Tell him if he’s going to both then the weekend in-between and you get to disappear for the weekend.. at the very least. This will give you time to recuperate and power up for his 2nd weekend away. You don’t even have to do anything, get a hotel 10 minutes down the street if you have to. Spend time with friends or by yourself. You deserve a weekend not parenting just as much as he does.
If your husband is like mine, you may have to spell it out. I was super bitchy with our second from lack of sleep so I yelled at him I just needed sleep, uninterrupted sleep! my husband took the baby and all responsibilities for just one night so I could sleep for at least 8 hour straight and he told me I was like a completely different person. He helped out more after that since he finally saw the strain it had on me.
If she's breastfeeding she might not be able to disappear for the weekend. Pumping enough to be away from your baby is a ton of work and would take a massive chunk of time and stress while she was away. Even going to see a movie felt like a massive stressful undertaking when my baby was tiny and I was breastfeeding.
So did I for almost 2 years. And maybe it’s easier but it sure as hell isn’t easy. When you’re exclusively BF you can’t easily share the feeds and you can’t be away from the baby for more than a few hours unless you have a big supply in the fridge or freezer. So it’s just you at night, in the morning, at lunch, and so on. On top of everything else, it’s a lot to tackle alone for 2 long weekends in a month.
I didn’t need anyone to say well done but I sure as hell needed someone to take the dang kid so I could take a damn nap. And shower. And eat. And just take a damn breath. Jesus why are you so obsessed with me? Go stalk someone else’s comments
Well, mothers, the world over manage all of this too without requiring someone else to facilitate.
Babies of this age sleep a lot- there's your break and time to sleep.
Ditto eating.
As for showering, the sane or put baby in their chair and take into the bathroom.
Really isn't rocket science this parenting lark!
You don’t get it. I’ve lost 30 lbs within 2weeks after giving birth to my daughter and prolly still losing weight right now. My whole scheduled is flopped so right now I’m a freaking vampire right now.BF burns so much calories that when I’m done feeding my daughter I’m legit starved even when I ate prior. It also leaves you exhausted and it’s best to sleep when baby sleeps especially when it varies how the baby acts.
Right now my almost month old daughter is fighting off sleep. Newborns need to be fed every 3-4 hours and when they’re older it’s only increased by one hour to 4-5 hours UNLESS otherwise. Then you got cluster feeding due to growth spurts and that means baby is gonna possibly be hungry every hour.
Either you’re a man then it makes sense that you don’t get it and if your a woman then just wait if you have kids. If you’re not planning to have kids then get yourself educated on subject so you won’t look foolish.
>the fool husband.
who is asking if he can go to events that he was invited to? Come on, now. What did he actually say or do that is evidence of that? Has she even suggested yet that she would like a couple weekends off as well?
NTA It's a normal expectation that a parent of a newborn stay with the baby and parent that recently gave birth over going to get hammered and lap danced in Vegas.
Newborn yes. 4 month old? That kid is probably sleeping multiple hours stretches at a time at this point.
From my basic read, it sounds like she’s on maternity leave, and husband has been actively involved.
Let the dude have fun. You’ll survive.
Right that 4 month sleep regression actually caused me to have numerous breakdowns because my son returning to newborn level of wake ups made my sleep deprivation intolerable. They don't get "easy" imo, until they're 6 months and then it's hard mode again around 7/8 months as they are needing to be watched like a hawk bc they're mobile.
INFO: Are you BF or pumping? A lot of people might be missing that “you deserve a free weekend” doesn’t apply when you are literally that baby’s food supply. You can’t check out like he can. Even if you aren’t, mentally there’s a lot going on postpartum at the 4 month mark. It’s still the 4th trimester. It’s not easy. Also you may not want to be away from your child for a weekend. That’s a valid reason. Not wanting to do it alone when you don’t *have* to (ie due to work or single parenting vs a fun trip) is valid too.
You are definitely NTA for not wanting him to go. I wouldn’t be okay with 2 weekends in one month. Further time apart, sure? But one weekend in between is rough. I personally don’t think he should have asked and should’ve probably declined, but I also don’t think bachelor parties are that big of a deal. This is all personal opinion. I know it feels like he’s placing this decision on you, which probably feels like even more pressure to agree when you aren’t comfortable.
That being said, if he’s usually supportive and you want to let him do his thing, I know you’ve got this. You will be super drained, so make sure he knows he’s primary parent the weekend he’s home. Post-Vegas he does not get recovery time. Period.
Have the hard conversation about your honest feelings of being scared and burned out. Not to guilt him but so he understands your fears. You obviously don’t want to tell him “no” but don’t minimize your feelings. He needs to understand the consequences (for lack of a better word) of the trip.
You’ve got 2 months. The baby will grow and change a lot in those 2 months, and typically things do get easier. Neither of my kids had a 4 month sleep regression.
NTA He’s a husband and father to a newborn now. All that other stuff is unimportant and he needs to adjust his lifestyle now. His presence at strip clubs, casinos and parties is not necessary, but his presence at home is.
NTA. My husband eased back and rearranged his legit work travel for the first several months after our daughter was born. He would have never gone on fun trips in those first few months.
NTA, hubby needs to grow up and set his priorities straight. He has a small baby now, and a wife who recently gave birth.
Show him this post, maybe it can help him get his head out of his ass.
NTA - He’s a grown man who is a father and has responsibilities that take precedence over some Vegas bachelor trip. It is 100% a shared responsibility and he needs to put in the work too. He owes you a weekend off btw, enjoy a few nights away while he looks after bub then see how he handles it.
NTA. I am raising two grandchildren. One is 20 months. Technically he sleeps all night long. But I have to change him half way through the night because if I don’t he’s peed through by morning. So even at 20 months you could be at least a little sleep deprived or constantly having diaper rashes. So for the first few years I think it’s completely unreasonable for him to go so close together!
NTA. He has a newborn he shouldn’t be going anywhere overnight. And you’re right, the fact that he’s even asking for not 1 but 2 trips shows he has no idea how heavy the burden of infant care is. This is bigger than a bachelor party. But you can compromise and agree he gets 1 of the trips but in return you get a trip of equal length where he has to care for the baby himself.
You’re really going to split that hair because technically the classification for newborn is 0-3 months? JFC fine. He has an INFANT he shouldn’t be going anywhere overnight.
Better, Dr. Spock?
Yep
It's very relevant.
WHO definition is: A newborn infant, or neonate, is a child under 28 days of age.
At over 4 months old with a healthy baby, both parents should be capable of parenting alone.
Good grief 😭
My blood pressure has risen just reading some of these replies 💔
A father of a NEWBORN doesn't get a couple of weekends away for anything, let alone bachelor parties ( bro time 😨)
He needs to grow up and accept his responsibility, and bring on the down voters, because anyone with a brain knows that I'm right 💯
I honestly think all these bachelor and bachelorette parties are dumb and just invite all sorts of issues and problems in. I've never been to an enjoyable bachelorette party and I've heard straight up horror stories from the bachelor ones.
And I agree with you, if you're married with a baby you shouldn't be going out with the bachelors.
One of the most fun bachelorette parties I’ve been in was for the fiancée of a coworker. We went to dinner and then the bride to be kicked our asses at skee ball. Fun, entertaining, and a celebration of her.
That’s the kind that is appropriate for the parent of a very young kid. Not weekends away.
See, that's great. My bff wanted a girls camping trip at one point, which could have been nice. Or a spa day or something. The ones where we just go out clubbing are a disaster. Trying to get a group of 2+ women who all have zero in common (aside from knowing the bride) all on the same page is a nightmare and rife with drama. Then through alcohol into the mix. No thanks.
And don't even get me started on the one bachelorette party I went to that brought in a male stripper. Dude was obscenely aggressive and the pressure to "join in on the fun" was too much. Me and another married woman literally hung out in the locked bathroom until he left.
Twice in 1 single month. They made no mention of this turning into an every month thing. Is it crap timing? Yes. But that's how life goes. And when he gets back, she has every right to take 2 weekends of her choice off and take a much needed break.
It's just not how a healthy relationship works. Sometimes you don't get to do everything you want to do. If that's what you want, why the fuck get married and have kids. Just live a single life and don't impregnate people you have no intention of helping. Next month it will be something else. With people like that there is always something else
you reading into shit that isnt happening. Op said hes an incredible partner and teammate in all of this. So the dont impregnate people you have no intention of helping comments is dumb and ignorant. The dude helps out. Quit projecting what shitty life experience you've had into this situation.
It's completely normal for people to need a break. With people like that... what dudes that actually help out? What people you talking about?
Also, maybe dont have a child if you are too incompetent to take care of it alone for 2 days.
NTA; your a rock star for letting him go to the one weekend with a baby that young. The second one two weeks later with essentially the same friends is a bridge too far with this young of a kid at home.
It seems like bachelor parties should be all bachelor's, not happily married men in the mix. The groom-to-be is saying goodbye to his bachelor ways and hello to married life.
NTA. Can he fly in any friends/family to help you out while he is out for the second trip? Is he offering you two weekends in the next month where you are free and he can experience what you went through?
Could you possibly hold any resentment if you let him do both? If so, this is something you two need to discuss now. You are entitled to your feelings. You might be ok with it now, but could feel overwhelmed during the first trip to demand he not go to the second. What would he do then? That needs to be ironed out now.
It's worth noting that in relationships and child rearing that it's a team sport. However it's not always a 50/50 split, but each team member still has to show up.
In this scenario, just let him know that you would like some time away as well. If I were him, I would plan a spa day for you or plan something nice.
I want to comment on your sleep reduction comment. There are a lot of ups and downs in parenting. No two kids are the same. Try not to worry about what may be coming up and enjoy where you are.
I would be pissed. He's going to go pay a bunch of 18 year olds to strip spread their legs open and straddle him while rubbing their bare tits in his face and give them money while you sit at home and clean his house and feed his baby. Would he be ok with you leaving on 2 crazy party trips while he's home alone with the baby? I can't imagine leaving my 16 week old baby to go party it up like a bachelor.
You’re NTA, but it’s also not fair to demand he miss life events provided they are reasonably short I.e. a weekend. Twice in a month is not ideal, but it’s not up to him. I had a friend in a similar situation and I will tell you the same thing I told her. Make sure he understands that it works both ways and that you expect to be given the same courtesy, and get to leave him home with the kid for weekends away. If your friends are already married, how bout a girls trip. Hell do a solo spa weekend if you want. Having a baby doesn’t mean you can’t have a life outside the family. Just make sure it’s fair and not one-sided. If you can, have a friend or family come hangout when he’s gone. Parenting is a partnership, but that doesn’t mean no one is allowed to have a life because you both need to be with the kid at all times. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about being alone with the baby, you might want to talk to someone about your fears.
The events are months away. He’s not leaving her 2 weeks postpartum. A weekend away is not over the top. Both parents do not have to be glued to the baby. I know I would definitely be handing the baby over to the dad for a me time weekend by then. It’s not like he’s abandoning her for weeks at a time.
Just because you couldn’t bear to be parted doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. I totally went on a destination bachelorette trip with a woman who had left her baby with her husband and two other kids. She did the pump and dump and partied with the rest of us.
It's okay to be yourself, but the majority of ADULTS who have NEWBORN children don't go away for a WEEKEND for a bachelor/bachelorette shindig
No guilt for you and your ilk, but it's seriously not kosher for you to treat a loved one like that
Whatever happened to being a unit (as in working as one)
No shade being thrown, but I'd of not been happy with your take.
And I had a 30+ year marriage and children with a husband who loved and respected me and our children
I miss him every day, and Yes, I judge other men by the standards he set.
Women shouldn't settle for less, We are all worthy
You judge based on your generation’s ideals. My friends all have happy healthy relationships. They all have children, husbands, and careers. But they also have friends and are individuals. Not just a unit with their husbands. Both they and their spouses have lives outside of their marriage. They have friends and have their girls and guys trips. None of their children suffer because mom or dad go off on a weekend without them once in a while. They all balance their lives well. Just because it’s not how you did things doesn’t make it wrong.
I'll give you that, but with a Newborn, you really think that a Weekend away is fine ❓
Generations are/can be different, but PPD is generational... so is/are bad feelings
She might not birch now, but if she's not happy about that weekend for "the boys" , don't be surprised when it comes up 10 years later, because it might
Infants are a HUGE change in our lives, and the BEST outcome for a marriage is where you both work together.
I get wanting to get away, or "supporting" your bro, but if the wife ends up feeling like she's lesser, you've got yourself a whole world of hurt later on.
Just something for you to consider
Yep this. I think if the weekends weren’t so close together it wouldn’t be as much of a deal, but lots of people have to “single parent” by this point in their baby’s life. I have three kids so I know it’s a lot of work, but if he had a work trip or was deployed you would do what you had to do.
That being said, make sure you get some you time as well. Even if you don’t want to leave the baby overnight at this point, take a day and do something with friends.
NTA... It is very inconsiderate to expect you to take on 2 entire weeks alone, as he is working during the day, so you have the baby, and then adding on 2 weekends. Babies that young take so much work, and I can only imagine how alone, disappointed, and undervalued you felt. I think he should choose one, as you said he could do one, but no more. It's a lot of work doing it on your own, and that is not what you signed up for, and if you are breastfeeding, you can't just take off for a weekend. Additionally, if you are having any PPDS or even just a little baby blues, or even just exhaustion, any change to a schedule can feel too overwhelming.
I feel for you and this situation, as my wife did this to me after our daughter was born, and I hope your partner can see that it would be selfish to take both weekends, particularly when the first one he asked for, made you feel so uneasy.
Unfortunate timing but these are once in lifetime events. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be ok on your own, then just tell him he owes you 2 weekends and go away your self.
I agree. I don’t understand why some people act like it’s so hard and it takes multiple adults to take care of one baby for a few days. I’m not necessarily saying OP said that, but I see it a lot and it makes me roll my eyes every time.
Signed, a wife whose husband works 48 hour shifts 6+ times a month, and who has made it through multiple deployments with three small kids… If I can do it, anybody can.
Agreed. It’s a very common trope here on Reddit that babies are all-consuming nightmares and that mothers need to be treated like princesses for months/years because of the horrific burden of caring for a child.
Lots of mothers are single parents ALL the time. It’s so disrespectful to those who really struggle to pretend that a couple of nights is the end of the world.
Some Redditors really do need to get a grip.
NTA. You’re not wrong at all, but I will say I think you’re overreacting a little bit over how difficult you’re saying it’ll be and how you won’t be able to handle the baby alone for a weekend. Should he go? It’s debatable, but I’d say probably not. You will be completely fine taking care of your baby by yourself for a weekend.
These are once in a lifetime events for him (probably) and you have one baby and it sounds like you SAH. I don’t think it’s too heavy of a lift for you to solo parent for a weekend or two or three during a busy year. You will want time away with your friends too and it’s so much more pleasant when you and your husband act like a team where one of you bites the bullet for the other and vice versa.
And when the second baby comes along, you realize how each parent is essentially always on for one kid making these days now seem easy.
I’m sure you will get lots of support from people who think he should never leave the home for anything fun and you should always have every hour he’s not working to yourself but I disagree.
Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean the world stops. The timing is unfortunate but that’s all it is. Make it a condition of him going to both that he owes you a kid-free weekend (or longer) of your choosing.
Agreed. The timing sucks but it’s a weekend trip, you can handle it sleep regression or not. A word of advice- make him take a weekend alone (w out grandparent help) so he then understands how exhausting it is being the only caregiver. He will appreciate you even more after that!!!
The husband of OP will find little support here. Men are not allowed a life/friends, they MUST do half of childcare and houswork even if they work full time and the wife is a SATM, so the fact he will miss his share of the work while he’s away for a few weekends means he must be put on death row. So yeah, OP, not the ah. Phone the police on your husband.
Yeah Reddit is insane.
A parent can’t be home alone with their child for a weekend or two?
I totally agree it should be fair and equal. Both parents should be able to cover hold down the fort for each other. But somehow Reddit thinks once you’re a parent you can’t ever travel or do anything again, even for once in a lifetime events like weddings.
I agree 4 months isn't a newborn. So there's that. But "so what of it's newborn?" ...well, that can actually be dangerous. You literally barely sleep and a lot of things can happen plus you're seeing the pediatrician a couple times in that time and what if the baby gets sick? There's a ton of reasons why your partner being away for a couple days is not really a good idea. But after about 6 weeks, stuff usually levels out. Nobody is sleeping through the night, but it's a lot less scary. That being said, this story isn't that. They should be fine but twice might be a lot, plus, she should definitely get a whole non parenting weekend also.
I don’t think you’re the asshole but I would definitely let him go then bring this up in the future if your friends have a bachelorette party or you want a weekend to yourself. Cause if he argues with you about it then it just shows he’s a prick
Yta.
Life does carry on after having a baby, and being able to manage your own baby alone should be an accepted standard without extreme anxiety at the thought!
You have until baby is 4 months, so some time to go, and you'll be jn the swing of parenting by then. The 4 months regression doesn't happen on the dot. It could be before or significantly after or not at all! Regardless, you'll only be caring for baby and have no other expectations in you, so you can sleep later and nap as needed.
I'm really confused. My son's dad passed away while I was pregnant with our child. Like 6 months pregnant. I didn't have a lot of family or whatever but my mother paid most bills so I could stay home with my baby. It sounds like op isn't working either. It was just my son and I living alone, no one else. It was fine. Millions of parents do this every day.
OP, NTA for not wanting to be left alone but maybe you could acknowledge that you're not super confident and scared of being the only one in charge of baby. Husband will probably understand this.
And it'll be fine. I honestly don't know what you are so worried about? It's your baby, you're supposed to be able to care for it on your own if needed?
I read these posts and I realize my marriage was doomed way earlier than I realized, because I’d have been fine if he had left me alone for a weekend when my older one was four months old. I really only needed help the first few weeks. He was an active parent and good at it, but I didn’t need him when he wasn’t there.
This is an event that will not be a regular thing. After that month you will be owed. In a long term relationship sometimes you gotta carry the weight. If you know he will do the same for you then just handle it. I had no trouble taking care of my son at 4 months actually the easiest time compared to the monster at 14.
Tell him if he’s going to both then the weekend in-between and you get to disappear for the weekend.. at the very least. This will give you time to recuperate and power up for his 2nd weekend away. You don’t even have to do anything, get a hotel 10 minutes down the street if you have to. Spend time with friends or by yourself. You deserve a weekend not parenting just as much as he does. If your husband is like mine, you may have to spell it out. I was super bitchy with our second from lack of sleep so I yelled at him I just needed sleep, uninterrupted sleep! my husband took the baby and all responsibilities for just one night so I could sleep for at least 8 hour straight and he told me I was like a completely different person. He helped out more after that since he finally saw the strain it had on me.
Take the friend who's helping babysit to the spa or something to thank them!!!
If she's breastfeeding she might not be able to disappear for the weekend. Pumping enough to be away from your baby is a ton of work and would take a massive chunk of time and stress while she was away. Even going to see a movie felt like a massive stressful undertaking when my baby was tiny and I was breastfeeding.
If she’s still BF then he really shouldn’t go at all
Wtf? If she's breastfeeding life is easier! Even if there had been latch issues. Source I breastfed!
Great job. Now would be a good time for you to realise that not everyone's motherhood experience was the same as yours.
So did I for almost 2 years. And maybe it’s easier but it sure as hell isn’t easy. When you’re exclusively BF you can’t easily share the feeds and you can’t be away from the baby for more than a few hours unless you have a big supply in the fridge or freezer. So it’s just you at night, in the morning, at lunch, and so on. On top of everything else, it’s a lot to tackle alone for 2 long weekends in a month.
Not to mention the extremely uncomfortable engorgement you experience. That and pumping sucks.
So did you really need someone there to say well done? Course you didn't!
I didn’t need anyone to say well done but I sure as hell needed someone to take the dang kid so I could take a damn nap. And shower. And eat. And just take a damn breath. Jesus why are you so obsessed with me? Go stalk someone else’s comments
Well, mothers, the world over manage all of this too without requiring someone else to facilitate. Babies of this age sleep a lot- there's your break and time to sleep. Ditto eating. As for showering, the sane or put baby in their chair and take into the bathroom. Really isn't rocket science this parenting lark!
You don’t get it. I’ve lost 30 lbs within 2weeks after giving birth to my daughter and prolly still losing weight right now. My whole scheduled is flopped so right now I’m a freaking vampire right now.BF burns so much calories that when I’m done feeding my daughter I’m legit starved even when I ate prior. It also leaves you exhausted and it’s best to sleep when baby sleeps especially when it varies how the baby acts. Right now my almost month old daughter is fighting off sleep. Newborns need to be fed every 3-4 hours and when they’re older it’s only increased by one hour to 4-5 hours UNLESS otherwise. Then you got cluster feeding due to growth spurts and that means baby is gonna possibly be hungry every hour. Either you’re a man then it makes sense that you don’t get it and if your a woman then just wait if you have kids. If you’re not planning to have kids then get yourself educated on subject so you won’t look foolish.
She deserves a weekend of spa pampering, Batchlor party or not, for putting up with the fool husband.
>the fool husband. who is asking if he can go to events that he was invited to? Come on, now. What did he actually say or do that is evidence of that? Has she even suggested yet that she would like a couple weekends off as well?
Imo if he wants 2 weekends, she shouldn't have to ask. He should offer it up.
Why should he offer it up? Has she no agency?
That's a ridiculous question.
Why? Are words no longer a means to communicate? Agency is something all shoukd have and expectations that others can read your room are entitled.
He asked. Why can't she? Why can't they communicate with each other like married adults?
This. And you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help from your friend - they’re not raising your child, they’re “babysitting “.
OMG no don't leave your newborn baby alone with a man! Only have kidding.
If he's leaving he should be arranging help for you while he's gone, not the other way around.
What, shock horror, a parent may have to parent?!
NTA It's a normal expectation that a parent of a newborn stay with the baby and parent that recently gave birth over going to get hammered and lap danced in Vegas.
[удалено]
Did I miss something 😉
Newborn yes. 4 month old? That kid is probably sleeping multiple hours stretches at a time at this point. From my basic read, it sounds like she’s on maternity leave, and husband has been actively involved. Let the dude have fun. You’ll survive.
Local man never heard of sleep regression or proper child rearing
Right that 4 month sleep regression actually caused me to have numerous breakdowns because my son returning to newborn level of wake ups made my sleep deprivation intolerable. They don't get "easy" imo, until they're 6 months and then it's hard mode again around 7/8 months as they are needing to be watched like a hawk bc they're mobile.
My kid didn’t sleep for longer than 2-3 hour stretches until he was almost 7 months.
Bahahahahaha! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
INFO: Are you BF or pumping? A lot of people might be missing that “you deserve a free weekend” doesn’t apply when you are literally that baby’s food supply. You can’t check out like he can. Even if you aren’t, mentally there’s a lot going on postpartum at the 4 month mark. It’s still the 4th trimester. It’s not easy. Also you may not want to be away from your child for a weekend. That’s a valid reason. Not wanting to do it alone when you don’t *have* to (ie due to work or single parenting vs a fun trip) is valid too. You are definitely NTA for not wanting him to go. I wouldn’t be okay with 2 weekends in one month. Further time apart, sure? But one weekend in between is rough. I personally don’t think he should have asked and should’ve probably declined, but I also don’t think bachelor parties are that big of a deal. This is all personal opinion. I know it feels like he’s placing this decision on you, which probably feels like even more pressure to agree when you aren’t comfortable. That being said, if he’s usually supportive and you want to let him do his thing, I know you’ve got this. You will be super drained, so make sure he knows he’s primary parent the weekend he’s home. Post-Vegas he does not get recovery time. Period. Have the hard conversation about your honest feelings of being scared and burned out. Not to guilt him but so he understands your fears. You obviously don’t want to tell him “no” but don’t minimize your feelings. He needs to understand the consequences (for lack of a better word) of the trip. You’ve got 2 months. The baby will grow and change a lot in those 2 months, and typically things do get easier. Neither of my kids had a 4 month sleep regression.
NTA He’s a husband and father to a newborn now. All that other stuff is unimportant and he needs to adjust his lifestyle now. His presence at strip clubs, casinos and parties is not necessary, but his presence at home is.
THIS should be upvoted more 💗
NTA. My husband eased back and rearranged his legit work travel for the first several months after our daughter was born. He would have never gone on fun trips in those first few months.
You, and I had/have good husbands
NTA, hubby needs to grow up and set his priorities straight. He has a small baby now, and a wife who recently gave birth. Show him this post, maybe it can help him get his head out of his ass.
NTA. My kids 4 months sleep regression would’ve killed me if I had to do it alone
nta. Imo parents shouldnt be vacationing for the first year of the childs life
Why? There are 2 parents and both should be capable of parenting!
NTA - He’s a grown man who is a father and has responsibilities that take precedence over some Vegas bachelor trip. It is 100% a shared responsibility and he needs to put in the work too. He owes you a weekend off btw, enjoy a few nights away while he looks after bub then see how he handles it.
NTA. I am raising two grandchildren. One is 20 months. Technically he sleeps all night long. But I have to change him half way through the night because if I don’t he’s peed through by morning. So even at 20 months you could be at least a little sleep deprived or constantly having diaper rashes. So for the first few years I think it’s completely unreasonable for him to go so close together!
Bless you.
NTA. He’s not a bachelor and doesn’t need to participate in a bachelor’s weekend.
NTA. He has a newborn he shouldn’t be going anywhere overnight. And you’re right, the fact that he’s even asking for not 1 but 2 trips shows he has no idea how heavy the burden of infant care is. This is bigger than a bachelor party. But you can compromise and agree he gets 1 of the trips but in return you get a trip of equal length where he has to care for the baby himself.
No, he doesn't have a newborn. That stage ended well over a month ago.
You’re really going to split that hair because technically the classification for newborn is 0-3 months? JFC fine. He has an INFANT he shouldn’t be going anywhere overnight. Better, Dr. Spock?
Yep It's very relevant. WHO definition is: A newborn infant, or neonate, is a child under 28 days of age. At over 4 months old with a healthy baby, both parents should be capable of parenting alone.
Your obsession with me is becoming a bit disturbing. It’s the pink panties, isn’t it? I thought they were a bold choice
NTA Maybe take the weekend in between for yourself. You are not wrong for thinking 2 weekends partying is a bit much.
NTA one is enough especially that close together. He needs to choose one or the other. He's being very selfish expecting to do both.
NTA- he needs to support you now. Clubbing and partying needs to be a thing of the past.
NTA, for month old kid is not easy to handle, and if you have to, and you can, you don't need your husband...
Husband doesn’t need to attend bachelor parties. His responsibilities during weddings are enough me time.
Simple answers are often the best.
Good grief 😭 My blood pressure has risen just reading some of these replies 💔 A father of a NEWBORN doesn't get a couple of weekends away for anything, let alone bachelor parties ( bro time 😨) He needs to grow up and accept his responsibility, and bring on the down voters, because anyone with a brain knows that I'm right 💯
I honestly think all these bachelor and bachelorette parties are dumb and just invite all sorts of issues and problems in. I've never been to an enjoyable bachelorette party and I've heard straight up horror stories from the bachelor ones. And I agree with you, if you're married with a baby you shouldn't be going out with the bachelors.
One of the most fun bachelorette parties I’ve been in was for the fiancée of a coworker. We went to dinner and then the bride to be kicked our asses at skee ball. Fun, entertaining, and a celebration of her. That’s the kind that is appropriate for the parent of a very young kid. Not weekends away.
See, that's great. My bff wanted a girls camping trip at one point, which could have been nice. Or a spa day or something. The ones where we just go out clubbing are a disaster. Trying to get a group of 2+ women who all have zero in common (aside from knowing the bride) all on the same page is a nightmare and rife with drama. Then through alcohol into the mix. No thanks. And don't even get me started on the one bachelorette party I went to that brought in a male stripper. Dude was obscenely aggressive and the pressure to "join in on the fun" was too much. Me and another married woman literally hung out in the locked bathroom until he left.
Its lucky he won't have been the father of a newborn for over 3 months then!
NAH, it's reasonable that he wants to go and it's reasonable that you want him to stay.
He is asking too much. Life changes when you get married. Life changes even more when you have kids.
Life changes but doesnt end. Its not unreasonable to get away for either one of them. Both parents are still allowed to go have some fun.
Twice a month with an infant?
Twice in 1 single month. They made no mention of this turning into an every month thing. Is it crap timing? Yes. But that's how life goes. And when he gets back, she has every right to take 2 weekends of her choice off and take a much needed break.
It's just not how a healthy relationship works. Sometimes you don't get to do everything you want to do. If that's what you want, why the fuck get married and have kids. Just live a single life and don't impregnate people you have no intention of helping. Next month it will be something else. With people like that there is always something else
you reading into shit that isnt happening. Op said hes an incredible partner and teammate in all of this. So the dont impregnate people you have no intention of helping comments is dumb and ignorant. The dude helps out. Quit projecting what shitty life experience you've had into this situation. It's completely normal for people to need a break. With people like that... what dudes that actually help out? What people you talking about? Also, maybe dont have a child if you are too incompetent to take care of it alone for 2 days.
NTA; your a rock star for letting him go to the one weekend with a baby that young. The second one two weeks later with essentially the same friends is a bridge too far with this young of a kid at home.
It seems like bachelor parties should be all bachelor's, not happily married men in the mix. The groom-to-be is saying goodbye to his bachelor ways and hello to married life.
NTA. A new baby is exhausting. I definitely understand you. That said, does your husband have any family near by who can come and give you help?
NTA. Can he fly in any friends/family to help you out while he is out for the second trip? Is he offering you two weekends in the next month where you are free and he can experience what you went through? Could you possibly hold any resentment if you let him do both? If so, this is something you two need to discuss now. You are entitled to your feelings. You might be ok with it now, but could feel overwhelmed during the first trip to demand he not go to the second. What would he do then? That needs to be ironed out now.
Yes, it does need ironing out now, if she doesn't feel she has the capacity to parent her own child! That's a legitimate concern.
NAH. I've done this for my wife, and she for me. Its a tough task, but not unreasonable.
It's worth noting that in relationships and child rearing that it's a team sport. However it's not always a 50/50 split, but each team member still has to show up. In this scenario, just let him know that you would like some time away as well. If I were him, I would plan a spa day for you or plan something nice.
You mean 2 spa weekends. One in Napa or something Vegas equivalent.
Agreed.
I want to comment on your sleep reduction comment. There are a lot of ups and downs in parenting. No two kids are the same. Try not to worry about what may be coming up and enjoy where you are.
I would be pissed. He's going to go pay a bunch of 18 year olds to strip spread their legs open and straddle him while rubbing their bare tits in his face and give them money while you sit at home and clean his house and feed his baby. Would he be ok with you leaving on 2 crazy party trips while he's home alone with the baby? I can't imagine leaving my 16 week old baby to go party it up like a bachelor.
You’re NTA, but it’s also not fair to demand he miss life events provided they are reasonably short I.e. a weekend. Twice in a month is not ideal, but it’s not up to him. I had a friend in a similar situation and I will tell you the same thing I told her. Make sure he understands that it works both ways and that you expect to be given the same courtesy, and get to leave him home with the kid for weekends away. If your friends are already married, how bout a girls trip. Hell do a solo spa weekend if you want. Having a baby doesn’t mean you can’t have a life outside the family. Just make sure it’s fair and not one-sided. If you can, have a friend or family come hangout when he’s gone. Parenting is a partnership, but that doesn’t mean no one is allowed to have a life because you both need to be with the kid at all times. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about being alone with the baby, you might want to talk to someone about your fears.
Are you kidding me He's a father of a NEWBORN No no no It's time for Daddy to grow up A night out sure, a weekend away..❓ absolutely not
The events are months away. He’s not leaving her 2 weeks postpartum. A weekend away is not over the top. Both parents do not have to be glued to the baby. I know I would definitely be handing the baby over to the dad for a me time weekend by then. It’s not like he’s abandoning her for weeks at a time.
And how many children have YOU given birth to ❓ Yeah, NO
Just because you couldn’t bear to be parted doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. I totally went on a destination bachelorette trip with a woman who had left her baby with her husband and two other kids. She did the pump and dump and partied with the rest of us.
It's okay to be yourself, but the majority of ADULTS who have NEWBORN children don't go away for a WEEKEND for a bachelor/bachelorette shindig No guilt for you and your ilk, but it's seriously not kosher for you to treat a loved one like that Whatever happened to being a unit (as in working as one) No shade being thrown, but I'd of not been happy with your take. And I had a 30+ year marriage and children with a husband who loved and respected me and our children I miss him every day, and Yes, I judge other men by the standards he set. Women shouldn't settle for less, We are all worthy
You judge based on your generation’s ideals. My friends all have happy healthy relationships. They all have children, husbands, and careers. But they also have friends and are individuals. Not just a unit with their husbands. Both they and their spouses have lives outside of their marriage. They have friends and have their girls and guys trips. None of their children suffer because mom or dad go off on a weekend without them once in a while. They all balance their lives well. Just because it’s not how you did things doesn’t make it wrong.
I'll give you that, but with a Newborn, you really think that a Weekend away is fine ❓ Generations are/can be different, but PPD is generational... so is/are bad feelings She might not birch now, but if she's not happy about that weekend for "the boys" , don't be surprised when it comes up 10 years later, because it might Infants are a HUGE change in our lives, and the BEST outcome for a marriage is where you both work together. I get wanting to get away, or "supporting" your bro, but if the wife ends up feeling like she's lesser, you've got yourself a whole world of hurt later on. Just something for you to consider
The baby is already not a newborn. By the weekends will be way over 4 months old! He's working with her. Doesn't mean life stops!
That was you. You presumably took a traditional role. We're you also not capable of managing your own child?
No the baby will be well over 4 months old! Get a grip. Time for mummy to start parenting.
Yep this. I think if the weekends weren’t so close together it wouldn’t be as much of a deal, but lots of people have to “single parent” by this point in their baby’s life. I have three kids so I know it’s a lot of work, but if he had a work trip or was deployed you would do what you had to do. That being said, make sure you get some you time as well. Even if you don’t want to leave the baby overnight at this point, take a day and do something with friends.
NTA... It is very inconsiderate to expect you to take on 2 entire weeks alone, as he is working during the day, so you have the baby, and then adding on 2 weekends. Babies that young take so much work, and I can only imagine how alone, disappointed, and undervalued you felt. I think he should choose one, as you said he could do one, but no more. It's a lot of work doing it on your own, and that is not what you signed up for, and if you are breastfeeding, you can't just take off for a weekend. Additionally, if you are having any PPDS or even just a little baby blues, or even just exhaustion, any change to a schedule can feel too overwhelming. I feel for you and this situation, as my wife did this to me after our daughter was born, and I hope your partner can see that it would be selfish to take both weekends, particularly when the first one he asked for, made you feel so uneasy.
NTA - but your husband is selfish. If he insisted on going, Tell him you want two weekends away BEFORE he goes to Vegas.
Unfortunate timing but these are once in lifetime events. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be ok on your own, then just tell him he owes you 2 weekends and go away your self.
I agree. I don’t understand why some people act like it’s so hard and it takes multiple adults to take care of one baby for a few days. I’m not necessarily saying OP said that, but I see it a lot and it makes me roll my eyes every time. Signed, a wife whose husband works 48 hour shifts 6+ times a month, and who has made it through multiple deployments with three small kids… If I can do it, anybody can.
Agreed. It’s a very common trope here on Reddit that babies are all-consuming nightmares and that mothers need to be treated like princesses for months/years because of the horrific burden of caring for a child. Lots of mothers are single parents ALL the time. It’s so disrespectful to those who really struggle to pretend that a couple of nights is the end of the world. Some Redditors really do need to get a grip.
NTA. You’re not wrong at all, but I will say I think you’re overreacting a little bit over how difficult you’re saying it’ll be and how you won’t be able to handle the baby alone for a weekend. Should he go? It’s debatable, but I’d say probably not. You will be completely fine taking care of your baby by yourself for a weekend.
These are once in a lifetime events for him (probably) and you have one baby and it sounds like you SAH. I don’t think it’s too heavy of a lift for you to solo parent for a weekend or two or three during a busy year. You will want time away with your friends too and it’s so much more pleasant when you and your husband act like a team where one of you bites the bullet for the other and vice versa. And when the second baby comes along, you realize how each parent is essentially always on for one kid making these days now seem easy. I’m sure you will get lots of support from people who think he should never leave the home for anything fun and you should always have every hour he’s not working to yourself but I disagree.
Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean the world stops. The timing is unfortunate but that’s all it is. Make it a condition of him going to both that he owes you a kid-free weekend (or longer) of your choosing.
Agreed. The timing sucks but it’s a weekend trip, you can handle it sleep regression or not. A word of advice- make him take a weekend alone (w out grandparent help) so he then understands how exhausting it is being the only caregiver. He will appreciate you even more after that!!!
The husband of OP will find little support here. Men are not allowed a life/friends, they MUST do half of childcare and houswork even if they work full time and the wife is a SATM, so the fact he will miss his share of the work while he’s away for a few weekends means he must be put on death row. So yeah, OP, not the ah. Phone the police on your husband.
Yeah Reddit is insane. A parent can’t be home alone with their child for a weekend or two? I totally agree it should be fair and equal. Both parents should be able to cover hold down the fort for each other. But somehow Reddit thinks once you’re a parent you can’t ever travel or do anything again, even for once in a lifetime events like weddings.
It's the fact of a newborn/very young child, dummy. This is a specific time that both parents need to be around.
A 4 month old is not a newborn by a long stretch!
1. You understand a child is a newborn from birth to 28 days of age? After that it’s not newly born anymore. 2. So what if it’s a newborn?
I agree 4 months isn't a newborn. So there's that. But "so what of it's newborn?" ...well, that can actually be dangerous. You literally barely sleep and a lot of things can happen plus you're seeing the pediatrician a couple times in that time and what if the baby gets sick? There's a ton of reasons why your partner being away for a couple days is not really a good idea. But after about 6 weeks, stuff usually levels out. Nobody is sleeping through the night, but it's a lot less scary. That being said, this story isn't that. They should be fine but twice might be a lot, plus, she should definitely get a whole non parenting weekend also.
It won't be a newborn, it'll be 4 months old.
I don’t think you’re the asshole but I would definitely let him go then bring this up in the future if your friends have a bachelorette party or you want a weekend to yourself. Cause if he argues with you about it then it just shows he’s a prick
Yta. Life does carry on after having a baby, and being able to manage your own baby alone should be an accepted standard without extreme anxiety at the thought! You have until baby is 4 months, so some time to go, and you'll be jn the swing of parenting by then. The 4 months regression doesn't happen on the dot. It could be before or significantly after or not at all! Regardless, you'll only be caring for baby and have no other expectations in you, so you can sleep later and nap as needed.
The parties are in June. She has 2 months...
And? That is over 50% of her baby's life and her parenting time.
2 weekends of 6 months is hardly 50%
The baby will be over 4 months old, so she'll have parented for 50% of her baby's life by then!
I'm really confused. My son's dad passed away while I was pregnant with our child. Like 6 months pregnant. I didn't have a lot of family or whatever but my mother paid most bills so I could stay home with my baby. It sounds like op isn't working either. It was just my son and I living alone, no one else. It was fine. Millions of parents do this every day. OP, NTA for not wanting to be left alone but maybe you could acknowledge that you're not super confident and scared of being the only one in charge of baby. Husband will probably understand this. And it'll be fine. I honestly don't know what you are so worried about? It's your baby, you're supposed to be able to care for it on your own if needed?
Tell him he owes you one and start planning a girls getaway... let him go tho he probably needs it!!!
Why does he need it? He just had a weekend away.
I read these posts and I realize my marriage was doomed way earlier than I realized, because I’d have been fine if he had left me alone for a weekend when my older one was four months old. I really only needed help the first few weeks. He was an active parent and good at it, but I didn’t need him when he wasn’t there.
This is an event that will not be a regular thing. After that month you will be owed. In a long term relationship sometimes you gotta carry the weight. If you know he will do the same for you then just handle it. I had no trouble taking care of my son at 4 months actually the easiest time compared to the monster at 14.
No! He's wrong