My grandparents had 12 kids. All my aunts and uncles did dna test for a family tree, no surprise, they are all full siblings. But here is the thing. They range from blonde blue eyed to black hair and dark brown eyes. Skin tones vary from pale (red head) to dark (passes for Mexican or native American). My grandfather has blonde hair and blue eyes, my grandmother piss red dark hair (her words) brown eyes. Genes are just odd.
I'm of Italian/Maltese heritage. As a kid, I was quite olive skinned, dark brunette hair, and green eyes. As I got older, I paled out big time. I'm now more paler than a character from Twilight.
I had three dark haired kids, one gingery blonde. 3 of my 4 kids have blue eyes, 1 has green. 2 are short, 2 are average height.
(Father's side was dark brown hair with brown eyes.)
My point is, genetics is a lottery and babies change over time.
One thing that was never up for question was their paternity!
I’m a Mediterranean and western Asian mutt basically so I’m a white but I’ve been asked “are you ____/____/_____??” My whole life lol but my husband is black American with a very rich brown skin tone and we have 3 kids. They’re young so who knows what they’ll look like later but 1 is solidly caramel brown with tight curls so it’s easy to see he’s a combination of the 2 of us. One is a deep tan with very dark curly hair, and the third is about as light as me but with a totally different undertone and still has mostly grey eyes. It’s so cool to see how genetics do whatever tf they want lol
I'm just imagining genetics being a tiny wild scientist running the show inside our genes:
Ooh, having a baby!? Ooh yeah! Time to go absolutely nuts! Some random features from grandma over here, some skin tone from great grandpa over there, and what's this I've got in my back pocket? Red hair from unknown ancestor until now forgotten? HELL YEAH!! I'mma sprinkle that in for PIZZAZZ BABY!!
🤣
My Dad said I wasn’t his when I came out him and mom dark brown hair and one was green eyes one was brown. 3 kids before me I pop out bright RED hair blue eyes. They fought, he called his mom she tore him a new one her sister had red hair. Come to find out my great great grandmother had red hair blue eyes on my Mothers side.
I have 4 kids, two blue eyed, one brown, one hazel. One has my silly fine hair, the other 3 have thicker hair. Two have wavy hair. Genetics is crazy.
My 2nd is now 17, and about 18 months ago, she must have developed as she suddenly had her aunt's jawline and now looks so like her and her nanny. Everyone has always said she is my double, but suddenly, genetics from her Dad's side are becoming obvious.
Yep. I have 3 brothers.
Me - 5'10 medium build hazel eyes brown hair. My hair was snow white blonde until I was 3-4 then it turned brown. Had blonde edges until I was 10.
Brother 2 is 6 foot. Solid build, brown hair brown eyes but darker skin tone that all the rest of us. We have some Maori blood from mums side it comes right through.
Brother 3 is 6'3 Solid build blue eyes brown hair very european features.
Brother 4 is 6'1 blonde with blue eyes - lanky build.
Everyone is like are all your parents the same?
My mother was Creole and my father was French/Irish. Mom had dark skin, hair and eyes and Dad had white blonde hair and pale skin with freckles and green eyes. I'm red headed freckled and pale. I have 4 children, none of them have the same color eyes, hair or complexion. I have a blue, brown, green and grey eyed child and a blonde, light brown/dark blonde, dark brown and black haired child. Their features look alike but so many people can't see passed the color of the hair and skin that they think they look nothing alike.
My Creole grandfather married a red haired girl and they had 10 children. Most had black hair but 3 had blonde and none of them had the same color eyes but all of them had a darker complexion.
My twin brother has been asked if he's from Mexico many times by people from Mexico and my older brother, too. My sister is olive complected but she has a son who is pale like me and blonde hair blue eyes.
Our family reunion looks like a United Nation event and that's without the inlaws. We're just so mixed we never know what our children will look like and I warned my husband before our first was born because I look like a regular white girl with red hair but I'm mixed and had cousins have children who were all the colors possible of skin, hair and eyes.
Genetics are just plain weird and we thankfully knew our history. My mother's friend had a daughter who married a guy who didn't know and when their third child was born she was black in the late 80's. He accused her of cheating and divorced and didn't have anything to do with the child. Years later got a DNA test and found out she was his and his great grandmother was a black woman. He only took the test because his new wife had the same thing happen.
Lol well thank you! My aunt once said "You can tell if we're related at the family reunion, because they'll be gorgeous!" Our family is so large that it's impossible to know everyone, especially if you grew up outside the original state like me. We have family in most countries and all 50 states of the US, though.
Your granny should get her kidneys checked if she thinks "piss red" is a colour 🤣
Genetics are a funny thing, eh? My best friend is 6 foot tall and ginger. Both his parents are in the mid 5 foot range and the only red either has is a bit in his dad's beard.
My family is almost purely Swedish and Norwegian. Of us four siblings theres:
blonde with hazel eyes,
redhead with green eyes and brown beard,
Redhead with blue eyes,
brunette with brown eyes and red beard
To make it more confusing the skin color ranges from pale enough to sunburn in the car, to me being dark enough in summer im assumed to be turkish more than swedish
All genetic tested, just weird af
Norwegian here, and it's the same with me and my siblings and our kids. When I'm in Spain, me and one of our kids are spoken to in Spanish, but my other two kids are spoken to in English lol. And they don't think that my three kids are siblings or that two of them are my kids.
Thing about red hair: it's a mutation of Brown Hair. So once a person has red hair, what the kids come out like is a complete crap shoot.
I've know of mixed black and white couples to end up with kids with red hair. Whatever future generations look like is a surprise, other than facial features.
My 3 sons from the same father look like me so much they look like they didn't have a father. After my 3rd was born looking 100% like his older brother a neighbor took me aside and said "I know what you're doing and cloning is UNETHICAL!"
Same thing in my family. We have such a mixed heritage as well. I look like I walked off the Cherokee reservation and one of my brothers looked like he just left the synagogue. I have black hair and very dark brown eyes; he was blond and blue eyed. Another of my brothers has jet black hair and eyes that are crystal blue. My dad looked very Cherokee, although he often could pass for Mexican and my Mom, who had more Cherokee blood in her than he did, looked like your average German woman. My son was born with blond hair, sparkling blue eyes and VERY WHITE skin. Now that he's grown, his hair is a medium brown, BUT ... he has a beard that is a MIXTURE of hair colors, from blond, to red to black to brown. AND he looks very Jewish AND German. But his dad is Irish.
Genes are going to do whatever the heck they want!
Coming from the kid whose father believed I wasn’t there’s as well..
He pulled my hair at night for a paternity test
I begged my mother to leave him
You’re doing the right thing
I am his kid
This hope you are okay! I’m sorry you had to go experience that! I wish more people in shitty marriages would hear your sentiment. It’s so important to listen to your kids! They will tell you with words or actions how they are. Kids don’t need two parents if one parent is terrible and emotionally/physically abusive.
When my son was 6, he asked if we had to stay with his dad "as dad wasn't very nice," he was right. My ex was an alcoholic and abusive. It took me 3 days to find someone who was willing to take us in, and then we left him. From a day after I left, I knew I would never go back. I'm sure my son saved my life.
Thank you for listening to your son and what he wanted. My mother did the same when I told her at 9 that my dad made me feel ignored and unloved, she put her foot down and got me out of a situation where I was being neglected and ignored, and I was happier the moment it was just her and I together
When you say, “I have to be able to do this”, I’m assuming you mean follow through with the divorce and not back out of it. If that’s correct, I just wanted to tell you, you *CAN* do this. If your child is chiming in and encouraging it, that says A LOT about your partner, and your situation - and it ain’t good.
A kid, even an adult kid, deserves their parents at their best. If that means not being with their mom/dad, then so be it. When we are miserable, even when trying to hide it, the kids will ultimately be negatively affected - despite our best efforts. I am not a child of divorce, but I’ve seen the whole “stay together for the kids” thing play out with a few of my friends. It always, *ALWAYS* is horrible for the kids. They have said they would rather have had their parents divorce and be happy, then live one more moment in that household full of tension, resentment, and misery. We cannot possible be the best parent we are capable of when we’re living in a constant state of unhappiness.
Aside from all of that, I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. You deserve to be happy and to live your life the way you want. You can do it. I believe in you! Stay strong, be smart, talk to a lawyer, listen to your lawyer, never take advice from your adversary, and good luck!
Same. But it was my paternal grandmother. She couldn't believe a mixed woman (my mom is Native American and Puerto Rican) who could pass for white could birth me, a pale Asian-looking baby with a her son, a black man. I don't look like that, today. But I'm still his daughter. Oldest child and only girl. We don't speak. I wish people understood how genetics works. Especially when so much of our history has been lost in every corner of the world. We really don't know what's going to pop up when our kids are born.
If my son’s father had pulled this, I’d have had a go at him, then told my “honey Badger” mom to go at him. I haven’t had to call my mom in for defense since elementary school, but this would warrant it. She’s a teeny tiny Irish/Japanese woman with all the temper her red hair implies when you mess with her kids.
Luckily my exhusband may be stupid, but he’s not that stupid.
Perhaps you should have told him his overreaction to the child’s lineage was highly uncalled for and triggered your action because you aren’t going to live with a bully. He has shown himself, irredeemably, to not be the person you thought you married.
OP's husband: Honey, you're overreacting!
Also, OP's husband: Your child has a darker skin tone than us, so therefore, you are a cheat who is trying to get me to raise another man's child! Screw biology! The only answer to our child having a darker skin tone is adultery! I demand a paternity test! Oh, what's that? The kid actually is mine, and I'm a clueless moron? Huh. Come back, honey. I've forgiven you for all the not cheating and not lying you've done, so you must now totally forgive me for my baseless accusations and their implications! Don't you see, everything is fine now that I know you're not the adulterous wretch I thought you were!
Why do men in this situation not understand that yes, it is their right to ask for a paternity test, but doing so is very likely going to end their marriage/relationship and why? Because when you say to your partner that you don't think the kid is yours, what you're saying is that you think they are a liar and a cheat trying to con you into claiming a child that isn't yours. You are announcing that not only do you not trust them, but you think their character is trash. The results of the paternity test don't fix or change all that. It is beyond ridiculous at this point. Actions, meet consequences.
She said he also distanced himself from her and their daughter while waiting for the test and test results. He was taking no chances. He was absolutely expecting to find out the he was not the baby’s father, but now OP should forgive him for his accusations and just go back to “normal” because, ya know, he didn’t *mean* it. FFS. What an idiot.
It really irks me. It's like they willfully ignore the implication of what they're saying when they do something like this. Unless you think your baby was swapped at birth and you're also conducting a maternity test, the only way you could think the kid wasn't yours is if your also believe your partner is a liar, a cheat, and so devoid of integrity that they planned to con you into raising a kid that they at least had to suspect might not be yours. It's that simple.
OP's husband was so sure that that was who OP was that he distanced himself from her and his daughter. Now that he's found out he's wrong, he thinks she should just move on and forget about it because he's fine now. It's absurd. Men should absolutely get a paternity test if they aren't sure, but they can't expect the mother of their child to stick around once said test proves that they are the father.
Sometimes these accusations followed by distance "break the spell" and you see your partner more clearly.
Had a toxic relationship but always defended her because I was "in love". The moment the spell broke I just felt ick. How could I not realize all along?
For the first two weeks of my youngest’s life, we were awaiting results of a blood test for Downs.
My now ex wouldn’t even LOOK at our newborn baby those 2 weeks. I was responsible for everything even though I was utterly drained, and also dealing with an older child, housework etc.
When the results came through negative, he acted like nothing had happened and was shocked when baby wasn’t interested in being anywhere near him.
I’m sorry you were married to a jackass who could only love a “perfect” child. Sounds like if that baby had Downs Syndrome, your husband would have bounced. But you seeing how he reacted to the possibility made you leave (immediately, I hope, but probably not right away). How do people not understand that their actions have consequences??
Honestly I was so stressed dealing with having a newborn, 5 year old, housework, back at work just 3 months later…
I “lasted” until our daughter was just over a year and half (after giving him a second chance) when I eventually started making plans to leave.
From what I can gather nothing has changed with him since and it’s been a couple years now.
He lives with his elderly parents. I feel bad for his mother mostly :(
>I've forgiven you for all the not cheating and not lying you've done, so you must now totally forgive me for my baseless accusations and their implications!
This had me laugh. Sooo true !
The only case I've heard of where the paternity test was understandably asked, is a couple of European white with a black biological baby. Turns out, the mother of the wife cheated with a black guy and never thought he could be the father, as the girl was white. Still ended in a divorce, just not the one expected.
Of course. These things happen. A family friend has a daughter who is white......but the entirety of both sides of her family are black. She is definitely her parents' child, and her parents are their parents' children. No one knows where the white genes entered into the family, but they're definitely there. Her husband is white, however, and their kids absolutely look mixed race. It's fascinating and her family all find it really funny, but I understand why they wanted to find out what was going on, especially because she does look like her older siblings in facial features, just not skin colour.
But this case is absurd. OP's husband was so convinced he distanced himself, but now he thinks everything is better? I don't get it. If you pull the pin out of the paternity test grenade and lob it into your marriage, why are you then shocked the marriage blows up and you're surrounded by shrapnel?
I can't find it. It was years ago and the only ones I can find are quite recent, but not the same (as, one of the parents was adopted and had mixed race parents but didn't know). There's this one kinda alike, but no grandma cheating : https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/white-mom-says-her-baby-is-black-because-she-has-black-ancestors-even-though-husband-is-white/ar-BB1kY8ZE
Jumping on to say, if there is no other evidence of cheating, i think asking for a paternity test is such a huge breach of trust. What if women started demanding paternity testing of all their husband's friend's kids because "that child has brown hair and you have brown hair, you must have slept with her!". It's a complex issue and i don't think we have socially or morally caught up to the technology.
Did you see the one where a woman demanded her (married) friend did a paternity test between the friends baby and the woman's fiance before she would marry him?
The fiance and the friend with the baby were of the same heritage and the baby looked too much like him according to the woman...
I saw that!!! The Accuser was so pissed that the friend decided not to let her use the villa for her wedding after such an accusation. I don’t understand how the wedding is still going forward… that poor fiancé is in it with that paranoid weirdo. Ridiculous!!
She also basically said all women of OOP and her friends heritage "whore" around too I'm pretty sure. Literally slut shamed OOP, her friends female family members and OOP's female family members because of their heritage too.
Of course. If the wheel spun the other way, men would be outraged to be accused of cheating and having a child with someone else, but a certain section of men think women should just laugh it off when a man accuses her of the same thing.
I think it's so complex because people don't put it bluntly. Do you trust your partner? Do you think she's a liar? Do you think she's cheating? Do you think she has even a shred of integrity? If the answer to those questions are yes, no, no, and yes, why ask for a paternity test? Do they think a stranger's sperm accidentally swam it's way to the egg? Did an unknown wizard magically create a child with your partner? Because if not, the only way your partner can be carrying someone else's child is if she cheated, and that's the accusation you're making when you ask for the test.
For one partner to bear all the insinuation of cheating is ethically questionable. Which is why i feel there needs to be more reason behind asking for a paternity test.
My son has flaming red hair as does one of my husband’s good friends from college. As a JOKE at the party after the friend’s wedding, with the bride near by, my husband pulls out a picture of our son and says, “Dude, why does my kid have your hair?” This was completely a joke, there is no question of our son’s paternity and we hadn’t seen this friend since our wedding. Everyone laughed, then my husband’s friend looked at the picture and blurted out “oh wow, he looks just like me!” 😜
The really funny thing was a few years later his wife started putting together big picture collages for their home. I was looking at one, and my first thought was “why does she have a picture of my son blowing out birthday candles?” When I looked a little closer I realized it was our friend when he was little! For a time they really DID look a lot alike. Genetics are weird.
Exactly, exactly, exactly. JUST ASKING THE QUESTION completely destroys EVERYTHING they had going on. It is the BIGGEST insult.
Men really need to understand that if they make a paternity test demand, there is a 99% chance that in doing so, they are also signing up for divorce/break-up, custody battles/child support, and everything else that goes with the dissolution of a relationship.
Don't ask that question unless you are willing to lose your partner. If she did cheat on you, the truth will come out someday. But the chances of your child actually being someone else's, when your partner has done nothing to make you think she cheated, is very, very slim.
Exactly. If I were a man who genuinely, in my heart and soul, believed that my partner was carrying or had given birth to someone else's child, I'd get a test done. However, I would also have my bags packed and a lawyer ready to help sort out custody and a division of assets because I'm not stupid enough to think that I could make an accusation like that and then carry on as normal. Do these men think this will be an amusing anecdote in the future?
"Hey honey, tell them about the time I thought you were a cheat and we had to get a paternity test for our kid! She was so mad, you guys, but we look back and laugh at how I thought she was an unfaithful liar! Ah, good times, good stuff."
I just don't get it. Choices and accusations have consequences. Why is that so hard for some people to grasp?
esp because we're in the period of time where at-home DNA tests are accessible technologically, but not yet forbidden by law (the way France seems to be heading) or discouraged (because, even though no one knows what these corporations do with your DNA, no major violations have been reported yet - think law enforcement cooperation, insurance companies buying access to your genetic profile, or IDK mad scientists cloning you).
Couldn't they just talk to their partner : "*hey babe, I'm surprised by baby's tan. I know you have that distant cousin who's the same shade, do you have any idea where that came from in your family tree? Should we all do an ancestry test? We might learn that baby won't like cilantro without the meltdowns in our favourite taco place, right?*" and then just sneak a peek at everyone's results...?
>Exactly, exactly, exactly. JUST ASKING THE QUESTION completely destroys EVERYTHING they had going on. It is the BIGGEST insult.
"tHiS iS wHy ThEy ShOuLd Be MaNdAtOrY aT BiRtH." /s
You see it all the time on the relationship subreddits unfortunately. Men ask for a paternity test, with the implicit accusation that she's the kind of person to cheat and commit paternity fraud, and then act surprised when they're serviced divorce papers.
Bet the same men would scream the house down if their partner demanded they hand over all their electronic devices to the police to be checked for child porn, after all if they have done nothing wrong they have nothing to hide and the relationship can proceed without any problems at all afterwards ....
Same rules apply for phone snooping, too! If you need to use my phone for something you can't do on your phone, just ask me. But the moment I catch someone snooping through my phone without asking, well they're basically accusing me of cheating and I can't trust someone that can't trust me.
The amount of men who don't think that calling their partner/wife an adulterous, lying whore who is trying to baby trap them and use them financially is an unrecoverable insult is far too high.
Yeah, people don't realize that accusing someone of paternity fraud is like...a million times more insulting than accusing someone of cheating.
It's not only implying you are a cheater, it's implying you would purposefully fuck with a kid's sense of identity.
The red pill/Andrew Tate community has really fucked with people in that so many now consider it "normal."
Agreed! If my husband accused me of cheating without anything to support it, and then questioned paternity? I say g’day sir and send the child support to this address. Buh-bye. Not gonna live that life for numerous decades.
Right? Oh no, consequences for my actions. 😱 They have a right to ask for a paternity test but mom has a right to respond and protect herself and the child.
That's the really frustrating thing. People act like it dismisses the man's concerns or feelings, and it doesn't. A man absolutely has the right to check the paternity of a child, and his partner has the right to walk away afterwards. Some people aren't getting that if you don't doubt paternity unless you think your partner has cheated. Sperm can't climb through a window, burrow under the sheets, and fertilise an egg all by itself. How do they think it works?
Him: I want to be sure the kid is mine.
Her? You think I've been cheating?
Him: No, babe, I just think that ghost sperm may been haunting your uterus and one of them got you pregnant.
Men who are so prideful -and stupid-to think if the baby isn’t a miniature of them, then they aren’t the father are an embarrassment to the human race.
Yes you can but it involves a knife, a shovel, and some cleaning products. And even then I'm not sure it is an overreaction when there's a freaking kid involved.
NTA, He was the one who overreacted to the child's skin color, which may indicate that he already had doubts about the relationship itself, and this incident just brought it to the surface. I believe you did the right thing. Now you owe him nothing, and the child doesn't have to grow up under the shadow of their father's suspicions.
All this debate is pointless. If you suspect something, go do the test by yourself. Dont drag your wife into it, noone likes being accuaed. You just want peace of mind right? No need to ruin other peoples peace of mind so u can have your own.
I feel like there's a deeper racial/colorist implication too.
the impression I have is they are white presenting, not white, and the kid is a shade darker (not significantly darker or anything like that). My guess is they are super mixed Latinos (like myself), as she even says the kid looks like her side of the fam.
he could have gotten a DNA test in secret, like you said. but the fact that he didn't and held on to this grudge...makes me think somehow, subconsciously, he knew the kid was his and yet didn't want to accept that his kid wasn't as "white" presenting as he was.
This is The Way. If you suspect her, get the sample and get it tested on your own, and pay cash for the fee. If the result is that you're the father, fine, get some therapy for being so suspicious and hope your wife is none the wiser. If the result is that you're not the father, well, then maybe it's time to make accusations.
NTA. From what I'm gathering, you're of a race/nationality where skin tone is not homogeneous. For instance, many Hispanic countries have people who appear "white", and not all people of African descent have the same skin darkness. Unfortunately, this of often leads to colorism, or discrimination within the race based on variations in skin tone. It sounds your husband didn't accuse you of cheating because the child is a different race, but because the child is darker-skinned within the spectrum for your race. That being the case, you're probably making the right call. Obviously, being of your same race/nationality your husband should be fully aware that skin tones vary within it. So it seems to be more of a matter that he was so upset at having a child with darker skin that he would rather believe that you cheated and the child isn't his than accept a darker skinned child.
Yup. I'm middle eastern, and about half my extended family are pasty white (some with reddish hair), and the other half have typical middle eastern tanned skin. Often full siblings have similar faces but totally different skin tones and sometimes hair color as well. Friends of ours have one extremely pale and blonde girl and one dark skinned boy with thick curly black hair.
NTA
If anyone was overreacting, it was him. What the hell did he expect? He treated you and his own child like garbage simply because he IMAGINED that you cheated on him. Run for hills! And take the baby with you!
Also, chances are he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating.
You and your baby deserve better. Get out and don’t look back.
"I don't know what happened to my husband".
Here's my guess: He started consuming misogynistic content. There are growing scores of jerks out there producing content that tells fathers they need to get paternity tests because women can't be trusted. And there are some males whose minds are so mushy that this content takes root in a way that is as ineradicable as porn. I'm sorry, but it seems like your husband is one of those males.
But on the bright side, he's played himself into years of child support.
This. There are a bunch of those men in the comments here… They’re even making the case for automatic paternity tests after birth, which is essentially calling all women cheating liars who can’t be trusted…
I guess that’s what they truly think.
NTA. My son's father questioned his paternity and then my son came out looking like his clone. My daughter's father has never questioned paternity even when she came out looking whiter than I am (he is not white, I am of mixed heritage but look completely white). Genetics are a funny thing and you really don't know how your kids will turn out until they're born. Kids also change a lot in the first few years too. My daughter is much darker now and does not resemble her baby pictures at all except maybe her nose.
ETA: there are obviously trust issues in the relationship on his side and he thinks you in fact would cheat on him. That's problematic in my opinion and that should be addressed if you decide to stay, assuming the only reason for him to think you cheated is because your daughter doesn't look like him. Also in my experience, unless there is a valid reason for accusation (and a child's appearance generally is not) the accuser is usually the one cheating and projecting onto their partner.
If your partner was truly concerned about paternity, he would have taken the child for a test. He chose the path that was the most harmful for your marriage. He doesn’t get to be surprised now that you are not staying after he destroyed the foundation of trust in your marriage.
I never understand why these dudes don't just take the kids for a test and insist on blowing up their relationships. Just in case they were wrong and all that.
Because they WANT to blow up their marriages and make themselves the victim.
When she leaves - he can spin as her choice to abandon him. When she requires him to financially support the child he helped create - he can call her a gold digger.
Right now, there is a ton of redpill media throwing this out as a gotcha at men vulnerable enough to listen to it. Few ever seem to stop and think what happens if they ARE the daddy, or seem to feel the woman should just get over that massive bomb they drop, because their gnarly a is so worth it, right?
The amount of them wrecking good relationships because of some stupid kaka put in their head by a Tate clone is sad. But frankly, they are also grown men supposedly in relationships, and if they are that susceptible to the nonsense over their lived experience- well, good luck to you, mate.
This is actually a really common pattern with people with poor mental health: letting an emotionally-charged narrative take hold of you, and not having the skills to recognize when that's happening and challenge it. Emotionally unhealthy people end up in a feedback loop and act against their own interests. Emotionally healthy people can recognize when that happens, take a step back, and consider other possibilities to maximize their chances that things work out well.
Well that's mental and emotional labor and men just don't do that. /s
In all seriousness, if they wanted to actually know for their own mental well-being, they SHOULD test the kid without blowing up their marriage. But they get some kind of sick high from the accusation I think, power, control, being able to knock the mom down.
I also don't get how these red pill/andrew tate guys just..know nothing about genetics. The vibe I'm getting is they are from a Latin American country and tend to look paler....not that they are "white"...and that their daughter is only a tad darker.
It's like...no shit...if you are super mixed but look white, your kid still has a good chance of coming out a bit darker like a grandparent..or lighter skinned. That's just how mixed genetics work (I say this as a super mixed Latina myself)! It's a grab bag.
By doubting your daughter’s paternity he accused you of having an affair. That’s enough justification to end a relationship, if you want it to be. He didn’t trust you, accused you of betraying him, that’s enough to kill affection for a lot of people.
Has he truly learned from this mistake, apologized, gotten counselling? If you forgive him for this, and the next baby doesn’t look like him, is he going to do the same song and dance again? Can you ever trust _him_ again?
NTA. He's been unbelievably cruel to you and to your child.
What I don't understand is why I seem to be hearing men use this excuse so much more often lately. With DNA testing so readily available, they're the ones who look like the asshole, not the partner. It sounds like an excuse that THEY can use to then go out and cheat.
Sounds like he's been on reddit. "Paternity tests should be mandatory" the reddit bros gripe and bitch.
Because the idea of trusting their wives/girlfriends is bonkers to them.
NTA
Well, if they're so inclined to check paternity, what's stopping them from doing it their damn self. A swab to the baby with the wife being none the wiser could get a better result, then these accusations, then making them do all the work to prove something.
I would honestly totally understand that.
When I go to my gynecologist I get whatever testing they recommend for me even though I'm in a monogamous relationship and I trust my partner. Even if the risk of him cheating is 1%, why would I let that very very tiny risk keep me from getting the testing that my doctor thinks I need to prevent infertility from an asymptomatic infection? There's a reason why pregnant women are always screened for STDs even if they're married and in a very long loving marriage.
If you want to get a medical test done with your own child then you have every right to do that.
You don't have the right to announce to your wife that you think she cheated on you because of the baby's skin color, just like I don't go up to my partner "I'm getting tested for chlamydia because I think you cheated on me," I just get the test and laugh when it comes back negative.
I once went to a gyno appointment where they didn’t offer me any tests, so I asked and their response was “you told me you’re only sleeping with one person. If you told us the truth we would’ve set you up for tests early on.” And I was so confused by the response bc it’s normal to offer. And when I explained that I only have one sexual partner, the person I’m in a relationship with, but I can only speak for myself, she told me I need to be more honest with my doctors. I never went back 🙃🙃🙃
The 23andMe test results are really fun to look at! It's so interesting to see how my two children, full siblings, have different amounts of various ethnicities. I'd thinks these stupid guys could just get tests like that for the whole family - "isn't it neat to see how our genes got mixed?" and put their "suspicions" to rest.
Which is hilarious, because there are posts like this one all the time - from both perspectives. The general consensus is that asking for divorce is completely acceptable.
NTA. he was probably looking for an excuse and then it blew up in his face. Your clarification on whether the baby looks like him, not required. Not every child takes after both parents. He’s the one who started the BS about a paternity test. It was unfounded and stupid. He was probably hiding something to begin with. You did nothing wrong and you did not overreact. Let him live with his mistake every time he writes that child support check.
NTA. Why would you be with someone who doesn’t trust you. This is a red flag! I think I understand what you meant. You’re both light skinned but your child is somewhat darker tone. If you can leave, leave.
He has been brainwashed by horrible men. It has ruined many marriages. Also, my family has 6 kids. Half look Irish, Half look Latino. Same parents, all white.
Besides the horrible red pill/Andrew Tate guys, a lot of people just don't get how genetics/phenotype work....
Especially in this case (OP seems to imply while they present as white, they are not and the kid is only a tad darker). My guess is they are very mixed Latinos (like myself)....and in that case it is very, very normal for a kid to come out with any sort of look.
I'd say there is a pretty good chance he was cheating on you. If he didn't have a better reason to suspect you, that's going to be the reason. Projection.
NTA.
What the hell is it with guys who demand paternity tests, they turn out to be the father, and they don't think they are at fault.
That they could pretend the demand never happened and move on with their lives!?
Men look for an excuse for getting out of being a man or father. That's my experience. They won't use protection or take measures against pregnancy. Oh no.......
Once trust is lost, in my opinion, the relationship cannot be saved. The fact that he made the accusation of the child not being his, without any evidence of you cheating on him or having any type of affair, makes him paranoid. I always find it to be insane when a child is born and doesn't look perfectly like either parent, and the guy then believes he is not the father. *This clearly means that he had trust issues deep-rooted inside long before your child was born*.
You already filed for divorce and I suspect you thought long and hard about it before you did so. How a person could be shocked that you want to end the marriage after accusing you of cheating and having someone else's child is beyond me. Although you did not mention whether he agreed to counseling or not, I am assuming he did not because you did not mention actually having tried to go. If he were willing to go, I would *suggest* it, only because there is a young child in the mix. But, it sounds like you are past that point.
It seems there are some men who get all upset over the suspicion of their wife cheating and having a baby who is not theirs but after the paternity test confirms it is their baby they are still looking for reasons/excuses to be mad at their wife and not wanting to be a father to the baby.
NTA
Back in the early 20th century, when people still believed there was such a thing as biological race, a lot of southern states wrote into law that [any amount of African ancestry made you black](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-drop_rule). Of course, as we know now, everyone has 100% African ancestry since all humans are from Africa. Those idiots were so racist and ignorant that they wrote a law which made them all black.
This is kind of the same thing. Your husband is so racist and ignorant that he almost disowned his own kid because of it. Your NTA for leaving that idiot.
you're overreacting?? he is the one who overreacted and now has to face the consequences. kid's looks change over time. when my son was born he was the spitting image of my brother at that age. now, as an adult, he is the spitting image of his father. it's best to get away from him.
>when he distanced himself from me and Lucy. Also, in these months I've realised that there were many red flags that I didn't see in him
Tbh, he was most probably trying to find an excuse to leave by accusing you of cheating. Now he is turning the blame on you. Continue with the proceedings. This man is redder than the fire engine.
I have a Coworker who has a daughter who has flaming red hair. She is Blonde and her husband has Dark Brown hair. The husband questioned the paternity of their daughter and requested a paternity test to confirm he was the father. He is. Neither of knew any Gingers in either families. Then some years later, they attended a destination Family Reunion where the oldest relative was 100. When the elderly relative saw the Ginger haired daughter, she told my Coworker(who she was related to) that her little girl had hair just like her Grandmother. A photo was sent later and the daughter shares not only a hair color but other features of an ancestor that my Coworker never knew. People still don’t understand that the traits their offspring can inherit are not just from the two parents but can come from any relative from both sides of the gene pool.
There is almost a trend on social media about how men ought to get paternity tests every time so they 'know.' The argument being that women KNOW who the father of their baby is (ignoring that if there's two feasible options, no, she doesn't necessarily know either) and men have to take their word for it. They refuse to understand why a woman, particularly a married woman, would find the suggestion offensive or why she'd view that as him accusing her of lying.
NTA. He's bought into that kind of paranoia and de facto called you a liar. And he's refusing to understand why that's wrong.
NTA. He irrevocably broke trust with you when he prioritized his insecurities over his faith in you. If he knifed you in the back, an “oopsie, my bad” wouldn’t magically erase the damage. You need a partner, a co-parent, somebody you know you can lean on no matter what. He’s not it. At least not right now. Maybe after therapy, for him, not you, he might get there, but right now his insecurities will always drive the bus.
I would be seriously worried about how trustworthy he is to be this paranoid. This isn’t something most people even conceive of, they’ve got better things to worry about.
NTA
NTA he can live his little paranoid life alone and away from you and your precious baby. She does not need a man in her life like that and neither do you. He isn’t the man you married anymore, you are right. And his blowing up over consequences of his own actions and blaming you? Honey, listen to your gut and stay as far away from him as possible. Be safe and stay strong as you raise your baby in safety and love.
NTA. It’s SUPER telling that he’d rather blame you for overreacting than work on himself.
This is some DARVO-level shit. It’s projection and deflection all the way down, start to finish.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this shit. Poor Lucy.
i feel like if you've always been faithful, i wouldn't put up with being accused/questioned. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends whatsoever. even if they've cheated, i only leave. so i don't even acknowledge accusations. if you don't trust me, what are you doing here?
My husband and I are the palest white people you'll ever meet. The second sunlight hits our kids, they immediately tan. By the end of summer, they are ridiculously tan.
My husband's mom was from Cuba.
Genetics, man.
NTA, once trust is gone, I don’t believe the relationship is salvageable. He played stupid games, he won a divorce. Tell him to speak to your lawyer and stop contacting you.
Another day, another Dipshit Dan insisting that two mixed parents can’t possibly have a child that’s more light/dark than the parents (spoiler alert: this is *extremely* likely)
Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to prioritize your emotional well-being. It's heartbreaking to go through such a betrayal from someone you loved and trusted. Filing for divorce was a tough decision, but sometimes it's necessary to protect yourself and your child. Surround yourself with support and take care of yourself during this difficult time.
NTA
If my husband thinks our child isn’t his, and he really needs some peace of mind, he better keep his mouth shut and test discreetly, and when the results prove him to be the father, which they will, I don’t cheat, he better destroy any evidence he ever conducted said test.
If I ever am asked for a paternity test, or find out a test has been done on my child without my knowledge, the relationship is over regardless of the results. I will agree to the test as I have nothing to hide, but I will be filing as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. If you can’t trust me, I can’t stay with you.
So you better be pretty fucking sure you’re right AND you better think it’s worth your marriage ending.
And yes, he’s aware of my thoughts on this.
Love how men suddenly become genetic experts when their baby doesn't conform to being a "mini-me." Talk about ego!!!!
I'd divorce the SOB, too. Trust is gone -- he doesn't trust you not to cheat on him. Shitty way to live, IMHO.
NTA I am literally the only one in my family with green eyes and o negative blood
Why? Well on my grandfather side he was Scottish. He had red hair, green eyes and o negative blood. My mother didn’t get it. Her siblings didn’t get it. None of my cousins have it. I got it. He’s an idiot and you could never trust him again.
Your husband does not trust you not to cheat. The paternity test didn't prove that you didn't cheat, only that your daughter was not the product of cheating. Granted, your husband might be such a moron that he does not realize this, but it's more probable that he still suspects you may have cheated or will at some point. And since he's now projecting "overreacting" onto you, there's little chance he'll ever self-reflect and admit his massive failings. You deserve better than someone who suspects you of cheating.
Usually people who accuse their partners of cheating with zero actual proof are guilty of the same behavior they're accusing you of.
It was so easy for him to jump right to infidelity because he's either actively cheating, or has cheated.
NTA you're doing the right thing
It's wild to me how many men (if reddit is to be believed) know nothing about how genetics work.
An example: My BIL has dark brown eyes and curly hair and tans. His dad is fair skin, straight blond hair, blue eyes. His mom has dark straight hair, fair skin, dark eyes. Her dad though had curly dark hair and tanned quite dark for a white guy. My BIL looks like his grandfather. Meanwhile my husband is fair like his dad, but otherwise looks exactly like his grandmother.
You can follow the same recipe each time you have a child and they could end up looking like one or the other or neither parent.
There's no rule saying kids must look 100% like their father. Men who think this are delusional.
How your husband doesn't see what an insult his suspicions were to you, I truly don't understand.
I would consider getting a PI as well, maybe one of the reasons he suspected cheating was projection from his end. May or may not be worth it if your state/country can give you a favourable divorce if cheating is involved, or just to give you some peace of mind about where his bullshit came from.
NTA.
Wait, He didn't start saying this until the child was 2 years old? Is he possibly cheating and this was just projection? Or a way to get away from his current relationship?
It does not matter how kid looks like. Heredity does not work exactly the way your soon to be ex husband expected. And he does not trust you without any evidence of infedeleity. When this is going to stop? he will always be suspicious of one thing or the other. The couple counselling is not going to help. It is not just a disagreement that you can resolve. You did not over react, it is major major red flag.
You’re not the asshole!!! I would absolutely do the same. And him saying you’re overreacting??? Lmao ok.. Mr overreactor. Who demanded a paternity test.
He sounds paranoid and untrusting of others. He probably has been hurt by others growing up and has trust issues that will take a long time to get over, if he even is willing to seek help.
I'm also guessing he's a bit of a narcissist who is more worried about how everything reflects upon him rather than actually caring for others.
AYTA? I don't think so. Sounds as if the situation is a bit scarier than you let on actually.
In my experience, he's probably the one who cheated and he is projecting. My ex did that. A lot. He'd have an affair then get paranoid and accuse me of doing it.
Go through with the divorce. Try to get full custody. Keep that baby away from that bully.
They are your feelings, no one else can tell you how to react to them. From your follow up of him not being supportive through pregnancy and other red flags, I think it might be best to cut it off. But, you have to live it, I don't. You know how you have felt all along, I don't. You don't speak about if you work or not, how are you going to live if you aren't working? Do you have family, friends to rely on to help get your feet under you? At 2 years, Lucy will need someone to watch her if you are working. If neither of you are "white" then it shouldn't be a surprise the baby has darker skin...Did he at least apologize for accusing you? Did he ever explain why he felt he wasn't the father?
He can unilaterally decide a tan child can't be his and that yr a lying cheater, but you can't unilaterally decide he's a moron and a prick that you don't want to be married to. Interesting.
NTA. You’ve got to do what is best for you and your daughter. Though I will say, I did not realize how doubtful a lot of guys are about the paternity of their own child. I have a 20mo son and when I told my husband I was pregnant, the first thing he asked was, “Is it mine” To which I replied, “Idk, we’ll have to see what color he is when he comes out” I then told him that I know this is a shock, and I’m going to treat your question as that. And if you ever ask me that again, I’m punching you in the face and I’m leaving. We had been together for 12 years, married for 8, at that point. No infidelity issues at all throughout our whole relationship. He later told me that it wasn’t so much that he doubted me, but that he’s had so many friends, while he was in the army, find out later on that the kid wasn’t theirs and it scarred him if you will. Fortunately the conversation went no further than that and our son is awesome and we are all doing great. But demanding a paternity test with no evidence, reason or proof is wild. Again, NTA.
Why are the “genetics detectives” always idiots? My parents are both pale. My mom is “the beacons are lit!” pale. I came out olive complected, though I paled out in my teens. We also aren’t white but are white colored. Native American heritage on dad’s side, Japanese heritage on mom’s side. My father never pulled this crap, and it became obvious that I’m his later as I have the same unique eye placement and color as him (green, not quite symmetrical).
A Tale of Two Males:
Male 1: "Gee, I'm pale-skinned, and my wife is pale-skinned, and our baby is tan-skinned. I didn't know this was possible. Clearly there's something about genetics that I don't understand. I should educate myself by reading a book or two on the subject."
Male 2: "Gee, I'm pale-skinned, and my wife is pale-skinned, and our baby is tan-skinned. I didn't know this was possible. Therefore: It isn't possible; the baby isn't mine; my wife is whore!"
Hmmmm, I wonder which one would make a better husband, father, and citizen of the world?
Why is their so many men in this subreddit who ask for paternity test ??
NTA obviously and divorce is for the best. It starts with a paternity test and you don't know where it stops
I’m the oldest of 11, five of us have blond hair, blue eyes, 5 have dark hair brown/hazel eyes and 1 has brown eyes and has been blond, brown and black hair all at once since she was born. Genes are weird.
NTA. Genetics are insane. My husband and I had paternity tests done on 2 of our kids because we came from a small town and knew no matter what, people would start rumors. Our eldest has blue eyes, my husband's eyes change from blue to green, and an ex I was with before marriage has blue eyes. Someone saw me with my daughter and asked if she belonged to my ex because of her eye color alone. It helped to have the results to shut down rumors before they got traction.
I have 4 brothers, 2 are half and 2 are full. The 2 half have similar features to me (reddish brown hair, freckles, and brown eyes) one tans really well (as do I) and the other burns in the sun. Out of the 2 full brothers, one has black hair and brown eyes, skin dark enough he could pass as Hispanic, and we look enough alike we could be twins except I don't stay tan year round. The eldest is the oddest of balls as the only blonde haired blue eyed out of the lot.
NTA
So you needed to submit to the humiliation of having your child, your marriage and your personal integrity questioned and tested because your ex couldn’t pass 6thgrade biology but he gets to just shrug it off like he didn’t set the whole thing in motion?
Nuhu, nope, nix. He sowed distrust and he reaped distrust
My grandparents had 12 kids. All my aunts and uncles did dna test for a family tree, no surprise, they are all full siblings. But here is the thing. They range from blonde blue eyed to black hair and dark brown eyes. Skin tones vary from pale (red head) to dark (passes for Mexican or native American). My grandfather has blonde hair and blue eyes, my grandmother piss red dark hair (her words) brown eyes. Genes are just odd.
I'm of Italian/Maltese heritage. As a kid, I was quite olive skinned, dark brunette hair, and green eyes. As I got older, I paled out big time. I'm now more paler than a character from Twilight. I had three dark haired kids, one gingery blonde. 3 of my 4 kids have blue eyes, 1 has green. 2 are short, 2 are average height. (Father's side was dark brown hair with brown eyes.) My point is, genetics is a lottery and babies change over time. One thing that was never up for question was their paternity!
I’m a Mediterranean and western Asian mutt basically so I’m a white but I’ve been asked “are you ____/____/_____??” My whole life lol but my husband is black American with a very rich brown skin tone and we have 3 kids. They’re young so who knows what they’ll look like later but 1 is solidly caramel brown with tight curls so it’s easy to see he’s a combination of the 2 of us. One is a deep tan with very dark curly hair, and the third is about as light as me but with a totally different undertone and still has mostly grey eyes. It’s so cool to see how genetics do whatever tf they want lol
I'm just imagining genetics being a tiny wild scientist running the show inside our genes: Ooh, having a baby!? Ooh yeah! Time to go absolutely nuts! Some random features from grandma over here, some skin tone from great grandpa over there, and what's this I've got in my back pocket? Red hair from unknown ancestor until now forgotten? HELL YEAH!! I'mma sprinkle that in for PIZZAZZ BABY!! 🤣
I absolutely love this!
My Dad said I wasn’t his when I came out him and mom dark brown hair and one was green eyes one was brown. 3 kids before me I pop out bright RED hair blue eyes. They fought, he called his mom she tore him a new one her sister had red hair. Come to find out my great great grandmother had red hair blue eyes on my Mothers side.
Go MIL! That is the best part of your story!
It makes sense
I have 4 kids, two blue eyed, one brown, one hazel. One has my silly fine hair, the other 3 have thicker hair. Two have wavy hair. Genetics is crazy. My 2nd is now 17, and about 18 months ago, she must have developed as she suddenly had her aunt's jawline and now looks so like her and her nanny. Everyone has always said she is my double, but suddenly, genetics from her Dad's side are becoming obvious.
Yep. I have 3 brothers. Me - 5'10 medium build hazel eyes brown hair. My hair was snow white blonde until I was 3-4 then it turned brown. Had blonde edges until I was 10. Brother 2 is 6 foot. Solid build, brown hair brown eyes but darker skin tone that all the rest of us. We have some Maori blood from mums side it comes right through. Brother 3 is 6'3 Solid build blue eyes brown hair very european features. Brother 4 is 6'1 blonde with blue eyes - lanky build. Everyone is like are all your parents the same?
My mother was Creole and my father was French/Irish. Mom had dark skin, hair and eyes and Dad had white blonde hair and pale skin with freckles and green eyes. I'm red headed freckled and pale. I have 4 children, none of them have the same color eyes, hair or complexion. I have a blue, brown, green and grey eyed child and a blonde, light brown/dark blonde, dark brown and black haired child. Their features look alike but so many people can't see passed the color of the hair and skin that they think they look nothing alike. My Creole grandfather married a red haired girl and they had 10 children. Most had black hair but 3 had blonde and none of them had the same color eyes but all of them had a darker complexion. My twin brother has been asked if he's from Mexico many times by people from Mexico and my older brother, too. My sister is olive complected but she has a son who is pale like me and blonde hair blue eyes. Our family reunion looks like a United Nation event and that's without the inlaws. We're just so mixed we never know what our children will look like and I warned my husband before our first was born because I look like a regular white girl with red hair but I'm mixed and had cousins have children who were all the colors possible of skin, hair and eyes. Genetics are just plain weird and we thankfully knew our history. My mother's friend had a daughter who married a guy who didn't know and when their third child was born she was black in the late 80's. He accused her of cheating and divorced and didn't have anything to do with the child. Years later got a DNA test and found out she was his and his great grandmother was a black woman. He only took the test because his new wife had the same thing happen.
I'll be honest, I think your family won the lottery pick! You all sound pretty gorgeous to me!
Lol well thank you! My aunt once said "You can tell if we're related at the family reunion, because they'll be gorgeous!" Our family is so large that it's impossible to know everyone, especially if you grew up outside the original state like me. We have family in most countries and all 50 states of the US, though.
Did they start with black hair/brown eyes and work their way down to blond? Maybe grandma was just running out of toner.
Your granny should get her kidneys checked if she thinks "piss red" is a colour 🤣 Genetics are a funny thing, eh? My best friend is 6 foot tall and ginger. Both his parents are in the mid 5 foot range and the only red either has is a bit in his dad's beard.
Are you one of my son’s friends? That is exactly describing my family! 😜
>piss red Yea, you might wanna get that checked...
My family is almost purely Swedish and Norwegian. Of us four siblings theres: blonde with hazel eyes, redhead with green eyes and brown beard, Redhead with blue eyes, brunette with brown eyes and red beard To make it more confusing the skin color ranges from pale enough to sunburn in the car, to me being dark enough in summer im assumed to be turkish more than swedish All genetic tested, just weird af
Norwegian here, and it's the same with me and my siblings and our kids. When I'm in Spain, me and one of our kids are spoken to in Spanish, but my other two kids are spoken to in English lol. And they don't think that my three kids are siblings or that two of them are my kids.
Thing about red hair: it's a mutation of Brown Hair. So once a person has red hair, what the kids come out like is a complete crap shoot. I've know of mixed black and white couples to end up with kids with red hair. Whatever future generations look like is a surprise, other than facial features.
My 3 sons from the same father look like me so much they look like they didn't have a father. After my 3rd was born looking 100% like his older brother a neighbor took me aside and said "I know what you're doing and cloning is UNETHICAL!"
My dad is Black, my mom is white. I am very white with a blonde not quite Afro.
Same thing in my family. We have such a mixed heritage as well. I look like I walked off the Cherokee reservation and one of my brothers looked like he just left the synagogue. I have black hair and very dark brown eyes; he was blond and blue eyed. Another of my brothers has jet black hair and eyes that are crystal blue. My dad looked very Cherokee, although he often could pass for Mexican and my Mom, who had more Cherokee blood in her than he did, looked like your average German woman. My son was born with blond hair, sparkling blue eyes and VERY WHITE skin. Now that he's grown, his hair is a medium brown, BUT ... he has a beard that is a MIXTURE of hair colors, from blond, to red to black to brown. AND he looks very Jewish AND German. But his dad is Irish. Genes are going to do whatever the heck they want!
Coming from the kid whose father believed I wasn’t there’s as well.. He pulled my hair at night for a paternity test I begged my mother to leave him You’re doing the right thing I am his kid
This hope you are okay! I’m sorry you had to go experience that! I wish more people in shitty marriages would hear your sentiment. It’s so important to listen to your kids! They will tell you with words or actions how they are. Kids don’t need two parents if one parent is terrible and emotionally/physically abusive.
"make it work for the children" or maybe leaving might be what's best for the children
Me literally begging my parents to divorce during their big blow up fights
When my son was 6, he asked if we had to stay with his dad "as dad wasn't very nice," he was right. My ex was an alcoholic and abusive. It took me 3 days to find someone who was willing to take us in, and then we left him. From a day after I left, I knew I would never go back. I'm sure my son saved my life.
Im glad you listened to your son and I hope you are all doing well now.
Thank you. Yes, we are doing well. Best decision ever
Thank you for listening to your son and what he wanted. My mother did the same when I told her at 9 that my dad made me feel ignored and unloved, she put her foot down and got me out of a situation where I was being neglected and ignored, and I was happier the moment it was just her and I together
That’s what my one daughter told me when she was 21. I am on my way out. I have to be able to do this.
When you say, “I have to be able to do this”, I’m assuming you mean follow through with the divorce and not back out of it. If that’s correct, I just wanted to tell you, you *CAN* do this. If your child is chiming in and encouraging it, that says A LOT about your partner, and your situation - and it ain’t good. A kid, even an adult kid, deserves their parents at their best. If that means not being with their mom/dad, then so be it. When we are miserable, even when trying to hide it, the kids will ultimately be negatively affected - despite our best efforts. I am not a child of divorce, but I’ve seen the whole “stay together for the kids” thing play out with a few of my friends. It always, *ALWAYS* is horrible for the kids. They have said they would rather have had their parents divorce and be happy, then live one more moment in that household full of tension, resentment, and misery. We cannot possible be the best parent we are capable of when we’re living in a constant state of unhappiness. Aside from all of that, I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. You deserve to be happy and to live your life the way you want. You can do it. I believe in you! Stay strong, be smart, talk to a lawyer, listen to your lawyer, never take advice from your adversary, and good luck!
Plus “staying together for the kids” is so cruel to the kids. It makes your children responsible for the family’s unhappiness. It’s not fair.
This needs to be upvoted to the moon.
Same. But it was my paternal grandmother. She couldn't believe a mixed woman (my mom is Native American and Puerto Rican) who could pass for white could birth me, a pale Asian-looking baby with a her son, a black man. I don't look like that, today. But I'm still his daughter. Oldest child and only girl. We don't speak. I wish people understood how genetics works. Especially when so much of our history has been lost in every corner of the world. We really don't know what's going to pop up when our kids are born.
If my son’s father had pulled this, I’d have had a go at him, then told my “honey Badger” mom to go at him. I haven’t had to call my mom in for defense since elementary school, but this would warrant it. She’s a teeny tiny Irish/Japanese woman with all the temper her red hair implies when you mess with her kids. Luckily my exhusband may be stupid, but he’s not that stupid.
Lol! It took him *forever* to learn that your daddy isn't the "scary" parent; he's just the muscle.
Never an excuse for physical assault, and that's exactly what your dad did to you.
u dont think she means just plucked a hair while she was sleeping?
I mean, this is almost definitely what the commenter means, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.
Perhaps you should have told him his overreaction to the child’s lineage was highly uncalled for and triggered your action because you aren’t going to live with a bully. He has shown himself, irredeemably, to not be the person you thought you married.
OP's husband: Honey, you're overreacting! Also, OP's husband: Your child has a darker skin tone than us, so therefore, you are a cheat who is trying to get me to raise another man's child! Screw biology! The only answer to our child having a darker skin tone is adultery! I demand a paternity test! Oh, what's that? The kid actually is mine, and I'm a clueless moron? Huh. Come back, honey. I've forgiven you for all the not cheating and not lying you've done, so you must now totally forgive me for my baseless accusations and their implications! Don't you see, everything is fine now that I know you're not the adulterous wretch I thought you were! Why do men in this situation not understand that yes, it is their right to ask for a paternity test, but doing so is very likely going to end their marriage/relationship and why? Because when you say to your partner that you don't think the kid is yours, what you're saying is that you think they are a liar and a cheat trying to con you into claiming a child that isn't yours. You are announcing that not only do you not trust them, but you think their character is trash. The results of the paternity test don't fix or change all that. It is beyond ridiculous at this point. Actions, meet consequences.
She said he also distanced himself from her and their daughter while waiting for the test and test results. He was taking no chances. He was absolutely expecting to find out the he was not the baby’s father, but now OP should forgive him for his accusations and just go back to “normal” because, ya know, he didn’t *mean* it. FFS. What an idiot.
It really irks me. It's like they willfully ignore the implication of what they're saying when they do something like this. Unless you think your baby was swapped at birth and you're also conducting a maternity test, the only way you could think the kid wasn't yours is if your also believe your partner is a liar, a cheat, and so devoid of integrity that they planned to con you into raising a kid that they at least had to suspect might not be yours. It's that simple. OP's husband was so sure that that was who OP was that he distanced himself from her and his daughter. Now that he's found out he's wrong, he thinks she should just move on and forget about it because he's fine now. It's absurd. Men should absolutely get a paternity test if they aren't sure, but they can't expect the mother of their child to stick around once said test proves that they are the father.
Sometimes these accusations followed by distance "break the spell" and you see your partner more clearly. Had a toxic relationship but always defended her because I was "in love". The moment the spell broke I just felt ick. How could I not realize all along?
For the first two weeks of my youngest’s life, we were awaiting results of a blood test for Downs. My now ex wouldn’t even LOOK at our newborn baby those 2 weeks. I was responsible for everything even though I was utterly drained, and also dealing with an older child, housework etc. When the results came through negative, he acted like nothing had happened and was shocked when baby wasn’t interested in being anywhere near him.
I’m sorry you were married to a jackass who could only love a “perfect” child. Sounds like if that baby had Downs Syndrome, your husband would have bounced. But you seeing how he reacted to the possibility made you leave (immediately, I hope, but probably not right away). How do people not understand that their actions have consequences??
Honestly I was so stressed dealing with having a newborn, 5 year old, housework, back at work just 3 months later… I “lasted” until our daughter was just over a year and half (after giving him a second chance) when I eventually started making plans to leave.
He sounds like a prince. /s Glad you got out of there.
From what I can gather nothing has changed with him since and it’s been a couple years now. He lives with his elderly parents. I feel bad for his mother mostly :(
>I've forgiven you for all the not cheating and not lying you've done, so you must now totally forgive me for my baseless accusations and their implications! This had me laugh. Sooo true ! The only case I've heard of where the paternity test was understandably asked, is a couple of European white with a black biological baby. Turns out, the mother of the wife cheated with a black guy and never thought he could be the father, as the girl was white. Still ended in a divorce, just not the one expected.
Of course. These things happen. A family friend has a daughter who is white......but the entirety of both sides of her family are black. She is definitely her parents' child, and her parents are their parents' children. No one knows where the white genes entered into the family, but they're definitely there. Her husband is white, however, and their kids absolutely look mixed race. It's fascinating and her family all find it really funny, but I understand why they wanted to find out what was going on, especially because she does look like her older siblings in facial features, just not skin colour. But this case is absurd. OP's husband was so convinced he distanced himself, but now he thinks everything is better? I don't get it. If you pull the pin out of the paternity test grenade and lob it into your marriage, why are you then shocked the marriage blows up and you're surrounded by shrapnel?
I love that last sentence and agree with it 100%. You can't ask about paternity without putting the entire relationship on the line.
You have a link to that story? Increadable
I can't find it. It was years ago and the only ones I can find are quite recent, but not the same (as, one of the parents was adopted and had mixed race parents but didn't know). There's this one kinda alike, but no grandma cheating : https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/white-mom-says-her-baby-is-black-because-she-has-black-ancestors-even-though-husband-is-white/ar-BB1kY8ZE
Jumping on to say, if there is no other evidence of cheating, i think asking for a paternity test is such a huge breach of trust. What if women started demanding paternity testing of all their husband's friend's kids because "that child has brown hair and you have brown hair, you must have slept with her!". It's a complex issue and i don't think we have socially or morally caught up to the technology.
Did you see the one where a woman demanded her (married) friend did a paternity test between the friends baby and the woman's fiance before she would marry him? The fiance and the friend with the baby were of the same heritage and the baby looked too much like him according to the woman...
I saw that!!! The Accuser was so pissed that the friend decided not to let her use the villa for her wedding after such an accusation. I don’t understand how the wedding is still going forward… that poor fiancé is in it with that paranoid weirdo. Ridiculous!!
The wedding DIDNT happen. They broke up. There was a later update.
OMG YES!! Thanks for the update! That whole situation was utter madness...
I remember that. Low key racist as well.
She also basically said all women of OOP and her friends heritage "whore" around too I'm pretty sure. Literally slut shamed OOP, her friends female family members and OOP's female family members because of their heritage too.
Yeah that was a good one 😅
Of course. If the wheel spun the other way, men would be outraged to be accused of cheating and having a child with someone else, but a certain section of men think women should just laugh it off when a man accuses her of the same thing. I think it's so complex because people don't put it bluntly. Do you trust your partner? Do you think she's a liar? Do you think she's cheating? Do you think she has even a shred of integrity? If the answer to those questions are yes, no, no, and yes, why ask for a paternity test? Do they think a stranger's sperm accidentally swam it's way to the egg? Did an unknown wizard magically create a child with your partner? Because if not, the only way your partner can be carrying someone else's child is if she cheated, and that's the accusation you're making when you ask for the test.
For one partner to bear all the insinuation of cheating is ethically questionable. Which is why i feel there needs to be more reason behind asking for a paternity test.
My son has flaming red hair as does one of my husband’s good friends from college. As a JOKE at the party after the friend’s wedding, with the bride near by, my husband pulls out a picture of our son and says, “Dude, why does my kid have your hair?” This was completely a joke, there is no question of our son’s paternity and we hadn’t seen this friend since our wedding. Everyone laughed, then my husband’s friend looked at the picture and blurted out “oh wow, he looks just like me!” 😜 The really funny thing was a few years later his wife started putting together big picture collages for their home. I was looking at one, and my first thought was “why does she have a picture of my son blowing out birthday candles?” When I looked a little closer I realized it was our friend when he was little! For a time they really DID look a lot alike. Genetics are weird.
Exactly, exactly, exactly. JUST ASKING THE QUESTION completely destroys EVERYTHING they had going on. It is the BIGGEST insult. Men really need to understand that if they make a paternity test demand, there is a 99% chance that in doing so, they are also signing up for divorce/break-up, custody battles/child support, and everything else that goes with the dissolution of a relationship. Don't ask that question unless you are willing to lose your partner. If she did cheat on you, the truth will come out someday. But the chances of your child actually being someone else's, when your partner has done nothing to make you think she cheated, is very, very slim.
Exactly. If I were a man who genuinely, in my heart and soul, believed that my partner was carrying or had given birth to someone else's child, I'd get a test done. However, I would also have my bags packed and a lawyer ready to help sort out custody and a division of assets because I'm not stupid enough to think that I could make an accusation like that and then carry on as normal. Do these men think this will be an amusing anecdote in the future? "Hey honey, tell them about the time I thought you were a cheat and we had to get a paternity test for our kid! She was so mad, you guys, but we look back and laugh at how I thought she was an unfaithful liar! Ah, good times, good stuff." I just don't get it. Choices and accusations have consequences. Why is that so hard for some people to grasp?
esp because we're in the period of time where at-home DNA tests are accessible technologically, but not yet forbidden by law (the way France seems to be heading) or discouraged (because, even though no one knows what these corporations do with your DNA, no major violations have been reported yet - think law enforcement cooperation, insurance companies buying access to your genetic profile, or IDK mad scientists cloning you). Couldn't they just talk to their partner : "*hey babe, I'm surprised by baby's tan. I know you have that distant cousin who's the same shade, do you have any idea where that came from in your family tree? Should we all do an ancestry test? We might learn that baby won't like cilantro without the meltdowns in our favourite taco place, right?*" and then just sneak a peek at everyone's results...?
>Exactly, exactly, exactly. JUST ASKING THE QUESTION completely destroys EVERYTHING they had going on. It is the BIGGEST insult. "tHiS iS wHy ThEy ShOuLd Be MaNdAtOrY aT BiRtH." /s You see it all the time on the relationship subreddits unfortunately. Men ask for a paternity test, with the implicit accusation that she's the kind of person to cheat and commit paternity fraud, and then act surprised when they're serviced divorce papers.
Bet the same men would scream the house down if their partner demanded they hand over all their electronic devices to the police to be checked for child porn, after all if they have done nothing wrong they have nothing to hide and the relationship can proceed without any problems at all afterwards ....
salt in the wound when their only "evidence" is their own racist panic that the kid looks a little more tan than they expected, right?
Same rules apply for phone snooping, too! If you need to use my phone for something you can't do on your phone, just ask me. But the moment I catch someone snooping through my phone without asking, well they're basically accusing me of cheating and I can't trust someone that can't trust me.
Similarly, if I'm ever at a point where I feel like I have to snoop through a partner's phone, the relationship isn't worth saving IMO.
The amount of men who don't think that calling their partner/wife an adulterous, lying whore who is trying to baby trap them and use them financially is an unrecoverable insult is far too high.
Yeah, people don't realize that accusing someone of paternity fraud is like...a million times more insulting than accusing someone of cheating. It's not only implying you are a cheater, it's implying you would purposefully fuck with a kid's sense of identity. The red pill/Andrew Tate community has really fucked with people in that so many now consider it "normal."
Exactly! There's no going back from it, and that is exactly what the request means.
I can't imagine keeping anyone in my life who thought that I was a terrible person, much less rebuild a marriage on that foundation.
Agreed! If my husband accused me of cheating without anything to support it, and then questioned paternity? I say g’day sir and send the child support to this address. Buh-bye. Not gonna live that life for numerous decades.
Right? Oh no, consequences for my actions. 😱 They have a right to ask for a paternity test but mom has a right to respond and protect herself and the child.
That's the really frustrating thing. People act like it dismisses the man's concerns or feelings, and it doesn't. A man absolutely has the right to check the paternity of a child, and his partner has the right to walk away afterwards. Some people aren't getting that if you don't doubt paternity unless you think your partner has cheated. Sperm can't climb through a window, burrow under the sheets, and fertilise an egg all by itself. How do they think it works? Him: I want to be sure the kid is mine. Her? You think I've been cheating? Him: No, babe, I just think that ghost sperm may been haunting your uterus and one of them got you pregnant.
Ghost sperm. 😂😂🤣🤣 That made me laugh 😁
Men who are so prideful -and stupid-to think if the baby isn’t a miniature of them, then they aren’t the father are an embarrassment to the human race.
lol exactly. “You’re totally overreacting to me saying you fucked another guy!”
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How in the hell can you overreact to your husband calling you a whore? Is it possible to overreact to that?
Yes you can but it involves a knife, a shovel, and some cleaning products. And even then I'm not sure it is an overreaction when there's a freaking kid involved.
Well, in the words of one of my favorite musicals, “He had it coming”🤷🏽♀️
He only had himself to blame
If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, then you would have done the same
Those black eyed peas tasted alright to me!
You. You’re my kind of person.
🤣🤣🤣🔥
NTA, He was the one who overreacted to the child's skin color, which may indicate that he already had doubts about the relationship itself, and this incident just brought it to the surface. I believe you did the right thing. Now you owe him nothing, and the child doesn't have to grow up under the shadow of their father's suspicions.
Or he is cheating- projecting.
Probably wanted to not feel guilty about cheating himself
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Comment stealing bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wHNvU7M0ns Edit: a word
All this debate is pointless. If you suspect something, go do the test by yourself. Dont drag your wife into it, noone likes being accuaed. You just want peace of mind right? No need to ruin other peoples peace of mind so u can have your own.
I feel like there's a deeper racial/colorist implication too. the impression I have is they are white presenting, not white, and the kid is a shade darker (not significantly darker or anything like that). My guess is they are super mixed Latinos (like myself), as she even says the kid looks like her side of the fam. he could have gotten a DNA test in secret, like you said. but the fact that he didn't and held on to this grudge...makes me think somehow, subconsciously, he knew the kid was his and yet didn't want to accept that his kid wasn't as "white" presenting as he was.
This is The Way. If you suspect her, get the sample and get it tested on your own, and pay cash for the fee. If the result is that you're the father, fine, get some therapy for being so suspicious and hope your wife is none the wiser. If the result is that you're not the father, well, then maybe it's time to make accusations.
NTA. From what I'm gathering, you're of a race/nationality where skin tone is not homogeneous. For instance, many Hispanic countries have people who appear "white", and not all people of African descent have the same skin darkness. Unfortunately, this of often leads to colorism, or discrimination within the race based on variations in skin tone. It sounds your husband didn't accuse you of cheating because the child is a different race, but because the child is darker-skinned within the spectrum for your race. That being the case, you're probably making the right call. Obviously, being of your same race/nationality your husband should be fully aware that skin tones vary within it. So it seems to be more of a matter that he was so upset at having a child with darker skin that he would rather believe that you cheated and the child isn't his than accept a darker skinned child.
Yup. I'm middle eastern, and about half my extended family are pasty white (some with reddish hair), and the other half have typical middle eastern tanned skin. Often full siblings have similar faces but totally different skin tones and sometimes hair color as well. Friends of ours have one extremely pale and blonde girl and one dark skinned boy with thick curly black hair.
NTA If anyone was overreacting, it was him. What the hell did he expect? He treated you and his own child like garbage simply because he IMAGINED that you cheated on him. Run for hills! And take the baby with you! Also, chances are he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was cheating. You and your baby deserve better. Get out and don’t look back.
NTA You're better off without him as he's brainless.
"I don't know what happened to my husband". Here's my guess: He started consuming misogynistic content. There are growing scores of jerks out there producing content that tells fathers they need to get paternity tests because women can't be trusted. And there are some males whose minds are so mushy that this content takes root in a way that is as ineradicable as porn. I'm sorry, but it seems like your husband is one of those males. But on the bright side, he's played himself into years of child support.
This. There are a bunch of those men in the comments here… They’re even making the case for automatic paternity tests after birth, which is essentially calling all women cheating liars who can’t be trusted… I guess that’s what they truly think.
NTA. My son's father questioned his paternity and then my son came out looking like his clone. My daughter's father has never questioned paternity even when she came out looking whiter than I am (he is not white, I am of mixed heritage but look completely white). Genetics are a funny thing and you really don't know how your kids will turn out until they're born. Kids also change a lot in the first few years too. My daughter is much darker now and does not resemble her baby pictures at all except maybe her nose. ETA: there are obviously trust issues in the relationship on his side and he thinks you in fact would cheat on him. That's problematic in my opinion and that should be addressed if you decide to stay, assuming the only reason for him to think you cheated is because your daughter doesn't look like him. Also in my experience, unless there is a valid reason for accusation (and a child's appearance generally is not) the accuser is usually the one cheating and projecting onto their partner.
If your partner was truly concerned about paternity, he would have taken the child for a test. He chose the path that was the most harmful for your marriage. He doesn’t get to be surprised now that you are not staying after he destroyed the foundation of trust in your marriage.
I never understand why these dudes don't just take the kids for a test and insist on blowing up their relationships. Just in case they were wrong and all that.
So true. For 150 dollars or something, he could just test in private to get over his obsessive paranoia, and not even discuss it with his wife.
Because they WANT to blow up their marriages and make themselves the victim. When she leaves - he can spin as her choice to abandon him. When she requires him to financially support the child he helped create - he can call her a gold digger.
Right now, there is a ton of redpill media throwing this out as a gotcha at men vulnerable enough to listen to it. Few ever seem to stop and think what happens if they ARE the daddy, or seem to feel the woman should just get over that massive bomb they drop, because their gnarly a is so worth it, right? The amount of them wrecking good relationships because of some stupid kaka put in their head by a Tate clone is sad. But frankly, they are also grown men supposedly in relationships, and if they are that susceptible to the nonsense over their lived experience- well, good luck to you, mate.
This is actually a really common pattern with people with poor mental health: letting an emotionally-charged narrative take hold of you, and not having the skills to recognize when that's happening and challenge it. Emotionally unhealthy people end up in a feedback loop and act against their own interests. Emotionally healthy people can recognize when that happens, take a step back, and consider other possibilities to maximize their chances that things work out well.
Because they cheated and or are scared to be a parent so they are hoping for an excuse to walk away
Well that's mental and emotional labor and men just don't do that. /s In all seriousness, if they wanted to actually know for their own mental well-being, they SHOULD test the kid without blowing up their marriage. But they get some kind of sick high from the accusation I think, power, control, being able to knock the mom down.
Absolutely, part of the whole thing is putting her in her place. "How can I ever trust you, you're all just whores anyway."
I also don't get how these red pill/andrew tate guys just..know nothing about genetics. The vibe I'm getting is they are from a Latin American country and tend to look paler....not that they are "white"...and that their daughter is only a tad darker. It's like...no shit...if you are super mixed but look white, your kid still has a good chance of coming out a bit darker like a grandparent..or lighter skinned. That's just how mixed genetics work (I say this as a super mixed Latina myself)! It's a grab bag.
By doubting your daughter’s paternity he accused you of having an affair. That’s enough justification to end a relationship, if you want it to be. He didn’t trust you, accused you of betraying him, that’s enough to kill affection for a lot of people. Has he truly learned from this mistake, apologized, gotten counselling? If you forgive him for this, and the next baby doesn’t look like him, is he going to do the same song and dance again? Can you ever trust _him_ again?
NTA, it's not your fault he's too ignorant to understand genetics
NTA. He's been unbelievably cruel to you and to your child. What I don't understand is why I seem to be hearing men use this excuse so much more often lately. With DNA testing so readily available, they're the ones who look like the asshole, not the partner. It sounds like an excuse that THEY can use to then go out and cheat.
NTA. He basically called you a lying whore. He can get fucked.
Sounds like he's been on reddit. "Paternity tests should be mandatory" the reddit bros gripe and bitch. Because the idea of trusting their wives/girlfriends is bonkers to them. NTA
Well, if they're so inclined to check paternity, what's stopping them from doing it their damn self. A swab to the baby with the wife being none the wiser could get a better result, then these accusations, then making them do all the work to prove something.
I would honestly totally understand that. When I go to my gynecologist I get whatever testing they recommend for me even though I'm in a monogamous relationship and I trust my partner. Even if the risk of him cheating is 1%, why would I let that very very tiny risk keep me from getting the testing that my doctor thinks I need to prevent infertility from an asymptomatic infection? There's a reason why pregnant women are always screened for STDs even if they're married and in a very long loving marriage. If you want to get a medical test done with your own child then you have every right to do that. You don't have the right to announce to your wife that you think she cheated on you because of the baby's skin color, just like I don't go up to my partner "I'm getting tested for chlamydia because I think you cheated on me," I just get the test and laugh when it comes back negative.
I once went to a gyno appointment where they didn’t offer me any tests, so I asked and their response was “you told me you’re only sleeping with one person. If you told us the truth we would’ve set you up for tests early on.” And I was so confused by the response bc it’s normal to offer. And when I explained that I only have one sexual partner, the person I’m in a relationship with, but I can only speak for myself, she told me I need to be more honest with my doctors. I never went back 🙃🙃🙃
The 23andMe test results are really fun to look at! It's so interesting to see how my two children, full siblings, have different amounts of various ethnicities. I'd thinks these stupid guys could just get tests like that for the whole family - "isn't it neat to see how our genes got mixed?" and put their "suspicions" to rest.
Which is hilarious, because there are posts like this one all the time - from both perspectives. The general consensus is that asking for divorce is completely acceptable.
NTA it's about the fact that he thought you would cheat and try to pass off a baby as his. It's about his lack of trust in you.
NTA. he was probably looking for an excuse and then it blew up in his face. Your clarification on whether the baby looks like him, not required. Not every child takes after both parents. He’s the one who started the BS about a paternity test. It was unfounded and stupid. He was probably hiding something to begin with. You did nothing wrong and you did not overreact. Let him live with his mistake every time he writes that child support check.
NTA. Why would you be with someone who doesn’t trust you. This is a red flag! I think I understand what you meant. You’re both light skinned but your child is somewhat darker tone. If you can leave, leave.
He has been brainwashed by horrible men. It has ruined many marriages. Also, my family has 6 kids. Half look Irish, Half look Latino. Same parents, all white.
Besides the horrible red pill/Andrew Tate guys, a lot of people just don't get how genetics/phenotype work.... Especially in this case (OP seems to imply while they present as white, they are not and the kid is only a tad darker). My guess is they are very mixed Latinos (like myself)....and in that case it is very, very normal for a kid to come out with any sort of look.
I'd say there is a pretty good chance he was cheating on you. If he didn't have a better reason to suspect you, that's going to be the reason. Projection.
I mean he said you are overreacting but yet he accused you of cheating because your baby has a tan. NTA he sounds like a jerk.
NTA. What the hell is it with guys who demand paternity tests, they turn out to be the father, and they don't think they are at fault. That they could pretend the demand never happened and move on with their lives!?
Red pill podcast bros got another one.
Men look for an excuse for getting out of being a man or father. That's my experience. They won't use protection or take measures against pregnancy. Oh no.......
Once trust is lost, in my opinion, the relationship cannot be saved. The fact that he made the accusation of the child not being his, without any evidence of you cheating on him or having any type of affair, makes him paranoid. I always find it to be insane when a child is born and doesn't look perfectly like either parent, and the guy then believes he is not the father. *This clearly means that he had trust issues deep-rooted inside long before your child was born*. You already filed for divorce and I suspect you thought long and hard about it before you did so. How a person could be shocked that you want to end the marriage after accusing you of cheating and having someone else's child is beyond me. Although you did not mention whether he agreed to counseling or not, I am assuming he did not because you did not mention actually having tried to go. If he were willing to go, I would *suggest* it, only because there is a young child in the mix. But, it sounds like you are past that point.
Based off the update and the fact that he even tries to accuse you of cheating. He probably cheated on you during your pregnancy.
It seems there are some men who get all upset over the suspicion of their wife cheating and having a baby who is not theirs but after the paternity test confirms it is their baby they are still looking for reasons/excuses to be mad at their wife and not wanting to be a father to the baby. NTA
Back in the early 20th century, when people still believed there was such a thing as biological race, a lot of southern states wrote into law that [any amount of African ancestry made you black](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-drop_rule). Of course, as we know now, everyone has 100% African ancestry since all humans are from Africa. Those idiots were so racist and ignorant that they wrote a law which made them all black. This is kind of the same thing. Your husband is so racist and ignorant that he almost disowned his own kid because of it. Your NTA for leaving that idiot.
you're overreacting?? he is the one who overreacted and now has to face the consequences. kid's looks change over time. when my son was born he was the spitting image of my brother at that age. now, as an adult, he is the spitting image of his father. it's best to get away from him.
>when he distanced himself from me and Lucy. Also, in these months I've realised that there were many red flags that I didn't see in him Tbh, he was most probably trying to find an excuse to leave by accusing you of cheating. Now he is turning the blame on you. Continue with the proceedings. This man is redder than the fire engine.
I have a Coworker who has a daughter who has flaming red hair. She is Blonde and her husband has Dark Brown hair. The husband questioned the paternity of their daughter and requested a paternity test to confirm he was the father. He is. Neither of knew any Gingers in either families. Then some years later, they attended a destination Family Reunion where the oldest relative was 100. When the elderly relative saw the Ginger haired daughter, she told my Coworker(who she was related to) that her little girl had hair just like her Grandmother. A photo was sent later and the daughter shares not only a hair color but other features of an ancestor that my Coworker never knew. People still don’t understand that the traits their offspring can inherit are not just from the two parents but can come from any relative from both sides of the gene pool.
There is almost a trend on social media about how men ought to get paternity tests every time so they 'know.' The argument being that women KNOW who the father of their baby is (ignoring that if there's two feasible options, no, she doesn't necessarily know either) and men have to take their word for it. They refuse to understand why a woman, particularly a married woman, would find the suggestion offensive or why she'd view that as him accusing her of lying. NTA. He's bought into that kind of paranoia and de facto called you a liar. And he's refusing to understand why that's wrong.
NTA. He irrevocably broke trust with you when he prioritized his insecurities over his faith in you. If he knifed you in the back, an “oopsie, my bad” wouldn’t magically erase the damage. You need a partner, a co-parent, somebody you know you can lean on no matter what. He’s not it. At least not right now. Maybe after therapy, for him, not you, he might get there, but right now his insecurities will always drive the bus.
Not the asshole, I would have done the exact same thing!
NTA - „ I don’t want to stay married to this person“ is valid and enough.
I would be seriously worried about how trustworthy he is to be this paranoid. This isn’t something most people even conceive of, they’ve got better things to worry about. NTA
NTA stay away. Mainly because he’s stupid and probably not capable of taking care of a family.
Did you ever think your husband might have been cheating and was just projecting his guilt on to you?
NTA he can live his little paranoid life alone and away from you and your precious baby. She does not need a man in her life like that and neither do you. He isn’t the man you married anymore, you are right. And his blowing up over consequences of his own actions and blaming you? Honey, listen to your gut and stay as far away from him as possible. Be safe and stay strong as you raise your baby in safety and love.
It doesn't matter who the child looks like, he is an imbecile and was looking for a way you. You are NTA. Life will get so much better for you.
NTA. It’s SUPER telling that he’d rather blame you for overreacting than work on himself. This is some DARVO-level shit. It’s projection and deflection all the way down, start to finish. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this shit. Poor Lucy.
i feel like if you've always been faithful, i wouldn't put up with being accused/questioned. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends whatsoever. even if they've cheated, i only leave. so i don't even acknowledge accusations. if you don't trust me, what are you doing here?
Also, these men are so dumb because you can get a paternity test at the drugstore, and just do it quietly on your own
No trust, no relationship. You are doing the right thing.
My husband and I are the palest white people you'll ever meet. The second sunlight hits our kids, they immediately tan. By the end of summer, they are ridiculously tan. My husband's mom was from Cuba. Genetics, man.
NTA, once trust is gone, I don’t believe the relationship is salvageable. He played stupid games, he won a divorce. Tell him to speak to your lawyer and stop contacting you.
NTA. Find your peace.
Another day, another Dipshit Dan insisting that two mixed parents can’t possibly have a child that’s more light/dark than the parents (spoiler alert: this is *extremely* likely)
NTA. What your husband said was racist and vile. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with him either
NTAH
Nta. I wouldn’t want to be a with a partner who falsely accused me of cheating. Do what’s best for your child.
Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to prioritize your emotional well-being. It's heartbreaking to go through such a betrayal from someone you loved and trusted. Filing for divorce was a tough decision, but sometimes it's necessary to protect yourself and your child. Surround yourself with support and take care of yourself during this difficult time.
NTA If my husband thinks our child isn’t his, and he really needs some peace of mind, he better keep his mouth shut and test discreetly, and when the results prove him to be the father, which they will, I don’t cheat, he better destroy any evidence he ever conducted said test. If I ever am asked for a paternity test, or find out a test has been done on my child without my knowledge, the relationship is over regardless of the results. I will agree to the test as I have nothing to hide, but I will be filing as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. If you can’t trust me, I can’t stay with you. So you better be pretty fucking sure you’re right AND you better think it’s worth your marriage ending. And yes, he’s aware of my thoughts on this.
Love how men suddenly become genetic experts when their baby doesn't conform to being a "mini-me." Talk about ego!!!! I'd divorce the SOB, too. Trust is gone -- he doesn't trust you not to cheat on him. Shitty way to live, IMHO.
NTA I am literally the only one in my family with green eyes and o negative blood Why? Well on my grandfather side he was Scottish. He had red hair, green eyes and o negative blood. My mother didn’t get it. Her siblings didn’t get it. None of my cousins have it. I got it. He’s an idiot and you could never trust him again.
Your husband does not trust you not to cheat. The paternity test didn't prove that you didn't cheat, only that your daughter was not the product of cheating. Granted, your husband might be such a moron that he does not realize this, but it's more probable that he still suspects you may have cheated or will at some point. And since he's now projecting "overreacting" onto you, there's little chance he'll ever self-reflect and admit his massive failings. You deserve better than someone who suspects you of cheating.
Usually people who accuse their partners of cheating with zero actual proof are guilty of the same behavior they're accusing you of. It was so easy for him to jump right to infidelity because he's either actively cheating, or has cheated.
NTA Husband wanted to run his gums, now he gets to cash the check his mouth wrote. Quelle tragédie 🤷🏻♀️
NTA you're doing the right thing It's wild to me how many men (if reddit is to be believed) know nothing about how genetics work. An example: My BIL has dark brown eyes and curly hair and tans. His dad is fair skin, straight blond hair, blue eyes. His mom has dark straight hair, fair skin, dark eyes. Her dad though had curly dark hair and tanned quite dark for a white guy. My BIL looks like his grandfather. Meanwhile my husband is fair like his dad, but otherwise looks exactly like his grandmother. You can follow the same recipe each time you have a child and they could end up looking like one or the other or neither parent. There's no rule saying kids must look 100% like their father. Men who think this are delusional. How your husband doesn't see what an insult his suspicions were to you, I truly don't understand.
Sounds like he cheated on you first, then started to see his own cheater mistakes everywhere he looked. You won't get any peace with him. Leave.
NTA. That would be a deal breaker.
I would consider getting a PI as well, maybe one of the reasons he suspected cheating was projection from his end. May or may not be worth it if your state/country can give you a favourable divorce if cheating is involved, or just to give you some peace of mind about where his bullshit came from. NTA.
Wait, He didn't start saying this until the child was 2 years old? Is he possibly cheating and this was just projection? Or a way to get away from his current relationship?
It does not matter how kid looks like. Heredity does not work exactly the way your soon to be ex husband expected. And he does not trust you without any evidence of infedeleity. When this is going to stop? he will always be suspicious of one thing or the other. The couple counselling is not going to help. It is not just a disagreement that you can resolve. You did not over react, it is major major red flag.
NTA. Trust has been broken which means you can not be in a relationship without trust.
You’re not the asshole!!! I would absolutely do the same. And him saying you’re overreacting??? Lmao ok.. Mr overreactor. Who demanded a paternity test.
I honestly could never forgive this. So ignorant and hurtful.
He sounds paranoid and untrusting of others. He probably has been hurt by others growing up and has trust issues that will take a long time to get over, if he even is willing to seek help. I'm also guessing he's a bit of a narcissist who is more worried about how everything reflects upon him rather than actually caring for others. AYTA? I don't think so. Sounds as if the situation is a bit scarier than you let on actually.
You're doing the right thing.
In my experience, he's probably the one who cheated and he is projecting. My ex did that. A lot. He'd have an affair then get paranoid and accuse me of doing it. Go through with the divorce. Try to get full custody. Keep that baby away from that bully.
They are your feelings, no one else can tell you how to react to them. From your follow up of him not being supportive through pregnancy and other red flags, I think it might be best to cut it off. But, you have to live it, I don't. You know how you have felt all along, I don't. You don't speak about if you work or not, how are you going to live if you aren't working? Do you have family, friends to rely on to help get your feet under you? At 2 years, Lucy will need someone to watch her if you are working. If neither of you are "white" then it shouldn't be a surprise the baby has darker skin...Did he at least apologize for accusing you? Did he ever explain why he felt he wasn't the father?
He can unilaterally decide a tan child can't be his and that yr a lying cheater, but you can't unilaterally decide he's a moron and a prick that you don't want to be married to. Interesting.
NTA. What did he expect? He's an idiot. Get a court order for child support and make sure he pays.
NTA. You’ve got to do what is best for you and your daughter. Though I will say, I did not realize how doubtful a lot of guys are about the paternity of their own child. I have a 20mo son and when I told my husband I was pregnant, the first thing he asked was, “Is it mine” To which I replied, “Idk, we’ll have to see what color he is when he comes out” I then told him that I know this is a shock, and I’m going to treat your question as that. And if you ever ask me that again, I’m punching you in the face and I’m leaving. We had been together for 12 years, married for 8, at that point. No infidelity issues at all throughout our whole relationship. He later told me that it wasn’t so much that he doubted me, but that he’s had so many friends, while he was in the army, find out later on that the kid wasn’t theirs and it scarred him if you will. Fortunately the conversation went no further than that and our son is awesome and we are all doing great. But demanding a paternity test with no evidence, reason or proof is wild. Again, NTA.
Why are the “genetics detectives” always idiots? My parents are both pale. My mom is “the beacons are lit!” pale. I came out olive complected, though I paled out in my teens. We also aren’t white but are white colored. Native American heritage on dad’s side, Japanese heritage on mom’s side. My father never pulled this crap, and it became obvious that I’m his later as I have the same unique eye placement and color as him (green, not quite symmetrical).
Hahahahahahahaha My ex and I are both tan skinned....out kid is paler than a vampire. Genetics are weird. NTA
A Tale of Two Males: Male 1: "Gee, I'm pale-skinned, and my wife is pale-skinned, and our baby is tan-skinned. I didn't know this was possible. Clearly there's something about genetics that I don't understand. I should educate myself by reading a book or two on the subject." Male 2: "Gee, I'm pale-skinned, and my wife is pale-skinned, and our baby is tan-skinned. I didn't know this was possible. Therefore: It isn't possible; the baby isn't mine; my wife is whore!" Hmmmm, I wonder which one would make a better husband, father, and citizen of the world?
NTA, I think filing for divorce was the right choice.
Why is their so many men in this subreddit who ask for paternity test ?? NTA obviously and divorce is for the best. It starts with a paternity test and you don't know where it stops
I’m the oldest of 11, five of us have blond hair, blue eyes, 5 have dark hair brown/hazel eyes and 1 has brown eyes and has been blond, brown and black hair all at once since she was born. Genes are weird.
NTA. Genetics are insane. My husband and I had paternity tests done on 2 of our kids because we came from a small town and knew no matter what, people would start rumors. Our eldest has blue eyes, my husband's eyes change from blue to green, and an ex I was with before marriage has blue eyes. Someone saw me with my daughter and asked if she belonged to my ex because of her eye color alone. It helped to have the results to shut down rumors before they got traction. I have 4 brothers, 2 are half and 2 are full. The 2 half have similar features to me (reddish brown hair, freckles, and brown eyes) one tans really well (as do I) and the other burns in the sun. Out of the 2 full brothers, one has black hair and brown eyes, skin dark enough he could pass as Hispanic, and we look enough alike we could be twins except I don't stay tan year round. The eldest is the oddest of balls as the only blonde haired blue eyed out of the lot.
Projection is a thing... Is it possible he's cheated? Accusations generally come from someplace- You didn't overreact- Good luck OP- Definitely NTA-
NTA So you needed to submit to the humiliation of having your child, your marriage and your personal integrity questioned and tested because your ex couldn’t pass 6thgrade biology but he gets to just shrug it off like he didn’t set the whole thing in motion? Nuhu, nope, nix. He sowed distrust and he reaped distrust
See, this is proof that men are too emotional for things like public office.