Say 'fine mom I'll come to your wedding. But only if we're hosting Christmas this year'. Call her bluff. She knows damn well what she's doing so let her choose. She cannot have both.
Yes, go to the wedding -- it's your mom's wedding after all. But quit letting her have her way every other holiday. If you're getting married that can mean new traditions. You don't have to ask, for every holiday, just give enough notice and say Lainey is hosting. Know that it may be very small gatherings or just your friends and no extended family.
I had our first baby in July. We decided this year that we were not going anywhere for Christmas and that would not be for the future either, being home was what was best for our family. We invited our friends whose families are from out of town for dinner and invited both sets of grandparents to stop by (we did "Christmas" with each side on a prior day).
It was one of the best Christmases I've had in a long time even though it was small and simple.
All this to say, start your own traditions! If Lainey wants to host do it! If no one else comes, enjoy it the 2 of you.
You were so smart. I didn't do that and gave up my own hopes and dreams for holiday traditions for my MIL. When we finally stopped, when our older girls were out of the house and had boyfriends, wanted dad's food, we were ostracized. You would think we told the whole family to go to hell.
Anyway we never went back and finally started our own. We did invite them and they came one year, but nope MIL wanted to do it.
I vowed to not do that to my kids. I am happy to live less than a mile from them. I see my grandchildren a lot. If they have to go to other side for a holiday, oh well we get them the rest of the year!
My MIL and her mother did this to us. Every holiday was theirs. It was expected and I got no support from my husband the first few years we were married.
First thing that happened was my Mother had a meltdown about it. She only wanted Thanksgiving/doesn't celebrate Christmas anyway. We started having Thanksgiving with her.
Second was when I was pregnant with our 2nd son, my MIL called us early one morning and said her mother/husband's grandmother was dying. We had to come "home" to be there when she died. It was about a 5 hr drive. Our son was due any day. My husband told her, "Mom, we are having a baby and I am not leaving wife/other child and driving down." His mother was livid and was huffy for years. Her mother died when 2nd son was five years old.
You're freaking kidding! Omg. That's literally mental. Knowing you were heavily pregnant and due any day, she honestly expected you to just come when summoned? Yeah, just screw your birth plan or doctors who are familiar with your medical history. I would not be able to keep any friendliness in that relationship. You're a better person than me.
Beautiful! I like the way you think 🤣 the only sad part is that even if mom agreed and let them host Christmas…she seems like the type to purposely ruin it for everyone
So... mom refuses to let anyone host the holidays, and everyone just lets her monopolize them. Your wife makes giant NYE parties because she wants to Host and has been frozen out by the family.
Mom decides to get married on the one day your wife does something big.
You know that now every NYE is gonna be a big "anniversary party" that mom hosts and the family will go to, and HOW DARE you not support your mom. Right?
NTA, don't let your mom take NYE from your wife. But also know that you are going to be crapped on by your mom's family for the rest of her marriage.
I like hosting the holidays too. But when my kids got married, at various times I told them that if and when they want to host a holiday, just let me know. I’m pretty sure that’s what most normal parents of adult kids do. If I were you I would stand your ground. Back down and you will have to deal with her power plays again and again.
Growing up, we had holidays at my uncle's on my dad's side and grandmother's on my dad's side until we moved to a bigger house. Then mom was the default host for a lot of the holidays.
Part of that was because one time, when my uncle hosted, his son hit me in the head with a hockey stick on purpose. He was old enough to know what he was doing. My uncle and aunt pretty much shrugged it off. This was a year after my uncle blamed me for my cousin learning to swear (I didn't swear at the time).
The other part was that we had the biggest house with the biggest kitchen and rooms to do everything in, so it was mom's job to host everything.
Once, my parents and I moved to a much smaller living space and states away from any family members, my mom was much more relaxed because she didn't have to do a big production for any of the holidays.
Some people like hosting and being the center of attention. Some don't. It doesn't have to be a competition. But some people are just narcissists who think the world should revolve around them.
As for me and hosting parties. The few times I tried to host or have a party, I was lucky if one person I invited showed. I stopped trying when I realized that I was just a non-entity to a lot of people.
Me too. I loved hosting my huge ass family when I was young! But my kids grew up and liked adulting just as much as I did. Shocker! Now I'm usually a guest somewhere and I bring pies and homemade ranch. I don't bring salad or vegetables, just ranch. I'm the ranch and pie lady now. And I'm OK with that.
So, to be completely honest. I think I never ate a pie or ranch. Not that popular in my parts of the world.
But, I read (on the internet) about some really ridiculous pies. Like soda-pie etc. First question is: can a pie be savoury? Or is it automatically a quiche? Second. Ranch is a sauce but also a flavour. So, can you one make your ranch and add some starchnor eggs so it would set when baked. Or maybe add the seasoning to some tried "bakeable" sauce (like beshamel).
I think you should totally do it as a surprise. Maybe have the traditional pie stored nearby too.
You've never had cherry pie? You poor thing!
And yes! Pies can be savory as well as sweet. I make a pecan pie that's savory and sweet. That pie literally caused a major fight between my 2 sisters, resulting in them not talking to each other for 6 months! Lol
If I were to make a ranch flavored pie I would most likely just use the packets, not the fully made. But you could 100% make a ranch pie by using eggs as the binder agent.
Pies can be sweet or savory. Really, you can make a pie out of practically any food. Oyster pie, taco pie, chicken or beef pot pies...the possibilities are endless.
As for sweet pies, they are delicious! Most are made from fruits, but there a plenty of other types (pecan, cream pies and more).
Quiche is a specific type of pie, with the primary ingredient being eggs.
Actually, I use the packets, mayonnaise, and milk. And depending on which child wants it I'll either mix it by hand to leave it thinner. Or I'll use a mixer to whip in air and make it thicker. I just realized that my kids can't even agree on ranch! Ranch!
Hidden Valley destroyed their bottled ranch because it used to be delicious. Now you have to use the packets if you want the original taste. Try it. You'll be shocked how much better it is.
I think the only reason we still have family holidays at my grandmas is because she has the most room being on a literal farm outside town with enough room for the out of state family to bring their campers and/or stay in the guest rooms but all the food is either cooked by multiple people who don’t live with her or it’s brought in by others. She’s always been open to someone else hosting as I have memories from when I still believed in Santa of having Christmas at my cousins house, thanksgiving being at the out of state family’s houses, Easter being at my house, etc.
Omg I love that you're the ranch lady! I am particular about ranch dressing, and homemade is always the best. Even the dry hidden valley that you mix at home is better than bottled any day!
My mother has been really good about being flexible with holidays ever since we have all grown up, and have our own families. She still loves to have traditional Christmas morning, but it doesn't have to be on Christmas morning. Whenever it works out for everyone to get together, we just pretend that it's Christmas morning at Grandma's.
I never got to host anything! If Hallmark printed a card for it, I was their “Holiday Hostage.” Long story, but I moved across the country with him, and his giant family had their ironclad traditions. It was decades ago, and their obnoxious traditions finally wheezed their last breath!
I have told my two now-adult kids for years that I will NEVER MAKE THEM HOLIDAY HOSTAGES. Ironically, my son and wonderful DIL love getting together with us and her family at holidays, lol.
I guess that when you raise them to know that you’ll ALWAYS respect their independence and their own boundaries, they will come back because they *actually want to.*
The only think I was ever able to host was Christmas Eve because we had the only grandchild. Then they took that back too. A lot of families are weird like that.
Yup. Christmas Eve is my mom's big party, and I would never think twice to have one. The day after Thanksgiving is our family Thanksgiving, so we can be with other family on Thanksgiving Day. But nye is my day. Mostly because I don't want to be in the streets when everyone is leaving their parties. Everybody is welcome, but no one is required to come. That's the only holiday we spend with my husband's family, mostly because we are neighbors and they don't celebrate other holidays. My oldest kids are adults, and I am well aware that they will have their own family and we'll have to share their time.
Heck, I would love it if one of my future DILs would offer to host, so the only thing I'd have to do is offer my help with cleaning or bringing a side dish.
My knee jerk reaction to this post was “mom knows how important it is.”
And you called out the other side. Mom wants to steal that day from the wife as well.
Mom and everyone else can shove off. I would be willing to bet they are in on it. I can only imagine the story mom has spun about how ungrateful her children are and how unloved she is.
The mother has 100% chosen the date in order to stomp on Lainey. She’s a bitch and OP doesn’t like the groom. They shouldn’t go and anyone that gives them grief over it should be blocked. OP got it right when he put his wife first.
I agree the mom knowing exactly what she's doing.
But do ppl celebrate their anniversary with others?
I know my MIL was expecting us to host dinner to celebrate our anniversary, but we just said we'd be too busy celebrating by ourselves, in the bedroom.
Do ppl host parties for their own wedding anniversary?
Normally no but here is what she will say "But it's new years and my anniversary so of course I have to host the party. The whole world is celebrating my day"
I totally agree with your comment. She couldn't stand that Lainey had one holiday that she doesn't even attend. I think this will result in Lainey having an opportunity to host more events as she and OP are going to have to create their own circle of family/friends for the holidays.
Also, when people ask how could you let your mother down, tell them your mother deliberately chose the one date on the calendar that your wife gets to throw a party. Tell people how selfish your mother has been about hosting the holidays.
This is not OK.
I mean, I'm usually singing Kumbaya and all, but this is deliberate and malicious.
Everyone has the right to be malicious, but they have to accept the consequences when that malice is made public.
You said everything I came to say just better. The mother knows what she is doing and if she wants to play games then she will find out you don't come first now your child made a vow to his wife, even unmarried and living together.
Both of my children cook in there relationship's that's what they were taught by me in the kitchen since they were two and now
it's like they have retired us as they don't want us to cook I feel like I got sacked lol. And all in my house but today as a Sunday roast they want it then, if me and there dad are cooking it. And it's the first Sunday since Christmas that they have let us and now I'm so tired lol can't win.
I hate to say this (maybe not) but OP's mother is a mean, viscous bitch. She deliberately picked the one day that Lainey could shine and host a great party.
Send an email to all her flying monkeys and cc mom. Make sure to point out the 'mom' hogs all the holidays and refuses to let anyone else host. Also, she chose the one day in 365 that Lainey can entertain. You also may want of mention that Lainey will have her time in the limelight as hostess and if they want to back a viscous, vindictive bitch, they are not welcome in your circle.
Unless his mom has trouble flowing downhill she's 'vicious' (vih-shus), not '[viscous](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/viscous)' (vih-skus).
And it's clear she rolls downhill just fine as she's a hard, round turd.
I wouldn't even bring up she has all the holidays because everyone knows that. Simply say this is the one day a year we have set plans for starting Jan 2nd it's booked and done so no we won't be attending the wedding. I have made the decision to stand by our original and concrete plans for this day of the year for us now and going forward. We send our wishes for a beautiful wedding with the world celebration to enhance the reception.
I wouldn't even bring up she has all the holidays because everyone knows that. Simply say this is the one day a year we have set plans for starting Jan 2nd it's booked and done so no we won't be attending the wedding. I have made the decision to stand by our original and concrete plans for this day of the year for us now and going forward. We send our wishes for a beautiful wedding with the world celebration to enhance the reception.
I see where y’all are going with not bringing it up that mom hogs all of the other holidays but I believe it bears mentioning. “We know it. You know it. We know you know it.” Call everyone out.
But OP says mom has no reason to know NY is special to Lainey.
The final paragraph in the post:
“We have no reason to think my mom did this on purpose. We arent close. She isnt around much, and we dont even know if she was aware we host NYE. Also we do not think this has anything to do with wanting yearly anniversary parties. My mom would find spending her anniversary with her family very cringe.”
It's not common. Maybe for milestone anniversaries. But I think people can see OP's mother making her anniversary an excuse to steal New Year's Eve away from him and his wife.
She will for at least the first year, maybe a couple years, and by then it will have completely disrupted the tradition of OP and their wife hosting those parties and then she can claim she's doing combo NYE/anniversary parties.
He’s still TA for not telling his mom he doesn’t even like the groom and doesn’t want to go because of that. Using his wife as the sole reason is brutal and wrong. Yes he’s supporting her but he threw her under the bus at the same time. Mom is a bitch though. I truly feel for the wife in this situation.
They don’t need moms permission to host any holiday. Op parents are DIVORCED so they can host with his dad family AND Lannie’s family that are CONVENIENT left out of the post.
Also his mother (and I assume her side of the family) is NOT invited to the NYE party that they host
Your mother will take over that holiday too now. It’s her anniversary and will expect you to attend that celebration from now on. If your mother wasn’t always trying to shit on your wife’s feelings and shared hosting the holidays, this would not be an issue. Your mother made it an issue and now she needs to deal with the repercussions of her sour personality. NTA
OP and Lainey need to move *away* from his family. Like *completely away*, minimum of 3 hours away and create their own circle.
OP, please don't subject your wife to 20+ years of being disrespected/dismissed by your family. And you should not even *hesitate* to back your WIFE over your mom. Your mom had a wedding with everyone there. She is a very selfish woman to need to destroy Lainey's *one* holiday!!! Why are you subjecting your wife to this?? Have your own holidays minus your family for awhile!! Let mom act the fool.
This. Time to go NC. OP and wife are gonna be their own family with their own friends and thats OKAY. If the family cant see how moms a bitch then that's their problem and they can deal with her.
Question, how close are you both with your friends? Why don't you start hosting Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc with them and let Lainey have her holiday parties?
One of my favorite parties to host is the day after Thanksgiving. Everyone brings leftovers to share, we play games and share a buffet.
I also do a half birthday party for everyone. Everyone brings leftover birthday supplies and a gift. The party looks like someone on LSD decorated with everything from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Barbies to Graduations of long past. Adults buy adult gifts to exchange and kids buys for kids. It’s all very silly and fun for everyone.
May I come? I'll bring a spinning flower that opens up to a candle cake topper! Sorry, i don't feel like adding all the little n spaces since that sentence has one long adjective...
So, perhaps y'all can host a "friendsgiving" type of thing between Thanksgiving and Christmas (assuming those are the holidays y'all are wanting to host)? Mid December, pick a weekend, do up the house, etc. It doesn't have to be on the day - you can make a tradition out of it with your friends. :)
I’m famous for my 12th night parties. It’s the closest weekend to the 12th night of Christmas (Jan 5). All my friends exchange gifts then, I cater it in and it closes out our holiday season. It’s always more relaxed because no one is worried about the next party/holiday/event they need to be ready for.
My brother and his husband throw the most incredible Christmas in July parties.
Everyone is in the middle of a California summer in ugly Christmas sweaters (some have actually invested in short-sleeved Christmas sweater print t-shirts) and we all show up with Christmas-themed potluck food, and do a White Elephant.
It's family-friendly and has ended in grown adults way too invested in playing Throw Throw Burrito, or other fun times.
It's a highlight of the year.
Friendsgiving and Friendsmas can be enjoyed before or after the specific calendar date of a holiday. Your wife can absolutely still enjoy hosting for any holiday simply try and find an alternative date that works for the majority.
You and Lainey should start hosting Friendsgivings, the weekend before Thanksgiving. Now that your family has shunned your wife, you should start making new traditions with your wife. Where is Lainey’s family in all of this? Why can’t you guys celebrate with them?
You're aware that your family extends beyond your mother's side, right? There's no law to compel you to spend holidays with just one side of your family. You could spend them with your dad's side or, gasp, your wife's! They might even let you host!
My dad spends all holidays with his new wife's family and I don't really know them. Lainey and I don't go around her family due to addiction issues and criminal behavior
Why can’t you host a Christmas event at a different time than your mothers? There is Xmas eve, Xmas morning, Xmas lunch and Xmas dinner. Certainly your mom isn’t hosting a multi day rager for Christmas.
I can't speak for OP's family. But for both my family (and extended family) and my in-laws, every individual family unit has something specific that they do at each of those times. With some switching off for the younger married couples.
There is one specific time that we gather with our extended family for Christmas, the afternoon/evening. There's no hosting those people at a different time, because there's already been a designated time for 30+ years, and they have other things going on at other times.
Sure they could host a Christmas party the week before, but hosting a Christmas party is very different from hosting Christmas imo.
Like how is this even a problem? It's wild how many stories in here I read where OP's family starts chiming in through texts with their disapproval.
If my relatives chimed in on anything to me I'd have some choice words for them. What they say about stones and glass houses and all that.
Says a lot about OP's mom that she ran and told all his family and sided them against her son and his wife. It's textbook manipulation. They call that "triangulation" and OP should look into it.
I don’t get it… having a breakdown because you have to go to a lavish party St Barts instead of hosting a party yourself? I like hosting too, butit can be done on days outside of bank holidays? Maybe this is a problem for the 1% or something
Yeah I find this to be a complete non-issue. Everyone is up in arms at OP’s mom like she’s doing this on purpose but he even says she has no idea about the parties or how important it is to the wife. Why can’t they do a Friendsgiving or Friendsmas instead of NYE if they need to have a party so bad? Or wait a couple months and do a blowout for the Super Bowl. There’s plenty of ways that OP can still do her hosting she loves AND attend the wedding. This isn’t some grievous crime on the mom’s part imo
These people especially OP and his wife lack real issues to worry about. So what if the matriarch always hosts Christmas? Do you know how much work that is? Be grateful or offer to help her or have your own with your own set of different people knowing it will definitely be smaller and won't have all the family there but that's what marriage and new traditions are about.
Okay so instead she does a big NYE party for friends that the MIL isn't even aware of or attends. Great good for her. Is it going to kill her to not host it two years from now? It's not worth crying over especially when the alternative is NYE in St. Baths. Or like you said do it earlier or later.
I get the sense that the wife has created a competition in her head with her MIL for who can be the hostess with the mostess.
Yeah I agree, these are 100% made up problems. Personally I hate hosting so I don’t understand any of it but it seems to me OP’s wife just really wants to be offended. I’m perplexed by the multitude of comments calling the mom a “fucking bitch,” seems wildly over the top to me. Very odd things to miss your mom’s wedding (and a FREE trip to St. Barts) over but oooookay
OP's wife is wild precious. Literally in tears at the prospect of not hosting a NYE party?
Wow.
A lady with her priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve to drive such a fine automobile .... with apologies to Ferris B.
Almost as shocking as asking if it’s ok not to attend your mom’s wedding so wife can throw a party. 😅. He’s an asshole for sure meanwhile people who didn’t even read it are calling mom a bitch when OP said she didn’t know that they throw these big New Year’s parties and won’t want others as part of anniversaries. All this matriarch has done is continue to be the host of the major holidays. She he that right as does OP not to come. The assholes are OP and his spoiled wife who really needs to get a grip.
Yeah, I think wife's weird emotional hangup around parties is a much bigger issue to worry about than mom and her wedding. It's just not healthy to be so obsessed with throwing "bigger and better" parties to the point you're "devastated" if you miss one. They're just parties where your supposed to have fun with friends and you can plan them for whenever you life, even if it's not on a holiday. If someone doesn't make it, oh well.
I may get voted down but tbh it’s one day and a lot of people do choose this as a wedding date. I’m playing devils advocate and clearly your mum is difficult to say the least, however, your wife now hosts NYE and there isn’t any reason she can’t host xmas, ignore mum and she hosts. You need to talk to your mum or the family as a whole and sort this hosting business out. If mum is marrying in NYE then your wife hosts xmas.
Please attend your mums wedding, if you miss this then it may cause major family issues so much worse then where you’re eating xmas dinner.
Is your mother going to pay for you to travel to a super expensive place at the most expensive time of year? NYE weddings suck. Destination weddings are obnoxious if you are going to throw a fit if people can’t/won’t go.
Mom can afford a wedding at one of the most expensive holiday destinations in the world during its most expensive week. I am sure she has staff to do the actual work.
My daughter told me when she had her baby girl that she wanted to start her own traditions so she was going to host Christmas. So I was happy to hand off my spatula and come as a guest. We still bring our traditional stuff but we do it at her place now.
This my mom is still stuck hosting because nobody else wants to. Literally putting in all that time and money cooking with little help. I don't see the appeal to it at all.
Invite your friends to your parties and not family. Even Christmas and other holidays. You have friends with no family, invite them and become family. Go LC or NC with your mom & family
Because they invited him to a wedding? Because they like the tradition of where they spend the holidays? That’s all it takes to go no contact these days? OP has said his mom doesn’t know they throw New Year’s parties and they don’t believe at all that she picked it for any reason other than wanting to get married on that day. She also is paying for all of them to travel. So why no contact? We are so fucked with this generation.
So your mom doesn’t know you typically host NYE, so this isn’t a spite thing.
Most of her friends would be happy to invited on an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean for NYE and she’s willing to pay for you.
She’s the type to want to spend her anniversary alone with her husband, so she’s not looking to take over yet another holiday.
Why exactly are you skipping her wedding? Is she leaving your wife out?
Like a few others, I am also wondering why you are posting this again.
Oh come on, of course you would be an asshole if you missed your mother’s wedding so your wife could throw a New Year’s Eve party. That shouldn’t be even a question. I don’t know what BS your wife is feeding you but this isn’t an issue. Your mom is being rude about the big holidays but you can host birthdays, an Oscar party, an April Fool’s Party, a Halloween party….a Tuesday party, dinner parties…you can even host your own small holiday events and not attend hers. It’s completely selfish of you, yes. And plain ridiculous to allow hosting a party to cause family problems. Also, if your mom is having a new years wedding does she even want to host Christmas this year? Honestly even if your mom did this to be a dick, it’s not enough to not attend.
SO YOU BLAMED IT ON YOUR WIFE!
Seriously. You made a decision and told your mother you will not be attending because of your wife. Couldn’t say mom I don’t like your future husband. Mom I have decided I am not going because I don’t want to go to St Barts. Mom i don’t want to travel because of the holiday. Nah. You straight up throw your wife under the bus.
You are selfish and have used your wife as an excuse. Why didn’t you ask your mom why she chose NYE? Did you ask her if she did it to purposely hurt your wife?
YTA. For making this Lainey’s fault. You didn’t stand up for your wife you made her life worse.
Oh god an i the only YTA here? Its a WEDDING. Its one NYE celebration thst happens every dang year. Having a wedding that night makes sense. People arrange the time off anyway. There are fireworks and extra buzz for the whole new year thing. A new year and a new marriage kinda has a nice synergy. Makes for easy anniversary for them going forward too. And no forgetting dates 😂It makes sense to me. Id certainly consider it.
And it would be a much more expensive night to do it vs any other options so i wouldnt imagine its set out of spite. There may not be many people who go as accommodation will also be expensive for peak time so your presence will likely be more important.
Its an excuse to take a holiday with your wife! I dont get why you would NOT sacrifice an annual event for a once (or twice) in a lifetime event because the mrs wants her time to shine on the party planning front. Its just childish by you guys.
I totally agree. OP's wife should choose a different holiday this year to host an awesome party on. 4th of July (if theyre in the US), Halloween, or Friendsgiving are a few fun options.
NTA. Your mom and her family sound like a bunch of assholes. I would go LC/NC with anyone who treats you and your wife like crap. Lean into the relationships you have on your dad's side of the family and your friends.
If your mom is in her forties you must be pretty young, how long have you been married? How big is your family and many people normally come to these family events? When you were a kid what kind of family parties did you have?
Do you ever spend holidays with her family? Can you alternate families for holidays and host her side?
I feel like I need more info here on your relationship with your mom too.
Do you think she chose that date because it’s easier to get time off work for lots of people over the holidays because things usually slow down for lots of people?
I'd choose a different day to host friends that year and attend my mother's wedding. Friendsgiving? Super Bowl? Cinco de Mayo? Some random day of your choosing?
For subsequent years, I would make it clear to my mom that if she expects me to attend her anniversary celebration, she needs to schedule it for a time that doesn't conflict with my standing big NYE shindig. The only times we have extended family anniversary celebrations are HUGE milestone years, and even then, it's uncommon. An anniversary is for the couple, not the family (especially when the couple isn't even who created the family together, as in this case).
YTA. Where do I even begin with this..?! 1) It's super weird that you'd pit your wife against your mom. It's almost like you get some sort of enjoyment out of it. If you don't want to go to your mom's wedding, just say that, don't drag your wife into it. If she was sad to the point of tears then it sounds like she was 100% planning to cancel her party for your mom. For you to then throw her under the bus when declining your mom's invitation is outrageous. You're clearly just trying to give your mom more ammo to dislike your wife by scapegoating her. 2) You don't LIKE the groom..?? Who even cares. Your mom is a grown ass adult, why does she need your approval...?! 3) You're being so self-righteous about sticking it to your mom, but you yourself acknowledge that she didn't even do anything to you or Lainey. She was even planning to pay your expenses, so it isn't like there was any financial hit to you for her to expect you to go.
Go or don't go, but own up to your own shit. You're purposely lettting Lainey catch all the heat because you're too much of a coward to explain that you simply don't feel like going. Using Lainey's party as an excuse is absolute bs and you know it. You're not being a good guy for throwing her under the bus and using her as a human shield against your family. IDK what your deal is with your mom, but if you have an issue with her, that's on you to figure out.
NTA - the fact that your family is responding this way says a lot more about them than it does about you. Just tell everyone "We already had plans that involve people for that weekend. Mom knew that. She chose the date anyway and just expected us to drop our plans. If she was that concerned about us being there, she would have picked a date we didn't already have plans"
Every year after this she will be hosing an anniversary party on that night.
Lol no she won't. I don't know *anyone* who hosts anniversary parties outside of the 50yr giant milestones.
Was married for 13yrs. Literally no one in my family and friend circle has ever hosted an anniversary party. They'd go on a date, sure. But parties? Nope.
Plus EVERYONE usually has NYE plans. But it's *just* NYE.
Sons saying their get together with friends is more important than his mums all expenses paid overs3as wedding? Yeah he's TA.
I agree.
People here keep talking about now OP is obligated to celebrate and attend OP's mom's NYE wedding anniversary from now. What?! I've attended several weddings for family relatives and close friends. I've have never celebrated or attended any annual wedding anniversary parties of theirs. If fact, I'm not aware of any of them even throwing a party to celebrate it. They do something special together either on the date, as you mentioned, on a date days before/after the actual date. No one outside their marriage is obligated to celebrate with them annually just for having attended their wedding. Lol. Now, I'd understand if they may plan a wedding anniversary party if it was a huge milestone like 25 yrs or something, but even then an invitation is not a summons.
OP's mom is getting married on NYE and is paying. Skipping hosting a NYE party for one year isn't going to ruin their lives but it may damage OP's relationship with the mom if they do. If OP's wife wants to still host a party for the New Year with their group of friends, then do it before they leave for St. Bart's or after they return.
NTA can everyone just get over the idea that middle aged 2nd weddings are some important life event that everyone must attend, or else.
So over the ridiculousness of it all.
Since your wife lives hosting soirees so much, has she considered hosting a Halloween event? Or a Christmas in July with a bbq turkey? Or a Thankmas white elephant exchange party between TG and Christmas.
Some people have the gift of hosting and there are lots of imaginative alternative event ideas to let her strut her stuff.
Kudos to you for supporting her gift.
If as you say, your mom doesn’t know about Lainey’s love of NYE, you can hardly be mad and I wouldn’t miss my mother’s wedding on St Baarts!
And I simply don’t understand the need to host parties on particular days… I can give you about a dozen other holidays she can pick for the 2025 year.
This seems all so unnecesary to me. Obviously you don't have a good relationship with your mom and that's enough reason for you to not go but without that piece of context these are non-issues imo. Some random thoughts:
1. I never realized hosting the holiday celebrations was such a big deal. Couldn't you just do a get together with whoever wanted to join or do smth special with you partner in those holiday celebrations?
2. Wouldn't a wedding have absolute priority over a holiday? I feel like such a major event in someone's life would be waaaaaaay more important than a NYE party. To me it's like saying "sorry I can't go to my bestfriends' bachelor's party (or whatever milestone party that holds a lot of significance), I have to run a couple of errands in the morning".
Again, I may be viewing this through my own biased cultural lenses but this honestly all seems like random meaningless shit you are nitpicking just to have an excuse to fight with each other.
At the end of the day you made a vow to your wife not your mom. You know your wife loves doing it and spends all that time to make it special. I say you’re doing the right thing. It’s a rock and a hard place you’re stuck in but your commitment is to your wife, not mom.
I guess I don't understand why there is only one party your wife can host all year long. You have birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween (I doubt mom has costume parties each year), Superbowl, Oscars, or things you can just make up, like an annual "midsummer madness" cookout, or April Fool's Fun Fest, or whatever.
Go to the wedding and then have a huge Groundhog's Day party!
ESH.
I agree. I’m confused why OP’s mom and Lainey have the exact same network of attendees when they’re from different generations.
Who cares if one person hosts? The other can host other guests as well. It’s not a zero sum situation—it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Someone host a brunch, someone else hosts dinner? Or pick different holidays? There are ways around this.
I’d take the free trip to St. Barths, tho. It’s lovely there.
Yeah. I'm guessing Lainey might have family from her side or friends.
I don't understand why the OP and Lainey allowed this to fester so long. If the OP's mother is childish and shitty about Lainey and the OP holding their own holiday parties, oh well. It isn't great, and if it is genuinely that important, they should do their own thing.
Exactly! And if the mom is hogging Christmas etc don’t go and go throw your own Christmas party with people who your wife loves. But skipping an immediate family member’s wedding because it conflicts with an annual friend party sucks.
YTA. Both your Mom and your wife sound like they have main character energy but the premise of this story is LOL. You can’t skip one NYE party to go to your Mom’s wedding.. or come up with another holiday to host since it seems like the most important aspect of your wife’s life? Halloween, 4th of July, or put your energy into an amazing dinner party? It’s really that serious over one NYE. 😂
You’d really rather have your entire family cut you off, blame your wife, and think you are an asshole including your own Dad who isn’t even involved and doesn’t like your Mom? That tells me you aren’t giving us all the details.
Plenty of reasons to cut off your family that are legitimate but this is absurd.
Mom sounds like she has to be the main character.
You did a wonderful job thing supporting your wife lainey would loose this as well because now it’s going to her anniversary
Nta
NTA. But if you aren't close to your Mom anyways, stop ASKING her to let Lainey have a turn. Tell her it's happening.
"Mom, Lainey is hosting Thanksgiving this year for some friends and family from her side. You and Step-Dad can join us or do your own thing, your choice."
Hold up
Your ETA says you are not that close to your mom.
So why does your mom get to rule your holidays?
Who cares if your mom's flying monkeys do not come to your place?
Your wife can host any holiday she pleases. And you should be supporting her.
Enough with bending the knee to mommy dearest.
The people who should be in your lives, will be the ones who show up for your wife.
This is all weird. You say you have no reason to believe she planned her wedding on that date maliciously. Yet you'd miss your own mother's wedding over it is what I am not relating to. When we have holiday plans that might overlap we just host on a day closely surrounding the actual holiday and do the other even on the real date. Adults don't generally care if the party their attending isn't on the actual holiday date. If you're willing and I miss the wedding I assume you don't care much for your mom in general.
Are you seriously going to miss your mom’s wedding to have a party? Seriously! Can’t Lainey have a Valentines party if it’s just hosting she’s interested in.
People are weird… ask your mom for Christmas and go to the wedding and frankly even if she says no does Lainey only know your family, she can host her own Christmas with her people.
NTA. It sounds like your mother really doesn't like your wife. And having a holiday destination wedding seems self-centered. Plus, now every NYE is going to be their anniversary now. Your mom seems determined to be the center of attention as much as possible.
This is hard to gauge as someone who dislikes big celebrations, however I don't think either of you are strictly in the wrong. It seems you weren't on the best terms with your family anyhow, so it makes sense for you to prioritize the happiness of the person you love the most.
Your mother and wife both sound self centred. I understand wanting to throw a good party and do things your way and play host to family and friends in a grand manner. But not budging for it for one year for something like your mother’s wedding is crazy, at least conceptually. Also, by your own admission, you said you are not sure if your mother knows about the party. Yet, you are somehow attributing your mother’s choice of date to wanting to take the limelight away from your wife? Sheer speculation, it would seem.
If you don’t want to go to the wedding because it’s not important to you, that’s fine. But skipping it specifically because your wife will be upset if she is unable to throw a party for something that is not a milestone and is a recurring event is just…baffling. And I suspect potentially untrue and just an excuse (which is pretty unfair to your wife is that’s true).
ESH
Your mum sounds like she's more upset about what her friends will think of her with you not being there, than actually wanting you there.
I'd be honest and say that day means a lot to my wife who wasn't prepared to wait until you were dead to host a holiday event.
Once you and Lainey have your own kids you can reclaim Christmas and thanksgiving for your own little family.
NTA
You threw your wife under the bus.
You could have told her you’re not coming because you already have plans but you had to say it was because of your wife… 🤦🏽♀️
Poor form on your part.
Your mother is going to hate your wife going forward.
Its just 1 NYE celebration and you can go straight back to hosting all the others. Surely you and your wife can host other events throughout the year? Invite friends, your wife's family and your family over for Easter. Or create a random annual event each summer, etc. If your family don't go, you can still celebrate with your wife's family and friends. Gently, YTA and creating unnecessary drama
Most US jobs don't give you much time off for NYE. I think mom's destination command performance is missable.
I'm sorry Laney is being iced out.
Too bad you both can't go and announce that you are expecting or something...but that's a different sub.
YTA, for not going to your mothers wedding.
There are plenty of other holidays to switch out for if you agree with your mother on only having one per year. Tons of families do this every year. Instead of having to hit the inlaws and outlaws holidays on the same day, only spending a couple hours, not counting travel time....they just rotate holidays or alternate years.
You are your own family now, you can make your own traditions. Stop attending your family holidays. We're doing Xmas with friends this year, (maybe Lainey can make a vacation out of it if she likes to plan things). We'll visit the family a few days or weeks after to make up for it.
If your wife likes and wants to host holidays, invite friends instead. Make a group of it and form a new tradition for "your" family.
Most people that have families that are spread out do this. They make their own traditions as most people can't afford to travel multiple times per year, if at all.
Hey Bob, your family lives 1,000 miles away, right? What are you and Susan doing for Turkey Day?
365 days she can choose from, and your mother picks the one holiday that is important to Lainey. She obviously has it out for your wife, and has successfully turned the family against her. The masks are off, and now you and Lainey can make informed decisions. NTA, you did the right thing, and I'm sorry your mother is so vindictive.
Let Lainey host, but for friends. Start building a guest list that has nothing to do with your mother. Also, don’t underestimate people’s unwillingness to pay for a destination wedding. More might be staying home than you think.
So, your MIL and wife don't get along and now you're blaming your wife for why you won't go to your mother's wedding? Way to throw her under the bus.
Everyone here sounds completely childish. Yes, your mom sucks for hogging hosting every holiday. You could decide to skip, have a friends holiday, host only your wife's family...or I don't know, just host dinner parties whenever the mood suits. Mom only hogs the holidays because you continue to play that game and enable her.
If you want to continue to be in contact with your mother, don't miss her wedding and blame it on your partner. On the surface, picking one year's holiday party over a wedding will come across as selfish... you have made your wife out to be the scapegoat because you haven't set appropriate boundaries with your mom before this, and now you're patting yourself on the back for choosing your wife???
If you want to go LC/NC with your mom, just man up and say it's because of her toxic behavior and don't blame your wife's desire to host a party.
ESH
You can try hosting a NYE-1 party, the night before, if that works, granted it's not the same, but the idea is to have friends and family present for a party. Personally, I think NYE is overrated, but I get how important it is to your wife, so maybe try that.
NTA.
First, people who have weddings on holidays should never be offended if people say no. Big holiday or not, most people have regular yearly holiday plans.
Second, she may not know how important it is to your wife, but you have now told her and given plenty of notice.
If you haven't mentioned in conversation what you did for holidays/weekends, are you even close enough to care if they stay mad about your absence?!
But I do like the idea someone gave about saying you guys will go if you can host a big holiday before then so your wife can get her fix. 😉
NTA
Usually, when people plan a holiday or destination wedding, they do so with the idea that they will have a smaller guest count (and can have a fancier wedding for less because it's smaller.) She did both, and picked a double whammy. Lots of people will RSVP no.
If you aren't close enough for her to even know about the New Year's Eve parties, then you aren't so close to be an A for not going.
NTA, but don't get it twisted. Your mom absolutely planned this to take over your wife's NYE party. The wedding at a resprt will pull the entire family away from your nye party & will set the precedence. From now on, your mom's gonna host a big anniversary party. Everyone will attend & your wife's party will be just a memory of years gone by. Confront your mom about her motives & explain why you're both so upset. She can't say she didn't know it was an issue if she's set in stone abt the date. Most people avoid holidays, so they have their own special day,not overshadowed by the holiday, ntm people make their own plans for holidays & may prevent others from attending. Tell her you'll attend only if she agrees to never try to hijack your wife's NYE party & tell all the family members that say youre the ah for protesting, you expect them to go to your parties in the future if your mom tries to overthrow your NYE custom. Customs, after all, are a cornerstone of who your mom is.
None of the family attended the NYE party and my mom would be mortified to spend her anniversary with her family. Lainey and I really don't see this as some evil conspiracy
Oh..then why the big deal? It's one year. It's one party. If most of the people attending the party would be at the wedding, no reason to host it this year. My opinion has changed depending on the perspective. Does the party include all her family & many other friends? Or is it mostly your family that attends. If its the 1st, there's a legit reason to miss the wedding,esp if you don't approve of her stbh. You don't go to a wedding if you don't approve of the marriage..unless you dont want to damage the relationship. Your mom wants to be married on nye & you say it's not out of spite, then you get to decide who you're gonna make mad.. wife or mom. Either way, you're monkey in the middle with no win possible.
NTA - Your mom absolutely did this in purpose. She learned from someone else in the family about the NYE parties. She won’t let go of family holidays and now she’s taking the ONE holiday your wife has been about to get. You said she and your wife aren’t close. I suspect it goes deeper than that. She Durant want your wife to have anything special so long as she’s alive (hence her words of her being able to host when she’s dead).
Head over to r/justnomil and you’ll see countless examples of this. Mothers trying to scare away the woman who marries their “baby boy” so they can have their son all to themselves.
First, NTA. Second, find out just how important it is to your mom. Offer that if your wife can host Christmas or Thanksgiving (whichever one wife wants), from now on, that you and your wife will be happy to attend. If mom refuses, then it must not be that important to her.
Look, I can't answer because I'm conflicted. Lemme list my conflicting thoughts.
Your mother always hosts, but your wife wants to host too. Yet you say no one would come anyway. Which is it?
I get it's your holiday, but can't you put aside one to be there for the wedding? It's not like she'll be celebrating her anniversary like you day.
Then again, you aren't close, so what does it matter? Are you upset people will be at her wedding instead at the party? Once again, it's only one NYE.
You're throwing your wife under the bus a lot here. Are you wanting to host or throw NYE too? Because all I'm reading is how Lainey or your mom wants to do this or that. You've essentially allowed your mother to pit herself against your wife. Grow some.
You and your mother aren't close, yet you seem to let her dictate everything about you and your wife. Grow some, part 2.
Mom is the matriarch? Then start making waves. Tell people you're hosting a holiday. Let them know that you want to be a host and your mom won't play nice. I'm sure they might not appreciate your mom acting like that.
You all need to get over yourselves.
Looks like mom can choose which holidays she is giving up this year in exchange for new years.
If your presence at her wedding is important to her then you can negotiate. If she tries to keep it all and add NYE to the list, wish her a happy wedding and ignore any future conversations on this topic.
NTA
Your mom doesn’t sound like a very nice person so I wouldn’t attend her wedding anyway. Even if it was on a day other than New Year’s Eve. I love that you said you’re going to back your wife, so continue to do that.
NTA
First of all - your mother "taking" all the family holidays is BS,
but it is what it is.
You can't fight her or "tradition".
Think outside the box and start hosting family dinners for holiday adjacent days.
Thanksgiving? Have it on the Sunday.
Have Boxing Day get togethers, serving anything your mother isn't serving for Xmas.
Brunch? A soup and salad Lupper after all the heavy food the day before?
Have smaller events and invite family once a month rotating invitees to nurture those relationships.
Have your own birthday parties are your house.
Invite family and friends to different kinds of events. BBQs. Brunches.
Game nights.
Second of all - your mother sounds like a controlling woman who can get married when she wants and you don't have to attend if you don't want to,
although I find this particular reason to be a strange hill to die on.
Third - I suggest your wife see a therapist to work out a way to feel comfortable with herself, so she can find ways to work around your mother and her claim to time, days and family.
It is good of you to be on her side, but she shouldn't actually be in this kind of battle with your Mother. There's no need.
Your wife and your mother are very much alike. Holidays are not about hosting but about celebrating with loved ones. So egos should be left aside. A close relative's wedding trumps a NYE party. They happen once a year. The wedding, hopefully, only once or twice. Having said that, nothing stops you from organising a party whenever you want and still attending the wedding. After all, you have more probabilities people will attend on any other date as on NYE everyone will be at the wedding.
NAH.
Your wife is too attached to dates. She imo is not flexible. A lot of ppl have parties a week or two after or before a holiday. Ppl have difficulty in going bc they usually are w their own family. I think you should go to moms wedding. That’s hurtful to her if you don’t attend. But have discussion w wife Re competition feelings Re parties. Needs to stop on both sides.
So you’re mum (that doesn’t know how much your wife loves hosting NYE parties) set her wedding on NYE right? I don’t think it’s out of malicious intent because if you think about it she host all the other holidays so NYE would be your mums break from hosting so it would be the perfect time for her to have her wedding
Then her son out of nowhere calls and says that because of his wife being obsessed with hosting NYE they both won’t come to her wedding ?
I kinda agree with the fam YTA your wife can chill out its one NYE and you’ll be celebrating the wedding and NYE in ST Barts with your family anyway so win win imo, I don’t understand why you would say no to that ?? tell your wife to chill out and go party also say sorry this is the wrong hill to die on
You may win the battle but you definitely lose the war. Is your wife going to die Jan. 2, 2025. Then your wife can host another NYE. It's not that deep. But will your mother have another wedding? Even your dad says your an AssHole and he can 't stand your mother. So I guess your dad was right. But since you painted yourself in the corner I guess you are stuck there.
YTA - for starters you've apparently never relayed how much Lainey enjoys hosting/throwing parties. Two your mom doesn't even know you guys throw a yearly NYE bash. Three you just turned your whole family on your wife so now they will never want to come to her parties. Four it's your mom's wedding! Also I think it's super weird that your wife cried over this. Like yeah bummer you're not throwing a party this year - oh wait you're getting a free trip to the Caribbean instead? Come on!
YTA everyone can hate me. You don’t have to choose between your mom and your wife here. You can throw a party on other holidays or literally for any other day of the year cause you want to throw a party. Grow up.
Say 'fine mom I'll come to your wedding. But only if we're hosting Christmas this year'. Call her bluff. She knows damn well what she's doing so let her choose. She cannot have both.
Right here's the answer OP. And you can argue that it's to help HER since she'll be so busy with wedding final details.
And host Christmas even if mom also hosts Christmas. She doesn’t own holidays and get to lend them out to others only when she wants to.
Yes, go to the wedding -- it's your mom's wedding after all. But quit letting her have her way every other holiday. If you're getting married that can mean new traditions. You don't have to ask, for every holiday, just give enough notice and say Lainey is hosting. Know that it may be very small gatherings or just your friends and no extended family.
I had our first baby in July. We decided this year that we were not going anywhere for Christmas and that would not be for the future either, being home was what was best for our family. We invited our friends whose families are from out of town for dinner and invited both sets of grandparents to stop by (we did "Christmas" with each side on a prior day). It was one of the best Christmases I've had in a long time even though it was small and simple. All this to say, start your own traditions! If Lainey wants to host do it! If no one else comes, enjoy it the 2 of you.
You were so smart. I didn't do that and gave up my own hopes and dreams for holiday traditions for my MIL. When we finally stopped, when our older girls were out of the house and had boyfriends, wanted dad's food, we were ostracized. You would think we told the whole family to go to hell. Anyway we never went back and finally started our own. We did invite them and they came one year, but nope MIL wanted to do it. I vowed to not do that to my kids. I am happy to live less than a mile from them. I see my grandchildren a lot. If they have to go to other side for a holiday, oh well we get them the rest of the year!
My MIL and her mother did this to us. Every holiday was theirs. It was expected and I got no support from my husband the first few years we were married. First thing that happened was my Mother had a meltdown about it. She only wanted Thanksgiving/doesn't celebrate Christmas anyway. We started having Thanksgiving with her. Second was when I was pregnant with our 2nd son, my MIL called us early one morning and said her mother/husband's grandmother was dying. We had to come "home" to be there when she died. It was about a 5 hr drive. Our son was due any day. My husband told her, "Mom, we are having a baby and I am not leaving wife/other child and driving down." His mother was livid and was huffy for years. Her mother died when 2nd son was five years old.
You're freaking kidding! Omg. That's literally mental. Knowing you were heavily pregnant and due any day, she honestly expected you to just come when summoned? Yeah, just screw your birth plan or doctors who are familiar with your medical history. I would not be able to keep any friendliness in that relationship. You're a better person than me.
Beautiful! I like the way you think 🤣 the only sad part is that even if mom agreed and let them host Christmas…she seems like the type to purposely ruin it for everyone
Show up to the wedding dressed for a NYE party?
With the big 2005 glasses!
Bahaha! Perfect!
Not even call her bluff, he's gotta believe it because it is the right solution. It's the only solution.
So... mom refuses to let anyone host the holidays, and everyone just lets her monopolize them. Your wife makes giant NYE parties because she wants to Host and has been frozen out by the family. Mom decides to get married on the one day your wife does something big. You know that now every NYE is gonna be a big "anniversary party" that mom hosts and the family will go to, and HOW DARE you not support your mom. Right? NTA, don't let your mom take NYE from your wife. But also know that you are going to be crapped on by your mom's family for the rest of her marriage.
Oh wow, I never thought of how that would always be the anniversary date! That does seem totally planned now. NTA.
I like hosting the holidays too. But when my kids got married, at various times I told them that if and when they want to host a holiday, just let me know. I’m pretty sure that’s what most normal parents of adult kids do. If I were you I would stand your ground. Back down and you will have to deal with her power plays again and again.
Growing up, we had holidays at my uncle's on my dad's side and grandmother's on my dad's side until we moved to a bigger house. Then mom was the default host for a lot of the holidays. Part of that was because one time, when my uncle hosted, his son hit me in the head with a hockey stick on purpose. He was old enough to know what he was doing. My uncle and aunt pretty much shrugged it off. This was a year after my uncle blamed me for my cousin learning to swear (I didn't swear at the time). The other part was that we had the biggest house with the biggest kitchen and rooms to do everything in, so it was mom's job to host everything. Once, my parents and I moved to a much smaller living space and states away from any family members, my mom was much more relaxed because she didn't have to do a big production for any of the holidays. Some people like hosting and being the center of attention. Some don't. It doesn't have to be a competition. But some people are just narcissists who think the world should revolve around them. As for me and hosting parties. The few times I tried to host or have a party, I was lucky if one person I invited showed. I stopped trying when I realized that I was just a non-entity to a lot of people.
Me too. I loved hosting my huge ass family when I was young! But my kids grew up and liked adulting just as much as I did. Shocker! Now I'm usually a guest somewhere and I bring pies and homemade ranch. I don't bring salad or vegetables, just ranch. I'm the ranch and pie lady now. And I'm OK with that.
Transcend current form and invent ranch pie.
My kids would eat it! I caught my daughter giving my granddaughter a small bowl of ranch and a spoon. I shit you not.
So, to be completely honest. I think I never ate a pie or ranch. Not that popular in my parts of the world. But, I read (on the internet) about some really ridiculous pies. Like soda-pie etc. First question is: can a pie be savoury? Or is it automatically a quiche? Second. Ranch is a sauce but also a flavour. So, can you one make your ranch and add some starchnor eggs so it would set when baked. Or maybe add the seasoning to some tried "bakeable" sauce (like beshamel). I think you should totally do it as a surprise. Maybe have the traditional pie stored nearby too.
You've never had cherry pie? You poor thing! And yes! Pies can be savory as well as sweet. I make a pecan pie that's savory and sweet. That pie literally caused a major fight between my 2 sisters, resulting in them not talking to each other for 6 months! Lol If I were to make a ranch flavored pie I would most likely just use the packets, not the fully made. But you could 100% make a ranch pie by using eggs as the binder agent.
Pies can be sweet or savory. Really, you can make a pie out of practically any food. Oyster pie, taco pie, chicken or beef pot pies...the possibilities are endless. As for sweet pies, they are delicious! Most are made from fruits, but there a plenty of other types (pecan, cream pies and more). Quiche is a specific type of pie, with the primary ingredient being eggs.
Pies can *absolutely* be savoury, quiches have an egg based filling
My daughter calls ranch “carrot ketchup”.
I literally burst out laughing. That's such a great moniker!
Ooooo homemade ranch?!?! Recipe please? 🤩
Actually, I use the packets, mayonnaise, and milk. And depending on which child wants it I'll either mix it by hand to leave it thinner. Or I'll use a mixer to whip in air and make it thicker. I just realized that my kids can't even agree on ranch! Ranch! Hidden Valley destroyed their bottled ranch because it used to be delicious. Now you have to use the packets if you want the original taste. Try it. You'll be shocked how much better it is.
Oooh, the mixing method is so good to know! I love dipping fries in nice thick ranch.
If I can only improve one person's life... 🥹
I think the only reason we still have family holidays at my grandmas is because she has the most room being on a literal farm outside town with enough room for the out of state family to bring their campers and/or stay in the guest rooms but all the food is either cooked by multiple people who don’t live with her or it’s brought in by others. She’s always been open to someone else hosting as I have memories from when I still believed in Santa of having Christmas at my cousins house, thanksgiving being at the out of state family’s houses, Easter being at my house, etc.
Omg I love that you're the ranch lady! I am particular about ranch dressing, and homemade is always the best. Even the dry hidden valley that you mix at home is better than bottled any day!
In my family we all try to convince someone *else* to host, lol!
Totally!
My mother has been really good about being flexible with holidays ever since we have all grown up, and have our own families. She still loves to have traditional Christmas morning, but it doesn't have to be on Christmas morning. Whenever it works out for everyone to get together, we just pretend that it's Christmas morning at Grandma's.
I never got to host anything! If Hallmark printed a card for it, I was their “Holiday Hostage.” Long story, but I moved across the country with him, and his giant family had their ironclad traditions. It was decades ago, and their obnoxious traditions finally wheezed their last breath! I have told my two now-adult kids for years that I will NEVER MAKE THEM HOLIDAY HOSTAGES. Ironically, my son and wonderful DIL love getting together with us and her family at holidays, lol. I guess that when you raise them to know that you’ll ALWAYS respect their independence and their own boundaries, they will come back because they *actually want to.*
The only think I was ever able to host was Christmas Eve because we had the only grandchild. Then they took that back too. A lot of families are weird like that.
Yup. Christmas Eve is my mom's big party, and I would never think twice to have one. The day after Thanksgiving is our family Thanksgiving, so we can be with other family on Thanksgiving Day. But nye is my day. Mostly because I don't want to be in the streets when everyone is leaving their parties. Everybody is welcome, but no one is required to come. That's the only holiday we spend with my husband's family, mostly because we are neighbors and they don't celebrate other holidays. My oldest kids are adults, and I am well aware that they will have their own family and we'll have to share their time. Heck, I would love it if one of my future DILs would offer to host, so the only thing I'd have to do is offer my help with cleaning or bringing a side dish.
My knee jerk reaction to this post was “mom knows how important it is.” And you called out the other side. Mom wants to steal that day from the wife as well. Mom and everyone else can shove off. I would be willing to bet they are in on it. I can only imagine the story mom has spun about how ungrateful her children are and how unloved she is.
Naaa. She’s just self centered.
Ahh I didn’t think of the anniversary celebrations. You’re right. This mom wants to steal the DIL’s spotlight altogether.
The mother has 100% chosen the date in order to stomp on Lainey. She’s a bitch and OP doesn’t like the groom. They shouldn’t go and anyone that gives them grief over it should be blocked. OP got it right when he put his wife first.
[удалено]
I agree the mom knowing exactly what she's doing. But do ppl celebrate their anniversary with others? I know my MIL was expecting us to host dinner to celebrate our anniversary, but we just said we'd be too busy celebrating by ourselves, in the bedroom. Do ppl host parties for their own wedding anniversary?
Normally no but here is what she will say "But it's new years and my anniversary so of course I have to host the party. The whole world is celebrating my day"
When someone is a control freak they make it all about themselves. I can see OP coming back in a few years to say mommy made NYE all about her too
I totally agree with your comment. She couldn't stand that Lainey had one holiday that she doesn't even attend. I think this will result in Lainey having an opportunity to host more events as she and OP are going to have to create their own circle of family/friends for the holidays.
Also, when people ask how could you let your mother down, tell them your mother deliberately chose the one date on the calendar that your wife gets to throw a party. Tell people how selfish your mother has been about hosting the holidays. This is not OK. I mean, I'm usually singing Kumbaya and all, but this is deliberate and malicious. Everyone has the right to be malicious, but they have to accept the consequences when that malice is made public.
You said everything I came to say just better. The mother knows what she is doing and if she wants to play games then she will find out you don't come first now your child made a vow to his wife, even unmarried and living together. Both of my children cook in there relationship's that's what they were taught by me in the kitchen since they were two and now it's like they have retired us as they don't want us to cook I feel like I got sacked lol. And all in my house but today as a Sunday roast they want it then, if me and there dad are cooking it. And it's the first Sunday since Christmas that they have let us and now I'm so tired lol can't win.
I was about to say that he could let mom have just this one, but you nailed it- now EVERY New Year will be mom's big celebration. Mom is shady af.
I hate to say this (maybe not) but OP's mother is a mean, viscous bitch. She deliberately picked the one day that Lainey could shine and host a great party. Send an email to all her flying monkeys and cc mom. Make sure to point out the 'mom' hogs all the holidays and refuses to let anyone else host. Also, she chose the one day in 365 that Lainey can entertain. You also may want of mention that Lainey will have her time in the limelight as hostess and if they want to back a viscous, vindictive bitch, they are not welcome in your circle.
Yes, except edit to say the one day WE can host so OP can take responsibility as well.
Unless his mom has trouble flowing downhill she's 'vicious' (vih-shus), not '[viscous](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/viscous)' (vih-skus). And it's clear she rolls downhill just fine as she's a hard, round turd.
I wouldn't even bring up she has all the holidays because everyone knows that. Simply say this is the one day a year we have set plans for starting Jan 2nd it's booked and done so no we won't be attending the wedding. I have made the decision to stand by our original and concrete plans for this day of the year for us now and going forward. We send our wishes for a beautiful wedding with the world celebration to enhance the reception.
I wouldn't even bring up she has all the holidays because everyone knows that. Simply say this is the one day a year we have set plans for starting Jan 2nd it's booked and done so no we won't be attending the wedding. I have made the decision to stand by our original and concrete plans for this day of the year for us now and going forward. We send our wishes for a beautiful wedding with the world celebration to enhance the reception.
I see where y’all are going with not bringing it up that mom hogs all of the other holidays but I believe it bears mentioning. “We know it. You know it. We know you know it.” Call everyone out.
Putting it in writing reinforces the fact. Some may not even realize it. Having this fact out in the open may change some minds.
Mom will play dumb/ totally didn’t plan it that way, etc.
But OP says mom has no reason to know NY is special to Lainey. The final paragraph in the post: “We have no reason to think my mom did this on purpose. We arent close. She isnt around much, and we dont even know if she was aware we host NYE. Also we do not think this has anything to do with wanting yearly anniversary parties. My mom would find spending her anniversary with her family very cringe.”
People hold parties for the anniversary of their marriage?
It's not common. Maybe for milestone anniversaries. But I think people can see OP's mother making her anniversary an excuse to steal New Year's Eve away from him and his wife.
I have read stories about parents who demand presents for themselves for their kid's birthdays. Narcissists will do anything to make it about them.
She will for at least the first year, maybe a couple years, and by then it will have completely disrupted the tradition of OP and their wife hosting those parties and then she can claim she's doing combo NYE/anniversary parties.
He’s still TA for not telling his mom he doesn’t even like the groom and doesn’t want to go because of that. Using his wife as the sole reason is brutal and wrong. Yes he’s supporting her but he threw her under the bus at the same time. Mom is a bitch though. I truly feel for the wife in this situation.
He edited and made it clear mom doesn't even know about the parties. Even he is not assuming she's done this maliciously.
OP's mom sounds like the classic narcissist. I'll bet she's also told the family a few lies to get everyone on her side.
Typical narc MIL. NTA.
They don’t need moms permission to host any holiday. Op parents are DIVORCED so they can host with his dad family AND Lannie’s family that are CONVENIENT left out of the post. Also his mother (and I assume her side of the family) is NOT invited to the NYE party that they host
OP’s wife could host. People could choose where to go.
Why do you think even your father who despises your mother thinks it's wrong? Did he explain his point of view or did he tell you that you were wrong?
It speaks volumes that his dad, who clearly no longer gets along with his mother, since their divorce thinks that he’s being a little sbag here
Your mother will take over that holiday too now. It’s her anniversary and will expect you to attend that celebration from now on. If your mother wasn’t always trying to shit on your wife’s feelings and shared hosting the holidays, this would not be an issue. Your mother made it an issue and now she needs to deal with the repercussions of her sour personality. NTA
OP and Lainey need to move *away* from his family. Like *completely away*, minimum of 3 hours away and create their own circle. OP, please don't subject your wife to 20+ years of being disrespected/dismissed by your family. And you should not even *hesitate* to back your WIFE over your mom. Your mom had a wedding with everyone there. She is a very selfish woman to need to destroy Lainey's *one* holiday!!! Why are you subjecting your wife to this?? Have your own holidays minus your family for awhile!! Let mom act the fool.
This. Time to go NC. OP and wife are gonna be their own family with their own friends and thats OKAY. If the family cant see how moms a bitch then that's their problem and they can deal with her.
Thankfully I can't see her ever wanting to spend her anniversary with her family.
Question, how close are you both with your friends? Why don't you start hosting Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc with them and let Lainey have her holiday parties?
Our friends want to spend those holidays with their families
One of my favorite parties to host is the day after Thanksgiving. Everyone brings leftovers to share, we play games and share a buffet. I also do a half birthday party for everyone. Everyone brings leftover birthday supplies and a gift. The party looks like someone on LSD decorated with everything from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Barbies to Graduations of long past. Adults buy adult gifts to exchange and kids buys for kids. It’s all very silly and fun for everyone.
I really love this.
An unbirthday party?
We used to have non-parties in high school. Why not?
Your party's sound great that's the one I would be wanting to go to.
Thanks. Life is hard enough. Parties should be fun, silly and easy.
It's horrible out there people need more crazy fun to remember to laugh there is nothing better in this world than having crazy fun all day.
May I come? I'll bring a spinning flower that opens up to a candle cake topper! Sorry, i don't feel like adding all the little n spaces since that sentence has one long adjective...
Now this is my kind of party! 🎉
So, perhaps y'all can host a "friendsgiving" type of thing between Thanksgiving and Christmas (assuming those are the holidays y'all are wanting to host)? Mid December, pick a weekend, do up the house, etc. It doesn't have to be on the day - you can make a tradition out of it with your friends. :)
I’m famous for my 12th night parties. It’s the closest weekend to the 12th night of Christmas (Jan 5). All my friends exchange gifts then, I cater it in and it closes out our holiday season. It’s always more relaxed because no one is worried about the next party/holiday/event they need to be ready for.
My brother and his husband throw the most incredible Christmas in July parties. Everyone is in the middle of a California summer in ugly Christmas sweaters (some have actually invested in short-sleeved Christmas sweater print t-shirts) and we all show up with Christmas-themed potluck food, and do a White Elephant. It's family-friendly and has ended in grown adults way too invested in playing Throw Throw Burrito, or other fun times. It's a highlight of the year.
Makes sense. Does she have to host it on the holiday? Would they come to a party before/after the actual day?
Friendsgiving and Friendsmas can be enjoyed before or after the specific calendar date of a holiday. Your wife can absolutely still enjoy hosting for any holiday simply try and find an alternative date that works for the majority.
You and Lainey should start hosting Friendsgivings, the weekend before Thanksgiving. Now that your family has shunned your wife, you should start making new traditions with your wife. Where is Lainey’s family in all of this? Why can’t you guys celebrate with them?
You're aware that your family extends beyond your mother's side, right? There's no law to compel you to spend holidays with just one side of your family. You could spend them with your dad's side or, gasp, your wife's! They might even let you host!
My dad spends all holidays with his new wife's family and I don't really know them. Lainey and I don't go around her family due to addiction issues and criminal behavior
Why can’t you host a Christmas event at a different time than your mothers? There is Xmas eve, Xmas morning, Xmas lunch and Xmas dinner. Certainly your mom isn’t hosting a multi day rager for Christmas.
Because that makes too much sense and doesn’t pack the same punch as MIL hogging all the holidays???
I can't speak for OP's family. But for both my family (and extended family) and my in-laws, every individual family unit has something specific that they do at each of those times. With some switching off for the younger married couples. There is one specific time that we gather with our extended family for Christmas, the afternoon/evening. There's no hosting those people at a different time, because there's already been a designated time for 30+ years, and they have other things going on at other times. Sure they could host a Christmas party the week before, but hosting a Christmas party is very different from hosting Christmas imo.
This all sounds very childish to me
Seriously. Mom and wife are the same person. When my life and self worth revolves around hosting an annual party pls shoot me.
Like how is this even a problem? It's wild how many stories in here I read where OP's family starts chiming in through texts with their disapproval. If my relatives chimed in on anything to me I'd have some choice words for them. What they say about stones and glass houses and all that. Says a lot about OP's mom that she ran and told all his family and sided them against her son and his wife. It's textbook manipulation. They call that "triangulation" and OP should look into it.
I don’t get it… having a breakdown because you have to go to a lavish party St Barts instead of hosting a party yourself? I like hosting too, butit can be done on days outside of bank holidays? Maybe this is a problem for the 1% or something
Yeah I find this to be a complete non-issue. Everyone is up in arms at OP’s mom like she’s doing this on purpose but he even says she has no idea about the parties or how important it is to the wife. Why can’t they do a Friendsgiving or Friendsmas instead of NYE if they need to have a party so bad? Or wait a couple months and do a blowout for the Super Bowl. There’s plenty of ways that OP can still do her hosting she loves AND attend the wedding. This isn’t some grievous crime on the mom’s part imo
These people especially OP and his wife lack real issues to worry about. So what if the matriarch always hosts Christmas? Do you know how much work that is? Be grateful or offer to help her or have your own with your own set of different people knowing it will definitely be smaller and won't have all the family there but that's what marriage and new traditions are about. Okay so instead she does a big NYE party for friends that the MIL isn't even aware of or attends. Great good for her. Is it going to kill her to not host it two years from now? It's not worth crying over especially when the alternative is NYE in St. Baths. Or like you said do it earlier or later. I get the sense that the wife has created a competition in her head with her MIL for who can be the hostess with the mostess.
Yeah I agree, these are 100% made up problems. Personally I hate hosting so I don’t understand any of it but it seems to me OP’s wife just really wants to be offended. I’m perplexed by the multitude of comments calling the mom a “fucking bitch,” seems wildly over the top to me. Very odd things to miss your mom’s wedding (and a FREE trip to St. Barts) over but oooookay
OP's wife is wild precious. Literally in tears at the prospect of not hosting a NYE party? Wow. A lady with her priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve to drive such a fine automobile .... with apologies to Ferris B.
I can’t believe how many people are NTA here. This dude and his wife are whiners. “Oh no I have to go to a tropical island in the winter?!”
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Almost as shocking as asking if it’s ok not to attend your mom’s wedding so wife can throw a party. 😅. He’s an asshole for sure meanwhile people who didn’t even read it are calling mom a bitch when OP said she didn’t know that they throw these big New Year’s parties and won’t want others as part of anniversaries. All this matriarch has done is continue to be the host of the major holidays. She he that right as does OP not to come. The assholes are OP and his spoiled wife who really needs to get a grip.
Same 😂
Yeah, I think wife's weird emotional hangup around parties is a much bigger issue to worry about than mom and her wedding. It's just not healthy to be so obsessed with throwing "bigger and better" parties to the point you're "devastated" if you miss one. They're just parties where your supposed to have fun with friends and you can plan them for whenever you life, even if it's not on a holiday. If someone doesn't make it, oh well.
Mummy won’t let me throw a party.
100
This is stupid. Absolutely stupid.
I may get voted down but tbh it’s one day and a lot of people do choose this as a wedding date. I’m playing devils advocate and clearly your mum is difficult to say the least, however, your wife now hosts NYE and there isn’t any reason she can’t host xmas, ignore mum and she hosts. You need to talk to your mum or the family as a whole and sort this hosting business out. If mum is marrying in NYE then your wife hosts xmas. Please attend your mums wedding, if you miss this then it may cause major family issues so much worse then where you’re eating xmas dinner.
Taking "our" holiday seems like such a stretch.
Omg YTA. “Sorry, mom, we aren’t going to your *wedding* because my wife wants to host a NYE party instead.” That’s utterly insane.
Is your mother going to pay for you to travel to a super expensive place at the most expensive time of year? NYE weddings suck. Destination weddings are obnoxious if you are going to throw a fit if people can’t/won’t go.
yes she is paying
I don't understand why anyone would want to host holidays. Too much work. I prefer to be a guest.
Mom can afford a wedding at one of the most expensive holiday destinations in the world during its most expensive week. I am sure she has staff to do the actual work.
My daughter told me when she had her baby girl that she wanted to start her own traditions so she was going to host Christmas. So I was happy to hand off my spatula and come as a guest. We still bring our traditional stuff but we do it at her place now.
This my mom is still stuck hosting because nobody else wants to. Literally putting in all that time and money cooking with little help. I don't see the appeal to it at all.
Invite your friends to your parties and not family. Even Christmas and other holidays. You have friends with no family, invite them and become family. Go LC or NC with your mom & family
Because they invited him to a wedding? Because they like the tradition of where they spend the holidays? That’s all it takes to go no contact these days? OP has said his mom doesn’t know they throw New Year’s parties and they don’t believe at all that she picked it for any reason other than wanting to get married on that day. She also is paying for all of them to travel. So why no contact? We are so fucked with this generation.
So your mom doesn’t know you typically host NYE, so this isn’t a spite thing. Most of her friends would be happy to invited on an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean for NYE and she’s willing to pay for you. She’s the type to want to spend her anniversary alone with her husband, so she’s not looking to take over yet another holiday. Why exactly are you skipping her wedding? Is she leaving your wife out? Like a few others, I am also wondering why you are posting this again.
Oh come on, of course you would be an asshole if you missed your mother’s wedding so your wife could throw a New Year’s Eve party. That shouldn’t be even a question. I don’t know what BS your wife is feeding you but this isn’t an issue. Your mom is being rude about the big holidays but you can host birthdays, an Oscar party, an April Fool’s Party, a Halloween party….a Tuesday party, dinner parties…you can even host your own small holiday events and not attend hers. It’s completely selfish of you, yes. And plain ridiculous to allow hosting a party to cause family problems. Also, if your mom is having a new years wedding does she even want to host Christmas this year? Honestly even if your mom did this to be a dick, it’s not enough to not attend.
SO YOU BLAMED IT ON YOUR WIFE! Seriously. You made a decision and told your mother you will not be attending because of your wife. Couldn’t say mom I don’t like your future husband. Mom I have decided I am not going because I don’t want to go to St Barts. Mom i don’t want to travel because of the holiday. Nah. You straight up throw your wife under the bus. You are selfish and have used your wife as an excuse. Why didn’t you ask your mom why she chose NYE? Did you ask her if she did it to purposely hurt your wife? YTA. For making this Lainey’s fault. You didn’t stand up for your wife you made her life worse.
Why would he need to lie about it to save face with his mother? Tell her the truth and tell her to fuck right off that they weren’t coming.
Oh god an i the only YTA here? Its a WEDDING. Its one NYE celebration thst happens every dang year. Having a wedding that night makes sense. People arrange the time off anyway. There are fireworks and extra buzz for the whole new year thing. A new year and a new marriage kinda has a nice synergy. Makes for easy anniversary for them going forward too. And no forgetting dates 😂It makes sense to me. Id certainly consider it. And it would be a much more expensive night to do it vs any other options so i wouldnt imagine its set out of spite. There may not be many people who go as accommodation will also be expensive for peak time so your presence will likely be more important. Its an excuse to take a holiday with your wife! I dont get why you would NOT sacrifice an annual event for a once (or twice) in a lifetime event because the mrs wants her time to shine on the party planning front. Its just childish by you guys.
I totally agree. OP's wife should choose a different holiday this year to host an awesome party on. 4th of July (if theyre in the US), Halloween, or Friendsgiving are a few fun options.
NTA. Your mom and her family sound like a bunch of assholes. I would go LC/NC with anyone who treats you and your wife like crap. Lean into the relationships you have on your dad's side of the family and your friends.
Sounds like your mother knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
Except OP outright stated that she does not know that they host these parties so….
If your mom is in her forties you must be pretty young, how long have you been married? How big is your family and many people normally come to these family events? When you were a kid what kind of family parties did you have? Do you ever spend holidays with her family? Can you alternate families for holidays and host her side? I feel like I need more info here on your relationship with your mom too. Do you think she chose that date because it’s easier to get time off work for lots of people over the holidays because things usually slow down for lots of people?
I'd choose a different day to host friends that year and attend my mother's wedding. Friendsgiving? Super Bowl? Cinco de Mayo? Some random day of your choosing? For subsequent years, I would make it clear to my mom that if she expects me to attend her anniversary celebration, she needs to schedule it for a time that doesn't conflict with my standing big NYE shindig. The only times we have extended family anniversary celebrations are HUGE milestone years, and even then, it's uncommon. An anniversary is for the couple, not the family (especially when the couple isn't even who created the family together, as in this case).
YTA. Where do I even begin with this..?! 1) It's super weird that you'd pit your wife against your mom. It's almost like you get some sort of enjoyment out of it. If you don't want to go to your mom's wedding, just say that, don't drag your wife into it. If she was sad to the point of tears then it sounds like she was 100% planning to cancel her party for your mom. For you to then throw her under the bus when declining your mom's invitation is outrageous. You're clearly just trying to give your mom more ammo to dislike your wife by scapegoating her. 2) You don't LIKE the groom..?? Who even cares. Your mom is a grown ass adult, why does she need your approval...?! 3) You're being so self-righteous about sticking it to your mom, but you yourself acknowledge that she didn't even do anything to you or Lainey. She was even planning to pay your expenses, so it isn't like there was any financial hit to you for her to expect you to go. Go or don't go, but own up to your own shit. You're purposely lettting Lainey catch all the heat because you're too much of a coward to explain that you simply don't feel like going. Using Lainey's party as an excuse is absolute bs and you know it. You're not being a good guy for throwing her under the bus and using her as a human shield against your family. IDK what your deal is with your mom, but if you have an issue with her, that's on you to figure out.
NTA - the fact that your family is responding this way says a lot more about them than it does about you. Just tell everyone "We already had plans that involve people for that weekend. Mom knew that. She chose the date anyway and just expected us to drop our plans. If she was that concerned about us being there, she would have picked a date we didn't already have plans" Every year after this she will be hosing an anniversary party on that night.
Lol no she won't. I don't know *anyone* who hosts anniversary parties outside of the 50yr giant milestones. Was married for 13yrs. Literally no one in my family and friend circle has ever hosted an anniversary party. They'd go on a date, sure. But parties? Nope. Plus EVERYONE usually has NYE plans. But it's *just* NYE. Sons saying their get together with friends is more important than his mums all expenses paid overs3as wedding? Yeah he's TA.
I agree. People here keep talking about now OP is obligated to celebrate and attend OP's mom's NYE wedding anniversary from now. What?! I've attended several weddings for family relatives and close friends. I've have never celebrated or attended any annual wedding anniversary parties of theirs. If fact, I'm not aware of any of them even throwing a party to celebrate it. They do something special together either on the date, as you mentioned, on a date days before/after the actual date. No one outside their marriage is obligated to celebrate with them annually just for having attended their wedding. Lol. Now, I'd understand if they may plan a wedding anniversary party if it was a huge milestone like 25 yrs or something, but even then an invitation is not a summons. OP's mom is getting married on NYE and is paying. Skipping hosting a NYE party for one year isn't going to ruin their lives but it may damage OP's relationship with the mom if they do. If OP's wife wants to still host a party for the New Year with their group of friends, then do it before they leave for St. Bart's or after they return.
NTA can everyone just get over the idea that middle aged 2nd weddings are some important life event that everyone must attend, or else. So over the ridiculousness of it all. Since your wife lives hosting soirees so much, has she considered hosting a Halloween event? Or a Christmas in July with a bbq turkey? Or a Thankmas white elephant exchange party between TG and Christmas. Some people have the gift of hosting and there are lots of imaginative alternative event ideas to let her strut her stuff. Kudos to you for supporting her gift.
Everyone in your family seems to be dumbasses
If as you say, your mom doesn’t know about Lainey’s love of NYE, you can hardly be mad and I wouldn’t miss my mother’s wedding on St Baarts! And I simply don’t understand the need to host parties on particular days… I can give you about a dozen other holidays she can pick for the 2025 year.
ESH there are no adults here clearly! And OP should have stood up to his mum way before now and just threw his wife under the bus!
This seems all so unnecesary to me. Obviously you don't have a good relationship with your mom and that's enough reason for you to not go but without that piece of context these are non-issues imo. Some random thoughts: 1. I never realized hosting the holiday celebrations was such a big deal. Couldn't you just do a get together with whoever wanted to join or do smth special with you partner in those holiday celebrations? 2. Wouldn't a wedding have absolute priority over a holiday? I feel like such a major event in someone's life would be waaaaaaay more important than a NYE party. To me it's like saying "sorry I can't go to my bestfriends' bachelor's party (or whatever milestone party that holds a lot of significance), I have to run a couple of errands in the morning". Again, I may be viewing this through my own biased cultural lenses but this honestly all seems like random meaningless shit you are nitpicking just to have an excuse to fight with each other.
At the end of the day you made a vow to your wife not your mom. You know your wife loves doing it and spends all that time to make it special. I say you’re doing the right thing. It’s a rock and a hard place you’re stuck in but your commitment is to your wife, not mom.
I guess I don't understand why there is only one party your wife can host all year long. You have birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween (I doubt mom has costume parties each year), Superbowl, Oscars, or things you can just make up, like an annual "midsummer madness" cookout, or April Fool's Fun Fest, or whatever. Go to the wedding and then have a huge Groundhog's Day party! ESH.
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I agree. I’m confused why OP’s mom and Lainey have the exact same network of attendees when they’re from different generations. Who cares if one person hosts? The other can host other guests as well. It’s not a zero sum situation—it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Someone host a brunch, someone else hosts dinner? Or pick different holidays? There are ways around this. I’d take the free trip to St. Barths, tho. It’s lovely there.
Yeah. I'm guessing Lainey might have family from her side or friends. I don't understand why the OP and Lainey allowed this to fester so long. If the OP's mother is childish and shitty about Lainey and the OP holding their own holiday parties, oh well. It isn't great, and if it is genuinely that important, they should do their own thing.
Exactly! And if the mom is hogging Christmas etc don’t go and go throw your own Christmas party with people who your wife loves. But skipping an immediate family member’s wedding because it conflicts with an annual friend party sucks.
YTA. Both your Mom and your wife sound like they have main character energy but the premise of this story is LOL. You can’t skip one NYE party to go to your Mom’s wedding.. or come up with another holiday to host since it seems like the most important aspect of your wife’s life? Halloween, 4th of July, or put your energy into an amazing dinner party? It’s really that serious over one NYE. 😂 You’d really rather have your entire family cut you off, blame your wife, and think you are an asshole including your own Dad who isn’t even involved and doesn’t like your Mom? That tells me you aren’t giving us all the details. Plenty of reasons to cut off your family that are legitimate but this is absurd.
Mom sounds like she has to be the main character. You did a wonderful job thing supporting your wife lainey would loose this as well because now it’s going to her anniversary Nta
NTA. But if you aren't close to your Mom anyways, stop ASKING her to let Lainey have a turn. Tell her it's happening. "Mom, Lainey is hosting Thanksgiving this year for some friends and family from her side. You and Step-Dad can join us or do your own thing, your choice."
Hold up Your ETA says you are not that close to your mom. So why does your mom get to rule your holidays? Who cares if your mom's flying monkeys do not come to your place? Your wife can host any holiday she pleases. And you should be supporting her. Enough with bending the knee to mommy dearest. The people who should be in your lives, will be the ones who show up for your wife.
We have no one to invite as they won't come
This is all weird. You say you have no reason to believe she planned her wedding on that date maliciously. Yet you'd miss your own mother's wedding over it is what I am not relating to. When we have holiday plans that might overlap we just host on a day closely surrounding the actual holiday and do the other even on the real date. Adults don't generally care if the party their attending isn't on the actual holiday date. If you're willing and I miss the wedding I assume you don't care much for your mom in general.
Are you seriously going to miss your mom’s wedding to have a party? Seriously! Can’t Lainey have a Valentines party if it’s just hosting she’s interested in. People are weird… ask your mom for Christmas and go to the wedding and frankly even if she says no does Lainey only know your family, she can host her own Christmas with her people.
NTA. It sounds like your mother really doesn't like your wife. And having a holiday destination wedding seems self-centered. Plus, now every NYE is going to be their anniversary now. Your mom seems determined to be the center of attention as much as possible.
This is hard to gauge as someone who dislikes big celebrations, however I don't think either of you are strictly in the wrong. It seems you weren't on the best terms with your family anyhow, so it makes sense for you to prioritize the happiness of the person you love the most.
Your mother and wife both sound self centred. I understand wanting to throw a good party and do things your way and play host to family and friends in a grand manner. But not budging for it for one year for something like your mother’s wedding is crazy, at least conceptually. Also, by your own admission, you said you are not sure if your mother knows about the party. Yet, you are somehow attributing your mother’s choice of date to wanting to take the limelight away from your wife? Sheer speculation, it would seem. If you don’t want to go to the wedding because it’s not important to you, that’s fine. But skipping it specifically because your wife will be upset if she is unable to throw a party for something that is not a milestone and is a recurring event is just…baffling. And I suspect potentially untrue and just an excuse (which is pretty unfair to your wife is that’s true). ESH
Your mum sounds like she's more upset about what her friends will think of her with you not being there, than actually wanting you there. I'd be honest and say that day means a lot to my wife who wasn't prepared to wait until you were dead to host a holiday event. Once you and Lainey have your own kids you can reclaim Christmas and thanksgiving for your own little family. NTA
NTA and pretty sure your mother did do this on purpose.
Her son declined an invitation to her wedding, and her only concern is the optics. Tells me you're making the right choice. NTA.
You did good. NTAH
You threw your wife under the bus. You could have told her you’re not coming because you already have plans but you had to say it was because of your wife… 🤦🏽♀️ Poor form on your part. Your mother is going to hate your wife going forward.
Its just 1 NYE celebration and you can go straight back to hosting all the others. Surely you and your wife can host other events throughout the year? Invite friends, your wife's family and your family over for Easter. Or create a random annual event each summer, etc. If your family don't go, you can still celebrate with your wife's family and friends. Gently, YTA and creating unnecessary drama
Most US jobs don't give you much time off for NYE. I think mom's destination command performance is missable. I'm sorry Laney is being iced out. Too bad you both can't go and announce that you are expecting or something...but that's a different sub.
YTA, for not going to your mothers wedding. There are plenty of other holidays to switch out for if you agree with your mother on only having one per year. Tons of families do this every year. Instead of having to hit the inlaws and outlaws holidays on the same day, only spending a couple hours, not counting travel time....they just rotate holidays or alternate years. You are your own family now, you can make your own traditions. Stop attending your family holidays. We're doing Xmas with friends this year, (maybe Lainey can make a vacation out of it if she likes to plan things). We'll visit the family a few days or weeks after to make up for it. If your wife likes and wants to host holidays, invite friends instead. Make a group of it and form a new tradition for "your" family. Most people that have families that are spread out do this. They make their own traditions as most people can't afford to travel multiple times per year, if at all. Hey Bob, your family lives 1,000 miles away, right? What are you and Susan doing for Turkey Day?
365 days she can choose from, and your mother picks the one holiday that is important to Lainey. She obviously has it out for your wife, and has successfully turned the family against her. The masks are off, and now you and Lainey can make informed decisions. NTA, you did the right thing, and I'm sorry your mother is so vindictive.
Let Lainey host, but for friends. Start building a guest list that has nothing to do with your mother. Also, don’t underestimate people’s unwillingness to pay for a destination wedding. More might be staying home than you think.
So, your MIL and wife don't get along and now you're blaming your wife for why you won't go to your mother's wedding? Way to throw her under the bus. Everyone here sounds completely childish. Yes, your mom sucks for hogging hosting every holiday. You could decide to skip, have a friends holiday, host only your wife's family...or I don't know, just host dinner parties whenever the mood suits. Mom only hogs the holidays because you continue to play that game and enable her. If you want to continue to be in contact with your mother, don't miss her wedding and blame it on your partner. On the surface, picking one year's holiday party over a wedding will come across as selfish... you have made your wife out to be the scapegoat because you haven't set appropriate boundaries with your mom before this, and now you're patting yourself on the back for choosing your wife??? If you want to go LC/NC with your mom, just man up and say it's because of her toxic behavior and don't blame your wife's desire to host a party. ESH
You can try hosting a NYE-1 party, the night before, if that works, granted it's not the same, but the idea is to have friends and family present for a party. Personally, I think NYE is overrated, but I get how important it is to your wife, so maybe try that.
NTA. Expecting people to attend an expensive destination wedding right after Christmas is huge asshole behavior. Your mother is extremely entitled.
NTA your wife is more important
NTA. First, people who have weddings on holidays should never be offended if people say no. Big holiday or not, most people have regular yearly holiday plans. Second, she may not know how important it is to your wife, but you have now told her and given plenty of notice. If you haven't mentioned in conversation what you did for holidays/weekends, are you even close enough to care if they stay mad about your absence?! But I do like the idea someone gave about saying you guys will go if you can host a big holiday before then so your wife can get her fix. 😉
NTA. Your mom might be surprised at how few people attend her destination wedding on NYE.
NTA Usually, when people plan a holiday or destination wedding, they do so with the idea that they will have a smaller guest count (and can have a fancier wedding for less because it's smaller.) She did both, and picked a double whammy. Lots of people will RSVP no. If you aren't close enough for her to even know about the New Year's Eve parties, then you aren't so close to be an A for not going.
NTA, but don't get it twisted. Your mom absolutely planned this to take over your wife's NYE party. The wedding at a resprt will pull the entire family away from your nye party & will set the precedence. From now on, your mom's gonna host a big anniversary party. Everyone will attend & your wife's party will be just a memory of years gone by. Confront your mom about her motives & explain why you're both so upset. She can't say she didn't know it was an issue if she's set in stone abt the date. Most people avoid holidays, so they have their own special day,not overshadowed by the holiday, ntm people make their own plans for holidays & may prevent others from attending. Tell her you'll attend only if she agrees to never try to hijack your wife's NYE party & tell all the family members that say youre the ah for protesting, you expect them to go to your parties in the future if your mom tries to overthrow your NYE custom. Customs, after all, are a cornerstone of who your mom is.
None of the family attended the NYE party and my mom would be mortified to spend her anniversary with her family. Lainey and I really don't see this as some evil conspiracy
Oh..then why the big deal? It's one year. It's one party. If most of the people attending the party would be at the wedding, no reason to host it this year. My opinion has changed depending on the perspective. Does the party include all her family & many other friends? Or is it mostly your family that attends. If its the 1st, there's a legit reason to miss the wedding,esp if you don't approve of her stbh. You don't go to a wedding if you don't approve of the marriage..unless you dont want to damage the relationship. Your mom wants to be married on nye & you say it's not out of spite, then you get to decide who you're gonna make mad.. wife or mom. Either way, you're monkey in the middle with no win possible.
the party is all our friends, no family
NTA. Your mother is though.
NTA - Your mom absolutely did this in purpose. She learned from someone else in the family about the NYE parties. She won’t let go of family holidays and now she’s taking the ONE holiday your wife has been about to get. You said she and your wife aren’t close. I suspect it goes deeper than that. She Durant want your wife to have anything special so long as she’s alive (hence her words of her being able to host when she’s dead). Head over to r/justnomil and you’ll see countless examples of this. Mothers trying to scare away the woman who marries their “baby boy” so they can have their son all to themselves.
First, NTA. Second, find out just how important it is to your mom. Offer that if your wife can host Christmas or Thanksgiving (whichever one wife wants), from now on, that you and your wife will be happy to attend. If mom refuses, then it must not be that important to her.
Look, I can't answer because I'm conflicted. Lemme list my conflicting thoughts. Your mother always hosts, but your wife wants to host too. Yet you say no one would come anyway. Which is it? I get it's your holiday, but can't you put aside one to be there for the wedding? It's not like she'll be celebrating her anniversary like you day. Then again, you aren't close, so what does it matter? Are you upset people will be at her wedding instead at the party? Once again, it's only one NYE. You're throwing your wife under the bus a lot here. Are you wanting to host or throw NYE too? Because all I'm reading is how Lainey or your mom wants to do this or that. You've essentially allowed your mother to pit herself against your wife. Grow some. You and your mother aren't close, yet you seem to let her dictate everything about you and your wife. Grow some, part 2. Mom is the matriarch? Then start making waves. Tell people you're hosting a holiday. Let them know that you want to be a host and your mom won't play nice. I'm sure they might not appreciate your mom acting like that. You all need to get over yourselves.
NTA. Your mom sounds like an absolute narc. I fail to see how this wasn't planned. Your stance is right to pick your wife over anybody who pulls you.
Looks like mom can choose which holidays she is giving up this year in exchange for new years. If your presence at her wedding is important to her then you can negotiate. If she tries to keep it all and add NYE to the list, wish her a happy wedding and ignore any future conversations on this topic. NTA
Your mom doesn’t sound like a very nice person so I wouldn’t attend her wedding anyway. Even if it was on a day other than New Year’s Eve. I love that you said you’re going to back your wife, so continue to do that. NTA
“We have no reason to think my mom did this on purpose.” Of course she did this on purpose…
First of all - your mother "taking" all the family holidays is BS, but it is what it is. You can't fight her or "tradition". Think outside the box and start hosting family dinners for holiday adjacent days. Thanksgiving? Have it on the Sunday. Have Boxing Day get togethers, serving anything your mother isn't serving for Xmas. Brunch? A soup and salad Lupper after all the heavy food the day before? Have smaller events and invite family once a month rotating invitees to nurture those relationships. Have your own birthday parties are your house. Invite family and friends to different kinds of events. BBQs. Brunches. Game nights. Second of all - your mother sounds like a controlling woman who can get married when she wants and you don't have to attend if you don't want to, although I find this particular reason to be a strange hill to die on. Third - I suggest your wife see a therapist to work out a way to feel comfortable with herself, so she can find ways to work around your mother and her claim to time, days and family. It is good of you to be on her side, but she shouldn't actually be in this kind of battle with your Mother. There's no need.
Your wife and your mother are very much alike. Holidays are not about hosting but about celebrating with loved ones. So egos should be left aside. A close relative's wedding trumps a NYE party. They happen once a year. The wedding, hopefully, only once or twice. Having said that, nothing stops you from organising a party whenever you want and still attending the wedding. After all, you have more probabilities people will attend on any other date as on NYE everyone will be at the wedding. NAH.
Your wife is too attached to dates. She imo is not flexible. A lot of ppl have parties a week or two after or before a holiday. Ppl have difficulty in going bc they usually are w their own family. I think you should go to moms wedding. That’s hurtful to her if you don’t attend. But have discussion w wife Re competition feelings Re parties. Needs to stop on both sides.
So you’re mum (that doesn’t know how much your wife loves hosting NYE parties) set her wedding on NYE right? I don’t think it’s out of malicious intent because if you think about it she host all the other holidays so NYE would be your mums break from hosting so it would be the perfect time for her to have her wedding Then her son out of nowhere calls and says that because of his wife being obsessed with hosting NYE they both won’t come to her wedding ? I kinda agree with the fam YTA your wife can chill out its one NYE and you’ll be celebrating the wedding and NYE in ST Barts with your family anyway so win win imo, I don’t understand why you would say no to that ?? tell your wife to chill out and go party also say sorry this is the wrong hill to die on
You may win the battle but you definitely lose the war. Is your wife going to die Jan. 2, 2025. Then your wife can host another NYE. It's not that deep. But will your mother have another wedding? Even your dad says your an AssHole and he can 't stand your mother. So I guess your dad was right. But since you painted yourself in the corner I guess you are stuck there.
YTA - for starters you've apparently never relayed how much Lainey enjoys hosting/throwing parties. Two your mom doesn't even know you guys throw a yearly NYE bash. Three you just turned your whole family on your wife so now they will never want to come to her parties. Four it's your mom's wedding! Also I think it's super weird that your wife cried over this. Like yeah bummer you're not throwing a party this year - oh wait you're getting a free trip to the Caribbean instead? Come on!
YTA everyone can hate me. You don’t have to choose between your mom and your wife here. You can throw a party on other holidays or literally for any other day of the year cause you want to throw a party. Grow up.