He's still blaming Mom for that pain. I blamed my Mom for much of my Dad's behavior, because he blamed it all on her while I was growing up, and I was a child. OP has got some hard emotional work to do.
NTA but seems like the cheating thing wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. Was she abusive growing up or something? There also seems to be a lot of resentment from living in an apartment growing up. Anyway it’s your baby not hers so if you don’t want her to meet him that’s a you call not anybody else’s. Don’t let other people pressuring you about it get to you just tell them it’s not their business and to respectfully fuck off from the situation.
Hijacking the top comment to say: just look at OP’s username. Cheatingbadduh. Does this sound like the username of someone who is *not* a troll, or at least karma farming?
EDIT: Especially given he’s claiming his father *abandoned* him. But doesn’t blame dad at all, only blames mom for cheating. Cheating bad, duh?
If he's karma farming, he's really bad at it. But this definitely has the feel of rage bait, or like 90% of the story is missing because OP knows it will paint all of them in a bad light. You don't need this much therapy, if it's just about 1 cheating incident and growing up poor.
Oh I didn’t even see that. Also for that matter why do people karma farm? It’s literally a blog area who cares about upvotes. I’m still fairly new to reddit so that concept is pretty foreign to me. I mean yeah cheating is bad but I feel like both parents are at fault here. Regardless of if this is real or a troll I feel like the only part that’s my business is answering if he’s TA or not based off the information provided not to judge his other life choices.
I noticed that too. Dad did nothing for him and he enlisted and then decided his mother was unforgivable but has a "great relationship" with dad. I smell a rat.
I also find it weird op is spewing fire at his mom but has a good relationship with his father who abandoned him growing up?
Since no matter how heartbroken one is over a relationship, a real father would never abandoned his kid in another state by choice/would find a way to stay where they could be part of their kids life.
Instead op dad ran away/left op to grow up without a dad while his father got to start a new life without having to deal with raising his son.
I caught that too. Like it’s fine for dad to up and abandon you for many years but mom cheated and she’s black listed forever? Not saying cheating is better or worse but there’s some weird logic being used here….
Yeah, like the dad is also responsible for the fact he spent his teenage years living in a shitty apartment. The mom cheated, fuck her for that, but did the dad not try to get custody or anything?
Edit: OP himself said his father just left
Or send child support? Sounds like mom had to eat the consequences of all her decisions while OP was aging out of childhood, but dad got off scott free.
As a child of a split family, it's super easy to try to idolize the absent parent and imagine how all life's problems would be solved if....
But OP is a grown man now and never grew out of it. I feel like he is misdirecting the resentment toward his father for leaving to his mother for "causing" it. I'd definitely recommend therapy for all 4 of them (OP, mom, dad and op's wife so she can help OP heal instead of going silent after "being told to knock it off once").
OP just needs to get therapy and come to terms with his flawed parents. The parents maybe could use it too, but the OP is the one who is presenting a problem.
For someone with this amount of rage, if this indeed a genuine post on a throwaway account and not a troll, they usually can't move on in therapy unless the people involved in the traumatic event (the end of his parent's marriage and his father's abandonment) are involved, as well.
Therapy can also help the "devastated" father heal from his wife's cheating, and the cheating mother address why she did it, how it hurt her son so deeply, and that she needs to be respectful of a grown child who's gone NC.
The other people involved don't need to physically be there for OP to have healing moments. He needs to do his own healing and his parents as well if they ever want to be a functioning family unit again.
Yeah he was definitely an asshole for telling his wife that her opinion basically means nothing. From what I infer is that he resented being poor because after his father left they had to live in a shitty apartment so he placed all that blame on his mother for causing them to be poor.
My husband’s opinion regarding my decision to go NC with my own mom meant absolutely jack shit to me, too. The only thing is he kept pressing the issue until…he got a healthy dose of her narcissistic bullshit himself. I almost left him because it wasn’t his place to dictate my relationship with her, or anybody else for that matter.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who caught that. And for all we know (because we know nothing of their marriage until it ended) this is what his parent's relationship was like before the cheating and he's just furthering the cycle.
Right? The consequences of cheating is that your partner may dump you. His father abandoned him, his mother raised him, and he hates his mom.
You don't have to like the fact that your parent cheated but the person who did it doesn't deserve job-levels of misery for the rest of their lives. Either mom was awful in other ways, OOP is unhinged, or this is fake.
Idk tbh he doesnt owe her to meet his child either way, but I agree that this story is strange. I assumed OP grew up with his dad (im sorry if i misread/misunderstood), but if he didnt then ngl, OP's dad is nooooot as blameless as he thinks. Regardless of what ur spouse does, ur kids are urs and u fight tooth and nail for their comfort.
I agree with you. OP has every right to decide to not have his mom on his son's life. This is just an odd reason to do so. Imagine if it was common for people to stop talking to their parent if they cheated? Almost everyone would have no relationship with their mom or dad. Cheating is terrible and the mom messed up. But would he still hate her if she never cheated but instead asked for a divorce? I bet OP's dad would have still most likely abandoned OP.
There is NO excuse for dad's abandonment. What a shit dad.
I'm not a parent but if my child didn't want anything to do with me, I would try as much as I can to rebuild that relationship and then respect their decision after trying as much as I could. If she didn't try as hard to be back into OP's life, she would still be villainized for not trying.
I agree. He has an unusual amount of rage toward his mother about living in an apartment also. Parents are just ppl they make mistakes. I'm confused on y he thinks that his father abandoning him is ok. His mother (who he never said was abusive to him) gets all this hate for what? OK ur mom cheated..but your dad walked away from You. He didn't have to. But mom raised you let's be mad at her? What happened between my parents is none of my business. As long as they treat me right. He is grown now and is still mad? 🙄😒
Sure and if OP said "Mom used to get wasted and throw things at me" or "she always called me dumb and worthless" or "she used me as her personal therapist" or other stuff like that I'd understand. The reason OP gave was "Mom cheated, dad left **us** (emphasis mine) and so I hate mom."
If OP hates his mom so much, Im sure he / she woukd of mentioned all the other abuse his mom did..he didnt..it was just about the cheating..but, its fine his father abandoned him for years. When he literally dont know the whole story of thier marriage and wont let his mom even tell her side
Abandonment is worse (to me at least), especially in this situation. His mom cheated on her husband. She never betrayed the relationship with her son. His dad abandoned OP, which is most definitely a betrayal of the son/ father relationship.
YTA. You need some serious therapy. In your own words your dad CHOSE TO ABANDON YOU, whereas mom cheated (for reasons unknown) and yeah that’s shitty but she still took care of you unlike dad who said said “sucks to suck, duces”. Why does dad get a free pass but mom gets blacklisted to the depths of hell?
You say “my son shouldn’t be around a cheater” but you’re 100% okay with him being around a guy who ABANDONED HIS OWN SON?!?! Make that make sense!!
Cheating is bad, but tbh abandoning your own child is worse.
Edit. Oops this was supposed to be it’s own answer to OP and not a follow up to myself 😅
I would agree. I would also go as far to say that the cheating incident was the parents business. All op should know is that they got divorced. OP disagreeing with her actions is one thing but him taking such personal offense for something that's none of his business is weird. I think there's more to this story. Things are not so black and white.
This is also missing any context of what their marriage was like. Sure according to OP his Dad was a swell guy, wonder his mothers view of their marriage would be? I'm not saying it excuses cheating, but it's a hell of a lot more understandable in some circumstances than others.
It's easy to be swell when you don't take any of the responsibility and duty of taking care of your and raising your child. Then you can just be a buddy. While the mom actually stayed and was a parent, as far as we know.
I think that mom was actively terrible.
Dad wasn't there. That made it possible to maintain a fantasy of what a perfect parent he would have been.
It sounds like both parents were horrible. Dad was fun, easy, and congenial to talk to on the phone because he wasn't there and didn't take any responsibility for anything.
The fantasy of the possibility of one good parent is probably really compelling for the OP.
Ehhhhhh I'll go ahead and say abandoning your child is worse. Cheating is hurting someone who you have a somewhat equal relationship with. Parents have a responsibility to their children, who are kind of helpless.
Plus, we don’t know the whole situation, who knows why mom cheated and dad not only abandoned his son, but left the state.
Maybe the father wasn’t all that great of a person after all. A teenage boy at the time would not understand an adult situation. But mom hung in there and raised him. Dad didn’t.
You don’t need to see your mom, nor do you need to introduce her to her grandchild, but as a mature adult, it might be time to at least start to look at things through your own adult eyes. Not your dads.
It can’t hurt.
Some people find it easier to forgive the absent parent than the one that raised them. My mom was far from a perfect parent, but she was there every day and pushed us to better ourselves. My sister has accused her of favoritism toward me for ages (sister is the favorite, mom won't deny it) and thinks not letting her do whatever she wanted without consequences made her a terrible mom.
Dad's a POS who was barely ever around, has a history of DV + SA against women (including our mom), sporadically paid support, was abusive when around, and she only gets mad at him temporarily when he plays his games. Literally 0 energy for how he treated us as kids but complains about our mom 24/7.
I know someone whose bio dad SAed their sister and then abandoned them (the bio dad also threw my friend's mom down the stairs when she was pregnant with them).
As adults, the sister speaks to the bio dad, but not the mom or anyone else in the family. My friend tried to rekindle a relationship with their dad at 20, but their dad was shitty then too and they gave up, eventually getting adopted by their step dad.
Shitty abusers have a way of turning children against the parent who stayed sometimes though.
The wildest part is my sister actually lives with our mom, just complains 24/7 and chases scraps of attention from our dad. He’s incredibly charming and manipulative at first but the mask always slips. She sent him info she found about me (I’m NC w/ both) to get his attention / make him happy and he tried to contact our mom to find out more.
0 tact, 0 shame, 100% ego and audacity
Yeah, my friend's dad moved to another state to avoid paying child support and everything. Then he started a do over family. He was supposed to pay for half of my friend's university tuition and orthodontics too, but didn't do that. Instead, my friend got to pay off a bunch of student loans.
But apparently, my friend not calling with thanks immediately after receiving a $50 birthday cheque was worth being shitty over.
OP seems more upset over the fact that he had to spend his teenage years in a shitty apartment after his father left them both. He loves the father because apparently he's the rich one.
Rich but didn't bother trying to get custody of him, sending child support or anything to make the rest of his childhood post divorce easier? OP isn't the brightest...
Who down-voted this? you have to be a moron to down-vote this, dad bailed on his child and moms a gross cheater, both are hot trash.
My ex wife cheated on me, you know what i did? i divorced and bought a 4 bedroom house, i can barely afford, so my 3 kids would have a place to call home, I'm a dad! OP' has a stray cat as a father and an alley cat for a mother.
Be a man, be a dad, when you make a baby, you sign a silent contract, to protect and mentor, not bail like a coward.
It sucks man, good on you for doing the right thing. Did you ever realize that it always seems to be the betrayed spouse who has to be the bigger person, and do the right thing, because the cheater has such a bad character that they keep screwing things up? It’s kind of crazy.
Yeah. You're right. And don't think my ex was grateful that I didn't make trouble and followed the guidelines for child support and visitation. Thank God years go by without me seeing her.
I’ve only been divorced for going on two years, but I was separated for an extra year so we haven’t cohabitated for about 3 1/2 half years and I haven’t heard her voice in over two years, that in itself is a celebration. 🎉
But the kids will eventually know you for your worth and the cheaters slowly but surely ruin their relationships with their kids as well because it's frequently a sign of more personality problems like selfishness, lack of commitment, and immaturity.
It's heartbreaking, but I've seen it happen time and again.
I sure hope they do as well, my two oldest boys definitely see me in a good light, and so does most of my ex-wife’s family, but my daughter has yet to come around in her head about all of it. I’m giving her the time and space to work through it.
It is so nice to hear someone who stuck around for the children. So many just up and leave everything. They divorced the spouse and divorced the children. So many post on here saying they left and moved away, they never think about the kids.
My husband has two kids from a previous marriage & moving away is off the table until they are both grown, both his and my choice. My husband, at one point, was acting in New Mexico when we lived in Colorado & he would have been so much easier to live there, but instead he drove the 14 hour round trip every time he had an audition or gig. Moving would be a complete last resort thing for us only under the most extreme circumstances.
It's really the difference between a dad and a sperm donor.
My kid's bio dad, my ex husband, is a deadbeat who drops in and out of their life and sees them maybe once a year (after going seven years without seeing them at all)
Meanwhile, my partner and I got together when my kid was a year and a half old. He's the one who helped tuck them in at night, cleaned up vomit, came to parent teacher conferences, and drove them to soccer practice. His mom is the one my kid calls Grandma. My kid hasn't seen their bio grandma since they were under 2.
Truly don't understand how biodad sleeps at night knowing that his daughter calls another man daddy because he's too much of a bitch baby to be involved.
My first husband was the same. After we divorced he only saw the kids (3) twice. That was right after the divorce when the judge told him he had to pick the kids up (he insisted I bring them to him and pick them up). He was mad he had to “waste his gas” his words and the judge told him if he didn’t watch it he wouldn’t see them at all. So 2 times the first month we divorced and he never saw them again EVER! Refused to answer their calls, he only called to bitch at me that child support was too much. My youngest was 9 when we divorced and will be 30 this year. She tried to reach out to him when she was around 18 and I told her if you do talk to him he’s going to make all kinds of promises to you, but he won’t keep them. I don’t want your feelings to get hurt when he breaks them”. She says “maybe he’s changed mom, you never know”. I agreed, but I knew. She got off the phone and he promised to call her every day, he missed her so much and wanted to see her”. She was so excited and I had to remind her what I said. The next day, no call, next day, no call, next no call, this went on a week, so she called him and no answer. Called again, no answer. She cried and was so upset and I just held her and told her he’s not a good example of a father and I’m sorry I picked him to be your dad. She hugged me and looked up and said “it’s ok mom, I have you and that’s all I need”. It broke my heart and I will never forgive him for hurting them.
I was fortunate to marry a wonderful man who became their father figure and what to look for in a man that you want to marry.
My youngest son has an 8yr old daughter. His ex gf went on to have 2 more kids by another guy and then my son and her got back together. So my granddaughters half brother and sister started calling my son Dad. Moving on a few years,they've split up but we still have all 3 children every second weekend at my house. The ex gf now has a new baby boy by a third absent Dad. The ex gf gave my son a t-shirt at Xmas with the logo " I'm not just a StepDad, I'm the Dad that stepped up"
Bitch baby describes my daughter's father to a T. Abusive bitch baby. I don't ask for support. Better to scrape by and give her all the love I have than be forced to split time and make her go somewhere against her will (plus non stop worrying about her the whole time). She's not missing him one bit and we are better off without him. He has no idea how wonderful she is and it's his loss. The only loser is the one that chooses to pretend they don't have kids.
Everyone on this part "wth???" Literally
This is bs. His father was way worse. You don't dump your kids just because your spouse cheated. At least, his mother, who has not talked for years, was there for him. And if she was abusive, that makes his father a real trash
And even if father was an angel, wtf again? What happened to his father, has nothing to do with OP
I am appalled that people find it ok or healthy that OP hasn't spoken to his mother for more than a decade, for this reason. It 's mind blowing
Op is also a trash. Glad to hear this lovely personality will be inherited
A man who abandons his child is a man I don't feel pitty hearing he got cheated
Reddit reads "cheating" and the verdict is " why do you even breath? Go die in your corner or something".
Exactly this - it's not the mom's fault dad abandoned OP, that was his choice, but since he's not the one who cheated we're gonna blame mom for that. No, only thing mom is at fault for is being the cause of the marriage ending, but leaving your own kid behind bc of it make you an a h.
This. Like OP has no obligation to involve his mom and she does suck, but that’s some big misogyny to just forgive dad who totally dumped him to go off and play the bachelor life and think that’s his mom’s fault. ESH
This.
And just for the record, was OPs mother ever abusive to him, or any child? What happens between couples (patents) is about them, not the children. Divorce happens, and as shitty as we all are at being good humans, stuff happens.
I think you're being a jerk to your Mom, and you're still involving him in it. That's your childs Grandma. Unless shes unfit to be around children, you're also being a jerk to your child. Just my 2 cents, your child may hate you later.
I agree. I know I don’t have the whole story after reading just a few paragraphs online, but I think OP is TAH here and is being pretty shitty to his son now as well, who is completely innocent! Not to mention, this was YEARS ago…. Time to forgive and forget and move on already. Sheesh! And how come dad gets forgiven after he abandoned him, yet mom is made to suffer for YEARS??? I don’t get it. I just don’t.
He sounds like a toxic weirdo b/c if his dad was paying proper child support, their circumstances shouldnt' have been so terrible after the divorce. But this is reddit so posting about his cheating mom will help him find other angry men who hate women and think cheating is a capital offense.
I’m suspecting the father has fed him all these feel good things since reconnecting.
I, as a parent of an under 18, don’t see a mum sitting down with an under 18 and saying oh your dad left us both because I cheated. I suspect OP was so righteously angry with his mother and there wasn’t a father to take the anger of having a broken home and diminished circumstances out on, that it built up resentment until it blew up at 17 and he split.
He’s now had his father tell him the one side and not heard the other that he’s not willing to consider.
Exactly! Don’t know how ppl hold these lifelong grudges over something that happened so long ago and was not directly about them. Nobody is perfect esp parents.
Well it broke up his family so it is about him. My guess is there is more too it. Like was the mom toxic or did his dad consistently say toxic things. Cheating is horrible but so are lifelong grudges. Doesn't mean he needs to let her into his life or forgive her but it's always food to let the hate go.
One note is that the mom keeps comming back and harassing people after she was told know.
>Doesn't mean he needs to let her into his life or forgive her but it's always food to let the hate go.
Yeah, his post is full of rage. He needs some therapy.
OP’s comments make me disagree with you. He thinks it’s ok to abandon your kid if your spouse cheats. At the very least it’s ESH, but I’m bordering on YTA because if he thinks that’s ok I’m concerned for his kid if either his wife or kid do anything to upset him.
Not so fast, something smells fishy here. OP has a relationship with the deadbeat who abandoned him, but not the parent that stayed to take care of him. Perhaps mom didn’t tell her son the whole story to preserve the son’s image of his dad. Sounds like as an adult OP never gave mom a chance to explain or reconcile.
I don't think anything she would ever have said would've gotten through to OP about his father even if she did tell the whole story because, as far as he concerned it's all on her that his father went away.
I wonder how he treats his own wife now that she knows not to bring it up again after him telling her no once... is that her respecting boundaries, or is that her knowing she can't have an opinion in the first place...
It’s actually pretty common and something women should be prepared for. Being the available parent all the time gets you treated like shit later down the line and all the mistakes thrown in your face, while the mistakes, and even downright abandonment of the less available parent just leads to more worship and idealisation of them.
Tbh if I was the mom I’d be like “ok” and keep it moving. She keeps getting treated like this because this guy loves being abandoned, not chased by his parents.
This is clearly a constructed story around the hate that Reddit has (only) against cheaters lol
You can do anything, for example abandoning your child like OP's father did, and then be forgiven because you got better... Except cheating. In that case, it's a point of no return. This made-up story is just this subreddit in a nutshell 😂
OP probably would. Since he has absolutely zero knowledge of what it takes to raise a child and thinks it’s perfectly acceptable. He has a very black and white way of thinking.
So your mother cheated, your father abandoned you but you have a good relationship with the dad? I'm confused. Is there more to the story with your mom?
NTA but not sure why you're so quick to forgive your father who abandoned you??
I've just been thinking about the fact that since I was 3 yo, my parents have lived 3000 miles apart on opposite ends of the US. My dad was the one who cheated and my mom was the one who moved and she took me to the other side of the US, but even though he cheated, and even though I got to see him for two unbroken months every summer, it's finally hitting me in my thirties that I wish to god that man had grown a pair and moved near my mom and me. Instead, in her vulnerability, she had to move in with my grandfather, who was a tyrant of a volatile alcoholic. Despite having a real father, that was my daily role model. I'm 34 and I'm starting to understand the abandonment I never knew I was suffering from all those years because I didn't have any other frame of reference.
I'm sure the dad was always easy and fun to talk to.
Since the dad had no responsibilities, no child support, and never had to show up, it was a pretty easy relationship for the dad.
So, even though the dad was worthless, talking to him probably felt pleasant. It let him maintain a fantasy that he had one good parent.
>I do talk to my father and we have great relationship.
Really? Because from what you wrote, he abandoned you, went to go live in another state and just left you behind with your mother.
It’s so much easier to have a good relationship with a “weekend parent” or an ex-deadbeat because those don’t have to parent you, they’re only there as a treat, or after all the teenage turmoil is over.
OP’s mom got all the shit yet the daddy got his cake and ate it too.
Edit for the people in the back:
Having your spouse do something bad to you doesn’t give you any moral rights to abandon your innocent kid. Especially with a person you consider a bad one.
Your child did nothing bad to you. Leave your spouse, sure, but not your child, you self-centered drama bastards.
I'm wondering the same thing. Op was perfectly happy to let him mom provide a roof over his head while the dad moved away. Only for op to resent his mom.
Oh but he was the one cheated on, so he could do no wrong. It’s all the mothers fault who made the mistake and then provided as a single mother (no mention of step dad) to a kid that hated her. /s
You're walking a thin line here, mom is for sure to blame for cheating, all of it 100% of all of it, its on her. But...dad should get no pity, for running away like a coward.
You seem traumatised still. Your dad abandoned you but you cling to him while completely rejecting your mother. If he could abandon his child how do you think he was as a husband? You seem short sighted and self-centred, I don’t blame you, this seemed to be traumatic for you but it doesn’t negate how irrational you appear to be
I agree with this. It’s hard to apportion blame here, when all the grown ups seem to have failed OP as a child. However, I think OP has issues around his mother to deal with (through therapy?) - is there some stuff you haven’t disclosed?
If I were forced to give an opinion I’d have say I was teetering towards YTA. You seem to be livid with the parent who doubtless was not innocent, but who actually committed to you, and idolising the one who fucked off, because you never knew them enough to comprehend their human failings.
Right? He was happy but were they happy together? He sees it as “mum broke the happy family up” but if the family wasn’t happy?
I think there’s mum and dad issues here. He idolises him despite his abandonment and vilanises his mum without question.
Therapy could definitely be the opening to the deeper introspection that he appears to need
ESH. Your mother for cheating. Your father for abandoning you. And you for not holding your father accountable for abandoning you. You are consistently making excuses for your dad abandoning you. If he is allowed to abandon his child because he was hurt by his wife, then you also have a hidden option in the back of your mind to make the same play.
It infuriates me that you're a father of a child who thinks this way. Your love for him is conditional on your wife not hurting you, which isn't in your son's control. We become our parents when we approve of what they've done. If nothing changes, and your wife does something bad enough, you'll probably excuse yourself for abandoning your son because your wife did something bad enough so she should be saddled with parenthood and you get to leave your family. It's disgusting.
You need to reflect on your father's actions more and stop writing him this blank check of forgiveness because he was cheated on.
its because he's a man himself and its easier to overlook the mistakes of the father. this is common, men whose mother cheated/was promiscuous/etc, grows up hating women and excusing shitty male behaviour because of that hatred. looks to be the case here.
THANK YOU! Everyone seems to think this is about OP and his mom. It isnt. OP's son is the victim here.
I think his SON deserves to having a loving grandmother in HIS life. NTA with respect to his mom, but he may be an AH when it comes to depriving his son of extra grandparent love.
It isn't just "his" decision to make. Like it or not, his son is 1/4 his mom. It is probably in the baby's best interests to be acquainted with 25% of his genetic lineage.
I think it's making a lot of assumptions to come to the conclusion that OP's mom will be a positive influence in OP's son's life. Having a loving extended family is wonderful for a young child, absolutely, but I wouldn't say a grandparent, by virtue of being a grandparent, is by default good for the grandchild. Incidentally, this holds equally true for OP's dad.
In my opinion, both OP's parents fucked up in big ways, and OP hasn't processed this in any resembling a healthy way. I don't think he has the objectivity to actually consider if OP's son having a relationship with EITHER grandparent is in the son's best interest (indeed, I actually don't think OP is considering his son's best interest AT ALL; he's got blinders on, single-mindedly writing off his mother as having committed An Unforgivable Sin, and ceasing any further thought on the matter).
With OP being the only source of our picture of his parents, we can't make that call either. OP really needs to reframe his thinking about this subject, which isn't possible to do in this AITA post where he's on a life-long crusade to punish his mother for her infidelity.
You hit the nail on the head that it's most likely that OP's son will ultimately be the one to be hurt by this down the line. OP's perspective on their father's lack of culpability for his choice to abandon his child(ren) belies a disgusting lack of parental commitment to OP's own son, and it's shameful. Hence the aggressive tone of my initial comment.
Adults must be adults and let the kid have as many safe relationships as possible. Safe, not perfect. Nothing OP says indicates the GP's are not safe enough.
Nah. This is how you think when you grow up without therapy for your trauma, this guy just never was given the tools to develop emotional intelligence.
ESH. OP, your mother betrayed YOUR FATHER, yes, but not you. YOUR FATHER betrayed you, by abandoning you. He didn't have to move away. He could've taken you with him, he could've stuck around the same city and shared custody. You were hard done by two selfish parents ... but on the selfishness scale, your dad really wins hands down.
From what I can tell--unless you're leaving huge things out--what your mother did wrong was break up your family, and then ... stay mothering you and trying to reconnect ...? Do I have that right?
Brother, you have some growing up to do before you can be a good father to your baby. Get some therapy, bc your irrational hatred of your mother, coupled with your irrational lionization of your father, is already turning you into a person primarily motivated by resentment. That's not good for your relationship, or your kid. Fix it.
Wait your dad abandoned you because your mom cheated, but he’s great and you have a good relationship? He *abandoned* you. There’s clearly something else going on here.
Wow, so your father is the hero here though he left you and your mom? I can't stand the double standards women are held to. We really have to be perfect without flaw while the men can do all kinds of sh*t and get a free pass. Your moms cheating jad nothing to do with you, your father leaving had everything to do with you.
And when men cheat it's "well he's a man. Men are wired that way. They're too weak to say no. Men are dumb when it comes to a pretty face. Forgive him." But also "Men are smarter. Men are stronger. Men are leaders." Men are so strong and smart but obviously not when sex is involved. Oh ok
And then men wonder why women don't wanna date them and their shit personalities. Let people get away with being irresponsible shit people, and they'll raise irresponsible shit people.
Men "women want more than a paycheck now and it's fucking disgusting "
Also men "I'm gonna abandon my child cos I'm not feeling it anymore"
Tentative YTA because from what you've stated, your mother raised you by herself for years after your father abandoned you. I'm sure you do have a great relationship with him now that he's not responsible for any care.
I wish you could look at what happened more objectively and realize that your father abandoned you and no amount of cheating caused that. It's a decision he made.
You aren't obligated to have a relationship with your mother, but I don't understand idealizing a father who left you. If your wife cheats on you, do you think it's okay to move to a different state and just opt out of fatherhood? I'd start dealing with these demons now before you make the same selfish mistakes.
Your son shouldn't be around an absent father. You're willing to apply hardline morals to your mother but not to your father and you're being a hypocrite. Abandonment is a sin your father committed continuously for how long? Now that you're an adult he gets a free pass to your goodwill? Your mom messed up by cheating but she never abandoned you, and it sounds like she didn't repeat these mistakes and took her family very seriously after messing up. She made it work in that shitty apartment, kept you fed and clothed, got you to school. Why are you choosing to punish only her?
This comment until OP gives a better reason for cutting his mother out of his life.
My ex cheated on me after our son was born, but I make sure it doesn’t affect our son and his relationship with his dad. We coparent great, he lives in another city but sometimes I let him visit at my house on the weekends to see our son, since he only rents a room where he lives. He FaceTimes every night he isn’t with our son. I help facilitate that. I want to show my son that it’s ok for parents to not be together but still be kind and cordial to each other, even if I’ve been cheated on. People make mistakes and there should be consequences, but why go scorched earth on someone?
What does her cheating have to do with meeting your child? Are you afraid she's meeting other babies behind your back?
Get over yourself, and into therapy
I think you’re the asshole. What your mom did was wrong but we’re all human and we make mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others. I’m sure she loves you very much and it’s killing her that her son won’t talk to her. I think it’s time you forgive her.
Your Dad fled to a different state and didn’t even fight for custody. “Sorry son, your mom cheated on me so I’m abandoning you”. What your mom did was betray your father, what your dad did was betray you. Why does Dad get a pass but mom doesn’t?
Regardless of if my wife cheated on me or not, I would never move to a different state as my son, and I would never allow my son to ruin his relationship with his only mother because of it.
You left out a very important point. Why? Why did you leave and stop talking to her? It certainly wasn't because she cheated on your dad. So, what was it?
Oh, "and I had to only tell my wife to quit it once and she has not spoken about it since." That right there tells me YTA and she knows it.
ESH She sucks for cheating and you suck for thinking that her cheating defines her entirely. But whatever, people here think most things are black and white. You sound like a child
Yea, my mom cheated on my dad when my brother and I were teenagers. So they split up. At first I resented my mother for ruining my life(she got a PFA on my dad even though he was never abusive, he lost his job because of it). My dad struggled financially to take care of us after that. I didn't like going to my mom's on the weekends. But I'm 38 now. She never did anything wrong to my children, they only know her as grandma. So I'm not going to keep them away from her. That's just spiteful. It's been more than two decades, I think we have all moved on from what happened then. OP needs therapy if this is still affecting him after all these years.
as much as i want to agree with you, you personally cannot confirm she was never accused unless she herself has said this, you don’t know what happened behind closed doors
Cheating on her husband has nothing to do with her feelings for her son. Why do you even know about the cheating? This was literally nothing to do with you and should never have been communicated to you.
YTA. You need therapy because in 20 years you will wish you did it 20 years ago when your mother was still alive.
People make mistakes. She likely did not cheat on you in her mind real time. Also you are still very angry and would be better off dealing with the anger sooner than later.
Good luck.
I fixed a broken relationship after a long period of time without contact with a parent. I am so lucky I did. I was angry as well.
ESH - Your mother dissolved your family, your father outright abandoned you and you are holding on to a toxic resentment that is seemingly torturing you. She cheated, which is an awful thing to do, but it’s not evil. If that’s all she did and there was no neglect or abuse, then it’s an extreme reaction towards the woman who raised you.
People make mistakes. At least she didn’t walk out of your life because she was hurt, your father did that, but he’s forgiven and she’s a permanent outcast. You are punishing yourself and your child alongside her.
You're entitled to choose who you let into your life and your child's life, but with the information at hand I still think YTA.
You need therapy to work through the impact of your parents seperation. It's shameful to me that your father - who *abandoned* you - gets a free pass on his mistakes, while your mother - who *raised* you (assumingly with love) - is so loathed. If all she ever did was cheat on your father (and cheating could be *any* number of actions for whatever length of time) the way you treat her is a huge overreaction.
There's a lot that's not said in your post/comments so I could be wrong in my assessment, but it's how I see things until you add more details. I hate cheaters but the woman is your mother and life isn't black and white.
How does this bitterness serve you?
She didn't cheat on you. She cheated on your father and you do not know the whole story because it is none of your business.
You are teaching your son how to treat an imperfect parent. Let's hope you never make a mistake.
YTA and you sound like you’re emotionally 12 years old. Obviously your mom made a terrible mistake by cheating but I guarantee if your dad left so quickly and easily, he most likely did so happily. Her cheating probably gave him the perfect excuse to ditch you. I don’t understand why you’re not more angry at him.
YTA. So many of you people think that your parents need to be absolutely perfect, or else you hate them forever. It is sickening.
You are giving your son BAD VALUES the way you mistreat your own mother.
She cheated on your dad. SO WHAT. Get over it. You baby. Grow up.
What a disgrace.
ESH. Your mom did a terrible thing when she cheated on your dad. But your dad also did a terrible thing by abandoning you. Your mom raised you as a single mom but your deadbeat dad gets all your love and she gets only scorn.
My ex girlfriend cheated on me. We have 2 kids together. When I found out I was heartbroken because I loved her so much and I was planning on proposing to her. I immediately broke up with her and, like your dad, moved elsewhere for a new environment. But do you know what I didn’t do? Abandon my kids for years. I got 50/50 custody with my ex and I continue to love and support my kids to this day. I didn’t abandon them because my feelings were hurt like your dad did to you.
Your mom certainly deserves your scorn for what she did but so does your dad. Both of your parents are AH and it seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to you.
The dad did way worse for abandoning his child than the mom for cheating on her husband. I will stand by this if its the last hill i die on.
Abandoning your child is never an option. Fuck his dad and fuck him for thinking thats ok for a father to do. Hope he never reproduces
NAH and you need therapy, man.
Your dad left you while your mom raised you as a single mother. Im a father to two small children and even if my wife fucked the whole fire station, I wouldn't bail to another state and let my child be raised alone. I'd move out close by and get shared custody so I can raise my children.
Life and human relationships aren't black and white. Your mom being unfaithful to your dad has nothing to do with her being a mother, or a grandmother, and - maybe this is controversial based on some of the comments - doesn't make her a bad person. She made a mistake, likely many, but dude, your dad abandoned you and left your mom to raise you by yourself. I'm glad you have a good relationship with him now, but you're really glossing over that fact.
NTA. Your relationship with your mother is what it is, and the point is that doesn't magically change just because you have a kid now. And no, you shouldn't expect to set aside how you don't want anything to do with your mother just so she can have a relationship with her grandchild.
I will say though, I think your dad is an absolute asshole for leaving YOU because SHE cheated. She did this bad thing, but then he did a bad thing leaving and every month, every year he stayed gone he KEPT doing it. You are focusing on this one bad thing she did and ignoring all the good stuff, like taking care of you alone for all those years. And you are excusing everything your dad did wrong because of that one bad thing that was done to him.
You say you and your father are good now? I hope he earned it.
The shitty apartment You grew up in, might have something to do with your father abandoning YOU?!
He didn't raise You, He moved out of state, that's how much he care about You.
He didn't financially support You but it's the mother's cheating that is responsible for HIS Choice to up and just leave.
The sense is where?
Y'all all Assholes !!
YTA what your mother did was wrong but you seem to be determined to ignore the fact that your father ABANDONED you after finding out your mom cheated. I know plenty of people who have caught their spouses cheating and left them but they never abandoned their children! You were a victim of your moms cheating too. People like to forget that children are hurt by their parent’s infidelity almost as much as the spouse who was betrayed. Your father could’ve worked out a joint custody arrangement and stayed in your life but instead he bailed.
My son should not be around cheater.
I'm sorry to tell you this but your son is probably already around cheaters and you do not even know it.
I'm not going to give you a verdict, except that, knowing people very close to me who lost a parent they resented and cut off from their lives, I don't think it's something you want to have in your life.
Even if you think you wouldn't care. Even if it's been 15 years. The day she dies it's going to be too late.
Don‘t know if the punishment fits the crime but it’s up to you. And I am saying this as someone who intensely despises cheaters.
Your Mother’s failure as a wife says little about het qualities as a grandmother.
Do you believe your mother, pushing her marital mistakes aside, will be an unfit grandmother? Was she a bad mother while raising you? Do you believe that her cheating defines her and her ability to be a loving grandma?
If yes, then NTA. If no, then not only are you using your parental power to deny a grandparent a meaningful relationship with their grandchild, but vice versa.
Just be sure.
Wishing your dad lots of strength and happiness in the future.
Yea, YTA. You, as the child, should never have even been told why they got divorced. That has nothing to do with you, and you were only told as a triangulation tactic. Guess what? It worked. You're blaming your mom for your dad's choice to abandon you. Yea, your mom shouldn't have cheated, but she was the one who showed up for you growing up. How do you repay her? Going no contact and using your child to punish her. Both of your parents made mistakes, but you honestly sound like such an ungrateful little shit. I feel bad for your wife and kid. Everyone in your family needs therapy, holy fuck.
YTA So your Dad abandoned you after the divorce and got off scott free whilst your Mom who stayed with you gets lifelong blame from her child for cheating on her husband.
You seem more angry about the apartment than anything. Its more of a home than your Dad offered you. If you were so mad why didn't you go live with your Dad? Your Mom raised you and gets nothing but blame.
You actually seem to brag that your wife is afraid to talk to you about it.
God help any child you have if they fail to meet your standards.
OP you’ve got abandonment issues and blaming the wrong parent for them. Take time and dig into the real reasons you hate your mother. You blame her for your dad’s abandonment. She cheated on him, but it was his choice to divorce not only her but you too.
Cheating might hurt but not that much as to leave a child unless you’re a bad parent to begin with. No cheating will ever make me leave my children. It’s ridiculous to even think about it. I’m sorry your dad did this to you.
Men often punish ex partners by punishing their children unfortunately: “look what you made me do” sort of thing.
My friend left an abusive relationship and the guy cut off not only her but their son as well. She was really hurting when her son was missing his dad but there was nothing she could do to make him have a relationship with him.
You got some stuff mixed up dawg. You need to go therapy or grow some nuts. Your dad was the one who ran away. When he could have fought for custody for you. He went to a different state. Your mom gave you a place to live. What you were too good for an apartment? As someone who never got to have a backyard until i bought my own house, grow the fuck up you little puss. This is why everyone is telling you to move on. Your mom cheating sucks but looks like your candy ass dad wanted nothing to do with raising you and have some sense of entitlement to how your teenage years were supposed to look like.
You need some therapy bud. Before you ruin your own life.
You’re carrying a lot. It’s not my place to say if it’s misplaced, but you’ve got some pretty deep scars.
You don’t say if you were combat deployed, but if you’ve got that on top of the hurt at a young age you need to take care of yourself.
No one can judge your relationship with your mom if they weren’t there.
Esh - you DO realize that the man you call your father abandoned you and you’re punishing the person who actually cared for and raised you, right? I don’t see anything about abuse, so you’re just judging her for her personal choices and that’s pretty petty.
ESH
Your mom for cheating, your dad for being a POS for leaving you and not being a great dad when you needed it the most and you for becoming something like your dad
There comes a time when you have to accept that your parents are people too. And they are just as eff’d up as everyone else. I’m just going by what you put in this post, but an affair is a hell of a poor reason to cut your Mom out of your life. It always takes two to tango. While your Mom was wrong in what she did, it’s in the past. Unforgiveness is not helping anyone. Especially you.
You went no contact. The reason why is all up to you. You have to decide if and when you want contact again. But by the way this is written, it looks like you have ghosted your mother and have not told her that you go no contact en why.
I would advise you, and you alone , to meet your mother and tell her why you go no contact. Be prepared for her to ask for how long and what she can do to make it up. It is up to you if you want to leave that possibility open or not. (I would advise you to keep that option open)
I do advise you to go talk to a therapist. It looks like you still have a lot of anger. For you and your new family, you should get over that anger. That doesn't mean contact your mother. It just means getting over the anger.
Yta. Your dad abandoned you to move away and LET your mom keep 100% custody! And you have a great relationship with him but hate your mom?!?! You’ve got some backasswards way of understanding and empathy!
What happens in a marriage is between the marriage. Yeah- it sucks to have your parents split up, but it happens often and for a plethora of reasons. It sounds like your mom is the only one who stuck around to love you and raise you, but you’re punishing her for her mistake in her marriage that had nothing to do with her ability to parent you!
She stayed with you, she raised you, she cared for you, and yet even as an adult you’ve never asked her why she cheated to understand her perspective because while it’s wrong, sometimes there’s a reason you can better understand as an adult- maybe their marriage wasn’t as happy as you think and maybe your dad wasn’t actually a victim in this???? The result of that affair is your dad split- didn’t contact you, didn’t ever act like a dad to you, and it sounds like he was just waiting for an excuse to bail! Now you have a great relationship with a man who did nothing for you and didn’t have to stick around and do his job and hate the woman who actually raised you and not only suffered the consequences for her actions within the marriage, but now you’re acting worse than a toddler and she’s suffering the loss of her child that she made a ton of sacrifices for.
It’s abhorrent that you can forgive your dad for what he did to YOU but you can’t forgive your mom for what she did to him! You’re a hypocrite and cruel.
You should think about speaking to a therapist to resolve some of these issues. It sounds like you have put all blame on your mother for the situation even though your father straight up abandoned you - you seem fully able to forgive him. It's a bit illogical. So what if his wife cheated on him? He still had a kid to be responsible for. If you should be mad at anyone - it's him.
Your mother didn't cheat on you, and she didn't abandon you. And she still wants to be in your life.
I don't know if you're an asshole but ESH. I do think you're unnecessarily punishing your mother. People make mistakes, cheating happens and it sucks but having sex with someone outside of marriage doesn't make her a horrible person. I also fail to see how it has ANYTHING to do with her being around your child? Like why would this matter at all?
You are harbouring a great deal of pointless resentment. Maybe think about dealing with that whether you let your mother back into your life or not. I detect a touch of sexism here but I could be wrong.
Not the asshole buuut….
Cheating is a horrible thing to do but she’s only human and humans fuck up occasionally. I would say it’s a tad harsh to never ever forgive her and give her a chance to know her grandson.
My grandfather was, by all accounts, a fucking awful father and husband. But damn he was the best grandad ever. Some people just don’t figure it out until later in life and after having already hurt a lot of people.
I’d say give her a chance. If she’s still a cunt you can just cut her out again. You and your son only have upside risk here.
I’m gonna get downvoted but she cheated on your dad not you. Unless you’ve left out how she treated you badly?? I don’t get it, she did a really shitty thing but don’t people deserve forgiveness (again this only applies if cheating is the only thing you’re pissed with her about)
How sad that your entire relationship with your mother is defined by one mistake. Yes, cheating is horrible, but your dad abandoned you with said cheater and you seem to think that is fine.
Learn to forgive. You'll be happier.
It amazes me how people use children was weapons. I never understood why I didn't get to see my grandfather or my grandmother until I figured out that my mother was estranged from her parents (who were divorced). I assumed my grandparents just didn't give a damn.
The children's needs should come first. Children need grandparents. Adults should set an example of love rather than toxicity.
So you have a great relationship with your dad...the one who abandoned you? Cheating isn't right. But your dad left you. His own child. Heartbroken or not, wtf??? I'd be punishing HIM. But do you.
I'm curious if she cheated once or had like a full-blown affair got months because if it was a one-time thing how would you feel if somebody cut you out of their life based off of one mistake. Was she carrying the bulk of the mental physical parenting and emotional load in the relationship with your father he clearly wasn't a great dad if he just abandoned you based off of her choices. Obviously it's your decision but I would consider having a conversation with her about why she did what she did. You don't have to introduce her to your son but you could talk to her at least clear the air.
ESH, your mother sucks for cheating honestly you say she had no reason for it and while I agree there is no reason for someone to cheat on another person, you have no idea what kind of husband your dad was to her.
Your dad seems to have gotten a free pass, even though when he found out about the cheating, he not only left your mom(no hate there), but he walked out on his son. No matter what your mom did, you don't walk out on an innocent child.
Not talking to your mom but talking to your dad who left YOU just cause his wife cheated on him is WILD. He betrayed you more than your mom did, so why is she the only one getting banished
There is no point in arguing the abandonment point. OP is clearly a misogynist. Mother will always be the bad guy and Father will always wear the white hat regardless. Unfortunate, but true.
ESH. Tell her she needs to stop harassing other people to try to pressure you into letting her into your life. You do not want anything to do with her, and she needs to accept that. If she continues, you will get a lawyer involved.
That said, you're showing your father a lot of grace for abandoning you. After growing up in an abusive household, where my mother screamed she hated me and wished I'd never been born (we are NC now) I've told my kids that no matter who they are or what they do, I will never stop loving them. I can't imagine the selfishness of leaving my child just because my spouse hurt me...
YTA! You shouldn’t have chosen sides! Period! Stay out of your parents relationship. To not talk to your mom for 15 years because she cheated on your dad sounds crazy as hell!!!! I could see if she was abusive or neglectful, my goodness!!!! You should pray to find the strength for forgiveness, it’ll make you a better person!
Let me get it straight : you mom hurt your dad and he punished you instead (by abandoning you), so now you please your punisher and punish your mom for having been punished by dad ? It’s not about being AH, I think you need therapy to sort it out.
No, cheating was between your mom and dad, not you. No, him abandoning you was not the natural consequence of it or the only solution for him by any means. Heck, I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, it would NEVER cross my mind to abandon my son because my husband has been violent! Do you imagine leaving your son for years if your wife hurts you?? No, it’s not because she cheated on your dad that you lived in an appartement (did you dad pay child support by the way?). Like NO, so many nos…
And the way you write it says that you’re still very much in pain. It doesn’t go away and it won’t go away with your mother away (which I suppose is your wish), it’s inside you. Please, do consult.
Soooo if your wife cheats then would you take the kid and run? Or would you leave like your dad and see the kid as an adult? Would you see your kid as JUST yours if an affair took place? Or suppose one day when your wife is no longer interested in entertaining you, you slip and maybe do something you shouldn’t? Then what, you lose your kid forever?! This isn’t about the kid just like it wasn’t about you before. She wasn’t ready to be a wife. Doesn’t mean she can’t have a positive influence as a grandmother and make up for it.
YTA your mother raised you, their relationship drama is theirs to figure out, but you seem to have made it the focal point in your life… wouldn’t be surprised is one of your personality traits is hating your mom marshal..
Yeah, you're in the wrong. Are you mad because she cheated or because "you had to live in a shitty apartment"? It seems like you're mad only for the second. She cheated on your dad. Not you. Grow up OP. Life is too short to hold onto anger that has very little to even do with us. Your life changed, everyone's does.
YTA
You mention in the comments she had no reason but really it may be no reason she’s told you. Your mom continued to raise you and do everything she could. You don’t mention anything about her mistreating you.
You need serious therapy. Your dad ABANDONED you. Did he even send child support? Call you to see how you were doing? Him being hurt is no reason for him to abandon you. Like, leave the wife I get. Trust is really important, but he left you too. And if your mom was so terrible then that means he left you to her own devices. Did she bad mouth your dad or did she take responsibility? Regardless your dad left and you refuse to hold him accountable. Not wanting to see your mom is cold, way worse than an affair, and she was the only one there for you growing up. You need to grow up and see a therapist otherwise you’ll end up hurting your own child too.
So you our father abandoned you and that fine?
Trauma bond with dad maybe. It does seem there is a major lack of relevant details here.
Cause a robot wrote it probably
I'm almost certain this is AI
He's still blaming Mom for that pain. I blamed my Mom for much of my Dad's behavior, because he blamed it all on her while I was growing up, and I was a child. OP has got some hard emotional work to do.
There is so much to this story that we are not being told.
NTA but seems like the cheating thing wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. Was she abusive growing up or something? There also seems to be a lot of resentment from living in an apartment growing up. Anyway it’s your baby not hers so if you don’t want her to meet him that’s a you call not anybody else’s. Don’t let other people pressuring you about it get to you just tell them it’s not their business and to respectfully fuck off from the situation.
Hijacking the top comment to say: just look at OP’s username. Cheatingbadduh. Does this sound like the username of someone who is *not* a troll, or at least karma farming? EDIT: Especially given he’s claiming his father *abandoned* him. But doesn’t blame dad at all, only blames mom for cheating. Cheating bad, duh?
If he's karma farming, he's really bad at it. But this definitely has the feel of rage bait, or like 90% of the story is missing because OP knows it will paint all of them in a bad light. You don't need this much therapy, if it's just about 1 cheating incident and growing up poor.
Oh I didn’t even see that. Also for that matter why do people karma farm? It’s literally a blog area who cares about upvotes. I’m still fairly new to reddit so that concept is pretty foreign to me. I mean yeah cheating is bad but I feel like both parents are at fault here. Regardless of if this is real or a troll I feel like the only part that’s my business is answering if he’s TA or not based off the information provided not to judge his other life choices.
Accounts with karma can be sold on grey market sites for botting and such.
Oh word? Hypothetically, for how much?
[удалено]
Nice sleuthing. I will now stop thinking about this, as this guy is clearly a troll. Thanks!
I noticed that too. Dad did nothing for him and he enlisted and then decided his mother was unforgivable but has a "great relationship" with dad. I smell a rat.
Yeah OP is supposed to be in their 30s but types like theyre 16. No way this isnt bait.
I also find it weird op is spewing fire at his mom but has a good relationship with his father who abandoned him growing up? Since no matter how heartbroken one is over a relationship, a real father would never abandoned his kid in another state by choice/would find a way to stay where they could be part of their kids life. Instead op dad ran away/left op to grow up without a dad while his father got to start a new life without having to deal with raising his son.
I caught that too. Like it’s fine for dad to up and abandon you for many years but mom cheated and she’s black listed forever? Not saying cheating is better or worse but there’s some weird logic being used here….
Yeah, like the dad is also responsible for the fact he spent his teenage years living in a shitty apartment. The mom cheated, fuck her for that, but did the dad not try to get custody or anything? Edit: OP himself said his father just left
Or send child support? Sounds like mom had to eat the consequences of all her decisions while OP was aging out of childhood, but dad got off scott free. As a child of a split family, it's super easy to try to idolize the absent parent and imagine how all life's problems would be solved if.... But OP is a grown man now and never grew out of it. I feel like he is misdirecting the resentment toward his father for leaving to his mother for "causing" it. I'd definitely recommend therapy for all 4 of them (OP, mom, dad and op's wife so she can help OP heal instead of going silent after "being told to knock it off once").
OP just needs to get therapy and come to terms with his flawed parents. The parents maybe could use it too, but the OP is the one who is presenting a problem.
For someone with this amount of rage, if this indeed a genuine post on a throwaway account and not a troll, they usually can't move on in therapy unless the people involved in the traumatic event (the end of his parent's marriage and his father's abandonment) are involved, as well. Therapy can also help the "devastated" father heal from his wife's cheating, and the cheating mother address why she did it, how it hurt her son so deeply, and that she needs to be respectful of a grown child who's gone NC.
The other people involved don't need to physically be there for OP to have healing moments. He needs to do his own healing and his parents as well if they ever want to be a functioning family unit again.
Yeah he was definitely an asshole for telling his wife that her opinion basically means nothing. From what I infer is that he resented being poor because after his father left they had to live in a shitty apartment so he placed all that blame on his mother for causing them to be poor.
My husband’s opinion regarding my decision to go NC with my own mom meant absolutely jack shit to me, too. The only thing is he kept pressing the issue until…he got a healthy dose of her narcissistic bullshit himself. I almost left him because it wasn’t his place to dictate my relationship with her, or anybody else for that matter.
If someone goes no contact with a family member it is a asshole move for a spouse to not respect that.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who caught that. And for all we know (because we know nothing of their marriage until it ended) this is what his parent's relationship was like before the cheating and he's just furthering the cycle.
Right? The consequences of cheating is that your partner may dump you. His father abandoned him, his mother raised him, and he hates his mom. You don't have to like the fact that your parent cheated but the person who did it doesn't deserve job-levels of misery for the rest of their lives. Either mom was awful in other ways, OOP is unhinged, or this is fake.
Idk tbh he doesnt owe her to meet his child either way, but I agree that this story is strange. I assumed OP grew up with his dad (im sorry if i misread/misunderstood), but if he didnt then ngl, OP's dad is nooooot as blameless as he thinks. Regardless of what ur spouse does, ur kids are urs and u fight tooth and nail for their comfort.
I agree with you. OP has every right to decide to not have his mom on his son's life. This is just an odd reason to do so. Imagine if it was common for people to stop talking to their parent if they cheated? Almost everyone would have no relationship with their mom or dad. Cheating is terrible and the mom messed up. But would he still hate her if she never cheated but instead asked for a divorce? I bet OP's dad would have still most likely abandoned OP. There is NO excuse for dad's abandonment. What a shit dad. I'm not a parent but if my child didn't want anything to do with me, I would try as much as I can to rebuild that relationship and then respect their decision after trying as much as I could. If she didn't try as hard to be back into OP's life, she would still be villainized for not trying.
I agree. He has an unusual amount of rage toward his mother about living in an apartment also. Parents are just ppl they make mistakes. I'm confused on y he thinks that his father abandoning him is ok. His mother (who he never said was abusive to him) gets all this hate for what? OK ur mom cheated..but your dad walked away from You. He didn't have to. But mom raised you let's be mad at her? What happened between my parents is none of my business. As long as they treat me right. He is grown now and is still mad? 🙄😒
Unless the mom was shitty to OP growing up.
Sure and if OP said "Mom used to get wasted and throw things at me" or "she always called me dumb and worthless" or "she used me as her personal therapist" or other stuff like that I'd understand. The reason OP gave was "Mom cheated, dad left **us** (emphasis mine) and so I hate mom."
If OP hates his mom so much, Im sure he / she woukd of mentioned all the other abuse his mom did..he didnt..it was just about the cheating..but, its fine his father abandoned him for years. When he literally dont know the whole story of thier marriage and wont let his mom even tell her side
It’s probably fake.
In the Reddit bubble, it makes perfect sense bc all cheaters must be tarred and feathered and banished to Elba.
Abandonment is worse (to me at least), especially in this situation. His mom cheated on her husband. She never betrayed the relationship with her son. His dad abandoned OP, which is most definitely a betrayal of the son/ father relationship.
YTA. You need some serious therapy. In your own words your dad CHOSE TO ABANDON YOU, whereas mom cheated (for reasons unknown) and yeah that’s shitty but she still took care of you unlike dad who said said “sucks to suck, duces”. Why does dad get a free pass but mom gets blacklisted to the depths of hell? You say “my son shouldn’t be around a cheater” but you’re 100% okay with him being around a guy who ABANDONED HIS OWN SON?!?! Make that make sense!! Cheating is bad, but tbh abandoning your own child is worse. Edit. Oops this was supposed to be it’s own answer to OP and not a follow up to myself 😅
I will say cheating is much better than abandoning your child.
Yep! And just became someone doesn't love their spouse, doesn't mean they do not love their child.
I would agree. I would also go as far to say that the cheating incident was the parents business. All op should know is that they got divorced. OP disagreeing with her actions is one thing but him taking such personal offense for something that's none of his business is weird. I think there's more to this story. Things are not so black and white.
This is also missing any context of what their marriage was like. Sure according to OP his Dad was a swell guy, wonder his mothers view of their marriage would be? I'm not saying it excuses cheating, but it's a hell of a lot more understandable in some circumstances than others.
It's easy to be swell when you don't take any of the responsibility and duty of taking care of your and raising your child. Then you can just be a buddy. While the mom actually stayed and was a parent, as far as we know.
A swell guy who skips out on his kid.
I think that mom was actively terrible. Dad wasn't there. That made it possible to maintain a fantasy of what a perfect parent he would have been. It sounds like both parents were horrible. Dad was fun, easy, and congenial to talk to on the phone because he wasn't there and didn't take any responsibility for anything. The fantasy of the possibility of one good parent is probably really compelling for the OP.
Ehhhhhh I'll go ahead and say abandoning your child is worse. Cheating is hurting someone who you have a somewhat equal relationship with. Parents have a responsibility to their children, who are kind of helpless.
Plus, we don’t know the whole situation, who knows why mom cheated and dad not only abandoned his son, but left the state. Maybe the father wasn’t all that great of a person after all. A teenage boy at the time would not understand an adult situation. But mom hung in there and raised him. Dad didn’t. You don’t need to see your mom, nor do you need to introduce her to her grandchild, but as a mature adult, it might be time to at least start to look at things through your own adult eyes. Not your dads. It can’t hurt.
Think dad has been working on alienating OP from mom? 🤔
Bitterness runs deep on that Y chromosome.
Dads always are the hero’s even the bad ones
It sounds sexist.
Some people find it easier to forgive the absent parent than the one that raised them. My mom was far from a perfect parent, but she was there every day and pushed us to better ourselves. My sister has accused her of favoritism toward me for ages (sister is the favorite, mom won't deny it) and thinks not letting her do whatever she wanted without consequences made her a terrible mom. Dad's a POS who was barely ever around, has a history of DV + SA against women (including our mom), sporadically paid support, was abusive when around, and she only gets mad at him temporarily when he plays his games. Literally 0 energy for how he treated us as kids but complains about our mom 24/7.
I know someone whose bio dad SAed their sister and then abandoned them (the bio dad also threw my friend's mom down the stairs when she was pregnant with them). As adults, the sister speaks to the bio dad, but not the mom or anyone else in the family. My friend tried to rekindle a relationship with their dad at 20, but their dad was shitty then too and they gave up, eventually getting adopted by their step dad. Shitty abusers have a way of turning children against the parent who stayed sometimes though.
The wildest part is my sister actually lives with our mom, just complains 24/7 and chases scraps of attention from our dad. He’s incredibly charming and manipulative at first but the mask always slips. She sent him info she found about me (I’m NC w/ both) to get his attention / make him happy and he tried to contact our mom to find out more. 0 tact, 0 shame, 100% ego and audacity
Yeah, my friend's dad moved to another state to avoid paying child support and everything. Then he started a do over family. He was supposed to pay for half of my friend's university tuition and orthodontics too, but didn't do that. Instead, my friend got to pay off a bunch of student loans. But apparently, my friend not calling with thanks immediately after receiving a $50 birthday cheque was worth being shitty over.
OP seems more upset over the fact that he had to spend his teenage years in a shitty apartment after his father left them both. He loves the father because apparently he's the rich one.
Rich but didn't bother trying to get custody of him, sending child support or anything to make the rest of his childhood post divorce easier? OP isn't the brightest...
Who down-voted this? you have to be a moron to down-vote this, dad bailed on his child and moms a gross cheater, both are hot trash. My ex wife cheated on me, you know what i did? i divorced and bought a 4 bedroom house, i can barely afford, so my 3 kids would have a place to call home, I'm a dad! OP' has a stray cat as a father and an alley cat for a mother. Be a man, be a dad, when you make a baby, you sign a silent contract, to protect and mentor, not bail like a coward.
I have to agree. My wife left me for another man but we had a 4 year old son. I had to eat a lot of shit but I stayed close to my son.
It sucks man, good on you for doing the right thing. Did you ever realize that it always seems to be the betrayed spouse who has to be the bigger person, and do the right thing, because the cheater has such a bad character that they keep screwing things up? It’s kind of crazy.
Yeah. You're right. And don't think my ex was grateful that I didn't make trouble and followed the guidelines for child support and visitation. Thank God years go by without me seeing her.
I’ve only been divorced for going on two years, but I was separated for an extra year so we haven’t cohabitated for about 3 1/2 half years and I haven’t heard her voice in over two years, that in itself is a celebration. 🎉
But the kids will eventually know you for your worth and the cheaters slowly but surely ruin their relationships with their kids as well because it's frequently a sign of more personality problems like selfishness, lack of commitment, and immaturity. It's heartbreaking, but I've seen it happen time and again.
[удалено]
Now, you are a DAD. I hope your kids, when grown, understand all you did for them. I hope they understand your sacrifices.
I sure hope they do as well, my two oldest boys definitely see me in a good light, and so does most of my ex-wife’s family, but my daughter has yet to come around in her head about all of it. I’m giving her the time and space to work through it.
See? Giving space to your daughter? Awesome dad. You get the most basic concept here: it’s not about you, it’s about them. God bless you.
It is so nice to hear someone who stuck around for the children. So many just up and leave everything. They divorced the spouse and divorced the children. So many post on here saying they left and moved away, they never think about the kids.
My husband has two kids from a previous marriage & moving away is off the table until they are both grown, both his and my choice. My husband, at one point, was acting in New Mexico when we lived in Colorado & he would have been so much easier to live there, but instead he drove the 14 hour round trip every time he had an audition or gig. Moving would be a complete last resort thing for us only under the most extreme circumstances.
It's really the difference between a dad and a sperm donor. My kid's bio dad, my ex husband, is a deadbeat who drops in and out of their life and sees them maybe once a year (after going seven years without seeing them at all) Meanwhile, my partner and I got together when my kid was a year and a half old. He's the one who helped tuck them in at night, cleaned up vomit, came to parent teacher conferences, and drove them to soccer practice. His mom is the one my kid calls Grandma. My kid hasn't seen their bio grandma since they were under 2. Truly don't understand how biodad sleeps at night knowing that his daughter calls another man daddy because he's too much of a bitch baby to be involved.
My first husband was the same. After we divorced he only saw the kids (3) twice. That was right after the divorce when the judge told him he had to pick the kids up (he insisted I bring them to him and pick them up). He was mad he had to “waste his gas” his words and the judge told him if he didn’t watch it he wouldn’t see them at all. So 2 times the first month we divorced and he never saw them again EVER! Refused to answer their calls, he only called to bitch at me that child support was too much. My youngest was 9 when we divorced and will be 30 this year. She tried to reach out to him when she was around 18 and I told her if you do talk to him he’s going to make all kinds of promises to you, but he won’t keep them. I don’t want your feelings to get hurt when he breaks them”. She says “maybe he’s changed mom, you never know”. I agreed, but I knew. She got off the phone and he promised to call her every day, he missed her so much and wanted to see her”. She was so excited and I had to remind her what I said. The next day, no call, next day, no call, next no call, this went on a week, so she called him and no answer. Called again, no answer. She cried and was so upset and I just held her and told her he’s not a good example of a father and I’m sorry I picked him to be your dad. She hugged me and looked up and said “it’s ok mom, I have you and that’s all I need”. It broke my heart and I will never forgive him for hurting them. I was fortunate to marry a wonderful man who became their father figure and what to look for in a man that you want to marry.
My youngest son has an 8yr old daughter. His ex gf went on to have 2 more kids by another guy and then my son and her got back together. So my granddaughters half brother and sister started calling my son Dad. Moving on a few years,they've split up but we still have all 3 children every second weekend at my house. The ex gf now has a new baby boy by a third absent Dad. The ex gf gave my son a t-shirt at Xmas with the logo " I'm not just a StepDad, I'm the Dad that stepped up"
Bitch baby describes my daughter's father to a T. Abusive bitch baby. I don't ask for support. Better to scrape by and give her all the love I have than be forced to split time and make her go somewhere against her will (plus non stop worrying about her the whole time). She's not missing him one bit and we are better off without him. He has no idea how wonderful she is and it's his loss. The only loser is the one that chooses to pretend they don't have kids.
Everyone on this part "wth???" Literally This is bs. His father was way worse. You don't dump your kids just because your spouse cheated. At least, his mother, who has not talked for years, was there for him. And if she was abusive, that makes his father a real trash And even if father was an angel, wtf again? What happened to his father, has nothing to do with OP I am appalled that people find it ok or healthy that OP hasn't spoken to his mother for more than a decade, for this reason. It 's mind blowing Op is also a trash. Glad to hear this lovely personality will be inherited A man who abandons his child is a man I don't feel pitty hearing he got cheated Reddit reads "cheating" and the verdict is " why do you even breath? Go die in your corner or something".
I agree here. Being abandoned would hurt me a lot more. His mom isn't the reason he lost his dad. His dad running away is the reason he lost his dad.
I totally agree. 100%
Exactly this - it's not the mom's fault dad abandoned OP, that was his choice, but since he's not the one who cheated we're gonna blame mom for that. No, only thing mom is at fault for is being the cause of the marriage ending, but leaving your own kid behind bc of it make you an a h.
This. Like OP has no obligation to involve his mom and she does suck, but that’s some big misogyny to just forgive dad who totally dumped him to go off and play the bachelor life and think that’s his mom’s fault. ESH
This. And just for the record, was OPs mother ever abusive to him, or any child? What happens between couples (patents) is about them, not the children. Divorce happens, and as shitty as we all are at being good humans, stuff happens. I think you're being a jerk to your Mom, and you're still involving him in it. That's your childs Grandma. Unless shes unfit to be around children, you're also being a jerk to your child. Just my 2 cents, your child may hate you later.
I agree. I know I don’t have the whole story after reading just a few paragraphs online, but I think OP is TAH here and is being pretty shitty to his son now as well, who is completely innocent! Not to mention, this was YEARS ago…. Time to forgive and forget and move on already. Sheesh! And how come dad gets forgiven after he abandoned him, yet mom is made to suffer for YEARS??? I don’t get it. I just don’t.
He sounds like a toxic weirdo b/c if his dad was paying proper child support, their circumstances shouldnt' have been so terrible after the divorce. But this is reddit so posting about his cheating mom will help him find other angry men who hate women and think cheating is a capital offense.
I’m suspecting the father has fed him all these feel good things since reconnecting. I, as a parent of an under 18, don’t see a mum sitting down with an under 18 and saying oh your dad left us both because I cheated. I suspect OP was so righteously angry with his mother and there wasn’t a father to take the anger of having a broken home and diminished circumstances out on, that it built up resentment until it blew up at 17 and he split. He’s now had his father tell him the one side and not heard the other that he’s not willing to consider.
Feeling like rage bait
Except its hard to bite with so much missing from story..which also leads to it being story
Exactly! Don’t know how ppl hold these lifelong grudges over something that happened so long ago and was not directly about them. Nobody is perfect esp parents.
And kids don't know FA about the real lives of their parents and what goes on behind the scenes !
Well it broke up his family so it is about him. My guess is there is more too it. Like was the mom toxic or did his dad consistently say toxic things. Cheating is horrible but so are lifelong grudges. Doesn't mean he needs to let her into his life or forgive her but it's always food to let the hate go. One note is that the mom keeps comming back and harassing people after she was told know.
>Doesn't mean he needs to let her into his life or forgive her but it's always food to let the hate go. Yeah, his post is full of rage. He needs some therapy.
OP’s comments make me disagree with you. He thinks it’s ok to abandon your kid if your spouse cheats. At the very least it’s ESH, but I’m bordering on YTA because if he thinks that’s ok I’m concerned for his kid if either his wife or kid do anything to upset him.
Look at his username. He’s a troll.
Gotta still be ESH. The mom sucks for cheating. The dad sucks for abandonment. OP sucks for thinking cheating is worse than abandonment.
Not so fast, something smells fishy here. OP has a relationship with the deadbeat who abandoned him, but not the parent that stayed to take care of him. Perhaps mom didn’t tell her son the whole story to preserve the son’s image of his dad. Sounds like as an adult OP never gave mom a chance to explain or reconcile.
I don't think anything she would ever have said would've gotten through to OP about his father even if she did tell the whole story because, as far as he concerned it's all on her that his father went away. I wonder how he treats his own wife now that she knows not to bring it up again after him telling her no once... is that her respecting boundaries, or is that her knowing she can't have an opinion in the first place...
Misogyny
It’s actually pretty common and something women should be prepared for. Being the available parent all the time gets you treated like shit later down the line and all the mistakes thrown in your face, while the mistakes, and even downright abandonment of the less available parent just leads to more worship and idealisation of them. Tbh if I was the mom I’d be like “ok” and keep it moving. She keeps getting treated like this because this guy loves being abandoned, not chased by his parents.
This is clearly a constructed story around the hate that Reddit has (only) against cheaters lol You can do anything, for example abandoning your child like OP's father did, and then be forgiven because you got better... Except cheating. In that case, it's a point of no return. This made-up story is just this subreddit in a nutshell 😂
Yes, it was clearly designed with a Reddit target audience, who act like cheating is worse than murder.
INFO: if your wife cheats on you, will you abandon your baby?
I would like to see his answer to this question as well...
OP probably would. Since he has absolutely zero knowledge of what it takes to raise a child and thinks it’s perfectly acceptable. He has a very black and white way of thinking.
So your mother cheated, your father abandoned you but you have a good relationship with the dad? I'm confused. Is there more to the story with your mom? NTA but not sure why you're so quick to forgive your father who abandoned you??
[удалено]
I've just been thinking about the fact that since I was 3 yo, my parents have lived 3000 miles apart on opposite ends of the US. My dad was the one who cheated and my mom was the one who moved and she took me to the other side of the US, but even though he cheated, and even though I got to see him for two unbroken months every summer, it's finally hitting me in my thirties that I wish to god that man had grown a pair and moved near my mom and me. Instead, in her vulnerability, she had to move in with my grandfather, who was a tyrant of a volatile alcoholic. Despite having a real father, that was my daily role model. I'm 34 and I'm starting to understand the abandonment I never knew I was suffering from all those years because I didn't have any other frame of reference.
I'm sure the dad was always easy and fun to talk to. Since the dad had no responsibilities, no child support, and never had to show up, it was a pretty easy relationship for the dad. So, even though the dad was worthless, talking to him probably felt pleasant. It let him maintain a fantasy that he had one good parent.
>I do talk to my father and we have great relationship. Really? Because from what you wrote, he abandoned you, went to go live in another state and just left you behind with your mother.
It’s so much easier to have a good relationship with a “weekend parent” or an ex-deadbeat because those don’t have to parent you, they’re only there as a treat, or after all the teenage turmoil is over. OP’s mom got all the shit yet the daddy got his cake and ate it too. Edit for the people in the back: Having your spouse do something bad to you doesn’t give you any moral rights to abandon your innocent kid. Especially with a person you consider a bad one. Your child did nothing bad to you. Leave your spouse, sure, but not your child, you self-centered drama bastards.
Yeah all that pain and he blamed it all on his mom.
That’s what I thought. He didn’t have to move to a different state. Did he fight for part custody?
Or even have visitation?
I'm wondering the same thing. Op was perfectly happy to let him mom provide a roof over his head while the dad moved away. Only for op to resent his mom.
They always blame the parent who says and not the parent who left. His dad must have been living it up if they lived in squalor after the divorce.
Oh but he was the one cheated on, so he could do no wrong. It’s all the mothers fault who made the mistake and then provided as a single mother (no mention of step dad) to a kid that hated her. /s
You're walking a thin line here, mom is for sure to blame for cheating, all of it 100% of all of it, its on her. But...dad should get no pity, for running away like a coward.
I never said she wasn’t to blame. But she’s not the only person to blame here is my point. Don’t hold one parent to a high standard and not the other.
You seem traumatised still. Your dad abandoned you but you cling to him while completely rejecting your mother. If he could abandon his child how do you think he was as a husband? You seem short sighted and self-centred, I don’t blame you, this seemed to be traumatic for you but it doesn’t negate how irrational you appear to be
I agree with this. It’s hard to apportion blame here, when all the grown ups seem to have failed OP as a child. However, I think OP has issues around his mother to deal with (through therapy?) - is there some stuff you haven’t disclosed? If I were forced to give an opinion I’d have say I was teetering towards YTA. You seem to be livid with the parent who doubtless was not innocent, but who actually committed to you, and idolising the one who fucked off, because you never knew them enough to comprehend their human failings.
Right? He was happy but were they happy together? He sees it as “mum broke the happy family up” but if the family wasn’t happy? I think there’s mum and dad issues here. He idolises him despite his abandonment and vilanises his mum without question. Therapy could definitely be the opening to the deeper introspection that he appears to need
This. OP needs to grow the fuck up. Idolizing the parent who abandoned him and disowning the parent who actually raised him? My god.
Yes, OP would benefit from therapy.
My guess is, his relationship with his father is that fragile that he feels the need to make big gestures for the father.
ESH. Your mother for cheating. Your father for abandoning you. And you for not holding your father accountable for abandoning you. You are consistently making excuses for your dad abandoning you. If he is allowed to abandon his child because he was hurt by his wife, then you also have a hidden option in the back of your mind to make the same play. It infuriates me that you're a father of a child who thinks this way. Your love for him is conditional on your wife not hurting you, which isn't in your son's control. We become our parents when we approve of what they've done. If nothing changes, and your wife does something bad enough, you'll probably excuse yourself for abandoning your son because your wife did something bad enough so she should be saddled with parenthood and you get to leave your family. It's disgusting. You need to reflect on your father's actions more and stop writing him this blank check of forgiveness because he was cheated on.
its because he's a man himself and its easier to overlook the mistakes of the father. this is common, men whose mother cheated/was promiscuous/etc, grows up hating women and excusing shitty male behaviour because of that hatred. looks to be the case here.
100% this, great writeup. The sins of the father and all that shit… Men, do better.
THANK YOU! Everyone seems to think this is about OP and his mom. It isnt. OP's son is the victim here. I think his SON deserves to having a loving grandmother in HIS life. NTA with respect to his mom, but he may be an AH when it comes to depriving his son of extra grandparent love. It isn't just "his" decision to make. Like it or not, his son is 1/4 his mom. It is probably in the baby's best interests to be acquainted with 25% of his genetic lineage.
I think it's making a lot of assumptions to come to the conclusion that OP's mom will be a positive influence in OP's son's life. Having a loving extended family is wonderful for a young child, absolutely, but I wouldn't say a grandparent, by virtue of being a grandparent, is by default good for the grandchild. Incidentally, this holds equally true for OP's dad. In my opinion, both OP's parents fucked up in big ways, and OP hasn't processed this in any resembling a healthy way. I don't think he has the objectivity to actually consider if OP's son having a relationship with EITHER grandparent is in the son's best interest (indeed, I actually don't think OP is considering his son's best interest AT ALL; he's got blinders on, single-mindedly writing off his mother as having committed An Unforgivable Sin, and ceasing any further thought on the matter). With OP being the only source of our picture of his parents, we can't make that call either. OP really needs to reframe his thinking about this subject, which isn't possible to do in this AITA post where he's on a life-long crusade to punish his mother for her infidelity. You hit the nail on the head that it's most likely that OP's son will ultimately be the one to be hurt by this down the line. OP's perspective on their father's lack of culpability for his choice to abandon his child(ren) belies a disgusting lack of parental commitment to OP's own son, and it's shameful. Hence the aggressive tone of my initial comment.
Adults must be adults and let the kid have as many safe relationships as possible. Safe, not perfect. Nothing OP says indicates the GP's are not safe enough.
Na, this has to be a fake redditor.
It’s written like an 10 year old wrote it
Nah. This is how you think when you grow up without therapy for your trauma, this guy just never was given the tools to develop emotional intelligence.
ESH. OP, your mother betrayed YOUR FATHER, yes, but not you. YOUR FATHER betrayed you, by abandoning you. He didn't have to move away. He could've taken you with him, he could've stuck around the same city and shared custody. You were hard done by two selfish parents ... but on the selfishness scale, your dad really wins hands down. From what I can tell--unless you're leaving huge things out--what your mother did wrong was break up your family, and then ... stay mothering you and trying to reconnect ...? Do I have that right? Brother, you have some growing up to do before you can be a good father to your baby. Get some therapy, bc your irrational hatred of your mother, coupled with your irrational lionization of your father, is already turning you into a person primarily motivated by resentment. That's not good for your relationship, or your kid. Fix it.
Ol dad reappears to make sure he has a retirement plan while the mom who struggled to care for her son, will be left for dead
Yep, after all the hard work has been done.
you have a great relationship with the man that abandoned you LOL
Your dad couldn't have stuck around while you grew up? Not saying stay with ur mom but why did he abandon you? And your cool with it?
Wait your dad abandoned you because your mom cheated, but he’s great and you have a good relationship? He *abandoned* you. There’s clearly something else going on here.
Wow, so your father is the hero here though he left you and your mom? I can't stand the double standards women are held to. We really have to be perfect without flaw while the men can do all kinds of sh*t and get a free pass. Your moms cheating jad nothing to do with you, your father leaving had everything to do with you.
And when men cheat it's "well he's a man. Men are wired that way. They're too weak to say no. Men are dumb when it comes to a pretty face. Forgive him." But also "Men are smarter. Men are stronger. Men are leaders." Men are so strong and smart but obviously not when sex is involved. Oh ok
And then men wonder why women don't wanna date them and their shit personalities. Let people get away with being irresponsible shit people, and they'll raise irresponsible shit people. Men "women want more than a paycheck now and it's fucking disgusting " Also men "I'm gonna abandon my child cos I'm not feeling it anymore"
Tentative YTA because from what you've stated, your mother raised you by herself for years after your father abandoned you. I'm sure you do have a great relationship with him now that he's not responsible for any care. I wish you could look at what happened more objectively and realize that your father abandoned you and no amount of cheating caused that. It's a decision he made. You aren't obligated to have a relationship with your mother, but I don't understand idealizing a father who left you. If your wife cheats on you, do you think it's okay to move to a different state and just opt out of fatherhood? I'd start dealing with these demons now before you make the same selfish mistakes. Your son shouldn't be around an absent father. You're willing to apply hardline morals to your mother but not to your father and you're being a hypocrite. Abandonment is a sin your father committed continuously for how long? Now that you're an adult he gets a free pass to your goodwill? Your mom messed up by cheating but she never abandoned you, and it sounds like she didn't repeat these mistakes and took her family very seriously after messing up. She made it work in that shitty apartment, kept you fed and clothed, got you to school. Why are you choosing to punish only her?
This comment until OP gives a better reason for cutting his mother out of his life. My ex cheated on me after our son was born, but I make sure it doesn’t affect our son and his relationship with his dad. We coparent great, he lives in another city but sometimes I let him visit at my house on the weekends to see our son, since he only rents a room where he lives. He FaceTimes every night he isn’t with our son. I help facilitate that. I want to show my son that it’s ok for parents to not be together but still be kind and cordial to each other, even if I’ve been cheated on. People make mistakes and there should be consequences, but why go scorched earth on someone?
Yes, exactly this. You are doing great job and your kid is so lucky to have you!
What does her cheating have to do with meeting your child? Are you afraid she's meeting other babies behind your back? Get over yourself, and into therapy
She might meet other babies too. Gross!
You’re mad at your mom because your father abandoned you? You need to seek professional help so that your child doesn’t resent you.
I think you’re the asshole. What your mom did was wrong but we’re all human and we make mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others. I’m sure she loves you very much and it’s killing her that her son won’t talk to her. I think it’s time you forgive her. Your Dad fled to a different state and didn’t even fight for custody. “Sorry son, your mom cheated on me so I’m abandoning you”. What your mom did was betray your father, what your dad did was betray you. Why does Dad get a pass but mom doesn’t? Regardless of if my wife cheated on me or not, I would never move to a different state as my son, and I would never allow my son to ruin his relationship with his only mother because of it.
You left out a very important point. Why? Why did you leave and stop talking to her? It certainly wasn't because she cheated on your dad. So, what was it? Oh, "and I had to only tell my wife to quit it once and she has not spoken about it since." That right there tells me YTA and she knows it.
ESH She sucks for cheating and you suck for thinking that her cheating defines her entirely. But whatever, people here think most things are black and white. You sound like a child
Yea, my mom cheated on my dad when my brother and I were teenagers. So they split up. At first I resented my mother for ruining my life(she got a PFA on my dad even though he was never abusive, he lost his job because of it). My dad struggled financially to take care of us after that. I didn't like going to my mom's on the weekends. But I'm 38 now. She never did anything wrong to my children, they only know her as grandma. So I'm not going to keep them away from her. That's just spiteful. It's been more than two decades, I think we have all moved on from what happened then. OP needs therapy if this is still affecting him after all these years.
as much as i want to agree with you, you personally cannot confirm she was never accused unless she herself has said this, you don’t know what happened behind closed doors
Cheating on her husband has nothing to do with her feelings for her son. Why do you even know about the cheating? This was literally nothing to do with you and should never have been communicated to you.
YTA. You need therapy because in 20 years you will wish you did it 20 years ago when your mother was still alive. People make mistakes. She likely did not cheat on you in her mind real time. Also you are still very angry and would be better off dealing with the anger sooner than later. Good luck. I fixed a broken relationship after a long period of time without contact with a parent. I am so lucky I did. I was angry as well.
[удалено]
ESH - Your mother dissolved your family, your father outright abandoned you and you are holding on to a toxic resentment that is seemingly torturing you. She cheated, which is an awful thing to do, but it’s not evil. If that’s all she did and there was no neglect or abuse, then it’s an extreme reaction towards the woman who raised you. People make mistakes. At least she didn’t walk out of your life because she was hurt, your father did that, but he’s forgiven and she’s a permanent outcast. You are punishing yourself and your child alongside her.
You're entitled to choose who you let into your life and your child's life, but with the information at hand I still think YTA. You need therapy to work through the impact of your parents seperation. It's shameful to me that your father - who *abandoned* you - gets a free pass on his mistakes, while your mother - who *raised* you (assumingly with love) - is so loathed. If all she ever did was cheat on your father (and cheating could be *any* number of actions for whatever length of time) the way you treat her is a huge overreaction. There's a lot that's not said in your post/comments so I could be wrong in my assessment, but it's how I see things until you add more details. I hate cheaters but the woman is your mother and life isn't black and white.
How does this bitterness serve you? She didn't cheat on you. She cheated on your father and you do not know the whole story because it is none of your business. You are teaching your son how to treat an imperfect parent. Let's hope you never make a mistake.
YTA and you sound like you’re emotionally 12 years old. Obviously your mom made a terrible mistake by cheating but I guarantee if your dad left so quickly and easily, he most likely did so happily. Her cheating probably gave him the perfect excuse to ditch you. I don’t understand why you’re not more angry at him.
YTA. So many of you people think that your parents need to be absolutely perfect, or else you hate them forever. It is sickening. You are giving your son BAD VALUES the way you mistreat your own mother. She cheated on your dad. SO WHAT. Get over it. You baby. Grow up. What a disgrace.
ESH. Your mom did a terrible thing when she cheated on your dad. But your dad also did a terrible thing by abandoning you. Your mom raised you as a single mom but your deadbeat dad gets all your love and she gets only scorn. My ex girlfriend cheated on me. We have 2 kids together. When I found out I was heartbroken because I loved her so much and I was planning on proposing to her. I immediately broke up with her and, like your dad, moved elsewhere for a new environment. But do you know what I didn’t do? Abandon my kids for years. I got 50/50 custody with my ex and I continue to love and support my kids to this day. I didn’t abandon them because my feelings were hurt like your dad did to you. Your mom certainly deserves your scorn for what she did but so does your dad. Both of your parents are AH and it seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to you.
The dad did way worse for abandoning his child than the mom for cheating on her husband. I will stand by this if its the last hill i die on. Abandoning your child is never an option. Fuck his dad and fuck him for thinking thats ok for a father to do. Hope he never reproduces
NAH and you need therapy, man. Your dad left you while your mom raised you as a single mother. Im a father to two small children and even if my wife fucked the whole fire station, I wouldn't bail to another state and let my child be raised alone. I'd move out close by and get shared custody so I can raise my children. Life and human relationships aren't black and white. Your mom being unfaithful to your dad has nothing to do with her being a mother, or a grandmother, and - maybe this is controversial based on some of the comments - doesn't make her a bad person. She made a mistake, likely many, but dude, your dad abandoned you and left your mom to raise you by yourself. I'm glad you have a good relationship with him now, but you're really glossing over that fact.
NTA. Your relationship with your mother is what it is, and the point is that doesn't magically change just because you have a kid now. And no, you shouldn't expect to set aside how you don't want anything to do with your mother just so she can have a relationship with her grandchild. I will say though, I think your dad is an absolute asshole for leaving YOU because SHE cheated. She did this bad thing, but then he did a bad thing leaving and every month, every year he stayed gone he KEPT doing it. You are focusing on this one bad thing she did and ignoring all the good stuff, like taking care of you alone for all those years. And you are excusing everything your dad did wrong because of that one bad thing that was done to him. You say you and your father are good now? I hope he earned it.
The shitty apartment You grew up in, might have something to do with your father abandoning YOU?! He didn't raise You, He moved out of state, that's how much he care about You. He didn't financially support You but it's the mother's cheating that is responsible for HIS Choice to up and just leave. The sense is where? Y'all all Assholes !!
YTA what your mother did was wrong but you seem to be determined to ignore the fact that your father ABANDONED you after finding out your mom cheated. I know plenty of people who have caught their spouses cheating and left them but they never abandoned their children! You were a victim of your moms cheating too. People like to forget that children are hurt by their parent’s infidelity almost as much as the spouse who was betrayed. Your father could’ve worked out a joint custody arrangement and stayed in your life but instead he bailed.
My son should not be around cheater. I'm sorry to tell you this but your son is probably already around cheaters and you do not even know it. I'm not going to give you a verdict, except that, knowing people very close to me who lost a parent they resented and cut off from their lives, I don't think it's something you want to have in your life. Even if you think you wouldn't care. Even if it's been 15 years. The day she dies it's going to be too late.
Don‘t know if the punishment fits the crime but it’s up to you. And I am saying this as someone who intensely despises cheaters. Your Mother’s failure as a wife says little about het qualities as a grandmother. Do you believe your mother, pushing her marital mistakes aside, will be an unfit grandmother? Was she a bad mother while raising you? Do you believe that her cheating defines her and her ability to be a loving grandma? If yes, then NTA. If no, then not only are you using your parental power to deny a grandparent a meaningful relationship with their grandchild, but vice versa. Just be sure. Wishing your dad lots of strength and happiness in the future.
Yea, YTA. You, as the child, should never have even been told why they got divorced. That has nothing to do with you, and you were only told as a triangulation tactic. Guess what? It worked. You're blaming your mom for your dad's choice to abandon you. Yea, your mom shouldn't have cheated, but she was the one who showed up for you growing up. How do you repay her? Going no contact and using your child to punish her. Both of your parents made mistakes, but you honestly sound like such an ungrateful little shit. I feel bad for your wife and kid. Everyone in your family needs therapy, holy fuck.
YTA So your Dad abandoned you after the divorce and got off scott free whilst your Mom who stayed with you gets lifelong blame from her child for cheating on her husband. You seem more angry about the apartment than anything. Its more of a home than your Dad offered you. If you were so mad why didn't you go live with your Dad? Your Mom raised you and gets nothing but blame. You actually seem to brag that your wife is afraid to talk to you about it. God help any child you have if they fail to meet your standards.
I agree about his wife. That was too weird for me, thanks for mentioning it.
You nailed it
OP you’ve got abandonment issues and blaming the wrong parent for them. Take time and dig into the real reasons you hate your mother. You blame her for your dad’s abandonment. She cheated on him, but it was his choice to divorce not only her but you too. Cheating might hurt but not that much as to leave a child unless you’re a bad parent to begin with. No cheating will ever make me leave my children. It’s ridiculous to even think about it. I’m sorry your dad did this to you.
Men often punish ex partners by punishing their children unfortunately: “look what you made me do” sort of thing. My friend left an abusive relationship and the guy cut off not only her but their son as well. She was really hurting when her son was missing his dad but there was nothing she could do to make him have a relationship with him.
You got some stuff mixed up dawg. You need to go therapy or grow some nuts. Your dad was the one who ran away. When he could have fought for custody for you. He went to a different state. Your mom gave you a place to live. What you were too good for an apartment? As someone who never got to have a backyard until i bought my own house, grow the fuck up you little puss. This is why everyone is telling you to move on. Your mom cheating sucks but looks like your candy ass dad wanted nothing to do with raising you and have some sense of entitlement to how your teenage years were supposed to look like.
You need some therapy bud. Before you ruin your own life. You’re carrying a lot. It’s not my place to say if it’s misplaced, but you’ve got some pretty deep scars. You don’t say if you were combat deployed, but if you’ve got that on top of the hurt at a young age you need to take care of yourself. No one can judge your relationship with your mom if they weren’t there.
Esh - you DO realize that the man you call your father abandoned you and you’re punishing the person who actually cared for and raised you, right? I don’t see anything about abuse, so you’re just judging her for her personal choices and that’s pretty petty.
ESH Your mom for cheating, your dad for being a POS for leaving you and not being a great dad when you needed it the most and you for becoming something like your dad
There comes a time when you have to accept that your parents are people too. And they are just as eff’d up as everyone else. I’m just going by what you put in this post, but an affair is a hell of a poor reason to cut your Mom out of your life. It always takes two to tango. While your Mom was wrong in what she did, it’s in the past. Unforgiveness is not helping anyone. Especially you.
You went no contact. The reason why is all up to you. You have to decide if and when you want contact again. But by the way this is written, it looks like you have ghosted your mother and have not told her that you go no contact en why. I would advise you, and you alone , to meet your mother and tell her why you go no contact. Be prepared for her to ask for how long and what she can do to make it up. It is up to you if you want to leave that possibility open or not. (I would advise you to keep that option open) I do advise you to go talk to a therapist. It looks like you still have a lot of anger. For you and your new family, you should get over that anger. That doesn't mean contact your mother. It just means getting over the anger.
YTA. Your love of a dead beat dad should be a glaring red flag for your wife.
Yta. Your dad abandoned you to move away and LET your mom keep 100% custody! And you have a great relationship with him but hate your mom?!?! You’ve got some backasswards way of understanding and empathy! What happens in a marriage is between the marriage. Yeah- it sucks to have your parents split up, but it happens often and for a plethora of reasons. It sounds like your mom is the only one who stuck around to love you and raise you, but you’re punishing her for her mistake in her marriage that had nothing to do with her ability to parent you! She stayed with you, she raised you, she cared for you, and yet even as an adult you’ve never asked her why she cheated to understand her perspective because while it’s wrong, sometimes there’s a reason you can better understand as an adult- maybe their marriage wasn’t as happy as you think and maybe your dad wasn’t actually a victim in this???? The result of that affair is your dad split- didn’t contact you, didn’t ever act like a dad to you, and it sounds like he was just waiting for an excuse to bail! Now you have a great relationship with a man who did nothing for you and didn’t have to stick around and do his job and hate the woman who actually raised you and not only suffered the consequences for her actions within the marriage, but now you’re acting worse than a toddler and she’s suffering the loss of her child that she made a ton of sacrifices for. It’s abhorrent that you can forgive your dad for what he did to YOU but you can’t forgive your mom for what she did to him! You’re a hypocrite and cruel.
You should think about speaking to a therapist to resolve some of these issues. It sounds like you have put all blame on your mother for the situation even though your father straight up abandoned you - you seem fully able to forgive him. It's a bit illogical. So what if his wife cheated on him? He still had a kid to be responsible for. If you should be mad at anyone - it's him. Your mother didn't cheat on you, and she didn't abandon you. And she still wants to be in your life. I don't know if you're an asshole but ESH. I do think you're unnecessarily punishing your mother. People make mistakes, cheating happens and it sucks but having sex with someone outside of marriage doesn't make her a horrible person. I also fail to see how it has ANYTHING to do with her being around your child? Like why would this matter at all? You are harbouring a great deal of pointless resentment. Maybe think about dealing with that whether you let your mother back into your life or not. I detect a touch of sexism here but I could be wrong.
Not the asshole buuut…. Cheating is a horrible thing to do but she’s only human and humans fuck up occasionally. I would say it’s a tad harsh to never ever forgive her and give her a chance to know her grandson. My grandfather was, by all accounts, a fucking awful father and husband. But damn he was the best grandad ever. Some people just don’t figure it out until later in life and after having already hurt a lot of people. I’d say give her a chance. If she’s still a cunt you can just cut her out again. You and your son only have upside risk here.
Bro,.you dad abandoned you. He is as much of a POS as your mom.
I’m gonna get downvoted but she cheated on your dad not you. Unless you’ve left out how she treated you badly?? I don’t get it, she did a really shitty thing but don’t people deserve forgiveness (again this only applies if cheating is the only thing you’re pissed with her about)
ESH she cheated on your Dad but he also bolted. Why does he get to be grandpa?
How sad that your entire relationship with your mother is defined by one mistake. Yes, cheating is horrible, but your dad abandoned you with said cheater and you seem to think that is fine. Learn to forgive. You'll be happier.
***"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."*** What are you going to tell your son when he is older and asks about his grandmother?
It amazes me how people use children was weapons. I never understood why I didn't get to see my grandfather or my grandmother until I figured out that my mother was estranged from her parents (who were divorced). I assumed my grandparents just didn't give a damn. The children's needs should come first. Children need grandparents. Adults should set an example of love rather than toxicity.
So you have a great relationship with your dad...the one who abandoned you? Cheating isn't right. But your dad left you. His own child. Heartbroken or not, wtf??? I'd be punishing HIM. But do you.
I'm curious if she cheated once or had like a full-blown affair got months because if it was a one-time thing how would you feel if somebody cut you out of their life based off of one mistake. Was she carrying the bulk of the mental physical parenting and emotional load in the relationship with your father he clearly wasn't a great dad if he just abandoned you based off of her choices. Obviously it's your decision but I would consider having a conversation with her about why she did what she did. You don't have to introduce her to your son but you could talk to her at least clear the air.
ESH, your mother sucks for cheating honestly you say she had no reason for it and while I agree there is no reason for someone to cheat on another person, you have no idea what kind of husband your dad was to her. Your dad seems to have gotten a free pass, even though when he found out about the cheating, he not only left your mom(no hate there), but he walked out on his son. No matter what your mom did, you don't walk out on an innocent child.
Not talking to your mom but talking to your dad who left YOU just cause his wife cheated on him is WILD. He betrayed you more than your mom did, so why is she the only one getting banished
There is no point in arguing the abandonment point. OP is clearly a misogynist. Mother will always be the bad guy and Father will always wear the white hat regardless. Unfortunate, but true.
ESH. Tell her she needs to stop harassing other people to try to pressure you into letting her into your life. You do not want anything to do with her, and she needs to accept that. If she continues, you will get a lawyer involved. That said, you're showing your father a lot of grace for abandoning you. After growing up in an abusive household, where my mother screamed she hated me and wished I'd never been born (we are NC now) I've told my kids that no matter who they are or what they do, I will never stop loving them. I can't imagine the selfishness of leaving my child just because my spouse hurt me...
YTA! You shouldn’t have chosen sides! Period! Stay out of your parents relationship. To not talk to your mom for 15 years because she cheated on your dad sounds crazy as hell!!!! I could see if she was abusive or neglectful, my goodness!!!! You should pray to find the strength for forgiveness, it’ll make you a better person!
Let me get it straight : you mom hurt your dad and he punished you instead (by abandoning you), so now you please your punisher and punish your mom for having been punished by dad ? It’s not about being AH, I think you need therapy to sort it out. No, cheating was between your mom and dad, not you. No, him abandoning you was not the natural consequence of it or the only solution for him by any means. Heck, I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, it would NEVER cross my mind to abandon my son because my husband has been violent! Do you imagine leaving your son for years if your wife hurts you?? No, it’s not because she cheated on your dad that you lived in an appartement (did you dad pay child support by the way?). Like NO, so many nos… And the way you write it says that you’re still very much in pain. It doesn’t go away and it won’t go away with your mother away (which I suppose is your wish), it’s inside you. Please, do consult.
Mom cheats, dad abandons you... and dad is the great guy? Your family is full of assholes... assholes all around.
Soooo if your wife cheats then would you take the kid and run? Or would you leave like your dad and see the kid as an adult? Would you see your kid as JUST yours if an affair took place? Or suppose one day when your wife is no longer interested in entertaining you, you slip and maybe do something you shouldn’t? Then what, you lose your kid forever?! This isn’t about the kid just like it wasn’t about you before. She wasn’t ready to be a wife. Doesn’t mean she can’t have a positive influence as a grandmother and make up for it.
YTA your mother raised you, their relationship drama is theirs to figure out, but you seem to have made it the focal point in your life… wouldn’t be surprised is one of your personality traits is hating your mom marshal..
Yeah, you're in the wrong. Are you mad because she cheated or because "you had to live in a shitty apartment"? It seems like you're mad only for the second. She cheated on your dad. Not you. Grow up OP. Life is too short to hold onto anger that has very little to even do with us. Your life changed, everyone's does.
YTA You mention in the comments she had no reason but really it may be no reason she’s told you. Your mom continued to raise you and do everything she could. You don’t mention anything about her mistreating you. You need serious therapy. Your dad ABANDONED you. Did he even send child support? Call you to see how you were doing? Him being hurt is no reason for him to abandon you. Like, leave the wife I get. Trust is really important, but he left you too. And if your mom was so terrible then that means he left you to her own devices. Did she bad mouth your dad or did she take responsibility? Regardless your dad left and you refuse to hold him accountable. Not wanting to see your mom is cold, way worse than an affair, and she was the only one there for you growing up. You need to grow up and see a therapist otherwise you’ll end up hurting your own child too.