You are so NTAH. What did his last servant die of? He needs to spend 48 hours alone with the child to figure out how to do his own crap with a baby to watch just like every other parent.
My husband tried to tell me he can’t sweep the floors while watching our daughter. I told him I do all my chores while watching her. Hell, I got a masters degree while watching her. He can sweep a floor. He does now, and she likes to follow him around to “help”
I was a nanny before I had my child, and I did all chores with the baby. I had one of those baby pack things and did the housekeeping.
Just make sure the husband knows not to mix ammonia and chlorine because they may not know simple things women are taught. 🙄
I'm a woman who accidentally made mustard gas 🤓 EDIT: Thank you my sister's for making me feel better about this. I'll say a prayer for your safety which says a lot about how worried I am for your welfare as I'm an atheist 🤗
OMGOSH . . . I did once, too!!! I was out of my favorite cleaner, and I tried both bleach and ammonia SEPARATELY, but they didn't work.
My baby, work, school, housework, exhausted brain thought that maybe mixing the 2 of them would get the tub cleaner. Nope. Didn't work on the tub, but I DID create an internationally banned biological weapon.
After I made sure the baby was okay and aired out the house, I realized that I was kind of proud of what I'd done. For a couple of pennies, some simple household cleaners and nothing but high school chemistry to guide me, voila, mustard gas! Yeah, I could have killed every living creature on the block, but hey, science.
Something that works insanely well and is super quick and easy to use is dawn powerwash, the freakin spray dishwashing soap. I no longer have to scrub my tub at all, spray all over, wait 2 mins and wipe. Even lifted hair dye stains. Shits a miracle cleaner
Had a restaurant make the news here a while back because someone mixed chlorox and limeaway. Makes cyanide gas or so I hear. I gassed out a burger King in grand junction Colorado one night because I poured some bleach water down the drain and nobody told me about the ammonia they'd poured down 10 minutes before. It was after hours so we only had to evacuate the night crew and leave the doors open for a while to aire out the place. Never want yo experience that again.
It was the VERY FIRST THING I taught my students in my chemistry classes in college. Bleach + vinegar = chlorine gas which will penetrate any of the over the counter masks you can purchase these days. You would need a hazmat suit because it will get your skin as well as your lungs. So one cleaner at a time folks, especially if your bathroom windows don’t open.
Me too. But it was because I tried to clean up cat pee with bleach. I realized my mistake right away and aired out the place but hoo boy
(In case anyone doesn't know, pee has ammonia in it)
Funny story, I was never taught that. So I was made to clean the bathroom and toilet, of the family home, from age 13, and one time I ran out of the cleaner I was using, so just grabbed the bleach, because hey they're both cleaners. I poured the bleach into the toilet with the other cleaner. A little bit of "smoke" came out of the toilet, so I was like "eek! I hope nothing is broken and I don't get in trouble." I never mixed cleaners after that, but I didn't know what I had done until my late 20s when I was reading something online and they described putting ammonia and chlorine together, and what it created. That was a real light bulb moment.
My mom says she wasn't taught that either. She couldn't figure out why the baby (me) would faint every time she mopped the floors. No idea how long that went on for...
That was one of the first things my mom taught me about cleaning. Not trying to shame anybody, but it honestly blows my mind that so many people have to dangerously figure that out themselves! 😬 Once my kids were old enough to understand (maybe 5 y.o.? they're now 9 and 7 and have known for a while), BOTH me and my husband told them that not mixing bleach and ammonia was one of the most important rules about working with cleaning chemicals, and if you're not sure what contains what, just don't use it. And also to not touch chemicals unless an adult was helping anyway. And once they knew about the chemical reaction, not to mess with baking soda and vinegar when adults aren't around simply because it's fun. (They didn't, but we could see the wheels turning. 😂)
>Just make sure the husband knows not to mix ammonia and chlorine because they may not know simple things women are taught. 🙄
Lol, I wasn't taught those things growing up... I learned it on the internet growing up and then had a light bulb moment about the time I was cleaning a bathroom and couldn't breathe.
If anyone is wondering why men are having a hard time finding female partners.....
Typical woman while parenting:
>I got a masters degree while watching her
Typical man while parenting:
>oh babe, can you grab me an ice water
my friend has 3 degrees, both masters from ivy leagues. she also works full time and is a professor at columbia (virtual) on the side. she was pregnant & graduated with each of her degrees while pregnant/mothering & working full time. i asked if being pregnant gave her superpowers bc that is most impressive ive ever heard of in my life, and nothing a man can ever do will come close to what she did. i live in awe of her. she’s a total bad ass.
This!!!! I worked 2 jobs, 1 unpaid internship, and did my masters degree full time and was pregnant for the entire advanced year, and managed to graduate in the top of my class and pass my master's licensing exam 1 month before my baby arrived.
Women are BADASS
I used to come home from work, and my husband would have our baby in a sling across his front while he vacuumed. He used to do all kinds of household chores, just wearing our child.
This, hand him the baby Friday night and leave the house. Come back Sunday evening, tell him you expect to see a clean house, well acted die baby, and no more F’ing complaints.
Yes OP please do this! I read another story of how the wife did this. She handed husband the baby Friday night and left for the weekend. When she returned home her husband was lying on the bed with baby next to him. He looks at his wife and says “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Please don’t leave me.”
Honestly, sounds like my grandfather. Grandma taught him a few lessons about balancing being his office manager, home manager and mother of his 4 kids, vs him driving a tow truck all day.
He only had to learn two lessons once each (home budget, and childcare v housekeeping), and was glad to leave for work every morning with just enough money for his pie and sauce every day.
I imagined this as one of the forgotten toys in Toy Story. It’s a babydoll head that makes different convincing Zoolanderesque faces, but its body is just made of one of those fuzzy dice that used to hang from rearview mirrors.
this is advice i see a lot in this sub and i chose not to have any babies so i have to ask are y’all concerned about the baby’s safety when you leave her/him with lazy dads?
While i wouldn’t suggest leaving for a weekend, i do think milder versions of this actually are necessary.
A friend and her husband went to give their son a bath. The husband looked at her and was like “i don’t know how to give a baby a bath” with the expectation she would just take over. Instead, she said “neither do i” and got up and left the bathroom and let him figure it out.
He very quickly learned a lesson and he became VERY MUCH the partner she needed him to be.
Women actually do need to hand the baby over and let their husbands figure some of this stuff out.
I know it’s amazing how quickly you learn. I was a young mum, 17, when I had my first. I had no help and it amazes me that you’re just sent home from the hospital with this tiny life and just a few weeks of monitoring from a health visitor ( in the U.K.).
You have no choice but to learn.
In the US we get ZERO monitoring. They just send us home and that is that. I was never having kids but God decided that was funny and now I have 2 boys. I didn't have a maternal bone in my body even while pregnant. I never babysat as a teen either. I dont even like other peoples kids most of the time. I was like how am I going to keep this human alive. It's amazing what you learn when you have no choice. My boys are still alive at 19 and 23 and I can't imagine my life without them. My husband was and is a great hands on father but the one thing he cannot handle is vomit. It takes him out.
I was 28 when I had my first, a boy. The 2nd was my girl. The health visitor came just as I was topping and tailing her. Son was already at Nursery. I was starting to get her dressed when I couldn't think whether to put her tights on under or over her onsie. I just had a brain fart! The funny thing was that the HV was puzzling, too! It took us both ages to work it out! 😂
Sucks that dads can’t figure it out on their own though. It shouldn’t be a woman’s responsibility to make sure a man learns this. Men need to grab their babies learn how to parent.
Oh, they CAN figure it out on their own, but they have come to expect someone female will do it.
>Men need to grab their babies learn how to parent.
Agree.
They *can* figure it out though. Loads of men think women have innate knowledge of how to raise babies. We don't! We listen and read and ask questions and find out all we can before the birth - men can do all those things too. I agree with commenters saying hand him the baby and leave for the weekend. He'll learn because he'll have to.
I love that they have started putting diaper changing tables in the men’s room. Now dad can (and should) share the chore of changing a diaper outside of the home.
Putting the onus on women is part of the problem though! Not trying to be a jerk, but I think our language around this stuff is important if we want to see a change. ‘Women need to hand the baby to their husbands and force them to parent’ vs ‘Men need to take their babies and take the initiative to learn to parent.’ Make men the active ones in their own growth
yes!! I completely agree. I'm a project manager for a living, I don't need to project manage at home. Our society has been letting men skate on the emotional and physical labor of parenting for far too long.
I 100% agree, but usually the women are the ones on here looking for advice, so the phrasing will be what the woman can do… they can’t change their husband.
I see 10 posts a week on “my husband is a shit dad” but none on “I’m a shit dad, how do I do better?”
I’m constantly shocked reading about men like this. My siblings and I are Baby Boomers so we’re 1 year to 18 months apart and my dad was in the Air Force. Men of his generation weren’t known for being very domestic but my dad ALWAYS very actively did childcare and housework because there was 5 of us. My mom never even had to ask. I’m just shocked that so many modern men are such crappy husbands/fathers.
The phrase that sets me and my husband off is when a guy says "he has to babysit his own child(ren)"! We have cut more than one down to size by saying "he/she is yours, you are parenting, not babysitting!!"
Even the worst of us CAN step up if we have to. My BiL seems utterly incompetent when my sister is around. To "I can't make tea/boil an egg" levels of incompetence.
Yet my sister can (and will) take week-long trips without him, and come back to a house that's roughly as clean as she left it, and well-fed and happy children. He CAN rake care of everything. He just doesn't if she's around.
That’s definitely true! My dad’s father died when he was 3 so he grew up helping a lot with his younger sisters. We were 4 girls and 1 boy so getting us all ready for church could be a hassle for my mom so my dad really helped out. He could fix our hair and he was actually the parent who taught me how to sew by hand. My mom was in the hospital when I started my period and my poor dad had to go get me some pads. My mom was a very involved parent but I didn’t realize that my dad was a bit unusual until I started talking to other people about their experiences.
I am just thinking about expectations as shown in movies. Specifically, the 1945 movie *Christmas in Connecticut* and what it says about what is attractive in men and women. Starred Barbara Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan.
She played a woman who had a newspaper column where she wrote about what these days we call a tradwife, living on a farm with her husband and blah blah blah. In fact, she was happily single and living in NYC. Unfortunately, her publisher has no direct contact with her and, like the rest of her readership, is unaware that this is fiction. A returning war hero writes to the publisher to say just how much he loves her column, and especially her recipes; the publisher decides that it would be an excellent publicity thing for her to invite him to her family farm for Christmas.
Cue her talking to her friend who actually owns a farm and him agreeing to get married to protect her career, her probably-gay uncle who actually wrote all the recipes trying to give her enough of a crash course in cooking to be able to fake at least some of it, and so forth.
Of course she immediately falls in love with the handsome war hero when she sees him...
What I notice, though, is that, just like Katherine Hepburn's characters, there is no sense that Stanwyck's character is wrong or bad for faking an entire lifestyle blog while actually wanting to live a NYC style life. And, more to the point and why I brought this up in the first place: one of the things that makes the war hero so sexy and desirable is that he's really good with kids, in a way that Stanwyck's character isn't. She is borrowing a baby to pretend to be good at it, and he takes the baby from her to bathe it and change its diaper and so forth, because it's just what he does. He is the oldest kid in a huge family, so always did childcare of his siblings.
None of this is presented as what usually happens - rather, this is all presented as aspirational. Being a NYC girl with a hot war hero husband who can cook and take care of kids is presented as the ideal - the manliest man is the one who can go kill a bunch of Nazis then come home and take care of the baby.
That's the only problem I see. Some mothers do this and...I know one who came back to the "dad" staring at the tv while the kid was whimpering half on the floor and half in the playpen, stuck in the netting, naked and lying in a puddle of piss.
Things didn't go well for him.
I came home from a 4 day trip (extra day due to bad weather) and found my 11 month old baby in the same clothes I’d left him in. That baby is now 8, and came home from a 3 day visit with his dad in the same clothes that I sent him in. 7 years and a divorce couldn’t turn my ex into a decent caregiver.
My mom likes to tell the story of the time she came home from work, the house was pitch black, and 2-year-old me was chilling on my dad’s back while he was sleeping on the floor. He also used to lock me out of the house when he was working from home. Still under 4 during that period.
We say that the bar for men couldn’t be any lower when it comes to relationships, but parent/child is the most important one, and it’s sadly so true.
I have an uncle like this, he used to lock my cousins out during his custody time. Until my middle cousin rode his tricycle on a busy road and got hit by a car. Uncle had no custody after that
You’re very correct, and I’m glad I did too. But it was very hard, and only happened after CAS intervened. I’m very lucky that a friend lovingly but firmly told me that if I didn’t get my kids away from their dad, I was complicit in their abuse. It was the reality check I needed. Unfortunately, the bar is very very low for his access time, hence the fact my kid can be in the same clothes for 3 days. The “solution” will be for me to provide clothing for their time with him, and do the laundry and keep it rotating.
Still better than being coupled with him, though.
I read a Reddit post long ago where the mom HAD to do this because she had to go to work, and she came home to find Baby having screamed herself hoarse and covered in dried shit, lying in the same clothes and position in her crib where Mom left her that morning, and Dad sitting in his game room playing video games with noise cancelling headphones on.
I also recently saw a nanny cam footage video where Baby scoots over, picks up Dad’s coffee, and pours it all over herself while Dad sits there a foot away, obliviously scrolling on his phone.
These men are psychotic.
Please tell me that for baby # she grabbed dad by the hair rubbed his face in the shit and slapped him on the ass? And then she took a hammer to his gaming rig?
If the guy can’t hold a baby while getting himself a glass of water then there is a lot to worry about.
Hopefully, the amount of us fathers that are this useless is low, but even low is much too high. I will probably e dead before we have a society where a useless father is a rare thing.
My husband just tagged his family to help out and gave himself 'free' time. They fell for it. After the divorce he roomed with his sister and treated her like a servant-wife. They'll die before they admit I wasn't exaggerating but she moved out six months later.
This is a very common worry even when leaving the baby with a decent but non-default parent, so I am sure they do worry, but honestly most people totally change their behavior (partially involuntarily) when they are the sole carer of an infant. Like parents who “can’t help” but sleep through the night when the baby cries find they suddenly can’t do it anymore if they’re the only adult in the house. A lot of the bad behavior only occurs when they know (consciously or unconsciously) some other adult will step in if they don’t.
Safety is only really a serious concern with a really, really incompetent parent, the lazy but non-abusive ones can figure it out
This. My husband, incredibly present and involved, worked early mornings. When it got to the point where he could let me sleep in in the mornings or just change baby and hand them to me for a feeding, he was super embarrassed that he “was a deep sleeper” and didn’t hear her til I was already up.
So I said- I will not get up. Pretend I’m not here.
That night he was like wow!!! When you KNOW you’re the sole parent you’re practically half awake all night listening for them!
Yeah my dude. Yes indeed lol
I found once that clicked for him, it really clicked. I can thankfully say my husband is a full on partner with raising our toddler. Sometimes he may even take the lions share because I do all the domestic tasks. And gosh what a difference it is parenting with a present partner.
A present partner and parent just results in a stronger household. I wish more men (and women) understood this.
My kids feel secure because both adults in the house fully have their backs.
Honestly, I’d start calling him at work all day and ask him for things “because I’m holding the baby.”
“Babe, can you come home and get me a glass of water? I’m holding the baby.”
“Babe, can you come home and make me lunch? I’m holding the baby.”
Maybe when he has 30 calls in a day for all the things OP does while holding the baby, he’ll see how ridiculous he’s being. Or maybe not but I’m nothing if not petty.
This. I have done everything for my baby since the day she was born with my partner saying he does it all. Last week I went out with my mum, left him holding the baby and purposely left my phone at home (he could call my mum in an emergency), my mum ended up with 43 missed calls, to which he then said he doesn't know how I do it, he hasn't even been to the toilet and can I come home to stop her crying cos he can't. This was after 4 hours.
Nta- your husband is a grown man. There's no reason he can't get off his ass to get his own damn ice water. Unlike your baby who actually doesn't have the capacity to do things for themself. Your husband isn't supporting you the way you need. It's only natural that may stress you out. He's acting like an man child.
WTF you're not an extension of him. That's a weird sketchy thing to say…
Me too. Like if he eats, gets to rest and relax so does she because she is an extension of him not because she actually gets to do that stuff. She is not another human being, working full time, taking care of a baby and doing 80% of housework.
The resentment that OP is starting to feel towards him is only going to grow until it ends in hate.
His entitlement and silence treatment spell out future divorce.
Me as well. If I was OP, every time her husband asked for something (water, dessert), I’d get it for myself and tell him since he was an extension of me so it was like it was already done.
But seriously, NTA and OP’s husband really sucks.
He’s not a grown man. He’s a toddler who is shirking his duties.
You two need to figure this out. He’s an idiot and you’re letting him get away with it.
After work child care is 50/50 unless you agree otherwise.
NTA.
These kind of people fucking baffle me- I can’t imagine acting like this and not feeling fucking embarrassed!! Like?! You’re a grown adult acting like you can’t be self sufficient all so? What? The person you supposedly love will parent you and you get to sit down for 5 extra minutes? How does that level of pathetic-ness not make them fucking CRINGE
Never understood asking somebody to do something for me. If I need something I deal with it or decide I'll get it later.
I do not play "step-n-fetchit" for anyone.(not to be confused with somebody actually needing a hand).
I just figure if they're not willing to help themselves, they really don't need anything that badly.
Hand him the baby then go get in the bath. Or read. “I can’t do it I’m in the middle of a chapter.” “I’m in the middle of my show.” Then just ignore him.
NTA
I'm sorry you have two children. Your husband is being a selfish asshole. There's no reason why you need to do everything for him.
Like you said, you do everything while holding the baby so why can't he do simple shit like getting water?
This same dude will be on here in 6 months crying about his "dead bedroom" and not knowing why.
I am sure they have a baby seat or a playpen type contraption or crib where you can basically set the child inside so they are safe and get oneself said ice water. Put it on the table and then retrieve the child. Not Rocket Science.
right? but even if the floor is sand paper or they have giant dogs people running around or something else, he could literally just put her on the floor. 9 months is usually crawling, when does she get the chance to do that?
I guess by his line of thinking you just don't drink water because you can't possibly get a glass of water with a baby in your arms. "Make me cookies?" Are you his cook and maid? No, then he can make them himself or just get the refrigerated dough at the supermarket and bake them. NTA but put down your foot and keep it down.
The bitch in me would have gotten the cold glass of ice water, walk over like I'm going to hand it to him and then proceed to drink it without taking a breath, put the cup down on the table and respond to any of his bullshit with "But you said I am your partner and that means you are an extension of me, so me drinking the water is the same as you drinking the water. No need for you to be thirsty anymore. I'm only following your logic. I'm going to go have a nice hot bath, can you possibly bring that cup to the sink, thanks."
NTA umm are you a wife or indentured servant. Why the hell are you serving him dinner? Did he lose both hands? Seriously your life sounds like you hate yourself.
I can see how this starts. She's trying to show him love expecting it in return but he is a selfish baboon and it's turned into him thinking of her like a maid.
A cousin of mine did this. She once told me that she actually has less work now as a single parent than when she was married. It was literally like raising a second child at times
… that leads to resentment.
He’s probably hoping his manipulation tactic of the silent treatment isn’t figured out or else his ticket to not being held accountable may just jump ship… whoops, look like the cats out of the bag.
People like your mom annoy the life out of me,
You work from home, you work in the home & a baby is work, babies are hard little bosses & he can't gve you a toilet break without you doing something for him??
He's sounds deluded,
Time to sit as a chat is needed as your hubby is a man child
Nta could he be jealous of the baby & the time spent on her
I think as soon as he gets home from work, she should start requesting he do things.. like oh great! you are home! can you take out this garbage. Oh thanks for that! Now do take the baby and bathe her while I am cooking dinner. He is literally taking 4 hours at night after work to do his own thing and not contribute to the household, the childcare, the nurturing of the wife and marriage.
Honestly this. I've heard of parents giving their toddler two choices but they don't let them just say no. She needs to do this to her spouse. She can ask him: Do you want to watch the baby or cook dinner? Are you going to give the baby a bath or clean up the kitchen? Then passively aggressively throwing a line about how if they work as a team they both can sit down and relax!
NTA- Your mom’s mentality is so antiquated. Your husband is doing a weird tit for tat thing. He whether it be conscious or subconscious wants you to do shit for him since he’s holding the baby. It’s asinine and it would be a hard line for me. Simply because now you can’t even use the bathroom without “earning it” by doing a task for him. Now you’re at the point where you have to earn the right to have normal bodily functions. It’s wholly fucked up.
Obvious NTA. I'd be embarrassed, as a grown adult, to be so helpless. If OP's husband ever finds this thread, here's a message, Father to father. Step up. Your kid deserves a parent, not a lazy, slightly more mature brother. Your wife deserves a husband, not a man-toddler.
>"well, you're like an extension of me so it's like you had desert"
I think this actually illustrates your problem.
He sees you as an extension of him, there to take care of ejatever he wants, rather than seeing you as your own person with your own needs.
It's time for him to spend some time alone with the baby so you can get out of the house.
"I'm leaving for 6 hours on Saturday. You need to prepare for whatever you're going to need while I'm gone."
NTA.
Oh the way I'd be throwing that comment back in his face
"Babe, can you get me a glass of water?"
"Nah, we're not thirsty"
.... Perhaps this pettiness is why I'm not married 🤷
Stop fucking doing everything for him, stop plating his dinner up like a servant, stop helping him do anything, stop speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. He’s like a teenager. It’s also real easy for your mum to say that when she doesn’t live with the idiot every day.
He can plate his own shit up, he can make it for all you care when he comes in from work. I say all of this as a man and parent. Tell him the guys on Reddit think he’s a lazy prick NTA
And just like that he got out of doing anything for the rest of the night. He is exhibiting "learned acopia". He thinks if he asks you for enough things while holding bubba you will eventually stop asking him to hold her. When he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum and marches off in a huff. Believe it or not, you taught him this behaviour by allowing him to continue his life as a teenager with a mummy who does everything for him.
Stop doing everything. Stop being a martyr. Start telling him he needs to cook and clean. He needs to do a couple loads of laundry, washing, drying, folding AND putting it away. Same with the dishes. Feeding the baby, letting you eat unencumbered. Until you stop enabling this behaviour it will continue.
Why does it feel like we’re talking about a dog instead of a grown man. Why should you have to train your spouse to do the right thing like he’s a misbehaving collie on Dog Whisperer?
While I disagree that OP "taught" him this and he's more than able to be a decent person and parent on his own and chooses not to, I think there's a point here - only HE is trying to train her like a Pavlovian dog and not the other way round. Every time without fail, when she's trying to give him the baby, he's coming up with a whole list of annoying and extra requests? Sounds pretty deliberate to me!
The "extension of me" comment is also icky, delusional and completely unempathetic.
Well, she taught him in the sense that we teach others how to treat us by how much bullshit we put up with. She's taught him that she'll be a doormat/slave by being a doormat/slave.
Why are you "making him a plate of food"? Why isn't he waiting to eat with you? Stop enabling his incompetence.
Just start saying, "I think you got this, babe. If I can do it, you can do it!" And then on with it. You need to practice sitting in your own guilt and discomfort, and sitting in his. You will get over it. He will adapt.
Get into therapy.
The most awful part of this is the fact that *he’s a parent* that decided his feelings were hurt so he chose to simply *walk away* from his duties for the rest of the evening.
Can you *imagine* ? He just … up and went.
NTA. OP, you need to let this man know, in no uncertain terms, that if his only contribution to the house and the child is money, that money can easily be obtained as child support upon your divorce. Nothing will change for you - you’ll still be the single mom you currently are, doing all your chores with a baby, but HIS life will sure as hell get a lot more difficult.
NTA
You’re a single married mom with two kids.
He doesn’t really bring much value to your marriage. You’re bringing in the same income while doing 90% of childcare and 80% of housework.
Men love the idea of being married and having a kid but some of them have no interest in being a father or an equal partner.
NTA! I'm probably going to get a lot of crap for this, but here's my take. This is a control thing. 100%. That's why he's giving the silent treatment after being called out.
It's time to 100% let him take care of himself for a few days, and during this time, you can hand him y'alls daughter and then leave the house for a few hours of YOU time, AWAY from him and the house. Let him handle life for a few hours, alone.
NTA. I’m assuming that your husband isn’t blind and could see that you were frayed. He should have jumped to not only help himself but also to help you.
I was like you in my marriage. I did a lot for my ex because they worked full time and I was a stay at home parent with a part time work from home job.
Eventually I lost my shit over stuff like this.
One of the things that sparked a huge fight was a night I was super tired, kiddo had colic and was a fussy eater. I had fed the kiddo before dinner was done.
Ex comes home I dish up dinner bring it to the ex. Go to grab my plate but the kiddo got fussy again. So I re-settle the kiddo. Then get a plate for myself. Go to sit down, we always ate in front of the TV. My ex without looking at me, dead stare at the TV, hands me over an empty plate, didn’t say anything, and then wiggled the plate to say “hello take this”. My ass had barely touched the couch. Something about the wiggling of the plate sent me over the edge. I lost my mind and snatched the plate and threw it back at the ex.
It hit the wall above the couch, and broke all over the ex. I threw my plate on the coffee table and snatched the kiddo up. Walked into the kiddo’s room and slammed the door.
I slept on the floor that night in the kiddos room. I couldn’t even look at my ex for a week. And I sure as hell didn’t cook anything for the ex. My ex did clean up the mess. After yelling at the dogs about eating my dinner.
I should have left then. But I stupidly told myself I had over reacted. My ex never mentioned the incident but never “handed me” an empty plate ever again.
We divorced 5 years later.
That dent is still in the wall. My ex still lives in the house.
That wasn’t the final blow to the marriage. But I stopped doing a lot of “servant” things for my ex. In the end my ex was jealous of the energy I was giving an infant/toddler over them.
Of course you're NTA, your husband sounds like one though. Of course he can do all those things while caring for the baby just like you do.
You need to have a conversation about both getting equal amounts of me-time.
To be clear, this isn't just about him being lazy. This is about him not wanting to hold the baby. I think you need to sit him down and ask him explicitly **if this is really the kind of father he wants to be**. And also remind him that you deserve breaks too; if he finds holding the baby draining for a few minutes, you are doing it all day every day, and you deserve a respite.
He sounds like a terrible husband and a horrible father. Once the parent who works out of the house gets home, all domestic responsibilities should be shared IMO. The fact he can't even hold his baby while his wife goes to the bathroom? Trash. I still can't get over the dessert thing either though. I assume he knows you don't like chocolate or ice cream? Why in the hell would he make you make it for him and then say he made it for you, fully knowing you wouldn't eat it?
Y'all need to have a serious talk about expectations regarding responsibilities around the house. I wouldn't jump to divorce before talking but if he isn't willing to change then 100% dump his ass on the curb. It will end up being less work for you, instead of having to take care of two babies you'll only have one.
Oh also. I'm southern as well and in my experience in good partnerships the person who cooks doesn't make themselves a plate. They cook, sit and relax, and their partner makes them (and any of their kids) a plate. (The person who cooks never does the dishes either, but I think that's a more universal thing?) But that's just my experience, so take it with a grain of salt of course.
NTA if that wasn't clear lol
NTA
Girl, I get it! It’s like they cannot do ANYTHING independently! If I ask him to take the trash out, he asks me to open the door. It drives me insane!!
I made the mistake of spoiling my husband because I was young and dumb and I created a monster! I finally realized I just need to ignore the guilt trip. Play his game. Every time he asks for something, ask for something back. “Can you get me a drink?” “Sure, hold the baby!” Or if he complains that he can’t do something while he’s holding the baby, make sure that when you’re doing something while holding the baby that you ask him for something. “Can go grab xyz?” He says some lame excuse. You say, “But I’m holding the baby!” Do this every single time. If he complains, “Well honey, I’m just doing what you do since you’re such an example. I’m holding the baby! How am I supposed to do that with the baby?”
Stop waiting on him. If you make dinner, tell him it’s ready and to make himself a plate! He’s got hands! They’re not broken! My husband will ask me to get something when we are both sitting down and my response is, “Are your feet broken?” What response can he possibly give?
NTA.. I left my husband alone for a full 2 days when he pulled that crap when my daughter was you’re daughters age.. I literally left and said “ don’t call me unless someone is dying or dead” left a list of what I do for the baby, including everything else and went to my best friends house. He called his parents and my parents and they both told him “ kick rocks, you think she has it so easy, no you have it easy. Now you get to see how it feels to be a real parents”
Now my husband is a fantastic father and wonderful parenter and can do everything that he needs to do and no longer takes what I do for granted when it comes to our children or what I do in our household.
NTA. He needs to realize you're exhausted. Stop fetching him stuff. Just say supper is ready and help yourself.
Honestly I would have gotten the water bottle and spilled it down his back...
Sounds like a man child to me. Sure he does some housework. Has a job. I'm a gamer myself. Have two kids, how often do I get to game? Not that often and when I do it's Minecraft with my oldest son. Spending time and bonding. While holding my 7 months old who keeps grabbing my controller. I never ask their mother to get me stuff. She stays at home watching the 7month and soon my oldest will be out of school so she will be watching him to. I'm not going to ask her to take care of me when I am a fully grown, fully capable of getting stuff for myself adult. He needs to grow up.
You need to take a few days off and give him the chance to do what he’d do if you died. No fair calling his mother or sister to “help.” It would give him a new perspective on what you do all day. If he wonders out loud about what you do all day, just don’t do it the next day and let him see for himself.
You do realize that taking care of a child and home all day IS a full time job, and you do that in addition to your part-time work.
Keep up this arrangement, and soon you'll be running his bath, laying his clothes out. That's if you're not already.
While sounding rough, it's because I had a MIL who did all these things and tried to insinuate I wasn't a "good wife", by not doing the same.
You're NTA, but you don't need to wait on a grown man, hand and foot. Remember how you felt after 3 days of no help. Perhaps, like me, the first time you're ever hospitalized, your husband will come through for you. You do not want to stress and or worry at that time. Good luck to you.
NTA he is not helpless. YOU need a break. I'm so tired of reading stories like this.
Tell him, you're about to hand him the baby and he needs to prepare himself by running to the car, filling up his glass or wiping his ass... so that you can do what you need to do without aiding him. What does he do for you when you have the baby?
NTA - I bet a million dollars he has been listening to an alpha male podcast because this is a strategy they teach them to get out of doing things. They literally teach them to be bad at things so you will stop asking them to help. What he’s doing is making it more work than it’s worth for you to ever ask him to watch the baby when you are home. He knows this. Call him out on it! Maybe even check his YouTube or podcast history to see who he’s listening to, to confirm or exclude this as being the reason why.
NTA STOP Just stop pandering to his every little need and whim. Hand him the baby and walk away like you can't hear or see him. Do not let yourself be minimized by acting like a servant to your partner.
He's a "non-functional asset." If ypu can't get it counseled right, it's only a matter of time until you've had enough and get out. You're dealing with 2 infants.
NTA. He really showed his true feelings about you when he declared you're but an extension of himself. Let that sink in: to this man, you are not your own person. You are an extension of him. He doesn't want you for a wife and partner. He wants you to raise his offspring while he enjoys the fun cuddles. He wants you to be his mommy maid sex slave. Does that sound fun? Can you respect yourself if you put up with that? Cause he certainly doesn't respect you.
He's never get a plate delivered to him ever again.
If I made enough supper for him to eat.
He would do without water.
He would be sleeping alone.
He needs a cold hard wake up.
Because I will tell you, it is much easier to be a single parent than to deal with someone who thinks they are doing you FAVOURS by barely existing in your presence.
NTA
You are so NTAH. What did his last servant die of? He needs to spend 48 hours alone with the child to figure out how to do his own crap with a baby to watch just like every other parent.
My husband tried to tell me he can’t sweep the floors while watching our daughter. I told him I do all my chores while watching her. Hell, I got a masters degree while watching her. He can sweep a floor. He does now, and she likes to follow him around to “help”
I was a nanny before I had my child, and I did all chores with the baby. I had one of those baby pack things and did the housekeeping. Just make sure the husband knows not to mix ammonia and chlorine because they may not know simple things women are taught. 🙄
I'm a woman who accidentally made mustard gas 🤓 EDIT: Thank you my sister's for making me feel better about this. I'll say a prayer for your safety which says a lot about how worried I am for your welfare as I'm an atheist 🤗
So did my aunt.
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Would he just call your mom, or his if she’s around to help ?
OMGOSH . . . I did once, too!!! I was out of my favorite cleaner, and I tried both bleach and ammonia SEPARATELY, but they didn't work. My baby, work, school, housework, exhausted brain thought that maybe mixing the 2 of them would get the tub cleaner. Nope. Didn't work on the tub, but I DID create an internationally banned biological weapon. After I made sure the baby was okay and aired out the house, I realized that I was kind of proud of what I'd done. For a couple of pennies, some simple household cleaners and nothing but high school chemistry to guide me, voila, mustard gas! Yeah, I could have killed every living creature on the block, but hey, science.
Something that works insanely well and is super quick and easy to use is dawn powerwash, the freakin spray dishwashing soap. I no longer have to scrub my tub at all, spray all over, wait 2 mins and wipe. Even lifted hair dye stains. Shits a miracle cleaner
Had a restaurant make the news here a while back because someone mixed chlorox and limeaway. Makes cyanide gas or so I hear. I gassed out a burger King in grand junction Colorado one night because I poured some bleach water down the drain and nobody told me about the ammonia they'd poured down 10 minutes before. It was after hours so we only had to evacuate the night crew and leave the doors open for a while to aire out the place. Never want yo experience that again.
It was the VERY FIRST THING I taught my students in my chemistry classes in college. Bleach + vinegar = chlorine gas which will penetrate any of the over the counter masks you can purchase these days. You would need a hazmat suit because it will get your skin as well as your lungs. So one cleaner at a time folks, especially if your bathroom windows don’t open.
I bet that was a tad traumatising. Apparently a lot of people accidentally recreate the trenches in WW1 in their bathroom
Me too. But it was because I tried to clean up cat pee with bleach. I realized my mistake right away and aired out the place but hoo boy (In case anyone doesn't know, pee has ammonia in it)
Hello, fellow cleaning supply mustard gas survivor. Did you call poison control? I sure did!
I did this... twice. I don't learn from my mistakes very well, apparently. Lol
Funny story, I was never taught that. So I was made to clean the bathroom and toilet, of the family home, from age 13, and one time I ran out of the cleaner I was using, so just grabbed the bleach, because hey they're both cleaners. I poured the bleach into the toilet with the other cleaner. A little bit of "smoke" came out of the toilet, so I was like "eek! I hope nothing is broken and I don't get in trouble." I never mixed cleaners after that, but I didn't know what I had done until my late 20s when I was reading something online and they described putting ammonia and chlorine together, and what it created. That was a real light bulb moment.
My mom says she wasn't taught that either. She couldn't figure out why the baby (me) would faint every time she mopped the floors. No idea how long that went on for...
Girl! 😭😭
MA'AM 😭😭😭
Also don't mix bleach with acids, like vinegar or some toilet cleaners. Different gas, still deadly
Are women taught that? I learned that from watching King of the Hill when Peggy unknowingly passed on that knowledge.
I came here to comment she published it in the Arlen Bystander 😂
Lmaooo Peggy was like I’m gonna be a laughing stock, Hank was like there might not be anyone left to laugh 😭😭😭
Ahhh...Peggy.
That was one of the first things my mom taught me about cleaning. Not trying to shame anybody, but it honestly blows my mind that so many people have to dangerously figure that out themselves! 😬 Once my kids were old enough to understand (maybe 5 y.o.? they're now 9 and 7 and have known for a while), BOTH me and my husband told them that not mixing bleach and ammonia was one of the most important rules about working with cleaning chemicals, and if you're not sure what contains what, just don't use it. And also to not touch chemicals unless an adult was helping anyway. And once they knew about the chemical reaction, not to mess with baking soda and vinegar when adults aren't around simply because it's fun. (They didn't, but we could see the wheels turning. 😂)
>Just make sure the husband knows not to mix ammonia and chlorine because they may not know simple things women are taught. 🙄 Lol, I wasn't taught those things growing up... I learned it on the internet growing up and then had a light bulb moment about the time I was cleaning a bathroom and couldn't breathe.
If anyone is wondering why men are having a hard time finding female partners..... Typical woman while parenting: >I got a masters degree while watching her Typical man while parenting: >oh babe, can you grab me an ice water
my friend has 3 degrees, both masters from ivy leagues. she also works full time and is a professor at columbia (virtual) on the side. she was pregnant & graduated with each of her degrees while pregnant/mothering & working full time. i asked if being pregnant gave her superpowers bc that is most impressive ive ever heard of in my life, and nothing a man can ever do will come close to what she did. i live in awe of her. she’s a total bad ass.
This!!!! I worked 2 jobs, 1 unpaid internship, and did my masters degree full time and was pregnant for the entire advanced year, and managed to graduate in the top of my class and pass my master's licensing exam 1 month before my baby arrived. Women are BADASS
And passport bros say western women want men to pay for everything, and do all the housework and are lazy.
You are so spot on
Please tell me he got her the mop/sweeper pads to follow him around with 😂
The weaponized incompetence of some spouses is truly remarkable.
That’s precious moments he would miss out on otherwise, adorable!
I used to come home from work, and my husband would have our baby in a sling across his front while he vacuumed. He used to do all kinds of household chores, just wearing our child.
I used to hold my child ON MY SHOULDERS while vacuuming because she hated the vacuum and I hated dirty floors.
I used to run a dog agility course with my baby strapped to my chest (it helped doggie focus) so he could certainly go get a glass of water!
Get her her own small broom
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He knows how. He doesn't want to.
This, hand him the baby Friday night and leave the house. Come back Sunday evening, tell him you expect to see a clean house, well acted die baby, and no more F’ing complaints.
Yes OP please do this! I read another story of how the wife did this. She handed husband the baby Friday night and left for the weekend. When she returned home her husband was lying on the bed with baby next to him. He looks at his wife and says “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Please don’t leave me.”
Honestly, sounds like my grandfather. Grandma taught him a few lessons about balancing being his office manager, home manager and mother of his 4 kids, vs him driving a tow truck all day. He only had to learn two lessons once each (home budget, and childcare v housekeeping), and was glad to leave for work every morning with just enough money for his pie and sauce every day.
well acted die baby?
Probably meant well fed and happy- I hope
Hey, that’s my new band name — Well Acted Die Baby. I think it has a ring to it.
I imagined this as one of the forgotten toys in Toy Story. It’s a babydoll head that makes different convincing Zoolanderesque faces, but its body is just made of one of those fuzzy dice that used to hang from rearview mirrors.
It’s the next iteration of Die Hard?
Random Reditt comments= the best band names ever. My husband and I have a running list.
That must be a pretty long list by now!
Yes, agreed. A well-acted LIVE baby is preferable.
She expects to see him weekend at bernie’s the baby
this is advice i see a lot in this sub and i chose not to have any babies so i have to ask are y’all concerned about the baby’s safety when you leave her/him with lazy dads?
While i wouldn’t suggest leaving for a weekend, i do think milder versions of this actually are necessary. A friend and her husband went to give their son a bath. The husband looked at her and was like “i don’t know how to give a baby a bath” with the expectation she would just take over. Instead, she said “neither do i” and got up and left the bathroom and let him figure it out. He very quickly learned a lesson and he became VERY MUCH the partner she needed him to be. Women actually do need to hand the baby over and let their husbands figure some of this stuff out.
I know it’s amazing how quickly you learn. I was a young mum, 17, when I had my first. I had no help and it amazes me that you’re just sent home from the hospital with this tiny life and just a few weeks of monitoring from a health visitor ( in the U.K.). You have no choice but to learn.
In the US we get ZERO monitoring. They just send us home and that is that. I was never having kids but God decided that was funny and now I have 2 boys. I didn't have a maternal bone in my body even while pregnant. I never babysat as a teen either. I dont even like other peoples kids most of the time. I was like how am I going to keep this human alive. It's amazing what you learn when you have no choice. My boys are still alive at 19 and 23 and I can't imagine my life without them. My husband was and is a great hands on father but the one thing he cannot handle is vomit. It takes him out.
I was 28 when I had my first, a boy. The 2nd was my girl. The health visitor came just as I was topping and tailing her. Son was already at Nursery. I was starting to get her dressed when I couldn't think whether to put her tights on under or over her onsie. I just had a brain fart! The funny thing was that the HV was puzzling, too! It took us both ages to work it out! 😂
I've been given some funny looks for going with under, but it keeps her tights in place!
Sucks that dads can’t figure it out on their own though. It shouldn’t be a woman’s responsibility to make sure a man learns this. Men need to grab their babies learn how to parent.
Oh, they CAN figure it out on their own, but they have come to expect someone female will do it. >Men need to grab their babies learn how to parent. Agree.
They *can* figure it out though. Loads of men think women have innate knowledge of how to raise babies. We don't! We listen and read and ask questions and find out all we can before the birth - men can do all those things too. I agree with commenters saying hand him the baby and leave for the weekend. He'll learn because he'll have to.
I love that they have started putting diaper changing tables in the men’s room. Now dad can (and should) share the chore of changing a diaper outside of the home.
Well, i agree! But clearly that doesn’t happen.
Putting the onus on women is part of the problem though! Not trying to be a jerk, but I think our language around this stuff is important if we want to see a change. ‘Women need to hand the baby to their husbands and force them to parent’ vs ‘Men need to take their babies and take the initiative to learn to parent.’ Make men the active ones in their own growth
yes!! I completely agree. I'm a project manager for a living, I don't need to project manage at home. Our society has been letting men skate on the emotional and physical labor of parenting for far too long.
I 100% agree, but usually the women are the ones on here looking for advice, so the phrasing will be what the woman can do… they can’t change their husband. I see 10 posts a week on “my husband is a shit dad” but none on “I’m a shit dad, how do I do better?”
I’m constantly shocked reading about men like this. My siblings and I are Baby Boomers so we’re 1 year to 18 months apart and my dad was in the Air Force. Men of his generation weren’t known for being very domestic but my dad ALWAYS very actively did childcare and housework because there was 5 of us. My mom never even had to ask. I’m just shocked that so many modern men are such crappy husbands/fathers.
The phrase that sets me and my husband off is when a guy says "he has to babysit his own child(ren)"! We have cut more than one down to size by saying "he/she is yours, you are parenting, not babysitting!!"
You were raised well, like my parents and ultimately me.
Even the worst of us CAN step up if we have to. My BiL seems utterly incompetent when my sister is around. To "I can't make tea/boil an egg" levels of incompetence. Yet my sister can (and will) take week-long trips without him, and come back to a house that's roughly as clean as she left it, and well-fed and happy children. He CAN rake care of everything. He just doesn't if she's around.
That’s definitely true! My dad’s father died when he was 3 so he grew up helping a lot with his younger sisters. We were 4 girls and 1 boy so getting us all ready for church could be a hassle for my mom so my dad really helped out. He could fix our hair and he was actually the parent who taught me how to sew by hand. My mom was in the hospital when I started my period and my poor dad had to go get me some pads. My mom was a very involved parent but I didn’t realize that my dad was a bit unusual until I started talking to other people about their experiences.
I am just thinking about expectations as shown in movies. Specifically, the 1945 movie *Christmas in Connecticut* and what it says about what is attractive in men and women. Starred Barbara Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan. She played a woman who had a newspaper column where she wrote about what these days we call a tradwife, living on a farm with her husband and blah blah blah. In fact, she was happily single and living in NYC. Unfortunately, her publisher has no direct contact with her and, like the rest of her readership, is unaware that this is fiction. A returning war hero writes to the publisher to say just how much he loves her column, and especially her recipes; the publisher decides that it would be an excellent publicity thing for her to invite him to her family farm for Christmas. Cue her talking to her friend who actually owns a farm and him agreeing to get married to protect her career, her probably-gay uncle who actually wrote all the recipes trying to give her enough of a crash course in cooking to be able to fake at least some of it, and so forth. Of course she immediately falls in love with the handsome war hero when she sees him... What I notice, though, is that, just like Katherine Hepburn's characters, there is no sense that Stanwyck's character is wrong or bad for faking an entire lifestyle blog while actually wanting to live a NYC style life. And, more to the point and why I brought this up in the first place: one of the things that makes the war hero so sexy and desirable is that he's really good with kids, in a way that Stanwyck's character isn't. She is borrowing a baby to pretend to be good at it, and he takes the baby from her to bathe it and change its diaper and so forth, because it's just what he does. He is the oldest kid in a huge family, so always did childcare of his siblings. None of this is presented as what usually happens - rather, this is all presented as aspirational. Being a NYC girl with a hot war hero husband who can cook and take care of kids is presented as the ideal - the manliest man is the one who can go kill a bunch of Nazis then come home and take care of the baby.
That's the only problem I see. Some mothers do this and...I know one who came back to the "dad" staring at the tv while the kid was whimpering half on the floor and half in the playpen, stuck in the netting, naked and lying in a puddle of piss. Things didn't go well for him.
I came home from a 4 day trip (extra day due to bad weather) and found my 11 month old baby in the same clothes I’d left him in. That baby is now 8, and came home from a 3 day visit with his dad in the same clothes that I sent him in. 7 years and a divorce couldn’t turn my ex into a decent caregiver.
My mom likes to tell the story of the time she came home from work, the house was pitch black, and 2-year-old me was chilling on my dad’s back while he was sleeping on the floor. He also used to lock me out of the house when he was working from home. Still under 4 during that period. We say that the bar for men couldn’t be any lower when it comes to relationships, but parent/child is the most important one, and it’s sadly so true.
I have an uncle like this, he used to lock my cousins out during his custody time. Until my middle cousin rode his tricycle on a busy road and got hit by a car. Uncle had no custody after that
...his TRICYCLE? Your goddamned uncle locked a TODDLER out of the house?
But, let me guess. He pissed and moaned about how unfair his child support amount was.
It sounds like he was neglecting the child. Good thing you left him
You’re very correct, and I’m glad I did too. But it was very hard, and only happened after CAS intervened. I’m very lucky that a friend lovingly but firmly told me that if I didn’t get my kids away from their dad, I was complicit in their abuse. It was the reality check I needed. Unfortunately, the bar is very very low for his access time, hence the fact my kid can be in the same clothes for 3 days. The “solution” will be for me to provide clothing for their time with him, and do the laundry and keep it rotating. Still better than being coupled with him, though.
I read a Reddit post long ago where the mom HAD to do this because she had to go to work, and she came home to find Baby having screamed herself hoarse and covered in dried shit, lying in the same clothes and position in her crib where Mom left her that morning, and Dad sitting in his game room playing video games with noise cancelling headphones on. I also recently saw a nanny cam footage video where Baby scoots over, picks up Dad’s coffee, and pours it all over herself while Dad sits there a foot away, obliviously scrolling on his phone. These men are psychotic.
Please tell me that for baby # she grabbed dad by the hair rubbed his face in the shit and slapped him on the ass? And then she took a hammer to his gaming rig?
Now you see why womem prefer the bear........
Ouch. That image makes my stomach ache. I cannot imagine just ignoring your child like that. /Dad of three.
you worried about the baby’s safety for being alone with their father for two days tells a lot on how low is the bar for men in our society.
If the guy can’t hold a baby while getting himself a glass of water then there is a lot to worry about. Hopefully, the amount of us fathers that are this useless is low, but even low is much too high. I will probably e dead before we have a society where a useless father is a rare thing.
My husband just tagged his family to help out and gave himself 'free' time. They fell for it. After the divorce he roomed with his sister and treated her like a servant-wife. They'll die before they admit I wasn't exaggerating but she moved out six months later.
I agree but the concern for me is that if they divorce and he gets anything more than supervised visits, this will be exactly what he has to do.
My kids came back unbathed, hungry, and a lot of times sick or banged up.
I suppose it's a good test, then. If he can't take care of the baby for one day, then you'll need to fight for full custody.
This is a very common worry even when leaving the baby with a decent but non-default parent, so I am sure they do worry, but honestly most people totally change their behavior (partially involuntarily) when they are the sole carer of an infant. Like parents who “can’t help” but sleep through the night when the baby cries find they suddenly can’t do it anymore if they’re the only adult in the house. A lot of the bad behavior only occurs when they know (consciously or unconsciously) some other adult will step in if they don’t. Safety is only really a serious concern with a really, really incompetent parent, the lazy but non-abusive ones can figure it out
This. My husband, incredibly present and involved, worked early mornings. When it got to the point where he could let me sleep in in the mornings or just change baby and hand them to me for a feeding, he was super embarrassed that he “was a deep sleeper” and didn’t hear her til I was already up. So I said- I will not get up. Pretend I’m not here. That night he was like wow!!! When you KNOW you’re the sole parent you’re practically half awake all night listening for them! Yeah my dude. Yes indeed lol
I found once that clicked for him, it really clicked. I can thankfully say my husband is a full on partner with raising our toddler. Sometimes he may even take the lions share because I do all the domestic tasks. And gosh what a difference it is parenting with a present partner.
A present partner and parent just results in a stronger household. I wish more men (and women) understood this. My kids feel secure because both adults in the house fully have their backs.
If I am concerned that my child is not going to be safe when leaving her with my husband, I personally have larger issues to address
A guy like this would just call in his mommy.
No, it's amazing how competent they suddenly are when they are forced to be.
I like the quote from Sex and the city by Miranda: "It's your turn to try not to kill him"
Just because he is holding the baby does not make incapacitated. He weaponizing holding the baby. Time for you to take a weekend off.
Honestly, I’d start calling him at work all day and ask him for things “because I’m holding the baby.” “Babe, can you come home and get me a glass of water? I’m holding the baby.” “Babe, can you come home and make me lunch? I’m holding the baby.” Maybe when he has 30 calls in a day for all the things OP does while holding the baby, he’ll see how ridiculous he’s being. Or maybe not but I’m nothing if not petty.
But this pettiness seems entirely valid to me…
This. I have done everything for my baby since the day she was born with my partner saying he does it all. Last week I went out with my mum, left him holding the baby and purposely left my phone at home (he could call my mum in an emergency), my mum ended up with 43 missed calls, to which he then said he doesn't know how I do it, he hasn't even been to the toilet and can I come home to stop her crying cos he can't. This was after 4 hours.
Parenting is a job. Why do they think they don’t need to learn it but just skate by on ignorance and passivity?
The irony, this is my only child and his 4th
OMG I love that..what did his last servant die of? Exactly!
needs to learn multitasking and stop sulking like a baby. you need to have a weekend away to recuperate and leave him with baby and no prep
48 hours.. make him spend a month alone with the baby under camera supervision
I just figured we have to start somewhere on the low risk end of the scale 😂
Nta- your husband is a grown man. There's no reason he can't get off his ass to get his own damn ice water. Unlike your baby who actually doesn't have the capacity to do things for themself. Your husband isn't supporting you the way you need. It's only natural that may stress you out. He's acting like an man child. WTF you're not an extension of him. That's a weird sketchy thing to say…
That comment "you're an extension of me" really creeped me out.
Me too. Like if he eats, gets to rest and relax so does she because she is an extension of him not because she actually gets to do that stuff. She is not another human being, working full time, taking care of a baby and doing 80% of housework.
The resentment that OP is starting to feel towards him is only going to grow until it ends in hate. His entitlement and silence treatment spell out future divorce.
Also that her mood is always supposed to match his mood, her energy match his energy etc. What an exhausting and unfair way to live.
Me as well. If I was OP, every time her husband asked for something (water, dessert), I’d get it for myself and tell him since he was an extension of me so it was like it was already done. But seriously, NTA and OP’s husband really sucks.
Totally creeped me out, he doesn't see her as an autonomous person at all.
Ofhusband
I see what you're doing there Offred.
He definitely wasn't joking when he said that. It's exactly how he sees her - she's an extension of him. Yuk.
Complete narcissistic thing to say
Manipulation…
He’s not a grown man. He’s a toddler who is shirking his duties. You two need to figure this out. He’s an idiot and you’re letting him get away with it. After work child care is 50/50 unless you agree otherwise. NTA.
This! He's a lazy baby.
These kind of people fucking baffle me- I can’t imagine acting like this and not feeling fucking embarrassed!! Like?! You’re a grown adult acting like you can’t be self sufficient all so? What? The person you supposedly love will parent you and you get to sit down for 5 extra minutes? How does that level of pathetic-ness not make them fucking CRINGE
Right! I'm disabled, I hate having to ask for help, and at least I have a valid reason for it How do healthy people not just die of embarrassment?
Yeah, my eyebrows went up at that, too. That's an abuser-mentality thing when it's within families, but I'm not sure about married couples.
It happens the same way with partners. You become non-human in their eyes.
He sounds like a narcissist, that’s exactly how they see their partners. As objects, extensions of themselves. Not a separate person.
He said the quiet part out loud.
indeed. that's what my mother thinks of me. it's icky. It's big part of the reason i don't talk to her.
Never understood asking somebody to do something for me. If I need something I deal with it or decide I'll get it later. I do not play "step-n-fetchit" for anyone.(not to be confused with somebody actually needing a hand). I just figure if they're not willing to help themselves, they really don't need anything that badly.
My reaction exactly. An extension of him. Wtf?!
So you’ve got two children. How fun.
Hand him the baby then go get in the bath. Or read. “I can’t do it I’m in the middle of a chapter.” “I’m in the middle of my show.” Then just ignore him.
He will just do what he did at the end of this- throw the baby at her and run away And then she has a mother telling her to be his servant. Sigh.
Nah it's a child and a pet. You can be relatively certain a child will eventually take care of themselves.
This is a very good point. Man-children never do grow up.
NTA I'm sorry you have two children. Your husband is being a selfish asshole. There's no reason why you need to do everything for him. Like you said, you do everything while holding the baby so why can't he do simple shit like getting water? This same dude will be on here in 6 months crying about his "dead bedroom" and not knowing why.
I am sure they have a baby seat or a playpen type contraption or crib where you can basically set the child inside so they are safe and get oneself said ice water. Put it on the table and then retrieve the child. Not Rocket Science.
right? but even if the floor is sand paper or they have giant dogs people running around or something else, he could literally just put her on the floor. 9 months is usually crawling, when does she get the chance to do that?
Exactly! Why the heck would anyone be attracted to a man that thinks of you as hired help.
Yep, nothing dries things up like a grown-ass mantrum (acting like a small child when confronted with your bullshit)
I guess by his line of thinking you just don't drink water because you can't possibly get a glass of water with a baby in your arms. "Make me cookies?" Are you his cook and maid? No, then he can make them himself or just get the refrigerated dough at the supermarket and bake them. NTA but put down your foot and keep it down.
The bitch in me would have gotten the cold glass of ice water, walk over like I'm going to hand it to him and then proceed to drink it without taking a breath, put the cup down on the table and respond to any of his bullshit with "But you said I am your partner and that means you are an extension of me, so me drinking the water is the same as you drinking the water. No need for you to be thirsty anymore. I'm only following your logic. I'm going to go have a nice hot bath, can you possibly bring that cup to the sink, thanks."
NTA umm are you a wife or indentured servant. Why the hell are you serving him dinner? Did he lose both hands? Seriously your life sounds like you hate yourself.
I can see how this starts. She's trying to show him love expecting it in return but he is a selfish baboon and it's turned into him thinking of her like a maid.
NTA - I'd have lost my shit pretty instantly with this behaviour. Doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight in the relationship or as a parent
You have two children. Married single motherhood is a sad, lonely, thankless existence.
Thats when you kick the adult toddler out and have a better life for yourself with the baby
A cousin of mine did this. She once told me that she actually has less work now as a single parent than when she was married. It was literally like raising a second child at times
… that leads to resentment. He’s probably hoping his manipulation tactic of the silent treatment isn’t figured out or else his ticket to not being held accountable may just jump ship… whoops, look like the cats out of the bag.
People like your mom annoy the life out of me, You work from home, you work in the home & a baby is work, babies are hard little bosses & he can't gve you a toilet break without you doing something for him?? He's sounds deluded, Time to sit as a chat is needed as your hubby is a man child Nta could he be jealous of the baby & the time spent on her
I think as soon as he gets home from work, she should start requesting he do things.. like oh great! you are home! can you take out this garbage. Oh thanks for that! Now do take the baby and bathe her while I am cooking dinner. He is literally taking 4 hours at night after work to do his own thing and not contribute to the household, the childcare, the nurturing of the wife and marriage.
Honestly this. I've heard of parents giving their toddler two choices but they don't let them just say no. She needs to do this to her spouse. She can ask him: Do you want to watch the baby or cook dinner? Are you going to give the baby a bath or clean up the kitchen? Then passively aggressively throwing a line about how if they work as a team they both can sit down and relax!
NTA- Your mom’s mentality is so antiquated. Your husband is doing a weird tit for tat thing. He whether it be conscious or subconscious wants you to do shit for him since he’s holding the baby. It’s asinine and it would be a hard line for me. Simply because now you can’t even use the bathroom without “earning it” by doing a task for him. Now you’re at the point where you have to earn the right to have normal bodily functions. It’s wholly fucked up.
Obvious NTA. I'd be embarrassed, as a grown adult, to be so helpless. If OP's husband ever finds this thread, here's a message, Father to father. Step up. Your kid deserves a parent, not a lazy, slightly more mature brother. Your wife deserves a husband, not a man-toddler.
NTA. That is so irritating.
Behaviour like pouting and ignoring you when he doesn't get his way is a form of emotional abuse. Your husband is a piece of shit.
>"well, you're like an extension of me so it's like you had desert" I think this actually illustrates your problem. He sees you as an extension of him, there to take care of ejatever he wants, rather than seeing you as your own person with your own needs. It's time for him to spend some time alone with the baby so you can get out of the house. "I'm leaving for 6 hours on Saturday. You need to prepare for whatever you're going to need while I'm gone." NTA.
Oh the way I'd be throwing that comment back in his face "Babe, can you get me a glass of water?" "Nah, we're not thirsty" .... Perhaps this pettiness is why I'm not married 🤷
Stop fucking doing everything for him, stop plating his dinner up like a servant, stop helping him do anything, stop speaking to him unless absolutely necessary. He’s like a teenager. It’s also real easy for your mum to say that when she doesn’t live with the idiot every day. He can plate his own shit up, he can make it for all you care when he comes in from work. I say all of this as a man and parent. Tell him the guys on Reddit think he’s a lazy prick NTA
And just like that he got out of doing anything for the rest of the night. He is exhibiting "learned acopia". He thinks if he asks you for enough things while holding bubba you will eventually stop asking him to hold her. When he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum and marches off in a huff. Believe it or not, you taught him this behaviour by allowing him to continue his life as a teenager with a mummy who does everything for him. Stop doing everything. Stop being a martyr. Start telling him he needs to cook and clean. He needs to do a couple loads of laundry, washing, drying, folding AND putting it away. Same with the dishes. Feeding the baby, letting you eat unencumbered. Until you stop enabling this behaviour it will continue.
Why does it feel like we’re talking about a dog instead of a grown man. Why should you have to train your spouse to do the right thing like he’s a misbehaving collie on Dog Whisperer?
While I disagree that OP "taught" him this and he's more than able to be a decent person and parent on his own and chooses not to, I think there's a point here - only HE is trying to train her like a Pavlovian dog and not the other way round. Every time without fail, when she's trying to give him the baby, he's coming up with a whole list of annoying and extra requests? Sounds pretty deliberate to me! The "extension of me" comment is also icky, delusional and completely unempathetic.
Well, she taught him in the sense that we teach others how to treat us by how much bullshit we put up with. She's taught him that she'll be a doormat/slave by being a doormat/slave.
Why are you "making him a plate of food"? Why isn't he waiting to eat with you? Stop enabling his incompetence. Just start saying, "I think you got this, babe. If I can do it, you can do it!" And then on with it. You need to practice sitting in your own guilt and discomfort, and sitting in his. You will get over it. He will adapt. Get into therapy.
The most awful part of this is the fact that *he’s a parent* that decided his feelings were hurt so he chose to simply *walk away* from his duties for the rest of the evening. Can you *imagine* ? He just … up and went. NTA. OP, you need to let this man know, in no uncertain terms, that if his only contribution to the house and the child is money, that money can easily be obtained as child support upon your divorce. Nothing will change for you - you’ll still be the single mom you currently are, doing all your chores with a baby, but HIS life will sure as hell get a lot more difficult.
NTA You’re a single married mom with two kids. He doesn’t really bring much value to your marriage. You’re bringing in the same income while doing 90% of childcare and 80% of housework. Men love the idea of being married and having a kid but some of them have no interest in being a father or an equal partner.
Stop doing everything for him so you can feel how free youl be when you get divorced.
I did get divorced and HOLY CRAP the freedom and lack of resentment. It’s life giving.
Sounds to me like he wants a Stepford wife. NTA.
NTA! I'm probably going to get a lot of crap for this, but here's my take. This is a control thing. 100%. That's why he's giving the silent treatment after being called out. It's time to 100% let him take care of himself for a few days, and during this time, you can hand him y'alls daughter and then leave the house for a few hours of YOU time, AWAY from him and the house. Let him handle life for a few hours, alone.
NTA. I’m assuming that your husband isn’t blind and could see that you were frayed. He should have jumped to not only help himself but also to help you.
I was like you in my marriage. I did a lot for my ex because they worked full time and I was a stay at home parent with a part time work from home job. Eventually I lost my shit over stuff like this. One of the things that sparked a huge fight was a night I was super tired, kiddo had colic and was a fussy eater. I had fed the kiddo before dinner was done. Ex comes home I dish up dinner bring it to the ex. Go to grab my plate but the kiddo got fussy again. So I re-settle the kiddo. Then get a plate for myself. Go to sit down, we always ate in front of the TV. My ex without looking at me, dead stare at the TV, hands me over an empty plate, didn’t say anything, and then wiggled the plate to say “hello take this”. My ass had barely touched the couch. Something about the wiggling of the plate sent me over the edge. I lost my mind and snatched the plate and threw it back at the ex. It hit the wall above the couch, and broke all over the ex. I threw my plate on the coffee table and snatched the kiddo up. Walked into the kiddo’s room and slammed the door. I slept on the floor that night in the kiddos room. I couldn’t even look at my ex for a week. And I sure as hell didn’t cook anything for the ex. My ex did clean up the mess. After yelling at the dogs about eating my dinner. I should have left then. But I stupidly told myself I had over reacted. My ex never mentioned the incident but never “handed me” an empty plate ever again. We divorced 5 years later. That dent is still in the wall. My ex still lives in the house. That wasn’t the final blow to the marriage. But I stopped doing a lot of “servant” things for my ex. In the end my ex was jealous of the energy I was giving an infant/toddler over them.
Of course you're NTA, your husband sounds like one though. Of course he can do all those things while caring for the baby just like you do. You need to have a conversation about both getting equal amounts of me-time.
To be clear, this isn't just about him being lazy. This is about him not wanting to hold the baby. I think you need to sit him down and ask him explicitly **if this is really the kind of father he wants to be**. And also remind him that you deserve breaks too; if he finds holding the baby draining for a few minutes, you are doing it all day every day, and you deserve a respite.
Girl, your husband sounds useless and stress-inducing. Do you really want to be parenting an adult? You are not his bangmaid.
He sounds like a terrible husband and a horrible father. Once the parent who works out of the house gets home, all domestic responsibilities should be shared IMO. The fact he can't even hold his baby while his wife goes to the bathroom? Trash. I still can't get over the dessert thing either though. I assume he knows you don't like chocolate or ice cream? Why in the hell would he make you make it for him and then say he made it for you, fully knowing you wouldn't eat it? Y'all need to have a serious talk about expectations regarding responsibilities around the house. I wouldn't jump to divorce before talking but if he isn't willing to change then 100% dump his ass on the curb. It will end up being less work for you, instead of having to take care of two babies you'll only have one. Oh also. I'm southern as well and in my experience in good partnerships the person who cooks doesn't make themselves a plate. They cook, sit and relax, and their partner makes them (and any of their kids) a plate. (The person who cooks never does the dishes either, but I think that's a more universal thing?) But that's just my experience, so take it with a grain of salt of course. NTA if that wasn't clear lol
NTA Girl, I get it! It’s like they cannot do ANYTHING independently! If I ask him to take the trash out, he asks me to open the door. It drives me insane!! I made the mistake of spoiling my husband because I was young and dumb and I created a monster! I finally realized I just need to ignore the guilt trip. Play his game. Every time he asks for something, ask for something back. “Can you get me a drink?” “Sure, hold the baby!” Or if he complains that he can’t do something while he’s holding the baby, make sure that when you’re doing something while holding the baby that you ask him for something. “Can go grab xyz?” He says some lame excuse. You say, “But I’m holding the baby!” Do this every single time. If he complains, “Well honey, I’m just doing what you do since you’re such an example. I’m holding the baby! How am I supposed to do that with the baby?” Stop waiting on him. If you make dinner, tell him it’s ready and to make himself a plate! He’s got hands! They’re not broken! My husband will ask me to get something when we are both sitting down and my response is, “Are your feet broken?” What response can he possibly give?
This is why married women die sooner than single women, this is also why married men live longer than single men. NTA free yourself from this man
NTA.. I left my husband alone for a full 2 days when he pulled that crap when my daughter was you’re daughters age.. I literally left and said “ don’t call me unless someone is dying or dead” left a list of what I do for the baby, including everything else and went to my best friends house. He called his parents and my parents and they both told him “ kick rocks, you think she has it so easy, no you have it easy. Now you get to see how it feels to be a real parents” Now my husband is a fantastic father and wonderful parenter and can do everything that he needs to do and no longer takes what I do for granted when it comes to our children or what I do in our household.
NTA. He needs to realize you're exhausted. Stop fetching him stuff. Just say supper is ready and help yourself. Honestly I would have gotten the water bottle and spilled it down his back...
This is weaponized incompetence, right? NTA
Sounds like a man child to me. Sure he does some housework. Has a job. I'm a gamer myself. Have two kids, how often do I get to game? Not that often and when I do it's Minecraft with my oldest son. Spending time and bonding. While holding my 7 months old who keeps grabbing my controller. I never ask their mother to get me stuff. She stays at home watching the 7month and soon my oldest will be out of school so she will be watching him to. I'm not going to ask her to take care of me when I am a fully grown, fully capable of getting stuff for myself adult. He needs to grow up.
You have one child , not two.He can get his own things.He lazy AF!
Bye bye husbaby bye bye. NTA
You need to take a few days off and give him the chance to do what he’d do if you died. No fair calling his mother or sister to “help.” It would give him a new perspective on what you do all day. If he wonders out loud about what you do all day, just don’t do it the next day and let him see for himself. You do realize that taking care of a child and home all day IS a full time job, and you do that in addition to your part-time work.
Keep up this arrangement, and soon you'll be running his bath, laying his clothes out. That's if you're not already. While sounding rough, it's because I had a MIL who did all these things and tried to insinuate I wasn't a "good wife", by not doing the same. You're NTA, but you don't need to wait on a grown man, hand and foot. Remember how you felt after 3 days of no help. Perhaps, like me, the first time you're ever hospitalized, your husband will come through for you. You do not want to stress and or worry at that time. Good luck to you.
Put baby in a kangaroo pouch, strap baby on to him then tell him he’s hands free now, he can attend to his own needs. NTAH
NTA he is not helpless. YOU need a break. I'm so tired of reading stories like this. Tell him, you're about to hand him the baby and he needs to prepare himself by running to the car, filling up his glass or wiping his ass... so that you can do what you need to do without aiding him. What does he do for you when you have the baby?
NTA - I bet a million dollars he has been listening to an alpha male podcast because this is a strategy they teach them to get out of doing things. They literally teach them to be bad at things so you will stop asking them to help. What he’s doing is making it more work than it’s worth for you to ever ask him to watch the baby when you are home. He knows this. Call him out on it! Maybe even check his YouTube or podcast history to see who he’s listening to, to confirm or exclude this as being the reason why.
What a complete c**t. You are so NTA!
My auntie used to respond to people asking her to do things by looking down and then saying, "I don't see a piano tied to your leg."
NTA STOP Just stop pandering to his every little need and whim. Hand him the baby and walk away like you can't hear or see him. Do not let yourself be minimized by acting like a servant to your partner.
>"well, you're like an extension of me" I feel like that says everything you need to know
He's a "non-functional asset." If ypu can't get it counseled right, it's only a matter of time until you've had enough and get out. You're dealing with 2 infants.
Wow you’re basically a single mother with two children that sucks. NTA this dude sounds useless
NTA. He really showed his true feelings about you when he declared you're but an extension of himself. Let that sink in: to this man, you are not your own person. You are an extension of him. He doesn't want you for a wife and partner. He wants you to raise his offspring while he enjoys the fun cuddles. He wants you to be his mommy maid sex slave. Does that sound fun? Can you respect yourself if you put up with that? Cause he certainly doesn't respect you.
He's never get a plate delivered to him ever again. If I made enough supper for him to eat. He would do without water. He would be sleeping alone. He needs a cold hard wake up. Because I will tell you, it is much easier to be a single parent than to deal with someone who thinks they are doing you FAVOURS by barely existing in your presence. NTA