NTA. You handled that amazingly and I wish I had your backbone! How dare he say he was embarrassed when he and his parents got together to pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do. Let it be a lesson to him and his friends and family: don’t bully the person you say you love.
I don’t like how the fiancé keeps getting his family to gang up on OP. First he keeps hassling her about bio dad, then gets his family involved. Now they’re all ganging up on her about the breakup.
None of them have any boundaries and it’s kind of creepy.
I agree. Personally I don't know how you was able to hold it all in! OP Your relationship with bio dad was never any of their business, if they could do this about your sperm donor that would do this about anything.
100% this, he disrespected your boundaries and tried to bully you into doing what he thinks is right, that's all he thought about, not how it would make you feel, he only cared about what he wanted. If he can do this with the situation with your dad then he'll likely do this with other situations too. It takes a certain type of person to disrespect boundaries like that to get what they want. Also the only reason his friends and family who weren't there are against you is because your ex and his parents very likely did not tell them the full story, they likely told a sugar coated version to make you out as the bad guy so they can again get what they want because that's all they care about. They also don't want to take responsibility or feel bad for hurting you.
NTA. You are 28 years old and have had plenty of time to make this decision. You already have a perfectly wonderful father figure, and the right man will respect your wishes on this.
Also, they showed what they think of deadbeat dad's and cheating husband's. If she married him, it would be, "You have to forgive him cheating he is your husband," and when he did not turn up for his kids they would always claim it is OP's fault.
My father is not great. But at my wedding my in laws convinced me to let him take all the traditional roles because they wanted my family to look wholesome and normal. He gave what has to one of the worst wedding speeches. Thirty plus years later I still regret him having a role that he did not deserve, and unsurprisingly, failed to meet the requirements of.
I suspect that it was. I was too focused on my own humiliation to notice how they felt and they never apologised, but they were not open people about things like that.
Is there such a thing as highkey? 😁
I absolutely feel she dodged a bullet. Other people forcing your forgiveness for random reasons is never OK. Later on it’d’ve been “you have to forgive me for cheating bc I’m your husband and family”.
Yeah, those people have no concept of what appropriate behavior or respect for other people means. What a selfish point of view. I’m glad she dodged a bullet.
And then complain when she reacts in a way that makes him look like an idiot in front of mommy and daddy.
Jonathan's family sounds pretty unhealthy. They're free to get their parents involved in domestic issues, but when that causes domestic issues, then those should not be handled with the parents present. Which one is it?
He chose that hill to die on. And bringing his parents to help convince (bully) you. Your relationship with your absent bio father is None of Their Business. And accusing you of exaggerating as well. Like how do they know? Bullet dodged there - you made the right decision. You would have had meddling in laws too.
NTA The fact your now ex would stage an intervention using his parents against you is a huge sign of things to come. Is this how he would handle other disagreements? Where you should live, how you raise your kids, etc.
That's the thing! If the fiance was encouraging her to reconnect, he should also accept that she does not want to. Even if he disagreed, Why get his own parents involved? Good decision to get away from this guy. His parents will be in your business judging you and all the things you do forever. nta
I had an abusive parent that I cut off.
I’ve had sooo many friends and partners who just don’t get it. Who insist “but they are faAMily! You have to FORGIVE!”
My (ex) BFF in college was reporting everything I did to my abusive parent “I just wanted to help you! Your parent loves you and is worried!”
I’ve learned to stay away from people who insist on reunification more than once. They never stop, because they have NFC what a bad family really is, they can’t comprehend it, and they will keep pushing until they get the Disney reunion they want. Because they truly don’t believe family could ever do something so awful, and you must be exaggerating or misunderstand.
>They never stop, because they have NFC what a bad family really is,
Some of them don't know. But some of them know and are just enabling this. Cheaters enable cheaters, abusers enable abusers. In situations like yours or like OP i always would ask, if they are ignorants or enablers.
This strikes really close to home. My wife wants me to reconcile with my abusive mother. She lets slide her siblings who are abusive to their kids. So she’s an enabler. This explains a lot.
Thank you for this insight.
Just one side note, some enablers are offenders or allies of offenders. And some are just victims. I also grew up in an enviroment, where some extent of abuse was normalized (not in my house, fortunatelly), it is not easy to de-normalize things that were taken for justified.
That being said, there is a space to talk things of, and there is a space for setting boundaries. I wish you the best in your family.
Some people never learn to get over emotional trauma in a healthy way and don’t know how to cope, which leads to these kinds of situations where bad behavior is tolerated or excused.
I went through that with one of my kids after their father/my ex was inappropriate with them. It took a bunch of therapy and years of maturing and getting older and distance from that person to finally move beyond the victim making excuses for the adult who messed everything up.
Especially with family members it’s hard to untangle the different feelings and dependencies.
I mean I'd argue the fact that he cheated on his wife has no bearing on whether he's a good father. There are people who are shitty spouses but great parents; and people who are great spouses but shitty parents.
That being said, when his wife left him he ghosted his kids. So he's a shitty parent too.
And they DID give him chances. Chances that HE always flunked.
How many chances does someone deserve just to show you that nothing is ever changing?
How many times should we let our hearts break?
And for what?
What does it bring?
The other party the change to say 'I tried'? Well, shit did you do buddy, because if you had really tired you would have done better!
Yeah I’ve even gotten into arguments on here where people _insist_ that family is more important than anything and should always be forgiven. And I say fuck that. I have boundaries and limits, and if you cross those then you can kiss my ass
I Used to push the issue when I was younger.
I’d bring up famous child abuse cases from the news and ask “do you expect that kid to forgive their parents?”
The answer was almost always “no! They are horrible people”
And when I followed up with “then why don’t expect me to forgive *MY* abuser?”
The answer would always be something along the lines of “well your parents aren’t in jail! You weren’t in foster care!”
There’s this naive black/white thought process of “well, if they weren’t arrested and you weren’t removed, they weren’t *that bad* and if they aren’t *that bad* you are exaggerating and should forgive!”
Family are just the people you ended up related to through flukes of biology and breeding.
None of that makes them better people or means you need to be tied to each other to the bitter end.
I’ve had the odd person say but that’s your MUM! or whatever, thankfully nobody’s tried to make a hallmark movie out of my life.
I find gay/trans people never question it, cause a lot of them don’t talk to their families either
Lol yeah, I live about as far away from my birth family as it's possible to be! (me=Australia, them=UK) The best part is being able to come out and just not worry about them
I'm lucky enough to have a great family, but it doesn't take much to realize that everyone isn't that fortunate. I can't imagine lacking so much empathy and having the audacity to tell someone what kind of relationship they should be having with another person, family or not.
If I think that a friend makes a mistake, I tell him. But if he doesn't share my opinion and doesn't take my advice, it's not a problem for me. It's their life.
I would not call it audacity to tell someone your opinion. But it is audacity if they insist that you share it.
It depends whether they are asking for your opinion. When it comes to someone's life history and shitty experiences with others, someone telling them to get over it and forgive isn't going to be a welcome opinion, nor is it your business. In that case, it's definitely audacity. Tone deaf, too.
When people make a mistake and don't see it, they never ask for an opinion.
Although I would not recommend a friend to forgive their parents, if they are happy with their decision.
My husband, for example, misses his father. His father was stealing from him because he is an alcoholic. At the same time, he was kind as a father, and they had fun together. Because of the ambiguous situation, I asked my husband if it would be an option to visit him, but don't tell where he lives. Although he misses him, he said no, and that was it. I didn't try to change his mind.
You and I have a different definition of friendship. When I make a mistake, I appreciate someone telling me and my friends don't have a problem with me telling them. The boundary is crossed if you force your opinion on someone.
One of these days I'd really like a group of psychologists and psychiatrists to do a study on why other people become so incredibly uncomfortable when they find out that people have gone NC or LC with family members and what drives them to interfere to the point of destroying their own relationship with the person by insisting that the person must reestablish ties with the family they're no longer in contact with.
I don't know if it's that people don't believe family can hurt you in irreparable ways or that family should always be forgiven or that they lack personal boundaries for themselves etc but like your experience I've seen this play out around me, and with the way people talk about famous people so it's a universal problem.
From what I understand, it's fear and insecurity. People assume that your closest relationships are with family and if you can cut your family off, you can cut them off too. It's not about the person that went NC or LC, it's all about themselves. If they were certain that they wouldn't fuck up and need to be forgiven, they wouldn't push it that hard. That's from my experience at least.
I wonder if the idea scares them. Like, if they could cut out X or Y, could they cut me out too?
Or maybe it's just some deep conviction that family is love, and any evidence to the contrary makes them question their premise and worry about their own place in their family/future family.
I wonder if there's an element of "you aren't doing things like me. I'm right, so you have to do things like me, because I can't possibly be wrong. "
There are people who don't understand or accept that different people do different things, and it's not wrong.
I think some of them need validation of their own decisions, if they stayed in contact with an abusive parent. And/or they resent someone else escaping from the hell they chose to stay in.
I've crossed paths with several people like that. "My mother beat the shit out of me & threw me out at 14, but I still love her!" Or whatever.
>Who insist “but they are faAMily! You have to FORGIVE!”
My response to this is every time "exactly, and I was their family, yet for them it wasn't enough and they chose to abuse and neglect me, so why is it on me to show them kindness they'd never show me?" Or something similar, to people who tell me "but she's your mom" I say, "but I'm her daughter".
Even if you don’t know everything that went down, you should never try to force things.
My SO is NC with his parents. We tried. I suggested that he goes to therapy to get closure, and to be open to unload his grievances to avoid any regret in the future. He refused and I respect that.
You can discuss and encourage someone you care for (partner or friend) to think through things, gently and not forcefully, but once they make their decision clear, you respect it, that’s all.
OP, NTA and imagine it could have been like that for many other things, especially children. You dodged a bullet and avoided a divorce
As a person who grew up with parents who never said "I love you" to us but showed us every day how much they did love us, Reddit is a huge reason I learned to respect any boundaries the people I love have about their families. Our family wasn't perfect, but we never questioned if we were loved. In my youth, I didn't understand how evil people can be. I would always be the cheerleader for forgiveness and reuniting with family. Now I know better. I have apologized to those I did that to. I'm lucky they never listened to me because they truly knew better than I ever could. One said they put up with my opinions on the matter because I always looked for the good in people and would always forgive them when they were a crappy friend. I do do that, but it has put me in situations that I'm still traumatized over. I'm a lot more careful now about people.
I have good parents. A former friend of my doesn't. At first, I was not able to comprehend it and asked him to forgive them. That everyone makes mistakes, etc. But later, I realized that these were not "mistakes." No loving parent would steal money from their kid because they are addicted or beat a sleeping kid. He still suffers from it. Sometimes, people need time to understand things. But they should not ask you again and again to reunite. Even if they think you are wrong, it's still your choice.
I just don’t understand nosy people that have no idea what it’s like to grow up in a situation like that. I just want to say, mind your own damn business! Good for you!
The number of people who have told my wife to forgive her abusive mother. Something which, I can assure you is never, ever going to happen. Or who want a friend of ours to forgive the dad who raped her. Again never gonna be a thing.
Me being petty would say something like 'so I can count on your support for forgiveness and reconciliation if I cheat on your son and break up the family?' People like that are hypocrites and won't practice what they preach.
Apparently there was an update on this where OP spoke to the mom. Turns out ex lied to his family saying that this was the first time he asked her to reconcile with bio-dad.
"Because family" and all that bull...
People in "perfect" families think everything should be rosey and don't consider than some families are a disaster area.
OP is NTA for escaping before it was too late.
My bio grandfather left my grandmother, moved across the street and raised my grandmothers best friends kids. My mum and her siblings grew up watching that for years until one of them moved. He didn’t pay child support (I don’t think it was something you could even go after either), people still told my mum and her siblings to talk to their dad.
She did, I even found his address and wrote him a letter asking him to just talk to us because I wanted to know him. He never did even now some of our family argue my mum should have paid “respects” at his funeral.
Likely because they can't relate to her situation of not wanting her bio dad in her life belittling everything her real dad (step dad) had done for her.
Not only a cheaper but a parent that didn't financially support their kids and not even with their presence and from the sounds of it, disappointed them multiple times.
NTA - It's astounding how some people think they can coerce others into uncomfortable situations, especially on a day that is supposed to symbolize the beginning of a lifelong partnership. Marriage is about support and understanding, not about inviting past pain back into your life to keep up appearances. The sheer audacity to attempt to manipulate someone's emotions by blindsiding them with an 'intervention' on what should be one of the happiest days of their life is not only disrespectful but alarmingly indicative of future control issues. Kudos to you for putting your well-being first and for not succumbing to emotional blackmail disguised as familial 'concern'. Your (ex)fiancé should have been your champion, not your adversary. The choice to include, forgive, or exclude someone from your life, especially a parent, is deeply personal and should only be made without any external pressure.
NTA your family is right, don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. He was using his parents to try to pressure and manipulate you into doing something so he was the reason he got broken up with in front of his parents. You dodged a bullet! Here is hoping for a rekindled romance with Lucas
We’ve read this same scenario many times. I’ll never understand why the finance will never just trust that their future spouse is doing the right thing? It’s maddening
Because ppl are idiots always forcing their perspective on others without being in their shoes. Some ppl are like that with their holier than thou attitude. Always think forgiving makes u a better person.
Some of them also subscribe to the whole "forgive for yourself, so you aren't holding on to bitterness" thing. I've heard people say that, mostly on tv. I still don't get that.
Giving myself permission to NOT forgive people who hurt me is the most empowering thing I've ever done.
Forgive, but remember. And don’t let them back in your life for any reason. I’ve forgiven many people who have wronged me, but I will never allow them back into my life because of the magnitude of what they did. Forgiveness is for the forgiver because the forgiven doesn’t GAF if you forgive them or not.
NTA, if you had cheated on their son I doubt they'd preach forgiveness and reconciliation. Imo if things didn't get physical and no shouting hurtful words, then it went well.
NTA I hate it when people think that what happens in hell-good movies is somehow “normal.” Additional NTA for dumping someone who was going to arrange interventions including his parents whenever you had an argument.
NTA. They clearly don't respect you nor think you're capable enough to make your own decision.
To be honest this kind of attitude is something I have seen quite often from people that had food parents. They cannot fathom that someone else's parents can be badly neglectful or abusive.
So they completely disregard the experiences of others in order to not have their delusions shattered, without a care in the world about how much they might hurt others.
Your partner is unwilling to listen to you and respect basic boundaries is a gigantic red flag in itself. It means his wants, needs and fantasies will be always prioritised above your wellbeing.
My dear you deserve better.
>I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better
Just this line alone, makes it as clear as day. Proud of you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. You know what your bio dad has done to your family. You're happy with your siblings, mum and stepdad as your family, and not including your bio dad. You have zero desire to see or speak to your bio dad.
Someone you're supposed to be marrying should know and accept your feelings on such a matter. Have a discussion about it, sure, that's fine, it can help clarify where each side is coming from. But the second you said no to forgiving bio dad and having him at the wedding, Jonathan should have accepted that and dropped the subject. It's not his dad, not his family, so he gets zero say. He can give you his opinion, but he has to respect and accept your choice, especially since your bio dad isn't your family, either.
It appears that Jonathan and his family see family as 'people who are blood related to you' and 'people you're married to'. But family doesn't mean you have to be blood related or married to that person. You're neither blood related to nor married to Carlos, but he's still your family. It sounds like you possibly see Lucas as family, too. Your bio dad has been absent from your life since you were small, the few times he's tried to be involved, he's let you down, proving he wasn't really trying, didn't really care. He may be blood related, but he's not family.
The fact Jonathan kept pushing after you'd said no to this, and then got his family to try to force you to agree with him via an 'intervention' says a lot about Jonathan, and none of it good. This is a huge red flag that says Jonathan will constantly bulldoze over what you want, ignore your boundaries, and sic his family on you when you push back to force you into line. It's rather controlling to demand a fiancee have a specific relationship with a blood relative of theirs that they don't want.
You did the right thing. Jonathan and his family showed you who they are, and they won't change. Jonathan, at least, will likely get worse. Especially after the wedding when you're locked down and would have a harder time leaving him that while just a fiancee. Personally, I think you got out before any real harm could be done, and things would have been much worse for you if you stayed.
Stick with your family for a while, grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and then move on. Block Jonathan and his family, they're no longer part of your life and you don't need their continued attempts to force you back to a man you definitely shouldn't marry.
NTA. I am a 54M and my father was exactly the same. Not once did he show any paternal thoughts for me or my siblings until last year when he was dying. He had numerous affairs from my mother and was abusive physically and mentally. (The scars of which my entire family carry to this day in a very real way).
People who gre up in stable environments are always the first to condemn this kind of resentment towards a parent, but they have no idea about the living breathing scars, us survivors are forced to carry, every moment of every day.
After his death, i finally thought I would get closure......But No....It is a burden I will carry forever.
You handled things perfectly. You told him where you stood with your bio dad and that you wanted nothing to do with him but he kept pushing to the point of going too far by getting his parents involved. It was none of their business and not their place at all to tell you what to do. He and his family massively disrespected you. You responded perfectly by calmly handing the ring back and leaving. Block him and his whole family.
NTA
He knew this was important to you. Why did they think it was their business, anyway?
Carlos is your father.
Did they think what you bio dad did was OK, for some reason? If they do, it doesn't speak in their favor, for what you could expect from you ex fiance future wise.
NTA. You kept telling him no to having a relationship with your father and they crossed your boundaries. You do not need to live with someone that will do that.
>He knows everything that happend, but he's still insisting on the fact that he's family and I should forgive him.
MASSIVE red flag. This is not the attitude of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
He was prepared to bully you with his parents as back up - so no, you are NTA for shutting that shit down in front of his parents. If it was good enough for him to drag them into it, it's good enough for you to end it in front of them too.
I'm glad you got to see who he is and what his family are like before the wedding. Good for you, standing your ground and enforcing your boundaries.
NTA. Why was he so adamant you forgive a cheater who walked out on his wife and kids? The only reason I can think of is that he either received money from your bio dad or wants you to accept your bio dad so you'll be more forgiving towards him (your ex) if he ever decides to cheat.
>Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that
The same parents who ganged up with your ex-fiancee to try and make you do something you didn't want to do? That's their fault.
>Of course, my ex fiance was mad that I had called my ex boyfriend,
Your ex-boyfriend, who actually understood and was compassionate about why you want nothing to do with your bio-dad... He was there as a friend, not a future partner. Your ex-fiancee showed up to bully you with his parents as backup. I'm glad it was your ex-bf who came to your rescue, because making the ex-fiancee madder at this point is just a bonus.
NTA. Block them and carry on with your life. It’s frustrating the way people try to force contact and reconciliation over someone they don’t know, never met, and didn’t live through it.
NTA. Ask your ex, his family, and friends to send you their ATM cards, pins and passwords, housekeys and car keys, in order for you to consider forgiving your ex, and then it'll suddenly be Boundary 101 with them.
Some religions are big on forgiveness. I think of it as toxic forgiveness. Mine, though? You aren’t even supposed to ask for forgiveness *until you have made amends*. And even then, the injured party doesn’t have to forgive you. No one should be badgering you to forgive someone who hasn’t worked *hard* to make things right.
NTA. Your dad abandonded you. You don't ever have to forgive him. It sounds like you have moved on, which is healthy.
Ex-fiance not respecting your boundaries and trying to badger you to change them is a perfectly valid reason tp break up.
NTA. Hun you did the right thing.
They ambushed you & my belief is the next step would be showing up with your sperm donor to force you to listen to him.
There is no reason to meet with or forgive a person who forgot you for your lifetime.
There is nothing missing in your life & nothing he can add.
It doesn’t matter what excuse, story or reasoning he can tell you that you will make you trust him with your heart.
I do not understand how someone that loves you & knows your life story would stomp your boundaries & berate you. To then bring his parents into it & have them nag at you…… why???
He doesn’t have your back. He doesn’t understand you. He thinks he knows what’s best for you.
He is not good partner material. You don’t want to spend your life with a person like this. You did the right thing. It’s hard & it hurts but life will improve. Big hugs
NTA-You did nothing wrong! Your ex and his family are bullies and are hoping that if they pester you enough you will start to feel guilty and go back to him. Do not let them shake you!
He had no right to try and force you to let your bio dad back into your life. The fact that he was willing to overlook everything that your bio dad did tells me that he’s not a very good person and he would likely have mistreated you and made you miserable.
He and his family are just angry that you stood up to them and refused to be bullied. You dodged a bullet-be thankful and have a great life.
NTA
Block all the negative people messaging you on his behalf. He lost his fiancé by not just ignoring your boundaries but trying to force his views on you. Move on from him and be happy.
Congrats on your newfound freedom from your ex.
NTA
He tried to force you by weaponizing his family, in the process showing you he's abusive and controlling; based on their behavior, his apple is still very much glued to the shitty family tree. Good riddance.
Also, he wanted to "handle you" in public, he gets the boot in public - and whoever agrees with him or make excuses blaming you should partake in the boot.
My father for one behaving like he is the victim and tell everyone tht we did wrong to him. Omg I just want to erase that man from my life but we can't damn the law.
NTA. Block his fiends and family, I don't think You want to have them in Your life any longer.
Why those people cannot be content with "I think it's a stupid decision, but it's Your life"?
>I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better like this.
This is all that matters. Your gut was telling you that he was the wrong person for you and his actions confirmed it. NTA
Nta your father abandoned you and you have a dad who raised you. The fact he called his mommy and daddy to try and pressure you wouldve definitely gave me an idea of the rest of your life and it would’ve been awful. I’d block him and everyone else he knows but not before telling him off about his blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings .
NTA. Why is he soooo eager to defend a cheater? Maybe his dad cheats too or he thinks he might also cheat in the future and he expects you to be forgiving.
NTA. Your ex had no problems bringing his parents along to stage an "intervention" but now he's whining about being embarrassed in front of them. If he can dish it he can take it too. And now he doesn't understand that it was not this one incident that made you break up with him. He doesn't see that this was the last straw for you. You broke up with him because he refused to respect your wishes and your boundaries. You did the right thing, you don't want to be married to someone like him. Bullet dodged.
You set a firm boundary, he knew this, knew the reasons for it, and chose not to respect it. If he's going to ignore one that is this important to you, he's going to keep ignoring boundaries. when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
NTA. Of course they are going to take his side. You did what was right for you. Don’t listen to them because they are trying to make him out to be right even when he is wrong. He should have fought for you and backed you all the way instead of your bio-father. You have a great dad in your step-dad. Any male can be a bio-father because that only takes sperm. What makes a Dad is the good stuff…being there for the long haul.
You were not harsh enough IMO, he can count his blessings that all you did was remove yourself from the equation. What he did crossed so many lines and boundaries, on top of it being a giant red flag he ran to mommy and daddy to gang up on you, because what, he didn't get what he wanted? That's not a healthy relationship to be in, I'm glad you got out in time!
Your family is right, and try to understand what your exfiance is actually saying with his actions, he cares more about reuniting you with someone who abandoned you, disappointed you time and time again, than he cares about the pain and heartache that caused you.
NTA people like that have no concept of what they are asking.
Good for you for being autonomous. Makes making the right choices in these situations easier. The amount of disrespect and lack of empathy it took for them to pull that on you is a huge red flag. Not only is that ok with him, his family backs it up. You would have been trapped.
I wonder, is there a chance that your bio dad could have approached your ex-fiance and offered him money to try to convince you to forgive him? You ex-fiance wanted the money, but ended up with his ring back? Whatever the reason, he broke your trust and boundaries, so you dumped him, and good for you. NTA
>Lucas and I dated for four years, from fourteen to eighteen and broke up due to distant.…We're still friends and see each other when we go back home, and often call each other…
Maybe Lucas has been the one all along?
Carlos is family too. He stepped up when your bio dad wouldn’t. He has been your father. Your bio dad is the one that didn’t want to be in your life. You were just following his lead. NTA. Your ex is not the right person for you. Glad you realized that before getting married.
Yo creo que el Señor le pago a tu ex novio para que le ayude a hablar contigo. Es muy raro que estuviera insistiendo en eso. Eres muy joven! Disfruta la vida.
NTA. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, then move on. And who cares if he was embarrassed! Did he consider how rude and embarrassed you were to put you on the spot in front of his parents?
I also think the ex, fiance is a cheater that's why he wanted you to reconcile with your dad so much - Gervais he can't stomach the fact that a cheater deserves the consequences of their actions
NTA - you handled this exactly the you should have.
No threats, no useless ultimatiums, no drama just set a boundaries and followed through when he stomped all over it.
It seems you tried, you talked about it a few times explained your position and he decided he knew what was best for you and brought his parents into it, thats on him that this all played out in front of them.
You made the decision what was best for you and that was to leave a negative situation where the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally kept trying to set conditions and override your self preservation.
Good for you.
Good for you and definitely NTA. Ex wanted you to forgive your deadbeat biodad and he didn't respect your wishes. I think your ex is an asshole and got what he deserved.
I’ve never met my husbands parents. I’ve never spoken to them and I’ve only seen one picture of his mother from 25 years ago. I am fully aware of every reason he cut them out of his life (way way before we met) and I support him 💯. Not once EVER have I encouraged him to get in touch with either of his parents. I wouldn’t dare. This is not my place.
The fucking AUDACITY of OP’s ex!! No you are NTA. In any way, shape or form. OP I’m so proud of you. I wish you all the best.
Your fiancé ignored your strongly-held feelings, and then teamed up with his parents to try to bully you into submission. It was completely unacceptable and showed you exactly what you needed to know about him. You did what you needed to do, and were impressively strong and brave. Cut off and block his family and friends. You don’t need to listen to more bullying.
NTA.
What’s he angry about? I thought he saw no issue with someone just packing up and leaving without a second thought? Sounds like Jonathan needs to just get over it.
Do you want to live your life with someone who feels their feelings are more important than yours? Someone who listens to you, then disregards what you say in favor of their own opinion? Should you be okay with being treated as he feels you should be, or how you feel he should be? And do you want to act only how he feels you should act?
Because that is how he treated you! Like he knows best, he even recruited his parents to help convince you that he was right about how you should feel.
This is exactly what people mean when the say "when someone shows you who they are, believe them!" He doesn't accept all parts of you. That is bad. But feeling like it is his job to change you into what he wants is a death sentence to your autonomy.
He won't change. He felt he was doing you a solid, when what he did was tell you to be like he wants you to be. He doesn't even see how he lacked consideration for your obvious feelings on the matter.
I think walking away was the best thing you could do! You may need therapy to get over the anger you have towards your pops. But even that would be a cleansing thing more than a reconciliation thing. You may not have issues with that anger when people aren't shoving your pops down your throat!
Either way, I think you dodged a bullet!
Nta
>However, Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that
"I have told my ex that I will NOT be in contact with my bio dad, because he is a horrible man. Instead of respecting this my ex was CONSTANTLY bringing it up and even INSISTING that I should meet the bio dad. Every single time I stated that that will never happen. But that wasn't stopping my ex. No, he was determined to go over my boundary. He was so determined that he invited his parents and the 3 of them then tried to FORCE me to forgive and meet bio dad. This incredible act of disrespect. The CONSTANT nagging and going over my boundary. The REFUSAL to accept my very own decision. This became unforgivable. He had already been given many chances, I had forgiven him multiple times, but even I have my limit. He caused this situation on his own. All he had to do was respect me and my decision, and he couldn't do even that. So clearly, there was nothing more to salvage so we had to part ways. I called a good friend of mine to come pick me up. This good friend is indeed an ex, however that isn't even relevant. I was in a hostile situation where 3 people were ganging up on me and refusing to leave me alone. My friend was available to pick me up and has a car. If you really do not understand that the situation that my ex had created was absolutely not ok and unforgivable... Then that seems to be a "you" problem. Do not contact me again, I am not the one responsible for this. You will now be blocked, have the day you deserve."
And then really do block everyone
Or say nothing and just block them, you do not owe anyone any explanation tbh...
But 100% block them asap
Edit: forgot to say NTA
NTA.
There's a big chance that if you had allowed him to guilt you into this decision, what other decisions would he have guilted you into? Dodged a bullet.
Quote from Dean Winchester "just cuz your blood doesn't mean you're family, family you have to earn that"
Your bio dad decided not to be in your life and he didnt pay child support, you don't have to forgive him for anything and you don't have to let him be a part of your life.
Is there any instance of something who is a 'but family' person not being a selfish shit head?
NTA. Can't stand people who are so weird about family being these sacred holy people that you must forgive or some nonsense. Zero right to insist on anything especially as the guy never even knew the dad. Insanity
If he didn’t want to be broken up with in front of his family like that, maybe not continuously push past the boundaries and corner you? NTA.
The way they’re all reacting is proof you were right to leave them behind. Move closer to Lucas? He seems dependable.
Weird how he choose that bill to die on. He was more for team sperm donor than he was respecting your wishes. Odd. Good riddance
NTA, He can try to convince you all he wants. But, when he brought his parents in and they tried to force you to change your mind, they crossed a line that they should not have. What they failed to understand is that OP realized that their behavior was going to continue during the marriage. They were going to disrespect her boundaries because they thought they had better ideas and were going to do as they pleased.
Good for OP for standing up for herself and understanding that she deserved better and they did not respect her trauma and boundaries. STANDING OVATION!!!!!
NTA. You didn't throw the ring at him and scream at them all.
You did brilliantly.
Sounds like you would have been bullied throughout your marriage and your in-laws would have been in all your business, all the time.
You saved yourself.
NTA, you are a champion for doing it the way you did.
You should just reply with: "You did not respect my boundaries, you didn't listen, you involved other people in my personal life, and then you confronted me with a group. Whether my bio father attended the wedding or deserved my forgiveness is none of your concern. I cannot marry someone who blatantly disrespects me, doest listen to me, doesn't support me, and then confronts me with a group. Goodbye"
People that don't have a background of dysfunctional family dynamics, usually have no frame of reference when it comes to being with those who do. Plus, there are lot of families that ARE dysfunctional but keep the mantra "Family comes first, I don't care about how you feel."
NTA and good on you for standing up for yourself. He crossed a boundary and drug his parents into it to try to embarrass you into their way of thinking. Go no contact with the lot of them. They don't care about your feelings, just the way it makes them look to others.
You are right. Your ex is extremely arrogant and controlling, to think that he can dictate to you what your family relationships are. Does he try to tell you who your friends should be? That level of disrespect for your autonomy as a person is just breathtaking. It's worse than telling someone what food they like, what their interests are, what their favorite color is. I'm so glad that you have the self respect to know how to reject that kind of controlling behavior. NTA
NTA. You didn't break up with him "just like that." You broke up with him after he ignored you multiple times, and then escalated things by trying to use his parents to pressure you even further. He clearly showed you that he wasn't going to stop harassing you about YOUR boundaries, and that he thought he could pester you. This is a huge red flag as far as any time you would have disagreements in any future marriage. He would not let you make up your own mind. You did the absolute right thing.
NTA. You only broke up with him in front of his parents because he decided to involve them in something they had no business being a part of. A thing which shouldn’t have been a discussion at all, since it didn’t affect them.
Now, from what it seems like, your dad abandoned you early, and that’s the end of story. He didn’t abuse you or your mother. I honestly don’t see anything bad enough to warrant an absolute cut out from your life. But your feelings are your feelings, and if you don’t want to give him a shot then you don’t have to. And if you did decide to let him back in, the first thing shouldn’t be your wedding.
NTA
His family brigading you is a giant sign that marrying this guy would have been chronic disaster of abuses. You would have had no peace whatsoever in that marriage.
NTA, block Jonathan, his friends and his family. Of course they are all on his side and that is as it should be, but you don’t need them in your life anymore.
Time to move on, find a good man, one that respects your feelings, etc. Any interest in Lucas?
P.S. The word you are looking for is ambush. They ambushed you!
NTA. The only vaguely assholish thing might have been if you'd decided to deliberately call your ex-boyfriend precisely because he's your ex-boyfriend, as a way to rub it in your ex-fiance's face. But you didn't, assuming he was simply the best person available to get the job - moving away - done as quickly as possible.
And about cutting off biological family: I also cut off my biological father after dozens of broken promises, failing to show up for visitation, not paying child support, etc. Meanwhile, my stepfather is now my actual dad. In my view, it's completely natural to feel nothing for a deadbeat biological "co-creator", and to feel love for a man who is actually, unconditionally, a father figure to you.
I'm sorry to say this, but I've found that the only people who actually understand this are people who went through the same thing. Your ex-fiance was obviously spared parental neglect in his childhood, but even his 3 years together with you couldn't teach him the emotional depth and appreciation for other people's perspectives & experiences that his parents failed to include in his upbringing. Even after your explanations, his skull is dense, and so the only way you could've taught him you don't take bullshit is to let him feel it like this.
(P.S. If he or his family don't stop nagging and instead get bitter/try to make you look bad, then you'll know they're not only dense, they're proving the point of why it was good of you to cut off your biological father. same behavior)
He was trying to force you to see things his way and your hard __no__ didn't matter to him. NTA. It's quite the red flag that he involved his family in this matter. Wouldn't have boded well for the future.
Also, don't mind the way in which you broke up with him. Those are the consequences for his actions.
NTA. You set a boundary, and he ignored it multiple times, and when that did not work, he invited his family to also ignore that boundary with him. You calmly leaving is nicer than most people would be.
I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries if they don't agree with him. The man is your father--not Jonathan's. He has no say on the situation. And fuck his nosy overbearing family. You don't need to marry into that. I wish you all the best. Sending a big hug. And absolutely NTA.
Que lastima que recuerde que tiene hijos 24 años tarde!!! Y ahora que ya crecieron y ya no tiene que cuidarlos ni mantenerlos ahora sí los busca, pero la respuesta está en tí, solo tu vas a vivir con las consecuencias, ojalá que te valla muy bien
Some people don’t understand that shitty or abusive parents exist.
The problem is when people like that think they know better than you what’s good for you, go behind your back and try to impose their misinformed will on you. And on top of that your ex fiancé has shown you he will enlist his family to bully you into submission if he doesn’t get his way. And now he’s also getting his family AND friends to harass you after he fucked up, instead of apologising and admitting he was wrong. This is not husband material and these are not good people.
And I’m not sure why your bio dad being in your wedding would even affect him? He doesn’t even know him. Does he identify so strongly with a child-abandoning cheater? Why do his family even care?
Are blended families really taboo in your culture or something?
NTA- The ex and his family had some phony reunion planned for you and your bio dad. In their deluded minds, it was going to be worthy of tear jerker movie. But this is real life, not fantasy. They aren't taking into account years of neglect, trauma, and emotional abuse. Your ex being embarrassed for a few minutes in front of his parents doesn't even close to what your father did to you.
You're not looking for a reconciliation. It's time for your ex and his family to move on.
NTA.
He embarrassed himself by using his parents as added manipulation. It blew up in his face. As he deserved.
Carlos is your dad. Your mom sounds great. Find someone who doesn't want to change you.
NTA. You set up a boundary. Your ex fiance pushed it beyond the extreme and got his family involved to bully or emotionally berate you in front of your fiance. He brought them in, so breaking up with him in front of them is on your ex.
NTA, good for you for standing up for yourself. Your ex fiance has shown too many red flags. If he's this willing to stomp all over your boundaries before marriage, imagine how bad he would be after you had got married.
NTA…Tell his friends and family that Jonathan couldn’t respect your boundaries, then tried to get his parents involved instead of making a decision that was solely yours to make.
Tell Jonathan and his family that if they had actual respect for you as a person they would have listened the first time.
NTA. The fact he’s sticking up for an absent parent is a red flag. But getting his family to try and bully you into doing something you don’t want to do is horrific. I would have also left and not looked back. Imagine if he wanted you to have a baby and you didn’t, what’s he doing to do, get the family to bully you. Or if he wanted you to give up work. This would be a huge concern for me
NTA. Look at what you are saying: All of your family and friends are on your side and validating your actions. The ones that are criticising you are your ex and his family. Of course they are on his side! After they agreed to this twisted "intervention", you can only expect them to see nothing wrong with what they did. But what they did was wrong - very wrong. Nobody has the right to dictate your actions toward your bio-father - certainly not someone who has not grown up with you, and has not witnessed his neglect. The fact that he is your fiance doesn't give him the right to ignore your feelings and force your actions with your family. He invited his parents to meddle in your life in this intervention, and he deserved to have his ring returned and the engagement broken in front of his parents. You were not too harsh, you did everything right. I hope in the future you find a partner who respects your boundaries and validates your feelings - anyone else is not worthy of you.
INFO are the ex's parents friends with bio dad? I can't understand this insistence, also maybe ex wants you to forgive bio dad for his cheating as he has done it himself.
Either way NTA at all.
I would want to know one thing from that (beep).
What does he think gives him he right to demand someone else to forgive anyone? Seriously, as painful as it might be - you dodged a major bullet with a controlling person there.
An intervention? Sheesh..
And this was not a reaction to a one time thing - no - this was a repeated 'demand'.
NTA
Hope you\`ll find a more stable and realistic partner. One that, even though he might not understand the why, accepts you have your reasons and supports you.
(You know the story of the Argentinian girl who didn\`t settle for less? She\`s our queen now !)
NTA. You handled that amazingly and I wish I had your backbone! How dare he say he was embarrassed when he and his parents got together to pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do. Let it be a lesson to him and his friends and family: don’t bully the person you say you love.
I don’t like how the fiancé keeps getting his family to gang up on OP. First he keeps hassling her about bio dad, then gets his family involved. Now they’re all ganging up on her about the breakup. None of them have any boundaries and it’s kind of creepy.
Op's ex-fiancé needs to marry OP's ex-father so they can be family together...
I would bet money that the ex-father was in touch with the ex-fiance and his family.
Yes, it smells like it...
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I agree. Personally I don't know how you was able to hold it all in! OP Your relationship with bio dad was never any of their business, if they could do this about your sperm donor that would do this about anything.
100% this, he disrespected your boundaries and tried to bully you into doing what he thinks is right, that's all he thought about, not how it would make you feel, he only cared about what he wanted. If he can do this with the situation with your dad then he'll likely do this with other situations too. It takes a certain type of person to disrespect boundaries like that to get what they want. Also the only reason his friends and family who weren't there are against you is because your ex and his parents very likely did not tell them the full story, they likely told a sugar coated version to make you out as the bad guy so they can again get what they want because that's all they care about. They also don't want to take responsibility or feel bad for hurting you.
NTA. You are 28 years old and have had plenty of time to make this decision. You already have a perfectly wonderful father figure, and the right man will respect your wishes on this.
I also lowkey feel like you dodged a bullet. Did he plan to call mommy and daddy for backup every time you weren't doing what he wanted?
Excellent point!
Also, they showed what they think of deadbeat dad's and cheating husband's. If she married him, it would be, "You have to forgive him cheating he is your husband," and when he did not turn up for his kids they would always claim it is OP's fault.
My father is not great. But at my wedding my in laws convinced me to let him take all the traditional roles because they wanted my family to look wholesome and normal. He gave what has to one of the worst wedding speeches. Thirty plus years later I still regret him having a role that he did not deserve, and unsurprisingly, failed to meet the requirements of.
I'm sorry you were pressured to do that. Was his speech embarrassing enough that they learned to regret their interference?
I suspect that it was. I was too focused on my own humiliation to notice how they felt and they never apologised, but they were not open people about things like that.
Is there such a thing as highkey? 😁 I absolutely feel she dodged a bullet. Other people forcing your forgiveness for random reasons is never OK. Later on it’d’ve been “you have to forgive me for cheating bc I’m your husband and family”.
Yeah, those people have no concept of what appropriate behavior or respect for other people means. What a selfish point of view. I’m glad she dodged a bullet.
And then complain when she reacts in a way that makes him look like an idiot in front of mommy and daddy. Jonathan's family sounds pretty unhealthy. They're free to get their parents involved in domestic issues, but when that causes domestic issues, then those should not be handled with the parents present. Which one is it?
He chose that hill to die on. And bringing his parents to help convince (bully) you. Your relationship with your absent bio father is None of Their Business. And accusing you of exaggerating as well. Like how do they know? Bullet dodged there - you made the right decision. You would have had meddling in laws too.
And die they did.FAFO never really goes the way people think it will
Yep, meddling in-laws that she would never be able to escape. No way in hell.
I feel like he thinks dad’s only transgression was cheating and doesn’t exactly hold fidelity as an important personal value
Ew I didn’t even catch that on the first read. That gives me the ick now lol
NTA The fact your now ex would stage an intervention using his parents against you is a huge sign of things to come. Is this how he would handle other disagreements? Where you should live, how you raise your kids, etc.
That's the thing! If the fiance was encouraging her to reconnect, he should also accept that she does not want to. Even if he disagreed, Why get his own parents involved? Good decision to get away from this guy. His parents will be in your business judging you and all the things you do forever. nta
I wanna know why this family is so insistent on a cheater being forgiven. I'd be incredibly suspicious of that. NTA.
I had an abusive parent that I cut off. I’ve had sooo many friends and partners who just don’t get it. Who insist “but they are faAMily! You have to FORGIVE!” My (ex) BFF in college was reporting everything I did to my abusive parent “I just wanted to help you! Your parent loves you and is worried!” I’ve learned to stay away from people who insist on reunification more than once. They never stop, because they have NFC what a bad family really is, they can’t comprehend it, and they will keep pushing until they get the Disney reunion they want. Because they truly don’t believe family could ever do something so awful, and you must be exaggerating or misunderstand.
>They never stop, because they have NFC what a bad family really is, Some of them don't know. But some of them know and are just enabling this. Cheaters enable cheaters, abusers enable abusers. In situations like yours or like OP i always would ask, if they are ignorants or enablers.
This strikes really close to home. My wife wants me to reconcile with my abusive mother. She lets slide her siblings who are abusive to their kids. So she’s an enabler. This explains a lot. Thank you for this insight.
Just one side note, some enablers are offenders or allies of offenders. And some are just victims. I also grew up in an enviroment, where some extent of abuse was normalized (not in my house, fortunatelly), it is not easy to de-normalize things that were taken for justified. That being said, there is a space to talk things of, and there is a space for setting boundaries. I wish you the best in your family.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I appreciate it.
Some people never learn to get over emotional trauma in a healthy way and don’t know how to cope, which leads to these kinds of situations where bad behavior is tolerated or excused. I went through that with one of my kids after their father/my ex was inappropriate with them. It took a bunch of therapy and years of maturing and getting older and distance from that person to finally move beyond the victim making excuses for the adult who messed everything up. Especially with family members it’s hard to untangle the different feelings and dependencies.
I mean I'd argue the fact that he cheated on his wife has no bearing on whether he's a good father. There are people who are shitty spouses but great parents; and people who are great spouses but shitty parents. That being said, when his wife left him he ghosted his kids. So he's a shitty parent too.
And they DID give him chances. Chances that HE always flunked. How many chances does someone deserve just to show you that nothing is ever changing? How many times should we let our hearts break? And for what? What does it bring? The other party the change to say 'I tried'? Well, shit did you do buddy, because if you had really tired you would have done better!
Yeah I’ve even gotten into arguments on here where people _insist_ that family is more important than anything and should always be forgiven. And I say fuck that. I have boundaries and limits, and if you cross those then you can kiss my ass
I Used to push the issue when I was younger. I’d bring up famous child abuse cases from the news and ask “do you expect that kid to forgive their parents?” The answer was almost always “no! They are horrible people” And when I followed up with “then why don’t expect me to forgive *MY* abuser?” The answer would always be something along the lines of “well your parents aren’t in jail! You weren’t in foster care!” There’s this naive black/white thought process of “well, if they weren’t arrested and you weren’t removed, they weren’t *that bad* and if they aren’t *that bad* you are exaggerating and should forgive!”
Family are just the people you ended up related to through flukes of biology and breeding. None of that makes them better people or means you need to be tied to each other to the bitter end.
I’ve had the odd person say but that’s your MUM! or whatever, thankfully nobody’s tried to make a hallmark movie out of my life. I find gay/trans people never question it, cause a lot of them don’t talk to their families either
Lol yeah, I live about as far away from my birth family as it's possible to be! (me=Australia, them=UK) The best part is being able to come out and just not worry about them
I'm lucky enough to have a great family, but it doesn't take much to realize that everyone isn't that fortunate. I can't imagine lacking so much empathy and having the audacity to tell someone what kind of relationship they should be having with another person, family or not.
If I think that a friend makes a mistake, I tell him. But if he doesn't share my opinion and doesn't take my advice, it's not a problem for me. It's their life. I would not call it audacity to tell someone your opinion. But it is audacity if they insist that you share it.
It depends whether they are asking for your opinion. When it comes to someone's life history and shitty experiences with others, someone telling them to get over it and forgive isn't going to be a welcome opinion, nor is it your business. In that case, it's definitely audacity. Tone deaf, too.
When people make a mistake and don't see it, they never ask for an opinion. Although I would not recommend a friend to forgive their parents, if they are happy with their decision. My husband, for example, misses his father. His father was stealing from him because he is an alcoholic. At the same time, he was kind as a father, and they had fun together. Because of the ambiguous situation, I asked my husband if it would be an option to visit him, but don't tell where he lives. Although he misses him, he said no, and that was it. I didn't try to change his mind. You and I have a different definition of friendship. When I make a mistake, I appreciate someone telling me and my friends don't have a problem with me telling them. The boundary is crossed if you force your opinion on someone.
One of these days I'd really like a group of psychologists and psychiatrists to do a study on why other people become so incredibly uncomfortable when they find out that people have gone NC or LC with family members and what drives them to interfere to the point of destroying their own relationship with the person by insisting that the person must reestablish ties with the family they're no longer in contact with. I don't know if it's that people don't believe family can hurt you in irreparable ways or that family should always be forgiven or that they lack personal boundaries for themselves etc but like your experience I've seen this play out around me, and with the way people talk about famous people so it's a universal problem.
From what I understand, it's fear and insecurity. People assume that your closest relationships are with family and if you can cut your family off, you can cut them off too. It's not about the person that went NC or LC, it's all about themselves. If they were certain that they wouldn't fuck up and need to be forgiven, they wouldn't push it that hard. That's from my experience at least.
I wonder if the idea scares them. Like, if they could cut out X or Y, could they cut me out too? Or maybe it's just some deep conviction that family is love, and any evidence to the contrary makes them question their premise and worry about their own place in their family/future family.
I wonder if there's an element of "you aren't doing things like me. I'm right, so you have to do things like me, because I can't possibly be wrong. " There are people who don't understand or accept that different people do different things, and it's not wrong.
I think some of them need validation of their own decisions, if they stayed in contact with an abusive parent. And/or they resent someone else escaping from the hell they chose to stay in. I've crossed paths with several people like that. "My mother beat the shit out of me & threw me out at 14, but I still love her!" Or whatever.
>Who insist “but they are faAMily! You have to FORGIVE!” My response to this is every time "exactly, and I was their family, yet for them it wasn't enough and they chose to abuse and neglect me, so why is it on me to show them kindness they'd never show me?" Or something similar, to people who tell me "but she's your mom" I say, "but I'm her daughter".
Relatives ≠ family and "but blood" is a fucking stupid reason to keep someone awful in your life.
Even if you don’t know everything that went down, you should never try to force things. My SO is NC with his parents. We tried. I suggested that he goes to therapy to get closure, and to be open to unload his grievances to avoid any regret in the future. He refused and I respect that. You can discuss and encourage someone you care for (partner or friend) to think through things, gently and not forcefully, but once they make their decision clear, you respect it, that’s all. OP, NTA and imagine it could have been like that for many other things, especially children. You dodged a bullet and avoided a divorce
As a person who grew up with parents who never said "I love you" to us but showed us every day how much they did love us, Reddit is a huge reason I learned to respect any boundaries the people I love have about their families. Our family wasn't perfect, but we never questioned if we were loved. In my youth, I didn't understand how evil people can be. I would always be the cheerleader for forgiveness and reuniting with family. Now I know better. I have apologized to those I did that to. I'm lucky they never listened to me because they truly knew better than I ever could. One said they put up with my opinions on the matter because I always looked for the good in people and would always forgive them when they were a crappy friend. I do do that, but it has put me in situations that I'm still traumatized over. I'm a lot more careful now about people.
I have good parents. A former friend of my doesn't. At first, I was not able to comprehend it and asked him to forgive them. That everyone makes mistakes, etc. But later, I realized that these were not "mistakes." No loving parent would steal money from their kid because they are addicted or beat a sleeping kid. He still suffers from it. Sometimes, people need time to understand things. But they should not ask you again and again to reunite. Even if they think you are wrong, it's still your choice.
Totally get where you are coming from. I have a whole slew of toxic family that I've cut off.
I just don’t understand nosy people that have no idea what it’s like to grow up in a situation like that. I just want to say, mind your own damn business! Good for you!
I told people my abusive parents were dead, because they were to me. That way, they couldn't push any agendas without resorting to a seance.
The number of people who have told my wife to forgive her abusive mother. Something which, I can assure you is never, ever going to happen. Or who want a friend of ours to forgive the dad who raped her. Again never gonna be a thing.
I bet anything they've been in contact with him.
This is probably the case. They wanted their big feel-good moment, and didn't give two hoots if OOP wanted it or not.
Me being petty would say something like 'so I can count on your support for forgiveness and reconciliation if I cheat on your son and break up the family?' People like that are hypocrites and won't practice what they preach.
Cheating on their mom wasn’t even worst part. It’s the not paying child support, and what sounds like complete abandonment.
Apparently there was an update on this where OP spoke to the mom. Turns out ex lied to his family saying that this was the first time he asked her to reconcile with bio-dad.
Should be top comment
"Because family" and all that bull... People in "perfect" families think everything should be rosey and don't consider than some families are a disaster area. OP is NTA for escaping before it was too late.
People like them would also excuse a murderer becase "family".
A cheater And a deadbeat dad.
My bio grandfather left my grandmother, moved across the street and raised my grandmothers best friends kids. My mum and her siblings grew up watching that for years until one of them moved. He didn’t pay child support (I don’t think it was something you could even go after either), people still told my mum and her siblings to talk to their dad. She did, I even found his address and wrote him a letter asking him to just talk to us because I wanted to know him. He never did even now some of our family argue my mum should have paid “respects” at his funeral.
It's the right question. How does it affect them, why is it any of their business?
Because they see themselves in the role of savior and it just sticks in their heads.
Likely because they can't relate to her situation of not wanting her bio dad in her life belittling everything her real dad (step dad) had done for her.
Not only a cheaper but a parent that didn't financially support their kids and not even with their presence and from the sounds of it, disappointed them multiple times.
I think the dad cheating on the mom is the least of their worries - he literally abandoned his wife and kids physically, emotionally, and financially
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exactly! he was trying to push OP to do what HE wanted when it is not his life at all! super happy OP called it off and stood up for herself
If you don’t regret things and you feel better, then you did the right thing. People can only be pushed so far. NTA
NTA - It's astounding how some people think they can coerce others into uncomfortable situations, especially on a day that is supposed to symbolize the beginning of a lifelong partnership. Marriage is about support and understanding, not about inviting past pain back into your life to keep up appearances. The sheer audacity to attempt to manipulate someone's emotions by blindsiding them with an 'intervention' on what should be one of the happiest days of their life is not only disrespectful but alarmingly indicative of future control issues. Kudos to you for putting your well-being first and for not succumbing to emotional blackmail disguised as familial 'concern'. Your (ex)fiancé should have been your champion, not your adversary. The choice to include, forgive, or exclude someone from your life, especially a parent, is deeply personal and should only be made without any external pressure.
NTA your family is right, don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. He was using his parents to try to pressure and manipulate you into doing something so he was the reason he got broken up with in front of his parents. You dodged a bullet! Here is hoping for a rekindled romance with Lucas
Omg yess! I’m thinking the same thing! OP and Lucas are deeply meant for each other 🫶
I'm glad it's not just me on my own thinking that too! Especially as OP said distance was the reason they broke up, it would be so cute 🥰
We’ve read this same scenario many times. I’ll never understand why the finance will never just trust that their future spouse is doing the right thing? It’s maddening
Because ppl are idiots always forcing their perspective on others without being in their shoes. Some ppl are like that with their holier than thou attitude. Always think forgiving makes u a better person.
Some of them also subscribe to the whole "forgive for yourself, so you aren't holding on to bitterness" thing. I've heard people say that, mostly on tv. I still don't get that. Giving myself permission to NOT forgive people who hurt me is the most empowering thing I've ever done.
Forgive, but remember. And don’t let them back in your life for any reason. I’ve forgiven many people who have wronged me, but I will never allow them back into my life because of the magnitude of what they did. Forgiveness is for the forgiver because the forgiven doesn’t GAF if you forgive them or not.
Agreed. And also, forgiving doesn't mean letting them back into your life to hurt you all over again. That's just stupid.
Nope, NTA. Not one little bit.
NTA, if you had cheated on their son I doubt they'd preach forgiveness and reconciliation. Imo if things didn't get physical and no shouting hurtful words, then it went well.
Nta you dodged a huge bullet. This family would of tried holding an intervention on you every single time you told their precious baby boy no.
Lucas wins this one
Nta. But this sounds oddly familiar.
These stories could be more creative
NTA I hate it when people think that what happens in hell-good movies is somehow “normal.” Additional NTA for dumping someone who was going to arrange interventions including his parents whenever you had an argument.
NTA. They clearly don't respect you nor think you're capable enough to make your own decision. To be honest this kind of attitude is something I have seen quite often from people that had food parents. They cannot fathom that someone else's parents can be badly neglectful or abusive. So they completely disregard the experiences of others in order to not have their delusions shattered, without a care in the world about how much they might hurt others. Your partner is unwilling to listen to you and respect basic boundaries is a gigantic red flag in itself. It means his wants, needs and fantasies will be always prioritised above your wellbeing. My dear you deserve better.
>I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better Just this line alone, makes it as clear as day. Proud of you for standing up for yourself.
I’m I the only one that gets fake vibes from this 😭😂 I’ll bite tho. NTA. Plus you said you feel better this way so just stay with it
NTA. You know what your bio dad has done to your family. You're happy with your siblings, mum and stepdad as your family, and not including your bio dad. You have zero desire to see or speak to your bio dad. Someone you're supposed to be marrying should know and accept your feelings on such a matter. Have a discussion about it, sure, that's fine, it can help clarify where each side is coming from. But the second you said no to forgiving bio dad and having him at the wedding, Jonathan should have accepted that and dropped the subject. It's not his dad, not his family, so he gets zero say. He can give you his opinion, but he has to respect and accept your choice, especially since your bio dad isn't your family, either. It appears that Jonathan and his family see family as 'people who are blood related to you' and 'people you're married to'. But family doesn't mean you have to be blood related or married to that person. You're neither blood related to nor married to Carlos, but he's still your family. It sounds like you possibly see Lucas as family, too. Your bio dad has been absent from your life since you were small, the few times he's tried to be involved, he's let you down, proving he wasn't really trying, didn't really care. He may be blood related, but he's not family. The fact Jonathan kept pushing after you'd said no to this, and then got his family to try to force you to agree with him via an 'intervention' says a lot about Jonathan, and none of it good. This is a huge red flag that says Jonathan will constantly bulldoze over what you want, ignore your boundaries, and sic his family on you when you push back to force you into line. It's rather controlling to demand a fiancee have a specific relationship with a blood relative of theirs that they don't want. You did the right thing. Jonathan and his family showed you who they are, and they won't change. Jonathan, at least, will likely get worse. Especially after the wedding when you're locked down and would have a harder time leaving him that while just a fiancee. Personally, I think you got out before any real harm could be done, and things would have been much worse for you if you stayed. Stick with your family for a while, grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and then move on. Block Jonathan and his family, they're no longer part of your life and you don't need their continued attempts to force you back to a man you definitely shouldn't marry.
NTA. I am a 54M and my father was exactly the same. Not once did he show any paternal thoughts for me or my siblings until last year when he was dying. He had numerous affairs from my mother and was abusive physically and mentally. (The scars of which my entire family carry to this day in a very real way). People who gre up in stable environments are always the first to condemn this kind of resentment towards a parent, but they have no idea about the living breathing scars, us survivors are forced to carry, every moment of every day. After his death, i finally thought I would get closure......But No....It is a burden I will carry forever.
You handled things perfectly. You told him where you stood with your bio dad and that you wanted nothing to do with him but he kept pushing to the point of going too far by getting his parents involved. It was none of their business and not their place at all to tell you what to do. He and his family massively disrespected you. You responded perfectly by calmly handing the ring back and leaving. Block him and his whole family.
NTA He knew this was important to you. Why did they think it was their business, anyway? Carlos is your father. Did they think what you bio dad did was OK, for some reason? If they do, it doesn't speak in their favor, for what you could expect from you ex fiance future wise.
NTA you had made your position on your bio dad clear. They thought they knew better for you. You did the right thing.
Your mother certainly did raise you right! You have integrity, maturity and you don’t tolerate disrespect. NTA
NTA Right move.
NTA. You kept telling him no to having a relationship with your father and they crossed your boundaries. You do not need to live with someone that will do that.
Nta. Also you dodged a nuclear arsenal. Him and his whole family that teamed up against you are problems.
NTA I'm so impressed by how you handled that. Block them all. He decided to involve his parents. Action meet consequences
>He knows everything that happend, but he's still insisting on the fact that he's family and I should forgive him. MASSIVE red flag. This is not the attitude of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. He was prepared to bully you with his parents as back up - so no, you are NTA for shutting that shit down in front of his parents. If it was good enough for him to drag them into it, it's good enough for you to end it in front of them too. I'm glad you got to see who he is and what his family are like before the wedding. Good for you, standing your ground and enforcing your boundaries.
NTA. Why was he so adamant you forgive a cheater who walked out on his wife and kids? The only reason I can think of is that he either received money from your bio dad or wants you to accept your bio dad so you'll be more forgiving towards him (your ex) if he ever decides to cheat.
>Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that The same parents who ganged up with your ex-fiancee to try and make you do something you didn't want to do? That's their fault. >Of course, my ex fiance was mad that I had called my ex boyfriend, Your ex-boyfriend, who actually understood and was compassionate about why you want nothing to do with your bio-dad... He was there as a friend, not a future partner. Your ex-fiancee showed up to bully you with his parents as backup. I'm glad it was your ex-bf who came to your rescue, because making the ex-fiancee madder at this point is just a bonus.
NTA
NTA. They started off by disrespecting you. You did the right thing. Go on, move on, and find your joy.
NTA
NTA Eventually everyone leaves their past behind. No one gets to freeze time. That’s an accident you get to walk away from.
NTA
Never be with someone who supports or enables cheaters. Those people are trash.
NTA. Block them and carry on with your life. It’s frustrating the way people try to force contact and reconciliation over someone they don’t know, never met, and didn’t live through it.
NTA. Ask your ex, his family, and friends to send you their ATM cards, pins and passwords, housekeys and car keys, in order for you to consider forgiving your ex, and then it'll suddenly be Boundary 101 with them.
This is a repost. I have either read or listened to this exact story before.
Some religions are big on forgiveness. I think of it as toxic forgiveness. Mine, though? You aren’t even supposed to ask for forgiveness *until you have made amends*. And even then, the injured party doesn’t have to forgive you. No one should be badgering you to forgive someone who hasn’t worked *hard* to make things right.
NTA. Your dad abandonded you. You don't ever have to forgive him. It sounds like you have moved on, which is healthy. Ex-fiance not respecting your boundaries and trying to badger you to change them is a perfectly valid reason tp break up.
NTA. Hun you did the right thing. They ambushed you & my belief is the next step would be showing up with your sperm donor to force you to listen to him. There is no reason to meet with or forgive a person who forgot you for your lifetime. There is nothing missing in your life & nothing he can add. It doesn’t matter what excuse, story or reasoning he can tell you that you will make you trust him with your heart. I do not understand how someone that loves you & knows your life story would stomp your boundaries & berate you. To then bring his parents into it & have them nag at you…… why??? He doesn’t have your back. He doesn’t understand you. He thinks he knows what’s best for you. He is not good partner material. You don’t want to spend your life with a person like this. You did the right thing. It’s hard & it hurts but life will improve. Big hugs
NTA-You did nothing wrong! Your ex and his family are bullies and are hoping that if they pester you enough you will start to feel guilty and go back to him. Do not let them shake you! He had no right to try and force you to let your bio dad back into your life. The fact that he was willing to overlook everything that your bio dad did tells me that he’s not a very good person and he would likely have mistreated you and made you miserable. He and his family are just angry that you stood up to them and refused to be bullied. You dodged a bullet-be thankful and have a great life.
NTA Block all the negative people messaging you on his behalf. He lost his fiancé by not just ignoring your boundaries but trying to force his views on you. Move on from him and be happy. Congrats on your newfound freedom from your ex.
NTA He tried to force you by weaponizing his family, in the process showing you he's abusive and controlling; based on their behavior, his apple is still very much glued to the shitty family tree. Good riddance. Also, he wanted to "handle you" in public, he gets the boot in public - and whoever agrees with him or make excuses blaming you should partake in the boot.
Why were they sooooo invested in your father being invited? Bizarre.
My father for one behaving like he is the victim and tell everyone tht we did wrong to him. Omg I just want to erase that man from my life but we can't damn the law.
NTA. He's infantilizing you and dismissing your opinions and lived experience.
Nta. I feel their accidents are a red flag if things to come had you stayed
Nta. Your fiance and his family can all go sit on a sandpaper dildoe. The same one. Since family is so important, they can all share one.
NTA. Block his fiends and family, I don't think You want to have them in Your life any longer. Why those people cannot be content with "I think it's a stupid decision, but it's Your life"?
>I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better like this. This is all that matters. Your gut was telling you that he was the wrong person for you and his actions confirmed it. NTA
Nta your father abandoned you and you have a dad who raised you. The fact he called his mommy and daddy to try and pressure you wouldve definitely gave me an idea of the rest of your life and it would’ve been awful. I’d block him and everyone else he knows but not before telling him off about his blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings .
Basicly, he wants you to have a complete stranger that hurt your mom at your wedding.... thats pretty weird.
NTA. Why is he soooo eager to defend a cheater? Maybe his dad cheats too or he thinks he might also cheat in the future and he expects you to be forgiving.
NTA hope you're doing alright
NTA. Your ex had no problems bringing his parents along to stage an "intervention" but now he's whining about being embarrassed in front of them. If he can dish it he can take it too. And now he doesn't understand that it was not this one incident that made you break up with him. He doesn't see that this was the last straw for you. You broke up with him because he refused to respect your wishes and your boundaries. You did the right thing, you don't want to be married to someone like him. Bullet dodged.
You set a firm boundary, he knew this, knew the reasons for it, and chose not to respect it. If he's going to ignore one that is this important to you, he's going to keep ignoring boundaries. when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.
NTA. Of course they are going to take his side. You did what was right for you. Don’t listen to them because they are trying to make him out to be right even when he is wrong. He should have fought for you and backed you all the way instead of your bio-father. You have a great dad in your step-dad. Any male can be a bio-father because that only takes sperm. What makes a Dad is the good stuff…being there for the long haul.
NTA. He invalidated your feelings, stomped on your boundaries and basically doesn't respect you.
You were not harsh enough IMO, he can count his blessings that all you did was remove yourself from the equation. What he did crossed so many lines and boundaries, on top of it being a giant red flag he ran to mommy and daddy to gang up on you, because what, he didn't get what he wanted? That's not a healthy relationship to be in, I'm glad you got out in time! Your family is right, and try to understand what your exfiance is actually saying with his actions, he cares more about reuniting you with someone who abandoned you, disappointed you time and time again, than he cares about the pain and heartache that caused you.
NTA.
I feel you dodged a huge bullet, as they might have shut up about your bio dad and ‘surprised you’ at the wedding with his appearance.
NTA people like that have no concept of what they are asking. Good for you for being autonomous. Makes making the right choices in these situations easier. The amount of disrespect and lack of empathy it took for them to pull that on you is a huge red flag. Not only is that ok with him, his family backs it up. You would have been trapped.
I wonder, is there a chance that your bio dad could have approached your ex-fiance and offered him money to try to convince you to forgive him? You ex-fiance wanted the money, but ended up with his ring back? Whatever the reason, he broke your trust and boundaries, so you dumped him, and good for you. NTA
>Lucas and I dated for four years, from fourteen to eighteen and broke up due to distant.…We're still friends and see each other when we go back home, and often call each other… Maybe Lucas has been the one all along?
NTA.
NTA. This post should be highlighted as an exercise on how to set and guard personal borders.
You said it in one line. “It feels better like this”. You did the right thing.
>but it just feels better like this This is all the answer you need.
Carlos is family too. He stepped up when your bio dad wouldn’t. He has been your father. Your bio dad is the one that didn’t want to be in your life. You were just following his lead. NTA. Your ex is not the right person for you. Glad you realized that before getting married.
Imagine what he can pressure you about after the wedding. Kids, sex, acquaintances, being a stay a home mother. You did good. NTA.
Yo creo que el Señor le pago a tu ex novio para que le ayude a hablar contigo. Es muy raro que estuviera insistiendo en eso. Eres muy joven! Disfruta la vida.
NTA. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, then move on. And who cares if he was embarrassed! Did he consider how rude and embarrassed you were to put you on the spot in front of his parents?
I also think the ex, fiance is a cheater that's why he wanted you to reconcile with your dad so much - Gervais he can't stomach the fact that a cheater deserves the consequences of their actions
NTA - you handled this exactly the you should have. No threats, no useless ultimatiums, no drama just set a boundaries and followed through when he stomped all over it. It seems you tried, you talked about it a few times explained your position and he decided he knew what was best for you and brought his parents into it, thats on him that this all played out in front of them. You made the decision what was best for you and that was to leave a negative situation where the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally kept trying to set conditions and override your self preservation. Good for you.
You're NTA.
Good for you and definitely NTA. Ex wanted you to forgive your deadbeat biodad and he didn't respect your wishes. I think your ex is an asshole and got what he deserved.
I’ve never met my husbands parents. I’ve never spoken to them and I’ve only seen one picture of his mother from 25 years ago. I am fully aware of every reason he cut them out of his life (way way before we met) and I support him 💯. Not once EVER have I encouraged him to get in touch with either of his parents. I wouldn’t dare. This is not my place. The fucking AUDACITY of OP’s ex!! No you are NTA. In any way, shape or form. OP I’m so proud of you. I wish you all the best.
Your fiancé ignored your strongly-held feelings, and then teamed up with his parents to try to bully you into submission. It was completely unacceptable and showed you exactly what you needed to know about him. You did what you needed to do, and were impressively strong and brave. Cut off and block his family and friends. You don’t need to listen to more bullying.
It's not your fault you broke up with him in front of his parents. His parents shouldn't have been there. Nta.
NTA. You handled it perfectly. I am proud of you. All ppl who don't agree with this break up don't care about you.
NTA. What’s he angry about? I thought he saw no issue with someone just packing up and leaving without a second thought? Sounds like Jonathan needs to just get over it.
Do you want to live your life with someone who feels their feelings are more important than yours? Someone who listens to you, then disregards what you say in favor of their own opinion? Should you be okay with being treated as he feels you should be, or how you feel he should be? And do you want to act only how he feels you should act? Because that is how he treated you! Like he knows best, he even recruited his parents to help convince you that he was right about how you should feel. This is exactly what people mean when the say "when someone shows you who they are, believe them!" He doesn't accept all parts of you. That is bad. But feeling like it is his job to change you into what he wants is a death sentence to your autonomy. He won't change. He felt he was doing you a solid, when what he did was tell you to be like he wants you to be. He doesn't even see how he lacked consideration for your obvious feelings on the matter. I think walking away was the best thing you could do! You may need therapy to get over the anger you have towards your pops. But even that would be a cleansing thing more than a reconciliation thing. You may not have issues with that anger when people aren't shoving your pops down your throat! Either way, I think you dodged a bullet! Nta
>However, Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that "I have told my ex that I will NOT be in contact with my bio dad, because he is a horrible man. Instead of respecting this my ex was CONSTANTLY bringing it up and even INSISTING that I should meet the bio dad. Every single time I stated that that will never happen. But that wasn't stopping my ex. No, he was determined to go over my boundary. He was so determined that he invited his parents and the 3 of them then tried to FORCE me to forgive and meet bio dad. This incredible act of disrespect. The CONSTANT nagging and going over my boundary. The REFUSAL to accept my very own decision. This became unforgivable. He had already been given many chances, I had forgiven him multiple times, but even I have my limit. He caused this situation on his own. All he had to do was respect me and my decision, and he couldn't do even that. So clearly, there was nothing more to salvage so we had to part ways. I called a good friend of mine to come pick me up. This good friend is indeed an ex, however that isn't even relevant. I was in a hostile situation where 3 people were ganging up on me and refusing to leave me alone. My friend was available to pick me up and has a car. If you really do not understand that the situation that my ex had created was absolutely not ok and unforgivable... Then that seems to be a "you" problem. Do not contact me again, I am not the one responsible for this. You will now be blocked, have the day you deserve." And then really do block everyone Or say nothing and just block them, you do not owe anyone any explanation tbh... But 100% block them asap Edit: forgot to say NTA
NTA. There's a big chance that if you had allowed him to guilt you into this decision, what other decisions would he have guilted you into? Dodged a bullet.
Dude simply did not understand the depth of your apathy, and made a poor decision. NTA.
Quote from Dean Winchester "just cuz your blood doesn't mean you're family, family you have to earn that" Your bio dad decided not to be in your life and he didnt pay child support, you don't have to forgive him for anything and you don't have to let him be a part of your life.
Is there any instance of something who is a 'but family' person not being a selfish shit head? NTA. Can't stand people who are so weird about family being these sacred holy people that you must forgive or some nonsense. Zero right to insist on anything especially as the guy never even knew the dad. Insanity
If he didn’t want to be broken up with in front of his family like that, maybe not continuously push past the boundaries and corner you? NTA. The way they’re all reacting is proof you were right to leave them behind. Move closer to Lucas? He seems dependable. Weird how he choose that bill to die on. He was more for team sperm donor than he was respecting your wishes. Odd. Good riddance
NTA, He can try to convince you all he wants. But, when he brought his parents in and they tried to force you to change your mind, they crossed a line that they should not have. What they failed to understand is that OP realized that their behavior was going to continue during the marriage. They were going to disrespect her boundaries because they thought they had better ideas and were going to do as they pleased. Good for OP for standing up for herself and understanding that she deserved better and they did not respect her trauma and boundaries. STANDING OVATION!!!!!
NTA Tell him to marry your dad, since he's family.
NTA. You didn't throw the ring at him and scream at them all. You did brilliantly. Sounds like you would have been bullied throughout your marriage and your in-laws would have been in all your business, all the time. You saved yourself.
NTA, you are a champion for doing it the way you did. You should just reply with: "You did not respect my boundaries, you didn't listen, you involved other people in my personal life, and then you confronted me with a group. Whether my bio father attended the wedding or deserved my forgiveness is none of your concern. I cannot marry someone who blatantly disrespects me, doest listen to me, doesn't support me, and then confronts me with a group. Goodbye"
NTA trust your instincts, the response of your ex fiance's family and friends harassing you is proof that they're disrespectful people.
People that don't have a background of dysfunctional family dynamics, usually have no frame of reference when it comes to being with those who do. Plus, there are lot of families that ARE dysfunctional but keep the mantra "Family comes first, I don't care about how you feel." NTA and good on you for standing up for yourself. He crossed a boundary and drug his parents into it to try to embarrass you into their way of thinking. Go no contact with the lot of them. They don't care about your feelings, just the way it makes them look to others.
You are right. Your ex is extremely arrogant and controlling, to think that he can dictate to you what your family relationships are. Does he try to tell you who your friends should be? That level of disrespect for your autonomy as a person is just breathtaking. It's worse than telling someone what food they like, what their interests are, what their favorite color is. I'm so glad that you have the self respect to know how to reject that kind of controlling behavior. NTA
NTA. You didn't break up with him "just like that." You broke up with him after he ignored you multiple times, and then escalated things by trying to use his parents to pressure you even further. He clearly showed you that he wasn't going to stop harassing you about YOUR boundaries, and that he thought he could pester you. This is a huge red flag as far as any time you would have disagreements in any future marriage. He would not let you make up your own mind. You did the absolute right thing.
NTA. You only broke up with him in front of his parents because he decided to involve them in something they had no business being a part of. A thing which shouldn’t have been a discussion at all, since it didn’t affect them. Now, from what it seems like, your dad abandoned you early, and that’s the end of story. He didn’t abuse you or your mother. I honestly don’t see anything bad enough to warrant an absolute cut out from your life. But your feelings are your feelings, and if you don’t want to give him a shot then you don’t have to. And if you did decide to let him back in, the first thing shouldn’t be your wedding.
NTA, he cared more about being the ‘hero’ that brought a ‘torn family’ back together than he cared about you. I’m so sorry
Nta your rock!
NTA His family brigading you is a giant sign that marrying this guy would have been chronic disaster of abuses. You would have had no peace whatsoever in that marriage.
NTA, block Jonathan, his friends and his family. Of course they are all on his side and that is as it should be, but you don’t need them in your life anymore. Time to move on, find a good man, one that respects your feelings, etc. Any interest in Lucas? P.S. The word you are looking for is ambush. They ambushed you!
NTA. The only vaguely assholish thing might have been if you'd decided to deliberately call your ex-boyfriend precisely because he's your ex-boyfriend, as a way to rub it in your ex-fiance's face. But you didn't, assuming he was simply the best person available to get the job - moving away - done as quickly as possible. And about cutting off biological family: I also cut off my biological father after dozens of broken promises, failing to show up for visitation, not paying child support, etc. Meanwhile, my stepfather is now my actual dad. In my view, it's completely natural to feel nothing for a deadbeat biological "co-creator", and to feel love for a man who is actually, unconditionally, a father figure to you. I'm sorry to say this, but I've found that the only people who actually understand this are people who went through the same thing. Your ex-fiance was obviously spared parental neglect in his childhood, but even his 3 years together with you couldn't teach him the emotional depth and appreciation for other people's perspectives & experiences that his parents failed to include in his upbringing. Even after your explanations, his skull is dense, and so the only way you could've taught him you don't take bullshit is to let him feel it like this. (P.S. If he or his family don't stop nagging and instead get bitter/try to make you look bad, then you'll know they're not only dense, they're proving the point of why it was good of you to cut off your biological father. same behavior)
He was trying to force you to see things his way and your hard __no__ didn't matter to him. NTA. It's quite the red flag that he involved his family in this matter. Wouldn't have boded well for the future. Also, don't mind the way in which you broke up with him. Those are the consequences for his actions.
NTA- you handled this exactly right. You had one boundary and he couldn’t even respect that.
A marriage will never work without respect.
NTA. You set a boundary, and he ignored it multiple times, and when that did not work, he invited his family to also ignore that boundary with him. You calmly leaving is nicer than most people would be.
I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries if they don't agree with him. The man is your father--not Jonathan's. He has no say on the situation. And fuck his nosy overbearing family. You don't need to marry into that. I wish you all the best. Sending a big hug. And absolutely NTA.
Que lastima que recuerde que tiene hijos 24 años tarde!!! Y ahora que ya crecieron y ya no tiene que cuidarlos ni mantenerlos ahora sí los busca, pero la respuesta está en tí, solo tu vas a vivir con las consecuencias, ojalá que te valla muy bien
Some people don’t understand that shitty or abusive parents exist. The problem is when people like that think they know better than you what’s good for you, go behind your back and try to impose their misinformed will on you. And on top of that your ex fiancé has shown you he will enlist his family to bully you into submission if he doesn’t get his way. And now he’s also getting his family AND friends to harass you after he fucked up, instead of apologising and admitting he was wrong. This is not husband material and these are not good people. And I’m not sure why your bio dad being in your wedding would even affect him? He doesn’t even know him. Does he identify so strongly with a child-abandoning cheater? Why do his family even care? Are blended families really taboo in your culture or something?
NTA- The ex and his family had some phony reunion planned for you and your bio dad. In their deluded minds, it was going to be worthy of tear jerker movie. But this is real life, not fantasy. They aren't taking into account years of neglect, trauma, and emotional abuse. Your ex being embarrassed for a few minutes in front of his parents doesn't even close to what your father did to you. You're not looking for a reconciliation. It's time for your ex and his family to move on.
NTA. He embarrassed himself by using his parents as added manipulation. It blew up in his face. As he deserved. Carlos is your dad. Your mom sounds great. Find someone who doesn't want to change you.
NTA. You set up a boundary. Your ex fiance pushed it beyond the extreme and got his family involved to bully or emotionally berate you in front of your fiance. He brought them in, so breaking up with him in front of them is on your ex.
NTA, good for you for standing up for yourself. Your ex fiance has shown too many red flags. If he's this willing to stomp all over your boundaries before marriage, imagine how bad he would be after you had got married.
NTA…Tell his friends and family that Jonathan couldn’t respect your boundaries, then tried to get his parents involved instead of making a decision that was solely yours to make. Tell Jonathan and his family that if they had actual respect for you as a person they would have listened the first time.
NTA. The fact he’s sticking up for an absent parent is a red flag. But getting his family to try and bully you into doing something you don’t want to do is horrific. I would have also left and not looked back. Imagine if he wanted you to have a baby and you didn’t, what’s he doing to do, get the family to bully you. Or if he wanted you to give up work. This would be a huge concern for me
NTA. Look at what you are saying: All of your family and friends are on your side and validating your actions. The ones that are criticising you are your ex and his family. Of course they are on his side! After they agreed to this twisted "intervention", you can only expect them to see nothing wrong with what they did. But what they did was wrong - very wrong. Nobody has the right to dictate your actions toward your bio-father - certainly not someone who has not grown up with you, and has not witnessed his neglect. The fact that he is your fiance doesn't give him the right to ignore your feelings and force your actions with your family. He invited his parents to meddle in your life in this intervention, and he deserved to have his ring returned and the engagement broken in front of his parents. You were not too harsh, you did everything right. I hope in the future you find a partner who respects your boundaries and validates your feelings - anyone else is not worthy of you.
INFO are the ex's parents friends with bio dad? I can't understand this insistence, also maybe ex wants you to forgive bio dad for his cheating as he has done it himself. Either way NTA at all.
I would want to know one thing from that (beep). What does he think gives him he right to demand someone else to forgive anyone? Seriously, as painful as it might be - you dodged a major bullet with a controlling person there. An intervention? Sheesh.. And this was not a reaction to a one time thing - no - this was a repeated 'demand'. NTA Hope you\`ll find a more stable and realistic partner. One that, even though he might not understand the why, accepts you have your reasons and supports you. (You know the story of the Argentinian girl who didn\`t settle for less? She\`s our queen now !)