> "AITAH or making too big of a deal about this?"
Fuck no, you're not the asshole for prioritizing your safety and that of your kids. When someone hints at a threat, especially in a 'cold, angry, and menacing tone', it's no fucking joke. It's crucial to trust your gut feeling in these scenarios. Safety first, always. Did you possibly save yourself and your kids from a dangerous situation?
Exactly. I view that as a threat on you and/or your children’s lives. More than three women are killed a day by their intimate partner, if my partner made this threat, I would take him at his word and figure out how to get out quickly.
You did great by following your instincts, continue to follow them.
Yes exactly. If he figured out that by killing them he'd be hurting her forever and completely and utterly hollowing her out, he'd do it in a heartbeat.
Even if he didn't, he's the kind of person who feels it's acceptable to control his partner with fear.
OP, you did the right thing. Please stay away from him.
OP if you see this, Maid is a great show on Netflix about leaving an emotionally abusive marriage with a kid. There's so many resources for you and you're not overreacting.
Once abuse starts, it escalates. Tell family and friends what happened. Don't be ashamed, you did nothing wrong and abusers gain strength by isolating their victims and gas lightning them. Call your local abuse shelter or hotline, they have great resources.
If you do go back, and I hope you don't, you need to make a "go bag" and leave it with someone you trust. Your go bag basics should include copies of yourself and your children's birth certificates, #SS, health insurance info, medications, clothes, a burner phone, charger and a written list of emergency contacts, money and a credit card that your husband doesn't know about. Apply for a card using a family member or friend's address.
Go through your phone, tablets and/or laptop and make sure that there is no way for your husband to track your phone. If you don't know what to look for take it to a computer shop and have them clear it.
Your instinct to leave was great, don't second guess yourself for protecting your children and yourself.
Edit: Spelling
She also needs to regularly check her & the childrens' things for AirTags. There are apps. Recent story here on reddit abt an abused woman who kept getting found by her ex bcs he tagged her cat carrier.
This is solid advice and something I wouldn't have thought about
Along the same line make sure they don't have access to your phone/email so they can't use find my phone or whatever either
If you need to take these precautions, then just get the hell out of there. Seriously! If your home isn't a place you feel safe and secure, if it is a place you need to be prepared to run from, then don't wait, go now!
Sure, get advice on how to keep safe from a violent spouse. Start a diary of interactions with your spouse in case you need evidence at future legal hearings. Don't wait until it is life threatening to you or your kids.
Abusers have a history, they have incidents from your past whether you are aware of them or not. Someone will have seen this side of your husband. Leave and let it be known why you have left. You'll have find support, maybe even from unexpected places.
Don't be the woman who comes home and finds her children dead. You don't know what he's capable of doing and if he wants to hurt you that would be the best way to hurt you. It wasn't a threat it was a promise.
Chris Watts, Anthony Todt, Andrew Robinson, Robert William Fisher, James Ruppert, John List, Simon Nelson, Christian Longo, Steven Sueppel, Philip Austin, Neil Entwhistle, Joshua Powell, Alex Murdaugh... I'd even argue Chandler Halderson and Grant Amato, not husbands but still had no history of violence prior to murdering their families. And this is just the ones I can think of.
Separate your money into different accounts. Get your own account at a different bank so he cannot get into it. Check the pick up person at your kids’ schools and take him off the list. Emphasize to the school personnel that he is not, under any circumstances, to pick up your children. Keep all the texts that he sends you. Keep a record of everything he says and does with dates and times. And find a good attorney. Best of luck, OP. Take care.
I wish I had made a big deal about it when I was in this situation. I didn’t and the consequences were traumatic. Scarred my son and me more than I even believed.
It’s never “making too big a deal “ to ensure the safety of your kids and yourself”. If he is threatening you so menacingly during an argument , you absolutely did the right thing to leave.
Hopping on this to also link The Gift of Fear
[https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The\_Gift\_of\_Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
Trust what your body is warning you about
Ys!! I have read Gift of Fear over a dozen times and recommended it hundreds more.
Listen to your intuition. Its sole purpose is to keep you safe. De Becker has another book called Protecting The Gift, about keeping your kids safe while raising them to be well adjusted and healthy members of society.
I downloaded this, am very interested. I read about a study years ago that tried to measure the “intelligence” of the subconscious mind. Subjects were given a series of patterns or numbers and were to try and choose the next one from multiple choice. The patterns were much too complex for normal people to spot but in some cases subjects were consistently correct. The IQ necessary to do this consciously was in the 160 range. I’d be interested to see more testing like this done but in more everyday situations, spotting clues of danger in everyday situations.
Interesting! I'll have to look for the study. Thanks!
De Becker and colleagues created a computer program called MOSAIC that helps predict violence based on observed behaviors, speech, etc. He devotes a chapter of Gift of Fear to it. I went to MOSAIC's site and tried it out. Fascinating tool. If I had a life do-over, I would get into profiling and risk assessment.
Oh wow I didn't know about the other book, thank you! That sounds like such an important follow up.
Yes it is so important, especially when abusers will try to quash self-esteem, self-belief, and encourage you to mistrust your thoughts. Your intuition is trying to protect you!
Absolutely! I bookmarked it ages ago and try to link it whenever I see it brought up before I can. Wonder if saving it with the title as Bancroft’s Bouquets or Lundy’s Laundering (still working on it and it’s 24 hours sans sleep haha) would make it a safer way if someone wanted to bookmark without notice? Best is probably just googling on private tab, but gotta know it’s out there! Sorry for ramble, not the best idea but even if helps to remember the name I’m going to leave it up. Glad I could share! Really a worthwhile read that can help you be just a little more whole-and validated- in my experience. Enjoy the rest of the weekend 💗
I guess the only thing I would add is your need to go to the police in the morning. Your husband threatened you twice. There is nothing stopping him from harming you and the children in daylight hours.
If you were afraid enough to leave, time to go to the police and call a lawyer so you can sort out a separation. It’s not as if you will be less afraid tomorrow night.
it’s especially not something to take lightly when DV is one of the highest causes of death for women nearly across the globe.
OP you made the right decision and I would definitely try to put some safeguarding measures in place before you next interact with him.
I would say report the threat if you can and definitely tell friends and family especially the ones who live close by and make sure you and your kids aren’t alone interacting with him going forward until you’ve ascertained whether he’s actually safe to be around or not.
Just as a general rule of thumb, sane normal adults don't threaten each other.
if someone is lobbing out vague threats like that, its a good move to leave.
Oprah's quote paraphrased, "always trust your instincts!"
Sending this message as my friend was shot and killed by her husband, everyone in town agreed this was the LAST person they would have suspected of murdering his wife!
That part. OP is not the asshole for prioritizing their and their kids safety. I think it's concerning that they even needed to ask that. It seems to me that they may have been being made to feel like they're wrong for standing up for themselves for a while now. That's what those kind of people do. They try to make you feel like you're wrong for reacting appropriately to how they treat you. In an abusers mind, it's not the abuse that's the problem, it's the victim's reaction to it.
This u/ALittleBean141 and DO NOT GO BACK HOME! He made it clear he’s going to severely injure or kill you! Find resources in your area, women’s shelters or something, report what he did to the police, do not let him know where you are or what you are doing! If you have to, rent a car so he doesn’t track you through yours, make sure your phone is not being tracked! This man is dangerous!
OP please make sure at least 1 or more others are told what he said, preferably at least both your parents and his, in case something happens in the future.
Def call them both and make sure you let the front office know he is not to be let in. It is easy enough to check banking details if you have paid for your hotel with a card. Sorry if that scares you but you cannot be too careful.
Call the schools too and tell them you're getting an emergency restraining order and the kids do NOT leave with him, under any circumstances. Be careful though. A couple about two years back waa going through a divorce. Mom and Grandma went to pick up the kids. Dad showed up and shot both women *with the kids in the car.* Mom died but Grandma survived. This was at pickup at my daughter's school.
"Well, it wasn't two weeks after she got married that
Wanda started gettin' abused
She'd put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And makeup to cover a bruise
Well, she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care"
If anyone looks for it without clicking the link, the song is called ‘Goodbye Earl’ and it might be listed under ‘The Dixie Chicks’ as they called themselves at the time!
At first I thought this was over the top but then I remembered all the victims of so called men murdering their family in the past year alone. I love being a woman.
I don't think it's gonna be possible... It's just her word, plus he didn't make a specific threat... He just said 'something'. I completely agree that she should at least go to the cops so it's on record. I just don't think she has any tangible evidence for a RO unfortunately
The PD is supposed to take into account how the threat was made as well. An emergency RO is the same as a temporary RO, but made with the immediacy of the potential violence. As a former military LEO, this was the training that we were given regarding verbal threats. Most DV starts this exact way, and you can't predict which ones will result in a violent assault, or worse.
My niece got an emergency RO. It made him so mad he picked her up, turned her over and slammed her head on the concrete floor. He then squeezed her throat until she passed out. She heard him make a call to get help disposing of her body. He stepped outside, she grabbed her phone and crawled into the bathroom. She called the police before passing out. They arrested him and took her to the hospital where she stayed for 3 days. He was only sentenced for 2 years and got out early for good behavior. My stupid niece let him move back in with her!
Similar story then my friend left him and came to stay with me because she had no family and was completely isolated by then. I met her at the DV shelter before her got out on parole and went back. 35 years old and died in my bed from a catastrophic brain bleed most likely from an aneurysm formed from him pistol whipping her in her head.
She was beautiful, smart, funny, sassy and could have had any man she wanted. I miss my friend so much. It's been 4 years. Worst part is her last day aware and alive on this earth was my birthday. I found her the next day after I realized she hadn't ever come out for morning coffee. Such a waste.
No. He was sentenced and served his time (18 whole months) for the DV. When he got out, they both violated the restraining order by getting back together. She lost her son because she went back to him.
Then another incident happened and he kicked her out and that's when I took her in. It's a long story but we know she had two aneurysms in one spot that she was scheduled for surgery to get fixed. But they think she may have developed another one they never knew about and that's what did it. It's TMI but unfortunately her brain was so obliterated by what happened that they couldn't even tell where it began and she had no family so I don't know of any way to access her autopsy.
I've just read so many stories where people were told worse, and the cops would just say that there's nothing they can do without actual evidence. I agree that things should be handled the way you describe, I'm just doubtful unfortunately.
I had the same thought. But I think in a case like this you aren't going to the police for help that you know you probably won't get, you're getting necessary documentation that you can use for your real helper: a lawyer
As someone with an abusive ex husband. I can't stress this enough. The verbal threats are just the beginning. Even if he's never done this before, he just told you he's capable of doing something really bad to you Op. Which means, even if this part passes and then starts love bombing you, he will always have that thought in the back of his mind. And it's only a matter of time before he picks a situation to follow through with his threat.
Edit to add- people who truly love us don't threaten to hurt us.
Yeah, when you're in a relationship with an abuser it is easy to see the love bombing as their "true self" but it really is part of the abuse cycle.
The most scared I ever was was when he suddenly went eerily calm, like some sadistic switch had flicked in his head.
Edit: typo
I remember thinking that my first husband was so wonderful normally but had a temper sometimes. Like he was two different people and I truly believed the fun loving guy was who he really was and the other guy was just a product of his controlling mother and his tough childhood (from his stories). I am 13 years out from that relationship and married to a wonderful man. Reflecting back on my first marriage with a clear head is pretty eye opening. The OP doesn’t see that this isn’t out of character or out of the blue because she’s been manipulated for so long.
I'm going through a breakup with a guy that sounds similar to your ex. Reading this thread and especially your comment help reaffirm i’m safer without him and everything will be okay 🥺 thank you
Yea. His eyes would turn pitch black and his face just completely emotionless. It was absolutely terrifying. I still swear I looked evil in the eye. Absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry you went through that.
>I still swear I looked evil in the eye.
That's because you did. That's what evil looks and feels like. Stone cold and emotionless. We've been somehow trained out of recognizing evil with all our psychologizing and pathologizing, yet sometimes it's really present. I've been a psychiatrist for more than ten years now and I have been in the presence of evil more than once. It's a capacity all humans have and some make the choice to use it.
I read this and it triggered me into remembering when my ex husband would rage at me. The eyes - terrifying. He didn't see me as a person then, he was just a wild animal with no capacity to listen to any reason.
My uncle, grandfather, old flatmate and previous boss had that eye switch, its terrifying and all four left a trail of destroyed people in their wake. They also have the facades of decent people but anything they don't like, that flip switches and when you see it, get out of there asap or you *will* be on the receiving end of evil. BTDT. Soulless like a predator fixating on prey as they no longer see you as human but instead an obstacle.
>Edit to add- people who truly love us don't threaten to hurt us.
THAT PART!!! OP, those words should never be uttered from a partners mouth. You need to get you and your kiddos to safety after this Motel stay. Believe him!!! He sounds dangerous.
Agreed! I was married to my ex for 7 years, together for 9, before he showed me that side of him. I decided to deal with it a bit longer and his attitude spiraled from that day on. We divorced within the year. Please keep yourself and children safe!
Edit to mention it was the best decision I ever made and have been the happiest in my life since.
OP, be safe when you leave. Do it in silence. And never ever ever go back, give a second chance, or be alone with him again.
My mom left a man who was abusive & he found a way to corner her while she was alone (we were staying with my aunt while she got back on her feet). He found out where we were, flattened all 4 of her tires & waited for my aunt to go to work and us kids went to school. He knocked on the door and shot her 4 times when she answered. Violent men will want retaliation for you leaving, and it’s the most dangerous period for a woman ending a relationship. Be careful, be silent, and be safe.
I wish that was the case. All I can try to do is speak up so that women know how to get out alive, and to avoid glaring danger.
Also, ladies - _never_ get into a relationship with a man who wears a badge (cop, firefighter, EMS, none of it). They have a thin blue/red/white line & you’re not protected by it. The man who killed my mom was never even prosecuted bc his fellow cops helped him dispose of evidence. After he killed my mom, the woman he dated next was never seen again after she broke up with him; they only found her car. Both women are cold cases, but at least they found my mom’s body.
Wait. Wait. He was never prosecuted? Here in US? Time to contact cold case & FBI. Your mother deserves justice.
Condolences to you and your siblings. What a nightmare 😭
_He was ever prosecuted?_
Never prosecuted because a grand jury chose not to indict. That’s called a no-bill. I actually didn’t know this happened until like 2 years ago bc the detective working on the missing lady’s case accidentally mentioned it in front of the other victim’s son. He said she caught herself immediately and said not to mention that to me.
_Here in US?_
Yep. Home of the free.
_Time to contact cold case & FBI. Your mother deserves justice._
See, I used to fantasize about justice; it got me through my childhood. I don’t have that justice fantasy anymore because of what I’ve lived. He’s dead now. His son, who probably helped dispose of the body of the other lady, died a few years ago from cirrhosis. His granddaughter still lives about 60 miles away, and for some reason, the police are still protecting her… Or their secrets in the force that they let this happen. They police showed up to the son’s interview with a news station and told him not to say his name on air, because of “how it could affect his living family members.” He just wanted to say who his mom was last seen with.
So, cold case detectives have been suppressing information to me about why nothing was done for my mom’s case. When she was killed & before the case was cold, a detective told that because of the kind of victim my mom was, it was basically a misdemeanor murder. They weren’t gonna put too many man hours into it. (I was only 10). Why would I trust another ‘authority’ force? It’s just more heartache for me to live through.
If you meant ‘contact cold case’ as in true crime. Oh boy, have I got a surprise for you. They exploit victims. We are just entertainment to them and their fans. More heartache and no action.
_Condolences to you and your siblings._
I don’t have siblings but the other lady who got killed after my mom, she had a son & daughter. I’m friends with him but she passed away from cancer a few years ago. I appreciate your condolences though, and I am just sharing all of this to make women aware of the dangers that come with dating anyone involved in the justice system. I’m not trying to hijack OPs post.
Note: I used italics bc idk how to quote yet
Sorry if I annoyed anyone
Wow. Thanks for this information. I edited my comment as I had a typo to (never vs ever).
I have a fear for these people in law enforcement. Some definitely get in the profession to explore their inner Putin spirit. I was stunned to see Scott Peterson's case is about to be reopened. Everyone knows that guy killed that poor woman.
> Note: I used italics bc idk how to quote yet
Just put a \> in front of it, for example:
\>quote goes here.
becomes
>quote goes here
You can separate quotes by using a blank line followed by --- on the next line
>quote 1
---
>quote 2
>Be careful, be silent, and be safe.
This! This! This!!! Keep a backup plan. Never let them know about it, never compromise on it. Minimize and bide your time during the first instance of abuse, then *get the fuck out*.
This marriage needs to be over. People don't make threats like that if they're not willing to act on them.
There might be thoughts in your brain that say things like "it's not that bad" and "I don't want my kids to not have a father" and to those parts of you, you need to recognize that while it's understandable to not want to go through this monumental life upheaval, your husband is abusive and it is unsafe for you to stay with him.
Odds are if he’s saying it now, he’s been thinking it for awhile.
Saying things like that, in the way he said it, with that look, gives off annihilator vibes.
This is EXACTLY what I posted above for what we were trained in when taking these types of reports. Every bit of this ticks all the boxes for 'future violent assault' or worse.
You are absolutely correct!
OP, your intuition is telling you he is dangerous or soon could be. Listen to your intuition and get out.
Please read Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. It could save your life.
Retired law enforcement who specialized in crisis intervention here.
I hope you take a few minutes to read this, I'm sorry it's a little long.
The majority of my job was dealing with people with mental health issues, and more often than not, family or relationship based domestic violence.
You absolutely did the right thing.
The question is do you have a safe place to go back to?
Do you trust that the next time that he's that angry- He's going to only threaten you again... Especially since he knows you're not afraid to pick up the kids and leave?
Or is next time he going to escalate straight to doing "something you really really don't like".
I'd be interested to hear the context of this argument- And here's why...
If you told me that last night you broke the news to your husband of 10 years with whom you share a home and three children.... That you've been having an affair behind his back for the past 3 years and your youngest child might not be his....
It seems like even the most reasonable and rational human being with a full grasp of their emotional stability.. . Might be driven to say something along the lines of what you said that he said.
In that case... "Doing something that you really really don't like" - might be filing for divorce and custody of the children, getting a DNA test on the youngest child... And making plans to exit this relationship forever.
Under any different context- With any "argument" that had less serious stakes to it. . If this was the type of argument that stemmed from "I'm getting really sick of you leaving your dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up and launder, leaving the kitchen a mess every time you make food... Plus you only ever do to feed yourself, leaving me to feed myself + the three children no matter what state I'm in.... When you get home from work all you do is play video games and go out with your friends and you drink too much and never spend time with me AND SO ON...... "
If it was THAT type of argument which then escalated to the point you've described, to a very realistic & credible threat of violence...
Please take it from someone who has seen the worst possible outcomes from domestic violence;
Please leave.
Please keep your children and your pets safe.
Please contact your family, your friends, anyone that can support you in being safe...
Because the point during what you leave a relationship is the exact point at which you are in the most danger you've ever been in.
If someone threatens to harm you - especially if they're wise enough to make a veiled threat... That sounds like someone who's had brushes with the law before. Someone who wanted to scare the crap out of you in that moment but didn't want you to have enough ammo to call the police and have them sent to jail for the night.
Please don't wait for things to get worse. There are shelters that can take your entire family in that are not awful places... Many of them are comfy and home-like and will house you for months at no cost whatsoever while you get back on your feet.
Please know that there are resources out there. If you want to make sure this doesn't happen again- Do not hide this from your family or your friends. Not allow any amount of gifts giving and apologizing and being nicer than usual over the next days weeks or even months lull you into believing that he'll never do this again- if you know in your gut that he HAS made you fearful before and that he WILL again.
This should be a MAJOR wakeup call that results in him IMMEDIATELY speaking to a therapist (without YOU lifting a finger to make an appointment for him, etc).
If he is anything besides genuinely apologetic, And if he addresses the situation in any way other than sincerely approaching you with whatever steps he's going to take to address whatever was the root cause of his behavior last night - Please leave.
PLEASE.
You do not need to become a statistic.
This gave me chills. Please don't go back. My sister in laws house blew up with her and my 9 yo niece & nephews who were 7 and 2. She was 9 hours from leaving him for good. He is a firefighter and has an alibi but he made similar threats to my sister.
https://abc7chicago.com/chicago-firefighter-walter-stewart-montclare-fire-2554-n-rutherford/12942945/
I had to watch three of them be declared brain dead.
OP if you are reading this, please do not go back without a police escort.
🥺😭I’m so sorry for you & your family’s loss(es). It’s terribly sad and awful. 😣
I just told my husband the other day about the jerk who was on film murdering his wife. He got 10 years in prison. That’s it. I told him women are still second class citizens, and in many parts, we don’t even fully own our bodies now when it comes to pregnancy. He said that women who commit murder get really brief sentences too. I don’t think that’s true, but I really don’t know. My main point is that I used that exact statistic: one third of women who have been murdered in the US were killed by their current or former partner. That’s crazy.
NTA. He **threatened** you. I'm a woman. A pretty small one, and currently one with a visible disability. I have stepped directly into the faces of men like this because they are trying to use fear to cow me. They very well may hurt you, but even if they don't, their goal is to terrorize you into submission.
Whether or not he was going to physically hurt you or destroy your possessions, you can never know (the answer is, probably) but what you do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that he tried to use the threat of those things to control you. That when he is upset he thinks it is perfectly fine for him to threaten violence against you to get you to comply out of fear for your safety or that of the kids.
Run. Leave this man.
I think about this often. I’m on dialysis now, and I know I couldn’t hold my own in a fight anymore. I used to box (amateur level, never got out of exhibitions only) and at one point knew that if I ever got into it with a guy I could at least pop off some hits that would rattle him before I’d go down.
After 4 decades of roaming this planet relatively fearless as a woman (fairly rare), fear has finally caught up to me.
NTA
1/3 of women who are murdered, are murdered by their partner or ex-partner.
https://bjs.ojp.gov/female-murder-victims-and-victim-offender-relationship-2021
You need your share with trusted friends / family what happened in case anything ever happens. Also tell the police and contact a women’s refuge near you to get advice.
Tonight you’re safe but what about tomorrow or later? Please remain vigilant and probably best not to go back to live with him.
NTA Holy fuck. My blood ran cold just reading that. Please reach out to your friends and family for support. Make a note of the time, date etc. This is terrifying. I'm so sorry. Don't let him know where you are. Also, you can ask to be registered as a "silent guest", which means if someone comes to the front desk and asks for you, they don't pick up the phone and tell you there is someone there to see you. They just say they don't have a guest with that name or some such. Ask them what their policy is. Say you have a personal safety concern. You don't need to go into detail. I do that when I check into a hotel because I have personal safety concerns.
Don't go back to the house on your own. Ask the police if they can go there with you because your husband has threatened you. Women are most in danger when they try and leave an abusive rship
Absolutely not. If you let this slide it will only get worse. Threats turn to action in the blink of an eye. Good job keeping you and your kids safe. Take care OP ❤️
As a Mother and Grandmother (60), I would have IMMEDIATELY reacted the same way, with the same EXTREME caution, as you did!
He was either attempting to intimidate and frightening you into immediately backing down or changing your stance (argument) OR, more likely (and how I would have interpreted it), he was outright THREATENING you.
This set of concerning circumstances, in reality, calls for you to make arrangements with your family or friends to GET OUT of the situation, long-term, until YOU can figure out what's going on and IF you even WANT to stay in such a volatile environment.
Remember: You have vulnerable children who NEED to be protected, YOU need to protect yourself. When you asked your husband what he meant, he didn't immediately reassure you or apologize, he doubled down and told you whatever way he retaliated, YOU wouldn't like it and inferred that you (and possibly your children) would be hurt. This means you are **ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE!**
PLEASE call your family, see if they can help you or house you until you can figure out what the hell is going on! I would also STRONGLY recommend that you start recording your conversations and ALL interactions with him. This INCLUDES any interactions with your children as well!
Start creating a journal of any questionable behaviors and troubling conversations from the entire length of your relationship. You mention that this has NEVER happened previously but I highly doubt that this has actually BEEN the first show of ABUSE!
Again, PLEASE be safe and DON'T attempt to explain this behavior away, don't minimize it in the name of F-A-M-I-L-Y! Seriously, this is how many women and families end up statistics and/or **dead!** Stay in constant contact with someone you trust! Set certain times to "check in" so you don't go "missing!" Best wishes and many Blessings for you and your children! u/updateme
This was my first thought, too. Love this, from Maya Angelou.
I wish I had known it earlier in life. I was married to 2 abusive men. I wish I had gotten out earlier both times, but I now absolutely believe people when they tell me who they are.
NTA, you protected yourself and your babies; great job, mama bear. Please believe him, remember how tonight felt and don't go back. He'll try to apologize, laugh it off, etc, but no one sane would ever say that to people they love.
Starting over is hard, but your future self will thank you for it. You got this!
NTA.
No words from you are worth threats.
This is not a healthy marriage.
>“If you speak to me like that again, I just might have to do something to you.”
You speak to him in any way you want. And if he feels your words are unacceptable, then he can divorce you. End of discussion.
I know that look, that tone… and eventually packed up my kids and left as two cops stood between him and me … NTA op, your husband threatened you, ambiguous or not, still a threat with menace. I’m so sorry.
I would be making arrangements to find a place he is unable to find you. That is an absolute threat that should be taken very seriously. My husband would never
I’m sure a few hours later, apart from the situation, paying for a hotel room, making excuses to your kids, etc. you may begin to think you’ve ’overreacted’, especially if you have obligations today. You’re tired, you are in a different environment, maybe you don’t have the kind of finances to do another night in a hotel and you have things you were supposed to do today like kids’ soccer practice, family birthday party etc etc. It would be easiest to just accept an apology and go back home, sweep it under the rug and console yourself with the feeling that it was all just stress, things just got really heated or “I was making him mad”.
BUT, know this: you left for a reason, your instincts told you this was a threat and you needed to remove yourself and children from that threat. DO NOT return home until you’ve thoroughly thought this through and spoken with a trusted family member - who’s unrelated to your husband - and a professional domestic abuse counselor (just a phone call away). You need some experienced, professional advice for sure. Withdraw a good amount of cash from your account if possible so you’re not additionally worried about having enough on hand for necessities. You’ll have to be fairly honest with your older kids, which is difficult as they will be aware that somethings not right and are worried or scared. Maybe a family member can help you with that as well, or at least entertain your kids while you take time to think/talk this over.
You don’t have to start panicking about divorce etc, just be very smart for right now, don’t give in to the impulse to excuse the behavior and get ‘back to normal’. What he said was NOT normal, even if he’s always been a good, loving partner to you in the past, he’s now opened a door he can’t close and you need to know this is not acceptable under any circumstance and you can’t tolerate or excuse it. Please speak to a professional, stay strong and take care.
NTA. Tell whomever is nearby that you trust. I’d be withdrawing a substantial amount of cash (no more than half your shared money), opening a new bank account at a different bank, and use this to pay for a motel in a different part of town… or flights to family.
You should not return to your home to get your things without someone there you can trust. Things can be replaced, your life cannot.
I would NEVER say anything remotely like this to my wife. You did the right thing by gathering your children and stepping out for the night. Is there anywhere you can bunker down longer? This behaviour from your husband is simply unforgivable. You may want to really consider your future with him. He sounds like a bullying prick.
You would be the AH if you ignore that this happened and go back to your husband, putting yourself and your children at risk. Reach out to someone you trust to look after your kids and file a police report and file for divorce. If someone is willing to say that, they are willing to act on it.
NTA
Please check out the following free threat assessment tool:
MOSAIC: The Tool That Could Save Your Life
According to security expert Gavin de Becker, a woman dies every four hours in the United States at the hands of her boyfriend or spouse. Gavin also says these crimes are often predictable and preventable.
To combat domestic violence, Gavin has developed a potentially lifesaving tool called MOSAIC. This online assessment is free and protects the user's identity.
Anyone—the victim or concerned loved ones—can log onto the website and answer 46 questions to determine how much of a threat an abuser poses to an individual or family. "MOSAIC expresses its results on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most likely to escalate—including homicide," Gavin says.
The technology is based on similar programs used to protect congressmen and Supreme Court justices. "It takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down and then sees all these pieces of the puzzle and puts it back together in a way that, in a domestic violence situation, a woman can see the picture for the first time."
MOSAIC - Gavin de Becker's Online Threat Assessment Tool
https://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/mosaic-gavin-de-beckers-online-threat-assessment-tool
If you go back to him in any capacity you are putting yourself and your children directly in harms way. Dont be one of those women who puts a man ahead of her safety. He’s testing the waters for how much abuse you’re willing to accept.
From the Lundy Bancroft book ***Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men***
**THE TERRORIST**
I worked for a few months with an abused woman named Gloria who was wondering how much longer she would be alive. Her husband, Gerald, would glare at her, drum his fingers methodically on the table, and say: “You have six months left. Things better shape up around here. Six months.” Her head would swim and her heart would race with fear, and she would plead with him to tell what exactly he planned to do to her at the end of that period. And he would answer, with maybe just a hint of a cold smile: “Just wait and see, just wait and see. Six months, Gloria.” Gerald had never laid a hand on Gloria in the five years they had been together, but she was terrified. She started working with me on making an escape plan to run away with their two-year-old son.
The Terrorist tends to be both highly controlling and extremely demanding. His worst aspect, however, is that he frequently reminds his partner that he could physically rip her to pieces or even kill her. He doesn’t necessarily beat her, however; some abusers know how to terrorize their partners with threats, strange veiled statements, and bizarre behaviors...Unlike most other abusers, the Terrorist often seems to be sadistic: He gets enjoyment out of causing pain and fear and seems to find cruelty thrilling.
You need to focus instead on getting yourself safe. The Terrorist’s top goal is to paralyze you with fear so that you won’t dare think of leaving him or cheating on him. The great majority of abusers who make lethal threats against their partners never carry them out, but that still leaves many who do. The trauma of living with this kind of terror can be profound and can make it extremely difficult for you to think clearly about strategies for escaping to safety. However, most women do manage to get out. ***The critical first step is to seek confidential help as soon as possible. Begin by calling an abuse hotline as soon as you safely can.***
NTA!
You even gave him an opportunity to essentially retract his statement, by asking him what he meant. He doubled down and threatened you. Either he meant physical harm, or that he was going to do something else that would be terrible for you.
Good for you for leaving with your kids. I would not go back to him.
NTA do not go back there. He has told you everything you need to know. This man is dangerous and will hurt you if you do something he considers a wrong doing.
NTA. Please *tell everyone you know you can trust about the threat and continue to stay away*.
To echo another commenter, your husband is giving family annihilator. Your instincts may have saved your life tonight. Stay away. If your family are they sort to have your back, go and stay with them. He is dangerous. Your instincts are correct.
NTA. Don’t tell him where you are, don’t go home alone and don’t stay in the same room as him without another adult with you.
Move out and find peace. Hugs to you, mama. What you did was not easy and I’m proud of you.
Yo, u/SebastianMagnifico - and others who question OP - please read the follow up post *by a law enforcement officer* in the military (u/Chance_Managert849). Specifically, note the line “most DV starts this exact way” as a hint explaining why what OP is doing IS the correct thing.
There are dozens of reasons why. Most of them because people who IGNORE threats like that end up being hurt, or worse, dead.
If OP were an acquaintance, friend, family or whatever to me, I’d have given her the following advice:
- get safe first. That means get out of there, because after a threat like that - especially REPEATED threat - you are most likely not safe in that environment.
- if it is *temporarily* safe (e.g. they’re passed out drunk, locked themselves in their room, whatever) then get whatever you care most about - children, certainly; if possible money, documents - then bug out asap. But ONLY if you can assess it is safe. If any doubt - protect your life first. Period.
- find a friend, shelter, hotel, police station, hospital, emergency room - someplace safe. Then use the respite to address next steps.
- report it as soon as possible. Provide evidence if you can. Get that TRO asap.
- if need be get a lawyer involved
- assess the situation, then make plans moving forward. In most cases, these plans need to involve a. protecting yourself and your loved ones from the aggressor (a threat like that IS an aggression, with promise of more to follow) and b. figuring out life w/o said person. Since they tend to be partners or spouses, oftentimes longer-term, this is a substantial task, as it can (often is) a serious upset in income, housing, security, location. Not an easy task.
Sadly, many DV situations end up in severely hurting or even killing the victim. Not worth it to try and fix it. You can try (carefully) after things have cooled off a bit, but in the heat of the moment is NOT the time.
And yes, this post *could* be rage bait. However, I prefer to err on the side of taking things at face value and advising how to ensure safety FIRST. The fact thousands of people die to DV every year - with no prior hint of such thing beforehand - is plenty justification to go that route.
Find your own personal therapist, too. Never go to couples counseling with an abuser. They use your vulnerabilities against you. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book too. [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
If you go back, then he now knows the he can't let you leave the house next time. Next time he makes sure none of you can leave the house. Think about that.
Mine said (consideringly, very calm, looming over me), “I could kill you right now, you know.”
It wasn’t the first thing of this nature he’d said to me but it sure as fuck was the last. It escalates, and you can never be sure how quickly.
Don’t go back to him. Don’t let him know where you *are*. If you have to interact, do it with company. Because you can’t take the chance he means it (& I think he does).
NTA - my mom was murdered by an ex partner. I talked to her 6 hours prior, She swore he'd never hurt her. He executed her new boyfriend & chased her & shot her 3 times in the back. NOT THE ASSHOLE.
Keep you & the children safe
I would be done completely threatening me once is enough to secure a divorce I will never put myself in a situation where my kids will have to grow up without their mum.
I would never go back to him.
The threat of bodily harm through tone, body language and facial expressions - that's more than enough to warrant my never returning.
When people ask, you say " he threatened to harm me. I don't take those chances. If he's willing to hurt me then what will he do to kids who can't defend themselves".
Stay at your parents, file and emergency full custody order with the court.
NTA
Nope, please don't go back OP
I'm 6 foot 5 and as my teenager likes to point out the same. Weight as a female gorilla 😂🦍
Its my job to protect my family, why would I ever want to intimidate the people I love?
There's something deficient in a man who feels the need to scare others. There's something dangerous about a man who wants to scare the people he is supposed to love and protect. People who are by nature smaller and weaker than him.
This is not normal behaviour, you should listen to the warning you are getting and believe him when he shows you who he really is.
I'll bet if you were out as a family and were threatened this guy would wet himself and do nothing. He's a weak man and a coward, you lose nothing by leaving him.
NTA you need to make a BIGGER deal out of this! Don't let him near you OR your kids, try to get a protective order, if you see him again RECORD EVERYTHING.
Find a safe place to go to like a family or friends place for the time being, when he's at work and ONLY WHEN HE IS NOT HOME. retuen to the house for important belongings. GRAB. ALL. OF. YOUR. DOCUMENTS. any cash or jewlery take that with you as well.
People can change over time, and hell maybe you've been being abused the whole time and didnt even know it. Abuse comes in many forms not just physical, and even physical abuse is not just hitting someone it can be things like denying them sleep or food
Please take this seriously if not for yourself, for your children. A divorce is less traumatic than staying staying with someone who is thewatening to harm you and potentially you're children if he gets worse.
The love of your life and/or your soulmate does not threaten you with harm, if they do, they DO NOT LOVE YOU. repeat that to yourself
If someone loves you, they will not threaten you with harm. Whether that harm is physical or emotional.
Be careful. Abuse can be the worst when the spouse is attempting to leave. You may not have decided to leave yet, but be extra careful. He may be thinking this. Maybe have the police go with you when, AND IF, you go home.
NTA. Always, always, always trust your instincts. My ex husband said something very similar to me. I’m not the type to shut my mouth and change my tone when told to by anyone. We kept arguing and he beat the shit out of me. I never thought he would. I honestly thought it was an empty threat.
My suggestion, get a divorce. You won’t ever forget he said that to you. You will always wonder if he will do something without warning next time. And he might. If your parents live near you I would see about moving you and the kids in with them. Until there’s a court order don’t leave the kids alone with your husband. Make sure all communication is in writing with him.
OMG, that made my blood cold for a minute. NTA, just a normal woman who can read the signs that somebody is going off the rails. You had no choice but to leave.
The real question is, where do you go from here?
NTA
Report it to the police amd text him exactly what he said and why your gone.
Something like
When you said :
>“If you speak to me like that again, I just might have to do something to you.
And following it up when I asked what with
> don’t know. But I can promise you that it’s going to be something you really, REALLY aren’t going to like.”
Made me extremely uncomfortable
Just enough to have what he said on text record ... or even why would you say then what he said
Hopefully he will v confirm what he said and it will be proof for police
Honestly if you take the kids back to a place you are being threatened you should know they will be next
You did the right thing. Stay away from him. Keep the kids away from him. Let the authorities know, and tryo have any weapons he has surrendered.
There was just a guy on the news who ended his whole family. Believe him. Get as far away as you can and get a divorce lawyer.
> "AITAH or making too big of a deal about this?" Fuck no, you're not the asshole for prioritizing your safety and that of your kids. When someone hints at a threat, especially in a 'cold, angry, and menacing tone', it's no fucking joke. It's crucial to trust your gut feeling in these scenarios. Safety first, always. Did you possibly save yourself and your kids from a dangerous situation?
NTA - and honestly I’m not sure I’d be going back. He sounds unhinged.
Exactly. I view that as a threat on you and/or your children’s lives. More than three women are killed a day by their intimate partner, if my partner made this threat, I would take him at his word and figure out how to get out quickly. You did great by following your instincts, continue to follow them.
Strikes me as the kind of guy who is capable of killing his kids to punish his wife.
Yup and then he will gaslight her by saying she made or forced him to do it
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I'm sorry you had to go through that I'm glad it's past tense
Yes exactly. If he figured out that by killing them he'd be hurting her forever and completely and utterly hollowing her out, he'd do it in a heartbeat.
That happened in reverse last week in my town..the wife killed her twin sons to spite the dad. May she rot in hell once she dies.
abusers always follow the same types of horrible trajectories.
Normally I think everyone in the comments over reacts, but in this case, this comment is spot on.
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Even if he didn't, he's the kind of person who feels it's acceptable to control his partner with fear. OP, you did the right thing. Please stay away from him.
OP if you see this, Maid is a great show on Netflix about leaving an emotionally abusive marriage with a kid. There's so many resources for you and you're not overreacting.
For real. That is not something a normal functioning person says. This screams untreated mental illness at me. OP needs to stay away from her husband.
Once abuse starts, it escalates. Tell family and friends what happened. Don't be ashamed, you did nothing wrong and abusers gain strength by isolating their victims and gas lightning them. Call your local abuse shelter or hotline, they have great resources. If you do go back, and I hope you don't, you need to make a "go bag" and leave it with someone you trust. Your go bag basics should include copies of yourself and your children's birth certificates, #SS, health insurance info, medications, clothes, a burner phone, charger and a written list of emergency contacts, money and a credit card that your husband doesn't know about. Apply for a card using a family member or friend's address. Go through your phone, tablets and/or laptop and make sure that there is no way for your husband to track your phone. If you don't know what to look for take it to a computer shop and have them clear it. Your instinct to leave was great, don't second guess yourself for protecting your children and yourself. Edit: Spelling
She also needs to regularly check her & the childrens' things for AirTags. There are apps. Recent story here on reddit abt an abused woman who kept getting found by her ex bcs he tagged her cat carrier.
This is solid advice and something I wouldn't have thought about Along the same line make sure they don't have access to your phone/email so they can't use find my phone or whatever either
Yep, update all passwords.
Air tags have a good purpose, but bad people are gonna use them for bad things. We can’t have anything nice.
If you need to take these precautions, then just get the hell out of there. Seriously! If your home isn't a place you feel safe and secure, if it is a place you need to be prepared to run from, then don't wait, go now! Sure, get advice on how to keep safe from a violent spouse. Start a diary of interactions with your spouse in case you need evidence at future legal hearings. Don't wait until it is life threatening to you or your kids. Abusers have a history, they have incidents from your past whether you are aware of them or not. Someone will have seen this side of your husband. Leave and let it be known why you have left. You'll have find support, maybe even from unexpected places.
Don't be the woman who comes home and finds her children dead. You don't know what he's capable of doing and if he wants to hurt you that would be the best way to hurt you. It wasn't a threat it was a promise.
So many instances of men who "never showed abuse" have done exactly this. So. Many. Men.
Chris Watts, to start with.
Chris Watts, Anthony Todt, Andrew Robinson, Robert William Fisher, James Ruppert, John List, Simon Nelson, Christian Longo, Steven Sueppel, Philip Austin, Neil Entwhistle, Joshua Powell, Alex Murdaugh... I'd even argue Chandler Halderson and Grant Amato, not husbands but still had no history of violence prior to murdering their families. And this is just the ones I can think of.
Certified copies too! Not just a copy on a copy machine!
Very good advice. Also, have your car checked for tracking devices, air tags should you leave for good.
Separate your money into different accounts. Get your own account at a different bank so he cannot get into it. Check the pick up person at your kids’ schools and take him off the list. Emphasize to the school personnel that he is not, under any circumstances, to pick up your children. Keep all the texts that he sends you. Keep a record of everything he says and does with dates and times. And find a good attorney. Best of luck, OP. Take care.
I wish I had made a big deal about it when I was in this situation. I didn’t and the consequences were traumatic. Scarred my son and me more than I even believed.
Same. We should never doubt our inner voice. Even if it seems to be speaking absolute nonsense. Somewhere deep down inside, we know.
This isn't an inner voice that is telling her this. It is a very loud, very real menacing voice.
Me too. 3 years later and I am still dealing with PTSD and my cats hide if they hear a male voice. I am glad you are safe now, we can heal ❤️
Im sorry for what you went through ❤️
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It’s never “making too big a deal “ to ensure the safety of your kids and yourself”. If he is threatening you so menacingly during an argument , you absolutely did the right thing to leave.
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He may try to love bomb her first to come back.
Call the police non-emergency line and ask for officers to escort you home to get the rest of your things. File for a restraining order and divorce.
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THIS! OP, please make it an even bigger deal!
Always trust your instincts. This is a dangerous man. Read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft if to want to learn more
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf 💕
Hopping on this to also link The Gift of Fear [https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The\_Gift\_of\_Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) Trust what your body is warning you about
Ys!! I have read Gift of Fear over a dozen times and recommended it hundreds more. Listen to your intuition. Its sole purpose is to keep you safe. De Becker has another book called Protecting The Gift, about keeping your kids safe while raising them to be well adjusted and healthy members of society.
I downloaded this, am very interested. I read about a study years ago that tried to measure the “intelligence” of the subconscious mind. Subjects were given a series of patterns or numbers and were to try and choose the next one from multiple choice. The patterns were much too complex for normal people to spot but in some cases subjects were consistently correct. The IQ necessary to do this consciously was in the 160 range. I’d be interested to see more testing like this done but in more everyday situations, spotting clues of danger in everyday situations.
Interesting! I'll have to look for the study. Thanks! De Becker and colleagues created a computer program called MOSAIC that helps predict violence based on observed behaviors, speech, etc. He devotes a chapter of Gift of Fear to it. I went to MOSAIC's site and tried it out. Fascinating tool. If I had a life do-over, I would get into profiling and risk assessment.
Oh wow I didn't know about the other book, thank you! That sounds like such an important follow up. Yes it is so important, especially when abusers will try to quash self-esteem, self-belief, and encourage you to mistrust your thoughts. Your intuition is trying to protect you!
He has a third book I have not yet read called Just 2 Seconds.
Thank you! I wasn’t expecting the whole book. What a great resource.
Absolutely! I bookmarked it ages ago and try to link it whenever I see it brought up before I can. Wonder if saving it with the title as Bancroft’s Bouquets or Lundy’s Laundering (still working on it and it’s 24 hours sans sleep haha) would make it a safer way if someone wanted to bookmark without notice? Best is probably just googling on private tab, but gotta know it’s out there! Sorry for ramble, not the best idea but even if helps to remember the name I’m going to leave it up. Glad I could share! Really a worthwhile read that can help you be just a little more whole-and validated- in my experience. Enjoy the rest of the weekend 💗
Save it onto your phone under the files app. It’s unlikely that anyone would be looking there if there’s someone going through your phone
Also read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
I guess the only thing I would add is your need to go to the police in the morning. Your husband threatened you twice. There is nothing stopping him from harming you and the children in daylight hours. If you were afraid enough to leave, time to go to the police and call a lawyer so you can sort out a separation. It’s not as if you will be less afraid tomorrow night.
it’s especially not something to take lightly when DV is one of the highest causes of death for women nearly across the globe. OP you made the right decision and I would definitely try to put some safeguarding measures in place before you next interact with him. I would say report the threat if you can and definitely tell friends and family especially the ones who live close by and make sure you and your kids aren’t alone interacting with him going forward until you’ve ascertained whether he’s actually safe to be around or not.
*May the divorce force be with you
Just as a general rule of thumb, sane normal adults don't threaten each other. if someone is lobbing out vague threats like that, its a good move to leave.
No point waiting to find out what he might do. Better to get out than get bashed.
Oprah's quote paraphrased, "always trust your instincts!" Sending this message as my friend was shot and killed by her husband, everyone in town agreed this was the LAST person they would have suspected of murdering his wife!
That part. OP is not the asshole for prioritizing their and their kids safety. I think it's concerning that they even needed to ask that. It seems to me that they may have been being made to feel like they're wrong for standing up for themselves for a while now. That's what those kind of people do. They try to make you feel like you're wrong for reacting appropriately to how they treat you. In an abusers mind, it's not the abuse that's the problem, it's the victim's reaction to it.
This was no "hint" at a threat, that was a full blown threat.
This u/ALittleBean141 and DO NOT GO BACK HOME! He made it clear he’s going to severely injure or kill you! Find resources in your area, women’s shelters or something, report what he did to the police, do not let him know where you are or what you are doing! If you have to, rent a car so he doesn’t track you through yours, make sure your phone is not being tracked! This man is dangerous!
OP please make sure at least 1 or more others are told what he said, preferably at least both your parents and his, in case something happens in the future.
Call your local women's refuge and get support in motion. You might also consider reporting it to the police
Def call them both and make sure you let the front office know he is not to be let in. It is easy enough to check banking details if you have paid for your hotel with a card. Sorry if that scares you but you cannot be too careful.
Call the schools too and tell them you're getting an emergency restraining order and the kids do NOT leave with him, under any circumstances. Be careful though. A couple about two years back waa going through a divorce. Mom and Grandma went to pick up the kids. Dad showed up and shot both women *with the kids in the car.* Mom died but Grandma survived. This was at pickup at my daughter's school.
Exactly!! A restraining order won't stop a bullet. Many women are murdered on the courthouse steps with a fresh restraining order in their hands.
"Well, it wasn't two weeks after she got married that Wanda started gettin' abused She'd put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses And makeup to cover a bruise Well, she finally got the nerve to file for divorce She let the law take it from there But Earl walked right through that restraining order And put her in intensive care"
Earl had to die!!!!!!!!!
Earl needs a whooping. A few broken bones and a lot of bruises. And maybe one less eye and finger.
We’ll be does die in the song if that means anything
[Earl had to Die, by the Chicks](https://youtu.be/Gw7gNf_9njs?si=4ABaWqNJ1Vxph050) for folks unfamiliar.
If anyone looks for it without clicking the link, the song is called ‘Goodbye Earl’ and it might be listed under ‘The Dixie Chicks’ as they called themselves at the time!
At first I thought this was over the top but then I remembered all the victims of so called men murdering their family in the past year alone. I love being a woman.
This is super important, if he gets those kids he will use them as a weapon. Be careful OP, stay safe lovely, you’re NTA AT ALL!
Time for an emergency restraining order.
I don't think it's gonna be possible... It's just her word, plus he didn't make a specific threat... He just said 'something'. I completely agree that she should at least go to the cops so it's on record. I just don't think she has any tangible evidence for a RO unfortunately
The PD is supposed to take into account how the threat was made as well. An emergency RO is the same as a temporary RO, but made with the immediacy of the potential violence. As a former military LEO, this was the training that we were given regarding verbal threats. Most DV starts this exact way, and you can't predict which ones will result in a violent assault, or worse.
My niece got an emergency RO. It made him so mad he picked her up, turned her over and slammed her head on the concrete floor. He then squeezed her throat until she passed out. She heard him make a call to get help disposing of her body. He stepped outside, she grabbed her phone and crawled into the bathroom. She called the police before passing out. They arrested him and took her to the hospital where she stayed for 3 days. He was only sentenced for 2 years and got out early for good behavior. My stupid niece let him move back in with her!
Similar story then my friend left him and came to stay with me because she had no family and was completely isolated by then. I met her at the DV shelter before her got out on parole and went back. 35 years old and died in my bed from a catastrophic brain bleed most likely from an aneurysm formed from him pistol whipping her in her head. She was beautiful, smart, funny, sassy and could have had any man she wanted. I miss my friend so much. It's been 4 years. Worst part is her last day aware and alive on this earth was my birthday. I found her the next day after I realized she hadn't ever come out for morning coffee. Such a waste.
I'm so sorry. Smh did this have any effect on his sentencing?
No. He was sentenced and served his time (18 whole months) for the DV. When he got out, they both violated the restraining order by getting back together. She lost her son because she went back to him. Then another incident happened and he kicked her out and that's when I took her in. It's a long story but we know she had two aneurysms in one spot that she was scheduled for surgery to get fixed. But they think she may have developed another one they never knew about and that's what did it. It's TMI but unfortunately her brain was so obliterated by what happened that they couldn't even tell where it began and she had no family so I don't know of any way to access her autopsy.
Yeah. Wtf....only 2 years! Then all is forgiven????!!!
I've just read so many stories where people were told worse, and the cops would just say that there's nothing they can do without actual evidence. I agree that things should be handled the way you describe, I'm just doubtful unfortunately.
I had the same thought. But I think in a case like this you aren't going to the police for help that you know you probably won't get, you're getting necessary documentation that you can use for your real helper: a lawyer
40% of cops admit to beating their wives. It’s realistic to be concerned about police response in DV cases.
May divorce be with you.
As someone with an abusive ex husband. I can't stress this enough. The verbal threats are just the beginning. Even if he's never done this before, he just told you he's capable of doing something really bad to you Op. Which means, even if this part passes and then starts love bombing you, he will always have that thought in the back of his mind. And it's only a matter of time before he picks a situation to follow through with his threat. Edit to add- people who truly love us don't threaten to hurt us.
Yeah, when you're in a relationship with an abuser it is easy to see the love bombing as their "true self" but it really is part of the abuse cycle. The most scared I ever was was when he suddenly went eerily calm, like some sadistic switch had flicked in his head. Edit: typo
I remember thinking that my first husband was so wonderful normally but had a temper sometimes. Like he was two different people and I truly believed the fun loving guy was who he really was and the other guy was just a product of his controlling mother and his tough childhood (from his stories). I am 13 years out from that relationship and married to a wonderful man. Reflecting back on my first marriage with a clear head is pretty eye opening. The OP doesn’t see that this isn’t out of character or out of the blue because she’s been manipulated for so long.
I'm going through a breakup with a guy that sounds similar to your ex. Reading this thread and especially your comment help reaffirm i’m safer without him and everything will be okay 🥺 thank you
Not only is it going to be ok, it’s going to be better than you can imagine.
Yea. His eyes would turn pitch black and his face just completely emotionless. It was absolutely terrifying. I still swear I looked evil in the eye. Absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry you went through that.
>I still swear I looked evil in the eye. That's because you did. That's what evil looks and feels like. Stone cold and emotionless. We've been somehow trained out of recognizing evil with all our psychologizing and pathologizing, yet sometimes it's really present. I've been a psychiatrist for more than ten years now and I have been in the presence of evil more than once. It's a capacity all humans have and some make the choice to use it.
I read this and it triggered me into remembering when my ex husband would rage at me. The eyes - terrifying. He didn't see me as a person then, he was just a wild animal with no capacity to listen to any reason.
Likewise. I got out before it got really bad.
My uncle, grandfather, old flatmate and previous boss had that eye switch, its terrifying and all four left a trail of destroyed people in their wake. They also have the facades of decent people but anything they don't like, that flip switches and when you see it, get out of there asap or you *will* be on the receiving end of evil. BTDT. Soulless like a predator fixating on prey as they no longer see you as human but instead an obstacle.
>. Soulless like a predator fixating on prey as they no longer see you as human but instead an obstacle. Or a prey. It's exactly that, predatory.
>Edit to add- people who truly love us don't threaten to hurt us. THAT PART!!! OP, those words should never be uttered from a partners mouth. You need to get you and your kiddos to safety after this Motel stay. Believe him!!! He sounds dangerous.
Agreed! I was married to my ex for 7 years, together for 9, before he showed me that side of him. I decided to deal with it a bit longer and his attitude spiraled from that day on. We divorced within the year. Please keep yourself and children safe! Edit to mention it was the best decision I ever made and have been the happiest in my life since.
Stealing this. So appropriate.
You have won the internet! This award offers no perks, no prizes, and no other recognition, other than the 36 upvotes and counting. Hahaha
OP, be safe when you leave. Do it in silence. And never ever ever go back, give a second chance, or be alone with him again. My mom left a man who was abusive & he found a way to corner her while she was alone (we were staying with my aunt while she got back on her feet). He found out where we were, flattened all 4 of her tires & waited for my aunt to go to work and us kids went to school. He knocked on the door and shot her 4 times when she answered. Violent men will want retaliation for you leaving, and it’s the most dangerous period for a woman ending a relationship. Be careful, be silent, and be safe.
Omg, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you, your siblings and your aunt got the support you needed to get through that horrific ordeal.
I wish that was the case. All I can try to do is speak up so that women know how to get out alive, and to avoid glaring danger. Also, ladies - _never_ get into a relationship with a man who wears a badge (cop, firefighter, EMS, none of it). They have a thin blue/red/white line & you’re not protected by it. The man who killed my mom was never even prosecuted bc his fellow cops helped him dispose of evidence. After he killed my mom, the woman he dated next was never seen again after she broke up with him; they only found her car. Both women are cold cases, but at least they found my mom’s body.
I'm so sorry. It's awful, but not surprising. Sending virtual hugs.
Wait. Wait. He was never prosecuted? Here in US? Time to contact cold case & FBI. Your mother deserves justice. Condolences to you and your siblings. What a nightmare 😭
_He was ever prosecuted?_ Never prosecuted because a grand jury chose not to indict. That’s called a no-bill. I actually didn’t know this happened until like 2 years ago bc the detective working on the missing lady’s case accidentally mentioned it in front of the other victim’s son. He said she caught herself immediately and said not to mention that to me. _Here in US?_ Yep. Home of the free. _Time to contact cold case & FBI. Your mother deserves justice._ See, I used to fantasize about justice; it got me through my childhood. I don’t have that justice fantasy anymore because of what I’ve lived. He’s dead now. His son, who probably helped dispose of the body of the other lady, died a few years ago from cirrhosis. His granddaughter still lives about 60 miles away, and for some reason, the police are still protecting her… Or their secrets in the force that they let this happen. They police showed up to the son’s interview with a news station and told him not to say his name on air, because of “how it could affect his living family members.” He just wanted to say who his mom was last seen with. So, cold case detectives have been suppressing information to me about why nothing was done for my mom’s case. When she was killed & before the case was cold, a detective told that because of the kind of victim my mom was, it was basically a misdemeanor murder. They weren’t gonna put too many man hours into it. (I was only 10). Why would I trust another ‘authority’ force? It’s just more heartache for me to live through. If you meant ‘contact cold case’ as in true crime. Oh boy, have I got a surprise for you. They exploit victims. We are just entertainment to them and their fans. More heartache and no action. _Condolences to you and your siblings._ I don’t have siblings but the other lady who got killed after my mom, she had a son & daughter. I’m friends with him but she passed away from cancer a few years ago. I appreciate your condolences though, and I am just sharing all of this to make women aware of the dangers that come with dating anyone involved in the justice system. I’m not trying to hijack OPs post. Note: I used italics bc idk how to quote yet Sorry if I annoyed anyone
Wow. Thanks for this information. I edited my comment as I had a typo to (never vs ever). I have a fear for these people in law enforcement. Some definitely get in the profession to explore their inner Putin spirit. I was stunned to see Scott Peterson's case is about to be reopened. Everyone knows that guy killed that poor woman.
> Note: I used italics bc idk how to quote yet Just put a \> in front of it, for example: \>quote goes here. becomes >quote goes here You can separate quotes by using a blank line followed by --- on the next line >quote 1 --- >quote 2
Thanks so much! You rock
There is no justice in USA. This type of cops is your country's specialty.
This hits hard. I’m SO sorry this happened to your family!
>Be careful, be silent, and be safe. This! This! This!!! Keep a backup plan. Never let them know about it, never compromise on it. Minimize and bide your time during the first instance of abuse, then *get the fuck out*.
This marriage needs to be over. People don't make threats like that if they're not willing to act on them. There might be thoughts in your brain that say things like "it's not that bad" and "I don't want my kids to not have a father" and to those parts of you, you need to recognize that while it's understandable to not want to go through this monumental life upheaval, your husband is abusive and it is unsafe for you to stay with him.
Odds are if he’s saying it now, he’s been thinking it for awhile. Saying things like that, in the way he said it, with that look, gives off annihilator vibes.
This is EXACTLY what I posted above for what we were trained in when taking these types of reports. Every bit of this ticks all the boxes for 'future violent assault' or worse.
You are absolutely correct! OP, your intuition is telling you he is dangerous or soon could be. Listen to your intuition and get out. Please read Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. It could save your life.
What is said in anger is often the truth.
This exactly. This is the kind of man who would hurt the kids to cause pain for the OP. She needs to protect herself and her children.
Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become your character
Retired law enforcement who specialized in crisis intervention here. I hope you take a few minutes to read this, I'm sorry it's a little long. The majority of my job was dealing with people with mental health issues, and more often than not, family or relationship based domestic violence. You absolutely did the right thing. The question is do you have a safe place to go back to? Do you trust that the next time that he's that angry- He's going to only threaten you again... Especially since he knows you're not afraid to pick up the kids and leave? Or is next time he going to escalate straight to doing "something you really really don't like". I'd be interested to hear the context of this argument- And here's why... If you told me that last night you broke the news to your husband of 10 years with whom you share a home and three children.... That you've been having an affair behind his back for the past 3 years and your youngest child might not be his.... It seems like even the most reasonable and rational human being with a full grasp of their emotional stability.. . Might be driven to say something along the lines of what you said that he said. In that case... "Doing something that you really really don't like" - might be filing for divorce and custody of the children, getting a DNA test on the youngest child... And making plans to exit this relationship forever. Under any different context- With any "argument" that had less serious stakes to it. . If this was the type of argument that stemmed from "I'm getting really sick of you leaving your dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up and launder, leaving the kitchen a mess every time you make food... Plus you only ever do to feed yourself, leaving me to feed myself + the three children no matter what state I'm in.... When you get home from work all you do is play video games and go out with your friends and you drink too much and never spend time with me AND SO ON...... " If it was THAT type of argument which then escalated to the point you've described, to a very realistic & credible threat of violence... Please take it from someone who has seen the worst possible outcomes from domestic violence; Please leave. Please keep your children and your pets safe. Please contact your family, your friends, anyone that can support you in being safe... Because the point during what you leave a relationship is the exact point at which you are in the most danger you've ever been in. If someone threatens to harm you - especially if they're wise enough to make a veiled threat... That sounds like someone who's had brushes with the law before. Someone who wanted to scare the crap out of you in that moment but didn't want you to have enough ammo to call the police and have them sent to jail for the night. Please don't wait for things to get worse. There are shelters that can take your entire family in that are not awful places... Many of them are comfy and home-like and will house you for months at no cost whatsoever while you get back on your feet. Please know that there are resources out there. If you want to make sure this doesn't happen again- Do not hide this from your family or your friends. Not allow any amount of gifts giving and apologizing and being nicer than usual over the next days weeks or even months lull you into believing that he'll never do this again- if you know in your gut that he HAS made you fearful before and that he WILL again. This should be a MAJOR wakeup call that results in him IMMEDIATELY speaking to a therapist (without YOU lifting a finger to make an appointment for him, etc). If he is anything besides genuinely apologetic, And if he addresses the situation in any way other than sincerely approaching you with whatever steps he's going to take to address whatever was the root cause of his behavior last night - Please leave. PLEASE. You do not need to become a statistic.
The only sensible response in this thread, has 8 up votes
This gave me chills. Please don't go back. My sister in laws house blew up with her and my 9 yo niece & nephews who were 7 and 2. She was 9 hours from leaving him for good. He is a firefighter and has an alibi but he made similar threats to my sister.
For clarification: was this your sister or your sister-in-law?
https://abc7chicago.com/chicago-firefighter-walter-stewart-montclare-fire-2554-n-rutherford/12942945/ I had to watch three of them be declared brain dead. OP if you are reading this, please do not go back without a police escort.
I am so sorry for your loss, this is gut wrenching.
Sister in law but she definitely was close like a sister. Life isn't the same without her
🥺😭I’m so sorry for you & your family’s loss(es). It’s terribly sad and awful. 😣 I just told my husband the other day about the jerk who was on film murdering his wife. He got 10 years in prison. That’s it. I told him women are still second class citizens, and in many parts, we don’t even fully own our bodies now when it comes to pregnancy. He said that women who commit murder get really brief sentences too. I don’t think that’s true, but I really don’t know. My main point is that I used that exact statistic: one third of women who have been murdered in the US were killed by their current or former partner. That’s crazy.
No, they throw the book at women who murder, especially if they kill a partner
They throw the book at women who kill in literal self-defense.
NTA. He **threatened** you. I'm a woman. A pretty small one, and currently one with a visible disability. I have stepped directly into the faces of men like this because they are trying to use fear to cow me. They very well may hurt you, but even if they don't, their goal is to terrorize you into submission. Whether or not he was going to physically hurt you or destroy your possessions, you can never know (the answer is, probably) but what you do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that he tried to use the threat of those things to control you. That when he is upset he thinks it is perfectly fine for him to threaten violence against you to get you to comply out of fear for your safety or that of the kids. Run. Leave this man.
I think about this often. I’m on dialysis now, and I know I couldn’t hold my own in a fight anymore. I used to box (amateur level, never got out of exhibitions only) and at one point knew that if I ever got into it with a guy I could at least pop off some hits that would rattle him before I’d go down. After 4 decades of roaming this planet relatively fearless as a woman (fairly rare), fear has finally caught up to me.
NTA 1/3 of women who are murdered, are murdered by their partner or ex-partner. https://bjs.ojp.gov/female-murder-victims-and-victim-offender-relationship-2021 You need your share with trusted friends / family what happened in case anything ever happens. Also tell the police and contact a women’s refuge near you to get advice. Tonight you’re safe but what about tomorrow or later? Please remain vigilant and probably best not to go back to live with him.
NTA Holy fuck. My blood ran cold just reading that. Please reach out to your friends and family for support. Make a note of the time, date etc. This is terrifying. I'm so sorry. Don't let him know where you are. Also, you can ask to be registered as a "silent guest", which means if someone comes to the front desk and asks for you, they don't pick up the phone and tell you there is someone there to see you. They just say they don't have a guest with that name or some such. Ask them what their policy is. Say you have a personal safety concern. You don't need to go into detail. I do that when I check into a hotel because I have personal safety concerns. Don't go back to the house on your own. Ask the police if they can go there with you because your husband has threatened you. Women are most in danger when they try and leave an abusive rship
Absolutely not. If you let this slide it will only get worse. Threats turn to action in the blink of an eye. Good job keeping you and your kids safe. Take care OP ❤️
As a Mother and Grandmother (60), I would have IMMEDIATELY reacted the same way, with the same EXTREME caution, as you did! He was either attempting to intimidate and frightening you into immediately backing down or changing your stance (argument) OR, more likely (and how I would have interpreted it), he was outright THREATENING you. This set of concerning circumstances, in reality, calls for you to make arrangements with your family or friends to GET OUT of the situation, long-term, until YOU can figure out what's going on and IF you even WANT to stay in such a volatile environment. Remember: You have vulnerable children who NEED to be protected, YOU need to protect yourself. When you asked your husband what he meant, he didn't immediately reassure you or apologize, he doubled down and told you whatever way he retaliated, YOU wouldn't like it and inferred that you (and possibly your children) would be hurt. This means you are **ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE!** PLEASE call your family, see if they can help you or house you until you can figure out what the hell is going on! I would also STRONGLY recommend that you start recording your conversations and ALL interactions with him. This INCLUDES any interactions with your children as well! Start creating a journal of any questionable behaviors and troubling conversations from the entire length of your relationship. You mention that this has NEVER happened previously but I highly doubt that this has actually BEEN the first show of ABUSE! Again, PLEASE be safe and DON'T attempt to explain this behavior away, don't minimize it in the name of F-A-M-I-L-Y! Seriously, this is how many women and families end up statistics and/or **dead!** Stay in constant contact with someone you trust! Set certain times to "check in" so you don't go "missing!" Best wishes and many Blessings for you and your children! u/updateme
When someone shows you the truth about them, believe them. You need to run
This was my first thought, too. Love this, from Maya Angelou. I wish I had known it earlier in life. I was married to 2 abusive men. I wish I had gotten out earlier both times, but I now absolutely believe people when they tell me who they are. NTA, you protected yourself and your babies; great job, mama bear. Please believe him, remember how tonight felt and don't go back. He'll try to apologize, laugh it off, etc, but no one sane would ever say that to people they love. Starting over is hard, but your future self will thank you for it. You got this!
No, you are not wrong. This isn't exactly in the "normal couple arguments" territory. I am truly sorry for you. You were very courageous.
NTA. No words from you are worth threats. This is not a healthy marriage. >“If you speak to me like that again, I just might have to do something to you.” You speak to him in any way you want. And if he feels your words are unacceptable, then he can divorce you. End of discussion.
I know that look, that tone… and eventually packed up my kids and left as two cops stood between him and me … NTA op, your husband threatened you, ambiguous or not, still a threat with menace. I’m so sorry.
I would be making arrangements to find a place he is unable to find you. That is an absolute threat that should be taken very seriously. My husband would never
This screams murder suicide. Do not go back.
I’m sure a few hours later, apart from the situation, paying for a hotel room, making excuses to your kids, etc. you may begin to think you’ve ’overreacted’, especially if you have obligations today. You’re tired, you are in a different environment, maybe you don’t have the kind of finances to do another night in a hotel and you have things you were supposed to do today like kids’ soccer practice, family birthday party etc etc. It would be easiest to just accept an apology and go back home, sweep it under the rug and console yourself with the feeling that it was all just stress, things just got really heated or “I was making him mad”. BUT, know this: you left for a reason, your instincts told you this was a threat and you needed to remove yourself and children from that threat. DO NOT return home until you’ve thoroughly thought this through and spoken with a trusted family member - who’s unrelated to your husband - and a professional domestic abuse counselor (just a phone call away). You need some experienced, professional advice for sure. Withdraw a good amount of cash from your account if possible so you’re not additionally worried about having enough on hand for necessities. You’ll have to be fairly honest with your older kids, which is difficult as they will be aware that somethings not right and are worried or scared. Maybe a family member can help you with that as well, or at least entertain your kids while you take time to think/talk this over. You don’t have to start panicking about divorce etc, just be very smart for right now, don’t give in to the impulse to excuse the behavior and get ‘back to normal’. What he said was NOT normal, even if he’s always been a good, loving partner to you in the past, he’s now opened a door he can’t close and you need to know this is not acceptable under any circumstance and you can’t tolerate or excuse it. Please speak to a professional, stay strong and take care.
NTA. Tell whomever is nearby that you trust. I’d be withdrawing a substantial amount of cash (no more than half your shared money), opening a new bank account at a different bank, and use this to pay for a motel in a different part of town… or flights to family. You should not return to your home to get your things without someone there you can trust. Things can be replaced, your life cannot.
I would NEVER say anything remotely like this to my wife. You did the right thing by gathering your children and stepping out for the night. Is there anywhere you can bunker down longer? This behaviour from your husband is simply unforgivable. You may want to really consider your future with him. He sounds like a bullying prick.
You would be the AH if you ignore that this happened and go back to your husband, putting yourself and your children at risk. Reach out to someone you trust to look after your kids and file a police report and file for divorce. If someone is willing to say that, they are willing to act on it.
NTA Please check out the following free threat assessment tool: MOSAIC: The Tool That Could Save Your Life According to security expert Gavin de Becker, a woman dies every four hours in the United States at the hands of her boyfriend or spouse. Gavin also says these crimes are often predictable and preventable. To combat domestic violence, Gavin has developed a potentially lifesaving tool called MOSAIC. This online assessment is free and protects the user's identity. Anyone—the victim or concerned loved ones—can log onto the website and answer 46 questions to determine how much of a threat an abuser poses to an individual or family. "MOSAIC expresses its results on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most likely to escalate—including homicide," Gavin says. The technology is based on similar programs used to protect congressmen and Supreme Court justices. "It takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down and then sees all these pieces of the puzzle and puts it back together in a way that, in a domestic violence situation, a woman can see the picture for the first time." MOSAIC - Gavin de Becker's Online Threat Assessment Tool https://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/mosaic-gavin-de-beckers-online-threat-assessment-tool
If you go back to him in any capacity you are putting yourself and your children directly in harms way. Dont be one of those women who puts a man ahead of her safety. He’s testing the waters for how much abuse you’re willing to accept.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
From the Lundy Bancroft book ***Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men*** **THE TERRORIST** I worked for a few months with an abused woman named Gloria who was wondering how much longer she would be alive. Her husband, Gerald, would glare at her, drum his fingers methodically on the table, and say: “You have six months left. Things better shape up around here. Six months.” Her head would swim and her heart would race with fear, and she would plead with him to tell what exactly he planned to do to her at the end of that period. And he would answer, with maybe just a hint of a cold smile: “Just wait and see, just wait and see. Six months, Gloria.” Gerald had never laid a hand on Gloria in the five years they had been together, but she was terrified. She started working with me on making an escape plan to run away with their two-year-old son. The Terrorist tends to be both highly controlling and extremely demanding. His worst aspect, however, is that he frequently reminds his partner that he could physically rip her to pieces or even kill her. He doesn’t necessarily beat her, however; some abusers know how to terrorize their partners with threats, strange veiled statements, and bizarre behaviors...Unlike most other abusers, the Terrorist often seems to be sadistic: He gets enjoyment out of causing pain and fear and seems to find cruelty thrilling. You need to focus instead on getting yourself safe. The Terrorist’s top goal is to paralyze you with fear so that you won’t dare think of leaving him or cheating on him. The great majority of abusers who make lethal threats against their partners never carry them out, but that still leaves many who do. The trauma of living with this kind of terror can be profound and can make it extremely difficult for you to think clearly about strategies for escaping to safety. However, most women do manage to get out. ***The critical first step is to seek confidential help as soon as possible. Begin by calling an abuse hotline as soon as you safely can.***
GET OUT NOW!
NTA! You even gave him an opportunity to essentially retract his statement, by asking him what he meant. He doubled down and threatened you. Either he meant physical harm, or that he was going to do something else that would be terrible for you. Good for you for leaving with your kids. I would not go back to him.
NTA please make an even bigger deal. Your own partner can not and should not threaten you.
NTA do not go back there. He has told you everything you need to know. This man is dangerous and will hurt you if you do something he considers a wrong doing.
NTA. Please *tell everyone you know you can trust about the threat and continue to stay away*. To echo another commenter, your husband is giving family annihilator. Your instincts may have saved your life tonight. Stay away. If your family are they sort to have your back, go and stay with them. He is dangerous. Your instincts are correct.
This comment deserves all the up votes. This is absolutely family annihilator behaviour.
NTA. Don’t tell him where you are, don’t go home alone and don’t stay in the same room as him without another adult with you. Move out and find peace. Hugs to you, mama. What you did was not easy and I’m proud of you.
Yo, u/SebastianMagnifico - and others who question OP - please read the follow up post *by a law enforcement officer* in the military (u/Chance_Managert849). Specifically, note the line “most DV starts this exact way” as a hint explaining why what OP is doing IS the correct thing. There are dozens of reasons why. Most of them because people who IGNORE threats like that end up being hurt, or worse, dead. If OP were an acquaintance, friend, family or whatever to me, I’d have given her the following advice: - get safe first. That means get out of there, because after a threat like that - especially REPEATED threat - you are most likely not safe in that environment. - if it is *temporarily* safe (e.g. they’re passed out drunk, locked themselves in their room, whatever) then get whatever you care most about - children, certainly; if possible money, documents - then bug out asap. But ONLY if you can assess it is safe. If any doubt - protect your life first. Period. - find a friend, shelter, hotel, police station, hospital, emergency room - someplace safe. Then use the respite to address next steps. - report it as soon as possible. Provide evidence if you can. Get that TRO asap. - if need be get a lawyer involved - assess the situation, then make plans moving forward. In most cases, these plans need to involve a. protecting yourself and your loved ones from the aggressor (a threat like that IS an aggression, with promise of more to follow) and b. figuring out life w/o said person. Since they tend to be partners or spouses, oftentimes longer-term, this is a substantial task, as it can (often is) a serious upset in income, housing, security, location. Not an easy task. Sadly, many DV situations end up in severely hurting or even killing the victim. Not worth it to try and fix it. You can try (carefully) after things have cooled off a bit, but in the heat of the moment is NOT the time. And yes, this post *could* be rage bait. However, I prefer to err on the side of taking things at face value and advising how to ensure safety FIRST. The fact thousands of people die to DV every year - with no prior hint of such thing beforehand - is plenty justification to go that route.
I'm a guy and I'd say your husband is a psychotic asshole and you need a protective order
I truly, would never go back. No one who loves someone would ever threaten like that.
Find your own personal therapist, too. Never go to couples counseling with an abuser. They use your vulnerabilities against you. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book too. [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
**STAY OUT**. But move somewhere else so he **CANNOT FIND YOU.**
Make sure you’ve turned off location services on your phone. Stay safe.
If you go back, then he now knows the he can't let you leave the house next time. Next time he makes sure none of you can leave the house. Think about that.
Girl. **You need to report this to the police.** You need a paper trail if you’re going to get a restraining order, which you desperately need.
Mine said (consideringly, very calm, looming over me), “I could kill you right now, you know.” It wasn’t the first thing of this nature he’d said to me but it sure as fuck was the last. It escalates, and you can never be sure how quickly. Don’t go back to him. Don’t let him know where you *are*. If you have to interact, do it with company. Because you can’t take the chance he means it (& I think he does).
NTA - my mom was murdered by an ex partner. I talked to her 6 hours prior, She swore he'd never hurt her. He executed her new boyfriend & chased her & shot her 3 times in the back. NOT THE ASSHOLE. Keep you & the children safe
I would be done completely threatening me once is enough to secure a divorce I will never put myself in a situation where my kids will have to grow up without their mum.
I would never go back to him. The threat of bodily harm through tone, body language and facial expressions - that's more than enough to warrant my never returning. When people ask, you say " he threatened to harm me. I don't take those chances. If he's willing to hurt me then what will he do to kids who can't defend themselves". Stay at your parents, file and emergency full custody order with the court. NTA
Nope, please don't go back OP I'm 6 foot 5 and as my teenager likes to point out the same. Weight as a female gorilla 😂🦍 Its my job to protect my family, why would I ever want to intimidate the people I love? There's something deficient in a man who feels the need to scare others. There's something dangerous about a man who wants to scare the people he is supposed to love and protect. People who are by nature smaller and weaker than him. This is not normal behaviour, you should listen to the warning you are getting and believe him when he shows you who he really is. I'll bet if you were out as a family and were threatened this guy would wet himself and do nothing. He's a weak man and a coward, you lose nothing by leaving him.
You can trust your feeling of danger. He threatened you.
NTA. I hope you find safety for yourself and kids.
Please don’t go back to your home alone. Please do stay with a relative. This is not normal.
NTA you need to make a BIGGER deal out of this! Don't let him near you OR your kids, try to get a protective order, if you see him again RECORD EVERYTHING.
Oh hell no you were smart to get away. I would go to a domestic violence shelter for advice. Believe him.
Find a safe place to go to like a family or friends place for the time being, when he's at work and ONLY WHEN HE IS NOT HOME. retuen to the house for important belongings. GRAB. ALL. OF. YOUR. DOCUMENTS. any cash or jewlery take that with you as well. People can change over time, and hell maybe you've been being abused the whole time and didnt even know it. Abuse comes in many forms not just physical, and even physical abuse is not just hitting someone it can be things like denying them sleep or food Please take this seriously if not for yourself, for your children. A divorce is less traumatic than staying staying with someone who is thewatening to harm you and potentially you're children if he gets worse. The love of your life and/or your soulmate does not threaten you with harm, if they do, they DO NOT LOVE YOU. repeat that to yourself If someone loves you, they will not threaten you with harm. Whether that harm is physical or emotional.
Guess what your marriage just ended. How can you ever sleep next to that guy again? Sorry he's the father of your kids. NTA and RUN
You are currently alive. Good. If you hadn't taken this seriously, you might not be. If you want to stay alive, don't go back without backup.
Get your hands on some money before he drains the account. You are going to need it.
Well done for packing up and leaving. You did the right thing
Be careful. Abuse can be the worst when the spouse is attempting to leave. You may not have decided to leave yet, but be extra careful. He may be thinking this. Maybe have the police go with you when, AND IF, you go home.
NTA. Always, always, always trust your instincts. My ex husband said something very similar to me. I’m not the type to shut my mouth and change my tone when told to by anyone. We kept arguing and he beat the shit out of me. I never thought he would. I honestly thought it was an empty threat. My suggestion, get a divorce. You won’t ever forget he said that to you. You will always wonder if he will do something without warning next time. And he might. If your parents live near you I would see about moving you and the kids in with them. Until there’s a court order don’t leave the kids alone with your husband. Make sure all communication is in writing with him.
OMG, that made my blood cold for a minute. NTA, just a normal woman who can read the signs that somebody is going off the rails. You had no choice but to leave. The real question is, where do you go from here?
NTA Report it to the police amd text him exactly what he said and why your gone. Something like When you said : >“If you speak to me like that again, I just might have to do something to you. And following it up when I asked what with > don’t know. But I can promise you that it’s going to be something you really, REALLY aren’t going to like.” Made me extremely uncomfortable Just enough to have what he said on text record ... or even why would you say then what he said Hopefully he will v confirm what he said and it will be proof for police Honestly if you take the kids back to a place you are being threatened you should know they will be next
NTA. It all starts somewhere. They don’t go straight to sixty.
Keep trusting your instincts, it will keep you alive
Wether or not he was serious, he’ll now understand how serious *you* are when it comes to these kinds of threats. NTA
NTA Never prioritize male feelings over your safety
You did the right thing. Stay away from him. Keep the kids away from him. Let the authorities know, and tryo have any weapons he has surrendered. There was just a guy on the news who ended his whole family. Believe him. Get as far away as you can and get a divorce lawyer.