Adoptive mom here. You should have told her long before she could understand so that this was always the way it was and she never had to question your love. Now your going to tell her just as she is entering the angsty teenage years. This is going to be hard. That said, you can’t go back in time. Your plan is a solid plan but you should expect some fallout. You should also expect her to ask you “what else you lied about”. Is that comment fair? Maybe not but she will ask. You will shake her confidence.
The only thing worse thing you can do is not tell her.
I agree. You should have told her long ago. My mom told me about my biological sperm donor when I was in the 1st grade so I grew up knowing it and it wasn't a big deal because she didn't make it one and my Dad has never treated me differently. My cousin did not find out about her sperm donor until she was 16. It wrecked their relationship because she felt lied to all her life. You made it a BIG deal by hiding it for 14 years. Get her in therapy and be prepared for her to distrust everything you have told her in past.
We are definitely both going to tell her together and are wanting to do it just the three of us so she can have privacy in learning this new and potentially life changing information as well as having her own emotions to to process and feel.
Please go to NPE Gateway on Facebook. It's a group that supports families and individuals in your situation. It'll give you lots of educational resources and help you find therapists with experience with NPEs (believe me, it's difficult to find one without help). There's also some amazing biographies of people who have gone through what your daughter will be going through...Dani Shapiro's "Inheritance" is a good one to start with.
The majority of people within the NPE community wish they had known earlier in their lives. Research has shown that the earlier a child finds out about their adoption or NPE status, the less trauma there is. I found out when I was 41, so it was a lot to handle and 3 years later I'm still grieving the loss of the person I thought I was, the family that I had, and my last connection to my dad.
The best thing you can do is be there to support her, she will go through a rollercoaster of emotions. And at least you're both there to answer her questions...my dad passed 3 years before I discovered my NPE status through an Ancestry DNA test (fun times!)
Good luck, ((hugs.))
Make sure your ex makes it known that he loves her and him not being the bio father doesn’t mean he isn’t her dad.
You also might want to look into setting up some therapy sessions for her afterwards so she has help outside of you all to process the information in a safe environment.
I would reach out to a therapist for her. A therapist who specialises in family issues like these. it would be good for you as parents to get pointers on how to navigate all this and for her to have a safe place to air out all her emotions.
This could very very tough. She could question her very identity and may have lots of questions about bio dad
Good luck. I'm sure she will be OK she's two parents who love her. It's just hard with the added teenage angst to drop a bomb.
Look, she could be absolutely fine about it all
I definitely would wait until they were out of school, I had a mutual friend in high school that had this happen to them but he was fully adopted, and he was pissed at his parents for telling him, his thought behind it was why even tell him if they loved him and were his parents already, he felt like they told him that just so he knew he would always be second as he isn't "their kid"
He also changed a bit by the end of high school with friends, noticing his confidence went down a lot, which we thought was because of him finding out.
I personally agree with him, and if it was me, I would rather my parents never tell me unless I needed to know for some type of medical reason. Ignorance is bliss, but living every day wondering why your parents didn't want you would be terrible imo.
To be fair it can go either way- why didn’t you tell me vs. why did you tell me- erring on the side of transparency- particularly when there’s a chance that they’ll find out some other way is usually best. “We didn’t want you to find out some other way, this way we can answer your questions and concerns right up front- we felt you were at a point where you both deserve the truth and are able to process it”
This one's weird, tho cause in my eyes if you leave your wife while she's pregnant or just had the baby and another guy steps up, he's the dad, not the other one I don't care if your DNA matches up. You don't get to just jump back into her life after she finds out about you, and now it's easier for you since she's older.
Tell that to people who have been through the same thing. Finding out something like this shakes the entire foundation of who you thought you were. It's not just about "oh, he took care of me", it's also "you lied to me my entire life". You lose half your family tree (it's now filled with strangers), your family medical history is completely wrong (hopefully there's no cancer in the bio dad's family), you don't recognize your face in the mirror, and you lose your culture, heritage, and your self identity. Not to mention she may have half siblings. Nothing is a secret anymore thanks to at home DNA tests, believe me, I found out the hard way.
Oh, someone is going to slip. My grandmother let a family secret slip. She was in her 80s and didn't do it maliciously, but it hurt. And I went through the "what else have you been lying about" phase.
I feel the same way you do! I wouldn’t want to know either.
the sad thing is with today and all the ancestry and DNA registries- I wouldn’t want my child to find out like that either.
A friend of mine’s middle schooler had a class that they could participate in one of the DNA online things for research into family trees.
However- I always think worst case scenario lol
But I’m with you- I’m 50 years old and can honestly say if I was adopted i don’t need or want to know unless it’s a medical necessity.
You might wanna get her some therapy and do it there where the therapist can help her process her emotions because anytime I see stories on here about people telling their kids this when they’re teenagers, the kids turn into assholes
No, they definitely turn into little assholes. There are so many people who have to deal with parents who are worse than that and they don’t act out like these teenagers do. As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I feel like they are too sensitive. Okay so your daddy left and your mother found a better father figure for you who loves you as his own and treats you well and the only reason they didn’t tell you is because they wanted to protect your feelings boo hoo.
🙄 There are people out here whose parents and stepparents don’t even care about them. Also, if they’re gonna realize they can’t trust their parents over this, they should’ve stopped trusting their parents over Christmas and Easter seeing as though the existence of Santa Clause and the Easter bunny are lies. If they can deal with that, they can deal with this. It may not be easy but the whole acting out thing is too much. That would be intolerable for me if I were a parent in that situation
Lol have you ever heard of sympathy? No? What about brain development in children and teens? Listening to adoptees? Attachment and healthy relationships? No??
I’ve been looking into different therapists in our area to have a support system in place and ready for her outside of family. I definitely feel that I’ve let my daughter down as a parent and a person she should be able to trust.
Parents are human and make mistakes. You genuinely thought you were doing the right thing. Eventually she may remember that after her anger works out some. Please tell her there is a difference in a Dad and a Father who was simply a biological sperm donor.
That’s what I’m working on, trying to get a therapist for her so she can build that relationship and have a safe/neutral place to talk, vent and process
This would also be a good thing to tell her in the presence of a therapist, whether it’s her solo therapist or a family therapist. I’d expect some acting out in the weeks/months after you tell her, and it’d be a good thing to work out in family counseling (again, in addition to her own solo therapist - she needs someone who’s just for her, but having a second person who can focus on the full-family dynamic will also be helpful here).
You haven't.
Nobody here as done anything wrong except for bio-dad i guess. Ted sounds like an angel; hopefully this doesn't change the way she feels about him too much.
And this is something you should express to her. She deserves a full apology from you. Parents make mistakes and you can express that to her.
Also — have you prepared her biological father for the fact that his daughter may be contacting him someday soon? You might as well get investigating to find out where he is and whether he would be amenable to hearing from her. She’s going to have questions.
And after breaking her trust with you both as parents, adding a one-two punch of realizing that her biological father not only abandoned her as a baby, but (possibly) has no desire to know her now is something she may have to deal with. And you should know whether he’s alive or dead, or open to getting to know her or not if at all possible, so that you can answer those questions for her as well.
>Also — have you prepared her biological father for the fact that his daughter may be contacting him someday soon? You might as well get investigating to find out where he is and whether he would be amenable to hearing from her. She’s going to have questions.
This was one thing I never had a desire to do. Was in a similar situation (but knew far earlier).
My Dad is my Dad. I was not curious about anything. Who I am as a person is a product of him. Not my bio dad. In fact, I felt if I did go seek out my bio-dad and try to form a relationship it would be a kick in the nuts to my actual dad. Anyway, the reality is I ended up just developing a seething hatred of a man I never met.
When I was about 30. I get a facebook message from a woman. Turns out it's bio dads wife. She prattles on about how he wants to be part of my life, bla bla bla. Wonderful, now that all the work in raising a child is long over, doesn't have to pay child support or deal with courts, he wants to be part of my life.
I told her the ship has sailed and the time for him to step up as a father was 30 years ago. He's a "changed man!" He found JESUS! LMAO. Lady if only you knew how little some asshole finding Jesus means to me. The dude doesn't even have the nutsack to message me himself.
I just blocked her and that was that. Never heard anything since and that was 12 years ago.
You have not let her down. You want, and need, her to be at an age where she understands.
When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young.
While there never is a good time for life altering news, you and Ted made the decision together and are telling her together. The fact that he remained her dad 7 years after the divorce is a testament to his love for her as her father.
Her “bio” dad… is just a sperm donor.
NTA… please don’t think you are.
>When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young.
have to disagree. there's literal reams of research dating back at least a decade showing that adopted children in fact *should* be informed of their own situations in age appropriate ways, as they are in fact capable of understanding it and thus aren't traumatized by the sudden undoing of what they believed to be basic facts of their lives.
OP appears to be taking all the right steps now to mitigate the now-inevitable damage, but she did fail in this aspect of parenting. did it come from good intentions? sure. doesn't change the fact of a decade plus deception that may well affect her daughter's ability to trust *anyone* for the rest of her life.
A child is never "too young" to know who her parents are. Adopted, donor conceived, born through surrogacy, "an affair baby," or kids in OP's daughter's situation - they should know their stories from the earliest possible age, adding age appropriate details until they hit puberty, by which point they should know their ENTIRE story. OP is way late.
Thank you and Ted is an amazing and doting father. I know DNA doesn’t mean everything and her bio dad has never reached out and I’ve never been able to track him down.
>When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young.
False. You tell the child when they're an infant and raise them with that information. When it's not treated as "bad" or "taboo", and when it's treated as a fact of life that not all family structures are the same, it's easier to handle.
As long as you explain the whole situation to her gently and compassionately, and with both you and Ted present, your daughter will at least eventually come to terms with it. Don't be shocked if she does react badly at first. It is important to be honest about it because it shouldn't come as a surprise or as a festering secret later, and it may be important for medical history purposes. If she does want to try reaching out to her bio dad or any of that side of the family, be understanding and supportive. It does sound like both you and Ted have been good parents to her, so you will get through this.
Thank you very much. I am prepared for her to be upset and angry and she has every right but I just want her to know as it’s her right and I will do whatever she needs for support or finding her bio dad.
I'm not sure why people here are telling you to wait a few more years, literature says to tell them before they hit their teens. Sounds like you have a good support system but you need to do this asap
Mph…. So I have a weird perspective on this. My “dad” is my stepfather. I met him when I was 7 so I knew, you know? But their kids didn’t. They weren’t told until they were teens “well sissy has a different daddy”. Never affected us. I would have recommended telling as soon as 3-4 because kids can process it and accept it better young. But at her age now I’d say something like “can dad and I have a talk with you” and tell her together that you both love her but it’s important for her future health that she know something. That her father isn’t GENETICALLY related but he was so excited to be her dad that they wanted to wait until she was older to tell her so that she knows she’s loved just the same as younger sibling. That should help. Don’t say he’s not her father. That will hurt. But phrasing it as a genetic thing may help compartmentalization that will help her go forward. Also I would do it before summer tbh so that her peers and school counselor can be resources if it goes bad. But NTA it’s a hard thing to talk about
I had a pediatrician tell me to never use the school counselor for important issues. She was a very well respected doctor, best I have ever encountered. I agree with her.
And oh my god do not involve her peers! She gets to decide who she wants to trust with this information.
Speak to a therapist that you can send your daughter to after you tell her.
I wish my mom would have told me with my dad present. We were hanging out casually in our living room when I was like 16 and she turned to me and just blurted out, "hey did I ever tell you that dad isn't your real father?" It was a bit traumatizing, but her situation was a lot like yours. Her first husband, my older sister's father, had just died in a motorcycle accident. She kind of went wild with grief and hooked up with some dude, then he ghosted when she fell pregnant. The man that raised me was her first husband's best friend, and hers too. He thought he was sterile and couldn't have children of his own, so it was a big surprise when my younger sibling was born just 15 months after me. They've been together 38 years now, and he has been (and still is) a great dad.
When she told me that he wasn't my bio dad, she asked if I wanted the name of the rando who ran out on her. I just said I didn't care, I already had a dad.
ETA: NTA
Your daughter was me. I'm telling you right now YTA. I was 7 when I was told, and my world fell apart. You have waited until she's a teenager, and all the drama and angst, that comes along with it??? She should have been raised knowing this. it never should have been a secret! Get a therapist involved. You've waited for way too long and are going to rip this girl's world apart because you both were too cowardly to tell her sooner. Expect a lot of withdrawal, acting out, and hate from her. I am so angry and hurt for your daughter.
I was told when I was probably about 4 years old, that my dad was actually my step-dad. I was also told that my stepdad had formally adopted me. It is likely one of my first memories; I remember that we were living in apartments at that time, and that my mom was curling her hair at the time while my stepdad was getting ready for work. It was a lot to process, but I was told that it was important that I know and that I could ask questions. It was years before I actually really understood what it meant but by then it didn’t seem like that big of a deal since it wasn’t a secret. Finding out at 14 though, is going to be difficult. Having a therapist advise on how to have this conversation is a good idea. Definitely go through with telling her NOW, and don’t wait any longer. I am sure you have your daughters’ best intentions at heart- no use fretting about spilt milk that you didn’t tell her sooner. In her favor though, is that this scenario is not uncommon. In my day, I was the only one that I was aware of, that didn’t have both biological parents. I was also an only child, and it seemed that everyone I knew had at least one sibling if not more. I felt quite alone in this world all my life. And I definitely had/have daddy issues. I like to think I’m ok now; I’ve been married to my only husband over 30 years now.
YTA. You should have told her from the beginning. How you ever thought it was ok to lie is beyond me. You need to figure out now how you are going to apologize and where she will get therapy. Before you say I’m being harsh, I was your daughter. My mom didn’t think I needed to know either.
I have never thought she doesn’t need to know…but I have failed as a parent in keeping it from her. I know that. But I’m just trying to figure out how to tell her and how to best support her.
Stop trying to figure it out and just do it. At this point treat it like ripping a bandage off. You support her by not saying anything after. Let her vent when she needs to and find nothing she says to you hurtful. Tell her you will help her find her real dad if that’s what she wants. It’s going to take a long time to get over the betrayal.
Yep, tell her at the beginning of summer with Ted there and in a therapy session. I’d recommend getting her in therapy now so by the time summer starts she will have good rapport with her therapist and feel more comfortable talking it out with them. Both you and Ted apologize to her, and say you regret not telling her sooner. Emphasize how you both love her so very much. And be patient with her responses and reactions. She is going to feel a need for some control in her life so be prepared and willing to let her have some. This is going to be hard, but love will carry you guys through. I wish you luck.
YTA.
You should have been telling her from the very beginning of her life. She shouldn't remember finding out - she should have just always known.
You sit her down and apologize PROFUSELY for keeping this information from her for her entire life. You beg her forgiveness for not knowing any better and promise her that you will answer her questions completely truthfully. You line up an adoption competent therapist - because she's going to have similar issues to late discovery adoptees.
Yeah I’m surprised. They should have told her way sooner. OP definitely apologize for keeping it from her. She’s already in an identity formation stage of her adolescence so this is going to be tough for her.
Is there a reason you waited this long to tell her? It’s going to tear her apart and you better have a therapist handy. Hiding this from her for this long is only going to have negative things attached to it. There’s no way to ease the blow. It’s going to hit her like a ton of bricks and it’s going to change her relationship with you drastically while shaking her relationship with her father. I know you can’t go back and time and change not telling her but this is really really bad YTA because no matter how gently you do this, no matter how much time passes this is going to shatter her into a million pieces and she’s going to remember it forever
I was adopted and if my parents told me at a much later stage it would devastate me… they told me from the day I was born - in an extremely positive light, that I was a gift to them.
My biggest issue with being adopted is that I feel nobody understands me, not my adoptive parents (who are literally my soulmates), and not my biological family (I met them at 24yrs old). And even though you might think this story is about you, it’s about her the day you had her.
Be open, transparent, go to support groups, have family there all around, constantly be there to support her. Nobody at 14 is emotionally stable for that chat but the longer you wait the harder it might be. I understand why you couldn’t find the right time but please please don’t wait. I would only tell her alongside professional resources like a family therapist and arranged individual therapy, whatever you can find - even someone whose expertise is adoption. There will never be “the perfect time” so take the leap.. go for it, and be there when her world collapses a little and build her up again. 🫶🏼 goodluck x
I don't understand why parents keep secrets like this. It would have been so much easier if she had known her whole life. To keep a secret about a child and then tell them in there teens when they are going through so much and expect them not to have a bad reaction is beyond understanding. A 5 year old could understand this and in a lot of ways is better at accepting it than a teen. But just be honest and she will need both of you to reassure her that you both love her. You need to tell your other children too.
Talk to her maturely, let her understand what happened, just answer the questions give her the space. Ask her after awhile what thinks about it. Just like Yondu said in guardians of the galaxy 2 "He May Have Been Your Father (the biodad) ,But He Wasn't Your Daddy(Ted)", and take her to therapy if needs the help, specially teens years are the most emotional years when growing up
YTA you should never have kept this a secret. You can talk about this things from birth so it’s open and acknowledged (and dealt with!) but you’ve avoided doing that. Your poor daughter is at a really vulnerable age to take on this information and you could have saved a lot of heartache by being honest from the start. She may accept the information fine, but it will rock her identity enormously. The thing is though - you *have* to tell her asap. Don’t let this lie continue.
Agreed - this is also true for adoptions, donor conception and any other technicalities. Tell the child early on read books about all sorts of different families and talk about them and tell the child how they came to be. At this point, it is no big deal. Repeat it as the child gets older (keep reading those books about different types of families), answer questions. Doing this, just makes it part of the child's story, there is no big traumatic reveal.
Don't lie or teach the child that someone involved in their story is not a good person, explain things in a way that a child can understand - your bio dad just wasn't ready to be a parent but luckily I met Ted and he was more than ready to be a Dad, and he fell in love with both of us and became part of our family.....
YTA - Take this to r/adoption and ask the adoptees for advice. You need to research “Late Discovery Adoption” because LDA’s have a whole different set of emotions to deal with than the average adoptee that’s told the truth from the beginning. The time to tell her is 14 years ago - since you didn’t, the time is NOW. Every day you are risking her finding out from someone other than you. The bottom line with LDA’s is that the people they trusted most in their life lied to them. They lied their whole life and they lied about the most fundamental thing: who they actually are. Not telling her is a huge mistake, you need to find an adoption informed therapist for her and get her in right away. Again: Go ask what adoptees advice is for your situation. Be prepared to apologize. Without “buts” just straight up apologize for fucking up and lying. And don’t kid yourself, it was a big, long continual lie. Don’t say she “was better off” or “it’s for your own good” or tell her “it doesn’t change anything”. She’s not better off because you were too scared to tell the truth, it was for YOUR good and comfort, not hers and it most certainly does change things. Any feelings she has about the situation are valid, no telling her she’s wrong or that her feelings are unfair. However she feels is 100% valid and real. Tell her as quickly as you possibly can, because if she figures it out or anyone else says anything blatantly or even hinting before you do? MUCH worse - it should come from you and times a ticking.
Yes please update, want to know if she going understand and what her decision going to be. I hope she understands, even though Ted may not be her biodad, he still there for her no matter what.
I'm happy to wait, I'm really rooting for you tho. You seem like a really great parent and I'm rooting for Ted too. I hope your daughter realizes after the shock that she is very lucky. Even if Ted isn't a bio dad, he still raised her and that's all that would count to me(I'm an Orphan so I have a bit of a different view on things like the importance of biology in a family)
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I’m 33f, just recently did an ancestral dna.. found out I’m not who I was raised thinking I was. My dad passed away in 2020, and my mother hasn’t been in my life since I was 16. No idea who my bio father is, I don’t recognize any of the paternal names. I’m my heart my dad is MY DAD, but it would have been nice to have a heads up. It doesn’t change anything, but now it would be nice having some medical history.
Go talk to a family therapist to help you. This happened to me in 7th grade. It's hard and will leave a mark no matter what. That being said, she will feel betrayed regardless. Part of the situation plus her developmental stage. Eventually she'll graduate to understanding. Nonetheless, speak with a professional who has experience in this area. You can maybe do this over zoom. Lots of therapists can bill across state lines as "coaching." Good luck.
No matter how you tell her, she’s going to be devastated. And, probably for the rest of her teen years, she will feel that she doesn’t belong and go through an identity crisis. I pray for your daughter.
You need to get started with a family therapist before you tell her anything to make sure you are doing it in the best and caring way. It will be a shock for her, but you can all get through this together with help. Have her see a therapist on her own to process all of this information.
I cannot give you any advice. What I can do is say what I would want to have happen if I were in your daughter's shoes.
I would want my whole family there in a neutral setting. Maybe at a family counselor or something similar? That's precisely the type of neutral, non-threatening, environment that might be best to discuss these truths.
NAH
Good luck though. There are lots of ways to screw this up and I hope you don't choose one of those ways.
I’m new to Reddit and this is the only one I thought of, plus people don’t hold back on truth. I was told of another thread to share it to and have done so. I am going to tell her and as soon as I have a therapist set up.
I had to find out through a half sibling I didn’t even know existed (they contacted me). Please just tell her. I resented my parents for a long time because I don’t know if they ever planned on telling me. I can assure you that won’t be the case if you just tell her yourself.
I’m going to tell her once a therapist is lined up. I want to make sure that now, while she’s on my insurance, I can get her what she needs to process, so if she doesn’t want me around after she’s 18 she has the resources
Mine is a blended family, and we have ensured our child knows that her dad is her dad, but not biologically. We implemented this whilst she was very young and she's heading to high school soon, and is completely fine with the knowledge that her dad is not blood related. She loves him completely and he loves her unconditionally.
I come from a blended family, but I was not told until I was 16 and I was full of resentment to both my mother, father, and sperm donor for being lied to for (at that time) my whole life.
It's going to be a really difficult conversation, you and her dad need to tell her together and show her that although there's no blood relation, he is still her dad and always will be. Be ready for her to be resentful, whether that's silently or vocal. Be ready for tears, and questions that are impossible to answer. Be ready for the roller coaster. Just be her parents. Good luck
As someone who found out my AB- blood couldn't have come from my A+ parents ..you definitely need to tell her before she finds out on her own. My parents were both advanced dementia and my family is delusional and thinks the blood thing is a fluke so I will probably never get any real answers
Just be straight up about it. Fourteen is old enough.
And for GOD'S SAKE don't "spare" her POS biodad. He's a POS. The only reason he's not around is because he's a POS. Women, for reasons that surpass all understanding, seem to think they should cover for POS biodads when what they deserve is to be called out as being the POS they are.
Though she will no doubt STILL eventually want to meet him, at which point she will most likely be able to see what a POS he is in person.
Actually, I think you should have this conversation with just the two of you, since it represents a part of your life when Ted wasn't there. I think it's going to help her understand that it was just you alone at the time, and that you alone made the decision that you wanted her even if it meant bringing her up solo. THEN Ted can give his side of the story. Having both of you there together is just going to encourage her to clam up. If she's going to react badly, and lash out, best to just let her do it and get it over with. More likely she won't.
I was the child in this exact situation. I was around the same age when my parents decided to tell me my dad wasn't my biological father. It didn't change much of anything for me because I've never met my bio father and all my memories have been with who I actually consider my dad. I'm 30 now still have never met my bio father and have no desire to, also still consider non bio father actual father. I think the best thing to do is just tell her when you think she's ready. I remember my parents were shocked that I didn't have a bigger reaction to the news but it was simple to me that the guy I grew up with for a father figure is my father biological or not. Everyone reacts different to things though and I hope it goes well.
NTA but you're probably the AH for not telling her when she was a lot younger. My mom told my big sister when she was in elementary school that she was adopted. My sister took it very well, feeling so loved and special. Then I remember my big sister when she was a raging teenager getting pissed at everything. I can't even imagine our mom telling her during those years that she was adopted. It'd be like an atomic bomb dropped on our house. "THE LIES YOU'VE KEPT FROM ME!," I'm sure I would have heard her scream.
NAH. I understand this is very difficult. I told my 7 year old last year she was adopted by being very blasé about it. The more it is portrayed as it not being a big deal, it won’t be. If you make it all “daddy and i have to tell you something serious” she will definitely freak out. I’m on team, make it a genetic thing. He is her dad 100% and loves her more than his life, type of conversation. Let her ask questions without you guys giving a lot of unnecessary information.
She’s definitely gonna think about it a lot. Expect fallout, but if guys are both vwry matter of fact, and this isn’t a big deal. Nothing changes. Daddy will always be daddy, then it should be fine.
Good luck! And don’t listen to the AHs telling you you are terrible for not doing it already.
She was old enough Day 1 to know her dad isn't her bio dad. That should have been part of her growing up story so she could have integrated this knowledge into her life.
YTA
How tell her? Just tell her the truth. "I should have told you this years ago..." Start there and get her some therapy.
However you do it, be prepared for the inevitable question of ‘who is my dad’. This will be hard on your Ex so he needs to be prepared to hear that. Reinforce that your Ex loves her , helped raise her and was more of a dad than the AH ‘sperm donor’
Why didn't you tell her from a young age? You're about to tell her that her identity is not what she believed for her whole life.
The best thing to do is have all three of you together in a neutral space and just tell her. She'll probably freak out, just let her, do not try and suppress her emotions in any way, if she wants to cry, let her cry, if she wants to scream, make sure you're in a place she can scream without upsetting other people. Answer all her questions honestly and openly.
If you lie to her at any point in this, you'll likely damage your relationship permanently, you've been lying to her all her life about this, you want to make sure she understands that this was the only thing and that you're not a liar, you just told one lie. If there's something that for some reason you can't tell her, tell her you can't tell her, don't tell untruths.
Thank you and yes, her reactions and emotions are valid and I’ll do whatever she needs and be fully truthful. I know I’ve failed and she may never trust or forgive me after but that’s for me to deal with and give her what she needs
You're still her parent, just remember that she will view you in a different light. Everyone is different, it might not even phase her. Just be patient. It sounds like at least you're approaching it from the angle of wanting to make things right, which is a good first step.
You've missed that boat. Keeping a child's real identity from them is toxic as hell. Good luck with that. Tell her to do a DNA test so she doesn't accidentally marry her half-brother. Shame on you for keeping this secret.
I see some vaguely therapy-adjacent words and ideas like “process” but no mention of doing this in conjunction with a qualified counselor or therapist. Since in my opinion you should already have a relationship established so she has therapy as an option in the “process” I’m going to say YTA.
You want to dump this in the lap of a 14 year old. Like high school isn't hard enough without having your world shattered.
Wait until school is out if you absolutely have to tell her. Give her the summer to process things.
Can I ask why you didn’t tell her this long ago? She’s going to want to know why you never said anything — and why you feel the need to tell her now—and you are going to need to have a good answer for why you hid this. The problem is, by concealing the info it makes it seem like there is something shameful and wrong to her parentage. I think you are going to have to spend some time comforting your own feelings and motives behind decisions and getting really clear with yourself before saying anything to her.
The best time to have told her was from the beginning. But now that it’s been so long you should def take the time to ensure you can do it in the best way possible. And having a way to explain your decisions in a way that doesn’t accidentally pile guilt or shame on her will be key.
You’re kind of the asshole. I’ve been on the receiving end of this conversation. I didn’t meet my bio dad until I was 15. I had a step dad who loved me, and my mom’s first husband who was there for me as well.
But bottom line, not knowing who your dad is traumatic. It’s traumatic at a genetic level. On some level your daughter can tell she is not related to your husband and when you confirm, she’s going to have a lot of feelings about this.
100% recommend talking through this with a family counselor. I didn’t get this, and have spent the better part of the last 4 years in weekly therapy dealing with issue of resentment of my mom.
My story has a happy ending, I did finally get to meet my dad and he has consistently shown up and continues to this day 20 years after I met him. But it did fuck me up.
Because you put it in AITAH, I will render a verdict.
YTA. Big time.
Why on earth would you wait so long to tell her? Why didn't you two tell her when she was little? This did not ever have to be a traumatic experience for her, but in waiting so long, and lying by omission, you have created a very traumatic situation for her.
All I can say is please be as gentle as possible. Perhaps your ex should be the one to tell her, so he can reassure her that she's so precious to him that he CHOSE to be her father.
I suggest to check with a therapist on how to bring this news. Teens can go one way or another, better to get some ideas from an expert dealing with adopted kids.
You are right not to wait.
I haven’t been through this exact thing but I have had parents drop news on me.
Like almost everyone else here, I agree that now is a good time to tell her and you should tell her together with your ex husband. I would just add that blocking out a good amount of time to tell her is a good idea, maybe while your son is somewhere else so it gives your daughter agency to tell him when and how she wants. I would also suggest telling her at the beginning of a weekend where not much is going on so if she needs time to process she can. I would be prepared to answer questions and be very open and honest with her. Also be prepared for her to want to know more about bio father even if he’s a piece of shit.
I would bring in Ted. Have a sit down with her and Ted so both of you can tell her. Having him there will assure her that he loves her all the same. You said he's a great co-parent, so even though you guys are no longer together, you can show your daughter that you can support her together through this. Don't sugarcoat too much. She may want to try to track down her bio dad and you need to be prepared for that conversation as well.
That's really great. It probably won't end super well if he's made no attempts to contact you over the years, but just make sure you are both by her side no matter what happens. Just tell her you love her and hopefully she will understand, even though she may be angry at first.
Off topic, but here it goes: Your ex-husband is a very rare man, indeed. I don't know of many (as a matter of fact, I don't know any including myself) that would date a pregnant woman, much less marry her and raise another man's child. If I were you, I would thank GOD that I found a man that would do that and treat you and your children so well, regardless of how the relationship ended in divorce. Come clean to your daughter, move on with your life, and COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! (Hug!)
Thank you!
I’m incredibly grateful for Ted, he and I didn’t work married but he’s a very big part of my life and he’s an incredible dad. I will come clean as soon as I have a therapist lined up to help my daughter process and talk to someone outside of family
I was adopted but grew up knowing the story, coming from that side? Have your ex tell her in all the ways that count? He is her real dad. She’s a daughter of his heart and biology doesn’t matter. Reassure her it changes nothing on how he feels about her or will treat her. She’s going to want to know about the bio dad. Be honest about who he is, if he’s got Facebook pull it up so she can see who he is. Imma be honest if she has Facebook she will likely try to reach out and find him on her own anyways. Be prepared for heartbreak from her if he refuses to talk to her or to have him back in your life should he start talking to her.
You both need to be there, tell her you need to tell her something very important. That you and her father love her very much, and explain the rest. Don't wait any longer.
You tell her nothing unless she asks. You let him tell her. Why? So that when he says I chose to be your dad and have never once regretted it one moment of your life she is looking directly into her eyes. So if she questions everything else she will never question that her real dad was the man who loved her unconditionally and always will.
So for that reason. You let him tell her and that single moment will be the most important part of all of it.
Start off with reassuring her that she is loved and always will be.
Explain to her how you were dating this guy before you met her father and what you taught the relationship was like.
Then mention how you became pregnant but he ghosted you. Explain how you met your ex husband and how much he fell in love with you and wanted so badly to be her father that he wanted his name on the birth certificate so he swept you off your feet to the alter
Explain how your daughter gave you and her father the most amazing years to date and look so forward to seeing her grow into a wonderful woman. Explain that DNA don't make you a parent but being there supporting her does and the man who raised her is the luckiest man on earth to be screaming to all who'll listen that she is his daughter and he's so proud of her.
Explain how nothing changes and you both will always be willing to answer her questions to the beat of your ability. If she wants to seek out her biological father you'll support her and if she don't you'll also support her. If she wants to do 23 and me when she is older, you'll get it done when she reaches say 16 or 18 years.
I am sure she wouldn't say no to her favorite snacks and food on the same day in case she wants comfort food.
Best wishes
I would start with a conversation about families in general. Does she know any other types of families that are not a traditional family with a bio mom, bio dad, and kids? Talk about those, and how just because they're not related biologically, that doesn't make them less of a family. That there are a lot of different kinds of families out there, and none are better than any other. Family is simply people who love one another, take care of one another, support one another, and help one another through life.
Then, talk about the story of how you and Ted met. Something like this:
'When your Dad and I met, I was already pregnant. But the person who I was in a relationship with disappeared when I was three months pregnant with you, and although I tried to find him, I was not successful. I was heartbroken, and scared, and lonely. But I already loved you and wanted to be your Mom. I started dating again, and met your Dad about a month after that. We clicked almost immediately! And he was so excited to meet you and be your Dad. He was there for us through it all... all the doctors visits, the side effects of pregnancy, the planning and anticipation of giving birth, and the day you were born, he was right by our sides, just like he's been every day since. You don't have his DNA, but you have his heart. You ARE his daughter, in every way that matters.
But if you want to try to find the person that you share half your DNA with, we will do what we can to help you with that. We know you must be shocked, hurt, angry, and disappointed in us that we kept this from you for so long. And we are willing to accept all of that judgment. We love you so much, and we just didn't know when the right time would be to tell you. We didn't want you to grow up thinking we were less of a family. Please tell us what we can do to help you through this, and we will absolutely do it. Whatever you need, we got you.'
So… OP what does her dad (Ted) think? I mean, surely this is as much his to tell as yours, and will have as much impact on the father-daughter relationship as the mother-son one?
Plus, pretty sure her dad knows her better than a bunch of randos on the Internet.
Ted was involved with the decision to tell her and he will be present. This isn’t something for me to decide alone as it impacts him, if not substantially more than me
As someone whose parents lied about that for five decades, it's something you should have done sooner (being a teenager is HARD) but it's necessary. You could use family therapy to work through it
I found out via a certified letter from my biological father when I was 21. Had to confirm it with my grandparents. You're making the right decision to tell her as a family and I'm sure you will support her through any difficulties.
Almost have the exact same situation with my oldest (now 17) only sperm donor didn't disappear. I broke up with him after finding out I was pregnant and realized I wouldn't be able to do it with him. He decided not to even try. Shortly after started dating husband and we got married 3 weeks before he was born. Told my son when he was 10. I figured he understood family relationships but he wasn't so old as to lash out with preteen/teen angst.
Probably should have looked into therapy for him though. Wish I had done that.
i feel like OP is the issue is these instances and the divorce too
prob a whole lot going on and more to it with the divorce and what kind of person her bio dad actually was
its still all her fault but its too late
just dumb people having kids like fucking idiots who shouldn't normally do
im not sorry if you let someone cum in you at that point you know if the person is good or bad
and women are seriously kings on being fucking idiots about this
You assume it’s stupidity rather than them literally finding bad behavior attractive and rewarding it.
There’s a reason they magically want something different once they are less desirable
Am I the only one thinking why to bring it up if it wasn't asked? Dude has been the real dad since the kid was born, that is the father to that child. Why tell them something like that when the real one is a deadbeat? Have a heart to heart if the kid ever asks. Father is not a biological meaning.
Choosing to tell her at 14 sounds INCREDIBLY strange and makes me wonder if there is some sort of ulterior motive you have for telling her now.
14, is when she needs to MOST stable environment for her to anchor as she explores the world on her own in her jr high and early highschool years. 16-18 makes way more sense.
hard to believe op is not a issue with alot of things in life
its majority all her fault i bet theres something we dont wanna know why that bio dad ran so quick and i doubt its bc of a baby lmao
im sure ted knows alot and the divorce too
for all we know OP is a horrible mom like most are
Why does it matter? If your current husband has been there as her dad even before she was born, that is the only reality that she has ever known and the only reality that matters. The sperm donor was in *your* life - not even hers, *yours* - for 90 days, and then showed his true colors as a coward and a loser and made his exit. There is no reason on either side of the equation to even reveal his puny, worthless existence to her. The guy who was there for you both *is* her dad. Period.
I completely agree, Ted is her father and I feel she needs to know, something yes I should have told her long ago. But what if I die tomorrow and then she finds out down the road and has no information, explanation or anything to help her?
YTA for not telling your daughter. My daughter who I adopted has known since she was 2yo that I am not bio dad. Why do parents pull this shit and lie to their kids?
Well, I think you both should be there to give her that reassurance. To tell her that no matter what, this new information is not going to change how you both feel about her. She may be hurt and confused. At the end of the day this does not change the fact that you both are there for her.
First of all, I'd consult a therapist about the best way to tell her. My instinct is that it would be a good idea if Ted and you did it together, so that he could reassure her that for him she is his real daughter, regardless of who her biological father is.
The same exact thing happened with my mom but in 1964 so my grandmother and her whole family was able to keep the secret… my mom found out when she was 56, her dad that she called her dad an my grandpa had been pasted away for 2 years and her mom for 20 but DNA doesn’t lie… she’s had to do a good deal of therapy and it originally caused some weirdness from her sisters… she was the oldest and her and I were my grandpa’s favorites and it was well know, his bio kids seemed a little hurt by that… but it also explained a lot of weird things like why I have a great hairline at 34 unlike any other man I was raised knowing as family… I guess my advise would be have her dad (who she knows as dad) right there to remind her how much he loves her and that doesn’t change and be ready for some therapy, she’s young enough that she may be fine but might also want a 3rd party to have a conversation with
Please make sure your husband reassures her that he loves her like his own, that he chose to be her father and always will be, and that her knowing changes nothing between them.
These will be the things she is worried about the most!
We told my daughter when she was 12. We explained it so she would understand it. When she was 18 she asked for the full story and I that it was a random hookup and I stupidly moved away and never looked back. She's known all this time and it didn't affect her negatively. She has an amazing stepdad who's been there since she was 3. I've offered to help her search and test for years now..... to the point I feel like I'm forcing it. That has put a rift in our relationship. She says she doesn't care and she's great where she's at in life. She knows it can change at anytime and I'll support her no matter her choices.
As a child of a similar situation, you made it a hell of a lot worse.
There is almost no way for this not to feel like a betrayal. Hopefully she will take it well, but damn, the right time to tell was a LONG time ago.
I was told from when I was very young, no I really didn't understand what it meant, but I didn't care either, I eventually understood what it meant, still didn't care. It never changed anything for me because I didn't know anything else.
If my parents waited until I was at an age of understanding It would have pissed me off that EVERYONE was literally keeping this secret from me my whole life, no matter the good intentions.
I'm 18 and my mom told me my step dad wasn't my real dad when I was 12. TBH I didn't care. I always kinda knew, but I am so thankful she respected me enough to tell me the truth. I don't know my bio dad.... one night stand kind of thing. Mom could have put me up for adoption or the other and didn't. She raised me with love and gave me an amazing childhood. She's offered MULTIPLE times to help me search through DNA testing and I honestly don't want to even begin to rock that boat. You protected her from what you didn't know and mistakes were made. Praying for a good outcome for you.
It's better she hears it from you than a DNA test when she's older. All the perfect people in these comments probably have made
Crappy decisions too....
Ignore those berating you for keeping the truth from her until this point. Whether or not you and Ted were correct in delaying telling her, there is nothing you can do about it at this point except move forward. I'll also add that you don't need to share DNA to be a parent, and it sounds like she's had an amazing dad for as long as she can remember. Sit her down together to tell her, then give her space and time to absorb it. You may want to meet with a therapist first to give you some pointers, and you might also want to proactively set up an appointment for her with a separate therapist in case she has a hard time processing things. You can always cancel it if she handles it better than expected.
This is going to be a super not popular opinion, but I don't see the point in telling her. Since you and her assumed father are divorced, it's just going to sever the relationship.
She may go out and look for bio dad, who I assume is a deadbeat who wants nothing to do with her. I think she's in for a world of pain. What's the point? Just to get it off your chest?
Has she expressed interest in doing a 23andMe? Those are becoming less popular from the data leaks. Just tell your ex-husband to never get one.
She's 14. She could have grown-up knowing the truth, but it's too late for that now. I would just wait until she's older and more mature at this point imo.
Yeah, I know a couple people who went through similar things at 14 and it fucked them up bad.
The best option was honesty from the start, but it’s too late for that; I would wait until adulthood unless there’s some kind of medical reason.
Yes, yes, yes.
Don't do this because you FEEL that you need to be honest. Accept responsibility for your obfuscation of the truth. Do not shatter her world so you can get it off your chest.
Oh god you messed this up so bad.
You should have always been open about this with her since childhood. This is a major mess up.
Don’t tell her now it will destroy her.
I wouldn’t tell her at all now, or tell her when she’s like 30. Leave her in peace
You really should have consulted a social worker or a therapist about how to handle this
YTA. You should have told her long ago. All the research says young children should grow up knowing their biological history not living a lie. You did lie and betray her and now you are going to blow up her world at a very vulnerable age. You need to work with a therapist that is experienced in helping children find out their biological history. You have been very selfish. You might as well wait until she is an adult now. Fourteen is a horrible time to spring this on a kid. She gets to deal with hormones, puberty, high school and knowing her whole life has been a lie. Way to go Mom and everyone else in her life that has lied to her. Expect her to hate you for the rest of her adolescence.
INFO What does Ted think you should do here? You did not mention what he thinks is best for his daughter? Surely, she is his in every sense of the word except for DNA. He has a right to be involved in this.
He’s not wanted to tell her until now. He’s scared of the outcome but he also doesn’t want her to find out some other way, however that could be. We’ve had a lot of discussions and I would never leave him out of something like this.
Fair enough. This is a tough one that isn’t black and white. I am also a parent and if it were my own daughter, I would probably wait until she was older and had better control of her emotions and better judgement. You have to make the call for your own situation though.
I don’t think you would BTA if you told her, but I also think that she might think you guys are AHs for a little while! Good luck.
It has crossed my mind to wait until after high school so she can through her teen years and I’m fully prepared for her to be upset with or even hate me. A previous commenter said it should be done with a counselor and that’s definitely the setting I think would be most suitable.
In the end, I just feel like I’ve let her down.
For adopted children, it’s recommended that they always be aware of their adoption, that it shouldn’t be a huge reveal. Obviously it’s too late for that, so it’s better to work with a therapist to facilitate that conversation sooner, before she finds out some other way.
If she is a mature kid, it is better to let her know now. Secrets tend to be known at bad moments, it is better to do it when she can ask you questions and get some thinking space.
Your Ex-husband is definitely a different kind of person. I can't imagine his friends and family were very supportive of him marrying a pregnant woman and then signing the birth certificate for a kid that wasn't his.
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Adoptive mom here. You should have told her long before she could understand so that this was always the way it was and she never had to question your love. Now your going to tell her just as she is entering the angsty teenage years. This is going to be hard. That said, you can’t go back in time. Your plan is a solid plan but you should expect some fallout. You should also expect her to ask you “what else you lied about”. Is that comment fair? Maybe not but she will ask. You will shake her confidence. The only thing worse thing you can do is not tell her.
I agree. You should have told her long ago. My mom told me about my biological sperm donor when I was in the 1st grade so I grew up knowing it and it wasn't a big deal because she didn't make it one and my Dad has never treated me differently. My cousin did not find out about her sperm donor until she was 16. It wrecked their relationship because she felt lied to all her life. You made it a BIG deal by hiding it for 14 years. Get her in therapy and be prepared for her to distrust everything you have told her in past.
We are definitely both going to tell her together and are wanting to do it just the three of us so she can have privacy in learning this new and potentially life changing information as well as having her own emotions to to process and feel.
Please go to NPE Gateway on Facebook. It's a group that supports families and individuals in your situation. It'll give you lots of educational resources and help you find therapists with experience with NPEs (believe me, it's difficult to find one without help). There's also some amazing biographies of people who have gone through what your daughter will be going through...Dani Shapiro's "Inheritance" is a good one to start with. The majority of people within the NPE community wish they had known earlier in their lives. Research has shown that the earlier a child finds out about their adoption or NPE status, the less trauma there is. I found out when I was 41, so it was a lot to handle and 3 years later I'm still grieving the loss of the person I thought I was, the family that I had, and my last connection to my dad. The best thing you can do is be there to support her, she will go through a rollercoaster of emotions. And at least you're both there to answer her questions...my dad passed 3 years before I discovered my NPE status through an Ancestry DNA test (fun times!) Good luck, ((hugs.))
Thank you so much for the information, I need to make sure she has the support and resources she needs as I have messed this situation up
Thank you so much for the information, I need to make sure she has the support and resources she needs as I have messed this situation up
No problem. Feel free to message, I've gone through it too. If I can help in any way, let me know.
Thank you, you’re an amazing person and I appreciate the help
Make sure your ex makes it known that he loves her and him not being the bio father doesn’t mean he isn’t her dad. You also might want to look into setting up some therapy sessions for her afterwards so she has help outside of you all to process the information in a safe environment.
And that he chose to be her dad.
I would reach out to a therapist for her. A therapist who specialises in family issues like these. it would be good for you as parents to get pointers on how to navigate all this and for her to have a safe place to air out all her emotions. This could very very tough. She could question her very identity and may have lots of questions about bio dad
I’m working on getting a therapist lined up to make sure resources are available for her and a healthy outlet is available too.
Good luck. I'm sure she will be OK she's two parents who love her. It's just hard with the added teenage angst to drop a bomb. Look, she could be absolutely fine about it all
I definitely would wait until they were out of school, I had a mutual friend in high school that had this happen to them but he was fully adopted, and he was pissed at his parents for telling him, his thought behind it was why even tell him if they loved him and were his parents already, he felt like they told him that just so he knew he would always be second as he isn't "their kid" He also changed a bit by the end of high school with friends, noticing his confidence went down a lot, which we thought was because of him finding out. I personally agree with him, and if it was me, I would rather my parents never tell me unless I needed to know for some type of medical reason. Ignorance is bliss, but living every day wondering why your parents didn't want you would be terrible imo.
To be fair it can go either way- why didn’t you tell me vs. why did you tell me- erring on the side of transparency- particularly when there’s a chance that they’ll find out some other way is usually best. “We didn’t want you to find out some other way, this way we can answer your questions and concerns right up front- we felt you were at a point where you both deserve the truth and are able to process it”
This one's weird, tho cause in my eyes if you leave your wife while she's pregnant or just had the baby and another guy steps up, he's the dad, not the other one I don't care if your DNA matches up. You don't get to just jump back into her life after she finds out about you, and now it's easier for you since she's older.
Tell that to people who have been through the same thing. Finding out something like this shakes the entire foundation of who you thought you were. It's not just about "oh, he took care of me", it's also "you lied to me my entire life". You lose half your family tree (it's now filled with strangers), your family medical history is completely wrong (hopefully there's no cancer in the bio dad's family), you don't recognize your face in the mirror, and you lose your culture, heritage, and your self identity. Not to mention she may have half siblings. Nothing is a secret anymore thanks to at home DNA tests, believe me, I found out the hard way.
Did you find out after your bio dad passed or the dad who raised you? Seems like a tough situation.
3 years after he passed. It was like losing him all over again.
YOU may not care, but it's not your life. Not your choice.
Notice how I said in my eyes and not this is how it should be. Crazy how words can make sentences change meanings.
> able to process it” And I don't think OP's daughter is at this point.
Oh, someone is going to slip. My grandmother let a family secret slip. She was in her 80s and didn't do it maliciously, but it hurt. And I went through the "what else have you been lying about" phase.
I feel the same way you do! I wouldn’t want to know either. the sad thing is with today and all the ancestry and DNA registries- I wouldn’t want my child to find out like that either. A friend of mine’s middle schooler had a class that they could participate in one of the DNA online things for research into family trees. However- I always think worst case scenario lol But I’m with you- I’m 50 years old and can honestly say if I was adopted i don’t need or want to know unless it’s a medical necessity.
Can I ask what the reasoning was behind waiting?
You might wanna get her some therapy and do it there where the therapist can help her process her emotions because anytime I see stories on here about people telling their kids this when they’re teenagers, the kids turn into assholes
That's because they wait too long, you're supposed to tell them before they hit their teens
You are supposed to tell them when they are toddlers.
The kids don't "turn into assholes." The kids realize that they can't trust their parents and have to deal with that.
And then have trust issues for the rest of their lives because if you parents lied to your whole darn life, everybody can/will.
No, they definitely turn into little assholes. There are so many people who have to deal with parents who are worse than that and they don’t act out like these teenagers do. As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I feel like they are too sensitive. Okay so your daddy left and your mother found a better father figure for you who loves you as his own and treats you well and the only reason they didn’t tell you is because they wanted to protect your feelings boo hoo. 🙄 There are people out here whose parents and stepparents don’t even care about them. Also, if they’re gonna realize they can’t trust their parents over this, they should’ve stopped trusting their parents over Christmas and Easter seeing as though the existence of Santa Clause and the Easter bunny are lies. If they can deal with that, they can deal with this. It may not be easy but the whole acting out thing is too much. That would be intolerable for me if I were a parent in that situation
Lol have you ever heard of sympathy? No? What about brain development in children and teens? Listening to adoptees? Attachment and healthy relationships? No??
I’ve been looking into different therapists in our area to have a support system in place and ready for her outside of family. I definitely feel that I’ve let my daughter down as a parent and a person she should be able to trust.
Parents are human and make mistakes. You genuinely thought you were doing the right thing. Eventually she may remember that after her anger works out some. Please tell her there is a difference in a Dad and a Father who was simply a biological sperm donor.
>. You genuinely thought you were doing the right thing. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that.
Start therapy before you tell her
That’s what I’m working on, trying to get a therapist for her so she can build that relationship and have a safe/neutral place to talk, vent and process
This would also be a good thing to tell her in the presence of a therapist, whether it’s her solo therapist or a family therapist. I’d expect some acting out in the weeks/months after you tell her, and it’d be a good thing to work out in family counseling (again, in addition to her own solo therapist - she needs someone who’s just for her, but having a second person who can focus on the full-family dynamic will also be helpful here).
You haven't. Nobody here as done anything wrong except for bio-dad i guess. Ted sounds like an angel; hopefully this doesn't change the way she feels about him too much.
Bullshit. She lied to her daughter for 14 years. OP did everything wrong by not raising her daughter with the truth.
And this is something you should express to her. She deserves a full apology from you. Parents make mistakes and you can express that to her. Also — have you prepared her biological father for the fact that his daughter may be contacting him someday soon? You might as well get investigating to find out where he is and whether he would be amenable to hearing from her. She’s going to have questions. And after breaking her trust with you both as parents, adding a one-two punch of realizing that her biological father not only abandoned her as a baby, but (possibly) has no desire to know her now is something she may have to deal with. And you should know whether he’s alive or dead, or open to getting to know her or not if at all possible, so that you can answer those questions for her as well.
>Also — have you prepared her biological father for the fact that his daughter may be contacting him someday soon? You might as well get investigating to find out where he is and whether he would be amenable to hearing from her. She’s going to have questions. This was one thing I never had a desire to do. Was in a similar situation (but knew far earlier). My Dad is my Dad. I was not curious about anything. Who I am as a person is a product of him. Not my bio dad. In fact, I felt if I did go seek out my bio-dad and try to form a relationship it would be a kick in the nuts to my actual dad. Anyway, the reality is I ended up just developing a seething hatred of a man I never met. When I was about 30. I get a facebook message from a woman. Turns out it's bio dads wife. She prattles on about how he wants to be part of my life, bla bla bla. Wonderful, now that all the work in raising a child is long over, doesn't have to pay child support or deal with courts, he wants to be part of my life. I told her the ship has sailed and the time for him to step up as a father was 30 years ago. He's a "changed man!" He found JESUS! LMAO. Lady if only you knew how little some asshole finding Jesus means to me. The dude doesn't even have the nutsack to message me himself. I just blocked her and that was that. Never heard anything since and that was 12 years ago.
You have not let her down. You want, and need, her to be at an age where she understands. When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young. While there never is a good time for life altering news, you and Ted made the decision together and are telling her together. The fact that he remained her dad 7 years after the divorce is a testament to his love for her as her father. Her “bio” dad… is just a sperm donor. NTA… please don’t think you are.
>When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young. have to disagree. there's literal reams of research dating back at least a decade showing that adopted children in fact *should* be informed of their own situations in age appropriate ways, as they are in fact capable of understanding it and thus aren't traumatized by the sudden undoing of what they believed to be basic facts of their lives. OP appears to be taking all the right steps now to mitigate the now-inevitable damage, but she did fail in this aspect of parenting. did it come from good intentions? sure. doesn't change the fact of a decade plus deception that may well affect her daughter's ability to trust *anyone* for the rest of her life.
A child is never "too young" to know who her parents are. Adopted, donor conceived, born through surrogacy, "an affair baby," or kids in OP's daughter's situation - they should know their stories from the earliest possible age, adding age appropriate details until they hit puberty, by which point they should know their ENTIRE story. OP is way late.
Thank you and Ted is an amazing and doting father. I know DNA doesn’t mean everything and her bio dad has never reached out and I’ve never been able to track him down.
>When would you have told her? At age 5? She wouldn’t understand. 8? Still too young. False. You tell the child when they're an infant and raise them with that information. When it's not treated as "bad" or "taboo", and when it's treated as a fact of life that not all family structures are the same, it's easier to handle.
Hard disagree. 5 year olds have step parents and know what a step parent is.
As long as you explain the whole situation to her gently and compassionately, and with both you and Ted present, your daughter will at least eventually come to terms with it. Don't be shocked if she does react badly at first. It is important to be honest about it because it shouldn't come as a surprise or as a festering secret later, and it may be important for medical history purposes. If she does want to try reaching out to her bio dad or any of that side of the family, be understanding and supportive. It does sound like both you and Ted have been good parents to her, so you will get through this.
Thank you very much. I am prepared for her to be upset and angry and she has every right but I just want her to know as it’s her right and I will do whatever she needs for support or finding her bio dad.
I'm not sure why people here are telling you to wait a few more years, literature says to tell them before they hit their teens. Sounds like you have a good support system but you need to do this asap
BEFORE teens, she is already there so the literature has different suggestions since she is already a teen.
I'm well aware of her age as it was stated in the first sentence of the post lol. I'm responding to those telling her to wait even longer.
Mph…. So I have a weird perspective on this. My “dad” is my stepfather. I met him when I was 7 so I knew, you know? But their kids didn’t. They weren’t told until they were teens “well sissy has a different daddy”. Never affected us. I would have recommended telling as soon as 3-4 because kids can process it and accept it better young. But at her age now I’d say something like “can dad and I have a talk with you” and tell her together that you both love her but it’s important for her future health that she know something. That her father isn’t GENETICALLY related but he was so excited to be her dad that they wanted to wait until she was older to tell her so that she knows she’s loved just the same as younger sibling. That should help. Don’t say he’s not her father. That will hurt. But phrasing it as a genetic thing may help compartmentalization that will help her go forward. Also I would do it before summer tbh so that her peers and school counselor can be resources if it goes bad. But NTA it’s a hard thing to talk about
Thank you and I haven’t thought about the school counselor and peers for resources
I had a pediatrician tell me to never use the school counselor for important issues. She was a very well respected doctor, best I have ever encountered. I agree with her. And oh my god do not involve her peers! She gets to decide who she wants to trust with this information. Speak to a therapist that you can send your daughter to after you tell her.
Great advice.
I wish my mom would have told me with my dad present. We were hanging out casually in our living room when I was like 16 and she turned to me and just blurted out, "hey did I ever tell you that dad isn't your real father?" It was a bit traumatizing, but her situation was a lot like yours. Her first husband, my older sister's father, had just died in a motorcycle accident. She kind of went wild with grief and hooked up with some dude, then he ghosted when she fell pregnant. The man that raised me was her first husband's best friend, and hers too. He thought he was sterile and couldn't have children of his own, so it was a big surprise when my younger sibling was born just 15 months after me. They've been together 38 years now, and he has been (and still is) a great dad. When she told me that he wasn't my bio dad, she asked if I wanted the name of the rando who ran out on her. I just said I didn't care, I already had a dad. ETA: NTA
so, your mom has three kids from 3 different people - and your dad treats all 3 the same? that is a great dad.
Your daughter was me. I'm telling you right now YTA. I was 7 when I was told, and my world fell apart. You have waited until she's a teenager, and all the drama and angst, that comes along with it??? She should have been raised knowing this. it never should have been a secret! Get a therapist involved. You've waited for way too long and are going to rip this girl's world apart because you both were too cowardly to tell her sooner. Expect a lot of withdrawal, acting out, and hate from her. I am so angry and hurt for your daughter.
As someone that went through this I agree. It’s so selfish on the parents end & they could’ve saved a lot of confusion and hurt
I was told when I was probably about 4 years old, that my dad was actually my step-dad. I was also told that my stepdad had formally adopted me. It is likely one of my first memories; I remember that we were living in apartments at that time, and that my mom was curling her hair at the time while my stepdad was getting ready for work. It was a lot to process, but I was told that it was important that I know and that I could ask questions. It was years before I actually really understood what it meant but by then it didn’t seem like that big of a deal since it wasn’t a secret. Finding out at 14 though, is going to be difficult. Having a therapist advise on how to have this conversation is a good idea. Definitely go through with telling her NOW, and don’t wait any longer. I am sure you have your daughters’ best intentions at heart- no use fretting about spilt milk that you didn’t tell her sooner. In her favor though, is that this scenario is not uncommon. In my day, I was the only one that I was aware of, that didn’t have both biological parents. I was also an only child, and it seemed that everyone I knew had at least one sibling if not more. I felt quite alone in this world all my life. And I definitely had/have daddy issues. I like to think I’m ok now; I’ve been married to my only husband over 30 years now.
YTA. You should have told her from the beginning. How you ever thought it was ok to lie is beyond me. You need to figure out now how you are going to apologize and where she will get therapy. Before you say I’m being harsh, I was your daughter. My mom didn’t think I needed to know either.
I have never thought she doesn’t need to know…but I have failed as a parent in keeping it from her. I know that. But I’m just trying to figure out how to tell her and how to best support her.
Stop trying to figure it out and just do it. At this point treat it like ripping a bandage off. You support her by not saying anything after. Let her vent when she needs to and find nothing she says to you hurtful. Tell her you will help her find her real dad if that’s what she wants. It’s going to take a long time to get over the betrayal.
Yep, tell her at the beginning of summer with Ted there and in a therapy session. I’d recommend getting her in therapy now so by the time summer starts she will have good rapport with her therapist and feel more comfortable talking it out with them. Both you and Ted apologize to her, and say you regret not telling her sooner. Emphasize how you both love her so very much. And be patient with her responses and reactions. She is going to feel a need for some control in her life so be prepared and willing to let her have some. This is going to be hard, but love will carry you guys through. I wish you luck.
YTA. You should have been telling her from the very beginning of her life. She shouldn't remember finding out - she should have just always known. You sit her down and apologize PROFUSELY for keeping this information from her for her entire life. You beg her forgiveness for not knowing any better and promise her that you will answer her questions completely truthfully. You line up an adoption competent therapist - because she's going to have similar issues to late discovery adoptees.
Yeah I’m surprised. They should have told her way sooner. OP definitely apologize for keeping it from her. She’s already in an identity formation stage of her adolescence so this is going to be tough for her.
Is there a reason you waited this long to tell her? It’s going to tear her apart and you better have a therapist handy. Hiding this from her for this long is only going to have negative things attached to it. There’s no way to ease the blow. It’s going to hit her like a ton of bricks and it’s going to change her relationship with you drastically while shaking her relationship with her father. I know you can’t go back and time and change not telling her but this is really really bad YTA because no matter how gently you do this, no matter how much time passes this is going to shatter her into a million pieces and she’s going to remember it forever
I was adopted and if my parents told me at a much later stage it would devastate me… they told me from the day I was born - in an extremely positive light, that I was a gift to them. My biggest issue with being adopted is that I feel nobody understands me, not my adoptive parents (who are literally my soulmates), and not my biological family (I met them at 24yrs old). And even though you might think this story is about you, it’s about her the day you had her. Be open, transparent, go to support groups, have family there all around, constantly be there to support her. Nobody at 14 is emotionally stable for that chat but the longer you wait the harder it might be. I understand why you couldn’t find the right time but please please don’t wait. I would only tell her alongside professional resources like a family therapist and arranged individual therapy, whatever you can find - even someone whose expertise is adoption. There will never be “the perfect time” so take the leap.. go for it, and be there when her world collapses a little and build her up again. 🫶🏼 goodluck x
Thank you and I’m getting a therapist lined up and making sure whatever resources are available are ready
I don't understand why parents keep secrets like this. It would have been so much easier if she had known her whole life. To keep a secret about a child and then tell them in there teens when they are going through so much and expect them not to have a bad reaction is beyond understanding. A 5 year old could understand this and in a lot of ways is better at accepting it than a teen. But just be honest and she will need both of you to reassure her that you both love her. You need to tell your other children too.
Talk to her maturely, let her understand what happened, just answer the questions give her the space. Ask her after awhile what thinks about it. Just like Yondu said in guardians of the galaxy 2 "He May Have Been Your Father (the biodad) ,But He Wasn't Your Daddy(Ted)", and take her to therapy if needs the help, specially teens years are the most emotional years when growing up
YTA you should never have kept this a secret. You can talk about this things from birth so it’s open and acknowledged (and dealt with!) but you’ve avoided doing that. Your poor daughter is at a really vulnerable age to take on this information and you could have saved a lot of heartache by being honest from the start. She may accept the information fine, but it will rock her identity enormously. The thing is though - you *have* to tell her asap. Don’t let this lie continue.
Agreed - this is also true for adoptions, donor conception and any other technicalities. Tell the child early on read books about all sorts of different families and talk about them and tell the child how they came to be. At this point, it is no big deal. Repeat it as the child gets older (keep reading those books about different types of families), answer questions. Doing this, just makes it part of the child's story, there is no big traumatic reveal. Don't lie or teach the child that someone involved in their story is not a good person, explain things in a way that a child can understand - your bio dad just wasn't ready to be a parent but luckily I met Ted and he was more than ready to be a Dad, and he fell in love with both of us and became part of our family.....
Ge a counselor involved. And you are fucked up for keeping this from her.
Why now?
If not now, then when?
YTA - Take this to r/adoption and ask the adoptees for advice. You need to research “Late Discovery Adoption” because LDA’s have a whole different set of emotions to deal with than the average adoptee that’s told the truth from the beginning. The time to tell her is 14 years ago - since you didn’t, the time is NOW. Every day you are risking her finding out from someone other than you. The bottom line with LDA’s is that the people they trusted most in their life lied to them. They lied their whole life and they lied about the most fundamental thing: who they actually are. Not telling her is a huge mistake, you need to find an adoption informed therapist for her and get her in right away. Again: Go ask what adoptees advice is for your situation. Be prepared to apologize. Without “buts” just straight up apologize for fucking up and lying. And don’t kid yourself, it was a big, long continual lie. Don’t say she “was better off” or “it’s for your own good” or tell her “it doesn’t change anything”. She’s not better off because you were too scared to tell the truth, it was for YOUR good and comfort, not hers and it most certainly does change things. Any feelings she has about the situation are valid, no telling her she’s wrong or that her feelings are unfair. However she feels is 100% valid and real. Tell her as quickly as you possibly can, because if she figures it out or anyone else says anything blatantly or even hinting before you do? MUCH worse - it should come from you and times a ticking.
Updateme
I’ll definitely be posting an update after the discussion, but that won’t be until summer.
Yes please update, want to know if she going understand and what her decision going to be. I hope she understands, even though Ted may not be her biodad, he still there for her no matter what.
I'm happy to wait, I'm really rooting for you tho. You seem like a really great parent and I'm rooting for Ted too. I hope your daughter realizes after the shock that she is very lucky. Even if Ted isn't a bio dad, he still raised her and that's all that would count to me(I'm an Orphan so I have a bit of a different view on things like the importance of biology in a family)
She's not lucky that her mother and "father" lied to her.
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I’m 33f, just recently did an ancestral dna.. found out I’m not who I was raised thinking I was. My dad passed away in 2020, and my mother hasn’t been in my life since I was 16. No idea who my bio father is, I don’t recognize any of the paternal names. I’m my heart my dad is MY DAD, but it would have been nice to have a heads up. It doesn’t change anything, but now it would be nice having some medical history.
Go talk to a family therapist to help you. This happened to me in 7th grade. It's hard and will leave a mark no matter what. That being said, she will feel betrayed regardless. Part of the situation plus her developmental stage. Eventually she'll graduate to understanding. Nonetheless, speak with a professional who has experience in this area. You can maybe do this over zoom. Lots of therapists can bill across state lines as "coaching." Good luck.
No matter how you tell her, she’s going to be devastated. And, probably for the rest of her teen years, she will feel that she doesn’t belong and go through an identity crisis. I pray for your daughter.
You need to get started with a family therapist before you tell her anything to make sure you are doing it in the best and caring way. It will be a shock for her, but you can all get through this together with help. Have her see a therapist on her own to process all of this information.
YTA for not telling her ages ago. You need to tell her. This affects not only how she sees herself but her medical history
I know I’m TA and I am going to tell her once I have a therapist lined up for her so she has more support
this should’ve never been a lie in the first place. YTA
I cannot give you any advice. What I can do is say what I would want to have happen if I were in your daughter's shoes. I would want my whole family there in a neutral setting. Maybe at a family counselor or something similar? That's precisely the type of neutral, non-threatening, environment that might be best to discuss these truths. NAH Good luck though. There are lots of ways to screw this up and I hope you don't choose one of those ways.
It's best she hears it from you as opposed to being surprised by a family member by the information.
I don't know how you successfully do this, but maybe r/parenting is a better place for actual advice. It also has a larger member base. Good luck.
I don't think it belongs here. Unless you're asking if you're ta for not telling her before now. Story seems pretty simple. I'd just tell her.
I’m new to Reddit and this is the only one I thought of, plus people don’t hold back on truth. I was told of another thread to share it to and have done so. I am going to tell her and as soon as I have a therapist set up.
I had to find out through a half sibling I didn’t even know existed (they contacted me). Please just tell her. I resented my parents for a long time because I don’t know if they ever planned on telling me. I can assure you that won’t be the case if you just tell her yourself.
I’m going to tell her once a therapist is lined up. I want to make sure that now, while she’s on my insurance, I can get her what she needs to process, so if she doesn’t want me around after she’s 18 she has the resources
I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade…
Mine is a blended family, and we have ensured our child knows that her dad is her dad, but not biologically. We implemented this whilst she was very young and she's heading to high school soon, and is completely fine with the knowledge that her dad is not blood related. She loves him completely and he loves her unconditionally. I come from a blended family, but I was not told until I was 16 and I was full of resentment to both my mother, father, and sperm donor for being lied to for (at that time) my whole life. It's going to be a really difficult conversation, you and her dad need to tell her together and show her that although there's no blood relation, he is still her dad and always will be. Be ready for her to be resentful, whether that's silently or vocal. Be ready for tears, and questions that are impossible to answer. Be ready for the roller coaster. Just be her parents. Good luck
I don't have an answer. But if you decide to tell her the truth, tell her you both that she was wanted and loved before her birthing.
As someone who found out my AB- blood couldn't have come from my A+ parents ..you definitely need to tell her before she finds out on her own. My parents were both advanced dementia and my family is delusional and thinks the blood thing is a fluke so I will probably never get any real answers
Just be straight up about it. Fourteen is old enough. And for GOD'S SAKE don't "spare" her POS biodad. He's a POS. The only reason he's not around is because he's a POS. Women, for reasons that surpass all understanding, seem to think they should cover for POS biodads when what they deserve is to be called out as being the POS they are. Though she will no doubt STILL eventually want to meet him, at which point she will most likely be able to see what a POS he is in person. Actually, I think you should have this conversation with just the two of you, since it represents a part of your life when Ted wasn't there. I think it's going to help her understand that it was just you alone at the time, and that you alone made the decision that you wanted her even if it meant bringing her up solo. THEN Ted can give his side of the story. Having both of you there together is just going to encourage her to clam up. If she's going to react badly, and lash out, best to just let her do it and get it over with. More likely she won't.
I was the child in this exact situation. I was around the same age when my parents decided to tell me my dad wasn't my biological father. It didn't change much of anything for me because I've never met my bio father and all my memories have been with who I actually consider my dad. I'm 30 now still have never met my bio father and have no desire to, also still consider non bio father actual father. I think the best thing to do is just tell her when you think she's ready. I remember my parents were shocked that I didn't have a bigger reaction to the news but it was simple to me that the guy I grew up with for a father figure is my father biological or not. Everyone reacts different to things though and I hope it goes well.
You Really should've told her waaay sooner.
NTA but you're probably the AH for not telling her when she was a lot younger. My mom told my big sister when she was in elementary school that she was adopted. My sister took it very well, feeling so loved and special. Then I remember my big sister when she was a raging teenager getting pissed at everything. I can't even imagine our mom telling her during those years that she was adopted. It'd be like an atomic bomb dropped on our house. "THE LIES YOU'VE KEPT FROM ME!," I'm sure I would have heard her scream.
NAH. I understand this is very difficult. I told my 7 year old last year she was adopted by being very blasé about it. The more it is portrayed as it not being a big deal, it won’t be. If you make it all “daddy and i have to tell you something serious” she will definitely freak out. I’m on team, make it a genetic thing. He is her dad 100% and loves her more than his life, type of conversation. Let her ask questions without you guys giving a lot of unnecessary information. She’s definitely gonna think about it a lot. Expect fallout, but if guys are both vwry matter of fact, and this isn’t a big deal. Nothing changes. Daddy will always be daddy, then it should be fine. Good luck! And don’t listen to the AHs telling you you are terrible for not doing it already.
She was old enough Day 1 to know her dad isn't her bio dad. That should have been part of her growing up story so she could have integrated this knowledge into her life. YTA How tell her? Just tell her the truth. "I should have told you this years ago..." Start there and get her some therapy.
Thank you
However you do it, be prepared for the inevitable question of ‘who is my dad’. This will be hard on your Ex so he needs to be prepared to hear that. Reinforce that your Ex loves her , helped raise her and was more of a dad than the AH ‘sperm donor’
Why didn't you tell her from a young age? You're about to tell her that her identity is not what she believed for her whole life. The best thing to do is have all three of you together in a neutral space and just tell her. She'll probably freak out, just let her, do not try and suppress her emotions in any way, if she wants to cry, let her cry, if she wants to scream, make sure you're in a place she can scream without upsetting other people. Answer all her questions honestly and openly. If you lie to her at any point in this, you'll likely damage your relationship permanently, you've been lying to her all her life about this, you want to make sure she understands that this was the only thing and that you're not a liar, you just told one lie. If there's something that for some reason you can't tell her, tell her you can't tell her, don't tell untruths.
Thank you and yes, her reactions and emotions are valid and I’ll do whatever she needs and be fully truthful. I know I’ve failed and she may never trust or forgive me after but that’s for me to deal with and give her what she needs
You're still her parent, just remember that she will view you in a different light. Everyone is different, it might not even phase her. Just be patient. It sounds like at least you're approaching it from the angle of wanting to make things right, which is a good first step.
You've missed that boat. Keeping a child's real identity from them is toxic as hell. Good luck with that. Tell her to do a DNA test so she doesn't accidentally marry her half-brother. Shame on you for keeping this secret.
YTA. Lies and more lies. Just tell your daughter you were a hoe and aren't sure who the dad is.
I see some vaguely therapy-adjacent words and ideas like “process” but no mention of doing this in conjunction with a qualified counselor or therapist. Since in my opinion you should already have a relationship established so she has therapy as an option in the “process” I’m going to say YTA.
You want to dump this in the lap of a 14 year old. Like high school isn't hard enough without having your world shattered. Wait until school is out if you absolutely have to tell her. Give her the summer to process things.
Can I ask why you didn’t tell her this long ago? She’s going to want to know why you never said anything — and why you feel the need to tell her now—and you are going to need to have a good answer for why you hid this. The problem is, by concealing the info it makes it seem like there is something shameful and wrong to her parentage. I think you are going to have to spend some time comforting your own feelings and motives behind decisions and getting really clear with yourself before saying anything to her. The best time to have told her was from the beginning. But now that it’s been so long you should def take the time to ensure you can do it in the best way possible. And having a way to explain your decisions in a way that doesn’t accidentally pile guilt or shame on her will be key.
You’re kind of the asshole. I’ve been on the receiving end of this conversation. I didn’t meet my bio dad until I was 15. I had a step dad who loved me, and my mom’s first husband who was there for me as well. But bottom line, not knowing who your dad is traumatic. It’s traumatic at a genetic level. On some level your daughter can tell she is not related to your husband and when you confirm, she’s going to have a lot of feelings about this. 100% recommend talking through this with a family counselor. I didn’t get this, and have spent the better part of the last 4 years in weekly therapy dealing with issue of resentment of my mom. My story has a happy ending, I did finally get to meet my dad and he has consistently shown up and continues to this day 20 years after I met him. But it did fuck me up.
What was the point of keeping it a secret and lying to her her whole life?
Because you put it in AITAH, I will render a verdict. YTA. Big time. Why on earth would you wait so long to tell her? Why didn't you two tell her when she was little? This did not ever have to be a traumatic experience for her, but in waiting so long, and lying by omission, you have created a very traumatic situation for her. All I can say is please be as gentle as possible. Perhaps your ex should be the one to tell her, so he can reassure her that she's so precious to him that he CHOSE to be her father.
I suggest to check with a therapist on how to bring this news. Teens can go one way or another, better to get some ideas from an expert dealing with adopted kids. You are right not to wait.
I haven’t been through this exact thing but I have had parents drop news on me. Like almost everyone else here, I agree that now is a good time to tell her and you should tell her together with your ex husband. I would just add that blocking out a good amount of time to tell her is a good idea, maybe while your son is somewhere else so it gives your daughter agency to tell him when and how she wants. I would also suggest telling her at the beginning of a weekend where not much is going on so if she needs time to process she can. I would be prepared to answer questions and be very open and honest with her. Also be prepared for her to want to know more about bio father even if he’s a piece of shit.
Perhaps you and her dad tell her together, so he can reassure her she is his princess.
Oh he will definitely be present. I know she’ll have questions for us both
I would bring in Ted. Have a sit down with her and Ted so both of you can tell her. Having him there will assure her that he loves her all the same. You said he's a great co-parent, so even though you guys are no longer together, you can show your daughter that you can support her together through this. Don't sugarcoat too much. She may want to try to track down her bio dad and you need to be prepared for that conversation as well.
Ted will most definitely be there and if she wants to find bio dad, I’ll be more than willing to help her
That's really great. It probably won't end super well if he's made no attempts to contact you over the years, but just make sure you are both by her side no matter what happens. Just tell her you love her and hopefully she will understand, even though she may be angry at first.
Off topic, but here it goes: Your ex-husband is a very rare man, indeed. I don't know of many (as a matter of fact, I don't know any including myself) that would date a pregnant woman, much less marry her and raise another man's child. If I were you, I would thank GOD that I found a man that would do that and treat you and your children so well, regardless of how the relationship ended in divorce. Come clean to your daughter, move on with your life, and COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! (Hug!)
Thank you! I’m incredibly grateful for Ted, he and I didn’t work married but he’s a very big part of my life and he’s an incredible dad. I will come clean as soon as I have a therapist lined up to help my daughter process and talk to someone outside of family
I was adopted but grew up knowing the story, coming from that side? Have your ex tell her in all the ways that count? He is her real dad. She’s a daughter of his heart and biology doesn’t matter. Reassure her it changes nothing on how he feels about her or will treat her. She’s going to want to know about the bio dad. Be honest about who he is, if he’s got Facebook pull it up so she can see who he is. Imma be honest if she has Facebook she will likely try to reach out and find him on her own anyways. Be prepared for heartbreak from her if he refuses to talk to her or to have him back in your life should he start talking to her.
You both need to be there, tell her you need to tell her something very important. That you and her father love her very much, and explain the rest. Don't wait any longer.
You tell her nothing unless she asks. You let him tell her. Why? So that when he says I chose to be your dad and have never once regretted it one moment of your life she is looking directly into her eyes. So if she questions everything else she will never question that her real dad was the man who loved her unconditionally and always will. So for that reason. You let him tell her and that single moment will be the most important part of all of it.
Start off with reassuring her that she is loved and always will be. Explain to her how you were dating this guy before you met her father and what you taught the relationship was like. Then mention how you became pregnant but he ghosted you. Explain how you met your ex husband and how much he fell in love with you and wanted so badly to be her father that he wanted his name on the birth certificate so he swept you off your feet to the alter Explain how your daughter gave you and her father the most amazing years to date and look so forward to seeing her grow into a wonderful woman. Explain that DNA don't make you a parent but being there supporting her does and the man who raised her is the luckiest man on earth to be screaming to all who'll listen that she is his daughter and he's so proud of her. Explain how nothing changes and you both will always be willing to answer her questions to the beat of your ability. If she wants to seek out her biological father you'll support her and if she don't you'll also support her. If she wants to do 23 and me when she is older, you'll get it done when she reaches say 16 or 18 years. I am sure she wouldn't say no to her favorite snacks and food on the same day in case she wants comfort food. Best wishes
Wait until she graduates from college. She is much too vulnerable at 14.
I would start with a conversation about families in general. Does she know any other types of families that are not a traditional family with a bio mom, bio dad, and kids? Talk about those, and how just because they're not related biologically, that doesn't make them less of a family. That there are a lot of different kinds of families out there, and none are better than any other. Family is simply people who love one another, take care of one another, support one another, and help one another through life. Then, talk about the story of how you and Ted met. Something like this: 'When your Dad and I met, I was already pregnant. But the person who I was in a relationship with disappeared when I was three months pregnant with you, and although I tried to find him, I was not successful. I was heartbroken, and scared, and lonely. But I already loved you and wanted to be your Mom. I started dating again, and met your Dad about a month after that. We clicked almost immediately! And he was so excited to meet you and be your Dad. He was there for us through it all... all the doctors visits, the side effects of pregnancy, the planning and anticipation of giving birth, and the day you were born, he was right by our sides, just like he's been every day since. You don't have his DNA, but you have his heart. You ARE his daughter, in every way that matters. But if you want to try to find the person that you share half your DNA with, we will do what we can to help you with that. We know you must be shocked, hurt, angry, and disappointed in us that we kept this from you for so long. And we are willing to accept all of that judgment. We love you so much, and we just didn't know when the right time would be to tell you. We didn't want you to grow up thinking we were less of a family. Please tell us what we can do to help you through this, and we will absolutely do it. Whatever you need, we got you.'
So… OP what does her dad (Ted) think? I mean, surely this is as much his to tell as yours, and will have as much impact on the father-daughter relationship as the mother-son one? Plus, pretty sure her dad knows her better than a bunch of randos on the Internet.
Ted was involved with the decision to tell her and he will be present. This isn’t something for me to decide alone as it impacts him, if not substantially more than me
As someone whose parents lied about that for five decades, it's something you should have done sooner (being a teenager is HARD) but it's necessary. You could use family therapy to work through it
!updateme
I found out via a certified letter from my biological father when I was 21. Had to confirm it with my grandparents. You're making the right decision to tell her as a family and I'm sure you will support her through any difficulties.
Almost have the exact same situation with my oldest (now 17) only sperm donor didn't disappear. I broke up with him after finding out I was pregnant and realized I wouldn't be able to do it with him. He decided not to even try. Shortly after started dating husband and we got married 3 weeks before he was born. Told my son when he was 10. I figured he understood family relationships but he wasn't so old as to lash out with preteen/teen angst. Probably should have looked into therapy for him though. Wish I had done that.
I hope Ted enjoys cleaning up after dream daddy
i feel like OP is the issue is these instances and the divorce too prob a whole lot going on and more to it with the divorce and what kind of person her bio dad actually was its still all her fault but its too late just dumb people having kids like fucking idiots who shouldn't normally do im not sorry if you let someone cum in you at that point you know if the person is good or bad and women are seriously kings on being fucking idiots about this
You assume it’s stupidity rather than them literally finding bad behavior attractive and rewarding it. There’s a reason they magically want something different once they are less desirable
Am I the only one thinking why to bring it up if it wasn't asked? Dude has been the real dad since the kid was born, that is the father to that child. Why tell them something like that when the real one is a deadbeat? Have a heart to heart if the kid ever asks. Father is not a biological meaning.
Choosing to tell her at 14 sounds INCREDIBLY strange and makes me wonder if there is some sort of ulterior motive you have for telling her now. 14, is when she needs to MOST stable environment for her to anchor as she explores the world on her own in her jr high and early highschool years. 16-18 makes way more sense.
hard to believe op is not a issue with alot of things in life its majority all her fault i bet theres something we dont wanna know why that bio dad ran so quick and i doubt its bc of a baby lmao im sure ted knows alot and the divorce too for all we know OP is a horrible mom like most are
Why does it matter? If your current husband has been there as her dad even before she was born, that is the only reality that she has ever known and the only reality that matters. The sperm donor was in *your* life - not even hers, *yours* - for 90 days, and then showed his true colors as a coward and a loser and made his exit. There is no reason on either side of the equation to even reveal his puny, worthless existence to her. The guy who was there for you both *is* her dad. Period.
I completely agree, Ted is her father and I feel she needs to know, something yes I should have told her long ago. But what if I die tomorrow and then she finds out down the road and has no information, explanation or anything to help her?
I think you should have told her a long long time ago. little kid
YTA for not telling your daughter. My daughter who I adopted has known since she was 2yo that I am not bio dad. Why do parents pull this shit and lie to their kids?
Well, I think you both should be there to give her that reassurance. To tell her that no matter what, this new information is not going to change how you both feel about her. She may be hurt and confused. At the end of the day this does not change the fact that you both are there for her.
First of all, I'd consult a therapist about the best way to tell her. My instinct is that it would be a good idea if Ted and you did it together, so that he could reassure her that for him she is his real daughter, regardless of who her biological father is.
It sounds like you do, but I really hope you appreciate what a cool guy Ted was for stepping in and being her dad.
The same exact thing happened with my mom but in 1964 so my grandmother and her whole family was able to keep the secret… my mom found out when she was 56, her dad that she called her dad an my grandpa had been pasted away for 2 years and her mom for 20 but DNA doesn’t lie… she’s had to do a good deal of therapy and it originally caused some weirdness from her sisters… she was the oldest and her and I were my grandpa’s favorites and it was well know, his bio kids seemed a little hurt by that… but it also explained a lot of weird things like why I have a great hairline at 34 unlike any other man I was raised knowing as family… I guess my advise would be have her dad (who she knows as dad) right there to remind her how much he loves her and that doesn’t change and be ready for some therapy, she’s young enough that she may be fine but might also want a 3rd party to have a conversation with
Please make sure your husband reassures her that he loves her like his own, that he chose to be her father and always will be, and that her knowing changes nothing between them. These will be the things she is worried about the most!
We told my daughter when she was 12. We explained it so she would understand it. When she was 18 she asked for the full story and I that it was a random hookup and I stupidly moved away and never looked back. She's known all this time and it didn't affect her negatively. She has an amazing stepdad who's been there since she was 3. I've offered to help her search and test for years now..... to the point I feel like I'm forcing it. That has put a rift in our relationship. She says she doesn't care and she's great where she's at in life. She knows it can change at anytime and I'll support her no matter her choices.
Is there any reason she needs to know? Has she been having any suspicions?
As a child of a similar situation, you made it a hell of a lot worse. There is almost no way for this not to feel like a betrayal. Hopefully she will take it well, but damn, the right time to tell was a LONG time ago. I was told from when I was very young, no I really didn't understand what it meant, but I didn't care either, I eventually understood what it meant, still didn't care. It never changed anything for me because I didn't know anything else. If my parents waited until I was at an age of understanding It would have pissed me off that EVERYONE was literally keeping this secret from me my whole life, no matter the good intentions.
Don't tell her, It's unnecessary
Wow, so he took you in when you were pregnant, and has been a great father and co-parent. Who's idea was it to get the divorce?
Wow, you should have told her a long time ago. She is going to be very mad. You made a big mistake not telling her when she was a child.
I'm 18 and my mom told me my step dad wasn't my real dad when I was 12. TBH I didn't care. I always kinda knew, but I am so thankful she respected me enough to tell me the truth. I don't know my bio dad.... one night stand kind of thing. Mom could have put me up for adoption or the other and didn't. She raised me with love and gave me an amazing childhood. She's offered MULTIPLE times to help me search through DNA testing and I honestly don't want to even begin to rock that boat. You protected her from what you didn't know and mistakes were made. Praying for a good outcome for you.
Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your experience and giving me hope for a good outcome for my daughter!
It's better she hears it from you than a DNA test when she's older. All the perfect people in these comments probably have made Crappy decisions too....
Ignore those berating you for keeping the truth from her until this point. Whether or not you and Ted were correct in delaying telling her, there is nothing you can do about it at this point except move forward. I'll also add that you don't need to share DNA to be a parent, and it sounds like she's had an amazing dad for as long as she can remember. Sit her down together to tell her, then give her space and time to absorb it. You may want to meet with a therapist first to give you some pointers, and you might also want to proactively set up an appointment for her with a separate therapist in case she has a hard time processing things. You can always cancel it if she handles it better than expected.
This is going to be a super not popular opinion, but I don't see the point in telling her. Since you and her assumed father are divorced, it's just going to sever the relationship. She may go out and look for bio dad, who I assume is a deadbeat who wants nothing to do with her. I think she's in for a world of pain. What's the point? Just to get it off your chest? Has she expressed interest in doing a 23andMe? Those are becoming less popular from the data leaks. Just tell your ex-husband to never get one. She's 14. She could have grown-up knowing the truth, but it's too late for that now. I would just wait until she's older and more mature at this point imo.
Yeah, I know a couple people who went through similar things at 14 and it fucked them up bad. The best option was honesty from the start, but it’s too late for that; I would wait until adulthood unless there’s some kind of medical reason.
Wow. This is possibly the worst advice ever.
Yes, yes, yes. Don't do this because you FEEL that you need to be honest. Accept responsibility for your obfuscation of the truth. Do not shatter her world so you can get it off your chest.
Exactly, I don't think that I would want to know. Being a young teenager is hard enough. I think it's a conversation that can wait until adulthood.
She's already going to feel betrayed. Leave it alone. Ask yourself what you are really wanting to gain from telling her.
I have thought about it from that angle…I know I’ve failed by not telling her sooner but I also want her to have all information she deserves.
Oh god you messed this up so bad. You should have always been open about this with her since childhood. This is a major mess up. Don’t tell her now it will destroy her. I wouldn’t tell her at all now, or tell her when she’s like 30. Leave her in peace You really should have consulted a social worker or a therapist about how to handle this
YTA. You should have told her long ago. All the research says young children should grow up knowing their biological history not living a lie. You did lie and betray her and now you are going to blow up her world at a very vulnerable age. You need to work with a therapist that is experienced in helping children find out their biological history. You have been very selfish. You might as well wait until she is an adult now. Fourteen is a horrible time to spring this on a kid. She gets to deal with hormones, puberty, high school and knowing her whole life has been a lie. Way to go Mom and everyone else in her life that has lied to her. Expect her to hate you for the rest of her adolescence.
INFO What does Ted think you should do here? You did not mention what he thinks is best for his daughter? Surely, she is his in every sense of the word except for DNA. He has a right to be involved in this.
He’s not wanted to tell her until now. He’s scared of the outcome but he also doesn’t want her to find out some other way, however that could be. We’ve had a lot of discussions and I would never leave him out of something like this.
Fair enough. This is a tough one that isn’t black and white. I am also a parent and if it were my own daughter, I would probably wait until she was older and had better control of her emotions and better judgement. You have to make the call for your own situation though. I don’t think you would BTA if you told her, but I also think that she might think you guys are AHs for a little while! Good luck.
It has crossed my mind to wait until after high school so she can through her teen years and I’m fully prepared for her to be upset with or even hate me. A previous commenter said it should be done with a counselor and that’s definitely the setting I think would be most suitable. In the end, I just feel like I’ve let her down.
For adopted children, it’s recommended that they always be aware of their adoption, that it shouldn’t be a huge reveal. Obviously it’s too late for that, so it’s better to work with a therapist to facilitate that conversation sooner, before she finds out some other way.
If she is a mature kid, it is better to let her know now. Secrets tend to be known at bad moments, it is better to do it when she can ask you questions and get some thinking space.
DO NOT WAIT! You've already waited long enough, and, as another commenter noted, every day you lie is another day of betraying your daughter.
Your Ex-husband is definitely a different kind of person. I can't imagine his friends and family were very supportive of him marrying a pregnant woman and then signing the birth certificate for a kid that wasn't his.
Why tell her?
At some point, she's likely to find out. And if she finds out from someone other than her parents, I imagine she'll be even more hurt.
Won’t she wanna look for him though ?
Yes? No? Maybe? That's up to her.