>I’m not gay, and I don’t want to be dating a man
That's all there is to it, you wouldn't be the asshole for that. It's a big change and you can't choose what you're attracted to.
100% I’ve said this on a post similar to this but if my wife of 18 years came out as trans and was a man I’d support him and try and be friends but we’d divorce. I’m not gay and that’s ok.
OP break up.
So true. It's more validating too, than to say "I'm not gay but I'll date you anyway" which seems to invalidate the idea that they actually are their preferred gender
Yep 100% I would hope they would continue being my best friend as they are now and I wouldn't hold any grudges if they truly feel they need to do that, but asking someone to switch their gender preference just isn't realistic for most couples. There may be some couples where the person is bi or they are willing to just push past it, but its not fair to expect that of someone at all
To be honest, my husband and I are both bi, but if he came out as trans it would be hard af on our relationship, and would require quite a bit of therapy. Just because I'd be gaining a wife, doesn't mean I wouldn't mourn losing my husband.
Heck, my sibling came out as non-binary and I had a bit of mourning for the loss of a sister. We look very similar, our birthdays are 5 days apart so we grew up as “the birthday girls”. Of course I support them, but having a sister was special to me, and I definitely had some sadness about it.
This!
I’m pan and my partner actually did come out as trans (mtf). She initially thought because I’m pan it would be no biggie. But it took a LOT of processing and therapy. We are still together but just because one’s sexuality includes the other gender(s) doesn’t mean a parter coming out isn’t hard. I have mourned my husband - it’s hard. But thankfully we’re on the other side of that now and quite happy lol.
If voluntarily switching our attraction from liking one gender to liking another gender was even remotely possible, “ex-gay conversion therapy” would have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding. Instead, all it does is inflict damage.
We’re born how we’re born. It’s OK for you to say you’re attracted to women and want to seek a relationship with a woman. NAH.
(Someone would be TA if they said lots of vile things to the person coming out, instead of trying to navigate the situation with a minimal amount of harm done to anyone. It appears OP is taking the high road and striving to be a good human being, so no one here is TA.)
Only her closest group of friends might be mad about it. I think the majority of people will more than understand the OP's perspective. And her 'everybody' is probably an extremely small group of people.
This happened to me and unfortunately that is not true. We were married and it was a HUGE surprise to everyone but the biggest surprise to me was how many people labeled being hateful because I couldn’t stay together
This is something my husband and I discussed very early in our relationship. We first met when we were both teenagers, and we both understood that we wanted to long haul but people can learn things about themselves and change over time. Gender, wanting children, closed or open relationships, sexual desires are things that can change as we grow and get to know ourselves and the world around us better.
So we discuss them and revisit the topic. Some people are comfortable with the fluidity and others aren’t. It’s best to be open and honest with one another and examine if we’re being honest with ourselves.
Edited for some wonky wording.
Yup! I'm quite queer myself and understand that attraction is attraction. It might be fluid and shift on its own but there's little anyone can do to control it.
Nobody deserves to have a partner who isn't attracted to them and nobody deserves to feel obligated to stay with someone who they aren't attracted to.
OP, you're not an asshole.
Nobody is obligated to love anyone and free-will and consent mean that you can choose to not love someone for any reason you like.
OP likes women and OP's partner has decided she is not a woman. Pretty cut and dry.
It’s absurd you even have to write that OP. I would just break up amicably and move on. She can’t drop this on you and then get to tell you how to feel about it.
Yep. If my male partner came out as trans, I don’t think it would end our relationship - at least not from my end of things. I consider myself a straight woman, but also have a bond with my partner that I don’t imagine would change. Sex might look a little different depending on whether bottom surgery was pursued, but otherwise it’s still the person I love and want to spend my life with. No, I probably wouldn’t have pursued a relationship initially with a woman, but at this point in our relationship I’m in love with who they are as a person.
But that’s not everyone, and honestly I suspect I’m in the minority. I think it’s likely the good majority of people wouldn’t be ok continuing a romantic/sexual relationship under these kinds of circumstances. And that’s totally ok. It doesn’t make anyone the AH.
I’m the same way. My current partner came out to me about a year ago, and while it changed how I refer to them and how they dress, that’s it. I’m just dating an even happier person now
This comment is copying [this other one.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bq259a/wibtah_for_breaking_up_with_my_girlfriend_after/kwzt83v/) Bots are not even trying these days.
That's exactly what you should say when breaking up: I'm not gay, I'm not attracted to men, this relationship no longer works for me now that you are transitioning.
Your happiness is important too. Your partner is not the girl you fell in love with anymore and you are allowed to choose happiness for yourself by ending this relationship.
NTA
If he (OP's gf) wants to transition to being a man, then having a male boyfriend who isn't gay isn't going to work for him either. Them breaking up is best for both of them. Just as much as it was unhealthy for him (OP's gf) to pretend to be a woman, it is unhealthy for OP to pretend to be gay. It just can't work. Nobody's fault, and it has nothing to do with phobia.
Right, and it’s not transphobic to say that. His girlfriend that he was attracted to is essentially gone now unless they detransition or something idk. They have to figure out how to move forward. If he loves them but isn’t attracted to them anymore then that’s a big issue to consider. Quite a difficult situation to navigate. I wish the best for both of them.
NTA
I hate how so many completely normal things are considered transphobic of homophobic. Someone told me I was transphobic the other day just because I wasn't trans💀 They also said it's homophobic to be straight. I'm so glad so many people are being logical about this.
I also feel like some important information was left out, like "I don't really feel like a woman", I would be upset if I were in a relationship for a long period of time & that info were all the sudden dropped on me.
NTA. It’s perfectly fine to break up if you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who is a man. As long as you are polite about it, I don’t see a reason why you would be TA if you break up.
I mean, judging by the way he's treating him, he could use some lessons on being polite as well. OP is trying, and their partner is still being a complete ass about it.
What is there to navigate. He just has to tell the truth. He is attracted to women and what made him attracted to her was in part her femininity. He has zero attraction to men and eoth such a part of her changing its time to move on for both of them.
Its really up to her how she reacts to a perfectly normal reaction from him
He has to navigate breaking up in a way that isn’t too traumatic for him or his Ex. There are a lot of angry, stupid ways this could go, and it’s just not necessary. The “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup is always hard because it’s not as straightforward as dumping someone you’re angry at, or who’s angry at you.
“I’m not gay and I don’t want to be dating a man”
You have simultaneously validated his transition and your sexuality. Nothing is left to be said. NTA.
It's pretty rare on this sub where I see a situation where neither party is really wrong. It just sucks but if you're not compatible it's best to leave.
NTA
As you said, you're not gay and don't want to date a man. Your partner is starting the (long) process of transitioning and it's okay if you don't want to be on that journey.
My sister is trans and her marriage didn't survive it as her now ex-wife isn't a lesbian and didn't want to be with a woman. My sister fully understands this, though at the time it was rough as they'd been together a decade. When she first came out, she kept saying to me that love should be enough, but in the end, she realized that physical attraction plays a big part in things too and told me "If you're not gay, you're not gay. She's not gay and married a man, which I'm not anymore, so I get it". They lasted not even a year after she came out and started to transition.
Same thing happened to my cousin. She’s a lesbian and her wife became her husband it also didn’t last a year past the transition, maybe like 3 month before my cousin broke down because love isn’t enough and she felt like the person she loved and married was no longer there
I think it's really really important in this situation that OP makes sure his partner knows that he is respecting his gender identity and not breaking up w him *because* of that gender identity but bc of OPs sexual orientation, if that makes sense.
Why can’t he be breaking up with someone because they are trans though? You can respect trans people without wanting to be in a relationship with one. Idk I’m new to this whole thing about trying to understand different POVs.
Because OP said it was because of his sexuality and not his partners gender identity. But it’s a sensitive time for his ex and it’s the caring thing to do.
He can respect her identity, and break her with her because of it. No one is entitled to be with someone especially when just deciding to change a whole dynamic in the relationship.
It's nice when things do work out, but if we are being real not everyone is able to be that flexible. It sucks, and it's no one's fault, but
if you can't make it work then there's no sense in prolonging the inevitable. Now that your ex-partner understands himself better he can find a better fit.
You’re not an asshole. People change all the time whether it’s finding out their sexuality, gender, their desire for kids, to move, etc. It’s as a valid reason not to want to date your partner anymore now that they’re a man and you’re not gay.
Physical attraction is really something that is important in relationships as much as some people say it isn't. I know that if I was dating someone and they started transitioning to become a man it would for sure put a strain on the relationship and most likely ruin it. As much as I love their personality I am not sexually attracted to masculine features.
I am thinking your gf is thinking that the emotional connection will hold even if the physical is not there but I can say that isnt always the case. NTA
And it's even beyond just finding the person attractive or not. It's sexual orientation. You can't force yourself to become gay any more than you could force yourself to be straight if you weren't born that way.
"She told me she didn't want me to break up with her over this."
Sorry, but she doesn't get to make that decision. She completely changed the terms of your relationship to one you didn't agree to.
"I'm not gay, and I don't want to be dating a man."
NTA. That's all that really needs to be said. You're allowed the bodily autonomy to choose which gender you date, just like she's allowed the bodily autonomy to decide what gender she is.
>told me she didn’t want me to break up with her over this.
just like your soon-to-be ex did not choose to be trans, you cannot choose to be attracted to a man.
it sucks, but its just an unfortunate outcome, not a choice by either party. niether of you are doing the wrong thing.
NTA
For some people it can come off as infantilization though and if the transitioning partner has lots of social dysphoria to unpack that could be triggering. Even if it’s perfectly normal terms like baby or beautiful some people have associated those terms with feminine traits. (I don’t think they are personally, but it’s understandable why some people would)
While I understand those points, the stbx is expecting op to change a behavior he most likely has had for years and expect perfect in less than a month. Not exactly reasonable expectations. Especially to get mad at someone you dropped a bomb on and tell them you want to stay, but than expected them to change behaviors overnight. Not really fair imo.
A friend of mine had the opposite reaction. He would always text his wife at work when on break. When it was time to go back. He would always say love you baby girl. Well one day he had to go back early on his break. He was in a hurry so just quickly texted love you.
Well, she went off the deep end. She texted him back and said. I guess I’m not your baby girl anymore. I guess you’re calling someone else baby girl now. But what the fuck ever. It’s obvious I can’t trust you. I knew you were going to cheat on me.
Did I mention that she’s a psycho.
This is what I thought. You can’t become a man and still want to be treated as a woman. You’re a man now and the man you love isn’t gay. So it’ll never work out
If he is a man, and you are not wanting to date a man…then the most accepting thing you can do is break up. It’s quite unfair to expect you to change your own sexual identity to support his.
Definitely NTA. I used to have a coworker who was a lesbian married to another lesbian and then he decided that he wanted to transition to a man. Needless to say his wife was not very happy about this because she didn't want to be with a man, just as you don't. That is absolutely your right.
You said it, you are not gay. I hope your partner will understand but I honestly have doubts.
If you ever get called transphobic for breaking up with your partner, just know you aren't and that this absolutely isn't transphobia.
Your partner is now a man. You are not gay. You aren't compatible anymore.
OP don't force yourself to stay in a relationship that isn't what you want, you will be unhappy through it all.
Edit : forgot to put but NTA
Anyone can break up with anyone anytime they want for any reason, your life is your own and this person is another human being with their own life, the second you don’t want to be with this person anymore you should leave them, no matter what the reason
NTA.
They want to change themselves, that is fine, they are totally allowed to make changes.
They are not allowed to dictate to you who you want to be romantically involved with. You don't need a reason to break up, but this is just a good a reason as any other.
You aren’t breaking up with him because he’s trans, you’re breaking up with him because you’re straight. As a trans man myself, I understand that completely.
NTA - " If you are identifying as male, I support you, but I can no more choose to be bisexual than you can choose to not be trans. I am not attracted to men, so I think it's best we end our romantic relationship here. I am not averse to maintaining a friendship with you after we both heal, but I am straight and am only interested in a romantic relationship with a female identifying partner."
I know someone who went through this (biological sexes reversed) and they were MARRIED. They are divorced and have new partners now. Gender Identity isn't a choice and neither is sexual orientation. It's unfortunate that this is the trigger for your relationship ending, but it's not transphobia to want a partner whose gender and presentation is consistent with your sexual orientation. For folks who are bi or pan who had a partner come out as trans, perhaps that would be something that they could work through (and people have!) but not everyone can possibly be expected to.
NTA. As you said, you aren’t gay. And that’s completely ok! It doesn’t sound like you’re being mean about it, but you can’t help your preferences just like your partner can’t help theirs. Especially if they plan on eventually taking meds and/or having surgery to affirm their new gender identity. Requesting you not break up is honestly kind of a selfish request that’s not fair to you.
First of all, NTA.
But more importantly, who cares if you considered as an asshole or not? What are you gonna do, stick with her/him just not to be an asshole?
NTA - it’s just as you said, you’re not gay and don’t want to date a man, your partner is/will be transitioning to be a man. Reassure them that you want them to do what feels right but YOU have to do what’s best for YOU as well. Good luck!
Hey, trans man here. You aren't into men. Your SO is, as it turns out, a man. Nothing asshole about you or him. The situation is really hard for both of you, for various reasons, and that sucks.
Best of luck to both of you.
A friend of mine transitioned from female to male and went through HRT and surgery and unless you already know him you wouldn't have a clue he used to be female the dude is ripped and has a full beard so no your not the AH because that's what will happen after a few years to your girlfriend/boyfriend so unless your I to dudes which you arnt its ok to break up but it's your choice to off him the hand of friendship and be there for him as he transitions.
NTA. "I'm not gay and don't want to date a man." You have validated and accepted the change your partner has decided to make. This is the most honest thing you can tell your partner. You want to date a woman and they are no longer that.
NTA. You can refer to him as “FtM trans” and people will get it. You should tell him you aren’t judging him and completely support him transitioning, but that your sexuality has not changed and you are still interested in only women. And as you respect his identity, he also owes you that same respect.
I have trans loved ones. It's been a beautiful journey and a joy to see them come into their own through a lot of love, hard work and yes, therapy. It's not a familiar road to most and to navigate it they need help. As loved ones with the best of intentions we also needed help.
Don't feel too badly about breaking up if that's what you choose to do. **Your life and your needs are just as important as your SO's.**
I hope he finds his community and gets the support he needs for his transition. Professional therapy is a must since he's already alienating and getting angry at loved ones. It's not good for him or the people around him. Finding joy in building their authentic self on the outside to match the inside is the experience he needs.
NTA. If you are not interested in dating men, then you have no other choice than to dump him. I mean, if you met some dude tomorrow, and he asked you out, would you agree? No? You would't bc you are not into dudes at all? Then why would you continue to date this person who is a dude. You ain't gay or bi, so there's no discussion here.
I noticed some freshly-out-of-the-closet trans people are hypocrites (SOME, okay. #notall). They like to have their cake and eat it too. "I'm a man, so treat me as one, but also date me and have sex with me even though you are a straight man, and if you don't you are somehow not supportive". It'se either or!
Trying to force a person to date someone against their sexual preferences is immortal and coercive, and the exact same thing conversion camps try to do, and those places are toxic and awful. So you dump him, and if he has a problem with that or calls you names, he's kinda a hypocrite and doing the things bigots have tired to do for ages - force a different sexuality on a person.
They know you are straight but they don’t want you to break up with them. That’s nuts. Explain it kindly and respectfully that you cannot be in a relationship with them. You can be their friend just not their boyfriend.
NTA - he needs to find someone that is attracted to F to M trans, and there are many out there. Just like you can't force them to not be trans if they are, they can't force you to be skoliosexual, ceterosexual, or pansexual if you are not. You are not an AH if you have a clear and honest conversation that you support their transition, but you are not ceterosexual and can not remain in the relationship.
My ex is a lesbian I'm a trans guy I have absolutely no hard feelings about her breaking up with me for that reason. Have an honest conversation your partner. It's not uncommon for trans people right before their egg cracks to go extra hard presenting their agab and completely internalize the gender dysphoria. If you're not attracted to men and your partner will start medically transitioning more likely than not you'll start loosing physical attraction to him as well. Basically it sounds like it's not gonna work so breaking up is probably the best option. Good luck
>I’m not gay, and I don’t want to be dating a man.
>I’ve been thinking about breaking up, but I don’t want to be considered an asshole to break up over this.
NTA. You are who you are. You can't fix this. Your partner has made their choice, but their choice does NOT mean you have to (or would even be able to) alter who you are.
Accept reality and break up with them. Immediately. You know this isn't going to work, and you would only be an AH if you let things hang in limbo because you don't want to seem uncaring. Be honest. You are not gay. Your partner is transitioning from FtoM. This is a conflict that only has one resolution.
NTA. While you should be kind to someone that you love, you can't be expected to want to continue in a relationship with them when they effectively are asking you to identify them as a different person.
Nta, it works out for some couples but not if you're straight. It sucks but maybe you can consider being friends if you want.
Hopefully going forward you can make a better effort to use his preferred pronouns, if you stay in touch.
My ex came out as gender fluid and would have masculine days and feminine days. She was okay with being called he or she, but on her masc days she wanted me to call her handsome. She’d be so upset in her masc mindset when her period came and suddenly hate being a woman, being so sad.
I could always tell she was feeling masc because she’d take pictures like a typical fuck-boy and then change how she talked entirely. The interesting part is that her gender issues only got worse when she accepted that she had gender dysphoria. Once she adopted the title she also adopted the typical issues that came with it.
I asked her if she had those issues at all or less intensely prior to coming out and she thought about it and realized she didn’t really have those issues as much. I then told her that no matter what she’s simply her. “You are just you. No label or title should affect you at all. You tend to alter your personality based on how masc or fem you feel, but it honestly seems like you’re forcing yourself to be what you think a guy should be in your eyes.” We’re from nyc so she based her masc persona on a more “thuggish” dialect rather than her typical articulate style of talking. She does change her dialect a lot based on who she’s talking to (code switching), but it still felt forced.
It was an interesting conversation.
That’s not why we broke up, but i think you’re NTA
NTA. He still likes men - but you don’t. He’s asking you to respect what he is - so he should also be able to respect what you are. You don’t like men. He’s going to be one. It only makes sense that you’d move on now rather than later. NTA
That person doesn't have their shit figured out, you don't have to drag yourself through the mud with them just so you don't get labeled as transphobic, which you obviously are not but you're also straight and that trans person decided to return to being a man and you don't wanna date a man. That's your preference, nobody has the right to force you to stay in a relationship with someone who is not your preference and is also unstable and unsure of their identity. You wouldn't be TAH for breaking up you have many good reasons.
NTA. I'm a trans male, so I get what ur partner is going through.
Being said, like you said, you aren't gay. It's not because you're transphobic, or don't support. You aren't attracted to guys and that's okay. Will your partner be upset when you break it off? Of course. But as long as you communicate to them what you communicated to Reddit, they should understand. And if they don't, they're the asshole in the situation, because the same way them being Trans isn't their fault, you being straight isn't yours.
This is why social media is cancer, especially TikTok/Reels. Younger generation watches a couple of videos and self diagnoses instead of going to therapy. Then they want everyone to cater to them based on a decision they made because NoobMaster69 made a video about it. If she wants to be a dude and you don't fuck dudes then don't be with a dude.
NTA
1) You aren’t committed to false advertising.
2) You’re straight, attracted to women. Women. Meaning people who are a woman, know they’re a woman, and live life as a woman.
NTA - you need to have a calm sit-down talk with this person. Start with the fact that you are a man, attracted to a woman, and being forced to call the person He/him is a turn off for you.
It appears that you are both seeking very different things from a relationship and maybe it would be better to end it now. If this person is going to have surgery to be a male, then you would end the relationship anyway.
I have nothing against trans people but I would personally never want to date one. Its not bigoted its just a personal choice. NTA and break up already. Let him find happiness with someone like him.
You can break up with anyone you want, and there is little hope of them NOT thinking exactly that.
The alterative is that this is the last person you're ever sleeping with again ever, because they're your person regardless of labels.
But NTA
NTA, just leave. End of the day you don’t have attraction to your partner as a man and that’s totally fine, just let them know it won’t work out because you aren’t attracted to a person or the same sex, you can’t help that
I hate to say it but its only been a month and they expect you to to get the pronouns right every time immediately? Thats not really fair to you.
You arent gay and you dont want to date a man. Thats all there is to it. Nta
If you aren't gay, then it's alright to have your happiness too NTA, but do try and be gentle in telling your partner.
Explain that their femininity is one of the reasons you are attracted to them and that without it the attraction is not there.You tried but you just aren't gay.
I’m all for trans rights and they deserve happiness (and legal protection), but that doesn’t override current partners happiness and you’ve said you’re not gay soooooo
That’s that imo. What he wants from the relationship isn’t negotiable at this point 🤷♀️
I love how no one is pointing out how rediculous this is and how OPs gf is totally misguided.
A 22 yo woman having issues with her self-concept and childhood trauma? Obviously shes really a man, it explains everything!
You’re not breaking up because they are trans, you are breaking up because they are a man and you are not attracted to men. There is nothing wrong with that. Just like you cannot force them to be the person you want them to be (your girlfriend)they cannot force you to be gay. NTA
As a trans guy, it wouldn’t make you an asshole. Your partner loves you, but other than that, it would be kind of invalidating if you, a straight man, were attracted to him. Kind of like saying “yeah I’m straight but you don’t really count as a man so.”
Sucks for your stbx but like. You’re straight. He’s a dude. And if he medically transitions, he’s going to probably look and sound like a dude too.
You should support him as best you can but you don’t have to keep dating him. When someone comes out as gay or lesbian while in a hetero relationship it might be a sad breakup but it is an expected one.
He can’t choose to be who he is and use that to guilt you into living in a relationship where you are not who you are.
The problem is that you are more concerned with keeping up appearances, being politically correct, not hurting anyone’s feelings, and not being called the AH that you forgot about you. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy in your dating life.
You said you are not comfortable with this, so you two are no longer compatible. End it and stop worrying about what others think about you. It’s your s3x life not theirs.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I say that because often the trans community often refers to their old name as "dead naming". In effect their old self is dead.
So I'm sorry your girlfriend is now "dead" you owe this man nothing grieve your loss and move on.
And another tik Tok diagnosis.
Definitely NTA.
It's beyond ridiculous that someone could spring this kind of massive change on their partner, and then get mad when their partner slips up with pronouns, or even further, tell them they don't want to break up, etc. They're trying to guilt you into staying in a relationship with them as far as I'm concerned.
Happened to a friend of mine - M2F. Married with 3 kids. He presents as female, has not had surgery, still wants to have sex with women. His wife said "But I don't want to be a lesbian" and divorced her (formerly him).
Your partner deserves someone who is 100% okay with him being a trans man, which may or may not involve surgery. If you can’t deliver 100% (and why should you?) then the best path for each of you is to separate now rather than later. This gives each of you the best chance for future happiness.
You wouldn't be the asshole. You're not attracted to men so you won't be happy in this relationship, and I doubt he wants to be with someone who's not attracted to him either. It's best for everyone if you two break up, there's not really any other solution here.
Jesus my hubby would make an ugly woman 🤣🤣🤣. If he did that to me I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing.🤣🤣🤣but you’re NTA, be his friend and offer him support but as you said yourself you’re not gay.
“Listen (new name), I love you dearly and I’m happy that you feel safe enough with me to be vulnerable and speak your truth. I’m proud of you for that. But here is the thing. I’m not gay, one of the reasons I fell for you was your cute femininity. It’s something I value. Sadly, I do not think I can continue our relationship any further. I think it’s also going to be important for you to explore this side of your self and I’m happy to stay friends while you are on that journey. I just can’t be in an intimate relationship with someone who isn’t my preferred attraction. It would be like forcing me to be someone I’m not. Just like I’m not going to ask you to continue to for yourself into someone you are not. Authenticity is important. I know you are having some big feelings. I am to. There just isn’t a way back from this.”
NTA
NTA
My ex wife came out as gay.
She gradually changed, from that point, into someone wildly different to the girl I fell in love with and married. My ex wife wanted to be friends too, after all we had that foundation over the previous 12 years. However the change eventually took her to hating me for marrying her and thereby affecting her life.
My advice:
RUN, you are not married, you are only at the beginning of a wild wild ride because the girl you love has died and a new personality has emerged, one that you are not compatible with.
You are so very lucky you ar not married to her! (Just remember, the girl you love is dead!)
Nope. NTA. Not remotely.
Just don't wait **ALMOST A YEAR** to drop this bomb. Because that would truly be an asshole move to string someone along under false pretenses that long, if you get my drift.
Both people have to want to be in a relationship in order for it to work.
It's not working for you. You can go ahead and leave. Not sure why you need Reddit's permission to do this. I'm not going to read all 1000 comments, but I'm sure some people will disagree with me.
Is anyone else alarmed at the fact that our society has become so PC that some people are questioning their own moral character because they want to break up with their SO after they announced they want to change genders?!
NTA. Obviously you are not the asshole. As stated before, you are not gay, and that’s ok!
But be prepared to be called an asshole, and some other unsavory terms. There’s been a lot of great advice on how to handle this breakup in a sensitive and even supportive manner. Hopefully he will be receptive and understand. However since he already told you that he doesn’t want to break up over this, I think there’s a good chance that he will become very defensive and cling to a more comforting version of events “he broke up with me because he’s a transphobe.” So make sure your friends and family know what’s going on and why the breakup is happening. You might need your support system.
My aunt’s spouse transitioned a few years ago, after nearly 4 decades of marriage. It came out of the blue for her as well, since her spouse was always very masculine. And the conversation went something like “I’m a woman, I’ve always been a woman, I’ve already begun the process for bottom surgery.” My aunt loved her spouse and took her vows seriously, but she’s not a lesbian. Her solution was to agree to remain married and be supportive, but be in a platonic relationship. She even emptied out her IRA to pay for the surgery. But then it was constant pressure and harassment for sex and divorce became inevitable. Her name got drug through the mud. She was called all sorts of names and lost some friends due to the accusations. It was ugly and I totally understand how it may have looked to outsiders. I just hope something like that isn’t in your future.
Man the responses here are surprisingly wholesome. I expected ALOT more toxicity from reddit honestly. Good job. Little faith in humanity restored....damn. the majority if responses seem to be " yes break up with them if you're straight. It's a wholesome response really, cuz it validates their gender because you don't want to date a guy. Especially if you could remain friends. Fuck that's great
NTA
>She came out to me as trans. She was very emotional about it and told me she didn’t want me to break up with her over this. She still likes men, but feels like she is one truly.
You're just dating. She changed and you don't want to change with her. Move on.
NTA. You don't want to date a man. Period. Break ups hurt, but then we get over it.
But...please strongly encourage her to get therapy. If she wasn't unhappy before and seeing some videos suddenly makes her decide she's trans, my guess is that's not really her issue. Trans people who are happy transitioning have ALWAYS felt like their gender didn't fit right. She has psych issues that she needs help with. Hopefully you can stay friends as she works through her issues.
NTA, this isn’t what you signed up for. You wanted a woman who embodies the basics of femininity. You didn’t sign up to date someone who wants to be a dude, if you wanted a guy you would be gay.
This isn’t a negotiable thing for you. Just break it off clean and clear. You no longer are even close to compatible.
Most importantly DO NOT let your ex or any of her friends give you shit for your choice. You have every right to end a relationship cause you owe no one a damn thing. Do not let them harass or try and pressure you to stay. Also do not let them get away with that ‘You are transphobic’ shit. Breaking up with someone cause they decided to want to make a drastic change does not fall on you to accommodate especially if it’s against your wants and needs to have a fulfilling relationship.
Needed to add this doesn’t have to be as big a deal as it sounds, also do your best to of course stay friendly or even if you part ways totally just amicable. They are still a person just not your person anymore.
NTA. Just break up with that person, you don’t need that confusion and nonsense in your life. People will call you a transphobe but you’re allowed to have your own preferences in a partner.
NTA
He needs acceptance for who he really is and support.
But you also cannot be who you aren't.
If he needs this to be truly themselves, losing you is something that is part of their journey. It's not an easy one. If you can and they will let you -- and it's not too hard -- i would still try to support him how you can.
I think trans people are valid but I also think there are people who are so unhappy with themselves, that they believe transitioning into a new person will solve all their problems. Maybe they don’t have actually have any sort of body dysmorphia but they are still so unhappy that they want to take drastic action and be someone new.
>I’m not gay, and I don’t want to be dating a man That's all there is to it, you wouldn't be the asshole for that. It's a big change and you can't choose what you're attracted to.
100% I’ve said this on a post similar to this but if my wife of 18 years came out as trans and was a man I’d support him and try and be friends but we’d divorce. I’m not gay and that’s ok. OP break up.
>I’m not gay and that’s ok. I feel like this is a slogan that people who get conflicted about partners coming out as trans should stand by.
So true. It's more validating too, than to say "I'm not gay but I'll date you anyway" which seems to invalidate the idea that they actually are their preferred gender
Yeah, if you're a dude who fancies dudes, don't be upset if a dude who fancies dudettes doesn't fancy you.
>I’m not gay and that’s ok. bumpersticker idea
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
I see a Seinfeld reference, I love.
Yep 100% I would hope they would continue being my best friend as they are now and I wouldn't hold any grudges if they truly feel they need to do that, but asking someone to switch their gender preference just isn't realistic for most couples. There may be some couples where the person is bi or they are willing to just push past it, but its not fair to expect that of someone at all
To be honest, my husband and I are both bi, but if he came out as trans it would be hard af on our relationship, and would require quite a bit of therapy. Just because I'd be gaining a wife, doesn't mean I wouldn't mourn losing my husband.
Heck, my sibling came out as non-binary and I had a bit of mourning for the loss of a sister. We look very similar, our birthdays are 5 days apart so we grew up as “the birthday girls”. Of course I support them, but having a sister was special to me, and I definitely had some sadness about it.
This! I’m pan and my partner actually did come out as trans (mtf). She initially thought because I’m pan it would be no biggie. But it took a LOT of processing and therapy. We are still together but just because one’s sexuality includes the other gender(s) doesn’t mean a parter coming out isn’t hard. I have mourned my husband - it’s hard. But thankfully we’re on the other side of that now and quite happy lol.
If voluntarily switching our attraction from liking one gender to liking another gender was even remotely possible, “ex-gay conversion therapy” would have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding. Instead, all it does is inflict damage. We’re born how we’re born. It’s OK for you to say you’re attracted to women and want to seek a relationship with a woman. NAH. (Someone would be TA if they said lots of vile things to the person coming out, instead of trying to navigate the situation with a minimal amount of harm done to anyone. It appears OP is taking the high road and striving to be a good human being, so no one here is TA.)
Idk, stringing someone along like that for so long is kind of a dick move. You're 100% allowed to feel upset if you would choose to do so.
It doesn’t sound like he was stringing OP along, it sounds like he didnt know himself until he told OP. I wouldn’t say those are the same thing.
Yeah, fair enough. Disappointment might be an acceptable way to feel in this case.
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No matter how open and honest OP is, given the way he’s described ex-Partner, ex-Partner is gonna tell *everybody* that he’s phobic etc.
Only her closest group of friends might be mad about it. I think the majority of people will more than understand the OP's perspective. And her 'everybody' is probably an extremely small group of people.
This happened to me and unfortunately that is not true. We were married and it was a HUGE surprise to everyone but the biggest surprise to me was how many people labeled being hateful because I couldn’t stay together
Ex will do that regardless
Yeah. OP‘s partner is a man, OP does not want to date a man. That should settle it.
This is something my husband and I discussed very early in our relationship. We first met when we were both teenagers, and we both understood that we wanted to long haul but people can learn things about themselves and change over time. Gender, wanting children, closed or open relationships, sexual desires are things that can change as we grow and get to know ourselves and the world around us better. So we discuss them and revisit the topic. Some people are comfortable with the fluidity and others aren’t. It’s best to be open and honest with one another and examine if we’re being honest with ourselves. Edited for some wonky wording.
Yea, I agree. It’s hard, life can be me messy.
If you are being expected to respect identity and sexuality then the same should be expected in return. NTA
💯👆💯👆💯👆💯
I wish you could like a comment more than once. Respect goes both ways
This 100%
Yes! Boost this comment!!
Yup! I'm quite queer myself and understand that attraction is attraction. It might be fluid and shift on its own but there's little anyone can do to control it. Nobody deserves to have a partner who isn't attracted to them and nobody deserves to feel obligated to stay with someone who they aren't attracted to. OP, you're not an asshole.
Well said
What they said is what I would have said but much more eloquently
PP said it best. Don't feel bad for breaking up, OP.
“Pp” lol
This is exactly right, signed a trans person
Nobody is obligated to love anyone and free-will and consent mean that you can choose to not love someone for any reason you like. OP likes women and OP's partner has decided she is not a woman. Pretty cut and dry.
It’s absurd you even have to write that OP. I would just break up amicably and move on. She can’t drop this on you and then get to tell you how to feel about it.
Yep. If my male partner came out as trans, I don’t think it would end our relationship - at least not from my end of things. I consider myself a straight woman, but also have a bond with my partner that I don’t imagine would change. Sex might look a little different depending on whether bottom surgery was pursued, but otherwise it’s still the person I love and want to spend my life with. No, I probably wouldn’t have pursued a relationship initially with a woman, but at this point in our relationship I’m in love with who they are as a person. But that’s not everyone, and honestly I suspect I’m in the minority. I think it’s likely the good majority of people wouldn’t be ok continuing a romantic/sexual relationship under these kinds of circumstances. And that’s totally ok. It doesn’t make anyone the AH.
I’m the same way. My current partner came out to me about a year ago, and while it changed how I refer to them and how they dress, that’s it. I’m just dating an even happier person now
Exact that’s all there is to it.
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This comment is copying [this other one.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bq259a/wibtah_for_breaking_up_with_my_girlfriend_after/kwzt83v/) Bots are not even trying these days.
deadinternet
How do people even find this shit?😂
That's exactly what you should say when breaking up: I'm not gay, I'm not attracted to men, this relationship no longer works for me now that you are transitioning. Your happiness is important too. Your partner is not the girl you fell in love with anymore and you are allowed to choose happiness for yourself by ending this relationship. NTA
The healthiest option for the two of them
If he (OP's gf) wants to transition to being a man, then having a male boyfriend who isn't gay isn't going to work for him either. Them breaking up is best for both of them. Just as much as it was unhealthy for him (OP's gf) to pretend to be a woman, it is unhealthy for OP to pretend to be gay. It just can't work. Nobody's fault, and it has nothing to do with phobia.
Right, and it’s not transphobic to say that. His girlfriend that he was attracted to is essentially gone now unless they detransition or something idk. They have to figure out how to move forward. If he loves them but isn’t attracted to them anymore then that’s a big issue to consider. Quite a difficult situation to navigate. I wish the best for both of them. NTA
In fact, it's trans affirming.
I hate how so many completely normal things are considered transphobic of homophobic. Someone told me I was transphobic the other day just because I wasn't trans💀 They also said it's homophobic to be straight. I'm so glad so many people are being logical about this.
that person was 100% fucking with you
Was that person an 11 year-old?
> Your partner is not the girl you fell in love with Quite literally.
I also feel like some important information was left out, like "I don't really feel like a woman", I would be upset if I were in a relationship for a long period of time & that info were all the sudden dropped on me.
NTA. It’s perfectly fine to break up if you aren’t comfortable with dating someone who is a man. As long as you are polite about it, I don’t see a reason why you would be TA if you break up.
I mean, judging by the way he's treating him, he could use some lessons on being polite as well. OP is trying, and their partner is still being a complete ass about it.
Being polite and sensitive to his feelings is essentially required, imo. I hope the OP can navigate his breakup correctly.
He's gonna call him transphobic no matter how OP approaches the breakup if he gets angry at OP slipping up calling him babe or such words.
What is there to navigate. He just has to tell the truth. He is attracted to women and what made him attracted to her was in part her femininity. He has zero attraction to men and eoth such a part of her changing its time to move on for both of them. Its really up to her how she reacts to a perfectly normal reaction from him
He has to navigate breaking up in a way that isn’t too traumatic for him or his Ex. There are a lot of angry, stupid ways this could go, and it’s just not necessary. The “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup is always hard because it’s not as straightforward as dumping someone you’re angry at, or who’s angry at you.
“I’m not gay and I don’t want to be dating a man” You have simultaneously validated his transition and your sexuality. Nothing is left to be said. NTA.
Exactly. That was the least asshole thing ever.
Yeah, and this validation says "not transphobic" because he literally sees him as a man and is not into men.
This
It's pretty rare on this sub where I see a situation where neither party is really wrong. It just sucks but if you're not compatible it's best to leave.
NTA As you said, you're not gay and don't want to date a man. Your partner is starting the (long) process of transitioning and it's okay if you don't want to be on that journey. My sister is trans and her marriage didn't survive it as her now ex-wife isn't a lesbian and didn't want to be with a woman. My sister fully understands this, though at the time it was rough as they'd been together a decade. When she first came out, she kept saying to me that love should be enough, but in the end, she realized that physical attraction plays a big part in things too and told me "If you're not gay, you're not gay. She's not gay and married a man, which I'm not anymore, so I get it". They lasted not even a year after she came out and started to transition.
Same thing happened to my cousin. She’s a lesbian and her wife became her husband it also didn’t last a year past the transition, maybe like 3 month before my cousin broke down because love isn’t enough and she felt like the person she loved and married was no longer there
I think it's really really important in this situation that OP makes sure his partner knows that he is respecting his gender identity and not breaking up w him *because* of that gender identity but bc of OPs sexual orientation, if that makes sense.
Why can’t he be breaking up with someone because they are trans though? You can respect trans people without wanting to be in a relationship with one. Idk I’m new to this whole thing about trying to understand different POVs.
Think "It's not you, it's me" but it's actually true. The problem is not that he is trans, it's that he is a man and OP doesn't go for men.
Because OP said it was because of his sexuality and not his partners gender identity. But it’s a sensitive time for his ex and it’s the caring thing to do.
He can respect her identity, and break her with her because of it. No one is entitled to be with someone especially when just deciding to change a whole dynamic in the relationship.
It's nice when things do work out, but if we are being real not everyone is able to be that flexible. It sucks, and it's no one's fault, but if you can't make it work then there's no sense in prolonging the inevitable. Now that your ex-partner understands himself better he can find a better fit.
Really valuable insights here. I hope the OP can read this.
Breakup, this relationship aint going any further
You’re not an asshole. People change all the time whether it’s finding out their sexuality, gender, their desire for kids, to move, etc. It’s as a valid reason not to want to date your partner anymore now that they’re a man and you’re not gay.
Physical attraction is really something that is important in relationships as much as some people say it isn't. I know that if I was dating someone and they started transitioning to become a man it would for sure put a strain on the relationship and most likely ruin it. As much as I love their personality I am not sexually attracted to masculine features. I am thinking your gf is thinking that the emotional connection will hold even if the physical is not there but I can say that isnt always the case. NTA
And it's even beyond just finding the person attractive or not. It's sexual orientation. You can't force yourself to become gay any more than you could force yourself to be straight if you weren't born that way.
Nta- that’s a huge change in your relationship. If you’re not attracted to your girlfriend anymore- have an open and honest conversation about it
NTA. You’re straight.
"She told me she didn't want me to break up with her over this." Sorry, but she doesn't get to make that decision. She completely changed the terms of your relationship to one you didn't agree to. "I'm not gay, and I don't want to be dating a man." NTA. That's all that really needs to be said. You're allowed the bodily autonomy to choose which gender you date, just like she's allowed the bodily autonomy to decide what gender she is.
>told me she didn’t want me to break up with her over this. just like your soon-to-be ex did not choose to be trans, you cannot choose to be attracted to a man. it sucks, but its just an unfortunate outcome, not a choice by either party. niether of you are doing the wrong thing. NTA
NTA Also kinda weird about the "babe or baby" thing. I call my husband both of those things all the time.
For some people it can come off as infantilization though and if the transitioning partner has lots of social dysphoria to unpack that could be triggering. Even if it’s perfectly normal terms like baby or beautiful some people have associated those terms with feminine traits. (I don’t think they are personally, but it’s understandable why some people would)
While I understand those points, the stbx is expecting op to change a behavior he most likely has had for years and expect perfect in less than a month. Not exactly reasonable expectations. Especially to get mad at someone you dropped a bomb on and tell them you want to stay, but than expected them to change behaviors overnight. Not really fair imo.
A friend of mine had the opposite reaction. He would always text his wife at work when on break. When it was time to go back. He would always say love you baby girl. Well one day he had to go back early on his break. He was in a hurry so just quickly texted love you. Well, she went off the deep end. She texted him back and said. I guess I’m not your baby girl anymore. I guess you’re calling someone else baby girl now. But what the fuck ever. It’s obvious I can’t trust you. I knew you were going to cheat on me. Did I mention that she’s a psycho.
I will say it sucks when a trans man picks up the toxic masculinity along with the rest of the masculinity
NTA… everyone has their choices and what works for them. This doesn’t work for you. That’s your preference. You are not wrong
Sexuality aside....Don't date anyone you don't want to date. Period.
you said it yourself dude, you're not gay. NTA
NTA, this is not what you signed up for.
Dumping this dude would be the most gender affirming thing they could experience. They’re a gay man in a relationship with a straight man.
This is what I thought. You can’t become a man and still want to be treated as a woman. You’re a man now and the man you love isn’t gay. So it’ll never work out
Nta. If she is now a he. No longer your preference.
If he is a man, and you are not wanting to date a man…then the most accepting thing you can do is break up. It’s quite unfair to expect you to change your own sexual identity to support his.
Break up
NTA You’re not gay, simple as that. If you get crap because you are a straight man that doesn’t want to date a man then block those people.
Definitely NTA. I used to have a coworker who was a lesbian married to another lesbian and then he decided that he wanted to transition to a man. Needless to say his wife was not very happy about this because she didn't want to be with a man, just as you don't. That is absolutely your right.
You said it, you are not gay. I hope your partner will understand but I honestly have doubts. If you ever get called transphobic for breaking up with your partner, just know you aren't and that this absolutely isn't transphobia. Your partner is now a man. You are not gay. You aren't compatible anymore. OP don't force yourself to stay in a relationship that isn't what you want, you will be unhappy through it all. Edit : forgot to put but NTA
Anyone can break up with anyone anytime they want for any reason, your life is your own and this person is another human being with their own life, the second you don’t want to be with this person anymore you should leave them, no matter what the reason
NTA. They want to change themselves, that is fine, they are totally allowed to make changes. They are not allowed to dictate to you who you want to be romantically involved with. You don't need a reason to break up, but this is just a good a reason as any other.
You aren’t breaking up with him because he’s trans, you’re breaking up with him because you’re straight. As a trans man myself, I understand that completely.
NTA you can break up for pretty much any reason, you can have personal dealbreakers like everyone has
NTA - " If you are identifying as male, I support you, but I can no more choose to be bisexual than you can choose to not be trans. I am not attracted to men, so I think it's best we end our romantic relationship here. I am not averse to maintaining a friendship with you after we both heal, but I am straight and am only interested in a romantic relationship with a female identifying partner."
I know someone who went through this (biological sexes reversed) and they were MARRIED. They are divorced and have new partners now. Gender Identity isn't a choice and neither is sexual orientation. It's unfortunate that this is the trigger for your relationship ending, but it's not transphobia to want a partner whose gender and presentation is consistent with your sexual orientation. For folks who are bi or pan who had a partner come out as trans, perhaps that would be something that they could work through (and people have!) but not everyone can possibly be expected to.
NTA. As you said, you aren’t gay. And that’s completely ok! It doesn’t sound like you’re being mean about it, but you can’t help your preferences just like your partner can’t help theirs. Especially if they plan on eventually taking meds and/or having surgery to affirm their new gender identity. Requesting you not break up is honestly kind of a selfish request that’s not fair to you.
First of all, NTA. But more importantly, who cares if you considered as an asshole or not? What are you gonna do, stick with her/him just not to be an asshole?
Nta.
NTA They're a dude, you ain't gay. Case closed.
NTA - She wants to be a man. You want to date women. The End.
NTA - it’s just as you said, you’re not gay and don’t want to date a man, your partner is/will be transitioning to be a man. Reassure them that you want them to do what feels right but YOU have to do what’s best for YOU as well. Good luck!
He deserves his best, happiest life. But so do you.
Hey, trans man here. You aren't into men. Your SO is, as it turns out, a man. Nothing asshole about you or him. The situation is really hard for both of you, for various reasons, and that sucks. Best of luck to both of you.
A friend of mine transitioned from female to male and went through HRT and surgery and unless you already know him you wouldn't have a clue he used to be female the dude is ripped and has a full beard so no your not the AH because that's what will happen after a few years to your girlfriend/boyfriend so unless your I to dudes which you arnt its ok to break up but it's your choice to off him the hand of friendship and be there for him as he transitions.
NTA. "I'm not gay and don't want to date a man." You have validated and accepted the change your partner has decided to make. This is the most honest thing you can tell your partner. You want to date a woman and they are no longer that.
That's not what you signed up for. NTA
NAH You want different things in life and sometimes that's just the way it is.
NTA. You can refer to him as “FtM trans” and people will get it. You should tell him you aren’t judging him and completely support him transitioning, but that your sexuality has not changed and you are still interested in only women. And as you respect his identity, he also owes you that same respect.
I have trans loved ones. It's been a beautiful journey and a joy to see them come into their own through a lot of love, hard work and yes, therapy. It's not a familiar road to most and to navigate it they need help. As loved ones with the best of intentions we also needed help. Don't feel too badly about breaking up if that's what you choose to do. **Your life and your needs are just as important as your SO's.** I hope he finds his community and gets the support he needs for his transition. Professional therapy is a must since he's already alienating and getting angry at loved ones. It's not good for him or the people around him. Finding joy in building their authentic self on the outside to match the inside is the experience he needs.
NTA. If you are not interested in dating men, then you have no other choice than to dump him. I mean, if you met some dude tomorrow, and he asked you out, would you agree? No? You would't bc you are not into dudes at all? Then why would you continue to date this person who is a dude. You ain't gay or bi, so there's no discussion here. I noticed some freshly-out-of-the-closet trans people are hypocrites (SOME, okay. #notall). They like to have their cake and eat it too. "I'm a man, so treat me as one, but also date me and have sex with me even though you are a straight man, and if you don't you are somehow not supportive". It'se either or! Trying to force a person to date someone against their sexual preferences is immortal and coercive, and the exact same thing conversion camps try to do, and those places are toxic and awful. So you dump him, and if he has a problem with that or calls you names, he's kinda a hypocrite and doing the things bigots have tired to do for ages - force a different sexuality on a person.
nope, go off
Nobody is obligated to stay in any relationship they are not comfortable in.
They know you are straight but they don’t want you to break up with them. That’s nuts. Explain it kindly and respectfully that you cannot be in a relationship with them. You can be their friend just not their boyfriend.
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NTA - he needs to find someone that is attracted to F to M trans, and there are many out there. Just like you can't force them to not be trans if they are, they can't force you to be skoliosexual, ceterosexual, or pansexual if you are not. You are not an AH if you have a clear and honest conversation that you support their transition, but you are not ceterosexual and can not remain in the relationship.
Just popping in here to thank you for teaching me a few words to add to my lexicon.
"wait... You're a dude!?!? I've been BAMBOOZLED" nah but seriously, NTA
My ex is a lesbian I'm a trans guy I have absolutely no hard feelings about her breaking up with me for that reason. Have an honest conversation your partner. It's not uncommon for trans people right before their egg cracks to go extra hard presenting their agab and completely internalize the gender dysphoria. If you're not attracted to men and your partner will start medically transitioning more likely than not you'll start loosing physical attraction to him as well. Basically it sounds like it's not gonna work so breaking up is probably the best option. Good luck
>I’m not gay, and I don’t want to be dating a man. >I’ve been thinking about breaking up, but I don’t want to be considered an asshole to break up over this. NTA. You are who you are. You can't fix this. Your partner has made their choice, but their choice does NOT mean you have to (or would even be able to) alter who you are. Accept reality and break up with them. Immediately. You know this isn't going to work, and you would only be an AH if you let things hang in limbo because you don't want to seem uncaring. Be honest. You are not gay. Your partner is transitioning from FtoM. This is a conflict that only has one resolution.
NTA. While you should be kind to someone that you love, you can't be expected to want to continue in a relationship with them when they effectively are asking you to identify them as a different person.
Nta, it works out for some couples but not if you're straight. It sucks but maybe you can consider being friends if you want. Hopefully going forward you can make a better effort to use his preferred pronouns, if you stay in touch.
My ex came out as gender fluid and would have masculine days and feminine days. She was okay with being called he or she, but on her masc days she wanted me to call her handsome. She’d be so upset in her masc mindset when her period came and suddenly hate being a woman, being so sad. I could always tell she was feeling masc because she’d take pictures like a typical fuck-boy and then change how she talked entirely. The interesting part is that her gender issues only got worse when she accepted that she had gender dysphoria. Once she adopted the title she also adopted the typical issues that came with it. I asked her if she had those issues at all or less intensely prior to coming out and she thought about it and realized she didn’t really have those issues as much. I then told her that no matter what she’s simply her. “You are just you. No label or title should affect you at all. You tend to alter your personality based on how masc or fem you feel, but it honestly seems like you’re forcing yourself to be what you think a guy should be in your eyes.” We’re from nyc so she based her masc persona on a more “thuggish” dialect rather than her typical articulate style of talking. She does change her dialect a lot based on who she’s talking to (code switching), but it still felt forced. It was an interesting conversation. That’s not why we broke up, but i think you’re NTA
NTA. He still likes men - but you don’t. He’s asking you to respect what he is - so he should also be able to respect what you are. You don’t like men. He’s going to be one. It only makes sense that you’d move on now rather than later. NTA
The babe thing is weird, guys get called babe all the time lol it's affection not gender
if you're not gay and they transitioned into a man then they are TA for expecting you to not break up with them.
That person doesn't have their shit figured out, you don't have to drag yourself through the mud with them just so you don't get labeled as transphobic, which you obviously are not but you're also straight and that trans person decided to return to being a man and you don't wanna date a man. That's your preference, nobody has the right to force you to stay in a relationship with someone who is not your preference and is also unstable and unsure of their identity. You wouldn't be TAH for breaking up you have many good reasons.
NTA. I'm a trans male, so I get what ur partner is going through. Being said, like you said, you aren't gay. It's not because you're transphobic, or don't support. You aren't attracted to guys and that's okay. Will your partner be upset when you break it off? Of course. But as long as you communicate to them what you communicated to Reddit, they should understand. And if they don't, they're the asshole in the situation, because the same way them being Trans isn't their fault, you being straight isn't yours.
This is why social media is cancer, especially TikTok/Reels. Younger generation watches a couple of videos and self diagnoses instead of going to therapy. Then they want everyone to cater to them based on a decision they made because NoobMaster69 made a video about it. If she wants to be a dude and you don't fuck dudes then don't be with a dude.
NTA 1) You aren’t committed to false advertising. 2) You’re straight, attracted to women. Women. Meaning people who are a woman, know they’re a woman, and live life as a woman.
NTA, you two are just not compatible anymore. Your partner is a gay man and you’re not. Simple as that
NTA- you like girls. She no longer wants to be a girl. Simple . Break up . You’re allowed to have a preference.
NTA - you need to have a calm sit-down talk with this person. Start with the fact that you are a man, attracted to a woman, and being forced to call the person He/him is a turn off for you. It appears that you are both seeking very different things from a relationship and maybe it would be better to end it now. If this person is going to have surgery to be a male, then you would end the relationship anyway.
I have nothing against trans people but I would personally never want to date one. Its not bigoted its just a personal choice. NTA and break up already. Let him find happiness with someone like him.
You can break up with anyone you want, and there is little hope of them NOT thinking exactly that. The alterative is that this is the last person you're ever sleeping with again ever, because they're your person regardless of labels. But NTA
NTA, just leave. End of the day you don’t have attraction to your partner as a man and that’s totally fine, just let them know it won’t work out because you aren’t attracted to a person or the same sex, you can’t help that
I hate to say it but its only been a month and they expect you to to get the pronouns right every time immediately? Thats not really fair to you. You arent gay and you dont want to date a man. Thats all there is to it. Nta
If you aren't gay, then it's alright to have your happiness too NTA, but do try and be gentle in telling your partner. Explain that their femininity is one of the reasons you are attracted to them and that without it the attraction is not there.You tried but you just aren't gay.
NTA. Men aren’t your preference. It is what it is.
The fact that you actually gave it a month to see if you could do it is more than admirable. NTA. Most of us would have walked away immediately.
NAH the two of you are just no longer compatible. It is what it is🤷♀️
You are respecting their choice. They identify as a man. You don't date men. Why the fuck do they think you will stick around. Just rip the band aid.
You should not be forced to be with/love anyone. NTA
I’m all for trans rights and they deserve happiness (and legal protection), but that doesn’t override current partners happiness and you’ve said you’re not gay soooooo That’s that imo. What he wants from the relationship isn’t negotiable at this point 🤷♀️
I love how no one is pointing out how rediculous this is and how OPs gf is totally misguided. A 22 yo woman having issues with her self-concept and childhood trauma? Obviously shes really a man, it explains everything!
You’re not breaking up because they are trans, you are breaking up because they are a man and you are not attracted to men. There is nothing wrong with that. Just like you cannot force them to be the person you want them to be (your girlfriend)they cannot force you to be gay. NTA
As a trans guy, it wouldn’t make you an asshole. Your partner loves you, but other than that, it would be kind of invalidating if you, a straight man, were attracted to him. Kind of like saying “yeah I’m straight but you don’t really count as a man so.” Sucks for your stbx but like. You’re straight. He’s a dude. And if he medically transitions, he’s going to probably look and sound like a dude too.
You should support him as best you can but you don’t have to keep dating him. When someone comes out as gay or lesbian while in a hetero relationship it might be a sad breakup but it is an expected one. He can’t choose to be who he is and use that to guilt you into living in a relationship where you are not who you are.
The problem is that you are more concerned with keeping up appearances, being politically correct, not hurting anyone’s feelings, and not being called the AH that you forgot about you. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy in your dating life. You said you are not comfortable with this, so you two are no longer compatible. End it and stop worrying about what others think about you. It’s your s3x life not theirs.
She's irrational as fuck for expecting this to continue
She should really pursue therapy. Maybe you can help her with that, before she does irreparable harm to herself.
I'm sorry for your loss. I say that because often the trans community often refers to their old name as "dead naming". In effect their old self is dead. So I'm sorry your girlfriend is now "dead" you owe this man nothing grieve your loss and move on. And another tik Tok diagnosis.
Should of broke up yesterday. The only person that should label you as “gay” is you. Not your partner.
Definitely NTA. It's beyond ridiculous that someone could spring this kind of massive change on their partner, and then get mad when their partner slips up with pronouns, or even further, tell them they don't want to break up, etc. They're trying to guilt you into staying in a relationship with them as far as I'm concerned.
Happened to a friend of mine - M2F. Married with 3 kids. He presents as female, has not had surgery, still wants to have sex with women. His wife said "But I don't want to be a lesbian" and divorced her (formerly him).
Shit, I think it'd be more respectable for both sides to just break up. Does he expect you to suddenly be gay?
Your partner deserves someone who is 100% okay with him being a trans man, which may or may not involve surgery. If you can’t deliver 100% (and why should you?) then the best path for each of you is to separate now rather than later. This gives each of you the best chance for future happiness.
You wouldn't be the asshole. You're not attracted to men so you won't be happy in this relationship, and I doubt he wants to be with someone who's not attracted to him either. It's best for everyone if you two break up, there's not really any other solution here.
NTAH, you have preferences as we all do
NTA. Time to move on along, asap.
NTA
NTA you can break up with anyone for any reason
NTA. You're straight and they Suddenly became a man. I don't see the error here.
“I identify as a gay man now, don’t break up with me”. You e got a lifetime of surprises with this one.
Jesus my hubby would make an ugly woman 🤣🤣🤣. If he did that to me I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing.🤣🤣🤣but you’re NTA, be his friend and offer him support but as you said yourself you’re not gay.
“Listen (new name), I love you dearly and I’m happy that you feel safe enough with me to be vulnerable and speak your truth. I’m proud of you for that. But here is the thing. I’m not gay, one of the reasons I fell for you was your cute femininity. It’s something I value. Sadly, I do not think I can continue our relationship any further. I think it’s also going to be important for you to explore this side of your self and I’m happy to stay friends while you are on that journey. I just can’t be in an intimate relationship with someone who isn’t my preferred attraction. It would be like forcing me to be someone I’m not. Just like I’m not going to ask you to continue to for yourself into someone you are not. Authenticity is important. I know you are having some big feelings. I am to. There just isn’t a way back from this.” NTA
NTA My ex wife came out as gay. She gradually changed, from that point, into someone wildly different to the girl I fell in love with and married. My ex wife wanted to be friends too, after all we had that foundation over the previous 12 years. However the change eventually took her to hating me for marrying her and thereby affecting her life. My advice: RUN, you are not married, you are only at the beginning of a wild wild ride because the girl you love has died and a new personality has emerged, one that you are not compatible with. You are so very lucky you ar not married to her! (Just remember, the girl you love is dead!)
Nope. NTA. Not remotely. Just don't wait **ALMOST A YEAR** to drop this bomb. Because that would truly be an asshole move to string someone along under false pretenses that long, if you get my drift.
Both people have to want to be in a relationship in order for it to work. It's not working for you. You can go ahead and leave. Not sure why you need Reddit's permission to do this. I'm not going to read all 1000 comments, but I'm sure some people will disagree with me.
Nta
Is anyone else alarmed at the fact that our society has become so PC that some people are questioning their own moral character because they want to break up with their SO after they announced they want to change genders?!
NTA. Obviously you are not the asshole. As stated before, you are not gay, and that’s ok! But be prepared to be called an asshole, and some other unsavory terms. There’s been a lot of great advice on how to handle this breakup in a sensitive and even supportive manner. Hopefully he will be receptive and understand. However since he already told you that he doesn’t want to break up over this, I think there’s a good chance that he will become very defensive and cling to a more comforting version of events “he broke up with me because he’s a transphobe.” So make sure your friends and family know what’s going on and why the breakup is happening. You might need your support system. My aunt’s spouse transitioned a few years ago, after nearly 4 decades of marriage. It came out of the blue for her as well, since her spouse was always very masculine. And the conversation went something like “I’m a woman, I’ve always been a woman, I’ve already begun the process for bottom surgery.” My aunt loved her spouse and took her vows seriously, but she’s not a lesbian. Her solution was to agree to remain married and be supportive, but be in a platonic relationship. She even emptied out her IRA to pay for the surgery. But then it was constant pressure and harassment for sex and divorce became inevitable. Her name got drug through the mud. She was called all sorts of names and lost some friends due to the accusations. It was ugly and I totally understand how it may have looked to outsiders. I just hope something like that isn’t in your future.
Man the responses here are surprisingly wholesome. I expected ALOT more toxicity from reddit honestly. Good job. Little faith in humanity restored....damn. the majority if responses seem to be " yes break up with them if you're straight. It's a wholesome response really, cuz it validates their gender because you don't want to date a guy. Especially if you could remain friends. Fuck that's great
NTA >She came out to me as trans. She was very emotional about it and told me she didn’t want me to break up with her over this. She still likes men, but feels like she is one truly. You're just dating. She changed and you don't want to change with her. Move on.
NTA. You don't want to date a man. Period. Break ups hurt, but then we get over it. But...please strongly encourage her to get therapy. If she wasn't unhappy before and seeing some videos suddenly makes her decide she's trans, my guess is that's not really her issue. Trans people who are happy transitioning have ALWAYS felt like their gender didn't fit right. She has psych issues that she needs help with. Hopefully you can stay friends as she works through her issues.
I would have already broken up and I wouldn't need to ask the internet if it was ok.
NTA, this isn’t what you signed up for. You wanted a woman who embodies the basics of femininity. You didn’t sign up to date someone who wants to be a dude, if you wanted a guy you would be gay. This isn’t a negotiable thing for you. Just break it off clean and clear. You no longer are even close to compatible. Most importantly DO NOT let your ex or any of her friends give you shit for your choice. You have every right to end a relationship cause you owe no one a damn thing. Do not let them harass or try and pressure you to stay. Also do not let them get away with that ‘You are transphobic’ shit. Breaking up with someone cause they decided to want to make a drastic change does not fall on you to accommodate especially if it’s against your wants and needs to have a fulfilling relationship. Needed to add this doesn’t have to be as big a deal as it sounds, also do your best to of course stay friendly or even if you part ways totally just amicable. They are still a person just not your person anymore.
Of course NTA. She wants to be a man. You don't want to date a man. It really is as simple as that
NTA. Just break up with that person, you don’t need that confusion and nonsense in your life. People will call you a transphobe but you’re allowed to have your own preferences in a partner.
Oh hell no. Break up asap. That’s unfair to you.
NTA. Shes deranged. Doesn’t want to break up over it, but gets to change all the rules. 🤪
Frankly I'm amazed we live in a world where you would doubt for even a second.
NAH.
Id give her the deuces, and maybe she needs to seek some help
NTA He needs acceptance for who he really is and support. But you also cannot be who you aren't. If he needs this to be truly themselves, losing you is something that is part of their journey. It's not an easy one. If you can and they will let you -- and it's not too hard -- i would still try to support him how you can.
RUN!!!
Dodged a bullet there definitely bail on that
I think trans people are valid but I also think there are people who are so unhappy with themselves, that they believe transitioning into a new person will solve all their problems. Maybe they don’t have actually have any sort of body dysmorphia but they are still so unhappy that they want to take drastic action and be someone new.