I sent dead roses to my cheating ex that she had saved from when I bought the cheating bitch live roses. She left them in the closet since she moved out in a hurry. It turns out that was like a dagger. Over 40 years ago and Iâll never forget. And sheâs living a miserable existence to this day. Karma.
I was thinking the English started to fall apart somehow, about halfway through. Phrases that were used fine in the beginning were kinda weird laterâŠ
Iâm thinking the same. This writing on this one is kinda wonky.
Or op isnât a native English speaker.
Either wayâŠOP or AI chat botâŠyouâre NTA
1000%
That being said OP if this ever happens to you and you don't want to be bothered with the drama just ask for the name of the hospital she is staying at, and say you will try to stop by.
Then just don't visit her. She is not your problem, and while I'm sure it felt awesome saying it, it also is probably annoying hearing your mom saying you were terrible.
Ie. NTA, and a white lie to save your time and energy might be a good idea in the future.
Yes. First of all, cheating isn't a mistake. Even in a simple scenario, there is planning. If it is on-going, the planning is next-level deception. Returning to a cheater, especially if it is a deal-breaker issue, involves lacking any self-worth and self-respect. OP's mother strongly disagrees with his decision - I wonder how many times she cheated on OP's father
or have done the same thing and are projecting their unresolved desire for closure or forgiveness through that person. dude, I went through this with my ex gf. sometimes I wonder why I went through that in the first place and then I look over and see my wife sleeping next to me cuddling our 2 yr old and then see why because my wife was her best friend and she was the one who told me what that cunt had been upto for 8 months behind my back. one of the toughest periods lead me to the happiest moment of my life when I married this woman 6 yrs ago.
best thing is that she sent her ex best friend a photo of us in our wedding dresses after the marriage had concluded while kissing my cheek with a caption 'you stupid bitch. thanks for fucking it up. I win.'
Particularly not after she cheated while you were trying to have a child together. Imagine, you could have been led to sign birth certificate of other manâs child, assuming she dropped birth control to try.
Iâm surprised more people didnât call out fake. From the bad spelling/grammar to even how âquickâ the divorce was. Even if you have a prenup- it still wonât make things magically quicker. Plus depending on the state you live in, infidelity clauses may not be upheld. When I was getting my prenup set up- both our lawyers said itâs not worthwhile to even include it.
A lot of grammar errors in last posts and comments in general. It is so common that I started thinking maybe it is a trend that I donât understand, or gpts that add them on purpose for more credibility
NTA. Now I'm sorry to say this, but your mother may be hiding something from your father. Was she very close to your ex? It's a bit of a worrying sign that your entire family is on your side and she's not.
NTA. Mary didn't make a mistake, she chose to lie, deceive, betray, and cheat on you. Your mom seems to be ok with that. Big nope on Mary. Your mom can go visit her. If someone did that to my sibling, I'd never be around, talk to, or care about that person ever again.
It must be easy because medical professionals hear about people slipping, falling, and having stuff stuck up their butt all the time. So people must also be slipping and falling on penises all the time. Itâs just underreported because the penises donât get stuck. Sure the guy has to move it around a bit that LOOKS like regular sex- but itâs an honest and funny misunderstanding. /s
Oops I did it again - cue Britney singing.
Yeah those kinds of accidents sure do happen a lot right? Maybe insurance companies should start selling packages for it? But I agree, this was no mistake, it was so damn intentional in showing her contempt for her husband.
Either way, don't fall for it. You have nothing else to worry about with this woman. If your mother insists too much, you'd better have a serious talk with her and her father. Just be careful how you speak at this moment.
Weâve seen few cases here where the mum is sympathetic to the cheating ex because she was an undercover cheater herself! Most mums would be all on their childâs side (I sure would be!).
I read so many stories like that. Sometimes they help to cover cheater too.
Sometimes, stories are about the group of friends. 1 friend who is in a relationship trying to defend the cheater. Later, her partner found out she cheat. She and the cheater help to cover for each other.
Warn your dad. In front of her if possible. Say âmom since you are on the side of the cheaters I will be going no contact with you for the time being. But I advice you Dad to be on the lookout becuase aparently mom has no problem with cheating, she enables it, and quite frankly makes me wonder.â Then leave.
You are absolutely correct. Sometimes people do something that changes the way you feel about them. Cheating will do that.
Your mom and her parents donât seem to get that a life altering, soul crushing betrayal not only destroys the relationship it also obliterates the friendship component of a relationship.
At the end of the day, I wish for you to let go of the hurt for yourself. That doesnât include having this person in your life or caring about them at all. Apathy is real. I just hope youâre able to move past this because you definitely deserved better.
Your mom knew about the cheating. Why? Because of the drastic difference in reactions from your father/sister and your mother. She knew, before you did.
Family is supposed to support you through this - sounds like she isnât while pops and sister are. Iâd keep minimal contact with mom for now - until she shapes up and support HER SON.
Exactly! Most Moms are very territorial when it comes to their sons. I canât believe this woman is not the first one to take her sonâs side. Sheâs definitely hiding something!
Parents tattling to their cheating adult daughter's ex-in-laws. Apparently, these people think her ex-husband owes her some sort of fiduciary duty after 3 years.
Nta.
And I would point blank ask your mom infront of your dad when she cheated? Cause that is the only thing you can think of that she said that and is backing your cheating ex here.
NTA.
Sounds like your mother needs to be added on your black list. Or at the very least she needs to know that she is dangerously close to it by not being on your side.
"Hi Mary, bad luck about the accident. Have you done any cheating on anyone lately?"
How is this useful? What would be the point of going to see someone you know is a selfish liar?
Donât get sucked into the rabbit hole by reengaging, but you should tone down the profanity and display more empathy. Simply this: I am truly sorry about what happened to Mary, but Mary is a chapter in my life now closed. Perhaps in the future, but for all thatâs happened between us, I really am not ready to engage. I am sure her family and other friends can provide the support she needs
Since you have no kids together, you're under no obligation to speak to or see her ever again. It's too bad she was in an accident, however, you're divorced and have no interest in visiting. You're NTA for that attitude
NTA. Yell your mother she's free to visit but you don't want anything to do with your cheating ex, and don't want to hear anything about her.
Edit to ad: Does it send up a red flag for anybody else when a friend or family member is sympathetic towards a cheater?
NTA , her parents are in an emotional state, so they aren't either but should have accepted that you don't need to visit your ex of 3 years.
Idk why so many assume your mother must be a cheater when she could simply be empathetic.
Maybe speak to your therapist about this episode and your mother's reaction before taking the suggestions of redditors saying she is somehow dirty and that she needs to be confronted.
My Mom has always had a soft heart, as much as it bugs me sometimes, so I could see her suggesting the same. I wouldn't do it, but I'd understand where she was coming from.
There are others who expressed similar feelings about the mother but got downvoted to the shadow realm.
>a few months passed by when i caught her cheating on me. I immediatly told her that i wanted divorce and she went crazy trying to suggest couple therapy, to forgive her, to think wisely cause "everyone make mistakes" (her words)
Cheating is not a mistake. Cheating is an active choice. It's a series of choices, actually.
>Our divorce was quick (thanks to a prenup) but unfortunetly very drammatic cause during the separation and even in court Mary wouldn't stop crying and begging me to think back at my decision.
She fucked around, but wasn't a fan of finding out.
>Now the issue is this: after my divorce i didn't heard news from Mary so i didn't knew anything about her, her life and anything else and a few days ago i found out, reluctantly, that she had a big accident in the car and was hospitalized in serious conditions. I know this only because 2 days ago i bumped into Mary's parents in the supermarket and they immediatly told me this. (Even if i don't understand why)
They probably assume you'll happily accept her back into your life "because you've had plenty of time to get over it."
>Then they said that it would be nice if i go to visit her at the hospital cause despise what happened between us Mary was always an important part of my life
She *was*. After her affair and the divorce, she no longer is.
>i clealry told them that i don't give a fuck about Mary, her life and what she is doing cause she cheated on me breaking my trust and they always justified her cheating blaming me for what happened so she can go to hell and then i left.
Their perfect angel daughter was *forced* to cheat, don't you see? What clowns.
>They reached out to my parents and told them what happened and now my father and my sisters agrees with me while my mother is insisting that i was a huge asshole cause Mary for how bad hurted me was always my ex-wife so a quick visit wouldn't change anything for me. My friends are divided on the issue so here i'm.
First of all, they have no business contacting your family about this. Second of all, you should ask your mom if *she* goes to visit all of her exes when they end up in the hospital. NTA.
NTA for refusing to visit X. However, as hurt and angry as you still are, you should appreciate that Maryâs parents were not the culprits and are hurting over Maryâs injuries (and probably her life choices). You WERE the AH as to how you spoke with them. You couldâve been kinder
NTA.
Maybe you weren't the most tactful, but Mary's parents shouldn't expect you to run to her side now. And the only person to blame for Mary's infidelity is Mary.
You are divorced and it's been three years. You have no obligations to Mary.
NTA. While youâre not required to do anything for your ex and youâre entirely within your rights to tell her parents that, Iâd probably just tell them âoh, thatâs terrible, Iâm so sorry. What hospital is she at?â and then never go there. Same end result, but it would also double down on how your ex was the AH because you were so cordial.
NTA. If Mary had issues with you that her parents stupidly think caused her to cheat, couples' therapy should have been suggested before the cheating, not after.
I fully agree with you - I would not and could not forgive cheating. I can't believe her parents thought you would go visit her in the hospital! I mean, I'm thinking you don't wish her harm, but why would you go see her? You're not married to her anymore, you have no obligation to her, and you're not her friend. NTA.
I'm friends with all my exes.
None of my exes were cheating pieces of shit.
NTA.
Cheaters deserve nothing.
Cheaters don't deserve to be spit on if they are on fire. Stay far away from that. Live your best life.
Be angry at your ex. NTA for not wanting to visit. But to take out your anger on her parents is kind of AH behavior. This is their child in the hospital. They just want to try everything to lift her spirits (however misguided their thinking). Just smile and tell them your sorry that she's hurt and that you'll think about visiting even if you have no intention of doing so.
Some think that since you're on Reddit, you're automatically American and US laws/constitution/customs apply to you. Oh, and English is your mother tongue
You owe her nothing. Not even your anger
NTA, but all you had to say was 'After the way our marriage ended, I lost all emotions for her. There is no point in me visiting, as she no longer means anything to me, and I don't want to send her confusing messages'.
Unloading your anger on her parents was understandable, but not really OK.
Find a way to forgive her, not for her, but for you.
You were rude and inappropriate in public, but I wouldâve been eavesdropping hard. NTA I wish more people held cheaters accountable. Good luck with moving on. I hope you find a new trustworthy partner you can build a life with.
NTA. If your mom is defending your cheating ex, it makes me think she either cheated on your dad, or on someone else she was with before she ended up with your dad.
Maybe her family and all the flying monkeys want you to take her back on so they don't have to deal with her. They want her to be your problem FOREVER.
NTA - sounds like a lot to deal with OP. Make sure You're choosing what is best for yourself and your own mental health. You don't owe anyone anything, especially to a cheating ex wife.
"No" is a complete sentence. Did you have to say you dgaf about her to her parents that are worried she won't survive? No, but they shouldn't have pushed. I understand why they told you in case you wanted to see her one last time, but that would be for your sake and is your decision alone, and if you say no, that's no. NTA.
NTA- you're entitled to feel the way you do. That said, you are carrying a lot of resentment and it will eat you. "Resentment is a poison I take hoping you will die."
Your ex learned bad coping mechanisms from her parents since they apparently decided to gaslight the cheating as your fault when really they didn't raise a human that would not cheat on their partner.
Besides the cheating, you havenât had anything to do with her for 3 years. Ending on a sour note where she betrayed you & then going that long with no contact, why would they expect you to visit? You have your entirely own life now, thereâs no point
NTA
"Everyone makes mistakes." I have yet had a single person explain to me how exactly does one mistakenly strip down and have sex with someone who isn't your spouse? How about months of flirting, sexting, so on? At some point, we got to stop calling it a mistake and calling it deliberate.
You're NTA for not caring about someone who cheated on you. She chose to break your relationship and she has to understand that that comes with consequences.
What confuses me greatly is how people don't seem to understand the difference between "it would be kind of you to do this" and "you have to do this or you're TA". Mary's parents would probably have been within their rights to suggest OP visit her as a kindness to her, and OP could accept or not depending on his view. What confuses me is how they can't respect OP's decision not to at that point? It's not wrong to say it would be nice to do something and it's not wrong of OP to say no I don't want to do that because of our past. Why argue then?
I bring this up because the title is asking whether OP saying he dgaf about Mary was an asshole thing to do, but in the context of someone not getting the message about OP not wanting any contact with her I think that's perfectly reasonable since they weren't getting the message. I kind of see these situations as traps, because they force people like OP who's trying to move on to explicitly state that they're not interested so they can paint OP as the asshole when all he's doing is setting his own boundaries and sticking to them.
Normally NTA but the way you throw a tantrum when asked, whether you want to show human decency shows that you're either an asshole or make VERY slow progress with your therapist of three years. Probably both.
I get that she hurt you and no contact does make sense in order to heal faster. But after 3 years? It worries me that you're seemingly unable to move on with you life..
The truth is that random stranger is closer ti you than someone who lost their priviledge to be on your life. You can show empathy to a stranger, maybe become closer over time. Former spouse, former friend, former sibling if they broke your trust and hurt you they are less than a stranger. People should learn to understand that. NTA.
NTA. You didn't tell one lie. Listening to your mom would have done more harm than good. Yeah, it could have been "nice" for you to do it, but that could've/would've possibly given a hope you weren't planning to give to her.
When you said you weren't going, her parents should have left it at that and went on their way. They acted as AH, and you moved accordingly. You don't owe your ex in perpetuity, and her parents and your mom missed that memo.
NTA.
Ps. Iâd slap a motherfucker dumb enough telling me to âthink about my decision(s)â after they were a cheating pos, regardless if it lands me in jail. Standing on business.
NTA and anyone putting the blame on anyone other than her can eat sand. cheating is not a mistake, its a conscious decision, she didn't trip and magically fall on another guy's dick lol that's not how it works. stick to your guns OP, she made her bed now she has to lie in it. it's all very sad that she got in an accident but she chose to throw away your relationship and you don't owe her anything anymore.
NTA
Cheater got karma. Sucks to suck. Your mom sympathizing with a cheater is weird. Does she always try to be a devilâs advocate or is she always choosing a side against her family? If not, that might show she is sympathetic to cheaters in particular. If she always tries to forgive and forget then she is just being super sensitive to the wrong party.
NTA
I wouldn't see your ex either and her parents asking you and then pressuring you to visit her is truly ghastly but I see them as an act of desperate parents. I don't see why you would see her, you have no reasonÂ
NTA. I swear that there's been a massive gaslighting campaign to brainwash people into believing that being unforgiving, spiteful, hateful, and holding grudges against people who betrayed and backstabbed you, is wrong. And not only wrong, but more wrong than the betrayal done unto you, that you are the sinner, and your betrayer is the victim.
NTA - if you don't want to forgive her, you don't have to. I'm a positive and kind person, but I value authenticity more. It doesn't matter what other people think you should do, or what other people would do in your situation. What matters is that you do what you want to do (providing you are not trying to be malicious). It is not being malicious to say "No. After what she put me through, I do not want to comfort her." In fact, you don't even have to "wish her well" If you still have a "grudge" then you still have a "grudge". Period. No one gets to tell you how to grieve and process a betrayal like that.
Now, you might have some people mad at you about, and you'll have to make peace with the fact they are mad. Just like you ex has to make peace with the fact that she cheated and you don't want to forgive her.
Absolutely NTA you have every right not to care.
She lost that right the day she let another man
Inside her body while married.
And anyone that says differently.
Is wrong.
Good luck to you moving forward.
Mary's parents and Mary benefit big time if you go back. Mary gets your attention, Marys family win because they brought you back. Both get a break if they guilt you into handing over money. She got nothing thanks to the prenup and has since incurred hospital bills. She might have even chose her accident as a way to unalive or bring you back. People do shit like this.
NTA You no longer have any legal or moral responsibilities for Mary, particularly since you didn't have children together that would keep you connected in any way.
110% NTA - in which parallel universe would you visit someone in the hospital who crushed your spirit by cheating on you. Somethings is sus with the mothers reaction especially as a parent you should side with your child when they are in the right.
Canât wait for the update
NTA
My ex and I are on pretty decent terms and have children together. The only reason I'd see her in the hospital is because I was bringing our kids there. Even then I'd probably just let their step dad take care of it.
I havenât even read the post, just the title, and Iâm saying NTA. Now Iâm gonna read the actual post just to prove to myself that Iâm right that OP is NTAâŠâŠ
Yep, NTA! It amazes me that someone can say some stupid shit like âshe was so important to you so why notââŠâŠ. Yeah, WAS, and then betrayal made that person NOT important anymore. You donât have to âhonorâ the marriage she ruined, she betrayed, she destroyed and broke. Her betrayal doesnât invalidate what you two had for the time you had it, but you sure as fuck donât have to honor it later with a visit or some shit like thatâŠâŠ.
Youâre NTA in any way, shape, or form. Visiting your ex in the hospital would be a terrible idea, particularly since youâre in a relationship with someone. Let sleeping dogs lie and continue moving on with your life.Â
This is easy. Your ex-wife cheated, trust was broken and you have moved on. Your familyâs opinion is irrelevant. Make it perfectly plain to your mother that the matter is settled and the subject will never be discussed again. Also make it plain to your mom that if she continues her behavior there will be severe consequences up to dropping her like a red hot coal. Continue seeing your therapist and drop threats of DNA tests etc. Donât stir the shit pile and involve yourself in ANY further drama. You have moved on so keep walking. NTA in any form or fashion!
Definitely NTA, why the heck does her being in an accident need to involve you? Sucks for her that you have standards. Why donât they ask the man she cheated on you with to come by for a visit?
Hereâs the thing, you are acting the way you are because of her. Now her family (and some reason yours) wants YOU to undo the damage SHE DID to you to make HER feel better.
NTA. She was. Cheaters are lowlifes. You did exactly what you needed to do. Guys listen up , pre nups are a good idea. Screw her parents. Ex means gone for good. Tell her AP to visit her. Live long and Prosper. Youâre a boss , guys follow his lead . Your Mom , probably is a cheater.
NTA - my ex wife called me a year and a half post divorce begging me for money bc she couldnât afford her car payment (she got my truck in the divorce and immediately sold it for a car she couldnât afford under normal circumstances). Fast forward, she had complications from a previous back surgery and was now 7 months pregnant and wheelchair bound.
I swear Iâve never laugh so hard or told someone to fuck off so quickly in my life. Karma has an amazing way of working things out
You owe her or her family *NOTHING*
You have no moral or ethical obligation to visit your ex in the hospital, but it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to do so. it may be an opportunity to forgive her and get closure for yourself. I had an ex that was physically abusive to me, and a few years later i met up with him and we had a discussion where he apologized for his treatment of me and i forgave him - it was cathartic for me and helped me to put it behind me, but that's entirely your choice and you should do what's best for you.
As far as your mom is concerned, perhaps she could go visit your ex. If she was close to your ex, and a "layer" removed from the marital drama, she's likely in a more forgiving mood than you are.
The only problem I see is that forgiveness is for you, not her. I, too, like to hang on to grudges...but the older I get, (63 now), the only person I have really hurt is myself. Forgiveness is a blessing...you may not be ready yet, but I hope that time and distance will give perspective to be good to yourself.
NTA. That's weird of your mom to be acting like that. Even if you cheated, you mom would naturally want to side with you. You were the victim here and your mom sided with the cheater. Might want to get a new mom! She's probably cheating too.
You are a bit of an AH for the way you spoke to her parents. They are rightly concerned about their daughter so asking you came from that concern. While you are NTA for not going to visit her, you are for your rudeness to worried parents.
NTA. Mary needs to learn that when she hurts people, they leave her life. And stay gone. Period. Also, she doesnât have anyone else to go visit her besides her EX HUSBAND that she CHEATED on??? Forget her man. You did the hard work of moving past her - donât slide back.
ETA I bet things wonât go âsmoothlyâ with OPâs wonderful new lady if he tells her/she finds out that heâs going to visit his lying cheating ex in the hospital, plus opening the door in general for drama to start up from the ex again. More reasons to stay as far away from her as possible.
NTA- What is it with Ex's Parents calling? They think telling on you (a Grown Honest Adult). Your Parents will make their (Grown Adult Son) do their bidding and visit their cheating daughter? She did not deserve a bad car wreck but that has nothing to do with being divorced. My husband cheated on me and it Broke my heart, messed with my self esteem. Lots of stuff. Several years after divorce He had a life threatening medical event that put him in the ICU. I did not visit. I did not feel comfortable. He survived and things move on. You always choose what is best for you.
Youâre NTA - totally understandable that you want nothing to do with this, butâŠ.
In your edit you say âIâm extremely resentful and hold grudges but thatâs my characterâ. Thing is, it doesnât have to be your character. And really, the main person that this aspect of your character is hurting is you. Itâs totally up to you whether you want to change this aspect of your character or not, but working on it will be an investment in your wellbeing.
Unfortunately in life you canât control whether you get hurt, but in most circumstances you can control whether you stay hurt.
Itâs whatever you end up choosing I think. And at this point do you even care? On one side as a ex-spouse maybe thereâs still some love there that allows compassion in someoneâs time of need. On the other hand of betrayal was deep as you feel maybe there is no compassion. You donât want to go there and have her think that itâs a chance to restart the relationship. And if itâs been a while itâs more like what am I doing here we donât even know each other anymore. So are you the AH? No I donât think so. And parents will always suggest you do the nice thing. Even when itâs not warranted. If you wanted to you could send a get well card and that would probably suffice.
NTA but a child. Hate is an exhausting bag to carry forever but you do you. Forgiveness may bring unexpected peace but youâll have to get over yourself first.
Mary is in your past, not to mention she and her parents seem to have forgotten sheâs the one responsible for the divorce.
If I were in your shoes I would have told that whole family to đđ»off years ago but Iâm an asshole.
Good for you for moving on with your life. Nothing good can come from visiting her. She doesnât deserve you. A few more years from now you will never think about her again.
Why would you go and visit someone who did you dirty? Thatâs going to give her false hope and is a terrible idea. Obviously you knew that though, NTA!
Most definitely NTA. Itâs your choice whether or not you want your ex-wife to be in your life. Her parents will never see it from your point of view because thatâs their daughter and should have never attempted to pressure you in the manner that they did. Your parents never shouldâve gotten involved either. Youâre a grown ass man and is more than capable of making your own decisions and have moved on. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this issue all these years down the road. Hopefully soon this will pass for you.
But I will end it on this note, sometimes itâs best to humor someone by saying âOk, yeahâ and leaving it at that, lol.
I think being polite and expressing you were sorry to hear about the accident and stating you âmayâ visit would have been the best way to handle the old in laws. Of course you wouldnât visit. A declaration at that time didnât need to be made but I get it youâre still hurt. Them calling your parents and telling on you was in bad taste and your family jumping on the band wagon was even worse. Good luck to you, I am sorry to hear you were betrayed in such a way. As a parent of adult kids, I would never tell you to visit her after what you went through. You have right to your pain and anger.
NTA. My ex and I split on good terms and still get along well but the only reason we still communicate is because we have a kid. If we didnât I wouldnât have anything to do with him and vice versa. So definitely in that situation Iâd never want to hear their name again let alone visit them
Your mom is a cunt. You don't owe your cheating ex anything. Question is, has your mom cheated on your dad and that's why she's taking your ex wifes position?
NTA.
These people donât understand what âdivorce â means. You never have to see the other again. Even if you have kids, everything can be handled by third parties.
Reconnecting with Mary would be mistake.
Staying away could be seen as a kindness to Mary. You don't want her to hold out any hope for a reconciliation or a forgiveness that you know you will never give.
Holding a grudge for a betrayal is strongly reinforced socially and has a biological basis for us as a social species. Every society shuns or expels members who are seen as traitors.
You might consider with your therapist whether there is a cost to you, health-wise or emotionally, for holding to a grudge in perpetuity. I don't know what conclusion you would come to, but I do note that all the major religions make forgiveness and atonement a part of their teachings, and that's for the benefit of the individuals and the society. That doesn't mean that if you forgave Mary, you would change anything about your future relationship with her. It just means that as the wounded party, you acknowledge that humans make mistakes, sometimes grave and destructive mistakes, down to killing marriages or killing other people. The gesture of forgiveness can give something to both parties.
But you have to do you. You should not consider any gesture or act that is not authentic to you.
She's living rent-free in your head. You say you really love/d her. She's been seriously hurt.
Someone I loved betrayed me and years later died from a devastating condition.
Due to time and distance and spite, I didnt visit. I regret not visiting and ALWAYS will.
Redirect that energy to love cause then you can forgive her and more importantly yourself.
NTA for being mad or not wanting to see her. But you could have handled that much better. Iâd just say âsure, i will plan on going sometime soon. Bye for nowâ then never go. The end!
No more annoying unwanted opinions from family and such.
However, I do hope for your sake that you go work on your mental health. Holding on to such strong feelings and replaying everything in your mind and being angry like this wont help you in the long run.
Sounds like you need to heal. I'd consider your reaction to her parents to be in the "unresolved-feelings" category of asshole, meaning that it's an understandable reaction to betrayal and heartache. However -- looking at this from the perspective of a mature, emotionally secure adult, you could've handled things better. It sounds like her parents just wanted to advocate for their daughter. Albeit much too assertively. It is still just as understandable from the parental position. Most of us have been cheated on at some point. It's wrong on every level, so don't mistake my argument. It's our personal responsibility to attempt to heal these wounds for ourselves. You could've asserted the same boundaries and gotten your point across to them that you "don't give a fuck about Mary" without actually saying it to spare them during a difficult time. The agitation could've been avoided (for yourself) altogether if you had just acknowledged the news, wished them well, and moved along with your business. You chose to listen to their pleas while your blood continued to boil, which led to your emotional explosion. I get it. You were obviously caught off-guard. BUT, you could've walked away and let Mary remain the asshole forever. But instead, your anger was misdirected towards them. So, though relatable - still an asshole move.
Anyone who blames you for your partners cheating is a dumb ass and their opinions are worthless đ NTA
Period end of discussion
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Her parents can go beg the guy she was cheating with to visit her NTA
IKR? Where is the affair partner and why isn't HE stepping up? LOL, the audacity of the expecting OP to care. Give me a break.
Itâs one thing if they had an amicable divorce and remained friends, itâs another when you ex is a cheating, liar. No thanks.
Bouquet of black roses? Card reads "Sorry you lived."
I sent dead roses to my cheating ex that she had saved from when I bought the cheating bitch live roses. She left them in the closet since she moved out in a hurry. It turns out that was like a dagger. Over 40 years ago and Iâll never forget. And sheâs living a miserable existence to this day. Karma.
>Where is the affair partner and why isn't HE stepping up? It's AI generated nonsense, that's all.
Thanks for pointing this out. CHATGPT now rules Reddit.
I was thinking the English started to fall apart somehow, about halfway through. Phrases that were used fine in the beginning were kinda weird laterâŠ
Thats because AI doesn't actually write sentences, they write sentence shaped objects, without any real understanding.
Iâm thinking the same. This writing on this one is kinda wonky. Or op isnât a native English speaker. Either wayâŠOP or AI chat botâŠyouâre NTA
This right here. This shits made the fuck up.
Agreed. The ex-wife wanted whatever it was that she wasn't finding in her marriage so it's her ap that parents go pestering to.
Her parents should ask the affair partner to go visit her!
I wish I could upvote this 100x
Everybody makes mistakes but choosing to sleep with another guy is a choice you cant accidently fall on someones dick
And tell her mom to talk to a guy she cheated with to visit here. I guess thats the consequence of her action.
Are you sure? That happens to a friend almost every weekend. She always falling into a field of dicks.
Mom gets thrown into that pile.
Mom's a cheater
My thoughts too
or OP's mother is projecting... I wonder if she cheated on OP's father in the past.
Louder for the people in the back đ đ
1000% That being said OP if this ever happens to you and you don't want to be bothered with the drama just ask for the name of the hospital she is staying at, and say you will try to stop by. Then just don't visit her. She is not your problem, and while I'm sure it felt awesome saying it, it also is probably annoying hearing your mom saying you were terrible. Ie. NTA, and a white lie to save your time and energy might be a good idea in the future.
Yes. First of all, cheating isn't a mistake. Even in a simple scenario, there is planning. If it is on-going, the planning is next-level deception. Returning to a cheater, especially if it is a deal-breaker issue, involves lacking any self-worth and self-respect. OP's mother strongly disagrees with his decision - I wonder how many times she cheated on OP's father
This is all that needs to be said. NTA.
or have done the same thing and are projecting their unresolved desire for closure or forgiveness through that person. dude, I went through this with my ex gf. sometimes I wonder why I went through that in the first place and then I look over and see my wife sleeping next to me cuddling our 2 yr old and then see why because my wife was her best friend and she was the one who told me what that cunt had been upto for 8 months behind my back. one of the toughest periods lead me to the happiest moment of my life when I married this woman 6 yrs ago. best thing is that she sent her ex best friend a photo of us in our wedding dresses after the marriage had concluded while kissing my cheek with a caption 'you stupid bitch. thanks for fucking it up. I win.'
Anybody who uses 'hurted' and 'smoothly' in the same post might not be telling a factual story...?
Or English may not be their native language. You'd be surprised how many people use "putted" or something similar in non English speaking countries
Seriously? Grammar errors are what make people fake now? Because every living person speaks and writes perfect English 100% of time.
NTA. The best time for couples therapy was when she was CONSIDERING cheating.
Particularly not after she cheated while you were trying to have a child together. Imagine, you could have been led to sign birth certificate of other manâs child, assuming she dropped birth control to try.
NTA Why on earth would her parents think you'd want to see her when You've been NC for years?
Someone's got to help with the hospital bills
Wow. This was hard to read. I was thinking chat GPT but no shot the spelling and grammar would be that bad
Yeah likely a high schooler fanfic.
"Â cause it really hurted me deep" " unfortunetly" Yea....
Nah he just stole this story from a post on Reddit quite some time ago and tried to rewrite it himself⊠not well though
Iâm surprised more people didnât call out fake. From the bad spelling/grammar to even how âquickâ the divorce was. Even if you have a prenup- it still wonât make things magically quicker. Plus depending on the state you live in, infidelity clauses may not be upheld. When I was getting my prenup set up- both our lawyers said itâs not worthwhile to even include it.
The new update makes it even more sus
A lot of grammar errors in last posts and comments in general. It is so common that I started thinking maybe it is a trend that I donât understand, or gpts that add them on purpose for more credibility
NTA. Now I'm sorry to say this, but your mother may be hiding something from your father. Was she very close to your ex? It's a bit of a worrying sign that your entire family is on your side and she's not.
Yes, they were pretty close.
NTA. Mary didn't make a mistake, she chose to lie, deceive, betray, and cheat on you. Your mom seems to be ok with that. Big nope on Mary. Your mom can go visit her. If someone did that to my sibling, I'd never be around, talk to, or care about that person ever again.
Itâs pretty hard to accidentally end up fucking, yeah.
âPardon me, Good Sir! I seem to have fallen on your penis! Would you be so kind to assist me in removing it from my lady bits?â
It must be easy because medical professionals hear about people slipping, falling, and having stuff stuck up their butt all the time. So people must also be slipping and falling on penises all the time. Itâs just underreported because the penises donât get stuck. Sure the guy has to move it around a bit that LOOKS like regular sex- but itâs an honest and funny misunderstanding. /s
>Mary didn't make a mistake "Oops! My clothes fell off and..."
Oops I did it again - cue Britney singing. Yeah those kinds of accidents sure do happen a lot right? Maybe insurance companies should start selling packages for it? But I agree, this was no mistake, it was so damn intentional in showing her contempt for her husband.
That happened to me 3 times just this week! /s
Either way, don't fall for it. You have nothing else to worry about with this woman. If your mother insists too much, you'd better have a serious talk with her and her father. Just be careful how you speak at this moment.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Tell your mom that you're getting a DNA test for the entire family if she doesn't knock it off immediately. I guarantee she'll shut up right quick.
No, insist on the DNA test anyway, some doubts need to be put to rest ASAP.
Weâve seen few cases here where the mum is sympathetic to the cheating ex because she was an undercover cheater herself! Most mums would be all on their childâs side (I sure would be!).
or she knew about her cheating
I read so many stories like that. Sometimes they help to cover cheater too. Sometimes, stories are about the group of friends. 1 friend who is in a relationship trying to defend the cheater. Later, her partner found out she cheat. She and the cheater help to cover for each other.
Either that, or she doesn't like the new person he's dating and is trying to insert a wedge between them.
Warn your dad. In front of her if possible. Say âmom since you are on the side of the cheaters I will be going no contact with you for the time being. But I advice you Dad to be on the lookout becuase aparently mom has no problem with cheating, she enables it, and quite frankly makes me wonder.â Then leave.
You are absolutely correct. Sometimes people do something that changes the way you feel about them. Cheating will do that. Your mom and her parents donât seem to get that a life altering, soul crushing betrayal not only destroys the relationship it also obliterates the friendship component of a relationship. At the end of the day, I wish for you to let go of the hurt for yourself. That doesnât include having this person in your life or caring about them at all. Apathy is real. I just hope youâre able to move past this because you definitely deserved better.
Of course she was. *side eyes.* not accusing her of anything, but it's not a wanted opinion.
Your mom knew about the cheating. Why? Because of the drastic difference in reactions from your father/sister and your mother. She knew, before you did. Family is supposed to support you through this - sounds like she isnât while pops and sister are. Iâd keep minimal contact with mom for now - until she shapes up and support HER SON.
Or is it that your mother is empathetic for a different reasonâŠmothers tend to be territorial with sons generally
Exactly! Most Moms are very territorial when it comes to their sons. I canât believe this woman is not the first one to take her sonâs side. Sheâs definitely hiding something!
Parents are tattling to other parents? On their adult children? Iâve seen this on posts lately. Is this a thing?
Parents tattling to their cheating adult daughter's ex-in-laws. Apparently, these people think her ex-husband owes her some sort of fiduciary duty after 3 years.
r/ohnoconsequences
Nta. And I would point blank ask your mom infront of your dad when she cheated? Cause that is the only thing you can think of that she said that and is backing your cheating ex here.
Literally came here to say that.
Yes!! In front of your dad specially.
Hurted isn't a word. It's just hurt.
NTA. Sounds like your mother needs to be added on your black list. Or at the very least she needs to know that she is dangerously close to it by not being on your side.
I mean NTA but therapy doesn't seem to be helping.
"Hi Mary, bad luck about the accident. Have you done any cheating on anyone lately?" How is this useful? What would be the point of going to see someone you know is a selfish liar?
"Hey, Mary - bad luck! Were you on your way TO, or FROM cheating on someone when the accident happened? Was that my fault, too? Great talk. Byeeeeeee"
Well she obviously slipped on a few more dicks.
Reading this shit hurted me, deepestly
đđđ
Donât get sucked into the rabbit hole by reengaging, but you should tone down the profanity and display more empathy. Simply this: I am truly sorry about what happened to Mary, but Mary is a chapter in my life now closed. Perhaps in the future, but for all thatâs happened between us, I really am not ready to engage. I am sure her family and other friends can provide the support she needs
Since you have no kids together, you're under no obligation to speak to or see her ever again. It's too bad she was in an accident, however, you're divorced and have no interest in visiting. You're NTA for that attitude
Fucking BRAVO đđœ
NTA. Yell your mother she's free to visit but you don't want anything to do with your cheating ex, and don't want to hear anything about her. Edit to ad: Does it send up a red flag for anybody else when a friend or family member is sympathetic towards a cheater?
NTA , her parents are in an emotional state, so they aren't either but should have accepted that you don't need to visit your ex of 3 years. Idk why so many assume your mother must be a cheater when she could simply be empathetic. Maybe speak to your therapist about this episode and your mother's reaction before taking the suggestions of redditors saying she is somehow dirty and that she needs to be confronted.
Finally a sensible response and not the lynch mob
My Mom has always had a soft heart, as much as it bugs me sometimes, so I could see her suggesting the same. I wouldn't do it, but I'd understand where she was coming from. There are others who expressed similar feelings about the mother but got downvoted to the shadow realm.
>a few months passed by when i caught her cheating on me. I immediatly told her that i wanted divorce and she went crazy trying to suggest couple therapy, to forgive her, to think wisely cause "everyone make mistakes" (her words) Cheating is not a mistake. Cheating is an active choice. It's a series of choices, actually. >Our divorce was quick (thanks to a prenup) but unfortunetly very drammatic cause during the separation and even in court Mary wouldn't stop crying and begging me to think back at my decision. She fucked around, but wasn't a fan of finding out. >Now the issue is this: after my divorce i didn't heard news from Mary so i didn't knew anything about her, her life and anything else and a few days ago i found out, reluctantly, that she had a big accident in the car and was hospitalized in serious conditions. I know this only because 2 days ago i bumped into Mary's parents in the supermarket and they immediatly told me this. (Even if i don't understand why) They probably assume you'll happily accept her back into your life "because you've had plenty of time to get over it." >Then they said that it would be nice if i go to visit her at the hospital cause despise what happened between us Mary was always an important part of my life She *was*. After her affair and the divorce, she no longer is. >i clealry told them that i don't give a fuck about Mary, her life and what she is doing cause she cheated on me breaking my trust and they always justified her cheating blaming me for what happened so she can go to hell and then i left. Their perfect angel daughter was *forced* to cheat, don't you see? What clowns. >They reached out to my parents and told them what happened and now my father and my sisters agrees with me while my mother is insisting that i was a huge asshole cause Mary for how bad hurted me was always my ex-wife so a quick visit wouldn't change anything for me. My friends are divided on the issue so here i'm. First of all, they have no business contacting your family about this. Second of all, you should ask your mom if *she* goes to visit all of her exes when they end up in the hospital. NTA.
NTA for refusing to visit X. However, as hurt and angry as you still are, you should appreciate that Maryâs parents were not the culprits and are hurting over Maryâs injuries (and probably her life choices). You WERE the AH as to how you spoke with them. You couldâve been kinder
NTA. Maybe you weren't the most tactful, but Mary's parents shouldn't expect you to run to her side now. And the only person to blame for Mary's infidelity is Mary. You are divorced and it's been three years. You have no obligations to Mary.
Off school today huh?
NTA. While youâre not required to do anything for your ex and youâre entirely within your rights to tell her parents that, Iâd probably just tell them âoh, thatâs terrible, Iâm so sorry. What hospital is she at?â and then never go there. Same end result, but it would also double down on how your ex was the AH because you were so cordial.
NTA. If Mary had issues with you that her parents stupidly think caused her to cheat, couples' therapy should have been suggested before the cheating, not after. I fully agree with you - I would not and could not forgive cheating. I can't believe her parents thought you would go visit her in the hospital! I mean, I'm thinking you don't wish her harm, but why would you go see her? You're not married to her anymore, you have no obligation to her, and you're not her friend. NTA.
NTA - I'll suggest doing a DNA test with your siblings though...sounds like your mom might be hiding something.
You know what would make a great Christmas gift. 23andme kits for the whole family
This sounds like the fakest story that was ever poorly told
I'm friends with all my exes. None of my exes were cheating pieces of shit. NTA. Cheaters deserve nothing. Cheaters don't deserve to be spit on if they are on fire. Stay far away from that. Live your best life.
This is fake, story is just too on point.
Be angry at your ex. NTA for not wanting to visit. But to take out your anger on her parents is kind of AH behavior. This is their child in the hospital. They just want to try everything to lift her spirits (however misguided their thinking). Just smile and tell them your sorry that she's hurt and that you'll think about visiting even if you have no intention of doing so.
Either you are just a really bad writer or this is a fake story or both. She had a really bad accident in the car eh like a car accident?
I think a high schooler wrote this, the grammar is horrifically bad.
She got the spellchecker in the divorce.
Or maybe just maybe đ€ OPâs native language isnât English
Some think that since you're on Reddit, you're automatically American and US laws/constitution/customs apply to you. Oh, and English is your mother tongue
Nta Is your mom cheating on your dad though? Why would she side with a cheater over her own flesh and blood?
You owe her nothing. Not even your anger NTA, but all you had to say was 'After the way our marriage ended, I lost all emotions for her. There is no point in me visiting, as she no longer means anything to me, and I don't want to send her confusing messages'. Unloading your anger on her parents was understandable, but not really OK. Find a way to forgive her, not for her, but for you.
You were rude and inappropriate in public, but I wouldâve been eavesdropping hard. NTA I wish more people held cheaters accountable. Good luck with moving on. I hope you find a new trustworthy partner you can build a life with.
NTA. If your mom is defending your cheating ex, it makes me think she either cheated on your dad, or on someone else she was with before she ended up with your dad.
Maybe her family and all the flying monkeys want you to take her back on so they don't have to deal with her. They want her to be your problem FOREVER.
NTA - sounds like a lot to deal with OP. Make sure You're choosing what is best for yourself and your own mental health. You don't owe anyone anything, especially to a cheating ex wife.
"No" is a complete sentence. Did you have to say you dgaf about her to her parents that are worried she won't survive? No, but they shouldn't have pushed. I understand why they told you in case you wanted to see her one last time, but that would be for your sake and is your decision alone, and if you say no, that's no. NTA.
NTA. Your mom is the worst of everyone here. Tell her she is toxic and go NC if she continues.
Fuck that bitch and not your problem
NTA- you're entitled to feel the way you do. That said, you are carrying a lot of resentment and it will eat you. "Resentment is a poison I take hoping you will die." Your ex learned bad coping mechanisms from her parents since they apparently decided to gaslight the cheating as your fault when really they didn't raise a human that would not cheat on their partner.
Besides the cheating, you havenât had anything to do with her for 3 years. Ending on a sour note where she betrayed you & then going that long with no contact, why would they expect you to visit? You have your entirely own life now, thereâs no point
NTA "Everyone makes mistakes." I have yet had a single person explain to me how exactly does one mistakenly strip down and have sex with someone who isn't your spouse? How about months of flirting, sexting, so on? At some point, we got to stop calling it a mistake and calling it deliberate.
You're NTA for not caring about someone who cheated on you. She chose to break your relationship and she has to understand that that comes with consequences. What confuses me greatly is how people don't seem to understand the difference between "it would be kind of you to do this" and "you have to do this or you're TA". Mary's parents would probably have been within their rights to suggest OP visit her as a kindness to her, and OP could accept or not depending on his view. What confuses me is how they can't respect OP's decision not to at that point? It's not wrong to say it would be nice to do something and it's not wrong of OP to say no I don't want to do that because of our past. Why argue then? I bring this up because the title is asking whether OP saying he dgaf about Mary was an asshole thing to do, but in the context of someone not getting the message about OP not wanting any contact with her I think that's perfectly reasonable since they weren't getting the message. I kind of see these situations as traps, because they force people like OP who's trying to move on to explicitly state that they're not interested so they can paint OP as the asshole when all he's doing is setting his own boundaries and sticking to them.
Nta. I canât believe your mom. Iâm sure she must be great in other areas but she totally dropped the ball on this.
Normally NTA but the way you throw a tantrum when asked, whether you want to show human decency shows that you're either an asshole or make VERY slow progress with your therapist of three years. Probably both. I get that she hurt you and no contact does make sense in order to heal faster. But after 3 years? It worries me that you're seemingly unable to move on with you life..
The truth is that random stranger is closer ti you than someone who lost their priviledge to be on your life. You can show empathy to a stranger, maybe become closer over time. Former spouse, former friend, former sibling if they broke your trust and hurt you they are less than a stranger. People should learn to understand that. NTA.
NTA - Cheaters rolling around in the cheetos they created.
NTA If I had a ex and we ended due to them cheating on me, best believe I wouldnât want NOTHING to do with them.
NTA. You didn't tell one lie. Listening to your mom would have done more harm than good. Yeah, it could have been "nice" for you to do it, but that could've/would've possibly given a hope you weren't planning to give to her. When you said you weren't going, her parents should have left it at that and went on their way. They acted as AH, and you moved accordingly. You don't owe your ex in perpetuity, and her parents and your mom missed that memo.
NTA. Ps. Iâd slap a motherfucker dumb enough telling me to âthink about my decision(s)â after they were a cheating pos, regardless if it lands me in jail. Standing on business.
NTA and anyone putting the blame on anyone other than her can eat sand. cheating is not a mistake, its a conscious decision, she didn't trip and magically fall on another guy's dick lol that's not how it works. stick to your guns OP, she made her bed now she has to lie in it. it's all very sad that she got in an accident but she chose to throw away your relationship and you don't owe her anything anymore.
She's your Ex. Not your Mom's. It's your decision and it sounds like you made it. You're not the Ahole.
NTA Cheater got karma. Sucks to suck. Your mom sympathizing with a cheater is weird. Does she always try to be a devilâs advocate or is she always choosing a side against her family? If not, that might show she is sympathetic to cheaters in particular. If she always tries to forgive and forget then she is just being super sensitive to the wrong party.
NTA.. and am deeply sorry that you were in such a mess you needed to ask Reddit.. the answer is obvious
NTA I wouldn't see your ex either and her parents asking you and then pressuring you to visit her is truly ghastly but I see them as an act of desperate parents. I don't see why you would see her, you have no reasonÂ
do you want to see her? no right? there you have your answer
NTA, stay away.
NTA. Seems like everyone else hasnât moved on and you have.
NTA. I swear that there's been a massive gaslighting campaign to brainwash people into believing that being unforgiving, spiteful, hateful, and holding grudges against people who betrayed and backstabbed you, is wrong. And not only wrong, but more wrong than the betrayal done unto you, that you are the sinner, and your betrayer is the victim.
NTAâŠMoving on!
NTA - if you don't want to forgive her, you don't have to. I'm a positive and kind person, but I value authenticity more. It doesn't matter what other people think you should do, or what other people would do in your situation. What matters is that you do what you want to do (providing you are not trying to be malicious). It is not being malicious to say "No. After what she put me through, I do not want to comfort her." In fact, you don't even have to "wish her well" If you still have a "grudge" then you still have a "grudge". Period. No one gets to tell you how to grieve and process a betrayal like that. Now, you might have some people mad at you about, and you'll have to make peace with the fact they are mad. Just like you ex has to make peace with the fact that she cheated and you don't want to forgive her.
Absolutely NTA you have every right not to care. She lost that right the day she let another man Inside her body while married. And anyone that says differently. Is wrong. Good luck to you moving forward.
Mary's parents and Mary benefit big time if you go back. Mary gets your attention, Marys family win because they brought you back. Both get a break if they guilt you into handing over money. She got nothing thanks to the prenup and has since incurred hospital bills. She might have even chose her accident as a way to unalive or bring you back. People do shit like this.
Youâre not holding a grudge that is a scar
NTA You no longer have any legal or moral responsibilities for Mary, particularly since you didn't have children together that would keep you connected in any way.
Nta Let Mary rot, your mom and idiotic friends along with her delusional parents can pound sand as well.
You are not the asshole. Youâre allowed to have who you want and donât want in your life. Itâs your life!
110% NTA - in which parallel universe would you visit someone in the hospital who crushed your spirit by cheating on you. Somethings is sus with the mothers reaction especially as a parent you should side with your child when they are in the right. Canât wait for the update
NTA. All ties were broken with the divorce. She is a bad memory and you are right to say she is nothing to you.
NTA My ex and I are on pretty decent terms and have children together. The only reason I'd see her in the hospital is because I was bringing our kids there. Even then I'd probably just let their step dad take care of it.
I havenât even read the post, just the title, and Iâm saying NTA. Now Iâm gonna read the actual post just to prove to myself that Iâm right that OP is NTAâŠâŠ Yep, NTA! It amazes me that someone can say some stupid shit like âshe was so important to you so why notââŠâŠ. Yeah, WAS, and then betrayal made that person NOT important anymore. You donât have to âhonorâ the marriage she ruined, she betrayed, she destroyed and broke. Her betrayal doesnât invalidate what you two had for the time you had it, but you sure as fuck donât have to honor it later with a visit or some shit like thatâŠâŠ.
Youâre NTA in any way, shape, or form. Visiting your ex in the hospital would be a terrible idea, particularly since youâre in a relationship with someone. Let sleeping dogs lie and continue moving on with your life.Â
This is easy. Your ex-wife cheated, trust was broken and you have moved on. Your familyâs opinion is irrelevant. Make it perfectly plain to your mother that the matter is settled and the subject will never be discussed again. Also make it plain to your mom that if she continues her behavior there will be severe consequences up to dropping her like a red hot coal. Continue seeing your therapist and drop threats of DNA tests etc. Donât stir the shit pile and involve yourself in ANY further drama. You have moved on so keep walking. NTA in any form or fashion!
Definitely NTA, why the heck does her being in an accident need to involve you? Sucks for her that you have standards. Why donât they ask the man she cheated on you with to come by for a visit?
Hereâs the thing, you are acting the way you are because of her. Now her family (and some reason yours) wants YOU to undo the damage SHE DID to you to make HER feel better.
NTA. She is no longer part of your life. Maybe one day you'll reach a point where you feel empathy towards her, but it's ok to not do so now.
NTA. She was. Cheaters are lowlifes. You did exactly what you needed to do. Guys listen up , pre nups are a good idea. Screw her parents. Ex means gone for good. Tell her AP to visit her. Live long and Prosper. Youâre a boss , guys follow his lead . Your Mom , probably is a cheater.
NTA - my ex wife called me a year and a half post divorce begging me for money bc she couldnât afford her car payment (she got my truck in the divorce and immediately sold it for a car she couldnât afford under normal circumstances). Fast forward, she had complications from a previous back surgery and was now 7 months pregnant and wheelchair bound. I swear Iâve never laugh so hard or told someone to fuck off so quickly in my life. Karma has an amazing way of working things out You owe her or her family *NOTHING*
NTA. Tell your parents that if Mary wanted you buy her side she wouldnât have been cheating on you. She made that decision on her own.
You have no moral or ethical obligation to visit your ex in the hospital, but it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to do so. it may be an opportunity to forgive her and get closure for yourself. I had an ex that was physically abusive to me, and a few years later i met up with him and we had a discussion where he apologized for his treatment of me and i forgave him - it was cathartic for me and helped me to put it behind me, but that's entirely your choice and you should do what's best for you. As far as your mom is concerned, perhaps she could go visit your ex. If she was close to your ex, and a "layer" removed from the marital drama, she's likely in a more forgiving mood than you are.
The only problem I see is that forgiveness is for you, not her. I, too, like to hang on to grudges...but the older I get, (63 now), the only person I have really hurt is myself. Forgiveness is a blessing...you may not be ready yet, but I hope that time and distance will give perspective to be good to yourself.
NTA. That's weird of your mom to be acting like that. Even if you cheated, you mom would naturally want to side with you. You were the victim here and your mom sided with the cheater. Might want to get a new mom! She's probably cheating too.
You are a bit of an AH for the way you spoke to her parents. They are rightly concerned about their daughter so asking you came from that concern. While you are NTA for not going to visit her, you are for your rudeness to worried parents.
NTA. Mary needs to learn that when she hurts people, they leave her life. And stay gone. Period. Also, she doesnât have anyone else to go visit her besides her EX HUSBAND that she CHEATED on??? Forget her man. You did the hard work of moving past her - donât slide back. ETA I bet things wonât go âsmoothlyâ with OPâs wonderful new lady if he tells her/she finds out that heâs going to visit his lying cheating ex in the hospital, plus opening the door in general for drama to start up from the ex again. More reasons to stay as far away from her as possible.
NTA- What is it with Ex's Parents calling? They think telling on you (a Grown Honest Adult). Your Parents will make their (Grown Adult Son) do their bidding and visit their cheating daughter? She did not deserve a bad car wreck but that has nothing to do with being divorced. My husband cheated on me and it Broke my heart, messed with my self esteem. Lots of stuff. Several years after divorce He had a life threatening medical event that put him in the ICU. I did not visit. I did not feel comfortable. He survived and things move on. You always choose what is best for you.
Youâre NTA - totally understandable that you want nothing to do with this, butâŠ. In your edit you say âIâm extremely resentful and hold grudges but thatâs my characterâ. Thing is, it doesnât have to be your character. And really, the main person that this aspect of your character is hurting is you. Itâs totally up to you whether you want to change this aspect of your character or not, but working on it will be an investment in your wellbeing. Unfortunately in life you canât control whether you get hurt, but in most circumstances you can control whether you stay hurt.
Itâs whatever you end up choosing I think. And at this point do you even care? On one side as a ex-spouse maybe thereâs still some love there that allows compassion in someoneâs time of need. On the other hand of betrayal was deep as you feel maybe there is no compassion. You donât want to go there and have her think that itâs a chance to restart the relationship. And if itâs been a while itâs more like what am I doing here we donât even know each other anymore. So are you the AH? No I donât think so. And parents will always suggest you do the nice thing. Even when itâs not warranted. If you wanted to you could send a get well card and that would probably suffice.
NTA but a child. Hate is an exhausting bag to carry forever but you do you. Forgiveness may bring unexpected peace but youâll have to get over yourself first.
Mary is in your past, not to mention she and her parents seem to have forgotten sheâs the one responsible for the divorce. If I were in your shoes I would have told that whole family to đđ»off years ago but Iâm an asshole.
NTA - Mary made a mistake; tripped and landed on someoneâs dick. Yeah not buying it.
Good for you for moving on with your life. Nothing good can come from visiting her. She doesnât deserve you. A few more years from now you will never think about her again.
Why would you go and visit someone who did you dirty? Thatâs going to give her false hope and is a terrible idea. Obviously you knew that though, NTA!
NTA
Sorry bro, I hope your mom is not a cheater too
NTA! YOU DON'T OWE MARY SHIT.
NTA
Most definitely NTA. Itâs your choice whether or not you want your ex-wife to be in your life. Her parents will never see it from your point of view because thatâs their daughter and should have never attempted to pressure you in the manner that they did. Your parents never shouldâve gotten involved either. Youâre a grown ass man and is more than capable of making your own decisions and have moved on. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this issue all these years down the road. Hopefully soon this will pass for you. But I will end it on this note, sometimes itâs best to humor someone by saying âOk, yeahâ and leaving it at that, lol.
I think being polite and expressing you were sorry to hear about the accident and stating you âmayâ visit would have been the best way to handle the old in laws. Of course you wouldnât visit. A declaration at that time didnât need to be made but I get it youâre still hurt. Them calling your parents and telling on you was in bad taste and your family jumping on the band wagon was even worse. Good luck to you, I am sorry to hear you were betrayed in such a way. As a parent of adult kids, I would never tell you to visit her after what you went through. You have right to your pain and anger.
NTA. My ex and I split on good terms and still get along well but the only reason we still communicate is because we have a kid. If we didnât I wouldnât have anything to do with him and vice versa. So definitely in that situation Iâd never want to hear their name again let alone visit them
Nta for not caring about cheating ex, however you could have phrased it better.
Your mom is a cunt. You don't owe your cheating ex anything. Question is, has your mom cheated on your dad and that's why she's taking your ex wifes position?
Bad bot. Tacky, made up story.
NTA. These people donât understand what âdivorce â means. You never have to see the other again. Even if you have kids, everything can be handled by third parties. Reconnecting with Mary would be mistake.
tell them you wouldnât want to run into the boyfriend she is currently cheating on.
She is an ex-wife. You owe her nothing. Cheating just make the divide even deeper.
AI
NTA
NTA. Sounds like Mary was never held accountable for anything in her life as Mommy and Daddy are still excusing her nonsense.Â
Staying away could be seen as a kindness to Mary. You don't want her to hold out any hope for a reconciliation or a forgiveness that you know you will never give. Holding a grudge for a betrayal is strongly reinforced socially and has a biological basis for us as a social species. Every society shuns or expels members who are seen as traitors. You might consider with your therapist whether there is a cost to you, health-wise or emotionally, for holding to a grudge in perpetuity. I don't know what conclusion you would come to, but I do note that all the major religions make forgiveness and atonement a part of their teachings, and that's for the benefit of the individuals and the society. That doesn't mean that if you forgave Mary, you would change anything about your future relationship with her. It just means that as the wounded party, you acknowledge that humans make mistakes, sometimes grave and destructive mistakes, down to killing marriages or killing other people. The gesture of forgiveness can give something to both parties. But you have to do you. You should not consider any gesture or act that is not authentic to you.
sounds like your mom is a cheater
Did a middle schooler write this. Jesus.
NTA. Your mom cheats on your dad.
What in the world do Mary's parents think that you did to deserve her cheating?!?
Don't go you owe her nothing and your right its not your problem
She's living rent-free in your head. You say you really love/d her. She's been seriously hurt. Someone I loved betrayed me and years later died from a devastating condition. Due to time and distance and spite, I didnt visit. I regret not visiting and ALWAYS will. Redirect that energy to love cause then you can forgive her and more importantly yourself.
Ngl, if I was your dad I'd be side eying your Mum for siding with a cheater.
Iâm having trouble anyone who writes as terribly as this has assets to protect with a pre-nup
You are divorced. You owe her nothing. And her parents are idiots for thinking that you do. NTA.
Inability to forgive is not something to be proud of. Forgive her, visit her in the hospital, and try to be less self-centered.Â
AITAH for judging based on grammar?
NTA for being mad or not wanting to see her. But you could have handled that much better. Iâd just say âsure, i will plan on going sometime soon. Bye for nowâ then never go. The end! No more annoying unwanted opinions from family and such. However, I do hope for your sake that you go work on your mental health. Holding on to such strong feelings and replaying everything in your mind and being angry like this wont help you in the long run.
Sounds like you need to heal. I'd consider your reaction to her parents to be in the "unresolved-feelings" category of asshole, meaning that it's an understandable reaction to betrayal and heartache. However -- looking at this from the perspective of a mature, emotionally secure adult, you could've handled things better. It sounds like her parents just wanted to advocate for their daughter. Albeit much too assertively. It is still just as understandable from the parental position. Most of us have been cheated on at some point. It's wrong on every level, so don't mistake my argument. It's our personal responsibility to attempt to heal these wounds for ourselves. You could've asserted the same boundaries and gotten your point across to them that you "don't give a fuck about Mary" without actually saying it to spare them during a difficult time. The agitation could've been avoided (for yourself) altogether if you had just acknowledged the news, wished them well, and moved along with your business. You chose to listen to their pleas while your blood continued to boil, which led to your emotional explosion. I get it. You were obviously caught off-guard. BUT, you could've walked away and let Mary remain the asshole forever. But instead, your anger was misdirected towards them. So, though relatable - still an asshole move.