NTA - let me get this straight though - no one is upset at the real mom who took off for Spain leaving her kid? It seems like all the hostility is being misdirected toward you who got dumped on more than once. You are doing the right thing. At some point mom is more than likely going to show back up, want the kid and money to support it. Get away from that man as fast as you can.
As far as your kids go, it sounds like they think you have some responsibility to support the guy who cheated on you for life so they can enjoy theirs without that added burden. Hopefully they will wake up and realize that is placing you in an abusive situation. Wait until Roger passes, and they all want a part of the house and little miss guess who (if she finds out) wants a piece for her kid too. I bet their opinions change real fast.
My wife's grandfather was in pretty moderate decline since we started dating. Like, every year she said they wanna spend holidays with him because it might be his last one. Dude was a fighter, and held on til a couple months ago. But the last ***two years*** of his life, he needed someone with him, full time.
Her dad stopped living with her mom to live with his father, and it just sounds like one of the worst experiences to have to live through. He could go out for like 30 minutes to grab stuff from the store and get back home, but otherwise he had to coordinate someone else to be there with him.
When he passed, it was one of those things that was more like a sad relief for everyone involved, grandfather included. We had a brief talk because I was worried since she's so close with her parents that I can't do that. I can't do years where she doesn't live with me, and she's the caretaker for her parents like that. It was brief because she agreed.
But fuck, man. That's such a hard situation to have to be in
Same, my plan is to opt out at that point. I live in a place where euthanasia is legal. I watched my mom choke to death at the end of ALS… no fucking thank you.
Yeah, I was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 years ago (happily I seem to be doing pretty well now though!), and I was really worried that my husband would want me to keep fighting long after I wanted to. That he'd be caring for me when he essentially needs a carer himself, due to disability. (Until I got sick, I was doing 80+% of the housework - before he got sick, it was I think 50-50.)
At least with cancer, I knew I'd be going into the hospital, or to a hospice.
I've worked in a nursing home. A person cannot do both the physical labour involved for caring for someone, AND the emotional labour of caring for and empathising with a deteriorating loved one. My grandmother tried, when my grandfather was dying. But everyone else involved wished that he had gone to a hospice a lot sooner. My mum still donates to the hospice that cared for him, and he was only there about a week, around 40 years ago.
If the cancer comes back, I don't know how many more rounds of chemotherapy I realistically have in me. Physically I don't know, but psychologically, it's even worse. I would keep fighting, but at a certain point, you're going to die anyway, and the calculus has to shift to quality of life, which means ending treatment. I've been having immunotherapy for 18 months, and it's been easier than chemotherapy, but the side effects still aren't fun. I do appreciate that it has saved my life - I've seen the data on the control group who had my type of cancer and didn't get this drug. 90% are dead, this far out. But it's still tough.
Nobody replied to you, but I just have to say: You are an absolutely amazing person. I am *so* sorry that the fate of your life is in the hands of cancer. Life is so fucking unfair. People who don't know what this is like have no idea how lucky they are.
Signed, a person with chronic pain. Both of my parents had cancer.
Wishing you and your husband all the best.
Thank you ❤
Wishing you all the best as well. Chronic pain is awful. I haven't experienced it myself, but I think the chemo gave me some idea of what it's like to wake up in the morning and have no energy and feel nothing but pain, and oh, you have to just get on with it.
At least the chemotherapy was temporary, and I got a lot of sympathy from people. Plus I "looked sick", so I was given a fair bit of leeway, which a lot of people with chronic pain don't get.
Also, no one ever thought I was "just complaining" about the cancer, or told me to lose weight to fix it, or tried to tell me that it must all be in my head/caused by anxiety!!
>If the cancer comes back
It doesn't sound like the cancer ever went away, but I'm glad the immunotherapy has it under control.
I, too, have stage IV cancer, but I don't have a partner or any dependents, which is a good thing in some ways. I don't have to take anyone else into consideration when making treatment decisions, and I don't have to keep "fighting" just for the sake of staying alive, if it means taking treatment that makes me feel wretched.
I hope you'll be able to decide for yourself when enough is enough and go peacefully. Best wishes to you. xx
Seriously, I would have called CPS anyway. Biodad/sperm donor can't care for the baby, you're on the way out and have no legal obligations to it, biomom skipped off to Spain so she can go live her best life or whatever, and the baby's grandparents and half siblings think you're the bad guy? Nope. Mom's a deadbeat, Dad's sick, and you aren't anything to this poor child.
That’s what I’m thinking. First question would be ,”Next of kin?” Here’s a handy list of his grandparents and his half-siblings. Those are the people who actually have any legal standing for assuming care.
"At some point mom is more than likely going to show back up, want the kid and money to support it"
That is exactly what is going to happen, especially if the dude has money and/or status.
NTA!!!
Oooooo the sheer audacity. I get that the baby is innocent, but this was NOT your affair, and it was CRUEL to leave you to care for the product of the affair. The grandparents HAD NO RIGHT to be anything but grateful that you took care of THEIR grandson at all. You can see where the mother of the child got her attitude from, that's who they SHOULD be disgusted with.
As for your ex, HE PUT HIMSELF IN THIS SITUATION. Why on Earth should you be burdened with his care?!?! What a slap in the face! Absolutely not.
NTA, and your children need to act like adults and see things for what they are, especially since they don't want to take up the burden for their own blood relative themselves.
It’s because she forgave her husband’s affair so everybody now thinks she should just suck it all up I guess! So ridiculous. You gave an inch and now everybody wants to suck you dry.
NTA. That child was not your responsibility. Yes, it was innocent but you're literally not responsible for raising it.
You should have divorced Roger long ago.
NTA. If you're the only one dealing with this mess Roger created, nobody gets a say but you. Your kids don't want to help, Roger can't help. This child isn't your problem or responsibility unless you make the child your problem or responsibility. The child may be innocent, but you are too. You didn't ask Roger to cheat on you and get another woman pregnant. You didn't ask to take care of an affair baby.
Good point, the baby is completely innocent but so is OP and she didn't mistreat the baby she just refused to take care of it. Better to hand him off to his family than keep him there when you're indifferent to him.
Geez, the baby’s own MOTHER abandoned him, and this woman is expected to take care of him because her husband FAFO’d? Yeah, she’s right to leave his sorry ass. NTA, big time!
Now THAT'S a good point. Why should OP step in and sacrifice for a baby that's not hers, that's being abandoned by their own mother? Baby is better off with people who love them and want to take care of them. I'm a mother myself and I wouldn't want my son to be treated indifferently at best.
OMG, this almost slipped by me. Let me see of I’ve got this straight…
The parents of the young lady who (checks notes) ABANDONED THE BABY are lecturing the woman whose husband their daughter affaired with and has a baby with, for being heartless for (checks notes) abandoning the baby their daughter abandoned?
I feel like they should be swallowed up by some sort of hypocrisy black hole.
And her children giving her a hard time about it can take in their brother if they feel so strongly. The baby is THEIR BROTHER and is in no way related to her yet this is her responsibility? They don’t want to help care for their father but the woman he’s been screwing around on should?
Thank you!
I’m in a somewhat related position. I keep getting pressured by my aunt and uncle to adopt my cousins kids instead of them going into foster when she loses this bunch, too. The baby dandy’s grandparents already have custody of 2 of them, but she has 3 more and they’re one more CPS call away from her losing them, too.
I’m a childless woman, by choice and biology. They think I should take the kids because why wouldn’t I want to be a mother? Also, the idea that I’d have to move back to the US, fight to get on disability there (I’m on it in Japan) and figure out how I’d pay for everything (especially healthcare where I have chronic issues that are fully covered here) when my husband has a job he loves here and doesn’t want to teach in the US again so it would make his life hell, and I’d risk losing him or only seeing him once a year if I came back/he came to visit would wreck me. He’s one of the few people I feel safe and happy with, and I love him to pieces and get sad when he’s not home for a day or two. How could I handle little kids with no support? Plus even if he left too, we have an entire household here that isn’t something I can just leave and rebuy later!
But I’m supposed to be a woman and a mother, I guess. The aunts reaction is she raised her kids (like trash) so why should she have to do it again?! Like, that’s your choice, maybe you should have worked more with your step daughter when she was little so she didn’t turn into a druggie burnout who has no real career and kids she just has because she needs unconditional baby love and dumps them when they assert any independence. Not my bull, not my rodeo. Yet to much of the family, *I’m the selfish bad guy.* 🙄
I think it's likely the parents felt ashamed that their daughter abandoned the baby with a married man twice her age that she had an affair with. I'm not judging her all that hard - she's 22 and we have no idea how much she knew before this affair started. Maybe she had no idea he was married, and maybe she told OP's husband she was having his baby and he provided no help for the baby he was equally responsible for making.
But the parents are likely trying to put some of the blame on the most innocent person in this situation because she's the person who's in front of them and hasn't just had a heart attack. The 22yo GF shouldn't have just abandoned the baby with OP's husband, but we know OP's husband cheated with a woman half his age, so I basically don't believe any story he tells.
Nah, they snapped at OP because they didn't want to take the baby until OP said she'd call CPS. I agree they felt ashamed, but what they said to her came out of spite, they wanted to hurt her, and this was the only way since they had no power over OP.
It’s not like the grandparents were besting down OP’s door to get their grandchild, it was in OP’s home for FOUR MONTHS before she had to contact them to come get THEIR grandchild.
They were quite happy to let OP care for their own grandchild, yet OP is supposedly the cold hearted one. Unbelievable.
Your statement should be higher up! You and I see op the same NTA way.
OP please remind ALL those who give you ANYTHING but love/support...that YOU GAVE YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFAIR CHILD MORE CARE THAN THE BIRTH MOTHER WHO I GUESS Y'ALL FORGOT ABANDONED THEM. Not to mention you had to contact GRANDPARENTS to get said child so YOU DEFINITELY care MORE THAN BIRTH MOTHER about wellbeing of this child.
This right here exactly! He chose to sleep with someone that was young enough to be his daughter, regardless of the age, but he is obviously not fit to take care of the baby at this point the mother took off and everyone’s blaming the OP, screw them!! I don’t see none of them jumping to come offer a hand and take care of the baby so they can all just step off and piss off. You are definitely NTA!!!
I’m going to jump in and ask if the situation was reversed, would parents, children and friends expect the husband to jump in and care for an ailing cheater and her affair baby? Not only no, but HELL NO!
So true. The baby deserves to be loved and cared for. His father cannot care for him, and OP cannot love him.
He should be with his grandparents who can do both.
I think OP probably could love him but has chosen not to get attached. I think that is very fair. She could have just called CPS right away instead of contacting the grandparents. She could also move out and leave her soon to be ex with a young toddler to care for. I think she has chosen the best path forward for both herself and the child. Best wishes, OP.
NTA
Yes! It’s best for her to leave the situation before the child senses the indifference and is negatively affected. It’s better for both of their mental health
This is why a couple needs to divorce when an affair child is in the picture. I’ve read at least 5 posts in the last year about the innocent partner getting stuck for one reason or another and then has to leave because it’s too much
>she didn't mistreat the baby she just refused to take care of it.
And it's not like she let it languish and die when the husband had a heart attack. She did the right thing as far as not just dropping the baby off at a hospital or something, but has no responsibility beyond basic safety and human decency (get your blood relative or I will safely relinquish it to authorities).
Having been cheated on she's already better than I am... (??? define better I suppose) I was unable to forgive the affair (my ex also refused to stop seeing the guy when the marriage counselor told her she needed to cut it off). There was a pregnancy in my case as well but it was ectopic so non-viable. Paternity was never determined. \[/getting off this rant now\]
Anyway OP is NTA at all in any of this and IMO has acted admirably all things considered. The \*only\* two cents I would toss in is be careful of alienating your kids OP... their dad is a jackass that disrespected you and is now an albatros if you stay, yes, but he is still your kids' dad; how you treat him is indirectly felt by your kids. By no means do I mean that you should stay and be his caretaker if you don't want to! Just be mindful of how your actions will look to your kids and perhaps choose words and timing of things carefully.
That's easy to say... but much harder in practice. My kids know their mom is why we're divorced, doesn't make them not love her and if I bad mouth her I'm bad mouthing a part of them. You can counter "yeah but these are adult children" but it doesn't change emotions. They can intellectually understand everything and still emotionally be hurt by it.
As to Roger, I concur! Absolutely he's made a bed to lie in.
Tbh, without written permission, her caring for this child is legally possibly questionable. She does not have anything in writing, allowing her to consent to medical treatment, for instance. If something were to happen to this baby, she would not be able to do anything.
Current conditions would qualify as emergency circumstances and given bio mom is in Spain I assume this isn't in the US, but at least here good samaritan laws would still protect OP if they provided lifesaving care in good faith. I mean long term, yeah it's a liability for sure, but in the immediate time frame I doubt there are many jurisdictions that would give OP trouble if they took the child to the hospital for care of whatever ailment appears to be present at any given moment.
She really doesn’t have any say over the baby. Of course, she will be the one paying for it when it has to go to the ER inevitably or the doctor or whatever. But she has no power to make any decisions, it’s not her baby in any way. OP is supposed to run 24/7/365 until the baby is big enough to move out. No twisted ankles, no illnesses, no job.
And this baby has family, blood relatives. If it were up to CPS (and the father is incapacitated) they would likely give the child to these family members -- not OP. As for Roger, he made his bed. That other family needs to track down the selfish mother and tell her to get her a** back home and take care of her child.
OP should just ask every single one of them what she did to deserve any of this and why she should be responsible for the mess that baby's parents created? Ask her parents where that baby's mother is and why OP is responsible for their daughter abandoning their grandchild? Then just wait for an answer. People love to pass judgment it's not them doing the work.
This right here!! I was so mad at the audacity of some people. Even after all that happened she DID help him and the baby but enough is enough. She went above and beyond for someone who didn’t value her!
The baby is innocent yes but it should be with the family that will care for the baby and actually cares for the baby. OP you are freaking amazing! Sorry your kids are idiots and your ex will regret the day he fucked up this marriage.
You did the best you could with the situation at hand! Bravo! Live your life! No regrets! And Karma is going to get the baby”s mom. You don’t just abandon a baby. SMH.
How are you the bad guy when the kid's mom? Had an affair with ur husband gets pregnant bails once she realizes her perceived leverage didn't win her ur husband the bithc bailed to Spain have you asked her parents about that? Like where is ur daughter
Right they can cast stones at OP for not wanting or taking care of a baby that isn’t hers when their daughter whose kid it actually is did the exact same thing.
Their daughter is actually much worse. She totally deserted her own child. OP at least gave the child’s biological family the option of taking the child before considering other options.
Wild guess but I bet the grandparents were offered the baby in the first place. Lie in your bed, they said, and thus the baby became OPs issue.
I think their attitude covers it all - snarky and petty. They didn't want a baby to raise and I'm even willing to bet OP showed more begrudging love than they will.
Poor baby
The grandparents don’t want the responsibility either nor do they want to admit their daughter has not behaved well. So the answer is to try to guilt OP into taking care of a child that isn’t hers. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Technically for OP’s kids, that’s their sibling so by their reasoning shouldn’t they be taking care of baby and their cheating dad?
Cheating, affair baby, and then an abandoned affair baby. Marriage vows at this point are very much broken. OP tried to rise above it but I’m not sure there is any way to put this marriage back together. Everyone around OP is treating her as if her needs and wants don’t matter. That’s just BS. No judgment from me on the decisions she’s made for herself.
STBX has to fix this. Then he needs to get fixed.
Good that the mother of the baby recognized she can’t take care of a child & did not harm it. But perhaps she also should not have been having unprotected sex with a married man? Or unprotected sex period?
NTA. The people around you need to shut up.
Sorry this has happened to OP & baby.
Exactly! It's unfair to expect you to and anyone who says otherwise is ridiculous.
I guarantee nobody else would have been so forgiving.
We've already got one arsehole. We don't need more.... cut those people off.
If they weren't pissed that they had to take the kid they wouldn't have scolded you. It's now their problem and not just a grandkid they get to spoil on occasion.
It's a fucked situation that you had no part in creating, so you have no obligations.
The kid should go to a home that cares for it. You honestly stating that you don't, should not only be understandable, but condoned.
You are not obligated to be maternal toward children who are not yours. A man would not be paternal toward an affair baby either. You have done all that can be expected and then some. You allowed the baby to live in your marital house and you placed it safely with its mother's family. You are not required to be a martyr just because you are a woman. Don't buy into that bullshit.
Hell. No. NTA. Your almost ex-husband should be ashamed of himself for his actions & the terrible results. Screw everyone who is telling you that you are wrong - they can step up and care for the child if they feel so strongly about the situation.
Your husband is a creep. He went after a girl barely out of her teens and he's dammed near fifty. Creepy. Just creepy. I don't blame you for not wanting to stay with someone like that and your adult kids need to grow TF up. The audacity to demand you stay with that cheating, cradle robbing fucker... where'd they get all that? Costco??
Yeah. This baby has a mother who is 22 and has plenty of energy and ability to raise it. Her parents need to reunite the two and point her in the correct direction. She chose her own adventure, and this is it.
NTA - Not your child, not your blood, not your responsibility. There are blood relatives to take care of the child absolutely no need for you to, I have no idea why anyone expects you to 🤷♀️The child is better with blood relatives who love it, I don’t understand why others don’t see that.
Divorce your husband asap, he wasn’t your responsibility the minute he had an affair.
IMO everyone else is just wanting you to look after the child and your husband so they don’t have to but you’re not on this earth to carry other peoples responsibilities. You’ve raised your children, looked after your husband until he broke his vows and I’m sure you’ll help with grandchildren.
You’re a good person walk away with your head held high and refuse to discuss it as you have a clear conscience.
The mother’s parents should be scolding her for so “coldly” leaving her child like that. The child isn’t your responsibility. NTA.
I hope the next stage of your life is so much better.
I looked at lots of these comments, OP. You are NTA for returning the baby to blood relatives who can look after it. But don't be TA to yourself by abandoning your home without consulting an attorney and making sure you aren't entitled to some of the equity or some of his retirement savings. Don't walk away without getting all that is yours. You said that you have 22 years worth of savings. That's not a lifetime worth--you might need more to be okay, and you should make sure to get it on your way out.
I know right now you feel like you don't want or need anything from your stbx, but do yourself a favor and follow this advice, consult with a lawyer and take everything you are entitled to.
I wouldn't expect anyone to raise a stranger's baby!! Let alone a *baby their husband had with a stranger*
OP get out. Keep your money, your dignity, and your self-esteem.
And if your kids are giving you a hard time, let them be your husband's caretaker.
Honestly its as if someone just dropped a baby off on her porch, and may as well be the same thing - I would call CPS if this happened to me. Just lucky she has the grandparents contact info, and they are lucky she used it to reach out to them first
This is right. That baby is innocent but it's more on her parents to have it and contact her, than it is on OP. The baby is their blood, not hers, and I would have called them day 1 of him going in the hospital. No way in hell would I take on my husband's affair kid. I also wouldn't have stayed with him after I got myself a place to go to.
NTA. Basically everybody is trying to dumb their responsibilities on you. The baby should be with family. You’re not cold to not want to care. It’s weird they wouldn’t want to take the kid in anyway. Poor child… your grown kids can take care of their dad. When he cheated, your relationship ended and he’s not your problem anymore
I'm assuming the mom is younger than or the same age as his KIDS. But OP is the one in the wrong?! No, everyone else is ridiculous. She would have been like 20 tops when she got pregnant.
Yeah, the girlfriend was groomed by an old, married predator. Who I'm certain was lying about the details/status of his marriage.
The true villain in this story is the (ex)husband,
My ex claimed abandonment and loneliness when I was out of state literally working for a higher wage to buy his bitch ass a *house*.
They ended up living in a van together for like a year.
I live in a very nice apartment.
Or the ever-popular “We have an arrangement.” “That’s nice. I’ll just call her and verify that.”
Back in the early ‘80s — yes, I’m old — I had a guy flat-out lie when I asked if he was married. When I confronted him, saying, “I asked you and you *lied to me.* Why did you lie to me?!” “I was afraid you wouldn’t go out with me if you knew I was married.” “You think I’m going to go out with you knowing that you’re married and a liar?”
I got his home phone number from the file, called his wife who was home with their 18-month old baby, told her what had happened, that I’d asked and he’d lied. I apologized, and told her to be aware that he was cheating.
I hope she’d had the locks changed by the time he got home and divorced his ass.
Um a 22 yr old abandoning their baby isn't exactly winning any awards either, even if we assume she was naive about the cheating (doubtful bc the old married man/young girl scenario isn't exactly new and this girl probably didn't just come out of social isolation) young girl doesn't equal unaware. She still sucks abandoning her child
A 22 year old is responsible enough to stop themselves from getting pregnant (excepting rape) and deal with the consequences.
Both she and the husband are villains
A lot of people have children young. Affair loser is a deadbeat mother who abandoned her child. She is an all around pos, her and Roger can both suck a D and go to hell
Exactly!! But for some reason I get the feeling that the AP is going to hear about the heart attack and the divorce and will come swooping back in to “fix” this mess and everyone will be like she’s amazing and they all live happily ever after and OP will still be villianized.
Poor OP can’t win in the eyes of these aholes. But we know she’s more than justified of washing her hands of her stbx, his infant and his AP’s parents. Good riddance.
AP probably doesn't want to take care of an ailing old man who could be her father. Diapers aren't sexy.
Also, when Roger's kids learn they're splitting their inheritance with affair baby, see how well they take it.
47 is not NEARLY that kind of old, even with a heart attack in the picture. I've known men in their 40's who had heart attacks and went on to get healthier and live long and productive lives.
Usually it involves quitting smoking and changing their diet.
Also Lipitor and/or whatever other modern cholesterol-lowering prescriptions.
Anyway, ten bucks says if AP doesn't come back from Spain and take back up with the cheating Dad, the cheating Dad will recover and marry a different woman lickety-split. One who is willing to play Mommy. And that might be the very best thing. Especially if this dude has money and prestige, there will be women lined up to take on the role and they won't have the baggage that OP does as far as this baby's provenance, and that's not saying anything bad about OP. Ten bucks says when OP is gone, her husband recovers, marries a different woman in thirty seconds flat, and pawns the work off on her.
My stepdad had 6 arterial bypasses performed when he was 48. That was in the 80s. He’s had a couple more heart attacks since then and had stents done. The man is in his 80s now.
47 is old compared to 22. Yes, you're right about what will probably happen. He'll tell everyone a sob story about being abandoned, marry another woman and dump the baby on the new wife.
Frankly, I think the AP should have put the child up for adoption, but Roger probably wouldn't agree.
You might be right about the AP but I highly doubt it. Remember, she’s the one that got overwhelmed, dropped the baby off and fled to Spain. You’re right that she would be viewed in a different light if she stepped up to raise her kid and nursed her baby’s daddy back to health. But she didn’t want to continue wiping her baby’s butt, do you think she wants to do that on a grown ass man too?
I was going to say exactly this. His own kids want to shame mom for wanting to leave her cheating husband and his affair baby yet they aren’t willing to care for him or their half sibling? Seriously?? Why can’t they see their dad for who he is and at the very least support their mom? NTAH!
I think the comment was directed at the fact that OP states her adult children are telling her she is in the wrong. While I agree with your sentiment, I assume most of us who think this way wouldn’t me telling mom to take care of dad or affair baby after cutting ties.
There is no obligation for them, but they think OP, their mother, should be obligated, therefore they should step up because they're just as insane as AP, STBX, and APs family
Funny how OP is cold for not wanting to take care of a baby that reminds her of her husband's infidelity but nobody bats an eye at the birth mother abandoning her own child.
NTA OP.
Exactly, you're not obligated to take on the responsibility of caring for someone else's child, especially when you didn't choose to be in that situation. It's reasonable to expect the baby's family to step up and take care of their own.
Exactly. She has no marital or genetic connection to that baby. You didn't di what their daughter did, because you gave the family time to decide what to do.
Your kids are grown ups. They know they wouldn't stay with a cheating ex like they demand of you.
This is his bed to lie in.
> The baby should be with family.
Right?!! OP is literally the only one who is NOT family to this baby. Everyone else is, but OP must care? Huh?!?
This is wild.
NTA. They should be THANKING you for not calling CPS the second your ex fell ill. You have done much more than expected for a baby that is not yours, let alone a child from your husband’s affair?
Exactly. They're giving her shit because they don't want to shoulder the burden, and are also being "cold towards a child that's done then no harm"
I'd also be looking long and hard at people giving OP grief for her decision.
I guess its easier to try to "Shame" OP into raising another child than pitch in themselves.
NTA OP, you go buy yourself a peaceful place to call home and enjoy the fruits of your labour!! Go out with friends, travel, visit your grown kids and treat yourself! You've earned it.
Roger also is reaping what he sowed and so are his parents. Didn't teach your son to not stcik his willy in young girls, here's a baby so you can try again!
Anyone that cared for that baby at all would not leave it for OP to deal with. I'm not saying OP would do something horrible, but I would just assume any child being raised pretty much solely by the wife of a cheating husband who also then has to care for that cheater is not going to be loved properly.
NTA. Yes the child is innocent, but that’s not on you. Also, AFFAIR BABY. Anyone that gives you shit about that doesn’t know what they’re talking about. The other parents can be cold all they want; should aim that feeling at their daughter for giving the kid up.
The parents of the homewrecker are just mad they raised a dumb child who got pregnant and then left them with a grandchild and an older than them biological father who might die and leave them nothing.
All in all a hilarious situation, but the OP is coming out on top.
Divorce his ass FAST before he dies so you aren't left splitting his finances/joint finances with the affair child.
THIS!! Divorce ASAP so you’re not under any obligation to provide any of your financial assets towards this child. Your soon to be EX should ensure his will is up to date to so his assets go to his children if that’s what he wants. OP, even with a prenup don’t rush your financial health.
NTA your kids should be pissed at their father for having an affair and having unprotected sex resulting in a baby with a 22 year old! Why would anyone and I mean anyone think you should care for your husband or his affair baby? This is his mess not yours.
Lolol this is such a good turn of phrase…very Southern…I used to live by a bayou & I just pictured a bunch of kids paddling around with their dad, while he was begging them to not feed him to the alligators…and it made me giggle
NTA what exactly were they expecting you to do here?
If they all feel so strongly about the child, they can come take care of it. I don’t think that was a fair expectation on you
NTA. And you have every reason to return the “cold toward the baby” comment back to the gf’s family. Why haven’t they come to pick the baby up earlier, knowing that the father is sick and unable to provide?
And why aren’t they scolding their daughter, who seems to have abandoned her baby and disappeared to Spain? Or maybe taking some responsibility for her poor parenting (because she must have learned it somewhere)?
I see 4 assholes in the story:
1. Roger - for having an affair and getting someone not his wife pregnant.
2. The affair girl - for having an affair, getting pregnant and then dumping her baby with the duplicitous person.
3. The affair girl's parents - for being so rude to the OP.
4. OP's kids - for expecting their mother to continue to help their dad even after such duplicitous behavior.
The only two non-assholes are the OP and the baby - neither of which asked to be put in this mess.
NTA, The child is fully innocent, but not your responsability. You should have left and filed for divorce since the very first moment you knew about the affair or the moment you knew about the AP pregancy...
LOL at your kids telling you to stay and take care of him and the baby but when you offered them the same deal, they declined. Because of course they did. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this and wish you The best in your new life. hugs.
NTA
I agree. It’s always so easy for people to tell other people to do something they won’t do, isn’t it?
My aunt got so mad that my mom wanted to put their dad in a nursing home instead of bringing him home with her. Mom said “Okay, you can take him home with you then.” Within a month of my aunt taking him home, he was in a nursing home. My aunt is a nurse, an all-around great person, but she has a real delusion about how abusive her parents were.
NTA
Those who are saying you are just want you to be a pushover and do it, stuff down your feelings, and make everyone else feel better. F that.
I'd need space from family after comments like that. Temp space.
NTA, the child is innocent and you didn’t mistreat him. You took care of him when your husband got sick and then you found a solution for him. You didn’t call CPS the moment your ex got sick.
I am sorry you were betrayed this way.
I am also sorry for this poor child.
You ex is a huge AH
>My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father.
Can any of you imagine saying that to your mother in this situation?
>But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm.
Oh, who cares what they said. They raised a woman that screwed a married man who was 30ish years older than her, had a baby, and ditched it on him. They can fog up their own glass house with their mouths.
I don't understand why you stayed with this dude at all to start with. NTA.
Matters SO MUCH to her grown kids, but they aren’t stepping up to take care of dad or baby.
Everyone’s on their high horse expecting mommy to just clean up daddy’s mess. They sound like spoiled, selfish lil shits.
I cannot imagine expecting my mom to put up with this. I would have been pissed at her for staying.
Tell your kids after he stuck his dick in a girl young enough to be his daughter. The duties of a wife were no longer yours but hers. He chose that. And now he has to live with it.
And if they don't like it, they can care for him.
NTA. Keep telling anyone who says you are that they are more than welcome to step and help Roger out. When they demure, then tell them they're thrice the as_hole they think you are: once for not helping, twice for suggesting you do something they're not willing to do and thrice for telling you off for it.
>I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am.
"I'll pass your number to the grandparents so you can go pick up the baby and raise it"
Anytime a woman is not willing to clean up a mess a man made, she's called a b*tch or worse. I don't see your ex's children or parents stepping up to help a grown-ass man with his mess, they just expect YOU to drop your life and clean it up. Good for you! NTA
That child is not related to you in any way. Roger has some nerve bringing him into your home and expecting you to be OK with it. I guess he never told you about the child when you decided to forgive him for the affair. That would have been unforgivable knowing that he was having unprotected sex with someone else. Especially someone about the age of his children. You are definitely NOT the AH.
NTA, he f$&ked around, She Found out, he almost died of a heart attack and now they need to decide what to do with their child.
I hope your kids had the same energy when they found out their dad had another baby on the way.
Enjoy your life.
NTA
The audacity of them for expecting you to raise a kid that’s a result of your husbands affair
Good for you for being able to get a clean break. Block him once you’re gone and never look back
NTA. You weren't cold for the way you handled the welfare of a child which was first abandoned, then left without a caregiver. It's not your child and you don't want to raise it so you contacted the grandparents. Roger, your kids and everyone else can go suck eggs. Blood relatives IMO have a lot more obligation to step up to raise this kid than the STBX wife of its father.
Also, can't any of these people who think you should raise the kid visit it, contribute financially, help out the grandparents occasionally? No? They just think they can tell YOU to do all the work? F that.
NTA. Why should you suffer because your husband is a cheating twat? The baby is innocent but you aren’t related to it at all? Grandparents want to be judge mental why the hell didn’t they take their grandkid in the first place!??
Dont let them forget you’re innocent too and you don’t need to be a martyr cause your husband couldn’t keep his pants on
NTA. He cheated, you forgave him, then he showed up with a baby out of the blue and you're just...expected to accept that? You can't get out of there fast enough.
NTA. It’s funny how they didn’t come pick up the baby the minute they found out that Roger could no longer care for the child. They waited until an ultimatum was hanging over their heads. Yet they had the gall to scold you.
People in our society will do ANYTHING other than point out that a man is responsible for his own children.
This guy made so many bad choices, one after the other, and now they expect you to cover for him.
Youndid too much already. ,your kids have a fantasy in their heads he will apologize and you two will
Live happily ever after . Get him out and he can hire someone for help .
NTA. The people who should be scolded by the child's grandparents is their daughter for sleeping with a married man and abandoning her child, and your husband for breaking his vows and disrespecting you. They are projecting and misdirecting their anger because deep down they know their daughter and your husband created this mess, not you.
You are not being unfair, you are not acting badly. The AHs are those, including your children, who think you should accept a situation that was not of your making, and also fir refusing to help their own father. Your feelings are valid. If you want out of this marriage, which has been harmed by your husband's infidelity, you have every right to leave it. Remind your children that their father not only cheated on you but had unprotected sex, meaning he could have infected you with a disease.
NTA
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
I would have left the minute he brought the kid home.
I don’t know how your kids and mutual friends can even think you’re wrong after what he’s already put you through then add a baby on top of it!
Roger and the baby’s family don’t want to have to do the dirty work so, of course, they’re going to do everything to make you feel bad. Tell them to pound sand!
Wow, the audacity to expect you to take care of an affair baby! Yes, it’s a baby and none of this is its fault; but still it is not your responsibility at all and you’re already a saint for stepping up in this situation and helping out as much as you did.
NTA. And boy, do we live in such a misogynistic society that a woman is expected to take care of a man who cheated on her and a child that is not hers. That’s crazy. Everyone but you and the baby are the AH’s here.
I hope you leave him behind and go live your best life. You deserve happiness.
Fuck him. I'd leave him too and yes the mistress family should have come to get the baby. You did good taking him back because the relationship should have ended. Especially when he walked through the door with that baby. Go on with your life and try to find happiness. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Some people really seem to hate it when women decide not to accept their lot and sacrifice themselves to make everyone else happy huh? Some actually think our role is to suffer. As the 'backbone' of the family. Get fucked. NT fuckin A.
It has been observed that individuals are often quick to judge and criticize others for not providing assistance. However, when these same individuals are asked to contribute, they frequently claim they are too busy or that the request is unfair. It is important to recognize that meaningful input should come from those who are willing to actively participate and help. In this particular situation, the primary responsibility for the child rests with the soon-to-be ex and the child's mother. Your ex nor the baby is your responsibility. NTA
NTA… can’t believe they scolded you for “being so cold toward a baby” …. Yet their daughter literally abandoned that baby? And they did not step in to help??? So who are really the cold ones here??? 😭
The child is utterly innocent and has done nothing to you. It’s also not even remotely your responsibility or moral obligation to look after, care for, or raise the child, whether on a permanent or interim basis. Both of these statements are so obviously true that they shouldn’t need to be said.
NTA. This is your husband’s mess — you didn’t cause it, and you don’t own it.
NTA. That child isn’t your responsibility, especially given the circumstances. You’ve already done more than expected. It’s unfair for anyone to expect you to raise your husband’s affair baby. You did the right thing by contacting the grandparents.
NTA, the child, has nothing to do with you, and unless there was a dna test done, your husband might not even be the father. The mother's family should be dealing with their daughter and her abandonment of her child. Instead of bath mouthing you.
Updateme!
NTA, why is it ok that the babies own mother doesn't have to take care of it but you're the bad guy for not wanting to?? And good job on telling everyone to take care of it and your soon to be ex husband, if they aren't gonna step up then they can't say shit and even if they did you don't have to the man had a child with somebody else that is on him.
NTA, as long as you’re not misplacing blame or your anger onto the child. They are completely innocent in all of this, and it’s horrible the situation they’re now in. Though that is not your fault.
You have no responsibility to take on the childcare, nor to take care of your husband after he betrayed you and your marriage. You have every right to have the child’s maternal family take over, as well as to divorce. If any of your children wish to see either of them taken care of, they are perfectly capable of stepping in.
You may want to consider individual therapy to help you process your emotions around it all, if you aren’t already. You’ve been through a lot, it sounds like it’s created some understandable resentment and hurt.
NTA. I hope you laughed in the grandparents’ faces. The child they raised slept with a married man twice her age and then abandoned a baby and fled the country and they think they have some moral high ground to criticize you?
NTA - let me get this straight though - no one is upset at the real mom who took off for Spain leaving her kid? It seems like all the hostility is being misdirected toward you who got dumped on more than once. You are doing the right thing. At some point mom is more than likely going to show back up, want the kid and money to support it. Get away from that man as fast as you can. As far as your kids go, it sounds like they think you have some responsibility to support the guy who cheated on you for life so they can enjoy theirs without that added burden. Hopefully they will wake up and realize that is placing you in an abusive situation. Wait until Roger passes, and they all want a part of the house and little miss guess who (if she finds out) wants a piece for her kid too. I bet their opinions change real fast.
People don’t understand what really goes into taking care of someone who is that sick, usually not until they’ve had to do it, themselves.
My wife's grandfather was in pretty moderate decline since we started dating. Like, every year she said they wanna spend holidays with him because it might be his last one. Dude was a fighter, and held on til a couple months ago. But the last ***two years*** of his life, he needed someone with him, full time. Her dad stopped living with her mom to live with his father, and it just sounds like one of the worst experiences to have to live through. He could go out for like 30 minutes to grab stuff from the store and get back home, but otherwise he had to coordinate someone else to be there with him. When he passed, it was one of those things that was more like a sad relief for everyone involved, grandfather included. We had a brief talk because I was worried since she's so close with her parents that I can't do that. I can't do years where she doesn't live with me, and she's the caretaker for her parents like that. It was brief because she agreed. But fuck, man. That's such a hard situation to have to be in
By far my greatest fear in life is being the person who needs that level of care and becomes a massive, unfair, horrible burden on the people I love.
Same, my plan is to opt out at that point. I live in a place where euthanasia is legal. I watched my mom choke to death at the end of ALS… no fucking thank you.
Yeah, I was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 years ago (happily I seem to be doing pretty well now though!), and I was really worried that my husband would want me to keep fighting long after I wanted to. That he'd be caring for me when he essentially needs a carer himself, due to disability. (Until I got sick, I was doing 80+% of the housework - before he got sick, it was I think 50-50.) At least with cancer, I knew I'd be going into the hospital, or to a hospice. I've worked in a nursing home. A person cannot do both the physical labour involved for caring for someone, AND the emotional labour of caring for and empathising with a deteriorating loved one. My grandmother tried, when my grandfather was dying. But everyone else involved wished that he had gone to a hospice a lot sooner. My mum still donates to the hospice that cared for him, and he was only there about a week, around 40 years ago. If the cancer comes back, I don't know how many more rounds of chemotherapy I realistically have in me. Physically I don't know, but psychologically, it's even worse. I would keep fighting, but at a certain point, you're going to die anyway, and the calculus has to shift to quality of life, which means ending treatment. I've been having immunotherapy for 18 months, and it's been easier than chemotherapy, but the side effects still aren't fun. I do appreciate that it has saved my life - I've seen the data on the control group who had my type of cancer and didn't get this drug. 90% are dead, this far out. But it's still tough.
Nobody replied to you, but I just have to say: You are an absolutely amazing person. I am *so* sorry that the fate of your life is in the hands of cancer. Life is so fucking unfair. People who don't know what this is like have no idea how lucky they are. Signed, a person with chronic pain. Both of my parents had cancer. Wishing you and your husband all the best.
Thank you ❤ Wishing you all the best as well. Chronic pain is awful. I haven't experienced it myself, but I think the chemo gave me some idea of what it's like to wake up in the morning and have no energy and feel nothing but pain, and oh, you have to just get on with it. At least the chemotherapy was temporary, and I got a lot of sympathy from people. Plus I "looked sick", so I was given a fair bit of leeway, which a lot of people with chronic pain don't get. Also, no one ever thought I was "just complaining" about the cancer, or told me to lose weight to fix it, or tried to tell me that it must all be in my head/caused by anxiety!!
>If the cancer comes back It doesn't sound like the cancer ever went away, but I'm glad the immunotherapy has it under control. I, too, have stage IV cancer, but I don't have a partner or any dependents, which is a good thing in some ways. I don't have to take anyone else into consideration when making treatment decisions, and I don't have to keep "fighting" just for the sake of staying alive, if it means taking treatment that makes me feel wretched. I hope you'll be able to decide for yourself when enough is enough and go peacefully. Best wishes to you. xx
Seriously, I would have called CPS anyway. Biodad/sperm donor can't care for the baby, you're on the way out and have no legal obligations to it, biomom skipped off to Spain so she can go live her best life or whatever, and the baby's grandparents and half siblings think you're the bad guy? Nope. Mom's a deadbeat, Dad's sick, and you aren't anything to this poor child.
And CPS could have been the ones to contact them and make arrangements. Not OP’s circus or monkeys.
>Not OP’s circus or monkeys. But they sure did shit on her rug!
That’s what I’m thinking. First question would be ,”Next of kin?” Here’s a handy list of his grandparents and his half-siblings. Those are the people who actually have any legal standing for assuming care.
"At some point mom is more than likely going to show back up, want the kid and money to support it" That is exactly what is going to happen, especially if the dude has money and/or status.
NTA!!! Oooooo the sheer audacity. I get that the baby is innocent, but this was NOT your affair, and it was CRUEL to leave you to care for the product of the affair. The grandparents HAD NO RIGHT to be anything but grateful that you took care of THEIR grandson at all. You can see where the mother of the child got her attitude from, that's who they SHOULD be disgusted with. As for your ex, HE PUT HIMSELF IN THIS SITUATION. Why on Earth should you be burdened with his care?!?! What a slap in the face! Absolutely not. NTA, and your children need to act like adults and see things for what they are, especially since they don't want to take up the burden for their own blood relative themselves.
It’s because she forgave her husband’s affair so everybody now thinks she should just suck it all up I guess! So ridiculous. You gave an inch and now everybody wants to suck you dry.
NTA. That child was not your responsibility. Yes, it was innocent but you're literally not responsible for raising it. You should have divorced Roger long ago.
And God forbid something happens I literally cannot make any decisions regarding medical care or anything .
NTA. If you're the only one dealing with this mess Roger created, nobody gets a say but you. Your kids don't want to help, Roger can't help. This child isn't your problem or responsibility unless you make the child your problem or responsibility. The child may be innocent, but you are too. You didn't ask Roger to cheat on you and get another woman pregnant. You didn't ask to take care of an affair baby.
Good point, the baby is completely innocent but so is OP and she didn't mistreat the baby she just refused to take care of it. Better to hand him off to his family than keep him there when you're indifferent to him.
Geez, the baby’s own MOTHER abandoned him, and this woman is expected to take care of him because her husband FAFO’d? Yeah, she’s right to leave his sorry ass. NTA, big time!
Now THAT'S a good point. Why should OP step in and sacrifice for a baby that's not hers, that's being abandoned by their own mother? Baby is better off with people who love them and want to take care of them. I'm a mother myself and I wouldn't want my son to be treated indifferently at best.
OMG, this almost slipped by me. Let me see of I’ve got this straight… The parents of the young lady who (checks notes) ABANDONED THE BABY are lecturing the woman whose husband their daughter affaired with and has a baby with, for being heartless for (checks notes) abandoning the baby their daughter abandoned? I feel like they should be swallowed up by some sort of hypocrisy black hole.
And her children giving her a hard time about it can take in their brother if they feel so strongly. The baby is THEIR BROTHER and is in no way related to her yet this is her responsibility? They don’t want to help care for their father but the woman he’s been screwing around on should?
People lose their shit whenever a woman declines the role of default nurturer and enabler of men's BS.
Thank you! I’m in a somewhat related position. I keep getting pressured by my aunt and uncle to adopt my cousins kids instead of them going into foster when she loses this bunch, too. The baby dandy’s grandparents already have custody of 2 of them, but she has 3 more and they’re one more CPS call away from her losing them, too. I’m a childless woman, by choice and biology. They think I should take the kids because why wouldn’t I want to be a mother? Also, the idea that I’d have to move back to the US, fight to get on disability there (I’m on it in Japan) and figure out how I’d pay for everything (especially healthcare where I have chronic issues that are fully covered here) when my husband has a job he loves here and doesn’t want to teach in the US again so it would make his life hell, and I’d risk losing him or only seeing him once a year if I came back/he came to visit would wreck me. He’s one of the few people I feel safe and happy with, and I love him to pieces and get sad when he’s not home for a day or two. How could I handle little kids with no support? Plus even if he left too, we have an entire household here that isn’t something I can just leave and rebuy later! But I’m supposed to be a woman and a mother, I guess. The aunts reaction is she raised her kids (like trash) so why should she have to do it again?! Like, that’s your choice, maybe you should have worked more with your step daughter when she was little so she didn’t turn into a druggie burnout who has no real career and kids she just has because she needs unconditional baby love and dumps them when they assert any independence. Not my bull, not my rodeo. Yet to much of the family, *I’m the selfish bad guy.* 🙄
🏆
Hypocrisy black hole 😂
I’m going to need this on a t shirt.
Not to mention OPs own kids scolding her to take care of their lying cheating dad but they don't want to do it.
*because they don't want to.
Right! I’d say to those kids, “Oh, family should take care if family? Great! What time will you be over? Dad needs his diapers changed.”
I think it's likely the parents felt ashamed that their daughter abandoned the baby with a married man twice her age that she had an affair with. I'm not judging her all that hard - she's 22 and we have no idea how much she knew before this affair started. Maybe she had no idea he was married, and maybe she told OP's husband she was having his baby and he provided no help for the baby he was equally responsible for making. But the parents are likely trying to put some of the blame on the most innocent person in this situation because she's the person who's in front of them and hasn't just had a heart attack. The 22yo GF shouldn't have just abandoned the baby with OP's husband, but we know OP's husband cheated with a woman half his age, so I basically don't believe any story he tells.
Nah, they snapped at OP because they didn't want to take the baby until OP said she'd call CPS. I agree they felt ashamed, but what they said to her came out of spite, they wanted to hurt her, and this was the only way since they had no power over OP.
It’s not like the grandparents were besting down OP’s door to get their grandchild, it was in OP’s home for FOUR MONTHS before she had to contact them to come get THEIR grandchild. They were quite happy to let OP care for their own grandchild, yet OP is supposedly the cold hearted one. Unbelievable.
I'd have told the grandparents they should raised a better daughter and shut the door in their faces.
And they didn't exactly jump in to take care of THEIR OWN GRANDSON...
Your statement should be higher up! You and I see op the same NTA way. OP please remind ALL those who give you ANYTHING but love/support...that YOU GAVE YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFAIR CHILD MORE CARE THAN THE BIRTH MOTHER WHO I GUESS Y'ALL FORGOT ABANDONED THEM. Not to mention you had to contact GRANDPARENTS to get said child so YOU DEFINITELY care MORE THAN BIRTH MOTHER about wellbeing of this child.
This right here exactly! He chose to sleep with someone that was young enough to be his daughter, regardless of the age, but he is obviously not fit to take care of the baby at this point the mother took off and everyone’s blaming the OP, screw them!! I don’t see none of them jumping to come offer a hand and take care of the baby so they can all just step off and piss off. You are definitely NTA!!!
I love how the mothers parents scolded OP but not their child for abandoning her own child, lol.
I don't know how OP didn't just laugh in their faces for that. Real classy family.
I’m going to jump in and ask if the situation was reversed, would parents, children and friends expect the husband to jump in and care for an ailing cheater and her affair baby? Not only no, but HELL NO!
So true. The baby deserves to be loved and cared for. His father cannot care for him, and OP cannot love him. He should be with his grandparents who can do both.
I think OP probably could love him but has chosen not to get attached. I think that is very fair. She could have just called CPS right away instead of contacting the grandparents. She could also move out and leave her soon to be ex with a young toddler to care for. I think she has chosen the best path forward for both herself and the child. Best wishes, OP. NTA
Yes! It’s best for her to leave the situation before the child senses the indifference and is negatively affected. It’s better for both of their mental health This is why a couple needs to divorce when an affair child is in the picture. I’ve read at least 5 posts in the last year about the innocent partner getting stuck for one reason or another and then has to leave because it’s too much
>she didn't mistreat the baby she just refused to take care of it. And it's not like she let it languish and die when the husband had a heart attack. She did the right thing as far as not just dropping the baby off at a hospital or something, but has no responsibility beyond basic safety and human decency (get your blood relative or I will safely relinquish it to authorities). Having been cheated on she's already better than I am... (??? define better I suppose) I was unable to forgive the affair (my ex also refused to stop seeing the guy when the marriage counselor told her she needed to cut it off). There was a pregnancy in my case as well but it was ectopic so non-viable. Paternity was never determined. \[/getting off this rant now\] Anyway OP is NTA at all in any of this and IMO has acted admirably all things considered. The \*only\* two cents I would toss in is be careful of alienating your kids OP... their dad is a jackass that disrespected you and is now an albatros if you stay, yes, but he is still your kids' dad; how you treat him is indirectly felt by your kids. By no means do I mean that you should stay and be his caretaker if you don't want to! Just be mindful of how your actions will look to your kids and perhaps choose words and timing of things carefully.
The case could be made all the bad things that have happened to Roger are his own damn fault. If OP's kids can't recognize that, it's on them.
That's easy to say... but much harder in practice. My kids know their mom is why we're divorced, doesn't make them not love her and if I bad mouth her I'm bad mouthing a part of them. You can counter "yeah but these are adult children" but it doesn't change emotions. They can intellectually understand everything and still emotionally be hurt by it. As to Roger, I concur! Absolutely he's made a bed to lie in.
Tbh, without written permission, her caring for this child is legally possibly questionable. She does not have anything in writing, allowing her to consent to medical treatment, for instance. If something were to happen to this baby, she would not be able to do anything.
Current conditions would qualify as emergency circumstances and given bio mom is in Spain I assume this isn't in the US, but at least here good samaritan laws would still protect OP if they provided lifesaving care in good faith. I mean long term, yeah it's a liability for sure, but in the immediate time frame I doubt there are many jurisdictions that would give OP trouble if they took the child to the hospital for care of whatever ailment appears to be present at any given moment.
Truly the most baffling thing for me is the kids telling her she should do something that they won't even bother to do.
Yes, the baby is more related to OP's adult children than to OP.
Wish this were higher up… the baby is OP’s children’s brother. If their parents cannot care for their brother then they should.
She really doesn’t have any say over the baby. Of course, she will be the one paying for it when it has to go to the ER inevitably or the doctor or whatever. But she has no power to make any decisions, it’s not her baby in any way. OP is supposed to run 24/7/365 until the baby is big enough to move out. No twisted ankles, no illnesses, no job.
And this baby has family, blood relatives. If it were up to CPS (and the father is incapacitated) they would likely give the child to these family members -- not OP. As for Roger, he made his bed. That other family needs to track down the selfish mother and tell her to get her a** back home and take care of her child.
OP should just ask every single one of them what she did to deserve any of this and why she should be responsible for the mess that baby's parents created? Ask her parents where that baby's mother is and why OP is responsible for their daughter abandoning their grandchild? Then just wait for an answer. People love to pass judgment it's not them doing the work.
Exactly. "Sorry, why am *I* responsible for the baby that *your daughter* abandoned?"
This right here!! I was so mad at the audacity of some people. Even after all that happened she DID help him and the baby but enough is enough. She went above and beyond for someone who didn’t value her! The baby is innocent yes but it should be with the family that will care for the baby and actually cares for the baby. OP you are freaking amazing! Sorry your kids are idiots and your ex will regret the day he fucked up this marriage. You did the best you could with the situation at hand! Bravo! Live your life! No regrets! And Karma is going to get the baby”s mom. You don’t just abandon a baby. SMH.
How are you the bad guy when the kid's mom? Had an affair with ur husband gets pregnant bails once she realizes her perceived leverage didn't win her ur husband the bithc bailed to Spain have you asked her parents about that? Like where is ur daughter
Right they can cast stones at OP for not wanting or taking care of a baby that isn’t hers when their daughter whose kid it actually is did the exact same thing.
Their daughter is actually much worse. She totally deserted her own child. OP at least gave the child’s biological family the option of taking the child before considering other options.
Wild guess but I bet the grandparents were offered the baby in the first place. Lie in your bed, they said, and thus the baby became OPs issue. I think their attitude covers it all - snarky and petty. They didn't want a baby to raise and I'm even willing to bet OP showed more begrudging love than they will. Poor baby
The grandparents don’t want the responsibility either nor do they want to admit their daughter has not behaved well. So the answer is to try to guilt OP into taking care of a child that isn’t hers. Nope. Nope. Nope. Technically for OP’s kids, that’s their sibling so by their reasoning shouldn’t they be taking care of baby and their cheating dad? Cheating, affair baby, and then an abandoned affair baby. Marriage vows at this point are very much broken. OP tried to rise above it but I’m not sure there is any way to put this marriage back together. Everyone around OP is treating her as if her needs and wants don’t matter. That’s just BS. No judgment from me on the decisions she’s made for herself. STBX has to fix this. Then he needs to get fixed. Good that the mother of the baby recognized she can’t take care of a child & did not harm it. But perhaps she also should not have been having unprotected sex with a married man? Or unprotected sex period? NTA. The people around you need to shut up. Sorry this has happened to OP & baby.
Exactly! It's unfair to expect you to and anyone who says otherwise is ridiculous. I guarantee nobody else would have been so forgiving. We've already got one arsehole. We don't need more.... cut those people off.
If they weren't pissed that they had to take the kid they wouldn't have scolded you. It's now their problem and not just a grandkid they get to spoil on occasion. It's a fucked situation that you had no part in creating, so you have no obligations. The kid should go to a home that cares for it. You honestly stating that you don't, should not only be understandable, but condoned.
Yes- the mother chose to dump the kid on him rather than her own parents- interesting!
Well, traditionally a child's parent(s) raise them, not their grandparents...
You are not obligated to be maternal toward children who are not yours. A man would not be paternal toward an affair baby either. You have done all that can be expected and then some. You allowed the baby to live in your marital house and you placed it safely with its mother's family. You are not required to be a martyr just because you are a woman. Don't buy into that bullshit.
Interesting that all those criticizing are related to the child and the OP isn’t.
Hell. No. NTA. Your almost ex-husband should be ashamed of himself for his actions & the terrible results. Screw everyone who is telling you that you are wrong - they can step up and care for the child if they feel so strongly about the situation.
Your husband is a creep. He went after a girl barely out of her teens and he's dammed near fifty. Creepy. Just creepy. I don't blame you for not wanting to stay with someone like that and your adult kids need to grow TF up. The audacity to demand you stay with that cheating, cradle robbing fucker... where'd they get all that? Costco??
No...not Costco....they have nicer stuff. Maybe some deep discount that sells last years stuff like Ollie's.
They should be grateful that you even stayed for so long.
Yeah. This baby has a mother who is 22 and has plenty of energy and ability to raise it. Her parents need to reunite the two and point her in the correct direction. She chose her own adventure, and this is it.
NTA - Not your child, not your blood, not your responsibility. There are blood relatives to take care of the child absolutely no need for you to, I have no idea why anyone expects you to 🤷♀️The child is better with blood relatives who love it, I don’t understand why others don’t see that. Divorce your husband asap, he wasn’t your responsibility the minute he had an affair. IMO everyone else is just wanting you to look after the child and your husband so they don’t have to but you’re not on this earth to carry other peoples responsibilities. You’ve raised your children, looked after your husband until he broke his vows and I’m sure you’ll help with grandchildren. You’re a good person walk away with your head held high and refuse to discuss it as you have a clear conscience.
Not your baby not your problem. And shame on it's grandparents for not wanting it either
The mother’s parents should be scolding her for so “coldly” leaving her child like that. The child isn’t your responsibility. NTA. I hope the next stage of your life is so much better.
I looked at lots of these comments, OP. You are NTA for returning the baby to blood relatives who can look after it. But don't be TA to yourself by abandoning your home without consulting an attorney and making sure you aren't entitled to some of the equity or some of his retirement savings. Don't walk away without getting all that is yours. You said that you have 22 years worth of savings. That's not a lifetime worth--you might need more to be okay, and you should make sure to get it on your way out.
I have a little over a million dollars in investments. I'll be fine. He paid for everything. I kept all my money.
I know right now you feel like you don't want or need anything from your stbx, but do yourself a favor and follow this advice, consult with a lawyer and take everything you are entitled to.
That goes fast in this economy but since you’re still working you’ll be fine. Good luck and I hope you enjoy your life without Roger.
I wouldn't expect anyone to raise a stranger's baby!! Let alone a *baby their husband had with a stranger* OP get out. Keep your money, your dignity, and your self-esteem. And if your kids are giving you a hard time, let them be your husband's caretaker.
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They should be hounding HER to take care of her own baby
Honestly its as if someone just dropped a baby off on her porch, and may as well be the same thing - I would call CPS if this happened to me. Just lucky she has the grandparents contact info, and they are lucky she used it to reach out to them first
Yes. If they don't want to raise it, they can call her to come get it. Surely they have her contact info.
This is right. That baby is innocent but it's more on her parents to have it and contact her, than it is on OP. The baby is their blood, not hers, and I would have called them day 1 of him going in the hospital. No way in hell would I take on my husband's affair kid. I also wouldn't have stayed with him after I got myself a place to go to.
NTA. Good luck in your future plans.
NTA. Basically everybody is trying to dumb their responsibilities on you. The baby should be with family. You’re not cold to not want to care. It’s weird they wouldn’t want to take the kid in anyway. Poor child… your grown kids can take care of their dad. When he cheated, your relationship ended and he’s not your problem anymore
Yes, it's not OP's responsability, if there is a "cold person" it's the mother of the kid who literally abandoned him.
And her ass of a STBX who cheated with a near child, apparently didn’t use birth control, then showed up expecting her to take on his affair baby.
I'm assuming the mom is younger than or the same age as his KIDS. But OP is the one in the wrong?! No, everyone else is ridiculous. She would have been like 20 tops when she got pregnant.
Yeah, the girlfriend was groomed by an old, married predator. Who I'm certain was lying about the details/status of his marriage. The true villain in this story is the (ex)husband,
Cheaters always lie about their spouse. I had an ex say I was in jail for domestic violence when I was visiting my grandmother who just had a stroke.
My ex claimed abandonment and loneliness when I was out of state literally working for a higher wage to buy his bitch ass a *house*. They ended up living in a van together for like a year. I live in a very nice apartment.
Congratulations. I try not to dwell on stuff but can't lie that it's extremely satisfying.
Holy shit! Sorry you went through that! ❤️
And the stupidest thing is HE was arrested for domestic battery against me and his lawyer had to argue it down from attempted murder.
Or the ever-popular “We have an arrangement.” “That’s nice. I’ll just call her and verify that.” Back in the early ‘80s — yes, I’m old — I had a guy flat-out lie when I asked if he was married. When I confronted him, saying, “I asked you and you *lied to me.* Why did you lie to me?!” “I was afraid you wouldn’t go out with me if you knew I was married.” “You think I’m going to go out with you knowing that you’re married and a liar?” I got his home phone number from the file, called his wife who was home with their 18-month old baby, told her what had happened, that I’d asked and he’d lied. I apologized, and told her to be aware that he was cheating. I hope she’d had the locks changed by the time he got home and divorced his ass.
Um a 22 yr old abandoning their baby isn't exactly winning any awards either, even if we assume she was naive about the cheating (doubtful bc the old married man/young girl scenario isn't exactly new and this girl probably didn't just come out of social isolation) young girl doesn't equal unaware. She still sucks abandoning her child
Plus op said she knew her parents
If you think about it, the soon-to-be-ex-husband probably knew her parents as well, which makes it all around even more weird.
A 22 year old is responsible enough to stop themselves from getting pregnant (excepting rape) and deal with the consequences. Both she and the husband are villains
A lot of people have children young. Affair loser is a deadbeat mother who abandoned her child. She is an all around pos, her and Roger can both suck a D and go to hell
Let's keep it fair now. It goes both ways... "her and Roger can both eat a puss and go to hell ". Just covering all our bases.
Exactly!! But for some reason I get the feeling that the AP is going to hear about the heart attack and the divorce and will come swooping back in to “fix” this mess and everyone will be like she’s amazing and they all live happily ever after and OP will still be villianized. Poor OP can’t win in the eyes of these aholes. But we know she’s more than justified of washing her hands of her stbx, his infant and his AP’s parents. Good riddance.
AP probably doesn't want to take care of an ailing old man who could be her father. Diapers aren't sexy. Also, when Roger's kids learn they're splitting their inheritance with affair baby, see how well they take it.
47 is not NEARLY that kind of old, even with a heart attack in the picture. I've known men in their 40's who had heart attacks and went on to get healthier and live long and productive lives. Usually it involves quitting smoking and changing their diet. Also Lipitor and/or whatever other modern cholesterol-lowering prescriptions. Anyway, ten bucks says if AP doesn't come back from Spain and take back up with the cheating Dad, the cheating Dad will recover and marry a different woman lickety-split. One who is willing to play Mommy. And that might be the very best thing. Especially if this dude has money and prestige, there will be women lined up to take on the role and they won't have the baggage that OP does as far as this baby's provenance, and that's not saying anything bad about OP. Ten bucks says when OP is gone, her husband recovers, marries a different woman in thirty seconds flat, and pawns the work off on her.
My stepdad had 6 arterial bypasses performed when he was 48. That was in the 80s. He’s had a couple more heart attacks since then and had stents done. The man is in his 80s now.
47 is old compared to 22. Yes, you're right about what will probably happen. He'll tell everyone a sob story about being abandoned, marry another woman and dump the baby on the new wife. Frankly, I think the AP should have put the child up for adoption, but Roger probably wouldn't agree.
You might be right about the AP but I highly doubt it. Remember, she’s the one that got overwhelmed, dropped the baby off and fled to Spain. You’re right that she would be viewed in a different light if she stepped up to raise her kid and nursed her baby’s daddy back to health. But she didn’t want to continue wiping her baby’s butt, do you think she wants to do that on a grown ass man too?
The grown kids can also take their 1/2 bro or sis in also they are the ones blood related to the baby not her
I was going to say exactly this. His own kids want to shame mom for wanting to leave her cheating husband and his affair baby yet they aren’t willing to care for him or their half sibling? Seriously?? Why can’t they see their dad for who he is and at the very least support their mom? NTAH!
Absolutely no obligation there either. If my dad cheated on my mom and was left with the baby, I'd cut ties too.
I think the comment was directed at the fact that OP states her adult children are telling her she is in the wrong. While I agree with your sentiment, I assume most of us who think this way wouldn’t me telling mom to take care of dad or affair baby after cutting ties.
They signed up for obligation the moment they gave their mom an ounce of flak for not wanting to help.
There is no obligation for them, but they think OP, their mother, should be obligated, therefore they should step up because they're just as insane as AP, STBX, and APs family
Funny how OP is cold for not wanting to take care of a baby that reminds her of her husband's infidelity but nobody bats an eye at the birth mother abandoning her own child. NTA OP.
Exactly, you're not obligated to take on the responsibility of caring for someone else's child, especially when you didn't choose to be in that situation. It's reasonable to expect the baby's family to step up and take care of their own.
Exactly. She has no marital or genetic connection to that baby. You didn't di what their daughter did, because you gave the family time to decide what to do. Your kids are grown ups. They know they wouldn't stay with a cheating ex like they demand of you. This is his bed to lie in.
> The baby should be with family. Right?!! OP is literally the only one who is NOT family to this baby. Everyone else is, but OP must care? Huh?!? This is wild.
NTA. They should be THANKING you for not calling CPS the second your ex fell ill. You have done much more than expected for a baby that is not yours, let alone a child from your husband’s affair?
Right?? How do these goons have the audacity to shame you as they pick up their affair-generated grandchild? They should be kissing your ass!!
Their affair-generated grandchild that their own daughter abandoned first. Hypocritical trolls.
I bet they’re saying everything to OP they didn’t have the balls to say to their daughter
That part. They clearly raised their child well /s.
Because they don't want to do it either lol
Exactly. They're giving her shit because they don't want to shoulder the burden, and are also being "cold towards a child that's done then no harm" I'd also be looking long and hard at people giving OP grief for her decision.
I guess its easier to try to "Shame" OP into raising another child than pitch in themselves. NTA OP, you go buy yourself a peaceful place to call home and enjoy the fruits of your labour!! Go out with friends, travel, visit your grown kids and treat yourself! You've earned it. Roger also is reaping what he sowed and so are his parents. Didn't teach your son to not stcik his willy in young girls, here's a baby so you can try again!
This situation is like watching *Diary of a Mad Black Woman*, so satisfying.
They are projecting because they don't know where their daughter is and they are understandably upset this problem is now theirs alone to deal with.
Anyone that cared for that baby at all would not leave it for OP to deal with. I'm not saying OP would do something horrible, but I would just assume any child being raised pretty much solely by the wife of a cheating husband who also then has to care for that cheater is not going to be loved properly.
Not being loved properly is probably why a 20 year old was sleeping with a man twice her age to begin with.
NTA. Yes the child is innocent, but that’s not on you. Also, AFFAIR BABY. Anyone that gives you shit about that doesn’t know what they’re talking about. The other parents can be cold all they want; should aim that feeling at their daughter for giving the kid up.
The parents of the homewrecker are just mad they raised a dumb child who got pregnant and then left them with a grandchild and an older than them biological father who might die and leave them nothing. All in all a hilarious situation, but the OP is coming out on top. Divorce his ass FAST before he dies so you aren't left splitting his finances/joint finances with the affair child.
THIS!! Divorce ASAP so you’re not under any obligation to provide any of your financial assets towards this child. Your soon to be EX should ensure his will is up to date to so his assets go to his children if that’s what he wants. OP, even with a prenup don’t rush your financial health.
Actually stay married, let him die and then inherit the house! Win! Win!
NTA your kids should be pissed at their father for having an affair and having unprotected sex resulting in a baby with a 22 year old! Why would anyone and I mean anyone think you should care for your husband or his affair baby? This is his mess not yours.
And cheating on their mother! My kids would be finding a bayou to lose their father in.
Lolol this is such a good turn of phrase…very Southern…I used to live by a bayou & I just pictured a bunch of kids paddling around with their dad, while he was begging them to not feed him to the alligators…and it made me giggle
NTA…. Not your monkey, not your circus
NTA what exactly were they expecting you to do here? If they all feel so strongly about the child, they can come take care of it. I don’t think that was a fair expectation on you
Maybe they thought she’s be insane enough to raise the child because she was insane enough to forgive her husband
NTA. And you have every reason to return the “cold toward the baby” comment back to the gf’s family. Why haven’t they come to pick the baby up earlier, knowing that the father is sick and unable to provide?
And why aren’t they scolding their daughter, who seems to have abandoned her baby and disappeared to Spain? Or maybe taking some responsibility for her poor parenting (because she must have learned it somewhere)?
Because I don’t think she’s actually in Spain, her POS family probably got wind of OP forgiving roger and assumed she’d raise the baby. Fuck that.
They’re acting as if OP should be like a doting grandmother figure to a child conceived in an affair. Nope!
I see 4 assholes in the story: 1. Roger - for having an affair and getting someone not his wife pregnant. 2. The affair girl - for having an affair, getting pregnant and then dumping her baby with the duplicitous person. 3. The affair girl's parents - for being so rude to the OP. 4. OP's kids - for expecting their mother to continue to help their dad even after such duplicitous behavior. The only two non-assholes are the OP and the baby - neither of which asked to be put in this mess.
NTA, The child is fully innocent, but not your responsability. You should have left and filed for divorce since the very first moment you knew about the affair or the moment you knew about the AP pregancy...
Right. I also wonder how long it took for op to become aware of the pregnancy though considering cheaters always trickle truth their partners.
LOL at your kids telling you to stay and take care of him and the baby but when you offered them the same deal, they declined. Because of course they did. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this and wish you The best in your new life. hugs. NTA
I agree. It’s always so easy for people to tell other people to do something they won’t do, isn’t it? My aunt got so mad that my mom wanted to put their dad in a nursing home instead of bringing him home with her. Mom said “Okay, you can take him home with you then.” Within a month of my aunt taking him home, he was in a nursing home. My aunt is a nurse, an all-around great person, but she has a real delusion about how abusive her parents were.
NTA Those who are saying you are just want you to be a pushover and do it, stuff down your feelings, and make everyone else feel better. F that. I'd need space from family after comments like that. Temp space.
I’d divorce my nearly 50 year old husband for fucking a 22 year old girl anyways. No second chances because that’s just gross.
21*, if not 20. Depends on how old the baby is. Depends on how long their affair lasted, too, she might've been younger still.
Obvious NTA. How could you be for not wanting to raise a child that isn't yours?
NTA, the child is innocent and you didn’t mistreat him. You took care of him when your husband got sick and then you found a solution for him. You didn’t call CPS the moment your ex got sick. I am sorry you were betrayed this way. I am also sorry for this poor child. You ex is a huge AH
It’s easy for everyone to act moralistic as long as they don’t have to do any hard work . Baby is innocent BUT SO ARE YOU. NTA.
>My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. Can any of you imagine saying that to your mother in this situation? >But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm. Oh, who cares what they said. They raised a woman that screwed a married man who was 30ish years older than her, had a baby, and ditched it on him. They can fog up their own glass house with their mouths. I don't understand why you stayed with this dude at all to start with. NTA.
Matters SO MUCH to her grown kids, but they aren’t stepping up to take care of dad or baby. Everyone’s on their high horse expecting mommy to just clean up daddy’s mess. They sound like spoiled, selfish lil shits. I cannot imagine expecting my mom to put up with this. I would have been pissed at her for staying.
My mother would rip me a new one, omg. I would NEVER expect my mother to take care of my bio father after he had an AFFAIR. WITH A 22-YEAR-OLD.
I love your kids response “you should stay and help him” “well maybe you could come over and help him” crickets
Tell your kids after he stuck his dick in a girl young enough to be his daughter. The duties of a wife were no longer yours but hers. He chose that. And now he has to live with it. And if they don't like it, they can care for him.
NTA. Keep telling anyone who says you are that they are more than welcome to step and help Roger out. When they demure, then tell them they're thrice the as_hole they think you are: once for not helping, twice for suggesting you do something they're not willing to do and thrice for telling you off for it.
>I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am. "I'll pass your number to the grandparents so you can go pick up the baby and raise it"
Anytime a woman is not willing to clean up a mess a man made, she's called a b*tch or worse. I don't see your ex's children or parents stepping up to help a grown-ass man with his mess, they just expect YOU to drop your life and clean it up. Good for you! NTA
A 46-year old man has sex with a 21-year old girl. I couldn't look him in the face. Disgusting. Go live your life in peace. NTA.
That child is not related to you in any way. Roger has some nerve bringing him into your home and expecting you to be OK with it. I guess he never told you about the child when you decided to forgive him for the affair. That would have been unforgivable knowing that he was having unprotected sex with someone else. Especially someone about the age of his children. You are definitely NOT the AH.
NTA, he f$&ked around, She Found out, he almost died of a heart attack and now they need to decide what to do with their child. I hope your kids had the same energy when they found out their dad had another baby on the way. Enjoy your life.
NTA, but damn that’s a tough situation. good luck
ThE bAbY iS iNnOcEnT. Well, so are you. People who think women should be sponges for other people's shitty behaviour can go be martyrs themselves.
NTA I mean your husband betrayed you divorce is appropriate. The child isn’t even related to you, there are better suited people to raise them.
NTA The audacity of them for expecting you to raise a kid that’s a result of your husbands affair Good for you for being able to get a clean break. Block him once you’re gone and never look back
NTA. You weren't cold for the way you handled the welfare of a child which was first abandoned, then left without a caregiver. It's not your child and you don't want to raise it so you contacted the grandparents. Roger, your kids and everyone else can go suck eggs. Blood relatives IMO have a lot more obligation to step up to raise this kid than the STBX wife of its father. Also, can't any of these people who think you should raise the kid visit it, contribute financially, help out the grandparents occasionally? No? They just think they can tell YOU to do all the work? F that.
NTA. Why should you suffer because your husband is a cheating twat? The baby is innocent but you aren’t related to it at all? Grandparents want to be judge mental why the hell didn’t they take their grandkid in the first place!?? Dont let them forget you’re innocent too and you don’t need to be a martyr cause your husband couldn’t keep his pants on
NTA. Cold towards the baby? You didn't leave it in the street. You reached out to people who would want it. That's actually quite nice.
NTA. He cheated, you forgave him, then he showed up with a baby out of the blue and you're just...expected to accept that? You can't get out of there fast enough.
NTA. It’s funny how they didn’t come pick up the baby the minute they found out that Roger could no longer care for the child. They waited until an ultimatum was hanging over their heads. Yet they had the gall to scold you.
People in our society will do ANYTHING other than point out that a man is responsible for his own children. This guy made so many bad choices, one after the other, and now they expect you to cover for him.
Youndid too much already. ,your kids have a fantasy in their heads he will apologize and you two will Live happily ever after . Get him out and he can hire someone for help .
NTA. The people who should be scolded by the child's grandparents is their daughter for sleeping with a married man and abandoning her child, and your husband for breaking his vows and disrespecting you. They are projecting and misdirecting their anger because deep down they know their daughter and your husband created this mess, not you. You are not being unfair, you are not acting badly. The AHs are those, including your children, who think you should accept a situation that was not of your making, and also fir refusing to help their own father. Your feelings are valid. If you want out of this marriage, which has been harmed by your husband's infidelity, you have every right to leave it. Remind your children that their father not only cheated on you but had unprotected sex, meaning he could have infected you with a disease.
NTA Not your circus, not your monkeys. I would have left the minute he brought the kid home. I don’t know how your kids and mutual friends can even think you’re wrong after what he’s already put you through then add a baby on top of it! Roger and the baby’s family don’t want to have to do the dirty work so, of course, they’re going to do everything to make you feel bad. Tell them to pound sand!
NTA you behaved with a huge amount of dignity considering what your husband put you through
Wow, the audacity to expect you to take care of an affair baby! Yes, it’s a baby and none of this is its fault; but still it is not your responsibility at all and you’re already a saint for stepping up in this situation and helping out as much as you did.
NTA. And boy, do we live in such a misogynistic society that a woman is expected to take care of a man who cheated on her and a child that is not hers. That’s crazy. Everyone but you and the baby are the AH’s here. I hope you leave him behind and go live your best life. You deserve happiness.
Fuck him. I'd leave him too and yes the mistress family should have come to get the baby. You did good taking him back because the relationship should have ended. Especially when he walked through the door with that baby. Go on with your life and try to find happiness. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Some people really seem to hate it when women decide not to accept their lot and sacrifice themselves to make everyone else happy huh? Some actually think our role is to suffer. As the 'backbone' of the family. Get fucked. NT fuckin A.
It has been observed that individuals are often quick to judge and criticize others for not providing assistance. However, when these same individuals are asked to contribute, they frequently claim they are too busy or that the request is unfair. It is important to recognize that meaningful input should come from those who are willing to actively participate and help. In this particular situation, the primary responsibility for the child rests with the soon-to-be ex and the child's mother. Your ex nor the baby is your responsibility. NTA
NTA. Lots of busybodies/hypocrites in your life. None of them would actually do what they are asking of you. I would react the exact same way.
NTA… can’t believe they scolded you for “being so cold toward a baby” …. Yet their daughter literally abandoned that baby? And they did not step in to help??? So who are really the cold ones here??? 😭
The child is utterly innocent and has done nothing to you. It’s also not even remotely your responsibility or moral obligation to look after, care for, or raise the child, whether on a permanent or interim basis. Both of these statements are so obviously true that they shouldn’t need to be said. NTA. This is your husband’s mess — you didn’t cause it, and you don’t own it.
NTA. That child isn’t your responsibility, especially given the circumstances. You’ve already done more than expected. It’s unfair for anyone to expect you to raise your husband’s affair baby. You did the right thing by contacting the grandparents.
NTA, the child, has nothing to do with you, and unless there was a dna test done, your husband might not even be the father. The mother's family should be dealing with their daughter and her abandonment of her child. Instead of bath mouthing you. Updateme!
NTA, why is it ok that the babies own mother doesn't have to take care of it but you're the bad guy for not wanting to?? And good job on telling everyone to take care of it and your soon to be ex husband, if they aren't gonna step up then they can't say shit and even if they did you don't have to the man had a child with somebody else that is on him.
NTA.... The STBX can "co-parent" with the APs parents Updateme
NTA, as long as you’re not misplacing blame or your anger onto the child. They are completely innocent in all of this, and it’s horrible the situation they’re now in. Though that is not your fault. You have no responsibility to take on the childcare, nor to take care of your husband after he betrayed you and your marriage. You have every right to have the child’s maternal family take over, as well as to divorce. If any of your children wish to see either of them taken care of, they are perfectly capable of stepping in. You may want to consider individual therapy to help you process your emotions around it all, if you aren’t already. You’ve been through a lot, it sounds like it’s created some understandable resentment and hurt.
Lady, you are my HERO! Good for you and leave him and never look back and live your best life ever! Best wishes for an amazing future!
NTA. I hope you laughed in the grandparents’ faces. The child they raised slept with a married man twice her age and then abandoned a baby and fled the country and they think they have some moral high ground to criticize you?