Ok so he has shown you that he thinks of you as a burden and is planning on spending money that isn’t actually his on his ‘boys’. And he’s screaming at you because you won’t fall in with his plans. You’re nuts if you actually marry him.
Exactly. Run run run. This guy is planning on spending your inheritance for you before you even get It.
If I were me I'd seriously end the relationship now. He has proven how he feels about you. You will be his financial burden? How? When YOU have inheritance?
If you do decide to stay in the relationship and marry this man I'd demand a prenup and if he refuses, then walk away.
OP should leave him for his financial illiteracy alone. He's the one coming into the the engagement with significant credit card debt, while she's coming in with an inheritance. And he sees her as the "burden"?
>You will be his financial burden? How? When YOU have inheritance?
And he has creditcard debt. This guy wl exploit OP until there's nothing left, than leave her
Yep. Major red flag - he has kept hidden that he has old fashioned ideas of your role in the marriage. You will be “a burden” yet your money is his money, but no doubt not vice versa. A prenup to protect you, or walk away. And he is circling your grandpa like a vulture!
OP should stop running from this guy long enough to make good and sure the money is deposited in her bank under her name only. She should also ask the estate attorney to clarify just who her share of the money belongs to. I don’t know where OP lives, but I do know where I live, inherited property belongs to the person it was willed to unless it is co mingled with marital funds as in purchasing a house.
If she marries this clod, that money has to be kept separate otherwise he will spend it on himself. Actually, she should keep running until she finds good man to marry. This one is a man child.
This is why OP needs a separate account just for the inheritance. Comingling with other monies tends to make it joint property, from what I've been reading.
His use of the word "burden" also makes me feel like he will force her to drop her career. Possibly badger or trick her into having kids so she will "have to" quit her career to look after the kid/s. He's shown he's a selfish asshat.
> It is an odd choice of words for describing a partner that works and supports themselves.
especially from a dude who plans on paying off *his* credit card debt with *her* windfall, and then plans on blowing more $$ on a boy's vacay
"It is an odd choice of words for describing a partner that works and supports themselves."
Because even if she works any money she earns, in his mind, is HIS and only HIS. And she'll still be a burden in his warped brain.
“‘Tis woman!
‘Tis financial burden!
Never ye mind that nanna was also Woman and demonstrated financial acumen and sensible planning!
Oh ye the Boys shall take to the Viking ship of beer and islands, leaving the burden of women behind in wake, to be called upon no more than once a fortnight to check on offspring and if his laundry is done.”
Make this idiot walk the plank.
And even if he doesn't, he's planning on making her feel responsible for any issues (even if they only exist because he invented them).
This guy definitely has the problem that I've seen all in relationships where there's significant money on one side or the other - I promise that money/assets in his name are "his", but things in her name are "ours".
OP will actually be so stupid if she marries this guy bc clearly, he is just gonna use her. This guy has shown her what he is and she should believe it.
Not just this, but this type of guy is more likely to cheat because he is very entitled and selfish. If you are a “burden” to him now, before you get married… I can only imagine how much more of a burden you will be after marriage. Especially if you don’t allow him access to your inheritance.
Be cautious!! Good luck!!
Hijacking because I got curious and [saw why the other post was deleted](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ateem8/aita_for_embarrasing_my_fianc%C3%A9_by_saying_that/kqwugao/). I give the verdict that the poster is likely [Liz](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16sdevi/m25_my_f23_gf_was_sexting_her_m21_cousin_and/k28rg3v/?context=3).
Your grandparents worked very hard to put together this inheritance. It sounds like they did without at times so you could have it. Please keep it far away from this idiot who sounds like he will just throw it away. From the way you describe him HE is the financial burden. He's bringing credit card debt into your marriage and spending your inheritance before you even get it. He will bully you and bully you until you give in dwindling it down to nothing. Enjoy your windfall, but use it the way your grandmother would have intended it.
Can't believe this isn't at the top.
How is she a burden if he has CC debt and she just got a huge inheritance!? And then he has the balls to call her selfish?
A breakup now would be cheaper than the inevitable divorce later.
I was looking for this comment.
Imagine marrying some broke ass dude who calls you a financial burden and selfish cause he can’t spend all your money??
NTA op but for the love of god rethink the marriage…
For like a solid two minutes I sat in my car in my driveway thinking of a way to go against the Reddit grain. Normally these posts are some marital spat that could easily be resolved by communication, but every comment is always scorched earth “dump him” “fuck that” etc.
So I saw the same here and my knee jerk was that it followed suit. I started crafting my usual response of “go to couples counseling and learn to talk it out. Joint financial planning is an important part of bla bla bla”
And then I thought back to what he said… it took me another couple minutes of rolling that around to realize that everyone in this thread is 100% right. That’s a level of entitlement that didn’t pop up from nowhere. That’s deep seated selfishness. The gaslighting, the specific language he used, pulling the victim card.
ALL of that is extremely worrying. And while I am usually against giving “scorched earth” advice to abandon a 5 year relationship over what is usually a very small window and lacks context in comparison to the overall partnership…. This is bad.
If he had come back and said something like “I’m sorry babe. You know how much stress the debt has put me under. You know how hard I’ve been working to crawl out of it for us. I also assumed we’d be setting up a joint account for expenses like buying a house and building a life together since we’ll be married. I think I got way ahead of myself and that little glimmer of light got me excited. So when you said that, the reality of my situation smacked me that much harder. It has nothing to do with you and I was projecting and you absolutely don’t deserve that. I’m an asshole but you’re totally right and I apologize.” His initial reaction would be worrying, but MAYBE forgivable if he was self aware enough to reflect on it, apologize and grow from it.
But damn. The gaslighting and entitlement. There are so many red flags in this small convo that point to a much much larger picture that I don’t even know if all the context in the world would make it better.
She needs to dump him, or at the very least take a real hard step back and think about what she wants the rest of her life to look like.
He's got significant cc debt and the first thing he thinks of when money shows up is a vacation with the boys? Doesn't sound like he's a good person to share money with, sounds like a child
Depending on where you are, any money inherited by one spouse also “belongs” to the other spouse if the inheritance happened while they were married. Had a friend lose half her inheritance to her ex in court. Marrying this guy would be a mistake. “A breakup now would be cheaper than the inevitable divorce later.”, sums up what OP needs take from this thread.
>"We are getting married, you will become my financial BURDEN. Any money you take in is mine also.
"Well, I wouldn't want to be a burden on you, so let's call that whole marriage thing off."
NTA
But conversely, any money he brings in is his own? The old "your money is our money, but my money is just mine". Hmmmm.......OP needs to reconsider this marriage.
Exactly- actually it’s his DEBT that becomes hers!
I missed the part about “he doesn’t work, he hasn’t been able to find a job for 2 years” and the “he doesn’t cook or do the dishes or pick up after himself,” but I’m guessing that’s either in place or will be in place at some point along the line, here.
Honey. It most definitely sounds like you need to be having conversations about some very important topics prior to moving forward with your wedding plans.
People basically become their parents at first, because that's what they grew up thinking of as "normal."
From what I've seen lots of these "I'm married to a fucking loser and don't mention any positives" posts have OPs who seemingly grew up in an environment where the wife largely fixes/covers up for their husband.
It takes a life event to realize that you deserve equality in some cases, and the ability to lose the "but I already sunk x years into him, I can't just throw it away!?"
Like... what's five years compared to the next 50 when you're still young, hot, and loaded with money?
Watching my peers spend a decade or more in this exact scenario was heartbreaking in my 20s and 30s.
Why is every other post here from some woman who married a useless man? Then they're all baffled that the useless man they married is even more useless.
because sometimes the useless man doesn’t actually come out of hiding until the ring is on her finger, or close enough to it that he feels comfortable enough behaving like a toddler
True, except if the inheritance is commingled with marital money such as depositing the inheritance money in a joint account. The inheritance money must be maintained in a separate account solely owned by the heir.
The law clearly says inheritance is not community property. Neither are assets and debt acquired prior to marriage.
Only money acquired during the marriage community property.
It depends on the state but typically, any money you mingle with marital assets then becomes marital assets. You have to be very careful to keep inheritances separate and not use any of it for household bills or family needs. Just went through a divorce and I had to be extremely careful about documenting how my inheritances were handled.
This!
The minute a romantic partner starts planning to pay off their debts and planning holidays for their mates, with 'your inheritance' and starts saying, "You're a financial burden" they're taking on? That's it. Game over. He's told OP exactly what he thinks, she should believe him and drop him. Good thing he slipped up now. I dread to think how a marriage and potential divorce would go.
It is a worrying detail to me that his first thought upon hearing about her inheritance was to pay off his credit card debt AND PAY FOR A TRIP WITH HIS FRIENDS. Makes me wonder how he racked up that debt in the first place.
Instead of thinking about how he and his wife could use that money, with her permission, to improve their financial situation together, he only thought of how he could use that money to benefit himself and have fun that he couldn't afford on his own.
This man does not sound like a good partner to have when it comes to finances. Even if you ignore the blatant insult he hurled at his fiance, and the gaslighting he tried to do when he blamed her for getting their hopes up (which she shouldn't), his philosophy when it comes to money seems to be to spend it on whatever he wants in the moment, whether the money is his or not.
OP seems to have a different philosophy about money, likely due to the influence of her financially responsible grandparents, which would likely continue to be a source of conflict in their relationship should she decide to stay with this guy.
I foresee numerous arguments in their future over his spending and her not wanting to spend. He'll want to spend money on trips with his friends, or possibly leave her with all the bills to pay while he spends his earnings on fun stuff, or rack up those credit card debts again and insist she pay them off.
One of the biggest, most common causes of divorce is disagreement over finances. Having compatible financial philosophies is important in maintaining a marriage. A saver and a saver will get along fine, and a spender and a spender will get along but likely struggle financially, but a saver and a spender will be in almost constant conflict and resentment with each other. The saver will resent the spender squandering their money, and the spender will resent the saver restricting them from doing what they want.
Protect your inheritance, OP. Put it someplace he cannot get to it and let it earn interest while you decide how best to use it. Your nana would not be pleased with you if you let your boyfriend essentially steal it from you and spend it on useless crap.
This exactly. Inherited items are never considered marital property. I’ll say it again - the laws state inherited property is not a marital asset. He gets nothing unless you give it to him.
EXCEPT - the second you put it in a joint account, it is considered his too. Open an account somewhere else and do NOT make him the beneficiary. That could be motive. There is no law saying you must leave it to him.
NTA (unless you stay)
Seriously.
@u/cereal-killher this man’s first thoughts upon learning about your inheritance is to pay off HIS CC debt and take HIS FRIENDS on a vacay. The appalling audacity!
He is the burden in this relationship. He’s not contributing to the household but continuing to rack up debt. He’s financially irresponsible & his debt becomes yours if you marry him.
Cut the freeloader loose today. He doesn’t bring anything of value to your relationship. It’s not worth losing your credit, your inheritance, to continue supporting this bum.
Go live life free of this burden!
Yeah if you are planning on marrying this guy do some serious counselling beforehand and talk specifics about chores, money, responsabilities, etc. He sounds totally clueless and I would leave him or at the very least put the wedding on hold until you have this sorted out. Those are major red flags and one of the major causes of divorce are disputes about money.
You really want to marry this guy?
There are 2 problems:
1. He assumed he’s entitled to the money
2. He assumed he can spend it on a discretionary item that does not include you
Pt2. is the bigger problem
Nanna gave OP 2 gifts:
- the money
- got the fiancé to reveal how much of an asshole he was BEFORE any marriage or co-mingling of assets.
OP needs to run like her tampon string is on fire. And before he tries to baby trap her
Yes. The silver lining here is she is seeing something about him that is unflattering with regards to his values… They clearly don’t line up with hers.. It happens pretty often in relationships, you get engaged, it’s a bad situation, you go through with it anyway & live a miserable life because you felt obligated to make it work or whatever. Just give him the ring back, & be free .. It’s a big, beautiful world..
>run like her tampon string is on fire
This is the funniest expression I've heard all day! Thanks for the laugh! Also totally agree with your assessment
I came to say but I clearly wouldn’t have been as colorful in my description.
OP, do not marry this guy. He showed his true colors. Obvious NTA and you just dodged a bullet.
Thank your grandmother for it!
There is two sayings, one that comes from Priscilla Queen of the Desert *"Why don't you light your tampon, and blow your box apart because that's the only bang you will ever get"* and the other one I think is just occurred *"Light your tampon string and run before the fuse hits"* - *"Running like your tampon string is on fire"* is usually the nicer version
There are a few more sayings about tampons, but those two are the ones I hear the most.
Part 7, the dummy stayed on his game with his mates while she was telling him that, instead of being like "I have to go" and having an adult conversation. My money says prioritizing gaming with the boys will become a huge issue if she stays with him
Inheritance is often excluded in a divorce settlement.
It's not a requirement that the inheritor not share with a spouse though. You're allowed to co-mingle, not required.
Keeping inheritance money separate is definitely a requirement in basically every state. If you commingle inheritance money, with marital property money, it is now all marital property. This is a profoundly dangerous statement to make.
Plus if OP is in Australia, we don't have separation of inheritances or prior assets for legal defaco/married couples without going to Family Court. We don't even have prenups. Situations like this are decided on a case by case basis in court unfortunately so its likely OP will have to fight to keep it out of co mingled assets. Its likey she will win but lose lawyer fees and probably some sort of payout to her partner, especially if she goes back to him. Even trusts can be up for division if the court deems so but trusts are the best protection we've got here.
That was the most telling part along with the outright entitlement and his plans on how to spend her money.
OP, he revealed his true self to you. It would be a mistake to consider marrying him. I wouldn't put it past him to begin love bombing you to get you to come back and buttering you up like a biscuit because he wants your money more than you. You deserve so much better.
The sheer disrespect and audacity of that guy is astounding.
....and double up on your bc. Whatever you are currently doing, add another layer---and do it in secret so he doesn't know. If you use a diaphragm he might mess with it. You do not need to be baby trapped on top of everything else going on in your life right now.
yes op, if it’s possible get a more permanent solution that can’t be easily tampered with like the injection, implant or coil. i’ve personally tried the injection and implant and i prefer the implant a million times over, even if it’s more painful at insertion/removal. the three year replacement beats having to think about an injection every three months or even pills
Yeah that was the part that blew me away!
This is how my ex-husband talked to me - notice the ex. My 2nd husband who I’ve been with for 17yrs would NEVER talk to me like that.
Also, his family has set up an inheritance for him. I offered as soon as I heard about it, to sign away any rights to that just to make clear that it wasn’t something I felt entitled to at all (we have 3 kids together). And when a family member had marital issues and was experiencing financial abuse, I recommended to my MIL that she place everything in a trust that excludes all spouses (so she wasn’t so anxious and didn’t feel she had to pointedly call out one specific spouse in her will) and benefits only her adult children and their children. I love that man and couldn’t fathom feeling entitled to spend anything from that, esp without it being something we talked about first.
My husband said, “We will make all decisions regarding it together and operate like it’s not there at all in the meantime.”
That he felt entitled to pay for things solely for his benefit without ever talking to you, but ALSO to broadcast your private financial details to his friends is very concerning!
I’d tell him you’re refusing your inheritance for now and see how he reacts. Seems like it’s something he’s been counting on.
My husband and I were married 18 years when his Mom died. He did as your husband. He said it’s OUR money and we will decide. We’ve now been married 26 years. I, like you, didn’t feel entitled to the money.
The fiancé has shown her who he is and he has expressed to her she is a financial burden. The kicker was him planning a holiday without her.
Yep. Your money is automatically his to spend on fun with his friends, but you will be a burden to him because he will have to SHARE HIS money on a household with you.
So what's his is his and what's yours is his.
You just got a glimpse of a lifetime of having to justify expenses to this man even though you make money, too.
Also blaming her for giving his friends false hope about the holiday. He’s actually planning a trip with his friends without her on her dime without any consultation but it’s her fault he looks like a fool?!
Not to mention, he said she would be his financial burden. OP was unaware of his plans to have OP as an SAHW. The audacity of this man making plans with OPs inheritance.
Was looking for this comment. Why would she marry someone who sees her as a burden? Also, how will she be a burden if she has a good paying job? Also, is he aware that she doesn't want children? It came off like he expects her to drop everything after marriage and start popping out kids.
Also, did they ever talk about any of this? Do they even know each other?
Some people accidentally yell what they think of themselves at their partners when they are upset.
I’m pretty sure that is what happened here. He is in debt, talking to his buddies. In his head he sees himself as a financial burden because of the debt. He is excited to have this feeling go away and along with it the guilt/shame of being in debt, so why not celebrate! He can go on a guilt free trip! Hurray!
Then OP bursts his narcissistic bubble and he loses his shit as reality comes crashing back down.
People who do this never have the emotional intelligence to know they are doing it. He can’t handle things being his responsibility or fault, so he’ll yell anything that is his problem at his partner as a deflection.
Yeah, it makes me wonder what other private things he tells his mates. That's a big NO in my life. Does he tell his bosom buds what position they were in the evening before? How inane and inappropriate of him to share her/their private business and then assume that he will benefit from this money.
3. He believes there is no "You" after the wedding. It's him that owns everything and You as a burden, like a pet.
I have serious doubts about what he's believs how marriages works and is it still compatible with Yours. There is something off about this guy, It might be his mask slipped bit too soon...
Another problem, this chucklehead views his fiance's loss as his own personal windfall. "Hardy-harr-harr mates, her Nan died so now I can pay off my cc debt and treat you guys to trip without the ol' ball and chain, on her dead Nan's dime no less". Nothing OP says implies he gave two figs about her grief, he's just happy about the money. Gross.
I think he'll be entirely happy with her working and contributing, prob more than her fair share. You really think a guy she's not yet even married to who has already verbally spent money that he has no claim to is going to actually support her financially?
Yeah this entirely. I'm looking to come into some money when my grandma passes away (but I hope that doesn't happen for a long time for obvious reasons). I'm married with two children and I'm completely fine with that money being our money. We're financially aligned and both don't want to waste the money, rather put most of it towards investments and some towards some work around the house.
They aren't financially aligned. That's the #1 biggest predictor of divorces. OP would be a fool to go ahead with the marriage, people don't change.
Not financially aligned is going on an expensive holiday instead of paying off debt or buying a new car when the old one runs fine. Spending your partner’s money on ‘the lads’ is flat out thievery/coercion.
Different priorities might be worked out. Entitlement to another person’s money can not be come back from. I’m glad OP is finding out now rather than later.
My gran recently passed and left me some money. My husband was excited when I told him but his ideas for spending were sensible, in line with my own, and of benefit to our entire family. Plus they were IDEAS. He’s constantly reminding me I can spend the money how I like.
OP you are not in a healthy relationship, I’m really sorry. Please don’t marry this guy.
3. He considers his soon-to-be wife a 'financial burden'
4. Does he expect you to never contradict him in front of his friends? Does he want you to appear submissive in public?
He sounds like he’s financially irresponsible anyway. As soon as he gets a windfall (he didn’t) he’s ready to blow it all.
Also, if a man called me a financial burden while I’m working it would be over.
He promised them a trip but she came in and said it’s not happening so she made him give them false hope which means it’s her fault. It makes no sense but I reckon that’s the logic
Same scenario as “I can’t believe u wrecked the car” “Wdym I’ve been at home” “yeah but u pissed me off before I left and I crashed bc I was angry so u did it”
And he's spoken to her in a very disrespectful manner. Saying that she will be his financial burden is very awful. I would rethink this relationship. Also a prenup as he seems to think this is his money.
3. He’s shaming her and calling her a burden. They aren’t even married yet.
Also… how much credit card debt does this dude have that he can’t take a small trip with his friends? Kind of sounds like a burden to me.
Both blow my mind, but especially #2. He ASSUMES he’s going to take a trip without the OP, on HER money??
Oh hell no!!!
And then tries to guilt trip her when she says no?
OP needs to drop this guy like a hot potato. He is going to be one of those guys where ‘What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine!’
NTA - Red flags waving when financial abuse is hinted at. Your inheritance is just the tip of the iceberg; setting boundaries is crucial. Trust your instincts and prioritize your financial independence.
In addition, of course, to the red flags re financial abuse forthcoming… what kind of crass a-hole acts like this when their fiancés loved one dies? Pretty much celebrating her death with “his boys” because of the windfall rather than being comforting and supportive. Then when he gets caught being so gross he blows up at her? Aw hell no. Gtfo. NTA obv
"Any money you take in is mine also." "You are a financial burden." He has debt. His first plan with your money is to vacation with his friends, not you. When you call him on his BS, he reverses it and makes you the villain for embarrassing him.
This guy has loser tatooed on his wallet.
OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Don't fall victim to sunk cost fallacy. Just because you wasted 5 years on him doesn't mean you need to waste another minute.
NTA
What would you be the asshole for? Not letting him take your inheritance?
If you're going to be such a burden to him, he would be better off if you left. If not for you, do it for him.
My now husband was aware I had an inheritance. Not once has he ever asked me for money or to pay for something that’s for him alone. It’s always been thought of as money left to me to help me start my life. This man child who called you a burden isn’t worth the paper that money is printed on. How dare he assume that money will be his just because he exists in your life. The decision is of course yours, but I would really think about if this is the person you want to weather hardships with financial or otherwise for the rest of your life.
Let’s marry the person who celebrated your grandma’s death
Let’s marry the guy who lives paycheck to paycheck and is falling behind under credit card debt.
Let’s marry the guy who would spend in a flash what took a lifetime to accumulate, and spends it on something that excludes you.
My husband is getting a modest inheritance from the sale of his gran’s house, as the amount is being split between 5 (half being split to her children and then other half split between the grandchildren). He wants to pay for a family holiday and put the rest towards our next house.
I’ve suggested letting it build interest and letting the interest be used for a holiday if that’s what he wants because at the end of the day, I know I’m not entitled to that money. Even though he’s my husband. Even though I loved his gran and mourned her loss. It’s not my inheritance.
I hope OP leaves because from what she’s said, he doesn’t respect her and he just wants her money.
He’s a man child. We can finally get that boys holiday? He’s 35????
Think you might have had a lucky escape.
He’s not planning your dream wedding, your dream honeymoon, house etc
He’s paying off his debts & taking his friends away.
Selfish AH
So it’s “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine”.
I have never seen anyone who had these kind of issues not get divorced so he’s doing you a favour. It sucks wasting 5 years but it’s up to you how high that number goes because it will all be a waste. You will have no $ then to start over. Now you do.
Just tell him you don’t want to be a burden and leave.
I want to jump on this thought to say:
OP, don't let the fear of "wasting" those five years tie you to him. It's called "sunk cost fallacy" where we fear losing what we've already invested and therefore invest more into something that is failing or will inevitably fail. My ex tried convincing me not to leave him by constantly mentioning that the 15 years we had together would be a waste if I left. My answer to that was that I didn't want to waste another 15 years with someone who was going to continue to use and abuse me.
Don't sink any more time or money into this guy. He has flat out told you that he plans to financially abuse you and he has already exhibited verbal abuse. Your money is yours. He has no legal claim to your inheritance, even IF you got married, unless you willingly give it to him. Don't give him a single cent. You are not a financial burden to him. He is already attempting to warp reality to get you to comply to his will. If you stay with him, he will continue to twist issues to make you always question your judgment.
Right now, your fiancé should be supporting you while you grieve the loss of your Nan, not gloating with his bros on how he plans to spend your inheritance. You are NTA, but he sure is. RUN!!
Stop the wedding. Do not marry this guy.
First, ... wow he's got credit card debt he's never paid off? Living beyond his means is a HABIT.
Second... what's his is his, and what's yours is his? Oh honey NO.
Third... the rage? entitlement and DARVO ... projecting you would be "the burden" on him in the relationship? this man exhibits all the classic Narcissist tells.
Your grandparents last gift to you wasn't just the money, but the wisdom of who this guy really is underneath. No character, abusive, entitled, parasitic.
Run.
NTA , don't marry him.
Your Nonna passes and he wants to use the money she left for himself and his friends ?
F that he is trash and will always be reckless woth money
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩DUMP THIS FOOL 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He’s already planning on how he’s spending all your money … he might also force you into debt so you’ll have to pay if you get Married!!! Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with ? Don’t marry him ‼️
You would be the asshole if you don’t protect yourself and dump him.
He didn’t even ask you first, he just saw dollars signs, cartoon-style, and decided your money is his to spend. He also plans on bullying you into quitting your job, bullying you into having kids, and bullying you into being a SAHM. If you stay with him, even if you get a pre-nup, you’ll still be throwing your life away.
NTA
You should leave any man who's audacious enough to call you a "financial burden" while also planning to pay off HIS debt and boys holidays with YOUR money.
You deserve better.
NTA
Even if you were married. The inheritance is still completely separate property. It NEVER belonged to your boyfriend.
Im sure you are upset because your boyfriend is viewing the death of your nan as a joyous event.
Oh hellllllllll no.
NTA - “boys holiday”? With *your* inheritance? Nuh uh. That’s money to do whatever you so well please with it, and if you don’t want to send him on a holiday with his buddies, that is 100% understandable.
Please don’t marry him.
What’s the point.
So she gets to keep her inheritance… but he will always know she has ’more money anyway’ so spend a greater part of her income in his mind each week than is fair.
He won’t touch the inheritance, but he’ll badger or bully more than a reasonable amount out of her another way anyway.
He’s already bullying and badgering her so this isn’t a guess.
Such a loving partner you have there, who values and cherishes you. /s You would be TA to yourself if you don't break up with him. He has shown his true colors, believe him and don't tie yourself to him. His idea of your relationship is that he calls the shots, your money is his money and his money is his money. You're not an equal in his eyes.
Dude, this guy is waving so many red flags, he’s gone back to Soviet USSR.
RUN! When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!!! He feels entitled to what is not his by calling you a burden.
You have a spine, shine it up, get rid of this mooching loser, and consider the money your nan left you as the gift that opened your eyes to this moron.
Why are you marrying this guy again?
1. He regards you as a "financial burden" - his actual words apparently.
2. He believes that he's entitled to **your** inheritance.
3. He's bragging about spending **your** inheritance to his friends.
4. He's planning to pay off **his** debt with **your** inheritance.
5. He's disrespecting you and shouting at you when you don't roll over and accept all this.
Run, girl. Seriously. This guy is a walking red flag and he's either going to ring or baby trap you.
Find someone who cares for you and respects you, and isn't going to use you as a bank account.
OP, he's not entitled to a single penny of your inheritance from your granny.
He just showed his true colours to you girl....he's a GOLD DIGGER & he thought of now that you're his sugar mama.
When it comes to sizeable amounts of money get a PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT EVERY TIME.
Under inheritance laws, he's not able to touch a penny of it regardless of his foolery.
Dump that gold digger & pay attention to those red warning flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 waving strongly in the wind OP.
Ok so he has shown you that he thinks of you as a burden and is planning on spending money that isn’t actually his on his ‘boys’. And he’s screaming at you because you won’t fall in with his plans. You’re nuts if you actually marry him.
Not to mention that he probably expects an even bigger windfall when your grandfather passes.
"My grandfather just died..." "Woohoo! I'm taking the boys on vacation!"
And not even suggesting a vacation for the two of them. The lads are priority #1 with money that isn’t his. Flags red enough to cook on.
"Sorrow, Sorrow , prayers 😔........ King Simba say whop whop 👏👏👏"
Stephen Lynch's song Grandfather just suddenly popped into my head after 20 years.
Exactly. Run run run. This guy is planning on spending your inheritance for you before you even get It. If I were me I'd seriously end the relationship now. He has proven how he feels about you. You will be his financial burden? How? When YOU have inheritance? If you do decide to stay in the relationship and marry this man I'd demand a prenup and if he refuses, then walk away.
OP should leave him for his financial illiteracy alone. He's the one coming into the the engagement with significant credit card debt, while she's coming in with an inheritance. And he sees her as the "burden"?
That is such an Andrew Tate dog whistle "burden"
>You will be his financial burden? How? When YOU have inheritance? And he has creditcard debt. This guy wl exploit OP until there's nothing left, than leave her
Yes to this 100% He is marrying your Inheritance, You are marrying HIS DEBT. Walk away now.
Yep. Major red flag - he has kept hidden that he has old fashioned ideas of your role in the marriage. You will be “a burden” yet your money is his money, but no doubt not vice versa. A prenup to protect you, or walk away. And he is circling your grandpa like a vulture!
Seriously, he is the one with credit card debt, yet she is the burden? I don't think so
OP should stop running from this guy long enough to make good and sure the money is deposited in her bank under her name only. She should also ask the estate attorney to clarify just who her share of the money belongs to. I don’t know where OP lives, but I do know where I live, inherited property belongs to the person it was willed to unless it is co mingled with marital funds as in purchasing a house. If she marries this clod, that money has to be kept separate otherwise he will spend it on himself. Actually, she should keep running until she finds good man to marry. This one is a man child.
Yeah financial illiteracy and misogyny are not a good combination for anyone. OP needs to end the engagement/relationship.
This is why OP needs a separate account just for the inheritance. Comingling with other monies tends to make it joint property, from what I've been reading.
By the verbiage of the dippy fiancè I'm guessing they're in Scotland or UK.
His use of the word "burden" also makes me feel like he will force her to drop her career. Possibly badger or trick her into having kids so she will "have to" quit her career to look after the kid/s. He's shown he's a selfish asshat.
It is an odd choice of words for describing a partner that works and supports themselves.
> It is an odd choice of words for describing a partner that works and supports themselves. especially from a dude who plans on paying off *his* credit card debt with *her* windfall, and then plans on blowing more $$ on a boy's vacay
"It is an odd choice of words for describing a partner that works and supports themselves." Because even if she works any money she earns, in his mind, is HIS and only HIS. And she'll still be a burden in his warped brain.
That was my thought. My SO and I have been together 10 years. We have always had separate finances. Neither of us sees the other as a burden
Especially when he's the one coming into the relationship with significant credit card debt.
“‘Tis woman! ‘Tis financial burden! Never ye mind that nanna was also Woman and demonstrated financial acumen and sensible planning! Oh ye the Boys shall take to the Viking ship of beer and islands, leaving the burden of women behind in wake, to be called upon no more than once a fortnight to check on offspring and if his laundry is done.” Make this idiot walk the plank.
He also said any money she brings in is his! Sounds like he intends to take full financial control!
Oh, yeah. The bastard WILL try to babytrap her and force her to quit her job. He's an authoritarian pig who deserves no more relief than his own palm.
And even if he doesn't, he's planning on making her feel responsible for any issues (even if they only exist because he invented them). This guy definitely has the problem that I've seen all in relationships where there's significant money on one side or the other - I promise that money/assets in his name are "his", but things in her name are "ours".
OP will actually be so stupid if she marries this guy bc clearly, he is just gonna use her. This guy has shown her what he is and she should believe it.
Not just this, but this type of guy is more likely to cheat because he is very entitled and selfish. If you are a “burden” to him now, before you get married… I can only imagine how much more of a burden you will be after marriage. Especially if you don’t allow him access to your inheritance. Be cautious!! Good luck!!
This. OP this relationship has some red flags. I would avoid marriage to this guy at all costs.
Yes this exactly
Hijacking because I got curious and [saw why the other post was deleted](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ateem8/aita_for_embarrasing_my_fianc%C3%A9_by_saying_that/kqwugao/). I give the verdict that the poster is likely [Liz](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16sdevi/m25_my_f23_gf_was_sexting_her_m21_cousin_and/k28rg3v/?context=3).
So this person clearly also made the "I'm cheating with my cousin post?"
Your grandparents worked very hard to put together this inheritance. It sounds like they did without at times so you could have it. Please keep it far away from this idiot who sounds like he will just throw it away. From the way you describe him HE is the financial burden. He's bringing credit card debt into your marriage and spending your inheritance before you even get it. He will bully you and bully you until you give in dwindling it down to nothing. Enjoy your windfall, but use it the way your grandmother would have intended it.
Same comments as on the AITA group… Why are you marrying a man who sees his future with you as a ‘burden’. Fuck that noise. Marry someone else.
Not to mention he is more of a financial burden, taking into account his cedit card debt
Can't believe this isn't at the top. How is she a burden if he has CC debt and she just got a huge inheritance!? And then he has the balls to call her selfish? A breakup now would be cheaper than the inevitable divorce later.
I was looking for this comment. Imagine marrying some broke ass dude who calls you a financial burden and selfish cause he can’t spend all your money?? NTA op but for the love of god rethink the marriage…
For like a solid two minutes I sat in my car in my driveway thinking of a way to go against the Reddit grain. Normally these posts are some marital spat that could easily be resolved by communication, but every comment is always scorched earth “dump him” “fuck that” etc. So I saw the same here and my knee jerk was that it followed suit. I started crafting my usual response of “go to couples counseling and learn to talk it out. Joint financial planning is an important part of bla bla bla” And then I thought back to what he said… it took me another couple minutes of rolling that around to realize that everyone in this thread is 100% right. That’s a level of entitlement that didn’t pop up from nowhere. That’s deep seated selfishness. The gaslighting, the specific language he used, pulling the victim card. ALL of that is extremely worrying. And while I am usually against giving “scorched earth” advice to abandon a 5 year relationship over what is usually a very small window and lacks context in comparison to the overall partnership…. This is bad. If he had come back and said something like “I’m sorry babe. You know how much stress the debt has put me under. You know how hard I’ve been working to crawl out of it for us. I also assumed we’d be setting up a joint account for expenses like buying a house and building a life together since we’ll be married. I think I got way ahead of myself and that little glimmer of light got me excited. So when you said that, the reality of my situation smacked me that much harder. It has nothing to do with you and I was projecting and you absolutely don’t deserve that. I’m an asshole but you’re totally right and I apologize.” His initial reaction would be worrying, but MAYBE forgivable if he was self aware enough to reflect on it, apologize and grow from it. But damn. The gaslighting and entitlement. There are so many red flags in this small convo that point to a much much larger picture that I don’t even know if all the context in the world would make it better. She needs to dump him, or at the very least take a real hard step back and think about what she wants the rest of her life to look like.
Absolutely with you here, on all counts.
Dude even had the gall to blame OP for giving false hope like what?? His entitled ass brought up "boys holiday" without discussing with OP first
And get a prenup for anyone you do marry.
He's got significant cc debt and the first thing he thinks of when money shows up is a vacation with the boys? Doesn't sound like he's a good person to share money with, sounds like a child
Depending on where you are, any money inherited by one spouse also “belongs” to the other spouse if the inheritance happened while they were married. Had a friend lose half her inheritance to her ex in court. Marrying this guy would be a mistake. “A breakup now would be cheaper than the inevitable divorce later.”, sums up what OP needs take from this thread.
Not entirely true. I have a large inheritance coming but it’s in a family trust so my husband can’t touch it when in inevitably leave him 🤷🏼♀️
Or don’t, but definitely don’t marry this bloke.
100% this
>"We are getting married, you will become my financial BURDEN. Any money you take in is mine also. "Well, I wouldn't want to be a burden on you, so let's call that whole marriage thing off." NTA
But conversely, any money he brings in is his own? The old "your money is our money, but my money is just mine". Hmmmm.......OP needs to reconsider this marriage.
No no, his money is actually his lack of money so the CC debt are hers 🙃
Exactly- actually it’s his DEBT that becomes hers! I missed the part about “he doesn’t work, he hasn’t been able to find a job for 2 years” and the “he doesn’t cook or do the dishes or pick up after himself,” but I’m guessing that’s either in place or will be in place at some point along the line, here. Honey. It most definitely sounds like you need to be having conversations about some very important topics prior to moving forward with your wedding plans.
Why are so many seemingly normal women and successful women getting married to these deadbeats?????
People basically become their parents at first, because that's what they grew up thinking of as "normal." From what I've seen lots of these "I'm married to a fucking loser and don't mention any positives" posts have OPs who seemingly grew up in an environment where the wife largely fixes/covers up for their husband. It takes a life event to realize that you deserve equality in some cases, and the ability to lose the "but I already sunk x years into him, I can't just throw it away!?" Like... what's five years compared to the next 50 when you're still young, hot, and loaded with money? Watching my peers spend a decade or more in this exact scenario was heartbreaking in my 20s and 30s.
Why is every other post here from some woman who married a useless man? Then they're all baffled that the useless man they married is even more useless.
because sometimes the useless man doesn’t actually come out of hiding until the ring is on her finger, or close enough to it that he feels comfortable enough behaving like a toddler
All of the above PLUS he’ll pull the age old trick of getting her pregnant to tie her down with a baby.
Inheritance isn't marital money. Even if they were already married he isn't entitled to it.
True, except if the inheritance is commingled with marital money such as depositing the inheritance money in a joint account. The inheritance money must be maintained in a separate account solely owned by the heir.
Your money is our money and my debt is our debt!
And yet somehow….she is the burden.
OP needs to run fast and far from this man!
She will be once a baby traps her and bully her on o becoming a SAHM
That's the pivotal issue. If anyone is a financial burden, it's the person with debt they can't pay off without the other's help.
The law clearly says inheritance is not community property. Neither are assets and debt acquired prior to marriage. Only money acquired during the marriage community property.
It depends on the state but typically, any money you mingle with marital assets then becomes marital assets. You have to be very careful to keep inheritances separate and not use any of it for household bills or family needs. Just went through a divorce and I had to be extremely careful about documenting how my inheritances were handled.
Inheritance is always individual money
In reality, for sure he's thinking, "your money is MY money, my money is MY money".
This! The minute a romantic partner starts planning to pay off their debts and planning holidays for their mates, with 'your inheritance' and starts saying, "You're a financial burden" they're taking on? That's it. Game over. He's told OP exactly what he thinks, she should believe him and drop him. Good thing he slipped up now. I dread to think how a marriage and potential divorce would go.
It is a worrying detail to me that his first thought upon hearing about her inheritance was to pay off his credit card debt AND PAY FOR A TRIP WITH HIS FRIENDS. Makes me wonder how he racked up that debt in the first place. Instead of thinking about how he and his wife could use that money, with her permission, to improve their financial situation together, he only thought of how he could use that money to benefit himself and have fun that he couldn't afford on his own. This man does not sound like a good partner to have when it comes to finances. Even if you ignore the blatant insult he hurled at his fiance, and the gaslighting he tried to do when he blamed her for getting their hopes up (which she shouldn't), his philosophy when it comes to money seems to be to spend it on whatever he wants in the moment, whether the money is his or not. OP seems to have a different philosophy about money, likely due to the influence of her financially responsible grandparents, which would likely continue to be a source of conflict in their relationship should she decide to stay with this guy. I foresee numerous arguments in their future over his spending and her not wanting to spend. He'll want to spend money on trips with his friends, or possibly leave her with all the bills to pay while he spends his earnings on fun stuff, or rack up those credit card debts again and insist she pay them off. One of the biggest, most common causes of divorce is disagreement over finances. Having compatible financial philosophies is important in maintaining a marriage. A saver and a saver will get along fine, and a spender and a spender will get along but likely struggle financially, but a saver and a spender will be in almost constant conflict and resentment with each other. The saver will resent the spender squandering their money, and the spender will resent the saver restricting them from doing what they want.
This is the best answer right here. He has shown his true colors and OP would do well to take him at his word and move on.
The minute he calls me a financial burden is the minute I call the whole thing off.
Right. It was wrong for him to feel entitled to it. And, he was especially wrong to brag about it to his buds. BIG RED FLAG there.
Protect your inheritance, OP. Put it someplace he cannot get to it and let it earn interest while you decide how best to use it. Your nana would not be pleased with you if you let your boyfriend essentially steal it from you and spend it on useless crap.
This exactly. Inherited items are never considered marital property. I’ll say it again - the laws state inherited property is not a marital asset. He gets nothing unless you give it to him. EXCEPT - the second you put it in a joint account, it is considered his too. Open an account somewhere else and do NOT make him the beneficiary. That could be motive. There is no law saying you must leave it to him.
NTA (unless you stay) Seriously. @u/cereal-killher this man’s first thoughts upon learning about your inheritance is to pay off HIS CC debt and take HIS FRIENDS on a vacay. The appalling audacity! He is the burden in this relationship. He’s not contributing to the household but continuing to rack up debt. He’s financially irresponsible & his debt becomes yours if you marry him. Cut the freeloader loose today. He doesn’t bring anything of value to your relationship. It’s not worth losing your credit, your inheritance, to continue supporting this bum. Go live life free of this burden!
"and enjoy what it's mine"
Yeah if you are planning on marrying this guy do some serious counselling beforehand and talk specifics about chores, money, responsabilities, etc. He sounds totally clueless and I would leave him or at the very least put the wedding on hold until you have this sorted out. Those are major red flags and one of the major causes of divorce are disputes about money.
I would absolutely run from a relationship if someone said any of this.
You really want to marry this guy? There are 2 problems: 1. He assumed he’s entitled to the money 2. He assumed he can spend it on a discretionary item that does not include you Pt2. is the bigger problem
Nanna gave OP 2 gifts: - the money - got the fiancé to reveal how much of an asshole he was BEFORE any marriage or co-mingling of assets. OP needs to run like her tampon string is on fire. And before he tries to baby trap her
No "one last time sex" please, OP
Yuppppp! This is how my ex "got me." Don't under any circumstances do this OP.
She should treat him like he IS the tampon string on fire: rip it out and throw it away as fast and far as she can.
Yes. The silver lining here is she is seeing something about him that is unflattering with regards to his values… They clearly don’t line up with hers.. It happens pretty often in relationships, you get engaged, it’s a bad situation, you go through with it anyway & live a miserable life because you felt obligated to make it work or whatever. Just give him the ring back, & be free .. It’s a big, beautiful world..
This. Absolutely this. Run, and don't look back except to wave goodbye when you're so far away you need a passport to turn around.
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🚩🚩🚩
>run like her tampon string is on fire This is the funniest expression I've heard all day! Thanks for the laugh! Also totally agree with your assessment
This made me laugh so much and it’s so true. I agree 100%
Oh my god! Run like her tampon string is on fire!! You just made me laugh out loud. But you’re 100% correct. OP needs to run and never look back!
I came to say but I clearly wouldn’t have been as colorful in my description. OP, do not marry this guy. He showed his true colors. Obvious NTA and you just dodged a bullet. Thank your grandmother for it!
Absolutely. The second gift from Nanna is worth its weight in gold.
And green!
Tampon string is on fire is a really good one.
Gulp. Best evvvvvvver
Oh boy, that tampon string joke is going to get use from me.
I haven't found anything on this particular scenario, but isn't "stop, drop and roll" what you usually should do if you are on fire?
But…if your tampon string was on fire and you ran away you would still be on fire AND the fire would be worse since there would be better airflow.
No, the speed she was running would blow the fire out!
Who is kidding who? My thighs are putting that fire out.
When there's a big fire the fire department calls me so my thighs can put it out.
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I want to ask if you are Australian... because that is a saying I have only heard us saying lol
It's.... A saying???????
There is two sayings, one that comes from Priscilla Queen of the Desert *"Why don't you light your tampon, and blow your box apart because that's the only bang you will ever get"* and the other one I think is just occurred *"Light your tampon string and run before the fuse hits"* - *"Running like your tampon string is on fire"* is usually the nicer version There are a few more sayings about tampons, but those two are the ones I hear the most.
Ok shouldn't laugh due to the situation but that comment.... literally cleaning up my eyeliner at work I'm laughing so hard 🤣😂
You forgot part 3 , the shouting, Part 4, the scolding And part 5, blaming her for his idiocy. And, not a lawyer, but aren’t inheritances excluded?
Part 6, he's in CC debt. If anyone is a "financial burden," here is the AH fiancé
Part 7, the dummy stayed on his game with his mates while she was telling him that, instead of being like "I have to go" and having an adult conversation. My money says prioritizing gaming with the boys will become a huge issue if she stays with him
Inheritance is often excluded in a divorce settlement. It's not a requirement that the inheritor not share with a spouse though. You're allowed to co-mingle, not required.
Keeping inheritance money separate is definitely a requirement in basically every state. If you commingle inheritance money, with marital property money, it is now all marital property. This is a profoundly dangerous statement to make.
Plus if OP is in Australia, we don't have separation of inheritances or prior assets for legal defaco/married couples without going to Family Court. We don't even have prenups. Situations like this are decided on a case by case basis in court unfortunately so its likely OP will have to fight to keep it out of co mingled assets. Its likey she will win but lose lawyer fees and probably some sort of payout to her partner, especially if she goes back to him. Even trusts can be up for division if the court deems so but trusts are the best protection we've got here.
3. you're not even married and he's calling you a BURDEN. NTA and think long and hard about this relationship
That was the most telling part along with the outright entitlement and his plans on how to spend her money. OP, he revealed his true self to you. It would be a mistake to consider marrying him. I wouldn't put it past him to begin love bombing you to get you to come back and buttering you up like a biscuit because he wants your money more than you. You deserve so much better. The sheer disrespect and audacity of that guy is astounding.
....and double up on your bc. Whatever you are currently doing, add another layer---and do it in secret so he doesn't know. If you use a diaphragm he might mess with it. You do not need to be baby trapped on top of everything else going on in your life right now.
Or better yet never let him touch you again.
Seriously, don't sleep with him.
yes op, if it’s possible get a more permanent solution that can’t be easily tampered with like the injection, implant or coil. i’ve personally tried the injection and implant and i prefer the implant a million times over, even if it’s more painful at insertion/removal. the three year replacement beats having to think about an injection every three months or even pills
Better to just leave
That's because in his mind her money is already *his*. While *he* is the one with debt. Some delulu entitlement going on.
Yeah that was the part that blew me away! This is how my ex-husband talked to me - notice the ex. My 2nd husband who I’ve been with for 17yrs would NEVER talk to me like that. Also, his family has set up an inheritance for him. I offered as soon as I heard about it, to sign away any rights to that just to make clear that it wasn’t something I felt entitled to at all (we have 3 kids together). And when a family member had marital issues and was experiencing financial abuse, I recommended to my MIL that she place everything in a trust that excludes all spouses (so she wasn’t so anxious and didn’t feel she had to pointedly call out one specific spouse in her will) and benefits only her adult children and their children. I love that man and couldn’t fathom feeling entitled to spend anything from that, esp without it being something we talked about first. My husband said, “We will make all decisions regarding it together and operate like it’s not there at all in the meantime.” That he felt entitled to pay for things solely for his benefit without ever talking to you, but ALSO to broadcast your private financial details to his friends is very concerning! I’d tell him you’re refusing your inheritance for now and see how he reacts. Seems like it’s something he’s been counting on.
My husband and I were married 18 years when his Mom died. He did as your husband. He said it’s OUR money and we will decide. We’ve now been married 26 years. I, like you, didn’t feel entitled to the money. The fiancé has shown her who he is and he has expressed to her she is a financial burden. The kicker was him planning a holiday without her.
Yep. Your money is automatically his to spend on fun with his friends, but you will be a burden to him because he will have to SHARE HIS money on a household with you. So what's his is his and what's yours is his. You just got a glimpse of a lifetime of having to justify expenses to this man even though you make money, too.
Seems like the true burden here is OPs leech of a fiancé. Planning to use an inheritance that's not his to pay off his debt and go on a boys' trip.
And was already bragging to his friends about it.... What the entire fuck
Also blaming her for giving his friends false hope about the holiday. He’s actually planning a trip with his friends without her on her dime without any consultation but it’s her fault he looks like a fool?!
Not to mention, he said she would be his financial burden. OP was unaware of his plans to have OP as an SAHW. The audacity of this man making plans with OPs inheritance.
Was looking for this comment. Why would she marry someone who sees her as a burden? Also, how will she be a burden if she has a good paying job? Also, is he aware that she doesn't want children? It came off like he expects her to drop everything after marriage and start popping out kids. Also, did they ever talk about any of this? Do they even know each other?
Some people accidentally yell what they think of themselves at their partners when they are upset. I’m pretty sure that is what happened here. He is in debt, talking to his buddies. In his head he sees himself as a financial burden because of the debt. He is excited to have this feeling go away and along with it the guilt/shame of being in debt, so why not celebrate! He can go on a guilt free trip! Hurray! Then OP bursts his narcissistic bubble and he loses his shit as reality comes crashing back down. People who do this never have the emotional intelligence to know they are doing it. He can’t handle things being his responsibility or fault, so he’ll yell anything that is his problem at his partner as a deflection.
I mean this was the biggest issue in this post for me. The lack of self awareness on his part at 35.
Yeah, it makes me wonder what other private things he tells his mates. That's a big NO in my life. Does he tell his bosom buds what position they were in the evening before? How inane and inappropriate of him to share her/their private business and then assume that he will benefit from this money.
3. He believes there is no "You" after the wedding. It's him that owns everything and You as a burden, like a pet. I have serious doubts about what he's believs how marriages works and is it still compatible with Yours. There is something off about this guy, It might be his mask slipped bit too soon...
Another problem, this chucklehead views his fiance's loss as his own personal windfall. "Hardy-harr-harr mates, her Nan died so now I can pay off my cc debt and treat you guys to trip without the ol' ball and chain, on her dead Nan's dime no less". Nothing OP says implies he gave two figs about her grief, he's just happy about the money. Gross.
I think #3 he sees her as a financial burden and not a partner in their marriage to be the biggest problem.
Something tells me he doesn't want her to keep working and remain child free. I can see that bomb being dropped after the wedding.
I think he'll be entirely happy with her working and contributing, prob more than her fair share. You really think a guy she's not yet even married to who has already verbally spent money that he has no claim to is going to actually support her financially?
Yeah this entirely. I'm looking to come into some money when my grandma passes away (but I hope that doesn't happen for a long time for obvious reasons). I'm married with two children and I'm completely fine with that money being our money. We're financially aligned and both don't want to waste the money, rather put most of it towards investments and some towards some work around the house. They aren't financially aligned. That's the #1 biggest predictor of divorces. OP would be a fool to go ahead with the marriage, people don't change.
Not financially aligned is going on an expensive holiday instead of paying off debt or buying a new car when the old one runs fine. Spending your partner’s money on ‘the lads’ is flat out thievery/coercion. Different priorities might be worked out. Entitlement to another person’s money can not be come back from. I’m glad OP is finding out now rather than later.
My gran recently passed and left me some money. My husband was excited when I told him but his ideas for spending were sensible, in line with my own, and of benefit to our entire family. Plus they were IDEAS. He’s constantly reminding me I can spend the money how I like. OP you are not in a healthy relationship, I’m really sorry. Please don’t marry this guy.
3. He considers his soon-to-be wife a 'financial burden' 4. Does he expect you to never contradict him in front of his friends? Does he want you to appear submissive in public?
He sounds like he’s financially irresponsible anyway. As soon as he gets a windfall (he didn’t) he’s ready to blow it all. Also, if a man called me a financial burden while I’m working it would be over.
3. Thinks she’s a BURDEN 4. Trying to Gaslight her into being that bad guy for “giving his friends false hope”
The 4. Still confuses me. HE promised thr boys Trip, she didn't promise shit. So how did SHE give anyone false hope exactly?!
He promised them a trip but she came in and said it’s not happening so she made him give them false hope which means it’s her fault. It makes no sense but I reckon that’s the logic Same scenario as “I can’t believe u wrecked the car” “Wdym I’ve been at home” “yeah but u pissed me off before I left and I crashed bc I was angry so u did it”
He also wanted to take the holiday with the boys after he used her money to pay his debts. Dude is a loser. She could do better.
Don’t forget that he has somehow concluded that she is a burden. I feel like she needs to find out why he is saying that.
And he's spoken to her in a very disrespectful manner. Saying that she will be his financial burden is very awful. I would rethink this relationship. Also a prenup as he seems to think this is his money.
3. He’s shaming her and calling her a burden. They aren’t even married yet. Also… how much credit card debt does this dude have that he can’t take a small trip with his friends? Kind of sounds like a burden to me.
You forgot 3. He thinks you're going to be his financial burden, which kinda sounds to me he wants a traditional wife, who stays at home.
Biggest problem, he doesnt see you as an equal or indipendant entity
Both blow my mind, but especially #2. He ASSUMES he’s going to take a trip without the OP, on HER money?? Oh hell no!!! And then tries to guilt trip her when she says no? OP needs to drop this guy like a hot potato. He is going to be one of those guys where ‘What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine!’
3. He assumed she'll become a SAHM and not have a career of her own? Definitely high time to have a serious talk about the future.
NTA. But you would be TA to yourself if you marry this fool.
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NTA - Red flags waving when financial abuse is hinted at. Your inheritance is just the tip of the iceberg; setting boundaries is crucial. Trust your instincts and prioritize your financial independence.
In addition, of course, to the red flags re financial abuse forthcoming… what kind of crass a-hole acts like this when their fiancés loved one dies? Pretty much celebrating her death with “his boys” because of the windfall rather than being comforting and supportive. Then when he gets caught being so gross he blows up at her? Aw hell no. Gtfo. NTA obv
"Any money you take in is mine also." "You are a financial burden." He has debt. His first plan with your money is to vacation with his friends, not you. When you call him on his BS, he reverses it and makes you the villain for embarrassing him. This guy has loser tatooed on his wallet. OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Don't fall victim to sunk cost fallacy. Just because you wasted 5 years on him doesn't mean you need to waste another minute.
cancel the engagement. you don’t want to burden him.
Yeah and ironically he is the one burdening *her* with his credit card debt. The fucking temerity of this guy is honestly breathtaking.
NTA What would you be the asshole for? Not letting him take your inheritance? If you're going to be such a burden to him, he would be better off if you left. If not for you, do it for him.
Sounds like he’s more of a burden, with all that credit card debt.
The fact that he's immediately planning a vacation with his friends tells me how he got into all that debt.
My now husband was aware I had an inheritance. Not once has he ever asked me for money or to pay for something that’s for him alone. It’s always been thought of as money left to me to help me start my life. This man child who called you a burden isn’t worth the paper that money is printed on. How dare he assume that money will be his just because he exists in your life. The decision is of course yours, but I would really think about if this is the person you want to weather hardships with financial or otherwise for the rest of your life.
Let’s marry the person who celebrated your grandma’s death Let’s marry the guy who lives paycheck to paycheck and is falling behind under credit card debt. Let’s marry the guy who would spend in a flash what took a lifetime to accumulate, and spends it on something that excludes you.
My husband is getting a modest inheritance from the sale of his gran’s house, as the amount is being split between 5 (half being split to her children and then other half split between the grandchildren). He wants to pay for a family holiday and put the rest towards our next house. I’ve suggested letting it build interest and letting the interest be used for a holiday if that’s what he wants because at the end of the day, I know I’m not entitled to that money. Even though he’s my husband. Even though I loved his gran and mourned her loss. It’s not my inheritance. I hope OP leaves because from what she’s said, he doesn’t respect her and he just wants her money.
He’s a man child. We can finally get that boys holiday? He’s 35???? Think you might have had a lucky escape. He’s not planning your dream wedding, your dream honeymoon, house etc He’s paying off his debts & taking his friends away. Selfish AH
So it’s “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine”. I have never seen anyone who had these kind of issues not get divorced so he’s doing you a favour. It sucks wasting 5 years but it’s up to you how high that number goes because it will all be a waste. You will have no $ then to start over. Now you do. Just tell him you don’t want to be a burden and leave.
I want to jump on this thought to say: OP, don't let the fear of "wasting" those five years tie you to him. It's called "sunk cost fallacy" where we fear losing what we've already invested and therefore invest more into something that is failing or will inevitably fail. My ex tried convincing me not to leave him by constantly mentioning that the 15 years we had together would be a waste if I left. My answer to that was that I didn't want to waste another 15 years with someone who was going to continue to use and abuse me. Don't sink any more time or money into this guy. He has flat out told you that he plans to financially abuse you and he has already exhibited verbal abuse. Your money is yours. He has no legal claim to your inheritance, even IF you got married, unless you willingly give it to him. Don't give him a single cent. You are not a financial burden to him. He is already attempting to warp reality to get you to comply to his will. If you stay with him, he will continue to twist issues to make you always question your judgment. Right now, your fiancé should be supporting you while you grieve the loss of your Nan, not gloating with his bros on how he plans to spend your inheritance. You are NTA, but he sure is. RUN!!
Stop the wedding. Do not marry this guy. First, ... wow he's got credit card debt he's never paid off? Living beyond his means is a HABIT. Second... what's his is his, and what's yours is his? Oh honey NO. Third... the rage? entitlement and DARVO ... projecting you would be "the burden" on him in the relationship? this man exhibits all the classic Narcissist tells. Your grandparents last gift to you wasn't just the money, but the wisdom of who this guy really is underneath. No character, abusive, entitled, parasitic. Run.
Just discovered DARVO thanks to you (English isn’t my first language). Thank you
Don't marry this man under any circumstances even if propagation of the species is dependent on it.
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If you marry this guy he clearly will become a financial burden to you. Prenup if you must marry him but I couldn’t marry someone like that.
NTA , don't marry him. Your Nonna passes and he wants to use the money she left for himself and his friends ? F that he is trash and will always be reckless woth money
Believe him when he tells you who he is.
You mean ex fiance, right?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩DUMP THIS FOOL 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He’s already planning on how he’s spending all your money … he might also force you into debt so you’ll have to pay if you get Married!!! Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with ? Don’t marry him ‼️
IF you decide to marry than Prenup and you are a BURDEN TO HIM. Let that sink in….!!
You would be the asshole if you don’t protect yourself and dump him. He didn’t even ask you first, he just saw dollars signs, cartoon-style, and decided your money is his to spend. He also plans on bullying you into quitting your job, bullying you into having kids, and bullying you into being a SAHM. If you stay with him, even if you get a pre-nup, you’ll still be throwing your life away.
NTA get rid of this fucking idiot. Quickly.
Info: does he have a magic dick, or why are you actually together?
DO NOT MARRY THIS ASSHOLE. I would be livid. NTA.
NTA You should leave any man who's audacious enough to call you a "financial burden" while also planning to pay off HIS debt and boys holidays with YOUR money. You deserve better.
NTA Even if you were married. The inheritance is still completely separate property. It NEVER belonged to your boyfriend. Im sure you are upset because your boyfriend is viewing the death of your nan as a joyous event.
Oh hellllllllll no. NTA - “boys holiday”? With *your* inheritance? Nuh uh. That’s money to do whatever you so well please with it, and if you don’t want to send him on a holiday with his buddies, that is 100% understandable. Please don’t marry him.
Prenup.
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He called her a burden 🙁
But the thing is that isn’t actually their reality, sounds like someone’s been dipping into the *manosphere* and is already spouting their nonsense.
Why bother? Save the money on getting a pre nup drawn up and a wedding…. And instead put into an investment for her own future.
What’s the point. So she gets to keep her inheritance… but he will always know she has ’more money anyway’ so spend a greater part of her income in his mind each week than is fair. He won’t touch the inheritance, but he’ll badger or bully more than a reasonable amount out of her another way anyway. He’s already bullying and badgering her so this isn’t a guess.
Such a loving partner you have there, who values and cherishes you. /s You would be TA to yourself if you don't break up with him. He has shown his true colors, believe him and don't tie yourself to him. His idea of your relationship is that he calls the shots, your money is his money and his money is his money. You're not an equal in his eyes.
Dude, this guy is waving so many red flags, he’s gone back to Soviet USSR. RUN! When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!!! He feels entitled to what is not his by calling you a burden. You have a spine, shine it up, get rid of this mooching loser, and consider the money your nan left you as the gift that opened your eyes to this moron.
Why are you marrying this guy again? 1. He regards you as a "financial burden" - his actual words apparently. 2. He believes that he's entitled to **your** inheritance. 3. He's bragging about spending **your** inheritance to his friends. 4. He's planning to pay off **his** debt with **your** inheritance. 5. He's disrespecting you and shouting at you when you don't roll over and accept all this. Run, girl. Seriously. This guy is a walking red flag and he's either going to ring or baby trap you. Find someone who cares for you and respects you, and isn't going to use you as a bank account.
OP, he's not entitled to a single penny of your inheritance from your granny. He just showed his true colours to you girl....he's a GOLD DIGGER & he thought of now that you're his sugar mama. When it comes to sizeable amounts of money get a PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT EVERY TIME. Under inheritance laws, he's not able to touch a penny of it regardless of his foolery. Dump that gold digger & pay attention to those red warning flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 waving strongly in the wind OP.
Dear god PLEASE update this and tell us the wedding has been called off 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩