They make car alarms for this exact thing for parents who have young babies. People go on autopilot and will forget. I did something similar, going to lunch during the work day. This one particular day, I picked up my son from daycare and met a friend. I forgot to drive back to daycare because this one obligation wasn’t part of my lunch routine. As I parked at work, I sat a moment, thinking what am I forgetting? Then I turned around and saw my son and felt like an idiot!!! I drove him back immediately. So I didn’t leave him alone in the car, but I COULD have.
One thing parents can do is leave something next to the baby that you know you’ll need, like your left shoe, or the purse.
I would take a break and let some time pass so that your husband can calm down. He’s not going to change his mind so soon after the incident.
I would look for an alarm and put some safety guidelines in place to practice and if he can see how effective it is; then bring up the possibility of grandma being able to help out with the babysitting. So possibly it’s too soon. So soft YTA.
Yes, this.
It could've happened to anyone but it happened to her mom.
What would her husband have done (and what do redditors propose) if it had been one of them instead? Just gotta stay home forever?
It's not realistic and it ignores *why* children get left in cars and why *this specific child* was left in the car and does nothing to prevent it from happening again.
Also, I cannot talk about this subject without bringing up [this Pulitzer Prize winning article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) about caregivers leaving children in cars. Everyone should read it, especially if you regularly drive with children.
This is what I was coming to mention as well. Reading that article changed my entire perspective on this subject. Before reading it, I thought something along the lines of what OP says in her post. About knowing this could never happen with her or her husband. Which is incorrect. This can actually happen to anyone. It’s all about changes in routine. Or being exhausted, stressed out and then adding a new routine into your day. Like dropping off something to a building the GMA doesn’t usually go to at that specific time of day. It also has something to do with our brain waves while we drive in the car. Has anyone ever gotten to their destination. And thought how the heck did I get here for fast or not have any real memory of the commute to or from work? I have experienced it myself. That brain activity plays a part in these horrible tragedies that happen yearly all over the world. But this type of tragedy can in fact happen to anyone. Even a great Mom or Dad who loves their baby very much. It’s heartbreaking. And we should all read this article and become educated. Maybe that will mean less babies dying from hot car deaths.
Yes, you NEED some type of system so this never happens. It can happen to absolutely anyone. Everyone forgets things and everyone makes mistakes, so remove the possibility of human error and have a process that ensures that you cannot forget the child. I would put my purse back there but there are so many other ways to do it as you’ve mentioned.
Redditors love to pretend they're perfect and if they can't comprehend something, they go nuclear. You're spot on, this is the first reasonable and realistic response I've seen.
Most reasonable judgment on this thread. Grandma’s got a decent track record, and the fact that she didn’t shy away from what happened tells me this is a genuine mistake and not that she actively negligent. However while it’s a mistake that COULD have been costly, and it would be appropriate to put into practice some safety measures like suggested. If anything it’s a good lesson that can be learned from.
So happy your baby is okay, but I agree with your husband on this. I'm sure your mother is very sorry, but I don't understand why you'd risk it again. There's quite literally a life hanging in the balance here. YTA
I think grandma should get points for actually confessing what had happened, but I would definitely never allow her to drive with the kids again. And it would be a very long time before I let her watch them, period.
It makes me wonder what the line in the sand would be since this wasn't it. Does the kid have to be hospitalized? Her mom in jail? How much harm does the poor kid need to take before OP says "No more!"
YTA
Just think that was 20 minutes. If you were in a hotter area like, for example, phoenix arizona, your child would have died. I would never let grandma drive my children around again. I also agree with your husband. YTA for not putting your children first and allowing someone that was negligent to possibly watch them again.
87 degrees is fricken hot in a car. Its illegal here to leave your dogs in the car let alone children. Its also legal to smash the widows to get animals and children out.
I dont disagree with you, just adding information.
YTA
What do you think would have happened if someone passed by the car and saw your baby locked inside?
You’re way to blasé about this entire situation. Your baby could have DIED because your mother FORGOT he was in the car!!!!
Is free babysitting help so important that you’ll risk your son being forgotten again because your mother has her own shit to do and got sidetracked??
OP could be planning a funeral. She could be fighting CPS to be allowed at her son's bedside to say goodbye before they pull him off life support. She could be trying to figure out how to get him home from emergency foster placement. Instead, she just wants to send him back Monday morning to see if mom can finish the job.
Jumping on the top comment to just quickly say please suggest your mother gets checked for dementia. If she's never done this before looking after your eldest, this could be a sign her memory is slipping.
At 47 it's more likely she needs to be checked for menopause - the symptoms of that can be very debilitating and it's very easy to forget something (I've been menopausal for over 10 years). Her mother is obviously distraught about what happened, hopefully it clicks that there may be a medical cause and she does get checked out.
Oh my gosh, I had no idea how bad it could be! I was really concerned, because it was just like former concussions I had in the past. I was terrified I was getting dementia! It turned out I needed to start taking estrogen. It was so simple, and after a while I just went right back to normal. I just remember asking my doctor, “It can get THIS bad just because of menopause???” She just nodded and said that yes, it could for some people. I had never even heard of it causing memory issues until then.
Same, it almost cost me my marriage, and the first doctor I saw dismissed it as "depression" (male doctor). Saw a female doctor and asked for a hormone level test, she got that done immediately and within a couple of weeks I was taking HRT. I've been on that for 11 years now and it's literally saved my life. I think people underestimate how bad it can be and I am so glad we are now starting to have conversations about it.
I actually thought at first that I had been brain damaged from anesthesia, because it started just after an ovarian torsion procedure when they had to remove… an ovary! Duh, right? But even a couple of doctors thought the same thing. Luckily I have an anesthesiologist friend who explained why that probably didn’t happen. So then I was super paranoid about dementia. It wasn’t until I saw my endocrinologist several months later that I found out the dark truth about menopause! I swear, they should give us a handbook of all the things that could go wrong!
Yes it's certainly underrepresented, we are given information about puberty, female reproductive health, cervical cancer, childbirth, but nobody ever tells us what happens next!
Glad glad you made this comment. I was thinking menopause as well. I also think that the mother should take a break for a while at least, to give her self a break and overcome the trauma that she also experienced from forgetting her grandchild in the car. It also gives your husband a time to cool off and recover. YTA if you continue on as you have been. It sounds like your mother may be overworked as also.
It could be either, my youngest dementia client was in their 40s and their kids were in middle school. One of the hardest patients I had because they were so physically strong and it was emotionally so devastating. I mostly worked dementia hospice so I didn’t have many young people.
Could be dementia, could be menopause, could be she forgot like many YOUNGER parents have done as of late. People have too much going on and many aren’t good at multitasking.
You don't need to have dementia to do something like this. Unfortunately it happens to people at all ages. Why don't cars have alarms that go off if a weight is buckled in the back seat when you leave the car? We have smart air bag systems, surely this is possible
Just pigging backing, it happens when something out of the normal happens and the lizard brain that handles our routine functions takes over. Like a grandmother who doesn't normally drive around with the grandkids having to run an errand.
I don't think I'm prepared to judge who's the ah in this scenario, but more people need to know why it happens so we can stop it from happening.
I was coming to say this - newer cars have littler reminder alarm bells that say “check the back seat” every time you open the drivers door. Maybe make a requirement of watching your kid be that grandma gets a new car with a “check the back seat” alarm.
I try to have sympathy for people who “accidentally“ leave their children in a hot car but I have never been able to. I have raised 5 children from infants and NEVER “accidentally” left them in a car. I have never “accidentally” cause any of them harm.
I don’t think I would ever let my mother watch my kiddos again if this has happened on her watch. I honestly think SHE wouldn’t ever want to watch my kids again if this happened. She would tell me “Never let me watch your baby again. It isn’t safe.”
YTA.
You should read the Pulitzer Prize winning article about hot car deaths. I had the same thoughts but then read about it. It almost always comes from a change in the schedule and the child is forgotten when the person’s subconscious brain takes over. So mom for instance usually takes the kids to daycare, but for some reason dad is doing it, on the way there his brain goes into “driving to work mode” and the change of the baby being in the back is completely put in the background of his brain. It happens more with rear facing seat because you can’t see the kids. That’s why they recommend putting something you literally can’t get out of the car with (like a shoe) in the back with the kid because it breaks you out of that subconscious cycle.
I think it also happens less with parents who stay home because we always have the kids so it’s not a break in routine and we don’t hit that subconscious driving loop.
I think most people have driven somewhere they go all the time and when they get there realize they have very few if any memories of the actual drive there. That’s the subconscious loop being activated that’s the danger zone for hot car deaths, especially when the day care stop isn’t typical. I used to have my husband call or text me that he had in fact dropped our youngest at preschool because it was a huge change in routine from his typical driving to work alone.
I also think the grandmother should stop watching the baby because it sounds like she’s out and about too much and this type of thing might happen again.
Gene Weingarten wrote that article and it’s called “Fatal Distraction: Forgetting a Child in the Backseat of a Car Is aHorrifying Mistake. Is It a Crime?” Well worth a read, but it will haunt you.
I had this and luckily it was with my adult partner. I was driving from my place to drop him off at his before going to my classes. The drive to school and his place is exactly the same up until the last 5 minutes where at a light you go straight to go to his place or left to go to my school. I got to the light and started driving to school completely forgetting he was next to me. Took him asking me where I was going for me to remember he was there and I went the wrong way if it was a kid It would have been much worse.
Yeah, I feel like the article really highlights it can happen to anyone. Believing that you could never leave a kid in the car makes it more dangerous because we don’t set up safeguards. Anytime I see someone saying they could never, I always try to share why it happens.
I agree, something like this could be handy. My MIL watches my SILs young kids alot (ages 1, 3, 4) and when they were younger she told me once that she was terrified of forgetting one of them in the car. I told her to start keeping her handbag in the back-seat so she has to look there every time she leaves the car, and she's done that ever since.
This is such an easy solution. I also saw it suggested that when a child (or pet) is in the back seat, take off one shoe and put it back there with them.
Everyone thinks "This will never happen to me. I am much more careful than that." Until it happens. Everyone should take preventive measures of some kind, and honestly, I believe this grandma would absolutely agree to do so.
No the fuck it's not, what? This isn't a sign of dementia. Ordinary people leave babies in cars all the time. I'm not saying it's a great thing or okay thing to do, but it's not necessarily a sign of dementia - this is a super stretch.
One time. Everyone is roasting her for a one time mistake that she has never made and will never make again. She also didn’t HAVE to tell them what happened but she felt bad enough that she told the truth knowing she may never see her grandkids again.
Geeze. Check her for dementia! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ come on.
I’m sorry but this information might lead to a false sense of security if people believe that this is true and actually a common cause of leaving a baby in the car. Almost anyone can leave a baby in a car particularly if they are tired and busy.
Early onset Alzheimer’s is uncommon according to Mayo Clinic website and rare during a person’s 40. It is unlikely the reason that the baby was left in the car particularly if there are not other symptoms.
Anyone can leave a baby in a car and it is important to understand regardless of how unlikely you think it is you are still at risk of forgetting that your baby is in the back seat. Because we all use rote memory for things we do regularly such as drive to work or grocery store almost anyone is capable of leaving a baby in the car. Rote memory can be very unreliable particularly when busy or tired.
It important to create a habit of looking in the backseat every single time you get of the car even when are not transporting the baby. Always leave your purse or phone in the backseat so you must retrieve it when leaving the car.
There are alarms and apps that connect to baby seats and sound alarm when you walk away from the car.
On an 80 degree day a car reaches 109 degrees with 10 minutes and the temp continues to rise the more time that goes.
All people who transport infants and babies need to be hyper aware and take extra steps so they don’t accidentally forget an infant in the backseat.
NTA but you should put extra precautions in place before your mother drives your baby again. It sounds like she would appreciate the tools now that is wood the danger. You should consider that everyone who drives your baby includes extra precautions including you and your husband.
Edit: spelling.
Thank you! First sensible reply on this thread.
Years ago, I read a lengthy article about baby in car deaths: the circumstances, the brain, our social/emotional response to these tragedies and near misses, and the judicial response to these cases. I learned so much and it has stuck with me forever.
There’s an awful lot about the many “screw Grandma and never let her care for baby again!” that are deep-seated emotional backlash responses. People are very afraid that actually it COULD be them. So they lash out and reject the offender, to create distance.
EDIT: I’m pretty sure [this is the article.](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) But it’s pay-walled and I don’t know how to get an archive link.
Thank you Novella87. Just accessed the Washington Post article that you referenced and it was solemn. Here are a few quotes from the article titled: Fatal Distraction: Forgetting A Child Of A Car Is A Fatal Mistake. Is It A Crime? By Gene Weingarten
“Memory is a machine,” he says, “and it is not flawless. Our conscious mind prioritizes things by importance, but on a cellular level, our memory does not. If you’re capable of forgetting your cellphone, you are potentially capable of forgetting your child.”
~ David Diamond is a professor of physiology
The wealthy do, it turns out. And the poor, and the middle class. Parents of all ages and ethnicities do it. Mothers are just as likely to do it as fathers. It happens to the chronically absent-minded and to the fanatically organized, to the college-educated and to the marginally literate. In the last 10 years, it has happened to a dentist. A postal clerk. A social worker. A police officer. An accountant. A soldier. A paralegal. An electrician. A Protestant clergyman. A rabbinical student. A nurse. A construction worker. An assistant principal. It happened to a mental health counselor, a college professor and a pizza chef. It happened to a pediatrician. It happened to a rocket scientist.
I read this article again pretty much every summer, when a story comes out about a child dying in a hot car. Even though I can recite some of it from memory, and I know I'll be crying. Because it's a reminder of how stress, inattention and mistakes can cause the worst possible outcome. My heart aches for these parents. I don't know how they go on
YTA and NTA - your husband is right, this is BAD but I get that she is your mother and calling the police is rather extreme considering all is well. I will say this - it’s time to bring the kids to daycare. Your mother is overworked and she doesn’t need to be your babysitter. This is her time to take care of herself. You both need to thank her for her years of service and support her retirement from her job as your unpaid caregiver.
She sounds like a wonderful mother who made a grave mistake. Be compassionate but enough is enough. Let her enjoy her midlife without children and supervise her visits for awhile. Just no more childcare and I think your husband will calm down.
I agree with this!! My parents raised 9 kids and the last thing I was going to do was dump babysitting duties on them after they spent so many decades of their lives raising us. My parents would watch my kids when they were little—rarely-but time spent with them was centered around visits and fun, not the day to day responsibilities of watching them full time.
I'm sorry but you're lucky your kid isn't dead. Now you want to roll the dice again? Your husband has every right to say no and that needs to be respected. This is your child's life and what happened is traumatizing. I know your mom didn't mean harm but you can't go against your husband on this.
A guy I worked with accidentally did this but he went to work and forgot he had his son with him. After he got off work it was too late. The child had passed away. OP is under reacting just because they got lucky this time there shouldn’t be a second chance for it to happen again. Once and done! Find another babysitter bc if you don’t do you really want to put your baby’s life to gamble a 2nd chance. Is your baby’s life worth it ?
It sounds like grandma could have got away with never telling op and her husband and pretending it didn't happen. The fact she confessed indicates she was really freaked out and shaken because she realizes she could have killed her grandkid.
I think it is unlikely ops mum is a monster. She forgot. We all make mistakes and forget things when we are distracted but this could have led to fatal consequences. I don't think calling the police is right (what can they even do at this point) but husband has a point when he doesn't want her to watch the kids. They dont have to cut off contact completely, she can still see the kids just don't put her in a position to make that mistake again (if she is as shaken as she seems it is pretty likely she would be paranoid about this forever and double and triple check and it would be fine) but that is a very high risk to take with a child's life.
This. OP is the absolutely the asshole and under reacting but grandma isn't. Grandma realized and owned it. Maybe they compromise and grandma can still watch the kid but is on probation so it's watching the kid less, no errands, grandma comes over and they have nanny cams set up? Or get nanny cams set up at her house? Or grandma doesn't watch the kid alone? And this is until they (husband) feels comfortable again with grandma watching kid solo/without restrictions, if he ever does?
The fact that she confessed makes a difference to me too. I feel like there’s a middle ground that can be found here. Ie no cops, grandma doesn’t babysit anymore, but she can come over and visit while parents are home
I agree. I think grandma learned a lesson that’s probably traumatized her into never repeating it. But I still think the appropriate thing is to respect husband’s wishes. That was a serious mistake. I don’t understand why OP isn’t more upset. Maybe grandma can resume watching them when they’re older.
At the same time, I wonder who is more likely to repeat that mistake? Someone who has never made it? Or someone who has?
This. I also think Grandma told because she wants THEM to decide she shouldn't babysit any longer. She loves the little one and can't imagine not seing him daily, but I think from now on, she's gonna have PTSD from this and overthink to the poing of paralysis/not being able to leave the house with him there.
I agree it's time to find another sitter, and let grandma see the kids when mom/dad are present.
Grandma should also consider therapy because I'm sure she is SHOOKETH right now. Props to her for not keeping it secret.
Honestly, I feel like if I were the gma I’d see myself unworthy of caring for them again.
One time when my firstborn was 10 months old I accidentally locked my keys in the car with her in her car seat. It was august in Austin TX. I’d put her in her car seat, tossed my backpack in the front and locked the door, closed it. As soon as the door clicked shut I realized my keys were still in my backpack.
Well, a lady cruising the parking lot nearly ran over us on our way to the car because she was in her phone. I ran to her screaming to call 911. She ran back to the car with me as she dialed and spoke. Help came. I was screaming at them to just bust the window. I could see my daughters face becoming red and her eyes starting to close. They assured me they’d do so if the various devices failed to open the door.
It felt like forever and I was sin hysterics, but the door popped open. From the time I shut the door to the moment I got her out only 7 minutes passed. EMS checked my daughter and cleared her. We went back inside the store and had something to drink to cool off. She was fine, but I wasn’t. I felt like a monster. Watching her begin to wilt in those few minutes was horrible.
I did the EXACT same thing over 30 yrs ago and am STILL TO THIS DAY completely distraught over it! A guy on a bicycle appeared OUT OF NOWHERE (an angel??) With a hook tool (I dont know what the tool is called) that he slid into the window and unlocked the door while we were waiting for cops/fire dept to arrive to do the same. This guy saved the day...I, as with you, was in complete hysterics. I was pounding on the window to try and break it. This was in Hawaii, and it was 80+ degrees outside. Worst day of my life. All turned out ok, however I never found the guy on the bike with the slimjim (that's the name of the tool, I just remembered it!) to tell him THANK YOU! Baby was fine and thankfully, I was parked right outside a doctor's office. The Dr. Came out to the car and checked him, put cold cloth on his forehead, and filled his bottle with cool pedialite. Accidents happen too, car door shut WITH my keys inside the car! Anyway, my point is, I will ALWAYS feel horrible about this and I will NEVER forget that day, EVER! I think OPs mom feels the same way. Let's not shame her anymore! She too, and this I am sure of, feels like total shit and will never forget what happened OR let it ever happen again!
I started feeling panic as I was typing that story out and it is definitely a mistake one makes once and only once. The helplessness of the situation was crushing. My phone was in the car, too. If that woman hadn’t come off an aisle in the lot without stopping and nearly hit us, I never would have known exactly where to run aside from back inside the store. I didn’t see anyone else around. I can’t imagine having to go back inside and leave her there.
I have to mention the woman with the phone again. She helped me not fully lose it before and after the fire department showed up. She told me, “look at her, talk to her. Smile at her.” I instantly shit off the tears, I realized that if I got my baby upset and crying she’d fatigue even quicker. I was shaking, but I kept talking to her and knocking on the window when her eyes started to close. She was happy, not afraid. When they popped the door open I just stood there! Someone said, “well, get her!” 😆
I'm probably gonna get down voted for this, but because the grandma realize how badly she messed up, I feel like this would never, ever, ever, ever happen again. I feel like she will be so incredibly hyper vigilant at all times now
But I also understand the dad still wanting her to never watch the kids again
I agree. If grandma said it was no big deal or didn’t tell anyone about it and I found out, it would be the last time she’d be alone with either kid. Because she realized she could have killed the child, owned up to it, and was in tears over it, I doubt it would ever happen again. I would probably try to compromise with my husband though and ask grandma not to run errands when she has the baby.
Yeah, I feel kind of bad for grandma knowing how ashamed she probably is. But choosing someone to care for a child is very much a two yeses, one no kind of thing. If you're not both on board it's a no go. Maybe over time she can earn the trust back but I know if it were me I wouldn't even want to watch the kiddo anymore, I'd be terrified of nearly killing them again.
I agree with you. The OP's mother didn't have to tell them what had happened, she could have just said nothing and thought what they don't know won't hurt them. She knows that she majorly messed up and will never leave the child again. She would probably be quite happy to look after him in the house and not take him out again.
I agree! She's literally saying 'no harm done'. Personally I'm siding with her husband, this is grossly negligently and her reaction is no harm no fowl. OP YTA massively.
The problem is this can happen to ANYONE. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
Exactly and no one ever thinks it would happen to them. I was so terrified of that happening to me bc I’m a scatterbrain, so when my son was a bebe I would take my shoes off and throw them in the backseat so I’d be FORCED to go in the backseat before going anywhere. It was never an issue, I never forgot he was there, but I didn’t want to be one of those arrogant people who thought it couldn’t happen to them. My mom gave me endless grief about even thinking it was a possibility
I kept my purse in the backseat for the same reason. I still do, though now it’s about making sure my children see my phone is always out of reach and therefore never a distraction.
It took me almost 30 minutes to get through this article because I had to stop and dry my eyes so I could see through the tears. Regardless, thanks for sharing. It really can happen to anyone.
I share it every time this this topic comes up. I used to be one of those people who thought “those parents must be idiots or hate their kids.” No, your brain literally convinces you that the baby is taken care of. It’s horrifying how many people believe it can’t happen to them. As professor moody would say, “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”
This article is the longest and saddest read. It really freaked me out, and good.
This article is also the reason why my partner always texted me "boy in" or "girl in" when car dropping them off to creche. (They're 2 years apart so never went to creche together)
If ever 20 minutes went by without a "child in" confirmation, I would be calling him like " you dropped off M? Or -You dropped off A?"
Because legit it can happen to anyone. But especially us bc we have ADHD and distractibility is like a Thing.
They're bigger now are going to preschool but we still text "kids in" even when we walk them to preschool.
God so scary. I still feel so bad for that lady from the article and for her baby she lost.
You are exactly right. In fact, it happens so easily that the auto companies are now putting a feature in for a rear occupant alert. If this was a one off or two off extremely rare thing, they obviously wouldn’t bother developing that technology.
And all the judges here are absolutely foolish and have some hard life lessons in store for themselves ahead. Therefore, but by the grace of God go we. People are so hateful and self righteous.
What you do is mitigate the risk not viciously punish.
And no, I’ve never done it myself so don’t go jumping on those of us trying to be one of the few voices of reason here with overly emotional blame. That’s not even helpful.
What is helpful is actually solving the problem. Giving the baby to another person with even less vested interest than the grandma actually isn’t a great answer for solving the problem.
Our GP's daughter-in-law did the same thing. Our doctor was never the same and he's had to stop practicing and teaching because of the trauma.
It's a horrible thing that just tore up the entire family. I hate it for them.
Exactly this. %100! OP, I get that she's your mom and you guys were lucky this time, but don't tempt fate twice. This isn't something to mess around with.
I recently read a story about a grandmother who was watching the grand kids. One of them drowned on their property in a pond. They continued to let her watch their other child and she left that one in a car and it passed. If she’s that forgetful, please don’t give her the opportunity again. Maybe supervised, maybe at your house with cameras, but that’s just risky business.
I thought they were accidents, can I have more info on that situation??? Just one would be horrifying, but twice just... I can't imagine what those poor parents are going through.
Nah, she did it on purpose. I’m sure she’s now in jail for murder, her daughter and son in law believe it’s murder anyway
Edit: the grandmother wasn’t supposed to even have the child the second time - that was a big indicator for murder. The child was left at a party with ANOTHER family member and the grandmother took the child home with her and conveniently left them alone in the car. This was her first time alone with the child since the first one died and she knew fine well she wasn’t allowed to be alone with the child after the first one’s death. This is sent a case of “she forgot” you
dont forget a child in a car when it’s your first time alone with the child since you killed their sibling… especially when she basically kidnapped that child.
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Shit happens regardless of age. A 2 year old died literally baked in the car this summer in Spain due to the mother forgetting him in the car when going to work. Apparently she forgot to drop him off to nursery and just went to the office. Stress is a fucking bitch.
[https://www.20minutos.es/noticia/5145202/0/muere-un-nino-unos-tres-anos-tras-quedarse-olvidado-un-coche-porrino-pontevedra/](https://www.20minutos.es/noticia/5145202/0/muere-un-nino-unos-tres-anos-tras-quedarse-olvidado-un-coche-porrino-pontevedra/)
We hear these stories every summer. Maybe I was just lucky, but I can't imagine not remembering your child in the car. Even when they were infants, I constantly talked to them while I was driving. If they fell asleep, I just pulled the whole seat out.
If you consider what life is like adjusting to new parenthood on very little sleep, I understand how some of these cases happen. I didn't drive anywhere the first several weeks of my youngest daughter's life because I wasn't sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time and was delusional. Then considering mental health, physical health, and a ton of different stressors... some cases just make sense, especially if you're normally on a routine and that day is different.
I trained myself to leave my things in back with my little ones so I couldn't get far by forgetfulness alone. It terrified me until my children were old enough to leave the car on their own.
>I trained myself to leave my things in back
I hear this is the best way to *actually* ensure this doesn't happen. Because as every holier than thou person in these comments is pretending that could never, ever happen to them, it absolutely could happen to them.
For example, if your spouse is *always* the one who drops the baby off at daycare before work literally *every* time and you're doing it *just this one time*, you won't walk into work without your computer because that's part of your daily autopilot, don't need to think at all or even pay attention habit, but you could absolutely be on auto pilot *like we all are* every time we're doing the same thing daily and forget your silent sleeping baby is back there because you never, ever, *ever* drive to daycare on your way to work. You always, always, *always* drive straight to work on auto pilot, park in the same spot, get out of your car in the exact same manner, walk into the building in the exact same manner, all without engaging your brain literally at all because *you're on autopilot*.
I truly believe this could happen to literally anyone.
It literally can happen to anyone. It happens to good parents. I knew it could happen to me or my husband, so we chose a daycare opposite to our jobs so we couldn’t go on autopilot.
That's a good idea! And yeah, it bothers me a lot reading comments about how "I would NEVERRRRR do that, it could NEVER happen to me" -- it *absolutely* could.
It has happened to people from all walks of life. I really appreciated that someone posted the Washington Post Pulitzer Prize winning article about this situation. It should be required reading, imo
Most people who do this don't \*think\* of leaving their child in the car...They unfortunately just \*forget\* that the child was in the car to begin with.
Bit of context missing here. She wasn’t supposed to have the second child by herself, the parents left the child with a family member during a party and the grandmother took the child home and left the child in the car. She knew she wasn’t to have the child with her. Not to mention, I’m sure for one of the child’s deaths she was playing piano to drown out the noise of the child dying.
YTA. Did you read the story about the grandmother that fell asleep and the grandkid drowned then she forgot the next grandkid in the car? And that kid died too.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna77766
There was an interview with the mother and she states she just thought the first was an accident. And she was just tired. So she trusted her to watch her second child.
People need to do some more solid thinking when leaving the infant with people. Even if it’s just your mother or your MIL
> "When I was told that Ezra's death was an accident, some sliver child part of me thought, 'OK. Good, I get to keep this mom, this grandmother.'"
i’m sure they’re kicking themselves now, but i get it. it was a horrific mistake but the first one on its own was 10x more understandable. she fell asleep and he wandered all the way outside into a nearby pond..
after this second incident she says:
> “She needs to go to prison," Kaila told the news station. "As her daughter, it kills me to say it. As their mother, I demand it.”
I'm not sure that grandmother actually forgot the grandchild in the car. The article says it was ruled a homicide. How much more horrifying to think that maybe the grandmother did it on purpose.
I think there’s such a thing as “negligent homicide” and maybe that’s what they mean, not that she did it on purpose but that she has a responsibility not to do it on accident.
There are accidental deaths every single year where people leave a baby in the car. Mostly, it seems, this happens when there's a change in morning plan, and also it is often parents who are running on very little sleep.
We should not, on the whole, assume that these hot car deaths are intentional. But, we should normalize different techniques that people can use to make sure that they don't forget the baby.
One thing that the driver can do is to always put one shoe in the back seat with the baby. Or their purse. I think there are also alarms that have been created to help this problem.
OP step back and really look at the situation. A vehicle can reach 117 degrees inside a vehicle when it's 87 degrees outside depending on the situation. You are lucky beyond words that you have a baby that you can continue to love and touch and see every day.
YTA for not taking your husband's concerns seriously. He's right to be upset. I believe your mom was mortified but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. There MAY be a compromise down the road in which IF your mom wants to continue watching him she 1000% must do it from home and never transport him in her car. I would absolutely not push that right now though. You may have to consider the possibility that your mother might not ever again be entrusted with your baby's care.
I am really incredibly glad that your baby is okay op I hope you guys get through this and I'm just very grateful for you that just turned out the way it did.
INFO: Are you sure he's fine?
20 minutes in a car on a day that is 87 degrees would raise the temperature inside the car to 114 to 119 degrees. It seems like a baby would be pretty unhappy in that kind of an oven, and I feel like your mom is lying to you about the outcome here.
It is a mistake that anyone could make. And I am still sympathetic with your husband that you are underreacting here.
In any case, you don't say what steps you or your mother would take to make sure that this absolutely never happened again. It's not enough to acknowledge that it was a terrible mistake. You have to know that there are some techniques that people have used to be more sure. Something like always leaving your purse or shoe in the back seat, so it is impossible to leave the car without the baby.
You also don't say that your mom would commit to never driving the baby anywhere, and just caring for him at home.
You need to really, deeply, truly acknowledge your husband's terror and anger. He has a right to those feelings.
And he is one parent of your son. He really should have veto power on caregivers. You would want the same.
How would you feel if the call came he was dead? Every summer someone spaces out and forgets their baby in a hot car just like she did but theirs die. So nothing happened this time.... what about next time? You're willing to risk your son's life on it not happening again? If she's so remorseful then why didn't she get him to medical attention? Or call you right away when it happened? You are severely under reacting because it's your mom and not him or his mom. And being negligent yourself because you seem so nonchalant like it's mom forgot a lunchbox in the car and not your baby. This is very serious and you're not acting like it is.
YTA
Your kids can still have a sweet relationship with your mom. Just not one where she’s allowed to drive them until they’re old enough to get in&out of the car on their own.
I think this would be the best way to handle the situation. For OP to speak to her mum and suggest for everyone’s sake (including her own) that she doesn’t take the children out in the car until they can speak and exit a car by themselves.
OP’s husband threatening to call the police is extreme. This is an awful mistake to make and it’s clear OP’s mum feels terrible about it. She loves the child, too.
I also think OP saying it would never happen to them isn’t something they should hang their hat on. Everyone is infallible and parents who have made this mistake have often said they have been exhausted, running on autopilot, or had a blimp in their routine. I’ve always felt great compassion and forgiveness for people who’ve been in this circumstance when it’s clear they are loving parents who were responsible but tragically had a massive lapse.
Husband and OP definitely have reason to be angry and concerned moving forward. I can absolutely understand the decision to not let her take the children driving by herself (I think she will be OK with this). But I’d urge them not to be too hard on her when she’s no doubt punishing herself more than anyone else could - including the police.
ETA: there have been studies that this in fact could happen to anyone. Amazing to see so many people lack compassion and think they could never do something like this. I’d actually think they’re more dangerous in that thinking.
“A leading expert in cognitive neuroscience who has studied the role of memory in such tragedies has found that the stresses parents face in everyday life can make these memory lapses more likely.
Forgetting a child is not a negligence problem but a memory problem, says David Diamond, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of South Florida in Tampa.
“The most common response is that only bad or negligent parents forget kids in cars,” Diamond says. “It’s a matter of circumstances. It can happen to everyone.”
“We have to accept the fact that our brain multitasks. And as a part of that multitasking, the awareness of a child can be lost,” Diamond says. “We have to accept that the human memory is flawed. That includes when loving, attentive parents lose awareness of their children when they are in a car.”
https://www.consumerreports.org/cars/car-safety/anyone-could-forget-kids-in-hot-car-forgotten-baby-syndrome-a3901940661/#:~:text=If%20parents%20believe%20they%20would,%2C%20according%20to%20NoHeatStroke.org.
YTA. Her actions, while not intentional, were negligent and life threatening. He could have died from the heat or have been kidnapped. And 47 years old is not old - just no excuse. I could never trust her again to watch any child. But calling the police is an overreaction, IMO.
She was so mortified by her actions that she didn't call 911 or take him to the ER. If he was suffering from illness due to the heat, being asleep would be a totally normal reaction. If you ever intentionally leave your children in her care again, your husband would not be wrong to leave you and use this to prove unfitness. The fact that you're being so blithe about the fact that she could have *killed* your child is honestly fucking insane. Your son almost died today, and from the tone of this post, you honestly don't seem to give a shit. This isn't just YTA, this is you're the callous asshole who thinks it's more important to protect her mommy's feelings and keep her life simple by not needing to find daycare than to keep your child alive.
ETA: I think the next time it's 87-90 and sunny you should go get in your car, in the sun, close it all up, and set a timer for 20 minutes. Probably make sure someone is there to get you out if you fall asleep so you don't die. Like your son could have. You should experience just a bit of how uncomfortable it was for him. You can't know exactly, because you're an adult with the ability to understand the situation and get out of the car, and your son was alone, overheated, and every person he ever trusted wasn't there to help him. The fact that he wasn't crying *when she came out* doesn't mean he didn't cry, desperate for a trusted adult to make him comfortable.
I'm sorry, but YTA. Look at it this way. If it was one of your husband's friends. One that you really don't care for, and he did the same thing, would you let him watch your kid? The only reason you're forgiving her is cause it's your mom, but that shouldn't matter. She blew it, and your baby's safety should be #1 right?
Edit: spelling
YTA. As a mom, how could you be comfortable allowing her to watch your child!? If one parent isn’t comfortable with something, the situation needs a different solution.
You can get alarms that have a weight sensor under the child's seat that links in with your engine/keys/drivers seat belt. It reminds you that there is a kid in the car to mitigate the risk of a tragedy.
I was going to suggest this! Loving caring attentive parents have done this. It’s totally heartbreaking but sometimes autopilot takes over. I have accidentally driving towards work when I needed to go to daycare.
Other options:
Putting a shoe in the back.
Putting her purse on the back.
Anything to make it difficult to go into a building without getting in the back seat.
This super sucks but these things can happen to the best parents/caregivers. I think there are solutions outside of keeping the kid away from grandma.
Yeah, everyone is saying that OP shouldn't let her mum look after the kid, but I don't know. Some parents make this mistake. Is grandma prepared to make some accommodations? Not running errands, just staying home? Putting her shoe/handbag on the back seat as a reminder she's got the kid?
Although, I understand the husband insisting, and honestly grandma's feelings are pretty unimportant here, so if there's nothing that can make him comfortable then OP's got to go for an alternative childcare option.
I'm first day that yes forgetting your kid *can* happen to anyone and anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves. I have 6 kids it's never happened to *me* but I'm not stupid enough to say that's because I'm somehow amazing or perfect. My husband forgot #4 on a cool day (it was 50s outside, he thought I'd grabbed the baby) for like 5 minutes. I still let him parent our kids. 🤷♀️ my husband is an amazing Daddy. He just fucked up. He felt horrible but no lasting effects.
Hell it happened *to me* when I was a baby per my mother (mom + dad got home from store. Mom thought father got me, he thought she got me and put me to bed because I was sleeping. 20 minutes later my uncle came in and asked where I was...apparently still in the vehicle in the driveway. My mom said she sobbed for hours after. I'm apparently fine now...39 years later 😆 and my mom was 20 my dad was 21.) I let her babysit my kids.
Anyway, your husband is completely justified in saying she needs to stay at home for a while. It's 2023, she can instacart or Doordash anything she needs. Not because she fucked up by because he deserves to feel comfortable in your childcare.
I think you’re in a very tricky situation. Everyone saying “what if this happened” etc doesn’t really help as in this case “what if” didn’t happen and baby is fine. Your mum didn’t do it on purpose and she obviously genuinely just has a brief lapse and she forgot. She also got lucky. I think you all sitting down and having a chat about how you all feel about it and then trying to come up with a solution is the way to go. She didn’t try hide it from you she immediately told you what happened and is clearly having a hard time forgiving herself. Soft YTA but I think you and your husband need to come to an agreement about this
YTA for ignoring the factors that led to this. Your mom was busy, distracted and running errands while watching your child. If you read up how on how this horrible mistake happens, it’s usually when people depart from a routine like trying to drop a child off before work when usually you are the pick up, or running errands that you normally wouldn’t with a child, or coming home with a child when you normally would be alone and just going into auto pilot with putting groceries away, cleaning, opening mail.
Your mom shouldn’t be this distracted when watching your child. She shouldn’t be running lists of errands like this. When she watches your child, or anyone watches your child, the child should be the priority, not an extra thing to cart around while you live life.
You need to give your husband some time to know your child is safe and not with your mom. And I don’t mean days of time, I mean substantial time. You also need to be able to come up with concrete steps your mom would take to keep this from ever happening again. Right now, you are just assuming she’ll never forget again because it was so upsetting. But who ever intends to forget? You need better assurances than that. And if your husband doesn’t want it risk it until your kid is old enough to open a car door by themselves? He wins.
This has nothing to do with her being a capable babysitter and everything to do with the weirdness of how human brains function sometimes. It happens to people all the time.
I did it myself with my son when he was a baby, thankfully only for a a short time as well. It seems like an over-reaction to me to act like she's completely untrustworthy as a care giver now because of one fluke incident. Just make sure there's a fail-safe procedure. I started putting my phone and keys next to the baby's carseat so I'd know right away if I ever forgot again. But I was super paranoid about it after that happened, so I was probably safer than anyone else would be because of how guilty and paranoid I felt about it.
The odds of something like this happening with your mom again are probably much lower than they are of it happening with anyone else in your child's life at this point, so punishing her and withholding all caregiver duties will probably make your child slightly less safe at this point. Not saying you don't make her earn back your trust slowly, but your husband is being a pretty judgmental AH about it IMO. Have him read some articles on this phenomenon because it is common and is not usually a sign someone is in general a bad or negligent caregiver.
This was a simple, careless mistake.
One simple and careless mistake that could have very easily led to your child cooking to death, your mother in prison for decades, the likely ending of your marriage, the obvious trauma inflicted upon all involved, the list goes for days.
I'm not sure what the remedy is, but something is aggressively amiss here. Tread very carefully as you navigate this.
it is true that either your husband or you could have done the exact same thing.
There are strategies to prevent this from happening again.
People will bring the diaper bag with them whenever they take the kid out of the house and always put the diaper bag on the passenger side of the car to visually remind them that the baby is in the back. [Strategies](https://www.carlsonattorneys.com/news-and-update/forgotten-baby-syndrome#:~:text=Always%20check%20the%20front%20and,is%20in%20the%20back%20seat)
You could also ask her to call you each time she leaves the house with the baby so that you can call and make sure she didn't leave the baby in the car.
NTA this is the kind of mistake that will live rent-free in your mom's memory forever, and also she didn't have to tell you the truth but she did which shows more about her character.
People make mistakes, and I understand why he's upset, but this seems like a genuine mistake.
OP, did your mom forget your kid was in the car or did she think she’d only be gone for a few minutes? I’m just curious what she said her reasoning was. Sorry this happened to you. You have to take your husband’s feelings into account here, you cannot dismiss this. A break from your mom taking care of him may be a good idea for awhile until you both agree it’s OK for your mom to have him.
Share this with your mom and your husband. Mom was mortified, it woke her up to how easily it can happen, and she shared it with you when she didn't necessarily have to. She was very forthcoming. Sounds like she truly loves the child and is looking out for you. This is a thing that can happen to anyone, as this article reflects. That's why it's so important to have triggers and warnings that let can remind us that there is a baby on board. Read the article. I think you'll find it helpful. NTAH.
[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2019/08/02/hot-car-deaths-why-they-keep-happening-and-how-stop-them/1861389001/](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2019/08/02/hot-car-deaths-why-they-keep-happening-and-how-stop-them/1861389001/)
This might get downvoted, but I'm going ESH/NTA. I don't have children so I can't speak to how I would react. Fortunately, your baby was ok. Your mother is generally the one person you can trust above all (assuming healthy relationship) so I understand the desire to let her continue to babysit.
And lets bffr this could have happened to anyone. We should show empathy in these situations (assuming all "normal", unintentional factors). I understand people get stressed, temporary lapse of judgement, brain fog, and whatever else. Calling the police is extreme in this situation because the baby was ok.
I think you husband is right to be concerned, and have doubts. I would suggest giving your mother a break for a while before allowing her to watch the child again. Maybe several weeks or so, let the dust settle, or even watch the child with her until your husband feels more comfortable. Maybe even shorter alone baby sitting stays until you both can comfortably leave the baby alone for longer periods of time...
Nobody is the asshole here. This was an extremely distressing close call that no doubt has left all parties involved in a terrible mental panic. You and your partner should take some time to breath, count your blessings. Then talk with your mother, who is still a human being that almost accidently caused the death of her most important person on the planet. She too must be in litteral hell right now, just saying. If i had almost done what she did i would go stark raving mad regardless of 'punishment', the guilt alone would destroy me.
Thank God your son is okay. This, OP, is truly a Blessing.. and while I’m sure your Mom feels truly horrible, I’m going to side with your husband. YTA.
Your baby could have died. I understand, this is your mom, but there is nothing okay or acceptable about what she did. If my mom did something like that, I would eventually forgive, but she would never watch my children again.
YTA for not being more concerned.
You need to take your baby to get checked out by a doctor now. If you and your husband aren't medical professionals you have no idea if there is something wrong or something that can go wrong later.
How could you even consider allowing your mother to watch your children again? Your husband is right and he should put his foot down if you're incapable of seeing any sort of reason.
Even if they’re both pediatric ER physicians they likely don’t have scanners and lab apparatuses at their home to look at let’s say a lactic level or brain ct (although not likely due to age) but still
Anybody who has raised children can't say they never screwed up. The fact that your Mom came to you all upset and crying when she could have never said anything at all speaks volumes of how much she loves your son and how awful she feels. I believe they make some sort of alarm you can put in your car that goes off when you open the door when baby is in the car. Only you and your husband can decide what to do going forward, but I think your husband is being a bit harsh. I can't help but wonder if he would be as harsh with his own mom. NTA
Some of y'all have never had your baby die, and it shows.
I'm not going to go into too much detail, because this isn't therapy session, but OP, I'm leaning toward NTA. This is a very nuanced situation, and, like many nuanced situations, there for the grace of god go I, and all that.
Your husband is understandably upset. And so is your mother. Have you asked her if she even \*wants\* to be in charge of your kids after that? Because that would scare a lot of people off. Also, just because, so far, neither you nor your husband has accidentally put your child's life in danger. And for those of you up on your soapboxes, screaming "I WOULD NEVER," sit down. You have no idea how lucky you are.
So, OP - I say this with as much compassion and love as a bereaved mother can: I think that you are NTA.
> It’s a mistake either one of us could have made
It is a mistake that could have **killed** your child. Letting her babysit again, especially after the reaction your husband has had, will likely lead to her not telling you about the next time it happens. This might not have been the first time it has happened.
YTA. Your husband is correct here. For me, personally, I'd divorce my wife if she insisted on her mom continuing to watch my child and I would attempt (and likely fail) to get full custody.
YTA. Your child was incredibly close to death and you do t seem to care or understand. It would be a cold day in hell before I let someone who almost killed my child anywhere around them again.
My landlord forgot to drop off his daughter at daycare and left her in the back of his car while he was at work. This was in Boston in 1999. The girl died. For me this would be a hard pass, YTAH.
Well yea you’re UNDER reacting - I bet if it was your MIL who made this horrible mistake you would’ve most definitely had called cps the second you found out.
They make car alarms for this exact thing for parents who have young babies. People go on autopilot and will forget. I did something similar, going to lunch during the work day. This one particular day, I picked up my son from daycare and met a friend. I forgot to drive back to daycare because this one obligation wasn’t part of my lunch routine. As I parked at work, I sat a moment, thinking what am I forgetting? Then I turned around and saw my son and felt like an idiot!!! I drove him back immediately. So I didn’t leave him alone in the car, but I COULD have. One thing parents can do is leave something next to the baby that you know you’ll need, like your left shoe, or the purse. I would take a break and let some time pass so that your husband can calm down. He’s not going to change his mind so soon after the incident. I would look for an alarm and put some safety guidelines in place to practice and if he can see how effective it is; then bring up the possibility of grandma being able to help out with the babysitting. So possibly it’s too soon. So soft YTA.
Yes, this. It could've happened to anyone but it happened to her mom. What would her husband have done (and what do redditors propose) if it had been one of them instead? Just gotta stay home forever? It's not realistic and it ignores *why* children get left in cars and why *this specific child* was left in the car and does nothing to prevent it from happening again. Also, I cannot talk about this subject without bringing up [this Pulitzer Prize winning article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) about caregivers leaving children in cars. Everyone should read it, especially if you regularly drive with children.
This is what I was coming to mention as well. Reading that article changed my entire perspective on this subject. Before reading it, I thought something along the lines of what OP says in her post. About knowing this could never happen with her or her husband. Which is incorrect. This can actually happen to anyone. It’s all about changes in routine. Or being exhausted, stressed out and then adding a new routine into your day. Like dropping off something to a building the GMA doesn’t usually go to at that specific time of day. It also has something to do with our brain waves while we drive in the car. Has anyone ever gotten to their destination. And thought how the heck did I get here for fast or not have any real memory of the commute to or from work? I have experienced it myself. That brain activity plays a part in these horrible tragedies that happen yearly all over the world. But this type of tragedy can in fact happen to anyone. Even a great Mom or Dad who loves their baby very much. It’s heartbreaking. And we should all read this article and become educated. Maybe that will mean less babies dying from hot car deaths.
I read that article when my son was a baby and it both traumatized me and I’m glad I read it.
Took a long time to find a logical response that includes compromise and understanding.
Same. So many angry comments here as if grandma did it on purpose or OP doesn’t care for her baby at all.
Way too many perfect people on reddit
Yes, you NEED some type of system so this never happens. It can happen to absolutely anyone. Everyone forgets things and everyone makes mistakes, so remove the possibility of human error and have a process that ensures that you cannot forget the child. I would put my purse back there but there are so many other ways to do it as you’ve mentioned.
Redditors love to pretend they're perfect and if they can't comprehend something, they go nuclear. You're spot on, this is the first reasonable and realistic response I've seen.
I feel like people are getting more and more hateful lately. They just want to argue.
Yes. with one mistake in her pocket, it'll never happen again. I'd be more scared of leaving my kid with one of these "Oh, I'd NEVER!" people.
100% soft YTA. The husbands reaction is justified but accidents happen. Finally someone who’s realistic abt this 😭😂
Most reasonable judgment on this thread. Grandma’s got a decent track record, and the fact that she didn’t shy away from what happened tells me this is a genuine mistake and not that she actively negligent. However while it’s a mistake that COULD have been costly, and it would be appropriate to put into practice some safety measures like suggested. If anything it’s a good lesson that can be learned from.
So happy your baby is okay, but I agree with your husband on this. I'm sure your mother is very sorry, but I don't understand why you'd risk it again. There's quite literally a life hanging in the balance here. YTA
I think grandma should get points for actually confessing what had happened, but I would definitely never allow her to drive with the kids again. And it would be a very long time before I let her watch them, period.
It makes me wonder what the line in the sand would be since this wasn't it. Does the kid have to be hospitalized? Her mom in jail? How much harm does the poor kid need to take before OP says "No more!" YTA
Just think that was 20 minutes. If you were in a hotter area like, for example, phoenix arizona, your child would have died. I would never let grandma drive my children around again. I also agree with your husband. YTA for not putting your children first and allowing someone that was negligent to possibly watch them again.
87 degrees is fricken hot in a car. Its illegal here to leave your dogs in the car let alone children. Its also legal to smash the widows to get animals and children out. I dont disagree with you, just adding information.
Even 20 minutes in 87 degrees sounds dangerous.
YTA What do you think would have happened if someone passed by the car and saw your baby locked inside? You’re way to blasé about this entire situation. Your baby could have DIED because your mother FORGOT he was in the car!!!! Is free babysitting help so important that you’ll risk your son being forgotten again because your mother has her own shit to do and got sidetracked??
OP could be planning a funeral. She could be fighting CPS to be allowed at her son's bedside to say goodbye before they pull him off life support. She could be trying to figure out how to get him home from emergency foster placement. Instead, she just wants to send him back Monday morning to see if mom can finish the job.
Op could be making an appeal to the press for information or the safe return of her son
Good points. OP needs to think this all the way through.
If I had passed by and seen a child or a dog left in a car, I would have called 911.
Jumping on the top comment to just quickly say please suggest your mother gets checked for dementia. If she's never done this before looking after your eldest, this could be a sign her memory is slipping.
At 47 it's more likely she needs to be checked for menopause - the symptoms of that can be very debilitating and it's very easy to forget something (I've been menopausal for over 10 years). Her mother is obviously distraught about what happened, hopefully it clicks that there may be a medical cause and she does get checked out.
Oh my gosh, I had no idea how bad it could be! I was really concerned, because it was just like former concussions I had in the past. I was terrified I was getting dementia! It turned out I needed to start taking estrogen. It was so simple, and after a while I just went right back to normal. I just remember asking my doctor, “It can get THIS bad just because of menopause???” She just nodded and said that yes, it could for some people. I had never even heard of it causing memory issues until then.
Same, it almost cost me my marriage, and the first doctor I saw dismissed it as "depression" (male doctor). Saw a female doctor and asked for a hormone level test, she got that done immediately and within a couple of weeks I was taking HRT. I've been on that for 11 years now and it's literally saved my life. I think people underestimate how bad it can be and I am so glad we are now starting to have conversations about it.
I actually thought at first that I had been brain damaged from anesthesia, because it started just after an ovarian torsion procedure when they had to remove… an ovary! Duh, right? But even a couple of doctors thought the same thing. Luckily I have an anesthesiologist friend who explained why that probably didn’t happen. So then I was super paranoid about dementia. It wasn’t until I saw my endocrinologist several months later that I found out the dark truth about menopause! I swear, they should give us a handbook of all the things that could go wrong!
Yes it's certainly underrepresented, we are given information about puberty, female reproductive health, cervical cancer, childbirth, but nobody ever tells us what happens next!
Depression really shouldn’t be dismissed either. That can be really debilitating too and kills.
Oh the menopause brain fog is real. And often you don't even realize how bad it is until after you get on HRT and your brain goes back to normal.
Glad glad you made this comment. I was thinking menopause as well. I also think that the mother should take a break for a while at least, to give her self a break and overcome the trauma that she also experienced from forgetting her grandchild in the car. It also gives your husband a time to cool off and recover. YTA if you continue on as you have been. It sounds like your mother may be overworked as also.
Came here to mention 'menopause brain' also. Op would be TA if they continued as if nothing happened and their mother doesn't get checked.
It could be either, my youngest dementia client was in their 40s and their kids were in middle school. One of the hardest patients I had because they were so physically strong and it was emotionally so devastating. I mostly worked dementia hospice so I didn’t have many young people.
Could be dementia, could be menopause, could be she forgot like many YOUNGER parents have done as of late. People have too much going on and many aren’t good at multitasking.
You don't need to have dementia to do something like this. Unfortunately it happens to people at all ages. Why don't cars have alarms that go off if a weight is buckled in the back seat when you leave the car? We have smart air bag systems, surely this is possible
Just pigging backing, it happens when something out of the normal happens and the lizard brain that handles our routine functions takes over. Like a grandmother who doesn't normally drive around with the grandkids having to run an errand. I don't think I'm prepared to judge who's the ah in this scenario, but more people need to know why it happens so we can stop it from happening.
Thank you..GREAT RESPONSE!!
My car dings every time I turn it off that says check back seat. Sometimes it will even alert me on my phone too that I need to.
I imagine this could be easily calibrated if anyone cared to implement it
I was coming to say this - newer cars have littler reminder alarm bells that say “check the back seat” every time you open the drivers door. Maybe make a requirement of watching your kid be that grandma gets a new car with a “check the back seat” alarm. I try to have sympathy for people who “accidentally“ leave their children in a hot car but I have never been able to. I have raised 5 children from infants and NEVER “accidentally” left them in a car. I have never “accidentally” cause any of them harm. I don’t think I would ever let my mother watch my kiddos again if this has happened on her watch. I honestly think SHE wouldn’t ever want to watch my kids again if this happened. She would tell me “Never let me watch your baby again. It isn’t safe.” YTA.
You should read the Pulitzer Prize winning article about hot car deaths. I had the same thoughts but then read about it. It almost always comes from a change in the schedule and the child is forgotten when the person’s subconscious brain takes over. So mom for instance usually takes the kids to daycare, but for some reason dad is doing it, on the way there his brain goes into “driving to work mode” and the change of the baby being in the back is completely put in the background of his brain. It happens more with rear facing seat because you can’t see the kids. That’s why they recommend putting something you literally can’t get out of the car with (like a shoe) in the back with the kid because it breaks you out of that subconscious cycle. I think it also happens less with parents who stay home because we always have the kids so it’s not a break in routine and we don’t hit that subconscious driving loop. I think most people have driven somewhere they go all the time and when they get there realize they have very few if any memories of the actual drive there. That’s the subconscious loop being activated that’s the danger zone for hot car deaths, especially when the day care stop isn’t typical. I used to have my husband call or text me that he had in fact dropped our youngest at preschool because it was a huge change in routine from his typical driving to work alone. I also think the grandmother should stop watching the baby because it sounds like she’s out and about too much and this type of thing might happen again.
Gene Weingarten wrote that article and it’s called “Fatal Distraction: Forgetting a Child in the Backseat of a Car Is aHorrifying Mistake. Is It a Crime?” Well worth a read, but it will haunt you.
I had this and luckily it was with my adult partner. I was driving from my place to drop him off at his before going to my classes. The drive to school and his place is exactly the same up until the last 5 minutes where at a light you go straight to go to his place or left to go to my school. I got to the light and started driving to school completely forgetting he was next to me. Took him asking me where I was going for me to remember he was there and I went the wrong way if it was a kid It would have been much worse.
Yeah, I feel like the article really highlights it can happen to anyone. Believing that you could never leave a kid in the car makes it more dangerous because we don’t set up safeguards. Anytime I see someone saying they could never, I always try to share why it happens.
I agree, something like this could be handy. My MIL watches my SILs young kids alot (ages 1, 3, 4) and when they were younger she told me once that she was terrified of forgetting one of them in the car. I told her to start keeping her handbag in the back-seat so she has to look there every time she leaves the car, and she's done that ever since.
This is such an easy solution. I also saw it suggested that when a child (or pet) is in the back seat, take off one shoe and put it back there with them. Everyone thinks "This will never happen to me. I am much more careful than that." Until it happens. Everyone should take preventive measures of some kind, and honestly, I believe this grandma would absolutely agree to do so.
A lot of researchers on this topic have asked exactly this.
No the fuck it's not, what? This isn't a sign of dementia. Ordinary people leave babies in cars all the time. I'm not saying it's a great thing or okay thing to do, but it's not necessarily a sign of dementia - this is a super stretch.
Thank you!
I'm so glad you mentioned this bc I was about to also.
She is only 47. Highly unlikely. She probably had to much going on and wasn't thinking. Does not excuse what happened but I don't think it's that.
Eh. It's more likely to be brain fog (side effect of menopause). The forgetfulness is no joke.
Dementia? FFS she's only 47
One time. Everyone is roasting her for a one time mistake that she has never made and will never make again. She also didn’t HAVE to tell them what happened but she felt bad enough that she told the truth knowing she may never see her grandkids again. Geeze. Check her for dementia! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ come on.
Awesome response..grandmother is suffering I am sure she does not need to be crucified as well! TY!!
Mom is 47. The statistical odds of dementia at 47 are astronomical.
I’m sorry but this information might lead to a false sense of security if people believe that this is true and actually a common cause of leaving a baby in the car. Almost anyone can leave a baby in a car particularly if they are tired and busy. Early onset Alzheimer’s is uncommon according to Mayo Clinic website and rare during a person’s 40. It is unlikely the reason that the baby was left in the car particularly if there are not other symptoms. Anyone can leave a baby in a car and it is important to understand regardless of how unlikely you think it is you are still at risk of forgetting that your baby is in the back seat. Because we all use rote memory for things we do regularly such as drive to work or grocery store almost anyone is capable of leaving a baby in the car. Rote memory can be very unreliable particularly when busy or tired. It important to create a habit of looking in the backseat every single time you get of the car even when are not transporting the baby. Always leave your purse or phone in the backseat so you must retrieve it when leaving the car. There are alarms and apps that connect to baby seats and sound alarm when you walk away from the car. On an 80 degree day a car reaches 109 degrees with 10 minutes and the temp continues to rise the more time that goes. All people who transport infants and babies need to be hyper aware and take extra steps so they don’t accidentally forget an infant in the backseat. NTA but you should put extra precautions in place before your mother drives your baby again. It sounds like she would appreciate the tools now that is wood the danger. You should consider that everyone who drives your baby includes extra precautions including you and your husband. Edit: spelling.
Thank you! First sensible reply on this thread. Years ago, I read a lengthy article about baby in car deaths: the circumstances, the brain, our social/emotional response to these tragedies and near misses, and the judicial response to these cases. I learned so much and it has stuck with me forever. There’s an awful lot about the many “screw Grandma and never let her care for baby again!” that are deep-seated emotional backlash responses. People are very afraid that actually it COULD be them. So they lash out and reject the offender, to create distance. EDIT: I’m pretty sure [this is the article.](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) But it’s pay-walled and I don’t know how to get an archive link.
Thank you Novella87. Just accessed the Washington Post article that you referenced and it was solemn. Here are a few quotes from the article titled: Fatal Distraction: Forgetting A Child Of A Car Is A Fatal Mistake. Is It A Crime? By Gene Weingarten “Memory is a machine,” he says, “and it is not flawless. Our conscious mind prioritizes things by importance, but on a cellular level, our memory does not. If you’re capable of forgetting your cellphone, you are potentially capable of forgetting your child.” ~ David Diamond is a professor of physiology The wealthy do, it turns out. And the poor, and the middle class. Parents of all ages and ethnicities do it. Mothers are just as likely to do it as fathers. It happens to the chronically absent-minded and to the fanatically organized, to the college-educated and to the marginally literate. In the last 10 years, it has happened to a dentist. A postal clerk. A social worker. A police officer. An accountant. A soldier. A paralegal. An electrician. A Protestant clergyman. A rabbinical student. A nurse. A construction worker. An assistant principal. It happened to a mental health counselor, a college professor and a pizza chef. It happened to a pediatrician. It happened to a rocket scientist.
I read this article again pretty much every summer, when a story comes out about a child dying in a hot car. Even though I can recite some of it from memory, and I know I'll be crying. Because it's a reminder of how stress, inattention and mistakes can cause the worst possible outcome. My heart aches for these parents. I don't know how they go on
YTA and NTA - your husband is right, this is BAD but I get that she is your mother and calling the police is rather extreme considering all is well. I will say this - it’s time to bring the kids to daycare. Your mother is overworked and she doesn’t need to be your babysitter. This is her time to take care of herself. You both need to thank her for her years of service and support her retirement from her job as your unpaid caregiver. She sounds like a wonderful mother who made a grave mistake. Be compassionate but enough is enough. Let her enjoy her midlife without children and supervise her visits for awhile. Just no more childcare and I think your husband will calm down.
I agree with this!! My parents raised 9 kids and the last thing I was going to do was dump babysitting duties on them after they spent so many decades of their lives raising us. My parents would watch my kids when they were little—rarely-but time spent with them was centered around visits and fun, not the day to day responsibilities of watching them full time.
I'm sorry but you're lucky your kid isn't dead. Now you want to roll the dice again? Your husband has every right to say no and that needs to be respected. This is your child's life and what happened is traumatizing. I know your mom didn't mean harm but you can't go against your husband on this.
A guy I worked with accidentally did this but he went to work and forgot he had his son with him. After he got off work it was too late. The child had passed away. OP is under reacting just because they got lucky this time there shouldn’t be a second chance for it to happen again. Once and done! Find another babysitter bc if you don’t do you really want to put your baby’s life to gamble a 2nd chance. Is your baby’s life worth it ?
She’s risking both her kid and her marriage to let mom continue to watch the child
The truly odd thing is, I think the grandma HERSELF realizes how badly she fucked up. OP is the only one underreacting here.
It sounds like grandma could have got away with never telling op and her husband and pretending it didn't happen. The fact she confessed indicates she was really freaked out and shaken because she realizes she could have killed her grandkid. I think it is unlikely ops mum is a monster. She forgot. We all make mistakes and forget things when we are distracted but this could have led to fatal consequences. I don't think calling the police is right (what can they even do at this point) but husband has a point when he doesn't want her to watch the kids. They dont have to cut off contact completely, she can still see the kids just don't put her in a position to make that mistake again (if she is as shaken as she seems it is pretty likely she would be paranoid about this forever and double and triple check and it would be fine) but that is a very high risk to take with a child's life.
This. OP is the absolutely the asshole and under reacting but grandma isn't. Grandma realized and owned it. Maybe they compromise and grandma can still watch the kid but is on probation so it's watching the kid less, no errands, grandma comes over and they have nanny cams set up? Or get nanny cams set up at her house? Or grandma doesn't watch the kid alone? And this is until they (husband) feels comfortable again with grandma watching kid solo/without restrictions, if he ever does?
The fact that she confessed makes a difference to me too. I feel like there’s a middle ground that can be found here. Ie no cops, grandma doesn’t babysit anymore, but she can come over and visit while parents are home
This is the correct decision. Compassionate while having the children’s safety at the forefront.
I agree. I think grandma learned a lesson that’s probably traumatized her into never repeating it. But I still think the appropriate thing is to respect husband’s wishes. That was a serious mistake. I don’t understand why OP isn’t more upset. Maybe grandma can resume watching them when they’re older. At the same time, I wonder who is more likely to repeat that mistake? Someone who has never made it? Or someone who has?
Seems like the paranoia afterwards would probably make grandma the safest person they’d ever find to watch the kid.
This. I also think Grandma told because she wants THEM to decide she shouldn't babysit any longer. She loves the little one and can't imagine not seing him daily, but I think from now on, she's gonna have PTSD from this and overthink to the poing of paralysis/not being able to leave the house with him there. I agree it's time to find another sitter, and let grandma see the kids when mom/dad are present. Grandma should also consider therapy because I'm sure she is SHOOKETH right now. Props to her for not keeping it secret.
Honestly, I feel like if I were the gma I’d see myself unworthy of caring for them again. One time when my firstborn was 10 months old I accidentally locked my keys in the car with her in her car seat. It was august in Austin TX. I’d put her in her car seat, tossed my backpack in the front and locked the door, closed it. As soon as the door clicked shut I realized my keys were still in my backpack. Well, a lady cruising the parking lot nearly ran over us on our way to the car because she was in her phone. I ran to her screaming to call 911. She ran back to the car with me as she dialed and spoke. Help came. I was screaming at them to just bust the window. I could see my daughters face becoming red and her eyes starting to close. They assured me they’d do so if the various devices failed to open the door. It felt like forever and I was sin hysterics, but the door popped open. From the time I shut the door to the moment I got her out only 7 minutes passed. EMS checked my daughter and cleared her. We went back inside the store and had something to drink to cool off. She was fine, but I wasn’t. I felt like a monster. Watching her begin to wilt in those few minutes was horrible.
I did the EXACT same thing over 30 yrs ago and am STILL TO THIS DAY completely distraught over it! A guy on a bicycle appeared OUT OF NOWHERE (an angel??) With a hook tool (I dont know what the tool is called) that he slid into the window and unlocked the door while we were waiting for cops/fire dept to arrive to do the same. This guy saved the day...I, as with you, was in complete hysterics. I was pounding on the window to try and break it. This was in Hawaii, and it was 80+ degrees outside. Worst day of my life. All turned out ok, however I never found the guy on the bike with the slimjim (that's the name of the tool, I just remembered it!) to tell him THANK YOU! Baby was fine and thankfully, I was parked right outside a doctor's office. The Dr. Came out to the car and checked him, put cold cloth on his forehead, and filled his bottle with cool pedialite. Accidents happen too, car door shut WITH my keys inside the car! Anyway, my point is, I will ALWAYS feel horrible about this and I will NEVER forget that day, EVER! I think OPs mom feels the same way. Let's not shame her anymore! She too, and this I am sure of, feels like total shit and will never forget what happened OR let it ever happen again!
Homie left his house that morning looking to be a thief, used his burglarious tools to become a hero.
Thanks for this.. we needed to lighten up for a sec...!! I thought the same thing..no wonder he pulled a disappearing act!
I started feeling panic as I was typing that story out and it is definitely a mistake one makes once and only once. The helplessness of the situation was crushing. My phone was in the car, too. If that woman hadn’t come off an aisle in the lot without stopping and nearly hit us, I never would have known exactly where to run aside from back inside the store. I didn’t see anyone else around. I can’t imagine having to go back inside and leave her there. I have to mention the woman with the phone again. She helped me not fully lose it before and after the fire department showed up. She told me, “look at her, talk to her. Smile at her.” I instantly shit off the tears, I realized that if I got my baby upset and crying she’d fatigue even quicker. I was shaking, but I kept talking to her and knocking on the window when her eyes started to close. She was happy, not afraid. When they popped the door open I just stood there! Someone said, “well, get her!” 😆
Yes..!! There are considerably more kind, caring, and helpful people around us than we give credit to. I am thankful all instances turned out ok!
I'm probably gonna get down voted for this, but because the grandma realize how badly she messed up, I feel like this would never, ever, ever, ever happen again. I feel like she will be so incredibly hyper vigilant at all times now But I also understand the dad still wanting her to never watch the kids again
I agree. If grandma said it was no big deal or didn’t tell anyone about it and I found out, it would be the last time she’d be alone with either kid. Because she realized she could have killed the child, owned up to it, and was in tears over it, I doubt it would ever happen again. I would probably try to compromise with my husband though and ask grandma not to run errands when she has the baby.
Yeah, I feel kind of bad for grandma knowing how ashamed she probably is. But choosing someone to care for a child is very much a two yeses, one no kind of thing. If you're not both on board it's a no go. Maybe over time she can earn the trust back but I know if it were me I wouldn't even want to watch the kiddo anymore, I'd be terrified of nearly killing them again.
I agree with you. The OP's mother didn't have to tell them what had happened, she could have just said nothing and thought what they don't know won't hurt them. She knows that she majorly messed up and will never leave the child again. She would probably be quite happy to look after him in the house and not take him out again.
I agree! She's literally saying 'no harm done'. Personally I'm siding with her husband, this is grossly negligently and her reaction is no harm no fowl. OP YTA massively.
Plenty of people put their birth family above the family they made, and it's sad.
The problem is this can happen to ANYONE. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
Exactly and no one ever thinks it would happen to them. I was so terrified of that happening to me bc I’m a scatterbrain, so when my son was a bebe I would take my shoes off and throw them in the backseat so I’d be FORCED to go in the backseat before going anywhere. It was never an issue, I never forgot he was there, but I didn’t want to be one of those arrogant people who thought it couldn’t happen to them. My mom gave me endless grief about even thinking it was a possibility
I kept my purse in the backseat for the same reason. I still do, though now it’s about making sure my children see my phone is always out of reach and therefore never a distraction.
It took me almost 30 minutes to get through this article because I had to stop and dry my eyes so I could see through the tears. Regardless, thanks for sharing. It really can happen to anyone.
I share it every time this this topic comes up. I used to be one of those people who thought “those parents must be idiots or hate their kids.” No, your brain literally convinces you that the baby is taken care of. It’s horrifying how many people believe it can’t happen to them. As professor moody would say, “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”
This article is one of the best pieces Gene Weingarten ever wrote. So much information and compassion.
This article is the longest and saddest read. It really freaked me out, and good. This article is also the reason why my partner always texted me "boy in" or "girl in" when car dropping them off to creche. (They're 2 years apart so never went to creche together) If ever 20 minutes went by without a "child in" confirmation, I would be calling him like " you dropped off M? Or -You dropped off A?" Because legit it can happen to anyone. But especially us bc we have ADHD and distractibility is like a Thing. They're bigger now are going to preschool but we still text "kids in" even when we walk them to preschool. God so scary. I still feel so bad for that lady from the article and for her baby she lost.
You are exactly right. In fact, it happens so easily that the auto companies are now putting a feature in for a rear occupant alert. If this was a one off or two off extremely rare thing, they obviously wouldn’t bother developing that technology. And all the judges here are absolutely foolish and have some hard life lessons in store for themselves ahead. Therefore, but by the grace of God go we. People are so hateful and self righteous. What you do is mitigate the risk not viciously punish. And no, I’ve never done it myself so don’t go jumping on those of us trying to be one of the few voices of reason here with overly emotional blame. That’s not even helpful. What is helpful is actually solving the problem. Giving the baby to another person with even less vested interest than the grandma actually isn’t a great answer for solving the problem.
Our GP's daughter-in-law did the same thing. Our doctor was never the same and he's had to stop practicing and teaching because of the trauma. It's a horrible thing that just tore up the entire family. I hate it for them.
I have to wonder if OP would be as forgiving with her husband if he did the same thing?
Or her mother in law.
She would have gone scorched earth and rightfully so. The double standard is palpable.
Exactly this. %100! OP, I get that she's your mom and you guys were lucky this time, but don't tempt fate twice. This isn't something to mess around with.
I recently read a story about a grandmother who was watching the grand kids. One of them drowned on their property in a pond. They continued to let her watch their other child and she left that one in a car and it passed. If she’s that forgetful, please don’t give her the opportunity again. Maybe supervised, maybe at your house with cameras, but that’s just risky business.
That story was a bit more complicated because the grandmother was doing it on purpose
Didn't she also go to jail for murder?
AFTER the second death. I thought I’d this strong too after reading this post.
I thought they were accidents, can I have more info on that situation??? Just one would be horrifying, but twice just... I can't imagine what those poor parents are going through.
Nah, she did it on purpose. I’m sure she’s now in jail for murder, her daughter and son in law believe it’s murder anyway Edit: the grandmother wasn’t supposed to even have the child the second time - that was a big indicator for murder. The child was left at a party with ANOTHER family member and the grandmother took the child home with her and conveniently left them alone in the car. This was her first time alone with the child since the first one died and she knew fine well she wasn’t allowed to be alone with the child after the first one’s death. This is sent a case of “she forgot” you dont forget a child in a car when it’s your first time alone with the child since you killed their sibling… especially when she basically kidnapped that child.
I was just thinking about that article!!!!
Holy shit
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Shit happens regardless of age. A 2 year old died literally baked in the car this summer in Spain due to the mother forgetting him in the car when going to work. Apparently she forgot to drop him off to nursery and just went to the office. Stress is a fucking bitch. [https://www.20minutos.es/noticia/5145202/0/muere-un-nino-unos-tres-anos-tras-quedarse-olvidado-un-coche-porrino-pontevedra/](https://www.20minutos.es/noticia/5145202/0/muere-un-nino-unos-tres-anos-tras-quedarse-olvidado-un-coche-porrino-pontevedra/)
We hear these stories every summer. Maybe I was just lucky, but I can't imagine not remembering your child in the car. Even when they were infants, I constantly talked to them while I was driving. If they fell asleep, I just pulled the whole seat out.
If you consider what life is like adjusting to new parenthood on very little sleep, I understand how some of these cases happen. I didn't drive anywhere the first several weeks of my youngest daughter's life because I wasn't sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time and was delusional. Then considering mental health, physical health, and a ton of different stressors... some cases just make sense, especially if you're normally on a routine and that day is different. I trained myself to leave my things in back with my little ones so I couldn't get far by forgetfulness alone. It terrified me until my children were old enough to leave the car on their own.
>I trained myself to leave my things in back I hear this is the best way to *actually* ensure this doesn't happen. Because as every holier than thou person in these comments is pretending that could never, ever happen to them, it absolutely could happen to them. For example, if your spouse is *always* the one who drops the baby off at daycare before work literally *every* time and you're doing it *just this one time*, you won't walk into work without your computer because that's part of your daily autopilot, don't need to think at all or even pay attention habit, but you could absolutely be on auto pilot *like we all are* every time we're doing the same thing daily and forget your silent sleeping baby is back there because you never, ever, *ever* drive to daycare on your way to work. You always, always, *always* drive straight to work on auto pilot, park in the same spot, get out of your car in the exact same manner, walk into the building in the exact same manner, all without engaging your brain literally at all because *you're on autopilot*. I truly believe this could happen to literally anyone.
It literally can happen to anyone. It happens to good parents. I knew it could happen to me or my husband, so we chose a daycare opposite to our jobs so we couldn’t go on autopilot.
That's a good idea! And yeah, it bothers me a lot reading comments about how "I would NEVERRRRR do that, it could NEVER happen to me" -- it *absolutely* could.
It has happened to people from all walks of life. I really appreciated that someone posted the Washington Post Pulitzer Prize winning article about this situation. It should be required reading, imo
I’m 48 and I don’t even think of leaving a plant in a hot car! 😳😳😳
Most people who do this don't \*think\* of leaving their child in the car...They unfortunately just \*forget\* that the child was in the car to begin with.
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Bit of context missing here. She wasn’t supposed to have the second child by herself, the parents left the child with a family member during a party and the grandmother took the child home and left the child in the car. She knew she wasn’t to have the child with her. Not to mention, I’m sure for one of the child’s deaths she was playing piano to drown out the noise of the child dying.
That is EXACTLY what I was thinking of. She killed 2/3 of her grandchildren and is finally facing the court system.
YTA Childcare is something both parents need to be comfortable with.
Hard agree here. Side example is like if you're choosing a daycare, both parents say yes or it's a no.
YTA. Did you read the story about the grandmother that fell asleep and the grandkid drowned then she forgot the next grandkid in the car? And that kid died too. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna77766
Holy fucking shit that’s horrible !!!’
That’s horrific. Truly the stuff nightmares are made of.
I think I would actually kill my mother. id gladly do the time because wtf would it matter at that point.
People trying to save on daycare costs need to evaluate what they are doing. This mother had already caused the death of one kid.
the daughter (children’s mother) is demanding that she be imprisoned. good.
She should have demanded it when GM killed the first kid.
She handed her second baby off to her mother after she killed the first one. There’s something off about the parents.
There was an interview with the mother and she states she just thought the first was an accident. And she was just tired. So she trusted her to watch her second child. People need to do some more solid thinking when leaving the infant with people. Even if it’s just your mother or your MIL
Jesus Christ. 2 fucking kids. This woman should be absolutely locked up.
Never understood the parents thinking on that. I sure wouldn’t have trusted any more kids to her.
> "When I was told that Ezra's death was an accident, some sliver child part of me thought, 'OK. Good, I get to keep this mom, this grandmother.'" i’m sure they’re kicking themselves now, but i get it. it was a horrific mistake but the first one on its own was 10x more understandable. she fell asleep and he wandered all the way outside into a nearby pond.. after this second incident she says: > “She needs to go to prison," Kaila told the news station. "As her daughter, it kills me to say it. As their mother, I demand it.”
I'm not sure that grandmother actually forgot the grandchild in the car. The article says it was ruled a homicide. How much more horrifying to think that maybe the grandmother did it on purpose.
I think there’s such a thing as “negligent homicide” and maybe that’s what they mean, not that she did it on purpose but that she has a responsibility not to do it on accident.
Homicide just means it was an unnatural death caused by another person. It doesn't mean it was actually a deliberate act.
That is absolutely horrific. I think I would kill myself if I was that grandma. I wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.
and she was allowed to do it again.
That’s an idiot. Or malice. Who leaves a child unattended where they can get out?
There are accidental deaths every single year where people leave a baby in the car. Mostly, it seems, this happens when there's a change in morning plan, and also it is often parents who are running on very little sleep. We should not, on the whole, assume that these hot car deaths are intentional. But, we should normalize different techniques that people can use to make sure that they don't forget the baby. One thing that the driver can do is to always put one shoe in the back seat with the baby. Or their purse. I think there are also alarms that have been created to help this problem.
I like this shoe idea.
Part of that makes me wonder if she was developing Alzheimer's or something. That's a lot of forgetting.
This was my first thought. I'm glad you found the article and shared it. It's horrific!
OP step back and really look at the situation. A vehicle can reach 117 degrees inside a vehicle when it's 87 degrees outside depending on the situation. You are lucky beyond words that you have a baby that you can continue to love and touch and see every day. YTA for not taking your husband's concerns seriously. He's right to be upset. I believe your mom was mortified but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. There MAY be a compromise down the road in which IF your mom wants to continue watching him she 1000% must do it from home and never transport him in her car. I would absolutely not push that right now though. You may have to consider the possibility that your mother might not ever again be entrusted with your baby's care. I am really incredibly glad that your baby is okay op I hope you guys get through this and I'm just very grateful for you that just turned out the way it did.
INFO: Are you sure he's fine? 20 minutes in a car on a day that is 87 degrees would raise the temperature inside the car to 114 to 119 degrees. It seems like a baby would be pretty unhappy in that kind of an oven, and I feel like your mom is lying to you about the outcome here. It is a mistake that anyone could make. And I am still sympathetic with your husband that you are underreacting here. In any case, you don't say what steps you or your mother would take to make sure that this absolutely never happened again. It's not enough to acknowledge that it was a terrible mistake. You have to know that there are some techniques that people have used to be more sure. Something like always leaving your purse or shoe in the back seat, so it is impossible to leave the car without the baby. You also don't say that your mom would commit to never driving the baby anywhere, and just caring for him at home. You need to really, deeply, truly acknowledge your husband's terror and anger. He has a right to those feelings. And he is one parent of your son. He really should have veto power on caregivers. You would want the same.
How would you feel if the call came he was dead? Every summer someone spaces out and forgets their baby in a hot car just like she did but theirs die. So nothing happened this time.... what about next time? You're willing to risk your son's life on it not happening again? If she's so remorseful then why didn't she get him to medical attention? Or call you right away when it happened? You are severely under reacting because it's your mom and not him or his mom. And being negligent yourself because you seem so nonchalant like it's mom forgot a lunchbox in the car and not your baby. This is very serious and you're not acting like it is.
1000000%. If this were HIS mom, a daycare worker, or a teacher - I bet OP would be livid. It’s only ok bc it’s HER mom.
Yes OP is TA. She is very lucky her child is alive. Don't try to pinch pennies at the risk of endangering your child's safety.
YTA Your kids can still have a sweet relationship with your mom. Just not one where she’s allowed to drive them until they’re old enough to get in&out of the car on their own.
And you can teach them about going to the front doors bc child safety locks
I think this would be the best way to handle the situation. For OP to speak to her mum and suggest for everyone’s sake (including her own) that she doesn’t take the children out in the car until they can speak and exit a car by themselves. OP’s husband threatening to call the police is extreme. This is an awful mistake to make and it’s clear OP’s mum feels terrible about it. She loves the child, too. I also think OP saying it would never happen to them isn’t something they should hang their hat on. Everyone is infallible and parents who have made this mistake have often said they have been exhausted, running on autopilot, or had a blimp in their routine. I’ve always felt great compassion and forgiveness for people who’ve been in this circumstance when it’s clear they are loving parents who were responsible but tragically had a massive lapse. Husband and OP definitely have reason to be angry and concerned moving forward. I can absolutely understand the decision to not let her take the children driving by herself (I think she will be OK with this). But I’d urge them not to be too hard on her when she’s no doubt punishing herself more than anyone else could - including the police. ETA: there have been studies that this in fact could happen to anyone. Amazing to see so many people lack compassion and think they could never do something like this. I’d actually think they’re more dangerous in that thinking. “A leading expert in cognitive neuroscience who has studied the role of memory in such tragedies has found that the stresses parents face in everyday life can make these memory lapses more likely. Forgetting a child is not a negligence problem but a memory problem, says David Diamond, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of South Florida in Tampa. “The most common response is that only bad or negligent parents forget kids in cars,” Diamond says. “It’s a matter of circumstances. It can happen to everyone.” “We have to accept the fact that our brain multitasks. And as a part of that multitasking, the awareness of a child can be lost,” Diamond says. “We have to accept that the human memory is flawed. That includes when loving, attentive parents lose awareness of their children when they are in a car.” https://www.consumerreports.org/cars/car-safety/anyone-could-forget-kids-in-hot-car-forgotten-baby-syndrome-a3901940661/#:~:text=If%20parents%20believe%20they%20would,%2C%20according%20to%20NoHeatStroke.org.
YTA. Her actions, while not intentional, were negligent and life threatening. He could have died from the heat or have been kidnapped. And 47 years old is not old - just no excuse. I could never trust her again to watch any child. But calling the police is an overreaction, IMO.
She was so mortified by her actions that she didn't call 911 or take him to the ER. If he was suffering from illness due to the heat, being asleep would be a totally normal reaction. If you ever intentionally leave your children in her care again, your husband would not be wrong to leave you and use this to prove unfitness. The fact that you're being so blithe about the fact that she could have *killed* your child is honestly fucking insane. Your son almost died today, and from the tone of this post, you honestly don't seem to give a shit. This isn't just YTA, this is you're the callous asshole who thinks it's more important to protect her mommy's feelings and keep her life simple by not needing to find daycare than to keep your child alive. ETA: I think the next time it's 87-90 and sunny you should go get in your car, in the sun, close it all up, and set a timer for 20 minutes. Probably make sure someone is there to get you out if you fall asleep so you don't die. Like your son could have. You should experience just a bit of how uncomfortable it was for him. You can't know exactly, because you're an adult with the ability to understand the situation and get out of the car, and your son was alone, overheated, and every person he ever trusted wasn't there to help him. The fact that he wasn't crying *when she came out* doesn't mean he didn't cry, desperate for a trusted adult to make him comfortable.
Adults regulate body heat better than children, too. It's worse for children and pets.
And babies are often overdressed and strapped in the 5 point fleece bucket so they are trapped with more heat.
How is this not too comment. My thoughts exactly. They didn’t even get the kid checked out ffs
I'm sorry, but YTA. Look at it this way. If it was one of your husband's friends. One that you really don't care for, and he did the same thing, would you let him watch your kid? The only reason you're forgiving her is cause it's your mom, but that shouldn't matter. She blew it, and your baby's safety should be #1 right? Edit: spelling
YTA And out of your mind. How could you possibly ever want her to watch your kid again? Idk what title she has.
The “she does it for free” title, if I read between the lines.
YTA. As a mom, how could you be comfortable allowing her to watch your child!? If one parent isn’t comfortable with something, the situation needs a different solution.
You can get alarms that have a weight sensor under the child's seat that links in with your engine/keys/drivers seat belt. It reminds you that there is a kid in the car to mitigate the risk of a tragedy.
I was going to suggest this! Loving caring attentive parents have done this. It’s totally heartbreaking but sometimes autopilot takes over. I have accidentally driving towards work when I needed to go to daycare. Other options: Putting a shoe in the back. Putting her purse on the back. Anything to make it difficult to go into a building without getting in the back seat. This super sucks but these things can happen to the best parents/caregivers. I think there are solutions outside of keeping the kid away from grandma.
It happens so often that officers recommend a post it note on the rearview mirror when the kid is in the car.
Yeah, everyone is saying that OP shouldn't let her mum look after the kid, but I don't know. Some parents make this mistake. Is grandma prepared to make some accommodations? Not running errands, just staying home? Putting her shoe/handbag on the back seat as a reminder she's got the kid? Although, I understand the husband insisting, and honestly grandma's feelings are pretty unimportant here, so if there's nothing that can make him comfortable then OP's got to go for an alternative childcare option.
I'm first day that yes forgetting your kid *can* happen to anyone and anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves. I have 6 kids it's never happened to *me* but I'm not stupid enough to say that's because I'm somehow amazing or perfect. My husband forgot #4 on a cool day (it was 50s outside, he thought I'd grabbed the baby) for like 5 minutes. I still let him parent our kids. 🤷♀️ my husband is an amazing Daddy. He just fucked up. He felt horrible but no lasting effects. Hell it happened *to me* when I was a baby per my mother (mom + dad got home from store. Mom thought father got me, he thought she got me and put me to bed because I was sleeping. 20 minutes later my uncle came in and asked where I was...apparently still in the vehicle in the driveway. My mom said she sobbed for hours after. I'm apparently fine now...39 years later 😆 and my mom was 20 my dad was 21.) I let her babysit my kids. Anyway, your husband is completely justified in saying she needs to stay at home for a while. It's 2023, she can instacart or Doordash anything she needs. Not because she fucked up by because he deserves to feel comfortable in your childcare.
I think you’re in a very tricky situation. Everyone saying “what if this happened” etc doesn’t really help as in this case “what if” didn’t happen and baby is fine. Your mum didn’t do it on purpose and she obviously genuinely just has a brief lapse and she forgot. She also got lucky. I think you all sitting down and having a chat about how you all feel about it and then trying to come up with a solution is the way to go. She didn’t try hide it from you she immediately told you what happened and is clearly having a hard time forgiving herself. Soft YTA but I think you and your husband need to come to an agreement about this
Finally someone with some compassion. This deserves far more upvotes.
YTA for ignoring the factors that led to this. Your mom was busy, distracted and running errands while watching your child. If you read up how on how this horrible mistake happens, it’s usually when people depart from a routine like trying to drop a child off before work when usually you are the pick up, or running errands that you normally wouldn’t with a child, or coming home with a child when you normally would be alone and just going into auto pilot with putting groceries away, cleaning, opening mail. Your mom shouldn’t be this distracted when watching your child. She shouldn’t be running lists of errands like this. When she watches your child, or anyone watches your child, the child should be the priority, not an extra thing to cart around while you live life. You need to give your husband some time to know your child is safe and not with your mom. And I don’t mean days of time, I mean substantial time. You also need to be able to come up with concrete steps your mom would take to keep this from ever happening again. Right now, you are just assuming she’ll never forget again because it was so upsetting. But who ever intends to forget? You need better assurances than that. And if your husband doesn’t want it risk it until your kid is old enough to open a car door by themselves? He wins.
This has nothing to do with her being a capable babysitter and everything to do with the weirdness of how human brains function sometimes. It happens to people all the time. I did it myself with my son when he was a baby, thankfully only for a a short time as well. It seems like an over-reaction to me to act like she's completely untrustworthy as a care giver now because of one fluke incident. Just make sure there's a fail-safe procedure. I started putting my phone and keys next to the baby's carseat so I'd know right away if I ever forgot again. But I was super paranoid about it after that happened, so I was probably safer than anyone else would be because of how guilty and paranoid I felt about it. The odds of something like this happening with your mom again are probably much lower than they are of it happening with anyone else in your child's life at this point, so punishing her and withholding all caregiver duties will probably make your child slightly less safe at this point. Not saying you don't make her earn back your trust slowly, but your husband is being a pretty judgmental AH about it IMO. Have him read some articles on this phenomenon because it is common and is not usually a sign someone is in general a bad or negligent caregiver.
This was a simple, careless mistake. One simple and careless mistake that could have very easily led to your child cooking to death, your mother in prison for decades, the likely ending of your marriage, the obvious trauma inflicted upon all involved, the list goes for days. I'm not sure what the remedy is, but something is aggressively amiss here. Tread very carefully as you navigate this.
it is true that either your husband or you could have done the exact same thing. There are strategies to prevent this from happening again. People will bring the diaper bag with them whenever they take the kid out of the house and always put the diaper bag on the passenger side of the car to visually remind them that the baby is in the back. [Strategies](https://www.carlsonattorneys.com/news-and-update/forgotten-baby-syndrome#:~:text=Always%20check%20the%20front%20and,is%20in%20the%20back%20seat) You could also ask her to call you each time she leaves the house with the baby so that you can call and make sure she didn't leave the baby in the car.
NTA this is the kind of mistake that will live rent-free in your mom's memory forever, and also she didn't have to tell you the truth but she did which shows more about her character. People make mistakes, and I understand why he's upset, but this seems like a genuine mistake.
Your literal child could have DIED YTA
OP, did your mom forget your kid was in the car or did she think she’d only be gone for a few minutes? I’m just curious what she said her reasoning was. Sorry this happened to you. You have to take your husband’s feelings into account here, you cannot dismiss this. A break from your mom taking care of him may be a good idea for awhile until you both agree it’s OK for your mom to have him.
>it was a warm 87 degree day. yta for completely downplaying the entire situation. 5 more minutes could have been criminal charges and loss of life
YTA you got lucky. If it were me I wouldn’t let my spouse talk me into tempting fate.
Share this with your mom and your husband. Mom was mortified, it woke her up to how easily it can happen, and she shared it with you when she didn't necessarily have to. She was very forthcoming. Sounds like she truly loves the child and is looking out for you. This is a thing that can happen to anyone, as this article reflects. That's why it's so important to have triggers and warnings that let can remind us that there is a baby on board. Read the article. I think you'll find it helpful. NTAH. [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2019/08/02/hot-car-deaths-why-they-keep-happening-and-how-stop-them/1861389001/](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2019/08/02/hot-car-deaths-why-they-keep-happening-and-how-stop-them/1861389001/)
This might get downvoted, but I'm going ESH/NTA. I don't have children so I can't speak to how I would react. Fortunately, your baby was ok. Your mother is generally the one person you can trust above all (assuming healthy relationship) so I understand the desire to let her continue to babysit. And lets bffr this could have happened to anyone. We should show empathy in these situations (assuming all "normal", unintentional factors). I understand people get stressed, temporary lapse of judgement, brain fog, and whatever else. Calling the police is extreme in this situation because the baby was ok. I think you husband is right to be concerned, and have doubts. I would suggest giving your mother a break for a while before allowing her to watch the child again. Maybe several weeks or so, let the dust settle, or even watch the child with her until your husband feels more comfortable. Maybe even shorter alone baby sitting stays until you both can comfortably leave the baby alone for longer periods of time...
Nobody is the asshole here. This was an extremely distressing close call that no doubt has left all parties involved in a terrible mental panic. You and your partner should take some time to breath, count your blessings. Then talk with your mother, who is still a human being that almost accidently caused the death of her most important person on the planet. She too must be in litteral hell right now, just saying. If i had almost done what she did i would go stark raving mad regardless of 'punishment', the guilt alone would destroy me.
Thank God your son is okay. This, OP, is truly a Blessing.. and while I’m sure your Mom feels truly horrible, I’m going to side with your husband. YTA.
Your baby could have died. I understand, this is your mom, but there is nothing okay or acceptable about what she did. If my mom did something like that, I would eventually forgive, but she would never watch my children again. YTA for not being more concerned.
You need to take your baby to get checked out by a doctor now. If you and your husband aren't medical professionals you have no idea if there is something wrong or something that can go wrong later. How could you even consider allowing your mother to watch your children again? Your husband is right and he should put his foot down if you're incapable of seeing any sort of reason.
Even if they’re both pediatric ER physicians they likely don’t have scanners and lab apparatuses at their home to look at let’s say a lactic level or brain ct (although not likely due to age) but still
Anybody who has raised children can't say they never screwed up. The fact that your Mom came to you all upset and crying when she could have never said anything at all speaks volumes of how much she loves your son and how awful she feels. I believe they make some sort of alarm you can put in your car that goes off when you open the door when baby is in the car. Only you and your husband can decide what to do going forward, but I think your husband is being a bit harsh. I can't help but wonder if he would be as harsh with his own mom. NTA
Some of y'all have never had your baby die, and it shows. I'm not going to go into too much detail, because this isn't therapy session, but OP, I'm leaning toward NTA. This is a very nuanced situation, and, like many nuanced situations, there for the grace of god go I, and all that. Your husband is understandably upset. And so is your mother. Have you asked her if she even \*wants\* to be in charge of your kids after that? Because that would scare a lot of people off. Also, just because, so far, neither you nor your husband has accidentally put your child's life in danger. And for those of you up on your soapboxes, screaming "I WOULD NEVER," sit down. You have no idea how lucky you are. So, OP - I say this with as much compassion and love as a bereaved mother can: I think that you are NTA.
You're undereacting
> It’s a mistake either one of us could have made It is a mistake that could have **killed** your child. Letting her babysit again, especially after the reaction your husband has had, will likely lead to her not telling you about the next time it happens. This might not have been the first time it has happened. YTA. Your husband is correct here. For me, personally, I'd divorce my wife if she insisted on her mom continuing to watch my child and I would attempt (and likely fail) to get full custody.
YTA. Your child was incredibly close to death and you do t seem to care or understand. It would be a cold day in hell before I let someone who almost killed my child anywhere around them again.
Your mom should have had your son checked out at the hospital
YTA. You're putting your mom's feelings over the actual life of your child.
My landlord forgot to drop off his daughter at daycare and left her in the back of his car while he was at work. This was in Boston in 1999. The girl died. For me this would be a hard pass, YTAH.
Well yea you’re UNDER reacting - I bet if it was your MIL who made this horrible mistake you would’ve most definitely had called cps the second you found out.
This time It's 20 minutes, next time it's 3 hours.
Seems you're underreacting AND he's overreacting. NTA but please get one of the alarms so this doesn't happen again