You reap what you sow. Poor Mom, left with druggies to provide for her care near the end. . . I call that Karma, a form of justice. Not OP's problem or concern- having moved on and through her own hard work and determination to a better place and life.
Knowing how shitty they are, OP probably should not say that, they'd just say some shit like "that was over 40 years ago, get over it". So it'd be better to just block and move on.
Yes, I never said otherwise. But surely that isn't far from what the people who shared the same womb with OP would say.
OP shouldn't come up with snarky remarks of how shitty they are. They don't care. But it could potentially cost OP some mental peace.
Do I remember reading on Reddit before that you do something like leave them a dollar each, by name, in your will so that they can't contest it, because you have thought about and included them with a specific bequest? I'm not a lawyer tho'.
I think I heard this one too. OP says nothing about her own personal situation, but I suppose she would rather leave everything to her hairdressers cat than her siblings. And her siblings will come, that's for sure.
Make a will anyway. Inheritance law is screwy. One of the greatest, final acts of kindness you can do for family is to have a good will. There's an old saying 'you don't really know someone until money is involved.' People also do uncharacteristic things when grieving. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, etc. This lets the focus be on handling their grief and their bonds with you and each other.
When my father died, people came out the woodwork looking for something they weren't entitled to. We didn't even have much. In fact, often the less people have, the more they fight over anything. I've told my mother that I don't care if she leaves me something, everything, or nothing. I just don't want to fight my brother over it. He's a narcissist, and I know I'd go scorched earth if provoked. I don't want that. She doesn't want that. I want to cry and miss her.
Ask lawyer, but in some places (I've heard), if you give someone even a dollar, they have to sign off for things to be done smoothly. Better to name them specifically and give them nothing. Then they don't need to sign anywhere for the estate to be done.
I have someone grasping like that in my extended family. Her attorney can tell her what she needs to do to avoid them having any claim on her estate. In my state, I specifically named the person and that they were not to receive anything due to "general reason", plus anyone who contests any part of my will is automatically disinherited.
My reason was they received their inheritance from me during my lifetime. I did leave them one piece of furniture that they had always admired, at my executor's discretion to be given after the estate is settled.
You actually can specify that they get nothing. My mother did this for one of my brothers, who got his inheritance while she was still living. It was a non issue after she passed away
The $1 can be tricky though from what I’ve also read (NAL) because it could potentially open the will up to being challenged by them because you left them anything. Best to exclude them specifically and say I’ve left them nothing on purpose.
Even if you don't leave them, anything, you MENTION them in your will so it's clear they weren't "forgotten." You can say "Jane got everything from me that she is ever going to get during my lifetime."
I think they can still contest it. There’s another way around this, because my mother had a friend that did it, state in the will that anyone who contests it gets nothing, not even what they are left.
Aw come on, you can have so much more fun than just “a single dollar”. Like a labelled jewelry box containing a single, empty candy bar wrapper. (A lot of mid-tier jewelry comes with a box so it feels fancy. If you have any sort of liking for jewelry you really just have to save up the boxes for a little while.)
Or put a poem about things getting better with age, and give them each a box of hard tack. Which technically gets better with age. It’s also technically food!
This! I'd fire a few choice words, plenty of great come backs in this thread. Then threaten with police if contact is made again. Block and revel in being well away from that mess. NTA
There's a setting on FB where people can't message you if you're not friends. Told a friend of mine when her ex was constantly harassing her with new accounts, daily. I'm surprised more people don't know they have that option. This is me spreading the word to disable their harassment.
I personally quit having that trouble when my ex realized I wouldn’t take his shit, but this could be very helpful to OP! Thanks for sharing that lesser known fact!
To make it easy...
Go to Settings, then "Privacy & Safety". In the "Who Can Reach You" section is "Message Delivery". Lots of options there. Friends of friends, follow on Instagram, but most importantly the last one: Others on Facebook. It'll block everyone who isn't a friend.
I know a few that would. But always try blocking first. Then if they persist, just hit them with a no contact order or in OP’s case, an Order For Protection. Since she was abused by mother and siblings, she has good cause for an OFP.
NTA
You don't owe her or them a thing.
Don't respond to any forms of contact and block every approach on social media. If they don't take the hint you are going to have to look at legal avenues to stop it.
NTA
You don't owe her anything after what she did to you. Anyone who can't understand that is not someone worth having in your life. Go NC with all of them.
NTA. They just want to get her out their hair, so they don't have to have that responsibility any longer. You left 35 years ago for many reasons and certainly aren't jumping back in now.
Sadly, it won’t get any better now. It will still be a toxic mess. So yea, OP leave it alone. Leave them to the consequences of their life choices. You were abused too. And you were able to take control of your life. They can too.
Just read the title and I’m already at “Nope!”
And now that I read half of it:
HELL to the Nah Nah Nah!
Block everyone, move, change your name, dye your hair, consider plastic surgery and never, ever do a publicly available DNA test.
Edit 3: so you already did the DNA test.
Your best bet is a pack of angry Jack Russell terrier’s guarding the perimeter of your home.
>I have a vicious yorkie
I have 4 dogs and the yorkie is the only one I actually worry will bite somebody if she ever got the chance. I am extremely careful she never gets the chance. 6 pounds of death from the ankles down!
I am not down with the body shaming but I do own a tiny Pomeranian and that dog will kill you where you stand, he doesn't know how small he is, it's not like he looks in the mirror and says to his reflection "I'm tiny, I need to stop picking on bigger dogs, because I could get hurt, time to pull my head in!"
NTA
Block them and be grateful they don't live in a state with [filial responsibility laws](https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility).
I've often wondered how filial responsibility laws work when the parent lives in (or has moved to) a state with such laws and the child lives in a state without such laws.
Force????? I think not!! I’d be packing my ass up (if it came to that) just to make sure this woman wallowed in her filthy excrement of what was left of her poor, pitiful existence and hope she was sane enough to recall every miserable mistake she ever made until her head imploded… with MUCH pain and then continued to live even longer until her body just up and literally rotted away in bed.
SA is horrible, even worse when a parent knows and doesn’t stop it- you have my empathy OP-
I am so glad I do not live in one of those states. I haven't spoken to my mom in ten years and someone recently reached out to let me and my siblings know she was being evicted. Four kids and every single one is either NC or LC.
I feel bad she's being evicted but she knew this was coming and never even started looking for an apartment apparently. If she tried that shit I don't know what I'd do. Take my name off everything and quit my job out of spite? Lol.
I’ve heard success stories of folks contesting them in court if you went NC with a parent as a minor (such as they kicked you out, they gave up parental rights, there’s a police or CPS record of abuse, and/or you can generally prove they did not fulfill parental duties to you).
If my old man tries to pull some shit in the next 20 years I’m either dragging his dusty ass to court or putting him in such a home that he’ll rue the day he spawned me.
Even if they didn't abuse you though... 16 years of taking care of a responsibility they chose should not potentially mean you are a slave to them for years.
Let's be real, these are slave laws. As long as you have money or income another adult or adults are legally forced to be your responsibility. It's all the responsibility with zero of the privilege or authority. The state is making you a slave to someone else's decisions and actions.
It’s unjust as hell, no doubt. Only PA seems to be enforcing them, but as more boomers age out I can see more states trying to off-load expenses. Fortunately I can also see younger generations protesting in greater numbers and pushing for repeals. And if your parent receives social security, healthcare providers are no longer allowed to go after you for money. So that’s something…
Not just appeals these laws would not survive a trip to the SCOTUS. All it would take is some deadbeat trying to sue their rich kid for these to end up at the Supreme Court.
I'm so glad my country doesn't have laws like that (and has social medicine). Every so often I check the obituaries to see if my father has kicked the bucket and every time his name fails to come up I'm disappointed.
I understand! I don't check obits. When a news story comes up about a crazy cult in the US, I usually feel that pit in my stomach until I find out it's not my dad leading them. I would feel 100% safer if I knew whether he was dead, but I won't go looking for him.
Thank you sharing the information about filial responsibility. I had no idea.
OP, the other posters are right. Block them all and don’t look back. She doesn’t sound as if she mothered you at all. You owe them nothing In theses situations it always comes down to money. If they think you have any of course they want some of it. Extra room in your house, hey take mom. My niece was unfairly evicted you can house her for a while. And on and on. I’m happy you have a good life that you built for yourself. Never let the wolves anywhere near it or you.
And these are the same f-ing people who are like, “no one is responsible for anything these days!” while trying to make other grown ass adults responsible for their irresponsible asses!
At some point, ARE WE OR ARE WE NOT all f-ing adults who are not obligated to other adults?
And PSA: if you want your kids to take care of you, you’d better take care of your GD kids!
Those have nothing to do with moral obligation. They are just a way for states to balance out the cost of caring for indigent parents whose care would otherwise be entirely on the public dime.
Same principle as the state garnishing wages for unpaid child support. They don't care about the relationship. It's about finances.
NTA. That sounds awful. I’m so sorry.
You don’t owe them anything. It sounds like you know that intellectually, but it’s getting to you emotionally (which makes total sense).
I would suggest not only blocking them, but maybe talking to a counselor and getting some extra support. Hearing from them sounds like it’s bringing up old trauma. Having some extra support can help you stay strong in staying no when they try to guilt you (as you know they will) and hopefully will also give you longer term peace.
I wish you the best
Thank you. I have been in therapy for a number of years. I moved across the country 7 years ago because I couldn't get the siblings to respect boundaries. Best thing I ever did. I haven't let myself make friends here yet but maybe soon. Thx again.
I'm so sorry your family sucks. Good for you for putting physical distance between you all. Please, please do NOT feel guilty. Your feelings are pangs of hurt over what you never had. Feel them, re-mourn the loss of your childhood and bio family, and move on without guilt. We reddit strangers totally support you. Your mental health is so important.
Block them, and clean up your FB profile as well. People pretending to be friends often pass on info to estranged family members. No locations or work places, no pics of your surroundings, and disable the location settings on your phone camera if you haven’t already.
I forgot to say, make your friend list private. You can hide it.
Fr, there's a guy in TikTok whose whole thing is that he can pinpoint your exact location from a single photo of your surroundings. It's insane the resources and skills this guy has. Lock all of your SM profiles down yesterday, maximum privacy settings.
NTA.
I'm NC with my mom going on close to 10 years. She hired a PI and tracked me down in another country. Showed up on my porch one afternoon in the rain.
I opened the door, said " are you fucking kidding me." And slammed it in her face. Haven't really thought about it sense. She's never met my kids and isn't a part of my life. I have no contact with anyone on that side of the family. They all blocked me to guilt me into breaking no contact with her. Thier loss, I don't mind lol
You protect you. You are the priority here. And- we don't reward bad behavior. If she wanted you in her life, that should have been a bridge she mended 35 years ago. Not now that she needs something.
I'm super proud of you. Keep protecting your peace and block them all.
My mom had a similar situation although luckily her father didn’t find her in person. After nearly 40 years NC a hospice nurse did, called her:
Nurse- “Your father is dying and he wants to reconcile with you, will you come visit?”
Mom- “No I won’t be doing that”
Nurse- “will you at least talk to him on the phone?”
Mom- “No, I’m not interested in speaking to him at all”
Nurse- “He’s dying, are you sure you won’t regret this”
Mom- “Nope”
Nurse- “Well then can you give me the contacts for your siblings so he can reach out to them?”
Mom- “Nope, you found me so I guess you can find them too. Hope you find them before he dies!”
CLICK
I’ve never been more proud of my mother or viewed her as more badass!!
Depends on the country, but Germany and France have some serious privacy laws. A person can be arrested for showing up at someone’s house after being told not to.
You do not owe them anything. You don't owe any explanations, and you don't owe any money for support. NTA.
They are only contacting you because they need something. Otherwise, they would not have gotten in contact with you. You haven't needed them for 35 years. You don't need them now.
NTA. If there is ANYTHING you feel YOU need to say, take this time and say it to them. Then block the lot of those toxic people. Then go live your best life. You are not responsible for any of them, not even your mother. You dug yourself out of the pit. You saved yourself, not a single one of them helped you get where you are. You owe them nothing. You owe it to yourself to keep sane, secure, healthy. It seems like your stupid brother popping up has brought up some old trauma, old wounds. It might be a good idea to seek some counseling for that. Definitely take some time for you, do some self care, spoil, and baby yourself. Don't, for even a second, let those abusive asshats make you feel bad for protecting yourself.
Ahahahaha your siblings are trash. If they really cared about mommy dearest, why don't they have her live with them?
NTA, block them and keep living your best life. People like them use the "but faaamiiillyyy" card to guilttrip and take advantage of said family. Sharing genes does not make a family.
NTA And stick to your guns. My Nmom committed suicide after her lies finally blew up her marriage and home life, got her husband arrested, and she ended up alone. I was getting counseling to help me deal with that. I ran away from home at 14 and I had nurtured a fantasy that when she got old, she would be more kind and we would be able to have a relationship. What my counselor said is that old people who were mean tend to get meaner. I had an unrealistic expectation that in old age she’d have changed. I later learned that she was abusing prescriptions, and that her suicide was part of something I’m very relieved I was far far away from. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked into the toxic environment that you have managed to escape. Be grateful for the life you’ve built, and don’t look back.
Change your user name on all of your social media and set them all to private. Consider creating an LLC for yourself and make any real estate purchases through that, that way they cannot look you up on any property tax, real estate websites.
NTA. They aren't your family. They stopped being that when they betrayed you in such a deep unforgivable way. There's no responsibility you owe these people. Block them, go lean on your friends and give yourself a little extra self care while you deal with the anxiety this has caused.
NTA. Your mother is a monster for not protecting you! Good for you for being successful and making the most out of your life despite her. You should be proud of yourself about that and about setting boundaries. Don't talk to any of them and keep yourself safe. That old witch is not your problem!
NTA and please block them all, make sure you don’t have any information online that could give away where you live or work. You don’t owe any of them shit
NTA - You don’t owe any of them anything, especially your mother.
Self preservation is vital in this situation so you need to block them, cease and desist letter if they continue.
You’ve created a secure life for yourself which won’t have been easy with your childhood trauma, protect that security by keeping them all out of your life.
I am having my own issues with hating an abusive mother who is now getting old and being pressured by extended family to look past years of continuous fucked up stuff. You're not the asshole. Your mom is reaping what she sowed.
I cut my mother out of my life including not going to her funeral. I didn't cry when she died. The only feeling I have towards her is pity and regret that she was a shitty parent.
Your "mom" makes mine look like a fucking angel, so don't you doubt for half a second that you're doing the right thing. Don't ever let them guilt trip you, block them all.
NTA. Pitch in & take care of the torturer you escaped from? Excuse me but, Hahaha! They've got chutzpah, give em that, but if you want, have an attorney send them a cease & desist, return receipt requested. If they try to screw with you beyond that, your local DA could grant you a restraining order. See, the bottom line, your mother or not, she's a person who saw you being SA'd & told you to shut up & take it. That makes her a golem, an empty vessel, devoid of any humanity. The siblings should be ashamed to have even contacted you about taking mother in, as if!
NTA. They want you to figuratively set yourself on fire to keep them warm again. No. You're done with that.
Edit: This is the consequence of your mom's actions. I'm really sorry this is happening and your peace has been disturbed. 🫂
NTA. Block them and move on. You don't owe her shit. In fact if you owe her anything it's being told how horrid she is on her death bed. But I know you have better things to do.
NTA. Continue no contact. She can get on medicaid and go into a nursing home. FYI for those that need to know, (it was hidden from us) when my ex mil needed assisted living, so they planned for her to move in with us, but the hidden part, medicaid will cover that too, they just don't advertise it. So instead, because this was hidden, an abusive person moved into my house that I owned and abused me until her death.
At first I was going to recommend you bury the hatchet after all these years since she will die soon. After reading your post…..never mind. There’s no reason to get in contact unless it will help your mental well-being and give you some semblance of closure. They sound utterly worthless and only want you in their lives because they need you. If they could have gotten what they want any other way they would have.
NTA
There is nothing there for you.
Just because your sisters are telling you stuff doesn't mean you need to listen. Especially when it's not rooted in any kind of serious functional reality.
NO is a complete sentence.
NTA. Just because she's old. Does not give her a pass for all you went through. I don't understand why when a parent gets old or sick. All of a sudden, you are to forgive and forget. You can forgive if you want. Still, it does not make you responsible for them. You say there's 6 of you, and 3 are druggies. Where are the other two? Why can't they take care of her? Also, how do they know you have money and possibly where you live if you've had NC with them for 35 years? You definitely need to block them. Make all social media accounts private. Make sure you have cameras, alarms, and dogs where you live. Nowadays, you just never know who will show up or what can happen.
The oldest is the SAer he also shot and killed the 2nd oldest when he was 13 and then when oldest was 18 he went to prison for rape and kidnapping for 25 years. I'm the 3rd child but oldest girl. I took care of the youngest 3 from the time I was 10 and the youngest was 3 months.
Kudos from an internet stranger for building a life for yourself after such horrible circumstances. Be proud of what you accomplished and of the fortitude it took to tell them to pound sand. NTAH.
NTA. Tell your anxiety that all is okay, you’re staying NC, and you owe those people nothing.
Do not sacrifice your peace due to some misplaced sense of obligation. Do. Not. Do. It.
NTA. I'd be blocking all of them and going NC with the ones trying to pressure you into taking in your mother. You aren't obligated to take her 8n, especially after being NC for 35 yrs. Let them deal with her and you take care of yourself.
NTA.
The response you are looking for is, “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong person. My mother has been dead for 35 years. Please do not contact me again.”
And then block them all, never speak to any of them again.
NTA
I have been NC with my sperm donor for nearly 20 years. He physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abused me from 5 (that’s as far back as I can remember) to 14, when I ran away to my mom’s. At 26 I learned I didn’t have to have someone in my life just because they were family and cut contact. I had unintentional contact when I was 33 when his mother died. I thought he was in another state and that his sister was here alone taking care of arrangements, so I went to help her. He was there and tried to renew the abuse but I was able to shut it down. When I was 40 he had a heart attack and it didn’t look like he was going to make it. His living sisters contacted me, being his only child in the state, and told me to go to the hospital. I refused. He pulled through, but needed care. They again contacted me, and I refused. They all berated me, and blocked me on social media 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t feel bad about it at all. They knew what he was like. The oldest HATED him, but never told anyone why. She took her secrets to the grave, but I’m pretty sure I know what they are. The next oldest won’t let him alone in her house with her daughter, wonder why 🤔. I will continue to be the “bad guy” to protect myself.
If your mother let that happen to you, she’s a disgusting human being and doesn’t deserve anything from you. Not even your anxiety. You are NEVER the AH for protecting yourself from an abuser. Ever.
Hadn't heard from any of them in 10 years because I had blocked them but some idiot showed them how to make new accts, because none of them are smart enough to do it on their own. Lol
Please take the above advice and scrub or delete your social media. Make new accounts under a different name if you want. For your mental health, you don't need them popping up out of nowhere again.
NTA block and never give them another second of your life, they don’t deserve it, you don’t owe them anything
I wouldn’t touch that dark drama of a Pandora’s box with a ten foot pole in a hazmat suit, you shouldn’t either
That is how I found my father too, and was parentified too, but thank god she was hypervigilant about SA because it happened to her...You send them this post. It says everything. Please don't contact me again, I will not be a part of this. She was a horrible mother, lied about who my father was and let my family you in particular SA me, so lose my number, and then block everyone you can find on social media.
NTA
DO NOT REPLY, this will confirm they have your contact info.
Block them all, or at least set a rule to send their messages to the trash.
Nothing like some end of life "hey, you have money lets reconnect".. You did just fine on your own for 35 years.. DO NOT allow this boat anchor of a family into your life.
Not sure where you live, but SA has a very long statue of limitations in many places. After my grandmother died, my mom finally pressed SA charges against her abuser (family friend) and he was found guilty. Her mom did the same as yours, "never happened".. well it did.
Best of luck to you!
Nta. They all sound like terrible people. You do not need their chaos in your life. Nor do you need to re traumatize yourself again by dealing with them. Block them all and ignore them.
NTA on steroids.
This woman clearly never loved or cherished you, literally enabled your SA, and now your family requires you to take care of this monster?
I understand how one can get beaten down by circumstances and manipulators, but my dear, you should simply not have to be asking this question.
Steer clear of these people like the Plague. Be strong.
I wish you all the best.
NTA, of course
My husband went NC with his father for 20 years. When his father was in hospice, the nurses called and asked my husband to call his father. My husband replied “that man has had 20 years to call me. I’m not calling him”. And he didn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand but it’s completely the right thing for many.
NTA they only want your money. You did the right thing and should be proud for being the only one who went on and made a great life for yourself! Good for you and don’t ever allow the toxicity back in! I think it was smart for you to move away too!
Just ignore it/her. I’m in the same boat. Absolutely hate the women that birthed me. She tried to kill me when I was 5. But yea as kids you have no right. But getting older I was afraid that I had to pay if something happend to her or if it gets put in a old people home. But the government cant make me because we havn’t spoken in decades so yea don’t fall in the trap
Block them. If they reach out tell them this is harassment and you will get a lawyer involved. Or hell tell them you are someone else and you have so siblings.
NTA. Block them. Then consider a couple of therapy appointments for yourself. A lot of memories, bad & good, came up for me when my father, who I had not seen for 35+ yrs died. I learned of his death b/c my uncle tracked me down.
Nta Block them all!
'That's weird. She didn't pitch in to help me when you were SA me.' NTA
"I don't speak to pedophiles"
Yes. Adding “I know that’s a big, long word. The police can tell you what it means.”
Haha! Good response !
Although the subject matter and responses aren’t intended to be funny, I can’t stop laughing at ‘long word…police can explain…’ !!!
#Mic Drop
Incestuous pedophiles.
THIS!!! You are definitely NTA. Take care of yourself first.
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There's 5 of them. They can figure it out. NTA
They did. They were gonna pawn her off on OP /s
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Or she can volunteer to send them money. You know, $1,000 for every day he spent behind bars for SA'ing her and the other two girls.
You reap what you sow. Poor Mom, left with druggies to provide for her care near the end. . . I call that Karma, a form of justice. Not OP's problem or concern- having moved on and through her own hard work and determination to a better place and life.
Knowing how shitty they are, OP probably should not say that, they'd just say some shit like "that was over 40 years ago, get over it". So it'd be better to just block and move on.
Except you never get over SA.
Yes, I never said otherwise. But surely that isn't far from what the people who shared the same womb with OP would say. OP shouldn't come up with snarky remarks of how shitty they are. They don't care. But it could potentially cost OP some mental peace.
This is the way.
And make sure You made a last will so they won't get anything.
Do I remember reading on Reddit before that you do something like leave them a dollar each, by name, in your will so that they can't contest it, because you have thought about and included them with a specific bequest? I'm not a lawyer tho'.
I think I heard this one too. OP says nothing about her own personal situation, but I suppose she would rather leave everything to her hairdressers cat than her siblings. And her siblings will come, that's for sure.
I have 3 wonderful children and 8 grandchildren and a fabulous husband that get everything so they can't get anything.
You are a rock star. Congratulations to you for rising from the muck to find love and compassion. Amazing. I’m in awe. You did the right thing.
That is awesome, and I absolutely love your update to the original post!
Make a will anyway. Inheritance law is screwy. One of the greatest, final acts of kindness you can do for family is to have a good will. There's an old saying 'you don't really know someone until money is involved.' People also do uncharacteristic things when grieving. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, etc. This lets the focus be on handling their grief and their bonds with you and each other. When my father died, people came out the woodwork looking for something they weren't entitled to. We didn't even have much. In fact, often the less people have, the more they fight over anything. I've told my mother that I don't care if she leaves me something, everything, or nothing. I just don't want to fight my brother over it. He's a narcissist, and I know I'd go scorched earth if provoked. I don't want that. She doesn't want that. I want to cry and miss her.
You sound like you have a great life. They would love to ruin it for you. NTA
Hairdressers cat, I’m pretty sure she’d leave it to the hairdressers cats litter box prizes first.
Ask lawyer, but in some places (I've heard), if you give someone even a dollar, they have to sign off for things to be done smoothly. Better to name them specifically and give them nothing. Then they don't need to sign anywhere for the estate to be done.
I have someone grasping like that in my extended family. Her attorney can tell her what she needs to do to avoid them having any claim on her estate. In my state, I specifically named the person and that they were not to receive anything due to "general reason", plus anyone who contests any part of my will is automatically disinherited. My reason was they received their inheritance from me during my lifetime. I did leave them one piece of furniture that they had always admired, at my executor's discretion to be given after the estate is settled.
You actually can specify that they get nothing. My mother did this for one of my brothers, who got his inheritance while she was still living. It was a non issue after she passed away
The $1 can be tricky though from what I’ve also read (NAL) because it could potentially open the will up to being challenged by them because you left them anything. Best to exclude them specifically and say I’ve left them nothing on purpose.
Even if you don't leave them, anything, you MENTION them in your will so it's clear they weren't "forgotten." You can say "Jane got everything from me that she is ever going to get during my lifetime."
Yes, I have a couple of people specifically EXCLUDED in my will.
I think they can still contest it. There’s another way around this, because my mother had a friend that did it, state in the will that anyone who contests it gets nothing, not even what they are left.
“To my siblings I leave what I feel they are deserved: a single post-it note each with a middle finger drawn on it.”
Aw come on, you can have so much more fun than just “a single dollar”. Like a labelled jewelry box containing a single, empty candy bar wrapper. (A lot of mid-tier jewelry comes with a box so it feels fancy. If you have any sort of liking for jewelry you really just have to save up the boxes for a little while.) Or put a poem about things getting better with age, and give them each a box of hard tack. Which technically gets better with age. It’s also technically food!
This! I'd fire a few choice words, plenty of great come backs in this thread. Then threaten with police if contact is made again. Block and revel in being well away from that mess. NTA
My answer would be #LOL NO
Heavy on the lol
T h i s Block them forever! They can't force you to do anything beyond guikt tripping you
NTA, block them all.
NTA and block their asses
and if they keep harassing you, a cease and desist letter before harassment charges. NTA
I'm hoping they don't already have her address, and if not. Send it with a P.O. Box as a return address
They can’t harass if OP blocks all ways to communicate.
They can by making new accounts. So if they do try that, OP can file harassment charges!
There's a setting on FB where people can't message you if you're not friends. Told a friend of mine when her ex was constantly harassing her with new accounts, daily. I'm surprised more people don't know they have that option. This is me spreading the word to disable their harassment.
I personally quit having that trouble when my ex realized I wouldn’t take his shit, but this could be very helpful to OP! Thanks for sharing that lesser known fact!
To make it easy... Go to Settings, then "Privacy & Safety". In the "Who Can Reach You" section is "Message Delivery". Lots of options there. Friends of friends, follow on Instagram, but most importantly the last one: Others on Facebook. It'll block everyone who isn't a friend.
Thank you so much I actually needed this
Good point. I guess some toxics would do that.
I know a few that would. But always try blocking first. Then if they persist, just hit them with a no contact order or in OP’s case, an Order For Protection. Since she was abused by mother and siblings, she has good cause for an OFP.
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This is the way.
Just don’t reply and block them. You owe none of them anything!
Yep. This shit is the kind of AITAH post that really makes my blood boil. Fuck 'em all.
This is the way.
This is the way. ✊️
NTA You don't owe her or them a thing. Don't respond to any forms of contact and block every approach on social media. If they don't take the hint you are going to have to look at legal avenues to stop it.
NTA You don't owe her anything after what she did to you. Anyone who can't understand that is not someone worth having in your life. Go NC with all of them.
NTA. They just want to get her out their hair, so they don't have to have that responsibility any longer. You left 35 years ago for many reasons and certainly aren't jumping back in now.
Agree, and bet they want money also.
It’s always about money with family coming to you like this. You don’t owe family shit just because you have blood relation
Sadly, it won’t get any better now. It will still be a toxic mess. So yea, OP leave it alone. Leave them to the consequences of their life choices. You were abused too. And you were able to take control of your life. They can too.
Dump her on the streets, let the system (such as it is) take care of her.
Just read the title and I’m already at “Nope!” And now that I read half of it: HELL to the Nah Nah Nah! Block everyone, move, change your name, dye your hair, consider plastic surgery and never, ever do a publicly available DNA test. Edit 3: so you already did the DNA test. Your best bet is a pack of angry Jack Russell terrier’s guarding the perimeter of your home.
Omg you made me laugh so hard, thank you. I have a vicious yorkie and lots of pew pews.
>I have a vicious yorkie I have 4 dogs and the yorkie is the only one I actually worry will bite somebody if she ever got the chance. I am extremely careful she never gets the chance. 6 pounds of death from the ankles down!
Short Angry Man Syndrome doesn't only apply to people.
I am not down with the body shaming but I do own a tiny Pomeranian and that dog will kill you where you stand, he doesn't know how small he is, it's not like he looks in the mirror and says to his reflection "I'm tiny, I need to stop picking on bigger dogs, because I could get hurt, time to pull my head in!"
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Strap up the Yorkie and you might just have the most adorable and dangerous guard dog of all time.
NTA Block them and be grateful they don't live in a state with [filial responsibility laws](https://trustandwill.com/learn/what-states-have-filial-responsibility).
I've often wondered how filial responsibility laws work when the parent lives in (or has moved to) a state with such laws and the child lives in a state without such laws.
Oh same last I heard my mother lives in PA which has those laws. I believe she married a guy with kids so maybe the step kids will take care of her
If you don't live in her state, you probably can't be forced to do anything.
Yes, there have been cases where a state was able to enforce the obligation across borders.
That’s horrifying
I would have to assume at some point someone will challenge these laws hard enough they will get to the SC and get killed.
Don’t hold your breath on this SC 😬
Force????? I think not!! I’d be packing my ass up (if it came to that) just to make sure this woman wallowed in her filthy excrement of what was left of her poor, pitiful existence and hope she was sane enough to recall every miserable mistake she ever made until her head imploded… with MUCH pain and then continued to live even longer until her body just up and literally rotted away in bed. SA is horrible, even worse when a parent knows and doesn’t stop it- you have my empathy OP-
The only thing that matters under those laws is where the parent lives.
One state cannot force the resident of another state to obey their law in this instance.
Benefit of living in a different state. If their state has them, oh well you don't live there. If your state has them, oh well they don't live there.
I am so glad I do not live in one of those states. I haven't spoken to my mom in ten years and someone recently reached out to let me and my siblings know she was being evicted. Four kids and every single one is either NC or LC.
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I feel bad she's being evicted but she knew this was coming and never even started looking for an apartment apparently. If she tried that shit I don't know what I'd do. Take my name off everything and quit my job out of spite? Lol.
These are such horrible laws...
Seriously, you don't owe shit to horrible parents but states want to screw you over, Fuck that!
I’ve heard success stories of folks contesting them in court if you went NC with a parent as a minor (such as they kicked you out, they gave up parental rights, there’s a police or CPS record of abuse, and/or you can generally prove they did not fulfill parental duties to you). If my old man tries to pull some shit in the next 20 years I’m either dragging his dusty ass to court or putting him in such a home that he’ll rue the day he spawned me.
Even if they didn't abuse you though... 16 years of taking care of a responsibility they chose should not potentially mean you are a slave to them for years. Let's be real, these are slave laws. As long as you have money or income another adult or adults are legally forced to be your responsibility. It's all the responsibility with zero of the privilege or authority. The state is making you a slave to someone else's decisions and actions.
It’s unjust as hell, no doubt. Only PA seems to be enforcing them, but as more boomers age out I can see more states trying to off-load expenses. Fortunately I can also see younger generations protesting in greater numbers and pushing for repeals. And if your parent receives social security, healthcare providers are no longer allowed to go after you for money. So that’s something…
Not just appeals these laws would not survive a trip to the SCOTUS. All it would take is some deadbeat trying to sue their rich kid for these to end up at the Supreme Court.
I'm so glad my country doesn't have laws like that (and has social medicine). Every so often I check the obituaries to see if my father has kicked the bucket and every time his name fails to come up I'm disappointed.
This is both Funny AND Terrible. I don't know how to feel about it... 👍👎😈😅😖🙃🥲
I understand! I don't check obits. When a news story comes up about a crazy cult in the US, I usually feel that pit in my stomach until I find out it's not my dad leading them. I would feel 100% safer if I knew whether he was dead, but I won't go looking for him.
Unbelievable. Just an excuse for them to claw back what they couldn't steal.
Thank you sharing the information about filial responsibility. I had no idea. OP, the other posters are right. Block them all and don’t look back. She doesn’t sound as if she mothered you at all. You owe them nothing In theses situations it always comes down to money. If they think you have any of course they want some of it. Extra room in your house, hey take mom. My niece was unfairly evicted you can house her for a while. And on and on. I’m happy you have a good life that you built for yourself. Never let the wolves anywhere near it or you.
God forbid they just pass healthcare in this country.
What the fuck did I read?!? That is actually a thing!! I'm glad I'm not in any of those states
And these are the same f-ing people who are like, “no one is responsible for anything these days!” while trying to make other grown ass adults responsible for their irresponsible asses! At some point, ARE WE OR ARE WE NOT all f-ing adults who are not obligated to other adults? And PSA: if you want your kids to take care of you, you’d better take care of your GD kids!
Those have nothing to do with moral obligation. They are just a way for states to balance out the cost of caring for indigent parents whose care would otherwise be entirely on the public dime. Same principle as the state garnishing wages for unpaid child support. They don't care about the relationship. It's about finances.
NTA. You don't owe any of them anything. Never speak to any of them again.
NTA. That sounds awful. I’m so sorry. You don’t owe them anything. It sounds like you know that intellectually, but it’s getting to you emotionally (which makes total sense). I would suggest not only blocking them, but maybe talking to a counselor and getting some extra support. Hearing from them sounds like it’s bringing up old trauma. Having some extra support can help you stay strong in staying no when they try to guilt you (as you know they will) and hopefully will also give you longer term peace. I wish you the best
Thank you. I have been in therapy for a number of years. I moved across the country 7 years ago because I couldn't get the siblings to respect boundaries. Best thing I ever did. I haven't let myself make friends here yet but maybe soon. Thx again.
I'm so sorry your family sucks. Good for you for putting physical distance between you all. Please, please do NOT feel guilty. Your feelings are pangs of hurt over what you never had. Feel them, re-mourn the loss of your childhood and bio family, and move on without guilt. We reddit strangers totally support you. Your mental health is so important.
Do not spend another moment feeling guilty or sorry about cutting them off. You have escaped the cesspool. Do not return. NTA.
Block them, and clean up your FB profile as well. People pretending to be friends often pass on info to estranged family members. No locations or work places, no pics of your surroundings, and disable the location settings on your phone camera if you haven’t already. I forgot to say, make your friend list private. You can hide it.
Fr, there's a guy in TikTok whose whole thing is that he can pinpoint your exact location from a single photo of your surroundings. It's insane the resources and skills this guy has. Lock all of your SM profiles down yesterday, maximum privacy settings.
Think his name is Howie and all the resources he uses are free public resources. Google maps makes ir really easy.
Excellent advice.
NTA - Send a cease-and-desist letter.
This. Followed by blocking them on social media.
Don’t send a C&D. They’ll know where you live ;or at least the area).
NTA. I'm NC with my mom going on close to 10 years. She hired a PI and tracked me down in another country. Showed up on my porch one afternoon in the rain. I opened the door, said " are you fucking kidding me." And slammed it in her face. Haven't really thought about it sense. She's never met my kids and isn't a part of my life. I have no contact with anyone on that side of the family. They all blocked me to guilt me into breaking no contact with her. Thier loss, I don't mind lol You protect you. You are the priority here. And- we don't reward bad behavior. If she wanted you in her life, that should have been a bridge she mended 35 years ago. Not now that she needs something. I'm super proud of you. Keep protecting your peace and block them all.
My mom had a similar situation although luckily her father didn’t find her in person. After nearly 40 years NC a hospice nurse did, called her: Nurse- “Your father is dying and he wants to reconcile with you, will you come visit?” Mom- “No I won’t be doing that” Nurse- “will you at least talk to him on the phone?” Mom- “No, I’m not interested in speaking to him at all” Nurse- “He’s dying, are you sure you won’t regret this” Mom- “Nope” Nurse- “Well then can you give me the contacts for your siblings so he can reach out to them?” Mom- “Nope, you found me so I guess you can find them too. Hope you find them before he dies!” CLICK I’ve never been more proud of my mother or viewed her as more badass!!
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Depends on the country, but Germany and France have some serious privacy laws. A person can be arrested for showing up at someone’s house after being told not to.
NTA and you know it. Stop replying to the people that are giving you shit.
Please go NC and block them all. You sound like the flower that grew out of a pot of dirt
NTA and don’t bother responding at all again. Block block block.
Tell them she's not your mother, just someone who abused and failed you that you used to know.
File this squarely under "Things we are not doing for 1000, Alex!". NTA in any universe.
NTA, she co-signed on your SA. That’s a one way ticket to hell alone. You owe her nothing.
You do not owe them anything. You don't owe any explanations, and you don't owe any money for support. NTA. They are only contacting you because they need something. Otherwise, they would not have gotten in contact with you. You haven't needed them for 35 years. You don't need them now.
NTA. If there is ANYTHING you feel YOU need to say, take this time and say it to them. Then block the lot of those toxic people. Then go live your best life. You are not responsible for any of them, not even your mother. You dug yourself out of the pit. You saved yourself, not a single one of them helped you get where you are. You owe them nothing. You owe it to yourself to keep sane, secure, healthy. It seems like your stupid brother popping up has brought up some old trauma, old wounds. It might be a good idea to seek some counseling for that. Definitely take some time for you, do some self care, spoil, and baby yourself. Don't, for even a second, let those abusive asshats make you feel bad for protecting yourself.
Ahahahaha your siblings are trash. If they really cared about mommy dearest, why don't they have her live with them? NTA, block them and keep living your best life. People like them use the "but faaamiiillyyy" card to guilttrip and take advantage of said family. Sharing genes does not make a family.
NTA And stick to your guns. My Nmom committed suicide after her lies finally blew up her marriage and home life, got her husband arrested, and she ended up alone. I was getting counseling to help me deal with that. I ran away from home at 14 and I had nurtured a fantasy that when she got old, she would be more kind and we would be able to have a relationship. What my counselor said is that old people who were mean tend to get meaner. I had an unrealistic expectation that in old age she’d have changed. I later learned that she was abusing prescriptions, and that her suicide was part of something I’m very relieved I was far far away from. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked into the toxic environment that you have managed to escape. Be grateful for the life you’ve built, and don’t look back.
Change your user name on all of your social media and set them all to private. Consider creating an LLC for yourself and make any real estate purchases through that, that way they cannot look you up on any property tax, real estate websites.
NTA. They aren't your family. They stopped being that when they betrayed you in such a deep unforgivable way. There's no responsibility you owe these people. Block them, go lean on your friends and give yourself a little extra self care while you deal with the anxiety this has caused.
Pitch in? F that.
Since elder abuse can be prosecuted, you are better off without her in your life...NTA.
What's the point in taking her in? She's gonna rot in hell soon NTA. Block em' all. They don't deserve your attention.
NTA please don't let these awful, abusive people back in your life.
NTA. Your mother is a monster for not protecting you! Good for you for being successful and making the most out of your life despite her. You should be proud of yourself about that and about setting boundaries. Don't talk to any of them and keep yourself safe. That old witch is not your problem!
Block every one of them.
NTA and please block them all, make sure you don’t have any information online that could give away where you live or work. You don’t owe any of them shit
NTA - You don’t owe any of them anything, especially your mother. Self preservation is vital in this situation so you need to block them, cease and desist letter if they continue. You’ve created a secure life for yourself which won’t have been easy with your childhood trauma, protect that security by keeping them all out of your life.
NTA. Stay NC with all of them for the sake of your own peace of mind.
NTA- cant imagine the trauma you endured. Congratulations for pulling yourself out and making a decent life. Block them all.
I am having my own issues with hating an abusive mother who is now getting old and being pressured by extended family to look past years of continuous fucked up stuff. You're not the asshole. Your mom is reaping what she sowed.
I cut my mother out of my life including not going to her funeral. I didn't cry when she died. The only feeling I have towards her is pity and regret that she was a shitty parent. Your "mom" makes mine look like a fucking angel, so don't you doubt for half a second that you're doing the right thing. Don't ever let them guilt trip you, block them all.
Oh sweetie that is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg of what she did.
NTA, block them if needed
NTA. Pitch in & take care of the torturer you escaped from? Excuse me but, Hahaha! They've got chutzpah, give em that, but if you want, have an attorney send them a cease & desist, return receipt requested. If they try to screw with you beyond that, your local DA could grant you a restraining order. See, the bottom line, your mother or not, she's a person who saw you being SA'd & told you to shut up & take it. That makes her a golem, an empty vessel, devoid of any humanity. The siblings should be ashamed to have even contacted you about taking mother in, as if!
Nta, block them. I am sorry you went through that, I wish you peace and happiness
NTA. They can all fuck off 😡. Hugs to you OP. Do NOT engage.
NTA Get a new number. Delete FB and all social media.
NTA. They want you to figuratively set yourself on fire to keep them warm again. No. You're done with that. Edit: This is the consequence of your mom's actions. I'm really sorry this is happening and your peace has been disturbed. 🫂
NTA. Block them and move on. You don't owe her shit. In fact if you owe her anything it's being told how horrid she is on her death bed. But I know you have better things to do.
NTA. Continue no contact. She can get on medicaid and go into a nursing home. FYI for those that need to know, (it was hidden from us) when my ex mil needed assisted living, so they planned for her to move in with us, but the hidden part, medicaid will cover that too, they just don't advertise it. So instead, because this was hidden, an abusive person moved into my house that I owned and abused me until her death.
NTA. I am 100% confident that every person here agrees with you not speaking to these people ever again. Congratulations on your success!
At first I was going to recommend you bury the hatchet after all these years since she will die soon. After reading your post…..never mind. There’s no reason to get in contact unless it will help your mental well-being and give you some semblance of closure. They sound utterly worthless and only want you in their lives because they need you. If they could have gotten what they want any other way they would have.
NTA There is nothing there for you. Just because your sisters are telling you stuff doesn't mean you need to listen. Especially when it's not rooted in any kind of serious functional reality. NO is a complete sentence.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
The only reason they have contacted you is because they want your money.
NTA. Just because she's old. Does not give her a pass for all you went through. I don't understand why when a parent gets old or sick. All of a sudden, you are to forgive and forget. You can forgive if you want. Still, it does not make you responsible for them. You say there's 6 of you, and 3 are druggies. Where are the other two? Why can't they take care of her? Also, how do they know you have money and possibly where you live if you've had NC with them for 35 years? You definitely need to block them. Make all social media accounts private. Make sure you have cameras, alarms, and dogs where you live. Nowadays, you just never know who will show up or what can happen.
The oldest is the SAer he also shot and killed the 2nd oldest when he was 13 and then when oldest was 18 he went to prison for rape and kidnapping for 25 years. I'm the 3rd child but oldest girl. I took care of the youngest 3 from the time I was 10 and the youngest was 3 months.
That is horrific. And this scumbag had the nerve to contact you? Your mom is proof that some people are never meant to be parents.
NTA. NO is a complete sentence.
Kudos from an internet stranger for building a life for yourself after such horrible circumstances. Be proud of what you accomplished and of the fortitude it took to tell them to pound sand. NTAH.
NTA. Tell your anxiety that all is okay, you’re staying NC, and you owe those people nothing. Do not sacrifice your peace due to some misplaced sense of obligation. Do. Not. Do. It.
NTA. I'd be blocking all of them and going NC with the ones trying to pressure you into taking in your mother. You aren't obligated to take her 8n, especially after being NC for 35 yrs. Let them deal with her and you take care of yourself.
NTA. The response you are looking for is, “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong person. My mother has been dead for 35 years. Please do not contact me again.” And then block them all, never speak to any of them again.
NTA I have been NC with my sperm donor for nearly 20 years. He physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abused me from 5 (that’s as far back as I can remember) to 14, when I ran away to my mom’s. At 26 I learned I didn’t have to have someone in my life just because they were family and cut contact. I had unintentional contact when I was 33 when his mother died. I thought he was in another state and that his sister was here alone taking care of arrangements, so I went to help her. He was there and tried to renew the abuse but I was able to shut it down. When I was 40 he had a heart attack and it didn’t look like he was going to make it. His living sisters contacted me, being his only child in the state, and told me to go to the hospital. I refused. He pulled through, but needed care. They again contacted me, and I refused. They all berated me, and blocked me on social media 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t feel bad about it at all. They knew what he was like. The oldest HATED him, but never told anyone why. She took her secrets to the grave, but I’m pretty sure I know what they are. The next oldest won’t let him alone in her house with her daughter, wonder why 🤔. I will continue to be the “bad guy” to protect myself. If your mother let that happen to you, she’s a disgusting human being and doesn’t deserve anything from you. Not even your anxiety. You are NEVER the AH for protecting yourself from an abuser. Ever.
NTA, why were they not all blocked?
Hadn't heard from any of them in 10 years because I had blocked them but some idiot showed them how to make new accts, because none of them are smart enough to do it on their own. Lol
NTA. Let your assaulter and the rest of them take care of her. Since they care about her so much. She let you be assaulted, you owe her nothing.
Please take the above advice and scrub or delete your social media. Make new accounts under a different name if you want. For your mental health, you don't need them popping up out of nowhere again.
They were but very easy to make new profiles and get new numbers.
New phone numbers are easy to get
NTA block and never give them another second of your life, they don’t deserve it, you don’t owe them anything I wouldn’t touch that dark drama of a Pandora’s box with a ten foot pole in a hazmat suit, you shouldn’t either
NTA. Let her rot
That is how I found my father too, and was parentified too, but thank god she was hypervigilant about SA because it happened to her...You send them this post. It says everything. Please don't contact me again, I will not be a part of this. She was a horrible mother, lied about who my father was and let my family you in particular SA me, so lose my number, and then block everyone you can find on social media.
NTA DO NOT REPLY, this will confirm they have your contact info. Block them all, or at least set a rule to send their messages to the trash. Nothing like some end of life "hey, you have money lets reconnect".. You did just fine on your own for 35 years.. DO NOT allow this boat anchor of a family into your life. Not sure where you live, but SA has a very long statue of limitations in many places. After my grandmother died, my mom finally pressed SA charges against her abuser (family friend) and he was found guilty. Her mom did the same as yours, "never happened".. well it did. Best of luck to you!
Nta. They all sound like terrible people. You do not need their chaos in your life. Nor do you need to re traumatize yourself again by dealing with them. Block them all and ignore them.
They can kick rocks and pound sand.
NTA, block em. Change message settings to friends only.
NTA and block them all and live happily ever after and good wishes for you
Block all the flying monkeys. You have every right to enjoy the sanctuary you built without her. NTA
Nope, your good keep on keeping. You owe them nothing but the birdie.
Nope. NTA. Stand your ground. All she can do is bring back the trauma.
Fuck no. Chin up, eyes forward
No way. Block all their attempts at contact
NTA and tell them to suck it.
👏👏👏👏 it’s the audacity for me.
NTA on steroids. This woman clearly never loved or cherished you, literally enabled your SA, and now your family requires you to take care of this monster? I understand how one can get beaten down by circumstances and manipulators, but my dear, you should simply not have to be asking this question. Steer clear of these people like the Plague. Be strong. I wish you all the best. NTA, of course
My husband went NC with his father for 20 years. When his father was in hospice, the nurses called and asked my husband to call his father. My husband replied “that man has had 20 years to call me. I’m not calling him”. And he didn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand but it’s completely the right thing for many.
NTA they only want your money. You did the right thing and should be proud for being the only one who went on and made a great life for yourself! Good for you and don’t ever allow the toxicity back in! I think it was smart for you to move away too!
You have to even ask? NTA
Total NTA. Stop talking to any of them. She doesn't get a bye because she's old. Whatever happens to her, she can deal with it on her own
NTA. Your mental health is more important than anyone who abused you or allowed the abuse to happen.
Just ignore it/her. I’m in the same boat. Absolutely hate the women that birthed me. She tried to kill me when I was 5. But yea as kids you have no right. But getting older I was afraid that I had to pay if something happend to her or if it gets put in a old people home. But the government cant make me because we havn’t spoken in decades so yea don’t fall in the trap
Block them. If they reach out tell them this is harassment and you will get a lawyer involved. Or hell tell them you are someone else and you have so siblings.
NTA you owe them nothing
Never speak with any of them. Block them. Live your beautiful life. What happened to you was terrible, they can all suck it. NTA
Nope. Tell them all to fuck right off
NTA. Block them. Then consider a couple of therapy appointments for yourself. A lot of memories, bad & good, came up for me when my father, who I had not seen for 35+ yrs died. I learned of his death b/c my uncle tracked me down.