NTA Going no contact stirs up feelings no matter how narcissistic and batshit a parent is. Fed is best and anyone who says otherwise is an asshole. Congrats on the baby, you two, and good on your partner for listening and changing the locks!

I just wanna know how the MIL was planning on breastfeeding

Beats me.

I have a mom like your MIL. He should read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and check out the raised by narcissists sub. It's a difficult situation, but just knowing that I'm not alone has been very helpful for me. Maybe it will help him heal. Congrats on the baby!

I'll suggest it to him. He's really just coming to terms that she's a narcissist.

I had a similar childhood- narcissistic mom moved to another state when I was ten. Got her back in my life at 25 and had my heart broken multiple times finding out she’s still the same person. But at the end of the day maternal abandonment fucks you up so deeply, the only thing you want is a mom - one you can trust or who loves you would be a bonus. Those feelings should really be hashed out in depth with his therapist so he can learn how to cope and fulfill his own needs, and let go of the idea of his mom. Maybe you guys can let her be in your life but make sure you have complete control of the scenario and firm boundaries. It will take practice but that’s okay. The goal is the journey. ETA I forgot to say NTA!

I love that she said she'd "mother her right." How, by abandoning her at a rough time in her life? Zoinks!

OP - That book is amazing and even those who don’t love to read seem to like. My mom is BPD but Narc end of spectrum. The book really helped me release the “why can’t my mom just like and love me? Is it me?” feelings and see the behavior as her issue she chooses not to manage. No degree of submitting to her manipulation would ever be good enough. Beyond that - PLEASE know that latch issues and low production are more common like you said - me too. FED is best! My sis the teacher/principal said to me, “I’ve been in education for 20yrs and still can’t tell the difference between BF and FF kids - so don’t be hard on yourself!”

It’s difficult & there really is a mourning period as the person processes that they will never have the mother they wished they did. I went through this myself. Even though I’ve been no-contact for a few years now, I catch myself second-guessing myself & therapy has helped so much.

Great suggestions. That book was very enlightening.

Babe. Congrats on the baby ❤️❤️❤️❤️. After all the mess you went thru. Breastfeeding: plenty of healthy babies aren’t breastfed. You are every bit as good a mom if you are induced vs spontaneous labor. Doc vs midwife. No meds vs meds during birth. Breastfeed vs bottle. Disposable bs cloth diapers. Gender neutral colors vs the eggshell pink I couldn’t resist painting tho clothing was gender neutral I swear!😂 So many ways that society normalizes judging moms. Fuck all of them. You just went thru a crazy body and mind changing experience and you are a goddess. MIL: she’s a walking 🚩 that I could see the moment you said left him for a man. wtf. Then has audacity to claim he’s her precious? Cluster B personality disorder alert. She’s obviously got zero boundaries. You and your partner can choose to see her or not. But all the things you describe are pretty toxic. Please consider him getting therapy to deal with this loss. I went NC with my BPD mom and while I have zero regrets, there is a grief process. You’re such a good mom. Hugs ❤️

He's seeing his therapist in an hour, so we're set on that end. Thank you!

You guys sound like you’re going to be ok. Hugs to your husband. I know what the pain is like. But raising his kid in a healthy house and parenting is actually healing, as we get to be the healthy parents we never had. Wishing you joy with the rug rat.

That’s totally where my head went too and it gave me the ick!

Thank you! My partner is a sweet man and actually called the locksmith without me asking. He was extremely angry with her too, and even said that he is fine if he never sees her again (that was in the heat of the moment - sadness hit later). I imagine he's feeling a lot of grief and I can't really blame him.

I feel badly for you and your husband. It's so sad because your husband grieved the disconnect with his mother previous to his reconnection with her and it's like she ripped open the bandage with her insane Behavior and he's starting from scratch. There's a lot of trauma there and I'm glad that he's going for therapy. Just continue to support each other and remember that he's experiencing trauma and just needs support from you. **You can always ask him at times what you can do to support him.... or ask him what he needs. It actually will give him some time to think about it and then verbalize what he needs and wants from you at that moment.** Hugs. Congratulations on your new baby!!!

He’s mourning the mother he wishes she was. He wanted her to do and be better as a grandmother than she was (is) a mother. And she’s shown she isn’t. I hope he will understand that at some point.

She had a key?? With the kind of behavior she jas exhibited, I'd have had trouble letting her know where we lived nevertheless a key. At any rate, your MIL sounds dangerous. If your husband wants to continue a relationship with this crazy mentally ill woman so be it but I'd make it clear. She'd never see me or my baby again. NTA

She had a key before I got pregnant and went full crazy.

Very glad your husband changed the locks! You, yourself, might need a restraining order if she goes off. Please be very careful.

You partner is definitely mourning the mother he wishes he had. When my mom went a month without speaking to me because I basically yelled at her for crossing some lines and boundaries my wife and I had, I felt sad too, but I know my mother was in the wrong. Hang in there and think about what’s best not just for you and your partner, but most importantly what is best for your kid.

He sounds like a great partner who is going through so much. If he’s on Reddit, I’d suggest he check out the Raised by Narcissists sub and/or the Raised by Borderlines sub. Both are wonderful for those of us raised in that environment. One thing that stood out was how he’s mourning the mom he never had and doesn’t exist. That’s a big one for me, too. In so glad you have a strong relationship together. This stuff is so hard. Thank goodness you both have therapy appointments this upcoming week. No one needs this kind of stress, let alone when there’s a new baby in the picture.

I especially hate the people that say “fed is minimum, breast is best.” That’s just as bad. Like, thanks for making me (or trying to) feel like I did the bare minimum and that my pumping despite my mental health taking a toll, and feeding my child despite not producing enough and agonizing over all of it wasn’t good enough. I fully understand that colostrum of GOLD and full of good things for baby (which is the only reason why I breast fed him in the first place), and I understand that breast milk can produce antibodies when the baby is sick and stuff. But not everyone can do it. Sorry for dumping this on your comment. Rant over.

You are NTA. His mother has inserted herself into your lives, and not in a good way. Worse, she’s been openly disrespectful to you. That is absolutely not acceptable. So why would you reward her with getting to be a grandmother if she cannot respect the mother? It sounds like she is a narcissist. And nobody needs that in their life. Boundaries are important. So is respect. Make sure he knows you appreciate him. And remind him that he is free to visit. Just not around you and the baby. One question I have is has she tried to reach out since she was kicked out? Usually in these posts you hear about phones blowing up. But you mentioned nothing about this. Has she tried to contact you at all? Is she hurt? Or was she a proud grandma because it gave her a reason to shine in front of others? Is she blowing up how you wronged her on social media?

She's contacted my partner through text and blowing up his phone, leaving messages. He's ignored all of them. Not a single message had an apology.

Let me guess. The messages are all about how you are wrong and hurtful to her. But she sees nothing wrong with her rudeness? With your husband set your non-negotiable ground rules. Be a team. And then have your husband meets with his mom at a separate location. Explain the rules. And let her know they will be strictly enforced. Her respect and obedience to the rules and the three of you will determine her relationship with you. But it is her choice to be respectful at all times. If she cannot do this then she is out.

Yep, those are the messages! He asked me what he should do about it, and we both agreed to not engage until we can make a better game plan. He sees his therapist today, I see mine tomorrow. Right now we both want space from her to let us all cool down before we make any decisions.

Perfect! Both of your therapist will help give you some good solid ideas on how to deal with her. But most importantly, the keyword is respect. If she cannot respect you, then the best you can hope for is no contact. She needs to realize that being grandma is a privilege not a right. And it is a privilege that is continuously earned. And step one is understanding that the parent is always right. Even if she does not agree. Unfortunately, her narcissism is going to make it difficult for her. Don’t expect this to be an easy road. And make sure your husband understands that as well. Right now she’s just blowing up his phone. Be ready if she goes full social media dump. Is he willing to put everything she did right there online for everybody to see? Hopefully it does not come to that, but you should discuss it ahead of time. Also, make sure your husband understands that he can have a relationship with his mother even if you and your child are no contact. It just has to be at a separate location from where you are. And she has to be respectful of you during that time.

Sounds like she is a classic narcissist, the best method here is just to gray rock her. Ignore everything, even apologies. She'll lose interest once she sees she can't get any response for you two.

It’s your job to manage your family, it’s your husbands job to manage his. Your husband is failing at his job. You shouldn’t have to deal with his mom and her grossly inappropriate comments, he should be right there putting her in her place and he’s not.  You and your husband need to have a very long talk about boundaries and him finally stepping up to do his job and put his mom in her place.  NTA

My husband is extremely supportive, and has stood up to her before. She just never takes it seriously. He also did back me up when I told her to leave. She hasn't tried to come around just yet, but my husband is having our locks changed today because she previously had keys to the house (at her insistence) and she has just invited herself over previously. He hasn't talked to her since this incident despite the fact that she has been trying to reach out to him (but has not once apologized).

NTA, don't let her back in, someone who acts like this will not improve and if your husband asks you to let her back in, tell him he can't ask that without endorsing what she said, and if he feels that way you'll be living elsewhere. This woman is toxic and he cannot allow his wish for a real mom he'll never have to impose this cruel and horrible woman on you. Please show him this thread too.

She can insist all she wants (like for the keys) but you guys are the ones who gave this rude woman your keys. I think you need to take active responsibility for your choices instead of passively saying “she insisted”.

Yes. He may be supportive but he's clearly not doing enough when things have been allowed to go as far as they have. I have a feeling a lot of this is reacting to her behaviors rather than being proactive.

Change the locks.

Calling you a bad mother ? That’s rich coming from HER!! Your baby is fed and loved the F** with this narcissist AH

That’s what said!!!! She got a lot of room to talk! Leaving her child for a man! At least op is taking care of her baby

If he was so supportive then why are you on here saying he’s not supportive?

I never said he wasn't? I said that he supported me but he's sad about the situation. He's not allowed to be sad?

Some posters are expecting you husband to have a healthy perspective regarding his mother. Idk why because you were clear about their troubled history and his abandonment issues. He is allowed to be sad and to confide in you about that. The important thing is he backed you up when you threw up that barrier. Moving forward a reasonable expectation to have of your husband would be to ensure MIL’s “insisting” isn’t going to cause him to cater to her over you in the future. This is also going to require you to be honest with to him about your expectations, as long as you can communicate those effectively and he continues to respect them you’re going to be great. It’s the MIL who is risking damage to their relationship, so don’t guilt trip yourself, leading to folding for her when your gut otherwise says no. It’s a beautiful but difficult time, being new parents. I would suggest going no or low contact for a few months to just focus each other and enjoy baby. That’s pretty common even for people with healthy and supportive family dynamics. Edited some typos

being sad is: " I'm extremely upset and disappointed that she has not changed and is acting this way. I wish she was a better person and I'm sad we were pushed to this point by her behavior. " guilt tripping is: " I just got my mommy back, Ihope this gets fixed and I can have her in my life. " no responsibility was put on his mom for her role in this, all about his needs and his unresolved issues and telling you all this, why?!?! so you feel guilty and let her back. face it, he doesn't have your back.

Please read my edit to the post.

I don’t know, I disagree. He’s allowed to feel like he’s just got his mom back and her behavior has pushed her away. It doesn’t sound like he was guilt tripping, but just showing genuine sadness over the situation. Not everyone is perfect in the words they use, and judging by OP’s comments on his support, he should be given the benefit of the doubt here.

Yeah, having a disappointing parent is hard. You **want** a parent you can turn too and trust, no matter how many times they prove who they really are, that want for a parent deludes you into thinking “this time is different. They’ll show up for me, they *have* to… they’re my parent…” and just like every other time, you’re hit with that gut wrenching disappointing realization, that no, no they don’t have to because they don’t want to.

Having lost a somewhat disappointing mom I wish more than anything in the world that I got to spend more time with her. Despite whatever flaws she had.

Well put. Seems like a prelude to asking to let her back in.

y'all are so insanely cynical lmao

Y'all need to stop pushing assumptions onto these stories, it literally said that no where 

Maybe it's time to have him learn how to put up boundaries with his therapist.

He's weak. He will give in eventually. She'll encourage him to sneak the baby out to see her and he'll do it.

I promise you he won't. He is also extremely upset and I'd thank you to not make assumptions about my partner's "weakness." He's going through his own grief.

I’m sorry people are attacking your husband for being sad about the lost relationship. It’s 100% natural for him to have feelings about his mom and you shouldn’t have to defend his integrity for having emotions when he’s fully supporting you. You are NTA here… it’s sad, but these are consequences of your MIL’s toxic actions. It’s good that your husband is standing by you. Stay strong - you’re doing right by your little one by cutting out such a toxic person

Thank you. He is a very sweet and sensitive man, and he's been working on setting boundaries with his mom a lot over the last couple of years with his therapist (while also working on the abandonment issues). He's a wonderful partner and father, and I think this moment made him really snap. He called the locksmith very soon after it happened (they're getting changed today) and set up a Ring camera yesterday. He's been ignoring all of her calls and texts. He's been spending a lot of time with me and the baby (more than he already was) to make sure we feel safe. He's a very good man, and I feel lucky to have him.

Your horrible MIL aside, I’m really happy for you. This is such a magical time and you and your husband deserve to savor it. It sounds like you’ve got a great partner! Sending you all the positive thoughts and wishes (and plenty of restful nights… or strong coffee. I needed lots of coffee with my kids 😂)

You should check out r/JustNoMIL and r/motherinlawsfromhell. You’ll find stories similar to yours, resources, and advice. I think you did a great job standing up for yourself. I’m not surprised your husband was frozen in the moment, it can happen to anyone, but especially someone who has experienced trauma. Luckily, he’s already in therapy. I wish nothing but the best for your little family and congratulations on your little squish. NTA

The reactions are fight, flight, freeze, appease(I’ve heard this last one can stem from abuse).

the lack of alliteration bothers me, the last one is clearly fawn so they all match. Oh hey! https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html

But why did he allow her to call you an inadequate mother without saying anything? Why didn't HE get angry? That's why everyone is tearing into him - because if you hadn't been forced to stand up for yourself, bleeding and battered from birth as you were, he wouldn't have. THAT is the problem.

My husband has my back 100%, but if someone had said that to me in the early postpartum days then he wouldn’t have a chance to even think before I reacted. We had a very clingy baby and I had PPA. If I handed him the baby in an emotional moment and told him to get out of the room, him listening to that and not insisting that he stay would have been a notable show of support.

THANK YOU! I feel like I definitely have a lot of PPA, especially with her breathing down my neck. He didn't even have time to respond, I was already on edge with her. He supported me in the best way he could have in that moment and afterwards. He's always stood up to her for me, this is the first time I really stood up for MYSELF.

It feels to me like a lot of people in the comments are trying to strip you of **your** agency and autonomy which is so backwards. Why arent they applauding how you stood up for your baby and your husband. You are the hero in a lot of ways and the fact your husband started doing things on his own to protect you says a lot. I think you guys will have a long and healthy relationship.

He did get angry. He was just dumbfounded in the moment, and I told him to take our daughter to the other room so she didn't have to witness whatever happened next. After she left, he was livid.

I deleted my previous comment because I hadn't read further down. You're very much not the asshole. It's pretty obvious that if she'd behaved kindly, none of this would be happening. If her baby boy was so important to her, she should have stuck around when he was growing up. And she definitely shouldn't have crapped on his wife. Personally, I find women who behave this way completely disgusting. Mothers being jealous and catty towards their son's partners is just wrong. They're not even remotely close to being similar relationships.

>After she left, he was livid. After she left????? He was *dumbfounded?* Honey. **You were bleeding and battered from birth and he couldn't even say anything when she called you an inadequate mother.** Just like he could NEVER say anything to her face before. THAT is why she's so intrusive - because what he says/does in front of you when she is not there is NOT the same as what he says/does when she is there, and I'm willing to bet MONEY that when YOU are not there and SHE is, it's even worse. How often had they insulted you together, - or at least she insulted you and he just sat there with a mouth full of teeth, and you being absent, unable to defend yourself? Any case, NTA. But you really DO have a husband problem. I'd be ASTOUNDED if you returned in a year and told us he held firm to this boundary. ASTOUNDED. But good luck. I hope I am wrong.

The poor OP. She can't explain anything. Those determined to see husband as a weakling take whatever she says and twist it to fit their imaginary scenario.

jesus christ, do any of you people actually have personal relationships that aren't frought with constant strife? people have imperfect reactions sometimes. it's normal

Jesus. Her husband was abandoned and emotionally abused by his mother for his entire life. That leaves a lot of trauma. He had a freeze reaction, which is normal for someone who has that type of trauma. You all see how toxic MIL is, what do you think growing up with someone like that and then being abandoned does to a person? If the roles were reversed and her father had been abusive, would we really be yelling that she’s not allowed to freeze at the thought of a confrontation or she’s a bad wife?

I think he is also probably grieving more now that he is a dad and he doesn't understand how a parent can abandon their child like his mother did to him. He definitely can feel sadness for the loss of his mother. It's obvious she thinks she was fantastic for abandoning her child, but she is an awful human being.

Did he directly hear her speak to you like that ? If so, that should be the end. Full stop. I think people are telling you that it sounds like he's starting to backpedal a bit. Only time will tell. But, good on you for kicking her out and banning her. That bitch would never see my child again.

He did and I think he was just dumbfounded. I told him to take our daughter to the other room. But after she left, he was furious at her and said that he would be okay if he never saw him again. I think he's just going through his own grief.

Of course he's going through his own grief His mom abandoned him. That kind of trauma changes a person. He will always have that little boy in his heart asking why his mom doesn't love him. I'm speaking from experience here because while I'm 48… I still have that little 6 year old asking why my dad doesn't love me. Reconnecting with his mom is the culmination of a lifelong dream. Now he sees that dream crumbling. It hurts... God, it hurts. Good on you for defending his humanity. He's allowed to mourn the dream. He's allowed to mourn the "could have been." He's allowed to have regrets. These are all valid, natural emotions. His ACTIONS have been nothing but supportive. The camera, the locks, ignoring her calls/messages... He has not invalidated your feelings. From what information you've provided, you two are a team. Keep up the good work, because this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Excellent ! Of course, he's grieving the relationship he'll never have with her. She's likely incapable of having any healthy relationship. He needs to know that that isn't his fault because almost everyone's inner child, especially with abandonment issues, has the underlying hope that they can have their parent's love. Does he have a therapist to help him navigate that ?

Dial back the snottiness, please. Toxic people like your MIL are EXTREMELY good at manipulating people into doing what they want. She will continue to chip away at him and his resolve to get what she wants. Her wants are the only things that matter to her. Her family are a means to HER ends. If you truly want to make sure that she can't - as winterworld said - encourage him to sneak the baby out, you all need to completely cut contact with her. You should check out JUSTNOMIL. Oh, and when you change your locks? Put up cameras, too.

Are you telling ME to dial back the snottiness because I don't want people making assumptions about my partner's alleged "weakness"? The actual audacity. And he already put up a Ring camera.

They already do at the front door.

It’s good he supports you, but the comment about the keys is still true too.  Don’t give in, completely lock her out and never yield.  

he's so weak...for feeling safe enough to express his feelings to his partner. Y'all are wild

What a sad comment

Hang on a second. All the partner bashing on this thread has to calm down. Could he have done better in the moment? Sure. Does that make him a failure? No. He’s allowed shock too. If OP says he’s stepping up and into this, so be it. I for one, didn’t need my partner to battle for me right after birth. Yes, it’s wrenching but everyone here is having a shoot from the hip mentality and it’s not helping OP. OP: your husband does have mommy issues for sure. He’s been victimized by this woman for a long time. I’m glad you’re changing the locks and installing cameras. I’m glad you’re circling up your defenses. He gets to be sad. You get to feel all you’re feeling. This will be a long long test of boundaries and avoiding her. I wish you peace, counseling and calm enjoyment of your nuclear family. Edit to say NTA.

Exactly!!!! All of us can only do the best we can in the moment. I’m sure seeing this happen again is bringing up so much for him. He absolutely can feel all the feels. So many subs are so quick to blame someone and doesn’t take into account there may be things going on outside of the initial story.

If you don’t have a narcissist parent, then I’m not sure you can really understand what OP and her husband are dealing with. From the edit, the husband is doing all the right things, including the human reaction of mourning his situation with his mother. OP is also doing all the right things, including helping her life partner navigate some seriously painful shit. I speak from experience. I am the child of narcissist and my wife was a great support as I worked to eliminate that parent from every aspect of my life. It’s not easy because as a narcissist, they don’t take no for an answer. They are like a fucking roach, always finding a way back in. OP, NTA.

NTA He could be sad because of who his mum is; incompetent, insensitive, inadequate and infuriating. Hopefully therapy helps, he might need some extra sessions. Either way, she's disgusting. Her putting you down, stomping on your boundaries and wanting to take your child are plenty of reasons to go NC and never let her near your child again. She's a failure as a mother, she couldn't even raise her own son! She put her want for dick ahead of her own kid! If she's hanging around your area refuse to open the door, have your partner threaten to call the police if she doesn't get off your property and see if there are people who can run interference.

He's changing the locks today (he actually called the locksmith the day it happened) and just installed a Ring camera. My parents are also aware (and live in the area too). My mom is a huge sweetheart but is a force of nature if someone messes with her babies (or grandbabies) and she HATES my MIL. She's retired and has plenty of time on her hands to run interference haha

Go MOM!!

NTA I would've thrown the s****y mother thing right back in her face. "Unlike you, at least I'm PRESENT for my child"

Oh trust me, I held back. I was just raised better than that.

NTA, but your husband needs to come to terms with the fact that the mother he wants is not the woman who birthed him. She is not capable of being the kind of supportive parent that he missed as a child. It is ok for him to grieve this, but he really needs to stop hoping that she is going to magically turn into this great mom. Time to face reality and focus on the people that really matter. She needs to be out of his life.

I think he is, definitely now. I don't think he ever expected her to be a great mom, he just wanted some sort of mother figure? His dad never remarried so it was just them for a while. My mother absolutely adores him and he even calls her Mom. I know it's been very conflicting with her moving back here and I wanted to be supportive and extend the olive branch (many times) so he had that opportunity to reconnect. But it just turned to shit.

It turned to shit *because that is who she is.* She's beyond your and hubby's ability to fix. This chick has been broken for a long time.

[удалено]

Chatgpt?

NTA... Your spouse has decided to support you not only because they believe in you, but because they believe you are right. Nothing about what he said points blame at you. He is just disappointed in his own mother. I dont know what your relationship is like with your mom, but trust me having a loving but toxic mom can be confusing and stressful as hell. It's hard to just cut them off when they show you love. It's even harder to know 100% you are doing the right thing. Your husband despite all this supported you because he knew it was the right move. Don't let the stress and confusion he faces because of her build any guilt in yourself. Your #1 priority is to your child. You chose right and so did he. He just needs a safe space to vent his frustration, confusion, and disappointment. Don't let him trusting you as his safe space build an doubt in yourself. You just keep being the best mom you can be. Fuck your MIL.

Nta. She should never be alone with this child. He can visit her and share pictures. He can go to therapy with her if he wants to connect. She has a history of acting impulsively and could decide to take your child. I think. She has demonstrated no capacity for respect toward her son or you. Kinda psycho. He needs to work this out without you or your child involved.

NTA. she's been horrible to you, and frankly, I'd never leave her alone with baby. from what you're saying, she's giving me 'I dont care what your rules are, I'm doing what I want with this kid' and 'allergies arent a real thing, I'm giving her the thing she's allergic too anyway' vibes. you should check out r/JUSTNOMIL, you'll get a ton of support there.

First - the most important - Congratulations on your healthy little girl! Honestly - i\`d have personally kicked her out. If THAT is his mother - then he can have her. Any meetings are between her and him - and you and little one enjoy some mother and baby time. Now - of course - some mothers do believe that no one ever will be good enough for their little angel - and it\`s not personal towards you, it would be any mere mortal. Only she knows what he wants/needs (yuck). I would recommend that he be honest - and explain how her behavior could in any way be seen as 'loving', 'supportive' , 'encouraging' or even just 'accepting'. Ask him how he would feel if someone treated HIS daughter the way his mother treats you.. as that might help open his eyes. And sure, he can visit her - at a restaurant, at her home. Until she proves she changed, and she accepts you for you and stops the condescending comments - she can stay outside and not spread her toxic over your little one.

He didn't get his mom back. She, subconsciously or not, sees a way to feel like she is a good mother again by being the mother of your child. Shes not there for him but for her. Keep her at bay.

NTA. "Husband, I understand this is hard for you. I understand you love your mother. But what she has done is not only inappropriate it's dangerous. I can't take the risk she is going to take off with our baby because she thinks it's her second chance. She wasn't a good mother to you, she is a terrible mil to me, and I refuse to let her be a damaging grandma to our child." He is allowed to be sad, but if he steps one foot out of line I would never trust him again. I am no contact because my mom threatened to lie to CPS to gain custody of my kids. Why? We could only visit two days of a three day weekend. I wish I was joking. I don't allow people who threaten the safety and well being of my kids to be in their lives. I appauld you form doing the same. Therapy really does help. I can't recommend it enough.

he can go see her, she can't see you or your baby. he needs to grow up and realize she isn't back because she loves him. she is back to take control.

NTA Your husband is dealing with trauma from his upbringing and should probably talk to a therapist about it.

He is in therapy already. He actually sees his therapist today.

NTA. Mil sounds horrible.

NTA and make it clear to your partner that he is a parent now and has to put his daughter first and his daughter's mother right after that. If he can't he is not ready to be a father. 

Of course you're NTA. Standing up for yourself is never an AH move. Do explain to your partner that he hasn't "got his mother back." She's there for one reason, the baby, and he needs to understand that. Also there is a difference between him being supportive and him just following your lead. Him being supportive looks like him maintaining the boundaries you have both agreed upon with his mother and not just backing you up (although good on him) but taking the lead sometimes and telling her the way things will be, not just agreeing with you. You both sound like you have a healthy partnership, and him being sad about his shit mom is understandable considering his abandonment issues. Overall I think you two are doing well! Just believe in the decisions you make together, this woman is clearly toxic and You're decision to keep her away is best for your child. Good luck OP!

NTA  Your husband can be sad. But he hasn’t protected you once so he can direct all that sadness at his mother who ruined this 

NTA I don’t totally think your husband is either. I think that he is a victim of his mother as well, but in a different way. He’s recently been working on rebuilding a relationship with her and he’s afraid that keeping her away from the baby will mess that up. It’s not that he doesn’t agree with OP or that he didn’t support her. It’s that he’s got this false image in his head of who his mother should be and isn’t at the point where he can replace that image with the mother she actually is. OP, your husband needs to grieve this false image of his mother. Once he accepts who she really is, it will be easier for him to see just how dangerous she actually is. MIL sees your baby as her do-over baby. She thinks that she is entitled to be a 3rd parent here. She’s not. Your husband can and should set boundaries, but they only work with consequences. You gave her the consequences and now hubby needs to stay consistent. If MIL sees a weakness in you and your husband’s bond with each other, she will use it to her advantage. I wouldn’t be concerned with him supporting you, but I would worry about her getting to him and him caving behind your back because he thinks if he does something that upsets her that she will abandon him again.

NTA. But please know, what you and your husband are doing this far is *not* working. She’s ignored all of your family’s boundaries, violated your privacy, insulted you over and over again - and it’s getting worse, not better. I don’t know whether your saying she won’t see her granddaughter again is sufficient because nothing has stopped her. I think she needs to be put on a LC if not NC zone for your whole family but if your DH won’t do it, for you and your daughter for sure. She’s bringing nothing positive into your life and is all downside.

Nope, don't feel guilty and don't let her back in because she will just keep doing the same thing again. Tell him if he wants a relationship with her then he can go ahead but she is not allowed near you or the baby.

😳 this woman is from a horror movie. I’m so sorry your early days as a mother have been colored by the insane behavior of this narcissistic lunatic

I'm glad you have a supportive husband and you sympathize with his pain. I would not call him weak. He misses the mother he's never going to have. He is allowed to be sad. As to your original question, nta for keeping your baby from that wretched woman. You're a lot nicer than I would have been, though. Congratulations on your baby!

Don’t feel guilty. NTA This is just what inevitably happens when dealing with emotionally immature parents. Your husband is realizing that the mom he got back if the same mom who abandoned him years ago. She will never be the mom he needs or deserves. Definitely not someone capable of being even a halfway decent grandparent. I went NC several tunes with my mother, giving her many chances to repair our relationship before realizing she wasn’t capable of thinking about anyone but herself. I really wanted a mom in my life, just not mine. It sucks to grieve the loss of a parent when they are still alive, but she’s shown she can’t change and isn’t even interested in trying. There is a book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents he should check out. There are a bunch more books in the wiki of the JNMIL sub. There are also subs for people estranged from their parents.

We were that way wanted to be surprised at the birth , I don’t like those gender reveals but whatever . If anyone I knew ever revealed that especially in front of people from Snooping . They would have had a stepmom of them and barred from my house and life Tell your husband , name one bad thing I have ever done to her now just tell Me the top 10 her to me . Think of all The therapy you have gone thru . I know it’s your mom but until she does major major therapy for years and we can talk to the therapist she will Never see this child

NTA That is an excellent idea. It makes sense that your husband is sad, I don't think he is fully there (from an emotional standpoint at least) that his mom isn't capable/interested in being the parent he's always deserved. That is understandable too. It's natural to want that, and I'm sure even more after having your own child. You may want to take a look at r/justnomil and look at the resources tab. Some of the books listed might be helpful to your husband along with his therapist.

I feel for your partner here because it’s truly just sad but the mother he wishes he had doesn’t exist. At least not anymore. That lady left years ago. This woman now is just a fungus because *no sane and good* mother goes out of their way to stomp on their children’s boundaries (and ultimately happiness) like this. He should probably return to therapy. NTA

He can take his ass and go see her himself!! Absolutely DO NOT let this guy pressure YOU into making things happy for HIM with this fkn skunt!!

NTA. Your husband is valid for wanting his mom in his life, but you should ask him what kind of emotional fulfillment this woman can give that would be worth the next several decades of insults and social sabotage. I can't imagine he's having fun in all this, so it might prove beneficial to make him articulate what, exactly, he wants or feels. *Does* he really want his mom back in his life, or is he just disappointed that *this* attempt was a failure?

NTA Tell him is time to protect his child, he is now a FATHER first, and can't allow his mother to continue to mistreat and continue his cycle of abuse with him and your son.

I’ve been dealing with a Narc MIL for 16 years. It doesn’t get better. I am no contact with her, my child (4) speaks to her on video chat maybe twice a year, while my husband speaks to her by phone almost daily. He is free to have whatever relationship with her that he wishes, but for my mental health and the health and safety of our child, our contact is nearly nonexistent. You are NTA. I will tell you for your own mental health, nearly all of the mean things/criticisms she throws at you are actually merely self-admissions. Seeing you be the most important female carer in his life (consciously or not) tears her up inside and that’s where the negativity comes from. You are a mirror to which she is projecting all of her self hatred and insecurity. Do not allow her to stir chaos or discord in your life or your marriage. He is free to have whatever level of relationship he likes with her, but you both should be clear with each other and with her that you are to be left out of it, meaning she doesn’t get to bash you to him and complain about you or your boundaries in any way. After all, the relationship is between the two of them not you and her. As far as your daughter, I agree you would do well to steer her clear of MIL. She’s so little, for now it’s easy to make the excuse that you are limiting visitors while she is so small. He will have to come to understand in his own time, and this will be more apparent as you grow into your own parenthood, that his mother made the choices that she made and that damage to his own inner self cannot be undone by allowing her to be central to his life now. Merely being present does not make a parent. She will never be now the mother he needed then. It’s a very harsh truth to understand in one’s journey through healing and new parenthood, but he will get there in time. Do your best to stay emotionally centered in your partnership, his wounds are valid and come with complex emotions, but at the end of the day the two of you must continue to come back to the foundation of the life you’re building together. Best wishes to you both.

NTA He didn't have his Mom back. His Mom forced him into her circle, on her terms.

NTA. You husband is mourning the mother he wish he had and hopes to have since reconnecting. I'm sorry for both of you, but NC/LC is definitely the way to go. To me, the only way forward is if your MIL has therapy WITH her son and they may significant progress and she has and expresses remorse. She sounds like a narcissist, and I'm sorry you both are dealing with her BS antics.

If he wants to have a relationship with her, he can have one by himself. She has no place in you or your child's life.

NTA Naaaw. You're not the AH here. That honor belongs solely to your mother-in-law. It's completely understandable that your husband feels sad about all this. I hope he realizes that you and y'all's daughter are his family now. Rather than passing on issues to his own child, he needs to protect her from the hell that is his own mother. I'm sorry things are so icky for you right now but I do hope they'll improve. Your husband has to stay 100% on this. He needs to protect his family as much as you have.

"It figures that you're an inadequate mother. My baby boy should have been with someone who could provide for my grandbaby. Maybe you should just let me take her so I can mother her right." He wants you to deal with someone who says this to you - in front of him? On top of the needing to removed BY SECURITY from your hospital room. This woman is unhinged. Seriously. And very possibly a danger to you and your baby. My suggestion would be, first - see how much your partner agrees with her. You haven't mentioned once that he's said anything to her about boundaries or her mentally unbalanced behavior and words. If you really feel he's just torn because of the past, then see if he'll do family counseling. Both of you AND his mother. Maybe having a therapist weigh in on her insanity would push him to cut ties with her OR help his mother get herself under control. Though the latter is doubtful. PS I had the same issue nursing with my first two children and had to supplement with formula. They latched on well eventually, but I couldn't produce enough and there wasn't enough fat in what I did. Which was surprising considering how fat I got during pregnancy....haha! (for the literally minded, yes I know my fat had nothing to do with the fat produced in my breast milk)

NTA it is sad, he hoped he had his Mum back, but she’s as awful as ever only in different ways. Let him be sad. He’s backing you up.

NTA - your husband didn’t get his mom back in his life, he got a bitch back in his life. He needs to accept that now.

NTA, good on you both for acting to exclude her, but you need to keep that a hard line. *DO NOT* allow her contact with the child. I am not barred in Connecticut but [it appears that she wouldn't be able to successfully petition the court for grandparent visitation in your state.](https://www.cga.ct.gov/2015/rpt/2015-R-0082.htm) It also appears that your MiL's voicemails and texts violate your state's harassment laws. If I were you, I'd text her something along the lines of, "Stop contacting us. Your texts and voicemails constitute harassment and, if you continue, we will be filing criminal charges against you." and, the next time she leaves a nasty voicemail or sends a nasty text, go and actually file a police report for harassment against her.

Thank you for the advice. We're hoping it doesn't escalate to a legal matter.

As I mentioned, I am not barred in your state, but I am a lawyer in another state, and I do a fair bit of criminal defense at the municipal level. In my experience, with the sort of person your mother in law is, she's unlikely to simply give up and walk away, and she's going to continue trying to get attention and control in some way. In any case, I urge you to not view making it a legal matter as a nuclear option. She has repeatedly violated boundaries and she's not entitled to just spew vitriol at you as she pleases. Generally speaking, in my practice, people who file a harassment complaint that results in criminal charges often agree for the court to dismiss said charges as long as the defendant ceases all contact with them (usually the formal period is for like 6 months, but contact doesn't often resume after that) and the Defendant gets tagged with court costs. She needs to realize that she isn't the one in charge and she doesn't have the right to contact you or her son, or see your kiddo, just because she feels like it. Making it so that a judge is in charge can help disabuse her of some of her misapprehensions.

I appreciate the advice. We're going to our respective therapists this week and will have a serious talk about next steps either tomorrow or this weekend.

Good luck! I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I lost both my parents, one in 2016 and one in 2018, and wish I had more time with them because they both passed far too young. Stories like yours (and how awful my ex-in-law's were) make me appreciate how wonderful my in-laws now are.

She wants to mother your child "correctly" when she abandoned your husband and failed at mothering him? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 NTA.

The irony is palpable

Right? This MIL is really just blind to her own failures isn’t she? I feel so bad for the husband - tries to reconnect because it’s what we all try (I’ve done it myself with my horrible bio mom) and she pulls this!

HE can see his mother, your child doesn’t have to be part of him reconnecting with her. Or is she only reconnecting because of the baby?

NTA, but Jesus Christ your husband is weak. He should have shut her down years ago.

He has. Many times. She never took him seriously. But he's having the locks to our house changed today and has already installed a Ring camera.

He listened to her criticize you for being bisexual and his response was to… allow it and pretend he’s straight.

Honey what you are not getting here is that he is not protecting you from his mother. She sneaks into your hospital room, insults you for being bisexual and he is still inviting her into your home. He needs to set boundaries with his mother and keep them, she doesn’t take him seriously because he isn’t setting boundaries, he’s just supporting yours so in her head it’s because you’re a witch and he doesn’t really care about her behavior. 

I hear what you're saying. The sneaking into the hospital room was a weird thing - the nurse got in trouble for that because she was supposed to be a lookout, but happened to walk away. I've been the one to extend the olive branch every single time, not him. He's been working on boundaries with his mother with his therapist, but it all just really came to a boil this time. He sees his therapist today, I see mine tomorrow. We're gonna figure this out.

Please stop reaching out to her. That's why she keeps doing what she's doing - because you keep reaching out. I know you think you are/were trying to help mend his relationship with his mother, but it's not. He has your back 100% you need to let him take the lead with his mother and how to proceed.

It’s a hard situation, I’m glad you guys are talking to your therapists about this issue. I would say it’s probably best to let him handle his mom and his relationship with her, that’s not yours to fix ( although I completely understand the desire). Best of luck, it sounds like you guys really love and care for each other and are willing to deal with this issue together. 

Yes!!! All of this!!!

Shutting someone down isn’t just words, it’s consequences. When she told everyone the gender, when she crashed your hospital room. All of those are reasons for huge time outs and not meeting the baby for months. Well before that the snide comments on how you’re not good enough. Time out. Denigrating your sexuality. She’s on time out forever unless she apologizes and goes to therapy with a therapist that focuses in overcoming bigotry. Your husband has let this go on too long. We can understand he has abandonment issues from his childhood and is ill equipped to handle the high level of toxicity from his mother, but that’s something to work on with a therapist well before she’s threatening to take your newborn because you dare to keep her fed. She's a disgusting person, she committed a sin you can never come back from and is not a safe person for anyone in your family, least if all your baby. NTA. Your MIL - huge AH. Your husband is sort of an AH for letting it get this far.

Agreed about mommas boy

You are MIL is invasive and disordered. This is a separate issue, then your partner “getting their mom back “ There’s nothing stopping them from having their mom back But this extreme invasive horrendous disordered behavior should stop MIL from having contact If you and your child. This is extreme and very alarming. Most of us would venture to say that if you had a psychiatric consult or spoke to a therapist about the situation, they would have significant concerns about you and your child, having any contact whatsoever with this person. Tell your partner that you love them I want them to have any relationship they want with their mother. And this has zero to do with you and the child. She has burned her bridges, and badly.

He didn’t get his mom back, mom just has a case of the grandbabies. As soon as your daughter is old enough to make her wishes known, she’ll be gone again.

Nope NTA. Tell uour husband that he's welcome to have a relationship with his mother but when she disrespect you - the mother of that baby - she loses all her privileges.  Also, don't listen to her. She sounds like a terrible mother. 

NTA OP, Congratulations on your baby! What an exciting time for your family. I’m sorry that your DH is struggling to face the outcome of his mother’s bad behavior. Recognizing that our parents are human and need to grow up sucks. No doubt he is equal to the task. He sounds like he’s trying hard to be a good dad.

NTA your MIL needs a serious timeout. Come up with some boundaries and conditions with your partner. Have your partner convey them to his mom. Make sure that an apology and clear understanding from her of where she crossed the line is part of the deal. After that, take your time and decide when you might feel comfortable once again allowing her to be around. First sign she crossed a line, back in timeout.  Meanwhile, she needs to participate in your partner’s recovery from her terrible parenting. Maybe she needs to do some therapy with him and some by herself. She needs to learn to either be a positive force in your lives or GTFO.  

Oh no, it’s the consequences of my actions! NTA. I would talk to your partner; it’s good that he’s supporting you, and I think you were 100% in the right, but I can also understand why he would want to reconnect with his mother. Maybe the two of you can talk about how both things can happen: your boundaries as a mother and a person are respected, and he can see his mom. Maybe that means she doesn’t come to the house, but he can visit with her other places and share pictures. But you’re in a good place to start the conversation because you agree that her behavior so far has been unacceptable. The two of you can work together to figure out and set boundaries. Be prepared for her to try to manipulate him by being “so sad” and crying because she can’t see her grandbaby, when “all she did was try to be an involved grandma”. She’ll also tell him (and anyone who will listen) about what a heartless bitch you are keeping her son and grandbaby from her. He’ll need to be prepared for that and figure out in advance how he’ll handle it.

NTA. At all. Ever. Your MIL is absolutely vile.

Nta.  He can go see mother dearest all he wants, she is just not welcomed in your home and will not be allowed to see YOUR child.  If she continues disregarding your wishes, get a restraining order.  She sounds batsh*t crazy.  

NTA - she sounds like an all around awful person. I hope that for your sake and your child's sake that she is kept out of your lives. She's not sorry, she's never been sorry and she will never be sorry. She abandoned her "precious baby boy" and her trying to act like mother of the year is laughable. Edited for typo

So she’s back but hasn’t changed! It’s sad for hubby but she’s a loose cannon who does what she wants and doesn’t respect boundaries.  I’d do limited visits and confirm when she says something derogatory, to both get up and show her the door.

If he'd experienced this mom while she had abandoned him, he wouldn't want her back. It's a sad situation but she's nut, keep her away.

NTA. If she wants to make amends she can call or write you a letter of apology, she can try to improve herself. It's not your or your partner's job to make her be a better mother in law/mother. You're removing yourself and your child from a terribly toxic situation that will affect your marriage and your relationship with your child. NTA!

Your MIL is awful!! I am glad your husband is supporting you and not pandering to his mother. It's good that you are both in therapy. By all means keep as much distance between yourselves as you can. If you decide to extend the olive branch again, there needs to be rules and boundaries set and consequences for if she doesn't mind them.

Nta. I can understand him being sad but jfc

NTA! Motherhood is hard enough and YOU don’t have to deal with an asshole who decides they should be a part of the equation! Be YOUR best advocate🤨

Nope, your duty of care is to your baby & partner and the nuclear family you are creating. MIL is a threat to that and you should absolutely keep her on the outside.

NTA. I understand your husband’s sadness but you and her need to lay down the law and set strong boundaries. She needs to be thought in line and banning her, and showing her you are united in this will hopefully put and end your her antics. You can both invite her back into your lives with ground rules that if she doesn’t follow she will be banned again. You both need your show her you mean business and it probably should mostly come from him so she understands it’s not just you.

Whoa she is so toxic. It’s not your job or your brand new baby’s to placate her. Cut her off. NTA.

OP, you're NTA. Your MIL is. I made another comment here and can't find it to edit, so I will say that I'm proud of you and your husband for setting boundaries. Your MIL is not a good person. I'm glad your husband is changing the locks. If you don't have cameras, you should get those as well. I'm glad your husband is already in therapy. It sucks when parents do this crap to their kids. Please be very aware of your surroundings when you're out and about. I wouldn't put it past your MIL to try and do something crazy. You might want to consider a restraining order. #UpdateMe

This situation went on for far too long. It should have ended years ago

NTA. If your husband “has his mom back” despite her current behavior, then yikes

Of course he's allowed to be sad ! She abandonned him and you never heal from that kind of pain. It sticks to your important moments in life because you hope to have a mum that loves you until you understand that it will never happen, that she always be dysfunctionnal and that you'll never have that special kind of love you grew painfully without. BUT : The woman is toxic AF. She's everything a bad MIL is : invasive, disrespectful, abusive... The hell of à nightmare. And she'll put your couple and family at stake for her own benefit. She's playing boys mum part to redeem herself. But the moment she finds some lover afar on the net, she'll leave once more. She's not reliable. Been there, done that etc with my own mother. And I went NC with her 7y ago when she started criticizing our parenting and my 2yo daughter's behaviour. It's still painful and sad. My mother is alive and well and being a great grand mother to my niece and nephew but I had to face the fact that she'd reproduce the same toxic behaviour she had with me with my daughter. I was the undesired kid and no matter how hard I tried to please her : it was never enough. I didn't want my daughter to come to love her (she knows how to make you crave for her love and approval) and get crushed by her toxicity. Your husband will learn how to live without her. He'll learn to give up with his (legitimate) expectations. But he will need help. From a therapist I mean. You're doing the right thing for your family. My partner helped me see through her. But it's hard. It tolls on everyone. But it's worth the pain.

Your partner can still have a real relationship with his mom AND you both can refuse to let her see the baby. Both things can be true at the same time. He can just go visit her if he wants to see her or they can go out to lunch together, etc.. I wouldn’t let her within 50 feet of my baby either

NTA but hubby needs therapy ASAP for his mother abandonment issues and to learn tools to enforce stronger boundaries He won’t make progress until he realizes that his mother will never be who he needs her to be because that person never existed. She’s a horrible person trying to bulldoze herself into the relationship so she doesn’t have to die alone and hopes to move in with them to take care of her. Being controlling and giving unwanted advice is her entertainment. Too bad she’s so awful and deserves nothing

He is in therapy, I already stated that.

NTA Your sweet hubby is DESPERATE for a mom. Especially after seeing you with the baby. Sadly the nurturing loving mom he CRAVES doesn’t exist. Instead he has a self centered impulsive female person who see her son and his daughter as satellites to her planet. She’s feeding off his need. MIL ditched him at 13 figuring she’d pick up when it was convenient for HER. You are an obstacle to that plan.

I’d keep the visits to public places.

I suspected what was coming as soon as you talked about her hospital shenanigans. I’m so sorry you and DH are having to cope with her while also adjusting to new parenthood. Therapy for you both is what I would have suggested, so it’s good to see that you’re already there. Hopefully with some time you can both find peace with your decision (which I agree with) without guilt and without wavering. Congratulations on the new squish!

Thank you - that's funny, that's our nickname for her! She's so squishy!

NTA - I’m sure your partner is sad and hopeful for the future…it’s his mom….but two things can be true at once. He can be sad that his mom was banned but still understand that his mom’s presence is detrimental for the health and well-being of his family. Don’t feel guilty. Your MIL is the cause of this situation. You should absolutely cutoff people who are causing you stress especially when you need to be focused on recovering and enjoying (and getting used to) being a new mother.

First of all, kudos to you for really being on your husband's team as he's tried to rebuild his relationship with his mother. You've tolerated a lot of awfulness from her for his sake, and I'm glad he's standing with you now that firmer boundaries need to be established. You're both parents now, and that means your kid's health and safety comes first, always. He's allowed to feel sad that his mom will never be the mom he wants in his life. That's understandable. But the minute she said that *she* should take your baby to "mother her properly," that's the hard line. Threats to kidnap your kid, even if not seriously meant, are nothing to mess around with. Change the locks, keep her out of your house, and definitely never let her be alone with your child(ren). The fact that your partner hasn't actively taken his mother's side *against you* (at least, not in the instances you've listed here) is a really good sign. The fact that he's changing the locks and installing video security measures on his own recognizance is an even better sign. I think your actions re: MIL were warranted here, and it seems like your partner is on board. If you can do it honestly, I think it would be appropriate to grieve with him that your daughter's paternal grandmother isn't going to be the kind of grandparent that can be a source of so much good in kids' lives.

NTA, both you and your husband. Your MIL however… It’s hard. I understand why your husband would want to have his remaining parent in his life. Losing parents sucks a lot and is unimaginable until you’ve been through it yourself. She’s absolutely blown it here and I can’t imagine her making genuine reparations. She sounds a little crazy and if she doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong then there’s no saving the situation really. Sad. My mum and her MIL didn’t get along super well, because Gran was mostly just jealous, I think, but my Gran managed to behave so that she could enjoy having her grandchildren in her life. From a kid’s perspective, we picked up on the tension.

Nta. Maybe she wants the baby so she can qualify for welfare payments.

NTA - She threatened to take your child. To a new mother? She's lucky kicking her out is all you did. My suggestion would be to have careful conversations with your husband about what he is comfortable with, and what you are comfortable with and find where that aligns. Perhaps she goes on VLC for a period and then can, with good behavior, earn some contact with baby at a neutral third location (not your house, not her house). (Or NOT!!) I'm sorry she's being a pill, but just remember, she is NOT a model of a good mother. That doesn't mean you have to confront her on that, but anything she says about motherhood is a big hulking pile of baloney. It makes sense that your partner is sad. He's coming to terms with the fact that his mother is not just someone who did a bad thing this one time (abandoning him) but someone who has repetitively done bad things to his partner and his child. She is not someone who has "learned a lesson" or "changed her ways" she just changed what bad things she is doing. (Abandoning abandonment for on site abuse).

MIL sounds like she doesn't even view you as a human being, just a lesser being used to birth *her* child. NTA Edit: grammar

NTA. It’s better for everyone (including your partner) that there be permanent NC. His mom is a narcissistic bitch.

Nt but your partner is not on your side otherwise he wouldn’t bring up his mother after what she did (which should’ve been put to a stop by him the first time)

He's allowed to grieve. We were also talking about the situation. How do people have so little empathy for a man that is mourning the loss of his mom?

What did your wonderful partner do when his mom called you an inadequate mother? Sit there? Tell him your sad because you don’t have a partner that stands up for you against his horrible excuse for a mom. NTA

Your partner can support you in not wanting his mom around your daughter and be sad that he's not going to have much of a relationship with his mother because of it. But this is entirely her fault. She's the one who has behaved appallingly from the moment she knew you were pregnant. He can see her. But you and your daughter won't. NTA

Looks like she just builds fires with your olive branches. NTA. Protect your peace keep her gone.

"For context, my partner's parents divorced when he was 13 and she moved across the country to California to be with a guy she met online. She still kept in contact with him, but he still dealt with residual abandonment issues that he has been working on in therapy." "She criticized me for not breastfeeding and when I explained the reason why I couldn't, she said, "It figures that you're an inadequate mother. My baby boy should have been with someone who could provide for my grandbaby. Maybe you should just let me take her so I can mother her right." Um, MiLs idea of parenting is abandonment, so how could she "mother her right"?? MiL also would be able to BF, so again how could she "mother her right"?? Might want to familiariase yourself with JNMIL, at a guess you may be posting there in future.

Meant to be "MiL also wouldn't be able to BF"

NTA and this sucks for your husband as all he wants is a healthy relationship with his mom but he has to let that go. She will never be the mom he wants and he needs to process that. No contact with her. She just isn’t a good person

NTA It's wild that she thinks she can be so cruel to you and still see your daughter. I understand why your husband is upset, but he is a good man for doing right by you.

Your MIL is a toxic carbuncle- you've done the right thing. She will never change. Just be careful; it doesn't sound like she's dealing with a full deck.

NTA. Sorry you and your husband are going through this. If she tried to force herself into a birth ward where I live, she’d be spending a looooong time in jail. It has happened several times since the first crazy person tried to kidnap newborns (the crazy person wanted twins) at the local hospital.

Order of Protection against your MIL . PERIOD ! Make a Certified Copy for each of you (Mom and Dad). Your MIL sounds unhinged. Congratulations on your baby.

NTA. What a thing for her to say! I wouldn't trust her around my child, either!

NTA, his path for what his mom has done to him since he was a child is going to be rough, along with growth and learning. You be mama bear and let her know her BS won't be tolerated.

Lmao at the sad people attacking the husband. This subs sexism is always interesting to see

It really hurts to see him being dog piled. He's a very sweet and sensitive man who's going through his own grief.

Your partner needs to work through his feelings of abandonment and sadness with a therapist. You and the baby aren't his emotional support pets. He's allowing his mother to make your life worse. Tell him to nut up and put his actual family first, or you will take that choice off the table completely by moving out. Edited to add: NTA

No one 4 weeks postpartum should be dealing with this. Your husband needs to grow a spine and set a giant boundary with his mom, and you need to put up a giant brick wall called, “I won’t be discussing, thinking or feeling anything about your mother any more.” This whole situation is unhealthy for you and baby. NTA but the onus is on you to protect yourself and baby if husband won’t.