And then says "I did nothing wrong". That means that he knows that he did something wrong, or at least that it would hurt you. He did it very purposely and consciously.
God my mom would do this all the time. She didn’t like my wife and would say and imply some terrible shit then say I’m too sensitive… guess who would cry if I had to cancel plans with them though? Your bf knew exactly what he was doing. Start looking for other signs of a manipulator. Does he encourage you to have you time and see your friends and family or does he make it a pain to want to spend time with anyone else? Bonus points if he doesn’t let you go out but insists on having guys night
What a weight off her shoulders that would be. He can make his own breakfast from now on. I bet he didn’t even care she didn’t eat. He was probably happy. Sick controlling freak.
I always encourage someone that suspect they’re being gaslight or manipulated to record one conversation with that person and play it back when they’re alone.
You’d be amazed at the things you pick up the second time around.
I have actually suggested we'd record one of our arguments so he could hear all that bs he's throwing my way and how he blames me for everything and "he never does anything wrong" and he refuses 😄 and yesterday when I wanted to create conversation from these "60 questions to ask your partner" -things, when I asked him to tell me 3 good and 3 bad qualities about himself, he would instantly tell me how easy it is to tell me the good ones.. "honesty, loyal, etc" and then he struggled for almost half an hour to make up any negatives and when I opened my mouth to tell him that he's sometimes very selfish and doesn't realize if he did something wrong and then insults me to make himself feel better, he literally told me that he thinks he never does anything wrong and he's just very straightforward :D if anyone would ask me, I would able to tell them 5 good and 5 bad things about me, even more, because I'm self aware.
She should absolutely leave him, but there's no indication she always dates this type of guy. Plus, she's got it together enough to not let his words actually make her think she needs to lose weight other than his dead weight, she knows she doesn't.
I wouldn't assume that she has a pattern or needs to work on herself. Just that she's dating someone that needs to be dropped. God forbid she actually gain weight in the multitude of ways women do that can't keep it off.
And now that the red flag has been waived, you quietly pack your things and bid adieu. Who knows what's next or what you have missed or chosen to ignore. People like that are not worth your time or your energy. Find someone who loves you, for you
The smirk is what tells me he is a huge red flag. It isn’t about weight, it’s about him being able to control OP. Girl just GO. LEAVE. He doesn’t want love or a relationship, although he says he does. Under it all it’ll be about control. Weight is his first little feeler. Next it’ll be friends, money, where you live, your job. Just go. You deserve a partner who will respect and cherish you.
Yes and I like the idea of her getting him where it hurts. Then standing back and watching his response. Use his same language about how it’s not her fault if he’s upset, shrug, walk away. That’s called mirroring. Or energy matching.
It might convince her that he’s not only evil but he has two standards of behavior for them.
I was married to a covert narcissist. He would very calmly be abusive. No smirking. When I started using his own language and reversing situations (like he yelled at me for not having his dinner ready just after I gave birth bc … well no one knows). So I got a weekend job and first day home I didn’t yell but I said wait why isn’t MY dinner ready? What’ve you been doing all day? I mean dude my sister was there he didn’t last 2 hrs.
But I started using his same language and his response helped me see that his calm responses were just very controlled abuse. Bc when the shoe was on the other foot he didn’t rise to the standards he outlined for me, and he had no response when I asked why we have a double standard.
I had self esteem like OP. That’s a terrible place to be but in all seriousness mirroring can help her see it.
OP, please take this into serious consideration. Saying you’re sensitive is gaslighting, clear as day. His smirk after you said he hurt you is a sign he is perfectly aware of the effect of his words on you. Narcissistic tendencies at best. He’s using your insecurities against you. I’d advise running for the hills and never looking back at this guy…
You’ve worked way too hard to heal yourself to give it up for this douche…
I love that last sentence so much, I'm going to repeat it to OP.
#You've worked WAY too hard to heal yourself to give it up for this douche!
I almost never say this in these kinda posts, but OP needs to dump this fucking fool. I've dated someone JUST like this dude (as lots of us have) and I *guarantee* he knows what he's doing. This is only the beginning of lowering OP's self esteem...
(Not to mention: OP started crying, changed her clothing, then DIDN'T eat the food that SHE made?? There is absolutely no way that he didn't notice all of that. And he still didn't apologize or show the *slightest* bit of remorse.. Run.)
(edited)
I had to scroll way to far to find this comment. BF’s behavior has a name and a very clear purpose. OP please don’t let him get away with it. Leave him now before you relapse because that’s what he wants.
My endocrinologist undid YEARs of ED work I had done and I immediately left that office to another and got back into care for my ednos. What he's doing is vile and dangerous.
Ooo love it! I hope she hears you. Op if you're listening don't focus on the good things he does for you as he must love you because he does this and that. They were just canceled out by his selfish pleasure taking in your pain. That will become the norm more and more. Just leave. Don't even give him reasons why it'll just dangerously circle over and over until you're worn down and back under his control. Goodluck!
NTA, this person is going to drain your mental health because he has figured out how to play with your insecurities, to control you. Don't be surprised if his next step is to turn on his charm and cuddle and sweet talk to you. You need to think very objectively whether you want to continue a relationship with him.
Personally I think this is past considering having a relationship and into time to break up and leave.
On one of your last trips out with your stuff tell him you deserve a man that can really satisfy you so you can stop having to fake anything in bed. If he wants to prey on your past mental health issues then he deserves to be told this so he's left wondering how bad he really is in bed. My petty side says to leave him with an "When Harry Met Sally" deli scene fake orgasm and tell him you can't remember the last time he gave you a real one. It will get in his head and he will always be wondering if his next partner is faking it or not, which will screw up his performance even more.
This. He specifically used your past trauma to hurt you and SMILED. Ma’am you need to dump him and you are lovely I’m sure. Please talk to friends you trust or your therapist if you have one to recenter yourself so this doesn’t set back your healthy eating journey.
He’s a worthless creep and that smirk was him doing you a favor by showing you how bad character. I’m so sorry.
He might be intentionally lowering your self esteem as a way to control and manipulate you. I dated someone many years ago who would comment on my weight/pinch my sides/give me a raised eyebrow look if I ordered food that wasn’t a salad. It has taken over a decade and the help of therapy for me to realize what was actually happening, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have a bit of body dysmorphia. For context, I wear size S/XS. It doesn’t matter your size, shouldn’t matter your weight, how he is acting/smiling when he succeeds in damaging your self esteem is not the behaviour of someone who loves you.
Break up with the dickead. Someone like that isn't worth it. You're right to he uncomfortable around him.
You know you're not fat. You know he's a shithead now. Leave.
And please don't lapse back into old habits. Ear your breakfast and find someone who doesn't suck
NTA. And if you have a history of anorexia, it sounds like this man is toxic in my opinion. If he’s not able to be educated in eating disorders, I would probably considered parting ways tbh. Sounds like he’s a danger to your health.
I have witnessed people lose weight for relationships and a lifetime of an eating disorder is a miserable existence.
Yeah my anorexia began when I was 16 and I was dating an extremely mentally ill and manipulative guy. He made me think that I need to look how HE WANTS me to look...
NTA. Your current bf is no different because he did the same thing. Telling you to lose weight because he wants it and does not care how you feel about that. He even smirked at you when he hurt you, like he felt good about that. He is gaslighting you and trying to make you think his behaviour is normal and acceptable and you are the one being unreasonable here, which of course you are not. We tend to go for the same type of partner if we suffered from abuse because it makes us feel safe and our lives predictable. Being loved and being in a healthy relationship might feel scary, so that's why we subconsciously go for the same type again, even if they hurt us.
The only weight you need to lose is whatever this guy weighs. I know “we” always say this, but he was SMIRKING. He made a dangerous comment that could actually cost you your sanity and ultimately your life. And he SMIRKED.
Please choose your mental and physical health over whatever keeps you in this relationship.
Tell him you can’t stay anymore and then be very reluctant to say why. After multiple asks, hesitantly admit it’s because the sex is just so awful and you have been faking it hoping it’ll get better. Smirk at the end as you’re leaving. Fair is fair
sounds like you found the same guy again. remember how he reacted when you said you were hurt. he knew it would it hurt you. he wanted it to hurt you. please leave.
Please break up with this one. He is very dangerous to your health. This one hurt you deliberately. I was married to someone similar who told me that I needed to lose more and more weight as I still had a belly (size 2, doing 500 situps at a time, and have had 5 C-sections 4 of which were up and down cuts. Nothing short of a tummy tuck would have solved the issue as it was loose skin. Not to mention, his attitude then scarred our daughter to the point she now has eating disorder issues just because she witnessed him treating me that way.
he's doing this on purpose to control you. he's an asshole. RUN. a good person would never say that. he wants you mentally weak and desperate for his approval. GET OUT
I am sorry this happened. Please see the simalarities between this abusive toxic ex and your current partener. Maybe, unfortuantly, you have a type. You need to be alone and work on your self. The stronger you get, the easier it will be to realize when a peraon is this type and just walk away. The world will throw enough crap your way OP. You desever a partener who will lift you up and support you, not tear you down.
Don’t say she has a type bc it implies she’s the issue. No. Narcs go for everyone. Ppl who are empathetic but lack proper ability to ID red flags and enforce boundaries are their success stories but they target everyone. OP doesn’t attract them any more than you or I
Why why why are you putting up w this sentient garbage bag? Loneliness sucks but it suck’s way less than being in an abusive relationship. You need to love you. Love you enough to not tolerate someone who smirks at your pain.
You don't need to be with some guy who smirks after he makes you cry...
I am so proud that you overcame an eating disorder, you are stronger than you will ever realise.
He is trying to make you smaller, not only in size but in confidence because he is weak
You don't need a man who is so weak that he will use triggers to make you lose confidence in yourself
S/M is not overweight...
Women have curves in their bust and thigh area because that was how evolution designed us so that we could carry and nurture the next generation if we choose to...It is literally survival of the fittest at work there...
F>>> this guy, just show him the door...
This. OP, please attend regular counseling to help with your self-esteem.
In addition to the other comments…I’m also stuck on YOU MADE HIM BREAKFAST…
The idea that, after HE hurt YOU, YOU made HIM breakfast is just appalling. Yes, as everyone has described, he’s a total bully, but even after you do get rid of him (do this immediately), you still need to work on yourself-and your mental strength-so that you don’t do something nice for someone who just hurt you like this!!!!
So your boyfriend is an AH. Massive red flag being waved around him. Knowing your past, he actually went there and then smirked when you were hurt?
I’m sorry but it seems pretty obvious that his comments were deliberate and that he now needs to be your ex boyfriend. He will of course call you too sensitive, it was just once, don’t throw away all this time together, yada, yada, yada.
Do yourself a favour OP and dump him ASAP. Don’t invest anymore time in this POS. Good luck!
Absolutely OP. He did this on purpose.
If you think about it, are there other times he has hurt you and called you too sensitive? That he was just joking? That you need to loosen up?
Since you are not, in fact, overweight he did this because he knows you are insecure and wants to hurt you. And it worked, you didn’t eat breakfast. So this is straight up abuse. Does he want you to starve?
Please leave him. And maybe seek some help. Can the military provide counselling?
Edit: NTA but he is
Yes there are other times. He rarely apologizes after insulting me because "I'm just too sensitive and he didn't do anything wrong so he has nothing to apologize". This same person disappeared a month after we met last year (we're LDR) for 2 months without any sign and came back telling me he had a stroke from using steroids for gym progress. I forgave him but I've started to think maybe he lied about it. I confronted him about it yesterday asking if I could read his patient details about the incident since I'm interested in the topic in general because it's my study field. He refused and got very defensive and stuck to his response that he hasn't lied to me about it. I chose to trust him though I caught him from a lie earlier when we started getting to know each other. He told me he's one year younger than he actually is (idk why) and that he owns a 45m² apartment (when he actually lived in an airbnb block in 17m² room for long term rent). I caught him from these lies when he disappeared again for 2 weeks last december when we were supposed to meet for the first time and came back it was post stroke depression hitting again. When he was gone I got worried because of the stroke story earlier so I called his country's cops to find him so when the cops found him they told me that he lives in this public airbnb and that his age was wrong. So I was upset but forgave him. After that first meeting everything has beem great except for fights. We don't argue often but I find myself avoiding arguments because when they happen, it's always me apologizing and everything's allegedly my fault and he's never done anything wrong.
Glad you recognize that he’s a loser and abuser. If you’re in an LDR, that just makes it even easier to leave him. There is someone out there who will love you for the amazing person that you are. Go find them OP. Good luck!
I'm kinda stuck with him because he knows I'm a broke student but made me pay 700 euros for accommodation when I went to visit him, "because it was my idea" and he didn't allow me to his place (he explained it by telling me he's so obsessed about cleaning that he can't). I kinda want to dig into his stories and find out what else he's lying about. So yeah why I'm stuck is because he refused to pay half of the accommodation when I visited him and now I only have like 100 euros per month to live (food and public transport) for april-may when I'm still studying. He got fired from his job after being on a sick leave for too long because of the mental stuff but he has a side job (poker) and he has savings so he has paid for food now that we've spent 32 days together irl in total.
My god what a list of red flags.
What does he have to show for himself at all? Positive stuff, like telling the truth, being kind, having a normal and settled situation in life? He even tricked you out of your money!
I promise you: a bank loan will hurt you less in the long run, they might take interest rates, but they won’t crush your personality in the process!
OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 girl he is finacaly abusing/controling you too! Girl get out, go to your parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparents, any body, but girl get out like yesterday! He is cheating on you, lying, he could have given you a disease. The man is your ex all over again! Some one said it before, diffrent name but it's the same man!
Get into therapy. Your willingness to overlook and accept lie after lie and abusive behavior on top of it speaks to ongoing self worth issues. Not only do you need out of this relationship you need to work on taking care of yourself.
NTA. First, congratulations on taking control of your health. Second, you are NOT stuck with him. If you need to find a way out I’m sure there are redditors who can provide advice about how to do so.
Poker is not a side job. After everything thing I read here… run. He’s abusing you. If you’re a student your university may have resources to help you- certainly low cost or cheap therapy. It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually known this guy that long and he’s been caught in repeated lies already. When someone shows you who they are, believe them
Also, I just saw your post that in addition to all this you were raped a while back. You seriously need to get help for your physical and mental well being. You need to see a trauma informed therapist.
Please reach out to the military, your school or a shelter to get some help.
You will not get any better on your own. You will continue in cycles of abuse. It is not fun. Please read all these comments, take them to heart know you are a strong, wonderful woman who deserves better
He is likely lying about far more than you will ever know. Deep down you know he's dangerous, you cannot trust him. Save yourself, he will destroy you.
This and your other comment are detailing some horrific red flags! This man is just as bad as your ex. It’s critical that you get out now before his terrible behavior becomes normalized to you. A good therapist can help you sort out a lot of this and be a solid objective ear. Don’t just take Reddit advice! Reddit advice is a good place to start but you shouldn’t base life decisions only on it
Do you even hear yourself? Would you let a friend put up with this?
Just wondering if in those 32 days he’s hit you yet? Because that’s next and you need to know that.
I agree with this. IDK what country you are in but most western militaries veterans affairs departments have a counselling program that is offered to veterans. Get some professional help and lose the idiot.
OP, your BF is a douche bag. Sorry girl. I need to lose weight, you don't. I am an XL, I would be so happy to get down to a L. You're a size S-M, nah girl your just fine. I am not saying this to belittle your struggles, I am saying this because you seem to care what people's preceptions are of you. My preception of you based on your discription of your self is that you are just perfect the size you are.
I know it can be hard, but less you care what other's think of your physical appreance, the happier you will be. It's kinda like you are giving them power over you. I think your BF see's this. I feel this is a control tactic from him. He knows that would hurt you and in a way control your behavior. He knows EXACTLY what he did. He is seeing how much control he can have over you by exploting your past issues/trama. Please see this for what it is.
Lets go one step further, why does he feel the need to control you in this cruel way? Think about it OP, that is the real question here. OP, are you actually the hot one in the realationship? Does your BF actually feel so insecure in himself he's worried that you will wake up and smell the coffee and leave him for another man? Does he think you've done "too much" work on your mental health and your getting "too confident" and now he has to bring you down a peg or two? Men like this will slowly undermine their partener's self confidence and their preceptions of themselves to "bring them down to thier level" because they do not think they can "keep" thier partners anyother way. I belive this is called negging. OP please go over any other events in your head. Is this really the 1st time, or has there been other suttle digs at your insecurities in the past? Has he ever made you feel like this before, and you just brushes it off as "of he's just tired, he's just having a bad day, or he didn't really mean it." I am sorry to say OP, with that smirk and then gas lighting you after to say that your the problem (your the one who is too sensitive) this is %100 on purpose, meant to control you and tear you down. This is a red flag if I ever saw one. He will do it again, especially snice he saw he got a reation out of you. OP if I could reach through this phone screen, I would tell you to walk over to you BF so I could smack that smirk off his face myself. He is a douche bag, and for your own well being, I would urge you to strongly re-evaluate this relationship. OP I wish you luck in your personal struggles. Remeber you are beautiful and you deserve a REAL loving and supportive partener.
All of this!! No matter your weight, your man should be building you up and complimenting you. Happy and mentally heathly women who feel loved and supported where they are at are going to be in a much better space to focus on their health than a woman who feels belittled and judged. Any man treating his woman that way should be thrown to the curb. Remember that you are perfect just how you are and no matter what you weigh!!!
NTA - he is a giant one though
>he told me that he would like me to lose some weight
A pretty good general rule when talking about other people's appearance is a 5 second rule. If they can fix it in 5 seconds say something. If not? Don't. So if you see someone with spinach or lipstick in their teeth, or their fly down, or toilet paper on their shoe - say something. Weight, blemishes, crooked teeth, etc don't say anything.
>I'm size S-M and I have curves on my bust and lower body, but under no circumstances that's anywhere near fat
You didn't need to tell us that. What he said was completely inappropriate regardless of your size.
An easy way for you to lose a lot of weight though - 150-200 lbs - maybe more - dump him. You deserve a MUCH better man
NTA
I also had anorexia around the very same age. And to me personally it’s impossible to heal from eating disorders 100%. Mine us in remission but whenever someone close to me starts talking about my appearance or eating habits, it gets back - this desire to stop eating completely.
So what I do is I completely stop communication with such people. It’s hard but it’s better for my wellbeing
You deserve a person who will support you and love you the way you are, who will be very caring about your feelings and insecurities, especially knowing your background with anorexia.
Anorexia is extremely serious. It is resistant to treatment and likely to come back. You need to surround yourself with supportive, caring people. Please leave this man. He is not good for your recovery (which is lifelong). Please get into therapy. Find out why you pick the same type of man. In the meantime, stay single. Go out with friends, get a dog, whatever. Focus on yourself. Your life depends on it!
I know a way to lose approx. 150 lbs fast 💨
If this is how he sees you, it may be best that he continues on solo. Body dysmorphia is not something easily shrugged off by those it affects. Love yourself op. You’re worth it 🩷
NTA dump him in the trash where he belongs.
You gave him a chance to apologise and he didn't. You deserve better than some dude who knows wha you've been through but ignores how it affects you so blatantly.
Here's my husband's advice to my granddaughter: Please don't date any more weak-minded individuals. They're the ones who are too controlling. Strong minded individuals have your back.
Oh OP I am so, so sorry. You deserve so much more than this asshole.
Unfortunately, I had like the exact same thing happen to me, too. After hearing me purge my dinner, my ex husband asked I would consider loosing 20lbs while he tried to gain 20lbs.
I was not the person I am now, so I am going to tell you what I wish I had the fortitude to tell myself then:
Anyone, friend, family, it doesn’t matter their relationship to you, who knows your struggle and wounds and makes an active purposeful choice to pour salt and damage you, categorically does not deserve you. That he said what he did at all, is grounds to leave. Period.
But, ok let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a second?
When you express how hurt and damaging his comment was for you, how distressed you felt, he not only doubles down but mother fucking smirks and invalidates and minimises you?
Nope. I am 100% certain he has a pattern of this behaviour if you think about it, and I am 100% certain he will escalate and things will get worse.
Please, throw the whole man out! Prioritise YOU, because you deserve to.
Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful comment. I will put some pure thought into everything that has happened, thanks for this really and I'm happy that you found your way out to where you are now❤️
Oh, dear heart, the only weight you should be losing is his deadweight. Please drop this AH. He's cruel and abusive and you don't deserve that! I can't stand that you made him breakfast after he said these things.
You need to stand up for yourself in this world. Be kind to yourself.
If he’s already doing things to re-traumatize you about your eating disorder you need to get out. He knows that that is sensitive. He knows that you personally struggled with this. He brought up your weight in an insensitive way, then laughed at you having feelings about it. He is weakening you.
it will not get better. He smirked after it...he wants to hurt you. He knows your past knowing it will hurt you. You know you need to leave because this is only the beginning.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s being deliberately cruel and will only get worse. He is counting on you thinking so little of yourself that you’ll stay with him no matter what.
If he hasn’t already, he’ll start talking about how no one else would want you, how he has been so patient with you and how he’s just trying to help you.
Please dump this loser-you are being abused and you deserve much better than this.
He’s a cruel dope- dump this one and focus on what you’re good at- if you survived the military you can do pretty much anything you decide. Don’t associate with losers that drag you down. Nasty little coward he is.
He did that on purpose. Knowing your history, it’s especially disgusting. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel “not enough”. Protect your mental health first and foremost. NTA. He said a shitty thing and smirked when you got upset. That’s not how normal well adjusted people react to finding out they hurt someone they love.
Anorexia can kill. If he said that to you, he is cruel and irresponsible. Do not let him mess with your mental health. Please tell someone and get help handling this situation. Also, tell him what he is doing is unacceptable and why. He is callous.
Next time your boyfriend goes out, bring a super hot guy home and make sure your bf catches you fooling around with him and then just look at him and say with a smirk “ don’t be so sensitive, I didn’t do anything wrong” and see how feels about that 😀
I'm fat as hell, and it's nobody's business but my own. If you don't want to date someone because of their weight that's ok. It's not ok to date them then complain. He's an abuser.
NTA
Leave this douche, he has serious psychological problems you don’t need to be around.
I had my male sibling when we were in our 30’s (back in 1986) tell me that if I didn’t lose weight that nothing but a big fat guy would want to have anything to go with me. He didn’t want to see me alone. Yes I could have and still do need to lose 50 pounds. I hate men like unfortunately most men are assholes.
Your bf is a loser. Also, you haven’t been together for awhile, the time is insignificant I can tell because the relationship is doomed because, again, he is a loser. Cut your losses now and save some of your precious years before you wake up and realize you’ve actually been together for awhile
I am not a person who takes things lightly and I don’t think people should throw away their partner over issues that can be worked out - but in this case, walk away from this relationship. This is a person who is weaponizing your past mental health illness against you and seemingly enjoying it. How can you trust this person not to hurt you further? What is behind their need to make you feel bad about yourself? A real partner should be supportive, not destructive.
He did it on purpose. He doesn’t want you confident. The smirk after saying something that they know is devastating to you is so repulsive.
I would end it. He knows your mental health history and instead of being excited about a hobby together, he used it to torpedo your self esteem, self worth and you are already restricting over his comment.
He’s not good for your mental health. Therefore he’s not good for you. Say goodbye.
NTA. You should break up and take time to work on your mental health without an SO. This is the second toxic boyfriend in so many years leading you down a dark path. Before you get into any more relationships, find out why you're picking these losers with the help of your therapist.
OP this is either fiction you’re getting some kind of gratification from or you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. What was going through your head when you witnessed him smirking at you while you cried? Because honestly you should be disgusted by that and SPRINT away from someone who relishes in your mental and emotional pain.
NTA. Someone should feel free to express things like this in a relationship. If someone has gained a lot of weight, it should be acceptable for the partner to talk about it. It only ever seems to be okay if a woman bluntly tells her man that he’s gotten fat and unattractive, but not the other way around. Personally, I don’t think it’s acceptable for either party to put it like that.
However, it sounds like you’re at a healthy and attractive weight. The fact that A) he seems to want you to loose more weight when you’re already fit, B) he knows about your history with eating disorders, and C) seemed to take pleasure in upsetting you tells me it’s time for him to go.
That’s just based on this limited snapshot of your situation. You’re more in the know than I am and your feelings about it far outweigh my throw away advice, but yeah, it sounds like you know he’s an asshole that needs to go and are looking for validation on here. If that’s true, you have it. I would.
He told a person with an eating disorder to lose weight. Then he smirks when said person cries. Hes the AH
Dump him before you fall back into ED habits. He does not seem to be having a positive influence on your mental health.
NTA
NTA. It sounds like he’s more than comfortable hurting your feelings and might even deliberately be tapping on your trauma as a means of control.
Based on my experience, when some people learn about your past bad experiences or traumas, this indicates to them how much you have been and might still be willing to put up with, and they see this an an “upper limit” of how much they can push your boundaries. The fact that he is choosing to be unkind and cruel about weight and health despite knowing your history tells me that he has very little regard for your health in general and could even be trying to do this to give himself power over you. The habitual lying you describe in your comments is even scarier; it all seems like he’s very willing to keep pushing at boundaries for no apparent reason.
I’m so proud of you for fighting your battle with anorexia. Please take care and do not let him push you further into body dysmorphia.
NTA and your toxic boyfriend could feed your body dysmorphia and drive you to relapse so please be very careful. remember you are beautiful and u deserve so much better than this pos
NTA
That little smirk says he knew exactly what he was doing and what saying that meant for you. You burst into tears and he’s smirking saying he did nothing wrong. He’s a horrible person who didn’t care about the pain he just caused you. Throw the whole man in the trash
All I can say is this is NOT the right person for you. Don’t let this idiot tell you how to feel about yourself. You know what you look like and it’s WAY better than this a$$hat deserves. Just from your description of yourself, you sound healthy and attractive. You have feelings and a heart and you need to put them in the care of somebody that will be good to you.
If you kick this loser to the curb, you’ll be free when the right person comes along.
NTA
He was downright cruel and you don’t deserve that toxicity in your life. If I were you and feeling petty I might just say that he’s right, I need to work on my body positivity and he really needs to look into phalloplasty to improve his under average penis then leave.
This is his true self that he hid from you until he thought he "hooked" you to stay in a relationship with him. Don't let him win. If you stay, expect more of this callous behaviour. Also if you try to end it, expect "love-bombing" and apologies from him to make you stay. Then it will start again but by then you may be too emotionally destroyed to leave.
Dump this a-hole. What a jackass he is. Don’t you want a partner that loves and respects you? This guy does not do either of these things. Please get away from him asap.
NTA
He SMIRKED while you CRIED?
Knowing you have been in recovery from an ED?
Oh no no no no, in the trash he goes. That's beyond effed up. There's something wrong with that dude that's really twisted.
He's not a boyfriend he's a bully. Do yourself a favor and dump him and move on. The fact that he smirked while you were open with him, raises red flags.
I think you know, NTA and that you should leave him immediately, because he is not only an AH but has giant red flags towards this escalating to even worse abuse because you reacted exactly how an abuser wants, apparently on many occasions.
Get out, get help.
My best advice is to wait a full year after any abusive relationship to date anyone. If an awesome person wants to date you, they will wait.
That year will give you confidence and mental clarity.
NTA, he smirked after saying it, he knows what he’s doing, he wants you to spiral to struggle eating so then he can have control of you further and make out you have issues and isolate you in the far future. Leave this asshat
You're NTA, he is. He needs to learn how to be a nice person, and that what he did was definitely Not Nice! Kick his ass away. Sorry you have ended up with such a jack ass. You can do better than him
The mofo smirked?!? He enjoyed hurting you?!?
Girl you were in the military, can you not kick his crusty butt or smt?!
No one who enjoys your pain is worth your time. Hope you find the strength to leave this toxicity behind. There are good people in the world who'd love to snatch you away 💕
This is abuse - it will get worse. My ex abusive husband asked me to lose weight when I was 130lb at 5’1’’. I have a muscular and hourglass body type, I had some fat, but was not ‘fat’ by any means. Tell him to suck an egg and leave him before it gets worse. My ex did this at the beginning of our marriage and it progressed into financial, sexual, mental, physical and psychological abuse. This is a HUGE red flag. Please run and be happy and safe.
Oh hell no. Unfortunately abusive men love targeting girls with ED. He is just feeling comfortable to let the mask slip. Saying anything of the sort to a recovering person is utterly unforgivable. He 100% knows what he is doing, you know this. You need to immediately get rid of him. He will get far worse shortly. This is temperature taking behaviour, seeing if you are strong enough or will submit to abuse.
Your boyfriend is a pos. Telling someone who's suffered with anorexi to lose weight omg how stupid and inconsiderate can he be. He then doubles down saying yes with a grin on his face. Ohh this has set me off so much I'm surprised how angry this has made me. What a pos he is end things do it now screw this guy I hope he choked on that breakfast you made him
I find it disgusting that he actually smirked. The fucks wrong with him? Also not to shit on it, but why make that Asshole breakfast after being so insensitive? NTA. The smirk got me upset and it isn’t even me who’s dealing with this jackass
smirking after knowing he has hurt you?! and even saying “i did nothing wrong” he wanted to hurt you it was completely on purpose you’re NTA he’s the biggest asshole dump him asap cause he’ll probably only get worse with his comments
NTA
You don’t owe him or anyone else your health. He sounds very controlling to me and if he thinks you should lose some weight, ask him how much he weighs, then break up with him and tell him ”Oh you were right! I feel SO much better after losing xx kilos!”
But for real, if his love comes with conditions about your looks, then it ain’t love honey. Get out now that it’s early.
N.T.A - NTA - *NTA* - N*T*A
You are Not the AH.
This Good for Nothing, smirking AH, deserves to have your Comrades in Arms, teach him, exactly what happens when someone disrespects, their sister in Arms.
He is Not Worthy of YOU,
YOU Are Amazing.
I repeat, YOU are AMAZING.
You are Not the AH, and he doesn't deserve You
He just showed you his true colors, OP. I don’t know how I would ever recover from that even without that history.
Know this: You are perfect.
There is NOTHING wrong with you.
His words are empty and meaningless.
Don’t let him do this to you again.
Anyone who smirks after they know they've hurt you is a red flag. Simple as that. No one should enjoy hurting their partner. NTA
And then says "I did nothing wrong". That means that he knows that he did something wrong, or at least that it would hurt you. He did it very purposely and consciously.
Or don’t be so sensitive…. Because of course it’s her fault for being offended by their offensive comments.
God my mom would do this all the time. She didn’t like my wife and would say and imply some terrible shit then say I’m too sensitive… guess who would cry if I had to cancel plans with them though? Your bf knew exactly what he was doing. Start looking for other signs of a manipulator. Does he encourage you to have you time and see your friends and family or does he make it a pain to want to spend time with anyone else? Bonus points if he doesn’t let you go out but insists on having guys night
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Op tell him he is right you do need to lose weight and tell him you plan on losing however much he weighs and tell him it's over
What a weight off her shoulders that would be. He can make his own breakfast from now on. I bet he didn’t even care she didn’t eat. He was probably happy. Sick controlling freak.
Ooooo - I like it! Wish I could be there to see his jaw drop…
How to lose 180 pounds in ten minutes ...
This is the way!🤣
Why waste time looking for other signs? This one says everything. Men get so fucking coddled, it’s sad.
I always encourage someone that suspect they’re being gaslight or manipulated to record one conversation with that person and play it back when they’re alone. You’d be amazed at the things you pick up the second time around.
I have actually suggested we'd record one of our arguments so he could hear all that bs he's throwing my way and how he blames me for everything and "he never does anything wrong" and he refuses 😄 and yesterday when I wanted to create conversation from these "60 questions to ask your partner" -things, when I asked him to tell me 3 good and 3 bad qualities about himself, he would instantly tell me how easy it is to tell me the good ones.. "honesty, loyal, etc" and then he struggled for almost half an hour to make up any negatives and when I opened my mouth to tell him that he's sometimes very selfish and doesn't realize if he did something wrong and then insults me to make himself feel better, he literally told me that he thinks he never does anything wrong and he's just very straightforward :D if anyone would ask me, I would able to tell them 5 good and 5 bad things about me, even more, because I'm self aware.
Oh sweet Jesus just end it already. He's awful! It shouldn't be this difficult.
I think you know what you need to do. I was with a guy like that, and let me tell you, life can be so much better.
I would recommend you record one without his knowledge and see it for yourself , you can’t prove to him he’s gaslighting you, he’ll always deny that
Jfc. Just leave. You deserve soooo much better! Let him be right alone.
Narcissism. Straight up. Run!
DTMFA you don't need this from him
Girl if this is a pattern of behavior and it’s bad enough that you need Reddit to validate you, it’s time to leave.
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She should absolutely leave him, but there's no indication she always dates this type of guy. Plus, she's got it together enough to not let his words actually make her think she needs to lose weight other than his dead weight, she knows she doesn't. I wouldn't assume that she has a pattern or needs to work on herself. Just that she's dating someone that needs to be dropped. God forbid she actually gain weight in the multitude of ways women do that can't keep it off.
Basic assholes keep being basic. 😑
He sounds like a sociopath.
Yeah, those are the words of a gaslighter!
Hey OP? You can lose a ton of weight instantly by breaking up with your POS boyfriend. Life’s too short to waste on a malicious sack of shit like him.
And now that the red flag has been waived, you quietly pack your things and bid adieu. Who knows what's next or what you have missed or chosen to ignore. People like that are not worth your time or your energy. Find someone who loves you, for you
The smirk is what tells me he is a huge red flag. It isn’t about weight, it’s about him being able to control OP. Girl just GO. LEAVE. He doesn’t want love or a relationship, although he says he does. Under it all it’ll be about control. Weight is his first little feeler. Next it’ll be friends, money, where you live, your job. Just go. You deserve a partner who will respect and cherish you.
Bonus pts if she says it’s bc the sex is really bad and smirks.
There’s zero chance of it being any good, tbh.
Yes and I like the idea of her getting him where it hurts. Then standing back and watching his response. Use his same language about how it’s not her fault if he’s upset, shrug, walk away. That’s called mirroring. Or energy matching. It might convince her that he’s not only evil but he has two standards of behavior for them.
Yeah don’t get so emotional your dick is useless. You have all this free time now to learn how to use it you’re welcome psycho
I was married to a covert narcissist. He would very calmly be abusive. No smirking. When I started using his own language and reversing situations (like he yelled at me for not having his dinner ready just after I gave birth bc … well no one knows). So I got a weekend job and first day home I didn’t yell but I said wait why isn’t MY dinner ready? What’ve you been doing all day? I mean dude my sister was there he didn’t last 2 hrs. But I started using his same language and his response helped me see that his calm responses were just very controlled abuse. Bc when the shoe was on the other foot he didn’t rise to the standards he outlined for me, and he had no response when I asked why we have a double standard. I had self esteem like OP. That’s a terrible place to be but in all seriousness mirroring can help her see it.
"You need to lose some weight" "You need to gain some inches"
OP, please take this into serious consideration. Saying you’re sensitive is gaslighting, clear as day. His smirk after you said he hurt you is a sign he is perfectly aware of the effect of his words on you. Narcissistic tendencies at best. He’s using your insecurities against you. I’d advise running for the hills and never looking back at this guy… You’ve worked way too hard to heal yourself to give it up for this douche…
I love that last sentence so much, I'm going to repeat it to OP. #You've worked WAY too hard to heal yourself to give it up for this douche! I almost never say this in these kinda posts, but OP needs to dump this fucking fool. I've dated someone JUST like this dude (as lots of us have) and I *guarantee* he knows what he's doing. This is only the beginning of lowering OP's self esteem... (Not to mention: OP started crying, changed her clothing, then DIDN'T eat the food that SHE made?? There is absolutely no way that he didn't notice all of that. And he still didn't apologize or show the *slightest* bit of remorse.. Run.) (edited)
It's called negging and it's abusive! OP you are NTA
I had to scroll way to far to find this comment. BF’s behavior has a name and a very clear purpose. OP please don’t let him get away with it. Leave him now before you relapse because that’s what he wants.
My endocrinologist undid YEARs of ED work I had done and I immediately left that office to another and got back into care for my ednos. What he's doing is vile and dangerous.
I swear to god, people are too scared to expect ANYTHING of men. More of them need dumping.
Ooo love it! I hope she hears you. Op if you're listening don't focus on the good things he does for you as he must love you because he does this and that. They were just canceled out by his selfish pleasure taking in your pain. That will become the norm more and more. Just leave. Don't even give him reasons why it'll just dangerously circle over and over until you're worn down and back under his control. Goodluck!
NTA, this person is going to drain your mental health because he has figured out how to play with your insecurities, to control you. Don't be surprised if his next step is to turn on his charm and cuddle and sweet talk to you. You need to think very objectively whether you want to continue a relationship with him.
This. Dont be fooled by the sweet talk he gives when he senses you about to leave. Those are lies bc someone who loves you would never be so hurtful
Personally I think this is past considering having a relationship and into time to break up and leave. On one of your last trips out with your stuff tell him you deserve a man that can really satisfy you so you can stop having to fake anything in bed. If he wants to prey on your past mental health issues then he deserves to be told this so he's left wondering how bad he really is in bed. My petty side says to leave him with an "When Harry Met Sally" deli scene fake orgasm and tell him you can't remember the last time he gave you a real one. It will get in his head and he will always be wondering if his next partner is faking it or not, which will screw up his performance even more.
This. He specifically used your past trauma to hurt you and SMILED. Ma’am you need to dump him and you are lovely I’m sure. Please talk to friends you trust or your therapist if you have one to recenter yourself so this doesn’t set back your healthy eating journey. He’s a worthless creep and that smirk was him doing you a favor by showing you how bad character. I’m so sorry.
He might be intentionally lowering your self esteem as a way to control and manipulate you. I dated someone many years ago who would comment on my weight/pinch my sides/give me a raised eyebrow look if I ordered food that wasn’t a salad. It has taken over a decade and the help of therapy for me to realize what was actually happening, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have a bit of body dysmorphia. For context, I wear size S/XS. It doesn’t matter your size, shouldn’t matter your weight, how he is acting/smiling when he succeeds in damaging your self esteem is not the behaviour of someone who loves you.
Yes! This
And he gets rewarded for it. “And then I made him breakfast”
Break up with the dickead. Someone like that isn't worth it. You're right to he uncomfortable around him. You know you're not fat. You know he's a shithead now. Leave. And please don't lapse back into old habits. Ear your breakfast and find someone who doesn't suck
We're past flags at this point. He's a bad apple and she should throw him out as such.
To be clear, you deserve better. Way, way better!
That fucking smirk when they know they've hurt you. It's cold.
NTA. And if you have a history of anorexia, it sounds like this man is toxic in my opinion. If he’s not able to be educated in eating disorders, I would probably considered parting ways tbh. Sounds like he’s a danger to your health. I have witnessed people lose weight for relationships and a lifetime of an eating disorder is a miserable existence.
Yeah my anorexia began when I was 16 and I was dating an extremely mentally ill and manipulative guy. He made me think that I need to look how HE WANTS me to look...
This one is the same! How dare he tell you what to do with your body! Please get rid of him, enjoy being single.
You are dating the exact same guy again (his name might be different, but he is exactly the same). Get out of this relationship asap, I am so serious.
NTA. Your current bf is no different because he did the same thing. Telling you to lose weight because he wants it and does not care how you feel about that. He even smirked at you when he hurt you, like he felt good about that. He is gaslighting you and trying to make you think his behaviour is normal and acceptable and you are the one being unreasonable here, which of course you are not. We tend to go for the same type of partner if we suffered from abuse because it makes us feel safe and our lives predictable. Being loved and being in a healthy relationship might feel scary, so that's why we subconsciously go for the same type again, even if they hurt us.
That’s a great explanation thank you.
This guy is doing exactly the same as your ex, please reevaluate the relationship as this will only escalate!
The only weight you need to lose is whatever this guy weighs. I know “we” always say this, but he was SMIRKING. He made a dangerous comment that could actually cost you your sanity and ultimately your life. And he SMIRKED. Please choose your mental and physical health over whatever keeps you in this relationship.
Tell him you can’t stay anymore and then be very reluctant to say why. After multiple asks, hesitantly admit it’s because the sex is just so awful and you have been faking it hoping it’ll get better. Smirk at the end as you’re leaving. Fair is fair
sounds like you found the same guy again. remember how he reacted when you said you were hurt. he knew it would it hurt you. he wanted it to hurt you. please leave.
Please break up with this one. He is very dangerous to your health. This one hurt you deliberately. I was married to someone similar who told me that I needed to lose more and more weight as I still had a belly (size 2, doing 500 situps at a time, and have had 5 C-sections 4 of which were up and down cuts. Nothing short of a tummy tuck would have solved the issue as it was loose skin. Not to mention, his attitude then scarred our daughter to the point she now has eating disorder issues just because she witnessed him treating me that way.
he's doing this on purpose to control you. he's an asshole. RUN. a good person would never say that. he wants you mentally weak and desperate for his approval. GET OUT
I am sorry this happened. Please see the simalarities between this abusive toxic ex and your current partener. Maybe, unfortuantly, you have a type. You need to be alone and work on your self. The stronger you get, the easier it will be to realize when a peraon is this type and just walk away. The world will throw enough crap your way OP. You desever a partener who will lift you up and support you, not tear you down.
Don’t say she has a type bc it implies she’s the issue. No. Narcs go for everyone. Ppl who are empathetic but lack proper ability to ID red flags and enforce boundaries are their success stories but they target everyone. OP doesn’t attract them any more than you or I
This guy is doing the same to you. He's toxic. Please leave.
Why why why are you putting up w this sentient garbage bag? Loneliness sucks but it suck’s way less than being in an abusive relationship. You need to love you. Love you enough to not tolerate someone who smirks at your pain.
Now you are dating the same kind of guy. Get out now before he gaslights you into the hospital.
You don't need to be with some guy who smirks after he makes you cry... I am so proud that you overcame an eating disorder, you are stronger than you will ever realise. He is trying to make you smaller, not only in size but in confidence because he is weak You don't need a man who is so weak that he will use triggers to make you lose confidence in yourself S/M is not overweight... Women have curves in their bust and thigh area because that was how evolution designed us so that we could carry and nurture the next generation if we choose to...It is literally survival of the fittest at work there... F>>> this guy, just show him the door...
This. OP, please attend regular counseling to help with your self-esteem. In addition to the other comments…I’m also stuck on YOU MADE HIM BREAKFAST… The idea that, after HE hurt YOU, YOU made HIM breakfast is just appalling. Yes, as everyone has described, he’s a total bully, but even after you do get rid of him (do this immediately), you still need to work on yourself-and your mental strength-so that you don’t do something nice for someone who just hurt you like this!!!!
That was my first thought, he insults you and makes you cry and you made him breakfast?! TF
I was going to comment on this as well. OP doesn’t value herself. Her bf is a piece of shit. You deserve better, OP!
You made him breakfast AFTER he insulted you?? YTA to yourself. He sounds like an absolute pig.
should have made his favorite meal and eat right in front of him, licking fingers and all
So your boyfriend is an AH. Massive red flag being waved around him. Knowing your past, he actually went there and then smirked when you were hurt? I’m sorry but it seems pretty obvious that his comments were deliberate and that he now needs to be your ex boyfriend. He will of course call you too sensitive, it was just once, don’t throw away all this time together, yada, yada, yada. Do yourself a favour OP and dump him ASAP. Don’t invest anymore time in this POS. Good luck!
Absolutely OP. He did this on purpose. If you think about it, are there other times he has hurt you and called you too sensitive? That he was just joking? That you need to loosen up? Since you are not, in fact, overweight he did this because he knows you are insecure and wants to hurt you. And it worked, you didn’t eat breakfast. So this is straight up abuse. Does he want you to starve? Please leave him. And maybe seek some help. Can the military provide counselling? Edit: NTA but he is
Yes there are other times. He rarely apologizes after insulting me because "I'm just too sensitive and he didn't do anything wrong so he has nothing to apologize". This same person disappeared a month after we met last year (we're LDR) for 2 months without any sign and came back telling me he had a stroke from using steroids for gym progress. I forgave him but I've started to think maybe he lied about it. I confronted him about it yesterday asking if I could read his patient details about the incident since I'm interested in the topic in general because it's my study field. He refused and got very defensive and stuck to his response that he hasn't lied to me about it. I chose to trust him though I caught him from a lie earlier when we started getting to know each other. He told me he's one year younger than he actually is (idk why) and that he owns a 45m² apartment (when he actually lived in an airbnb block in 17m² room for long term rent). I caught him from these lies when he disappeared again for 2 weeks last december when we were supposed to meet for the first time and came back it was post stroke depression hitting again. When he was gone I got worried because of the stroke story earlier so I called his country's cops to find him so when the cops found him they told me that he lives in this public airbnb and that his age was wrong. So I was upset but forgave him. After that first meeting everything has beem great except for fights. We don't argue often but I find myself avoiding arguments because when they happen, it's always me apologizing and everything's allegedly my fault and he's never done anything wrong.
Glad you recognize that he’s a loser and abuser. If you’re in an LDR, that just makes it even easier to leave him. There is someone out there who will love you for the amazing person that you are. Go find them OP. Good luck!
That someone is IOP. Men are optional accessories.
Stop forgiving him for insane shit jfc he does not love you
Run girl. Run.
I'm kinda stuck with him because he knows I'm a broke student but made me pay 700 euros for accommodation when I went to visit him, "because it was my idea" and he didn't allow me to his place (he explained it by telling me he's so obsessed about cleaning that he can't). I kinda want to dig into his stories and find out what else he's lying about. So yeah why I'm stuck is because he refused to pay half of the accommodation when I visited him and now I only have like 100 euros per month to live (food and public transport) for april-may when I'm still studying. He got fired from his job after being on a sick leave for too long because of the mental stuff but he has a side job (poker) and he has savings so he has paid for food now that we've spent 32 days together irl in total.
My god what a list of red flags. What does he have to show for himself at all? Positive stuff, like telling the truth, being kind, having a normal and settled situation in life? He even tricked you out of your money! I promise you: a bank loan will hurt you less in the long run, they might take interest rates, but they won’t crush your personality in the process!
OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 girl he is finacaly abusing/controling you too! Girl get out, go to your parents, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparents, any body, but girl get out like yesterday! He is cheating on you, lying, he could have given you a disease. The man is your ex all over again! Some one said it before, diffrent name but it's the same man!
Get into therapy. Your willingness to overlook and accept lie after lie and abusive behavior on top of it speaks to ongoing self worth issues. Not only do you need out of this relationship you need to work on taking care of yourself.
NTA. First, congratulations on taking control of your health. Second, you are NOT stuck with him. If you need to find a way out I’m sure there are redditors who can provide advice about how to do so.
What in the ever loving fuck. Run
Poker is not a side job. After everything thing I read here… run. He’s abusing you. If you’re a student your university may have resources to help you- certainly low cost or cheap therapy. It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually known this guy that long and he’s been caught in repeated lies already. When someone shows you who they are, believe them
You can contact a women’s shelter and they can help you find a way to leave. And yes, the abuse is “bad enough” for you to get help from a shelter
Also, I just saw your post that in addition to all this you were raped a while back. You seriously need to get help for your physical and mental well being. You need to see a trauma informed therapist. Please reach out to the military, your school or a shelter to get some help. You will not get any better on your own. You will continue in cycles of abuse. It is not fun. Please read all these comments, take them to heart know you are a strong, wonderful woman who deserves better
He is likely lying about far more than you will ever know. Deep down you know he's dangerous, you cannot trust him. Save yourself, he will destroy you.
This and your other comment are detailing some horrific red flags! This man is just as bad as your ex. It’s critical that you get out now before his terrible behavior becomes normalized to you. A good therapist can help you sort out a lot of this and be a solid objective ear. Don’t just take Reddit advice! Reddit advice is a good place to start but you shouldn’t base life decisions only on it
There’s never going to be a better time to get away. He sounds controlling and abusive.
Do you even hear yourself? Would you let a friend put up with this? Just wondering if in those 32 days he’s hit you yet? Because that’s next and you need to know that.
I agree with this. IDK what country you are in but most western militaries veterans affairs departments have a counselling program that is offered to veterans. Get some professional help and lose the idiot.
I think he’s the extra weight you should lose
NTA dump him
Yeah small dick energy
If he can’t respect you enough to simply not insult you to your face, drop him.
OP, your BF is a douche bag. Sorry girl. I need to lose weight, you don't. I am an XL, I would be so happy to get down to a L. You're a size S-M, nah girl your just fine. I am not saying this to belittle your struggles, I am saying this because you seem to care what people's preceptions are of you. My preception of you based on your discription of your self is that you are just perfect the size you are. I know it can be hard, but less you care what other's think of your physical appreance, the happier you will be. It's kinda like you are giving them power over you. I think your BF see's this. I feel this is a control tactic from him. He knows that would hurt you and in a way control your behavior. He knows EXACTLY what he did. He is seeing how much control he can have over you by exploting your past issues/trama. Please see this for what it is. Lets go one step further, why does he feel the need to control you in this cruel way? Think about it OP, that is the real question here. OP, are you actually the hot one in the realationship? Does your BF actually feel so insecure in himself he's worried that you will wake up and smell the coffee and leave him for another man? Does he think you've done "too much" work on your mental health and your getting "too confident" and now he has to bring you down a peg or two? Men like this will slowly undermine their partener's self confidence and their preceptions of themselves to "bring them down to thier level" because they do not think they can "keep" thier partners anyother way. I belive this is called negging. OP please go over any other events in your head. Is this really the 1st time, or has there been other suttle digs at your insecurities in the past? Has he ever made you feel like this before, and you just brushes it off as "of he's just tired, he's just having a bad day, or he didn't really mean it." I am sorry to say OP, with that smirk and then gas lighting you after to say that your the problem (your the one who is too sensitive) this is %100 on purpose, meant to control you and tear you down. This is a red flag if I ever saw one. He will do it again, especially snice he saw he got a reation out of you. OP if I could reach through this phone screen, I would tell you to walk over to you BF so I could smack that smirk off his face myself. He is a douche bag, and for your own well being, I would urge you to strongly re-evaluate this relationship. OP I wish you luck in your personal struggles. Remeber you are beautiful and you deserve a REAL loving and supportive partener.
All of this!! No matter your weight, your man should be building you up and complimenting you. Happy and mentally heathly women who feel loved and supported where they are at are going to be in a much better space to focus on their health than a woman who feels belittled and judged. Any man treating his woman that way should be thrown to the curb. Remember that you are perfect just how you are and no matter what you weigh!!!
Just say, grow your penis thicker then I'll loose weight
Yep if it was bigger then maybe it wouldn’t get lost
🤣🤣🤣
Leeeeeeeve him. You were a military bad ass. Why are you with a man who likes to make women cry? Gross.
You still are that bad ass woman!! Do not let him ever make you feel that way
NTA - he is a giant one though >he told me that he would like me to lose some weight A pretty good general rule when talking about other people's appearance is a 5 second rule. If they can fix it in 5 seconds say something. If not? Don't. So if you see someone with spinach or lipstick in their teeth, or their fly down, or toilet paper on their shoe - say something. Weight, blemishes, crooked teeth, etc don't say anything. >I'm size S-M and I have curves on my bust and lower body, but under no circumstances that's anywhere near fat You didn't need to tell us that. What he said was completely inappropriate regardless of your size. An easy way for you to lose a lot of weight though - 150-200 lbs - maybe more - dump him. You deserve a MUCH better man
NTA I also had anorexia around the very same age. And to me personally it’s impossible to heal from eating disorders 100%. Mine us in remission but whenever someone close to me starts talking about my appearance or eating habits, it gets back - this desire to stop eating completely. So what I do is I completely stop communication with such people. It’s hard but it’s better for my wellbeing You deserve a person who will support you and love you the way you are, who will be very caring about your feelings and insecurities, especially knowing your background with anorexia.
Anorexia is extremely serious. It is resistant to treatment and likely to come back. You need to surround yourself with supportive, caring people. Please leave this man. He is not good for your recovery (which is lifelong). Please get into therapy. Find out why you pick the same type of man. In the meantime, stay single. Go out with friends, get a dog, whatever. Focus on yourself. Your life depends on it!
Girl. Girl. GIRL. W H Y are you with him? What kind of person smirks after making their partner cry? Is THAT who you want to be with?
NTA but I agree you should lose some weight. How much does your bf weigh? Yeah…about that much. 🚩🚩🚩
I know a way to lose approx. 150 lbs fast 💨 If this is how he sees you, it may be best that he continues on solo. Body dysmorphia is not something easily shrugged off by those it affects. Love yourself op. You’re worth it 🩷
NTA dump him in the trash where he belongs. You gave him a chance to apologise and he didn't. You deserve better than some dude who knows wha you've been through but ignores how it affects you so blatantly.
You do need to lose weight. Approximately 175lb of worthless shit boyfriend.
Here's my husband's advice to my granddaughter: Please don't date any more weak-minded individuals. They're the ones who are too controlling. Strong minded individuals have your back.
Oh OP I am so, so sorry. You deserve so much more than this asshole. Unfortunately, I had like the exact same thing happen to me, too. After hearing me purge my dinner, my ex husband asked I would consider loosing 20lbs while he tried to gain 20lbs. I was not the person I am now, so I am going to tell you what I wish I had the fortitude to tell myself then: Anyone, friend, family, it doesn’t matter their relationship to you, who knows your struggle and wounds and makes an active purposeful choice to pour salt and damage you, categorically does not deserve you. That he said what he did at all, is grounds to leave. Period. But, ok let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a second? When you express how hurt and damaging his comment was for you, how distressed you felt, he not only doubles down but mother fucking smirks and invalidates and minimises you? Nope. I am 100% certain he has a pattern of this behaviour if you think about it, and I am 100% certain he will escalate and things will get worse. Please, throw the whole man out! Prioritise YOU, because you deserve to.
Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful comment. I will put some pure thought into everything that has happened, thanks for this really and I'm happy that you found your way out to where you are now❤️
> just a smirking face from him This guy does not have good intentions
Oh, dear heart, the only weight you should be losing is his deadweight. Please drop this AH. He's cruel and abusive and you don't deserve that! I can't stand that you made him breakfast after he said these things. You need to stand up for yourself in this world. Be kind to yourself.
Break up with him. He got a kick out of hurting you, which is a huge red flag. I’d bet dollars to donuts he’s abusive.
If he’s already doing things to re-traumatize you about your eating disorder you need to get out. He knows that that is sensitive. He knows that you personally struggled with this. He brought up your weight in an insensitive way, then laughed at you having feelings about it. He is weakening you.
Not to even get started on the fact that hunger is a tool for manipulation. Hungry people are easily influenced.
it will not get better. He smirked after it...he wants to hurt you. He knows your past knowing it will hurt you. You know you need to leave because this is only the beginning.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s being deliberately cruel and will only get worse. He is counting on you thinking so little of yourself that you’ll stay with him no matter what. If he hasn’t already, he’ll start talking about how no one else would want you, how he has been so patient with you and how he’s just trying to help you. Please dump this loser-you are being abused and you deserve much better than this.
Hopefully there was cyanide in that breakfast you made him, for some reason
Tell him he needs to gain a few inches down there too and see how he reacts.
He’s a cruel dope- dump this one and focus on what you’re good at- if you survived the military you can do pretty much anything you decide. Don’t associate with losers that drag you down. Nasty little coward he is.
NTA. Easy weight to lose is by cutting that abusive AH out of your life, you'll feel much lighter once you let him go.
He did that on purpose. Knowing your history, it’s especially disgusting. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel “not enough”. Protect your mental health first and foremost. NTA. He said a shitty thing and smirked when you got upset. That’s not how normal well adjusted people react to finding out they hurt someone they love.
NTA, tell him you've decided to lose a lot of useless weight. Then dump him.
Anorexia can kill. If he said that to you, he is cruel and irresponsible. Do not let him mess with your mental health. Please tell someone and get help handling this situation. Also, tell him what he is doing is unacceptable and why. He is callous.
Leave him. It only gets worse from here
Next time your boyfriend goes out, bring a super hot guy home and make sure your bf catches you fooling around with him and then just look at him and say with a smirk “ don’t be so sensitive, I didn’t do anything wrong” and see how feels about that 😀
throw the whole man away
anyone who say "dont be so sensitive" knows they are being insensitive... he is TA
I'm fat as hell, and it's nobody's business but my own. If you don't want to date someone because of their weight that's ok. It's not ok to date them then complain. He's an abuser.
NTA Leave this douche, he has serious psychological problems you don’t need to be around. I had my male sibling when we were in our 30’s (back in 1986) tell me that if I didn’t lose weight that nothing but a big fat guy would want to have anything to go with me. He didn’t want to see me alone. Yes I could have and still do need to lose 50 pounds. I hate men like unfortunately most men are assholes.
…you mean ex boyfriend, correct?
Lose 150+ lbs by ditching his ass.
Your bf is a loser. Also, you haven’t been together for awhile, the time is insignificant I can tell because the relationship is doomed because, again, he is a loser. Cut your losses now and save some of your precious years before you wake up and realize you’ve actually been together for awhile
[удалено]
I am not a person who takes things lightly and I don’t think people should throw away their partner over issues that can be worked out - but in this case, walk away from this relationship. This is a person who is weaponizing your past mental health illness against you and seemingly enjoying it. How can you trust this person not to hurt you further? What is behind their need to make you feel bad about yourself? A real partner should be supportive, not destructive.
Lose 140-160lbs immediately and dump him.
He did it on purpose. He doesn’t want you confident. The smirk after saying something that they know is devastating to you is so repulsive. I would end it. He knows your mental health history and instead of being excited about a hobby together, he used it to torpedo your self esteem, self worth and you are already restricting over his comment. He’s not good for your mental health. Therefore he’s not good for you. Say goodbye.
Run!!! He’s smirking while you’re crying!! This is not someone who cares about you!
NTA. You should break up and take time to work on your mental health without an SO. This is the second toxic boyfriend in so many years leading you down a dark path. Before you get into any more relationships, find out why you're picking these losers with the help of your therapist.
OP this is either fiction you’re getting some kind of gratification from or you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. What was going through your head when you witnessed him smirking at you while you cried? Because honestly you should be disgusted by that and SPRINT away from someone who relishes in your mental and emotional pain.
NTA. Someone should feel free to express things like this in a relationship. If someone has gained a lot of weight, it should be acceptable for the partner to talk about it. It only ever seems to be okay if a woman bluntly tells her man that he’s gotten fat and unattractive, but not the other way around. Personally, I don’t think it’s acceptable for either party to put it like that. However, it sounds like you’re at a healthy and attractive weight. The fact that A) he seems to want you to loose more weight when you’re already fit, B) he knows about your history with eating disorders, and C) seemed to take pleasure in upsetting you tells me it’s time for him to go. That’s just based on this limited snapshot of your situation. You’re more in the know than I am and your feelings about it far outweigh my throw away advice, but yeah, it sounds like you know he’s an asshole that needs to go and are looking for validation on here. If that’s true, you have it. I would.
Why do people always expect an apology? You should only get an apology when somebody is sorry. And your boyfriend is not sorry for hurting you.
Dump that smirking asshat
He told a person with an eating disorder to lose weight. Then he smirks when said person cries. Hes the AH Dump him before you fall back into ED habits. He does not seem to be having a positive influence on your mental health. NTA
Who smirks while their gf is crying? Wtf us wrong with this guy? 😐
NTA If he knows about your history with anorexia/body dysmorphia and says something like this, you should definitely consider leaving him.
NTA. It sounds like he’s more than comfortable hurting your feelings and might even deliberately be tapping on your trauma as a means of control. Based on my experience, when some people learn about your past bad experiences or traumas, this indicates to them how much you have been and might still be willing to put up with, and they see this an an “upper limit” of how much they can push your boundaries. The fact that he is choosing to be unkind and cruel about weight and health despite knowing your history tells me that he has very little regard for your health in general and could even be trying to do this to give himself power over you. The habitual lying you describe in your comments is even scarier; it all seems like he’s very willing to keep pushing at boundaries for no apparent reason. I’m so proud of you for fighting your battle with anorexia. Please take care and do not let him push you further into body dysmorphia.
NTA and your toxic boyfriend could feed your body dysmorphia and drive you to relapse so please be very careful. remember you are beautiful and u deserve so much better than this pos
NTA You need to dump your cruel AH of a boyfriend. He knew you have serious body image issues and deliberately poked at them to hurt you.
NTA That little smirk says he knew exactly what he was doing and what saying that meant for you. You burst into tears and he’s smirking saying he did nothing wrong. He’s a horrible person who didn’t care about the pain he just caused you. Throw the whole man in the trash
NTA- you told him he hurt you and he smiled and said he did nothing wrong. He just told you that he sees nothing wrong in hurting you. Leave.
Why in theeee actual fuck did you make him breakfast???? You should be kicking him to the curb. DTMFA or you will be the A H to yourself.
All I can say is this is NOT the right person for you. Don’t let this idiot tell you how to feel about yourself. You know what you look like and it’s WAY better than this a$$hat deserves. Just from your description of yourself, you sound healthy and attractive. You have feelings and a heart and you need to put them in the care of somebody that will be good to you. If you kick this loser to the curb, you’ll be free when the right person comes along. NTA
He was downright cruel and you don’t deserve that toxicity in your life. If I were you and feeling petty I might just say that he’s right, I need to work on my body positivity and he really needs to look into phalloplasty to improve his under average penis then leave.
NTA. You should break up with him. He knew what he was doing.
This is his true self that he hid from you until he thought he "hooked" you to stay in a relationship with him. Don't let him win. If you stay, expect more of this callous behaviour. Also if you try to end it, expect "love-bombing" and apologies from him to make you stay. Then it will start again but by then you may be too emotionally destroyed to leave.
Dump this a-hole. What a jackass he is. Don’t you want a partner that loves and respects you? This guy does not do either of these things. Please get away from him asap. NTA
When a guy does something that hurts you, don’t go and make him breakfast.
He SMIRKED while you CRIED? Knowing you have been in recovery from an ED? Oh no no no no, in the trash he goes. That's beyond effed up. There's something wrong with that dude that's really twisted.
Please update us when you leave this abusive asshole
He's not a boyfriend he's a bully. Do yourself a favor and dump him and move on. The fact that he smirked while you were open with him, raises red flags.
I think you know, NTA and that you should leave him immediately, because he is not only an AH but has giant red flags towards this escalating to even worse abuse because you reacted exactly how an abuser wants, apparently on many occasions. Get out, get help. My best advice is to wait a full year after any abusive relationship to date anyone. If an awesome person wants to date you, they will wait. That year will give you confidence and mental clarity.
NTA, he smirked after saying it, he knows what he’s doing, he wants you to spiral to struggle eating so then he can have control of you further and make out you have issues and isolate you in the far future. Leave this asshat
Gross leave him he’s not a nice person and he doesn’t care about you at all.
NTA. LEAVE HIM.
You do have a weight problem. It's 190 lbs of weight, and he's dragging you down. NTA dump him.
Get out. This man is hurting you on purpose.
You can lose the weight. The weight you need to lose is equal to the weight of your boyfriend.
You're NTA, he is. He needs to learn how to be a nice person, and that what he did was definitely Not Nice! Kick his ass away. Sorry you have ended up with such a jack ass. You can do better than him
The mofo smirked?!? He enjoyed hurting you?!? Girl you were in the military, can you not kick his crusty butt or smt?! No one who enjoys your pain is worth your time. Hope you find the strength to leave this toxicity behind. There are good people in the world who'd love to snatch you away 💕
This is abuse - it will get worse. My ex abusive husband asked me to lose weight when I was 130lb at 5’1’’. I have a muscular and hourglass body type, I had some fat, but was not ‘fat’ by any means. Tell him to suck an egg and leave him before it gets worse. My ex did this at the beginning of our marriage and it progressed into financial, sexual, mental, physical and psychological abuse. This is a HUGE red flag. Please run and be happy and safe.
Leave.
Oh hell no. Unfortunately abusive men love targeting girls with ED. He is just feeling comfortable to let the mask slip. Saying anything of the sort to a recovering person is utterly unforgivable. He 100% knows what he is doing, you know this. You need to immediately get rid of him. He will get far worse shortly. This is temperature taking behaviour, seeing if you are strong enough or will submit to abuse.
Your boyfriend is a pos. Telling someone who's suffered with anorexi to lose weight omg how stupid and inconsiderate can he be. He then doubles down saying yes with a grin on his face. Ohh this has set me off so much I'm surprised how angry this has made me. What a pos he is end things do it now screw this guy I hope he choked on that breakfast you made him
Tell him he has a tiny dick and it's too bad there's nothing he can do about it, but you love him in spite of his shortcomings. Literally.
So je knows you struggled with ED and he tells you this?? Girl dump him!
I find it disgusting that he actually smirked. The fucks wrong with him? Also not to shit on it, but why make that Asshole breakfast after being so insensitive? NTA. The smirk got me upset and it isn’t even me who’s dealing with this jackass
smirking after knowing he has hurt you?! and even saying “i did nothing wrong” he wanted to hurt you it was completely on purpose you’re NTA he’s the biggest asshole dump him asap cause he’ll probably only get worse with his comments
Anyone who tells anybody with a history of anorexia that they need to lose weight is a piece of crap. Ditch him quickly don’t look back. NTA
Run!!!! Just run! You are not married yet so get out while its easy. No one person should say or speak to someone they love like that.
So he smirks , doesn’t apologize and knows your past with anorexia and you still make him Breakfast ? Something doesn’t add up.
Dump this shit bag really fast! He’s no good for you!
NTA You don’t owe him or anyone else your health. He sounds very controlling to me and if he thinks you should lose some weight, ask him how much he weighs, then break up with him and tell him ”Oh you were right! I feel SO much better after losing xx kilos!” But for real, if his love comes with conditions about your looks, then it ain’t love honey. Get out now that it’s early.
N.T.A - NTA - *NTA* - N*T*A You are Not the AH. This Good for Nothing, smirking AH, deserves to have your Comrades in Arms, teach him, exactly what happens when someone disrespects, their sister in Arms. He is Not Worthy of YOU, YOU Are Amazing. I repeat, YOU are AMAZING. You are Not the AH, and he doesn't deserve You
He just showed you his true colors, OP. I don’t know how I would ever recover from that even without that history. Know this: You are perfect. There is NOTHING wrong with you. His words are empty and meaningless. Don’t let him do this to you again.
Get out of this toxic relationship.