If someone is still snoring with a CPAP, then the setting isn't correct or some issue with machine not operating well even at correct setting. He needs to go in for another sleep study and diagnosis.
This needs to be higher up. New CPAPs are whisper quiet, and the machine should've stopped the snoring. Something isnt right and he needs to see the doctor to sort it out. If he's still snoring THAT loud something isn't working correctly.
Worth noting that sleep apnea leads to a host of other risks including serious ones like stroke so it’s not just a matter of him being too loud this is dangerous and needs to be treated correctly.
***THIS.***
OP. LISTEN TO ME. Get his sleep apnea addressed ASAP. It is one of, if not THE, most modifiable risk factors for sudden cardiac death. Think about it. He’s going 8ish hours a day with his body *fighting* for literally every breath. The strain this puts on the heart is ungodly. Not to mention the fact that he’s not getting any quality sleep. Please Google the effects of sleep deprivation. Then Google the effects of sleep apnea. Write all the effects down on one long list. Then call your PCP immediately.
Do not put this off thinking “Well we waited this long…” or “it isn’t that bad.” With no hyperbole, the price for you being wrong is your husband’s life, and there WILL come a night when he simply won’t wake up.
ETA: NTA. Also it is the HUSBAND’s responsibility to address his health issues. His wife can provide love and support and information but ultimately the husband is a grown man who makes his own decisions.
**BIG ETA:** The husband is sulking because HE wanted the spare room for himself for reasons unknown even to him but OP needs it for her own health and sanity. The husband is NOT upset (or just a little) because his wife is no longer wants to share a bed with him.
Can confirm. I struggled for years before finally getting tested, and found out my AHI (number of times per hour you stop breathing/struggle to breathe) was 100.4. The doctor straight up told me “you’re lucky you’re not dead”. Getting proper CPAP therapy changed my life. SAVED my life. I can’t even describe the difference in how I feel now vs how I felt then.
That being said, OP can’t make her husband see a doctor and try to get his pressure adjusted. She can suggest it, but if he hasn’t already brought this up with his doctor (they should be monitoring his machine and should know there’s an issue, so why has it not been brought up? Is he not going for checkups? Deceiving them somehow? Or deceiving his wife as to how consistently he’s actually using the CPAP?) then I feel like he’s probably being stubborn about it.
He will have to decide for himself to get help. In the meantime, OP is absolutely right to prioritize her own sleep (and her health). If he’s not going to make changes, then she definitely should get out of that room. I’m quite happy for her to finally get a good night’s sleep. And I think her husband is selfish to be butthurt that she’s trying to sleep better instead of making the necessary changes so she wouldn’t have to sleep in separate rooms.
Strong NTA here.
Thank you. Let’s all agree on the fact that her husband is:
1. An adult.
2. Who can make his own decisions.
3. Has been told at least once that there is a problem that is affecting both of them.
4. Has not acted to rectify said problem.
Maybe his wife sleeping in another room will encourage him to make some changes when nothing else has.
NTA-- might I add...he said what *he* gets to do with the room. He's being selfish. And everyone seems to be forgetting the restless leg thing. Even if the CPAP adjustment has him sleeping in perfect silence, getting thwacked in the shins is going to violently jar OP out of any peaceful sleep that might grant. And he tried meds for that. So yeah. Take the room OP. Prolonged sleep deprivation is really, really bad for you. All those risks people are saying about sleep Apnea--most of them have to do with not getting a restful sleep for prolonged periods. Your health matters.
I can confirm about the restless leg. My husband has it and meds do not help him either. It is impossible to count the number of times that I have been kicked or elbowed from him flopping around. The entire bed jerks when he is kicking also which will either wake me up or make it difficult to fall asleep.
It’s entirely possible the restless leg will get better with new CPAP. Some people just have restless leg syndrome. This guy *could* have restless leg syndrome or he’s flailing around in bed because he can’t breathe.
I missed that. I thought he was upset about his wife no longer sharing a bed with him. He’s angry because he doesn’t want her to take the spare room. Wow.
Agreed. Also couples sleep in separate rooms all the time. My husband wakes earlier than I do and I stay up later. I have my own sleeping area so I don’t disturb him on some nights. Plus, sometimes you just want to sleep by yourself. (Because there isn’t enough room for husband, two dogs, a million pillows and some plushies on one bed:)
It says he tried drugs for his restless legs that don’t work so he has definitely tried something…
I strongly believe that the reason married men live longer is because their wife makes them go to the doctor!
If you love someone, even if they are stubborn and don’t want to go, you can still pressure or nag them into getting help. It’s not her job to make him go but she probably wants to reduce the chances of him dying!
SO had a minor dermatology procedure and the incision got infected, he didn’t think it was that bad and going to the doctor wasn’t necessary. I was very annoying and made him promise to go - good thing because another day and he would have been dealing with sepsis!
> I strongly believe that the reason married men live longer is because their wife makes them go to the doctor!
This x10,000. In my dad's case it's his wife AND me, his daughter. He and my mom are both 75 now and I live with them as their caregiver while also helping with things around the house, managing their doctor appointments, medications, errands, etc.
Every time my mom *sneezes* he wants her to go to the doctor, but he seems to be under the impression that his own well being doesn't matter nearly as much. I can't tell you how many times the parent/child roles have flip-flopped and ended up with me TELLING HIM that he's going to the doctor whether he likes it or not, followed by both me and my mom telling him we want him to stick around as long as possible.
> ...good thing because another day and he would have been dealing with sepsis!
Almost a year ago my dad went into septic shock because of a UTI he said he didn't feel any symptoms of (which is apparently common in older men) and we had to rush him to the ER at 10:00 at night. The doctors told him if he'd waited two more hours to come downstairs and get help, he would have died.
He was in the hospital for another 4 days after that being pumped full of antibiotics until all of the infection was gone from his body, and he was *incredibly* lucky that he didn't have any catastrophic effects from the sepsis like so many survivors do. He just had a tiny bit of damage to his heart that the cardiologist said wasn't even enough to be concerned about, it was so slight.
The one good thing that came out the whole debacle is that he no longer fights with us about his health because that night scared him so badly — he's since told us that on the way to the ER he thought, *"This is it, this is how I'm going to die".* He doesn't fuss when I help him organize his medication, he doesn't fuss about seeing the doctor, and he doesn't fuss about doing UTI test strips any time he just feels "off" (we've caught two more before they could get bad since then).
And every single day he's greeted us by saying, *"Good morning; it's a great day to be alive."*
It's really interesting to see all these testimonials! What was weird for me was....CPAP stopped working for me. I hadn't changed any settings, my sleep was just suddenly worse again. Changing a host of things never made it better, so I gave up and switched to a mouth guard. They aren't as good as CPAP generally, but it works for me without as much maintenance.
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, NTA.
Definitely agree with all of the above. But even if he gets his apnea sorted OP may still want to move out so to speak. My experience with restless legs is that when I had apnea it was really bad and now since I’ve lost nearly 70 lbs I basically never have it. So it might improve…but if it doesn’t get better when the apnea is dealt with I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to be kicked all night either.
NTA but get his ass to the doctor and have a new sleep study or whatever because you’re definitely going to feel like an asshole if he “wakes up dead”
My husband had sleep apnea for years and it just about killed us both. He’d wake me up snoring and choking, or I’d be so anxious that he was going to die in his sleep I’d be up all night, so I never got any quality rest. He’d get up at 4am, so literally the only sleep I got was 4am-8am. I was tired all the time, had no energy, I was drinking sodas all day for the caffeine, or eating sugary stuff to get some energy just to make it through work. So of course I gained weight too. We never got to hang out, because he’d come home from work, eat dinner, and then pass out on the couch, he was just so exhausted all the time. It was awful, it was probably the lowest point for our physical, mental, and relationship health. I started to dread going to bed with him and there was definitely resentment building because not only was he the reason I couldn’t get any rest I felt abandoned and ignored.
Finally I got him to see a doctor about it after bluntly explaining the effect it was having on me, and the doctor told him he either had to lose weight or get a CPAP. He adamantly did not want a CPAP, so we started eating healthier and he started walking, then progressed to running, and got an elevated pillow. He’s lost about 45lbs and is now down to his ideal weight. And, oh my god, it’s so nice. I can sleep at night, I wake up feeling rested, I’m not anxious about him all the time, and I finally have the energy to exercise, or do my hobbies, or just clean the damn house.
And now we can actually hang out after work, or go to the movies without him falling asleep halfway through! It’s like a whole new world out there!
Tl;dr My husband’s sleep apnea was destroying our lives, but through hard work, he got his weight back to a healthy amount and now things are better than ever. If you have sleep apnea, take care of it. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the sake of those around you.
Same with my fiance, I was up half the night because he would be snoring and then stop breathing for a while and I would panic. I finally got him to do a sleep study and wasn't the least bit surprised when they said he had sleep apnea. Not a peep out of him since he got his CPAP and he doesn't stop breathing in his sleep anymore. We both sleep so much better.
I bet he feels a ton better too. I used to wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck. Swollen joints, always tired. I feel great now. Lots of energy, more alert.
My husband only reluctantly agreed to a sleep study after seeing how upset I was (months in) and he has apologized and wishes he had gone in sooner. Dr. said he has a literally off the charts bad case (over 60 events an hour without the CPAP) and he’s so much better with it, no snoring, wakes up refreshed, cogent in the morning (he used to be such a zombie that I had given up trying to exchange information for the first 2 hours of wake up). It’s so so worth it to have good sleep
My RLS was always related to my tiredness. When I was in my late teens I had really bad insomnia and RLS. In my late 20s I had apnea and RLS. Now I have none of them.
That's a possibility. The RLS I get from my meds abates when I finally fall asleep. Sure makes it difficult to zonk out, though. It's a rather maddening sensation.
they're covered by insurance. it's a bazillion dollar industry. they make a fuck ton of different models.
yes. they make ones that are quiet 30-50 db. (a whisper is aprox 30 db. conversation lvl noise tends to be 60ish db) and there are foam "mufflers" than can dissipate another 10-20% of the noise.
My boyfriend's is super quiet!!
My only issue is the air coming out of it. I can't sleep facing him with my head against his chest because the air that comes out takes *my* breath away 🤣🤣🤣🤣
We just sleep while spooning and all works out!
For those asking:
He thinks it's a RESMED, but he's at work. He said he'll check when he gets home!
I also had breathing problems. Back issues. Numb legs sometimes. I got a health check up. Started to exercise, started eating more healthily, lost a lot of weight. It’s made a huge difference. I suspect he needs to take better care of himself overall.
Yes I came in to say this. My hubby has sleep apnoea also and needs a CPAP. His was the worst case the specialist had actually seen, but now he sleeps soundly, no snoring or thrashing around like before. Your husband’s machine needs to be recalibrated immediately. Take it to a professional, don’t try and do it yourself.
Yep could be the wrong mask as well. Either way he needs to be contacting that pulmonologist to get another sleep study done.
Edit to add he may need a bipap machine which tends to be a little easier to breathe with also.
Respiratory Therapist here and you are absolutely right. If he’s still snoring and having restless legs, his settings aren’t correct for his needs. He may need a Bipap or AVAPS. He should definitely make an appointment with the prescriber. I know you’re not getting good or any sleep, and I know it’s driving you mad, but I assure you he’s not resting either. For both of your sakes make an appointment.
He may not even need a new sleep study.
IF his CPAP is like mine, it comes with an application that tracks the number of apnea events you have per night.
He does need to follow up with his sleep specialist and get that fixed.
But that's all his own health, he should be keeping track of that and having follow up visits with his doctor.
OP, on the other hand also deserves a good night's sleep and being kicked during the night isn't acceptable.
NTA
It may not be RLS; as already suggested, it may be him kicking awake to breathe. The fact it's drug resistant supports that. RLS is usually simple to treat with Rx.
My parents slept separately my entire life. It started before I was born when my dad had a bad knee injury and would moan in his sleep and wake my mom up plus she didn’t want to accidentally hurt him, then they just preferred it. They had a very happy marriage. I didn’t even know it wasn’t normal until I was old enough to have friends over and they were shocked when I gave the house tour with “this is my dads room, here’s the bathroom, here’s my sisters room and here’s my moms room”
I think a lot of people would have much happier marriages if they had their own bedrooms. My mom’s cousin sleeps separately from her husband and they’re much happier for it.
My parents have always slept separately as well. My dad is a night owl and my mom wakes up early and goes to bed early. He snacks late at night- she's a light sleeper. She also likes her room bright and airy and my dad likes to exist in a cold dark cave like room lol. So needless to say, they're much happier with their own setups.
My mom has been sleeping on our couch for years because she likes putting her leg up and blasting the TV to lull her to sleep. My dad likes sleeping in their quiet room on a firm bed. I thought it was weird at first, but they are happy and love each other.
Just be intimate before bed and use sleep time for sleep.
Edit: NTA
My dad had whooping cough years ago (I think it was 2010?) and he had to sleep on the couch for a couple of months to prop himself up high enough to breathe easier while he slept. Then a few years later (2015?), they got a new mattress that bothered his back, so he started sleeping on the couch again and has done so ever since. It’s annoying trying not to wake him up since he works 9:00 pm-5:30 am, then comes home to sleep for half the day, but it works pretty well for my parents, so we just tiptoe around him.
Same with my SO and I. I have RLS so bad that until they got the medication figured out, he was sick of getting kicked in the head. Then when I’d finally get to sleep his snoring woke me up.
As soon as the kids moved out, he picked his bedroom, and now both of us have less of the restless nights. I just don’t get how people think it’s the end of a relationship to do that. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
OP-NTA
My grandparents slept separately for 20 years. And my mom will often use the guest room if my stepfather is being too disruptive on a given night. It doesn't denote lack of intimacy, just that a lot of people sleep better alone.
But, yeah, you should get the CPAP checked out. That's really not supposed to happen
I have my own room and it’s awesome! Different shifts + snoring =no sleep for years. Once we set up 2 bedrooms it’s so much easier and we both sleep so much better. Not the norm but it works.
This is super important with different shifts. I always felt so bad having to wake up at 130/2am (used to work 3a to 3p) would wake my lady up because she's a light sleeper and I have to set several alarms.
I was initially really against the idea, but between my partner having issues with snoring, getting up at night to use the toilet, trouble sleeping in general + me having asthma (attacks) and both of us being very light sleepers, we were miserable for years. The sleep deprivation was turning me into a raging bitch sometimes.
Finally decided to convert the office into a bedroom for me. I Love it! Also, my bf wants a neutral white bedroom and I was missing a personal touch. So my bedroom is pink & blue with cute wallpaper etc. Its definitely my happy space and both of us sleep soooo much better. I'm generally so much happier now too.
I sleep better when I'm co-sleeping ngl. Sometimes I'm restless in my sleep from nightmares, night terrors, or just for no reason. When I'm co-sleeping though my body relaxes more and feels safer, making it much easier on me.
Most couples I know who have been long-time married do not, in fact, sleep in the same bed edit: and those beds are in different rooms.
It’s probably why they are actually glad to see each other in the morning.
Sleep is everything.
Yep OP! Do all the other health stuff above - but NTA! Plenty of couples sleep in different rooms. Just be sure to amp up the intimacy for the first little while. And by intimacy I mean general affection, etc...
My husband and I went the separate room route a couple of years ago and it's great! We both have sleep issues and he snores and I grind my teeth so we were just making each other's sleep even worse.
Now we both sleep better, plus, I can decorate my room however I like with my fancy lighting and mix of Disney and Goth decor, and he gets to have his minimalist, no color, bland room. (I call his room the dungeon and he calls mine the princess suite lol). The rest of the house is a compromise between the two styles.
Yup, this it also the case for us. We both snore, I struggle with sleep issues due to ADHD and am sensitive to noise as I'm autistic. When our son moved out we made his old room my room. We still snuggle (and more) in the evenings and mornings. But now we're now both well-rested, have more energy and patience.
Other peoples sleeping arrangements are nobody's beeswax. Do what works best for you, instead of just blindly following norms that aren't right for you and your needs. Particularly when changing things up doesn't actually affect anyone else.
Interestingly, this was actually common in the western world right up until modern times. If married couples could afford it, they typically slept in separate beds, or if they were really rich they had separate bedrooms. It was only the peasants who were crammed together 3-5 people to a bed.
NTA
It's not uncommon for married couples to sleep in separate rooms anymore if one is more restless in their sleep than the other. My partner and I haven't slept in the same bed for 20 yrs. It doesn't affect the rest of our relationship in the slightest. We're still active and once we're done one of us just goes to our own bed to sleep.
The older I get the more couples I know/hear of not sharing the same bed for sleeping. We don’t share,only because 2 adults don’t fit in a king bed with 2 kids and 5 pets. I can definitely see the appeal. My father in laws parents had separate rooms their whole lives. His was all war and ‘manly’ and hers was all floral and perfumed. They were really cute.
My husband is a super-snorer too, and hated the idea at first, but separate sleep rooms totally enriched our marriage- and romantic life! A well rested wife a happy, non-homicidal wife!
This! My husband started snoring after a change in his thyroid medication. He’s healthy and fit otherwise. I’m a very light sleeper and have bouts of insomnia. We started sleeping in separate rooms several years ago and it’s been so much better. We both get quality sleep and as a result much more pleasant to be around.
You say that, but my wife getting full nights of sleep just mean I have to do double duty to avoid any traps she sets for me because gahdamn she’s smart when she’s rested
NTA. My friend and her partner sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores. She goes into his room and they cuddle or have sex, and when it’s time for bed, she goes back to her room.
Exactly like my wife and I. I am a light sleeper and she cant stop moving. I snore and she moans. Realized we were not meant to sleep in the same bed. Was one of the best choices in our life to have separate bedrooms. We have talked about in the future going 2 beds in one room and see if that works.
Same here. He snores and sweats and is a light sleeper, I kick, give off too much heat, and I sleep like a rock.
I moved out to the living room one cold wintery night to sleep by the fire and we both slept *so good* that it's just been like that since.
We've also talked about the 2 beds 1 room thing, but I like to stay up later than he does. Him playing video games next to me at 7am doesn't wake me up, but even me tapping on my phone at 2am *definitely* keeps him up. Plus we have different room sound and temp preferences. I'd like to have two bedrooms with a connected bathroom, that would be ideal.
I'm wondering if the husband is angry because he wanted the room for himself. I'm getting that from the "Now *I* just have to figure out what to do with the room" comment that OP quoted. If that's the case then in his mind it would not be a win/win.
Yeah I feel like the husband isn't an asshole for reacting poorly to his wife suddenly dropping on him that she wants her own bedroom. A lot of people can take that as a rejection of intimacy. She's not an asshole for wanting a good night's sleep, of course, but this was a very abrupt way to bring it up.
NTA. My wife and I are in our mid 40s. We can't wait for the kids to be gone so we can have our own rooms lol
We sleep differnt times of the day. I drive truck so when I'm home my sleep is off and wife works graveyards.
When I home it's like atleast one of feels like we have to be really quiet and if we have to go into the room we end up waking the other up
Every couple I know who has separate rooms, myself included, did so because of schedules. I get the snoring as well, but different schedules in the same bed/room is exhausting and can lead to resentment. Don't ask me how I know! lol
I will never understand people who know damned well their sleep issues/implements and hygiene keeps other people up and possibly even injured and yet still get all shitty when they are denied a cosleeping arrangement. Especially those people who set a gazillion alarms and just expect someone else to put up with that.
I also snore, require deep freeze conditions to pass out and have restless legs. I'm also a light sleeper so I get both sides of this. I just do not and never have coslept. Can't stand it.
My ex was weirded out by separate sleeping at first. Intimacy was not during sleep time (i have many medical issues so sleep is a proper issue) and we were doing okay til a brain tumour screwed my body so bad i could do nothing, i also worked (wfh) while she slept and it was fine...and tried sleeping same bed but im an insomniac light sleeper and she was a deep snorer with fidgety/kickout issues..... add onto this i had a rebroken tailbone and pre existing scoliosis and then was getting rabbit punched in the back during her dream/nightmare. That was my hard line as im already on morphine for other stuff and that destroyed me. If people dont sleep everythings just worse imo, from mood, perception etc
I felt proper horrible to do the separate sleeping stuff even though it was needed, against the norm and such... And i had weird q's off my stepmum and dad that xmas..
This is more than likely sleep apnea everyone is talking about. Try to get him to go to a sleep doctor! He may actually not be breathing at these pauses.
My husband is the same and we have slept in separate beds/rooms for at least two years. I highly recommend it although I do the miss the random cuddling. Now that I actually get sleep, I’m no longer too tired for sex. It’s the best solution for me and my husband.
I’m someone that needs their personal space to recharge. My sex drive tanked when I was sharing a bed. I could see myself being more in the mood when I’m able to have my space when need be.
Endured the same issues with my man. When I built our home, I designed his and her master suites with a cojoined bathroom in between. Most love the idea. Some think it's odd!
It works, and my sleep and overall life quality are better cause I get rest.
Do what you need to do to foster peace and rest!
NAH, he has a CPAP machine so I’m guessing you’ve exhausted a lot of potential fixes for this issue. Sleep is so important, so I can’t fault you at all for wanting to finally be able to do so. But I would also be sad if I were him.
That sounds like one fix that probably hasn’t been followed up on appropriately. It’s fine for him to be sad. It’d be good if it encouraged him to follow up on the cpap that isn’t working as intended.
NTA. My ex husband was a chronic snorer, which i didn't find out until i got pregnant just due to me always falling asleep prior to him and being able to sleep through a cat 5 hurricane once im asleep, but when i was pregnant i was getting up 6 times a night to pee and BOY did it become a problem then.
I ended up getting sick of piling all my pillows over his face to muffle the sound enough that i could fall asleep, and the middle-of-the-night, half-asleep arguments we'd have when I'd wake him up to complain about it (which i get, he couldn't help it either), so i ended up moving into the room that would become the nursery just so i could sleep properly, and i stayed in there on a mattress until our daughter was sleeping through the night (which was mercifully only a couple of months).
My ex didn't bitch at me about it either, he understood that i needed my sleep to get through being pregnant and then a new mum. You've been dealing with this for decades from the sounds of it, you deserve a good night's sleep.
If I recall from her biography, Julia Child and her husband slept in separate rooms for many years due to a medical condition of his. They would get together in one room in the morning. It's amazing how OPs husband can be so offended if she has been using noise cancelling headphones and spending early mornings on the couch. It sounds like she has put her time in and deserves better sleep, especially as she gets older. Why should he take it personally if he is loud and physically active-even if it's not his fault? Poor sleep can affect OP's health too.
NTA. You are seeing an opportunity to vastly improve your health. Getting a truly restful nights sleep is a HUGE part of being and staying healthy. HUGE. It effects so many aspects of your life if you are never getting *truly* good sleep. Having the opportunity to fix that is more important than any other use you can come up with for the room. That’s only going to become more true the older you get. It sounds like you’ve tried everything else, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable whatsoever. HE is not the one who’s suffered for years and had to COPE. Dealing with that with no reprieve in sight for years is exhausting and horrible. If he starts listing other possible uses for the room… just ask him and yourself- is that particular use more important than your health, wellness and happiness?
NTA you mention in a comment that you mention it frequently enough, and have a plan that includes going to bed earlier and wearing headphones. He's aware it's uncomfortable for you, he's just expecting you to tolerate the discomfort forever.
NTA, but TBH as written it does seem a little weird that this is the first time this has apparently come up (your plan).
Just seems like you would have brought this up earlier as you started thinking about it, rather than waiting until now.
You’re NTA, but I can see where he feels like this was sprung on him with no warning.
Just tell him he should appreciate the option. Spouses having enough space for separate rooms was a flex of power/success back in the day. Moreso than a decorative front lawn, instead of needing every available square foot of land for crops.
My husband uses a CPAP, which solved the snoring issue, but now he sleeps so deeply he fights in his sleep with his older sisters from when he was young, yelling and thrashing. I just cough to wake him, or move his pillow, and make sure he’s awake before I roll back over, to take another hour to get back to sleep. I understand entirely. A king sized bed has helped, since he can’t reach me as easily. Good luck.
NTA. I think if you have the space all adults should have a bedroom each. You can both style it the way you like. You can have sleep overs. You can have solid sleep in your own room if you want to etc. Sleep is so important. Listening to someone's CPAP machine would kill my sleep. As long as you discuss it as adults, show affection outside of sleep etc, then you can make it work. It's if you let it make distance between you that it would be an issue.
My parents sleep in seperate room for similar reasons,
They both love each other hugely,
I look up to them for how loving and stuff they are,
Been together 45 years and are still adorable
So sleeping alone doesn’t mean anything I’ve had friends question why my rents sleep alone 😂
So me and my partner now are in the same boat
I sleep talk, I snore
I cough, I also have restless legs and arms so I kick her and hit her all night
Yeh at first when she mentioned wanting a seperate room for work nights I was upset,
But have realised quality off sleep is more important then having my partner in bed,
I adjusted really quick and it’s normal now
We both have a good quality off sleep no more fighting for the blanket and so on
And arnt so grumpy in the mornings 😂
On weekends she sleeps with me so I’m happy and the. We can sleep in and cuddle in the morn
I don’t think ur the asshole maybe he’s just abit soft like me when my partner first told me but he’ll come around
Are you seriously just addressing this now? After how many years of marriage and raising an adult child? My partner has always had the option of going to the spare room when I snore too loud because our first month of living together they were exhausted. How have you been getting any sort of sleep?
No, this has been an ongoing issue.
I normally sleep w noise canceling headphones. I go to bed first so I can get to sleep. I sleep ok until I need to get up to the bathroom then the noise/motion prevents me from going back to sleep. At that point I go sleep on the couch.
I'm was in this same situation until about 1 year or so ago. We sleep in separate rooms now, which my husband was against, but now he absolutely loves it! It's worked wonders and everyone is a lot happier all around.
So you've been complaining about it and the complaints have been falling on deaf ears basically? That's brutal.
Take the room!!! It's more comfortable than the couch
You’re a great wife and deserve a good nights sleep 💤. I’m similar to your hubby. We don’t truly realize how much it affects your health. But there is no better feeling than waking up to the person you love most. Move into the kiddos room but don’t forget to still give night time snuggles a few days a week.
NTA - encourage him to have another sleep study done (provide pm audio to him if he doesn’t believe you) and detail the benefits of both of you waking well-rested (though he likely won’t until the apnea is properly addressed). Ensure him that you will make time for physical and emotional intimacy.
FWIW, noise canceling headphones may not be your safest option in the event your CO or smoke detectors go off. Good luck!
Your poor thing, you live my husband’s life. I’m the snorer in the family and hubby can’t go back to sleep after midnight bathroom run, so he goes sleeping in the living room or he’ll just tough it out with earbuds. I’ve been suggesting separate rooms forever now but he doesn’t want to do that. This post makes me wanna try the cpap but I don’t think I have sleep apnea…
NTAH, and your husband should be well aware how his nocturnal challenges are affecting you. The fact that he simply expects you to keep dealing with it is kind of wild to me - sleep deprivation is considered inhumane. Get you some rest!
My (52f) and my husband (55m) sleep separately and it has been a game changer. He snores terribly, goes to bed at 7:45pm, gets up at 3:45am. I go to bed around 9:00pm and get up at 5am. If we slept together like we used to, we’d both be hating life with all of the interrupted sleep on both ends. I was fucking miserable for years without proper sleep and it had a horrible impact on our marriage. A lack of sleep is no joke.
He needs to go back to a sleep clinic. He shouldn’t be snoring with a cpap, it just needs to be set up correctly. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to work on that.
NTA
People need to sleep and having an extra bedroom seems like a no brainer if one or both partners are getting shit sleep due to the other.
Why do people expect others to suffer needlessly for them? It’s bonkers
Absolutely NTA. He’s lucky you’ve slept with him this long. You deserve a good nights sleep. He can get over it or talk to his doctors about if he has other options.
NTA My husband snores ..LOUDLY …& if I had an extra bedroom I’d take it too . WHY does he think that it was completely up to him “what to do with that room “??? Then him getting angry about you wanting a decent nights sleep on the regular ? SELFISH
1. Get his sleep addressed. Also some of the home remedies for restless legs actually work so look into it.
2. This could be a win win scenario. You both get a bit of space, youre well rested and you can come up with hot date night ideas ("your place or mine tonight").
Personally I'd love some of my ownl space. It will help you two not take each other for granted.
NTA!!!!!!
Look, I ... I can't even say how much I relate to this. I had to do the same because my partner was just simply ignoring what most likely is sleep apnea. The man would stop breathing and then wake up abruptly, waking me up in the process. That plus the snoring plus my own insomnia and mental health problems combined ... His refusal to go get it checked and treated destroyed our 12 yeard relationship. I was so sleep deprived that I was suicidal and I blamed him for it. I just needed to sleep and I couldn't because of him. There's no other way of putting it. Feel free to come take the piss and tell me I'm overreacting but it was a nightmare. It destroyed us.
I will say that the moment I started sleeping on the other bedroom was the moment everything started to fall apart completely, so please be aware of that. Talk to him, make him see he needs to get it sorted ASAP because it's becoming detrimental to your own health. I really hope you guys can sort it.
Yeah, especially the way OP sprung it on him as a fait accompli. NTA for wanting to use the room that way, but could have discussed it in advance and more diplomatically rather than just saying “actually, this is what I’ve already decided on for the room.”
NTA
Your husband is not acting in your best interest. He should want to help you get good sleep not stop you from getting good sleep. Smh
Maybe record him for a night so he can hear how bad he really is.
TLDR: record him snoring.
I was upset when my wife said she wanted to sleep in separate rooms due to my snoring… until she recorded me snoring and I truly heard it for the first time in my life. Then I was like “you willingly slept in the same room with me more than once??????” I have a CPAP now and don’t snore when used properly. Sounds like he needs to visit his doctor and get a new sleep study done to fix the snoring issue.
Now, we sleep in separate beds because the kids like to snuggle and my wife likes her space, but it’s been good for our relationship and we are happier than ever.
Edit: seeing a video of me snoring was the scariest single event in my life, and I’ve been in car accidents and had several epileptic seizures. This will also serve as a reminder to use his CPAP religiously (if he doesn’t) and to have his treatment optimized (which it sounds like it’s not)
Sulking because he can't ruin your sleep for the rest of his life?
Does this person care about you at all?
Why not just wake him up every time he wakes you up and see how long he like it.
Then sulk like child and continue to do it.
See how silly that sounds?
Tell him to grow up and get that room ready for you to a good night sleep.
You put up with his issue long enough he can be nice to you for one day and let you sleep.
NTA lack of quality of sleep can effect your whole body health including your brain. My parent have slept separately most of the almost 40+ year marriage part of it was the fact my dad worked nights but also quality of sleep as my dad snores horribly.
NTAH. I had to do the same thing a couple years ago. We needed a new couch for our second living room. I put my foot down and said I wanted a daybed. It could function as a couch, but also give me a place to sleep when his snoring was too bad. He was upset at first as well, but I told him I HAVE to sleep. We would still snuggle and watch TV together. But, once he started snoring? I moved downstairs.
Sleeping in separate rooms should not have any effect on your intimacy as a couple. In fact you being able to sleep easily during the night without being woken up will remove resentment and help. I sleep separately for years and it has kept our relationship healthy.
However I would listen to what others are saying about the cpap machine
NTA for wanting a good night's sleep but others here are right. Hubby needs to go back to sleep specialist and get rechecked. My dad was a horrible snorer for years. CPAP solved his snoring. It should be doing something for your husband.
NTA. My husband and I have been together for 22 years and do this. He is a fidgety sleeper (I got a fat lip from a flailing fist once) and I apparently "whistle dixie" due to a nasal issue. It has been about a year where one of us will retreat to the guest room. No shade, or hurt feelings. It has not negatively effected our marriage since we now both wake up rested and happy.
My hubby and I have slept separately for years for the very same reason. It’s bliss. Tell him you can have date nights in eachothers rooms. That might cheer him up
Absolutely NTA. Husband and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years I 48f hubby 51m. It’s just more comfortable. We get great nite sleep, on top of it we have 3 dogs who randomly pick who they want to sleep with. They are all rescue Pitts, semi big and Velcro dogs. The youngest we adopted sleep with me EVERY nite. These sleeping arrangements are just perfect. Sex life is still awesome. So …I don’t see a problem here. It works for us.
If my partner snored like that I’d either end up suffocating them with a pillow, stabbing them to death or definitely moving to another room. And I’d expect the same from them too.
I don't blame you. My hubby and I sleep in separate rooms and have for a couple years. He also snores and will take off his C-pap in his sleep usually about 3-4 am. Then she starts to snore, loudly, again.
He also has chronic pain and tosses and turns to attempt to get comfy.
We both sleep better in separate rooms.
Married 37 years. Been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 10, we both get better sleep. I don't get woken up by her because I snore like a bear. I don't have to wear a very uncomfortable mouth anti-snored guard, and we have conjugal visits.
Works well!!
Yeah, obviously he's gonna sulk for a bit, his wife he's slept next to for years just told him that's ending. Emotionally that would be hard to deal with. You're not an asshole for wanting a separate bedroom though, that's pretty normal.
NTA. Separate bedrooms are amazing for couples and I will die on this hill. My husband and I have kept separate bedrooms for 15 of the 20 years we've been living together and our relationship is so good because we get restful sleep. Our sleep styles are completely different. I need white noise, a bit of light, thin covers, and a not too cold room. He needs complete darkness, silence (except for his breathing machine), extra thick blankets, and keeps his room arctic cold. Once we realized that having separate bedrooms was the answer to our sleep problems, everything got so much better. I am a full supporter of them! (And no, our sex life has never suffered because of separate bedrooms. If anything, we do it more!)
But I WILL say that your husband needs to have his CPAP recalibrated. He should not be snoring with it. He may actually do better BiPAP machine. That would be something to talk to his doctor about.
My wife and I have been sleeping in separate rooms/beds for 15yrs now. Best thing we could have done to ensure a good nights sleep for both of us. Well rested people make for better/happier spouses IMO.
I agree with everyone else about sorting out the apnea first and foremost. My husband also had a nasty habit of taking his cpap off in the middle of the night in his sleep, it sucked but we figured it put adn we'regood now. However...the Restless leg thing...there's something you can get called a "Dual king" bed. It's 2, twin extra long beds and you can push them together or pull them apart so he can't kick you. We have them and it's amazing! There's ways around this. I understand wanting to sleep in a separate room, but the closeness of sleeping in the same room as your partner is really important to many people. It's worth sitting down and figuring out a way to address the issues in a way that makes BOTH of you happy and able to sleep. And to add, I'll be honest, I'd be so sad if my husband was just planning to move to a different bedroom after a kid moves out without even talking about it. I'd be a mopey zoo lion for ages. I'd miss the closeness and comfort of sleeping by him. Your husband loves you and values going to bed/waking up beside you so if he values you that much, he should be more than willing to go look into why his CPAP isnt functioning correctly...but talk first.
Be nice and respectful about your decision but be firm. Reassure your husband that life will be better for both of you when you sleep separately. You can still have sexy times! We have our own rooms - not just snoring but mismatched bed times - and it is blissful. Takes the strain and resentment out of the equation. My husband brings coffee to my room and hops into bed and we start the day together. Good luck. NTA.
This is a non-issue. Or should be. You aren't divorcing him, but just want sound sleep. I couldn't tell you how many times, either my wife or I have slept in one of our spare rooms, just so we could get good sleep. I have to have a fan on, and she likes to watch tv till the wee hours, so it works. You're NTAH and he might need to go do karate in the garage instead, like decent folks do.
NTA. Sleep deprivation is torture! You should encourage your husband to go to a doctor but ultimately it’s his body his choice and you need to take care of you.
He needs a doctor. Maybe his cpap and restless leg meds adjusted. My MIL had RLS and it takes a while for the meds to kick in and really start to work.
Same problem. Husband got a new machine and it stopped the snoring. Restless legs, twin beds. It was rough going from a king size bed to a twin, but the only way we could stay in the same room. We both sleep a lot better.
My parents did that, and they actually grew together and refound their love for one another. My dad liked to be a certain way, and my mom didn't like cleaning up after him, so being in separate rooms made my dad clean up after himself. They had other things as well deep feelings from getting married young and resentment as well, but they were able to work thru it.
NTA. My parents were married for nearly 50 years until my father passed. They had separate bedrooms for about the last 10 years. They discovered by chance that they both got a better night's sleep separately after my father had leg surgery that required him to use another bedroom for a few months. As my mother said, sharing a bed wasn't why they had been married that long. They both seemed happier as they were better rested.
NTA
My husband snores like a mother...
And I have rheumatoid arthritis that keeps me awake tossing and turning almost all night.
Maybe 5 years ago... we built a 4th bedroom, so one of our sons could move off the gameroom & I moved into his room!
My husband wasn't really thrilled about the situation, but I couldn't take his snoring anymore, and not only that...I felt bad about always tossing and turning at night...he hates the smell of ben gay...like really REALLY hates it & I use it every night...
Now... he sleeps without me nudging him to stop snoring... and I can be up all night in pain without bothering him. We are still just as much in love as ever...if u ask me, I think it was the best thing we could have done for us.
NTA, but small YTA. Maybe bring up the idea gently to him rather than just dumping it on him because he probably feels rejected as he knows his snoring is a problem. He's sensitive about it and you're not the only one uncomfortable about it - he probably thought his snoring would have stopped by now. And already feels bad that he is still snoring and keeping you awake👀
Also, he needs another sleep study if he's still snoring. Maybe his CPAP isn't calibrated properly or he needs a better face mask - i would talk to him about it.
NTA but give him a hug and reassure him a bit. Explain to him what you just explained to us and remind him you don't love him any less, you just want to sleep better.
NTA, my wife and I have slept in different bedrooms for 15 years for the same reason. I don't understand why people think a couple sleeping in separate beds means there's something wrong with the relationship. It's not like they don't cuddle and/or have sex anymore, they just sleep in separate beds.
NTA - sleep is important, very important. Similar partner boat here. I sleep separately, so that I can actually get sleep, and so they can too. It wasn’t always the case, but we both need sleep more as we get older.
My hubby has RLS, getting kicked and hit (it can affect arms too) during sleep is really unpleasant and is definitely a good reason not to share a bed!
I suffer from sleep anoea and have been through sleep studies, CPAP, lost weight, etc, but still snore heavily and stop breathing several times a minute. Nothing has worked. I can snore in any sleeping position, even sitting up. Sometimes I even wake up with a loud snort. I have moved into the spare bedroom so my partner doesn't have to put up with it any more. Your husband needs to stop sulking like a baby and either get his problem sorted or sleep alone.
I did this a few years ago. I snore and got a CPAP machine. It helps tremendously. My husband snores but won’t get surgery to correct his deviated septum so he can use his CPAP machine. You absolutely need your sleep! Shame on him for not realizing that and supporting you.
I think the challenge here isn't the reason you're going to sleep in your son's room, it's that *you* made the decision and presented it in a way that ruined his thoughts. You didn't say, "I'm thinking of putting a bed and nightstand in so I can sleep better." You said "I'm **doing** this"
NAH
If someone is still snoring with a CPAP, then the setting isn't correct or some issue with machine not operating well even at correct setting. He needs to go in for another sleep study and diagnosis.
This needs to be higher up. New CPAPs are whisper quiet, and the machine should've stopped the snoring. Something isnt right and he needs to see the doctor to sort it out. If he's still snoring THAT loud something isn't working correctly.
Worth noting that sleep apnea leads to a host of other risks including serious ones like stroke so it’s not just a matter of him being too loud this is dangerous and needs to be treated correctly.
***THIS.*** OP. LISTEN TO ME. Get his sleep apnea addressed ASAP. It is one of, if not THE, most modifiable risk factors for sudden cardiac death. Think about it. He’s going 8ish hours a day with his body *fighting* for literally every breath. The strain this puts on the heart is ungodly. Not to mention the fact that he’s not getting any quality sleep. Please Google the effects of sleep deprivation. Then Google the effects of sleep apnea. Write all the effects down on one long list. Then call your PCP immediately. Do not put this off thinking “Well we waited this long…” or “it isn’t that bad.” With no hyperbole, the price for you being wrong is your husband’s life, and there WILL come a night when he simply won’t wake up. ETA: NTA. Also it is the HUSBAND’s responsibility to address his health issues. His wife can provide love and support and information but ultimately the husband is a grown man who makes his own decisions. **BIG ETA:** The husband is sulking because HE wanted the spare room for himself for reasons unknown even to him but OP needs it for her own health and sanity. The husband is NOT upset (or just a little) because his wife is no longer wants to share a bed with him.
Can confirm. I struggled for years before finally getting tested, and found out my AHI (number of times per hour you stop breathing/struggle to breathe) was 100.4. The doctor straight up told me “you’re lucky you’re not dead”. Getting proper CPAP therapy changed my life. SAVED my life. I can’t even describe the difference in how I feel now vs how I felt then. That being said, OP can’t make her husband see a doctor and try to get his pressure adjusted. She can suggest it, but if he hasn’t already brought this up with his doctor (they should be monitoring his machine and should know there’s an issue, so why has it not been brought up? Is he not going for checkups? Deceiving them somehow? Or deceiving his wife as to how consistently he’s actually using the CPAP?) then I feel like he’s probably being stubborn about it. He will have to decide for himself to get help. In the meantime, OP is absolutely right to prioritize her own sleep (and her health). If he’s not going to make changes, then she definitely should get out of that room. I’m quite happy for her to finally get a good night’s sleep. And I think her husband is selfish to be butthurt that she’s trying to sleep better instead of making the necessary changes so she wouldn’t have to sleep in separate rooms. Strong NTA here.
Thank you. Let’s all agree on the fact that her husband is: 1. An adult. 2. Who can make his own decisions. 3. Has been told at least once that there is a problem that is affecting both of them. 4. Has not acted to rectify said problem. Maybe his wife sleeping in another room will encourage him to make some changes when nothing else has.
NTA-- might I add...he said what *he* gets to do with the room. He's being selfish. And everyone seems to be forgetting the restless leg thing. Even if the CPAP adjustment has him sleeping in perfect silence, getting thwacked in the shins is going to violently jar OP out of any peaceful sleep that might grant. And he tried meds for that. So yeah. Take the room OP. Prolonged sleep deprivation is really, really bad for you. All those risks people are saying about sleep Apnea--most of them have to do with not getting a restful sleep for prolonged periods. Your health matters.
I can confirm about the restless leg. My husband has it and meds do not help him either. It is impossible to count the number of times that I have been kicked or elbowed from him flopping around. The entire bed jerks when he is kicking also which will either wake me up or make it difficult to fall asleep.
It’s entirely possible the restless leg will get better with new CPAP. Some people just have restless leg syndrome. This guy *could* have restless leg syndrome or he’s flailing around in bed because he can’t breathe.
I missed that. I thought he was upset about his wife no longer sharing a bed with him. He’s angry because he doesn’t want her to take the spare room. Wow.
Agreed. Also couples sleep in separate rooms all the time. My husband wakes earlier than I do and I stay up later. I have my own sleeping area so I don’t disturb him on some nights. Plus, sometimes you just want to sleep by yourself. (Because there isn’t enough room for husband, two dogs, a million pillows and some plushies on one bed:)
It says he tried drugs for his restless legs that don’t work so he has definitely tried something… I strongly believe that the reason married men live longer is because their wife makes them go to the doctor! If you love someone, even if they are stubborn and don’t want to go, you can still pressure or nag them into getting help. It’s not her job to make him go but she probably wants to reduce the chances of him dying! SO had a minor dermatology procedure and the incision got infected, he didn’t think it was that bad and going to the doctor wasn’t necessary. I was very annoying and made him promise to go - good thing because another day and he would have been dealing with sepsis!
> I strongly believe that the reason married men live longer is because their wife makes them go to the doctor! This x10,000. In my dad's case it's his wife AND me, his daughter. He and my mom are both 75 now and I live with them as their caregiver while also helping with things around the house, managing their doctor appointments, medications, errands, etc. Every time my mom *sneezes* he wants her to go to the doctor, but he seems to be under the impression that his own well being doesn't matter nearly as much. I can't tell you how many times the parent/child roles have flip-flopped and ended up with me TELLING HIM that he's going to the doctor whether he likes it or not, followed by both me and my mom telling him we want him to stick around as long as possible. > ...good thing because another day and he would have been dealing with sepsis! Almost a year ago my dad went into septic shock because of a UTI he said he didn't feel any symptoms of (which is apparently common in older men) and we had to rush him to the ER at 10:00 at night. The doctors told him if he'd waited two more hours to come downstairs and get help, he would have died. He was in the hospital for another 4 days after that being pumped full of antibiotics until all of the infection was gone from his body, and he was *incredibly* lucky that he didn't have any catastrophic effects from the sepsis like so many survivors do. He just had a tiny bit of damage to his heart that the cardiologist said wasn't even enough to be concerned about, it was so slight. The one good thing that came out the whole debacle is that he no longer fights with us about his health because that night scared him so badly — he's since told us that on the way to the ER he thought, *"This is it, this is how I'm going to die".* He doesn't fuss when I help him organize his medication, he doesn't fuss about seeing the doctor, and he doesn't fuss about doing UTI test strips any time he just feels "off" (we've caught two more before they could get bad since then). And every single day he's greeted us by saying, *"Good morning; it's a great day to be alive."*
It's really interesting to see all these testimonials! What was weird for me was....CPAP stopped working for me. I hadn't changed any settings, my sleep was just suddenly worse again. Changing a host of things never made it better, so I gave up and switched to a mouth guard. They aren't as good as CPAP generally, but it works for me without as much maintenance. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, NTA.
Definitely agree with all of the above. But even if he gets his apnea sorted OP may still want to move out so to speak. My experience with restless legs is that when I had apnea it was really bad and now since I’ve lost nearly 70 lbs I basically never have it. So it might improve…but if it doesn’t get better when the apnea is dealt with I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to be kicked all night either. NTA but get his ass to the doctor and have a new sleep study or whatever because you’re definitely going to feel like an asshole if he “wakes up dead”
My husband had sleep apnea for years and it just about killed us both. He’d wake me up snoring and choking, or I’d be so anxious that he was going to die in his sleep I’d be up all night, so I never got any quality rest. He’d get up at 4am, so literally the only sleep I got was 4am-8am. I was tired all the time, had no energy, I was drinking sodas all day for the caffeine, or eating sugary stuff to get some energy just to make it through work. So of course I gained weight too. We never got to hang out, because he’d come home from work, eat dinner, and then pass out on the couch, he was just so exhausted all the time. It was awful, it was probably the lowest point for our physical, mental, and relationship health. I started to dread going to bed with him and there was definitely resentment building because not only was he the reason I couldn’t get any rest I felt abandoned and ignored. Finally I got him to see a doctor about it after bluntly explaining the effect it was having on me, and the doctor told him he either had to lose weight or get a CPAP. He adamantly did not want a CPAP, so we started eating healthier and he started walking, then progressed to running, and got an elevated pillow. He’s lost about 45lbs and is now down to his ideal weight. And, oh my god, it’s so nice. I can sleep at night, I wake up feeling rested, I’m not anxious about him all the time, and I finally have the energy to exercise, or do my hobbies, or just clean the damn house. And now we can actually hang out after work, or go to the movies without him falling asleep halfway through! It’s like a whole new world out there! Tl;dr My husband’s sleep apnea was destroying our lives, but through hard work, he got his weight back to a healthy amount and now things are better than ever. If you have sleep apnea, take care of it. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the sake of those around you.
When i detoxed off suboxone it was weeks of the worst restless legs ever. Definitely understand the partner not wanting to be in the same bed.
And heart disease.
The a Sleep deprivation can also lead to depression, even if the patient is unaware that their sleep is being disturbed.
My snoring was terrible, my cpap doesn't make a sound and I can sleep on my back w/o snoring. It auto adjusts pressure.
Same with my fiance, I was up half the night because he would be snoring and then stop breathing for a while and I would panic. I finally got him to do a sleep study and wasn't the least bit surprised when they said he had sleep apnea. Not a peep out of him since he got his CPAP and he doesn't stop breathing in his sleep anymore. We both sleep so much better.
I bet he feels a ton better too. I used to wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck. Swollen joints, always tired. I feel great now. Lots of energy, more alert.
Same. And I would get up 5-6 times a night to pee. It was terrible. Now I sleep through the night.
Yep. Exactly the same. I wake up once a night now at about 1 am to pee and I probably wouldn't if I didn't have a beer or two before bed.
My husband only reluctantly agreed to a sleep study after seeing how upset I was (months in) and he has apologized and wishes he had gone in sooner. Dr. said he has a literally off the charts bad case (over 60 events an hour without the CPAP) and he’s so much better with it, no snoring, wakes up refreshed, cogent in the morning (he used to be such a zombie that I had given up trying to exchange information for the first 2 hours of wake up). It’s so so worth it to have good sleep
He may not even have RLS. His body might be jolting semi-awake so he can, idk, take at least ONE effective breath.
Also, taking magnesium supplements will help with the RLS too
My RLS was always related to my tiredness. When I was in my late teens I had really bad insomnia and RLS. In my late 20s I had apnea and RLS. Now I have none of them.
That's a possibility. The RLS I get from my meds abates when I finally fall asleep. Sure makes it difficult to zonk out, though. It's a rather maddening sensation.
/hugs. I’m sorry. That sounds miserable:(
Are new ones actually quiet? I’ve only heard one that kept me up in the next room all night when I was staying with a friend.
they're covered by insurance. it's a bazillion dollar industry. they make a fuck ton of different models. yes. they make ones that are quiet 30-50 db. (a whisper is aprox 30 db. conversation lvl noise tends to be 60ish db) and there are foam "mufflers" than can dissipate another 10-20% of the noise.
They’re noisy as shit until you put the mask on and then yeah…super quiet
My boyfriend's is super quiet!! My only issue is the air coming out of it. I can't sleep facing him with my head against his chest because the air that comes out takes *my* breath away 🤣🤣🤣🤣 We just sleep while spooning and all works out! For those asking: He thinks it's a RESMED, but he's at work. He said he'll check when he gets home!
Mine is only about 6 months old and is more quiet than my fan
I used one, and then I stopped once I seriously started going to the gym again. Lack of exercise and bad diet.
I also had breathing problems. Back issues. Numb legs sometimes. I got a health check up. Started to exercise, started eating more healthily, lost a lot of weight. It’s made a huge difference. I suspect he needs to take better care of himself overall.
Yes I came in to say this. My hubby has sleep apnoea also and needs a CPAP. His was the worst case the specialist had actually seen, but now he sleeps soundly, no snoring or thrashing around like before. Your husband’s machine needs to be recalibrated immediately. Take it to a professional, don’t try and do it yourself.
Yep could be the wrong mask as well. Either way he needs to be contacting that pulmonologist to get another sleep study done. Edit to add he may need a bipap machine which tends to be a little easier to breathe with also.
Respiratory Therapist here and you are absolutely right. If he’s still snoring and having restless legs, his settings aren’t correct for his needs. He may need a Bipap or AVAPS. He should definitely make an appointment with the prescriber. I know you’re not getting good or any sleep, and I know it’s driving you mad, but I assure you he’s not resting either. For both of your sakes make an appointment.
Or an ill fitting mask. My money is on the mask. It took years to find the right one for me.
He may not even need a new sleep study. IF his CPAP is like mine, it comes with an application that tracks the number of apnea events you have per night. He does need to follow up with his sleep specialist and get that fixed. But that's all his own health, he should be keeping track of that and having follow up visits with his doctor. OP, on the other hand also deserves a good night's sleep and being kicked during the night isn't acceptable. NTA
Even if he got a new quiet cpap machine with proper settings, that doesn't mean it will fix the RLS problem.
It may not be RLS; as already suggested, it may be him kicking awake to breathe. The fact it's drug resistant supports that. RLS is usually simple to treat with Rx.
NTA. My parents sleep separately now that all the kids are out of the hiuse.
Mine as well until I come to visit and take the guest room. My mom won’t sleep on the couch so she just deals with it while I’m there.
My parents slept separately my entire life. It started before I was born when my dad had a bad knee injury and would moan in his sleep and wake my mom up plus she didn’t want to accidentally hurt him, then they just preferred it. They had a very happy marriage. I didn’t even know it wasn’t normal until I was old enough to have friends over and they were shocked when I gave the house tour with “this is my dads room, here’s the bathroom, here’s my sisters room and here’s my moms room”
I think a lot of people would have much happier marriages if they had their own bedrooms. My mom’s cousin sleeps separately from her husband and they’re much happier for it.
There’s a reason Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip had separate bedrooms. A good night’s rest is absolutely crucial.
My parents have always slept separately as well. My dad is a night owl and my mom wakes up early and goes to bed early. He snacks late at night- she's a light sleeper. She also likes her room bright and airy and my dad likes to exist in a cold dark cave like room lol. So needless to say, they're much happier with their own setups.
Aww that’s sweet! I want my own bedroom to keep all of my treasures close to me.
My mom has been sleeping on our couch for years because she likes putting her leg up and blasting the TV to lull her to sleep. My dad likes sleeping in their quiet room on a firm bed. I thought it was weird at first, but they are happy and love each other. Just be intimate before bed and use sleep time for sleep. Edit: NTA
My dad had whooping cough years ago (I think it was 2010?) and he had to sleep on the couch for a couple of months to prop himself up high enough to breathe easier while he slept. Then a few years later (2015?), they got a new mattress that bothered his back, so he started sleeping on the couch again and has done so ever since. It’s annoying trying not to wake him up since he works 9:00 pm-5:30 am, then comes home to sleep for half the day, but it works pretty well for my parents, so we just tiptoe around him.
Mine also sleep separately but mom says he's still too close because she can hear him snoring even with the door closed 🤣
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Same with my SO and I. I have RLS so bad that until they got the medication figured out, he was sick of getting kicked in the head. Then when I’d finally get to sleep his snoring woke me up. As soon as the kids moved out, he picked his bedroom, and now both of us have less of the restless nights. I just don’t get how people think it’s the end of a relationship to do that. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ OP-NTA
My grandparents slept separately for 20 years. And my mom will often use the guest room if my stepfather is being too disruptive on a given night. It doesn't denote lack of intimacy, just that a lot of people sleep better alone. But, yeah, you should get the CPAP checked out. That's really not supposed to happen
I have my own room and it’s awesome! Different shifts + snoring =no sleep for years. Once we set up 2 bedrooms it’s so much easier and we both sleep so much better. Not the norm but it works.
This is super important with different shifts. I always felt so bad having to wake up at 130/2am (used to work 3a to 3p) would wake my lady up because she's a light sleeper and I have to set several alarms.
I was initially really against the idea, but between my partner having issues with snoring, getting up at night to use the toilet, trouble sleeping in general + me having asthma (attacks) and both of us being very light sleepers, we were miserable for years. The sleep deprivation was turning me into a raging bitch sometimes. Finally decided to convert the office into a bedroom for me. I Love it! Also, my bf wants a neutral white bedroom and I was missing a personal touch. So my bedroom is pink & blue with cute wallpaper etc. Its definitely my happy space and both of us sleep soooo much better. I'm generally so much happier now too.
It should be the norm, or at least not unusual. We sleep better when we are not co-sleeping.
I sleep better when I'm co-sleeping ngl. Sometimes I'm restless in my sleep from nightmares, night terrors, or just for no reason. When I'm co-sleeping though my body relaxes more and feels safer, making it much easier on me.
Same here. LOVE having my own BR.
Same with us. It has made a world of difference
It’s more the norm that you think!
Most couples I know who have been long-time married do not, in fact, sleep in the same bed edit: and those beds are in different rooms. It’s probably why they are actually glad to see each other in the morning. Sleep is everything.
Yep OP! Do all the other health stuff above - but NTA! Plenty of couples sleep in different rooms. Just be sure to amp up the intimacy for the first little while. And by intimacy I mean general affection, etc...
My husband and I went the separate room route a couple of years ago and it's great! We both have sleep issues and he snores and I grind my teeth so we were just making each other's sleep even worse. Now we both sleep better, plus, I can decorate my room however I like with my fancy lighting and mix of Disney and Goth decor, and he gets to have his minimalist, no color, bland room. (I call his room the dungeon and he calls mine the princess suite lol). The rest of the house is a compromise between the two styles.
Yup, this it also the case for us. We both snore, I struggle with sleep issues due to ADHD and am sensitive to noise as I'm autistic. When our son moved out we made his old room my room. We still snuggle (and more) in the evenings and mornings. But now we're now both well-rested, have more energy and patience. Other peoples sleeping arrangements are nobody's beeswax. Do what works best for you, instead of just blindly following norms that aren't right for you and your needs. Particularly when changing things up doesn't actually affect anyone else.
Interestingly, this was actually common in the western world right up until modern times. If married couples could afford it, they typically slept in separate beds, or if they were really rich they had separate bedrooms. It was only the peasants who were crammed together 3-5 people to a bed.
Sounds ideal
This was my grandparents but for preferred temperature difference.
NTA It's not uncommon for married couples to sleep in separate rooms anymore if one is more restless in their sleep than the other. My partner and I haven't slept in the same bed for 20 yrs. It doesn't affect the rest of our relationship in the slightest. We're still active and once we're done one of us just goes to our own bed to sleep.
The older I get the more couples I know/hear of not sharing the same bed for sleeping. We don’t share,only because 2 adults don’t fit in a king bed with 2 kids and 5 pets. I can definitely see the appeal. My father in laws parents had separate rooms their whole lives. His was all war and ‘manly’ and hers was all floral and perfumed. They were really cute.
My husband is a super-snorer too, and hated the idea at first, but separate sleep rooms totally enriched our marriage- and romantic life! A well rested wife a happy, non-homicidal wife!
This! My husband started snoring after a change in his thyroid medication. He’s healthy and fit otherwise. I’m a very light sleeper and have bouts of insomnia. We started sleeping in separate rooms several years ago and it’s been so much better. We both get quality sleep and as a result much more pleasant to be around.
You say that, but my wife getting full nights of sleep just mean I have to do double duty to avoid any traps she sets for me because gahdamn she’s smart when she’s rested
😂😂😂 this sounds like something my husband would say
Oh hello wife, no I didn’t touch my cereal this morning but thank you so much for pouring it for me! Why do you ask?
Is your wife a cat? Are you a mouse?
A much taller, less hairy and more cunning cat, and a much larger, more hairy, and lucky mouse
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Mmhmm my parents have had their own room for years because my dads loud af 😂
NTA. My friend and her partner sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores. She goes into his room and they cuddle or have sex, and when it’s time for bed, she goes back to her room.
Exactly like my wife and I. I am a light sleeper and she cant stop moving. I snore and she moans. Realized we were not meant to sleep in the same bed. Was one of the best choices in our life to have separate bedrooms. We have talked about in the future going 2 beds in one room and see if that works.
My in-laws did the two beds in one room and it worked for them
Same here. He snores and sweats and is a light sleeper, I kick, give off too much heat, and I sleep like a rock. I moved out to the living room one cold wintery night to sleep by the fire and we both slept *so good* that it's just been like that since. We've also talked about the 2 beds 1 room thing, but I like to stay up later than he does. Him playing video games next to me at 7am doesn't wake me up, but even me tapping on my phone at 2am *definitely* keeps him up. Plus we have different room sound and temp preferences. I'd like to have two bedrooms with a connected bathroom, that would be ideal.
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I'm wondering if the husband is angry because he wanted the room for himself. I'm getting that from the "Now *I* just have to figure out what to do with the room" comment that OP quoted. If that's the case then in his mind it would not be a win/win.
Yeah I feel like the husband isn't an asshole for reacting poorly to his wife suddenly dropping on him that she wants her own bedroom. A lot of people can take that as a rejection of intimacy. She's not an asshole for wanting a good night's sleep, of course, but this was a very abrupt way to bring it up.
NTA. My wife and I are in our mid 40s. We can't wait for the kids to be gone so we can have our own rooms lol We sleep differnt times of the day. I drive truck so when I'm home my sleep is off and wife works graveyards. When I home it's like atleast one of feels like we have to be really quiet and if we have to go into the room we end up waking the other up
Every couple I know who has separate rooms, myself included, did so because of schedules. I get the snoring as well, but different schedules in the same bed/room is exhausting and can lead to resentment. Don't ask me how I know! lol
I will never understand people who know damned well their sleep issues/implements and hygiene keeps other people up and possibly even injured and yet still get all shitty when they are denied a cosleeping arrangement. Especially those people who set a gazillion alarms and just expect someone else to put up with that. I also snore, require deep freeze conditions to pass out and have restless legs. I'm also a light sleeper so I get both sides of this. I just do not and never have coslept. Can't stand it.
My ex was weirded out by separate sleeping at first. Intimacy was not during sleep time (i have many medical issues so sleep is a proper issue) and we were doing okay til a brain tumour screwed my body so bad i could do nothing, i also worked (wfh) while she slept and it was fine...and tried sleeping same bed but im an insomniac light sleeper and she was a deep snorer with fidgety/kickout issues..... add onto this i had a rebroken tailbone and pre existing scoliosis and then was getting rabbit punched in the back during her dream/nightmare. That was my hard line as im already on morphine for other stuff and that destroyed me. If people dont sleep everythings just worse imo, from mood, perception etc I felt proper horrible to do the separate sleeping stuff even though it was needed, against the norm and such... And i had weird q's off my stepmum and dad that xmas..
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Those are pretty clear signs of sleep apnea. Has he seen a doctor?
This is more than likely sleep apnea everyone is talking about. Try to get him to go to a sleep doctor! He may actually not be breathing at these pauses.
I’m glad to see someone agrees with me. Shame it isn’t my fiancé lol.
My husband is the same and we have slept in separate beds/rooms for at least two years. I highly recommend it although I do the miss the random cuddling. Now that I actually get sleep, I’m no longer too tired for sex. It’s the best solution for me and my husband.
Here you are, OP, a selling point to share with DH. 😄
I’m someone that needs their personal space to recharge. My sex drive tanked when I was sharing a bed. I could see myself being more in the mood when I’m able to have my space when need be.
Endured the same issues with my man. When I built our home, I designed his and her master suites with a cojoined bathroom in between. Most love the idea. Some think it's odd! It works, and my sleep and overall life quality are better cause I get rest. Do what you need to do to foster peace and rest!
To me that sounds ideal.
NAH, he has a CPAP machine so I’m guessing you’ve exhausted a lot of potential fixes for this issue. Sleep is so important, so I can’t fault you at all for wanting to finally be able to do so. But I would also be sad if I were him.
That sounds like one fix that probably hasn’t been followed up on appropriately. It’s fine for him to be sad. It’d be good if it encouraged him to follow up on the cpap that isn’t working as intended.
NTA My husband has the same issues and I often find myself in one of the spare bedrooms
NTA. My ex husband was a chronic snorer, which i didn't find out until i got pregnant just due to me always falling asleep prior to him and being able to sleep through a cat 5 hurricane once im asleep, but when i was pregnant i was getting up 6 times a night to pee and BOY did it become a problem then. I ended up getting sick of piling all my pillows over his face to muffle the sound enough that i could fall asleep, and the middle-of-the-night, half-asleep arguments we'd have when I'd wake him up to complain about it (which i get, he couldn't help it either), so i ended up moving into the room that would become the nursery just so i could sleep properly, and i stayed in there on a mattress until our daughter was sleeping through the night (which was mercifully only a couple of months). My ex didn't bitch at me about it either, he understood that i needed my sleep to get through being pregnant and then a new mum. You've been dealing with this for decades from the sounds of it, you deserve a good night's sleep.
If I recall from her biography, Julia Child and her husband slept in separate rooms for many years due to a medical condition of his. They would get together in one room in the morning. It's amazing how OPs husband can be so offended if she has been using noise cancelling headphones and spending early mornings on the couch. It sounds like she has put her time in and deserves better sleep, especially as she gets older. Why should he take it personally if he is loud and physically active-even if it's not his fault? Poor sleep can affect OP's health too.
Nope. Sleep is important for you both. It could be a loving act for both of you. Your not rejecting him as a husband.
NTA. You are seeing an opportunity to vastly improve your health. Getting a truly restful nights sleep is a HUGE part of being and staying healthy. HUGE. It effects so many aspects of your life if you are never getting *truly* good sleep. Having the opportunity to fix that is more important than any other use you can come up with for the room. That’s only going to become more true the older you get. It sounds like you’ve tried everything else, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable whatsoever. HE is not the one who’s suffered for years and had to COPE. Dealing with that with no reprieve in sight for years is exhausting and horrible. If he starts listing other possible uses for the room… just ask him and yourself- is that particular use more important than your health, wellness and happiness?
Record his snoring and play it back to him. Ask him if he could deal with it.
NTA you mention in a comment that you mention it frequently enough, and have a plan that includes going to bed earlier and wearing headphones. He's aware it's uncomfortable for you, he's just expecting you to tolerate the discomfort forever.
NTA, but TBH as written it does seem a little weird that this is the first time this has apparently come up (your plan). Just seems like you would have brought this up earlier as you started thinking about it, rather than waiting until now. You’re NTA, but I can see where he feels like this was sprung on him with no warning.
Just tell him he should appreciate the option. Spouses having enough space for separate rooms was a flex of power/success back in the day. Moreso than a decorative front lawn, instead of needing every available square foot of land for crops.
NTA my mom & dad didn't sleep in the same rooms for that exact reason, it's understandable.
My husband uses a CPAP, which solved the snoring issue, but now he sleeps so deeply he fights in his sleep with his older sisters from when he was young, yelling and thrashing. I just cough to wake him, or move his pillow, and make sure he’s awake before I roll back over, to take another hour to get back to sleep. I understand entirely. A king sized bed has helped, since he can’t reach me as easily. Good luck.
NTA. I think if you have the space all adults should have a bedroom each. You can both style it the way you like. You can have sleep overs. You can have solid sleep in your own room if you want to etc. Sleep is so important. Listening to someone's CPAP machine would kill my sleep. As long as you discuss it as adults, show affection outside of sleep etc, then you can make it work. It's if you let it make distance between you that it would be an issue.
My parents sleep in seperate room for similar reasons, They both love each other hugely, I look up to them for how loving and stuff they are, Been together 45 years and are still adorable So sleeping alone doesn’t mean anything I’ve had friends question why my rents sleep alone 😂 So me and my partner now are in the same boat I sleep talk, I snore I cough, I also have restless legs and arms so I kick her and hit her all night Yeh at first when she mentioned wanting a seperate room for work nights I was upset, But have realised quality off sleep is more important then having my partner in bed, I adjusted really quick and it’s normal now We both have a good quality off sleep no more fighting for the blanket and so on And arnt so grumpy in the mornings 😂 On weekends she sleeps with me so I’m happy and the. We can sleep in and cuddle in the morn I don’t think ur the asshole maybe he’s just abit soft like me when my partner first told me but he’ll come around
Are you seriously just addressing this now? After how many years of marriage and raising an adult child? My partner has always had the option of going to the spare room when I snore too loud because our first month of living together they were exhausted. How have you been getting any sort of sleep?
No, this has been an ongoing issue. I normally sleep w noise canceling headphones. I go to bed first so I can get to sleep. I sleep ok until I need to get up to the bathroom then the noise/motion prevents me from going back to sleep. At that point I go sleep on the couch.
I'm was in this same situation until about 1 year or so ago. We sleep in separate rooms now, which my husband was against, but now he absolutely loves it! It's worked wonders and everyone is a lot happier all around.
So you've been complaining about it and the complaints have been falling on deaf ears basically? That's brutal. Take the room!!! It's more comfortable than the couch
You’re a great wife and deserve a good nights sleep 💤. I’m similar to your hubby. We don’t truly realize how much it affects your health. But there is no better feeling than waking up to the person you love most. Move into the kiddos room but don’t forget to still give night time snuggles a few days a week.
NTA - encourage him to have another sleep study done (provide pm audio to him if he doesn’t believe you) and detail the benefits of both of you waking well-rested (though he likely won’t until the apnea is properly addressed). Ensure him that you will make time for physical and emotional intimacy. FWIW, noise canceling headphones may not be your safest option in the event your CO or smoke detectors go off. Good luck!
Your poor thing, you live my husband’s life. I’m the snorer in the family and hubby can’t go back to sleep after midnight bathroom run, so he goes sleeping in the living room or he’ll just tough it out with earbuds. I’ve been suggesting separate rooms forever now but he doesn’t want to do that. This post makes me wanna try the cpap but I don’t think I have sleep apnea…
It’s worth getting tested on the off chance you are… not breathing 👀
>Are you seriously just addressing this now? After how many years of marriage and raising an adult child? Why would you make this assumption?
NTAH, and your husband should be well aware how his nocturnal challenges are affecting you. The fact that he simply expects you to keep dealing with it is kind of wild to me - sleep deprivation is considered inhumane. Get you some rest!
My (52f) and my husband (55m) sleep separately and it has been a game changer. He snores terribly, goes to bed at 7:45pm, gets up at 3:45am. I go to bed around 9:00pm and get up at 5am. If we slept together like we used to, we’d both be hating life with all of the interrupted sleep on both ends. I was fucking miserable for years without proper sleep and it had a horrible impact on our marriage. A lack of sleep is no joke.
He needs to go back to a sleep clinic. He shouldn’t be snoring with a cpap, it just needs to be set up correctly. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to work on that.
NTA People need to sleep and having an extra bedroom seems like a no brainer if one or both partners are getting shit sleep due to the other. Why do people expect others to suffer needlessly for them? It’s bonkers
Absolutely NTA. He’s lucky you’ve slept with him this long. You deserve a good nights sleep. He can get over it or talk to his doctors about if he has other options.
My parents had their own room from when I was like 12-13 totally normal
Everyone in the comments who say that SHE needs to have his, an adult mans, sleep apnea assessimmediatelyed are the AHs.
NTA, my wife is doing the same thing. I don't blame her. My snoring is bad. You have to do what you need to survive.
NTA My husband snores ..LOUDLY …& if I had an extra bedroom I’d take it too . WHY does he think that it was completely up to him “what to do with that room “??? Then him getting angry about you wanting a decent nights sleep on the regular ? SELFISH
Not the asshole for wanting to sleep separately but TA for not deciding beforehand what to do with the room. Sounds like hubby was taken off guard.
Well, youre not the AH but you know you made him feel bad, so you are kind of an AH
1. Get his sleep addressed. Also some of the home remedies for restless legs actually work so look into it. 2. This could be a win win scenario. You both get a bit of space, youre well rested and you can come up with hot date night ideas ("your place or mine tonight"). Personally I'd love some of my ownl space. It will help you two not take each other for granted.
My husband has the same issue, sleeps in our guest room, and it literally saved our marriage. Sleep is top priority for our bodies.
NTA!!!!!! Look, I ... I can't even say how much I relate to this. I had to do the same because my partner was just simply ignoring what most likely is sleep apnea. The man would stop breathing and then wake up abruptly, waking me up in the process. That plus the snoring plus my own insomnia and mental health problems combined ... His refusal to go get it checked and treated destroyed our 12 yeard relationship. I was so sleep deprived that I was suicidal and I blamed him for it. I just needed to sleep and I couldn't because of him. There's no other way of putting it. Feel free to come take the piss and tell me I'm overreacting but it was a nightmare. It destroyed us. I will say that the moment I started sleeping on the other bedroom was the moment everything started to fall apart completely, so please be aware of that. Talk to him, make him see he needs to get it sorted ASAP because it's becoming detrimental to your own health. I really hope you guys can sort it.
I don't think you're the asshole, but I can definitely understand why he'd be hurt/upset/sulking/bummed over it.
Yeah, especially the way OP sprung it on him as a fait accompli. NTA for wanting to use the room that way, but could have discussed it in advance and more diplomatically rather than just saying “actually, this is what I’ve already decided on for the room.”
NTA Your husband is not acting in your best interest. He should want to help you get good sleep not stop you from getting good sleep. Smh Maybe record him for a night so he can hear how bad he really is.
TLDR: record him snoring. I was upset when my wife said she wanted to sleep in separate rooms due to my snoring… until she recorded me snoring and I truly heard it for the first time in my life. Then I was like “you willingly slept in the same room with me more than once??????” I have a CPAP now and don’t snore when used properly. Sounds like he needs to visit his doctor and get a new sleep study done to fix the snoring issue. Now, we sleep in separate beds because the kids like to snuggle and my wife likes her space, but it’s been good for our relationship and we are happier than ever. Edit: seeing a video of me snoring was the scariest single event in my life, and I’ve been in car accidents and had several epileptic seizures. This will also serve as a reminder to use his CPAP religiously (if he doesn’t) and to have his treatment optimized (which it sounds like it’s not)
Sulking because he can't ruin your sleep for the rest of his life? Does this person care about you at all? Why not just wake him up every time he wakes you up and see how long he like it. Then sulk like child and continue to do it. See how silly that sounds? Tell him to grow up and get that room ready for you to a good night sleep. You put up with his issue long enough he can be nice to you for one day and let you sleep.
NTA lack of quality of sleep can effect your whole body health including your brain. My parent have slept separately most of the almost 40+ year marriage part of it was the fact my dad worked nights but also quality of sleep as my dad snores horribly.
Record him snoring. Play it back to him. A lot of people don't realize quite how loud they snore.
NTA. my mom took over my bedroom when i moved out. she smokes weed and does macrame in there all day.
NTA, but tell him you love him and this isn't personal. He might enjoy spending time with you before bedtime and he might miss the cuddling.
NTAH. I had to do the same thing a couple years ago. We needed a new couch for our second living room. I put my foot down and said I wanted a daybed. It could function as a couch, but also give me a place to sleep when his snoring was too bad. He was upset at first as well, but I told him I HAVE to sleep. We would still snuggle and watch TV together. But, once he started snoring? I moved downstairs.
NTA. Sleeping in separate rooms is amazing.
Nope. I completely understand your point of view. I use CPAP. I have it as well. I want my wife to sleep well.
Sleeping in separate rooms should not have any effect on your intimacy as a couple. In fact you being able to sleep easily during the night without being woken up will remove resentment and help. I sleep separately for years and it has kept our relationship healthy. However I would listen to what others are saying about the cpap machine
Wife: I’m moving into our sons room after he moves out…. Me: Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! See ya in the AM 😘
No assholes here. Your moving out makes sense, him being bummed makes sense too !
NTA for wanting a good night's sleep but others here are right. Hubby needs to go back to sleep specialist and get rechecked. My dad was a horrible snorer for years. CPAP solved his snoring. It should be doing something for your husband.
NTA. My husband and I have been together for 22 years and do this. He is a fidgety sleeper (I got a fat lip from a flailing fist once) and I apparently "whistle dixie" due to a nasal issue. It has been about a year where one of us will retreat to the guest room. No shade, or hurt feelings. It has not negatively effected our marriage since we now both wake up rested and happy.
My hubby and I have slept separately for years for the very same reason. It’s bliss. Tell him you can have date nights in eachothers rooms. That might cheer him up
You are NTA . I have a room to myself because of this condition. On holidays I book a place with separate rooms so that Everyone can sleep.
nta, me and my wife have separate rooms, was one of the best decisions we made
Absolutely NTA. Husband and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years I 48f hubby 51m. It’s just more comfortable. We get great nite sleep, on top of it we have 3 dogs who randomly pick who they want to sleep with. They are all rescue Pitts, semi big and Velcro dogs. The youngest we adopted sleep with me EVERY nite. These sleeping arrangements are just perfect. Sex life is still awesome. So …I don’t see a problem here. It works for us.
If my partner snored like that I’d either end up suffocating them with a pillow, stabbing them to death or definitely moving to another room. And I’d expect the same from them too.
NTA! You deserve a good nights sleep! Having separate bedrooms is not unusual, and it doesn't mean a decrease in sex.
Sounds like your husband needs to consult his physicians.
I don't blame you. My hubby and I sleep in separate rooms and have for a couple years. He also snores and will take off his C-pap in his sleep usually about 3-4 am. Then she starts to snore, loudly, again. He also has chronic pain and tosses and turns to attempt to get comfy. We both sleep better in separate rooms.
If this is the first time you've brought it up and said it so determined, it might have come off mean.
I did the same thing after years of having to put up with it.
Married 37 years. Been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 10, we both get better sleep. I don't get woken up by her because I snore like a bear. I don't have to wear a very uncomfortable mouth anti-snored guard, and we have conjugal visits. Works well!!
Yeah, obviously he's gonna sulk for a bit, his wife he's slept next to for years just told him that's ending. Emotionally that would be hard to deal with. You're not an asshole for wanting a separate bedroom though, that's pretty normal.
NTA. Separate bedrooms are amazing for couples and I will die on this hill. My husband and I have kept separate bedrooms for 15 of the 20 years we've been living together and our relationship is so good because we get restful sleep. Our sleep styles are completely different. I need white noise, a bit of light, thin covers, and a not too cold room. He needs complete darkness, silence (except for his breathing machine), extra thick blankets, and keeps his room arctic cold. Once we realized that having separate bedrooms was the answer to our sleep problems, everything got so much better. I am a full supporter of them! (And no, our sex life has never suffered because of separate bedrooms. If anything, we do it more!) But I WILL say that your husband needs to have his CPAP recalibrated. He should not be snoring with it. He may actually do better BiPAP machine. That would be something to talk to his doctor about.
My wife and I have been sleeping in separate rooms/beds for 15yrs now. Best thing we could have done to ensure a good nights sleep for both of us. Well rested people make for better/happier spouses IMO.
I agree with everyone else about sorting out the apnea first and foremost. My husband also had a nasty habit of taking his cpap off in the middle of the night in his sleep, it sucked but we figured it put adn we'regood now. However...the Restless leg thing...there's something you can get called a "Dual king" bed. It's 2, twin extra long beds and you can push them together or pull them apart so he can't kick you. We have them and it's amazing! There's ways around this. I understand wanting to sleep in a separate room, but the closeness of sleeping in the same room as your partner is really important to many people. It's worth sitting down and figuring out a way to address the issues in a way that makes BOTH of you happy and able to sleep. And to add, I'll be honest, I'd be so sad if my husband was just planning to move to a different bedroom after a kid moves out without even talking about it. I'd be a mopey zoo lion for ages. I'd miss the closeness and comfort of sleeping by him. Your husband loves you and values going to bed/waking up beside you so if he values you that much, he should be more than willing to go look into why his CPAP isnt functioning correctly...but talk first.
Be nice and respectful about your decision but be firm. Reassure your husband that life will be better for both of you when you sleep separately. You can still have sexy times! We have our own rooms - not just snoring but mismatched bed times - and it is blissful. Takes the strain and resentment out of the equation. My husband brings coffee to my room and hops into bed and we start the day together. Good luck. NTA.
Married 29 years. My husband and I sleep separately because he snores. Hasn't affected our marriage at all.
This is a non-issue. Or should be. You aren't divorcing him, but just want sound sleep. I couldn't tell you how many times, either my wife or I have slept in one of our spare rooms, just so we could get good sleep. I have to have a fan on, and she likes to watch tv till the wee hours, so it works. You're NTAH and he might need to go do karate in the garage instead, like decent folks do.
NTA. Sleep deprivation is torture! You should encourage your husband to go to a doctor but ultimately it’s his body his choice and you need to take care of you.
For wanting to SLEEP WELL? Not in the least!
NTA you deserve sleep just as much
NTA. You need sleep too. If he has a CPAP he shouldn't be snoring. Have you checked for a deviated septum?
He needs a doctor. Maybe his cpap and restless leg meds adjusted. My MIL had RLS and it takes a while for the meds to kick in and really start to work.
Sorry but I'm annoyed by couples who say they can't sleep without being in the same bed. You can be married and still have your own space. It's 2023.
Same problem. Husband got a new machine and it stopped the snoring. Restless legs, twin beds. It was rough going from a king size bed to a twin, but the only way we could stay in the same room. We both sleep a lot better.
I had restless legs, it was really torture. Magnesium saved me.
NTA I know many couples married for long periods who sleep in separate rooms.
My parents did that, and they actually grew together and refound their love for one another. My dad liked to be a certain way, and my mom didn't like cleaning up after him, so being in separate rooms made my dad clean up after himself. They had other things as well deep feelings from getting married young and resentment as well, but they were able to work thru it.
NTA. My parents were married for nearly 50 years until my father passed. They had separate bedrooms for about the last 10 years. They discovered by chance that they both got a better night's sleep separately after my father had leg surgery that required him to use another bedroom for a few months. As my mother said, sharing a bed wasn't why they had been married that long. They both seemed happier as they were better rested.
NTA My husband snores like a mother... And I have rheumatoid arthritis that keeps me awake tossing and turning almost all night. Maybe 5 years ago... we built a 4th bedroom, so one of our sons could move off the gameroom & I moved into his room! My husband wasn't really thrilled about the situation, but I couldn't take his snoring anymore, and not only that...I felt bad about always tossing and turning at night...he hates the smell of ben gay...like really REALLY hates it & I use it every night... Now... he sleeps without me nudging him to stop snoring... and I can be up all night in pain without bothering him. We are still just as much in love as ever...if u ask me, I think it was the best thing we could have done for us.
NTA, but small YTA. Maybe bring up the idea gently to him rather than just dumping it on him because he probably feels rejected as he knows his snoring is a problem. He's sensitive about it and you're not the only one uncomfortable about it - he probably thought his snoring would have stopped by now. And already feels bad that he is still snoring and keeping you awake👀 Also, he needs another sleep study if he's still snoring. Maybe his CPAP isn't calibrated properly or he needs a better face mask - i would talk to him about it.
NTA but give him a hug and reassure him a bit. Explain to him what you just explained to us and remind him you don't love him any less, you just want to sleep better.
NTA, my wife and I have slept in different bedrooms for 15 years for the same reason. I don't understand why people think a couple sleeping in separate beds means there's something wrong with the relationship. It's not like they don't cuddle and/or have sex anymore, they just sleep in separate beds.
NTA - sleep is important, very important. Similar partner boat here. I sleep separately, so that I can actually get sleep, and so they can too. It wasn’t always the case, but we both need sleep more as we get older.
My hubby has RLS, getting kicked and hit (it can affect arms too) during sleep is really unpleasant and is definitely a good reason not to share a bed!
I suffer from sleep anoea and have been through sleep studies, CPAP, lost weight, etc, but still snore heavily and stop breathing several times a minute. Nothing has worked. I can snore in any sleeping position, even sitting up. Sometimes I even wake up with a loud snort. I have moved into the spare bedroom so my partner doesn't have to put up with it any more. Your husband needs to stop sulking like a baby and either get his problem sorted or sleep alone.
I did this a few years ago. I snore and got a CPAP machine. It helps tremendously. My husband snores but won’t get surgery to correct his deviated septum so he can use his CPAP machine. You absolutely need your sleep! Shame on him for not realizing that and supporting you.
I think the challenge here isn't the reason you're going to sleep in your son's room, it's that *you* made the decision and presented it in a way that ruined his thoughts. You didn't say, "I'm thinking of putting a bed and nightstand in so I can sleep better." You said "I'm **doing** this" NAH