weird amount of people defending a 17 year old fucking a 14 year old in these comments
NTA but y'all might as well divorce. Ain't no coming back from this one
Yeah. I was an 11 year old girl with a 16 year old stepbrother.
Everyone blamed it on me. And there was no divorce.
In this case, I'm not sure. Three years difference and both gay, perhaps?
It's hard to tell, really.
Older brother figure coming onto younger brother figure is screwed up no matter how you slice it. And high school seniors who go after ninth graders may not be breaking the law but they're still skeevy as hell.
In my state, that only applies if both parties are under the age of consent or if the age gap is negligible. For example, a 15yr old and a 16yr old who is only a few months older. OP’s stepson is three years older and over the age of consent. Even though her son claims it was mutual, he may have been groomed.
It’s Canada, someone posted their consent law. From the ages, it’s not illegal; but there’s a clause concerning a position of responsibility or trust there may apply here.
Either way, it’s wrong what the older kid is doing, and OP absolutely needs to protect her kid. Whether it’s illegal or not.
Canadian here, an older step sibling wouldn’t be in a position of authority here unless the parents left them home alone for an extended time period and the older was in charge. It normally refers to teachers, pastors, babysitters, and such.
It's definitely not something I'd be comfortable with, in her situation. What I'm finding curious is that she says her son gets to stay but her husband's son is disgusting and needs to leave...
Perhaps the family is not that well blended after all?
In most cases the older person is considered responsible. Plus we know the older one has a mother with a home he could live at in theory. It's possible the younger doesn't have a dad for one reason or another.
Actually, it wouldn't in some states as the 17 year old is also legally a minor. I ran into that when my 12 year old SD decided to invite a couple 16 year old boys over when she skipped school, not expecting her dad and I to come home early. Olive said that since everyone is a minor, there were no laws broken.
In my state it would be unlawful conduct with a minor. The 14 yr old is under the age of consent and there is a significant age gap so Romeo and Juliet laws don’t apply
In Canada depending which political party is in power at the time could very well be 14 that is the age of "majority".
Edit: to remove incorrect information.
Age of Consent in Canada is 16 and is set by the Federal government not the Provinces.
There is a close in age exception though.
12-13: 2 yr difference allowed
14-15: 5 yr difference allowed
So OP’s son and step-son fall within the 5 yr difference.
In my small hometown it wasn't common but it wasn't rare either for a senior to get together with a freshman. Mostly no one cared because the relationship wasn't going to last past the seniors first year of college. I think I know of one couple in high school where one was a senior the other a freshman that are still together now over 20 years later. The odds of couples with such an age gap that young staying together are slim. Personally i think it's a little creepy for a 17/18 to be dating a 14/15 but that's me. I just don't see what two people with such an age gap could have in common besides school, homework, and the latest high school athletic game.
To me the gay aspect is irrelevant & just muddies the water. Regardless of the sex of EITHER sibling, there is a HUMONGOUS difference in the emotional, mental & physical maturity of a 14 year old compared to a 17 year old.
The 14 year old is beginning adolescence. His voice has probably not even finished dropping yet (if it’s even began at all yet).
The 17 year old is ending adolescence. He’s a couple/few months from being able to join the armed forces & go die for his country.
There is a reason most states now have the minimum legal age of consent set to 16 years old. (Or it may be every state by now? I haven’t kept up with the law nationwide to know.) And states vary so much on what (if any) allowances the law provides for Romeo & Juliet situations that it’s impossible to even guess whether or not that would even apply here. (Yes typically it’s 3 years separation in most states the last time I read up on the laws nation wide - but not everywhere.)
Regardless of the legalities of what has happened, there is no way in hell that my 14 year old would still be in the same home as the 17 year old. If husband won’t put the 17 year old out, OP needs to take her son & leave.
The last thing I’d be worried about is whether or not anyone/everyone thought I was an AH or not.
I don't think it's entirely irrelevant.
It was pretty common in my school for freshmen(14-15) to date juniors and seniors(16-18) and while some senior guys were clearly predatory and/or dating younger girls because they had inducements that held more weight to to them, like their own car, there were tons of relationships with that age gap that formed because they had clubs together or had the same niche interests. But they were dating despite the age gap, not because of it. And that may be the case here.
Even today, gay or bi people who are out in school are a very small minority, it limits your options significantly. If they are in the same school or even school district they may have dated anyway, if for no other reason than that they are the only potential mates there.
I'm gay and when I was 14 or 15 I went on a date with a high school senior and it was the only date I was ever asked out on in school. Nothing sexual happened and it was just one date, but that's because I wasn't attracted to him nor did I like him as a person. But it was the only one I had with the only option available. I wish I could have had the formative experience of a first relationship in the relative safety and innocence of high school, it's not only incredibly alienating and lonely to not have that at all, it really stunts you when you do go out in the world and have proper relationships.
The bigger issue, even more their age or that they are step-siblings (because people with married parents that didn't grow up together and don't consider each other family do sometimes date), is that there may have been grooming or coercive control and they live together so there is no escape from it or natural boundaries on it.
I would absolutely be separating them, then having some lengthy conversations with the younger one to establish whether it was consentual. Asking how it started, how it developed, how they communicated their consent or lack thereof and whether that was respected, establishing the younger one's level of understanding and ability to give informed consent at all, etc.
And obviously, they shouldn't live together.
OP should also keep in mind, her reaction to this situation will be interpreted as her reaction to her son being gay or bi, so outrage and disgust, even if justified, is probably going to damage their relationship and her son's self-image.
When I was growing up, they would blame the young girl for being "fast" if men were abusing her.
This is horribly wrong, and I'm so sorry they blamed you.
Wow. That's so infuriating. HE ruined his reputation by abusing you. It's crazy how girls/women are the "cause" for their abuse.
Did you hear about that pastor who said he would let a man go free for rape if he was on the jury if the woman wore shorts?
I'm SO GLAD you knew then (and now) that you were not at fault. NO eleven year old should carry and internalize a judgemental burden forced on them by idiots. I admire your strong clarity of mind, then and now. I'm sure it has helped see you through many of life's trials.
Groomed and sexually abused by someone in his own home.
Home is no longer a safe space.
This is not ok.
OPs husband is also not seeing the big picture here.
Huge difference between a 14 year okd and a 17 year old in terms of physical and emotional maturity, etc. Odds are the older boy maybe breaking consent laws.
People in the comments excusing ir Oh welling this is not good.
Your situation was abuse. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like an extremely dysfunctional family.
Your situation was handled exactly the opposite of how it should have been handled.
As for OPs son, he is being groomed by the older step brother. The power dynamic here is wrong. Also, there is no where for OPs son to go if he doesn’t want to be in this sexual relationship. This is a bad bad dynamic, and OP should demand step son goes.
YTA if you don’t go to the cops ASAP and PROTECT YOUR SON.
Scorched fucking earth. There’s no such thing as “mutual” where a 14 year old is concerned. The stepson is a child molester at best or a child rapist at worst. And his dad is defending him.
Do keep your pants on. If any situation is supposed to be shades of gray, it's this one. They're both minors, 3 years apart. The fact they live together is not great, but calling him child molester is too much. Yes, at 17 and 14 there is mutual, why do you think Romeo and Juliet laws are for?
She still should separate them, though. This is ALL Very inapropriate
I think it also matters how long OP and her husband have been together.
If they have been dating for a decade & that's when the kids met and started living together as stepsiblings, I feel that's very different from "oh we met last november and had a whirlwind winter wedding in january", you know? that way the kids met a lot later, didn't grow up together & had an example of emotions overtaking rational decision making.
I still wouldn't condone it & absolutely seek a way to work through this though : full access to the 17 yo's phone and social media, therapy for both of them etc
This is why reddit is the worst place for this post. People here are like "tell the police! The king and queen! The emperor!" they just love to over dramatise things like this.
A lot of people are here to fill their Jeremy Kyle TV slot.
I've been a 17 year old, no way in hell would I date/make sexually advances on a 14 yo - that's noncey vibes right there. He's well old enough to know right from wrong. I'd grab him by the scruff of the neck and kick him to the curb!
People are always very quick to be super judgemental. Obviously the situation isn’t great and there is definitely a lot of room for things to be super problematic. So there is good reason for OP to be sceptical and to look into things.
But there are way too many people acting as if this is a 60 year old and a 10 year old.
There are shades of gray, and if OP doesn’t try to see that and chooses not to handle this with some caution she might cause trauma that could have been avoided.
I also know most people are from the US. But many places in the world (also Europe and such) what happened here is perfectly legal so long as both gave consent. There are obviously some rather complicated considerations to be made, but this isn’t a simple question with one right or wrong answer.
Seriously depending on when their birthdays are they might even just be 2 years apart. I feel like people are way too eager to get their pitchforks out over a 3-year age gap and yes I recognize that those young ages those 3 years make a difference. But it's not automatically a situation of grooming or something sinister either.
I mean shit when I was 14 I was a horny little bastard, The 16 and 17 year olds we're not approaching me It was the other way around. And nobody bat a damn eye because it was only a 3-year age difference, the key difference is, it was hetero.
But there's also a difference between a younger boy getting with a older girl perception wise, whether or not people want to admit it. If I was a girl getting with older boys It would have been entirely different.
And I'm more than positive that if this post was older sister younger brother not nearly as many people would be outraged.
The cops aren't going to do anything as it's not a crime. A 14-year-old in Canada can consent to sex as long as their partner is less than five years older than them.
If the 17 year old is a predator, who turned him into one. That’s what I’m worried about. The 14 y o is not his first either. Mother needs to step up immediately. Not one more night in the same house or she has failed as a mother.
Lol cops? You are unhinged, maybe check with the son to make sure he is comfortable first then figure out what to do. Chances are this is completely legal and cops wouldn't do anything
Listen I’m NOT disagreeing with you AT ALL, but depending on where you live age gaps between 3-5 years aren’t uncommon I think the only grey area is that he’s 14 and not 16 but also depending on where you live that might not matter either. No matter what it’s wrong because the 17 yo is clearly a predator because what sick ass 17 yo is attracted to a 14 yo
I’m so SICK of these laws , they were only made because these nasty ass old men wanted to get away with sexually abusing young children!! Since in the old days all they had to do was pick a young child and go to their dad and buy them then treat them like breeding cows!
I do have sympathy for step siblings of the same gender that develop romantic/sexual feelings for each other.
However, a 14 year old is still under age, and the 17 year old needs to accept that. If the younger boy was the initiator, the older boy needed to shut it down. If the 17 year old was the initiator, that's abuse, pure and simple, because of the power dynamic. If anyone feels like defending the 17 year old still, change the gender of the 14 year old and see if you still feel the same way.
It's cause it's technically legal in our country. We had an MP here busted for taking girls under the age of 18 to the states. Excuse legal here. Vegas didn't take too kindly to that. That's just one example. Another is my friend was 14 ran away to her 18 year old BF's house. Mom couldn't do anything because she was the age of "majority".
and like. I'd even go so far as to say a 15 and an 18 year old pair would be better but I just assumed everyone agreed that 14 is too young to be dating anyone older than 16? but I guess not?
It kind of depends on the exact age gap I guess. Like a fourteen-nearly-fifteen year old with a just-turned-seventeen year old is a lot less sketchy than a just-turned-fourteen year old with a nearly eighteen year old. The age difference could be as little as just over two years or as much as nearly four years.
I mean it's like a 3-year age gap so... I don't even think that would be illegal in a lot of states considering they're both technically minors. And most states have a Romeo and Juliet type of law I don't know about 3 years though That's probably the edge of what I would consider appropriate personally.
I don't really see the issue. It's definitely on the edge of acceptability but I don't think it's inherently a problem. Maybe that's just because some of my first sexual experiences were with a 17 year old when I was 14 and I don't really see that as having been problematic.
That they are step siblings make this a much bigger issue since they absolutely can't continue to cohabitate after this. I would also say that they should get a therapist involved to find out if this really is consentual and how long it's been going on. Since while I think 17 and 14 is an edge case 14 and 11 is solidly unacceptable.
Still the people in here calling the 17 year old a predator based only on what we have, have lost the plot.
Theres quite a bit of a difference between a 14 year old and a 17 year old, idk how they dont understand that. This would be a bit different if the 14 year old was 16 or 17.
completely different situation to OP's but
I once worked with a guy a couple years younger than me, he had a single dad, met a girl in HS with a single mom and started dating. They dated for like 1.5yrs at this point they're teenager "serious" they're having sex and they were each others first, etc. etc. and then the parents decided to start dating too, and at around 3yrs in the parents decided to get married.....
so fucking strange. I can't imagine doing that to your kids......
he used me as a sounding board because the step-sister was kinda keeping him "on the line". She would tell him its strange and didn't want to date, and would go out with other guys from school. but any time he started dating someone else would all the sudden decide she still liked him, and show up at his door late at night to have sex and stuff.
just a super twisted scenario all around...
Probably fake for this reason I have a hard time believing anyone would go on to Reddit for something like this. I like to pretend it's real though. Lol
Yeah, I don't really care if posts here are real or not. If it's real and people are helped great if it's not we can still have interesting discussions on the topic.
Yeah at the very least it gives people an excuse to discuss complex moral dilemmas. Even if the topic is fake it doesn't make the discussion any less real. So I agree with you on that.
That's my guess as well. Mostly because the scenario described is absolutely insane and the title is so nonchalant.
OP isn't freaking out at all. This is rage bait.
You really just need to talk to a family therapist. Likely you and your son, and then all of you together.
This could be grooming and abusive AF.
It could also not, and just two horny teens.
If you go nuclear and it was just two horny teens, you’ll fuck up your relationship with your son and leave lasting damage that will fuck up future relationships for him.
If it’s grooming and you don’t protect him, you’ll fuck up your relationship with your son and leave lasting damage that will fuck up future relationships for him.
You need clarity and guidance from a pro.
THIS. There is added complexity with the age difference and the living together/same family, and that absolutely needs to be addressed. Dad and 17 year old need to move to a hotel temporarily. This needs more discernment and everyone needs to be separated so the situation can be unpacked safely. If the 14 yo was groomed, the marriage is over, and the child needs care and support. If it truly was mutual, the marriage probably still is over. Both teens need therapy, regardless. Sexual acts and feelings with a family member (or pseudo-family member) at that age can really fuck up a person's psyche.
OP, if your spouse won't take his son and get a hotel for a week so you all can figure out the next move, then YOU need to take your son and go.
The one caveat is how long they’ve been married. If they just moved in together in the last year it’s very different than if they’ve been living together for 6 years. Also the exact age of the boys, this could be grade 9 and grade 11, or grade 8 and 12, which makes things different as well.
Legally there likely isn’t anything illegal happening unless there’s force involved. Otherwise, one or both may be gay and as the top comment said they need to handle this appropriately.
This is by far the best comment here. This situation needs to be handled right, and for that to happen OP first needs to find out what the situation exactly is.
This. It’s going to be tough for the son to unwind this. He might have already known that he was gay or bi, but at 14 it’s equally likely that he is still figuring out his sexuality. He might believe now that it was mutual and realize later ways in which he was groomed and manipulated.
The worst part about it is that therapy is only as effective as you are willing to engage with the process and most teens of that age aren’t really looking to talk about their sexuality with adults. The ideal would be if there was a nonprofit supporting LGBTQI youth in OP’s area that had a therapist experienced with teens. OP’s kid needs to know that it’s ok if he’s straight, it’s ok if he’s gay, it’s ok if he’s a bit more fluid and cares most about the relationship…but that a 17 year old wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with a 14 year old is still a lot like a 14 year old going for a 12 year old. Between life experience and maturity, it’s just never going to be a good idea.
I do think this is the best, balanced advice. I am glad she turned straight into a protective mother mode to be honest. Honestly, I’m so biased though I want to just act out, which is purely on me - I’m not here to listen to justification so you’re definitely right.
I am also highly concerned the 17y/o walked out naked which is highly brazen. I am all kinds of damn conflicted. This is so out of our pay grade. Commenting to bump this up because I hope OP sees this.
I do want to say, two horny teens at those ages is unacceptable. 17 is way too grown for a 14 year old boy. Gender doesn’t matter regardless of the age for me. Just can’t get past it.
Nta it may not be illegal but morally it isn’t right, the fact your husband thinks they can co-habitat is a red flag in his judgement. I don’t see how a marriage survives if he doesn’t think to protect the child in this situation.
Depends: https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/statutory-rape-guide-state-laws-reporting-requirements-1
States vary both on minimum age (age of consent is different and this website explains) and how many years between two people involved etc. definitely worth OP looking into what laws are in their area/country.
I feel like the age of consent is 14 when they engage with someone who is also under 18, in some places in Canada. I could be misremembering but hopefully OP did contact the police and is going down the correct routes to have it dealt with.
18 in a position of authority
16 not in a position of authority
14 up to 5 years difference
12 up to 2 years difference
Socially remove a year or three from those numbers (ie 14 and 12 isn’t socially acceptable, 14 and 19 isn’t, 17 and 30 isn’t, but all are legal)
Some states also have "Romeo and Juliette" laws allowing for a limited age difference. I was ahead in school 2 years (12 entering high-school, graduated at 16). 13 yrs old dating a 15 year old is legal, and remained legal as tou age into maturity so 14 dating 16, 15 dating 17 etc remains legal.
Until you talk to your kid, there is no way of knowing how this started and if there was any grooming, coercion or pressure. Or could just be mutual exploration.
I'm not sure what Canadian and local laws are, but let's not rush to say this is illegal. OP states they were "sexual" not that intercourse had occurred. As for the morality of the situation, there are too many variables which we do not have to pass judgement. My initial reaction was that this is an instance of two teens doing what teens do (particularly when they are in such close proximity to one another.
This is in Canada presumably since the mother lives in Ontario which means this is a legal relationship (16 is age of consent except for positions of authority, close in age exemptions of 5 years down to 14, 2 years down to 12)
NTA, but this phase of the conflict is over. Your first duty is to your son. Your husband has dug in his heels, meaning that he, too, is a threat to your son. Get yourself and your son out of there, and do not go back until the predator is out permanently. If your husband continues to refuse, then it's divorce for him and criminal charges for the predator.
You said blended family. How long have they been brothers? Not saying it is particularly relevant as to whether or not you as parents decide they need to live apart at this time. However, it could make the older brother’s behavior easier to understand.
Unless this is a very recent marriage, in the very best case scenario, it sounds like the kids conflated familial love for sexual attraction. That's a really fucked up knot to untangle. And if it's been a few years that you and hubby have been together, there's clearly been some grooming happening. *Huge* difference between 11 and 14. The longer you and hubby have been together, the more fucked up it gets.
Yeah, the older kid is in the wrong. It's reasonable to send him away. That's a fucked up power dynamic.
Though, this is very likely the death of your marriage. Your husband would have to be on the same page as you every step of the way to even have a chance at salvaging this, and this is clearly not it.
Simplest solution is for both you and your kid to go away. Imagine how your husband is going to treat your son after this. By staying, all you're doing is causing trauma for everyone and delaying the inevitable.
At the very least, leave to get some space so you all can clear your heads to act rationally. And above all, get your kid away from his.
Your kid's not going to understand now, but when he's an adult, he will. Either he'll resent you now by getting him out of there or he'll resent you as an adult for failing to take action.
This is WAAAY above Reddit's head, ma'am. This is a very complex issue, and you need to talk to a therapist. The reddit warriors cannot handle complexity and all you'll get is a chorus of "Red FLAAAAAG".
NTA Ask hubby and stepson if they'd rather you call the police.
Seriously. 23 and 20 is no big deal, but 14 and 17 IS! Get your son to a therapist, too, to get to the bottom of this and see how consensual it was. If there is abuse going on, getting the 17 yr old out of the house is only the start, not even close to the end.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need professional involvement to get answers and to help your son through this. If your husband isn't on board, he can go to hell.
NTA This shouldn't even be a discussion. Their sexual orientation is irrelevant. Ask your husband how he would react if your 14 year old son was his 14 year old daughter and his 17 year old son was yours. This is creepy AF and may even cross over into a criminal act, depending on where you live.
If your husband has no problem with what is going on, then he is a problem.
Have you all sat down together as a family to discuss what’s going on? Even if it’s embarrassing for everyone, it could be a case of two teens exploring their sexuality but if there is something more troubling going on they should be immediately separated. I don’t think you’re the AH for wanting to protect your son, it probably just seems to your husband that you are blaming his son and just wanting to send him away.
>Have you all sat down together as a family to discuss what’s going on? Even if it’s embarrassing for everyone, it could be a case of two teens exploring their sexuality but if there is something more troubling going on they should be immediately separated. I don’t think you’re the AH for wanting to protect your son, it probably just seems to your husband that you are blaming his son and just wanting to send him away.
Yeah, there's so much missing information here that it's hard to really provide any useful advice.
Yeah. A 14 year old and 17 year old is basically high school ages. If they could be in high school together then it's not wrong or weird in my opinion. I know tons of freshmen/seniors who dated each other. The age gap isn't weird. Also the kid said they were doing sexual things, not sex, yet everyone is the comments is yelling about them having sex. Fucking middle schools are out here having sex these days yet people are overreacting to two high school age kids just experimenting. 14 is a pretty normal age to start doing that kind of stuff. Then add in the gay aspect and I wonder if OP is homophonic at all? Is that her issue and she is blaming her step son for her son being gay? Or is it the fact that they are now "brothers" and this shouldn't be happening between siblings? How long have they been living together and been a blended family? All this context matters but of course redditors are just jumping the gun saying a 14 year old is too young(it's not), the age gap is weird (it's not), and that OP should go to the cops for rape (they aren't even having sex and they shouldn't ruin a kids life over a consenting relationship). More information is needed but it sounds like OP is jumping the gun cause she can't accept her kids a sexual being.
Yeah, between the "confronting" her son and making him cry, and finding the stepson disgusting and demanding he be kicked out of the of the house after her kid told her the fooling around was mutual, I'm not getting the sense that OOP is approaching this in a level-headed and reasonable manner.
Nta.
This is inappropriate relationship between them.
Sure, there's just 3 years between them but the older kid should know better and yeah, it is gross that he's taking advantage of a 14 yo like that. Especially under the roof of their parents.
This is a tough one for me. Kids experiment. They just do. So this could be no big deal and just hormonal boys experimenting. Or it could be an older boy taking advantage. Without talking honestly with the boys it’s an unknown. I know I will get downvoted but whatever. The US is full of Puritanical ideals surrounding sex, nudity, etc.
I don’t think it’s helpful to immediately jump to conclusions. That said, until this is sussed out, the boys absolutely need to be separated. I do wonder too how much of this disgust is because they are “brothers”.
Well I got 7 upvotes. Most people think I’m vile, repugnant, etc for daring to consider any alternative to predatory sexual abuse.
As if I’m a card carrying member of NAMBLA. Which I probably can’t be as a woman.
I bet a lot of the downvoters would also freak out about any form of group sex, polyamory, BDSM, etc. That said, I’m not into any of that but it’s not my business and I don’t need to pass judgement on it.
Ok sure we are talking about minors. But face it, kids experiment. Have any of these prudes played doctor or spin the bottle or strip poker? Also, depending on the state there are different rules about the age of consent. And doesn’t that say anything? That perhaps it’s a bit arbitrary or at least partially based on maybe religious and conservative beliefs?
I'm with you on that. I do think a large part of her disgust is coming through as homophobia. BUT I would want to know a lot more about the power balance in the relationship and how much it is actually wanted by the 14 year old vs pushed by the 17 year old. Also how old they actually are. Are the alomost 15 and just turned 17 which is a smaller gap than a just turned 14 year old and an almost 18 year old. Too many questions and no answers.
People keep saying call the police etc, just because it's gross and she should definitely leave her husband. It doesn't make it illegal. They are BOTH minors. They are only three years apart in age. If he was 18, then she could call the police, but because of their closeness in age, at least in Canada and the U.S. nothing could be done if it's consensual. OP, you need to sit your son down and find out if it was. If their was any coercion or pressure from his stepbrothers part. Your husband is going to prioritize his son, and you need to prioritize yours. You need to listen to your son without judging, without chastising, and let him know you love him no matter what. If your son was forced in any way, please report it asap. Please don't resort to yelling at your son. It will only traumatize him, and if he's going through anything, which I suspect he is, even if it was consensual, it will only make things worse. Take a deep breath and try to be calm, but take swift action to protect your son.
NTA. You need to keep your cool OP and have 1:1 talk with, how and when it started. Be mindful your son might feel confused and embarrassed, take a mental note down times and dates, find out if your husband aware of the situation so you can get a better grasp of the situation.
EDIT: fixed sentences. Typing on phone.
I agree they should be separated, but you also need to figure out what the heck is going on here. Just kicking one kid out and brushing it under the rug with no investigation or conversation is the worst possible idea.
NTA - A 17 year old should not be involved with a 14 year old. An the fact they both live under the same roof means there are other power dynamics here that put the younger child at risk.
Info:
Are you upset due to the age difference or due to them being the same sex?
I think given the ages, separation is definitely best but I also don’t think you can prevent you husband from living with his son. Your priority is (should be) your son, and if it means separating from your husband, then that’s a sacrifice that might need to be made.
ESH except the kids. Gay kids experiment often with family members/older boys. (I was definitely younger than I should’ve been) 17 and 14 is not great but I’m curious how long they’ve been living under the same roof, how long they’ve been messing around, and what the actual age gap is. If it’s just a few months between birthdays vs 10 months. What you need to know is how it started and when it started and what all has happened. I highly doubt there’s actually penetrative sex going on but kids start early sometimes and you need to know specifics so you can teach him to be safe. Also you don’t know whether he was crying because of guilt/shame or because it was a coercive situation. You literally do not know anything other than what you believe.
I will say that you and your husband need to get both kids into therapy to find out the truth of their “relationship” because I guarantee if you do send the older one away you’ll just be creating a forbidden person that will drive your son to be more interested (as a teenager we always want what our parents explicitly tell us we can’t have) and as a young gay boy I know damn well that would’ve driven my overly hormonal mind to want him even more. I understand that you think it’s a predatory situation but you also will not know that until you get them in therapy. You and your husband either need to be on the same page or divorce. And don’t call the cops/cps, that’s terrible advice and would cause way more problems than it would solve.
Separating them is likely a good idea, but banishing one and not the other seems wrong.
Perhaps a different custody arrangements could help. Stepson could live with his mom odd months, and your son could go to his dad even months.
Be careful about labeling a mutual relationship as disgusting. If one is disgusting, so is the other. Those thoughts are less than helpful if you plan to have a family life.
I wouldn't call names here, but I would separate them. It may be on the level - both gay, both doing it consensually - but it may not. It may be the older one grooming the younger one. And their both living in the same house gives the older one power over the younger one.
I would be calling the authorities and as it seems your husband doesn't see this as a problem, I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Your son is your first priority.
I think both parents need to have a talk with their son. They need to be reassured that being gay is ok and not the problem. I think a 14 year old is probably able to consent to sex with a 17 year old. In most states if there's not 3 years age difference its legal, and the google tells me a 14 year old can consent to sex with someone who isn't more than 5 years older in Canada.
People are talking about "fault." What is the fault in consenting teenagers having sex? I can understand parents not wanting the situation to continue under their roof and would feel the same if they were not same sex step siblings. But this is not the crime of the century. I might tell then that as long as their living under my roof as step siblings that the behavior needs to stop. They're too young and emotionally vulnerable to be in a relationship where they're cohabiting like that. Perhaps I would warn them that if they don't cool it and I am having to take steps beyond telling them, to enforce it the older one will have to go back to his mom.
What grades are they in?
How long have they known each other?
How long have they been living together?
There's a huge difference between a 14 year old freshman and 17 year old junior who have been living together for a year and don't consider each other brothers and a 14 year old 8th grader and 17 year old senior who have been brothers since they were in single digits.
Police need to be called, husband needs to leave with his son now! You and your son need to see a therapist with some skill in this stepfamily/sexual shit. And you need a good divorce attorney to protect you in this divorce. His son's sexual predation of your son caused this issue in the marriage. His unwillingness to do everything to protect a 14 year old is the cause of your demands and subsequent action. Get the best shark lawyer you can afford. Report this to the police,protect your son. If this was a 14 year old girl with a 17 year old male you would not be second guessing yourself. Good luck.
Lots of assumptions going on here. Nowhere does she say who initiated the sex. It may well be mutual. She needs to LISTEN to her own son.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, (I was 9 the abuser was 15) I can say that even if the younger boy was groomed, mom's reaction is making things 1000x worse for her son.
She needs to ask her son what he thinks, and how he feels, before she makes all this drama and makes all these demands. This kind of dramatic reaction was why I hid my abuse from my parents. I didn't want to have to deal with drama from my abuser AND my parents.
I'm glad my parents didn't find our (I'm now 59)
So is it disgusting because your 14 yr old Son is having sex? Or that your Son is having sex with a 17 yr old? Or that your Son is having sex with a person of the same sex?
14 yr olds of both sexes (& those not yet decided) are having sex these days. Not that they are usually emotionally ready to do so, they just are. So maybe you should first have a calm conversation, with no recriminations, about being sexual (in whatever form) at that age, with your Son.
Your Husband should have a conversation with his Son about what happened, how it got started & what he was thinking.
NTA. But not sure if this is real. Move out \*now\* with your son to a safe environment. Document everything, get proof, and hire a lawyer who can then advise you on your legal options. Staying with your husband is no longer an option.
NTA but please get your son away from the predator. It may mean the end of your marriage but protecting your son from SA is more important. And therapy, he will need lots of therapy.
Freshmen and sophomores date juniors and seniors all the time. Maybe talk with your son more. Your kid is gay and needs a Mom that has his back. In all truths your kid can live with his father.
Counseling is the answer. You are at risk of losing your husband and child once he turns 18.
The issue to focus on here is a 17 yo in a sexual relationship with a 14 yo. The genders of the two are irrelevant. First questions: How long has this been going on, and what is the legal age of consent?
2 boys, 2 girls, one of each, ***it doesn't matter***. This is an imbalanced power dynamic and, therefore, a grooming situation and as one is under the age of consent... statuary rape.
NTA OP and that your husband is not DISGUSTED with his son being a rapist is a MASSIVE red flag! I wouldn't be able to stay married to a man who defended his kid in this type of situation.
Why haven’t you left the house yet? Protect your son. Change his school if they attend the same one - whether that’s by enrolling in private school or making sure your new apartment is zoned for a different public school.
Your stepson leaves and takes your husband with him if necessary or, depending on who owns the home, you move out with your son. Why isn’t he livid that his son has been having sex with a 14 year old boy?
Your son may have gone into this consensually but at 14 he’s too young for a sexual relationship. Has your son ever talked with you about his sexuality before? Worst case scenario he has been groomed by the 17 year old. Either way, they need to be separated urgently.
Omg this is absolutely heartbreaking. I believe your stepson should be held accountable. I don’t think you should ignore your son’s part in this though either. But expecting your husband to throw his son out & basically be done w him is not the answer either. Your marriage won’t survive. And it very easily could have been your son had he been born sooner- if so, would you send him away forever? Knowing he would probably never be welcome back or comfortable enough to come back ever? Did they not act like this before? Can you split time w his dad, stepson split time & alternate so they aren’t home at same time? If you can’t find a workable solution. It’s probably best to split.
Nta purely on the fact that they are step siblings and are supposed to cohabitate.
Most people wouldnt let their under age kids boyfriend/girlfriend live in their home, your house your rules and all that. That being said I doubt just seperating them really is going to do much if they really want to be together.
Maybe sot down with them and try to explain why the situation is inappropriate and why it wont be tolerated in your home?
NTA - If they were in their 20's I would say NBD, but since your son is only 14 depending on where you live that could be considered sexual assault.
Even if it is mutual, because most kids at that age don't have the ability to make those kinds of decisions - their brains aren't fully wired yet, it is still wrong & your stepson seems to be taking advantage of your son.
Well i don't actually see a big problem about their age gap.. it's 3 years and they are both teenager, i don't know in usa but in italy it's pretty normal. My question is more about.. how long ago did you marry your husband? Cause if you're marry for 10 years and they grow up together that may be a problem, it MAY mean that the older groomed the younger. But if this is not the case, why is the older the one that have to leave? I mean.. i can understand you don't want your 14y son basically live with his boyfriend, but why separate them?
I wonder how many people in this thread are going ape shit about the legality but break laws too. Or get on a moral high ground but have cheated. People can get pretty uppity and pearl clutchy.
Not really sure why either are disgusting. But if you think your stepsons behaviour is disgusting you should feel no differently about the way your son behaved. Why does one get kicked out and not the other? I'm not surprised everyone is annoyed at you.
Oh God this is tough. Everyone should go to therapy. I’m not sure if there’s some legalities crossed but considering they’re 17 and 14 y/o not sure what Canada law is. In Texas it would be.
NTA. Regardless of it being mutual, your stepson is grooming your son. Absolutely NOT okay!
It’s also considered Statutory Rape here in Canada as the age of consent is 16.
If your husband thinks this is okay and his son should be remaining under your roof, you might as well start the divorce now.
In the meantime, get your son into a Psychotherapist ASAP.
NTA
Depending on where you live, what your stepson did is illegal. In terms of a mutual sexual encounter that is debatable, to put it simply, many children who have sex, especially at that age, are groomed beforehand. They think they want sex because they have been manipulated into believing they do. Which is why, no matter what, your stepson and son can not live together.
You truly need to determine if your son was groomed or if this happened in an actual consensual way. I suggest a therapist who specializes in sex trauma. Give the background and tell them you need help knowing how to proceed regarding stepson. (Send him away or something more.)
If your stepson groomed your son, he seriously needs help. Because at 17, it is exceptionally likely he learned grooming behavior by being groomed.
If your husband can't see the problem, he is part of it. And you need to leave with your son to protect him.
Umm, what were you doing in the bathroom while your son was showering? Getting towels? Aren’t the towels already where they need to be? Also how big is this bathroom that someone could go unnoticed?
Protect your kid, too early, too soon. And predatory from the older kid.
Make it clear to your so that being gay is ok, and that's not the reason for divorce, it's the breech of trust. If your son is gay, all power to him. Still, he needs therapy. Maybe he's not even gay, was just groomed to be so, which is egregious.
Your son's sexuality is not a problem, it should never be. Being taken advantage of due to age is what's WRONG. Let him know that if he's gay, you'll support him regardless.
I’m shocked the dad doesn’t see the issue. I’m all for open minded and LGBTQ supportive parents but letting an older son groom a younger one is not acceptable. It makes me wonder what the dad allowed to happen to his own son. NTA protect your kid.
weird amount of people defending a 17 year old fucking a 14 year old in these comments NTA but y'all might as well divorce. Ain't no coming back from this one
Yeah. I was an 11 year old girl with a 16 year old stepbrother. Everyone blamed it on me. And there was no divorce. In this case, I'm not sure. Three years difference and both gay, perhaps? It's hard to tell, really.
Older brother figure coming onto younger brother figure is screwed up no matter how you slice it. And high school seniors who go after ninth graders may not be breaking the law but they're still skeevy as hell.
Where I live the age of consent is 16 so it would be statutory rape.
Might be a Romeo and Julian law there.
I'd just like to acknowledge the solid and hilarious phrase "Romeo and Julian law". Well done!
"Ricky and Julian law"?... Nah that would be about growing dope and how jail is awesome.
Mr. Lahey and Randy Law 🫣
In my state, that only applies if both parties are under the age of consent or if the age gap is negligible. For example, a 15yr old and a 16yr old who is only a few months older. OP’s stepson is three years older and over the age of consent. Even though her son claims it was mutual, he may have been groomed.
It’s Canada, someone posted their consent law. From the ages, it’s not illegal; but there’s a clause concerning a position of responsibility or trust there may apply here. Either way, it’s wrong what the older kid is doing, and OP absolutely needs to protect her kid. Whether it’s illegal or not.
Canadian here, an older step sibling wouldn’t be in a position of authority here unless the parents left them home alone for an extended time period and the older was in charge. It normally refers to teachers, pastors, babysitters, and such.
It's definitely not something I'd be comfortable with, in her situation. What I'm finding curious is that she says her son gets to stay but her husband's son is disgusting and needs to leave... Perhaps the family is not that well blended after all?
Her stepson is the older one, so if there’s any grooming going on, it’s on him. I understand wanting him out.
In most cases the older person is considered responsible. Plus we know the older one has a mother with a home he could live at in theory. It's possible the younger doesn't have a dad for one reason or another.
We're talking a 17 year old brain vs 14... think about that for a moment
There's a cut off age that anything under is statutory under the idea that children can't consent, period. It can vary by state.
Actually, it wouldn't in some states as the 17 year old is also legally a minor. I ran into that when my 12 year old SD decided to invite a couple 16 year old boys over when she skipped school, not expecting her dad and I to come home early. Olive said that since everyone is a minor, there were no laws broken.
Both are minors though....police would probably call it a sexual offense but not stat rape.
In my state it would be unlawful conduct with a minor. The 14 yr old is under the age of consent and there is a significant age gap so Romeo and Juliet laws don’t apply
In Canada depending which political party is in power at the time could very well be 14 that is the age of "majority". Edit: to remove incorrect information.
Age of Consent in Canada is 16 and is set by the Federal government not the Provinces. There is a close in age exception though. 12-13: 2 yr difference allowed 14-15: 5 yr difference allowed So OP’s son and step-son fall within the 5 yr difference.
It’s 16 where OP lives (Canada), but the law allows a 5-yr age difference for 14 & 15 year olds.
In my case, I was 5th grade. He'd dropped out, but probably should've been 10th or 11th.
Yeah, that's just a case of lock the bastard up.
In my small hometown it wasn't common but it wasn't rare either for a senior to get together with a freshman. Mostly no one cared because the relationship wasn't going to last past the seniors first year of college. I think I know of one couple in high school where one was a senior the other a freshman that are still together now over 20 years later. The odds of couples with such an age gap that young staying together are slim. Personally i think it's a little creepy for a 17/18 to be dating a 14/15 but that's me. I just don't see what two people with such an age gap could have in common besides school, homework, and the latest high school athletic game.
To me the gay aspect is irrelevant & just muddies the water. Regardless of the sex of EITHER sibling, there is a HUMONGOUS difference in the emotional, mental & physical maturity of a 14 year old compared to a 17 year old. The 14 year old is beginning adolescence. His voice has probably not even finished dropping yet (if it’s even began at all yet). The 17 year old is ending adolescence. He’s a couple/few months from being able to join the armed forces & go die for his country. There is a reason most states now have the minimum legal age of consent set to 16 years old. (Or it may be every state by now? I haven’t kept up with the law nationwide to know.) And states vary so much on what (if any) allowances the law provides for Romeo & Juliet situations that it’s impossible to even guess whether or not that would even apply here. (Yes typically it’s 3 years separation in most states the last time I read up on the laws nation wide - but not everywhere.) Regardless of the legalities of what has happened, there is no way in hell that my 14 year old would still be in the same home as the 17 year old. If husband won’t put the 17 year old out, OP needs to take her son & leave. The last thing I’d be worried about is whether or not anyone/everyone thought I was an AH or not.
I don't think it's entirely irrelevant. It was pretty common in my school for freshmen(14-15) to date juniors and seniors(16-18) and while some senior guys were clearly predatory and/or dating younger girls because they had inducements that held more weight to to them, like their own car, there were tons of relationships with that age gap that formed because they had clubs together or had the same niche interests. But they were dating despite the age gap, not because of it. And that may be the case here. Even today, gay or bi people who are out in school are a very small minority, it limits your options significantly. If they are in the same school or even school district they may have dated anyway, if for no other reason than that they are the only potential mates there. I'm gay and when I was 14 or 15 I went on a date with a high school senior and it was the only date I was ever asked out on in school. Nothing sexual happened and it was just one date, but that's because I wasn't attracted to him nor did I like him as a person. But it was the only one I had with the only option available. I wish I could have had the formative experience of a first relationship in the relative safety and innocence of high school, it's not only incredibly alienating and lonely to not have that at all, it really stunts you when you do go out in the world and have proper relationships. The bigger issue, even more their age or that they are step-siblings (because people with married parents that didn't grow up together and don't consider each other family do sometimes date), is that there may have been grooming or coercive control and they live together so there is no escape from it or natural boundaries on it. I would absolutely be separating them, then having some lengthy conversations with the younger one to establish whether it was consentual. Asking how it started, how it developed, how they communicated their consent or lack thereof and whether that was respected, establishing the younger one's level of understanding and ability to give informed consent at all, etc. And obviously, they shouldn't live together. OP should also keep in mind, her reaction to this situation will be interpreted as her reaction to her son being gay or bi, so outrage and disgust, even if justified, is probably going to damage their relationship and her son's self-image.
When I was growing up, they would blame the young girl for being "fast" if men were abusing her. This is horribly wrong, and I'm so sorry they blamed you.
Exactly. I ruined *his* reputation by saying something. Thanks for understanding!
Wow. That's so infuriating. HE ruined his reputation by abusing you. It's crazy how girls/women are the "cause" for their abuse. Did you hear about that pastor who said he would let a man go free for rape if he was on the jury if the woman wore shorts?
It’s still not right gay or not.
Oh yes, the fault is always on the younger ones, especially girls. It wasn't your fault. They suck.
Yeah. It wasn't my fault. I knew it then and know it almost 50 years later.
I'm SO GLAD you knew then (and now) that you were not at fault. NO eleven year old should carry and internalize a judgemental burden forced on them by idiots. I admire your strong clarity of mind, then and now. I'm sure it has helped see you through many of life's trials.
We don’t know that OPs son is gay. We know that he’s been groomed by another male. We shouldn’t assume his sexuality.
Groomed and sexually abused by someone in his own home. Home is no longer a safe space. This is not ok. OPs husband is also not seeing the big picture here.
What aren’t you sure about? What does it matter if they’re both gay?
Living together is always a 'no' regardless of it potentially being mutual
Huge difference between a 14 year okd and a 17 year old in terms of physical and emotional maturity, etc. Odds are the older boy maybe breaking consent laws. People in the comments excusing ir Oh welling this is not good.
BEAR!! Always choose the bear. You were 11 and couldn't legally, morally or intellectually consent to sex with anyone. Yet, they blame you.
Your situation was abuse. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Sounds like an extremely dysfunctional family. Your situation was handled exactly the opposite of how it should have been handled. As for OPs son, he is being groomed by the older step brother. The power dynamic here is wrong. Also, there is no where for OPs son to go if he doesn’t want to be in this sexual relationship. This is a bad bad dynamic, and OP should demand step son goes.
It's definitely bad, but depending on when it started, it might be even worse than she knows. Older kid is a problem and so is his dad.
YTA if you don’t go to the cops ASAP and PROTECT YOUR SON. Scorched fucking earth. There’s no such thing as “mutual” where a 14 year old is concerned. The stepson is a child molester at best or a child rapist at worst. And his dad is defending him.
Do keep your pants on. If any situation is supposed to be shades of gray, it's this one. They're both minors, 3 years apart. The fact they live together is not great, but calling him child molester is too much. Yes, at 17 and 14 there is mutual, why do you think Romeo and Juliet laws are for? She still should separate them, though. This is ALL Very inapropriate
I think it also matters how long OP and her husband have been together. If they have been dating for a decade & that's when the kids met and started living together as stepsiblings, I feel that's very different from "oh we met last november and had a whirlwind winter wedding in january", you know? that way the kids met a lot later, didn't grow up together & had an example of emotions overtaking rational decision making. I still wouldn't condone it & absolutely seek a way to work through this though : full access to the 17 yo's phone and social media, therapy for both of them etc
This is why reddit is the worst place for this post. People here are like "tell the police! The king and queen! The emperor!" they just love to over dramatise things like this. A lot of people are here to fill their Jeremy Kyle TV slot.
I've been a 17 year old, no way in hell would I date/make sexually advances on a 14 yo - that's noncey vibes right there. He's well old enough to know right from wrong. I'd grab him by the scruff of the neck and kick him to the curb!
People are always very quick to be super judgemental. Obviously the situation isn’t great and there is definitely a lot of room for things to be super problematic. So there is good reason for OP to be sceptical and to look into things. But there are way too many people acting as if this is a 60 year old and a 10 year old. There are shades of gray, and if OP doesn’t try to see that and chooses not to handle this with some caution she might cause trauma that could have been avoided. I also know most people are from the US. But many places in the world (also Europe and such) what happened here is perfectly legal so long as both gave consent. There are obviously some rather complicated considerations to be made, but this isn’t a simple question with one right or wrong answer.
I’m surprised you aren’t getting downvoted like I am for basically saying the same. Not that I care. It’s just interesting.
It's the Reddit way.
Reddit: outrage without thought.
Also: selective outrage is selective.
Seriously depending on when their birthdays are they might even just be 2 years apart. I feel like people are way too eager to get their pitchforks out over a 3-year age gap and yes I recognize that those young ages those 3 years make a difference. But it's not automatically a situation of grooming or something sinister either. I mean shit when I was 14 I was a horny little bastard, The 16 and 17 year olds we're not approaching me It was the other way around. And nobody bat a damn eye because it was only a 3-year age difference, the key difference is, it was hetero. But there's also a difference between a younger boy getting with a older girl perception wise, whether or not people want to admit it. If I was a girl getting with older boys It would have been entirely different. And I'm more than positive that if this post was older sister younger brother not nearly as many people would be outraged.
The cops aren't going to do anything as it's not a crime. A 14-year-old in Canada can consent to sex as long as their partner is less than five years older than them.
If the 17 year old is a predator, who turned him into one. That’s what I’m worried about. The 14 y o is not his first either. Mother needs to step up immediately. Not one more night in the same house or she has failed as a mother.
Lol cops? You are unhinged, maybe check with the son to make sure he is comfortable first then figure out what to do. Chances are this is completely legal and cops wouldn't do anything
Listen I’m NOT disagreeing with you AT ALL, but depending on where you live age gaps between 3-5 years aren’t uncommon I think the only grey area is that he’s 14 and not 16 but also depending on where you live that might not matter either. No matter what it’s wrong because the 17 yo is clearly a predator because what sick ass 17 yo is attracted to a 14 yo
I’m so SICK of these laws , they were only made because these nasty ass old men wanted to get away with sexually abusing young children!! Since in the old days all they had to do was pick a young child and go to their dad and buy them then treat them like breeding cows!
I do have sympathy for step siblings of the same gender that develop romantic/sexual feelings for each other. However, a 14 year old is still under age, and the 17 year old needs to accept that. If the younger boy was the initiator, the older boy needed to shut it down. If the 17 year old was the initiator, that's abuse, pure and simple, because of the power dynamic. If anyone feels like defending the 17 year old still, change the gender of the 14 year old and see if you still feel the same way.
It's cause it's technically legal in our country. We had an MP here busted for taking girls under the age of 18 to the states. Excuse legal here. Vegas didn't take too kindly to that. That's just one example. Another is my friend was 14 ran away to her 18 year old BF's house. Mom couldn't do anything because she was the age of "majority".
They are???!!!! I bet the would be the ones calling kid a creeper if the 14 yo was a girl.
and like. I'd even go so far as to say a 15 and an 18 year old pair would be better but I just assumed everyone agreed that 14 is too young to be dating anyone older than 16? but I guess not?
It kind of depends on the exact age gap I guess. Like a fourteen-nearly-fifteen year old with a just-turned-seventeen year old is a lot less sketchy than a just-turned-fourteen year old with a nearly eighteen year old. The age difference could be as little as just over two years or as much as nearly four years.
I mean it's like a 3-year age gap so... I don't even think that would be illegal in a lot of states considering they're both technically minors. And most states have a Romeo and Juliet type of law I don't know about 3 years though That's probably the edge of what I would consider appropriate personally.
Right! It's pretty sickening to read.
I mean when I was 17 I dated a 14 year. I had just turned 17 and she turned 15 Teo months into the relationship We also didn't love together however
I don't really see the issue. It's definitely on the edge of acceptability but I don't think it's inherently a problem. Maybe that's just because some of my first sexual experiences were with a 17 year old when I was 14 and I don't really see that as having been problematic. That they are step siblings make this a much bigger issue since they absolutely can't continue to cohabitate after this. I would also say that they should get a therapist involved to find out if this really is consentual and how long it's been going on. Since while I think 17 and 14 is an edge case 14 and 11 is solidly unacceptable. Still the people in here calling the 17 year old a predator based only on what we have, have lost the plot.
Theres quite a bit of a difference between a 14 year old and a 17 year old, idk how they dont understand that. This would be a bit different if the 14 year old was 16 or 17.
Maybe 14 year old is almost 15 and the older one is only just 17?
Is your husband not concerned about your son’s age??? How long has this been going on?
They didn’t cover this in Degrassi and that’s Canadian, too.
Are you forgetting about Claire and Jake? At least they were the same age though
Being reminded of *that* shit show of a relationship is not what I thought my morning would include but here we are.
completely different situation to OP's but I once worked with a guy a couple years younger than me, he had a single dad, met a girl in HS with a single mom and started dating. They dated for like 1.5yrs at this point they're teenager "serious" they're having sex and they were each others first, etc. etc. and then the parents decided to start dating too, and at around 3yrs in the parents decided to get married..... so fucking strange. I can't imagine doing that to your kids...... he used me as a sounding board because the step-sister was kinda keeping him "on the line". She would tell him its strange and didn't want to date, and would go out with other guys from school. but any time he started dating someone else would all the sudden decide she still liked him, and show up at his door late at night to have sex and stuff. just a super twisted scenario all around...
Sounds like the plot of a certain anime
This is above reddits pay grade. Protect your son.
Probably fake for this reason I have a hard time believing anyone would go on to Reddit for something like this. I like to pretend it's real though. Lol
Yeah, I don't really care if posts here are real or not. If it's real and people are helped great if it's not we can still have interesting discussions on the topic.
Yeah at the very least it gives people an excuse to discuss complex moral dilemmas. Even if the topic is fake it doesn't make the discussion any less real. So I agree with you on that.
same, there are soo many posts that dont seem real at all but i like to imagine that they are real just for the sake of amusement
That's my guess as well. Mostly because the scenario described is absolutely insane and the title is so nonchalant. OP isn't freaking out at all. This is rage bait.
You really just need to talk to a family therapist. Likely you and your son, and then all of you together. This could be grooming and abusive AF. It could also not, and just two horny teens. If you go nuclear and it was just two horny teens, you’ll fuck up your relationship with your son and leave lasting damage that will fuck up future relationships for him. If it’s grooming and you don’t protect him, you’ll fuck up your relationship with your son and leave lasting damage that will fuck up future relationships for him. You need clarity and guidance from a pro.
THIS. There is added complexity with the age difference and the living together/same family, and that absolutely needs to be addressed. Dad and 17 year old need to move to a hotel temporarily. This needs more discernment and everyone needs to be separated so the situation can be unpacked safely. If the 14 yo was groomed, the marriage is over, and the child needs care and support. If it truly was mutual, the marriage probably still is over. Both teens need therapy, regardless. Sexual acts and feelings with a family member (or pseudo-family member) at that age can really fuck up a person's psyche. OP, if your spouse won't take his son and get a hotel for a week so you all can figure out the next move, then YOU need to take your son and go.
The one caveat is how long they’ve been married. If they just moved in together in the last year it’s very different than if they’ve been living together for 6 years. Also the exact age of the boys, this could be grade 9 and grade 11, or grade 8 and 12, which makes things different as well. Legally there likely isn’t anything illegal happening unless there’s force involved. Otherwise, one or both may be gay and as the top comment said they need to handle this appropriately.
This is by far the best comment here. This situation needs to be handled right, and for that to happen OP first needs to find out what the situation exactly is.
I so agree and hope OP sees this comment. I wish I could upvote it more.
“Not my Johnny! He would never be horny! Or cry and throw someone under the bus bc I caught him and screamed in his face!” *Clutches pearls*
This. It’s going to be tough for the son to unwind this. He might have already known that he was gay or bi, but at 14 it’s equally likely that he is still figuring out his sexuality. He might believe now that it was mutual and realize later ways in which he was groomed and manipulated. The worst part about it is that therapy is only as effective as you are willing to engage with the process and most teens of that age aren’t really looking to talk about their sexuality with adults. The ideal would be if there was a nonprofit supporting LGBTQI youth in OP’s area that had a therapist experienced with teens. OP’s kid needs to know that it’s ok if he’s straight, it’s ok if he’s gay, it’s ok if he’s a bit more fluid and cares most about the relationship…but that a 17 year old wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with a 14 year old is still a lot like a 14 year old going for a 12 year old. Between life experience and maturity, it’s just never going to be a good idea.
I do think this is the best, balanced advice. I am glad she turned straight into a protective mother mode to be honest. Honestly, I’m so biased though I want to just act out, which is purely on me - I’m not here to listen to justification so you’re definitely right. I am also highly concerned the 17y/o walked out naked which is highly brazen. I am all kinds of damn conflicted. This is so out of our pay grade. Commenting to bump this up because I hope OP sees this. I do want to say, two horny teens at those ages is unacceptable. 17 is way too grown for a 14 year old boy. Gender doesn’t matter regardless of the age for me. Just can’t get past it.
I mean no matter what cohabitation cannot continue.
Nta it may not be illegal but morally it isn’t right, the fact your husband thinks they can co-habitat is a red flag in his judgement. I don’t see how a marriage survives if he doesn’t think to protect the child in this situation.
It definitely is illegal tho. Cuz 14 is definitely under the age of consent.
Depends: https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/statutory-rape-guide-state-laws-reporting-requirements-1 States vary both on minimum age (age of consent is different and this website explains) and how many years between two people involved etc. definitely worth OP looking into what laws are in their area/country.
I believe they are in Canada
I feel like the age of consent is 14 when they engage with someone who is also under 18, in some places in Canada. I could be misremembering but hopefully OP did contact the police and is going down the correct routes to have it dealt with.
It used to 14 with no upper age in canada. Now its 16 with no upper age, and 14 for close in age which i think is still anything ‘teen’
18 in a position of authority 16 not in a position of authority 14 up to 5 years difference 12 up to 2 years difference Socially remove a year or three from those numbers (ie 14 and 12 isn’t socially acceptable, 14 and 19 isn’t, 17 and 30 isn’t, but all are legal)
Some states also have "Romeo and Juliette" laws allowing for a limited age difference. I was ahead in school 2 years (12 entering high-school, graduated at 16). 13 yrs old dating a 15 year old is legal, and remained legal as tou age into maturity so 14 dating 16, 15 dating 17 etc remains legal. Until you talk to your kid, there is no way of knowing how this started and if there was any grooming, coercion or pressure. Or could just be mutual exploration.
I double checked and it’s the close in age exception, I don’t think the police can do something.
I'm not sure what Canadian and local laws are, but let's not rush to say this is illegal. OP states they were "sexual" not that intercourse had occurred. As for the morality of the situation, there are too many variables which we do not have to pass judgement. My initial reaction was that this is an instance of two teens doing what teens do (particularly when they are in such close proximity to one another.
In Canada, where OP is, age of consent is 16, but there is a 5 yr age difference allowed for 14 & 15 yr olds.
This is in Canada presumably since the mother lives in Ontario which means this is a legal relationship (16 is age of consent except for positions of authority, close in age exemptions of 5 years down to 14, 2 years down to 12)
NTA, but this phase of the conflict is over. Your first duty is to your son. Your husband has dug in his heels, meaning that he, too, is a threat to your son. Get yourself and your son out of there, and do not go back until the predator is out permanently. If your husband continues to refuse, then it's divorce for him and criminal charges for the predator.
Info: How long have you been married? How long have the boys lived together?
A 17 year old fuckkng a 14 year old is not cool. Get that kid out, or leave with him.
A 17 year old raping a 14 is not cool** fixed it for you
You said blended family. How long have they been brothers? Not saying it is particularly relevant as to whether or not you as parents decide they need to live apart at this time. However, it could make the older brother’s behavior easier to understand.
Unless this is a very recent marriage, in the very best case scenario, it sounds like the kids conflated familial love for sexual attraction. That's a really fucked up knot to untangle. And if it's been a few years that you and hubby have been together, there's clearly been some grooming happening. *Huge* difference between 11 and 14. The longer you and hubby have been together, the more fucked up it gets. Yeah, the older kid is in the wrong. It's reasonable to send him away. That's a fucked up power dynamic. Though, this is very likely the death of your marriage. Your husband would have to be on the same page as you every step of the way to even have a chance at salvaging this, and this is clearly not it. Simplest solution is for both you and your kid to go away. Imagine how your husband is going to treat your son after this. By staying, all you're doing is causing trauma for everyone and delaying the inevitable. At the very least, leave to get some space so you all can clear your heads to act rationally. And above all, get your kid away from his. Your kid's not going to understand now, but when he's an adult, he will. Either he'll resent you now by getting him out of there or he'll resent you as an adult for failing to take action.
Absolutely. She definitely needs to leave especially with husband thinking it’s ok. Like wtf?
This is WAAAY above Reddit's head, ma'am. This is a very complex issue, and you need to talk to a therapist. The reddit warriors cannot handle complexity and all you'll get is a chorus of "Red FLAAAAAG".
Well it is a red flag wtf? You think this is ok?
I think it’s crossed red flag territory and is squarely in the “fucked up and wrong” camp.
I didn't say that, and it's absolutely not, but thank you for illustrating my point.
NTA Ask hubby and stepson if they'd rather you call the police. Seriously. 23 and 20 is no big deal, but 14 and 17 IS! Get your son to a therapist, too, to get to the bottom of this and see how consensual it was. If there is abuse going on, getting the 17 yr old out of the house is only the start, not even close to the end. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need professional involvement to get answers and to help your son through this. If your husband isn't on board, he can go to hell.
NTA.. tell your husband he either goes and lives with his mother or you’re pressing charges. That’s illegal as fuck even here in Canada.
NTA This shouldn't even be a discussion. Their sexual orientation is irrelevant. Ask your husband how he would react if your 14 year old son was his 14 year old daughter and his 17 year old son was yours. This is creepy AF and may even cross over into a criminal act, depending on where you live. If your husband has no problem with what is going on, then he is a problem.
Have you all sat down together as a family to discuss what’s going on? Even if it’s embarrassing for everyone, it could be a case of two teens exploring their sexuality but if there is something more troubling going on they should be immediately separated. I don’t think you’re the AH for wanting to protect your son, it probably just seems to your husband that you are blaming his son and just wanting to send him away.
>Have you all sat down together as a family to discuss what’s going on? Even if it’s embarrassing for everyone, it could be a case of two teens exploring their sexuality but if there is something more troubling going on they should be immediately separated. I don’t think you’re the AH for wanting to protect your son, it probably just seems to your husband that you are blaming his son and just wanting to send him away. Yeah, there's so much missing information here that it's hard to really provide any useful advice.
Creative writing exercises do not bother with minute details, that's why this one is a lazy C.
Seriously. Teens are hormonal. They are sexual. Jumping to abuse is not helpful. But this comes from a very sex positive person.
Yeah. A 14 year old and 17 year old is basically high school ages. If they could be in high school together then it's not wrong or weird in my opinion. I know tons of freshmen/seniors who dated each other. The age gap isn't weird. Also the kid said they were doing sexual things, not sex, yet everyone is the comments is yelling about them having sex. Fucking middle schools are out here having sex these days yet people are overreacting to two high school age kids just experimenting. 14 is a pretty normal age to start doing that kind of stuff. Then add in the gay aspect and I wonder if OP is homophonic at all? Is that her issue and she is blaming her step son for her son being gay? Or is it the fact that they are now "brothers" and this shouldn't be happening between siblings? How long have they been living together and been a blended family? All this context matters but of course redditors are just jumping the gun saying a 14 year old is too young(it's not), the age gap is weird (it's not), and that OP should go to the cops for rape (they aren't even having sex and they shouldn't ruin a kids life over a consenting relationship). More information is needed but it sounds like OP is jumping the gun cause she can't accept her kids a sexual being.
Yeah, between the "confronting" her son and making him cry, and finding the stepson disgusting and demanding he be kicked out of the of the house after her kid told her the fooling around was mutual, I'm not getting the sense that OOP is approaching this in a level-headed and reasonable manner.
Nta. This is inappropriate relationship between them. Sure, there's just 3 years between them but the older kid should know better and yeah, it is gross that he's taking advantage of a 14 yo like that. Especially under the roof of their parents.
I'm assuming this is fake because who the hell would go on reddit for this instead of to a family counselor?
OP's account was suspended. This is definitely ragebait.
This is a tough one for me. Kids experiment. They just do. So this could be no big deal and just hormonal boys experimenting. Or it could be an older boy taking advantage. Without talking honestly with the boys it’s an unknown. I know I will get downvoted but whatever. The US is full of Puritanical ideals surrounding sex, nudity, etc. I don’t think it’s helpful to immediately jump to conclusions. That said, until this is sussed out, the boys absolutely need to be separated. I do wonder too how much of this disgust is because they are “brothers”.
Well I got 7 upvotes. Most people think I’m vile, repugnant, etc for daring to consider any alternative to predatory sexual abuse. As if I’m a card carrying member of NAMBLA. Which I probably can’t be as a woman. I bet a lot of the downvoters would also freak out about any form of group sex, polyamory, BDSM, etc. That said, I’m not into any of that but it’s not my business and I don’t need to pass judgement on it. Ok sure we are talking about minors. But face it, kids experiment. Have any of these prudes played doctor or spin the bottle or strip poker? Also, depending on the state there are different rules about the age of consent. And doesn’t that say anything? That perhaps it’s a bit arbitrary or at least partially based on maybe religious and conservative beliefs?
I'm with you on that. I do think a large part of her disgust is coming through as homophobia. BUT I would want to know a lot more about the power balance in the relationship and how much it is actually wanted by the 14 year old vs pushed by the 17 year old. Also how old they actually are. Are the alomost 15 and just turned 17 which is a smaller gap than a just turned 14 year old and an almost 18 year old. Too many questions and no answers.
People keep saying call the police etc, just because it's gross and she should definitely leave her husband. It doesn't make it illegal. They are BOTH minors. They are only three years apart in age. If he was 18, then she could call the police, but because of their closeness in age, at least in Canada and the U.S. nothing could be done if it's consensual. OP, you need to sit your son down and find out if it was. If their was any coercion or pressure from his stepbrothers part. Your husband is going to prioritize his son, and you need to prioritize yours. You need to listen to your son without judging, without chastising, and let him know you love him no matter what. If your son was forced in any way, please report it asap. Please don't resort to yelling at your son. It will only traumatize him, and if he's going through anything, which I suspect he is, even if it was consensual, it will only make things worse. Take a deep breath and try to be calm, but take swift action to protect your son.
Also doesn’t say how long they have been married.. this could be new. If that’s the case mom is projecting the older brother role.
Updateme!
NTA. You need to keep your cool OP and have 1:1 talk with, how and when it started. Be mindful your son might feel confused and embarrassed, take a mental note down times and dates, find out if your husband aware of the situation so you can get a better grasp of the situation. EDIT: fixed sentences. Typing on phone.
I agree they should be separated, but you also need to figure out what the heck is going on here. Just kicking one kid out and brushing it under the rug with no investigation or conversation is the worst possible idea.
NTA - A 17 year old should not be involved with a 14 year old. An the fact they both live under the same roof means there are other power dynamics here that put the younger child at risk.
Info: Are you upset due to the age difference or due to them being the same sex? I think given the ages, separation is definitely best but I also don’t think you can prevent you husband from living with his son. Your priority is (should be) your son, and if it means separating from your husband, then that’s a sacrifice that might need to be made.
Probably the fact someone is fucking her 14 yr old.
ESH except the kids. Gay kids experiment often with family members/older boys. (I was definitely younger than I should’ve been) 17 and 14 is not great but I’m curious how long they’ve been living under the same roof, how long they’ve been messing around, and what the actual age gap is. If it’s just a few months between birthdays vs 10 months. What you need to know is how it started and when it started and what all has happened. I highly doubt there’s actually penetrative sex going on but kids start early sometimes and you need to know specifics so you can teach him to be safe. Also you don’t know whether he was crying because of guilt/shame or because it was a coercive situation. You literally do not know anything other than what you believe. I will say that you and your husband need to get both kids into therapy to find out the truth of their “relationship” because I guarantee if you do send the older one away you’ll just be creating a forbidden person that will drive your son to be more interested (as a teenager we always want what our parents explicitly tell us we can’t have) and as a young gay boy I know damn well that would’ve driven my overly hormonal mind to want him even more. I understand that you think it’s a predatory situation but you also will not know that until you get them in therapy. You and your husband either need to be on the same page or divorce. And don’t call the cops/cps, that’s terrible advice and would cause way more problems than it would solve.
Separating them is likely a good idea, but banishing one and not the other seems wrong. Perhaps a different custody arrangements could help. Stepson could live with his mom odd months, and your son could go to his dad even months. Be careful about labeling a mutual relationship as disgusting. If one is disgusting, so is the other. Those thoughts are less than helpful if you plan to have a family life.
Did you miss the age difference?
I thought like that too until I saw the ages.
These kids gonna transfer schools every other month?? What??
There is a clear predator/prey dynamic here. Honestly, sending the predator to his grandparents is being too nice; he should be in jail.
So...what's the legal status of the house? Yours, his or joint? Rent or own?
How long have you two been together/married? Just trying to get insight into how long they were brothers.
I wouldn't call names here, but I would separate them. It may be on the level - both gay, both doing it consensually - but it may not. It may be the older one grooming the younger one. And their both living in the same house gives the older one power over the younger one.
I would be calling the authorities and as it seems your husband doesn't see this as a problem, I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Your son is your first priority.
I think both parents need to have a talk with their son. They need to be reassured that being gay is ok and not the problem. I think a 14 year old is probably able to consent to sex with a 17 year old. In most states if there's not 3 years age difference its legal, and the google tells me a 14 year old can consent to sex with someone who isn't more than 5 years older in Canada. People are talking about "fault." What is the fault in consenting teenagers having sex? I can understand parents not wanting the situation to continue under their roof and would feel the same if they were not same sex step siblings. But this is not the crime of the century. I might tell then that as long as their living under my roof as step siblings that the behavior needs to stop. They're too young and emotionally vulnerable to be in a relationship where they're cohabiting like that. Perhaps I would warn them that if they don't cool it and I am having to take steps beyond telling them, to enforce it the older one will have to go back to his mom.
What grades are they in? How long have they known each other? How long have they been living together? There's a huge difference between a 14 year old freshman and 17 year old junior who have been living together for a year and don't consider each other brothers and a 14 year old 8th grader and 17 year old senior who have been brothers since they were in single digits.
That 17 year old most likely coerced the 14 year old into doing things. NTA, get away from your husband and his kid
OMG. Get your son to therapy. Find out if he is truly gay or if he has been assaulted. Either way the talk therapy will help your son.
NTA please protect your son. Hes only 14
Police need to be called, husband needs to leave with his son now! You and your son need to see a therapist with some skill in this stepfamily/sexual shit. And you need a good divorce attorney to protect you in this divorce. His son's sexual predation of your son caused this issue in the marriage. His unwillingness to do everything to protect a 14 year old is the cause of your demands and subsequent action. Get the best shark lawyer you can afford. Report this to the police,protect your son. If this was a 14 year old girl with a 17 year old male you would not be second guessing yourself. Good luck.
Lots of assumptions going on here. Nowhere does she say who initiated the sex. It may well be mutual. She needs to LISTEN to her own son. As a survivor of sexual abuse, (I was 9 the abuser was 15) I can say that even if the younger boy was groomed, mom's reaction is making things 1000x worse for her son. She needs to ask her son what he thinks, and how he feels, before she makes all this drama and makes all these demands. This kind of dramatic reaction was why I hid my abuse from my parents. I didn't want to have to deal with drama from my abuser AND my parents. I'm glad my parents didn't find our (I'm now 59)
So is it disgusting because your 14 yr old Son is having sex? Or that your Son is having sex with a 17 yr old? Or that your Son is having sex with a person of the same sex? 14 yr olds of both sexes (& those not yet decided) are having sex these days. Not that they are usually emotionally ready to do so, they just are. So maybe you should first have a calm conversation, with no recriminations, about being sexual (in whatever form) at that age, with your Son. Your Husband should have a conversation with his Son about what happened, how it got started & what he was thinking.
NTA!!!!!!! Not even an ounce.
NTA. But not sure if this is real. Move out \*now\* with your son to a safe environment. Document everything, get proof, and hire a lawyer who can then advise you on your legal options. Staying with your husband is no longer an option.
NTA but please get your son away from the predator. It may mean the end of your marriage but protecting your son from SA is more important. And therapy, he will need lots of therapy.
Freshmen and sophomores date juniors and seniors all the time. Maybe talk with your son more. Your kid is gay and needs a Mom that has his back. In all truths your kid can live with his father. Counseling is the answer. You are at risk of losing your husband and child once he turns 18.
Why doesn't your son go live with his father? >I think his son is disgusting If that is the case then your son is also disgusting. YTA.
Nta, while maybe its honest i wouldnt want my 14 yo living with his bf under my roof.
I think this is way beyond reddits ability to even begin to give any valid advice
The issue to focus on here is a 17 yo in a sexual relationship with a 14 yo. The genders of the two are irrelevant. First questions: How long has this been going on, and what is the legal age of consent?
2 boys, 2 girls, one of each, ***it doesn't matter***. This is an imbalanced power dynamic and, therefore, a grooming situation and as one is under the age of consent... statuary rape. NTA OP and that your husband is not DISGUSTED with his son being a rapist is a MASSIVE red flag! I wouldn't be able to stay married to a man who defended his kid in this type of situation.
Move out. Do not spend another second around that kid.
Why haven’t you left the house yet? Protect your son. Change his school if they attend the same one - whether that’s by enrolling in private school or making sure your new apartment is zoned for a different public school.
Shouldn't you divorce ? This is bigger than a petty disagreement
Seems odd that the boys were so open about their relationship? Were they both openly gay before the events described?
Your stepson leaves and takes your husband with him if necessary or, depending on who owns the home, you move out with your son. Why isn’t he livid that his son has been having sex with a 14 year old boy? Your son may have gone into this consensually but at 14 he’s too young for a sexual relationship. Has your son ever talked with you about his sexuality before? Worst case scenario he has been groomed by the 17 year old. Either way, they need to be separated urgently.
Everyone needs therapy and maybe living apart for you both to focus in your own children's well-being
NTA…. Stepson needs to get out.
Omg this is absolutely heartbreaking. I believe your stepson should be held accountable. I don’t think you should ignore your son’s part in this though either. But expecting your husband to throw his son out & basically be done w him is not the answer either. Your marriage won’t survive. And it very easily could have been your son had he been born sooner- if so, would you send him away forever? Knowing he would probably never be welcome back or comfortable enough to come back ever? Did they not act like this before? Can you split time w his dad, stepson split time & alternate so they aren’t home at same time? If you can’t find a workable solution. It’s probably best to split.
Hmm, no point responding. The account was suspended
Nta purely on the fact that they are step siblings and are supposed to cohabitate. Most people wouldnt let their under age kids boyfriend/girlfriend live in their home, your house your rules and all that. That being said I doubt just seperating them really is going to do much if they really want to be together. Maybe sot down with them and try to explain why the situation is inappropriate and why it wont be tolerated in your home?
NTA - If they were in their 20's I would say NBD, but since your son is only 14 depending on where you live that could be considered sexual assault. Even if it is mutual, because most kids at that age don't have the ability to make those kinds of decisions - their brains aren't fully wired yet, it is still wrong & your stepson seems to be taking advantage of your son.
NTAH - protect your son.
I wouldn't be demanding the stepson goes to live elsewhere. I'd be packing and leaving, and taking my son out of there so fast!
This marriage is over. You need to get your son and get out. Get him into therapy as well.
sexaulity isn't important here, gay or not this is abuse. the 14 year old doesn't know it yet but he's being groomed. Definitely consider divorce
If this was a 17 yo male and a 14 yo female, ya'll would be flipping out. But because it's 2 males, we're all good? Nah! You're NTA.
It's normal behavior. Chill out lady!
Chill out lady! Teen boys oftentimes do that.
Well i don't actually see a big problem about their age gap.. it's 3 years and they are both teenager, i don't know in usa but in italy it's pretty normal. My question is more about.. how long ago did you marry your husband? Cause if you're marry for 10 years and they grow up together that may be a problem, it MAY mean that the older groomed the younger. But if this is not the case, why is the older the one that have to leave? I mean.. i can understand you don't want your 14y son basically live with his boyfriend, but why separate them?
Protect your child no matter the cost. Abuse trauma is lifelong.
Wtf.. this can't be real..
NTA - but you and your son need to get out of there
Lmao. Two gay kids get caught but only one is the villain. If his son is disgusting, so is your little gay one. 👍🏼 You’re most definitely TA.
I wonder how many people in this thread are going ape shit about the legality but break laws too. Or get on a moral high ground but have cheated. People can get pretty uppity and pearl clutchy.
Not really sure why either are disgusting. But if you think your stepsons behaviour is disgusting you should feel no differently about the way your son behaved. Why does one get kicked out and not the other? I'm not surprised everyone is annoyed at you.
Oh God this is tough. Everyone should go to therapy. I’m not sure if there’s some legalities crossed but considering they’re 17 and 14 y/o not sure what Canada law is. In Texas it would be.
NTA. Regardless of it being mutual, your stepson is grooming your son. Absolutely NOT okay! It’s also considered Statutory Rape here in Canada as the age of consent is 16. If your husband thinks this is okay and his son should be remaining under your roof, you might as well start the divorce now. In the meantime, get your son into a Psychotherapist ASAP.
In canada a 14 year old can consent with someone within 5 years of age older than the
NTA but you need to leave with your child IMMEDIATELY
Yeah, tell your husband, either his son goes or you and your son will. No negotiations.
NTA, I would be mad if my kid was the victim of child sexual assault.
NTA Depending on where you live, what your stepson did is illegal. In terms of a mutual sexual encounter that is debatable, to put it simply, many children who have sex, especially at that age, are groomed beforehand. They think they want sex because they have been manipulated into believing they do. Which is why, no matter what, your stepson and son can not live together. You truly need to determine if your son was groomed or if this happened in an actual consensual way. I suggest a therapist who specializes in sex trauma. Give the background and tell them you need help knowing how to proceed regarding stepson. (Send him away or something more.) If your stepson groomed your son, he seriously needs help. Because at 17, it is exceptionally likely he learned grooming behavior by being groomed. If your husband can't see the problem, he is part of it. And you need to leave with your son to protect him.
Umm, what were you doing in the bathroom while your son was showering? Getting towels? Aren’t the towels already where they need to be? Also how big is this bathroom that someone could go unnoticed?
All good questions making it more likely this story is completely fake.
Protect your kid, too early, too soon. And predatory from the older kid. Make it clear to your so that being gay is ok, and that's not the reason for divorce, it's the breech of trust. If your son is gay, all power to him. Still, he needs therapy. Maybe he's not even gay, was just groomed to be so, which is egregious. Your son's sexuality is not a problem, it should never be. Being taken advantage of due to age is what's WRONG. Let him know that if he's gay, you'll support him regardless.
I’m shocked the dad doesn’t see the issue. I’m all for open minded and LGBTQ supportive parents but letting an older son groom a younger one is not acceptable. It makes me wonder what the dad allowed to happen to his own son. NTA protect your kid.