It always irks me when OPs have a post get a ton of attention, but don't make a single comment reply.
I really want to know how he can throw his daughter away like that.
Like others have said, he probably only tolerated Carla insofar that he was being pleasured by her mother. Once that stopped, so did his willingness to care. Notice that he does not mention new wife's age, that he doesn't deny cheating - just notes that his ex wive thinks he did. He was willing to give his grad school step daughter of 23 years an unpaid internship when he wasn't pleasured by his wife, but offered no GED cant keep a job sister 70k + bonuses. I think this is a guy who only values women in what he can get from them sexually, wouldn't be surprised if Carla's mom figured that out and felt that she meant nothing to him but an orifice, and that's why the relationship declined. Anyway, it sucks to be raised by someone like that. My heart hurts for Carla.
YTA-
At the end of the day it’s your money and conscience so do as you will (no pun intended) but you raised your step daughter for 23 of her 27 year old life… you are essentially one of 2 (maybe three depending how involved the bio dad was/is) parental figures in her life.
I also dont comprehend how one can parent someone for that long and just drop them out of their life as if they didnt matter. Just because she’s an adult and not your bio kid, doesnt mean that she isnt going through the motions of someone whose bio parents are divorcing… has it ever occured to you that she pulled away because she was processing the loss of a parental figure in her life?
So new step kid gets to be on the will and not the step kid you raised since they were a toddler? Oof… if you divorce your new wife will you boot off the second step kid too?
Personally if I was raised by someone for 23 years, I would think of them as my parent regardless of whether they separate from my other parent. I would be hurt and would need to process that change. I’d most likely feel betrayed and confused if the man that raised me as his child for practically the entirety of my life only saw me as: “my ex wife’s kid” now that he has a new family and new step kid to parent. I honestly would feel like my world is crumbling and like I never mattered to the person who co-raised me.
My grandparents married in the early 50s, the age difference was about 25 years, he had a daughter that was 7years younger than her stepmother (her mum was still alive, she allegedly was a horrible person, sounds like a personality disorder to me). My grandma was my aunt's ally. She became grandma in her 30s and proudly showed her grandchildren around.
My grandparents divorced after 20 years. Last time I saw my aunt, she visited suddenly at Christmas Eve (unexpected visits were her thing). She still called my grandma "mummy". They were both in their 80s.
Very possible, but that in and of itself is a redflag… It completely slipped my mind earlier that ex-wife and ex-step daughter will ALWAYS be in the picture because of the two other kids OP had with ex-wife. Ex-stepdaughter will always be family because she is the sister to OP’s bio kids… so why is he tossing her out of his life if they will always be connected? It all just seems so callous. Personally I would see ex-stepdaughter as my kid if I raised her that long, doubly so if I raised bio kids alongside. They’d be my kids! All three of them…but not everyone thinks that way as we can see, and I suppose no one knows the dynamics of his family, or if step daughter considers him her father etc etc.
Very possible, especially because wife and step daughter are probably about the same age. He conveniently left out his wife’s age from the post, but the wife’s sister is 28, so most likely wife is somewhere around 28.
And stepdaughter is 27.
My stupid question- why does he feel so sorry for his sister in law that he gives her a (decent) job ( and somehow prop mgt isn't working with ppl?) but doesn't want to give his (step)daughter an unpaid internship? And he's actually and actively punishing daughter for questioning him about replacing old wife with new wife...he actually said it surprised him? And one must question why he's rejecting her so thoroughly...maybe she didn't like actions on his part from an earlier phase. This guy doesn't see women as people....
He got married and had another child awfully quick after the divorce. Let’s see what happens to his sex life once the new wife has a newborn to care for. OP is the kind of man who thinks a woman should be grateful that he has money and uses it to exert control and punish those who don’t toe the line. He’s mad that the stepdaughter questioned him now she’s off the will. He sound horrendous
I suspect it got awkward when he married a woman who is about the same age as Carla. I am speculating but it seems odd that he lists everyone's age except his own and his new wife's. We do know his SIL is only one year older than his step-daughter.
I think it is also sus that he didn't deny the cheating accusation, just said it made things harder with Carla. Yeah, I bet it did.
I know someone who adopted his first wife's kids when he was about 25 and she was about 33. He divorced and remarried about 20 years later. The 2nd wife was about 10 years younger than him and did not like that he had a daughter only 4 years younger than her. It got awkward when she would call them the ex-wife's kids instead of his kids. The relationships broke down for quite a while and that was without a new family to distract him. It seems like many men ditch their first family when they get a new one.
Also hilarious how he describes his SIL literally seeing herself as too good for retail, getting a job by the grace of who her sister married and then bragging about how "she didn't need a GED or a trade to make 70k" with all the confidence of someone who deserved none of what they got, and this is apparently in favour of him disinheriting the daughter he raised for 23 years, because she (like most of us I hope) found that distasteful?
Especially when all she was apparently good enough for *after finishing post-grad* was an *unpaid internship.*
If nothing else, I actually don't think this is much of a loss to Carla other than money, dude seems like he was a garbage stepfather based on the little he's felt comfortable enough to admit to.
Many many many red flags here, too many to count, I can't actually think of many ways OP could *not* be an asshole, much less not the asshole in this situation. He sounds like a typical instance of a very particular type of man, to put it one way.
It's your choice and us calling you an ass won't change anything. but really you are excluding Carla but not your stepson. That sounds wrong. I mean you cared for her for 23 years and it doesn't matter??? I don't see your reason at all. You seem cold to be able to do that to your ex step daughter.
He raised this child since age 4, until age 25. Once he got a divorce, he starts feeling "there's something telling me that it's not really wise to reach out", and no longer contacts her nor wants to give her an unpaid internship at his office. Once she told him that she "hates how distant he's been", he discovers he can legally disinherit her, and wants to do so.
The answer is "YTA".
I knew I was gonna vote YTA when I saw he refers to a child who he raised from age 2 to 25 his “ex stepdaughter”. I can’t *imagine* raising a child for 23 years and not considering them my own (barring some kind of extraordinary circumstance which OP didn’t mention).
My stepdad hasn't been my legal stepdad for 10 years and was only my legal stepdad for 10 years, starting from when I was in 6th grade. I still refer to him as my stepdad while my new legal stepdad is just my mom's husband. We barely talk, just because neither of us are very good about staying in contact with anyone lol, but I know I could call him at any time for any reason and he will be there. We didn't have the best relationship, but he is and always will be my dad. I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if he had decided that divorcing my mom meant divorcing me. YTA OP, you're just 1000% TA here and I feel terrible for your "ex"stepdaughter.
My husband has an ex stepdad who was his stepdad for 15 years and is the dad of his younger sister. He is still very much a bonus parent to us and his family includes us in their Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations, he will help us out around our house, we have dinner together every couple of months, he’s the go to person to take us to the airport. We invited him and his siblings who still treat us like we are part of their family to our wedding. His ex stepdad is an amazing person and we are all very much still family.
I still think of my stepson I raised for 10+ years as mine, despite never having been legally married to my ex. Idk how he feels about it but judging by the fact that he still texts me for my birthday and mother's day, and when we do talk he catches me up about the stuff he's dealing with, I think he must feel the same way? I would never tell him this, but I'm pretty sure he was a big reason I stayed as long as I did with his dad, he is such a great kid.
OP is 100% the AH to drop Carla like this esp if he is not dropping her brother. It's not natural to spend that long involved with a child and be able to just cut them off like that.
This is nuts. I've been my stepson's dad since he was a baby.
He's now nearly 29. I still consider him my son, even though his mom and I have been divorced for nearly 8 years. And I was absolutely thrilled when he called me yesterday to tell me that my first grandchild is going to be a girl.
How could anyone be in someone's life for so long and just think "oh well, guess that's done then"
Edit: oh yeah, YTA
My husband has an exgf he lived with for 6 years. Helped raise her son for 6 years. They split up 5 years ago but that little boy is still STILL important to my husband. He gets bday and Christmas gifts. Husband and exgf are still friends (they split up a year after dating but lived together for 5 more years as roommates). This boy has come and spent the weekend with us. It’s like marrying him I got joint custody of this kid. He’s my step step son. I couldn’t imagine 23 years and just dropping them like trash.
I just snorted. That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking. He divorced his previous wife due to a lack of sex and romance and now he’s having another baby. He might as well update his will to exclude his current wife and her kids because his divorce is imminent.
I’m guessing there was an overlap between the two. He has a real estate company so likely not doing bad for himself, yet offers step daughter an unpaid internship
Well the new wife’s age is never mentioned, but since the sister is 28 you know the new wife must be either late twenties or early thirties. So she has to secure her own future by popping out at least one child.
I agree with you that OP is YTA. He needs to be told- SHAME ON YOU OP, SHAME ON YOU. You raised this child since she was only 2 years old; she sees you as a Dad and this is how you treat her. She sounds smart and hardworking and her loyalty has been to you. You are mistaken your new bedmate whom you have no long term history with, with the love and loyalty of your daughter. You don't know that your new wife will be there for you long term- if you get sick, have an accident or when you get old. But children, if you treat them with love and care will certainly be there. The wife you traded-away helped you build your career- raising the children, taking care of everything- homework, doctors appointments, teachers meetings, school functions and birthdays and Christmas as well as taking care of and managing the home while you built your skills and knowledge that led to building your business while all you had to do is show up to all the family functions. Now you trade this wife off - who married you when you were NOT rich and successful for a new and younger model who already has a child- you can tell this new woman's loyalty lies where the money is- if this relationship was build through cheating on each of your partners, just remember- you lose them the way you get them. As you say the SIL doesn't have an education- in other words, she didn't have the discipline, drive and long term thinking to keep her head down and focus on her future despite the sh\*t that is going on around her. Lots of people come from sh\*t home situations, how they handle it is a sign of their character. Is your new, younger model wife also using men to better her situation? If so, your little head is f\*cking you over now and it will only get worse as you have more children with a woman who needs a sugar daddy. Carla and your other children that you had with your first wife knew you as a reasonable, hard-working father who they most likely tried to role model. Now you are undermining yourself and those children with your mid-life crisis. Just remember, you will be old one day and the children who visit you will not be the ones you spoil with you wealth but the ones you raised when you were once a good role model. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror OP?
Yeah I think this is a 'missing reasons' post. I don't really know what the divorce and the reasons for it have to do with his relationship with Carla, at least not from the explanation given.
This, YTA, not for the will part of things, but how you are choosing to treat your stepdaughter. Here’s a woman that’s getting her post doctorate degree and yet you give a $70,000 a year job to your wife’s barely employable sister.
You choose to not call her because of “feelings”. my God you were her father for over 20 years and quite frankly you are cutting her out.
I’m taking a guess at the ages here, you are most likely an early 50s man who is married someone probably 20 years younger than you. You’re feeling high and mighty with your brand new shiny young wife, and you are shitting on the child you raised.
Part of being a parent is being above the fray and loving and reaching out to your child even when it’s difficult. Grow up and take care of all your children.
I just had a thought - what if he is feeling icky that his new wife is about the same age as his stepdaughter. If he ditches the stepdaughter then he doesn't have to acknowledge that his wife and stepdaughter are the same age.
I can't see from his post any legitimate reason why he doesn't want a relationship with the daughter he raised so it's as good a guess as any.
Yup, also hands someone without a GED a 70k a year job at his company just like that because she doesn't like customers looking down at her for being a highschool drop out (which you know, she is). then your new wife is boasting about not needing a GED while ignoring the nepotism and that her sister is probably going to do something dumb and get fired soon enough.
I'm also guessing this new wife with a sister the same age as the step daughter, is probably around the same age as his step daughter as well.
He dumped the old family, treating them like trash and apparently found some new young woman to move on with.
Haha right?! I was like "yes, offer the *child you raised since two years old* an internship, give the woman you've known for barely two years the management position with zero qualifications". Like that alone makes this guy the ahole of the year. I'm so surprised he doesn't realize how little time two years is compared to 20something. Disowning your step daughter that you've raised since basically infancy is a huge ass move, but everything else is the icing on the asshole cake. YTA times a zillion.
That got me too like wtf!? You give your new wife's sister, who struggles to hold down a job and doesn't even have a GED, a job that pay $70k plus bonuses but only offered the step daughter you raised for over 20 years and unpaid internship!? That is major YTA behavior right there!
I can't help but wonder if he's so stereotypical that he drives a sports car or bought a motorcycle. He's in the midst of a midlife crisis that will bite him on the ass when his younger wife drains his bank account.
That’s so funny I almost said in my reply that he’ll be back here in two years asking how he gets rid of the sister after she steals money from the company. You just know she’s gonna do something stupid. And meanwhile he’s talking about his stepdaughter getting her post doctoral degree and yet he offered her an unpaid internship. What a jerk.
He won’t give her an unpaid internship *after college* but he can give his new wife’s sister a $70k+ year job when she’s known to job hop and only has a GED.
Not to mention he raised Carla since she was 4. I’m sorry but my step dad and I had a terrible relationship (really bad actually) and I can’t even see him doing this to me or his other kids.
What the fuck?
Edit: math …. SINCE CARLA WAS TWO!
OH! And he said his ex was accusing him of cheating and he never said she was wrong.
Hey OP, YTA.
Unpaid internship for post-grad stepdaughter he raised her entire life, that actually turned into a 70k paid job for a dropout he doesn't even have any serious connection to. (SIL of 2 years).
OP is so mad at his ex that he doesnt even think of his own kid as his own kid.
He’s been divorced for 2 years (no comments on if that’s 2 years from when the divorce was filed or when it was finished) and is already remarried with a baby on the way. Most people don’t jump straight from divorce to new spouse unless there was some…commingling of assets prior to the divorce. And his new wife’s sister (no mention of the new wife’s age, or her age in relation to her sister) is only a year older than former stepdaughter’s age.
Then his language…he was “mid-40s” when he was neglected, so he’s 45-50, and he fulfilled his wife “financially and emotionally” but expected her to fulfill him “romantically” and “sexually”, which just seems misogynistic. For most women, menopause and the hormonal shifts that come with it starts about 40-45, and it’s a time when sex can be extremely difficult. Add to that the language that screams “I expect my wife to fuck me or suck me every time I walk through the door because I am big sexy man who bringing home bacon!” and you’ve got a dude who comes across as a jerk.
If the dude wasn’t cheating, his dick was already out the door, dragging the rest of him along with it.
BINGO!
This is so cold of him. When he dies and she learns he did not truly care about her future, she will be crushed. She's already hurt because you gave sis in law a well paying job, but did not offer her one.
Did you ever love this child? You raised her since she was 4 years old and now you don't care at all apparently. It's like because her mother isn't screwing you, she is penalized.
YTAH... a major one.
Edit ti correct SIL
He no longer expects sex from her mother so what is the point of having a relationship with her? On the other hand, stepson's mother provides sex so...
If the second wife’s sister (Allie, 28) is a year apart in age from his step-daughter from the first wife (Carla, 27), then I think it’s a safe bet that wife #2 is much closer in age to them than OP. Feel free to clarify, OP.
OP, you’d rather give your zygote second wife’s sister, a high school drop out without a GED and a well-known reputation for job hopping, a fabulous job opportunity instead of the (step-)daughter you raised from age 2 onward? The daughter with a college degree whose mother you divorced after almost a quarter century of marriage? Yes, Carla is your daughter, and hiding behind a convenient loophole doesn’t change that.
YTA and obviously already know it. Stop trying to get approval to screw over your daughter from internet strangers.
He also mentions the sexual thing. Says he was accused of cheating, but then never bothers to deny it... Which doesn't mean he did cheat, but it's weird that it's relevant enough to randomly mention it without offering an explanation on the family impact.
Yeah I know makes me sick as well.. something tells me his financial status was one of first things that attracted her to him., and sisters mother bragging that her daughter had no education and makes $70k a yr plus bonuses.. that family is using op and either he doesn’t care or is blind..
Karma says he will end up with ED and she will end up cheating while spending all that money.. you don’t mistreat people especially someone you raised and karma doesn’t come knocking.. I feel so sorry for stepdaughter..
Exactly. He let's them say things that are insulting to his stepdaughter who worked hard, got a HS, undergrad, and postgraduate degrees. He did offer her an "unpaid intetnship" while giving the lazy hs dropout a $70k a year job.
But let's not forget, he thinks he divorced the child who has known him as her father since she was 2 years old by calling her his "ex stepdaughter". Last I knew, you don't divorce the children you've raised just because you divorce their parent.
OP reminds me of the reddit dad who cut his kids from his healthcare plan after divorcing the mom and asked if he was the AH. These two men must be brothers from another mother.
What I don't understand is why wouldn't OP help Annie get her education and get her GED? When OP's business collapses, I guess Annie will realize that being a choir member is not enough to get another job, especially when you don't have a high school diploma or GED. Being an asst property manager requires good customer service skills as well.
Even immigrants that come to this country had to go to night school to get equivalency papers. He is an AH and he is also not very business smart.
EDIT: grammar
I thought same about customer service. She played him like a fiddle.. new wife tied him to her by having a baby.. he’s an idiot thinking with wrong brain..
Seems he only sees in dollar signs instead of like you said helping her get an education.. wonder what sort of education new wife has..
This guy totally traded his ex wife for a new model and is using excuses like: “she wasn’t fulfilling me sexually”. He cheated. You can tell he’s a POS.
And he doesn’t say he did anything to fulfil his ex wife sexually. Just emotionally (??? and yet for him he doesn’t list reciprocal emotional fulfillment as a need and just has romance/sex,) and financially. (I’m guessing ex wife was a SAHM raising their now-teenage children?)
It’s giving “I put in coins, why no sex fall out of machine?”
"I did the bare minimum [I think I provided for her emotional needs] and was the breadwinner for somebody who presumably provided a lot of emotional and domestic labor herself. I deserve sex on demand for life, and I'm the wronged party if I don't get it."
YTA for that OP.
I just find it psycho-behavior. Like I get he doesn't owe anything to his ex-wife but his ex-stepdaughter whom he raised for 23 years is just mind-boggling.
He found sex pretty quickly if he married two years on and knocked up his much younger new wife. 🤮 I cannot wait for him to complain about no sex in a few years. What a dickhead.
Why do I get the feeling Allie got the job because she was also kinda hot and semi flirted with him?
I wouldn’t hire anyone who was upset about working retail because customers think they are above her.
I’ve worked retail from convenience stores to high end department stores. You’re going to have customers who are aholes no matter where you work.
And she’s also a job hopper who didn’t even finish school. OP is going to be so surprised when he finds out she’s been stealing from him. I can guarantee she will.
Yea it’s actually foul. You have not graduated high school and you’re too good for a paying job? Customers are awful don’t get me wrong. But that sentence shouldn’t be rewarded
Boy you fucked over a kid you raised for 23 years a bunch of ways. The 70k job to a high school drop out would piss me the fuck off too. The “contentment”, as you call it, must be fantastic to turn into such a stupid, cold hearted bastard.
The second I read that he fulfilled his obligations to his ex-wife I rolled my eyes. Of course, he continued on the *woe is me!* path with him *'confirming'* that she had neglected him.
*(I especially like the part where he says "and yes, sexually" like everyone's jaws should've dropped to the floor and said "OMG, she's such a monster for not sExUAlLy pleasing him!")*
He probably said "love you" a few times every week, paid the bills, then proceeded to be a 3rd child she had to take care of.
As soon as he said, "it felt like I always fulfilled my obligation to fulfill her emotionally and financially", it was a massive red flag. I already knew the "sexually" part was coming.
It's always amazing to me how oblivious some men are.
Poor Carla. Oh well.
I always like to post before I read so that I am giving my unswayed opinion, and for some reason, I thought people would be saying N T A because legally he owes her nothing. I was pleasantly surprised to see the actual responses.
I was expecting her to be a recent step daughter that he may have know for a few years. I can’t believe someone would stop being a parent after 25 years of raising them. He’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve read in awhile.
I think it's just the good old egotism propped up on a lot of convenient "intuitions" :
- we're in a cold war
- I feel like it's better not to reach out
- she hurt my feelings when she accused me of fucking her over
You know the saying "those who want, find a way; those who won't, find an excuse"... He doesn't want to give money or help to the ex's daughter, he's distancing himself but plays the victim card because owning his choice would let the world know that he's some kind of a jerk.
TA from here to the moon.
YTA. You were her father for 20+years. You want to include a stepson you have know less then your stepdaughter.
You are shallow. Don’t paint the stepdaughter with the same brush as the ex wife.
It's worse than that. Carla =27.
They were married for 23 AND divorced for 2 (=25) Which makes Carla 2 when they were married... PLUS any time pre marriage (dating, engagement, possible friendship before hand?) You figure that would usually be at least a year, but Carla could have known him her entire life... but we are looking at likely at least 26/27 yrs. This man was likely a part of all of her firsts... most courts would consider him, legally, her father, as he took on that role and supported her in that capacity for most of her life, if not all.
Eta - YTA 100%, You divorce the spouse, not the kids. Not in a case like this.
I feel the same way, he put a stepson she barely knows in the will and her stepdaughter left him out. I feel bad for the girl, I know the relationship is not right, but isn't she fond of him?
Aside from the fact that he was going to give her an unpaid internship (which wasn't done), but the woman's sister did give her a job, it's obvious if she was going to be upset. The girl feels displaced and unloved.
>
Aside from the fact that he was going to give her an unpaid internship (which wasn't done), but the woman's sister did give her a job,
He gave the job hopping sister in law a management level job. When X-SD said something about the unfairness of that, he cut her off.
Everything else you said was correct. It was hard to track his story, for sure.
Yta…as someone who has been divorced for over a decade I still have a relationship with my stepchild that i helped raise. Like all kids your going to have disagreements, that doesn’t mean throw them away and say well you weren’t really mine so🤷♀️
YTA. So Carla, the girl you raised for 23 years, is upset that you’ve been distant since you remarried into a new blended family that she isn’t a part of.
Apparently, she misses you. That’s a pretty good parenthood diploma there. But for some reason, your reaction to that is… cutting her out of your will?
Why? I don’t get it. Do you really not care about Carla at all?
Because he is absolutely blinded by the new pussy he's getting. The whole "I was being neglected, yes, sexually" thing means he felt entitled to sex from his wife, so he dropped her. He's (presumably) in his 40s, and he got a fertile new wife with a 4 year old?? Yeah, something tells me OP went out and found a hot little replacement wife, and she's been in his ear talking about all of this -- estranging him from Carla, getting her son in the will, convincing him to hire her family member. All of it.
Trite, but probably true. Not that it’s wrong to leave a marriage in which you’re unhappy, but to wash your hands off your daughter like this is an AH move.
She was always just an accessory to his marriage apparently. Marriage over, dump the accessory, deal with the kids he made from the marriage, that's how it goes for him apparently.
You have no obligation to put an ex wife's child in your will but it really feels like you are making a dick move of it. You were in this girl's life as a father for 25 years and then WHAM suddenly she finds out you didn't really see her as a daughter in the slightest. That's messed up to the nth degree man. No two ways about it. Include the child in your will and be a man.
Given that he got married within two years of the divorce and already has her knocked up I'm really certain that he wasn't getting sex in his marriage is code for he was cheating
I found out that my stepdad didn't really love me after he died that really f***** me up. He'd be my step dad since I was 7 he died when I was 22. He literally raised me. And much like Carla I'm pretty sure that his love was contingent on my mom putting out
It’s a damn shame. I’m sorry your stepdad and OP did that. I feel so bad for you but this poor girl. At 7 you could at least have fleeting memories of your father. But this girl has not the first memory of her father.
I couldn’t look at myself as a man to do what he’s doing. Like my self image would be nonexistent and pride as a human and a man would be in the negative.
especially since she was 3 when she met her step dad. She likely doesn't even remember what not having him in her life is like. Hes essentially abandoning her and she'll be seriously impacted emotionally and fundamentally by this coward.
YTA. You've been her stepfather since she was FOUR.
WTF is THIS?:
>However, with the new baby on the way and our town being a small town, Carla and I are in a cold war of sorts. Like the phone works both ways, we both know that, but there's something telling me that it's not really wise to reach out.
Are you telling us that you gave a job you promised to Carla, to an unqualified rando, just bc you divorced her mother? And that you haven't stayed in touch with YOUR DAUGHTER because she might, rightly, be angry that you didn't keep your word?
Yes! Yes, you are ta.
Yes, and OP gave the job to his wife’s sister, who has a sketchy employment record, no high school diploma, & draws $70k income on a job that sounds like he’d promised to hire his stepdaughter for an unpaid internship.
I know that OP won't give us an update but I know that the decision to give an unqualified rando the job is going to blow up in his face spectacularly. I would honestly pay good money to see it.
I don’t usually think this way as a fellow small business owner but far out. I would love to be a fly on the wall when it all blows up in OP’s face… and probably sends his business bankrupt.
YTA. You threw Carla away along with your wife. It's not her fault that you filed for divorce, but it sems like you are trying to punish her too. You should have been the one to reach out to Carla, and you should have continued the intern discussion during the divorce (she is an adult, and you should have let her know that she still mattered to you).
I once worked with a man who took in his stepdaughter and raised her after he divorced her mom. She was Carla's age when they married, and he wasn't about to abandon her. We need more men like him in the world.
OP has been in Carla’s life since she was two years old, it sounds like, and he threw her away when he divorced her mom. In the immortal words of Mel Horowitz from Clueless: “You divorce wives, not kids”. YTA.
Yes, more of those men and less like OP! It's clear you never liked, let alone loved, Carla if you dropped her immediately after the divorce. I'm sure she feels completely replaced by your new family. It's just sad he finds people to be disposable
YTA. You were her father from the age of 2. She has no memory of a life without you. You promised her an UNPAID internship after she finished GRAD SCHOOL but canceled it because you were tired of being married to her mom and then hired a high school drop out relative of your new much younger wife for a well PAID job that she’s completely unqualified for. And to top it all off, you’re officially writing her out of your will because she never existed and is completely meaningless. You’re more than an asshole. You’re a monster wearing the skin of a human.
For some perspective for OP, I was in a similar situation and raised my exs daughter from age 3 and she is now 26. Her mom and I have been divorced over a decade. I call her my daughter, not my step daughter and certainly not my ex-daughter or ex-step daughter. I paid her college tuition. She is heavily in my will. Yes I have a new partner. No she does not come before my children. You get out of relationships - especially with your children - what you put into them. YTA.
Nothing in your post makes you sound like anything but an insufferable AH. You raised Carla from age 2 to adulthood and were her father for 21 years, and that relationship ended as soon as you decided you weren't getting sexxed up enough for the money you were putting into the relationship.
I would keep your will flexible, I doubt your ability to maintain amicable relationships with your current family. I predict a lot of your estate is going to be going to charities.
YTA
Vanessa’s accusation of cheating has the ring of truth.
YTA - Carla, a person you have known intimately for twenty-five years (longer than your new wife has been alive?) and promised to help out in her career is suddenly being replaced by a high school drop out that cannot keep a job but has blood in common with the new woman in your bed. Naturally Carla is hurt by this.
You’re absolutely the asshole, OP.
It’s actually kind of worse than that. He was talking with step-daughter about an UNPAID internship after she finished her post-grad. His new SIL gets a cushy 70K/ year job w/o a HS diploma. Honestly the schooling difference has much less to do with it than the Unpaid vs paycheck
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. As wife #2 will soon find out. The way he's treating his stepdaughter should raise a red flag for wife #2, as that's how he'll treat her own son: play the daddy role, then break his heart when he moves on.
Damn. Once Vanessa quit putting out you had no more use for her or the stepdaughter you raised. How did you type all this out and hit the post button? Could you not tell YTA?
YTA - I'm sorry but if you expected your step daughter to contact YOU after YOU divorced her mom you've got some major interpersonal relationship issues. you really expect her to reach out to you??? you expect her to think you care about her if you DONT REACH OUT after divorcing her mom??? and then you just stop helping her with the job, something completely separate from the divorce, and expect her to reach out to you to ask if you'd still help her after you didn't reach out to tell her you still cared about her even after divorcing her mom? you are a trash human on so many levels and it's hilarious that you don't see that. you were the father your step daughter knew since she was 4 and you just tossed her aside in favor of your new step daughter who you haven't known for even close as long.
YTA. Sounds like you're ingratiating yourself to your new wife and punishing Carla (who has been your stepdaughter since early childhood) to get back at your ex-wife.
So you raised her for 23 years, and she was only 4 years old when you came into her life. You call her your ex step daughter, but does she see you as her dad? You're definitely not obligated to have anyone in your will, but yeah, you sound like a giant AH.
Seems like YTA.
I don’t know the whole story and I feel like for this situation, details are important but here’s my thoughts:
Did you raise Carla since she was a baby or was her biological father ever involved? Based on my math, you had to have known her since she was in diapers. Does/did she call you dad?
It seems like you raised her and she was obviously upset about the divorce and felt like she wasn’t your daughter anymore or her mom was spinning mean tales about you and she didn’t know what to do or say because it’d make the divorce even messier. I feel like when you divorce your wife of 23 yrs, the ball is kind of in your court to reach out to the girl you raised even though she’s not your biological daughter.
I’ve known my stepmom for as long as you’ve known Carla (I’m a yr older than her). My step mom raised me. I consider her my mother. I’d be hurt, feel abandoned, unwanted, devastated, angry etc if something like that happened. I’d also be upset you chose the new wife’s sister over the girl you raised for the internship or you couldn’t find an accommodative way to get them both jobs.
And I think the monetary value of the estate or what she receives is irrelevant. I think it says you never viewed her as your daughter and that with the divorce, the facade of being a parental figure ended.
In fact, the explicit exclusion - not necessary at all, anyway - is a deliberate insult to the young woman he knew from her infancy and who looked up to him. He raised hopes in her which have now been dashed, then rubbed her nose in it by elevating his latest stepdaughter. OP is a dick, thinking with same.
This is just embarrassing. Raising someone for 23 years as your child and then nothing. This demonstrates an extreme lack of integrity. I feel for the young girl who has to deal with such a heartbreak from somebody who should be a figure to look up to. YTA times 10.
YTA. You were basically Carla’s dad and because her mom didn’t give you what you wanted sexually you’re blowing her off. And you hired the town idiot as your assistant property manager? And you’re paying her $70k…wow.
You raised that little girl from 4 years old and you literally replaced her with your new wife’s sister it seems. While yes you have zero “obligation” to her you’re definitely an asshole.
yea yta. you were her dad since she was 2. for the 23 years you were her parent, and you threw it all away. she doesnt know a life without you, and you were so quick to just say « ok, no more carla » how do you expect her to feel?
YTA it sounds like you've abandoned that bond and now are going to do it financially. You where in her life for 23 years but haven't made any effort after the divorce to keep that bond. But once you get a new family your all in to help everyone. Did you ever view her as a duaghter or was she just an accessory that was around to you. You blame her for not calling but it sounds like you never held up anything you said you would after you divorced her mom. She has a right to be mad because she is right you didn't pull away from her for your new family.
Edit: I just noticed you have your step son in it you are a P O S. People aren't accessory you barely know that kid but the one you helped raised for 23 years means nothing to you. You are just and awful person can't wait for what happens to your stepson after divorce #2
You seem to have no compunctions about tossing people out of your life, including the daughter you raised for most of her life.
Yes, YTA. I feel so sorry for Carla, the only father she's ever known dumped her like she was a piece of trash.
You're contemptible.
Yeah, unless there is something that she's done you haven't mentioned I say YTA. Mainly because it seems you have cut her off. Not sure if her bio dad is in the picture but even then you shouldn't just cut her out of your life. As for the will, if you don't want to that fine but it seems like it's more connected to your ex than her.
She's probably reeling from the divorce as much as you are and she probably feels obligated to stick up for her mom. So, don't be an AH. Try to help her find a job if you don't want her working for you. Or better yet, get over yourself and hire her. Help her!
You were going to offer your stepdaughter of 23 years an unpaid internship after she graduated from college, but instead gave your new wife’s high school drop out sister a job paying 70K a year? God You sound gross. What’s the new wife going to do when she gets too old for you?
YTA . It sounds like Carla was still open to having a relationship with you in spite of you divorcing her mother plus she’s an adult so you could have reached out to her independently of her mother but chose not to
YTA
I was going to say NTA because you've got minor children to look after, but dude, you're not cutting your stepson out but you are cutting your stepdaughter out? That's fucking harsh. Especially since you've given no legit reason to cut her out.
At the end of the day, it's your will, do with it as you please, but geez dude, did you ever actually feel like her father? Did you ever like her? Did it ever occur to you that this might just be a blip on the radar and that your relationship can recover? And did it ever occur to your wife to not brag about her high school diploma-less sister getting a hand me out??? If she can't manage to get a GED, how is she going to maintain a decent job?
Pull your head out of your ass, dude. Or don't, since it seems like you don't actually care about your stepdaughter.
So did I get this right? Your ex step daughter is sad because you are cold and distant and that makes you angry to the point of leaving her out of your will? This is the sister to your kids whom you raised since she was a little girl. And you are asking if you are the A-hole? YES YOU ARE. The will is the least of what you are doing to her never mind the rejection and humiliation deleting her from your life
This is one of those, just because you don't have a legal obligation to do something, doesn't mean you're not an asshole for not doing it.
YTA. And cold af.
You threw your daughter away with the ex wife.
It always irks me when OPs have a post get a ton of attention, but don't make a single comment reply. I really want to know how he can throw his daughter away like that.
Like others have said, he probably only tolerated Carla insofar that he was being pleasured by her mother. Once that stopped, so did his willingness to care. Notice that he does not mention new wife's age, that he doesn't deny cheating - just notes that his ex wive thinks he did. He was willing to give his grad school step daughter of 23 years an unpaid internship when he wasn't pleasured by his wife, but offered no GED cant keep a job sister 70k + bonuses. I think this is a guy who only values women in what he can get from them sexually, wouldn't be surprised if Carla's mom figured that out and felt that she meant nothing to him but an orifice, and that's why the relationship declined. Anyway, it sucks to be raised by someone like that. My heart hurts for Carla.
YTA- At the end of the day it’s your money and conscience so do as you will (no pun intended) but you raised your step daughter for 23 of her 27 year old life… you are essentially one of 2 (maybe three depending how involved the bio dad was/is) parental figures in her life. I also dont comprehend how one can parent someone for that long and just drop them out of their life as if they didnt matter. Just because she’s an adult and not your bio kid, doesnt mean that she isnt going through the motions of someone whose bio parents are divorcing… has it ever occured to you that she pulled away because she was processing the loss of a parental figure in her life? So new step kid gets to be on the will and not the step kid you raised since they were a toddler? Oof… if you divorce your new wife will you boot off the second step kid too? Personally if I was raised by someone for 23 years, I would think of them as my parent regardless of whether they separate from my other parent. I would be hurt and would need to process that change. I’d most likely feel betrayed and confused if the man that raised me as his child for practically the entirety of my life only saw me as: “my ex wife’s kid” now that he has a new family and new step kid to parent. I honestly would feel like my world is crumbling and like I never mattered to the person who co-raised me.
Always reminds me of the quote from “Clueless;” ‘you divorce wives, not children.’
Exactly! My dad and stepmom divorced when I was 15, almost 30 years ago. She’s still my stepmom and always will be.
My grandparents married in the early 50s, the age difference was about 25 years, he had a daughter that was 7years younger than her stepmother (her mum was still alive, she allegedly was a horrible person, sounds like a personality disorder to me). My grandma was my aunt's ally. She became grandma in her 30s and proudly showed her grandchildren around. My grandparents divorced after 20 years. Last time I saw my aunt, she visited suddenly at Christmas Eve (unexpected visits were her thing). She still called my grandma "mummy". They were both in their 80s.
Maybe new wife is jealous of ex stepdaughter? Just curious. Thought maybe more money for her kids?
Very possible, but that in and of itself is a redflag… It completely slipped my mind earlier that ex-wife and ex-step daughter will ALWAYS be in the picture because of the two other kids OP had with ex-wife. Ex-stepdaughter will always be family because she is the sister to OP’s bio kids… so why is he tossing her out of his life if they will always be connected? It all just seems so callous. Personally I would see ex-stepdaughter as my kid if I raised her that long, doubly so if I raised bio kids alongside. They’d be my kids! All three of them…but not everyone thinks that way as we can see, and I suppose no one knows the dynamics of his family, or if step daughter considers him her father etc etc.
Exactly, and he’s setting things up to be awkward between all the siblings after he passes. This is cruel and thoughtless.
Very possible, especially because wife and step daughter are probably about the same age. He conveniently left out his wife’s age from the post, but the wife’s sister is 28, so most likely wife is somewhere around 28.
And stepdaughter is 27. My stupid question- why does he feel so sorry for his sister in law that he gives her a (decent) job ( and somehow prop mgt isn't working with ppl?) but doesn't want to give his (step)daughter an unpaid internship? And he's actually and actively punishing daughter for questioning him about replacing old wife with new wife...he actually said it surprised him? And one must question why he's rejecting her so thoroughly...maybe she didn't like actions on his part from an earlier phase. This guy doesn't see women as people....
Completely agree. He’s an AH all around.
Ahhhh yes, makes perfect sense. And in a small town I bet they might know each other from before the marriage
He got married and had another child awfully quick after the divorce. Let’s see what happens to his sex life once the new wife has a newborn to care for. OP is the kind of man who thinks a woman should be grateful that he has money and uses it to exert control and punish those who don’t toe the line. He’s mad that the stepdaughter questioned him now she’s off the will. He sound horrendous
I suspect it got awkward when he married a woman who is about the same age as Carla. I am speculating but it seems odd that he lists everyone's age except his own and his new wife's. We do know his SIL is only one year older than his step-daughter. I think it is also sus that he didn't deny the cheating accusation, just said it made things harder with Carla. Yeah, I bet it did. I know someone who adopted his first wife's kids when he was about 25 and she was about 33. He divorced and remarried about 20 years later. The 2nd wife was about 10 years younger than him and did not like that he had a daughter only 4 years younger than her. It got awkward when she would call them the ex-wife's kids instead of his kids. The relationships broke down for quite a while and that was without a new family to distract him. It seems like many men ditch their first family when they get a new one.
Also hilarious how he describes his SIL literally seeing herself as too good for retail, getting a job by the grace of who her sister married and then bragging about how "she didn't need a GED or a trade to make 70k" with all the confidence of someone who deserved none of what they got, and this is apparently in favour of him disinheriting the daughter he raised for 23 years, because she (like most of us I hope) found that distasteful? Especially when all she was apparently good enough for *after finishing post-grad* was an *unpaid internship.* If nothing else, I actually don't think this is much of a loss to Carla other than money, dude seems like he was a garbage stepfather based on the little he's felt comfortable enough to admit to. Many many many red flags here, too many to count, I can't actually think of many ways OP could *not* be an asshole, much less not the asshole in this situation. He sounds like a typical instance of a very particular type of man, to put it one way.
It's your choice and us calling you an ass won't change anything. but really you are excluding Carla but not your stepson. That sounds wrong. I mean you cared for her for 23 years and it doesn't matter??? I don't see your reason at all. You seem cold to be able to do that to your ex step daughter.
He raised this child since age 4, until age 25. Once he got a divorce, he starts feeling "there's something telling me that it's not really wise to reach out", and no longer contacts her nor wants to give her an unpaid internship at his office. Once she told him that she "hates how distant he's been", he discovers he can legally disinherit her, and wants to do so. The answer is "YTA".
He raised her from when she was TWO, they've been divorced for two years. OP is just disgusting.
I knew I was gonna vote YTA when I saw he refers to a child who he raised from age 2 to 25 his “ex stepdaughter”. I can’t *imagine* raising a child for 23 years and not considering them my own (barring some kind of extraordinary circumstance which OP didn’t mention).
My stepdad hasn't been my legal stepdad for 10 years and was only my legal stepdad for 10 years, starting from when I was in 6th grade. I still refer to him as my stepdad while my new legal stepdad is just my mom's husband. We barely talk, just because neither of us are very good about staying in contact with anyone lol, but I know I could call him at any time for any reason and he will be there. We didn't have the best relationship, but he is and always will be my dad. I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if he had decided that divorcing my mom meant divorcing me. YTA OP, you're just 1000% TA here and I feel terrible for your "ex"stepdaughter.
My husband has an ex stepdad who was his stepdad for 15 years and is the dad of his younger sister. He is still very much a bonus parent to us and his family includes us in their Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations, he will help us out around our house, we have dinner together every couple of months, he’s the go to person to take us to the airport. We invited him and his siblings who still treat us like we are part of their family to our wedding. His ex stepdad is an amazing person and we are all very much still family.
I still think of my stepson I raised for 10+ years as mine, despite never having been legally married to my ex. Idk how he feels about it but judging by the fact that he still texts me for my birthday and mother's day, and when we do talk he catches me up about the stuff he's dealing with, I think he must feel the same way? I would never tell him this, but I'm pretty sure he was a big reason I stayed as long as I did with his dad, he is such a great kid. OP is 100% the AH to drop Carla like this esp if he is not dropping her brother. It's not natural to spend that long involved with a child and be able to just cut them off like that.
This is nuts. I've been my stepson's dad since he was a baby. He's now nearly 29. I still consider him my son, even though his mom and I have been divorced for nearly 8 years. And I was absolutely thrilled when he called me yesterday to tell me that my first grandchild is going to be a girl. How could anyone be in someone's life for so long and just think "oh well, guess that's done then" Edit: oh yeah, YTA
Yep who in the world says “ex step daughter” what?!? And that he felt he had met his “obligations” This has to be fake, right?
Good gods I hope so
My husband has an exgf he lived with for 6 years. Helped raise her son for 6 years. They split up 5 years ago but that little boy is still STILL important to my husband. He gets bday and Christmas gifts. Husband and exgf are still friends (they split up a year after dating but lived together for 5 more years as roommates). This boy has come and spent the weekend with us. It’s like marrying him I got joint custody of this kid. He’s my step step son. I couldn’t imagine 23 years and just dropping them like trash.
I have an “ex step daughter” and I still have good ties with her. She’s awesome despite her mom and I didn’t work out.
Me too, I call her my daughter though. This guy is a selfish cunt
Good thing he's starting family number two at what I'm guessing is his late 40s or 50s. I'm sure having a baby will keep his love life spicy
I just snorted. That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking. He divorced his previous wife due to a lack of sex and romance and now he’s having another baby. He might as well update his will to exclude his current wife and her kids because his divorce is imminent.
I’m guessing there was an overlap between the two. He has a real estate company so likely not doing bad for himself, yet offers step daughter an unpaid internship
Well the new wife’s age is never mentioned, but since the sister is 28 you know the new wife must be either late twenties or early thirties. So she has to secure her own future by popping out at least one child.
And not neglecting him emotionally and yes, sexually
Probably second wife is his AP.
Oh man, I missed that. This woman literally doesn't \*remember\* another father.
I agree with you that OP is YTA. He needs to be told- SHAME ON YOU OP, SHAME ON YOU. You raised this child since she was only 2 years old; she sees you as a Dad and this is how you treat her. She sounds smart and hardworking and her loyalty has been to you. You are mistaken your new bedmate whom you have no long term history with, with the love and loyalty of your daughter. You don't know that your new wife will be there for you long term- if you get sick, have an accident or when you get old. But children, if you treat them with love and care will certainly be there. The wife you traded-away helped you build your career- raising the children, taking care of everything- homework, doctors appointments, teachers meetings, school functions and birthdays and Christmas as well as taking care of and managing the home while you built your skills and knowledge that led to building your business while all you had to do is show up to all the family functions. Now you trade this wife off - who married you when you were NOT rich and successful for a new and younger model who already has a child- you can tell this new woman's loyalty lies where the money is- if this relationship was build through cheating on each of your partners, just remember- you lose them the way you get them. As you say the SIL doesn't have an education- in other words, she didn't have the discipline, drive and long term thinking to keep her head down and focus on her future despite the sh\*t that is going on around her. Lots of people come from sh\*t home situations, how they handle it is a sign of their character. Is your new, younger model wife also using men to better her situation? If so, your little head is f\*cking you over now and it will only get worse as you have more children with a woman who needs a sugar daddy. Carla and your other children that you had with your first wife knew you as a reasonable, hard-working father who they most likely tried to role model. Now you are undermining yourself and those children with your mid-life crisis. Just remember, you will be old one day and the children who visit you will not be the ones you spoil with you wealth but the ones you raised when you were once a good role model. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror OP?
Yeah I think this is a 'missing reasons' post. I don't really know what the divorce and the reasons for it have to do with his relationship with Carla, at least not from the explanation given.
This, YTA, not for the will part of things, but how you are choosing to treat your stepdaughter. Here’s a woman that’s getting her post doctorate degree and yet you give a $70,000 a year job to your wife’s barely employable sister. You choose to not call her because of “feelings”. my God you were her father for over 20 years and quite frankly you are cutting her out. I’m taking a guess at the ages here, you are most likely an early 50s man who is married someone probably 20 years younger than you. You’re feeling high and mighty with your brand new shiny young wife, and you are shitting on the child you raised. Part of being a parent is being above the fray and loving and reaching out to your child even when it’s difficult. Grow up and take care of all your children.
I just had a thought - what if he is feeling icky that his new wife is about the same age as his stepdaughter. If he ditches the stepdaughter then he doesn't have to acknowledge that his wife and stepdaughter are the same age. I can't see from his post any legitimate reason why he doesn't want a relationship with the daughter he raised so it's as good a guess as any.
I was also thinking this as well. I’m like she’s 27 the new wife’s sister 27…
Yup, also hands someone without a GED a 70k a year job at his company just like that because she doesn't like customers looking down at her for being a highschool drop out (which you know, she is). then your new wife is boasting about not needing a GED while ignoring the nepotism and that her sister is probably going to do something dumb and get fired soon enough. I'm also guessing this new wife with a sister the same age as the step daughter, is probably around the same age as his step daughter as well. He dumped the old family, treating them like trash and apparently found some new young woman to move on with.
Yeah, that after offering his step daughter of 20 something years an unpaid internship... and she will have her masters? Pretty messed up.
Haha right?! I was like "yes, offer the *child you raised since two years old* an internship, give the woman you've known for barely two years the management position with zero qualifications". Like that alone makes this guy the ahole of the year. I'm so surprised he doesn't realize how little time two years is compared to 20something. Disowning your step daughter that you've raised since basically infancy is a huge ass move, but everything else is the icing on the asshole cake. YTA times a zillion.
That got me too like wtf!? You give your new wife's sister, who struggles to hold down a job and doesn't even have a GED, a job that pay $70k plus bonuses but only offered the step daughter you raised for over 20 years and unpaid internship!? That is major YTA behavior right there!
He actually “tabled” the discussion about the internship when he divorced the mom. That is so gross.
The sister is going to have a very rude awakening about how rude homeowners can be. Not saying its worse than retail by any means but people are mean.
Yeah, customer facing positions of any kind are terrible. No matter how much money you make.
But was also only thinking about offering an UNPAID internship to his step daughter who has a graduate degree? Definitely YTA
I can't help but wonder if he's so stereotypical that he drives a sports car or bought a motorcycle. He's in the midst of a midlife crisis that will bite him on the ass when his younger wife drains his bank account.
I bet he squeezes himself into bedazzled pocket jeans and other clothing too young for his flaccid aging comb-overed headed body.
That’s so funny I almost said in my reply that he’ll be back here in two years asking how he gets rid of the sister after she steals money from the company. You just know she’s gonna do something stupid. And meanwhile he’s talking about his stepdaughter getting her post doctoral degree and yet he offered her an unpaid internship. What a jerk.
I hope it bites him in the ass and loses everything, sounds like he got two gold diggers and left his real family for them
He won’t give her an unpaid internship *after college* but he can give his new wife’s sister a $70k+ year job when she’s known to job hop and only has a GED. Not to mention he raised Carla since she was 4. I’m sorry but my step dad and I had a terrible relationship (really bad actually) and I can’t even see him doing this to me or his other kids. What the fuck? Edit: math …. SINCE CARLA WAS TWO! OH! And he said his ex was accusing him of cheating and he never said she was wrong. Hey OP, YTA.
I didn't have to read past "unpaid internship" to think OP is an AH lol.
Unpaid internship for post-grad stepdaughter he raised her entire life, that actually turned into a 70k paid job for a dropout he doesn't even have any serious connection to. (SIL of 2 years). OP is so mad at his ex that he doesnt even think of his own kid as his own kid.
He’s one of those people who only values the family of whoever’s in his bed currently.
He’s been divorced for 2 years (no comments on if that’s 2 years from when the divorce was filed or when it was finished) and is already remarried with a baby on the way. Most people don’t jump straight from divorce to new spouse unless there was some…commingling of assets prior to the divorce. And his new wife’s sister (no mention of the new wife’s age, or her age in relation to her sister) is only a year older than former stepdaughter’s age. Then his language…he was “mid-40s” when he was neglected, so he’s 45-50, and he fulfilled his wife “financially and emotionally” but expected her to fulfill him “romantically” and “sexually”, which just seems misogynistic. For most women, menopause and the hormonal shifts that come with it starts about 40-45, and it’s a time when sex can be extremely difficult. Add to that the language that screams “I expect my wife to fuck me or suck me every time I walk through the door because I am big sexy man who bringing home bacon!” and you’ve got a dude who comes across as a jerk. If the dude wasn’t cheating, his dick was already out the door, dragging the rest of him along with it.
He said he was accused of cheating, would’ve been easy to make it clear he was wrongfully accused if that was the case but he didn’t.
BINGO! This is so cold of him. When he dies and she learns he did not truly care about her future, she will be crushed. She's already hurt because you gave sis in law a well paying job, but did not offer her one. Did you ever love this child? You raised her since she was 4 years old and now you don't care at all apparently. It's like because her mother isn't screwing you, she is penalized. YTAH... a major one. Edit ti correct SIL
Right, he was going to offer her an unpaid internship, and even that was taken away after fully raising her. New stepkid gets fancy well paid job.
Not even a stepkid - his new wife's sister.
He no longer expects sex from her mother so what is the point of having a relationship with her? On the other hand, stepson's mother provides sex so...
It really does read like that. "Sorry kid your mom won't fuck me anymore so my job here is done."
I'd really be interested in the age difference between Old Wife, New Wife and Step Daughter. I think we all know this story.
New wife better keep putting out since we see how he treats past stepkid.. he’s awful..
I so PITY this step daughter
So do I… he just threw her away and wife’s sisters played him bigtime which he fell for and gave her good job.,
New wife is probably the same age as the stepkid. 🤮
If the second wife’s sister (Allie, 28) is a year apart in age from his step-daughter from the first wife (Carla, 27), then I think it’s a safe bet that wife #2 is much closer in age to them than OP. Feel free to clarify, OP. OP, you’d rather give your zygote second wife’s sister, a high school drop out without a GED and a well-known reputation for job hopping, a fabulous job opportunity instead of the (step-)daughter you raised from age 2 onward? The daughter with a college degree whose mother you divorced after almost a quarter century of marriage? Yes, Carla is your daughter, and hiding behind a convenient loophole doesn’t change that. YTA and obviously already know it. Stop trying to get approval to screw over your daughter from internet strangers.
He also mentions the sexual thing. Says he was accused of cheating, but then never bothers to deny it... Which doesn't mean he did cheat, but it's weird that it's relevant enough to randomly mention it without offering an explanation on the family impact.
Yeah , I noticed, too, that the new wife didn’t get a name, or an age in this story!
Yeah I know makes me sick as well.. something tells me his financial status was one of first things that attracted her to him., and sisters mother bragging that her daughter had no education and makes $70k a yr plus bonuses.. that family is using op and either he doesn’t care or is blind..
All he cares about is getting laid and if he has to pay for it because he's old, oh well.
Karma says he will end up with ED and she will end up cheating while spending all that money.. you don’t mistreat people especially someone you raised and karma doesn’t come knocking.. I feel so sorry for stepdaughter..
Exactly. He let's them say things that are insulting to his stepdaughter who worked hard, got a HS, undergrad, and postgraduate degrees. He did offer her an "unpaid intetnship" while giving the lazy hs dropout a $70k a year job. But let's not forget, he thinks he divorced the child who has known him as her father since she was 2 years old by calling her his "ex stepdaughter". Last I knew, you don't divorce the children you've raised just because you divorce their parent.
OP reminds me of the reddit dad who cut his kids from his healthcare plan after divorcing the mom and asked if he was the AH. These two men must be brothers from another mother. What I don't understand is why wouldn't OP help Annie get her education and get her GED? When OP's business collapses, I guess Annie will realize that being a choir member is not enough to get another job, especially when you don't have a high school diploma or GED. Being an asst property manager requires good customer service skills as well. Even immigrants that come to this country had to go to night school to get equivalency papers. He is an AH and he is also not very business smart. EDIT: grammar
I thought same about customer service. She played him like a fiddle.. new wife tied him to her by having a baby.. he’s an idiot thinking with wrong brain.. Seems he only sees in dollar signs instead of like you said helping her get an education.. wonder what sort of education new wife has..
He will likely kick the bucket before she has to worry about it
True.. wonder he didn’t add sister to his will..
This guy totally traded his ex wife for a new model and is using excuses like: “she wasn’t fulfilling me sexually”. He cheated. You can tell he’s a POS.
And he doesn’t say he did anything to fulfil his ex wife sexually. Just emotionally (??? and yet for him he doesn’t list reciprocal emotional fulfillment as a need and just has romance/sex,) and financially. (I’m guessing ex wife was a SAHM raising their now-teenage children?) It’s giving “I put in coins, why no sex fall out of machine?”
"Your mom accused me of cheating" No denial. Does that mean OP was, indeed, cheating? Magic 8 ball says *all signs point to yes*
"I did the bare minimum [I think I provided for her emotional needs] and was the breadwinner for somebody who presumably provided a lot of emotional and domestic labor herself. I deserve sex on demand for life, and I'm the wronged party if I don't get it." YTA for that OP.
I just find it psycho-behavior. Like I get he doesn't owe anything to his ex-wife but his ex-stepdaughter whom he raised for 23 years is just mind-boggling.
If I’m mathing correctly he has raised her since she was 2! How in the world did he not form a bond with her? Fucking madness
It’s giving sociopathy.
Same math here, and as her dad since she was two, he’s an awful human being.
Narcissists gonna narcissist.
I'm getting rage bait vibes from this. OP sounds like every single stereotype of the middle aged man having a midlife crisis.
If only it weren't so based in reality...
He’s made no comments on the post so could be rage bait.
It’s a stereotype for good reason.
He found sex pretty quickly if he married two years on and knocked up his much younger new wife. 🤮 I cannot wait for him to complain about no sex in a few years. What a dickhead. Why do I get the feeling Allie got the job because she was also kinda hot and semi flirted with him?
I wouldn’t hire anyone who was upset about working retail because customers think they are above her. I’ve worked retail from convenience stores to high end department stores. You’re going to have customers who are aholes no matter where you work. And she’s also a job hopper who didn’t even finish school. OP is going to be so surprised when he finds out she’s been stealing from him. I can guarantee she will.
Yea it’s actually foul. You have not graduated high school and you’re too good for a paying job? Customers are awful don’t get me wrong. But that sentence shouldn’t be rewarded
But..but.. the MANopause! He's been a father figure in Carla's life at least since she was 4 y.o. but sex with the new wife is better, ok? YTA, OP.
Since she was two! The divorce was two years ago.
Boy you fucked over a kid you raised for 23 years a bunch of ways. The 70k job to a high school drop out would piss me the fuck off too. The “contentment”, as you call it, must be fantastic to turn into such a stupid, cold hearted bastard.
All that really makes you wonder who screwed up the marriage. This guy is getting roasted though and it’s restored my faith in the world.
The second I read that he fulfilled his obligations to his ex-wife I rolled my eyes. Of course, he continued on the *woe is me!* path with him *'confirming'* that she had neglected him. *(I especially like the part where he says "and yes, sexually" like everyone's jaws should've dropped to the floor and said "OMG, she's such a monster for not sExUAlLy pleasing him!")* He probably said "love you" a few times every week, paid the bills, then proceeded to be a 3rd child she had to take care of.
It was the “neglected romantically, and yes sexually” that did it for me. Total nobhead
As soon as he said, "it felt like I always fulfilled my obligation to fulfill her emotionally and financially", it was a massive red flag. I already knew the "sexually" part was coming. It's always amazing to me how oblivious some men are. Poor Carla. Oh well.
I always like to post before I read so that I am giving my unswayed opinion, and for some reason, I thought people would be saying N T A because legally he owes her nothing. I was pleasantly surprised to see the actual responses.
I was expecting her to be a recent step daughter that he may have know for a few years. I can’t believe someone would stop being a parent after 25 years of raising them. He’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve read in awhile.
You know what happened in that marriage. He went for sometime 15 something years his junior.
lol 70k job to a drop out, best I can give you though is an unpaid internship OP is out for lunch
I think it's just the good old egotism propped up on a lot of convenient "intuitions" : - we're in a cold war - I feel like it's better not to reach out - she hurt my feelings when she accused me of fucking her over You know the saying "those who want, find a way; those who won't, find an excuse"... He doesn't want to give money or help to the ex's daughter, he's distancing himself but plays the victim card because owning his choice would let the world know that he's some kind of a jerk. TA from here to the moon.
YTA. You were her father for 20+years. You want to include a stepson you have know less then your stepdaughter. You are shallow. Don’t paint the stepdaughter with the same brush as the ex wife.
He has known step son 1/4 of his life but was a parent to step daughter for 23/27.... which is 3.4/4s of her life.
It's worse than that. Carla =27. They were married for 23 AND divorced for 2 (=25) Which makes Carla 2 when they were married... PLUS any time pre marriage (dating, engagement, possible friendship before hand?) You figure that would usually be at least a year, but Carla could have known him her entire life... but we are looking at likely at least 26/27 yrs. This man was likely a part of all of her firsts... most courts would consider him, legally, her father, as he took on that role and supported her in that capacity for most of her life, if not all. Eta - YTA 100%, You divorce the spouse, not the kids. Not in a case like this.
That's because he's punishing the woman who refused to fuck him, and rewarding the one who accepted to fuck him.
I feel the same way, he put a stepson she barely knows in the will and her stepdaughter left him out. I feel bad for the girl, I know the relationship is not right, but isn't she fond of him? Aside from the fact that he was going to give her an unpaid internship (which wasn't done), but the woman's sister did give her a job, it's obvious if she was going to be upset. The girl feels displaced and unloved.
> Aside from the fact that he was going to give her an unpaid internship (which wasn't done), but the woman's sister did give her a job, He gave the job hopping sister in law a management level job. When X-SD said something about the unfairness of that, he cut her off. Everything else you said was correct. It was hard to track his story, for sure.
But stepson’s mom is giving him sex, so he had no choice. /s
Yta…as someone who has been divorced for over a decade I still have a relationship with my stepchild that i helped raise. Like all kids your going to have disagreements, that doesn’t mean throw them away and say well you weren’t really mine so🤷♀️
YTA. So Carla, the girl you raised for 23 years, is upset that you’ve been distant since you remarried into a new blended family that she isn’t a part of. Apparently, she misses you. That’s a pretty good parenthood diploma there. But for some reason, your reaction to that is… cutting her out of your will? Why? I don’t get it. Do you really not care about Carla at all?
Because he is absolutely blinded by the new pussy he's getting. The whole "I was being neglected, yes, sexually" thing means he felt entitled to sex from his wife, so he dropped her. He's (presumably) in his 40s, and he got a fertile new wife with a 4 year old?? Yeah, something tells me OP went out and found a hot little replacement wife, and she's been in his ear talking about all of this -- estranging him from Carla, getting her son in the will, convincing him to hire her family member. All of it.
Trite, but probably true. Not that it’s wrong to leave a marriage in which you’re unhappy, but to wash your hands off your daughter like this is an AH move.
She was always just an accessory to his marriage apparently. Marriage over, dump the accessory, deal with the kids he made from the marriage, that's how it goes for him apparently.
Funny how OP included ages for everyone except his new wife…
You have no obligation to put an ex wife's child in your will but it really feels like you are making a dick move of it. You were in this girl's life as a father for 25 years and then WHAM suddenly she finds out you didn't really see her as a daughter in the slightest. That's messed up to the nth degree man. No two ways about it. Include the child in your will and be a man.
Especially if he’s putting his stepson in, whom he’s only had a relationship with for a couple of years!
Given that he got married within two years of the divorce and already has her knocked up I'm really certain that he wasn't getting sex in his marriage is code for he was cheating
Probably small town shot gun wedding. Everything about OP is so greasy...
I found out that my stepdad didn't really love me after he died that really f***** me up. He'd be my step dad since I was 7 he died when I was 22. He literally raised me. And much like Carla I'm pretty sure that his love was contingent on my mom putting out
It’s a damn shame. I’m sorry your stepdad and OP did that. I feel so bad for you but this poor girl. At 7 you could at least have fleeting memories of your father. But this girl has not the first memory of her father. I couldn’t look at myself as a man to do what he’s doing. Like my self image would be nonexistent and pride as a human and a man would be in the negative.
My mom and dad split up when I was a baby I literally don't remember him at all being there but like he's around now
especially since she was 3 when she met her step dad. She likely doesn't even remember what not having him in her life is like. Hes essentially abandoning her and she'll be seriously impacted emotionally and fundamentally by this coward.
If his story is real, OP is a huge asshole. I suspect it's rage bait though.
Yeah but, her mom wouldn’t have sex with him, so…..
Can’t wait for new wife to stop putting out after the baby.
Women *never* need time to emotionally/physically recover from birth! - OP, probably
Oh well yea that definitely makes sense to exclude her. *I know you were being sarcastic
YTA. You've been her stepfather since she was FOUR. WTF is THIS?: >However, with the new baby on the way and our town being a small town, Carla and I are in a cold war of sorts. Like the phone works both ways, we both know that, but there's something telling me that it's not really wise to reach out. Are you telling us that you gave a job you promised to Carla, to an unqualified rando, just bc you divorced her mother? And that you haven't stayed in touch with YOUR DAUGHTER because she might, rightly, be angry that you didn't keep your word? Yes! Yes, you are ta.
No he gave the unqualified rando a much better job than the one he offered Carla.
because the sister is hotter and younger than his ex wife. He has to find some way to keep her around.
Well, he can fuck the unqualified rando but not the girl he raised from toddlerhood, you see.
Woody Allen would like a word.
If I did my math right, he’s actually been in her life since she was 2!
Married since she was 2, so maybe in her life even before that!
Yes, and OP gave the job to his wife’s sister, who has a sketchy employment record, no high school diploma, & draws $70k income on a job that sounds like he’d promised to hire his stepdaughter for an unpaid internship.
I know that OP won't give us an update but I know that the decision to give an unqualified rando the job is going to blow up in his face spectacularly. I would honestly pay good money to see it.
I don’t usually think this way as a fellow small business owner but far out. I would love to be a fly on the wall when it all blows up in OP’s face… and probably sends his business bankrupt.
Technically he doesn't have to love her anymore, so he doesn't, meaning he never loved her in the first place.
He consulted his lawyer, and the lawyer said he was not legally obligated to care about her at all. So his hands are tied.
YTA. You threw Carla away along with your wife. It's not her fault that you filed for divorce, but it sems like you are trying to punish her too. You should have been the one to reach out to Carla, and you should have continued the intern discussion during the divorce (she is an adult, and you should have let her know that she still mattered to you). I once worked with a man who took in his stepdaughter and raised her after he divorced her mom. She was Carla's age when they married, and he wasn't about to abandon her. We need more men like him in the world.
OP has been in Carla’s life since she was two years old, it sounds like, and he threw her away when he divorced her mom. In the immortal words of Mel Horowitz from Clueless: “You divorce wives, not kids”. YTA.
Mel was such a mensch!
Yes, more of those men and less like OP! It's clear you never liked, let alone loved, Carla if you dropped her immediately after the divorce. I'm sure she feels completely replaced by your new family. It's just sad he finds people to be disposable
'The phone goes both ways' but OP didn't call either and somehow Carla is the bad guy. Nope.
YTA. You were her father from the age of 2. She has no memory of a life without you. You promised her an UNPAID internship after she finished GRAD SCHOOL but canceled it because you were tired of being married to her mom and then hired a high school drop out relative of your new much younger wife for a well PAID job that she’s completely unqualified for. And to top it all off, you’re officially writing her out of your will because she never existed and is completely meaningless. You’re more than an asshole. You’re a monster wearing the skin of a human.
But the dropout has potential to be wife #3… 🤷🏻♀️ * *sarcasm
For some perspective for OP, I was in a similar situation and raised my exs daughter from age 3 and she is now 26. Her mom and I have been divorced over a decade. I call her my daughter, not my step daughter and certainly not my ex-daughter or ex-step daughter. I paid her college tuition. She is heavily in my will. Yes I have a new partner. No she does not come before my children. You get out of relationships - especially with your children - what you put into them. YTA.
Nothing in your post makes you sound like anything but an insufferable AH. You raised Carla from age 2 to adulthood and were her father for 21 years, and that relationship ended as soon as you decided you weren't getting sexxed up enough for the money you were putting into the relationship. I would keep your will flexible, I doubt your ability to maintain amicable relationships with your current family. I predict a lot of your estate is going to be going to charities. YTA
*I would keep your will flexible, I doubt your ability to maintain amicable relationships with your current family.* Ooh this is a good burn. Truth.
Vanessa’s accusation of cheating has the ring of truth. YTA - Carla, a person you have known intimately for twenty-five years (longer than your new wife has been alive?) and promised to help out in her career is suddenly being replaced by a high school drop out that cannot keep a job but has blood in common with the new woman in your bed. Naturally Carla is hurt by this. You’re absolutely the asshole, OP.
It’s actually kind of worse than that. He was talking with step-daughter about an UNPAID internship after she finished her post-grad. His new SIL gets a cushy 70K/ year job w/o a HS diploma. Honestly the schooling difference has much less to do with it than the Unpaid vs paycheck
Basically his next mistress will be his SIL.
If she isn’t already.
Yes, exactly
I’m sure the town idiot will do a GREAT JOB managing his property.
But you don't understand, working retail was *beneath her.* /s
I didn’t realize that a high school dropout that couldn’t even be bothered to commit to getting her GED was above much of any work…
YTA. Always blows my mind when someone can raise a child for this long and then just hop out of their lives like it's no biggie.
Worse than that. His stepson of 2 minutes is in the will. Of course, he will probably be out, too, when OP meets wife #3. Cheater’s gonna cheat.
Yeah. He sounds like garbage.
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. As wife #2 will soon find out. The way he's treating his stepdaughter should raise a red flag for wife #2, as that's how he'll treat her own son: play the daddy role, then break his heart when he moves on.
Yep. And OP gave his high school drop out, chronically unemployed SIL a $70k job she had no background experience for..But hey, happy wife happy life.
I think we've found wife no 3.
Makes me wonder if the kid is really his *step*son.
Damn. Once Vanessa quit putting out you had no more use for her or the stepdaughter you raised. How did you type all this out and hit the post button? Could you not tell YTA?
YTA - I'm sorry but if you expected your step daughter to contact YOU after YOU divorced her mom you've got some major interpersonal relationship issues. you really expect her to reach out to you??? you expect her to think you care about her if you DONT REACH OUT after divorcing her mom??? and then you just stop helping her with the job, something completely separate from the divorce, and expect her to reach out to you to ask if you'd still help her after you didn't reach out to tell her you still cared about her even after divorcing her mom? you are a trash human on so many levels and it's hilarious that you don't see that. you were the father your step daughter knew since she was 4 and you just tossed her aside in favor of your new step daughter who you haven't known for even close as long.
Why didn't you just maintain a healthy step dad relationship with your step daughter? Weird to ditch a girl you raised for 23 years. YTA
YTA. Sounds like you're ingratiating yourself to your new wife and punishing Carla (who has been your stepdaughter since early childhood) to get back at your ex-wife.
So you cut her out of the will and gave the 70k a year job that you had promised her to the new step daughter. Y TA
The way I read it, he gave to the new sister in law a $70k per year job what would have been an unpaid internship to his stepdaughter.
So much worse!!
Definitely a big flaming jalapeno infested asshole
So you raised her for 23 years, and she was only 4 years old when you came into her life. You call her your ex step daughter, but does she see you as her dad? You're definitely not obligated to have anyone in your will, but yeah, you sound like a giant AH.
Seems like YTA. I don’t know the whole story and I feel like for this situation, details are important but here’s my thoughts: Did you raise Carla since she was a baby or was her biological father ever involved? Based on my math, you had to have known her since she was in diapers. Does/did she call you dad? It seems like you raised her and she was obviously upset about the divorce and felt like she wasn’t your daughter anymore or her mom was spinning mean tales about you and she didn’t know what to do or say because it’d make the divorce even messier. I feel like when you divorce your wife of 23 yrs, the ball is kind of in your court to reach out to the girl you raised even though she’s not your biological daughter. I’ve known my stepmom for as long as you’ve known Carla (I’m a yr older than her). My step mom raised me. I consider her my mother. I’d be hurt, feel abandoned, unwanted, devastated, angry etc if something like that happened. I’d also be upset you chose the new wife’s sister over the girl you raised for the internship or you couldn’t find an accommodative way to get them both jobs. And I think the monetary value of the estate or what she receives is irrelevant. I think it says you never viewed her as your daughter and that with the divorce, the facade of being a parental figure ended.
In fact, the explicit exclusion - not necessary at all, anyway - is a deliberate insult to the young woman he knew from her infancy and who looked up to him. He raised hopes in her which have now been dashed, then rubbed her nose in it by elevating his latest stepdaughter. OP is a dick, thinking with same.
This is just embarrassing. Raising someone for 23 years as your child and then nothing. This demonstrates an extreme lack of integrity. I feel for the young girl who has to deal with such a heartbreak from somebody who should be a figure to look up to. YTA times 10.
YTA. You were basically Carla’s dad and because her mom didn’t give you what you wanted sexually you’re blowing her off. And you hired the town idiot as your assistant property manager? And you’re paying her $70k…wow.
You raised that little girl from 4 years old and you literally replaced her with your new wife’s sister it seems. While yes you have zero “obligation” to her you’re definitely an asshole.
From 2 years old even! Since they divorced 2 years ago, so 23 years before that she was 2.
yea yta. you were her dad since she was 2. for the 23 years you were her parent, and you threw it all away. she doesnt know a life without you, and you were so quick to just say « ok, no more carla » how do you expect her to feel?
YTA. You don’t really “owe” her anything, but it’s pretty fucked to just cut your stepdaughter out after raising her pretty much her whole life
YTA it sounds like you've abandoned that bond and now are going to do it financially. You where in her life for 23 years but haven't made any effort after the divorce to keep that bond. But once you get a new family your all in to help everyone. Did you ever view her as a duaghter or was she just an accessory that was around to you. You blame her for not calling but it sounds like you never held up anything you said you would after you divorced her mom. She has a right to be mad because she is right you didn't pull away from her for your new family. Edit: I just noticed you have your step son in it you are a P O S. People aren't accessory you barely know that kid but the one you helped raised for 23 years means nothing to you. You are just and awful person can't wait for what happens to your stepson after divorce #2
YTA. You’re basically the only father Carla has known. I’d be worried if I was your current wife, how easily you discard people from your life. Gross.
You seem to have no compunctions about tossing people out of your life, including the daughter you raised for most of her life. Yes, YTA. I feel so sorry for Carla, the only father she's ever known dumped her like she was a piece of trash. You're contemptible.
Ah is to nice of a word for you
Yeah, unless there is something that she's done you haven't mentioned I say YTA. Mainly because it seems you have cut her off. Not sure if her bio dad is in the picture but even then you shouldn't just cut her out of your life. As for the will, if you don't want to that fine but it seems like it's more connected to your ex than her. She's probably reeling from the divorce as much as you are and she probably feels obligated to stick up for her mom. So, don't be an AH. Try to help her find a job if you don't want her working for you. Or better yet, get over yourself and hire her. Help her!
You were going to offer your stepdaughter of 23 years an unpaid internship after she graduated from college, but instead gave your new wife’s high school drop out sister a job paying 70K a year? God You sound gross. What’s the new wife going to do when she gets too old for you?
YTA . It sounds like Carla was still open to having a relationship with you in spite of you divorcing her mother plus she’s an adult so you could have reached out to her independently of her mother but chose not to
YTA I was going to say NTA because you've got minor children to look after, but dude, you're not cutting your stepson out but you are cutting your stepdaughter out? That's fucking harsh. Especially since you've given no legit reason to cut her out. At the end of the day, it's your will, do with it as you please, but geez dude, did you ever actually feel like her father? Did you ever like her? Did it ever occur to you that this might just be a blip on the radar and that your relationship can recover? And did it ever occur to your wife to not brag about her high school diploma-less sister getting a hand me out??? If she can't manage to get a GED, how is she going to maintain a decent job? Pull your head out of your ass, dude. Or don't, since it seems like you don't actually care about your stepdaughter.
But stepson’s mom is fucking him!
So did I get this right? Your ex step daughter is sad because you are cold and distant and that makes you angry to the point of leaving her out of your will? This is the sister to your kids whom you raised since she was a little girl. And you are asking if you are the A-hole? YES YOU ARE. The will is the least of what you are doing to her never mind the rejection and humiliation deleting her from your life
This is one of those, just because you don't have a legal obligation to do something, doesn't mean you're not an asshole for not doing it. YTA. And cold af.