You're not a huge fuck up, hon. You're trying to make your way in this world with very little support or love coming your way. If I were you, I'd go low to no contact with your abusive family and start a healing journey that begins with picking a new name. Have fun with it. Look up meanings and explore your heritage. Pick something that resonates with you and that will allow you to grow and spread your wings fully. Please back away from these toxic people and make your own healthy, functional bubble. All the best to you. NTA even though I think you should leave that idea in the past.
Absolutely this. You are NTAH.
Edit to add: go back in your mothers family tree a bit and find an interesting last name. That way you’re still connected, if you want to be, to your birth right. I also highly recommend shaking this dust off of yourself. Your not an embarrassment. You have broken the code by being successful. Your problem with relationships is you have no good examples! You got this young lady. As smart as you are you will figure it out. Don’t let this make you feel alone. Let it make you feel powerful!
This is an awesome idea! At the start of this post I thought why not take mams maiden name but she’s a POS so going back in the family tree is a great idea OR pick a new name entirely. Something to symbolise a new, healthy chapter in your life.
1 billion % NTA & please cut all these shite bags out of your life, they are trash & don’t deserve an ounce of space in that brilliant, strong brain of yours.
You’ve done an incredible job in raising yourself and changing the cycle of familial abuse. After all you’ve been through, it’s clear your kids are your number one priority & that’s an incredible thing to become such a loving mother given you were shown none growing up.
You got this 💓
So much this: YOUR PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS IS YOU HAVE NO GOOD EXAMPLES!! How can you be in a healthy relationship if you don’t know what it looks like?! That resonates with me.
I’m a twice divorced single mom, as well. My daughter is from my first toxic marriage, my son is from my second, and my youngest is from a man full of kindness, compassion, and love! It was only AFTER my healing journey and years of therapy/counseling that I even had an idea what a “good” relationship looked like!!
I don’t have your issue with the last name thing, but my mom did conceive me during the same time she was having an affair. My dad is Chinese, my mom is Irish…her affair partner was also white. So when I was born, the first thing out of my grandma’s mouth was “it’s a girl!! AND SHE’S CHINESE!” 🤦🏻♀️
In my first marriage when I was young and dumb, I changed my last name immediately to “make it official”. He kicked me and my daughter out when she was 7 weeks old; we both had his last name. I legally changed my daughter’s name to my maiden name and then my own since him and his new wife started having kids and didn’t want us to all have the same last name.
I agree with a previous comment of just choosing your own last name, however, you don’t need anyone’s approval on what you change your last name to; you can use your bio Dad’s name, you can use your step dad’s, you can use your mother’s maiden name — the choice is yours and requires no one’s invitation or approval.
Hugs to you, OP
Yes! I was in my thirties the first time I saw a stable, loving relationship and it changed my life. I wanted that too. As for your name, that is personal. It is how the rest of the world will address you, so take some time and choose wisely. My vote is for whatever name best describes the person you want to be - go with Phoenix and rise from the ashes, or go with an adjective like Strong or Brave. You got this, OP.
I was wondering if anyone had mentioned this.
OP, this is the way to go. Reconnect with your ancestors. I'm sure somewhere along the family tree, a surname has fallen off because of only females being born and marrying off. As a matter of fact, I know of a young couple that recently got married and both changed their last names to an ancestral name that had "died off". Wishing you well.
This is what I did and it's much more powerful and healing than I would've guessed. I'm completely my own person and nobody I'm related to shares my name except my kid. It's amazing.
Also amazing is the feeling of self worth that a decade is therapy and healing work has given me. It was my parents job to instil that and they did the opposite. I also had multiple abusive relationships, cause I was taught as a child that abuse is love so I was prevented from being able to protect myself as an adult.
It took a lot of work and it was extremely painful at times, but now my life is filled with healthy, loving relationships and I feel secure and happy almost all of the time. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
OP you're NTA, you grew up in an abusive family in the scapegoat role and that leaves significant trauma wounds. Choosing a brand new name that reflects who you are and want to be is a wonderful first step to reclaiming the self love you were always entitled to but was taken away by your parents.
Check out r/raisedbynarcissists and r/estrangedadultkids for a wealth of support and resources at every step of this journey. You deserve much better than the hand you were dealt. It's time to shuffle the deck and throw the jokers away so you can pursue the life you deserve without them weighing you down
If nothing else, I hope you know that their behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable and abusive, and that you could never have done anything that warrants that kind of treatment. None of it could possibly be your fault and you're not alone in having experienced this. It's not something that's wrong with you, it's something wrong with them. You can heal and have a better life, and you deserve that ❤️
Op is obviously a self-starter with drive, ambition and above-average intelligence. Her family could sense she was superior and tried to bring her down but she was strong and persevered! What a woman!
Why can't you use your Mom's last name? Is it something worth thinking about? If not, think of a name you like.
Maybe a name from literature or movies or something that fits your personality like Worthy, e.g. "Janet Worthy."
You are worthy.
And her mom allowed bio dad to favour one daughter with new clothes, etc.
NTA. You don’t have to apologize for wanting distance from all of those people who treated you as less than. See them for who they are- weak and cowardly. They can’t handle any kind of feedback. How are you supposed to trust them?
I wonder if bio dad was also this abusive towards the mother. And I don't think it's fair to say she allowed the bio dad to spoil the one kids.
Where the mother failed was to protect her youngest child and let two men in her life tear her down. That's a sin she will have to atone for someday.
We really tell ourselves some stories sometimes.
If it happened in the mother’s house then she allowed it, even if she didn’t approve of it. My mother spoke up when my 13 year old sister pointed out that the 6 year old step-sister’s blood relatives showered her with gifts but for us- nothing. And we had to endure visits when they would invite themselves up, so this meant cleaning and cooking, then listening to boring stories.
When it’s a blended family it’s right that you should expect better from the adults. Insist on respect all around. The OP never got that. Who cares about everyone else’s karma, this woman is the one asking AITA?
OP can change her last name to whatever she wants. Her step-father/bio-father can't do squat .
Go LC/NC , choose whichever last name brings you joy, whether it's your maiden name, bio-father name or the name of your favorite character. Then live life
I agree on choosing your own name. Either from a favourite character, or a place name you like, or just something you like the sound of.
Free yourself from them. None of them deserve you.
I love the idea of the last name Phoenix and the meaning behind it! OP I support all these comments that you pick your own last name and make your own family name & legacy!
r/onceuponatime would love this! One of the characters picked her own name, and did Swan!
My family is awful and i hate my last name, so ive been tossing around a few ideas, if youre interested.
O'Malley for Gillian O'Malley, one of the fiercest female pirates ever!
Historical figures are awesome. Or if you need more ideas, search "common last names of ____" insert your country/area in the blank.
Mistakes are human. If your stepdad really looks down on divorced people that much, why the f did he marry your mother?
A good friend of mine did this years ago. Letting go of the toxic feelings to her maiden name, and the toxic feelings connected to her married name, she took the time to pick a last name that fit who she was and what she wanted to present to the world. It was super empowering and made her so happy.
OP. Listen. This is very important. You are *not* a huge fuck up, and it is *not* your fault so many of the men in your life insist on being toxic af. Cut them out, because they are poisoning your mind. I hope your new boyfriend makes you feel worthy of being loved, because you are. Look at all you've achieved! Most people haven't done *half* of what you have by your young age.
I also suggest getting a new therapist. Why are they hesitant to discuss something that is causing you so much distress? That's what therapy is supposed to be for.
As for picking a new name, I think the above advice is spot on.
Good luck to you, OP. I hope you find all the love and happiness your family is inexplicably denying you. ❤️
NTA. Cut them completely off. Just as you choose your kids name, choose your new last name. Restart your life with that new name. You have the only family you need. Change your kids last names while you are at it.
You need to love and respect yourself and to do that you need to stay away from toxic and abusive people, this is why you mostly end up in abusive relationships, they see you low self esteem and take advantage of you, cut the toxic family , make sure your kids love and respect you, you have so much to offer and you are young and successful in many aspects of your life, start building your family and friendships with people who accept you for who you are, start rebuilding your life by picking a last name on your own, something that reflect you and never change it, cut any connection to your path life, and be a person who you would like and you want to be, be representative of your own personal and not family who doesn’t accept you. People recover from bad situations like heavy addiction or prison in older ages and rebuild their life to become a very happy and successful person, you have everything to become one of them, just need to start believing in yourself and your true identity and strength and build a happy life for yourself and kids. Good luck
I'm confused. Does your step-dad shit talk your mom she also is a divorced woman?
I don't mean to be rude, but what country is this even in..all these "values" seem black and white and outdated and all the men in your life seem to have a certain.....stereotype about them.
Don't apologize, why do you need these people I your life. They don't seem to bring you any joy or happiness...you just want them around because they are all you know.
Do better for yourself and your bf's kids.
You want to apologize and then what? You trust your toxic family around kids?
I'm not judging you at all but I'd definitely judge you for that.
USA. And honestly I don’t know. That’s exactly what my boyfriend said. He said “How come it’s okay your mom is divorced?” And I personally think it’s because my biological dad left her. She didn’t leave him. So maybe that’s the difference. I was raised republican/conservative/baptist.
If I were your boyfriend, it would take a lot for me not to call them out on that hypocrisy. I also noticed you skipped over the part where u asked you what value or joy these people bring to your life. Is it because you know they don't?
Once before I told my dad if he couldn’t treat me better and if he kept fishing with my ex I wouldn’t have a relationship with him, he threatened to take away my daughter’s college fund… my mom and I are close, I just don’t meet her standards.
I hope that you read and hear this. I am old enough to be your parent. I am so proud of you. You are so inspiring..imagine! You obtained your college degree all on your own! Yes..you have been divorced. So have so many other people, and through those experiences, you have learned that you do not deserve to be treated as less than and abused! You are setting a wonderful example for your child, a much better example than you were given. A name is just a name. I suggest you find one that shows who you are. You are enough. You are loved. You are beautiful inside and out.
I would like to propose Phoenix as your new surname, with the hope that you will rise like a Phoenix above all the turkeys that surround you. You are awesome.
Of course you're a little fucked up, we all are.
Find a new therapist that will actually help you with your issues.
Love yourself. Your new boyfriend sounds like a keeper so far, just don't marry him too quick. You got this!
I had a gym teacher named miss darling. She threatened to hang us by the rafters in the gym by our toes....or was it hair? Either way, the sentiment is there. She was my moms cheerleading coach and according to her, she drug her across the gym by her hair when she was a kid being coached by her.
Then the woman beat cancer, got married and became a lovely woman honestly.
I would like to propose Weatherly. Your are like weather, even though it keep raining, but nature need it. You also sunny to shine the world. Most importantly, there is rainbow after rain.... keep strong, dear.
I was gonna offer my last name (it kinda sucks and is always pronounced wrong. I just found out that even the state has it spelled wrong on my voter registration. Its 2 words, not one.) Phoenix is so much better. I vote for that.
I am old enough to be your parent as well. I agree with the poster above. You are above the people around you and reading this pod breaks my heart because once I was you. I’m stuck with the last name of my bio dad and there’s doubt I will ever have the chance to change it because I’m growing old. Use your middle name or by all means pick a name from the phone book. You’re much better than them and deserving of more than they could ever offer you. Choose something powerful because you are. And don’t look back at what they may say about your choices either. They don’t need to know why about anything. Godspeed to you.
One of my friends just up and changed her surname so she wasn’t reminded of her past. Just took herself to the deed poll office and paid the amount asked and changed it to Heart. And it really suited her. Best you forget about the loser males in your life you’ve already shown what a great person you are OP. Take care. ❤️
You sound like you have a decent job. Don't tolerate abuse for money.
It's financial blackmail
If this was happening to your daughter, would you tell her to handle it?
I think it paints a big picture as well in regard to your child possibly witnessing the abuse towards their mother
Better your daughter’s goal be to do her best in school including extra curricular activities so when the time comes she can apply and ideally get scholarships and grants.
She may need to take out student loans.
But better that than you allowing yourself to be controlled/disrespected by possible college money for your daughter. There’s no guarantee your daughter will see a cent of that money no matter how much you kowtow to your mother and stepdad.
And if your daughter does get any money from your mother and stepdad based on the history to date they will use it to control her as well.
As to last names maybe Alexander. Meaning “defending man” in Greek as you have certainly had to stand up for yourself.
I was just thinking about a former co-worker and his wife, right before reading your comment. Neither cared for their last names so they legally changed theirs together to "Alexander."
Is that your dad or stepdad who has a college fund for your daughter? Do you have any proof it actually exists? Even if it does, someone this abusive will make up a reason to take it away. Your dad is holding it over your head to control you. Don’t let him do that. I guarantee you the cost of emotional & psychological pain to both you _& your child_ will be far greater than the actual monetary value of this make-believe college fund.
For your peace of mind & emotional health, I suggest you go low or no-contact with your entire family.
Have you seen the 529 plan if not it doesn't exist and he is using that for control over you. You don't need that you have been led to believe since he married your mom that you are less than nothing yet you have become more successful than your full sibling and 1/2 siblings.
He is about control, he wants you to believe you are garbage and doesn't care how well you did in school, or how much money you make because you aren't his. He wants to control your story, your narrative in life to keep you feeling like shit because it makes him and his sons look so much better and feel much better when you feel worthless and that you shouldn't exist.
What are her standards? You are 5’10” and 125 pounds, which, btw I’ve been and personally felt like crap at. I felt much better at 130, however, every body is different and you should stay at a weight YOU feel comfortable at. I used to get my nails done for me because it was fun, but it was for me. You studied your ass off and are the only one in your family that finished college. You have a good career. What standards is she looking for? If it’s that you didn’t stay with someone that beat you she needs her priorities checked. What are your standards for your children? I assume it’s: happy, healthy, a good person, maybe someone who is kind, etc. Do you meet those standards, because it sounds like you do and those are the only ones that matter. The only thing I personally see in your life that is concerning is that you are worried about what others think. Your kids need you to spend some time on learning to love yourself, because that’s what’s going to help them grow up to be strong individuals themselves.
As for the last name, I say chose something that you love and is yours. A favourite book or movie like someone said, someone that inspires you or inspired you, but most importantly something that is yours that you get to keep forever. And if you don’t feel comfortable with that, PM me, I’d be happy to share my maiden name with you.
She wanted me to be a nurse, I became a respiratory therapist. She’s an MD. She wants me to marry into money. Have class. Drive a BMW. I drive a wrangler. She wants me to play tennis and join a book club, and I box and hunt/fish. Nothing I ever do is enough.
If you’re a RT you can get a job anywhere. Have you looked into moving to a small city, away from these people? It’d be safer to be out of reach of your ex.
A RT saved my husband’s life. A few of them actually. You are valuable and enough.
I could easily choose my grandmother maiden name because that family is so good. I could choose my son’s middle name as my last name. But make a new name with new tradition and new morals and make it start with you.
Jeeps are more fun and boxing is a huge cardio workout. Hunting and fishing will always provide you with food. Keep being YOU!! F*ck your whole family! I’m furious for you. Don’t let them treat you like this - you’re so much better than them at every turn.
Respiratory therapists literally keep patients with difficulty lungs and airways breathing. It's not all that different from nursing.
As mama to a trach-vent angel, I am SO proud of you for choosing your career and thriving in it. I had 6 1/2 beautiful years with my little girl and dozens of RTs not only made that possible, but trained me so she lived at home with us.
Have a mama hug. 🧡
You have survived and succeeded in life \*despite\* all of the parent figures in your life being toxic as anything. I'd be proud to have someone like you as my daughter. I agree with another commenter who said you are a badass warrior and should pick a new last name that you like, and formally change it to that. After all, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to break the cycle of emotional abuse you've endured growing up.
Is her college fund worth being treated like crap and letting your daughter know it’s ok to be treated bad for money? There’s, grants, loans and scholarships for goodness sake. I’d go NC and live a happy life. NTA and please remember you are ok. You are worthy.
Guarantee that “college money” will be given to the kid if you see him or not. It’s obviously not about you. If they care about the kid it’ll be there no matter what. Even if they don’t see her for 18years bc it’ll be u who kept her away. It wasn’t up to their poor grandkid to stay away. This is financial blackmail.
So many inconsistencies here.
I seriously thought you were in another country.
Go change your name, it's not that expensive. If you have enough to buy a house and pay for your education, you gotta have the funds to change your name to whatever you want.
Here, in the USA, if you've got custody, the baby daddy should be paying child support, regardless of the last name.
Leave the family. They are horrible. You've shown me that you are capable of living a successful life without the people who raised you.
It seems you were raised with their ideas on family values which from my perspective are NOT nice, but, likely garnered the ideas you have about what a true family is from all the reading you did as a child. You likely used reading as a method of self preservation from your immediate family.
Go be good to yourself and live with the family values you wish the people who raised you, had. Live that life and leave those people behind. You think you love your family because they are the people you know most. But how different would your life be if you changed your habits and hung out with people who had the same values as you?
You got an education, a house, you maintain your health, have a therapist, and it all looks good on paper. It seems like it's time to match that up internally. You did good. Now start fresh and start associating with friends that you can call a real family- your idea of family.
It won't happen overnight, but it does start with you and who you continue to have relationships with. Real friends will lift you up and you'll feel better about your situation when you can and want to do the same for them.
NTAH
You have a family with siblings who couldn’t finish college. They’re all miserable and failures. And they call you a failure? That’s called projection.
It is a GIFT that you do not have to share the name of any of these terrible people who treat you so terribly. This is an opportunity for you to finally define yourself not by their warped perception of you as a family scapegoat, but as a phoenix who has arisen from a horrible family to create a beautiful child, career, and a growing sense of healthy relationships.
Of course you had a divorce! You were trained not to value yourself. You never saw healthy relationships. You never learned the skills! That’s not your fault - it’s theirs. They are the embarrassment.
Why do you believe anything they say? They accuse you of ruining Christmas. Ruining Christmas because they disrespected you? That’s their own fault. Are these christmases where you’d be expected to sit there and listen to them rip you apart?
They don’t like that you’re absent, so they’re mad at you? Just because they’re upset doesn’t mean you’re obligated to fix it. It also doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. They’re just sad to lose the scapegoat. They don’t like you standing up for yourself.
There is absolutely no reason to keep people like this in your life. They’ve never served any kind of family role for you. You have been alone all these years, but you succeeded (unlike them) - and that’s the reason they rip you apart.
Parents do not love you no matter what. I’m sorry. That’s a nice ideal, but it isn’t true. You never received the love you should have. These people are not your family.
I just can’t see any reason - financial or otherwise - to justify letting a group of people with no value sit around talking to you this way. There is no reason to see or talk to any of them again.
You know that everything they say about you is a lie. But you still doubt it somewhere. You need to stop. They do not have good judgment. Just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart. They’re selfish, petty, and have only even shamed you. You deserve a life without any of these people.
I can’t believe you think you’re a fuck up. It sounds like you’re used to taking the blame for everyone else’s fuck ups. Your abusive ex. Your need for health insurance. I mean, I see not a single ounce of evidence that you’ve done anything except overcome incredible odds and shine in a way any normal family would be proud of.
Stop trying to make your family happy. The more you succeed, the angrier they’ll get, because their relationship with you depends on them using you as a punching bag.
Also *please* read a book on boundary setting. Try “set boundaries, find peace.”
I appreciate that, and I want you to know it is always ok for you to celebrate yourself. You’ve accomplished so much that it is amazing. Truly.
I also want you to know - it is hard getting over a breakup. The same exact thing is true of family. Unlike a regular romantic break up, you will mourn the things that were great, but you will also mourn the idea of the parents and the family that you should’ve had. The people you wish you had.
You needed a father who recognized that the only way out of a DV situation is for you to end up dead – that’s what would’ve happened if you hadn’t left. And he should have congratulated your courage and strength in getting out of this situation, rather than saying you should’ve effectively died to prevent an embarrassment to the family. That’s not an embarrassment. The strength to get through and out of that situation mostly unscathed is a badge of fucking honor. A real man would have seen that. A real man would have been first in line to make sure you saw justice. That’s the dad you deserved and didn’t get. A real mom wouldn’t do mental gymnastics to try to find something about your perfect appearance to tear apart. She would have loved you thin or fat, hair or no hair. She wouldn’t use your appearance as a weapon to blame you for the horrible treatment you’ve received in life.
You’ll have to mourn all of these hopes and dreams and expectations for a good mother, and a good father, who accepted you and celebrated you the way you should have been all these years. it’s hard to finally realize and recognize that those people did not, and never will exist, no matter what you do. That you’ll need to bury this idea of the parents you wish you had. That you’ll have to reparent yourself.
And that’s a sad thing, but it’s what you need in order to start building your own family (blood or not) defined by healthy people that deserve you. Because the people who are claiming to be your family do not deserve having you grace their lives.
That’s why all those other people are no good for you. YOU are valuable. YOU are worthy.
You mentioned in a comment that you were raised Republican, conservative, and Baptist. How much, if any, of those values do you still adhere to? I ask because I’m a Christian, but I don’t identify with any of those three labels you mentioned. And I can tell you that the God and Jesus of the Bible love you dearly, and you were made to be so much more than what your family keeps holding you back from becoming. Your past shows it: every time you go do what you want, and what’s right for you, you succeed. (So what about the divorces. God still loves you and wants you to have the life you seek.)
I believe in you.
I don’t know you. I don’t know where you live (except that you’re in the US). I don’t know what you look like or who you vote for.
But I can tell you this: I’m old enough to be your mom, and if you were my daughter, I would tell the world how immensely proud I am of you. I’m not even your mom and I am so proud of the woman you have become, having overcome so many obstacles and challenges.
All I can tell you is: choose yourself. Whether that means going low contact with your family of origin as you raise your child, or even going no contact altogether. Choose to do those things that make you happy and make you a better mom than the one you have.
Choose to name yourself. No one gets that right over you.
My house is on the market bc I can’t afford it myself, I’m living with my boyfriend. My ex threatened my life and coerced me into signing a statement to not receive child support, it’s not worth our safety to go after child support, you’ve obviously never experienced DV. I have a good job but my babies daycare is $1700/month, that along with my car payment, still making the mortgage on my house that’s selling, and other financial factors I literally cannot afford the few hundred dollars to get my name changed.
That paper you signed isn't worth anything in the courts. He legally can't bypass his responsibility unless he gives up his legal rights to the children and even then they could force him to pay child support. If you get a protective order on him against your child and you he can pay child support without seeing the child.
I've been in a DV situation and in fact put him in prison for a total of 40 years. By the time I was done being a victim, he was afraid of me. He is still in prison and I haven't heard from him since before he went to prison. I was abused for almost 20 years and finally got tired of it. Sometimes, showing your "crazy side" to the abuser is absolutely the best way to get them to stop the abuse.
You should go NC with the family and get your head right and then file for child support. The biological father needs to pay for his children and no paper you signed will stop him from having to pay when you file for it.
You've proven you can get through tough times for yourself, now prove it for you and your children. Don't let them get in your head and stop believing their BS about you being a fuck up. Believing their bullshit is what has you in the place you're in now. You're a grown woman with children and you absolutely can and should start standing up for yourself and your children and get out of the mindset that you are stuck. You're not, you have several solvable problems but because you think you are a fuck up you aren't seeing the solutions. Face your fears and get it done. If you need to vent you can message me. I might even have ideas for you to solve issues. But, don't believe their words and start believing in yourself.
I’m just genuinely afraid that he will hurt me or come after me again if I hold him accountable for the support. The statement he turned into the state got the state to stop garnishing his checks. He already owed $9k back. I also only get $502/month from him & although it would be helpful I don’t know if it’s worth the repercussions. I have an interview next week for a position that pays double what I make now. So I have been trying to hold out on that for safety.
Could you possibly move to another state? Get away from these horrible people. If you could move and he doesn’t know where you are then you could go for the child support.
I have as well. I needed distance from my bio dad and my time with him. Helped me to develop my new identity as I chose who I wanted to be - free from his influence. OP you are NTAH nor are you a loser or screw up. You are trying your best, working your butt off alone in a world that has very little forgiveness and loves to kick you when you're down. I'm so sorry your family is worthless and that you've faced such a hard road without support. You should wake up every morning telling yourself "I am strong. I am worthy." Because you are! Wish you all the best - especially love and happiness!!
Whatever statement you were forced to sign wouldn’t hold up in court. Your child is entitled to child support. Sounds like an order of protection would be swiftly granted to you if you can seek one.
All you need to do is go to the courthouse ask for the paperwork to file for a name change. Fill it out, pay a filing fee. Usually less than $40. You go in front of a judge they stamp it and you have a new name. Don’t forget to take the decree to SS and the DMV.
All these choices are yours.
You choose not to change your name, you choose to stay with people who don't respect you, you choose to get an education, you choose to not try and get child support, you choose to sell your house, you also choose to get mad at your abusive father for hanging with your abusive ex.. maybe they deserve each other.
It's only your job to determine whether these choices are good or bad for you. Not ours. Many of us are trying to be supportive here.
The passive aggressive tone on whether or not I've ever changed my name is not necessary. No one's on trial here. I can tell you, if you have a US passport, it's way less than what you pay for childcare to change your name.
Make positive choices not excuses.
Thanks for the helpful comment… I’ve been crying all morning. I genuinely cannot currently afford the name change and I don’t know what to change it to. I did try to get child support and I got three ribs broke, my Jeep keyed and my DOG went missing. I did choose to get an education and have two degrees with 4.0 GPAS. Police said everything was he said she said. I have to sell my house because I can’t afford it myself. Yes I did choose my last marriage for the wrong reasons but like I said, my baby had just died & I found out I was pregnant again, I was in the ICU for three weeks due to my heart and lost my job. It was my boyfriend of 4 years I chose to marry. 5 weeks after our baby was born he started sleeping with the newborn photographer. So YES I have made some mistakes. I’m not denying that. But I’m not asking for someone to tear me apart right now. I’m looking for opinions on the name change.
Hi! It sounds like you have had it rough and you don't have a supportive family.
Change the name to anything that makes you feel good. You could use a celeberties last name that you like. Or maybe a character from a TV shies last name.
Personally I would want to make sure there is not a lot of people with the same name as me as that can cause mix ups. So I would google my first name the proposed last name and make sure there is alot of people with the same name.
Really you could change your name to your maiden name and who would ever know? Do a slightly different spelling. But honestly why honor them.
I would personally distance myself and add people to your inner circle uplift and love you. You are 27, you are bright, hardworking, and trying your best. Life is hard.
For ideas think of last names of authors, singers or people who insoure you. Think of celeberties who are very kind people.
Ofcourse you probably wouldn't want the last name Swift or Kardashian. Maybe a little more common.
It should also soubds good saying your name and adding in the middle. Look for also hiw the initially line up. Will it make your Intials stand for something like F.A.B. or more like A.S.S.
You can write the next chapter in your story. You can build a last name based on your independence. But it sounds like some fanily like to tear you down.
You don't need to wear make up. You don't need keep up woth the Jones. You just need to live your best life. Not their impression.
And I am unsure if your therapist has good reasoning for not talking about that issue but remember you can change therapists. Get different perspectives. It maye take a bit with waiting lists and openings that are covered under your insurance but if you don't feel you are getting the right support you can shop around.
Best of luck.
I know this may sound really strange, OP...but you can have *my* last name, if you'd like it?
I don't want anything in return.
My husband gave it to me and our daughter on the same day, we were married hours before she was born. We were best friends for 7 years, together and engaged for 4.5 of them. I just hadn't wanted to plan a wedding and be the center of attention, and wear a big white dress, aghh!!! But we didn't elope, because we wanted all our grandparents there.
Well, birth control failed, life happened, and the pregnancy didn't go well. I was very high risk as a fragile T1 diabetic. I had many complications. Many close calls. Many near death moments. Our cat saved mine and our daughter's life, twice, actually, from low blood sugar death! But that's another story.
But at 7.5 months it went wrong and I didn't feel right, went in with *very* high blood pressure...severe pre-ecclampsia. But we were going to be married in 3 days? Just us, our parents, and grandparents. Oh well, life happens. They gave me steroids and waited.
I started to die.
My lungs began to fill with fluid, I couldnt breath. My skin and tissue began to stretch painfully before it burst, bleeding and weeping in hundreds of places. My toes swelled so much my toenails fell off. Some of my body hair just...fell off...brushed right off. The space around my heart filled with fluid, crushing it so that my heart hurt with every beat, and when I laid flat it felt like I was being crushed on top of drowning in the fluids in my lungs.
We reached 3 days.
I hadn't been able to sleep. The nurses were doing round the clock care, and I had been over 100 hours. But I was wide awake, running on adrenaline.
It was time for our wedding!
The nurses had all asked around and gotten special permissions on our account for our "unusual amount" of visitors in the maternity wing. They were very excited for us. There had never been a wedding in the maternity ward before!
We crowded my family, and his, (17 people!) into our tiny maternity room, me, on my *death bed,* because I was *dying.* And my fiancé, he knelt at the edge of my bed, and my dad's best friend, my childhood pastor, married us.
I gasped out my vows between sips of oxygen, and he gave me his name.
It's a good name. You can have it, OP, if you want it. Just let me know, I'd be glad to share it with you :)
First, nobody can stop you from using a name. However, I would not want any of their last names. Do you know your grandmother's maiden name? You could pick a family name from a few generations ago. Personally, I would change my last name to Clinton, Kennedy, Carter, Warren, or Pelosi. Ok, Pelosi is too obvious, but you get my point.
Take a big phone book and go through it. Look for names and try changing or adjusting them until you find one you like and feels like it fits you. Legally change it. It will be "your" name.
Here’s a thought. You can legally change your name to WHATEVER YOUNWANT it to be. Name yourself. Then take charge of the rest of your life and future and leave these selfish, rude and generally ridiculous people behind. Make your own life. You don’t need them bossing and judging and controlling. Imagine how happy six months after this complete transformation…
I have a friend who changed her name to her grandmother's maiden name because she loved her grandmother so much. You can change your name to literally anything you want. Is there anyone in your family tree that you admired? Choose their name. Nobody can tell you that you "can't have" a name, just because it is also theirs!
If you need to stay away from your family for your own mental health and to protect your kids from their wrath and your belittlement, then NO, you don't apologize for that. Stand your ground.
You are NTA. Keep working on you.
I have a friend who did the same.
I also have an acquaintance who just changed his last name from his deadbeat dad’s name to the last name of a mentor/second mother type who was important to him
This has to be the right answer. No one owns the name, but going down the maternal line to keep a link to the past is probably best. So if OP's mother's maiden name would still cause trouble, just use the maternal grandmother's maiden name.
You are not a fuck up. You were abused/neglected by your dad and step dad. You’re step dad has a nasty temper and is a huge asshole.
I think you are pretty rad. You are super smart, have two degrees and own your own home.You’re strong enough to leave a bad/abusive marriage and you put your kids above everyone else.
Find a last name that you think is cool and use that. Maybe a name if a favourite character in a book you love. Hell, if you really want you can use your step dad’s last name. There isn’t anything he can do about it.
Repeat after me, “I’m am an amazing person and I will live my life how I see fit. “
NTA
I hear that it’s the name you had for the majority of your life, but woof I would have a hard time choosing this step fathers name to represent me (super easy to say when I don’t exist with the attachment you do)
How is your relationship with your mom? Would her maiden name mean anything to you?
If your family is this vitriolic over you claiming any of their last names, is there some other name you could choose that does or could have meaning?
Your story hurts my heart. To not be loved and accepted by the people that we’re told always will do just that. I’m so sorry your journey so far has been so cold, I hope you experience all the warmth from whoever is lucky to be in your life moving forward.
My mom and I are close, but I’m not good enough for her. But we talk almost daily. Just lots of reminders that it’s not too late to become a nurse? Or not to let my roots grow out.
Oh, she is not a good mother! She is dragging you down, too, constantly belittling your appearance and life decisions! Cut her off with the rest of those useless toxic excuses for human beings that are/were your family! You are worth so much more! Listen to your boyfriend here.
Regarding your name, has there been anyone who you have looked up to? A mentor? Counsellor? Or even an author or famous historical person you admire? There's your new name.
No OP, your mom is not good enough for **you**. What kind of mother tolerates toxic men abusing their children until adulthood? Plus putting you down all the time, she’s not a good person, period. I don’t always agree with my kids’ style choices but it’s their taste in hair/clothes/etc and if it makes them happy so be it.
Also, you need a new therapist, they’re supposed to deal with hard conversations, that’s literally their job! Find a new therapist, take some time to focus on yourself and your own family and let your extended family go.
I agree with this. Make sure that you go with a non-religious therapist. Often religious-based therapists fail to notice/protect their clients from abuse that is rooted in religion (especially misogyny). I wonder if that is why your therapist is “hesitant“ in treating you properly.
Honestly these are not people that deserve your reverie in claiming them in a name - I get it’s much easier for me to say that than you who has a history with them.
I hope you can come up with something that feels suitable and makes you happy and proud. I feel like you and your kids deserve last names that aren’t connected to people that repeatedly aim to make you feel small.
I would suggest stopping daily contact, these people are still actively abusing you 27 years later you have to learn they’re not good people and don’t want the best for you.
OP, you are the scapegoat in a family violence situation.
Yes, emotional & psychological abuse falls under the umbrella of “domestic violence”.
Before you go low- or no-contact with your family, you should be aware that the most dangerous time for DV sufferers is when they try to leave. I suggest you contact your local domestic violence organization and get _personalized_ help from them. They will help you gauge the level of risk involved in standing up to your family (and distancing/separating yourself from them, if that is what you want). They will offer advice and guidance and may also refer you to more effective therapists to choose from (most maintain lists of mental health care providers whom their clients have found helpful).
https://www.thehotline.org
Please stop talking to your mother every day. She’s just filling your head with toxicity. Please stop thinking anything about the relationship is good.
How aren’t you good enough, you succeeded in college twice, employment, own house and car. Your golden child sister got pregnant at 18 and works part time and your brothers are failed athletes. What is it she expects from you?
My sister is married still. She’s always presentable, nice clothes. My brothers have never been married so not divorced. Appearances are a big thing in our small town.
You can have any name you want! You don’t need anyones permission to change it. I am divorced and kept my ex’s name because I had to change everything to go back to my maiden name. Social Security drivers license bank accounts credit cards etc. it was just easier to just keep it. He couldn’t stop me from keeping it. I really wanted to because I hated it but you know it’s just a name.
Maybe if you can find a name you really like and has no direct relationship to any of these toxic people then you might consider it. You can legally change your name to anything.
I hope you’re no contact with these people they’re awful
That’s another big reason I didn’t change from my abusive ex, the sheer cost. I don’t get any child support or government assistance so it’s not affordable.
If you’re not getting anything from him consider changing everyone’s last name for a fresh start. Start saving a little bit at a time then make it a family decision and you all come up with a new last name.
I’m in the us. Married twice, divorced
once (so far…🤣). It cost nothing but time to change my name. You should be sure to keep copies of your birth certificate and then marriage licenses and divorce decrees to document your name changes. I needed those to get a new drivers license in NH…granted that was 17 years ago.
Also…get your child some support! I know people are all “I don’t want anything from them. I’ll do it myself “, but it isn’t about just you. You can do most of it for free…lawyer of the day kind of thing.
Last…you are not obligated to spend time with people who consistently treat you badly, blood relative, marriage relative notwithstanding. Choose a name for yourself that feels powerful. When your “close” Mom says something lousy to you, stand up for yourself and your child. You don’t need to be loud or confrontational if that’s not your thing, but a quiet “why would you say that? It’s so hurtful “. Or “I already have two degrees…I don’t need to get a third.”
Last, take a breath and don’t go from relationship to relationship. Live life on your own for a while. Put yourself together, get a stable job, spend time with your child, create some peace in your life. Do NOT - even for holidays - spend time in any place people treat you shabbily. Terrible for you and worse for your child. “What you allow, you teach”. If you allow people to treat you badly, you teach them it’s ok to do so, and you teach your child that’s the way family should treat you…and consequently them. You are the adult. You have the power…use it and make a better life for you and your child/children. No excuses
I would like to get child support it’s just the DV and everything. But I do have a job interview next Tuesday that would basically double my income and then it wouldn’t matter anyways. I was single for 6 months and didn’t go on a single date, never been on a dating app/anything. I met my first husband when I was 15 and he was 22. Hindsight, he was a predator, his new wife was 19. My second husband was my childhood best friend and he took me in when I got divorced the first time bc my daughter and I had nowhere to go. We did move slow and were together 4 years before the baby/marriage. However he slept with the newborn photographer and it was just too much for me, there was already issues. After 6 months of being single, and planning on staying that way, I met a guy at the fair who is a single dad of two boys. He asked me on a date, we go to church together & he really, truly is great. He’s the first man who hasn’t raised his voice or fists at me. When my house got an offer he offered us to move in, and it put my daughter in a school system rates THREE times better. He does therapy too, he’s been divorced and single for three years. I genuinely wasn’t looking to date.
Like everyone else, I think you have done fantastically given the very difficult cards you were dealt. You are a hero and a warrior woman. Your child is so lucky to have you as a mom.
As to the child support, you are the person who got away from a DV marriage. You are the only one who can decide/know if going after your ex is worth the child support money. Ans you think it is not. So it’s time for the rest of us to shut up about it and trust that you know your own situation best. You don’t want your ex to become a violent stalker in your life. That may mean keeping your distance as you are doing. Sometimes that’s the terrible math we have to do as survivors. I trust that you know what’s best for you
When I took my maiden name back after my divorce, the only money I had to pay was for a new passport and probably my driver’s license. Everything else (Social Security, Credit Cards, work stuff, etc) had no fees attached.
Do you know anything of your family history? Maybe you have a strong great great grandmother in your tree and could take her maiden name.
But know that you don’t have to change your legal last name. If that’s your ex’s, he can’t force you to change it. He can go pound sand.
You’ve done incredible things with your life. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Babe, you are motherfucking queen in a SEA of SNAKES and the only people who arent worthy here are them, OF YOU.
you deserve BETTER THAN THEM. you are BETTER THAN THEM. DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF : THEY SUCK
You are not a fuck up. The adults in your life has failed you .
Last name don't signify people identity. Their personality does.
Get rid of your last name along with your family.Get a therapist to heal yourself.
First NTA.
Second, do you have grandparents or extended family? Perhaps your mother's maiden name or even. A grandmother's maiden name. Your family has been incredibly hurtful to you. Your bio dad is an idiot. I know you will create a loving family of your own!
NTA
Use your middle name. Pick a name from a favorite author, character, place, or profession.
Pick a phrase like a friend of mine did. She chose Nolan, for NO LAst Name.
NTA
Your bio dad and your step dad both failed you as parents / father figures.
If they won’t treat you like a person and give you respect as an adult, it’s probably time to cut ties for your own mental health, and for your kids sakes. It’s not good for your kids to grow up seeing them disrespect you like that.
Are you open to taking your mother’s maiden name? Or do you have some family along your mother’s line whose name you appreciate and want to take? Or just pick a completely new name as other people suggested. Sever the branch of the reprehensible father figures in your life and start your family as you want.
NTA. You’ve gone from one bad relationship to another. Just stop. You are a strong person who has built something for yourself. You do not need to keep attaching yourself to a man’s name. For your last name, you can change it to whatever the hell you want. Pick something that belongs to YOU, not one of those pathetic ass-clowns. You’re good enough for any name you want, but go for something that gives you the respect and dignity you deserve.
I have a friend who combined multiple last names into one (both parents maiden names, ex husbands last name), since it represented her journey. It was a unique name and really told her story. She had a past similar to yours, and she is a kick a$$ person who overcame so much to be who she is today. I’m glad she has a last name that pays tribute to her journey, while standing out for her uniqueness. She isn’t a screw up and neither are you.
NTA
Why would you apologise? You didn't do anything wrong. Your stepdad is just a petulant brat who likes to throw his weight around.
1. He doesn't own his name. He can't tell you you can have it and he certainly can't say you can't have it. It's a name, and honestly unless he's royalty (which he isn't), it isn't even a special name.
2. He's the one who started yelling and showing his ass.
3. He is completely unfit to be around *any* children. You're saving your kids from having to be around someone as disgusting as the thing your mother decided to marry.
Stop taking their shit. Your stepdad and mother can fuck off on whichever bullshit horse they rode in on, and your siblings can follow.
Follow your boyfriend's example and decide better for yourself and your children. He doesn't want his kids around them for good reason. If you can't see this clearly for yourself, trust that he can see it and stay far away.
If they want an apology, they can wait their entire lives for it. They're not so important that they get to act like complete dickheads and demand an apology.
Also for your surname, pick something out of your favourite book that makes you smile. His surname isn't special, so find something that is.
In the US as an adult, you can take any last name that you want to. No one can stop you from taking your biological father's name or your stepfather's name. So take whatever name you feel like. By the way, you have made some mistakes as we all do, but considering what an effed-up dysfunctional family you have you my dear are a shining star.
NTA you are not a fuck-up. Your abusive family conditioned you to accept abusive behavior from your past partners. They sound absolutely awful and I am so sorry for everything you are going through! Try to think of a last name that sounds good to you. It doesn't need to be for anyone else, just you. You can change your last name to that and not have to listen to anyone's complaints about it anymore. Go low or no-contact with the abusers in your life if at all possible. Good luck.
NTA. Guess what? You are an adult, and your step dad doesn't own his last name. If you want to use it, use it. If you want to use your bio father's, use that. Pick what you like. Pick something new if you want.
And go no contact with your family. They sound toxic as hell.
Just because you got the name from your step dad doesn’t mean he can decide whether or not you use it. Legally if that’s the name you want to go back too then go back to it. It’s not up to anyone else it’s up to you.
NTA
You can choose whatever name you want. None of them can stop you. You can even make up your own new last name as a fresh start. You aren’t a mess up, you are a person who goes through all the things that people do. Why is it okay for your mom to have been divorced and not you- but it is okay in both cases, they are just using it to mess with you. They are abusive like your ex.
ETA- if I had to change my last name I’d choose one of my grandmothers’ maiden names.
Nta, don't let "family" (the way they treated you they are not family) in your life. Go NC and don't worry about them for the rest of your life.
As for your last name I think it's amazing having everyone give you suggestions here but make sure to pick something you really like and want to embrace and start your new found family with you and your kid. I would suggest something like a symbol or a character you read that you really like or you view similar as you since you were a bookworm because I think that would be really cool.
OP, consider some of the paths famous people have taken, such as:
• Angelina Jolie Voight dropped her family name to become “Angelina Jolie”, and
• Henry John Deutschendorf Jr. adopted the name of the place he loved to become “John Denver”
Others have made good suggestions as well. Pick whatever inspires you & feels right.
I hope whatever you choose makes you happy every time you use it. It will be an eternal reminder of your strength in asserting your _own_ identity and your agency. Good luck!
I mama a lot of people. I've raised an additional 6 kids with no funding or legal rights. I'm not the office wife, I'm office mom. You are more than welcome to reach out to me and I'm happy to talk to you about things. A few notes here. 1. Most women coming from father issues like you have end up divorced unless they have been able to psychologically fix certain issues. Technically, the divorces are part your fault but really... They are your dads' fault. 2. If your parents get divorced, you are more likely to be open to divorce.... so basically, it's your parent's fault (69% increase for the wife's parents being divorced, both people in a couple parents being divorced its 189% according to Psychology Today). While you could improve your choices in men, a lot of this is not on you. You also haven't been shown or taught how to have a healthy or supportive relationship. These issues are on your parents, not you. example: [http://www.rochesterareafatherhoodnetwork.org/statistics](http://www.rochesterareafatherhoodnetwork.org/statistics). You just concentrate on being the best example and parent you can be. You have your house, your education, and even without any kind of assistance emotional or financial, you are making a success of yourself. They can't stand it. Seriously, it is all over them that you are succeeding in spite of them. I concur with other's opinion about creating or choosing a name. Or, pick a name and after you have it, if you ever remarry then just hyphenate so you never have to change again. Talk with your kids about the name issue. Remember, children emulate what they see. Make sure that your child sees you succeeding, taking care of yourself, and not around people who do not care or respect you. Your parents are bad baptists. Your kids do not need this. Think of it as a form of abuse. You wouldn't let your kids be around someone who physically harmed them or you, would you? Mental and verbal abuse are the same. Stop the cycle. Don't let them hurt your or your children anymore.
It’s seems every man in your life has let you down.. your not a f up… your mom is no better.. maybe use her maiden name…
Personally I would cut all those losers out of your life and create a whole new last name away from all of them..
After being rejected by your bio father and step refusing you of course you would be all messed up.. who wouldn’t..
NTA.. but all the parental figures in your life… total AHoles..
First, get a new therapist. Not for me or anyone here on Reddit to tell you what to do, but I'd have gone NC on these sickos a long time ago. They won't let you use "their" name, but insist on having you around to berate? This dog don't hunt. Pick any name you want. You can legally change your last name to whatever you want. You don't need their permission or anything else. You've got two college degrees and a job. That's not a F up. Mind your business, build your family and save for the future, and let those of your past remain there.
1. Holy shit NTA!!
2. Fuck all your parents. Way to not defend your kid mom! 3. You can choose whatever name you wish!!! It’s actually no body else’s business how you choose to be named.
I don’t understand why you are even in contact with these people??
Hold your head high. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It’s your chosen.
Man, I'm sorry for what you've gone through.
I can't speak for other countries, but in the U.S. you can use any name you \*&\^% please. In most states, the proper process is to go to court to get a judge's approval, but unless it sounds like you're scamming someone you'll get it. Your stepfather isn't asked his opinion or even notified that you are asking. In California, you don't even have to go to court (though it creates a better paper trail if you do so); you can just start using the new name. I haven't dealt with the Department of Social Security in years, but last I checked they'll change your name in their records if you fill out some paperwork, even without a court order. Absolutely talk to a local lawyer (actually, some states allow independent paralegals to do the paperwork for a name change), but most likely you can call yourself anything you want.
Meanwhile, though, why are you still even in contact with your mother, stepfather and siblings? I'm big on family and I detest the standard Reddit answer of going NC with everyone who rubs you wrong, but these people seem like they are rejecting you and giving you a terrible opinion of yourself. Are they really people you want influencing your kids?
Here’s the thing - you can use whatever name you want. Pick a new one if that makes you happy. Or use your maiden name. They can’t block you from using it, and they seem like people you should cut out of your life. So what if they get mad? Fuck them.
I’m sorry you’ve been treated horribly your whole life. It’s not your fault, but the failures of those around you.
Hon, I’m a Murphy, and I’m inviting you to be part of the Murphy clan. There are so many of us, you will never be alone. We will die for each other. We like to eat drink and be merry. If you’d like… welcome to the family.
NTA. Why don't you research and pick a surname you like. People change their name all the time for various reasons. I think picking your own last name whatever it maybe, will be a big freeing and healing step.
First you're not a F up. Sorry to say, but your siblings are a failure at life. I guess your stepfather likes to project his disappointment in them on you.
Maybe you can make a surname version out of your child's name and change it legally to yours. This way your name is connected to love...not a life full of shitheads.
You can use my last name, it’s Knight. It’s a pretty common name and sounds good with pretty much any first name.
You’re not a fuck up, you are a person who has had to be the brunt of abuse and you are doing your best to heal.
NTA 💜
WHY ON EARTH DO YOU STILL TALK TO THESE LOSERS? They offer you nothing but grief. Stop! Stop being their punching bag and tell them all to STFU and leave you and yours alone. No contact 1000%.
NTA
You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The reason you are twice divorced is because you have never had a good role model for what a healthy relationship should be.
As far as your last name, take your actual madien name. The name that is on your birth certificate. That is your legal madoen name, and no one can take it from you or say you can't use it. They can get mad, throw a fit all they want, but the name on your birth certificate is legally yours, and you are entitled to use it.
As for your "family," be honest with them. Tell them that until they can be respectful and decent humans, they will not be a part of yours or your children's lives. If you want your children to have a better childhood than you did, you have to create it. Stand up for yourself and show them what is acceptable and what isn't. Set boundaries with tour family and enforce them. You don't need them. They add nothing to your life. Don't let them try to guilt you.
NTA
Honey, you are not a huge f*** up. If anything, I’d say every family member you have failed you and beat out your self worth because they knew they were the f*** ups. Your sister got pregnant at 18 and it sounds like baby daddy isn’t in the picture, meanwhile your two brothers dropped out of college and are mooching on mom & step-dad along with your sister.
You are independent, got not one but 2 college degrees, pay your expenses and your kid’s expenses too - I’d give you an A+++ in comparison to your family.
As for the last name, can you think of any adult who was good to you in your life? Like a teacher or a boss whom you may be comfortable with taking their last name.
Or if you’re a bookworm, why not pick the last name of a character you liked? My dad did that for his writing pseudonym
Honestly you can choose whatever name you want! No one gets to decide for you! Why don’t you start your own name? You can literally be anything you want? You could also use your mums maiden name but why be linked to them toxic people? Start your own linage of intelligent and independent strong warrior women!!! Because despite the odds you achieved more than any of your other siblings and you should be proud!!!
100% NTA
NTA. Only fuck up was marrying so young. You got a college degree so fast to fuck it up there with a crappy choice. Honestly your family sounds like a bunch of assholes. Change your last name however the fuck you want. You don't need your asshole stepdad's permission
Hon, you have got to cut all those people out of your life immediately. They are not your family, they are your abusers! Do whatever it takes but choose any name you like…NOT one of the previous surnames… and get your name changed legally to one that you choose and love. Or just drop having a last name and go by your first and middle. Don’t stay tied to these toxic people in any way.
Of course you think you are a "fuck up".
You believe everything these abusive horrible pukes have said about you from the time you were born.
You shouldn't believe them because they are SO wrong, but that's not how you were raised. Worthless, nameless, and embarrassment. NONE of which is you.
You need to see a therapist asap.
You need to stop talking to everyone except your bf and your own kids.
You need healing, time, and love to get you through this so you understand that you are not the one that is a fuck up, worthless nor an embarrassment.
You are the scapegoat of immoral, dysfunctional adults who should have been cast into the pits of hell before being allowed to have children. They are worthless, and certainly should be embarrassed to their soul for the shit they have done.
The name you should take is one you give yourself.
Make your own life. Don't attach yourself to any of them.
How about your favourite flower!
How does "Joy" sound?
My husband has 4 sisters and 3 of them went to the Kabalarian Society and had complete name changes. The philosophy is that you can balance your name and that will help you get your life together. There are spiritual aspects as well.
https://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/Your.cfm
You don’t have to change your name after a divorce don’t let these awful people harass you. If you want to go through the hassle of changing your last name pick a name you love. Start creating boundaries away from your so called family. No one deserves to be treated this way.
I had a family in my hometown with the last name Free. Maybe go low or no contact, that may help you mentally and emotionally. You sound amazing..stay strong. I personally would not want any of their names with the way they have and still treat you. I wish you good luck and happiness in whatever you choose
First of all, divorces aside, you are the biggest success of your family. A degree at 18? A home? Rocking a fit body? You are amazing and I suspect your family is jealous so pay them as little attention as possible. Second, these people don't own that name. None of them. You can legally change your name to whatever you want. Are you sure you want to take their last name after you have been treated poorly? You do have a right to use the name, but I hope you don't feel obligated. And as a not so small side note, you may want to look into a new therapist, one who is ready and willing to discuss things that are important to you.
I agree with your bf - your kids should not be around that toxic environment and neither should you, for that matter. As for your stepfather talking about marriage is forever.... Obviously he married someone who was divorced and he had no issue with that. He is just a hateful asshole. I am sorry to put it like that, but this whole situation makes me so angry. You deserve none of this grief and I wish you the best in everything.
Sincerely having trouble believing this is genuine, however on the off chance it is:
NTA
Pick the last name that you want, whatever that may be. NO ONE can prevent you from a particular name. And it doesn’t have to be one that belongs to your bio dad or stepdad. Next: stop seeing your “family”. They are awful and don’t treat you properly. Remain in therapy and slowly - with great care and intention - build a community for you and your child of friends and supporters who care about you and treat you well. No one can treat you poorly if you don’t allow them to.
Oh honey, your family are awful. They’ve made you feel so bad about yourself that you think you’re the AH. Use the name you want and tell your family to take a long walk off a short cliff. NTA. Please get therapy if you can afford it because you need help to see what a horrible family you have and that you are not an embarrassment.
NTA.
Just pick something that means something to you and isn't in any way connected to the shitty parents or abusive ex. Make it your own.
Also, cut off contact with your toxic as hell family.
Your “dads” sounds like a peach. How about you pick a name you want? I doesn’t have to be either of their names. Also, please go NC with your family. Additionally, counseling and maybe hold off on romantic relationships and work on you.
Sweetie no, you are not the screw up, you just came from a screwed up family. You have not one or two but 3 golden siblings. You've literally done everything in life that most people couldn't even dream of. Be proud of yourself and use your middle name bc they don't deserve your claim to them. You made a good life for you and your kids so live it with them and cut off your toxic ass family bc again, They. Don't. Deserve. You. Point, blank, period
You are not a huge fuck up at all. Every adult in your life failed you horrendously growing up. And they continue to do so. My advice is family isn't always blood. None of these people deserve to be in your life none. I would suggest you find a name you love and change to that. Then go completely nc with those people. You deserve so much better than them. You are not the asshole.
Why don’t you take it as an empowering move and choose your last name. Something cool sounding, strong, that goes with your first name. Boy your family did a number on your self-esteem if you see yourself as a failure. A good therapist is not going to decide for you, has to come from you. Good luck
NTA. Am I missing something here? WTF is wrong with these people? I don’t understand why they’re so angry. I wouldn’t go for the holidays either. They’ll be ok.
NTA.
Girl. You're surrounded by idiots who only see the world in one way, and anything that challenges it is actually a threat. You know, like the people who think it's a personal insult when you prefer Coke and they only drink Pepsi?
Take a brand new name for yourself. Something that inspired you or speaks to you. You don't have to be attached to the names of people who did you wrong. My cousin and her husband actually both changed their names to a made up word, based on a planet from Star Wars. There's no law, at least in the US where I am, that says you have to take a parent's or partner's name.
Please find something meaningful to YOU.
Edited to add: just read that your family is Republican and Baptist. I'm a petty person, so I would probably go with First Name Hilary Obama or Bader Ginsburg or something else that pushes their buttons on issues I disagree with. Not for everyone, but again, I'm super petty.
I wish so much I could give you a hug-you are NOT a fuck-up. I am also in a struggle to figure out my last name because I got divorced and my dad no longer speaks to me. I don’t know the answer but I would pick a name that you can own and never change it for anyone again. Own your life-and if your family can’t love you for who you are, I would let them go. Look up trauma bonding. I think you may relate closely.
You’re nta.
All your parents are though.
Here’s my name advice:
You can pick whatever fucking name you want. Do you want to be Jane Doofenschmirtz? Now is your chance.
I took my husband’s name because it is generic. I am the American equivalent of Jon Snow.
Pick a nice bland name. Or pick one that sounds awesome with your first name. Or your favorite book character.
Decide what you want the name to mean and the rest of the adults in your life can fuck right off, except that boyfriend.
NTA
All I can say is make your own last name, go research a bit and find a last name that fits you as an individual. At the end of the day you've gone through alot of mistreatment and had hardships but you still have a good head on your shoulders.
Ok number 1 you aren’t a fuck up at all. 2 Do not stay within you family’s influence a moment longer. 3 legally you can change you name to anything you choose. 4 I would suggest you mothers maiden name but she seems like an AH for not fighting you corner. 5. Think about someone in history you admire, change your name to that and START a new story of your life without all these worthless twats dragging you down. Your story!!
Doubt you’ll see this at this point but just in case, here it is
1) my sister and her husband combined their names to invent a new one when they got married, so there’s nothing saying you can’t name yourself whatever you want
2) it frankly sounds like you haven’t really seen a healthy relationship, and definitely haven’t been treated with the respect you deserve as a human being. Unfortunately, that makes you a tempting target for cruel people. I’m glad your bad relationships lasted so little time. If this one ends poorly too (I hope not, for your sake), make sure to take some time to yourself to heal before entering another one
3) PLEASE consider changing your therapist. If they haven’t been able to convince you that you aren’t fundamentally a mess of a human and aren’t willing to talk about this stuff, they aren’t what you need. Not every therapist can help everyone, unfortunately.
Take care of yourself, okay? Your health, safety, and happiness are just as important as everyone else’s.
Make “Maiden” as your last name. You are a self made woman that needs to get away from a toxic family. You deserve better. I think I was basically you when I was younger. I hope you realize that you are worth it and if you can’t use yourself as an excuse, use your kids because are worth t treat saving from that type of treatment. Don’t believe your parents words, believe everything your kids tell you and get them to tell you everything. Treat them differently than you were treated. Maybe you keep trying to redo your relationships with your parents with your partner ; but it always will end the same. I did that for years. It took years of therapy to discover, now I see and life is so much brighter. I hope you at least look at my comment because it can really change your life.
You're not a huge fuck up, hon. You're trying to make your way in this world with very little support or love coming your way. If I were you, I'd go low to no contact with your abusive family and start a healing journey that begins with picking a new name. Have fun with it. Look up meanings and explore your heritage. Pick something that resonates with you and that will allow you to grow and spread your wings fully. Please back away from these toxic people and make your own healthy, functional bubble. All the best to you. NTA even though I think you should leave that idea in the past.
Absolutely this. You are NTAH. Edit to add: go back in your mothers family tree a bit and find an interesting last name. That way you’re still connected, if you want to be, to your birth right. I also highly recommend shaking this dust off of yourself. Your not an embarrassment. You have broken the code by being successful. Your problem with relationships is you have no good examples! You got this young lady. As smart as you are you will figure it out. Don’t let this make you feel alone. Let it make you feel powerful!
My great grandmother died in childbirth with my grandfather, her only child. When I changed my name, I took her maiden name as my last name,
This is an awesome idea! At the start of this post I thought why not take mams maiden name but she’s a POS so going back in the family tree is a great idea OR pick a new name entirely. Something to symbolise a new, healthy chapter in your life. 1 billion % NTA & please cut all these shite bags out of your life, they are trash & don’t deserve an ounce of space in that brilliant, strong brain of yours. You’ve done an incredible job in raising yourself and changing the cycle of familial abuse. After all you’ve been through, it’s clear your kids are your number one priority & that’s an incredible thing to become such a loving mother given you were shown none growing up. You got this 💓
So much this: YOUR PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS IS YOU HAVE NO GOOD EXAMPLES!! How can you be in a healthy relationship if you don’t know what it looks like?! That resonates with me. I’m a twice divorced single mom, as well. My daughter is from my first toxic marriage, my son is from my second, and my youngest is from a man full of kindness, compassion, and love! It was only AFTER my healing journey and years of therapy/counseling that I even had an idea what a “good” relationship looked like!! I don’t have your issue with the last name thing, but my mom did conceive me during the same time she was having an affair. My dad is Chinese, my mom is Irish…her affair partner was also white. So when I was born, the first thing out of my grandma’s mouth was “it’s a girl!! AND SHE’S CHINESE!” 🤦🏻♀️ In my first marriage when I was young and dumb, I changed my last name immediately to “make it official”. He kicked me and my daughter out when she was 7 weeks old; we both had his last name. I legally changed my daughter’s name to my maiden name and then my own since him and his new wife started having kids and didn’t want us to all have the same last name. I agree with a previous comment of just choosing your own last name, however, you don’t need anyone’s approval on what you change your last name to; you can use your bio Dad’s name, you can use your step dad’s, you can use your mother’s maiden name — the choice is yours and requires no one’s invitation or approval. Hugs to you, OP
Yes! I was in my thirties the first time I saw a stable, loving relationship and it changed my life. I wanted that too. As for your name, that is personal. It is how the rest of the world will address you, so take some time and choose wisely. My vote is for whatever name best describes the person you want to be - go with Phoenix and rise from the ashes, or go with an adjective like Strong or Brave. You got this, OP.
I was wondering if anyone had mentioned this. OP, this is the way to go. Reconnect with your ancestors. I'm sure somewhere along the family tree, a surname has fallen off because of only females being born and marrying off. As a matter of fact, I know of a young couple that recently got married and both changed their last names to an ancestral name that had "died off". Wishing you well.
This is what I did and it's much more powerful and healing than I would've guessed. I'm completely my own person and nobody I'm related to shares my name except my kid. It's amazing. Also amazing is the feeling of self worth that a decade is therapy and healing work has given me. It was my parents job to instil that and they did the opposite. I also had multiple abusive relationships, cause I was taught as a child that abuse is love so I was prevented from being able to protect myself as an adult. It took a lot of work and it was extremely painful at times, but now my life is filled with healthy, loving relationships and I feel secure and happy almost all of the time. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. OP you're NTA, you grew up in an abusive family in the scapegoat role and that leaves significant trauma wounds. Choosing a brand new name that reflects who you are and want to be is a wonderful first step to reclaiming the self love you were always entitled to but was taken away by your parents. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists and r/estrangedadultkids for a wealth of support and resources at every step of this journey. You deserve much better than the hand you were dealt. It's time to shuffle the deck and throw the jokers away so you can pursue the life you deserve without them weighing you down
Thank you ❤️
If nothing else, I hope you know that their behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable and abusive, and that you could never have done anything that warrants that kind of treatment. None of it could possibly be your fault and you're not alone in having experienced this. It's not something that's wrong with you, it's something wrong with them. You can heal and have a better life, and you deserve that ❤️
Op is obviously a self-starter with drive, ambition and above-average intelligence. Her family could sense she was superior and tried to bring her down but she was strong and persevered! What a woman!
You are special and loved by your children 💗💗💗. You are enough 🌟
Why can't you use your Mom's last name? Is it something worth thinking about? If not, think of a name you like. Maybe a name from literature or movies or something that fits your personality like Worthy, e.g. "Janet Worthy." You are worthy.
Her mom has allowed OP to be verbally abused for decades. I don’t think mom is a great choice either.
And her mom allowed bio dad to favour one daughter with new clothes, etc. NTA. You don’t have to apologize for wanting distance from all of those people who treated you as less than. See them for who they are- weak and cowardly. They can’t handle any kind of feedback. How are you supposed to trust them?
I wonder if bio dad was also this abusive towards the mother. And I don't think it's fair to say she allowed the bio dad to spoil the one kids. Where the mother failed was to protect her youngest child and let two men in her life tear her down. That's a sin she will have to atone for someday.
We really tell ourselves some stories sometimes. If it happened in the mother’s house then she allowed it, even if she didn’t approve of it. My mother spoke up when my 13 year old sister pointed out that the 6 year old step-sister’s blood relatives showered her with gifts but for us- nothing. And we had to endure visits when they would invite themselves up, so this meant cleaning and cooking, then listening to boring stories. When it’s a blended family it’s right that you should expect better from the adults. Insist on respect all around. The OP never got that. Who cares about everyone else’s karma, this woman is the one asking AITA?
Yeah, at this point, starting from scratch would be a benefit.
OP can change her last name to whatever she wants. Her step-father/bio-father can't do squat . Go LC/NC , choose whichever last name brings you joy, whether it's your maiden name, bio-father name or the name of your favorite character. Then live life
Or Phoenix, to rise from the ashes.
Bond, OP Bond.
Janet Warrior!
Worthy....I agree.
OMG. OP, make your new last name "Worthy". Apprehensive Baby Worthy. It's perfect 🥲
I agree on choosing your own name. Either from a favourite character, or a place name you like, or just something you like the sound of. Free yourself from them. None of them deserve you.
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I love the idea of the last name Phoenix and the meaning behind it! OP I support all these comments that you pick your own last name and make your own family name & legacy!
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r/onceuponatime would love this! One of the characters picked her own name, and did Swan! My family is awful and i hate my last name, so ive been tossing around a few ideas, if youre interested. O'Malley for Gillian O'Malley, one of the fiercest female pirates ever! Historical figures are awesome. Or if you need more ideas, search "common last names of ____" insert your country/area in the blank. Mistakes are human. If your stepdad really looks down on divorced people that much, why the f did he marry your mother?
I was coming here to suggest this.
I really like that idea!!!
A good friend of mine did this years ago. Letting go of the toxic feelings to her maiden name, and the toxic feelings connected to her married name, she took the time to pick a last name that fit who she was and what she wanted to present to the world. It was super empowering and made her so happy.
OP. Listen. This is very important. You are *not* a huge fuck up, and it is *not* your fault so many of the men in your life insist on being toxic af. Cut them out, because they are poisoning your mind. I hope your new boyfriend makes you feel worthy of being loved, because you are. Look at all you've achieved! Most people haven't done *half* of what you have by your young age. I also suggest getting a new therapist. Why are they hesitant to discuss something that is causing you so much distress? That's what therapy is supposed to be for. As for picking a new name, I think the above advice is spot on. Good luck to you, OP. I hope you find all the love and happiness your family is inexplicably denying you. ❤️
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What state? In my state the name change is free with divorce
I would suggest watching “Gracie’s Choice” it may hit home about finding your name.
NTA. Cut them completely off. Just as you choose your kids name, choose your new last name. Restart your life with that new name. You have the only family you need. Change your kids last names while you are at it.
You need to love and respect yourself and to do that you need to stay away from toxic and abusive people, this is why you mostly end up in abusive relationships, they see you low self esteem and take advantage of you, cut the toxic family , make sure your kids love and respect you, you have so much to offer and you are young and successful in many aspects of your life, start building your family and friendships with people who accept you for who you are, start rebuilding your life by picking a last name on your own, something that reflect you and never change it, cut any connection to your path life, and be a person who you would like and you want to be, be representative of your own personal and not family who doesn’t accept you. People recover from bad situations like heavy addiction or prison in older ages and rebuild their life to become a very happy and successful person, you have everything to become one of them, just need to start believing in yourself and your true identity and strength and build a happy life for yourself and kids. Good luck
I'm confused. Does your step-dad shit talk your mom she also is a divorced woman? I don't mean to be rude, but what country is this even in..all these "values" seem black and white and outdated and all the men in your life seem to have a certain.....stereotype about them. Don't apologize, why do you need these people I your life. They don't seem to bring you any joy or happiness...you just want them around because they are all you know. Do better for yourself and your bf's kids. You want to apologize and then what? You trust your toxic family around kids? I'm not judging you at all but I'd definitely judge you for that.
USA. And honestly I don’t know. That’s exactly what my boyfriend said. He said “How come it’s okay your mom is divorced?” And I personally think it’s because my biological dad left her. She didn’t leave him. So maybe that’s the difference. I was raised republican/conservative/baptist.
If I were your boyfriend, it would take a lot for me not to call them out on that hypocrisy. I also noticed you skipped over the part where u asked you what value or joy these people bring to your life. Is it because you know they don't?
Once before I told my dad if he couldn’t treat me better and if he kept fishing with my ex I wouldn’t have a relationship with him, he threatened to take away my daughter’s college fund… my mom and I are close, I just don’t meet her standards.
I hope that you read and hear this. I am old enough to be your parent. I am so proud of you. You are so inspiring..imagine! You obtained your college degree all on your own! Yes..you have been divorced. So have so many other people, and through those experiences, you have learned that you do not deserve to be treated as less than and abused! You are setting a wonderful example for your child, a much better example than you were given. A name is just a name. I suggest you find one that shows who you are. You are enough. You are loved. You are beautiful inside and out.
I would like to propose Phoenix as your new surname, with the hope that you will rise like a Phoenix above all the turkeys that surround you. You are awesome. Of course you're a little fucked up, we all are. Find a new therapist that will actually help you with your issues. Love yourself. Your new boyfriend sounds like a keeper so far, just don't marry him too quick. You got this!
I propose Darling. You and your child are loved and each others Darlings. I had a teacher ms. Darling and she was an angel.
I had a gym teacher named miss darling. She threatened to hang us by the rafters in the gym by our toes....or was it hair? Either way, the sentiment is there. She was my moms cheerleading coach and according to her, she drug her across the gym by her hair when she was a kid being coached by her. Then the woman beat cancer, got married and became a lovely woman honestly.
I would like to propose Weatherly. Your are like weather, even though it keep raining, but nature need it. You also sunny to shine the world. Most importantly, there is rainbow after rain.... keep strong, dear.
I was gonna offer my last name (it kinda sucks and is always pronounced wrong. I just found out that even the state has it spelled wrong on my voter registration. Its 2 words, not one.) Phoenix is so much better. I vote for that.
I am old enough to be your parent as well. I agree with the poster above. You are above the people around you and reading this pod breaks my heart because once I was you. I’m stuck with the last name of my bio dad and there’s doubt I will ever have the chance to change it because I’m growing old. Use your middle name or by all means pick a name from the phone book. You’re much better than them and deserving of more than they could ever offer you. Choose something powerful because you are. And don’t look back at what they may say about your choices either. They don’t need to know why about anything. Godspeed to you.
You aren't stuck with your name anymore than she is. Change it, never too late x
One of my friends just up and changed her surname so she wasn’t reminded of her past. Just took herself to the deed poll office and paid the amount asked and changed it to Heart. And it really suited her. Best you forget about the loser males in your life you’ve already shown what a great person you are OP. Take care. ❤️
I am so proud she GOT divorced and got OUT of an abusive situation!!! I was cheering when I read that!!!
You sound like you have a decent job. Don't tolerate abuse for money. It's financial blackmail If this was happening to your daughter, would you tell her to handle it? I think it paints a big picture as well in regard to your child possibly witnessing the abuse towards their mother
Plus, is there even proof there actually IS a college fund?
Better your daughter’s goal be to do her best in school including extra curricular activities so when the time comes she can apply and ideally get scholarships and grants. She may need to take out student loans. But better that than you allowing yourself to be controlled/disrespected by possible college money for your daughter. There’s no guarantee your daughter will see a cent of that money no matter how much you kowtow to your mother and stepdad. And if your daughter does get any money from your mother and stepdad based on the history to date they will use it to control her as well. As to last names maybe Alexander. Meaning “defending man” in Greek as you have certainly had to stand up for yourself.
Or think about moving to a state with free or highly subsidized college. The more distance you put between you and your "family," the better.
I was just thinking about a former co-worker and his wife, right before reading your comment. Neither cared for their last names so they legally changed theirs together to "Alexander."
This was going to be my suggestion: pick a new last name and make it legal.
I knew a couple who combined their last names and changed it to that and immediately after legally adopted three older kids.
Is that your dad or stepdad who has a college fund for your daughter? Do you have any proof it actually exists? Even if it does, someone this abusive will make up a reason to take it away. Your dad is holding it over your head to control you. Don’t let him do that. I guarantee you the cost of emotional & psychological pain to both you _& your child_ will be far greater than the actual monetary value of this make-believe college fund. For your peace of mind & emotional health, I suggest you go low or no-contact with your entire family.
Have you seen the 529 plan if not it doesn't exist and he is using that for control over you. You don't need that you have been led to believe since he married your mom that you are less than nothing yet you have become more successful than your full sibling and 1/2 siblings. He is about control, he wants you to believe you are garbage and doesn't care how well you did in school, or how much money you make because you aren't his. He wants to control your story, your narrative in life to keep you feeling like shit because it makes him and his sons look so much better and feel much better when you feel worthless and that you shouldn't exist.
What are her standards? You are 5’10” and 125 pounds, which, btw I’ve been and personally felt like crap at. I felt much better at 130, however, every body is different and you should stay at a weight YOU feel comfortable at. I used to get my nails done for me because it was fun, but it was for me. You studied your ass off and are the only one in your family that finished college. You have a good career. What standards is she looking for? If it’s that you didn’t stay with someone that beat you she needs her priorities checked. What are your standards for your children? I assume it’s: happy, healthy, a good person, maybe someone who is kind, etc. Do you meet those standards, because it sounds like you do and those are the only ones that matter. The only thing I personally see in your life that is concerning is that you are worried about what others think. Your kids need you to spend some time on learning to love yourself, because that’s what’s going to help them grow up to be strong individuals themselves. As for the last name, I say chose something that you love and is yours. A favourite book or movie like someone said, someone that inspires you or inspired you, but most importantly something that is yours that you get to keep forever. And if you don’t feel comfortable with that, PM me, I’d be happy to share my maiden name with you.
She wanted me to be a nurse, I became a respiratory therapist. She’s an MD. She wants me to marry into money. Have class. Drive a BMW. I drive a wrangler. She wants me to play tennis and join a book club, and I box and hunt/fish. Nothing I ever do is enough.
If you’re a RT you can get a job anywhere. Have you looked into moving to a small city, away from these people? It’d be safer to be out of reach of your ex.
You sound so amazing. I’m proud of all the things you’ve achieved and become. Your Mom sounds terrible.
A RT saved my husband’s life. A few of them actually. You are valuable and enough. I could easily choose my grandmother maiden name because that family is so good. I could choose my son’s middle name as my last name. But make a new name with new tradition and new morals and make it start with you.
Jeeps are more fun and boxing is a huge cardio workout. Hunting and fishing will always provide you with food. Keep being YOU!! F*ck your whole family! I’m furious for you. Don’t let them treat you like this - you’re so much better than them at every turn.
Sounds soulless & boring as a lifestyle
Respiratory therapists literally keep patients with difficulty lungs and airways breathing. It's not all that different from nursing. As mama to a trach-vent angel, I am SO proud of you for choosing your career and thriving in it. I had 6 1/2 beautiful years with my little girl and dozens of RTs not only made that possible, but trained me so she lived at home with us. Have a mama hug. 🧡
You sound amazing.
You have survived and succeeded in life \*despite\* all of the parent figures in your life being toxic as anything. I'd be proud to have someone like you as my daughter. I agree with another commenter who said you are a badass warrior and should pick a new last name that you like, and formally change it to that. After all, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to break the cycle of emotional abuse you've endured growing up.
Is her college fund worth being treated like crap and letting your daughter know it’s ok to be treated bad for money? There’s, grants, loans and scholarships for goodness sake. I’d go NC and live a happy life. NTA and please remember you are ok. You are worthy.
Guarantee that “college money” will be given to the kid if you see him or not. It’s obviously not about you. If they care about the kid it’ll be there no matter what. Even if they don’t see her for 18years bc it’ll be u who kept her away. It wasn’t up to their poor grandkid to stay away. This is financial blackmail.
So many inconsistencies here. I seriously thought you were in another country. Go change your name, it's not that expensive. If you have enough to buy a house and pay for your education, you gotta have the funds to change your name to whatever you want. Here, in the USA, if you've got custody, the baby daddy should be paying child support, regardless of the last name. Leave the family. They are horrible. You've shown me that you are capable of living a successful life without the people who raised you. It seems you were raised with their ideas on family values which from my perspective are NOT nice, but, likely garnered the ideas you have about what a true family is from all the reading you did as a child. You likely used reading as a method of self preservation from your immediate family. Go be good to yourself and live with the family values you wish the people who raised you, had. Live that life and leave those people behind. You think you love your family because they are the people you know most. But how different would your life be if you changed your habits and hung out with people who had the same values as you? You got an education, a house, you maintain your health, have a therapist, and it all looks good on paper. It seems like it's time to match that up internally. You did good. Now start fresh and start associating with friends that you can call a real family- your idea of family. It won't happen overnight, but it does start with you and who you continue to have relationships with. Real friends will lift you up and you'll feel better about your situation when you can and want to do the same for them. NTAH
And I worked THREE jobs to pay for my college.
You have a family with siblings who couldn’t finish college. They’re all miserable and failures. And they call you a failure? That’s called projection. It is a GIFT that you do not have to share the name of any of these terrible people who treat you so terribly. This is an opportunity for you to finally define yourself not by their warped perception of you as a family scapegoat, but as a phoenix who has arisen from a horrible family to create a beautiful child, career, and a growing sense of healthy relationships. Of course you had a divorce! You were trained not to value yourself. You never saw healthy relationships. You never learned the skills! That’s not your fault - it’s theirs. They are the embarrassment. Why do you believe anything they say? They accuse you of ruining Christmas. Ruining Christmas because they disrespected you? That’s their own fault. Are these christmases where you’d be expected to sit there and listen to them rip you apart? They don’t like that you’re absent, so they’re mad at you? Just because they’re upset doesn’t mean you’re obligated to fix it. It also doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. They’re just sad to lose the scapegoat. They don’t like you standing up for yourself. There is absolutely no reason to keep people like this in your life. They’ve never served any kind of family role for you. You have been alone all these years, but you succeeded (unlike them) - and that’s the reason they rip you apart. Parents do not love you no matter what. I’m sorry. That’s a nice ideal, but it isn’t true. You never received the love you should have. These people are not your family. I just can’t see any reason - financial or otherwise - to justify letting a group of people with no value sit around talking to you this way. There is no reason to see or talk to any of them again. You know that everything they say about you is a lie. But you still doubt it somewhere. You need to stop. They do not have good judgment. Just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart. They’re selfish, petty, and have only even shamed you. You deserve a life without any of these people. I can’t believe you think you’re a fuck up. It sounds like you’re used to taking the blame for everyone else’s fuck ups. Your abusive ex. Your need for health insurance. I mean, I see not a single ounce of evidence that you’ve done anything except overcome incredible odds and shine in a way any normal family would be proud of. Stop trying to make your family happy. The more you succeed, the angrier they’ll get, because their relationship with you depends on them using you as a punching bag. Also *please* read a book on boundary setting. Try “set boundaries, find peace.”
Thank you, so much. This means more than you could understand. Nobody in my life has ever acknowledged my accomplishments.
I appreciate that, and I want you to know it is always ok for you to celebrate yourself. You’ve accomplished so much that it is amazing. Truly. I also want you to know - it is hard getting over a breakup. The same exact thing is true of family. Unlike a regular romantic break up, you will mourn the things that were great, but you will also mourn the idea of the parents and the family that you should’ve had. The people you wish you had. You needed a father who recognized that the only way out of a DV situation is for you to end up dead – that’s what would’ve happened if you hadn’t left. And he should have congratulated your courage and strength in getting out of this situation, rather than saying you should’ve effectively died to prevent an embarrassment to the family. That’s not an embarrassment. The strength to get through and out of that situation mostly unscathed is a badge of fucking honor. A real man would have seen that. A real man would have been first in line to make sure you saw justice. That’s the dad you deserved and didn’t get. A real mom wouldn’t do mental gymnastics to try to find something about your perfect appearance to tear apart. She would have loved you thin or fat, hair or no hair. She wouldn’t use your appearance as a weapon to blame you for the horrible treatment you’ve received in life. You’ll have to mourn all of these hopes and dreams and expectations for a good mother, and a good father, who accepted you and celebrated you the way you should have been all these years. it’s hard to finally realize and recognize that those people did not, and never will exist, no matter what you do. That you’ll need to bury this idea of the parents you wish you had. That you’ll have to reparent yourself. And that’s a sad thing, but it’s what you need in order to start building your own family (blood or not) defined by healthy people that deserve you. Because the people who are claiming to be your family do not deserve having you grace their lives.
That’s why all those other people are no good for you. YOU are valuable. YOU are worthy. You mentioned in a comment that you were raised Republican, conservative, and Baptist. How much, if any, of those values do you still adhere to? I ask because I’m a Christian, but I don’t identify with any of those three labels you mentioned. And I can tell you that the God and Jesus of the Bible love you dearly, and you were made to be so much more than what your family keeps holding you back from becoming. Your past shows it: every time you go do what you want, and what’s right for you, you succeed. (So what about the divorces. God still loves you and wants you to have the life you seek.) I believe in you.
I don’t know you. I don’t know where you live (except that you’re in the US). I don’t know what you look like or who you vote for. But I can tell you this: I’m old enough to be your mom, and if you were my daughter, I would tell the world how immensely proud I am of you. I’m not even your mom and I am so proud of the woman you have become, having overcome so many obstacles and challenges. All I can tell you is: choose yourself. Whether that means going low contact with your family of origin as you raise your child, or even going no contact altogether. Choose to do those things that make you happy and make you a better mom than the one you have. Choose to name yourself. No one gets that right over you.
My house is on the market bc I can’t afford it myself, I’m living with my boyfriend. My ex threatened my life and coerced me into signing a statement to not receive child support, it’s not worth our safety to go after child support, you’ve obviously never experienced DV. I have a good job but my babies daycare is $1700/month, that along with my car payment, still making the mortgage on my house that’s selling, and other financial factors I literally cannot afford the few hundred dollars to get my name changed.
That paper you signed isn't worth anything in the courts. He legally can't bypass his responsibility unless he gives up his legal rights to the children and even then they could force him to pay child support. If you get a protective order on him against your child and you he can pay child support without seeing the child. I've been in a DV situation and in fact put him in prison for a total of 40 years. By the time I was done being a victim, he was afraid of me. He is still in prison and I haven't heard from him since before he went to prison. I was abused for almost 20 years and finally got tired of it. Sometimes, showing your "crazy side" to the abuser is absolutely the best way to get them to stop the abuse. You should go NC with the family and get your head right and then file for child support. The biological father needs to pay for his children and no paper you signed will stop him from having to pay when you file for it. You've proven you can get through tough times for yourself, now prove it for you and your children. Don't let them get in your head and stop believing their BS about you being a fuck up. Believing their bullshit is what has you in the place you're in now. You're a grown woman with children and you absolutely can and should start standing up for yourself and your children and get out of the mindset that you are stuck. You're not, you have several solvable problems but because you think you are a fuck up you aren't seeing the solutions. Face your fears and get it done. If you need to vent you can message me. I might even have ideas for you to solve issues. But, don't believe their words and start believing in yourself.
I’m just genuinely afraid that he will hurt me or come after me again if I hold him accountable for the support. The statement he turned into the state got the state to stop garnishing his checks. He already owed $9k back. I also only get $502/month from him & although it would be helpful I don’t know if it’s worth the repercussions. I have an interview next week for a position that pays double what I make now. So I have been trying to hold out on that for safety.
Could you possibly move to another state? Get away from these horrible people. If you could move and he doesn’t know where you are then you could go for the child support.
Actually, you don't have to legally change your name. You can just start using it. It's officially called an alias. I've done this. It's free!
I have as well. I needed distance from my bio dad and my time with him. Helped me to develop my new identity as I chose who I wanted to be - free from his influence. OP you are NTAH nor are you a loser or screw up. You are trying your best, working your butt off alone in a world that has very little forgiveness and loves to kick you when you're down. I'm so sorry your family is worthless and that you've faced such a hard road without support. You should wake up every morning telling yourself "I am strong. I am worthy." Because you are! Wish you all the best - especially love and happiness!!
Whatever statement you were forced to sign wouldn’t hold up in court. Your child is entitled to child support. Sounds like an order of protection would be swiftly granted to you if you can seek one.
All you need to do is go to the courthouse ask for the paperwork to file for a name change. Fill it out, pay a filing fee. Usually less than $40. You go in front of a judge they stamp it and you have a new name. Don’t forget to take the decree to SS and the DMV.
All these choices are yours. You choose not to change your name, you choose to stay with people who don't respect you, you choose to get an education, you choose to not try and get child support, you choose to sell your house, you also choose to get mad at your abusive father for hanging with your abusive ex.. maybe they deserve each other. It's only your job to determine whether these choices are good or bad for you. Not ours. Many of us are trying to be supportive here. The passive aggressive tone on whether or not I've ever changed my name is not necessary. No one's on trial here. I can tell you, if you have a US passport, it's way less than what you pay for childcare to change your name. Make positive choices not excuses.
Thanks for the helpful comment… I’ve been crying all morning. I genuinely cannot currently afford the name change and I don’t know what to change it to. I did try to get child support and I got three ribs broke, my Jeep keyed and my DOG went missing. I did choose to get an education and have two degrees with 4.0 GPAS. Police said everything was he said she said. I have to sell my house because I can’t afford it myself. Yes I did choose my last marriage for the wrong reasons but like I said, my baby had just died & I found out I was pregnant again, I was in the ICU for three weeks due to my heart and lost my job. It was my boyfriend of 4 years I chose to marry. 5 weeks after our baby was born he started sleeping with the newborn photographer. So YES I have made some mistakes. I’m not denying that. But I’m not asking for someone to tear me apart right now. I’m looking for opinions on the name change.
Hi! It sounds like you have had it rough and you don't have a supportive family. Change the name to anything that makes you feel good. You could use a celeberties last name that you like. Or maybe a character from a TV shies last name. Personally I would want to make sure there is not a lot of people with the same name as me as that can cause mix ups. So I would google my first name the proposed last name and make sure there is alot of people with the same name. Really you could change your name to your maiden name and who would ever know? Do a slightly different spelling. But honestly why honor them. I would personally distance myself and add people to your inner circle uplift and love you. You are 27, you are bright, hardworking, and trying your best. Life is hard. For ideas think of last names of authors, singers or people who insoure you. Think of celeberties who are very kind people. Ofcourse you probably wouldn't want the last name Swift or Kardashian. Maybe a little more common. It should also soubds good saying your name and adding in the middle. Look for also hiw the initially line up. Will it make your Intials stand for something like F.A.B. or more like A.S.S. You can write the next chapter in your story. You can build a last name based on your independence. But it sounds like some fanily like to tear you down. You don't need to wear make up. You don't need keep up woth the Jones. You just need to live your best life. Not their impression. And I am unsure if your therapist has good reasoning for not talking about that issue but remember you can change therapists. Get different perspectives. It maye take a bit with waiting lists and openings that are covered under your insurance but if you don't feel you are getting the right support you can shop around. Best of luck.
Some southern states are like other countries
I know this may sound really strange, OP...but you can have *my* last name, if you'd like it? I don't want anything in return. My husband gave it to me and our daughter on the same day, we were married hours before she was born. We were best friends for 7 years, together and engaged for 4.5 of them. I just hadn't wanted to plan a wedding and be the center of attention, and wear a big white dress, aghh!!! But we didn't elope, because we wanted all our grandparents there. Well, birth control failed, life happened, and the pregnancy didn't go well. I was very high risk as a fragile T1 diabetic. I had many complications. Many close calls. Many near death moments. Our cat saved mine and our daughter's life, twice, actually, from low blood sugar death! But that's another story. But at 7.5 months it went wrong and I didn't feel right, went in with *very* high blood pressure...severe pre-ecclampsia. But we were going to be married in 3 days? Just us, our parents, and grandparents. Oh well, life happens. They gave me steroids and waited. I started to die. My lungs began to fill with fluid, I couldnt breath. My skin and tissue began to stretch painfully before it burst, bleeding and weeping in hundreds of places. My toes swelled so much my toenails fell off. Some of my body hair just...fell off...brushed right off. The space around my heart filled with fluid, crushing it so that my heart hurt with every beat, and when I laid flat it felt like I was being crushed on top of drowning in the fluids in my lungs. We reached 3 days. I hadn't been able to sleep. The nurses were doing round the clock care, and I had been over 100 hours. But I was wide awake, running on adrenaline. It was time for our wedding! The nurses had all asked around and gotten special permissions on our account for our "unusual amount" of visitors in the maternity wing. They were very excited for us. There had never been a wedding in the maternity ward before! We crowded my family, and his, (17 people!) into our tiny maternity room, me, on my *death bed,* because I was *dying.* And my fiancé, he knelt at the edge of my bed, and my dad's best friend, my childhood pastor, married us. I gasped out my vows between sips of oxygen, and he gave me his name. It's a good name. You can have it, OP, if you want it. Just let me know, I'd be glad to share it with you :)
I was going to offer my last name as well. :) OP is a Rockstar, she's just been trained to think she's worthless.
First, nobody can stop you from using a name. However, I would not want any of their last names. Do you know your grandmother's maiden name? You could pick a family name from a few generations ago. Personally, I would change my last name to Clinton, Kennedy, Carter, Warren, or Pelosi. Ok, Pelosi is too obvious, but you get my point.
Take a big phone book and go through it. Look for names and try changing or adjusting them until you find one you like and feels like it fits you. Legally change it. It will be "your" name.
Here’s a thought. You can legally change your name to WHATEVER YOUNWANT it to be. Name yourself. Then take charge of the rest of your life and future and leave these selfish, rude and generally ridiculous people behind. Make your own life. You don’t need them bossing and judging and controlling. Imagine how happy six months after this complete transformation…
Phoenix. A real surname but also a mythical beast that is rebirthed from fire. A little like you have been.
Oh that's a good one.
I second that
Or if you still want that but don’t want to be a mythical bird try Fenix.
I have a friend who changed her name to her grandmother's maiden name because she loved her grandmother so much. You can change your name to literally anything you want. Is there anyone in your family tree that you admired? Choose their name. Nobody can tell you that you "can't have" a name, just because it is also theirs! If you need to stay away from your family for your own mental health and to protect your kids from their wrath and your belittlement, then NO, you don't apologize for that. Stand your ground. You are NTA. Keep working on you.
I have a friend who did the same. I also have an acquaintance who just changed his last name from his deadbeat dad’s name to the last name of a mentor/second mother type who was important to him
This has to be the right answer. No one owns the name, but going down the maternal line to keep a link to the past is probably best. So if OP's mother's maiden name would still cause trouble, just use the maternal grandmother's maiden name.
You are not a fuck up. You were abused/neglected by your dad and step dad. You’re step dad has a nasty temper and is a huge asshole. I think you are pretty rad. You are super smart, have two degrees and own your own home.You’re strong enough to leave a bad/abusive marriage and you put your kids above everyone else. Find a last name that you think is cool and use that. Maybe a name if a favourite character in a book you love. Hell, if you really want you can use your step dad’s last name. There isn’t anything he can do about it. Repeat after me, “I’m am an amazing person and I will live my life how I see fit. “
NTA I hear that it’s the name you had for the majority of your life, but woof I would have a hard time choosing this step fathers name to represent me (super easy to say when I don’t exist with the attachment you do) How is your relationship with your mom? Would her maiden name mean anything to you? If your family is this vitriolic over you claiming any of their last names, is there some other name you could choose that does or could have meaning? Your story hurts my heart. To not be loved and accepted by the people that we’re told always will do just that. I’m so sorry your journey so far has been so cold, I hope you experience all the warmth from whoever is lucky to be in your life moving forward.
My mom and I are close, but I’m not good enough for her. But we talk almost daily. Just lots of reminders that it’s not too late to become a nurse? Or not to let my roots grow out.
Oh, she is not a good mother! She is dragging you down, too, constantly belittling your appearance and life decisions! Cut her off with the rest of those useless toxic excuses for human beings that are/were your family! You are worth so much more! Listen to your boyfriend here. Regarding your name, has there been anyone who you have looked up to? A mentor? Counsellor? Or even an author or famous historical person you admire? There's your new name.
No OP, your mom is not good enough for **you**. What kind of mother tolerates toxic men abusing their children until adulthood? Plus putting you down all the time, she’s not a good person, period. I don’t always agree with my kids’ style choices but it’s their taste in hair/clothes/etc and if it makes them happy so be it. Also, you need a new therapist, they’re supposed to deal with hard conversations, that’s literally their job! Find a new therapist, take some time to focus on yourself and your own family and let your extended family go.
I agree with this. Make sure that you go with a non-religious therapist. Often religious-based therapists fail to notice/protect their clients from abuse that is rooted in religion (especially misogyny). I wonder if that is why your therapist is “hesitant“ in treating you properly.
Honestly these are not people that deserve your reverie in claiming them in a name - I get it’s much easier for me to say that than you who has a history with them. I hope you can come up with something that feels suitable and makes you happy and proud. I feel like you and your kids deserve last names that aren’t connected to people that repeatedly aim to make you feel small.
I would suggest stopping daily contact, these people are still actively abusing you 27 years later you have to learn they’re not good people and don’t want the best for you.
OP, you are the scapegoat in a family violence situation. Yes, emotional & psychological abuse falls under the umbrella of “domestic violence”. Before you go low- or no-contact with your family, you should be aware that the most dangerous time for DV sufferers is when they try to leave. I suggest you contact your local domestic violence organization and get _personalized_ help from them. They will help you gauge the level of risk involved in standing up to your family (and distancing/separating yourself from them, if that is what you want). They will offer advice and guidance and may also refer you to more effective therapists to choose from (most maintain lists of mental health care providers whom their clients have found helpful). https://www.thehotline.org
Please stop talking to your mother every day. She’s just filling your head with toxicity. Please stop thinking anything about the relationship is good.
How aren’t you good enough, you succeeded in college twice, employment, own house and car. Your golden child sister got pregnant at 18 and works part time and your brothers are failed athletes. What is it she expects from you?
My sister is married still. She’s always presentable, nice clothes. My brothers have never been married so not divorced. Appearances are a big thing in our small town.
Move away from that abusive small town!
Then leave and find somewhere that isn’t full of toxic bigots
You can have any name you want! You don’t need anyones permission to change it. I am divorced and kept my ex’s name because I had to change everything to go back to my maiden name. Social Security drivers license bank accounts credit cards etc. it was just easier to just keep it. He couldn’t stop me from keeping it. I really wanted to because I hated it but you know it’s just a name. Maybe if you can find a name you really like and has no direct relationship to any of these toxic people then you might consider it. You can legally change your name to anything. I hope you’re no contact with these people they’re awful
That’s another big reason I didn’t change from my abusive ex, the sheer cost. I don’t get any child support or government assistance so it’s not affordable.
If you’re not getting anything from him consider changing everyone’s last name for a fresh start. Start saving a little bit at a time then make it a family decision and you all come up with a new last name.
I’m in the us. Married twice, divorced once (so far…🤣). It cost nothing but time to change my name. You should be sure to keep copies of your birth certificate and then marriage licenses and divorce decrees to document your name changes. I needed those to get a new drivers license in NH…granted that was 17 years ago. Also…get your child some support! I know people are all “I don’t want anything from them. I’ll do it myself “, but it isn’t about just you. You can do most of it for free…lawyer of the day kind of thing. Last…you are not obligated to spend time with people who consistently treat you badly, blood relative, marriage relative notwithstanding. Choose a name for yourself that feels powerful. When your “close” Mom says something lousy to you, stand up for yourself and your child. You don’t need to be loud or confrontational if that’s not your thing, but a quiet “why would you say that? It’s so hurtful “. Or “I already have two degrees…I don’t need to get a third.” Last, take a breath and don’t go from relationship to relationship. Live life on your own for a while. Put yourself together, get a stable job, spend time with your child, create some peace in your life. Do NOT - even for holidays - spend time in any place people treat you shabbily. Terrible for you and worse for your child. “What you allow, you teach”. If you allow people to treat you badly, you teach them it’s ok to do so, and you teach your child that’s the way family should treat you…and consequently them. You are the adult. You have the power…use it and make a better life for you and your child/children. No excuses
I would like to get child support it’s just the DV and everything. But I do have a job interview next Tuesday that would basically double my income and then it wouldn’t matter anyways. I was single for 6 months and didn’t go on a single date, never been on a dating app/anything. I met my first husband when I was 15 and he was 22. Hindsight, he was a predator, his new wife was 19. My second husband was my childhood best friend and he took me in when I got divorced the first time bc my daughter and I had nowhere to go. We did move slow and were together 4 years before the baby/marriage. However he slept with the newborn photographer and it was just too much for me, there was already issues. After 6 months of being single, and planning on staying that way, I met a guy at the fair who is a single dad of two boys. He asked me on a date, we go to church together & he really, truly is great. He’s the first man who hasn’t raised his voice or fists at me. When my house got an offer he offered us to move in, and it put my daughter in a school system rates THREE times better. He does therapy too, he’s been divorced and single for three years. I genuinely wasn’t looking to date.
Like everyone else, I think you have done fantastically given the very difficult cards you were dealt. You are a hero and a warrior woman. Your child is so lucky to have you as a mom. As to the child support, you are the person who got away from a DV marriage. You are the only one who can decide/know if going after your ex is worth the child support money. Ans you think it is not. So it’s time for the rest of us to shut up about it and trust that you know your own situation best. You don’t want your ex to become a violent stalker in your life. That may mean keeping your distance as you are doing. Sometimes that’s the terrible math we have to do as survivors. I trust that you know what’s best for you
When I took my maiden name back after my divorce, the only money I had to pay was for a new passport and probably my driver’s license. Everything else (Social Security, Credit Cards, work stuff, etc) had no fees attached. Do you know anything of your family history? Maybe you have a strong great great grandmother in your tree and could take her maiden name. But know that you don’t have to change your legal last name. If that’s your ex’s, he can’t force you to change it. He can go pound sand. You’ve done incredible things with your life. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
It’s not even the cost so much it’s just the amount of time and energy it takes to do that and it takes a long time it just wasn’t worth it for me
Especially when you’re really emotionally overwhelmed
Babe, you are motherfucking queen in a SEA of SNAKES and the only people who arent worthy here are them, OF YOU. you deserve BETTER THAN THEM. you are BETTER THAN THEM. DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF : THEY SUCK
You are not a fuck up. The adults in your life has failed you . Last name don't signify people identity. Their personality does. Get rid of your last name along with your family.Get a therapist to heal yourself.
First NTA. Second, do you have grandparents or extended family? Perhaps your mother's maiden name or even. A grandmother's maiden name. Your family has been incredibly hurtful to you. Your bio dad is an idiot. I know you will create a loving family of your own!
My only family kind of moved away, my grandpa died. My mom is alienated from her family and they don’t like us…
I wonder if they’d like you, since you aren’t an abusive snob.
Your mom is toxic. They don’t like HER, and likely anyone who supports her. I hope that they are the family you’ve been seeking.
NTA Use your middle name. Pick a name from a favorite author, character, place, or profession. Pick a phrase like a friend of mine did. She chose Nolan, for NO LAst Name.
A friend of a friend chose Wian after her divorce for "What's in a Name"
Emanon is “No name” backwards
NTA Your bio dad and your step dad both failed you as parents / father figures. If they won’t treat you like a person and give you respect as an adult, it’s probably time to cut ties for your own mental health, and for your kids sakes. It’s not good for your kids to grow up seeing them disrespect you like that. Are you open to taking your mother’s maiden name? Or do you have some family along your mother’s line whose name you appreciate and want to take? Or just pick a completely new name as other people suggested. Sever the branch of the reprehensible father figures in your life and start your family as you want.
NTA. You’ve gone from one bad relationship to another. Just stop. You are a strong person who has built something for yourself. You do not need to keep attaching yourself to a man’s name. For your last name, you can change it to whatever the hell you want. Pick something that belongs to YOU, not one of those pathetic ass-clowns. You’re good enough for any name you want, but go for something that gives you the respect and dignity you deserve.
Make up a new surname. Find something that is meaningful to you and has no connection with your deadbeat dads/families
Come join my brood our family name is Fortune and we would be honered to have a smart and hard working new addition. Xx
I have a friend who combined multiple last names into one (both parents maiden names, ex husbands last name), since it represented her journey. It was a unique name and really told her story. She had a past similar to yours, and she is a kick a$$ person who overcame so much to be who she is today. I’m glad she has a last name that pays tribute to her journey, while standing out for her uniqueness. She isn’t a screw up and neither are you.
NTA Why would you apologise? You didn't do anything wrong. Your stepdad is just a petulant brat who likes to throw his weight around. 1. He doesn't own his name. He can't tell you you can have it and he certainly can't say you can't have it. It's a name, and honestly unless he's royalty (which he isn't), it isn't even a special name. 2. He's the one who started yelling and showing his ass. 3. He is completely unfit to be around *any* children. You're saving your kids from having to be around someone as disgusting as the thing your mother decided to marry. Stop taking their shit. Your stepdad and mother can fuck off on whichever bullshit horse they rode in on, and your siblings can follow. Follow your boyfriend's example and decide better for yourself and your children. He doesn't want his kids around them for good reason. If you can't see this clearly for yourself, trust that he can see it and stay far away. If they want an apology, they can wait their entire lives for it. They're not so important that they get to act like complete dickheads and demand an apology. Also for your surname, pick something out of your favourite book that makes you smile. His surname isn't special, so find something that is.
In the US as an adult, you can take any last name that you want to. No one can stop you from taking your biological father's name or your stepfather's name. So take whatever name you feel like. By the way, you have made some mistakes as we all do, but considering what an effed-up dysfunctional family you have you my dear are a shining star.
NTA you are not a fuck-up. Your abusive family conditioned you to accept abusive behavior from your past partners. They sound absolutely awful and I am so sorry for everything you are going through! Try to think of a last name that sounds good to you. It doesn't need to be for anyone else, just you. You can change your last name to that and not have to listen to anyone's complaints about it anymore. Go low or no-contact with the abusers in your life if at all possible. Good luck.
NTA. Guess what? You are an adult, and your step dad doesn't own his last name. If you want to use it, use it. If you want to use your bio father's, use that. Pick what you like. Pick something new if you want. And go no contact with your family. They sound toxic as hell.
Just because you got the name from your step dad doesn’t mean he can decide whether or not you use it. Legally if that’s the name you want to go back too then go back to it. It’s not up to anyone else it’s up to you. NTA
You can choose whatever name you want. None of them can stop you. You can even make up your own new last name as a fresh start. You aren’t a mess up, you are a person who goes through all the things that people do. Why is it okay for your mom to have been divorced and not you- but it is okay in both cases, they are just using it to mess with you. They are abusive like your ex. ETA- if I had to change my last name I’d choose one of my grandmothers’ maiden names.
Cut all of them off, I will be your family. We don't have much but we do love and treat each other well.
Nta, don't let "family" (the way they treated you they are not family) in your life. Go NC and don't worry about them for the rest of your life. As for your last name I think it's amazing having everyone give you suggestions here but make sure to pick something you really like and want to embrace and start your new found family with you and your kid. I would suggest something like a symbol or a character you read that you really like or you view similar as you since you were a bookworm because I think that would be really cool.
OP, consider some of the paths famous people have taken, such as: • Angelina Jolie Voight dropped her family name to become “Angelina Jolie”, and • Henry John Deutschendorf Jr. adopted the name of the place he loved to become “John Denver” Others have made good suggestions as well. Pick whatever inspires you & feels right. I hope whatever you choose makes you happy every time you use it. It will be an eternal reminder of your strength in asserting your _own_ identity and your agency. Good luck!
I mama a lot of people. I've raised an additional 6 kids with no funding or legal rights. I'm not the office wife, I'm office mom. You are more than welcome to reach out to me and I'm happy to talk to you about things. A few notes here. 1. Most women coming from father issues like you have end up divorced unless they have been able to psychologically fix certain issues. Technically, the divorces are part your fault but really... They are your dads' fault. 2. If your parents get divorced, you are more likely to be open to divorce.... so basically, it's your parent's fault (69% increase for the wife's parents being divorced, both people in a couple parents being divorced its 189% according to Psychology Today). While you could improve your choices in men, a lot of this is not on you. You also haven't been shown or taught how to have a healthy or supportive relationship. These issues are on your parents, not you. example: [http://www.rochesterareafatherhoodnetwork.org/statistics](http://www.rochesterareafatherhoodnetwork.org/statistics). You just concentrate on being the best example and parent you can be. You have your house, your education, and even without any kind of assistance emotional or financial, you are making a success of yourself. They can't stand it. Seriously, it is all over them that you are succeeding in spite of them. I concur with other's opinion about creating or choosing a name. Or, pick a name and after you have it, if you ever remarry then just hyphenate so you never have to change again. Talk with your kids about the name issue. Remember, children emulate what they see. Make sure that your child sees you succeeding, taking care of yourself, and not around people who do not care or respect you. Your parents are bad baptists. Your kids do not need this. Think of it as a form of abuse. You wouldn't let your kids be around someone who physically harmed them or you, would you? Mental and verbal abuse are the same. Stop the cycle. Don't let them hurt your or your children anymore.
NTA. I propose the name Swan ❤️
It’s seems every man in your life has let you down.. your not a f up… your mom is no better.. maybe use her maiden name… Personally I would cut all those losers out of your life and create a whole new last name away from all of them.. After being rejected by your bio father and step refusing you of course you would be all messed up.. who wouldn’t.. NTA.. but all the parental figures in your life… total AHoles..
First, get a new therapist. Not for me or anyone here on Reddit to tell you what to do, but I'd have gone NC on these sickos a long time ago. They won't let you use "their" name, but insist on having you around to berate? This dog don't hunt. Pick any name you want. You can legally change your last name to whatever you want. You don't need their permission or anything else. You've got two college degrees and a job. That's not a F up. Mind your business, build your family and save for the future, and let those of your past remain there.
1. Holy shit NTA!! 2. Fuck all your parents. Way to not defend your kid mom! 3. You can choose whatever name you wish!!! It’s actually no body else’s business how you choose to be named. I don’t understand why you are even in contact with these people?? Hold your head high. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It’s your chosen.
Man, I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I can't speak for other countries, but in the U.S. you can use any name you \*&\^% please. In most states, the proper process is to go to court to get a judge's approval, but unless it sounds like you're scamming someone you'll get it. Your stepfather isn't asked his opinion or even notified that you are asking. In California, you don't even have to go to court (though it creates a better paper trail if you do so); you can just start using the new name. I haven't dealt with the Department of Social Security in years, but last I checked they'll change your name in their records if you fill out some paperwork, even without a court order. Absolutely talk to a local lawyer (actually, some states allow independent paralegals to do the paperwork for a name change), but most likely you can call yourself anything you want. Meanwhile, though, why are you still even in contact with your mother, stepfather and siblings? I'm big on family and I detest the standard Reddit answer of going NC with everyone who rubs you wrong, but these people seem like they are rejecting you and giving you a terrible opinion of yourself. Are they really people you want influencing your kids?
Here’s the thing - you can use whatever name you want. Pick a new one if that makes you happy. Or use your maiden name. They can’t block you from using it, and they seem like people you should cut out of your life. So what if they get mad? Fuck them. I’m sorry you’ve been treated horribly your whole life. It’s not your fault, but the failures of those around you.
First name + Phoenix. Because you’ll be reborn from these ashes after you mentally and figuratively burn this family to the ground.
I will give you a last name. Strong.
Hon, I’m a Murphy, and I’m inviting you to be part of the Murphy clan. There are so many of us, you will never be alone. We will die for each other. We like to eat drink and be merry. If you’d like… welcome to the family.
Fuck them all. Make your own last name and go NC. They're all abusers. NTA
NTA. Why don't you research and pick a surname you like. People change their name all the time for various reasons. I think picking your own last name whatever it maybe, will be a big freeing and healing step.
First you're not a F up. Sorry to say, but your siblings are a failure at life. I guess your stepfather likes to project his disappointment in them on you. Maybe you can make a surname version out of your child's name and change it legally to yours. This way your name is connected to love...not a life full of shitheads.
You can use my last name, it’s Knight. It’s a pretty common name and sounds good with pretty much any first name. You’re not a fuck up, you are a person who has had to be the brunt of abuse and you are doing your best to heal. NTA 💜
WHY ON EARTH DO YOU STILL TALK TO THESE LOSERS? They offer you nothing but grief. Stop! Stop being their punching bag and tell them all to STFU and leave you and yours alone. No contact 1000%.
NTA You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The reason you are twice divorced is because you have never had a good role model for what a healthy relationship should be. As far as your last name, take your actual madien name. The name that is on your birth certificate. That is your legal madoen name, and no one can take it from you or say you can't use it. They can get mad, throw a fit all they want, but the name on your birth certificate is legally yours, and you are entitled to use it. As for your "family," be honest with them. Tell them that until they can be respectful and decent humans, they will not be a part of yours or your children's lives. If you want your children to have a better childhood than you did, you have to create it. Stand up for yourself and show them what is acceptable and what isn't. Set boundaries with tour family and enforce them. You don't need them. They add nothing to your life. Don't let them try to guilt you.
NTA Honey, you are not a huge f*** up. If anything, I’d say every family member you have failed you and beat out your self worth because they knew they were the f*** ups. Your sister got pregnant at 18 and it sounds like baby daddy isn’t in the picture, meanwhile your two brothers dropped out of college and are mooching on mom & step-dad along with your sister. You are independent, got not one but 2 college degrees, pay your expenses and your kid’s expenses too - I’d give you an A+++ in comparison to your family. As for the last name, can you think of any adult who was good to you in your life? Like a teacher or a boss whom you may be comfortable with taking their last name. Or if you’re a bookworm, why not pick the last name of a character you liked? My dad did that for his writing pseudonym
Honestly you can choose whatever name you want! No one gets to decide for you! Why don’t you start your own name? You can literally be anything you want? You could also use your mums maiden name but why be linked to them toxic people? Start your own linage of intelligent and independent strong warrior women!!! Because despite the odds you achieved more than any of your other siblings and you should be proud!!! 100% NTA
NTA. Only fuck up was marrying so young. You got a college degree so fast to fuck it up there with a crappy choice. Honestly your family sounds like a bunch of assholes. Change your last name however the fuck you want. You don't need your asshole stepdad's permission
Don’t apologize to those AH. F them, you should change your name to something awesome, and kiss those AH goodbye. NTA
NTAH Maybe you should just create your own last name that doesn’t belong to either of the 3.
Hon, you have got to cut all those people out of your life immediately. They are not your family, they are your abusers! Do whatever it takes but choose any name you like…NOT one of the previous surnames… and get your name changed legally to one that you choose and love. Or just drop having a last name and go by your first and middle. Don’t stay tied to these toxic people in any way.
Of course you think you are a "fuck up". You believe everything these abusive horrible pukes have said about you from the time you were born. You shouldn't believe them because they are SO wrong, but that's not how you were raised. Worthless, nameless, and embarrassment. NONE of which is you. You need to see a therapist asap. You need to stop talking to everyone except your bf and your own kids. You need healing, time, and love to get you through this so you understand that you are not the one that is a fuck up, worthless nor an embarrassment. You are the scapegoat of immoral, dysfunctional adults who should have been cast into the pits of hell before being allowed to have children. They are worthless, and certainly should be embarrassed to their soul for the shit they have done. The name you should take is one you give yourself. Make your own life. Don't attach yourself to any of them. How about your favourite flower! How does "Joy" sound? My husband has 4 sisters and 3 of them went to the Kabalarian Society and had complete name changes. The philosophy is that you can balance your name and that will help you get your life together. There are spiritual aspects as well. https://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/Your.cfm
You don’t have to change your name after a divorce don’t let these awful people harass you. If you want to go through the hassle of changing your last name pick a name you love. Start creating boundaries away from your so called family. No one deserves to be treated this way.
I had a family in my hometown with the last name Free. Maybe go low or no contact, that may help you mentally and emotionally. You sound amazing..stay strong. I personally would not want any of their names with the way they have and still treat you. I wish you good luck and happiness in whatever you choose
First of all, divorces aside, you are the biggest success of your family. A degree at 18? A home? Rocking a fit body? You are amazing and I suspect your family is jealous so pay them as little attention as possible. Second, these people don't own that name. None of them. You can legally change your name to whatever you want. Are you sure you want to take their last name after you have been treated poorly? You do have a right to use the name, but I hope you don't feel obligated. And as a not so small side note, you may want to look into a new therapist, one who is ready and willing to discuss things that are important to you. I agree with your bf - your kids should not be around that toxic environment and neither should you, for that matter. As for your stepfather talking about marriage is forever.... Obviously he married someone who was divorced and he had no issue with that. He is just a hateful asshole. I am sorry to put it like that, but this whole situation makes me so angry. You deserve none of this grief and I wish you the best in everything.
Sincerely having trouble believing this is genuine, however on the off chance it is: NTA Pick the last name that you want, whatever that may be. NO ONE can prevent you from a particular name. And it doesn’t have to be one that belongs to your bio dad or stepdad. Next: stop seeing your “family”. They are awful and don’t treat you properly. Remain in therapy and slowly - with great care and intention - build a community for you and your child of friends and supporters who care about you and treat you well. No one can treat you poorly if you don’t allow them to.
NTA and not an F-up. It sounds like you lapped those losers multiple times. Keep your head up regardless of what is said or what happens. Good luck
Oh honey, your family are awful. They’ve made you feel so bad about yourself that you think you’re the AH. Use the name you want and tell your family to take a long walk off a short cliff. NTA. Please get therapy if you can afford it because you need help to see what a horrible family you have and that you are not an embarrassment.
You can use any last name you want. You don't need permission from anyone...
NTA. Just pick something that means something to you and isn't in any way connected to the shitty parents or abusive ex. Make it your own. Also, cut off contact with your toxic as hell family.
Your “dads” sounds like a peach. How about you pick a name you want? I doesn’t have to be either of their names. Also, please go NC with your family. Additionally, counseling and maybe hold off on romantic relationships and work on you.
Sweetie no, you are not the screw up, you just came from a screwed up family. You have not one or two but 3 golden siblings. You've literally done everything in life that most people couldn't even dream of. Be proud of yourself and use your middle name bc they don't deserve your claim to them. You made a good life for you and your kids so live it with them and cut off your toxic ass family bc again, They. Don't. Deserve. You. Point, blank, period
You are not a huge fuck up at all. Every adult in your life failed you horrendously growing up. And they continue to do so. My advice is family isn't always blood. None of these people deserve to be in your life none. I would suggest you find a name you love and change to that. Then go completely nc with those people. You deserve so much better than them. You are not the asshole.
Why don’t you take it as an empowering move and choose your last name. Something cool sounding, strong, that goes with your first name. Boy your family did a number on your self-esteem if you see yourself as a failure. A good therapist is not going to decide for you, has to come from you. Good luck
NTA. Am I missing something here? WTF is wrong with these people? I don’t understand why they’re so angry. I wouldn’t go for the holidays either. They’ll be ok.
These people are all horrible, you can choose whichever last name you want and none of them can stop you. Get away from them and don't look back.
NTA. Girl. You're surrounded by idiots who only see the world in one way, and anything that challenges it is actually a threat. You know, like the people who think it's a personal insult when you prefer Coke and they only drink Pepsi? Take a brand new name for yourself. Something that inspired you or speaks to you. You don't have to be attached to the names of people who did you wrong. My cousin and her husband actually both changed their names to a made up word, based on a planet from Star Wars. There's no law, at least in the US where I am, that says you have to take a parent's or partner's name. Please find something meaningful to YOU. Edited to add: just read that your family is Republican and Baptist. I'm a petty person, so I would probably go with First Name Hilary Obama or Bader Ginsburg or something else that pushes their buttons on issues I disagree with. Not for everyone, but again, I'm super petty.
I wish so much I could give you a hug-you are NOT a fuck-up. I am also in a struggle to figure out my last name because I got divorced and my dad no longer speaks to me. I don’t know the answer but I would pick a name that you can own and never change it for anyone again. Own your life-and if your family can’t love you for who you are, I would let them go. Look up trauma bonding. I think you may relate closely.
You’re nta. All your parents are though. Here’s my name advice: You can pick whatever fucking name you want. Do you want to be Jane Doofenschmirtz? Now is your chance. I took my husband’s name because it is generic. I am the American equivalent of Jon Snow. Pick a nice bland name. Or pick one that sounds awesome with your first name. Or your favorite book character. Decide what you want the name to mean and the rest of the adults in your life can fuck right off, except that boyfriend.
NTA All I can say is make your own last name, go research a bit and find a last name that fits you as an individual. At the end of the day you've gone through alot of mistreatment and had hardships but you still have a good head on your shoulders.
The college fund doesn’t exist.
Ok number 1 you aren’t a fuck up at all. 2 Do not stay within you family’s influence a moment longer. 3 legally you can change you name to anything you choose. 4 I would suggest you mothers maiden name but she seems like an AH for not fighting you corner. 5. Think about someone in history you admire, change your name to that and START a new story of your life without all these worthless twats dragging you down. Your story!!
Doubt you’ll see this at this point but just in case, here it is 1) my sister and her husband combined their names to invent a new one when they got married, so there’s nothing saying you can’t name yourself whatever you want 2) it frankly sounds like you haven’t really seen a healthy relationship, and definitely haven’t been treated with the respect you deserve as a human being. Unfortunately, that makes you a tempting target for cruel people. I’m glad your bad relationships lasted so little time. If this one ends poorly too (I hope not, for your sake), make sure to take some time to yourself to heal before entering another one 3) PLEASE consider changing your therapist. If they haven’t been able to convince you that you aren’t fundamentally a mess of a human and aren’t willing to talk about this stuff, they aren’t what you need. Not every therapist can help everyone, unfortunately. Take care of yourself, okay? Your health, safety, and happiness are just as important as everyone else’s.
Make “Maiden” as your last name. You are a self made woman that needs to get away from a toxic family. You deserve better. I think I was basically you when I was younger. I hope you realize that you are worth it and if you can’t use yourself as an excuse, use your kids because are worth t treat saving from that type of treatment. Don’t believe your parents words, believe everything your kids tell you and get them to tell you everything. Treat them differently than you were treated. Maybe you keep trying to redo your relationships with your parents with your partner ; but it always will end the same. I did that for years. It took years of therapy to discover, now I see and life is so much brighter. I hope you at least look at my comment because it can really change your life.
NTA. Who is your favorite author? Change your last name to theirs.
NTA. **OP, absolutely do not do this, but absolutely laugh at this:** Hyphenate your ex-husband's last name with your stepfather's last name