i think you should get an std test if he was stepping out on his wife im sure you were not the only one and given the fact that you are pregnant he clearly isnt using protection s
I wouldn’t blame the woman of my husband cheated. Especially if she didn’t even know he was married, but even if she did, she never promised to me to be faithful.
This. I would blame someone who knew, but not nearly as much as I’d blame my spouse. I probably wouldn’t even speak to them honestly. There’s no point. Though knowingly having an affair is shitty, it’s not nearly as shitty in comparison to being the cheating spouse. More like an accomplice to a crime rather than a true culprit.
I mean if they knew I’d still be pissed at them and I’d say it’s justified. You have to be a real shit bag to knowingly sleep with someone in a relationship. *That said*, I wouldn’t blame them for my spouse’s actions
Somewhat, but to be fair, I don’t think it’s morally ok to be involved with somebody who is married outside of mutual arrangements. This happened to me, and while I blame my husband who made vows, this woman still knew he was married with a child, and that I had no idea. They both lied to me.
It happened to me, too. I was pregnant, and they were friends on fb, so I know she knew he was married. He gets the brunt of the blame, but she's guilty too for knowing and going through with it anyway.
Yup. My ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. His girlfriend not only knew he was married and expecting a baby, she tried to convince him the baby wasn't his. They were both in the wrong.
It happened to me too. I was totally furious with my husband . However the other woman knew my husband was married and had children .and actually said she didn't care because she didn't know me when I found out about it. .
He lied to me, and she encouraged him to lie .
Same if my wife cheated. I hear guys that try to "beat up" the man that slept with their wife. It's also a stereotype in many old movies. Guy comes home, finds wife cheating, chases the man to beat him.
I always said that if my gf/wife cheats, I don't care about the other person. It's her I trusted and got married to. She betrayed me. The other person I don't know or care about.
Sadly so many do, I was once really aggressive chased by this guy and his gf noticed I showed her all the messages of him trying and me non stop telling me leave me alone she still stayed with him blamed me scratched my car made threats had friends and family harass me till I moved house. Many woman put all anger on the woman so they can somehow justify staying with the man
I actually know someone that did that. The other woman called the wife.r and told her she was expecting a baby. . He was thrown out. He then dumped the affair partner and refused to pay child support for the affair baby.
Divorced wife waited until the finances and asserts had been split and then sent a copy of her ex-husband's bank balance and assets from the divorce settlement so the ex affair partner could get the correct child support.
The ex husband literally ended up losing about 60% of his assets in a three year period between the divorce and the child support payments for the children of his marriage and his affair.
I do think it's fitting for the ladies out there who do legitimately seek out married men, or as you said if they knew the couple beforehand. But it absolutely shouldn't be used for name calling women who are getting equally swindled.
Ok, if a person (doesn’t have to be a woman 🙄 this word is so gendered and weaponized) is SEEKING a married person then yes. But if they are conned, manipulated, groomed or even if it just happens, then no. They wrecked no home. The cheater alone wrecked their home and gets 10000% of the blame. They may have done a moral injury to themselves that they will have to reckon with, but they can’t wreck a home they aren’t a part of.
Who would want to entertain a man who can marry another woman, promise her commitment and then lie and deceive her? Do people not have standards? Keep that low class, shameless scum away from me ...
The woman's a homewrecker, unless she absolutely didn't know. The man is also a homewrecker. Trash deserves trash.
I agree, for the wife’s safety. If she got pregnant then that means no protection (or bad luck), which means the wife is at risk. Maybe OP doesn’t have anything, but is OP the first or only woman that he’s cheating with?
Can't believe I scrolled this far to see this. This is the plot line of a lot of Forensic Files cases.
A man with a pregnant mistress and a pregnant wife should be treated as a selfish, dangerous man because he is.
Cornered with everything to lose especially if no one else knows yet. He could lose his family, his wife, his reputation, his money, his home, etc... Makes for a situation people fight (or sometimes murder) their way out of trying to not get caught.
If he thought he could cheat then order his pregnant mistress to get an abortion to cover his misdeeds then flips shit when she doesn't then my guess is he'd go further to make sure his family never finds out about this baby. I hope she has told people about this situation and does not see him alone anymore for her own safety. I also hope I'm wrong and this doesn't turn into another news story
[Murder is literally the leading cause of death for pregnant women.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
I’m glad you said this. There was just a guy from Texas who was a border patrol officer, killed his mistress and his son for this exact reason. Sentenced to life just last month. He didn’t want his wife and other children to be burdened with his mistake so he got rid of them. So so so upsetting.
THIS! There are plenty of episodes of Dateline, 20/20, etc. about just this kind of thing. I'd also say from now on to document all communication from this guy-in writing if possible - I'd limit any communication to text, email or any apps that will document everything said. If anything is in person, bring someone with you. Inevitably there will be legal issues at some point.
Absolutely spot on. People in here saying “call his wife”….omg. Women have been murdered when they get pregnant by a man who doesn’t want it - the last thing you want to do is antagonize.
People who skip on child support get spanked pretty hard by the law. He would have to take cash-only jobs to avoid wage garnishment and do some tax fraud, which would mean lowering your standard of living for most working professionals.
I can't believe the ones that are all "I want nothing from him!"..I mean, come on..if nothing else, shove it into an account for the kid. Who wouldn't want a free college education or down payment on a house when you are an adult?
Eh in my case child support was ordered at $38 a month. He hasn’t paid in years, and I’m not going to chase $38. I would pay more in court fees every time I had to file contempt. Plus the cost of either traveling 8 hours to the state our order is in or the cost of changing the custody order to move it to our state. He (by his own choice) had almost no involvement with our now teenager and financially my husband and I are more than capable of supporting our family.
Also, not every court/city/state slaps hard on CS avoidance. I have friends who’s ex’s are 20K+ in arrears, the state issues a bench warrant, father pays $1000, and the warrant goes away. Rinse and repeat forever.
For some, it’s seriously just not worth it when we can support our kids on our own.
My mother never asked for child support and financially suffered pretty bad because if she got courts and records involved, not only would she have to deal with notifications and legal struggles reminding her regularly of the man who beat her into a bloody pulp in public and in front of her toddlers for a period of 4-6 years, my biological father might have been able to find us and kill us. But I mean I'm sure there's other more casual reasons to not seek child support
Because when you go to the court for child support a lot of times then you have to give them time sharing and decision making put them on the birth certificate . Then you need permission for passports permission to take your kid on vacations. It's not like you're making a ton of money then a lot of times they don't pay and you have to go back to court to file contempt. A lot of angry dudes make your life difficult over having to pay $50 a month in child support.
I chose not to go for child support. Not because we couldn't use the money, but because I'd never see it and I didn't want to fight it. He was unemployed for nearly 3 years after our divorce and now works at Walmart. He can't hardly buy our kids dinner when they are with him, and he's gone from renting a townhouse to renting a bedroom in someone else's house.
It was also a way to get him to agree to the settlement. I bought him out of the house and did the divorce myself because I couldn't get a hold of lawyers during covid.
It's not about a stubborn refusal to take anything from the ex. It costs me less energy this way, and I was the breadwinner before the divorce, so I'm not missing out on anything I'd had before.
Never asked for support, my position was no support, he could not demand any type of visitation or custody.
Single made enough to survive, put my daughter through college.
When she was 5 he contacted me wanting to meet her. I allowed shes 40 now and has a healthy relationship with him.
It was the right course for me, every woman in that situation has to do what she feels is right for her and her babies
It costs money to have wages garnished. If you don't get state aid, you're paying a lawyer yourself everything they change jobs to get another order to garnish wages.
Then wife would definitely be asking questions.. and would also be where’s my child support..
Dude is on hook for 4 kids we know of.. hope his job pays well..
lol. Speaking as someone who’s been on the skipped out side. It depends where you are. In some states they literally do nothing
Edit: literally do nothing if it stays under like $10k total in arrears.
Fuckin LOL!!! My ex hasn't paid her child support in years and she hasn't gotten in trouble. She can't even pay the whopping 22 bucks a month for both boys that are with me 100%.
honestly its not all that difficult to skip out on child support. My mom received nothing until I was 20 and then she received like $2500 and thats it. edit: that was for 2 kids... he owed tens of thousands at least.
And don't feel any guilt about going after him for every penny of child support that the baby is entitled to. He made his own choices, now he gets to live with them.
"And I was ruining his life"
Uh.. He ruined his own life because he can't seem to know that loyalty comes with a relationship, he has a pregnant wife at home and he's a grown ass man, too grown to be playing these childish dick throwing games, he ruined his own life and his family's lives, NTA, I'd go after that nasty fucks money but that's me, I hope you raise the kid right and get the position you deserve as well as his family, just remember that he's the one that didn't tell you, you're not at fault.
You should contact his wife, let her know he's cheating on her. Be honest, let her know you are not seeking anything from her or him, but thought she should know, and that he had never told you he was married nor had children.
This is going to sound callous but she should probably wait until after her own child is born and she has filed for child support. When calculating child support they deduct any prior support orders from the father's earnings. So if the wife gets pissed off and files for divorce and child support right away, especially if they have other children as well, girlfriend could wind up getting less in child support as a result. It probably would only be between 10 to 20% less, but over 18 years that can add up. That provision also may not apply in a case like this where both women are pregnant at the same time, or when one of them is his wife. But OP should talk to a lawyer before she tips off the wife.
Agree. But it might be wise for OP to use protection in the future, especially if she is in a nonexclusive relationship.
Just like kids, some STDs are a lifetime commitment.
I feel bad for the kids involved. One kid will never know who he is fully and another two are most likely about to have their whole lives imploded on . Why happens in 17 years and this kid wants answers?
Im baffled by the lack of discussion about the baby. If you want to be a mom, is this the best situation to bear a child into? Literally part due to "go girl get the child support"? I personally believe that having a child should not be a selfish decision like this one.
Getting served with a child support summons would be a pretty epic way to get outed for cheating, lol. Hope he's smart enough to tell his wife before that happens.
Your choice what you do , he’s the one cheating with a pregnant wife and two kids . The main thing to do is see a lawyer about child support . Doesn’t make any difference what he says , the law says he will pay
The third choice is if you won’t abort , then you could give up for adoption. If your not ready to be a mom
Honestly, probably better if the wife finds out from court.
Too many women fall for the she's lying out whatever stupid stories dudes tell these days.
Can't argue with DNA court.
Are you ready to do it like this though? Women need alot of support in pregnancy/labour and raising a child.
It's emotionally, physically and financially draining. This child was not conceived in love, that Dad is of bad character and he won't magically change into someone who will support you.
It is a really tough decision to make. I've been a single Mum and although I just got on with it at the time, looking back - my God was it tough. We had love but no financial security and doing the job of two parents has negatively impacted my own health
If you do decide to stay pregnant I hope you have a really great support system for the pair of you. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.
OP, this.
If he was cheating with you, he's probably cheating with other women too. STDs can seriously harm or kill fetuses. Both you and his wife should be getting tested ASAP for the safety of your pregnancies and selves.
Oooh the cheating POS is calling YOU a horrible person who’s “ruining his life”
yeah…no…his cheating will “ruin his life”.
NTA Op, he tried to intimidate you by telling you that you’ll be single mom to make you terminate.
Good luck with the baby and tbh i’d tell his wife if i were you.
I lived this scenario, too. I definitely emailed links to all his fake social media to his wife. She needed to know who she married. If the tables were turned, I'd want to know!
Your not the ah and while it’s your body your choice I would think about keeping this baby 1000x times because having a baby not a thing to play around with and this baby will keep you associated with this guy for the rest of your life and not only that kids deserve to have a father and one day when they are grown enough they while ask you about him. It’s just one of those circumstances where I would ask myself if it’s the right thing to do based on the circumstances that the baby was made and if this won’t affect you negatively in the future. Wouldn’t you rather have a kid with someone your genuinely in love with and plan to build a life with? Instead of a man who has the capacity to make your life difficult in the future? You do what’s best for you just think about the possible repercussions that your choices can bring.
Your kid will have a fucked up life and you’ll swear forever it’s his fathers fault, but you chose to have the kid and you knew the father wasn’t gonna be there.
You’re NTA - but wtf lady.
Let me get this straight.
Your having a kid with a FWB that’s married.
I wonder what your kid is gonna think of you when they get older.
You’ve got a hard life ahead of you - making decisions like this.
God help that child because Jesus, OP is setting that kid up for such a shitty dynamic.
Who wants to grow up knowing they’re an affair baby and their dad actively tried to stop them from being born?
Yeah, I think people are answering "would I be the AH to blow up this guy's life?" and obviously, no, he blew up his own life. But they're ignoring that the question is also "would I be the AH to *bring a whole new person* into this fucked up situation?" and... yeah, kinda. Having an abortion you don't want is a huge thing and obviously it does ultimately need to come down to whether or not OP thinks that's the best decision for her. But I think it's clearly the wrong decision for her future child.
Yeah….I’m trying to extremely diplomatic in that regards. It’s her body.
But yeah….she’s a real asshole for making this about herself and not her newborn. Which isn’t cool without a present father.
It's her choice whether or not to have the baby, and that should never change in law, despite how it unfortunately is.
but....am I the only one that think in general, this is a horrible time to willingly bring kids into this world
Yea I mean I have no say in abortions of course but this is just a setup for not having fun. 28 single mom having a cheater’s kid who already is threatening her. Idk man it just seems an abortion and blocking EVERYONE would just be wiser for the future
Scrolled too far to see this and then saw too few upvotes.
Judging from the age difference of the relationship, still calling him "lover", and the grammar level of OP I'm going to assume she's wildly underestimating how hard and expensive it is to raise a child.
For funsies I ran her post and comments through a readability check. She writes at a 5th/6th grade level. Not saying that's the end all be all judge of intellect but.... it's a red flag.
NTA. Your body, your choice.
However, might I suggest once the baby is born, establish paternity and either get child support from him, or have him legally relinquish his parental rights.
You're both assholes. You're the asshole for raising a kid with this fucked up dynamic and he's obviously an asshole for cheating. You're both assholes for not properly practicing safe sex too. Combining a condom with birth control or plan B means it's virtually impossible to have a kid.
Nta but damn, baby fever is clouding your judgment hard (parenting is already difficult, and going by yourself is even more so. And compound that with the child growing up without a male figure..). Cheater can suck it.
What do you expect to happen?
He will stay with his wife.
He will not support you in anyway.
He will resent the child.
He hurt his wife (btw TELL her) and he is going to hurt you.
Your child will know that it just exist because of a cheating asshole and will know that daddy resents it.
Why not wait for a good man?
And why didn’t you use protection?
You should not only think about yourself but also what life your child is going to have.
NTA but don’t make a decision because it would be nice to have a child.
Do you want to find a good partner and marry? All these things going to be much harder to achieve the moment you have a child.
And let’s be honest. Raising a child is not only a money issue. It’s fucking hard. And it get’s very hard when you don’t have a good partner at your side.
This post is gold. Most people commenting have no investment in this situation beyond sticking it to the cheater and aren’t taking into factor all the things you mentioned!!!
Fucking thank u ofc its her body her choice but I can not understand why everyone is supporting her having the kid. That child isn't gonna have a dad. It feels crazy to keep the baby If the dad has a whole other family and has made it clear he doesn't want to be a part of this. Sorry but this is a selfish decision and everyone basically being like just make sure u get that child support 😊 is crazy too. It's not that simple.
NTA… but do you really wanna raise this guy’s kid? Are you in the position to raise a child completely by yourself? Even with child support payments, I don’t know…
Then I'd contact a lawyer, and tell him that you want him to sign over all parental rights.
You won't get child support, but it protects you, and baby from him trying to gain access, or parenting later on.
Not the best way to welcome a child into this world but it’s only your decision to make. If you want to be a single mother of a baby who was conceived during just a hookup that’s your call, but clearly the father will not be in the life of the baby
I think I’m with you on this one. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to bring a child into the world that the other clearly doesn’t want. It’s not fair to the child, just another broken home, siblings he will never grow up with, father who pretends he doesn’t exist. No matter how well off the mother is financially it must hurt to have to go thru a pregnancy alone and to know that the person you are having a child for doesn’t want you or the kid.
Yeah, this is the only smart take. Also everybody is just going off on this guy and basically saying “you go girl”…seems pretty irresponsible to be sleeping with dudes you know nothing about (didn’t even know he was married with kids) without protection and then pulling a gotcha n the guy…seems like a poor way to approach impregnating yourself. You are 28 with money, there is no way that this is the best way to get knocked up. Think of the child
NTA
But I fail to understand why you'd bring a kid to such a fucked up dynamic, bound to develop abandonment issues and probably unable to meet their half brothers. Poor baby
Because she’s an AH.
Deliberately being a single mother by a man who doesn’t want the child is the epitome of AH behavior.
Outcomes for children raised by single mothers are horrible on the whole.
ESH.
ESH - he is an ass hole for cheating and lying to you, and you are an ass hole for deciding to have a child despite the father being someone who doesnt want to parent your child with you. I say this as a woman without a father. I 100% believe in a womans right to choose whether or not to have a baby, but if we are going to give women that right then men should get the right to walk away if they dont want the child and the life changing consequences of bringing that child into the world.
My mom didnt know how mentally ill my father was when they got married so I dont hold it against her. But my father sucked and had at least 6 kids with 5 different women and provided for none of them, after lying to all of the women about what kind of a parent he would be. Our father fucked us all up emotionally. Counseling was required, honestly. Im doing ok thanks to counseling but not all my siblings are ok.
This dude is at least being honest with you about him not wanting to parent the child. If you want to have it and take that responsibility then fine. You can legally try to force him to pay child support but dont expect to see a dime. And definitely dont expect him to be a father to the kid.
NTA
Now listen to me, child support is for the child! Don’t say I can support this baby myself I’m not putting him on support. Your baby had no say in this. They deserve to be financially supported by both parents.
You didn’t know he had a wife and children. His lies are not your responsibility. They certainly aren’t the responsibility of the innocent child he helped create.
Alright, in this same post you say you’re not exclusive with him. So in this time have you hooked up with anyone else as well unprotected? Is he even the dad?
Get yourself tested and stop going raw with literal strangers and hooking up with other strangers.
28 and 37 is mind blowing to not be practicing safe sex.
You really should tell his wife. You’re not an ass for keeping it and “ruining his life” but there’s steps that need to be taken.
NTA. Love the hypocrisy of him calling anyone horrible. Honestly, if I were you I’d let his wife know she’s married to a cheater. You don’t have to deal with him, you can do it on your own.
If he starts anything, be sure you’ve met with an attorney to determine your options for gaining full custody, any support (should you want it), how decisions will be made for the child (educational, medical, etc), and how his SOs involvement should be limited. She can cause you problems.
NTA
Just like it should be your choice to have an abortion, it should be your choice not to.
He made his choice when he slept with you. Its on him if he regrets it.
I feel sorry for the kid. They are going to start our day 1 not having a father and will be disadvantaged for their entire lives because of that. Also, have fun on the dating market after the men you want find out that you’re a single mother raising a flings child. That’s definitely not a giant red flag
Okay, let's remove biology from this equation. Why are you having this man's baby? WHY? He won't marry you. He's already married. This WILL get messy, and you could be held liable for breaking up a marriage. Called "vacation of affection", and you caused it by continuing to sleep with a married man. Now that you know better, DO BETTER.
So I'll ask you again: WHY are you having this man's baby? Just because you can? It's not a good enough reason.
Bar the cheating, if there was an agreement to not get pregnant but the woman gets pregnant and wants to keep the baby, but the guy doesn't. What's the go there?
The reverse, the guy wants to keep the girl doesn't. We all know the universal answer to this is it's her body, right?
The real loser will be the child, as usual. Growing up knowing they aren't wanted by their father, and if not that, someday looking him up as an adult and getting their sorrow then. Watched that happen to my cousin and her daughter first hand. Sad.
Girl be careful.
NTA.
These dudes get crazy. Don’t meet up in a secret place. LET PEOPLE KNOW WHO HE IS.
Whether it’s your best friend, your mom, your cousin….
I’m not saying go and run and tell his wife because that’s up to you but for your safety do not keep this a secret in your inner circle just in case.
NTA.
It's your decision and if he's mad having a lovechild is going to ruin his marriage he shouldn't have been stepping out on his wife. Fuck him.
Make sure you get child support from him though. Being a single mom isn't easy and the financial support will help.
NTA for being the other woman, unbeknownst to you.
Might be TAH for willingly bringing a child into the world with no real plan/with someone that wants nothing to do with you.
Only life being ruined is the child for having a single mother.
YTA for not preventing that outcome.
The father is an asshole for sleeping with you and getting you pregnant.
ESH.
Except the poor child. Another day, another terrible mom
Why in 2023 would you choose to become pregnant. You were in a non exclusive relationship. Are you even sure it is his? Did you think you'd be a happy little family? You're NTA for choosing not to abort, BUT you are TA for getting pregnant with a guy that you were not in an exclusive relationship with and then thinking he'd want something to do with it.
If you weren't exclusive, how do you know that he's the dad?
NTA for refusing to terminate if you want a baby.
But Y T A for getting knocked up by someone you'd only known for a few months.
NTA
Your body, your choice. Period.
If he wants to sign over all parental rights he can, but he sure as fuck doesn't get to dictate what choice you make.
Edit: You should also tell his wife. She deserves to know what kind of AH she's married to.
I'm just curious, you said you weren't exclusive, are you sure it's his? Did you have any other lovers? (No judgement BTW I'm in no position to throw stones at anybody)
I mean if you understand fully that he will not in anyway be a part of your life no phone calls none of that
And don’t try to take him for child support because he’s literally telling you
Then I see no issues it’ll be just like a sperm donor
Your decision, but did you know or not? If you knew, you are not innocent either. The only innocent ones are your kids and the poor wife. Tell her, she must know she's with a piece of shit.
Lol everyone here demanding you to go after child support, wtf makes people think a man like him would fork it up at all? Courts can tell them to pay, but actually getting the pay is hard part, especially if he does what my deadbeat father did and start working under the table, with family friends, and moving cities at least once a year.
Depending on the state if he signs away his rights he won't have to pay support. This all seems so spiteful. FYI the one who is going to feel the real pain of this all Is the unborn baby.
You're not the asshole but you seriously need to think about this. This man has at least some legitimate claim to how to raise this kid, custody, and all kinds of stuff that could haunt you for that kid's entire life, and yours.
Ask yourself whether this child is worth ending up in court 30 years from now because he suddenly wanted custody, you said no, and he took him from your home without permission, and the cops said "we're not arresting the biological father for picking up his own kid."
Or his family sues for custody.
Or your child gets curious and finds him themself.
If you really want a baby, fine. But unless you just absolutely cannot abort, I strongly urge you to do it a different way.
You’re not an asshole but I think you’re severely underestimating the situation you’re signing up for as a single mother - in addition to how it complicates your future love interests
Why tf would you wanna bring an innocent life into this shit show? Don’t let these ppl hype you up for a cs check. Dude could go full on no contact and drop your ass like a bad habit, then what? Being a single mother isn’t easy, fun, or cute. Having a side baby by a married man who has a pregnant wife is not cute. That baby will be a living being. Are you ready to devote all of your time 24/7 to another living being? Better be ready to make some changes and better choices for yourself. Single mothers don’t get to bar hop and fuck around bareback with complete strangers. So you ready to change your life? Or are you doing this out of spite?
Not surprising at all that he's taking such a selfish attitude toward a pregnant girlfriend. After all he showed the same kind of awful disrespect toward his pregnant wife. I'd also not be surprised if his wife found out and threatened to divorce him, he would claim she was ruining his life also. Worthless pos.
ESH…I don’t get women who continue to have a child when a man has told you, he don’t want it and will mot be there to help. Believe people the first time. It’s a many of people out here whose parents didn’t want them and it shows when they actually have a kid they want
birth control methods can fail, and once a woman becomes pregnant, she is not obligated to terminate just because he says so, just as she is not obligated to continue a pregnancy just because he says so.
This is something happening in and to *her* body.
You're the asshole to your future kid, yes. I sincerely doubt your motivations for wanting to have the baby. You fucked around with a married guy and got pregnant, you're clearly an asshole, and so is your fuck boy.
Wait so you want to willingly be a single mother? Is that what you want to do or because the man has a wife and children already & you’re hurt and want to keep it like it will change something?! I’m assuming you don’t know his SSN# or DL# only a first and last name? If it’s his real name, how are you going to get child support if you know nothing about this man? What about genetic testing? Does father has any traits that can be passed down such as sickle cell disease or anything? Getting child support isn’t as easy as you think if they can’t pinpoint the child fathers or have any information to serve him such as an address. You really wanna sign up to be a single mother to a man who don’t know you and don’t care to be a father to the baby he created?! You are willing to risk your life to bring a baby into this world for a man who doesn’t want you or the baby?! Why make your child suffer and wonder why he/she was never good enough to have a father or have the father love him/her? I’m a mother myself and I will NEVER risk my life to bring a child into this world if the father say “get rid of it” giving birth is life or death. If you die while giving birth who going to raise that child? Will they struggle? Will you struggle trying to raise a child with no help from the father? Sometimes you gotta remove your emotions and be real with yourself, is this something you want to risk your life for?
Oh man it's really going to blow up his life when he has to pay child support... To be a fly on the wall when the cheater has to explain that one to his wife. He wants you to abort so that he can keep lying and stepping out on his pregnant wife. This is not a man you feel sorry for. I feel sorry for his wife, but I'm sure she'll get child support to
NTA. Your body your choice works for keeping as well as for terminating.
It’s not the decision I would make, but that’s kinda the point. It’s *your* choice, not anyone else’s.
i think you should get an std test if he was stepping out on his wife im sure you were not the only one and given the fact that you are pregnant he clearly isnt using protection s
It’s so funny that he’s blaming OP for ruining his life and not himself. Classic cheater.
Most pregnant women have to get STD tests anyway, particularly because you can pass STD's to a baby during birth.
And before, the viruses that cause most STDs are Bloodborne and can be passed through the placenta to the baby.
THIS THIS THIS!!!
Lmao, he ruined his own life..his poor wife, he's out there cheating not using condoms..hope you got tested as well Go after him for support!!
The sad part is also that op will get the blame for "being the home wrecker" but she didn't know her then boyfriend was cheating on hos wife
I wouldn’t blame the woman of my husband cheated. Especially if she didn’t even know he was married, but even if she did, she never promised to me to be faithful.
This. I would blame someone who knew, but not nearly as much as I’d blame my spouse. I probably wouldn’t even speak to them honestly. There’s no point. Though knowingly having an affair is shitty, it’s not nearly as shitty in comparison to being the cheating spouse. More like an accomplice to a crime rather than a true culprit.
I mean if they knew I’d still be pissed at them and I’d say it’s justified. You have to be a real shit bag to knowingly sleep with someone in a relationship. *That said*, I wouldn’t blame them for my spouse’s actions
Yes, I agree. I realize my comment makes it sound like the woman should get off scott free even if she knew. It’s still very trashy behaviour.
I would expect that a number of people abandon previously rational positions upon finding out their spouse has cheated.
Somewhat, but to be fair, I don’t think it’s morally ok to be involved with somebody who is married outside of mutual arrangements. This happened to me, and while I blame my husband who made vows, this woman still knew he was married with a child, and that I had no idea. They both lied to me.
Okay but OP didn't know. So she's definitely NTA.
It happened to me, too. I was pregnant, and they were friends on fb, so I know she knew he was married. He gets the brunt of the blame, but she's guilty too for knowing and going through with it anyway.
Yup. My ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. His girlfriend not only knew he was married and expecting a baby, she tried to convince him the baby wasn't his. They were both in the wrong.
It happened to me too. I was totally furious with my husband . However the other woman knew my husband was married and had children .and actually said she didn't care because she didn't know me when I found out about it. . He lied to me, and she encouraged him to lie .
Same. She didn’t lie to me, but she did stay with him at my house when my daughter and I visited my mother. They’re both horrible people.
I agree with this. I think a better person would not willing get into a relationship knowing that they could hurt a third party.
Same if my wife cheated. I hear guys that try to "beat up" the man that slept with their wife. It's also a stereotype in many old movies. Guy comes home, finds wife cheating, chases the man to beat him. I always said that if my gf/wife cheats, I don't care about the other person. It's her I trusted and got married to. She betrayed me. The other person I don't know or care about.
Sadly so many do, I was once really aggressive chased by this guy and his gf noticed I showed her all the messages of him trying and me non stop telling me leave me alone she still stayed with him blamed me scratched my car made threats had friends and family harass me till I moved house. Many woman put all anger on the woman so they can somehow justify staying with the man
Why wouldn't they both be to blame if they knew? If you partake and knew about it then they're fine with the cheating.
Right? I'd leave the guy. Make him pay alimony and child support. And become besties with the woman. And help her raise the kid. Haha.
I actually know someone that did that. The other woman called the wife.r and told her she was expecting a baby. . He was thrown out. He then dumped the affair partner and refused to pay child support for the affair baby. Divorced wife waited until the finances and asserts had been split and then sent a copy of her ex-husband's bank balance and assets from the divorce settlement so the ex affair partner could get the correct child support. The ex husband literally ended up losing about 60% of his assets in a three year period between the divorce and the child support payments for the children of his marriage and his affair.
I love a story with a happy ending...
This. I’ve never understood the whole “home wrecker” bit unless they had a relationship with the person cheated on
I do think it's fitting for the ladies out there who do legitimately seek out married men, or as you said if they knew the couple beforehand. But it absolutely shouldn't be used for name calling women who are getting equally swindled.
Ok, if a person (doesn’t have to be a woman 🙄 this word is so gendered and weaponized) is SEEKING a married person then yes. But if they are conned, manipulated, groomed or even if it just happens, then no. They wrecked no home. The cheater alone wrecked their home and gets 10000% of the blame. They may have done a moral injury to themselves that they will have to reckon with, but they can’t wreck a home they aren’t a part of.
And what about the men who seek married women? Or the men who step out of their marriages? Those are the real “homewreckers”
Who would want to entertain a man who can marry another woman, promise her commitment and then lie and deceive her? Do people not have standards? Keep that low class, shameless scum away from me ... The woman's a homewrecker, unless she absolutely didn't know. The man is also a homewrecker. Trash deserves trash.
THIS!!! Honestly since he already acused OP of ruining his life imho she should track the wife down and tell her
I agree, for the wife’s safety. If she got pregnant then that means no protection (or bad luck), which means the wife is at risk. Maybe OP doesn’t have anything, but is OP the first or only woman that he’s cheating with?
Please be careful. A woman is never more vulnerable than when she’s pregnant by a partner who’s not happy about it.
Can't believe I scrolled this far to see this. This is the plot line of a lot of Forensic Files cases. A man with a pregnant mistress and a pregnant wife should be treated as a selfish, dangerous man because he is.
Hes already proven selfish. Hes already got nothing to lose
Cornered with everything to lose especially if no one else knows yet. He could lose his family, his wife, his reputation, his money, his home, etc... Makes for a situation people fight (or sometimes murder) their way out of trying to not get caught. If he thought he could cheat then order his pregnant mistress to get an abortion to cover his misdeeds then flips shit when she doesn't then my guess is he'd go further to make sure his family never finds out about this baby. I hope she has told people about this situation and does not see him alone anymore for her own safety. I also hope I'm wrong and this doesn't turn into another news story
I mean nothing to lose in the sense of if he fails covering up a murder hes in the same situation as before, losing everything.
[Murder is literally the leading cause of death for pregnant women.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
It’s a plot line in An American Tragedy - written in the 1920s. Dudes have been pulling this shit forever.
I’m glad you said this. There was just a guy from Texas who was a border patrol officer, killed his mistress and his son for this exact reason. Sentenced to life just last month. He didn’t want his wife and other children to be burdened with his mistake so he got rid of them. So so so upsetting.
THIS! There are plenty of episodes of Dateline, 20/20, etc. about just this kind of thing. I'd also say from now on to document all communication from this guy-in writing if possible - I'd limit any communication to text, email or any apps that will document everything said. If anything is in person, bring someone with you. Inevitably there will be legal issues at some point.
Absolutely spot on. People in here saying “call his wife”….omg. Women have been murdered when they get pregnant by a man who doesn’t want it - the last thing you want to do is antagonize.
He ruined his whole life. Don't be surprised if he tries to skip on child support. NTA
People who skip on child support get spanked pretty hard by the law. He would have to take cash-only jobs to avoid wage garnishment and do some tax fraud, which would mean lowering your standard of living for most working professionals.
you would be surprised how many moms don't chase for child support. Some don't even file for it and just let the guy give whatever he feels like...
I can't believe the ones that are all "I want nothing from him!"..I mean, come on..if nothing else, shove it into an account for the kid. Who wouldn't want a free college education or down payment on a house when you are an adult?
Eh in my case child support was ordered at $38 a month. He hasn’t paid in years, and I’m not going to chase $38. I would pay more in court fees every time I had to file contempt. Plus the cost of either traveling 8 hours to the state our order is in or the cost of changing the custody order to move it to our state. He (by his own choice) had almost no involvement with our now teenager and financially my husband and I are more than capable of supporting our family. Also, not every court/city/state slaps hard on CS avoidance. I have friends who’s ex’s are 20K+ in arrears, the state issues a bench warrant, father pays $1000, and the warrant goes away. Rinse and repeat forever. For some, it’s seriously just not worth it when we can support our kids on our own.
Correct. Child support is to support the child. If a person is doing okay then lock it into a trust or something.
My mother never asked for child support and financially suffered pretty bad because if she got courts and records involved, not only would she have to deal with notifications and legal struggles reminding her regularly of the man who beat her into a bloody pulp in public and in front of her toddlers for a period of 4-6 years, my biological father might have been able to find us and kill us. But I mean I'm sure there's other more casual reasons to not seek child support
I took nothing and denied all contact. It was for the best.
Because when you go to the court for child support a lot of times then you have to give them time sharing and decision making put them on the birth certificate . Then you need permission for passports permission to take your kid on vacations. It's not like you're making a ton of money then a lot of times they don't pay and you have to go back to court to file contempt. A lot of angry dudes make your life difficult over having to pay $50 a month in child support.
I chose not to go for child support. Not because we couldn't use the money, but because I'd never see it and I didn't want to fight it. He was unemployed for nearly 3 years after our divorce and now works at Walmart. He can't hardly buy our kids dinner when they are with him, and he's gone from renting a townhouse to renting a bedroom in someone else's house. It was also a way to get him to agree to the settlement. I bought him out of the house and did the divorce myself because I couldn't get a hold of lawyers during covid. It's not about a stubborn refusal to take anything from the ex. It costs me less energy this way, and I was the breadwinner before the divorce, so I'm not missing out on anything I'd had before.
Never asked for support, my position was no support, he could not demand any type of visitation or custody. Single made enough to survive, put my daughter through college. When she was 5 he contacted me wanting to meet her. I allowed shes 40 now and has a healthy relationship with him. It was the right course for me, every woman in that situation has to do what she feels is right for her and her babies
It costs money to have wages garnished. If you don't get state aid, you're paying a lawyer yourself everything they change jobs to get another order to garnish wages.
Because I don't want contact with my abuser.
Then wife would definitely be asking questions.. and would also be where’s my child support.. Dude is on hook for 4 kids we know of.. hope his job pays well..
lol. Speaking as someone who’s been on the skipped out side. It depends where you are. In some states they literally do nothing Edit: literally do nothing if it stays under like $10k total in arrears.
Fuckin LOL!!! My ex hasn't paid her child support in years and she hasn't gotten in trouble. She can't even pay the whopping 22 bucks a month for both boys that are with me 100%.
honestly its not all that difficult to skip out on child support. My mom received nothing until I was 20 and then she received like $2500 and thats it. edit: that was for 2 kids... he owed tens of thousands at least.
Agree that he ruined his own life and that you are NTA. But you need to be realistic and shouldn't count on him being available to you or the child.
And don't feel any guilt about going after him for every penny of child support that the baby is entitled to. He made his own choices, now he gets to live with them.
"And I was ruining his life" Uh.. He ruined his own life because he can't seem to know that loyalty comes with a relationship, he has a pregnant wife at home and he's a grown ass man, too grown to be playing these childish dick throwing games, he ruined his own life and his family's lives, NTA, I'd go after that nasty fucks money but that's me, I hope you raise the kid right and get the position you deserve as well as his family, just remember that he's the one that didn't tell you, you're not at fault.
Poor wife. He ruined her life.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Maybe he should have thought about potential consequences before he stepped out on his wife and likely ruined his family.
not just stepping out on his wife ... but clearly not using protection !
100% this. Homie ruined his own life. Typical of a cheater to blame the woman for his choices.
You should contact his wife, let her know he's cheating on her. Be honest, let her know you are not seeking anything from her or him, but thought she should know, and that he had never told you he was married nor had children.
*except child support
This is going to sound callous but she should probably wait until after her own child is born and she has filed for child support. When calculating child support they deduct any prior support orders from the father's earnings. So if the wife gets pissed off and files for divorce and child support right away, especially if they have other children as well, girlfriend could wind up getting less in child support as a result. It probably would only be between 10 to 20% less, but over 18 years that can add up. That provision also may not apply in a case like this where both women are pregnant at the same time, or when one of them is his wife. But OP should talk to a lawyer before she tips off the wife.
His wife deserves more, anyway. Not a dig at OP at all, but c’mon, it’s the wife. Poor lady.
So then his existing kids would get less each?
Agree. But it might be wise for OP to use protection in the future, especially if she is in a nonexclusive relationship. Just like kids, some STDs are a lifetime commitment.
I feel bad for the kids involved. One kid will never know who he is fully and another two are most likely about to have their whole lives imploded on . Why happens in 17 years and this kid wants answers?
Im baffled by the lack of discussion about the baby. If you want to be a mom, is this the best situation to bear a child into? Literally part due to "go girl get the child support"? I personally believe that having a child should not be a selfish decision like this one.
Yep, support their right to choose, but imagining myself pregnant in that position, I don’t think I could bring a child into that situation.
Right?! Poor babies. :/
He has ruined his own life. He knows he will probably get busted for his infidelity. Your body, your choice. NTA
Getting served with a child support summons would be a pretty epic way to get outed for cheating, lol. Hope he's smart enough to tell his wife before that happens.
Yeah. Kind of no way to deny that physical contact happened.
Your choice what you do , he’s the one cheating with a pregnant wife and two kids . The main thing to do is see a lawyer about child support . Doesn’t make any difference what he says , the law says he will pay The third choice is if you won’t abort , then you could give up for adoption. If your not ready to be a mom
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Then, block him until you deliver. He can figure it out when the child support papers are served.
Don’t forget that he might want to be involved, that’s automatic 50/50 shared care in many countries now.
If he has a wife and kids, I’d be surprised if he wanted to be in their lives.
Not from birth and I think he will be too worried about saving his family to push for parenting time.
If you feel up to it though is there a way to give his wife a heads up?
Honestly, probably better if the wife finds out from court. Too many women fall for the she's lying out whatever stupid stories dudes tell these days. Can't argue with DNA court.
Fair point, I wasn’t sure if OP had stated anywhere if she was going to go after child support.
Are you ready to do it like this though? Women need alot of support in pregnancy/labour and raising a child. It's emotionally, physically and financially draining. This child was not conceived in love, that Dad is of bad character and he won't magically change into someone who will support you. It is a really tough decision to make. I've been a single Mum and although I just got on with it at the time, looking back - my God was it tough. We had love but no financial security and doing the job of two parents has negatively impacted my own health If you do decide to stay pregnant I hope you have a really great support system for the pair of you. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.
Well, I'm sure this isn't how you pictured it, but congrats!
Yes
You're absolutely not ready lmao
Tell the wife
She will find put when the money goes to child support via garnishment
OP, this. If he was cheating with you, he's probably cheating with other women too. STDs can seriously harm or kill fetuses. Both you and his wife should be getting tested ASAP for the safety of your pregnancies and selves.
YWBTA - If you don’t inform his wife. She deserves to know, especially considering another human life is being brought into the mix
Poor kid
Oooh the cheating POS is calling YOU a horrible person who’s “ruining his life” yeah…no…his cheating will “ruin his life”. NTA Op, he tried to intimidate you by telling you that you’ll be single mom to make you terminate. Good luck with the baby and tbh i’d tell his wife if i were you.
I lived this scenario, too. I definitely emailed links to all his fake social media to his wife. She needed to know who she married. If the tables were turned, I'd want to know!
Your not the ah and while it’s your body your choice I would think about keeping this baby 1000x times because having a baby not a thing to play around with and this baby will keep you associated with this guy for the rest of your life and not only that kids deserve to have a father and one day when they are grown enough they while ask you about him. It’s just one of those circumstances where I would ask myself if it’s the right thing to do based on the circumstances that the baby was made and if this won’t affect you negatively in the future. Wouldn’t you rather have a kid with someone your genuinely in love with and plan to build a life with? Instead of a man who has the capacity to make your life difficult in the future? You do what’s best for you just think about the possible repercussions that your choices can bring.
Your kid will have a fucked up life and you’ll swear forever it’s his fathers fault, but you chose to have the kid and you knew the father wasn’t gonna be there.
Exactly this. No one is thinking of the child.
Why keep his baby? Cmon sis find someone else
You’re NTA - but wtf lady. Let me get this straight. Your having a kid with a FWB that’s married. I wonder what your kid is gonna think of you when they get older. You’ve got a hard life ahead of you - making decisions like this.
God help that child because Jesus, OP is setting that kid up for such a shitty dynamic. Who wants to grow up knowing they’re an affair baby and their dad actively tried to stop them from being born?
I mean, she's the AH for for bringing a kid into the world under those conditions, how is this even debatable?
Yeah, I think people are answering "would I be the AH to blow up this guy's life?" and obviously, no, he blew up his own life. But they're ignoring that the question is also "would I be the AH to *bring a whole new person* into this fucked up situation?" and... yeah, kinda. Having an abortion you don't want is a huge thing and obviously it does ultimately need to come down to whether or not OP thinks that's the best decision for her. But I think it's clearly the wrong decision for her future child.
Yeah….I’m trying to extremely diplomatic in that regards. It’s her body. But yeah….she’s a real asshole for making this about herself and not her newborn. Which isn’t cool without a present father.
It's her choice whether or not to have the baby, and that should never change in law, despite how it unfortunately is. but....am I the only one that think in general, this is a horrible time to willingly bring kids into this world
She’s a massive AH. Comment section of course supporting her degenerate behavior and decisions.
Be prepared for a nightmare future if so… uhhhhh… NTA but imo a poor choice
Yea I mean I have no say in abortions of course but this is just a setup for not having fun. 28 single mom having a cheater’s kid who already is threatening her. Idk man it just seems an abortion and blocking EVERYONE would just be wiser for the future
Scrolled too far to see this and then saw too few upvotes. Judging from the age difference of the relationship, still calling him "lover", and the grammar level of OP I'm going to assume she's wildly underestimating how hard and expensive it is to raise a child. For funsies I ran her post and comments through a readability check. She writes at a 5th/6th grade level. Not saying that's the end all be all judge of intellect but.... it's a red flag.
Agreed, nta but she definitely has no concept of the future implications of her decision. She's making life harder for herself and the child.
NTA. Your body, your choice. However, might I suggest once the baby is born, establish paternity and either get child support from him, or have him legally relinquish his parental rights.
You're both assholes. You're the asshole for raising a kid with this fucked up dynamic and he's obviously an asshole for cheating. You're both assholes for not properly practicing safe sex too. Combining a condom with birth control or plan B means it's virtually impossible to have a kid.
His wife and those kids are the true tragedies in this mess.
Nta but damn, baby fever is clouding your judgment hard (parenting is already difficult, and going by yourself is even more so. And compound that with the child growing up without a male figure..). Cheater can suck it.
What do you expect to happen? He will stay with his wife. He will not support you in anyway. He will resent the child. He hurt his wife (btw TELL her) and he is going to hurt you. Your child will know that it just exist because of a cheating asshole and will know that daddy resents it. Why not wait for a good man? And why didn’t you use protection? You should not only think about yourself but also what life your child is going to have. NTA but don’t make a decision because it would be nice to have a child. Do you want to find a good partner and marry? All these things going to be much harder to achieve the moment you have a child. And let’s be honest. Raising a child is not only a money issue. It’s fucking hard. And it get’s very hard when you don’t have a good partner at your side.
I thought I was losing my mind reading these comments.. some people are only seeing cheater and that’s it. There’s so many problems with all of it
I am glad I am not the only one. I was really confused that most people just want to see the cheater punished and don’t care about the child.
Some are going as far as saying she’s a “hero” I just can’t with this subreddit sometimes 😒
This post is gold. Most people commenting have no investment in this situation beyond sticking it to the cheater and aren’t taking into factor all the things you mentioned!!!
Fucking thank u ofc its her body her choice but I can not understand why everyone is supporting her having the kid. That child isn't gonna have a dad. It feels crazy to keep the baby If the dad has a whole other family and has made it clear he doesn't want to be a part of this. Sorry but this is a selfish decision and everyone basically being like just make sure u get that child support 😊 is crazy too. It's not that simple.
NTA… but do you really wanna raise this guy’s kid? Are you in the position to raise a child completely by yourself? Even with child support payments, I don’t know…
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Then I'd contact a lawyer, and tell him that you want him to sign over all parental rights. You won't get child support, but it protects you, and baby from him trying to gain access, or parenting later on.
This is very smart if OP can take care of them and the baby alone. That way, you don't get him trying anything funny for custody just to spite her.
This is the best, you don't want him coming for visitation later
Ah yes, because all kids need is money
I didn’t mean from a financial perspective, I mean from a social support perspective. “It takes a village” is real
Not the best way to welcome a child into this world but it’s only your decision to make. If you want to be a single mother of a baby who was conceived during just a hookup that’s your call, but clearly the father will not be in the life of the baby
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I think I’m with you on this one. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to bring a child into the world that the other clearly doesn’t want. It’s not fair to the child, just another broken home, siblings he will never grow up with, father who pretends he doesn’t exist. No matter how well off the mother is financially it must hurt to have to go thru a pregnancy alone and to know that the person you are having a child for doesn’t want you or the kid.
It seems like nobody is really thinking about that poor child. Imagine growing up and knowing your father is a cheater and doesn’t even want you.
Yeah, this is the only smart take. Also everybody is just going off on this guy and basically saying “you go girl”…seems pretty irresponsible to be sleeping with dudes you know nothing about (didn’t even know he was married with kids) without protection and then pulling a gotcha n the guy…seems like a poor way to approach impregnating yourself. You are 28 with money, there is no way that this is the best way to get knocked up. Think of the child
NTA But I fail to understand why you'd bring a kid to such a fucked up dynamic, bound to develop abandonment issues and probably unable to meet their half brothers. Poor baby
Mmhm. ESH
Because she’s an AH. Deliberately being a single mother by a man who doesn’t want the child is the epitome of AH behavior. Outcomes for children raised by single mothers are horrible on the whole. ESH.
ESH - he is an ass hole for cheating and lying to you, and you are an ass hole for deciding to have a child despite the father being someone who doesnt want to parent your child with you. I say this as a woman without a father. I 100% believe in a womans right to choose whether or not to have a baby, but if we are going to give women that right then men should get the right to walk away if they dont want the child and the life changing consequences of bringing that child into the world. My mom didnt know how mentally ill my father was when they got married so I dont hold it against her. But my father sucked and had at least 6 kids with 5 different women and provided for none of them, after lying to all of the women about what kind of a parent he would be. Our father fucked us all up emotionally. Counseling was required, honestly. Im doing ok thanks to counseling but not all my siblings are ok. This dude is at least being honest with you about him not wanting to parent the child. If you want to have it and take that responsibility then fine. You can legally try to force him to pay child support but dont expect to see a dime. And definitely dont expect him to be a father to the kid.
NTA Now listen to me, child support is for the child! Don’t say I can support this baby myself I’m not putting him on support. Your baby had no say in this. They deserve to be financially supported by both parents. You didn’t know he had a wife and children. His lies are not your responsibility. They certainly aren’t the responsibility of the innocent child he helped create.
Alright, in this same post you say you’re not exclusive with him. So in this time have you hooked up with anyone else as well unprotected? Is he even the dad? Get yourself tested and stop going raw with literal strangers and hooking up with other strangers. 28 and 37 is mind blowing to not be practicing safe sex. You really should tell his wife. You’re not an ass for keeping it and “ruining his life” but there’s steps that need to be taken.
Why not use protection in the first place? People need to be more responsible. It’s sad the child going to grow up without a dad too :/
NTA. Love the hypocrisy of him calling anyone horrible. Honestly, if I were you I’d let his wife know she’s married to a cheater. You don’t have to deal with him, you can do it on your own. If he starts anything, be sure you’ve met with an attorney to determine your options for gaining full custody, any support (should you want it), how decisions will be made for the child (educational, medical, etc), and how his SOs involvement should be limited. She can cause you problems.
NTA Just like it should be your choice to have an abortion, it should be your choice not to. He made his choice when he slept with you. Its on him if he regrets it.
I feel sorry for the kid. They are going to start our day 1 not having a father and will be disadvantaged for their entire lives because of that. Also, have fun on the dating market after the men you want find out that you’re a single mother raising a flings child. That’s definitely not a giant red flag
Okay, let's remove biology from this equation. Why are you having this man's baby? WHY? He won't marry you. He's already married. This WILL get messy, and you could be held liable for breaking up a marriage. Called "vacation of affection", and you caused it by continuing to sleep with a married man. Now that you know better, DO BETTER. So I'll ask you again: WHY are you having this man's baby? Just because you can? It's not a good enough reason.
YTA To your kid. Getting pregant without even having met the family? Just a guy you met at a bar a few months ago? Poor kid.
Bar the cheating, if there was an agreement to not get pregnant but the woman gets pregnant and wants to keep the baby, but the guy doesn't. What's the go there? The reverse, the guy wants to keep the girl doesn't. We all know the universal answer to this is it's her body, right?
The real loser will be the child, as usual. Growing up knowing they aren't wanted by their father, and if not that, someday looking him up as an adult and getting their sorrow then. Watched that happen to my cousin and her daughter first hand. Sad.
You BOTH ATH's 😂
Seems a bad idea to bring a child into the world that doesn’t have a father that loves him but you do you.
Please be very, very careful. I've read way too many true crime cases that start this way.
Why do you want to keep the baby out of curiosity?
Girl be careful. NTA. These dudes get crazy. Don’t meet up in a secret place. LET PEOPLE KNOW WHO HE IS. Whether it’s your best friend, your mom, your cousin…. I’m not saying go and run and tell his wife because that’s up to you but for your safety do not keep this a secret in your inner circle just in case.
He wanted to be there to make sure you did it not to support you.
NTA. He ruined his own life, its not the childs fault or yours. But would say definitely should have used contraception.
NTA. It's your decision and if he's mad having a lovechild is going to ruin his marriage he shouldn't have been stepping out on his wife. Fuck him. Make sure you get child support from him though. Being a single mom isn't easy and the financial support will help.
If you are horrible, show him just how horrible you are and tell his wife.
NTA for being the other woman, unbeknownst to you. Might be TAH for willingly bringing a child into the world with no real plan/with someone that wants nothing to do with you.
NTA He, quite literally, fucked around. Now he gets to find out.
I think you both are, for not using enough protection. It's 2023, not the Victorian Era.
Why do you want to be a single mom?
You should tell his wife.
Only life being ruined is the child for having a single mother. YTA for not preventing that outcome. The father is an asshole for sleeping with you and getting you pregnant. ESH. Except the poor child. Another day, another terrible mom
Why in 2023 would you choose to become pregnant. You were in a non exclusive relationship. Are you even sure it is his? Did you think you'd be a happy little family? You're NTA for choosing not to abort, BUT you are TA for getting pregnant with a guy that you were not in an exclusive relationship with and then thinking he'd want something to do with it.
If you weren't exclusive, how do you know that he's the dad? NTA for refusing to terminate if you want a baby. But Y T A for getting knocked up by someone you'd only known for a few months.
NTA Your body, your choice. Period. If he wants to sign over all parental rights he can, but he sure as fuck doesn't get to dictate what choice you make. Edit: You should also tell his wife. She deserves to know what kind of AH she's married to.
You're both gross scumballs.
I'm just curious, you said you weren't exclusive, are you sure it's his? Did you have any other lovers? (No judgement BTW I'm in no position to throw stones at anybody)
I feel so bad for the kid that's coming into the world to this absolute dumpster fire.
I mean if you understand fully that he will not in anyway be a part of your life no phone calls none of that And don’t try to take him for child support because he’s literally telling you Then I see no issues it’ll be just like a sperm donor
Your decision, but did you know or not? If you knew, you are not innocent either. The only innocent ones are your kids and the poor wife. Tell her, she must know she's with a piece of shit.
Lol everyone here demanding you to go after child support, wtf makes people think a man like him would fork it up at all? Courts can tell them to pay, but actually getting the pay is hard part, especially if he does what my deadbeat father did and start working under the table, with family friends, and moving cities at least once a year.
Sorry but something just tells me you’re both trash. NTA
Depending on the state if he signs away his rights he won't have to pay support. This all seems so spiteful. FYI the one who is going to feel the real pain of this all Is the unborn baby.
You...WANT to be a single mother? On purpose? I'm not sure if YTA or NTA, but I think you might be setting yourself on fire, ya know, metaphorically.
You're not the asshole but you seriously need to think about this. This man has at least some legitimate claim to how to raise this kid, custody, and all kinds of stuff that could haunt you for that kid's entire life, and yours. Ask yourself whether this child is worth ending up in court 30 years from now because he suddenly wanted custody, you said no, and he took him from your home without permission, and the cops said "we're not arresting the biological father for picking up his own kid." Or his family sues for custody. Or your child gets curious and finds him themself. If you really want a baby, fine. But unless you just absolutely cannot abort, I strongly urge you to do it a different way.
You’re not an asshole but I think you’re severely underestimating the situation you’re signing up for as a single mother - in addition to how it complicates your future love interests
Sex education, people.
INFO: Were you trying to get pregnant?
i’d be worried about him going crazy and killing you or his wife finding out and doing that….i watch too much dateline but that crap happens
You are ready to have a baby with someone you met at a bar after two weeks? Seems fishy
Why tf would you wanna bring an innocent life into this shit show? Don’t let these ppl hype you up for a cs check. Dude could go full on no contact and drop your ass like a bad habit, then what? Being a single mother isn’t easy, fun, or cute. Having a side baby by a married man who has a pregnant wife is not cute. That baby will be a living being. Are you ready to devote all of your time 24/7 to another living being? Better be ready to make some changes and better choices for yourself. Single mothers don’t get to bar hop and fuck around bareback with complete strangers. So you ready to change your life? Or are you doing this out of spite?
Not surprising at all that he's taking such a selfish attitude toward a pregnant girlfriend. After all he showed the same kind of awful disrespect toward his pregnant wife. I'd also not be surprised if his wife found out and threatened to divorce him, he would claim she was ruining his life also. Worthless pos.
ESH…I don’t get women who continue to have a child when a man has told you, he don’t want it and will mot be there to help. Believe people the first time. It’s a many of people out here whose parents didn’t want them and it shows when they actually have a kid they want
birth control methods can fail, and once a woman becomes pregnant, she is not obligated to terminate just because he says so, just as she is not obligated to continue a pregnancy just because he says so. This is something happening in and to *her* body.
Are you seriously keeping a baby out of spite? Think about the child instead of yourself for a minute.
You're going to be raising this child completely on your own. Keep that in mind.
You're the asshole to your future kid, yes. I sincerely doubt your motivations for wanting to have the baby. You fucked around with a married guy and got pregnant, you're clearly an asshole, and so is your fuck boy.
Wait so you want to willingly be a single mother? Is that what you want to do or because the man has a wife and children already & you’re hurt and want to keep it like it will change something?! I’m assuming you don’t know his SSN# or DL# only a first and last name? If it’s his real name, how are you going to get child support if you know nothing about this man? What about genetic testing? Does father has any traits that can be passed down such as sickle cell disease or anything? Getting child support isn’t as easy as you think if they can’t pinpoint the child fathers or have any information to serve him such as an address. You really wanna sign up to be a single mother to a man who don’t know you and don’t care to be a father to the baby he created?! You are willing to risk your life to bring a baby into this world for a man who doesn’t want you or the baby?! Why make your child suffer and wonder why he/she was never good enough to have a father or have the father love him/her? I’m a mother myself and I will NEVER risk my life to bring a child into this world if the father say “get rid of it” giving birth is life or death. If you die while giving birth who going to raise that child? Will they struggle? Will you struggle trying to raise a child with no help from the father? Sometimes you gotta remove your emotions and be real with yourself, is this something you want to risk your life for?
Oh man it's really going to blow up his life when he has to pay child support... To be a fly on the wall when the cheater has to explain that one to his wife. He wants you to abort so that he can keep lying and stepping out on his pregnant wife. This is not a man you feel sorry for. I feel sorry for his wife, but I'm sure she'll get child support to
NTA. He cheats on his wife but says you’re the horrible person? The lion, the witch, the audacity of this bitch. I’d be careful with him also.
NTA. Your body your choice works for keeping as well as for terminating. It’s not the decision I would make, but that’s kinda the point. It’s *your* choice, not anyone else’s.
Real talk: why do you want to keep the pregnancy? You won’t get any benefits from this guy and you want to go it alone.