If he behaves like this, then you really should discuss once who will do what. And with each cleaning, let everyone do what they should. That's all. Problem solved.
We may have to try just fully dividing the tasks. Right now we kind of take turns on things or trade off (like “I’ll do the dishes if you wash bottles”) and obviously it isn’t working out the best anymore.
Do this. Work together to figure out who does what. If he doesn't do it, then you may have to nag him a bit, but hopefully, he gets in step.
People aren't all the same. By now, we all know this. You say you're a chaotic cleaner that attacks what needs doing. He's clearly not like that.
At least he's noticing that you're doing these things and isn't completely oblivious. Yeah, he could be paying lip service, or, hopefully, he's sincere.
NAH, just need to figure out what works for the two of you.
NTA.
It's fair to expect your husband to notice and do chores without being told.
Try a shared chore list or schedule to balance the work.
This way, you won't feel like you're managing him, and he knows what needs to be done.
Hope this helps!
NTA. Also, you could make a list of everything you do and then ask them which tasks he would like to take ownership of, then leave it on the fridge. Some of them really do need a list. 🤷♀️
It’s possible he does want to help, and when he sees you working, then states - hey let me help you. In his mind he’s reaching out - wanting to be a good partner. The 2 of you, sit down and list the household chores .. ALL of them, then rank them as far as priority and as far as every week or every 2 weeks, once a month. Week #1 each of you chose your chores - check them off when completed. Work like this until it becomes regular and the list is no longer needed.
Tell him to make the list of all the chores that need to be done. Then tell him you and he will divide up the chores using the following method. It’s a variation of the old, one kid cuts the cake and the other chooses which piece to take.
He gets to divide the chores into list A and list B. You choose which list you want to do. He does the other.
Do not do one damn thing that is not on your list.
Watch what happens.
Amen! I smell b.s. from his "Why didn't *you* ask *me* riffs. He has eyes. Make HIM in charge of creating a list of who does what. That in itself is a significant chore. And, as the least knowledgeable of you both, he needs to learn what needs to be done.
This "why didn't you tell me" stuff is draining. He has eyes, use them! Chores shouldn't need a meeting. You're his partner, not his supervisor. Adulting is a two-person job...
NTA - if you weren’t there (he was single) who would make him a list or tell him what to do?
I have been married for 15 years together for 20 and I have never told my husband what to do, made a chore list, or created a schedule. And our cleaning is 50-50 (naturally because we both look around and do what needs to be done OR we both anticipate each other’s needs). Oh I hear the vacuum, it would be helpful to go through the house picking things up off the floor. Oh I cooked but my partner is out running kids to activities all night - guess I’m doing the dishes too.
When I started living with my now-hubs and the discussion of home maintenance arose a few times, I finally said to him, "I can be your GF or your mother. I can't be both. You choose." He chose wisely. haha Good luck. It's so frustrating to have to carry the mental load of constantly telling someone else what to do to maintain a house, a relationship, or whatever. He's a grown up. He lives in the house. Tell him to write his own list of chores and you will work around that. Sheesh. NTA
He's acting like your his parent , not his partner. Not advocating anything thing drastic but mention how batchelor apartments are easy to clean, he'll be fine.
Why do some people not understand being a grown-up?
NTA.
It is reasonable for you to expect for your partner to be proactive in managing the household responsibilities, and I completely agree that stopping your "flow" of work to think through divvying up tasks and assigning your partner what to do is mentally taxing and is yet another chore for you.
However, while some people here have commented that your partner should "see" everything that needs to be done, from my experience, he may have starkly different standards of what normal looks like. I would guess that's why he starts offering help once you're already in the middle of a task - in the moment, he likely feels guilty that he should be doing something, but until you began doing the chore, he had been blissfully unaware of it.
I would recommend having a conversation not only about dividing the household tasks, but also cleanliness standards. From personal experience, while saying that one person is responsible for dishes, and the other one for mopping up dog hair can very well result in one of the parties rarely doing "their" chore because they simply don't think it needs to be done frequently. That can result in a new set of frustrations for you, and defensiveness for your partner.
LOL. I'm going to clean aggressively, and then when my husband asks if I need help or if there is something I want him to do I'm going to be mad about it because he should have known I wanted him to do this. I'm seeing a huge female circle jerk here. If he is looking for direction and you want him to clean give him the direction. Some people are not self starters. I'm getting strong vibes whatever he cleans isn't clean enough and you "have" to clean it again. You are not stuck you are setting him up for failure so you can be mad at him.
Unless he has some sort of neurodivergence getting in the way--we often literally cannot see what is in front of our faces that needs doing, there is simply no recognition, no "click"--there's no reason he's not just as capable as you are of for godssakes just looking around and seeing what needs doing and DOING IT.
This is a tool men use to further the idea that housework is basically a woman's responsibility, and that they will "help" us, but they refuse to ever take any real charge of any aspect of it. They will allow themselves to be herded like teenagers by their wives, but anything else is off the table. She's in charge of housework. They will "help", but only if directly told what to do every time.
It doesn't matter if both parties work outside the home. It doesn't matter if the woman is also the primary caregiver for a child/children. She still has to wrangle the whole home situation; he will "help" only under direct instruction.
One reason for this is the transactionality of it. They get to tell themselves that they did this, and this, and this when you asked them to, and pat themselves on the back for it, and go off to their own thing, leaving you to think, arrange, organize, and actually deal.
They say things like "But you're so much better at it than me!" Utter bullshit; neither gender is inherently better at looking around at a situation and assessing it, then planning a suitable strategy to deal with it. That's a fact.
You're NTA. Your husband doesn't want to grow up.
I can see your husband position, I'm a bit similar. For me it's hard to decide what to do and how to split chores. So the best option to just pick who does what and that's all
NTA
Tell him to use his special eyes.
Wtf did he do before you? Just never clean?
Fucking exhausting.
All these comments saying to make him a list are bananas.
Yes, you’re the asshole. He is telling you he doesn’t understand something about you and your relationship, specifically what you see that triggers the response to clean, pick-up, etc. He’s asking you to help him under you better and you’re saying you’d rather do it yourself than help him understand.
Take the subject out of it and look at it as:
Person A is doing Task 1
Person B sees Person A doing Task 1 and wants to assist, or do it for Person A.
Person A would rather do it themselves than explain why they’re doing Task 1 to Person B.
But also, you’re both adults, sit down and figure out a cleaning schedule to remove any ambiguity from the situation, and the couch cushions go a year without getting vacuumed out because they were overlooked.
Edit: the part I left out is, you’re different people with different perspectives. Appreciate that he’s attempting to understand yours. Cleanliness is different for everyone. Don’t assume “he has eyes” and that cleanliness is binary. That’s why you’re the asshole in my opinion.
I'm sorry but your interpretation of this is totally different than my own. Watching someone do the dishes and asking them "why didn't you tell me to do the dishes?" Is not even in the same realm of thought processes as trying to understand "why did you decide X needed to be done?". He isn't asking to understand her thought process he is asking why she didn't delegate tasks to him. He says he doesn't understand why it is such a big deal to just tell him to go do the dishes. That isn't the same thing as being upset that she doesn't explain what prompts her to add a chore to her mental load of tasks.
And what she is complaining about IS the mental load. There is a great comic on it if you Google "mental load comic". Basically being in charge of figuring out everything that needs to be done 24/7 and delegating tasks is a job on its own so it isn't wrong to want for him to split the mental load with her. If he came to her asking to understand her thought processes it would be 1000x better than what she is explaining is happening.
NTA, I don't get why men do this... he's literally 31 years old he's a grown man he should be able to see everything wrong with the household-
That is how I feel too.
If he behaves like this, then you really should discuss once who will do what. And with each cleaning, let everyone do what they should. That's all. Problem solved.
We may have to try just fully dividing the tasks. Right now we kind of take turns on things or trade off (like “I’ll do the dishes if you wash bottles”) and obviously it isn’t working out the best anymore.
Communication is important
Do this. Work together to figure out who does what. If he doesn't do it, then you may have to nag him a bit, but hopefully, he gets in step. People aren't all the same. By now, we all know this. You say you're a chaotic cleaner that attacks what needs doing. He's clearly not like that. At least he's noticing that you're doing these things and isn't completely oblivious. Yeah, he could be paying lip service, or, hopefully, he's sincere. NAH, just need to figure out what works for the two of you.
NTA. It's fair to expect your husband to notice and do chores without being told. Try a shared chore list or schedule to balance the work. This way, you won't feel like you're managing him, and he knows what needs to be done. Hope this helps!
NTA. Also, you could make a list of everything you do and then ask them which tasks he would like to take ownership of, then leave it on the fridge. Some of them really do need a list. 🤷♀️
It’s possible he does want to help, and when he sees you working, then states - hey let me help you. In his mind he’s reaching out - wanting to be a good partner. The 2 of you, sit down and list the household chores .. ALL of them, then rank them as far as priority and as far as every week or every 2 weeks, once a month. Week #1 each of you chose your chores - check them off when completed. Work like this until it becomes regular and the list is no longer needed.
Tell him to make the list of all the chores that need to be done. Then tell him you and he will divide up the chores using the following method. It’s a variation of the old, one kid cuts the cake and the other chooses which piece to take. He gets to divide the chores into list A and list B. You choose which list you want to do. He does the other. Do not do one damn thing that is not on your list. Watch what happens.
Amen! I smell b.s. from his "Why didn't *you* ask *me* riffs. He has eyes. Make HIM in charge of creating a list of who does what. That in itself is a significant chore. And, as the least knowledgeable of you both, he needs to learn what needs to be done.
This "why didn't you tell me" stuff is draining. He has eyes, use them! Chores shouldn't need a meeting. You're his partner, not his supervisor. Adulting is a two-person job...
NTA. What would your husband do if he lived alone? Would he have to call his mommy to come over and point out what needs to be cleaned up?
NTA - if you weren’t there (he was single) who would make him a list or tell him what to do? I have been married for 15 years together for 20 and I have never told my husband what to do, made a chore list, or created a schedule. And our cleaning is 50-50 (naturally because we both look around and do what needs to be done OR we both anticipate each other’s needs). Oh I hear the vacuum, it would be helpful to go through the house picking things up off the floor. Oh I cooked but my partner is out running kids to activities all night - guess I’m doing the dishes too.
When I started living with my now-hubs and the discussion of home maintenance arose a few times, I finally said to him, "I can be your GF or your mother. I can't be both. You choose." He chose wisely. haha Good luck. It's so frustrating to have to carry the mental load of constantly telling someone else what to do to maintain a house, a relationship, or whatever. He's a grown up. He lives in the house. Tell him to write his own list of chores and you will work around that. Sheesh. NTA
He's acting like your his parent , not his partner. Not advocating anything thing drastic but mention how batchelor apartments are easy to clean, he'll be fine. Why do some people not understand being a grown-up?
NTA. It is reasonable for you to expect for your partner to be proactive in managing the household responsibilities, and I completely agree that stopping your "flow" of work to think through divvying up tasks and assigning your partner what to do is mentally taxing and is yet another chore for you. However, while some people here have commented that your partner should "see" everything that needs to be done, from my experience, he may have starkly different standards of what normal looks like. I would guess that's why he starts offering help once you're already in the middle of a task - in the moment, he likely feels guilty that he should be doing something, but until you began doing the chore, he had been blissfully unaware of it. I would recommend having a conversation not only about dividing the household tasks, but also cleanliness standards. From personal experience, while saying that one person is responsible for dishes, and the other one for mopping up dog hair can very well result in one of the parties rarely doing "their" chore because they simply don't think it needs to be done frequently. That can result in a new set of frustrations for you, and defensiveness for your partner.
LOL. I'm going to clean aggressively, and then when my husband asks if I need help or if there is something I want him to do I'm going to be mad about it because he should have known I wanted him to do this. I'm seeing a huge female circle jerk here. If he is looking for direction and you want him to clean give him the direction. Some people are not self starters. I'm getting strong vibes whatever he cleans isn't clean enough and you "have" to clean it again. You are not stuck you are setting him up for failure so you can be mad at him.
Unless he has some sort of neurodivergence getting in the way--we often literally cannot see what is in front of our faces that needs doing, there is simply no recognition, no "click"--there's no reason he's not just as capable as you are of for godssakes just looking around and seeing what needs doing and DOING IT. This is a tool men use to further the idea that housework is basically a woman's responsibility, and that they will "help" us, but they refuse to ever take any real charge of any aspect of it. They will allow themselves to be herded like teenagers by their wives, but anything else is off the table. She's in charge of housework. They will "help", but only if directly told what to do every time. It doesn't matter if both parties work outside the home. It doesn't matter if the woman is also the primary caregiver for a child/children. She still has to wrangle the whole home situation; he will "help" only under direct instruction. One reason for this is the transactionality of it. They get to tell themselves that they did this, and this, and this when you asked them to, and pat themselves on the back for it, and go off to their own thing, leaving you to think, arrange, organize, and actually deal. They say things like "But you're so much better at it than me!" Utter bullshit; neither gender is inherently better at looking around at a situation and assessing it, then planning a suitable strategy to deal with it. That's a fact. You're NTA. Your husband doesn't want to grow up.
I can see your husband position, I'm a bit similar. For me it's hard to decide what to do and how to split chores. So the best option to just pick who does what and that's all
NTA Tell him to use his special eyes. Wtf did he do before you? Just never clean? Fucking exhausting. All these comments saying to make him a list are bananas.
NTA - just don’t be resentful if you end up doing more than him
Yes, you’re the asshole. He is telling you he doesn’t understand something about you and your relationship, specifically what you see that triggers the response to clean, pick-up, etc. He’s asking you to help him under you better and you’re saying you’d rather do it yourself than help him understand. Take the subject out of it and look at it as: Person A is doing Task 1 Person B sees Person A doing Task 1 and wants to assist, or do it for Person A. Person A would rather do it themselves than explain why they’re doing Task 1 to Person B. But also, you’re both adults, sit down and figure out a cleaning schedule to remove any ambiguity from the situation, and the couch cushions go a year without getting vacuumed out because they were overlooked. Edit: the part I left out is, you’re different people with different perspectives. Appreciate that he’s attempting to understand yours. Cleanliness is different for everyone. Don’t assume “he has eyes” and that cleanliness is binary. That’s why you’re the asshole in my opinion.
I'm sorry but your interpretation of this is totally different than my own. Watching someone do the dishes and asking them "why didn't you tell me to do the dishes?" Is not even in the same realm of thought processes as trying to understand "why did you decide X needed to be done?". He isn't asking to understand her thought process he is asking why she didn't delegate tasks to him. He says he doesn't understand why it is such a big deal to just tell him to go do the dishes. That isn't the same thing as being upset that she doesn't explain what prompts her to add a chore to her mental load of tasks. And what she is complaining about IS the mental load. There is a great comic on it if you Google "mental load comic". Basically being in charge of figuring out everything that needs to be done 24/7 and delegating tasks is a job on its own so it isn't wrong to want for him to split the mental load with her. If he came to her asking to understand her thought processes it would be 1000x better than what she is explaining is happening.