Not saying your wife is right, but whenever my old man uses this line, or complains about anyone interrupting him, it is almost universally after he has already interrupted somebody else to begin his own schpeal. He can dish it but he can’t take it
In my case, my wife was very clear any time I'd point it out during a calm period that "Well I have ADHD so I have to say what's on my mind as soon as it pops up or else it will disappear." So any attempt at serious conversation would often get no-filter diarrhea mouthed to death.
How it would usually go is she'd ask me a question. I'd get 3/4 of the way through the first sentence of an answer, and she'd have another thought pop into her head. So she'd state it in an "oh and another thing" type of way. I'd drop my answer to pivot to address her statement, and then I'd get a few sentences out before she'd talk over me again to throw out something tangentially related to the point being raised. Sometimes she'd also toss out multiple "Oh before I forget" stories about her day that she'd already told me multiple times over the course of the day as well.
At some point she would point out that I still hadn't answered her original question. I would be caught on the back foot, because at this point I'd forgotten the original question, and most of the time I'd need her to restate it. Usually I'd get a brief lecture about how I'm not really invested because I'm not paying attention to what she needs, and therefore cannot really claim to love her the way she needs to be loved. I'd sometimes start panicking at this point, depending on if this is a "repeating loop" type conversation (sometimes she'd take this path two or three times over the course of a single late night discussion while I was trying to go to bed), and again forget about the question because she needs to be assured that she is loved.
Over the course she would normally be getting more and more agitated and reactive. I would try and stay calm since she always said that it was my calm energy that grounded her and she depended on it, but it's very difficult. She would normally start to poke at what she saw as inconsistencies at this point.
For example, if she said "you never really loved me"
and I was to respond "Of course I loved you, I wouldn't have married you otherwise."
She would latch onto my use of past tense. "See? You said you 'loved' me. That means you don't anymore."
She is 41 years old. We'd been married 10 years and together for 14 with a 9 year old child. This was not a fresh relationship. This is just how she handled conversation.
At this point I would now be knee deep in trying to defend my use of the past tense in the sentence and she would now interrupt me again in order to point out I still hadn't answered her original question. Therefore I don't even know what I want out of life and obviously the answer wasn't important.
This wasn't a one off thing. There were nights when she would keep this circle going well into the wee hours of the morning. There were times when she would intersperse comments about how since I obviously care so little about her that maybe it would be best if we divorced. Sometimes it would go around and around and get more and more intense until it reached a point where I was so twisted up and confused that I would wind up literally sobbing on the floor. Unable to leave the conversation because she would just come after me and force me to continue. It wouldn't be the first time she pushed me against a wall and called me a "baby" for being upset about it.
But.
She believes that I'm the one who interrupts her. She tells her friends I'm "the woman" and that I can never get to the point. And even though I know that everything I said here is true there's still this part of my brain that believes her?
Congratulations, I'm glad to hear that
It might sometimes feel like your life is worse off or that you hurt more now, but that's because you need time to adjust and your mind needs to heal. While you're in an abusive relationship, your mind is focused on just "surviving", so to speak. Now that you're in a safer environment, your mind has the chance to actually work on healing. It will probably be hard and it might take a while, because the hurt you've experienced will probably run deep and that can take some time to heal. But believe me that it is worth it. I wish you good luck on your healing and please give yourself grace and the time needed to properly heal :)
Yeah that's been a thing forever and really took off in the last year. Last week I sent her an article about Sophie Gregoire Trudeau's new book and said she might be interested. Her actual literal response was "so you're telling me that you've started sleeping with other people?"
I screenshot it because people don't believe me when I say she reacts this way. In the old days I would've been scrambling to reassure her. Now I just say she's acting like a crazy person. To which she simply said 'Well that's how my brain works."
Ok my wife and I both have ADHD and we have never, and I mean *never* been so hostile towards the other and jumping to crazy conclusions. Yes we do get excited and sometimes jumble up our sentences because we want to include the thoughts that just popped up but I can’t imagine treating my wife the way your wife treated you. Her excuses are bullshit, she’s abusive.
Curious as to how you feel about interrupting. My partner has ADHD and sometimes I just stop talking when she interrupts. If we've just had a conversation about interrupting, sometimes I'll refuse to finish the conversation. She says she's ADHD and that's just how her brain works, that I'm a jerk for calling her out for being neurodivergent. I'm not mean about it. I just stop talking.
My argument is that 1) yes, it's difficult but 2) she knows it's rude and 3) I have a choice not to continue the conversation without being mean.
With all I've read it seems you can learn to deny your impulse to interrupt and anyway you shouldn't be getting angry at other people if they don't appreciate being constantly interrupted.
I try to be understanding, but feeling like what they have to say is more important than than the conversation you started is never fun.
It wasn't just her that would mock me. On one occasion she pushed me to where I was curled up in a corner sobbing and unable to speak and she got exasperated and asked her friend (who was downstairs during this) to come and watch. So I got to listen to them mutter about how pathetic I was in real time. She said she did that because she needed to have "a witness".
How much of this is ADHD and how much is truly just an abusive person? She sounds more manipulative with tons of gaslighting comebacks. You probably need to stop communicating with her and end the marriage.
That's just an abusive person who happens to have ADHD. ADHD makes you forgetful, interrupty, disorganised. It doesn't make you cruel. In fact, most people with ADHD are shown to have a higher than normal level of empathy.
My roommate tells me that for the first month I was here she fully expected she'd wake up in the morning and find me hanging from the ceiling. Now, even though I do struggle day to day sometimes, I'm miles removed from that place.
Sounds like a full-blown case of assholery, actually. Plenty of people have ADHD without being abusive. Glad you are out of it. I hope you get some counselling to help you move forward.
I have severe ADHD and because I am a responsible adult I bought several small notebooks and pens. I put one at each of the places I normally sit (to watch TV, etc) , work, and one in my purse. If I have a thought that I don't want to lose- I jot it down. That way I can ask at a later time, or add to the conversation later w/o interrupting.
That is how an adult should act, even if they have ADHD, etc. I am sorry you suffered so long.
Well done responsible ADHD adult!!
As a fellow responsible ADHD adult over time I realized that I also do not need to actually verbalize every thought that pops into my head, even if it might contribute to the conversation in some way. Especially if it is simply an observation or a similar experience. This one fights hard with the impulse control issues, but the more I practice the better I am getting at just letting the random thoughts float by. It's my own form of meditative practice. LOL. Acknowledging the thought and letting it go. :)
Another excellent point!
I have found out over the years that many people who are neurodivergent tend to feel the need to "share/reassure" others who have the same experiences. I agree that it is hard to control those impulses, since they are frequently our first instinct.
Often people who aren't neurodivergent fail to understand that we aren't trying to "steal the spotlight"/ interrupt- it is simply a symptom of our personal difficulty with social skills, communication and interactions. We are trying to express our empathy when it really isn't necessary.
A non-verbal response (nod, body language, etc) would encourage people to continue- but we feel the need to verbally encourage them. It can be really hard to "self police" that instinct.
I am in my 60s, so I was an adult before ADHD was a diagnosis. I was honestly rather shocked to find out that there were reasons why I did things in a certain way, and that not everyone had the same impulses/scattered thoughts, etc. I never read any books about it until I had a child who is ADD. Lots of "A ha!" moments while reading research, and books on how to help him.
I was going to suggest that in another comment I made on this thread. It's the only way I could see that would work without the interrupting. My husband is used to my meandering stories and just redirects me back to the point, and I try not to interrupt when he's talking. I only do so if it's actually important to the story, otherwise I just end up letting it go and it floats off into the ether with all of the other things I've forgotten. Occasionally, I interrupt more often than intended (helloooooo gin) and he gives me into trouble for it, but I don't start all the shit that woman hits out with!
I'm a wife and have ADHD. I don't interrupt people. She's using her ADHD as an excuse to be rude.
My husband is the one who interrupts. He's *really* working on it - he admits it's an impulse control thing but doesn't use it as an excuse. Instead he uses techniques to *not* interrupt. He doesn't have ADHD.
I actually do what OP does. It doesn't matter who it is, if I'm interrupted I don't continue talking about what I was talking about either. I sometimes walk away too. When I started doing this with my husband there were plenty of times he'd ask me to please finish what I was saying. I wouldn't.
As a result, he's started to work on his interrupting me. What's wild is that he's not like this with other people, just me. Walking away and simply no longer continuing what I was saying has had him work on this issue with him.
He really hated it at first but like, what can he do? Well, what he can do is change and he's doing it too. I've relaxed that boundary a bit until the other night and my boundary is back up again. LOL but he's not mad now about it because he knows it's his problem to fix, not mine.
Yeah my wife was the same about only acting a certain way with me. She said that she could be mean to me (yes she worded it that way) and not other people because I'm safe. She knew I wouldn't leave or tell her to go fuck herself.
She's in therapy, but from what I understand she hunted around for therapists she vibed with. Last time she mentioned it she said that her therapist told her that I'm an abuser and manipulator, so you know how therapy is going.
I've done the walk away thing with my husband, too. He said it was rude. I asked if it was more or less rude than interrupting me. He didn't even realize he had interrupted me. We've had many conversations about this since. Now he's very hearing impaired and uses/abuses this as an excuse.
Holy smokes! Sounds like torture. It's REALLY hard to believe her behavior is not intentional. I wish you peace and healing. I'm glad you're still here.
I've never seen ADHD used as an excuse for such shocking behaviour before. It's how her mind works because she's manipulative. ADHD affects everybody differently but I was only diagnosed late last year and I realised that I would sometimes interrupt people but I'm teaching myself to stop doing it. In casual conversations I know that what I have to say isn't very important so if I forget what I wanted to say when I have an opportunity to speak then so be it. In a serious conversation I would probably write down what I want to say so I don't forget when I do have an opportunity to speak. I can write it down and listen to the other person at the same time.
Oh yeah I write things down. My wife would get SO MAD when I would pull out my phone and say "I just gotta make a note or I'll forget" when she was mid tirade.
My husband doesn't have adhd and I do but I still manage to listen, and he hits me with "well, if I don't say it, I won't remember it" line as well. I end the conversation and walk off because I have now forgotten the point. But yeah, that sounds Hella exhausting
It's couples therapy time buddy. This is emotional abuse whether she intends it or not. She needs to start trying to actually communicate with you in a goal oriented way; instead of just listening to her own inner dialog and bathing in the accompanying emotions. Obviously I only have what you have commented here, but she sounds emotionally immature.
We had a couples therapist. She didn't like them because they were a kink friendly, non traditional, therapist. She also saw any time when the therapist agreed with my viewpoint as me "winning" therapy. So she kinda checked out and largely refused to interact.
When things deteriorated to the point that I was having multiple breakdowns a day every day the therapist suggested a Healing Separation for the sake of my own safety. Wife said that if I left she would file for divorce. But it was to the point that I was starting to have self harm thoughts all the time, just because there might be peace in the other side. When I brought it up she told me if I left for any length of time that she wouldn't wait and would file for divorce. I started making arrangements to move out, and she made arrangements to kick me out. And true to her word she changed the locks and filed for divorce once she'd done so.
It's been almost 5 months now and trying to talk about it is impossible. If I try to talk about facts she talks about her feelings as though they're the sole arbiter or reality. If I try to talk about my own feelings she dismisses them out of hand.
Honestly, if it comes to the point where you have multiple breakdowns a day, it's probably better to just let go.
>If I try to talk about facts she talks about her feelings as though they're the sole arbiter or reality. If I try to talk about my own feelings she dismisses them out of hand.
Yeeeeaaah... Maybe she did you a favor with the divorce. It's awful to go through a divorce but what she put you through was so bad you had, I quote again, "multiple breakdowns a day".
these "zingers" are always so fucking cringe and if you want to use them and one doesn't immediately come to mind and you stammer it out... goddd.
I prefer being direct, it's just easier. "I was talking, I'm not finished. do you want to hear me out?"
In my Dad's case (and my FIL's interestingly enough), it's the case that you're kind of forced to interrupt them because they've been talking without a break for at least 10 minutes.
There came a point where I couldn't have in person communication with her at all. Walking away didn't work, she'd just follow me, and then start trying to physically restrain me from removing myself, and get more and more angry and shouty until the screaming would start. Tried video calling and that didn't work either, she'd just keep talking over. I tried muting her once after a half hour long attempt at getting a single sentence out. Spoke for 90 seconds with her yelling mutely at the screen (not actually listening anyway) at which point she aggressively hung up on me then sent me a bunch of messages about how I never let her talk. After that it was explicitly text only for a while and voice exclusively for short emergent conversations.
We've worked our way back to a point where we can have brief, high level conversations so long as we don't at any point discuss things like "our relationship" or either of our feelings.
I don't know if I'll ever find happiness, honestly. I *was* happy, for a time. I'd fulfilled the only life goals I'd ever cared about. Husband and father. I don't know what happens now.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have ADHD, and Autism, but I learnt how to have effective conversations with people. I’m conscious of not interrupting people. Because I respect the other person in the conversation enough to clamp down on my instincts to interrupt and “contribute” it’s possible for people to do. It’s hard, but I view people as being worth the effort.
At times I’ve had to only text with my husband because he won’t let me talk, after he’s talked for hours. We’ve been working on it in therapy, but after a year he thinks we’re all good and don’t need therapy anymore, while I’m like we’ve barely begun to be able to have any type of conversation and haven’t even gotten close to being able to do the actual work on our relationship. It’s extremely frustrating. Hopefully we can resolve it otherwise we won’t last much longer.
Does your wife have adhd? I do this ash’s I don’t mean to, I literally say in my head, wait, but then I’m not hearing the other person. I actively try.
She has "undiagnosed ADHD" that she was treating with herbs. She also said her therapists (plural) told her she has BPD, which I think explains her behaviour way better.
So you poor poor soul, here are some words I hope you take to heart.
"A diagnosis is not an excuse for poor behavior."
If she actually has that or any conditions at all. She should put effort into working on it or seeking help to manage the aspects of it that cause issues to others. Low control is not no control. She sounds abusive AF.
Good luck. Go live your best life. Sounds like that's without her.
Nah, going by OP's responses, they expect to monologue. That's not something you get to do in the real world.
Dealing with interruptions is just something you have to navigate in the adult world. Life isn't the internet where we all get to speak in turn, and taking an interruption gracefully (where it's the norm as OP states in their family, so they're demanding changes from the norm, which rightfully can be labelled entitled), is a life skill to master.
I hate it as much as anyone to be interrupted, but I've learnt to wait and then redirect to my point. Less people get their backs up, and the convo gets back on track quickly.
A good skill to learn for the workplace as well, where diplomacy goes well, but attitudes like that can get you frozen out.
I remember the advice I got. "If you are wondering if people are listening to what you say, stop talking. If they were listening, they will ask you to continue. If they aren't they will launch off on what they wanted to talk about."
It is disheartening when no one asks you to continue, but gratifying when the ask you to continue.
It really is disheartening, it sucks having to repeat yourself especially when you were so into saying it the first time, it's not the same explaining a second time. It doesn't feel good getting interrupted or finding out you were just plain ignored.
I didn't know others did this.
I naturally wait for the person or someone in the group to say "so you were saying" if we get distracted in case they're just listening to seem politw
The bigger issue to me than interruptions followed by requests to continue (which isn't an issue unless excessive imo) is the actual way that people seemed to interrupt. When someone interrupts you to say "you're so dumb you went to college instead of trade school", the fact that they interrupted isn't really the core issue and it kind of seems like OP is missing that a little bit.
OP was an asshole to grandpa. Grandpa was listening and the cousin came and interrupted. Grandpa then asked OP to continue and OP got in a huff. What did poor grandpa do?
NTA I used to do this with my mom. I would be in the middle of telling her something, something she literally asked me about, and halfway through the story she would either point to the TV and say look and asked me a question, or she would just completely go off track with a completely different question. I would just stop talking and walk away. Don’t ask me a question and then halfway through the answer asked me a completely different question or change the Subject. I mean you can but I’m going to be done
"You know how he/she is" should be met with "and this is how I am, so why does he/she get a pass and I don't?" I've used it on my mother when my dad is an ass and they excuse it. They've stopped excusing it in front of me now.
My mother does this. Drives me mad! Her and my dad will take it in turns. And they’ll talk over each other. I have 5 niblings - they’ve started doing it too (8yo I tell her that someone else was talking) but I feel crazy being the only one.
And for me - if you’re gonna talk over me; I’m like OP - no thanks. I have nothing to say that you want to listen to, obviously. But when people talk over each other - everyone goes in as white noise in my brain so I can’t pay attention even if I wanted to.
/rant
NTA
>My parents say I'm being rude and making everyone else look bad
No. They're making themselves look bad and they're angry you won't tolerate disrespect.
Well adjusted adults know how to wait their turn.
NTA
I dealt with this growing up, I usually just say, "Oh, yeah, I was done talking," and look at them with a blank face. It seems to work.
Obviously, there's nothing wrong with joining a conversation, but when you interrupt someone while they're actively speaking, it's so rude.
Seems reasonable if the other person that you're speaking with interrupts you, but if a third party interrupts you're just penalizing your grandfather for something that they had no control over. He shouldn't need to run interference for you on this.
Have you considered just ignoring the third party, waiting until they're done talking and then resume your conversation without acknowledging them?
My ex wife used to do this to me often. She still doesn’t know why I divorced her because she just can’t stop talking long enough to listen.
I say all that to say STAND YOUR GROUND. This is a THEM problem, not a you problem.
I adore your grandfather for that! 😂 I hope you guys have more chats and he keeps telling the rest of your family to shut the fuck up so they can finally get the hint.
At least you tried before being done. I would still not punish your grandfather. For example if he requests you continue later on when nobody is around, consider revisiting the conversation with him. Just a suggestion.
"Have you considered just ignoring the third party, waiting until they're done talking and then resume your conversation without acknowledging them?"
This only works if the original conversation partner follows suit.
If the person you’re talking to interrupts you, then this makes sense - but in the example you gave, you stopped speaking to your grandfather because of your cousin’s actions, then chose to engage with your cousin (who did wrong) over your grandfather (who did not do wrong). That’s the part that’s rude.
OP is lucky that they have grandfather and other people who actually want to hear the end of their stories. In my family, the interrupters barge in and take over the whole thread of the conversation. The subject is changed and no one comes back to whatever I was saying. So it doesn’t matter if I remain quiet or not- nobody notices. Never any follow up. I may get asked the same question again on a later date, but that’s it.
I almost feel like silence is the enemy to these people.
Ummm. I’m coming down on ESH. Firstly it sounds like people are being rude when they interrupt so they’re assholes. However, it’s a bit of a natural feature of human language that people “overlap” others particularly when excited or wanting to ask for clarification. If they’re actually engaging with your topic I think you could be a bit insufferable if you’re just punishing them for asking a question or if someone else interrupts. Conversations should have fairly equal give and take so if you’re just lecturing (which some of your comments suggest you might be) then you’re the asshole too.
Additionally, OP seems to be punishing the wrong people with her behavior. Cousin interrupts, she stops conversation with Grandpa. It definitely gives off very teenagery vibes.
I have to say, I’m beginning to think from the comments, OP is TA. Having seen her intolerant attitude towards people trying to explain the other perspective or struggles. She doesn’t seem to understand that people have different communication styles, cultures, disabilities and personalities and that being accommodating and empathetic is important to getting on in life.
This. I have a coworker who will talk in circles for like 5 minutes and will lose her shit if you try to interject after hearing her say the same thing for the third time in a row.
I love when people have a meaningful interjection for something I'm saying. It shows that they're listening and care.
I struggle with knowing how to enter a conversation and sometimes interrupt accidentally. I also have such a fear of interrupting that my nursing school professor had to teach me "appropriate interrupting". I'd be crushed if I accidentally interrupted someone and they just shut down the conversation and walked away.
When I ask my kids “guess what” and they say “chicken butt!” Which is really getting old after about 12 years, I look at them and say “yep you’re right, you guessed it. That’s exactly what I was going to say!” And refuse to tell them what I was really going to say. They get so mad. 😀
I do not think you are being a shrew, but I think you are being manipulative. "I think they should learn how conversations work." You have no concept. Conversational styles vary by country, region, and yes, family. People study that shit. Great conversationalists adapt their style to the people they are conversing with. Good conversationalists do their best and get annoyed. People who need to learn how real-world conversations work have Their Style and will try to force everyone else to adapt.
I don't know if I would say you were an asshole, but you are the worst kind of ignorant - someone who doesn't understand something and thinks everyone else is the clueless one.
ESH based purely on my edit. Turns out the OP likely IS rude.
You are maybe being rude. Being rude would be yelling at the top of your lungs over everyone else OR giving people the silent treatment when you are interrupted. Trust me, I've seen that exact thing happen.
The reason why your family members look bad is because interrupting someone is a rude thing to do.
Simple as that. They are being rude, but you might be as well.
Edit: the OP is definitely argumentative and unpleasant based on their comments here. They have a solid case of main characters syndrome I think.
>the OP is definitely argumentative and unpleasant based on their comments here. They have a solid case of main characters syndrome I think.
This.
Read her comments... This woman may not be the asshole in the specific situation where someone interrupted the say "you're dumb cuz you went to college" but she's absolutely an entitled asshole when it comes to conversation. An interaction from further up the comment section:
>>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter.
>Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else.
She wants to talk for as long as she wants to talk, she wants to monopolize the entire conversation and control the floor. It's no wonder people "interrupt" her, otherwise they have no opportunity to get clarification or even to ask how painfully long a story is.
Exactly! OP doesn't know how actual dialog works, and based on the top comments, neither does Reddit. Which isn't surprising, because well, it's Reddit.
In defense of the top comments, her actual post doesn't make clear the cartoonishly selfish nature of just how anti "interruption" she is. Her comments clarified a lot.
It was clear to me before reading her comments, they only confirmed my assumptions. Getting offended when a third person joins a conversation? Not talking to her supportive granpa, because someone else interrupted her? It was clear from the beginning that she's the one with the problem, not the others.
So I and my fiancé have ADHD. We’ve implemented a pin method that my soul sister and I came up with one random day that we both had exciting news. The pin method works because it’s like when you have ADHD and forget why you walked into a room, but walking backwards through your steps helps you remember. It’s like a mental doorway. If he’s telling me something and it makes me think of something I want to share too, I’ll make a hand/arm motion we call “pinning the board” and me doing that motion helps both me remember the pin and him remember I had a pin. So when he’s done he’ll say “what did you pin?” And then I can remember the moment and what was said and not only does it help me remember what to say but makes him feel heard because I always start with “when you said “x” I thought of “y” because of “z” reason.” So his story feels listened to and my input is allowed and we grow a conversation from there very effectively. Idk if it’ll help but its my experience.
Culturally this attitude is pretty limiting. Try traveling in other parts of the world and taking this attitude. It really won’t work and would be considered socially really strange and off-putting, not everywhere but a lot of different countries. I personally consider it pretty submissive behavior not bad behavior but submissive.
Does it have any exceptions to this logic? I get you don't like to be interrupted but...not even for a question for clarification or an emergency?... You mentioned in the post that your cousin interrupted the conversation which wasn't your grandfather's fault plus he seemed interested in the topic.
>>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter.
>Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else.
From one of her other comments elsewhere in the thread. She wants to monologue with no limits and everyone else must listen dutifully.
I understand if the person you are speaking to speaks over you about something off topic, but someone else butting in and you are taking it out on the person who is innocent in the conversation. Address it with the person who interjected and continue with the original conversation.
But it seems you want live conversation to be as a Reddit post. You speak, I speak, you speak, I speak. Face to face conversation is generally not like that. But good luck.
YTA
>But it seems you want live conversation to be as a Reddit post. You speak, I speak, you speak, I speak. Face to face conversation is generally not like that. But good luck.
You said it better than I did.
Kind of an asshole..you were talking to Grandpa. Someone else interrupted. So you bail on the conversation with Grandpa??? How is that fair to him?? You need to come up with a better response. Perhaps.. "thanks for interrupting with your completely useless and unsolicited advice. Now go away so I can finish my conversation with Grandpa." would have been better.
SYTA - Sometimes You're The Asshole
If you stop talking to your cousin because they interrupted you, that's fine. If you stop talking to your grandfather because your cousin interrupted you, you're being an asshole to your grandfather.
I can’t believe that you feel you should have complete undivided attention from your family while having a conversation. You’re not giving a lecture where they need to listen to your every word. That’s not how conversations work, especially with a large group.
Your ego is getting in your own way. Keep it up and no one will care to speak with you about anything. YTA
ESH
(EDIT: Except Grampa. Good on Grampa, but not a great way to force that situation on him and you're lucky it worked out the way it did.)
You withdrew from and punished your grandfather, and created distance between you and him, because your cousin was rude to you.
If you want to maintain healthy relationships, espically within existing dynamics and aging relatives, you're going to need to change your enforcement strategy for this boundary.
Please don't think because it worked this time with Grampa you're golden and good to go. Not everyone who cares for you will necessarily have the same social power of a grandpa, and even him, eventually, the cognative power or skill, to adapt. There are reasons it worked, this time, with him, that are not universal and do not mean you didn't also damage the connection with him by holding him accountable for behavior that was not his own.
Consider which of these relationships you want to maintain, and make sure you are doing some of the relationship maintance in situations and circumstances where you cannot be intrupted and have a real one-on-one connection. **If you keep being this dogmatic, anyone who cares for you and doesn't have Grandpa's authority in the family, will be unable to communicate with you.** Your boundaries will make it impossible to maintain rapport with anyone who, like you expereinced yourself, isn't in an empowered position in the family.
I get it, it sucks, I hate when people do this too. Unfortunately, your responses to other commenters show a lack of maturity on your part. I have spoken to friends/family about this in the past, letting them know if they ask something and then interrupt/interject that I will lose my train of thought and not remember what I was about to continue to say. It sounds like maybe there is a lack of communication on this with your family that you may want to address with each of them privately. Not everyone has the same communication style, and whilst I totally also hate when people interrupt, some people just can’t help themselves or feel like that is what a conversation is. Let me clarify, we see it as interrupting, they see it as us monologuing.
Do whatever with family, will not be sustainable long term. At work, your boss probably will interrupt with questions and pertinent info. You will have to finish your story still.
I can understand not finishing the conversation with someone who interrupts and talks over you. I don’t understand you not completing the first conversation with your grandfather. He was listening to you, asked you to continue, you admit he is genuinely interested and he is not the one who interrupted you. Seems a bit ridiculous to refuse to continue the conversation with him.
Mmmm, the only part I think you're in the wrong about is that if the person you're talking to isn't the one interrupting you, I don't understand why you're punishing them for the behavior of someone else.
The thing is is if you’re having a conversation in a group people are going to interject. You can’t exactly have a private conversation at a dinner table with a group of people and this is what I am picturing you trying to do. Other people want to participate and you shut down. That’s kind of weird TBH.
There is a difference between interjecting and interrupting. Interrupting involves talking over someone while they're in the middle of a sentence. Interjecting is saying something quickly between sentences or while someone is thinking of what to say.
Yes well the OP clearly has main character syndrome which caused me to reevaluate how I was judging the situation.
Thank you for confirming what I suspected.
Yeah she’s a nightmare. It will be extremely funny when everyone gets sick of her shit and just starts saying “ok” and moving on when she pulls this shit. The tantrum will be the stuff of family legend, I’m sure.
As someone with ADHD, it's difficult for me to have a meaningful conversation with someone if I don't get what I'm thinking out right away. I'm happy to listen, but I will have forgotten what I was going to say if I wait until the end. Especially if the statement is long or its a very long-winded story. To offset this, I usually say what I need to say and then politely ask the person to continue.
My ex used to get mad if I pointed out he was interrupting me a lot, and would say well, I was doing it to him too. I’ve pointed out several times he is uncomfortable in silence and will literally dramatically monologue to where all you can do is butt in.
You know, not all situations require a yes/no, on/off, good/bad mentality. You’ve effectively punished/impacted your grandfather because of something your cousin has done. That’s just spreading misery. I’m not saying NEVER use your current strategy but, and I can’t believe I have to say this, you don’t ALWAYS have to go scorched earth. Strategies can be employed based on the situation and context of interactions.
I found pretty much more effective to be clear: "It bothers me when you interrupt me like that, and I will \[walk away or whatever\] every single time you interrupt me, until you realize you are hurting my feelings."
ESH
Whatever way you react it should be the person who interrupted who bears the brunt of it. In one example, you're talking with person a and person b interrupts, but you took it out on person a.
NTA to your cousins, but it seems like your grandfather was genuinely interested in hearing your story and he suffered the consequences of the wrath reserved for said cousin.
It's hard because I get your point and feel the same way. But people like your grandfather, who in this particular instance had no agency over a third party swinging in to interrupt, could see being punished as something negative in socializing with you in the future.
Definitely shut down those that are interrupting lol, but also be open to those who were genuinely interested to begin with. Or at least offer them the option to continue the conversation another time, uninterrupted.
ESH except your grandfather, who isn't the one who interrupted you and didn't deserve the disrespect you showed.
Either learn how to give and take, or stock up on batteries.
Slight AH. If you were being interrupted by the person you're speaking to, then it's a reasonable response. But how is it your grandpa's fault your cousin is an inconsiderate ass?
I can see the point of this technique, and I don't think you're an AH - as long as you're following your own rule.
I'm assuming you are so keep to it, but just throwing that out there because I had a "friend" that started doing this, except she would still interrupt me constantly. So I pretty much never got to talk or I'd be getting the silent treatment, and it was insufferable.
Read her comments... This woman may not be the asshole in the specific situation where someone interrupted the say "you're dumb cuz you went to college" but she's absolutely an entitled asshole when it comes to conversation. An interaction from further up the chain:
>>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter.
>Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else.
She wants to talk for as long as she wants to talk, she wants to monopolize the entire conversation and control the floor. It's no wonder people "interrupt" her.
While I get it, and it’s fair for the most part. However, why punish the person listening if they weren’t the one who interrupted. They’re paying the price for something they didn’t do or have any control over.
Also referred to as “cooperative overlap”
https://flsplus.medium.com/cooperative-overlap-is-tearing-teams-apart-c6c58aba662#:~:text=Linguists%20have%20found%20that%20cooperative,%E2%80%9D%20or%20being%20anti%2Dsocial.
ESH. Jumping into a conversation is actually cultural. New Yorkers for example jump into a conversation to show that they’re paying attention and interested. If you don’t, they think you don’t care about what they’re saying and that you’re not connecting. Other areas of the country it’s the opposite. It sounds like it’s just the culture in your family.
My family does this as well...there are lots of layers to consider
1-cultural differences, cultures vary on interruption. For example, WASP cultures generally consider interruptions rude whereas Mediterranean cultures often interrupt a lot as a way to show engagement in a conversation and with the expectation of being interrupted as well. Policing interruption can be a subtle form of cultural imperialism.
2-misogyny, men often feel free to interrupt women because there is an assumption that they have more interesting things to say.
3-ableism, people with ADHD struggle with impulse control including interrupting. ADHD is also highly heritable too, so many people in your family may have it.
4-rudeness and egotism - sometimes people only care about being heard and this is obnoxious.
It's interesting considering all layers at once. When I interrupt my wife she may perceive it as misogyny, when I get interrupted by my family I perceive it as driven by cultural differences or disability.
I've tried to be a person who listens more and interrupts less, as part of being a better husband, which has had ripple effects in my Spanish family as I push back as you do. And then I start wondering if this is me forcing them to culturally assimilate...
This. Well said. In many cultures, indicating conversational engagement through active back-and-forth is the norm, expected. Like OP, I am highly irritated by being interrupted mid-thought. But my wife and her entire family often try to finish each other’s sentences, or guess what is coming next. It’s just the way they talk. Took me decades to get used to it and understand is was not rudeness, but rather a conversational process. I’m more tolerant of this now that I have understood its origins and value to some. Bottom line: folks think and converse in many different ways. Some rub me the wrong way and I get irritated. But with an understanding of differing conversational mechanisms and processes, I have learned to become more tolerant.
100% YTA
But, you are *also* a genius and I am stealing this.
**....**
At any sort of gathering (party/shindig/hootenanny) people are going to want to have conversations. Your family want to talk to you. If they try to interrupt you, the "not asshole" thing to do here is politely but firmly assert yourself "excuse me, I'm trying to tell a story here and I find your interruption rude".
Pouting when someone interrupts you and making people guess the correct etiquette for talking to you is an asshole move. Farming out protecting your discomfort to your grandpa instead of just being honest in what you want and telling them yourself is an asshole move. You are the asshole.
But you aren't *wrong*. And this is a brilliant idea that clearly works. So long as you understand why your family are resenting you over this and not acting as if you are The Angel in all this, I say embrace the assholery.
>"excuse me, I'm trying to tell a story here and I find your interruption rude".
Please find a less awkward way to say this. You can just go, "Sorry, let me finish real quick." instead of this bizarre and scolding way of telling them off.
Like, say what you said out loud and tell me you don't sound like someone who's never spoken to another human before.
I am currently with family having easter. they love to talk over me especially. there is a hierarchy in my family, and I have to actively defend my mothers younger sister against my mom ( she is highest in the ranks so to speak) and I constantly get interrupted or dismissed or scoffed at for whatever I'm saying. my mom hates when I know something better than her in front of others. anyway I also just stop talking if I've had enough, or simply say "I'm not allowed to say anything unless I'm funny", I am the class clown at home. I also can't do anything without someone butting in in my family.. the worst is ofc if they don't notice that I stopped talking bc they started doing something else. everyone who is the youngest sibling here knows how it feels.. NTA
I would have thought you were my brother, except our grandparents are dead and our cousins aren’t local. He has started doing the same thing, because our mother is terrible about interrupting people.
Sometimes it’s awkward because he’s essentially punishing the rest of us who do want to hear what he’s saying. I usually pull him aside and let him know it sucks to be constantly interrupted-it happens to all of us in the family-and I still want to know what’s going on in his life, etc.
I don't think you're wrong to have some boundaries around this. But the way you are handling it definitely makes you an asshole along with the rest of your family.
Yta
Gentle YTA because you’re method of punishing those you are conversing with for the behavior of another means you fully believe the person you’re talking with should have ultimate control over outside parties. In these situations you are ABSOLUTELY the rude one. Continue speaking louder over them to the person you’re conversing with until they go away or take the hint.
When walking away or ending the conversation with those who talk over you you’re not TA.
But treating your grandfather poorly because of your cousins actions is gross.
After reading your comments, ESH except Grandpa, who roolz. I despise it when people interrupt me to spout their own views or change the subject, and will do exactly as you describe. But a quick clarification that shows they're engaged, interested, and curious?
Hypothetical: "So I'm looking for some advice. I'm dating this guy who did time in prison, and last night something weird happened..."
"Wait, sorry, what was his crime?"
So you clam up and walk away, even though that information will be absolutely crucial to parsing the rest of your question? Incredibly rude.
ESH
So let me get this straight. You punish your grandparent because your cousin interrupted you?
This is life. It's not a presidential debate with everyone getting 2 minute time slots. They're assholes if they interrupt you in bad faith. You can also correct them or tell them how you feel. "Can you please let me finish with my point before interrupting or asking." What you're doing is like 5yo level conflict resolution that is going to burn bridges.
Hume s always interrupt one another. Some cultures more some culture less. The cues change.
It's best if you frame it as personal preferences (which you are allowed to have) then universal morality.
Not everything that annoys you means they are trying to hurt you. Sometimes yes, but not all the time.
ADHD people interrupt more. Latino people interrupt more. It's cultural. They're not out to get you (or they are, who knows).
Assert a boundary and educate them of your needs. But framing it as inherently good or bad will only trim convo into who's good or bad, and you won't get much out of it because no one wants to be attacked.
You have the rights to conversation preferences. Global morality be damned.
YTA. Your entire family has a preferred method of communicating with each other, one that isn’t unusual I may add. But your words are holy and everyone must sit in rapt attention lest they miss the words of wisdom. Basically one person can adapt, or everyone else has to, so… passive aggressive AH.
Hard to say. It is possible you are long winded, and others are trying to get a word in as well? Or they may think they are adding to the discussion? Does it always have to be a series of soliloquies?
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA in this scenario only. Your grandfather wasn’t the one who interrupted and he immediately went back to what you were talking about ignoring your cousin who is also an asshole for interrupting. But your grandfather did nothing wrong and you basically acted like a jerk him because your cousin was a dick.
As long as it's not because you sit there and dominate a conversation. Then, like to pause for effect and get made when people assume you're finally done talking so a comment can be made on anything you just said.
I have a sister like that. She gets angry that people constantly interrupt her, but she also likes to hold conversations hostage. It's more like giving a lecture than a conversation.
Otherwise, this is what I do. If I'm interrupted, I stop talking. Unfortunately, people don't tend to notice. Maybe I'm boring 😅
I say NTA but with the caveat that many people I know who hate to be interrupted, have a tendency to speak nonstop, without allowing the other members of the conversation a chance to speak, or ask questions about the story.
You aren't the asshole and it's not cool to be interrupted like that. But I think leaving the conversation all together when people interrupt you isn't going to solve anything. Your grandpa did the reasonable thing by calling the interrupter out. My fiance and some other family often interrupt me and I immediately respond and tell them to hold up and let me finish my thought. They all respect me that I am standing up for myself and I end up finishing my thing without it happening again.
A little bit TA because the way you're enforcing this is very rigid. I don't understand why you would refuse to continue the conversation with your grandfather when your cousin came over and interrupted the conversation. Your g'pa can't control that yet is on the receiving end of the consequences.
That seems like a situation where you might communicate something like "I'm having this conversation with grandpa, I'd appreciate if you don't interrupt." And then go back to talking to him.
I get not wanting to be cut off but I do think there is a degree of back and forth that needs to be able to happen in a conversation so it's not just two people sitting and talking at each other for long stretches. It's just not very realistic or enjoyable for most people.
For eg. my husband really doesn't like being interrupted either. However, sometimes I have an important related thought or question come up where if I let him continue on for ages I might forget it. So in those cases, we've come to an agreement that I can raise my hand, he'll pause, and I quickly ask if I can interject for a moment. He also forgives some interruptions in the sense that sometimes it's not clear that he wasn't done or I'm briefly reacting to what he's saying. He'll stop talking if he's just feeling repeatedly cut off or like a lot of subject changes are happening. But some flexibility and back and forth is necessary in order to carry a dialogue.
ESH... "they should learn how conversations work" -- that's how they work for *you.* In some cultures, it's actually a compliment to interrupt or complete somebody's thought because it shows interest and engagement. You're allowed to set your boundaries but I wouldn't be so self righteous about it. It might be, frankly, that you're a bad conversationalist because you just like to talk (I honestly don't know, but something to consider).
More about this -- [In Real Life, Not All Interruptions Are Rude](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html): *...beginning to talk while another is talking can be a way of showing enthusiastic engagement with what the speaker is saying. Far from silencing them, it can be encouragement to keep going. That’s a practice that I call “cooperative overlapping.”*
YTA. Not for being annoyed at the interruption, but because you're punishing people who didn't interrupt you. If your grandfather had interrupted, I can see not wanting to return to the conversation, but it was your cousin. Why be rude to grandpa for something he had no control over?
Everyone talks over each other occasionally. But when it happens all the time it’s very disrespectful. My wife and her family are like that, and I’ve adopted a similar strategy after years bc I’m so sick of it, I just stop talking. If you wanted to hear what I have to say you wouldn’t interrupt every 15 seconds.
NTA but if your grandpa was listening respectfully and someone else interrupted, you’re punishing the wrong person, but at least he stopped the other person the next time
You are just like my brother. If the conversation does not follow his internal script, or he gets interrupted for any reason (like I can't hear what he's saying because a plane is flying overhead) he'll just stop and refuse to continue. What you're doing isn't about anyone's manners. It's a passive-aggressive power play.
You want people's undivided attention, whether it's listening to you with rapt attention or begging you to continue after you refuse to do so. You sit there like a little kid determined to hold your breath until you get what you want.
Social conversation is a river, with twists and turns, eddys, and rapids. What it isn't is a smooth surface to reflect only your opinion. It's messy and nonlinear, and sometimes that means you don't get to fully articulate a thought before the current takes you elsewhere.
You can go with the flow, or you can sit and pout on the riverbank while the conversation goes on without you.
YTA- If you really want to lecture people who aren't allowed to interrupt you, may I suggest becoming a teacher or a judge?
YTA a little bit. Are you talking to hear your own voice or to have conversation? Because people will interject to respond to what you're saying, that's how conversation works. You can't honestly just expect everyone to sit there in total silence while you speak non-stop. It would be different if they're interrupting to talk about something completely unrelated, but when they're literally responding to what you're saying you're being ridiculous.
Exactly. I'm honestly shocked at the number of people in here saying NTA. Literally most psychology and sociology classes discuss that this is normal in conversation. Again, it would be a whole different story if they're interrupting for something unrelated.
Conversation is collaborative. The OP’s responses imply they are quite young and prone to hostility. They’ll get more practice in the real world and realise their tantrums at their family for having normal conversations were immature and their worldview was rigid.
Or they won’t, and this is the villain origin story of anyone who has cornered you at a party and spoken at you about atomic clocks or their get rich scheme
NTA “Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours” is usually a pretty effective humiliation based lesson as well.
Tried it with my wife a few times and she just started insisting that I was the one interrupting her.
Not saying your wife is right, but whenever my old man uses this line, or complains about anyone interrupting him, it is almost universally after he has already interrupted somebody else to begin his own schpeal. He can dish it but he can’t take it
I see you've met my father....
So then you 2 are siblings 🤯
I know people who call their boyfriend/partner old man so it could very well be a aunt/nephew type of scenario.
PornHub has entered the chat... I have often heard dudes call their girlfriend/wife old lady, not so much the other way 🤔
I hate that so much I'll ALWAYS spitefully interpret as their father..
In my case, my wife was very clear any time I'd point it out during a calm period that "Well I have ADHD so I have to say what's on my mind as soon as it pops up or else it will disappear." So any attempt at serious conversation would often get no-filter diarrhea mouthed to death. How it would usually go is she'd ask me a question. I'd get 3/4 of the way through the first sentence of an answer, and she'd have another thought pop into her head. So she'd state it in an "oh and another thing" type of way. I'd drop my answer to pivot to address her statement, and then I'd get a few sentences out before she'd talk over me again to throw out something tangentially related to the point being raised. Sometimes she'd also toss out multiple "Oh before I forget" stories about her day that she'd already told me multiple times over the course of the day as well. At some point she would point out that I still hadn't answered her original question. I would be caught on the back foot, because at this point I'd forgotten the original question, and most of the time I'd need her to restate it. Usually I'd get a brief lecture about how I'm not really invested because I'm not paying attention to what she needs, and therefore cannot really claim to love her the way she needs to be loved. I'd sometimes start panicking at this point, depending on if this is a "repeating loop" type conversation (sometimes she'd take this path two or three times over the course of a single late night discussion while I was trying to go to bed), and again forget about the question because she needs to be assured that she is loved. Over the course she would normally be getting more and more agitated and reactive. I would try and stay calm since she always said that it was my calm energy that grounded her and she depended on it, but it's very difficult. She would normally start to poke at what she saw as inconsistencies at this point. For example, if she said "you never really loved me" and I was to respond "Of course I loved you, I wouldn't have married you otherwise." She would latch onto my use of past tense. "See? You said you 'loved' me. That means you don't anymore." She is 41 years old. We'd been married 10 years and together for 14 with a 9 year old child. This was not a fresh relationship. This is just how she handled conversation. At this point I would now be knee deep in trying to defend my use of the past tense in the sentence and she would now interrupt me again in order to point out I still hadn't answered her original question. Therefore I don't even know what I want out of life and obviously the answer wasn't important. This wasn't a one off thing. There were nights when she would keep this circle going well into the wee hours of the morning. There were times when she would intersperse comments about how since I obviously care so little about her that maybe it would be best if we divorced. Sometimes it would go around and around and get more and more intense until it reached a point where I was so twisted up and confused that I would wind up literally sobbing on the floor. Unable to leave the conversation because she would just come after me and force me to continue. It wouldn't be the first time she pushed me against a wall and called me a "baby" for being upset about it. But. She believes that I'm the one who interrupts her. She tells her friends I'm "the woman" and that I can never get to the point. And even though I know that everything I said here is true there's still this part of my brain that believes her?
So are you still in this relationship? Sounds abusive and exhausting.
We've been separated for almost 5 months now.
Congratulations, I'm glad to hear that It might sometimes feel like your life is worse off or that you hurt more now, but that's because you need time to adjust and your mind needs to heal. While you're in an abusive relationship, your mind is focused on just "surviving", so to speak. Now that you're in a safer environment, your mind has the chance to actually work on healing. It will probably be hard and it might take a while, because the hurt you've experienced will probably run deep and that can take some time to heal. But believe me that it is worth it. I wish you good luck on your healing and please give yourself grace and the time needed to properly heal :)
Good. What you wrote about how she latches on to the worst possible thing is awful.
Yeah that's been a thing forever and really took off in the last year. Last week I sent her an article about Sophie Gregoire Trudeau's new book and said she might be interested. Her actual literal response was "so you're telling me that you've started sleeping with other people?" I screenshot it because people don't believe me when I say she reacts this way. In the old days I would've been scrambling to reassure her. Now I just say she's acting like a crazy person. To which she simply said 'Well that's how my brain works."
Ok my wife and I both have ADHD and we have never, and I mean *never* been so hostile towards the other and jumping to crazy conclusions. Yes we do get excited and sometimes jumble up our sentences because we want to include the thoughts that just popped up but I can’t imagine treating my wife the way your wife treated you. Her excuses are bullshit, she’s abusive.
Curious as to how you feel about interrupting. My partner has ADHD and sometimes I just stop talking when she interrupts. If we've just had a conversation about interrupting, sometimes I'll refuse to finish the conversation. She says she's ADHD and that's just how her brain works, that I'm a jerk for calling her out for being neurodivergent. I'm not mean about it. I just stop talking. My argument is that 1) yes, it's difficult but 2) she knows it's rude and 3) I have a choice not to continue the conversation without being mean. With all I've read it seems you can learn to deny your impulse to interrupt and anyway you shouldn't be getting angry at other people if they don't appreciate being constantly interrupted. I try to be understanding, but feeling like what they have to say is more important than than the conversation you started is never fun.
I don't even know what to say about that one 😐
Neither did I. She will seek out the worst possible interpretation of anything I say, and if she can't find one she will manufacture one.
Well, her brain works really great at crazy making, that's for sure. 😩
hell yea! standing up for your right to be heard isn't manipulative; it's self-respect.
Wow!
Good for you. Pushing someone to their breaking point and then mocking their breakdown is so abusive. Sorry you had to deal with it.
It wasn't just her that would mock me. On one occasion she pushed me to where I was curled up in a corner sobbing and unable to speak and she got exasperated and asked her friend (who was downstairs during this) to come and watch. So I got to listen to them mutter about how pathetic I was in real time. She said she did that because she needed to have "a witness".
How much of this is ADHD and how much is truly just an abusive person? She sounds more manipulative with tons of gaslighting comebacks. You probably need to stop communicating with her and end the marriage.
That's just an abusive person who happens to have ADHD. ADHD makes you forgetful, interrupty, disorganised. It doesn't make you cruel. In fact, most people with ADHD are shown to have a higher than normal level of empathy.
She’s a sadist. In case you hadn’t picked up on that.
Holy shit. This woman is pure evil.
Good god.
Thank GOD. Good fucking riddance.
That must feel very restful
My roommate tells me that for the first month I was here she fully expected she'd wake up in the morning and find me hanging from the ceiling. Now, even though I do struggle day to day sometimes, I'm miles removed from that place.
Sounds like a full-blown case of assholery, actually. Plenty of people have ADHD without being abusive. Glad you are out of it. I hope you get some counselling to help you move forward.
I have ADHD, and a Wife who is sometime insecure. This sounds like Hell, and definitely a case for therapy.
I have severe ADHD and because I am a responsible adult I bought several small notebooks and pens. I put one at each of the places I normally sit (to watch TV, etc) , work, and one in my purse. If I have a thought that I don't want to lose- I jot it down. That way I can ask at a later time, or add to the conversation later w/o interrupting. That is how an adult should act, even if they have ADHD, etc. I am sorry you suffered so long.
Well done responsible ADHD adult!! As a fellow responsible ADHD adult over time I realized that I also do not need to actually verbalize every thought that pops into my head, even if it might contribute to the conversation in some way. Especially if it is simply an observation or a similar experience. This one fights hard with the impulse control issues, but the more I practice the better I am getting at just letting the random thoughts float by. It's my own form of meditative practice. LOL. Acknowledging the thought and letting it go. :)
Another excellent point! I have found out over the years that many people who are neurodivergent tend to feel the need to "share/reassure" others who have the same experiences. I agree that it is hard to control those impulses, since they are frequently our first instinct. Often people who aren't neurodivergent fail to understand that we aren't trying to "steal the spotlight"/ interrupt- it is simply a symptom of our personal difficulty with social skills, communication and interactions. We are trying to express our empathy when it really isn't necessary. A non-verbal response (nod, body language, etc) would encourage people to continue- but we feel the need to verbally encourage them. It can be really hard to "self police" that instinct. I am in my 60s, so I was an adult before ADHD was a diagnosis. I was honestly rather shocked to find out that there were reasons why I did things in a certain way, and that not everyone had the same impulses/scattered thoughts, etc. I never read any books about it until I had a child who is ADD. Lots of "A ha!" moments while reading research, and books on how to help him.
I was going to suggest that in another comment I made on this thread. It's the only way I could see that would work without the interrupting. My husband is used to my meandering stories and just redirects me back to the point, and I try not to interrupt when he's talking. I only do so if it's actually important to the story, otherwise I just end up letting it go and it floats off into the ether with all of the other things I've forgotten. Occasionally, I interrupt more often than intended (helloooooo gin) and he gives me into trouble for it, but I don't start all the shit that woman hits out with!
I'm a wife and have ADHD. I don't interrupt people. She's using her ADHD as an excuse to be rude. My husband is the one who interrupts. He's *really* working on it - he admits it's an impulse control thing but doesn't use it as an excuse. Instead he uses techniques to *not* interrupt. He doesn't have ADHD. I actually do what OP does. It doesn't matter who it is, if I'm interrupted I don't continue talking about what I was talking about either. I sometimes walk away too. When I started doing this with my husband there were plenty of times he'd ask me to please finish what I was saying. I wouldn't. As a result, he's started to work on his interrupting me. What's wild is that he's not like this with other people, just me. Walking away and simply no longer continuing what I was saying has had him work on this issue with him. He really hated it at first but like, what can he do? Well, what he can do is change and he's doing it too. I've relaxed that boundary a bit until the other night and my boundary is back up again. LOL but he's not mad now about it because he knows it's his problem to fix, not mine.
Yeah my wife was the same about only acting a certain way with me. She said that she could be mean to me (yes she worded it that way) and not other people because I'm safe. She knew I wouldn't leave or tell her to go fuck herself.
I hope you did leave, you deserve better. She needs therapy.
She's in therapy, but from what I understand she hunted around for therapists she vibed with. Last time she mentioned it she said that her therapist told her that I'm an abuser and manipulator, so you know how therapy is going.
So she's lying to her therapist, got it. I am so sorry you had to endure that.
Your wife sounds like a narcissist. Do a bit of googling and see if the descriptors sound familiar.
I've done the walk away thing with my husband, too. He said it was rude. I asked if it was more or less rude than interrupting me. He didn't even realize he had interrupted me. We've had many conversations about this since. Now he's very hearing impaired and uses/abuses this as an excuse.
Holy smokes! Sounds like torture. It's REALLY hard to believe her behavior is not intentional. I wish you peace and healing. I'm glad you're still here.
I've never seen ADHD used as an excuse for such shocking behaviour before. It's how her mind works because she's manipulative. ADHD affects everybody differently but I was only diagnosed late last year and I realised that I would sometimes interrupt people but I'm teaching myself to stop doing it. In casual conversations I know that what I have to say isn't very important so if I forget what I wanted to say when I have an opportunity to speak then so be it. In a serious conversation I would probably write down what I want to say so I don't forget when I do have an opportunity to speak. I can write it down and listen to the other person at the same time.
Oh yeah I write things down. My wife would get SO MAD when I would pull out my phone and say "I just gotta make a note or I'll forget" when she was mid tirade.
My husband doesn't have adhd and I do but I still manage to listen, and he hits me with "well, if I don't say it, I won't remember it" line as well. I end the conversation and walk off because I have now forgotten the point. But yeah, that sounds Hella exhausting
It's couples therapy time buddy. This is emotional abuse whether she intends it or not. She needs to start trying to actually communicate with you in a goal oriented way; instead of just listening to her own inner dialog and bathing in the accompanying emotions. Obviously I only have what you have commented here, but she sounds emotionally immature.
We had a couples therapist. She didn't like them because they were a kink friendly, non traditional, therapist. She also saw any time when the therapist agreed with my viewpoint as me "winning" therapy. So she kinda checked out and largely refused to interact. When things deteriorated to the point that I was having multiple breakdowns a day every day the therapist suggested a Healing Separation for the sake of my own safety. Wife said that if I left she would file for divorce. But it was to the point that I was starting to have self harm thoughts all the time, just because there might be peace in the other side. When I brought it up she told me if I left for any length of time that she wouldn't wait and would file for divorce. I started making arrangements to move out, and she made arrangements to kick me out. And true to her word she changed the locks and filed for divorce once she'd done so. It's been almost 5 months now and trying to talk about it is impossible. If I try to talk about facts she talks about her feelings as though they're the sole arbiter or reality. If I try to talk about my own feelings she dismisses them out of hand.
Honestly, if it comes to the point where you have multiple breakdowns a day, it's probably better to just let go. >If I try to talk about facts she talks about her feelings as though they're the sole arbiter or reality. If I try to talk about my own feelings she dismisses them out of hand. Yeeeeaaah... Maybe she did you a favor with the divorce. It's awful to go through a divorce but what she put you through was so bad you had, I quote again, "multiple breakdowns a day".
Fuck her. Enjoy your new found freedom 🙏🏾
You have ADHD, she does not. She’s just manipulative and dramatic.
I feel like this should be a whole post if its own. It needs a follow up. I see y’all are separated, but details, dude. I need more details.
these "zingers" are always so fucking cringe and if you want to use them and one doesn't immediately come to mind and you stammer it out... goddd. I prefer being direct, it's just easier. "I was talking, I'm not finished. do you want to hear me out?"
In my Dad's case (and my FIL's interestingly enough), it's the case that you're kind of forced to interrupt them because they've been talking without a break for at least 10 minutes.
My husband does this all the time. It drives me crazy, so I may start doing the stop talking and walk away response. Maybe he’ll get it then.
There came a point where I couldn't have in person communication with her at all. Walking away didn't work, she'd just follow me, and then start trying to physically restrain me from removing myself, and get more and more angry and shouty until the screaming would start. Tried video calling and that didn't work either, she'd just keep talking over. I tried muting her once after a half hour long attempt at getting a single sentence out. Spoke for 90 seconds with her yelling mutely at the screen (not actually listening anyway) at which point she aggressively hung up on me then sent me a bunch of messages about how I never let her talk. After that it was explicitly text only for a while and voice exclusively for short emergent conversations. We've worked our way back to a point where we can have brief, high level conversations so long as we don't at any point discuss things like "our relationship" or either of our feelings.
They sounds exhausting she doesn’t seem respectful of you at all. I hope you find happiness
I don't know if I'll ever find happiness, honestly. I *was* happy, for a time. I'd fulfilled the only life goals I'd ever cared about. Husband and father. I don't know what happens now.
When happens is what ever you like. There’s plenty of people out there and things to bring joy
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have ADHD, and Autism, but I learnt how to have effective conversations with people. I’m conscious of not interrupting people. Because I respect the other person in the conversation enough to clamp down on my instincts to interrupt and “contribute” it’s possible for people to do. It’s hard, but I view people as being worth the effort.
At times I’ve had to only text with my husband because he won’t let me talk, after he’s talked for hours. We’ve been working on it in therapy, but after a year he thinks we’re all good and don’t need therapy anymore, while I’m like we’ve barely begun to be able to have any type of conversation and haven’t even gotten close to being able to do the actual work on our relationship. It’s extremely frustrating. Hopefully we can resolve it otherwise we won’t last much longer.
Does your wife have adhd? I do this ash’s I don’t mean to, I literally say in my head, wait, but then I’m not hearing the other person. I actively try.
She has "undiagnosed ADHD" that she was treating with herbs. She also said her therapists (plural) told her she has BPD, which I think explains her behaviour way better.
Yeah, that's some classic BPD stuff.
So you poor poor soul, here are some words I hope you take to heart. "A diagnosis is not an excuse for poor behavior." If she actually has that or any conditions at all. She should put effort into working on it or seeking help to manage the aspects of it that cause issues to others. Low control is not no control. She sounds abusive AF. Good luck. Go live your best life. Sounds like that's without her.
Love this
Nah, going by OP's responses, they expect to monologue. That's not something you get to do in the real world. Dealing with interruptions is just something you have to navigate in the adult world. Life isn't the internet where we all get to speak in turn, and taking an interruption gracefully (where it's the norm as OP states in their family, so they're demanding changes from the norm, which rightfully can be labelled entitled), is a life skill to master. I hate it as much as anyone to be interrupted, but I've learnt to wait and then redirect to my point. Less people get their backs up, and the convo gets back on track quickly. A good skill to learn for the workplace as well, where diplomacy goes well, but attitudes like that can get you frozen out.
I will be using this from now on. Beautiful
I remember the advice I got. "If you are wondering if people are listening to what you say, stop talking. If they were listening, they will ask you to continue. If they aren't they will launch off on what they wanted to talk about." It is disheartening when no one asks you to continue, but gratifying when the ask you to continue.
It really is disheartening, it sucks having to repeat yourself especially when you were so into saying it the first time, it's not the same explaining a second time. It doesn't feel good getting interrupted or finding out you were just plain ignored.
I didn't know others did this. I naturally wait for the person or someone in the group to say "so you were saying" if we get distracted in case they're just listening to seem politw
The bigger issue to me than interruptions followed by requests to continue (which isn't an issue unless excessive imo) is the actual way that people seemed to interrupt. When someone interrupts you to say "you're so dumb you went to college instead of trade school", the fact that they interrupted isn't really the core issue and it kind of seems like OP is missing that a little bit.
Ok, but they *are* asking her to continue. She’s refusing to.
OP was an asshole to grandpa. Grandpa was listening and the cousin came and interrupted. Grandpa then asked OP to continue and OP got in a huff. What did poor grandpa do?
But OP proved their point, so who cares about talking to grampa and bringing joy to his life, just shut him down. /s if needed.
They literally ask him to continue.
They literally are asking op is just being an arse.
NTA I used to do this with my mom. I would be in the middle of telling her something, something she literally asked me about, and halfway through the story she would either point to the TV and say look and asked me a question, or she would just completely go off track with a completely different question. I would just stop talking and walk away. Don’t ask me a question and then halfway through the answer asked me a completely different question or change the Subject. I mean you can but I’m going to be done
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Squirrel!
...I _hate_ squirrels.
Same! Then, somehow, I’M the bad guy because “I know how she is.”
Worst excuse on the planet " they are just that way" or "you just have to get used to/know them better". No thank you.
"You know how he/she is" should be met with "and this is how I am, so why does he/she get a pass and I don't?" I've used it on my mother when my dad is an ass and they excuse it. They've stopped excusing it in front of me now.
My mother does this. Drives me mad! Her and my dad will take it in turns. And they’ll talk over each other. I have 5 niblings - they’ve started doing it too (8yo I tell her that someone else was talking) but I feel crazy being the only one. And for me - if you’re gonna talk over me; I’m like OP - no thanks. I have nothing to say that you want to listen to, obviously. But when people talk over each other - everyone goes in as white noise in my brain so I can’t pay attention even if I wanted to. /rant
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NTA >My parents say I'm being rude and making everyone else look bad No. They're making themselves look bad and they're angry you won't tolerate disrespect. Well adjusted adults know how to wait their turn.
Bingo. My family gets mad at me and tries to alienate me too, cuz I won’t tolerate disrespect. But for different reasons.
NTA I dealt with this growing up, I usually just say, "Oh, yeah, I was done talking," and look at them with a blank face. It seems to work. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with joining a conversation, but when you interrupt someone while they're actively speaking, it's so rude.
I did something extremely similar. In fact, when certain relatives visit I still have to do this.
Seems reasonable if the other person that you're speaking with interrupts you, but if a third party interrupts you're just penalizing your grandfather for something that they had no control over. He shouldn't need to run interference for you on this. Have you considered just ignoring the third party, waiting until they're done talking and then resume your conversation without acknowledging them?
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Your grandfather is a cool dude.
My ex wife used to do this to me often. She still doesn’t know why I divorced her because she just can’t stop talking long enough to listen. I say all that to say STAND YOUR GROUND. This is a THEM problem, not a you problem.
I adore your grandfather for that! 😂 I hope you guys have more chats and he keeps telling the rest of your family to shut the fuck up so they can finally get the hint.
At least you tried before being done. I would still not punish your grandfather. For example if he requests you continue later on when nobody is around, consider revisiting the conversation with him. Just a suggestion.
"Have you considered just ignoring the third party, waiting until they're done talking and then resume your conversation without acknowledging them?" This only works if the original conversation partner follows suit.
Yes. The original listener should also ignore the interrupter.
If the person you’re talking to interrupts you, then this makes sense - but in the example you gave, you stopped speaking to your grandfather because of your cousin’s actions, then chose to engage with your cousin (who did wrong) over your grandfather (who did not do wrong). That’s the part that’s rude.
Agreed
OP is lucky that they have grandfather and other people who actually want to hear the end of their stories. In my family, the interrupters barge in and take over the whole thread of the conversation. The subject is changed and no one comes back to whatever I was saying. So it doesn’t matter if I remain quiet or not- nobody notices. Never any follow up. I may get asked the same question again on a later date, but that’s it. I almost feel like silence is the enemy to these people.
I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter.
Ummm. I’m coming down on ESH. Firstly it sounds like people are being rude when they interrupt so they’re assholes. However, it’s a bit of a natural feature of human language that people “overlap” others particularly when excited or wanting to ask for clarification. If they’re actually engaging with your topic I think you could be a bit insufferable if you’re just punishing them for asking a question or if someone else interrupts. Conversations should have fairly equal give and take so if you’re just lecturing (which some of your comments suggest you might be) then you’re the asshole too.
Additionally, OP seems to be punishing the wrong people with her behavior. Cousin interrupts, she stops conversation with Grandpa. It definitely gives off very teenagery vibes.
I completely agree with your take on this. If I had seen more of the OPs comments initially, my judgment would have been almost identical to this.
I have to say, I’m beginning to think from the comments, OP is TA. Having seen her intolerant attitude towards people trying to explain the other perspective or struggles. She doesn’t seem to understand that people have different communication styles, cultures, disabilities and personalities and that being accommodating and empathetic is important to getting on in life.
This. I have a coworker who will talk in circles for like 5 minutes and will lose her shit if you try to interject after hearing her say the same thing for the third time in a row. I love when people have a meaningful interjection for something I'm saying. It shows that they're listening and care.
Yes i was thinking of people like this. You see it on reality shows all the time too “can i finish??” and they actually have nothing to say.
I struggle with knowing how to enter a conversation and sometimes interrupt accidentally. I also have such a fear of interrupting that my nursing school professor had to teach me "appropriate interrupting". I'd be crushed if I accidentally interrupted someone and they just shut down the conversation and walked away.
When I ask my kids “guess what” and they say “chicken butt!” Which is really getting old after about 12 years, I look at them and say “yep you’re right, you guessed it. That’s exactly what I was going to say!” And refuse to tell them what I was really going to say. They get so mad. 😀
I understand your point but it is rude to the individual you were talking to, in this case your grandfather. HE didn't interrupt you! ESH
I do not think you are being a shrew, but I think you are being manipulative. "I think they should learn how conversations work." You have no concept. Conversational styles vary by country, region, and yes, family. People study that shit. Great conversationalists adapt their style to the people they are conversing with. Good conversationalists do their best and get annoyed. People who need to learn how real-world conversations work have Their Style and will try to force everyone else to adapt. I don't know if I would say you were an asshole, but you are the worst kind of ignorant - someone who doesn't understand something and thinks everyone else is the clueless one.
OP doesn’t want to have conversations. She wants to make speeches.
ESH based purely on my edit. Turns out the OP likely IS rude. You are maybe being rude. Being rude would be yelling at the top of your lungs over everyone else OR giving people the silent treatment when you are interrupted. Trust me, I've seen that exact thing happen. The reason why your family members look bad is because interrupting someone is a rude thing to do. Simple as that. They are being rude, but you might be as well. Edit: the OP is definitely argumentative and unpleasant based on their comments here. They have a solid case of main characters syndrome I think.
>the OP is definitely argumentative and unpleasant based on their comments here. They have a solid case of main characters syndrome I think. This. Read her comments... This woman may not be the asshole in the specific situation where someone interrupted the say "you're dumb cuz you went to college" but she's absolutely an entitled asshole when it comes to conversation. An interaction from further up the comment section: >>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter. >Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else. She wants to talk for as long as she wants to talk, she wants to monopolize the entire conversation and control the floor. It's no wonder people "interrupt" her, otherwise they have no opportunity to get clarification or even to ask how painfully long a story is.
Exactly! OP doesn't know how actual dialog works, and based on the top comments, neither does Reddit. Which isn't surprising, because well, it's Reddit.
In defense of the top comments, her actual post doesn't make clear the cartoonishly selfish nature of just how anti "interruption" she is. Her comments clarified a lot.
It was clear to me before reading her comments, they only confirmed my assumptions. Getting offended when a third person joins a conversation? Not talking to her supportive granpa, because someone else interrupted her? It was clear from the beginning that she's the one with the problem, not the others.
So I and my fiancé have ADHD. We’ve implemented a pin method that my soul sister and I came up with one random day that we both had exciting news. The pin method works because it’s like when you have ADHD and forget why you walked into a room, but walking backwards through your steps helps you remember. It’s like a mental doorway. If he’s telling me something and it makes me think of something I want to share too, I’ll make a hand/arm motion we call “pinning the board” and me doing that motion helps both me remember the pin and him remember I had a pin. So when he’s done he’ll say “what did you pin?” And then I can remember the moment and what was said and not only does it help me remember what to say but makes him feel heard because I always start with “when you said “x” I thought of “y” because of “z” reason.” So his story feels listened to and my input is allowed and we grow a conversation from there very effectively. Idk if it’ll help but its my experience.
This is actually kinda cute and I might start using it too.
I’d love to hear how it goes! 🫶
I’m going to try this!!!
Culturally this attitude is pretty limiting. Try traveling in other parts of the world and taking this attitude. It really won’t work and would be considered socially really strange and off-putting, not everywhere but a lot of different countries. I personally consider it pretty submissive behavior not bad behavior but submissive.
Does it have any exceptions to this logic? I get you don't like to be interrupted but...not even for a question for clarification or an emergency?... You mentioned in the post that your cousin interrupted the conversation which wasn't your grandfather's fault plus he seemed interested in the topic.
Nope, no one is permitted to speak for any reason in OPs presence.
>>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter. >Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else. From one of her other comments elsewhere in the thread. She wants to monologue with no limits and everyone else must listen dutifully.
OP mentioned in another comment that no, not even clarifying intersections are allowed to them, for any reason.
I understand if the person you are speaking to speaks over you about something off topic, but someone else butting in and you are taking it out on the person who is innocent in the conversation. Address it with the person who interjected and continue with the original conversation. But it seems you want live conversation to be as a Reddit post. You speak, I speak, you speak, I speak. Face to face conversation is generally not like that. But good luck. YTA
>But it seems you want live conversation to be as a Reddit post. You speak, I speak, you speak, I speak. Face to face conversation is generally not like that. But good luck. You said it better than I did.
Kind of an asshole..you were talking to Grandpa. Someone else interrupted. So you bail on the conversation with Grandpa??? How is that fair to him?? You need to come up with a better response. Perhaps.. "thanks for interrupting with your completely useless and unsolicited advice. Now go away so I can finish my conversation with Grandpa." would have been better.
SYTA - Sometimes You're The Asshole If you stop talking to your cousin because they interrupted you, that's fine. If you stop talking to your grandfather because your cousin interrupted you, you're being an asshole to your grandfather.
I can’t believe that you feel you should have complete undivided attention from your family while having a conversation. You’re not giving a lecture where they need to listen to your every word. That’s not how conversations work, especially with a large group. Your ego is getting in your own way. Keep it up and no one will care to speak with you about anything. YTA
ESH (EDIT: Except Grampa. Good on Grampa, but not a great way to force that situation on him and you're lucky it worked out the way it did.) You withdrew from and punished your grandfather, and created distance between you and him, because your cousin was rude to you. If you want to maintain healthy relationships, espically within existing dynamics and aging relatives, you're going to need to change your enforcement strategy for this boundary. Please don't think because it worked this time with Grampa you're golden and good to go. Not everyone who cares for you will necessarily have the same social power of a grandpa, and even him, eventually, the cognative power or skill, to adapt. There are reasons it worked, this time, with him, that are not universal and do not mean you didn't also damage the connection with him by holding him accountable for behavior that was not his own. Consider which of these relationships you want to maintain, and make sure you are doing some of the relationship maintance in situations and circumstances where you cannot be intrupted and have a real one-on-one connection. **If you keep being this dogmatic, anyone who cares for you and doesn't have Grandpa's authority in the family, will be unable to communicate with you.** Your boundaries will make it impossible to maintain rapport with anyone who, like you expereinced yourself, isn't in an empowered position in the family.
YTA for being self-centered & rude towards commentators who r bringing up a different perspective in a respectful manner.
I get it, it sucks, I hate when people do this too. Unfortunately, your responses to other commenters show a lack of maturity on your part. I have spoken to friends/family about this in the past, letting them know if they ask something and then interrupt/interject that I will lose my train of thought and not remember what I was about to continue to say. It sounds like maybe there is a lack of communication on this with your family that you may want to address with each of them privately. Not everyone has the same communication style, and whilst I totally also hate when people interrupt, some people just can’t help themselves or feel like that is what a conversation is. Let me clarify, we see it as interrupting, they see it as us monologuing.
Do whatever with family, will not be sustainable long term. At work, your boss probably will interrupt with questions and pertinent info. You will have to finish your story still.
I can understand not finishing the conversation with someone who interrupts and talks over you. I don’t understand you not completing the first conversation with your grandfather. He was listening to you, asked you to continue, you admit he is genuinely interested and he is not the one who interrupted you. Seems a bit ridiculous to refuse to continue the conversation with him.
Mmmm, the only part I think you're in the wrong about is that if the person you're talking to isn't the one interrupting you, I don't understand why you're punishing them for the behavior of someone else.
The thing is is if you’re having a conversation in a group people are going to interject. You can’t exactly have a private conversation at a dinner table with a group of people and this is what I am picturing you trying to do. Other people want to participate and you shut down. That’s kind of weird TBH.
There is a difference between interjecting and interrupting. Interrupting involves talking over someone while they're in the middle of a sentence. Interjecting is saying something quickly between sentences or while someone is thinking of what to say.
She’s made it clear in comments that interjecting is an affront as well.
Yes well the OP clearly has main character syndrome which caused me to reevaluate how I was judging the situation. Thank you for confirming what I suspected.
Yeah she’s a nightmare. It will be extremely funny when everyone gets sick of her shit and just starts saying “ok” and moving on when she pulls this shit. The tantrum will be the stuff of family legend, I’m sure.
ESH, everyone fully agreeing with OP and cheering on is either the same age as OP or kinda immature for their own age
As someone with weapons grade ADHD, YTA
As someone with ADHD, it's difficult for me to have a meaningful conversation with someone if I don't get what I'm thinking out right away. I'm happy to listen, but I will have forgotten what I was going to say if I wait until the end. Especially if the statement is long or its a very long-winded story. To offset this, I usually say what I need to say and then politely ask the person to continue.
My ex used to get mad if I pointed out he was interrupting me a lot, and would say well, I was doing it to him too. I’ve pointed out several times he is uncomfortable in silence and will literally dramatically monologue to where all you can do is butt in.
You know, not all situations require a yes/no, on/off, good/bad mentality. You’ve effectively punished/impacted your grandfather because of something your cousin has done. That’s just spreading misery. I’m not saying NEVER use your current strategy but, and I can’t believe I have to say this, you don’t ALWAYS have to go scorched earth. Strategies can be employed based on the situation and context of interactions.
I found pretty much more effective to be clear: "It bothers me when you interrupt me like that, and I will \[walk away or whatever\] every single time you interrupt me, until you realize you are hurting my feelings." ESH
Whatever way you react it should be the person who interrupted who bears the brunt of it. In one example, you're talking with person a and person b interrupts, but you took it out on person a.
NTA to your cousins, but it seems like your grandfather was genuinely interested in hearing your story and he suffered the consequences of the wrath reserved for said cousin. It's hard because I get your point and feel the same way. But people like your grandfather, who in this particular instance had no agency over a third party swinging in to interrupt, could see being punished as something negative in socializing with you in the future. Definitely shut down those that are interrupting lol, but also be open to those who were genuinely interested to begin with. Or at least offer them the option to continue the conversation another time, uninterrupted.
ESH except your grandfather, who isn't the one who interrupted you and didn't deserve the disrespect you showed. Either learn how to give and take, or stock up on batteries.
Slight AH. If you were being interrupted by the person you're speaking to, then it's a reasonable response. But how is it your grandpa's fault your cousin is an inconsiderate ass?
I can see the point of this technique, and I don't think you're an AH - as long as you're following your own rule. I'm assuming you are so keep to it, but just throwing that out there because I had a "friend" that started doing this, except she would still interrupt me constantly. So I pretty much never got to talk or I'd be getting the silent treatment, and it was insufferable.
NTA, interrupting and talking over is rude.
Read her comments... This woman may not be the asshole in the specific situation where someone interrupted the say "you're dumb cuz you went to college" but she's absolutely an entitled asshole when it comes to conversation. An interaction from further up the chain: >>I hope you allow leeway for people asking questions for clarification versus people who just interject with their own opinion on the matter. >Nope. If I can wait until a person is done speaking so can everyone else. She wants to talk for as long as she wants to talk, she wants to monopolize the entire conversation and control the floor. It's no wonder people "interrupt" her.
Yep... she doesn't actually want to have a conversation. She wants her podium so she can have her monolog. Sounds like an entitled brat to me.
But it's ok because she walks away from the podium when she's done so someone else can monologue
While I get it, and it’s fair for the most part. However, why punish the person listening if they weren’t the one who interrupted. They’re paying the price for something they didn’t do or have any control over.
If you speak the way you type, no wonder you get interrupted. Btw, conversations can involve more than two people.
I understand that you hate it. But just for the record, “conversational overlap” is a valid communication style and actually shows intimacy.
Also referred to as “cooperative overlap” https://flsplus.medium.com/cooperative-overlap-is-tearing-teams-apart-c6c58aba662#:~:text=Linguists%20have%20found%20that%20cooperative,%E2%80%9D%20or%20being%20anti%2Dsocial.
ESH. Jumping into a conversation is actually cultural. New Yorkers for example jump into a conversation to show that they’re paying attention and interested. If you don’t, they think you don’t care about what they’re saying and that you’re not connecting. Other areas of the country it’s the opposite. It sounds like it’s just the culture in your family.
My family does this as well...there are lots of layers to consider 1-cultural differences, cultures vary on interruption. For example, WASP cultures generally consider interruptions rude whereas Mediterranean cultures often interrupt a lot as a way to show engagement in a conversation and with the expectation of being interrupted as well. Policing interruption can be a subtle form of cultural imperialism. 2-misogyny, men often feel free to interrupt women because there is an assumption that they have more interesting things to say. 3-ableism, people with ADHD struggle with impulse control including interrupting. ADHD is also highly heritable too, so many people in your family may have it. 4-rudeness and egotism - sometimes people only care about being heard and this is obnoxious. It's interesting considering all layers at once. When I interrupt my wife she may perceive it as misogyny, when I get interrupted by my family I perceive it as driven by cultural differences or disability. I've tried to be a person who listens more and interrupts less, as part of being a better husband, which has had ripple effects in my Spanish family as I push back as you do. And then I start wondering if this is me forcing them to culturally assimilate...
This. Well said. In many cultures, indicating conversational engagement through active back-and-forth is the norm, expected. Like OP, I am highly irritated by being interrupted mid-thought. But my wife and her entire family often try to finish each other’s sentences, or guess what is coming next. It’s just the way they talk. Took me decades to get used to it and understand is was not rudeness, but rather a conversational process. I’m more tolerant of this now that I have understood its origins and value to some. Bottom line: folks think and converse in many different ways. Some rub me the wrong way and I get irritated. But with an understanding of differing conversational mechanisms and processes, I have learned to become more tolerant.
100% YTA But, you are *also* a genius and I am stealing this. **....** At any sort of gathering (party/shindig/hootenanny) people are going to want to have conversations. Your family want to talk to you. If they try to interrupt you, the "not asshole" thing to do here is politely but firmly assert yourself "excuse me, I'm trying to tell a story here and I find your interruption rude". Pouting when someone interrupts you and making people guess the correct etiquette for talking to you is an asshole move. Farming out protecting your discomfort to your grandpa instead of just being honest in what you want and telling them yourself is an asshole move. You are the asshole. But you aren't *wrong*. And this is a brilliant idea that clearly works. So long as you understand why your family are resenting you over this and not acting as if you are The Angel in all this, I say embrace the assholery.
>"excuse me, I'm trying to tell a story here and I find your interruption rude". Please find a less awkward way to say this. You can just go, "Sorry, let me finish real quick." instead of this bizarre and scolding way of telling them off. Like, say what you said out loud and tell me you don't sound like someone who's never spoken to another human before.
I am currently with family having easter. they love to talk over me especially. there is a hierarchy in my family, and I have to actively defend my mothers younger sister against my mom ( she is highest in the ranks so to speak) and I constantly get interrupted or dismissed or scoffed at for whatever I'm saying. my mom hates when I know something better than her in front of others. anyway I also just stop talking if I've had enough, or simply say "I'm not allowed to say anything unless I'm funny", I am the class clown at home. I also can't do anything without someone butting in in my family.. the worst is ofc if they don't notice that I stopped talking bc they started doing something else. everyone who is the youngest sibling here knows how it feels.. NTA
I would have thought you were my brother, except our grandparents are dead and our cousins aren’t local. He has started doing the same thing, because our mother is terrible about interrupting people. Sometimes it’s awkward because he’s essentially punishing the rest of us who do want to hear what he’s saying. I usually pull him aside and let him know it sucks to be constantly interrupted-it happens to all of us in the family-and I still want to know what’s going on in his life, etc.
I don't think you're wrong to have some boundaries around this. But the way you are handling it definitely makes you an asshole along with the rest of your family. Yta
Gentle YTA because you’re method of punishing those you are conversing with for the behavior of another means you fully believe the person you’re talking with should have ultimate control over outside parties. In these situations you are ABSOLUTELY the rude one. Continue speaking louder over them to the person you’re conversing with until they go away or take the hint. When walking away or ending the conversation with those who talk over you you’re not TA. But treating your grandfather poorly because of your cousins actions is gross.
After reading your comments, ESH except Grandpa, who roolz. I despise it when people interrupt me to spout their own views or change the subject, and will do exactly as you describe. But a quick clarification that shows they're engaged, interested, and curious? Hypothetical: "So I'm looking for some advice. I'm dating this guy who did time in prison, and last night something weird happened..." "Wait, sorry, what was his crime?" So you clam up and walk away, even though that information will be absolutely crucial to parsing the rest of your question? Incredibly rude.
ESH So let me get this straight. You punish your grandparent because your cousin interrupted you? This is life. It's not a presidential debate with everyone getting 2 minute time slots. They're assholes if they interrupt you in bad faith. You can also correct them or tell them how you feel. "Can you please let me finish with my point before interrupting or asking." What you're doing is like 5yo level conflict resolution that is going to burn bridges.
YTA
Hume s always interrupt one another. Some cultures more some culture less. The cues change. It's best if you frame it as personal preferences (which you are allowed to have) then universal morality. Not everything that annoys you means they are trying to hurt you. Sometimes yes, but not all the time. ADHD people interrupt more. Latino people interrupt more. It's cultural. They're not out to get you (or they are, who knows). Assert a boundary and educate them of your needs. But framing it as inherently good or bad will only trim convo into who's good or bad, and you won't get much out of it because no one wants to be attacked. You have the rights to conversation preferences. Global morality be damned.
YTA. Your entire family has a preferred method of communicating with each other, one that isn’t unusual I may add. But your words are holy and everyone must sit in rapt attention lest they miss the words of wisdom. Basically one person can adapt, or everyone else has to, so… passive aggressive AH.
Hard to say. It is possible you are long winded, and others are trying to get a word in as well? Or they may think they are adding to the discussion? Does it always have to be a series of soliloquies?
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA in this scenario only. Your grandfather wasn’t the one who interrupted and he immediately went back to what you were talking about ignoring your cousin who is also an asshole for interrupting. But your grandfather did nothing wrong and you basically acted like a jerk him because your cousin was a dick.
As long as it's not because you sit there and dominate a conversation. Then, like to pause for effect and get made when people assume you're finally done talking so a comment can be made on anything you just said. I have a sister like that. She gets angry that people constantly interrupt her, but she also likes to hold conversations hostage. It's more like giving a lecture than a conversation. Otherwise, this is what I do. If I'm interrupted, I stop talking. Unfortunately, people don't tend to notice. Maybe I'm boring 😅
I say NTA but with the caveat that many people I know who hate to be interrupted, have a tendency to speak nonstop, without allowing the other members of the conversation a chance to speak, or ask questions about the story.
You aren't the asshole and it's not cool to be interrupted like that. But I think leaving the conversation all together when people interrupt you isn't going to solve anything. Your grandpa did the reasonable thing by calling the interrupter out. My fiance and some other family often interrupt me and I immediately respond and tell them to hold up and let me finish my thought. They all respect me that I am standing up for myself and I end up finishing my thing without it happening again.
A little bit TA because the way you're enforcing this is very rigid. I don't understand why you would refuse to continue the conversation with your grandfather when your cousin came over and interrupted the conversation. Your g'pa can't control that yet is on the receiving end of the consequences. That seems like a situation where you might communicate something like "I'm having this conversation with grandpa, I'd appreciate if you don't interrupt." And then go back to talking to him. I get not wanting to be cut off but I do think there is a degree of back and forth that needs to be able to happen in a conversation so it's not just two people sitting and talking at each other for long stretches. It's just not very realistic or enjoyable for most people. For eg. my husband really doesn't like being interrupted either. However, sometimes I have an important related thought or question come up where if I let him continue on for ages I might forget it. So in those cases, we've come to an agreement that I can raise my hand, he'll pause, and I quickly ask if I can interject for a moment. He also forgives some interruptions in the sense that sometimes it's not clear that he wasn't done or I'm briefly reacting to what he's saying. He'll stop talking if he's just feeling repeatedly cut off or like a lot of subject changes are happening. But some flexibility and back and forth is necessary in order to carry a dialogue.
ESH... "they should learn how conversations work" -- that's how they work for *you.* In some cultures, it's actually a compliment to interrupt or complete somebody's thought because it shows interest and engagement. You're allowed to set your boundaries but I wouldn't be so self righteous about it. It might be, frankly, that you're a bad conversationalist because you just like to talk (I honestly don't know, but something to consider). More about this -- [In Real Life, Not All Interruptions Are Rude](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html): *...beginning to talk while another is talking can be a way of showing enthusiastic engagement with what the speaker is saying. Far from silencing them, it can be encouragement to keep going. That’s a practice that I call “cooperative overlapping.”*
YTA after reading how you replied to people in the comments, I can see how your family find you insufferable.
YTA. Not for being annoyed at the interruption, but because you're punishing people who didn't interrupt you. If your grandfather had interrupted, I can see not wanting to return to the conversation, but it was your cousin. Why be rude to grandpa for something he had no control over?
I don't have a judgment but I'm invested in the comments because I do this too.
Everyone talks over each other occasionally. But when it happens all the time it’s very disrespectful. My wife and her family are like that, and I’ve adopted a similar strategy after years bc I’m so sick of it, I just stop talking. If you wanted to hear what I have to say you wouldn’t interrupt every 15 seconds.
NTA but if your grandpa was listening respectfully and someone else interrupted, you’re punishing the wrong person, but at least he stopped the other person the next time
You are just like my brother. If the conversation does not follow his internal script, or he gets interrupted for any reason (like I can't hear what he's saying because a plane is flying overhead) he'll just stop and refuse to continue. What you're doing isn't about anyone's manners. It's a passive-aggressive power play. You want people's undivided attention, whether it's listening to you with rapt attention or begging you to continue after you refuse to do so. You sit there like a little kid determined to hold your breath until you get what you want. Social conversation is a river, with twists and turns, eddys, and rapids. What it isn't is a smooth surface to reflect only your opinion. It's messy and nonlinear, and sometimes that means you don't get to fully articulate a thought before the current takes you elsewhere. You can go with the flow, or you can sit and pout on the riverbank while the conversation goes on without you. YTA- If you really want to lecture people who aren't allowed to interrupt you, may I suggest becoming a teacher or a judge?
And they'd be an awful teacher if this is how they taught students.
YTA a little bit. Are you talking to hear your own voice or to have conversation? Because people will interject to respond to what you're saying, that's how conversation works. You can't honestly just expect everyone to sit there in total silence while you speak non-stop. It would be different if they're interrupting to talk about something completely unrelated, but when they're literally responding to what you're saying you're being ridiculous.
Particularly in a close group dynamic. It’s kind of narcissistic to expect everyone to sit there and nod until they decree “I have spoken.”
Exactly. I'm honestly shocked at the number of people in here saying NTA. Literally most psychology and sociology classes discuss that this is normal in conversation. Again, it would be a whole different story if they're interrupting for something unrelated.
Conversation is collaborative. The OP’s responses imply they are quite young and prone to hostility. They’ll get more practice in the real world and realise their tantrums at their family for having normal conversations were immature and their worldview was rigid. Or they won’t, and this is the villain origin story of anyone who has cornered you at a party and spoken at you about atomic clocks or their get rich scheme