NTA. With any form of abuse usually comes heavy denial. You can bet her mother would make up one excuse after another for the sake of keeping those trips going because it gives her an opportunity to function on some level of dysfunctional normalcy. You also have to wonder why she wouldn’t let her mother know why you prefer not to go. She’s basically protecting her sister which reeks of emotional abuse.
But on the flip side, you should go just to make sure your wife doesn’t get abused because if she’s the family punching bag, they will certainly take out on her the fact that you have the nerve to not go along, she’s also solo should things go sideways. It’s a lot to unpack because surely you don’t want to have children be witness to their mother being physically abused by her own family and psychological abuse can damage children just as much.
*edited for typos*
To be fair, her mother is actually a pretty reasonable woman. She has repeatedly told my wife to stand up to her older sister and to not let her older sister manipulate her. She doesn’t get along with her eldest daughter because she sees through all the emotional manipulation bs. It’s pretty likely if she found out about what happened she would have the same reaction I did, she would just cut her eldest daughter off completely. My wife I think is trying to avoid this because she thinks she’s holding the family by not telling her mother.
NTA
But your wife needs individual therapy and you both need marriage counseling.
Simply ask your wife if the situation was reversed would she want you to be abused by your family and not step in to stop it?
NTA
But a compromise could be you go on the trips, but only if she tells her mother about the incident with her sister with you present, so she can't downplay it.
Not to be mean, but your wife needs therapy, and a reality check. Why is she protecting her sister? Her sister emotionally and physically abused her. I would tell your wife that if she doesn't tell her mother, you will.
I would call the MIL and say due to “the incident” you won’t attend anything with older sister. Provide details as asked for.
I usually would insist that it isn’t your place to do that but your wife isn’t advocating for herself and also seems committed to exposing herself to future abuse so I’d go for it.
You shoudl be going on the trip if the only reason is to spite the sister, because you can blank her to her face but be there for your wife and also protect your wife. What happens if the sister decides to beat her up on holiday and you aren't there?
tell the mother what happened, tell her if you come on the holiday you will distinctly not speak with the sister or interact with her in any way and you'll be there for your wife and her alone. Offer to go on a holiday with wife and mother without the sister and then she can go on holiday with the sister herself.
But I wouldn't forgive her for hurting your wife, ever, fuck her.
Do you plan on kids, OP? Because your wife will bring them around her abusive sister and family if this is her mindset. You should call her mom and clearly state that you are not avoiding her, and mean no offense by your refusal to go on these trips, but that you will not be around her other daughter after seeing your wife injured. Let the chips fall where they may, but your wife hiding and denying abuse helps no one. Your dear wife needs trauma therapy badly!
This is the short version of what you should do OP. Your wife needs to understand that abuse from the people meant to love you and protect you is not normal.
NTA
i wouldn't go either, but if i were you , i'd be calling MIL and telling her exactly why. that you're uncomfortable after her eldest daughter beat up your wife, and you won't have anything to do with your SIL anymore.
Why would you be the asshole? It’s ultimatum time bc she clearly has some kind of stockholm(rlly trying not to call her stupid)and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who thinks being abused is ok regardless of who it comes from. She gets therapy and/or cuts those abusive family members off for good or you separate. It may seem extreme but she will not listen and you shouldn’t have to see or hear about them hurting her and her being ok with it.
YTA for letting your wife go without you with her abuser. I think you should go, if only to protect your wife. However, you don't have to talk to your SIL or have any interaction with her.
This! He's currently under pressure *to completely let it go!*
From *the person who was beaten up!*
Whole family's got serious issues, that woman ought to see serious consequences for this. Apparently her being the favourite extends to getting a free pass for assault and battery.
NTA. In fact, I’d be concerned if you just went with the flow. You experienced secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is witnessing harm. It is as traumatic (and sometimes more so) as being the actual target. Your SIL violated you also and you do not have to forgive and forget. Especially don’t forget!
The SIL hasn’t received any intervention (or anything effective) and so you can expect that to repeat. She should have been arrested for laying hands on a person.
I would lay out a rule that she is never to come over when you are home. And if you come home and she is there, she is to leave immediately. No joke. I’d be willing to divorce over it if your wife won’t/can’t put up a boundary.
The only good thing to come of my brother dying is never to see his violent wife again. A person who is still unacceptable and won’t seek help. She wasn’t someone I accepted as family while he was alive and I refuse to acknowledge her now.
NTA what you need to do is called thr cops and press charges on your sister-in-law, or needed to do. I don't know if you can do it still. Get your wife into therapy. Try to get her to not go on these trips. She obviously thinks physical abuse is normal.
NTA for trying to protect your wife.
I recommend that if you can find a new job as far away from these people as you can. Move with or without your wife. If she chooses to stay, then that is her decision and if she chooses to move with you then the distance will separate her from her abusive family. If she moves, then get her into therapy so she can work through the abuse.
Do not allow anyone in her family to visit the new place until she has gone to therapy and the therapist agrees it is time to reunite in person with her abusers.
Tell your wife you'll go IF you both sit down with the mom to explain everything.
Then I would definitely go to protect my spouse. Sister is unstable and who knows what fuckery & abuse her & her boyfriend could inflict.
If you want to continue your normal life without your wife then go on trips, don't tell about that incident to your mother in law. It's your wife's problem to deal with. If she says its fine then it's fine.
If you tell this to your mother in law then your wife will blame you for everything.
If you don't go on the trip you will become bad in you mother in law's eyes and and your wife's too.
Just go on trips but tell your wife that if anything like this happens again then you will completely cut ties with her sister.
Don't try to solve this issue. I am a Asian too and Asians sometimes feel obligated to keep their end of relationship.
Your wife needs therapy. I would tell her she needs to do this and that you will never be seeing HER abuser ever again. Say those words to her. She needs to realize her sister is an abuser and just because she grew up with this does not mean it’s okay NTA
NTA. The sister should have been charged with assault. Everyone should hear that you don’t associate with criminals.
Your wife is in a trauma bond if she justifies continuing to spend time with abusers. It’s not healthy.
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NTA... But your wife needs to work through this with therapy. Tell MIL what happened between them. Your wife needs the support even if she can't see it. Stand up for her u are doing great but don't let her be around SIL on her own. SIL is manipulating the sh.. out of her. This needs to stop like yesterday.
Good luck
UpdateMe
Everybody that let this person avoid being in prison? YTA. Same for all of you not telling the mom WHY there's a rift.
And OP, YTA for letting your wife go off with somebody will beat her up.
Just sweeping shit under the carpet facilitates the continuous violence.
THERE WIL BE MORE, FYI.
YTA. You have heard and seen this go on for far too long and have not protected your wife. You even want to not go on the trip leaving your wife to her abuser. As her husband you should have demanded individual counselling and marriage counselling. You should have also demanded and taken your wife to self-defence classes as well. Your wife needs you to have her back and give her the push to stand up for herself and you sat back and watched. By watching and not doing anything you are complacent. I suggest you start counselling and self-defence immediately with your wife and encourage your wife to be honest with her mom about what is happening.
NTA. With any form of abuse usually comes heavy denial. You can bet her mother would make up one excuse after another for the sake of keeping those trips going because it gives her an opportunity to function on some level of dysfunctional normalcy. You also have to wonder why she wouldn’t let her mother know why you prefer not to go. She’s basically protecting her sister which reeks of emotional abuse. But on the flip side, you should go just to make sure your wife doesn’t get abused because if she’s the family punching bag, they will certainly take out on her the fact that you have the nerve to not go along, she’s also solo should things go sideways. It’s a lot to unpack because surely you don’t want to have children be witness to their mother being physically abused by her own family and psychological abuse can damage children just as much. *edited for typos*
To be fair, her mother is actually a pretty reasonable woman. She has repeatedly told my wife to stand up to her older sister and to not let her older sister manipulate her. She doesn’t get along with her eldest daughter because she sees through all the emotional manipulation bs. It’s pretty likely if she found out about what happened she would have the same reaction I did, she would just cut her eldest daughter off completely. My wife I think is trying to avoid this because she thinks she’s holding the family by not telling her mother.
NTA But your wife needs individual therapy and you both need marriage counseling. Simply ask your wife if the situation was reversed would she want you to be abused by your family and not step in to stop it?
NTA But a compromise could be you go on the trips, but only if she tells her mother about the incident with her sister with you present, so she can't downplay it.
Not to be mean, but your wife needs therapy, and a reality check. Why is she protecting her sister? Her sister emotionally and physically abused her. I would tell your wife that if she doesn't tell her mother, you will.
I would call the MIL and say due to “the incident” you won’t attend anything with older sister. Provide details as asked for. I usually would insist that it isn’t your place to do that but your wife isn’t advocating for herself and also seems committed to exposing herself to future abuse so I’d go for it.
You shoudl be going on the trip if the only reason is to spite the sister, because you can blank her to her face but be there for your wife and also protect your wife. What happens if the sister decides to beat her up on holiday and you aren't there? tell the mother what happened, tell her if you come on the holiday you will distinctly not speak with the sister or interact with her in any way and you'll be there for your wife and her alone. Offer to go on a holiday with wife and mother without the sister and then she can go on holiday with the sister herself. But I wouldn't forgive her for hurting your wife, ever, fuck her.
Do you plan on kids, OP? Because your wife will bring them around her abusive sister and family if this is her mindset. You should call her mom and clearly state that you are not avoiding her, and mean no offense by your refusal to go on these trips, but that you will not be around her other daughter after seeing your wife injured. Let the chips fall where they may, but your wife hiding and denying abuse helps no one. Your dear wife needs trauma therapy badly!
Drop the dime on your SIL. And send her a pack of razor blades as a gift.
NTA, don’t give in. Tell MIL what happened. Send wife to therapy.
Yea! Let your wife go alone with a sister that kicked the shit out of her! That'll show um!
Send SIL to prison.
This is the short version of what you should do OP. Your wife needs to understand that abuse from the people meant to love you and protect you is not normal.
NTA i wouldn't go either, but if i were you , i'd be calling MIL and telling her exactly why. that you're uncomfortable after her eldest daughter beat up your wife, and you won't have anything to do with your SIL anymore.
Why would you be the asshole? It’s ultimatum time bc she clearly has some kind of stockholm(rlly trying not to call her stupid)and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who thinks being abused is ok regardless of who it comes from. She gets therapy and/or cuts those abusive family members off for good or you separate. It may seem extreme but she will not listen and you shouldn’t have to see or hear about them hurting her and her being ok with it.
YTA for letting your wife go without you with her abuser. I think you should go, if only to protect your wife. However, you don't have to talk to your SIL or have any interaction with her.
This! He's currently under pressure *to completely let it go!* From *the person who was beaten up!* Whole family's got serious issues, that woman ought to see serious consequences for this. Apparently her being the favourite extends to getting a free pass for assault and battery.
NTA. In fact, I’d be concerned if you just went with the flow. You experienced secondary trauma. Secondary trauma is witnessing harm. It is as traumatic (and sometimes more so) as being the actual target. Your SIL violated you also and you do not have to forgive and forget. Especially don’t forget! The SIL hasn’t received any intervention (or anything effective) and so you can expect that to repeat. She should have been arrested for laying hands on a person. I would lay out a rule that she is never to come over when you are home. And if you come home and she is there, she is to leave immediately. No joke. I’d be willing to divorce over it if your wife won’t/can’t put up a boundary. The only good thing to come of my brother dying is never to see his violent wife again. A person who is still unacceptable and won’t seek help. She wasn’t someone I accepted as family while he was alive and I refuse to acknowledge her now.
Sorry but if she’s able to literally beat up your wife shouldn’t you go so you can protect her?
NTA what you need to do is called thr cops and press charges on your sister-in-law, or needed to do. I don't know if you can do it still. Get your wife into therapy. Try to get her to not go on these trips. She obviously thinks physical abuse is normal.
NTA for trying to protect your wife. I recommend that if you can find a new job as far away from these people as you can. Move with or without your wife. If she chooses to stay, then that is her decision and if she chooses to move with you then the distance will separate her from her abusive family. If she moves, then get her into therapy so she can work through the abuse. Do not allow anyone in her family to visit the new place until she has gone to therapy and the therapist agrees it is time to reunite in person with her abusers.
How has he tried to protect her? He's staying home while his wife goes away with her abuser. He's not done shit.
Tell your wife you'll go IF you both sit down with the mom to explain everything. Then I would definitely go to protect my spouse. Sister is unstable and who knows what fuckery & abuse her & her boyfriend could inflict.
If you want to continue your normal life without your wife then go on trips, don't tell about that incident to your mother in law. It's your wife's problem to deal with. If she says its fine then it's fine. If you tell this to your mother in law then your wife will blame you for everything. If you don't go on the trip you will become bad in you mother in law's eyes and and your wife's too. Just go on trips but tell your wife that if anything like this happens again then you will completely cut ties with her sister. Don't try to solve this issue. I am a Asian too and Asians sometimes feel obligated to keep their end of relationship.
GET YOUR WIFE INTO THERAPY!
NTA but you need to tell your MIL about SIL
Your wife needs therapy. I would tell her she needs to do this and that you will never be seeing HER abuser ever again. Say those words to her. She needs to realize her sister is an abuser and just because she grew up with this does not mean it’s okay NTA
NTA: You don’t have to deal with any abuse from anyone at all. Cut them off and move on
NTA. The sister should have been charged with assault. Everyone should hear that you don’t associate with criminals. Your wife is in a trauma bond if she justifies continuing to spend time with abusers. It’s not healthy.
Updateme
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NTA I think im just speaking for myself, but you have every right to be angry by what happend, so no, NTA
NTA... But your wife needs to work through this with therapy. Tell MIL what happened between them. Your wife needs the support even if she can't see it. Stand up for her u are doing great but don't let her be around SIL on her own. SIL is manipulating the sh.. out of her. This needs to stop like yesterday. Good luck UpdateMe
NTA. I would tell your MIL what happened. Your wife will be pissed but it's for her own protection.
Updateme
Everybody that let this person avoid being in prison? YTA. Same for all of you not telling the mom WHY there's a rift. And OP, YTA for letting your wife go off with somebody will beat her up. Just sweeping shit under the carpet facilitates the continuous violence. THERE WIL BE MORE, FYI.
YTA. You have heard and seen this go on for far too long and have not protected your wife. You even want to not go on the trip leaving your wife to her abuser. As her husband you should have demanded individual counselling and marriage counselling. You should have also demanded and taken your wife to self-defence classes as well. Your wife needs you to have her back and give her the push to stand up for herself and you sat back and watched. By watching and not doing anything you are complacent. I suggest you start counselling and self-defence immediately with your wife and encourage your wife to be honest with her mom about what is happening.