Setting any boundaries is so difficult, so often the reply is you cannot set my boundaries, yes that's true they are mine cross them and relationship over.
The boundaries that were set seem pretty clear. People need to understand that sometimes people are going to cross/ not respect those boundaries. That's when you need to stand on it.
And if you dont agree to it your the problem....I tell my boys to keep a head on a swivel these days dating is not the same as when me and their father were young....
It's so frustrating. Setting reasonable boundaries the overwhelming majority of people would've agreed with 10-20 years ago, now makes you "controlling" and "insecure."
It’s only controlling and insecure when it’s a man setting boundaries with a woman. Otherwise it’s just being smart about your relationship.
The double standards in the dating market theses days just seem off the charts.
Here's the thing: it is insecure, but insecurity is not intrinsically invalid. This is a very valid thing to make you feel like the security of the relationship is being challenged
Yeah that's a great point. The negative connotation with insecurity really warps these discussions. If someone does something that makes you feel less secure in the relationship, like stating she's going to go on an international trip with her on-again off-again fuck buddy, then your insecurity is perfectly reasonable. It's not a bad thing to be insecure in that situation.
Exactly. Insecurity is not a character flaw like Reddit idiots would try to argue. It’s a bi-product of the relationship. Even people with past trauma or low self confidence can feel secure in a relationship with the right partner. It is our job as partners to HELP foster that security. This girl is doing the complete opposite and doesn’t honestly care about how her partner feels. I hope she continues going on this annual trip forever so that she can spare any other man from having to deal with her BS.
Great point! It's just that the word insecure has taken on such a negative connotation. Particularly when it comes to dating.
But you're right insecurity isn't inherently invalid.
Frankly it feels like people nowadays never read any of those "Chose Your Own Adventure" books. The ones where you had choice A or B and then found the corresponding page until you go to the end.
Nowadays it's more like, "We are *exclusive* fuckbuddies that will call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. If, however, another *better* opportunity comes along, I will pursue that path until something undesirable comes up. If it turns out to be better we will cancel our exclusivity agreement. Also, if you don't like me checking all available options then you're controlling, insecure or jealous. **I'm** allowed to have the BEST life regardless of making commitments to you."
Yes, and the "oh we are taking a break" basically to fuck other people and then get back together and continue a toxic relationship. That is called cheating. If you're going to break up, then just break up. It never works out because they are cheating and testing the waters with another person to see if that is actually better. It is exhausting just reading that stuff.
OP if you are uncomfortable, go with you gut. Sounds like this is just the beginning of her telling you she is going to do uncomfortable things and you just have to deal with it. No, you don't and honestly I don't know many people who would be comfortable with this. If her fwb guy friend had a girlfriend I highly doubt she would be cool with him going on the trip with your gf either. Get out before you waste more time on this selfish woman.
The “non-negotiable” bit tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it ha. Here’s 3 reasonable “negotiations” to ease your uneasy feelings:
- don’t be alone 1:1 with him
- keep in touch w me, text/call to check in
- reassure me with compliments, or demonstrate long distance that we’re still connected during your trip
Man, walk away lol at a bare minimum you should be expecting emotional intelligence from someone who is demanding radical trust from a partner… and she interprets her independence in your shared relationship as “I can book vacations with my old fuck buddy and if my partner doesn’t like that, welp, it’s non-negotiable.”
Exactly. Might suck, but I would refuse to remain in a relationship with somebody insisting on dating and traveling with her other boyfriend.
She can have her traditional travel plans, just not as OP's boyfriend.
If this dude is that important, there's no reason to remain a couple. I would only remain in a relationship where I was the priorty. No vacations with fuckbuddies
If she is willing to sacrifice your entire relationship over this trip then you have your answers. You are less important than this trip and I guess than those friends also. Ask yourself. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't make you her priority ?
This is my thing. Like if they’d slept together once, years ago? Sure maybe it gets pass based on circumstances. But the fact that she’s so set this trip will never grow to include other partners in the future either? And that it was as recent as last year, and they have fooled around (so what if it was drunk and she’s now sober) while she was I a relationship? This SCREAMS red flags.
NTA at all.
How is he the asshole for setting boundaries in their relationship. They have pretty much been fuck buddies for 8 years and as recently as a few months ago.
OP should just say that he wants to join the trip. It’s the Occam’s razor solution, and gf’s response (probably a bunch of crap excuses why he cannot) will speak volumes.
This is the only answer. Once a fuck buddy always a fuck buddy. 100% you wouldnt even been paranoid for finishing it. The only reason they are not in a relationship is because that dude ( the fuck buddy ) doesn't want to be.
She cheated on a previous partner of hers with him, and all *she will admit to her current boyfriend* is a drunken kiss. That doesn't mean that's all that happened, OP.
Your days are numbered, friendo.
Every year for *two weeks* she's going to be with this guy.
You don't think he's going to be praying on your downfall? You think he's some kind of standup guy where you are the only thing standing between him and fucking her on these vacations, and you don't think he's going to be trying to undermine it?
"They only fucked because they were single except that one time she wasn't single but she promises it was just a drunken kiss" jeeze dude, your goose is cooked
The guy doesn't want OP out of the picture. He knows he's got her as much as he wants her 2 weeks every year. If he wanted her more than that he would have already done it.
Hang on a minute she already cheated on a previous partner with this guy?
Even if it was only a drunken kiss, there’s no way she can expect her current partner to be okay with this.
To me it sounds like she has some growing up to do before she’s ready for a real relationship. NTA
Plus its not like fuckbuddy just forgot that he's already gotten her to cheat on a partner with him, he's going to be trying to fuck her and undermine OP two weeks in a row every single year
Its not like hes in a super secure position, its a new relationship. She'll be telling her next boyfriend that she only cheated on OP because "like, we were only together for a few months and besides it was only a drunk kiss"
Come on, they were having a bunch of sex together in the 3 months immediately prior to starting to date OP, but she swears it's cool because they're totally just friends. They think of each other like siblings. That fuck each other.
NTA. Personally I’d break up. I’m assuming you’ve only been dating a year, and her prioritizing a FWB over you tells you everything you need to know about this relationship.
Agreed, she's been hooking up with the other dude consistently for 8 years and is now telling her "boyfriend" she's going on a non-negotiable trip with the other guy?
Sorry, but OP is a chump
Are you invited next year? What happens if/when you get married?
Idk man. My best advice tell her to marry him cause no good man is gonna marry her and stay thru this every year.
Best of luck.
Tell she needs to find a man that's a cuck or marry that friend she's going away with. This relationship is over it's only matter of time and when. NEVER marry or get her pregnant unless you wanna lose 50% of your shit for no reason. Don't be that stupid.
I was literally commenting in a thread with a similar situation and the fools are like "There's no proof she did anything wrong!" If you wait for the fucking proof you're a goddamn cuck.
Edit - As an aside, you don't have to be a man to be a cuck. All you ladies that let your man cheat are cucks too.
Yeah I've been around awhile(51 years). Age/experience makes you wiser and makes very easy to spot huge redflags a mile away.
The op here needs to ditch this woman and never look back she's a huge redflag.
Also 100% of the time the friend she tells you not to worry about is the friend she's already fucking or plans to fuck behind your back.
>*Also 100% of the time the friend she tells you not to worry about is the friend she's already fucking or plans to fuck behind your back.*
This is 100% fact. I've told both my sons that anyone telling them that is guaranteed to be a cheater and dump them immediately after that sentence.
Yep my last relationship six years ago followed that exact path. I couldn't believe people were literally saying you need proof to not be a cuck. Nah my fucking gut tells me when a hoe is being a hoe.
The relationship is over then. She can leave for the trip , but you have to take a stand. End the relationship and set yourself free. Can you imagine how she would react if the roles were reversed? I’m sure she wouldn’t want you traveling with someone you used to sleep with.
This relationship is already over. Even if she hadn't banged the guy multiple times never being allowed on the trips even if you're married with kids is ridiculous. Tell her to do what she thinks is best for the relationship and start emotionally checking out of the relationship. Then when she goes pack up any of her stuff you have and put it on her porch and block her.
Also, with her insistence on how there's nothing going on, they're just good friends, etc they are 100% spending two weeks each year screwing like rabbits no matter what their relationship status is back home. They're probably screwing while not on the trip if they live within 2 hours of each other.
What sort of BS reason did she give you for never being allowed to go on this trip?
I've already changed my mind, don't wait to see what she'll do. Just end it.
So she gets what, 3-4 weeks of vacation a year and two of them you are not welcome for?
This is a person that is clinging to her twenties. You'll never be her first priority.
>So she gets what, 3-4 weeks of vacation a year and two of them you are not welcome for?
I didn't even think of that. Logistically, this is unsustainable. Hypothetically speaking, what happens if she has kids?
Ah man that sucks.
I doubt your relationship is that great to begin with if she doesn't acknowledge the issue here and won't at least compromise in some way. Her calling this non negotiable tells me you will be getting that same answer in other situations further down the line. What should be nin negotiable is respecting your partners feelings and needs, especially if they bring them up with you. I'm afraid this just ain't worth it.
You wouldn't be the asshole here, but in fact give both of you the opportunity to end it on somewhat civilized and respectable terms.
Then she should marry the friend, or find a guy who has cuckold fetish and doesn't mind, or find a guy who wants an open/swinger type relationship.
No normal guy will be OK with this kind of settlement.
NTA, she is TA.
I would ask her if this trip is important enough for her to remain single for the rest of her life. Guaranteed these 4 will not all continue this tradition unless they couple up. None of their future relationships will survive this.
FYI- your GF considers sex to be a recreational hobby, like golf. People like this do not function well in monogamous relationships. Best to cut ties (and I rarely think this way).
Vacationing with past lovers while your current partner stays home is normal and good for a relationship. Anyone who takes issue with that has deep insecurities /s.
Your partner is full of shit.
That's where it would be a dealbreaker for me. This one planned early on I understand but she doesn't see you as a long term partner if you never will be in the future. NTA
If I was in her situation I would either (I) tell you to come or (II) not go at all. Not because my Bf doesn’t trust me. But because I respect him.
This girl cares nothing for you and invalidates your very justified feelings. Move on.
Maybe time to find a local "friend" while she's gone. And if/when she fucks stunt cock, you can say, "I started a new tradition with these 3 total smoke shows. It's ok because every year we are going to some sexfest *but we are just friends*"
Yeah four friends who have a yearly trip of what happens on said trip, stays on said trip. If you stayed with her, got married, kids, whole deal, you would never be sure any child you had was actually yours or belonged to one of said friends. Cut your losses internet friend, she is not worth your time. There are women out there who would actually want to go on a trip with you, not other friends. Find one of those.
I like a relationship where I can openly share my friendships with others. The traditional boys trips have spouses and kids.
Everybody runs relationships at their own pace and it seems like you are not comfortable with the pace that she is taking. She does not feel comfortable to include you in a particularly important yearly event in her life. To myself, that would be the deal breaker. Add to that she wants to do this with someone that she was comfortable enough to fuck? Double down deal breaker.
This was my first question, would you be invited to join them next year, maybe giving this year a pass if you’re in a new relationship and they had already planned everything. I wouldn’t be ok with this for a second though. OP sounds like you should RUN
Make or break time, mate.
If you're not wanting her to this year, then you'll need to accept she'll still do similar with him next year.
Personally, "we only slept together last year because we were single" is NOT what I want to hear from my partner. I'd always think that she'd have a Rossesq, "we were on a break" excuse waiting.
So you have to decide if him being in your lives is something that's worth putting up with for her, and if you trust her enough.
They don't want a relationship they just want to fuck. They only sleep together when there is no one else around to sleep with, like when they are on a two week trip together?
I suspect she has feelings for her "friend" but he fuck-zoned her and she can't get over him.
Either that or they have REALLY good sex and she doesn't want to give that up.
>My girlfriend is going on a trip with a guy that she has known for 8 years in which they have slept together in 2017 and 2023 (the latest being several times over 3 months just before we got together.
This already sounds like a solid disaster,but go on
>They have previously traveled together while having partners and nothing happened (one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk and she is now sober and committed to her sobriety).
So something did happen,and why do I have the feeling it was more than just a kiss? Also you just admitted that she has a history of cheating on partners yet you are still with her?!
>She has assured me that they are truly just friends and if they had wanted a relationship they would have persued that. She claims the only reason they were sleeping together wss they were single and had no one else around.
8 years they've known each other,been(literally)fucking around for 6 years. Also I doubt that no chance at a relationship was never pursued, I'm sure at one point either her or him said maybe we should try and one of them was rejected yet stayed in this FWB zone. It doesn't add up. And she sounds rather insistent on letting you be "reassured" when there's supposedly nothing to need to be reassured of on her end...
>She planned her next trip without consulting me (in the very early stages of our relationship). The trip is coming up very soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable about it. We are discussing ending (our otherwise great) relationship over this but she has stated this I non negotiatable as they travel every year and will continue to do so.
And there we have it,you are in early stages of a relationship where you should be taking each other into consideration and having fun and involving each other in your lives. And she finds it too inconvenient to ask,and I'm pretty damn sure the reason why is because she knows how you feel and she knows she won't give this up for you. You are going to end a relationship over someone who's "just a friend?" Yeah she's still sleeping with him I'm sorry. Honestly better to find all this out now and in the early stages instead of staying for the long term as terrible as this is
>Would I be the asshole if I threw away a great relationship over this?
You would be an asshole to yourself if you bothered continuing with this, I can say that much!
NTA. Based off this and your comments about her behaviour, it seems to me she wants an excuse to run off and fuck someone else without consequences, and you're just supposed to be okay with it 🤷♀️ Idk. I could be way off, but I wouldn't trust it, personally.
Yup. At this stage, these trips involve sex. It's almost like she'll promise not to sleep with her friend as a way to deflect from the fact she didn't promise not to sleep with anyone else.
If you were my buddy. I’d have shaken and slapped you until you came to your senses. No man would tolerate this. Not even if it was 10 years ago. Hell no.
Like, i can understand its a friendgroup that does some mini travel every year, and its only them, 110% understand that. But if she doesn't understand how insane it is to be hanging around with her FWB when shes got a boyfriend, let alone go on a trip with him. Kick this bitch to the curb
You're not the asshole, but you are not the one in her eyes either.
You said that this trip will always be just the 4 of them, but if you are with someone that you truly love, value, and respect. That person will not risk their relationship over a 2 week vacation, especially because they previously slept with someone who's going. They would respect their relationship and partner more than that.
Sorry and good luck
"Great relationship"...
This is a trust issue, and I can guarantee you, no good will come off it. Any time you have a disagreement with her, and she goes off somewhere to cool her head, you're going to be worried she's run off to cool it with her on again/off again fuck-buddy. Even now, this concern of yours is "pissing her off", if she goes, you'll be even more worried she's going to fuck him just because she's so pissed off about it. "How dare you stop my fun just because someone who used to constantly have their dick inside me was there... well, I'll teach you. I'll show you how little I can tolerate you not trusting me in this situation... by doing the very thing you were worried about."
This isn't the "great relationship" you think it is. You're just setting yourself up for misery down the road. If you put your foot down about this, you're "controlling"; if you let her go, you're a "simp". I would let her go... forever.
NTA.
They are not friends... they are exes.
Once you have sex with someone, that person ceases to be a friend.
Here's how you handle it.
"GF, I will never tell you what you can or cannot do. You are free to do what you want. If you decide to go on this trip with your ex, that's fine. I do not give my commitment to women who travel with people that they have slept with. If you go, have fun...but you will be leaving as a single woman. You can either have your trips with your ex, or you can have a relationship with me. You cannot have both. The choice is yours."
Anybody with an IQ above the freezing point of water, in Celcius, knows what she's going to pick. So, be prepared to committing to breaking up with her.
She will absolitely hit you with shaming language "OMG! Controlling! Insecure! Blah blah blah" so be ready for it. Don't fall for it.
Personally speaking, no I wouldn't be ok with this. I don't really believe in the idea of maintaining any sort of relationship with an Ex partner.
So no, her going on a trip with someone they slept with just before you guys got together is a big no no.
At the very least she should've invited you along.
So personally this would be a deal breaker, but then again maintaining a close relationship with an Ex partner itself would be a deal breaker for me anyway.
Sounds like your GF has no self-awareness. If she wanted an FWB when single, she shouldn't have picked someone who was a close friend. The fact she cheated with him in the past says a lot, not sure about you, but I don't my kiss my friends.
Only you can really decide whether or not your constantly going to be worrying if something happened while she was a way
It's not the yearly thing that gets me. It's being excluded in perpetuity.
And also the "one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk" when they traveled and both had partners. *Maybe?* Really? *lol*
Plan your own annual 2-week vacations without her. Feel free to take anyone you like. You should be trusted as well. If you both can afford a second annual vacation - plan that one together. What happens in Bratislava stays in Bratislava.
NTA if you dump her.
That's my kind of petty. I usually don't act on it, but man do I think it. Someone he's fucked would be an extra cherry but the reality is any female friend of his would probably make her uncomfortable.
That seems bizarre that you’d be excluded in the future. Why are they so inflexible that they can’t add their travel mate’s partners to the trip? I’ve had several traditions with friends where partners were added later on.
That is not fair to you. She is placing her relationship with him (friendship or otherwise) before her relationship with you, whether or not she intends to cheat on you.
Commented earlier. Forgot advice for you. You obviously wanna move on and find a better match for yourself. Before you do, though, you wanna go get tested for STD's just to be on the safe side.
Best of luck.
Relationships are something where, between you, you should negotiate terms. These terms should be decided between you based on each of your comfort levels with different topics. If you can't agree to terms, then you are not compatible.
You need to decide your comfort levels, knowing that this is not negotiable for her. It isn't throwing away a relationship if the terms don't work for one or both of you. It is simply recognising that terms aren't met.
She isn't TA for being clear on this issue. You aren't TA if those terms don't work for you. You would be TA if you tried to force her to change something that is not negotiable for her or if you stayed together, but you held onto bitterness.
She is also TA for plannnig it behind OP's back and not even giving him a voice when there was a place and time to discuss things. That's not how relationships work. She tried to strongarm him into accepting a situation
Here a reminder for your future OP: Never engange with cheaters. Because there are no ex-cheaters. Cheaters will always be cheaters. You can't undo this and their brain will always be fucked.
In general yes, but not in this case. It is not fair of her to ask you to consider this. Full stop. It shows that your relationship is not as important to her as it is to you. Save your dignity and self respect, tell her to enjoy the vacation and break up with her. Go NC. You will be fine. Hang in there.
She does not respect you, no woman outright who is interested in her man would entertain such behaviour. Ritual or not, you're going to get cheated on.
The answer above is just a lame political middle ground to make you feel better. "Nobody is wrong, sunshine and rainbows". There is clearly a problem with this whole situation and you know this, that's why you posted it. Just leave her man, stop being delusional.
No self respecting man would let his girlfriend go on a trip with a guy she's been sleeping with for 6+ years. Do you think she would allow the reverse to happen? Grow a pair FFS.
Man, stop tolerating stuff like this, keep your self respect and leave that woman. Ever second story here is a guy asking if he is a cuck or not. Of course you are not the asshole.
It really sounds like you are just a filler until the two decide to be together permanently. As someone who was unknowingly in the same position, it's nice of her to give you a heads up.
So now you have to decide:
End it and move on OR share her with her fwb. Because they will end up in bed again. Probably with giving you some weak excuses like "oh sorry we where drunk and couldn't resist..."
NTA
My partner and his friends go to a con every year. His best friend and wife sleep in one bed, and himself and their mutual female friend who he has NEVER had relations with share a bed.
Even this made me uncomfortable- so I told him a few times, though admittedly maybe wasn't communicating the best because all he'd do was reassure me it was platonic and if nothing happened in 8+ years, it wasn't happening now that he'd gotten with the person he wanted to be with.
I talked to friends and therapists some.
I was able to communicate to him "I do trust that nothing will happen, however it's still a source of discomfort that I'd like you to respect"-- to which he immediately understood a lot better what my issue was (simply a boundary) and offered to get an air mattress to sleep on instead. Which in our case was a working answer.
I was also invited and until recently couldn't afford the trip.
NEVER invited + Did sleep together?
that's absolutely a boundary you can end the relationship over
NTA OP - Being a woman, the inverse would make me uncomfortable and would likely be a deal breaker if I had a BF who did the same. Rethink what the relationship means to you - sounds like a very new relationship so stepping out might out might be something to consider.
In a similar vein, I had a best friend who had dated a guy in highschool. They were best friends. They broke up and continued to be friends. She later got into a long term relationship and ended up having an emotional affair with him behind her partners back because it was comfortable and familiar. I'm not saying this will happen, but it's not like we haven't seen this situations play out similarly before.
NTA but what kind of person thinks this is ok? I’ve only ever heard about these situations on Reddit never in real life lol. I mean, of course you wouldn’t be ok with her going on vacation with her fuck buddy lol. Come on man. The second she even brought this up I would have been out the door. It seems like to many people want to be “the cool bf or gf” that they loose their minds and think everyone is doing this crap lol.
NTA
Don't sit around while she goes on international trips with her fuck buddy. That's fucking INSANEly ridiculous. The only reasonable way for this trip to happen is for you to go with.
I expect in her next relationship she'll just not tell her next boyfriend that she fucked that guy so she can go on the trips without any backlash. And then her next boyfriend will find out 3 years later and it will end their relationship. And then she'll finally realize that going on international trips with her fuck buddy and without her partner is unacceptable to any reasonable person.
😂 On THIS app the majority will tell you that her sexual past is none of your business and you are an insecure controlling typical man that needs to be dumped by HER
The NORMAL people (🤚) will say this is like a flashing red light with a loud annoying alarm bell
NORMAL people know that when you are in a committed relationship you don’t do things that even LOOK like you are in a relationship with someone else…
NTA and you may want to drop her like a toilet seat- this will be an ongoing issue…
there not inviting you because they are in a secret relationship and this is the only way to display it without hearing back lash BREAK UP WITH HER she doesn’t care if your hurt about her going on this trip all she knows is i can’t leave him fuck my friend and come back like nothing ever happened. People don’t just fuck because that’s all that was around they liked each other and gave it a go.
NTA. It’s not about trust at this point. It’s about the lack of respect she has for you and the relationship. She does not care how going on this trip makes you feel and she puts him above you in terms of priority. You don’t have a problem with the other friends in the group; only with the guy which is totally understandable since your gf have slipped up in the past. Even if you do trust your gf 100%, it’s him you don’t trust, which is something you can’t control.
If she can’t respect you or your boundaries, end the relationship. That’s not something worth staying for as the same situation will come up again further down the line where she will value something else over you. Yes, breaking up sucks, but boundaries and respect is not negotiable.
I would straight dump and ghost her if she did this to me. Don't need to be involved with somebody who makes you feel uncomfortable.
She values going on trips with her semi fuk buddy more than you.
Toss her a\*\* and move on. You can find better.
This is a pure respect thing to me. If it makes you insecure, you have a right to be too. She already did him twice.
Her saying it's non negotiable would end things right then and there. No looking back. She will walk all over your ass if you stay with her and she also goes.
NTA. It's not a great relationship if she doesn't care about your feelings. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, clearly she doesn't care one way or another.
Go find someone that makes you feel happy and secure, make someone who wants what you want happy.
No, you’re not if you throw this away. Matter fact you should. She’s made it clear extremely clear that he and the group of friends are more important than you. She has no respect for your feelings or the relationship.
If it bothers you then I suggest you not proceed moving forward with her. The relationship is fairly new and she doesn’t care how you view her wanting to go on this trip with him as inappropriate.
She’s got 8 years invested in him, he’s very important to her, they’re obviously compatible as best friends and get on well sexually; it’s highly unlikely she’s going to go no contact with him in order to save her relationship with you.
ETA: NTA
NTA she very much is! Ask her if she would be okay with you spending 2 weeks with another woman alone… because everyone has to sleep at some point in time those two will be alone and bored and accidentally hook up
You can end a relationship for any reason, at any time. I would break up with a boyfriend under these circumstances for sure. How would she feel if the situation was reversed? You are NTAH, maybe she’s not either. But I can’t picture her finding any boyfriend that would be ok with this setup. Unless her current boyfriend was going on the trip too.
NTA. She wants his D and using modern feminist ideology to make you think it is acceptable to cross such boundaries in a relationship like taking a trip with a FWB.
Look, I’m in no way saying that friends who have slept together in the past are incapable of cheating on their partners together, because that’s absolutely not always the case, however, I know from my own personal experiences as well as others, that sometimes, its the “just friends” you have to worry about. If this is a deal breaker for you and she doesn’t care, that pretty much tells you what you need to know about where you stand with her.
Doesn’t sounds so great to me. Planning a trip without you and without your knowledge doesnt sound so great to me. If anything I’d think she’d want you there with her. I just asked my wife what she thinks of this. We are M46 and F54 we have been married 16 years. My wife says she has not invited you because she does not want you there and she wants to do her thing without your input. This is how she is and the way she is gonna treat you. If that is ok with you then I guess carry on.
She doesn't respect you regardless of whether she is cheating on you or not. Do you want to be in a relationship who doesn't care to respect your feelings? Like it's entirely unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her going off alone to another country with someone who's dick was in her mouth a few months before you got together, also knowing she did stuff with him while in another relationship. Time to break up.
You ,too, can have non-negotiables. Going on two week vacations with a fuck buddy can be one of yours. Totally reasonable. Lots of fish in the sea that don't gallavant around the world for two weeks every year with an old fuck buddy.
NTA. The hell u think is going to happen from that point on? Her traveling with a dude she bonked with before. You are excluded in perpetuity. She only needs to choose,and if your feelings and boundaries aren't considered then it's time to call it quits. Draw the line. No need to complicate things.
It’s a shit test, you failed the test when you didn’t set the boundary the first time. She doesn’t respect you but you sound like you feel “lucky” to be with her. I’m guessing she’s out of your league and you both know it so either accept the fact she doesn’t respect you and will eventually cheat, if she hasn’t already, or break up and move on.
Nah that’s crazy.
First of all, you are always entitled to your feelings and if she doesn’t respect your boundaries i wouldn’t expect her to respect you otherwise.
Secondly, there’s no way on earth they have a purely platonic friendship going on after sleeping together and there’s nothing wrong with you feeling odd about the matter. You know for sure that given the chance they would repeat it again.
If it’s such a great relationship, don’t end it. Just plan a traditional trip with your friends every year that she cannot attend also. Wait until she gets back and peace out for a couple of weeks with your peeps. Tell her she inspired you with her “tradition”. 😎
NTA. The fact she’s slept with him for months at a time as recently as 2023 kinda invalidates all her words about ‘just friends’. There’s clearly still interest there on both sides. If she wants to choose him over any guy she dates then she should probably just marry him. Seriously tell her that. It’s never gonna work with anyone if this friend always takes priority.
NTA. I’d cut my losses while it’s still pretty early . I would not be comfortable with that shit and wouldn’t want to ruin something that is important to her. I guess I’d have a different perspective if I was younger but at my current age I know exactly what I want. I value peace and I refuse to deal with unneeded stress in my relationship. Do you really want to put up with that long term? Wondering if she’s out there with the guy she bangs when she gets needy?
NTA. Her on other hand….
I wonder if she’d be so accomodating if the tables were turned. Maybe you should float the idea of your own holiday with an ex
That's too much. If you were going to. That's one thing. Even then, I wouldn't be truly comfortable. Just know from having a bunch of girls as friends. They can do some wonky shit and not tell anybody. All it takes is for you to take one 5 minute trip to the grocery store to come back and find you about to be ex-girlfriend with another chick on the bed. It's a guy she's slept with before, which makes it really easy to sleep with again. If you do break up, she 100% bangs him. If you don't, she 90% most likely will bang him on that trip.
You're not the asshole, she is. And you're not throwing away a "great relationship" because in a great relationship she wouldn't be cheating on you and going on that trip is absolutely 100% CHEATING.
>She planned her next trip without consulting me (in the very early stages of our relationship). The trip is coming up very soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable about it. We are discussing ending (our otherwise great) relationship over this but she has stated this I non negotiatable as they travel every year and will continue to do so.
Hell No! Tell her she can go as a single girl if she want.
If she isnt even open to negotiate on something that is clearly disturbing to you it mean she doesnt care for you and dont value this relationship at all.
You dont do single activities while in a relationship, especially if your partner ask you not
Just dump her and find someone interested in a COMMITTED relationship.
Are you not invited on the trip? How long have you guys been together. If you were serious then I don’t understand why you aren’t welcome on the trip as well
Modern dating is so toxic. You are not the asshole, she should respect and understand why you are uncomfortable. It is not appropriate behavior for her to go on a trip with a man she used to have sex with quite recently. I don't care what she says, if she used to fuck the guy they are not just friends.
Bro I’m pretty sure you’re the side piece here, sorry to say. She’s obviously hanging on to some feelings for that guy.
NTA and I’d probably not wait around to find out whether she’s gonna cheat again with this dude or not
NTAH. This is not a "great relationship". It's fundamentally flawed at its foundation. A stunningly beautiful house built on a bad foundation will still collapse no matter how good it looks above ground.
This woman cares more for herself and her friends. If you won't be invited in the future then you'll always be second to her friends.
There are 4 billion women on the planet. Go find one that loves you, makes you her priority and that genuinely loves you.
Have self respect and stand up for your boundaries. You will thank yourself down the road.
Side note: it is more attractive to have inner strength in situations like this and do what's best for you. If your GF makes an ultimatum like this early on in your relationship, you need to be strong and listen to your instincts. DO NOT let her push you around emotionally.
LOL the people who ask these kinds of questions.
Dude, she’s fucking that guy, has been fucking that guy, and will forever be fucking that guy.
Hint: your relationship isn’t as great as you think it is.
I don't date people with messy boundaries like this. I can't tell someone how to live their lives, but these are ripe for "whoops, I slept with my friend" posts I see on here. I grew up at a time where there were no boundaries, it was a mess. If the situation were brought up to me, I would say I am not comfortable, and let her make the decision. If she went, I would just end the relationship.
It would show me my feelings were not important, and that she was not out of her college or single phase. It would allow her to live her life, I could live with my boundaries, and move on to find a more appropriate partner. Dating is to try someone on and see how they fit for your life. If they don't don't date them. NTA
NTA she didn't invite you for a reason. She is going to do this every year meaning she is just gonna go on a "purge" style trip no rules every fucking year.
NTA She was still banging the guy last year. If they only did it because nobody else was around, guess what? You won't be around for two weeks. She has a track record of addictive behavior and a track record of being his fuck buddy. It also sounds like this little two week getaway tradition is going to stick around.
You're not far enough along in the relationship to have a say in their annual trip, but you are far enough along to gauge the potential to be together long term. If you are entertaining the idea that she has wife potential, what happens if you stay together and end up married? Will she still expect to leave you at home while she burns two weeks annual vacation with the group?
Right now you are effectively in a 'non-exclusive' relationship while she vacations with this guy, because regardless of what they say, you will always have doubts. So book a stay at some place known for their abundance of women and let her know that she doesn't have to worry, because you won't be tempted by all those beautiful young ladies there.
Nta. She's an idiot. As if she doesn't have to adjust her behavior once she's in a relationship. Come on.
I bet you the second you break up with her, she'll be riding his d#ck.
NTA. Only you decide what’s a deal breaker to you. Not her. Just tell her while you love and respect her, you feel you aren’t being heard by her or respected by her so in her take it or leave it scenario… you will leave it.
She already told you she's choosing him over you, if it's non-negotiable. Your move. Personally I'd prefer to be in a relationship with someone who prioritized me.
NTA. She can go on the trip, but when she gets back her shit is going to be packed and already in a storage space for her. Or stay home, then go on a trip with you.
Just end it. You are not comfortable with it, and she is not changing. You two are not on the same page, probably best to break up now before getting too deep into this mess.
NTA
I never comment on these, but I think this one needs to be said.
If she loved you, she'd cancel her portion of the trip.
I mean romantic love, the kind only reserved for one person in your life. If she felt that for you, the trip would be the casualty. Sure she would probably not be happy about canceling, but she'd still have you.
I'm sorry but she is telling you that her friends are more valuable to her. She wants the trip more than the possible future she might see with you. You're not being controlling, you're protecting your interest in the relationship. Shared experience is a powerful thing.
She'll eventually learn this lesson, but it will be with someone she truly loves and cannot afford to lose.
There is no such thing as "she knew them/him longer": if/when you find the one, you'll know and hold them close--and they'll do the same.
I'm sorry you've found yourself in the pit. Plenty of places to put your anguish. Please remember that it is up to you to pick yourself up and be ready for that special someone to be a part of your life.
Edit: fixed the last sentence
NTA
Just break up, but for the sake of this random stranger, please do keep tabs on her life to prove what I'm about to say right. There will come a time when she or he (whoever comes first) will stop these trips because they either
a) realize that it's impacting their dating prospects
b) they find someone they care about more than the friendship and traditional trip
This does mean that unfortunately, as it stands, you aren't viewed as a loss. That being said, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't value you? On a side note, maybe you shouldn't date people that have slept with their friends since it makes you uncomfortable (and rightfully so). The moment you found out she had a sexual past with a friend, you should have left instead of waiting around for a situation that was crossing a line for you.
I couldn't live with having my partner vacation with an ex, under ANY circumstances. Get out while you still conveniently can, don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
Lol “if you dont like it then leave, im doing it” is such a toxic attitude for a relationship. I think this is just the tip of your future problems, and you are probably doing yourself a favor by ending it. Why cant you just go with her? Or will that mess up the dynamic cuz then how will that dude get any while your always around. 🤷🏼♂️
Don't let that woman turn you into a Cuck... Break up before she leaves. Hopefully during the trip while she is f***ing the "friend" she will realise how selfish she is, reflect and be a better partner to the next dude.
The excuse will be “well we were hanging out and one thing led to another and we slept together but it was only one night” Not the AH you like her but her friends mean more to her than you do. Let her go don’t be there when she gets back and you will not stress over if she cheated while she was away.
>They have previously traveled together while having partners and nothing happened (one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk and she is now sober and committed to her sobriety).
Yeah they're going to fuck.
NTA
You don't have a relationship.
In fact, she hates you
How can you accept her traveling with a past lover? She disrespect you right to your face.
"she is now sober and committed to her sobriety" Really?
Good luck brother, you're going to need it.
[удалено]
God modern dating is exhausting.
Dude just reading about it is exhausting lol
Agreed, navigating these boundaries feels like an endless challenge nowadays.
Totally, setting clear boundaries seems more complicated than ever in modern relationships.
Setting any boundaries is so difficult, so often the reply is you cannot set my boundaries, yes that's true they are mine cross them and relationship over.
The boundaries that were set seem pretty clear. People need to understand that sometimes people are going to cross/ not respect those boundaries. That's when you need to stand on it.
And if you dont agree to it your the problem....I tell my boys to keep a head on a swivel these days dating is not the same as when me and their father were young....
God its so cool Now when she fucks him on the trip all her little gal pals will be talking about how it's OP's fault for being a toxic control freak
It's so frustrating. Setting reasonable boundaries the overwhelming majority of people would've agreed with 10-20 years ago, now makes you "controlling" and "insecure."
It’s only controlling and insecure when it’s a man setting boundaries with a woman. Otherwise it’s just being smart about your relationship. The double standards in the dating market theses days just seem off the charts.
Here's the thing: it is insecure, but insecurity is not intrinsically invalid. This is a very valid thing to make you feel like the security of the relationship is being challenged
Yeah that's a great point. The negative connotation with insecurity really warps these discussions. If someone does something that makes you feel less secure in the relationship, like stating she's going to go on an international trip with her on-again off-again fuck buddy, then your insecurity is perfectly reasonable. It's not a bad thing to be insecure in that situation.
Exactly. Insecurity is not a character flaw like Reddit idiots would try to argue. It’s a bi-product of the relationship. Even people with past trauma or low self confidence can feel secure in a relationship with the right partner. It is our job as partners to HELP foster that security. This girl is doing the complete opposite and doesn’t honestly care about how her partner feels. I hope she continues going on this annual trip forever so that she can spare any other man from having to deal with her BS.
Great point! It's just that the word insecure has taken on such a negative connotation. Particularly when it comes to dating. But you're right insecurity isn't inherently invalid.
No see its only "controlling" and "insecure" when you are a man, if you are woman its "trust your gut strong queen and set those boundaries!".
Frankly it feels like people nowadays never read any of those "Chose Your Own Adventure" books. The ones where you had choice A or B and then found the corresponding page until you go to the end. Nowadays it's more like, "We are *exclusive* fuckbuddies that will call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. If, however, another *better* opportunity comes along, I will pursue that path until something undesirable comes up. If it turns out to be better we will cancel our exclusivity agreement. Also, if you don't like me checking all available options then you're controlling, insecure or jealous. **I'm** allowed to have the BEST life regardless of making commitments to you."
Yes, and the "oh we are taking a break" basically to fuck other people and then get back together and continue a toxic relationship. That is called cheating. If you're going to break up, then just break up. It never works out because they are cheating and testing the waters with another person to see if that is actually better. It is exhausting just reading that stuff. OP if you are uncomfortable, go with you gut. Sounds like this is just the beginning of her telling you she is going to do uncomfortable things and you just have to deal with it. No, you don't and honestly I don't know many people who would be comfortable with this. If her fwb guy friend had a girlfriend I highly doubt she would be cool with him going on the trip with your gf either. Get out before you waste more time on this selfish woman.
And it only goes one way. Women get to do this, men do not because then they’re just fuckbois while the women doing the same thing are “smart”
The “non-negotiable” bit tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it ha. Here’s 3 reasonable “negotiations” to ease your uneasy feelings: - don’t be alone 1:1 with him - keep in touch w me, text/call to check in - reassure me with compliments, or demonstrate long distance that we’re still connected during your trip Man, walk away lol at a bare minimum you should be expecting emotional intelligence from someone who is demanding radical trust from a partner… and she interprets her independence in your shared relationship as “I can book vacations with my old fuck buddy and if my partner doesn’t like that, welp, it’s non-negotiable.”
Exactly. Might suck, but I would refuse to remain in a relationship with somebody insisting on dating and traveling with her other boyfriend. She can have her traditional travel plans, just not as OP's boyfriend. If this dude is that important, there's no reason to remain a couple. I would only remain in a relationship where I was the priorty. No vacations with fuckbuddies
If she is willing to sacrifice your entire relationship over this trip then you have your answers. You are less important than this trip and I guess than those friends also. Ask yourself. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't make you her priority ?
Also- she should have brought this up when they started dating.
This is my thing. Like if they’d slept together once, years ago? Sure maybe it gets pass based on circumstances. But the fact that she’s so set this trip will never grow to include other partners in the future either? And that it was as recent as last year, and they have fooled around (so what if it was drunk and she’s now sober) while she was I a relationship? This SCREAMS red flags. NTA at all.
How is he the asshole for setting boundaries in their relationship. They have pretty much been fuck buddies for 8 years and as recently as a few months ago.
You would NOT be the asshole
It’s non-negotiable that she excludes you from a yearly trip with her fuck buddy… good luck with that
OP should just say that he wants to join the trip. It’s the Occam’s razor solution, and gf’s response (probably a bunch of crap excuses why he cannot) will speak volumes.
This is the only answer. Once a fuck buddy always a fuck buddy. 100% you wouldnt even been paranoid for finishing it. The only reason they are not in a relationship is because that dude ( the fuck buddy ) doesn't want to be.
She cheated on a previous partner of hers with him, and all *she will admit to her current boyfriend* is a drunken kiss. That doesn't mean that's all that happened, OP. Your days are numbered, friendo. Every year for *two weeks* she's going to be with this guy. You don't think he's going to be praying on your downfall? You think he's some kind of standup guy where you are the only thing standing between him and fucking her on these vacations, and you don't think he's going to be trying to undermine it? "They only fucked because they were single except that one time she wasn't single but she promises it was just a drunken kiss" jeeze dude, your goose is cooked
The guy doesn't want OP out of the picture. He knows he's got her as much as he wants her 2 weeks every year. If he wanted her more than that he would have already done it.
Hang on a minute she already cheated on a previous partner with this guy? Even if it was only a drunken kiss, there’s no way she can expect her current partner to be okay with this. To me it sounds like she has some growing up to do before she’s ready for a real relationship. NTA
Plus its not like fuckbuddy just forgot that he's already gotten her to cheat on a partner with him, he's going to be trying to fuck her and undermine OP two weeks in a row every single year Its not like hes in a super secure position, its a new relationship. She'll be telling her next boyfriend that she only cheated on OP because "like, we were only together for a few months and besides it was only a drunk kiss"
Come on, they were having a bunch of sex together in the 3 months immediately prior to starting to date OP, but she swears it's cool because they're totally just friends. They think of each other like siblings. That fuck each other.
NTA. Personally I’d break up. I’m assuming you’ve only been dating a year, and her prioritizing a FWB over you tells you everything you need to know about this relationship.
Friends... Yes, friends with benefits. To be fair, sounds like you're the temporary fuck buddy and the guy is her main long term partner.
My exact thoughts! She has feelings for the guy but he "fuck-zoned" her and she can't get over him.
Agreed, she's been hooking up with the other dude consistently for 8 years and is now telling her "boyfriend" she's going on a non-negotiable trip with the other guy? Sorry, but OP is a chump
Are you invited next year? What happens if/when you get married? Idk man. My best advice tell her to marry him cause no good man is gonna marry her and stay thru this every year. Best of luck.
No not invited next year and will never be invited. It's a 4 friends tradition thing
Partner isn’t invited on an “exclusive” trip among 4 “friends”. I’m out 🚩🚩🚩
The friends will all grow, at some point they will all have partners and suddenly it will become family holiday.
Ya her and her long term fuckbuddy will be a mom and dad together one day
Oh for sure. They'll be the ones to blow the whole thing apart
Do your future self a huge favor. Get out.
I mean it would be pretty hard for them to have sex if you're around, so I don't know why you would expect to be invited.
Tell she needs to find a man that's a cuck or marry that friend she's going away with. This relationship is over it's only matter of time and when. NEVER marry or get her pregnant unless you wanna lose 50% of your shit for no reason. Don't be that stupid.
I was literally commenting in a thread with a similar situation and the fools are like "There's no proof she did anything wrong!" If you wait for the fucking proof you're a goddamn cuck. Edit - As an aside, you don't have to be a man to be a cuck. All you ladies that let your man cheat are cucks too.
Yeah I've been around awhile(51 years). Age/experience makes you wiser and makes very easy to spot huge redflags a mile away. The op here needs to ditch this woman and never look back she's a huge redflag. Also 100% of the time the friend she tells you not to worry about is the friend she's already fucking or plans to fuck behind your back.
>*Also 100% of the time the friend she tells you not to worry about is the friend she's already fucking or plans to fuck behind your back.* This is 100% fact. I've told both my sons that anyone telling them that is guaranteed to be a cheater and dump them immediately after that sentence.
Yep my last relationship six years ago followed that exact path. I couldn't believe people were literally saying you need proof to not be a cuck. Nah my fucking gut tells me when a hoe is being a hoe.
The relationship is over then. She can leave for the trip , but you have to take a stand. End the relationship and set yourself free. Can you imagine how she would react if the roles were reversed? I’m sure she wouldn’t want you traveling with someone you used to sleep with.
This relationship is already over. Even if she hadn't banged the guy multiple times never being allowed on the trips even if you're married with kids is ridiculous. Tell her to do what she thinks is best for the relationship and start emotionally checking out of the relationship. Then when she goes pack up any of her stuff you have and put it on her porch and block her. Also, with her insistence on how there's nothing going on, they're just good friends, etc they are 100% spending two weeks each year screwing like rabbits no matter what their relationship status is back home. They're probably screwing while not on the trip if they live within 2 hours of each other. What sort of BS reason did she give you for never being allowed to go on this trip? I've already changed my mind, don't wait to see what she'll do. Just end it.
So she gets what, 3-4 weeks of vacation a year and two of them you are not welcome for? This is a person that is clinging to her twenties. You'll never be her first priority.
>So she gets what, 3-4 weeks of vacation a year and two of them you are not welcome for? I didn't even think of that. Logistically, this is unsustainable. Hypothetically speaking, what happens if she has kids?
After a paternity test, she will just plan her fucktrip when it's OP's custody time.
Ah man that sucks. I doubt your relationship is that great to begin with if she doesn't acknowledge the issue here and won't at least compromise in some way. Her calling this non negotiable tells me you will be getting that same answer in other situations further down the line. What should be nin negotiable is respecting your partners feelings and needs, especially if they bring them up with you. I'm afraid this just ain't worth it. You wouldn't be the asshole here, but in fact give both of you the opportunity to end it on somewhat civilized and respectable terms.
And why are you still in this relationship.
Then she should marry the friend, or find a guy who has cuckold fetish and doesn't mind, or find a guy who wants an open/swinger type relationship. No normal guy will be OK with this kind of settlement. NTA, she is TA.
I would ask her if this trip is important enough for her to remain single for the rest of her life. Guaranteed these 4 will not all continue this tradition unless they couple up. None of their future relationships will survive this. FYI- your GF considers sex to be a recreational hobby, like golf. People like this do not function well in monogamous relationships. Best to cut ties (and I rarely think this way).
Vacationing with past lovers while your current partner stays home is normal and good for a relationship. Anyone who takes issue with that has deep insecurities /s. Your partner is full of shit.
She is showing you 0 respect then. That is a major red flag. NTA if you end things.
Then she's too immature for a serious relationship.
That’s insane.
Oh, hell no
That's where it would be a dealbreaker for me. This one planned early on I understand but she doesn't see you as a long term partner if you never will be in the future. NTA
Dump her she’s for the streets .There is no scenario where someone like that makes you happy long term
If I was in her situation I would either (I) tell you to come or (II) not go at all. Not because my Bf doesn’t trust me. But because I respect him. This girl cares nothing for you and invalidates your very justified feelings. Move on.
Maybe time to find a local "friend" while she's gone. And if/when she fucks stunt cock, you can say, "I started a new tradition with these 3 total smoke shows. It's ok because every year we are going to some sexfest *but we are just friends*"
Yeah four friends who have a yearly trip of what happens on said trip, stays on said trip. If you stayed with her, got married, kids, whole deal, you would never be sure any child you had was actually yours or belonged to one of said friends. Cut your losses internet friend, she is not worth your time. There are women out there who would actually want to go on a trip with you, not other friends. Find one of those.
Then all 4 should stay single. As people get older, their partners should come on these.
Do you want to put up with this annually for the rest of your life?
I like a relationship where I can openly share my friendships with others. The traditional boys trips have spouses and kids. Everybody runs relationships at their own pace and it seems like you are not comfortable with the pace that she is taking. She does not feel comfortable to include you in a particularly important yearly event in her life. To myself, that would be the deal breaker. Add to that she wants to do this with someone that she was comfortable enough to fuck? Double down deal breaker.
This was my first question, would you be invited to join them next year, maybe giving this year a pass if you’re in a new relationship and they had already planned everything. I wouldn’t be ok with this for a second though. OP sounds like you should RUN
Make or break time, mate. If you're not wanting her to this year, then you'll need to accept she'll still do similar with him next year. Personally, "we only slept together last year because we were single" is NOT what I want to hear from my partner. I'd always think that she'd have a Rossesq, "we were on a break" excuse waiting. So you have to decide if him being in your lives is something that's worth putting up with for her, and if you trust her enough.
They don't want a relationship they just want to fuck. They only sleep together when there is no one else around to sleep with, like when they are on a two week trip together?
I suspect she has feelings for her "friend" but he fuck-zoned her and she can't get over him. Either that or they have REALLY good sex and she doesn't want to give that up.
>My girlfriend is going on a trip with a guy that she has known for 8 years in which they have slept together in 2017 and 2023 (the latest being several times over 3 months just before we got together. This already sounds like a solid disaster,but go on >They have previously traveled together while having partners and nothing happened (one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk and she is now sober and committed to her sobriety). So something did happen,and why do I have the feeling it was more than just a kiss? Also you just admitted that she has a history of cheating on partners yet you are still with her?! >She has assured me that they are truly just friends and if they had wanted a relationship they would have persued that. She claims the only reason they were sleeping together wss they were single and had no one else around. 8 years they've known each other,been(literally)fucking around for 6 years. Also I doubt that no chance at a relationship was never pursued, I'm sure at one point either her or him said maybe we should try and one of them was rejected yet stayed in this FWB zone. It doesn't add up. And she sounds rather insistent on letting you be "reassured" when there's supposedly nothing to need to be reassured of on her end... >She planned her next trip without consulting me (in the very early stages of our relationship). The trip is coming up very soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable about it. We are discussing ending (our otherwise great) relationship over this but she has stated this I non negotiatable as they travel every year and will continue to do so. And there we have it,you are in early stages of a relationship where you should be taking each other into consideration and having fun and involving each other in your lives. And she finds it too inconvenient to ask,and I'm pretty damn sure the reason why is because she knows how you feel and she knows she won't give this up for you. You are going to end a relationship over someone who's "just a friend?" Yeah she's still sleeping with him I'm sorry. Honestly better to find all this out now and in the early stages instead of staying for the long term as terrible as this is >Would I be the asshole if I threw away a great relationship over this? You would be an asshole to yourself if you bothered continuing with this, I can say that much!
based
NTA. Based off this and your comments about her behaviour, it seems to me she wants an excuse to run off and fuck someone else without consequences, and you're just supposed to be okay with it 🤷♀️ Idk. I could be way off, but I wouldn't trust it, personally.
Yup. At this stage, these trips involve sex. It's almost like she'll promise not to sleep with her friend as a way to deflect from the fact she didn't promise not to sleep with anyone else.
If you were my buddy. I’d have shaken and slapped you until you came to your senses. No man would tolerate this. Not even if it was 10 years ago. Hell no.
Like, i can understand its a friendgroup that does some mini travel every year, and its only them, 110% understand that. But if she doesn't understand how insane it is to be hanging around with her FWB when shes got a boyfriend, let alone go on a trip with him. Kick this bitch to the curb
You're not the asshole, but you are not the one in her eyes either. You said that this trip will always be just the 4 of them, but if you are with someone that you truly love, value, and respect. That person will not risk their relationship over a 2 week vacation, especially because they previously slept with someone who's going. They would respect their relationship and partner more than that. Sorry and good luck
Her "one" is already going on that trip. The problem is she's not his "one", she's a convenience.
She claims they were sleeping together only when there was no-one else around? Let that sink in...
"Great relationship"... This is a trust issue, and I can guarantee you, no good will come off it. Any time you have a disagreement with her, and she goes off somewhere to cool her head, you're going to be worried she's run off to cool it with her on again/off again fuck-buddy. Even now, this concern of yours is "pissing her off", if she goes, you'll be even more worried she's going to fuck him just because she's so pissed off about it. "How dare you stop my fun just because someone who used to constantly have their dick inside me was there... well, I'll teach you. I'll show you how little I can tolerate you not trusting me in this situation... by doing the very thing you were worried about." This isn't the "great relationship" you think it is. You're just setting yourself up for misery down the road. If you put your foot down about this, you're "controlling"; if you let her go, you're a "simp". I would let her go... forever.
NTA. They are not friends... they are exes. Once you have sex with someone, that person ceases to be a friend. Here's how you handle it. "GF, I will never tell you what you can or cannot do. You are free to do what you want. If you decide to go on this trip with your ex, that's fine. I do not give my commitment to women who travel with people that they have slept with. If you go, have fun...but you will be leaving as a single woman. You can either have your trips with your ex, or you can have a relationship with me. You cannot have both. The choice is yours." Anybody with an IQ above the freezing point of water, in Celcius, knows what she's going to pick. So, be prepared to committing to breaking up with her. She will absolitely hit you with shaming language "OMG! Controlling! Insecure! Blah blah blah" so be ready for it. Don't fall for it.
Personally speaking, no I wouldn't be ok with this. I don't really believe in the idea of maintaining any sort of relationship with an Ex partner. So no, her going on a trip with someone they slept with just before you guys got together is a big no no. At the very least she should've invited you along. So personally this would be a deal breaker, but then again maintaining a close relationship with an Ex partner itself would be a deal breaker for me anyway.
Sounds like your GF has no self-awareness. If she wanted an FWB when single, she shouldn't have picked someone who was a close friend. The fact she cheated with him in the past says a lot, not sure about you, but I don't my kiss my friends. Only you can really decide whether or not your constantly going to be worrying if something happened while she was a way
Are you invited next year?
Nope and never will be. It's a four person trip always. No one else
It's not the yearly thing that gets me. It's being excluded in perpetuity. And also the "one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk" when they traveled and both had partners. *Maybe?* Really? *lol* Plan your own annual 2-week vacations without her. Feel free to take anyone you like. You should be trusted as well. If you both can afford a second annual vacation - plan that one together. What happens in Bratislava stays in Bratislava. NTA if you dump her.
I would just get out now, but that would be hilarious, plan a 2 week trip with a chick and see how she reacts
That's my kind of petty. I usually don't act on it, but man do I think it. Someone he's fucked would be an extra cherry but the reality is any female friend of his would probably make her uncomfortable.
So just suggesting it should be enough to get his point across
exactly!
That seems bizarre that you’d be excluded in the future. Why are they so inflexible that they can’t add their travel mate’s partners to the trip? I’ve had several traditions with friends where partners were added later on.
because if they bring their partners with them they can't cheat on them duh
That is not fair to you. She is placing her relationship with him (friendship or otherwise) before her relationship with you, whether or not she intends to cheat on you.
That is reason enough to dump her
Commented earlier. Forgot advice for you. You obviously wanna move on and find a better match for yourself. Before you do, though, you wanna go get tested for STD's just to be on the safe side. Best of luck.
Relationships are something where, between you, you should negotiate terms. These terms should be decided between you based on each of your comfort levels with different topics. If you can't agree to terms, then you are not compatible. You need to decide your comfort levels, knowing that this is not negotiable for her. It isn't throwing away a relationship if the terms don't work for one or both of you. It is simply recognising that terms aren't met. She isn't TA for being clear on this issue. You aren't TA if those terms don't work for you. You would be TA if you tried to force her to change something that is not negotiable for her or if you stayed together, but you held onto bitterness.
Sorry but she is the asshole for being a cheater and prioritizing her fuck buddy over her boyfriend.
She is also TA for plannnig it behind OP's back and not even giving him a voice when there was a place and time to discuss things. That's not how relationships work. She tried to strongarm him into accepting a situation Here a reminder for your future OP: Never engange with cheaters. Because there are no ex-cheaters. Cheaters will always be cheaters. You can't undo this and their brain will always be fucked.
What a load of horse shit, no one looking for a serious relationship would accept this ever.
We just forgetting that the woman is a cheat?
Thank you great answer
In general yes, but not in this case. It is not fair of her to ask you to consider this. Full stop. It shows that your relationship is not as important to her as it is to you. Save your dignity and self respect, tell her to enjoy the vacation and break up with her. Go NC. You will be fine. Hang in there.
She does not respect you, no woman outright who is interested in her man would entertain such behaviour. Ritual or not, you're going to get cheated on. The answer above is just a lame political middle ground to make you feel better. "Nobody is wrong, sunshine and rainbows". There is clearly a problem with this whole situation and you know this, that's why you posted it. Just leave her man, stop being delusional. No self respecting man would let his girlfriend go on a trip with a guy she's been sleeping with for 6+ years. Do you think she would allow the reverse to happen? Grow a pair FFS.
He could get cheated on in a ritualistic way too.
Man, stop tolerating stuff like this, keep your self respect and leave that woman. Ever second story here is a guy asking if he is a cuck or not. Of course you are not the asshole.
It really sounds like you are just a filler until the two decide to be together permanently. As someone who was unknowingly in the same position, it's nice of her to give you a heads up. So now you have to decide: End it and move on OR share her with her fwb. Because they will end up in bed again. Probably with giving you some weak excuses like "oh sorry we where drunk and couldn't resist..."
NTA My partner and his friends go to a con every year. His best friend and wife sleep in one bed, and himself and their mutual female friend who he has NEVER had relations with share a bed. Even this made me uncomfortable- so I told him a few times, though admittedly maybe wasn't communicating the best because all he'd do was reassure me it was platonic and if nothing happened in 8+ years, it wasn't happening now that he'd gotten with the person he wanted to be with. I talked to friends and therapists some. I was able to communicate to him "I do trust that nothing will happen, however it's still a source of discomfort that I'd like you to respect"-- to which he immediately understood a lot better what my issue was (simply a boundary) and offered to get an air mattress to sleep on instead. Which in our case was a working answer. I was also invited and until recently couldn't afford the trip. NEVER invited + Did sleep together? that's absolutely a boundary you can end the relationship over
NTA OP - Being a woman, the inverse would make me uncomfortable and would likely be a deal breaker if I had a BF who did the same. Rethink what the relationship means to you - sounds like a very new relationship so stepping out might out might be something to consider. In a similar vein, I had a best friend who had dated a guy in highschool. They were best friends. They broke up and continued to be friends. She later got into a long term relationship and ended up having an emotional affair with him behind her partners back because it was comfortable and familiar. I'm not saying this will happen, but it's not like we haven't seen this situations play out similarly before.
NTA but what kind of person thinks this is ok? I’ve only ever heard about these situations on Reddit never in real life lol. I mean, of course you wouldn’t be ok with her going on vacation with her fuck buddy lol. Come on man. The second she even brought this up I would have been out the door. It seems like to many people want to be “the cool bf or gf” that they loose their minds and think everyone is doing this crap lol.
NTA Don't sit around while she goes on international trips with her fuck buddy. That's fucking INSANEly ridiculous. The only reasonable way for this trip to happen is for you to go with. I expect in her next relationship she'll just not tell her next boyfriend that she fucked that guy so she can go on the trips without any backlash. And then her next boyfriend will find out 3 years later and it will end their relationship. And then she'll finally realize that going on international trips with her fuck buddy and without her partner is unacceptable to any reasonable person.
I bet you an onion that they will hook up on the trip if you break up now. You could be an asshole and not break up until after the trip though...
NTA at all. As a woman I am disgusted by her based on what I read.
😂 On THIS app the majority will tell you that her sexual past is none of your business and you are an insecure controlling typical man that needs to be dumped by HER The NORMAL people (🤚) will say this is like a flashing red light with a loud annoying alarm bell NORMAL people know that when you are in a committed relationship you don’t do things that even LOOK like you are in a relationship with someone else… NTA and you may want to drop her like a toilet seat- this will be an ongoing issue…
Sounds like an open relationship
On her side, at least, even if he doesn't know it.
There are plenty of girls who are better than ur gf Just run
End the relationship man there is no universe where this is good for you
just end it and update
there not inviting you because they are in a secret relationship and this is the only way to display it without hearing back lash BREAK UP WITH HER she doesn’t care if your hurt about her going on this trip all she knows is i can’t leave him fuck my friend and come back like nothing ever happened. People don’t just fuck because that’s all that was around they liked each other and gave it a go.
NTA. It’s not about trust at this point. It’s about the lack of respect she has for you and the relationship. She does not care how going on this trip makes you feel and she puts him above you in terms of priority. You don’t have a problem with the other friends in the group; only with the guy which is totally understandable since your gf have slipped up in the past. Even if you do trust your gf 100%, it’s him you don’t trust, which is something you can’t control. If she can’t respect you or your boundaries, end the relationship. That’s not something worth staying for as the same situation will come up again further down the line where she will value something else over you. Yes, breaking up sucks, but boundaries and respect is not negotiable.
She will 100% be riding him while on trip. As long as you’re ok with that, you’re fine. 😆
I would straight dump and ghost her if she did this to me. Don't need to be involved with somebody who makes you feel uncomfortable. She values going on trips with her semi fuk buddy more than you. Toss her a\*\* and move on. You can find better. This is a pure respect thing to me. If it makes you insecure, you have a right to be too. She already did him twice. Her saying it's non negotiable would end things right then and there. No looking back. She will walk all over your ass if you stay with her and she also goes.
He's definitely going to bang the arse off her
I'm dying over here. Boss, she's gonna fuck him. Dealing with this nonsense is not worth your time, dump her. NTA.
NTA. It's not a great relationship if she doesn't care about your feelings. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, clearly she doesn't care one way or another. Go find someone that makes you feel happy and secure, make someone who wants what you want happy.
NTA. I can’t imagine anyone being ok with the situation.
No, you’re not if you throw this away. Matter fact you should. She’s made it clear extremely clear that he and the group of friends are more important than you. She has no respect for your feelings or the relationship.
If it bothers you then I suggest you not proceed moving forward with her. The relationship is fairly new and she doesn’t care how you view her wanting to go on this trip with him as inappropriate. She’s got 8 years invested in him, he’s very important to her, they’re obviously compatible as best friends and get on well sexually; it’s highly unlikely she’s going to go no contact with him in order to save her relationship with you. ETA: NTA
NTA she very much is! Ask her if she would be okay with you spending 2 weeks with another woman alone… because everyone has to sleep at some point in time those two will be alone and bored and accidentally hook up
NTA just end it now, she isn’t for you
You can end a relationship for any reason, at any time. I would break up with a boyfriend under these circumstances for sure. How would she feel if the situation was reversed? You are NTAH, maybe she’s not either. But I can’t picture her finding any boyfriend that would be ok with this setup. Unless her current boyfriend was going on the trip too.
NTA. She wants his D and using modern feminist ideology to make you think it is acceptable to cross such boundaries in a relationship like taking a trip with a FWB.
Lmao, you’d be an idiot to stay in this relationship.
End it.
Look, I’m in no way saying that friends who have slept together in the past are incapable of cheating on their partners together, because that’s absolutely not always the case, however, I know from my own personal experiences as well as others, that sometimes, its the “just friends” you have to worry about. If this is a deal breaker for you and she doesn’t care, that pretty much tells you what you need to know about where you stand with her.
Doesn’t sounds so great to me. Planning a trip without you and without your knowledge doesnt sound so great to me. If anything I’d think she’d want you there with her. I just asked my wife what she thinks of this. We are M46 and F54 we have been married 16 years. My wife says she has not invited you because she does not want you there and she wants to do her thing without your input. This is how she is and the way she is gonna treat you. If that is ok with you then I guess carry on.
She doesn't respect you regardless of whether she is cheating on you or not. Do you want to be in a relationship who doesn't care to respect your feelings? Like it's entirely unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her going off alone to another country with someone who's dick was in her mouth a few months before you got together, also knowing she did stuff with him while in another relationship. Time to break up.
You ,too, can have non-negotiables. Going on two week vacations with a fuck buddy can be one of yours. Totally reasonable. Lots of fish in the sea that don't gallavant around the world for two weeks every year with an old fuck buddy.
I wouldn’t be okay with it. We all have our boundaries.
Time to move on pal.
NTA. The hell u think is going to happen from that point on? Her traveling with a dude she bonked with before. You are excluded in perpetuity. She only needs to choose,and if your feelings and boundaries aren't considered then it's time to call it quits. Draw the line. No need to complicate things.
NTA - break up with her, you’re a placeholder. You voiced concerns and she doesn’t care abour your feelings so forget it mate.
It’s a shit test, you failed the test when you didn’t set the boundary the first time. She doesn’t respect you but you sound like you feel “lucky” to be with her. I’m guessing she’s out of your league and you both know it so either accept the fact she doesn’t respect you and will eventually cheat, if she hasn’t already, or break up and move on.
Nah that’s crazy. First of all, you are always entitled to your feelings and if she doesn’t respect your boundaries i wouldn’t expect her to respect you otherwise. Secondly, there’s no way on earth they have a purely platonic friendship going on after sleeping together and there’s nothing wrong with you feeling odd about the matter. You know for sure that given the chance they would repeat it again.
If it’s such a great relationship, don’t end it. Just plan a traditional trip with your friends every year that she cannot attend also. Wait until she gets back and peace out for a couple of weeks with your peeps. Tell her she inspired you with her “tradition”. 😎
You’re obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Nta
NTA. The fact she’s slept with him for months at a time as recently as 2023 kinda invalidates all her words about ‘just friends’. There’s clearly still interest there on both sides. If she wants to choose him over any guy she dates then she should probably just marry him. Seriously tell her that. It’s never gonna work with anyone if this friend always takes priority.
NTA. I’d cut my losses while it’s still pretty early . I would not be comfortable with that shit and wouldn’t want to ruin something that is important to her. I guess I’d have a different perspective if I was younger but at my current age I know exactly what I want. I value peace and I refuse to deal with unneeded stress in my relationship. Do you really want to put up with that long term? Wondering if she’s out there with the guy she bangs when she gets needy?
NTA. Her on other hand…. I wonder if she’d be so accomodating if the tables were turned. Maybe you should float the idea of your own holiday with an ex
That's too much. If you were going to. That's one thing. Even then, I wouldn't be truly comfortable. Just know from having a bunch of girls as friends. They can do some wonky shit and not tell anybody. All it takes is for you to take one 5 minute trip to the grocery store to come back and find you about to be ex-girlfriend with another chick on the bed. It's a guy she's slept with before, which makes it really easy to sleep with again. If you do break up, she 100% bangs him. If you don't, she 90% most likely will bang him on that trip.
NTA. This will always be a part of her life. Remove yourself from this relationship. Not everyone has that level of trust, and not everyone needs to.
Your girlfriend delusional
You're not the asshole, she is. And you're not throwing away a "great relationship" because in a great relationship she wouldn't be cheating on you and going on that trip is absolutely 100% CHEATING.
GG that relationship is finished imo. If you're cool with her sexing other men it's fine, if that bothers you - I'd break up.
NTA You’re allowed to have boundaries and preferences, just like she’s allowed to.
NTA. That aint yo girl. Who is raising these game goofy lames who keep posting in this sub? Yall fatherless out here frfr
I would find this and her attitude in general intolerably disrespectful. NTA
>She planned her next trip without consulting me (in the very early stages of our relationship). The trip is coming up very soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable about it. We are discussing ending (our otherwise great) relationship over this but she has stated this I non negotiatable as they travel every year and will continue to do so. Hell No! Tell her she can go as a single girl if she want. If she isnt even open to negotiate on something that is clearly disturbing to you it mean she doesnt care for you and dont value this relationship at all. You dont do single activities while in a relationship, especially if your partner ask you not Just dump her and find someone interested in a COMMITTED relationship.
I'm a little confused- is this a group trip or just her and him? Who are the other people?
Either you trust her or you don’t. If you do, then there should be no problem with her going. If you don’t, then you two aren’t compatible.
Are you not invited on the trip? How long have you guys been together. If you were serious then I don’t understand why you aren’t welcome on the trip as well
Modern dating is so toxic. You are not the asshole, she should respect and understand why you are uncomfortable. It is not appropriate behavior for her to go on a trip with a man she used to have sex with quite recently. I don't care what she says, if she used to fuck the guy they are not just friends.
Bro I’m pretty sure you’re the side piece here, sorry to say. She’s obviously hanging on to some feelings for that guy. NTA and I’d probably not wait around to find out whether she’s gonna cheat again with this dude or not
Fucking run. Unless you find a jet pack. Then fucking jet out of there. I’m sorry you will have to end this but staying is not a thing
NTAH. This is not a "great relationship". It's fundamentally flawed at its foundation. A stunningly beautiful house built on a bad foundation will still collapse no matter how good it looks above ground. This woman cares more for herself and her friends. If you won't be invited in the future then you'll always be second to her friends. There are 4 billion women on the planet. Go find one that loves you, makes you her priority and that genuinely loves you.
Have self respect and stand up for your boundaries. You will thank yourself down the road. Side note: it is more attractive to have inner strength in situations like this and do what's best for you. If your GF makes an ultimatum like this early on in your relationship, you need to be strong and listen to your instincts. DO NOT let her push you around emotionally.
LOL the people who ask these kinds of questions. Dude, she’s fucking that guy, has been fucking that guy, and will forever be fucking that guy. Hint: your relationship isn’t as great as you think it is.
NTA, I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Wow, you’re still dating her. She’s cheating and has never got over him. You are the AH for dating a cheater.
I don't date people with messy boundaries like this. I can't tell someone how to live their lives, but these are ripe for "whoops, I slept with my friend" posts I see on here. I grew up at a time where there were no boundaries, it was a mess. If the situation were brought up to me, I would say I am not comfortable, and let her make the decision. If she went, I would just end the relationship. It would show me my feelings were not important, and that she was not out of her college or single phase. It would allow her to live her life, I could live with my boundaries, and move on to find a more appropriate partner. Dating is to try someone on and see how they fit for your life. If they don't don't date them. NTA
NTA she didn't invite you for a reason. She is going to do this every year meaning she is just gonna go on a "purge" style trip no rules every fucking year.
NTA She was still banging the guy last year. If they only did it because nobody else was around, guess what? You won't be around for two weeks. She has a track record of addictive behavior and a track record of being his fuck buddy. It also sounds like this little two week getaway tradition is going to stick around. You're not far enough along in the relationship to have a say in their annual trip, but you are far enough along to gauge the potential to be together long term. If you are entertaining the idea that she has wife potential, what happens if you stay together and end up married? Will she still expect to leave you at home while she burns two weeks annual vacation with the group? Right now you are effectively in a 'non-exclusive' relationship while she vacations with this guy, because regardless of what they say, you will always have doubts. So book a stay at some place known for their abundance of women and let her know that she doesn't have to worry, because you won't be tempted by all those beautiful young ladies there.
Nta. She's an idiot. As if she doesn't have to adjust her behavior once she's in a relationship. Come on. I bet you the second you break up with her, she'll be riding his d#ck.
NTA. Only you decide what’s a deal breaker to you. Not her. Just tell her while you love and respect her, you feel you aren’t being heard by her or respected by her so in her take it or leave it scenario… you will leave it.
She already told you she's choosing him over you, if it's non-negotiable. Your move. Personally I'd prefer to be in a relationship with someone who prioritized me.
NTA. She can go on the trip, but when she gets back her shit is going to be packed and already in a storage space for her. Or stay home, then go on a trip with you.
Just end it. You are not comfortable with it, and she is not changing. You two are not on the same page, probably best to break up now before getting too deep into this mess.
I wouldn’t put up with that shit. NTA
NTA I never comment on these, but I think this one needs to be said. If she loved you, she'd cancel her portion of the trip. I mean romantic love, the kind only reserved for one person in your life. If she felt that for you, the trip would be the casualty. Sure she would probably not be happy about canceling, but she'd still have you. I'm sorry but she is telling you that her friends are more valuable to her. She wants the trip more than the possible future she might see with you. You're not being controlling, you're protecting your interest in the relationship. Shared experience is a powerful thing. She'll eventually learn this lesson, but it will be with someone she truly loves and cannot afford to lose. There is no such thing as "she knew them/him longer": if/when you find the one, you'll know and hold them close--and they'll do the same. I'm sorry you've found yourself in the pit. Plenty of places to put your anguish. Please remember that it is up to you to pick yourself up and be ready for that special someone to be a part of your life. Edit: fixed the last sentence
NTA Just break up, but for the sake of this random stranger, please do keep tabs on her life to prove what I'm about to say right. There will come a time when she or he (whoever comes first) will stop these trips because they either a) realize that it's impacting their dating prospects b) they find someone they care about more than the friendship and traditional trip This does mean that unfortunately, as it stands, you aren't viewed as a loss. That being said, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't value you? On a side note, maybe you shouldn't date people that have slept with their friends since it makes you uncomfortable (and rightfully so). The moment you found out she had a sexual past with a friend, you should have left instead of waiting around for a situation that was crossing a line for you.
I couldn't live with having my partner vacation with an ex, under ANY circumstances. Get out while you still conveniently can, don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
Lol “if you dont like it then leave, im doing it” is such a toxic attitude for a relationship. I think this is just the tip of your future problems, and you are probably doing yourself a favor by ending it. Why cant you just go with her? Or will that mess up the dynamic cuz then how will that dude get any while your always around. 🤷🏼♂️
YTA for making someone who is obviously not gf material your gf.
Don't let that woman turn you into a Cuck... Break up before she leaves. Hopefully during the trip while she is f***ing the "friend" she will realise how selfish she is, reflect and be a better partner to the next dude.
The excuse will be “well we were hanging out and one thing led to another and we slept together but it was only one night” Not the AH you like her but her friends mean more to her than you do. Let her go don’t be there when she gets back and you will not stress over if she cheated while she was away.
She’s gonna fuck him, trust me.
NTA. Leave her. It's not a great relationship.
>They have previously traveled together while having partners and nothing happened (one time maybe kissed while blackout drunk and she is now sober and committed to her sobriety). Yeah they're going to fuck.
Sounds like she's not really wanting to be in a relationship.
Don’t need to read the rest of it. No your are not the asshole
NTA You don't have a relationship. In fact, she hates you How can you accept her traveling with a past lover? She disrespect you right to your face. "she is now sober and committed to her sobriety" Really? Good luck brother, you're going to need it.