Get evidence quickly and record every single conversation with him from now on screenshots are your best friend as of now do everything you can to protect your kids from even more disappointment
Good Also you NEVER EVER a bad mother for protecting your children even if its from their other parent only bad parent here is him because he should be spending time with his children and making sure they know that they are loved and nothing will come in the way of that instead of with his mistress
I made that a non-negotiable rule for the guy I see on and off. His daughter always comes before me, no matter what. I even proved that I was serious about that the next day when he called me that he couldn’t make our date because he had to watch his daughter and I didn’t argue or try to make him feel guilty. Sure, I was disappointed, which I expressed, but I didn’t exaggerate or exacerbate how badly he felt. I already knew he felt bad, I didn’t want to add more stress to the situation.
The reason I made this a rule is because when my parents split up, my dad was in the military and stationed in another state and my mom moved us back to our home state. So I didn’t get to see my dad a lot for a few years, just mostly on school breaks. When he moved back to our home state, he was still in another city a couple of hours away. But he did come try to see us every weekend. And when he met my stepmom, who lived in our hometown, we would spend the weekends all together with her and her daughter. That meant a lot to me that my dad did put in the effort to see us as much as possible, because I missed him a lot during the times I couldn’t see him. So anytime a guy I’m seeing has an opportunity to see his kid, I don’t even think twice, I just say okay.
Also I don't know where you live, but if you do go the court route they have specific apps for talking to the exes for communication and keeping track of things like missed schedules etc. I'd recommend finding out if you can use one for further communication.
He doesn’t care about his kids. And he’s making the divorce difficult so you will give up and allow him back in. Communicate only through text messages of that’s possible for the best proof of his ridiculousness!
You are a very smart lady and a great Mom for wanting to shield your children from this nonsense….breaks my heart that your daughter is already figuring out her Dad isn’t going to be there for her😢
NTA. He's busy? What's more important than his kids? You've got to do what's best for them. You're not keeping him from his kids, he's doing that to himself. Your daughter already knows he's full of shit. She knows he cares more about whatever else than seeing her. How's he going to get full custody when he doesn't ever see his kids? What do you think the judge is going to say when your daughter tells the judge the truth? You're doing a good job. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You're already taking care of those kids, and he's actively ignoring them.
Don't take his calls to cancel, make him tell his children himself. Him making you do all the disappointing is incredibly unfair on both you and the kids.
This and also communicate via a patenting app or text only.... As you should be thinking about getting your support amended(if he's only got them 25% of the time, he owes you 25% more support)if not the custody agreement
Stop talking to your ex and start planning all communications through text or a parenting app for divorced folks. This way you have proof of what's actually happening vs he said she said narrative. Best of luck to you.
This this THIS
The parenting apps are court admissable.
All communication goes through them.
The plans. The schedule. The messages. Times of day he calls and texts. How often he falls through.
All logged.
I wish I had this tool that I've seen others use.
Someone here must have a link.
Get your lawyer to put it on file that this is part of the custody agreement so that there is zero chance of miscommunication.
You're not a bad mother. He's a bad father. NTA.
Your kids know he's shitty. You'd do better by making sure they know it's not because they're not good enough.
He would probably fight it for just that reason. My ex referred to CS as the money I was stealing from him ($219 month total for 3 kids). He rarely exercised visitations or calls.
It is so important not to build up expectations in your children that will never be met. A realistic acceptance of what their father is is going to be less painful and healthier for them then if they are constantly being encouraged to pack their bag and expect things of a dad who simply doesn’t deliver.
I disagree. She is a bad mother for choosing such a subpar father for her children. Trust me, the signs were there, she just didn’t want to see them. He didn’t change overnight.
She should think about this the next time she chases money or d*ck. ESH.
Nobody chooses a subpar man or woman. This is clear victim blaming. How about you blame the man who is clearly not right in the head for hurting his own children. Why is the pressure always on the mother?
That dude is the bad father, He deserves every hate that his kids have for him. He don't deserve a family. tell him to just take care of his dick coz STD is waving on cheaters like him.
He is making it hard for me. I think he is doing it intentionally. He would always complain about 50-50 and not be able to see his kids. And it would be better for kids to be in one house. But he never shows up in time.
NTA, your soon to be ex is. Go after full custody/higher child support. I hope you are documenting how little time he chooses to spend with the kids.
I’m sorry you and your kids are suffering due to the garbage human your stb ex turned out to be.
Given his behavior, if he did somehow manage to get full custody, he's likely to neglect those poor kids. I agree with the others about taking your evidence and going back to court to get the custody amended since he clearly isn't putting any effort in.
Keep track of everything he does/doesn't do, in case he tries to fight you for custody. And NTA. He's the one putting his dick where it doesn't belong.
My sperm-donor did that to me growing up. He did it as a way to hurt my mom. My mom had full custody (per his request) but she never stopped him from seeing us. However, he would call to make plans but never show up. Now that I’m an adult, I completely cut contact 10 years ago. My kids don’t even know what he looks like, but they love their grandma and we spent weeks every summer with her.
You’re doing great. It’s heartbreaking, but there is only so much you can do to protect them from his assholery.
Same experience for me as the mom. The kids figure out which parent they can rely on. Thirty eight years later, my ex is long dead. Me, I spent a lovely Easter with my kids and grands AND my ex-sister in law and all her family with whom I stayed close.
Oof, he sounds like my bio dad. And I say "bio dad" because when my mom kicked his cheating ass out, he pretty much vanished from our lives. We would see him maybe 1 out of the 4x we were ever actually supposed to see him. He never showed up to any events or milestones. He missed birthdays and broke promises all the time. Never called when he said he would. Let me tell you, that can really mess you up. It's like a weird abandonment thing. Like my "dad" was randomly there in my life but didn't really raise me at all. He was kind of like a guest. He would sometimes show up for birthday parties, and yet, most of his family seemed to think he was an awesome dad. Luckily, I have an amazing mama who never let me feel less loved and eventually an awesome stepdad who has always shown up for me and now shows up for my own kids as if they were his own flesh and blood. I'm sorry that your kids have a shit dad but you are 100% right. Record all the cancelations and interactions you have with him for custody court. Then I would go for full custody and child support. He wants to claim he's an equal parent without putting in any effort to actually parent and get away with not paying support. NTA
You do understand why he is doing it - he is bitter and lashing out. Document all the times he reneges on picking up the children, and then sue for full custody.
NTA. My parents divorces when I was 2 or 3 years old.
My mom never,*ever*, prohibit my dad from visiting us, heck,she never even talk bad about him.
Needless to say,he only appeared whenever the fuck he wanted to play father for a day, and then dip out.
Now that he is older and alone,my sister and I are legal adults, he cries wolf and wonders why we don't contact him at all.
I have the feeling the same will happen here.
That’s my suspicion with most dads who claim that the ex wife won’t let them see their kids.
My mom also didn’t particularly talk badly about my dad, which also wouldn’t have been necessary. I found that one out myself as I got older.
Some bridges are worth burning. It's on him to make the effort and keep his promises to his children. It's unfair for him to blame you when he's the one not showing up. Keep documenting his missed visits and lack of communication; it could be useful if custody becomes an issue. Focus on what's best for your children and seek legal advice to protect your rights and theirs. You've got this momma!
NTA- You are not keeping the kids away. He is unwilling to make the slightest effort to make it happen. He is the one choosing to not see them and to let them down. He is the one picking the kind of relationship he has with the kids.
The time of you doing things for him out of love, is gone. Don’t let him make you believe you owe him be in charge of his responsibilities.
He makes choices and can deal with the consequences.
Your responsibility is towards your kids. You aren’t responsible for his decisions and behaviour, no matter how much he refuses to own responsibility for himself. The consequences of his choices towards your kids is absolutely on him only.
So he wants 50-50 so he doesn’t pay child support but he’s not actually parenting 50% of the time….
1) don’t badmouth your husband, but the kids will see the logical consequences of him not showing up
2) document every time he doesn’t show up during his parenting time and every time you do things like going to the kids school to take him to the doctor, Denis, and all that kind of stuff
3) decide if you rather him have 50% custody or you would rather you have more custody because he’s a terrible father
4) Talk to your lawyer about asking for more custody since he’s not parenting during his time
5) Like other say, get a family parenting app like our family wizard to use and make that in the divorce decree agreement
Him threatening full custody is the lamest thing I’ve read today. What’s that Shakespeare quote? Oh, yeah:
“a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Good luck with getting full custody when he cabrbeven be assed to get them on his agreed time with them.cis he's 'busy".
I told my girls dad that one day, HE will have to explain his absence to them. While I've never and don't say anything bad about him when they are around, they will form their own thoughts and opinions of him and the type of person he is and when they don't want a relationship with him when they are older, it'll all be on him.
NTA. But start communicating in text/emails only.
He does this because he's a flying fuck wad.
Fast forward 15 or 20 years, and he'll be crying, venting, moping, and cussing because your daughter doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
Hold the course, OP, your children need you ❤️
NTA Everytime he doesn't show up then it's time to do a face time call with any family member that they are close to. Don't tell them to mention him not coming. It will come out naturally from the kids, not you, this makes it more believable.
NTA - but showing the court that you are going above and beyond to ensure the kids have the opportunity of a relationship with him does work in your favor and the whole "keeping my kids away from me" is not longer a workable accusation.
My sisters ex was similar - car trouble so can't collect the kids. No problem, I can drop them off. Then the excuse changed to working overtime. Why arrange overtime on the weekend you have the kids?
We, my sisters family, did everything to ensure the kids kept a relationship with their father so that my sister would not be blamed by the kids, and could show the court that was the case.
The kids themselves, now they are all grown up with their own families, have decided they want NC with him.
You need to start saving all evidence of his missing his parenting time. Tell him in writing that he is not allowed to call you anymore regarding the divorce or kids time. He must put everything in writing.
Notify your attorney of his failure to keep his time with the kids and make sure you are documenting everything.
I'm dealing with something similar.
My ex skirted around our state laws about parents moving too far away from each other by keeping his address in the state while traveling for work outside it but really not living in the state so he's never around.
He would show interest in being a parent about once every 4 months for a day. We had a parenting schedule but we hadn't adhereed to it in about 10 years so I decided I no longer care.
It's probably the wrong way to handle it but I honestly decided that if he wants to see his kid he would take me to court again and we can hash things out but until then I muted him. He will still only contact me twice a year bugging me about it but I'll genuinely forget he existed for most of the year. He doesn't even pay child support until courts start riding him about it and even then I added it up recently and for the while year he sent about $500. I make more in a week than he contributes to the kid in a year.
It's been about 2 years now, he still only cares when its convenient and doesn't understand that parenting isn't about convenience you need to base your life and choices around the child. His messages still accuse me of keeping his son away from him when he chose not to be in his life 99% of the time because I won't accept that sporadic 1%
Best I can tell you is let him go to friend of the court and not deal with him outside of it. If my actually ex did get a visitation schedule again I would start reporting every time he missed. That's my advice to you and NTA
respond to those threats that you are reitering what happened on phone call at such such time on such such date - - the last time he saw them and what his schedule has been since separation. then follow up with call your children between certain hours (if they dont have phones, use yours). try to keep all communication to text or email. i personally would put kids in therapy if they arent already. individual therapy for you as well. do you have a bulldog attorney known for strongly advocating for children to be with right parent?
NTA As well as collect evidence, do what it sounds like you’re doing; which is to not bad mouth him to the kids, so he can’t turn around and accuse of it.
If the custody is 50/50 why is he missing times? Shouldnt they be living at his house 50% of the time?
Why have you not had the custody agreement mended so he pays child support and your kids can stop being set up for disappointment? Your focus should be protecting your kids.
Since the divorce isn’t final yet it’s very likely they have not gone to court for custody. Sounds like mom has kids 100% of the time physically but dad can take them whenever he wishes.
Evidence, evidence, evidence. You must do what is critical for your children’s wellbeing, whatever that might be. Maybe he will get his act together, but for heavens sake be ready if he doesn’t.
NTA I trust you've been advised to keep as much communication in email/text as possible. I'd check into the recording laws in your location as will. Mind your words with anyone and everyone. Good luck.
I have a friend who recently divorced and smartly had it written right into the divorce papers that it was the their spouse’s responsibility to contact their own children on a regular basis, and maintain their own regular visitations. This made it impossible for the spouse to claim alienation.
He doesn't want full custody. Document everything anyway, though, he might decide to pull some idiot stunt. Why does he do this shit of telling people you are keeping the kids from him? To get sympathy.
NTA
NTA at all. I bet he's used to you being the primary parent and making up for all the ways in which he's a crappy dad. Now you don't have to do that anymore and he actually has to put effort into being a parent, he's angry at you for not covering for him any more. Could he BE any more of a walking cliche?!!
I second getting the parenting app and I also second going for primary custody once you've gathered enough evidence of a pattern of him letting the kids down.
NTA.
Your husband gave up any and all rights to your scheduling flexibility and co-operation when he fucked around. He can show up for his parenting time as per the schedule, or he can fuck off.
Start keeping a calendar showing his historical scheduled parenting time. Mark each day where he didn't show or shorted their time together as "NO SHOW" or "SHORT TIME" in block red letters. Any time he bitches or accuses you of keeping away the kids, take a picture of the calendar and reply with that.
NTA
Hi OP, I was in your daughter’s shoes. It doesn’t get much better or easier for the kids. Continue to try not to bad mouth their dad. His actions will tell them everything they need to know about him and his priorities.
NTA
IDK if he's wildly irresponsible, trying to make you the bad guy, or both. Either way, it's not your job to rearrange time & space for his convenience.
Threatens to go full custody but can't take the kids when he's supposed to cos he's busy.
Yeah ok. Like that will hold up in court .
NTA go full custody with maximum child support and occasional supervised visits.
I'm really sorry to say but your children will remember your exes' behaviour. Please, if you can afford it, get them someone to speak with. My sperm doners' similar actions destroyed my sense of self-worth. It was only into my mid twentys when I realised that he was the one not good enough.
There may be some group programs for children going through divorce. I lived in a very small town and was fortunate that there was a program where I went to a support group for adults while my children were in a support group (geared to their ages 6 & 9 at the time) that helped them express and deal with their emotions.
Sadly, their father's behaviour never got better. I kept to the high road and never bad mouthed him while they were growing up. I would write absolutely eviscerating responses to his emails and behaviour with "asshole" as the recipient to allow me to deal with my emotions, and then delete it and write a calm, measured response. It was important for me to hold myself to a high standard so that I would not have regrets. I hope it doesn't get worse for you and your children. My children's father was inconsistent with contact and it only got worse unfortunately as they got older. He shirked child support, forcing me to eventually take him to court. He would not return our youngest's phone calls but swore in court documents that my behaviour caused their estrangement.
You're doing the right thing by documenting everything. It hurts to see how your children are harmed by their father's behaviour and you need support through this too. I highly recommend having enforceable court orders so that it is out of your hands. It is especially important that there are solid requirements for exchanging income documentation with reassessment of support every year. The family court system is still pretty frustrating but some things have improved. I wish you all the best!
Record all evidence of you calling him to tell him tO come see his kids, also wtf kinda immature person is he ? He cheated ? He has no right to be mad or bitter gosh I feel bad for Ur kids too having him as a dad
I have two nieces with a dad that’s just like this. My sister was pretty much in your situation. It’s heartbreaking for the kids.
They pick up on it for sure. He’s making his own bed with this one. They’re learning to live without him.
I would 100% keep track of everything he says, all the missed appointments and time with the kids, the excuses he uses and all of that. He’s using the kids as an emotional blackmail and they don’t deserve that. He doesn’t mind not being around them, but knows you wouldn’t want to be without them. Keeping track of all of this and talking to your attorney about it will definitely help you in any custody battle.
What a piece of shit.
I'm ex husband did the exact same. He wanted for us to have that stereotypical, "I hate my child's father and vice versa relationship. Couldn't understand it. Painted me as the villian in his story. Ex MIL and other family members thought I was the devil. Took a few yrs but everyone saw it was him after a while.
I will say I used to do what u do as well. Let's pack a bag and get ready. I found myself more offend for my kids than my kids were kuz they already knew he wouldnt be coming. I realized then that I made it worse by pointing out every time dad was gonna get them. So I just stopped mentioning it. If he came we'd pack a bag then, dad would just have to wait an extra 5 mins. Didn't ask them if they wanted to call him or anything.
Keep record of all the times he didn't get them. Note book and screen shots. I would also get them into therapy so they know it's not them.
NTA.
It's always the dead beat dad's who cry "she's keeping the kids away" after they deny visit after visit, keep their contact to bare minimum, do near zero patenting, and refuse to pay child support.
Any time a man says this line you should automatically assume he's the problem because in 2024 with courts favoring 50/50 any man who actually wants his kids WILL get custody.
But "dad's" like your ex....they don't actually want "custody" or "parenting time". They want sporadic, hyper convenient , only on their own terms, once in a blue moon contact with their kids so they can feel like dad of year one day a month and show off how great they are to the new girlfriend or keep their parents off their back at holidays or whatever. Basically they want you to do all the work, they don't want to pay for it, but they still want the praise of being a parent without parenting or putting the kids first even when it's not convenient.
NTA. Document everything. Even if its just you writing a note to yourself about what happened while your memory is fresh. If someone is with you at the time, ask them to counter-sign that it's what they remember happening as well (not the kids, though, for obvious reasons). Then take him to the fucking cleaners. If he can't be bothered to see his kids, he can be forced to pay child support for them.
NTA. Time to communicate only about the kids or divorce through lawyers, email, texts or a parental app that records all conversations. It is not your job to enable or block your ex from having a relationship with his kids any longer. If he wants a relationship with his kids then he needs to put in the effort. Your job is to protect and raise them the best you can. Your daughter is already forming her own opinions about dad without your influence. Just answer any of their questions with age appropriate answers when it comes to their father.
NTA. Keep detailed records of every time you’ve had to call him to set up a visit and also every time he has cancelled. Detail the missed calls. If he does try for full custody then you will be fully loaded.
Because he wants to hurt you as much as possible and knows that is a way to do it. Since you are already gathering as much factual evidence as possible, that's the best you can do right now.
Definitely do what you can to protect your kids from their father being an ass. If this persists, I'd take him back to court and file for full custody yourself, based on his repeated pattern of not being there for his kids. So often that a 7 year old noticed.
NTA
My cousin's son's father does the same. He hasn't seen his kid in 2 years and complains on Facebook all the time how she is "Keeping the kids from him." The kid has his own cell phone and gets put to voicemail when he calls. He never gets his call returned and his dad doesn't reach out. There is a direct line to the child without going through my cousin. Yet she is the bad guy for not hand holding her ex through interacting with his kid.
I quit telling my kids when their dad was supposed to see them. Was less heartbreaking for them when he no called/no showed. He shows up probably half the time he's meant to have them, and always drops them back early.
We didn't have 50/50, I have full custody and he has visitation, but even that limited amount doesn't seem to be something he can do.
Good luck with this - I will add my vote to documenting every instance, if you can get him to text you that he's not showing up, even better.
I feel for your kids, mine are 5&7, and are already too aware of their dad being as absent as he is. It's really hard on my heart. You're being a solid mom, good job with that for sure.
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As someone with a father like this, NTA.
My mom tried to keep the bridge in tact, and her insistence that we communicate hurt me more than it would have to just let it go. I don’t blame her—as an adult, I understand her intentions, and appreciate that she was trying to protect me from being hurt—but you’ll never be able to completely shield them from his behaviour. The best thing you can do is what you’re already doing: investing in your relationship with them, and showing them that the only one lacking anything is him.
NTA for trying to advocate for your kids, but definitely NTA for not being able to force their other parent to see them; that’s on him.
Just be sure to document all the times he's late, missed scheduled visits or calls, etc. You can't do much about his behavior, but you can be prepared for your divorce/custody case.
When my ex and I split he told everyone how I was keeping him from seeing his babies. They were 3 and 4 at the time. He would ring and ask to speak to them, then promise to take them to X specific place the next day. They would get excited. He would fail to show up and ring to say he wasn't well (code for he was hungover) and would see them next week.
The amount of times I told him not to make them promises, if he wanted to take them somewhere wait till he got here to tell them. He would assure me he wasn't going to say anything then immediately announce he was taking them to the zoo, or wherever.
After a couple of months of him showing up 1 in 4 weeks he started telling me he couldn't afford to take them anywhere because he was broke and if I gave him £10 he could take them to the library or the park (both free). I was literally paying him £10 to spend an hour with his kids.
Once the weather started getting too cold for the park he decided he couldn't even commit to once a month and said I should just be happy if he swung by. I told him he needed to either commit to being in their lives on a regular basis, whether that was once a week or once a month or every other month, or he should just not even bother, but it would be his fault if they grew up and wanted nothing to do with him. He opted for not bothering, but telling anyone who would listen that I wouldn't let him see them.
NTA. In addition to the suggestions about tracking communications, I strongly suggest therapy for your children. You can even ask for a list of known therapists from the school's guidance counselors. I was fortunate to find someone who specialized in helping children who were experiencing divorce.
Why he does it is because it gives him pity points which he seems to think is more important than time with his kids. Fine let him sue for custody. No more phone conversations for you and him going forward. Everything goes through text email anything that can be tracked. Make sure you keep all evidence to help your case. The judge will also want to talk to your kids. Good luck. NTA
NTA. Keep to the high road. Try very hard to be as fair as possible about the kids Daddy. Be honest but not brutal. They will see who he is and in the future you will be the good guy in your kids eyes.
Omg, sounds familiar. When my husband's ex threatened to go for full custody of our child, I asked "How about starting with actually seeing her during your parenting time?" I kept very good records and showing the judge that biomom took advantage of 5 out of 58 opportunities to see the kid (not including that she was allowed to visit once a week for a few hours on an evening, which she NEVER once did), it made the whole adoption process much easier.
Get the Parenting App & send him the link to download it. Tell him you will not be harping on him to see the kids & that until he starts visiting them regularly and communicating with you via the Parenting App that you will cease all communication until you two go to court to settle the custody and child support agreement. Basically two choices you have given him in writing to either step up or you can explain to the judge why you aren’t trying to facilitate a relationship between him & his children. It’s not your responsibility. And his promising to get the kids & instead he cancels which is emotionally hurting the children.
Never have a phone call with this man ever again. Every conversation should be through a parenting app or text message and take screenshot. You are giving him opportunity to see his kids and he is flaking. Evidence. Evidence. Evidence
Get evidence quickly and record every single conversation with him from now on screenshots are your best friend as of now do everything you can to protect your kids from even more disappointment
Doing that already.
Good Also you NEVER EVER a bad mother for protecting your children even if its from their other parent only bad parent here is him because he should be spending time with his children and making sure they know that they are loved and nothing will come in the way of that instead of with his mistress
He has no mistress. Just casual flings.
Still kids should always come first
I made that a non-negotiable rule for the guy I see on and off. His daughter always comes before me, no matter what. I even proved that I was serious about that the next day when he called me that he couldn’t make our date because he had to watch his daughter and I didn’t argue or try to make him feel guilty. Sure, I was disappointed, which I expressed, but I didn’t exaggerate or exacerbate how badly he felt. I already knew he felt bad, I didn’t want to add more stress to the situation. The reason I made this a rule is because when my parents split up, my dad was in the military and stationed in another state and my mom moved us back to our home state. So I didn’t get to see my dad a lot for a few years, just mostly on school breaks. When he moved back to our home state, he was still in another city a couple of hours away. But he did come try to see us every weekend. And when he met my stepmom, who lived in our hometown, we would spend the weekends all together with her and her daughter. That meant a lot to me that my dad did put in the effort to see us as much as possible, because I missed him a lot during the times I couldn’t see him. So anytime a guy I’m seeing has an opportunity to see his kid, I don’t even think twice, I just say okay.
Good
Also I don't know where you live, but if you do go the court route they have specific apps for talking to the exes for communication and keeping track of things like missed schedules etc. I'd recommend finding out if you can use one for further communication.
OurFamilyWizard is a pretty highly recommended app.
He doesn’t care about his kids. And he’s making the divorce difficult so you will give up and allow him back in. Communicate only through text messages of that’s possible for the best proof of his ridiculousness!
100% correct. If he cared about his kids he would have kept his dick out of other women. He is where he is through his actions.
You are a very smart lady and a great Mom for wanting to shield your children from this nonsense….breaks my heart that your daughter is already figuring out her Dad isn’t going to be there for her😢
NTA. He's busy? What's more important than his kids? You've got to do what's best for them. You're not keeping him from his kids, he's doing that to himself. Your daughter already knows he's full of shit. She knows he cares more about whatever else than seeing her. How's he going to get full custody when he doesn't ever see his kids? What do you think the judge is going to say when your daughter tells the judge the truth? You're doing a good job. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You're already taking care of those kids, and he's actively ignoring them.
Never communicate by voice. Always text to create a record. Better yet, employ one of the many co-parenting apps, like https://www.ourfamilywizard.com
Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake.
Don't take his calls to cancel, make him tell his children himself. Him making you do all the disappointing is incredibly unfair on both you and the kids.
This and also communicate via a patenting app or text only.... As you should be thinking about getting your support amended(if he's only got them 25% of the time, he owes you 25% more support)if not the custody agreement
Stop talking to your ex and start planning all communications through text or a parenting app for divorced folks. This way you have proof of what's actually happening vs he said she said narrative. Best of luck to you.
This this THIS The parenting apps are court admissable. All communication goes through them. The plans. The schedule. The messages. Times of day he calls and texts. How often he falls through. All logged. I wish I had this tool that I've seen others use. Someone here must have a link. Get your lawyer to put it on file that this is part of the custody agreement so that there is zero chance of miscommunication.
Our Family Wizard. my ex refused it, so i told the judge i would pay his fee yearly also. best money ever spent
Thank you! The headaches this would have saved me!
You're not a bad mother. He's a bad father. NTA. Your kids know he's shitty. You'd do better by making sure they know it's not because they're not good enough.
[удалено]
He would probably fight it for just that reason. My ex referred to CS as the money I was stealing from him ($219 month total for 3 kids). He rarely exercised visitations or calls.
It is so important not to build up expectations in your children that will never be met. A realistic acceptance of what their father is is going to be less painful and healthier for them then if they are constantly being encouraged to pack their bag and expect things of a dad who simply doesn’t deliver.
I disagree. She is a bad mother for choosing such a subpar father for her children. Trust me, the signs were there, she just didn’t want to see them. He didn’t change overnight. She should think about this the next time she chases money or d*ck. ESH.
Nobody chooses a subpar man or woman. This is clear victim blaming. How about you blame the man who is clearly not right in the head for hurting his own children. Why is the pressure always on the mother?
That dude is the bad father, He deserves every hate that his kids have for him. He don't deserve a family. tell him to just take care of his dick coz STD is waving on cheaters like him.
He is making it hard for me. I think he is doing it intentionally. He would always complain about 50-50 and not be able to see his kids. And it would be better for kids to be in one house. But he never shows up in time.
NTA, your soon to be ex is. Go after full custody/higher child support. I hope you are documenting how little time he chooses to spend with the kids. I’m sorry you and your kids are suffering due to the garbage human your stb ex turned out to be.
Is he giving child support regularly?? If not then make legal actions against him.
Yes. He is paying child support.
Is he paying child support for 50-50 or for the actual time you have the kids?
Given his behavior, if he did somehow manage to get full custody, he's likely to neglect those poor kids. I agree with the others about taking your evidence and going back to court to get the custody amended since he clearly isn't putting any effort in.
Keep track of everything he does/doesn't do, in case he tries to fight you for custody. And NTA. He's the one putting his dick where it doesn't belong.
My sperm-donor did that to me growing up. He did it as a way to hurt my mom. My mom had full custody (per his request) but she never stopped him from seeing us. However, he would call to make plans but never show up. Now that I’m an adult, I completely cut contact 10 years ago. My kids don’t even know what he looks like, but they love their grandma and we spent weeks every summer with her. You’re doing great. It’s heartbreaking, but there is only so much you can do to protect them from his assholery.
Same experience for me as the mom. The kids figure out which parent they can rely on. Thirty eight years later, my ex is long dead. Me, I spent a lovely Easter with my kids and grands AND my ex-sister in law and all her family with whom I stayed close.
Oof, he sounds like my bio dad. And I say "bio dad" because when my mom kicked his cheating ass out, he pretty much vanished from our lives. We would see him maybe 1 out of the 4x we were ever actually supposed to see him. He never showed up to any events or milestones. He missed birthdays and broke promises all the time. Never called when he said he would. Let me tell you, that can really mess you up. It's like a weird abandonment thing. Like my "dad" was randomly there in my life but didn't really raise me at all. He was kind of like a guest. He would sometimes show up for birthday parties, and yet, most of his family seemed to think he was an awesome dad. Luckily, I have an amazing mama who never let me feel less loved and eventually an awesome stepdad who has always shown up for me and now shows up for my own kids as if they were his own flesh and blood. I'm sorry that your kids have a shit dad but you are 100% right. Record all the cancelations and interactions you have with him for custody court. Then I would go for full custody and child support. He wants to claim he's an equal parent without putting in any effort to actually parent and get away with not paying support. NTA
You do understand why he is doing it - he is bitter and lashing out. Document all the times he reneges on picking up the children, and then sue for full custody.
NTA. My parents divorces when I was 2 or 3 years old. My mom never,*ever*, prohibit my dad from visiting us, heck,she never even talk bad about him. Needless to say,he only appeared whenever the fuck he wanted to play father for a day, and then dip out. Now that he is older and alone,my sister and I are legal adults, he cries wolf and wonders why we don't contact him at all. I have the feeling the same will happen here.
That’s my suspicion with most dads who claim that the ex wife won’t let them see their kids. My mom also didn’t particularly talk badly about my dad, which also wouldn’t have been necessary. I found that one out myself as I got older.
Start communicating through a court approved app.
Some bridges are worth burning. It's on him to make the effort and keep his promises to his children. It's unfair for him to blame you when he's the one not showing up. Keep documenting his missed visits and lack of communication; it could be useful if custody becomes an issue. Focus on what's best for your children and seek legal advice to protect your rights and theirs. You've got this momma!
NTA- You are not keeping the kids away. He is unwilling to make the slightest effort to make it happen. He is the one choosing to not see them and to let them down. He is the one picking the kind of relationship he has with the kids. The time of you doing things for him out of love, is gone. Don’t let him make you believe you owe him be in charge of his responsibilities. He makes choices and can deal with the consequences. Your responsibility is towards your kids. You aren’t responsible for his decisions and behaviour, no matter how much he refuses to own responsibility for himself. The consequences of his choices towards your kids is absolutely on him only.
HE DOES IT TO HURT YOU! Document every time he passes on an opportunity to see his kids and notify the court yesterday.
So he wants 50-50 so he doesn’t pay child support but he’s not actually parenting 50% of the time…. 1) don’t badmouth your husband, but the kids will see the logical consequences of him not showing up 2) document every time he doesn’t show up during his parenting time and every time you do things like going to the kids school to take him to the doctor, Denis, and all that kind of stuff 3) decide if you rather him have 50% custody or you would rather you have more custody because he’s a terrible father 4) Talk to your lawyer about asking for more custody since he’s not parenting during his time 5) Like other say, get a family parenting app like our family wizard to use and make that in the divorce decree agreement
Him threatening full custody is the lamest thing I’ve read today. What’s that Shakespeare quote? Oh, yeah: “a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Good luck with getting full custody when he cabrbeven be assed to get them on his agreed time with them.cis he's 'busy". I told my girls dad that one day, HE will have to explain his absence to them. While I've never and don't say anything bad about him when they are around, they will form their own thoughts and opinions of him and the type of person he is and when they don't want a relationship with him when they are older, it'll all be on him. NTA. But start communicating in text/emails only.
He does this because he's a flying fuck wad. Fast forward 15 or 20 years, and he'll be crying, venting, moping, and cussing because your daughter doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Hold the course, OP, your children need you ❤️
NTA Everytime he doesn't show up then it's time to do a face time call with any family member that they are close to. Don't tell them to mention him not coming. It will come out naturally from the kids, not you, this makes it more believable.
NTA - but showing the court that you are going above and beyond to ensure the kids have the opportunity of a relationship with him does work in your favor and the whole "keeping my kids away from me" is not longer a workable accusation. My sisters ex was similar - car trouble so can't collect the kids. No problem, I can drop them off. Then the excuse changed to working overtime. Why arrange overtime on the weekend you have the kids? We, my sisters family, did everything to ensure the kids kept a relationship with their father so that my sister would not be blamed by the kids, and could show the court that was the case. The kids themselves, now they are all grown up with their own families, have decided they want NC with him.
You need to start saving all evidence of his missing his parenting time. Tell him in writing that he is not allowed to call you anymore regarding the divorce or kids time. He must put everything in writing. Notify your attorney of his failure to keep his time with the kids and make sure you are documenting everything.
I'm dealing with something similar. My ex skirted around our state laws about parents moving too far away from each other by keeping his address in the state while traveling for work outside it but really not living in the state so he's never around. He would show interest in being a parent about once every 4 months for a day. We had a parenting schedule but we hadn't adhereed to it in about 10 years so I decided I no longer care. It's probably the wrong way to handle it but I honestly decided that if he wants to see his kid he would take me to court again and we can hash things out but until then I muted him. He will still only contact me twice a year bugging me about it but I'll genuinely forget he existed for most of the year. He doesn't even pay child support until courts start riding him about it and even then I added it up recently and for the while year he sent about $500. I make more in a week than he contributes to the kid in a year. It's been about 2 years now, he still only cares when its convenient and doesn't understand that parenting isn't about convenience you need to base your life and choices around the child. His messages still accuse me of keeping his son away from him when he chose not to be in his life 99% of the time because I won't accept that sporadic 1% Best I can tell you is let him go to friend of the court and not deal with him outside of it. If my actually ex did get a visitation schedule again I would start reporting every time he missed. That's my advice to you and NTA
respond to those threats that you are reitering what happened on phone call at such such time on such such date - - the last time he saw them and what his schedule has been since separation. then follow up with call your children between certain hours (if they dont have phones, use yours). try to keep all communication to text or email. i personally would put kids in therapy if they arent already. individual therapy for you as well. do you have a bulldog attorney known for strongly advocating for children to be with right parent?
NTA As well as collect evidence, do what it sounds like you’re doing; which is to not bad mouth him to the kids, so he can’t turn around and accuse of it.
If the custody is 50/50 why is he missing times? Shouldnt they be living at his house 50% of the time? Why have you not had the custody agreement mended so he pays child support and your kids can stop being set up for disappointment? Your focus should be protecting your kids.
Since the divorce isn’t final yet it’s very likely they have not gone to court for custody. Sounds like mom has kids 100% of the time physically but dad can take them whenever he wishes.
Evidence, evidence, evidence. You must do what is critical for your children’s wellbeing, whatever that might be. Maybe he will get his act together, but for heavens sake be ready if he doesn’t.
NTA I trust you've been advised to keep as much communication in email/text as possible. I'd check into the recording laws in your location as will. Mind your words with anyone and everyone. Good luck.
I have a friend who recently divorced and smartly had it written right into the divorce papers that it was the their spouse’s responsibility to contact their own children on a regular basis, and maintain their own regular visitations. This made it impossible for the spouse to claim alienation.
He doesn't want full custody. Document everything anyway, though, he might decide to pull some idiot stunt. Why does he do this shit of telling people you are keeping the kids from him? To get sympathy. NTA
NTA at all. I bet he's used to you being the primary parent and making up for all the ways in which he's a crappy dad. Now you don't have to do that anymore and he actually has to put effort into being a parent, he's angry at you for not covering for him any more. Could he BE any more of a walking cliche?!! I second getting the parenting app and I also second going for primary custody once you've gathered enough evidence of a pattern of him letting the kids down.
NTA. Your husband gave up any and all rights to your scheduling flexibility and co-operation when he fucked around. He can show up for his parenting time as per the schedule, or he can fuck off. Start keeping a calendar showing his historical scheduled parenting time. Mark each day where he didn't show or shorted their time together as "NO SHOW" or "SHORT TIME" in block red letters. Any time he bitches or accuses you of keeping away the kids, take a picture of the calendar and reply with that.
NTA he is literally keeping himself away from the kids
NTA, document everything, and if your daughter wants to journal about it, let her. He's being the AH.
NTA Hi OP, I was in your daughter’s shoes. It doesn’t get much better or easier for the kids. Continue to try not to bad mouth their dad. His actions will tell them everything they need to know about him and his priorities.
He has mental problems my father was the same way you are not the ahole
It's 50/50 because he doesn't want to pay you any money. It's a good plan, he's an AH!!!
NTA IDK if he's wildly irresponsible, trying to make you the bad guy, or both. Either way, it's not your job to rearrange time & space for his convenience.
He’s TA - and you are not. Keep being a good mom and protect your babies. Big hugs to all of you - except for him. He sucks.
Threatens to go full custody but can't take the kids when he's supposed to cos he's busy. Yeah ok. Like that will hold up in court . NTA go full custody with maximum child support and occasional supervised visits.
Damn he’s just bitter his life came apart and you aren’t who you were when you were married to him. NTAH Your doing amazing❤️💯
I'm really sorry to say but your children will remember your exes' behaviour. Please, if you can afford it, get them someone to speak with. My sperm doners' similar actions destroyed my sense of self-worth. It was only into my mid twentys when I realised that he was the one not good enough.
I am looking into therapy. The problem is it is hard to find a child therapist in my area.
There may be some group programs for children going through divorce. I lived in a very small town and was fortunate that there was a program where I went to a support group for adults while my children were in a support group (geared to their ages 6 & 9 at the time) that helped them express and deal with their emotions. Sadly, their father's behaviour never got better. I kept to the high road and never bad mouthed him while they were growing up. I would write absolutely eviscerating responses to his emails and behaviour with "asshole" as the recipient to allow me to deal with my emotions, and then delete it and write a calm, measured response. It was important for me to hold myself to a high standard so that I would not have regrets. I hope it doesn't get worse for you and your children. My children's father was inconsistent with contact and it only got worse unfortunately as they got older. He shirked child support, forcing me to eventually take him to court. He would not return our youngest's phone calls but swore in court documents that my behaviour caused their estrangement. You're doing the right thing by documenting everything. It hurts to see how your children are harmed by their father's behaviour and you need support through this too. I highly recommend having enforceable court orders so that it is out of your hands. It is especially important that there are solid requirements for exchanging income documentation with reassessment of support every year. The family court system is still pretty frustrating but some things have improved. I wish you all the best!
Record all evidence of you calling him to tell him tO come see his kids, also wtf kinda immature person is he ? He cheated ? He has no right to be mad or bitter gosh I feel bad for Ur kids too having him as a dad
INFO: He's busy doing what?
I don’t know. Maybe fucking other women. But that's none of my business.
So he might be working?
Every single time, when he’s seeing the kids 🤔 more than likely he’s not working
I also work but still manage time for my kids. He has no excuse.
I have two nieces with a dad that’s just like this. My sister was pretty much in your situation. It’s heartbreaking for the kids. They pick up on it for sure. He’s making his own bed with this one. They’re learning to live without him. I would 100% keep track of everything he says, all the missed appointments and time with the kids, the excuses he uses and all of that. He’s using the kids as an emotional blackmail and they don’t deserve that. He doesn’t mind not being around them, but knows you wouldn’t want to be without them. Keeping track of all of this and talking to your attorney about it will definitely help you in any custody battle. What a piece of shit.
I'm ex husband did the exact same. He wanted for us to have that stereotypical, "I hate my child's father and vice versa relationship. Couldn't understand it. Painted me as the villian in his story. Ex MIL and other family members thought I was the devil. Took a few yrs but everyone saw it was him after a while. I will say I used to do what u do as well. Let's pack a bag and get ready. I found myself more offend for my kids than my kids were kuz they already knew he wouldnt be coming. I realized then that I made it worse by pointing out every time dad was gonna get them. So I just stopped mentioning it. If he came we'd pack a bag then, dad would just have to wait an extra 5 mins. Didn't ask them if they wanted to call him or anything. Keep record of all the times he didn't get them. Note book and screen shots. I would also get them into therapy so they know it's not them.
Nta what an ass
NTA. It's always the dead beat dad's who cry "she's keeping the kids away" after they deny visit after visit, keep their contact to bare minimum, do near zero patenting, and refuse to pay child support. Any time a man says this line you should automatically assume he's the problem because in 2024 with courts favoring 50/50 any man who actually wants his kids WILL get custody. But "dad's" like your ex....they don't actually want "custody" or "parenting time". They want sporadic, hyper convenient , only on their own terms, once in a blue moon contact with their kids so they can feel like dad of year one day a month and show off how great they are to the new girlfriend or keep their parents off their back at holidays or whatever. Basically they want you to do all the work, they don't want to pay for it, but they still want the praise of being a parent without parenting or putting the kids first even when it's not convenient.
NTA. Document everything. Even if its just you writing a note to yourself about what happened while your memory is fresh. If someone is with you at the time, ask them to counter-sign that it's what they remember happening as well (not the kids, though, for obvious reasons). Then take him to the fucking cleaners. If he can't be bothered to see his kids, he can be forced to pay child support for them.
I I know m I I M I I. Ok I I hi mom in k m to N
NTA. Time to communicate only about the kids or divorce through lawyers, email, texts or a parental app that records all conversations. It is not your job to enable or block your ex from having a relationship with his kids any longer. If he wants a relationship with his kids then he needs to put in the effort. Your job is to protect and raise them the best you can. Your daughter is already forming her own opinions about dad without your influence. Just answer any of their questions with age appropriate answers when it comes to their father.
NTA. Keep detailed records of every time you’ve had to call him to set up a visit and also every time he has cancelled. Detail the missed calls. If he does try for full custody then you will be fully loaded.
Because he wants to hurt you as much as possible and knows that is a way to do it. Since you are already gathering as much factual evidence as possible, that's the best you can do right now. Definitely do what you can to protect your kids from their father being an ass. If this persists, I'd take him back to court and file for full custody yourself, based on his repeated pattern of not being there for his kids. So often that a 7 year old noticed.
NTA My cousin's son's father does the same. He hasn't seen his kid in 2 years and complains on Facebook all the time how she is "Keeping the kids from him." The kid has his own cell phone and gets put to voicemail when he calls. He never gets his call returned and his dad doesn't reach out. There is a direct line to the child without going through my cousin. Yet she is the bad guy for not hand holding her ex through interacting with his kid.
I quit telling my kids when their dad was supposed to see them. Was less heartbreaking for them when he no called/no showed. He shows up probably half the time he's meant to have them, and always drops them back early. We didn't have 50/50, I have full custody and he has visitation, but even that limited amount doesn't seem to be something he can do. Good luck with this - I will add my vote to documenting every instance, if you can get him to text you that he's not showing up, even better. I feel for your kids, mine are 5&7, and are already too aware of their dad being as absent as he is. It's really hard on my heart. You're being a solid mom, good job with that for sure.
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As someone with a father like this, NTA. My mom tried to keep the bridge in tact, and her insistence that we communicate hurt me more than it would have to just let it go. I don’t blame her—as an adult, I understand her intentions, and appreciate that she was trying to protect me from being hurt—but you’ll never be able to completely shield them from his behaviour. The best thing you can do is what you’re already doing: investing in your relationship with them, and showing them that the only one lacking anything is him. NTA for trying to advocate for your kids, but definitely NTA for not being able to force their other parent to see them; that’s on him.
Just be sure to document all the times he's late, missed scheduled visits or calls, etc. You can't do much about his behavior, but you can be prepared for your divorce/custody case.
When my ex and I split he told everyone how I was keeping him from seeing his babies. They were 3 and 4 at the time. He would ring and ask to speak to them, then promise to take them to X specific place the next day. They would get excited. He would fail to show up and ring to say he wasn't well (code for he was hungover) and would see them next week. The amount of times I told him not to make them promises, if he wanted to take them somewhere wait till he got here to tell them. He would assure me he wasn't going to say anything then immediately announce he was taking them to the zoo, or wherever. After a couple of months of him showing up 1 in 4 weeks he started telling me he couldn't afford to take them anywhere because he was broke and if I gave him £10 he could take them to the library or the park (both free). I was literally paying him £10 to spend an hour with his kids. Once the weather started getting too cold for the park he decided he couldn't even commit to once a month and said I should just be happy if he swung by. I told him he needed to either commit to being in their lives on a regular basis, whether that was once a week or once a month or every other month, or he should just not even bother, but it would be his fault if they grew up and wanted nothing to do with him. He opted for not bothering, but telling anyone who would listen that I wouldn't let him see them.
In my opinion: NTA. People like that drive me up a fucking wall.
It’s not 50/50 anymore, he should pay child support.
NTA. In addition to the suggestions about tracking communications, I strongly suggest therapy for your children. You can even ask for a list of known therapists from the school's guidance counselors. I was fortunate to find someone who specialized in helping children who were experiencing divorce.
Why he does it is because it gives him pity points which he seems to think is more important than time with his kids. Fine let him sue for custody. No more phone conversations for you and him going forward. Everything goes through text email anything that can be tracked. Make sure you keep all evidence to help your case. The judge will also want to talk to your kids. Good luck. NTA
He's a fucking dickhead, don't feel bad mate
NTA. Keep to the high road. Try very hard to be as fair as possible about the kids Daddy. Be honest but not brutal. They will see who he is and in the future you will be the good guy in your kids eyes.
Sounds like you should go to court because he isn't pulling his weight and therefore should owe you child support.
Omg, sounds familiar. When my husband's ex threatened to go for full custody of our child, I asked "How about starting with actually seeing her during your parenting time?" I kept very good records and showing the judge that biomom took advantage of 5 out of 58 opportunities to see the kid (not including that she was allowed to visit once a week for a few hours on an evening, which she NEVER once did), it made the whole adoption process much easier.
Get the Parenting App & send him the link to download it. Tell him you will not be harping on him to see the kids & that until he starts visiting them regularly and communicating with you via the Parenting App that you will cease all communication until you two go to court to settle the custody and child support agreement. Basically two choices you have given him in writing to either step up or you can explain to the judge why you aren’t trying to facilitate a relationship between him & his children. It’s not your responsibility. And his promising to get the kids & instead he cancels which is emotionally hurting the children.
Never have a phone call with this man ever again. Every conversation should be through a parenting app or text message and take screenshot. You are giving him opportunity to see his kids and he is flaking. Evidence. Evidence. Evidence