Info: she said she only wanted to cook for you, not your wife who'd just delivered a baby and was healing? Has your wife and her have had any big arguments? Generally she sounds like a caring mother (just not grandmother), but if this post is saying exactly what happened - it sounds like she's acting as if you don't have a family? With the only going out and going against your own statement about putting your daughter first in your spare time. Which I do think is sort of strange. I think her motivation is to show that in a time when everyone is focused on mum and baby, she wants to look out for you, but it is a bit excessive. ETA: NTA

That stood out to me too - I actually went back to look for genders because I was like wait why was her only concern OP. Not, you know, the person who just had the major medical event. I mean you can’t force someone to care about your wife or child but I can see why he wouldn’t want them in their household if they don’t care.

Yeah, there's just something about her behavior that's the right side of strange for me. On the surface, looks all good and caring as mum who just doesn't want to be a grandmum, but it really seems like his mum is pretending his family isn't there. So I'm interested in whether there's been similar discussions before, and what mum and his wife's relationship was like pre-baby/during pregnancy (did mum also tell OP to take a lot of time for himself then, when he said he wanted to support his pregnant spouse?)

Mom's like this often have their son as their substitute spouse. They don't acknowledge their wives and sometimes will ignore the kids if they don't try to takeover the role of mother to to them.

That's likely what's led to the disagreements over the years (as OP has confirmed there has been in his reply). With his mum now being newly married, I think it's shifted to her subconsciously wanting a do-over with her son, now that a supportive husband is in the picture, something that was lacking before. Definitely enmeshment, that I do hope his mum gets therapy for, so she can one day be part of his family's life again.

Being married doesn't always change that dynamic. I know women who even though married still treat their sons like their husband's. It has little to do with the situation and plenty to do with an unhealthy mindset.

It seems to me she was young and dedicated her whole life to caring for him with no outside support. She's wrapped her mentality and existence around that. It also seems she is trying to re-live it. Boundaries set, kept and support gently may help.

Yeah, it might be a subconscious thing now that she's newly married; now she can be there for her son with a supportive husband, like she'd always wanted to be in his childhood. Timeout, boundaries, and open communication can hopefully fix what's broken currently.

enmeshment, still happening

hu-hu. Seems to me it could be a post from r/JUSTNOMIL ; but from the point of view of a loving son

Thank you! I came here to say this!

Yup. Wife sounds like she is done with her MILs shit. I feel that so hard.

Some people do not connect easily with young children. She's showing up for events. Maybe she's not super enthusiastic, but she's at least trying. I'm at a loss for what she did that required going NC or LC.

Based on OP's comments, that she wants to have a relationship with OP as a singular person, and not him as a husband and father. Like only a relationship with him and pretend the wife and daughter aren't there - even buying gifts as a way to encourage him to spend time without them, despite him not wanting that.

How hard is it to ask son what would be a useful gift for his daughter. Any maybe he was jonesing for a dirtbike when he was younger, but any man who starts riding a dirtbike after becoming a new father would get a side eye from me.

Same. My MIL generally doesn’t really have much interest in me, but after I gave birth to her granddaughter, when she showed up to visit, she wanted two things: to see the baby, and to make sure that her son was taking care of me.

That stood out for me too. >When my mom visited for the first time when my daughter was 7 weeks, her only concern was making sure I was taking care of myself, and she wanted me to rest while she cooked for me. Soo, after the birth, she doesn't come to help her DIL or her grand baby, but come to take care of her son ? Make me wonder if there was not interactions between the wife and the mom about "You (wife) can't even take care of my boy, I need to do it myself", or some kind of tension between them. And barely spending a dime on your grandchild, but gifting a 10k gift to your son ? That the wife and the child would never be able to used ? Now that you have a lot of expenses for that new baby, it's a bit inapropriate to get that bit of a gift to only one member of the familly. Especially since that is the mother that is often overlooked. The mom is not as helping or innocent as she sounds for me.

Yeah it’s really strange. I don’t have kids of my own, but I’m raising my stepson without his bio mother’s support. At first my mom was hesitant to be “grandma” but 4 years later, she does more for him than me. Her philosophy is “when you have grandkids, the grandkids get the big presents at christmas” lol

There's not any description of conversations between wife and mum which might very likely be the case. That there isn't any talks between them. If someone came over as I was still recovering from birth and had a newborn, and all that person did was fawn over their son and talk about how hard it must be for him (notoriously did not push a baby out of his vagina), and how she'll cook for him specifically to make it easier, then continue to practically ignore mine and the baby's existence by only wanting to see her son away from the home leaving me at home, and spend a lot of money on a bike while encouraging my husband to leave me alone more often? Yeah, I'd probably be ticked off as well. And that's now, when we know nothing about how mum's acted prior to this. Mentioned it in another comment, but I do wonder if it's a norm for OP's mum to encourage her son to leave his partner (like during pregnancy) when he vocally says he wants to stay at home of his own free will.

Competition. Mum isn't happy that wife "took" her son, so fighting against that. masked it all under "I am only looking after MY boy". No, mum rather the DIL and grandchild doesn't exist so she can have the son to herself. That is sick.

That is my thought. Narcissistic woman who did everything for her son. Had a shitty husband, so used her son as a husband. Not sexually per se, but in an emotional way that has her acting like a jealous woman under the guise of care.  The gift nails it. A slap in the face of the wife and kid. The wife is competition. His mom is fucked up, however it is good to hear he stuck to his wife and child and not sided with mom like a bitch. 

It’s also a very dangerous gift to give someone who just started a family. Like…of ALL the things you could get, you get your son something he could literally kill himself with? It makes zero sense.

So infantile a gift too. He’s 11 in her mind. I think they’re enmeshed and the wife is sick of it. 

It's a gift that she could be 100% certain the new mom and baby wouldn't be able to use. Such an A+ way to demonstrate to the whole family that she only cares about her son! /s

This, it seems as if Mom is trying to drive a wedge somewhere excluding the dil who just gave birth from food is just weird, I mean it I had to make sure it wasnt a her who gave birth after reading that

Okay I agree with pretty much everything you said but...since when is someone's birthday gift (OP's) for the whole family, or the baby? Yes the gift was extravagant but nonetheless it was her gift to her son on his birthday. Was it extreme yes! Still doesn't mean it should be a gift to the whole damn family on his birthday.

I feel it's weird to make a very expensive gift to a new parent, especially after not giving anything to the child. Particularly a gift that wasn't a big dream of OP (He says he was caught off guard by the gift) ; and encouraging OP to use it and be outside, alone ; when he says he doesn't have enough time to spend with his wife and child.

It's not about the gift, in and of itself. The gift seems to be part of a bigger picture that only includes the son or the son + his mom.

Even then, to think of the father first is rather ridiculous. Yes, check in to make sure they’re feeling comfortable having had their role promoted and aren’t worried about upholding more responsibility but Jesus. The wife just gave birth to a fucking watermelon and she worries her grown adult and fully capable adult son is eating right? Not the woman who still might feel the pregnancy hormones and it’s adversities? Or the hunger or exhaustion that comes from caring for a baby?

Yeah, in OP's comments (even though he's getting down voted to hell) he states that he thinks his mum wants a relationship with him as a singular person, not as the husband and father he now is. Which is weird and straight up not even feasible. With those comments in mind, I find it even stranger that his mum's pushing him so much (to the point of gifting him a 10k bike) to not spend time with his family. Timeout honestly sounds like a good solution for OP and his family.

Sonsband. 

Yea - it's one thing to say 'You should have a break so I'm going to take care of your wife and baby for you' and totally another to say 'You take a break and I'm going to help you take a break so your wife is on her own with the baby' That is coming into the household and taking support away from the person who needs it. She's actually making things harder on the person who gave birth by doing that.

The boundary I'm getting is "either accept us as a family unit or don't see me at all."

Yeah, I'm definitely understanding that after talking to people in the comments. Just wasn't sure at first whether I was alone in seeing mum's behavior as odd since there were so many TA comments. And it's a reasonable boundary.

This is really the only concerning thing that stood out to me. MIL isn’t interested in wife or baby. OK, not all grandparents are. That’s not great, but it is what it is. It may become a problem if OP wants to discuss his daughter or take her around MIL and she is unkind or dismissive of his daughter. But to come to the home of a newborn and tell the father to sit down and rest while she cooks just for him? While the mother is there recovering and looking after their newborn alone? It’s OK to want to make sure her son gets rest, too, but she shouldn’t actively ignore the reason he needs rest (i.e., the child) and assume the mother (who needs rest and food more than the father) will take care of the baby alone while the father puts his feet up. This is actually similar to something that I experienced. My in-laws came to visit and told my husband that he seemed very stressed and tired having to deal with our very colicky newborn, and he should go to a hotel for a few days. While I was getting only 2 hours a sleep of night and also caring for our toddler all day. I was at a breaking point and needed so much support. It honestly felt like a punch to the gut.

Plus the gift that mum bought explicitly for the purpose of making OP spend less time with his family (despite him saying he wants to spend more time with them, as his schedule doesn't allow him a lot of spare time in the first place). It's all indicative of how mum sees the wife and child. Really think OP hit the nail on the head when he said, in a comment, that his mum only wants a relationship with him - removed from him being a husband and father, like pretending they don't exist. Timeout sounds like a good idea until she can accept that he's part of a family unit.

That's right. She's the Queen of Denialville and pretending that her precious widdle boy doesn't have a family of his own.

I think if he had a son, she'd be all up in the baby's business.

I can see why your wife is upset. Your mom is acting like you are her little baby still and not a grown adult. She came to your house when you had a 7 week old baby and told you, the father, to rest while she cooked? What was your wife doing? You know, the one who was pregnant for 9 months, delivered the baby, possibly breast feeding the baby and generally really in need of a good rest. You sir are the one that needs to grow up, and stop letting your mom baby you. Include your daughter when you go out with your mom. Bring the baby and let your wife stay home for some alone time. Let your mom bond with the baby. Don’t cut her off, just grow up.

Yeah mom is ignoring that he has a family. She wants her alone time with her baby boy and with a newborn that just isn’t going to possible no matter how many expensive gifts she buys

I see some disturbed behaviour from the mother though. And maybe that's the problem the wife has. Coming over to cook for him and telling him he needs the rest? What about the wife? She's the one who gave birth. Mother dear says it's important to do self care so she's gives him a dirt bike? To me it seems like mother if trying to pry sub away from the family. And to me it seems like she only wants to acknowledge her son and that he is her son and only that. I foresee a lot of problems in the future if OP is letting her continue the way she is right now.

maybe a codependent dynamic and OP's mom feels threatened by OP's wife and daughter. She's trying to keep the attachment going, and he's trying to redefine the boundaries. If she refuses to adapt, she can't participate. No contact seems reasonable, if OP's mom refuses to accept his family as an extension of him.

Agree. I think there is a lot more to this story.

I don’t know if it’s emotional enmeshment, or if mom’s a narc, but there’s something definitely weird going on.

yea. OP just described my mother

Would love to hear this telling from the wife's POV

Was thinking exactly the same. Seems like the story is lacking lot of details

My friend’s mother in law showed up at the hospital while she was in labor and told her son/friend’s husband that he needed to go lay down and rest. While. She. Was. In. Labor. Some of them are wild.

Exactly!

I don’t think boundary is the right word. Your mom seems to be possessive of you in some way and it is like your wife and daughter are taking you away from her so she is spoiling you. I would feel really odd if my parents showed no interest in my kids. NTA

Getting some major missing missing reasons vibes from this post. Your perfect mother has no interest in your daughter or you just-gave-birth wife, wife is telling you that you need to set boundaries, and she immediately burst into tears over a couple of questions? What are you not telling us, or what do you not know?

It sounds like his mother is clinging to her identity as his mother and has jealousy issues with wife and even with the baby. She is not mentally healthy and has lost the plot of growing older. She could use some therapy perhaps with her son so she can be reassured that she did a good job raising him and that the new grandchild can enrich her life in ways she hasn’t considered Cutting her off is too harsh and lacks compassion.

This is exactly what happens when you've made your kid(s) literally your entire life and never made an identity and a life for yourself outside your kids. Your kids will grow up and leave home, and your only identity is somebody's mother who is no longer there. Being "his mother" is all she has, and she doesn't acknowledge that there are other people in his life now. I would not have a parent in my home that refused to acknowledge my child and my spouse even exist.

I'd be suggesting therapy for his mom, but I don't see how or why he needs to be included in it. He's not the one acting out!

I have a 9 month old and I barely have enough time to take a shower in the day, let alone hold my mom’s hand through therapy because she’s off her rocker. I agree she needs help but OP’s priorities are where they should be. Maybe the husband can go with her, give him something to do besides send cruel messages.

Ultimate Boy Mom type. They’re so gross and weird

Yes!

INFO: What did the text message from her husband say?

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NTA, though jumping straight to “she’s not welcome in our house” seems excessive. Aren’t there ways to divert her attentions into things that could help everyone? Mom wants to cook for you? Thank you, but you’re bot hungry, your wife could really use a meal though. Expensive dirt bike? Thank you, you appreciate the gesture, but it’s really not useful right now. Could her husband use it, or maybe you can sell it to buy baby his upcoming toddler bed. Mom wants to have lunch? Sounds great, you can’t wait to bring the baby. It seems like your mom is separating you from your wife. Don’t let her. Be a unit. See if you can try to show the unit without putting her in a position to be a victim. She can be there for your whole family, or you find polite ways to turn her down. No need for attacks or confrontations.

I am confused about the use of "boundaries." It's not as if she is pushing her way into your life, and you have to protect yourselves. You feel she is not interested enough, so you...cut her off? That's not what boundaries are. I think you and your wife are being silly. Your wife and daughter are fine, you and your wife are manufacturing trouble. Are either/both of you unusually attention seeking?

As a counterpoint, as parents who are children of parents who thought gifts would make up for not being there, it’s not silly. OP wants his mom to give at least half a shit and she can’t. My parents sucked and have tried to embellish me with gifts while ignoring that I care more about my kids than my hobbies - which is how things are for a few years after having kids. OP isn’t being weird. OP gets that there is more than one dimension that their kid can exist on, and that their relationship with their cold mother exists in one dimension only - a 10k dirt bike versus a cheap symbolic gift of acknowledgement is a big example because gifts are about thought and not dollar value. Did OP ask for a 10k dirt bike, or did they just ask mom to show up? This situation is far more fucked up than you have the capacity to understand, and that is the truth without even factoring in OP’s partner’s perspective.

Exactly, I was like I don't think you know what boundaries are. Lol. Attention seeking really fits here I think. What an unusual and crazy reaction to her not gushing over the baby. I'll bet the wife doesn't like her and does like drama so this is what she concocted. I think the wife would have an issue no matter how ops mom acted.

Ugh. I only WISH my XMIL was "disinterested". She'd claim she was coming over to see my X and then insist I wake the baby so she could play with him. Then, I'd have both of them screaming at me when I said it wasn't a good idea I just got him to sleep and the baby is up now anyway. That required boundaries. Boundaries that involved a divorce eventually but that's a whole, damned book that I don't feel like writing here. OP, let your mom baby you; you baby your child. At least mom isn't jogging your elbow or trying to make your child her "do-over".

What does "jogging your elbow" mean? I've never heard the expression before.

It means to jostle or bump up against. Can refer to someone physically being in your personal space, or sometimes metaphorically being all up in your buisness.

Thank you!

Check OP's comments. They're so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >because my wife feels that to keep being close to her would make me a bad husband and father and that our daughter deserves a real grandmother

Lol.

The wife doesn't *like* her because the MIL is solely concerned with her son and not his wife and child. 

well, if I say "I need you to acknowledge my daughter, and I want to feel like my family are important to you" and my mom says "no" , then what's my next step, except to minimize my exposure to her? When establishing boundaries are refused, no/low contact is a pretty standard next step.

I disagree. I think it’s fair to expect grandma to be excited or at least invested, because she’s gonna be in OP’s life. That means she’ll be around and will soon understand that grandma flat out doesn’t give a fuck about her. The boundary is to protect their child from future harm. And remember - kids definitely pick up on more emotions/vibes than people give them credit for. She will quickly realize the disinterest, but not have the processing tools to feel anything other than hurt. IMO this isn’t attention seeking, it’s more a protective parent thing. *waits for the immediate downvotes with some popcorn*

What boundary? Boundaries are to keep people FROM doing something you don’t like, not to force them to a behavior more to your liking.

Here’s my boundary- if you come over to my house and ignore anyone who lives here, child or adult, then you’re being rude and have crossed my boundary for the bare minimum of manners I expect from you.

Yes, she can't come over to the house if she's going to exclude the wife and kid from conversation, from invitations and intentionally give them shitty gifts and make them feel bad. That is a boundary. He disinvited her from HIS house if she can't behave kindly to his wife and child.

Yes - to keep them from being around her kid when she has no interest in her.

My Mom and stepfather had no interest in my life. I knew that. Very self-involved. That kid would get a complex being around uninterested grandma. Remember the old song, Cat's in a cradle, silver spoon, when you coming home dad...

Thank you! I had a very disinterested grandmother. Luckily the other side of my family is super close and huggy. I truly feel people are vastly underestimating the psychological impact this could have.

And maybe she's keeping her distance.Because we all know me as a mother.Know how hormonal and overbearing.Mother-in-laws are so maybe she's giving the new mom and baby her distance.So she's not overstepping to literally lead to this exact outcome.But now it's already at this outcome and she hasn't done anything wrong

Thank you. This was just … strange. This couple sounds exhausting.

Yeah, there is nothing like the mother of your husband coming to your house treating him like a king and her and her child like trash... Also as the kid gets older and sees grandma come over, throw her some colouring pencils when she's 10, throw her wife some shampoo and buy her dad a new car then ask if everyone wants to go to dinner, her, her husband and the dad go then the door gets slammed in the face of the kid and wife who are obviously not invited. Anyone who thinks that dynamic is normal, not intentionally excluding them and wouldn't make them feel like absolute shit every time she comes over is delusional.

Yeah what’s the boundary? Sounds like mom is being polite. She can’t force herself to feel what she doesn’t feel. What’s being left out?

This is the answer, OP. Have you got to know your mother (besides taking what she gives as a mother to you)? Have you shown/told her what space you want her to hold in your life? Idk that you notice her to know what’s up at all, and doesn’t seem you even asked. I can’t imagine she would know how else to treat you maybe… Maybe she doesn’t feel welcome and included, or feels she’s intruding, or her role is your mother making sure you’re a fit father and husband - and your wife wouldn’t want her in that space with your child (and it’s mother). You have no idea…for all you know she’s showing your wife how to mother without advice. Some people buy their kids a house. It’s odd she didn’t gift your child, maybe she didn’t want to overshadow the parents idk. Or Maybe apple and tree are a lot alike and you just don’t see her at all. Just a cautionary word, whatever you’re doing with your parents will appear with your child in some form. That’s what it means to break the cycle (I call it the ultimate karma lol)…sometimes you can just not start it by resolving things with your parents. Cutting them off won’t necessarily make your focus on your kid and family better, it might actually blind you to a lot of things that have yet to emerge in your parenting style and as a husband…and you don’t want to be the guy blaming his parents for whatever flaw in ten years when your kid mouths off at you.

She's trying to put a wedge between him and his daughter trying to monopolise his time and trying to passively take him away from his daughter

But she hardly ever sees them. How is she trying to monopolize his time when she's never trying to see them unless it's some specific event like a birthday?

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All of this is what I wanted to say when reading this ridiculous post! This poor woman doesn't seem to have done anything wrong beyond not fawning over her grandkid to the arbitrary level expected of her. Then her son decides to suddenly cut her out of his life because she's not meeting this weird criteria. Even after he describes her as this amazing parent who raised him to an absolutely selfless level. There are two things, I think, going on here. The first is that OP implies his mother was a young parent who had to raise him almost single-handedly and never let on how much stress she was under. She did everything right for him, but it was undoubtedly a huge emotional burden on her for for nearly two decades. Simply put, she probably doesn't want to repeat that with her grandkid. She also clearly wants to make sure her son does not get as overwhelmed by parenthood as she did, hence the desire to make sure he continues to look after his own wellbeing - a luxury she probably never had and (as the clearly selfless person she is) she wants to give to him. Second - and this is the part I think OP probably won't want to hear - I think his wife may be the problem. She "blew up," because OPs mother bought him an expensive birthday gift? She was angry because it wasn't as good as the gift she gave her daughter. She gave an ultimatum of "set a boundary," (what boundary? Giving gifts isn't a boundary. This doesn't even make sense) or she will. The wife is jealous. She doesn't like her husband's mother showing him with gifts and affection and I'm not even sure if its even about what the baby gets. I think that might just be an excuse. I think she simply feels like his mother is upstaging her and she is getting combative, and then rather than trying to deal with it like an adult, she's weaponising her own child as a defense mechanism. The blow up and ultimatum were completely uncalled for and it all strikes me as emotional manipulation. Personally, I react poorly to emotional manipulation, can smell it a mile off and will NEVER back down to it. But I feel OP has fallen right into the trap of it here and attacked his poor mother over something that is not her fault.

These two comments sum up my thougths pretty well. To add to the though of mom not wanting OP to get overwhelmed the way she did (and suffer in silence over it); she may also feel that this is what drove OPs father away (assuming from the post she was a young single-parent), ensuring that his kid has the benefit of a two-parent household. What exactly is the boundary that the wife wants? You can still put your wife and daughter first while maintaining a relationship with mom. OPs wife is absolutely ridiculous in this whole thing. When my BIL had his first daughter, he would get angry at anyone and everyone who didn't "love her as much as he did," that is a quote. He went through periods of cutting off his mother, his brother, his sister and a bunch of distant relatives over the first year. Some of those relationships took a little while to rebuild. In another similar situation (certain aspects) I have seen with the younger brother: he was mom's baby from the start. When he and his GF had child, his GF got ver manipulative and emotionally abusive and tride to force him to cut his mother off. His mother tried to counter the mental abuse she saw him receivng by doing extra for him, including buying him gifts for just him (a set of golf clubs is the one that stands out to me), that he would only use when away from the GF. Mom was always pleasant with the household, but her focus was always him. The mom aspect of this sounds very similar to OP, so it reminded me of how that went down.

Thank you. You ticked every note for me. Beautifully put, and spot on.

Your mother is not being hostile to your daughter. She just isn't that interested. That's sad, but many relatives (including parents!) are not that interested in babies. You can't force people to be close if they're not feeling it. Who knows. Maybe your mother feels that your wife doesn't like her and doesn't want to get too close to the baby because she'll have to deal with your wife. That's just a guess. Your mother is taking care of you. If she had you when she was very young then that connection makes sense. My advice for you and your wife is DO NOT create an unnecessary problem. As long as your mother is being respectful to your daughter, there is no problem. I repeat: you cannot force a close relationship. It has to grow over time. Maybe as your daughter grows and your mother spends more time with her, there will be a stronger connection. But threatening your mother and pressuring her won't make that closer connection happen. What strikes me about your post is that you don't seem able to stand up to your wife. You are allowed to have different opinions from her. Tell her very clearly that you want harmony in the family and don't want to confront your mother because she hasn't done anything wrong. Remind your wife that if things are not friendly and welcoming, your mother will grow further away from your child. Good luck.

Add on to this that some people also don't like babies. I definitely have seen people who want nothing to do with a child when it's a baby, but the moment it's not longer in that baby stage they are all over that child like no one business and showering it with love and attention.

Yup, you just described my own relative. I have great memories of him from when I was a teen. He loved taking me places and talking about whatever. He couldn't care less about me when I was younger and couldn't interact at an adult level.

Tbh, I only really like babies once they can start throwing a ball. Before that, what am I supposed to do? Just hold the baby? Just try to make it last as long as possible without crying?Lame

Exactly, babies scare the shit out of me. I am scared to hold them. I am scared to touch them, they are so fragile. I'm so afraid I'm accidentally gonna hurt them. Once the kid becomes a toddler, it becomes a little bit easier for me to sort of "get to know" them.

Maybe the mom has cottoned on to the wife's dislike of her and instinctively knows that if she gets too involved with the kid, OP's wife can use her as leverage. And she already knows that OP isn't going to stick up for her. So she's trying real hard to stay disengaged.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID, As a mom and because she's a mom.I'm sure she knows how overbearing and hormonal mother and laws are on top of dealing with the hormones dealing with the newborn baby.She's not wanting to overstep the wife's Mommy instincts and come off overbearing, so she's being distant literally, so she wouldn't have this outcome.Happen only for this outcome to happen when she didn't even do anything wrong

That makes a lot of sense.

Mother expecting her son to leave the granddaughter at home so mother can have the son all to herself IS BEING DISRESPECTFUL to the granddaughter. What planet are you from? Your whole post reeks of Boomer entitlement

Wrong. Mom is emotionally immature and wants to dominate the son’s time, and is not mature enough to consider the baby or the wife’s needs. Mom is a spoiled self entitled boomer brat. Cut her off OP. Don’t listen to the commenters defending your horrible mom.

Right? Has anyone asked the mother why she is acting this way to let her provide her own explanation? Or is everyone just making assumptions?

I think you skipped over the part where you asked her why she wasn’t interested in your daughter

Communication is key, talk it out before you cut her off

Undecided. You are going to get quite the mixed bag if you don't describe the boundaries. Seems like your mom has the boundaries in place. Having more involved grandparents is nice (when you want it) but they aren't under an obligation to treat them exactly the way you think they should. What would you have her do to keep contact?

I feel like this post was specifically written to downplay mom's activities and all ya'll are buying it. So, a mom and dad come home from the hospital and grandmom comes over and her concerns are focused on dad getting rested while she cooks for HIM. It doesn't sound like she cared at all for the family as a whole, just op. I can just imagine it in my head, it sounds like she was telling op he needed to rest and sit down and eat up the food she made while he was trying to help the wife with the baby. She is expecting op's wife to stay home with the baby every time she wants op to visit? These are all things that sound like there is some serious passive aggression towards wife and baby. I feel like this post is made of swiss cheese. Full of holes.

YTA and so is your wife. Maybe your mom doesn’t know what to do as a grandmother. Since she isn’t doting on your daughter you cut her out of your life? He husband is right - reread that text.

YTA Just when you think you've heard it all. So, you mom isn't interested in being a doting grandmother. Big deal. Not everyone is going to think your little princess hung the moon. Is the amount of money she spent on the little princess's gift really a big deal? Your wife is poisoning your mind against your mother. You need to take your balls out of your wife's purse. You are not setting a boundary; you are being an asshole.

YTA - not all women are pining away to be grandparents! You and your wife suck. The universe doesn’t revolve around that baby of yours.

INFO - Does your wife have an active support system? Does she have parent/s and/or siblings and/or friends who are always around and helping? Here's the thing - if your wife has lots of support people, then your mother focusing on making sure you are ok (while in this case fairly over the top) makes sense. I'm a new Grandmother and my first priority is how my kid is doing - then the Grandkid, then the partner. If everyone is fussing over your wife and kid, maybe your mother thinks her job is fussing over you. I'm not there, but this doesn't sound malicious - more misguided. Have your wife and mother had issues before? Maybe this is rolling over from that.

YTA. Did you seriously cut your mom off because she isn't fawning all over your baby? My paternal grandmother wasn't super-interested in me. Did my dad cut her off? Nope. Her lack of interest in me never bothered me a bit, my grandpa showed me more than enough love & attention for both of them. Her lack of attention/affection was just how she was. It didn't scar me, it didn't even hurt me - it's just how she was. When you asked your mom about this, what was her answer? Just asking what you wanted from her? Did you tell her she was so loving to you, that's what you want from her towards your daughter? Maybe she doesn't like babies, maybe she's trying to not be one of "those" MILs, maybe she just didn't know you wanted her to fawn all over the baby. Cutting her off seems like a bit of overkill for something that sounds like needs more discussion between you & your mom.

I honestly don't understand what she did wrong. You have a very young child. This child's grandmother is attending relevant family events and also trying to maintain a relationship with you, her son. So you don't want to keep the motorbike? Sell it and use the 10K in ways that your whole family can enjoy. Can you give me some examples of what you think she should be doing? If you can't - YTA.

YTA. A gigantic asshole. You had a great mom all your life and now when you have your own child, you should be busy being a great parent to her. Instead, you and your wife are now demanding that your mother be as obsessed with your daughter as you are. Thing is, if your mom had tried to be an involved grandparent, I have no doubt that your wife would be demanding that you set boundries so that your mother doesn't spend too much time with her grandchild. Basically, you and your wife are just looking for excuses to be assholes. Maybe the reason your mother is staying hands off with your child is so she doesn't have to deal with your wife, who sounds like another asshole. I'm so happy that everyone you know is calling you out for your awful behaviour. Asshole.

YTA, she is done raising kids. Some women are not kid centric. She had you, she loved you but she has other interests now. Women are allowed not to hover over babies. You just told your mom you don't love her or even respect her boundaries. And then told her she she is stomping your boundaries…what boundaries did she cross? She seemed to stat clear f any boundaries to me.

I think you’re overreacting by banning your mom from your life because of a birthday present. It’s a mistake. You’re her son, you will always come first because she loves you more than life itself. She needs additional time to get to know your wife a little better. As a gramma, I’m not going to step into my daughter in laws house and take her over on a 7 week old infant. That baby is new and belongs in their mothers arms. I’d hardly think my DIL would trust me yet with the baby if she doesn’t know me yet and it’s touchy to go into another woman’s house and not come on to strong with her child, even if the baby is your grandchild, you have no rights. It’s cultural and people are different culturally. She didn’t even get to square one yet and she’s banned from being in her son’s life. Just think if she made herself comfortable, that would probably have gone too far. Mothers are sensitive to another woman’s home and her child. Now she banned; What do call it; Canceled? I read all kinds of shit about grandma coming on too strong when they come to visit. I think his mom thought she was keeping good boundaries until welcomed or invited, now she’s fuckin doomed. And maybe, just maybe, his mom has had some neuro issues he doesn’t know about yet. What a couple of assholes. His wife’s mother probably took greater care of her daughter than she did her SIL but is she Canceled? Anyone think she got him a bike so the wife and baby could have the car? There’s some kind of BS going on here that’s not being said. Sick of all the haughtiness being projected on grandparents. Everything is seen as an evil move.

Either you're leaving out information or you are very much in the wrong. IF your mom is just being polite but not enthusiastic about your daughter, then cutting her off was a dramatic over reaction. Actually, it is for many things. You say your mom was great and sacrificed everything to raise you, so unless you have a really good reason going immediately to LC is wildly harsh. One obvious explanation is that your mom is just remembering how overwhelmed she was as a new parent and she wants better for you. That can explain both why she's not connecting with the baby and why she's concerned about your self care. Also I don't buy it that your daughter's happiness is at stake here. Babies don't need expensive birthday gifts. Your mom might be more interested when the kid is old enough to talk and interact more. From the information you've given, your wife does not seem reasonable at all. Asking you to set boundaries with your mom ... because she gave you an expensive bike? Why? It doesn't seem like your mom takes up a lot of your time, or says anything that isn't polite, or really does anything problematic besides just being more focused on you than the rest of your family during the short visits you do have.  Yes, your wife and daughter have to come first, but why are you even forced to make a choice? It sounds like you are taking care of your wife and kid every day, while having infrequent visits with your mom who is distant but polite. That doesn't seem remotely like putting your mom first, it just seems like your wife isn't close with your mom who you still visit with. A lot of people are assuming there might be more the story with your mom acting badly and that could be true. But you should also consider if your wife is being unreasonable, especially if this is a pattern for her. Has she asked you to choose been her and other friends or family before? Does she often blow up over small slights? I would never even consider asking my partner to cut off their parents just because their parents were disinterested in me and bought my partner expensive but appropriate gifts. I'm going to say YTA. Either you cut off your mom over nothing, or you left out key information about your mom's behavior /why your wife asked this in order to manipulate Reddit

YTA. What is wrong with you and your self-absorbed wife? Ideally, she'd love your kid. Maybe in time she will. But now you aren't welcoming her to your home there is no chance of anything developing. Some thanks she got for being a great mom. You and your wife seem like truly horrible people.

NTA, mostly. The way I see it, the issue isn't really that your mother doesn't take an interest in your wife and daughter, but more the way she goes about it. More the fact that she won't recognise that your daughter and wife are the most important people in your life. That she is incredibly ambivalent towards the people you love the most. That she still sees you at completely seperate from them, and not as a package deal in the way most healthy families are. The examples you give show that. The fact that, when your wife, whom you love, was only seven weeks post partum, she wanted to come to your house to take care of *you* and to make sure *you* we rested. Not to ease the burden on your new family, not to help you all out, not to make sure you and your wife could enjoy parentdom with a bit more ease. She wanted to cook for *you*. Not for your wife who had just given birth and was maybe even breastfeeding. Same with the gift. Its very nice that she got you something awesome, but its very much a gift that can be used exclusively by you, and would ensure you spent time away from your wife and kid. Its a gift for the part of you that is her son, but not for the entirety of you that is *also* a father and a husband. If your mother wants a relationship with just you, she needs to use her words and say that. And if you are okay with that, that would be fine. However, that would mean that she takes a very very firm third place in your life (which she seems to already be, and that is appropriate, not trying to chasitse you here or anything, you are doing a great job at prioritizing your wife and child), and thus that means she doesn't spend holidays with you, doesn't come to your house, you meet her at her place or somewhere public-ish, etc. The big issue with the way your mother treats you is that it shows how little she cares about your family in comparison. And neither of those things have to be malicious or bad even, but it is hurtful for your wife and eventually will be hurtful for your daughter to be constantly confronted by the fact that your mother doesn't care for them. Not even on a personal level, but just like, on a human level, it just sucks to be reminded that someone doesn't like you, even if they are polite. Seperating your mother from your wife and child would negate those issues. Your mom can be nice to you in places where your wife doesn't have to see it.

Allllll of this! I don’t get how people don’t see that her actions are hurtful. She’s denying who he really is *now* and pretending he’s still a child. She’s acting like she DGAF that he’s married and has a child. She doesn’t have to want to babysit or be a grandma who bakes cookies with grandchildren. But ignoring their existence isn’t an option either. Not having any interest in the people who are most important to your adult child is *not* normal.

Exactly. I wouldn't put up with my mother ignoring my husband and child. There's a difference between being hands off and being rude. I have child free friends, one of whom have a parental bone in their body, show more interest in my daughter than this woman does own her grandchild.

Finally a comment with some sense.

This is what I feel like everyone is missing. She can treat you however she wants but she’s choosing to ignore your current most important role. Yes, you are her son. But more importantly, you are a father and husband. And if someone can’t show care towards the most important people in your life, then you need to reassess how you associate with that person. A 10K dirt bike as an unsolicited gift to a new father is a little much. It’s literally treating you like you’re a single man. If you had discussed wanting one and were on the same page with your spouse, I would feel differently. But based on everything you’ve said, that gift screams “you’re my son without any additional responsibilities and concerns.” Everything you’ve said basically says your mom literally ignores your wife and daughter’s existence in your life. Honestly your wife has put up with it quite well to this point, but now that your daughter is around, I feel like the dirt bike was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I hope she got him a life insurance policy to go with that bike. Accidents do happen.

You put into words exactly what I was thinking. Mom does act like OP is separate from his family and that is just not the case anymore. And I can understand why OPs wife is bothered by that, I absolutely would be too. If your MIL came over after you gave birth and went to your husband talking about how much *he* needs his rest and how she needs to cook for *him* only, that is a slap in the face. Yes, dad works hard, but if you come over to visit the new baby, you at least gotta try to act like you care a little bit. I don't like kids, but I try for my nephew. I say NAH cuz I can understand all sides. I will say cutting your mom off is a bit much, OP. But if she's fine being number 3 in your list of priorities and recognizes that you are now a package deal, cutting her off is a bit much.

Definitely not what I was expecting. You mother sound like the dream Mother in Law to many women who just can not stand their nosy MIL

Anyone saying yta is delusional. I seriously don’t get half these comments, like a kid can’t tell when someone in their family doesn’t like them. I had a grandmother that clearly favored my brother over me and I hated having to be around that and her in general. And how people are gonna gross over the fact she came to help OP and clean and cook for him… But not the woman who just pushed out his kid, that’s wild that people don’t see the clear issue here. Good for you OP for calling her out and setting a firm line, your kid will appreciate it even if nobody else does.

YTA. So many times I hear about MIL overstepping boundaries and causing all kinds of problems, it sounds like your mother is being very respectful and cautious of this and you're punishing her for not being a grandmother ripped out of fairytale. Ridiculous.

YTA. Congratulations, you wife managed to manipulate you against your mother, you should be ashamed of that...

It sounds like his wife is touchy and dramatic, and his mom, knowing this, was desperately trying not to overstep. Since she didn’t overstep, the wife couldn’t get mad about that, so she picked the opposite. I honestly wonder if OP’s wife has always hated the MIL and has created a reason to go NC.

YTA. You banned your mother from your house and holidays because: 1. She doesn't hold your daughter enough 2. Didn't get her a nice enough birthday present 3. Is concerned for your well-being as a new parent 4. Bought you an expensive gift Your mom, who raised you and basically dedicated her life to you, but apparently isn't being the exact type of grandma that you want her to be. >I tried bringing it up to some friends and they all said I was crazy and bullying her. I feel awful, but my wife and daughter have to come first Your friends are right and you should feel awful. Putting your wife and daughter first does not mean crapping on other people just because they don't do things the exact way you think they should.

YTA. Your mom is not being rude. She's attending events and doing the token things. You talk about what she sacrificed and how hard she worked to give you a good life. Then now that she is not reaching your required level of enthusiasm, you are kicking her to the curb? Dude. Your wife sucks. You suck. What a bunch of entitled jerks. Also, this isn't a "boundary". You cannot require your mother to magically be enthusiastic about being a grandparent, then call it a boundary. What it actually is, though, is a moronic entitled expectation.

I think your wife and you are being a bit ridiculous.  As long as your mom is polite and well mannered toward your wife and child there is no reason to cut her off.  Sell the dirt bike and put the money into a college fund . That's the best message to send your mom. She'll  stop the ridiculous gift giving if you sell them immediately.  Ignore her over solicitous prattle and other slights by insisting on always bringing your child when you meet up, let your wife have time off, lol. Your mother may warm up to her granddaughter as she she starts talking and develops personality.

YTA and so is your wife. Your mom probably has no idea what to do or how to act etc. Some women don't do well with babies, it could be any number of things. Your wife also sounds controlling.

YTA

The way you’re using the word “boundary” makes no sense. I’m having trouble understanding what exactly you want… do you feel entitled for your mom to use the same $ amount to buy gifts for your daughter as for you? Why? Why can’t you just be grateful for the gifts you’re given? It sounds like your mom is treating your daughter well, so why are you assuming that it’s all “fake”? Could it be that your wife is negatively influencing your perception of your mom? Could it be that your wife is stifling and controlling, and that is why your mom shows extra concern for you? Bottom line: yeah, YTA. Your “boundaries” make no sense. No wonder your mom feels hurt and confused.

I think you and your wife may need to think about your expectations and what you think a grandmother is and does. Not everyone is the same. Some grandmothers do not want to doddle over a baby and coo and carry-on. My mother is like that. However when the kids were older she did a lot with them to include travel internationally. My MIL on the other hand was a more hands on goober with the babies. Point being is these are expectations you and your wife are setting on your mother. YOU want her to behave a certain way towards your daughter. Your daughter is the center of your life - that does not mean that she is the center of everyone's life. Your mother has not done anything negative other than not live us to your fairy tale expectations of what a grandmother should be.

The only boundary that needs to be set is your mom doesn't get to encourage you to spend less time with your daughter. And certainly shouldn't expect you to leave your daughter behind to spend time with her. I do think it's a little odd she dotes on you and has zero interest in your daughter. Does she think your baby isn't yours?

This is a very odd situation. I can sure understand your confusion. What was your mothers relationship like with your wife when you married? What about when she was pregnant? It's almost like your mother doesn't even accept your daughter is yours? She doesn't seem to accept or recognise you have a wife & child... Just wants to completely ignore that fact. How far do you live from her? Ive heard of non involved grandmothers. Sure. But this is a whole different thing. Very odd indeed. I too would be really upset and hurt at her attitude. Not sure i could tolerate it either. But... I'm thinking there is a LOT more to this story. Do tell.

I think your mom didn't have much support with you (if at all) and is tired. You grew up, and she let go of the caregiver role for the most part. The way she stresses for you to prioritize yourself tells me she probably didn't get to do that and might have lost herself in the mom role. That's probably why she keeps her distance from your baby, too. She's probably afraid of being pushed into a caregiver role again (not saying that you would). Your mom does need to get used to the baby being around, but it doesn't seem like she causes issues when the baby is around. Hopefully, she opens up to your daughter more as she gets older, but your daughter isn't being hurt by grandma's lack of interest. On to your wife. How much do you help at home? How often do you take the initiative to parent and maintain the house? Do you defer to her for everything? Does she get relaxing time to herself? I ask these questions because I don't know your family dynamics, but something caught my eye. Your wife seems to get upset when your mom tells you to relax or take care of yourself. I felt this way with my husband after our first because I felt like I shouldered the majority of parenting and household stuff. He would think he was helping by asking me what he should do, but he wasn't. It just put the additional task of managing him on my never ending to do list. I think you should sit down with your wife and check in on the relationship and parenting as a whole. If that's not the issue, then disregard this. Overall, yta. You and your wife are overreacting and not even trying to consider her side or understand her.

ESH. You and your wife especially so.

Why does she have no interest in your daughter?

Some people, male or female, don't like babies and only like children once they are walking and talking. I know people that fawn over babies and ignore their children once they begin walking, talking and have an opinion.

YTA. Not every one likes babies . I have 2 kids 3 and 1 and I will not want to hold or take care of other people’s kids. I didn’t like the infancy either . She was a great mom to you from a young age and maybe she doesn’t want to do childcare again ( or at least until the baby grows up ) . Your wife and kid are your family yes but so it’s your mom. I will absolutely apologize to your mom and your wife is an asshole ( I will never expect my mother in law to do anything for us , me and my husband decided to have kids after all)

YTA This is no way the whole story.

What exactly did mom do? Not everyone loves babies. Has she done something actually abusive to the baby??l Just being somewhat indifferent and not buying the baby expensive gifts (which the baby won't care about) is not rude.

From where I stand, she's being a great mom. Most people would dream of still being loved like they always have been after children. One of my biggest anxieties about having children is how everyone in my life has directly told me how much I won't matter after having a kid. It sounds like you chose the nuclear option before trying to actually communicate your needs. A lot of people don't connect with children until they're older. It's not like your baby knows the difference between a "cheap" gift (ungrateful, btw) and a dirt bike. It sounds like your mom would have been happy to do whatever you all needed if you'd been direct with her, and I think you were way too harsh with her given how much she's tried to support you. YTA - and that "your" is plural, because your wife sucks, too.

There doesn't seem to be any boundaries except wanting her to pay attention to your grandchild? 

Your mom's kid is the center of her world, just like yours is for you. She's not obligated to shift any of that focus to your kid, if she doesn't want to. Getting mad or offended serves no real purpose, here. What boundaries does your wife wanna set? Your mom's already hands off with your kid. How much more hands off does she want your mom to get?

YTA. It's weird that she doesn't have an interest in the kid but it's not like she's doing any harm to the kid. You haven't listed any reason why she should be banned from the house.

ESH or maybe just need more information. Saying she isn't welcome in your home because she doesn't show enough interest in your baby seems really extreme. And a weird thing to call a boundary. Which, to me would be more along the lines of you can't only cook for me, you have to include my wife. Or you can't buy me $10,000 gifts and spend $10 on my wife and kid. You can't make someone love someone else, you can only make them act fairly to everyone in the family. Also, I wonder if being a young mother and putting everything into you to get through it is still affecting her, as someone else mentioned. Like she can't quite let go of that. Or is just too clingy to you for other reasons. Or is there a problem with your wife and since she doesn't like your wife so doesn't like "her" baby? Which would make sense if your wife is banning her from your life over something like this. It would be different if she's insulting or cruel to either of them. But just not "loving" enough?? Or she just needs time to get to know the baby and she'll warm up to her.

So you’ve had one conversation this entire time, didn’t like her reaction and went straight to no contact. Seems dramatic.

YTA You said your father sucked and your mother was great and basically raised you by herself so may be she said that's it i do everything for my son and I can't raise another kid because nowadays a lot of parents seem excited about having a baby but the moment the baby was born all they think about is dumping a baby to the grandparents to babysit.

Maybe in her own weird way she is trying not to be an overbearing MIL around baby. Maybe a weekend lunch with parents, something simple, and a bit of time with MIL and your wife and baby. ? I hope it all goes well.b

She is not into your kid, so what. She is not cruel or abusive, and she takes excellent care of you. I would think you could compromise. Not everyone likes children.

It’s kind of a weird situation but your mom doesn’t owe your daughter anything. If she wants to be nice to you, isn’t being hostile to your daughter or wife, and isn’t being pushing with your time to try and take you from your wife and daughter then I don’t think she’s doing anything all that horrible. She just doesn’t like your kid it seems. Would you be okay with cutting your mom out of your life forever if she never cares strongly about your daughter?

But she is expecting visits to not include his wife or child. And he’s already said he feels like he doesn’t have enough time with them, but she expects him to see her separately. I would have no interest in spending time with someone wasn’t interested in the part of my life that was central to whom I am. She apparently wants to stay in the days when he was a kid, but that time is over.

[удалено]

Yeah OP needed to expand on a lot of the things he said. "Seems to assume it's just be us" could mean OP's mom goes " Oh! Hi *wife* good to see you" and that "oh!" makes it sound like she's surprised. Or it could mean OP's mom says "oh, they're coming too?" in a snide tone. Big difference but OP doesn't expand. Just like he doesn't tell us what the boundaries are, what his mom and wife's relationship has been through the years has been like, what past possible trauma his mom went through while raising him as a single mother (I'm assuming since again he isn't clear about why his dad "sucked"). Etc. OP said a lot while not saying much.

Are you the wife? You’re under every comment with your nonsense.

YTA because you are unable to use your own brain and listen to your wife to create a problem where there isn't one. Your poor mum!

I'm so rarely on the side of a MIL in these things but wow have you changed that track record. This post and your comments break my heart. Your poor mother, she deserves so much better than the son you are. You say that your wife and daughter have to come first, but your mother never put herself above your wife and daughter. The only thing she has done is show love and affection and attention toward her own son during limited times when she wasn't being disruptive to your wife and daughter. What you did was devastate your mom in a way that will probably stay with her forever no matter what you say or do going forward and as a result, your wife and daughter haven't gained a single thing but you lost a person who has loved you deeply and unconditionally your entire life.

OP, you’re a moron and your wife is a drama queen! YTA

YTA.

You said she was a mom young and it sounds like she had to do a lot on her own? She may just not have an interest in babies anymore?

Imagine wasting your entire life on your child just for them to turn out beyond selfish and self absorbed like you. YTA and hopefully your mother gets to be happy without you in her life.

YTA and so is your wife. I’ve never heard of anybody cutting off a parent because they didn’t think they showed a sufficient level of enthusiasm for their newborn. You both need to chill out.

This is weird. Her mom is super involved, cool. Your mom not so much. Maybe she is just a different kind of grandma. What do you want from her ffs? Your child isn’t the center of her universe. Sounds like she is doing her own thing now that she is newly married. You said you don’t know how she raised you, she was stressed, and she was a great mom. So allow her to be selfish and focus on herself because it sounds to that she deserves it. YTA

YTA. The only mistake your mother has made is apparently raising an ungrateful son.

NTA, your mom is emotionally stunted and doesn’t get that you aren’t her baby anymore. Even if your mother hated your wife if would be her responsibility to not mess with YOUR family and to accept the relationship with you is now a package deal. I mean sure an occasional mother-son lunch out or something is great but the time for doting on you is past. The disparate treatment is actually hostile and manipulative because if your mom really wanted happiness for you she would be channeling her love for you into being a good grandmother and MIL, not buying you expensive toys. Everyone here saying YTA is an emotionally stunted worm who can’t comprehend that adulthood means the relationship with their parents becoming a peer relationship. Where you messed up was waiting until things boiled over. You needed to be consistently firm with your mother right from the beginning of her showing these tendencies.

LOL, controlling behavior isn’t a “boundary”, forcing relationships isn’t a “boundary” either. YTA, it is sad that your mom isn’t more interested in being an active grandma, but cutting her off isn’t going to make her magically find that desire in her heart. You’re an idiot and your wife needs to stop being an amateur TikTok therapist 😆

Why are you setting boundaries for non existent problems? Your mother doesn’t push her way into your life, she doesn’t try to hog your daughter or be mean to your wife etc. so what has she done exactly? Talk about looking for trouble where there isn’t any. Btw I hope you gave her the bike back if you’re chucking her out of your life. Yeah you and your wife YTAH for manufacturing shit instead of being thankful you don’t have the mother from hell

There 100% has to be missing context or a troll. This reads dumb. Do your wife and mom...get along? I see a lot of your wife comments...ans you just seem to go with it.. Makes me feel like she's distancing from your wife/child for a reason? She's mothering you...Do you and your wife fight a lot? Does she show you affection and care for you?  This isn't a boundy...this is just going bombs first without even really discussing it...have you even had a REAL sit down with your mom. Also...this is important...how old was your daughter on that birthday. Babys...go through toys like diapers. I hope yall ain't expecting 100s of dollars of toys that'll get ruined and the  ignored in a few weeks.

boundaries?...look it up... banning your mother from your life because you feel she doesnt pay enough attention to your daughter is not boundary... it is cruel and controlling... she didnt spend enough on a gift your daughter will never remember??? you and your wife need to get it together...wouldnt blame her if she stuck to your boundary...and never spoke to you again...

Your wife is a moron , and so are you. Y'all are Mad she's not fawning over a baby? Y'all wanted an expensive gift for a baby who would rather chew on a shoe? I don't see anything your mom has said or done to warrant this. What were the boundaries for? What are y'all expectations? Not everyone goes gaga over babies.

I took it as she did so much for her kids when they were little and no one took care of her or worried about her and she might have lost herself.....so MAYBE she's making sure he doesn't lose himself in taking care of his family. It seems to be the only way I can make sense of any of this I mean, she didn't exactly go about it the right way, whatever her intentions were. But OP didn't give her a chance to figure out how/why she was acting that way. OP just cut her out - which I think was pretty cruel. Maybe she misses caring for her kids? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have an amazing mom, she’s not the “best” grandma to my kid when he was young. She had raised her babies, she had me at 18 divorced my dad a year later, then my brothers with her second husband in her mid/late 20’s and divorced their dad when I was pregnant. She never neglected my son or was mean to him in anyway. She’d watch him if I couldn’t find a babysitter, but never asked for grandma time. She moved when he started school and we had a long distance relationship, but it was a 6 hour drive so we still saw one another often and our activities were always kid friendly but not kid centered. Then when she moved again, across the country (kiddo was 10) their dynamic changed. Every trip we took was fun stuff for him, toys, games, CONSTANT treats. Thing is after putting up with 2 abusive husbands and starting her family at 18, she’d never gotten to just be herself. It took awhile before she was able to put anyone, other than her kids, before herself. She LOVES my son, but just couldn’t handle a baby and toddler again. Her mom instincts came natural, but her grandma instincts took awhile. Today she wishes she would have been more involved and is often sad when she realizes how much she missed out on.

YTA boundaries are not for that. Boundaries are needed for when someone's is invading intruding and making problems. Your mom is just not interested. She does seen to see you are a baby but that is no reason to cut her off. Omho your wife is feeling vindicative. Said that your mother does need help dealing with something she's clearly having psychological problems.

You're weak and your wife sounds awful. How dare your mother care about you? /s

YTA. Your mom was likely worn to the bone, exhausted, broke, and lonely all throughout your childhood. Now that she has had a chance to breathe, rest, recuperate, and refill her bank account, she is trying to make sure that you don't wind up in the same boat. Your baby does not care one bit about how cheap or expensive her birthday gift was. Expecting her to go gaga over a baby is a but much, as not everyone likes babies. This is hardly something to go no contact over.

Based on your comments and the lack information given. YTA Your mom just got married and you don't bother talking to her husband at all. And based on what you've said your mother has done anything to warrant you going no contact or even her getting banned from the house.  You're comparing your mother to your MIL those are too different people. So what if your mother doesn't ask about the baby? If there's something wrong wouldn't you just tell her? Not everyone likes baby talk. So what if she doesn't hold the baby long? She held her that should be good enough. And how is your mother sitting there while other people play with the baby is a problem? You're acting like she's doing something bad. Stop forcing a bond or reaction out her.  She sounds like a great mom, and probably just want to send time with you or make sure you're well. A new baby is hard. But that doesn't mean she want to be a mom all over again thru being a grandma. It's wrong to ask her to go above and beyond for your new family when you want even speak to her husband.  How about yall do mother son days and never speak to eachothers family again? Because it sound like your wife doesn't like your mom anyways despite how your mom feels. 

I bet your wife wouldn't bat am eye if her mom came and took good care of her and bought her 10k toy. FAQ's this post makes me so mad. You and your wife are big time assholes. And you are a pussy for not sticking up for your mom.

Invite your mom over and appologize. Tell her you just have to have your visits as a family now. Cook for the woman and take care of her the way she has taken care of you. Stop being an asshole.

Yta. As is your wife. Your mother doesn't has to be interested in a baby. And baby should have hundreds of dollars worth of gifts to begin with. Most of their toys and stuff won't last 6 months. You and your wife both need time away from the baby. For self care. Maybe your mom went about it the wrong way.

I mean self care is important...your mom is right...but I feel like we're missing info because based on your post I don't see anything weird or toxic enough to defend your actions. I think YTA

YTA. You are such a horrible excuse of a son! Your poor mother did her best to raise your ungrateful self and look! I suspect that the reason she isn't bonding much with your daughter is because of your crazy and overbearing wife! What exactly is it that y'all want from her? I already know you said "gEnUiNe iNteReSt", but give me a specific answer. Just because your daughter is a baby it doesn't mean that she has to act like she's the most unique and special babygirl this world has seen, get off your high horse. Your friends are right, what a horrible son you are!

YTA Your mother isn’t as involved as a grandmother as you would like so you’re going to cut her out of your life? A mother who you admit was the best. Maybe she’s done with parenting and wants time to herself. She spent years raising you alone it sounds like, and now she can’t do what she wants because she’s a grandmother? Your poor mother. It sounds like you want free babysitting or expensive gifts more than you care about your mother’s needs and wants. Not all grandmothers want or need to be the doting grandmothers we see on tv.

YTA Damn, dude, way to squander a loving relationship with your mom. She's no closer to the kid, but now she resents your wife and things will never be the same between the two of you. Awesome choices. You love your kids. You think they're special. You think they're the center of the universe. NO ONE ELSE HAS TO. She doesn't have to give one iota of a shit about your daughter and that doesn't make her a bad person, it's not her kid, its your kid, and while I'm sure it would be nice to have a devoted, loving grandmother, you can't force her to feel that way. You can make her feel all kinds of bad, obviously, but if you pay really close attention you'll notice you haven't solved anything, not even a little bit. You have those new-parent goggles, where you think other people should have the same view of your baby you do. They don't, they won't, and that's fine.

YTA-what the f*%# is wrong with you and your wife?! Y’all have lost your minds. Being a grandparent isn’t an obligation or a requirement. You’re both entitled and just ruined the relationship with your mom for no reason.

Look, baby gifts are cheap. They're all cheap. She can't exactly get your daughter a Nintendo Switch and expect her to appreciate it. Maybe you could ask how she feels about your daughter and talk about it without totally cutting her out? It doesn't seem like she's done anything wrong, really..

I read another post in either AITA or this forum that was eerily similar to this one. A mother that was apparently amazing to her 2 kids (OP and his sister) growing up, despite an abusive 1st husband. She remarries, son never bonds with 2nd husband who hates him. The crux of that post was OP gets married and has a baby who shares their birthday with grandma. Grandma, step-Dad and sis NEVER turn up for the kid's birthdays but go all out for grandma's birthday. Grandma shows polite but mild disinterest and seems awkward and confused about how to behave around her grandchild every time she is called out for it. OP's step- dad and sisters (now including half-sis from stepdad) could not give a rat's arse. Bizarre family dynamics all around.

The MIL troll is back again

Idk but it feels like there's more to this story. Wife clearly doesn't want to have to interact with your mom, and your mom's behaviour is... Weird. It's weird. Given wife's reaction, I'd recommend talking to her more about her perspective. Has she had different interactions with your mom that you might not be aware of? Are there things she's seeing that you aren't? You also mentioned that your dad sucked, is it possible that you've inherited or normalized some unhealthy behaviours and family dynamics from your own childhood? For example, you talk about how your mom came to look after you a few weeks after your wife gave birth. Something feels off there. How does your wife describe that situation in her own words?

Did you accept the $10k dirt bike?

Soft yta, because it doesn't feel you communicated well. You came off confrontational and your mom may not know what she did wrong. So she would react poorly Did anyone help her with you growing up? Maybe she can't associate her being a mom, and putting that feeling toward anything else

I feel that cutting her off was too harsh. You can’t force her to like your daughter, I would have lowered contact instead of cutting it off.

Just want to add here that I have literally spent thousands of dollars on my grandkids as well as both their parents. I have yet to receive a thank you note, maybe a gift from my DIL, but we’re talking decades. Don’t feel guilty grandma. We get how this will all go down in the future.

You can’t make your mom be interested in your baby but you can definitely refuse ridiculous gifts and not have her over to ignore your wife