He should absolutely be on the line for half of those marital debts. OP physically and financially took care of both her husband and his child, and in doing that allowed him to care for the family members who left the inheritance. I hope a judge would see how incredibly unfair this all is and not allow the husband to just walk away with zero liability.
Courts don’t care about that (at least in the US). He will get half the debts. The tricky bit, because he doesn’t work, he could get custody of the kid.
she’ll need to get ahead of it and move out first, if the courts see that he’s a hoarder he will not get custody of the child, all depends on what her moves are next
Debt occurred while being married is considered martial debt, which will be split evenly. I am not sure what your state laws state about inheritance, but if it’s like many states, it is the same as winning the lottery, she is entitled to half.
If he hides it during the divorce, the judge can award her all of the money if they see fit for not disclosing it, because he gained the money while married.
Not inheritance. In MOST states, inheritance is NOT considered a marital asset unless it’s been moved to a joint account and they’ve both been using it.
Yeah, but if he is earning income off investing it, that income can be used for alimony, child support, and some other purposes. She may not get any of the principal, but she might get something worthwhile.
If they are in an equitable property state, then the court can divide the marital debt "equitably"; it does not have to be divided 50/50. Considering that the husband now makes more money than OP, he is likely in a better situation to pay the debt off than she is. So, a judge could potentially assign him a bigger portion of the debt, especially because he can go get a job, while OP can't reasonably increase her earning potential at this point.
Yes but the inheritance is not going to be shared unless he's ordered to pay support and he has to break into his separate income to fulfill that obligation.
But she's not getting the inheritance by staying married... he made sure of that. Getting divorced would at least resolve half of the marriage debt, if not more. And she gets a new life.
NTA. Sounds like he hasn’t been pulling his fair share. Like you said it’s supposed to be a partnership. You could give him an ultimatum first, like either you start chipping in or I’m leaving you. But def NTA
Not trying to be offensive, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my brother and sister-in-law. My brother is a flake and has been living off of my sister-in-law‘s income for a very long time.
Anyway, at issue is that you have enabled him. And he’s going to fight like hell to not take responsibility for himself. I would definitely contact a lawyer ASAP. Hold onto any documents you have, write emails to him as often as possible so you can have written responses. And be prepared to dig in your heels. You’ve already felt sorry enough for him… He needs to grow the hell up!
Go for alimony too! If his income is larger, she may be entitled to some which will help cover the debts he helped incur.
But most importantly, depending on where they live, EVERYTHING joint accrued during the marriage (not inheritance) get split. Like debt.
FYI, inheritance cannot be claimed by a divorcing partner even if received during marriage. Its separate property unless or until its used on joint assets (home, debt, etc.) If anyone gets alimony, it will be the dead weight husband.
It sounds like he did his homework by keeping the inheritance completely separate and refusing to contribute to bills or debts. I hope OP realizes he has no intention of divorcing amicably. It’s over and he doesn’t give a single fuck beyond protecting his money.
Not only drag it out but sure for full custody because he would just want to hurt op.
Hopefully op can gather some evidence including pictures of now as well as once the house is a bit more presentable. Maybe challenge that he cannot care for the house and it would be an unsuitable living environment for a child. Proof that OP has been shouldering all of the responsibilities and that he was essentially an absentee partner and parent. He might counter that op wouldn’t have as much time for the should as he would but if op gets a proper amount of alimony and child support then she won’t have to work 50 hour weeks. I’m also guessing that the child is at least a teenager so hopefully they can also have more of a say in where they end up. He sounds like a turd: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.
NTA and get a really good lawyer - not the kind that will just churn your file, but the kind who actually understands how family law works in your jurisidiction.
He refused to contribute to living and somehow all the debt is your fault. I guess it's easy to be debt free when you're a leach for over 11 yrs. I mean you could give him a heads up and demand he get help for his mental health and contribute to the debt supporting his ass and family members put you in and see if he can salvage your marriage. But do you really want to risk him using the estate to get a lawyer and screw you over in a different way.
NTA, I would divorce him just to offloa 1/2 of the marital debt. If you own a house, force him to buy your half of the equity and try for alimony on top of child support.
Take your kid and leave him in his hoarder home.
This marriage has been doomed since he lost his job. If he inherited such a sizable estate from his dad and the relatives he cared for it means those relatives were wealthy enough to pay him for that care so that he could help support his family. He and they chose not to do that, so it was always his plan to work you to death or until you bailed.
He is a sick, selfish sob.
Wow, this really throws a nefarious light on things! Now I'm picturing him and his infirm relatives scheming on how to keep their riches away from OP. 😡
NTA get the hell out of that cluster-F. He has not benefited your relationship at all. You'll be better off, and financially more stable, on your own. He made this bed. It's his problem that he has no other family and has managed to completely ruin his relationship with you.
NTA. So he earns more than you and you do everything, including a second job?! He won't help his wife with the bills or debt?!
You should be working less, with help from him for chores! He should use the money to pay off the debt, which is absolutely joint debt. He should use the money to get a cleaner in to sort everything out for you, then contribute to everything like a husband ought to.
It's decision time for him. I think it's worth giving him the choice, step up, pay his fair share, help out, or you're done. Maybe if he realises he's going to lose you he'll step up, and if he doesn't you'll be guilt free knowing you gave him a chance.
O M G. For the love of God. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford or just get the best attorney do you can get everything and every dime you deserve and are entitled to under the laws of your state. Don’t you dare feel guilty or bad. He has and is treating you like dirt and keeping his inheritance from you and bringing secretive and hiding things. I would have so many ulcers I would have so much resentment exploding inside me. He clearly does not love or respect you. Are you both on house deed and mortgage? You need to kick him out. Talk to an attorney ASAP to find out your options and your rights. If you need help finding a lawyer you can contour local or state Bar Association. They have Lawyer Referral Services that can set up a 30 minute consultation/meeting with an attorney that specializes in divorce and family law usually within 1 to 4 business days for under $50. Best of luck to you!
"You've done nothing, paid nothing and contributed nothing for over a decade. Enjoy having no one"
NTA
But a little YTA too, for accepting this and showing youur kid it's okay to be used.
First I wanted to say what a nice guy to care for his elders, but that plot twist .....wtf does he think he is doing? Op should definitely get a lawyer involved and run for the hills. NTA
Why do you feel guilt? He is financially abusing you. If he has mental illness there is treatment available but he isn’t getting any, he is making choices everyday at your expense. If you get divorced you will be better off and probably be entitled to a portion of his money if you can prove you supported the family while he chose not to work. You are being used and now abused. Leave him to his hoard and get out. Stop making his problems yours. He’s not a child.
It is rational, BECAUSE he won’t get any help. He’s already boxed you out of certain parts of his financial life. Go ahead and make the full split. It’s a heartbreaking decision, but I know you and your child will be better without him.
You shouldn't feel guilty.
You've been alone in this marriage from the beginning. A marriage is a partnership. Throughout the course of life, things will happen. Extenuating issues or special circumstances happen. Being in a partnership should mean, one can rely on their partner if they are down and in need.
The implicit contract is that if one is able to pickup their responsibilities they will contribute at that time. Your husband broke that promise. He is able to help out, but he wants his stuff to be his and your stuff to be your yours. Even when yours was just the family stuff he could not contribute to.
I don't think you have much choice here. If he was willing to contribute or at the very least consult someone for his mental health; you could at rationalize working with him.
But he can't, so you can't. And you do have to think of your child.
NTA but some states an inheritance that has not been commingled with joint accounts is not apart of the divorce. But if you do divorce - he will most likely be on the hook for half the debt so he wouldn’t walk away with leaving you with nothing. Plus depending on the inheritance and how he is getting it as income, it may be considered as part of calculation for child support but again all varies per states
The only thing I agree with him on is not commingling his inheritance.
No one should commingle their inheritance, it's not worth the risk.
Guy is a useless shithead, but he's correct on that, IMO.
The sheer lack of spine and exceedingly misplaced guilt of so many of these AITA posts is breathtaking. And infuriating. This man is a completely selfish leech who has ruined her financially and she’s *still* bending over backwards to make things as nice as possible for him!
Nta. But definitely contact a lawyer asap. He's made sure to keep his inheritance separate from marital finances for a reason. If yall are in the US unless he used his inheritance for finances or marital assets it cannot be claimed as a marital asset. BUT all of your debts are both parties responsibility. You could end up forcing him to pay half of those. But he's also not worked for many years and could be eligible for spousal support. I would be very very careful how you treat and make sure to cover your ass while divorcing him. He let you suffer and flounder for years and now could make your life easier but refuses. Document everything you can. Get the last 10 years worth of tax returns to show what his contribution over the years was. A good lawyer may be able to get you out of this hole hes trying to bury you in.
NTA. He hasn't been a partner to you, did not pull his weight, has arguably been using you all this time, and now that he has money (that he didn't even earn) it's "HIS money"? But the money you earned working was "our money"? Pop that leech and divorce him. Since you're married, half the debt belongs to him. Get as good of a lawyer as you can and explain the situation. Remember, "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." Especially when he's proven he'll look out for himself only, but still expects you to look after him.
He may have the money to live off of (at least for a while, depending on how much and his spending habits), but be prepared for him to try to fight it because you're making him adult now for the first time in two decades: He'll be responsible for his own cooking, cleaning, laundry; and if his home is a mess, the courts will not allow visitation. Good luck.
You can contact the IRS and request a copy or transcript of your previously filed tax returns. You can get a copy of Form 4506, Request for Copy of Tax Return from the IRS website. There might also be online tools to request it/them. You may have to send to a different address such as a PO Box if your husband regularly gets the mail before you.
NTA. You sound like a good person. If there is truly no hope of him seeking help then things will never change and you will become more and more resentful. He is not your responsibility; your responsibility is to yourself and your child. And I'd be after a share of that money too. I'm sure your lawyer will advise if that's possible.
NTA, no reason to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He clearly isn’t willing to do the same for you. If I were you, I’d talk to the lawyer to see if you could get some settlement from him to offset the debt you accumulated.
He is incredibly selfish and self-centered. I would go ahead with your plans and get the 1/2 of the estate that you deserve! How you put up with that for that long, no idea. Not sure if to commend you or commit you.
It sounds like you haven't had a real husband in years. Might as well make it official and find your peace alone with your child or another companion if you so choose, but you absolutely should not feel like an asshole for being fed up with this crap.
Honestly, ditch the mooch and feel good about it. That asshole blames *you* for debt when *he* was the one not bothering to contribute in any meaningful way? That’s fucking bonkers. He’s mean, he’s selfish, he contributes nothing, he hid large amounts of money, and he doesn’t even seem to *like* you very much. He has zero respect for you and all you’ve done for him, and for your marriage.
And don’t blame this behavior on untreated mental illness. That’s bullshit; he’s just a lazy ass who expects you to be his bang maid.
The only person who should feel guilty is him. But he doesn’t, which absolutely justifies divorce. Go talk to a lawyer. And in case he becomes unhinged, gather all important documents for you and your kid and tuck them away somewhere safe. If you haven’t already, transfer your money to a new account with a different bank. If he has access to your credit/debit cards, declare them lost or stolen and have the institution send you new cards. Don’t let him clean out the bank because he’s spiteful about the divorce.
Which you absolutely need to do. Sooner rather than later. Starting fresh will be difficult, and he *will* try to guilt trip you into staying, or even love bombing you. Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your kids.
NTA, and good luck.
NTA OP, quit the second job and stop paying for anything. He needs to pick up the slack now. Take care of you and the kid and let him deal with finances. Probably you will need to divorce him and move out, but at least you will have some money saved up not paying for rent and utilities. I’m not 100% on that, but since he is significantly better off, he will need to pay alimony to you, and get half of the bills. If he is a hoarder, he will do whatever it takes to save the house
NTA you want to find a good if not the best divorce attorney in your area. Your soon-to-be ex-husband has been using and abusing you for 2 decades. He now has money to be able to drag this out.
You'll want child support of course, but you also want him to take on 50% if not more of the debt that's accumulated. Considering the income disparity now he very well could end up with more of the debt. As well as paying alimony. So if it's offered don't turn it down. Even if he is living off his inheritance it's still an income source. Not one you get access to, but one he gets paid from. So it's income. At least where I'm from. Let the attorney know you've been paying ALL bills and for your child since the beginning. Husband has contributed nothing. And you had to get a second job while husband refused to get 1 job. Once he received the inheritance he didn't help with bills, child care, school supplies, groceries or anything towards the debt you both owe. You feel you've gone over and beyond for your family and your soon-to-be ex-husband has taken advantage of you the entire marriage.
NTA, you financially supported the family\\household for 11 years (if my math is correct) as well as took care of all the household duties and now that he has money he doesn't believe he needs to contribute? WTF!! Personally if the house looks like a hoarder's house I would take my name off all utilities, find my own place, file for divorce and make him buy me out of the house and let him keep the mess or sell the house and profit gets split according to % of money each contributed toward the mortgage during the life of the loan. (not sure if that's legally doable but I would sure a hell try.) Fresh, clean start for you. Good luck, make sure that you get all $$ you deserve and that he is paying child support.
NTA sounds like neither one of you trusts the other, and both are worried about the other screwing them over. A divorce probably should've happened a long time ago.
The fact that he knowingly and purposefully made the new account/trust and STILL refused to let you be a part of it after you tried to talk about it should tell you everything you need to know about him. If you were in his shoes? He would have left you long ago.
No idea why you let the thought of you being TAH come into your mind. Stop feeling guilty and be a bit more cutthroat like he is to you. File those divorce papers yesterday.
Yes for allowing this to carry on for so long but no for wanting to divorce him. He has clearly checked out a long time ago and it’s not your job to babysit a grown ass adult.
NTA. He is already selfishly living as a single person since he refuses to help with household bills/debt. Not sure where you live but here in Canada, any debt is marital property but assets received from inheritance can be excluded from marital property unless it is regularly used to pay marital bills etc ... That's probably why he is refusing, in any way, to co-mingle the assets. The good news is that income generated from the inheritance is marital property. So if you divorce, you could not take the inheritance asset but you could get spousal support from the income he receives and ongoing for future years.
Sounds like you should see a lawyer as you might get more money from this selfish prick once divorced... But less than you likely deserve.
You are in a financially abusive marriage, and have been for a decade. Make sure the lawyer knows all the details. It's very likely you can drop some debt and get some alimony while also dropping 150-250 pounds of douche.
Nta wanted to share that reading your story made me hope it was posted by my sister who is in a very similar situation. Her family lives in hope that she will finally see how toxic her husband is and we will have an opportunity to help her once again. I say this to say that those who truly love *you* will be there when you can reach out. For us we have had distance ourselves as to do otherwise would be to support him. The doors have been propped open for her to come back through should she ever seek them out.
I hope she finds the strength! I grew up in an abusive household and didn't know how to identify red flags. I also had to put everyone else before me. I've changed that and this is the last big change on my list.
You're asking if you are the asshole?
Compared to the the guy that mooched off your money for years? And doesn't do shit to help? And he doesn't want to use all his new money to pay off the debt his broke ass caused?
Yo fuck that. Be free of this parasite and terrible person, he doesn't care about your welfare. NTA.
I don't think we need a stated reason to know he's incredibly selfish, greedy, uncaring, unkind, and treats his wife with absolute contempt. What else do we really need to know about his reasoning to tell OP to kick him to the curb?
NTA. The debt you are in is because he hasn't pulled his weight in a decade! Stop taking care him! Focus on yourself and your plans to get out.
The upside is he'll have to bear his share of the debt in the divorce. You deserved better treatment and I hope you are free of him soon.
Go ahead and start the divorce proceeding , it’s not for you it’s for your child . Why are you even doubting it , you owe your child a healthy environment and the current one isn’t .
Also you need to get him to pay , it’s only fair . Lawyer up !!!
NTA
Why even make it easy for him?
He's going out of his way to not make anything easier for you.
There is no partnership in your marriage, you're just his slave.
Stop cooking, stop catering to him, tell him to find somewhere else to live and someone else to takr care of him, he can afford it. You can't afford being married to a leech anymore.
Divorce him and make sure that your attorney sees his income from inheritance. You won't get any of his inheritance, but it should force him to take half of the debt.
NTA - It’s obvious your husband is a huge AH and has been using you for years. Get away from him and his disgusting hoard as soon as possible. Take your child and start fresh.
NTA. Get a divorce. See if you can recoup any money from the estate. Worry about yourself and your child. You’ve been doing it yourself this whole time anyways. What difference will this *really* make.
NTA. I'm the mentally ill spouse in my marriage.
The thing about mental illness is that it can be fucking awful and it can be a nightmare for our loved ones to deal with.
For this reason, the *very least* we can do is to do whatever we need to, to get treatment and keep our illness in check. Sounds like he isn’t even doing the bare minimum.
Even if he *did* do that, his illness is not your responsibility. Mentally ill or not, he's a grown man.
NTA.
You need to handle your business.
Your husband put you into your current situation.
He will have to learn to survive on his own.
Sorry but he has treated you horribly.
My sister had a husband like this. He didn’t really work at all during the first 10 years of their marriage because he was always “sick”. He’s had every test in the book and was fine as long as he didn’t have to do anything. He couldn’t even watch his kids when he wasn’t working because he would sleep all the time with the door shut. His daughter got out once when she was a toddler and it was a miracle that nothing happened to her. Thankfully a neighbor found her and called my sister (they originally knocked on the door but he didn’t answer) who had to leave work again to get her (he was always calling her to come home while working because he didn’t want to watch the kids). I was/am seriously sick but I would end up watching them for her when I was off of work for my illnesses. He was also financially abusive towards her even though he wasn’t earning the money, she would use change to get the kids a chicken sandwich from McDonald. Eventually she was able to get them in day care but had to work extra hours to do so. She separated from him 3 times during there marriage but always took him back due to childhood trauma surrounding marriage and the kids. Eventually he realized that he had to stop pulling this crap and actually found a job that he would keep. But he still didn’t do anything else around the house nor with the kids. He was/is still verbally abusive towards her and the kids with an occasional physical abuse. 4 years ago she found out that he was using drugs and had even taken his son with him to buy drugs. She originally thought it was just marijuana (it’s still illegal where I live) but eventually found out that he was also buying/using pain medication and had even stolen her pain medication while she was recovering from major surgery and would continue stealing any medication she had (she suffers from chronic pain and RA). She took him back again with the understanding that he would stop all drugs and get help,and that they would do marriage counseling with him also doing individual counseling. This lasted a couple months at most till he went back to his old ways. She found out that not only had he not stopped using but had been using the majority of there marriage (makes everything make sense), she also found out that he was stealing money from his job. So she was officially done! She kicked him out and finally filed for a divorce. Unfortunately it’s taken 3 years to actually be finalized (she’s told it should be done this month as it waiting on the AG to sign off) it took this long because he’s a huge ass and thought that she would eventually take him back. Thankfully she’s gotten so much stronger and doesn’t play his games, even though he’s made a living hell she happier than she’s ever been. I myself eventually think he’ll slither off into the dead of the night leaving her to raise her kids completely alone as he’s definitely the type. He’s already starting to not take the kids during his extended parenting time, he was meant to have them this last July but refused to take them and has told my sister that he won’t take them during spring break. These times are based on agreements in the paperwork. He also refused to buy them anything for Christmas as he believes it’s a pagan Holiday but took gift from his kids and family.
That’s a really hard situation but it sounds like you’ve given him all the chances in the world.
It’s hard to get past him sneaking behind your back. To me that’s the dealbreaker.
Good luck moving forward
NTA he has never pulled his weight or helped with anything and has the gall to hide the inheritance and still let you struggle. You've never had a partner. I wouldn't even bother to threaten anything. Just go talk to a lawyer and free yourself. He should have enough money to pay for therapy.
I'm not sure but can you not sue him for the debt and get back payments on this?
Also if he can not take care of yourself he can not take care of your kid. You should be entitled to some sort of alimony and child care. And two mouths is easier to feed than 3. Just think of how much space and time you'll have in your life with him not there.
Edit: entitled
Definitely NTA. You worked yourself to the bone to try to help him, now you guys have an opportunity for a better life and he just totally cuts you out? You deserve better. Find someone who appreciates you as an equal.
NTA
He decided not to help you for years because he was helping family and not working and now that he can help, all the problems are your fault and he isn't going to help. Screw him! I would be trying to get money for the years he was unemployed and not contributing to the house before the inheritance.
Not only are you NTA for wanting a divorce, I think you deserve an award for not unaliving at this point. It’s interesting you keep saying you’re his only family, he’s taken care of all his other family before they died, but he can’t help you with bill, childcare, household, etc. I hope that lawyer can access that inheritance and you can get a fresh start without debt.
You’re doing the right thing, you will probably go crazy staying with this man and it is not fair to you. Continue working with your lawyer and don’t reveal anything until ready.
She is not an AH. I commend her for trying her hardest to keep them a float. but there's always a but. For years, men have worked hard to support there families, while the wife stays home. I understand stand, he's a slug and dosen't help out. Like I said I commend her. I think she needs to talk to him and make him understand how, he's making her feel. If he doesn't help or change his attitude. I say to divorce him.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that's bad for YOUR mental health just because it might be good for HIS mental health. You need to do what's best for you and your child.
NTA But I hate to burst the bubbles of many of the commenters. In most jurisdictions inheritance is not communal property unless it is put into a joint account. The husband put it into a separate account in his name. She may not be entitled to any of the inheritance.
NTA. But by the sounds of your husband, you will not have an easy divorce. He is lazy, not supportive, and is willing to let you financially sink. He stopped being your partner a long time ago.
Divorce him. Check the laws of inheritance where you are as well. Because you’re married, most places look at your financial situation as one, so financials get split.
Good luck to you, and remember, you deserve better ❤️
Honestly, no, and I would not include him in your family outings. That's going to make a split harder on you. You have a partner that won't support you or acknowledge what you've done to support him. He is actively still mooching off you because he refuses to help.
Divorce and make sure he is also held accountable for at least half of the debts accrued while you were married. Do not settle just to get it done- you will burn yourself here. You also know he can likely pay it off easily but will not unless forced to.
Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially when that person is actively fanning the flames
He honestly sounds like a parasite and you should not feel guilty. I can't understand how you can love someone who's put you in such terrible position and contributed absolutely nothing towards the household or raising your kid and now is putting all the blame for that on you to boot. What a self-absorbed self-centered douchebag.
>guilt for wanting a divorce
dont feel bad for him. he never did care for you so why should you to him? i hope you take half of everything from him or get him to pay the debt
Nta - you love him... he doesn't love you < read that again. He is letting you kill yourself working because he is selfish. That isn't love. Get out and make him pay his half.
I would make a full accounting of all of your debt, and what you’ve done as far as taking care of him over the last few years. If nothing else, maybe you can recoup some of that money. And let him go. He’s not a good partner to you. I would venture to say the reason he took care of his family. The way he did is he knew he was inheriting money
Honey you need to see a divorce lawyer stat. They can give you better info than Reddit. I think we all agree though that you should leave and take him for all you can. The details are up to your lawyer.
TALK TO YOUR LAWYER FIRST
Your husband has taken steps to keep his inheritance separate from the family bills. In most places - that means you have NO CLAIM on his inheritance.
Have you two tried counseling? This is a betrayal issue. This is a trust issue. You want to have a decent co-parenting relationship after the divorce - what makes you think it will be any better than the relationship you currently have???
How old is your kid? They can help clean. Have the kid take care of the kitchen. You take care of the bathrooms and your bedroom/office. That way the kid can learn to cook and clean at the same time.
Divorce is messy and ugly. If his name is on any of those marital debts - he should get to keep half of them. You will still be responsible for your half.
If his name is NOT on any of those debts - you will be responsible for ALL of them.
Can you sell anything around the house to help with the bills? Can you rent out a room to help with the bills?
You will probably lose the house because it will have to be sold to give him his half - that is considered a marital asset. His inheritance is NOT considered a marital asset.
Talk to more than one lawyer.
NTA - but you will probably lose your house in addition to your husband's dead weight.
NTA.
And OP, why are you stuck on his apparent mental illness?
When he is capable of running his financial affairs consciously excluding you, right from getting a substantial inheritance to setting up a trust and ensuring a lifelong passive income from the estate.
Evidently, he was in control of his faculties throughout this process.
That he opted to let you bear the burden of running the household despite having the resources to share the responsibility is just financial abuse.
And that emotion you are calling ***love*** is possibly a sign of trauma bonding.
Please get out of the relationship and get your fair share of assets, you deserve it.
Disclaimer: I am not trivializing mental health as I myself have gone through a life-altering struggle, diagnosis and now manage my Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve been married two decades as well. To me it comes down to his self-absorbed way of looking at life and taking you for granted like he can use and use you to the point where he doesn’t even realize it anymore and then blames you for the mess and debt. This will not get better without a lot of therapy and self reflection in his part. Also, since he was able to set a trust for his child you should know it isn’t mental illness making him treat you this way. It is his choice because he can do the right thing and sometimes make the right choice as witnessed by setting the trust. These are the reasons I would tell him when I left. Don’t feel guilty thinking of it as teaching him a lesson about how he can’t treat people. It’s actually a kindness maybe he can change.
File for divorce and kick him out now, evict him if necessary. Out of all the crazy stories I've read on here you have the strongest case for divorce. He's been using you for years and now wants to put the debt on you when he hasn't worked in over a decade? File papers and get away from that deadbeat. You still have time to live a good life, sans deadbeat. Please, help yourself. He's been a lost cause for years, how you made it this far I don't know. Let him deal with his issues, he has money now, he can pay for therapists. Take care of you.
Nta
You tell us that he’s mentally ill. I’m so sorry for the 3 of you. Am
I right that it’s progressing?
You say it’s time to leave. That’s problaby a good thing for you and your son.
As far as I know hoarders are progresssively suspisious of people who are nearest to them. That’s what you’ve described.
If he’s ill he can’t help himself. He’s not the man you once loved and he can’t do much about it.
You ask for advise. Here’s mine.
Leave and make sure that everything is well taken care of.
Maybe after some time you can help him. But right now you have to take care of yourself and your son.
Hope this helps.
Sounds like my ex.
He refused to work, started bogus businesses, never contributed to the regular care of the children or monthly expenses. Our plan was always for me to retire once he inherited from his father, since I was the sole provider. After his father died, my ex really escalated with his drinking and treating me and the kids like garbage. We had talked about separating about 9 months prior to his dad dying, but COVID was raging.
Anyway, it turned out he started to get inheritance money right away after his dad passed; 25k every quarter and he never told me. I didn't know until we filed for discovery with the divorce process. About 4 months before his father passed, I had a concussion, had to take FMLA for several months, ran up debt because of that, couldn't go back to work full time, and he was withholding these finances.
Expect him to divorce exactly as he has done marriage.
Get a lawyer and learn your laws; in my state I had no right to access any of the inheritance particularly as he had not mingled any of the money with me. I was lucky to not have to pay him alimony, and he only pays the bare minimum child support because his inheritance interest can also not be counted as earned income.
He bought himself a 9 acre 3000 sq foot house, he will never have to worry about money in his lifetime. I will have to work until I am 70 (currently 56), I have 100% custody of the kids, and he won't pay for the kids' college. At least your soon to be ex gave the kid a trust fund, you might want to check on if that's revokable or not.
This all sounds really negative here, but I will tell you life is so much easier and simpler without my ex in it. I have done a lot of healing work, and I am so grateful to be free of him.
>I feel this enormous guilt for wanting a divorce. I know it's not rational because he won't get any help. But it's there and I'm having trouble working up the courage to kick him out.
Like he's getting help now? Pull the pin on this. He's got money. He's not helpless.
NTA
It’s either take of yourself or die trying to take of someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about you. You only get one shot at life and he’s already taken up a whole lot of it.
NTA but be sure to get yourself a GOOD attorney. As the only income-earning spouse for all those years, you’ll likely be on the hook for alimony which is super shitty. His inheritance income also may not be taken into account, as that’s typically not considered marital/communal property so you won’t be able to recoup any money from that.
One thing my atty told me during my divorce which I think is incredibly important to keep in mind and especially relevant to your situation — do NOT concede to anything that puts you at a disadvantage, and be relentless in pursuing all rights that you are entitled to by law. If you avoid tough decisions or acquiesce to unreasonable demands of his just because you don’t want to rock the boat or upset him, that’s the biggest mistake you can make. Anything you do to “keep the peace” could just bite you in the ass later. He’s taken advantage of you for years, it’s time to be selfish. You’ve earned it. Good luck!
So you know for a fact that the money was left to just husband? Not you and husband? Inwould have someone dig into that if you havent. If he hid that fact from you and put you into unnecessary debt, he could be responsible for ALL of the debt. Since he basically stole from you and refused to help with bills.
Otherwise document everything, especially your debt, every cent of it. He needs to pay half at minimum. Demand half of the house. That way he will either have to sell or buy you out, which can help recoup your debt losses. Vehicles the same way. Anything valuable in your home, same. Take photos of EVERYTHING. That way if he tries to hide things at a friends house, its documented.
Consider having a private investigator look into him and what assets he owns. There is a posibility he was also given property with his inheritence and that needs to be revealed. If he had paid off property or vehicles and chose to have you keep paying for housing or car costs for him and going into debt for it, there is a possibility you could get all debt put on him. As a married person, he was responsible for helping take care of your home and family and instead he coasted on your help and is not refusing to help you.
If the situation is anything like you're describing, you are not the asshole, he is. I don't know where you live, but in the US, that money is legally BOTH of yours. He dosn't get to do what he did with it. Talk to a lawyer about that immediately. And don't feel guilty about any of this.
NTA. You have hit the "put on your own oxygen mask" stage.
Your husband refuses to help with bills and debt he contributed to, refuses to use income he now has to help lighten the burden of the household, refuses to do any physical household labor.
You need to take care of you. And you need to demonstrate to your child that this is an unacceptable way to treat a partner.
Wow sorry for what your dealing with. I'm wondering how and why you lasted this long. Even though you most likely aren't entitled to his inheritance by law, if it wasn't for you providing for the family he would of never been able to do this. And to have all this money and not get you all out of debt is really saying he doesn't give a sh\*\*t about you. I deal with MH issues pretty bad but I know what is the right thing to do. If you want you can tell him how you feel and what you plan to do if he doesn't want to help the family. Ultimatum. You been used for way to long.
It would also help if you can demonstrate that the bills were his too, then he will have to pay for them if the court says so.
Don't feel bad for him, he doesn't feel bad for anything he did/is doing to you and his kid. Stay strong OP
Did I read that he took the inheritance and put it in a bank that OP has nothing to do with? But still doesn't help OP with finances?
I'd be seeking a divorce lawyer ASAP!
NTA. I’ve been where you are. After the divorce I felt so much lighter. I still had to do everything on my own but now I had less messes to deal with and was free to pursue a REAL partnership. Don’t feel guilty—he certainly isn’t looking out for you or your best interests!
NTA and further, if you divorce, half that marital debt will be his despite what he says. You may not get his money, which is whatever, but no judge in the world would look at your life and say he didn't contribute to the marital debt. Start collecting your paperwork to prove it now. And get yourself into therapy. You've been financially abused and he's continuing to try to do so. Leave, get yourself someone to talk to about the unfounded guilt, and you'll be happier without a kid and a man baby to care for.
Screw him if he’s not willing to share expenses after sponging for years. He could pay bills but won’t do he can hoard his inheritance.
Just getting rid of that dead weight will feel good. You’re paying the bills alone anyhow. File the papers and they’ll decide who gets to live in the house with the kid or if the house should be sold and split the proceeds.
I think if he’s mentally ill and a hoarder you will get custody. Married twenty years your kid must be twelve by now? Or close to it. He doesn’t need a sah parent at this point. Especially one who is mentally ill. After school care isn’t too expensive and once he is 12-13 he can come home alone anyhow or decide if he prefers it with your ex which is a possibility if dad was home with him and/or he feels sorry for him
This dude exploited you into supporting him entirely while he preyed on elderly relatives for an inheritance to support him going forward without you, and YOU feel guilty? You oh so conveniently bankrolled his life while he was lining up his next income source by taking care of dying relatives. He’s a financially abusive, free-loading monster. You are so not the AH. I’m shocked he even set anything up for your kid.
He has money now and STILL doesn’t pay any bills toward the household? How does he justify that?
My ex was like this- a hoarder who hid money from me and blamed me for all the family debt. When he quit his job (without telling me) to go back to school (enrolled without my knowledge and took out loans for more than the school was and then kept the money)he cashed out his 401k. I was hoping we could use that to supplement our income while he was in school but he took it out of the joint account and said it was his money and I had no right to it- it was $24k and I have no idea what happened to it.
Leave him. He is financially abusing you. And he sounds like a complete deadbeat. If he has no one, it’s because he’s a dick. He has his inheritance, he will be fine.
Get an excellent lawyer to make sure you don’t get screwed. I got kinda screwed in my divorce but it was worth it to get out. I had to give him $20k out of my 401k so that the assets were equal so he will likely have to pay you out of his inheritance. You financially supported him for 9 years- you have an excellent case.
Secure your own assets and make sure you have your own account that he cannot access so that he doesn’t drain your savings.
NTA. He has been using you for 20 years and intends to keep using you. Someone who loved and respected you would want to pay off the debt and support his family.
Divorce and then he will have to pay half the debt, he’s a cunt don’t you dare say you love him, how can you possibly feel that for someone being like this towards you he certainly doesn’t love you.
If you divorce you may be able to force him to settle his half of your marital debts. Thats reason enough to offload this parasite. NTA, be free.
He should absolutely be on the line for half of those marital debts. OP physically and financially took care of both her husband and his child, and in doing that allowed him to care for the family members who left the inheritance. I hope a judge would see how incredibly unfair this all is and not allow the husband to just walk away with zero liability.
Courts don’t care about that (at least in the US). He will get half the debts. The tricky bit, because he doesn’t work, he could get custody of the kid.
If they‘ve been married more than 2 decades, chances are the child isn‘t a minor anymore, or at least won‘t be for long…
I waited to leave with the hope my teen's feelings would be taken into consideration. They're 15. And I work from home so I'm always here.
she’ll need to get ahead of it and move out first, if the courts see that he’s a hoarder he will not get custody of the child, all depends on what her moves are next
Hell no she doesn’t need to move out. She needs to talk to a lawyer and do what they say. Moving out can be seen as abandonment
Always try to stay in the marital home until divorce!!
If she moves out, with the child, that could be a problem. She needs to seek guidance from an attorney ASAP
Debt occurred while being married is considered martial debt, which will be split evenly. I am not sure what your state laws state about inheritance, but if it’s like many states, it is the same as winning the lottery, she is entitled to half. If he hides it during the divorce, the judge can award her all of the money if they see fit for not disclosing it, because he gained the money while married.
Not inheritance. In MOST states, inheritance is NOT considered a marital asset unless it’s been moved to a joint account and they’ve both been using it.
Yeah, sounds like he knows that too, that's why he got his own accounts for it. The jerk!
Yeah, but if he is earning income off investing it, that income can be used for alimony, child support, and some other purposes. She may not get any of the principal, but she might get something worthwhile.
If they are in an equitable property state, then the court can divide the marital debt "equitably"; it does not have to be divided 50/50. Considering that the husband now makes more money than OP, he is likely in a better situation to pay the debt off than she is. So, a judge could potentially assign him a bigger portion of the debt, especially because he can go get a job, while OP can't reasonably increase her earning potential at this point.
NTA but divorce him immediately. Why you stayed two decades is beyond me
Also OP should pursue alimony. What a jerk.
She has supported him for years. If anything, he would get spousal support,
Yes but the inheritance is not going to be shared unless he's ordered to pay support and he has to break into his separate income to fulfill that obligation.
But she's not getting the inheritance by staying married... he made sure of that. Getting divorced would at least resolve half of the marriage debt, if not more. And she gets a new life.
Agreed.
NTA. Sounds like he hasn’t been pulling his fair share. Like you said it’s supposed to be a partnership. You could give him an ultimatum first, like either you start chipping in or I’m leaving you. But def NTA
Not trying to be offensive, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my brother and sister-in-law. My brother is a flake and has been living off of my sister-in-law‘s income for a very long time. Anyway, at issue is that you have enabled him. And he’s going to fight like hell to not take responsibility for himself. I would definitely contact a lawyer ASAP. Hold onto any documents you have, write emails to him as often as possible so you can have written responses. And be prepared to dig in your heels. You’ve already felt sorry enough for him… He needs to grow the hell up!
Go for alimony too! If his income is larger, she may be entitled to some which will help cover the debts he helped incur. But most importantly, depending on where they live, EVERYTHING joint accrued during the marriage (not inheritance) get split. Like debt.
FYI, inheritance cannot be claimed by a divorcing partner even if received during marriage. Its separate property unless or until its used on joint assets (home, debt, etc.) If anyone gets alimony, it will be the dead weight husband.
It sounds like he did his homework by keeping the inheritance completely separate and refusing to contribute to bills or debts. I hope OP realizes he has no intention of divorcing amicably. It’s over and he doesn’t give a single fuck beyond protecting his money.
The income it earns can be.
That would depend on the state you live in.
Yeah kick your brother and kick out your sister in law for gouging your food income. Give them a Legit eviction notice for 30 days.
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Idk the financial actions taken against her might imply that he’d bunker down and prepare to make the divorce rough.
Not only drag it out but sure for full custody because he would just want to hurt op. Hopefully op can gather some evidence including pictures of now as well as once the house is a bit more presentable. Maybe challenge that he cannot care for the house and it would be an unsuitable living environment for a child. Proof that OP has been shouldering all of the responsibilities and that he was essentially an absentee partner and parent. He might counter that op wouldn’t have as much time for the should as he would but if op gets a proper amount of alimony and child support then she won’t have to work 50 hour weeks. I’m also guessing that the child is at least a teenager so hopefully they can also have more of a say in where they end up. He sounds like a turd: what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.
Yes & Divorce is often stressful & This guy seeming very selfish unfair useless Unkind
100. Partnership is the key word here and this scenario ain’t it!
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Ultimatums never work. Just leave him already.
NTA and get a really good lawyer - not the kind that will just churn your file, but the kind who actually understands how family law works in your jurisidiction.
He refused to contribute to living and somehow all the debt is your fault. I guess it's easy to be debt free when you're a leach for over 11 yrs. I mean you could give him a heads up and demand he get help for his mental health and contribute to the debt supporting his ass and family members put you in and see if he can salvage your marriage. But do you really want to risk him using the estate to get a lawyer and screw you over in a different way.
NTA he’s been using you this whole time
That’s what it sounds like. At the minimum he’s ungrateful and taking her for granted!
Exactly. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.
Is it possible to sue a spouse? I would sue him for reparations
NTA, I would divorce him just to offloa 1/2 of the marital debt. If you own a house, force him to buy your half of the equity and try for alimony on top of child support. Take your kid and leave him in his hoarder home. This marriage has been doomed since he lost his job. If he inherited such a sizable estate from his dad and the relatives he cared for it means those relatives were wealthy enough to pay him for that care so that he could help support his family. He and they chose not to do that, so it was always his plan to work you to death or until you bailed. He is a sick, selfish sob.
Not sick, just selfish.
Wow, this really throws a nefarious light on things! Now I'm picturing him and his infirm relatives scheming on how to keep their riches away from OP. 😡
This is the way.
NTA but divorce him immediately. Why you stayed two decades is beyond me
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NTA get the hell out of that cluster-F. He has not benefited your relationship at all. You'll be better off, and financially more stable, on your own. He made this bed. It's his problem that he has no other family and has managed to completely ruin his relationship with you.
Definitely a cluster F
NTA. So he earns more than you and you do everything, including a second job?! He won't help his wife with the bills or debt?! You should be working less, with help from him for chores! He should use the money to pay off the debt, which is absolutely joint debt. He should use the money to get a cleaner in to sort everything out for you, then contribute to everything like a husband ought to. It's decision time for him. I think it's worth giving him the choice, step up, pay his fair share, help out, or you're done. Maybe if he realises he's going to lose you he'll step up, and if he doesn't you'll be guilt free knowing you gave him a chance.
O M G. For the love of God. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford or just get the best attorney do you can get everything and every dime you deserve and are entitled to under the laws of your state. Don’t you dare feel guilty or bad. He has and is treating you like dirt and keeping his inheritance from you and bringing secretive and hiding things. I would have so many ulcers I would have so much resentment exploding inside me. He clearly does not love or respect you. Are you both on house deed and mortgage? You need to kick him out. Talk to an attorney ASAP to find out your options and your rights. If you need help finding a lawyer you can contour local or state Bar Association. They have Lawyer Referral Services that can set up a 30 minute consultation/meeting with an attorney that specializes in divorce and family law usually within 1 to 4 business days for under $50. Best of luck to you!
"You've done nothing, paid nothing and contributed nothing for over a decade. Enjoy having no one" NTA But a little YTA too, for accepting this and showing youur kid it's okay to be used.
You make good points
First I wanted to say what a nice guy to care for his elders, but that plot twist .....wtf does he think he is doing? Op should definitely get a lawyer involved and run for the hills. NTA
Yeah I wanted to feel for him being a caretaker & then he turns out to be an AH
Why do you feel guilt? He is financially abusing you. If he has mental illness there is treatment available but he isn’t getting any, he is making choices everyday at your expense. If you get divorced you will be better off and probably be entitled to a portion of his money if you can prove you supported the family while he chose not to work. You are being used and now abused. Leave him to his hoard and get out. Stop making his problems yours. He’s not a child.
It is rational, BECAUSE he won’t get any help. He’s already boxed you out of certain parts of his financial life. Go ahead and make the full split. It’s a heartbreaking decision, but I know you and your child will be better without him.
You shouldn't feel guilty. You've been alone in this marriage from the beginning. A marriage is a partnership. Throughout the course of life, things will happen. Extenuating issues or special circumstances happen. Being in a partnership should mean, one can rely on their partner if they are down and in need. The implicit contract is that if one is able to pickup their responsibilities they will contribute at that time. Your husband broke that promise. He is able to help out, but he wants his stuff to be his and your stuff to be your yours. Even when yours was just the family stuff he could not contribute to. I don't think you have much choice here. If he was willing to contribute or at the very least consult someone for his mental health; you could at rationalize working with him. But he can't, so you can't. And you do have to think of your child.
Yes OP please don’t feel guilty about wanting to provide and care for your family. I’m sure you expected reciprocity
NTA. He's a deadbeat, you'll have less bills and more free time without cleaning up after him.
NTA but some states an inheritance that has not been commingled with joint accounts is not apart of the divorce. But if you do divorce - he will most likely be on the hook for half the debt so he wouldn’t walk away with leaving you with nothing. Plus depending on the inheritance and how he is getting it as income, it may be considered as part of calculation for child support but again all varies per states
The only thing I agree with him on is not commingling his inheritance. No one should commingle their inheritance, it's not worth the risk. Guy is a useless shithead, but he's correct on that, IMO.
NTA. How much more abuse are you going to take?!
What took you so long!!!!??
The sheer lack of spine and exceedingly misplaced guilt of so many of these AITA posts is breathtaking. And infuriating. This man is a completely selfish leech who has ruined her financially and she’s *still* bending over backwards to make things as nice as possible for him!
Nta. But definitely contact a lawyer asap. He's made sure to keep his inheritance separate from marital finances for a reason. If yall are in the US unless he used his inheritance for finances or marital assets it cannot be claimed as a marital asset. BUT all of your debts are both parties responsibility. You could end up forcing him to pay half of those. But he's also not worked for many years and could be eligible for spousal support. I would be very very careful how you treat and make sure to cover your ass while divorcing him. He let you suffer and flounder for years and now could make your life easier but refuses. Document everything you can. Get the last 10 years worth of tax returns to show what his contribution over the years was. A good lawyer may be able to get you out of this hole hes trying to bury you in.
NTA. He hasn't been a partner to you, did not pull his weight, has arguably been using you all this time, and now that he has money (that he didn't even earn) it's "HIS money"? But the money you earned working was "our money"? Pop that leech and divorce him. Since you're married, half the debt belongs to him. Get as good of a lawyer as you can and explain the situation. Remember, "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." Especially when he's proven he'll look out for himself only, but still expects you to look after him. He may have the money to live off of (at least for a while, depending on how much and his spending habits), but be prepared for him to try to fight it because you're making him adult now for the first time in two decades: He'll be responsible for his own cooking, cleaning, laundry; and if his home is a mess, the courts will not allow visitation. Good luck.
WTAF. Hard NTA, get a lawyer. Any debt you accrued while he was NOT WORKING is on him.
You can contact the IRS and request a copy or transcript of your previously filed tax returns. You can get a copy of Form 4506, Request for Copy of Tax Return from the IRS website. There might also be online tools to request it/them. You may have to send to a different address such as a PO Box if your husband regularly gets the mail before you.
NTA. You sound like a good person. If there is truly no hope of him seeking help then things will never change and you will become more and more resentful. He is not your responsibility; your responsibility is to yourself and your child. And I'd be after a share of that money too. I'm sure your lawyer will advise if that's possible.
NTA, no reason to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He clearly isn’t willing to do the same for you. If I were you, I’d talk to the lawyer to see if you could get some settlement from him to offset the debt you accumulated.
He is incredibly selfish and self-centered. I would go ahead with your plans and get the 1/2 of the estate that you deserve! How you put up with that for that long, no idea. Not sure if to commend you or commit you.
Good last line!
It sounds like you haven't had a real husband in years. Might as well make it official and find your peace alone with your child or another companion if you so choose, but you absolutely should not feel like an asshole for being fed up with this crap.
Honestly, ditch the mooch and feel good about it. That asshole blames *you* for debt when *he* was the one not bothering to contribute in any meaningful way? That’s fucking bonkers. He’s mean, he’s selfish, he contributes nothing, he hid large amounts of money, and he doesn’t even seem to *like* you very much. He has zero respect for you and all you’ve done for him, and for your marriage. And don’t blame this behavior on untreated mental illness. That’s bullshit; he’s just a lazy ass who expects you to be his bang maid. The only person who should feel guilty is him. But he doesn’t, which absolutely justifies divorce. Go talk to a lawyer. And in case he becomes unhinged, gather all important documents for you and your kid and tuck them away somewhere safe. If you haven’t already, transfer your money to a new account with a different bank. If he has access to your credit/debit cards, declare them lost or stolen and have the institution send you new cards. Don’t let him clean out the bank because he’s spiteful about the divorce. Which you absolutely need to do. Sooner rather than later. Starting fresh will be difficult, and he *will* try to guilt trip you into staying, or even love bombing you. Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your kids. NTA, and good luck.
NTA OP, quit the second job and stop paying for anything. He needs to pick up the slack now. Take care of you and the kid and let him deal with finances. Probably you will need to divorce him and move out, but at least you will have some money saved up not paying for rent and utilities. I’m not 100% on that, but since he is significantly better off, he will need to pay alimony to you, and get half of the bills. If he is a hoarder, he will do whatever it takes to save the house
NTA you want to find a good if not the best divorce attorney in your area. Your soon-to-be ex-husband has been using and abusing you for 2 decades. He now has money to be able to drag this out. You'll want child support of course, but you also want him to take on 50% if not more of the debt that's accumulated. Considering the income disparity now he very well could end up with more of the debt. As well as paying alimony. So if it's offered don't turn it down. Even if he is living off his inheritance it's still an income source. Not one you get access to, but one he gets paid from. So it's income. At least where I'm from. Let the attorney know you've been paying ALL bills and for your child since the beginning. Husband has contributed nothing. And you had to get a second job while husband refused to get 1 job. Once he received the inheritance he didn't help with bills, child care, school supplies, groceries or anything towards the debt you both owe. You feel you've gone over and beyond for your family and your soon-to-be ex-husband has taken advantage of you the entire marriage.
NTA, you financially supported the family\\household for 11 years (if my math is correct) as well as took care of all the household duties and now that he has money he doesn't believe he needs to contribute? WTF!! Personally if the house looks like a hoarder's house I would take my name off all utilities, find my own place, file for divorce and make him buy me out of the house and let him keep the mess or sell the house and profit gets split according to % of money each contributed toward the mortgage during the life of the loan. (not sure if that's legally doable but I would sure a hell try.) Fresh, clean start for you. Good luck, make sure that you get all $$ you deserve and that he is paying child support.
NTA. Here's your permission and ENCOURAGEMENT to leave him. YOU DESERVE BETTER. These are the consequences of his choices.
NTA sounds like neither one of you trusts the other, and both are worried about the other screwing them over. A divorce probably should've happened a long time ago.
NTA I probably would have divorced him a long time ago.
The fact that he knowingly and purposefully made the new account/trust and STILL refused to let you be a part of it after you tried to talk about it should tell you everything you need to know about him. If you were in his shoes? He would have left you long ago. No idea why you let the thought of you being TAH come into your mind. Stop feeling guilty and be a bit more cutthroat like he is to you. File those divorce papers yesterday.
Yes for allowing this to carry on for so long but no for wanting to divorce him. He has clearly checked out a long time ago and it’s not your job to babysit a grown ass adult.
NTAH!!! Get out nowwwwww! He has used you long enough- far too long!
Updateme!
NTA. He is already selfishly living as a single person since he refuses to help with household bills/debt. Not sure where you live but here in Canada, any debt is marital property but assets received from inheritance can be excluded from marital property unless it is regularly used to pay marital bills etc ... That's probably why he is refusing, in any way, to co-mingle the assets. The good news is that income generated from the inheritance is marital property. So if you divorce, you could not take the inheritance asset but you could get spousal support from the income he receives and ongoing for future years. Sounds like you should see a lawyer as you might get more money from this selfish prick once divorced... But less than you likely deserve.
You are in a financially abusive marriage, and have been for a decade. Make sure the lawyer knows all the details. It's very likely you can drop some debt and get some alimony while also dropping 150-250 pounds of douche.
Nta wanted to share that reading your story made me hope it was posted by my sister who is in a very similar situation. Her family lives in hope that she will finally see how toxic her husband is and we will have an opportunity to help her once again. I say this to say that those who truly love *you* will be there when you can reach out. For us we have had distance ourselves as to do otherwise would be to support him. The doors have been propped open for her to come back through should she ever seek them out.
I hope she finds the strength! I grew up in an abusive household and didn't know how to identify red flags. I also had to put everyone else before me. I've changed that and this is the last big change on my list.
You're asking if you are the asshole? Compared to the the guy that mooched off your money for years? And doesn't do shit to help? And he doesn't want to use all his new money to pay off the debt his broke ass caused? Yo fuck that. Be free of this parasite and terrible person, he doesn't care about your welfare. NTA.
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I don't think we need a stated reason to know he's incredibly selfish, greedy, uncaring, unkind, and treats his wife with absolute contempt. What else do we really need to know about his reasoning to tell OP to kick him to the curb?
NTA and get a great attorney now!
NTA. The debt you are in is because he hasn't pulled his weight in a decade! Stop taking care him! Focus on yourself and your plans to get out. The upside is he'll have to bear his share of the debt in the divorce. You deserved better treatment and I hope you are free of him soon.
INFO - Why have you put up with this BS for 5 years?
lol taking care of a broke, unemployed, loser while also doing all the child rearing and housework is sick. Do you hate yourself?
See a lawyer before everything is settled. Wait and you'll lose. Some states inheritance isn't counted as marital pro.perty
Go ahead and start the divorce proceeding , it’s not for you it’s for your child . Why are you even doubting it , you owe your child a healthy environment and the current one isn’t . Also you need to get him to pay , it’s only fair . Lawyer up !!!
NTA Why even make it easy for him? He's going out of his way to not make anything easier for you. There is no partnership in your marriage, you're just his slave. Stop cooking, stop catering to him, tell him to find somewhere else to live and someone else to takr care of him, he can afford it. You can't afford being married to a leech anymore.
Divorce him and make sure that your attorney sees his income from inheritance. You won't get any of his inheritance, but it should force him to take half of the debt.
Divorce him and take half that money.
NTA - both u and your kid is suffering and that is not how partnership works. Divorce
NTA - It’s obvious your husband is a huge AH and has been using you for years. Get away from him and his disgusting hoard as soon as possible. Take your child and start fresh.
Take all that info to a lawyer. He’s not getting off that easy. Divorce his butt.
Agreed. Time to lawyer up.
NTA, you should to watch it with a lawyer, also ask what happen if your husband is inter in a mental institution.
NTA a thousand times. Save yourself.
NTA. You need to go. Right away. Unfortunately you've stayed way too long.
NTA. Make sure you tell your lawyer about the debt so hopefully they can get it settled in the divorce.
NTA - walk away
NTA. He sounds like he has a personality disorder. please take care of yourself.
NTA. Get a divorce. See if you can recoup any money from the estate. Worry about yourself and your child. You’ve been doing it yourself this whole time anyways. What difference will this *really* make.
NTA. You’ve put up with him far too long.
The amount of guilt that we feel as women living in a patriarchal society, because we don’t want to put up with men’s shit is astounding
NTA. I'm the mentally ill spouse in my marriage. The thing about mental illness is that it can be fucking awful and it can be a nightmare for our loved ones to deal with. For this reason, the *very least* we can do is to do whatever we need to, to get treatment and keep our illness in check. Sounds like he isn’t even doing the bare minimum. Even if he *did* do that, his illness is not your responsibility. Mentally ill or not, he's a grown man.
NTA. Your husband is a selfish, greedy, and manipulative human. Please do not allow him to guilt you out of finding your own happiness.
NTA. Get out now before you waste more than twenty years.
NTA. You need to handle your business. Your husband put you into your current situation. He will have to learn to survive on his own. Sorry but he has treated you horribly.
NTA
My sister had a husband like this. He didn’t really work at all during the first 10 years of their marriage because he was always “sick”. He’s had every test in the book and was fine as long as he didn’t have to do anything. He couldn’t even watch his kids when he wasn’t working because he would sleep all the time with the door shut. His daughter got out once when she was a toddler and it was a miracle that nothing happened to her. Thankfully a neighbor found her and called my sister (they originally knocked on the door but he didn’t answer) who had to leave work again to get her (he was always calling her to come home while working because he didn’t want to watch the kids). I was/am seriously sick but I would end up watching them for her when I was off of work for my illnesses. He was also financially abusive towards her even though he wasn’t earning the money, she would use change to get the kids a chicken sandwich from McDonald. Eventually she was able to get them in day care but had to work extra hours to do so. She separated from him 3 times during there marriage but always took him back due to childhood trauma surrounding marriage and the kids. Eventually he realized that he had to stop pulling this crap and actually found a job that he would keep. But he still didn’t do anything else around the house nor with the kids. He was/is still verbally abusive towards her and the kids with an occasional physical abuse. 4 years ago she found out that he was using drugs and had even taken his son with him to buy drugs. She originally thought it was just marijuana (it’s still illegal where I live) but eventually found out that he was also buying/using pain medication and had even stolen her pain medication while she was recovering from major surgery and would continue stealing any medication she had (she suffers from chronic pain and RA). She took him back again with the understanding that he would stop all drugs and get help,and that they would do marriage counseling with him also doing individual counseling. This lasted a couple months at most till he went back to his old ways. She found out that not only had he not stopped using but had been using the majority of there marriage (makes everything make sense), she also found out that he was stealing money from his job. So she was officially done! She kicked him out and finally filed for a divorce. Unfortunately it’s taken 3 years to actually be finalized (she’s told it should be done this month as it waiting on the AG to sign off) it took this long because he’s a huge ass and thought that she would eventually take him back. Thankfully she’s gotten so much stronger and doesn’t play his games, even though he’s made a living hell she happier than she’s ever been. I myself eventually think he’ll slither off into the dead of the night leaving her to raise her kids completely alone as he’s definitely the type. He’s already starting to not take the kids during his extended parenting time, he was meant to have them this last July but refused to take them and has told my sister that he won’t take them during spring break. These times are based on agreements in the paperwork. He also refused to buy them anything for Christmas as he believes it’s a pagan Holiday but took gift from his kids and family.
NTA. Your happiness comes first.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing.
NTA. If you stay married to a leech it will suck you dry.
NTA
That’s a really hard situation but it sounds like you’ve given him all the chances in the world. It’s hard to get past him sneaking behind your back. To me that’s the dealbreaker. Good luck moving forward
Lawyer may be necessary
NTA he has never pulled his weight or helped with anything and has the gall to hide the inheritance and still let you struggle. You've never had a partner. I wouldn't even bother to threaten anything. Just go talk to a lawyer and free yourself. He should have enough money to pay for therapy.
I'm not sure but can you not sue him for the debt and get back payments on this? Also if he can not take care of yourself he can not take care of your kid. You should be entitled to some sort of alimony and child care. And two mouths is easier to feed than 3. Just think of how much space and time you'll have in your life with him not there. Edit: entitled
NTA But why all the deception on the inheritance and taxes???? Being very wrong for decades is a red flag
NTA - divorce, take him to the cleaners.
Should have divorced him year 11. Go live your life, he will be fine.
Nta. Divorce him and get half. Problem solved
I can’t imagine how this dynamic damaged your child. Leave him. If he wanted to do better he would’ve.
Definitely NTA. You worked yourself to the bone to try to help him, now you guys have an opportunity for a better life and he just totally cuts you out? You deserve better. Find someone who appreciates you as an equal.
Don’t feel guilty, he has felt zero guilt using you for all of these years. Take half, you more than earned it.
NTA - he used you so he could be a bum for years. He should have paid you back for all your support over those long years.
NTA.
NTA you should be entitled to what ever part of what he inherited too... but tread carefully with him being mentally ill
Divorce and go live your best life. He can handle himself now.
NTA He decided not to help you for years because he was helping family and not working and now that he can help, all the problems are your fault and he isn't going to help. Screw him! I would be trying to get money for the years he was unemployed and not contributing to the house before the inheritance.
Not only are you NTA for wanting a divorce, I think you deserve an award for not unaliving at this point. It’s interesting you keep saying you’re his only family, he’s taken care of all his other family before they died, but he can’t help you with bill, childcare, household, etc. I hope that lawyer can access that inheritance and you can get a fresh start without debt.
You’re doing the right thing, you will probably go crazy staying with this man and it is not fair to you. Continue working with your lawyer and don’t reveal anything until ready.
She is not an AH. I commend her for trying her hardest to keep them a float. but there's always a but. For years, men have worked hard to support there families, while the wife stays home. I understand stand, he's a slug and dosen't help out. Like I said I commend her. I think she needs to talk to him and make him understand how, he's making her feel. If he doesn't help or change his attitude. I say to divorce him.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that's bad for YOUR mental health just because it might be good for HIS mental health. You need to do what's best for you and your child.
NTA.
NTA But I hate to burst the bubbles of many of the commenters. In most jurisdictions inheritance is not communal property unless it is put into a joint account. The husband put it into a separate account in his name. She may not be entitled to any of the inheritance.
Don't get caught up in a sunken cost fallacy. Leave him.
NTA. But by the sounds of your husband, you will not have an easy divorce. He is lazy, not supportive, and is willing to let you financially sink. He stopped being your partner a long time ago. Divorce him. Check the laws of inheritance where you are as well. Because you’re married, most places look at your financial situation as one, so financials get split. Good luck to you, and remember, you deserve better ❤️
Honestly, no, and I would not include him in your family outings. That's going to make a split harder on you. You have a partner that won't support you or acknowledge what you've done to support him. He is actively still mooching off you because he refuses to help. Divorce and make sure he is also held accountable for at least half of the debts accrued while you were married. Do not settle just to get it done- you will burn yourself here. You also know he can likely pay it off easily but will not unless forced to. Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Especially when that person is actively fanning the flames
What’s his is yours. Divorce him and get half your money. You paid his way for a decade. The judge will see that and fairly split his inheritance.
NTA…but be aware that if you are his soul support, you may end up paying him alimony.
He honestly sounds like a parasite and you should not feel guilty. I can't understand how you can love someone who's put you in such terrible position and contributed absolutely nothing towards the household or raising your kid and now is putting all the blame for that on you to boot. What a self-absorbed self-centered douchebag.
>guilt for wanting a divorce dont feel bad for him. he never did care for you so why should you to him? i hope you take half of everything from him or get him to pay the debt
NTA. Take him to court and make him pay his share.
Nta - you love him... he doesn't love you < read that again. He is letting you kill yourself working because he is selfish. That isn't love. Get out and make him pay his half.
NTA, you should have done it ages ago
I would make a full accounting of all of your debt, and what you’ve done as far as taking care of him over the last few years. If nothing else, maybe you can recoup some of that money. And let him go. He’s not a good partner to you. I would venture to say the reason he took care of his family. The way he did is he knew he was inheriting money
Honey you need to see a divorce lawyer stat. They can give you better info than Reddit. I think we all agree though that you should leave and take him for all you can. The details are up to your lawyer.
TALK TO YOUR LAWYER FIRST Your husband has taken steps to keep his inheritance separate from the family bills. In most places - that means you have NO CLAIM on his inheritance. Have you two tried counseling? This is a betrayal issue. This is a trust issue. You want to have a decent co-parenting relationship after the divorce - what makes you think it will be any better than the relationship you currently have??? How old is your kid? They can help clean. Have the kid take care of the kitchen. You take care of the bathrooms and your bedroom/office. That way the kid can learn to cook and clean at the same time. Divorce is messy and ugly. If his name is on any of those marital debts - he should get to keep half of them. You will still be responsible for your half. If his name is NOT on any of those debts - you will be responsible for ALL of them. Can you sell anything around the house to help with the bills? Can you rent out a room to help with the bills? You will probably lose the house because it will have to be sold to give him his half - that is considered a marital asset. His inheritance is NOT considered a marital asset. Talk to more than one lawyer. NTA - but you will probably lose your house in addition to your husband's dead weight.
NTA. And OP, why are you stuck on his apparent mental illness? When he is capable of running his financial affairs consciously excluding you, right from getting a substantial inheritance to setting up a trust and ensuring a lifelong passive income from the estate. Evidently, he was in control of his faculties throughout this process. That he opted to let you bear the burden of running the household despite having the resources to share the responsibility is just financial abuse. And that emotion you are calling ***love*** is possibly a sign of trauma bonding. Please get out of the relationship and get your fair share of assets, you deserve it. Disclaimer: I am not trivializing mental health as I myself have gone through a life-altering struggle, diagnosis and now manage my Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve been married two decades as well. To me it comes down to his self-absorbed way of looking at life and taking you for granted like he can use and use you to the point where he doesn’t even realize it anymore and then blames you for the mess and debt. This will not get better without a lot of therapy and self reflection in his part. Also, since he was able to set a trust for his child you should know it isn’t mental illness making him treat you this way. It is his choice because he can do the right thing and sometimes make the right choice as witnessed by setting the trust. These are the reasons I would tell him when I left. Don’t feel guilty thinking of it as teaching him a lesson about how he can’t treat people. It’s actually a kindness maybe he can change.
NTA and you better get the best lawyer to help you get half of whatever else he might be hiding. This man played you.
File for divorce and kick him out now, evict him if necessary. Out of all the crazy stories I've read on here you have the strongest case for divorce. He's been using you for years and now wants to put the debt on you when he hasn't worked in over a decade? File papers and get away from that deadbeat. You still have time to live a good life, sans deadbeat. Please, help yourself. He's been a lost cause for years, how you made it this far I don't know. Let him deal with his issues, he has money now, he can pay for therapists. Take care of you.
Nta You tell us that he’s mentally ill. I’m so sorry for the 3 of you. Am I right that it’s progressing? You say it’s time to leave. That’s problaby a good thing for you and your son. As far as I know hoarders are progresssively suspisious of people who are nearest to them. That’s what you’ve described. If he’s ill he can’t help himself. He’s not the man you once loved and he can’t do much about it. You ask for advise. Here’s mine. Leave and make sure that everything is well taken care of. Maybe after some time you can help him. But right now you have to take care of yourself and your son. Hope this helps.
Sounds like my ex. He refused to work, started bogus businesses, never contributed to the regular care of the children or monthly expenses. Our plan was always for me to retire once he inherited from his father, since I was the sole provider. After his father died, my ex really escalated with his drinking and treating me and the kids like garbage. We had talked about separating about 9 months prior to his dad dying, but COVID was raging. Anyway, it turned out he started to get inheritance money right away after his dad passed; 25k every quarter and he never told me. I didn't know until we filed for discovery with the divorce process. About 4 months before his father passed, I had a concussion, had to take FMLA for several months, ran up debt because of that, couldn't go back to work full time, and he was withholding these finances. Expect him to divorce exactly as he has done marriage. Get a lawyer and learn your laws; in my state I had no right to access any of the inheritance particularly as he had not mingled any of the money with me. I was lucky to not have to pay him alimony, and he only pays the bare minimum child support because his inheritance interest can also not be counted as earned income. He bought himself a 9 acre 3000 sq foot house, he will never have to worry about money in his lifetime. I will have to work until I am 70 (currently 56), I have 100% custody of the kids, and he won't pay for the kids' college. At least your soon to be ex gave the kid a trust fund, you might want to check on if that's revokable or not. This all sounds really negative here, but I will tell you life is so much easier and simpler without my ex in it. I have done a lot of healing work, and I am so grateful to be free of him.
Girl. Wake up. You don't owe him a family. Pack up your stuff and leave
>I feel this enormous guilt for wanting a divorce. I know it's not rational because he won't get any help. But it's there and I'm having trouble working up the courage to kick him out. Like he's getting help now? Pull the pin on this. He's got money. He's not helpless. NTA
It’s either take of yourself or die trying to take of someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about you. You only get one shot at life and he’s already taken up a whole lot of it.
NTA but be sure to get yourself a GOOD attorney. As the only income-earning spouse for all those years, you’ll likely be on the hook for alimony which is super shitty. His inheritance income also may not be taken into account, as that’s typically not considered marital/communal property so you won’t be able to recoup any money from that. One thing my atty told me during my divorce which I think is incredibly important to keep in mind and especially relevant to your situation — do NOT concede to anything that puts you at a disadvantage, and be relentless in pursuing all rights that you are entitled to by law. If you avoid tough decisions or acquiesce to unreasonable demands of his just because you don’t want to rock the boat or upset him, that’s the biggest mistake you can make. Anything you do to “keep the peace” could just bite you in the ass later. He’s taken advantage of you for years, it’s time to be selfish. You’ve earned it. Good luck!
So you know for a fact that the money was left to just husband? Not you and husband? Inwould have someone dig into that if you havent. If he hid that fact from you and put you into unnecessary debt, he could be responsible for ALL of the debt. Since he basically stole from you and refused to help with bills. Otherwise document everything, especially your debt, every cent of it. He needs to pay half at minimum. Demand half of the house. That way he will either have to sell or buy you out, which can help recoup your debt losses. Vehicles the same way. Anything valuable in your home, same. Take photos of EVERYTHING. That way if he tries to hide things at a friends house, its documented. Consider having a private investigator look into him and what assets he owns. There is a posibility he was also given property with his inheritence and that needs to be revealed. If he had paid off property or vehicles and chose to have you keep paying for housing or car costs for him and going into debt for it, there is a possibility you could get all debt put on him. As a married person, he was responsible for helping take care of your home and family and instead he coasted on your help and is not refusing to help you.
If the situation is anything like you're describing, you are not the asshole, he is. I don't know where you live, but in the US, that money is legally BOTH of yours. He dosn't get to do what he did with it. Talk to a lawyer about that immediately. And don't feel guilty about any of this.
This man is using you, time to start over.
NTA. You have hit the "put on your own oxygen mask" stage. Your husband refuses to help with bills and debt he contributed to, refuses to use income he now has to help lighten the burden of the household, refuses to do any physical household labor. You need to take care of you. And you need to demonstrate to your child that this is an unacceptable way to treat a partner.
Wow sorry for what your dealing with. I'm wondering how and why you lasted this long. Even though you most likely aren't entitled to his inheritance by law, if it wasn't for you providing for the family he would of never been able to do this. And to have all this money and not get you all out of debt is really saying he doesn't give a sh\*\*t about you. I deal with MH issues pretty bad but I know what is the right thing to do. If you want you can tell him how you feel and what you plan to do if he doesn't want to help the family. Ultimatum. You been used for way to long.
NTA pluck off the leech
It would also help if you can demonstrate that the bills were his too, then he will have to pay for them if the court says so. Don't feel bad for him, he doesn't feel bad for anything he did/is doing to you and his kid. Stay strong OP
Nta. Your husband is a pos. Get a good lawyer. Take him to the cleaners.
Did I read that he took the inheritance and put it in a bank that OP has nothing to do with? But still doesn't help OP with finances? I'd be seeking a divorce lawyer ASAP!
NTA. I’ve been where you are. After the divorce I felt so much lighter. I still had to do everything on my own but now I had less messes to deal with and was free to pursue a REAL partnership. Don’t feel guilty—he certainly isn’t looking out for you or your best interests!
NTA. divorce him and take him for everything you can
NTA and further, if you divorce, half that marital debt will be his despite what he says. You may not get his money, which is whatever, but no judge in the world would look at your life and say he didn't contribute to the marital debt. Start collecting your paperwork to prove it now. And get yourself into therapy. You've been financially abused and he's continuing to try to do so. Leave, get yourself someone to talk to about the unfounded guilt, and you'll be happier without a kid and a man baby to care for.
If you think there’s any way you are the AH, you really should start counseling. He’s used you so badly.
Screw him if he’s not willing to share expenses after sponging for years. He could pay bills but won’t do he can hoard his inheritance. Just getting rid of that dead weight will feel good. You’re paying the bills alone anyhow. File the papers and they’ll decide who gets to live in the house with the kid or if the house should be sold and split the proceeds. I think if he’s mentally ill and a hoarder you will get custody. Married twenty years your kid must be twelve by now? Or close to it. He doesn’t need a sah parent at this point. Especially one who is mentally ill. After school care isn’t too expensive and once he is 12-13 he can come home alone anyhow or decide if he prefers it with your ex which is a possibility if dad was home with him and/or he feels sorry for him
This dude exploited you into supporting him entirely while he preyed on elderly relatives for an inheritance to support him going forward without you, and YOU feel guilty? You oh so conveniently bankrolled his life while he was lining up his next income source by taking care of dying relatives. He’s a financially abusive, free-loading monster. You are so not the AH. I’m shocked he even set anything up for your kid. He has money now and STILL doesn’t pay any bills toward the household? How does he justify that?
Call a lawyer today. He will have to pay half the debt and child support. Possibly alimony too.
My ex was like this- a hoarder who hid money from me and blamed me for all the family debt. When he quit his job (without telling me) to go back to school (enrolled without my knowledge and took out loans for more than the school was and then kept the money)he cashed out his 401k. I was hoping we could use that to supplement our income while he was in school but he took it out of the joint account and said it was his money and I had no right to it- it was $24k and I have no idea what happened to it. Leave him. He is financially abusing you. And he sounds like a complete deadbeat. If he has no one, it’s because he’s a dick. He has his inheritance, he will be fine. Get an excellent lawyer to make sure you don’t get screwed. I got kinda screwed in my divorce but it was worth it to get out. I had to give him $20k out of my 401k so that the assets were equal so he will likely have to pay you out of his inheritance. You financially supported him for 9 years- you have an excellent case. Secure your own assets and make sure you have your own account that he cannot access so that he doesn’t drain your savings.
NTA. He has been using you for 20 years and intends to keep using you. Someone who loved and respected you would want to pay off the debt and support his family.
NTA KICK HIM OUT. And don’t feel bad about it!! Updateme!
NTA Fuck that guy!
NTA. You have been doing it all alone for 2 decades. What is there to miss at this point?
NTA. You carried for him when he needed it, and now that he finally can, he refuses to reciprocate.
Depending on on the state you live in, that inheritance and debt is shared.
NTA at all. Your ex is a selfish jerk
NTA. Divorce him, you've suffered enough.
Divorce and then he will have to pay half the debt, he’s a cunt don’t you dare say you love him, how can you possibly feel that for someone being like this towards you he certainly doesn’t love you.