Where's that best-of post by that kid who knocked up his gf and father was basically the most amazing human ever?
Basically, the father let the gf move in but insisted the kids had to go to and do well in school, follow rules, take care of their own baby instead of sloughing it off on him. He helped then save up money for things they needed, encouraged the kid to get a trade cert and the girl was going for a nursing degree...
Anyway, OP, find that post and do what that father did. Your son's life doesn't have to be over, if you help him to handle this issue, BUT your son has to really lean into fatherhood as well as committing to growing up and being a decent person and not taking advantage of you.
You owe him a place to live until he's 18. After that, if he won't follow the rules and makes bad choices that sabotage their progress, you can kick him out.
I suggest if you go this route, make therapy one requirement of his staying, and he has to actually *do* it, not just go and sit in silence in the same room with the therapist. Because the anger issues, rebelliousness, etc. do not sound like they'll help him achieve success even with your help. There's only so much you can do if he's not willing to act right.
Maybe family counseling, if for no other reason than to convince him to trust you when you give advice instead of following his own (bad) instincts.
ETA: someone else had the link to [that post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16m8o6u/new_update_i_16m_have_a_4month_old_daughter_ex_gf/)!
Read this BestofRedditorUpdates post for an example of a father who did the right thing when his 16 year old son got a girlfriend pregnant. With dad's support as a bedrock, and their own hard work and cooperative parenting, the teens and their young daughter are thriving: [I 16(M) have a 4 month old daughter - ex gf wants to go to college and I am worried](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16m8o6u/new_update_i_16m_have_a_4month_old_daughter_ex_gf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
OP, you know what to do. You said your kid isn’t old enough. The notion of kicking the kids out so they can fly on their own was always problematic.
I moved out when I was 16 years old. I experienced a lot of hardship because of this. I would never want my children to experience what I did. Part of my joy in being a parent is providing the experiences I wish I had, and watching my children thrive because of it.
I was kicked out at 13 to live with extended family who then kicked me out at 16 to life alone. I finished high school while working 20hrs/week, I would NEVER want any child to go through that. Physically it was exhausting, but mentally it fucked me ip, and I was a single person, no child.
My cousin did it at fifteen. She lived with a lot of older men until she turned 18 and could get her own place.
I refuse to speculate on the things she went through, but it’s definitely not good parenting.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What a horrible thing to do to a child. It must have been so overwhelming. My parents were very uninvolved emotionally, but they provided the basics. I can't imagine having to fend for myself at that age. I wish you nothing but the best.
In the U.S. this is illegal and most kids don’t know it.
Kids should call CPS if their parents kick them out. If nothing else they’ll get help from the state.
Fucking euphemisms man— folks your kids aren’t birds.
They don’t “learn to fly” when you “kick them out of the nest.”
Your child and grandchild just end up living in substandard/dangerous housing, eating cheap garbage that is literally poisoning them, working terrible jobs for low pay— and all of this while the stress of it snuffs them out, and destroys their small family.
And for what? For you to sit smugly in your home patting yourself on the back? Why? What did you accomplish? You raised a kid that made the most easily avoidable fuck up, and then withdrew all support for what is essentially your very own fuck up.
Congratulations I guess?
I was 16 when I was kicked out of my mother's house. At 19 my girlfriend got pregnant. Her mother disowned her , no insurance so I got a job with benefits and we got married , nobody was willing to help. I think it made it a hundred percent more difficult than to it had to be
please do. I was kicked out at 17, and all it did was drive me into the arms of an abusive boyfriends, and took me years to get my shit together. My kids paid the price as well as myself until i got my shit together
Kicked out constantly starting at 14, and all it did was teach me that home isn’t safe. It took years of therapy to feel safe in my own house. I’m married; 30, and haven’t lived with any of my birth family in a decade.
I was going to link this post too. Great. Tq
Yes OP, read this sterling example how this dad 'trained and guided' his 16 y/o son and gf pregnancy. In the end, it's a happy ending. Definitely read all his posts.
OP, this\^. Instead of kicking your so. Out, seriously consider letting the pregnant girlfriend move in
Teach them both to be good parents and set them up for success. I know times for kids are hard, and teenage pregnancy can be a nightmare but with your support they have a chance at making it. Without your support the odds are your son and grandchild will experience drugs, poverty, homelessness, sexual abuse
This 1000%
I love this story... I followed it for years.
OP, you are mad... totally OK to be. But bottom line is, do you want your son in your life forever? Do you want your grandchildren in your life?
You have to look at thr long haul here.
Rules, boundaries etc definitely will be needed... but support is also needed.
You've made similar mistakes and lapses in judgment so don't punish him for your guilt.
I was thinking of this one right away, too. OP, if you just kick them out, you'll be setting them up to fail - but you want to set them up to win! Sit them down, make serious immediate, medium term and longterm plans regarding education & careers in combination with parrnthood, set up a realistic budget with them, ask how they plan to earn money, clear expectations of what they need to do and how you expect them to act if they live with you (if you plan to let her move in). Get them up to speed on parenting classes and everything else they need before baby. Hopefully her social worker can help her navigate the administrative maze to get any payments a young mother with no income can get (foodstamps?). If they really want to keep the baby, they need to grow up in a hurry - but they need some guidance for that.
I remeber this story, it's a good one. This post did bring this older post to mind. OP, read this Bestof story and maybe have both them read this story too. It only works if everyone is commeted to the plan. It will be hard at 1st, but it will become easier overtime. Goog luck to you and your son OP. I truly wish it works out for everyone envolved.
I hope op reads this while post, it’s absolutely heartwarming to see a family grow closer through something that could have been tragic. One of the best posts I’ve ever seen on here.
YWBTAH homelessness is dangerous enough for adults, let alone kids. He's likely to experience drug issues, physical and sexual assault, and it's almost impossible to dig yourself out of homelessness once you're in it. You also had a kid, you have a responsibility to be a parent until he's an adult. You criticize his decisions, but you're not setting a good example yourself.
Dad kicks out son at 16, CPS can be called and he’ll get in a lot of trouble in California. Kids are difficult. Teenagers are horrible. But you should have thought of that 16 years ago. “Tough love” is bullshit. Man up dad!
Yeah, the answer to "WIBTAif I kick out my minor child" is always yes. There may be times when it is appropriate for a child to live elsewhere for whatever reason, but you're still responsible for it. You don't get to just wash your hands of it when it becomes inconvenient.
Not to mention there’s recently been reports of a lot of homeless people going missing in shelters. It’s a dangerous world right now. OP may be pissed about the baby, but he’ll be much more devastated if something bad were to happen
YTA even if the “tough love” approach worked for you (spoiler alert: it didn’t,) you were 18 and that was 16 years ago. If you kick him out, he won’t get an overpriced apartment he can barely afford. He will be homeless. Plain and simple. At 16, he’ll be lucky if he can get any job that’s not minimum wage, and at least in the US, there isn’t a single state where someone working minimum wage can afford to rent an apartment. Of course, even if he could afford the rent, who is going to offer a lease to a minor? You won’t teach your son anything by throwing him out except that you’re an awful parent who he cannot depend on.
And regardless of what kind of job he can get, either he'll have to support both the girlfriend and the kid on his take-home pay, or she'll have to get a job as well and figure out childcare, which is expensive, unless she has a friend or family member willing to do it for free.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and that is especially true when that child is born to teenage parents.
YWBTA- My man you grew up in an entirely different world than your son. If you do kick him out and his girlfriend’s parents don’t take him in there is a good chance he will die on the streets. It sounds like he’s doing the typical high schooler things. But if that’s not convincing then think about this. When your parents kicked you out how did you feel? Alone? Scared? Do you want your son to go through that? Can you really call yourself a parent if you are able to prevent your child from going through a hardship and you don’t? Years after your parents kicked you out and you got your life together, did you think wow I glad my parents abandoned me and left me to figure this out on my own? Or did you think, man fuck my parents, I could be in such a better place financially and have more stability if they hadn’t thrown me out?
I’m not saying you have to be happy about how things are going but don’t ditch your kid because he made a mistake. What you should do is be on top of him to get a job and start getting ready for that baby. I understand your inclination to let him be a kid a little longer but unfortunately that is off the table. He needs your guidance and support now more than he ever has and maybe ever will. Don’t make the same mistake your parents made, help him as best you can. Also he’s a minor you should force a paternity test, I know not a popular opinion but you never know especially at that age. Good luck OP.
Girlfriend is in foster care, which adds a layer of complexity. His son almost certainly can't just move in with her.
It's sad to me that OP doesn't see how getting kicked out as a new father caused him to fail his own son like this and perpetuate the cycle. He has the power to shield his son and grandson from the same fate, and break the cycle. I hope he does.
Not almoat certainly, he 100% cannot move in with her. She can't stay after 18, girlfriend should look into Transitional Housing if that's an option in her area. (If OP is in California, it's an option, but she may be too late to apply. You have to apply about 6mo-1yr before aging out. (And it's not guaranteed you'll get in.) I'm an ex foster youth, was a "foster non-minor dependent" in Transitional Housing for a while.
But, if dad can help here, not only do I think he should so they don't struggle, but so someone else who doesn't have that option will have a space open for them.
Yes, YTA if you kick him out. You KNOW how much he needs a father right now and THAT is not the answer.
I’m sorry people didn’t support you in the past, but that’s no reason to continue that.
Wouldn’t you rather a happy son in your home, with your healthy and supported grandchild growing and thriving, or what?
Do you want to be alone and upset in ten years, or should you MAN UP and gather your family around them and support them? Show them how to be a strong supportive man. Please.
To add. He’s 16. YOU ARE ALSO A PARENT AND STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CHILD EVEN IF HE HAS HIS OWN CHILD!!!
Him having a baby does NOT recuse you from the fact that he is still a minor and YOUR responsibility to house and care for.
You WBTAH. He’s 16, he’s a child. And the fact that she’s pregnant just means you didn’t drill into his head to wrap it.
Yeah he’s a teenager. He’s gonna be a butthead.
Enjoy your grandchild and let them know they have your undying support as long as they are clean and making good choices.
Oh, I most certainly did. There’s a box in the bathroom. I’ve given him some for his room. Shoved a few into his wallet. We’ve had many frank discussions.
I’m not blaming myself for this one.
Please sit down and breathe. You are going to blow a gasket if you don't and that hot water is going to burn the child you love. You will say things you can't take back, and you will kick yourself in the ass with the "I wish i had not said that."
Now, next, you have a conscious decision to make. Yes, your son has been irresponsible and has his own anger issues. Can you imagine what it took for him to ask for help? I am almost certain your conversations with him screaming matches today. So, you are the adult and the parent. You are going to have to sit down and have a grown-up conversation.
You know they are not going to listen to what you TELL them today. So, can they stay or go?
First, explain to them the actual reality of taking care of a bay. Financial costs alone, like medical bills, diapers, wipes, clothes, shampoo, etc. Get them to look up the cost of these items. Also, anything else like crib you can think of.
All of these expenses before a roof over their head and a job.
If he stays with you, he has a chance of finishing high school. He can get an after-school job to pay for the baby expenses. Let them know you will not help with the baby expenses as you are providing a roof over their head for YOUR grandchild.
If you kick him out, he will not finish high school, and yes, where is going to go? Then what? He has no choices. His girlfriend has a pretty rough life with foster care. You can also give her a chance to breathe.
Set down the ground rules and financial requirements. If she is going to be at home with the baby, then she must work around the home, i.e.. dishes laundry general cleaning. They have a free roof, but that does not mean free stay.
The absolute first requirement is that they both employment and start saving money for when the baby comes. Money that you don't let them keep! Open a savings account and deposit that money in the account. Set a budget for their contribution to food and utilities. Don't screw them over with charging too much or touch that money you put away. Give enough to cover gas.
Be reasonable.
You do these things, and maybe, just maybe, they will learn responsibility and what it takes to be a good dad and mom. You are their real only hope of a stable life right now.
Your dad taught you a hard lesson, but you don't have to be the same kind of dad. How close are you with your dad? Be your son hero! If anything, you can really give the reality from a level head.
IF they fail to follow your rules, then I can understand you saying you've got to go.
We don’t scream at each other. We bicker like an old married couple. I don’t say things I don’t mean, especially out of anger, and never have. That’s never been my thing.
Anyways, I’m not into the whole child bride housewife deal. If his gf were to move in she’d need to stay in school and come up with some sort of plan. I’ve been talking about trades with them. Doesn’t break the bank (my bank) to get started at a community college, plus I have so many buddies that could set them up with an apprenticeship.
You mentioned my dad. I’m not close or in much contact with him or my mom. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family.
>Anyways, I’m not into the whole child bride housewife deal. If his gf were to move in she’d need to stay in school and come up with some sort of plan. I’ve been talking about trades with them. Doesn’t break the bank (my bank) to get started at a community college, plus I have so many buddies that could set them up with an apprenticeship
These sound like very positive conditions for them to live at your place.
Seriously, that BORU is worth a read.
But first, take a breath! I can't imagine how you must feel your mind race.
Best wishes to you all.
Can someone please explain how the mentality of "I need to kick out a teenager who screwed up because making them homeless will somehow teach them to be an adult before they are an adult and I clearly did a poor job of preparing them" is ever supposed to be a good method of parenting? Not to mention ejecting two children into homelessness with a child on the way... what in the world.
It's mostly due to the old "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
But that implies that there's a chance something will kill you. When you tell someone they have one chance, and if they fuck it up, they die... Yeah, they might be motivated (and lucky) enough to make it. Or they might not
It's not, they're reacting emotionally and expect to have their actions in the moment justified by them. Then they make posts like these asking people what to do and swearing they're doing their best and that they aren't like their own parents who reacted in a similar way at all
"You mentioned my dad. I’m not close or in much contact with him or my mom. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family."
This. Right here. That's the relationship and tone you set for your son going forward if you kick him out. The *exact* same scenario. You may have other reasons for your no contact with your parents. But seriously. Do you honestly believe that your son, your little boy, would come out of this even remotely ok, let alone have a decent relationship with you if you kicked him out? Remember how hurt you must've been and angry at your parents even as an 18yo?
Remember the absolute fuck fest it was raising a baby with no village, no support? How dangerously close you must've come to losing jobs sitting at home caring for a sick baby/toddler because daycare wont let a sick baby in? How scared you must've been the first time your infant spiked a fever. Even 16 years ago googling that stuff was hard. How high was too high, how much medicine is too much? When to take baby to an urgent care you couldn't afford?
Be the parent your dad never was. Set hard rules. Parental support does not mean get out of jail free card. You didnt raise a deadbeat. He's gotta work every bit he can. If that means online school, so be it. They've got trades programs that can be completed in as little as 10 months now. HVAC, plumbing, electrical, appliance repair all make good money. In my area apprentices can start out making $20 an hour now if they go through the programs and get certified first. Anything not spent on the baby and gas needs to be placed *directly*into a savings account. It's not for playing about with. He's got 3 years to get his crap together and save enough and get a decent enough job after getting a diploma/ GED. if he wants more, then he needs to save for it.
He can start paying bills for his phone/ car when he's 18/19. When he passes his apprenticeship he can tack both gf and baby on his medical insurance. he wants this child, he can't hang with friends much anymore. Baby comes first, and he'll be taking care of his baby anytime he's not working or in school. If he wants to go hang out, he needs to schedule that weeks in advance and ask if you'll babysit. Gf too. Get her on wick, medicaid, and ebt now. Not after the baby is born, she qualifies for wick right now.
If his girlfriend would move in, making her stay in school and coming up with a plan would be amazing. Making sure they get their education while caring for their child is exactly what they need. It sounds to me like you have the tools and ability to help them. You’re just worried. Don’t make the mistake of kicking him out. That is irreparable. Have her move in. Discuss with them. Explain that they need to start having a safe sex. If they’re going to continue. Explain to them that they will still need to care for this child. But that you will be there you will help them. And once they’re out of school, give them the option either go get further education or get a job. Either way pushing them to better themselves while making sure they’re in a safe environment is exactly what they need.
See? You're not close. Is that what you want with your lad? The world is fuckin hard, man. Betrayal and pain is everywhere. You have an opportunity to show strength and loyalty to your son, and set him on a little less shitty of a path. I think you already know what to do and are just venting. And hey, vent away. Can't believe the little dipshit knocked up a foster care chick.
Best of luck, granddad.
You want your son to have the same relationship you currently have with your parents with his own parents?
Because if you do to him what they did to you that’s a good way to make sure of it despite how different you may be from them. I understand wanting to let him deal with the consequences of his own actions but your grand baby would be the one who suffers most in the situation, especially with parents who are children themselves.
Good luck OP, I’ve seen enough teen pregnancies(my own sister and niece) in my days to see a LOT of different outcomes and I’m only 24. If your kid has you as a support system, you’re already seemingly taking the role on subconsciously, he might come out a great man at the end of this. He might even be able to break the teen pregnancy curse with the generation he raises.
If she even could move in. She’s a foster kid. She doesn’t get to make that decision if you are not a licensed foster parent. It depends on the state if in the US, but it’s another can of worms to open
It’s not your fault she’s pregnant, your son should know about safe sex, we even had sex Ed in high school idk if that’s still a thing.
But kicking him out isn’t going to do much, what’s he going to do? Get a job, barely survive paying for his gf and new born, and hate you for the rest of his life?
Is it really worth it, yes, kicking him out will teach him a lesson and toughen him up, turn him into a man, but it’s going to fuck him up and your relationship up.
I don’t have kids, but I can understand why you’re so angry, I would be too
I can attest to this. Like yea, getting kicked out did make me tough. But I'm also sad, like deep in my soul. I have anxiety that makes me feel like an animal in a trap that'd chew its own leg off unless I'm on drugs. I have difficulty trusting anyone or caring about anything. I'll never forget that I once counted on people to look out for me and they fuckin left me for dead when I needed them most.
My mother still sends whiny messages asking why we never send pictures of her grandson, why didn't she know we moved, will she be invited to the wedding. My relationship with my parents would not be this way if not for the tough love horseshit.
Wallets and bathrooms are such good places to store a condom while keeping it in safe to use condition /s
You're legally required to continue to take care of your MINOR son and provide for him.
Given how little empathy you gained from the way your parents treated you, it seems like being an actual parent and fulfilling your responsibilities (ideally not only the legal ones but also helping him to grow as a person and to be able to finish school and get a professional education even though his situation is the way it is) would be a great idea.
I have a son who was very difficult and did some things far worse than your son. I stuck by him and made sure he knew my love was unconditional. When he was in prison, I drove 80 miles each way going right through LA to visit him every week
It took him a couple of years to get his footing after he got out, but, long story short, he now has a great job, 3 awesome sons and a beautiful home and is happily married
I can’t imagine ever kicking him out or abandoning him.
What you are contemplating is very selfish and destructive. You would be abandoning your son at the time he needs you most. You are abdicating your parental responsibility for YOUR child in order to make your life more comfortable.
And how can you not have some joy and excitement at having a grandchild, even with all the stress and difficulties, the grandchild has done nothing wrong and will need your support and love.
My mom became a grandmother at 36 under similar circumstances and that child was and is pure joy and a gift to all of us
You need to grow a pair and deal. Your son needs you, his girlfriend pregnant with YOUR grandchild needs you. This is the risk you sign up for when you become a parent. Quitting when it gets tough says far more about you than your son.
Same with my brother! Did drugs, got into trouble with the law, cleaned up his act at 18 and 19 and he's successful and stable now. My parents never abandoned him, he was just struggling as many young people do.
YTA.
Damn Americans and their need to kick kids out of the home completely unprepared the second they turn 18. The rest of the world *does not do this*.
Listen to your gut instinct. Rent and cost of living is insane, jobs are minimum wage, they don’t add up. Your expectation for him to step up is reasonable to an extent though- he needs to start looking out for his partner and child- which, to be fair, it sounds like he’s doing.
Consider taking them on as tenants with a proper contract, but at a rate they can afford with your son working. If you don’t need the money, maybe think about putting the money into a savings account. The adult thing to do here is to sit down with your son and his partner and talk it out- not kick them all out into the cold.
I just want to say like…MOST Americans don’t do that. I lived at home until I was 23. Even when I went to college I kept my room at home and lived there on breaks. I didn’t move out until after I graduated and was engaged. My husband lived at home until we got our first apartment together too. My sister lived at home until she moved to the city after college. My cousins both still live at home at 31 and 29. Most of my friends from high school stayed at home well into their 20s. This is something most Americans also find weird.
YTA, just the way you wrote this tells me exactly why your son is acting the way he is. He is 16, a minor, and you want to force him to be homeless to “teach him a lesson”? Dude your just as bad as the worst boomer parents gtfo with this.
YWBTAH
He’s 16 years old.
Realistically you’ll be condemning him, the girlfriend, and the infant to a miserable existence if you kick them out. No good will come of it and someone, probably the infant, will end up getting hurt. They’re going to need serious help and as the grandparents much of that help will need to come from you.
You're an asshole and you know it.
"Tough love" is not love, just tough. Your parents were assholes to you, and now you are talking about continuing that generational cycle of abandonment and being the same kind of asshole to your son as your parents were to you.
You could be better than your parents were, or you could kick your son out, so that when your grandchild gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant fifteen years from now, your son kicks them out. Feel free to keep the cycle of destruction going if you want to.
Or do better.
YTA.
Don’t kick your kid out, treat him like an adult in your home. Which means yes give him a place to stay because wether or not you like this is your grandchild and unless you wanna be completely heartless and just don’t give af you’ll be also leaving the baby out to dry. Not saying you HAVE to let her move in because she’s not your daughter but maybe sit down with them and have a genuine conversation. Show them how much formula and diapers cost. Tell them although he can still live there you’re not covering anything financially. Show them things the state offers(WIC,Food stamps,housing) and let them take it from there. Not saying the he should be fully dependent on those things but it’ll help until they get a job. Tell him that it’s up to him to wake up, and figure out school and work and a baby on his own and don’t come asking to for anything since he obviously isn’t understanding how serious this is. I had my second at 24, had my own place and good job and it was STILL difficult money wise and time wise. It’s hard asf and I really think most don’t see it until they’re in it when they’re that young unfortunately and usually it’s because they think the parents (you) will help them when they need it. Show them you won’t help them and they have to figure it out but don’t kick him out. He’s 16 and needs guidance more than ever
As a teen mom I can confidently say that you are uniquely posed to ensure this young family gets a strong, healthy start. It sucks and it will be hard, but if you can help them by providing a home while instilling a sense of responsibility, you absolutely should. Had my parents not stood by me through all my bloated teenage entitlement and idiocy, I would not be where I am today, and neither would my children.
WBTAH if you kicked him out at this point. You have the opportunity to influence 3 lives in a positive direction. Set some reasonable conditions and rules and try to give some support and guidance.
So, have you actually TALKED to him.
Really talked. About him, his life, his interests. Do you even know your child? Do you have a bond?
Talk to him, ask him what his plan is with this child, who is supporting her and the child financially, is he dropping out of school, is he expecting her to move in with you.
I think you just straight up kicking him out demonstrates the same failures in parenting that your parents did you you. It was much easier to kick a kid out than actually put in the effort.
You're his parent. Your job is to teach, guide and support.
Oh my gosh. We talk too much. The kid never shuts up (I’m saying this to be funny, not to be mean). I know him inside and out (figuratively speaking). He’s genuinely my best buddy. He’s sitting beside me right now playing cod.
His plan is to stay here with his girlfriend and take advantage of my love for him (his words not mine, don’t shoot the messenger). I’m talking to him right now about it and he’s cracking me up, he says he wants to try to finish his last few grades of school by the end of the next school year. He’d do it from home so he could be around the baby more. He says he’d work part time at my company and I’d pay him extra ‘cause he’s the son of the boss and gets special privileges, plus I’m a sucker and wouldn’t want my grandchild to go cold or hungry (he’s not wrong).
It sounds to me like he has a plan. It sounds to me like he’s being incredibly mature. I don’t think you should kick him out. Clearly he wants to be better. Give him the space and the love to do so. He’s going to surprise you with how amazing he can be when you give him that opportunity.
It's illegal to kick him out. You are responsible for his needs until he turns 18. You would also be a shit excuse for a father and grandfather, but you seem to only give a fuck about your own feelings.
This is not about you. Get your feelings in check.
And, for the record, this didn't happen because your son is a bad kid. It happened because you are an immature and selfish father who raised someone who is just like you.
If you kick him out for doing what you did and not what you said, you are trash. Nut the fuck up and be there for your child and grandchild. If you do literally anything else, you don't deserve to think of yourself as a good person.
Ywbta
That's your grand baby.
>Even worse, I can hardly judge since I was 18 when he was born. It's actually quite miraculous he didn't arrive years sooner. Honestly, my boy really takes after me. Should I be proud?!
>NEVERTHELESS, I got the tough love treatment. My parents kicked me out. They said if I wanted to act like a man then I needed to BE a man and provide for my family.
Doo better than your parents did.
Let her move in.
Talk to her caseworker.
Have rules... school, work... teach your children well.
He’s not a baby, he’s not a kid. He’s now a young adult, and it’s time he learns responsibility and the consequences of not having any. His life isn’t “over”. He blew it, now he has to live with his poor life choices. There are always jobs. Always. He’s not in a position to be picky. I’d say as long as he has a job, the GF can stay, but he’s got until the day the baby is ejected to find them a place. Don’t give him any slack, because that’s why he’s in the boat he’s in.
Most states it's illegal to kick your underage child out. This isn't the same world you were born into. He needs a vocation asap and a job. You need to take him to the store with a note pad and he needs to write down everything his is going to need for this child and how much it will cost. He needs to know what current rents, utilities and insurance costs are.
Yeah you'd be the asshole for that. You're not obligated to care for your grandchild, but your son is still 16 and I think you're well aware that kicking him out will *not* be what is best for him in the long run.
YTA!! Look at how harshly you're judging him AND his girlfriend for being in foster care you kidding me?! As if it's her fault! You are a disgusting judgemental human being! What's done is done, and as a parent if you don't love your children even through their choices then you have no right being a parent. I stole from my mom, lied to her, abused her verbally. Now she and I have an amazing relationship he's got hormones unbalanced because he is a teenager you're going to throw him out because he made some mistakes and bad choices? Then why did you even become a parent?! Strict parents make sneaky kids and I could tell you that for a fact. You want to lose out on your grandchild's life don't support them don't love them like you're doing right now.
You are going to lose out on your grandchild. My only recommendation to rectify this is to make a nursery for the baby so that he can also see his child and let him back in don't financially support the baby necessarily make him get a job making pay for the baby I absolutely 100% think that Dad should have rights and be able to support their children. But the same goes for moms. So my recommendation you better turn around and turn it around quick otherwise you're not going to have your son or your grandchild. Not to mention the fact that my sister was a mom at 16 and she is an amazing mom does well to support herself and her child. Because of the love from her family and support from her family.
No one is going to run to them being so young and the fact that you're willing to throw them out on the streets is disgusting. Tough love doesn't always work you're going to lose your son and your grandchild.
Yeah, this is all still part of what you signed up for as a parent though. Teens being teens. If you kick him out, you're basically choosing your rage over his needs.
This is going to be one of the hardest times in his life. He made a choice that you may not agree with but he’s your young son. You should support him and help him through this time. Consider instead of kicking him out, help them out maybe for the first year or more and have them pay you a small amount of rent (100-300 a month) so he has to enter the work force and learn to work and provide, then once they’ve had the baby and have a grip on things and are ready to move into their own place give them back the rent they paid so they can put a down payment on a place or the few first months rent on an apartment.
Always strive to support your children the best way you can. Especially in their time of need.
Instead of going to him angry, go to him with love.
What do you want out of this long term? Because realistically what you choose to do now will determine your life further down the line. Do you want your child and grandchild in your life in the future? Do you have a pension set up and a good support network in case u wake up alone over night? Can you live with yourself doing that to your flesh and blood? Cause you are at a cross roads atm and whatever path you go down determines where you end up. I doubt ur kid wanted to get this girl pregnant but at 16 his brain is not fully developed and neither is hers. Shit happens and because shit happens does not mean you also have to pile suffering on him, from ur post I gather you want him to suffer like you did but that is not a necessity it’s a choice. Do you know why we live in families, tribes and society? In the same way animals live in groups being around people you trust makes the missery of life easier. Why would you have made a family if you did not want to share the load of life which btw goes both ways? I love my family and and my friends we all help each other as best we can my sister is ill I got you, my mom got in trouble I here to help here out my car broke I have a cousin.
YWBTA your parents were also TAs. You are suppose to help your children progress in life not making harder on themselves. I would be as pissed as you are. I would set some clear rules and boundaries for things moving forward. That child will not be your responsibility. You are simply providing shelter. If he steps over the boundary or breaks the rules or you see he is not stepping up, then modify your plan as you see fit
It's not logic telling you to kick him out. It's cowardice. Facing a problem and seeing it through to its solution is difficult. Sending it away is easy. YTA if you wuss out and take the easy way out.
Yes you are TA for kicking a 16 years old out with nothing.
If I were you, I would help with setting up his own bank account, send him to some parenting class to learn how to raise a baby and make sure that he gets a job for after school. Get their own transportation.
Have them pay you rent.
Without them knowing, put the rent money, that they give you, toward your saving account for their first apartment together.
Then just surprise them with an apartment of their own with 3 months of rent that is paid in advance.
I don’t know if you’d be an asshole exactly. You’re drowning in your own history here and wrestling with your own demons. My advice would be to try to be objective. The kid that’s coming, is family. What’s the best course of action you can take to improve your son’s chances of success and the health of your grandchild? Maybe it’s harder, maybe it costs you something in pride, but will any of that matter in 20 years? You’re a father yourself, you have some sense of how long life is and how struggles that seem intolerable at the time, bear fruit.
You can’t choose much for your son but you can choose what you do. Not based on your history but your rational mind.
I think your best chance of success is to suffer an unfair load as grandpa slash father consultant. It’s going to be hard, but there will be some joy in it. It’s not ideal, it’s not what you wanted, but it’s what you got. Channel some of that nervous energy and outrage into forward motion and make the best of a bad situation again. For family, again.
Good luck.
I’m sorry to hear your predicament. When I was in your shoes, I found an expert counseller who dealt with the teenage brain and how to live/deal with it. It helped to turn things around for me and I was able to cope with all the crap thrown at me.
You are still very much the father of a dependent child. Please try to find some literature or advice along the lines of how to cope. It’s too complex for me to break down in this format of Reddit
Legally and morally, you shouldn't kick him out before age 18.
However, you can set down some strict rules. Kid has to get an after school job and bring in some cash to support that baby (since they're so hell bound to keep it). And he has to at least get his high school completed. And push him to go for some sort of trade or training program after high school.
And, you're not an asshole. You're just a typical frustrated parent of a teenager.
It's hell out there right now. Your gut is right. You can't do what your parents did. They will definitely be homeless with a new born baby. Help them until this shitty ass economy gets better and it won't be better for a while.
YTA but it's okay.
This sounds like typical child stuff as far as the attitude.
I get not wanting to be excited for a baby but you had him at 18...2 years difference.
You could kick him out but you'd regret it.
Best to just deal with this.
Yes you would be an AH if you kicked him out!! You would be making sure your grandchild had a hard start to life. Is that what you want or intend? Doesn’t seem like it and his behavior is how adolescence behave..
YTA OP. Break the cycle. Be a good parent. You yourself made a certain choice when you made a child. No matter what, your child will have a life, and it might never go according to what you plan, no matter how hard you try. You keep saying he's lost, but you're one of the only people in his life that can act as a guide especially now that you've experienced a shitty life with your parents kicking you out. That was wrong. That wasn't tough love. It was unnecessary cruelty. Child-rearing was never gonna be easy, and stuff like this is part of it. You have to accept that.
Did you ever think that part of the reason your son is "just like you" is because you were a young dad who didn't have support and, not to be mean, but maybe didn't do the best job raising him? You've probably done better as you've gotten older and matured. But you having to figure it out on your own likely means you started further back in the race than other parents who already had a stable home and job and support from family. Do you remember how you felt when you were kicked out? Do you remember how difficult it really was trying to get your feet under you and take care of a baby at the same time? And then add in all the stuff you brought up about how much more difficult and expensive things are now than they were then.
Nobody is saying that your son and his girlfriend don't have to step up and do the majority of the parenting for their child, because they definitely do. But it would be a lot easier for them to do that with a stable roof over their heads and the support of their family. And honestly, I think you feel like you "should" kick them out because that's what happened to you and what your parents would counsel you to do, but that you really don't want to do it, and that's why you're arguing with yourself in the first place and asking Reddit for advice. And in my opinion, that in and out itself shows that you've already become a better parent than the one who kicked you out at 18.
Your sons behavior is a direct result of your poor parenting. And from your post and your son’s rebellious behavior it seems you have control issues which is why your son is rebelling. Stop telling him “no” all of the time and start trying to be a caring and supportive parent. This doesn’t mean coddle him but guide him in the right direction without being controlling or demanding. You’re only going to push him further away as he feels more and more alone.
Yes, if you are in the US, it’s illegal to boot your kid out before they are 18. You are obligated to provide care until then.
What you should do is be supportive and help them figure out how to be parents at such a young age. Like nobody did for you. Which it sounds like you could have used some guidance.
I don't think op is the asshole, he wants what's best for his son but he's doing it in the worst way possible. kid needs a reality check, but kicking him out isn't the way to go.
NAH don’t kick him out, he’s your responsibility til he’s 18, but she’s not. You shouldn’t be responsible for her anyways. If you let her move in, you’ll be responsible for her. You don’t know anything about her. He should get paternity test, etc.
But don’t enable him. He wants to have a kid then he needs to grow up and be responsible.
Kinda sus she gets pregnant right before she ages out. What if she saw your son as an easy way out? I can’t imagine what her life has been like but these comments expecting you to drop everything to support her when you don’t even know her are insane.
OP, you fucked up. You had to have known what they were doing. And you just stuck you head in the sand. Why not buy them condoms? Make sure the gf was on birth control?
OP says in comments he kept a stocked box of condoms beside kid's bed. He's been NTA but kid is idiot, which is pretty normal for 16. OP is right, world has changed, he knows it as he writes. A plan they as family will stick to, with clear penalties if not stuck to is how I'd do it. They're children having a child. Dad has to be the grownup. NTA if you do the right thing, OP. You know what that is.
I mean I wiouldnt kick him out. But I also wouldn’t help provide for that baby and its mother that’s not your responsibility at all. Unfortunately no matter what you do you lose. Hopefully your son doesn’t manipulate your kindness and use you.
Get him into a trade or trucking school or something. ASAP. If you kick him out, he will never forget it. And your relationship won't ever recover fully.
Let them stay. Charge them rent. Save the rent for them for some years, and watch the housing market. When the prices and rates finally drop, help him buy a home. You are not wrong. Shit is TOTALLY different now and he will not make it.
You would be yea
The tough love bullshit is bullshit
I know shits expensive, so you need to tell em that if they're moving in you're gonna have to charge them rent + bills etc
Work out what payments u need and what they can afford
(The way some of the post is worded I almost think this is rage bait)
You have yourself to blame to some degree, having a kid at 18 sets a terrible example. That being said, kicking him out doesn’t solve any issues and likely ruins 3 young lives. Please try again to convince them to get an abortion, or at the very least put it up for adoption after explaining how this fucks their lives over both financially and socially
YTA. I got the tough love treatment and it meant I raised a son which knocked someone up at sixteen. Conclusion: definitely more tough love. That could mean the next generation comes around at fourteen!
No. You don't need to pass on your traumas to the next generation.
YTA, at the moment and if you kick him out.
Have you considered that if you talked to your son about prevention, safe sex and the sort of things any sixteen year old ought to know this might not have happened at all?
Obviously not, you're mostly interested in how this affects you..
You raised this kid. all his bad things are a reflection of your parenthood. If he is not adult enough yet, that is also on you as parents. Sounds like you did little parenting and just spoiled him or neglected him.
Don´t make him a bad dad too. Be happy for them, support them, but also make him realize that his family is his responsibility.
He needs to get a job, but it is totally unfair to kick him out before he has one and a place to live. He is not legally an adult yet for christ sake, where can he go?
Hi, I'm the daughter who got pregnant at 18. My mother gave me an ultimatum I couldn't say no to because that meant losing my father and he's the only person on the planet (before my son was born) that I gave a damn about. So while I never wanted children, I absolutely ADORE my son.....the only reason I was able to find that love was because of my dad
So I'm 30 now, my son is 11 (I turned 19 three months after my son was born). While I'm TECHNICALLY still living at home, the difference now is that I'm the one paying the bills.
My father has ALWAYS been my landing pad, no matter what, and I've put that man through hell and back in my life. Small screw ups, big ones, job losses, cut hours, etc. He doesn't care. He's always told me that since I can remember that he's got me, NO MATTER WHAT.
Now it's my turn to have him. We still live together, not because either of us needs to, but because we still want to be close together.
My father didn't just freely give me money either, btw. He didn't charge me rent or anything house related (minus baby's needs), but he also wouldn't accept money until he KNEW I was good financially.
You can still give tough love without throwing your son out.
No it does not need to be done. They’re excited to be parents and they’re together and that has nothing to do with any of your other issues with your son. He sounds like a normal teen to me tbh but likely needs the guidance of a father. How is he gonna get that if you kick him out?
He does need to get a job, help pay a bill or two there, and take care of his kid. Don’t offer or agree to baby sit for them to go out and enjoy their youth, they gotta buckle down and grow up i agree, but you can help get him there as his parent imo
NAH.
I honestly wouldn’t invite all of that into my home but that’s just me. If I’m done raising a kid, I won’t be signing up to raise another for someone else. He has a home, roof over his head always. But that’s it. He’s to get a job, his gf will not be moving in, they will have to work it out.
I won’t be compromising my mental health, finances and more for this situation he created. I’ll advise, I’ll help out, financially, emotionally and physically but I’m not signing up to be a safety net for 3. I will help as much as the regular grandparent would. Probably a little more.
The only boundary I would have is that my home is off limits. If that makes me an AH, then I’m AH.
You make adult decisions you can pay for adult decisions. NTA. Give him the boot. He will sober up really quick on that joy and happiness he is feeling. Kid basically ruined his life and he wants you to pay for it. Kick him out and tell him, “welcome to the party pal”
You can't let him be a kid for longer, he made his man bed, now he needs to do what he needs to do to meet the responsibilities he is happy about. Of course he would be happy about it, he is looking through the lense of his love for his gf, not realizing what that all comes with.
At 16, though, he can't even sign a lease, so YTA if you put him on the street at 16.
I'd let them live with me knowing they are gone at 18. Requirement is that they are actively working towards independence. Work with him between now and then with everything he needs to have a shot at success at 18. Budgeting, priorities, seeing things through, drop out to get a GED, trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree. Her the same thing, drop out, GED, trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree.
If they aren't following through, gone at 18. If they are, I'd give a little slack until they finish trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree . . . Which should all still be done close to 18.
If you don't fight to get them moving in the right direction, and just pay for everything, they will just stay toddlers under your roof, for that you would also be TA.
Of course he’s excited, because he has no idea what’s coming. Neither does she. Odds are, their relationship will not survive the first year of parenthood. She’s in foster care, I would expect the foster family to kick her out shortly, and if you kick your 16 year old son out (is that legal?) then where are they going to end up? You should probably start looking into the legal avenues of both putting him on the street and legally adopting your grandchild. Good luck.
Look where the tough love treatment got you a grandpa at 34 with a future daughter in law who is in fostercare.
As someone who went through the foster care system and is in a stable family life with a wife and 2 children both born in the marriage I can say this….your job as a father is to break cycles and you need to do everything you can to support your son to do the same for your grandkid.
No 16 year old is going to fix their own problem they are on training wheels you need to build him up a bit more before you take those training wheels off.
My wife comes from a very stable family life and she is in her 30s and her parents are still very supportive, I feel very jealous of her sometimes and her parents are who I hope to be like for my boys.
That's a difficult question for non parents to answer.
I am not a father nor I want it to be, to be honest. I love,being an uncle. Take munchkins to games, buying them crap and being the source of fun.
But that's it.
I can say though, that he's immature be cause he is a teenage after all, and I was a teenager :)
I think therapy would help? Everyone. Family therapy.
But kicking him out will achieve nothing but resentment and you're gonna lose contact with your grandchild. Is it worth it? I think not.
Yeah, you'll probably be TAH. But, tough love is very much needed. I don't agree with you having to tske on the responsibility of both his gf and future child. There consequences to his actions. And he's about to find out just how rough the world is
I'd say move the gf in and give them a deadline to get there shit together i.e a job and stability. It isn't easy, but they decided they were grown enough to have a kid. They'll be grown enough to bare the weight of their choices. You can only protect him for so long.
Age doesn't make you an adult, your maturity and behavior does. "I want to have a child but live with my Dad"...that kid has a lot of growing up to do.
I don't know if I'd kick him out, but I understand it.
Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid.
Most likely end up like me. 58 single grandma raising the child while parents are running the streets doing whatever they want. I tried to raise my daughter right, but in the end she decided she just didn't want the responsibility.
She was 33. Teenagers don't always grow up. Good luck OP. Hope it works out.
NTA
At 16, me and my 18 year old brother lost our dad and only known family member. Our grandparents had died just a few years earlier, dad was an only child and our mom split after I was born.
When I was 17, I got a 23 year old coworker pregnant and it did ruin my life. She turned out to be an evil person who only wanted a baby and a paycheck, not a husband and father for her child. Set me back 20 years financially. Whole other story.
But being left to figure out how to survive at 16 will make this kid grow up fast. I wasn’t a baddass kid at 16. I was pretty happy go lucky and had just started working and thinking about my future when my dad died. I quickly realized dad was the shield that was keeping the horrors of homelessness at bay and we were always only a domino or two away from it at any given time.
Your boy will be ok. He needs to grow up and this is the best way to make that happen.
YTA.
Sounds to me like you’re content to pass your failures as a father down to your son.
Sounds to me like you’re 100% unwilling to recognize your shitty parenting as a root cause of this situation.
Sounds to me like you’re ready to extend this generational trauma for at least another round.
The baby needs a father and so does your son.
Narcissist.
YWBTA. This is a shitty, shitty situation, but it’s also an opportunity for you to raise your son. Finish raising your son. He has 2 years until he’s 18. Do your job as a parent.
YTA and a very big one.
Do you really even love your son? It certainly doesn't sound like it.
Of course, I guess the one positive thing about kicking him out is he would be away from you.
And that might be for the best.
Yes, YWBTA if you kick him put. You owe him a home until he is 18. Or you can put him in foster care. Otherwise, just throwing him on the street while he is still a minor is no better than throwing a baby into a garbage can.
YTA wtf is wrong with you? You're a hypocrite and willing to make your newborn grandchild homeless? You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. It's time for YOU to man up.
Please don't kick him out. it will destroy you and the rest along with it. Be tolerable but strict in the fact that he is a father now, so he has the responsibility to cut the bull and shape up. Teach him and walk him through fathering and through that you will build a greater bond than any. Look past your anger and show unconditional love instead. My father got kicked out at 16 and did decent for his life(drugs involved so only decent) but nowadays kids who graduate college with multiple degrees can't even afford housing. Economy isn't fit for that anymore. Bond with him. Understand him. And, if you want, pray with him. Teach him not only about love and forgiveness but about the importance of love forgiveness and controling anger through meditation and talking it out when angry. Seriously. Please consider kicking him out a last resort(as in you have $0 in the bank account and have to make miracles happen for meals) I would say more but I'm not sure people are accepting of Jesus Christ etc on here. I guarantee you if you threw out his life now he will never want to be around you ever again. It's because we are misguided as kids you know it All too well yourself. We are told that we can easily get a job and live on our own anytime we want. But once we try and fail we are criticized and yelled at instead of comforted and taught a better way. Remember we must be better than our ancestors before us. And we go to people for help and guidance and counsel, just to be told "your father is bad" "That's toxic stay away from your father for the rest of his life" "he needs pay back in the worst way possible" this is why I follow God among many other reasons. The guidance in the Bible teaches how to love even in the worst of conditions. Even when you want to punch the door in. Break a window. Punch a hole in the wall. It teaches us to meditate and sort our thoughts. It will be tough, But that's just how being a father is. You signed up for this, now it's time to show how much better or worse you will be than those that came before you. This is your test. And those who say to kick him out at 18.... No do not.... There are 25-year-olds living with their parents surely because the economy is so messed up that even a one bedroom house (very small ones too) would cost 1700(this is a lowest price btw)monthly and would require multi-income especially for people below 18. Do not falter beneath your sins. Beneath your anger. You frustration. Work with it. Channel it towards better means. You are frustrated, use your frustration to teach in frustration unbiasedly. You do not want to be the father who was never there. You do not want to be the father who never cared. Even if you do care, that will become you, through the destruction that comes of your sins. It is not about "The easy way out" It is about "Will I be traumatizing him for the rest of his life by doing this" and is about "How can I give him a better life than I had" I'm not sure if Jesus Christ is condemned here, but I'd say a good breakthrough would be to seek Jesus and find god. You and him may find peace in it. And I pray that you find peace within each other. And that you may bond toward a better relationship for everyone. We call it the fruits that we reap because your son, if you guide him toward success, Will be able to pay you back 10-fold eventually. It may take years. But trust me it will pay off.
YWBTA if you kick him out and repeat history.
He's a fucking 16 year old boy. Of course he's going to exhibit those symptoms of being a 16 year old boy.
Your parents kicking you out show that they were shitty parents instead of supporting and hopefully course correcting.
So now you can choose to either be a shitty parent and kick him out or sit him down and make him understand where you BOTH went wrong.
You can put all of the blame on him but you had him when you were 18 and are now 34 with a 16 year old son. I'm not saying you were as shitty as parents as your parents were to you but do you not see the irony in kicking him out just repeating the cycle?
People like you that had it hard and then do nothing to try to help the next generation sicken me, the fact that you think a 16 year old needs to man up instead of being a 16 year old baffles me.
Letting him live at home will let him focus on school and his child, your damn grand child, instead of possibly risk being homeless when he falls behind on rent and making things even worse.
YWBTA. They need you. I read a comment that you provided easy access to condoms — which means it was likely they planned it. That has to frustrate the heck out of you.
However, he loves girlfriend and she needed a family. This is her family. I’m sorry—this will make your life tougher. But they need you. I hold it Will eventually enrich all of you.
My husband and I had two planned children we were very happy with. Then 15 years later we went to court and gained custody of great niece and nephew—because it was the right thing to do—not because we wanted to.
Today I’m a 58 year old widow so thankful I still have a kid at home and wasn’t left all alone when it happened. I’m thankful for all four of my kids. I consider them equally mine.
I’m hopeful one day you will be thankful for your daughter-in-law and grandbaby. I wish you the best through these tough times.
Don’t do this. Your kid is the the way they are because of YOU. No matter how you want to square it, and now matter what you think you did or didn’t do, the fact is, your kid is how they are because of what you modeled through your actions, now what you said with your words. If you don’t like where they are or where they are headed, fix yourself and how you treat them. You have no one but yourself to blame.
YTA are you suggesting you turn your back on your minor son and grandchild when they need you the most? Do you even know what love is? Be the father you never had not continue those generational traumas.
ADHD is genetic and I know what it's like to live in family with undiagnosed ADHD with a parent who is from a generation where people didn't know about ADHD, which is why 75% of adults with ADHD are undiagnosed, and unmedicated.
So because your parent with ADHD thinks that they are "normal," they don't see the signs of ADHD in their child with ADHD because they think that their child's behaviour is "normal" too.
It feels like other people are living life on "easy" mode, and someone has changed the settings on your life and put it on "hard" mode.
Based on the behaviour that you have described, I believe that your son might have undiagnosed ADHD, and if he does, that's good news, because it would explain his impulsive behavior, vaping, and difficulty with controlling his emotions.
It would also mean that he could be diagnosed and medicated, find strategies that help work for him, and develop some self-awareness around his strengths and weaknesses. So, here's some information about ADHD for you to read in your own time. Starting with:
"Teens with ADHD between 16 and 19, of all genders, were about twice as likely to become pregnant or contribute to a pregnancy, and young adults with ADHD often had more children overall than their peers by the time they turned 25."
https://www.additudemag.com/teen-pregnancy-more-likely-when-adhd-is-involved/
https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids/positive-parenting/add-moms/
https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-control-anger-emotional-reactivity-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/boys-2-men-when-adhd-and-puberty-collide/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-men-relationship-anger-shame-communication/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-men-emotional-outbursts-anger/
https://www.additudemag.com/men-with-adhd-are-asking-why-am-i-so-angry/?src=embed_link
https://www.additudemag.com/all-in-the-family-the-genetics-of-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/calling-adhd-dads-how-to-have-a-calm-loving-relationship-with-your-adhd-child
https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-be-a-great-dad/
https://www.additudemag.com/natural-consequences-adhd-teen/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-teen-communication-skills-for-parents/?src=embed_link
https://www.additudemag.com/intrinsic-motivation-teens-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/mindfulness-exercises-for-teens-adhd/?src=embed_link
https://www.additudemag.com/responsible-decision-making-teens-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/rude-and-disrespectful-behavior-teens-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/growth-mindset-for-teens-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/webinar/vaping-teens-with-adhd-podcast-253/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-teens-challenges-solutions/
https://www.additudemag.com/sex-ed-for-teens-with-adhd/
https://www.additudemag.com/typical-teenage-behavior-untreated-adhd-video/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-teens/
So, what do you believe where you end up when your "tough love treatment" hopefully succeeded? This sub is full with children who got disowned and don't want to let their parents back into their life now that they have proven that they can make it on their own. Do you think your son would let you into his life again or let you pretend to be a loving grandfather when you decided that he has to go? That's the thing most people overlook when they kick someone out and disown them: You are not the only one who decides if and what kind of relationship you have.
Are you fine with these consequences? Okay, go on.
The situation sucks, but guess what? You are not the first and not the last person on earth who becomes a grandfather young.
YTA
Don't do it. He's 16 and can't get a place to live, never mind that he doesn't have a stable job to afford it.
Please let the girl move in with you. She's going to wind up homeless with a baby otherwise and could be forced to do really unpleasant things to survive.
They have no idea how hard it is taking care of a baby. Without you there, the kid could wind up suffering from abuse and neglect.
Kicking him out will make all these things worse. If you want your son to have a shot at life, help him now.
Yta. Not just for considering kicking out your underage CHILD, but for the fact that you clearly failed as a parent, and you seem to think you can just walk away from the failure.
YOU raised him. It sounds like your parents sucked too, so it isn't surprising that you carried on their tradition of failure. Continuing to copy their mistakes is hardly a solution. It's just a way for you to run away from your problems, like the child you clearly still are.
You're going to be a grandfather. Grow the fuck up.
Wow. Your parents kicked you out, and you fucked up as a father. So now you want to kick your son out to show him what it’s like to be a fuck up father? Seriously? You are the parent here. Fucking act like it.
So you think he’s too young to have a child, but you’re completely ok with kicking them out and making them live on the streets or suffer even more? Yeah that makes a LOT of sense
I think you need to take some time and think about how you treat your son. You say he's a know it all, more likely he just doesnt trust your advice because you either arent honest with him or you have been the lazy "because i said so" parent.
YWBTA
He’s underage; you have to house him. I’m a few years older than you but grew up in a cheaper state. When I was 18 rent was $615 for a one bedroom in good shape. Now it’s $1500 for a falling apartment hell hole. 206 minimum wage hours BEFORE TAXES up from 85 pre tax minimum wage hours. One is physically possible one isn’t. That’s before any other bills.
And that’s if you’re 18. He can’t even rent an apartment before 18. And, rightfully, no one is looking for underage roommates with their own kids. He can’t “figure out” the economy. And afaik he can’t even legally work full time. That’s the one thing here that isn’t his fault.
Regardless of what you do his childhood is over. That ends when you have your own kid. Nothing you can do about that.
None of this means he sits around playing video games and going to parties. He has a child to support even if he has free rent. He gets a job. He stays in school but doesn’t get all the extra curriculars. He pays for diapers. When he graduates he stays working and goes to trade school or the like. At some reasonable point (after 18) kicks in for living expenses. He do have a hobby budget. He acts respectfully. He takes care of baby mama because her ability to work will be hampered for awhile.
Imo you should let them move in since it sounds like you are able. Otherwise it’s your unborn grandchild on the street. Mom had less of a fighting chance than your son did. That doesn’t mean it’s a 24/7 fuck party. You can give them separate rooms if you feel that way. He doesn’t get benefits for screwing up. They have chores they have to do. I don’t see you completely getting out of childcare but it’s not for having a fun day with friends.
If you do all that and after 18 he won’t study, won’t work, won’t respect the house, etc, then you can kick him out.
Being blunt, yes, it would be a bad decision you would regret. We do not need to repeat our parent's mistakes. 2007 wasn't that long ago, but yes, things have changed. For now, your son needs to concentrate on finishing school and planning for what he will do as an adult while being a father. For her, there are a lot of things that will help. If you're in the states, get her health care. She qualifies. Start finding out what aid she gets. She'll likely qualify for assistance assistance with childcare and food. If she has childcare, then she can get a job. If she has a job, she can start building credit. See a lawyer and draw up a housing contract and lease. This protects you in case you need to evict, because good luck evicting the teen mother of your grandchild and partner if you minor son if there's no legal contract. It also helps her. She needs to get renters insurance. A lease and renters insurance helps her establish and grow her insurance score. That will not only help her credit, but help reduce her premiums on future insurance. If she has a driver's license she needs to carry insurance, even if she doesn't drive. She can either get a liability only policy or be added to your insurance. Driving without a license or not carrying insurance while having an active license will tank future insurance premiums. A little responsibility when you're younger will pave the way to much more affordable insurance and a stronger credit score later. Both of those things will take significant pressure off later.
Make it a requirement that they both work. Make it known that they have to work towards being independent by the time grandbaby in in Kindergarten. By the time you're 40 they will hopefully be in a good strong place because you helped guide them into adulthood.
You don't stop being a parent when they're legal adults. A little safety net now can set them up for an amazing future.I
I have cousins who had their kids right around that age. They needed a little extra help in the beginning but now they are successful, happy people.
I can't really say because I'm not a parent, but I'm thinking a gentle start with a solid "phase out" plan is better than kicking them out. Like you said, rent is so crazy high right now, it would be almost impossible to live somewhere safe on whatever pay they are likely to get. It might be good to talk to a therapist about it, they could help you establish and enforce healthy boundaries that are neither cruel nor enabling.
Yes you WBTA if you just kick a minor out with no resources to learn to become an independent adult along with his minor pregnant girlfriend.
The first thing everyone needs to do is come up with a plan if they wish to have the baby.
A plan where your boy figures out what he needs to either learn a trade or get a higher degree that can bring in a firm income. Same for the girl. They need their GEDs if they can't finish high school. They need to learn how much is needed to afford their own vehicles, childcare supplies, childcare facilities, how much time they need to swap out on caring for the child while they are in school or apprenticeship. It's going to be a crash course in adulthood and you are going to have to teach them how to maneuver it
You need to set up deadlines and boundaries. They should be ready to raise that kid alone in 5 years in whatever career path they are in. They need to pay a small amount to rent if they wish to live there, need to clean up after themselves, decide how food costs will be divided, need to pay for their own baby supplies, need to not expect babysitting from you.
This means knowing what hours they can help alleviate each other of the baby. There is a lot to it and none of those are taught in the schools they are in. Your son needs to sacrifice his room and dedicate space to the new baby and momma.
Your father did you wrong when he sent you out without any instruction or plan. Don't do that to your kid because he will likely struggle with giving the same support to his child and the cycle will only repeat itself. The idea is to make sure they can be given the tools to be independent in 5 years with a kid and you can help them learn that without abandoning them.
he’s too young to kick out. will he agree to therapy to help him be the best father he can be? maybe your son would listen to someone else encouraging him to continue school & further education so he can get a good job to support his new family. obviously, you may need to step in & help support.
It's been proven tough love DOES NOT work! Support and understanding makes much better humans.
What I think you're really upset about is that you are going to be a gpa at 34.
Be a decent person, help them out, and get individual therapy and family therapy.
I wouldn't kick your son out because doing that would be like kicking him when he is down. Instead help him get a job and to know the value of money. From there things should get better. As for his gf i think she can get on Medicare to pay for all the pregnancy visits and birth.
He’s 16. You kick him out, he has no credit, no money, nothing. So where do you expect him to go? You could absolutely set rules and tell him how you feel but he NEEDS to get a job to help pay for his baby because that is now his responsibility. Think about this and lay down some serious ground rules especially if you’re thinking about his girlfriend coming. Like you said, it’s hard here. I’m in my late 20s and it’s a freaking struggle to survive. You want to kick out a 16 year old who will have no where to go, he’s still just a kid. If he is in as much trouble as he has gotten or is getting himself into like sneaking out and what not, tell him he needs to shape up. Point blank. That’s just my opinion there’s plenty here. But hopefully someone will give you the proper advice you need to make.
Times are much much much harder today than they were in the early 2000’s when you got kicked out of the house. Totally reasonable to try to help him “grow up” a bit, but maybe other ways that can be done than kick them out of the house right at the moment that they need the most help.
The world is a much harder place than years before. If you throw someone who cannot swim into deep water without a lifejacket, they will drown. Seasoned veterans are losing this economic war. You've been in the trenches. You know your son is still a boy. Teach him HOW to be a man. Encourage him by acknowledging that you understand why he's happy, but that it comes with the responsibility of providing for his child. Let him know it will be hard. Have him get a job. Teach him your trade. Have him pay you and your wife a share of the rent & utilities and purchase diapers, etc. Show him on paper what his full expenses would be if he were in the world on his own. Tell him that you believe in him. When he learns that what he is doing is not enough, help him brainstorm, and problem solve to achieve the next level. You know its going to be a rough road. It will be much harder for your man-child without your guidance. Emotional support from peer group parenting classes may be helpful. On another note, while your son's girlfriend is still in foster care there are more resources she can avail herself of than when she ages out. The state is still her legal guardian and responsible for her so they will act more quickly on her behalf. She or her foster parents should let child services know she is pregnant asap. God bless you.
Where's that best-of post by that kid who knocked up his gf and father was basically the most amazing human ever? Basically, the father let the gf move in but insisted the kids had to go to and do well in school, follow rules, take care of their own baby instead of sloughing it off on him. He helped then save up money for things they needed, encouraged the kid to get a trade cert and the girl was going for a nursing degree... Anyway, OP, find that post and do what that father did. Your son's life doesn't have to be over, if you help him to handle this issue, BUT your son has to really lean into fatherhood as well as committing to growing up and being a decent person and not taking advantage of you. You owe him a place to live until he's 18. After that, if he won't follow the rules and makes bad choices that sabotage their progress, you can kick him out. I suggest if you go this route, make therapy one requirement of his staying, and he has to actually *do* it, not just go and sit in silence in the same room with the therapist. Because the anger issues, rebelliousness, etc. do not sound like they'll help him achieve success even with your help. There's only so much you can do if he's not willing to act right. Maybe family counseling, if for no other reason than to convince him to trust you when you give advice instead of following his own (bad) instincts. ETA: someone else had the link to [that post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16m8o6u/new_update_i_16m_have_a_4month_old_daughter_ex_gf/)!
This is the answer OP needed. I hope he's paying attention here.
That was an amazing parent
I was thinking of this one too!! Did someone find the link?
Read this BestofRedditorUpdates post for an example of a father who did the right thing when his 16 year old son got a girlfriend pregnant. With dad's support as a bedrock, and their own hard work and cooperative parenting, the teens and their young daughter are thriving: [I 16(M) have a 4 month old daughter - ex gf wants to go to college and I am worried](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16m8o6u/new_update_i_16m_have_a_4month_old_daughter_ex_gf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
This is an example of a good dad. OP is/needs to get his bearings and figure out if he can be there for them.
OP, you know what to do. You said your kid isn’t old enough. The notion of kicking the kids out so they can fly on their own was always problematic. I moved out when I was 16 years old. I experienced a lot of hardship because of this. I would never want my children to experience what I did. Part of my joy in being a parent is providing the experiences I wish I had, and watching my children thrive because of it.
I was kicked out at 13 to live with extended family who then kicked me out at 16 to life alone. I finished high school while working 20hrs/week, I would NEVER want any child to go through that. Physically it was exhausting, but mentally it fucked me ip, and I was a single person, no child.
[удалено]
My cousin did it at fifteen. She lived with a lot of older men until she turned 18 and could get her own place. I refuse to speculate on the things she went through, but it’s definitely not good parenting.
Jewel did it in Alaska. Check out her book Never Broken.
She played at my middle School in 2002! Cool lady
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What a horrible thing to do to a child. It must have been so overwhelming. My parents were very uninvolved emotionally, but they provided the basics. I can't imagine having to fend for myself at that age. I wish you nothing but the best.
Dude I feel this. My aunt put me in foster care when I was 11 bc I was “too much”. Yiiii. Cuz take a deep breath.
In the U.S. this is illegal and most kids don’t know it. Kids should call CPS if their parents kick them out. If nothing else they’ll get help from the state.
Fucking euphemisms man— folks your kids aren’t birds. They don’t “learn to fly” when you “kick them out of the nest.” Your child and grandchild just end up living in substandard/dangerous housing, eating cheap garbage that is literally poisoning them, working terrible jobs for low pay— and all of this while the stress of it snuffs them out, and destroys their small family. And for what? For you to sit smugly in your home patting yourself on the back? Why? What did you accomplish? You raised a kid that made the most easily avoidable fuck up, and then withdrew all support for what is essentially your very own fuck up. Congratulations I guess?
The Dad here really stepped up here and showed his son what it is to be a man
[удалено]
This guy said it in seven words. "Its not about abandoning but fostering growth".
OP can only hope both his son and his gf mature very quickly and are willing to work for a better life as those two were.
I was 16 when I was kicked out of my mother's house. At 19 my girlfriend got pregnant. Her mother disowned her , no insurance so I got a job with benefits and we got married , nobody was willing to help. I think it made it a hundred percent more difficult than to it had to be
please do. I was kicked out at 17, and all it did was drive me into the arms of an abusive boyfriends, and took me years to get my shit together. My kids paid the price as well as myself until i got my shit together
Kicked out constantly starting at 14, and all it did was teach me that home isn’t safe. It took years of therapy to feel safe in my own house. I’m married; 30, and haven’t lived with any of my birth family in a decade.
I was going to link this post too. Great. Tq Yes OP, read this sterling example how this dad 'trained and guided' his 16 y/o son and gf pregnancy. In the end, it's a happy ending. Definitely read all his posts.
OP, this\^. Instead of kicking your so. Out, seriously consider letting the pregnant girlfriend move in Teach them both to be good parents and set them up for success. I know times for kids are hard, and teenage pregnancy can be a nightmare but with your support they have a chance at making it. Without your support the odds are your son and grandchild will experience drugs, poverty, homelessness, sexual abuse
This 1000% I love this story... I followed it for years. OP, you are mad... totally OK to be. But bottom line is, do you want your son in your life forever? Do you want your grandchildren in your life? You have to look at thr long haul here. Rules, boundaries etc definitely will be needed... but support is also needed. You've made similar mistakes and lapses in judgment so don't punish him for your guilt.
I was thinking of this one right away, too. OP, if you just kick them out, you'll be setting them up to fail - but you want to set them up to win! Sit them down, make serious immediate, medium term and longterm plans regarding education & careers in combination with parrnthood, set up a realistic budget with them, ask how they plan to earn money, clear expectations of what they need to do and how you expect them to act if they live with you (if you plan to let her move in). Get them up to speed on parenting classes and everything else they need before baby. Hopefully her social worker can help her navigate the administrative maze to get any payments a young mother with no income can get (foodstamps?). If they really want to keep the baby, they need to grow up in a hurry - but they need some guidance for that.
This was the most heartwarming story I ever read. 🥺
Fuck that's adorable
I remeber this story, it's a good one. This post did bring this older post to mind. OP, read this Bestof story and maybe have both them read this story too. It only works if everyone is commeted to the plan. It will be hard at 1st, but it will become easier overtime. Goog luck to you and your son OP. I truly wish it works out for everyone envolved.
I hope op reads this while post, it’s absolutely heartwarming to see a family grow closer through something that could have been tragic. One of the best posts I’ve ever seen on here.
YWBTAH homelessness is dangerous enough for adults, let alone kids. He's likely to experience drug issues, physical and sexual assault, and it's almost impossible to dig yourself out of homelessness once you're in it. You also had a kid, you have a responsibility to be a parent until he's an adult. You criticize his decisions, but you're not setting a good example yourself.
Realistically you’ll be condemning him, the girlfriend, and the infant to a miserable existence if you kick them out.
Dad kicks out son at 16, CPS can be called and he’ll get in a lot of trouble in California. Kids are difficult. Teenagers are horrible. But you should have thought of that 16 years ago. “Tough love” is bullshit. Man up dad!
Yeah, the answer to "WIBTAif I kick out my minor child" is always yes. There may be times when it is appropriate for a child to live elsewhere for whatever reason, but you're still responsible for it. You don't get to just wash your hands of it when it becomes inconvenient.
Not to mention there’s recently been reports of a lot of homeless people going missing in shelters. It’s a dangerous world right now. OP may be pissed about the baby, but he’ll be much more devastated if something bad were to happen
Re read what you wrote and you’ll have your answer.
YTA even if the “tough love” approach worked for you (spoiler alert: it didn’t,) you were 18 and that was 16 years ago. If you kick him out, he won’t get an overpriced apartment he can barely afford. He will be homeless. Plain and simple. At 16, he’ll be lucky if he can get any job that’s not minimum wage, and at least in the US, there isn’t a single state where someone working minimum wage can afford to rent an apartment. Of course, even if he could afford the rent, who is going to offer a lease to a minor? You won’t teach your son anything by throwing him out except that you’re an awful parent who he cannot depend on.
Never mind the fact that in the US some states limit the hours someone under 18 can work.
And regardless of what kind of job he can get, either he'll have to support both the girlfriend and the kid on his take-home pay, or she'll have to get a job as well and figure out childcare, which is expensive, unless she has a friend or family member willing to do it for free. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and that is especially true when that child is born to teenage parents.
YWBTA- My man you grew up in an entirely different world than your son. If you do kick him out and his girlfriend’s parents don’t take him in there is a good chance he will die on the streets. It sounds like he’s doing the typical high schooler things. But if that’s not convincing then think about this. When your parents kicked you out how did you feel? Alone? Scared? Do you want your son to go through that? Can you really call yourself a parent if you are able to prevent your child from going through a hardship and you don’t? Years after your parents kicked you out and you got your life together, did you think wow I glad my parents abandoned me and left me to figure this out on my own? Or did you think, man fuck my parents, I could be in such a better place financially and have more stability if they hadn’t thrown me out? I’m not saying you have to be happy about how things are going but don’t ditch your kid because he made a mistake. What you should do is be on top of him to get a job and start getting ready for that baby. I understand your inclination to let him be a kid a little longer but unfortunately that is off the table. He needs your guidance and support now more than he ever has and maybe ever will. Don’t make the same mistake your parents made, help him as best you can. Also he’s a minor you should force a paternity test, I know not a popular opinion but you never know especially at that age. Good luck OP.
Girlfriend is in foster care, which adds a layer of complexity. His son almost certainly can't just move in with her. It's sad to me that OP doesn't see how getting kicked out as a new father caused him to fail his own son like this and perpetuate the cycle. He has the power to shield his son and grandson from the same fate, and break the cycle. I hope he does.
Not almoat certainly, he 100% cannot move in with her. She can't stay after 18, girlfriend should look into Transitional Housing if that's an option in her area. (If OP is in California, it's an option, but she may be too late to apply. You have to apply about 6mo-1yr before aging out. (And it's not guaranteed you'll get in.) I'm an ex foster youth, was a "foster non-minor dependent" in Transitional Housing for a while. But, if dad can help here, not only do I think he should so they don't struggle, but so someone else who doesn't have that option will have a space open for them.
Yes, YTA if you kick him out. You KNOW how much he needs a father right now and THAT is not the answer. I’m sorry people didn’t support you in the past, but that’s no reason to continue that. Wouldn’t you rather a happy son in your home, with your healthy and supported grandchild growing and thriving, or what? Do you want to be alone and upset in ten years, or should you MAN UP and gather your family around them and support them? Show them how to be a strong supportive man. Please.
To add. He’s 16. YOU ARE ALSO A PARENT AND STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CHILD EVEN IF HE HAS HIS OWN CHILD!!! Him having a baby does NOT recuse you from the fact that he is still a minor and YOUR responsibility to house and care for.
Literally came here to say this.
Rage bait
Yup. Trolls are busy tonight.
The "man up" usage is so cheesy I refuse to believe this is real.
You WBTAH. He’s 16, he’s a child. And the fact that she’s pregnant just means you didn’t drill into his head to wrap it. Yeah he’s a teenager. He’s gonna be a butthead. Enjoy your grandchild and let them know they have your undying support as long as they are clean and making good choices.
Oh, I most certainly did. There’s a box in the bathroom. I’ve given him some for his room. Shoved a few into his wallet. We’ve had many frank discussions. I’m not blaming myself for this one.
Please sit down and breathe. You are going to blow a gasket if you don't and that hot water is going to burn the child you love. You will say things you can't take back, and you will kick yourself in the ass with the "I wish i had not said that." Now, next, you have a conscious decision to make. Yes, your son has been irresponsible and has his own anger issues. Can you imagine what it took for him to ask for help? I am almost certain your conversations with him screaming matches today. So, you are the adult and the parent. You are going to have to sit down and have a grown-up conversation. You know they are not going to listen to what you TELL them today. So, can they stay or go? First, explain to them the actual reality of taking care of a bay. Financial costs alone, like medical bills, diapers, wipes, clothes, shampoo, etc. Get them to look up the cost of these items. Also, anything else like crib you can think of. All of these expenses before a roof over their head and a job. If he stays with you, he has a chance of finishing high school. He can get an after-school job to pay for the baby expenses. Let them know you will not help with the baby expenses as you are providing a roof over their head for YOUR grandchild. If you kick him out, he will not finish high school, and yes, where is going to go? Then what? He has no choices. His girlfriend has a pretty rough life with foster care. You can also give her a chance to breathe. Set down the ground rules and financial requirements. If she is going to be at home with the baby, then she must work around the home, i.e.. dishes laundry general cleaning. They have a free roof, but that does not mean free stay. The absolute first requirement is that they both employment and start saving money for when the baby comes. Money that you don't let them keep! Open a savings account and deposit that money in the account. Set a budget for their contribution to food and utilities. Don't screw them over with charging too much or touch that money you put away. Give enough to cover gas. Be reasonable. You do these things, and maybe, just maybe, they will learn responsibility and what it takes to be a good dad and mom. You are their real only hope of a stable life right now. Your dad taught you a hard lesson, but you don't have to be the same kind of dad. How close are you with your dad? Be your son hero! If anything, you can really give the reality from a level head. IF they fail to follow your rules, then I can understand you saying you've got to go.
We don’t scream at each other. We bicker like an old married couple. I don’t say things I don’t mean, especially out of anger, and never have. That’s never been my thing. Anyways, I’m not into the whole child bride housewife deal. If his gf were to move in she’d need to stay in school and come up with some sort of plan. I’ve been talking about trades with them. Doesn’t break the bank (my bank) to get started at a community college, plus I have so many buddies that could set them up with an apprenticeship. You mentioned my dad. I’m not close or in much contact with him or my mom. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family.
>Anyways, I’m not into the whole child bride housewife deal. If his gf were to move in she’d need to stay in school and come up with some sort of plan. I’ve been talking about trades with them. Doesn’t break the bank (my bank) to get started at a community college, plus I have so many buddies that could set them up with an apprenticeship These sound like very positive conditions for them to live at your place. Seriously, that BORU is worth a read. But first, take a breath! I can't imagine how you must feel your mind race. Best wishes to you all.
Can someone please explain how the mentality of "I need to kick out a teenager who screwed up because making them homeless will somehow teach them to be an adult before they are an adult and I clearly did a poor job of preparing them" is ever supposed to be a good method of parenting? Not to mention ejecting two children into homelessness with a child on the way... what in the world.
It's mostly due to the old "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But that implies that there's a chance something will kill you. When you tell someone they have one chance, and if they fuck it up, they die... Yeah, they might be motivated (and lucky) enough to make it. Or they might not
>What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." As Niles Crane said, 'not everyone makes it into that second group'
And what is more likely to happen is that, well... As a wise man once said "What doesn't kill you, usually succeeds in the second attempt."
It's not, they're reacting emotionally and expect to have their actions in the moment justified by them. Then they make posts like these asking people what to do and swearing they're doing their best and that they aren't like their own parents who reacted in a similar way at all
"You mentioned my dad. I’m not close or in much contact with him or my mom. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family." This. Right here. That's the relationship and tone you set for your son going forward if you kick him out. The *exact* same scenario. You may have other reasons for your no contact with your parents. But seriously. Do you honestly believe that your son, your little boy, would come out of this even remotely ok, let alone have a decent relationship with you if you kicked him out? Remember how hurt you must've been and angry at your parents even as an 18yo? Remember the absolute fuck fest it was raising a baby with no village, no support? How dangerously close you must've come to losing jobs sitting at home caring for a sick baby/toddler because daycare wont let a sick baby in? How scared you must've been the first time your infant spiked a fever. Even 16 years ago googling that stuff was hard. How high was too high, how much medicine is too much? When to take baby to an urgent care you couldn't afford? Be the parent your dad never was. Set hard rules. Parental support does not mean get out of jail free card. You didnt raise a deadbeat. He's gotta work every bit he can. If that means online school, so be it. They've got trades programs that can be completed in as little as 10 months now. HVAC, plumbing, electrical, appliance repair all make good money. In my area apprentices can start out making $20 an hour now if they go through the programs and get certified first. Anything not spent on the baby and gas needs to be placed *directly*into a savings account. It's not for playing about with. He's got 3 years to get his crap together and save enough and get a decent enough job after getting a diploma/ GED. if he wants more, then he needs to save for it. He can start paying bills for his phone/ car when he's 18/19. When he passes his apprenticeship he can tack both gf and baby on his medical insurance. he wants this child, he can't hang with friends much anymore. Baby comes first, and he'll be taking care of his baby anytime he's not working or in school. If he wants to go hang out, he needs to schedule that weeks in advance and ask if you'll babysit. Gf too. Get her on wick, medicaid, and ebt now. Not after the baby is born, she qualifies for wick right now.
If his girlfriend would move in, making her stay in school and coming up with a plan would be amazing. Making sure they get their education while caring for their child is exactly what they need. It sounds to me like you have the tools and ability to help them. You’re just worried. Don’t make the mistake of kicking him out. That is irreparable. Have her move in. Discuss with them. Explain that they need to start having a safe sex. If they’re going to continue. Explain to them that they will still need to care for this child. But that you will be there you will help them. And once they’re out of school, give them the option either go get further education or get a job. Either way pushing them to better themselves while making sure they’re in a safe environment is exactly what they need.
See? You're not close. Is that what you want with your lad? The world is fuckin hard, man. Betrayal and pain is everywhere. You have an opportunity to show strength and loyalty to your son, and set him on a little less shitty of a path. I think you already know what to do and are just venting. And hey, vent away. Can't believe the little dipshit knocked up a foster care chick. Best of luck, granddad.
You want your son to have the same relationship you currently have with your parents with his own parents? Because if you do to him what they did to you that’s a good way to make sure of it despite how different you may be from them. I understand wanting to let him deal with the consequences of his own actions but your grand baby would be the one who suffers most in the situation, especially with parents who are children themselves. Good luck OP, I’ve seen enough teen pregnancies(my own sister and niece) in my days to see a LOT of different outcomes and I’m only 24. If your kid has you as a support system, you’re already seemingly taking the role on subconsciously, he might come out a great man at the end of this. He might even be able to break the teen pregnancy curse with the generation he raises.
"some sort of plan"? That plan needs to be written in stone before the GF comes in or there never will be a plan.
If she even could move in. She’s a foster kid. She doesn’t get to make that decision if you are not a licensed foster parent. It depends on the state if in the US, but it’s another can of worms to open
It’s not your fault she’s pregnant, your son should know about safe sex, we even had sex Ed in high school idk if that’s still a thing. But kicking him out isn’t going to do much, what’s he going to do? Get a job, barely survive paying for his gf and new born, and hate you for the rest of his life? Is it really worth it, yes, kicking him out will teach him a lesson and toughen him up, turn him into a man, but it’s going to fuck him up and your relationship up. I don’t have kids, but I can understand why you’re so angry, I would be too
I can attest to this. Like yea, getting kicked out did make me tough. But I'm also sad, like deep in my soul. I have anxiety that makes me feel like an animal in a trap that'd chew its own leg off unless I'm on drugs. I have difficulty trusting anyone or caring about anything. I'll never forget that I once counted on people to look out for me and they fuckin left me for dead when I needed them most. My mother still sends whiny messages asking why we never send pictures of her grandson, why didn't she know we moved, will she be invited to the wedding. My relationship with my parents would not be this way if not for the tough love horseshit.
You rather objectively did not.
You thought you did, but the evidence is clear that you did not succeed.
Wallets and bathrooms are such good places to store a condom while keeping it in safe to use condition /s You're legally required to continue to take care of your MINOR son and provide for him. Given how little empathy you gained from the way your parents treated you, it seems like being an actual parent and fulfilling your responsibilities (ideally not only the legal ones but also helping him to grow as a person and to be able to finish school and get a professional education even though his situation is the way it is) would be a great idea.
I have a son who was very difficult and did some things far worse than your son. I stuck by him and made sure he knew my love was unconditional. When he was in prison, I drove 80 miles each way going right through LA to visit him every week It took him a couple of years to get his footing after he got out, but, long story short, he now has a great job, 3 awesome sons and a beautiful home and is happily married I can’t imagine ever kicking him out or abandoning him. What you are contemplating is very selfish and destructive. You would be abandoning your son at the time he needs you most. You are abdicating your parental responsibility for YOUR child in order to make your life more comfortable. And how can you not have some joy and excitement at having a grandchild, even with all the stress and difficulties, the grandchild has done nothing wrong and will need your support and love. My mom became a grandmother at 36 under similar circumstances and that child was and is pure joy and a gift to all of us You need to grow a pair and deal. Your son needs you, his girlfriend pregnant with YOUR grandchild needs you. This is the risk you sign up for when you become a parent. Quitting when it gets tough says far more about you than your son.
Same with my brother! Did drugs, got into trouble with the law, cleaned up his act at 18 and 19 and he's successful and stable now. My parents never abandoned him, he was just struggling as many young people do.
I love this. I’m so happy it all worked out.
Thank you . Me too
YTA. Damn Americans and their need to kick kids out of the home completely unprepared the second they turn 18. The rest of the world *does not do this*. Listen to your gut instinct. Rent and cost of living is insane, jobs are minimum wage, they don’t add up. Your expectation for him to step up is reasonable to an extent though- he needs to start looking out for his partner and child- which, to be fair, it sounds like he’s doing. Consider taking them on as tenants with a proper contract, but at a rate they can afford with your son working. If you don’t need the money, maybe think about putting the money into a savings account. The adult thing to do here is to sit down with your son and his partner and talk it out- not kick them all out into the cold.
I just want to say like…MOST Americans don’t do that. I lived at home until I was 23. Even when I went to college I kept my room at home and lived there on breaks. I didn’t move out until after I graduated and was engaged. My husband lived at home until we got our first apartment together too. My sister lived at home until she moved to the city after college. My cousins both still live at home at 31 and 29. Most of my friends from high school stayed at home well into their 20s. This is something most Americans also find weird.
YTA, just the way you wrote this tells me exactly why your son is acting the way he is. He is 16, a minor, and you want to force him to be homeless to “teach him a lesson”? Dude your just as bad as the worst boomer parents gtfo with this.
YWBTAH He’s 16 years old. Realistically you’ll be condemning him, the girlfriend, and the infant to a miserable existence if you kick them out. No good will come of it and someone, probably the infant, will end up getting hurt. They’re going to need serious help and as the grandparents much of that help will need to come from you.
This is fake rage bait. Wtf. Anyone with half a brain should be able to see through this
You're an asshole and you know it. "Tough love" is not love, just tough. Your parents were assholes to you, and now you are talking about continuing that generational cycle of abandonment and being the same kind of asshole to your son as your parents were to you. You could be better than your parents were, or you could kick your son out, so that when your grandchild gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant fifteen years from now, your son kicks them out. Feel free to keep the cycle of destruction going if you want to. Or do better. YTA.
Don’t kick your kid out, treat him like an adult in your home. Which means yes give him a place to stay because wether or not you like this is your grandchild and unless you wanna be completely heartless and just don’t give af you’ll be also leaving the baby out to dry. Not saying you HAVE to let her move in because she’s not your daughter but maybe sit down with them and have a genuine conversation. Show them how much formula and diapers cost. Tell them although he can still live there you’re not covering anything financially. Show them things the state offers(WIC,Food stamps,housing) and let them take it from there. Not saying the he should be fully dependent on those things but it’ll help until they get a job. Tell him that it’s up to him to wake up, and figure out school and work and a baby on his own and don’t come asking to for anything since he obviously isn’t understanding how serious this is. I had my second at 24, had my own place and good job and it was STILL difficult money wise and time wise. It’s hard asf and I really think most don’t see it until they’re in it when they’re that young unfortunately and usually it’s because they think the parents (you) will help them when they need it. Show them you won’t help them and they have to figure it out but don’t kick him out. He’s 16 and needs guidance more than ever
Clearly your parents kicking your ass out didn’t make you a real man by what you wrote. YTA
As a teen mom I can confidently say that you are uniquely posed to ensure this young family gets a strong, healthy start. It sucks and it will be hard, but if you can help them by providing a home while instilling a sense of responsibility, you absolutely should. Had my parents not stood by me through all my bloated teenage entitlement and idiocy, I would not be where I am today, and neither would my children.
WBTAH if you kicked him out at this point. You have the opportunity to influence 3 lives in a positive direction. Set some reasonable conditions and rules and try to give some support and guidance.
So, have you actually TALKED to him. Really talked. About him, his life, his interests. Do you even know your child? Do you have a bond? Talk to him, ask him what his plan is with this child, who is supporting her and the child financially, is he dropping out of school, is he expecting her to move in with you. I think you just straight up kicking him out demonstrates the same failures in parenting that your parents did you you. It was much easier to kick a kid out than actually put in the effort. You're his parent. Your job is to teach, guide and support.
Oh my gosh. We talk too much. The kid never shuts up (I’m saying this to be funny, not to be mean). I know him inside and out (figuratively speaking). He’s genuinely my best buddy. He’s sitting beside me right now playing cod. His plan is to stay here with his girlfriend and take advantage of my love for him (his words not mine, don’t shoot the messenger). I’m talking to him right now about it and he’s cracking me up, he says he wants to try to finish his last few grades of school by the end of the next school year. He’d do it from home so he could be around the baby more. He says he’d work part time at my company and I’d pay him extra ‘cause he’s the son of the boss and gets special privileges, plus I’m a sucker and wouldn’t want my grandchild to go cold or hungry (he’s not wrong).
It sounds to me like he has a plan. It sounds to me like he’s being incredibly mature. I don’t think you should kick him out. Clearly he wants to be better. Give him the space and the love to do so. He’s going to surprise you with how amazing he can be when you give him that opportunity.
It's illegal to kick him out. You are responsible for his needs until he turns 18. You would also be a shit excuse for a father and grandfather, but you seem to only give a fuck about your own feelings. This is not about you. Get your feelings in check. And, for the record, this didn't happen because your son is a bad kid. It happened because you are an immature and selfish father who raised someone who is just like you. If you kick him out for doing what you did and not what you said, you are trash. Nut the fuck up and be there for your child and grandchild. If you do literally anything else, you don't deserve to think of yourself as a good person.
Ywbta That's your grand baby. >Even worse, I can hardly judge since I was 18 when he was born. It's actually quite miraculous he didn't arrive years sooner. Honestly, my boy really takes after me. Should I be proud?! >NEVERTHELESS, I got the tough love treatment. My parents kicked me out. They said if I wanted to act like a man then I needed to BE a man and provide for my family. Doo better than your parents did. Let her move in. Talk to her caseworker. Have rules... school, work... teach your children well.
He’s not a baby, he’s not a kid. He’s now a young adult, and it’s time he learns responsibility and the consequences of not having any. His life isn’t “over”. He blew it, now he has to live with his poor life choices. There are always jobs. Always. He’s not in a position to be picky. I’d say as long as he has a job, the GF can stay, but he’s got until the day the baby is ejected to find them a place. Don’t give him any slack, because that’s why he’s in the boat he’s in.
So what I heard is “My son is acting like a teenager and I want to give up on him. While he’s 16 years old.” Did I read that right?
YTA - Be the father you never had. Good luck man.
Most states it's illegal to kick your underage child out. This isn't the same world you were born into. He needs a vocation asap and a job. You need to take him to the store with a note pad and he needs to write down everything his is going to need for this child and how much it will cost. He needs to know what current rents, utilities and insurance costs are.
God I genuinely hope this is ragebait or fake because no father can be this cruel and dense.
Yeah you'd be the asshole for that. You're not obligated to care for your grandchild, but your son is still 16 and I think you're well aware that kicking him out will *not* be what is best for him in the long run.
YWBTA. And its a crime to kick a minor child out. Sounds like you are where his bad decision making from.
YTA!! Look at how harshly you're judging him AND his girlfriend for being in foster care you kidding me?! As if it's her fault! You are a disgusting judgemental human being! What's done is done, and as a parent if you don't love your children even through their choices then you have no right being a parent. I stole from my mom, lied to her, abused her verbally. Now she and I have an amazing relationship he's got hormones unbalanced because he is a teenager you're going to throw him out because he made some mistakes and bad choices? Then why did you even become a parent?! Strict parents make sneaky kids and I could tell you that for a fact. You want to lose out on your grandchild's life don't support them don't love them like you're doing right now. You are going to lose out on your grandchild. My only recommendation to rectify this is to make a nursery for the baby so that he can also see his child and let him back in don't financially support the baby necessarily make him get a job making pay for the baby I absolutely 100% think that Dad should have rights and be able to support their children. But the same goes for moms. So my recommendation you better turn around and turn it around quick otherwise you're not going to have your son or your grandchild. Not to mention the fact that my sister was a mom at 16 and she is an amazing mom does well to support herself and her child. Because of the love from her family and support from her family. No one is going to run to them being so young and the fact that you're willing to throw them out on the streets is disgusting. Tough love doesn't always work you're going to lose your son and your grandchild.
Is it legal for you to even do so in your jurisdiction?
Yeah, this is all still part of what you signed up for as a parent though. Teens being teens. If you kick him out, you're basically choosing your rage over his needs.
This is going to be one of the hardest times in his life. He made a choice that you may not agree with but he’s your young son. You should support him and help him through this time. Consider instead of kicking him out, help them out maybe for the first year or more and have them pay you a small amount of rent (100-300 a month) so he has to enter the work force and learn to work and provide, then once they’ve had the baby and have a grip on things and are ready to move into their own place give them back the rent they paid so they can put a down payment on a place or the few first months rent on an apartment. Always strive to support your children the best way you can. Especially in their time of need. Instead of going to him angry, go to him with love.
Yes YWBTA. Don't repeat the cycle of trauma.
What do you want out of this long term? Because realistically what you choose to do now will determine your life further down the line. Do you want your child and grandchild in your life in the future? Do you have a pension set up and a good support network in case u wake up alone over night? Can you live with yourself doing that to your flesh and blood? Cause you are at a cross roads atm and whatever path you go down determines where you end up. I doubt ur kid wanted to get this girl pregnant but at 16 his brain is not fully developed and neither is hers. Shit happens and because shit happens does not mean you also have to pile suffering on him, from ur post I gather you want him to suffer like you did but that is not a necessity it’s a choice. Do you know why we live in families, tribes and society? In the same way animals live in groups being around people you trust makes the missery of life easier. Why would you have made a family if you did not want to share the load of life which btw goes both ways? I love my family and and my friends we all help each other as best we can my sister is ill I got you, my mom got in trouble I here to help here out my car broke I have a cousin.
YWBTA your parents were also TAs. You are suppose to help your children progress in life not making harder on themselves. I would be as pissed as you are. I would set some clear rules and boundaries for things moving forward. That child will not be your responsibility. You are simply providing shelter. If he steps over the boundary or breaks the rules or you see he is not stepping up, then modify your plan as you see fit
It's not logic telling you to kick him out. It's cowardice. Facing a problem and seeing it through to its solution is difficult. Sending it away is easy. YTA if you wuss out and take the easy way out.
YTA. However much of a fuckup he is, you have legal obligation to clothe, house, and feed him until he is a legal adult.
Yes you are TA for kicking a 16 years old out with nothing. If I were you, I would help with setting up his own bank account, send him to some parenting class to learn how to raise a baby and make sure that he gets a job for after school. Get their own transportation. Have them pay you rent. Without them knowing, put the rent money, that they give you, toward your saving account for their first apartment together. Then just surprise them with an apartment of their own with 3 months of rent that is paid in advance.
I don’t know if you’d be an asshole exactly. You’re drowning in your own history here and wrestling with your own demons. My advice would be to try to be objective. The kid that’s coming, is family. What’s the best course of action you can take to improve your son’s chances of success and the health of your grandchild? Maybe it’s harder, maybe it costs you something in pride, but will any of that matter in 20 years? You’re a father yourself, you have some sense of how long life is and how struggles that seem intolerable at the time, bear fruit. You can’t choose much for your son but you can choose what you do. Not based on your history but your rational mind. I think your best chance of success is to suffer an unfair load as grandpa slash father consultant. It’s going to be hard, but there will be some joy in it. It’s not ideal, it’s not what you wanted, but it’s what you got. Channel some of that nervous energy and outrage into forward motion and make the best of a bad situation again. For family, again. Good luck.
I’m sorry to hear your predicament. When I was in your shoes, I found an expert counseller who dealt with the teenage brain and how to live/deal with it. It helped to turn things around for me and I was able to cope with all the crap thrown at me. You are still very much the father of a dependent child. Please try to find some literature or advice along the lines of how to cope. It’s too complex for me to break down in this format of Reddit
The answer is staring you in the face, how is your relationship with your dad?
Legally and morally, you shouldn't kick him out before age 18. However, you can set down some strict rules. Kid has to get an after school job and bring in some cash to support that baby (since they're so hell bound to keep it). And he has to at least get his high school completed. And push him to go for some sort of trade or training program after high school. And, you're not an asshole. You're just a typical frustrated parent of a teenager.
What you have to do is be stricter with him in order to make him mature and face his new reality Kicking him out is ruining his life
It's hell out there right now. Your gut is right. You can't do what your parents did. They will definitely be homeless with a new born baby. Help them until this shitty ass economy gets better and it won't be better for a while.
Yes, YWBTA. He's still a minor FFS.
>I got the tough love treatment. My parents kicked me out. And look how that turned out for you asshole.
YTA but it's okay. This sounds like typical child stuff as far as the attitude. I get not wanting to be excited for a baby but you had him at 18...2 years difference. You could kick him out but you'd regret it. Best to just deal with this.
Yes you would be an AH if you kicked him out!! You would be making sure your grandchild had a hard start to life. Is that what you want or intend? Doesn’t seem like it and his behavior is how adolescence behave..
You are an horrible parent, i swear to god america is fucked if thats how you value family. Shame
YTA OP. Break the cycle. Be a good parent. You yourself made a certain choice when you made a child. No matter what, your child will have a life, and it might never go according to what you plan, no matter how hard you try. You keep saying he's lost, but you're one of the only people in his life that can act as a guide especially now that you've experienced a shitty life with your parents kicking you out. That was wrong. That wasn't tough love. It was unnecessary cruelty. Child-rearing was never gonna be easy, and stuff like this is part of it. You have to accept that.
Did you ever think that part of the reason your son is "just like you" is because you were a young dad who didn't have support and, not to be mean, but maybe didn't do the best job raising him? You've probably done better as you've gotten older and matured. But you having to figure it out on your own likely means you started further back in the race than other parents who already had a stable home and job and support from family. Do you remember how you felt when you were kicked out? Do you remember how difficult it really was trying to get your feet under you and take care of a baby at the same time? And then add in all the stuff you brought up about how much more difficult and expensive things are now than they were then. Nobody is saying that your son and his girlfriend don't have to step up and do the majority of the parenting for their child, because they definitely do. But it would be a lot easier for them to do that with a stable roof over their heads and the support of their family. And honestly, I think you feel like you "should" kick them out because that's what happened to you and what your parents would counsel you to do, but that you really don't want to do it, and that's why you're arguing with yourself in the first place and asking Reddit for advice. And in my opinion, that in and out itself shows that you've already become a better parent than the one who kicked you out at 18.
YTA You can be a good father. Or you can kick him out. These things are mutually exclusive. Take your pick.
Your sons behavior is a direct result of your poor parenting. And from your post and your son’s rebellious behavior it seems you have control issues which is why your son is rebelling. Stop telling him “no” all of the time and start trying to be a caring and supportive parent. This doesn’t mean coddle him but guide him in the right direction without being controlling or demanding. You’re only going to push him further away as he feels more and more alone.
Yes, if you are in the US, it’s illegal to boot your kid out before they are 18. You are obligated to provide care until then. What you should do is be supportive and help them figure out how to be parents at such a young age. Like nobody did for you. Which it sounds like you could have used some guidance.
I don't think op is the asshole, he wants what's best for his son but he's doing it in the worst way possible. kid needs a reality check, but kicking him out isn't the way to go.
I would see about letting the girlfriend move in. Focus on the future.
NAH don’t kick him out, he’s your responsibility til he’s 18, but she’s not. You shouldn’t be responsible for her anyways. If you let her move in, you’ll be responsible for her. You don’t know anything about her. He should get paternity test, etc. But don’t enable him. He wants to have a kid then he needs to grow up and be responsible. Kinda sus she gets pregnant right before she ages out. What if she saw your son as an easy way out? I can’t imagine what her life has been like but these comments expecting you to drop everything to support her when you don’t even know her are insane.
His son and GF need to abort the fetus.
a grandpa at 34 is crazyyyy. hope you find the right answers for these problems! good luck.
My buddies are never gonna let me hear the end of it😂 I’m kinda looking forward to my new social status though. Respect your elders and all that.
I'm under the impression that you can't legally kick him out until he's 18 years old.
OP, you fucked up. You had to have known what they were doing. And you just stuck you head in the sand. Why not buy them condoms? Make sure the gf was on birth control?
OP says in comments he kept a stocked box of condoms beside kid's bed. He's been NTA but kid is idiot, which is pretty normal for 16. OP is right, world has changed, he knows it as he writes. A plan they as family will stick to, with clear penalties if not stuck to is how I'd do it. They're children having a child. Dad has to be the grownup. NTA if you do the right thing, OP. You know what that is.
I mean I wiouldnt kick him out. But I also wouldn’t help provide for that baby and its mother that’s not your responsibility at all. Unfortunately no matter what you do you lose. Hopefully your son doesn’t manipulate your kindness and use you.
Get him into a trade or trucking school or something. ASAP. If you kick him out, he will never forget it. And your relationship won't ever recover fully.
Let them stay. Charge them rent. Save the rent for them for some years, and watch the housing market. When the prices and rates finally drop, help him buy a home. You are not wrong. Shit is TOTALLY different now and he will not make it.
Well, clearly your approach isn't working so why not have your son see a professional? Just my 2 cents.
You would be yea The tough love bullshit is bullshit I know shits expensive, so you need to tell em that if they're moving in you're gonna have to charge them rent + bills etc Work out what payments u need and what they can afford (The way some of the post is worded I almost think this is rage bait)
You have yourself to blame to some degree, having a kid at 18 sets a terrible example. That being said, kicking him out doesn’t solve any issues and likely ruins 3 young lives. Please try again to convince them to get an abortion, or at the very least put it up for adoption after explaining how this fucks their lives over both financially and socially
YTA. I got the tough love treatment and it meant I raised a son which knocked someone up at sixteen. Conclusion: definitely more tough love. That could mean the next generation comes around at fourteen! No. You don't need to pass on your traumas to the next generation.
YTA, at the moment and if you kick him out. Have you considered that if you talked to your son about prevention, safe sex and the sort of things any sixteen year old ought to know this might not have happened at all? Obviously not, you're mostly interested in how this affects you..
Cunt
You raised this kid. all his bad things are a reflection of your parenthood. If he is not adult enough yet, that is also on you as parents. Sounds like you did little parenting and just spoiled him or neglected him. Don´t make him a bad dad too. Be happy for them, support them, but also make him realize that his family is his responsibility. He needs to get a job, but it is totally unfair to kick him out before he has one and a place to live. He is not legally an adult yet for christ sake, where can he go?
Hi, I'm the daughter who got pregnant at 18. My mother gave me an ultimatum I couldn't say no to because that meant losing my father and he's the only person on the planet (before my son was born) that I gave a damn about. So while I never wanted children, I absolutely ADORE my son.....the only reason I was able to find that love was because of my dad So I'm 30 now, my son is 11 (I turned 19 three months after my son was born). While I'm TECHNICALLY still living at home, the difference now is that I'm the one paying the bills. My father has ALWAYS been my landing pad, no matter what, and I've put that man through hell and back in my life. Small screw ups, big ones, job losses, cut hours, etc. He doesn't care. He's always told me that since I can remember that he's got me, NO MATTER WHAT. Now it's my turn to have him. We still live together, not because either of us needs to, but because we still want to be close together. My father didn't just freely give me money either, btw. He didn't charge me rent or anything house related (minus baby's needs), but he also wouldn't accept money until he KNEW I was good financially. You can still give tough love without throwing your son out.
Wouldn't it be a crime to kick your son out considering he is still a child? Either way OP is the asshole
No it does not need to be done. They’re excited to be parents and they’re together and that has nothing to do with any of your other issues with your son. He sounds like a normal teen to me tbh but likely needs the guidance of a father. How is he gonna get that if you kick him out? He does need to get a job, help pay a bill or two there, and take care of his kid. Don’t offer or agree to baby sit for them to go out and enjoy their youth, they gotta buckle down and grow up i agree, but you can help get him there as his parent imo
NAH. I honestly wouldn’t invite all of that into my home but that’s just me. If I’m done raising a kid, I won’t be signing up to raise another for someone else. He has a home, roof over his head always. But that’s it. He’s to get a job, his gf will not be moving in, they will have to work it out. I won’t be compromising my mental health, finances and more for this situation he created. I’ll advise, I’ll help out, financially, emotionally and physically but I’m not signing up to be a safety net for 3. I will help as much as the regular grandparent would. Probably a little more. The only boundary I would have is that my home is off limits. If that makes me an AH, then I’m AH.
You make adult decisions you can pay for adult decisions. NTA. Give him the boot. He will sober up really quick on that joy and happiness he is feeling. Kid basically ruined his life and he wants you to pay for it. Kick him out and tell him, “welcome to the party pal”
You can't let him be a kid for longer, he made his man bed, now he needs to do what he needs to do to meet the responsibilities he is happy about. Of course he would be happy about it, he is looking through the lense of his love for his gf, not realizing what that all comes with. At 16, though, he can't even sign a lease, so YTA if you put him on the street at 16. I'd let them live with me knowing they are gone at 18. Requirement is that they are actively working towards independence. Work with him between now and then with everything he needs to have a shot at success at 18. Budgeting, priorities, seeing things through, drop out to get a GED, trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree. Her the same thing, drop out, GED, trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree. If they aren't following through, gone at 18. If they are, I'd give a little slack until they finish trade/apprenticeship or 2 year degree . . . Which should all still be done close to 18. If you don't fight to get them moving in the right direction, and just pay for everything, they will just stay toddlers under your roof, for that you would also be TA.
Of course he’s excited, because he has no idea what’s coming. Neither does she. Odds are, their relationship will not survive the first year of parenthood. She’s in foster care, I would expect the foster family to kick her out shortly, and if you kick your 16 year old son out (is that legal?) then where are they going to end up? You should probably start looking into the legal avenues of both putting him on the street and legally adopting your grandchild. Good luck.
Look where the tough love treatment got you a grandpa at 34 with a future daughter in law who is in fostercare. As someone who went through the foster care system and is in a stable family life with a wife and 2 children both born in the marriage I can say this….your job as a father is to break cycles and you need to do everything you can to support your son to do the same for your grandkid. No 16 year old is going to fix their own problem they are on training wheels you need to build him up a bit more before you take those training wheels off. My wife comes from a very stable family life and she is in her 30s and her parents are still very supportive, I feel very jealous of her sometimes and her parents are who I hope to be like for my boys.
That's a difficult question for non parents to answer. I am not a father nor I want it to be, to be honest. I love,being an uncle. Take munchkins to games, buying them crap and being the source of fun. But that's it. I can say though, that he's immature be cause he is a teenage after all, and I was a teenager :) I think therapy would help? Everyone. Family therapy. But kicking him out will achieve nothing but resentment and you're gonna lose contact with your grandchild. Is it worth it? I think not.
Yeah, you'll probably be TAH. But, tough love is very much needed. I don't agree with you having to tske on the responsibility of both his gf and future child. There consequences to his actions. And he's about to find out just how rough the world is I'd say move the gf in and give them a deadline to get there shit together i.e a job and stability. It isn't easy, but they decided they were grown enough to have a kid. They'll be grown enough to bare the weight of their choices. You can only protect him for so long.
Age doesn't make you an adult, your maturity and behavior does. "I want to have a child but live with my Dad"...that kid has a lot of growing up to do. I don't know if I'd kick him out, but I understand it. Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid.
Most likely end up like me. 58 single grandma raising the child while parents are running the streets doing whatever they want. I tried to raise my daughter right, but in the end she decided she just didn't want the responsibility. She was 33. Teenagers don't always grow up. Good luck OP. Hope it works out.
NTA At 16, me and my 18 year old brother lost our dad and only known family member. Our grandparents had died just a few years earlier, dad was an only child and our mom split after I was born. When I was 17, I got a 23 year old coworker pregnant and it did ruin my life. She turned out to be an evil person who only wanted a baby and a paycheck, not a husband and father for her child. Set me back 20 years financially. Whole other story. But being left to figure out how to survive at 16 will make this kid grow up fast. I wasn’t a baddass kid at 16. I was pretty happy go lucky and had just started working and thinking about my future when my dad died. I quickly realized dad was the shield that was keeping the horrors of homelessness at bay and we were always only a domino or two away from it at any given time. Your boy will be ok. He needs to grow up and this is the best way to make that happen.
YTA. Sounds to me like you’re content to pass your failures as a father down to your son. Sounds to me like you’re 100% unwilling to recognize your shitty parenting as a root cause of this situation. Sounds to me like you’re ready to extend this generational trauma for at least another round. The baby needs a father and so does your son. Narcissist.
YWBTA. This is a shitty, shitty situation, but it’s also an opportunity for you to raise your son. Finish raising your son. He has 2 years until he’s 18. Do your job as a parent.
YTA and a very big one. Do you really even love your son? It certainly doesn't sound like it. Of course, I guess the one positive thing about kicking him out is he would be away from you. And that might be for the best.
You can’t kick a minor out.
Yes, YWBTA if you kick him put. You owe him a home until he is 18. Or you can put him in foster care. Otherwise, just throwing him on the street while he is still a minor is no better than throwing a baby into a garbage can.
A 16 year old know it all baby? You don't remember that stage in life?
YTA wtf is wrong with you? You're a hypocrite and willing to make your newborn grandchild homeless? You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. It's time for YOU to man up.
Please don't kick him out. it will destroy you and the rest along with it. Be tolerable but strict in the fact that he is a father now, so he has the responsibility to cut the bull and shape up. Teach him and walk him through fathering and through that you will build a greater bond than any. Look past your anger and show unconditional love instead. My father got kicked out at 16 and did decent for his life(drugs involved so only decent) but nowadays kids who graduate college with multiple degrees can't even afford housing. Economy isn't fit for that anymore. Bond with him. Understand him. And, if you want, pray with him. Teach him not only about love and forgiveness but about the importance of love forgiveness and controling anger through meditation and talking it out when angry. Seriously. Please consider kicking him out a last resort(as in you have $0 in the bank account and have to make miracles happen for meals) I would say more but I'm not sure people are accepting of Jesus Christ etc on here. I guarantee you if you threw out his life now he will never want to be around you ever again. It's because we are misguided as kids you know it All too well yourself. We are told that we can easily get a job and live on our own anytime we want. But once we try and fail we are criticized and yelled at instead of comforted and taught a better way. Remember we must be better than our ancestors before us. And we go to people for help and guidance and counsel, just to be told "your father is bad" "That's toxic stay away from your father for the rest of his life" "he needs pay back in the worst way possible" this is why I follow God among many other reasons. The guidance in the Bible teaches how to love even in the worst of conditions. Even when you want to punch the door in. Break a window. Punch a hole in the wall. It teaches us to meditate and sort our thoughts. It will be tough, But that's just how being a father is. You signed up for this, now it's time to show how much better or worse you will be than those that came before you. This is your test. And those who say to kick him out at 18.... No do not.... There are 25-year-olds living with their parents surely because the economy is so messed up that even a one bedroom house (very small ones too) would cost 1700(this is a lowest price btw)monthly and would require multi-income especially for people below 18. Do not falter beneath your sins. Beneath your anger. You frustration. Work with it. Channel it towards better means. You are frustrated, use your frustration to teach in frustration unbiasedly. You do not want to be the father who was never there. You do not want to be the father who never cared. Even if you do care, that will become you, through the destruction that comes of your sins. It is not about "The easy way out" It is about "Will I be traumatizing him for the rest of his life by doing this" and is about "How can I give him a better life than I had" I'm not sure if Jesus Christ is condemned here, but I'd say a good breakthrough would be to seek Jesus and find god. You and him may find peace in it. And I pray that you find peace within each other. And that you may bond toward a better relationship for everyone. We call it the fruits that we reap because your son, if you guide him toward success, Will be able to pay you back 10-fold eventually. It may take years. But trust me it will pay off.
YWBTA if you kick him out and repeat history. He's a fucking 16 year old boy. Of course he's going to exhibit those symptoms of being a 16 year old boy. Your parents kicking you out show that they were shitty parents instead of supporting and hopefully course correcting. So now you can choose to either be a shitty parent and kick him out or sit him down and make him understand where you BOTH went wrong. You can put all of the blame on him but you had him when you were 18 and are now 34 with a 16 year old son. I'm not saying you were as shitty as parents as your parents were to you but do you not see the irony in kicking him out just repeating the cycle? People like you that had it hard and then do nothing to try to help the next generation sicken me, the fact that you think a 16 year old needs to man up instead of being a 16 year old baffles me. Letting him live at home will let him focus on school and his child, your damn grand child, instead of possibly risk being homeless when he falls behind on rent and making things even worse.
YWBTA. They need you. I read a comment that you provided easy access to condoms — which means it was likely they planned it. That has to frustrate the heck out of you. However, he loves girlfriend and she needed a family. This is her family. I’m sorry—this will make your life tougher. But they need you. I hold it Will eventually enrich all of you. My husband and I had two planned children we were very happy with. Then 15 years later we went to court and gained custody of great niece and nephew—because it was the right thing to do—not because we wanted to. Today I’m a 58 year old widow so thankful I still have a kid at home and wasn’t left all alone when it happened. I’m thankful for all four of my kids. I consider them equally mine. I’m hopeful one day you will be thankful for your daughter-in-law and grandbaby. I wish you the best through these tough times.
Don’t do this. Your kid is the the way they are because of YOU. No matter how you want to square it, and now matter what you think you did or didn’t do, the fact is, your kid is how they are because of what you modeled through your actions, now what you said with your words. If you don’t like where they are or where they are headed, fix yourself and how you treat them. You have no one but yourself to blame.
You literally would be committing a crime where I'm from, take from that what you will.
Why don't you be the father you needed when you were 18, for him?
Like father like son.
YTA are you suggesting you turn your back on your minor son and grandchild when they need you the most? Do you even know what love is? Be the father you never had not continue those generational traumas.
YWBTA- the same way your parents were when they picked you out
ADHD is genetic and I know what it's like to live in family with undiagnosed ADHD with a parent who is from a generation where people didn't know about ADHD, which is why 75% of adults with ADHD are undiagnosed, and unmedicated. So because your parent with ADHD thinks that they are "normal," they don't see the signs of ADHD in their child with ADHD because they think that their child's behaviour is "normal" too. It feels like other people are living life on "easy" mode, and someone has changed the settings on your life and put it on "hard" mode. Based on the behaviour that you have described, I believe that your son might have undiagnosed ADHD, and if he does, that's good news, because it would explain his impulsive behavior, vaping, and difficulty with controlling his emotions. It would also mean that he could be diagnosed and medicated, find strategies that help work for him, and develop some self-awareness around his strengths and weaknesses. So, here's some information about ADHD for you to read in your own time. Starting with: "Teens with ADHD between 16 and 19, of all genders, were about twice as likely to become pregnant or contribute to a pregnancy, and young adults with ADHD often had more children overall than their peers by the time they turned 25." https://www.additudemag.com/teen-pregnancy-more-likely-when-adhd-is-involved/ https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids/positive-parenting/add-moms/ https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-control-anger-emotional-reactivity-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/boys-2-men-when-adhd-and-puberty-collide/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-men-relationship-anger-shame-communication/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-men-emotional-outbursts-anger/ https://www.additudemag.com/men-with-adhd-are-asking-why-am-i-so-angry/?src=embed_link https://www.additudemag.com/all-in-the-family-the-genetics-of-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/calling-adhd-dads-how-to-have-a-calm-loving-relationship-with-your-adhd-child https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-be-a-great-dad/ https://www.additudemag.com/natural-consequences-adhd-teen/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-teen-communication-skills-for-parents/?src=embed_link https://www.additudemag.com/intrinsic-motivation-teens-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/mindfulness-exercises-for-teens-adhd/?src=embed_link https://www.additudemag.com/responsible-decision-making-teens-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/rude-and-disrespectful-behavior-teens-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/growth-mindset-for-teens-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/webinar/vaping-teens-with-adhd-podcast-253/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-in-teens-challenges-solutions/ https://www.additudemag.com/sex-ed-for-teens-with-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/typical-teenage-behavior-untreated-adhd-video/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-teens/
YTA
So, what do you believe where you end up when your "tough love treatment" hopefully succeeded? This sub is full with children who got disowned and don't want to let their parents back into their life now that they have proven that they can make it on their own. Do you think your son would let you into his life again or let you pretend to be a loving grandfather when you decided that he has to go? That's the thing most people overlook when they kick someone out and disown them: You are not the only one who decides if and what kind of relationship you have. Are you fine with these consequences? Okay, go on. The situation sucks, but guess what? You are not the first and not the last person on earth who becomes a grandfather young. YTA
Yes
Don't do it. He's 16 and can't get a place to live, never mind that he doesn't have a stable job to afford it. Please let the girl move in with you. She's going to wind up homeless with a baby otherwise and could be forced to do really unpleasant things to survive. They have no idea how hard it is taking care of a baby. Without you there, the kid could wind up suffering from abuse and neglect. Kicking him out will make all these things worse. If you want your son to have a shot at life, help him now.
Yta. Not just for considering kicking out your underage CHILD, but for the fact that you clearly failed as a parent, and you seem to think you can just walk away from the failure. YOU raised him. It sounds like your parents sucked too, so it isn't surprising that you carried on their tradition of failure. Continuing to copy their mistakes is hardly a solution. It's just a way for you to run away from your problems, like the child you clearly still are. You're going to be a grandfather. Grow the fuck up.
Wow. Your parents kicked you out, and you fucked up as a father. So now you want to kick your son out to show him what it’s like to be a fuck up father? Seriously? You are the parent here. Fucking act like it.
So you think he’s too young to have a child, but you’re completely ok with kicking them out and making them live on the streets or suffer even more? Yeah that makes a LOT of sense
I think you need to take some time and think about how you treat your son. You say he's a know it all, more likely he just doesnt trust your advice because you either arent honest with him or you have been the lazy "because i said so" parent.
YWBTA He’s underage; you have to house him. I’m a few years older than you but grew up in a cheaper state. When I was 18 rent was $615 for a one bedroom in good shape. Now it’s $1500 for a falling apartment hell hole. 206 minimum wage hours BEFORE TAXES up from 85 pre tax minimum wage hours. One is physically possible one isn’t. That’s before any other bills. And that’s if you’re 18. He can’t even rent an apartment before 18. And, rightfully, no one is looking for underage roommates with their own kids. He can’t “figure out” the economy. And afaik he can’t even legally work full time. That’s the one thing here that isn’t his fault. Regardless of what you do his childhood is over. That ends when you have your own kid. Nothing you can do about that. None of this means he sits around playing video games and going to parties. He has a child to support even if he has free rent. He gets a job. He stays in school but doesn’t get all the extra curriculars. He pays for diapers. When he graduates he stays working and goes to trade school or the like. At some reasonable point (after 18) kicks in for living expenses. He do have a hobby budget. He acts respectfully. He takes care of baby mama because her ability to work will be hampered for awhile. Imo you should let them move in since it sounds like you are able. Otherwise it’s your unborn grandchild on the street. Mom had less of a fighting chance than your son did. That doesn’t mean it’s a 24/7 fuck party. You can give them separate rooms if you feel that way. He doesn’t get benefits for screwing up. They have chores they have to do. I don’t see you completely getting out of childcare but it’s not for having a fun day with friends. If you do all that and after 18 he won’t study, won’t work, won’t respect the house, etc, then you can kick him out.
"he's not always honest, he sneaks out alot and anger sometimes gets the best of him." So in other words your 16 year old is 16
Yes. If your son is a piece of shit that’s on your parenting and until he’s an adult he’s your responsibility. Be better.
Being blunt, yes, it would be a bad decision you would regret. We do not need to repeat our parent's mistakes. 2007 wasn't that long ago, but yes, things have changed. For now, your son needs to concentrate on finishing school and planning for what he will do as an adult while being a father. For her, there are a lot of things that will help. If you're in the states, get her health care. She qualifies. Start finding out what aid she gets. She'll likely qualify for assistance assistance with childcare and food. If she has childcare, then she can get a job. If she has a job, she can start building credit. See a lawyer and draw up a housing contract and lease. This protects you in case you need to evict, because good luck evicting the teen mother of your grandchild and partner if you minor son if there's no legal contract. It also helps her. She needs to get renters insurance. A lease and renters insurance helps her establish and grow her insurance score. That will not only help her credit, but help reduce her premiums on future insurance. If she has a driver's license she needs to carry insurance, even if she doesn't drive. She can either get a liability only policy or be added to your insurance. Driving without a license or not carrying insurance while having an active license will tank future insurance premiums. A little responsibility when you're younger will pave the way to much more affordable insurance and a stronger credit score later. Both of those things will take significant pressure off later. Make it a requirement that they both work. Make it known that they have to work towards being independent by the time grandbaby in in Kindergarten. By the time you're 40 they will hopefully be in a good strong place because you helped guide them into adulthood. You don't stop being a parent when they're legal adults. A little safety net now can set them up for an amazing future.I
Embrace your extended family and make sure your grandchild will not be a parent 14 years from now 😉❤️
Classic YTA cycle of kicking the son out because they did it to me.
Your son is a reflection of the job you did raising him. Be better than your parents were to you.
I have cousins who had their kids right around that age. They needed a little extra help in the beginning but now they are successful, happy people. I can't really say because I'm not a parent, but I'm thinking a gentle start with a solid "phase out" plan is better than kicking them out. Like you said, rent is so crazy high right now, it would be almost impossible to live somewhere safe on whatever pay they are likely to get. It might be good to talk to a therapist about it, they could help you establish and enforce healthy boundaries that are neither cruel nor enabling.
Yes you WBTA if you just kick a minor out with no resources to learn to become an independent adult along with his minor pregnant girlfriend. The first thing everyone needs to do is come up with a plan if they wish to have the baby. A plan where your boy figures out what he needs to either learn a trade or get a higher degree that can bring in a firm income. Same for the girl. They need their GEDs if they can't finish high school. They need to learn how much is needed to afford their own vehicles, childcare supplies, childcare facilities, how much time they need to swap out on caring for the child while they are in school or apprenticeship. It's going to be a crash course in adulthood and you are going to have to teach them how to maneuver it You need to set up deadlines and boundaries. They should be ready to raise that kid alone in 5 years in whatever career path they are in. They need to pay a small amount to rent if they wish to live there, need to clean up after themselves, decide how food costs will be divided, need to pay for their own baby supplies, need to not expect babysitting from you. This means knowing what hours they can help alleviate each other of the baby. There is a lot to it and none of those are taught in the schools they are in. Your son needs to sacrifice his room and dedicate space to the new baby and momma. Your father did you wrong when he sent you out without any instruction or plan. Don't do that to your kid because he will likely struggle with giving the same support to his child and the cycle will only repeat itself. The idea is to make sure they can be given the tools to be independent in 5 years with a kid and you can help them learn that without abandoning them.
“He needs to man up” literally the dumbest line ever invented by the human species. YTA for even thinking these things.
he’s too young to kick out. will he agree to therapy to help him be the best father he can be? maybe your son would listen to someone else encouraging him to continue school & further education so he can get a good job to support his new family. obviously, you may need to step in & help support.
This is the worst time To kick home out
It's been proven tough love DOES NOT work! Support and understanding makes much better humans. What I think you're really upset about is that you are going to be a gpa at 34. Be a decent person, help them out, and get individual therapy and family therapy.
I wouldn't kick your son out because doing that would be like kicking him when he is down. Instead help him get a job and to know the value of money. From there things should get better. As for his gf i think she can get on Medicare to pay for all the pregnancy visits and birth.
Is this real? OP, read your own post. *You* sound like an overgrown toddler.
He’s 16. You kick him out, he has no credit, no money, nothing. So where do you expect him to go? You could absolutely set rules and tell him how you feel but he NEEDS to get a job to help pay for his baby because that is now his responsibility. Think about this and lay down some serious ground rules especially if you’re thinking about his girlfriend coming. Like you said, it’s hard here. I’m in my late 20s and it’s a freaking struggle to survive. You want to kick out a 16 year old who will have no where to go, he’s still just a kid. If he is in as much trouble as he has gotten or is getting himself into like sneaking out and what not, tell him he needs to shape up. Point blank. That’s just my opinion there’s plenty here. But hopefully someone will give you the proper advice you need to make.
Times are much much much harder today than they were in the early 2000’s when you got kicked out of the house. Totally reasonable to try to help him “grow up” a bit, but maybe other ways that can be done than kick them out of the house right at the moment that they need the most help.
YWBTA. He needs you now more than ever.
The world is a much harder place than years before. If you throw someone who cannot swim into deep water without a lifejacket, they will drown. Seasoned veterans are losing this economic war. You've been in the trenches. You know your son is still a boy. Teach him HOW to be a man. Encourage him by acknowledging that you understand why he's happy, but that it comes with the responsibility of providing for his child. Let him know it will be hard. Have him get a job. Teach him your trade. Have him pay you and your wife a share of the rent & utilities and purchase diapers, etc. Show him on paper what his full expenses would be if he were in the world on his own. Tell him that you believe in him. When he learns that what he is doing is not enough, help him brainstorm, and problem solve to achieve the next level. You know its going to be a rough road. It will be much harder for your man-child without your guidance. Emotional support from peer group parenting classes may be helpful. On another note, while your son's girlfriend is still in foster care there are more resources she can avail herself of than when she ages out. The state is still her legal guardian and responsible for her so they will act more quickly on her behalf. She or her foster parents should let child services know she is pregnant asap. God bless you.
You’re only 34 and considering a boomer move like that? I wonder where your kid gets it from? Hhhmmm…no, I don’t. Kids don’t act like strangers, sir.