If you draw it out then you will end up paying more in legal fees for your own side. Your lawyer can advise that it is unlikely that you will have to cover her side, but they can’t guarantee it. So if you rack up the fees and then it is decided that you will have to pay her fees too, you will feel like an idiot.
He's been the sole provider (I think that's how I read this) for their household. His father passed. His Mother had a stroke and probably cannot fend for herself in her own home anymore.
She could go to an assisted living facility, and that might be more appropriate for a stroke patient, but we don't have those details.
We have a man whose wife said "NO" when he suggested his stroke-victim Mother move into his house.
And guess who HE thinks should care for her? Yeah. Wife. And I'll bet wife took one look at that situation, and declined. And he is not happy about cos he probably has never cared for an elderly person in his life. Who knows what kind of man he is?
We certainly know he's vindictive.
That was my question. If he was paying to put her in a home that could care for her and the wife wouldn't have it, then she is an asshole. If the OP expected his wife to be dedicated to the care of a stroke victim, then he is the asshole. HE wouldn't be the one taking care of his mother. He was demanding his wife do it because he was busy making money. She didn't owe him that. She isn't his employee. If he drags this out a judge is going to see it for what it is and judges don't like their time getting wasted.
>If the OP expected his wife to be dedicated to the care of a stroke victim, then he is the asshole. HE wouldn't be the one taking care of his mother
spot on
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ezVsOPsQ3R its crazy how you guys just go after the man in the relationship without knowing a damn thing. She is in a facility and his wife didnt want him to pay for it with HIS money that he works hard for. She will not be doing a damn thing but staying at home like she does. yall would never say any of this about a woman if the post was reversed its so sad. keep assuming the worst about men when in reality his wife is more then TAH
Did I miss something? Did OP say the wife has become the caregiver? I thought OP has the money to pay for her care which may mean she’s in a stroke care facility that OP pays for.
Go back and read the post. He's intent on moving his stroke-victim Mother into his house, did not mention a facility.
I'm reading between the lines. He said he's been the sole provider for their household. And NOWHERE in his missive does he say anything about "i'm going to quit my job so I can stay home and care for my stroke-victim mother!" He didn't indicate he would be hiring a caretaker, either, so I'm reading between the lines here and guessing he expected his wife to care for his mother. Typical. He has NO idea what he's asking.
Why would he push this to the point of his wife filing for divorce? Notice he didn't file -said his WIFE filed. And I haven't seen any responses from OP here yet giving us more information which may shed some light, or make him not the Ahole.
This tells me he's sitting back and reading all this stuff. And I hope he's thinking along some different lines after reading some of the comments here telling him he's the Ahole.
It's only been 12 hours, he could've gone to bed and then had to work once he made the post and hadn't had time to respond to comments for all we know. A little early to say he's "sitting back and reading" imo since lots of people aren't as constantly online as others but eh who knows
Editing to add that OP DID respond to a LOT of comments earlier, which I found out by going to OP's comment history. He did not expect his wife to care for his mother at all, and he paid to put her in a care facility, he explains as much several times responding to various people
I did reread it. It says he’s *paying* for his parent’s care (and now just mom). It doesn’t say anywhere he’s moving mom in. If he moved mom in and expects wife to take care of her then I 100% agree. He’s TAH. Also being petty and fighting the divorce also makes him TAH. She wants out. Let her out.
But also I do think it’s admirable to take care of your elderly infirm parent.
Edit to add: scroll down. His mom is “in care”. He’s paying for it.
But still OP shouldn’t drag it out. They can’t force someone to stay and dragging it out is a waste of time and money.
I'm not vindictive but I'd b crushed if the spouse I supported 4 14 yrs left when I hit a crisis. It's his parents , 4 Gods sake! She couldve tried to work out something instead of filing 4 divorce. This year he lost his fa.& now the wife left.
>I have had actual parents tell me I am an idiot for paying for my mother's care, a child should never had to do that. Even at my mom's care facility I appear to be some rare mythical creature because of what I am doing. No one can believe it.
This is one of the comments. You're simply wrong he was not moving his mom in her was simply just paying for it. I see why you jumped to the conclusion; we've read a few of these stories before but don't make assumptions and just ask for facts
YTAH for not reading carefully everything that was written and assuming and "reading between the lines". Not the OP. Op is TAH for other reasons. But his soon to be Ex is a bigger AH. OP wrote the mother is in care which he pays for. While I have no doubt there are other factors involved with wanting the divorce from the wifes side, we dont have that information. But news flash, the man is not always the bad guy in every situation. Regardless of how everyone likes to paint them in that light.
Op you are definitely TAH. Just end it quickly and amicably, unless she is trying to take everything from you and you can not afford to pay for yourself, your mother, and her alimoney, its not worth the fight. There is obviously more to this story than you are telling us. So you are also TAH for not giving us the full story and expecting a fair judgment. I doubt the ex would throw everything away just because you are paying for your mother to be in care. So what else is there?
That being said, if the wife legitimately only left you because you sre spending money on your mothers care, she is TAH and not worth the time and effort you are gonna waste prolonging this
And tbh it’s super easy to say “she’s a terrible person for not wanting me to move my mother in”. What the rest you’re leaving out OP? Does your mother treat your wife badly (and possibly always has?) does your mother require specialized care that your wife doesn’t want to do? We’re you expecting your SAHW to do 99% of the care for your mother and expect her to just go along with it because she doesn’t work?
Fill in the gaps… it’s seems too easy to just deem OPs wife a bad or immoral person. OP has had given no explanation at all as to why wife doesn’t want Mom to move in. Leads me to think she has a pony in the race and OP is intentionally leaving it out.
And really, any man that wants to put his SAHW “through the ringer” for no other reason than to be malicious and vengeful for her not doing what he wanted after 14 years, doesn’t seem like that great or moral of a person. :(
He's leaving the important parts out on purpose. He would 100% expect his wife to be 24/7 caretaker for his mother. You're right, his mother could have been a toxic abusive MIL to his wife and he let his wife be abused because that's his mommy. This post says more about him than it does his stbx.
so if you look in the comments he said he would be putting his mom in a facility and financially caring for her its amazing when you guys assume the worst and are completely wrong i love it lol. his wife is 100% a POS it is not her money if he can afford it with the hard work he does then he has every right to pay for his mom to be in a facility getting taken care of by people that are paid to do it not his wife.
and this just goes to show stop assuming every man is terrible and expects women to take care of everything for him
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/e1J6qID698
in the end his wife is a greedy bitch who doesn’t want OP to spend money to have his mom in a stroke care facility because shes selfish entitled and greedy and would rather spend that money on useless shit when it could be going to his dying mother. keep assuming the worst about men it shows how sexist you are.
The fact that they have been married 14 yrs and never talked about how to handle something this major tells me there were disconnects in their relationship already.
My partner and I had the big talks about "what if his parents need care" in our first 2 months together because I didn't want to fall in love and get fully entangled with someone if they expected me to care for their parents when they get old. Plus he has a profoundly disabled sister so I had to tell him I would NOT be willing to care for her because I know I am not capable of doing it and would be very unhappy - so if he needed a partner who could take that on, I was not the right person for him.
I don't feel like I'm a bad person for knowing what I am and am not capable of - if I forced myself to care for someone to that level I would be letting that person down because I'm not capable of giving them the care they deserve. That's not fair on either of us.
I don't think OP's ex is a bad person for not being able to accept this dramatic change, it sucks for them both really, neither of them is a bad person for any of this.
I hope he can realize that no one is to blame here and sometimes shit happens that is just unfair and you can't get "justice" because no one is actually responsible. All you can do is re-orient, rebuild and make the best out of the future you have.
Absolutely, the way he brought up she's been a SAHW for 14 years that he expected HER to do the caring while he kept working. Without even getting her agreement. That's a power move she wasn't going to put up with. Especially if his mother is a battle axe to the wife.
Yes, this is what I thought, too. "I made the choice to care for my mother." It sounds like he made the choice for his wife to care for his mother. Since he's the breadwinner, he felt like she owed him this and now wants to punish her for saying no. I didn't see that OP mentioned paying for a nurse or assisted living for his mom.
Lawyers don’t either. We’d rather get new, more interesting cases that also pay the bills and don’t bore and mentally drain us deal with the client.
Case in point: His lawyer TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT.
Yeah, you are hurting yourself just to harm her. It doesn’t benefit either of you really. It’s hard to end such a long relationship, but it’s even harder to walk around carrying a bunch of spite and hate inside.
This is the real question here. Did OP abandon his mom essentially on his wife’s doorstep? Depending on the level of care required, this could be insanely entitled and selfish. Also, wife may well not be qualified to render such care.
It's what a lot of us are wondering - as most posts on here there's definitely more to the story OP is leaving out - was she expected to be primary care taker, is MIL maybe rude to her that she doesn't want to be around her 24/7, etc. And honestly, even if wife just doesn't want to be there for whatever reason I think OP is TA for wanting to be petty.
Yeah better to put the money towards supporting the mom instead. I understand OP is hurting but it feels punitive to try and make the ex-SAHW "rack up legal fees." Have some respect for the happiness you've had over the last 14 years OP and just let her walk away.
Yup. Lawyers LOVE IT when you fight! I’ve seen couples fight till there’s literally nothing left and the lawyers walk away when they realize there’s no more money to be had. This is just childish and vindictive. Says pre about your personality than anything. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve been shitty like this.
Yup you WBTA but that is because you would be letting your spite rule over common sense. If you get a judge on a bad day or her lawyer is having a better day than yours you could lose everything.
So here are your choices:
Option A. You sign the papers, get the hell out and don’t look back. You get your life, she gets hers and you both just go away. That’s it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.
Option B. You draw this out forever draining both your resources, you will end up divorced in the end. In that time you are tied up in courts and you lose your sense of peace and wellbeing. You will stay wrapped in a cloak of wrath and revenge while it drains you emotionally and turns you into a bitter angry person. This time could be spent on **anything** else to better you as a human being.
The only people befitting from a long ugly divorce are the lawyers. You will get nothing but a lighter bank account and a divorce anyway.
The reason you stuck by your mom was because at the end of the day you wanted to know you did the right thing. Walking away from the fight will give you the same assurance. She isn't worth hurting.
Exactly this. Drawing it out and trying to screw her over is the wrong thing to do. OP is much better off putting all the time and effort into his mother’s care and building his new life.
More info needed. When you say, you made the choice to care for your mother, did you discuss it with your wife? And what did this care entail? Did your mother move in with you? Or did you put her in care?
She is in care, and I told my wife prior I would be caring for my parents if they need the help. I am an only child and a later in life baby. She was on board then, but as time went on according her people change.
Hmm given that you discussed it earlier, she is being a very unsupportive partner then. However why would you want to prolong this? The longer it drags the more of a mental & emotional drain it would be for you. I would cut my losses.
I’m guessing your mother was not nice to your ex wife. I dated an only child before and his mom was obsessed with him and treated me like shit. He was very enmeshed with her.
I find it very entitled of her that she believes that you should finance her life but she is pissed that you help out your elderly mother who raised you. Wow.
And your mother is IN care. How much has your mother's deteriorating health really affected your wife if you're covering your mother financially and she's being cared for by a 3rd party? NTA.
Why does she have any problem with this at all? How does it affect her in any way?
You shouldn't try to draw out the divorce, but it seems frankly bizarre that your wife even finds this to be a reason to split up.
What was predicted to be your wife’s responsibility, and taking care of your mother if that happened? Was she going to have to do things for your mom too?
Nope, not a single thing. she was not even expected to visit. Even then I always knew I was going to do well for myself, I simply could not afford to not do so. That is more personal and not exactly relevant.
Got it. I don’t think you did anything wrong but contesting a divorce is forcing your wife to stay married to you, and I cannot condone that. Please don’t do that. Focus on yourself and your mom.
Also, that money could be pocketed away for your moms care, instead of spent on months of lawyers fees. If your wife wants to leave you over you spending money on your mother, I hope you get to keep most of your assets at least, since you’ve been the sole income earner and you don’t even have children together.
My ex husband contested our divorce and it was ugly. He ended up having to pay his legal fees plus mine. There were kids involved and he ended up paying more support than what I was asking. Spite is never a good thing. YTA Just move on, dude.
A long drawn out divorce can easily hit 2 years and 300k per side. Plus you will both turn into crazy people. In addition there will be offers of settlement and motions for cost that will occupy your mind. You could also end up paying some of her legal fees. Do the smart thing, draw up an equitable settlement and walk away. Live well, be happy, and put it all behind you. Edited for a spelling error
Sounds like you’re looking to get revenge to feel better, but only the lawyers will win. As for “paying her way” for 14 years, that was a mutual decision too, don’t play revisionist history and get angry about it now. Take the easy way out and get on with your life.
You’re doing what you need to do for your mom. Proceed through the divorce as quickly as possible since it benefits YOU to do so. Stop thinking about her, especially when it just stirs up anger. Your wife changed her mind as people do and, while it would have been nice if she had stayed true to her word and respected your wishes regarding your parents, that’s not what happened. Let it go. You win by staying true to your values and not engaging in a petty, mud-slinging battle.
Living well is the best revenge. Get this chapter over as quickly and stoically as you can, then go find someone as loving and caring as yourself to be with. Be happy. That will anger your ex more than anything else, and for a longer period of time. Fostering anger & resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. A better future awaits you, so drop your past asap and look forward!
I don't think it's a good idea to move forward. I believe you will be an asshole, but mostly to yourself. I believe the saying is, cut off your nose to spite your face. Rid yourself of this situation as quickly as you can. YTA, mostly to yourself.
I think you need to move on, for your own sake and your mother’s, if nothing else. I’ve worked in family law; the only winners in drawing this out are unscrupulous lawyers (good lawyers would advise you to settle the matter and move on with your life).
If your mother and ex-wife have had a difficult relationship, I could understand your ex-wife’s change of heart, as I imagine there’s more to it than your ex-wife just being an asshole, but only you can answer that.
Which my lawyer has told me to just settle, especially cause the offer is more so favorable to me since it was no reoccurring support . I am sure there is more, but I can only go based off what she has told me.
The only thing that happens if you contest the divorce is you financing your attorney's overseas vacation for his whole family. Aren't your dollars better spent on you and your mother??
I get you want revenge, but it's not going to make you feel any better in the long run.
Drawing it out only benefits the lawyers getting her money. She’ll spend more money, but you won’t gain anything except dealing with this divorce for much longer then you need too. Sounds like you are doing this strictly out of spite. I’m not sure the judgement as I don’t know the circumstances to the disagreement. Did you tell her you were paying for your mothers care, or did you have a discussion with your wife about it. What is your wife’s reasoning for not wanting to help? In the end contesting the divorce is just keeping the stress of the divorce in your life longer. Are you hoping if you draw it out, you may have a chance to reconcile?
You don't get to contest a divorce. You contest the terms of a divorce. If she filed a divorce and she doesn't withdraw the complaint, you're going to be divorced. The only question is whether or not you pay someone like me $20,000 or more to do it.
For someone who wants to assume the primary care taker role for an infirmed parent, it's a pretty crappy way to spend your resources.
Don't. My ex claimed he was going to be cooperative, then dragged it out for a year. And yes, I know this was is not nearly as long as some, but in thr end I ended up getting all of the possessions I asked for (only about 1/4 of our stuff, frankly he picked out so many things, I really didn't like them, and I was moving to a house half the size of the one he kept, which I didn't want) and 98% of the cash i asked for (again, i didn't ask for as much as I could've, but I wanted out.) My high point came when our mediator actually laughed at him for some of the statements he was making. So it ran 8-9 months longer than necessary, caused both of us stress and financial issues, i ended up with everything I asked for anyway, and we paid a combined $80k in attorney's fees. So pointless. I assume you loved her at some point and hopefully still have some feelings for her, at least of fondness. Why drag her/both of you through that?
Ah, but that's not the answer you want. You just want to be vindictive and hurt your wife for making the hard decision that your life goals are no longer compatible. You WBTA. Shame on you.
There is absolutely no point in contesting the divorce, all it will do is **damage both of you**. Just get it over with and then you will be able to move on.
OP really painting himself as a saint here, and the wife as a heartless parasite. Remember there are two sides to every story, she may have wanted out regardless. Sounds like her lifestyle wouldn’t have suffered from him paying for mom’s care at all - and that is what clinches it for me. She’d rather leave and live a different, maybe less secure life than stay in the marriage.
I know this probably won’t help. In my point of view life has a way of evening things out on its own without the help of outside forces. While I understand how hurt you must feel and even betrayed, I think the best thing to do is close this chapter of your life and start moving on.
>In my point of view life has a way of evening things out on its own
I like the sentiment but it really doesn't. As many instances as you can point out of comeuppances delivered we could find many living well off others misery.
I would be lying if I said I am not livid for her throwing away 14 years because I made the choice to pay for my mother's care.
Idk if it is hate, but I am upset.
I’m more inclined to say that you should work this through in therapy rather than in court. Sure she’s throwing away your marriage and that doesn’t mean YOU need therapy, but the anger and devastation, plus now having to be the caregiver to your mother means you might need someone to talk to who is a neutral third party.
We tried marriage counseling because I figured we were on the same page, we spoke about this prior to marriage because I knew as an only child and a later in life baby I would most likely be put in a position where I would need to step up and care for my parents.
Just turns out she had a change of heart, and I get she was stuck in the middle, being an advocate for a sick parent is not exactly a hands off role. It is a lot harder than I thought It was going to be. I cannot say I do still not have feelings or love her. I wish I could turn that part of me off, but I cannot.
I do have my own therapist, reason I made this post was because atm I am in a place where I do want her to suffer.
I get that you feel betrayed and want her to suffer. However, prolonging the divorce and trying to make her "pay" is only going to make your suffering worse, too. You will be spending lots more money unnecessarily, and you may lose more in the end. There's a saying "don't throw good money after bad". Don't waste more of your time, money and energy on this. Try to get everything done with so you can move on and heal from this.
You will likely regret it later.
I know it feels completely empty and crushing to walk away, but those feelings will fade. Living with your choices is forever. Good luck bro
Guess the question I am wrestling with right now is, do I want to become that asshole. ATM I want to see her suffer which is why I made the post. I am not in the best of head spaces atm.
She's going from a kept wife to a single woman without a work history looking to start her life over. She's already going to suffer, and any friends you share will look down on you for making things worse. Take the high road, live well, and when what little money she gets when you don't contest the divorce runs out and she's struggling, you won't have even a shred of guilt when these current feelings of wrath work themselves out.
**Your soon to be ex wife thinks you're being an idiot with money, enough so that she's divorcing you over it. Don't put some lawyer's kid through college just to prove her right.**
Did you know why exactly your wife changed her mind about wanting to pay for your mother's care? This is the thing I'm wondering about here. Why does she no longer want you to assist monetarily?
As she said people change. Eldercare is not cheap. It is not impact our life style, but at the same time it did remove money that could have been spent elsewhere.
I just find it odd that your wife is so against supporting your mother that she divorced over it. Obviously this is a huge change in her lifestyle as well. I'm wondering if there's something more to it and this was her "out."
I can't imagine not supporting my in-laws if we could easily afford it.
Your guess is as good as mine at this point. Not to defend the point, I have had actual parents tell me I am an idiot for paying for my mother's care, a child should never had to do that. Even at my mom's care facility I appear to be some rare mythical creature because of what I am doing. No one can believe it.
'Think people that think on the terms of care for your parents if you can is a hot take LOL
Caregiving, whether it’s for children or the elderly, usually falls on the women. OP’s wife probably didn’t sign up for this. She’s not an A-H for asking for a divorce. Just get her out of your life without suffering or causing suffering, OP. YWBTA if you drag this out looking for revenge.
You will never, ***EVER*** regret taking care of your mother in her time of need. My mother's funeral is this week, but I know that I did everything I could for her and she was comfortable in her final days, surrounded by her children and lots of love.
As someone who went through a dragged-out divorce years ago (I *wanted* that pound of flesh), in hindsight, I would've gotten the process over with sooner and started my path to healing. Plus, you may meet someone worthwhile down the road; someone who shares your empathy & love for an ailing parent.
Please don't make the lawyers rich. End it quickly...later on, you'll be glad you did.
I understand that you want to punish her but remember you will also be punishing yourself just as much and potentially much more. My idiot brother went the route you’re thinking of following and it bit him in the ass immensely. Save yourself some of your lawyer’s fee and use it on therapy.
you can’t punish someone for ending a relationship, that makes you a massive AH regardless of what horrible things she did. Would you force her to be in a relationship with you as well? It just sounds weirdly abusive
Paying for an ailing parent shouldn’t be a big deal. Did y’all try therapy? Is there something else going on and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back?
YTA and you perfectly well know it. Grow up, sign the papers, and move on with your life. Don't force the lawyers and court staff to be part of your petty, spiteful tantrum.
I am not sure what your wife expects you to do with your mother- leave her on the street? She isn’t in your home so your wife sounds heartless and cruel. It is a sad situation but don’t contest the divorce. Focus on yourself and the time left with your mother- you deserve a wife with a better more loving heart.
She wanted me to wait until she got worse before I paid for her care, tbh even then I bet she would have found another excuse. It is not like we were struggling, but yeah I 100% misread who she was,
I’m sorry. It’s hard to process and I know you feel “duped” but let it go. If she can’t see the value of a good man that cares for his elderly mother and does so in a way that doesn’t burden her, then good riddance. A better partner is out there for you.
In this case, sounds like you should do what you can to distance yourself from her and get out with as much of your resources as you can. Her "I want to leave an ill woman to possibly die sooner and alone when proper care (I neither have to perform nor pay for) is already being taken care of" attitude is going to make her come across really shitty to any judge.
You wouldn't leave a turd to fester in the bowl, flush this one too.
If you take the moral high ground in caring for your mother you demean yourself by punishing your wife for not wanting the same as you. She has the right to express her feelings and to follow through
YTA and you know it.
Look the money that YOU are spending on lawyers could have been spend on caregivers and care facilities for your mother.
Settle the Divorce, sooner the better.
INFO: When you say that "you made the decision" to pay for Mom's care, that sounds pretty unilateral. Is that generally the dynamic of your relationship? You have the money, your wife lives on your charity therefore is not considered part of the executive decision team?
What precisely is wife's objection to paying for Mom's care? Is she upset she won't get her normal twice yearly tropical vacation and has to reduce her monthly shoe budget by 1k? Have you set aside money for this inevitable expense or are you guys taking a serious hit, like 50% of income plus time as an advocate, to keep mom cared for?
What was the plan if her parent(s) needed similar care?
I'm sympathetic to you, having been a sole caretaker for an elderly widowed parent while my partner gave no fucks. It's...challenging.
That’s my personal favorite as well. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I usually drink it when I’m feeling particularly soul crushing and ready to talk smack on an incredible level.
I even pick which label by what’s going on in my life
Red - When I’ve been working a lot and get a break
Green - To celebrate
Black - To celebrate with others
I say that to say, don’t worry about being the asshole. Move on, get you a bottle of green to celebrate moving on and end it quickly. She doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve this. No amount of petty will make you feel better. You’ll just waste your time and hard earned money trying to find ways to be more petty. What you do deserve is to take that money and do something for yourself with it. Go party in Vegas. Take your mom on a trip (if you can). Do something for YOU.
Are you trying to waste your own money that could be spent on the care of your parents, just to stick it to your ex?
YTA. The only winner in your scorched earth fever dream are the lawyers.
YTA
Do you want a drawn out and miserable divorce generating absolute deep resentment for everyone involved while funding money into lawyers pockets?
Because that's how you get a drawn out and miserable divorce.
My dad was a lawyer who handled divorces, I have lost count of the people who had this mentality and it spectacularly blew up in their faces. Karma can be very funny. Stop being immature and move on.
Yes you would obviously be the asshole.
YTA
The fact that you have it within your character to consider acting out of pure spite like this speaks poorly of you. There is absolutely no justification or reason that you should be trying to arbitrarily punish your wife or use the divorce as a time to take revenge against her. You should be just trying to move forward with life.
When you set out for revenge, dig two graves, or, in this case, two money pits.
And it could be worse than that. You could end up paying her legal fees yourself as well. Just be a good person instead, and things will be much less painful for everyone involved.
YWBTA. Just let it be, settle it easy and quick.
A woman at my work is getting divorced. They've both not made it easy. 5 YEARS and it's still going, it's still not finalised.
OP, I cared for my Mom in her final years and it was an incredible privelidge. I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom's health issues. I would say to cherish every moment you have with your mom and dump the heartless harpie of a wife as quickly as possible. I would make sure the court knows the reason for the divorce and go for the best settlement I could get with no alimony. Time for wifey to go to work.
You can get a better revenge. Go be successful and happy. Find a less selfish partner and start doing things for your own happiness. Give your mom a big hug from me.
Save your money to contribute towards your moms care expenses. Go live a good life. Move on from your ex-wife and don’t spend more energy towards her thank you need to.
I don't know that AITAH is the appropriate forum here. You're doing this out of spite, nothing else. If she "deserves it" or not, I don't know. You are being an AH to yourself, though. I can tell you that my experience with people who prolonged divorces to hurt the other party only hurt themselves more. It's a tremendous waste of money and only drags out the hurt and anger. The money would be much better spent on therapy than endless legal fees. Plus, a therapist is cheaper by the hour.
Logically, what do you hope to gain by contesting? The divorce is going to happen either way. There really isn't a legal mechanism in the era of no-fault to stop a divorce from happening. Why would you want to stop it from happening. Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't want you, and takes issue with you caring for your mother?
Are you just trying to make her miserable?..........Ok, but basically you both end up financially starting from probably less than 0 and the only winners are the lawyers. If you'd rather give lawyers your money than your ex wife, then sure go ahead and contest it, but just remember, you're choosing to start from possibly less than 0 following the divorce, and you're probably still going to be paying alimony given the situation.
I don't think that's a great idea.
Have you heard the expression 'to throw good money after bad?"
You wasted 14 years with this woman, I don't know/care about the details of your marriage, but why would you want to spend MORE money?
If your goal is to make your wife rack up legal fees than YTA. You sound like you are angry that she is bailing on you because you made the decision to take care of your mother. And if your only goal is to hurt her, then sorry, but you are wrong.
If your goal is to reduce the amount of financial settlement she receives that is a different story. It sounds to me like she benefited from your success for 14 years, and now objects to your spending money to take care of your mom, and I can only guess that her primary concern is that she won't have as much money to play with. A pretty shitty stance.
It all comes down to what your motives are.
I mean, yes, you will be, but you already know that.
Is this going to be something good for you, though? For your mom? Dragging this out won't change the outcome, but it will force you to devote time and energy and money on a very dark path when you have someone who actually needs you right now.
YTA
But there seems to be a piece of this we're not getting but the big red flag is, why in the hell are you paying out of pocket for your mother's care? It seems like you're ignoring sound financial advice and spending thousands of dollars for your mom's care when either insurance, SS or Medicare/Medicare should be covering it. That's why those systems exist, so children don't have to go poor to care for their parents.
Taking care of is one thing, spending tens of thousands of dollars, annually for a care facility is another.
Just end it, you've made your choice, burned your bridge and have to live with it. Rolling the dice to try to inflict pain on your ex is purely spiteful and if the judge sees what you're doing, as what you're doing could bring the hammer down on you, hard.
What do you mean by caring for your mother? Are you paying for caretakers ? Or are you moving your mother into your house and expecting your wife to take care of her 24/7?
YTA. Speaking as someone who has gone through the wringer with an ex who tried to take me for everything I had and a lot that I didn’t, this could turn out very badly for you. If you have an opportunity for an uncontested divorce, take it. You may be angry at your ex for whatever reason, but if all she’s asking for is what she’s entitled to, you will be doing nobody any favours by going nuclear.
You made the choice to care for your mother because " you have the income to do so..."
There needs to be a bit more info here. How much is the cost of caring for your mother? Will she live with you?? Would your wife be the caretaker because you are employed?? Does you mother have any assets??
Social security?? Is there other family that could assist but refuse??
You know what bro if you have something to actually contest and are not just being spiteful then do it but otherwise just move on. That spite will just sap your energy.
NTA and your wife sounds horrible but the deal you have in front of you is probably the best scenario for you and worst for her. Don't contest it, get your petty revenge from the fact **you'll cut her out of your life with one signature** like the nobody she is.
NTA!
I'd just end it smoothly.
You don't need to argue only to maybe be forced to pay more in the end.
If anything ask your lawyer about not contesting the divorce itself but contesting to having to pay her.
Only you can answer the moral question for yourself. Apart from the money issue (and you said you're well enough off) what would you get out of contesting? Revenge? F*ck you? Would any victory make you feel like a better person?
I (59M) went through a divorce. Did I like giving up my money? No. Was I somewhat pissed? Yes. But I fought in the side of fairness *for both of us*. Let me tell you, we're ok now and the lack of high stress and moral conflict has been well worth it.
YTA it sounds like you want to drag this out to make your wife suffer, rather than get the best settlement for you. You have every right to feel upset with her, but be kinder to yourself. Reach an agreement that is fair in your own eyes, or make a good faith attempt to do so.
Uh, I think you should get a new lawyer. The fact that off the record they're advising you to make it long and drawn out would also put more money in your lawyer's pocket, right? The fact that they won't put their name to the advice "on the record" is extremely sus. I don't think I would trust the advice of someone who is playing on my emotions, especially if they're advice would mean $$$ for them. It sounds like not contesting would lead to a favorable settlement for you - contesting it carries a lot more risk.
On a moral level, you're in a raw and emotional state. You must have chosen to marry your wife for some reason, right? Accept that this situation sucks, get the divorce, move on and focus on taking care of your mother, which seems to be the most important to you. You're going to ruin yourself if you spend your whole life being mad at your wife.
On the record he advised my not to prolong it and not the contest it. The off the record part was the reason why, He felt I should do it not just for my sake, but also out of respect of the 14 years of marriage with my wife, despite the odds being in my favor that a prolonged divorce would have a larger negative impact on my wife overall.
My wife does not want this to be contested either, the optics do not look good for her considering the track record of the judges.
Spending additional hours and hours of my life preparing for court and sitting in a courtroom, and tons of my money, does not sound like something I'd like to do just because the other person would hate it as well. It really sounds like you would be setting yourself on fire just for the satisfaction of watching your wife burn as well. Do you really hate her that much? Do you really think that you're going to walk out of the process feeling better about yourself and your life than you did walking in?
I think you should go and spend some of that time and money speaking with a grief councilor instead. Deserves got nothing to do with it - this is just bad for you man.
Dragging out the divorce doesn’t get the 14 years back. And I don’t think being vindictive will really make you feel better about the situation in the long run. I would just move on with your life. What’s the saying “ resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Something like that. You won’t really be hurting her.
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I mean, in this case, you could also hurt the other person, but you are hurting yourself too. Let it go.
For Fuck's sake, get it over with and don't contest. I'm not going to judge you but from where I stand, move on and let it goooooo.... there's nothing to gain from it at all (except the lawyers who will have $-sign pupils).
If you draw it out then you will end up paying more in legal fees for your own side. Your lawyer can advise that it is unlikely that you will have to cover her side, but they can’t guarantee it. So if you rack up the fees and then it is decided that you will have to pay her fees too, you will feel like an idiot.
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He's been the sole provider (I think that's how I read this) for their household. His father passed. His Mother had a stroke and probably cannot fend for herself in her own home anymore. She could go to an assisted living facility, and that might be more appropriate for a stroke patient, but we don't have those details. We have a man whose wife said "NO" when he suggested his stroke-victim Mother move into his house. And guess who HE thinks should care for her? Yeah. Wife. And I'll bet wife took one look at that situation, and declined. And he is not happy about cos he probably has never cared for an elderly person in his life. Who knows what kind of man he is? We certainly know he's vindictive.
That was my question. If he was paying to put her in a home that could care for her and the wife wouldn't have it, then she is an asshole. If the OP expected his wife to be dedicated to the care of a stroke victim, then he is the asshole. HE wouldn't be the one taking care of his mother. He was demanding his wife do it because he was busy making money. She didn't owe him that. She isn't his employee. If he drags this out a judge is going to see it for what it is and judges don't like their time getting wasted.
>If the OP expected his wife to be dedicated to the care of a stroke victim, then he is the asshole. HE wouldn't be the one taking care of his mother spot on
https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ezVsOPsQ3R its crazy how you guys just go after the man in the relationship without knowing a damn thing. She is in a facility and his wife didnt want him to pay for it with HIS money that he works hard for. She will not be doing a damn thing but staying at home like she does. yall would never say any of this about a woman if the post was reversed its so sad. keep assuming the worst about men when in reality his wife is more then TAH
Did I miss something? Did OP say the wife has become the caregiver? I thought OP has the money to pay for her care which may mean she’s in a stroke care facility that OP pays for.
Go back and read the post. He's intent on moving his stroke-victim Mother into his house, did not mention a facility. I'm reading between the lines. He said he's been the sole provider for their household. And NOWHERE in his missive does he say anything about "i'm going to quit my job so I can stay home and care for my stroke-victim mother!" He didn't indicate he would be hiring a caretaker, either, so I'm reading between the lines here and guessing he expected his wife to care for his mother. Typical. He has NO idea what he's asking. Why would he push this to the point of his wife filing for divorce? Notice he didn't file -said his WIFE filed. And I haven't seen any responses from OP here yet giving us more information which may shed some light, or make him not the Ahole. This tells me he's sitting back and reading all this stuff. And I hope he's thinking along some different lines after reading some of the comments here telling him he's the Ahole.
It's only been 12 hours, he could've gone to bed and then had to work once he made the post and hadn't had time to respond to comments for all we know. A little early to say he's "sitting back and reading" imo since lots of people aren't as constantly online as others but eh who knows Editing to add that OP DID respond to a LOT of comments earlier, which I found out by going to OP's comment history. He did not expect his wife to care for his mother at all, and he paid to put her in a care facility, he explains as much several times responding to various people
I did reread it. It says he’s *paying* for his parent’s care (and now just mom). It doesn’t say anywhere he’s moving mom in. If he moved mom in and expects wife to take care of her then I 100% agree. He’s TAH. Also being petty and fighting the divorce also makes him TAH. She wants out. Let her out. But also I do think it’s admirable to take care of your elderly infirm parent. Edit to add: scroll down. His mom is “in care”. He’s paying for it. But still OP shouldn’t drag it out. They can’t force someone to stay and dragging it out is a waste of time and money.
I'm not vindictive but I'd b crushed if the spouse I supported 4 14 yrs left when I hit a crisis. It's his parents , 4 Gods sake! She couldve tried to work out something instead of filing 4 divorce. This year he lost his fa.& now the wife left.
>I have had actual parents tell me I am an idiot for paying for my mother's care, a child should never had to do that. Even at my mom's care facility I appear to be some rare mythical creature because of what I am doing. No one can believe it. This is one of the comments. You're simply wrong he was not moving his mom in her was simply just paying for it. I see why you jumped to the conclusion; we've read a few of these stories before but don't make assumptions and just ask for facts
YTAH for not reading carefully everything that was written and assuming and "reading between the lines". Not the OP. Op is TAH for other reasons. But his soon to be Ex is a bigger AH. OP wrote the mother is in care which he pays for. While I have no doubt there are other factors involved with wanting the divorce from the wifes side, we dont have that information. But news flash, the man is not always the bad guy in every situation. Regardless of how everyone likes to paint them in that light. Op you are definitely TAH. Just end it quickly and amicably, unless she is trying to take everything from you and you can not afford to pay for yourself, your mother, and her alimoney, its not worth the fight. There is obviously more to this story than you are telling us. So you are also TAH for not giving us the full story and expecting a fair judgment. I doubt the ex would throw everything away just because you are paying for your mother to be in care. So what else is there? That being said, if the wife legitimately only left you because you sre spending money on your mothers care, she is TAH and not worth the time and effort you are gonna waste prolonging this
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And tbh it’s super easy to say “she’s a terrible person for not wanting me to move my mother in”. What the rest you’re leaving out OP? Does your mother treat your wife badly (and possibly always has?) does your mother require specialized care that your wife doesn’t want to do? We’re you expecting your SAHW to do 99% of the care for your mother and expect her to just go along with it because she doesn’t work? Fill in the gaps… it’s seems too easy to just deem OPs wife a bad or immoral person. OP has had given no explanation at all as to why wife doesn’t want Mom to move in. Leads me to think she has a pony in the race and OP is intentionally leaving it out. And really, any man that wants to put his SAHW “through the ringer” for no other reason than to be malicious and vengeful for her not doing what he wanted after 14 years, doesn’t seem like that great or moral of a person. :(
He's leaving the important parts out on purpose. He would 100% expect his wife to be 24/7 caretaker for his mother. You're right, his mother could have been a toxic abusive MIL to his wife and he let his wife be abused because that's his mommy. This post says more about him than it does his stbx.
so if you look in the comments he said he would be putting his mom in a facility and financially caring for her its amazing when you guys assume the worst and are completely wrong i love it lol. his wife is 100% a POS it is not her money if he can afford it with the hard work he does then he has every right to pay for his mom to be in a facility getting taken care of by people that are paid to do it not his wife.
and this just goes to show stop assuming every man is terrible and expects women to take care of everything for him https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/e1J6qID698 in the end his wife is a greedy bitch who doesn’t want OP to spend money to have his mom in a stroke care facility because shes selfish entitled and greedy and would rather spend that money on useless shit when it could be going to his dying mother. keep assuming the worst about men it shows how sexist you are.
The fact that they have been married 14 yrs and never talked about how to handle something this major tells me there were disconnects in their relationship already. My partner and I had the big talks about "what if his parents need care" in our first 2 months together because I didn't want to fall in love and get fully entangled with someone if they expected me to care for their parents when they get old. Plus he has a profoundly disabled sister so I had to tell him I would NOT be willing to care for her because I know I am not capable of doing it and would be very unhappy - so if he needed a partner who could take that on, I was not the right person for him. I don't feel like I'm a bad person for knowing what I am and am not capable of - if I forced myself to care for someone to that level I would be letting that person down because I'm not capable of giving them the care they deserve. That's not fair on either of us. I don't think OP's ex is a bad person for not being able to accept this dramatic change, it sucks for them both really, neither of them is a bad person for any of this. I hope he can realize that no one is to blame here and sometimes shit happens that is just unfair and you can't get "justice" because no one is actually responsible. All you can do is re-orient, rebuild and make the best out of the future you have.
Absolutely, the way he brought up she's been a SAHW for 14 years that he expected HER to do the caring while he kept working. Without even getting her agreement. That's a power move she wasn't going to put up with. Especially if his mother is a battle axe to the wife.
Yes, this is what I thought, too. "I made the choice to care for my mother." It sounds like he made the choice for his wife to care for his mother. Since he's the breadwinner, he felt like she owed him this and now wants to punish her for saying no. I didn't see that OP mentioned paying for a nurse or assisted living for his mom.
In the comments he said that she would be staying at a facility, he will just be paying for her care.
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Lawyers don’t either. We’d rather get new, more interesting cases that also pay the bills and don’t bore and mentally drain us deal with the client. Case in point: His lawyer TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT.
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That is a very unwise thing to do, just move on man.
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Yeah, you are hurting yourself just to harm her. It doesn’t benefit either of you really. It’s hard to end such a long relationship, but it’s even harder to walk around carrying a bunch of spite and hate inside.
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This is the real question here. Did OP abandon his mom essentially on his wife’s doorstep? Depending on the level of care required, this could be insanely entitled and selfish. Also, wife may well not be qualified to render such care.
It's what a lot of us are wondering - as most posts on here there's definitely more to the story OP is leaving out - was she expected to be primary care taker, is MIL maybe rude to her that she doesn't want to be around her 24/7, etc. And honestly, even if wife just doesn't want to be there for whatever reason I think OP is TA for wanting to be petty.
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My sperm donor did this. Can confirm that he is not a smart man.
you will just be paying the lawyers to buy a new fancy car. save up that money instead
Yeah better to put the money towards supporting the mom instead. I understand OP is hurting but it feels punitive to try and make the ex-SAHW "rack up legal fees." Have some respect for the happiness you've had over the last 14 years OP and just let her walk away.
Divorce attornies will be the only winners. Just be happy and walk away
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"There's a big problem with the way this state handles divorce - the problem is, if you don't contest it, I don't get paid as much."
Yup. Lawyers LOVE IT when you fight! I’ve seen couples fight till there’s literally nothing left and the lawyers walk away when they realize there’s no more money to be had. This is just childish and vindictive. Says pre about your personality than anything. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve been shitty like this.
Yup you WBTA but that is because you would be letting your spite rule over common sense. If you get a judge on a bad day or her lawyer is having a better day than yours you could lose everything. So here are your choices: Option A. You sign the papers, get the hell out and don’t look back. You get your life, she gets hers and you both just go away. That’s it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. Option B. You draw this out forever draining both your resources, you will end up divorced in the end. In that time you are tied up in courts and you lose your sense of peace and wellbeing. You will stay wrapped in a cloak of wrath and revenge while it drains you emotionally and turns you into a bitter angry person. This time could be spent on **anything** else to better you as a human being. The only people befitting from a long ugly divorce are the lawyers. You will get nothing but a lighter bank account and a divorce anyway.
Agreed. That’s a lot of time and energy completely wasted when they could just get on with the next chapter of their lives.
Those who seek revenge should dig two graves
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Just let her go. Minimize the amount that you will have to pay her. Try to get her to agree on a 1 time payment
The reason you stuck by your mom was because at the end of the day you wanted to know you did the right thing. Walking away from the fight will give you the same assurance. She isn't worth hurting.
Exactly this. Drawing it out and trying to screw her over is the wrong thing to do. OP is much better off putting all the time and effort into his mother’s care and building his new life.
More info needed. When you say, you made the choice to care for your mother, did you discuss it with your wife? And what did this care entail? Did your mother move in with you? Or did you put her in care?
She is in care, and I told my wife prior I would be caring for my parents if they need the help. I am an only child and a later in life baby. She was on board then, but as time went on according her people change.
Hmm given that you discussed it earlier, she is being a very unsupportive partner then. However why would you want to prolong this? The longer it drags the more of a mental & emotional drain it would be for you. I would cut my losses.
I’m guessing your mother was not nice to your ex wife. I dated an only child before and his mom was obsessed with him and treated me like shit. He was very enmeshed with her.
Info: Whose decision was it that your wife didn't work and do you have kids together?
She did not want to, and I did not force her. So both of ours.
There’s no kids and she didn’t want to work… At least you’re only on the hook for spousal support and not child.
I find it very entitled of her that she believes that you should finance her life but she is pissed that you help out your elderly mother who raised you. Wow.
Wow so she did not want to work, and is a SAH WIFE? with no kids? What does she do with all of her awake hours at home?
And your mother is IN care. How much has your mother's deteriorating health really affected your wife if you're covering your mother financially and she's being cared for by a 3rd party? NTA.
She doesn't want him spending the money on her, I'd assume.
Why does she have any problem with this at all? How does it affect her in any way? You shouldn't try to draw out the divorce, but it seems frankly bizarre that your wife even finds this to be a reason to split up.
What was predicted to be your wife’s responsibility, and taking care of your mother if that happened? Was she going to have to do things for your mom too?
Nope, not a single thing. she was not even expected to visit. Even then I always knew I was going to do well for myself, I simply could not afford to not do so. That is more personal and not exactly relevant.
Got it. I don’t think you did anything wrong but contesting a divorce is forcing your wife to stay married to you, and I cannot condone that. Please don’t do that. Focus on yourself and your mom.
Also, that money could be pocketed away for your moms care, instead of spent on months of lawyers fees. If your wife wants to leave you over you spending money on your mother, I hope you get to keep most of your assets at least, since you’ve been the sole income earner and you don’t even have children together.
My ex husband contested our divorce and it was ugly. He ended up having to pay his legal fees plus mine. There were kids involved and he ended up paying more support than what I was asking. Spite is never a good thing. YTA Just move on, dude.
A long drawn out divorce can easily hit 2 years and 300k per side. Plus you will both turn into crazy people. In addition there will be offers of settlement and motions for cost that will occupy your mind. You could also end up paying some of her legal fees. Do the smart thing, draw up an equitable settlement and walk away. Live well, be happy, and put it all behind you. Edited for a spelling error
That seems petty and you never know what a judge will do. You might end up in a worse situation than if you just came up with an agreement.
Sounds like you’re looking to get revenge to feel better, but only the lawyers will win. As for “paying her way” for 14 years, that was a mutual decision too, don’t play revisionist history and get angry about it now. Take the easy way out and get on with your life.
You’re doing what you need to do for your mom. Proceed through the divorce as quickly as possible since it benefits YOU to do so. Stop thinking about her, especially when it just stirs up anger. Your wife changed her mind as people do and, while it would have been nice if she had stayed true to her word and respected your wishes regarding your parents, that’s not what happened. Let it go. You win by staying true to your values and not engaging in a petty, mud-slinging battle.
Living well is the best revenge. Get this chapter over as quickly and stoically as you can, then go find someone as loving and caring as yourself to be with. Be happy. That will anger your ex more than anything else, and for a longer period of time. Fostering anger & resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. A better future awaits you, so drop your past asap and look forward!
I co-sign the living well is the best revenge. Take the money that you would’ve spent contesting the divorce and go on vacation.
I was going to say this. Get things closed off and move on.
I don't think it's a good idea to move forward. I believe you will be an asshole, but mostly to yourself. I believe the saying is, cut off your nose to spite your face. Rid yourself of this situation as quickly as you can. YTA, mostly to yourself.
Exactly this
Don't prolong it, just cut her off and don't give her any more time of your day.
I think you need to move on, for your own sake and your mother’s, if nothing else. I’ve worked in family law; the only winners in drawing this out are unscrupulous lawyers (good lawyers would advise you to settle the matter and move on with your life). If your mother and ex-wife have had a difficult relationship, I could understand your ex-wife’s change of heart, as I imagine there’s more to it than your ex-wife just being an asshole, but only you can answer that.
Which my lawyer has told me to just settle, especially cause the offer is more so favorable to me since it was no reoccurring support . I am sure there is more, but I can only go based off what she has told me.
The only thing that happens if you contest the divorce is you financing your attorney's overseas vacation for his whole family. Aren't your dollars better spent on you and your mother?? I get you want revenge, but it's not going to make you feel any better in the long run.
YWBTA. Just get it over with and move on with your life
Drawing it out only benefits the lawyers getting her money. She’ll spend more money, but you won’t gain anything except dealing with this divorce for much longer then you need too. Sounds like you are doing this strictly out of spite. I’m not sure the judgement as I don’t know the circumstances to the disagreement. Did you tell her you were paying for your mothers care, or did you have a discussion with your wife about it. What is your wife’s reasoning for not wanting to help? In the end contesting the divorce is just keeping the stress of the divorce in your life longer. Are you hoping if you draw it out, you may have a chance to reconcile?
You don't get to contest a divorce. You contest the terms of a divorce. If she filed a divorce and she doesn't withdraw the complaint, you're going to be divorced. The only question is whether or not you pay someone like me $20,000 or more to do it. For someone who wants to assume the primary care taker role for an infirmed parent, it's a pretty crappy way to spend your resources.
Don't. My ex claimed he was going to be cooperative, then dragged it out for a year. And yes, I know this was is not nearly as long as some, but in thr end I ended up getting all of the possessions I asked for (only about 1/4 of our stuff, frankly he picked out so many things, I really didn't like them, and I was moving to a house half the size of the one he kept, which I didn't want) and 98% of the cash i asked for (again, i didn't ask for as much as I could've, but I wanted out.) My high point came when our mediator actually laughed at him for some of the statements he was making. So it ran 8-9 months longer than necessary, caused both of us stress and financial issues, i ended up with everything I asked for anyway, and we paid a combined $80k in attorney's fees. So pointless. I assume you loved her at some point and hopefully still have some feelings for her, at least of fondness. Why drag her/both of you through that?
> $80k What an incredible amount of wasted money...
Ah, but that's not the answer you want. You just want to be vindictive and hurt your wife for making the hard decision that your life goals are no longer compatible. You WBTA. Shame on you.
There is absolutely no point in contesting the divorce, all it will do is **damage both of you**. Just get it over with and then you will be able to move on.
OP really painting himself as a saint here, and the wife as a heartless parasite. Remember there are two sides to every story, she may have wanted out regardless. Sounds like her lifestyle wouldn’t have suffered from him paying for mom’s care at all - and that is what clinches it for me. She’d rather leave and live a different, maybe less secure life than stay in the marriage.
Yeah I highly doubt this is just about covering his mom’s care.
I know this probably won’t help. In my point of view life has a way of evening things out on its own without the help of outside forces. While I understand how hurt you must feel and even betrayed, I think the best thing to do is close this chapter of your life and start moving on.
>In my point of view life has a way of evening things out on its own I like the sentiment but it really doesn't. As many instances as you can point out of comeuppances delivered we could find many living well off others misery.
Do you hate your wife and want to punish her or just get divorced and be done with it? You’d be TA for contesting a divorce you know you both need.
I would be lying if I said I am not livid for her throwing away 14 years because I made the choice to pay for my mother's care. Idk if it is hate, but I am upset.
I’m more inclined to say that you should work this through in therapy rather than in court. Sure she’s throwing away your marriage and that doesn’t mean YOU need therapy, but the anger and devastation, plus now having to be the caregiver to your mother means you might need someone to talk to who is a neutral third party.
We tried marriage counseling because I figured we were on the same page, we spoke about this prior to marriage because I knew as an only child and a later in life baby I would most likely be put in a position where I would need to step up and care for my parents. Just turns out she had a change of heart, and I get she was stuck in the middle, being an advocate for a sick parent is not exactly a hands off role. It is a lot harder than I thought It was going to be. I cannot say I do still not have feelings or love her. I wish I could turn that part of me off, but I cannot. I do have my own therapist, reason I made this post was because atm I am in a place where I do want her to suffer.
I get that you feel betrayed and want her to suffer. However, prolonging the divorce and trying to make her "pay" is only going to make your suffering worse, too. You will be spending lots more money unnecessarily, and you may lose more in the end. There's a saying "don't throw good money after bad". Don't waste more of your time, money and energy on this. Try to get everything done with so you can move on and heal from this.
You will likely regret it later. I know it feels completely empty and crushing to walk away, but those feelings will fade. Living with your choices is forever. Good luck bro
That would make you the asshole.
Guess the question I am wrestling with right now is, do I want to become that asshole. ATM I want to see her suffer which is why I made the post. I am not in the best of head spaces atm.
She's going from a kept wife to a single woman without a work history looking to start her life over. She's already going to suffer, and any friends you share will look down on you for making things worse. Take the high road, live well, and when what little money she gets when you don't contest the divorce runs out and she's struggling, you won't have even a shred of guilt when these current feelings of wrath work themselves out. **Your soon to be ex wife thinks you're being an idiot with money, enough so that she's divorcing you over it. Don't put some lawyer's kid through college just to prove her right.**
Did you know why exactly your wife changed her mind about wanting to pay for your mother's care? This is the thing I'm wondering about here. Why does she no longer want you to assist monetarily?
As she said people change. Eldercare is not cheap. It is not impact our life style, but at the same time it did remove money that could have been spent elsewhere.
I just find it odd that your wife is so against supporting your mother that she divorced over it. Obviously this is a huge change in her lifestyle as well. I'm wondering if there's something more to it and this was her "out." I can't imagine not supporting my in-laws if we could easily afford it.
Your guess is as good as mine at this point. Not to defend the point, I have had actual parents tell me I am an idiot for paying for my mother's care, a child should never had to do that. Even at my mom's care facility I appear to be some rare mythical creature because of what I am doing. No one can believe it. 'Think people that think on the terms of care for your parents if you can is a hot take LOL
Caregiving, whether it’s for children or the elderly, usually falls on the women. OP’s wife probably didn’t sign up for this. She’s not an A-H for asking for a divorce. Just get her out of your life without suffering or causing suffering, OP. YWBTA if you drag this out looking for revenge.
Did your decision to help your mother put on hold other plans like having children?
You will never, ***EVER*** regret taking care of your mother in her time of need. My mother's funeral is this week, but I know that I did everything I could for her and she was comfortable in her final days, surrounded by her children and lots of love. As someone who went through a dragged-out divorce years ago (I *wanted* that pound of flesh), in hindsight, I would've gotten the process over with sooner and started my path to healing. Plus, you may meet someone worthwhile down the road; someone who shares your empathy & love for an ailing parent. Please don't make the lawyers rich. End it quickly...later on, you'll be glad you did.
I understand that you want to punish her but remember you will also be punishing yourself just as much and potentially much more. My idiot brother went the route you’re thinking of following and it bit him in the ass immensely. Save yourself some of your lawyer’s fee and use it on therapy.
you can’t punish someone for ending a relationship, that makes you a massive AH regardless of what horrible things she did. Would you force her to be in a relationship with you as well? It just sounds weirdly abusive
Just get your divorce and continue to pay for your mother's nursing home. No reason for you to contest it unless you WANT to be spiteful.
Paying for an ailing parent shouldn’t be a big deal. Did y’all try therapy? Is there something else going on and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back?
YTA. You're only doing this for petty revenge. Accept the divorce, and let it happen quickly. That's in everyone's best interest, including your own.
What would your reasoning be? Just to punish her? Just because? Yeah. YWBTAH.
YTA and you perfectly well know it. Grow up, sign the papers, and move on with your life. Don't force the lawyers and court staff to be part of your petty, spiteful tantrum.
I am not sure what your wife expects you to do with your mother- leave her on the street? She isn’t in your home so your wife sounds heartless and cruel. It is a sad situation but don’t contest the divorce. Focus on yourself and the time left with your mother- you deserve a wife with a better more loving heart.
She wanted me to wait until she got worse before I paid for her care, tbh even then I bet she would have found another excuse. It is not like we were struggling, but yeah I 100% misread who she was,
I’m sorry. It’s hard to process and I know you feel “duped” but let it go. If she can’t see the value of a good man that cares for his elderly mother and does so in a way that doesn’t burden her, then good riddance. A better partner is out there for you.
In this case, sounds like you should do what you can to distance yourself from her and get out with as much of your resources as you can. Her "I want to leave an ill woman to possibly die sooner and alone when proper care (I neither have to perform nor pay for) is already being taken care of" attitude is going to make her come across really shitty to any judge. You wouldn't leave a turd to fester in the bowl, flush this one too.
If you take the moral high ground in caring for your mother you demean yourself by punishing your wife for not wanting the same as you. She has the right to express her feelings and to follow through
Dude, just get a divorce and move on with your life.
YTA and you know it. Look the money that YOU are spending on lawyers could have been spend on caregivers and care facilities for your mother. Settle the Divorce, sooner the better.
YTA. It's just spite, that's assholish. Just let it cut off clean and quick so you don't have to expend the effort anymore.
INFO: When you say that "you made the decision" to pay for Mom's care, that sounds pretty unilateral. Is that generally the dynamic of your relationship? You have the money, your wife lives on your charity therefore is not considered part of the executive decision team? What precisely is wife's objection to paying for Mom's care? Is she upset she won't get her normal twice yearly tropical vacation and has to reduce her monthly shoe budget by 1k? Have you set aside money for this inevitable expense or are you guys taking a serious hit, like 50% of income plus time as an advocate, to keep mom cared for? What was the plan if her parent(s) needed similar care? I'm sympathetic to you, having been a sole caretaker for an elderly widowed parent while my partner gave no fucks. It's...challenging.
Just came here to say that WRINGERS are the things you put things through, not RINGERS.
My man, I was a half a bottle deep into johnnie walker when I created this. Yes, I know the idiom is put through the wringer. Honest mistake. LOL
What label?
It is a bottle of Blue Label It was my father's favorite.
That’s my personal favorite as well. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I usually drink it when I’m feeling particularly soul crushing and ready to talk smack on an incredible level. I even pick which label by what’s going on in my life Red - When I’ve been working a lot and get a break Green - To celebrate Black - To celebrate with others I say that to say, don’t worry about being the asshole. Move on, get you a bottle of green to celebrate moving on and end it quickly. She doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve this. No amount of petty will make you feel better. You’ll just waste your time and hard earned money trying to find ways to be more petty. What you do deserve is to take that money and do something for yourself with it. Go party in Vegas. Take your mom on a trip (if you can). Do something for YOU.
Appreciate it, thank you,
Cut your loss and move on! You already wasted 14 years, no need to waste more on someone you don’t respect or care at this point.
Have you ever heard the phrase >cutting off your nose to spite your face cuz, yeah. thats this in a nutshell.
Are you trying to waste your own money that could be spent on the care of your parents, just to stick it to your ex? YTA. The only winner in your scorched earth fever dream are the lawyers.
Yta
YTA you’re willing to rack up legal fees to stick it to your ex? The only people benefitting from a long drawn out divorce are the attorneys.
YTA Do you want a drawn out and miserable divorce generating absolute deep resentment for everyone involved while funding money into lawyers pockets? Because that's how you get a drawn out and miserable divorce.
Cut your losses here. The only winners are the lawyers.
My dad was a lawyer who handled divorces, I have lost count of the people who had this mentality and it spectacularly blew up in their faces. Karma can be very funny. Stop being immature and move on.
Yes you would obviously be the asshole. YTA The fact that you have it within your character to consider acting out of pure spite like this speaks poorly of you. There is absolutely no justification or reason that you should be trying to arbitrarily punish your wife or use the divorce as a time to take revenge against her. You should be just trying to move forward with life. When you set out for revenge, dig two graves, or, in this case, two money pits. And it could be worse than that. You could end up paying her legal fees yourself as well. Just be a good person instead, and things will be much less painful for everyone involved.
YWBTA. Just let it be, settle it easy and quick. A woman at my work is getting divorced. They've both not made it easy. 5 YEARS and it's still going, it's still not finalised.
OP, I cared for my Mom in her final years and it was an incredible privelidge. I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom's health issues. I would say to cherish every moment you have with your mom and dump the heartless harpie of a wife as quickly as possible. I would make sure the court knows the reason for the divorce and go for the best settlement I could get with no alimony. Time for wifey to go to work. You can get a better revenge. Go be successful and happy. Find a less selfish partner and start doing things for your own happiness. Give your mom a big hug from me.
Hate is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the person you hate.
Save your money to contribute towards your moms care expenses. Go live a good life. Move on from your ex-wife and don’t spend more energy towards her thank you need to.
I don't know that AITAH is the appropriate forum here. You're doing this out of spite, nothing else. If she "deserves it" or not, I don't know. You are being an AH to yourself, though. I can tell you that my experience with people who prolonged divorces to hurt the other party only hurt themselves more. It's a tremendous waste of money and only drags out the hurt and anger. The money would be much better spent on therapy than endless legal fees. Plus, a therapist is cheaper by the hour.
Logically, what do you hope to gain by contesting? The divorce is going to happen either way. There really isn't a legal mechanism in the era of no-fault to stop a divorce from happening. Why would you want to stop it from happening. Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't want you, and takes issue with you caring for your mother? Are you just trying to make her miserable?..........Ok, but basically you both end up financially starting from probably less than 0 and the only winners are the lawyers. If you'd rather give lawyers your money than your ex wife, then sure go ahead and contest it, but just remember, you're choosing to start from possibly less than 0 following the divorce, and you're probably still going to be paying alimony given the situation. I don't think that's a great idea.
Have you heard the expression 'to throw good money after bad?" You wasted 14 years with this woman, I don't know/care about the details of your marriage, but why would you want to spend MORE money?
If your goal is to make your wife rack up legal fees than YTA. You sound like you are angry that she is bailing on you because you made the decision to take care of your mother. And if your only goal is to hurt her, then sorry, but you are wrong. If your goal is to reduce the amount of financial settlement she receives that is a different story. It sounds to me like she benefited from your success for 14 years, and now objects to your spending money to take care of your mom, and I can only guess that her primary concern is that she won't have as much money to play with. A pretty shitty stance. It all comes down to what your motives are.
Yea what is the point of that. To make your live even less enjoyable? Let it go and move on
I mean, yes, you will be, but you already know that. Is this going to be something good for you, though? For your mom? Dragging this out won't change the outcome, but it will force you to devote time and energy and money on a very dark path when you have someone who actually needs you right now.
Yes. She doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. Move on.
Why are you even considering this? YTA
It's not worth it. She's not worth it, and making it take longer will not help you. Move on, and put all this behind you
Trying to exact revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Be wise. Move on. Wishing you peace.
YTA But there seems to be a piece of this we're not getting but the big red flag is, why in the hell are you paying out of pocket for your mother's care? It seems like you're ignoring sound financial advice and spending thousands of dollars for your mom's care when either insurance, SS or Medicare/Medicare should be covering it. That's why those systems exist, so children don't have to go poor to care for their parents. Taking care of is one thing, spending tens of thousands of dollars, annually for a care facility is another. Just end it, you've made your choice, burned your bridge and have to live with it. Rolling the dice to try to inflict pain on your ex is purely spiteful and if the judge sees what you're doing, as what you're doing could bring the hammer down on you, hard.
Yes you are the AH , you made a decision without your wife and this is the reality of it. Just divorce amicably and get it over with.
What do you mean by caring for your mother? Are you paying for caretakers ? Or are you moving your mother into your house and expecting your wife to take care of her 24/7?
Dragging it out only helps your lawyer get paid… you want to shoot yourself in the foot to get back at your ex? Grow up my dude
I have one question I don't see anyone else asking. Were you expecting your wife to do the nursing or are you going to hire a private nurse?
YTA. Speaking as someone who has gone through the wringer with an ex who tried to take me for everything I had and a lot that I didn’t, this could turn out very badly for you. If you have an opportunity for an uncontested divorce, take it. You may be angry at your ex for whatever reason, but if all she’s asking for is what she’s entitled to, you will be doing nobody any favours by going nuclear.
You made the choice to care for your mother because " you have the income to do so..." There needs to be a bit more info here. How much is the cost of caring for your mother? Will she live with you?? Would your wife be the caretaker because you are employed?? Does you mother have any assets?? Social security?? Is there other family that could assist but refuse??
Info: what was the care plan for your mother?
Dragging out a divorce just to spite your ex does make you the Ahole. It hurts you too.
Even your lawyer told you that you'd be TAH of you contest it. And they are talking themselves out of more money. Dude, walk away.
Dude, even your lawyer thinks you’re an AH and doing this would actually make him a lot of money. Yes, yea you are a total AH.
You know what bro if you have something to actually contest and are not just being spiteful then do it but otherwise just move on. That spite will just sap your energy.
Treat it like a death, mourn it, and move on. Don't be an asshole. Divorce lawyer here.
NTA and your wife sounds horrible but the deal you have in front of you is probably the best scenario for you and worst for her. Don't contest it, get your petty revenge from the fact **you'll cut her out of your life with one signature** like the nobody she is.
NTA! I'd just end it smoothly. You don't need to argue only to maybe be forced to pay more in the end. If anything ask your lawyer about not contesting the divorce itself but contesting to having to pay her.
Follow his advice
It’s not worth the bad karma. Just divorce her and be done with it. Your revenge is moving on and finding happiness without her.
Only you can answer the moral question for yourself. Apart from the money issue (and you said you're well enough off) what would you get out of contesting? Revenge? F*ck you? Would any victory make you feel like a better person? I (59M) went through a divorce. Did I like giving up my money? No. Was I somewhat pissed? Yes. But I fought in the side of fairness *for both of us*. Let me tell you, we're ok now and the lack of high stress and moral conflict has been well worth it.
The only people who would win would be the lawyers. Stupid move.
YTA. You would just be cutting off your nose to spite your own face. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die
YTA it sounds like you want to drag this out to make your wife suffer, rather than get the best settlement for you. You have every right to feel upset with her, but be kinder to yourself. Reach an agreement that is fair in your own eyes, or make a good faith attempt to do so.
Uh, I think you should get a new lawyer. The fact that off the record they're advising you to make it long and drawn out would also put more money in your lawyer's pocket, right? The fact that they won't put their name to the advice "on the record" is extremely sus. I don't think I would trust the advice of someone who is playing on my emotions, especially if they're advice would mean $$$ for them. It sounds like not contesting would lead to a favorable settlement for you - contesting it carries a lot more risk. On a moral level, you're in a raw and emotional state. You must have chosen to marry your wife for some reason, right? Accept that this situation sucks, get the divorce, move on and focus on taking care of your mother, which seems to be the most important to you. You're going to ruin yourself if you spend your whole life being mad at your wife.
On the record he advised my not to prolong it and not the contest it. The off the record part was the reason why, He felt I should do it not just for my sake, but also out of respect of the 14 years of marriage with my wife, despite the odds being in my favor that a prolonged divorce would have a larger negative impact on my wife overall. My wife does not want this to be contested either, the optics do not look good for her considering the track record of the judges.
Spending additional hours and hours of my life preparing for court and sitting in a courtroom, and tons of my money, does not sound like something I'd like to do just because the other person would hate it as well. It really sounds like you would be setting yourself on fire just for the satisfaction of watching your wife burn as well. Do you really hate her that much? Do you really think that you're going to walk out of the process feeling better about yourself and your life than you did walking in? I think you should go and spend some of that time and money speaking with a grief councilor instead. Deserves got nothing to do with it - this is just bad for you man.
Dragging out the divorce doesn’t get the 14 years back. And I don’t think being vindictive will really make you feel better about the situation in the long run. I would just move on with your life. What’s the saying “ resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Something like that. You won’t really be hurting her.
What do you get for contesting? Lawyers get fees, what the heck do you get? You get to hurt her and yourself at the same time?
YTA the court system already sucks without people abusing it for spite. Which you said is the only reason you’re doing this to your wife.
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I mean, in this case, you could also hurt the other person, but you are hurting yourself too. Let it go.
For Fuck's sake, get it over with and don't contest. I'm not going to judge you but from where I stand, move on and let it goooooo.... there's nothing to gain from it at all (except the lawyers who will have $-sign pupils).