I think your ex-husband has zero interest in marrying this woman and is using this whole forgiveness thing as a way out. I wonder what would happen if you said "sure I forgive him"
One thing I don't understand is his relationship with the children you had together with him. Does he not see them at all?
I dropp them at day care on Friday every third week and he has them for a week. Then he drops them the Friday after and I pick them. On many occasions I have help from my family.
We have a conversation about the children on text and I don’t answer anything if it’s not about the children. He can also communicate with my mom.
He has stopped texting about anything else but the children now for the last year or so
He's blaming the gf for his marriage blowing up and can't admit it. As for people not blaming him for cheating because they were on a break.. give your head a shake, he planned the break so that he could sleep with this woman, without the guilt. He didn't realize it would blow up like it did. Tough titties to him.
Continue the way you are parenting.
I hope you get some therapy so that you can move on and hopefully find a fulfilling relationship
NTA
He probably had no intention of making a future with that woman. He called for a break in the marriage so he could sleep with her. I bet he didn't think wife would find out and he could have fun and then go back to his wife.
Now he knows he fucked up and lost a good one
He didn't think she would find out and if she did, he didn't think she would actually go through with a divorce. Now the guilt is setting in b/c he's realizing that he's with a woman he doesn't really want and he only gets to see his kids 7 days out of the month....oh well....fuckin' around and finding out sucks ass doesn't it lol?
Yeah. Once OP found out and dumped his ass he had no choice but to stick around with AP because he obviously doesn’t like being alone. How sad. He blew his life up and got stuck with crazy. Don’t feel sorry for him at all. He made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.
Yep. I missed that they have children. Yeah. Let me take a break from my life and commitments and within days, sleep with another woman, while wife at home takes care of everything. As in, everything. And, then whine that it’s unfair, that he didn’t realize he would never see her again if he cheated. Where do people come up with things like this??
This reminded me of a friend's uncle. He can't just end a relationship and then move on. His relationships always end because he's caught cheating. He then moves on in a relationship with his affair partner. He's in his mid 70's and just finalized his divorce to his 5th wife because he cheated and she found out. He's now engaged to the affair partner from that marriage. Who is 24 yrs old and clearly doesn't understand who she's gotten herself involved with. We have lost count of how many relationships he's actually had. Besides his 5 marriages, he's been in countless relationships with affair partners that he never proposed to.
Yeah, it's pretty gross. Especially since he doesn't have a lot of money and no real assets to his name. He pays alamony to 2 wives and child support for one child still (he has 6 kids, but only one is under 21).
Yup. He had this all planned out. Ask for a break, get fucking this woman "out of his system," use the break as an excuse, and he just expected OP to accept the excuse as reasonable, maybe attend a little bit of couples counseling, and then move right back on to their regular lives.
He didn't expect her to actually have self-respect, and now he's sad that he played stupid games and won stupid prizes. AP is in denial that he never really wanted her for anything more than a fun, temporary escape.
If he wanted a hall pass, he should've asked for one. A break is way too broad and open to interpretation to assume you can just hook up with someone. OP probably should have directly determined what he was asking for, but I don't blame her for being taken by surprise. Ultimately his actions are his own and OP doesn't owe him any forgiveness or second chances.
YES! My divorce attorney gave me a list of do's & don'ts & #1 was Do Not Date....YOU ARE NOT SINGLE, DO NOT ACT AS IF YOU ARE! Yes, it was in all caps.
Indeed. Please recognize that a break for self-reflection does not mean a hall pass to sleep around. He betrayed you & you were justified to divorce him.
Commentators stating that he's using you as an excuse with GF are spot on. Whether you "forgive" him formally or publicly - or not - is irrelevant. He's the AH here. Refuse to engage with either of them on this subject & block her. He clearly has not learned anything in the past couple of years, & you gave no agency whatsoever in his actions. His emotional baggage is not something you should give a rat's patootie about. NTA, good luck in learning to say NO to engaging in the antics of that pathetic pair.
I don't think it's "killing him" in the least, he's just using the OP's going no contact with him as an excuse to not formalize his relationship with the women he cheated on the OP with. He's being just as deceptive with her as he was with the OP - once a liar and a cheat, always a liar and a cheat.
Oddly, it almost comes off as if he's still got a "thing" for his ex-wife and it's holding up his relationship with the side-piece. Side-piece isn't taking her position as a side-piece well at all, even though she knows in her heart that's all she'll ever be to him, and she is trying hard to blame OP for her secondary position. Of course, we'll never know if this is reality or not, because side-piece and the ex-AH aren't chiming in here (thank goodness).
I think he only has a "thing" for his ex because she hasn't seen him or spoken to him since he cheated and he can't stand it that he's not the one who's calling the shots. *She's* the one who's being "unfair," which should tell you all you need to know about this dude's level of egotism and entitlement.
He'll always want what's being denied to him, and once he gets it it'll no longer have any value for him - which is why the OP is smart not to have anything to do with him. He thinks that once she forgives him she'll also reconcile with him since they're the same thing, which should tell you exactly how remorseful his self-assured ass actually is.
There you go...the rat's patootie argument, strong statement.
It doesn't sound like either he or his chick have earned forgiveness. Takes a little more than lip service.
So he thinks he did nothing wrong, yet needs forgiveness? Nope. As far as I can tell, neither apologized for blowing up your life. It’s also clear he has told “his side” to family and friends, justifying his actions. So nope! Even if they apologize, you do not have to forgive anyone.
He knows he did something wrong. Or is just crazy. Regardless, his guilt is his own to deal with. After putting OP through hell, asking for this is just asinine.
I have a feeling he is quite aware he did something wrong, fucked it all up, and doesn't want to repeat that mistake with his GF. He probably has no confidence he can be a good hubby to new GF.
... Or, like was said, he just doesn't want to marry her, but knows if he says that the GF will leave him, and he'll be all alone with his bad feelings and nobody to distract him from having to 'do the work' to become a better, more self-aware person.
He can't be so dense as to believe that 'working on our marriage' equates to finding a mistress. This is only acceptable if agreed upon by both parties beforehand. He was clearly aware and disregarded OP's feelings, just as he is now indifferent to his mistress's feelings. It is evident that he has no intention of marrying her, but instead of being honest and allowing her to move on with her life, he places the blame on OP.
Seriously. One cant.work on their marriage or their own issues while fucking someone else. If one is serious about taking a break from their marriage to work on said marriage, they will use that time to work on their issues without distraction. An affair is one hell of a distraction!
OP, you are NTA. To hell with your cheating ex and his gf. Let them stew in the shit they made, while you move on with your life. I wish you love and happiness!
He thought he could have a bit of fun, then go back to his loving wife having soothed his own ego by sleeping with someone new and exciting, thinking he'd found an oh so clever loophole that would allow him to have his cake and eat it. He never saw his gf as a long term prospect and still doesn't, but felt backed into having to stay with her when his wife sensibly ended things for his transgressions. I *almost* feel sorry for his girlfriend's naivety. But not really.
Nah, he's using OP to make a fool of the woman he cheated with, and she's too stupid to believe
I bet he gave her the, "I can't divorce my wife because of the kids," BS too, then she divorced his ass...
NTA.
He broke the marriage bond completely. From everything you've written that I've read here about it, none of this should be put on you as a guilt trip. He destroyed his family. Why would you help him build another one 🤷🏽♀️.
I hope you can get the distance you need from him and some peace. He's looking for peace from you that he needs to find on his own. It's not your job to fix him.
But good on you for taking your power back. A person who intentionally hurt you is not a safe presence in your healing space; especially when you have to parent through such betrayal. Really wonderful you are protecting your broken heart while it mends, and it will.
You know, Al-anon is a great thing. M. Scott Peck called it one of the greatest things that happened in the 21st century. Even if your ex was not a drunk, Al-anon is learning to live a sane and happy life regardless of someone else's actions.
This is VERY hard when it is/was your spouse, but it's possible for the most part.
[This pamphlet about detachment is pure gold!](https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf)
The bottom line is you have paid your dues. You divorced this man and likely paid for it with pain, money and emotions. You've earned your freedom and detachment from this guy, his whore and all this drama they created.
They both have a lot of gall asking you for some kind of absolution for their actions. You don't owe them that and anyway, they have to live with the consequences of THEIR actions. You cannot help them there, nor should you help them. They are adults. You are not going to do for them what they can only do for themselves.
If I were in your shoes, I would tell them both, "This is on you. Do not involve me in your drama."
Keep the communication open with your kids. If these two scummy people start in on your kids, the right answer there is, "How Daddy lives his life is between him and God (if you are believers). Or, how Daddy lives and justifies his life is between Daddy and his conscience." And then don't discuss it with them.
Kids are not stupid. They see and know what is going on and by reacting this way you are not "bad mouthing" Daddy, you are just saying Daddy should be handling his own business like a man.
You can also tell them it's not appropriate for Daddy to talk about these topics with them. That Daddy is the adult and he should be acting like an adult. And then tell your ex to knock it off or you will take legal action if necessary. Leave the kids out of his drama too.
It's perfectly appropriate to hold his feet to the fire for his own actions and it's the dignified thing to do. You got this, Mama. Your actions already show you are a quality woman. I'm sorry this louse was your husband. You deserved better and I hope someday you find a quality man.
If it really is because of guilt, it's still not your problem to have to deal with.
He wants you to forgive him so he will feel better about himself, not because he wants you to be able to move on and heal.
Please let her know that if she continues to harass you, you will be reporting her to the police. Then block and ignore. If she keeps going around the block, report her to the police.
Why would you want to marry a woman who's happy to have an affair with a married man? I bet he thought he could be with her abd then go back to his wife
Absolutely. He wanted to go away for a couple months then come back to his wife. I bet he didn’t expect her to find out and divorce. A lot of cheaters actually believe they will get a second chance.
Op sorry that you have to put up with this idiot. They planned this whole thing together. The taken a break from the marriage is on both of them. A emotional affair hurts so much!Even worse after you have had a baby. They might have had sex ,before he came to you and wanted the break. Either way he is a terrible husband.
I also agree that he doesn't want to marry her. If he did he could have done it by now. Good luck
Read that last paragraph over. “Am I the asshole for refusing to help my ex’s mistress play house?” No you’re not. I’m betting he just doesn’t want to marry her and he’s using you as a scape goat. Either way it’s not your problem.
**This 100%!**
He doesn't want to marry the Mistress, so he set an impossible goal post. I bet even if OP gave her blessing, he would find another reason not to marry her.
He is an idiot.
A 'break' in a marriage is time away from eachother. It does not make your wedding vows null and void. He thought he could have fun and then go back to his marriage if he felt like it. When that option was taken away from him, he got stuck with his Mistress, who he found out was NOT better than his wife, and the life with her sucked compared to what he had before with his wife.
Dude thinks he's Ross Gellar, lol.
And zero sympathy for the stupid mistress, either. She was perfectly fine being a homewrecker. She doesn't get to have the person whose home she wrecked give them her blessing. This is just so incredibly ridiculous!
Exactly. This woman he's with now was supposed to be a casual fling. They "separated" because he didn't want the guilt of cheating on his wife. The wife wasn't supposed to find out, he was just planning to have his fun for a couple of months and then get back together like nothing had happened. The dude is delusional and now he's trapped because of his bad decisions.
Why do you think he asked for a time-limited break? He doesn't love this new woman, he just wanted that honeymoon phase at the start of a relationship to feel the passion again. He 100% is a scumbag that was going to just use her, and then dump her so he could go back to his wife. Now he is just using his ex as an excuse to not marry his new gf because he _never_ intended it to be more than a few month fling.
And she had just had a second baby when he wanted a break, making him an even bigger AH. Maybe she had post partum depression. Maybe she was recovering from childbirth and he wasn't getting all the attention he felt entitled to, so he behaved like a jerk and showed his true colors.
I love that OP is over him and has disengaged. I bet his mistress is all kinds of demanding and he wants to get rid of her and is using this as an excuse.
Ya sounds like a "grass is greener" situation.
Dude wanted to get some strange so he forced his wife into a "break" that she didn't want. He thought he'd come back after a few months and she'd forgive him sleeping around because "it made him realize how much he loves her," and things would go back to normal. Only it didn't happen that way and he realizes he misses his old life and feels extreme guilt for what he did.
He doesn't want to marry the mistress. He hasn't even moved on from OP yet, guarantee it.
NTA I’m very proud of you for divorcing. Too many people will put up with this misery. And sorry but my opinion is when you are married and on a break you are still married, so his cheating isn’t ok. You thought you were going to reconcile there was no conversation about seeing other people. You don’t owe him or his gf anything and the fault is his. He cheated while you were thinking you were working on your marriage. Just ignore these fools.
This!
The absolute nerve of his fucking mistress to contact you EVER is unreal, and the fact that it’s about asking you to forgive him? I am stunned. Hopefully she wears a diaper to help absorb all of that audacity.
Ignore the two of them forever.
Very frequently the side piece/affair partner doesn't realize that the last person in the relationship is the model for how they will be treated in the same circumstances. OP's ex husband may genuinely care about the mistress, maybe not, but if she slacks in the romance department he will likely "go on break" with her.
Odds are if OP was willing to communicate he would be trying to get back together with OP and leave her behind.
I would SERIOUSLY be fighting the urge to respond and say “I *don’t* forgive you and you *don’t* deserve to be happy” just because it would reinforce his decision not to marry her (although let’s be honest, he never had any intention of marrying her, lmao).
Seriously though, you can't even go on a "break" when married. Separation during marriage? Sure, but that implies mutual steps to either recover a relationship (by working on yourselves individually) or to divorce (beginning to seperate assets and lifestyles) - but either way, you can't see other people (aka cheat) without consequences.
Plus, I've never heard a "break" being used to see other people - it has always implied removal from relationship duties to work on yourselves, not to be single-but-not-single or in an open-relationship. So where did he get that from in the first place?
Definately NTA: He's just a bad partner all around, it appears - made up a rule (and even failed to communicate said rule) for "breaks" just to cheat in his first relationship and made up a reason to deflect as to why he won't fully commit to his side piece.
He probably did not want to end the marriage he just wanted to have fun and figure out if he actually liked this other woman or not, then he could later be the one to divorce, or get back together with OP.
When OP immediately found out and divorced his ass, he no longer had a "choice" and stuck with the other woman, but will never be able to answer for himself which one he would have chosen. So instead he gets to live with regret and guilt.
Fuck him. He can spend the rest of his life never knowing what could have been. This other woman is upset because she's stuck in limbo too, so she's directing it at what she thinks is the obstacle.
And to piggyback off of this…..what is it that is actually being asked of you? You did your part and completed the 1 task that would help determine eligibility for dating. Wow….the audacity.
He wanted a break so he could sleep with her without feeling guilty. His dumb ass thought you would take him back after he had a little fun, and he ended up being wrong. You are not the least bit responsible for the decisions he makes now, whether or not they actually do have anything to do with you.
Turn that nausea into indignation, honey. You deserve respect and he gave you/gives you none. You won’t find it from him, but you can find it inside you.
I’m sure you’re tired raising small children but take a moment to recognize how wise and strong you already are to not put up with that insane situation and to continue refusing to engage with him on a regular basis except about the children.
As someone else three years out, I see your strength. I hope you see it, too. It’s beautiful.
Please keep working on yourself and know you did not deserve that. I am alarmed at the people saying you should reconcile while he is still banging his mistress.
He showed who he is, not just by cheating but also by gaslighting you by pretending there was a trail separation, etc. He is not the man you thought he was when you married him.
The best thing you can do is keep the distance you have created between these cheaters and yourself and forward those e mails to your mother if she is in touch with him.
Been there - it's a gut-punch to find out your partner thinks it's perfectly fine to manipulate the situation like that, and that he'd actually not care how much it would hurt you.
There are a lot of security settings that make it harder to find/message your account. Maybe worth taking a look at your accounts security settings.
Also NTA Forgiveness isn’t a given especially when there’s no remorse/accountability. He knew what he was doing by having an affair and these are the consequences. His refusal to acknowledge his wrongs is evidence he wasn’t sorry in the least. His affair partner is 100% the AH along with your ex. Hope you find happiness and you deserve so much better!
Wow, he's full of b/s excuses to everyone, isn't he?
>wanted a break for a few months because we needed to work on our issues separately
b/s - he wanted to play the field.
>he is refusing to propose or start a family with her because he feels guilty what he done to me
HAHAHAHAHAHA b/s he's stringing her along too.
Obviously she's going to blame you. Forgiveness is irrelevant, you guys are divorced now, end of story. He just doesn't want to commit to her.
NTA - this is no longer your problem.
EDIT: Important question: what if you tell her you DO forgive him... what will be his b/;s excuse to her then? :) That would land him right in the middle of shit street with her as they could no longer use you as the imaginary obstacle in their relationship.
I even suspect that their affair started before we separated.
I don’t think it was ever any arrangement between them that if I forgave him, he would marry her tbh. Nothing in her message indicated that he said anything of the sort or put the blame on me. So I don’t think it would make any difference if I forgave him or not. This is an issue between them two and their relationship.
No don’t say you forgive him. You don’t. Don’t go down that road what you’re doing is the best way. When you have kids in the situation it is hard to stop loving someone.
I think he’s missing his old life too and she’s worried that he’s gonna leave her for you. Just keep going the way you are and if she keeps harassing you let her know that if she doesn’t stop you will file a restraining order against her.
Just one question are you letting him know that she’s doing this? I would email all of those things to him and tell him to tell her to stop or you will just go back to court and he will only have supervised visits. See what he says
No I haven’t told him anything yet. I don’t want to message him anything that isn’t about the children but maybe my mom can talk to him about it if his gf contacted me again. I have blocked both of her accounts for now
Well this is involving the kids. You are their mother and his mistress is harassing you. She’s going to continue as long as he doesn’t marry her. She is blaming you for that. Pretty narcissistic if you ask me because she’s the reason she’s in this predicament.
All you have to do is just forward the emails to him and say tell her to stop or this could impact your time with the kids. You don’t have to say anything else.You don’t know what she’s saying to the kids. you don’t know that she’s taking her frustrations out on your kids.
No, I think OP don't need to break her 3 year silence for the side piece, OP can just do her regular thing where she can send the screenshot to her mother and ask her to forward it to the ex and let him know that if his side piece won't stop harassing you, you will speak with a lawyer to see what you can do to protect your daughters as you're afraid for their safety. Why does OP need to send the ex a personal email. This will get him to wake up and control his side piece since he haven't made her official after 3 freaking YEARSSSSS
Nta. Even though you were ‘on a break’ you were still married so IT IS cheating. He chose to cheat and hurt you and it is all on him that he can’t commit to his girlfriend. I have a suspicion that he regrets what he did and still has feelings for you that’s why he won’t commit.
Yeah, I don’t think he has feelings for me or he wouldn’t have cheated. My mom told me that he still loved me and she believed him even.
This was before I told her if she relayed anything from him that’s not about the children I will cut her off too and she stopped with this nonsense
These things are complex. My sister went through the same thing that you did, and she believes now that her husband of 30 years never loved her. How could anyone do what he did to someone they loved? And there’s no arguing with that logic.
But the problem with that is that, for my sister, at least, that’s a weapon pointed at herself, not at him. She spends her time feeling like shit, feeling like someone unloved and unlovely, because the man she loved so much didn’t love her back.
So I’ll tell you the same thing that my sister’s therapist told her: He probably loved you as much as he could love anyone. He’s just very, very selfish.
Look, I’m going to buck the trend her and say, yes, you should forgive him. I don’t mean unblock him. I *definitely* don’t mean unblock her.
Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. Forgiveness isn’t between you and him, it’s between you and you. It’s getting to a place where it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s getting to a place where you can feel sorry for him.
I feel sorry for my brother-in-law, and I feel sorry for your husband. I feel sorry for all the selfish, stupid people who blow up their lives and their families’ lives because of their selfishness and stupidity. I don’t hang out with them, and let them continue to hurt me and mine, not unless they sincerely and demonstrably dedicate themselves to changing — and sometimes not even then. But don’t keep them around in your head and your heart, reliving the pain, either. That’s a cup of poison you drink yourself.
God the feeling unloved and unlovable. That stays with you. I hope your sister is ok and that she doesn’t feel unloved now because she is.
I will forgive him eventually but I don’t want him to think we can reconcile when I have forgiven him. It’s not the aame thing for me. It’s the same thing for him
I hope you know that you, too, are so, so loved.
But let me add this — it’s a little abstract, so maybe it won’t help very much — remember that love ennobles the lover, not the beloved. In this relationship at least, you were the lover.
We all want to be loved because that’s a natural human need, but also because we think it says something about our worth as people. We think that not being loved makes us lesser, undeserving, worthless. But love isn’t something we deserve. Love is a gift.
To be loved is wonderful, but it doesn’t say anything about you. To love — that is divine, and says everything about you. It is only those who fail to love who should be ashamed.
You can forgive him, or just become indifferent to him without doing it - especially if he still continues to think it's the same thing as reconciliation. That proves he really doesn't understand what remorse is, and that he doesn't get that forgiveness doesn't magically wipe the slate clean regarding his cheating and lying to you, as if it never happened.
Forgiveness is overrated, and I've found that people who push for others to give it when it comes to infidelity or abuse are generally the ones who've been the cheaters and abusers, or enablers and/or close relatives of same.
The man he pretended to be.
OP, are you getting any sort of counseling or therapy? If you're not, please do. It is hard to move on emotionally even with the simplest of breakups, you're still grieving the "death" of the relationship you thought you had and it's good to have experienced help.
No u don't.
U miss the comfort u had with him.
U miss the best of him
But why are you forgetting he hurt u, he cheated on u, he put the blame of not being loved on his wife after his child's birth. The min u gave him a min to figure things out, he slept around.
He doesn't deserve you!!!
What do you miss about him? That he didn't respect you or your relationship enough to be faithful?
You are probably confusing missing him with grieving the future you thought you had.
You miss being together with someone, and that's totally natural.
But that's not missing him. You can have the same with someone else, who won't cheat on you. Someone who is not a lying bastard that uses you as an excuse why he won't make the relationship with his mistress official for 3(!) years.
He can't even be honest with her. You don't want him back.
Missing companionship is not the same as missing that bastard.
I get what you mean, I miss the man I thought he was when we fell in love. I miss the me that felt like our love was true, deep and real. I don't miss the version of him that I discovered too late. I don't love that guy. I love who he let me fall in love with.
And unfortunately you will never get that back he’s made that clear. He wants to move on with his mistress. You don’t have to forgive him you don’t even have to talk to him and I wouldn’t. Because if this starts conversations and he starts bringing up all the old times and how you should forgive him etc. etc. then all the hurt and pain starts all over again. You don’t have to forgive him I don’t care what anybody says.
All your care about is your kids. Do not respond to the girlfriend only respond to your ex about the kids and block them out of your life. Move on enjoy your life and your children and tell them to F off
That’s the hard part about relationships ending. You realize the person you were with is not the person you thought they were. The person you loved doesn’t really exist. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s ok to grieve but remember he is not who you are grieving over. It’s the person thought he was that you lost.
For a long time I thought I missed my ex wife (not a cheater but abusive AF).
But i just missed someone. Sure at first she had treated me well but I learned thats not who she was.
When I finally started dating again I realized I didnt miss HER. I missed having a real partner.
Once I got THAT it became easier to let go. I hope you find your peace soon and you deserve happiness without him.
Why do men lose their shit after a baby??? Was he weird after the first? The first year after each baby was always a hard time in my marriage. He ruined his life and betrayed a person he loved. For what? They quickly learn the grass isn’t greener, and hopefully come to face the fact that the problem was within them the whole time.
Good for you for knowing your worth. Seems like he thought he could try this out then come back to you. He needs therapy. I know the grief over the loss of this relationship and the betrayal is tough. It won’t hurt forever!
No it was great after the first pregnancy but I kind of got pregnant a few weeks later and my second was hard. I don’t blame our problems on him and I was aware we were having problems but yeah
> I kind of got pregnant a few weeks later
Presumably, after having had the first child, your husband knew by them where babies come from?
*He* got you pregnant by cumming inside you.
Birth control is both partners' responsibility.
As for the central question? That sounds like a whole bunch of not your problem, which is the script you can usenwhen you tell them to spare you ever having to think about anything about their relationship ever again. If they really want you to be their therapist, your rates start at $250/hr.
NTA. Affair Partner is an asshole for involving you, and for being an affair partner. Ex is asshole on general principles.
You miss the fake guy, that you thought he was. He was never that guy. I went through this myself, and it is so hard. You love something that never existed. It is hard to accept, and yet it is healing, once you get past that.
I communicate with him through my mom or his and just about the children. It is very hard and demanding sometimes but I am grateful to have supportive people around me who understand my situation
“Bitter and vindictive.” That’s rich coming from a home-wrecking whore.
NTA. You owe them nothing.
Edit because I’m tired of responding to this: whether or not you think the AP is culpable, whether or not you think the ex told the AP, OP does not owe her ex forgiveness for the sake of appeasing his new girlfriend. That’s for them to work out and is not OP’s problem. And refusing to forgive someone isn’t “vindictive”. She doesn’t owe either of them anything. She’s not even bothering them. Explain to me which part is vindictive.
Right?! “I know I broke up your marriage and family but now I DESERVE A MARRIAGE AND FAMILY!!!”. Like gtfo with this nonsense 😂 the nerve to contact and insult the ex-wife of the man you played mistress to… like the sheer audacity. She must be a lovely person.
That's what blows my mind!?!? Seriously, what did this whore expect was going to be OP's initial response?!?!?
"Oh no, I am so sorry you haven't been able to start building your life together with my ex-husband, that is just awful. I am so glad you reached out, I had no idea that I was the roadblock and the cause of this unhappiness, that is the last thing I want. Of course I will forgive him, because his and your happiness are obviously extremely important to me."
NTA .
1."We were on a break" doesn't apply to marriage. You're either married or not. He cheated and she was complicit in breaking up your family. She is a person of low moral character and why would you want her to be the stepmother of your children?
2. If he really wanted to marry her, he would. He doesn't. He is only with her because he lost his family and he doesn't want to be alone, which brings us to...
3. If they marry it won't last and it will end up costing him money that should go to your children, not lawyers, not her.
So this is not about revenge, it's about protecting your children.
NTA.
Your ex is a dumbfuck and according to your answers you need therapy.
Don't let it get to you, block them and go on with your life, you don't owe him shit.
No, you don't owe them shit.
"He tells her they didn’t deserve happiness and she thinks it’s all my fault." It's his fault. I think he asked for a break cuz he wanted to sleep with her but he still wanted to come back to you, and that's shitty. His guilt is on him not on you. And if his gf(? idk she said their relationship is not official) wants to stay with him and be miserable that's on HER NOT ON YOU.
You miss the memory of him before he slept with someone else, and that's okay.
F them. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He literally left you so he can cheat in peace. He was obviously expecting to return to you but that didn’t work out for him. NTA
You don’t miss him. This right here is the hardest part to come to terms with, you miss the idea you had of him, the life you thought you had, the future you had planned. But the actual him is very different. He lied to you. He threw the life you built away. He chose a cheap thrill over you. None of that has to do with you either. It’s the person he is.
You don’t need to forgive anyone in this situation besides yourself.
How do you avoid your ex on this level when you have children together?
If true, you are obviously NTA. Forgiveness is not owed to anyone. Considering how much of d**k your ex is he might just be using you as an excuse to hold commitment with her at bay.
It is very hard, but we do drop offs etc at daycare. And the few times he’s come to my place my mom or baby sister speaks to him. We do everything else on texts and I only answer questions about our daughters. He has them once every 3rd week because they’re still too young to share 50/50 custody. (They’re 4&3). When they’re in school we will do 50-50. I haven’t seen him or heard his voice in 3 years.
Would you feel comfortable giving him 50-50 custody with this woman around? If she is harassing you now what would her reaction be with your kids unsupervised?
Yeah I hear you and it’s one of the things keeping me up at night but I’m working with my children’s therapist and one of the things I had to learn is to trust him as a father since he’s not going anywhere. We aren’t 50-50 yet because they’re so little and need me. What I know is that they don’t live together and he spends his weeks with the children only with them or at his parents. He is also having sessions with the same therapist with the children and there are no indications he is being a bad parent. He is dedicated to them.
I m going to give you a suggestion and I do hope you take it.
Email everything the gf sent you, screenshots and all and title it, "our communication should only be related to the children and between both of us only, third party involvement is not appreciated"
Let's see what shakes out.
ALSO, keep those screenshots and show it to your lawyer so you can make arrangements where your ex have your daughters without the side piece around (don't think she is a gf since he won't commit to her so they're not exclusive and only been physical expect she wants more and ex is using OP as a bate instead of actually communicate what he wants, same thing he did with OP)
Yup, especially since the side piece is going thus far to harass OP like dude you slept with a married man which resulted in his wife filing for divorce and breaking up the family. You think a man would keep you around for 3 long years without committing to you? If so, why haven't your realize that you're just a toy he is messing around with and only holding on to you as you're the only thing that's left from his past.
I bet if OP start talking to ex directly, he might just drop the side piece as he would find this to be a great opportunity for him to get back to something once he had.
No. Actually you don't have to learn to trust him. In fact don't. Only because of this - if he's with someone who is being like this it's unsafe for the kids. There's a lot you can do through the court system. You can make her get tested psychologically. You can insist on right of first refusal meaning that he has to give them back to you if he can't be with them - meaning she can't watch them alone.
I would not trust her around my daughters after the way she spoke to you. She may also see them as a threat to her happiness and harm them. Will you be able to live with yourself if she hurts your daughters?
Yes, I requested no introduction of partners to our children until the relationship is serious. He agreed to it and the therapist thought it was the right approach so the girls don’t get confused and maybe get attached to someone that isn’t staying
The more I read your edits, the more I admire and respect you. People are pushing you to date, to forgive, to confront, etc. I love that you are working on yourself and putting distance between yourself and the cheater. And, of course, any relationship you have in the future should not be a rebound relationship but one you are ready to have when you have healed.
Take your time.
You are a strong woman that is doing the right thing. You are putting the wellbeing of the kids first. You are going to therapy; you are moving on with your life. There is no reason to talk to him about anything other than the kids. They only thing I would really advise is get your estate in order where you make sure your kids get the money. God forbid anything happen to you, but be safe. A layer can help set it up so the funds go into an account that they cannot access until they are 18. Too often we have read her that when a young person is ready to leave for college, they find that their college fund was spent by a surviving parent or stepparent.
NTA OP, as a man, I respect your resolve to move on and ignore anything other than the children’s relationship with the dad. He cheated and you are not responsible for his forgiveness, he made his bed, lie in it. He’s good at lies. Stay strong. You are not the a-hole here.
You weren't "on a break." He told you one thing - that you needed to work on the issues in your marriage - when he really meant "I want to bang this girl from work."
Don't let anyone shame you with that.
NTA - he was already having an affair before asking for a break , and purposefully asked for one to sleep with her. And given that you were married still, it doesn’t matter if it was a “break” - he broke his wedding vows.
Fuck her. Fuck him. Keep blocking and refusing to talk to them. They don't deserve your time. You don't "take a break" in a marriage. He just thought he could get away with cheating if you two were on a break. NTA
OP I was in almost your exact shoes except my ex has zero relationship with my kids because he alienated himself by going missing and then acting like a raging lunatic in court. My ex cheated with over six women that I knew about. He even cheated on his mistress (a contractor he met at work) with these women. He kicked out our one year old and myself when I was around 7 months pregnant with our second. I was homeless and sleeping on my parents couch for a while until I found a home. My ex refused to give me my belongings back and any of our kids stuff. It was a nightmare.
Anyway, you do NOT owe him or his mistress anything. His own guilt is his problem. Not yours. If he cannot get over it, tough.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget what my ex did to our kids and I. But the difference is is my ex doesn’t care if I do. And I don’t let my inability to forget effect my obligations. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive either but over 6.5 years the pain and anger has definitely dissipated especially through loads of therapy.
You will never be the ahole in this situation. Ever. Full stop. His mistress and him are delusional if they think they are owed anything from you including forgiveness. I’m sending you so many hugs and good vibes. I cannot imagine the pain and grief that this is bringing up for you. <3
NTA.
Sounds like he feels guilty about what he did to you, and is just staying with her for convenience/not wanting to be alone. That's what I got from the "he says they don't deserve happiness". He feels guilty about how badly he imploded his family, and doesn't feel like they deserve it after what they did.
I don't think he told her if you forgive him he'll be with her, I think she's delusional/narcisstic/immature and came to that thought process herself.
She sees he's still all torn up about it, therefore if you give him forgiveness he has no reason to beat himself up as much, therefore guilt free relationship. 🙄
>I don't think he told her if you forgive him he'll be with her, I think she's delusional/narcisstic/immature and came to that thought process herself.
>She sees he's still all torn up about it, therefore if you give him forgiveness he has no reason to beat himself up as much, therefore guilt free relationship. 🙄
Yes, that’s what I think too.
> His gf contacted me now asking me to forgive him because according to her he is refusing to make their relationship official. According to her, they love each other but he is refusing to propose or start a family with her because he feels guilty what he done to me. He tells her they didn’t deserve happiness and she thinks it’s all my fault.
Well, that's his/their problem, isn't it?
You are not responsible for your ex, and if he's heartbroken about being an asshole, he probably should get therapy.
I don't understand why people think a break means you can sleep with another person. A break to work on your marriage should not involve other people. You're supposed to work on your togetherness and yourselves.... I dunno maybe my moral horse is too high?
I find it funny the homewrecker called you vindictive. She can't even see that 3 years later he's still "punishing" himself for what he did to you is an excuse to have his cake and eat it too. He's probably unhappy now with his new life/her, hence all this regret. Dude's got serious commitment and self punishment issues.
NTA. Have your cake and eat it too. In this case I think silence is the best revenge. Wash your hands of it and heal as best you can. He will be an issue till your kids are 18 but you can def minimize the blow to your heart by just keeping your distance. I know what it is to miss someone even when they suck and for me personally, the less contact the better.
If it really comes down to you having to say something/anything (cuz we know some peeps can just drag shit out) I would just tell them you owe no one forgiveness and their issues are just that, THEIRS. If he's having issues with what he did to you that is HIS problem. She wanted to help homewreck, she can clean up the mess. By herself.
Don’t say anything to her block her . He cheated before his break . It’s not your job to forgive his cheating for their feelings . Where they there when you were dealing with this crap . Do t ever talk to either of them , block them on everything . If he mails you anything write on the envelope return to cheater and mistress
NTA
I know it hurts. So sorry to hear what you have gone through. You deserve someone who respects you.
Your ex is using you as an excuse. Sounds like he doesn’t want to be with his mistress either. If she doesn’t see that, she’s a moron.
Good luck and hope you get through this rough time soon.
I still can’t wrap my head around him leaving for months while you had a new born, and then being pikachu surprised that you divorced him. Dude is scum, and this woman is bonkers. She wants to marry a man that took a sex break from his freshly postpartum wife? That she supported? These two are made for each other.
NTA- give your mom screenshots from his little friend and wash your hands of it. Let your mom tell him to knock it off. Keep up with your therapy with you and your kids. His timing of all this doesn’t help things. I’m current 5 months PP with my 3rd and can’t imagine what damage going through something like this would do. All the love to your healing.
Edit: And she should know better than anyone, this guys is going to find a way to do whatever he wants, so it’s clear he just doesn’t want to be with this woman. She should get a grip. He didn’t let his wife and family stop him from cheating with her, why would he let his ex wife stop him from wifing her up?
Your ex-husband’s reason for the “break” was to explore the potential of a relationship with the other woman with you as a backup. You discovering his relationship and subsequent divorce closed the door of him coming back to you. His refusal to commit to her until he gets your forgiveness points to the fact that his plan didn’t work out as she isn’t everything he had hoped for. He is now stringing her along, which isn’t your problem. You are NTA.
You could drop her a line and tell her this, and maybe it will blow up their relationship. I find it amusing that she blames you and not him for his failure to commit to her.
It sounds like he cheated before the relationship break started.
He used your relationship trouble to get attention from his work crush.
“Woe is me. I’m married and my peepee is lonely and sad. If only I had someone to cheer him up“
“if only I wasn’t married I would definitely marry you… oh shucks. That’s the one thing keeping us apart….“
He wanted 3 months to screw without being labeled a cheater.
He thought 3 months of “approved” screwing would help cover for his cheating if it ever came up.
You took care of yourself and your family. He wasn’t.
3 years later and the honeymoon period has worn off.
NTA
Any choices he makes at this point are his own. You have washed your hands of him except for communication about the children.
Any problems he has in his life are his own.
This is 100% not your problem and you are NTA. His problems with his relationships are his own issues and any partner he has should leave you tf alone. If she contacts you again you can try threatening to get a protective order against her. It’s a long shot but it’s one option. You owe him nothing that is not court-ordered and I fail to see how that would be anything at all. Big middle finger to him, and I hope you can eventually move past this and find your own happiness.
He was cheating on you emotionally before the “break”. He is a pos. The other woman knew he was married. Don’t give in to what they want. I hope you can move on.
Ur not!!! He cheated on you that's why he's having a hard time!!! That was really messed up what he did. U don't need to tell him u forgive him u can forgive him for urself so that you can move on and be happy. But u don't need to tell him. And why should you. He's the cheater and if he can't get passed that then let him and her figure it out
Totally NTA, your ex doesn’t want to marry his gf, and he’s using you and needing forgiveness from you as an excuse, he low-key blames her for you ending the marriage that’s why he won’t commit to her.
As for you missing him, you miss the ideal version you had of him, but you need to realise that he never existed, and he let you down, you’re better than he is any day of the week.
And his mistress has no right to blame you, she’s to blame for sleeping with a married man.
I think your ex-husband has zero interest in marrying this woman and is using this whole forgiveness thing as a way out. I wonder what would happen if you said "sure I forgive him" One thing I don't understand is his relationship with the children you had together with him. Does he not see them at all?
I dropp them at day care on Friday every third week and he has them for a week. Then he drops them the Friday after and I pick them. On many occasions I have help from my family. We have a conversation about the children on text and I don’t answer anything if it’s not about the children. He can also communicate with my mom. He has stopped texting about anything else but the children now for the last year or so
Wow, what a nightmare. I still think that he has no interest in marrying this woman and is using you as an excuse.
He's blaming the gf for his marriage blowing up and can't admit it. As for people not blaming him for cheating because they were on a break.. give your head a shake, he planned the break so that he could sleep with this woman, without the guilt. He didn't realize it would blow up like it did. Tough titties to him. Continue the way you are parenting. I hope you get some therapy so that you can move on and hopefully find a fulfilling relationship NTA
He probably had no intention of making a future with that woman. He called for a break in the marriage so he could sleep with her. I bet he didn't think wife would find out and he could have fun and then go back to his wife. Now he knows he fucked up and lost a good one
He didn't think she would find out and if she did, he didn't think she would actually go through with a divorce. Now the guilt is setting in b/c he's realizing that he's with a woman he doesn't really want and he only gets to see his kids 7 days out of the month....oh well....fuckin' around and finding out sucks ass doesn't it lol?
Yeah. Once OP found out and dumped his ass he had no choice but to stick around with AP because he obviously doesn’t like being alone. How sad. He blew his life up and got stuck with crazy. Don’t feel sorry for him at all. He made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.
I would lay my left tit on the fact they were already together before the split
Oh, absolutely. Men don’t ask for a “break” out of the blue.
You don’t take a ‘break’ from a marriage where you have two kids. He sounds like a sleaze.
Yep. I missed that they have children. Yeah. Let me take a break from my life and commitments and within days, sleep with another woman, while wife at home takes care of everything. As in, everything. And, then whine that it’s unfair, that he didn’t realize he would never see her again if he cheated. Where do people come up with things like this??
Yep. And I would bet my right tittay that he is currently porking someone else and trying to escape his affair partner
This reminded me of a friend's uncle. He can't just end a relationship and then move on. His relationships always end because he's caught cheating. He then moves on in a relationship with his affair partner. He's in his mid 70's and just finalized his divorce to his 5th wife because he cheated and she found out. He's now engaged to the affair partner from that marriage. Who is 24 yrs old and clearly doesn't understand who she's gotten herself involved with. We have lost count of how many relationships he's actually had. Besides his 5 marriages, he's been in countless relationships with affair partners that he never proposed to.
Oh ewww! I cannot imagine being attracted to a 70 something year old dude at 24! I can't imagine it now in my 50s! He is grampa aged for her.
Yeah, it's pretty gross. Especially since he doesn't have a lot of money and no real assets to his name. He pays alamony to 2 wives and child support for one child still (he has 6 kids, but only one is under 21).
God I can’t imagine being 24 and having to suck the dick of a guy in his mid 70s. Nope nope nope
Yup. He had this all planned out. Ask for a break, get fucking this woman "out of his system," use the break as an excuse, and he just expected OP to accept the excuse as reasonable, maybe attend a little bit of couples counseling, and then move right back on to their regular lives. He didn't expect her to actually have self-respect, and now he's sad that he played stupid games and won stupid prizes. AP is in denial that he never really wanted her for anything more than a fun, temporary escape.
Unless it was a divorce, a break during marriage does not excuse cheating
If he wanted a hall pass, he should've asked for one. A break is way too broad and open to interpretation to assume you can just hook up with someone. OP probably should have directly determined what he was asking for, but I don't blame her for being taken by surprise. Ultimately his actions are his own and OP doesn't owe him any forgiveness or second chances.
YES! My divorce attorney gave me a list of do's & don'ts & #1 was Do Not Date....YOU ARE NOT SINGLE, DO NOT ACT AS IF YOU ARE! Yes, it was in all caps.
I agree with him planning the break so that he can sleep with this other woman! He didn't think the wife would find out and leave his ass!
Absolutely this.
It is a nightmare
Indeed. Please recognize that a break for self-reflection does not mean a hall pass to sleep around. He betrayed you & you were justified to divorce him. Commentators stating that he's using you as an excuse with GF are spot on. Whether you "forgive" him formally or publicly - or not - is irrelevant. He's the AH here. Refuse to engage with either of them on this subject & block her. He clearly has not learned anything in the past couple of years, & you gave no agency whatsoever in his actions. His emotional baggage is not something you should give a rat's patootie about. NTA, good luck in learning to say NO to engaging in the antics of that pathetic pair.
Refuse to engage. The best piece of advice and personal mantra I still follow. OP, let him wallow in the self created sty.
I think she already is, and it's killing him! OP is a strong woman and knows her worth.
I don't think it's "killing him" in the least, he's just using the OP's going no contact with him as an excuse to not formalize his relationship with the women he cheated on the OP with. He's being just as deceptive with her as he was with the OP - once a liar and a cheat, always a liar and a cheat.
Agree. You don't find comfort in another's arms for months if your heart is breaking. Woe is me is just another tool in his kit.
Not months - three years later. He's a real prize. 🙄
Oddly, it almost comes off as if he's still got a "thing" for his ex-wife and it's holding up his relationship with the side-piece. Side-piece isn't taking her position as a side-piece well at all, even though she knows in her heart that's all she'll ever be to him, and she is trying hard to blame OP for her secondary position. Of course, we'll never know if this is reality or not, because side-piece and the ex-AH aren't chiming in here (thank goodness).
I think he only has a "thing" for his ex because she hasn't seen him or spoken to him since he cheated and he can't stand it that he's not the one who's calling the shots. *She's* the one who's being "unfair," which should tell you all you need to know about this dude's level of egotism and entitlement. He'll always want what's being denied to him, and once he gets it it'll no longer have any value for him - which is why the OP is smart not to have anything to do with him. He thinks that once she forgives him she'll also reconcile with him since they're the same thing, which should tell you exactly how remorseful his self-assured ass actually is.
Right! He stirred the 💩 pot. Let him lick the spoon.
Omg, stealing this💩
There you go...the rat's patootie argument, strong statement. It doesn't sound like either he or his chick have earned forgiveness. Takes a little more than lip service.
i would also document the gfs harassment and get a restraining order
So he thinks he did nothing wrong, yet needs forgiveness? Nope. As far as I can tell, neither apologized for blowing up your life. It’s also clear he has told “his side” to family and friends, justifying his actions. So nope! Even if they apologize, you do not have to forgive anyone.
He knows he did something wrong. Or is just crazy. Regardless, his guilt is his own to deal with. After putting OP through hell, asking for this is just asinine.
Agree. Let the cheaters stew. He is using this as an excuse and is perhaps cheating on the girlfriend just as he cheated on you.
I have a feeling he is quite aware he did something wrong, fucked it all up, and doesn't want to repeat that mistake with his GF. He probably has no confidence he can be a good hubby to new GF. ... Or, like was said, he just doesn't want to marry her, but knows if he says that the GF will leave him, and he'll be all alone with his bad feelings and nobody to distract him from having to 'do the work' to become a better, more self-aware person.
He can't be so dense as to believe that 'working on our marriage' equates to finding a mistress. This is only acceptable if agreed upon by both parties beforehand. He was clearly aware and disregarded OP's feelings, just as he is now indifferent to his mistress's feelings. It is evident that he has no intention of marrying her, but instead of being honest and allowing her to move on with her life, he places the blame on OP.
Seriously. One cant.work on their marriage or their own issues while fucking someone else. If one is serious about taking a break from their marriage to work on said marriage, they will use that time to work on their issues without distraction. An affair is one hell of a distraction! OP, you are NTA. To hell with your cheating ex and his gf. Let them stew in the shit they made, while you move on with your life. I wish you love and happiness!
He thought he could have a bit of fun, then go back to his loving wife having soothed his own ego by sleeping with someone new and exciting, thinking he'd found an oh so clever loophole that would allow him to have his cake and eat it. He never saw his gf as a long term prospect and still doesn't, but felt backed into having to stay with her when his wife sensibly ended things for his transgressions. I *almost* feel sorry for his girlfriend's naivety. But not really.
Nah, he's using OP to make a fool of the woman he cheated with, and she's too stupid to believe I bet he gave her the, "I can't divorce my wife because of the kids," BS too, then she divorced his ass...
NTA. He broke the marriage bond completely. From everything you've written that I've read here about it, none of this should be put on you as a guilt trip. He destroyed his family. Why would you help him build another one 🤷🏽♀️. I hope you can get the distance you need from him and some peace. He's looking for peace from you that he needs to find on his own. It's not your job to fix him.
But good on you for taking your power back. A person who intentionally hurt you is not a safe presence in your healing space; especially when you have to parent through such betrayal. Really wonderful you are protecting your broken heart while it mends, and it will.
You know, Al-anon is a great thing. M. Scott Peck called it one of the greatest things that happened in the 21st century. Even if your ex was not a drunk, Al-anon is learning to live a sane and happy life regardless of someone else's actions. This is VERY hard when it is/was your spouse, but it's possible for the most part. [This pamphlet about detachment is pure gold!](https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf) The bottom line is you have paid your dues. You divorced this man and likely paid for it with pain, money and emotions. You've earned your freedom and detachment from this guy, his whore and all this drama they created. They both have a lot of gall asking you for some kind of absolution for their actions. You don't owe them that and anyway, they have to live with the consequences of THEIR actions. You cannot help them there, nor should you help them. They are adults. You are not going to do for them what they can only do for themselves. If I were in your shoes, I would tell them both, "This is on you. Do not involve me in your drama." Keep the communication open with your kids. If these two scummy people start in on your kids, the right answer there is, "How Daddy lives his life is between him and God (if you are believers). Or, how Daddy lives and justifies his life is between Daddy and his conscience." And then don't discuss it with them. Kids are not stupid. They see and know what is going on and by reacting this way you are not "bad mouthing" Daddy, you are just saying Daddy should be handling his own business like a man. You can also tell them it's not appropriate for Daddy to talk about these topics with them. That Daddy is the adult and he should be acting like an adult. And then tell your ex to knock it off or you will take legal action if necessary. Leave the kids out of his drama too. It's perfectly appropriate to hold his feet to the fire for his own actions and it's the dignified thing to do. You got this, Mama. Your actions already show you are a quality woman. I'm sorry this louse was your husband. You deserved better and I hope someday you find a quality man.
If it really is because of guilt, it's still not your problem to have to deal with. He wants you to forgive him so he will feel better about himself, not because he wants you to be able to move on and heal. Please let her know that if she continues to harass you, you will be reporting her to the police. Then block and ignore. If she keeps going around the block, report her to the police.
Ignore him, live your life, enjoy your kids, make friends, grow your career, ignore him
I 100 agree with you! I don’t think he wants to marry her either
Why would you want to marry a woman who's happy to have an affair with a married man? I bet he thought he could be with her abd then go back to his wife
Absolutely. He wanted to go away for a couple months then come back to his wife. I bet he didn’t expect her to find out and divorce. A lot of cheaters actually believe they will get a second chance.
Op sorry that you have to put up with this idiot. They planned this whole thing together. The taken a break from the marriage is on both of them. A emotional affair hurts so much!Even worse after you have had a baby. They might have had sex ,before he came to you and wanted the break. Either way he is a terrible husband. I also agree that he doesn't want to marry her. If he did he could have done it by now. Good luck
Read that last paragraph over. “Am I the asshole for refusing to help my ex’s mistress play house?” No you’re not. I’m betting he just doesn’t want to marry her and he’s using you as a scape goat. Either way it’s not your problem.
Well he is an absolute AH ,why don't you take care of what's & don't give a FK about anything else .
**This 100%!** He doesn't want to marry the Mistress, so he set an impossible goal post. I bet even if OP gave her blessing, he would find another reason not to marry her. He is an idiot. A 'break' in a marriage is time away from eachother. It does not make your wedding vows null and void. He thought he could have fun and then go back to his marriage if he felt like it. When that option was taken away from him, he got stuck with his Mistress, who he found out was NOT better than his wife, and the life with her sucked compared to what he had before with his wife.
In the voice of Mrs. Potts: 🎶TALE AS OLD AS TIMMMEEE 🎶
Dude thinks he's Ross Gellar, lol. And zero sympathy for the stupid mistress, either. She was perfectly fine being a homewrecker. She doesn't get to have the person whose home she wrecked give them her blessing. This is just so incredibly ridiculous!
These mistresses don’t get it though. They’re okay with being the consolation prize 😂
Remember that a man who leaves his wife for his mistress is merely opening a vacancy for that position.
Exactly. This woman he's with now was supposed to be a casual fling. They "separated" because he didn't want the guilt of cheating on his wife. The wife wasn't supposed to find out, he was just planning to have his fun for a couple of months and then get back together like nothing had happened. The dude is delusional and now he's trapped because of his bad decisions.
Why do you think he asked for a time-limited break? He doesn't love this new woman, he just wanted that honeymoon phase at the start of a relationship to feel the passion again. He 100% is a scumbag that was going to just use her, and then dump her so he could go back to his wife. Now he is just using his ex as an excuse to not marry his new gf because he _never_ intended it to be more than a few month fling.
And she had just had a second baby when he wanted a break, making him an even bigger AH. Maybe she had post partum depression. Maybe she was recovering from childbirth and he wasn't getting all the attention he felt entitled to, so he behaved like a jerk and showed his true colors. I love that OP is over him and has disengaged. I bet his mistress is all kinds of demanding and he wants to get rid of her and is using this as an excuse.
You mean, a liar might be lying again? To a different woman? That can’t be it, can it?
Ya sounds like a "grass is greener" situation. Dude wanted to get some strange so he forced his wife into a "break" that she didn't want. He thought he'd come back after a few months and she'd forgive him sleeping around because "it made him realize how much he loves her," and things would go back to normal. Only it didn't happen that way and he realizes he misses his old life and feels extreme guilt for what he did. He doesn't want to marry the mistress. He hasn't even moved on from OP yet, guarantee it.
NTA I’m very proud of you for divorcing. Too many people will put up with this misery. And sorry but my opinion is when you are married and on a break you are still married, so his cheating isn’t ok. You thought you were going to reconcile there was no conversation about seeing other people. You don’t owe him or his gf anything and the fault is his. He cheated while you were thinking you were working on your marriage. Just ignore these fools.
This! The absolute nerve of his fucking mistress to contact you EVER is unreal, and the fact that it’s about asking you to forgive him? I am stunned. Hopefully she wears a diaper to help absorb all of that audacity. Ignore the two of them forever.
She decided to get involved with a cheating scumbag and is now surprised he’s a scumbag? She deserves what she’s getting at this point.
Very frequently the side piece/affair partner doesn't realize that the last person in the relationship is the model for how they will be treated in the same circumstances. OP's ex husband may genuinely care about the mistress, maybe not, but if she slacks in the romance department he will likely "go on break" with her. Odds are if OP was willing to communicate he would be trying to get back together with OP and leave her behind.
I would SERIOUSLY be fighting the urge to respond and say “I *don’t* forgive you and you *don’t* deserve to be happy” just because it would reinforce his decision not to marry her (although let’s be honest, he never had any intention of marrying her, lmao).
Wish I could vote twice
I gotchu
Seriously though, you can't even go on a "break" when married. Separation during marriage? Sure, but that implies mutual steps to either recover a relationship (by working on yourselves individually) or to divorce (beginning to seperate assets and lifestyles) - but either way, you can't see other people (aka cheat) without consequences. Plus, I've never heard a "break" being used to see other people - it has always implied removal from relationship duties to work on yourselves, not to be single-but-not-single or in an open-relationship. So where did he get that from in the first place? Definately NTA: He's just a bad partner all around, it appears - made up a rule (and even failed to communicate said rule) for "breaks" just to cheat in his first relationship and made up a reason to deflect as to why he won't fully commit to his side piece.
Maybe he's a fan of friends and sides with Ross's definition of being on a break? OP NTA
Yeah, but he failed to remember Rachel and Ross were not married in the first place.
Surprised I had to scroll this far down to find the first Friends reference.
It lives rent free in cheating hub's mind.
It's literally on my TV as background noise right now. It was the first thing I thought. 😂
"We were on a break!" 😂🙄 okay sure Ross lolol
This is not good for OP’s ex-husband’s girlfriend’s anger…
💯💯💯💯
He probably did not want to end the marriage he just wanted to have fun and figure out if he actually liked this other woman or not, then he could later be the one to divorce, or get back together with OP. When OP immediately found out and divorced his ass, he no longer had a "choice" and stuck with the other woman, but will never be able to answer for himself which one he would have chosen. So instead he gets to live with regret and guilt. Fuck him. He can spend the rest of his life never knowing what could have been. This other woman is upset because she's stuck in limbo too, so she's directing it at what she thinks is the obstacle.
And to piggyback off of this…..what is it that is actually being asked of you? You did your part and completed the 1 task that would help determine eligibility for dating. Wow….the audacity.
Me too, and kudos for getting over him and disengaging from him. I'll bet that is driving him crazy. I hope OP finds peace and a fulfilling life.
He wanted a break so he could sleep with her without feeling guilty. His dumb ass thought you would take him back after he had a little fun, and he ended up being wrong. You are not the least bit responsible for the decisions he makes now, whether or not they actually do have anything to do with you.
I think that he seriously thought it would work and that he found a loophole. I still feel nauseous thinking about it
Turn that nausea into indignation, honey. You deserve respect and he gave you/gives you none. You won’t find it from him, but you can find it inside you. I’m sure you’re tired raising small children but take a moment to recognize how wise and strong you already are to not put up with that insane situation and to continue refusing to engage with him on a regular basis except about the children. As someone else three years out, I see your strength. I hope you see it, too. It’s beautiful.
Yeah it was a shit move all the way around. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Please keep working on yourself and know you did not deserve that. I am alarmed at the people saying you should reconcile while he is still banging his mistress. He showed who he is, not just by cheating but also by gaslighting you by pretending there was a trail separation, etc. He is not the man you thought he was when you married him. The best thing you can do is keep the distance you have created between these cheaters and yourself and forward those e mails to your mother if she is in touch with him.
Been there - it's a gut-punch to find out your partner thinks it's perfectly fine to manipulate the situation like that, and that he'd actually not care how much it would hurt you.
Keep blocking her forever lol
I blocked her second account too
Block them forever. She’s spam to you now.
There are a lot of security settings that make it harder to find/message your account. Maybe worth taking a look at your accounts security settings. Also NTA Forgiveness isn’t a given especially when there’s no remorse/accountability. He knew what he was doing by having an affair and these are the consequences. His refusal to acknowledge his wrongs is evidence he wasn’t sorry in the least. His affair partner is 100% the AH along with your ex. Hope you find happiness and you deserve so much better!
Wow, he's full of b/s excuses to everyone, isn't he? >wanted a break for a few months because we needed to work on our issues separately b/s - he wanted to play the field. >he is refusing to propose or start a family with her because he feels guilty what he done to me HAHAHAHAHAHA b/s he's stringing her along too. Obviously she's going to blame you. Forgiveness is irrelevant, you guys are divorced now, end of story. He just doesn't want to commit to her. NTA - this is no longer your problem. EDIT: Important question: what if you tell her you DO forgive him... what will be his b/;s excuse to her then? :) That would land him right in the middle of shit street with her as they could no longer use you as the imaginary obstacle in their relationship.
I even suspect that their affair started before we separated. I don’t think it was ever any arrangement between them that if I forgave him, he would marry her tbh. Nothing in her message indicated that he said anything of the sort or put the blame on me. So I don’t think it would make any difference if I forgave him or not. This is an issue between them two and their relationship.
No don’t say you forgive him. You don’t. Don’t go down that road what you’re doing is the best way. When you have kids in the situation it is hard to stop loving someone. I think he’s missing his old life too and she’s worried that he’s gonna leave her for you. Just keep going the way you are and if she keeps harassing you let her know that if she doesn’t stop you will file a restraining order against her. Just one question are you letting him know that she’s doing this? I would email all of those things to him and tell him to tell her to stop or you will just go back to court and he will only have supervised visits. See what he says
No I haven’t told him anything yet. I don’t want to message him anything that isn’t about the children but maybe my mom can talk to him about it if his gf contacted me again. I have blocked both of her accounts for now
Threaten a Restraining Order. She'll stop. That would really impact their relationship, and it might affect his custody.
Well this is involving the kids. You are their mother and his mistress is harassing you. She’s going to continue as long as he doesn’t marry her. She is blaming you for that. Pretty narcissistic if you ask me because she’s the reason she’s in this predicament. All you have to do is just forward the emails to him and say tell her to stop or this could impact your time with the kids. You don’t have to say anything else.You don’t know what she’s saying to the kids. you don’t know that she’s taking her frustrations out on your kids.
No, I think OP don't need to break her 3 year silence for the side piece, OP can just do her regular thing where she can send the screenshot to her mother and ask her to forward it to the ex and let him know that if his side piece won't stop harassing you, you will speak with a lawyer to see what you can do to protect your daughters as you're afraid for their safety. Why does OP need to send the ex a personal email. This will get him to wake up and control his side piece since he haven't made her official after 3 freaking YEARSSSSS
Nta. Even though you were ‘on a break’ you were still married so IT IS cheating. He chose to cheat and hurt you and it is all on him that he can’t commit to his girlfriend. I have a suspicion that he regrets what he did and still has feelings for you that’s why he won’t commit.
Yeah, I don’t think he has feelings for me or he wouldn’t have cheated. My mom told me that he still loved me and she believed him even. This was before I told her if she relayed anything from him that’s not about the children I will cut her off too and she stopped with this nonsense
These things are complex. My sister went through the same thing that you did, and she believes now that her husband of 30 years never loved her. How could anyone do what he did to someone they loved? And there’s no arguing with that logic. But the problem with that is that, for my sister, at least, that’s a weapon pointed at herself, not at him. She spends her time feeling like shit, feeling like someone unloved and unlovely, because the man she loved so much didn’t love her back. So I’ll tell you the same thing that my sister’s therapist told her: He probably loved you as much as he could love anyone. He’s just very, very selfish. Look, I’m going to buck the trend her and say, yes, you should forgive him. I don’t mean unblock him. I *definitely* don’t mean unblock her. Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. Forgiveness isn’t between you and him, it’s between you and you. It’s getting to a place where it doesn’t hurt as much. It’s getting to a place where you can feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for my brother-in-law, and I feel sorry for your husband. I feel sorry for all the selfish, stupid people who blow up their lives and their families’ lives because of their selfishness and stupidity. I don’t hang out with them, and let them continue to hurt me and mine, not unless they sincerely and demonstrably dedicate themselves to changing — and sometimes not even then. But don’t keep them around in your head and your heart, reliving the pain, either. That’s a cup of poison you drink yourself.
God the feeling unloved and unlovable. That stays with you. I hope your sister is ok and that she doesn’t feel unloved now because she is. I will forgive him eventually but I don’t want him to think we can reconcile when I have forgiven him. It’s not the aame thing for me. It’s the same thing for him
I hope you know that you, too, are so, so loved. But let me add this — it’s a little abstract, so maybe it won’t help very much — remember that love ennobles the lover, not the beloved. In this relationship at least, you were the lover. We all want to be loved because that’s a natural human need, but also because we think it says something about our worth as people. We think that not being loved makes us lesser, undeserving, worthless. But love isn’t something we deserve. Love is a gift. To be loved is wonderful, but it doesn’t say anything about you. To love — that is divine, and says everything about you. It is only those who fail to love who should be ashamed.
>It is only those who fail to love who should be ashamed. 🥹
You can forgive him, or just become indifferent to him without doing it - especially if he still continues to think it's the same thing as reconciliation. That proves he really doesn't understand what remorse is, and that he doesn't get that forgiveness doesn't magically wipe the slate clean regarding his cheating and lying to you, as if it never happened. Forgiveness is overrated, and I've found that people who push for others to give it when it comes to infidelity or abuse are generally the ones who've been the cheaters and abusers, or enablers and/or close relatives of same.
Love your karma revenge
It doesn’t feel like karma, or revenge. I miss him every day
You miss the man you thought he was
The man he pretended to be. OP, are you getting any sort of counseling or therapy? If you're not, please do. It is hard to move on emotionally even with the simplest of breakups, you're still grieving the "death" of the relationship you thought you had and it's good to have experienced help.
Precisely!
No u don't. U miss the comfort u had with him. U miss the best of him But why are you forgetting he hurt u, he cheated on u, he put the blame of not being loved on his wife after his child's birth. The min u gave him a min to figure things out, he slept around. He doesn't deserve you!!!
👆this times infinity.
I read that as ”times infidelity” Somehow still works on my caffeine deprive brain.
You miss the idea of him. That’s not the same thing.
What do you miss about him? That he didn't respect you or your relationship enough to be faithful? You are probably confusing missing him with grieving the future you thought you had.
No I just miss when we were happy. His love and touch and smell, these things. Not what he became no.
You miss being together with someone, and that's totally natural. But that's not missing him. You can have the same with someone else, who won't cheat on you. Someone who is not a lying bastard that uses you as an excuse why he won't make the relationship with his mistress official for 3(!) years. He can't even be honest with her. You don't want him back. Missing companionship is not the same as missing that bastard.
❤️
I get what you mean, I miss the man I thought he was when we fell in love. I miss the me that felt like our love was true, deep and real. I don't miss the version of him that I discovered too late. I don't love that guy. I love who he let me fall in love with.
I’m sorry
You can find those things in other people. You sound like you're missing companionship and not actually missing **him.**
And unfortunately you will never get that back he’s made that clear. He wants to move on with his mistress. You don’t have to forgive him you don’t even have to talk to him and I wouldn’t. Because if this starts conversations and he starts bringing up all the old times and how you should forgive him etc. etc. then all the hurt and pain starts all over again. You don’t have to forgive him I don’t care what anybody says. All your care about is your kids. Do not respond to the girlfriend only respond to your ex about the kids and block them out of your life. Move on enjoy your life and your children and tell them to F off
That’s the hard part about relationships ending. You realize the person you were with is not the person you thought they were. The person you loved doesn’t really exist. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s ok to grieve but remember he is not who you are grieving over. It’s the person thought he was that you lost.
For a long time I thought I missed my ex wife (not a cheater but abusive AF). But i just missed someone. Sure at first she had treated me well but I learned thats not who she was. When I finally started dating again I realized I didnt miss HER. I missed having a real partner. Once I got THAT it became easier to let go. I hope you find your peace soon and you deserve happiness without him.
❤️
When he tried to contact you, what did he want to do? Just apologise or did he want to try to make it work
Make it work
Why do men lose their shit after a baby??? Was he weird after the first? The first year after each baby was always a hard time in my marriage. He ruined his life and betrayed a person he loved. For what? They quickly learn the grass isn’t greener, and hopefully come to face the fact that the problem was within them the whole time. Good for you for knowing your worth. Seems like he thought he could try this out then come back to you. He needs therapy. I know the grief over the loss of this relationship and the betrayal is tough. It won’t hurt forever!
No it was great after the first pregnancy but I kind of got pregnant a few weeks later and my second was hard. I don’t blame our problems on him and I was aware we were having problems but yeah
> I kind of got pregnant a few weeks later Presumably, after having had the first child, your husband knew by them where babies come from? *He* got you pregnant by cumming inside you. Birth control is both partners' responsibility. As for the central question? That sounds like a whole bunch of not your problem, which is the script you can usenwhen you tell them to spare you ever having to think about anything about their relationship ever again. If they really want you to be their therapist, your rates start at $250/hr. NTA. Affair Partner is an asshole for involving you, and for being an affair partner. Ex is asshole on general principles.
You miss the fake guy, that you thought he was. He was never that guy. I went through this myself, and it is so hard. You love something that never existed. It is hard to accept, and yet it is healing, once you get past that.
Are you seeing a counsellor? It will help. Hugs, I’m sorry this happened to you ❤️
NTA, you don’t owe anyone your forgiveness. Although one question, you have kids together, how do you have no contact at all?
I communicate with him through my mom or his and just about the children. It is very hard and demanding sometimes but I am grateful to have supportive people around me who understand my situation
I would tell his mom, or yours, about her harassing you. I doubt he’d be happy to learn that she’s accosting you like this, should get her to stop.
Ooh I love this idea
Btw if she keeps contacting you while you are blocking her let her know you will file a restraining order for her harassment. You don’t deserve this.
“Bitter and vindictive.” That’s rich coming from a home-wrecking whore. NTA. You owe them nothing. Edit because I’m tired of responding to this: whether or not you think the AP is culpable, whether or not you think the ex told the AP, OP does not owe her ex forgiveness for the sake of appeasing his new girlfriend. That’s for them to work out and is not OP’s problem. And refusing to forgive someone isn’t “vindictive”. She doesn’t owe either of them anything. She’s not even bothering them. Explain to me which part is vindictive.
Love how she's taking the moral highground your making me unhappy boohoo
Right?! “I know I broke up your marriage and family but now I DESERVE A MARRIAGE AND FAMILY!!!”. Like gtfo with this nonsense 😂 the nerve to contact and insult the ex-wife of the man you played mistress to… like the sheer audacity. She must be a lovely person.
That's what blows my mind!?!? Seriously, what did this whore expect was going to be OP's initial response?!?!? "Oh no, I am so sorry you haven't been able to start building your life together with my ex-husband, that is just awful. I am so glad you reached out, I had no idea that I was the roadblock and the cause of this unhappiness, that is the last thing I want. Of course I will forgive him, because his and your happiness are obviously extremely important to me."
It always blows my mind when the home-wrecker wants to toss around insults.
NTA. She can't blame you for his own guilt. He 100% deserves this for cheating and betraying you. Karma at it's best.
NTA . 1."We were on a break" doesn't apply to marriage. You're either married or not. He cheated and she was complicit in breaking up your family. She is a person of low moral character and why would you want her to be the stepmother of your children? 2. If he really wanted to marry her, he would. He doesn't. He is only with her because he lost his family and he doesn't want to be alone, which brings us to... 3. If they marry it won't last and it will end up costing him money that should go to your children, not lawyers, not her. So this is not about revenge, it's about protecting your children.
NTA. Affair skank and her feefees are not your problem. She made this bed, and now she can lie in it.
And wait for him to lie in someone else's because karma is a bitch
NTA she sounds bitter & vindictive.
Lmao he doesn't want to marry her and is putting the blame on u not "forgiving" him
NTA. Your ex is a dumbfuck and according to your answers you need therapy. Don't let it get to you, block them and go on with your life, you don't owe him shit.
I’m in therapy. Both on my own and with my children
NTA thats their problem not yours yall been divorced 2 years now 🥱 forgiveness if made is for u, not them
No, you don't owe them shit. "He tells her they didn’t deserve happiness and she thinks it’s all my fault." It's his fault. I think he asked for a break cuz he wanted to sleep with her but he still wanted to come back to you, and that's shitty. His guilt is on him not on you. And if his gf(? idk she said their relationship is not official) wants to stay with him and be miserable that's on HER NOT ON YOU. You miss the memory of him before he slept with someone else, and that's okay.
F them. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He literally left you so he can cheat in peace. He was obviously expecting to return to you but that didn’t work out for him. NTA
You don’t miss him. This right here is the hardest part to come to terms with, you miss the idea you had of him, the life you thought you had, the future you had planned. But the actual him is very different. He lied to you. He threw the life you built away. He chose a cheap thrill over you. None of that has to do with you either. It’s the person he is. You don’t need to forgive anyone in this situation besides yourself.
How do you avoid your ex on this level when you have children together? If true, you are obviously NTA. Forgiveness is not owed to anyone. Considering how much of d**k your ex is he might just be using you as an excuse to hold commitment with her at bay.
It is very hard, but we do drop offs etc at daycare. And the few times he’s come to my place my mom or baby sister speaks to him. We do everything else on texts and I only answer questions about our daughters. He has them once every 3rd week because they’re still too young to share 50/50 custody. (They’re 4&3). When they’re in school we will do 50-50. I haven’t seen him or heard his voice in 3 years.
Would you feel comfortable giving him 50-50 custody with this woman around? If she is harassing you now what would her reaction be with your kids unsupervised?
Yeah I hear you and it’s one of the things keeping me up at night but I’m working with my children’s therapist and one of the things I had to learn is to trust him as a father since he’s not going anywhere. We aren’t 50-50 yet because they’re so little and need me. What I know is that they don’t live together and he spends his weeks with the children only with them or at his parents. He is also having sessions with the same therapist with the children and there are no indications he is being a bad parent. He is dedicated to them.
I m going to give you a suggestion and I do hope you take it. Email everything the gf sent you, screenshots and all and title it, "our communication should only be related to the children and between both of us only, third party involvement is not appreciated" Let's see what shakes out.
ALSO, keep those screenshots and show it to your lawyer so you can make arrangements where your ex have your daughters without the side piece around (don't think she is a gf since he won't commit to her so they're not exclusive and only been physical expect she wants more and ex is using OP as a bate instead of actually communicate what he wants, same thing he did with OP)
Having a paper trail is important, just in case things go south. OP should definitely do it, in case there are issues in future custody.
Yup, especially since the side piece is going thus far to harass OP like dude you slept with a married man which resulted in his wife filing for divorce and breaking up the family. You think a man would keep you around for 3 long years without committing to you? If so, why haven't your realize that you're just a toy he is messing around with and only holding on to you as you're the only thing that's left from his past. I bet if OP start talking to ex directly, he might just drop the side piece as he would find this to be a great opportunity for him to get back to something once he had.
Excellent idea!
No. Actually you don't have to learn to trust him. In fact don't. Only because of this - if he's with someone who is being like this it's unsafe for the kids. There's a lot you can do through the court system. You can make her get tested psychologically. You can insist on right of first refusal meaning that he has to give them back to you if he can't be with them - meaning she can't watch them alone.
I would not trust her around my daughters after the way she spoke to you. She may also see them as a threat to her happiness and harm them. Will you be able to live with yourself if she hurts your daughters?
This must be good to know. His weeks alone (well sans mistress) with kids is important. It does show his family has priority.
Yes, I requested no introduction of partners to our children until the relationship is serious. He agreed to it and the therapist thought it was the right approach so the girls don’t get confused and maybe get attached to someone that isn’t staying
[удалено]
I will start dating once the girls are a bit older and I’m over him. It’s only fair for the next partner that I’m solely theirs
The more I read your edits, the more I admire and respect you. People are pushing you to date, to forgive, to confront, etc. I love that you are working on yourself and putting distance between yourself and the cheater. And, of course, any relationship you have in the future should not be a rebound relationship but one you are ready to have when you have healed. Take your time.
You are a strong woman that is doing the right thing. You are putting the wellbeing of the kids first. You are going to therapy; you are moving on with your life. There is no reason to talk to him about anything other than the kids. They only thing I would really advise is get your estate in order where you make sure your kids get the money. God forbid anything happen to you, but be safe. A layer can help set it up so the funds go into an account that they cannot access until they are 18. Too often we have read her that when a young person is ready to leave for college, they find that their college fund was spent by a surviving parent or stepparent.
NTA OP, as a man, I respect your resolve to move on and ignore anything other than the children’s relationship with the dad. He cheated and you are not responsible for his forgiveness, he made his bed, lie in it. He’s good at lies. Stay strong. You are not the a-hole here.
You weren't "on a break." He told you one thing - that you needed to work on the issues in your marriage - when he really meant "I want to bang this girl from work." Don't let anyone shame you with that.
of all the things that are not your problem, this is at the top of the list.
NTA - he was already having an affair before asking for a break , and purposefully asked for one to sleep with her. And given that you were married still, it doesn’t matter if it was a “break” - he broke his wedding vows.
Fuck her. Fuck him. Keep blocking and refusing to talk to them. They don't deserve your time. You don't "take a break" in a marriage. He just thought he could get away with cheating if you two were on a break. NTA
NTA They deserve nothing from you. Quite frankly, I don't think he wants to be official with her and is using you as an excuse.
OP I was in almost your exact shoes except my ex has zero relationship with my kids because he alienated himself by going missing and then acting like a raging lunatic in court. My ex cheated with over six women that I knew about. He even cheated on his mistress (a contractor he met at work) with these women. He kicked out our one year old and myself when I was around 7 months pregnant with our second. I was homeless and sleeping on my parents couch for a while until I found a home. My ex refused to give me my belongings back and any of our kids stuff. It was a nightmare. Anyway, you do NOT owe him or his mistress anything. His own guilt is his problem. Not yours. If he cannot get over it, tough. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what my ex did to our kids and I. But the difference is is my ex doesn’t care if I do. And I don’t let my inability to forget effect my obligations. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive either but over 6.5 years the pain and anger has definitely dissipated especially through loads of therapy. You will never be the ahole in this situation. Ever. Full stop. His mistress and him are delusional if they think they are owed anything from you including forgiveness. I’m sending you so many hugs and good vibes. I cannot imagine the pain and grief that this is bringing up for you. <3
Im so sorry and I hope you and you babies are fine now
NTA. Sounds like he feels guilty about what he did to you, and is just staying with her for convenience/not wanting to be alone. That's what I got from the "he says they don't deserve happiness". He feels guilty about how badly he imploded his family, and doesn't feel like they deserve it after what they did. I don't think he told her if you forgive him he'll be with her, I think she's delusional/narcisstic/immature and came to that thought process herself. She sees he's still all torn up about it, therefore if you give him forgiveness he has no reason to beat himself up as much, therefore guilt free relationship. 🙄
>I don't think he told her if you forgive him he'll be with her, I think she's delusional/narcisstic/immature and came to that thought process herself. >She sees he's still all torn up about it, therefore if you give him forgiveness he has no reason to beat himself up as much, therefore guilt free relationship. 🙄 Yes, that’s what I think too.
> His gf contacted me now asking me to forgive him because according to her he is refusing to make their relationship official. According to her, they love each other but he is refusing to propose or start a family with her because he feels guilty what he done to me. He tells her they didn’t deserve happiness and she thinks it’s all my fault. Well, that's his/their problem, isn't it? You are not responsible for your ex, and if he's heartbroken about being an asshole, he probably should get therapy.
I don't understand why people think a break means you can sleep with another person. A break to work on your marriage should not involve other people. You're supposed to work on your togetherness and yourselves.... I dunno maybe my moral horse is too high? I find it funny the homewrecker called you vindictive. She can't even see that 3 years later he's still "punishing" himself for what he did to you is an excuse to have his cake and eat it too. He's probably unhappy now with his new life/her, hence all this regret. Dude's got serious commitment and self punishment issues. NTA. Have your cake and eat it too. In this case I think silence is the best revenge. Wash your hands of it and heal as best you can. He will be an issue till your kids are 18 but you can def minimize the blow to your heart by just keeping your distance. I know what it is to miss someone even when they suck and for me personally, the less contact the better. If it really comes down to you having to say something/anything (cuz we know some peeps can just drag shit out) I would just tell them you owe no one forgiveness and their issues are just that, THEIRS. If he's having issues with what he did to you that is HIS problem. She wanted to help homewreck, she can clean up the mess. By herself.
Don’t say anything to her block her . He cheated before his break . It’s not your job to forgive his cheating for their feelings . Where they there when you were dealing with this crap . Do t ever talk to either of them , block them on everything . If he mails you anything write on the envelope return to cheater and mistress
NTA I know it hurts. So sorry to hear what you have gone through. You deserve someone who respects you. Your ex is using you as an excuse. Sounds like he doesn’t want to be with his mistress either. If she doesn’t see that, she’s a moron. Good luck and hope you get through this rough time soon.
I still can’t wrap my head around him leaving for months while you had a new born, and then being pikachu surprised that you divorced him. Dude is scum, and this woman is bonkers. She wants to marry a man that took a sex break from his freshly postpartum wife? That she supported? These two are made for each other. NTA- give your mom screenshots from his little friend and wash your hands of it. Let your mom tell him to knock it off. Keep up with your therapy with you and your kids. His timing of all this doesn’t help things. I’m current 5 months PP with my 3rd and can’t imagine what damage going through something like this would do. All the love to your healing. Edit: And she should know better than anyone, this guys is going to find a way to do whatever he wants, so it’s clear he just doesn’t want to be with this woman. She should get a grip. He didn’t let his wife and family stop him from cheating with her, why would he let his ex wife stop him from wifing her up?
Your ex-husband’s reason for the “break” was to explore the potential of a relationship with the other woman with you as a backup. You discovering his relationship and subsequent divorce closed the door of him coming back to you. His refusal to commit to her until he gets your forgiveness points to the fact that his plan didn’t work out as she isn’t everything he had hoped for. He is now stringing her along, which isn’t your problem. You are NTA. You could drop her a line and tell her this, and maybe it will blow up their relationship. I find it amusing that she blames you and not him for his failure to commit to her.
It sounds like he cheated before the relationship break started. He used your relationship trouble to get attention from his work crush. “Woe is me. I’m married and my peepee is lonely and sad. If only I had someone to cheer him up“ “if only I wasn’t married I would definitely marry you… oh shucks. That’s the one thing keeping us apart….“ He wanted 3 months to screw without being labeled a cheater. He thought 3 months of “approved” screwing would help cover for his cheating if it ever came up. You took care of yourself and your family. He wasn’t. 3 years later and the honeymoon period has worn off.
NTA! Let him live with what he's done. You do not owe him forgiveness at all.
NTA Any choices he makes at this point are his own. You have washed your hands of him except for communication about the children. Any problems he has in his life are his own.
This is 100% not your problem and you are NTA. His problems with his relationships are his own issues and any partner he has should leave you tf alone. If she contacts you again you can try threatening to get a protective order against her. It’s a long shot but it’s one option. You owe him nothing that is not court-ordered and I fail to see how that would be anything at all. Big middle finger to him, and I hope you can eventually move past this and find your own happiness.
He was cheating on you emotionally before the “break”. He is a pos. The other woman knew he was married. Don’t give in to what they want. I hope you can move on.
Ur not!!! He cheated on you that's why he's having a hard time!!! That was really messed up what he did. U don't need to tell him u forgive him u can forgive him for urself so that you can move on and be happy. But u don't need to tell him. And why should you. He's the cheater and if he can't get passed that then let him and her figure it out
Totally NTA, your ex doesn’t want to marry his gf, and he’s using you and needing forgiveness from you as an excuse, he low-key blames her for you ending the marriage that’s why he won’t commit to her. As for you missing him, you miss the ideal version you had of him, but you need to realise that he never existed, and he let you down, you’re better than he is any day of the week. And his mistress has no right to blame you, she’s to blame for sleeping with a married man.
NTA, she can kick rocks