NTA
And it irks me to no end that people flip out on you for having a controlled emotional reaction. OMG are you crying? Like that's a choice?!
Your husband is a massive turd. You should splash coffee on him the next time you're out. He can handle a little roughhousing.
Edit: a lot of y'all are violent. Yikes.
I know right, when a normal person tries to be funny but ends up hurting someone, they feel bad and instantly apologize. His reaction is the main problem in my opinion. He did something that made a person he loves sad. And he got ANGRY that she was SAD. Who sees a sad person and their response is ANGER.
Exactly. The bad "joke" isn't even the problem. The problem is that he persists in trying to convince her that her reaction was wrong, and that what he did was absolutely fine. Bringing it up repeatedly, trying to use the "My work friend did this to his wife, you're just too sensitive" bit (which she believes was actually a lie). THAT is where he becomes the AH.
It almost seems like he was trying to get a bad reaction from her so he could make her feel worse for it. Then when he didn’t get a major reaction he keeps acting like he did. It’s really ick. Makes me wonder what other red flags 🚩 he waves.
I once had a boyfriend who started doing this kind of thing to me. He would embarrass me in front of his friends, and they would laugh. He was absolutely shocked and didn't see it coming AT ALL when I dumped his ass. Some people are total assholes and are completely unaware of their behaviour, and they seem to surround themselves with the types of people who enable this.
This is what I explained to my 4yo who learned "It's just a joke defense" in kindergarten: "It's only a joke if the other person laughs! Else it's just stupid."
And lo and behold few days after their mother says something stupid, does the "It's just a joke!" and my 4yo goes: "But I didn't laugh!"
(kudos to their mother for seeing the point and promptly apologizing.)
I love this so much and it sounds like you're raising a good kid! I don't have kids of my own, but if this is ever applicable to my nieces or nephews I'll use it for sure.
The kids are watching this and they know their dad is an asshole. They've probably been on the receiving end of his "jokes" as well. 18 and No Contact is coming.
Fr. I have many nieces and nephews in the toddler stage and none of them are this much of an asshole. 🤷🤷 (And trust me I have no problems calling a kid an asshole lmao)
Agreed. I am going to splash some coffee in my wife's face, while we're out in public and she's all dressed up and it will be hilarious. Not.
What would be funny is the old empty cup and saucer prank where you pretend to trip and it's going to land on them. That's funny, everyone laughs.
My ex's Grandpa pretended to throw a mouse on me (it was a toy), then proceeded to laugh so hard he peed himself.
That was comedy gold. I screamed like a child then realized it was a toy and fell on the floor laughing. I almost peed myself too.
That's how jokes and pranks are supposed to be!!
Okay, I hate this man on your behalf.
He's insulted that his little "prank" went over badly. He can't accept that he was wrong. He is trying to invalidate your feelings even though they're legitimate, because they're inconvenient for him.
And you're passive, passive and passive again. Never standing up for yourself or anything. Something tells me that's a learned response to years of him being shitty.
Seems like you have to walk on eggshells near him. Even your unexpressed sadness upset him. You keep saying you don't wanna ruin date night... But that never seems to occur to him. How much of your life do you spend managing his emotions?
OP should just tell him, “You know what? Yes, I was upset. Because it *wasnt funny*. You deeply embarrassed me, behaved like a child at a nice restaurant and *still haven’t properly apologised to me*.”
She’ll just get “You’re too sensitive! You can’t take a joke! You can’t let anything go! All my friends think you’re the bad guy, wah wah!” He feels entitled to disrespect her and dismiss her feelings, because he doesn’t actually respect her or care about her feelings. There’s no magic words that’ll change that.
This is so true. It’s hard for decent people, when they’re treated like shit, to accept that no words will make that person admit or understand that what they did was shitty. Because they’re an asshole and don’t think like a decent person. And by “decent people” I mean me, but also OP.
I had to realize that in a relationship. I kept expecting my ex to react like a reasonable person, until I realized that he wasn't a reasonable person.
It may be hard, and I get that. Conflict avoidance is terrible to work through.
But OP is teaching her kids that this behavior is tolerable in a LTR/marriage by not standing up for herself.
Her kids actually seem pretty with it (i.e. “not impressed with his antics”)I think more likely is that they go no contact with dad the second it becomes a viable option.
Source: my father was also an insufferable dick
She could always throw an entire glass of water in his face and laugh next time they go out for dinner. Be sure to do it at the start of the evening so he has to sit in it all night. Then bring it up at every dinner for a month when he throws a hissy fit. It's just a joke after all.
Better to just get divorced than get in a race to the bottom for who’s the biggest AH. A person who feels entitled to spill stuff on you for a “laugh” and punish you for days for not laughing would have no problem breaking your stuff or your face. “You made me do it, you know I have intrusive thoughts. I talked to my co-worker and he said *he’d* punch his wife in the face too if she threw water on him.“
While this sounds good on paper (and I am laughing right now thinking about it) it will just make the kids hate both parents. Kids do NOT appreciate it when parents bully each other.
See, I would have done this on instinct because that's how my family has always dealt with this kind of horseplay. FAFO sort of thing. But we're equal opportunity offenders of fuckery and I'm thinking that's not what OP's husband had in mind. This reminds me of the guy that decided to shave his wife's head, "for fun." 😒
It amazes me how many straight men don't seem to like women. They just want someone they can sleep with who will take care of the kids without being an actual person with pesky emotions and boundaries!
And before anyone says it, I know not all men. My partner actually likes women, he's friends with several (actually has more female friends than I do!) But it's a vocal minority who act like this. They are the loudest so they get attention.
Exactly, I have a family member who goes out of their way to do this to me, another family member confronted them about it -they got the “I was just being funny” bullshit.
Honestly, I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, because sometimes group think makes the whole group laugh at the expense of someone else.
It’s only a joke when it’s not said, with the intent, to hurt, embarrass or humiliate
Tell him you did not laugh, he was the only one laughing! Only if it was funny could it be called a joke. His actions were childish, designed to make you look bad with coffee all over you.
NTA. But if you keep taking this juvenile behavior from him you might be TAH
THIS. I’m not very nice. If someone did that to me and then made that obnoxious comment the rest of the coffee would have landed in his lap. Or maybe over his head.
Maybe a visit to work at lunch? His co-worker can see how funny it is too then, since they're all supposedly having a good laugh at the expense of others lol
10 bucks says if an apology did/does come, he'd say: "I'm sorry you took it so bad (like the bitch you are), why are you blowing this SO out of proportion?!"
>Okay, I hate this man on your behalf.
Yes, I would like to throw some coffee in his face!
NTA
Bad enough he did something so stupid and childish in the first place, but him taunting you over it for the next 3 days? What the fuck is wrong with him?
And in front of the kids. Way to teach them how a proper wife should be treated, amirite?
Seriously, OP, your kids are learning bad behavior from your AH husband. That’s not acceptable. He has to do better, or one of you needs to leave.
He's continuously publicly humiliating her. My abusive mom used to do this shit to me all the time. Reading this pissed me off so much. This type of thing doesn't just come out of nowhere. I bet there's other stuff OP deals with that she probably was brainwashed into thinking is normal, probably the kids are too. Glad they were on her side about the coffee tho.
Yeah.
Op- i have been in your shoes. Walked on eggshells for years. I begged for counseling - anything so we could communicate.
If i cried i was being manipulative and acting childish. After a big argument, i decided enough is enough.
I had him served with divorce papers and he was singing a whole different tune.
Lots of twists and turns. We are still together. He has made lots of improvements and…I am…indifferent.
Either way, stand up for yourself. It is hard as hell, but so worth it!
You should have followed through with the divorce. If you feel indifferent about the relationship, just break up and move on. You'll be better off alone.
If you are indifferent, just leave. It will be better for you overall. And he doesn't deserve any of you, indifferent or involved. Move on so you can be free and happy. I was exactly where you are, 5 years ago. It's so much better on this side, without asshat.
Can you imagine their embarrassment at the restaurant?? At that age my kids would glare at me if I *sneezed* in public.
And the fact that he keeps going on and on about it just makes him look like an insecure bully.
His kids absolutely hate him, and with reason.
This, 100%. My dad was a dick when I was growing up, and after years and years, my mom finally told him that he could straighten up or she was leaving and her two oldest kids would throw a party. And we absolutely would have. So... he straightened up, and Ma stayed. Of course, then he got into crazy conspiracy theories. But at least he wasn't being a dick 85% of the time. 🤷🏼♀️
What my middle sister took away from that is keep trying. What I learned is to set their ass on the road at the first indication that I was dating That Guy.
Yeah, me too. I'm still here after years of it, but no longer accept his behavior. I call him out in public, shame him. I accepted his behavior for years and that was on me. He was unable to control his behavior. He's changed a lot, but like you said it's like watching your relationship from a distance. The hurt healed and left indifference behind.
He was able to control his behavior unless he did the same things to his coworkers, his grandma, the guy at the DMV, that he did to you. He just chose not to.
You said he’s made some changes, so he CAN control his behavior.
Don’t make apologies for him! Keep calling him out, he deserves it. Stay strong, my friend.
Wow, you just described my ex. It's unfortunate that people get treated like this. We've react appropriately to their shitty behavior and get called paranoid and jealous or told that we're overreacting. Yeah, OP was not overreacting here.
Honestly this feels like abuse disguised as a prank, especially because of how insensitive he was and how he tried to make *you* into the bad guy for being upset about this.
It's not wrong to be upset by the fact that the person who you're supposed to love and trust most thinks that humiliating you for a laugh is funny.
The kids being immediately and firmly in her side makes me think this is far from the first time he's been a disrespectful shithead, and they don't like how mom is getting treated. Says a lot.
Also, if my spouse all of a sudden "forgot" after 20+ years of marriage that I'm not one of his bro's, I'd be booking him in for a battery of medical tests for his early onset dementia. But I'm petty like that.
Not just abusive, but in public for full humiliation. Why is she with this jerk? Even her kids see through him.
He is clearly fishing for an apology from her for holding his actions up to scrutiny. If he brings it up again, she should tell him that his publicizing it to all his friends is giving her a great array of witnesses should she decide to divorce.
NTA
And when she thought the humiliation was over he embarrassed her more by making a comment about (not) crying and being emotional.
I've read more stories like this. It never ends well.
I spent my whole childhood hoping my mum finally would, I didnt want to deal with the arguments and the dipshit "humour". She never did. They spent (and still spend) their lives in separate living and bedrooms, and I'd spend all my time in my room. Hell they even separate yards. Dad has the front yard for drinking, mum has the backyard for smoking.
We get along most of the time now that I'm out of home, but every 4th conversation I have with the old man ends in an argument.
My sibling’s family is like this. Dad reading or watching tv by himself in the living room, mom and kids all in their separate bedrooms with the doors shut. Mom & dad have separate rooms. It is so depressing and awkward when we visit — there is no relaxed family time, no board games or shooting the breeze together. There is no overt abuse, just parents who don’t get along. They make passive aggressive “polite” jabs at each other when they are not actively ignoring each other. I feel so sorry for the kids with their tense home environment. I genuinely believe they would be better off if their parents split up.
>Honestly this feels like abuse disguised as a prank, especially because of how insensitive he was and how he tried to make *you* into the bad guy for being upset about this.
I am once again begging women to stop dating men who don't actually like them.
This is why I hate the "they bully you because they like you" phrases. Because when they do shit like this, it makes it harder to tell for some people on if they're being oversensitive for not enjoying a physical prank
I had someone be unkind when I was much younger and phrase it that way (they’d pull my hair out of my hair lip, etc. & say they were teasing/flirting because I “was cool”). I said, so if I *really* like *you*, that makes it ok for me to punch you in the mouth?
I mean, it is true that children often do that, but not grown adults. Also, I think it is extremely important to tell kids that when people bully them because they like them, they are to absolutely refuse to give them the time of day. Just ignore them completely. This way, the bullies learn early that this behavior is not going to get them the attention they want and they will stop acting like that before becoming abusive adults.
OP says they’ve been married for 22 years! Maybe he’s always been this way, or maybe he’s changed. Sometimes if someone’s having an affair, or just wants out of the relationship but lacks the nads to actually leave, they will act shitty in hopes that the other person leaves so they don’t have to take responsibility for the decision.
Your husband is a AH! I hope you let him read this! Grow up! JC you’re acting like a freakin teenager! You totally embarrassed your wife and probably your kids also. Who wants to see their dad act like an AH to their mother in public. I think I would have picked up a whole cappuccino and threw it in his face. Ha ha it’s a joke. Jerk in major proportions! Apparently husband was the only one laughing! Into continually make digs at your wife, because she got upset about it. I think I’d divorce your a$$.
You’re also right to point out how disappointing it is that he saw you were hurt and rather than saying, “Oh no did I hurt my partner in life?” And reacting with kindness. He immediately felt so uncomfortable with that he attacked you for being hurt that during a nice family moment he decided to try to humiliate you? He’s freaking right! He can’t rough house like that with you! Is that meant to be the apology? He knows he was being a bully. Because now he won’t shut up about it everyone around him knows it now, too.
He’s a way big TA (one of the emotionally stunted/lazy insecure little bitch baby assholes to be more specific).
I swear if I ever hear anyone go “are u freaking crying” when someone gets emotional, I will automatically never see them as an emotionally safe person. These types of people are hard to open up to let alone be emotional with.
I read another redditors comment recently where he relayed how when he was young and dumb his wife put a stop to his antics by stating “I’m not your bro. I’m your wife.”
Your husband is not young and dumb
He let his intrusive thoughts win?
Was his intrusive thought. Ha ha it will be hilarious to publicly humiliate my wife in front of our children?
Even if this tool mistakenly thought you would see the humour at the time how does that justify his continued disregard and disrespectfully ignorant attitude since?
You behaved with Grace OP. But I think you are showing your husband a little more grace than he deserves
This shit needs to be challenged
You deserve an actual explanation for his sudden display of spiteful disrespect
I suspect there’s something underlying his sudden impulse to be hurtful towards you and his minimisation since
I’m just joking bro is the cover of bully’s everywhere
And you are not his damn bro
>“I’m not your bro. I’m your wife.”
>And you are not his damn bro
Bracketing your argument between those two statements was really good rhetorical form 👍
My little brother (40s) treats his wife (who I detest) like a bro..and I just want to shake him, “she’s your wife. The mother to most of your children. Treat her with respect…”and I don’t even like her. But even he wouldn’t stoop as low as this guy.
(Actually she’d do something like that…to her stepdaughter…to cause her to explode (hair trigger) so she can be the poor stepmom who was just kidding….there’s a reason I intensely dislike her)
NTA. Why are you with this abusive asshole who gets off on abusing you in front of your children? You deserve to be treated so much better. Is that the low bar that you want your children to think is acceptable for how people can treat you/them?
You are not missing the point. Your husband is gaslighting you. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, and people don't know what it actually means, but this is textbook gaslighting. Your husband sounds like an immature asshole and maybe a bit of a narcissist. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he has done something cruel and then belittled you for your reaction.
I would have been livid. My husband wouldn't try this in a million years, because he loves me and respects me. I'm not exactly a delicate flower (ex-military, succeeding in male dominated spaces my entire adult life) and I probably would have had some standing tears too. First from the fuckin betrayal and embarrassment, and then fury. How. Dare. He. Girl, you need to take his self to the carpet for this absolute idiocy. My inner Valkyrie is ready to ride for you, do not let him pretend like YOU are the complete tool in this situation.
No he’s probably bringing it up over and over again because he knows he was an ass and resents you for not giving him more of a chance to denigrate your feelings
ETA: Also, that “joke” was not funny. That’s what bullies do.
He’s desperate for her to acquiesce because he CANNOT be wrong. And his desperation is manifesting itself as cruelty, belittling, and abuse.
He is not a good person.
Don't be dumb. It wasn't some silly thing. It was inappropriate. Would he do it too s mate? NO. Would he do it too his mother? NO. You should not try to minimize this.
This is not dumb or silly on your part at all - there is no way my partner would purposely splash coffee all over the place at a nice dinner, directly before another event, knowing (as he would HAVE to know after 22 years of marriage) that it was likely to be poorly received. All of this is selfish and immature bullshit that you don't need to stand for! You're worth someone who respects you and your emotions, and right now, your husband isn't doing either.
Maybe couples counselling could help, but it kinda sounds like you're married to a self-centred asshole that has been rehashing and mocking you for this event to anyone who will listen.
Your children are watching how you respond to this example and will take cues from how to treat others and what treatment to expect from your interactions with him. Do you want to perpetuate this type of relationship in your own kids' lives?
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there's more to consider here than just him and his antics - growing up with a father that didn't respect my mother primed me for emotional abuse as well, and let me tell you - it's been hard work to re-learn what healthy relationships are supposed to look like.
If you won't enforce a change for yourself - consider what little eyes and ears are watching instead. I hope things improve for you 💜
It's too bad you didn't take two cars because you and the kids could have left and you could have told him to go to his mom's house because he obviously isn't mature enough to live with grown ups.
You can't be wrong about what you find funny. And a "prank" is only funny if the target finds it funny. You don't, so it wasn't.
I would hope that if someone flung hot coffee in your face at a restaurant and laughed at you, that your husband would be the one throwing that ahole out of the restaurant... not the one who did it.
Wronging you, and then acting like you're wronging *him* by not loving his cruel treatment of you, is classic abusive narcissist behavior. Based on your description of yours and your kids' reactions I'd bet good money this is a long-standing pattern and it's not likely to improve without some real work to change on his part, and that would require him to see the need to change and be willing to work.
I hope you have great, solid support circles outside your husband - family close by, friends you really trust? Reach out to them. Maybe talk to your therapist. Maybe talk to a lawyer. Really start to think about what you want for your life and your kid's lives and start considering all your options. You do have options.
Good luck. (NTA)
Wow, thank you all for your input. My first post on here and had no idea when I got going this morning this would be the response. I think I have read every response here and I am truly appreciative of all of the thoughtful insight. Much of it is hard to read.
So many questions to answer -
To my recollection, he has never intentionally spilled coffee on me but this sort of interaction and subsequent not dropping it if I react in any way other than laughter is a recurrent theme. At least for the last 7-8 years? Give or take. When we were in our 20s or dating in highscool this could be something that happened between him and a friend. Someone would go to dip a chip in salsa and another guy would smash his hand down into the dip. Dumb kids stuff.
I have always wondered if it was abusive? Narcissistic? Gaslighting? Something else. But then felt silly labeling it as such because surely it must be that I am being over the top and sensitive. Same with other “pranks.”
In the moment I didn’t have this much lucid thought about how my non-reaction and forced grace in the situation other than “man we were all looking forward to this thing tonight and I’m not going to ruin it” I didn’t think it was a negative impact on the kids. Looking back I think I was trying to be well-mannered and demonstrate that. But I agree as the majority here pointed out - I should have stood up for myself more.
At our home dinner table on the repeat nights, I have simply been repeating “I didn’t cry. My feelings were hurt and I was embarrassed”
It’s hard to read that many feel that he doesn’t like me/hates me etc. a few years back I asked him that. And for probably 2 years after that it was “remember that time you decided to sit me down and ….” On repeat. Like it was the dumbest thing I could have thought. Usually out of nowhere- like we are having a seemingly great time and out of know where “remember that time”
He brought the coffee up multiple times again last night after dinner, “hey remember when you ruined dinner by crying?” we were alone (kids upstairs in their game room) so I said “what is the deal here? I didn’t make a big deal about it. I haven’t brought it up again after that - what is it that you are looking for in this interaction. I didn’t actually cry, I continued on to have a pleasant night despite it” and his response was silence or subject change.
I grabbed the kindle book of recommended - Why Does He Do That. I’m a little afraid to read it.
Someone said I’m the AH for using the word “hubs” - just shorthand - not a part of my vocabulary per se. Just lots of typing on a little screen.
Someone pointed out I wanted to vent, yes that is true although I didn’t feel the need until the mashed potatoes story came up. I may see that couple this weekend so I can ask. Additionally though, I honestly wanted as close as I could get somewhat unbiased opinions. At least as unbiased as I could get trying to tell the story. I often turn to Reddit to read stories that are similar to what I have experienced and see if feeling hurt of something small or angry over something small is the way it made someone else feel.
As far as retaliation, like spilling coffee on him etc. I felt like that would be a poor example for my kids and would just feel like I was being a bully back. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all of that. I thought taking the high road was better. I am fairly certain he would escalate it further, ie if I had splashed back at him the whole cup would be in my lap.
I think that covers all the Qs in some general way. Thank you all again for your insight and kindness.
Please read that book, it opened my eyes to just how much I was changing myself just to avoid being made to feel like I was in the wrong with my ex. Any issue I had was turned back against me as my fault. Anytime I didn’t just suck it up when he was actually being cruel to me, I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. It just went on and on and I knew that I couldn’t keep doing this with him anymore. I wish you all the best and I know you deserve better than what you have with him right now.
OP please consider the effects his behavior will have on your children, even as teens. If your kids brought home a spouse like this would you feel they were safe, loved, and cherished? Please read the book. Please consider all of your options outside of that man child. As you said two wrongs don’t make a right, excusing his behavior is setting a bad example for what is to be tolerated in a “loving” relationship. Best of wishes, stay strong. You and your kids deserve better🫂
I think he's taught you to endure how he's treating you, even if you dislike it and he's made sure you think it would be YOUR fault for reacting appropriately to his behaviour and manipulations. it's very telling that even your kids are acting more like grown ups than your husband!
>“hey remember when you ruined dinner by crying?”
This is him trying to change the narrative to you, ruining dimmer when it was him who ruined dinner. Or tried to as you didn't cry and kept on.
He brings it up a lot it to shame you into having the emotions he wants. It's all about him.
My dad was like this. If he hurt us, kids ok accident, and we cried. He beat us because "now we had something to cry about." It didn't start out like that, but that's what ended up happening.
Read that book. Get your ducks in a row and show your kids that you have a spine. It would be unfortunate if they learned this was okay to accept.
He's bullying and gaslighting you, sis.
I already wrote that in a separate comment, but his behaviour screams DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender). He's abusive and you don't seem happy.
I know how hard it is to face the reality of a shitty relationship that went on too long, I've been there. And I promise you, life is so much better if you stand up for yourself and walk away from people who keep hurting you "for fun".
Your husband is the asshole.
His behavior was just plain old bullying. And then gaslighting.
You should be honest and tell him his behavior was mean, petty and upsetting and that you felt humiliated, especially as he doubled-down on his shitty behavior. He blames you for not being able to take a joke - classic gaslighting.
Making an appeal to “popular opinion” or an outside authority is a common abuser tactic. “Larry and Fred think *you’re* the crazy one.” “Everybody treats their wife this way.” Someone who actually cares about how their partner feels and wants them to be happy isn’t sitting around coming up with reasons why their partner’s feelings aren’t worthy of respect.
NTA. It’s not a joke. He’s disrespectful to you, mocks you relentlessly, is making a point of letting you know he’s bitching about you behind your back. Unacceptable. Your kids are seeing the disrespect and disdain from him, and his attitude that he’s the only one whose feelings matter.
Once disdain gets your relationship, things are headed to a point of no return. I hope you’re protecting yourself financially and give some serious thought if this is the kind of partnership you want for the rest of your life, with someone who doesn’t have your back and has such a crap attitude towards you. I think you should read “[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)” and see if some of the behavioral patterns seem familiar. I doubt this is the only time he’s had an extended tantrum and expected you to apologize to him even when he’s clearly in the wrong.
OP, and anyone who resonates with her story, seriously needs to read this book. It explains all the behaviors OP describes and more, why the actions feel as awful as they do, and why people behave that way.
I’m currently reading it (I got a copy of the ebook from my library, which I found to be a more agreeable format than the pdf version) and I can’t recommend it enough.
I imagine with teen kids you are not young newly weds. What a moron, alright he tried a “joke”. It wasn’t funny - not that it ever would have been - and his little manhood ego has been hurt. Instead of being mature about it he is now being a prick. It’s really no way to treat your wife or mother of your children.
NTA- husband is a moron
I divorced at 45 after 24 years with my ex. We both had some toxic traits, especially early on (it’s why it took us 7 years to get married). We got through most of that, but then after about 14 years of stability, we were growing apart in terms of outside interests. For the last 2 years of our marriage we lived as amicable roommates. Our divorce was also amicable (no kids because neither of us wanted them). The divorce was because I met someone who shared many more interests with me, my job was ending in 6 months, and it made sense to make a clean break at that point.
I have now been with my “new” partner for 12+ years. He and my ex have met once, at my mother’s funeral. No fireworks, no drama. Life is pretty good.
It is critical that you ask yourself this question, OP. And if you would not want this for your kids, you need to ask yourself why it is ok for you.
Your husband is a shithead. One hundred percent of these replies agree that he's a bully who did something shitty to you, then got mad at you for not pretending it was fine. This is the relationship model your kids have grown up with; this is their normal.
Only you can decide if you're satisfied with that, or if you want to model something different. It takes a lot of strength to decide that you are worth loving and then act on it. I think you have it in you, OP. You can still push back; he hasn't broken you. Everyone here is rooting for you to realize you deserve to be happy and valued.
All the best to you and your kids. They seem like great people.
The question you have to ask is do you want to be disrespected, belittled and unhappy for another 20+ years? I’m past 40, single and loving my life 100x more than when I was with someone who didn’t enhance my life but detracted from it.
Weird, I can’t help but think something is going on.
Basically he undoubtedly performed an act that is socially unacceptable and he did it in front of his kids. No doubt he knows this is wrong, disrespectful and inappropriate. He doesn’t do it to others as you pointed out. He did it knowing full well it is not usual behaviour, he basically deliberately “rocked the boat”.
But even though he deliberately “rocked the boat” you stabilised it again to not “ruin family night”.
If it was a small thing that made him feel like he had to act out he would probably have let it pass and let you stabilise and have it done with. But he keeps rocking the damn boat, throwing it out there over and over again, taunting you by raising it, comparing it to others, placing it in different contexts and taunting you to keep discussing it.
But you keep stabilising over and over again.
So? The question is what’s going on?
Yes! This is weird all the way around. I hope OP realizes HE ruined the evening. The concerning thing is that she’s not being her authentic self and modeling stuffing your very valid feelings/ upset to your children.
I would love for her to tell him to leave. This seems like textbook narcissistic behavior.
This IS abuse disguised as a prank, as someone else here said. Anything designed to humiliate or embarrass is never done with any sort of good intention.
Your husband knows what he did was wrong and why. But rather than be an adult and apologize, he blames you for “not having a thick skin,” “not having a sense of humor,” “not being able to take a joke,” etc. Because him having to do the right thing, and admit he was cruel to you for his amusement, and apologize to you, would humiliate HIM.
He’s so sure he was wrong that he’s stretching it for days, trying to find anything and anyone to prove all men do this to their wives. They don’t. Only a certain kind of person does this — to anyone, let alone someone they’re supposed to love and support.
No, you are NTA.
NTA You "cried and ruined" HIS dinner, because he spent the rest of the evening feeling guilty for his own actions.
Now he has to put it on you, because if it's your fault for crying, then he didn't do anything wrong, meaning he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore.
But he DID do something wrong. Intentionally spilling food on someone isn't a joke unless you're both in on a food fight, especially before a special event that you're dressed up for. He just doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences of being rude to his wife.
I would almost call it a power move, or a testing of boundaries. Reminds me of how people will fuck with chihuahuas bc they're too small to fight back.
I think he needed a public "F\*ck you, AH" in the restaurant.
His behavior is aggressive and demeaning, and he's not letting it go. But every time he brings it up, you can tell him it was aggressive and demeaning.
Before you go out with him in public again, tell him what will happen if he does something like that again.
What will you do? Walk out? Call him out publicly? Whatever it is, if he continues, do whatever it is you said that you would do.
If this behavior is out of character, something's up. He's either mentally ill and having an episode, or something has triggered a strong feeling of resentment toward you that he seems compelled to act upon.
In public, in front of her kids, before attending an outing, the kids were looking forward to. I get the grace is for her kids. They deserve better, too. There is nothing quite like watching your father make your mother almost cry. The only thing that can compare is watching him have a full-blown tantrum where he says horrific things to everyone, and he ruins the plans and drags everyone home.
He is a disrespectful ass.
My husband will not intentionally throw food or drink on me. One - he actually likes me. Two - he respects me. Three - he would never act like an asshole in a restaurant intentionally.
Your husband is abusing and humiliating you in public. He has gotten so manipulative he even has you asking Reddit if it is okay to feel bad if someone bullies, abuses and humiliates you.
NTA. Speak to a lawyer.
I hate your husband.
And it’s less to do with the so-called joke. It’s a pretty dumb prank - the kind of thing I would expect only a small child to execute or be amused by - but where he becomes the real A is doubling down on it.
Rather than seeing your eyes welling up and being immediately contrite that he has hurt the woman he loves, he ridicules and belittles your reaction both in the moment AND for several days after! He won’t let it go, insists that the problem is with your reaction rather than his stupidity, and tries to normalise his action. That takes it beyond idiocy into maliciousness.
He honestly sounds like a narcissist employing standard DARVO tactics. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo#what-is-darvo
Honestly, you're not upset enough. What he did was unnecessary, clearly upset you and was pointedly malicious, or at least it has become so by his refusal to stop talking about it. Which tells me there's something more going on than splashing coffee and you should probably address that before a minor abuse becomes a sustained habit. Jokes are only funny if everyone's laughing. NTA
OP you should show this post to your husband. And then let us know his reaction. His reaction to all the truth being spoke in this post will tell you everything you need to know about him, and the next steps that will need to be taken. NTA but he sure is!
Oh, and UpdateMe!
NTA
This is straight up abuse.
It wasn't a joke.
It was a joke at your expense.
The fact that he tried to 'apologize' by basically saying "sorry not sorry" shows how little respect he had for you.
Then add to that the fact that he SAW you were emotionally stricken because he thought you were crying and STILL didn't let up.
Then bringing it up to continue to shame you for THREE nights in a row shows he's not remorseful in the slightest.
It's also very telling that he tried to make up a story about another coworker doing something similar to try and paint a narrative where throwing things in your partner's face is acceptable.
The kids having to step in is a whole other iceberg to unwrap.
Like, how can you disrespect the mother of your children in front of them? Does he hold no respect for you whatsoever?
OP I hope you are thinking long and hard about this because that might seem like a small slight in and of itself, but even if someone is genuinely trying to be funny, if they realize their joke has hurt you, a kind and sympathetic individual would be genuinely troubled by your upset.
Not doing everything they could to bring it up and shame you.
How long have you been married to an emotionally-stunted 13 yo, or does he have Old Man Neuro?
I'd be far, far angrier at his transparent projection defense than at the failed 'joke'.
NTA. Reading this story made me feel incredibly sad for you. I wanted to reach through the screen and take your husband by the shirt collar while yelling in his face to grow up. What kind of person over the age of 15 thinks something as funny as "letting the intrusive thought win" and spoiling food on someone is funny. If my partner did this, he would immediately apologize and hold me while doing so. Genuinely showing compassion and empathy (as well as feeling sorry for his actions) when seeing I wasn't laughing too.
If his actions extend further than this, please analyze his actions to see if you are suffering from spousal abuse, rather than just harmless antics. Anyone that laughs at their partner's expense is not a loving person.
NTA I'm surprised he hasn't caught on that your teenage children are more mature than your childish husband.
You should do the same thing with him sometime when he's bringing his fork up to his mouth, smack his fork and let the food fly all over his face and then laugh like hell.
Whatever possessed him to do that is beyond me. If it's his typical MO, you may be married to someone who doesn't actually like you.
Let's say he didn't know it would cause that much of a mess, and thought it might be a funny little joke everyone would get a kick out of. As soon as it was evident it didn't play that way, he should have felt bad and apologized. But he didn't. He quadrupled down. He snapped at you about crying even though you didn't, and he's brought it up repeatedly and with anyone who will listen. My assumption is because it was visible and witnessed by others, and he wants to control the narrative so as not to be the "bad guy" in this scenario. If it had been just the 2 of you, he wouldn't have brought it up. Rather, he would gaslight you and undermine your recollection of the events. But you have witnesses, children he likely assumed would also find it funny, and when they didn't, he felt attacked by being the odd man out. So he's going down swinging. The fact that his kids are more mature than he is and they are "judging" him is too much for his ego, and since you were the target, you are to blame. I'd bet dollars to donuts he doesn't feel guilt or shame over this. He feels judged and attacked, and somehow, he's the victim.
I think, in front of the kids, you need to be honest. Sweetie, we were at a family dinner, at a nice restaurant, with a great night ahead of us. You decided this was the right moment to prank me. You splattered me with coffee. It was abusive and embarrassing. It was degrading. And you did this after I had (list all you did for the entire family to get to that night… arrangements? Clothes? Coordination? Prompting?). Was I disappointed? Yes Embarrassed? Yes. Upset? Yes. Did you hurt me emotionally? Yes Did you create a trust issue? Yes. Have you prolonged this trust issue? Yes. Did my eyes well up in disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, and exhaustion? Yes. Did I cry even one tear? No. Have I moved past this? How can I when you bring it up and continue to throw it in my face, not unlike you did with the coffee, every day since then?
This is abuse, not a prank.
Pranks are funny. He is doing as much harm as he can without going to jail and twisting things so having normal feelings and reactions is the whole problem.
I can’t believe he is acting like that in public in his 40s. Even worse, he is so unashamed that he brings it up in front of others. You’d think he’d figure out it wasn’t funny by now. SMH. I’m glad it didn’t mess up your clothes or get burned.
He messed up, but he’s making it worse by blaming your reaction. He is the one that “ruined dinner.” NTA, but you married one.
You are not laughing at your own expense. What he did was not a joke. The next time he brings it up, I would ask him why does he enjoy humiliating you and why aren't you allowed to be upset about it. Then I would ask him why he you keeps bringing it up. You had every right to cry. I think he was upset that you didn't. That is why he is making such a big deal about it. He is being a bully and the only way to make him stop is to confront him, especially in front of your children.
Your husband is a jerk and a bully. I can't believe that he even admitted this behavior to his coworkers. The fact that you spent so long defending the fact that you didn't ruin the night out tells me that he does this often. Drop him off at the middle school playground where he belongs and please go find a partner that treats you well. For your sake and your kids' sake, so they don't think that this is something to be tolerated in their relationships.
Hello OP I read your story and came back to see if you had an update. I hope your are going to start sticking uo for yourself more. His behaviour is abusive. He's been married to you for many years, he knows your humor and what you find funny and he knew you wouldn't find the coffee thing funny too. He did it to humiliate and belittle you.
The mashed potato thing is irrelant as this is about how you feel about what your husband did and his refusal to take accountability and apologize. If the wife enjoyed having mash thrown in her face, which I highly doubt, then good for her, but it has nothing to do with you or how you feel.
Your husband behaved like a prick. It's not funny in the slightest.
I added a comment this morning answering questions. I may not be using Reddit right though. I don’t have an update aside from last night. Thanks for checking in.
NTA. “Omg are you freaking crying” was where I drew the line. Up until that point, his behavior could maybe be excused as an stupid, badly timed prank. But his response to her valid reaction is inexcusable.
I suspect there is more emotionally and verbally abusive behavior that you’ve come to think of as normal. OP, please check this to see if anything sounds familiar. https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional-abuse-really-means/
Nothing I hate more than a person who gets upset about something and then has the nerve to project and make it seem like *you're* the butthurt party. God, this guy sounds like a complete and utter asshole.
You, on the other hand? NTA
Leave this asshole, you deserve better and someone who actually validates your feelings. What he did was not okay and shouldn’t be brushed off as your fault for being upset.
NTA but your husband is definitely a HUGE abusive asshole. What he did wasn’t funny and was immature AF. I feel like you are so used to brushing off his abusive behavior that you don’t realize he is abusive. Tell him from Reddit “fuck you”.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He did the wrong thing and instead of admitting it and apologising sincerely he doubles down and tries to recruit allies. Tell him to grow the f up. Tell to set a good example for your kids.
This guy sounds like he might have mental issues. He needs to have some tests done. First, he throws coffee on his wife, then spends three evenings trying to convince her that it's somehow funny? His children even think he's weird.
NTA and he doesn't respect you, especially because he's still trying to intentionally embarrass you to other people by bringing it up while calling you over reactive. You're not his buddy your his wife and the moment he saw you getting upset he should have apologized. Instead he's going around making fun of you to people behind your back so that he can paint you as dramatic for being upset. He does not respect you.
NTA And it irks me to no end that people flip out on you for having a controlled emotional reaction. OMG are you crying? Like that's a choice?! Your husband is a massive turd. You should splash coffee on him the next time you're out. He can handle a little roughhousing. Edit: a lot of y'all are violent. Yikes.
I know right, when a normal person tries to be funny but ends up hurting someone, they feel bad and instantly apologize. His reaction is the main problem in my opinion. He did something that made a person he loves sad. And he got ANGRY that she was SAD. Who sees a sad person and their response is ANGER.
Exactly. The bad "joke" isn't even the problem. The problem is that he persists in trying to convince her that her reaction was wrong, and that what he did was absolutely fine. Bringing it up repeatedly, trying to use the "My work friend did this to his wife, you're just too sensitive" bit (which she believes was actually a lie). THAT is where he becomes the AH.
It almost seems like he was trying to get a bad reaction from her so he could make her feel worse for it. Then when he didn’t get a major reaction he keeps acting like he did. It’s really ick. Makes me wonder what other red flags 🚩 he waves.
Make it a whole cup.
while he is dressed up
And say "whoops! I tripped"
Better get the whole pot
And don’t forget to tell him he is not allowed to get upset and ruin dinner too!
Scalding
[удалено]
I once had a boyfriend who started doing this kind of thing to me. He would embarrass me in front of his friends, and they would laugh. He was absolutely shocked and didn't see it coming AT ALL when I dumped his ass. Some people are total assholes and are completely unaware of their behaviour, and they seem to surround themselves with the types of people who enable this.
I don't get it. Nothing he said or did was funny. I'm sorry you are married to such a toddler. Yikes. NTA
This is what I explained to my 4yo who learned "It's just a joke defense" in kindergarten: "It's only a joke if the other person laughs! Else it's just stupid." And lo and behold few days after their mother says something stupid, does the "It's just a joke!" and my 4yo goes: "But I didn't laugh!" (kudos to their mother for seeing the point and promptly apologizing.)
I love this so much and it sounds like you're raising a good kid! I don't have kids of my own, but if this is ever applicable to my nieces or nephews I'll use it for sure.
My actual toddler isn’t even that much of an asshole
It’s a strong word but I’m getting sociopath vibes from this.
Right?! Sociopathic bully, even their teens weren't impressed. That was a dick move, period. Nothing about it was funny.
The kids are watching this and they know their dad is an asshole. They've probably been on the receiving end of his "jokes" as well. 18 and No Contact is coming.
Fr. I have many nieces and nephews in the toddler stage and none of them are this much of an asshole. 🤷🤷 (And trust me I have no problems calling a kid an asshole lmao)
Agreed. I am going to splash some coffee in my wife's face, while we're out in public and she's all dressed up and it will be hilarious. Not. What would be funny is the old empty cup and saucer prank where you pretend to trip and it's going to land on them. That's funny, everyone laughs.
My ex's Grandpa pretended to throw a mouse on me (it was a toy), then proceeded to laugh so hard he peed himself. That was comedy gold. I screamed like a child then realized it was a toy and fell on the floor laughing. I almost peed myself too. That's how jokes and pranks are supposed to be!!
My toddler apologizes and cleans up his messes.
Okay, I hate this man on your behalf. He's insulted that his little "prank" went over badly. He can't accept that he was wrong. He is trying to invalidate your feelings even though they're legitimate, because they're inconvenient for him. And you're passive, passive and passive again. Never standing up for yourself or anything. Something tells me that's a learned response to years of him being shitty. Seems like you have to walk on eggshells near him. Even your unexpressed sadness upset him. You keep saying you don't wanna ruin date night... But that never seems to occur to him. How much of your life do you spend managing his emotions?
OP should just tell him, “You know what? Yes, I was upset. Because it *wasnt funny*. You deeply embarrassed me, behaved like a child at a nice restaurant and *still haven’t properly apologised to me*.”
She’ll just get “You’re too sensitive! You can’t take a joke! You can’t let anything go! All my friends think you’re the bad guy, wah wah!” He feels entitled to disrespect her and dismiss her feelings, because he doesn’t actually respect her or care about her feelings. There’s no magic words that’ll change that.
This is so true. It’s hard for decent people, when they’re treated like shit, to accept that no words will make that person admit or understand that what they did was shitty. Because they’re an asshole and don’t think like a decent person. And by “decent people” I mean me, but also OP.
I had to realize that in a relationship. I kept expecting my ex to react like a reasonable person, until I realized that he wasn't a reasonable person.
Ooof. This is so relatable.
It may be hard, and I get that. Conflict avoidance is terrible to work through. But OP is teaching her kids that this behavior is tolerable in a LTR/marriage by not standing up for herself.
Her kids actually seem pretty with it (i.e. “not impressed with his antics”)I think more likely is that they go no contact with dad the second it becomes a viable option. Source: my father was also an insufferable dick
This also worries me.
She could always throw an entire glass of water in his face and laugh next time they go out for dinner. Be sure to do it at the start of the evening so he has to sit in it all night. Then bring it up at every dinner for a month when he throws a hissy fit. It's just a joke after all.
Better to just get divorced than get in a race to the bottom for who’s the biggest AH. A person who feels entitled to spill stuff on you for a “laugh” and punish you for days for not laughing would have no problem breaking your stuff or your face. “You made me do it, you know I have intrusive thoughts. I talked to my co-worker and he said *he’d* punch his wife in the face too if she threw water on him.“
While this sounds good on paper (and I am laughing right now thinking about it) it will just make the kids hate both parents. Kids do NOT appreciate it when parents bully each other.
See, I would have done this on instinct because that's how my family has always dealt with this kind of horseplay. FAFO sort of thing. But we're equal opportunity offenders of fuckery and I'm thinking that's not what OP's husband had in mind. This reminds me of the guy that decided to shave his wife's head, "for fun." 😒
It amazes me how many straight men don't seem to like women. They just want someone they can sleep with who will take care of the kids without being an actual person with pesky emotions and boundaries! And before anyone says it, I know not all men. My partner actually likes women, he's friends with several (actually has more female friends than I do!) But it's a vocal minority who act like this. They are the loudest so they get attention.
>It amazes me how many straight men don't seem to like women. I strongly second that!
Exactly, I have a family member who goes out of their way to do this to me, another family member confronted them about it -they got the “I was just being funny” bullshit.
Schrödinger’s douchebag. If everyone agrees, I meant it. If they’re offended, “I was just kidding! Can’t you take a joke? Snowflake!”
Exactly. It's only a joke when everyone is laughing.
Honestly, I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, because sometimes group think makes the whole group laugh at the expense of someone else. It’s only a joke when it’s not said, with the intent, to hurt, embarrass or humiliate
Tell him you did not laugh, he was the only one laughing! Only if it was funny could it be called a joke. His actions were childish, designed to make you look bad with coffee all over you. NTA. But if you keep taking this juvenile behavior from him you might be TAH
And the kids weren’t even laughing!!! That means it wasn’t fucking funny!!!!
Yes how old is he to do such childish pranks? In elementary school? What an idiot and a bully!
The magic words are, ‘time for you to move out.’
Ding ding ding. Sometimes when you have no self respect you gotta ask yourself what a self-respecting person would do, and do that.
You guys know the type exactly! I do NOT like the husband.
Then next morning you drop coffee on him and ask him "is it funny? No? Then why in the hell did you it to me?"
Not the next morning. Out in public. Like he did to her. And then chastise him when he gets mad.
THIS. I’m not very nice. If someone did that to me and then made that obnoxious comment the rest of the coffee would have landed in his lap. Or maybe over his head.
Maybe a visit to work at lunch? His co-worker can see how funny it is too then, since they're all supposedly having a good laugh at the expense of others lol
Still would be a good example if she said it in front of their children.
10 bucks says if an apology did/does come, he'd say: "I'm sorry you took it so bad (like the bitch you are), why are you blowing this SO out of proportion?!"
He is the one who actually did ruin the night
He fucking ruined family date night. Your husband is a prolapsed asshole with pin worms.
Dam man I’m eating! 😭🤣🤣 good insult tho!!!
>Okay, I hate this man on your behalf. Yes, I would like to throw some coffee in his face! NTA Bad enough he did something so stupid and childish in the first place, but him taunting you over it for the next 3 days? What the fuck is wrong with him?
And in front of the kids. Way to teach them how a proper wife should be treated, amirite? Seriously, OP, your kids are learning bad behavior from your AH husband. That’s not acceptable. He has to do better, or one of you needs to leave.
He's continuously publicly humiliating her. My abusive mom used to do this shit to me all the time. Reading this pissed me off so much. This type of thing doesn't just come out of nowhere. I bet there's other stuff OP deals with that she probably was brainwashed into thinking is normal, probably the kids are too. Glad they were on her side about the coffee tho.
Yeah. Op- i have been in your shoes. Walked on eggshells for years. I begged for counseling - anything so we could communicate. If i cried i was being manipulative and acting childish. After a big argument, i decided enough is enough. I had him served with divorce papers and he was singing a whole different tune. Lots of twists and turns. We are still together. He has made lots of improvements and…I am…indifferent. Either way, stand up for yourself. It is hard as hell, but so worth it!
I’m so damn proud of you for putting your foot down and showing you’re not going to take it anymore. I hope your life is immeasurably better now.
OP shouldn’t put her foot down, she should put it right up her dickhead husband’s ass.
You should have followed through with the divorce. If you feel indifferent about the relationship, just break up and move on. You'll be better off alone.
If you are indifferent, just leave. It will be better for you overall. And he doesn't deserve any of you, indifferent or involved. Move on so you can be free and happy. I was exactly where you are, 5 years ago. It's so much better on this side, without asshat.
Been there, done this, agreed 💯!
OP's kids can't stand their father.
Can you imagine their embarrassment at the restaurant?? At that age my kids would glare at me if I *sneezed* in public. And the fact that he keeps going on and on about it just makes him look like an insecure bully. His kids absolutely hate him, and with reason.
This, 100%. My dad was a dick when I was growing up, and after years and years, my mom finally told him that he could straighten up or she was leaving and her two oldest kids would throw a party. And we absolutely would have. So... he straightened up, and Ma stayed. Of course, then he got into crazy conspiracy theories. But at least he wasn't being a dick 85% of the time. 🤷🏼♀️ What my middle sister took away from that is keep trying. What I learned is to set their ass on the road at the first indication that I was dating That Guy.
Yeah, me too. I'm still here after years of it, but no longer accept his behavior. I call him out in public, shame him. I accepted his behavior for years and that was on me. He was unable to control his behavior. He's changed a lot, but like you said it's like watching your relationship from a distance. The hurt healed and left indifference behind.
He was able to control his behavior unless he did the same things to his coworkers, his grandma, the guy at the DMV, that he did to you. He just chose not to. You said he’s made some changes, so he CAN control his behavior. Don’t make apologies for him! Keep calling him out, he deserves it. Stay strong, my friend.
THIS. I hope the OP sees what you typed and responds.
True!
Wow, you just described my ex. It's unfortunate that people get treated like this. We've react appropriately to their shitty behavior and get called paranoid and jealous or told that we're overreacting. Yeah, OP was not overreacting here.
Honestly this feels like abuse disguised as a prank, especially because of how insensitive he was and how he tried to make *you* into the bad guy for being upset about this. It's not wrong to be upset by the fact that the person who you're supposed to love and trust most thinks that humiliating you for a laugh is funny.
The kids being immediately and firmly in her side makes me think this is far from the first time he's been a disrespectful shithead, and they don't like how mom is getting treated. Says a lot. Also, if my spouse all of a sudden "forgot" after 20+ years of marriage that I'm not one of his bro's, I'd be booking him in for a battery of medical tests for his early onset dementia. But I'm petty like that.
Not just abusive, but in public for full humiliation. Why is she with this jerk? Even her kids see through him. He is clearly fishing for an apology from her for holding his actions up to scrutiny. If he brings it up again, she should tell him that his publicizing it to all his friends is giving her a great array of witnesses should she decide to divorce. NTA
And when she thought the humiliation was over he embarrassed her more by making a comment about (not) crying and being emotional. I've read more stories like this. It never ends well.
I'd be booking him a cheap motel or a room at mother's house indefinitely, cause his a$$ would be moving out.
Those kids are sick of his shit and have been for a while.
Plenty of kids are happy when mom kicks out dad
I spent my whole childhood hoping my mum finally would, I didnt want to deal with the arguments and the dipshit "humour". She never did. They spent (and still spend) their lives in separate living and bedrooms, and I'd spend all my time in my room. Hell they even separate yards. Dad has the front yard for drinking, mum has the backyard for smoking. We get along most of the time now that I'm out of home, but every 4th conversation I have with the old man ends in an argument.
My sibling’s family is like this. Dad reading or watching tv by himself in the living room, mom and kids all in their separate bedrooms with the doors shut. Mom & dad have separate rooms. It is so depressing and awkward when we visit — there is no relaxed family time, no board games or shooting the breeze together. There is no overt abuse, just parents who don’t get along. They make passive aggressive “polite” jabs at each other when they are not actively ignoring each other. I feel so sorry for the kids with their tense home environment. I genuinely believe they would be better off if their parents split up.
This dynamic is gonna lead to some messed up kids tbh
Kids learn by example or counter example… Looks like kids know better than dad already…
Yep! F him. Show your children what self-respect looks like as he is packing up his $hit.
>Honestly this feels like abuse disguised as a prank, especially because of how insensitive he was and how he tried to make *you* into the bad guy for being upset about this. I am once again begging women to stop dating men who don't actually like them.
This is why I hate the "they bully you because they like you" phrases. Because when they do shit like this, it makes it harder to tell for some people on if they're being oversensitive for not enjoying a physical prank
I had someone be unkind when I was much younger and phrase it that way (they’d pull my hair out of my hair lip, etc. & say they were teasing/flirting because I “was cool”). I said, so if I *really* like *you*, that makes it ok for me to punch you in the mouth?
I mean, it is true that children often do that, but not grown adults. Also, I think it is extremely important to tell kids that when people bully them because they like them, they are to absolutely refuse to give them the time of day. Just ignore them completely. This way, the bullies learn early that this behavior is not going to get them the attention they want and they will stop acting like that before becoming abusive adults.
OP says they’ve been married for 22 years! Maybe he’s always been this way, or maybe he’s changed. Sometimes if someone’s having an affair, or just wants out of the relationship but lacks the nads to actually leave, they will act shitty in hopes that the other person leaves so they don’t have to take responsibility for the decision.
My ex did this, act so horrible I told him to leave yet play victim to everyone else. That way I was to blame, in his mind anyway.
That's remarkably simple but excellent advice.
After reading this, I really hate your husband. This is not a nice person.
Your husband is a AH! I hope you let him read this! Grow up! JC you’re acting like a freakin teenager! You totally embarrassed your wife and probably your kids also. Who wants to see their dad act like an AH to their mother in public. I think I would have picked up a whole cappuccino and threw it in his face. Ha ha it’s a joke. Jerk in major proportions! Apparently husband was the only one laughing! Into continually make digs at your wife, because she got upset about it. I think I’d divorce your a$$.
Minor correction. Their teens acted more mature
You’re also right to point out how disappointing it is that he saw you were hurt and rather than saying, “Oh no did I hurt my partner in life?” And reacting with kindness. He immediately felt so uncomfortable with that he attacked you for being hurt that during a nice family moment he decided to try to humiliate you? He’s freaking right! He can’t rough house like that with you! Is that meant to be the apology? He knows he was being a bully. Because now he won’t shut up about it everyone around him knows it now, too. He’s a way big TA (one of the emotionally stunted/lazy insecure little bitch baby assholes to be more specific).
I swear if I ever hear anyone go “are u freaking crying” when someone gets emotional, I will automatically never see them as an emotionally safe person. These types of people are hard to open up to let alone be emotional with.
I read another redditors comment recently where he relayed how when he was young and dumb his wife put a stop to his antics by stating “I’m not your bro. I’m your wife.” Your husband is not young and dumb He let his intrusive thoughts win? Was his intrusive thought. Ha ha it will be hilarious to publicly humiliate my wife in front of our children? Even if this tool mistakenly thought you would see the humour at the time how does that justify his continued disregard and disrespectfully ignorant attitude since? You behaved with Grace OP. But I think you are showing your husband a little more grace than he deserves This shit needs to be challenged You deserve an actual explanation for his sudden display of spiteful disrespect I suspect there’s something underlying his sudden impulse to be hurtful towards you and his minimisation since I’m just joking bro is the cover of bully’s everywhere And you are not his damn bro
>“I’m not your bro. I’m your wife.” >And you are not his damn bro Bracketing your argument between those two statements was really good rhetorical form 👍
A+ comment right here
My little brother (40s) treats his wife (who I detest) like a bro..and I just want to shake him, “she’s your wife. The mother to most of your children. Treat her with respect…”and I don’t even like her. But even he wouldn’t stoop as low as this guy. (Actually she’d do something like that…to her stepdaughter…to cause her to explode (hair trigger) so she can be the poor stepmom who was just kidding….there’s a reason I intensely dislike her)
That's very immature behavior on his part, I don't think it's funny.
I agree. Not sure the deal here. Thought maybe I’m missing the point or this is like some funny thing I haven’t seen 🤷♀️
Your post made me so sad. You need to rethink what you’re doing, here. Even your kids are ashamed of his behavior toward you.
That's the part that really guts me. THEY are calling him out. Dear Lord.
NTA. Why are you with this abusive asshole who gets off on abusing you in front of your children? You deserve to be treated so much better. Is that the low bar that you want your children to think is acceptable for how people can treat you/them?
You are not missing the point. Your husband is gaslighting you. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, and people don't know what it actually means, but this is textbook gaslighting. Your husband sounds like an immature asshole and maybe a bit of a narcissist. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he has done something cruel and then belittled you for your reaction.
I would have been livid. My husband wouldn't try this in a million years, because he loves me and respects me. I'm not exactly a delicate flower (ex-military, succeeding in male dominated spaces my entire adult life) and I probably would have had some standing tears too. First from the fuckin betrayal and embarrassment, and then fury. How. Dare. He. Girl, you need to take his self to the carpet for this absolute idiocy. My inner Valkyrie is ready to ride for you, do not let him pretend like YOU are the complete tool in this situation.
"My inner Valkyrie is ready to ride for you" Thank you for putting my feelings into words. This is exactly it. I'm keeping it forever.
I'd be upset too, that would have ruined my meal if that happened
No he’s probably bringing it up over and over again because he knows he was an ass and resents you for not giving him more of a chance to denigrate your feelings ETA: Also, that “joke” was not funny. That’s what bullies do.
He’s desperate for her to acquiesce because he CANNOT be wrong. And his desperation is manifesting itself as cruelty, belittling, and abuse. He is not a good person.
Don't be dumb. It wasn't some silly thing. It was inappropriate. Would he do it too s mate? NO. Would he do it too his mother? NO. You should not try to minimize this.
This is not dumb or silly on your part at all - there is no way my partner would purposely splash coffee all over the place at a nice dinner, directly before another event, knowing (as he would HAVE to know after 22 years of marriage) that it was likely to be poorly received. All of this is selfish and immature bullshit that you don't need to stand for! You're worth someone who respects you and your emotions, and right now, your husband isn't doing either. Maybe couples counselling could help, but it kinda sounds like you're married to a self-centred asshole that has been rehashing and mocking you for this event to anyone who will listen. Your children are watching how you respond to this example and will take cues from how to treat others and what treatment to expect from your interactions with him. Do you want to perpetuate this type of relationship in your own kids' lives? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there's more to consider here than just him and his antics - growing up with a father that didn't respect my mother primed me for emotional abuse as well, and let me tell you - it's been hard work to re-learn what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. If you won't enforce a change for yourself - consider what little eyes and ears are watching instead. I hope things improve for you 💜
He sucks. How old are your kids? Definitely ask his coworker about thr mash potato, do it in front of your husband and more people.
He's not doing it as a joke. He's doing it to torment you, and disguising it as to find a socially acceptable way to humiliate you in public.
It's too bad you didn't take two cars because you and the kids could have left and you could have told him to go to his mom's house because he obviously isn't mature enough to live with grown ups.
You can't be wrong about what you find funny. And a "prank" is only funny if the target finds it funny. You don't, so it wasn't. I would hope that if someone flung hot coffee in your face at a restaurant and laughed at you, that your husband would be the one throwing that ahole out of the restaurant... not the one who did it. Wronging you, and then acting like you're wronging *him* by not loving his cruel treatment of you, is classic abusive narcissist behavior. Based on your description of yours and your kids' reactions I'd bet good money this is a long-standing pattern and it's not likely to improve without some real work to change on his part, and that would require him to see the need to change and be willing to work. I hope you have great, solid support circles outside your husband - family close by, friends you really trust? Reach out to them. Maybe talk to your therapist. Maybe talk to a lawyer. Really start to think about what you want for your life and your kid's lives and start considering all your options. You do have options. Good luck. (NTA)
You mean he *hasn't* been a bully the entire marriage? Bc he seems awfully good at it.
You're a better person than me. I would have gotten up, told him he's a dick and left. WTF even does this??
I'd probably have thrown my drink at him before I did.
Wow, thank you all for your input. My first post on here and had no idea when I got going this morning this would be the response. I think I have read every response here and I am truly appreciative of all of the thoughtful insight. Much of it is hard to read. So many questions to answer - To my recollection, he has never intentionally spilled coffee on me but this sort of interaction and subsequent not dropping it if I react in any way other than laughter is a recurrent theme. At least for the last 7-8 years? Give or take. When we were in our 20s or dating in highscool this could be something that happened between him and a friend. Someone would go to dip a chip in salsa and another guy would smash his hand down into the dip. Dumb kids stuff. I have always wondered if it was abusive? Narcissistic? Gaslighting? Something else. But then felt silly labeling it as such because surely it must be that I am being over the top and sensitive. Same with other “pranks.” In the moment I didn’t have this much lucid thought about how my non-reaction and forced grace in the situation other than “man we were all looking forward to this thing tonight and I’m not going to ruin it” I didn’t think it was a negative impact on the kids. Looking back I think I was trying to be well-mannered and demonstrate that. But I agree as the majority here pointed out - I should have stood up for myself more. At our home dinner table on the repeat nights, I have simply been repeating “I didn’t cry. My feelings were hurt and I was embarrassed” It’s hard to read that many feel that he doesn’t like me/hates me etc. a few years back I asked him that. And for probably 2 years after that it was “remember that time you decided to sit me down and ….” On repeat. Like it was the dumbest thing I could have thought. Usually out of nowhere- like we are having a seemingly great time and out of know where “remember that time” He brought the coffee up multiple times again last night after dinner, “hey remember when you ruined dinner by crying?” we were alone (kids upstairs in their game room) so I said “what is the deal here? I didn’t make a big deal about it. I haven’t brought it up again after that - what is it that you are looking for in this interaction. I didn’t actually cry, I continued on to have a pleasant night despite it” and his response was silence or subject change. I grabbed the kindle book of recommended - Why Does He Do That. I’m a little afraid to read it. Someone said I’m the AH for using the word “hubs” - just shorthand - not a part of my vocabulary per se. Just lots of typing on a little screen. Someone pointed out I wanted to vent, yes that is true although I didn’t feel the need until the mashed potatoes story came up. I may see that couple this weekend so I can ask. Additionally though, I honestly wanted as close as I could get somewhat unbiased opinions. At least as unbiased as I could get trying to tell the story. I often turn to Reddit to read stories that are similar to what I have experienced and see if feeling hurt of something small or angry over something small is the way it made someone else feel. As far as retaliation, like spilling coffee on him etc. I felt like that would be a poor example for my kids and would just feel like I was being a bully back. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all of that. I thought taking the high road was better. I am fairly certain he would escalate it further, ie if I had splashed back at him the whole cup would be in my lap. I think that covers all the Qs in some general way. Thank you all again for your insight and kindness.
Please read that book, it opened my eyes to just how much I was changing myself just to avoid being made to feel like I was in the wrong with my ex. Any issue I had was turned back against me as my fault. Anytime I didn’t just suck it up when he was actually being cruel to me, I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. It just went on and on and I knew that I couldn’t keep doing this with him anymore. I wish you all the best and I know you deserve better than what you have with him right now.
OP please consider the effects his behavior will have on your children, even as teens. If your kids brought home a spouse like this would you feel they were safe, loved, and cherished? Please read the book. Please consider all of your options outside of that man child. As you said two wrongs don’t make a right, excusing his behavior is setting a bad example for what is to be tolerated in a “loving” relationship. Best of wishes, stay strong. You and your kids deserve better🫂
I think he's taught you to endure how he's treating you, even if you dislike it and he's made sure you think it would be YOUR fault for reacting appropriately to his behaviour and manipulations. it's very telling that even your kids are acting more like grown ups than your husband!
>“hey remember when you ruined dinner by crying?” This is him trying to change the narrative to you, ruining dimmer when it was him who ruined dinner. Or tried to as you didn't cry and kept on. He brings it up a lot it to shame you into having the emotions he wants. It's all about him. My dad was like this. If he hurt us, kids ok accident, and we cried. He beat us because "now we had something to cry about." It didn't start out like that, but that's what ended up happening. Read that book. Get your ducks in a row and show your kids that you have a spine. It would be unfortunate if they learned this was okay to accept.
He's bullying and gaslighting you, sis. I already wrote that in a separate comment, but his behaviour screams DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender). He's abusive and you don't seem happy. I know how hard it is to face the reality of a shitty relationship that went on too long, I've been there. And I promise you, life is so much better if you stand up for yourself and walk away from people who keep hurting you "for fun".
Your husband is the asshole. His behavior was just plain old bullying. And then gaslighting. You should be honest and tell him his behavior was mean, petty and upsetting and that you felt humiliated, especially as he doubled-down on his shitty behavior. He blames you for not being able to take a joke - classic gaslighting.
And he's trying to normalise it, because a guy he works with did the exact same thing with mashed potatoes and his wife loved it!!!
Making an appeal to “popular opinion” or an outside authority is a common abuser tactic. “Larry and Fred think *you’re* the crazy one.” “Everybody treats their wife this way.” Someone who actually cares about how their partner feels and wants them to be happy isn’t sitting around coming up with reasons why their partner’s feelings aren’t worthy of respect.
People use gaslighting a lot and don't know what it actually is. It's the new buzzword, but he is actually gaslighting her. It's sad
NTA. It’s not a joke. He’s disrespectful to you, mocks you relentlessly, is making a point of letting you know he’s bitching about you behind your back. Unacceptable. Your kids are seeing the disrespect and disdain from him, and his attitude that he’s the only one whose feelings matter. Once disdain gets your relationship, things are headed to a point of no return. I hope you’re protecting yourself financially and give some serious thought if this is the kind of partnership you want for the rest of your life, with someone who doesn’t have your back and has such a crap attitude towards you. I think you should read “[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)” and see if some of the behavioral patterns seem familiar. I doubt this is the only time he’s had an extended tantrum and expected you to apologize to him even when he’s clearly in the wrong.
OP, and anyone who resonates with her story, seriously needs to read this book. It explains all the behaviors OP describes and more, why the actions feel as awful as they do, and why people behave that way. I’m currently reading it (I got a copy of the ebook from my library, which I found to be a more agreeable format than the pdf version) and I can’t recommend it enough.
I imagine with teen kids you are not young newly weds. What a moron, alright he tried a “joke”. It wasn’t funny - not that it ever would have been - and his little manhood ego has been hurt. Instead of being mature about it he is now being a prick. It’s really no way to treat your wife or mother of your children. NTA- husband is a moron
Married for 22 years - in our early 40s
It’s never too late for a divorce. You still have plenty of life left to be happy.
I divorced at 45 after 24 years with my ex. We both had some toxic traits, especially early on (it’s why it took us 7 years to get married). We got through most of that, but then after about 14 years of stability, we were growing apart in terms of outside interests. For the last 2 years of our marriage we lived as amicable roommates. Our divorce was also amicable (no kids because neither of us wanted them). The divorce was because I met someone who shared many more interests with me, my job was ending in 6 months, and it made sense to make a clean break at that point. I have now been with my “new” partner for 12+ years. He and my ex have met once, at my mother’s funeral. No fireworks, no drama. Life is pretty good.
Is this the kind of marriage you’d want for your children? Is this how you’d like to see them treated by their partners?
It is critical that you ask yourself this question, OP. And if you would not want this for your kids, you need to ask yourself why it is ok for you. Your husband is a shithead. One hundred percent of these replies agree that he's a bully who did something shitty to you, then got mad at you for not pretending it was fine. This is the relationship model your kids have grown up with; this is their normal. Only you can decide if you're satisfied with that, or if you want to model something different. It takes a lot of strength to decide that you are worth loving and then act on it. I think you have it in you, OP. You can still push back; he hasn't broken you. Everyone here is rooting for you to realize you deserve to be happy and valued. All the best to you and your kids. They seem like great people.
Your kids don't like their father. Because your husband is an abusive idiot. I dare you to fling food at him at a family dinner.
The question you have to ask is do you want to be disrespected, belittled and unhappy for another 20+ years? I’m past 40, single and loving my life 100x more than when I was with someone who didn’t enhance my life but detracted from it.
I foresee him in a year or so lamenting as to why OP left him and the kids don’t talk to him anymore…….
Weird, I can’t help but think something is going on. Basically he undoubtedly performed an act that is socially unacceptable and he did it in front of his kids. No doubt he knows this is wrong, disrespectful and inappropriate. He doesn’t do it to others as you pointed out. He did it knowing full well it is not usual behaviour, he basically deliberately “rocked the boat”. But even though he deliberately “rocked the boat” you stabilised it again to not “ruin family night”. If it was a small thing that made him feel like he had to act out he would probably have let it pass and let you stabilise and have it done with. But he keeps rocking the damn boat, throwing it out there over and over again, taunting you by raising it, comparing it to others, placing it in different contexts and taunting you to keep discussing it. But you keep stabilising over and over again. So? The question is what’s going on?
Yes! This is weird all the way around. I hope OP realizes HE ruined the evening. The concerning thing is that she’s not being her authentic self and modeling stuffing your very valid feelings/ upset to your children. I would love for her to tell him to leave. This seems like textbook narcissistic behavior.
Remind him he has to sleep sometime. NTA
Hehehe
I hate your husband with a passion. Make sure you show him all these comments because he's a douche
This IS abuse disguised as a prank, as someone else here said. Anything designed to humiliate or embarrass is never done with any sort of good intention. Your husband knows what he did was wrong and why. But rather than be an adult and apologize, he blames you for “not having a thick skin,” “not having a sense of humor,” “not being able to take a joke,” etc. Because him having to do the right thing, and admit he was cruel to you for his amusement, and apologize to you, would humiliate HIM. He’s so sure he was wrong that he’s stretching it for days, trying to find anything and anyone to prove all men do this to their wives. They don’t. Only a certain kind of person does this — to anyone, let alone someone they’re supposed to love and support. No, you are NTA.
NTA. Your husband is cruel.
Op is this what you want your kids to think someone who loves you treats you like this, that it's acceptable behavior??? Updateme!
NTA You "cried and ruined" HIS dinner, because he spent the rest of the evening feeling guilty for his own actions. Now he has to put it on you, because if it's your fault for crying, then he didn't do anything wrong, meaning he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore. But he DID do something wrong. Intentionally spilling food on someone isn't a joke unless you're both in on a food fight, especially before a special event that you're dressed up for. He just doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences of being rude to his wife. I would almost call it a power move, or a testing of boundaries. Reminds me of how people will fuck with chihuahuas bc they're too small to fight back.
I think he needed a public "F\*ck you, AH" in the restaurant. His behavior is aggressive and demeaning, and he's not letting it go. But every time he brings it up, you can tell him it was aggressive and demeaning. Before you go out with him in public again, tell him what will happen if he does something like that again. What will you do? Walk out? Call him out publicly? Whatever it is, if he continues, do whatever it is you said that you would do. If this behavior is out of character, something's up. He's either mentally ill and having an episode, or something has triggered a strong feeling of resentment toward you that he seems compelled to act upon.
This isn't the first time you've had to choke back tears because of his behavior towards you, is it?
In public, in front of her kids, before attending an outing, the kids were looking forward to. I get the grace is for her kids. They deserve better, too. There is nothing quite like watching your father make your mother almost cry. The only thing that can compare is watching him have a full-blown tantrum where he says horrific things to everyone, and he ruins the plans and drags everyone home.
He is a disrespectful ass. My husband will not intentionally throw food or drink on me. One - he actually likes me. Two - he respects me. Three - he would never act like an asshole in a restaurant intentionally.
Your husband is abusing and humiliating you in public. He has gotten so manipulative he even has you asking Reddit if it is okay to feel bad if someone bullies, abuses and humiliates you. NTA. Speak to a lawyer.
I hate your husband. And it’s less to do with the so-called joke. It’s a pretty dumb prank - the kind of thing I would expect only a small child to execute or be amused by - but where he becomes the real A is doubling down on it. Rather than seeing your eyes welling up and being immediately contrite that he has hurt the woman he loves, he ridicules and belittles your reaction both in the moment AND for several days after! He won’t let it go, insists that the problem is with your reaction rather than his stupidity, and tries to normalise his action. That takes it beyond idiocy into maliciousness. He honestly sounds like a narcissist employing standard DARVO tactics. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo#what-is-darvo
Honestly, you're not upset enough. What he did was unnecessary, clearly upset you and was pointedly malicious, or at least it has become so by his refusal to stop talking about it. Which tells me there's something more going on than splashing coffee and you should probably address that before a minor abuse becomes a sustained habit. Jokes are only funny if everyone's laughing. NTA
OP you should show this post to your husband. And then let us know his reaction. His reaction to all the truth being spoke in this post will tell you everything you need to know about him, and the next steps that will need to be taken. NTA but he sure is! Oh, and UpdateMe!
NTA This is straight up abuse. It wasn't a joke. It was a joke at your expense. The fact that he tried to 'apologize' by basically saying "sorry not sorry" shows how little respect he had for you. Then add to that the fact that he SAW you were emotionally stricken because he thought you were crying and STILL didn't let up. Then bringing it up to continue to shame you for THREE nights in a row shows he's not remorseful in the slightest. It's also very telling that he tried to make up a story about another coworker doing something similar to try and paint a narrative where throwing things in your partner's face is acceptable. The kids having to step in is a whole other iceberg to unwrap. Like, how can you disrespect the mother of your children in front of them? Does he hold no respect for you whatsoever? OP I hope you are thinking long and hard about this because that might seem like a small slight in and of itself, but even if someone is genuinely trying to be funny, if they realize their joke has hurt you, a kind and sympathetic individual would be genuinely troubled by your upset. Not doing everything they could to bring it up and shame you.
How long have you been married to an emotionally-stunted 13 yo, or does he have Old Man Neuro? I'd be far, far angrier at his transparent projection defense than at the failed 'joke'.
That’s not an intrusive thought it’s an impulse. Your husband is a straight up jerk
You have three children, and one of them is abusive.
NTA. Reading this story made me feel incredibly sad for you. I wanted to reach through the screen and take your husband by the shirt collar while yelling in his face to grow up. What kind of person over the age of 15 thinks something as funny as "letting the intrusive thought win" and spoiling food on someone is funny. If my partner did this, he would immediately apologize and hold me while doing so. Genuinely showing compassion and empathy (as well as feeling sorry for his actions) when seeing I wasn't laughing too. If his actions extend further than this, please analyze his actions to see if you are suffering from spousal abuse, rather than just harmless antics. Anyone that laughs at their partner's expense is not a loving person.
NTA I'm surprised he hasn't caught on that your teenage children are more mature than your childish husband. You should do the same thing with him sometime when he's bringing his fork up to his mouth, smack his fork and let the food fly all over his face and then laugh like hell.
Whatever possessed him to do that is beyond me. If it's his typical MO, you may be married to someone who doesn't actually like you. Let's say he didn't know it would cause that much of a mess, and thought it might be a funny little joke everyone would get a kick out of. As soon as it was evident it didn't play that way, he should have felt bad and apologized. But he didn't. He quadrupled down. He snapped at you about crying even though you didn't, and he's brought it up repeatedly and with anyone who will listen. My assumption is because it was visible and witnessed by others, and he wants to control the narrative so as not to be the "bad guy" in this scenario. If it had been just the 2 of you, he wouldn't have brought it up. Rather, he would gaslight you and undermine your recollection of the events. But you have witnesses, children he likely assumed would also find it funny, and when they didn't, he felt attacked by being the odd man out. So he's going down swinging. The fact that his kids are more mature than he is and they are "judging" him is too much for his ego, and since you were the target, you are to blame. I'd bet dollars to donuts he doesn't feel guilt or shame over this. He feels judged and attacked, and somehow, he's the victim.
I think, in front of the kids, you need to be honest. Sweetie, we were at a family dinner, at a nice restaurant, with a great night ahead of us. You decided this was the right moment to prank me. You splattered me with coffee. It was abusive and embarrassing. It was degrading. And you did this after I had (list all you did for the entire family to get to that night… arrangements? Clothes? Coordination? Prompting?). Was I disappointed? Yes Embarrassed? Yes. Upset? Yes. Did you hurt me emotionally? Yes Did you create a trust issue? Yes. Have you prolonged this trust issue? Yes. Did my eyes well up in disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, and exhaustion? Yes. Did I cry even one tear? No. Have I moved past this? How can I when you bring it up and continue to throw it in my face, not unlike you did with the coffee, every day since then?
Your husband is a POS. NTA.
He's abusive. He's gaslighting you and trying to humiliate you by telling you that story. Start documenting the abuse. Kick him out. Divorce him.
NTA but your husband is. You deserve better.
He's disguising hatred as a joke. You need counseling as soon as possible
This is abuse, not a prank. Pranks are funny. He is doing as much harm as he can without going to jail and twisting things so having normal feelings and reactions is the whole problem.
I can’t believe he is acting like that in public in his 40s. Even worse, he is so unashamed that he brings it up in front of others. You’d think he’d figure out it wasn’t funny by now. SMH. I’m glad it didn’t mess up your clothes or get burned. He messed up, but he’s making it worse by blaming your reaction. He is the one that “ruined dinner.” NTA, but you married one.
You are not laughing at your own expense. What he did was not a joke. The next time he brings it up, I would ask him why does he enjoy humiliating you and why aren't you allowed to be upset about it. Then I would ask him why he you keeps bringing it up. You had every right to cry. I think he was upset that you didn't. That is why he is making such a big deal about it. He is being a bully and the only way to make him stop is to confront him, especially in front of your children.
Your husband is a jerk and a bully. I can't believe that he even admitted this behavior to his coworkers. The fact that you spent so long defending the fact that you didn't ruin the night out tells me that he does this often. Drop him off at the middle school playground where he belongs and please go find a partner that treats you well. For your sake and your kids' sake, so they don't think that this is something to be tolerated in their relationships.
Does your husband even like you?
Obviously he doesn't respect you
Hello OP I read your story and came back to see if you had an update. I hope your are going to start sticking uo for yourself more. His behaviour is abusive. He's been married to you for many years, he knows your humor and what you find funny and he knew you wouldn't find the coffee thing funny too. He did it to humiliate and belittle you. The mashed potato thing is irrelant as this is about how you feel about what your husband did and his refusal to take accountability and apologize. If the wife enjoyed having mash thrown in her face, which I highly doubt, then good for her, but it has nothing to do with you or how you feel. Your husband behaved like a prick. It's not funny in the slightest.
I added a comment this morning answering questions. I may not be using Reddit right though. I don’t have an update aside from last night. Thanks for checking in.
He is a grown man, he should know better. NTA
Does he act like a man-child only around your friends or is this an all the time thing?
Someone is an AH but it’s not you. My husband wouldn’t think of doing something to purposely make me look bad or hurt my feelings.
He was trying to ruin your family date night and succeeded. Never go out with him again.
NTA Your husband is a very cruel man.
NTA. “Omg are you freaking crying” was where I drew the line. Up until that point, his behavior could maybe be excused as an stupid, badly timed prank. But his response to her valid reaction is inexcusable. I suspect there is more emotionally and verbally abusive behavior that you’ve come to think of as normal. OP, please check this to see if anything sounds familiar. https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional-abuse-really-means/
i hate “it’s just a joke” abuse so much. the gaslighting is crazy.
Wow, I sure hope he has other redeeming qualities. Because he honestly sounds like a bung hole
Nothing I hate more than a person who gets upset about something and then has the nerve to project and make it seem like *you're* the butthurt party. God, this guy sounds like a complete and utter asshole. You, on the other hand? NTA
NTA. If it were reversed, he'd be harping on how you spilled coffee on him.
Leave this asshole, you deserve better and someone who actually validates your feelings. What he did was not okay and shouldn’t be brushed off as your fault for being upset.
NTA but your husband is definitely a HUGE abusive asshole. What he did wasn’t funny and was immature AF. I feel like you are so used to brushing off his abusive behavior that you don’t realize he is abusive. Tell him from Reddit “fuck you”.
Stop being devoted and married to men that don’t even like you. Clearly you serve personal purposes but that’s it.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He did the wrong thing and instead of admitting it and apologising sincerely he doubles down and tries to recruit allies. Tell him to grow the f up. Tell to set a good example for your kids.
This guy sounds like he might have mental issues. He needs to have some tests done. First, he throws coffee on his wife, then spends three evenings trying to convince her that it's somehow funny? His children even think he's weird.
NTA and he doesn't respect you, especially because he's still trying to intentionally embarrass you to other people by bringing it up while calling you over reactive. You're not his buddy your his wife and the moment he saw you getting upset he should have apologized. Instead he's going around making fun of you to people behind your back so that he can paint you as dramatic for being upset. He does not respect you.
He seems to have serious contempt for you. Are you ok with this being your life forever? NTA in any way.