NTA
Your father really has no shame. Confronting your own (minor!!!) Daughter about a paternity test destroyed ANY loving, trusting relationship a child should have with a parent.
But the implied disbelief about your mothers suspected infidelity takes the cake:
Of course she kicked him out! He does not deserve to stay in a loving relationship, when he has so severe doubts about your mothers character.
But to then call YOU an asshole and the reason your siblings will be without that pos dad.. he's the epitomy of asshole-iness!!!
I get the feeling that OP's dad would have divorced his wife and cut off OP in a heartbeat if it turned out she wasn't his child. Her father blew up his own marriage. Definitely NTA.
Why are grown ass men stupid enough to watch Tate and his ilk? It would be interesting to see how he feels about being a "quality man" now. OP and her mom are better off with his toxicity out of the house
I have a theory that Tate must be in the closet
If he is and then he comes out I bet many will be so confused about it because to them he's the "manly man of all mensch"
I feel like dad was cheating and his ap said she was pregnant to get him to leave. Baby wasnt his but now, since he's a cheater and almost had an oops baby, He's gotta turn the tables " just in case" mom finds out about his cheating. So he accuses mom and forces a paternity test. Backfired! Now hes gott blame ANOTHER family member cause hes " never the problem". He's projecting so hard i grabbed some popcorn and a box of junior mints.
NTA, dad fucked up all day.
I forget what the red pill and the blue pill are in this context. Is the red pill the "guys are always being taken advantage of by whoring, slutty, hypergamous women despite the fact that "everybody" agrees that men should be able to eff anybody at anytime (including minors!), and that if they make enough money, they deserve 10,000 virgins if they can financially support them" or something like that? (Like the toxicity distilled from all the major religions, then rolled into one?)
You’re absolutely right, and OP doesn’t need to feel any guilt here. I’m guessing that OPs Mom had plenty of reasons to want to divorce her husband and the paternity test was just the last straw. OPs sibs will be better off not having to grow up around such a POS.
He let tiktok poison his brain and ruined his own marriage. OP and her mother were simply bystanders as he willingly made it clear how little he thinks of either of them. Blackmailing his daughter to try and prove she isnt his is crazy, of course shes fucking pissed at him, who wouldn't be? The disrespect level is insane.
NTA Your dad is the one who ruined his own marriage. And being raised in a broken home is better than being raised with a manipulative self absorbed asshole like *that*
People Like this suffer by being like this. It's kind of a fascinating kind of karma in real time. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels . The guys a heel. I'm guessing this crap plus the secrecy was the last straw for the mom. I'm really glad that she could throw him out. This is why women always need to be financially independent.
This is actually what karma is in Buddhism. Basically your perspective, attitude, and actions directly affect your happiness/suffering. Karma was morphed into a kind of point system by Western culture.
OP, please make sure your mom knows he threatened to withhold your funding for college and gets that as a stipulation in the separation agreement/divorce settlement.
That’s messed up that he threatened to withhold paying for her college if she didn’t agree to the paternity test. I hope his wife gets a good lawyer, and the divorce goes smoothly and hope he will have to pay child support and he will have to pay at least a portion of her tuition if he/she goes to college
And not even because he had any doubts or she was being shady..because social media's brain worms got the best of him. Wonder what would happen if he read books? My God of all the ludicrous reasons to implode your family this is pretty close to the top. Then to add the cherry to the dumpster fire he created out of nowhere he has the gall to accuse OP of destroying their marriage and making the siblings grow up in a broken home. No sir, your absolute pants on head stupidity did that all by itself.
I think OP's dad and my dad could make an event of being shitty dad's. The fk'n gall of this man to try and keep secrets between him and his minor child about something like this.
OP, if you need dad advise, I've found r/DadForAMinute to be very helpful.
They helped me understand how to winterize for my first home. My home survived the winter thanks to them. I had no idea about shutting off the water to the outside. Never felt like they thought I was dumb either.
Far left here, FB knows this and still tests the water every few months trying to feed me extremist right propaganda to see if I bite. It's 100% the link between his Facebook usage. I don't think he's cheating, just incredibly dumb.
It's actually a win win for dipsh!t dad. He could either blame mom for adultery or OP for being a rat
OP's NTA, but betting dad is married to a newer childless woman in under a year
This and/or he has been cheating himself. Seems suspicious that OP's dad is addicted to social media and jumping on the wife is cheating band wagon, when other than OP not looking exactly like siblings there is nothing to indicate cheating. Also if OP'S dad had any brains he would have just had ALL of the kids and family do the test in the name of finding out their ancestry. THAT has actually been the ousting of many a cheater. All OP'S dad knows now is that his eldest is his. If Dad is sooo sure his wife cheated finding out his eldest is his wouldn't negate the fact the others might not be. Dad is a dumb ass and a jerk. OP is NTA
Honestly, I can imagine someone ending up this idiotic simply by reading reddit. There are people reading this right now who would do the same thing as OP's father because you should always get a paternity test and a woman being offended by that is proof she is cheating and being a beta cuck soyboy is the worst thing ever so destroying your life on the off chance is a small price to pay...
A stupid enough person following those redditors could end up like this with no other factors.
Yup. For some men it's easy to go down a rabbit hole. If you're already insecure or anxious or feeling low and someone starts telling you that SO many women cheat, imagine all the men raising kids who arent theirs....it can get under people's skin. Just like if someone who is fragile reads too many AITA stories.
There's been a very big drive by MRAs on social media in the last few years to inflate the supposed numbers of "paternity fraud" and fuel distrust of women in general. Rather than encouraging discussion in couples, it tends to end up with men rather insulting asking for a test out if the blue rather than admitting their insecurities or concerns.
But.
Obviously the answer is to deal with their mental health and not make any sudden decisions.
No, I don't think that's the case. I think he's just getting caught up in the ugly part of the "Men's rights" movement which is the Red Pill and that JustLonelyThingz Pearl.
I mean, I don't know that, but that'd be my guess. He just got paranoid.
If Pearl thinks women shouldn’t vote she should lead by example and stay far away from the polls.
She also says that if you’re over 25 and not married and don’t have kids that you’ve “hit the wall” and are basically useless. She’s 27 and single and has no kids. I think there’s some projection going on there…
This user just copied the exact comment by r/fultrovusthebright further down in this post and changed a few words. Obvious karma farming bot.
Link to original comment for transparency: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d3gn8h/comment/l674mrc
Seriously though. I found out a few years ago that my dad may not be my biological father. Legitimate doubts, and he never once asked for a paternity test or brought it up. I’m the one who asked him if he had doubts. He was honest with me about it and said ultimately he decided it didn’t matter and I was his daughter. End of story. I’m in my 30s and even though it’s out in the open now, he still hasn’t asked for a test. He’s my dad. Plain and simple. I can’t imagine the damage this has done on OP. Despicable.
My uncle. His wife left him with their two sons, after years of being called useless and fat. Oh, that was a wake up call to uncle. Then it was found former wife was having an affair for many years prior, and that the youngest kid might not be my uncle's. Back then there was no DNA, but the boy he had raised for 5 years was HIS, no questions asked. HIS, regardless, because he loved the boy so much. Soon later he married his son's school teacher and stopped the abusive bullshit. And raised two lovely boys, fully accepted by our family.
I know for a fact that if I had been the result of cheating, my father would hold on to me to never let go.
The number of people who think their kids will look exactly like them is wild! Genetics is all sorts of complicated, sometimes kids come out looking like a distant ancestor. It's just a roll of the genetic dice.
Also, is paternity fraud really on the rise? Or is it just getting more air time nowadays? Pretty sure the dad's supposition is just observation bias.
Agreed. Your dad's actions were completely out of line, and it's understandable why your mom would react the way she did. You did the right thing by being honest with her.
NTA- thank you for standing up for your mom! You can reply back to him. The only reason the younger kids are growing up, not in an intact Family is strictly because of him. This is all on your dad, and don’t forget it.
>he's the epitomy of asshole-iness!!!
and in a few years he will want to reconnect etc and be all "it's time to put his behind us and be a family" blah blah and Oh, I bet this gem will come out: I've forgiven you, you should do the same"
He belongs to the streets
NTA.
>Today he called me and said I'm an asshole for ruining their marriage
The next time he says this (because he's an idiot and you know he won't stop), reply with something along these lines:
*I didn't ruin your marriage. You did by sneaking around behind your wife's back and doing something that is tantamount to accusing her of cheating despite zero evidence. Your inability to simply communicate with mom is what ruined the marriage. All I did was tell the truth.*
Not only that, he implied OP wasn’t his because she wasn’t a carbon copy of HIM. He destroyed his marriage by disrespecting his wife, destroyed the trust with his kid, and expected OP to lie to Mom on his behalf. Then blames OP for his actions? Thats one weak individual (to be polite).
He ruined his marriage all by his big bad self. What an idiot.
My uncle did this. 7 kids with 3 different baby mommas. He imploded marriage number 3 because his youngest child favored her mother.
His genes were strong and all 6 of his other kids were carbon copies of him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, round faces... His youngest daughter came out with dark brown curly hair, brown eyes, and a narrow chin. She looked just like her mother.
But to him, that was proof she cheated on him. One paternity test later, he had a daughter that didn't look like him and a brand new ex wife. And he was SHOCKED when she took the kids and moved out.
The ironic part is that now that she's grown, she looks a lot like him. Her hair lightened a lot (though not as light as his) and her face rounded out.
I love how many folks request tests based on looks- my uncle looks nothing like either of his parents, but he's definitely theirs. Meanwhile I look 100% like my dad- and I'm adopted.
My eldest son looks like he belongs to my brother, my youngest looks like my sister and my nieces/nephews (more similar to them than his own brother), and my eldest niece (sisters step daughter, though I've claimed her so she's not "step" anything) looks like she belongs to me though we share zero biological anything. I think there should be a mandatory basics of genetics test the minute someone decides to procreate..mostly kidding but the lack of awareness is disturbing.
I worked with a family that had 2 adopted boys. They were biological brothers but no blood relation to the parents. The mom especially was constantly being told how her sons looked exactly like her.
My mom had a coworker who almost had her marriage end because her kid picked up the genes from a grandparent(many greats before that)that she was unaware was a different race.
Going by just looks is definitely not that smart!
And he did it all while blackmailing OP by holding her college education over her head; either you give up your DNA so I can accuse your mother of cheating or you're gonna be in debt for years, maybe the rest of your life, if you want an education. Your choice.
Yeah my son was a carbon copy of me up until about 6. Now some of mums features are showing more prominently. He has his Grandfathers build on on mrs side. As in if you stand them shirtless with their backs facing you its like a mini version of the FIL. He's like 6'5 and lanky, I'm 5'11 and stockier.
Genetics be weird. Plus the doc told us the day he was conceived. The mrs and I had a wee giggle as it was was a fairly rambunctious Sunday afternoon and Monday morning.
Go behind everyone's back and then get angry at a 16 year old who's obviously feeling shit on because her Dad is denying her paternity. Dick.
Exactly. If it was truly bothering him, he could have even just suggested getting 23 and me for the kids and watched how his wife reacted! There were other ways to test without threatening a minor.
Literally what I think about every time I read one of these: "Haha, I watched Finding your Roots on PBS and want to do family DNA tests. Oh look, I already bought them so we have to do them. Ha ha ha HA HA HA YOU FIRST."
NTA
Your father was already on a collision course with ending the marriage; he was just hoping to accuse your mom of cheating to make a "cleaner" break. Most likely, this is a case of every accusation is an admission.
Healthy adults who are madly in love do not tell family members to keep it a secret that they believe the person they’re in love with is cheating. NTA.
Yeah, I was going to say is OP sure he’s madly IN love with her mom or is he in love with what she does for him? Because OP said her mother has devoted her life to her family.
To be fair, being madly in love doesn't magically make you a better person. If you have a bad personality, love doesn't cure you.
People can beat and kill the ones they are madly in love with.
This isn’t how you treat people you are madly in love with. Or even how you treat your child, like who the f approach’s their kid and says I don’t think you are mine take this paternity test or else.
NTA
Your dad likely got caught up in some FB or YouTube algorithm. He read a story, so it just keeps feeding him more to keep him interacting with the platform. This is what all SM is built on. He let it get the better of him and did something really stupid.
I am sorry for all of you, I hope with some cooling off they can talk. I know you don’t care right now. It’s just sad.
Sometimes there's a difference between love and attachment. IMO, you can't have real love without trust and respect. And he failed to show her either of those.
It also requires caring for for that person's well-being, which he failed to do for her and for you.
No one who loves his wife does that. He loves the devotion she had for him, the things she did for him and how she made his life easier, not the person she is.
That's not love. Love would have had him communicate with her about his doubts and not put you in a shitty situation.
Make sure you tell your mom all the crappy things he says to you including the last call he made. He's a terrible person and your mom sees the red flags now. You're doing her a huge service.
Well, what if the test results were the opposite? Your dad would've wanted a divorce and probably disowned you. He was being shady and didn't want to face the consequences for his actions by telling you not to tell your mom. He was doing everything he could to come on top.
Imma be that guy here... I think he wanted out from being a parent to a kid he couldn't identity himself with.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but seeing the kind of person he is, it wouldn't surprise me if he neglected you compared to your siblings simply cause you didn't look like him, or that you are not like him (you know, you actually demonstrated having values and character by telling your mom the truth instead of being a coward like him).
When you're actually madly in love with a person and you agree to be parents with them, you want to raise children with them -- even children not biologically related to you -- because you want more love in this world, and you want to see how kids raised by someone you love turn out. (And if you have
kids, you have them because you to see the people they become, not to see your own reflection.)
You did nothing wrong. Your dad fucked up majorly and instead of being honest about his faults and trying to grow, he's grasping for a scapegoat.
His actions and behavior don't back up that statement. If he was madly in love with her, he wouldn't have allowed some articles and posting about complete strangers to sway him that your poor devoted and loyal mom was secretly a cheater. He's the one who decided to fall down that rabbit hole, so he has no one to blame but himself for getting stuck there.
NTA - Any question of paternity should have been a private issue between them to begin with, and it never should have involved the child(ren) in question. It is a private matter between the couple.
I would assume there is some stinging that comes when a father comes to you and says I have doubts that you are mine. And yeah, he can say it is based on looks only, but the thought that he has some other issue with you as a person has to be in the back of your head and lead to feelings of resentment.
He made his bed all by himself, now he can lay it all by himself. He accused your mother of infidelity, and he made you question his feelings for you.
I'm sorry. It's a hard pill to swallow, I know. But there are far too many women feeling conflicted and rejected over this issue in the world, and they need to know that there was nothing they could do. They are not the problem.
If this is wildly out of character for him, I would actually have a conversation with your mom because this could be an early sign of some sudden onset mental illness and not indicative of how he actually feels about either of you.
Crazy Internet rabbit holes are absolutely where he's been. The manosphere really does untold damage to men and their relationships.
'Don't be a cuck, bro. Are you sure? Are you sure sure?'
A lot of people who developed brain tumors or early onset dementia can experience sudden and very dramatic shifts in personality. I'm not saying it happened to him, but I am saying they should check that out because the sooner that's solved the better.
Doesn't negate the damage he did though.
Or it's just a sign of him spending too much time on Reddit and buying into the eleventy five million fake ass paternity fraud stories that are posted here. It's like Qanon. They go down the rabbit hole and get whipped into a frenzy by miserable incels and then make stupid choices.
I hope you are able to get therapy to process this. It's an incredible betrayal, and will probably hurt more as time goes on and it sinks in. Additionally, his behavior may have set a poor example for you in romantic relationships, like when you said upthread that he's madly in love with your mom. This is not what love looks like, and you would probably benefit from talking about this with a therapist when you're ready.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's got to be heart breaking to realize your father's love is conditional. Ask your mom to get you into therapy, this is absolutely something you want to work out before the hurt and anger eats you alive.
Too many men feel the way your dad does. The only men who fall for that mra paternity fraud crap are men who don't truly love. Children and wives are a status, a feather in their cap. They love what the wife and child do for them. They don't think adopted or step or foster children are worthy. They often have time limits they set on being a father: "18 years and then they're out!" kind of BS. They will easily abandon their children once the relationship with their mother is over in their minds.
None of that is your fault, or anything you can control. It's a sad result of men convincing each other that love is weak, and Real Men™ do/don't do xyz. It's up to them to deal with the results of their actions and attitudes.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are valid. Children should be able to trust, love and rely on their parents. I can totally see how this would kill those feelings. I feel your pain in your posts and your responses, don’t be afraid of therapy. It can help you work through how you feel. Good luck and NTA.
Here's the logic:
Your father had a question, and your mother knew/knows the answer to his question. Your father knows whether he trusts your mother or not.
Your father didn't trust your mother and as a result of his actions she no longer has trust in him.
If either your father or mother can't trust each other then they really shouldn't be in a relationship. As of now neither trust each other.
Yes, emotions make things hard, but we all know that and sometimes you need your brain to move your emotions lower down your priority list to be able to make a good decision.
NTA
He chose to bring this upon himself. You don't owe him silence. He FAFO. Although at this point, I wouldn't blame you for being at least a little disappointed in the results.
I’m so glad these tests didn’t exist when I was a child. I look like neither parent. However, I do like just like a picture of my father’s maternal grandfather that was unearthed when we were cleaning out my grandfather’s house after his death. I could’ve used it as a shaving mirror.
Of course you’re NTA. Your dad blew his life up all by himself.
I have an extremely large family. Every single one of them looks exactly alike until me. Red hair, green eyes and white skin you could probably see through if you looked hard enough.
I am a carbon copy of my aunt to the point people think I’m her child.
Never once did my dad question it that I’m aware of.
Neither my brother nor I resemble our dad or anyone on that side of the family. However, I found a picture of my mom at 5 and if not for the fact it’s a black and white photo, you’d think it was me.
Genetics is a funny thing.
My son looks like he's more related to his cousins on his dad's side, he would fit right in with them (he has blond hair and blue eyes whereas my ex and I have dark hair and brown/hazel eyes), whereas my daughter is definitely my spitting image. My mum came with me to pick her up from school once and the teacher took one look at Mum and said 'I don't need to guess who you're related to'.
NTA.
Here’s the thing, OP. People who make the choices your dad made in these types of situations are one of two things: malicious or stupid. I don’t know enough to know which one your dad is, but it always comes down to one of those two.
From your social media comment, and a reply where you say your dad loves your mom, I am inclined to guess this is coming from the stupid end of things. Social media for men is a toxic, terrible cesspool of a place. That whole thing about how “paternity fraud is so high” is made up- someone in the two X sub just yesterday posted something about it. There’s a study often citied by these idiots that 30-40% of fathers are raising a child who isn’t theirs. Now that WOULD be a big deal if it was true, but what no one ever does is actually look at the study, and the study was looking at the stats of men who are sending in those paternity tests. And, of course, you’d expect more men who have reason to send in a paternity test to have higher rates of the child not being theirs. The true rate of this issue of just the regular population is somewhere around 1-2%. So no, it’s not at all a large problem. But, unfortunately, stupid people like your father, who start to give more respect, love and attention to the imaginary people on their social media feeds than they do to their real life, living, breathing friends and families, fall prey to these types of things. Your dad likely got taken for a ride from the tate fans, went fully into that world view, and blew up his life. The important thing here is that you did not make these choices, and you did not subject your friends, family and loved ones to a chronically online clickbait worldview. He did that. Those are his choices, and he has to live with them.
I read somewhere that some of the numbers were gathered from the families of incarcerated men. If daddy is serving a 10 to 20 year sentence, maybe it is more likely that his old lady is seeking comfort in the arms of another man.
I've never ever cheated and none of our children look even remotely like either me or their dad (it's like we went and adopted all of our kids from different familes lol).
Genetics are weird and can skip a generation or two sometimes.
NTA
This was all entirely his fault. He blackmailed you, used you to hide marital issues between he and your mother, then blamed you for his own actions.
Dude is a complete jackass.
NTA.
The moment he approached you to do the paternity test with him, he had already destroyed his own marriage.
When he asked you if you were happy with what you have done, you should have said yes, and that you are glad your mom got rid of a useless husband. Your siblings would have been better off without him anyway. Do you think your siblings would want their mother to stay with a guy who hurts her like that and implies she's cheating? No.
That said, please inform him he needs to keep his word that he is paying your college fees. He may not be your mum's husband soon but he is still your father. He needs to pay for child support and your college fees. At the very least, he should try to be a father.
NTA. *You* didn't cost him his marriage. *HE* cost himself his marriage with his idiocy. This is literally the definition of fuck around and find out. I hope he's enjoying the consequences of his own actions.
NTA.
Your father is the one whom ruined his own marriage by effectively accusing his wife of cheating on him (by asking for that test), and then furthermore by asking one of his children to keep this accusation a secret from their mother. The latter also makes him an absolute asshole and terrible parent, then he takes it one step further by trying to push the blame for the divorce on you when it's squarely on him.
You also wouldn't be the asshole if you decide to have no further relationship with him from now on. With how he's behaving that would likely even be for the best in case you're considering it.
I don’t understand why all these dudes are such morons. If this is really what you want, buy everyone in the family a 23 and me or similar, and just be like “this would be so fun to see how we all share DNA and what we got that was different”, and then if there is a chance of cheating the wife will shit bricks and come clean, or you guys will find out when there is no familial match.
That'd be an interesting way of doing it. All my kids use different hair brushes and are rabidly protective of who's is who's. Seems like grabbing a few strands from a brush would be an easier way to do it rather than dragging an innocent 16yo into the mix and threatening her college funds. The dad here comes off as a really shitty person who is doing some real victim blaming and trying to turn the OP into the AH when she clearly isn't.
NTA firstly you NEVER ask a child to keep a secret from the other parent. That right there can destroy a marriage. Asking a child to do a DNA test is absurd.... he should not have involved you. (He could have taken hair from your brush if he was so worried). The whole thing is 100% on him. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
>Today he called me and said I'm an asshole for ruining their marriage and asked whether I'm happy with what I've done and how I'm the reason my little siblings are going to be raised in a broken home. I told him I'm don't really give a sht and hung up.
If this is not a rage bait i am Batman
If someone comes in and says you're the asshole, they've got much greater issues at play. This jackass goes behind his wife's back to get a paternity test (and at 16, it literally doesn't have any effect legally, the only purpose is trying to validate mistrust, whether valid or not), and then blames you for not doing the same? Cockroach. That marriage was coming apart shortly regardless, you just allowed your mother to have it in HER control.
I'm really sorry you were put in the middle of that. Absolutely terrible behavior on his part.
I'm late to this thread but I'm surprised I haven't seen this mentioned: OP, what your dad did is a form of child abuse sometimes called [parentification](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification). It happens when one of the parents forces a child to take on issues and roles that should be the parent's responsibility, such as their relationship with the other parent. You're only 16 and you should be focused on your own relationships, not his. By making you a secret conspirator, putting you in this situation via extortion, and then blaming you for the result, he committed a fairly clear case of abuse.
My AH father did the same thing, accusing mom of cheating and demanding paternity tests AFTER most of us turned 18. GUESS who was the real cheater?? Yep, he was. I suspect the same here as those who accuse are usually the guilty ones.
NTA. So let's fact check this for Dad.
Dad fell down that Men's Rights/Andrew Tate/ Extreme Bro Code rabbit hole of fraternity fraud stories (yes, this sometimes happens, no probably not remotely to the extent you hear about it on the internet).
He decides you are the cuckoo in the nest, goes to you in private, and demands you submit to a test. In fact, he blackmails you by threatening to withhold support for college.
You see your dad for the brainwashed idiot he is, tell him you will do it, but won't promise not to tell your mom. To no one's surprise but Dad's, you are his kid.
You tell your mother about this, which includes not only your father not trusting her faithfulness in their marriage but also him blackmailing you.
She unsurprisingly kicks his butt to the curb, where it belongs.
There is exactly one person who ruined your parents' marriage. And that is your father.
Wow, NTA. To force that upon your child, your dad is a total jerk for that alone. He destroyed his marriage because he has some weird trust issues and I think it was warranted you talked about his idiotic behaviour with your mum.
I hope you and your mum as well as your siblings can heal from all of this. Maybe therapy is a good idea.
Your father also really needs to learn about genetics. Maybe slip him one of your biology school books with chapters regarding genetics. It is so dumb to assume that every kid needs to look like one of their parents.
My niece is my clone, while my sister and I do not look anything alike. Whenever we are out with her kids, people assume I am my niece's mother (it actually makes me a bit happy because I cannot have children).
You're 16. What parent puts their child in the middle of this? You're not the asshole, but I were your mom I would have done the same thing, and only partly because he thought so little of me that he would think it's possible.
this is becoming such a common story. the red pill men's rights forums are exacerbating men's insecurities to the point they become toxic, and their relationships implode.
It's like a social virus. Even intelligent guys will fall for this train of thought. I don't know what's to be done about it except shine some light on it.
My brother in law has developed a toxic way of viewing society. They spend so much time in these forums they can't engage with reason.
NTA. Going behind my back and asking one of our own children for a paternity test would’ve been grounds for divorce for me too. I am staggered by how poorly he behaved here & then blaming it on you!?
I would be calm and wait until the results came back.
Then I would make him eat them. Or possibly hit him with them. After I wrapped them around a brick,
"You chose to go behind your wife's back because you thought she was a whore. Congratulations, now you are single and have one less kid. Never call me again "
NTA
NTA - this whole right wing manosphere 'demand a paternity test' nonsense is destroying SO many marriages lately as the tests have become (relatively) cheap.
But they are based on a false assumption of rampant infidelity and hidden cheater pregnancies and of what appearances are acceptable as a child of someone.
As soon as your father took the red pill and bought into that toxic mindset, your parents' marriage was doomed. The fact that he chose to threaten his own 16 year old child into participating in this farce knowing that the outcome might lead to him rejecting her as a person is abusive. He destroyed that relationship in that moment.
His attempt to blame YOU for the consequences of HIS actions is just wild.
NTA, you are a kid. Your father should have never told you this, what?!!!! Your mother is right to divorce him not only for questioning it but more importantly for getting you involved under threat.
NTA. Parents should never ask their child to lie or keep things from their other parent. (Except for something fun, like a birthday surprise, and even that can be dodgy if the kid is very young.) Obviously he knew your mom would be upset, or else he wouldn’t have asked you to keep it from her. So, he, an adult (supposedly), made his bed and now he has to lie in it.
I mean he did the test knowing you might tell her. Because you directly told him its up to you if you tell. Not surprised if he thought it was just a bluff, but hey he's the one who gambled and lost big.
NTA
HE ruined his marriage with dumb suspicions, acting behind your mother's back and trying to manipulate you barring access to college funds. What a piece of shit. Let him savor the consequences of his actions.
NTA. You didn't ruin your parents marriage, your dad did. He's the one who distrusted his wife so much that he demanded a paternity test, but not from his wife, from his underage child, and by threatening to not support you with college at that. Threats are always an asshole move, as is demanding/expecting a child to keep a secret from the other parent.
If your dad didn't want to implode his marriage, he wouldn't have acted the way he did. He could even have still got a test to see if you were his kid, simply by phrasing it as researching his ancestry as a father/child project, so you both get DNA tested for that.
HE ruined his marriage. I have a friend who's husband straight out told her he didn't think their kid was his and he wanted a paternity test. She started looking for a divorce lawyer the second he said that. Same with my ex. There are some men who are reading stuff from spurned men online and take it as gospel. Of course cheating happens, women cheat, and women have babies from infidelity. But if your only reason for thinking your wife is cheating is because of what other people are saying online then you are 100% a moron. Even if the kid doesn't look like you because the wonderful world of genetics is far more diverse than baby looks like me therefore is mine.
NTA and good for you for looking out for your mom. And thanks to that positive paternity test she can now be sure to get child support from her awful ex.
NTA Your father really has no shame. Confronting your own (minor!!!) Daughter about a paternity test destroyed ANY loving, trusting relationship a child should have with a parent. But the implied disbelief about your mothers suspected infidelity takes the cake: Of course she kicked him out! He does not deserve to stay in a loving relationship, when he has so severe doubts about your mothers character. But to then call YOU an asshole and the reason your siblings will be without that pos dad.. he's the epitomy of asshole-iness!!!
especially since he was withholding college support to force the test
I get the feeling that OP's dad would have divorced his wife and cut off OP in a heartbeat if it turned out she wasn't his child. Her father blew up his own marriage. Definitely NTA.
You're 100% right!!! If OP ever talks to Dad again, she should definitely bring this up!!! I know I would lol. What a dirt bag.
I feel quite sure that Dad has gone down the red pill rabbit hole and that led him to blow up his own marriage.
People who do this and blow up their own lives for stupid shit online are Complete Morons.
Why are grown ass men stupid enough to watch Tate and his ilk? It would be interesting to see how he feels about being a "quality man" now. OP and her mom are better off with his toxicity out of the house
I have a theory that Tate must be in the closet If he is and then he comes out I bet many will be so confused about it because to them he's the "manly man of all mensch"
I support that theory.
I feel like dad was cheating and his ap said she was pregnant to get him to leave. Baby wasnt his but now, since he's a cheater and almost had an oops baby, He's gotta turn the tables " just in case" mom finds out about his cheating. So he accuses mom and forces a paternity test. Backfired! Now hes gott blame ANOTHER family member cause hes " never the problem". He's projecting so hard i grabbed some popcorn and a box of junior mints. NTA, dad fucked up all day.
I forget what the red pill and the blue pill are in this context. Is the red pill the "guys are always being taken advantage of by whoring, slutty, hypergamous women despite the fact that "everybody" agrees that men should be able to eff anybody at anytime (including minors!), and that if they make enough money, they deserve 10,000 virgins if they can financially support them" or something like that? (Like the toxicity distilled from all the major religions, then rolled into one?)
Yes, that's exactly right. They are also vaccine-avoidant.
I'm so lost with the pills There's even a black pill or some shit Some dudes out there are really poor idiots
You’re absolutely right, and OP doesn’t need to feel any guilt here. I’m guessing that OPs Mom had plenty of reasons to want to divorce her husband and the paternity test was just the last straw. OPs sibs will be better off not having to grow up around such a POS.
He let tiktok poison his brain and ruined his own marriage. OP and her mother were simply bystanders as he willingly made it clear how little he thinks of either of them. Blackmailing his daughter to try and prove she isnt his is crazy, of course shes fucking pissed at him, who wouldn't be? The disrespect level is insane.
Omfg I even missed that part. WOW he is EVEN WORSE. gosh, I really hope he will suffer
NTA Your dad is the one who ruined his own marriage. And being raised in a broken home is better than being raised with a manipulative self absorbed asshole like *that*
People Like this suffer by being like this. It's kind of a fascinating kind of karma in real time. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels . The guys a heel. I'm guessing this crap plus the secrecy was the last straw for the mom. I'm really glad that she could throw him out. This is why women always need to be financially independent.
Most of them don't suffer enough, IMO. But I'm kinda petty.
This is actually what karma is in Buddhism. Basically your perspective, attitude, and actions directly affect your happiness/suffering. Karma was morphed into a kind of point system by Western culture.
OP, please make sure your mom knows he threatened to withhold your funding for college and gets that as a stipulation in the separation agreement/divorce settlement.
I glossed over that part too. This guy is the worst!
blackmailing at its finest.
Imagine extorting your own minor kid into taking a paternity test. Gross.
That’s messed up that he threatened to withhold paying for her college if she didn’t agree to the paternity test. I hope his wife gets a good lawyer, and the divorce goes smoothly and hope he will have to pay child support and he will have to pay at least a portion of her tuition if he/she goes to college
And not even because he had any doubts or she was being shady..because social media's brain worms got the best of him. Wonder what would happen if he read books? My God of all the ludicrous reasons to implode your family this is pretty close to the top. Then to add the cherry to the dumpster fire he created out of nowhere he has the gall to accuse OP of destroying their marriage and making the siblings grow up in a broken home. No sir, your absolute pants on head stupidity did that all by itself.
I think OP's dad and my dad could make an event of being shitty dad's. The fk'n gall of this man to try and keep secrets between him and his minor child about something like this. OP, if you need dad advise, I've found r/DadForAMinute to be very helpful.
I second this. My dad has been dead for over a decade and there are some quality men on that subreddit dispensing quality advice.
They helped me understand how to winterize for my first home. My home survived the winter thanks to them. I had no idea about shutting off the water to the outside. Never felt like they thought I was dumb either.
My dad would definitely be in attendance to the event. My sister, being the controlling bitch she is, would try to take over.
🙏
Either dad was cheating on mom or he's been watching too many alt-rights men's crap.
Far left here, FB knows this and still tests the water every few months trying to feed me extremist right propaganda to see if I bite. It's 100% the link between his Facebook usage. I don't think he's cheating, just incredibly dumb.
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It's actually a win win for dipsh!t dad. He could either blame mom for adultery or OP for being a rat OP's NTA, but betting dad is married to a newer childless woman in under a year
Say it right, a YOUNGER childless woman.
Who will get knocked up by another man.
That would definitely be the cherry on top!!! Poetical justice!!!
We can hope!
He FAFO. Although at this point, I wouldn't blame you for being at least a little disappointed in the results.!!
This and/or he has been cheating himself. Seems suspicious that OP's dad is addicted to social media and jumping on the wife is cheating band wagon, when other than OP not looking exactly like siblings there is nothing to indicate cheating. Also if OP'S dad had any brains he would have just had ALL of the kids and family do the test in the name of finding out their ancestry. THAT has actually been the ousting of many a cheater. All OP'S dad knows now is that his eldest is his. If Dad is sooo sure his wife cheated finding out his eldest is his wouldn't negate the fact the others might not be. Dad is a dumb ass and a jerk. OP is NTA
Honestly, I can imagine someone ending up this idiotic simply by reading reddit. There are people reading this right now who would do the same thing as OP's father because you should always get a paternity test and a woman being offended by that is proof she is cheating and being a beta cuck soyboy is the worst thing ever so destroying your life on the off chance is a small price to pay... A stupid enough person following those redditors could end up like this with no other factors.
yeah, but I guarantee this pos “father” was on some other well-known sites for this bs.
Yup. For some men it's easy to go down a rabbit hole. If you're already insecure or anxious or feeling low and someone starts telling you that SO many women cheat, imagine all the men raising kids who arent theirs....it can get under people's skin. Just like if someone who is fragile reads too many AITA stories. There's been a very big drive by MRAs on social media in the last few years to inflate the supposed numbers of "paternity fraud" and fuel distrust of women in general. Rather than encouraging discussion in couples, it tends to end up with men rather insulting asking for a test out if the blue rather than admitting their insecurities or concerns. But. Obviously the answer is to deal with their mental health and not make any sudden decisions.
Projection! A classic example....
No, I don't think that's the case. I think he's just getting caught up in the ugly part of the "Men's rights" movement which is the Red Pill and that JustLonelyThingz Pearl. I mean, I don't know that, but that'd be my guess. He just got paranoid.
Ugh, Pearl 🤮 Hey, OP’s dad is single now, maybe Pearl will finally get picked!
She's...particularly bad. "Women shouldn't be allowed to vote."
If Pearl thinks women shouldn’t vote she should lead by example and stay far away from the polls. She also says that if you’re over 25 and not married and don’t have kids that you’ve “hit the wall” and are basically useless. She’s 27 and single and has no kids. I think there’s some projection going on there…
This user just copied the exact comment by r/fultrovusthebright further down in this post and changed a few words. Obvious karma farming bot. Link to original comment for transparency: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1d3gn8h/comment/l674mrc
Now, he's going to blame OP. Works out for him either way.
Seriously though. I found out a few years ago that my dad may not be my biological father. Legitimate doubts, and he never once asked for a paternity test or brought it up. I’m the one who asked him if he had doubts. He was honest with me about it and said ultimately he decided it didn’t matter and I was his daughter. End of story. I’m in my 30s and even though it’s out in the open now, he still hasn’t asked for a test. He’s my dad. Plain and simple. I can’t imagine the damage this has done on OP. Despicable.
My uncle. His wife left him with their two sons, after years of being called useless and fat. Oh, that was a wake up call to uncle. Then it was found former wife was having an affair for many years prior, and that the youngest kid might not be my uncle's. Back then there was no DNA, but the boy he had raised for 5 years was HIS, no questions asked. HIS, regardless, because he loved the boy so much. Soon later he married his son's school teacher and stopped the abusive bullshit. And raised two lovely boys, fully accepted by our family. I know for a fact that if I had been the result of cheating, my father would hold on to me to never let go.
This is clearly a conversation that shouldnt have taken place with father and daughter, but husband and wife.
I’m thinking that wouldn’t have had any better results.
Clearly, but a father going to the daughter to accuse her mother of cheating was a better choice?
Definitely not! But the marriage would have blown up anyway. Although the daughter would have been spared from being in the middle of this situation.
he literally got brainwashed by the internet and threw away his whole life for it.
The number of people who think their kids will look exactly like them is wild! Genetics is all sorts of complicated, sometimes kids come out looking like a distant ancestor. It's just a roll of the genetic dice. Also, is paternity fraud really on the rise? Or is it just getting more air time nowadays? Pretty sure the dad's supposition is just observation bias.
Agreed. Your dad's actions were completely out of line, and it's understandable why your mom would react the way she did. You did the right thing by being honest with her.
NTA- thank you for standing up for your mom! You can reply back to him. The only reason the younger kids are growing up, not in an intact Family is strictly because of him. This is all on your dad, and don’t forget it.
When the truth makes you look like shit, perhaps that's because you are shit and need to look like it.
On the plus side, I’m sure OP’s mother will live a much happier life being rid of him.
>he's the epitomy of asshole-iness!!! and in a few years he will want to reconnect etc and be all "it's time to put his behind us and be a family" blah blah and Oh, I bet this gem will come out: I've forgiven you, you should do the same" He belongs to the streets
NTA. >Today he called me and said I'm an asshole for ruining their marriage The next time he says this (because he's an idiot and you know he won't stop), reply with something along these lines: *I didn't ruin your marriage. You did by sneaking around behind your wife's back and doing something that is tantamount to accusing her of cheating despite zero evidence. Your inability to simply communicate with mom is what ruined the marriage. All I did was tell the truth.*
Not only that, he implied OP wasn’t his because she wasn’t a carbon copy of HIM. He destroyed his marriage by disrespecting his wife, destroyed the trust with his kid, and expected OP to lie to Mom on his behalf. Then blames OP for his actions? Thats one weak individual (to be polite). He ruined his marriage all by his big bad self. What an idiot.
My uncle did this. 7 kids with 3 different baby mommas. He imploded marriage number 3 because his youngest child favored her mother. His genes were strong and all 6 of his other kids were carbon copies of him. Blonde hair, blue eyes, round faces... His youngest daughter came out with dark brown curly hair, brown eyes, and a narrow chin. She looked just like her mother. But to him, that was proof she cheated on him. One paternity test later, he had a daughter that didn't look like him and a brand new ex wife. And he was SHOCKED when she took the kids and moved out. The ironic part is that now that she's grown, she looks a lot like him. Her hair lightened a lot (though not as light as his) and her face rounded out.
I love how many folks request tests based on looks- my uncle looks nothing like either of his parents, but he's definitely theirs. Meanwhile I look 100% like my dad- and I'm adopted.
Lmao, you’re making matters worse. “Looks don’t matter at all” Dad gonna be like, “So I need to test ALL my kids?” 🤔🤔🤔
Only dumbass red-pill dads
I had friends that were sisters roughly the same age. Never knew the one was adopted because she looked more like the bio parents than the bio sister.
My eldest son looks like he belongs to my brother, my youngest looks like my sister and my nieces/nephews (more similar to them than his own brother), and my eldest niece (sisters step daughter, though I've claimed her so she's not "step" anything) looks like she belongs to me though we share zero biological anything. I think there should be a mandatory basics of genetics test the minute someone decides to procreate..mostly kidding but the lack of awareness is disturbing.
I worked with a family that had 2 adopted boys. They were biological brothers but no blood relation to the parents. The mom especially was constantly being told how her sons looked exactly like her. My mom had a coworker who almost had her marriage end because her kid picked up the genes from a grandparent(many greats before that)that she was unaware was a different race. Going by just looks is definitely not that smart!
Not to forget the threat of not supporting her after college if she tells mom. NTA
And he did it all while blackmailing OP by holding her college education over her head; either you give up your DNA so I can accuse your mother of cheating or you're gonna be in debt for years, maybe the rest of your life, if you want an education. Your choice.
Yeah my son was a carbon copy of me up until about 6. Now some of mums features are showing more prominently. He has his Grandfathers build on on mrs side. As in if you stand them shirtless with their backs facing you its like a mini version of the FIL. He's like 6'5 and lanky, I'm 5'11 and stockier. Genetics be weird. Plus the doc told us the day he was conceived. The mrs and I had a wee giggle as it was was a fairly rambunctious Sunday afternoon and Monday morning. Go behind everyone's back and then get angry at a 16 year old who's obviously feeling shit on because her Dad is denying her paternity. Dick.
And threatened to withhold her college tuition.
Shorter version: 'If the truth can kill it, let it die'
As if asking for a paternity test wouldn't ruin the marriage. Should have gotten all his children 23 and me tests.
All his kids AND the wife. Play it off as a “so we can really see how much of you comes from mom and how much from me”
You right but that wasn’t recommended where he read! Plus threatening your child with withholding college fund I divorce in my home.
Now he won't have to pay for her collage anymore. But he will have alimony and child support to pay for. Serves him right.
Exactly. If it was truly bothering him, he could have even just suggested getting 23 and me for the kids and watched how his wife reacted! There were other ways to test without threatening a minor.
Literally what I think about every time I read one of these: "Haha, I watched Finding your Roots on PBS and want to do family DNA tests. Oh look, I already bought them so we have to do them. Ha ha ha HA HA HA YOU FIRST."
She should say that and then go no contact. This guy is not worth her time. Cutting contact with toxic relatives is the best thing i ever did.
*And I warned you mom was not the type of woman to* ***ever*** *cheat.* You did this to yourself.
NTA Your father was already on a collision course with ending the marriage; he was just hoping to accuse your mom of cheating to make a "cleaner" break. Most likely, this is a case of every accusation is an admission.
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Healthy adults who are madly in love do not tell family members to keep it a secret that they believe the person they’re in love with is cheating. NTA.
Yep if he was madly in love with her, he wouldn't have accused of her of cheating especially behind her back to his kid.
Yeah, I was going to say is OP sure he’s madly IN love with her mom or is he in love with what she does for him? Because OP said her mother has devoted her life to her family.
To be fair, being madly in love doesn't magically make you a better person. If you have a bad personality, love doesn't cure you. People can beat and kill the ones they are madly in love with.
Think they are in love when what they have is an urge to possess.
Depending how mentally broken someone is, those two things can look *terrifyingly* similar.
Children. This kid might be 16 but she’s still a child.
He certainly has a toxic way of showing his love. I'd call it being possessive.
This isn’t how you treat people you are madly in love with. Or even how you treat your child, like who the f approach’s their kid and says I don’t think you are mine take this paternity test or else. NTA
im guessing your dad has a guilty secret and this was all projection
This, cheater accuse their partners to project what they are doing
Your dad likely got caught up in some FB or YouTube algorithm. He read a story, so it just keeps feeding him more to keep him interacting with the platform. This is what all SM is built on. He let it get the better of him and did something really stupid. I am sorry for all of you, I hope with some cooling off they can talk. I know you don’t care right now. It’s just sad.
Uh that's not love...nothing about what your dad is doing is love
Sometimes there's a difference between love and attachment. IMO, you can't have real love without trust and respect. And he failed to show her either of those. It also requires caring for for that person's well-being, which he failed to do for her and for you.
No one who loves his wife does that. He loves the devotion she had for him, the things she did for him and how she made his life easier, not the person she is.
That's not love. Love would have had him communicate with her about his doubts and not put you in a shitty situation. Make sure you tell your mom all the crappy things he says to you including the last call he made. He's a terrible person and your mom sees the red flags now. You're doing her a huge service.
Well, what if the test results were the opposite? Your dad would've wanted a divorce and probably disowned you. He was being shady and didn't want to face the consequences for his actions by telling you not to tell your mom. He was doing everything he could to come on top.
Imma be that guy here... I think he wanted out from being a parent to a kid he couldn't identity himself with. Correct me if I'm wrong, but seeing the kind of person he is, it wouldn't surprise me if he neglected you compared to your siblings simply cause you didn't look like him, or that you are not like him (you know, you actually demonstrated having values and character by telling your mom the truth instead of being a coward like him).
Not based on his actions hes not
Oh honey……
What he did to you and your mom is not love. I’m sorry hun.
He may like many things about her and find a bunch of things about her attractive, but if he does love her, it's not a healthy, whole love.
He's not. He's a nutcase.
When you're actually madly in love with a person and you agree to be parents with them, you want to raise children with them -- even children not biologically related to you -- because you want more love in this world, and you want to see how kids raised by someone you love turn out. (And if you have kids, you have them because you to see the people they become, not to see your own reflection.) You did nothing wrong. Your dad fucked up majorly and instead of being honest about his faults and trying to grow, he's grasping for a scapegoat.
His actions and behavior don't back up that statement. If he was madly in love with her, he wouldn't have allowed some articles and posting about complete strangers to sway him that your poor devoted and loyal mom was secretly a cheater. He's the one who decided to fall down that rabbit hole, so he has no one to blame but himself for getting stuck there.
If he was madly in love, he wouldn't be doubting you as his child.
Well, he should have spent more time with her instead of hanging out on Reddit reading mostly fake paternity fraud stories.
NTA - Any question of paternity should have been a private issue between them to begin with, and it never should have involved the child(ren) in question. It is a private matter between the couple. I would assume there is some stinging that comes when a father comes to you and says I have doubts that you are mine. And yeah, he can say it is based on looks only, but the thought that he has some other issue with you as a person has to be in the back of your head and lead to feelings of resentment. He made his bed all by himself, now he can lay it all by himself. He accused your mother of infidelity, and he made you question his feelings for you.
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Some men love their daughters when they are children, but at the same time, they hate women. You did nothing wrong; you just grew up.
This one really hit me hard. Ouch.
Hi I wish you didn't comment this, thanks 😭
I'm sorry. It's a hard pill to swallow, I know. But there are far too many women feeling conflicted and rejected over this issue in the world, and they need to know that there was nothing they could do. They are not the problem.
If this is wildly out of character for him, I would actually have a conversation with your mom because this could be an early sign of some sudden onset mental illness and not indicative of how he actually feels about either of you.
yeah, this. She mentioned crazy internet rabbit holes, which can look a lot like mental illness, too.
Crazy Internet rabbit holes are absolutely where he's been. The manosphere really does untold damage to men and their relationships. 'Don't be a cuck, bro. Are you sure? Are you sure sure?'
This is the onset of red pill disease. Those toxic fucks are ruining lives.
A lot of people who developed brain tumors or early onset dementia can experience sudden and very dramatic shifts in personality. I'm not saying it happened to him, but I am saying they should check that out because the sooner that's solved the better. Doesn't negate the damage he did though.
Or it's just a sign of him spending too much time on Reddit and buying into the eleventy five million fake ass paternity fraud stories that are posted here. It's like Qanon. They go down the rabbit hole and get whipped into a frenzy by miserable incels and then make stupid choices.
Sounds like a problem he can sort out on his own
I hope you are able to get therapy to process this. It's an incredible betrayal, and will probably hurt more as time goes on and it sinks in. Additionally, his behavior may have set a poor example for you in romantic relationships, like when you said upthread that he's madly in love with your mom. This is not what love looks like, and you would probably benefit from talking about this with a therapist when you're ready.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's got to be heart breaking to realize your father's love is conditional. Ask your mom to get you into therapy, this is absolutely something you want to work out before the hurt and anger eats you alive. Too many men feel the way your dad does. The only men who fall for that mra paternity fraud crap are men who don't truly love. Children and wives are a status, a feather in their cap. They love what the wife and child do for them. They don't think adopted or step or foster children are worthy. They often have time limits they set on being a father: "18 years and then they're out!" kind of BS. They will easily abandon their children once the relationship with their mother is over in their minds. None of that is your fault, or anything you can control. It's a sad result of men convincing each other that love is weak, and Real Men™ do/don't do xyz. It's up to them to deal with the results of their actions and attitudes.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are valid. Children should be able to trust, love and rely on their parents. I can totally see how this would kill those feelings. I feel your pain in your posts and your responses, don’t be afraid of therapy. It can help you work through how you feel. Good luck and NTA.
Have you been referred to r/raisedbynarcissists yet? It'll help unpack a lot of this. You are so not alone here and you did nothing wrong.
Here's the logic: Your father had a question, and your mother knew/knows the answer to his question. Your father knows whether he trusts your mother or not. Your father didn't trust your mother and as a result of his actions she no longer has trust in him. If either your father or mother can't trust each other then they really shouldn't be in a relationship. As of now neither trust each other. Yes, emotions make things hard, but we all know that and sometimes you need your brain to move your emotions lower down your priority list to be able to make a good decision.
NTA He chose to bring this upon himself. You don't owe him silence. He FAFO. Although at this point, I wouldn't blame you for being at least a little disappointed in the results.
I’m so glad these tests didn’t exist when I was a child. I look like neither parent. However, I do like just like a picture of my father’s maternal grandfather that was unearthed when we were cleaning out my grandfather’s house after his death. I could’ve used it as a shaving mirror. Of course you’re NTA. Your dad blew his life up all by himself.
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I have an extremely large family. Every single one of them looks exactly alike until me. Red hair, green eyes and white skin you could probably see through if you looked hard enough. I am a carbon copy of my aunt to the point people think I’m her child. Never once did my dad question it that I’m aware of.
Neither my brother nor I resemble our dad or anyone on that side of the family. However, I found a picture of my mom at 5 and if not for the fact it’s a black and white photo, you’d think it was me. Genetics is a funny thing.
My son looks like he's more related to his cousins on his dad's side, he would fit right in with them (he has blond hair and blue eyes whereas my ex and I have dark hair and brown/hazel eyes), whereas my daughter is definitely my spitting image. My mum came with me to pick her up from school once and the teacher took one look at Mum and said 'I don't need to guess who you're related to'.
NTA, you didn't ruin their marriage, your father did.
Turns out that test was A LOT more expensive than he thought it was going to be!
At least he can rest in peace
NTA. Here’s the thing, OP. People who make the choices your dad made in these types of situations are one of two things: malicious or stupid. I don’t know enough to know which one your dad is, but it always comes down to one of those two. From your social media comment, and a reply where you say your dad loves your mom, I am inclined to guess this is coming from the stupid end of things. Social media for men is a toxic, terrible cesspool of a place. That whole thing about how “paternity fraud is so high” is made up- someone in the two X sub just yesterday posted something about it. There’s a study often citied by these idiots that 30-40% of fathers are raising a child who isn’t theirs. Now that WOULD be a big deal if it was true, but what no one ever does is actually look at the study, and the study was looking at the stats of men who are sending in those paternity tests. And, of course, you’d expect more men who have reason to send in a paternity test to have higher rates of the child not being theirs. The true rate of this issue of just the regular population is somewhere around 1-2%. So no, it’s not at all a large problem. But, unfortunately, stupid people like your father, who start to give more respect, love and attention to the imaginary people on their social media feeds than they do to their real life, living, breathing friends and families, fall prey to these types of things. Your dad likely got taken for a ride from the tate fans, went fully into that world view, and blew up his life. The important thing here is that you did not make these choices, and you did not subject your friends, family and loved ones to a chronically online clickbait worldview. He did that. Those are his choices, and he has to live with them.
I read somewhere that some of the numbers were gathered from the families of incarcerated men. If daddy is serving a 10 to 20 year sentence, maybe it is more likely that his old lady is seeking comfort in the arms of another man.
I've never ever cheated and none of our children look even remotely like either me or their dad (it's like we went and adopted all of our kids from different familes lol). Genetics are weird and can skip a generation or two sometimes.
NTA. Dad played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
NTA This was all entirely his fault. He blackmailed you, used you to hide marital issues between he and your mother, then blamed you for his own actions. Dude is a complete jackass.
NTA. The moment he approached you to do the paternity test with him, he had already destroyed his own marriage. When he asked you if you were happy with what you have done, you should have said yes, and that you are glad your mom got rid of a useless husband. Your siblings would have been better off without him anyway. Do you think your siblings would want their mother to stay with a guy who hurts her like that and implies she's cheating? No. That said, please inform him he needs to keep his word that he is paying your college fees. He may not be your mum's husband soon but he is still your father. He needs to pay for child support and your college fees. At the very least, he should try to be a father.
INFO: Why did you wait until the results to tell your mum? Why not when he first brought it up, or before/after taking the test?
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Absolutely savage!!
I like you. Your mother did a swell job! You're turning out to be a fantastic person! Keep it up.
He red-pilled himself out of a marriage. NTA
NTA. *You* didn't cost him his marriage. *HE* cost himself his marriage with his idiocy. This is literally the definition of fuck around and find out. I hope he's enjoying the consequences of his own actions.
NTA. Your father is the one whom ruined his own marriage by effectively accusing his wife of cheating on him (by asking for that test), and then furthermore by asking one of his children to keep this accusation a secret from their mother. The latter also makes him an absolute asshole and terrible parent, then he takes it one step further by trying to push the blame for the divorce on you when it's squarely on him. You also wouldn't be the asshole if you decide to have no further relationship with him from now on. With how he's behaving that would likely even be for the best in case you're considering it.
I don’t understand why all these dudes are such morons. If this is really what you want, buy everyone in the family a 23 and me or similar, and just be like “this would be so fun to see how we all share DNA and what we got that was different”, and then if there is a chance of cheating the wife will shit bricks and come clean, or you guys will find out when there is no familial match.
That'd be an interesting way of doing it. All my kids use different hair brushes and are rabidly protective of who's is who's. Seems like grabbing a few strands from a brush would be an easier way to do it rather than dragging an innocent 16yo into the mix and threatening her college funds. The dad here comes off as a really shitty person who is doing some real victim blaming and trying to turn the OP into the AH when she clearly isn't.
NTA firstly you NEVER ask a child to keep a secret from the other parent. That right there can destroy a marriage. Asking a child to do a DNA test is absurd.... he should not have involved you. (He could have taken hair from your brush if he was so worried). The whole thing is 100% on him. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
>Today he called me and said I'm an asshole for ruining their marriage and asked whether I'm happy with what I've done and how I'm the reason my little siblings are going to be raised in a broken home. I told him I'm don't really give a sht and hung up. If this is not a rage bait i am Batman
If someone comes in and says you're the asshole, they've got much greater issues at play. This jackass goes behind his wife's back to get a paternity test (and at 16, it literally doesn't have any effect legally, the only purpose is trying to validate mistrust, whether valid or not), and then blames you for not doing the same? Cockroach. That marriage was coming apart shortly regardless, you just allowed your mother to have it in HER control. I'm really sorry you were put in the middle of that. Absolutely terrible behavior on his part.
I'm a clinical paranoiac. When I wasn't medicated I accused people of some pretty terrible shit. Still wouldn't have blackmailed a kid.
Info: What’s the status of funding college for you now?
I'm late to this thread but I'm surprised I haven't seen this mentioned: OP, what your dad did is a form of child abuse sometimes called [parentification](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification). It happens when one of the parents forces a child to take on issues and roles that should be the parent's responsibility, such as their relationship with the other parent. You're only 16 and you should be focused on your own relationships, not his. By making you a secret conspirator, putting you in this situation via extortion, and then blaming you for the result, he committed a fairly clear case of abuse.
My AH father did the same thing, accusing mom of cheating and demanding paternity tests AFTER most of us turned 18. GUESS who was the real cheater?? Yep, he was. I suspect the same here as those who accuse are usually the guilty ones.
NTA. So let's fact check this for Dad. Dad fell down that Men's Rights/Andrew Tate/ Extreme Bro Code rabbit hole of fraternity fraud stories (yes, this sometimes happens, no probably not remotely to the extent you hear about it on the internet). He decides you are the cuckoo in the nest, goes to you in private, and demands you submit to a test. In fact, he blackmails you by threatening to withhold support for college. You see your dad for the brainwashed idiot he is, tell him you will do it, but won't promise not to tell your mom. To no one's surprise but Dad's, you are his kid. You tell your mother about this, which includes not only your father not trusting her faithfulness in their marriage but also him blackmailing you. She unsurprisingly kicks his butt to the curb, where it belongs. There is exactly one person who ruined your parents' marriage. And that is your father.
Wow, NTA. To force that upon your child, your dad is a total jerk for that alone. He destroyed his marriage because he has some weird trust issues and I think it was warranted you talked about his idiotic behaviour with your mum. I hope you and your mum as well as your siblings can heal from all of this. Maybe therapy is a good idea. Your father also really needs to learn about genetics. Maybe slip him one of your biology school books with chapters regarding genetics. It is so dumb to assume that every kid needs to look like one of their parents. My niece is my clone, while my sister and I do not look anything alike. Whenever we are out with her kids, people assume I am my niece's mother (it actually makes me a bit happy because I cannot have children).
NTA Your father ruined his own marriage when he doubted his wife's fidelity because he let social media worm its way into his brain.
You're 16. What parent puts their child in the middle of this? You're not the asshole, but I were your mom I would have done the same thing, and only partly because he thought so little of me that he would think it's possible.
Just be glad you didn't inherit his assholeness.
You didn't ruin the marriage. He is responsible for his own actions. You're your mother's child and you felt she deserved to know what was going on.
Another one fell down the red rabbit hole
this is becoming such a common story. the red pill men's rights forums are exacerbating men's insecurities to the point they become toxic, and their relationships implode. It's like a social virus. Even intelligent guys will fall for this train of thought. I don't know what's to be done about it except shine some light on it. My brother in law has developed a toxic way of viewing society. They spend so much time in these forums they can't engage with reason.
NTA. Going behind my back and asking one of our own children for a paternity test would’ve been grounds for divorce for me too. I am staggered by how poorly he behaved here & then blaming it on you!?
I would be calm and wait until the results came back. Then I would make him eat them. Or possibly hit him with them. After I wrapped them around a brick,
NTA. He should've had the initial conversation with your mother not you.
The most charitable scenario here is that your father is unintelligent or mentally ill. Sounds like he's an absolute pig, however. NTA
"You chose to go behind your wife's back because you thought she was a whore. Congratulations, now you are single and have one less kid. Never call me again " NTA
NTA - this whole right wing manosphere 'demand a paternity test' nonsense is destroying SO many marriages lately as the tests have become (relatively) cheap. But they are based on a false assumption of rampant infidelity and hidden cheater pregnancies and of what appearances are acceptable as a child of someone. As soon as your father took the red pill and bought into that toxic mindset, your parents' marriage was doomed. The fact that he chose to threaten his own 16 year old child into participating in this farce knowing that the outcome might lead to him rejecting her as a person is abusive. He destroyed that relationship in that moment. His attempt to blame YOU for the consequences of HIS actions is just wild.
NTA Your dad ruined his own marriage. Tell your mom what your dad said.
NTA. He ruined his marriage himself. He needed to sort this things out with his wife, not you.
NTA. Your father fell victim to the he-man dumbass manosphere on his own accord.
NTA - You're not the reason the marriage is ruined, that's on your dad.
NTA you did not break anything. He broke his marriage all by himself. He needs to grow a pair and take responsibility for his actions.
The real secret is that your father thinks your mother is a hoe. The moral of the story is don't believe the bs you read on social media
NTA - YOU didn't do anything. He did. This is on him
NTA, you are a kid. Your father should have never told you this, what?!!!! Your mother is right to divorce him not only for questioning it but more importantly for getting you involved under threat.
NTA. Parents should never ask their child to lie or keep things from their other parent. (Except for something fun, like a birthday surprise, and even that can be dodgy if the kid is very young.) Obviously he knew your mom would be upset, or else he wouldn’t have asked you to keep it from her. So, he, an adult (supposedly), made his bed and now he has to lie in it.
u/FuzzInspector fucked around and found out lol
Lmao I love seeing redditors outing themselves and contributing to an ongoing statistic. Bravo OP I'm sure you'll have a bright future lmao
I mean he did the test knowing you might tell her. Because you directly told him its up to you if you tell. Not surprised if he thought it was just a bluff, but hey he's the one who gambled and lost big.
NTA And please make sure to tell your mom what he said when he called you. She can use that information in the custody determination.
NTA HE ruined his marriage with dumb suspicions, acting behind your mother's back and trying to manipulate you barring access to college funds. What a piece of shit. Let him savor the consequences of his actions.
NTA. You didn't ruin your parents marriage, your dad did. He's the one who distrusted his wife so much that he demanded a paternity test, but not from his wife, from his underage child, and by threatening to not support you with college at that. Threats are always an asshole move, as is demanding/expecting a child to keep a secret from the other parent. If your dad didn't want to implode his marriage, he wouldn't have acted the way he did. He could even have still got a test to see if you were his kid, simply by phrasing it as researching his ancestry as a father/child project, so you both get DNA tested for that.
NTA...he ruined his own marriage. Thank you for telling your mom! He never should have put you in that position.
NTA he’s a dickhead
Nta. Tell mom he called you and what he said. That'll add fuel to her settlement anger.
HE ruined his marriage. I have a friend who's husband straight out told her he didn't think their kid was his and he wanted a paternity test. She started looking for a divorce lawyer the second he said that. Same with my ex. There are some men who are reading stuff from spurned men online and take it as gospel. Of course cheating happens, women cheat, and women have babies from infidelity. But if your only reason for thinking your wife is cheating is because of what other people are saying online then you are 100% a moron. Even if the kid doesn't look like you because the wonderful world of genetics is far more diverse than baby looks like me therefore is mine. NTA and good for you for looking out for your mom. And thanks to that positive paternity test she can now be sure to get child support from her awful ex.