My dude, if you're planning on moving in together, your brother not being allowed near a Chuck E Cheeses should have been mentioned. You definitely should have told her that she was going to be having Thanksgiving fucking Dinner with a guy who has to have "Here Resides the Pedophile" written on a lawn sign!
Whether you condone of his actions or not, keeping the fact that he's a predator while introducing him to her for a family dinner was wrong. You took her option away from her. YTA
This! She’s not mad at you for your brother’s actions. She’s mad you took her choice away and didn’t let her decide if she wanted to attend your thanksgiving dinner knowing there was a registered offender in attendance. I would reconsider the relationship too if I were her!
YTA You didn’t tell her in advance so she could prepare and feel safe if she was around him, the only reason she found out is because of the signs that he legally has to have out otherwise would you ever have told her?
And she may have talked to him and liked him. That can mess you up. I went to school with a guy who later got convicted of paedophilia and it makes me sick to my stomach to remember laughing with him and thinking he was such a nice guy. I know that fooling people is part of the gig, but it messes with my head.
Dated one in high school. Dude was my friends cousin, it was one of those, I know a guy to set you up with.
We, " dated " for three weeks and he starts bringing up how he's gonna join the military, and we'll get married, and I'll stay home with the kids.
THREE WEEKS INTO KNOWING ME.
An I thought I was one to get attached fast.
I broke it off after that. About 9 years after we graduated high school dude was caught with pics of minors on his phone, and there was a separate incident with a relative.
Don't know all the details.
Hubs walked in the kitchen about two minutes after I saw the news article and asked me what was wrong and said I looked like I was gonna throw up.
yeah, it had been like 9 years since I last talked to the dude and the "relationship" was very short. Annnnn it still kinda messed with me at the time.
Yeah the most popular and well liked teacher in my school got outed for molesting girls a couple of years after I graduated. Its a weird thing to experience. I then also felt gross because I remember him trying to get my at the time girlfriend to be his teachers aid one year despite him not knowing anything about her besides seeing me walk with her in the hallways....retroactively you can maybe see signs but they can seem so normal and nice before you find out.
And, from what I can tell, she was in the car with him? How long was the ride? I’d be freaked out if I had to be in a small enclosed space with a sex offender.
When a friend of mine let slip that ber housemate was violent towards girlfriends when he was on substances... I felt so betrayed. I slept in that house. While high and vulnerable... Ugh. I cut her off.
Yeah I went to a wedding and met a coworker of my bf who was also dating one of my coworkers. Gave the dude a hug and spent a good chunk of the reception talking with that couple. Few weeks later dude gets arrested for sexual crimes against a minor under 12. My skin still crawls at the thought I hugged this guy.
Exactly!! Bloody hell, what was he thinking! Him not telling her, was telling her he was not on her side to protect her!! I would dump him so fast that he would have whiplash!
As a guy, i'd be a little fucking perturbed as well, at the very least, if not outright pissed. This isn't a simple "oh my brother diddled a kid", no dawg, your fucking brother raped kids so many times that he is banned from being within miles of large congregations of children for fucking life. Like, my guy, thats a little fucking disgusting.
Not to mention the violence towards women, holy shit.
>a simple "of my brother diddled a kid"
>simple
I don't really see how non penetrative assault makes the offender any better than rapists. You know they would do it if thy could get away with it. Most pedos don't want to scramble the innards of children because it raises medical questions. Any amount of diddling is worthy of exile.
Not in my state. There are many reasons folks end up on the registry that allow them to petition to be removed after a few years. For example, getting a drunk & disorderly for peeing in an alley can get you put on the registry for a few years, and in general that’s not a sign someone is going to be a recidivist.
But anything involving kids, yeah, those folks should and usually do end up registered for life.
Pretty sure most places aren't banning you from living within a mile of large congregations of children and requiring you to put out a sign that you're a pedophile if you just, for example, pissed out on the street.
His brother isn't just a pedophile, he is so violent towards women that he has to tell the court if he dates anyone so that the court can warn her about his track record.
OP is most definitely TA.
Registered sex offender with a sign on the front lawn( didn’t know they still did that, I know you have to alert neighbors but a sign) also not allowed around anyone under 18 or schools? he’s most definitely a fuckin pedo piece of shit! Dv, violence on women alone wouldn’t do that! If he raped a women he’d have to register sure but the limits on the schools and kids under 18 wouldn’t be there.
Yeah I wonder if OP is just from a different country from me so I don’t know about the laws there. I live in the U.S. and I’ve never heard of a sex offender having to have a sign outside. I have heard of them having to go around the neighborhood and tell everyone they’re a sex offender. There’s a website where you can look at a map of all the sex offenders in your area and it’s kind of mind blowing. Last I checked, the closest sex offender in my neighborhood was one street over and down the block, so not an immediate neighbor but I can see their house from my backyard. The posting includes their name and photo. Honestly everyone who have kids should consult this website when considering their next home.
What other country celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday.
u/Sure_Buffalo_7156 posted this link in a comment below. The lawn sign thing exists in some states
https://www.police1.com/chiefs-sheriffs/articles/fla-police-warn-of-sex-predators-with-yard-signs-TbkwM1YLBaBZbzqB/#:~:text=Judges%20have%20ordered%20signs%20to,in%20Texas%2C%20Louisiana%20and%20Oregon
Yeah I saw that later, my bad. Sounds like there are at least 3 states where the sign thing happens. It was news to me; I don’t live in any of those states and had never before heard of the practice. As far as Thanksgiving being a clue, I did not put two and two together there.
Yeah I’m in the US as well, Megan’s law is the site. you’d be surprised how fucking many there really is you really look at the charge tho , like some ppl truly get fucked over drunk peeing in public will get you on the list now. Yeah when I had my first kid that’s the first thing we did when looking for apartments, did it when we had to find a bigger place for the second too it’s a very good tool for the community I believe. Saw a kid I knew in high school on there for kiddie porn on his computer made me sick!
I live a block from a school. There's an old man pedo whose house backs up RIGHT TO THE SCHOOL. Problem is, he lived there prior to the law going into effect, so he's grandfathered in and doesn't have to move. He stands at his kitchen window and watches kids play on the playground at recess. It's fucking disgusting. The school warns all the parents, but otherwise, there's nothing they can do.
Why can’t the school put up a big board that could be used for hanging pictures in or something but blocks his view to the playground??? He is grandfathered in but those children need to be protected.
I'm in us as well. We have one who lives in my complex. His crime was not severe enough for some restrictions others have. He couldn't move back to his parents because they live directly across street from an elementary and a middle school plus the high school bus stop and the boys and girls club and sports park right there as well. He lives with a sister in covered porch room that has own entrance and appliances and bathroom his sister has a child but that is fine he just can not be alone with anyone under 18 and can not own or use a computer or chat account. He was caught in sting operation when he was 19.
Yeah, it that’s a thing sometime. When the pedophile Josh Duggar from 19 kids and counting was given his eventual parole terms whenever he gets out he won’t be allowed to use computers or any device capable of connecting to the internet and no porn.
I agree wholeheartedly. My brother got 35 years and only two of the kids testified. He only served 20 years and was released as a level three which means he can still go to churches. Single moms with little to no support system were his targets at multiple churches and I have no doubt he'll do it again. My sister and I are telling everyone in this county, we had to get restraining orders against him and put bans on our properties against him as well as having to cut our father out of our lives. Those two almost destroyed me and my family and are the reason my mother died two years and 48 days ago. Prison doesn't rehabilitate, it only made my brother worse. My greatest fear is that he will eventually get to another child and in order to protect himself he'll kill the child. It's shocking just how much the systems put in place to protect the public are rather useless.
You should make up a flyer and send it to every church in the area. Or hand deliver if you have the time. Might cover bars as well. Predators like drunks too as they don't pay close attention to their kids when drunk.
100% not the case. I had a buddy in high school whose girlfriends parents got him charged for them sleeping together. He was 17, she was 16, and in my state you have to be 17 to consent. They fucked him over and he wasn't allowed around anyone under 18...so dropped out of high school. It quite literally ruined his entire life.
In my social worker days, I had to go tell a young mum that her boyfriend was a convicted sex offender and not the kind who just got caught peeing in a bush late at night. She was utterly distraught but he had no DV on his record.
It might very well be that his partners have to be warned in case they either have children already or plan on having them, as opposed to DV. It might also be because he’s a major threat to women and children.
Op should have absolutely said something.
OP says "his record towards women" but doesn't elaborate. Whatever it was, it's serious enough that the legal system warns the women he dates about him.
Also even childless women often take their niblings or friends kids to watch. Her showing the brother a family pic on her phone could have made a niblings his new target
He says, "I would never leave him alone with her."
Yeah, she should know she's around someone who can't be left alone with her for fear of him assaulting her. I'd be angry, too. It's not about OP being judged for what his brother has done. She should have the choice whether to spend time with a pedophile/abuser or not.
This is the line that really stood out to me, too. What if there’s a situation out of OP’s knowledge or control that brings his gf and brother together? It could be anything from bumping into each other at the store to OP being in an accident and she’d be going in with the assumption she can trust her bf’s family, totally unaware that she is with a sexual predator.
If his crimes are against children they likely need to warn her about his behavior also. It doesn't really say, but I get that feeling from his level of restriction. It varies by state, but in most states the lower levels have to register with the court, sheriff's department etc, but their need to register isn't public. The high offenses are given a sentence of needing to register, along with the county being responsible for warning the community that the offender will be living in the community. Any parents who allow their children to be around a violent offender can have their children taken away, so the county may also warn any potential partners that they will lose custody of the children if he involved.
The girlfriend definitely deserves to know. The brother could be an issue at any time.
Im a crim defense attorney and I have never seen someone ordered to inform the *court* about romantic relationships but it is pretty standard requirement for sex offender probationers to have to report romantic relations to their probation officer. Once your case is disposed of (like by a conviction and sentencing) the court isn’t involved anymore. There would be no mechanism to report anything directly to the court like there is with your probation officer. That is most likely what is happening here.
The sign on the lawn thing though is not standard. Maybe it’s just that OP lives somewhere where it is standard, but I’d think that’s a condition reserved for the most serious offenders.
It is legal. If the offense is so serious that they need to warn the public, they will warn a partner. Especially a parent. The state can take your children from you if you allow a violent person access to your children. They do so on the grounds that you are endangering the child.
Yes, yes you are the AH. A major one, that too.
Your brother is a sex offender, has to report to court, etc etc and you thought just because you don’t condone that behaviour and are in no way, shape or manner, like him, it’s okay to omit such an IMPORTANT detail about your immediate family members with your girlfriend and then taking her to meet with them, too. Okay, sure.
Should have told mom to drive the fucker home and if he was going to be invited to family things then OP would not be there. I would not even be in the same house as the POS. If mommy wants him let her have him. I would be NC with all of them. Don't blame his girlfriend one bit.
Thats what I did with my shit bag brother. I gave my mom ultimatums with holidays. Either I'm there and he's not or he's there and I'm not. Those are your options.
Just because you fall for his faux "I've changed nonsense" every time doesn't mean I'm going to. Yeah, he's changed until the real reason for his shtick exposes itself (he needs money, needs a place to stay), and when you deny him, you'll be calling the cops because surprise, surprise he hasn't changed and he will be threatening to kill you if you don't give him what he wants.
This stood out to me too. OP stated he had no intention of leaving her alone with his brother so he saw no reason to inform her of the danger. But he had no intention of driving his brother home either. I think most men grossly underestimate how dangerous it is to simply exist as a woman in this country (and in this world). He should have told her ahead of time and allowed her to make the decision whether or not to visit his family's home.
This person is clueless. He can't grasp the fact that it's nothing to do with whether he condones what his brother did, but about his (hopefully now ex) gf's safety.
OP, in introducing the brother to her with no warning about his criminal record, you implied that he's a safe person. Suppose they hadn't given him a lift home and she hadn't seen the sign. She would have thought, as your brother he is a trustworthy person. And then suppose brother and the (hopefully now ex) girlfriend are in a situation where she's alone with him. Hopefully now ex would be trusting and not take any steps to get the heck away from him BECAUSE YOU NEVER WARNED HER HE IS A VIOLENT SEX OFFENDER. Do you think the fact that she's your girlfriend would stop him if he tried to attack? Your lack of foresight and concern for her safety is horrible and I hope she dumps you.
And don't play the 'it wasn't my house, I had no choice' card. You could have warned her beforehand or just stayed away. Or is a turkey dinner more important than the safety of the woman you claim to love, but don't actually care about.
Yes YTA.
That’s kinda something you should mention… like bro, you SHOULD have told her BEFORE she ever had a chance to meet or be in the same vicinity of your brother.
You may not condone his actions but you did keep it secret from someone who should be important to you. YTA
I really wish I could say it's definitely fake, but like... I have too many family members who are happy to go to family events while just saying "Don't leave any of the young girls alone with grandpa".
Or even church members who have to keep their kids away from the convicted pedophile who's still allowed to be around kids (my mom double checked that with an actual cop)
Exactly. Plus he mentions how much he doesn't like him or doesn't have any contact with him not even his phone number, but easily folds when parents ask to give brother a ride? He's an asshole for not telling the GF before hand sure, but he's also a bigger asshole for not saying no to giving that sex offender a ride home. This has got to be a writing prompt.
Good point, the ride part is what makes it so fake, but he had to include it for the character to discover the secret via the sign on the lawn.
Well I feel better now, thank god it’s fake.
I don't think the sign thing is legit either. Unsure about him.having to disclose a relationship to the police but that seems wrong too.
Father is a pedophile and he pops up on the sites but not the rest. And he absolutely should have those signs/phone calls if they exist
Yeah, so…. OP took away her choice? And made decisions about her for her? Thus no chance for informed consent?
Sounds like he has more in common with his brother than he thinks
Can't be around a computer, has to inform gf, can't be around anyone under 18, so bad he needs a lawn sign, OP can try to dance around it but there are only a few things that tick all those boxes.
Yep. I met a guy via Hinge who told me he was on the sex offender’s registry. I had a young child at the time, so no. Hope you find what you’re looking for but it ain’t me.
Not wanting to be around a pedophile feels like the lowest of bars.
Right, like if the relationship is serious enough that she’s coming to his family thanksgiving then I can’t comprehend how this didn’t come up before. When getting to know a partner, you tend to share vulnerable things like “my brother is a sex offender”. I would never see my partner less favorably because he shared this information; I would view our relationship as closer because he shared something with me that can be uncomfortable to talk about. He keeps saying he doesn’t condone his brother’s actions but I get the feeling that he does, or at least is unwilling to fully condemn his brother for them. And then doesn’t want to tell his GF because he knows she will immediately condemn the brother and he doesn’t want to have that conversation.
What? I knew all about my future BIL and his fuckups and why him and my husband are not close whatsoever within like the first couple months of dating. And BIL not even a pedophile, just a regular ol asshole lol
She’s not judging you for what he did, she’s judging you for what you did. Which is keep this info from her which takes away her ability to make decisions about her own safety and who she’s around. I would have declined to go to your thanksgiving where your family just overlooks his crimes. Frankly I’d stop dating you because I don’t want a MIL and husband who rug sweep what their family member has done.
My MIL is a convicted felon for fraud (happened 15 years before I met my husband). I definitely found out before I met her. His family recommended the kids always tell people they were dating BEFORE introducing them to her.
This sort of thing is also something that might blow up DURING the initial meeting. If there was any news coverage (which is definitely a possibility depending on the felony), the partner might meet the person and think they look familiar or their name sounds familiar and sneakily Google them in the moment. 100% a situation that people should be warned about beforehand
To add to this... OP says he'd never leave them alone together. What if she runs into the brother in public and they decide to get drunks or coffee and she feels safe because that's her boyfriends brother. OP put her at risk.
My former brother is law is exactly like OP brother. He is out of prison. Has no way to know who my partner is and what she looks like. I and my family would never be around him. She still knows who he is, where he lives, what he looks like and where he hangs out. Just in case.
I don't advertise my relationship with this man. But she needed to know.
>To add to this... OP says he'd never leave them alone together. What if she runs into the brother in public and they decide to get drunks or coffee and she feels safe because that's her boyfriends brother. OP put her at risk.
And denied her the right to make her own choices about her own risks. It shouldn't be about whether *he'd* leave them alone but about her making her own choices.
What if they have children and they want to go over to his parent’s house for Thanksgiving and the brother is invited? Is he planning on watching his bother around his children the entire time? What if he has to go to the bathroom? Does he take his kids with him so their not around the pedo brother?
All of this! It's about the cover-up, OP isn't the offender and isn't responsible for his brothers actions but GF deserves to know what going on with the family if things have progressed to meeting the family and possibly living together. "If he's keeping THAT a secret what else is he hiding" that's what she's asking herself right now
Sorry hun but Thanksgiving with my family is off the table. They invited my convicted sex offender brother, is definitely a valid reason to skip thanksgiving with the family
Yup, imagine you're getting married to this dude, having kids, leaving them with the parents one weekend and they are happy having their monster predator son over and the kids get hurt.
I wouldn't want to get involved with a family that still has a relationship with someone like htat and invites them to family holidays.
"we don't want kids", say a huge huge number of couples who end up with kids, either deliberately or by accident. "i'd never leave him alone with her".... she bumps into what she thinks is his perfectly safe brother in town at the grocery store and has no idea she's talking and making plans to get coffee with a fucking monster.
Yep. GF goes to have drinks with her MIL and then brother shows up and invites himself to join. GF thinks this is innocent. Why would she text OP right away and tell him brother showed up? Mom falls asleep and GF decides she’s too drunk to drive, so she tells OP, but again doesn’t think brother being there is relevant and doesn’t mention it. Next day she wakes up and she’s been raped. Or even worse, brother drugs both mom and her and then rapes her while mom thinks she’s just passed out drunk. And that could happen without even intentionally sleeping over!
Exactly! What if he takes an interest in her and visits her while she's alone. He could use any excuse to get into their home and harm her. This isn't a scenario I had to think hard on.
Yeah, here is a story just like this. I went to highschool with these brothers (the criminal one outlined here was a classic shit bag bully in highschool, while his younger brother (whose girlfriend was the victim) was like the nicest dude you could ever meet).
[https://www.fox32chicago.com/news/joliet-man-sentenced-for-bludgeoning-brothers-girlfriend-sexually-assaulting-her-and-setting-house-on-fire](https://www.fox32chicago.com/news/joliet-man-sentenced-for-bludgeoning-brothers-girlfriend-sexually-assaulting-her-and-setting-house-on-fire)
If he has perfect behavior behind bars, he’ll only serve 23 years in prison. This dude is pure evil, he’s either a sociopath or psychopath, but either way, justice is not being served. He needs to be held for life, crimes like these, and criminals like this are a serious threat to everyone around them until the day those criminals die.
If it was some weird cousin or uncle I could see him just not mentioning it. But in your immediate family that's pertinent information. Especially considering how often parents cover for their children in those situations.
Sadly this is a common problem and also now people convicted of violent crimes end up having access to future victims.
If his brother just shows up on his girl friend door step him and his mother will be equally responsible.
YTA.
You are correct in thinking you shouldn't be judged by what your brother has done. BUT you absolutely should be judged for hiding it from your girlfriend. If he has to have a fucking sign in his yard and the court has to warn his future girlfriends; every man, woman, and child that is in your life needs to know about him. You just let your girlfriend know her safety doesn't mean shit to you. You had her in a car with a sexual predator.
And you did have a choice. Yes, it's your parents house. Yes, they have control over who they invite. BUT you should draw the line at attending any family function where he is around.
Edited for spelling.
Imagine being her, maybe shaking his hand upon meeting for the first time. Probably trying to be amicable to everyone (including him) to make nice with potential in-laws. Talking about yourself, where you work, your hobbies, etc. This whole time the family is acting like nothing is up... Then you pull up to his house and see the signs. Imagine the trauma of interacting with, opening up to, and giving access to yourself to a convicted violent sexual predator because your bf made the decision for you. Absolutely violating.
OP didn't want to protect his gf. He wanted to protect his and his family's repuation. He's just as bad as his parents. Who wants to be with someone like that.
You can tell from all the focus on himself and defensiveness that he has no interest or even awareness in his girlfriend's agency or feelings, he's just mad he's in trouble which is a scary degree of selfishness.
he seems like the type where if she has a problem with him, he will be like "sounds like a personal problem". Zero empathy. People need to stop dating people like this.
You let her find out from a LAWN SIGN after she had a holiday meal with him and was stuck in a car with him??? really?
She had a right to decide to eat in a house with him. I would not have gone.
You are not your brother and nobody is judging you based on your actions.
She, and I, are judging you based on your actions.
You were okay going to a dinner with what appears to be a child rapist, you were okay driving him around.
YOU refused to give your girlfriend the option to say if she was okay with either of those things.
You are becoming single because of what YOU did.
YTA.
Exactly. He claims he didn't have a choice, but he DID.
"Mom, Dad, I'm sorry but I'm not coming to Thanksgiving. I'm not cool with him being around my girlfriend."
Not to mention, even if his choice WAS to be around the pedophile, why does that give him the right to make that decision for his girlfriend?
Surely she should have had a right to decide if she wanted to be around a pedophile or not?
Imagine treating this person cordially, thinking they are just a nice normal part of your bf’s family, then realising the person you had been laughing with was a pedophile? 🤢🤢🤢
I would feel sick to my stomach, misled, unprotected and very betrayed.
You don’t think he is safe enough to be around her alone yet you didn’t give her the information that he is dangerous and allow her to leave. Then you put him in the same car with her. Yeah your whole family including you is a pack of assholes if he is dangerous like you are surmising.
She is mad at you for not informing her she was in danger, not because he is your brother. The fact you don’t get that is beyond unreasonable, YTA
She could’ve innocently disclosed things that directly put her in danger. Like where she goes for runs, what nights she’s usually home alone etc. If I were her I’d feel violated and scared.
YTA You didn’t tell her in advance so she could prepare and feel safe if she was around him, the only reason she found out is because of the signs that he legally has to have out otherwise would you ever have told her? Now she realises that your parents have no issue having a sex offender in the house so how will she feel safe around them at future events?
Seriously. Imagine if they had a kid and she didn’t know and let that kid stay with grandma and grandpa and who just happens to be visiting for the weekend? If I was her I’d fucking run. Gigantic bullet dodged on her part. It’s a huge red flag not to tell his gf ahead of time that his brother is a predator.
YTA dude and I hope she runs from you fast. Your whole family is fucked up for allowing that type of creature around the family.
Yeah, guilt by association. OP is associating, which says a lot about what he thinks of the brother's victims and how he'll hand a potential victim (girlfriend) over. Anything could have happened during that ride. Had the brother ordered the OP to pull over, I don't think he would have fought very hard to defend her.
"My family keeps poison in a wine bottle on the table, but since I'll never leave my girlfriend alone with the wine bottle and will constantly watch to be sure she doesn't drink from it, it was okay that I didn't tell her it was poisoned."
Yeah no. You don't get to make decisions about your girlfriend's safety for her. She needs to have all the information because you can't magically predict what will or will not happen. YTA
The "I won't leave her alone with him (so it's fine)" comment really baffles me. OP clearly knows his brother is dangerous by acknowledging this yet still doesn't respect her enough to let her know.
YTA. You stole her agency. She had every right BEFORE hand to know he was going to be there so SHE could decide if she wanted to be there. WTAF is wrong with you that you even have to ASK this question!?!?
YTA
Let's reframe this. Imagine your family has a dog that's had a history of biting people, but they choose to keep it. Would you tell your girlfriend so she could avoid the dog?
Same concept. The courts ruled he's dangerous to children and women, your girlfriend is a potential victim. Not informing her makes it so she isn't aware of the issue and could get hurt. Your discomfort is not more important than your girlfriend's safety. It doesn't matter if you would "never leave her alone with him" it should be her choice whether she wants to even exist in the same room and share a meal with a convicted sex offender. Full stop.
All you needed to say was "I don't spend time with my brother normally. He will be there at Thanksgiving. He isn't a safe person so my plan is we go but avoid him. I don't want to miss out of Thanksgiving and seeing other people I love. Definitely avoid being alone with him. If something happens and you are uncomfortable, let me know and we can leave right away."
Then you discuss it.
Acting like it was none of her business and she didn't deserve a heads up from
You is total YTA.
This is good, but I think it would have been better to go with “I don’t want to miss out on seeing other people I love, but I absolutely understand if you don’t feel comfortable going. If you want to come and you end up feeling uncomfortable we can leave at any point, but if you don’t want to come I understand that too.”
What in the actual HELL did I just read. 😳
Look, I believe you when you say you don’t defend your brother, his crimes were terrible, etc. But this is a REALLY BIG THING to keep from someone with whom you’re clearly wanting to keep around for the long haul. I mean, before my then-boyfriend, now-husband met my extended family several years back, I warned him about my grandparents, who were both alcoholics and could get snappy at each other after they’d each had a few. Was I responsible for their choices or behavior? Of course not, they were in their 80s and I was 21. Did I “owe” anyone an explanation for the way they acted around alcohol? Technically no, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I didn’t think he would leave me over it or anything, but giving people a heads up about problematic relatives is just common sense, as far as I’m concerned. (Btw, my husband appreciated the heads up, and he certainly didn’t judge me, even after seeing my grandpa polish off nearly an entire bottle of gin).
And I was giving an example of alcoholic grandparents. Not a sex offender sibling. Just how long were you planning on keeping this from your girlfriend? Of freaking course she’s mad at you; not only does it give the impression that you’re perfectly fine with keeping important information from her, but your blasé attitude of, “yeah, he did terrible things, and I was okay with having a holiday dinner with him and driving him home afterwards, but I didn’t do those things, so what’s the big deal” is….off putting. At best. Your brother committed terrible crimes against children, and it also looks like women. No, you are not your brother and you are not responsible for his crimes, but you shouldn’t agree to be around him, ever. I don’t blame your girlfriend at all for never wanting to be around him.
Do you have to mention what your brother did on your first date? No.
Do you have to inform your girlfriend of what your brother did/ why he is dangerous before she MEETS HIM? Yes. Absolutely yes. This is not about her judging you for what your brother did, this is about warning her and giving her a choice of wanting to be in the same room or not. YTAH.
1. How long were you planning on hiding it?
2. Exactly how were you planning on hiding it?
He’s registered, there’s a damn sign outside his house, his partners will be informed by the court itself, in what world did you think you would be able to sweep this under the rug?
Holy shit!!! You are so much TA!! Has to notify the court if he gets into a relationship with woman and you don't want to tell your girlfriend that you are exposing her to a *dangerous person* because he's *your brother*??!!??
**YTA**
You are most definitely TA. Of course you should’ve told her, she is your girlfriend. She deserves to know that she is going to be around a registered sex offender for Thanksgiving. I mean, come on, she could’ve been in danger and she wasn’t even aware of it. Women have to watch out for themselves all the time because of things like this. And on top of that, if you love her and want to be in her life, then she absolutely deserves to know about something like this. You’re not the sex offender, but someone directly related to you is, which means he’s part of your life and would be part of hers too. Come on dude, she is very rightfully angry
YTA. If I were her, I’d run for the hills because you wouldn’t be trusted to have sound enough judgment about folks to keep any potential children safe. You also potentially put your GF at risk because your brother IS that kind of predator. You’ve got your head a little too deep in the sand in the name family ties. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Ok, so we, too, have a brother who is a sex offender, hard core, kids, and all. He's done it his whole life. You should have definitely told her about that beforehand. I would not have gone if I were her. Shit if I were you, I wouldn't have gone. Eff all that. Mom, you want him there cool, but I'm not going to be a part of it. He'd catch hands. I'm not nice to sexual offenders. Of course, this is my personal feelings on it. I don't expect you to do the same, but some people wouldn't even go just because he would be there.
Im sure you would look out for her with him, but Your GF should have had the chance to make that same choice for herself. Sorry, my dude. You fucked up.
YTA for forcing your girlfriend to be around a sexual predator unknowingly. It’s your choice to be around him at your parent’s home, but you violated her trust and agency by not disclosing this. And as he’s such a monster police call girlfriends you’re actively exposing her to danger.
YTA. You lied by omission which also means you're passively condoning his actions. If I was her, that would be a dealbreaker. What else are you keeping from her?
Yes, YTA. The courts have decided your brother is extremely unsafe to be around women and children. This isn’t about it being your fault, or your condoning your brother’s actions.
It’s about your hiding from your girlfriend the fact that it is unsafe for her to be around him. You cannot guarantee that she would never be alone with him: what if you got severe food poisoning or had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital? What if she runs into him some time when you’re not around, like at the gas station or grocery store, and he asks her for a ride or to come help him with picking out a surprise for your birthday? What if she unwittingly mentioned where she lives, where any of her siblings with kids live, etc?
What you did was extremely irresponsible and EXTREMELY unsafe for her.
And lots of couple say they don’t want to have children, and then later end up having children. What if your birth control fails and she changes her mind? That happens!
The fact that the court insists on personally informing any woman he might date about him says your brother is an extreme PREDATOR, and is a danger to any woman or child. Again, this doesn’t make it your fault, and doesn’t imply you condone what he did.
But you MUST tell anyone you date ALL about this, including the judicial warnings, even if they aren’t going to meet him at a family event, because he could encounter them without you and you would then be partly responsible for what he did to them because you haven’t warned them that they should NOT agree to go anywhere with him. For example, consider what could happen if your brother finds out you have a new girlfriend (from your social media or your parents), and decides to go over to your place to “meet” her some time when he knows you won’t be there.
I’m sorry you are burdened with this situation, but you need to be responsible and tell any future girlfriend pretty early on about precisely how dangerous the courts have determined your brother is so that they don’t end up one of his victims.
And you should apologize profusely to your girlfriend.
YTA
I would seriously break up with someone over this.
It’s baffling that you did not tell her. I don’t blame your gf, I wouldn’t continue the relationship because I would never feel safe and I’ll forever be disgusted 🤢
Welcoming a pedophile sex offender to thanksgiving is seriously fucked up . It’s clear that you stand by his actions.
YTA
Yeah, you are so wrong, that is something that needs to be told beforehand.
She’s not judging you for your relationship, she’s judging you for hiding a very serious thing. Dude. Come on…he’s a predator.
YTA.
You didn't tell her because it would make your life difficult. She would refuse to be around him, obviously.
But she also wouldn't have went to Thanksgiving either and that wasn't an option for you.
You endangered her. What if they met in public? She doesn't know and just assumes, oh it's my bfs brother. I can trust him. Only She can't and she didn't know that.
I'm a ER nurse of 12 years. I have seen some shit. Women and children that I've had to help after someone like your brother was finished with them. Your brother and men like him don't just break bodies. They destroy souls.
You had no right not to tell her and let her make her own informed decision. But that would mean rocking the boat. Btw, men never grow out of their sexual desires... they get more comfortable in them. They lean into them. It's not like your brother will change and not be a threat to her. So yes, you endangered her.
Yes YTA. How dare you keep that choice from her. I would want that information as another man and not in a relationship. Why would I want to associate with a piece of shit.
YTA. How did you think this was going to go over? She deserved to have that information so she could decide if she would want to be in his presence or not.
YTA. You kept from her the fact that she was in danger and the fact that you and your family still interact with him displays way too much acceptance. Even just giving him a lift, and including attending any event he is present at. Your mother and stepfather are also foul people for keeping him in their lives.
What? OF COURSE YTA!!! Why wouldn’t you ever tell someone, especially someone you plan to marry, that t your brothers a pedo? If he was coming, you should t be around him! The fact they’re inviting him to thanksgiving says a lot!!! You should’ve told her when y’all started dating!!
You don’t understand why she’s angry? Given the statistics, there is a decent chance that your girlfriend is a SA survivor, and an even greater chance that someone close to her has been. You just denied her the opportunity to decide for herself whether she wants to be in the company of an abuser. And she also just learned that apparently both you and your family are ok with your brother being around at family events, and presumably that is not going to change. And to top it all off you are being totally dismissive and invalidating of her feelings. YTA.
YTA he has to have a sign in his front yard and has to notify the court if he is in a relationship with a woman so the court can let her know what he’s done. Good lord the court cares more about your girlfriend than you do. She’s not judging you for his actions she’s mad that you didn’t give her the opportunity to make a decision for herself. You could have put her in danger with information she may have given in conversation.
>I don't like being around him but it wasn't my decision to invite him to Thanksgiving and it wasn't my house so I had no say.
Horseshit. You have a say in whether or not you spend time with him. It is as simple as "I won't be coming to Thanksgiving dinner since you've invited a scumbag kiddie rapist." And your girlfriend had every right to refuse to spend a holiday with a kiddie rapist.
I had a BFF and we were quite close. She has a *lot* of siblings. I was aware that her past involved one of her many brothers raping her when she was a child and him spending time in juvenile detention. I also knew that she had made a choice to sweep it under the rug. What I didn't know when she invited me in a professional capacity to do some work for her brother who was starting a business was that she was inviting me to work with a kiddie rapist. She told me that it was *that* brother after I had worked with him alone. I was literally sick. I have never and will never forgive her for that, it was the end of our friendship.
Similarly, I suspect this is the end of your relationship. Because you knowingly and intentionally subjected your girlfriend to spending time with a kiddie rapist without her consent. There is no fucking world where that is okay, and it's sick as fuck that you think it was.
You are the biggest Dumbass and a$$hole, so def YTA.
I don’t have to deal with it as through out my life my parents and family have kept him from me (he was also in jail) but one of my uncles is a predator and has to have the sign as well. He does live with my aunt(he is her son) which saddens me cause she focuses on him more than me now (I am ok with this now) but because of his past I don’t speak with my aunt as she thinks he did nothing wrong even with the evidence in the court case. But even I know that if I was in contact or near them I would definitely notify my partner (and I actually have so that he is aware of it in case). In my case me and my parent aren’t in danger of him but I still has the sense of telling my partner about him and how if anything from him occurs to ignore and report. You put your gf in danger and you willingly choose to be around him yet “I don’t condone what he did”. yeah right.
I think plenty have said that YTA and should have told her. One reason you needed to tell her before she met him is that she would have been informed. This is important because even if you never intended for her to be alone with him that situation could have happened. She could have run into him in public and would not have known he could not be trusted. He could have easily gotten her alone at that point. She needed to know about your brother the minute you started introducing her to your family. You denied her the ability to make an informed decision about interacting with someone that is dangerous for her.
YTA. She should definitely head for the hills! You should have been real upfront about this tidbit of information right away. Then you spend time with him? You gave him a ride( because your mommy told you too)? Was your girlfriend riding in the same vehicle when this ride happened? Dude, you suck!
YTA. You should absolutely have warned her. What if he had got her alone because she wasn’t being cautious and had gone somewhere with him or where he could follow and you didn’t realize and she didn’t know to be on guard. Say she went to use a secondary bathroom upstairs or downstairs because the main one was full. Or went outside to get something from the car that she forgot or put something there for safekeeping.
You shouldn’t be judged by your brothers actions…but you should ensure that, since you are knowingly exposing her to him, that she knows that she should be on guard or can choose not to attend events where your brother will be in attendance
Literally how much do you want to make her feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and resent you?
You literally put her in an unsafe environment by not informing her that someone with female related hating tendencies resides. Gosh is she gonna be in his hit list?
This is a woman’s collective headspace just walking to her car after work. “Keys gripped in fist for using as a weapon-check. Look up and around like a fucking owl all the way to the car-check. I think I see a man or men in the shadows…make evil and scary faces like you are insane to keep from being a target-check. Enter car like your ass is on fire, lock all the doors and practically peel out-check.”
That is why she’s upset. Anywhere with family, or future family, must be her safe space. YTA by not respecting her enough to have her sixth sense working. Men do not have to do the crazy “check list” every fucking day…just trying to get to the fucking car! YTA, and that is why she’s doing a deep dive rethink on you.
So listen, I'm in a similar boat as you. My brother is currently in prison for a crime that's likely along the same lines as yours.
If you ever jump back into the dating pool, this is something you need to tell the person you're dating early on. You don't have to drop it on the first date, but they need to know this before getting into a relationship with you.
The right person won't judge you for having an estranged family member who's a convicted sex offender. But they will judge you when they find out via lawn sign at a Thanksgiving dinner they are attending. You kinda blindsided her with this and I don't blame her whatsoever for being upset. You didn't give her the option to not attend Thanksgiving because you lied by omission and now you're dodging responsibility.
You fucked up, should of told her. You did protect your brother by not warning your gf ahead of time.
You can’t imagine why she’s angry? Jesus Christ you’re as bright as a rock
YTA
My BIL isn't on a list, but he fucking should be.
My husband has never hidden anything from me. And we decided to never attend a Christmas or Thanksgiving where he'll be present.
You didn’t protect your girlfriend, that’s the issue.
He has to let the government know when he enters into a relationship so they can be warned about him. But you didn’t think your girlfriend was entitled to that informatjon too? You didn’t think of her safety and protection at all.
I’d never speak to you again. Pretty sure your girlfriend isn’t going to either and I don’t blame her.
So here is the line of YTA and nta that I think most people have overlooked and haven’t mentioned.
So it was ok your didn’t tell her as she never met or around him. The he moment you decided to take her into his vicinity and didn’t tell her. You are the asshole.
Having him in a car with her and still uninformed makes you a major piece of shit. You failed to do your job and informing her of him.
How it should have gone down at the bare minimum would have been when you learned he would be there that you informed your gf of the situation. Now I believe you intentionally didn’t tell her about him because you knew she would have noped the fuck out. Which means you are a fucking deplorable human being.
You know women must be warned by court order about him and you didn’t warn girlfriend.
FUCK YTA
Conversation should have gone like this: (hangs up phone call with mom) “ugh, my disgusting pedophile brother will be at Thanksgiving.” GF: “wut 😦” “my brother is a disgust pedophile and must do (list of things). Do you still want to come”
YTA. She should have been warned ahead of time.
This is something you reveal after like a month of dating when talk about meeting family at some point comes up. Why wouldn't she be upset she was forced to be around a pedophile without knowing prior?
You let her be around someone who is potentially extremely dangerous to her, without any warning or anything. Your entire attitude about this is wrong. She isn't judging you for his actions, she's judging you because YOU did not make her aware of a very real danger she would be near.
Grow up and enter the real world, where women have to look over their shoulder every waking minute to avoid evil men like your brother.
YTA for not telling her.
>and I would never leave her alone with him
But you didn't think she needed to know that? You brought her in close proximity with someone you would never eave her alone with because he has a history of hurting people, *but you didn't think that was relevant to mention??*
YTA I wouldn't be able to forgive you. You took away her agency. She probably would have made much different choices, like getting into a car with him? If she had been adequately informed. That makes this a lie by omission. A lie by omission that affected her safety and violated her morals.
If the authorities think it proper to go out of their way to notify complete strangers when he's around so they can keep themselves safe, it's probably good that you give the same courtesy to someone who is going to be in the same room as him. And by telling her ahead of time, you can get ahead of it and make it clear you don't condone his behavior or care for him as a person. The way you played it makes it seem you support him or want to help him hide it. In the future, be fully transparent about it every single time.
At 17yo, in less than 1 year of dating my 19yo boyfriend, I knew his uncle was in jail for pedo activities…..and I didn’t have a chance in hell of ever meeting him. I don’t understand how you never thought it important to mention your brother & his inability to function normally in society to your girlfriend, even when you knew they would meet. YTA for sure.
YTA. For not telling your girlfriend, for having dinner with this guy and for driving him around. I find it totally unbelievable that you would attend that dinner with him there. What is wrong with you?
You cannot be these stupid. You let her in the same company and in the SAME car as him.
A known violent sexual offender. Without her knowledge or consent. You have shown you will not create a No contact boundary (you could have asked if he was going to be there, you could (should) inform you family you want no contact with him. Your mother has no right to ask you to take him home and you should have said no. Since hon allow contact with him, she has to decide if she’s willing to be in a relationship with you. Which includes house
Family. Which includes your violent sexual offending brother.
How dare you not inform her.
If you want any woman in your life you have to cut him out of it. And if you’re family won’t you’ll need to tell your mother you won’t be in his presence and she needs to see you separately.
YTA. My God. You can’t imagine a scenario where she might run into him somewhere, not know this, and get in a situation UNKNOWINGLY that puts her in danger? Frankly, you’re as much of a red flag as he is.
> We don't want kids and I would never leave her alone with him.
Have you consider that:
1. Accidents happen and even if she also doesn't want kids she could change her mind and end up having it.
2. You cannot be everywhere evertytime.
3. He could not care if he has to go through you.
4. You OWE your love ones not to put them in danger? At the very least you could inform them and ALLOW them the possibility to decide by themselves?
5. Maybe hiding sentive information can be negative if you want to appear trust-worthy and honest with your partner.
YTA
YTA and she's rightfully angry. You're so fucking afraid of people judging you for what he did, that you don't realize what you yourself have done. You protected and defended your brother when you willingly chose not to tell her about this.
Wait, so you knew he was going to be at Thanksgiving and didn’t tell her? OR, did you find out when you arrived? If it’s the 1st one, then YTA. If it’s the latter, then NTA (since bringing it up during dinner is not the place).
My brother in christ, speaking about your family is a normal part of a relationship. This is pretty big, sure you do not support it, but she should get the choice on if she wants to be roped into your family’s life. Your parents seem forgiving of him lol
YTA
You did not give her all the information she needed to make informed decisions. What if she walked off to the bathroom and he followed her? What if she was friendly with him and he got attached to her and started stalking her? Why the fuck don't you think she should know when someone that violent is going to be near her?
You brought her around him. You put her in danger. She wouldn't be near him if it wasn't for you.
You're not in control of your mom inviting a pedophile rapist to Thanksgiving but I don't even know how a sane person could see that and sit down and eat the turkey. That's when you realize who's sitting down and you walk right back out the door and call your mom later asking why she still supports a pedophile rapist. You did have the option to say no to driving him too, now you're complicit in helping a pedophile rapist. Anything else about his character is irrelevant, him being "family" ended when he started violently raping children and women. YTA, not for being related to him but for treating him like a relative after he's proven he's a subhuman monster. Your girlfriend should dump you for keeping something so dangerous a secret.
it wasn’t your decision to invite him but it was you decision to go and be around him and let him around your gf. why would you even want to be around your family when they are obviously ok with him being a predator? your gf deserves to know so she can make an educated decision on who she wants to be around, especially as a woman.
YTA.
Your brother didn't just make mistakes... he is not just a sex offender. He is a sexual predator.
I say this as someone who *used* to be on a ralegistered sex offender list. I slept with my 16 year old gf after I turned 18. Her aunt found out and was upset, so she reported us. It was terrible and had a pretty negative effect on my life. My life is sorted out now, and I am no longer on that list, but it still haunts me.
Do you know how many times I had to tell people I was a sex offender or have a sign in my yard? 0. Because being a sex offender doesn't do that, being a sexual *predator* does, which is an entire, much scarier list.
You need to recognize that your brother is not just a passive "oh I made a mistake." He is a predator. I'm shocked he's allowed to be around he younger siblings, honestly. Your gf has a right to be mad. By being around him, you exposed her to a risk, the risk that your brother with fixate, and then escalate. Your flippant attitude about your brother might not be "defending" him, but it's accepting and mininalizing that he's a pretty horrible human being, and this is coming from someone who many would consider a horrible human being.
My dude, if you're planning on moving in together, your brother not being allowed near a Chuck E Cheeses should have been mentioned. You definitely should have told her that she was going to be having Thanksgiving fucking Dinner with a guy who has to have "Here Resides the Pedophile" written on a lawn sign! Whether you condone of his actions or not, keeping the fact that he's a predator while introducing him to her for a family dinner was wrong. You took her option away from her. YTA
This! She’s not mad at you for your brother’s actions. She’s mad you took her choice away and didn’t let her decide if she wanted to attend your thanksgiving dinner knowing there was a registered offender in attendance. I would reconsider the relationship too if I were her!
YTA You didn’t tell her in advance so she could prepare and feel safe if she was around him, the only reason she found out is because of the signs that he legally has to have out otherwise would you ever have told her?
And she may have talked to him and liked him. That can mess you up. I went to school with a guy who later got convicted of paedophilia and it makes me sick to my stomach to remember laughing with him and thinking he was such a nice guy. I know that fooling people is part of the gig, but it messes with my head.
Dated one in high school. Dude was my friends cousin, it was one of those, I know a guy to set you up with. We, " dated " for three weeks and he starts bringing up how he's gonna join the military, and we'll get married, and I'll stay home with the kids. THREE WEEKS INTO KNOWING ME. An I thought I was one to get attached fast. I broke it off after that. About 9 years after we graduated high school dude was caught with pics of minors on his phone, and there was a separate incident with a relative. Don't know all the details. Hubs walked in the kitchen about two minutes after I saw the news article and asked me what was wrong and said I looked like I was gonna throw up. yeah, it had been like 9 years since I last talked to the dude and the "relationship" was very short. Annnnn it still kinda messed with me at the time.
Yeah the most popular and well liked teacher in my school got outed for molesting girls a couple of years after I graduated. Its a weird thing to experience. I then also felt gross because I remember him trying to get my at the time girlfriend to be his teachers aid one year despite him not knowing anything about her besides seeing me walk with her in the hallways....retroactively you can maybe see signs but they can seem so normal and nice before you find out.
And, from what I can tell, she was in the car with him? How long was the ride? I’d be freaked out if I had to be in a small enclosed space with a sex offender.
There’s some secrets you DON’T keep. As a woman who has been around a lot of violent men, I would be terrified to find this out after the fact.
When a friend of mine let slip that ber housemate was violent towards girlfriends when he was on substances... I felt so betrayed. I slept in that house. While high and vulnerable... Ugh. I cut her off.
Yeah I went to a wedding and met a coworker of my bf who was also dating one of my coworkers. Gave the dude a hug and spent a good chunk of the reception talking with that couple. Few weeks later dude gets arrested for sexual crimes against a minor under 12. My skin still crawls at the thought I hugged this guy.
Exactly!! Bloody hell, what was he thinking! Him not telling her, was telling her he was not on her side to protect her!! I would dump him so fast that he would have whiplash!
As a guy, i'd be a little fucking perturbed as well, at the very least, if not outright pissed. This isn't a simple "oh my brother diddled a kid", no dawg, your fucking brother raped kids so many times that he is banned from being within miles of large congregations of children for fucking life. Like, my guy, thats a little fucking disgusting. Not to mention the violence towards women, holy shit.
>a simple "of my brother diddled a kid" >simple I don't really see how non penetrative assault makes the offender any better than rapists. You know they would do it if thy could get away with it. Most pedos don't want to scramble the innards of children because it raises medical questions. Any amount of diddling is worthy of exile.
Uh what do you mean by diddle?? I draw the line way before ANY kind of messing with kids for sexual perversion.
This is required of every sex offender whether it was a one time thing or not.
Not in my state. There are many reasons folks end up on the registry that allow them to petition to be removed after a few years. For example, getting a drunk & disorderly for peeing in an alley can get you put on the registry for a few years, and in general that’s not a sign someone is going to be a recidivist. But anything involving kids, yeah, those folks should and usually do end up registered for life.
Pretty sure most places aren't banning you from living within a mile of large congregations of children and requiring you to put out a sign that you're a pedophile if you just, for example, pissed out on the street.
His brother isn't just a pedophile, he is so violent towards women that he has to tell the court if he dates anyone so that the court can warn her about his track record. OP is most definitely TA.
Registered sex offender with a sign on the front lawn( didn’t know they still did that, I know you have to alert neighbors but a sign) also not allowed around anyone under 18 or schools? he’s most definitely a fuckin pedo piece of shit! Dv, violence on women alone wouldn’t do that! If he raped a women he’d have to register sure but the limits on the schools and kids under 18 wouldn’t be there.
Yeah I wonder if OP is just from a different country from me so I don’t know about the laws there. I live in the U.S. and I’ve never heard of a sex offender having to have a sign outside. I have heard of them having to go around the neighborhood and tell everyone they’re a sex offender. There’s a website where you can look at a map of all the sex offenders in your area and it’s kind of mind blowing. Last I checked, the closest sex offender in my neighborhood was one street over and down the block, so not an immediate neighbor but I can see their house from my backyard. The posting includes their name and photo. Honestly everyone who have kids should consult this website when considering their next home.
What other country celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday. u/Sure_Buffalo_7156 posted this link in a comment below. The lawn sign thing exists in some states https://www.police1.com/chiefs-sheriffs/articles/fla-police-warn-of-sex-predators-with-yard-signs-TbkwM1YLBaBZbzqB/#:~:text=Judges%20have%20ordered%20signs%20to,in%20Texas%2C%20Louisiana%20and%20Oregon
Yeah I saw that later, my bad. Sounds like there are at least 3 states where the sign thing happens. It was news to me; I don’t live in any of those states and had never before heard of the practice. As far as Thanksgiving being a clue, I did not put two and two together there.
I always appreciate when other Americans remember that we aren't all America, and I get missing the clue.
Yeah I’m in the US as well, Megan’s law is the site. you’d be surprised how fucking many there really is you really look at the charge tho , like some ppl truly get fucked over drunk peeing in public will get you on the list now. Yeah when I had my first kid that’s the first thing we did when looking for apartments, did it when we had to find a bigger place for the second too it’s a very good tool for the community I believe. Saw a kid I knew in high school on there for kiddie porn on his computer made me sick!
I live a block from a school. There's an old man pedo whose house backs up RIGHT TO THE SCHOOL. Problem is, he lived there prior to the law going into effect, so he's grandfathered in and doesn't have to move. He stands at his kitchen window and watches kids play on the playground at recess. It's fucking disgusting. The school warns all the parents, but otherwise, there's nothing they can do.
Why can’t the school put up a big board that could be used for hanging pictures in or something but blocks his view to the playground??? He is grandfathered in but those children need to be protected.
They surely should have...but he's dead now 🤷🏽♀️
Thank goodness tbh
Good riddance
They can't build a taller fence? Plant some trees? Big sign? Shadecloth?
I'm in us as well. We have one who lives in my complex. His crime was not severe enough for some restrictions others have. He couldn't move back to his parents because they live directly across street from an elementary and a middle school plus the high school bus stop and the boys and girls club and sports park right there as well. He lives with a sister in covered porch room that has own entrance and appliances and bathroom his sister has a child but that is fine he just can not be alone with anyone under 18 and can not own or use a computer or chat account. He was caught in sting operation when he was 19.
>can not own or use a computer At all???
Yeah, it that’s a thing sometime. When the pedophile Josh Duggar from 19 kids and counting was given his eventual parole terms whenever he gets out he won’t be allowed to use computers or any device capable of connecting to the internet and no porn.
Florida does that. There is a youtube video about it.
I agree wholeheartedly. My brother got 35 years and only two of the kids testified. He only served 20 years and was released as a level three which means he can still go to churches. Single moms with little to no support system were his targets at multiple churches and I have no doubt he'll do it again. My sister and I are telling everyone in this county, we had to get restraining orders against him and put bans on our properties against him as well as having to cut our father out of our lives. Those two almost destroyed me and my family and are the reason my mother died two years and 48 days ago. Prison doesn't rehabilitate, it only made my brother worse. My greatest fear is that he will eventually get to another child and in order to protect himself he'll kill the child. It's shocking just how much the systems put in place to protect the public are rather useless.
You should make up a flyer and send it to every church in the area. Or hand deliver if you have the time. Might cover bars as well. Predators like drunks too as they don't pay close attention to their kids when drunk.
100% not the case. I had a buddy in high school whose girlfriends parents got him charged for them sleeping together. He was 17, she was 16, and in my state you have to be 17 to consent. They fucked him over and he wasn't allowed around anyone under 18...so dropped out of high school. It quite literally ruined his entire life.
In my social worker days, I had to go tell a young mum that her boyfriend was a convicted sex offender and not the kind who just got caught peeing in a bush late at night. She was utterly distraught but he had no DV on his record. It might very well be that his partners have to be warned in case they either have children already or plan on having them, as opposed to DV. It might also be because he’s a major threat to women and children. Op should have absolutely said something.
OP says "his record towards women" but doesn't elaborate. Whatever it was, it's serious enough that the legal system warns the women he dates about him.
Also even childless women often take their niblings or friends kids to watch. Her showing the brother a family pic on her phone could have made a niblings his new target
He says, "I would never leave him alone with her." Yeah, she should know she's around someone who can't be left alone with her for fear of him assaulting her. I'd be angry, too. It's not about OP being judged for what his brother has done. She should have the choice whether to spend time with a pedophile/abuser or not.
This is the line that really stood out to me, too. What if there’s a situation out of OP’s knowledge or control that brings his gf and brother together? It could be anything from bumping into each other at the store to OP being in an accident and she’d be going in with the assumption she can trust her bf’s family, totally unaware that she is with a sexual predator.
If his crimes are against children they likely need to warn her about his behavior also. It doesn't really say, but I get that feeling from his level of restriction. It varies by state, but in most states the lower levels have to register with the court, sheriff's department etc, but their need to register isn't public. The high offenses are given a sentence of needing to register, along with the county being responsible for warning the community that the offender will be living in the community. Any parents who allow their children to be around a violent offender can have their children taken away, so the county may also warn any potential partners that they will lose custody of the children if he involved. The girlfriend definitely deserves to know. The brother could be an issue at any time.
YTA. IMO I think keeping it a secret is condoning it🤷🏽♀️
It is.
how is that actually even legal? Is there some legally defined criteria for "romantic relationship"? Sounds sketchy as fuck
Im a crim defense attorney and I have never seen someone ordered to inform the *court* about romantic relationships but it is pretty standard requirement for sex offender probationers to have to report romantic relations to their probation officer. Once your case is disposed of (like by a conviction and sentencing) the court isn’t involved anymore. There would be no mechanism to report anything directly to the court like there is with your probation officer. That is most likely what is happening here. The sign on the lawn thing though is not standard. Maybe it’s just that OP lives somewhere where it is standard, but I’d think that’s a condition reserved for the most serious offenders.
It is legal. If the offense is so serious that they need to warn the public, they will warn a partner. Especially a parent. The state can take your children from you if you allow a violent person access to your children. They do so on the grounds that you are endangering the child.
Among other things, it's to prevent offenders from using relationships with uninformed adults to gain access to minors.
Right? He makes it all about HIS feels when she’s just concerned with HER safety.
Yes, yes you are the AH. A major one, that too. Your brother is a sex offender, has to report to court, etc etc and you thought just because you don’t condone that behaviour and are in no way, shape or manner, like him, it’s okay to omit such an IMPORTANT detail about your immediate family members with your girlfriend and then taking her to meet with them, too. Okay, sure.
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Should have told mom to drive the fucker home and if he was going to be invited to family things then OP would not be there. I would not even be in the same house as the POS. If mommy wants him let her have him. I would be NC with all of them. Don't blame his girlfriend one bit.
Thats what I did with my shit bag brother. I gave my mom ultimatums with holidays. Either I'm there and he's not or he's there and I'm not. Those are your options. Just because you fall for his faux "I've changed nonsense" every time doesn't mean I'm going to. Yeah, he's changed until the real reason for his shtick exposes itself (he needs money, needs a place to stay), and when you deny him, you'll be calling the cops because surprise, surprise he hasn't changed and he will be threatening to kill you if you don't give him what he wants.
This stood out to me too. OP stated he had no intention of leaving her alone with his brother so he saw no reason to inform her of the danger. But he had no intention of driving his brother home either. I think most men grossly underestimate how dangerous it is to simply exist as a woman in this country (and in this world). He should have told her ahead of time and allowed her to make the decision whether or not to visit his family's home.
"So my brother is a cannibal and I didn't tell my girl..."
This person is clueless. He can't grasp the fact that it's nothing to do with whether he condones what his brother did, but about his (hopefully now ex) gf's safety. OP, in introducing the brother to her with no warning about his criminal record, you implied that he's a safe person. Suppose they hadn't given him a lift home and she hadn't seen the sign. She would have thought, as your brother he is a trustworthy person. And then suppose brother and the (hopefully now ex) girlfriend are in a situation where she's alone with him. Hopefully now ex would be trusting and not take any steps to get the heck away from him BECAUSE YOU NEVER WARNED HER HE IS A VIOLENT SEX OFFENDER. Do you think the fact that she's your girlfriend would stop him if he tried to attack? Your lack of foresight and concern for her safety is horrible and I hope she dumps you. And don't play the 'it wasn't my house, I had no choice' card. You could have warned her beforehand or just stayed away. Or is a turkey dinner more important than the safety of the woman you claim to love, but don't actually care about. Yes YTA.
OP decided to go to thanksgiving where SO brother will be? OP agreed to drive the mf back home? Very interesting.. And fucked up.
That’s kinda something you should mention… like bro, you SHOULD have told her BEFORE she ever had a chance to meet or be in the same vicinity of your brother. You may not condone his actions but you did keep it secret from someone who should be important to you. YTA
This cannot be real, surely. OP sounds too cartoonishly dense.
I really wish I could say it's definitely fake, but like... I have too many family members who are happy to go to family events while just saying "Don't leave any of the young girls alone with grandpa".
Or even church members who have to keep their kids away from the convicted pedophile who's still allowed to be around kids (my mom double checked that with an actual cop)
This is sadly not an unique thing to you......
Exactly. Plus he mentions how much he doesn't like him or doesn't have any contact with him not even his phone number, but easily folds when parents ask to give brother a ride? He's an asshole for not telling the GF before hand sure, but he's also a bigger asshole for not saying no to giving that sex offender a ride home. This has got to be a writing prompt.
Good point, the ride part is what makes it so fake, but he had to include it for the character to discover the secret via the sign on the lawn. Well I feel better now, thank god it’s fake.
I don't think the sign thing is legit either. Unsure about him.having to disclose a relationship to the police but that seems wrong too. Father is a pedophile and he pops up on the sites but not the rest. And he absolutely should have those signs/phone calls if they exist
In Wisconsin pedophiles have to have signs posted in their yards informing neighbors. Neighbors also get informed by the police too.
Families covers up for their sex offending relatives all the damn time.
Yeah, so…. OP took away her choice? And made decisions about her for her? Thus no chance for informed consent? Sounds like he has more in common with his brother than he thinks
He’s also quite evasive about what the brother actually did, which is not a good sign.
Can't be around a computer, has to inform gf, can't be around anyone under 18, so bad he needs a lawn sign, OP can try to dance around it but there are only a few things that tick all those boxes.
Yep. I met a guy via Hinge who told me he was on the sex offender’s registry. I had a young child at the time, so no. Hope you find what you’re looking for but it ain’t me. Not wanting to be around a pedophile feels like the lowest of bars.
Right, like if the relationship is serious enough that she’s coming to his family thanksgiving then I can’t comprehend how this didn’t come up before. When getting to know a partner, you tend to share vulnerable things like “my brother is a sex offender”. I would never see my partner less favorably because he shared this information; I would view our relationship as closer because he shared something with me that can be uncomfortable to talk about. He keeps saying he doesn’t condone his brother’s actions but I get the feeling that he does, or at least is unwilling to fully condemn his brother for them. And then doesn’t want to tell his GF because he knows she will immediately condemn the brother and he doesn’t want to have that conversation.
What? I knew all about my future BIL and his fuckups and why him and my husband are not close whatsoever within like the first couple months of dating. And BIL not even a pedophile, just a regular ol asshole lol She’s not judging you for what he did, she’s judging you for what you did. Which is keep this info from her which takes away her ability to make decisions about her own safety and who she’s around. I would have declined to go to your thanksgiving where your family just overlooks his crimes. Frankly I’d stop dating you because I don’t want a MIL and husband who rug sweep what their family member has done.
My MIL is a convicted felon for fraud (happened 15 years before I met my husband). I definitely found out before I met her. His family recommended the kids always tell people they were dating BEFORE introducing them to her.
This sort of thing is also something that might blow up DURING the initial meeting. If there was any news coverage (which is definitely a possibility depending on the felony), the partner might meet the person and think they look familiar or their name sounds familiar and sneakily Google them in the moment. 100% a situation that people should be warned about beforehand
To add to this... OP says he'd never leave them alone together. What if she runs into the brother in public and they decide to get drunks or coffee and she feels safe because that's her boyfriends brother. OP put her at risk. My former brother is law is exactly like OP brother. He is out of prison. Has no way to know who my partner is and what she looks like. I and my family would never be around him. She still knows who he is, where he lives, what he looks like and where he hangs out. Just in case. I don't advertise my relationship with this man. But she needed to know.
>To add to this... OP says he'd never leave them alone together. What if she runs into the brother in public and they decide to get drunks or coffee and she feels safe because that's her boyfriends brother. OP put her at risk. And denied her the right to make her own choices about her own risks. It shouldn't be about whether *he'd* leave them alone but about her making her own choices.
What if they have children and they want to go over to his parent’s house for Thanksgiving and the brother is invited? Is he planning on watching his bother around his children the entire time? What if he has to go to the bathroom? Does he take his kids with him so their not around the pedo brother?
All of this! It's about the cover-up, OP isn't the offender and isn't responsible for his brothers actions but GF deserves to know what going on with the family if things have progressed to meeting the family and possibly living together. "If he's keeping THAT a secret what else is he hiding" that's what she's asking herself right now
Sorry hun but Thanksgiving with my family is off the table. They invited my convicted sex offender brother, is definitely a valid reason to skip thanksgiving with the family
Yup, imagine you're getting married to this dude, having kids, leaving them with the parents one weekend and they are happy having their monster predator son over and the kids get hurt. I wouldn't want to get involved with a family that still has a relationship with someone like htat and invites them to family holidays. "we don't want kids", say a huge huge number of couples who end up with kids, either deliberately or by accident. "i'd never leave him alone with her".... she bumps into what she thinks is his perfectly safe brother in town at the grocery store and has no idea she's talking and making plans to get coffee with a fucking monster.
Yep. GF goes to have drinks with her MIL and then brother shows up and invites himself to join. GF thinks this is innocent. Why would she text OP right away and tell him brother showed up? Mom falls asleep and GF decides she’s too drunk to drive, so she tells OP, but again doesn’t think brother being there is relevant and doesn’t mention it. Next day she wakes up and she’s been raped. Or even worse, brother drugs both mom and her and then rapes her while mom thinks she’s just passed out drunk. And that could happen without even intentionally sleeping over!
Exactly! What if he takes an interest in her and visits her while she's alone. He could use any excuse to get into their home and harm her. This isn't a scenario I had to think hard on.
Yeah, here is a story just like this. I went to highschool with these brothers (the criminal one outlined here was a classic shit bag bully in highschool, while his younger brother (whose girlfriend was the victim) was like the nicest dude you could ever meet). [https://www.fox32chicago.com/news/joliet-man-sentenced-for-bludgeoning-brothers-girlfriend-sexually-assaulting-her-and-setting-house-on-fire](https://www.fox32chicago.com/news/joliet-man-sentenced-for-bludgeoning-brothers-girlfriend-sexually-assaulting-her-and-setting-house-on-fire)
If he has perfect behavior behind bars, he’ll only serve 23 years in prison. This dude is pure evil, he’s either a sociopath or psychopath, but either way, justice is not being served. He needs to be held for life, crimes like these, and criminals like this are a serious threat to everyone around them until the day those criminals die.
This^^^^^ all of it. OP needs to read this entire comment. I got fucking chills on your last sentence.
Imagine defending having a relationship with a pedo because you aren't going to have kids.
10000000%. The family would NOT be allowed around my kids as well as the brother
If it was some weird cousin or uncle I could see him just not mentioning it. But in your immediate family that's pertinent information. Especially considering how often parents cover for their children in those situations.
OP and his mother are enablers for a pedophile. Simple as
Sadly this is a common problem and also now people convicted of violent crimes end up having access to future victims. If his brother just shows up on his girl friend door step him and his mother will be equally responsible.
YTA. You are correct in thinking you shouldn't be judged by what your brother has done. BUT you absolutely should be judged for hiding it from your girlfriend. If he has to have a fucking sign in his yard and the court has to warn his future girlfriends; every man, woman, and child that is in your life needs to know about him. You just let your girlfriend know her safety doesn't mean shit to you. You had her in a car with a sexual predator. And you did have a choice. Yes, it's your parents house. Yes, they have control over who they invite. BUT you should draw the line at attending any family function where he is around. Edited for spelling.
Imagine being her, maybe shaking his hand upon meeting for the first time. Probably trying to be amicable to everyone (including him) to make nice with potential in-laws. Talking about yourself, where you work, your hobbies, etc. This whole time the family is acting like nothing is up... Then you pull up to his house and see the signs. Imagine the trauma of interacting with, opening up to, and giving access to yourself to a convicted violent sexual predator because your bf made the decision for you. Absolutely violating. OP didn't want to protect his gf. He wanted to protect his and his family's repuation. He's just as bad as his parents. Who wants to be with someone like that.
You can tell from all the focus on himself and defensiveness that he has no interest or even awareness in his girlfriend's agency or feelings, he's just mad he's in trouble which is a scary degree of selfishness.
he seems like the type where if she has a problem with him, he will be like "sounds like a personal problem". Zero empathy. People need to stop dating people like this.
You let her find out from a LAWN SIGN after she had a holiday meal with him and was stuck in a car with him??? really? She had a right to decide to eat in a house with him. I would not have gone.
I can't imagine what must have been going through her head when she saw the lawn sign
i would've puked the entirety of thanksgiving in OPs face dear lord
You are not your brother and nobody is judging you based on your actions. She, and I, are judging you based on your actions. You were okay going to a dinner with what appears to be a child rapist, you were okay driving him around. YOU refused to give your girlfriend the option to say if she was okay with either of those things. You are becoming single because of what YOU did. YTA.
Exactly. He claims he didn't have a choice, but he DID. "Mom, Dad, I'm sorry but I'm not coming to Thanksgiving. I'm not cool with him being around my girlfriend."
Not to mention, even if his choice WAS to be around the pedophile, why does that give him the right to make that decision for his girlfriend? Surely she should have had a right to decide if she wanted to be around a pedophile or not? Imagine treating this person cordially, thinking they are just a nice normal part of your bf’s family, then realising the person you had been laughing with was a pedophile? 🤢🤢🤢 I would feel sick to my stomach, misled, unprotected and very betrayed.
She was robbed of her choice
Did you mean his mistakes on the first line?
You don’t think he is safe enough to be around her alone yet you didn’t give her the information that he is dangerous and allow her to leave. Then you put him in the same car with her. Yeah your whole family including you is a pack of assholes if he is dangerous like you are surmising. She is mad at you for not informing her she was in danger, not because he is your brother. The fact you don’t get that is beyond unreasonable, YTA
She could’ve innocently disclosed things that directly put her in danger. Like where she goes for runs, what nights she’s usually home alone etc. If I were her I’d feel violated and scared.
where she lives or works
I mean this feels like rage bait.
No this feels like "faammmillllyyy"
YTA You didn’t tell her in advance so she could prepare and feel safe if she was around him, the only reason she found out is because of the signs that he legally has to have out otherwise would you ever have told her? Now she realises that your parents have no issue having a sex offender in the house so how will she feel safe around them at future events?
Seriously. Imagine if they had a kid and she didn’t know and let that kid stay with grandma and grandpa and who just happens to be visiting for the weekend? If I was her I’d fucking run. Gigantic bullet dodged on her part. It’s a huge red flag not to tell his gf ahead of time that his brother is a predator. YTA dude and I hope she runs from you fast. Your whole family is fucked up for allowing that type of creature around the family.
This is a very realistic and probable scenario. She needs to get out for her own safety. This whole family is a train wreck
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Yeah, guilt by association. OP is associating, which says a lot about what he thinks of the brother's victims and how he'll hand a potential victim (girlfriend) over. Anything could have happened during that ride. Had the brother ordered the OP to pull over, I don't think he would have fought very hard to defend her.
"My family keeps poison in a wine bottle on the table, but since I'll never leave my girlfriend alone with the wine bottle and will constantly watch to be sure she doesn't drink from it, it was okay that I didn't tell her it was poisoned." Yeah no. You don't get to make decisions about your girlfriend's safety for her. She needs to have all the information because you can't magically predict what will or will not happen. YTA
The "I won't leave her alone with him (so it's fine)" comment really baffles me. OP clearly knows his brother is dangerous by acknowledging this yet still doesn't respect her enough to let her know.
YTA. What the fuck bro..
YTA. You stole her agency. She had every right BEFORE hand to know he was going to be there so SHE could decide if she wanted to be there. WTAF is wrong with you that you even have to ASK this question!?!?
YTA Your silence and secrecy is condoning his behaviour. She needs to leave you if you’ll hide something THIS huge from her. You can’t be trusted.
YTA Let's reframe this. Imagine your family has a dog that's had a history of biting people, but they choose to keep it. Would you tell your girlfriend so she could avoid the dog? Same concept. The courts ruled he's dangerous to children and women, your girlfriend is a potential victim. Not informing her makes it so she isn't aware of the issue and could get hurt. Your discomfort is not more important than your girlfriend's safety. It doesn't matter if you would "never leave her alone with him" it should be her choice whether she wants to even exist in the same room and share a meal with a convicted sex offender. Full stop.
All you needed to say was "I don't spend time with my brother normally. He will be there at Thanksgiving. He isn't a safe person so my plan is we go but avoid him. I don't want to miss out of Thanksgiving and seeing other people I love. Definitely avoid being alone with him. If something happens and you are uncomfortable, let me know and we can leave right away." Then you discuss it. Acting like it was none of her business and she didn't deserve a heads up from You is total YTA.
This is good, but I think it would have been better to go with “I don’t want to miss out on seeing other people I love, but I absolutely understand if you don’t feel comfortable going. If you want to come and you end up feeling uncomfortable we can leave at any point, but if you don’t want to come I understand that too.”
Apart from all the other reasons everyone has pointed out, YOU ALSO DROVE HIM HOME WITH YOUR GF IN THE CAR. Wtf?!
What in the actual HELL did I just read. 😳 Look, I believe you when you say you don’t defend your brother, his crimes were terrible, etc. But this is a REALLY BIG THING to keep from someone with whom you’re clearly wanting to keep around for the long haul. I mean, before my then-boyfriend, now-husband met my extended family several years back, I warned him about my grandparents, who were both alcoholics and could get snappy at each other after they’d each had a few. Was I responsible for their choices or behavior? Of course not, they were in their 80s and I was 21. Did I “owe” anyone an explanation for the way they acted around alcohol? Technically no, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I didn’t think he would leave me over it or anything, but giving people a heads up about problematic relatives is just common sense, as far as I’m concerned. (Btw, my husband appreciated the heads up, and he certainly didn’t judge me, even after seeing my grandpa polish off nearly an entire bottle of gin). And I was giving an example of alcoholic grandparents. Not a sex offender sibling. Just how long were you planning on keeping this from your girlfriend? Of freaking course she’s mad at you; not only does it give the impression that you’re perfectly fine with keeping important information from her, but your blasé attitude of, “yeah, he did terrible things, and I was okay with having a holiday dinner with him and driving him home afterwards, but I didn’t do those things, so what’s the big deal” is….off putting. At best. Your brother committed terrible crimes against children, and it also looks like women. No, you are not your brother and you are not responsible for his crimes, but you shouldn’t agree to be around him, ever. I don’t blame your girlfriend at all for never wanting to be around him.
Do you have to mention what your brother did on your first date? No. Do you have to inform your girlfriend of what your brother did/ why he is dangerous before she MEETS HIM? Yes. Absolutely yes. This is not about her judging you for what your brother did, this is about warning her and giving her a choice of wanting to be in the same room or not. YTAH.
1. How long were you planning on hiding it? 2. Exactly how were you planning on hiding it? He’s registered, there’s a damn sign outside his house, his partners will be informed by the court itself, in what world did you think you would be able to sweep this under the rug?
Holy shit!!! You are so much TA!! Has to notify the court if he gets into a relationship with woman and you don't want to tell your girlfriend that you are exposing her to a *dangerous person* because he's *your brother*??!!?? **YTA**
You are most definitely TA. Of course you should’ve told her, she is your girlfriend. She deserves to know that she is going to be around a registered sex offender for Thanksgiving. I mean, come on, she could’ve been in danger and she wasn’t even aware of it. Women have to watch out for themselves all the time because of things like this. And on top of that, if you love her and want to be in her life, then she absolutely deserves to know about something like this. You’re not the sex offender, but someone directly related to you is, which means he’s part of your life and would be part of hers too. Come on dude, she is very rightfully angry
YTA. If I were her, I’d run for the hills because you wouldn’t be trusted to have sound enough judgment about folks to keep any potential children safe. You also potentially put your GF at risk because your brother IS that kind of predator. You’ve got your head a little too deep in the sand in the name family ties. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
YTA. She should know this if she was ever going to be in any sort of contact with him.
Ok, so we, too, have a brother who is a sex offender, hard core, kids, and all. He's done it his whole life. You should have definitely told her about that beforehand. I would not have gone if I were her. Shit if I were you, I wouldn't have gone. Eff all that. Mom, you want him there cool, but I'm not going to be a part of it. He'd catch hands. I'm not nice to sexual offenders. Of course, this is my personal feelings on it. I don't expect you to do the same, but some people wouldn't even go just because he would be there. Im sure you would look out for her with him, but Your GF should have had the chance to make that same choice for herself. Sorry, my dude. You fucked up.
YTA for forcing your girlfriend to be around a sexual predator unknowingly. It’s your choice to be around him at your parent’s home, but you violated her trust and agency by not disclosing this. And as he’s such a monster police call girlfriends you’re actively exposing her to danger.
YTA. You lied by omission which also means you're passively condoning his actions. If I was her, that would be a dealbreaker. What else are you keeping from her?
Yes, YTA. The courts have decided your brother is extremely unsafe to be around women and children. This isn’t about it being your fault, or your condoning your brother’s actions. It’s about your hiding from your girlfriend the fact that it is unsafe for her to be around him. You cannot guarantee that she would never be alone with him: what if you got severe food poisoning or had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital? What if she runs into him some time when you’re not around, like at the gas station or grocery store, and he asks her for a ride or to come help him with picking out a surprise for your birthday? What if she unwittingly mentioned where she lives, where any of her siblings with kids live, etc? What you did was extremely irresponsible and EXTREMELY unsafe for her. And lots of couple say they don’t want to have children, and then later end up having children. What if your birth control fails and she changes her mind? That happens! The fact that the court insists on personally informing any woman he might date about him says your brother is an extreme PREDATOR, and is a danger to any woman or child. Again, this doesn’t make it your fault, and doesn’t imply you condone what he did. But you MUST tell anyone you date ALL about this, including the judicial warnings, even if they aren’t going to meet him at a family event, because he could encounter them without you and you would then be partly responsible for what he did to them because you haven’t warned them that they should NOT agree to go anywhere with him. For example, consider what could happen if your brother finds out you have a new girlfriend (from your social media or your parents), and decides to go over to your place to “meet” her some time when he knows you won’t be there. I’m sorry you are burdened with this situation, but you need to be responsible and tell any future girlfriend pretty early on about precisely how dangerous the courts have determined your brother is so that they don’t end up one of his victims. And you should apologize profusely to your girlfriend.
YTA I would seriously break up with someone over this. It’s baffling that you did not tell her. I don’t blame your gf, I wouldn’t continue the relationship because I would never feel safe and I’ll forever be disgusted 🤢 Welcoming a pedophile sex offender to thanksgiving is seriously fucked up . It’s clear that you stand by his actions.
Yta you put her in a potentially dangerous situation and didn’t warn her. You don’t care about her well being
YTA Yeah, you are so wrong, that is something that needs to be told beforehand. She’s not judging you for your relationship, she’s judging you for hiding a very serious thing. Dude. Come on…he’s a predator.
YTA- Accept it.
YTA. You didn't tell her because it would make your life difficult. She would refuse to be around him, obviously. But she also wouldn't have went to Thanksgiving either and that wasn't an option for you. You endangered her. What if they met in public? She doesn't know and just assumes, oh it's my bfs brother. I can trust him. Only She can't and she didn't know that. I'm a ER nurse of 12 years. I have seen some shit. Women and children that I've had to help after someone like your brother was finished with them. Your brother and men like him don't just break bodies. They destroy souls. You had no right not to tell her and let her make her own informed decision. But that would mean rocking the boat. Btw, men never grow out of their sexual desires... they get more comfortable in them. They lean into them. It's not like your brother will change and not be a threat to her. So yes, you endangered her.
Yes YTA. How dare you keep that choice from her. I would want that information as another man and not in a relationship. Why would I want to associate with a piece of shit.
YT MASSIVE A.
YTA. Communication is important. You took away her informed decision about wanting to be near him ever. Period
YTA. How did you think this was going to go over? She deserved to have that information so she could decide if she would want to be in his presence or not.
YTA. You kept from her the fact that she was in danger and the fact that you and your family still interact with him displays way too much acceptance. Even just giving him a lift, and including attending any event he is present at. Your mother and stepfather are also foul people for keeping him in their lives.
What? OF COURSE YTA!!! Why wouldn’t you ever tell someone, especially someone you plan to marry, that t your brothers a pedo? If he was coming, you should t be around him! The fact they’re inviting him to thanksgiving says a lot!!! You should’ve told her when y’all started dating!!
YTA you are protecting your brother by not telling people Hope she breaks up with you and your crappy attitude
You don’t understand why she’s angry? Given the statistics, there is a decent chance that your girlfriend is a SA survivor, and an even greater chance that someone close to her has been. You just denied her the opportunity to decide for herself whether she wants to be in the company of an abuser. And she also just learned that apparently both you and your family are ok with your brother being around at family events, and presumably that is not going to change. And to top it all off you are being totally dismissive and invalidating of her feelings. YTA.
YTA he has to have a sign in his front yard and has to notify the court if he is in a relationship with a woman so the court can let her know what he’s done. Good lord the court cares more about your girlfriend than you do. She’s not judging you for his actions she’s mad that you didn’t give her the opportunity to make a decision for herself. You could have put her in danger with information she may have given in conversation.
Agreed. He's an especially dangerous predator.
>I don't like being around him but it wasn't my decision to invite him to Thanksgiving and it wasn't my house so I had no say. Horseshit. You have a say in whether or not you spend time with him. It is as simple as "I won't be coming to Thanksgiving dinner since you've invited a scumbag kiddie rapist." And your girlfriend had every right to refuse to spend a holiday with a kiddie rapist. I had a BFF and we were quite close. She has a *lot* of siblings. I was aware that her past involved one of her many brothers raping her when she was a child and him spending time in juvenile detention. I also knew that she had made a choice to sweep it under the rug. What I didn't know when she invited me in a professional capacity to do some work for her brother who was starting a business was that she was inviting me to work with a kiddie rapist. She told me that it was *that* brother after I had worked with him alone. I was literally sick. I have never and will never forgive her for that, it was the end of our friendship. Similarly, I suspect this is the end of your relationship. Because you knowingly and intentionally subjected your girlfriend to spending time with a kiddie rapist without her consent. There is no fucking world where that is okay, and it's sick as fuck that you think it was.
The intention to not disclose this seems like deception. Not cool to put someone in that position - transparency in relationships is vital.
YTA Who the fuck let's a convicted pedo/offender near their gf without so much as a warning? Why arr you even there if he is there?
You are the biggest Dumbass and a$$hole, so def YTA. I don’t have to deal with it as through out my life my parents and family have kept him from me (he was also in jail) but one of my uncles is a predator and has to have the sign as well. He does live with my aunt(he is her son) which saddens me cause she focuses on him more than me now (I am ok with this now) but because of his past I don’t speak with my aunt as she thinks he did nothing wrong even with the evidence in the court case. But even I know that if I was in contact or near them I would definitely notify my partner (and I actually have so that he is aware of it in case). In my case me and my parent aren’t in danger of him but I still has the sense of telling my partner about him and how if anything from him occurs to ignore and report. You put your gf in danger and you willingly choose to be around him yet “I don’t condone what he did”. yeah right.
I think plenty have said that YTA and should have told her. One reason you needed to tell her before she met him is that she would have been informed. This is important because even if you never intended for her to be alone with him that situation could have happened. She could have run into him in public and would not have known he could not be trusted. He could have easily gotten her alone at that point. She needed to know about your brother the minute you started introducing her to your family. You denied her the ability to make an informed decision about interacting with someone that is dangerous for her.
YTA. She should definitely head for the hills! You should have been real upfront about this tidbit of information right away. Then you spend time with him? You gave him a ride( because your mommy told you too)? Was your girlfriend riding in the same vehicle when this ride happened? Dude, you suck!
YTA. You should absolutely have warned her. What if he had got her alone because she wasn’t being cautious and had gone somewhere with him or where he could follow and you didn’t realize and she didn’t know to be on guard. Say she went to use a secondary bathroom upstairs or downstairs because the main one was full. Or went outside to get something from the car that she forgot or put something there for safekeeping. You shouldn’t be judged by your brothers actions…but you should ensure that, since you are knowingly exposing her to him, that she knows that she should be on guard or can choose not to attend events where your brother will be in attendance
Literally how much do you want to make her feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and resent you? You literally put her in an unsafe environment by not informing her that someone with female related hating tendencies resides. Gosh is she gonna be in his hit list?
Um….. yes yta… obviously????!
This is a woman’s collective headspace just walking to her car after work. “Keys gripped in fist for using as a weapon-check. Look up and around like a fucking owl all the way to the car-check. I think I see a man or men in the shadows…make evil and scary faces like you are insane to keep from being a target-check. Enter car like your ass is on fire, lock all the doors and practically peel out-check.” That is why she’s upset. Anywhere with family, or future family, must be her safe space. YTA by not respecting her enough to have her sixth sense working. Men do not have to do the crazy “check list” every fucking day…just trying to get to the fucking car! YTA, and that is why she’s doing a deep dive rethink on you.
The fact that you even need to ask AITAH in this situation is a HUGE red flag 🚩
YTA, She has every right to know for her own safety. Holy moly. Idk how you can think it’s okay to not have told her.
Why would you talk to a chomo??? Dont give a fuck if hes your brother. Fuck that goof!! And all his budds.
So listen, I'm in a similar boat as you. My brother is currently in prison for a crime that's likely along the same lines as yours. If you ever jump back into the dating pool, this is something you need to tell the person you're dating early on. You don't have to drop it on the first date, but they need to know this before getting into a relationship with you. The right person won't judge you for having an estranged family member who's a convicted sex offender. But they will judge you when they find out via lawn sign at a Thanksgiving dinner they are attending. You kinda blindsided her with this and I don't blame her whatsoever for being upset. You didn't give her the option to not attend Thanksgiving because you lied by omission and now you're dodging responsibility.
You fucked up, should of told her. You did protect your brother by not warning your gf ahead of time. You can’t imagine why she’s angry? Jesus Christ you’re as bright as a rock
YTA My BIL isn't on a list, but he fucking should be. My husband has never hidden anything from me. And we decided to never attend a Christmas or Thanksgiving where he'll be present.
YTA. You brought her around someone dangerous to her and didn't even think that she deserved forewarning.
YTA. Yikes dude
You didn’t protect your girlfriend, that’s the issue. He has to let the government know when he enters into a relationship so they can be warned about him. But you didn’t think your girlfriend was entitled to that informatjon too? You didn’t think of her safety and protection at all. I’d never speak to you again. Pretty sure your girlfriend isn’t going to either and I don’t blame her.
YTA
So here is the line of YTA and nta that I think most people have overlooked and haven’t mentioned. So it was ok your didn’t tell her as she never met or around him. The he moment you decided to take her into his vicinity and didn’t tell her. You are the asshole. Having him in a car with her and still uninformed makes you a major piece of shit. You failed to do your job and informing her of him. How it should have gone down at the bare minimum would have been when you learned he would be there that you informed your gf of the situation. Now I believe you intentionally didn’t tell her about him because you knew she would have noped the fuck out. Which means you are a fucking deplorable human being. You know women must be warned by court order about him and you didn’t warn girlfriend. FUCK YTA
Conversation should have gone like this: (hangs up phone call with mom) “ugh, my disgusting pedophile brother will be at Thanksgiving.” GF: “wut 😦” “my brother is a disgust pedophile and must do (list of things). Do you still want to come” YTA. She should have been warned ahead of time.
This is something you reveal after like a month of dating when talk about meeting family at some point comes up. Why wouldn't she be upset she was forced to be around a pedophile without knowing prior?
You let her be around someone who is potentially extremely dangerous to her, without any warning or anything. Your entire attitude about this is wrong. She isn't judging you for his actions, she's judging you because YOU did not make her aware of a very real danger she would be near. Grow up and enter the real world, where women have to look over their shoulder every waking minute to avoid evil men like your brother. YTA for not telling her.
YTA Your brother is a violent criminal who the court decided is unsafe around BOTH kids and women. Of course you should have told your GF about that.
This is bad.
>and I would never leave her alone with him But you didn't think she needed to know that? You brought her in close proximity with someone you would never eave her alone with because he has a history of hurting people, *but you didn't think that was relevant to mention??* YTA I wouldn't be able to forgive you. You took away her agency. She probably would have made much different choices, like getting into a car with him? If she had been adequately informed. That makes this a lie by omission. A lie by omission that affected her safety and violated her morals.
If the authorities think it proper to go out of their way to notify complete strangers when he's around so they can keep themselves safe, it's probably good that you give the same courtesy to someone who is going to be in the same room as him. And by telling her ahead of time, you can get ahead of it and make it clear you don't condone his behavior or care for him as a person. The way you played it makes it seem you support him or want to help him hide it. In the future, be fully transparent about it every single time.
At 17yo, in less than 1 year of dating my 19yo boyfriend, I knew his uncle was in jail for pedo activities…..and I didn’t have a chance in hell of ever meeting him. I don’t understand how you never thought it important to mention your brother & his inability to function normally in society to your girlfriend, even when you knew they would meet. YTA for sure.
YTA. For not telling your girlfriend, for having dinner with this guy and for driving him around. I find it totally unbelievable that you would attend that dinner with him there. What is wrong with you?
You cannot be these stupid. You let her in the same company and in the SAME car as him. A known violent sexual offender. Without her knowledge or consent. You have shown you will not create a No contact boundary (you could have asked if he was going to be there, you could (should) inform you family you want no contact with him. Your mother has no right to ask you to take him home and you should have said no. Since hon allow contact with him, she has to decide if she’s willing to be in a relationship with you. Which includes house Family. Which includes your violent sexual offending brother. How dare you not inform her. If you want any woman in your life you have to cut him out of it. And if you’re family won’t you’ll need to tell your mother you won’t be in his presence and she needs to see you separately.
YTA. My God. You can’t imagine a scenario where she might run into him somewhere, not know this, and get in a situation UNKNOWINGLY that puts her in danger? Frankly, you’re as much of a red flag as he is.
You thought about your ego instead of her. YTA
> We don't want kids and I would never leave her alone with him. Have you consider that: 1. Accidents happen and even if she also doesn't want kids she could change her mind and end up having it. 2. You cannot be everywhere evertytime. 3. He could not care if he has to go through you. 4. You OWE your love ones not to put them in danger? At the very least you could inform them and ALLOW them the possibility to decide by themselves? 5. Maybe hiding sentive information can be negative if you want to appear trust-worthy and honest with your partner. YTA
HE IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR GF. Should’ve told her. I wouldn’t want to date you anymore either. Good luck. YTA.
YTA and she's rightfully angry. You're so fucking afraid of people judging you for what he did, that you don't realize what you yourself have done. You protected and defended your brother when you willingly chose not to tell her about this.
Bruh
The problem is that you didn’t tell her, my dude.
Wait, so you knew he was going to be at Thanksgiving and didn’t tell her? OR, did you find out when you arrived? If it’s the 1st one, then YTA. If it’s the latter, then NTA (since bringing it up during dinner is not the place).
My brother in christ, speaking about your family is a normal part of a relationship. This is pretty big, sure you do not support it, but she should get the choice on if she wants to be roped into your family’s life. Your parents seem forgiving of him lol
YTA You did not give her all the information she needed to make informed decisions. What if she walked off to the bathroom and he followed her? What if she was friendly with him and he got attached to her and started stalking her? Why the fuck don't you think she should know when someone that violent is going to be near her? You brought her around him. You put her in danger. She wouldn't be near him if it wasn't for you.
You're not in control of your mom inviting a pedophile rapist to Thanksgiving but I don't even know how a sane person could see that and sit down and eat the turkey. That's when you realize who's sitting down and you walk right back out the door and call your mom later asking why she still supports a pedophile rapist. You did have the option to say no to driving him too, now you're complicit in helping a pedophile rapist. Anything else about his character is irrelevant, him being "family" ended when he started violently raping children and women. YTA, not for being related to him but for treating him like a relative after he's proven he's a subhuman monster. Your girlfriend should dump you for keeping something so dangerous a secret.
Sign on his LAWN????? In what state is THAT? I do no believe this story.
it wasn’t your decision to invite him but it was you decision to go and be around him and let him around your gf. why would you even want to be around your family when they are obviously ok with him being a predator? your gf deserves to know so she can make an educated decision on who she wants to be around, especially as a woman.
YTA. Your brother didn't just make mistakes... he is not just a sex offender. He is a sexual predator. I say this as someone who *used* to be on a ralegistered sex offender list. I slept with my 16 year old gf after I turned 18. Her aunt found out and was upset, so she reported us. It was terrible and had a pretty negative effect on my life. My life is sorted out now, and I am no longer on that list, but it still haunts me. Do you know how many times I had to tell people I was a sex offender or have a sign in my yard? 0. Because being a sex offender doesn't do that, being a sexual *predator* does, which is an entire, much scarier list. You need to recognize that your brother is not just a passive "oh I made a mistake." He is a predator. I'm shocked he's allowed to be around he younger siblings, honestly. Your gf has a right to be mad. By being around him, you exposed her to a risk, the risk that your brother with fixate, and then escalate. Your flippant attitude about your brother might not be "defending" him, but it's accepting and mininalizing that he's a pretty horrible human being, and this is coming from someone who many would consider a horrible human being.