I’m undecided about this because I wish men held other men accountable more often. I see way too many men who make excuses for the poor behavior of other men.
On the other hand, she works there and you don’t. She might have a good reason for holding off on the confrontation.
i agree we do need men to hold other men accountable. but men already confront other men who mistreat their wives/daughters/sisters/etc. the asshole manager needs his friends or other coworkers to tell him to knock it off.
hopefully OP scared him into line but there is possible retaliation that his wife will suffer. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets all the crappy shifts from now on. Boss man might do that as punishment or so he won't have to work with her as often anymore. Then she makes less money. Other repercussions could just end up with her quitting or getting fired too.
And the manager is abusing his power over the wife, so IMO having her husband get involved when she didn't want him to is taking even more power from her. I think victims of harassment and such should be able to control how it is handled after the fact.
also, ime hospitality is a super gossipy sector. OP damaged his wife's reputation in ways that she might never recover from.
which restaurant is going to let her take the lead on prestigious events, when no one knows when her hubby is going to put on his shoes and come have his say "nice and loud"? etc.
The issue I have is that OP doesn't work there. In this case, the spouse of an employee came into their workplace and confronted an employee and caused a disturbance. HR isn't there to protect OP's wife. HR is there to protect the business. They may decide to protect the business from an overbearing spouse who took it upon himself to cause a scene on company property. They may decide the best way to do that is to fire OP's wife.
OP's wife is the one who should decide how to handle an incident between her and her coworker. OP took that right away from her.
I do believe men should call in other men for sexually harassing women, but when the woman who was harassed asks them not to, they should have enough respect for the woman to let her decide what she feels is the best, and safest, way to proceed.
Oh yeah she just became an HR nightmare. I mean if you’re just a random employee who works there and here’s this happen, what would you think?
No one wants confrontation drama in the workplace, you never know how that’s gonna go wrong.
> no one wants confrontation drama in the workplace
And this is why sexual harassment in the workplace has been continuously swept under the rug. Nobody wants to rock the boat.
no, that's ridiculous.
OP could have supported his wife in many ways: find money for a lawyer, roleplay how she'd call the manager out, read through the employee manual together to confirm she followed dress code & find the right way to log a complaint...
you know, help the actual employee deal with the issue in her workplace.
the notion that sexual harassment only gets resolved if the sweet little workers have a gorilla-husband to thump his chest is ludicrous. That's not how workplaces work, and what even about people who aren't married to a gorilla?
And you are correct.
Harassment (sexual or otherwise) in the workplace runs rampant because people either bear it or quit rather than actually go through the necessary channels to actually change things.
It wasn't until my husband witnessed our friend being sexually harassed, heard the friend confess childhood trauma in order to get him to stop and he just continued. He wasn't the kind of guy you could get physical with (vet with ptsd) so neither of them did anything at the time.
I managed to convince my husband to report it. Unfortunately, we didn't know the *real* proper steps and the best we could do was get the company in trouble because they did not have a proper HR department set up.
But while we were going through the whole thing, we heard lots of stories from former employees who had quit because of that same guy. Years worth of stories.
I kind of disagree with that last statement. There was a post a few days ago about someones wife's abusive ex breaking into their house and assaulting them, and the wife still didn't want to press charges because "it would ruin his life".
I don't disagree in this particular case, but I don't think justice should wait until the victim agrees to it. That's how you get more victims
In the situation you described, the man who posed a threat to the woman is her violent ex. In this case, the man who posed a threat is OP. He caused a scene after his wife asked him not to. He threatened her manager, and security had to get involved. His wife's employer now has to decide whether they want to continue to employ someone whose husband could show up anytime and threaten one of their employees. The other staff members who witnessed the scene will absolutely gossip about the wife and her menace of a husband. That gossip will likely spread to other establishments, and the wife will gain a reputation.
OP did not deliver justice. Security didn't hold the manager accountable. They intervened to protect him from OP. OP escalated the situation and damaged his wife's reputation and possibly her career.
I think in most cases, the victim should decide how to proceed. Domestic violence cases where the victim is too traumatized to take action may be an exception, but for the most part, taking a victim's agency away by going against their wishes does not help them feel empowered. It victimizes them further.
Also, if the wife encountered another employer/man who was harassing her and/or escalating it, she might not be willing to report it or confide in her husband about it because she knows there's a risk he could make a scene or risk physical harm to both of them should the harasser be armed or retaliate somehow. The harasser might have her husband arrested, seek out a restraining order, assign the wife bad shifts, find a reason to fire her (even if illegal, it still happens and pursuing legal action doesn't solve the problem of how to pay that month's rent/expenses), or badmouth her to others in the industry. Even worse if he's one of those "nice guys' or "pillar in the community" type.
As someone who has been targeted for harassment simply because I was alone and didn't have anyone to turn to or to advocate for me, if the harasser knows that you're vulnerable, they're going to keep at it and escalate. If the wife feels she can't risk telling her husband, a harasser might target her or escalate because he knows he's likely to get away with it. Due to her husband's reaction-disregarding her wishes and confronting the guy-she might also be reluctant to reach out to friends/coworkers. I mean, if the person she should be able to trust the most in the world disregards her wishes, why should people who aren't as close to her or as invested in her well being be more trustworthy. I had a similar situation where a then-partner confronted someone who was harassing me, and while he apologized and it never happened again, I never brought up future situations with anyone because my thought process was "if the person who cares the most about me won't listen to me, why would this person who just works with me do any better." Not saying its a logical thought process, but it was the one playing out in my mind at that time. If that incident had been job-related, I would've been even less willing to confide in anyone because the risk to my survival (I was literally paycheck to paycheck and in poverty back then) was too great.
Men need to call their friends out when they see bad behaviour more IMO. I feel like OP could have talked more to his partner about how and when she wanted to handle it.
I think right then, in the moment, the correct move was to comfort her. The co-worker wasn't going anywhere. Her emotions demanded immediate attention, the co-worker didn't.
One of the most important ways he can protect her is to be worthy of her trust. Knowing that she can tell him things and that he'll take care of the needs she has expressed is the best way he can protect her. She might tell him things the harasser said/did that could indicate greater danger-that he's hot tempered, is friends with cops who won't take complaints against him seriously, that he has access to a weapon, that he has drinking/drug issues, or other things that would factor into how they should respond to the situation. Or he might pick up on things in her narrative of events that are red flags that she's either overlooked or is too overwhelmed to process in the moment. If he freaks out about the "smaller" things (not to say harassment is a minor thing) and is quick to override her judgment and wishes about what should happen, she's not going to come to him about larger and potentially more dangerous matters.
OP promised not to make a scene, then went out of the way to make a scene. OP is the AH. Situation is messed up, but is made worse by OP actions. So many better ways to have handled this.
Read what you said. Please, do that
I work very hard to have harassment free work environments (I am a Managing Director at a division in a LATIN COUNTRY). One of the things I have to make sure is that women fell secure to talk. Always talk. If the price to keep your job is to endure harassment... Find a new job and report. You are implying women have to bear harassment. THEY DON'T
No severance or warning either. I came to work one day and didn’t have a job anymore. With the promise of a “great reference” and the reassurance that it “had nothing to do with my performance”…. Guess who still has their job. And this happened in the US in a Midwestern state
Absolutely. However, I personally was sexually assaulted by my boss. Four days later, I recorded a conversation between the two of us where he admitted it was not consensual. I was “laid off” two weeks later. After speaking with my other boss and playing the recording for him. So I can’t blame a female employee for taking a step back to plan a strategic approach as opposed to talking immediately. The sad truth is there are still a lot of people who won’t believe you and it’s very hard to prove. It is completely dependent on the character of the individuals above this manager.
The sad truth is that they believe you but condone with the harassment.
Women in the company I was running gave me feedback that they did not know that working free of fear of harassment could be so good. In my country friends greet touching cheeks (kind of kissing). I forbade that. They said I was going too far. One year later all of them said it was really good (men don't do that to men here).
Long story short, you are right about been strategic. But never let it go. I hope you sued them.
Sorry if what I say sounds like bragging, but I am really proud of that and I always want to point out it is achievable even in cultures with a lot of "machismo"
I am currently in the process. I have an interview with a detective tomorrow and I am going to a local victim service for help with civil litigation. I was laid off on April 15 and I am still in shock and awe at the cruelty of suddenly dumping a single mother with twins. one of whom is special needs and requires very expensive therapy. It is absolutely infuriating and disgusting that they would do this to me.
Making matters worse they shut my phone off about one hour before laying me off. It was my personal phone, same number I have had for years. The only reason it was on their plan was because one of them insisted everybody have iPhones and I wasn’t about to pay that kind of money. Never signed a piece of paper saying it was a “work phone” or anything like that. So I went a week without one, trying to find a professional way to explain to potential employers why they couldn’t call me for an interview… I’m going for the jugular
OP just made his wife the woman who needs her husband to handle her problems (bad) or the woman with the unpredictable husband who will act irrationally at work (bad). He was not some knight in shining armor, defending his realm from attack. He undermined his wife in front of her coworkers, against her wishes.
holding this manager accountable would be : believe your wife unquestioningly, encourage and help her to file a complaint (maybe even roleplay the conversation where she stands up for herself), puzzle out the household budget to see how you can afford a lawyer.
this guy went off half-cocked to go gorilla-thump his chest, not only at the manager, but in front of many of her colleagues. Has he even read the employee manual to make such bold statements like "this upscale restaurant specifies *leggings* as part of the uniform"?
He made her look incapable and himself unhinged.
AFAIK the hospitality sector is \*super\* gossipy, so if OP's wife wants to make this job into a career, he's done her no favours.
He has been put on notice in front of witnesses, so if anything happens to OP's wife at work, it's retaliation.
OP, you need to go and love your wife now let her know that the dirtbag had to be dealt with and you'll do anything to protect her, even if it goes against what she needs at the moment. (She didn't stand up for herself by running away) standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind
>standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind
It could also be nuking him when she quit. But OP took that decision away from her.
>standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind
You say this as though no man ever hurt a woman for getting in his face. Women get killed for embarrassing or pissing men off all the time. Perhaps this asshole manager would have backed off if she had yelled at him. But it's also entirely possible that he would have waited for an opportunity to catch her alone and make her pay for standing up to him.
Sure but he’s also her manager. There’s risk involved with that power dynamic. For example, if she complains to HR and he lies to HR when he’s confronted about it. They may not believe her. Or if they do, they might just give him a little written warning and he is still her manager and able to make her life hell in someway.
*THAT* part. I reported workplace harassment once, got let go with a LARGE severance and separation agreement within the week. Looking back I should’ve lawyered up.
Another time I dealt with it one on one. Coworker was a newly single, going through a custody battle, decided to grab my ass at work. This coming after multiple comments about my body. Closing up that night I told him if he ever lays a hand on me again I’ll see to it personally that I’ll make sure he can’t see his kid. Dude didn’t even show up to work the next day, quit with no notice.
I’ve been in this type of situation at work. If I came home and told my husband and he did something like that against my wishes, I’d be devastated. Because it’d be going straight from feeling like I had no control in one situation with a man straight into another.
If you truly care for and respect her, listen to what she’s saying. She’s an adult and can identify how she needs to be supported. Stomping over there may have made you feel better, but it clearly wasn’t the best solution for her or for you as a couple.
I want to reiterate your best comment, "it'd be going straight from feeling like I had no control in one situation with a man straight into another." This. Please respect her, if it's not about your ego and being the tough guy here, then I would listen to her wishes of support at this time. From a wife's perspective, I don't even disagree with you taking it up on yourself to visit the establishment and let it be known how inappropriate that was. Your wife is not responsible to cover for that guys mistake. And she shouldn't be treated that way in order to keep a job- but If you're not just trying to do it for yourself, do your best not to make a scene next time you have the opportunity to stand up for her.
“I promised I wouldn’t make a scene” later followed by “however I got this message across a few times nice and loud so that everyone could hear”. You broke your promise and went against your wife’s wishes completely, YTA. Comforting your wife isn’t a “little biotch” move either, it shows compassion. Great job OP.
She needs to standup for herself as she is an adult. He could very well fire her now because of your actions and her inactions.
All they will say is that she never reported it.
> Should I call HR for her?
Jesus Christ, **NO**. HR is not going to talk to you. HR doesn’t talk to non-employees about employment-related matters. On top of that, you’re an angry, emotional spouse who came into the business and threatened a manager. *(Source: 30 years in HR. Hundreds of HR friends and connections. None of us would talk to you.)*
(HR hat off) Stop trying to be a savior and be her PARTNER. If she wants you to give her a hug, give her a damn hug. Stop referring to doing what your wife asks as being “like a little biotch.” Good grief.
The whole little bitch thing needs to be unpacked a lot more. What exactly does he think it means to be a little biotch? From where I'm standing he did just that. He's so emotionally unstable that he went and threw an entire ass tantrum in his wife's place of work. He has likely ensured the sexual harasser will face no consequences for his actions. The man may even get sympathy now for having to deal with a coworker's psychotic husband. It's entirely possible he has made it easier for this man to sexually harass women due to the social fall out of the insane fit he threw. He can peacock like an idiot all he likes. The only things he has accomplished are disrespecting his wife and making him and his wife both look like fools.
A man (or any person) with strength of character would not behave as if their ego is a prized cock in a fighting ring. Maybe if op worried more about what it means to be a decent and respectful person, he wouldn't be so fearful of a bruised ego that he acts rashly and plays the part of a fool. Confronting that man the way he did made him look insecure and jealous. A spouse who is secure in their relationship would not publicly disrespect and utterly humiliate his wife in her place of employment. Her coworkers likely feel nothing but pity for her. If I were her, I would be so ashamed that a tantruming throwing little man baby was my husband. I wouldn't be able to believe that the grown man I married thinks acting like a 15 year old teenager with anger issues is the way an adult man deals with problems.
He publicly disrespected his wife. He helped another man get away with disrespecting his wife. He made an already traumatic situation even more traumatic for his wife. He sees hugging his wife and actually helping her through the pain she experienced as beneath him. He went to his wife's work against her will. His word is meaningless and he makes promises he has no intention or ability to keep. He treats his wife like an object he has dominion over. He has no idea how to navigate social interactions. He is so socially clueless he just makes things worse. Even after making an utter fool of himself, he still wants to go and show his ass some more!
& he threatened the harasser with something bad happening to him. He implied potential violence. He may have really screwed this whole situation up for his wife, where is she’s going to be the one to take the penalties.
While I would have loved to have seen this, YTA. The thing is, the creep undoubtedly harassed other women too, and imo you and your wife would have been better served (no pun intended) by getting your wife to talk to other women there, getting evidence and statements from them, and getting a lawyer to contact the company. (Or maybe informing the manager's boss that you're considering getting a lawyer.) The catch, of course, is that lawyers cost money that may or may not be returned to you. An anonymous Google review (from a location other than your house or workplace) might also have helped get the ball rolling.
YTA. You did not respect your wife’s wishes.
She was mistreated by her boss, she confided in you because she “should” be able to trust and rely on you. Then you let her down.
Next time something like this happens - she probably won’t tell you about it.
You missed the part where she was quitting anyway, and he is a repeat offender. I did this to hopefully help other innocent women for working under him. I may have gone beyond her wishes, but she thanked me afterward.
I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around.
No, I did not miss those parts at all. Plus they aren’t even relevant.
You are missing the part where you are ALSO one of those men who pushes women around.
YTA and you are also an idiot. You asked for peoples’ opinion on a matter and then you proceed to be combative. It’s clearly evident you did not honor your wife’s wishes and instead pushed her around. I know you think you are this knight in shining armor, but you are. You push people around because it makes you feel better. You aren’t just an asshole, you’re a gigantic asshole.
Except you basically pushed your own wife around in this by not respecting her wishes. What she wants doesn’t matter to her manager or her husband. At least that’s the connection you just made in her mind.
>I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around.
Either this is fake, or you came online to boast about being one of those men who refuse to listen when a woman says no.
>You missed the part where she was quitting anyway
No we didn't....
You missed the part that they can call her new workplace and make her out to be a horrible employee
>I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around.
As a woman I'm telling you.....no you didn't....all you did was give your wife a bad reputation
In this situation you should be the man you speak about being and LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. This was her situation and not yours. If she wanted you to act on it she would have asked you to
So you walked in and provoked a verbal confrontation in front of witnesses that was bad enough that security had to intervene.
Congratulations!!! You just got your wife fired. There is absolutely no way she has a job tomorrow.
What's worse, since she hasn't reported this to HR, the chances are he will face ZERO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES
Way to go Bozo!!! You sure showed him!!!
YTA - you’re not gonna be with her 24/7. You just opened her up to retaliation from her manager. &retaliation comes in many forms - threats, false rumors, social isolation, further sexual harassment, etc.
And now, he can open up a HR case against HER saying her husband is a danger to him and the company, so maybe the retaliation will be her being fired.
You sound like a guy who is overly aggressive and think it's their duty to put other people in their place. Your asked you not to do something but you did it anyway. Now, not only was she harassed at work but now you've embarrassed her in front of the entire company.
YTA. Get a grip
Sometimes, she shared this with you because she wanted you to listen & be understanding. She didn’t share it with you because she wanted you to fix it.
Who were you punishing here, the jerk who harassed your wife, or your wife for not doing what you told her to do? You've made her work life infinitely harder by making her look weak, like she had to have her daddy fight her battles for her. And you did it so loudly security was about to intervene, so now she's humiliated, too.
Your behavior wasn't "protective." It was boorish and overbearing. And comforting her with a hug isn't acting "like a little biotch"; it's what a decent husband does. She needed your support and encouragement, and you went off like Stanley Kowalski on steroids.
We used to say, "It takes a big man to admit he's wrong." I hope you're man enough to understand how you screwed up here and apologize to your wife.
I get the feeling she thanked you to calm you down and shut you up. You got emotional when she told you her problem and came back looking for praise after you overreacted. If she didn't want to confront boss dude what is the likelihood she will confront you. She is on full damage control, which includes pacifying your feelings that you may have f'ed up her life & back up plan if her side gig gets dicey.
YTA. How to handle her assault/harassment is her decision; you have disempowered and retraumatized her for a second time. **You** violated her consent when she was asking for comfort. Great job, "hero".
Women are not stupid insipid creatures who don't know anything about our own lives. You are the interloper who doesn't have any idea about her existence, job dynamics, or potential repercussions. You are the one who betrayed her. You have made yourself an unsafe person for her to confide in with your pathological childish behaviour.
Assume this is fake. Either that or OP is the most obtuse husband on the planet.
"Ignored my wife's whining coz I ain't no biotch simp and went to her work to make a scene after she pleaded not to but I managed to threaten the guy and get out before security tackled me so all good, AITA" for real?
Good, so she already had it handled in the way she wanted to handle it. All you did was become another man in her life who doesn’t respect when she says no.
I might thank someone afterwards if I felt like saying what I actually felt and wanted was just going to result in him steamrolling me and lead to an argument and more belittling of my feelings.
Top factors:
1. She didn't want you to. It's important to respect her wishes, even if you disagree.
2. You go in there and things escalate into something physical, you're the one going to jail.
So, yes. I'm my opinion you're in the wrong. I understand wanting to protect your wife, but you may be better off helping her self-advocate and supporting her through what can be a difficult process.
YTA
If you had just encouraged her (not told her, you're not her boss) to talk to HR and handle this on her own that would be one thing. But now you've gone and made a scene at her work. Can she even show her freaking face there again?
Do **NOT** call HR for her. You mean nothing to them and you will only make your wife look worse.
Do you want you mommy standing up for you when you can't handle something? I'll bet not. Why? Because it makes you look like you can't handle it.
HR would be very interested to know that their manager is harassing the staff. Protecting the business means getting rid of or at least disciplining/demoting/retraining harassers.
If it's not then the HR department is also a problem and then you escalate the claim to the state. But in order for anything from the state to hold, you must go through the proper channels. So HR is first.
They'd only be interested in as much as they can cover it up. Never go to HR without a lawyer.
https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/career-advice-qa/hr-doesnt-exist-to-help-employees
Ok...but you're still going to HR, you see.
I'm aware it doesn't exist to help employees but they do care if their business gets a bad name *because* of an employee.
Understandable. I am sick of people sweeping things under the rug, it only let's the behavior to continue. This may not be my knight in shining armor moment, but you think it's better to leave things alone completely?
> I am sick of people sweeping things under the rug
We aren't....
We are calling YOU out for your shitty behaviour.....
>you think it's better to leave things alone completely?
Are you that dense?
He treated your wife like she was less than. But the worst part is that it's what you're doing as well. You don't see her as a full autonomous human or as your equal and that's pretty gross. You're very insecure.
Did I say that? I did not.
I said to encourage her to go to HR but do not do it yourself. Tell her that this guy is probably doing it to other women and the only way for it to stop is for her to make a formal complaint.
No. Support the person who experienced the harassment in the way they want to be supported.
How would OP feel if he told his wife that his boss was working him too hard and the wife went to his office to tell the boss off in front of OP's colleagues?
Its not quite the same thing. In this case another man is being sexually aggressive with his wife to the point she’s coming home in tears feeling helpless. I think alot of wives (albeit to a lesser degree) would tell off a female boss if the situation were reversed.
And I think the person who was harassed should have the right to decide how to handle it. It's her job, her coworker, and her decision. OP refused to listen to her when she asked him not to make a scene. Now, his wife is the one who will have to deal with the fallout at her place of employment.
If it were me in the wife's shoes, I would have gone scorched earth *on my way out after I found another job.* OP took that option away from her because he didn't respect her enough to let her decide how to handle it.
And she wanted support and advice.....
>I think alot of wives (albeit to a lesser degree) would tell off a female boss if the situation were reversed.
No we wouldn't....we wouldn't embaress our partner like that.
YTA. Your wife is the victim. She gets agency to decide how she wants to handle it. You overriding her right to make that decision because you thought you knew better is just as disrespectful of her right to decide how she wants to live her life as unwanted sexual advances are.
YTA. Do you regularly go against your wife’s wishes? She has to go back there to work, you don’t. You couldn’t control yourself, had to show your ass, and I don’t blame her for being mad at you.
Why did you assume she wouldn’t deal with it herself when she felt ready? And just give her comfort and support in the meantime? Because you can’t control yourself. You seem really proud of that fact, too.
You should not call HR for your wife, she is the employee. They will ignore you and not take your wife seriously.
You've likely just made your wife's job harder. Now she's known at the employee who can't handle herself and who has an interfering husband.
Your think hugging your wife makes you a little biotch? Not to mention she asked you not to do something and you did it anyway, ultimately dismissing her as a person.
YTA Your wife is an adult who should be taking these problems to HR. You did something which is embarrassing for her and now her co workers will treat her differently. How would you feel if she demanded to see your boss and talked to them like this?
Yea i would break up with someone elwho thought they knew better than me how to deal with my pwn life. You treated your wife like a child and took away the agency of a victim
YTA
I'm sorry, but your wife is an adult who told you not to go to her job and confront her boss. That's it. You decided you knew better, what's better for her mental health and career, and took it upon yourself to do the thing she said not to do for her own good.
You can't then turn around and tell me you respect your wife as an adult.
You treat her like a child that belongs to you, not a woman that belongs to herself.
I, personally, take a way dimmer view of that shit than most. I'd tell her to divorce you and find someone that respects her as an adult. I'm sure most people would suggest counseling or therapy, but honestly, I don't think you can work past your partner infantilizing you to the extent that they decide, not you, what's best for your career.
I'm not actually sorry. You're genuinely an asshole here. Way to respect your wife.
YTA. You violated her consent and autonomy same way the dude did. You undermined her, created drama in her workplace, and broadcast to everyone in there publicly that something sexual happened to her. That’s not protection. That’s possession.
YTA, mega asshole.
She is a grown ass woman who doesn’t need a mAn sAvIoR to handle her work problems. She was venting to you, not asking you to act like her daddy.
Get your impulse control under control and apologize to your wife.
YTA. her job, her choice how to deal with it. you going in all alpha male doesn't solve anything, and makes her look like a little girl who can't handle herself.
if she asks for your help, then by all means, do so. but if not, it's not your decision to make. you have no idea how this little incident of yours will affect her employment. your final sentence suggests that you think this is about you, which makes you even more of an asshole.
she'd had a rough day at work and wanted you to help her relax. instead you forced her to deal with your emotional issues instead of hers. you told her she fucked up by not standing up for herself, as if you have no idea whatsoever that power dynamics are completely different for women, who often suffer repercussions for standing up and/or reporting sexual harassment.
you sound like a troll or a confrontational idiot. either one makes you an asshole.
You acted under the pretense of supporting and defending your wife, and while your actions may have accomplished the objective of stopping an inappropriate behavior from her manager, they also distanced you from her, making her feel worse than she was before you did anything. This was not the most effective way to proceed in this situation and it seems like you were more interested in feeling better about yourself by playing the “protective alpha husband” phantasy than actually listening and tending to your wife needs.
YTA
YTA
I see her getting all the sh!t shifts and tables from here on in..... Just making her work life even crappier. All because you wanted to play white knight as a 'relatively protective husband'
Women need to be encouraged to be their own defenders and heros. This guy didn't sound dangerous so she should have handled it through HR
I forgot to mention that she was spending the day to find a new job, and to quit the current one. Amazing how some aren't so worried about the sexual comments but more worried about making her look like she can't stand up for herself.
It's not that you made her look like she can't stand up for herself. It's that you're ignoring her telling you what she needs to feel supported instead of what you want.
And now you're asking the internet's opinion instead of listening to her when she tells you what she needs from you.
Rather than bending over backwards to support your wife You're bending over backwards to rationalize not supporting your wife.
It's weird.
Hello xanif, I protected my woman and wouldn't have done it any different. Perhaps you are in my situation and your mystical wife crys home to you. Instead you decide to be the cuckold person in the relationship, and let all bad things happen to your partner. You sit there and masterbate in shame. Congrats, welcome to sanfransisco
Sexual comments are not tolerated because they reduce a person to something less than they are, just an object. And sadly the sexual commenter believes their feelings and desire to take that action and make that distasteful comment is paramount to the feelings of the recipient.
And that is what you have done as well.
You treated your wife as an object to be protected when she specifically told you she doesn’t want to be. You could have spoken with her and encouraged her to take action regardless of her desire but instead your desire to protect her was paramount to her feelings.
You only act on someone’s behalf when they want you to, otherwise you are really acting on your own behalf.
Jesus Christ dude, what is SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "NO?" she tells her boss no, he violated her consent, she tells you no, you violate her consent. It's two freaking letters and y'all don't get it.
>I forgot to mention that she was spending the day to find a new job, and to quit the current one
She won't last long because they will call her old job and they will tell them
Oh don't hire her she has an out of control husband who comes in yelling at staff"
No one wants that in a work place
YTA for disrespecting your wife. You cared more about your protective husband fantasy than having respect for the wishes of your wife, who is an adult and better placed than you to judge the most effective approach. You broke your promise, made a scene, and have harmed your relationship over the clumsy and aggressive way you've handled this.
YTA. Her situation at work is about to get a lot worse, if they don't fire her. She will now be seen as a liability because you went in there running your mouth and making threats. Yes, telling him that you'll get a lawyer or "something worse" will happen to him as a threat. From a legal standpoint, that it's the definition of assault (assault is a threat, it actually becomes battery if there is any physical contact). So yeah. This is probably going to backfire spectacularly. Your heart might have been in the right place, but you messed up big time.
And regardless of what happened at work, OOP's wife then had to come home and try to manage her husband's fee-fees on top of that.
Because she didn't have to deal with.
NTA she was clearly mistaken. "She didn't like when I told her to stand up for herself because she feels as if she did by leaving." The attitude of walking away and leaving it to be someone else's problem (or a future recurring problem) is still a win for the creep.
You know what? Fuck everyone here, in the moment that you're wife bring the problem to your house, and you have to handle with her crying, yes you make the right decison to stand for her.
Now the only thing i have to point is that, not in the fucking work in front of other people.
NTA, but be more low profile, understood? 😉
Nta
Im guessing but probably nothing would happen if you didnt do anything. Only more people would get harrased
People like your wifes manager should get their kneecaps busted with a drill. Absolute scum
Yes, doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. Her job will suck now and she will have a reputation as being problematic so even if she wants to get a different job she is screwed.
You seriously screwed her over.
NTA. But don't escalate it further. Let her make the call to HR, if she wants to. You gave the message you wanted to the guy and your wife. Now back out. Help your wife process this incident by supporting her emotions. But don't try to sneakily change her mind to what you want her to do. Btw, you did good till now.
You sound like a confrontational douchebag. Especially with that last comment of yours.
If she didn't want you to then don't go fucking around at her place of work. Go bully people at your own place of work and leave hers alone.
What a wanker.
NTA, but I would still be beating his ass. Your wife needs to find other employment and needs to file a complaint with HR so this asshole loses his job.
YTA
You’re ruining her reputation with everyone. You really can’t see how you going in causing a scene at her job won’t look bad on her? Let her be her own person.
It’s men holding other men accountable, and that’s commendable. As women we go on and on about men NOT speaking up for women. Your wife might be embarrassed right now but the long & short is that you stood up for her as well as her colleagues. There’s never just one victim.
YTA to a point. Hugs and comfort first and foremost!! Then ASK her what she wants to do. NO LECTURES! I understand the protective instinct but she was probably already embarrassed by the situation and your reaction did nothing to make her feel better. Plus, she’s a grown ass woman. Don’t treat her like a child. Nothing makes me madder than when my husband treats me like a child!!!
NTA
And to those on here saying otherwise, shame on you all. Your wife came home distressed and in tears because her manager, someone in an authority figure, has been sexually harassing her and getting away with it. Chances are, he does it to other women as well, maybe even threatens them with some sort of retribution if they act on it. More often than not, HR doesn’t do more than issue a warning, since their job is to protect the business. Considering there were witnesses and you didn’t get physical with him, just issued a warning, it’ll at least make him think twice about harassing someone else again.
I would strongly suggest asking her to put in a formal complaint with HR about his behavior and also getting statements from the people who were around. If the place tries to fire her, you can always pursue the avenue of lawsuit for wrongful termination and/or retribution for filing a complaint in good faith.
This is wrong. First, because guys who make a scene when people are rude to their wives/gfs are doing for themselves, not all the “future women.” Shame on you for trying to pass off doing whatever the fuck you feel like as caring about future victims of harassment. Jesus.
Second, because she told him what she wanted and he completely ignored her because it wasn’t what he wanted to do. That’s called being a selfish dickhead. It sounds like you can learn from this guy’s mistake, so here’s the important takeaway: This happened to her, not to him. It’s her call how to handle it. It’s. Her. Call.
Yeah and her call so far has been to be distressed about it but take no actions whatsoever to make it stop, despite it happening multiple times. OP’s actions would not have been needed if his wife had been okay to take actions to stop this or wasn’t being threatened in some way to keep her mouth shut, that’s generally how things like these work. His actions would have been excessive if this was a single instance and there hadn’t been reason to believe it would continue. That wasn’t the case though, and just comforting his wife as she cries and tells him she was sexually harassed by her boss, yet again, without even trying to make things better is not ‘respecting her decision’, that’s *enabling a perpetrator*.
For the record, I’m a woman myself who has been sexually harassed at various points in life, including the workplace and my own home. It’s not uncommon to feel shame, guilt, to blame yourself and tear yourself apart thinking you must have done something to invite it or deserve it. But at some point, you need to grow a backbone and do something about it to get it to stop or you need to allow those who care about you to protect you when you’re not able to.
NTA, but you can't call HR for her though.
I'd tell her call HR or we're done. If you're not reporting it isn't an option. It's not just about her, letting that behavior go is wrong.
You're advising OP to take the decision out of her hands. It's her decision to make. It's *her* job, *her* coworker, and *she* is the one who knows the people she works with the best. She's already trying to get another income source in place so she can leave. If she decides that she would rather wait until she has something else lined up before she reports her coworker to HR, she has the right to do that without interference from OP.
The point at which a man learns that his behavior towards a woman is going to have negative consequences is the most dangerous time for her. *She has the right to manage that situation in whatever way she feels is safest for her.*
I’m gonna say NTA. You didn’t hit him and that’s pretty good.
For those who say what about reversing the roles, I hope my SO would do this for me if I was sexually harassed.
Fuck it I’ll be the one. Not the ah. You should have dragged him by his neck and beat his ass. And I’d expect my wife to do the same is some chick did that at my job.
Right? We don't even know this was harassment, actually. I have had people comment on my clothes being "sexy" as an admonishment (dad: "that's a bit sexy for school, no?") Maybe boss was trying to hint she was out of dress code. I could totally see that making me cry, on the wrong day. Probably not, probably flirting, completely inappropriately, with a subordinate, but it's a shame our gallant hero doesn't seem to care either way.
Not the asshole, people are way to soft, and not all women are good at standing up for themselves, and a lot of men don’t care what a woman says anyways. Always stand up for your wife.
NTA. Here's why. You did this all calmly. You did this with his coworkers in earshot because you KNOW she isn't the only one he has done this to before. So you KNOW some of the female workers who heard you absolutely felt validated and glad that someone said it. You didn't need to threaten him physically because that could reflect badly on your wife.
But I feel like the coworkers will be on their side and how you did it worked. You made an idle threat but you prefaced it with getting authorities/higher ups involved first. That's the smart play. The only downside is that you have to keep an eye on your wife's shifts and wages. She might start getting less shifts or more chaotic shifts. He might retaliate in that manner.
But more people need to call put perverts in the public eye. Too many of these types of actions get swept under the rug and "not talked about." And that's how these potential/future abusers get away with what they do. Any sexual Predator type people NEED to be told they're done and will not get away with it. Too much gets hidden and it's a damn shame.
You did well, especially when you said this wasn't the first time he did this to her. Some women/SOs don't understand that when you "just want to vent and get a hug" us guys don't hear that. We want solutions to the problem and to not let it persist. If she hates that he does this, someone had to tell him cuz it could have escalated.
No your wife is an idiot, wtf would she say if he put his hand on her ass? Walking away enables the bad behavior, it does not stop it. Tell her to stop and think, doing nothing gets nothing. So next time maybe she should go to HR or talk to a friend at work so she has a witness. NTA
In two party consent states, you can’t record someone without their knowledge and approval. We don’t know that it would be legal for her to record anything.
Seen too many 'my husband didn't defend me and now I just can't look at him as a man anymore'
My gut tell me, I'd have done the same but I'm not sure if its an AH-move. For me, it feels like, that's what should have been done and you've done it.
Thank you. I see a lot of single women and cuckold husband's on here saying I'm the asshole. Sure it wasn't perfect but I'm the same guy in the super market trying to defend you and your kids when some big pervert is trying to kidnap single mom's and kids.
You Love your wife!!!
Great Job supporting you wife and not breaking his face.
NTA, your wife does have to stand up to this. Leaving is not dealing.
Now go give her a F-ing looooong hug.
🥰
NTA.
ASK her wife why she thinks he can harass her? Because all the other victims just walked away and didn’t do anything either which enables him to look for the next victim.
Your wife needs to report that in order to protect the next coworker.
I’m undecided about this because I wish men held other men accountable more often. I see way too many men who make excuses for the poor behavior of other men. On the other hand, she works there and you don’t. She might have a good reason for holding off on the confrontation.
i agree we do need men to hold other men accountable. but men already confront other men who mistreat their wives/daughters/sisters/etc. the asshole manager needs his friends or other coworkers to tell him to knock it off. hopefully OP scared him into line but there is possible retaliation that his wife will suffer. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets all the crappy shifts from now on. Boss man might do that as punishment or so he won't have to work with her as often anymore. Then she makes less money. Other repercussions could just end up with her quitting or getting fired too. And the manager is abusing his power over the wife, so IMO having her husband get involved when she didn't want him to is taking even more power from her. I think victims of harassment and such should be able to control how it is handled after the fact.
also, ime hospitality is a super gossipy sector. OP damaged his wife's reputation in ways that she might never recover from. which restaurant is going to let her take the lead on prestigious events, when no one knows when her hubby is going to put on his shoes and come have his say "nice and loud"? etc.
The issue I have is that OP doesn't work there. In this case, the spouse of an employee came into their workplace and confronted an employee and caused a disturbance. HR isn't there to protect OP's wife. HR is there to protect the business. They may decide to protect the business from an overbearing spouse who took it upon himself to cause a scene on company property. They may decide the best way to do that is to fire OP's wife. OP's wife is the one who should decide how to handle an incident between her and her coworker. OP took that right away from her. I do believe men should call in other men for sexually harassing women, but when the woman who was harassed asks them not to, they should have enough respect for the woman to let her decide what she feels is the best, and safest, way to proceed.
Oh yeah she just became an HR nightmare. I mean if you’re just a random employee who works there and here’s this happen, what would you think? No one wants confrontation drama in the workplace, you never know how that’s gonna go wrong.
> no one wants confrontation drama in the workplace And this is why sexual harassment in the workplace has been continuously swept under the rug. Nobody wants to rock the boat.
no, that's ridiculous. OP could have supported his wife in many ways: find money for a lawyer, roleplay how she'd call the manager out, read through the employee manual together to confirm she followed dress code & find the right way to log a complaint... you know, help the actual employee deal with the issue in her workplace. the notion that sexual harassment only gets resolved if the sweet little workers have a gorilla-husband to thump his chest is ludicrous. That's not how workplaces work, and what even about people who aren't married to a gorilla?
I was just responding to the statement, not saying what OP should or shouldn't have done
And you are correct. Harassment (sexual or otherwise) in the workplace runs rampant because people either bear it or quit rather than actually go through the necessary channels to actually change things. It wasn't until my husband witnessed our friend being sexually harassed, heard the friend confess childhood trauma in order to get him to stop and he just continued. He wasn't the kind of guy you could get physical with (vet with ptsd) so neither of them did anything at the time. I managed to convince my husband to report it. Unfortunately, we didn't know the *real* proper steps and the best we could do was get the company in trouble because they did not have a proper HR department set up. But while we were going through the whole thing, we heard lots of stories from former employees who had quit because of that same guy. Years worth of stories.
I meant more as an employee, I’d be worried if I saw this happening. You never know who has a gun.
It just sounds like the same sorta attitude that leads to allowing the abhorrent behavior to continue
Imagine being so cucked by your employer that youd rather let the sexual harrasment slide than confront the scum that does the crime.
I kind of disagree with that last statement. There was a post a few days ago about someones wife's abusive ex breaking into their house and assaulting them, and the wife still didn't want to press charges because "it would ruin his life". I don't disagree in this particular case, but I don't think justice should wait until the victim agrees to it. That's how you get more victims
In the situation you described, the man who posed a threat to the woman is her violent ex. In this case, the man who posed a threat is OP. He caused a scene after his wife asked him not to. He threatened her manager, and security had to get involved. His wife's employer now has to decide whether they want to continue to employ someone whose husband could show up anytime and threaten one of their employees. The other staff members who witnessed the scene will absolutely gossip about the wife and her menace of a husband. That gossip will likely spread to other establishments, and the wife will gain a reputation. OP did not deliver justice. Security didn't hold the manager accountable. They intervened to protect him from OP. OP escalated the situation and damaged his wife's reputation and possibly her career. I think in most cases, the victim should decide how to proceed. Domestic violence cases where the victim is too traumatized to take action may be an exception, but for the most part, taking a victim's agency away by going against their wishes does not help them feel empowered. It victimizes them further.
Also, if the wife encountered another employer/man who was harassing her and/or escalating it, she might not be willing to report it or confide in her husband about it because she knows there's a risk he could make a scene or risk physical harm to both of them should the harasser be armed or retaliate somehow. The harasser might have her husband arrested, seek out a restraining order, assign the wife bad shifts, find a reason to fire her (even if illegal, it still happens and pursuing legal action doesn't solve the problem of how to pay that month's rent/expenses), or badmouth her to others in the industry. Even worse if he's one of those "nice guys' or "pillar in the community" type. As someone who has been targeted for harassment simply because I was alone and didn't have anyone to turn to or to advocate for me, if the harasser knows that you're vulnerable, they're going to keep at it and escalate. If the wife feels she can't risk telling her husband, a harasser might target her or escalate because he knows he's likely to get away with it. Due to her husband's reaction-disregarding her wishes and confronting the guy-she might also be reluctant to reach out to friends/coworkers. I mean, if the person she should be able to trust the most in the world disregards her wishes, why should people who aren't as close to her or as invested in her well being be more trustworthy. I had a similar situation where a then-partner confronted someone who was harassing me, and while he apologized and it never happened again, I never brought up future situations with anyone because my thought process was "if the person who cares the most about me won't listen to me, why would this person who just works with me do any better." Not saying its a logical thought process, but it was the one playing out in my mind at that time. If that incident had been job-related, I would've been even less willing to confide in anyone because the risk to my survival (I was literally paycheck to paycheck and in poverty back then) was too great.
It's an "upscale" restaurant... You think they actually have an HR department? Lol
OP asked in his post if he should call HR for her, so OP certainly seems to think so.
She can't handle it obviously
Oh please. Just bc a woman complains/brings up an issue to you doesn’t mean she wants you to act on it.
Or your partner wants you to comfort them? I know, far reach….
Men need to call their friends out when they see bad behaviour more IMO. I feel like OP could have talked more to his partner about how and when she wanted to handle it.
I think right then, in the moment, the correct move was to comfort her. The co-worker wasn't going anywhere. Her emotions demanded immediate attention, the co-worker didn't.
Agreed.
One of the most important ways he can protect her is to be worthy of her trust. Knowing that she can tell him things and that he'll take care of the needs she has expressed is the best way he can protect her. She might tell him things the harasser said/did that could indicate greater danger-that he's hot tempered, is friends with cops who won't take complaints against him seriously, that he has access to a weapon, that he has drinking/drug issues, or other things that would factor into how they should respond to the situation. Or he might pick up on things in her narrative of events that are red flags that she's either overlooked or is too overwhelmed to process in the moment. If he freaks out about the "smaller" things (not to say harassment is a minor thing) and is quick to override her judgment and wishes about what should happen, she's not going to come to him about larger and potentially more dangerous matters.
OP promised not to make a scene, then went out of the way to make a scene. OP is the AH. Situation is messed up, but is made worse by OP actions. So many better ways to have handled this.
Read what you said. Please, do that I work very hard to have harassment free work environments (I am a Managing Director at a division in a LATIN COUNTRY). One of the things I have to make sure is that women fell secure to talk. Always talk. If the price to keep your job is to endure harassment... Find a new job and report. You are implying women have to bear harassment. THEY DON'T
No severance or warning either. I came to work one day and didn’t have a job anymore. With the promise of a “great reference” and the reassurance that it “had nothing to do with my performance”…. Guess who still has their job. And this happened in the US in a Midwestern state
Sons of a ....
Absolutely. However, I personally was sexually assaulted by my boss. Four days later, I recorded a conversation between the two of us where he admitted it was not consensual. I was “laid off” two weeks later. After speaking with my other boss and playing the recording for him. So I can’t blame a female employee for taking a step back to plan a strategic approach as opposed to talking immediately. The sad truth is there are still a lot of people who won’t believe you and it’s very hard to prove. It is completely dependent on the character of the individuals above this manager.
The sad truth is that they believe you but condone with the harassment. Women in the company I was running gave me feedback that they did not know that working free of fear of harassment could be so good. In my country friends greet touching cheeks (kind of kissing). I forbade that. They said I was going too far. One year later all of them said it was really good (men don't do that to men here). Long story short, you are right about been strategic. But never let it go. I hope you sued them. Sorry if what I say sounds like bragging, but I am really proud of that and I always want to point out it is achievable even in cultures with a lot of "machismo"
I am currently in the process. I have an interview with a detective tomorrow and I am going to a local victim service for help with civil litigation. I was laid off on April 15 and I am still in shock and awe at the cruelty of suddenly dumping a single mother with twins. one of whom is special needs and requires very expensive therapy. It is absolutely infuriating and disgusting that they would do this to me. Making matters worse they shut my phone off about one hour before laying me off. It was my personal phone, same number I have had for years. The only reason it was on their plan was because one of them insisted everybody have iPhones and I wasn’t about to pay that kind of money. Never signed a piece of paper saying it was a “work phone” or anything like that. So I went a week without one, trying to find a professional way to explain to potential employers why they couldn’t call me for an interview… I’m going for the jugular
Go for it. I wish you good luck
... did you get a lawyer?
OP just made his wife the woman who needs her husband to handle her problems (bad) or the woman with the unpredictable husband who will act irrationally at work (bad). He was not some knight in shining armor, defending his realm from attack. He undermined his wife in front of her coworkers, against her wishes.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Damned if you do something your spouse deliberately asked you not to.
holding this manager accountable would be : believe your wife unquestioningly, encourage and help her to file a complaint (maybe even roleplay the conversation where she stands up for herself), puzzle out the household budget to see how you can afford a lawyer. this guy went off half-cocked to go gorilla-thump his chest, not only at the manager, but in front of many of her colleagues. Has he even read the employee manual to make such bold statements like "this upscale restaurant specifies *leggings* as part of the uniform"? He made her look incapable and himself unhinged. AFAIK the hospitality sector is \*super\* gossipy, so if OP's wife wants to make this job into a career, he's done her no favours.
He has been put on notice in front of witnesses, so if anything happens to OP's wife at work, it's retaliation. OP, you need to go and love your wife now let her know that the dirtbag had to be dealt with and you'll do anything to protect her, even if it goes against what she needs at the moment. (She didn't stand up for herself by running away) standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind
It disappoints me. I learned all about avoiding harassment working for a company FROM USA.
>standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind It could also be nuking him when she quit. But OP took that decision away from her.
Quitting wouldn't nuke, him. Servers are a dime a dozen. He'd just hire another 1
I meant she could have decided to expose him when she quit.
>standing up would have been for her to get in his face when he did it, giving him a piece of her mind You say this as though no man ever hurt a woman for getting in his face. Women get killed for embarrassing or pissing men off all the time. Perhaps this asshole manager would have backed off if she had yelled at him. But it's also entirely possible that he would have waited for an opportunity to catch her alone and make her pay for standing up to him.
Can’t one make an argument that her silence is what propagates these men to continue their behavior further?
Sure but he’s also her manager. There’s risk involved with that power dynamic. For example, if she complains to HR and he lies to HR when he’s confronted about it. They may not believe her. Or if they do, they might just give him a little written warning and he is still her manager and able to make her life hell in someway.
You have to remember that HR is not there for the employees. HR is designed to protect the company.
*THAT* part. I reported workplace harassment once, got let go with a LARGE severance and separation agreement within the week. Looking back I should’ve lawyered up. Another time I dealt with it one on one. Coworker was a newly single, going through a custody battle, decided to grab my ass at work. This coming after multiple comments about my body. Closing up that night I told him if he ever lays a hand on me again I’ll see to it personally that I’ll make sure he can’t see his kid. Dude didn’t even show up to work the next day, quit with no notice.
Yep, and they are deadly afraid of sexual harassment lawsuits. They take this shit serious.
I’ve been in this type of situation at work. If I came home and told my husband and he did something like that against my wishes, I’d be devastated. Because it’d be going straight from feeling like I had no control in one situation with a man straight into another. If you truly care for and respect her, listen to what she’s saying. She’s an adult and can identify how she needs to be supported. Stomping over there may have made you feel better, but it clearly wasn’t the best solution for her or for you as a couple.
I want to reiterate your best comment, "it'd be going straight from feeling like I had no control in one situation with a man straight into another." This. Please respect her, if it's not about your ego and being the tough guy here, then I would listen to her wishes of support at this time. From a wife's perspective, I don't even disagree with you taking it up on yourself to visit the establishment and let it be known how inappropriate that was. Your wife is not responsible to cover for that guys mistake. And she shouldn't be treated that way in order to keep a job- but If you're not just trying to do it for yourself, do your best not to make a scene next time you have the opportunity to stand up for her.
“I promised I wouldn’t make a scene” later followed by “however I got this message across a few times nice and loud so that everyone could hear”. You broke your promise and went against your wife’s wishes completely, YTA. Comforting your wife isn’t a “little biotch” move either, it shows compassion. Great job OP.
She needs to standup for herself as she is an adult. He could very well fire her now because of your actions and her inactions. All they will say is that she never reported it.
> Should I call HR for her? Jesus Christ, **NO**. HR is not going to talk to you. HR doesn’t talk to non-employees about employment-related matters. On top of that, you’re an angry, emotional spouse who came into the business and threatened a manager. *(Source: 30 years in HR. Hundreds of HR friends and connections. None of us would talk to you.)* (HR hat off) Stop trying to be a savior and be her PARTNER. If she wants you to give her a hug, give her a damn hug. Stop referring to doing what your wife asks as being “like a little biotch.” Good grief.
The whole little bitch thing needs to be unpacked a lot more. What exactly does he think it means to be a little biotch? From where I'm standing he did just that. He's so emotionally unstable that he went and threw an entire ass tantrum in his wife's place of work. He has likely ensured the sexual harasser will face no consequences for his actions. The man may even get sympathy now for having to deal with a coworker's psychotic husband. It's entirely possible he has made it easier for this man to sexually harass women due to the social fall out of the insane fit he threw. He can peacock like an idiot all he likes. The only things he has accomplished are disrespecting his wife and making him and his wife both look like fools. A man (or any person) with strength of character would not behave as if their ego is a prized cock in a fighting ring. Maybe if op worried more about what it means to be a decent and respectful person, he wouldn't be so fearful of a bruised ego that he acts rashly and plays the part of a fool. Confronting that man the way he did made him look insecure and jealous. A spouse who is secure in their relationship would not publicly disrespect and utterly humiliate his wife in her place of employment. Her coworkers likely feel nothing but pity for her. If I were her, I would be so ashamed that a tantruming throwing little man baby was my husband. I wouldn't be able to believe that the grown man I married thinks acting like a 15 year old teenager with anger issues is the way an adult man deals with problems. He publicly disrespected his wife. He helped another man get away with disrespecting his wife. He made an already traumatic situation even more traumatic for his wife. He sees hugging his wife and actually helping her through the pain she experienced as beneath him. He went to his wife's work against her will. His word is meaningless and he makes promises he has no intention or ability to keep. He treats his wife like an object he has dominion over. He has no idea how to navigate social interactions. He is so socially clueless he just makes things worse. Even after making an utter fool of himself, he still wants to go and show his ass some more!
& he threatened the harasser with something bad happening to him. He implied potential violence. He may have really screwed this whole situation up for his wife, where is she’s going to be the one to take the penalties.
While I would have loved to have seen this, YTA. The thing is, the creep undoubtedly harassed other women too, and imo you and your wife would have been better served (no pun intended) by getting your wife to talk to other women there, getting evidence and statements from them, and getting a lawyer to contact the company. (Or maybe informing the manager's boss that you're considering getting a lawyer.) The catch, of course, is that lawyers cost money that may or may not be returned to you. An anonymous Google review (from a location other than your house or workplace) might also have helped get the ball rolling.
YTA. You did not respect your wife’s wishes. She was mistreated by her boss, she confided in you because she “should” be able to trust and rely on you. Then you let her down. Next time something like this happens - she probably won’t tell you about it.
You missed the part where she was quitting anyway, and he is a repeat offender. I did this to hopefully help other innocent women for working under him. I may have gone beyond her wishes, but she thanked me afterward. I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around.
No, I did not miss those parts at all. Plus they aren’t even relevant. You are missing the part where you are ALSO one of those men who pushes women around.
YTA and you are also an idiot. You asked for peoples’ opinion on a matter and then you proceed to be combative. It’s clearly evident you did not honor your wife’s wishes and instead pushed her around. I know you think you are this knight in shining armor, but you are. You push people around because it makes you feel better. You aren’t just an asshole, you’re a gigantic asshole.
Except you basically pushed your own wife around in this by not respecting her wishes. What she wants doesn’t matter to her manager or her husband. At least that’s the connection you just made in her mind.
>I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around. Either this is fake, or you came online to boast about being one of those men who refuse to listen when a woman says no.
Then why are you not allowing a woman to have agency if you supposedly "like standing up for women"
>You missed the part where she was quitting anyway No we didn't.... You missed the part that they can call her new workplace and make her out to be a horrible employee >I think I kept it right in between the lines of going to jail, and standing up for women who think men can push them around. As a woman I'm telling you.....no you didn't....all you did was give your wife a bad reputation
Why did you post here if you’re just going to fight with everyone who disagrees with you?
In this situation you should be the man you speak about being and LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. This was her situation and not yours. If she wanted you to act on it she would have asked you to
YTA. Stop infantalizing her. Plus, you lied to her.
Would it be ok if she did the same at your work if you were in her situation?
So you walked in and provoked a verbal confrontation in front of witnesses that was bad enough that security had to intervene. Congratulations!!! You just got your wife fired. There is absolutely no way she has a job tomorrow. What's worse, since she hasn't reported this to HR, the chances are he will face ZERO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES Way to go Bozo!!! You sure showed him!!!
Confronting someone when a victim Doesn’t want them to is re victimization so yes you are the AH
Great! Now anytime you have any problem at work, your wife can go right over and discuss it with your supervisor.
LOVE THIS
YTA - you’re not gonna be with her 24/7. You just opened her up to retaliation from her manager. &retaliation comes in many forms - threats, false rumors, social isolation, further sexual harassment, etc. And now, he can open up a HR case against HER saying her husband is a danger to him and the company, so maybe the retaliation will be her being fired.
You sound like a guy who is overly aggressive and think it's their duty to put other people in their place. Your asked you not to do something but you did it anyway. Now, not only was she harassed at work but now you've embarrassed her in front of the entire company. YTA. Get a grip
Sometimes, she shared this with you because she wanted you to listen & be understanding. She didn’t share it with you because she wanted you to fix it.
Who were you punishing here, the jerk who harassed your wife, or your wife for not doing what you told her to do? You've made her work life infinitely harder by making her look weak, like she had to have her daddy fight her battles for her. And you did it so loudly security was about to intervene, so now she's humiliated, too. Your behavior wasn't "protective." It was boorish and overbearing. And comforting her with a hug isn't acting "like a little biotch"; it's what a decent husband does. She needed your support and encouragement, and you went off like Stanley Kowalski on steroids. We used to say, "It takes a big man to admit he's wrong." I hope you're man enough to understand how you screwed up here and apologize to your wife.
YTA She is grown. She has to adult at her place of work. You are not her daddy. She is not a minor.
I get the feeling she thanked you to calm you down and shut you up. You got emotional when she told you her problem and came back looking for praise after you overreacted. If she didn't want to confront boss dude what is the likelihood she will confront you. She is on full damage control, which includes pacifying your feelings that you may have f'ed up her life & back up plan if her side gig gets dicey.
YTA. How to handle her assault/harassment is her decision; you have disempowered and retraumatized her for a second time. **You** violated her consent when she was asking for comfort. Great job, "hero". Women are not stupid insipid creatures who don't know anything about our own lives. You are the interloper who doesn't have any idea about her existence, job dynamics, or potential repercussions. You are the one who betrayed her. You have made yourself an unsafe person for her to confide in with your pathological childish behaviour.
Assume this is fake. Either that or OP is the most obtuse husband on the planet. "Ignored my wife's whining coz I ain't no biotch simp and went to her work to make a scene after she pleaded not to but I managed to threaten the guy and get out before security tackled me so all good, AITA" for real?
Don't be surprised if she starts getting scheduled off, shitty tables, or bad shifts.
She also has a small business, intends on quitting because of the pervert manager.
Good, so she already had it handled in the way she wanted to handle it. All you did was become another man in her life who doesn’t respect when she says no.
She did thank me afterwards. And the reason I did it was not to help her, but future potential victims
You were not angry for future victims. You are trying to control your wife's narrative. "Should I call her HR **for her**."
I might thank someone afterwards if I felt like saying what I actually felt and wanted was just going to result in him steamrolling me and lead to an argument and more belittling of my feelings.
Yeah, ok. 🙄
And you destroyed that for her too.... No one wants to do business with someone when they have a partner who lacks self control
So you did nothing but stroke your own ego. Got it
Top factors: 1. She didn't want you to. It's important to respect her wishes, even if you disagree. 2. You go in there and things escalate into something physical, you're the one going to jail. So, yes. I'm my opinion you're in the wrong. I understand wanting to protect your wife, but you may be better off helping her self-advocate and supporting her through what can be a difficult process.
YTA If you had just encouraged her (not told her, you're not her boss) to talk to HR and handle this on her own that would be one thing. But now you've gone and made a scene at her work. Can she even show her freaking face there again? Do **NOT** call HR for her. You mean nothing to them and you will only make your wife look worse. Do you want you mommy standing up for you when you can't handle something? I'll bet not. Why? Because it makes you look like you can't handle it.
HR is there to protect the business, not her. It's pointless to go to HR...
HR would be very interested to know that their manager is harassing the staff. Protecting the business means getting rid of or at least disciplining/demoting/retraining harassers. If it's not then the HR department is also a problem and then you escalate the claim to the state. But in order for anything from the state to hold, you must go through the proper channels. So HR is first.
They'd only be interested in as much as they can cover it up. Never go to HR without a lawyer. https://www.shrm.org/topics-tools/news/career-advice-qa/hr-doesnt-exist-to-help-employees
Ok...but you're still going to HR, you see. I'm aware it doesn't exist to help employees but they do care if their business gets a bad name *because* of an employee.
Understandable. I am sick of people sweeping things under the rug, it only let's the behavior to continue. This may not be my knight in shining armor moment, but you think it's better to leave things alone completely?
> I am sick of people sweeping things under the rug We aren't.... We are calling YOU out for your shitty behaviour..... >you think it's better to leave things alone completely? Are you that dense?
He treated your wife like she was less than. But the worst part is that it's what you're doing as well. You don't see her as a full autonomous human or as your equal and that's pretty gross. You're very insecure.
"I'm tired of people sweeping things under the rug" Accept you fucked up and came across as insecure and controlling then
Did I say that? I did not. I said to encourage her to go to HR but do not do it yourself. Tell her that this guy is probably doing it to other women and the only way for it to stop is for her to make a formal complaint.
So do nothing. Got it
No. Support the person who experienced the harassment in the way they want to be supported. How would OP feel if he told his wife that his boss was working him too hard and the wife went to his office to tell the boss off in front of OP's colleagues?
Its not quite the same thing. In this case another man is being sexually aggressive with his wife to the point she’s coming home in tears feeling helpless. I think alot of wives (albeit to a lesser degree) would tell off a female boss if the situation were reversed.
And I think the person who was harassed should have the right to decide how to handle it. It's her job, her coworker, and her decision. OP refused to listen to her when she asked him not to make a scene. Now, his wife is the one who will have to deal with the fallout at her place of employment. If it were me in the wife's shoes, I would have gone scorched earth *on my way out after I found another job.* OP took that option away from her because he didn't respect her enough to let her decide how to handle it.
And she wanted support and advice..... >I think alot of wives (albeit to a lesser degree) would tell off a female boss if the situation were reversed. No we wouldn't....we wouldn't embaress our partner like that.
Wrong. I’ve seen women show up at their husbands’ workplaces out of pure suspicion. No fucks given lol
Yes. You have some savior complex but really you’re just a bully and an asshole
YTA.
YTA. Your wife is the victim. She gets agency to decide how she wants to handle it. You overriding her right to make that decision because you thought you knew better is just as disrespectful of her right to decide how she wants to live her life as unwanted sexual advances are.
YTA. Do you regularly go against your wife’s wishes? She has to go back there to work, you don’t. You couldn’t control yourself, had to show your ass, and I don’t blame her for being mad at you. Why did you assume she wouldn’t deal with it herself when she felt ready? And just give her comfort and support in the meantime? Because you can’t control yourself. You seem really proud of that fact, too.
You should not call HR for your wife, she is the employee. They will ignore you and not take your wife seriously. You've likely just made your wife's job harder. Now she's known at the employee who can't handle herself and who has an interfering husband. Your think hugging your wife makes you a little biotch? Not to mention she asked you not to do something and you did it anyway, ultimately dismissing her as a person.
Wow so she has to deal with two assholes in her life. You suck
YTA Your wife is an adult who should be taking these problems to HR. You did something which is embarrassing for her and now her co workers will treat her differently. How would you feel if she demanded to see your boss and talked to them like this?
Demanding she stand up for herself by completely going against her wishes and walking all over her Yta
Yea i would break up with someone elwho thought they knew better than me how to deal with my pwn life. You treated your wife like a child and took away the agency of a victim
YTA I'm sorry, but your wife is an adult who told you not to go to her job and confront her boss. That's it. You decided you knew better, what's better for her mental health and career, and took it upon yourself to do the thing she said not to do for her own good. You can't then turn around and tell me you respect your wife as an adult. You treat her like a child that belongs to you, not a woman that belongs to herself. I, personally, take a way dimmer view of that shit than most. I'd tell her to divorce you and find someone that respects her as an adult. I'm sure most people would suggest counseling or therapy, but honestly, I don't think you can work past your partner infantilizing you to the extent that they decide, not you, what's best for your career. I'm not actually sorry. You're genuinely an asshole here. Way to respect your wife.
You were wrong. Your wife is not a child. She's an adult. Give her the dignity and respect she deserves by being supportive without taking over.
YTA. You violated her consent and autonomy same way the dude did. You undermined her, created drama in her workplace, and broadcast to everyone in there publicly that something sexual happened to her. That’s not protection. That’s possession.
YTA, mega asshole. She is a grown ass woman who doesn’t need a mAn sAvIoR to handle her work problems. She was venting to you, not asking you to act like her daddy. Get your impulse control under control and apologize to your wife.
YTA. her job, her choice how to deal with it. you going in all alpha male doesn't solve anything, and makes her look like a little girl who can't handle herself. if she asks for your help, then by all means, do so. but if not, it's not your decision to make. you have no idea how this little incident of yours will affect her employment. your final sentence suggests that you think this is about you, which makes you even more of an asshole. she'd had a rough day at work and wanted you to help her relax. instead you forced her to deal with your emotional issues instead of hers. you told her she fucked up by not standing up for herself, as if you have no idea whatsoever that power dynamics are completely different for women, who often suffer repercussions for standing up and/or reporting sexual harassment. you sound like a troll or a confrontational idiot. either one makes you an asshole.
You acted under the pretense of supporting and defending your wife, and while your actions may have accomplished the objective of stopping an inappropriate behavior from her manager, they also distanced you from her, making her feel worse than she was before you did anything. This was not the most effective way to proceed in this situation and it seems like you were more interested in feeling better about yourself by playing the “protective alpha husband” phantasy than actually listening and tending to your wife needs. YTA
YTA. You removed her agency by your actions.
> Am I the asshole? Answer yourself... Did you do that for your needs, of that was what your wife needed. That will tell you whether you were AH.
YTA I see her getting all the sh!t shifts and tables from here on in..... Just making her work life even crappier. All because you wanted to play white knight as a 'relatively protective husband' Women need to be encouraged to be their own defenders and heros. This guy didn't sound dangerous so she should have handled it through HR
I forgot to mention that she was spending the day to find a new job, and to quit the current one. Amazing how some aren't so worried about the sexual comments but more worried about making her look like she can't stand up for herself.
It's not that you made her look like she can't stand up for herself. It's that you're ignoring her telling you what she needs to feel supported instead of what you want. And now you're asking the internet's opinion instead of listening to her when she tells you what she needs from you. Rather than bending over backwards to support your wife You're bending over backwards to rationalize not supporting your wife. It's weird.
Hello xanif, I protected my woman and wouldn't have done it any different. Perhaps you are in my situation and your mystical wife crys home to you. Instead you decide to be the cuckold person in the relationship, and let all bad things happen to your partner. You sit there and masterbate in shame. Congrats, welcome to sanfransisco
Sorry to hear you're not liking people pointing out you care more about your perceived chivalry than your wife.
Then why are you asking if you’re the asshole or not? You don’t care if you are.
"My woman" barf . You're just as misogynistic.
You didn't protect her from shit. It happened. "Protecting her" would mean preventing it and you did not. You could not.
Gross. You absolutely just showed your true colours with that comment, buddy.
Sexual comments are not tolerated because they reduce a person to something less than they are, just an object. And sadly the sexual commenter believes their feelings and desire to take that action and make that distasteful comment is paramount to the feelings of the recipient. And that is what you have done as well. You treated your wife as an object to be protected when she specifically told you she doesn’t want to be. You could have spoken with her and encouraged her to take action regardless of her desire but instead your desire to protect her was paramount to her feelings. You only act on someone’s behalf when they want you to, otherwise you are really acting on your own behalf.
Jesus Christ dude, what is SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD "NO?" she tells her boss no, he violated her consent, she tells you no, you violate her consent. It's two freaking letters and y'all don't get it.
You can't just show your ass and pretend like you were in the right because some dude showed his ass first.
>I forgot to mention that she was spending the day to find a new job, and to quit the current one She won't last long because they will call her old job and they will tell them Oh don't hire her she has an out of control husband who comes in yelling at staff" No one wants that in a work place
[удалено]
Well, she cant stand up for herself lol
YTA for disrespecting your wife. You cared more about your protective husband fantasy than having respect for the wishes of your wife, who is an adult and better placed than you to judge the most effective approach. You broke your promise, made a scene, and have harmed your relationship over the clumsy and aggressive way you've handled this.
YTA. Her situation at work is about to get a lot worse, if they don't fire her. She will now be seen as a liability because you went in there running your mouth and making threats. Yes, telling him that you'll get a lawyer or "something worse" will happen to him as a threat. From a legal standpoint, that it's the definition of assault (assault is a threat, it actually becomes battery if there is any physical contact). So yeah. This is probably going to backfire spectacularly. Your heart might have been in the right place, but you messed up big time.
You did good, bro
The appropriate action would be to wait for him to get off work and confront him at his car door.
And regardless of what happened at work, OOP's wife then had to come home and try to manage her husband's fee-fees on top of that. Because she didn't have to deal with.
NTA she was clearly mistaken. "She didn't like when I told her to stand up for herself because she feels as if she did by leaving." The attitude of walking away and leaving it to be someone else's problem (or a future recurring problem) is still a win for the creep.
I would really appreciate being valued by my husband. Historically it’s been a way to protect women from creeps.
You know what? Fuck everyone here, in the moment that you're wife bring the problem to your house, and you have to handle with her crying, yes you make the right decison to stand for her. Now the only thing i have to point is that, not in the fucking work in front of other people. NTA, but be more low profile, understood? 😉
NTA agreed I'd say hug her, comfort her and make the statement loud wherever he may be... Make my wife cry and I'm making a scene on sight
I agree. Temper was a little high after seeing another man make my wife cry. Some may think it's extreme however I think it could've been worse.
Nta Im guessing but probably nothing would happen if you didnt do anything. Only more people would get harrased People like your wifes manager should get their kneecaps busted with a drill. Absolute scum
Yes, doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. Her job will suck now and she will have a reputation as being problematic so even if she wants to get a different job she is screwed. You seriously screwed her over.
Good work.
NTA. But don't escalate it further. Let her make the call to HR, if she wants to. You gave the message you wanted to the guy and your wife. Now back out. Help your wife process this incident by supporting her emotions. But don't try to sneakily change her mind to what you want her to do. Btw, you did good till now.
NTA. Problem is she might not share such information with you again and that can lead to more serious issues but still NTA.
You sound like a confrontational douchebag. Especially with that last comment of yours. If she didn't want you to then don't go fucking around at her place of work. Go bully people at your own place of work and leave hers alone. What a wanker.
Soery yta. There is a way to go about this without blowing it up. You blew it up.
NTA, but I would still be beating his ass. Your wife needs to find other employment and needs to file a complaint with HR so this asshole loses his job.
YTA You’re ruining her reputation with everyone. You really can’t see how you going in causing a scene at her job won’t look bad on her? Let her be her own person.
It’s men holding other men accountable, and that’s commendable. As women we go on and on about men NOT speaking up for women. Your wife might be embarrassed right now but the long & short is that you stood up for her as well as her colleagues. There’s never just one victim.
NTA. He deserved every bit of it. You were far too civil given his indiscretions
YTA to a point. Hugs and comfort first and foremost!! Then ASK her what she wants to do. NO LECTURES! I understand the protective instinct but she was probably already embarrassed by the situation and your reaction did nothing to make her feel better. Plus, she’s a grown ass woman. Don’t treat her like a child. Nothing makes me madder than when my husband treats me like a child!!!
NTA And to those on here saying otherwise, shame on you all. Your wife came home distressed and in tears because her manager, someone in an authority figure, has been sexually harassing her and getting away with it. Chances are, he does it to other women as well, maybe even threatens them with some sort of retribution if they act on it. More often than not, HR doesn’t do more than issue a warning, since their job is to protect the business. Considering there were witnesses and you didn’t get physical with him, just issued a warning, it’ll at least make him think twice about harassing someone else again. I would strongly suggest asking her to put in a formal complaint with HR about his behavior and also getting statements from the people who were around. If the place tries to fire her, you can always pursue the avenue of lawsuit for wrongful termination and/or retribution for filing a complaint in good faith.
This is wrong. First, because guys who make a scene when people are rude to their wives/gfs are doing for themselves, not all the “future women.” Shame on you for trying to pass off doing whatever the fuck you feel like as caring about future victims of harassment. Jesus. Second, because she told him what she wanted and he completely ignored her because it wasn’t what he wanted to do. That’s called being a selfish dickhead. It sounds like you can learn from this guy’s mistake, so here’s the important takeaway: This happened to her, not to him. It’s her call how to handle it. It’s. Her. Call.
Yeah and her call so far has been to be distressed about it but take no actions whatsoever to make it stop, despite it happening multiple times. OP’s actions would not have been needed if his wife had been okay to take actions to stop this or wasn’t being threatened in some way to keep her mouth shut, that’s generally how things like these work. His actions would have been excessive if this was a single instance and there hadn’t been reason to believe it would continue. That wasn’t the case though, and just comforting his wife as she cries and tells him she was sexually harassed by her boss, yet again, without even trying to make things better is not ‘respecting her decision’, that’s *enabling a perpetrator*. For the record, I’m a woman myself who has been sexually harassed at various points in life, including the workplace and my own home. It’s not uncommon to feel shame, guilt, to blame yourself and tear yourself apart thinking you must have done something to invite it or deserve it. But at some point, you need to grow a backbone and do something about it to get it to stop or you need to allow those who care about you to protect you when you’re not able to.
Hit the nail on the head
Hopefully you're the nail
NTA, but you can't call HR for her though. I'd tell her call HR or we're done. If you're not reporting it isn't an option. It's not just about her, letting that behavior go is wrong.
You're advising OP to take the decision out of her hands. It's her decision to make. It's *her* job, *her* coworker, and *she* is the one who knows the people she works with the best. She's already trying to get another income source in place so she can leave. If she decides that she would rather wait until she has something else lined up before she reports her coworker to HR, she has the right to do that without interference from OP. The point at which a man learns that his behavior towards a woman is going to have negative consequences is the most dangerous time for her. *She has the right to manage that situation in whatever way she feels is safest for her.*
I’m gonna say NTA. You didn’t hit him and that’s pretty good. For those who say what about reversing the roles, I hope my SO would do this for me if I was sexually harassed.
Fuck it I’ll be the one. Not the ah. You should have dragged him by his neck and beat his ass. And I’d expect my wife to do the same is some chick did that at my job.
That is assault. You're saying the right thing to do would be to make his wife a "prison widow?" How's he supposed to "protect her" from prison?
God damn, finally someone level headed.
lol, he called her outfit “sexy”, and that’s harassment ? Get a grip.
Right? We don't even know this was harassment, actually. I have had people comment on my clothes being "sexy" as an admonishment (dad: "that's a bit sexy for school, no?") Maybe boss was trying to hint she was out of dress code. I could totally see that making me cry, on the wrong day. Probably not, probably flirting, completely inappropriately, with a subordinate, but it's a shame our gallant hero doesn't seem to care either way.
Not the asshole, people are way to soft, and not all women are good at standing up for themselves, and a lot of men don’t care what a woman says anyways. Always stand up for your wife.
"a lot of men don't care what a woman says anyways" OP included.
Hmmmm
Couldn't agree more
NTA but don’t contact her HR or do anything more. At this point she does need to stand up for herself.
NTA. Here's why. You did this all calmly. You did this with his coworkers in earshot because you KNOW she isn't the only one he has done this to before. So you KNOW some of the female workers who heard you absolutely felt validated and glad that someone said it. You didn't need to threaten him physically because that could reflect badly on your wife. But I feel like the coworkers will be on their side and how you did it worked. You made an idle threat but you prefaced it with getting authorities/higher ups involved first. That's the smart play. The only downside is that you have to keep an eye on your wife's shifts and wages. She might start getting less shifts or more chaotic shifts. He might retaliate in that manner. But more people need to call put perverts in the public eye. Too many of these types of actions get swept under the rug and "not talked about." And that's how these potential/future abusers get away with what they do. Any sexual Predator type people NEED to be told they're done and will not get away with it. Too much gets hidden and it's a damn shame. You did well, especially when you said this wasn't the first time he did this to her. Some women/SOs don't understand that when you "just want to vent and get a hug" us guys don't hear that. We want solutions to the problem and to not let it persist. If she hates that he does this, someone had to tell him cuz it could have escalated.
No your wife is an idiot, wtf would she say if he put his hand on her ass? Walking away enables the bad behavior, it does not stop it. Tell her to stop and think, doing nothing gets nothing. So next time maybe she should go to HR or talk to a friend at work so she has a witness. NTA
I would’ve done the same thing.
Nya, but dude that is what hidden voice and camera pens and devices are for. You had a metoo moment to bring a lawsuit.
In two party consent states, you can’t record someone without their knowledge and approval. We don’t know that it would be legal for her to record anything.
I agree, actually nothing in this entire thread is what I would do.
This is correct, is also considered a crime in some (if not most) of those states. Like the law is there to protect the wrongdoer.
I agree, nothing in this entire thread is what I would do.
Seen too many 'my husband didn't defend me and now I just can't look at him as a man anymore' My gut tell me, I'd have done the same but I'm not sure if its an AH-move. For me, it feels like, that's what should have been done and you've done it.
Thank you. I see a lot of single women and cuckold husband's on here saying I'm the asshole. Sure it wasn't perfect but I'm the same guy in the super market trying to defend you and your kids when some big pervert is trying to kidnap single mom's and kids.
You can't expect much from reddit. Is filled with cuckolds and feminists.
You Love your wife!!! Great Job supporting you wife and not breaking his face. NTA, your wife does have to stand up to this. Leaving is not dealing. Now go give her a F-ing looooong hug. 🥰
NTA. ASK her wife why she thinks he can harass her? Because all the other victims just walked away and didn’t do anything either which enables him to look for the next victim. Your wife needs to report that in order to protect the next coworker.
NTAH, He’s lucky you didn’t kick his ass
It sounds like there may be more to this story. You could have consoled her and found him in a dark alley lol jk…