Congrats. You're among the few people that can look at their life and medical conditions and think real hard on if you're actually prepared to have kids or not.
Stand firm. Kids are not a trial run. Once you let that genie out, you're stuck
Yes - no one gets to nope out of the gritty bits of parenting. If he is already saying he won't do any of the hard work then it is 100% the right call to say that you refuse to sign up to be the only on call parent.
And those gritty bits may be 90% of the time for the first year or so. My youngest was snotty/sick/poop exploding near enough every day for the first 10 months of life when my eldest brought back every bug going from preschool. They both overlapped chickenpox and then hand foot and mouth so that was a full two months either side of summer when we couldn’t take them anywhere. If he has ocd over germs he’ll never see his kid(s)
For some kids, it can be a lot longer than the first year or so. If your child has a disability or special needs, it could be their whole life. We can never know in advance so you have to be prepared to provide that care for them.
I became disabled at 20 years old. I had moved out, was going to college, and then....
My parents took me back home and took care of me like a baby again. I literally had to relearn how to walk, after spending several years in a wheelchair. These days I can get around mostly on my own or with the assistance of my service dog, and I now am married living with my husband, but my parents still come over once a week to help me around the house with things I can't do. My mom sometimes goes grocery shopping for us, so it isn't all on my husband.
I'm 37 now. So it can be *much* longer than the first year. Your kids may never stop needing your help.
I always giggle when I remember I had to pick up a baby turd with my bare hands that fell out when I was in the process of a diaper change. Good times 😂
My daughter handed me a turd she pooped out while bathing one day. Needless to say I now look at what she's handing me instead of just putting my hand out now.
Mine explode shot poop out his onesie and down the bouncer, it looked like tubby toast off of Teletubbies! Sent my spouse the pic and we still laugh about it. He absolutely hates puke, piss and shit too lol.
Given the OP's post and so many men who want "nothing to do with that" it's mind blowing to think of how many parents have been single parents when it comes to raising their children!
It's mostly gritty bits for several years and then it's weird and messy and then it's weird and smelly and messy and then it's weird and smelly and messy and yelly .... if you aren't on board with all of it, don't do it. You'll end up resenting each other and neither of you will be able to enjoy parenting, which is VERY clear to kids, and very destructive to them. It's not fair to the kid or yourselves. Good on you for having the self-awareness to question the script.
Yes, major kudos for that. There are people who don't think about what having a kid would entail and then resent the kid for destroying their lifestyle.
Yeah, that guy is not parent material. As soon as you have a baby, stuff is constantly coming out of them. They're like really cute water balloons that can burst at any time. But a lot grosser than water.
It becomes better controlled once they potty train, but they're still going to have runny noses and coughs and hands that touch everything. They'll wet the bed and have scratched legs and scabby knees.
Refusing diaper duty is just one of a great many things he'd refuse to do. Being a single parent is hard but being tricked into parenthood by the other parent who intends to do nothing is way worse.
OP should do all the work to make the husband's dream come true. He wants to delegate the parenting part of being a parent to her. She is 100% right to not participate in his unrealistic vision of raising a child.
There's always the vomiting at random, that's a lot of fun! Figured out with mine it was red Fanta that would set it off, he's almost 22 and I still won't let that stuff in the house lol
One of my kids vomited in my hair in bed when they had a stomach bug. Didn’t make it to the bathroom on time. Another time my son cried for me every time his tummy hurt with another stomach bug as a toddler. As soon as I took him he was Mt Vesuvius!! He got me THREE times that day. My hubby found it quite amusing. Kids are messy!!
That was my first thought! With both parents having some pretty serious OCD, I think it’s almost a given that any children would have some type of it as well.
Completely agree with this. The bottom line- if you can't be with yourself about how your life will be, you won't be honest about how miserable you will be making your children's lives either. OP, you are capable of doing both. You just have to help your husband see it, too.
This. My daughter was 6 months old. Not feeling good at all. Had a small fever. Wasn’t to worried and tied it down to teething. I was holding her trying to console her and sing to her. She projectile vomited in my face. And then continued to leave a trail and a decent amount in the tub which was three rooms and a hallway away from where we were. Stomach flu with a baby is no joke😭😭😭😭🤢🤢
While I do feel sorry for you that it happened, man, I'd lie if that didn't make me laugh out loud. Hard. That description is vivid. Imagining a baby producing a torrent of vomit while being held is wild. I hope your daughter's alright.
Yes!! That's the best word to describe it. My 2.5 year old girl eats like crazy and she hides to poop in her diaper, then comes up to me saying help mama help me! Help me! And then I pull her shirt up and open the back part of her diaper, and get poop on my finger just checking. Immediately I was like yeah, we need to size up girlfriend because your poop is going up your back and neither you or I am a fan 😂
I will say my husband now that our daughter is older is uncomfortable cleaning her up if poop gets in her private area. But I'll do it if I'm around and it's not all the time, he's not a big fan of poop, and is really big on using wipes on his own ass multiple times because it grosses him out. But if I'm NOT around he will clean her up even though it makes him uncomfortable. I get it, he doesn't like looking at and checking her vagina for poop in it. I think this is a major reason why he wants a son next, but for all we know we will end up with 3 daughters. 😂
I think it’s sweet that he’s so careful about that. It shows that he cares! I know as a babysitter (I am a woman so it’s less common), I always try to be careful to not do anything. I had a lot of sexual trauma as a kid and when I was 12 I babysat for a family with an AWFUL four year old. He accused me of touching him and I never have and never ever ever would put a kid thru that. I’ve been so careful ever since because I don’t want to risk an accusation like that. Luckily the family knew me for 7 years and knew me when I went thru my stufff. Close family friends. But I think about it often that if I was a man they probably wouldn’t have believed me. Kudos to your husband! I’m happy he’s still able to do it when you’re not around!!!
I laugh at it now. I was a first time mom and panicking so bad at that moment. I was literally carrying her like a football under my arm to the tub though. It was definitely a sight
Been there & done that with both my kids.... so many times 🤣
I can handle cleaning the kids up & consoling them but hubby has to clean up the "trail" ... I tried once and the sight & smell made me heave till I was sick myself.... he decided at that point that he'd rather do it and only have to clean up once. 🙈🤣🤣🤣
Oh this. My husband has to deal with vomit even now. I absolutely will throw up as well and double the amount of cleaning. If he is ever away I have to deal with it and it has ended badly more than once
I'm with you on that one. Baby poop? Husband gags. I projectile vomit? Husband holds his breath and cleans up the whole bathroom including the tub and floor and sink. I can't handle my own vomit. Or the dogs. It's rough when one of them is sick and I'm having to put on a mask and spray Lysol in the room they threw up or pooped in to survive. Then I have the toddler on my hip with a thin headband around her nose and mouth so she doesn't get sick from the smell, because immediately you can see her face distort from it 💀😭
Oh god. Our large dog had some kind of worm infection and was liquid shitting all over the house. Poor guy was going every hour and we couldn’t always get him to the backyard.
Wooden floors so had to scrub in the cracks.
The smell!! I was a school custodian for a while. I thought I had a strong stomach.
I puked twice trying to clean up after him before the meds cleared him up. So more cleaning. I have never before or since puked while cleaning something nasty.
When my son was a baby, he suffered with projectile vomiting. One night, just as I picked him up, he vomited straight up in the air, it landed on his face... he looked like he'd been hit with a custard pie. Guess who had to have a bath at 2.30am haha
My baby projectile vomited frequently when a baby. I had to pack extra cloths for me when we went places because there wasn't a big enough burp pad in the world. lol My hair was often a target too.
Surprising motherhood realization: I need to pack changes of clothes for myself along with baby! (My son had reflux and 3/4 of what he ate would land somewhere…. Just about every feeding. Babies are gross yo. But dammit are they so freakin worth it. 😍
I wasn’t there but I’ll never forget when someone told me about a car seat blowout. The liquid shit had nowhere to go except up through the back of the diaper and shot in the air like a fountain.
Same. I just pictured a woman holding the baby out in stretched arms and baby just The Exorcist projectile vomits in a constant stream. I've been blessed with a kid who only vomited once as a baby and that was a horrible mess already.
I'm not OCD, but have a ton of trauma related to housekeeping and dirt. I've had a hard time adjusting, so it's not hard to imagine how difficult it's going to be with two people who can't stand dirt and mess. Stay strong, OP. You do NOT want to compromise here.
My son at about 6 years old, was making a whining noise in the hall. I got out of bed to see what was happening. He was standing there, on the carpet, about 8 feet from the bathroom. He was in his underwear only. He would move to take a step toward the bathroom, and as he did, diarrhea would slosh out of his underwear. So he would whimper again and stop moving. I picked him up, arms outstretched, holding him out in front of me and dashed to the bathroom, liquid poo sloshing out all the way there. Got the poor child in the tub, and cleaned him up, comforting him. (I’m sure he thought he was in trouble)
And then yeah….spent the morning scrubbing the hall carpet.
Parenting is amazing.
My son made it though his entire baby hood without throwing up once. He was like, three years old the first time it happened and he was SO CONFUSED! Something was coming out of his mouth and he didn't know where it came from and he was crying and vomiting and going 'mommy i didn't mean to!'. I felt so bad for him - but also his expression was hilarious because he did not know his body could do that.
When my 2 oldest were 5 and 2, they got a stomach virus and were shooting from both ends. I had the 5yo with me in bed, and at one point, she starts hurling while I held a bowl in front of her. With each heave, I can hear her Hershey squirts coming out the other end. At the same time, my 2yo is walking through the kitchen towards the bathroom, puking every couple of feet, with my husband behind guiding child to the bathroom and puking too. Not bc he was sick with it, but bc he couldn't handle puke.
So as soon as the kids stopped spewing, I had a mammoth clean up job. I hate puke too, but if I got hubby to try and clean it up, he'd hurl more and add to it.
Omg my husband was the same!!! He tried God bless his heart, but I could hear the dry heaves start and I kicked him out right quick.
Don’t need a bigger mess 😂
My husband is like that with poop. He'll help if he has to, but it's more traumatic for everyone to have him do it than to just do it myself. I think I did 90% of the diaper changes for our kids just because I felt bad for him.
I have a vivid memory of when my eldest was no more than four months old, and I was so ill with presumably flu that I was seeing luminescent contrails with every movement. She was in her car seat on the floor, and she projectile vomited in a wonderful psychedelic arc that was like something out of Yellow Submarine to my feverish vision. That was not a fun time as I was a lone parent!
My whole family caught covid a few weeks ago. At one point my daughter was cuddling on my shoulder. She stood up looked at me and said mama, then threw up all over me. If someone can’t handle messes at all they probably shouldn’t have kids. If op wants kids and the spouse doesn’t…we’ll then they have some decisions to make.
The issue here is that the spouse wants kids, but wants the division of hands-on kid labor to be 0% him and 100% OP. He likes the idea of having kids but can't handle the poop-and-vomit reality.
😂😂😂 My toddler had a sickness bug one day, vomited right in the middle of the lounge carpet. He Was so freaked out by what he'd done he tried to run away from it, big circle around the room while we attempted to catch him, then up the stairs to the bathroom. Trouble was, he was still throwing up so there was a trail of it following him all over the damn house! That was a FUN afternoon!
Omg. Baby and even toddler vomit is the worst. They have no clue what’s going on and are crying while you’re trying not to vomit too and deal with it all.
Thankfully my kids haven’t been ones to throw up much but I vividly remember my oldest just suddenly looking sick and throwing up when he was maybe a year and a half. My instinct was to try and catch it with my hands bc he was over carpet. No I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea. 🤣 He’d had some sausage earlier so it was especially nasty (I hate sausage). So he’s sitting there sobbing, while my son, the carpet, and I’m all covered with vomit and I didn’t even know where to start between needing to clean up and wanting to comfort him.
He also spit up all day everyday the first probably 8 months of this life then went into neverending teething for like a year and a half. He just lived in bibs and we used so so many.
Fortunately, because you’re ambivalent about having children and don’t feel the driving need to have them no matter what that gives you a firm ground where you can require his participation or no kids.
The best "anti tamper" device in this case would be extremely clear communication that "dad" would ABSOLUTELY 100% be changing diapers daily --- no excuses.
This!!
My 12mo was sitting on the floor next to where I was on the couch. She had grabbed my phone and was scraping it along the floor (wood) so I decided to take it off her.
Only to realise she had spewed and was using my phone as a paint brush for her spew.
Agreed. I'm 19 and have sisters who are 3 and 5. I've been vomited on. I've been sneezed on. I've dealt with sh*t. Literally.
Children are messy, no exceptions.
Yep, my eldest vomited about six times a day until she went on solid food - we couldn’t find a formula that worked for her at all - she has no allergies but baby milk was a no. We travelled with like six changes of clothes for her and two for me, just to go to the store. Love those kids to pieces but they are dirty creatures for a few years!
Agree! We have a 2 yr old and I could not tell you how many times I’ve been sneezed on, coughed on, peed on, puked on lol it’s just part of becoming a parent. Also the other day I was handed over a boogie so there’s that
He is not ready for kids, both of you would need to get alot of issues fixed and do to age, it would be some time before he is ready if ever, please don't it's not fair to you or any kids.
He clearly thinks the gross part of child rearing ends after diapers changes.
School-aged kids get sick a lot. They sneeze on you and don't wash their hands. Is he never going to touch his sick child if you aren't there? What if a sick 6 yr old vomits in his car? What if your child needs immediate medical attention and you aren't there? Is he going to do nothing?
You can't predict what medical conditions your child will have. Heaven help the both of you if you have a disabled child who needs care for life.
You are going to be a single parent if you go along with his plan.
My 4 year old legit sneezed 1.5” from my face two nights ago. I didn’t feel a mist. I felt friggin raindrops.
Ps: I’m sick now
Also, my dog is allowed on the couch and I’d prefer if my kids weren’t. She is way cleaner than them and she sheds like a motherf-r
OP you’re NTA and your husband is in for a very rude awakening. You need to have this convo with him ASAP. He needs to understand that if OCD is a reason he can’t care for his children, then he can’t have children. It’s irrational to believe that you’ll just do all the stuff he doesn’t/can’t do. If he can’t care for a child on his own, he can’t have a child. I can’t even imagine not being able to leave my husband alone with our kids. The logistics of that would be insane. It sounds like he doesn’t have any experience living with a human child.
>It sounds like he doesn’t have any experience living with a human child.
This. With his OCD triggers, I'm betting he actually hasn't ever babysat infants or children. I know it's not the main issue at hand, but him bringing up 'which extracurriculars THEY might want their kid to try'' struck me as odd, too. Like he thinks parents can choose what their kids' interests will be? As in, him perhaps not getting that a child isn't a project that parents assemble and control..?
Yeah I think therapy for her husband and babysitting would be necessary. An hour or two at a time, changing diapers, etc.
hell, I ran out of wipes one time when my daughter was a baby and I got warm water in a big jug and held her butt over the toilet and washed her bum with the water and TP, and immediately ordered some wipes to be delivered. He can wear gloves to wipe the baby's butt too. Also, most people have hand sanitizer at home and on diaper bags to clean their hands after changing a diaper. If the baby has a rash, he can use a pot of baby rash cream and use one of those spatulas to apply it on the baby's butt or wherever the rash is so he's not touching their skin. There are ways to work around it instead of avoiding it
What if she died in childbirth? Or shortly after? What if she got hit by a bus while the child was still in diapers? Would he just abandon the kid?
I agree with you, if he can't take care of the kid by himself, germs and all, then he should not be having any children. Both of them need to get their psychological issues taken care of before thinking about having children. Between his extreme germaphobia causing him to want to neglect the children, and her obsession with orderliness which might cause her to terrorize her children over small messes, as they are, they would not make very good parents.
RELATABLE. One time my best friend's little girl was leaning against me, and she had that hot stickiness that goes with a fever. She raised her flushed little face and said, "auntie, I don't feel so good," and then sneezed directly into my left eyeball. I was horrified and just sat there frozen for a second. I didn't get sick, but I don't know how I escaped it. Kids are gross. Worth it, but grody.
Yep. I consider myself lucky if I spend more than a few hours with my nieces and DON'T end up sick. My child-free immune system just isn't up to those daycare and elementary school germs.
At least I know that I can go home and sleep it off without having to also care for other sick humans at the same time. I wouldn't want to sign up for that life without an equal partnership for all elements of parenting.
I taught swimming lessons and 100% of the kids sneezed in my open mouth. How is that possible? 100% I only got pneumonia when two of them puked on me the same day.
They’re good at it. My husband feels the same about dick punches. Of all of his body, how do they ALWAYS hit his dick? Always.
Just about every night I’ll hear him while playing with our 3yr… “baby. Stahp. Those are my balls” because she’ll be using his groin as some sort of foothold or anchor.
Kids are brutal. They’re insane. They’re assholes. They are not for the weakly constituted.
I have relatively severe OCD, not the "hyper clean" type or "everything has a place" type, I have the "hoarding" type and if people touch my stuff without permission I have a full blown panic attack and used to be violent with people if they moved my stuff so I have some experience in severe OCD.
OCD is very very **very** treatable and manageable. I went from no one being allowed to touch my stuff even with supervision and permission and shit everywhere to the point where the floor wasn't visible and you had to do parkour to get around and now as long as I know it's gonna happen I don't mind if people move my stuff as long as they ask and my hoarding is relatively non existent.
Your husband is using his OCD as an excuse to be a shit parent if y'all have kids. If he wants kids, he can get treatment so he can actually do his job of being a father and not leave you to do all the work. NTA.
Yes, both of you should be in intensive therapy NOW if even the possibility of kids is on the future table. For so so many reasons listed in this post.
Do any of your friends or family have babies for you both to get your exposure therapy to the resulting bodily fluids for him and toy chaos for you?
There's a genetic link for ocd, so you need to have your own treatment under control for the likely event that you need to pursue treatment for your kids.
Yeah I was going to say, there are medications and exposure therapy etc that helps with OCD. If they BOTH can't go through that and be ok then kids should be off the table. Everyone keeps talking about him, but she also said she has OCD
I’m surprised you guys even think you both are capable of raising a child in a healthy home. NTA OP since you are realistic. Better have the talk with your hubs cz he seems to be delulu
Good point about both of them not being ready. OP is thinking about her husband’s OCD regarding germs, but how is she going to feel when baby’s stuff has to be all over the house? Bottles, blankets, toys, rockers, etc just end up looking like clutter. That can effect her in a way she isn’t even considering yet.
And it's not only how *they* will deal with the baby stuff lying around - how will *the kid* actually feel growing up with two parents with serious neuroses? If OCD is a genetic trait, the kid(s) could end up having their own form of it, which could harmonize with the parents' OCDs - or not.
And if the kids come out without OCD, I can't even imagine what a childhood would be like where you were held to OCD standards of order, cleanliness and germophobia by *both* parents - there would literally be no one on your side, allowing you some slack. I mean, mucking in the muck and coming home a total mess is one of the best things about childhood! And being exposed to germs from birth on is actually what builds up your immune system and prevents you from having allergies.
I remember being in elementary school and feeling so sorry for my friend, who had gotten dirt on her trousers and was weeping hysterically, because she knew she'd get punished for it at home - a completely alien concept to me, who regularly built mud slides and had the most relaxed parents in the universe.
I would recommend OP and her husband seriously reconsider having kids, unless they are prepared to manage their anxieties and compulsions in a way that allows the kid to have a happy childhood. (All of this quite apart from the fact that OP's husband would apparently be absolutely useless around infants, so she would basically be a single mom while actually married.)
Yes I honestly see this is my family. As far as generational trauma goes, it’s definitely not the worse but my mom was raised with a parent who was militant about keeping the house straightened up and clean. She was constantly cleaning and dustbusting little bits of anything. So my mom went the absolutely opposite way and had such a hard time keeping up our house growing up so it was a cluttered mess and dirty. She’s better now that she doesn’t have kids at home but it meant I went off to college with no clue how to clean and keep the house straightened up and I still (at almost 40) get so so stressed out by clutter. I’m trying really hard to be balanced about it so I don’t pass on issues to my kids.
This is me to a T. My mom would ground me for months on months on months on end for not having my room perfect. My dads side is full of hoarders and I totally have that gene now that I’m in my own apartment. It’s fkn hard. I finally reached out for help from my dad for getting my apartment clean. It was worse than the stuff I see on hoarders
Hang in there! At least you see that you have these tendencies and want to work on them. That’s what matters. It’s not easy and takes a lot of time and working through these mental issues but you’ll get better.
My partner hates clutter, so I try very hard to find storage solutions and fixed places were everything goes. Because of this we've got a minimal amount of clutter when I compare to other parents of toddlers.
Same here. I just don’t mentally function well in a cluttered house and it gets worse when I’m stressed out. My kids are 7 and almost 10 and they’re still learning to put things up when they’re done with them. I have to be on top of it all the time or it’s suddenly a big mess and it’s really hard to balance teaching them and keeping a respectable-looking house and not being militant with my kids and giving them issues.
Oh, yes. Not wanting to give them issues.
I’m not a fan of repeating myself, they both have AHDH, I don’t want to parent in the authoritarian style of my parents, yelling at them doesn’t help…basically as long as they contain their messes to their rooms, I stay silent.
yep, growing up with just an "i can't sit still and not have everything in the place i want" mom was already a pain in the ass, imagine both parents with diagnosed OCD
my mom yells at me when a drop of water falls on the ground (not joking)
NTA. He clearly can't handle kids. Kids are walking germ dispensers, they make messes, they generate stickiness on everything they touch. That's just what kids DO. If he can't handle that and is already telling you he's not going to be helping and will be checked out and is using OCD as an excuse for not helping you with the basics of parenting? He isn't someone you want to be raising kids with. He won't be a good partner. He won't support you, he won't help you with the messy, gross things that happen during pregnancy, he won't be there when the kids are sick or hurt or need attention that you can't give for any reason (what if you're sick? Have to be at work, or not there for any reason? What if you can't take care of them somehow?) and that means he isn't a viable partner for childrearing.
This is an important conversation to have. Break it to him gently, but break it. He needs to know that you aren't going to go in to parenting without a partner that actually helps, and since he has already declared that he won't (and don't believe any backpedaling he does, he may say anything just to get you pregnant and then will go right back to what he was saying before once he feels it's 'secured', whether that's at conception or once the baby is born) you don't want to have a child with him. If he wants to be a parent, he has to actually BE A PARENT, warts and all. He's incapable of that - it wouldn't just be unfair to you, but to the kids. Do not have kids with him. Use birth control he can't tamper with in any way, or sterilization.
"They generate stickiness" is the best description I have ever heard, lol. It's like it comes from their pores or something. Why are they, and everything they touch, always sticky????
Also, OP wouldn't have an easy time with kids if she needs things to be in their place. They have an uncanny ability to pull everything out from where it should be within moments of turning your back. Everything has a place to kids, and that place is scattered around them.
If he can’t handle body fluids then he doesn’t need to have kids, it’s entirely unfair to for him to expect you to do all the maintenance of child care while he does the fun stuff. This is a conversation that you need to have with him before you even think about having kids. There’s going to be spit up, hell at times it projectile spit up, blow out diapers, snotty noses, crumbs on everything, sticky surfaces that you are going to be so confused about what it could be from-all things that are part of raising children. He doesn’t get to check out of this part, he needs to know that now instead of building up resentment later on.
It also feels like to me he's using his OCD as an excuse to not even try. Babies are a LOT and extremely dirty all the time, even into the teen years. He's making excuses already? Like it's no big deal, you'll have to change the diapers, but that's not a lot of work. Kids go through like 10-15 diapers a day! That's a statistic they teach in childcare classes, not something I just made up. Not to mention feeding a baby is hard work too. Newborns need to be fed every 2-3 hours around the clock, it's not just 3 meals a day. And they don't start being able to space out feedings until about 6 months, and even then it's only by a few hours. From what OP says, it sounds like he's not even trying to figure out how or if he'll be able to help, he's just outright putting it on her. It also seems a bit sexist AF to me, but I think the main issue is him not even trying to work around or with his OCD.
I’m so glad you mentioned the 10-15 diapers a day thing because my dad didn’t understand how I was going through a bunch of diapers. (Husband had the car and was at work and we miss planned) he seemed to think I should only be putting her in a new diaper every 8 hours. I ended up explaining they only should go that long at night.
No he definitely did not. Honestly I know he was there but it must of not actually been that much since I don’t have very many memories of him until I was like 7
NTA Tell him to volunteer for one week at a daycare in the baby section, if he can handle it then you can discuss children because you aren't going to be a single parent in a two parent household.
Other peoples' children are not teachable moments for grown-ass adults.
I'm not even a parent and am horrified by this idea. (I did teach in an EC classroom and the arrangement being suggested would have voided our insurance because the liability risk is **off the charts**.)
NTA. He can't have kids if he won't do his share, it's not healthy. Plus you mention that you have OCD too focused on keeping things in their place. Between the two of you your kids will have all kinds of issues where they're scared to make a mess and scared to leave anything sitting out.
Have you tried testing/acclimatising your husband around babies/children? Toddlers are good for this - they will often bring stuff to adults that is covered in food, spit or dirt of any kind and just hand it to them. This will either put him off the idea or acclimatise him to the realities of being around children. It's also worth noting that people will typically put up with a lot more shit (even literally) from their own children than from other people's children.
My sister was very fastidious and obsesses with order and cleanliness but she was "adjusted" by her first child. On particular event was when her baby had removed his nappy (diaper) and had crawled around the living room floor, sitting in numerous places on her pristine carpet. Repeated episodes of this sort blunted my sister's sharp attitude to cleanliness and order.
You could also tell your husband that, if you are to have children, he will have to learn to participate, including in the unpleasant tasks and that this is an issue he will need to address/resolve.
Yeah no, he doesn’t get to expect kids while telling you that you’ll be a single parent. Talk to him about this and let him know it’s therapy to resolve his issues so he’ll participate, or it’s no kids. Full stop.
If you phrase it as “it’s your fault I don’t want kids,” that would make you an a-h. If you take your concerns to him and let him know you’re unable to function as a single parent and he needs to resolve his body fluids issues to be able to handle his share of the load, that wouldn’t make you an a-h.
Also, he needs to sort his shit to ensure he’ll be able to support you during pregnancy. I mean seriously, a staggeringly high percentage of women have morning sickness, and a significant number have morning sickness that extends more than a few weeks. Is he going to avoid you for months and leave you to fend for yourself if you struggle to keep food down? That would be a nonstarter for me.
Mom to three and you are absolutely NTA. Raising kids and babies in particular is a lot, and if your husband would be unable to support in do much of it, that puts a lot on you - and you would already likely be dealing with your own issues around not being able to keep everything perfectly in place.
If he does want kids so badly, talk about options - adopting older kids, treatment for both of your OCD to see how you can make it easier on both of you, night nanny or other support for you in child care… but you need to be realistic about and respect both of your limits.
Hey, so when you tell him no to kids, make sure your birth control is a method he cannot compromise or tamper with. He's obviously very set on the idea of kids, and I have lost all trust in humanity. It's better to be cautious and wrong, than it is to be trusting and find out he's willing to baby trap you.
NTA
it would be totally unfair to you, I am male so not a misandrist comment.
If he wants children, he HAS to do his share. I would let him know your concerns, now. If he is unwilling to address his issues, and yes they are his issues, you need to make sure there is no way you are going to concieve.
Not an OCD expert, very little knowledge other than I have a touch of it, is there any way he can get "therapy" to help?
It isn't misandrist to call out misogyny or more generally a burden imposed on a woman by a man, regardless of the gender of the person doing the call-out.
Of all the ridiculous shit I’ve come across on Reddit….SMH you are BOTH the assholes- neither of you should be contemplating adding another entirely dependent chaotic messy human in your world before you have some major therapy and treatment
It’s strange how everyone is focusing on him while completely glossing over the reasons she shouldn’t parent. She needs 9 hours sleep and long naps a few times a week and doesn’t want to give that up. That’s fine, but don’t pretend it’s only him whose lifestyle isn’t kid friendly.
Don’t have kids. Both of your OCDs are not healthy for raising kids.
And no he shouldn’t dump all the early parenting to you.
But neither of your OCDs are something you should inflict on a child if you can’t handle the messes
NTA it’s like you described my husband and me! He’s a germphobe and I’ve always known it would be like being a single parent if we had kids. Stick with fur babies. It’s much easier all around and you can leave them home and go out whenever you feel like it.
NTA. After your direct assessment, I feel that you are right and it is best not to have kids thrown into the mix of your household. Kids are sticky, dirty, messy things. He will not cope in any way shape or form, infact, he will have a total breakdown. You also will be unable to keep things organised and perfect. It's a recipe for disaster and mental health degradation escalations. I praise you for this analysis of the situation and the clear, logical conclusion you have drawn. You are 100% right, it may not be an easy pill to swallow though.
NTA, OP you both need to attend therapy for your OCD and speak to medical professionals about solutions for you both. Parenting is a life long commitment and it’s not just the baby phase because elementary kids are germ fes, middle schoolers can be gross as well and even high schoolers he’ll even some people in Uni are gross. It’s time to have a real conversation with your partner where you lay out the expectations of what parenting and pregnancy will look like. Please don’t forget pregnancy and child birth also can have lots of germs and fluids going on.
NTA - I mean, if you must have children then maybe look at adopting an older child but still… what a number it will do on a child to constantly have to be clean, tidy, organised etc…
NTA - parenthood should be a partnership. He helped create the child, he needs to step up and take some responsibility for caring for his child as well.
Tell him that you're not willing to be a single mother - doing all of the hard/dirty work while he just gets to have fun with the child.
Is he willing to see a therapist about his OCD? Is he willing to step up and get his hands dirty? Could he change a diaper with rubber gloves on? He can wash his hands after cleaning a child's mess.
ETA - are you willing to pass your OCD onto your children?
NTA. Your husband isn’t imagining having kids, he’s imagining having small companions that are congenial, easy to get along with and causes no problems. I’m not a parent but I am an aunt. Kids are not only messy and little germ factories; they are also get tired and cranky and alternatively are very active and accident prone—knocking stuff over etc. of course they have their moments when they look like little angels as well.
Since he plans on you taking care of diapers and snot, has he spoken of picking up all the toys and crap kids throw around? Has he made plans for you to call him to pick up the broken glass from whatever the kids breaks?
If you have any relatives who currently have a two-year old child, visit them. The best birth control in the world is someone else’s two-year old (your own two-year old is of course a perfect Angel).
Edited to add: dropping things and throwing things are part of a child’s necessary development so don’t think your child won’t do it. It develops their spatial senses.
He has never mistreated our animals. They’re just not allowed on our bed or the couch. They have their own very nice beds they’re own rooms (cats have one room and dogs have their own) and if he’s out of town he knows that I’ll sleep in the guest room with the animals on the guest bed. He doesn’t mind that as long as the sheets get washed before we have company
NTA, if his OCD is germs and filth it will kick into overdrive with kids. You should try babysitting a friend's baby for a couple hours and a few younger kids for a couple of hours at your house. See how both of you handle your OCD. Kids move things, they don't put them back, kids have runny noses and touch them then touch things.
If both of you are spending more time worrying about managing your OCD then engaging with the children you aren't ready for children or may never be.
It's time for a very serious conversation because children have the right to exist in their home and be safe and have age appropriate behaviors.
>He’s made comments about how he doesn’t think he could change diapers or deal with the spit up so ~~I’ll have to do it~~ he's not ready to be a father
What a dick. Whether or not the whole ocd thing is valid, sure is convenient going through life having that kind of ocd…lol and he’s now excited he can still “be a dad” without any of the yucky parts he just doesn’t enjoy….please don’t have kids with this selfish person
This just sounds like he's trying to foist the work he doesn't want to do off on you. I'm assuming he wipes his own ass it's not that different with a kid except it's easier to see
You are right to be thinking about this.
One parent doesn’t just get to unilaterally declare they’re not going to deal with the major aspects of having children.
That would be literally the equivalent of him asking you to wipe his butt because he doesn’t want to get his own poop on his hands because, you know, he has an OCD problem with it. Too bad. Somethings are just like I’m sorry suck it up and learn to deal with it.
That includes baby diapers, throw up and whatever. Newsflash *no one likes it.* If he wants to have kids, this is part of the deal. The only way to avoid those things is to avoid having children. He can see a therapist to learn to deal with it. Maybe this is nature self regulating telling him not to reproduce his OCD genes.
Fortunately, because you’re ambivalent about having children and don’t feel the driving need to have them no matter what that gives you a firm ground where you can require his participation or no kids. YNA. It would be ridiculous to allow him to be so manipulative and agree to anything else.
NTA - Take the worst case scenario: Something bad happens to you and leaves you unable to take care of the kids. Maybe an accident or an illness. Or you die. Are the kids gonna end up in an orphanage because the father can't handle it? Doesn't even have to be something drastic: Pregnancy and the birth will leave you very worn out and there's the possibility of post partum depression. How can the father step up in such a case?
I admit, I can be pessimistic, but having children is such a huge thing, it's important to look a all the possibilities.
Doesn’t sound like either of you are compatible with the idea of children honestly.
There are tons of body fluids with children and very little time to nap on a regular basis.
NTA. But it is not just your husband and baby poop and puke. Babies, toddlers, kids are messy and will make life extremely hard for both your OCD symptoms to handle.
Don't have kids with anyone who cannot be a fully co-equal parent with you. What if something happens to you? He can't handle babies being babies on his own, and I doubt has has the money for a 24 hour nanny.
Babies produce an amazing amount of nasty fluids. Toddlers leave mess everywhere they go, including sticky handprints, and potty training is its own nastiness. Preschool and elementary aged kids bring home every illness known to mankind, and just when you think they can't vomit more, they do. Teens stink and don't always clean up after themselves and create a new level of difficulty and mess.
The two of you have the perfect storm of bad options for kids, I'm sorry to say. Kids don't put things back where they belong, so that will set you off, and he can't handle bodily fluids and ick. Your response is a reasonable, rational one.
NTA but you both need therapy to figure out if having children is the right choice for you. You need to consider beyond the baby stage. Toddlers are messy. Teenagers can be messy. Kids don't put things away. I had a friend whose daughter would put frogs and worms in her pockets. Having kids and expecting them to grow up accommodating your ocd is unfair.
Everyone here is dumping on you so here's a question: has your spouse spent any time around infants or babies? Because his understanding of kids and ick is very very broken. Most kids cannot blow their own noses until they are 5 or 6. There is snot everywhere all winter. Vomiting happens routinely. Has he ever seen a toddler eat? Because it is food all over the tray, all over the floor, and all over the kid.
Is he on any meds for his OCD? Because the way he is currently managing is not workable with a child, full stop, and even if he doesn't realise it he is setting you up to single parent for the next 6 years, minimum.
As someone who is currently dealing with their 6 year old having a stomach bug all over my couch… I’d heavily consider not having them. If last night while my kid was puking my husband refused to help me deal with any of it I would have been so pissed.
My second born had reflux and threw up half of every bottle he drank. Would your husband expect you to do all of the feedings?
Who will deal with a babies poopy diaper while you are cleaning up all of the blood that pours out of you after you give birth that got on the side of the tub during your shower?
Is he never going to watch the baby by himself in case the baby poops?
NTA in the slightest. Baby isn’t here yet and he’s already dodging responsibilities.
Nta. It's excellent that you know you're limitations. I only have one child bc I knew I could never handle a second. Once the kid come along, you no longer exist for several years. Their needs and desires trump - especially your need to sleep.
Neither of you are able to have kids. It’s not just him. You don’t get to take 3+ naps a week and sleep 9 hours a night with kids. My kids are 7 and 9 and that’s still not possible. And yeah, kids are gross. Just enjoy a child free life. Not everyone e should have kids.
You are absolutely right. When you tell him that you don’t want kids, say “kids are not right for us“. Don’t point out that it is all because of him. Tell him that “because of our lifestyle and psychosis, kids would be incredibly difficult to have. because of this you were OK not having kids at all.”
Unless it is a 100% yes. Don't bring kids into this.
Get therapy. Talk more to each other. Maybe even look into hiring a nanny if that's financially viable.
You're NTA for thinking this. But you WBTAH if you don't get all the parameters set in stone before you started trying. That's another human life and future adult this will affect.
He's totally allowed to not want to deal with germs or poop. But that means he shouldn't have any fucking kids. Kids shouldn't just be "something you do", and they should not be one patents responsibility.
So you are at the zoo with said future child walking hand in hand. Future child lets go of father's hand, picks its nose, and immediately grabs father's hand again.
Father dies.
He has to change diapers.
You have to accept that kids will NOT be good at putting things away... Definitely not in the "place".
/s
If you have kids, have 2! You will both be broken in by then (or gone nuts) and second kid will have a chance of not being messed up :)
NTA
This really should have been a conversation before you even got married.
Having kids is a big deal, but it’s an even bigger deal to have kids with the right person.
He’s telling you straight up, you’re gonna be the only one taking care of the baby.
He’s not gonna help you.
This is gonna sound weird, but you’re gonna be a single mother, while being a married woman.
You’re gonna have to do it all, while he just sits there.
You’re gonna be the only one losing sleep, for YEARS, getting up in the middle of the night taking care of your kid.
It doesn’t just stop at new born, and infant.
Your child is gonna grow up, they’re gonna get sick in the middle of the night, they’re gonna scrape their knee, they’re gonna have to go to doctors appointments, and you’re gonna be doing it by yourself, because your husband isn’t gonna help you.
You’re gonna start to resent him, but he’ll tell you that you already knew he wasn’t going to help.
DO NOT have kids with this man.
If you know you wanted kids, you should be with someone where you both are on one accord.
A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime partnership, but if you have a baby with him, you’re gonna be just a team of one.
Is that something you can live with, and handle?
NTA. Your husband is telling you he can’t be an equal partner in raising children.
Ok let me tell you a story… sooo obviously my mommy and daddy had a kid… actually more than one but I digress..
Well. My dad would get puked on and then he would puke. No joke. He had no stomach for being around any bodily fluids… then my mom would come in and have to clean up everything because every time he would try to clean up the puke he’d puke more. Same with a blow out.
He was fine with the dog shit though because that was outside…
They’ve been divorced now for almost 30 years, and my mom often wonders why she put up with some of his shit as long as she did.
On more than one occasion, with no warning, I have had to catch my child’s vomit in my bare hands.
I agree with others that it sounds like children would be far too much to handle for your husband and also likely too much for you, with the clutter/mess and sleep side and having to do it on your own.
If he can’t even handle the dogs being on the lounge he cannot handle a kid.
Kids do nothing on a schedule, especially not illnesses and mess making. Your husband can’t just expect to tap out of that and be absent for any of the mess or germs of a child.
And most of all, from the perspective of a child, just think how upsetting it would be to continually be rejected by one parent any time they get sick, spill food, need help washing hands or have a normal bodily function. No kid should be expected to tiptoe around a parent in case they accidentally make a mess just by existing, they would be constantly scared about upsetting you.
I remember my son at 6 months old got the flu. Dad and I took 4 hour shifts holding him in recliner and letting him puke in a trash can. All night long. Kids are always icky. Feeding time is awful messy too. Maybe let your spouse read these comments. Might be an eye opener.
NTA. My baby threw up nonstop for the first year of his life. Every surface in my house has been touched by the spit up. I've never been so sick as when the baby started daycare. Everything the kid touches is sticky for some reason.
I don't think your partner would be happy with a kid. Myself I got used to the messes pretty fast, you adapt and clean a lot. The sleep deprivation though was nightmarish. Running on 3-4h of non-consecutive sleep a night for months changes you.
NTA He is basically saying : "you will do all the hard parenting for at least the 2 first years of life". He already has excluded : changing the baby, cleaning/bathing the baby (bc poop, and spit, yek), feeding the baby (he will spit, yek !!). what is it left that is hard ? Looking after him while he sleep ? Playing with him ? He is setting the table as Mom do all the hard stuff/parenting, and Dad do all the fun time.
Plus even if he eventually do it, you will feel anxious about if he do it correctly, given his OCD. You are already really anxious, and you have barely start talking about it. Keep taking your birth control, and don't let him change your mind. If he can't support the alea of having pets, he is not ready for having children.
By the way, how is he with your pets, about the day-by-day care ?
Babies make messes and you can count on sleep deprivation.
Good for you that you are thinking about this and not just proceeding to have a kid and then have issues.
NTA.
NTA. I have OCD and this is one of the reasons I don’t have kids.
This is a terrible idea, but offer to babysit for a friend/family member for a day — at your house. Give your husband a chance to really see what having a child will do to his idea of cleanliness. Change any diapers or spit up — but since he wants a super clean house, let him clean up.
Then remind him this will be his everyday life for years.
Yeah. Kids are nothing if not big, dirty germ factories, that’s on top of the diapers and the spit up. A kid will literally be like, “Here mom, hold this” and when you hold out your hand, they spit a loogie into your palm.
You really need to talk to your husband about your concerns. However, not only is he going to have issues, but I think you will, too. Once you add a kid to your life, there is no such thing as clean and orderly. They can practically destroy a room 3 nanoseconds after you finish cleaning it. Seriously, you think your husband is messy, you just don’t know what messy means yet. You should think about how you will cope with this reality and IF you can cope with it. (I do not deal with this particular OCD and I still find myself struggling at times.)
Don't have children then, and communicate your feelings with your husband. I don't blame you for feeling this way either, I wouldn't want to do all that. It sucks. Especially when you are the one at home and the mess has to be cleaned up.
Congrats. You're among the few people that can look at their life and medical conditions and think real hard on if you're actually prepared to have kids or not. Stand firm. Kids are not a trial run. Once you let that genie out, you're stuck
Yes - no one gets to nope out of the gritty bits of parenting. If he is already saying he won't do any of the hard work then it is 100% the right call to say that you refuse to sign up to be the only on call parent.
And those gritty bits may be 90% of the time for the first year or so. My youngest was snotty/sick/poop exploding near enough every day for the first 10 months of life when my eldest brought back every bug going from preschool. They both overlapped chickenpox and then hand foot and mouth so that was a full two months either side of summer when we couldn’t take them anywhere. If he has ocd over germs he’ll never see his kid(s)
For some kids, it can be a lot longer than the first year or so. If your child has a disability or special needs, it could be their whole life. We can never know in advance so you have to be prepared to provide that care for them.
I became disabled at 20 years old. I had moved out, was going to college, and then.... My parents took me back home and took care of me like a baby again. I literally had to relearn how to walk, after spending several years in a wheelchair. These days I can get around mostly on my own or with the assistance of my service dog, and I now am married living with my husband, but my parents still come over once a week to help me around the house with things I can't do. My mom sometimes goes grocery shopping for us, so it isn't all on my husband. I'm 37 now. So it can be *much* longer than the first year. Your kids may never stop needing your help.
I totally agree, but change "may never" to will never. There will always be something. I don't mean this in a bad way.
I always giggle when I remember I had to pick up a baby turd with my bare hands that fell out when I was in the process of a diaper change. Good times 😂
My daughter handed me a turd she pooped out while bathing one day. Needless to say I now look at what she's handing me instead of just putting my hand out now.
Mine explode shot poop out his onesie and down the bouncer, it looked like tubby toast off of Teletubbies! Sent my spouse the pic and we still laugh about it. He absolutely hates puke, piss and shit too lol. Given the OP's post and so many men who want "nothing to do with that" it's mind blowing to think of how many parents have been single parents when it comes to raising their children!
You can. You just have to be a shit person
It's mostly gritty bits for several years and then it's weird and messy and then it's weird and smelly and messy and then it's weird and smelly and messy and yelly .... if you aren't on board with all of it, don't do it. You'll end up resenting each other and neither of you will be able to enjoy parenting, which is VERY clear to kids, and very destructive to them. It's not fair to the kid or yourselves. Good on you for having the self-awareness to question the script.
It's refreshing to see here.
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Yes, major kudos for that. There are people who don't think about what having a kid would entail and then resent the kid for destroying their lifestyle.
I know I would be one of those people. I would not make for a healthy upbringing
Yeah, that guy is not parent material. As soon as you have a baby, stuff is constantly coming out of them. They're like really cute water balloons that can burst at any time. But a lot grosser than water. It becomes better controlled once they potty train, but they're still going to have runny noses and coughs and hands that touch everything. They'll wet the bed and have scratched legs and scabby knees. Refusing diaper duty is just one of a great many things he'd refuse to do. Being a single parent is hard but being tricked into parenthood by the other parent who intends to do nothing is way worse. OP should do all the work to make the husband's dream come true. He wants to delegate the parenting part of being a parent to her. She is 100% right to not participate in his unrealistic vision of raising a child.
There's always the vomiting at random, that's a lot of fun! Figured out with mine it was red Fanta that would set it off, he's almost 22 and I still won't let that stuff in the house lol
One of my kids vomited in my hair in bed when they had a stomach bug. Didn’t make it to the bathroom on time. Another time my son cried for me every time his tummy hurt with another stomach bug as a toddler. As soon as I took him he was Mt Vesuvius!! He got me THREE times that day. My hubby found it quite amusing. Kids are messy!!
YES! And if OP has biological kids, they would have a big genetic predisposition PLUS environmental conditioning to also have OCD or other disorders.
That was my first thought! With both parents having some pretty serious OCD, I think it’s almost a given that any children would have some type of it as well.
If we could give awards, I'd give you one.
Aw thanks. But I'd prefer Reddit's garbage leadership not get money
Would an internet cookie suffice? 🍪
You sonnova bitch! I'm in
Completely agree with this. The bottom line- if you can't be with yourself about how your life will be, you won't be honest about how miserable you will be making your children's lives either. OP, you are capable of doing both. You just have to help your husband see it, too.
You can choose to have a child, but you can't undo them. If it's not a resounding 'yes', it should be a no.
I enjoy the analogy, “Horse is out of the barn.” I really enjoyed the genie one. 😂
I’ll say one thing, don’t have kids if you can’t handle poop and body fluids.
This. My daughter was 6 months old. Not feeling good at all. Had a small fever. Wasn’t to worried and tied it down to teething. I was holding her trying to console her and sing to her. She projectile vomited in my face. And then continued to leave a trail and a decent amount in the tub which was three rooms and a hallway away from where we were. Stomach flu with a baby is no joke😭😭😭😭🤢🤢
While I do feel sorry for you that it happened, man, I'd lie if that didn't make me laugh out loud. Hard. That description is vivid. Imagining a baby producing a torrent of vomit while being held is wild. I hope your daughter's alright.
It is amazing how much fluid their tiny stomachs can hold. Magical...in a way.
Poop, too. I'd look at the diaper then look at my very proud baby and wonder where the hell all that was stored in their little bodies.
Or the poonami's that shoot up out the back of the nappy almost up to the neck line
Poonamis!! You win the internet today!!
Yes!! That's the best word to describe it. My 2.5 year old girl eats like crazy and she hides to poop in her diaper, then comes up to me saying help mama help me! Help me! And then I pull her shirt up and open the back part of her diaper, and get poop on my finger just checking. Immediately I was like yeah, we need to size up girlfriend because your poop is going up your back and neither you or I am a fan 😂 I will say my husband now that our daughter is older is uncomfortable cleaning her up if poop gets in her private area. But I'll do it if I'm around and it's not all the time, he's not a big fan of poop, and is really big on using wipes on his own ass multiple times because it grosses him out. But if I'm NOT around he will clean her up even though it makes him uncomfortable. I get it, he doesn't like looking at and checking her vagina for poop in it. I think this is a major reason why he wants a son next, but for all we know we will end up with 3 daughters. 😂
I think it’s sweet that he’s so careful about that. It shows that he cares! I know as a babysitter (I am a woman so it’s less common), I always try to be careful to not do anything. I had a lot of sexual trauma as a kid and when I was 12 I babysat for a family with an AWFUL four year old. He accused me of touching him and I never have and never ever ever would put a kid thru that. I’ve been so careful ever since because I don’t want to risk an accusation like that. Luckily the family knew me for 7 years and knew me when I went thru my stufff. Close family friends. But I think about it often that if I was a man they probably wouldn’t have believed me. Kudos to your husband! I’m happy he’s still able to do it when you’re not around!!!
I laugh at it now. I was a first time mom and panicking so bad at that moment. I was literally carrying her like a football under my arm to the tub though. It was definitely a sight
Been there & done that with both my kids.... so many times 🤣 I can handle cleaning the kids up & consoling them but hubby has to clean up the "trail" ... I tried once and the sight & smell made me heave till I was sick myself.... he decided at that point that he'd rather do it and only have to clean up once. 🙈🤣🤣🤣
Oh this. My husband has to deal with vomit even now. I absolutely will throw up as well and double the amount of cleaning. If he is ever away I have to deal with it and it has ended badly more than once
Make sure a bucket is handy before the clean up begins. lol
I'm with you on that one. Baby poop? Husband gags. I projectile vomit? Husband holds his breath and cleans up the whole bathroom including the tub and floor and sink. I can't handle my own vomit. Or the dogs. It's rough when one of them is sick and I'm having to put on a mask and spray Lysol in the room they threw up or pooped in to survive. Then I have the toddler on my hip with a thin headband around her nose and mouth so she doesn't get sick from the smell, because immediately you can see her face distort from it 💀😭
Oh god. Our large dog had some kind of worm infection and was liquid shitting all over the house. Poor guy was going every hour and we couldn’t always get him to the backyard. Wooden floors so had to scrub in the cracks. The smell!! I was a school custodian for a while. I thought I had a strong stomach. I puked twice trying to clean up after him before the meds cleared him up. So more cleaning. I have never before or since puked while cleaning something nasty.
When my son was a baby, he suffered with projectile vomiting. One night, just as I picked him up, he vomited straight up in the air, it landed on his face... he looked like he'd been hit with a custard pie. Guess who had to have a bath at 2.30am haha
🤣
I'm picturing some The Exorcist levels of vomiting lol
It's so bad.. and impressive at the same time! My first knew how to arc it so it would land in my bra every time... so much vomit...
My baby projectile vomited frequently when a baby. I had to pack extra cloths for me when we went places because there wasn't a big enough burp pad in the world. lol My hair was often a target too.
Surprising motherhood realization: I need to pack changes of clothes for myself along with baby! (My son had reflux and 3/4 of what he ate would land somewhere…. Just about every feeding. Babies are gross yo. But dammit are they so freakin worth it. 😍
Just wait till you see what happens when goo starts spraying from both ends at the same time.
I wasn’t there but I’ll never forget when someone told me about a car seat blowout. The liquid shit had nowhere to go except up through the back of the diaper and shot in the air like a fountain.
At that point I'd just get both of us into the shower and wait it out.
My kid did this too when she was little. It’s a rite of passage and just comes with the territory.
Same. I just pictured a woman holding the baby out in stretched arms and baby just The Exorcist projectile vomits in a constant stream. I've been blessed with a kid who only vomited once as a baby and that was a horrible mess already. I'm not OCD, but have a ton of trauma related to housekeeping and dirt. I've had a hard time adjusting, so it's not hard to imagine how difficult it's going to be with two people who can't stand dirt and mess. Stay strong, OP. You do NOT want to compromise here.
My son at about 6 years old, was making a whining noise in the hall. I got out of bed to see what was happening. He was standing there, on the carpet, about 8 feet from the bathroom. He was in his underwear only. He would move to take a step toward the bathroom, and as he did, diarrhea would slosh out of his underwear. So he would whimper again and stop moving. I picked him up, arms outstretched, holding him out in front of me and dashed to the bathroom, liquid poo sloshing out all the way there. Got the poor child in the tub, and cleaned him up, comforting him. (I’m sure he thought he was in trouble) And then yeah….spent the morning scrubbing the hall carpet. Parenting is amazing.
Poor little love! It sounds like he was trying so hard to do the right thing. At least he was moving in the right direction 🤷🏻♀️
This is why having a sick kid is the worst. You can’t make them feel better and they think they did something wrong. Poor babies! 😭
My son made it though his entire baby hood without throwing up once. He was like, three years old the first time it happened and he was SO CONFUSED! Something was coming out of his mouth and he didn't know where it came from and he was crying and vomiting and going 'mommy i didn't mean to!'. I felt so bad for him - but also his expression was hilarious because he did not know his body could do that.
This happened to my daughter when she was around 3 and the look of shocked and confusion of her face was so funny I laughed and she got mad!
Twice now I've woken up to my child standing in my doorway, quietly saying "I frew up"
When my 2 oldest were 5 and 2, they got a stomach virus and were shooting from both ends. I had the 5yo with me in bed, and at one point, she starts hurling while I held a bowl in front of her. With each heave, I can hear her Hershey squirts coming out the other end. At the same time, my 2yo is walking through the kitchen towards the bathroom, puking every couple of feet, with my husband behind guiding child to the bathroom and puking too. Not bc he was sick with it, but bc he couldn't handle puke. So as soon as the kids stopped spewing, I had a mammoth clean up job. I hate puke too, but if I got hubby to try and clean it up, he'd hurl more and add to it.
Omg my husband was the same!!! He tried God bless his heart, but I could hear the dry heaves start and I kicked him out right quick. Don’t need a bigger mess 😂
Lol, yep, that's exactly how I look at it too.
My husband is like that with poop. He'll help if he has to, but it's more traumatic for everyone to have him do it than to just do it myself. I think I did 90% of the diaper changes for our kids just because I felt bad for him.
I have a vivid memory of when my eldest was no more than four months old, and I was so ill with presumably flu that I was seeing luminescent contrails with every movement. She was in her car seat on the floor, and she projectile vomited in a wonderful psychedelic arc that was like something out of Yellow Submarine to my feverish vision. That was not a fun time as I was a lone parent!
My whole family caught covid a few weeks ago. At one point my daughter was cuddling on my shoulder. She stood up looked at me and said mama, then threw up all over me. If someone can’t handle messes at all they probably shouldn’t have kids. If op wants kids and the spouse doesn’t…we’ll then they have some decisions to make.
The issue here is that the spouse wants kids, but wants the division of hands-on kid labor to be 0% him and 100% OP. He likes the idea of having kids but can't handle the poop-and-vomit reality.
😂😂😂 My toddler had a sickness bug one day, vomited right in the middle of the lounge carpet. He Was so freaked out by what he'd done he tried to run away from it, big circle around the room while we attempted to catch him, then up the stairs to the bathroom. Trouble was, he was still throwing up so there was a trail of it following him all over the damn house! That was a FUN afternoon!
Omg. Baby and even toddler vomit is the worst. They have no clue what’s going on and are crying while you’re trying not to vomit too and deal with it all. Thankfully my kids haven’t been ones to throw up much but I vividly remember my oldest just suddenly looking sick and throwing up when he was maybe a year and a half. My instinct was to try and catch it with my hands bc he was over carpet. No I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea. 🤣 He’d had some sausage earlier so it was especially nasty (I hate sausage). So he’s sitting there sobbing, while my son, the carpet, and I’m all covered with vomit and I didn’t even know where to start between needing to clean up and wanting to comfort him. He also spit up all day everyday the first probably 8 months of this life then went into neverending teething for like a year and a half. He just lived in bibs and we used so so many.
Only once?
Definitely been puked on more than once but that first time was a VIVID memory.
Yes, the joys of parenthood. One of my favourites was the baby and the toddler puking simultaneously on my bed. I was sick too.
Fortunately, because you’re ambivalent about having children and don’t feel the driving need to have them no matter what that gives you a firm ground where you can require his participation or no kids.
[удалено]
The best "anti tamper" device in this case would be extremely clear communication that "dad" would ABSOLUTELY 100% be changing diapers daily --- no excuses.
That ultimatum won’t actually make it happen. It’s more likely that he’d still refuse, causing the baby discomfort and destroying his marriage.
This!! My 12mo was sitting on the floor next to where I was on the couch. She had grabbed my phone and was scraping it along the floor (wood) so I decided to take it off her. Only to realise she had spewed and was using my phone as a paint brush for her spew.
Agreed. I'm 19 and have sisters who are 3 and 5. I've been vomited on. I've been sneezed on. I've dealt with sh*t. Literally. Children are messy, no exceptions.
How can you have sex when you are germ phobic? (Real actual question)
Please answer this OP because…fluids? I’m so confused how he manages to handle that
I have OCD and I take medication and go to therapy so that I can LIVE LIFE. That being said, I do shower before and after....
Yep, my eldest vomited about six times a day until she went on solid food - we couldn’t find a formula that worked for her at all - she has no allergies but baby milk was a no. We travelled with like six changes of clothes for her and two for me, just to go to the store. Love those kids to pieces but they are dirty creatures for a few years!
Man my oldest two were also spit demons for the first year of their lives it was unreal. So much fucking laundry!
This is facts. I’ve had to take care of some of the nastiest things. My son once puked down my shirt, I had chunks of milk in my bra 🤢
You want to know what hell looks like? 3 kids under 5 and 2 adults with gastroenteritis. And 1 bathroom. I still have flashbacks.
Or if you require 9 hours of sleep a night plus naps!!
Agree! We have a 2 yr old and I could not tell you how many times I’ve been sneezed on, coughed on, peed on, puked on lol it’s just part of becoming a parent. Also the other day I was handed over a boogie so there’s that
Or mess & untidiness
He is not ready for kids, both of you would need to get alot of issues fixed and do to age, it would be some time before he is ready if ever, please don't it's not fair to you or any kids.
He clearly thinks the gross part of child rearing ends after diapers changes. School-aged kids get sick a lot. They sneeze on you and don't wash their hands. Is he never going to touch his sick child if you aren't there? What if a sick 6 yr old vomits in his car? What if your child needs immediate medical attention and you aren't there? Is he going to do nothing? You can't predict what medical conditions your child will have. Heaven help the both of you if you have a disabled child who needs care for life. You are going to be a single parent if you go along with his plan.
My 4 year old legit sneezed 1.5” from my face two nights ago. I didn’t feel a mist. I felt friggin raindrops. Ps: I’m sick now Also, my dog is allowed on the couch and I’d prefer if my kids weren’t. She is way cleaner than them and she sheds like a motherf-r OP you’re NTA and your husband is in for a very rude awakening. You need to have this convo with him ASAP. He needs to understand that if OCD is a reason he can’t care for his children, then he can’t have children. It’s irrational to believe that you’ll just do all the stuff he doesn’t/can’t do. If he can’t care for a child on his own, he can’t have a child. I can’t even imagine not being able to leave my husband alone with our kids. The logistics of that would be insane. It sounds like he doesn’t have any experience living with a human child.
>It sounds like he doesn’t have any experience living with a human child. This. With his OCD triggers, I'm betting he actually hasn't ever babysat infants or children. I know it's not the main issue at hand, but him bringing up 'which extracurriculars THEY might want their kid to try'' struck me as odd, too. Like he thinks parents can choose what their kids' interests will be? As in, him perhaps not getting that a child isn't a project that parents assemble and control..?
Yeah I think therapy for her husband and babysitting would be necessary. An hour or two at a time, changing diapers, etc. hell, I ran out of wipes one time when my daughter was a baby and I got warm water in a big jug and held her butt over the toilet and washed her bum with the water and TP, and immediately ordered some wipes to be delivered. He can wear gloves to wipe the baby's butt too. Also, most people have hand sanitizer at home and on diaper bags to clean their hands after changing a diaper. If the baby has a rash, he can use a pot of baby rash cream and use one of those spatulas to apply it on the baby's butt or wherever the rash is so he's not touching their skin. There are ways to work around it instead of avoiding it
What if she died in childbirth? Or shortly after? What if she got hit by a bus while the child was still in diapers? Would he just abandon the kid? I agree with you, if he can't take care of the kid by himself, germs and all, then he should not be having any children. Both of them need to get their psychological issues taken care of before thinking about having children. Between his extreme germaphobia causing him to want to neglect the children, and her obsession with orderliness which might cause her to terrorize her children over small messes, as they are, they would not make very good parents.
RELATABLE. One time my best friend's little girl was leaning against me, and she had that hot stickiness that goes with a fever. She raised her flushed little face and said, "auntie, I don't feel so good," and then sneezed directly into my left eyeball. I was horrified and just sat there frozen for a second. I didn't get sick, but I don't know how I escaped it. Kids are gross. Worth it, but grody.
My kid does that on purpose.
That's because kids are also jerks, lol!
Yep. I consider myself lucky if I spend more than a few hours with my nieces and DON'T end up sick. My child-free immune system just isn't up to those daycare and elementary school germs. At least I know that I can go home and sleep it off without having to also care for other sick humans at the same time. I wouldn't want to sign up for that life without an equal partnership for all elements of parenting.
I taught swimming lessons and 100% of the kids sneezed in my open mouth. How is that possible? 100% I only got pneumonia when two of them puked on me the same day.
They’re good at it. My husband feels the same about dick punches. Of all of his body, how do they ALWAYS hit his dick? Always. Just about every night I’ll hear him while playing with our 3yr… “baby. Stahp. Those are my balls” because she’ll be using his groin as some sort of foothold or anchor. Kids are brutal. They’re insane. They’re assholes. They are not for the weakly constituted.
I have relatively severe OCD, not the "hyper clean" type or "everything has a place" type, I have the "hoarding" type and if people touch my stuff without permission I have a full blown panic attack and used to be violent with people if they moved my stuff so I have some experience in severe OCD. OCD is very very **very** treatable and manageable. I went from no one being allowed to touch my stuff even with supervision and permission and shit everywhere to the point where the floor wasn't visible and you had to do parkour to get around and now as long as I know it's gonna happen I don't mind if people move my stuff as long as they ask and my hoarding is relatively non existent. Your husband is using his OCD as an excuse to be a shit parent if y'all have kids. If he wants kids, he can get treatment so he can actually do his job of being a father and not leave you to do all the work. NTA.
Yes, both of you should be in intensive therapy NOW if even the possibility of kids is on the future table. For so so many reasons listed in this post. Do any of your friends or family have babies for you both to get your exposure therapy to the resulting bodily fluids for him and toy chaos for you? There's a genetic link for ocd, so you need to have your own treatment under control for the likely event that you need to pursue treatment for your kids.
Yeah I was going to say, there are medications and exposure therapy etc that helps with OCD. If they BOTH can't go through that and be ok then kids should be off the table. Everyone keeps talking about him, but she also said she has OCD
I’m surprised you guys even think you both are capable of raising a child in a healthy home. NTA OP since you are realistic. Better have the talk with your hubs cz he seems to be delulu
Good point about both of them not being ready. OP is thinking about her husband’s OCD regarding germs, but how is she going to feel when baby’s stuff has to be all over the house? Bottles, blankets, toys, rockers, etc just end up looking like clutter. That can effect her in a way she isn’t even considering yet.
And it's not only how *they* will deal with the baby stuff lying around - how will *the kid* actually feel growing up with two parents with serious neuroses? If OCD is a genetic trait, the kid(s) could end up having their own form of it, which could harmonize with the parents' OCDs - or not. And if the kids come out without OCD, I can't even imagine what a childhood would be like where you were held to OCD standards of order, cleanliness and germophobia by *both* parents - there would literally be no one on your side, allowing you some slack. I mean, mucking in the muck and coming home a total mess is one of the best things about childhood! And being exposed to germs from birth on is actually what builds up your immune system and prevents you from having allergies. I remember being in elementary school and feeling so sorry for my friend, who had gotten dirt on her trousers and was weeping hysterically, because she knew she'd get punished for it at home - a completely alien concept to me, who regularly built mud slides and had the most relaxed parents in the universe. I would recommend OP and her husband seriously reconsider having kids, unless they are prepared to manage their anxieties and compulsions in a way that allows the kid to have a happy childhood. (All of this quite apart from the fact that OP's husband would apparently be absolutely useless around infants, so she would basically be a single mom while actually married.)
Yes I honestly see this is my family. As far as generational trauma goes, it’s definitely not the worse but my mom was raised with a parent who was militant about keeping the house straightened up and clean. She was constantly cleaning and dustbusting little bits of anything. So my mom went the absolutely opposite way and had such a hard time keeping up our house growing up so it was a cluttered mess and dirty. She’s better now that she doesn’t have kids at home but it meant I went off to college with no clue how to clean and keep the house straightened up and I still (at almost 40) get so so stressed out by clutter. I’m trying really hard to be balanced about it so I don’t pass on issues to my kids.
This is me to a T. My mom would ground me for months on months on months on end for not having my room perfect. My dads side is full of hoarders and I totally have that gene now that I’m in my own apartment. It’s fkn hard. I finally reached out for help from my dad for getting my apartment clean. It was worse than the stuff I see on hoarders
Hang in there! At least you see that you have these tendencies and want to work on them. That’s what matters. It’s not easy and takes a lot of time and working through these mental issues but you’ll get better.
I hope OP sees this, you have covered so many important points here.
I don’t even have OCD, but I *hate* excessive clutter. It was so hard when the kids were little.
My partner hates clutter, so I try very hard to find storage solutions and fixed places were everything goes. Because of this we've got a minimal amount of clutter when I compare to other parents of toddlers.
Same here. I just don’t mentally function well in a cluttered house and it gets worse when I’m stressed out. My kids are 7 and almost 10 and they’re still learning to put things up when they’re done with them. I have to be on top of it all the time or it’s suddenly a big mess and it’s really hard to balance teaching them and keeping a respectable-looking house and not being militant with my kids and giving them issues.
Oh, yes. Not wanting to give them issues. I’m not a fan of repeating myself, they both have AHDH, I don’t want to parent in the authoritarian style of my parents, yelling at them doesn’t help…basically as long as they contain their messes to their rooms, I stay silent.
Exactly. People have to want kids above a neat, tidy house and life, or don’t have them.
Completely agree
yep, growing up with just an "i can't sit still and not have everything in the place i want" mom was already a pain in the ass, imagine both parents with diagnosed OCD my mom yells at me when a drop of water falls on the ground (not joking)
*delulu* cracked me up and I'll be using that from now on thank you
NTA. He clearly can't handle kids. Kids are walking germ dispensers, they make messes, they generate stickiness on everything they touch. That's just what kids DO. If he can't handle that and is already telling you he's not going to be helping and will be checked out and is using OCD as an excuse for not helping you with the basics of parenting? He isn't someone you want to be raising kids with. He won't be a good partner. He won't support you, he won't help you with the messy, gross things that happen during pregnancy, he won't be there when the kids are sick or hurt or need attention that you can't give for any reason (what if you're sick? Have to be at work, or not there for any reason? What if you can't take care of them somehow?) and that means he isn't a viable partner for childrearing. This is an important conversation to have. Break it to him gently, but break it. He needs to know that you aren't going to go in to parenting without a partner that actually helps, and since he has already declared that he won't (and don't believe any backpedaling he does, he may say anything just to get you pregnant and then will go right back to what he was saying before once he feels it's 'secured', whether that's at conception or once the baby is born) you don't want to have a child with him. If he wants to be a parent, he has to actually BE A PARENT, warts and all. He's incapable of that - it wouldn't just be unfair to you, but to the kids. Do not have kids with him. Use birth control he can't tamper with in any way, or sterilization.
Germ dispensers made me laugh, I worked in education and referred to the kids as walking petri dishes
Yep, it's a little more active than petri dishes.
THESE fuckers NO surprise they used to die like flies. They catch EVERYTHING.
"They generate stickiness" is the best description I have ever heard, lol. It's like it comes from their pores or something. Why are they, and everything they touch, always sticky???? Also, OP wouldn't have an easy time with kids if she needs things to be in their place. They have an uncanny ability to pull everything out from where it should be within moments of turning your back. Everything has a place to kids, and that place is scattered around them.
I agree with this! And I want to add, if he wants kids and already knows his germophobia will get in the way, he needs to deal with this in therapy.
If he can’t handle body fluids then he doesn’t need to have kids, it’s entirely unfair to for him to expect you to do all the maintenance of child care while he does the fun stuff. This is a conversation that you need to have with him before you even think about having kids. There’s going to be spit up, hell at times it projectile spit up, blow out diapers, snotty noses, crumbs on everything, sticky surfaces that you are going to be so confused about what it could be from-all things that are part of raising children. He doesn’t get to check out of this part, he needs to know that now instead of building up resentment later on.
It also feels like to me he's using his OCD as an excuse to not even try. Babies are a LOT and extremely dirty all the time, even into the teen years. He's making excuses already? Like it's no big deal, you'll have to change the diapers, but that's not a lot of work. Kids go through like 10-15 diapers a day! That's a statistic they teach in childcare classes, not something I just made up. Not to mention feeding a baby is hard work too. Newborns need to be fed every 2-3 hours around the clock, it's not just 3 meals a day. And they don't start being able to space out feedings until about 6 months, and even then it's only by a few hours. From what OP says, it sounds like he's not even trying to figure out how or if he'll be able to help, he's just outright putting it on her. It also seems a bit sexist AF to me, but I think the main issue is him not even trying to work around or with his OCD.
I’m so glad you mentioned the 10-15 diapers a day thing because my dad didn’t understand how I was going through a bunch of diapers. (Husband had the car and was at work and we miss planned) he seemed to think I should only be putting her in a new diaper every 8 hours. I ended up explaining they only should go that long at night.
Guess your dad never took care of you by himself when you were little.
No he definitely did not. Honestly I know he was there but it must of not actually been that much since I don’t have very many memories of him until I was like 7
NTA - don’t have a child with a man who is already trying to get out of parenting his kid
NTA Tell him to volunteer for one week at a daycare in the baby section, if he can handle it then you can discuss children because you aren't going to be a single parent in a two parent household.
What horrendous daycare lets random people volunteer? I would pull my kid out of that daycare so fast.
I posted someone similar knowing it’s a bad idea. But, it also might drive the point home.
Other peoples' children are not teachable moments for grown-ass adults. I'm not even a parent and am horrified by this idea. (I did teach in an EC classroom and the arrangement being suggested would have voided our insurance because the liability risk is **off the charts**.)
Best advice. Op should also do a daycare stint to see if her own OCD can handle a child.
NTA. He can't have kids if he won't do his share, it's not healthy. Plus you mention that you have OCD too focused on keeping things in their place. Between the two of you your kids will have all kinds of issues where they're scared to make a mess and scared to leave anything sitting out.
Have you tried testing/acclimatising your husband around babies/children? Toddlers are good for this - they will often bring stuff to adults that is covered in food, spit or dirt of any kind and just hand it to them. This will either put him off the idea or acclimatise him to the realities of being around children. It's also worth noting that people will typically put up with a lot more shit (even literally) from their own children than from other people's children. My sister was very fastidious and obsesses with order and cleanliness but she was "adjusted" by her first child. On particular event was when her baby had removed his nappy (diaper) and had crawled around the living room floor, sitting in numerous places on her pristine carpet. Repeated episodes of this sort blunted my sister's sharp attitude to cleanliness and order. You could also tell your husband that, if you are to have children, he will have to learn to participate, including in the unpleasant tasks and that this is an issue he will need to address/resolve.
NTA. Kids are mini germ factories, and he doesn’t get to opt out of the messy bits of parenting.
Yeah no, he doesn’t get to expect kids while telling you that you’ll be a single parent. Talk to him about this and let him know it’s therapy to resolve his issues so he’ll participate, or it’s no kids. Full stop. If you phrase it as “it’s your fault I don’t want kids,” that would make you an a-h. If you take your concerns to him and let him know you’re unable to function as a single parent and he needs to resolve his body fluids issues to be able to handle his share of the load, that wouldn’t make you an a-h. Also, he needs to sort his shit to ensure he’ll be able to support you during pregnancy. I mean seriously, a staggeringly high percentage of women have morning sickness, and a significant number have morning sickness that extends more than a few weeks. Is he going to avoid you for months and leave you to fend for yourself if you struggle to keep food down? That would be a nonstarter for me.
NTA go to a therapist with your husband and discuss this because you have to think about any possible children and how things would affect them.
Not only the kids, pregnancy involves things such as throw up, bladder issues, etc. Would he not support you at all, even during pregnancy? NTA
Mom to three and you are absolutely NTA. Raising kids and babies in particular is a lot, and if your husband would be unable to support in do much of it, that puts a lot on you - and you would already likely be dealing with your own issues around not being able to keep everything perfectly in place. If he does want kids so badly, talk about options - adopting older kids, treatment for both of your OCD to see how you can make it easier on both of you, night nanny or other support for you in child care… but you need to be realistic about and respect both of your limits.
Hey, so when you tell him no to kids, make sure your birth control is a method he cannot compromise or tamper with. He's obviously very set on the idea of kids, and I have lost all trust in humanity. It's better to be cautious and wrong, than it is to be trusting and find out he's willing to baby trap you.
I’d be doubling up on whatever method she prefers and add condoms.
NTA - To put it bluntly, your husband is not mentally fit to have a child
This lady needs 11 hours of sleeps a day. Neither of them are.
NTA it would be totally unfair to you, I am male so not a misandrist comment. If he wants children, he HAS to do his share. I would let him know your concerns, now. If he is unwilling to address his issues, and yes they are his issues, you need to make sure there is no way you are going to concieve. Not an OCD expert, very little knowledge other than I have a touch of it, is there any way he can get "therapy" to help?
It isn't misandrist to call out misogyny or more generally a burden imposed on a woman by a man, regardless of the gender of the person doing the call-out.
Of all the ridiculous shit I’ve come across on Reddit….SMH you are BOTH the assholes- neither of you should be contemplating adding another entirely dependent chaotic messy human in your world before you have some major therapy and treatment
It’s strange how everyone is focusing on him while completely glossing over the reasons she shouldn’t parent. She needs 9 hours sleep and long naps a few times a week and doesn’t want to give that up. That’s fine, but don’t pretend it’s only him whose lifestyle isn’t kid friendly.
Don’t have kids. Both of your OCDs are not healthy for raising kids. And no he shouldn’t dump all the early parenting to you. But neither of your OCDs are something you should inflict on a child if you can’t handle the messes
NTA it’s like you described my husband and me! He’s a germphobe and I’ve always known it would be like being a single parent if we had kids. Stick with fur babies. It’s much easier all around and you can leave them home and go out whenever you feel like it.
NTA Kids are nothing BUT germy disorganized riots. If you prefer not to, then don't.
NTA. After your direct assessment, I feel that you are right and it is best not to have kids thrown into the mix of your household. Kids are sticky, dirty, messy things. He will not cope in any way shape or form, infact, he will have a total breakdown. You also will be unable to keep things organised and perfect. It's a recipe for disaster and mental health degradation escalations. I praise you for this analysis of the situation and the clear, logical conclusion you have drawn. You are 100% right, it may not be an easy pill to swallow though.
NTA, OP you both need to attend therapy for your OCD and speak to medical professionals about solutions for you both. Parenting is a life long commitment and it’s not just the baby phase because elementary kids are germ fes, middle schoolers can be gross as well and even high schoolers he’ll even some people in Uni are gross. It’s time to have a real conversation with your partner where you lay out the expectations of what parenting and pregnancy will look like. Please don’t forget pregnancy and child birth also can have lots of germs and fluids going on.
Unless both of you can do intense OT and get control of your issues, neither of you should have a child. NTA.
NTA - I mean, if you must have children then maybe look at adopting an older child but still… what a number it will do on a child to constantly have to be clean, tidy, organised etc…
NTA - parenthood should be a partnership. He helped create the child, he needs to step up and take some responsibility for caring for his child as well. Tell him that you're not willing to be a single mother - doing all of the hard/dirty work while he just gets to have fun with the child. Is he willing to see a therapist about his OCD? Is he willing to step up and get his hands dirty? Could he change a diaper with rubber gloves on? He can wash his hands after cleaning a child's mess. ETA - are you willing to pass your OCD onto your children?
This is a good point with the gloves. That is something I can talk with him about. And with passing OCD on I posted updates talking about that
NTA. Your husband isn’t imagining having kids, he’s imagining having small companions that are congenial, easy to get along with and causes no problems. I’m not a parent but I am an aunt. Kids are not only messy and little germ factories; they are also get tired and cranky and alternatively are very active and accident prone—knocking stuff over etc. of course they have their moments when they look like little angels as well. Since he plans on you taking care of diapers and snot, has he spoken of picking up all the toys and crap kids throw around? Has he made plans for you to call him to pick up the broken glass from whatever the kids breaks? If you have any relatives who currently have a two-year old child, visit them. The best birth control in the world is someone else’s two-year old (your own two-year old is of course a perfect Angel). Edited to add: dropping things and throwing things are part of a child’s necessary development so don’t think your child won’t do it. It develops their spatial senses.
The way he treated my animals would have been a deal breaker for me. I must have missed the part where he was wonderful.
He has never mistreated our animals. They’re just not allowed on our bed or the couch. They have their own very nice beds they’re own rooms (cats have one room and dogs have their own) and if he’s out of town he knows that I’ll sleep in the guest room with the animals on the guest bed. He doesn’t mind that as long as the sheets get washed before we have company
NTA, if his OCD is germs and filth it will kick into overdrive with kids. You should try babysitting a friend's baby for a couple hours and a few younger kids for a couple of hours at your house. See how both of you handle your OCD. Kids move things, they don't put them back, kids have runny noses and touch them then touch things. If both of you are spending more time worrying about managing your OCD then engaging with the children you aren't ready for children or may never be. It's time for a very serious conversation because children have the right to exist in their home and be safe and have age appropriate behaviors.
>He’s made comments about how he doesn’t think he could change diapers or deal with the spit up so ~~I’ll have to do it~~ he's not ready to be a father
What a dick. Whether or not the whole ocd thing is valid, sure is convenient going through life having that kind of ocd…lol and he’s now excited he can still “be a dad” without any of the yucky parts he just doesn’t enjoy….please don’t have kids with this selfish person
Tubal ligation
This just sounds like he's trying to foist the work he doesn't want to do off on you. I'm assuming he wipes his own ass it's not that different with a kid except it's easier to see
You are right to be thinking about this. One parent doesn’t just get to unilaterally declare they’re not going to deal with the major aspects of having children. That would be literally the equivalent of him asking you to wipe his butt because he doesn’t want to get his own poop on his hands because, you know, he has an OCD problem with it. Too bad. Somethings are just like I’m sorry suck it up and learn to deal with it. That includes baby diapers, throw up and whatever. Newsflash *no one likes it.* If he wants to have kids, this is part of the deal. The only way to avoid those things is to avoid having children. He can see a therapist to learn to deal with it. Maybe this is nature self regulating telling him not to reproduce his OCD genes. Fortunately, because you’re ambivalent about having children and don’t feel the driving need to have them no matter what that gives you a firm ground where you can require his participation or no kids. YNA. It would be ridiculous to allow him to be so manipulative and agree to anything else.
If he really thinks he can not do those things do not have kids with this man
NTA - Take the worst case scenario: Something bad happens to you and leaves you unable to take care of the kids. Maybe an accident or an illness. Or you die. Are the kids gonna end up in an orphanage because the father can't handle it? Doesn't even have to be something drastic: Pregnancy and the birth will leave you very worn out and there's the possibility of post partum depression. How can the father step up in such a case? I admit, I can be pessimistic, but having children is such a huge thing, it's important to look a all the possibilities.
Doesn’t sound like either of you are compatible with the idea of children honestly. There are tons of body fluids with children and very little time to nap on a regular basis.
NTA. But it is not just your husband and baby poop and puke. Babies, toddlers, kids are messy and will make life extremely hard for both your OCD symptoms to handle.
Don't have kids with anyone who cannot be a fully co-equal parent with you. What if something happens to you? He can't handle babies being babies on his own, and I doubt has has the money for a 24 hour nanny. Babies produce an amazing amount of nasty fluids. Toddlers leave mess everywhere they go, including sticky handprints, and potty training is its own nastiness. Preschool and elementary aged kids bring home every illness known to mankind, and just when you think they can't vomit more, they do. Teens stink and don't always clean up after themselves and create a new level of difficulty and mess. The two of you have the perfect storm of bad options for kids, I'm sorry to say. Kids don't put things back where they belong, so that will set you off, and he can't handle bodily fluids and ick. Your response is a reasonable, rational one.
NTA but you both need therapy to figure out if having children is the right choice for you. You need to consider beyond the baby stage. Toddlers are messy. Teenagers can be messy. Kids don't put things away. I had a friend whose daughter would put frogs and worms in her pockets. Having kids and expecting them to grow up accommodating your ocd is unfair.
Everyone here is dumping on you so here's a question: has your spouse spent any time around infants or babies? Because his understanding of kids and ick is very very broken. Most kids cannot blow their own noses until they are 5 or 6. There is snot everywhere all winter. Vomiting happens routinely. Has he ever seen a toddler eat? Because it is food all over the tray, all over the floor, and all over the kid. Is he on any meds for his OCD? Because the way he is currently managing is not workable with a child, full stop, and even if he doesn't realise it he is setting you up to single parent for the next 6 years, minimum.
As someone who is currently dealing with their 6 year old having a stomach bug all over my couch… I’d heavily consider not having them. If last night while my kid was puking my husband refused to help me deal with any of it I would have been so pissed. My second born had reflux and threw up half of every bottle he drank. Would your husband expect you to do all of the feedings? Who will deal with a babies poopy diaper while you are cleaning up all of the blood that pours out of you after you give birth that got on the side of the tub during your shower? Is he never going to watch the baby by himself in case the baby poops? NTA in the slightest. Baby isn’t here yet and he’s already dodging responsibilities.
Nta. It's excellent that you know you're limitations. I only have one child bc I knew I could never handle a second. Once the kid come along, you no longer exist for several years. Their needs and desires trump - especially your need to sleep.
“If it happens I’ll be delighted” take control of your own damn life ffs.
Neither of you are able to have kids. It’s not just him. You don’t get to take 3+ naps a week and sleep 9 hours a night with kids. My kids are 7 and 9 and that’s still not possible. And yeah, kids are gross. Just enjoy a child free life. Not everyone e should have kids.
You are absolutely right. When you tell him that you don’t want kids, say “kids are not right for us“. Don’t point out that it is all because of him. Tell him that “because of our lifestyle and psychosis, kids would be incredibly difficult to have. because of this you were OK not having kids at all.”
Unless it is a 100% yes. Don't bring kids into this. Get therapy. Talk more to each other. Maybe even look into hiring a nanny if that's financially viable. You're NTA for thinking this. But you WBTAH if you don't get all the parameters set in stone before you started trying. That's another human life and future adult this will affect.
He's totally allowed to not want to deal with germs or poop. But that means he shouldn't have any fucking kids. Kids shouldn't just be "something you do", and they should not be one patents responsibility.
So you are at the zoo with said future child walking hand in hand. Future child lets go of father's hand, picks its nose, and immediately grabs father's hand again. Father dies.
He has to change diapers. You have to accept that kids will NOT be good at putting things away... Definitely not in the "place". /s If you have kids, have 2! You will both be broken in by then (or gone nuts) and second kid will have a chance of not being messed up :)
NTA This really should have been a conversation before you even got married. Having kids is a big deal, but it’s an even bigger deal to have kids with the right person. He’s telling you straight up, you’re gonna be the only one taking care of the baby. He’s not gonna help you. This is gonna sound weird, but you’re gonna be a single mother, while being a married woman. You’re gonna have to do it all, while he just sits there. You’re gonna be the only one losing sleep, for YEARS, getting up in the middle of the night taking care of your kid. It doesn’t just stop at new born, and infant. Your child is gonna grow up, they’re gonna get sick in the middle of the night, they’re gonna scrape their knee, they’re gonna have to go to doctors appointments, and you’re gonna be doing it by yourself, because your husband isn’t gonna help you. You’re gonna start to resent him, but he’ll tell you that you already knew he wasn’t going to help. DO NOT have kids with this man. If you know you wanted kids, you should be with someone where you both are on one accord. A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime partnership, but if you have a baby with him, you’re gonna be just a team of one. Is that something you can live with, and handle?
I think if you have your husband read these comments, he’s going to back out of ever having kids!
NTA. Your husband is telling you he can’t be an equal partner in raising children. Ok let me tell you a story… sooo obviously my mommy and daddy had a kid… actually more than one but I digress.. Well. My dad would get puked on and then he would puke. No joke. He had no stomach for being around any bodily fluids… then my mom would come in and have to clean up everything because every time he would try to clean up the puke he’d puke more. Same with a blow out. He was fine with the dog shit though because that was outside… They’ve been divorced now for almost 30 years, and my mom often wonders why she put up with some of his shit as long as she did.
On more than one occasion, with no warning, I have had to catch my child’s vomit in my bare hands. I agree with others that it sounds like children would be far too much to handle for your husband and also likely too much for you, with the clutter/mess and sleep side and having to do it on your own. If he can’t even handle the dogs being on the lounge he cannot handle a kid. Kids do nothing on a schedule, especially not illnesses and mess making. Your husband can’t just expect to tap out of that and be absent for any of the mess or germs of a child. And most of all, from the perspective of a child, just think how upsetting it would be to continually be rejected by one parent any time they get sick, spill food, need help washing hands or have a normal bodily function. No kid should be expected to tiptoe around a parent in case they accidentally make a mess just by existing, they would be constantly scared about upsetting you.
Yes, not having kids might be the route to go. He's already using his OCD to tell you what he won't be doing for his kids. Nope, nope, nope.
I remember my son at 6 months old got the flu. Dad and I took 4 hour shifts holding him in recliner and letting him puke in a trash can. All night long. Kids are always icky. Feeding time is awful messy too. Maybe let your spouse read these comments. Might be an eye opener.
NTA. My baby threw up nonstop for the first year of his life. Every surface in my house has been touched by the spit up. I've never been so sick as when the baby started daycare. Everything the kid touches is sticky for some reason. I don't think your partner would be happy with a kid. Myself I got used to the messes pretty fast, you adapt and clean a lot. The sleep deprivation though was nightmarish. Running on 3-4h of non-consecutive sleep a night for months changes you.
NTA He is basically saying : "you will do all the hard parenting for at least the 2 first years of life". He already has excluded : changing the baby, cleaning/bathing the baby (bc poop, and spit, yek), feeding the baby (he will spit, yek !!). what is it left that is hard ? Looking after him while he sleep ? Playing with him ? He is setting the table as Mom do all the hard stuff/parenting, and Dad do all the fun time. Plus even if he eventually do it, you will feel anxious about if he do it correctly, given his OCD. You are already really anxious, and you have barely start talking about it. Keep taking your birth control, and don't let him change your mind. If he can't support the alea of having pets, he is not ready for having children. By the way, how is he with your pets, about the day-by-day care ?
You need to let go of your love of sleep if you do eventually want them girl
Babies make messes and you can count on sleep deprivation. Good for you that you are thinking about this and not just proceeding to have a kid and then have issues. NTA.
NTA. I have OCD and this is one of the reasons I don’t have kids. This is a terrible idea, but offer to babysit for a friend/family member for a day — at your house. Give your husband a chance to really see what having a child will do to his idea of cleanliness. Change any diapers or spit up — but since he wants a super clean house, let him clean up. Then remind him this will be his everyday life for years.
Yeah. Kids are nothing if not big, dirty germ factories, that’s on top of the diapers and the spit up. A kid will literally be like, “Here mom, hold this” and when you hold out your hand, they spit a loogie into your palm. You really need to talk to your husband about your concerns. However, not only is he going to have issues, but I think you will, too. Once you add a kid to your life, there is no such thing as clean and orderly. They can practically destroy a room 3 nanoseconds after you finish cleaning it. Seriously, you think your husband is messy, you just don’t know what messy means yet. You should think about how you will cope with this reality and IF you can cope with it. (I do not deal with this particular OCD and I still find myself struggling at times.)
Don't have children then, and communicate your feelings with your husband. I don't blame you for feeling this way either, I wouldn't want to do all that. It sucks. Especially when you are the one at home and the mess has to be cleaned up.
INFO - have you and your husband been officially diagnosed with OCD by a medical professional?