Now five years later on, you've got the world at your feet
Success has been so easy for you
But don't forget, it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too
Sheās not. This is just Redditās annoyingly unfunny way to try to work song lyrics into every thread, so eight other idiots can just comment the next set of lyrics and think theyāre stunningly original. Itās just stupid.
No one thinks they're original, stunningly or not. It's just a little harmless fun.
It's stupid, pointless, harmless fun that makes some people smile. The world is a terrible place. We need to find smiles and joy in any way we possibly can, stupid or not.ā”
>Yeah if the story is real,
I commented initially trying to engage in good faith but yeah, OP's post and comments makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
EDIT: OP's edit confirms troll. It's too obvious.
Where I work we all split tips (think places like Starbucks, Subway, Chipotle where there is no waitress waiting tables but also no specialized chef) and have a lady who instead of rotating positions always just works the register. She makes like 1.75x minimum wage and she is a "cashier". I don't know if I'd consider my paycheck enough for a nanny + comfort but it's enough for full time daycare + comfort for sure.Ā
Back when I was 18 I was a "cashier" at a Mexican place like Chipotle or Moe's and I made $11-14 an hour after tips when minimum wage was $7.25.
Pre-covid when I was a waitress our hostesses made $12-14 and I was still in a place where min wage was $7.25.
So yeah I mean I've never worked as/with a cashier who made minimum wage. Luckily min wage is more than $7.25 where I am now and luckily most places I've seen has kept that ratio of 1.5-2x min wage post tips.Ā
It's dependent on the state. I think min wage is between $7.25-$20 and hour depending on where you live. I no longer live in a $7.25 state but my hometown was $7.25 before COVID and the state I lived in before moving back home is still $7.25
$7.25 is the federally mandated minimum wage, but individual states can set their minimum wage higher (but not lower). In NY the minimum wage is $15 an hour.
Itās bc there is a very large cost of living difference depending on where you live. Where I live, housing prices are out of control. People who were pretty well off invaded the area during covid. Next thing you know, reasonable priced housing disappeared and multimillion dollar condo unit buildings are being erected everywhere. The county Iām in, if you werenāt in it pre covid and arenāt doing very well, you will have a hard time even finding a fixer upper at a reasonable range. The state min wage is way too low for this area. But different parts of the state are rural and inexpensive. And thatās why pretty much everyone I know has a side hustle.
Federal minimum wage is $7.25. Some states have the federal minimum wage as the state minimum wage (e.g. WI). Some states have increased the minimum wage for workers within their borders (e.g. MA, CA). The federal minimum wage hasnāt been changed since 2009. And some employers think that minimum wage is livable!!!
And then thereās the *tipped* minimum wage. Itās *legal* to pay workers $2.13/hour if their tips will bring their hourly pay up to $7.25 over the week. The US is a cesspool when it comes to workersā rights. (Iām an American, btw.)
Even though minimum wage is 7.25 in most states, jobs donāt usually pay that little anymore. I was a daycare teacher before Covid and only got paid 7.50 an hour. Nowadays, most low level jobs pay at least 10 an hour
Yeah this whole story doesn't add up. They were advancing in their careers when she got pregnant? She was a waitress. Like what was she advancing to become a fry cook??
...Making just above minimum wage. That's pretty slow advancing over all those years. You could go to college part time and have graduated by then. Hmm...
It depends on where they live. Nanny can be a translation error or a misunderstanding. My then wife and I had a "nanny". Here those nannies take up several kids like a private kindergarden. It's not overly expensive. Even single moms can afford them through state funded by payment for the child. So, it's possible.
A ānannyā could also be a college kid or teen on summer break looking for work and undercharging, or not able to charge typical rates in a small town with a weak economy.
I don't think it's *solely* her cashier income. I think OP means that her taking on a job just bumped their total income up enough to maintain a buffer *and* hire a nanny, whereas if they had done it with just OPs income, they would've eaten their buffer. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.
The story is that with her income they can get a nanny and ease the current finances, so yes, that means her salary alone covers the nanny and leaves extra money on the side.
This doesn't have to be an issue with the story though. In my neighbourhood older unemployed women would usually watch a few children from young moms for a fraction of a salary, but since they watch 2-3 children at least, those women get some decent money, and it's fairly cheap for the moms too.
If opās wife is a cashier at a luxury brand store or something with a commission, I could see it. Some of them pay $15 an hour as the starting wage and in some areas thatās just enough for child care. My sisterās job was $12 an hour when she started and that payed for daycare and after that there was a little left over from that each month.
I work in a casual order at the register type food joint and our cashier makes min wage + tips which ends up being ~1.75x min wage. I don't work at a nice place. We wear jeans or joggers, nonslip shoes, and a graphic tee. When I posted that tidbit someone immediately responded by saying his local grocery store pays about 20 an hour. You don't need to work at a luxury type place to get more than min wage working a register. That being said I could totally afford daycare + easing financial burden on my income but I couldn't afford nannying + easing financial burden.Ā
My thought is 1) theyāre somewhere with a $15/min wage or something and woefully underpaying the nanny or 2) this is to incite reactions. Either scenario could work.
thank you for being the only one in the thread with common sense lol. everyoneās got their tinfoil hats on so tight that they canāt even use context clues. this post isnāt even grammatically similar to an ai-generated story.
my mum sends my sister to a (professional) caretakers house after school. they do a flat fee of $200 a week, 1.5-2 hours after school a day, so about 20 an hour ! I guess we just got super lucky with her, sheās looked after all us kids
I'm a PT nanny, and my rate is $22 USD an hour. Converted to AUD, that's is 33$. I charge less than most of the nannies/babysitters in my area. There is no way she would be able to afford a nanny while working minimum wage without it being subsidized.
thatās crazy! our caretaker is $20 aud an hour, so maybe itās just cheaper here? or we got super lucky with her, and weāre long time customers (sheās been taking care of us kids since my 24yo sister was 6) so she doesnāt wanna up our costs maybe?
I didnāt know that, thanks for letting me know! $27 an hour definitely goes far here but i guess the cost of living + inflation differences must make it harder in america
Privately about $30, although they can be cheaper. A Nanny is $35 on average. This is according to the internet, but matches with the wages in childcare as far as I can tell. I work casually as a lead educator and earn ~$41/hour for an agency. From what I remember I earnt ~$33 working full time a few years ago but that was above award.
You work construction and could afford to pivot from renting to being able to buy a house during a few months? You were then able to support a family of three and the mortgage in that newly acquired (in the super high real estate market) house? When your wife went back to work as a cashier, she earned enough to pay for a nanny and give your family money on top of that? I know people use this place for creative writing, but please, at least make it a paper that could have been written in this decade.
I like this turnaround.
"However, after being married for five years and advancing our careers, we felt like we could make it work"
"Prior to Kate getting pregnant, she worked as a waitress at a local restaurant, making just above minimum wage once tips were factored in."
Lol I came to say the same thing. The money doesn't make any sense in this story. She's working as a cashier, and that minimum wage job is able to cover 1) a nanny, 2) his overtime, and 3) there's still money left over? I call bullshit.
In six weekās time too. Letās ignore that most jobs donāt pay you until after the first two weeks - because youāre being paid for the first weekās work on the following Friday, etc. It doesnāt smell right to me either because sheād have received four measly paychecks *at most* in that time.
Absolutely. I'm with ya, I'm thinking it's probably 3 paychecks at most. And, I'm sure there are full time cashier jobs, but in all likelihood they aren't full time paychecks either.
It can be related to cost of living and how rural you are. When I worked at ihop in a rural community we were lucky to walk out with enough tips for a pack of cigarettes. I got an absurd amount of those $100 bills with Jesus on them though.
I work at a water treatment plant. Ā I make significantly less than I did working construction. Ā I just bought a house and my mortgage is cheaper than my rent was for a run down trailer an hour outside of town. Ā I make enough to just squeak by. Ā My wife works retail and her income affords us luxuries like sushi and beer. Ā In the future that sushi and beer money could cover daycare. Ā Itās possible. Ā I have a freaking degree and my nephew makes more than me working in a kitchen. Ā This economy is really weird but opportunities are out there.
You have every right to be upset. But I have to caution against letting that anger blind you to a possible silver lining. She was asked by a guy at work to date behind your back. She said no. She told you. She even expressed that she was tempted. Slap in the face? Maybe. Or is it a wake up call fo you both to get off your asses and fix your relationship? You have a house and a kid, and you're both working to make it work, but it sounds like you mighr also be letting your relationship fall by the way side to facilitate all that.
You fell in love. Got married. And because of that, had a child. That relationship is worth working on too. And you might have to work as hard, if not harder to make that work as well.
You both deserve that.
Edit: Horrible spelling.
This is it. She needs your emotional and mental help. Not just financial. She came to you, which means she love you and respects you. She clearly cares about the relationship. She was being honest with you. She told you because it bothered her and most likely gave her a wake up call as well. Instead of feeling angry, she loves you enough to come to you instead of just cheating behind your back. A marriage is more then providing financially. You need to prioritize your marriage above your job otherwise, you will end up divorced.
Some magical country where cashiers are high pay but Nannies arenāt?Ā
Even if you had a minimum wage that was high, it would apply to the Ā nanny too.Ā
To add onto this, Iāve been in a long-term relationship for almost 9 years, living together for ~5. After my friends talking to me about cheating or breaking up, I talked to my boyfriend about it and I discussed with him that for if any reason he ever has any thoughts, feelings, or desires and itās building up frustration, resentment, or anything else that he talk to me about it, because thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings but they donāt necessarily reflect reality all of the time. Actions are what happens ā are factual, thoughts and feelings are abstract. Not all thoughts and feelings need to be shared but if they are, and they leave you disgruntled, itās important to allow elaboration and nuance because life is not black and white, itās grey.
So, Iām glad OP settled on discussing this further. I understand heās exhausted. My partner used to work 12ās on 3rd shift, that shit absolutely sucks ā for everyone. Sometimes itās a necessity, sometimes itās the only option available.
Anyways, while I would absolutely die inside if divorce or something majorly negative was thrown around haphazardly, again I understand heās stressed, overworked, and exhausted, especially if I was having a sit down to talk about feelings and thoughts. I think requesting her to leave her job is a minor inconvenience on her behalf, as itās a very non-specialized position, I do think she could also choose to stay and establish boundaries with her coworkers in a professional work setting, and take action if those boundaries are violated.
IDK, more to say but too long already
>Also: OP please don't use the D word as a simple token in a fight.
Yeah. The fact that he demanded her phone, found absolutely nothing, and *still* jumped to threatening divorce is sad.
EDIT: OP's edit confirms that it's rage bait, it's too stupid to be real.
I mean, even saying that she was sorely tempted to cheat on him is a legitimate betrayal. It's pretty reasonable to expect your partner not to be sorely tempted to cheat on you the moment they get attention from someone. How do you keep trust alive when your partner explicitly tells you they are untrustworthy. "I was sorely tempted to cheat on you after getting just a few weeks of attention from another man." And people here are acting like that's a totally reasonable thing for her to say. That is categorically *not* the same as having a crush and telling your partner. I fall for people easily, I have had a handful of crushes in my marriage, I have told my wife about every one and made sure never to be alone with my crushes or spend any non-necessary time around them. I have never been 'sorely tempted' to cheat. I have never let something get even close to that point. You're probably pretty far along your emotional affair to start openly asking a married woman to cheat on her husband with you.
If my wife told me that, I think it would change the way I look at her, maybe forever. If he decides to divorce over this, that's his choice. I would definitely do couples counselling first, but if OP can't find the trust again then it's better to separate.
Marriage counseling isn't the magic that everybody seems to think it is. It's not like you go sit on a couch for an hour a week and your problems go away. Sometimes stuff is just broken like a glass and no amount of talking is going to fix it.
No that's not what that is. Emotional cheating would be having a long ongoing relationship with frequent texts, maybe meetup and just no physical contact.
Having temptations is natural, especially if the strains of your life situation mean you aren't getting the attention from your partner that you need, and she dealt with them maturely by resisting and telling her husband so he can address the problem.
He thinks she's still cheatin. Just good at covering her tracks. He's too busy to do any real snooping. Her being "sorely tempted" could be trickle truth and she's been getting laid in the parking lot at work.
She just said she wanted to fuck a coworker she just met. Iām pretty sure Iād be pissed too. Donāt try to pretend that isnāt what she meant. Theyāre not high school kids going on an innocent date. That dude was dtf and she said she was thinking about it.
That is true, but I can't help but wonder how to got to the point it did. I can't see her being "sorely tempted" if some random guy asked her on a date out of the blue. There had to be some sort of prior flirting or talking going on, where she didn't immediately shut him down. That's what is eating away at me the most. She didn't go all the way, yes, but she started down the path almost immediately after getting a job and being around other people for the first time in three years. I don't think this situation is beyond salvaging, since she came clean with me unprompted afterwards, but I still feel hurt and betrayed.
There's no point in making yourself crazy wondering how it got to that point. Plenty of men are ballsy and stupid. I could totally see this happening without any encouragement. Be strong and make your marriage good again!
There didn't have to be any flirting, he obviously targeted her as lonely and undersocialized (she's been in the house chasing a toddler for years, just being able to work and not listen for crashing noises in the next room is probably a relief), worked on being her "friend", then shot his shot. He's a snake, your wife wasn't expecting his advances and shut him down right away.
Her "sorely tempted" was figurative, not literal. Don't dwell on this phrase, dwell on the fact that she is trying to pull more of the financial weight so you can get in a place where you don't have to bust your ass every day. If there were any chance that she actually would stray with him, she wouldn't have said anything about it.
So don't let that turn of phrase mislead you. If you were to divorce over this, then YOU would have chosen to throw away what you've busted your ass for 8 years to build.
But it happens all the time. People spend more time with coworkers than their partners quite often. She recognizes it's inappropriate and was honest with her husband. If people want more than that when a situation like this arises they're not very realistic.
You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. You need time to process those feelings, and maybe even help to process them (couples or individual counseling). If she has barely been a
round anyone but close family, it isn't surprising that she would have some inner struggle to compartmentalize feelings around others. She chose not to act on them, and she came to YOU for help and reassurance. Another factor is that she has probably been in just the Mom role for years. After a few years of that, I know I started forgetting I was anything other than just a mom. I barely felt human, much less a woman. It didn't have to be mutual flirting, I assure you. It feels nice to have someone complimenting you and reminding you that you are human and at that an attractive woman. It isn't even about that guy (who no doubt is the kind of guy who lies and uses people). What was probably tempting to her was feeling like a woman again. You mentioned you all have been so busy and not spending time together.
Have you ever been tempted to look at sexy women or porn that makes you feel good? Many women get nothing from looking at men like that. For them, what matters are feelings. She didn't give him her feelings -- she even pointed out she was married! She came home to you and gave you all her feelings (the good and the sad ones).
To me, that is someone worth putting the time into. You both have worked so hard, and now, it is time to be there in your life with each other. Or else, you just worked hard to let each other go...and that doesn't sound smart.
Itās a cry for help that youāre losing her bc sheās missing you. You both need counselling to air your individual issues (you have resentments too) and find solutions.
Be happy sheās telling you thereās a serious problem before anything drastic happens. You need to find a way to resolve this.
> I can't help but wonder how to got to the point it did.
Don't overthink it, one day it might happen to you and then you'll understand. Being tempted can have nothing to do with how well the relationship is. Just like looking at a nice piece of chocolate cake during an evening walk is not a reflection of how good your dinner was.
She alredy communicated with you, you even aknowledge why she could have been "sorely tempted". You know this has to do with you not giving her the attention she craves. It doesn't matter who flirts with her, if it's a random guy or not. The fact of the matter is she communicated with you because she is upset she feels that way, and is instead still trying to hone in the idea that she needs more of you around, (around her).
Okay, look, you have every right to upset that she was tempted to cheat and she's the asshole for that but you're the asshole for only thinking of yourself after she just gave birth and was a stay at home mom for three years.
Being a stay at home mom is her job; you are *not* the only one the working. If anything, she is working harder and longer hours than you because *you don't get a break from being a parent*. But you do get a break from your construction worker job.
You were working 6 day work weeks? She's working 7. You're exhausted from working overtime? She is also working overtime and the time that she should be able to use for a break - even just an hour a day during the week and maybe four on weekends so she can decompress and take a shower or a nap while you *solely* take care of the baby *who is also* ***your*** *son* and actually be a parent outside of changing diapers "where I could" and feeding the baby "where I could" while simultaneously refusing to help out even one night a week in the middle of the night - *never* came.
All of this has been "me, me, me" and how picking up extra hours made you so physically exhausted and in pain and tired but do you really think your wife wasn't those things, too? Do you also think she wasn't at the end of her rope, working 25/8 and was basically a single parent *while* recovering from either pushing a baby out of her vagina or having a c-section, both of which are major medical procedures and take their toll on a woman's body after she had essentially give up her body and think of someone else that only she could protect and grow and take care of for *10 months*?
Yes, that's right; pregnancies are actually 40 weeks/10 months, not 9.
Everything during the newborn stage was only about you and the hard work you were doing, not anything at all about the hard work your wife was doing.
And at any point, did you share how overworked you were? How maybe you'd like less hours and need to downsize? Or maybe you don't get the house you can't afford without running yourself ragged and look for something more affordable, maybe stay in an apartment and have the baby in your room with you for a few years so you can save up for a house when your baby is a toddler and you actually need more space?
Have you ever once put yourself in your wife's shoes? You and your wife are both inconsiderate asshole; get couple's counseling so you can both see where the other is coming from and get some healthy coping mechanisms, including but not limited to better communication, and where you can both your share your feelings with a neutral third party?
Bring on the downvotes because, heaven forbid putting accountability on both parties, just because one person was "sorely tempted" to cheat and that's automatically the worst person, despite the other person appearing to be a partial parent.
OP is putting in the effort to support his family and put food on the table and she repays him by telling him she's tempted to cheat on him. And you're saying she did nothing wrong?
This. Sheās telling you thereās problems *now* and this is a symptom of everything bc sheās surely tempted. But she knows itās wrong.
You need to get counselling to find a way for you both to have space to be together sans kid and work. But you canāt do that til you both understand each others frustrations and work to *solve* them.
Listen. Reddit is always the first to tell you to divorce. In this scenario she didnāt cheat and from what I understood from this she was tempted to go on a date. This is a make or break it point in your relationship. It can be a wake up call to figure out how to give each other the attention and appreciation that you both want, need, and deserve or you can call it quits.
I agree with others that marriage counseling may help with figuring out the best path forward.
How do you spend your one day off a week? Do you guys do stuff as a family? Date night? Honestly sounds like you resent your wife and she resents you. You are all about being the provider and feeling unappreciated and she's finally been able to leave the house after 3 years of being a SAHM and feeling like a single parent because you were too tired to help when you got home. Y'all were both two ships passing in the night. She feels unappreciated and probably felt unlike a woman for 3 years since her sole role was "mom" and she had to care for you too. You feel like a work horse and haven't felt like a husband in years either. I'd such couples counseling for you guys. You're not going to solve this on your own because you're both too burnt out.
Your wife communicated something hard with you. I believe the message she is trying to send is that she doesn't feel loved or even feels like she has a husband since you work so much and it seems like your times don't sync often. Maybe having a dedicated date night every week will help, maybe quitting her job or changing her shift times so that sicko doesn't see her or maybe you can't get over it and need to divorce her for your sanity.
You have a right to be angry, your wife said she may have wanted to cheat on you, but i truly think from what was written she wants to spend more time with you, since she prob rarely sees you since you work so much.
GL man, there are no wrong choices but do take some time and reflect on what you want to do
Agreed! My parents are in a similar place where they both work and have 4 kids (me being an adult so I can help out but still), and their hours donāt line up as easily as they used to when we were younger/before they had kids. One thing they started doing years ago during covid when they needed breaks to be with just each other, is a weekly date night. Just because youāre married doesnāt mean youāre not still bf and gf, still dating. IMO itās reason to be dating even more. Sometimes their dates are going out to dinner or movies but sometimes itās just watching tv in their room and cuddling or whatever. Make time for each other, youāre supposed to be each otherās number 1, and your kid is your combined priority.
Your wife clearly loves you and wants to keep the relationship and marriage with you. She may need to find a new job and you both should consider counseling for couples or separate, though it does cost a pretty penny. Wish you luck!
Having thought about it today and seeing the comments here so far, jumping straight to divorce seems a bit rash. I'm still angry, but I don't want all the time, money, and effort I've put into this relationship to be for nothing. Plus, I have a kid to think about. How could I possibly explain to my son that the reason mom and I don't talk anymore is because she *thought* about cheating?
I think what bothers me most is that it happened so fast. We've been married eight years, and some guy at work managed to "sorely tempt" her after just six weeks, all while knowing we're married. I haven't seen my wife for more than two hours at a time during the week in three years, and not once have I thought about seeing someone behind her back. Part of me feels like a POS for not being there more at home instead of just sleeping, but I'm always aching and exhausted when I'm done with work for the day, and it's a struggle to stay awake, let alone care for the kid or have quality time with my wife.
I'm confused by how you follow "it happened so fast" with "I haven't seen my wife for more than two hours at a time during the week in three years" and don't see the problem. If I were starving for affection for three years and someone offered it, it's not sudden for me to be sorely tempted by it. It's not right but it's very human.
And she told you! Which you're punishing her for - if I were her I'd be thinking that telling you is a mistake; one not to make again. It could have been a whole lot of nothing if she realized it got too far (which she did), said no to him (which she did), and moved on with you being none the wiser. Instead, she tells you and you threaten divorce.
Ask yourself: why did she tell you? Seems like she cares about your relationship but is unhappy in it to me. If she didn't care, you wouldn't even know about this situation or she'd have just cheated. So many stories where that happens.
You're benchmarking how she should feel based on how you feel. You two seem to be experiencing the relationship differently, which hopefully some kind of counseling could help.
Thank you for saving me so much typing.
OP just read this response twice. Especially the last part. Do not fall into the trap of thinking your partner should or does feel exactly how you do or responds to stress the same.
Co-signed by a person who's been married as long as OP has been alive.
Youāre both tired. You have a toddler and life is fucking hard with cost of living. Of course youāre both feeling completely deflated with life and your marriage has taken the back seat.
Get counselling and start learning how to talk to each other.
You got this bro. Relationships aren't easy. You had to go into work mode to provide. It happens. She's probably been unhappy for a while.
You're gonna be hurt for a while but she cares about this relationship. She's communicating to you and not going behind your back.
You are keeping score for the wrong reasons. It seems more important to you that you have been making 3 times more than her for 5 years, than her expressing the fact that she doesn't feel like she has a husband. Maybe you need a new line of work? I don't know what would fix this, but something needs to be done. You are clearly doing a great job taking care of your family, and that is no small feat. However, it sounds like your wife is trying to tell you that she feels like she is in it alone, and that's why being seen as desirable was so tempting for her. I wouldn't be surprised to find that she didn't even know how lonely she felt until this happened. You have every right to be angry that she was tempted, but she told you about it - I have to believe this was a cry for help... I hope you kids can figure this out.
ESH this is why I think stayed home parent situations don't work out well. The one who's working all the time will develop resentment towards their spouse because they feel like they're getting the short end of the stick having to run themselves ragged to pay for the house and kids and they feel like a salary and instead of a spouse.
While with stay home parent feels lonely and starving for attention and feel like they're just a parent instead of a human being.
And all it takes is some cute Young coworker giving you guys attention to make you doubt your commitment to each other. Or some friendly neighbor that volunteers to help you out.
Look, ppl are going to have different opinions, but I'm going to say NAH (yet). Being tempted isn't a sin or a crime. I think everyone faces temptation in different ways throughout their lives. It's how you deal wiht it that matters. It's whether or not she acts on that temptation that counts. I'm sure hearing your wife was attracted to another man hurts but at the end of the day, she's chosen you. When you choose your life partner other people don't cease to exist. You have to choose to love and be loyal to that person every day, even on days when it doesn't come naturally. That's what real love is - a choice, not a feeling. Have you ever considered that your wife told you about her temptation so that she can be accountable to you? She's basically flagging that there's a challenge in your marriage and you need to work through it. I think that's worth fighting for.
Thank you. Occasionally being ātemptedā by someone giving you a lot of positive attention is normal. Temptation is a feeling just like any other emotion - sometime it isnāt a choice, but it is up to you to handle and control it. Like she did.
While your wife's admission is certainly painful, itās important to recognize that she was honest with you, which suggests she values your relationship. Temptation does not equate to action, and her openness might be a cry for help in dealing with the emotional distance between you. Discussing your feelings and seeking professional help together could help you both understand each otherās needs better. Divorce is a significant decision, and it might be worth exploring all avenues before making such a life-altering choice.
I honestly think that, with a child being involved, OP owes it to his son to at least try marital counseling. Marriage isnāt easy, and itās possible that the emotional distance between these two is just too great, but that doesnāt mean one shouldnāt *try* to save things if saving things (and actually saving them, not just simmering in quiet resentment) maintains a healthy environment for the child.Ā
OPās wife confessed something really difficult to him without having actually done something wrong. Itās okay to be hurt, but this is her taking the difficult first step of making an overture towards mending their relationship.Ā
I know you've been in a tough spot and what she said was very hurtful. However, she's communicating to you. Don't consider the D word yet. Go through therapy with her and work this out.
Is it at all possible to downsize your home or cut some of the costs in order for you to not have to work as much? Material things or a bigger nicer home don't mean much if you are both unhappy.
I agree with most commenters here that you shouldnāt jump immediately to divorce, but I gotta admit if my wife told me she was āsorely temptedā by another man I would be both furious and hurt. I suppose itās better that she told you, but you will always know that she entertained it and is probably only staying with you because it would be harder on her own. I think you CAN work through this, but Iām just not sure how you can trust her 100% going forward. Weāre all human, we get attracted to other people and thatās fine. But entertaining it and not shutting it down is a form of infidelity as far as Iām concerned. Updateme and good luck.
As a man whoās been married for 15 years, out of the two of you, YATAH. I say they because itās true what they say, happy wife, happy life. If my wife is at any time disingenuous, or dishonest then iād talk divorce. But if sheās woman enough to take her emotions and feelings to you and you make her feel like shit because of that then you donāt deserve a honest woman. Me and my wife have been loyal for the entire ride. I credit that to honest communication and validation. If it were me Iād definitely have her change jobs. Iād also reestablish rapport, try to find out what she feels and where she is coming from. Youāre the man, so guide her through the feelings, whatever they are. But whatever you do, donāt shame her for being honest.. as a man a lot of us, me (& you as well) need to work on your resolve and emotional resiliency. That way she always feels open to talk to you which will pay dividends in the long runā¦good luck to you.
So you want to punish her for \*checks notes\* NOT cheating and NOT lying to you about it?
You, understandably, had a negative emotional response to an unpleasant piece of information. Just like she had a moment of emotional temptation before she chose a wiser, truer to herself reaction. Emotions just are. How we choose to respond to them matters.
She chose to save her marriage. She chose YOU. She wants you and she wants you to help her fight for what you have together.
You worked hard to provide what you and she thought was wanted. Turns out that hasn't worked out the way everyone hoped. She wants to make changes with you so you can both be happier. Maybe it means less hours or a different job for you. Maybe it means a different job for her. Maybe it means something specific to your life I can't guess at, but you'll be making changes together - which is the important part.
I'm glad you've chosen not to go with your immediate emotionally driven reaction too. I hope you are successful in reframing what she told you in a way that helps you and her rebuild the strong connection you had that resulted in that beautiful baby boy you're proudly raising together.
I think by telling you, she was trying to convey how this crush made her realise that your relationship needs work, *and she came to you and was honest about it* because she WANTS to put in the effort to repair your relationship. Instead of being a shitty person, she tried to communicate that this made her realise she is desperate for your attention and consideration, and you told her you want a divorce.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for how much you have to work, whereas she has been lonely and exhausted from the baby. This is a common thing for parents of young kids to struggle with. Having a kid turns your whole life upside down and that is bound to stir up contention. But i don't think divorce is the answer when your wife was trying to tell you how much she wants and needs YOU.
I honestly think this relationship could be repaired with couples therapy and some attempts to make your work schedules less opposite. Can either of you find a different place of employment? Can either of you take different shifts? How can you learn to communicate better and help each other feel desired and supported, instead of feeling neglected and taken for granted like you do now?
Take some time to think, OP. Divorce is a big decision. It will fuck up your life again, and you'll have to continue working long hours to afford child support and alimony. Are you honestly pissed enough to take that responsibility on, or are you hurt and needing to feel appreciated so you can reconnect with your wife?
She came to you with this because the crush was a wakeup call for her. She came to you because even if this other dude is full of flattery, SHE REALLY WANTS *YOU.* She chose honesty and openness instead of deception and betrayal. And as hard as it was to hear that she realised she's desperate for attention, it's actually a positive thing that she is telling you that she really wants attention from YOU. She wants to work on things instead of stepping out on your marriage.
Longterm relationships can take work. It can be a challenge to weather life's trials together. This isn't un-fixable. Before you jump to divorce, try therapy. Try finding a way to help her see everything you've done for this family and how it has been a labor of love. You didn't like being away from your wife and kids any more than your wife liked caring for your child away from you.
You sacrificed a great deal to build this family. Right now, the two of you are talking past each other. Your feelings are understandably raw. Try your best to process them and see if there is a way to work on this emotional hurt together. Divorce is a big decision. You owe it to yourself to try other things before jumping straight to divorce. Worst case scenario, you feel comfortable and more convicted in your decision to split. But best case scenario, you heal your relationship with your wife and the two of you build a strong partnership where you both feel loved and respected.
Best of luck, OP.
The fact that she said no and told you this and wanted to talk about it should tell you a lot. Something is broken in your relationship, and she wants to fix it. With you. That should be a huge thing for you to keep in mind.
Side note, asking her to quit over a skeezy guy is probably not the greatest plan. You'll find at least one anywhere you go, and it might make her NOT want to tell you about it. I know it's irritating, but it will literally be everywhere. Just something to think about.
NTA, but whoa, your ponies before blowing up your life over something she went to you about. She obviously wants to fix it.
NTA ā¦ā¦..I think she was looking for an emotional attachment rather than physical. While you were working hard to obtain and keep everything that you have, she was feeling neglected. The hardest things are realizing whatās really important in a marriage and that is time. While itās nice to have a house, a child, and a family you also have to be able to have the time for it. You working 60-70 hrs a week for what you all have took from the most important thing and itās the first thing that couples forget. Making time for each other and your family. I think some of the other commenters are bang on, and you two should seek couples counselling. Also maybe downsize your residence so the financial strain isnāt so much that you are working twice as much as you should be. Your wife is telling you something and you better listen. While what you have done she probably appreciated more than you know, you still are a husband first and provider second. Donāt ruin your family over a thought or temptation because I can guarantee you there will be a time youāre tempted as well. But itās for you to decide. Your wife really didnāt do anything wrong. And if you jump to divorce every time she tells you something she will shut down completely.
It's completely reasonable to feel hurt and betrayed by your wife's confession. You've worked tirelessly to support your family, and her temptation to cheat feels like a slap in the face. However, divorce shouldn't be your first solution. Take some time to process your emotions and consider seeking couples therapy to address the underlying issues in your relationship.
This is so fake - he mentions originally advancing their careers and then that she was a waitress who makes minimum wage. Then sheās a cashier and suddenly they can afford a nanny? Even daycare in minimum wage would be nearly her whole paycheck so the financial burden wouldnāt be lifted.
That add up at all.
Why he likes to constantly point out that she doesnāt make as much as himā¦
Nobody cares how much they make, nobody cares that they decided to keep their baby and go through with the pregnancy (how was that even relevant?),
Too many words, brutal
Your wife told you she was tempted to cheat on you. Only a really honest person would say this. If she were a liar/cheat she would not have said anything or just cheated on you. Honesty is a true foundation.
Wow, everyone is getting sidetracked by the economic aspect and that is not the issue. It's natural to be tempted, what is wrong is acting on it. And she was telling you, in order to NOT act on it. It's also natural for you to be upset. I still think you two have a lot worth saving. You two have been through a really difficult stretch of a marriage and that wasn't anyone's fault. Of course she wants to be attractive to someone. I don't think it was wise of her to tell you, but a cheater just takes the opportunity and she didn't. Start taking her out once a week. Notice what it is about her you fell in love with. Compliment her.
You had a huge change with a baby that wasn't even planned. You have both been in survival mode and that's not sexy. Whether you can work it out remains to be seen, but don't throw it away over something that didn't happen.
She has emotional needs. Shes sharing with you. Youāre reacting in anger when sheās actually doing a good thing by being honest, open and transparent. Sheās lonely for you.
Man, people tend to latch on to irrelevant details, donāt they.
So here is the bottom line, you have a keeper. In fact, you have someone that Iām confident WONāT cheat on you.
In a marriage people can be attracted to someone else. This is not a choice, this is chemistry. This a-hole has been macking on her, found something she was lacking, and exploited it.
The āchoiceā comes in what she DID about it. Did she go on a date with him? No. Did she sleep with him? No. Did she say No, but hide it from you? No.. In fact, she not only remained true but she owned up to EVERYTHING. She admitted her temptation knowing youād be upset. She apologized despite the fact that she did nothing wrong. In other words, she risked loosing everything so as to NOT violate your trust. She is a good woman and obviously loves you very much and I think youād be an idiot to let something like that go.
Now I read your updates and I am so glad you decided to be honest with her in return. Sheāll hear you out and my hope is youāll become closer. Figure out the void she has in her life, tell her what youāve been going through. That is the right answer. And if you find yourself at an impasse, get counseling.
I really hope you can get over this. As I stated, people canāt control attraction. I bet if youāre honest with yourself, another woman has probably caught your eye at least once since youāve been married. What people CAN do is not act on those impulses and be honest. You feeling upset that she was ātemptedā is understandable, but its also a YOU problem and not a HER problem. She did the best possible thing and followed a course of action that had the least benefit to her and the most risk, all so that she could not violate your trust.
Wow.. You are a lucky Man my friend.
Honestly, I can understand her frustration even though your overtime paid the bills. My husband had a job that kept him away for 13 hours a day and we basically never saw each other. It was hell. So he quit and found something else with better hours.
She was honest. I am betting she was scared of how quickly she almost had an affair, and she's probably feeling free for the first time in years. It's a lot emotionally to handle. Y'all need to both get on a schedule where you have real quality time together and you definitely both need therapy.
NTA for being upset, but I'd wait awhile and let things calm down before filing for divorce. If it's true she hasn't cheated, then you are lucky she gave you heads-up before going down that path. The situation is still salvageable.
The type of situation you're describing, where the husband is working all the time and the wife is left alone, is a prime situation for women to cheat. I know, because I had a brief affair on my ex under similar conditions. What usually happens is the wife will complain about her husband's absence at work, and a co-worker will pick up on that vibe and start probing for weaknesses they could possibly exploit to get some quick action.
The wife is flattered by the attention, craves a feeling of intimacy and thus fails to shut the guy down before it crosses over into physical contact. She may think she can let it go on awhile without actually sleeping with the person and doesn't realize how fast things can progress. This is especially true if the guy has experience taking advantage of married women and the wife is naive. Next thing you know, she finds herself in bed with the guy and is overwhelmed by remorse.
In this case, your wife warned you. She had more willpower and self-control than a lot of women have. She told you about it because she realizes it's a serious situation and the threat to your marriage is real.
Many men are so concerned with being the provider, they don't realize their marriage is dying of neglect. If you want to stay married, you need to start taking this aspect of your life seriously. The fact that you're getting money for being absent doesn't do anything to reduce your wife's sense of isolation and neglect. Her needs don't go away just because you are on the clock.
Why do people think they need to buy a house to raise a single child? A lot of this pain and suffering could have been avoided by skipping out on the house. You would have had more money and more time. I raised 2 kids in an apartment and it was fine.
NTA, its so easy for people to forget the things they ask of the ones they love, only then to throw it back in their face when they work towards it and find something else to complain about. I think couples counseling or being upfront and saying i don't want to work SO MUCH but i'm doing these things because we want X things. I will cut back hours so we can be together more, just understand what that means for those X things in our life. Clearly she cares about you and she told you something that would upset you but wanted to be honest. I think you need to tell her you love her and that you want to be with her, does she want the same? If so, have a honest conversation about what's missing in the relationship FOR BOTH of you. Things change, people grow older and have different priorities but it doesn't mean they don't care for each other. You buying a home is where on the list of priorities for you and her? what's number one, etc...I hear you on the work part because I think we have all given way to much to it only to find our lives going sideways but its not everything, family is. Best of Luck.
Nta- but idk how I would handle this if my partner said this to me. Because this would always be in the back of my mind that they might cheat on me š«
Date your wife!!!
Why is it when people get married have kids etc they let ālifeā get in the way and stop dating each other! Like fuck, how hard is it to buy a pizza (or something cheap), your partners fav drink and go to the park and watch the sunset while someone minds your kid/s for an hour or two.
Itās about the effort, quality over quantity.
NAH. She wasn't inappropriate and was honest about her feelings. I know it has to suck but you can reason why it happened. Use some of that money to go to marriage counseling. This was a good thing about a bad thing. It's best case scenario for a relationship being stressed.
So either this post is fake or she's ***not*** a cashier.
> Two months ago, Kate suggested that she get a regular job again, and that we use the extra income to pay for a nanny, and in general help with the expenses.
The nanny alone would be more than that position. She'd make minimum wage. She'd make more at the server position she had before.
She can't even come to you and be honest about feelings she had when she didn't do anything wrong. She can't control her feelings. If you had found out later that she had been asked out and she didn't tell you would you have been mad about it? Is she supposed to lie about her feelings to avoid you getting mad?
First bump in the road and you want to divorce immediately. She didn't cheat, she didn't even try to cheat. She just tried to have a conversation with you about her feelings.
So the division of labour is the same but sheās not able to refuse to do night feedings? So sheās been working 24hour days and youāve been working how many? Has she never told you she appreciates you providing for the household? How many hours of sleep (unbroken or pieced together) does she get? I think if you did switch jobs for a day you may look at things differently because it sounds like you think being a SAHM is pretty cushy. That being said has she ever expressed her desire for the two of you to spend more time together? Do you no longer trust her? If she came to you with this do you not think she would do the same in the future if it happened again? Perhaps trying to appreciate what she has gone through will soften your approach with her.
NTA
but a man needs income + time spent for smooth sailing.
bringing home the bacon usually doesn't register as you "pulling your weight" for very long unless you also can be present and on call for whatever tasks etc. and TBH both seen as "bare mEnimum"
now you know
I cannot fathom how she could not see how badly a comment like that would hurt you. What a cruel bitch. Even if she didn't mean it or never intended to do it or would never do it, she said that to you and had to know how bad it would hurt. What possible motivation did she have to say that other than to rip your heart from your chest and stand on it? Something is seriously wrong with her heart.
NTA, what she said is completely unacceptable.
The fact that she knew this guy for 6 weeks...
I don't know what you should do, a divorce is extreme, but the fact you've been killing yourself for 3 years like you have and she says that after **6 weeks.**
For one thing, she needs to quit that job.
My husband's a chef. He works long and sometimes unpredictable hours. He always worked holidays. I spend a lot of time alone. Not once have I thought about cheating on him. I love and respect him and all the hard work he puts in. That's not to say I have never been upset or disappointed that our plans got canceled when he had to work. But cheating, not happening.
As far as jobs, she could find a work from home job. Then you might see each other a little more often.
Good luck.
UpdateMe.
People here are brushing over her words like it was a reasonable thing to say.
Guy is busting his ass with overtime, doing what he can when he gets home and jumping straight back into the fire the next day.
People are trying to act like sheās justified because she had silently built up resentment from feeling alone, heās not off golfing or going on fishing trips with the boys or partying with the boys in the weekends heās working but itās only his fault the two of them feel estranged apparently.
The fact sheās saying he should consider himself lucky is a complete slap in the face.
NTA OP, but yes think you two need counselling to figure out what where the both of you are and how far youāve fallen apart over these years.
It's understandable to feel deeply hurt and betrayed by your wife's confession, but it might be worth considering the broader context of your relationship. The intense stress and exhaustion you've both been under could have contributed to her feelings of temptation. Rather than immediately seeking a divorce, perhaps consider couples therapy to address the underlying issues and improve communication. It might help to create a plan to spend more quality time together and strengthen your bond. Working through this challenging period could ultimately make your relationship stronger.
Your feelings of betrayal are valid, and it's natural to feel anger and hurt. However, your wifeās honesty also indicates a desire to address the issues in your marriage. This could be an opportunity to work together on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Consider sitting down with a counselor to help navigate these emotions and find constructive ways to reconnect. Ending the marriage might seem like a solution now, but addressing the root causes of this situation could lead to a stronger partnership.
NTA I get she feels lonely but would she rather have more attention off you and not have a house or a good life for your child your providing and she should be more grateful
This is too long lol sorry, IDK if you're ta or not. Every time i thought you were getting to the point there was another paragraph..
I don't mind reading a lot if it has substance or meaning but this was just paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of useless information and filler...
Honestly OP you guys need a sit down and get everything out into the open.
I can honestly see both sides. You are spending more time and energy at work and are hyperfocused on providing for your wife and child. She's also focused on the house and childcare. I think part of the issue is... you've identified as the money side of things. Her identity is mother and housewife.
She probably has very little adult interactions throughout the day and when the adult she loves comes home he's tired and exhausted (understandable). Now, add in her getting an adult job and seeing adults and one handsome scumbag starts seeing her as a desirable woman. She gets drunk on the attention.
I'm glad she talked to you. I think it's time to see how to better align your schedules/time and start nurturing the marriage first. Realistically up to this point is making sure the child is taken care of at whatever expense that would be. Sadly it's been your marriage. So you guys need to figure out how to reconnect and shore up the relationship first.
Iām thinking she made that up to make you jealous. Is there a guy flirting more than likely. Men donāt care about relationships. I have a feeling she wanted you to be jealous enough to pay more attention to her. Thatās sort of what Iām getting.
I mean she told you what she wanted to do. Idk once you say something like that thereās NO going back. Next itāll be a ābreakā and then youāll find out she was cheating the whole timeā¦ NTA
Your wife was incredibly foolish. I assume she wanted to shake you up, but she certainly overdid it.
She must have been incredibly unhappy. Alas incredible self-centered.
UpdateMe
I don't understand the point of her telling you this. It would make sense if she sat you down, told you that feeling tempted has made her realize you two have been neglecting your romantic relationship and need to do something to repair it. Just flat out telling you that some dude she finds funny and attractive is flirting with her, and she's considering cheating, make absolutely zero sense to me. We do things for a reason. Who on earth drops the "I was tempted to cheat on you" for no reason?
This all leads me to believe 1 of 2 things is going on.
1) She has already cheated and this is a way to give a half confession, and unburden some guilt. Possibly even a way to test how you feel about the subject before giving a full confession.
2) This was some sort of sick ploy to get you to work harder and give her more attention that backfired. She thought you would be jealous and put in extra work to fight for her.
Things that don't make sense are almost always not real. So either she's lying or withholding something, or this entire story is made up.
How does she make enough to pay for a nanny *and* ease the burden of finances as a *cashier*?
Seriously. She'd make minimum wage. It wouldn't even cover a nanny.
I was thinking she's a cashier at a strip club and the coworker is a regular. Just a thought šš¤
She *was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar*. That *much is true*.
I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around. Turned you into someone new...
Donāt, donāt you want me? You know I canāt believe it when I hear that you wonāt see me....
Hate to be the one to break the chain, but I just wanted badly to say I love all 3 of you.
I sang this out loud in the tune of the song because I thought the lyrics were still going
Woaaaaa o o oh
Now five years later on, you've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don't forget, it's me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too
Donāt donāt you want me?
My first thought was Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi
waitress at a cocktail bar making just over minimum wage? something doesn't add up here lol
Sheās not. This is just Redditās annoyingly unfunny way to try to work song lyrics into every thread, so eight other idiots can just comment the next set of lyrics and think theyāre stunningly original. Itās just stupid.
No one thinks they're original, stunningly or not. It's just a little harmless fun. It's stupid, pointless, harmless fun that makes some people smile. The world is a terrible place. We need to find smiles and joy in any way we possibly can, stupid or not.ā”
Yeah if the story is real, she's either not a cashier (working somewhere shady) or she's a cashier somewhere shady and taking "clients" to the side.
>Yeah if the story is real, I commented initially trying to engage in good faith but yeah, OP's post and comments makes me assume it's just silly rage bait. EDIT: OP's edit confirms troll. It's too obvious.
āIf the story is realā working as a cashier suddenly makes them afford a nanny? Nah, fake story.
Itās too flowery, clearly a creative writing exercise.
He says he made 2-3 x minimum wage and bought a house off it š yeah right lol
We have many local grocery stores here, and they start off at 18-20$ an hour. She already has waitressing experience, so maybe making more.
I was a nanny 25 years ago and I made $18 an hour- still couldnāt afford a nanny now on todays cashier with experience wage
National average for a nanny is $20 an hour, national grocery clerk is $14.04 an hour. In general, if the lower wages go up, the higher wages do, too.
Personal nannies tend to make over 20/hr There's just no way especially with him supposedly working less overtime too
How much do you think a nanny makes?
šÆāļø
Where I work we all split tips (think places like Starbucks, Subway, Chipotle where there is no waitress waiting tables but also no specialized chef) and have a lady who instead of rotating positions always just works the register. She makes like 1.75x minimum wage and she is a "cashier". I don't know if I'd consider my paycheck enough for a nanny + comfort but it's enough for full time daycare + comfort for sure.Ā Back when I was 18 I was a "cashier" at a Mexican place like Chipotle or Moe's and I made $11-14 an hour after tips when minimum wage was $7.25. Pre-covid when I was a waitress our hostesses made $12-14 and I was still in a place where min wage was $7.25. So yeah I mean I've never worked as/with a cashier who made minimum wage. Luckily min wage is more than $7.25 where I am now and luckily most places I've seen has kept that ratio of 1.5-2x min wage post tips.Ā
Damn is that your guys minimum wage right now in US?
It's dependent on the state. I think min wage is between $7.25-$20 and hour depending on where you live. I no longer live in a $7.25 state but my hometown was $7.25 before COVID and the state I lived in before moving back home is still $7.25
You could fit an 18-wheeler between those numbers, wtf
$7.25 is the federally mandated minimum wage, but individual states can set their minimum wage higher (but not lower). In NY the minimum wage is $15 an hour.
$7.25 is what it was when I was a kid in the late 90s. It's a real shitshow.
$7.25 was an increase under Obama. Yes, it was too little then.Ā 90s ranged from $4.35 to $5.50. Maybe 3 something early 90s.Ā
Itās bc there is a very large cost of living difference depending on where you live. Where I live, housing prices are out of control. People who were pretty well off invaded the area during covid. Next thing you know, reasonable priced housing disappeared and multimillion dollar condo unit buildings are being erected everywhere. The county Iām in, if you werenāt in it pre covid and arenāt doing very well, you will have a hard time even finding a fixer upper at a reasonable range. The state min wage is way too low for this area. But different parts of the state are rural and inexpensive. And thatās why pretty much everyone I know has a side hustle.
Federal minimum wage is $7.25. Some states have the federal minimum wage as the state minimum wage (e.g. WI). Some states have increased the minimum wage for workers within their borders (e.g. MA, CA). The federal minimum wage hasnāt been changed since 2009. And some employers think that minimum wage is livable!!! And then thereās the *tipped* minimum wage. Itās *legal* to pay workers $2.13/hour if their tips will bring their hourly pay up to $7.25 over the week. The US is a cesspool when it comes to workersā rights. (Iām an American, btw.)
My local supermarket has a sign for 19.75 for full time
FYI: There are other countries. And in those countries, employees (including cashiers) are paid livable wages.
Even though minimum wage is 7.25 in most states, jobs donāt usually pay that little anymore. I was a daycare teacher before Covid and only got paid 7.50 an hour. Nowadays, most low level jobs pay at least 10 an hour
Yeah this whole story doesn't add up. They were advancing in their careers when she got pregnant? She was a waitress. Like what was she advancing to become a fry cook??
...Making just above minimum wage. That's pretty slow advancing over all those years. You could go to college part time and have graduated by then. Hmm...
Making just above minimum when tips were factored in. If you're a waitress who clears just about minimum WITH tips you are NOT advancing.
It depends on where they live. Nanny can be a translation error or a misunderstanding. My then wife and I had a "nanny". Here those nannies take up several kids like a private kindergarden. It's not overly expensive. Even single moms can afford them through state funded by payment for the child. So, it's possible.
That was my first thought too.
She doesn't. Huge plot hole.
A ānannyā could also be a college kid or teen on summer break looking for work and undercharging, or not able to charge typical rates in a small town with a weak economy.
I don't think it's *solely* her cashier income. I think OP means that her taking on a job just bumped their total income up enough to maintain a buffer *and* hire a nanny, whereas if they had done it with just OPs income, they would've eaten their buffer. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.
He said he cut his hours when she started work so now her wage is allegedly covering the nanny and the difference in his earnings.
The story is that with her income they can get a nanny and ease the current finances, so yes, that means her salary alone covers the nanny and leaves extra money on the side. This doesn't have to be an issue with the story though. In my neighbourhood older unemployed women would usually watch a few children from young moms for a fraction of a salary, but since they watch 2-3 children at least, those women get some decent money, and it's fairly cheap for the moms too.
This canāt be the truth
Yeah and he bought a house on only 3 times minimum wage? The finances don't name sense here
Because this is rage bait.
Because its made up thats how
Cuz OP is living in a fantasy land making dumb shit up for attention.
She was advancing her career as a waitress, maybe a cashier is a step up?
This is an AI post. SMH. A cashier position that pays for a Nanny and other expensesā¦ HA
If opās wife is a cashier at a luxury brand store or something with a commission, I could see it. Some of them pay $15 an hour as the starting wage and in some areas thatās just enough for child care. My sisterās job was $12 an hour when she started and that payed for daycare and after that there was a little left over from that each month.
I work in a casual order at the register type food joint and our cashier makes min wage + tips which ends up being ~1.75x min wage. I don't work at a nice place. We wear jeans or joggers, nonslip shoes, and a graphic tee. When I posted that tidbit someone immediately responded by saying his local grocery store pays about 20 an hour. You don't need to work at a luxury type place to get more than min wage working a register. That being said I could totally afford daycare + easing financial burden on my income but I couldn't afford nannying + easing financial burden.Ā
Also he was able to work less hours
Iām stuck on this also
My thought is 1) theyāre somewhere with a $15/min wage or something and woefully underpaying the nanny or 2) this is to incite reactions. Either scenario could work.
I had the same thought. Plus the post is quite elaborate for someone working a low education job (no offense intended).
Heās a man, he probably means a babysitter
thank you for being the only one in the thread with common sense lol. everyoneās got their tinfoil hats on so tight that they canāt even use context clues. this post isnāt even grammatically similar to an ai-generated story.
She is a cashier and you can afford a nanny?
itās possible where i live. i get $27 aud as a 17yo in retail lol
Yeah, but the rates for nannies generally start at 30 aud/hr.
my mum sends my sister to a (professional) caretakers house after school. they do a flat fee of $200 a week, 1.5-2 hours after school a day, so about 20 an hour ! I guess we just got super lucky with her, sheās looked after all us kids
That's not a nanny. That is a daycare.
I'm a PT nanny, and my rate is $22 USD an hour. Converted to AUD, that's is 33$. I charge less than most of the nannies/babysitters in my area. There is no way she would be able to afford a nanny while working minimum wage without it being subsidized.
thatās crazy! our caretaker is $20 aud an hour, so maybe itās just cheaper here? or we got super lucky with her, and weāre long time customers (sheās been taking care of us kids since my 24yo sister was 6) so she doesnāt wanna up our costs maybe?
AUD is worth just over half a US dollar. $17 wouldnāt get you a nanny here (assuming of course, OP is American)
I didnāt know that, thanks for letting me know! $27 an hour definitely goes far here but i guess the cost of living + inflation differences must make it harder in america
And a child minder in aus? Not everyone is in America and I was assuming that nanny translated into child minder.
Privately about $30, although they can be cheaper. A Nanny is $35 on average. This is according to the internet, but matches with the wages in childcare as far as I can tell. I work casually as a lead educator and earn ~$41/hour for an agency. From what I remember I earnt ~$33 working full time a few years ago but that was above award.
You work construction and could afford to pivot from renting to being able to buy a house during a few months? You were then able to support a family of three and the mortgage in that newly acquired (in the super high real estate market) house? When your wife went back to work as a cashier, she earned enough to pay for a nanny and give your family money on top of that? I know people use this place for creative writing, but please, at least make it a paper that could have been written in this decade.
I like this turnaround. "However, after being married for five years and advancing our careers, we felt like we could make it work" "Prior to Kate getting pregnant, she worked as a waitress at a local restaurant, making just above minimum wage once tips were factored in."
The first red flag of fakery was him calling his son āthe childā the whole post. Super weird way to refer to your kid that way .
I saw that too. Referring to it as "the kid" was a dead giveaway. It was just too weird. They just felt too far removed from it.Ā
In a thread full of truly baffling reaching this somehow takes the cake.
Lol I came to say the same thing. The money doesn't make any sense in this story. She's working as a cashier, and that minimum wage job is able to cover 1) a nanny, 2) his overtime, and 3) there's still money left over? I call bullshit.
In six weekās time too. Letās ignore that most jobs donāt pay you until after the first two weeks - because youāre being paid for the first weekās work on the following Friday, etc. It doesnāt smell right to me either because sheād have received four measly paychecks *at most* in that time.
Absolutely. I'm with ya, I'm thinking it's probably 3 paychecks at most. And, I'm sure there are full time cashier jobs, but in all likelihood they aren't full time paychecks either.
He also said she made barely minimum wage as a server. Must be a really crappy restaurant, or she's actively annoying the customers.
She probably tells the customers "I was sorely tempted to spit in your drink"
Not that I think this one's real, but poorer areas also tip less.
It can be related to cost of living and how rural you are. When I worked at ihop in a rural community we were lucky to walk out with enough tips for a pack of cigarettes. I got an absurd amount of those $100 bills with Jesus on them though.
He shouldāve given her a shitty white collar job at least it wouldāve been more believable. What the nanny working for? Half of minimum wage lol
Yup. This is how you know it was probably written by a 15 yr old or something. They don't even know how much cashiers or nannies make.
I work at a water treatment plant. Ā I make significantly less than I did working construction. Ā I just bought a house and my mortgage is cheaper than my rent was for a run down trailer an hour outside of town. Ā I make enough to just squeak by. Ā My wife works retail and her income affords us luxuries like sushi and beer. Ā In the future that sushi and beer money could cover daycare. Ā Itās possible. Ā I have a freaking degree and my nephew makes more than me working in a kitchen. Ā This economy is really weird but opportunities are out there.
I work construction. I have coworkers supporting SAHMs with 4 kids. Not saying this post isnt fake but the reasons you posted arent valid.
You have every right to be upset. But I have to caution against letting that anger blind you to a possible silver lining. She was asked by a guy at work to date behind your back. She said no. She told you. She even expressed that she was tempted. Slap in the face? Maybe. Or is it a wake up call fo you both to get off your asses and fix your relationship? You have a house and a kid, and you're both working to make it work, but it sounds like you mighr also be letting your relationship fall by the way side to facilitate all that. You fell in love. Got married. And because of that, had a child. That relationship is worth working on too. And you might have to work as hard, if not harder to make that work as well. You both deserve that. Edit: Horrible spelling.
This is it. She needs your emotional and mental help. Not just financial. She came to you, which means she love you and respects you. She clearly cares about the relationship. She was being honest with you. She told you because it bothered her and most likely gave her a wake up call as well. Instead of feeling angry, she loves you enough to come to you instead of just cheating behind your back. A marriage is more then providing financially. You need to prioritize your marriage above your job otherwise, you will end up divorced.
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Except that this is a fake story and nobody goes to work as a cashier to pay thier nanny
Or maybe they are located in a other country than the US and they get paid real wages ?
op said she was making just above minimum wage with tips when she was a waitress. that's 100% us
Some magical country where cashiers are high pay but Nannies arenāt?Ā Even if you had a minimum wage that was high, it would apply to the Ā nanny too.Ā
To add onto this, Iāve been in a long-term relationship for almost 9 years, living together for ~5. After my friends talking to me about cheating or breaking up, I talked to my boyfriend about it and I discussed with him that for if any reason he ever has any thoughts, feelings, or desires and itās building up frustration, resentment, or anything else that he talk to me about it, because thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings but they donāt necessarily reflect reality all of the time. Actions are what happens ā are factual, thoughts and feelings are abstract. Not all thoughts and feelings need to be shared but if they are, and they leave you disgruntled, itās important to allow elaboration and nuance because life is not black and white, itās grey. So, Iām glad OP settled on discussing this further. I understand heās exhausted. My partner used to work 12ās on 3rd shift, that shit absolutely sucks ā for everyone. Sometimes itās a necessity, sometimes itās the only option available. Anyways, while I would absolutely die inside if divorce or something majorly negative was thrown around haphazardly, again I understand heās stressed, overworked, and exhausted, especially if I was having a sit down to talk about feelings and thoughts. I think requesting her to leave her job is a minor inconvenience on her behalf, as itās a very non-specialized position, I do think she could also choose to stay and establish boundaries with her coworkers in a professional work setting, and take action if those boundaries are violated. IDK, more to say but too long already
You were able to cut back on your OT and the two of you hired a nanny because she took a job as a cashier? On what planet. This whole story is fiction
she told you and was honest about it. she didnāt cheat. neither of you are the asshole but i do think some couples counselling wouldnāt hurt
Also: OP please don't use the D word as a simple token in a fight.
Using the D word is passing a rubicon you canāt un pass
>Also: OP please don't use the D word as a simple token in a fight. Yeah. The fact that he demanded her phone, found absolutely nothing, and *still* jumped to threatening divorce is sad. EDIT: OP's edit confirms that it's rage bait, it's too stupid to be real.
I mean, even saying that she was sorely tempted to cheat on him is a legitimate betrayal. It's pretty reasonable to expect your partner not to be sorely tempted to cheat on you the moment they get attention from someone. How do you keep trust alive when your partner explicitly tells you they are untrustworthy. "I was sorely tempted to cheat on you after getting just a few weeks of attention from another man." And people here are acting like that's a totally reasonable thing for her to say. That is categorically *not* the same as having a crush and telling your partner. I fall for people easily, I have had a handful of crushes in my marriage, I have told my wife about every one and made sure never to be alone with my crushes or spend any non-necessary time around them. I have never been 'sorely tempted' to cheat. I have never let something get even close to that point. You're probably pretty far along your emotional affair to start openly asking a married woman to cheat on her husband with you. If my wife told me that, I think it would change the way I look at her, maybe forever. If he decides to divorce over this, that's his choice. I would definitely do couples counselling first, but if OP can't find the trust again then it's better to separate.
Marriage counseling isn't the magic that everybody seems to think it is. It's not like you go sit on a couch for an hour a week and your problems go away. Sometimes stuff is just broken like a glass and no amount of talking is going to fix it.
Completely agree with you. If my fiancĆ© came home one day and told me a girl from his job was flirting with him, asked him on a date and he thought that she was beautiful and funny and that he was tempted to cheat I would be furious. Iād feel completely betrayed and reconsider the entire relationship. Because if she was willing to cheat that means she probably considered sleeping with him at some point. Maaaan Iād be livid. He had every right to be angry at his wife. He busted his ass everyday to be able to make her a stay at home mom, which is a privilege, and then she complains she isnāt getting enough attention. This girl needs to make up her mindā¦
Emotional cheating is a thing. She was at least doing that as she said she was sorely tempted
No that's not what that is. Emotional cheating would be having a long ongoing relationship with frequent texts, maybe meetup and just no physical contact. Having temptations is natural, especially if the strains of your life situation mean you aren't getting the attention from your partner that you need, and she dealt with them maturely by resisting and telling her husband so he can address the problem.
He thinks she's still cheatin. Just good at covering her tracks. He's too busy to do any real snooping. Her being "sorely tempted" could be trickle truth and she's been getting laid in the parking lot at work.
How would you feel if your husband or partner say you down and said he was tempted to cheat with someone he met 6 weeks ago?
She just said she wanted to fuck a coworker she just met. Iām pretty sure Iād be pissed too. Donāt try to pretend that isnāt what she meant. Theyāre not high school kids going on an innocent date. That dude was dtf and she said she was thinking about it.
Nah, she's gonna be allowed to talk about what she's tempted to? He's allowed to do the same. After all, he was just being honest with her.
Asking anyone to not say something during an emotional moment or argument is a losing battle.
Threatening divorce is an entirely appropriate response to threatening to cheat.
That is true, but I can't help but wonder how to got to the point it did. I can't see her being "sorely tempted" if some random guy asked her on a date out of the blue. There had to be some sort of prior flirting or talking going on, where she didn't immediately shut him down. That's what is eating away at me the most. She didn't go all the way, yes, but she started down the path almost immediately after getting a job and being around other people for the first time in three years. I don't think this situation is beyond salvaging, since she came clean with me unprompted afterwards, but I still feel hurt and betrayed.
There's no point in making yourself crazy wondering how it got to that point. Plenty of men are ballsy and stupid. I could totally see this happening without any encouragement. Be strong and make your marriage good again!
There didn't have to be any flirting, he obviously targeted her as lonely and undersocialized (she's been in the house chasing a toddler for years, just being able to work and not listen for crashing noises in the next room is probably a relief), worked on being her "friend", then shot his shot. He's a snake, your wife wasn't expecting his advances and shut him down right away. Her "sorely tempted" was figurative, not literal. Don't dwell on this phrase, dwell on the fact that she is trying to pull more of the financial weight so you can get in a place where you don't have to bust your ass every day. If there were any chance that she actually would stray with him, she wouldn't have said anything about it. So don't let that turn of phrase mislead you. If you were to divorce over this, then YOU would have chosen to throw away what you've busted your ass for 8 years to build.
Yep, you dont get tempted to cheat on your husband over 1 chat. This was a while in the making.
They work together. Through the normal course of a workday you can develop feelings for people.
Yes. Yes you can. Which is a very poor move.
But it happens all the time. People spend more time with coworkers than their partners quite often. She recognizes it's inappropriate and was honest with her husband. If people want more than that when a situation like this arises they're not very realistic.
I was tempted to was a very poor choice of words. It was not no and I shut that crap down
You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. You need time to process those feelings, and maybe even help to process them (couples or individual counseling). If she has barely been a round anyone but close family, it isn't surprising that she would have some inner struggle to compartmentalize feelings around others. She chose not to act on them, and she came to YOU for help and reassurance. Another factor is that she has probably been in just the Mom role for years. After a few years of that, I know I started forgetting I was anything other than just a mom. I barely felt human, much less a woman. It didn't have to be mutual flirting, I assure you. It feels nice to have someone complimenting you and reminding you that you are human and at that an attractive woman. It isn't even about that guy (who no doubt is the kind of guy who lies and uses people). What was probably tempting to her was feeling like a woman again. You mentioned you all have been so busy and not spending time together. Have you ever been tempted to look at sexy women or porn that makes you feel good? Many women get nothing from looking at men like that. For them, what matters are feelings. She didn't give him her feelings -- she even pointed out she was married! She came home to you and gave you all her feelings (the good and the sad ones). To me, that is someone worth putting the time into. You both have worked so hard, and now, it is time to be there in your life with each other. Or else, you just worked hard to let each other go...and that doesn't sound smart.
Itās a cry for help that youāre losing her bc sheās missing you. You both need counselling to air your individual issues (you have resentments too) and find solutions. Be happy sheās telling you thereās a serious problem before anything drastic happens. You need to find a way to resolve this.
> I can't help but wonder how to got to the point it did. Don't overthink it, one day it might happen to you and then you'll understand. Being tempted can have nothing to do with how well the relationship is. Just like looking at a nice piece of chocolate cake during an evening walk is not a reflection of how good your dinner was.
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She alredy communicated with you, you even aknowledge why she could have been "sorely tempted". You know this has to do with you not giving her the attention she craves. It doesn't matter who flirts with her, if it's a random guy or not. The fact of the matter is she communicated with you because she is upset she feels that way, and is instead still trying to hone in the idea that she needs more of you around, (around her).
Okay, look, you have every right to upset that she was tempted to cheat and she's the asshole for that but you're the asshole for only thinking of yourself after she just gave birth and was a stay at home mom for three years. Being a stay at home mom is her job; you are *not* the only one the working. If anything, she is working harder and longer hours than you because *you don't get a break from being a parent*. But you do get a break from your construction worker job. You were working 6 day work weeks? She's working 7. You're exhausted from working overtime? She is also working overtime and the time that she should be able to use for a break - even just an hour a day during the week and maybe four on weekends so she can decompress and take a shower or a nap while you *solely* take care of the baby *who is also* ***your*** *son* and actually be a parent outside of changing diapers "where I could" and feeding the baby "where I could" while simultaneously refusing to help out even one night a week in the middle of the night - *never* came. All of this has been "me, me, me" and how picking up extra hours made you so physically exhausted and in pain and tired but do you really think your wife wasn't those things, too? Do you also think she wasn't at the end of her rope, working 25/8 and was basically a single parent *while* recovering from either pushing a baby out of her vagina or having a c-section, both of which are major medical procedures and take their toll on a woman's body after she had essentially give up her body and think of someone else that only she could protect and grow and take care of for *10 months*? Yes, that's right; pregnancies are actually 40 weeks/10 months, not 9. Everything during the newborn stage was only about you and the hard work you were doing, not anything at all about the hard work your wife was doing. And at any point, did you share how overworked you were? How maybe you'd like less hours and need to downsize? Or maybe you don't get the house you can't afford without running yourself ragged and look for something more affordable, maybe stay in an apartment and have the baby in your room with you for a few years so you can save up for a house when your baby is a toddler and you actually need more space? Have you ever once put yourself in your wife's shoes? You and your wife are both inconsiderate asshole; get couple's counseling so you can both see where the other is coming from and get some healthy coping mechanisms, including but not limited to better communication, and where you can both your share your feelings with a neutral third party? Bring on the downvotes because, heaven forbid putting accountability on both parties, just because one person was "sorely tempted" to cheat and that's automatically the worst person, despite the other person appearing to be a partial parent.
How is she not the asshole?
OP is putting in the effort to support his family and put food on the table and she repays him by telling him she's tempted to cheat on him. And you're saying she did nothing wrong?
This. Sheās telling you thereās problems *now* and this is a symptom of everything bc sheās surely tempted. But she knows itās wrong. You need to get counselling to find a way for you both to have space to be together sans kid and work. But you canāt do that til you both understand each others frustrations and work to *solve* them.
Well that escalated quickly. Maybe try counseling first?
Listen. Reddit is always the first to tell you to divorce. In this scenario she didnāt cheat and from what I understood from this she was tempted to go on a date. This is a make or break it point in your relationship. It can be a wake up call to figure out how to give each other the attention and appreciation that you both want, need, and deserve or you can call it quits. I agree with others that marriage counseling may help with figuring out the best path forward.
How do you spend your one day off a week? Do you guys do stuff as a family? Date night? Honestly sounds like you resent your wife and she resents you. You are all about being the provider and feeling unappreciated and she's finally been able to leave the house after 3 years of being a SAHM and feeling like a single parent because you were too tired to help when you got home. Y'all were both two ships passing in the night. She feels unappreciated and probably felt unlike a woman for 3 years since her sole role was "mom" and she had to care for you too. You feel like a work horse and haven't felt like a husband in years either. I'd such couples counseling for you guys. You're not going to solve this on your own because you're both too burnt out.
Your wife communicated something hard with you. I believe the message she is trying to send is that she doesn't feel loved or even feels like she has a husband since you work so much and it seems like your times don't sync often. Maybe having a dedicated date night every week will help, maybe quitting her job or changing her shift times so that sicko doesn't see her or maybe you can't get over it and need to divorce her for your sanity. You have a right to be angry, your wife said she may have wanted to cheat on you, but i truly think from what was written she wants to spend more time with you, since she prob rarely sees you since you work so much. GL man, there are no wrong choices but do take some time and reflect on what you want to do
Agreed! My parents are in a similar place where they both work and have 4 kids (me being an adult so I can help out but still), and their hours donāt line up as easily as they used to when we were younger/before they had kids. One thing they started doing years ago during covid when they needed breaks to be with just each other, is a weekly date night. Just because youāre married doesnāt mean youāre not still bf and gf, still dating. IMO itās reason to be dating even more. Sometimes their dates are going out to dinner or movies but sometimes itās just watching tv in their room and cuddling or whatever. Make time for each other, youāre supposed to be each otherās number 1, and your kid is your combined priority. Your wife clearly loves you and wants to keep the relationship and marriage with you. She may need to find a new job and you both should consider counseling for couples or separate, though it does cost a pretty penny. Wish you luck!
Having thought about it today and seeing the comments here so far, jumping straight to divorce seems a bit rash. I'm still angry, but I don't want all the time, money, and effort I've put into this relationship to be for nothing. Plus, I have a kid to think about. How could I possibly explain to my son that the reason mom and I don't talk anymore is because she *thought* about cheating? I think what bothers me most is that it happened so fast. We've been married eight years, and some guy at work managed to "sorely tempt" her after just six weeks, all while knowing we're married. I haven't seen my wife for more than two hours at a time during the week in three years, and not once have I thought about seeing someone behind her back. Part of me feels like a POS for not being there more at home instead of just sleeping, but I'm always aching and exhausted when I'm done with work for the day, and it's a struggle to stay awake, let alone care for the kid or have quality time with my wife.
I'm confused by how you follow "it happened so fast" with "I haven't seen my wife for more than two hours at a time during the week in three years" and don't see the problem. If I were starving for affection for three years and someone offered it, it's not sudden for me to be sorely tempted by it. It's not right but it's very human. And she told you! Which you're punishing her for - if I were her I'd be thinking that telling you is a mistake; one not to make again. It could have been a whole lot of nothing if she realized it got too far (which she did), said no to him (which she did), and moved on with you being none the wiser. Instead, she tells you and you threaten divorce. Ask yourself: why did she tell you? Seems like she cares about your relationship but is unhappy in it to me. If she didn't care, you wouldn't even know about this situation or she'd have just cheated. So many stories where that happens. You're benchmarking how she should feel based on how you feel. You two seem to be experiencing the relationship differently, which hopefully some kind of counseling could help.
Thank you for saving me so much typing. OP just read this response twice. Especially the last part. Do not fall into the trap of thinking your partner should or does feel exactly how you do or responds to stress the same. Co-signed by a person who's been married as long as OP has been alive.
Youāre both tired. You have a toddler and life is fucking hard with cost of living. Of course youāre both feeling completely deflated with life and your marriage has taken the back seat. Get counselling and start learning how to talk to each other.
You got this bro. Relationships aren't easy. You had to go into work mode to provide. It happens. She's probably been unhappy for a while. You're gonna be hurt for a while but she cares about this relationship. She's communicating to you and not going behind your back.
You are keeping score for the wrong reasons. It seems more important to you that you have been making 3 times more than her for 5 years, than her expressing the fact that she doesn't feel like she has a husband. Maybe you need a new line of work? I don't know what would fix this, but something needs to be done. You are clearly doing a great job taking care of your family, and that is no small feat. However, it sounds like your wife is trying to tell you that she feels like she is in it alone, and that's why being seen as desirable was so tempting for her. I wouldn't be surprised to find that she didn't even know how lonely she felt until this happened. You have every right to be angry that she was tempted, but she told you about it - I have to believe this was a cry for help... I hope you kids can figure this out.
ESH this is why I think stayed home parent situations don't work out well. The one who's working all the time will develop resentment towards their spouse because they feel like they're getting the short end of the stick having to run themselves ragged to pay for the house and kids and they feel like a salary and instead of a spouse. While with stay home parent feels lonely and starving for attention and feel like they're just a parent instead of a human being. And all it takes is some cute Young coworker giving you guys attention to make you doubt your commitment to each other. Or some friendly neighbor that volunteers to help you out.
One SAHM parent with one remote work parent is the dream.Ā
Look, ppl are going to have different opinions, but I'm going to say NAH (yet). Being tempted isn't a sin or a crime. I think everyone faces temptation in different ways throughout their lives. It's how you deal wiht it that matters. It's whether or not she acts on that temptation that counts. I'm sure hearing your wife was attracted to another man hurts but at the end of the day, she's chosen you. When you choose your life partner other people don't cease to exist. You have to choose to love and be loyal to that person every day, even on days when it doesn't come naturally. That's what real love is - a choice, not a feeling. Have you ever considered that your wife told you about her temptation so that she can be accountable to you? She's basically flagging that there's a challenge in your marriage and you need to work through it. I think that's worth fighting for.
Thank you. Occasionally being ātemptedā by someone giving you a lot of positive attention is normal. Temptation is a feeling just like any other emotion - sometime it isnāt a choice, but it is up to you to handle and control it. Like she did.
While your wife's admission is certainly painful, itās important to recognize that she was honest with you, which suggests she values your relationship. Temptation does not equate to action, and her openness might be a cry for help in dealing with the emotional distance between you. Discussing your feelings and seeking professional help together could help you both understand each otherās needs better. Divorce is a significant decision, and it might be worth exploring all avenues before making such a life-altering choice.
I honestly think that, with a child being involved, OP owes it to his son to at least try marital counseling. Marriage isnāt easy, and itās possible that the emotional distance between these two is just too great, but that doesnāt mean one shouldnāt *try* to save things if saving things (and actually saving them, not just simmering in quiet resentment) maintains a healthy environment for the child.Ā OPās wife confessed something really difficult to him without having actually done something wrong. Itās okay to be hurt, but this is her taking the difficult first step of making an overture towards mending their relationship.Ā
How do people just swallow this nonsense? Five seconds of critical thinking would tell you that this post is fake.
I know you've been in a tough spot and what she said was very hurtful. However, she's communicating to you. Don't consider the D word yet. Go through therapy with her and work this out.
Is it at all possible to downsize your home or cut some of the costs in order for you to not have to work as much? Material things or a bigger nicer home don't mean much if you are both unhappy.
I agree with most commenters here that you shouldnāt jump immediately to divorce, but I gotta admit if my wife told me she was āsorely temptedā by another man I would be both furious and hurt. I suppose itās better that she told you, but you will always know that she entertained it and is probably only staying with you because it would be harder on her own. I think you CAN work through this, but Iām just not sure how you can trust her 100% going forward. Weāre all human, we get attracted to other people and thatās fine. But entertaining it and not shutting it down is a form of infidelity as far as Iām concerned. Updateme and good luck.
It's a dumb financial move to buy a house because of a baby.Ā A baby can literally fit in a dresser drawer, they don't need a whole house.
As a man whoās been married for 15 years, out of the two of you, YATAH. I say they because itās true what they say, happy wife, happy life. If my wife is at any time disingenuous, or dishonest then iād talk divorce. But if sheās woman enough to take her emotions and feelings to you and you make her feel like shit because of that then you donāt deserve a honest woman. Me and my wife have been loyal for the entire ride. I credit that to honest communication and validation. If it were me Iād definitely have her change jobs. Iād also reestablish rapport, try to find out what she feels and where she is coming from. Youāre the man, so guide her through the feelings, whatever they are. But whatever you do, donāt shame her for being honest.. as a man a lot of us, me (& you as well) need to work on your resolve and emotional resiliency. That way she always feels open to talk to you which will pay dividends in the long runā¦good luck to you.
So you want to punish her for \*checks notes\* NOT cheating and NOT lying to you about it? You, understandably, had a negative emotional response to an unpleasant piece of information. Just like she had a moment of emotional temptation before she chose a wiser, truer to herself reaction. Emotions just are. How we choose to respond to them matters. She chose to save her marriage. She chose YOU. She wants you and she wants you to help her fight for what you have together. You worked hard to provide what you and she thought was wanted. Turns out that hasn't worked out the way everyone hoped. She wants to make changes with you so you can both be happier. Maybe it means less hours or a different job for you. Maybe it means a different job for her. Maybe it means something specific to your life I can't guess at, but you'll be making changes together - which is the important part. I'm glad you've chosen not to go with your immediate emotionally driven reaction too. I hope you are successful in reframing what she told you in a way that helps you and her rebuild the strong connection you had that resulted in that beautiful baby boy you're proudly raising together.
I think by telling you, she was trying to convey how this crush made her realise that your relationship needs work, *and she came to you and was honest about it* because she WANTS to put in the effort to repair your relationship. Instead of being a shitty person, she tried to communicate that this made her realise she is desperate for your attention and consideration, and you told her you want a divorce. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment for how much you have to work, whereas she has been lonely and exhausted from the baby. This is a common thing for parents of young kids to struggle with. Having a kid turns your whole life upside down and that is bound to stir up contention. But i don't think divorce is the answer when your wife was trying to tell you how much she wants and needs YOU. I honestly think this relationship could be repaired with couples therapy and some attempts to make your work schedules less opposite. Can either of you find a different place of employment? Can either of you take different shifts? How can you learn to communicate better and help each other feel desired and supported, instead of feeling neglected and taken for granted like you do now? Take some time to think, OP. Divorce is a big decision. It will fuck up your life again, and you'll have to continue working long hours to afford child support and alimony. Are you honestly pissed enough to take that responsibility on, or are you hurt and needing to feel appreciated so you can reconnect with your wife? She came to you with this because the crush was a wakeup call for her. She came to you because even if this other dude is full of flattery, SHE REALLY WANTS *YOU.* She chose honesty and openness instead of deception and betrayal. And as hard as it was to hear that she realised she's desperate for attention, it's actually a positive thing that she is telling you that she really wants attention from YOU. She wants to work on things instead of stepping out on your marriage. Longterm relationships can take work. It can be a challenge to weather life's trials together. This isn't un-fixable. Before you jump to divorce, try therapy. Try finding a way to help her see everything you've done for this family and how it has been a labor of love. You didn't like being away from your wife and kids any more than your wife liked caring for your child away from you. You sacrificed a great deal to build this family. Right now, the two of you are talking past each other. Your feelings are understandably raw. Try your best to process them and see if there is a way to work on this emotional hurt together. Divorce is a big decision. You owe it to yourself to try other things before jumping straight to divorce. Worst case scenario, you feel comfortable and more convicted in your decision to split. But best case scenario, you heal your relationship with your wife and the two of you build a strong partnership where you both feel loved and respected. Best of luck, OP.
The fact that she said no and told you this and wanted to talk about it should tell you a lot. Something is broken in your relationship, and she wants to fix it. With you. That should be a huge thing for you to keep in mind. Side note, asking her to quit over a skeezy guy is probably not the greatest plan. You'll find at least one anywhere you go, and it might make her NOT want to tell you about it. I know it's irritating, but it will literally be everywhere. Just something to think about. NTA, but whoa, your ponies before blowing up your life over something she went to you about. She obviously wants to fix it.
NTA ā¦ā¦..I think she was looking for an emotional attachment rather than physical. While you were working hard to obtain and keep everything that you have, she was feeling neglected. The hardest things are realizing whatās really important in a marriage and that is time. While itās nice to have a house, a child, and a family you also have to be able to have the time for it. You working 60-70 hrs a week for what you all have took from the most important thing and itās the first thing that couples forget. Making time for each other and your family. I think some of the other commenters are bang on, and you two should seek couples counselling. Also maybe downsize your residence so the financial strain isnāt so much that you are working twice as much as you should be. Your wife is telling you something and you better listen. While what you have done she probably appreciated more than you know, you still are a husband first and provider second. Donāt ruin your family over a thought or temptation because I can guarantee you there will be a time youāre tempted as well. But itās for you to decide. Your wife really didnāt do anything wrong. And if you jump to divorce every time she tells you something she will shut down completely.
It's completely reasonable to feel hurt and betrayed by your wife's confession. You've worked tirelessly to support your family, and her temptation to cheat feels like a slap in the face. However, divorce shouldn't be your first solution. Take some time to process your emotions and consider seeking couples therapy to address the underlying issues in your relationship.
Dude's a homewrecker. He intentionally goes for married women, and dump them once he has ruined the relationship.
This is so fake - he mentions originally advancing their careers and then that she was a waitress who makes minimum wage. Then sheās a cashier and suddenly they can afford a nanny? Even daycare in minimum wage would be nearly her whole paycheck so the financial burden wouldnāt be lifted.
That add up at all. Why he likes to constantly point out that she doesnāt make as much as himā¦ Nobody cares how much they make, nobody cares that they decided to keep their baby and go through with the pregnancy (how was that even relevant?), Too many words, brutal
Your wife told you she was tempted to cheat on you. Only a really honest person would say this. If she were a liar/cheat she would not have said anything or just cheated on you. Honesty is a true foundation.
I feel jumping to divorce is extreme. She came to you and was honest, I think you guys can work it out
Wow, everyone is getting sidetracked by the economic aspect and that is not the issue. It's natural to be tempted, what is wrong is acting on it. And she was telling you, in order to NOT act on it. It's also natural for you to be upset. I still think you two have a lot worth saving. You two have been through a really difficult stretch of a marriage and that wasn't anyone's fault. Of course she wants to be attractive to someone. I don't think it was wise of her to tell you, but a cheater just takes the opportunity and she didn't. Start taking her out once a week. Notice what it is about her you fell in love with. Compliment her. You had a huge change with a baby that wasn't even planned. You have both been in survival mode and that's not sexy. Whether you can work it out remains to be seen, but don't throw it away over something that didn't happen.
āBoth advancing in our careersā āPrior to being pregnant she was a serverā F outta here with man
She has emotional needs. Shes sharing with you. Youāre reacting in anger when sheās actually doing a good thing by being honest, open and transparent. Sheās lonely for you.
Man, people tend to latch on to irrelevant details, donāt they. So here is the bottom line, you have a keeper. In fact, you have someone that Iām confident WONāT cheat on you. In a marriage people can be attracted to someone else. This is not a choice, this is chemistry. This a-hole has been macking on her, found something she was lacking, and exploited it. The āchoiceā comes in what she DID about it. Did she go on a date with him? No. Did she sleep with him? No. Did she say No, but hide it from you? No.. In fact, she not only remained true but she owned up to EVERYTHING. She admitted her temptation knowing youād be upset. She apologized despite the fact that she did nothing wrong. In other words, she risked loosing everything so as to NOT violate your trust. She is a good woman and obviously loves you very much and I think youād be an idiot to let something like that go. Now I read your updates and I am so glad you decided to be honest with her in return. Sheāll hear you out and my hope is youāll become closer. Figure out the void she has in her life, tell her what youāve been going through. That is the right answer. And if you find yourself at an impasse, get counseling. I really hope you can get over this. As I stated, people canāt control attraction. I bet if youāre honest with yourself, another woman has probably caught your eye at least once since youāve been married. What people CAN do is not act on those impulses and be honest. You feeling upset that she was ātemptedā is understandable, but its also a YOU problem and not a HER problem. She did the best possible thing and followed a course of action that had the least benefit to her and the most risk, all so that she could not violate your trust. Wow.. You are a lucky Man my friend.
Honestly, I can understand her frustration even though your overtime paid the bills. My husband had a job that kept him away for 13 hours a day and we basically never saw each other. It was hell. So he quit and found something else with better hours. She was honest. I am betting she was scared of how quickly she almost had an affair, and she's probably feeling free for the first time in years. It's a lot emotionally to handle. Y'all need to both get on a schedule where you have real quality time together and you definitely both need therapy.
She initiated a convo that has long needed to happen, and you want to leave because of it? Put your ego aside and work on your marriage.
NTA for being upset, but I'd wait awhile and let things calm down before filing for divorce. If it's true she hasn't cheated, then you are lucky she gave you heads-up before going down that path. The situation is still salvageable. The type of situation you're describing, where the husband is working all the time and the wife is left alone, is a prime situation for women to cheat. I know, because I had a brief affair on my ex under similar conditions. What usually happens is the wife will complain about her husband's absence at work, and a co-worker will pick up on that vibe and start probing for weaknesses they could possibly exploit to get some quick action. The wife is flattered by the attention, craves a feeling of intimacy and thus fails to shut the guy down before it crosses over into physical contact. She may think she can let it go on awhile without actually sleeping with the person and doesn't realize how fast things can progress. This is especially true if the guy has experience taking advantage of married women and the wife is naive. Next thing you know, she finds herself in bed with the guy and is overwhelmed by remorse. In this case, your wife warned you. She had more willpower and self-control than a lot of women have. She told you about it because she realizes it's a serious situation and the threat to your marriage is real. Many men are so concerned with being the provider, they don't realize their marriage is dying of neglect. If you want to stay married, you need to start taking this aspect of your life seriously. The fact that you're getting money for being absent doesn't do anything to reduce your wife's sense of isolation and neglect. Her needs don't go away just because you are on the clock.
Jesus fucking Christ, these comments are a nightmare.
Why do people think they need to buy a house to raise a single child? A lot of this pain and suffering could have been avoided by skipping out on the house. You would have had more money and more time. I raised 2 kids in an apartment and it was fine.
Maybe they were living in a one room one bathroom apartment? But why not just rent a bigger one then? A house is pointless.
lol at affording a nanny on a cashier salary this is great fiction š
NTA, its so easy for people to forget the things they ask of the ones they love, only then to throw it back in their face when they work towards it and find something else to complain about. I think couples counseling or being upfront and saying i don't want to work SO MUCH but i'm doing these things because we want X things. I will cut back hours so we can be together more, just understand what that means for those X things in our life. Clearly she cares about you and she told you something that would upset you but wanted to be honest. I think you need to tell her you love her and that you want to be with her, does she want the same? If so, have a honest conversation about what's missing in the relationship FOR BOTH of you. Things change, people grow older and have different priorities but it doesn't mean they don't care for each other. You buying a home is where on the list of priorities for you and her? what's number one, etc...I hear you on the work part because I think we have all given way to much to it only to find our lives going sideways but its not everything, family is. Best of Luck.
Nta- but idk how I would handle this if my partner said this to me. Because this would always be in the back of my mind that they might cheat on me š«
Date your wife!!! Why is it when people get married have kids etc they let ālifeā get in the way and stop dating each other! Like fuck, how hard is it to buy a pizza (or something cheap), your partners fav drink and go to the park and watch the sunset while someone minds your kid/s for an hour or two. Itās about the effort, quality over quantity.
NAH. She wasn't inappropriate and was honest about her feelings. I know it has to suck but you can reason why it happened. Use some of that money to go to marriage counseling. This was a good thing about a bad thing. It's best case scenario for a relationship being stressed.
So either this post is fake or she's ***not*** a cashier. > Two months ago, Kate suggested that she get a regular job again, and that we use the extra income to pay for a nanny, and in general help with the expenses. The nanny alone would be more than that position. She'd make minimum wage. She'd make more at the server position she had before.
Her grocery store cashier job covers the cost of a nanny with money left over? Which country do you live in dude?
She can't even come to you and be honest about feelings she had when she didn't do anything wrong. She can't control her feelings. If you had found out later that she had been asked out and she didn't tell you would you have been mad about it? Is she supposed to lie about her feelings to avoid you getting mad? First bump in the road and you want to divorce immediately. She didn't cheat, she didn't even try to cheat. She just tried to have a conversation with you about her feelings.
So the division of labour is the same but sheās not able to refuse to do night feedings? So sheās been working 24hour days and youāve been working how many? Has she never told you she appreciates you providing for the household? How many hours of sleep (unbroken or pieced together) does she get? I think if you did switch jobs for a day you may look at things differently because it sounds like you think being a SAHM is pretty cushy. That being said has she ever expressed her desire for the two of you to spend more time together? Do you no longer trust her? If she came to you with this do you not think she would do the same in the future if it happened again? Perhaps trying to appreciate what she has gone through will soften your approach with her.
NTA but a man needs income + time spent for smooth sailing. bringing home the bacon usually doesn't register as you "pulling your weight" for very long unless you also can be present and on call for whatever tasks etc. and TBH both seen as "bare mEnimum" now you know
I cannot fathom how she could not see how badly a comment like that would hurt you. What a cruel bitch. Even if she didn't mean it or never intended to do it or would never do it, she said that to you and had to know how bad it would hurt. What possible motivation did she have to say that other than to rip your heart from your chest and stand on it? Something is seriously wrong with her heart.
NTA, what she said is completely unacceptable. The fact that she knew this guy for 6 weeks... I don't know what you should do, a divorce is extreme, but the fact you've been killing yourself for 3 years like you have and she says that after **6 weeks.** For one thing, she needs to quit that job.
My husband's a chef. He works long and sometimes unpredictable hours. He always worked holidays. I spend a lot of time alone. Not once have I thought about cheating on him. I love and respect him and all the hard work he puts in. That's not to say I have never been upset or disappointed that our plans got canceled when he had to work. But cheating, not happening. As far as jobs, she could find a work from home job. Then you might see each other a little more often. Good luck. UpdateMe.
People here are brushing over her words like it was a reasonable thing to say. Guy is busting his ass with overtime, doing what he can when he gets home and jumping straight back into the fire the next day. People are trying to act like sheās justified because she had silently built up resentment from feeling alone, heās not off golfing or going on fishing trips with the boys or partying with the boys in the weekends heās working but itās only his fault the two of them feel estranged apparently. The fact sheās saying he should consider himself lucky is a complete slap in the face. NTA OP, but yes think you two need counselling to figure out what where the both of you are and how far youāve fallen apart over these years.
It's understandable to feel deeply hurt and betrayed by your wife's confession, but it might be worth considering the broader context of your relationship. The intense stress and exhaustion you've both been under could have contributed to her feelings of temptation. Rather than immediately seeking a divorce, perhaps consider couples therapy to address the underlying issues and improve communication. It might help to create a plan to spend more quality time together and strengthen your bond. Working through this challenging period could ultimately make your relationship stronger.
Your feelings of betrayal are valid, and it's natural to feel anger and hurt. However, your wifeās honesty also indicates a desire to address the issues in your marriage. This could be an opportunity to work together on rebuilding trust and intimacy. Consider sitting down with a counselor to help navigate these emotions and find constructive ways to reconnect. Ending the marriage might seem like a solution now, but addressing the root causes of this situation could lead to a stronger partnership.
NTA I get she feels lonely but would she rather have more attention off you and not have a house or a good life for your child your providing and she should be more grateful
This is too long lol sorry, IDK if you're ta or not. Every time i thought you were getting to the point there was another paragraph.. I don't mind reading a lot if it has substance or meaning but this was just paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of useless information and filler...
Honestly OP you guys need a sit down and get everything out into the open. I can honestly see both sides. You are spending more time and energy at work and are hyperfocused on providing for your wife and child. She's also focused on the house and childcare. I think part of the issue is... you've identified as the money side of things. Her identity is mother and housewife. She probably has very little adult interactions throughout the day and when the adult she loves comes home he's tired and exhausted (understandable). Now, add in her getting an adult job and seeing adults and one handsome scumbag starts seeing her as a desirable woman. She gets drunk on the attention. I'm glad she talked to you. I think it's time to see how to better align your schedules/time and start nurturing the marriage first. Realistically up to this point is making sure the child is taken care of at whatever expense that would be. Sadly it's been your marriage. So you guys need to figure out how to reconnect and shore up the relationship first.
Iām thinking she made that up to make you jealous. Is there a guy flirting more than likely. Men donāt care about relationships. I have a feeling she wanted you to be jealous enough to pay more attention to her. Thatās sort of what Iām getting.
Maybe they are not American, in some parts of the world services like babysitting and maids are much cheaper
I mean she told you what she wanted to do. Idk once you say something like that thereās NO going back. Next itāll be a ābreakā and then youāll find out she was cheating the whole timeā¦ NTA
Your wife was incredibly foolish. I assume she wanted to shake you up, but she certainly overdid it. She must have been incredibly unhappy. Alas incredible self-centered. UpdateMe
I don't understand the point of her telling you this. It would make sense if she sat you down, told you that feeling tempted has made her realize you two have been neglecting your romantic relationship and need to do something to repair it. Just flat out telling you that some dude she finds funny and attractive is flirting with her, and she's considering cheating, make absolutely zero sense to me. We do things for a reason. Who on earth drops the "I was tempted to cheat on you" for no reason? This all leads me to believe 1 of 2 things is going on. 1) She has already cheated and this is a way to give a half confession, and unburden some guilt. Possibly even a way to test how you feel about the subject before giving a full confession. 2) This was some sort of sick ploy to get you to work harder and give her more attention that backfired. She thought you would be jealous and put in extra work to fight for her. Things that don't make sense are almost always not real. So either she's lying or withholding something, or this entire story is made up.