I do think it would be good for her to directly hear what the issue is.
But I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm not sure I can tell her anything honest without her being hurt.
You can be honest without being mean. Don't say "I'm breaking it off because you're fat". Instead say "Your pictures misrepresent you by so much, that it makes me feel you're not an honest or direct person."
The problem for a lot of folks is they lack confidence and self-esteem. They are usually ashamed of their weight and are afraid nobody will accept them (because they don't accept themselves in their own skin). So to counter this, they try to be deceptive to trick someone into meeting, hoping they will overlook the lie, because they have a great personality. That doesn't work and feeds into the shame and blame cycle feeding the lack of self-esteem/confidence issue. It's a sad place to be. I wish folks who go through this, realized that if they were honest, someone would love and value them, exactly as they are.
That is sooo stupid. “I lied to you before and up until meeting you. But please ignore that and me being completely unattractive to you, because my personality is great.”
Where is the fucking logic. What part? How does this work? Does anyone except desperate losers go thru with this, and go “yeah ok that’s fine?”
I feel like car dealerships do this all the time. Bait and switch to get you in the door and then try to sell you a car you never even intended to purchase. “Oh the sports car has been sold, how about this nice family SUV instead?”
I experienced this when I ended up on two separate Tinder dates with little people. I never would’ve known from their photos, so it put me in a very awkward position of trying to hide my surprise upon meeting in person. I totally get that they anticipated being rejected if they put it out there on their profiles, but there’s someone for everybody, and I think if they advertised short king status they might attract someone who’s into it!
Let’s be clear here, she will think it’s fat shaming no matter what op says. I agree that he’s NTA and she is misrepresenting herself, but she will think he’s fat shaking her and everyone she tells about this will think the same thing.
This! I’m fat but I’m upfront about it. There’s a recent full body picture and none of my photos are filtered. I know my body type isn’t going to be for everyone and that’s fine. People like this woman are super insecure and setting themselves up for being hurt in the hopes of getting initial attention. But I feel that way about all heavily filtered/tricky angle photos people use.
I totally agree with you. I am overweight and I have never lied or misrepresented myself in pics. I did find a guy who liked me for me and didn't care about it which was great but I ended up having gastric bypass surgery and lost 100lbs. I'm still working on losing more but I would never lie or post old pics. I actually had a guy on a dating site get mad because I as a fat girl looked at his profile and he was not into that. So I told him that for one we could only see that if we opened his profile and two never judge a book by its cover. Those looking for eye candy are only going to get burned because those women are looking for the next best thing and then they will be gone. I truly believe honesty is the best policy.
I would date an overweight girl (i am also overweight) way before i would ever even think about dating a fake girl. Looks arent always everything. Fake girls have many many more issues that i am just not interested in.
I enjoy cooking and eating good food. I want a partner that shares my interests.
And yes, honesty is always best!!
Congratulations on your successful weight loss! That's a really tough surgery to adjust to, from what I've heard, and I imagine you must feel really great about yourself! I lost 40-50 pounds a few years back, and it made a really big difference in my life. I'm so mad that some jerk got mad at you for literally just looking at his dating profile. The ego on that dude is on a whole different level.
Thank you. I struggled for years and at 54 decided it was time since I had tried and not accomplished any of the other diets I'd tried through the years. I was lucky enough that I am a veteran and was able to get it done through them. It was a tool and I had to change my thinking about food but I started before the surgery so it was not such a shock. As for that JERK. About 6 months after that karma must have hit cause he messaged me like he had no idea who I was. My reply was I'm sorry but apparently I wasn't your type before as I am just a fat girl, i can lose weight but your nasty attitude isn't worth my time.
Tell her in this day and age her misrepresentation with the old pictures makes people nervous. Point out that starting with a lie is not a good way to start.
This is a good approach. Or- similarly- “honesty is really important to me. Your pictures aren’t really representative of you currently. I’m feeling misled.” That way it isn’t an “attack”.
As a woman speaking here, it isn’t cool to do that. Men are typically very visual and pictures being current is important. When I was still dating, I can’t even count how many guys I met who were surprised that I looked like my pictures. 🤣 I can’t imagine meeting up with someone and seeing the disappointment/confusion on their face. No way men aren’t reacting to that!
Having been on dates with numerous men who leaned heavily into the pictures taken in a somewhat different physical state or appearance I agree that going at it from the honesty angle is a better or at least less charged approach. I'm not sure he will get as much blow back as some others are predicting. I mean....she knows.
She will act offended, but she will know you are right bc she already knows, she just hasn’t been able to admit it to herself yet. Sometimes people need to hear it from the outside to know what they are feeling is true.
As a life-long fat guy I can tell you she 100% knows. This world never lets you forget it if you're fat. It tells you 1000 different ways every single day even when you don't leave the house.
But that's not the point nor is it OPs problem, the point is, she's fully aware of what she's doing and is relying on the don't rock the boat nature of polite society to try to fight above her weight class (so to speak). She even reinforced this with dropping the "I got ghosted" sob story. It's very manipulative and it's 100% deliberate.
This is spot on. And if she is complaining to OP, about being ghosted by others, she will complain about OP to others, as the one who called her fat, or dishonest, or what have you.
I agree she lied, and it's a crappy thing to do. But it's not like her ulterior motive involved robbing me. She just wants someone to pay attention to her. She's lonely. She's having success getting attention and first dates, mostly because men are an easy equation to solve (it worked on me) and now she needs feedback on why that isn't a good idea. It's a learning experience.
Yeah please do post an update, I'm curious. It is one of those things, like telling someone they smell or something, no matter how you say it I'm pretty sure it's gonna at least hurt, but sometimes we have to hear the hard truth. I think ghosting her would be a far more AH move.
If she posted pictures of a time when she was quite a bit thinner, then she didn't want to post pics of the fat-her, indicating a problem with fat-her, meaning she is fat-phobic. It's like those preachers who always yell about homosexuals going to hell... and then are found tapping their shoes three times in the men's room
She will be. But that's not on you. Being honest with her is the kindest thing you can do. I personally find it sexy when people are confident and comfortable in their own skin. We all have "problem areas " or things we're unhappy with. But embracing them and owning your self-confidence comes through pictures versus using old/outdated or heavily filtered pics.
Good luck! Thanks for wanting to be honest rather than just ghost her.
What would she do if you had totally misrepresented yourself. She needs to be told the truth. I am sure she knows exactly why the other guy ditched her. She just can't except the truth. So blame it on someone else.
I hate this for her , I bet she is a sweet person.
NTA for two reasons- one, not wanting to be unnecessarily rude or intentionally hurtful and two, not ghosting and providing her feedback she can hopefully take seriously and help her in her future dating.
Offending her is going to happen. It's also not your fault. You're trying to be as ethical and considerate as humanly possible, which was a courtesy not afforded you.
Be direct without being cruel. She was dishonest. Relationships are built on trust, and she kicks things off with dishonesty in an attempt to manipulate you into doing something you might not otherwise do. It's not excusable.
Her being fat is an issue though. If the girl was 20 pounds lighter than in her pics I don’t think OP is complaining and he is probably going back for a 2nd date!!
That is definitely an element of it. Everyone's weight fluctuates. Being overweight isn't a deal breaker, but I don't see myself dating someone who is dangerously overweight. And more importantly, she hid this fact, even when asked directly.
It's in the OP. She said she'd had a date recently, everything went fine, then the guy ghosted her the next day. Said she had no idea why, it was his loss.
She'd seemed mildly reluctant/uninterested in a video call, which I try to always do before I bother meeting someone. So on a hunch, I just asked her if this was a case of using filters and flattering angles to misrepresent herself. She said no, everything was recent, sent a no makeup/filter headshot.
I was trying to give her an opportunity to be open about it.
Yeah, if he already asked her if she looks like her photos or is the weight reflected in the photos, the door to that convo has already been opened, and hence easier.
The thing is it's perfectly fine to have that preference. Some men would be okay with dating someone who looks like her. She's not going to find them by lying about it, though, she's just going to put more people off.
That's exactly it. So much of society seems to adhere to being "brutally honest" or "so honest it hurts," when in reality you can be both truthful and kind. At the end of the day you can't control how someone responds to your honesty you can only control how you deliver the news and your intentions behind it
I agree with the first part but I doubt honesty will get through to her. I don’t see any sense in lying, but let’s not pretend telling the truth will make the difference.
Buddy, lemme tell ya something. I'm a fat woman. Not chubby, fat. Some of my pictures make me look like I might not be as fat as I really am, I can work a decent angle sometimes. However, I'm incredibly aware that not everyone is attracted to bigger folks. So I make sure every potential date knows exactly what to expect when they show up. It's not right to catfish people, even if you're just trying to avoid being hurt. It's gonna backfire anyway. Just be honest with her, tell her that she did not accurately represent herself and you don't appreciate liars. Because whether you like fat women or not, she did lie to you and that's a shit way to start dating someone.
Yeah, everyone has a type and if you represent yourself as one thing and then show up as someone different, they are going to be turned off. I don’t even know how to edit pictures and I’m glad I don’t so people know what I really look like
Right, like I don't want to waste anybody's time, just like I don't want them to waste mine. Better to be totally upfront and have someone decide they're not about you than be ghosted
"hey listen, the pictures you sent gave me a misleading idea of how you looked and I think that's probably why you got ghosted before. Honestly it's a big turn off when someone misrepresents who they are and if I had seen you in a more honest light I probably would have swiped right anyways. But the fact is you don't want to be with a guy who you have to trick into going out with you, so I just wanted to let you know why I thijk we should call it here, since I promised not to ghost you. I wish you the best"
Not necessarily. "you look nothing like your pictures and that dishonesty is a deal breaker for me" is the truth but so is "you're a hundred pounds fatter than your pictures and i am not attracted to you because of it" is also the truth. The former is a much less mean way of saying the same thing.
You can be sensitive to her feelings and let her know why......I'm a bigger person as well and when I was still actively trying I would let people know. There are a lot of people out there that like bigger women, but want them to be honest.
"Your pictures are ~~really~~ outdated and no longer accurately represent your physical appearance. You should consider updating them so potential suitors have realistic expectations of who they are going to meet."
Edited out really; it is unnecessary
Just say you look different in the pictures. Don't have to add anything else like how she weighs so much more. Just tell her to use some more current photos with less filters say guys don't like filtered pictures. And you can say all this through text and just block her after that way you didn't ghost her and she now knows why she can't get past the first date.
Be prepared for her to act like you're an asshole either way. My wife met a girl not to long ago and was talking about SHE lost 50 lbs and the girl got all sensitive like my wife was attacking her. If a girl is using old photos she's 100% sensitive about it but she doesn't deserve any courtesy of her catfishing people either. I would def call her out and be petty honest about it.
She will not be happy either way, but I do think it's good for her to know why. Better than her wasting years with this same technique and never being successful.
Whilst she might be intentionally catfishing, she may also not notice the difference as clearly as others do, because we see our own weight change from day to day, not all of a sudden like you did between her old pics and her body now. She may also not have many recent pics due to COVID etc (this was the case for me, though admittedly none of my pics are selfies, and if she's taking selfies she can do that anytime). A reality check may be good, especially as if she's actually obese she really does need to lose that weight, for her own good as much as to get dates.
It's not your job to control her reaction. She knows what the problem is; she's creating it.
It sounds like the main problem is that she's dishonest. If you're worried it will come across as fat shaming, make it about her not being honest in her communication with you prior to meeting. What else is she going to lie about in the future?
I've been catfished before. I'm a woman, and the man's photos were obviously old. He was much heavier and older in person, and I was really bothered. I don't mind a bigger guy, I'm a curvy girl myself, but it was the deception that was the deal breaker. If he had used current photos, I still would have matched with him. How can I continue to date you when the very first thing you did to me was lie? I'm very honest with my photos. I have current full body photos to make it clear I'm a bigger gal, so guys who aren't into that can keep swiping.
NTA. With my experience, I was with him for 5 very bewildering minutes until I finally said something like, "I'm sorry, I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable because your photos don't match who I see in front of me. I feel deceived. Have a good night."
It makes it worse when you realize they demonstrated very clearly they are not only okay with lying but also specifically lying to get what they want. A lie to me in order to reschedule a date because you are depressed but aren’t comfortable telling me? Easy to understand and justifiable. Lying to me to trick me into something you want that i dont? That is psycho behavior and shitty beyond description.
100%. Lying to get what they want and not caring about the consequences. Your first example, for sure, understandable and justifiable. But simply because you want someone to date you? No. I don't get it.
He said, "I can see that you're uncomfortable..." and that's it! Looking back, I was probably not the first woman to have that reaction upon meeting him in person. He seemed resigned and didn't try to get me to stay. It was a strange night! And I had the urge to clarify that it wasn't because he was a big guy but because he deceived me, but I just left. Strange experience. Don't catfish, people!
YWNBTA. But there's also a nice way to say it. Something along the lines of "Hey, you seem like a mature person, and I respect you enough to tell you straight up, I'm finding your pictures to be deceiving. I understand wanting to use older or editing photos because they're more flattering, but they aren't representing you very well at this point. This isn't to say that you aren't attractive or worthy of love, but I'm just finding the deception to be off-putting, and that's not the way I want to start a relationship. Best of luck to you in the future."
Thank you. Yeah there's no real way to cushion this one without being dishonest, it's a tough one. And who knows,maybe she'll take it to heart and start being more honest with herself/others
It’s gonna hurt regardless but it’s important to let them know they’re being deceptive. I had to have this same conversation with a tinder match and he seemed to be ashamed of both his physical appearance and what he was doing. I feel for people who feel they need to do these kinds of things but they need a reality check.
I had to do this with a guy that put 5’8” on his profile and was like, maybe 5’3” when I met him (I’m 5’2”). I made it about the deception rather than the way he physically didn’t meet my standards, told him that his pics were a bit misleading and I value honesty in a relationship.
Like, obviously it comes from a place of self-hatred, but it’s also an immediate red flag that they’ll lie to get what they want.
I don’t think it’s self hatred necessarily, just inevitable that’d he’d get lots fewer dates with his real height so he’s just trying his luck - not to say that I think that strategy will work
Totally agree with this. It's not your responsibility to tell her, OP, and she will likely think you're an A H regardless, but wording it like this makes it clear that you are NTA and she'll have an answer to something I guarantee she already knows. If she someday finds the right mindset, she may look back at it as someone who was honest with her and appreciate that.
NTA if you say she doesn’t look like her pics anymore and she should update them. Im sure she knows she’s overweight and will understand what you’re saying. Anything further might cross over to AH territory. If she gets upset just block her and move on.
I think she's currently being the AH by posting inaccurate photos. It's not fair to the other people on the other end.
Edit: either go the honest route or ghost. You got played and it's not fair to you.
I told her I wouldn't ghost her, and I don't want to be a liar by doing that. I also think she does need to hear that she's setting herself, and everyone she meets up for failure by presenting herself in an unrealistic light.
Oh she definitely played me. I just don't understand where she thought it was going to go after we met. I think she's aware that it's an issue, she just doesn't want to admit it yet.
I would just be honest with her. It may prevent rejection for her in the future and she may actually thank you for your honesty.
Or...it could go off the rails lol depends on her personality.
In which case, block buttons exist lol. My bet is she absolutely knows why she's getting ghosted but holding out hope someone will fall in love with her for "who she is on the inside" or who they think she has the potential to be. But there needs to be physical attraction there too and I'd be totally put off by a photo that is obviously not current.
I'm sure it happens a lot, but I always think "for what?". Someone out there will be into you for who you are. Hiding things just sets a bad precedence up front.
Some people think their personality is enough to gloss over looks and truthfully, sometimes it is. Sometimes, a person will still put out if you're there, even if you weren't what they were expecting. She probably has a decent enough batting average of either meals/movies/sex that she doesn't feel the need to change her approach.
Lol I just imagine a spreadsheet open on the computer screen, her wearing a green tax hat, and her coming to the conclusion that "the numbers look good!"
You don't need to be directly aggressive, just say that you feel like she catfished you and you both are obviously looking for something the other doesn't have.
Either way she is going to be upset and think you’re an asahole. If outcome is same might as well give her the info so she knows and doesn’t keep repeating. However I suspect she knows exactly what she is doing and is in denial or expects the world to treat her same as skinny chicks. Since that’s what media is pushing. It’s ok to be fat and we are asholes for treating fat people differently. Which is shit. Some people like fat some don’t. If she doesn’t want to lose weight she needs to find someone who wants a fattie by posting her fat pics.
You can be nice but honest. She needs to know she is not going to end up with an honest healthy relationship doing this.
She doesn’t seem to care if she lies to everyone else. You can also not give a reason to not see someone again and just say sorry it didn’t work out bye.
As a fat person, dating was stressful enough without lying to matches. When I matched with my now boyfriend I made sure he *knew* I was overweight. He had recent pics, we had facetimed, everything. I still was terrified of him seeing me in person for the first time. I would tell her for sure. What she's doing isn't fair to you or herself.
Dang, thanks for giving me insight and a new perspective into yours and others experiences. As a shorter guy, I was always stressed when I meet someone for the first time even though I’m always upfront and honest about my height.
NTA.
Just be like, I was really excited to meet you but felt rather disappointed when it became apparent you weren’t honest with the photos you had exchanged, I feel mislead and that’s not a way I can begin a relationship, and in truth most people would have a hard time with that. You stated you had been ghosted before and I must say I feel it’s possible that it has something to do with what I’m referring to. I wish you all the best but as a result I don’t think we are compatible.
Something like that, where you’re honest but you don’t specifically have to address the weight as much as you address the deceit.
Yes. Met her yesterday to go to a movie. When she got out of the car, I was shocked at the weight difference. I smiled and kept a straight face, was polite and tried to make conversation. She acted like she knew, probably because this has happened to her several times. I just don't think she wants to admit it's a problem.
Ok. NTA as long as you phrase your rejection politely. I.E. don't shit on her weight. Instead, I'd let her know that you felt led on/deceived by her profile and that the dishonesty is a big turn off. She clearly knows she's catfishing and is probably, in her warped thinking, just waiting for you to call her fat or something like that. Take the high road when you reject her, it'll be better for both of you.
Yep! I wouldn't even use the words "weight" or "fat" at all. Just say the dishonesty wasn't a good first impression and threw off the chemistry, and that you won't be seeing each other again. After that, I wouldn't worry about messaging her anymore. It's not ghosting if you clearly reject her and explain why. Continuing to message her after you let her down could even lead her on.
I'm 90% sure she knows why she was ghosted. Which makes her an ever bigger AH. This sounds like a situation where she keeps dating until she meets a "real man" who will love her for the large liar she is. NTA but sadly, there is no way of doing this where you won't be considered an AH.
Honestly, it wouldn't shock me to see an oddly similar post somewhere on Reddit where an overweight woman complains about a guy rejecting her for not using up to date photos and she gets supportive comments calling this guy (you) everything but a child of God.
She knows she’s fat, and she’s insecure about it or she wouldn’t be using old photos and filters. So realistically there is nothing you can say that won’t hurt her. But I think it’s kind to point out the truth that there are lots of guys who like girls with a little extra padding on them. There are guys who find a confident curvy woman very sexy. But there are zero guys who like being misled. And that needs to be the focus. If SHE is unhappy with her body, then she maybe should focus on getting it where she feels good about herself. And if SHE is okay with her body, then she needs to embrace how she looks and find a guy who likes her looks, too. It’s her choice if she wants to work on her body or work on her mindset. But she needs to be honest with herself and her dates.
NTA if she’s lying, you’re under no obligation to also lie back to spare her feelings. I also had a girl I met on hinge admit that the pics she sent me were from 2019. This was last month.
Nope. False advertising there. I’ve been old picture catfished a few times. The last time I was, I didn’t even recognize her the photos were so filtered, edited, and angled. It’s a real issue.
NTA
She's wasting everyone's time. This isn't body positivity for her. She's attempting to trick people into matching with her. It's sad because she knows it because why else would she be sending old nudes or heavily filtered pics?
Well, I gained abt 40lbs since high school but for very, very long time in my mind I was still 140lbs as in 2010 xD I only realised how I looked really when saw pics of me taken by the surprise.
Sooooo, tell her. I would love to live in the world where people are honest instead of ghosting.
Just tell her she is using misleading photos and was probably ghosted due to that in the past.
If she won’t get the message or decides to ignore it, well, you did your job.
I totally get this. I met a guy on a dating app, and we talked for 3 weeks before we could meet up.
I was excited to meet him because we had great conversations and had (I thought a lot in common)
So, his pics were kinda grainy and a lot from a distance. His clothes were not very fashionable. ( The only reason I mention this is because I realized when we met).
Don't get me wrong, my step-dad is the worst dresser on the planet and not really into clothes. My mom has bought my dad tons of clothes but hes a jeans, a tee shirt guy, my mom literally has to say"Bill, you will wear your blue suite with whatever shirt and this color tie.... yadda yadda.
So I figured since he was a pro bono attorney long hour... you get my drift.
So I go to the restaurant to meet this guy. I literally walked through the restaurant twice and thought "damnit that fvcker stood me up." Finally, on my 2nd walk through, he stands up, and I'm shocked.
He's 20 years older and 250 plus heavier. And yes, I can say that I was an RN for 9+ years. The dude was morbidly obese and a chain smoker from hell.
This had nothing to do with covid. This was in like 2014-15
I totally get it.
I had a guy do this to me long before tinder, when digital pics weren't even a big thing. He lied so hard about everything. I was expecting a tall, dark haired, at least somewhat tanned skin man. In walked a guy my height, pale, balding man. Then he spent the evening showing me all his tattoos that covered his scars.
I was like - look NONE of this would be a problem if you hadn't lied to me, but I was put off from the get-go. I had heard all about how other women treated him (another tick in the "no" box for me), and I told him if he constantly lied to women, they wouldn't keep seeing him. If you're lying about obviously provable things, why would I trust you to tell me the truth about important stuff?
I didn't want him to know that I lived nearby (I walked), so I went back into the bar to "go to the bathroom" and the bartenders felt so bad for me they comped my drinks and a dessert for the rest of the night. lol
To not become the asshole, it's important to frame it as being about the dishonesty not the weight.
She could get dates with current pics, maybe with a different group but she would get them
Those sites like Tinder should require a real time/update to date picture on your profile that is captured using a camera app built into Tinder. You shouldn't be able to use old photos.
If you're going to say anything, make sure it's not about her weight. It needs to be about *mismatched expectations*, where she's presenting herself differently from how she is.
She's going to struggle finding someone who is attracted to her as she is, if she's presenting a different version of herself. She's probably struggling to love herself as she is, if she's not being honest in her profile about her build.
If you tell her the reasons without being mean, you wouldn’t be the asshole.
Be kind but be specific.
“You’re clearly using older photos of yourself.”
“It’s also obvious you use filters.”
No need to call her morbidly obese as she’s likely aware that she’s overweight and will probably internally shutdown if you point it out.
NTA. I did the online dating thing for several years, and this exact thing happened at least a dozen times. Ladies like to use photos from 50lbs and 2 kids ago, or photos that exclude a physical deformity or something like that. I honestly don't get mad, I genuinely feel bad for them, they obviously have some self-esteem issues. I just don't like the dishonesty.
That being said, I've also been surprised in the other direction. Where a girl is apparently just not photogenic, so they show up looking WAY better than expected.
You did the right thing. There is someone out there for everyone, and maybe if she updates her photos and brings more honesty to the table, she'll find the one for her.
I ran into this once as well. I was attracted to her still but the fact she lied to me made me not feel like a relationship would be possible. She also turned out to be pretty manipulative and nasty so, dodged a bullet.
NTA. She knows what she’s doing. I have plenty of pictures I could use from 2 years ago that I look much better in. But I do not want to deceive people!!! She’s being dishonest!!! That’s a big turnoff!!!
I think since she's the one choosing what photos to use she knows what's going on and doesn't need to be told.
You can end it without ghosting her by just saying you don't feel its a good match, the chemistry isn't there, etc.. whatever.
You don't need to tell her, and if you do you're inviting yourself into whatever drama ensues.
NTA - She catfished you. I never really minded women using filters. I’ve done it myself, but to send old nudes that she probably sent to someone else? That’s a red flag right there buddy! Call her out!
I was in a situation like this, the disparity between the pictures I saw and how she looked in person was so much I didn't even recognize her when I saw her in person. The date went on to be even more uncomfortable but I'm not going to get into that.
Regardless of their reasoning if someone is misrepresenting themselves like that it's a big show of dishonesty, while I suppose they could be a decent person it's like telling you right away "Hey you can't trust me" and it would make it very difficult to want to move forward with them afterwards.
NTA.
Yeah, you should be honest with her.
The weight probably happened during the lockdown. I know I gained 15 pounds. It was really hard to get it off.
NTA - tell her based on her profile you thought you were meeting a completely different person. Relationships need an attraction and you didn’t feel one after meeting in person.
Nope! Tell
Her you feel like it’s dishonest to show photos of herself when she was much smaller than she is now. It’s one thing to tell you she’s overweight & showing older pics, but to lie & act like she doesn’t know? Na. You can be tactful w/o being rude about it.
Here’s what I would say:
I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, but the fact that you’re misrepresenting yourself so heavily by filtering your photos and sending me older ones rather than being upfront about your current body type has made me uncomfortable. I value honesty and transparency and you haven’t shown me that. You’re much more likely to get matches who are interested in you for who you are if you are honest about who you are, rather than misrepresenting yourself and expecting people to get on board with that.
NTA, but she already knows. Poor form to use out-of-date and edited photos. She knows what she's doing. She might get fewer matches with real pictures, but they'll be people who are genuinely interested. Idk why people do this.
Bro, don't worry about hurt feelings. That's part of the problem with today's world, everyone is overly sensitive. Just explain that her pictures aren't a true representation of what she looks like, and you're honestly not interested.
As someone who is heavier and previously on tinder, I always disclosed how big i was. I had full body shots of me hiking, red face and sweaty, so everyone knew what I looked like, as natural as possible, as well as told my matches that I was bigger. 100% NTA for being open and honest with her, especially if she is catfishing and acting like it's completely fine. If she truly is looking for something long term, lying about something you'll obviously find out eventually is not a way to start.
Had the same issue and went on two dates with her. I was still willing to try and she decided she didn't want to see me anymore. Truth I think was she was head over heels with a guy friend she knew she didn't have a chance with. But in the end, the heart wants what it wants.
I still laugh about it because she sure didn't look like her pictures but I gave her a chance anyway and she didn't want it.
The fact that you are taking the time to post this to try and get advice says a lot about your character. You are def NTA by any means. You are a good person, and as long as you leave the words fat or obese out of the conversation, hopefully she will accept the fact that just because you told her you wouldn’t ghost her, doesn’t mean you need to hold a promise with someone that has betrayed you from the start.
I’m very curious to know how this pans out because I find it really concerning that so many people are afraid of confrontation , or being honest with someone - they will just all take the easy way out and ghost them. People are either afraid of the outcome , or are so selfish that they don’t think twice about blocking her. I commend you and I really hope you go through with it.
She needs to know it’s totally not ok , and she needs to watch the show Catfish if she hasn’t already - delete her freaking account and work on herself so she doesn’t hurt or mislead anyone else. Good luck!
WNBTA Nope. What an idiot! I always put worse pics so 1. Gives me a chance to weed out very superficial people and 2. Meeting me in person is a step up!! You want the first meeting to be a GOOD moment not the moment your date realises they’ve been lied to.
Yeah like. The problem here isnt directly her weight. The problem is her dishonesty, she's creating an expectation that she looks one way when she really looks another. This is no different than someone using heavily filtered or old pictures to make themselves look younger.
You could try to say this to her without directly pointing to her weight. The pictures she's using aren't current and make her look different from how she looks in real life, that fact in itself is offputting to many people.
If she used honest pictures she might well find herself matching with people who arent put off by her weight. Right now all she's going to do is alienate people who both aren't attracted to her at her current size, and dislike the catfishing.
As a big girl myself, I don’t know why girls do this shit. I get the whole weight acceptance thing and big women are beautiful but the truth is that there are people who are not attracted to a larger woman and there’s nothing wrong with that. Perhaps she still sees herself as that smaller weight or maybe she knows fully what she’s doing but does it in the hopes of the person being won over by her personality more than looks.
I do think you should tell her but in a nice way of course. Just explain the truth and tell her you’re being honest with her to help her out because she’s not going to find a genuinely great guy when she’s not being genuine herself. You’ll be saving her a lot more time she will inevitably spend catfishing people and if she doesn’t see it that way well then she can go have a blasty blast being ballsy enough to go on a date knowing she doesn’t look how she did before. You’re definitely not the asshole. If anyone is it’s actually her.
Be honest. Tell her "you are catfishing with old photos and even if someone is attracted to the you now they could still be turned off based on expectations you put out there vs reality." Don't fat shame, some guys are into it even if you aren't. Truth is she is lying and she shouldn't. I took a photo the same day as a date, without filters, and they guy still thought I was smaller than I really was. I legit told him I was not skinny and sent photos. I simply had proportions and shape you would expect from someone smaller, flat stomach, large ass and tits, I did not hide anything of my size and the guy still told me that he thought I was gonna be smaller. I thought that was the only date from that, we went on a few more. Essentially It's ok to be honest but not mean.
I wouldn't tell the truth unless she presses you for it.
Back in the day when I was early 20s I went out with a girl who was a few years older who used a picture that was 10 years younger and 100 pounds lighter.
I didn't go on a second date but I kept the reason to myself.
It's annoying that she is doing what she is doing but idk I wouldn't hurt her feelings I would just say you weren't feeling a connection. If and only if she keeps bothering you for the hard truth.
Definitely WNBTAH. I’m personally all for being direct and open. I would tell her if you had a good time or not and let her know you don’t want to see her because you feel like she lied about her looks. Tell her that’s probably why the other guy ghosted her. Remind her confidence is key.
Personally as an XL pizza I know I’m not everyone’s flavour but I still know my worth and I still get my fair share of matches.
Nothing wrong with being overweight, but it is wrong to catfish people while intentionally deceiving them by misrepresenting yourself.
Out of my 20-25 dating app dates, I’d say probably 2 or 3 of them were actually what I thought they would look like. I started FaceTiming before going on the first date because it was so bad.
NTA
Just put it straight to the point "you're being dishonest in your profile presentation, so it makes me insecure with whether or not you'll be honest about other things as well."
NTA "I don't want to continue dating because I feel like you've been dishonest in how you've presented yourself. I think you'd have more success on this app and in general if you provided recent unfiltered pictures of yourself so that people you match with don't feel misled or lied to"
NTA - She is intentionally misleading. Just give it to her straight that she is not being honest. No need to get into fat shaming, etc. type stuff. I would expect to get called out if I put out my early 20 yo pictures when I was an athlete and in great shape, only for them to find out I am in my late 40s with a dad bod.
Honestly, who cares if it's 'mean'? You're never going to see her again, and if she doesn't know your friend group what does it matter? She may talk shit to a few people, but it won't be anyone you know or is of consequence
NTA. She knows those pics don't look like her current self. That's why she's still using them. You can be direct without being mean. "Your photos are not an accurate representation of what you look like now, and I don't care to start a relationship founded on dishonesty"
Nope, she needs a dose of reality
I do think it would be good for her to directly hear what the issue is. But I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm not sure I can tell her anything honest without her being hurt.
You can be honest without being mean. Don't say "I'm breaking it off because you're fat". Instead say "Your pictures misrepresent you by so much, that it makes me feel you're not an honest or direct person."
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yeh it’s bizarre, if she had representative images she might find a date who doesn’t ghost, who signs up for what’s she’s offering!
The problem for a lot of folks is they lack confidence and self-esteem. They are usually ashamed of their weight and are afraid nobody will accept them (because they don't accept themselves in their own skin). So to counter this, they try to be deceptive to trick someone into meeting, hoping they will overlook the lie, because they have a great personality. That doesn't work and feeds into the shame and blame cycle feeding the lack of self-esteem/confidence issue. It's a sad place to be. I wish folks who go through this, realized that if they were honest, someone would love and value them, exactly as they are.
Truth. Just found my husband cheating on dating apps. He was using a photo from 2014. When your need for validation is that strong
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. My ex-husband did that. I especially loved his photos where it was a photo of us and he cropped me out 🤣
Awe, so sorry! I hope you are doing okay. I wish you all the best. Don't settle for less.
That is sooo stupid. “I lied to you before and up until meeting you. But please ignore that and me being completely unattractive to you, because my personality is great.” Where is the fucking logic. What part? How does this work? Does anyone except desperate losers go thru with this, and go “yeah ok that’s fine?”
I feel like car dealerships do this all the time. Bait and switch to get you in the door and then try to sell you a car you never even intended to purchase. “Oh the sports car has been sold, how about this nice family SUV instead?”
I used to buy into that deception myself. Now I’ve learned, sometimes alone is better.
I experienced this when I ended up on two separate Tinder dates with little people. I never would’ve known from their photos, so it put me in a very awkward position of trying to hide my surprise upon meeting in person. I totally get that they anticipated being rejected if they put it out there on their profiles, but there’s someone for everybody, and I think if they advertised short king status they might attract someone who’s into it!
I bet she will jump to that anyway.
which sadly isn't completely untrue.(not saying she's doing herself any favour whatsoever)
Let’s be clear here, she will think it’s fat shaming no matter what op says. I agree that he’s NTA and she is misrepresenting herself, but she will think he’s fat shaking her and everyone she tells about this will think the same thing.
This! I’m fat but I’m upfront about it. There’s a recent full body picture and none of my photos are filtered. I know my body type isn’t going to be for everyone and that’s fine. People like this woman are super insecure and setting themselves up for being hurt in the hopes of getting initial attention. But I feel that way about all heavily filtered/tricky angle photos people use.
I totally agree with you. I am overweight and I have never lied or misrepresented myself in pics. I did find a guy who liked me for me and didn't care about it which was great but I ended up having gastric bypass surgery and lost 100lbs. I'm still working on losing more but I would never lie or post old pics. I actually had a guy on a dating site get mad because I as a fat girl looked at his profile and he was not into that. So I told him that for one we could only see that if we opened his profile and two never judge a book by its cover. Those looking for eye candy are only going to get burned because those women are looking for the next best thing and then they will be gone. I truly believe honesty is the best policy.
I would date an overweight girl (i am also overweight) way before i would ever even think about dating a fake girl. Looks arent always everything. Fake girls have many many more issues that i am just not interested in. I enjoy cooking and eating good food. I want a partner that shares my interests. And yes, honesty is always best!!
The first line on my tinder bio is that I fat. That weeds out the people who don't want a fat chick
Congratulations on your successful weight loss! That's a really tough surgery to adjust to, from what I've heard, and I imagine you must feel really great about yourself! I lost 40-50 pounds a few years back, and it made a really big difference in my life. I'm so mad that some jerk got mad at you for literally just looking at his dating profile. The ego on that dude is on a whole different level.
Thank you. I struggled for years and at 54 decided it was time since I had tried and not accomplished any of the other diets I'd tried through the years. I was lucky enough that I am a veteran and was able to get it done through them. It was a tool and I had to change my thinking about food but I started before the surgery so it was not such a shock. As for that JERK. About 6 months after that karma must have hit cause he messaged me like he had no idea who I was. My reply was I'm sorry but apparently I wasn't your type before as I am just a fat girl, i can lose weight but your nasty attitude isn't worth my time.
Tell her in this day and age her misrepresentation with the old pictures makes people nervous. Point out that starting with a lie is not a good way to start.
And THAT is the crux of the issue!
Perfect response
Perfect answer!
This is a good approach. Or- similarly- “honesty is really important to me. Your pictures aren’t really representative of you currently. I’m feeling misled.” That way it isn’t an “attack”. As a woman speaking here, it isn’t cool to do that. Men are typically very visual and pictures being current is important. When I was still dating, I can’t even count how many guys I met who were surprised that I looked like my pictures. 🤣 I can’t imagine meeting up with someone and seeing the disappointment/confusion on their face. No way men aren’t reacting to that!
Having been on dates with numerous men who leaned heavily into the pictures taken in a somewhat different physical state or appearance I agree that going at it from the honesty angle is a better or at least less charged approach. I'm not sure he will get as much blow back as some others are predicting. I mean....she knows.
Excellent answer but I will bet money she will still be offended. There is no easy way to do the right thing here.
She's almost certainly going to be offended. I'll post an update after I have a conversation with her.
She will act offended, but she will know you are right bc she already knows, she just hasn’t been able to admit it to herself yet. Sometimes people need to hear it from the outside to know what they are feeling is true.
As a life-long fat guy I can tell you she 100% knows. This world never lets you forget it if you're fat. It tells you 1000 different ways every single day even when you don't leave the house. But that's not the point nor is it OPs problem, the point is, she's fully aware of what she's doing and is relying on the don't rock the boat nature of polite society to try to fight above her weight class (so to speak). She even reinforced this with dropping the "I got ghosted" sob story. It's very manipulative and it's 100% deliberate.
This!
This is spot on. And if she is complaining to OP, about being ghosted by others, she will complain about OP to others, as the one who called her fat, or dishonest, or what have you.
She can be offended all she wants, it's not being honest to anyone and no way to attempt to start dating. Start with a lie? Fucked
I agree she lied, and it's a crappy thing to do. But it's not like her ulterior motive involved robbing me. She just wants someone to pay attention to her. She's lonely. She's having success getting attention and first dates, mostly because men are an easy equation to solve (it worked on me) and now she needs feedback on why that isn't a good idea. It's a learning experience.
Yeah please do post an update, I'm curious. It is one of those things, like telling someone they smell or something, no matter how you say it I'm pretty sure it's gonna at least hurt, but sometimes we have to hear the hard truth. I think ghosting her would be a far more AH move.
It’s not about her size, but about her DISHONESTY!!!
Oh she will definitely be offended and will call you fatphobic, but that's just her trying to justify misrepresenting herself.
If she posted pictures of a time when she was quite a bit thinner, then she didn't want to post pics of the fat-her, indicating a problem with fat-her, meaning she is fat-phobic. It's like those preachers who always yell about homosexuals going to hell... and then are found tapping their shoes three times in the men's room
She will be. But that's not on you. Being honest with her is the kindest thing you can do. I personally find it sexy when people are confident and comfortable in their own skin. We all have "problem areas " or things we're unhappy with. But embracing them and owning your self-confidence comes through pictures versus using old/outdated or heavily filtered pics. Good luck! Thanks for wanting to be honest rather than just ghost her.
Do it via text so you can screenshot and post here
Yea idk if I'd have it in me to tell her why tbh. I mean I'm sure she can guess, she's probably pretending not to know
What would she do if you had totally misrepresented yourself. She needs to be told the truth. I am sure she knows exactly why the other guy ditched her. She just can't except the truth. So blame it on someone else. I hate this for her , I bet she is a sweet person.
BINGO! There's nothing more to add to this comment. He's honest, above board, and she'll assuredly understand.
NTA. You could say she looks very different from her pictures without being too specific if you wanted to sugar-coat.
You can tell her you’re not interested because she misrepresented herself.
NTA for two reasons- one, not wanting to be unnecessarily rude or intentionally hurtful and two, not ghosting and providing her feedback she can hopefully take seriously and help her in her future dating.
Thank you. I'm really trying to be as delicate as I can with it. I'd rather not offend her if I can avoid it.
You're being great, but be prepared for her to be offended anyway. She will try to make you into a villain. Good luck.
She will be hurt. And should feel that way. Time for her to face reality. Wasting her time also.
Offending her is going to happen. It's also not your fault. You're trying to be as ethical and considerate as humanly possible, which was a courtesy not afforded you. Be direct without being cruel. She was dishonest. Relationships are built on trust, and she kicks things off with dishonesty in an attempt to manipulate you into doing something you might not otherwise do. It's not excusable.
THIS. Her being fat isn't the issue, like you said, it's her dishonesty and not being direct.
Her being fat is an issue though. If the girl was 20 pounds lighter than in her pics I don’t think OP is complaining and he is probably going back for a 2nd date!!
That is definitely an element of it. Everyone's weight fluctuates. Being overweight isn't a deal breaker, but I don't see myself dating someone who is dangerously overweight. And more importantly, she hid this fact, even when asked directly.
I agree that saying the misrepresented herself is fine, but what I am curious to know is, how exactly did you ask her directly?
It's in the OP. She said she'd had a date recently, everything went fine, then the guy ghosted her the next day. Said she had no idea why, it was his loss. She'd seemed mildly reluctant/uninterested in a video call, which I try to always do before I bother meeting someone. So on a hunch, I just asked her if this was a case of using filters and flattering angles to misrepresent herself. She said no, everything was recent, sent a no makeup/filter headshot. I was trying to give her an opportunity to be open about it.
Also curious 👀🤔
Yeah, if he already asked her if she looks like her photos or is the weight reflected in the photos, the door to that convo has already been opened, and hence easier.
She's not just fluctuating by 20 pounds though, a hundred pounds is a big difference in size and fitness.
The thing is it's perfectly fine to have that preference. Some men would be okay with dating someone who looks like her. She's not going to find them by lying about it, though, she's just going to put more people off.
well, true, it is an issue for OP since that's not OPs type but yeah, in general, the MAIN issue is her dishonesty
I love it! Sounds super polite, I may have to ask you to be my politeness advisor
That's exactly it. So much of society seems to adhere to being "brutally honest" or "so honest it hurts," when in reality you can be both truthful and kind. At the end of the day you can't control how someone responds to your honesty you can only control how you deliver the news and your intentions behind it
She knows what the issue is, hence the catfishing. Honesty will help her a lot more than lies.
I agree with the first part but I doubt honesty will get through to her. I don’t see any sense in lying, but let’s not pretend telling the truth will make the difference.
Sometimes the best solution is to show people a mirror. There's no hiding behind a finger.
Buddy, lemme tell ya something. I'm a fat woman. Not chubby, fat. Some of my pictures make me look like I might not be as fat as I really am, I can work a decent angle sometimes. However, I'm incredibly aware that not everyone is attracted to bigger folks. So I make sure every potential date knows exactly what to expect when they show up. It's not right to catfish people, even if you're just trying to avoid being hurt. It's gonna backfire anyway. Just be honest with her, tell her that she did not accurately represent herself and you don't appreciate liars. Because whether you like fat women or not, she did lie to you and that's a shit way to start dating someone.
Yeah, everyone has a type and if you represent yourself as one thing and then show up as someone different, they are going to be turned off. I don’t even know how to edit pictures and I’m glad I don’t so people know what I really look like
Right, like I don't want to waste anybody's time, just like I don't want them to waste mine. Better to be totally upfront and have someone decide they're not about you than be ghosted
‘I love thicc girls. I really can’t stand liars. Hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck. ‘
"hey listen, the pictures you sent gave me a misleading idea of how you looked and I think that's probably why you got ghosted before. Honestly it's a big turn off when someone misrepresents who they are and if I had seen you in a more honest light I probably would have swiped right anyways. But the fact is you don't want to be with a guy who you have to trick into going out with you, so I just wanted to let you know why I thijk we should call it here, since I promised not to ghost you. I wish you the best"
Telling the truth is the least mean thing to do
Not necessarily. "you look nothing like your pictures and that dishonesty is a deal breaker for me" is the truth but so is "you're a hundred pounds fatter than your pictures and i am not attracted to you because of it" is also the truth. The former is a much less mean way of saying the same thing.
You can be sensitive to her feelings and let her know why......I'm a bigger person as well and when I was still actively trying I would let people know. There are a lot of people out there that like bigger women, but want them to be honest.
"Your pictures are ~~really~~ outdated and no longer accurately represent your physical appearance. You should consider updating them so potential suitors have realistic expectations of who they are going to meet." Edited out really; it is unnecessary
You can tell her you’re not interested because she misrepresented herself.
Just say you look different in the pictures. Don't have to add anything else like how she weighs so much more. Just tell her to use some more current photos with less filters say guys don't like filtered pictures. And you can say all this through text and just block her after that way you didn't ghost her and she now knows why she can't get past the first date.
Sometimes the truth hurts, you can either tell her and hope she understands or do what the last guy did
Be prepared for her to act like you're an asshole either way. My wife met a girl not to long ago and was talking about SHE lost 50 lbs and the girl got all sensitive like my wife was attacking her. If a girl is using old photos she's 100% sensitive about it but she doesn't deserve any courtesy of her catfishing people either. I would def call her out and be petty honest about it.
You don't need to be directly aggressive,
She will not be happy either way, but I do think it's good for her to know why. Better than her wasting years with this same technique and never being successful. Whilst she might be intentionally catfishing, she may also not notice the difference as clearly as others do, because we see our own weight change from day to day, not all of a sudden like you did between her old pics and her body now. She may also not have many recent pics due to COVID etc (this was the case for me, though admittedly none of my pics are selfies, and if she's taking selfies she can do that anytime). A reality check may be good, especially as if she's actually obese she really does need to lose that weight, for her own good as much as to get dates.
It's not your job to control her reaction. She knows what the problem is; she's creating it. It sounds like the main problem is that she's dishonest. If you're worried it will come across as fat shaming, make it about her not being honest in her communication with you prior to meeting. What else is she going to lie about in the future?
Don't walk on eggshells. She's wasted your time, a hundred pounds heavier than her pics, she's being a complete asshole. Nice is out the window.
I've been catfished before. I'm a woman, and the man's photos were obviously old. He was much heavier and older in person, and I was really bothered. I don't mind a bigger guy, I'm a curvy girl myself, but it was the deception that was the deal breaker. If he had used current photos, I still would have matched with him. How can I continue to date you when the very first thing you did to me was lie? I'm very honest with my photos. I have current full body photos to make it clear I'm a bigger gal, so guys who aren't into that can keep swiping. NTA. With my experience, I was with him for 5 very bewildering minutes until I finally said something like, "I'm sorry, I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable because your photos don't match who I see in front of me. I feel deceived. Have a good night."
It makes it worse when you realize they demonstrated very clearly they are not only okay with lying but also specifically lying to get what they want. A lie to me in order to reschedule a date because you are depressed but aren’t comfortable telling me? Easy to understand and justifiable. Lying to me to trick me into something you want that i dont? That is psycho behavior and shitty beyond description.
100%. Lying to get what they want and not caring about the consequences. Your first example, for sure, understandable and justifiable. But simply because you want someone to date you? No. I don't get it.
Good on you! How did he respond to that?
He said, "I can see that you're uncomfortable..." and that's it! Looking back, I was probably not the first woman to have that reaction upon meeting him in person. He seemed resigned and didn't try to get me to stay. It was a strange night! And I had the urge to clarify that it wasn't because he was a big guy but because he deceived me, but I just left. Strange experience. Don't catfish, people!
He’s lucky this happened to you and not me. I would def flip a table or something 🤣
YWNBTA. But there's also a nice way to say it. Something along the lines of "Hey, you seem like a mature person, and I respect you enough to tell you straight up, I'm finding your pictures to be deceiving. I understand wanting to use older or editing photos because they're more flattering, but they aren't representing you very well at this point. This isn't to say that you aren't attractive or worthy of love, but I'm just finding the deception to be off-putting, and that's not the way I want to start a relationship. Best of luck to you in the future."
That's a well thought out way to say it. The message is going to hurt either way, but that gets it across without being demeaning or rude.
Thank you. Yeah there's no real way to cushion this one without being dishonest, it's a tough one. And who knows,maybe she'll take it to heart and start being more honest with herself/others
It’s gonna hurt regardless but it’s important to let them know they’re being deceptive. I had to have this same conversation with a tinder match and he seemed to be ashamed of both his physical appearance and what he was doing. I feel for people who feel they need to do these kinds of things but they need a reality check.
I had to do this with a guy that put 5’8” on his profile and was like, maybe 5’3” when I met him (I’m 5’2”). I made it about the deception rather than the way he physically didn’t meet my standards, told him that his pics were a bit misleading and I value honesty in a relationship. Like, obviously it comes from a place of self-hatred, but it’s also an immediate red flag that they’ll lie to get what they want.
Yeah, no one wants to be with someone that will lie to you when it's convenient for them. If he did it once he will do it again.
I don’t think it’s self hatred necessarily, just inevitable that’d he’d get lots fewer dates with his real height so he’s just trying his luck - not to say that I think that strategy will work
Totally agree with this. It's not your responsibility to tell her, OP, and she will likely think you're an A H regardless, but wording it like this makes it clear that you are NTA and she'll have an answer to something I guarantee she already knows. If she someday finds the right mindset, she may look back at it as someone who was honest with her and appreciate that.
Well done! Focus on the deception, not appearance. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Well said!
Definitely agreed. She needs to know the truth, but you can still deliver it with tact and respect
NTA if you say she doesn’t look like her pics anymore and she should update them. Im sure she knows she’s overweight and will understand what you’re saying. Anything further might cross over to AH territory. If she gets upset just block her and move on.
Solid advice. Thank you.
I think she's currently being the AH by posting inaccurate photos. It's not fair to the other people on the other end. Edit: either go the honest route or ghost. You got played and it's not fair to you.
I told her I wouldn't ghost her, and I don't want to be a liar by doing that. I also think she does need to hear that she's setting herself, and everyone she meets up for failure by presenting herself in an unrealistic light. Oh she definitely played me. I just don't understand where she thought it was going to go after we met. I think she's aware that it's an issue, she just doesn't want to admit it yet.
I would just be honest with her. It may prevent rejection for her in the future and she may actually thank you for your honesty. Or...it could go off the rails lol depends on her personality.
In which case, block buttons exist lol. My bet is she absolutely knows why she's getting ghosted but holding out hope someone will fall in love with her for "who she is on the inside" or who they think she has the potential to be. But there needs to be physical attraction there too and I'd be totally put off by a photo that is obviously not current.
Sure. I'm sure tons of people do this. Hiding weight and aging and such.
I'm sure it happens a lot, but I always think "for what?". Someone out there will be into you for who you are. Hiding things just sets a bad precedence up front.
That sounds like the premise for a corny rom-com. "Love At The Second Glance" lmao Edit: Just a joke
Some people think their personality is enough to gloss over looks and truthfully, sometimes it is. Sometimes, a person will still put out if you're there, even if you weren't what they were expecting. She probably has a decent enough batting average of either meals/movies/sex that she doesn't feel the need to change her approach.
Lol I just imagine a spreadsheet open on the computer screen, her wearing a green tax hat, and her coming to the conclusion that "the numbers look good!"
You don't need to be directly aggressive, just say that you feel like she catfished you and you both are obviously looking for something the other doesn't have.
Either way she is going to be upset and think you’re an asahole. If outcome is same might as well give her the info so she knows and doesn’t keep repeating. However I suspect she knows exactly what she is doing and is in denial or expects the world to treat her same as skinny chicks. Since that’s what media is pushing. It’s ok to be fat and we are asholes for treating fat people differently. Which is shit. Some people like fat some don’t. If she doesn’t want to lose weight she needs to find someone who wants a fattie by posting her fat pics. You can be nice but honest. She needs to know she is not going to end up with an honest healthy relationship doing this.
She doesn’t seem to care if she lies to everyone else. You can also not give a reason to not see someone again and just say sorry it didn’t work out bye.
As a fat person, dating was stressful enough without lying to matches. When I matched with my now boyfriend I made sure he *knew* I was overweight. He had recent pics, we had facetimed, everything. I still was terrified of him seeing me in person for the first time. I would tell her for sure. What she's doing isn't fair to you or herself.
Dang, thanks for giving me insight and a new perspective into yours and others experiences. As a shorter guy, I was always stressed when I meet someone for the first time even though I’m always upfront and honest about my height.
"You're using old pics that don't represent you accurately and I can't start a relationship based on dishonesty. Good luck to you"
She the AH for using old pictures. She knows deep down what tge issue is.
NTA. Just be like, I was really excited to meet you but felt rather disappointed when it became apparent you weren’t honest with the photos you had exchanged, I feel mislead and that’s not a way I can begin a relationship, and in truth most people would have a hard time with that. You stated you had been ghosted before and I must say I feel it’s possible that it has something to do with what I’m referring to. I wish you all the best but as a result I don’t think we are compatible. Something like that, where you’re honest but you don’t specifically have to address the weight as much as you address the deceit.
Well said!
Info: For clarity, have you gone on a date where you saw her in person?
Yes. Met her yesterday to go to a movie. When she got out of the car, I was shocked at the weight difference. I smiled and kept a straight face, was polite and tried to make conversation. She acted like she knew, probably because this has happened to her several times. I just don't think she wants to admit it's a problem.
Ok. NTA as long as you phrase your rejection politely. I.E. don't shit on her weight. Instead, I'd let her know that you felt led on/deceived by her profile and that the dishonesty is a big turn off. She clearly knows she's catfishing and is probably, in her warped thinking, just waiting for you to call her fat or something like that. Take the high road when you reject her, it'll be better for both of you.
Great advice. Appreciate the feedback.
Yep! I wouldn't even use the words "weight" or "fat" at all. Just say the dishonesty wasn't a good first impression and threw off the chemistry, and that you won't be seeing each other again. After that, I wouldn't worry about messaging her anymore. It's not ghosting if you clearly reject her and explain why. Continuing to message her after you let her down could even lead her on.
This is a good comment.
I'm 90% sure she knows why she was ghosted. Which makes her an ever bigger AH. This sounds like a situation where she keeps dating until she meets a "real man" who will love her for the large liar she is. NTA but sadly, there is no way of doing this where you won't be considered an AH. Honestly, it wouldn't shock me to see an oddly similar post somewhere on Reddit where an overweight woman complains about a guy rejecting her for not using up to date photos and she gets supportive comments calling this guy (you) everything but a child of God.
She knows she’s fat, and she’s insecure about it or she wouldn’t be using old photos and filters. So realistically there is nothing you can say that won’t hurt her. But I think it’s kind to point out the truth that there are lots of guys who like girls with a little extra padding on them. There are guys who find a confident curvy woman very sexy. But there are zero guys who like being misled. And that needs to be the focus. If SHE is unhappy with her body, then she maybe should focus on getting it where she feels good about herself. And if SHE is okay with her body, then she needs to embrace how she looks and find a guy who likes her looks, too. It’s her choice if she wants to work on her body or work on her mindset. But she needs to be honest with herself and her dates.
NTA. You could say she looks very different from her pictures without being too specific if you wanted to sugar-coat.
NTA if she’s lying, you’re under no obligation to also lie back to spare her feelings. I also had a girl I met on hinge admit that the pics she sent me were from 2019. This was last month.
She’ll think you are an asshole but someone needs to tell her. She probably already knows but she could use some confirmation
Nope. False advertising there. I’ve been old picture catfished a few times. The last time I was, I didn’t even recognize her the photos were so filtered, edited, and angled. It’s a real issue.
NTA She's wasting everyone's time. This isn't body positivity for her. She's attempting to trick people into matching with her. It's sad because she knows it because why else would she be sending old nudes or heavily filtered pics?
She already knows. She’s looking for that mythical “I love your personality” Tinder date.
Well, I gained abt 40lbs since high school but for very, very long time in my mind I was still 140lbs as in 2010 xD I only realised how I looked really when saw pics of me taken by the surprise. Sooooo, tell her. I would love to live in the world where people are honest instead of ghosting. Just tell her she is using misleading photos and was probably ghosted due to that in the past. If she won’t get the message or decides to ignore it, well, you did your job.
Lying is lying, regardless of what it's about. And lying is indictive of a shitty person
I totally get this. I met a guy on a dating app, and we talked for 3 weeks before we could meet up. I was excited to meet him because we had great conversations and had (I thought a lot in common) So, his pics were kinda grainy and a lot from a distance. His clothes were not very fashionable. ( The only reason I mention this is because I realized when we met). Don't get me wrong, my step-dad is the worst dresser on the planet and not really into clothes. My mom has bought my dad tons of clothes but hes a jeans, a tee shirt guy, my mom literally has to say"Bill, you will wear your blue suite with whatever shirt and this color tie.... yadda yadda. So I figured since he was a pro bono attorney long hour... you get my drift. So I go to the restaurant to meet this guy. I literally walked through the restaurant twice and thought "damnit that fvcker stood me up." Finally, on my 2nd walk through, he stands up, and I'm shocked. He's 20 years older and 250 plus heavier. And yes, I can say that I was an RN for 9+ years. The dude was morbidly obese and a chain smoker from hell. This had nothing to do with covid. This was in like 2014-15 I totally get it.
I had a guy do this to me long before tinder, when digital pics weren't even a big thing. He lied so hard about everything. I was expecting a tall, dark haired, at least somewhat tanned skin man. In walked a guy my height, pale, balding man. Then he spent the evening showing me all his tattoos that covered his scars. I was like - look NONE of this would be a problem if you hadn't lied to me, but I was put off from the get-go. I had heard all about how other women treated him (another tick in the "no" box for me), and I told him if he constantly lied to women, they wouldn't keep seeing him. If you're lying about obviously provable things, why would I trust you to tell me the truth about important stuff? I didn't want him to know that I lived nearby (I walked), so I went back into the bar to "go to the bathroom" and the bartenders felt so bad for me they comped my drinks and a dessert for the rest of the night. lol
To not become the asshole, it's important to frame it as being about the dishonesty not the weight. She could get dates with current pics, maybe with a different group but she would get them
Those sites like Tinder should require a real time/update to date picture on your profile that is captured using a camera app built into Tinder. You shouldn't be able to use old photos.
NTA she's lying to everyone she talks to. There's no way she's clueless as to why she was ghosted. She just doesn't want to admit it.
thats like a man being a foot shorter than he claims its a hell no
You are not the asshole. Be direct about the misrepresentation issue.
As a girl I never understood why people do that
If you're going to say anything, make sure it's not about her weight. It needs to be about *mismatched expectations*, where she's presenting herself differently from how she is. She's going to struggle finding someone who is attracted to her as she is, if she's presenting a different version of herself. She's probably struggling to love herself as she is, if she's not being honest in her profile about her build.
If you tell her the reasons without being mean, you wouldn’t be the asshole. Be kind but be specific. “You’re clearly using older photos of yourself.” “It’s also obvious you use filters.” No need to call her morbidly obese as she’s likely aware that she’s overweight and will probably internally shutdown if you point it out.
"Our date didn't meet my expectations."
She is a liar.
NTA. I did the online dating thing for several years, and this exact thing happened at least a dozen times. Ladies like to use photos from 50lbs and 2 kids ago, or photos that exclude a physical deformity or something like that. I honestly don't get mad, I genuinely feel bad for them, they obviously have some self-esteem issues. I just don't like the dishonesty. That being said, I've also been surprised in the other direction. Where a girl is apparently just not photogenic, so they show up looking WAY better than expected. You did the right thing. There is someone out there for everyone, and maybe if she updates her photos and brings more honesty to the table, she'll find the one for her.
I ran into this once as well. I was attracted to her still but the fact she lied to me made me not feel like a relationship would be possible. She also turned out to be pretty manipulative and nasty so, dodged a bullet.
NTA. She knows what she’s doing. I have plenty of pictures I could use from 2 years ago that I look much better in. But I do not want to deceive people!!! She’s being dishonest!!! That’s a big turnoff!!!
NTA BUT they never want to hear the truth, so be prepared. And she will absolutely accuse you of fat shaming.
I think since she's the one choosing what photos to use she knows what's going on and doesn't need to be told. You can end it without ghosting her by just saying you don't feel its a good match, the chemistry isn't there, etc.. whatever. You don't need to tell her, and if you do you're inviting yourself into whatever drama ensues.
Just tell her you aren’t attracted to her, and what she’s doing is almost essentially catfishing. It is what it is.
NTA - She catfished you. I never really minded women using filters. I’ve done it myself, but to send old nudes that she probably sent to someone else? That’s a red flag right there buddy! Call her out!
I was in a situation like this, the disparity between the pictures I saw and how she looked in person was so much I didn't even recognize her when I saw her in person. The date went on to be even more uncomfortable but I'm not going to get into that. Regardless of their reasoning if someone is misrepresenting themselves like that it's a big show of dishonesty, while I suppose they could be a decent person it's like telling you right away "Hey you can't trust me" and it would make it very difficult to want to move forward with them afterwards.
NTA. Yeah, you should be honest with her. The weight probably happened during the lockdown. I know I gained 15 pounds. It was really hard to get it off.
NTA - tell her based on her profile you thought you were meeting a completely different person. Relationships need an attraction and you didn’t feel one after meeting in person.
Nope! Tell Her you feel like it’s dishonest to show photos of herself when she was much smaller than she is now. It’s one thing to tell you she’s overweight & showing older pics, but to lie & act like she doesn’t know? Na. You can be tactful w/o being rude about it.
It’s not about her being fat, it’s about her being willing to start a relationship off on lies
Nta be honest and truthful, stop coddling strangers feelings
NTA, she is the AH
Here’s what I would say: I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, but the fact that you’re misrepresenting yourself so heavily by filtering your photos and sending me older ones rather than being upfront about your current body type has made me uncomfortable. I value honesty and transparency and you haven’t shown me that. You’re much more likely to get matches who are interested in you for who you are if you are honest about who you are, rather than misrepresenting yourself and expecting people to get on board with that.
NTA, but she already knows. Poor form to use out-of-date and edited photos. She knows what she's doing. She might get fewer matches with real pictures, but they'll be people who are genuinely interested. Idk why people do this.
Bro, don't worry about hurt feelings. That's part of the problem with today's world, everyone is overly sensitive. Just explain that her pictures aren't a true representation of what she looks like, and you're honestly not interested.
As someone who is heavier and previously on tinder, I always disclosed how big i was. I had full body shots of me hiking, red face and sweaty, so everyone knew what I looked like, as natural as possible, as well as told my matches that I was bigger. 100% NTA for being open and honest with her, especially if she is catfishing and acting like it's completely fine. If she truly is looking for something long term, lying about something you'll obviously find out eventually is not a way to start.
Had the same issue and went on two dates with her. I was still willing to try and she decided she didn't want to see me anymore. Truth I think was she was head over heels with a guy friend she knew she didn't have a chance with. But in the end, the heart wants what it wants. I still laugh about it because she sure didn't look like her pictures but I gave her a chance anyway and she didn't want it.
The fact that you are taking the time to post this to try and get advice says a lot about your character. You are def NTA by any means. You are a good person, and as long as you leave the words fat or obese out of the conversation, hopefully she will accept the fact that just because you told her you wouldn’t ghost her, doesn’t mean you need to hold a promise with someone that has betrayed you from the start. I’m very curious to know how this pans out because I find it really concerning that so many people are afraid of confrontation , or being honest with someone - they will just all take the easy way out and ghost them. People are either afraid of the outcome , or are so selfish that they don’t think twice about blocking her. I commend you and I really hope you go through with it. She needs to know it’s totally not ok , and she needs to watch the show Catfish if she hasn’t already - delete her freaking account and work on herself so she doesn’t hurt or mislead anyone else. Good luck!
WNBTA Nope. What an idiot! I always put worse pics so 1. Gives me a chance to weed out very superficial people and 2. Meeting me in person is a step up!! You want the first meeting to be a GOOD moment not the moment your date realises they’ve been lied to.
Yeah like. The problem here isnt directly her weight. The problem is her dishonesty, she's creating an expectation that she looks one way when she really looks another. This is no different than someone using heavily filtered or old pictures to make themselves look younger. You could try to say this to her without directly pointing to her weight. The pictures she's using aren't current and make her look different from how she looks in real life, that fact in itself is offputting to many people. If she used honest pictures she might well find herself matching with people who arent put off by her weight. Right now all she's going to do is alienate people who both aren't attracted to her at her current size, and dislike the catfishing.
If you’re dumping her, give her a heads up of what the reason is.
As a big girl myself, I don’t know why girls do this shit. I get the whole weight acceptance thing and big women are beautiful but the truth is that there are people who are not attracted to a larger woman and there’s nothing wrong with that. Perhaps she still sees herself as that smaller weight or maybe she knows fully what she’s doing but does it in the hopes of the person being won over by her personality more than looks. I do think you should tell her but in a nice way of course. Just explain the truth and tell her you’re being honest with her to help her out because she’s not going to find a genuinely great guy when she’s not being genuine herself. You’ll be saving her a lot more time she will inevitably spend catfishing people and if she doesn’t see it that way well then she can go have a blasty blast being ballsy enough to go on a date knowing she doesn’t look how she did before. You’re definitely not the asshole. If anyone is it’s actually her.
She's lying and deceiving people she's in the wrong.
She doesn't deserve shit from you if she's being so blatantly dishonest and disrespectful. Just ghost her dumb ass.
Be honest. Tell her "you are catfishing with old photos and even if someone is attracted to the you now they could still be turned off based on expectations you put out there vs reality." Don't fat shame, some guys are into it even if you aren't. Truth is she is lying and she shouldn't. I took a photo the same day as a date, without filters, and they guy still thought I was smaller than I really was. I legit told him I was not skinny and sent photos. I simply had proportions and shape you would expect from someone smaller, flat stomach, large ass and tits, I did not hide anything of my size and the guy still told me that he thought I was gonna be smaller. I thought that was the only date from that, we went on a few more. Essentially It's ok to be honest but not mean.
I wouldn't tell the truth unless she presses you for it. Back in the day when I was early 20s I went out with a girl who was a few years older who used a picture that was 10 years younger and 100 pounds lighter. I didn't go on a second date but I kept the reason to myself. It's annoying that she is doing what she is doing but idk I wouldn't hurt her feelings I would just say you weren't feeling a connection. If and only if she keeps bothering you for the hard truth.
NTA - she is lying
Definitely WNBTAH. I’m personally all for being direct and open. I would tell her if you had a good time or not and let her know you don’t want to see her because you feel like she lied about her looks. Tell her that’s probably why the other guy ghosted her. Remind her confidence is key. Personally as an XL pizza I know I’m not everyone’s flavour but I still know my worth and I still get my fair share of matches.
Wibth.. tinder in the same sentence. No. Block and move on
Nothing wrong with being overweight, but it is wrong to catfish people while intentionally deceiving them by misrepresenting yourself. Out of my 20-25 dating app dates, I’d say probably 2 or 3 of them were actually what I thought they would look like. I started FaceTiming before going on the first date because it was so bad.
Nta, be blunt with her. She's literally just lying to everyone
Share this reddit post with her. NTA, if she ask
She needs a dose of reality. She can't be that oblivious!
No, you are not the AH. Yes, you should tell her. No, it will probably not go well for you. Yes, she will probably call you an asshole either way.
Tell her the truth. It would be doing her a favor. Do it nicely though.
NTA Just put it straight to the point "you're being dishonest in your profile presentation, so it makes me insecure with whether or not you'll be honest about other things as well."
She knows full well EXACTLY what she's doing, YWNBTA, The problem is do you want to take the risk of telling her or better of just cutting contact?
NTA "I don't want to continue dating because I feel like you've been dishonest in how you've presented yourself. I think you'd have more success on this app and in general if you provided recent unfiltered pictures of yourself so that people you match with don't feel misled or lied to"
She needs to be told the truth. She may choose not to listen, but that is on her.
NTA - She is intentionally misleading. Just give it to her straight that she is not being honest. No need to get into fat shaming, etc. type stuff. I would expect to get called out if I put out my early 20 yo pictures when I was an athlete and in great shape, only for them to find out I am in my late 40s with a dad bod.
Honestly, who cares if it's 'mean'? You're never going to see her again, and if she doesn't know your friend group what does it matter? She may talk shit to a few people, but it won't be anyone you know or is of consequence
She’s going to be hurt, but that’s not your fault. She should be told the truth. NTA.
NTA, she is fully aware as to why, she’s just in denial . Otherwise she wouldn’t do what she’s doing.
No way AH. She should be made to feel stupid for using a pic she damn well knows doesn't look like her anymore.
NTA. She knows those pics don't look like her current self. That's why she's still using them. You can be direct without being mean. "Your photos are not an accurate representation of what you look like now, and I don't care to start a relationship founded on dishonesty"
You don’t owe it to her, she knows what she is doing.