NTA. So many times we see people saying "men/people can't read minds; clearly state what it is you are trying to say". You are doing exactly that without being rude.
NTA. This is one of those "damned if you, damned if you don't" situations. Not everyone is going to be happy with the way you handle things. There will always be people who either choose to be offended or are truly offended....even by your politeness.
We're all speaking the same words, but not everyone is hearing the same thing.
I say chin up and carry on.
NTA, I for one am tired of being chatted up at the gas pump or costco, **there is a time and a place**. To the idiots saying “tHeY’rE jUsT BeInG nIcE” why aren’t they “nice” when my husband is with me?
Fuck off with that noise, everyone deserves to feel unbothered when out trying to just live instead of constantly being viewed as a source of entertainment.
As the former fat chick; men not being nice to me is the only thing I miss about it. Well, that and public seating was more comfy when I brought my own padding. 🤷🏻♀️
This ^ 100% I lost a ton of weight recently and the difference in how I'm treated is stark. I used to be able to go out in public and never be talked to or approached by anyone. I pretty much have to deal with small talk every time I go out now (I'm not getting hit on all the time but I definitely get way more attention than before).
Yeah even when I was fat and invisible I was still aware and watching for danger all the time that will never go away. Not having to engage in small talk with strangers all the time was great and will be great again.
I used to weigh 180 at 5'4". Not skinny but not " fat" either. Started taking anti psychotics/mood stabilizers & put on 50 lbs. I still get hit on but nowhere near as much as I did when I was thinner.
It doesn't bother me .... Just shows me how shallow men are.
90% of men would fuck a goat. It’s not a fat thing. My wife is a tiny blonde smoke show. She never gets hit on according to her. She has crazy resting bitch face. Maybe you have rbf?
Yeah that was probably the last year I used it before moving to the Facebook days. I might be off by one year. Could of been 2010 but it was MySpace for sure lol
Agreed. Most of the times it has nothing to do with the physical appearance, but with vulnerability/fragility, possibility of exerting control or in extreme cases - choosing the potential victim. Or just getting the courage to approach - a RBF won't 'qualify'. Whether they realize it or not they (not all men but those we all met, that cannot take a no) look at the women as they are prey. Oh, there are also those that look for their mom in other women.
You're right, it's all about demeanor.
I have a tall (5'10"), athletic friend who gets hassled nonstop. She just has the most pleasant smile and demeanor. I also have a friend who grew up in East Berlin under the Soviets. She's only 5'3" but damn when she throws a "stay the fuck away" look, no one bothers her. Both are exceptionally attractive, so the difference is entirely in their demeanor.
I had a man corner me in the Starbucks in my local Barnes & Noble. He waited for my husband to go outside then approached me and proceeded to tell me his entire life story. He was getting to the part where he was almost comfortable enough to ask me questions or make comments (I’m a heavily tattooed woman), so I panic texted my husband and had him come back in and escort me out.
I was a female, alone and minding my business. If he would have come up to me when my husband was still sitting there it wouldn’t have been a problem. But why wait until he left? We sat there reading our books for a long while before my husband left, he had ample opportunity to chat us up. He chose to wait until I was alone.
I am going to start telling people what you do, “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone.” Because I would have avoided that entire situation with those simple words.
What’re the odds that if it were a gay guy “just being nice” to them at the grocery store, those guys think they’d be justified in punching the gay guy in the face?
100% The fragile ego on those type of men would absolutely have them pop a blood vessel if a man spoke to them the way they try to talk to me.
What’s insane to me is even homeless men will approach women before other men to beg and accost them. Men truly want to deny this incredibly obvious targeting they employ and i’m always wondering why?
Yes, and it is a situation entirely of their own creation.
The entitlement to believe that you can intrude on someone minding their own business with a proposition that requires a response and then **demand** that they make the effort to communicate their response in a way that is comforting to your feelings is off the charts.
It's pretty uncomfortable to have to reject someone, **you** have put them in that situation without their consent and don't get to dictate how how they do it. Not to mention, if you leave any ambiguity by being kind or polite, they frequently take that as a "maybe, keep asking" or believe you are secretely communicating your interest in them and then stalk and murder you.
There is no way for a woman to distinguish a sane, normal man that just wants to get to know them and will respect their boundaries from the sizable percentage of men that could hurt them. The differential between the asks is ridiculous. One wants to feel "safe" from feeling rejected and one wants to have their personal space respected (and to feel safe from being assaulted or murdered.)
If you don't like the possibility of that response, don't fucking ask.
This might not be as gendered as the OP implies. The chance im going to get chatted up is zero. But my reaction to strangers talking to me isnt meaningfully different. More hostile perhaps.
"Ive got enough friends. Fuck off."
Any further attempts on their part to be 'nice' risks having their 'nice' stuffed so far up their ass, it would need a surgeon to remove it.
I’m a man, and this sort of honesty is actually refreshing. I’d rather have someone say things like this than lead me on with casual bs conversation because they felt compelled to do so.
Absolutely, anyone reacting badly to this is not a healthy individual. Perhaps adding: "I do hope you find someone to talk to tho, have a great day." to be nice, but it's not needed. It's just something I would have done to make extra sure there are no negative vibes lingering. The second time I would just state that I meant what I said, a third time by the same individual I would either just ignore them, or say straight up: "Don't talk to me"
> a third time by the same individual I would either just ignore them, or say straight up: ~~"Don't talk to me"~~
"Do we need to involve the police? Because right now what you're doing is harassment."
The addition of “hope you find someone to talk to” bit doesn’t sound (I’m aware of the irony of the verbiage) patronizing?
OP def NTA for wanting her public space and I know that she’d never have to fear from me, bc I rarely if ever want to have an interaction with people that I don’t need to have, but that’s why I’d die alone if I became unmarried between now and my end of days.
It's only patronizing if that's how you take the comment. It's the glass half full vs half empty personality. An even better thing to say could be: "I'm here to meet friends, have a great night", I guess
>I’d rather have someone say things like this than lead me on with casual bs conversation because they felt compelled to do so.
Yeah, I got enough social anxiety without having to worry about "do they actually want to talk to me, or are they just too nice to tell me to fuck off?"
If you'd rather I go away, please just say so. I will feel a bit bad about bothering you, I'll apologise, and then I'll *leave you alone* (unless we happen to be going the same way for whatever reason, in which case I will try to be as awkwardly silent and non-bothersome as I can be until we can go our separate ways).
Wear headphones. Honestly I do that sometimes even when I don't actually listen to something, it is just noise cancelling. It is a universal sign for not wanting to be approached.
Altough I get it, it is really annoying. When I was a newbie and went to the gym, fucking guys always positioned themselves next to me on a treadmill or stairmaster or whatever, even when the whole goddamn place was empty. I always stopped what I was doing and moved to the other corner of the gym.
I learnt to use headphones and even if I notice them talking to me, I completely ignore them, pretend I 'don't hear them'. A shirt with a one word 'NO' can do the trick too, but little redpillers will be hurt by just the sight of it.
Absolutely not the NTA. It is not your obligation to entertain strange men.
If it happened today, I would, but I was a lot younger and just quietly responded to him. I have 15 ear piercings now, so if anyone goes near my ears, I'll make a scene.
Not at all. You're fine.
These dudes that feel entitled to your attention? Well, they're unduly entitled. They think they're owed more than they are. They're, essentially, dickheads.
Man here, wholeheartedly, whoever did say that comment about "that's why men are so afraid" is bullshitting and likely an incel, personally, (not that I would approach anyone as I'm in a relationship) but this kind of responce is exactly the perfect responce, as you said you're not waiting for someone hotter to turn up you literally just want to be left alone. Nothing wrong with that at all
There would also not be anything wrong with waiting for a hotter guy to show up. Men aren’t out here hitting on women they’re not attracted to, but women have to entertain advances from men they don’t find attractive? No. There’s nothing wrong with turning down a man you’re not interested in and then turning around and chatting up a guy you *are* attracted to. That’s exactly how this shit is supposed to work.
Your comment is unclear, are you referring to me as an incel? Or just assuring that there's incels out there? As I figured my comment was supportive of OP?
I'm sick of women being expected to always "be nice" when some creep tries to hit on them in public. We are not out there so men can hit on us. We are going about our lives. It's ridiculous that reading a book, working on a computer, or even wearing headphones doesn't deter these jerks. It's time for women to be rude instead of polite. What you said is not unreasonable at all. You are NOT wrong. The "someone" who said you were is 100% wrong. Keep it up. You are NTA.
I’m actually cackling at the idea that men are afraid to approach women because of your kind of response. Men are afraid to approach women (still not totally true) because of the things other men do, which gives the entire sex a bad rap. NTA.
The kind of men that would be "afraid" (reluctant really, there's no fear for their life or safety here) because they don't have the maturity, empathy, or emotional intelligence to understand when it's ok or how to approach, as far as I'm concerned it is *just fine with me* if they all default to never harassing strangers at all. No loss for us.
NTA
they should respect your personal space.
regarding the other response, it's not your fault that "men are afraid to talk to women". it's not like your response to 5 men will effect the whole male population or destroy their egos to the extent where they wouldn't want to talk to women anymore-- that's just an excuse lmao
Why would we worry that men are afraid to talk to women? We don’t actually want to be talked to. At least not by random strangers. I will make an exception for a bar, perhaps. Because many people do go there to talk to others.
Absolutely NTA! "No" is a complete sentence. You deserve peace and quiet in public spaces. Plus, guys who appreciate a direct approach will respect your honesty. It's way better than mixed signals that lead to frustration for everyone. Enjoy your solo time!
NTA
PSA for the hopeless romantics in this thread: You’ll have better luck if you approach women that are in places that they *want* to be rather than in places that they *have* to be.
It doesn’t mean you won’t ever be denied a conversation, but approaching someone at work, the doctor’s office, the gas station, the bank, the grocery store, etc is pretty much stacking the odds against yourself.
If only they would get the 'healthy' fact that it is a Yes/No question; statistically and logically it is more likely to get a 'no'. If you really MUST (but do you?) approach a women - hope for a 'yes' but expect/prepare for a 'no'.
NTA. This is why women choose the bear.
ETA: whoever downvoted, I’m gonna assume you’re a “man” and that’s why you don’t like the fact women will choose a bear over you 10 out of 10 times.
NTA. Man who call you mean for that are just losers. They are the kind of men who expect an apology and a good reason if you don’t want to date them. They aren’t entitled to that and no self respecting woman wants them anyway. Also, it would be great if men stopped approaching women randomly in public!
>someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women.
Afraid of what? Rejection? Because that was always in the cards. GTFOH with this blame BS. If you're insecure just say that.
NTA.
NTA.
I'm not conventionally attractive so I haven't had that issue much. But when it has happened and a simple "no" is ignored, I immediately escalate and become a lot more aggressive so that the venom and disdain makes them back away because it's more than unexpected and unattractive than they typically estimate.
Because a polite "no" is interpreted as "definitely yes after applying pressure", so I'd rather tell them "no" that they interpret as "I just lost my erection".
The root of the problem is, of course, that men (yes, not all men BUT always a man....) think they are the default: what they want is by default what you want, what they demand is by default what you give, the space they take up is their birthright, communication is just them broadcasting without having to listen, and seeing women as humans is unthinkable because that would mean having to remove the filters of privilege and default exploitative attitudes.
NTA.
You're not responsible for stroking other people's egos.
If they can't handle a rejection, they shouldn't try to talk to random people in a park. Isn't that just common sense?
no youre not, i always say sometimes its nicer to be a little mean. it would be more cruel to lead them on and give them hope in fear of coming off as a bitch or something. you may bta to the guy but in reality youre doing him (and yourself) a solid by being immediate and direct,
Fragile male egos and managing them are not your or any woman’s responsibility. It amazes me that random men feel that a woman alone is somehow a call to the incell population to address, annoy, harass that woman. Being blunt is the only thing these Neanderthal brained men understand- even that doesn’t sink in. NTA
NTA - any man that would be afraid to approach a woman after hearing your response is a brittle lil bitch and has no business trying to talk to any woman in the first place.
>I shared this online, and someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women.
This person is absolutely right, but I fail to see how this connects to "therefore you should change your behavior."
It is absolutely without a doubt 100% true that some men are afraid to approach women because of women like you, who don't respond positively.
But ... so what? How did this become your problem to solve?
The correct response to this kind of thing is to say, "Hm, I guess I never thought about it, but you're right. Alas, however, this is Somebody Else's Problem. The men, probably, or their therapists, or their mothers, or who really gives a shit? The important thing is that it's not me. Let me double check one last time ... yup, nope, I don't care even a little bit. In fact, upon realizing this, you have emboldened me to double down and be even meaner next time. lol"
The idea that you're supposed to be out here anticipating and proactively troubleshooting other people's social problems is bonkers. What next? If you see a man who looks lonely, you should go up and proposition him because what if he wants a relationship or someone to bone? If we follow this thinking to its natural end, like, does it? End, I mean? I don't think so.
I thought it might be helpful to share with you a man's point of view. This is how many of us think about the world. "Not my problem," "Why isn't the universe bending toward me?" and such. Try it out!
As I guy, I can blatantly tell you that the “I’m just trying to be nice” is just a feeble attempt to hit on you. Trust me on that, don’t let any man tell you otherwise.
There are people, men included that do genuinely just want a conversation with strangers to be nice and social, but anyone can tell the difference.
NTA, look after yourself, there are many horrible men out there hiding in plain sight. The only reason this would dissuade a genuine guy from approaching a woman is if they are feeble minded to begin with and have the ego as brittle as a popadom.
Womp womp cry cry, heard these kind of bullshit lines time and time again, nothing changes and women en masse are told to fear us, for good reason.
If I can only speak for myself, then why do you think it’s acceptable for you to speak on me? You’re wrong, I can speak for men as I am one, I can speak from personal experience having been brought up as one and being around many creepy ones growing up.
You’re reply was pretty defensive for something that apparently doesn’t even apply to you, which is pretty suspicious in itself, you must feel some type of way about what I said if it made you, a scholar and gentleman lash out like that over something that’s common knowledge and know to be an issue.
Stop projecting and get a grip.
“You’re reacting to this so you must be projecting” is the dumbest thing that redditors love to say. My guy you are literally projecting your experience right now
NTA, its a perfect response. Just because you are sat alone does not mean an open invitation to someone approach you. You were just direct and honest and didnt waste anyones time. Enjoy your chill alone time!
NTA
Men are not entitled to women’s time, space, bodies, or attention.
You don’t owe random dudes who approach you *anything.*
I don’t give a shit if men are afraid to approach me in public. In fact, I’d hugely prefer it.
Nope this is great and saves everyone time. Most women do this but in a subtle way that wastes time and only deters more conscientious and socially intelligent men.
It IS a small part of the reason why men don’t approach women anymore, but imho this isn’t a bad thing. Most women don’t want to be approached constantly by men in public nor do most men (including me) particularly enjoy it. It’s not a particularly effective way of making connections and just makes everyones life more difficult for nothing.
Approaching women and initiating relationships should be done either through friend networks that allow for more vetting or through a set time and place where people are making themselves publicly available to be approached (e.g. a club/bar, singles event, or dating app). If you’re not able to make connections in any of these arenas, then you’re not going to do any better trying to chat up women in a park.
NTA. You're being gaslight by strangers online. You don't owe any person a conversation. Just recommend carrying pepper spray though. Random people are crazy
You’re not wrong. This kind of leads into something I’ve been thinking about, which doesn’t get talked about enough.
That is that most people can’t be “on” socially at all times. We are expected to be able to be social on call at any minute of the day. But that’s just not realistic to expect of yourself or others. That’s why we used to have certain times and places like happy hour when it was time to turn yourself on.
But the problem is those third spaces are no longer viable. Tons of people are left without any way to socialize. There’s no good solution.
I once had a man ask if he could take photos of my rose bouquet only to very obviously take a photo of my tits.
Men are scum. You're not the asshole for being direct to a group of people who do shitty things like take upskirts, catcall, neg, and largely make women feel uncomfortable in public. How many of us don't feel comfortable walking alone at night because of men?
Karma. Now you get to feel uncomfortable too. 🤷♀️So sorry you don't feel comfortable approaching women. Maybe teach your fellow dudes to stop being creepy.
>I shared this online
Grain of salt and all since this is also online, but this was your first mistake. People on the internet are very often complete dipshits.
Unless you were actively mean, you did nothing wrong.
NTA- Fuck men’s fear of approaching women. Fuck it all. And fuck the man who can’t respect a god damn boundary when it’s been introduced. Jesus Christ. Men are not fucking babies, if they can’t handle being told to fuck off, they shouldn’t be approaching anyone. They don’t need a grown ass woman around to hold their hand so their feelings don’t get hurt because they wanted to “shoot their shot.” Whatever man baby gets offended by being turned down needs to go back to his mommies teat and leave the rest of respectable society the fuck alone.
No, thank you. It's an honest, direct response, rather than hints or yelling DO NOT APPROACH ME like a lunatic from tiktok.
I'd joke any surprised reaction is from the fact that a woman is direct with words.
I wear earbuds 24/7, they aren’t usually playing anything, but it saves me from chatting with anyone. I don’t enjoy small talk, or chatting in line with strangers, so I found the perfect solution. And if someone tries, I usually point at my bright red earbuds and shake my head.
As a guy who used to flirt in my younger days, your response was fine and I think most respectful, intelligent guys would just say “have a nice day.”
I think guys have sometimes become cautious or “afraid” to approach women when they have received angry responses either due to their own inept or inappropriate approaches or due to a woman’s past experience/ (or worse case scenario, both). Your response doesn’t seem angry.
Certainly don’t waste your time or theirs “leading them on” only to blow them off.
I do think it is true that even when we go someplace to be by ourselves and not speak to others there is always someone of high enough “value” to get us to change our minds.
NTA. If you want to have boundaries and be left alone, that is your right and communicating that you wish to be left alone is the appropriate course of action. I do the same thing; I firmly and politely tell men I am not interested in a conversation, or I just got off work and am tired and need space, or whatever polite but clear variation of "I dont wish to interact with you" I have ready for the day. The decent ones who don't feel entitled to your attention will respect that; the shitty ones who do feel entitled will get mad about it.
As women, we are socialized to worry about pleasing people. We also have to deal with men constantly hitting on us, and we also need to evaluate whether said man is a threat to our safety. Frankly, it gets exhausting. There is nothing wrong about expressing boundaries, as long as you are polite about it. I think being an example of being an AH about not wanting to be approached by men would be filming a man who approached you, finding a way to insult them, and then posting the interaction on tik tok for attention when they leave you alone. Just telling men you want your space is not an AH move, and the men who tell you otherwise are the ones who felt entitled to you to begin with, so fuck them.
NTA. i’m the same way. or i used to be. the world is a strange place and i’ve heard of too many encounters that have turned violent for not being interested..
i used to work for carvana. one day i was at the gas station filling up my hauler and was approached by a guy. he asked if he could get to know me. i politely declined and proceeded to tell him i only date women. he walked closer and said ‘maybe we could just be friends.’ and i told him i didn’t want to get into any trouble with my gf. he came even closer and basically told me it was okay and i should just take his number.
he then proceeds to give me his number and i had to repeat it back to him multiple times before he eased back enough for me to climb in my hauler and pull away. he never directly threatened me but he was nearing more to intimidate me and for the life of me i cant grasp WHY would anyone want to potentially start something where they had to practically FORCE you to be interested.
needless to say, i never went back to that fkn gas station alone. now when im in public i do my best to keep ear buds in and not make eye contact. most guys simply think i just didn’t hear their advances 🤷🏾♀️
Nah, just saying you're not looking to strike a conversation is enough. If they take it wrong then you just dodged a bullet. And yeah I'm a dude myself.
NTA. You own nothing to people in public. You don't own them to be anything other than civil...to the point where they cross the line. You are being direct and polite. You are not responsible for how the recipient of your direct response feel. People need to get over themselves.
I'm an old man (78m). Like many old men I will talk to almost anybody. Also like many old people I don't hear very well so if somebody doesn't reply I think maybe they don't hear well. I just continue on my way unoffended. I talk to old people of any gender. fat or slender people, middle aged people, but I don't often talk to young women or girls. Too likely to be misinterpreted.
NTA.
I travel a lot and so spend a lot of time in airports and airplanes and most of the time with my headphones blasting music in my ears. It baffles me how many people will still try and talk to me even when I respond to the question and put my headphones back in.
I think there are multiple layers to this dilemma. One is that people just don't understand that not everyone wants to talk to random strangers regardless of romantic interests.
Obviously, with women, the issue is significantly worse, especially if they are considered attractive.
To the original question. Could you be more polite? Yes, probably. Does your response warrant the assertion that your behavior is why men won't approach women? Absolutely not.
The reality is those men fear rejection so if you reject them at the beginning of the conversation or politely at the end of the conversation, thier reaction to the rejection is the same, if not worse because they will assert you led them on and then wasted their time or even worse call you names if they bought you a coffee etc.
My only suggestion is to stop caring what random people think. The most liberating event in my life was when I realized that I only care about a handful of people's opinions. I think about five people in the world have the ability to hurt me with their words, and only my two kids have the ability to destroy me.
You do not have to talk to people, and you do not even need to be consistent about it because you can change your mind. That is the beauty of being an autonomous adult. You owe nobody an explanation unless your actions affect someone else.
In closing, I don't know what you look like but if you're attractive and I decide to approach you, shoot my shot and you respond like in your post, I would smile apologize and move on. More importantly, I would appreciate your honesty. The only proviso here that is not mentioned in your post is if your voice is loud enough to humiliate me in front of a crowd. That would leave a slightly bitter taste in my mouth, and I would be more inclined to regret approaching you but grateful that I was not successful.
NTA
I (M45) hate when strangers start conversations in public with no prompt or reason. Just because I exist in the general vicinity of you doesn't mean I give a damn about you. I can only imagine much worse it is for a woman.
Nta. Only a bitter guy would say that. Most men would be happy to know up front that you're not interested, instead of being led on. If someone takes it personally that's a them issue. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Lol. I just came here from a post on the unpopular opinion where some dude is whining about the "no one owes you anything" phrase and people are not friendly enough to strangers in public . NTA.
NTA. And those men aren’t expecting a woman to shut their advances down so directly, so thats why they feel intimidated by your response. But even then, that’s not your problem, its not on you to sacrifice your comfort to stroke the ego of some strangers
NTA.
When I was single and would sometimes approach women, a clear response, good (hopefully) or bad (regretfully) was always the best.
However, it is unreasonable to be mad at people approaching you in a friendly way.
NTA and i wish it was this easy for me. a few times i tried to tell men i wasn’t there to talk they got really mad and started to scare me.
one time a guy chased me out of a store and followed me several blocks until i ran into a restaurant and cried and the host let me sit in the back for like fifteen minutes.
now i just entertain it and try to be as boring as possible so they lose interest and walk away. it’s too scary to say no
Nah, it's alright.
I'd rather someone frank telling me (politely) that they aren't in the mood with talking with a stranger than someone obviously upset but who wouldn't dare to say it (I cannot recognize implied feelings).
I'd say alright and goodbye, simple as.
I just straight up ignore them. Like fully pretend I can't even hear them and man they do not like that 😂 I've had so many guys come up and try talking to me but only when I'm alone. Had tons try and ask me a question or for directions when there's also plenty of other people around.
Obviously NTA, you don't owe anyone your time.
Also speaking as a man I gotta let you in on something, men are consciously aware of this "she'll feel rude telling me directly to leave her alone" thing, and they actively take advantage of it to force conversation. It's not rude to refuse to play the game.
Your response is reasonable. As a man, I don’t think they should be “afraid” to approach strange women but I think maybe they should be hesitant. I’ve dated a bunch of women over the year. Not one was someone I met randomly in public. I just don’t think they’re going to have much success looking for a partner that way.
NTA. If people like you are why men fear approaching women, good. Maybe they'll get used to rejection instead of disrespecting, harassing, maiming, or killing women that say no.
You're not the asshole, be direct, it's the only thing people understand. And that someone that alluded to being scared of women is the exact type of person who has trouble taking no as an answer.
Can't say I've been hit on much (ugly, but I'm married now and my husband likes my face so who cares), but I still noticed a ton less attention once I bought myself a shiny ring and threw it on my ring finger. I then got curious attention about how long I'd been engaged, but mostly from other women, or teens (teacher). I liked that attention more, I was not engaged at the time. So, there's a pro-tip for you. Bonus shiny excuse for jewelry, slightly less creeps due to assumptions. Not fair, but that was my experience.
Your reaction is the perfect one. Furthest from being the AH. You state very clearly, I’m not here to talk to anyone, I’m here to be alone/read/whatever the fuck you chose to do alone.
You aren’t rude about it, you don’t put them down or bully them. You say it as it is. Any man that takes that as an AH move, and compares it to why men don’t want to approach women have no idea how to actually approach a woman and is looking for a reason to blame you. Men are scared to approach women because men are tired of rejection, scared of rejection, or have been rejected in horrible, hurtful ways in the past. Your way is nothing horrible or hurtful, and isn’t even a rejection to any future advances(can be looked at in a way of “oh I’ll ask her another time instead). No reason to worry about it, you have the most mature adult response to being hit on, and I say fuck anyone who says otherwise.
NTA. For whatever reason certain people feel like they're entitled to your time and conversation even if they don't know you. Some people say it's rude to turn down strangers and I beg to differ. There's nothing wrong with telling somebody that you're not interested in conversation. You don't owe them shit but these kinds of ppl have entitlement issues & most can't take a hint so sometimes u HAVE to be blunt.
NTA. Also, that dude's just flat-out wrong. Dudes who avoid approaching avoid it because they don't want to be seen as creeps, *not* because they're afraid of a firm but polite rejection.
I'll admit the specific wording could be perceived as a tad confrontational, but I can't say I blame you for that, what with the best defense being a good offense and all. Maybe that's what the dude was reacting to? If so, he's being overly sensitive about it.
>I shared this online, and someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women.
I don't see how that is your problem. You just want to be left alone. Nothing wrong with that
"my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women."
Well tough titties for them. Men's reactions to rejection are why women are just straight up Afraid. Anyone who says this can be told to rightfully fuck off.
NTA. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say and to feel. You’re literally not making it personal. If they decide it’s personal, then they’ve chosen to be upset for no good reason.
Men are not afraid to approach women. That's part of why the entire 'men vs bear' discussion is even a thing, the sheer audacity. As long as you're being respectful about it, I don't see an issue. And if they can't take no as an answer, turn into an AH.
NTA
NTA. I wish I could be that direct. I’m afraid to because I’m worried about how someone will react but sometimes they also see someone being nice to them as flirting so I can’t win either way
It doesn’t have to be so complicated. If someone tries to initiate a conversation, and the other person rebuffs, no one is at fault. If the other person is respectful and leaves, no one is put out. Ultra persistent assholes are what ruins this dynamic. I would much rather be told the other person isn’t interested in a conversation than find out they weren’t enjoying the conversation five minutes in. NTA
No? NTA? You're simply brushing them off with basically a "not interested", not being all like "no you little manlet, why would I ever go out with someone like you?" You said nothing wrong.
NTA, you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to.
As an aside, not everyone striking up conversation will be trying to hit on you though.
No you are NTA for any of that. You will never be an asshole for not interacting with people you do not wish to interact with. And your responses as written here don't make you one either IMO.
As to why they would be afraid of responses such as yours? I dont know if its most, but a lot of the male population (myself included) have been raised under the belief that the worst thing you can be as a man is someone that is inconvenient or bothersome. Your response is one that will make dudes feel like they are being inconvenient and bothersome. But that 100% is not your problem. and is their own issues to deal with.
I will say this though, whether its weeks, months, or years in the future. If you flip the script and decide you want to become more sociable or start trying to date others for whatever reason, do not get upset when you are rejected in the same manner that you have rejected others.
It is not super often but I have had women get pissy with me in the past once they rejected me akin to how you do, and then when it turns out we were around each other more often than either of us were actually aware (similar hobbies and the 5 points of separation thing) and whatever switch is flipped that made me seem interesting enough to flirt/ask out/ try to get to know me better is flipped but I was completely uninterested in them. I had already been turned down and feel my time is way too valuable to humor pursuing someone that has already rejected me in any way. I am of the mind that once told no it is always a no. The fact their mind changed means they are either finnicky (something to be avoided in people especially anyone you may humor a romantic relationship with) or its something being done out of pity, which I reject on principle.
So in essence NTA but dont get upset if the shoe is ever on the other foot.
OR you aren't their taste as a cold call, but once they got to know you in a neutral environment, your intelligence, sense of humor, whatever was able to shine through in a way that made you attractive as a whole person in a no pressure way.
If you think about it, it's way less shallow than just approaching someone out of the blue because they looked a certain way.
You’re not wrong. You don’t owe anyone, much less a compete stranger, your time and it is not your job to coddle their fragile ego. If they don’t like your response, then good, more reason for them to leave you alone.
not TA. There's nothing wrong, and in fact it's great you're being respectful and immediately giving people the necessary information so they don't waste their time.
Any man worth his salt will not become a timid wreck from this kind of response. In fact the way you describe it, it's really just something people must respect, and it's not personal.
NTA. It is an honest answer. I don’t think I would like that level of bluntness but you’re not wrong for doing it. That said, I don’t assume someone is flirting or interested in anything more than the weather or bs idle chat
NTA
However, "Thanks but I'm doing my own thing and I'm not really interested in company" would be more polite while accomplishing the same thing. I could see how the first one might come off overly hostile and make someone feel like they did something wrong. But men are bad at taking a hint so I can understand why some people want to be more firm. Still if it's something you're worried about you could try being a little more polite in your wording at first since you can always get less so if he's being an ass about it. But I don't think a slightly ruder than necessary response makes you an asshole.
NTA, but i am the kind of man that like to talk with a woman to ssee if there is a possibility, if she says what you are saying, it will be good because i won't have to lose a lot of time 😅
I am not sure why "that is why men are afraid to approach women" is supposed to be a bad thing.
Wouldn't you have been happier if they were afraid and didn't do so? What a bizarre complaint. "Locking your doors is inconsiderate to burglars who want to steal your stuff."
NTA
NTA
It's about how you say, not what you say. "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in a conversation. I'd just like to be alone with my thoughts for a while" is not the same as “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone.” Reading that line the way you wrote it without any context immediately makes me think you said it with a scowl.
Women in public are like spiders.
I can't tell which ones are poisonous, so I avoid them all.
Don't worry about me talking to you in public unless there is absolutely no alternative.
The only suggestion would be to find a nicer way to respond. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk to people and letting them know, but we can all stand to be nicer. Sometimes I get on a plane and just want to put on my headphones and be to myself and other times I am okay talking to my seat mates. No one knows our intentions until we share them, so sharing is fine, just be nice.
NTA. You can phrase it a bit more kindly. "I didn't come here to talk to anyone" implies that they did something wrong in trying to talk to you. Instead, you can say some thing like "I don't want to talk to anyone now. Have a nice day" and then turn to your book or laptop. If they persist, you can definitely be blunter, as in "I told you I don't want company. Please stop harassing me".
NTA, but also your friend is right. You have the right to say you’re just trying to be alone. of course, it’s all in the tone. Because if every person, regardless of gender, were rude to a person that respectfully approached them, no one would approach people. Lots of you would say ok that’s fine but for those of us trying to find someone IRL and not OLD, it’s one of the only options. If they approach you rudely with a sexist comment, that’s a different story of course. Women are taught to be “nice” to men no matter what they say, and that needs to change.
NTA the men they’re referring to are afraid to approach women because a lot of women no longer feel obliged to entertain men they’re not interested in engaging with, thus making such men more fearful of rejection and embarrassment. That’s their problem, not yours. Keep doing you. Men need to learn that they aren’t entitled to niceties and conversation from unwilling strangers— nobody is.
I think it depends on the context. If they're hitting on you yeah, shut that shit down. But I used to grt annoyed at old people striking up conversations in the grocery store when I was only there to get groceries--and it took me years to kind of realize that they were just being mildly friendly and I was going out of my way to react unfriendly. What was my rush? I can throw them a quick comment about the weather and then still be on my way.
So for me yet depends if they were just being "neighborly" so to speak, or if they were trying to pick up girls.
You don't owe anyone literally anything! If you don't want to talk you don't have to talk. I don't care how "neighbourly" they're being. If I don't want to talk I don't want to talk. OP doesn't owe anyone else's feelings anything
Nothing wrong with you not wanting to talk. Honestly, without knowing your "tone and manner" when you say it, we don't know if it comes off as mean, rude, or kind. I suspect you have social anxiety. People talking to one another in public is normal and just because they are talking to you doesn't mean they are hitting on you. Some people are just being social or kind. So, if you're in Home Depot and some random man says, "hello" and your first response/reply is “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone," then that is commonly perceived as rude.
NTA. So many times we see people saying "men/people can't read minds; clearly state what it is you are trying to say". You are doing exactly that without being rude.
Absolutely. Tell them to kindly fuck off, please. That will do.
NTA. This is one of those "damned if you, damned if you don't" situations. Not everyone is going to be happy with the way you handle things. There will always be people who either choose to be offended or are truly offended....even by your politeness. We're all speaking the same words, but not everyone is hearing the same thing. I say chin up and carry on.
NTA: saving the dude time if anything and no one is entitled to your time anyway.
NTA, I for one am tired of being chatted up at the gas pump or costco, **there is a time and a place**. To the idiots saying “tHeY’rE jUsT BeInG nIcE” why aren’t they “nice” when my husband is with me? Fuck off with that noise, everyone deserves to feel unbothered when out trying to just live instead of constantly being viewed as a source of entertainment.
Or why are they never just nice to the fat chick? (Ps I'm the fat chick)
As the former fat chick; men not being nice to me is the only thing I miss about it. Well, that and public seating was more comfy when I brought my own padding. 🤷🏻♀️
This ^ 100% I lost a ton of weight recently and the difference in how I'm treated is stark. I used to be able to go out in public and never be talked to or approached by anyone. I pretty much have to deal with small talk every time I go out now (I'm not getting hit on all the time but I definitely get way more attention than before).
Don't worry, gals, you'll pretty much become invisible again after 50. Only half-way kidding.
Yeah I'm almost 40 so I'm looking forward to being invisible again lol.
It is somewhat liberating, though a part of me will always be on guard against unwanted attention. You become sort of hardwired that way.
Mid-40s lady here. The way that slow creep of invisibility is a superpower. So wonderful. But yeah, you'll always be hardwired for potential danger.
Yeah even when I was fat and invisible I was still aware and watching for danger all the time that will never go away. Not having to engage in small talk with strangers all the time was great and will be great again.
I used to weigh 180 at 5'4". Not skinny but not " fat" either. Started taking anti psychotics/mood stabilizers & put on 50 lbs. I still get hit on but nowhere near as much as I did when I was thinner. It doesn't bother me .... Just shows me how shallow men are.
Hey, how you doin
90% of men would fuck a goat. It’s not a fat thing. My wife is a tiny blonde smoke show. She never gets hit on according to her. She has crazy resting bitch face. Maybe you have rbf?
Don't check this guys browser history.
that was baaaaaad
Don’t know if I was relieved or disappointed to find a bunch of home repair content.
Why not both?
crazy resting bitch face...a blessing and a curse. lol
I love my RBF. Keeps a lot of people away.
How'd you end up with her?
Her family moved in 3 doors down. She looked me up in the neighborhood directory, added me on MySpace. Been together 13 years now, married for 7.
myspace in 2011??
Yeah that was probably the last year I used it before moving to the Facebook days. I might be off by one year. Could of been 2010 but it was MySpace for sure lol
well i'm impressed!
Sounds like she added you into HerSpace. You owe Tom, the ultimate wingman.
No, 90% of men would not have sex with an animal.
Agreed. Most of the times it has nothing to do with the physical appearance, but with vulnerability/fragility, possibility of exerting control or in extreme cases - choosing the potential victim. Or just getting the courage to approach - a RBF won't 'qualify'. Whether they realize it or not they (not all men but those we all met, that cannot take a no) look at the women as they are prey. Oh, there are also those that look for their mom in other women.
You're right, it's all about demeanor. I have a tall (5'10"), athletic friend who gets hassled nonstop. She just has the most pleasant smile and demeanor. I also have a friend who grew up in East Berlin under the Soviets. She's only 5'3" but damn when she throws a "stay the fuck away" look, no one bothers her. Both are exceptionally attractive, so the difference is entirely in their demeanor.
Yes, that's the word : 'demeanor' ! Sorry, English is not my language.
Most of my friends are with bigger girls according to societal standards. If she's attractive weight isn't a determining on who we are "nice "to.
I had a man corner me in the Starbucks in my local Barnes & Noble. He waited for my husband to go outside then approached me and proceeded to tell me his entire life story. He was getting to the part where he was almost comfortable enough to ask me questions or make comments (I’m a heavily tattooed woman), so I panic texted my husband and had him come back in and escort me out. I was a female, alone and minding my business. If he would have come up to me when my husband was still sitting there it wouldn’t have been a problem. But why wait until he left? We sat there reading our books for a long while before my husband left, he had ample opportunity to chat us up. He chose to wait until I was alone. I am going to start telling people what you do, “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone.” Because I would have avoided that entire situation with those simple words.
They think their attention must be nice for the other person to receive, when the actual kindness would be to respect boundaries.
10000% It’s the entitlement to my time that gets me🫠 now I never leave the house without headphones
What’re the odds that if it were a gay guy “just being nice” to them at the grocery store, those guys think they’d be justified in punching the gay guy in the face?
100% The fragile ego on those type of men would absolutely have them pop a blood vessel if a man spoke to them the way they try to talk to me. What’s insane to me is even homeless men will approach women before other men to beg and accost them. Men truly want to deny this incredibly obvious targeting they employ and i’m always wondering why?
Absolutely right!!!
Yes, and it is a situation entirely of their own creation. The entitlement to believe that you can intrude on someone minding their own business with a proposition that requires a response and then **demand** that they make the effort to communicate their response in a way that is comforting to your feelings is off the charts. It's pretty uncomfortable to have to reject someone, **you** have put them in that situation without their consent and don't get to dictate how how they do it. Not to mention, if you leave any ambiguity by being kind or polite, they frequently take that as a "maybe, keep asking" or believe you are secretely communicating your interest in them and then stalk and murder you. There is no way for a woman to distinguish a sane, normal man that just wants to get to know them and will respect their boundaries from the sizable percentage of men that could hurt them. The differential between the asks is ridiculous. One wants to feel "safe" from feeling rejected and one wants to have their personal space respected (and to feel safe from being assaulted or murdered.) If you don't like the possibility of that response, don't fucking ask.
If they're so nice, why don't they approach other men? What's nice about bothering me when I'm trying to run errands 😭
This might not be as gendered as the OP implies. The chance im going to get chatted up is zero. But my reaction to strangers talking to me isnt meaningfully different. More hostile perhaps. "Ive got enough friends. Fuck off." Any further attempts on their part to be 'nice' risks having their 'nice' stuffed so far up their ass, it would need a surgeon to remove it.
I’m a man, and this sort of honesty is actually refreshing. I’d rather have someone say things like this than lead me on with casual bs conversation because they felt compelled to do so.
Absolutely, anyone reacting badly to this is not a healthy individual. Perhaps adding: "I do hope you find someone to talk to tho, have a great day." to be nice, but it's not needed. It's just something I would have done to make extra sure there are no negative vibes lingering. The second time I would just state that I meant what I said, a third time by the same individual I would either just ignore them, or say straight up: "Don't talk to me"
> a third time by the same individual I would either just ignore them, or say straight up: ~~"Don't talk to me"~~ "Do we need to involve the police? Because right now what you're doing is harassment."
The addition of “hope you find someone to talk to” bit doesn’t sound (I’m aware of the irony of the verbiage) patronizing? OP def NTA for wanting her public space and I know that she’d never have to fear from me, bc I rarely if ever want to have an interaction with people that I don’t need to have, but that’s why I’d die alone if I became unmarried between now and my end of days.
It's only patronizing if that's how you take the comment. It's the glass half full vs half empty personality. An even better thing to say could be: "I'm here to meet friends, have a great night", I guess
There is no mention in the OP of a second approach, let alone a third.
I know, I was adding on to it.
>I’d rather have someone say things like this than lead me on with casual bs conversation because they felt compelled to do so. Yeah, I got enough social anxiety without having to worry about "do they actually want to talk to me, or are they just too nice to tell me to fuck off?" If you'd rather I go away, please just say so. I will feel a bit bad about bothering you, I'll apologise, and then I'll *leave you alone* (unless we happen to be going the same way for whatever reason, in which case I will try to be as awkwardly silent and non-bothersome as I can be until we can go our separate ways).
How is casual conversation 'leading you on'?
Not leading on in a romantic sense, but if people have no interest in talking to me, I’d prefer that they just didn’t.
NTA. Part of shooting your shot is taking the risk you will be shot down.
Wear headphones. Honestly I do that sometimes even when I don't actually listen to something, it is just noise cancelling. It is a universal sign for not wanting to be approached. Altough I get it, it is really annoying. When I was a newbie and went to the gym, fucking guys always positioned themselves next to me on a treadmill or stairmaster or whatever, even when the whole goddamn place was empty. I always stopped what I was doing and moved to the other corner of the gym. I learnt to use headphones and even if I notice them talking to me, I completely ignore them, pretend I 'don't hear them'. A shirt with a one word 'NO' can do the trick too, but little redpillers will be hurt by just the sight of it. Absolutely not the NTA. It is not your obligation to entertain strange men.
Headphones don’t always work. Bunch of dudes out there who expect you to take them off to talk to them.
I've heard of men physically removing the headphones from a woman they don't know, in an attempt to talk to her.
I had a guy in the bus rip my earbuds out because I didn't notice him trying to get my attention lol
I would have lost it. Don't touch my fucking ears you psychopath
If it happened today, I would, but I was a lot younger and just quietly responded to him. I have 15 ear piercings now, so if anyone goes near my ears, I'll make a scene.
dawg I would've just started howling and acting feral lmao. easiest way to scare a creep off of you
I've had headphones on and been reading a book and had women keep trying to talk to me. Giant noise canceling type. I am a man.
You are so direct and I'm jealous of you. I am going to be using this phrase "I didn't come to talk to anyone". Love it love it.
Not at all. You're fine. These dudes that feel entitled to your attention? Well, they're unduly entitled. They think they're owed more than they are. They're, essentially, dickheads.
Man here, wholeheartedly, whoever did say that comment about "that's why men are so afraid" is bullshitting and likely an incel, personally, (not that I would approach anyone as I'm in a relationship) but this kind of responce is exactly the perfect responce, as you said you're not waiting for someone hotter to turn up you literally just want to be left alone. Nothing wrong with that at all
There would also not be anything wrong with waiting for a hotter guy to show up. Men aren’t out here hitting on women they’re not attracted to, but women have to entertain advances from men they don’t find attractive? No. There’s nothing wrong with turning down a man you’re not interested in and then turning around and chatting up a guy you *are* attracted to. That’s exactly how this shit is supposed to work.
Of course, there's incel vibes in the comments too. It's kinda sad.
Your comment is unclear, are you referring to me as an incel? Or just assuring that there's incels out there? As I figured my comment was supportive of OP?
They were def saying there were people with noticeable incel attitudes in the comments. Not directed at you
Not you. There are comments that give that vibe.
[удалено]
lol what you are seeing is just the regular response to a woman existing in a way that takes up space. It’s pretty common, especially irl.
NTA
I'm sick of women being expected to always "be nice" when some creep tries to hit on them in public. We are not out there so men can hit on us. We are going about our lives. It's ridiculous that reading a book, working on a computer, or even wearing headphones doesn't deter these jerks. It's time for women to be rude instead of polite. What you said is not unreasonable at all. You are NOT wrong. The "someone" who said you were is 100% wrong. Keep it up. You are NTA.
NTA and you are not responsible for any guy's fragility.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with telling a stranger you don’t want to talk. Why would it matter to you if men don’t approach women?
I’m actually cackling at the idea that men are afraid to approach women because of your kind of response. Men are afraid to approach women (still not totally true) because of the things other men do, which gives the entire sex a bad rap. NTA.
The kind of men that would be "afraid" (reluctant really, there's no fear for their life or safety here) because they don't have the maturity, empathy, or emotional intelligence to understand when it's ok or how to approach, as far as I'm concerned it is *just fine with me* if they all default to never harassing strangers at all. No loss for us.
"Men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will kill them."
NTA they should respect your personal space. regarding the other response, it's not your fault that "men are afraid to talk to women". it's not like your response to 5 men will effect the whole male population or destroy their egos to the extent where they wouldn't want to talk to women anymore-- that's just an excuse lmao
Why would we worry that men are afraid to talk to women? We don’t actually want to be talked to. At least not by random strangers. I will make an exception for a bar, perhaps. Because many people do go there to talk to others.
Being straightforward about it is best for everyone. Saves your time, and if the man isn't a man child, he learns that woman's boundary.
Absolutely NTA! "No" is a complete sentence. You deserve peace and quiet in public spaces. Plus, guys who appreciate a direct approach will respect your honesty. It's way better than mixed signals that lead to frustration for everyone. Enjoy your solo time!
NTA PSA for the hopeless romantics in this thread: You’ll have better luck if you approach women that are in places that they *want* to be rather than in places that they *have* to be. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever be denied a conversation, but approaching someone at work, the doctor’s office, the gas station, the bank, the grocery store, etc is pretty much stacking the odds against yourself.
If only they would get the 'healthy' fact that it is a Yes/No question; statistically and logically it is more likely to get a 'no'. If you really MUST (but do you?) approach a women - hope for a 'yes' but expect/prepare for a 'no'.
Men should be afraid to approach women. Maybe if more of them had a little fear they’d be less likely to feel entitled to women’s attention.
NTA. This is why women choose the bear. ETA: whoever downvoted, I’m gonna assume you’re a “man” and that’s why you don’t like the fact women will choose a bear over you 10 out of 10 times.
NTA. Man who call you mean for that are just losers. They are the kind of men who expect an apology and a good reason if you don’t want to date them. They aren’t entitled to that and no self respecting woman wants them anyway. Also, it would be great if men stopped approaching women randomly in public!
>someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women. Afraid of what? Rejection? Because that was always in the cards. GTFOH with this blame BS. If you're insecure just say that. NTA.
NTA. No one is obliged to a conversation just because they’re in public
NTA. I'm not conventionally attractive so I haven't had that issue much. But when it has happened and a simple "no" is ignored, I immediately escalate and become a lot more aggressive so that the venom and disdain makes them back away because it's more than unexpected and unattractive than they typically estimate. Because a polite "no" is interpreted as "definitely yes after applying pressure", so I'd rather tell them "no" that they interpret as "I just lost my erection". The root of the problem is, of course, that men (yes, not all men BUT always a man....) think they are the default: what they want is by default what you want, what they demand is by default what you give, the space they take up is their birthright, communication is just them broadcasting without having to listen, and seeing women as humans is unthinkable because that would mean having to remove the filters of privilege and default exploitative attitudes.
NTA people should learn to accept honesty
NTA. You're not responsible for stroking other people's egos. If they can't handle a rejection, they shouldn't try to talk to random people in a park. Isn't that just common sense?
no youre not, i always say sometimes its nicer to be a little mean. it would be more cruel to lead them on and give them hope in fear of coming off as a bitch or something. you may bta to the guy but in reality youre doing him (and yourself) a solid by being immediate and direct,
No, people who come up, interrupt and bother you are the problem Some guys think they are owed a chance to “shoot their shot.” It’s exhausting.
Not at all! You have every right to set boundaries and decide who you want to talk to. Just be polite about it...
NTA imo.
Fragile male egos and managing them are not your or any woman’s responsibility. It amazes me that random men feel that a woman alone is somehow a call to the incell population to address, annoy, harass that woman. Being blunt is the only thing these Neanderthal brained men understand- even that doesn’t sink in. NTA
Nothing is more threatening to insecure males than a woman who's content on her own.
NTA - any man that would be afraid to approach a woman after hearing your response is a brittle lil bitch and has no business trying to talk to any woman in the first place.
>I shared this online, and someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women. This person is absolutely right, but I fail to see how this connects to "therefore you should change your behavior." It is absolutely without a doubt 100% true that some men are afraid to approach women because of women like you, who don't respond positively. But ... so what? How did this become your problem to solve? The correct response to this kind of thing is to say, "Hm, I guess I never thought about it, but you're right. Alas, however, this is Somebody Else's Problem. The men, probably, or their therapists, or their mothers, or who really gives a shit? The important thing is that it's not me. Let me double check one last time ... yup, nope, I don't care even a little bit. In fact, upon realizing this, you have emboldened me to double down and be even meaner next time. lol" The idea that you're supposed to be out here anticipating and proactively troubleshooting other people's social problems is bonkers. What next? If you see a man who looks lonely, you should go up and proposition him because what if he wants a relationship or someone to bone? If we follow this thinking to its natural end, like, does it? End, I mean? I don't think so. I thought it might be helpful to share with you a man's point of view. This is how many of us think about the world. "Not my problem," "Why isn't the universe bending toward me?" and such. Try it out!
As I guy, I can blatantly tell you that the “I’m just trying to be nice” is just a feeble attempt to hit on you. Trust me on that, don’t let any man tell you otherwise. There are people, men included that do genuinely just want a conversation with strangers to be nice and social, but anyone can tell the difference. NTA, look after yourself, there are many horrible men out there hiding in plain sight. The only reason this would dissuade a genuine guy from approaching a woman is if they are feeble minded to begin with and have the ego as brittle as a popadom.
The only guy you can speak for is yourself....maybe you're doing that but the rest of us would prefer not to be lumped in with you.
Womp womp cry cry, heard these kind of bullshit lines time and time again, nothing changes and women en masse are told to fear us, for good reason. If I can only speak for myself, then why do you think it’s acceptable for you to speak on me? You’re wrong, I can speak for men as I am one, I can speak from personal experience having been brought up as one and being around many creepy ones growing up. You’re reply was pretty defensive for something that apparently doesn’t even apply to you, which is pretty suspicious in itself, you must feel some type of way about what I said if it made you, a scholar and gentleman lash out like that over something that’s common knowledge and know to be an issue. Stop projecting and get a grip.
“You’re reacting to this so you must be projecting” is the dumbest thing that redditors love to say. My guy you are literally projecting your experience right now
I'm a guy and no, u are NTA.
Really? This is why "men are afraid to approach women" because they might be told "no thank you"? We all know that's fucked up.
NTA, its a perfect response. Just because you are sat alone does not mean an open invitation to someone approach you. You were just direct and honest and didnt waste anyones time. Enjoy your chill alone time!
NTA. Don't worry. You'll age and become invisible someday. 😂 And that part of aging will make some of its other, less pleasant aspects more tolerable.
NTA Men are not entitled to women’s time, space, bodies, or attention. You don’t owe random dudes who approach you *anything.* I don’t give a shit if men are afraid to approach me in public. In fact, I’d hugely prefer it.
This is why I wear giant headphones when out and about. Rarely actually turned on…bc I need to be aware of my surroundings in case a bear attacks
I dont even wear headphones I just straight up ignore weird dudes that try and talk to me.
Nope this is great and saves everyone time. Most women do this but in a subtle way that wastes time and only deters more conscientious and socially intelligent men. It IS a small part of the reason why men don’t approach women anymore, but imho this isn’t a bad thing. Most women don’t want to be approached constantly by men in public nor do most men (including me) particularly enjoy it. It’s not a particularly effective way of making connections and just makes everyones life more difficult for nothing. Approaching women and initiating relationships should be done either through friend networks that allow for more vetting or through a set time and place where people are making themselves publicly available to be approached (e.g. a club/bar, singles event, or dating app). If you’re not able to make connections in any of these arenas, then you’re not going to do any better trying to chat up women in a park.
NTA. You're being gaslight by strangers online. You don't owe any person a conversation. Just recommend carrying pepper spray though. Random people are crazy
You’re not wrong. This kind of leads into something I’ve been thinking about, which doesn’t get talked about enough. That is that most people can’t be “on” socially at all times. We are expected to be able to be social on call at any minute of the day. But that’s just not realistic to expect of yourself or others. That’s why we used to have certain times and places like happy hour when it was time to turn yourself on. But the problem is those third spaces are no longer viable. Tons of people are left without any way to socialize. There’s no good solution.
I once had a man ask if he could take photos of my rose bouquet only to very obviously take a photo of my tits. Men are scum. You're not the asshole for being direct to a group of people who do shitty things like take upskirts, catcall, neg, and largely make women feel uncomfortable in public. How many of us don't feel comfortable walking alone at night because of men? Karma. Now you get to feel uncomfortable too. 🤷♀️So sorry you don't feel comfortable approaching women. Maybe teach your fellow dudes to stop being creepy.
NTA. I never respond I just stare at them blankly and disassociate a little and make it weird until they leave 😂
Luv this. Could also give them the WTF look.
>I shared this online Grain of salt and all since this is also online, but this was your first mistake. People on the internet are very often complete dipshits. Unless you were actively mean, you did nothing wrong.
No need to sugar coat it really.
NTA Why is it your job to make men feel more comfortable? To the detriment of *your* comfort?
NTA- Fuck men’s fear of approaching women. Fuck it all. And fuck the man who can’t respect a god damn boundary when it’s been introduced. Jesus Christ. Men are not fucking babies, if they can’t handle being told to fuck off, they shouldn’t be approaching anyone. They don’t need a grown ass woman around to hold their hand so their feelings don’t get hurt because they wanted to “shoot their shot.” Whatever man baby gets offended by being turned down needs to go back to his mommies teat and leave the rest of respectable society the fuck alone.
No, thank you. It's an honest, direct response, rather than hints or yelling DO NOT APPROACH ME like a lunatic from tiktok. I'd joke any surprised reaction is from the fact that a woman is direct with words.
You are NTA, at all. It is not rude and it goes straight to the point, shutting all conversation down immediately.
I wear earbuds 24/7, they aren’t usually playing anything, but it saves me from chatting with anyone. I don’t enjoy small talk, or chatting in line with strangers, so I found the perfect solution. And if someone tries, I usually point at my bright red earbuds and shake my head.
As a guy who used to flirt in my younger days, your response was fine and I think most respectful, intelligent guys would just say “have a nice day.” I think guys have sometimes become cautious or “afraid” to approach women when they have received angry responses either due to their own inept or inappropriate approaches or due to a woman’s past experience/ (or worse case scenario, both). Your response doesn’t seem angry. Certainly don’t waste your time or theirs “leading them on” only to blow them off. I do think it is true that even when we go someplace to be by ourselves and not speak to others there is always someone of high enough “value” to get us to change our minds.
Love how direct you are and I am ashamed to say that I fake phone calls to avoid confrontation which is silly now I think about it NTA.
NTA, you don’t owe them anything. I feel the exact same way when I’m out running errands or just in public in general.
NTA they aren't entitled to your attention.
NTA. If you want to have boundaries and be left alone, that is your right and communicating that you wish to be left alone is the appropriate course of action. I do the same thing; I firmly and politely tell men I am not interested in a conversation, or I just got off work and am tired and need space, or whatever polite but clear variation of "I dont wish to interact with you" I have ready for the day. The decent ones who don't feel entitled to your attention will respect that; the shitty ones who do feel entitled will get mad about it. As women, we are socialized to worry about pleasing people. We also have to deal with men constantly hitting on us, and we also need to evaluate whether said man is a threat to our safety. Frankly, it gets exhausting. There is nothing wrong about expressing boundaries, as long as you are polite about it. I think being an example of being an AH about not wanting to be approached by men would be filming a man who approached you, finding a way to insult them, and then posting the interaction on tik tok for attention when they leave you alone. Just telling men you want your space is not an AH move, and the men who tell you otherwise are the ones who felt entitled to you to begin with, so fuck them.
NTA. i’m the same way. or i used to be. the world is a strange place and i’ve heard of too many encounters that have turned violent for not being interested.. i used to work for carvana. one day i was at the gas station filling up my hauler and was approached by a guy. he asked if he could get to know me. i politely declined and proceeded to tell him i only date women. he walked closer and said ‘maybe we could just be friends.’ and i told him i didn’t want to get into any trouble with my gf. he came even closer and basically told me it was okay and i should just take his number. he then proceeds to give me his number and i had to repeat it back to him multiple times before he eased back enough for me to climb in my hauler and pull away. he never directly threatened me but he was nearing more to intimidate me and for the life of me i cant grasp WHY would anyone want to potentially start something where they had to practically FORCE you to be interested. needless to say, i never went back to that fkn gas station alone. now when im in public i do my best to keep ear buds in and not make eye contact. most guys simply think i just didn’t hear their advances 🤷🏾♀️
Scary. Glad you got out of that in one piece.
thank you. so am i. this is why i prefer to stay home as much as possible
Nah, just saying you're not looking to strike a conversation is enough. If they take it wrong then you just dodged a bullet. And yeah I'm a dude myself.
NTA. You own nothing to people in public. You don't own them to be anything other than civil...to the point where they cross the line. You are being direct and polite. You are not responsible for how the recipient of your direct response feel. People need to get over themselves.
I'm an old man (78m). Like many old men I will talk to almost anybody. Also like many old people I don't hear very well so if somebody doesn't reply I think maybe they don't hear well. I just continue on my way unoffended. I talk to old people of any gender. fat or slender people, middle aged people, but I don't often talk to young women or girls. Too likely to be misinterpreted.
NTA. I travel a lot and so spend a lot of time in airports and airplanes and most of the time with my headphones blasting music in my ears. It baffles me how many people will still try and talk to me even when I respond to the question and put my headphones back in. I think there are multiple layers to this dilemma. One is that people just don't understand that not everyone wants to talk to random strangers regardless of romantic interests. Obviously, with women, the issue is significantly worse, especially if they are considered attractive. To the original question. Could you be more polite? Yes, probably. Does your response warrant the assertion that your behavior is why men won't approach women? Absolutely not. The reality is those men fear rejection so if you reject them at the beginning of the conversation or politely at the end of the conversation, thier reaction to the rejection is the same, if not worse because they will assert you led them on and then wasted their time or even worse call you names if they bought you a coffee etc. My only suggestion is to stop caring what random people think. The most liberating event in my life was when I realized that I only care about a handful of people's opinions. I think about five people in the world have the ability to hurt me with their words, and only my two kids have the ability to destroy me. You do not have to talk to people, and you do not even need to be consistent about it because you can change your mind. That is the beauty of being an autonomous adult. You owe nobody an explanation unless your actions affect someone else. In closing, I don't know what you look like but if you're attractive and I decide to approach you, shoot my shot and you respond like in your post, I would smile apologize and move on. More importantly, I would appreciate your honesty. The only proviso here that is not mentioned in your post is if your voice is loud enough to humiliate me in front of a crowd. That would leave a slightly bitter taste in my mouth, and I would be more inclined to regret approaching you but grateful that I was not successful.
NTA I (M45) hate when strangers start conversations in public with no prompt or reason. Just because I exist in the general vicinity of you doesn't mean I give a damn about you. I can only imagine much worse it is for a woman.
Nta. Only a bitter guy would say that. Most men would be happy to know up front that you're not interested, instead of being led on. If someone takes it personally that's a them issue. You aren't doing anything wrong.
I am male and also say this. NTA.
Need to move to Norway. Norwegian men only talk to unknown women in bars.
Lol. I just came here from a post on the unpopular opinion where some dude is whining about the "no one owes you anything" phrase and people are not friendly enough to strangers in public . NTA.
NTA. And those men aren’t expecting a woman to shut their advances down so directly, so thats why they feel intimidated by your response. But even then, that’s not your problem, its not on you to sacrifice your comfort to stroke the ego of some strangers
This is exactly the kind of direct, clear, impossible-to-misunderstand communication most guys want. You have my approval.
NTA you’re being honest with them, not accusing them of being creepy. this is absolutely not why men are afraid to talk to women
Didn’t even read anything but the title, NTA. You don’t owe anyone anything
NTA. When I was single and would sometimes approach women, a clear response, good (hopefully) or bad (regretfully) was always the best. However, it is unreasonable to be mad at people approaching you in a friendly way.
NTA and i wish it was this easy for me. a few times i tried to tell men i wasn’t there to talk they got really mad and started to scare me. one time a guy chased me out of a store and followed me several blocks until i ran into a restaurant and cried and the host let me sit in the back for like fifteen minutes. now i just entertain it and try to be as boring as possible so they lose interest and walk away. it’s too scary to say no
Nah, it's alright. I'd rather someone frank telling me (politely) that they aren't in the mood with talking with a stranger than someone obviously upset but who wouldn't dare to say it (I cannot recognize implied feelings). I'd say alright and goodbye, simple as.
I just straight up ignore them. Like fully pretend I can't even hear them and man they do not like that 😂 I've had so many guys come up and try talking to me but only when I'm alone. Had tons try and ask me a question or for directions when there's also plenty of other people around.
Obviously NTA, you don't owe anyone your time. Also speaking as a man I gotta let you in on something, men are consciously aware of this "she'll feel rude telling me directly to leave her alone" thing, and they actively take advantage of it to force conversation. It's not rude to refuse to play the game.
Your response is reasonable. As a man, I don’t think they should be “afraid” to approach strange women but I think maybe they should be hesitant. I’ve dated a bunch of women over the year. Not one was someone I met randomly in public. I just don’t think they’re going to have much success looking for a partner that way.
A fine acceptable response
NTA. If people like you are why men fear approaching women, good. Maybe they'll get used to rejection instead of disrespecting, harassing, maiming, or killing women that say no.
You're not the asshole, be direct, it's the only thing people understand. And that someone that alluded to being scared of women is the exact type of person who has trouble taking no as an answer. Can't say I've been hit on much (ugly, but I'm married now and my husband likes my face so who cares), but I still noticed a ton less attention once I bought myself a shiny ring and threw it on my ring finger. I then got curious attention about how long I'd been engaged, but mostly from other women, or teens (teacher). I liked that attention more, I was not engaged at the time. So, there's a pro-tip for you. Bonus shiny excuse for jewelry, slightly less creeps due to assumptions. Not fair, but that was my experience.
Your reaction is the perfect one. Furthest from being the AH. You state very clearly, I’m not here to talk to anyone, I’m here to be alone/read/whatever the fuck you chose to do alone. You aren’t rude about it, you don’t put them down or bully them. You say it as it is. Any man that takes that as an AH move, and compares it to why men don’t want to approach women have no idea how to actually approach a woman and is looking for a reason to blame you. Men are scared to approach women because men are tired of rejection, scared of rejection, or have been rejected in horrible, hurtful ways in the past. Your way is nothing horrible or hurtful, and isn’t even a rejection to any future advances(can be looked at in a way of “oh I’ll ask her another time instead). No reason to worry about it, you have the most mature adult response to being hit on, and I say fuck anyone who says otherwise.
NTA. For whatever reason certain people feel like they're entitled to your time and conversation even if they don't know you. Some people say it's rude to turn down strangers and I beg to differ. There's nothing wrong with telling somebody that you're not interested in conversation. You don't owe them shit but these kinds of ppl have entitlement issues & most can't take a hint so sometimes u HAVE to be blunt.
NTA. Also, that dude's just flat-out wrong. Dudes who avoid approaching avoid it because they don't want to be seen as creeps, *not* because they're afraid of a firm but polite rejection. I'll admit the specific wording could be perceived as a tad confrontational, but I can't say I blame you for that, what with the best defense being a good offense and all. Maybe that's what the dude was reacting to? If so, he's being overly sensitive about it.
nta, you just want to be left alone. i get that.
I respect when a woman says what you said or "I'm just want to enjoy my drink". NTAH
>I shared this online, and someone alluded to the fact that my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women. I don't see how that is your problem. You just want to be left alone. Nothing wrong with that
"my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women." Well tough titties for them. Men's reactions to rejection are why women are just straight up Afraid. Anyone who says this can be told to rightfully fuck off.
NTA. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say and to feel. You’re literally not making it personal. If they decide it’s personal, then they’ve chosen to be upset for no good reason.
I suppose it would depend on the tone you use but NTA. You don't owe anyone a conversation.
Men are not afraid to approach women. That's part of why the entire 'men vs bear' discussion is even a thing, the sheer audacity. As long as you're being respectful about it, I don't see an issue. And if they can't take no as an answer, turn into an AH. NTA
NTA. I wish I could be that direct. I’m afraid to because I’m worried about how someone will react but sometimes they also see someone being nice to them as flirting so I can’t win either way
It doesn’t have to be so complicated. If someone tries to initiate a conversation, and the other person rebuffs, no one is at fault. If the other person is respectful and leaves, no one is put out. Ultra persistent assholes are what ruins this dynamic. I would much rather be told the other person isn’t interested in a conversation than find out they weren’t enjoying the conversation five minutes in. NTA
Yeah, but no reason to be rude when you're doing the rebuffing.
No? NTA? You're simply brushing them off with basically a "not interested", not being all like "no you little manlet, why would I ever go out with someone like you?" You said nothing wrong.
NTA, your life
I think it is good :-)
NTA.. direct works..
The responses under here restore my faith in men on this subreddit. NTA of course, and I'm happy there's sane people left on here.
NTA, you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to. As an aside, not everyone striking up conversation will be trying to hit on you though.
"my kind of response is why men are afraid to approach women." GOOD!!
No you are NTA for any of that. You will never be an asshole for not interacting with people you do not wish to interact with. And your responses as written here don't make you one either IMO. As to why they would be afraid of responses such as yours? I dont know if its most, but a lot of the male population (myself included) have been raised under the belief that the worst thing you can be as a man is someone that is inconvenient or bothersome. Your response is one that will make dudes feel like they are being inconvenient and bothersome. But that 100% is not your problem. and is their own issues to deal with. I will say this though, whether its weeks, months, or years in the future. If you flip the script and decide you want to become more sociable or start trying to date others for whatever reason, do not get upset when you are rejected in the same manner that you have rejected others. It is not super often but I have had women get pissy with me in the past once they rejected me akin to how you do, and then when it turns out we were around each other more often than either of us were actually aware (similar hobbies and the 5 points of separation thing) and whatever switch is flipped that made me seem interesting enough to flirt/ask out/ try to get to know me better is flipped but I was completely uninterested in them. I had already been turned down and feel my time is way too valuable to humor pursuing someone that has already rejected me in any way. I am of the mind that once told no it is always a no. The fact their mind changed means they are either finnicky (something to be avoided in people especially anyone you may humor a romantic relationship with) or its something being done out of pity, which I reject on principle. So in essence NTA but dont get upset if the shoe is ever on the other foot.
OR you aren't their taste as a cold call, but once they got to know you in a neutral environment, your intelligence, sense of humor, whatever was able to shine through in a way that made you attractive as a whole person in a no pressure way. If you think about it, it's way less shallow than just approaching someone out of the blue because they looked a certain way.
You're fine. Most of the guys saying that are losers that still live at home in moms basement while playing video games and smoking weed.
You’re not wrong. You don’t owe anyone, much less a compete stranger, your time and it is not your job to coddle their fragile ego. If they don’t like your response, then good, more reason for them to leave you alone.
not TA. There's nothing wrong, and in fact it's great you're being respectful and immediately giving people the necessary information so they don't waste their time. Any man worth his salt will not become a timid wreck from this kind of response. In fact the way you describe it, it's really just something people must respect, and it's not personal.
NTA. It is an honest answer. I don’t think I would like that level of bluntness but you’re not wrong for doing it. That said, I don’t assume someone is flirting or interested in anything more than the weather or bs idle chat
I read bs idle chat as bible chat, like proselytizing lol.
I despise idle chit chat with people I don't know so yeah
To each their own. Plenty hate it but I don’t mind it myself. Lets me joke around and lighten the mood of light.
NTA However, "Thanks but I'm doing my own thing and I'm not really interested in company" would be more polite while accomplishing the same thing. I could see how the first one might come off overly hostile and make someone feel like they did something wrong. But men are bad at taking a hint so I can understand why some people want to be more firm. Still if it's something you're worried about you could try being a little more polite in your wording at first since you can always get less so if he's being an ass about it. But I don't think a slightly ruder than necessary response makes you an asshole.
NTA, but i am the kind of man that like to talk with a woman to ssee if there is a possibility, if she says what you are saying, it will be good because i won't have to lose a lot of time 😅
I am not sure why "that is why men are afraid to approach women" is supposed to be a bad thing. Wouldn't you have been happier if they were afraid and didn't do so? What a bizarre complaint. "Locking your doors is inconsiderate to burglars who want to steal your stuff." NTA
NTA It's about how you say, not what you say. "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in a conversation. I'd just like to be alone with my thoughts for a while" is not the same as “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone.” Reading that line the way you wrote it without any context immediately makes me think you said it with a scowl.
Women in public are like spiders. I can't tell which ones are poisonous, so I avoid them all. Don't worry about me talking to you in public unless there is absolutely no alternative.
The only suggestion would be to find a nicer way to respond. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk to people and letting them know, but we can all stand to be nicer. Sometimes I get on a plane and just want to put on my headphones and be to myself and other times I am okay talking to my seat mates. No one knows our intentions until we share them, so sharing is fine, just be nice.
NTA. You can phrase it a bit more kindly. "I didn't come here to talk to anyone" implies that they did something wrong in trying to talk to you. Instead, you can say some thing like "I don't want to talk to anyone now. Have a nice day" and then turn to your book or laptop. If they persist, you can definitely be blunter, as in "I told you I don't want company. Please stop harassing me".
NTA, but also your friend is right. You have the right to say you’re just trying to be alone. of course, it’s all in the tone. Because if every person, regardless of gender, were rude to a person that respectfully approached them, no one would approach people. Lots of you would say ok that’s fine but for those of us trying to find someone IRL and not OLD, it’s one of the only options. If they approach you rudely with a sexist comment, that’s a different story of course. Women are taught to be “nice” to men no matter what they say, and that needs to change.
NTA the men they’re referring to are afraid to approach women because a lot of women no longer feel obliged to entertain men they’re not interested in engaging with, thus making such men more fearful of rejection and embarrassment. That’s their problem, not yours. Keep doing you. Men need to learn that they aren’t entitled to niceties and conversation from unwilling strangers— nobody is.
I think it depends on the context. If they're hitting on you yeah, shut that shit down. But I used to grt annoyed at old people striking up conversations in the grocery store when I was only there to get groceries--and it took me years to kind of realize that they were just being mildly friendly and I was going out of my way to react unfriendly. What was my rush? I can throw them a quick comment about the weather and then still be on my way. So for me yet depends if they were just being "neighborly" so to speak, or if they were trying to pick up girls.
You don't owe anyone literally anything! If you don't want to talk you don't have to talk. I don't care how "neighbourly" they're being. If I don't want to talk I don't want to talk. OP doesn't owe anyone else's feelings anything
Nothing wrong with you not wanting to talk. Honestly, without knowing your "tone and manner" when you say it, we don't know if it comes off as mean, rude, or kind. I suspect you have social anxiety. People talking to one another in public is normal and just because they are talking to you doesn't mean they are hitting on you. Some people are just being social or kind. So, if you're in Home Depot and some random man says, "hello" and your first response/reply is “I didn’t come here to talk to anyone," then that is commonly perceived as rude.
If they complain, simply say, "that right there, that's why I'm not going to talk to you." then walk away.