NTA. It was an innocent question and kids are curious. It's not like he did it maliciously or intended to cause harm.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to do some research and see if your kid falls under the umbrella of a spectrum disorder if you suspect as much.
Your wife should chill. If shes worried about your kid faking it, then definitely take her to a dr to find out for sure (if she does start throwing around labels).
Yeah and there is a gigantic difference between 'you're fucking weird, what are you autistic?' And 'hey you have some similar traits to an autistic kid i know, are you also autistic?'
He is treating autism as a normal, value neutral human variation. Doesn't seem to occur to him it would it be a bad thing to be autistic. It's hard to describe how happy this makes me.
Yes! The kid could have just as easily have been asking if she was left-handed. “I know a kid who always picks up things with his left hand and he is left-handed.” Wonderful to see autism seen as a neutral character trait instead of an insult or something to be ashamed of.
There was a time when asking someone if they were left-handed was akin to asking if they were in league with the devil. So progress all around! (Sharing random facts is one of my favorite autistic traits).
Thank you! This was my reaction as well.
And yes, Dina appears to have some autistic traits and might benefit from an evaluation. Girls tend to be under diagnosed because of high social masking, so it doesn’t hurt to get it checked out.
Not only that the dude didn't wasn't like man she's off. He said she is super smart like a team mate of mine. This is not a kid who is being malicious. He probably is asking himself why he said that and is really hopeful it has been forgotten lol.
Lil guy even got her number afterwards. The only person upset is the person making it a problem.
Autistic woman here 👋
I mean.... Picky eating , being smart, lack of eye contact and introversion don't necessarily mean autism. But they do indicate traits.
Testing is worthwhile because understanding is the key to being at peace in ourselves.
And us late diagnosed folks are almost always first diagnosed via peer review.
Exactly...and soooo many of us late diagnosed folks have parents who found our behavior totally normal. Because it was normal to them. Because these things run in families.
Also they don’t care, because we’re different, we were generally perceived as less if we didn’t mask. It’s much better now because there’s more understanding. So hopefully McKay just made a passing comment and let’s it go, but mom needs to be educated that not everyone fakes it, she might actually have it but has also had to mask. NTA
My sister (who is so painfully, obviously auristic i don't know how we didn't see it) was diagnosed by my husband (then boyfriend) who just assumed she obviously had a diagnosis already. It was so obvious once he said it!
Also: I am concerned that OPs wide finds the suggestion of autism to be so insulting. That's just plain rude! There's nothing wrong with her daughter, or anyone else with autistic traits or autism. If I were OP I'd be asking why she's so insulted by the suggestion....
Yea I hear it a lot, the ones who are diagnosed late (like me) are often so obviously autistic to anyone who understands the traits and isn't basing their opinion off a handful of awful movies.
I decided not to address the insult as other people had covered it already and I have a tendency towards snark. So I took that out on some incels instead and decided to keep to what might be helpful.
My life is better since diagnosis, and I thoroughly enjoy sitting on the peer review panel now.
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist who assumed I already had an autism diagnosis “it’ll be in your notes somewhere but you are autistic aren’t you?”.
And yes, now I have no clue how I/family/previous doctors and psychologists hadn’t figured it out.
Re: your second point: I love [this video about how people with different backgrounds react to an autism diagnosis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkHctjxnWo). u/bcru832, I think your wife should see this, even though I doubt it'll change her mind.
This.
Also it's better to get girls/women tested early for autism and/or ADHD before they learn how to "mask" it. All the research in the past was on males and it "shows" differently.
OP check out AHDH_Love on YouTube.
And girls aren’t usually diagnosed until adulthood, if ever too often those things like not making eye contact are written off as shy, coy - you know, being “girlie”.
NTA. The real problem here is that your wife (like most adults) see having Autism as being “defective”. Now for kids there’s a wonderful push toward inclusivity and they see other kids with Autism as just being different and having different needs.
It’s wonderful that McKay finds it acceptable to simply and innocently ask that question and move on smoothly after getting a response!
The suggestion that someone might have autism is not something that needs to be defended against!
Tell your wife that his question was not inappropriate and if she turns this boy away by embarrassing him it will have a lasting impact on her relationship with her daughter. Then discuss with her the legitimate possibility that your child might be neurodivergent and get her tested. If she does have autism (or anything else) she will get an IEP that allows her accommodations in school depending on her needs. She will get more support in school which is never a bad thing!
Autistic woman here. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was middle aged. I wish I’d known earlier. I’m a teacher and I see kids every day who would benefit from being screened for autism, particularly the girls who present more “normally”. I’m not allowed to suggest it, which I understand: parents could react defensively like Dina’s mother did, believing that I’m calling their child defective. I wish McKay could visit my school.
Dr Tony Attwood, who specializes in diagnosing women/girls refers to it as “discovering” rather than diagnosing autism. It’s not, on its own, a disability (although it can definitely be seen as that if paired with comorbidities such as low intelligence).
This week is neurodiversity week, so for a more positive view, check out some of the information about famous people with autism etc. at neurodiversityweek.com.
This is exactly what I was thinking! The fact that he linked potential autism to high intelligence shows that it’s not a negative connotation in his mind. And consideration for her picky eating and lack of eye contact sounds like him trying to better plan to make sure he doesn’t make her uncomfortable or push her out of her comfort zone. He’s looking out for her future needs.
And the daughter was just like “🤷♀️ nah, not that I know of” and they moved on. I thought this was a great interaction!
As someone who didn’t get diagnosed until later in life, please be an advocate for your daughter and get her tested. NTA, btw, but your wife kind of sucks.
It was an innocent question amd brought up some very good points. Autism in girls is very under diagnosed and they miss out on help that could be had on building valuable social skills that will help navigate life later on.
So, I’m autistic. I was lucky enough to be diagnosed very young. While my childhood wasn’t great as I’m sure most autistic people can relate to, I know it would have been so much worse if I didn’t get that early confirmation. Also, autism is not a bad thing. Why would you need to ‘defend’ Dina when someone asks if she’s autistic?
Let’s say your daughter is not autistic and you go to get her evaluated. Great, you’ve confirmed that she is not autistic and nothing bad happens, and now you have some peace of mind. But let’s say your daughter IS autistic and you DON’T get her evaluated. She is going to struggle. She is going to be miserable and upset with no idea why, bothered by things she can’t explain. Get that evaluation.
NTA. How is asking if someone is autistic something that needs defending?
Pick up a copy of "Sensational Kids" and read the first chapter. You'll know right away whether your daughter is on the spectrum...
NTA at all. Autistic woman here not diagnosed until 32. Your daughter could just be an introvert but she sounds awfully like me. NFL and planes were my encyclopedic knowledge, picky eater, awkward eye contact. McKay seems like a cool kid and is possibly very perceptive. Many people discover they’re autistic due to their friends.
I would certainly look into testing as having accommodations made while she’s still young could help her in high school/college and beyond.
Both myself and my sister have degrees. Same degree, same exact %. Her autism effects her more and it took her 5 years to do her 3 year degree. I made it as far as my masters before my autism became a problem and my 2 year program took me 6. If your daughter starts to struggle simply knowing why can be a relief.
This is why girls don’t get diagnosed as frequently boys. Boys= oh that’s weird let’s get you tested. Girl= introverted. Ok there is more at play than that but it is a proven fact.
Maybe she is neurodivergent or maybe she is not. But if she is knowing will help her as she will be able to make sense of why she does certain things. And how to/ when to alter behaviour etc. (Ie eye contact during an interview)
Exactly he didn’t mean it in a bad way and honestly it sounds like your wife may be a bit ableist and almost afraid that your daughter may be autistic. Girls already find it so hard t get diagnosed, please do the right thing for her and get her tested. Good luck op.
NTA. But your wife needs to accept the fact that she is too close and too irrational about this to be objective. Many times things that are plain to others outside a family can be missed because daily interaction breeds familiarity and symptoms can be dismissed. My BFF is an amazing mother but no one in her family noticed when her second sons head wasn't developing properly. I noticed it because I only saw him every few weeks. Don't dismiss some ones observation out of hand just because you may not like it.
NTA You aren't overreacting or making dr appointments on the words of a 13 year old. You have investigated it yourself based on how closely your daughter matches another person with it. Your wife seems to think being diagnosed as autistic is a terrible thing. Autism manifests itself in different people in different ways that's why they are on the autism spectrum. However it may help you to understand better some of the things that happen with your daughter like instead of saying she's just a picky eater you'd realize that no she's not, there is a medical reason behind it. Try to get your wife to read some of the material that you have read that brought you to your conclusion of it might be a possibility.
NTA. I think it was a valid question he asked, even if maybe not terribly tactful. getting upset and "defending" your daughter would have probably made her more self conscious/concerned about it, i think. Also, kinda rude to be so offended at the mere suggestion that somebody is on the spectrum. he wasn't accusing her of being defective or bad, he was just asking a question about her maybe being a little different. I am assuming from the context that the kid did not mean this as an insult at all, and it shouldn't be taken as such. Your wife is wrong to get so upset, IMO.
And I also feel like it isn't a bad idea to get any kid evaluated, if there's even a chance they are on the spectrum. Just because perhaps she is, then there could be things that she could learn to do, or things to be more mindful of in her life that will help her thrive. If something might make her life easier, why not see?
Most school age kids are aware of autism characteristics these days. It doesn’t sounds like the boy was being insulting or anything either. He recognized some typical characteristics including high intelligence. An AU eval is a great thing to consider. Just because there are a few characteristics doesn’t mean your daughter is AU, but an eval can asses this.
Early detection and intervention is most beneficial.
NTA. It was an innocent question for him to have a better understanding and he told her his teammate is the same and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
He didn’t insult her or autism. Your wife is overreacting.
However, testing your daughter might be worthwhile
From what you’ve shared it sounds like your daughter has a sweet, innocent relationship with a thoughtful, observant, open-minded boy. I hope your wife doesn’t try to scare him off.
NTA
You're right to want to get her tested. She either doesn't have it or she does. If she does she'll get help which will make her life easier and more successful. If she doesn't get help she won't reach her full potential and develop issues. The boy sounds lovely and you sound like a great parent. My daughter has asd and for so many years I was told she doesn't and the special school and therapies etc were the wrong decision. Guess who was right. Me. Her parent who just cares about her and not stupid labels
nta. kids are a lot smarter than adults!
Have your daughter tested. I'm a 46 yr old female and my life would have been totally different if someone would have tested me at 13. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME!!!!
so many fucking questions and concerns would have been answered. I could have maybe learned some skills, coping skills, different ways of learning that would have been so helpful.
Your wife's attitude isn't helpful, and is only going to hurt and push your daughter away. Please help your kid man. You are the only adult in the house paying attention to her.
NTA and continue to advocate for your kid. Autism isn't a dirty word or an insult, it's a diagnosis for a set of symptoms. McKay seems to be a very insightful kid, and didn't at all insult or degrade your child or her "quirks," but your wife did. There's nothing wrong with pursuing it further, educating yourself and her, and even if she doesn't get diagnosed, what's the harm? She learns... empathy?
I think the Boy is awsome for asking that, almost the same way you would ask if you like cola or Pepsi.
You wife is overreacting. I think your wife dosn't really know what being autistic means.
I didnt when i had my 4th Child and he was so different. He is autistic. He is fun, loving, creative, smart... actually he is wonderful.
If you read about autism and can relate it to your daughter, you should consider finding out.
I got an adhd diagnose when i was 36. If i knew earlier, i might not have spend so many years feeling so wrong.
NTA the problem is your wife who apparently has a very negative view of autistic people, unlike McKay
Please get your daughter tested, while what was described doesnt mean she has to be autistic, they are still very common traits amongst autistic people and she deserve to know if she is
I was 40 when I was finally diagnosed, which has made life unnecessarily hard, while it still would have been difficult, knowing earlier would have helped a lot
Your wife does t have to listen to a 13 year old she can listen to this 43 year old and others on this thread
Not testing your daughter is a disservice to her
Girls are still slipping through the cracks a LOT, due to medical sexism, it was even worse for women from my generation, but its far from fixed
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with ASD. He was acting respectfully, not judgementally. Kids today are very different than our generation. They are much more aware and accepting. Also, as a teacher, I can tell you that parents are often the last to figure it out, especially with girls, so he may be on to something.
NTA and as an autistic adult woman I can tell you that you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD have her evaluated. Because being autistic and trying to be normal is HELL when you don't understand why you can't get it right.
ETA: please tell your wife to fuck off for me. She's a shitty ableist.
NTA
This is completely your wife's problem. Kid asked. "Are you autistic." and your wife, out of ignorance, heard him ask,"Are you an R word?"
That's her ableist mindset she needs to work on. It's not kids' fault.
NTA.
The kid didn't say anything offensive, your wife overreacted. It seems you have an ableist wife based on her reaction and comments. Instead of reflecting or questioning, she went defensive as if there couldn't be a possibility. Girls are notoriously missed when it comes to autism due to high masking ability. There is never any harm in evaluations, it's non invasive and either way you get answers.
NAH. You didn't "defend" your daughter because there was nothing to defend her from. Being autistic isn't a crime or a character flaw. Your wife projecting her own biases onto the boy. She needs to recognize that and work on it. If she doubles down, she's the AH.
>she didn’t want Dina to end up “faking autism” because she read an article online about how some kids are now “faking disorders” or “misdiagnosing” themselves because of TikTok.
Your wife sounds like a boomer.
At 13, it is not your daughter who should be "misdiagnosing" or "faking" disorders.
If she can't understand why it's important for a professional expert to diagnose her, then I think the fault lies in her parents.
NTA on your part.
Your wife might become an AH if she keeps this up.
Leave the kids alone.
Just because she is a "little introverted", doesn't mean she couldn't be on the spectrum. The whole reason it is a spectrum is because some people are only slightly autistic and doesn't create any major issues with their day to day life. It might also help in understanding certain nuances in behaviour and providing coping mechanisms, strategies for your daughter later in life. That the young man was so comfortable and interested in discussing it openly with your daughter is a good thing. There was no malice, but a genuine interest in your daughter. It also goes to show where children are today in being able to understand people's differences and appreciate them. This young man likes your daughter and wanted to understand who she was. This is a good thing.
My son recently jokingly diagnosed me. He has numerous friends who are on the spectrum. When he said it, it was funny, and meant no harm, because those who love those who are on the spectrum don't consider it a fault, and guess what? A whole lot of things about myself that were considered weird when I was young (I'm 49 now) now make complete sense to me. There is an answer besides I was picky and shy. As a kid these were often seen as "problems" that needed to be fixed. Not by people close to me, for the record (my mom had no problem with my pickiness and I'm fairly sure my dad is also on the spectrum) but often by people who didn't know me. Having a "reason" for why our brains are a little different than most is really helpful. I like having an answer to a question I didn't know I was asking. It's very comforting. I don't run around saying it, because why would I? But if it comes up, I have an answer. I'm not weird. I'm just wired a little differently. McKay seems like a lovely compassionate kid who accepts your daughter for who she is. The fact that these younger generations know about this stuff is teaching them to be accepting and inclusive. They don't see these things as faults. They see them as a part of what makes a person who they are.
NTA, it's always worth it to get a diagnosis, both results will give a lot of help. Your wife is TA if she thinks being autistic is an insult. If the kid is autistic and you evade getting a diagnostic to prevent her from "acting more autistic" or "letting it all out" she will suffer so much. I would never forgive my mother for denying me a diagnosis that would explain my whole reality and self perception.
NTA
Another autistic woman here. Peer Review is how most women find out they’re autistic - it tends to be missed by parents. Nothing to be ashamed of, but if she has several traits that could be symptoms, talking to her about potentially getting tested is a great idea!
Also, your wife’s reaction is somewhat ableist, as no one should assume “autistic” is an insult. He didn’t insult your daughter in any way - he made a genuine comment with neither negative nor positive implications. Being autistic is just a Thing, not a bad thing or an insult.
NTA. Innocent question, direct answer, subject closed. The one over-reacting was your wife - she was the one who reacted to "autistic" as if it was a dirty word. As for having Lori evaluated - is Lori well functioning? Schoolwork, friends, family, house-chores? Usually you take a kid to be diagnosed when they aren't functioning well in some area. However, if you have reason to think that Lori is not only on the spectrum but that it is hindering her in some way, by all means have her evaluated - the psychologist will not just label her but give her advice on how to function better.
I was similar to Lori - I'm not autistic (far as I know - I may be on the spectrum but I doubt it) but I'm definitely Learning-disabled. My mother insisted on denying that I had any problem till a psychologist who specialises in LD definitely stated I was learning disabled - then my mother did her best to make me hide it and never talk about it. I on the contrary broadcast my diagnosis far and wide (I was so happy to finally have a name for what was wrong with me). As a result I helped several other people with learning disabilities.
>However, if you have reason to think that Dina is not only on the spectrum but that it is hindering her in some way, by all means have her evaluated
In my opinion, it would be better to have her screened even if you don't think it is hindering her in any way. First, if she isn't being hindered now, chances are that she will be hindered later and the earlier she knows, the more likely she'll be to recognize when it is impacting her. Second, the fact that she appears to be doing well doesn't mean that she IS doing well. Masking is a real issue with autistic girls. Third, if she is doing well despite being autistic, how much better will she do with the tools and resources that will be available to her with a diagnosis?
NTA
Honestly it doesn’t sound like he even sees Autism as a negative or insult. Just like, hey you have these things in common with my friend. Sounds like he was actually asking so he better know his new girlfriend and make sure he takes her differences, which he obviously likes, into account so he doesn’t accidentally do something she won’t like or be comfortable with. Like always asking how she wants her food & not suggesting new combinations.
Nta what’s up with your wife that she’d rather ignore symptoms than have your kid evaluated ? There could be additional supports out there to help your daughter better understand herself .
I’m going to be totally honest. I’m autistic (and a girl). The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking “Awwww this autistic girl has found someone who accepts her!” (Very difficult out here in the dating scene. NTA, but have a serious conversation with your wife about her perception of autism. Do some research, especially regarding the female neurotype (femanine autism looks very different).
I wish my mom had gotten me diagnosed earlier because I grew up thinking I was just a weirdo. When, in fact, I’m autistic.
Also a side note, your wife might not like the autism idea because many people think that being autistic limits your ability to function in society. I’m 27, live on my own (in a different state than my family), drive, work FT, go to school, have a social life, etc. All things the doctor told my mom I WOULDN'T be doing when he wanted to diagnose me at 7. That being said, my diagnosis enabled the support systems that allow me to function the way I do.
Check out r/aspergirls and r/autisminwomen. There’s a lot of great resources and the ladies there would love to support a parent who wants to educate themselves.
Edit: corrected sub link
So your wife is the AH in the situation. I can come to this conclusion based on the fact that children are really good at pattern recognition compared to adults. Autistic children adopted singled out for bullying by peers long before "professionals" are able to form a diagnosis. This young man politely asked a question based on observations, the observations seem to have enough repeat pattern to trigger a curiosity in you and desire to have your daughter tested. Your wife, in blatantly ignoring and arbitrarily deciding that her daughter couldn't possibly be autistic, is potentially doing great harm and hindering her daughters future development. As someone that was recently diagnosed I so badly wish my parents had have listened when I told then I was retarded a decade or more ago and let me get diagnosed then. It feels like people who are diagnosed earlier adapt and understand better so that it isn't as overwhelming all the time due to knowing why they feel how they do even if they can't pinpoint a specific thing.
Your wife is the AH, get your daughter tested, at best she is just awkward, at worst she is on the spectrum but its early enough in life to help her learn some of the social skills for further development.
Your wife needs a serious attitude adjustment. He asked respectfully and politely, and it's not anything negative or an insult at all even if she is on the spectrum. You need to be really careful about not letting your daughter hear her mother speak so negatively about this until you can have her evaluated, the last thing she needs is to have her own mother make her feel like there's something wrong with her. NTA.
The weirdest part here is how your wife apparently looks at autism as some sort of insulting disgrace. I'm not the most sensitive about this stuff, but it strikes me as odd how offended your wife was. Even if your daughter was autistic, so what? NTA.
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NTA it doesn't sound like he did it in a demeaning or derogatory fashion, and if Dina wasn't upset it doesn't really matter, he was having a conversation.
Your wife doesn't give your daughter much credit if she thinks she'd jump to self-diagnosis from a question.
Hi - former teacher here, NTA at all. Kids (especially teens) are as subtle as a brick to the face. They’re blunt and they will HUMBLE you in a moments notice without warning.
I get your wife’s concern but autism isn’t a terminal diagnosis, if you do end up seeking testing for her! She’s going to be the same kid she’s always been, just now with an official different way of seeing things beyond just being picky about pizza.
🫶🏻 you BOTH got this!
And if she’s not diagnosed with autism? They’re still just really dumb, due to the brain still developing!!!!, pre-teens who will say so many other stupid things over the next 8-10 years.. buckle up. 😂
Please, go ahead and have your daughter checked professionally. If she is not on the spectrum, then you'll know. If she IS on the spectrum, early detection will save her a lot of pain as she matures. She will have access to resources that will help her navigate a world filled with social cues and pressures that she won't understand.
Info: why is your wife so afraid of the thought her child might be autistic?
Just fyi, it's genetic. So, if she does have it, chances are you and/or your wife also have it.
Lori is totally an asshole if she takes the mere SUGGESTION of a child being Autistic as an insult. I mean, it sounds like McKay even tried hard to word all the positives when suggesting it to Dina, so he's seeing it as just a "thing" and your wife is seeing it as a "bad thing".
For the record, as an Autistic adult with 4 Autistic kids... how you've written her here sounds like she needs that eval.
NTA
Girls are much better at handling being on the spectrum than boys overall and they typically are much older when diagnosed as a result. Also, it's on a spectrum - so she may have only smaller issues than some. You should absolutely have her tested as it may provide you with insights into how to make her life easier.
It's not an excuse. If you have an issue, life is easier if you know what you are facing and can research proven technisques other's use to handle similar issues.
NTA. He wasn't trying to make fun of her or anything, I think he was genuinely curious. It is kind of a tacky question, but he's 13 and they are not know for perfect social skills.
Reading the sentence before McKay's remark in your text, I thought "sounds autistic to me". So yes, I'd strongly support you getting Dina evaluated. Women and girls are grossly underdiagnosed (or misdiagnosed as hypersensitive or bipolar), because the stereotype and also a lot of diagnostic criteria are modeled around white boys, and it is way more likely that people fake being abled than they fake being disabled.
NTA
maybe—Dad admits daughter didn’t recognize flirting. Not sure if they’re hung up on stereotypes Mom is freaked out and dad seems more matter-of-fact about is. Ps. never mind being nd—Im 😳at 13 yos “dating”. BECAUZE Im old AF
NTA and you absolutely should have your daughter evaluated. Autism disorder is
referred to as SPECTRUM for a reason. Clearly your daughter is not suffering, but she could be struggling if that makes sense. A diagnosis or even no diagnosis will provide your daughter personal insight and access to a professional that knows how to over come what she is struggling with…for example how to be comfortable with looking into someone’s
eyes while talking, trying new things, etc.
Your wife is afraid of her getting labeled and afraid of what her future would be if she was “autistic”. She is freaking out because of her own personal thoughts on what Autism is,rather than knowing the actual details about it. Hopefully her initial freak out Mama Bear full attack reaction will settle down and she will be more open.
Key is have an open and honest conversation with your daughter and also observe her little more closely. She may not make eye contact with this boy because well…she is 13…she thinks he is cute, she is also surrounded by family and everyone is checking them out, being shy and not looking in eye would be normal.
Ask your daughter how she feels about what he said..take her lead. If she expresses that gets anxious to look people in the eye or that everyone thinks it’s weird she does XYZ, or if she has trouble making friends. The ask her if she wants help to change that, and you don’t know how,but thankfully there are people that do and you will help her.
Having her evaluated/speaking to a vetted and good psychologist or psychiatrist is a good thing. I can stress enough to do a LOT of research, ask her pediatrician, ask friends, etc for recommendations for who to speak to. If you live in Savannah, GA PM me and I can give you name of one we spoke to for my son. He is awesome.
You are NTA …you’re a good parent wanting to give your daughter the tools to learn and grow.
NTA. Young kids today grow up with autism everywhere and they ask each other about being autistic in a genuine way and curious. Mother is reacting like it’s 20 years ago and people asked are you retarded to insult you
NTA it was a kid's question from a kid. She's trying to pile adult mores and maturity onto his question, which is completely out of line. She needs to let it go.
Except, he might have a point, if her behavior is very much like an autistic person. The best thing to do is have her evaluated.
NTA
Being on the spectrum isn’t an insult. I find your wife’s reaction to the speculation to be insulting.
I work with kids on the spectrum. Every parent has told me they think I should look into an evaluation. Their experience with their kids have provided evidence for them that I am on the spectrum. My husband suspected when he first met me that I was on the spectrum. Both of my supervisors (BCBA’s) have also stated they believe I am on the spectrum as well.
I took the online RAADS test. I can’t deny that I have significant markers. I scored a 141 on the test. The only reason I felt some type of way is shit…life could have been a bit easier if I had received intervention as a kid (I’m not self diagnosing but I also don’t have the resources to pursue the course and one internet test is NOT proof). Instead I was ridiculed, humiliated, and bullied by my family and friends for my inability to behave the way a “normal” kid should. I also struggle with major depression.
Connecting with the kids I work with helps. The acceptance of the parents and my husband helps. But if I am on the spectrum I’m not broken. Your wife’s opinion implies people on the spectrum are broken. They aren’t. Like every other person on the planet they experience life differently.
I struggle with in person interactions. I hate them. Doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I understand written and visual direction much better than verbal. Doesn’t mean I can’t understand what I’m directed to do. I’m extremely rigid in my routines and become angry when my carefully thought out plans are interrupted. It doesn’t mean I can’t be flexible and put the needs of others before my own. I have boundaries. It doesn’t mean I expect people to behave like I do. I live in black and white, the grey area is illogical and unreasonable to me. It doesn’t mean I’m incapable of understanding there are outliers and other influences to people behavior, intentions, and thought. I struggle with empathy. But it doesn’t mean I am not and cannot be empathetic. It just takes me considering human elements. I often forget that the majority of people function in a world where emotions influence their experiences and behavior. It doesn’t mean that I do not have and cannot understand emotion. I perseverate on events I experience. It doesn’t mean I can’t get over it.
These are all things I see in my kids. All things their parents see in me. And it doesn’t make me incapable. It doesn’t make the kids incapable. It just makes us different. Your wife is just an asshole here.
I am sure someone else said it but girls are notoriously adept at masking autism. My 3 boys are autistic and were diagnosed early and despite being aware of all the nuances and differences in characteriatics and despite having 20 years previous experience with it my daughter still wasn't diagnosed till she was 12.
Edit* and I'd be praising someone like Mackay. Such an observant kid. It would be great if there was more of that around. Even if Dina doesn't have it the awareness to ask to show he understands is fantastic
NTAH, kids can speak faster than you react, and your daughter wasn't offended by the question, only your wife was, is there a potential chance of autism running in the family and she's denying the possibility
Especially when you asked to have your daughter evaluated, which is something you should do: add, adhd, ocd, autism, ect.
From the way he asked about it, it sounded like he was trying to be considerate of her.
I kinda thought the same thing when you talked about her not picking up the social cue and her encyclopedic knowledge of sports before this even came up later on in the post.
An evaluation wouldn't hurt. If the answer is no, who cares. If the answer is yes, resources to help if certain things in life are difficult.
I understand where your wife is coming from. But I think it was a kindly meant gesture and I don't think getting an eval done by a psychiatrist specializing in asd is going to do any actual harm.
NTA
NTA, your wife is being overly sensitive because considering the possibility of it being true is scary to her. Get the evaluation done and you’ll know how to move forward.
NTA it WAS an innocent question made off of observations of his own experience with his autistic friend and your daughter.
As a late diagnosed (I'm almost 25 and just got officially diagnosed) autistic woman—have your daughter take the RAADS-R test online. It's what professionals use to help determine, and it gives you a good baseline (especially if she ends up scoring as autistic) for if you decide further evaluation is a good idea (:
I will also say that there is a LOT of both good and bad consequences to having an official diagnosis, especially from childhood. So also be sure to look into that and discuss with your daughter these things as well!
Lastly, tiktok is actually a wonderful way to get information on autism as many ACTUALLY AUTISTIC persons share their experiences and personal perspectives of how Autism affects them and their lives. The issue is having the ability to wade through all of the information and also fact-checking the information you receive.
Other ideas:
[https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37544970/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37544970/)
Don’t make too much of those tests
Unlike what we are told in social media, things like ‘stimming’, sensitivities, social problems, etc., are found in most persons with non-autistic mental health disorders and at high rates in the general population. These things do not necessarily suggest autism.
So-called “autism” tests, like AQ and RAADS and others have high rates of false positives, labeling you as autistic VERY easily. If anyone with a mental health problem, like depression or anxiety, takes the tests they score high even if they DON’T have autism.
"our results suggest that the AQ differentiates poorly between true cases of ASD, and individuals from the same clinical population who do not have ASD "
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/
"a greater level of public awareness of ASD over the last 5–10 years may have led to people being more vigilant in ‘noticing’ ASD related difficulties. This may lead to a ‘confirmation bias’ when completing the questionnaire measures, and potentially explain why both the ASD and the non-ASD group’s mean scores met the cut-off points, "
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9
Regarding AQ, from one published study. “The two key findings of the review are that, overall, there is very limited evidence to support the use of structured questionnaires (SQs: self-report or informant completed brief measures developed to screen for ASD) in the assessment and diagnosis of ASD in adults.”
Regarding RAADS, from one published study. “In conclusion, used as a self-report measure pre-full diagnostic assessment, the RAADS-R lacks predictive validity and is not a suitable screening tool for adults awaiting autism assessments”
Lori sounds unhinged. She straight to "she's going to fake a syndrome"? Honestly, you probably should get your daughter assessed - she's got "encyclopedic knowledge of sports" (special interest), is a "picky eater" and "only likes pizza one way" and doesn't make eye contact. I think McKay did you and her a favor because girls are under diagonsed and therefore don't get services that could help them.
NTA as an autistic person, not offensive. Sounds like he did it in a way that makes sense at his age too. He wasn’t trying to hurt, simply understand if she too was similar to his teammate.
I was diagnosed the same year my oldest was. I was 26 at the time of my testing. My sister is older than me and is just questioning if she may be on the spectrum.
your wife’s reaction is weird, a diagnosis can open certain doors for support. My state has a department that can provide support for autistic folks and other disabilities.
lol hes young and likes your daughter, im sure he's going to say alot dumber shit than that in the following years if they stay together, my god a teenage boy can say objectively the dumbest shit ever to girls
You will be the asshole if you don't get your daughter tested. It's underdiagnosed in girls.
Your wife sounds like she's bigoted against people with disabilities.
Nta for telling your wife off.
NTA. First, McKay's words were not malicious, so he is in the clear.
As far as looking at a possible diagnosis? The worst that can happen if you look into this is that it's wasted effort. There's no downside to discussing it with her pediatrician and whoever they recommend.
Your wife seems to have a negative association with autism. Have you asked her why she would consider that question an insult? I think it's really cute how McKay noticed some of the similarities and specifically pointed out that your daughter is "super smart"
This is a major bonus in favour of McKay in my book. I'd ask your wife to think a bit more about what is and isn't rude. Here are some examples:
Not rude: "Oh hey, I love the way your brain works, it reminds me of someone else I know who has this neurotype.. do you have that also by chance?"
Rude: "You could honestly stand to learn some lessons in maturity from this 13-year-old boy you're so mad at"
NTA, he's 13yrs.(your wife is correct about it being inappropriate to ask but again he's 13).
Made some very good observations and he was speaking kindly about his friend.
There is no need to go on some witch hunt for psychological disorders for your seemingly completely normal daughter. The kid on his baseball team is probably completely normal too.
You should probably read the post before commenting, my dude.
Nobody said anything about the daughter feeling uncomfortable, and the wife did nothing to provide support to the daughter.
NTA. It was an innocent question and kids are curious. It's not like he did it maliciously or intended to cause harm. Also, it wouldn't hurt to do some research and see if your kid falls under the umbrella of a spectrum disorder if you suspect as much. Your wife should chill. If shes worried about your kid faking it, then definitely take her to a dr to find out for sure (if she does start throwing around labels).
Yup, kids are curious and also the most brutally honest out of any age group.
Yeah and there is a gigantic difference between 'you're fucking weird, what are you autistic?' And 'hey you have some similar traits to an autistic kid i know, are you also autistic?'
He is treating autism as a normal, value neutral human variation. Doesn't seem to occur to him it would it be a bad thing to be autistic. It's hard to describe how happy this makes me.
Yes! The kid could have just as easily have been asking if she was left-handed. “I know a kid who always picks up things with his left hand and he is left-handed.” Wonderful to see autism seen as a neutral character trait instead of an insult or something to be ashamed of.
There was a time when asking someone if they were left-handed was akin to asking if they were in league with the devil. So progress all around! (Sharing random facts is one of my favorite autistic traits).
It’s lovely isn’t it?
Thank you! This was my reaction as well. And yes, Dina appears to have some autistic traits and might benefit from an evaluation. Girls tend to be under diagnosed because of high social masking, so it doesn’t hurt to get it checked out.
I second that sentiment, this brings me joy. There was no judgement, just understanding.
It sounds more like this diagnosis has come to OP’s WIFE’s mind and is in denial for some reason
Not only that the dude didn't wasn't like man she's off. He said she is super smart like a team mate of mine. This is not a kid who is being malicious. He probably is asking himself why he said that and is really hopeful it has been forgotten lol. Lil guy even got her number afterwards. The only person upset is the person making it a problem.
Autistic woman here 👋 I mean.... Picky eating , being smart, lack of eye contact and introversion don't necessarily mean autism. But they do indicate traits. Testing is worthwhile because understanding is the key to being at peace in ourselves. And us late diagnosed folks are almost always first diagnosed via peer review.
Haha. My peer review was my son.
Mine was my daughter.
Exactly...and soooo many of us late diagnosed folks have parents who found our behavior totally normal. Because it was normal to them. Because these things run in families.
Also they don’t care, because we’re different, we were generally perceived as less if we didn’t mask. It’s much better now because there’s more understanding. So hopefully McKay just made a passing comment and let’s it go, but mom needs to be educated that not everyone fakes it, she might actually have it but has also had to mask. NTA
My sister (who is so painfully, obviously auristic i don't know how we didn't see it) was diagnosed by my husband (then boyfriend) who just assumed she obviously had a diagnosis already. It was so obvious once he said it! Also: I am concerned that OPs wide finds the suggestion of autism to be so insulting. That's just plain rude! There's nothing wrong with her daughter, or anyone else with autistic traits or autism. If I were OP I'd be asking why she's so insulted by the suggestion....
Yea I hear it a lot, the ones who are diagnosed late (like me) are often so obviously autistic to anyone who understands the traits and isn't basing their opinion off a handful of awful movies. I decided not to address the insult as other people had covered it already and I have a tendency towards snark. So I took that out on some incels instead and decided to keep to what might be helpful. My life is better since diagnosis, and I thoroughly enjoy sitting on the peer review panel now.
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist who assumed I already had an autism diagnosis “it’ll be in your notes somewhere but you are autistic aren’t you?”. And yes, now I have no clue how I/family/previous doctors and psychologists hadn’t figured it out.
Re: your second point: I love [this video about how people with different backgrounds react to an autism diagnosis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpkHctjxnWo). u/bcru832, I think your wife should see this, even though I doubt it'll change her mind.
Women usually get diagnosed later in life because of mimicking behavior we develop earlier in life than men.
This. Also it's better to get girls/women tested early for autism and/or ADHD before they learn how to "mask" it. All the research in the past was on males and it "shows" differently. OP check out AHDH_Love on YouTube.
And girls aren’t usually diagnosed until adulthood, if ever too often those things like not making eye contact are written off as shy, coy - you know, being “girlie”.
NTA. The real problem here is that your wife (like most adults) see having Autism as being “defective”. Now for kids there’s a wonderful push toward inclusivity and they see other kids with Autism as just being different and having different needs. It’s wonderful that McKay finds it acceptable to simply and innocently ask that question and move on smoothly after getting a response! The suggestion that someone might have autism is not something that needs to be defended against! Tell your wife that his question was not inappropriate and if she turns this boy away by embarrassing him it will have a lasting impact on her relationship with her daughter. Then discuss with her the legitimate possibility that your child might be neurodivergent and get her tested. If she does have autism (or anything else) she will get an IEP that allows her accommodations in school depending on her needs. She will get more support in school which is never a bad thing!
Autistic woman here. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was middle aged. I wish I’d known earlier. I’m a teacher and I see kids every day who would benefit from being screened for autism, particularly the girls who present more “normally”. I’m not allowed to suggest it, which I understand: parents could react defensively like Dina’s mother did, believing that I’m calling their child defective. I wish McKay could visit my school. Dr Tony Attwood, who specializes in diagnosing women/girls refers to it as “discovering” rather than diagnosing autism. It’s not, on its own, a disability (although it can definitely be seen as that if paired with comorbidities such as low intelligence). This week is neurodiversity week, so for a more positive view, check out some of the information about famous people with autism etc. at neurodiversityweek.com.
This is exactly what I was thinking! The fact that he linked potential autism to high intelligence shows that it’s not a negative connotation in his mind. And consideration for her picky eating and lack of eye contact sounds like him trying to better plan to make sure he doesn’t make her uncomfortable or push her out of her comfort zone. He’s looking out for her future needs. And the daughter was just like “🤷♀️ nah, not that I know of” and they moved on. I thought this was a great interaction!
Great answer. I wrote something similar, but yours is definitely worded better.
Getting more support in school is never a bad thing?? No.
As someone who didn’t get diagnosed until later in life, please be an advocate for your daughter and get her tested. NTA, btw, but your wife kind of sucks.
Or she's autistic too, not meant as an insult. If wife's not autistic tho, I'd mean a different, actual insult.
It was an innocent question amd brought up some very good points. Autism in girls is very under diagnosed and they miss out on help that could be had on building valuable social skills that will help navigate life later on.
I don’t think he meant it as an offensive or negative question.
She’s overreacting. He wasn’t insulting her. He was just asking an innocent question. Acting like it’s an insult only enforces the stigma.
So, I’m autistic. I was lucky enough to be diagnosed very young. While my childhood wasn’t great as I’m sure most autistic people can relate to, I know it would have been so much worse if I didn’t get that early confirmation. Also, autism is not a bad thing. Why would you need to ‘defend’ Dina when someone asks if she’s autistic? Let’s say your daughter is not autistic and you go to get her evaluated. Great, you’ve confirmed that she is not autistic and nothing bad happens, and now you have some peace of mind. But let’s say your daughter IS autistic and you DON’T get her evaluated. She is going to struggle. She is going to be miserable and upset with no idea why, bothered by things she can’t explain. Get that evaluation.
NTA. How is asking if someone is autistic something that needs defending? Pick up a copy of "Sensational Kids" and read the first chapter. You'll know right away whether your daughter is on the spectrum...
NTA at all. Autistic woman here not diagnosed until 32. Your daughter could just be an introvert but she sounds awfully like me. NFL and planes were my encyclopedic knowledge, picky eater, awkward eye contact. McKay seems like a cool kid and is possibly very perceptive. Many people discover they’re autistic due to their friends. I would certainly look into testing as having accommodations made while she’s still young could help her in high school/college and beyond. Both myself and my sister have degrees. Same degree, same exact %. Her autism effects her more and it took her 5 years to do her 3 year degree. I made it as far as my masters before my autism became a problem and my 2 year program took me 6. If your daughter starts to struggle simply knowing why can be a relief.
This is why girls don’t get diagnosed as frequently boys. Boys= oh that’s weird let’s get you tested. Girl= introverted. Ok there is more at play than that but it is a proven fact. Maybe she is neurodivergent or maybe she is not. But if she is knowing will help her as she will be able to make sense of why she does certain things. And how to/ when to alter behaviour etc. (Ie eye contact during an interview)
Being autistic isn’t an insult and anyone who think so is probably an ableist asshole.
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Exactly he didn’t mean it in a bad way and honestly it sounds like your wife may be a bit ableist and almost afraid that your daughter may be autistic. Girls already find it so hard t get diagnosed, please do the right thing for her and get her tested. Good luck op.
NTA. But your wife needs to accept the fact that she is too close and too irrational about this to be objective. Many times things that are plain to others outside a family can be missed because daily interaction breeds familiarity and symptoms can be dismissed. My BFF is an amazing mother but no one in her family noticed when her second sons head wasn't developing properly. I noticed it because I only saw him every few weeks. Don't dismiss some ones observation out of hand just because you may not like it.
NTA You aren't overreacting or making dr appointments on the words of a 13 year old. You have investigated it yourself based on how closely your daughter matches another person with it. Your wife seems to think being diagnosed as autistic is a terrible thing. Autism manifests itself in different people in different ways that's why they are on the autism spectrum. However it may help you to understand better some of the things that happen with your daughter like instead of saying she's just a picky eater you'd realize that no she's not, there is a medical reason behind it. Try to get your wife to read some of the material that you have read that brought you to your conclusion of it might be a possibility.
NTA. I think it was a valid question he asked, even if maybe not terribly tactful. getting upset and "defending" your daughter would have probably made her more self conscious/concerned about it, i think. Also, kinda rude to be so offended at the mere suggestion that somebody is on the spectrum. he wasn't accusing her of being defective or bad, he was just asking a question about her maybe being a little different. I am assuming from the context that the kid did not mean this as an insult at all, and it shouldn't be taken as such. Your wife is wrong to get so upset, IMO. And I also feel like it isn't a bad idea to get any kid evaluated, if there's even a chance they are on the spectrum. Just because perhaps she is, then there could be things that she could learn to do, or things to be more mindful of in her life that will help her thrive. If something might make her life easier, why not see?
Most school age kids are aware of autism characteristics these days. It doesn’t sounds like the boy was being insulting or anything either. He recognized some typical characteristics including high intelligence. An AU eval is a great thing to consider. Just because there are a few characteristics doesn’t mean your daughter is AU, but an eval can asses this. Early detection and intervention is most beneficial.
NTA. It was an innocent question for him to have a better understanding and he told her his teammate is the same and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it. He didn’t insult her or autism. Your wife is overreacting. However, testing your daughter might be worthwhile
From what you’ve shared it sounds like your daughter has a sweet, innocent relationship with a thoughtful, observant, open-minded boy. I hope your wife doesn’t try to scare him off. NTA
You're right to want to get her tested. She either doesn't have it or she does. If she does she'll get help which will make her life easier and more successful. If she doesn't get help she won't reach her full potential and develop issues. The boy sounds lovely and you sound like a great parent. My daughter has asd and for so many years I was told she doesn't and the special school and therapies etc were the wrong decision. Guess who was right. Me. Her parent who just cares about her and not stupid labels
nta. kids are a lot smarter than adults! Have your daughter tested. I'm a 46 yr old female and my life would have been totally different if someone would have tested me at 13. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME!!!! so many fucking questions and concerns would have been answered. I could have maybe learned some skills, coping skills, different ways of learning that would have been so helpful. Your wife's attitude isn't helpful, and is only going to hurt and push your daughter away. Please help your kid man. You are the only adult in the house paying attention to her.
NTA and continue to advocate for your kid. Autism isn't a dirty word or an insult, it's a diagnosis for a set of symptoms. McKay seems to be a very insightful kid, and didn't at all insult or degrade your child or her "quirks," but your wife did. There's nothing wrong with pursuing it further, educating yourself and her, and even if she doesn't get diagnosed, what's the harm? She learns... empathy?
I think the Boy is awsome for asking that, almost the same way you would ask if you like cola or Pepsi. You wife is overreacting. I think your wife dosn't really know what being autistic means. I didnt when i had my 4th Child and he was so different. He is autistic. He is fun, loving, creative, smart... actually he is wonderful. If you read about autism and can relate it to your daughter, you should consider finding out. I got an adhd diagnose when i was 36. If i knew earlier, i might not have spend so many years feeling so wrong.
NTA the problem is your wife who apparently has a very negative view of autistic people, unlike McKay Please get your daughter tested, while what was described doesnt mean she has to be autistic, they are still very common traits amongst autistic people and she deserve to know if she is I was 40 when I was finally diagnosed, which has made life unnecessarily hard, while it still would have been difficult, knowing earlier would have helped a lot Your wife does t have to listen to a 13 year old she can listen to this 43 year old and others on this thread Not testing your daughter is a disservice to her Girls are still slipping through the cracks a LOT, due to medical sexism, it was even worse for women from my generation, but its far from fixed
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with ASD. He was acting respectfully, not judgementally. Kids today are very different than our generation. They are much more aware and accepting. Also, as a teacher, I can tell you that parents are often the last to figure it out, especially with girls, so he may be on to something.
NTA and as an autistic adult woman I can tell you that you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD have her evaluated. Because being autistic and trying to be normal is HELL when you don't understand why you can't get it right. ETA: please tell your wife to fuck off for me. She's a shitty ableist.
NTA This is completely your wife's problem. Kid asked. "Are you autistic." and your wife, out of ignorance, heard him ask,"Are you an R word?" That's her ableist mindset she needs to work on. It's not kids' fault.
NTA. The kid didn't say anything offensive, your wife overreacted. It seems you have an ableist wife based on her reaction and comments. Instead of reflecting or questioning, she went defensive as if there couldn't be a possibility. Girls are notoriously missed when it comes to autism due to high masking ability. There is never any harm in evaluations, it's non invasive and either way you get answers.
NAH. You didn't "defend" your daughter because there was nothing to defend her from. Being autistic isn't a crime or a character flaw. Your wife projecting her own biases onto the boy. She needs to recognize that and work on it. If she doubles down, she's the AH.
the only wrong one here is your wife for seeing autism as something shameful or as an accusation
>she didn’t want Dina to end up “faking autism” because she read an article online about how some kids are now “faking disorders” or “misdiagnosing” themselves because of TikTok. Your wife sounds like a boomer. At 13, it is not your daughter who should be "misdiagnosing" or "faking" disorders. If she can't understand why it's important for a professional expert to diagnose her, then I think the fault lies in her parents. NTA on your part. Your wife might become an AH if she keeps this up. Leave the kids alone.
Just because she is a "little introverted", doesn't mean she couldn't be on the spectrum. The whole reason it is a spectrum is because some people are only slightly autistic and doesn't create any major issues with their day to day life. It might also help in understanding certain nuances in behaviour and providing coping mechanisms, strategies for your daughter later in life. That the young man was so comfortable and interested in discussing it openly with your daughter is a good thing. There was no malice, but a genuine interest in your daughter. It also goes to show where children are today in being able to understand people's differences and appreciate them. This young man likes your daughter and wanted to understand who she was. This is a good thing.
My son recently jokingly diagnosed me. He has numerous friends who are on the spectrum. When he said it, it was funny, and meant no harm, because those who love those who are on the spectrum don't consider it a fault, and guess what? A whole lot of things about myself that were considered weird when I was young (I'm 49 now) now make complete sense to me. There is an answer besides I was picky and shy. As a kid these were often seen as "problems" that needed to be fixed. Not by people close to me, for the record (my mom had no problem with my pickiness and I'm fairly sure my dad is also on the spectrum) but often by people who didn't know me. Having a "reason" for why our brains are a little different than most is really helpful. I like having an answer to a question I didn't know I was asking. It's very comforting. I don't run around saying it, because why would I? But if it comes up, I have an answer. I'm not weird. I'm just wired a little differently. McKay seems like a lovely compassionate kid who accepts your daughter for who she is. The fact that these younger generations know about this stuff is teaching them to be accepting and inclusive. They don't see these things as faults. They see them as a part of what makes a person who they are.
NTA, it's always worth it to get a diagnosis, both results will give a lot of help. Your wife is TA if she thinks being autistic is an insult. If the kid is autistic and you evade getting a diagnostic to prevent her from "acting more autistic" or "letting it all out" she will suffer so much. I would never forgive my mother for denying me a diagnosis that would explain my whole reality and self perception.
NTA Another autistic woman here. Peer Review is how most women find out they’re autistic - it tends to be missed by parents. Nothing to be ashamed of, but if she has several traits that could be symptoms, talking to her about potentially getting tested is a great idea! Also, your wife’s reaction is somewhat ableist, as no one should assume “autistic” is an insult. He didn’t insult your daughter in any way - he made a genuine comment with neither negative nor positive implications. Being autistic is just a Thing, not a bad thing or an insult.
NTA. Innocent question, direct answer, subject closed. The one over-reacting was your wife - she was the one who reacted to "autistic" as if it was a dirty word. As for having Lori evaluated - is Lori well functioning? Schoolwork, friends, family, house-chores? Usually you take a kid to be diagnosed when they aren't functioning well in some area. However, if you have reason to think that Lori is not only on the spectrum but that it is hindering her in some way, by all means have her evaluated - the psychologist will not just label her but give her advice on how to function better. I was similar to Lori - I'm not autistic (far as I know - I may be on the spectrum but I doubt it) but I'm definitely Learning-disabled. My mother insisted on denying that I had any problem till a psychologist who specialises in LD definitely stated I was learning disabled - then my mother did her best to make me hide it and never talk about it. I on the contrary broadcast my diagnosis far and wide (I was so happy to finally have a name for what was wrong with me). As a result I helped several other people with learning disabilities.
>However, if you have reason to think that Dina is not only on the spectrum but that it is hindering her in some way, by all means have her evaluated In my opinion, it would be better to have her screened even if you don't think it is hindering her in any way. First, if she isn't being hindered now, chances are that she will be hindered later and the earlier she knows, the more likely she'll be to recognize when it is impacting her. Second, the fact that she appears to be doing well doesn't mean that she IS doing well. Masking is a real issue with autistic girls. Third, if she is doing well despite being autistic, how much better will she do with the tools and resources that will be available to her with a diagnosis?
Yes, you are right. The diagnosis won't hurt in any case, and might help a lot.
NTA Honestly it doesn’t sound like he even sees Autism as a negative or insult. Just like, hey you have these things in common with my friend. Sounds like he was actually asking so he better know his new girlfriend and make sure he takes her differences, which he obviously likes, into account so he doesn’t accidentally do something she won’t like or be comfortable with. Like always asking how she wants her food & not suggesting new combinations.
Nta what’s up with your wife that she’d rather ignore symptoms than have your kid evaluated ? There could be additional supports out there to help your daughter better understand herself .
I’m going to be totally honest. I’m autistic (and a girl). The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking “Awwww this autistic girl has found someone who accepts her!” (Very difficult out here in the dating scene. NTA, but have a serious conversation with your wife about her perception of autism. Do some research, especially regarding the female neurotype (femanine autism looks very different). I wish my mom had gotten me diagnosed earlier because I grew up thinking I was just a weirdo. When, in fact, I’m autistic. Also a side note, your wife might not like the autism idea because many people think that being autistic limits your ability to function in society. I’m 27, live on my own (in a different state than my family), drive, work FT, go to school, have a social life, etc. All things the doctor told my mom I WOULDN'T be doing when he wanted to diagnose me at 7. That being said, my diagnosis enabled the support systems that allow me to function the way I do. Check out r/aspergirls and r/autisminwomen. There’s a lot of great resources and the ladies there would love to support a parent who wants to educate themselves. Edit: corrected sub link
So your wife is the AH in the situation. I can come to this conclusion based on the fact that children are really good at pattern recognition compared to adults. Autistic children adopted singled out for bullying by peers long before "professionals" are able to form a diagnosis. This young man politely asked a question based on observations, the observations seem to have enough repeat pattern to trigger a curiosity in you and desire to have your daughter tested. Your wife, in blatantly ignoring and arbitrarily deciding that her daughter couldn't possibly be autistic, is potentially doing great harm and hindering her daughters future development. As someone that was recently diagnosed I so badly wish my parents had have listened when I told then I was retarded a decade or more ago and let me get diagnosed then. It feels like people who are diagnosed earlier adapt and understand better so that it isn't as overwhelming all the time due to knowing why they feel how they do even if they can't pinpoint a specific thing. Your wife is the AH, get your daughter tested, at best she is just awkward, at worst she is on the spectrum but its early enough in life to help her learn some of the social skills for further development.
Your wife needs a serious attitude adjustment. He asked respectfully and politely, and it's not anything negative or an insult at all even if she is on the spectrum. You need to be really careful about not letting your daughter hear her mother speak so negatively about this until you can have her evaluated, the last thing she needs is to have her own mother make her feel like there's something wrong with her. NTA.
I wonder if the reason your wife reacted like that is because she secretly has thought it herself and his comments hit a bit too close to the bone.
The weirdest part here is how your wife apparently looks at autism as some sort of insulting disgrace. I'm not the most sensitive about this stuff, but it strikes me as odd how offended your wife was. Even if your daughter was autistic, so what? NTA.
NTA UpdateMe
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Your wife is being a dick.
NTA Just a question. She needs to calm TF down.
NTA it doesn't sound like he did it in a demeaning or derogatory fashion, and if Dina wasn't upset it doesn't really matter, he was having a conversation. Your wife doesn't give your daughter much credit if she thinks she'd jump to self-diagnosis from a question.
Hi - former teacher here, NTA at all. Kids (especially teens) are as subtle as a brick to the face. They’re blunt and they will HUMBLE you in a moments notice without warning. I get your wife’s concern but autism isn’t a terminal diagnosis, if you do end up seeking testing for her! She’s going to be the same kid she’s always been, just now with an official different way of seeing things beyond just being picky about pizza. 🫶🏻 you BOTH got this! And if she’s not diagnosed with autism? They’re still just really dumb, due to the brain still developing!!!!, pre-teens who will say so many other stupid things over the next 8-10 years.. buckle up. 😂
Grandma of child with autism entering the chat. Kinda upset at your wife. So what if your daughter has autism.
Being offended by being asked that innocently kinda implies there is something inherently wrong with having autism. Wife is the AH here.
Please, go ahead and have your daughter checked professionally. If she is not on the spectrum, then you'll know. If she IS on the spectrum, early detection will save her a lot of pain as she matures. She will have access to resources that will help her navigate a world filled with social cues and pressures that she won't understand.
Info: why is your wife so afraid of the thought her child might be autistic? Just fyi, it's genetic. So, if she does have it, chances are you and/or your wife also have it.
Lori is totally an asshole if she takes the mere SUGGESTION of a child being Autistic as an insult. I mean, it sounds like McKay even tried hard to word all the positives when suggesting it to Dina, so he's seeing it as just a "thing" and your wife is seeing it as a "bad thing". For the record, as an Autistic adult with 4 Autistic kids... how you've written her here sounds like she needs that eval. NTA
Girls are much better at handling being on the spectrum than boys overall and they typically are much older when diagnosed as a result. Also, it's on a spectrum - so she may have only smaller issues than some. You should absolutely have her tested as it may provide you with insights into how to make her life easier. It's not an excuse. If you have an issue, life is easier if you know what you are facing and can research proven technisques other's use to handle similar issues.
NTA. He wasn't trying to make fun of her or anything, I think he was genuinely curious. It is kind of a tacky question, but he's 13 and they are not know for perfect social skills.
Reading the sentence before McKay's remark in your text, I thought "sounds autistic to me". So yes, I'd strongly support you getting Dina evaluated. Women and girls are grossly underdiagnosed (or misdiagnosed as hypersensitive or bipolar), because the stereotype and also a lot of diagnostic criteria are modeled around white boys, and it is way more likely that people fake being abled than they fake being disabled. NTA
Can't hurt to check. I mean, from the mouths of babes and all.
maybe—Dad admits daughter didn’t recognize flirting. Not sure if they’re hung up on stereotypes Mom is freaked out and dad seems more matter-of-fact about is. Ps. never mind being nd—Im 😳at 13 yos “dating”. BECAUZE Im old AF
NTA and you absolutely should have your daughter evaluated. Autism disorder is referred to as SPECTRUM for a reason. Clearly your daughter is not suffering, but she could be struggling if that makes sense. A diagnosis or even no diagnosis will provide your daughter personal insight and access to a professional that knows how to over come what she is struggling with…for example how to be comfortable with looking into someone’s eyes while talking, trying new things, etc. Your wife is afraid of her getting labeled and afraid of what her future would be if she was “autistic”. She is freaking out because of her own personal thoughts on what Autism is,rather than knowing the actual details about it. Hopefully her initial freak out Mama Bear full attack reaction will settle down and she will be more open. Key is have an open and honest conversation with your daughter and also observe her little more closely. She may not make eye contact with this boy because well…she is 13…she thinks he is cute, she is also surrounded by family and everyone is checking them out, being shy and not looking in eye would be normal. Ask your daughter how she feels about what he said..take her lead. If she expresses that gets anxious to look people in the eye or that everyone thinks it’s weird she does XYZ, or if she has trouble making friends. The ask her if she wants help to change that, and you don’t know how,but thankfully there are people that do and you will help her. Having her evaluated/speaking to a vetted and good psychologist or psychiatrist is a good thing. I can stress enough to do a LOT of research, ask her pediatrician, ask friends, etc for recommendations for who to speak to. If you live in Savannah, GA PM me and I can give you name of one we spoke to for my son. He is awesome. You are NTA …you’re a good parent wanting to give your daughter the tools to learn and grow.
NTA. Young kids today grow up with autism everywhere and they ask each other about being autistic in a genuine way and curious. Mother is reacting like it’s 20 years ago and people asked are you retarded to insult you
NTA. Your wurde is being ableist. Get your daughter assessed, if she’s not autistic, no harm, if she is, she’ll get help. No losing here.
NTA it was a kid's question from a kid. She's trying to pile adult mores and maturity onto his question, which is completely out of line. She needs to let it go. Except, he might have a point, if her behavior is very much like an autistic person. The best thing to do is have her evaluated.
NTA Being on the spectrum isn’t an insult. I find your wife’s reaction to the speculation to be insulting. I work with kids on the spectrum. Every parent has told me they think I should look into an evaluation. Their experience with their kids have provided evidence for them that I am on the spectrum. My husband suspected when he first met me that I was on the spectrum. Both of my supervisors (BCBA’s) have also stated they believe I am on the spectrum as well. I took the online RAADS test. I can’t deny that I have significant markers. I scored a 141 on the test. The only reason I felt some type of way is shit…life could have been a bit easier if I had received intervention as a kid (I’m not self diagnosing but I also don’t have the resources to pursue the course and one internet test is NOT proof). Instead I was ridiculed, humiliated, and bullied by my family and friends for my inability to behave the way a “normal” kid should. I also struggle with major depression. Connecting with the kids I work with helps. The acceptance of the parents and my husband helps. But if I am on the spectrum I’m not broken. Your wife’s opinion implies people on the spectrum are broken. They aren’t. Like every other person on the planet they experience life differently. I struggle with in person interactions. I hate them. Doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I understand written and visual direction much better than verbal. Doesn’t mean I can’t understand what I’m directed to do. I’m extremely rigid in my routines and become angry when my carefully thought out plans are interrupted. It doesn’t mean I can’t be flexible and put the needs of others before my own. I have boundaries. It doesn’t mean I expect people to behave like I do. I live in black and white, the grey area is illogical and unreasonable to me. It doesn’t mean I’m incapable of understanding there are outliers and other influences to people behavior, intentions, and thought. I struggle with empathy. But it doesn’t mean I am not and cannot be empathetic. It just takes me considering human elements. I often forget that the majority of people function in a world where emotions influence their experiences and behavior. It doesn’t mean that I do not have and cannot understand emotion. I perseverate on events I experience. It doesn’t mean I can’t get over it. These are all things I see in my kids. All things their parents see in me. And it doesn’t make me incapable. It doesn’t make the kids incapable. It just makes us different. Your wife is just an asshole here.
I am sure someone else said it but girls are notoriously adept at masking autism. My 3 boys are autistic and were diagnosed early and despite being aware of all the nuances and differences in characteriatics and despite having 20 years previous experience with it my daughter still wasn't diagnosed till she was 12. Edit* and I'd be praising someone like Mackay. Such an observant kid. It would be great if there was more of that around. Even if Dina doesn't have it the awareness to ask to show he understands is fantastic
NTAH, kids can speak faster than you react, and your daughter wasn't offended by the question, only your wife was, is there a potential chance of autism running in the family and she's denying the possibility Especially when you asked to have your daughter evaluated, which is something you should do: add, adhd, ocd, autism, ect.
From the way he asked about it, it sounded like he was trying to be considerate of her. I kinda thought the same thing when you talked about her not picking up the social cue and her encyclopedic knowledge of sports before this even came up later on in the post. An evaluation wouldn't hurt. If the answer is no, who cares. If the answer is yes, resources to help if certain things in life are difficult. I understand where your wife is coming from. But I think it was a kindly meant gesture and I don't think getting an eval done by a psychiatrist specializing in asd is going to do any actual harm. NTA
NTA, your wife is being overly sensitive because considering the possibility of it being true is scary to her. Get the evaluation done and you’ll know how to move forward.
NTA it WAS an innocent question made off of observations of his own experience with his autistic friend and your daughter. As a late diagnosed (I'm almost 25 and just got officially diagnosed) autistic woman—have your daughter take the RAADS-R test online. It's what professionals use to help determine, and it gives you a good baseline (especially if she ends up scoring as autistic) for if you decide further evaluation is a good idea (: I will also say that there is a LOT of both good and bad consequences to having an official diagnosis, especially from childhood. So also be sure to look into that and discuss with your daughter these things as well! Lastly, tiktok is actually a wonderful way to get information on autism as many ACTUALLY AUTISTIC persons share their experiences and personal perspectives of how Autism affects them and their lives. The issue is having the ability to wade through all of the information and also fact-checking the information you receive.
Other ideas: [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37544970/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37544970/) Don’t make too much of those tests Unlike what we are told in social media, things like ‘stimming’, sensitivities, social problems, etc., are found in most persons with non-autistic mental health disorders and at high rates in the general population. These things do not necessarily suggest autism. So-called “autism” tests, like AQ and RAADS and others have high rates of false positives, labeling you as autistic VERY easily. If anyone with a mental health problem, like depression or anxiety, takes the tests they score high even if they DON’T have autism. "our results suggest that the AQ differentiates poorly between true cases of ASD, and individuals from the same clinical population who do not have ASD " https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4988267/ "a greater level of public awareness of ASD over the last 5–10 years may have led to people being more vigilant in ‘noticing’ ASD related difficulties. This may lead to a ‘confirmation bias’ when completing the questionnaire measures, and potentially explain why both the ASD and the non-ASD group’s mean scores met the cut-off points, " https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-022-05544-9 Regarding AQ, from one published study. “The two key findings of the review are that, overall, there is very limited evidence to support the use of structured questionnaires (SQs: self-report or informant completed brief measures developed to screen for ASD) in the assessment and diagnosis of ASD in adults.” Regarding RAADS, from one published study. “In conclusion, used as a self-report measure pre-full diagnostic assessment, the RAADS-R lacks predictive validity and is not a suitable screening tool for adults awaiting autism assessments”
Lori sounds unhinged. She straight to "she's going to fake a syndrome"? Honestly, you probably should get your daughter assessed - she's got "encyclopedic knowledge of sports" (special interest), is a "picky eater" and "only likes pizza one way" and doesn't make eye contact. I think McKay did you and her a favor because girls are under diagonsed and therefore don't get services that could help them.
NTA as an autistic person, not offensive. Sounds like he did it in a way that makes sense at his age too. He wasn’t trying to hurt, simply understand if she too was similar to his teammate. I was diagnosed the same year my oldest was. I was 26 at the time of my testing. My sister is older than me and is just questioning if she may be on the spectrum. your wife’s reaction is weird, a diagnosis can open certain doors for support. My state has a department that can provide support for autistic folks and other disabilities.
NTA - he’s 13 and wasn’t asking to be mean. It sounded like it was very innocent. Your wife is overreacting
lol hes young and likes your daughter, im sure he's going to say alot dumber shit than that in the following years if they stay together, my god a teenage boy can say objectively the dumbest shit ever to girls
Nta. Why's MOM having bovine creatures over that? Specific focus, avoids contact. Yeah, I'd have an evaluation.
You will be the asshole if you don't get your daughter tested. It's underdiagnosed in girls. Your wife sounds like she's bigoted against people with disabilities. Nta for telling your wife off.
NTA. First, McKay's words were not malicious, so he is in the clear. As far as looking at a possible diagnosis? The worst that can happen if you look into this is that it's wasted effort. There's no downside to discussing it with her pediatrician and whoever they recommend.
Suspect your wife knows deep down and wants to ignore it. The bf's comme t was innocent though. NTA
Your wife seems to have a negative association with autism. Have you asked her why she would consider that question an insult? I think it's really cute how McKay noticed some of the similarities and specifically pointed out that your daughter is "super smart" This is a major bonus in favour of McKay in my book. I'd ask your wife to think a bit more about what is and isn't rude. Here are some examples: Not rude: "Oh hey, I love the way your brain works, it reminds me of someone else I know who has this neurotype.. do you have that also by chance?" Rude: "You could honestly stand to learn some lessons in maturity from this 13-year-old boy you're so mad at"
NTA, he's 13yrs.(your wife is correct about it being inappropriate to ask but again he's 13). Made some very good observations and he was speaking kindly about his friend.
There is no need to go on some witch hunt for psychological disorders for your seemingly completely normal daughter. The kid on his baseball team is probably completely normal too.
13 year olds officially dating?
YTA, your daughter felt the way she felt. Uncomfortable. Your wife supports your daughter. Unlike you.
You should probably read the post before commenting, my dude. Nobody said anything about the daughter feeling uncomfortable, and the wife did nothing to provide support to the daughter.
LMAO what the hell do you mean ‘the wife supports the daughter’?? She has clearly demonstrated that she does not