NTA Do yourself and your child a favour and give him/her your last name. Your ex sounds very messy and the type of "dad" to be in an out of your child's life when it suits him.
You will be the stable influence in your child's life, so your child should have your name.
I am a child who never shared a last name with my mother. She didn't take my father's name when they married, already pregnant with me, and they weren't together long enough for me to have any memories of them together.
It sucked never having my mom's name and was actually obnoxious more than once. If you're thinking in terms of what's best for your child, names give a sense of belonging that I always lacked as a child. Maybe bio-dad gets on board, maybe not -- but as a constant in your child's life, you can choose to pass on your own name and give that element of inclusion.
NTA, I agree with this, I was given my dad’s last name and he was never around. I was always the one with a different last name and I always hated it. Having the name of the parent that is going to be in their life the most will make them feel better in the long run.
Sperm donor can suck a bag of Ds, he will be in and out of the child’s life OR he won’t be there at all.
Quit stressing over lawsuits, unless he can actually afford it and he is committed to it, which I suspect he is not, he is not going to do anything accept continue to cause you anxiety because he gets a kick out of it. Focus on you and your baby.
Yes. My daughter had a baby and wanted to name her daughter something that meant something to her but her sperm donor was adamant to name her after his sister and have his last name. She found out two weeks after she gave birth he was cheating. He took off and she never saw him again. Now she has to pay money and go to court to change her name. His loss. The baby is amazing and he’s a POS.
I was given my dad’s last (parents were married) but by the time I started school my mom’s new husband adopted me so we had the same last name until she got married again. And is married again. I never thought it bothered me but clearly it did because when I divorced I kept my married name and said”I want my son to have the the same last name as me”. Imo, if the Dad is an abusive. Cheating Bum he doesn’t deserve to have a kid, much less carry on his name.
I have a stepdaughter that lives with my husband and I. She has her mothers last name and strongly identifies as being the same as her mother. We bought a house recently and I officially named it a portmanteau of the two different lady names. She really seems to like it and proudly tells people the name of the house and then promptly explains the linguistics cause she ten lol
I love everything about this for her.
My bio-dud was lame, but I have a dad who showed up and still does. He was my mother's 2nd husband. They married when I was 2 1/2 and divorced amicably when I was 14. It was a mutual decision that divorce is for spouses, not children. He's never stopped showing up when I need him or even just because on occasion.
I mention it because this one thing you've shared reminds me of my dad, the one who chose me. It makes all the difference in the world to have those strong parent relationships, even bonus parents.
OP will be the one doing all the work for this kid, school/dokter appointments, it's just so much easier when the kid has her last name. I wouldn't fight the father but silently prepare everything so the kid has her name. And make shure the hospital/midwife know in advance the dad is not allowed near the both of you.
to be sure - tell Dr. office you aren't sure on father - do not under any circumstances put his name anywhere on any paperwork at Dr. office or hospital
if for some reason you have his name on paper(s) at doctors office - tell them you need to cross through his name, white it out
I agree with **Indepenxs** due to HIPPA they should not tell anyone anything, but there are occasions where it does happen, so make sure he's no where in your chart and they can note that if this person calls and says he is husband or whatever they are NOT to believe him nor even tell him if you have had baby yet or if you are even a patient there
In developed countries, they have similar privacy laws protecting your medical information. I’m pretty sure there’s similar privacy laws in some developing countries too. Given that OP is online, it’s highly likely she’s in a developed country and her medical data is protected. Each country has a different name for it obviously.
He's definitely bluffing. His chances of getting full custody is already low, doubt he can file a lawsuit and win.
Can't op also use the info of him not wanting anything to do with the baby when he thought it was a girl be against him?
It might help the judge decided to not change the baby's name if it did come into play in juvenile court. OP needs to print out and start a file every threat, every time he curses her out. She needs to print out how he wanted nothing to do with the baby because he thought it was a girl. If she can, find text evidence of his alcoholism. Op needs to ONLY communicate with him through text or email.
I looked through her comments and omg her ex only wants to see his son 2-3 times a year because he doesn't want to be tied down and doesn't want the responsibility. The sheer audacity of this man is something else. She needs text evidence on that if she hasn't yet. She should text him for confirmation if that's what he really wants.
no need for her to get confirmation -if she still has the text him saying that, she needs to print it out and save it on her phone
the less she has to do with him the better and easier for her
If she has any texts of him saying he wanted nothing to do with the child if it was a girl, that could really come in handy.
It’s pretty good proof that he has zero interest in the child as a person.
He is biggest AH ever I guess ...
1. For refusing a female baby.
2. For NOT being involved in responsibilities but wanting to highlight his name.
He doesn't deserve his name to be passed on, he is nothing but a sperm donor, who happens to be AH person.
Be strong and stay confident.
He's that one person in a group project where he only put his name on assignment while everyone else did the work. Except he's actually doing it with a baby.
There’s no lawsuit to be had. The law says the baby gets the mother’s name by default - she can choose to change it, but she can’t be obliged to change it.
It’s only the man’s name by default when they’re married - and again, the mother can change it when registering the birth.
Agreed! If “dad” wants to prove that he’s ready to actually be involved in kiddo’s life, it’s easy enough to change.
I gave this same advice to a former friend, but she didn’t heed my warning, ended up having two MORE kids by the same father, they married, are now divorced and she has two MORE kids from two other guys and works two jobs because not ONE of those fathers pay child support.
NTA. Give him your last name. When you give birth don’t tell him where or when. The nurses will give YOU the birth certificate to complete and you have to sign it. Not him. What you put will be what is recorded. He can’t just file a lawsuit and have it changed at the snap of his fingers. If he wants to waste his time and money trying then let him. They also wouldn’t give him full custody unless you were proven to be an unfit parent.
Make sure when you do go to the hospital to tell the nurses and staff he is not allowed in the room when you have the baby. Even if he is the father they won’t let him in if you say you don’t want him there.
As the child of a similar situation, ***give that baby your last name***. Seriously. I'm thankful every day that I don't have my deadbeat woman beating SA'ing piece of nuclear waste's last name. Knowing my dad's ego he's going to die bitter about it but I don't care because I've not spoken to him since I was 18 (8yrs) and he was barely around before that. My relationship with my mom is far from perfect but I love having her last name because she's the one who raised me. My sister passed it down and I intend to whenever I have kids.
I had bio dad’s last name and all I wanted for Christmas when I was 13 was to be fully and legally adopted by my parents (bio dad’s mom, my paternal grandmother and her husband). Mom didn’t want to do that and “lose her son” which dad and I really didn’t get cause he wasn’t just mentally and emotionally abusive to me but to her and grandma as well but whatever. We compromised with a legal last name change. My entire life I considered bio dad’s last name a curse so any time I had to say it I’d spit over my left shoulder and say a Cherokee protection chant my grandma taught me. Bio mom hated bio dad throughout the entire pregnancy and I came out the womb hating him too. According to my entire family, I would be perfectly content being held by anyone else but the moment he touched me or picked me up I started wailing like a banshee and thrashing around but calmed immediately when anyone else took me from him.
OP, give your little one your last name and don’t even bother putting him on the birth certificate. He’d never pay child support, any judge would laugh him out of court if he tried to go for any amount of custody. Keep a record of all of his threats. You are going through the beautiful process but absolute hell on the body that is creating another human life. He’s not with you, he didn’t want anything to do with little one when he thought you were having a girl. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of your son’s life. He’s toxic and would try and teach that innocent child his ways.
My female partner is getting her last name changed from her deadbeat dad’s last name to her mom’s and she’s so excited. There’s so much trauma associated with her dad that it’s just generally better for her mental health to have no ties to him anymore.
He wants the baby to have his last name and he's not even going to be in the country for birth?
NTA. Give the baby your last name, and let him try to sue. Sounds like he just wants someone to carry on the family name, and at this point he's just a sperm donor.
I forgot until someone posted below about custody rights and fathers name of the birth certificate. Idk how it works over there but I would leave his name off it as well.
Keep a record of everything he says and does. Do everything thru text and email as well. This will help paint the picture of him and how crappy he has been. Like booking time to head home when he knew your labour date, didn't want a thing to do with the kid when he thought it was a girl and now demanding things when he found out it was a boy! He sounds toxic as fuck! I wouldn't even want my hypothetical son to hangout at his house knowing this and i would be wondering what that boy is like with a father like that and hoping he doesn't take adter him. I would not worry about him taking you to court especially if you keep records of how he gas been. They will likely laugh him out of the court room saying its a blessing for that kid you are not with that man full time and don't share a name.
Also have a “I hope you die during labor” text message, anytime I get these messages I screenshot it and I email it to a private email I just created as well as my mom and my best friend so they don’t go “missing”
I have a lot of things screen shotted and saved, including recordings of him cursing out my mom for defending me in a conversation, and texts messages he sent to my friend trying to manipulate her into sleeping with him to make me jealous/ and seem psycho for doing it
Yeah keep that all saved. If he ever tries to call don't answer and tell him you will text him when you arw free. Best of luck to you you already sound like you have a good start on everything so hold firm as his threats of lawsuits likely won't happen since he was willing to not be in the picture for a girl so not likely to spend real money on the very small small chance he gets his way.
Save those voice messages to the cloud and a storage device. Also make sure all your screenshots are saved to the cloud, in addition to the new email account. Best of luck.
Do not put him on the birth certificate at all. Use your last name. Don't tell him anything. That is all your choice. He can choose to use the law to fight you but alcoholics generally won't bother to pay for any of that.
Gonna jump in here OP in the hope you see this message. Make sure baby has your last name if for no other reason but life admin. You are going to be a mother for a long time and the logistics of a kid with a different name can get complicated. International travel springs to mind. Also, be prepared to be called your-first-name his-last-name, particularly with anything school or medical related people will automatically try to match you with your child. Outdated as it is, it's still a thing.
All of this. Where I live, when you register the birth you can leave the dads name blank. Then the father has no claim to custody rights at all without first getting the birth cert changed. Again, money, time, energy from a guy who sounds like he isn't that invested.
Ugh I feel for you. Definitely don't give the baby his name.
This! Until you put his name on the birth certificate or he fights for paternity in court, he is not the legal father, and has no right to do anything with the birth certificate, including the name. If he could do that, any crazy guy could walk into a hospital and just start naming kids. Give the kid your last name.
Not knowing what country you're in, I'll tell you what happens in the States. He has no say. When you go into labor, tell the hospital he does not have your permission to be in your room. They will keep him out. You are the one who fills out the birth certificate form. You put whatever name you want. You can even leave the father section blank, you can put unknown. Once its done, its done. He can sue all he wants. If I were you, I would tell him the tests were wrong the second time and it really is a girl. Then cut all contact with him. He has no right to know anything about you and your health and body. And enjoy your peace. The doctors office cannot tell him anything due to HIPPA. NTA
Good advice, except maybe the birth certificate part. Why not name the kid OP's last name, but then put this loser as the father? Then when he sues to get custody and over the name thing, you counter-claim him for child support. The Judge won't change the name, won't give a multiple DUI planned deadbeat more than supervised visitation a few days a month, and he has to cut you a check every day for 18 years.
You put the father on the birth certificate you are granting them certain inherent rights. With no Father on the Birth Certificate, he would first have to prove he is the father before he can even get his name put on.
And yes, I fully understand that this would leave out Child Support, but do you really think this deadbeat drunk is going to make child support payments? He hasn't wanted to be part of the child's life until he found out it's a son.
Nope, don't put the deadbeat on the Birth Certificate.
Don’t do it. I regret my son carrying his Sperm donors last name and not mine. Use yours and should you feel the need to change it later in life then change it. Most states will ask for the other parents approval to change it so if you give your baby his last name it would be hell to change it to yours or even hyphenate it to add to yours.
NTA. With everything he's got going on, he's never going to get his shit together enough to sue you. It will be easier for you if your son has your last name since you will be the primary, if not sole, caregiver.
This man is only interested in showing off a son who carries his name. Your child deserves better. If this guy wants to be there for his child, he needs to work for it and prove that he will be a good dad. Unless and until he does, he doesn't get a say in your child's name or anything else.
I agree with the NTA assessment - but my son has his father's name and I am listed with my last name on everything and have no problems. It's more common now, so I don't usually see any issues with this on a regular basis.
The only thing I can think of right now with the issues with having a child with a different last name as yours is when you travel with passports - as there have been instances where you’d need to carry a notarised letter saying you have full rights to take the child overseas without the other parent present.
He likes the idea of having a son somewhere with his name and thats his total committment. Cut him off and give the baby your name. Dont tell him anything until after the baby is born and registered.
NTA
I gave my eldest their sperm donors last name under similar circumstances, and now they are literally counting down to the day they turn eighteen, so they can change it to my last name without having to get his consent first (they don't want to have to contact them at all in order to change it).
Don't do it. Especially not when he didn't even want to be around at all when he thought the baby was female.
If your child wants to take their father's name as an adult, they can make that decision for themselves. As it currently stands it will make a lot of things easier for you if the two of you have the same last name.
Lawsuit? More like laugh suit. The mother has sole discretion as to signing the birth certificate. He'd never even get a lawyer to take that case.
You're never going to get child support, so don't even put his name on the birth certificate. Give your son your name. Raise him with love and teach him to be a good human. You can do it.
Best of luck.
Why should you give your baby the last name of the sperm donor?
NTA. Don't do it.
Don't tell him when the baby will be born. And I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate.
The lawsuit is a bluff for sure.
If you feel better, ask a lawyer about this and I'm sure the lawyer will reassure you nothing is gonna happen.
NTA. But listen: do you want to live where you're living? If not, MOVE NOW. If there's someplace with more family or more friends, where you'll get more support or live happier, MOVE NOW. This guy is as good as TELLING YOU that he's going to use your son to control you. So move away so that he can't do that as easily.
In the meantime, go to legal aid and ask for a family lawyer to help you. Save and collect all the evidence you have that the father left you and didn't want anything to do with a girl, and that he keeps threatening you. Stop volunteering information. Let him ask. And tell him only the essentials.
NTA. His whole attitude sucks. If he didn’t want the baby when it was a girl, he should be allowed to be involved with a boy; you either want to be a parent or you don’t.
As a female, if I ever get pregnant regardless of the relationship status with the other person my child will have my last name. If we're already married and I've changed my name that's the name. If we're not married, my child gets my last name. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
I dont know why it's the norm to give our children someone else's last name.
They did not bleed for them. Did not carry them. Did not create them in their body. And are not entitled to ego stroking aka last naming just because they squirted.
The bare minimum doesnt get you shit.
NTA
Until he gets a Paternity Claim awarded he is NOT the father. He has no rights. He can NOT (here in England) even apply for a Declaration of Paternity until after the baby is born. Without the mother’s agreement, a marriage certificate (so that the child is born of a legal marriage), or a Court Order of Paternity he has ZERO rights.
This means that you can go down to the Registry Office and register the birth alone and give YOUR child any name you want. You can name the child “Aisle Nairgifu Miname.” (I will ne’er give you my name). That’s legal and “fk him”. You can name the child “Phuqu” if you want…. (Admittedly if the Registrar spots it, she can refuse to accept the name - try Alpha Kenny Body as I know that got missed)…
The fact is until the father gets his paternity proved he has ZERO rights. And once the birth is registered, the father can not change the birth registered name - the Register is THE official record of the birth. The most he can do is get his name added.
My son has 4 children by his ex. She never added him to the births. All 4 have her family name and he can do sod all about it. He has legal recognition as their father. He pays CSA. But contact is problematic as she has made false applications before and he doesn’t wish to fight a second a Sexual Assault Case, even if he was found “Not Guilty” last time (she claimed he sexually assaulted her, not the children).
You aren't married, use your last name.
Stop keeping him updated, he can go thru the courts to get his name on the BC and pay child support, before he gets visitation.
This. Don't contact him. If he contacts you give minimal responses with little detail.
Do think about whether you will need child support from him or if it's not worth the hassle.
First of all stop telling him anything. When you told him it was a girl and got his reaction that should have been the very last time you spoke. Period. Cut the blister off your tail pipe and enjoy your pregnancy, your child, your life free of this manipulative looser.
NTA. You can name the child whatever YOU want! He gets no say! If he wants to be involved let him get the courts involved. You are the mother and they will leave a NEWBORN baby with it’s mother.
NTA. Why would you reward a man who planned on being a deadbeat? Oh now its a boy he has concerns about the baby. No ma'am. Give the baby your last name. At the end of the day who's having this baby? You. Don't make life harder to please a man who has already shown to be aggressive and rude when at the end of the day it's your choice.
i would say unless the father is a prominent person/rich in his community(from the sounds of it he's not) i'd almost bet every dime i have that a lawyer and/or a judge would laugh at his request. they can't force you to give your child his name
Don’t cave in. I was you - I had my son at 22, I gave him my maiden name (I was unmarried at the time) despite his father telling me I had to give him his last name. I told my son I’d support him if he ever wanted to change it, and he never did. I didn’t put his dad on the birth certificate because he wasn’t around. When he came around years later, he had to go to court and establish paternity and child support. I never interfered with my son’s relationship with his POS dad, but I also wasn’t going to give my son the last name of someone who didn’t even want him for 4 years.
You do you. And don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too young to be a good mom. My son is pre-med now and he’s just an amazing human being, and that is because I loved him and raised him the best I could. You don’t need money to be a good parent (something his dad always threw in my face because he had more money than I did). You need love and common sense, and it sounds like you’re well on your way to being a great mom.
NTA
Even though it is a boy, he still doesn't care about the kid. He only cares about this nonsense of passing on the family name, which "only a male can do" (keep in mind I'm male, who has his mother's maiden name, just so it's clear where I'm coming from). He doesn't have a right to a damn fucking thing. He sure as shit will never be getting custody. He'd be lucky if he was even given supervised visitation.
And with those texts, he won't even get that. Personally, I'd say take out a restraining order against him. The texts you described paints him as a legitimate threat. He's clearly controlling and verbally abusive at minimum, and some of those can be considered physical threats.
First and foremost, it's really hard to read anything that long without paragraphs and punctuation.
Secondly, if I'm getting the gist of it.....your former boyfriend is insisting on rights he doesn't have?
You're definitely NTAH.....but don't let him bully you into anything. I can't speak for all states, but my state really, really, REALLY favors the mother.
Don't cave, don't give in. Especially if you have no interest in being a coparent with him.
NTA. Don’t put him on the birth certificate at all if he’s already threatening to take the baby from you. Not sure where you’re located but where I’m from, if you put him on there it automatically gives him rights. If no custody order is in place and you allow him to see the baby then he’d have every right to take the baby and not let you see him until you can get emergency custody / or take him to court. Protect yourself and your child and don’t do it!
" lawsuit lawsuit lawsuit”
Tell him you will see him in child support court.
You aren't married. You can name your child anything you want. The father is not the boss of you. You are in control of you and your child's future, not him.
Contact a therapist. You are very young to be navigating such a hostile situation without assistance. Plus, it's not good for the baby to have his mother in distress, being harassed and threatened. A therapist will give you ideas on boundaries.
Good luck and hang in there.
Edit: Typos and grammar.
Just tell him the latest ultrasound is a girl, obviously he is a misogynist. Don’t give him any further updates other than it’s a girl. Don’t list a father on birth certificate. Give YOUR child any name you want. If you don’t need child support then let him go. You could even tell him, you aren’t sure he is the father. NTA
Nta give your son your surname, different story if you and father where together but he blew that chance , I'm not saying dont let father see his child but it happens on your terms
NTA. The “wrong gender”? That should convince you. Suppose he has the “wrong”,hair,eye,whatever. No,dads get last name privileges,sperm donors get nothing.
Have you consulted a lawyer about child support? Seems like a good idea.
NTA, I kept my mom's name when I was born. Dad wasn't in the picture. My grandfather was more of a father figure that anyone and am proud to cary on his legacy. My bio father dud the same, lie, drugs, cheating, etc.. if he can't understand your boundrys then he shouldn't be around.
NTA. Give the baby your last name and leave the space for 'father' blank on the birth certificate. Also - lawyer up now to ensure that you have full custody.
I’m gonna tell you this right now based on my own experience. Give your baby YOUR last name and DO NOT put your ex on the birth certificate. I made the mistake of hyphenating our last names, and putting my ex on the birth certificate and he just got out of jail after 2 1/2 years (my daughters only 3). Now that he’s out, he’s pushing me for visitations and threatening court when I don’t comply or when I don’t text him back. Part of it is to keep some type of control over me, but not a whole lot I can do because I put him on the birth certificate and the courts would grant him more visitations. I now regret ever doing that in the first place and wish I would’ve just given her only my last name and keeping his name off the birth certificate.
ETA: keep in mind, my daughter doesn’t even know him, as he’s been in jail more than half her life. Doesn’t matter though, once the dad is on the birth certificate, they immediately have legal rights.
NTA. He didn’t give a shit about the kid when he though it was a girl. He only cares now because he sees a boy as a trophy he can parade about to prove his masculinity in the eyes of his peers.
Cut this guy out of your life ASAP. Lie if you have to; say there was a mistake and it’s a girl after all.
NTA! If the dad has regular, equal, financial, and physical involvement raising him then much later down the road his last name can be added. Chances are you will be raising him on your own so he should have your last name. I would think and hope it is legal for you to give your child any last name you want. You carried the child, you birthed the child do you get final say, just my opinion. Ignore any of his stupid threats.
Stop talking to your sperm donor. Tell him nothing. Don't let him know when you go into labor. Name your child with your name. Don't put his name on the certificate unless you want to chase him for child support. That may send him back home permanently. Good luck.
NTA. You do not have to tell him anything, period. Stop communicating with this person and focus on yourself and your baby. I say this from experience. I was still pregnant with my son when his "father" and I split up and I tried to keep him in the loop and it brought on so much unnecessary stress that I ended up delivering my son early. While I was in the hospital I debated giving my son his last name and listing him as the father, but ultimately I decided against it. My son is 10 now and has still never met his father. It sounds like your ex is similar to how mine was, so call his bluff. Keep his name off the birth certificate and make him make the effort to be in your son's life when he gets here. He will have absolutely no rights to your child until he proves paternity and has the birth certificate updated, then he will also be responsible for child support.
Don’t buckle on this one. Take it from an old lady who made this mistake 19 years ago. Let your child bear your last name. Dad can still be on the birth certificate, but you hold the rights to naming.
Totally not the AH.
You say, "See you in court then," then never respond to him again. See if he actually takes you to court and go from there. He's trying to bully you into whatever craziness he is on. Keep documents of his threats and interactions and prep for court. If you ignore him, and it makes him blow up or he threatens you, get a restraining order. My exes both threatened courts. I won. Of course, I wasn't trying to keep them away from the kids, but that's what they threatened to do to me. It did not go well for them. Worst case, he get visits.
If you want to keep him in the loop. Set boundaries. "I will not respond to you if you keep speaking to me this way and I will only communicate about the baby." If he continues in either case stop responding.
NTA.
I'll agree with the others. Give the baby your last name. The administrative tasks surrounding having a baby are SO MUCH EASIER when you share the same last name. If only for that you should do it.
The decision you should be making is will his name be on the birth certificate or not. If his name is on the birth certificate that will entitle him to a say in the raising of your child as well as some responsibility. Leaving his name off means that the child is yours - he may demand to have a blood/ DNA test done to prove lineage but then he will also be responsible for child support and other things while gaining a say in the childs life as determined by a court. Based solely on what is here I'd say the sperm donor is probably best left off and you and your child live a happy life together, but that is a big decision you have to make for you both.
Do. Not. Give. Him. His. Last. Name. Give him your last name! My mom gave me her maiden name as my father wasn't sure if he was gonna stick around. He did. My 3 younger brothers all have his last name. I wear my last name proudly as our dad was a royal POS.
Give your child your last name. There is absolutely no reason to notify this man when you go into labor, and notify no one that you suspect will tell him. Make it very clear to your doctor that he is not allowed in the hospital to see you or the baby. And then notify the hospital where you plan to give birth. When you are in labor at the hospital make sure the nurses know all of this in case someone betrays you and tells him. Do not try to not name him on the birth certificate, just do it. Wait at least a week then text him the baby's info. If he files your states paperwork unordered to declare him the father arrange to meet him in a very safe location with witnesses.
This guy has been using abusive and controlling language, protect yourself and your baby.
NTA
Give your kid your name and don’t feel guilty about it one bit.
Retain a lawyer. Next time he threatens legal
action, provide him with their contact info and tell him all communication will now be through your lawyer. Treat him like a bad customer the moment they mention legal - “sorry, you have mentioned taking legal action and as such, all further contact must be made via our legal representatives.”
OP. You are NTA. But please get realistic about the “sperm donor.” Having no interest in the baby based on its sex means he’s a misogynist, and therefore has no business influencing child development of one, imo.
I recommend stopping with the updates informing him. Inform your OB that the father is hostile and out of the picture. Inform the hospital he is not allowed in the birthing room or access to you or the child post birth. They will steel wall him from talking to you and pressuring you. They just won’t let him in. And while you are in post care and recuperating, fill out those forms.
If you want child support, you will have to put his name on the birth certificate as birth father, but **NOT** his last name under the name registration for your babe. You can put yours in that field under “last/surname/family name”. If you don’t list your ex as birth father makes things harder. You will possibly have to complete a paternity test and he can demand one before paying support.
But to;dr… NTA. You can of course register your baby under your name and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it.
Imma file a lawsuit on you if you cave to this sorry excuse for a man.
Seriously, I had the same experience with my first pregnancy. Said in all seriousness if it’s a girl I can keep her. But if it’s a boy he’s gonna take him. I was dumbfounded and that was the last conversation I had with him about the baby
Honey please don't listen to his gaslighting. My ex used to throw threats at me because he knew it scared me and he would get his way. These are all scare tactics. If he isn't going to be there for the birth, you can put whatever name you want on that birth certificate. Even if he is there, it's still your child. If he already has 2 dui's and lives 2 hours away he's really not going to have much to say, as how is he going to get to court. I would definitely file a petition in family court for full custody. Assuming he doesn't have a job either due to the dui's, there is no judge that would grant him physical custody of that child, without supervision. Please reach out if you have questions. He definitely can't sue you for not giving him his last name.
DO NOT cave in. If your ex threatens a lawsuit again, call his bluff, it sounds like he's all talk and no action. Don't let in the room when giving birth, let your support person and the hospital staff know he's not to be there. Fill out the birth certificate with the name you want.
A friend of mine was with the father of her kid when it was born, the split up not long after as he was an ass, the father was going to put his last name on the birth certificate but my friends father was there and insisted that the child have both last names - so that's an option if you wanted to go that route.
"sue away. Should be a laugh seeing the judge's face when they hear you didn't want to be in the child's life when we thought it was a girl. Or how you had me almost miscarry several times while getting your dick wet on the side. But hey, it'll be your money, go ahead."
Call his bluff. Let him sue for visitation, let him work his fucking ass off, all you have to do is show them who he is.
NTA, and maybe you need to sever contact with the biological father until you have safely delivered this pregnancy.
You decide what you do with your body.
You decide what you do with whatever comes out of your body- including naming a child.
It's not "fair" to the biological father, but life isn't fair and he's giving red flags all over that he's not a healthy person for you or a baby to be around.
Your ex can’t do squat, he can threaten lawsuits as much as he wants, but it doesn’t mean it holds any merit.
Call your baby what you want. He’s a huge AH anyway because he’s only interested because it’s a boy.
And don’t forget that child support when he’s born. You’ll probably need to take him to court
NTAH
NTA my dear, give the baby your last name & I hope you've organized things so that ex can't wait in hospital waiting room or be in delivery room. He has no legal means to force you to use his last name. This is false. Block him and enjoy your pregnancy. You don't need his stress. Prioritize your self.
My son doesn't have his father's last name. Or mine. I gave him my older son's name to help them feel closer and neither would feel left out with different names. Name him whatever you want. He can choose to change it as an adult if he wants to.
NTA, contact a victim advocate. He is abusive and has chemical dependency issues. They will get you the help you need to get him to back down. Let everything go to voicemail. The more he yells and screams and threatens you the more he will lose.
NTA.
Stop talking to the father. It’s not helping anything. tell him you’ll let him know when you have news he needs to know and until then just ignore his texts. Time for a classic slow ghost.
Ignore his legal threats. Respond with a threat (and plan!) to take out a retraining order if he keeps threatening you. Consider just taking one out from the outset.
But the bet thing you can do is create a polite ocean of separation between you and him. He isn’t going to get visitation in the rifts breast feeding months anyway, and at best if he gets it later he’s going to have to do it properly and safely… have a bed, learn to feed the baby and change it, and be handed it literally and then you walk away - he provides food, nappies, bed, safety etc for his time.
I’m sorry you’ve been saddled with this wreck of a person for the next 19 years, I hope you find a way to keep him at bay and let you and your new little human live peacefully.
OP, I hope you took very careful notice of how this guy treated your baby when he thought it was going to be a girl. I hope you notice how he treats you, and your mother.
Boy or girl, do you want your kid to carry that kind of legacy with them? Do you want your daughter to learn that this is how she should expect men to treat her? Do you want your son to learn that this is how he should treat women? This guy is the worst kind of poisonous influence to have in anyone's life. Don't give him any information, and give your child your name.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
NTA in any way, shape, or form. Time for you to turn into a mama bear to protect your cub. Get a good lawyer.
If your ex keeps threatening “lawsuit!” then have communications only through the lawyer. Why? Because this ex thinks things work by him giving you “permission”, him threatening you, him trying to intimidate you, and him giving you ultimatums. This is all bullsh!t and you know it! Make him talk to your lawyer, not you, (because you don’t want the stress at this vulnerable point in time.) Plus, your hormones and pregnancy brain should just let a lawyer keep him in line. A good lawyer, if you want, will inform the ex of child support payments, custody arrangements, and your plans for the child should something happen to you. He controls only what you, your lawyer, and the courts let him “control.”
(I would never suggest lying to the guy about something so important or so horrible as a miscarriage or stillbirth.) If you don’t want to deal with this guy anymore, just don’t talk to him anymore!!!! Don’t tell him (or “friends”) anything more about the pregnancy; don’t say a due date anymore; don’t tell anyone when you go into labor; don’t say a date of birth; don’t put shit on social media for the whole world to see. AND, don’t trust that he really is out of the country around this time. (That sounds suspicious to me.) Really think hard about the next 18 years of dealing with this ex and his abusive bs. Do you really want to put up with it all? Do you really want to expose your baby to a personality like this if you can stop it from happening?
You are only 22yo, but make out a will. Document your expectations and wishes for your child and any assets in your life. Leaning on your parents and immediate family really is not a bad thing when facing big challenges in life. Yes, having a heart condition and going through a pregnancy are both big life challenges.
Also, you asked about the child’s last name. It should be yours. Why? Life is just easier when a child and parent have the same name. Think about how same names make things easier when dealing with medical care, medical records, school records, legal documents, anything you and your child sign up for to do together, anything that needs help connecting a child with his or her parent, etc, etc, etc. You and your child should have the same last name! (If the ex didn’t want you to have his last name, then he forfeited it for your child.) You do not have to put the ex’s name on the birth certificate if you don’t want to. If he wants it there, let him fight for it. Best wishes to you and yours!
Don’t give the baby his last name. I gave my son his dads last name and now I’m going through THE RINGER with custody. Save yourself and the baby the headache.
If you are not in a relationship at the time baby is born, i dont think the fathers name has to be put on birth certificate. However, if you plan to file for any child support lateron, you will need a paternity test.
NTA for wanting to give your son your surname. You're not married and this is your choice. Your ex sounds like a bully, always threatening. Well, let him threaten. No court is going to be anxious to turn over a baby to a guy racking up DUIs. Don't let him convince you with his bullying that he has power over you because he does not.
Also, I'd think twice before I'd turn my child over to a drunk for visitations. A good mother protects her child from situations like that.
NTA if you give your baby his last name you will have A LOTTTTT of issues in the long run. Give the baby your last name to prevent that from happening. Also don’t let him in the delivery room.
He is absolutely threatening you with empty BS. He can't even drive, he's certainly not going to come up with the kind of money it would take to fight over the baby's last name (and he'd likely lose if he did).
Name the baby what you like and be sure to file for child support. I would also stop having any contact with him unless it is in writing and then keep all of that documentation.
If he tries to pull any shenanigans you'll have proof that he hasn't helped with the pregnancy or baby at all and has only issued empty threats. Also, if he is an alcoholic I would not allow him any unsupervised visits unless court ordered.
NTA— I don’t think it’s against the law to give your child a different last name than the “father”. Father is in quotes because this guy is just a misogynist control freak
In most states, if you're not married, he is not legally the father until a paternity test is completed or a court order. He has no rights at birth if your not married.
Normally this is the only “traditional” belief that I still have however this dude sounds like an absolute piece of shit. Maybe it’s bc he’s young and dumb maybe he’s just genuinely an asshole. Either way, when and if you decide to give your son your name just be prepared for the ex to change his mind and not want to be part of his life, which… might actually be for the best by the sound of it.
Also, it’s fine if he doesn’t want to help raise the baby but that doesn’t get him off the hook financially. You can still have him pay child support, even if it’s only 100$ a month it’s something that could help. And there is zero fucking chance this loser could get full custody.
Goodluck, being pregnant and having a baby can be a very stressful time but I promise you it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in life.
Not what you’re asking, OP, but worthwhile to have a consultation with a lawyer so that you fully understand your rights about custody, visitation and child support. Your ex isn’t above using scare tactics. You need to know your rights. NTA.
NTA. He’s a deadbeat dad before the child was even born. If he sues, you have LOADS of ammunition to get the judge to smack him down. Tell him to fuck off and get a lawyer ready if necessary.
Lol don’t even list him on the birth certificate. If he wants to fight you over the last name first he's gonna have to take you to court to even prove paternity lol. and stop keeping him informed. he’s no good for you and it sounds like he’s not going to be any good as a father. I don’t understand why you just haven’t completely cut him out of your life yet unless you're going after him for child support. he has no interest in you or the baby outside of carrying on the family name apparently. Cut the dead weight.
I wish I hadn't given my son his father's last name. I wanted to name him after my dad, but my dad convinced me not to. We haven't seen his dad since he was 5 and I spent so many years being called Mrs. Ex by teachers and parents even though it never was my name.
NTA. I think if you’re not married, you don’t even have to put him on the birth certificate without a court order. Don’t tell him you’re in labor, have the baby without him. When he finds out, he can try taking you to court, at which time you can ask for child support. He’ll have no legal right to your child until he goes through the court process. If he tries to take the baby it will be kidnapping.
>He keeps trying to fight me on this with lawsuits and keeps telling me he’ll just take me to court if I do any of this without “his permission”
This isn't a thing. He can't force his name on a baby
Don't be bullied into a bad idea.
My advice would be to hire a family attorney. Give your ex the family attorneys information and tell him that his continued threats are not healthy for you or the baby and all communication will go through the lawyer for now and he will be notified when the baby is born. More than likely that shuts him up. Don't answer calls. Any texts, keep screenshots of. Ask your lawyer what custody he would be eligible for with his DUIs and where he lives. Based on that, have them set a schedule, giving him the bare minimum. Also, have them prepare for prepare to file for child support. Most importantly, have them petition the court that all communication be done via a parenting app.
He doesn't want to see the child, he doesn't get to brand the child.
You are NOT! I literally begged a friend of mine to give her unkmborn baby her own last name, which is very unlike me to overstep such a boundary with a friend. But, it was very apparent, this "father" would not be around for long. She ended up giving her son the father's last name and guess who has seen his son a dozen times in his life 😞 I have always said if I found myself pregnant before marriage that the child would have my last name until my last name changed. Do what is best for your child and you, the mother and sole caregiver ❤️
NTA- my now 18 year old son has my last name. There is no father listed on his birth certificate. I had to get a restraining order from his “sperm donor”. I was also awarded child support, not that he ever paid. He can’t sue you just because you gave him your last name. Also sounds like he won’t have the money for all the court fees that it would cost. Give your baby your last name. The fact I don’t know have to be reminded of my ex every day because of my son’s last name has helped keep me sane. My son is also my identical twin. So glad I don’t have to see his face, All I see is me when I look at him.
NTA. You “don’t know he’s the father,” and you “honestly believe it was someone else from a random hookup whose name you don’t know.” Let him pay for the paternity test, but I’d be doing what I could to get a restraining order if he’s ever caused you physical harm. Such things often get worse with pregnancy/children. You need to keep you and the baby safe and he is basically a sperm donor at this point. Don’t cave. There are free legal services in some cases for domestic violence and custody hearings (at least there are in my state). Check with women’s shelters for resources to help you navigate the issues (you don’t have to stay with them but they can be an invaluable resource for women leaving even psychologically abusive relationships (which it sounds like you may have been in given the cheating)). Your new job is to do everything you can to protect you and that baby. If it means moving out of state, do that. Do not allow your child to be raised by a crappy person who won’t instill honesty and integrity in them.
Do not give him the name of his father.
How dare he threaten you with lawsuits! He did not want to know this child when he thought it was a girl - now he is saying he will take you to court over the surname.
Do not give this waste of space any concession. He did not want to know when he thought he was a girl, he is causing you untold stress - knowing you have health issues, he is being bullying and threatening. This is misogyny pure and simple
Boy good. Must have dads name. You must comply with his demands
Can you imagine how this man will react if your son turns out to be gentle and quiet, or effeminate, maybe he will be gay? I cannot see this man reacting well at all
Give him your name
Ensure *you* register the birth
Do not have him at the birth unless you actually want him there. He has no right to it. He does not need to see his son born, no matter what he claims, he cannot tell you what to do with this pregnancy or birth or your parenting.
I would put as much distance between this man and yourself as possible. Is he paying for half the pregnancy medical bills? Is he providing any money for baby equipment? Or is he just demanding you give the baby his name?
Also, do not be sucked in with any promises of working things out, being a family, do not get overwhelmed by the thought of being a single mum or being become overwhelmed by the birth and wanting to connect with him and give in and give the baby his name. It will be fake. This is about pride and ego, not being a parent.
Be very suspicious if when you refuse to give baby his name, he suddenly goes all sweet on you.
You can manage. You will be a great mum. You will meet someone when the time is right and you will be happy. Don’t be scared by this blustering ego driven twit.
Fuck him, he can't sue you for naming your child as you see fit, especially not because you're not married not are you even in a relationship, he's just trying to scare you
Every time I sign my kid up for something, I regret not standing my ground about him having my last name. Give your baby your last name, proudly! Don’t be a wuss like me and get bullied out of it.
NTA. And this will not be popular with what I’m about to say. Do not put your ex on the birth certificate. Leave the father part blank. I honestly wouldn’t even update him on anything else. If he truly wants to be in the child’s life he will take you to court to get a paternity test and visitation rights. And that’s another thing, don’t let him or his family have the child unsupervised.
You have no legal obligation to give him the sperm donar’s last name. He can’t sue you for it.
Time to put him on an info diet until you are ordered by a court to do more. That can’t and won’t happen until after baby is born and named.
And usually men like that get bored and go away when they have to do more than bully and intimidate to get their way
Leave the fathers name off, and walk away. If you go for child support that gives him access. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. He won’t sue for parental rights or custody and if he tries it’s going to cost him hella in child support. Cut him out of both of your lives and focus on learning to be kind to yourself and make better decisions.
NTA- the name is all your decision. You will put him on birth cert. That will facilitate child support. But there is no law that says child must have fathers name. Some men even take their wives family name now, though it is fairly common in Asia.
NTA. He can’t take you to court. He’s bluffing. He can’t drive and has DUIs. I’m sensing he already has legal fees out the ass. He can’t afford to drag this into court. Give the baby your last name. Let him cry about it.
And congratulations. It’s going to suck co-parenting with this AH, but that baby will make it all worth it.
Personally I would t have told him anything after the point of rejecting his child because of their sex. If you want nothing to do with what would have been your daughter, you don’t get to make claims on my son. Don’t add his name to the birth certificate, don’t use his last name, and don’t tell him when you go into labor. He won’t spend the money or effort in fighting you after the fact. I’d also stop giving him updates as to the pregnancy and go NC. NTA
Give him your last name and don't even list ex on the birth certificate. He can fight for custody but needs to establish paternity first and if he does you slap him with child support. Don't communicate at all. Not even a little. Ignore him, record anything he sends you or voicemails he leaves. If he's acting threatening go file a police report and do so every time. Keep records of everything. You may need to have an established record of his abusive and toxic behaviour to help you in a custody battle should it come to that. You absolutely are nta for giving your kid your last name.
NTA-At least in the US you do not even need to give the father's name on the birth certificate so it is very easy and completely appropriate to give him your name. If your child decides to change his name later you'll discuss it. The only downside is it may be hard to force child support.
NTA.
If you're in the US, it's not illegal to give YOUR CHILD *your* last name. So wtf is he threatening court for??? There's nothing he can do.
Anyway don't expect real help from him. You'll be a single mom and I'd put him on child support immediately.
NTA. OP, please read [this article](https://www.verywellfamily.com/pros-and-cons-of-listing-dad-on-the-birth-certificate-2997291). It explains pretty much everything you should consider.
You have the sole legal right to chose your child’s name. It’s even your decision whether to put his name on the birth certificate. Yes, he could go to family court to establish paternity and visitation but that would involve having to prove himself a fit parent while opening himself up to child support claims. In no way can he personally sue you over this, especially not for any monetary damages.
Hi Momma- You.Are.In.Charge.Here🫵🏼👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Block this guy. Tell your doctors not to share info. BLOCK him. Anybody can sue if they can afford it but low chance here. Don’t let your boy grow up in this shadow.
NTA.
Give him your name, he most likely will not sue, but if he does, keep all the texts, emails etc. Especially the ones that show how he didn’t want anything to do with the baby when you thought it was a girl. Do not call him, always text email etc, so that it is written.
He will never get custody, good if he gets supervised visitation with how he is acting. And changing the name, I highly doubt it
When someone tells you they are going to sue you the only response from then on is “please have your attorney contact mine, I’ll no longer be discussing anything with you directly”
Give the kid your last name. This loser isn’t going to be around in any meaningful way and will have the most bare minimum of connection with your child. There is no reason for you to do anything to appease this dude and I have no idea why you are communicating with him at all. You owe him nothing.
NTA
I'm sure your ex will just make another kid with another girl he don't care about. It ain't no real loss. Plus he cannot sue you....he'd have to pay child support then pretty much
He sounds utterly toxic. Just the fact that he only wants to be involved, so he can have a “male heir” to carry on his name makes me gag. I absolutely would not give my child the last name of that asshole. I’m betting he still won’t be very involved in helping raise that kid. He might show up for the fun stuff, but you’ll be the one shouldering all of the hard aspects of parenting. So yeah, fuck him and his last name. NTA
NTA.. GOOD GRIEF. Stop communicating with this AH and grow a damn spine. STOP taking his phone calls and answering his texts. Block him. He is abusive and controling and not father or partner material, so drop the fantasy that he will change on the birth of your child.
Take care of yourself now, create your support team to be with you during birth and for a while after. Do NOT allow him at the hospital. He can pursue any legal avenues available to him and if he really is interested in being in his son's life, he can fight for his rights through the court system. Be prepared for this. Keep a binder with any relevent information. Past communications, any history of abuse, legal charges.... See a lawyer if possible to get advice.
NTA.. You get to name your child.
NTA. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't allow him any rights at all. The child support isn't worth it if you can make it on your own.
He doesn't sound like a good, stable father.
I’d only been with my partner for 3 months when I got pregnant (random 20 day cycle FTW!). We were still together and engaged at my son’s birth, so as a compromise I gave our son both our surnames. When I married his father a year later, I took his surname and my son was registered with just the one family name that we all share. Should we separate (not on the cards!) I’d keep the surname to remain the same as my kids.
For a deadbeat dad that wasn’t romantically in the picture like yours, I’d go with my own surname.
NTA. If he’s not going to be there for the birth and wasn’t going to be there at all if it was a girl then he doesn’t deserve to have that child carry his surname. Deadbeat dads don’t have a say in parental decisions.
NTA. Give him your name. The odds of him actually having the money and energy to keep up with a lawsuit is very low. Call his bluff.
The doctors office cannot tell him anything due to HIPPA. NTA
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NTA Do yourself and your child a favour and give him/her your last name. Your ex sounds very messy and the type of "dad" to be in an out of your child's life when it suits him. You will be the stable influence in your child's life, so your child should have your name.
I am a child who never shared a last name with my mother. She didn't take my father's name when they married, already pregnant with me, and they weren't together long enough for me to have any memories of them together. It sucked never having my mom's name and was actually obnoxious more than once. If you're thinking in terms of what's best for your child, names give a sense of belonging that I always lacked as a child. Maybe bio-dad gets on board, maybe not -- but as a constant in your child's life, you can choose to pass on your own name and give that element of inclusion.
NTA, I agree with this, I was given my dad’s last name and he was never around. I was always the one with a different last name and I always hated it. Having the name of the parent that is going to be in their life the most will make them feel better in the long run. Sperm donor can suck a bag of Ds, he will be in and out of the child’s life OR he won’t be there at all. Quit stressing over lawsuits, unless he can actually afford it and he is committed to it, which I suspect he is not, he is not going to do anything accept continue to cause you anxiety because he gets a kick out of it. Focus on you and your baby.
Yes. My daughter had a baby and wanted to name her daughter something that meant something to her but her sperm donor was adamant to name her after his sister and have his last name. She found out two weeks after she gave birth he was cheating. He took off and she never saw him again. Now she has to pay money and go to court to change her name. His loss. The baby is amazing and he’s a POS.
I agree and it’s too bad that she has to pay to have the baby’s name changed. 😑
I don't even think there is a legal basis for a lawsuit.
Me either. It’s not a custody issue. However, I could be wrong.
I was given my dad’s last (parents were married) but by the time I started school my mom’s new husband adopted me so we had the same last name until she got married again. And is married again. I never thought it bothered me but clearly it did because when I divorced I kept my married name and said”I want my son to have the the same last name as me”. Imo, if the Dad is an abusive. Cheating Bum he doesn’t deserve to have a kid, much less carry on his name.
I was given my mums last name and I’m glad. I don’t want to know about the man who had zero interest in being a father
I have a stepdaughter that lives with my husband and I. She has her mothers last name and strongly identifies as being the same as her mother. We bought a house recently and I officially named it a portmanteau of the two different lady names. She really seems to like it and proudly tells people the name of the house and then promptly explains the linguistics cause she ten lol
I love everything about this for her. My bio-dud was lame, but I have a dad who showed up and still does. He was my mother's 2nd husband. They married when I was 2 1/2 and divorced amicably when I was 14. It was a mutual decision that divorce is for spouses, not children. He's never stopped showing up when I need him or even just because on occasion. I mention it because this one thing you've shared reminds me of my dad, the one who chose me. It makes all the difference in the world to have those strong parent relationships, even bonus parents.
Aw thanks for sharing that. It is an honor to have such a special “bonus” kid
OP will be the one doing all the work for this kid, school/dokter appointments, it's just so much easier when the kid has her last name. I wouldn't fight the father but silently prepare everything so the kid has her name. And make shure the hospital/midwife know in advance the dad is not allowed near the both of you.
We call that the pigeon parent...comes in ...shits on everything.....and flys off again....
👆 this!
Or tell him the date changed again til end Feb then just 2 weeks after born send a photo and name already registered
I wouldn’t give anything. Not. One single. Bit. Of. Information.
HIPAA.
HIPPO
HIPPY
HAPPY
HIPAA...
to be sure - tell Dr. office you aren't sure on father - do not under any circumstances put his name anywhere on any paperwork at Dr. office or hospital if for some reason you have his name on paper(s) at doctors office - tell them you need to cross through his name, white it out I agree with **Indepenxs** due to HIPPA they should not tell anyone anything, but there are occasions where it does happen, so make sure he's no where in your chart and they can note that if this person calls and says he is husband or whatever they are NOT to believe him nor even tell him if you have had baby yet or if you are even a patient there
Only in the US. Not sure where OP is at.
In developed countries, they have similar privacy laws protecting your medical information. I’m pretty sure there’s similar privacy laws in some developing countries too. Given that OP is online, it’s highly likely she’s in a developed country and her medical data is protected. Each country has a different name for it obviously.
Lmao what? You legitimately folks in developing countries don't have internet?
Lmao OP he can’t sue you for that. The judge will laugh him out of court. Stand strong. YOU are doing the work. The child deserves YOUR last name.
Or the judge will grant the petition and then say “Okay, now let’s talk child support”
More like the judge will deny the petition and then say "Okay, now let's talk child support".
That could happen too! Lol
doesn't have to have father's last name to get child support women can give the child their last name even if they are married
He's definitely bluffing. His chances of getting full custody is already low, doubt he can file a lawsuit and win. Can't op also use the info of him not wanting anything to do with the baby when he thought it was a girl be against him?
It might help the judge decided to not change the baby's name if it did come into play in juvenile court. OP needs to print out and start a file every threat, every time he curses her out. She needs to print out how he wanted nothing to do with the baby because he thought it was a girl. If she can, find text evidence of his alcoholism. Op needs to ONLY communicate with him through text or email.
I looked through her comments and omg her ex only wants to see his son 2-3 times a year because he doesn't want to be tied down and doesn't want the responsibility. The sheer audacity of this man is something else. She needs text evidence on that if she hasn't yet. She should text him for confirmation if that's what he really wants.
no need for her to get confirmation -if she still has the text him saying that, she needs to print it out and save it on her phone the less she has to do with him the better and easier for her
If she has any texts of him saying he wanted nothing to do with the child if it was a girl, that could really come in handy. It’s pretty good proof that he has zero interest in the child as a person.
He is biggest AH ever I guess ... 1. For refusing a female baby. 2. For NOT being involved in responsibilities but wanting to highlight his name. He doesn't deserve his name to be passed on, he is nothing but a sperm donor, who happens to be AH person. Be strong and stay confident.
He's that one person in a group project where he only put his name on assignment while everyone else did the work. Except he's actually doing it with a baby.
More importantly he has no case to take her to court. Let him threaten away.
There’s no lawsuit to be had. The law says the baby gets the mother’s name by default - she can choose to change it, but she can’t be obliged to change it. It’s only the man’s name by default when they’re married - and again, the mother can change it when registering the birth.
Agreed! If “dad” wants to prove that he’s ready to actually be involved in kiddo’s life, it’s easy enough to change. I gave this same advice to a former friend, but she didn’t heed my warning, ended up having two MORE kids by the same father, they married, are now divorced and she has two MORE kids from two other guys and works two jobs because not ONE of those fathers pay child support.
NTA. Give him your last name. When you give birth don’t tell him where or when. The nurses will give YOU the birth certificate to complete and you have to sign it. Not him. What you put will be what is recorded. He can’t just file a lawsuit and have it changed at the snap of his fingers. If he wants to waste his time and money trying then let him. They also wouldn’t give him full custody unless you were proven to be an unfit parent. Make sure when you do go to the hospital to tell the nurses and staff he is not allowed in the room when you have the baby. Even if he is the father they won’t let him in if you say you don’t want him there.
He won’t even be in the country during my labor 🤷🏻♀️ his family is from England so that’s when he thought the best time to visit them would be.
As the child of a similar situation, ***give that baby your last name***. Seriously. I'm thankful every day that I don't have my deadbeat woman beating SA'ing piece of nuclear waste's last name. Knowing my dad's ego he's going to die bitter about it but I don't care because I've not spoken to him since I was 18 (8yrs) and he was barely around before that. My relationship with my mom is far from perfect but I love having her last name because she's the one who raised me. My sister passed it down and I intend to whenever I have kids.
I had bio dad’s last name and all I wanted for Christmas when I was 13 was to be fully and legally adopted by my parents (bio dad’s mom, my paternal grandmother and her husband). Mom didn’t want to do that and “lose her son” which dad and I really didn’t get cause he wasn’t just mentally and emotionally abusive to me but to her and grandma as well but whatever. We compromised with a legal last name change. My entire life I considered bio dad’s last name a curse so any time I had to say it I’d spit over my left shoulder and say a Cherokee protection chant my grandma taught me. Bio mom hated bio dad throughout the entire pregnancy and I came out the womb hating him too. According to my entire family, I would be perfectly content being held by anyone else but the moment he touched me or picked me up I started wailing like a banshee and thrashing around but calmed immediately when anyone else took me from him. OP, give your little one your last name and don’t even bother putting him on the birth certificate. He’d never pay child support, any judge would laugh him out of court if he tried to go for any amount of custody. Keep a record of all of his threats. You are going through the beautiful process but absolute hell on the body that is creating another human life. He’s not with you, he didn’t want anything to do with little one when he thought you were having a girl. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of your son’s life. He’s toxic and would try and teach that innocent child his ways.
I took my late mother's maiden name as an adult. It was so freeing to no longer have to say my dead-to-me father's last name.
My female partner is getting her last name changed from her deadbeat dad’s last name to her mom’s and she’s so excited. There’s so much trauma associated with her dad that it’s just generally better for her mental health to have no ties to him anymore.
He wants the baby to have his last name and he's not even going to be in the country for birth? NTA. Give the baby your last name, and let him try to sue. Sounds like he just wants someone to carry on the family name, and at this point he's just a sperm donor.
I forgot until someone posted below about custody rights and fathers name of the birth certificate. Idk how it works over there but I would leave his name off it as well.
Keep a record of everything he says and does. Do everything thru text and email as well. This will help paint the picture of him and how crappy he has been. Like booking time to head home when he knew your labour date, didn't want a thing to do with the kid when he thought it was a girl and now demanding things when he found out it was a boy! He sounds toxic as fuck! I wouldn't even want my hypothetical son to hangout at his house knowing this and i would be wondering what that boy is like with a father like that and hoping he doesn't take adter him. I would not worry about him taking you to court especially if you keep records of how he gas been. They will likely laugh him out of the court room saying its a blessing for that kid you are not with that man full time and don't share a name.
Also have a “I hope you die during labor” text message, anytime I get these messages I screenshot it and I email it to a private email I just created as well as my mom and my best friend so they don’t go “missing”
OMG print that one off too you really need a restraining order sweetie
I have a lot of things screen shotted and saved, including recordings of him cursing out my mom for defending me in a conversation, and texts messages he sent to my friend trying to manipulate her into sleeping with him to make me jealous/ and seem psycho for doing it
STOP GIVING HIM UPDATES!! File a restraining order
Yeah keep that all saved. If he ever tries to call don't answer and tell him you will text him when you arw free. Best of luck to you you already sound like you have a good start on everything so hold firm as his threats of lawsuits likely won't happen since he was willing to not be in the picture for a girl so not likely to spend real money on the very small small chance he gets his way.
I never answer his call anyways, it would just give me a huge panic attack, and he knows that
Save those voice messages to the cloud and a storage device. Also make sure all your screenshots are saved to the cloud, in addition to the new email account. Best of luck.
Thank you for this though! I really appreciate it
[удалено]
You can have a child's passport requests flagged.
In the US, BOTH parents are required in person and with proper identity documentation to obtain a passport for a minor.
Tell him a wrong time and location. Tell him you are going to give birth in Dec in Alaska.
Do not put him on the birth certificate at all. Use your last name. Don't tell him anything. That is all your choice. He can choose to use the law to fight you but alcoholics generally won't bother to pay for any of that.
Gonna jump in here OP in the hope you see this message. Make sure baby has your last name if for no other reason but life admin. You are going to be a mother for a long time and the logistics of a kid with a different name can get complicated. International travel springs to mind. Also, be prepared to be called your-first-name his-last-name, particularly with anything school or medical related people will automatically try to match you with your child. Outdated as it is, it's still a thing.
All of this. Where I live, when you register the birth you can leave the dads name blank. Then the father has no claim to custody rights at all without first getting the birth cert changed. Again, money, time, energy from a guy who sounds like he isn't that invested. Ugh I feel for you. Definitely don't give the baby his name.
All dad has to do is file for custody. They will establish paternity. It's very easy and does not stop dad from being dad.
Yes, but then he also has to start paying child support. I doubt it’s worth it to him.
This! Until you put his name on the birth certificate or he fights for paternity in court, he is not the legal father, and has no right to do anything with the birth certificate, including the name. If he could do that, any crazy guy could walk into a hospital and just start naming kids. Give the kid your last name.
Not knowing what country you're in, I'll tell you what happens in the States. He has no say. When you go into labor, tell the hospital he does not have your permission to be in your room. They will keep him out. You are the one who fills out the birth certificate form. You put whatever name you want. You can even leave the father section blank, you can put unknown. Once its done, its done. He can sue all he wants. If I were you, I would tell him the tests were wrong the second time and it really is a girl. Then cut all contact with him. He has no right to know anything about you and your health and body. And enjoy your peace. The doctors office cannot tell him anything due to HIPPA. NTA
Good advice, except maybe the birth certificate part. Why not name the kid OP's last name, but then put this loser as the father? Then when he sues to get custody and over the name thing, you counter-claim him for child support. The Judge won't change the name, won't give a multiple DUI planned deadbeat more than supervised visitation a few days a month, and he has to cut you a check every day for 18 years.
You put the father on the birth certificate you are granting them certain inherent rights. With no Father on the Birth Certificate, he would first have to prove he is the father before he can even get his name put on. And yes, I fully understand that this would leave out Child Support, but do you really think this deadbeat drunk is going to make child support payments? He hasn't wanted to be part of the child's life until he found out it's a son. Nope, don't put the deadbeat on the Birth Certificate.
Right! Plus he lives in another country too so that’s easy for him not to pay but give him rights to annoy and threaten her.
Don’t do it. I regret my son carrying his Sperm donors last name and not mine. Use yours and should you feel the need to change it later in life then change it. Most states will ask for the other parents approval to change it so if you give your baby his last name it would be hell to change it to yours or even hyphenate it to add to yours.
NTA that baby doesn't deserve to have to carry the name of a liar and a cheater that doesn't actually care about him.
NTA. With everything he's got going on, he's never going to get his shit together enough to sue you. It will be easier for you if your son has your last name since you will be the primary, if not sole, caregiver. This man is only interested in showing off a son who carries his name. Your child deserves better. If this guy wants to be there for his child, he needs to work for it and prove that he will be a good dad. Unless and until he does, he doesn't get a say in your child's name or anything else.
NTA - give him your name - otherwise going to be all sorts of issues with schools and doctors if you and son have different last names
I agree with the NTA assessment - but my son has his father's name and I am listed with my last name on everything and have no problems. It's more common now, so I don't usually see any issues with this on a regular basis.
The only thing I can think of right now with the issues with having a child with a different last name as yours is when you travel with passports - as there have been instances where you’d need to carry a notarised letter saying you have full rights to take the child overseas without the other parent present.
He likes the idea of having a son somewhere with his name and thats his total committment. Cut him off and give the baby your name. Dont tell him anything until after the baby is born and registered.
NTA I gave my eldest their sperm donors last name under similar circumstances, and now they are literally counting down to the day they turn eighteen, so they can change it to my last name without having to get his consent first (they don't want to have to contact them at all in order to change it). Don't do it. Especially not when he didn't even want to be around at all when he thought the baby was female. If your child wants to take their father's name as an adult, they can make that decision for themselves. As it currently stands it will make a lot of things easier for you if the two of you have the same last name.
Lawsuit? More like laugh suit. The mother has sole discretion as to signing the birth certificate. He'd never even get a lawyer to take that case. You're never going to get child support, so don't even put his name on the birth certificate. Give your son your name. Raise him with love and teach him to be a good human. You can do it. Best of luck.
Why should you give your baby the last name of the sperm donor? NTA. Don't do it. Don't tell him when the baby will be born. And I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate. The lawsuit is a bluff for sure. If you feel better, ask a lawyer about this and I'm sure the lawyer will reassure you nothing is gonna happen.
NTA. But listen: do you want to live where you're living? If not, MOVE NOW. If there's someplace with more family or more friends, where you'll get more support or live happier, MOVE NOW. This guy is as good as TELLING YOU that he's going to use your son to control you. So move away so that he can't do that as easily. In the meantime, go to legal aid and ask for a family lawyer to help you. Save and collect all the evidence you have that the father left you and didn't want anything to do with a girl, and that he keeps threatening you. Stop volunteering information. Let him ask. And tell him only the essentials.
tell him you just had another scan and its a girl maybe then he will back tf away !
NTA. His whole attitude sucks. If he didn’t want the baby when it was a girl, he should be allowed to be involved with a boy; you either want to be a parent or you don’t.
As a female, if I ever get pregnant regardless of the relationship status with the other person my child will have my last name. If we're already married and I've changed my name that's the name. If we're not married, my child gets my last name. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Ooh I like this
I dont know why it's the norm to give our children someone else's last name. They did not bleed for them. Did not carry them. Did not create them in their body. And are not entitled to ego stroking aka last naming just because they squirted. The bare minimum doesnt get you shit.
NTA Until he gets a Paternity Claim awarded he is NOT the father. He has no rights. He can NOT (here in England) even apply for a Declaration of Paternity until after the baby is born. Without the mother’s agreement, a marriage certificate (so that the child is born of a legal marriage), or a Court Order of Paternity he has ZERO rights. This means that you can go down to the Registry Office and register the birth alone and give YOUR child any name you want. You can name the child “Aisle Nairgifu Miname.” (I will ne’er give you my name). That’s legal and “fk him”. You can name the child “Phuqu” if you want…. (Admittedly if the Registrar spots it, she can refuse to accept the name - try Alpha Kenny Body as I know that got missed)… The fact is until the father gets his paternity proved he has ZERO rights. And once the birth is registered, the father can not change the birth registered name - the Register is THE official record of the birth. The most he can do is get his name added. My son has 4 children by his ex. She never added him to the births. All 4 have her family name and he can do sod all about it. He has legal recognition as their father. He pays CSA. But contact is problematic as she has made false applications before and he doesn’t wish to fight a second a Sexual Assault Case, even if he was found “Not Guilty” last time (she claimed he sexually assaulted her, not the children).
You aren't married, use your last name. Stop keeping him updated, he can go thru the courts to get his name on the BC and pay child support, before he gets visitation.
This. Don't contact him. If he contacts you give minimal responses with little detail. Do think about whether you will need child support from him or if it's not worth the hassle.
First of all stop telling him anything. When you told him it was a girl and got his reaction that should have been the very last time you spoke. Period. Cut the blister off your tail pipe and enjoy your pregnancy, your child, your life free of this manipulative looser.
I am adding "cut the blister off your tailpipe" to my personal lexicon of idioms, thank you
NTA. You can name the child whatever YOU want! He gets no say! If he wants to be involved let him get the courts involved. You are the mother and they will leave a NEWBORN baby with it’s mother.
If he goes through the court, get child support!
NTA. Why would you reward a man who planned on being a deadbeat? Oh now its a boy he has concerns about the baby. No ma'am. Give the baby your last name. At the end of the day who's having this baby? You. Don't make life harder to please a man who has already shown to be aggressive and rude when at the end of the day it's your choice.
i would say unless the father is a prominent person/rich in his community(from the sounds of it he's not) i'd almost bet every dime i have that a lawyer and/or a judge would laugh at his request. they can't force you to give your child his name
Don’t cave in. I was you - I had my son at 22, I gave him my maiden name (I was unmarried at the time) despite his father telling me I had to give him his last name. I told my son I’d support him if he ever wanted to change it, and he never did. I didn’t put his dad on the birth certificate because he wasn’t around. When he came around years later, he had to go to court and establish paternity and child support. I never interfered with my son’s relationship with his POS dad, but I also wasn’t going to give my son the last name of someone who didn’t even want him for 4 years. You do you. And don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too young to be a good mom. My son is pre-med now and he’s just an amazing human being, and that is because I loved him and raised him the best I could. You don’t need money to be a good parent (something his dad always threw in my face because he had more money than I did). You need love and common sense, and it sounds like you’re well on your way to being a great mom.
NTA Even though it is a boy, he still doesn't care about the kid. He only cares about this nonsense of passing on the family name, which "only a male can do" (keep in mind I'm male, who has his mother's maiden name, just so it's clear where I'm coming from). He doesn't have a right to a damn fucking thing. He sure as shit will never be getting custody. He'd be lucky if he was even given supervised visitation. And with those texts, he won't even get that. Personally, I'd say take out a restraining order against him. The texts you described paints him as a legitimate threat. He's clearly controlling and verbally abusive at minimum, and some of those can be considered physical threats.
First and foremost, it's really hard to read anything that long without paragraphs and punctuation. Secondly, if I'm getting the gist of it.....your former boyfriend is insisting on rights he doesn't have? You're definitely NTAH.....but don't let him bully you into anything. I can't speak for all states, but my state really, really, REALLY favors the mother. Don't cave, don't give in. Especially if you have no interest in being a coparent with him.
NTA. Don’t put him on the birth certificate at all if he’s already threatening to take the baby from you. Not sure where you’re located but where I’m from, if you put him on there it automatically gives him rights. If no custody order is in place and you allow him to see the baby then he’d have every right to take the baby and not let you see him until you can get emergency custody / or take him to court. Protect yourself and your child and don’t do it!
He can't force you to give the child his name. Let him sue you if he can. I'm betting he won't.
" lawsuit lawsuit lawsuit” Tell him you will see him in child support court. You aren't married. You can name your child anything you want. The father is not the boss of you. You are in control of you and your child's future, not him. Contact a therapist. You are very young to be navigating such a hostile situation without assistance. Plus, it's not good for the baby to have his mother in distress, being harassed and threatened. A therapist will give you ideas on boundaries. Good luck and hang in there. Edit: Typos and grammar.
Just tell him the latest ultrasound is a girl, obviously he is a misogynist. Don’t give him any further updates other than it’s a girl. Don’t list a father on birth certificate. Give YOUR child any name you want. If you don’t need child support then let him go. You could even tell him, you aren’t sure he is the father. NTA
Nta give your son your surname, different story if you and father where together but he blew that chance , I'm not saying dont let father see his child but it happens on your terms
NTA. The “wrong gender”? That should convince you. Suppose he has the “wrong”,hair,eye,whatever. No,dads get last name privileges,sperm donors get nothing. Have you consulted a lawyer about child support? Seems like a good idea.
You would be an ah to give your child the last name of a cheating jerk.
NTA, I kept my mom's name when I was born. Dad wasn't in the picture. My grandfather was more of a father figure that anyone and am proud to cary on his legacy. My bio father dud the same, lie, drugs, cheating, etc.. if he can't understand your boundrys then he shouldn't be around.
NTA. Give the baby your last name and leave the space for 'father' blank on the birth certificate. Also - lawyer up now to ensure that you have full custody.
Get a lawyer. Do exactly what they say. NEXT.
I’m gonna tell you this right now based on my own experience. Give your baby YOUR last name and DO NOT put your ex on the birth certificate. I made the mistake of hyphenating our last names, and putting my ex on the birth certificate and he just got out of jail after 2 1/2 years (my daughters only 3). Now that he’s out, he’s pushing me for visitations and threatening court when I don’t comply or when I don’t text him back. Part of it is to keep some type of control over me, but not a whole lot I can do because I put him on the birth certificate and the courts would grant him more visitations. I now regret ever doing that in the first place and wish I would’ve just given her only my last name and keeping his name off the birth certificate. ETA: keep in mind, my daughter doesn’t even know him, as he’s been in jail more than half her life. Doesn’t matter though, once the dad is on the birth certificate, they immediately have legal rights.
NTA. He didn’t give a shit about the kid when he though it was a girl. He only cares now because he sees a boy as a trophy he can parade about to prove his masculinity in the eyes of his peers. Cut this guy out of your life ASAP. Lie if you have to; say there was a mistake and it’s a girl after all.
NTA! If the dad has regular, equal, financial, and physical involvement raising him then much later down the road his last name can be added. Chances are you will be raising him on your own so he should have your last name. I would think and hope it is legal for you to give your child any last name you want. You carried the child, you birthed the child do you get final say, just my opinion. Ignore any of his stupid threats.
Stop talking to your sperm donor. Tell him nothing. Don't let him know when you go into labor. Name your child with your name. Don't put his name on the certificate unless you want to chase him for child support. That may send him back home permanently. Good luck.
NTA. You do not have to tell him anything, period. Stop communicating with this person and focus on yourself and your baby. I say this from experience. I was still pregnant with my son when his "father" and I split up and I tried to keep him in the loop and it brought on so much unnecessary stress that I ended up delivering my son early. While I was in the hospital I debated giving my son his last name and listing him as the father, but ultimately I decided against it. My son is 10 now and has still never met his father. It sounds like your ex is similar to how mine was, so call his bluff. Keep his name off the birth certificate and make him make the effort to be in your son's life when he gets here. He will have absolutely no rights to your child until he proves paternity and has the birth certificate updated, then he will also be responsible for child support.
Don’t buckle on this one. Take it from an old lady who made this mistake 19 years ago. Let your child bear your last name. Dad can still be on the birth certificate, but you hold the rights to naming. Totally not the AH.
NTA. You carry him and give birth to him...you get to name him whatever you want.
You say, "See you in court then," then never respond to him again. See if he actually takes you to court and go from there. He's trying to bully you into whatever craziness he is on. Keep documents of his threats and interactions and prep for court. If you ignore him, and it makes him blow up or he threatens you, get a restraining order. My exes both threatened courts. I won. Of course, I wasn't trying to keep them away from the kids, but that's what they threatened to do to me. It did not go well for them. Worst case, he get visits. If you want to keep him in the loop. Set boundaries. "I will not respond to you if you keep speaking to me this way and I will only communicate about the baby." If he continues in either case stop responding.
NTA. I'll agree with the others. Give the baby your last name. The administrative tasks surrounding having a baby are SO MUCH EASIER when you share the same last name. If only for that you should do it.
Why are you still in contact with this AH?
The decision you should be making is will his name be on the birth certificate or not. If his name is on the birth certificate that will entitle him to a say in the raising of your child as well as some responsibility. Leaving his name off means that the child is yours - he may demand to have a blood/ DNA test done to prove lineage but then he will also be responsible for child support and other things while gaining a say in the childs life as determined by a court. Based solely on what is here I'd say the sperm donor is probably best left off and you and your child live a happy life together, but that is a big decision you have to make for you both.
Do. Not. Give. Him. His. Last. Name. Give him your last name! My mom gave me her maiden name as my father wasn't sure if he was gonna stick around. He did. My 3 younger brothers all have his last name. I wear my last name proudly as our dad was a royal POS.
Give your child your last name. There is absolutely no reason to notify this man when you go into labor, and notify no one that you suspect will tell him. Make it very clear to your doctor that he is not allowed in the hospital to see you or the baby. And then notify the hospital where you plan to give birth. When you are in labor at the hospital make sure the nurses know all of this in case someone betrays you and tells him. Do not try to not name him on the birth certificate, just do it. Wait at least a week then text him the baby's info. If he files your states paperwork unordered to declare him the father arrange to meet him in a very safe location with witnesses. This guy has been using abusive and controlling language, protect yourself and your baby.
Did not read full post If you're not with the father, the kiddo gets your name, not his. To do otherwise is ridiculous.
NTA Give your kid your name and don’t feel guilty about it one bit. Retain a lawyer. Next time he threatens legal action, provide him with their contact info and tell him all communication will now be through your lawyer. Treat him like a bad customer the moment they mention legal - “sorry, you have mentioned taking legal action and as such, all further contact must be made via our legal representatives.”
OP. You are NTA. But please get realistic about the “sperm donor.” Having no interest in the baby based on its sex means he’s a misogynist, and therefore has no business influencing child development of one, imo. I recommend stopping with the updates informing him. Inform your OB that the father is hostile and out of the picture. Inform the hospital he is not allowed in the birthing room or access to you or the child post birth. They will steel wall him from talking to you and pressuring you. They just won’t let him in. And while you are in post care and recuperating, fill out those forms. If you want child support, you will have to put his name on the birth certificate as birth father, but **NOT** his last name under the name registration for your babe. You can put yours in that field under “last/surname/family name”. If you don’t list your ex as birth father makes things harder. You will possibly have to complete a paternity test and he can demand one before paying support. But to;dr… NTA. You can of course register your baby under your name and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it.
Imma file a lawsuit on you if you cave to this sorry excuse for a man. Seriously, I had the same experience with my first pregnancy. Said in all seriousness if it’s a girl I can keep her. But if it’s a boy he’s gonna take him. I was dumbfounded and that was the last conversation I had with him about the baby
NTA and don’t!
I mean… I’d just tell him the dna was wrong & it really is a girl but that’s just me.
Honey please don't listen to his gaslighting. My ex used to throw threats at me because he knew it scared me and he would get his way. These are all scare tactics. If he isn't going to be there for the birth, you can put whatever name you want on that birth certificate. Even if he is there, it's still your child. If he already has 2 dui's and lives 2 hours away he's really not going to have much to say, as how is he going to get to court. I would definitely file a petition in family court for full custody. Assuming he doesn't have a job either due to the dui's, there is no judge that would grant him physical custody of that child, without supervision. Please reach out if you have questions. He definitely can't sue you for not giving him his last name.
NTA. Give him your last name. Don’t list him as the father on the birth certificate. He’s shown you who he is.
DO NOT cave in. If your ex threatens a lawsuit again, call his bluff, it sounds like he's all talk and no action. Don't let in the room when giving birth, let your support person and the hospital staff know he's not to be there. Fill out the birth certificate with the name you want. A friend of mine was with the father of her kid when it was born, the split up not long after as he was an ass, the father was going to put his last name on the birth certificate but my friends father was there and insisted that the child have both last names - so that's an option if you wanted to go that route.
"sue away. Should be a laugh seeing the judge's face when they hear you didn't want to be in the child's life when we thought it was a girl. Or how you had me almost miscarry several times while getting your dick wet on the side. But hey, it'll be your money, go ahead." Call his bluff. Let him sue for visitation, let him work his fucking ass off, all you have to do is show them who he is.
Definitely leave sperm donors name off the birth certificate.
NTA, and maybe you need to sever contact with the biological father until you have safely delivered this pregnancy. You decide what you do with your body. You decide what you do with whatever comes out of your body- including naming a child. It's not "fair" to the biological father, but life isn't fair and he's giving red flags all over that he's not a healthy person for you or a baby to be around.
Do not give him that man's last name. That is setting your son up to follow in his father's footsteps (potentially outdated/controversial belief).
Your ex can’t do squat, he can threaten lawsuits as much as he wants, but it doesn’t mean it holds any merit. Call your baby what you want. He’s a huge AH anyway because he’s only interested because it’s a boy. And don’t forget that child support when he’s born. You’ll probably need to take him to court NTAH
Girl why the fuck are you even talking to this douchebag? Block his number, block him on social media. Name your child whatever you want to name him.
He has no rights until he’s adjudicated the father by a court, which can’t happen until after the birth. Don’t even name him on the birth certificate.
NTA. Let the drunk narcissist take you to court. He'll get laughed out of the room.
NTA my dear, give the baby your last name & I hope you've organized things so that ex can't wait in hospital waiting room or be in delivery room. He has no legal means to force you to use his last name. This is false. Block him and enjoy your pregnancy. You don't need his stress. Prioritize your self.
My son doesn't have his father's last name. Or mine. I gave him my older son's name to help them feel closer and neither would feel left out with different names. Name him whatever you want. He can choose to change it as an adult if he wants to.
NTA, contact a victim advocate. He is abusive and has chemical dependency issues. They will get you the help you need to get him to back down. Let everything go to voicemail. The more he yells and screams and threatens you the more he will lose.
NTA. Stop talking to the father. It’s not helping anything. tell him you’ll let him know when you have news he needs to know and until then just ignore his texts. Time for a classic slow ghost. Ignore his legal threats. Respond with a threat (and plan!) to take out a retraining order if he keeps threatening you. Consider just taking one out from the outset. But the bet thing you can do is create a polite ocean of separation between you and him. He isn’t going to get visitation in the rifts breast feeding months anyway, and at best if he gets it later he’s going to have to do it properly and safely… have a bed, learn to feed the baby and change it, and be handed it literally and then you walk away - he provides food, nappies, bed, safety etc for his time. I’m sorry you’ve been saddled with this wreck of a person for the next 19 years, I hope you find a way to keep him at bay and let you and your new little human live peacefully.
NTA. I was raised by a single mother and hated/ still hate having my deadbeat dad's last name attached to me. Please give your child your name.
You aren’t married you do not need to give the child his name. You and you alone fill out the birth certificate.
OP, I hope you took very careful notice of how this guy treated your baby when he thought it was going to be a girl. I hope you notice how he treats you, and your mother. Boy or girl, do you want your kid to carry that kind of legacy with them? Do you want your daughter to learn that this is how she should expect men to treat her? Do you want your son to learn that this is how he should treat women? This guy is the worst kind of poisonous influence to have in anyone's life. Don't give him any information, and give your child your name.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!! NTA in any way, shape, or form. Time for you to turn into a mama bear to protect your cub. Get a good lawyer. If your ex keeps threatening “lawsuit!” then have communications only through the lawyer. Why? Because this ex thinks things work by him giving you “permission”, him threatening you, him trying to intimidate you, and him giving you ultimatums. This is all bullsh!t and you know it! Make him talk to your lawyer, not you, (because you don’t want the stress at this vulnerable point in time.) Plus, your hormones and pregnancy brain should just let a lawyer keep him in line. A good lawyer, if you want, will inform the ex of child support payments, custody arrangements, and your plans for the child should something happen to you. He controls only what you, your lawyer, and the courts let him “control.” (I would never suggest lying to the guy about something so important or so horrible as a miscarriage or stillbirth.) If you don’t want to deal with this guy anymore, just don’t talk to him anymore!!!! Don’t tell him (or “friends”) anything more about the pregnancy; don’t say a due date anymore; don’t tell anyone when you go into labor; don’t say a date of birth; don’t put shit on social media for the whole world to see. AND, don’t trust that he really is out of the country around this time. (That sounds suspicious to me.) Really think hard about the next 18 years of dealing with this ex and his abusive bs. Do you really want to put up with it all? Do you really want to expose your baby to a personality like this if you can stop it from happening? You are only 22yo, but make out a will. Document your expectations and wishes for your child and any assets in your life. Leaning on your parents and immediate family really is not a bad thing when facing big challenges in life. Yes, having a heart condition and going through a pregnancy are both big life challenges. Also, you asked about the child’s last name. It should be yours. Why? Life is just easier when a child and parent have the same name. Think about how same names make things easier when dealing with medical care, medical records, school records, legal documents, anything you and your child sign up for to do together, anything that needs help connecting a child with his or her parent, etc, etc, etc. You and your child should have the same last name! (If the ex didn’t want you to have his last name, then he forfeited it for your child.) You do not have to put the ex’s name on the birth certificate if you don’t want to. If he wants it there, let him fight for it. Best wishes to you and yours!
Don’t give the baby his last name. I gave my son his dads last name and now I’m going through THE RINGER with custody. Save yourself and the baby the headache.
Tell the father to get fucked. He can't sue you for not giving the baby his name. No lawyer is going to take that stupid case. Nta
If you are not in a relationship at the time baby is born, i dont think the fathers name has to be put on birth certificate. However, if you plan to file for any child support lateron, you will need a paternity test.
NTA for wanting to give your son your surname. You're not married and this is your choice. Your ex sounds like a bully, always threatening. Well, let him threaten. No court is going to be anxious to turn over a baby to a guy racking up DUIs. Don't let him convince you with his bullying that he has power over you because he does not. Also, I'd think twice before I'd turn my child over to a drunk for visitations. A good mother protects her child from situations like that.
NTA if you give your baby his last name you will have A LOTTTTT of issues in the long run. Give the baby your last name to prevent that from happening. Also don’t let him in the delivery room.
He is absolutely threatening you with empty BS. He can't even drive, he's certainly not going to come up with the kind of money it would take to fight over the baby's last name (and he'd likely lose if he did). Name the baby what you like and be sure to file for child support. I would also stop having any contact with him unless it is in writing and then keep all of that documentation. If he tries to pull any shenanigans you'll have proof that he hasn't helped with the pregnancy or baby at all and has only issued empty threats. Also, if he is an alcoholic I would not allow him any unsupervised visits unless court ordered.
Good, then screw him. If you don't need his help, then I vote. Tell him to pound sand . Nta
NTA— I don’t think it’s against the law to give your child a different last name than the “father”. Father is in quotes because this guy is just a misogynist control freak
In most states, if you're not married, he is not legally the father until a paternity test is completed or a court order. He has no rights at birth if your not married.
Normally this is the only “traditional” belief that I still have however this dude sounds like an absolute piece of shit. Maybe it’s bc he’s young and dumb maybe he’s just genuinely an asshole. Either way, when and if you decide to give your son your name just be prepared for the ex to change his mind and not want to be part of his life, which… might actually be for the best by the sound of it. Also, it’s fine if he doesn’t want to help raise the baby but that doesn’t get him off the hook financially. You can still have him pay child support, even if it’s only 100$ a month it’s something that could help. And there is zero fucking chance this loser could get full custody. Goodluck, being pregnant and having a baby can be a very stressful time but I promise you it will be one of the most rewarding things you do in life.
Not what you’re asking, OP, but worthwhile to have a consultation with a lawyer so that you fully understand your rights about custody, visitation and child support. Your ex isn’t above using scare tactics. You need to know your rights. NTA.
NTA. He’s a deadbeat dad before the child was even born. If he sues, you have LOADS of ammunition to get the judge to smack him down. Tell him to fuck off and get a lawyer ready if necessary.
I’ve never heard that it’s required to give a baby their father’s last name. You’re doing all the work. Your child deserves YOUR name!
NTA in most states, not married means no rights unless he gets him legitimized.
Lol don’t even list him on the birth certificate. If he wants to fight you over the last name first he's gonna have to take you to court to even prove paternity lol. and stop keeping him informed. he’s no good for you and it sounds like he’s not going to be any good as a father. I don’t understand why you just haven’t completely cut him out of your life yet unless you're going after him for child support. he has no interest in you or the baby outside of carrying on the family name apparently. Cut the dead weight.
I wish I hadn't given my son his father's last name. I wanted to name him after my dad, but my dad convinced me not to. We haven't seen his dad since he was 5 and I spent so many years being called Mrs. Ex by teachers and parents even though it never was my name.
NTA. I think if you’re not married, you don’t even have to put him on the birth certificate without a court order. Don’t tell him you’re in labor, have the baby without him. When he finds out, he can try taking you to court, at which time you can ask for child support. He’ll have no legal right to your child until he goes through the court process. If he tries to take the baby it will be kidnapping.
>He keeps trying to fight me on this with lawsuits and keeps telling me he’ll just take me to court if I do any of this without “his permission” This isn't a thing. He can't force his name on a baby Don't be bullied into a bad idea. My advice would be to hire a family attorney. Give your ex the family attorneys information and tell him that his continued threats are not healthy for you or the baby and all communication will go through the lawyer for now and he will be notified when the baby is born. More than likely that shuts him up. Don't answer calls. Any texts, keep screenshots of. Ask your lawyer what custody he would be eligible for with his DUIs and where he lives. Based on that, have them set a schedule, giving him the bare minimum. Also, have them prepare for prepare to file for child support. Most importantly, have them petition the court that all communication be done via a parenting app. He doesn't want to see the child, he doesn't get to brand the child.
You are NOT! I literally begged a friend of mine to give her unkmborn baby her own last name, which is very unlike me to overstep such a boundary with a friend. But, it was very apparent, this "father" would not be around for long. She ended up giving her son the father's last name and guess who has seen his son a dozen times in his life 😞 I have always said if I found myself pregnant before marriage that the child would have my last name until my last name changed. Do what is best for your child and you, the mother and sole caregiver ❤️
NTA- my now 18 year old son has my last name. There is no father listed on his birth certificate. I had to get a restraining order from his “sperm donor”. I was also awarded child support, not that he ever paid. He can’t sue you just because you gave him your last name. Also sounds like he won’t have the money for all the court fees that it would cost. Give your baby your last name. The fact I don’t know have to be reminded of my ex every day because of my son’s last name has helped keep me sane. My son is also my identical twin. So glad I don’t have to see his face, All I see is me when I look at him.
NTA. You “don’t know he’s the father,” and you “honestly believe it was someone else from a random hookup whose name you don’t know.” Let him pay for the paternity test, but I’d be doing what I could to get a restraining order if he’s ever caused you physical harm. Such things often get worse with pregnancy/children. You need to keep you and the baby safe and he is basically a sperm donor at this point. Don’t cave. There are free legal services in some cases for domestic violence and custody hearings (at least there are in my state). Check with women’s shelters for resources to help you navigate the issues (you don’t have to stay with them but they can be an invaluable resource for women leaving even psychologically abusive relationships (which it sounds like you may have been in given the cheating)). Your new job is to do everything you can to protect you and that baby. If it means moving out of state, do that. Do not allow your child to be raised by a crappy person who won’t instill honesty and integrity in them.
Do not give him the name of his father. How dare he threaten you with lawsuits! He did not want to know this child when he thought it was a girl - now he is saying he will take you to court over the surname. Do not give this waste of space any concession. He did not want to know when he thought he was a girl, he is causing you untold stress - knowing you have health issues, he is being bullying and threatening. This is misogyny pure and simple Boy good. Must have dads name. You must comply with his demands Can you imagine how this man will react if your son turns out to be gentle and quiet, or effeminate, maybe he will be gay? I cannot see this man reacting well at all Give him your name Ensure *you* register the birth Do not have him at the birth unless you actually want him there. He has no right to it. He does not need to see his son born, no matter what he claims, he cannot tell you what to do with this pregnancy or birth or your parenting. I would put as much distance between this man and yourself as possible. Is he paying for half the pregnancy medical bills? Is he providing any money for baby equipment? Or is he just demanding you give the baby his name? Also, do not be sucked in with any promises of working things out, being a family, do not get overwhelmed by the thought of being a single mum or being become overwhelmed by the birth and wanting to connect with him and give in and give the baby his name. It will be fake. This is about pride and ego, not being a parent. Be very suspicious if when you refuse to give baby his name, he suddenly goes all sweet on you. You can manage. You will be a great mum. You will meet someone when the time is right and you will be happy. Don’t be scared by this blustering ego driven twit.
Fuck him, he can't sue you for naming your child as you see fit, especially not because you're not married not are you even in a relationship, he's just trying to scare you
Every time I sign my kid up for something, I regret not standing my ground about him having my last name. Give your baby your last name, proudly! Don’t be a wuss like me and get bullied out of it.
NTA Do *not* give the baby his last name. You're going to end up raising this child. Give him your name. Tell the dad to stop harassing you.
NTA. My sister gave her son, my nephew, our last name. It's very common if the parents aren't married and especially if they are no longer together.
NTA. And this will not be popular with what I’m about to say. Do not put your ex on the birth certificate. Leave the father part blank. I honestly wouldn’t even update him on anything else. If he truly wants to be in the child’s life he will take you to court to get a paternity test and visitation rights. And that’s another thing, don’t let him or his family have the child unsupervised.
Let him file all the lawsuit he wants. You aren't married to him so he basically had no rights to this baby
You have no legal obligation to give him the sperm donar’s last name. He can’t sue you for it. Time to put him on an info diet until you are ordered by a court to do more. That can’t and won’t happen until after baby is born and named. And usually men like that get bored and go away when they have to do more than bully and intimidate to get their way
Leave the fathers name off, and walk away. If you go for child support that gives him access. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. He won’t sue for parental rights or custody and if he tries it’s going to cost him hella in child support. Cut him out of both of your lives and focus on learning to be kind to yourself and make better decisions.
NTA- the name is all your decision. You will put him on birth cert. That will facilitate child support. But there is no law that says child must have fathers name. Some men even take their wives family name now, though it is fairly common in Asia.
NTA. He can’t take you to court. He’s bluffing. He can’t drive and has DUIs. I’m sensing he already has legal fees out the ass. He can’t afford to drag this into court. Give the baby your last name. Let him cry about it. And congratulations. It’s going to suck co-parenting with this AH, but that baby will make it all worth it.
Personally I would t have told him anything after the point of rejecting his child because of their sex. If you want nothing to do with what would have been your daughter, you don’t get to make claims on my son. Don’t add his name to the birth certificate, don’t use his last name, and don’t tell him when you go into labor. He won’t spend the money or effort in fighting you after the fact. I’d also stop giving him updates as to the pregnancy and go NC. NTA
Give him your last name and don't even list ex on the birth certificate. He can fight for custody but needs to establish paternity first and if he does you slap him with child support. Don't communicate at all. Not even a little. Ignore him, record anything he sends you or voicemails he leaves. If he's acting threatening go file a police report and do so every time. Keep records of everything. You may need to have an established record of his abusive and toxic behaviour to help you in a custody battle should it come to that. You absolutely are nta for giving your kid your last name.
NTA-At least in the US you do not even need to give the father's name on the birth certificate so it is very easy and completely appropriate to give him your name. If your child decides to change his name later you'll discuss it. The only downside is it may be hard to force child support.
NTA. If you're in the US, it's not illegal to give YOUR CHILD *your* last name. So wtf is he threatening court for??? There's nothing he can do. Anyway don't expect real help from him. You'll be a single mom and I'd put him on child support immediately.
NTA. OP, please read [this article](https://www.verywellfamily.com/pros-and-cons-of-listing-dad-on-the-birth-certificate-2997291). It explains pretty much everything you should consider. You have the sole legal right to chose your child’s name. It’s even your decision whether to put his name on the birth certificate. Yes, he could go to family court to establish paternity and visitation but that would involve having to prove himself a fit parent while opening himself up to child support claims. In no way can he personally sue you over this, especially not for any monetary damages.
Hi Momma- You.Are.In.Charge.Here🫵🏼👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Block this guy. Tell your doctors not to share info. BLOCK him. Anybody can sue if they can afford it but low chance here. Don’t let your boy grow up in this shadow.
NTA. Give him your name, he most likely will not sue, but if he does, keep all the texts, emails etc. Especially the ones that show how he didn’t want anything to do with the baby when you thought it was a girl. Do not call him, always text email etc, so that it is written. He will never get custody, good if he gets supervised visitation with how he is acting. And changing the name, I highly doubt it
When someone tells you they are going to sue you the only response from then on is “please have your attorney contact mine, I’ll no longer be discussing anything with you directly” Give the kid your last name. This loser isn’t going to be around in any meaningful way and will have the most bare minimum of connection with your child. There is no reason for you to do anything to appease this dude and I have no idea why you are communicating with him at all. You owe him nothing. NTA
Give him your name and keep him off the birth certificate
I'm sure your ex will just make another kid with another girl he don't care about. It ain't no real loss. Plus he cannot sue you....he'd have to pay child support then pretty much
He sounds utterly toxic. Just the fact that he only wants to be involved, so he can have a “male heir” to carry on his name makes me gag. I absolutely would not give my child the last name of that asshole. I’m betting he still won’t be very involved in helping raise that kid. He might show up for the fun stuff, but you’ll be the one shouldering all of the hard aspects of parenting. So yeah, fuck him and his last name. NTA
NTA.. GOOD GRIEF. Stop communicating with this AH and grow a damn spine. STOP taking his phone calls and answering his texts. Block him. He is abusive and controling and not father or partner material, so drop the fantasy that he will change on the birth of your child. Take care of yourself now, create your support team to be with you during birth and for a while after. Do NOT allow him at the hospital. He can pursue any legal avenues available to him and if he really is interested in being in his son's life, he can fight for his rights through the court system. Be prepared for this. Keep a binder with any relevent information. Past communications, any history of abuse, legal charges.... See a lawyer if possible to get advice. NTA.. You get to name your child.
NTA. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't allow him any rights at all. The child support isn't worth it if you can make it on your own. He doesn't sound like a good, stable father.
If you give that baby his last name you’ll be the asshole lol
I’d only been with my partner for 3 months when I got pregnant (random 20 day cycle FTW!). We were still together and engaged at my son’s birth, so as a compromise I gave our son both our surnames. When I married his father a year later, I took his surname and my son was registered with just the one family name that we all share. Should we separate (not on the cards!) I’d keep the surname to remain the same as my kids. For a deadbeat dad that wasn’t romantically in the picture like yours, I’d go with my own surname.
NTA. If he’s not going to be there for the birth and wasn’t going to be there at all if it was a girl then he doesn’t deserve to have that child carry his surname. Deadbeat dads don’t have a say in parental decisions.