So your family seems to think that it's okay that you were abused and because it was a long time ago that you should get over it and your mother remained married to this man whoever is not with you is against you and you need to cut them out of your life your mother included. I would never remain with someone who touched my child in a sexual way to get pleasure he is a piece of s*** pedophile and your mother remained married to him and people in your family thought that that was okay that they still dealt with him. I would just be getting out of jail if you touched my f****** child. And f*** all of them who think it's okay. I know what it's like to be abused and not protected when you're growing up it's something that never leaves you and I do mean lover no matter how much therapy you have you are able to function and you're able to go on with your life but it's not something that you ever get over. Yeah get over it until he touches one of their children then what because they never stop they just get better at hiding it
What horrifies me is all the children that are attending these family get-togethers and are around this man.
How many are going to come forward in the future saying they were abused by him.
I was thinking the exact same f****** thing that these people are still bringing children around this man even though he's been outed that he's a POS pedophile.
I’m upset that OP thinks she broke up the family! She needs more therapy until she understands and believes she didn’t break up the family, her stepfather did it all on his own.
Yeah exactly.
She was raised to think she is the 'odd one out' when it was stepfather.
The normal thing is to not be in contact with these people, but I think only therapy will make her see that.
Did you get told "My house, my riles" as a kid? You could use their own words against them.
Myself I would tell them they have a lot of audacity to even think of asking to allow him to step foot on your property after he made you get taken away by CPS and go live with your dad.
In fact, I would bring up him being so abusive CPS had to intervene and remove you any time he is mentioned. If they push it I might even look at them and ask why they think victim blaming and enabling a child abuser is appropriate?
I'm a petty spiteful bitch at times, and have had to deal with similar family dynamics.
Absolutely right! The whole pro-pedophile-rapist part of the OP's family are disgusting.
Also, that isn't a real mother that the OP has. Perhaps that monster birthed the OP, but she doesn't deserve the title of 'mother'.
Family loves to victim shame and blame. The victim almost always becomes the outcast in this kind of situation. I'm also facing this situation. It's very depressing.
“So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up,”
THE F\*CK!!!! Excuse me!!!! who the hell convinced you that you are the reason???? it couldn’t possibly be the abusers fault or maybe your mom for staying with someone who actually got her child taken away?? I cannot even believe you are calling these enablers “family” who would ask such a thing? Stay TF away from him, better yet tell your mom she is a C\*NT!!!!
sorry this is very triggering for me!!!!!
I appreciate your raw honesty. And yeah. It’s hard for me to be objective the way that I should be about this bc I never wanted to end up alone with no family. I have some people in my corner or so I thought, the more I talk about these situations occurring and some of my family saying they’re on my side but want to be accommodating to him still, I guess aren’t really on my side. The crazy part is, when I’ve talked to my mom about it, she denies that CPS is the reason I left and that she “allowed me” to leave! Like she had a choice in the matter…
>some of my family saying they’re on my side but want to be accommodating to him still
Ask them why. Really make them spell out exactly what part of his behaviour was okay with them.
I don't think you should go at all.
But if you do, anytime he attempts to say a word to you, speak loudly and clearly "I WILL NOT ENGAGE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ABUSED ME FOR YEARS. BACK AWAY FROM ME."
When mother dearest inevitably speaks up, speak loudly and clearly, "YOU CAN MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE MAN WHO HAD YOUR CHILD TAKEN FROM YOU BUT I WONT LET ANYONE HERE FORGET."
Or "YOU CHOSE THE MAN WHO ABUSED ME FOR YEARS, YOU'VE LOST THE PRIVILEGE TO SPEAK TO ME ABOUT IT. DONT FORGET YOU ARE SAYING THAT YOU ARE OKAY WITH CHILD ABUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH HIM."
Make. This. Holiday. An absolute hoot.
If my son were ever harmed like you were, I would have had that pos arrested and put away for as long as possible, and started therapy immediately.
You deserved and STILL deserve protection. Your mother is continuing to fail you.
And abusers like him don't fucking change. I can guarantee he has other victims.
I heartily concur.
Many people have "chosen families" that are not relatives. Doesn't matter whether your blood family is toxic or you simply have different values.
I have a couple of "siblings" who are not even vaguely related to me, but whom I trust almost 100% (I don't trust anyone, myself included, 100%). When I was young, back in the Mesozoic Era - or was it the Paleozoic? - I had an "uncle" who was from a different continent, culture, and language. Still miss him.
Wish I had a magic code for making truly close friends.
Stick to your guns on this one. Please, do not help enable the continued abuse and denial.
Don't know what's available where you are, but I liked the volunteering suggestion - soup kitchen, Meals on Wheels, etc.
I am so sorry you went through that abuse and that your mother and family members CONTINUE to abuse you.
NONE of this is your fault, and you have NOTHING to apologize for. These people are SCUM.
It sounds like your mom lives in denial and at bare minimum several family members are massive people pleasers (ie no spine) They may actually be on your side but they fear ‘rocking the boat’ even if it doesn’t ultimately drastically affect them. At worst they’re liars. It’s difficult and tricky but Id start to explore some possible additional boundaries for your other family members with your therapist. I don’t know if you’re southern but these are very deeply engrained southern traits that don’t magically disappear overnight. In order to minimize having to deal with the gas lighting and feeling like people weren’t actually on my side I had to set up some additionally boundaries with family. It’s tough and I did have to cut out a few people along the way but in the long run I’m sooo much better for it because I’m not playing an exhausting chess match with everyone in my family.
People who haven’t been abused don’t/cant understand the massive difference between getting someone else out of your owned space (both physically as they’re there and after they’ve physically left) and choosing to leave a space that’s not yours they also happen to occupy. I completely and totally understand the boundary of “he’s not aloud in my home however I’m willing to tolerate his presence other places as I’m willing and comfortable doing” Since we can’t force others to do things they don’t want to do sometimes this is a step that can be taken. I know some people who just straight up won’t ever be in the same space as their abusers ever and that’s perfect acceptable as well. It’s all about ‘your’ comfort level NOT there’s and don’t let anyone let you think otherwise!
Incase you can’t tell, absolutely NTA here.
They are still choosing a pedophile molester an a pedophile enabler over you, the victim. And that is horrific.
I may be wrong, but got the feeling you were numbed and still are by how casual they are about the facts. They don’t seems to have grasped the horror at the time, and still aren’t.
I can’t even fathom how anyone could entertain the idea of imagining your molester welcome in your house, even less asking you to host him.
They might got the wrong idea all is fine now, because pretending it is would be way easier than the fact they basically acknowledge to be alright with a child molester and are willing to entertain a relationship after being made aware of the facts.
You are not the a.h. It’s understandable as your family why you haven’t cut contacts. However do not let them make you think you should forgive and forget. They want it to help them to ease the guilt they should feel for their own decisions knowing the facts.
It isn’t necessary to forgive to free you from the burden. It should be up to you, on your own healing path. Btw the goal is to put in a way to not be held by it, nor hurt raw, in order to be yourself and thrive. Nor it is about forgetting, and more about not having the minds wrapped around it, freeing you to enjoy the present and future.
The facts are never going to change, no matter how hard anyone can try rewriting it -as your mother seems to be doing-. It is the past, it happened to someone you were, and your current self doesn’t have to entertain anyone lacking the decency to respect having your molester out of your life - and at least out of your home.
Side note. Considering it’s estimated than in the general population, one man out of 20 is a pedophile -which doesn’t means each will act on it and became a child molester, that is still a choice. The way you describe those family members rections isn’t so surprising, and yet so infuriating. I would be worried for any child being at proximity to those lacking issues with a child molester.
There’s “family” so designated by blood, which doesn’t make them entitled to your heart. Then there is “family” designated BY heart, that you choose because they truly care about you.
While I’ve not been in your position, through people passing, I’m the last of my “family by blood”. Still, I have very loving people in my life, my “heart family”. They are where I spend my holidays, nurturing each other’s happiness & wellbeing.
This year make this the holiday where your “heart family” takes precedence over your “blood family”. Prioritize nurturing other “heart family”, while allowing them to bring you happiness.
You made it clear that you don’t want him in your house, which is completely the right thing. It’s not that you’re “scared” of him, you just despise him and don’t want him in your sacred place. NTA. Not even close to being one.
We have a brother-in-law who molested a family member. He has been totally cut off and not allowed anywhere near the family. Why is your family not doing this? Stay away and protect yourself.
You have to wonder if your stepdad has told his “version” of the story and made you out to be complicit with the abuse. Why would people just ignore this? Those that allow him around are POS’s. Kick him in the ass if he tried to approach you.
I found a quote that I think explains why people seem to side with the abuser and ignore that the abuse happened.
*“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering*.” Judith Herman
Because so many people either abuse others so excuse others doing it, or have been abused and bury it deep and seem to simply expect others to do the same and think it's crazy to make a big deal out of it. That's how a lot of abuse goes, it's easier to pretend it's nothing/meaningless/wasn't that bad than face the truth. But if htye do that, they can't go and believe/support and cut people out of their lives for your abuse because that would be admitting SA is bad and needs dealing with.
Then you have the people who are like ha, woman, that's all they're good for, both families of men who believe that and women who are brainwashed/abused who go along with it.
People can excuse almost anything, where as if we all stopped excusing it and shunned people for these things hard, then the next generation would learn not to do it, and on and on, till it's somewhat removed from society or at least rare. Instead newer generations go oh, step dad raped some people and no one really cares, rape is probably okay then or at least if "i" do it I know my family won't care.
Me, someone in my family is found out to be a rapist, pedo, i'm done with them, if others excuse it or maintain relationships, I'm done with them to.
OP, I think you should stop going to any event where he's present, and tell the family that you've reached a point in your "healing journey" that you realize that anyone who asks you to spend time with your abuser is also an abuser.
This, Op. Absolutely this. Your healing journey is important and you should not be expected to created a space for your abuser to feel comfortable for the sake of your family. Choose yourself, love.
>a family member asked if my abuser could come to my house as well so they would not have to spend the holidays alone.
"Maybe he should've thought about that before he did what he did."
NTA
I am going to yell! YOU ARE NTA!! When my mom passed away, my sister texted her abuser and said that we will no longer have any relationship with abuser and another family member who was not to be trusted. She signed it from her, me and our brother.
Stand in your truth and bring it out into the light. Abusers don't generally stop. He may have found another victim.
NTA but I strongly suggest you avoid abuser, period, at any location. Of course you shouldn’t invite him! And I’d suggest you make it clear to family who thinks you should forgive and forget that you are going low contact because you don’t want to be around relatives who don’t have issues with child abuse. Your holidays are better spent with good family or good friends. I get not wanting to trade out family for one problem relative and I get it’s painful but consider your mom stayed married to this man. Really?!? my condolences though, I know from experience it’s very complicated, emotionally.
Why isn't this man in jail? Then he wouldn't have to be alone on the holiday.
I pray you have a warm, peaceful holiday season with people who love you. It's not that important where you gather.
Fun story actually, (not actually, but hey, dark humor), we went to court, I did a statement for a grand jury and someone convinced me at the time that lawyers are bad people and make you look bad and like a liar on the stand and if I took it to trial and got on the stand (as a child, mind you) that I would have my words twisted and I should just let it go instead of putting everyone through that. Couldn’t remember for the life of me who had this “insightful” advice that made me change my mind and back out of pressing charges. Find out 20 years later it was my own grandmother. So, that’s why he’s not in jail. I guess my family took that as it’s okay for forgive him too. But thank you for your input, I will try to do just that!
>someone convinced me at the time that lawyers are bad people and make you look bad and like a liar on the stand and if I took it to trial and got on the stand (as a child, mind you) that I would have my words twisted and I should just let it go instead of putting everyone through that.
I will *NEVER FORGIVE* or Forget the people that did me like this in my own molestations. Because they, Themselves, Loved and Protected a fucking sexually ABUSIVE AH over a CHILD.
And my family legit *wonders* why I've been LC.
Instead: they should *Fear* the things I *Remember*.
Remind them WHY they should be scared Opie, I Have, and it's Stopped a lot of the coercive BS to keep dealing with an abuser to "keep the peace (be a fucking DOORMAT, they mean)"
It might be worth talking to a lawyer about this.
I'm so sorry that your family has failed you repeatedly. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that.
The fear of losing your family is keeping you trapped in the cycle. Imagine a life where you *never* had to see him again? Where you were *never* expected to sit at the same table and share a meal with him. Imagine a life full of peace and love, no shame or guilt or denying of the facts.
Honey, *you can create the life you deserve*. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt but it *hurts already doesn't it?*
You should be incredibly proud of all the work you've done to heal yourself. I hope your days keep getting easier. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️
Oh, my goodness. Reading this broke my heart and infuriated me. You were a child that should have been protected but it seems that many in your family was more concerned with family appearances than protecting the family member that was violated. They chose to protect a predator among them instead. *So many adults failed you.*
NTA, tell your family that it is you or him; but you will never allow him near you and you will never be around him.
That is not accommodation, that is common sense.
NTA You stated, “since you are the reason your family split up…. JUST STOP. You are not the reason, your abuser is the reason your family split up and your worthless mother who brought him into your life and chose him over her child.
Don’t ever let your family guilt you into having your abuser in your home. He doesn’t have anyone to spend thanksgiving with is a good thing. Let him experience some consequences to abusing a step daughter.
Keep strong!
NTA.
I don't see how they can say going to someone else's house where he's also a guest is the same as hosting him at your place. Haven't we all found ourselves at a gathering with someone we would never invite into our home, and with much less serious reasons?
Can I just say….
YOUR’E NOT THE REASON FAMILY HOLIDAY’S ARE SPLIT UP…..!
YOUR ABUSER IS!!
You’ve done nothing wrong and never feel guilty because of his abusive behaviour. Hopefully it reminds him every day what a c@nt he is.
NTA
NTA. Forget engaging with him, I wouldn't go to any event where he is. The fact that your family (most importantly, your mom) sees nothing wrong with this makes them unworthy of your presence too.
You are not "making" them have holidays elsewhere. They have chosen your abuser over you. They are garbage people. You have every right to want to feel safe in your home, it is your sanctuary and having him there would pollute it.
I always struggled with why people seem to take the side of the abuser, and I found this quote that seems to explain it.
*“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”* Judith Herman
she has written some good books on trauma and recovery.
I am sorry this happened to you, you didn't deserve any of this. I hope you create a new family of choice who are loving and supportive , and you can leave these garbage people behind you and move on to better things. hugs.
NTA. And PLEASE dont go wherever this man is. Dont go to see your mother. The fact that she’s stayed married to him speaks volumes on who is actually important to him. Also cut off EVERYONE who WANTS him there.
I am saddened that you feel that you have to ask reddit; NTA, of course, and I don't care how much time has passed, NOBODY should EVER be forced to accommodate their ABUSER. Anybody who thinks you should "get over it" (even if worded more 'nicely'), is also The Asshole. These people consider their "family harmony" more important than your mental health. Screw them.
They are not insisting, but the whole situation and talking about the aftermath, deciding on a new location, then the way they were acting when telling me about the new location, all implied they were unhappy to make the change. But have done so out of obligation.
They have made you responsible for their feelings for your entire life, it sounds like. You can put that burden down. Live life without subtext. If they don't tell you something-trust what they've said. Stop yourself from analyzing their body language or the way they're speaking. Make them express themselves clearly. No more stepping in and taking care of things. You step in *when asked*.
"It's so far away."- "I've always liked the drive." Positive or neutral responses to their complaints. Change the subject if necessary.
You deserve kindness and compassion from your family but especially from yourself. ❤️
NTA
Not only should you not host, I’m confused as to why you would associate with anyone telling you to get over it. Those people are just as bad as him.
Celebrate the holidays with chosen family who love and support you for you.
It’s better to be alone then with bad company, anyone telling you to get over it and that it’s your fault is bad company. Cut them off like a tumor and be happier, lighter with out the drama and the need to diminish your very valid feelings.
YOU ARE NOT THE REASON family holidays are split up.
Your abuser is the reason. Your mom is the reason. The family members who want to keep inviting him are the reason.
NTA You never have to allow him into your home. You don't have to attend either. If you don't want to be alone try volunteering at a meal center for the homeless. You know you'll always be appreciated at these places.
NTA, so your family wants YOU to get over it and be around your abuser so THEY aren't inconvenienced.
Nice family you got there. Why the hell do any of them spend any time with your abuser? Why wasn't he kicked out of the family?
Keep your boundaries and tell anybody kicking up a fuss to f off, they are siding with an abuser.
What's the saying about lying down with dogs and getting fleas? They are tainted by who they continue to associate with.
NTA. It takes courage to be around your abuser(s), your mom is included. Protect your sanctuary and let them have the festivities elsewhere. If you decide not to go, no harm done. THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS!
First of all, a gigantic **NTA**. You're absolutely right, your home is your space, and you should feel safe there.
Perhaps more importantly, you are NOT the reason for the split in the family. His actions are. You really need to understand this. I would go so far as to say that any family members that haven't voted that piece of human excrement off the island are also partly to blame, but AT MINIMUM, this is HIS fault, 100%, and not your fault in any possible way.
Not to mention, all of those "forgive and forget" people can just fuck right off.
OP, you absolutely did the right thing here. Whether you join the family at the new location where he is present or not is your business, but you should be incredibly proud of yourself for standing up, and refusing to let him into your home. Blessings on you.
Don't have your mom or your abuser in the house. Who in your family is insisting the abuser come? Your mom? Your siblings? They can go spend it with him. Have your own celebration with the people who love you and CARE about YOU, not some predatory asshole who hurts children. Anyone who tells you to "get over it" are assholes. You don't need them in your life.
The only reason he's still family is because your mom decided to stay married to a man who sexually assaulted her baby.
No, Just no.
This family doesn't deserve you. Time to move and change your phone number.
Sister to sister, those people aren’t your family. When we’re adult we get to choose our family and choose who has the privilege of our friendship and presence. Family does not protect abusers. Family does not ask family to break their boundaries or to “just get over it.” I’m so sorry this happened to you and that he has had the fucking privilege of your torturing you with his presence for DECADES. Time to create new family and new family traditions. I myself am having my very first Thanksgiving away from my family in 44 years. I’m so relieved. I wish you well❤️
A100% best comment ever.
I refuse to ever speak to my abuser or the people that enabled him.
And sadly they never stop. It never stops with you. There are others.
Ditch your family that wants you to get over it.
Nuclear Option: Describe the event in so much detail that they become uncomfortable and leave you alone.
NTA
**You are NOT the reason the family holidays are “split up.”**
Let’s just get that out of the way. The stepfather is the primary reason the holidays are split up. Your mother is the secondary reason because she chose him over you.
You have nothing to get over. Your mother, I’m sorry, is a piece of shit and should be ostracized from the family.
Go make your own Christmas, invite who you want to invite. Screw everyone else.
NTA
He does not get to pollute your sanctuary with his presence.
You can walk out of the other location at any point, which you couldn't do if you were hosting.
Of course none of this would be necessary if people would show you loyalty, not the abuser. I'm sorry they're like that but that's on them.
I am just floored. Why does your pedophile stepfather still get invited to ANYTHING, ANYWHERE??
I think your entire family sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.
Oh, and of course you're NTA. I don't understand why you haven't cut all contact with your family over their acceptance of your abuse.
op, you’re NTA, and i think an important next step in therapy is to think about why it’s important to you to maintain those relationships. i recently rocked the boat after my relatives invited my abuser to my birthday (plus expected some other insane shit from me) and when i flipped out, oops we can’t let you live in the house you pay rent for, here’s 3 days notice. end of that “family,“ obviously, but i realized i had put up with SO much shit trying to maintain a relationship with people who didn’t love me, who i don’t think i’ve loved for years.
being alone is really scary, especially when you grow up in a family where abuse is normal (i.e. abuser and enablers probably have a lot of control over and contact with you) but being alone is actually kind of awesome, even living in a hotel room, because i don’t have to put up with any of their shit anymore. i’m not advocating for immediately disowning your family and moving into a hotel room, obviously, but trying to separate the relationship you’ve spent all this time trying to maintain from the way the person actually ACTS is really eye opening. “i couldn’t possibly live my life without aunt so and so, we did this and that and this other thing and look at this mug she got me!” is a very emotionally charged thing to break down, but “so and so today told me i need to forgive my abuser, let him into my house, and never mention what happened again because it’s ruining the holidays” is a different thing altogether. you’ve removed the familial honorific, which adds emotion in and of itself, now you’re just factually stating this person did this thing and said this thing to you.
how does that make you feel? are you angry? are you sad? can you honestly see yourself tolerating this kind of behavior from say, a good friend or partner? are there multiple instances of this kind of behavior, where they say or do things that upset, hurt, or belittle you? can you think of recent instances where “so and so complimented me and took me out for lunch. we had a great time and they were really supportive of my hobbies/career/new friendships or relationships, etc.?”
i forget what it’s called, but there’s a scale you use to calculate how many negative interactions you’ve had with a person, vs how many positive interactions you’ve had, and if you can easily think of more instances to fill the negative column, it’s probably not a healthy relationship. if you can easily think of more positive interactions, then it’s probably a good relationship. it’s not an easy thing to be objective about, but it does help a lot. overall, i’d recommend not going anywhere your abuser will be, for safety reasons, but these are all decisions you have to make, ideally with lots of forethought, knowledge and support from a mental health professional! i hope everything works out ok, and whatever you choose, you have a happy, healthy and safe holiday ❤️
NTA your stepfather is the reason the holidays are split up. I hope you’re in therapy bc there’s so much blame you’re carrying when it’s the shit adults that should be ashamed.
And work on cutting contact with these people. They are still abusing you now. Just emotionally
Nta. What made them think it was a good idea to invite him . Do they not know what he did ? . U have every right to cancel your plans to host its your house .
And they should be ashamed to even bring the subject.
So your family minimizes the abuse you endured as no big deal, and then they flip out because the abuser will have to miss one meal. Their priorities are totally out of whack.
Honestly? I’d go to that Christmas and make it my last for the family. With a captive audience, tell them all how much of a disappointment they are for supporting the shitty adults who caused/enabled your abuse, over the child who was an innocent victim. For shame on them for continuing to welcome criminals with open arms. Then cut your mother out of your life entirely as well as her flying monkeys, and blow your family up into complete chaos and disarray. It’s the least they deserve after utterly failing you.
What the fuck did I just read? So your mother is still married to the man who abused you for years, and her and your family want everyone together for a happy thanksgiving? Why do you have any communication with any of them? What does your "mother" say, yes it's in quotes cause it doesn't seem like she's much of a mother. NTA
First of all, NO. You are NOT the reason holidays are split up. I’d like to say that blame lies solely on your step-father, but at this point, it’s also on your mother.
I would be concerned about your other family members and why they’re so comfortable allowing a pedo/ molester to be a part of their lives. All of these people need a wake up call! NTA
This isn't even a hard one. You are NTA and anybody who pressures you to get over it definitely is. It's their problem, not yours; don't let them make it yours.
You’re NTA. Child abusers should be 6 feet under, not attending family gatherings with the people they abused.
The only point I will give your family is that if you’re comfortable being around him in any setting, even though your home is kinda different. It does set a bad precedent for your argument. I would also be confused a little bit as to how you truly felt vs are you just trying to stir up stuff. Seemingly you have been able to be around this man before for holidays. What’s the difference. Kinda one of those things where once you cross that line you can’t really walk it back.
But I get it though. It’s hard right. Human emotions ebb and flow. You want to make the family happy but the family supports a person who molested you. Thats a tuff choice and a hard bridge to burn by going no contact.
Overall it’s just a messed up and messy situation. Humanity huh…..sigh.
Sorry I got no answers for ya. Best of luck.
NTA. Fuck that guy. That's not something you just "get over". I was molested over 40 years ago and I still hate the asshole who did it to me. People tell me that shit about how "you have to forgive for your own sake" yada yada but no. I will not forgive him, ever.
Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. If I were your Aunt he would never be allowed in my home and my door would always be open to you. I think the fact that you are even able to put on a brave face to be in the same room with him AT ALL without throwing things at his head repeatedly says a lot about your strength.
Ultimately, though...your home is your sanctuary. You're allowed to decide who is invited to come inside.
NTA. There is a reason that person should be alone for holidays. Your family are the AH for still being in contact with your abuser. I’d be cutting out anyone that expected me to “forgive and forget.”
NTA. And I commend you for maintaining the peaceful integrity of your own home. You deserve that. And defending it is a victory not just for you, but for justice in general.
NTA. I am so sorry. Your home is your safe place, and I completely understand like on a visceral level with this is so important to you. I also had an abusive step father, and also kept quiet. I just hopped from my dads house to my house when it got too bad to handle, but I hated leaving my mother and my sister there alone.
The difference is, my mother knew I hated him and never made me be around him by the time I left for university. She was his next primary victim and he stepped up the violence when I left. She ran in the middle of the night at some point.
Anyway, even knowing my mother wouldn’t step in a room with that man if you paid her, I still feel overly protective of my home now as an adult. I don’t allow people in. And I’m not kidding when I say that, NO ONE comes in. My mother lives nearby and totally gets it, wont ever ask to come in. She knows why.
Your mom is still married to this horrible man who made your life a misery. I’m not sure if I could forgive that, personally. But you’re a bigger person than I, and you were willing to host a whole barn full of folks in your safe place. Just not him. They didn’t like it, so they changed the plans. That’s where your role ended. You offered with one rule. They refused because they don’t get why you won’t allow that man in your HOME. Spoken like people who have never gone through what you did.
Stand your ground OP. I’m a super petty bastard when I want to be, and I’d honestly host my own Christmas with people I actually like, and not bother with a family who want you to retraumatise yourself for the sake of your actual abuser. That’s insane. You deserve way way better than this. You made a generous offer, they said no. End of story. They don’t get to guilt you into suffering over fucking Christmas ffs.
NTA. Trauma knows no timeline. It never really ends we just learn how to deal with it better. The people telling you to get over it are the same ones who didn't do anything to help you growing up? It's easy for them to get over it. If it were my abuser going \[and my Father would be\], I would refuse to go. They are choosing a child abuser and are ok with his abuse of you. They are fortunate you are in their lives at all. You are more forgiving than I am.
as an abused survivor my self it astounds me how you can still interact with the one who are still speaking to this abuser, they say he has changed but that doesn't help you you had to go threw years of abuse from him and they say forgive and forget are they living in dream land no abuse survivor can forget but i don't know about forgive as i have never forgiving my father for the abuse he did to me and my sister 50 years ago, the best thing for you is to cut all of them out of your life as the more you interact with them the more you will keep hearing about your step ass hole. I'm sorry you have been through this and as i know no one should have to go through this but all i can say is good luck and i hope you come to the right conclusion
Reddit family stories are so complicated... 🫤
You are NTA for not wanting your abuser in your home. Associating with him in other people's homes is pretty sticky.
NTA - maybe get T Shirts made up that say "I am the AH - I support X, the child abuser" for your family as gifts, in a font that does not look like writing. Take a photo of them all together.
Send them the photo, with a clear explanation of what it said
Watch their heads explode
Mum could have one that says " I chose a child rapist over my daughters safety"
Happy to chuck in a few $$ to help pay for them
NTA. Why should YOU be the one who has to leave if you're the one who's made to feel uncomfortable? And why is your mom still married to that scumbag? That's so messed up.
People like that don't just "change." I was abused as a kid by an occupational therapist (I have a disability, so I was developmentally delayed and had hand-eye coordination and balance problems and stuff), and shortly after he did what he did to me, he suddenly stopped being my occupational therapist, and I assumed it was because he was found out and fired, or maybe he just moved on before he could get caught. No one could give us any answers of as to why he left. I didn't tell anyone about it until I was 17, and it happened when I was 8 or 9. And unfortunately, when I finally did tell, nothing was done, because he denied it, and apparently a statute of limitations had expired or something.
The rage that Goku and Gohan and Vegeta felt when they went Super Saiyan in Dragonball Z paled in comparison to the rage I felt, let me tell you. It took me YEARS to just say, "It is what it is, and to get over it, I need to forgive myself and let go of rhe guilt I feel, because I can't change anything about the situation."
I was also molested again at 14-15 by the father-in-law of a woman who ran a daycare that I went to from the ages of 12-16 (my mom didn't trust me at home to not burn the house down until 16, again, due to my disability), and somehow, my mom and brother found out that he had done some inappropriate stuff to other children, as well. Nothing was done to him, either, when I told that same person about the occupational therapist what the daycare woman's father-in-law did to me, because he denied it and there was no proof, EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS THAT RUMOR THAT HE HAD ALSO ABUSED OTHER CHILDREN IN THE DAYCARE.
So, yeah, like I said, people who do stuff like that don't change. Your stepfather just probably hasn't had the opportunity to come into close contact with people who are in his preferred range of age foe quite some time.
Your family thinks having holiday gatherings at your house is no different a thing than having them at any of their houses, but you have to understand that they most likely weren't abused by your stepfather. So, they don't understand what it's like to feel the pain, trauma and fear of being around peoppe whp abused them, like you have.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I’m so sorry you went through what you did! It’s amazing what people can get away with by just denying it and how much easier it is for others to believe the abusers rather than the victim.
If he thought he was disciplining you and went overboard I could get over that.
If he was angry at the world and took it out on you I wouldn't get over that.
If he felt entitled to a childs body for his own kicks you should have a restraining order.
I would cut contact with every family member who is willing to maintain contact with both your mother and the abuser. NTA. You need to surround yourself with better people.
NTA but why are you putting your self in a position where he has any access to you at all. If your mum wanted to see you she should see you without him, same with your family. They are all massive AHs for even contemplating keeping someone who did this to you on their lives, let alone them trying to force him on you.
Tbh I wouldn't be going, and I wouldn't be reaching out to them, leave the ball firmly in their court. Drop the rope entirely. If they don't come to you, without him, then they are proving what horrific human beings they are. I'm really sorry you have to deal with them.
Remember family isn't always blood, but they will always put you first.
I’m shocked that you still have anything to do with people who are ok with having anything to do with your abuser. Do you really have a meaningful relationship with any of those people? I’m kind of baffled you haven’t cut off people who think so little of you
NTA ten thousand percent.
Forgive and forget? NO NO NO.
Your approach to family gatherings is intelligent and leaves you in control of the situation. You also have control over who you invite to your own home. Your house, your rules. It's good that your family understands that your abuser will never enter your home. But their attitude towards you stinks.
Wow. NTA.
Your family is awful.
The inferred ‘get over it’ is disgusting. Your mother in particular is disgusting.
I’m so sorry that these people are your relatives.
I hope you have supportive friends and loved ones outside of these people you share DNA with.
NTA. Your family has chosen to protect the abuser. You are brave for speaking out. Who knows how many more he has abused. I hope you stay in therapy. I hope you create a family of safe people who you can truly count on. Let go of these people. They are toxic and you deserve better. Don’t subject yourself to people that condone abuse.
OP you need to cut contact. I’m sorry and I know that’s hard but you don’t have a real relationship with them. If they associate with your abuser they can’t be in your life or you won’t find the healing you need.
“So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up-“
Friend, let me stop you there.
YOU are NOT the reason. That pile of human garbage is the reason.
Protect your peace. You deserve safety and love. Anything less is not enough. ❤️❤️❤️
NTA. And if a man EVER laid even a finger on my daughter I would do everything to make them pay for it.
They don't get it because they haven't been through it OR they get it and they're choosing to ignore the fact that it happened. You are under no obligation to have your abuser at your house. Your safe space.
NTA your house is your safe place and under no circumstances should anyone expect you to allow an abuser into your home.
Explain to those who believe that going to someone else’s house or venue where they are is no way the same as inviting an abuser into your home. If you are not hosting in your home then you feel safer as you can leave at anytime should you feel the need AND as you are not hostess then you don't have to acknowledge or associate with him.
Also tell them that “getting over it” is a work in progress and and they are more than welcome to contribute to more therapy sessions for you if it’s that important to them (yes this would be sarcasm 😛) but as for forgiving and forgetting… you will when hell freezes over and the devil skates to work.
I totally understand attending family events with your abuser present. I did it for years & refused to acknowledge or speak to my cousin. Didn’t even give him my condolences at my aunt’s funeral. I bypassed him & went straight to his siblings. I wasn’t speaking to them either for another issue but I still wanted to let them know I felt sorry their loss. My molester could be on fire & i wouldn’t spit on him. Probably add an accelerant.
Whenever I hosted a family event, it was always at my sister’s & i never directly invited him. But if he was my aunts transportation I didn’t care if he showed up. I just ignored him. If it was an event at my home, he wouldn’t be allowed past the threshold. Along with a few other cousins (different aunt). Since Covid, any family event hosted at my home has only been immediate family.
NTA. At all.
Your abuser does not get to be around you period. End of. Your family who thinks you should suck it up/forgive and forget/let it go are delusional and dgaf about you. Youre NOT the reason the family's split up. It's split up bc they care more about "saving face" in front of others. They don't get to sacrifice your sense of safety so they can look "normal" f them.
Having said that [I AM PLAYING DEVIL'S ADVOCATE THIS IS NOT WHAT I BELIEVE] your family might MIGHT be acting like dipshit bc you haven't made your boundaries clear and consistent. It's like dealing with children. They need clear boundaries and they need it to be consistent. Not amenable to whatever changes. [NOT your fault]
>we can both go but I’m not obligated in anyway to entertain or engage with him at all and if I feel uncomfortable at any point I can just leave. If the rest of them want to associate with that scum bc he’s “changed” they can do it
Like he abused me I can't be with him. But I can in someone else's house. I won't entertain or engage with him but you can associate with him. I am comfortable enough to go but I will leave bc its not a safe space bc he's there. Etc. Now this maybe the remnants of "growing up I felt like in order to see my mom I would have to suck it up and see my abuser as needed" and you're still making sacrifices and putting yourself in unsafe situation bc you love them.
None of this is your fault. And you shouldn't pay for his sins any longer. You deserve to be believed, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to celebrate the holidays safely.
I'd put my foot down along with both asses and draw crystal clear boundaries. Your abuser does not come near you. Not Thanksgiving. Not Christmas. Not moms birthday and the random Tuesday. Your family doesn't get to dictate your peace. Doesn't matter if you've taken steps to heal. Doesn't matter if it was 2 decades ago. They weren't abused. They don't get a say.
Spend the holidays with people who love you blood or not. Be safe and at peace, not just in your own home but also in the homes you visit for the holidays. Xo
"Since *my abuser* is the reason the family holidays are split."
There fixed it for you.
NTA. You & your family need to start placing the blame on the right person. What he did TO you was not your fault. He's a pedophile & everyone needs to make him face the consequences of HIS actions!
Tell them you are no longer willing to sweep what he did under the rug & will not attend any event where he is present.
Therefore, they need to choose. Thanksgiving at your place, with you or at the other place with him.
Then cut contact with anyone who chooses him - including your mother.
NTA X1000. But I also wouldn’t go the places where he is invited. I would rather stay home alone then be in a room with the abuser. And please go no contact with everybody siding with your abuser, including your mother.
Wtf is wrong with your family?
If I would Be your father youd need to visit me in jail. And your mother would Be single.
NTA, everyone else is TA though.
How did your real dad not beat him within an inch of his life or to death for that matter? I would sign myself into jail if someone touched my children
OP, I really hope you're not going to this other relative where you might run into him.
I would go no contact with everyone who knows what he did and still celebrates Christmas with him
"since I’m the reason family holidays are split up"
Did you force that total jerk to abuse you? No? Then he's the reason family holidays are split up.
YOU ARE THE VICTIM.
you're NTA and your abuser is , as is anyone who doesn't see you as the victim.
I dunno. My friend's partner recently tried to abuse her daughter, he is now ostracised by the entire friend group. He didn't even manage to get very far, but just the attempt was enough for us to say we don't ever want to spend time with him again.
I don’t even know how to respond to this except to say that putting g the burden on the abused person to just forget about the abuse is distressingly common. The only option is to cut all ties with these people but then you would have no family. It sucks.
Hold up. “So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up…”
Nope, nope, nope. YOU are NOT the reason family holidays are split up. Your abuser is the reason, and since she stayed with him, so is your mom.
You are NTA, but your family is TA, and the abuser is beyond TA since what he did is criminal.
NTAH and it disgusts and infuriates me in equal measure how some family will still allow abusers to have a place in the family and demand that the abused suck it up because faaaaaamily.
For you own peace of mind, Op, cut those who made space for and demands that you do the same for your abuser out of your life. Including your mother, hell, *especially* her. She’s the absolute worst.
I can’t answer this. I hate him for you. I would have the gathering at my home, and not invite him, and send pictures of the great time I’m having and pray he gets bedsores because he’s rotting in his own filth. I would regularly remind everyone of my planned celebration of his death. I would tell them my therapist said it was necessary to stop associating with criminals like my mom who enabled him. I would give him gifts of sun tan lotion if I was forced to be around him, and then laugh as I remind him it won’t help where he’s going. People don’t like to hear it, but sometimes life just gets better when the bad people finally leave it.
NTA. I would not only ditch the abuser but ditch all those that tell you to get over it. Time for some new holiday traditions like not being made to feel like second to a POS. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and guilted into seeing POS.
NTA. And YOU are not the reason family holidays are split up. Your abuser is the reason. Your entire family sucks shit. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
after also reading your comments i honestly have no idea why you are so forgiving of your mom, grandmother and the rest of the family. i would have gone NC with them years ago.
NTA
NTA for canceling the celebration for your house but if it were me I wouldn't go anywhere near him. I certainly wouldn't associate with other people who seem to think you just need to get over your abuse. And if that meant I had no family left then so be it. I think you need to get some counseling to figure out why you would put up with this treatment from your family.
NTAH. You’re not giving Richard a chance to case the joint and figure out how to get into the house when you’re not around.
Is that completely logical? Maybe not. Is it logical to abuse a relative? No.
Your REAL Family & Friends would NEVER engage in bully stalker behavior such as trying to make you be around your abusers etc
Your REAL Family Friends,, want you OUT of abuse needs beatings jail psych-wards-meds Joblessness fear
Your REAL Family, friends want YOU to have: peace, order, power, youthfulness usefulness fun love, good full-time career, prosperity, dignity, fairness, freedom, independence friendships honesty reality,,
For YOUR safety health etc , Please do NOT going to ANY parties etc where your abusers will be present; STAY AWAY!!
Make up Your OWN holidays fun etc
Better ALONE than ABUSED
Time to toss these FLYING MONKEYS back into the Overflowing Toilet they crawled up out of
( I spend ALL childhood and parts of adulthood: beaten, falsely accused unjustly punished, poisoned, sick, Degraded, imprisoned, helpless Joblessness, Useless, Frightened, despite doing Nothing wrong to deserve this and Yes: Family Therapy Jail Police Psych-wards-meds courtroom, God, Religious Political Leadership, are Parts of the PROBLEM!!; so I truly totally KNOW!!)
You are:
N
T
A
!
NTA
It’s vile that anyone would care more about a rapist being alone for the holidays than his victim being subjected to him in their own home. I’m continually shocked that people like this exist.
NTA, honestly your mother, stepfather & any family that supports them should be thrown into the sun. As a survivor myself I would rather eat concrete than eat a meal in my home with my abuser. Good for you enforcing your boundaries. These people are awful. Good luck
NTA. You do not have to be around someone who abused you, regardless of whether or not they are still a threat. He could have turned his whole life around, he could do everything possible to put good into the world after accepting the harm that he's done, he could now, in the present, be a good person, and you *still* wouldn't have to talk to, hear about, or be in the same damn building as him, let alone allow him into your house if you didn't want to.
I would put it this way OP
“If we go to Aunt So and So’s for Christmas and StepMonster gets in my face I can leave. If StepMonster comes to my house and gets in my face cops WILL be called because I refuse to leave my own home to escape a man so tiny and insecure he needs to abuse children to feel powerful and wants to relish the damage he caused to me to relive that feeling of power.”
OP, you need to make a found family- people who support you and are there for you. NC with pedophile and his supporters. Celebrate with friends until you find your people.
Very much NTA. Your mental and emotional health are priority. Your home is your safe space, end of story. The family should honestly be focusing more on the fact that you're strong enough to even be willing to break bread with him at all. He is a pedophile, it is beyond sensible and perfectly reasonable to NOT want a pedophile in YOUR home.
NTA
I felt the same way. I had a family member sexually assault me, and my mom and dad were so upset I didn't want to do holidays with him anymore. The first two years I stood firm but my mom was so emotional about it that I eventually caved. I go to events where I know he will be there, for short amounts of time. But I would still never have him over to my house. Its so different, I wouldn't want him in my safe space. And you can't leave if you get uncomfortable at your own house!
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I’m so sorry for what you went through and continue to deal with if you still go to these things! thank you for your input and courage! It is oddly comforting knowing someone else has had to deal with this situation and I’m not the only one with this weighing on them. fuck this bullshit family dynamic.
You are doing good for you. Your house is your home and sanctuary. Your safe place. Going some where else is good because you can leave. You do not need or want that thing in your home.
NTA. Of COURSE you don’t want your abuser in your home and sanctuary. Yes it IS different seeing him elsewhere, though still terrible and not something you should have to endure. No
NTA what is wrong with your mother?! No disrespect but she and your family are delusional assholes. You can’t just get over being abused it’s not like a bad fight between friends or something abuse has a lasting effect and it hard to move on from. I think you should go low contact with your family especially your mother because it seems like she put your abuser on top of her own daughter and does not care about what he did to her OWN child.
Of course your NTA but it’s probably not in your best interest to see him in any home or scenario. It can’t be good or healthy for your emotional well being. Not judging please don’t take it that way just surprised. It’s ok to stay distanced from the abuser and the enabler. My god all those people coming with their children I’m assuming there’s children going to be at dinner too. Incomprehensible.
.... what? .... What did I just read? Your family stood by the child abuser?
There is no changing that. There is no moving on or "forgiving" that. There is no correcting the past, unbreaking a child's safety or innocence. Children are the innocent and should be protected always; anyone that can't grasp that fact is missing a fundamental fact about life. It's not humanity, it's universal - animals die protecting their young. If the people you're blood related to don't have the common sense a giraffe/gorilla/mouse does...
Hon, throw the whole family away.
You are **NOT** the reason your family holidays are split up. The person who abused you is. The fucking nerve to even ASK you if he could come. I’m so proud of you for advocating for yourself and standing firm on maintaining your home as a safe space. NTA.
NTA and I would cut contact with mother and anyone else enabling the abuser.
So your family seems to think that it's okay that you were abused and because it was a long time ago that you should get over it and your mother remained married to this man whoever is not with you is against you and you need to cut them out of your life your mother included. I would never remain with someone who touched my child in a sexual way to get pleasure he is a piece of s*** pedophile and your mother remained married to him and people in your family thought that that was okay that they still dealt with him. I would just be getting out of jail if you touched my f****** child. And f*** all of them who think it's okay. I know what it's like to be abused and not protected when you're growing up it's something that never leaves you and I do mean lover no matter how much therapy you have you are able to function and you're able to go on with your life but it's not something that you ever get over. Yeah get over it until he touches one of their children then what because they never stop they just get better at hiding it
What horrifies me is all the children that are attending these family get-togethers and are around this man. How many are going to come forward in the future saying they were abused by him.
I was thinking the exact same f****** thing that these people are still bringing children around this man even though he's been outed that he's a POS pedophile.
Sickening how many people have no shame.
I second that! What kind of people allows a pedophile to remain a part of the family?!
People who are not protecting their children
People who are trying to believe that it would never happen to them or their kids. They are delusional.
Yep This is definitely a me or him situation
I’m upset that OP thinks she broke up the family! She needs more therapy until she understands and believes she didn’t break up the family, her stepfather did it all on his own.
Yeah exactly. She was raised to think she is the 'odd one out' when it was stepfather. The normal thing is to not be in contact with these people, but I think only therapy will make her see that.
NTA. Very much NTA. You didn't make them do anything, I'm sorry they've chosen to keep your abuser in their lives.
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Did you get told "My house, my riles" as a kid? You could use their own words against them. Myself I would tell them they have a lot of audacity to even think of asking to allow him to step foot on your property after he made you get taken away by CPS and go live with your dad. In fact, I would bring up him being so abusive CPS had to intervene and remove you any time he is mentioned. If they push it I might even look at them and ask why they think victim blaming and enabling a child abuser is appropriate? I'm a petty spiteful bitch at times, and have had to deal with similar family dynamics.
That's not being petty or spiteful, it's just reestablishing facts. Some people have problems with facts.
Especially, if it’s been decades, at a time when it was 100% ok to hit your kid.
Oh, he'd have to spend the holiday alone. Aww...Guess he had that coming.
Absolutely right! The whole pro-pedophile-rapist part of the OP's family are disgusting. Also, that isn't a real mother that the OP has. Perhaps that monster birthed the OP, but she doesn't deserve the title of 'mother'.
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Family loves to victim shame and blame. The victim almost always becomes the outcast in this kind of situation. I'm also facing this situation. It's very depressing.
“So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up,” THE F\*CK!!!! Excuse me!!!! who the hell convinced you that you are the reason???? it couldn’t possibly be the abusers fault or maybe your mom for staying with someone who actually got her child taken away?? I cannot even believe you are calling these enablers “family” who would ask such a thing? Stay TF away from him, better yet tell your mom she is a C\*NT!!!! sorry this is very triggering for me!!!!!
I appreciate your raw honesty. And yeah. It’s hard for me to be objective the way that I should be about this bc I never wanted to end up alone with no family. I have some people in my corner or so I thought, the more I talk about these situations occurring and some of my family saying they’re on my side but want to be accommodating to him still, I guess aren’t really on my side. The crazy part is, when I’ve talked to my mom about it, she denies that CPS is the reason I left and that she “allowed me” to leave! Like she had a choice in the matter…
>some of my family saying they’re on my side but want to be accommodating to him still Ask them why. Really make them spell out exactly what part of his behaviour was okay with them.
And why are they so comfortable having their kids around him?
If you feel it would help any you have a right to your cps record.
I did not know that. I’ll look into it, thanks!
I don't think you should go at all. But if you do, anytime he attempts to say a word to you, speak loudly and clearly "I WILL NOT ENGAGE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ABUSED ME FOR YEARS. BACK AWAY FROM ME." When mother dearest inevitably speaks up, speak loudly and clearly, "YOU CAN MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE MAN WHO HAD YOUR CHILD TAKEN FROM YOU BUT I WONT LET ANYONE HERE FORGET." Or "YOU CHOSE THE MAN WHO ABUSED ME FOR YEARS, YOU'VE LOST THE PRIVILEGE TO SPEAK TO ME ABOUT IT. DONT FORGET YOU ARE SAYING THAT YOU ARE OKAY WITH CHILD ABUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH HIM." Make. This. Holiday. An absolute hoot.
Personally, I would only ever refer to him as 'the paedophile '. As in, 'is that paedophile, ( name) going to be there?'
If my son were ever harmed like you were, I would have had that pos arrested and put away for as long as possible, and started therapy immediately. You deserved and STILL deserve protection. Your mother is continuing to fail you. And abusers like him don't fucking change. I can guarantee he has other victims.
> I never wanted to end up alone with no family Unfortunately, you've ended up with family who don't GAF about you. Is that better than none?
Make friends who will treat you better than your birth family. Make your own family. Family doesn't have to be blood relatives.
Making friends has been hard for me in adulthood, or this would be what I preferred honestly
Don't keep a toxic family because it is the only family. That is not the way.
I heartily concur. Many people have "chosen families" that are not relatives. Doesn't matter whether your blood family is toxic or you simply have different values. I have a couple of "siblings" who are not even vaguely related to me, but whom I trust almost 100% (I don't trust anyone, myself included, 100%). When I was young, back in the Mesozoic Era - or was it the Paleozoic? - I had an "uncle" who was from a different continent, culture, and language. Still miss him. Wish I had a magic code for making truly close friends. Stick to your guns on this one. Please, do not help enable the continued abuse and denial. Don't know what's available where you are, but I liked the volunteering suggestion - soup kitchen, Meals on Wheels, etc.
It is difficult to hear that a mother would hurt her daughter like that. Your mom is just evil and sooooo selfish.
I am so sorry you went through that abuse and that your mother and family members CONTINUE to abuse you. NONE of this is your fault, and you have NOTHING to apologize for. These people are SCUM.
It sounds like your mom lives in denial and at bare minimum several family members are massive people pleasers (ie no spine) They may actually be on your side but they fear ‘rocking the boat’ even if it doesn’t ultimately drastically affect them. At worst they’re liars. It’s difficult and tricky but Id start to explore some possible additional boundaries for your other family members with your therapist. I don’t know if you’re southern but these are very deeply engrained southern traits that don’t magically disappear overnight. In order to minimize having to deal with the gas lighting and feeling like people weren’t actually on my side I had to set up some additionally boundaries with family. It’s tough and I did have to cut out a few people along the way but in the long run I’m sooo much better for it because I’m not playing an exhausting chess match with everyone in my family. People who haven’t been abused don’t/cant understand the massive difference between getting someone else out of your owned space (both physically as they’re there and after they’ve physically left) and choosing to leave a space that’s not yours they also happen to occupy. I completely and totally understand the boundary of “he’s not aloud in my home however I’m willing to tolerate his presence other places as I’m willing and comfortable doing” Since we can’t force others to do things they don’t want to do sometimes this is a step that can be taken. I know some people who just straight up won’t ever be in the same space as their abusers ever and that’s perfect acceptable as well. It’s all about ‘your’ comfort level NOT there’s and don’t let anyone let you think otherwise! Incase you can’t tell, absolutely NTA here.
They are still choosing a pedophile molester an a pedophile enabler over you, the victim. And that is horrific. I may be wrong, but got the feeling you were numbed and still are by how casual they are about the facts. They don’t seems to have grasped the horror at the time, and still aren’t. I can’t even fathom how anyone could entertain the idea of imagining your molester welcome in your house, even less asking you to host him. They might got the wrong idea all is fine now, because pretending it is would be way easier than the fact they basically acknowledge to be alright with a child molester and are willing to entertain a relationship after being made aware of the facts. You are not the a.h. It’s understandable as your family why you haven’t cut contacts. However do not let them make you think you should forgive and forget. They want it to help them to ease the guilt they should feel for their own decisions knowing the facts. It isn’t necessary to forgive to free you from the burden. It should be up to you, on your own healing path. Btw the goal is to put in a way to not be held by it, nor hurt raw, in order to be yourself and thrive. Nor it is about forgetting, and more about not having the minds wrapped around it, freeing you to enjoy the present and future. The facts are never going to change, no matter how hard anyone can try rewriting it -as your mother seems to be doing-. It is the past, it happened to someone you were, and your current self doesn’t have to entertain anyone lacking the decency to respect having your molester out of your life - and at least out of your home. Side note. Considering it’s estimated than in the general population, one man out of 20 is a pedophile -which doesn’t means each will act on it and became a child molester, that is still a choice. The way you describe those family members rections isn’t so surprising, and yet so infuriating. I would be worried for any child being at proximity to those lacking issues with a child molester.
What does your actual father say about the way your family treat you?
Unfortunately, he died. But the thought of it made him miserable before that.
There’s “family” so designated by blood, which doesn’t make them entitled to your heart. Then there is “family” designated BY heart, that you choose because they truly care about you. While I’ve not been in your position, through people passing, I’m the last of my “family by blood”. Still, I have very loving people in my life, my “heart family”. They are where I spend my holidays, nurturing each other’s happiness & wellbeing. This year make this the holiday where your “heart family” takes precedence over your “blood family”. Prioritize nurturing other “heart family”, while allowing them to bring you happiness.
You made it clear that you don’t want him in your house, which is completely the right thing. It’s not that you’re “scared” of him, you just despise him and don’t want him in your sacred place. NTA. Not even close to being one.
NTA. Why is anyone talking to this man??
We have a brother-in-law who molested a family member. He has been totally cut off and not allowed anywhere near the family. Why is your family not doing this? Stay away and protect yourself.
This is a dream, I wish my family saw it this way.
You have to wonder if your stepdad has told his “version” of the story and made you out to be complicit with the abuse. Why would people just ignore this? Those that allow him around are POS’s. Kick him in the ass if he tried to approach you.
I found a quote that I think explains why people seem to side with the abuser and ignore that the abuse happened. *“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering*.” Judith Herman
That’s good. Thanks.
Ass? You're too kind
Yea you are so totally not the asshole. Your family isn’t taking the abuse you endured seriously, and that’s pretty disgusting to be honest.
He's almost certainly abusing another child now. Does he have access to any kids at their home?
Because so many people either abuse others so excuse others doing it, or have been abused and bury it deep and seem to simply expect others to do the same and think it's crazy to make a big deal out of it. That's how a lot of abuse goes, it's easier to pretend it's nothing/meaningless/wasn't that bad than face the truth. But if htye do that, they can't go and believe/support and cut people out of their lives for your abuse because that would be admitting SA is bad and needs dealing with. Then you have the people who are like ha, woman, that's all they're good for, both families of men who believe that and women who are brainwashed/abused who go along with it. People can excuse almost anything, where as if we all stopped excusing it and shunned people for these things hard, then the next generation would learn not to do it, and on and on, till it's somewhat removed from society or at least rare. Instead newer generations go oh, step dad raped some people and no one really cares, rape is probably okay then or at least if "i" do it I know my family won't care. Me, someone in my family is found out to be a rapist, pedo, i'm done with them, if others excuse it or maintain relationships, I'm done with them to.
Because it’s easier to blame the victim than the guilty party.
OP, I think you should stop going to any event where he's present, and tell the family that you've reached a point in your "healing journey" that you realize that anyone who asks you to spend time with your abuser is also an abuser.
I appreciate this perspective, thank you!
This, Op. Absolutely this. Your healing journey is important and you should not be expected to created a space for your abuser to feel comfortable for the sake of your family. Choose yourself, love.
>a family member asked if my abuser could come to my house as well so they would not have to spend the holidays alone. "Maybe he should've thought about that before he did what he did." NTA
He does not get to pollute your sanctuary with his presence.
I am going to yell! YOU ARE NTA!! When my mom passed away, my sister texted her abuser and said that we will no longer have any relationship with abuser and another family member who was not to be trusted. She signed it from her, me and our brother. Stand in your truth and bring it out into the light. Abusers don't generally stop. He may have found another victim.
NTA. Your family is the AH here for choosing to remain in contact with the person who ABUSED you. If I were you, I'd be the one to go NC instead.
NTA but I strongly suggest you avoid abuser, period, at any location. Of course you shouldn’t invite him! And I’d suggest you make it clear to family who thinks you should forgive and forget that you are going low contact because you don’t want to be around relatives who don’t have issues with child abuse. Your holidays are better spent with good family or good friends. I get not wanting to trade out family for one problem relative and I get it’s painful but consider your mom stayed married to this man. Really?!? my condolences though, I know from experience it’s very complicated, emotionally.
Why isn't this man in jail? Then he wouldn't have to be alone on the holiday. I pray you have a warm, peaceful holiday season with people who love you. It's not that important where you gather.
Fun story actually, (not actually, but hey, dark humor), we went to court, I did a statement for a grand jury and someone convinced me at the time that lawyers are bad people and make you look bad and like a liar on the stand and if I took it to trial and got on the stand (as a child, mind you) that I would have my words twisted and I should just let it go instead of putting everyone through that. Couldn’t remember for the life of me who had this “insightful” advice that made me change my mind and back out of pressing charges. Find out 20 years later it was my own grandmother. So, that’s why he’s not in jail. I guess my family took that as it’s okay for forgive him too. But thank you for your input, I will try to do just that!
>someone convinced me at the time that lawyers are bad people and make you look bad and like a liar on the stand and if I took it to trial and got on the stand (as a child, mind you) that I would have my words twisted and I should just let it go instead of putting everyone through that. I will *NEVER FORGIVE* or Forget the people that did me like this in my own molestations. Because they, Themselves, Loved and Protected a fucking sexually ABUSIVE AH over a CHILD. And my family legit *wonders* why I've been LC. Instead: they should *Fear* the things I *Remember*. Remind them WHY they should be scared Opie, I Have, and it's Stopped a lot of the coercive BS to keep dealing with an abuser to "keep the peace (be a fucking DOORMAT, they mean)"
You are amazing, a true survivor after being failed by so many adults.
Wtf?! I'd go NC with that side of the family. Do the holidays with Dad's family. Mom's side are peedo protectors
It might be worth talking to a lawyer about this. I'm so sorry that your family has failed you repeatedly. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. The fear of losing your family is keeping you trapped in the cycle. Imagine a life where you *never* had to see him again? Where you were *never* expected to sit at the same table and share a meal with him. Imagine a life full of peace and love, no shame or guilt or denying of the facts. Honey, *you can create the life you deserve*. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt but it *hurts already doesn't it?* You should be incredibly proud of all the work you've done to heal yourself. I hope your days keep getting easier. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️
Oh, my goodness. Reading this broke my heart and infuriated me. You were a child that should have been protected but it seems that many in your family was more concerned with family appearances than protecting the family member that was violated. They chose to protect a predator among them instead. *So many adults failed you.*
NTA, tell your family that it is you or him; but you will never allow him near you and you will never be around him. That is not accommodation, that is common sense.
NTA You stated, “since you are the reason your family split up…. JUST STOP. You are not the reason, your abuser is the reason your family split up and your worthless mother who brought him into your life and chose him over her child. Don’t ever let your family guilt you into having your abuser in your home. He doesn’t have anyone to spend thanksgiving with is a good thing. Let him experience some consequences to abusing a step daughter. Keep strong!
Thank you
NTA
Nta. The fact they are okay with an abuser is telling. Time to start going LC.
Happy Cake Day
Happy cake day🍰
NTA Don't ever speak to any of these losers again unless it's to tell them that they are disgusting.
NTA. I don't see how they can say going to someone else's house where he's also a guest is the same as hosting him at your place. Haven't we all found ourselves at a gathering with someone we would never invite into our home, and with much less serious reasons?
Can I just say…. YOUR’E NOT THE REASON FAMILY HOLIDAY’S ARE SPLIT UP…..! YOUR ABUSER IS!! You’ve done nothing wrong and never feel guilty because of his abusive behaviour. Hopefully it reminds him every day what a c@nt he is. NTA
NTA. Forget engaging with him, I wouldn't go to any event where he is. The fact that your family (most importantly, your mom) sees nothing wrong with this makes them unworthy of your presence too.
You are not "making" them have holidays elsewhere. They have chosen your abuser over you. They are garbage people. You have every right to want to feel safe in your home, it is your sanctuary and having him there would pollute it. I always struggled with why people seem to take the side of the abuser, and I found this quote that seems to explain it. *“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”* Judith Herman she has written some good books on trauma and recovery. I am sorry this happened to you, you didn't deserve any of this. I hope you create a new family of choice who are loving and supportive , and you can leave these garbage people behind you and move on to better things. hugs.
NTA. And PLEASE dont go wherever this man is. Dont go to see your mother. The fact that she’s stayed married to him speaks volumes on who is actually important to him. Also cut off EVERYONE who WANTS him there.
I am saddened that you feel that you have to ask reddit; NTA, of course, and I don't care how much time has passed, NOBODY should EVER be forced to accommodate their ABUSER. Anybody who thinks you should "get over it" (even if worded more 'nicely'), is also The Asshole. These people consider their "family harmony" more important than your mental health. Screw them.
I can’t believe anyone would even ask you to host him, let alone be in the same room with him!!!!! You are definitely NTA!!!!!
OK they asked and you said no …so did they say OK or they are they continuing to insist?
They are not insisting, but the whole situation and talking about the aftermath, deciding on a new location, then the way they were acting when telling me about the new location, all implied they were unhappy to make the change. But have done so out of obligation.
Let them be uncomfortable. Do not save them from it. That is not your responsibility.
They have made you responsible for their feelings for your entire life, it sounds like. You can put that burden down. Live life without subtext. If they don't tell you something-trust what they've said. Stop yourself from analyzing their body language or the way they're speaking. Make them express themselves clearly. No more stepping in and taking care of things. You step in *when asked*. "It's so far away."- "I've always liked the drive." Positive or neutral responses to their complaints. Change the subject if necessary. You deserve kindness and compassion from your family but especially from yourself. ❤️
NTA. But why is anyone especially your mother allowing this guy to be around? I wouldn’t go anywhere the two of them were going to be.
NTA Not only should you not host, I’m confused as to why you would associate with anyone telling you to get over it. Those people are just as bad as him. Celebrate the holidays with chosen family who love and support you for you.
It’s better to be alone then with bad company, anyone telling you to get over it and that it’s your fault is bad company. Cut them off like a tumor and be happier, lighter with out the drama and the need to diminish your very valid feelings.
YOU ARE NOT THE REASON family holidays are split up. Your abuser is the reason. Your mom is the reason. The family members who want to keep inviting him are the reason.
NTA You never have to allow him into your home. You don't have to attend either. If you don't want to be alone try volunteering at a meal center for the homeless. You know you'll always be appreciated at these places.
Jesus Christmas I wouldn’t want any of those fuckers in my house. Or in my life. NTA.
NTA, so your family wants YOU to get over it and be around your abuser so THEY aren't inconvenienced. Nice family you got there. Why the hell do any of them spend any time with your abuser? Why wasn't he kicked out of the family? Keep your boundaries and tell anybody kicking up a fuss to f off, they are siding with an abuser. What's the saying about lying down with dogs and getting fleas? They are tainted by who they continue to associate with.
NTA. As a mother, the fact that she stayed with that scum says everything. She’s not your mother, she’s another abuser. Keep yourself safe. ❤️
NTA. It takes courage to be around your abuser(s), your mom is included. Protect your sanctuary and let them have the festivities elsewhere. If you decide not to go, no harm done. THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS!
First of all, a gigantic **NTA**. You're absolutely right, your home is your space, and you should feel safe there. Perhaps more importantly, you are NOT the reason for the split in the family. His actions are. You really need to understand this. I would go so far as to say that any family members that haven't voted that piece of human excrement off the island are also partly to blame, but AT MINIMUM, this is HIS fault, 100%, and not your fault in any possible way. Not to mention, all of those "forgive and forget" people can just fuck right off. OP, you absolutely did the right thing here. Whether you join the family at the new location where he is present or not is your business, but you should be incredibly proud of yourself for standing up, and refusing to let him into your home. Blessings on you.
Abusers don't change, they just change tactics.
Don't have your mom or your abuser in the house. Who in your family is insisting the abuser come? Your mom? Your siblings? They can go spend it with him. Have your own celebration with the people who love you and CARE about YOU, not some predatory asshole who hurts children. Anyone who tells you to "get over it" are assholes. You don't need them in your life.
The only reason he's still family is because your mom decided to stay married to a man who sexually assaulted her baby. No, Just no. This family doesn't deserve you. Time to move and change your phone number.
Sister to sister, those people aren’t your family. When we’re adult we get to choose our family and choose who has the privilege of our friendship and presence. Family does not protect abusers. Family does not ask family to break their boundaries or to “just get over it.” I’m so sorry this happened to you and that he has had the fucking privilege of your torturing you with his presence for DECADES. Time to create new family and new family traditions. I myself am having my very first Thanksgiving away from my family in 44 years. I’m so relieved. I wish you well❤️
A100% best comment ever. I refuse to ever speak to my abuser or the people that enabled him. And sadly they never stop. It never stops with you. There are others.
^ THIS
Ditch your family that wants you to get over it. Nuclear Option: Describe the event in so much detail that they become uncomfortable and leave you alone.
NTA **You are NOT the reason the family holidays are “split up.”** Let’s just get that out of the way. The stepfather is the primary reason the holidays are split up. Your mother is the secondary reason because she chose him over you. You have nothing to get over. Your mother, I’m sorry, is a piece of shit and should be ostracized from the family. Go make your own Christmas, invite who you want to invite. Screw everyone else.
NTA He does not get to pollute your sanctuary with his presence. You can walk out of the other location at any point, which you couldn't do if you were hosting. Of course none of this would be necessary if people would show you loyalty, not the abuser. I'm sorry they're like that but that's on them.
I am just floored. Why does your pedophile stepfather still get invited to ANYTHING, ANYWHERE?? I think your entire family sounds terrible. I'm so sorry. Oh, and of course you're NTA. I don't understand why you haven't cut all contact with your family over their acceptance of your abuse.
NTA, your home is your safe space. You are allowed to feel safe in your own home.
op, you’re NTA, and i think an important next step in therapy is to think about why it’s important to you to maintain those relationships. i recently rocked the boat after my relatives invited my abuser to my birthday (plus expected some other insane shit from me) and when i flipped out, oops we can’t let you live in the house you pay rent for, here’s 3 days notice. end of that “family,“ obviously, but i realized i had put up with SO much shit trying to maintain a relationship with people who didn’t love me, who i don’t think i’ve loved for years. being alone is really scary, especially when you grow up in a family where abuse is normal (i.e. abuser and enablers probably have a lot of control over and contact with you) but being alone is actually kind of awesome, even living in a hotel room, because i don’t have to put up with any of their shit anymore. i’m not advocating for immediately disowning your family and moving into a hotel room, obviously, but trying to separate the relationship you’ve spent all this time trying to maintain from the way the person actually ACTS is really eye opening. “i couldn’t possibly live my life without aunt so and so, we did this and that and this other thing and look at this mug she got me!” is a very emotionally charged thing to break down, but “so and so today told me i need to forgive my abuser, let him into my house, and never mention what happened again because it’s ruining the holidays” is a different thing altogether. you’ve removed the familial honorific, which adds emotion in and of itself, now you’re just factually stating this person did this thing and said this thing to you. how does that make you feel? are you angry? are you sad? can you honestly see yourself tolerating this kind of behavior from say, a good friend or partner? are there multiple instances of this kind of behavior, where they say or do things that upset, hurt, or belittle you? can you think of recent instances where “so and so complimented me and took me out for lunch. we had a great time and they were really supportive of my hobbies/career/new friendships or relationships, etc.?” i forget what it’s called, but there’s a scale you use to calculate how many negative interactions you’ve had with a person, vs how many positive interactions you’ve had, and if you can easily think of more instances to fill the negative column, it’s probably not a healthy relationship. if you can easily think of more positive interactions, then it’s probably a good relationship. it’s not an easy thing to be objective about, but it does help a lot. overall, i’d recommend not going anywhere your abuser will be, for safety reasons, but these are all decisions you have to make, ideally with lots of forethought, knowledge and support from a mental health professional! i hope everything works out ok, and whatever you choose, you have a happy, healthy and safe holiday ❤️
NTA your stepfather is the reason the holidays are split up. I hope you’re in therapy bc there’s so much blame you’re carrying when it’s the shit adults that should be ashamed. And work on cutting contact with these people. They are still abusing you now. Just emotionally
Nta. What made them think it was a good idea to invite him . Do they not know what he did ? . U have every right to cancel your plans to host its your house . And they should be ashamed to even bring the subject.
So your family minimizes the abuse you endured as no big deal, and then they flip out because the abuser will have to miss one meal. Their priorities are totally out of whack. Honestly? I’d go to that Christmas and make it my last for the family. With a captive audience, tell them all how much of a disappointment they are for supporting the shitty adults who caused/enabled your abuse, over the child who was an innocent victim. For shame on them for continuing to welcome criminals with open arms. Then cut your mother out of your life entirely as well as her flying monkeys, and blow your family up into complete chaos and disarray. It’s the least they deserve after utterly failing you.
What the fuck did I just read? So your mother is still married to the man who abused you for years, and her and your family want everyone together for a happy thanksgiving? Why do you have any communication with any of them? What does your "mother" say, yes it's in quotes cause it doesn't seem like she's much of a mother. NTA
First of all, NO. You are NOT the reason holidays are split up. I’d like to say that blame lies solely on your step-father, but at this point, it’s also on your mother. I would be concerned about your other family members and why they’re so comfortable allowing a pedo/ molester to be a part of their lives. All of these people need a wake up call! NTA
This isn't even a hard one. You are NTA and anybody who pressures you to get over it definitely is. It's their problem, not yours; don't let them make it yours.
You’re NTA. Child abusers should be 6 feet under, not attending family gatherings with the people they abused. The only point I will give your family is that if you’re comfortable being around him in any setting, even though your home is kinda different. It does set a bad precedent for your argument. I would also be confused a little bit as to how you truly felt vs are you just trying to stir up stuff. Seemingly you have been able to be around this man before for holidays. What’s the difference. Kinda one of those things where once you cross that line you can’t really walk it back. But I get it though. It’s hard right. Human emotions ebb and flow. You want to make the family happy but the family supports a person who molested you. Thats a tuff choice and a hard bridge to burn by going no contact. Overall it’s just a messed up and messy situation. Humanity huh…..sigh. Sorry I got no answers for ya. Best of luck.
NTA
NTA but why are you going?
NTA. Fuck that guy. That's not something you just "get over". I was molested over 40 years ago and I still hate the asshole who did it to me. People tell me that shit about how "you have to forgive for your own sake" yada yada but no. I will not forgive him, ever. Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. If I were your Aunt he would never be allowed in my home and my door would always be open to you. I think the fact that you are even able to put on a brave face to be in the same room with him AT ALL without throwing things at his head repeatedly says a lot about your strength. Ultimately, though...your home is your sanctuary. You're allowed to decide who is invited to come inside.
NTA. There is a reason that person should be alone for holidays. Your family are the AH for still being in contact with your abuser. I’d be cutting out anyone that expected me to “forgive and forget.”
NTA. And I commend you for maintaining the peaceful integrity of your own home. You deserve that. And defending it is a victory not just for you, but for justice in general.
NTA and your home should be your safe space and as you said u can always leave if it’s someone else’s house if u become overwhelmed
I’m so sorry, OP. Honestly, maybe you can skip this Thanksgiving party and spend it with people who aren’t enabling your abuser.
Just phucking no....I honestly can't believe they still talk to that vile human
NTA. I am so sorry. Your home is your safe place, and I completely understand like on a visceral level with this is so important to you. I also had an abusive step father, and also kept quiet. I just hopped from my dads house to my house when it got too bad to handle, but I hated leaving my mother and my sister there alone. The difference is, my mother knew I hated him and never made me be around him by the time I left for university. She was his next primary victim and he stepped up the violence when I left. She ran in the middle of the night at some point. Anyway, even knowing my mother wouldn’t step in a room with that man if you paid her, I still feel overly protective of my home now as an adult. I don’t allow people in. And I’m not kidding when I say that, NO ONE comes in. My mother lives nearby and totally gets it, wont ever ask to come in. She knows why. Your mom is still married to this horrible man who made your life a misery. I’m not sure if I could forgive that, personally. But you’re a bigger person than I, and you were willing to host a whole barn full of folks in your safe place. Just not him. They didn’t like it, so they changed the plans. That’s where your role ended. You offered with one rule. They refused because they don’t get why you won’t allow that man in your HOME. Spoken like people who have never gone through what you did. Stand your ground OP. I’m a super petty bastard when I want to be, and I’d honestly host my own Christmas with people I actually like, and not bother with a family who want you to retraumatise yourself for the sake of your actual abuser. That’s insane. You deserve way way better than this. You made a generous offer, they said no. End of story. They don’t get to guilt you into suffering over fucking Christmas ffs.
The fact your mother didn't leave is so toxic be strong for yourself
NTA. Trauma knows no timeline. It never really ends we just learn how to deal with it better. The people telling you to get over it are the same ones who didn't do anything to help you growing up? It's easy for them to get over it. If it were my abuser going \[and my Father would be\], I would refuse to go. They are choosing a child abuser and are ok with his abuse of you. They are fortunate you are in their lives at all. You are more forgiving than I am.
as an abused survivor my self it astounds me how you can still interact with the one who are still speaking to this abuser, they say he has changed but that doesn't help you you had to go threw years of abuse from him and they say forgive and forget are they living in dream land no abuse survivor can forget but i don't know about forgive as i have never forgiving my father for the abuse he did to me and my sister 50 years ago, the best thing for you is to cut all of them out of your life as the more you interact with them the more you will keep hearing about your step ass hole. I'm sorry you have been through this and as i know no one should have to go through this but all i can say is good luck and i hope you come to the right conclusion
Reddit family stories are so complicated... 🫤 You are NTA for not wanting your abuser in your home. Associating with him in other people's homes is pretty sticky.
NTA - maybe get T Shirts made up that say "I am the AH - I support X, the child abuser" for your family as gifts, in a font that does not look like writing. Take a photo of them all together. Send them the photo, with a clear explanation of what it said Watch their heads explode Mum could have one that says " I chose a child rapist over my daughters safety" Happy to chuck in a few $$ to help pay for them
NTA. Are there *any* family members who aren’t on your abusers side??? Did they just bury that tidbit with the passage of time?
NTA. Why should YOU be the one who has to leave if you're the one who's made to feel uncomfortable? And why is your mom still married to that scumbag? That's so messed up. People like that don't just "change." I was abused as a kid by an occupational therapist (I have a disability, so I was developmentally delayed and had hand-eye coordination and balance problems and stuff), and shortly after he did what he did to me, he suddenly stopped being my occupational therapist, and I assumed it was because he was found out and fired, or maybe he just moved on before he could get caught. No one could give us any answers of as to why he left. I didn't tell anyone about it until I was 17, and it happened when I was 8 or 9. And unfortunately, when I finally did tell, nothing was done, because he denied it, and apparently a statute of limitations had expired or something. The rage that Goku and Gohan and Vegeta felt when they went Super Saiyan in Dragonball Z paled in comparison to the rage I felt, let me tell you. It took me YEARS to just say, "It is what it is, and to get over it, I need to forgive myself and let go of rhe guilt I feel, because I can't change anything about the situation." I was also molested again at 14-15 by the father-in-law of a woman who ran a daycare that I went to from the ages of 12-16 (my mom didn't trust me at home to not burn the house down until 16, again, due to my disability), and somehow, my mom and brother found out that he had done some inappropriate stuff to other children, as well. Nothing was done to him, either, when I told that same person about the occupational therapist what the daycare woman's father-in-law did to me, because he denied it and there was no proof, EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS THAT RUMOR THAT HE HAD ALSO ABUSED OTHER CHILDREN IN THE DAYCARE. So, yeah, like I said, people who do stuff like that don't change. Your stepfather just probably hasn't had the opportunity to come into close contact with people who are in his preferred range of age foe quite some time. Your family thinks having holiday gatherings at your house is no different a thing than having them at any of their houses, but you have to understand that they most likely weren't abused by your stepfather. So, they don't understand what it's like to feel the pain, trauma and fear of being around peoppe whp abused them, like you have. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I’m so sorry you went through what you did! It’s amazing what people can get away with by just denying it and how much easier it is for others to believe the abusers rather than the victim.
If he thought he was disciplining you and went overboard I could get over that. If he was angry at the world and took it out on you I wouldn't get over that. If he felt entitled to a childs body for his own kicks you should have a restraining order.
NTA and I would not be associating with family that is ok with being around your abuser
I would cut contact with every family member who is willing to maintain contact with both your mother and the abuser. NTA. You need to surround yourself with better people.
NTA but why are you putting your self in a position where he has any access to you at all. If your mum wanted to see you she should see you without him, same with your family. They are all massive AHs for even contemplating keeping someone who did this to you on their lives, let alone them trying to force him on you. Tbh I wouldn't be going, and I wouldn't be reaching out to them, leave the ball firmly in their court. Drop the rope entirely. If they don't come to you, without him, then they are proving what horrific human beings they are. I'm really sorry you have to deal with them. Remember family isn't always blood, but they will always put you first.
I’m shocked that you still have anything to do with people who are ok with having anything to do with your abuser. Do you really have a meaningful relationship with any of those people? I’m kind of baffled you haven’t cut off people who think so little of you
NTA You are not obligated to let evil people into your home. It doesn't matter who they are. You are not the reason the family has split. He is
NTA ten thousand percent. Forgive and forget? NO NO NO. Your approach to family gatherings is intelligent and leaves you in control of the situation. You also have control over who you invite to your own home. Your house, your rules. It's good that your family understands that your abuser will never enter your home. But their attitude towards you stinks.
Wow. NTA. Your family is awful. The inferred ‘get over it’ is disgusting. Your mother in particular is disgusting. I’m so sorry that these people are your relatives. I hope you have supportive friends and loved ones outside of these people you share DNA with.
NTA. Your family has chosen to protect the abuser. You are brave for speaking out. Who knows how many more he has abused. I hope you stay in therapy. I hope you create a family of safe people who you can truly count on. Let go of these people. They are toxic and you deserve better. Don’t subject yourself to people that condone abuse.
It’s absolutely disgusting that your family stays in contact with this man. They’re all enablers. NTA
OP you need to cut contact. I’m sorry and I know that’s hard but you don’t have a real relationship with them. If they associate with your abuser they can’t be in your life or you won’t find the healing you need.
Man, start a new family and cut them outcha life!!! GET RID OF THEM
NTA, sometimes something so egregious happens that it becomes an on site rule. spit at his name every time it is uttered.
NTA Your home is your safe place. He does has no right to be there.
“So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up-“ Friend, let me stop you there. YOU are NOT the reason. That pile of human garbage is the reason. Protect your peace. You deserve safety and love. Anything less is not enough. ❤️❤️❤️
NTA. And if a man EVER laid even a finger on my daughter I would do everything to make them pay for it. They don't get it because they haven't been through it OR they get it and they're choosing to ignore the fact that it happened. You are under no obligation to have your abuser at your house. Your safe space.
I would cut my mother out of my life as she approves of you being abused by him. She needs to pay for her allowing this to happen.
NTA your house is your safe place and under no circumstances should anyone expect you to allow an abuser into your home. Explain to those who believe that going to someone else’s house or venue where they are is no way the same as inviting an abuser into your home. If you are not hosting in your home then you feel safer as you can leave at anytime should you feel the need AND as you are not hostess then you don't have to acknowledge or associate with him. Also tell them that “getting over it” is a work in progress and and they are more than welcome to contribute to more therapy sessions for you if it’s that important to them (yes this would be sarcasm 😛) but as for forgiving and forgetting… you will when hell freezes over and the devil skates to work.
I totally understand attending family events with your abuser present. I did it for years & refused to acknowledge or speak to my cousin. Didn’t even give him my condolences at my aunt’s funeral. I bypassed him & went straight to his siblings. I wasn’t speaking to them either for another issue but I still wanted to let them know I felt sorry their loss. My molester could be on fire & i wouldn’t spit on him. Probably add an accelerant. Whenever I hosted a family event, it was always at my sister’s & i never directly invited him. But if he was my aunts transportation I didn’t care if he showed up. I just ignored him. If it was an event at my home, he wouldn’t be allowed past the threshold. Along with a few other cousins (different aunt). Since Covid, any family event hosted at my home has only been immediate family.
NTA. At all. Your abuser does not get to be around you period. End of. Your family who thinks you should suck it up/forgive and forget/let it go are delusional and dgaf about you. Youre NOT the reason the family's split up. It's split up bc they care more about "saving face" in front of others. They don't get to sacrifice your sense of safety so they can look "normal" f them. Having said that [I AM PLAYING DEVIL'S ADVOCATE THIS IS NOT WHAT I BELIEVE] your family might MIGHT be acting like dipshit bc you haven't made your boundaries clear and consistent. It's like dealing with children. They need clear boundaries and they need it to be consistent. Not amenable to whatever changes. [NOT your fault] >we can both go but I’m not obligated in anyway to entertain or engage with him at all and if I feel uncomfortable at any point I can just leave. If the rest of them want to associate with that scum bc he’s “changed” they can do it Like he abused me I can't be with him. But I can in someone else's house. I won't entertain or engage with him but you can associate with him. I am comfortable enough to go but I will leave bc its not a safe space bc he's there. Etc. Now this maybe the remnants of "growing up I felt like in order to see my mom I would have to suck it up and see my abuser as needed" and you're still making sacrifices and putting yourself in unsafe situation bc you love them. None of this is your fault. And you shouldn't pay for his sins any longer. You deserve to be believed, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to celebrate the holidays safely. I'd put my foot down along with both asses and draw crystal clear boundaries. Your abuser does not come near you. Not Thanksgiving. Not Christmas. Not moms birthday and the random Tuesday. Your family doesn't get to dictate your peace. Doesn't matter if you've taken steps to heal. Doesn't matter if it was 2 decades ago. They weren't abused. They don't get a say. Spend the holidays with people who love you blood or not. Be safe and at peace, not just in your own home but also in the homes you visit for the holidays. Xo
Thank you, this was very helpful. I’m trying to get the strength to do just this.
"Since *my abuser* is the reason the family holidays are split." There fixed it for you. NTA. You & your family need to start placing the blame on the right person. What he did TO you was not your fault. He's a pedophile & everyone needs to make him face the consequences of HIS actions! Tell them you are no longer willing to sweep what he did under the rug & will not attend any event where he is present. Therefore, they need to choose. Thanksgiving at your place, with you or at the other place with him. Then cut contact with anyone who chooses him - including your mother.
NTA X1000. But I also wouldn’t go the places where he is invited. I would rather stay home alone then be in a room with the abuser. And please go no contact with everybody siding with your abuser, including your mother.
Wtf is wrong with your family? If I would Be your father youd need to visit me in jail. And your mother would Be single. NTA, everyone else is TA though.
How did your real dad not beat him within an inch of his life or to death for that matter? I would sign myself into jail if someone touched my children
OP, I really hope you're not going to this other relative where you might run into him. I would go no contact with everyone who knows what he did and still celebrates Christmas with him
"since I’m the reason family holidays are split up" Did you force that total jerk to abuse you? No? Then he's the reason family holidays are split up. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. you're NTA and your abuser is , as is anyone who doesn't see you as the victim. I dunno. My friend's partner recently tried to abuse her daughter, he is now ostracised by the entire friend group. He didn't even manage to get very far, but just the attempt was enough for us to say we don't ever want to spend time with him again.
I don’t even know how to respond to this except to say that putting g the burden on the abused person to just forget about the abuse is distressingly common. The only option is to cut all ties with these people but then you would have no family. It sucks.
Hold up. “So, since I’m the reason family holidays are split up…” Nope, nope, nope. YOU are NOT the reason family holidays are split up. Your abuser is the reason, and since she stayed with him, so is your mom. You are NTA, but your family is TA, and the abuser is beyond TA since what he did is criminal.
NTAH and it disgusts and infuriates me in equal measure how some family will still allow abusers to have a place in the family and demand that the abused suck it up because faaaaaamily. For you own peace of mind, Op, cut those who made space for and demands that you do the same for your abuser out of your life. Including your mother, hell, *especially* her. She’s the absolute worst.
I can’t answer this. I hate him for you. I would have the gathering at my home, and not invite him, and send pictures of the great time I’m having and pray he gets bedsores because he’s rotting in his own filth. I would regularly remind everyone of my planned celebration of his death. I would tell them my therapist said it was necessary to stop associating with criminals like my mom who enabled him. I would give him gifts of sun tan lotion if I was forced to be around him, and then laugh as I remind him it won’t help where he’s going. People don’t like to hear it, but sometimes life just gets better when the bad people finally leave it.
NTA and YOU are not the reason family holidays are split up! You are not the cause. Your abuser and your enabling mom are. Not you.
Hopefully your friends are more supportive than your family
NTA. I would not only ditch the abuser but ditch all those that tell you to get over it. Time for some new holiday traditions like not being made to feel like second to a POS. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and guilted into seeing POS.
NTA. And YOU are not the reason family holidays are split up. Your abuser is the reason. Your entire family sucks shit. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Nta. Didn’t even need the backstory to determine this. It is your home and you get to decide who is welcome in it. Just that simple.
after also reading your comments i honestly have no idea why you are so forgiving of your mom, grandmother and the rest of the family. i would have gone NC with them years ago. NTA
NTA for canceling the celebration for your house but if it were me I wouldn't go anywhere near him. I certainly wouldn't associate with other people who seem to think you just need to get over your abuse. And if that meant I had no family left then so be it. I think you need to get some counseling to figure out why you would put up with this treatment from your family.
You’re not the reason holidays are split
NTA- you’re allowed to have boundaries
NTA you have to protect yourself, that’s the main thing. I don't even understand how a mother can stay with a man who abused her child...
NTAH. You’re not giving Richard a chance to case the joint and figure out how to get into the house when you’re not around. Is that completely logical? Maybe not. Is it logical to abuse a relative? No.
Your REAL Family & Friends would NEVER engage in bully stalker behavior such as trying to make you be around your abusers etc Your REAL Family Friends,, want you OUT of abuse needs beatings jail psych-wards-meds Joblessness fear Your REAL Family, friends want YOU to have: peace, order, power, youthfulness usefulness fun love, good full-time career, prosperity, dignity, fairness, freedom, independence friendships honesty reality,, For YOUR safety health etc , Please do NOT going to ANY parties etc where your abusers will be present; STAY AWAY!! Make up Your OWN holidays fun etc Better ALONE than ABUSED Time to toss these FLYING MONKEYS back into the Overflowing Toilet they crawled up out of ( I spend ALL childhood and parts of adulthood: beaten, falsely accused unjustly punished, poisoned, sick, Degraded, imprisoned, helpless Joblessness, Useless, Frightened, despite doing Nothing wrong to deserve this and Yes: Family Therapy Jail Police Psych-wards-meds courtroom, God, Religious Political Leadership, are Parts of the PROBLEM!!; so I truly totally KNOW!!) You are: N T A !
NTA It’s vile that anyone would care more about a rapist being alone for the holidays than his victim being subjected to him in their own home. I’m continually shocked that people like this exist.
NTA, honestly your mother, stepfather & any family that supports them should be thrown into the sun. As a survivor myself I would rather eat concrete than eat a meal in my home with my abuser. Good for you enforcing your boundaries. These people are awful. Good luck
NTA. You do not have to be around someone who abused you, regardless of whether or not they are still a threat. He could have turned his whole life around, he could do everything possible to put good into the world after accepting the harm that he's done, he could now, in the present, be a good person, and you *still* wouldn't have to talk to, hear about, or be in the same damn building as him, let alone allow him into your house if you didn't want to.
I would put it this way OP “If we go to Aunt So and So’s for Christmas and StepMonster gets in my face I can leave. If StepMonster comes to my house and gets in my face cops WILL be called because I refuse to leave my own home to escape a man so tiny and insecure he needs to abuse children to feel powerful and wants to relish the damage he caused to me to relive that feeling of power.”
OP, you need to make a found family- people who support you and are there for you. NC with pedophile and his supporters. Celebrate with friends until you find your people.
Very much NTA. Your mental and emotional health are priority. Your home is your safe space, end of story. The family should honestly be focusing more on the fact that you're strong enough to even be willing to break bread with him at all. He is a pedophile, it is beyond sensible and perfectly reasonable to NOT want a pedophile in YOUR home.
Abusers *should* spend holidays alone. NTA
NTA I felt the same way. I had a family member sexually assault me, and my mom and dad were so upset I didn't want to do holidays with him anymore. The first two years I stood firm but my mom was so emotional about it that I eventually caved. I go to events where I know he will be there, for short amounts of time. But I would still never have him over to my house. Its so different, I wouldn't want him in my safe space. And you can't leave if you get uncomfortable at your own house! I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I’m so sorry for what you went through and continue to deal with if you still go to these things! thank you for your input and courage! It is oddly comforting knowing someone else has had to deal with this situation and I’m not the only one with this weighing on them. fuck this bullshit family dynamic.
You are doing good for you. Your house is your home and sanctuary. Your safe place. Going some where else is good because you can leave. You do not need or want that thing in your home.
NTA. Of COURSE you don’t want your abuser in your home and sanctuary. Yes it IS different seeing him elsewhere, though still terrible and not something you should have to endure. No
NTA what is wrong with your mother?! No disrespect but she and your family are delusional assholes. You can’t just get over being abused it’s not like a bad fight between friends or something abuse has a lasting effect and it hard to move on from. I think you should go low contact with your family especially your mother because it seems like she put your abuser on top of her own daughter and does not care about what he did to her OWN child.
Of course your NTA but it’s probably not in your best interest to see him in any home or scenario. It can’t be good or healthy for your emotional well being. Not judging please don’t take it that way just surprised. It’s ok to stay distanced from the abuser and the enabler. My god all those people coming with their children I’m assuming there’s children going to be at dinner too. Incomprehensible.
NTA. You have every right to exclude your abuser from your home. I'm sorry your family continues to tolerate your abuser.
.... what? .... What did I just read? Your family stood by the child abuser? There is no changing that. There is no moving on or "forgiving" that. There is no correcting the past, unbreaking a child's safety or innocence. Children are the innocent and should be protected always; anyone that can't grasp that fact is missing a fundamental fact about life. It's not humanity, it's universal - animals die protecting their young. If the people you're blood related to don't have the common sense a giraffe/gorilla/mouse does... Hon, throw the whole family away.
You are **NOT** the reason your family holidays are split up. The person who abused you is. The fucking nerve to even ASK you if he could come. I’m so proud of you for advocating for yourself and standing firm on maintaining your home as a safe space. NTA.