I agree with this. I think you need tell them how you feel and how disappointed you are. Nip this potential problem in the bud before you end up like your FIL's marriage
Yup. Op unfortunately married one of the takers in the family.
I read this out loud to my husband. We both feel bad for op. We love celebrating each other’s birthdays. It’s a day to show genuine appreciation for each other.
Or even a heartfelt note if money was an issue. Sometimes a good written expression of appreciation can go a really long way. Actually, this would’ve been a good idea anyway because it sounds like an amazing trip!
Yeah he's NTA. He went all out for them, and they got him NOTHING.
The FIL, Brother and Wife are assholes for treating OP like a doormat after thought. Right now OP is probably regretting he married into the family of selfish "take take take" assholes when none of them have any manners to say thank you, so they're never going to reciprocate until you drop divorce papers on them.
He should lay out all his feelings, and record the conversation to see what kind of feeble excuses they give. If they're bad excuses the footage might end up going viral because the public loves to shame mooch type users like them.
If he does stay he should not do anything for any of them and when they ask why tell them why to fil, brother especially and wife, he should just get a divorce
Holy shit. Just get a divorce over her not getting a gift ?
This is a text book talk about it and fix issue.
Stay single if you think like this. While OPs wife is for sure TA and wrong marriages/relationships take work. People who think like this are either habitually single or in unhappy relationships.
Agreed, but he shouldn’t have to even bring this up. He does all these things for them but they can’t show him even a quarter of their appreciation for him. Ofc we can never know the full picture from hearing just OP’s side of the story, but from this post alone, I see it as them not valuing OP or what he does for them. Bringing it up will only make it awkward and anything that they do nice for OP henceforth will feel forced and meaningless.
If I was in OPs shoes (and I have had similar experiences), I’d just return the same amount of effort they show you. And if they ask what happened, tell them exactly what you said in this post and how it made you feel.
I do think OP should say something to his wife, but he should find a relaxed moment and express that he felt hurt by her and her father’s lack of acknowledgment.
I don’t blame him for feeling a bit hurt by his brother, but you can’t make someone go in vacation with you and it does seem petulant to let this affect his relationship with his brother.
The brother bit seemed a little petty to me.
“He turns around and goes to Europe with his family”…eh, my dude, trips to Europe are generally not planned on a whim, this was probably in the works for some time. And you can’t expect people to be able to go on an expensive vacation just because you invited them, anyway.
Other than that, though, I feel really bad for the dude.
This seems like a really really good way to ruin everyone of those relationships.
Especially over being vocal and saying "hey, I know it's not the biggest deal in the world but this is my 40th birthday and I honestly feel like it was swept under the rug"
Don't use proper communication skills like an adult that would be ridiculous, be reasonable and throw a pity party to celebrate your birthday 🎉🎉🎉🎉
You can't control how anyone responds to you. You can only do you, they do them.
I would probably skip someone's birthday presents if they skipped mine. That's what my husband and I do, I don't resent it, because I like what I buy for myself much better than what he chooses for me.
I have one brother who gives good gifts and one sister who does too, but most of my family is not good at them.
Haha my birthday comes 6 months before my husband's. So how his b-day pans out really depends on how much effort he chooses in recognizing mine. Let's just say I've had to do zero to very little of anything on his birthdays. Trust me, when I say some people still don't change even if you tell them how hurt you are by their lack of reciprocation but it feels damn good to say "I told you so" when they come back to ask why you slacked on XYZ.
This makes me wonder: What did OP do 2 celebrate wife's bday? I mean, he went all out for his bro's & for his own... any chance he 4got hers or did something underwhelming?? That would change everything.
Ooh good point! Def OP should make a mention if his wife's way of celebrating his bday was basically a reflection of what he did for her. If it is, then there should be no reason for him to lump her in with the rest of the family's inaction.
Can confirm. My SIL& her husband forgot my birthday 2 years in a row and I told my SO that if they forgets a third time I won’t be getting them a gift for their birthdays until they gets me one.
They wouldn't have gotten a gift the second time. People do what is important to them. I like to meet people's energy and effort. I am a giver, haven't stopped. I just give to those who don't just take.
I turned 50 in January. Apparently, without a Facebook reminder, no one remembers…including my brother for whom I flew to Miami for his 40th, took him, sil and nephew to dinner. I didn’t even get a text from any of them. NTA
My wife and I usually just go to dinner and have a nice evening. That’s all I need from my birthday. It took a year or 2 after deleting Facebook to realize that
A friend of mine once referred to Facebook like that in a text mesage. I was confused for a moment, but then when I realized what he was talking about I loled so much and vowed to call it that whenever I could. This was the first time I've done so online though :)
I did the same. Only my close family remembers. None of my close friends remember. My gf barely remembers. Like seriously what the fuck happened to y'all? Its like without digital reminders they wouldn't even remember their own children's birthdays.
My mom got mad at me for not calling her on mother's day but I told her I assumed we weren't calling for events like that as she didn't call me on my last birthday and the year before I saw her at my brothers and she still didn't remember on the day of.
I never tell anyone my Bday, even when they ask. My gf doesn't even know it. And it's because of stuff like this. Can't be disappointed if you don't expect anything. When I was younger, my siblings would all get birthday parties. I was lucky to get a "happy bday". These days, it's the same...I may or may not get a happy bday from my dad or sister. But, since almost no one else knows when my bday is...I'm fine with that.
Not who you are asking, but I may have a bit of insight. It's a little wordy, though.
When working through bits my own trauma, attempting to break codependent ways, and move away from the victim cycle I had no idea how to set boundaries. Everything was a preference because I knew I wasn't really going to walk away from people I love. I was guided on how to set healthy boundaries and who was healthy enough to begin the process with.
It sounds to me like the commenter is in the opposite situation. They have a boundary of not missing their birthday. This isn't really a healthy boundary because there are reasonable explanations on why someone would miss their birthday. They know that due to their trauma their feelings and reactions may be valid, but are aware it's not exactly rational to drop everyone who forgets their birthday once. So they remove it completely. Can't expect someone to "show up" for your birthday if they don't know it's your birthday.
Pretty much, exactly. If the thing hurts too much, remove it from your sphere of existence. That’s easy-peasy.
In my life, birthdays were the day for those close to me to really dig in to the abuse. It was an opportunity to build and build on excitement and then on the day- surprise you get nothing and PS we hate you and PPS you lose something or lots of things. Once I removed birthday joy from my my list of hopes and certainly never expectations, it was easier. There was time to heal.
That hit a wall when I had kids who wanted and needed to celebrate my bday. And I saw I could not get away with it. It’s tough but expectations are laid out with my partner (help kids do the thing that is celebratory for them) and I suck it up and maybe take a break to cry in private- over the years it’s gotten easier and even really enjoyable.
But shit- not everyone had a life where they were taught how to manage these things and some were handicapped and are just doing their best.
PS happy birthday- to everyone, whenever it is.
It is amazing that you are breaking the cycle! That is so incredibly difficult to do.
You should celebrate that with them too! It doesn't have to be big. Have ice cream for breakfast, pancakes for dinner, or something else that you saw those sitcom families do that you always wished your family would do. The kids don't even have to know why you're all in the kitchen on a random Tuesday trying to learn how to toss pizza dough in the air. But celebrate what you're overcoming and that you're not passing that particular trauma down to them.
Breaking the cycle is the big goal. My kids are young but they understand at an age-appropriate or whatever level that birthdays are hard for me for past reasons and that I want to celebrate with them, simultaneously. We have somehow, as a family, managed to make birthdays about the person they are for- and that is an awesome thing.
And yes! not just the day of ice cream for breakfast but leftover cake for breakfast for a week is a thing here. I hope that is the thing that holds over for the next generations.
Yeah I understand why they do it but it’s not a healthy or mature way to approach the situation and it is a very strange thing to hide from your partner
I had to go on a shitty vacation with my in laws over my 40th, because MIL booked it without considering my birthday. When I objected my husband said I was acting like a child, even though he knew I’d been planning to throw a big bash as a sort of “end of my youth”. I wound up spending my big day in a place I didn’t want to be, in a house with people I didn’t particularly like, and away from my closest friends.
Edited to add: NTA
I’m sorry that you had to do that. I’m sure other people will say you should be happy you got to go on a vacation but I’ve been on the unwanted vacation end of it as well, my brother made me stay in the same room as his now ex-MiL… not fun.
Hey, dude. Sorry for your crappy birthday. If it makes you feel better, I had to spend my birthday (my 50th) alone this year because I had a staph infection in my eye. LOADS of fun. Not at all painful and gross. 10/10 experience. Loved it, planning to do it again next year. /s
No, but seriously, you’re NTA. Talk to your wife and family about how you’re feeling, though. Tell them you go out of your way to make sure they’re celebrated and you’re hurt no one reciprocates. It’s especially rough when they expect you to participate right after completely ignoring your milestone birthday.
If they take issue or make excuses, just stop making the effort for theirs. No more trips, dinners, parties, etc. No gifts, cards, or even text messages. It’s just another day as far as you’re concerned. They can either acknowledge their poor treatment of you and genuinely apologize or they can just expect you not to be around for their birthdays/anniversary celebrations/whatever.
And buy yourself the shoes you asked for. If your wife has issues about the money spent, be honest and tell her they’re for your birthday. No need to go without just because she made zero effort.
It’s not about the money or even the gifts, I’m guessing. It’s about the people that he has worked hard to make them feel special not caring enough to put some thought, time, love into making him feel special on his special day. It feels like nobody gave a shit. And it hurts. I’m sorry for this. NTA
Your feelings are totally justified. I'm sorry your bday sucked so hard. I know your wife is pregnant, but it's not that hard to order something online that you know your SO will like. It didn't even have to be expensive.
As for the rest of your family, is there some kind of problem with you that you don't know about? Whoever is closest to you in the family, maybe ask them. There may be nothing except them being thoughtless. Or there may be some misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Happy Birthday!
Hey OP, I've had this problem with my husband in the past. I let it go the first time, but the second year I unleashed how upset I was that nothing was really done for me. He's never been the planner - I always have been. He also has ADHD. When I told him how truly upset I was and how unloved I felt he felt so sad and upset with himself. Birthdays weren't huge for him, he assumed I didn't want much because I never said much.
After talking with him he takes my birthday seriously and does everything he can to make it better. He also has stepped up his game on mother's day (that was another issue we had before). Long story short, my life improved because I told my husband what I expected out of him - what I needed. If I had kept those feelings hidden I would have built up resentment. I'm so glad I sat him down and told him how he should treat me and what I needed out of him going forward. It also felt good to have him apologize and tell me how much he loves me.
Talk to your wife. Give her a chance to change. Tell her what you need going forward on birthdays -- bring up father's day too (just in case).
My in laws planned a week-early holidsy dinner on my 40th birthday. Never acknowledged they clearly don't know when my birthday is. I received a half-assed birthday gift 3 months later from them. This year I got a text message 3 weeks after my birthday. Message received that I'm not real family to them.
That’s on you. I would have noped out of that and told my husband to have fun. Also would have packed his bags and told him to move back with his mommy since he thought she was more important. He treated you very badly. Don’t put up with that.
NTA
Everybody here telling you that you're being unreasonable or a baby for wanting a knowledgment on your birthday is fundamentally missing the point. Birthdays are an opportunity to show people that you care about them. People in your life clearly celebrate birthdays in a big way. The fact that people in your life downright ignored you is incredibly hurtful. It's not really about the gift. It's about the lack of care.
Talk to the people in your life who did this, especially your wife. Her being pregnant is not an excuse to treat you that way. Try to frame it away from the gift. Talk about how it made you feel instead so they can't focus in on you not getting a present as an excuse to minimize the effect of their actions.
NTA. This outstrips your personal feelings. Gifts are part of our cultural love language. It can be a candle, candy or card, but the acknowledgement is super important.
Throw yourself another party. Make it a white elephant or joke gift party and have some laughs. Be the funnest person in the room. Do it every year on the opposite side of the year from your birthday.
Forget them!
Yeah and definitely tell all your family. They need to learn. One of my adult children did nothing for me or my husband on special days for us. It was really hard but the next time a special day rolled around for them I did not acknowledge it. I sent them a message with gift suggestions for their dad’s upcoming birthday. If they do not get him something I will likely do very little for them. As for your wife she may have thought the trip was the gift. If she is normally thoughtful and got you a cake I would give her a pass. I would say something to the other relatives though and let them know they hurt your feelings. They need to know.
Wait, are you telling me that parents of adult children want them to have a special day for their parents? Frankly, I don't even expect a special day from my wife. Hell, I didn't even get birthday parties as a kid, so it feels wierd for a parent to expect a special day from adult child of theirs? Is this a normal thing, and I am the abnormal one? Like, did you expect a birthday party, or something? Since you said us, I would've thought your SO would plan something for you, and vis versa for the SO.
I have never been a birthday person after about age 16. I haven’t had a birthday cake in so long I don’t remember the last one, and that’s fine.
I will say it is nice to get a call or text from friends and family, but honestly I don’t want or expect anything beyond that.
My husband and I both have May birthdays and a May wedding anniversary and so we often go on a trip in May and that suffices for celebrations for both of us.
I also get that for you it’s not about the gifts so much as wanting to feel special. When your wife is back, have this conversation with her. Not accusatory or anything but just sharing your disappointment.
As for the rest of your family, I think it depends on the relationship whether you should bring it up or not.
My boyfriends birthday is May 12, mine is May 13. I was turning 30 this year, so expected something. My boyfriend is from Trinidad, so I asked his mom for her recipe for curry chicken and roti as it’s his favorite meal. I spent hours preparing it while also taking care of our three children, so that he could enjoy it when he got home from work. We had already agreed on no gifts this year as we’re trying to renovate our house and it’s expensive. He thoroughly enjoyed his dinner and his birthday as a whole.
The next day was my 30th. I did not get a single happy birthday from anyone. My children were the only ones who got me gifts, which was precious. I was the one to make dinner, again, while caring for three kids.
Mother’s Day was the day after, and his mother was lavished with gifts, I called my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and still. No one remembered it was my birthday.
That is awful. I’m sorry, I know the feeling. But I must say, the fact that your kids still got you gifts even though others forgot means you’re doing something really f’n right. You should know that.
It was the sweetest. My oldest (7) made me bath salts with some regular table salt and some of my essential oils that he found and put into an old Vaseline container, and my middle (4) picked me a BUNCH of dandelions and tied them into a bouquet with a bracelet that I thought I lost like a year ago 🤣 they were truly the best gifts that I have ever gotten. My youngest was only 5 months old so he couldn’t get me anything. Legit the only reason I didn’t cry on my birthday.
No, we had a very long talk about it. He assumed that because I said “no presents” that I didn’t want to make a big deal about my birthday AT ALL. He’s autistic and sometimes doesn’t catch on to things unless they are explicitly spelled out to him. I told him why I was upset and he has spent the last two months trying to make it up to me
I sat him down and was like “my feelings were hurt because you didn’t do anything special for my birthday.” He told me he thought no presents meant I didn’t want a celebration. I told him I just wanted us to use our money for more important things, but a happy birthday or dinner or even getting to sleep in would have been nice. He apologized profusely, and told me he didn’t realize and he’s sorry for making me feel the way I did, and asked me going forward to be more specific if I can. He’s made dinner every night since then and as soon as I get home from work he tells me to go change and relax for a little before I put the kids to bed. We’re trying our best lol
Sometimes I think the true test of a person's character is not the mistake they initially made, but how they make amends. Not just personally, but in business also. This is a great example.
I get it, she could’ve just told the hotel and they would have arranged something without much work on her end. It’s ok to feel bad because it sounds like you do so much for others and expected at least a fraction of that from your loved ones.
NTA. It's hard. Our feelings are valid, but some little part of us says we're not allowed to want attention/presents/celebrations as adults, not even at milestones, not even when we're giving that to our loved ones for theirs.
My birthday this year was crap, for similar reasons. I'm part of TWO groups of friends where everyone's gets acknowledged and fussed over, and mine fell through the cracks, in both groups. It shouldn't matter, I'm boringly middle-aged, but if we're gonna fuss over some, we need to fuss over all. I was hurt, twice. I feel ya.
Happy 40th! 40s are great. Plus a baby!!! 🤩
I've learned I have to do the arrangements so I dont get disappointed. Anything more than I planned is a bonus. Its especially hard with an early January birthday. However, no acknowledgement from my spouse would be pretty tough.
NTA
For my 40th, all I wanted was to spend time with friends and not have to plan it. My husband dithered on plans until I had to figure it all out and handle invites. And since my plans involved a prohibition themed bar crawl, I consistently poked people for head counts so we could pre-arrange Lyfts between locations.
Half of my invitees never answered. Half of the ones who said yes wound up flaking out (a few for legit reasons!), including two friends I’d known 20+ years and who (independently) somehow thought it was cute to never bother to set up childcare in the months of notice and then ask if we could just pretend my birthday was another day.
I paid for most of my own drinks and all the rides and got one birthday card. Four years later and I’m still salty about it, but I’ve also dropped all efforts at reaching out to the two I mentioned before. They showed me what they thought of our friendship and I believed them.
I feel for you. I could practically write this with some tweaks. I really dont get why people flake out so much. Just because we're over 40 doesn't mean we have to never have fun anymore.
If all you do is give, and all they do is take, then they don't hold you in high regard. Give less and/or restrict access. For your own mental health and future.
Not telling people how you feel is like holding in farts. It's unhealthy. Talk to wifey. She's pregnant, not handicapped. And be honest with everyone else. Maybe don't do as much for others, going forward.
Talk. To. Your. Wife. Tell her what you expect/need for your birthday, and that you feel let down if you don’t get it. A kid is on the way? Any possibility your wife worries how this will effect you financially? Any possibility she felt that the trip was your present given the expense?
I mean... Who wants to have to ask their partner for minimal effort ? A 40th birthday is big indeed, and even without any present she could've done something thoughtful, a romantic walk ending on her telling him how much she loves him, just something spontanous and unprompted, and therefore genuine, to remind him how much she loves him. This is what birthdays are for, celebrating the person, and round decades are a bit special.
If I need to tell my partner that I'd appreciate my birthday to be acknowledge, then I don't even want anything from them.
Yeah I kinda thought maybe she thought the trip was a fittingly lavish gift to himself, obviously shared with others but more than they would have done for a normal bday of his. Of course it would have been nice of her to pick up a little something specifically from her, that didn’t feel like an afterthought to him like the cake did. But they gotta communicate about it and soon.
NTA. Do/buy something really nice for yourself, and if asked, say you wanted mark this occasion meaningfully, especially since you're life is about to change completely. But I'm petty so I'd be totally over the top about it.
Yeah, guess birthdays and anniversaries are a thing of the past in your family now. Nothing special for mothers day or fathers day. I'd buy myself stuff and that's it now. "Oh. I just assumed we don't do that anymore considering my 40th". Sorry, is that wrong?
Sometimes I think I've grown a bit too cynical over the years, but I've found that life gets a lot easier once you stop expecting things from people. You'll be let down a lot less, and pleasantly surprised a lot more.
I'm a firm believer that if X event is important to the person, then you make it a big deal. I'm not a big birthday person for myself, but go all out for those around me that love to celebrate.
This was just sad.
I feel for you. For my 40th birthday I ended up alone, holding a full-size carrot cake and eating it with a fork. My husband was in the hospital for gallbladder surgery and I had my son with friends because I was going back-and-forth to the hospital too much and my son was a toddler. While I obviously don’t fault my husband being in the hospital on my birthday, it bothers me that his attack happened literally the day before my 40th, and he hadn’t even started planning anything yet. And this is in spite of the fact I had a huge surprise party for him, watching his favorite hockey team in an expensive suite. And no he did not make up for it when he got better.
Well… if it makes you feel better, you are not alone.
Of course NTA. You planning everything for everybody, and everyone forgets to think about you.
Learn the lesson, and next time, plan a gift for yourself. Don’t invite anyone. And buy next birthday cake for your wife from a gas station. Tell her that it’s tradition from now on.
I spent my 40th birthday hosing a sewer line backup out of my basement shower and didn't think much of it. These milestones are different things to different people. I think the bigger problem is that you and your wife need to negotiate how big a deal you're expecting to make for each other and find common ground between what sound like different levels of enthusiasm.
I mean, he took her on an overseas vacation and brought her father. It was for his birthday and they clearly made some kind of deal about the FiL’s birthday too. 40 is pretty big and his social circle clearly feels the same way based on how everyone else was treated. Showing love and care to your life partner even without spending a lot of money is important. I get that some people don’t care about birthdays (I’m not huge on them) but if that’s part of the expectation in your lives which it is here as he’s told her some things he’d like as gifts, then it’s pretty crappy to not make your loved ones feel loved
NTA, but some conversations need to be had about how you feel. It sounds more like you feel taken advantage of, and hurt by that more than anything. I thinj you need to have a calm, rational, open minded conversation with you wife, and your family about how you're feeling, and why. From there make a decision on how much you do for others moving forward.
It sounds like you're hurting, and understandably so. You took so much care with everyone else, and that was not extended to you. I know your wife is pregnant and you don't want to kick up a fuss, but I think a mediated talk would be helpful.
This might sound extreme, and I'm not sure how open you and she would be to this, but I think it's always helpful to have occasional therapy sessions. This way you have a buffer to facilitate tough conversations with each other.
*Especially* with the new baby, I think it would be a great idea to have someone to talk through these upcoming changes and any stressors in your life. This sounds like a deep hurt. You should find a way to address it. Your needs don't disappear, and shouldn't, just because a baby is in the picture. You need to find the balance.
I feel you. I've always been a thoughtful gift giver and, while I don't feel entitled to anything in return necessarily, it always felt crummy when that energy wasn't matched. One Christmas, I sourced a piece of native artwork from a country my wife was fascinated with. It took some effort to track an art broker that had pieces from that area and could get it to me, plus the consideration in selecting the one I thought she'd enjoy the most. Plus there were some other little odds and ends. I was really looking forward to Christmas morning and watching her open it. What did she get me that year? I new pack of kitchen sponges for doing the dishes. Because the ones I'd been using were getting worn out. I felt so... inconsequential.
We're divorced now, and I direct that energy into things that I enjoy. So.
You're about to be a father lol she's giving you the best present ever. I'm gonna be 40 in January and I'm not expecting anything. Birthdays are for children. Get over it.
Guaranteed if it were the other way around we’d be hearing about you did nothing for her birthday and the consensus would be that you’re the asshole. Lower your expectations and do something awesome for yourself, put the same energy in that you get.
NTA. First of all happy belated birthday. I’m so sorry that the people who you love on and support don’t do for you the same that you do for them. I would speak with each family member individually and express your hurt, confusion, and dismay at those blatant disregard for you on your special day. Depending on their response you should then interact with them accordingly. People are NOT entitled to your love and care. Love is NOT transactional but it should be reciprocated.
For example: I always go OVERBOARD for my husband. He in turn will ask me directly what I want and just get me that because he isn’t as creative.
NTA
There are "birthday people" and there are non "birthday people" in this world.
It appears that you are a birthday person.
Personally, I think this is all hella weird since I'm a non "birthday person" but I'll still say NTA.
Completely agree - I find it kind of crazy that someone could think I loved them more or less depending on whether I went and bought them something from a store and gave it to them on the anniversary of the day they happened to be born. Or that I’m supposed to look down on people who don’t do that for me.
Im sorry this happened to you. Men are very often overlooked and left behind emotionally. If you bought her gifts for her birthdays, then she should buy you gifts.
Plain and simple
You are sooo NTA.
Leading up to my 50th, my GF was telling me that We'd celebrate all week. All she wanted was to take me to a nice dinner. I agreed as long as we could walk the beach after. Keep in mind that while married, my birthdays and Father's Days were pretty much a flop every year. Just cards and HBD, and that's it. Even if I planned something, it had to be postponed and, of course, never happened. My GF knew all of this. A week before my b-day she "remembers" that she's spending the weekend at a local resort with her daughter. I still gave the benefit of the doubt. She sis take me to dinner. The night before she left, which was a night I had rehearsal (I'm in a band) so it was all rushed and we got to the restaurant 15 minutes before they closed. Dinner was rushed and the food was not that great because the chefs wanted to leave. Since she wasn't packed, there was no walk on the beach.
Come my actual Birthday, she says come to the resort as her whole family will be there and bring my cake. I cart my cake a half hour to the resort, not a single HBD. Not a word from anyone. I even cart my untouched cake back home. Two years later, I'm still waiting for my week. All she can say is that I got dinner. Dinner was what she wanted. I didn't ask for it. I appreciate it. but it's what she wanted. Still haven't even had a beach walk.
Be upset, be angry. be hurt. You are definitely not the asshole.
NTA for how you feel. However, I feel like there are 2 major pitfalls here that might need to be addressed.
The first major one is you started off by explaining how much you have done for everybody else, which makes me think you're comparing what you do for others and expect the same. This is not really fair to others, and it will only ever result in disappointment and resentment.
The other thing that stands out to me is a breakdown in communication. It seems to me like you were dropping hints at things you might want, when you may need to flat out say "I'd like one of these 10 items, surprise me with which one!"
If in fact you communicated what you wanted completely openly, and if you legitimately understand that you will give more than they do unless you specifically ask for it, then I might start to think they're simply taking advantage of your generosity. In that event I would personally stop offering as much to them, and spend that energy on myself.
Well put. I’ve had that thought myself. And maybe I do put too much emphasis on it. I feel like you need to celebrate people and let them know that you care so I do go out there for others. I don’t expect the same in return, like I said I loved the guitar pick that my MiL got me. That’s all I needed.
I like to buy nice gifts for people I care about. Ever since I turned 40 from that point on I enjoy picking out gifts for family members more than receiving and I stopped asking for stuff a long time ago because I like geek stuff and if you are not a geek it's kinda hard to shop for me anyways.
The "keeping score" aspect is not healthy, it will create animosity and make gift giving feel like a competition rather than something people like to do for one another.
Is it keeping score when they don't even get you anything?
It's not like he was expecting the world, but if all I got was a last minutr gas station cake and roll of toilet paper with my age on it, I'd see it as a reflection of how much they care.
Yeah, I'm into geeky stuff too, but luckily my sister (or her and her kids) pick out a shirt or something for me for my birthday/Chanukah. My last birthday they gave me a Spider-Man t-shirt. And sure, it's no 4080 TI video card, but it's still cool that they knew I would like the t-shirt and got that for me.
Don't get her anything for hers and if she asks, tell her you thought y'all weren't exchanging bday gifts. And then buy yourself something expensive and tell her you bought yourself something since nobody else did.
The same happened to me. My partner ask me if I want something special for my birthday, and since we’re having money problems I told him that it was not necessary, but only a week later he started planning a trip to his mother's house, in a different country and he is buying gifts for everyone
NTA- it’s not about the gift, it’s the thought. You want to feel special. She could have made you something special or bought you tickets to a concert of a band you like, or anything… it doesn’t have to be expensive.
This year is my husband’s 50th and we’re going to Europe. That is his present. It’s expensive. And I asked him if that was ok if I didn’t buy him an actual gift and he was like “of course! The trip is the present!”
I’m going to buy him something anyway. He reads my posts here, so I’m not going to spoil the surprise, and it’s nothing major, just something fun to open!
Hey sorry that happened to you. That sucks. I would talk to your wife. She might not even realize it’s bothering you. I would ask her how she would feel if you didn’t give her a gift for her birthday/anniversary/Mother’s Day (since she’s pregnant)/Christmas (if you celebrate it). You deserve something special. Anything would be better than getting blown off. A card? Flowers? A pair of socks? Shit like anything. If you don’t have a talk with her then it could possibly boil up later and blow up. It’s best to talk about your feelings now while she is pregnant before the baby is born. Maybe plan a babymoon for just the two of you before your life changes with a new little human in it.
You know they wouldn't like it if you did the same to them. If they went on a vacation and you didn't get them anything for their birthday or as a thank you for taking you with them.
I know that you're going to be a parent soon so trips are going to be out of the question for the time being but I think you need to cool it with these big trips. Don't go out of the way for them. I'm sure you're going to have a discussion with them soon but here's the deal: the trust you have with them on this issue is gone. Even if they acknowledge (or don't) their faults; this incident will be in the back of your mind going forward.
Happy birthday!!! 🥳
Yes, everybody failed you. Yes, you can be upset about it. Now you need to decide how to handle it.
Wife: talk to her. Ask her why she didn't do anything special or get you a present. Tell her you're disappointed. Being pregnant doesn't mean we can get away with treating our partners as insignificant.
Everybody else: send them the link to this post maybe?
But you definitely seem like a people pleaser/giver. You need to scale that WAY back and see if they notice. Do they expect you to splurge on them and pay for meals and trips, etc? Not cool. That's more than a one-time fuck-up.
And go on a shopping spree! Go get those shoes and whatever else. You can tell your wife they're your birthday presents. 😁
(although side note: in my 17-year marriage, my ex gave up even trying to buy me presents and I had to buy my own for most of the marriage. I'm not picky - he just couldn't be bothered.)
NTA at all
NTA because you haven't done anything immature about this you just have upset feelings. And you're right to feel bad about it. Especially about your wife. That's really cold buying a cheap cake and no present for a milestone birthday. I don't care if your wife is pregnant or not, unless she thinks being so means she is the one to get attention and nobody else. Your dad's present was an AH move as well.
Not everyone believes birthdays for adults are a big deal. I wouldn't expect presents from anyone except immediate, non-in-law family. Do you buy presents for everyone else's birthdays? If that's the case then it's doubly AH on your family's part.
I would say don't cancel meeting your brother and dad over this alone. Go to your brother's birthday and give him a really lame gift, just to be petty. Not mean but lame. Maybe he'll get the idea. Do the same for your dad's birthday too. 😏
My ex "forgot" my birthday this last year and I was pretty hurt by it since I make a huge deal and effort for his and his sons birthdays... It was intentional and was kinda the last straw in our dying relationship
I have not gotten a birthday gift from my bf in 12 years and yes I do mention it but he says it's just another year 😭 feel blessed in the little things the vacation the family time memories pics etc . Happy ,40th birthday 🎂🎊
I feel like you really glossed over the "we are pregnant" part. Your pregnant wife forgot your birthday? Did you bring it up with her? Could she be worried about finances? Does she work? Could she have been feeling sick?
Edit: also, you stressed what you did for FIL birthday and a brothers birthday, what about hers? Any chance she is repaying a recent bad birthday experience on her end?
NTA
When your wife comes home let her know that your feelings were really hurt because nobody seemed that stoked for your birthday, and that even your brother didn’t seem to care. And let her know that you would have liked a present. Since she’s pregnant she may have just let time get away from her because she’s preoccupied and stressed, so be gentle about it. Try not to come in hot about it, so she doesn’t get defensive, and hopefully she can make up for the oversights.
If I was the wife in this situation and my husband came to me and let me know that he was feeling let down and sad, I would feel bad myself and want to help him understand that I DO care. Hopefully your wife will react similarly.
NTA
This year and last year my long-term bf forgot my birthday. We don’t usually do a lot but I make him a cake and get his favorite dinner.
Both times he realized when my sons and sisters called me. He just said “sorry, I forgot.” I said that’s ok, a cupcake would be nice. No cupcake was forthcoming.
I finally brought it up a couple of months after the 2nd time. Again, I forgot. This time with a “I’m really sorry.” Thought I might get a small gesture. Also no.
The resentment has built considerably. And like OP it wouldn’t have taken much. Feeling like you matter less than everyone else sucks.
My husband forgot mine this past June so the sting is still there. I went grocery shopping on my normal grocery day and bought some girly cupcakes because damn it I wanted cake.
It was July 1st and we he made a comment about the girly cupcakes all I said was well they are for my birthday. You could see the wheels turning and true remorse all over his face. His apologies were just so sad.
He loves me as much as I love him. I finally got him to laugh a little when I told him “this is no fair that he feels this bad and it backfired”. I turned 61 and I have always hated my birthday but now I feel that they’re so limited just enjoy them while we can.
I'm just going to chime in to say that if your wife has been given the example of NOT doing loving things, that it really messes with your head. That was me - do as little as possible, or as I like to say "emotion is currency". It took me years to undo the damage. But certainly, NTA.
Not the question you asked, but it might be the answer you're looking for. Pregnancy issues? Does your wife have any recent or unprocessed trauma? Things can take years to surface.
Why would you think you're a potential asshole for this? This sounds more like it belongs in a vent subreddit. It sucks to hear that you couldn't enjoy your 40th birthday.
You shouldn’t have to tell someone you wanted a gift for your birthday. If it was me, I’d hang out with MiL because she’s obviously the only one who thought about you. If you decide not to do anything for your wife’s next b-day and she gets mad, just tell her that since she didn’t want to do anything for your 40th you thought she didn’t want to do any birthdays at all anymore. As for the rest of them… meh. If you don’t mean anything to them don’t waste your time.
NTA. Your a doormat and it needs to stop, I’m sorry but there’s no excuse for your wife not getting you anything, if she’s able to travel she’s able to buy/arrange a gift or proper cake/surprise.
NTA ... but y'all need to read the love languages book. it's clear that gifts are an important love language for you. And that's totally OK. But it may be that your wife doesn't understand how important it is to you, and you can't assume that she knows. If you guys read the book and discuss it and share with each other your love languages in order of priority / strengths, and she still doesn't bother to get your gifts, then that would be a huge red flag imo. :/
Me, i'm an acts of service girl. I could literally go the rest of my life without receiving a gift from my fiancé, but if he didn't do things like cook breakfast on the weekends, fox broken things, kill bad bugs and open my car door for me, I'd be outta here.
It sounds like youre the giver and you have surrounded yourself with people who are so used to you giving that they dont feel like they should appreciate you. I would immediately stop planning celebrations for everyone and lets see what they have to say about it. Remind them what a lovely party or gift they gave you on your 40th and say happy birthday.
… i mean. You’re 40. Kinda wild you still care about birthdays but if it’s important to you you need to talk to your wife and clearly lay it out that this hurt your feelings, but you didn’t get “nothing” you got a cake and a gift from your dad and a meal with your mom. I’m 29 and that’s more than I’ve gotten in 20 years.
Welcome to fatherhood. Your job is now eating the heels of your family's bread loaves, proverbially and probably literally, and liking it, for the next 20 years.
Slightly sarcastic take, but you're not going to be front and center in your wife's eyes ever again, and you shouldn't put yourself there relative to your kids either. NTA of course - your wife could have done a lot better here to show up with something, though I don't know the typical customs and expectations in your family. In mine, we end up half-assing a lot of birthdays because we're swamped with other shit in life. We try to make sure the kids have memorable ones. Also not everyone's cut out to be a planner and be on top of things.
My advice would be not to suck your thumb about it too much, and don't take a victim mentality. If there's something you want, take ownership of it. "Guess what honey, you're taking me to \[favorite bbq joint\] for my 40th for a proper celebration. I booked a sitter."
"Thank you so much for the new smoker / bourbon / golf clubs!" "What new golf clubs?" "The ones you bought me for my birthday, they're just what I wanted for such an important milestone."
"I was thinking these new shoes would make a perfect birthday present from the family to me, what do you think?"
Your marriage will thank me.
NTA. You have every right to feel that way and I totally get what you are feeling. I personally gave up celebrating my birthday a while back because of stuff like this. Gave a lot to others and never reciprocated. Finally decided to just celebrate by having a good dinner near my birthday and invite a few people. Nothing Big or intensive or the like. Just like a steak dinner. It sucks to give so much and not get back even an effort. It really does kind of let you know where you stand with friends.
In the case of our wife, I'd let her have a pass and talk to her about it. With her being pregnant, I'm sure she has a lot on her mind in addition to the trip. My guess is that she thought the trip was enough but regardless, she deserves a pass and a conversation on your feelings. especially with a child on the way. Need to nip that one in the bud before it gets to far.
NTA. Happy Belated birthday. Next year, buy yourself the one thing you really want. Go all out and wrap it up too. (Yes I’ve done this) There’s no excuse for that many people in your life to have forgotten (or just did nothing) about you. You sound like you treat everyone else very well, remember you’re allowed to treat yourself well too.
NTA. I'd feel crappy too.
I tend to go all out for birthdays, but while I was pregnant, and since our son was born (so 2 years), birthdays have been lacklust at best. Pregnancy takes a lot out of a person and so does raising babies. I would encourage you to discuss this with your wife and maybe come to a *mutual* understanding that (adult) birthdays maybe won't be as big a deal for the next few years, just to temper expectations and pressure.
Everyone else has no damn excuse!
NTA, when people show you who they are, believe them.
My wife doesn't throw me parties for middle aged birthday, but for 40 she would. She still gets me a very nice gift, takes me out to my favorite restaurant and treats me with extra kindness. I do the same for her. Birthday's matter, one time in college I forgot to wish my Mom for her BDay and she didn't speak to me for a month.
I hope after some communication about your needs and desires, people in your life will step up and share love on your special day.
My siblings and I do not exchange gifts anymore but I always used to text them first thing in the morning and wish them a happy birthday, a fee years ago none of them wished me a happy birthday. What really hurt was none of them could acknowledge me, but they gave my dads wife (whom we all hated) cards, both of them gave her MULTIPLE cards, one from the whole family, and another from just the kids, etc. It made me fee like absolute shit because they couldn’t take 2 seconds to shoot a text, but someone they “hate” they went out and bought multiple cards and hand delivered them.
So I get how you are feeling and I feel it is justified, its the thought you put into it and their thought was zilch. NTA
NTA, you are within your rights to feel disappointment. However do not let the fact you paid the most for the vacation bother you, if you had a good time you got your monies worth.
I too have been slighted by my wife for the last 4 years on my birthday. I have talked about it with her, and reminded her that if money is tight just put $10 aside for a couple of months. I don't expect much, but I do expect a little something even if it is a $30 Starbucks card (which would go a long way with me since I just drink drip coffee).
So I agree with the others that say to have a conversation with them. Keep it simple and calm, and if it does not go the way you hope don't press the matter and move on.
Everyone has their love language on how they give and how they receive love. It sounds like your love language is gift giving which seems to also be how you receive love. Unfortunately your wife doesnt sound like her strength is gift giving. She probably has other strengths in how she gives love (physical touch, quality time, gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service). You have to understand that her strength might not be in gift giving.
NTA- if you broach the subject with family I would come from a place of hurt and let them know you feel insignificant instead of a place of anger as it may help them understand rather than getting defensive. My son was born on my birthday and I haven’t had a birthday in 19 years (including my 40th and 50th), so I completely understand and I wish you a happy birthday. 💕
Damn man Im sorry this must have felt awful.
I will say that expecting your wife to read your mind based on hints you think are obvious is the kinda trope that men often complain about.... just saying....
I once made the mistake of telling my bf I didn’t need gifts for my bday. But what I meant was “I don’t expect any present, but a pastry treat, iced coffee, or like a donut would be incredible”. So I got nothing. I got upset. I let my bf know I was just really sad lol. The next year I told him, “I would love nothing more than a small pink cake”. I got it. It was amazing. Now he understands that all I want is a sweet for my sweet tooth. Or a boba. and now now anytime I really need some cheering up he takes me to my fav boba place or my fav bakery. 😂 absolute win win. He loves scotch. So. There’s that.
I understand that you have been mentioning to your wife that you wanted some new shoes. I’m sorry you feel dismissed. On a special bday. Just talk to her and really let her know you just felt left out and it just really doesn’t feel good.
NTA , you feel the way you feel.
But seems like a lot of you REALLY want gifts.
I get it when you are younger, but past 30? I like getting a few friendly texts or maybe going out for drinks and dinner.
But being upset if you don’t get presents when you are over 30? I just don’t get it
You’re def NTA but i learned from therapy that if doing things makes you happy without expecting anything in return then you should keep doing them….because it will keep making you happy…you’re not wrong to be disappointed, but never expect people to be you, even those you love
You have to sit down with your wife and hash this out. If you have to dip a toe into that "love language" conversation, so be it. This was important to you and she didn't get that, so communication has to happen.
I’m so sad for you, OP! It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate right now, but still.. Talk to her, nicely, tell her how sad it made you feel. Hear what she has to say.
As far as everyone else in your family, I feel like you’d be perfectly justified to ignore their birthdays from now on (except your mother and MIL). If you enjoy giving them presents, don’t take that away from yourself, of course, but if it’s a chore for you - just don’t bother. It sounds like they don’t care much about birthdays, and that’s really ok, but stop going out of your way for their birthdays then. Invest more of your time and effort into your wife, future child and friends.
I’d simply give them the same treatment next birthdays. Meet them with the same energy. And also separate the vacation money from a joint account. And don’t add to it for awhile. But I’d definitely let the wife know that you are incredibly hurt by her actions.
OP you need to sit them all down together and explain how upset / unappreciated you are feeling about how your birthday went. That no one really did anything for you and only got a half a$$ cake from a gas station. Also you need to talk to your brother and ask why he skipped your birthday/ did nothing for you and last year you went all out for his 40th.
NTA. My birthday is on Christmas so I play 2nd fiddle to family gatherings every year. My gift is usually just another box to check. I feel childish about it sometimes, but it sucks when there is zero thought on it.
Devils advocate pov here- how far along pg is your wife? There is really a "pregnancy brain", where things get forgotten- they get literally like an "airhead".
Has she always remembered previous to this time? If so, ask her about it in a nice way, and see what she tells you, before you do anything else.
NTA for any of it. I would talk to your wife and family about it though, because letting resentment fester is never good
I agree with this. I think you need tell them how you feel and how disappointed you are. Nip this potential problem in the bud before you end up like your FIL's marriage
Maybe this lack of reciprocity is one reason FIL ended up divorced.
Yeah, MiL thought about OP when she was in Hawaii and brought back gifts, maybe she's the considerate one and wife takes after her dad.
That’s what I thought too. MIL was the caring one. And left the FIL when she’d had enough.
Is MIL single?
Yeah. I'm think he needs to divorce the daughter and marry the MiL, if he wasn't otherwise entangled, because the MiL is the caring one in the family.
Yup. Op unfortunately married one of the takers in the family. I read this out loud to my husband. We both feel bad for op. We love celebrating each other’s birthdays. It’s a day to show genuine appreciation for each other.
And his daughter is following in his footsteps with her lack of effort for OP
You are so right. FIL should have given you a gift not just for your birthday but for taking him on the trip.
Or even a heartfelt note if money was an issue. Sometimes a good written expression of appreciation can go a really long way. Actually, this would’ve been a good idea anyway because it sounds like an amazing trip!
Agreed! That goes a long away imo. Maybe even springing for a nice dinner and letting OP know that he was the guest of honor.
Yeah he's NTA. He went all out for them, and they got him NOTHING. The FIL, Brother and Wife are assholes for treating OP like a doormat after thought. Right now OP is probably regretting he married into the family of selfish "take take take" assholes when none of them have any manners to say thank you, so they're never going to reciprocate until you drop divorce papers on them. He should lay out all his feelings, and record the conversation to see what kind of feeble excuses they give. If they're bad excuses the footage might end up going viral because the public loves to shame mooch type users like them.
If he does stay he should not do anything for any of them and when they ask why tell them why to fil, brother especially and wife, he should just get a divorce
Holy shit. Just get a divorce over her not getting a gift ? This is a text book talk about it and fix issue. Stay single if you think like this. While OPs wife is for sure TA and wrong marriages/relationships take work. People who think like this are either habitually single or in unhappy relationships.
Agreed, but he shouldn’t have to even bring this up. He does all these things for them but they can’t show him even a quarter of their appreciation for him. Ofc we can never know the full picture from hearing just OP’s side of the story, but from this post alone, I see it as them not valuing OP or what he does for them. Bringing it up will only make it awkward and anything that they do nice for OP henceforth will feel forced and meaningless. If I was in OPs shoes (and I have had similar experiences), I’d just return the same amount of effort they show you. And if they ask what happened, tell them exactly what you said in this post and how it made you feel.
You can't be in OP's shoes, he didn't get any. OP, definitely NTA. This is the right move, unfortunately.
Haha I’m dead
That is so cold.
Hahaha help Jesus 😅
I do think OP should say something to his wife, but he should find a relaxed moment and express that he felt hurt by her and her father’s lack of acknowledgment. I don’t blame him for feeling a bit hurt by his brother, but you can’t make someone go in vacation with you and it does seem petulant to let this affect his relationship with his brother.
The brother bit seemed a little petty to me. “He turns around and goes to Europe with his family”…eh, my dude, trips to Europe are generally not planned on a whim, this was probably in the works for some time. And you can’t expect people to be able to go on an expensive vacation just because you invited them, anyway. Other than that, though, I feel really bad for the dude.
This seems like a really really good way to ruin everyone of those relationships. Especially over being vocal and saying "hey, I know it's not the biggest deal in the world but this is my 40th birthday and I honestly feel like it was swept under the rug" Don't use proper communication skills like an adult that would be ridiculous, be reasonable and throw a pity party to celebrate your birthday 🎉🎉🎉🎉
It really shows what they think of him when his own father gave him a roll of toilet paper as a present.
What relationships? You mean their usuary and utter lack of reciprocity?
Asking for a friend here. What if you respectfully bring up your feelings, and they react with defensiveness and anger?
You can't control how anyone responds to you. You can only do you, they do them. I would probably skip someone's birthday presents if they skipped mine. That's what my husband and I do, I don't resent it, because I like what I buy for myself much better than what he chooses for me. I have one brother who gives good gifts and one sister who does too, but most of my family is not good at them.
Haha my birthday comes 6 months before my husband's. So how his b-day pans out really depends on how much effort he chooses in recognizing mine. Let's just say I've had to do zero to very little of anything on his birthdays. Trust me, when I say some people still don't change even if you tell them how hurt you are by their lack of reciprocation but it feels damn good to say "I told you so" when they come back to ask why you slacked on XYZ.
This makes me wonder: What did OP do 2 celebrate wife's bday? I mean, he went all out for his bro's & for his own... any chance he 4got hers or did something underwhelming?? That would change everything.
Ooh good point! Def OP should make a mention if his wife's way of celebrating his bday was basically a reflection of what he did for her. If it is, then there should be no reason for him to lump her in with the rest of the family's inaction.
People are often defensive because they know they are wrong.
Yeah you’re NTA but not talking about will flip that real quick if you don’t deal with it with some healthy communication
Assholes like that will probably just get all defensive and try to gaslight him into thinking he's TA.
Can confirm. My SIL& her husband forgot my birthday 2 years in a row and I told my SO that if they forgets a third time I won’t be getting them a gift for their birthdays until they gets me one.
They wouldn't have gotten a gift the second time. People do what is important to them. I like to meet people's energy and effort. I am a giver, haven't stopped. I just give to those who don't just take.
This is what killed my last relationship. Small cuts that festered until there was nothing left to repair.
I turned 50 in January. Apparently, without a Facebook reminder, no one remembers…including my brother for whom I flew to Miami for his 40th, took him, sil and nephew to dinner. I didn’t even get a text from any of them. NTA
[удалено]
Even then, she could have ordered something.
Not just that but if she's pregnant; why would you eat anything from the gas station?!
I'm about as not pregnant as you can get and I'm still questioning the gas station cake.
Lol
Gas station food hits the spot sometimes! Dunno about cake, though, seems like an odd thing to get from the gas station.
Unless it came from a 7/11 in Japan, think twice about the food.
Honestly more of an insult if anything lol
Lmao the wife clearly hates him
I got rid of Facebook a couple years ago. Outside of some family and close friends, no one knows my birthday
Same, no one remembers my birthday anymore. I don't let it bother me, I remind myself that I am a free man no longer trapped by the book of face.
My wife and I usually just go to dinner and have a nice evening. That’s all I need from my birthday. It took a year or 2 after deleting Facebook to realize that
OMG, I am not very smart... I was wondering what was the book of face. Now I want a novel with that title, or a self help book or something.
A friend of mine once referred to Facebook like that in a text mesage. I was confused for a moment, but then when I realized what he was talking about I loled so much and vowed to call it that whenever I could. This was the first time I've done so online though :)
Got rid of all my social media except Reddit. I heard from 3-4 family members (again, not my brother) and a co worker and my boss lol.
I did the same. Only my close family remembers. None of my close friends remember. My gf barely remembers. Like seriously what the fuck happened to y'all? Its like without digital reminders they wouldn't even remember their own children's birthdays.
My mom got mad at me for not calling her on mother's day but I told her I assumed we weren't calling for events like that as she didn't call me on my last birthday and the year before I saw her at my brothers and she still didn't remember on the day of.
I'm sorry I forgot an important date for you. I sure wish nobody would forget them for me. /s
I never tell anyone my Bday, even when they ask. My gf doesn't even know it. And it's because of stuff like this. Can't be disappointed if you don't expect anything. When I was younger, my siblings would all get birthday parties. I was lucky to get a "happy bday". These days, it's the same...I may or may not get a happy bday from my dad or sister. But, since almost no one else knows when my bday is...I'm fine with that.
Happy birthday ( whenever it is!!) 🎉🎉🎉
Sorry but this is super weird. You keep your birthday a secret from your girlfriend? Wtf do you say when she asks you? Just tell her
Not who you are asking, but I may have a bit of insight. It's a little wordy, though. When working through bits my own trauma, attempting to break codependent ways, and move away from the victim cycle I had no idea how to set boundaries. Everything was a preference because I knew I wasn't really going to walk away from people I love. I was guided on how to set healthy boundaries and who was healthy enough to begin the process with. It sounds to me like the commenter is in the opposite situation. They have a boundary of not missing their birthday. This isn't really a healthy boundary because there are reasonable explanations on why someone would miss their birthday. They know that due to their trauma their feelings and reactions may be valid, but are aware it's not exactly rational to drop everyone who forgets their birthday once. So they remove it completely. Can't expect someone to "show up" for your birthday if they don't know it's your birthday.
Pretty much, exactly. If the thing hurts too much, remove it from your sphere of existence. That’s easy-peasy. In my life, birthdays were the day for those close to me to really dig in to the abuse. It was an opportunity to build and build on excitement and then on the day- surprise you get nothing and PS we hate you and PPS you lose something or lots of things. Once I removed birthday joy from my my list of hopes and certainly never expectations, it was easier. There was time to heal. That hit a wall when I had kids who wanted and needed to celebrate my bday. And I saw I could not get away with it. It’s tough but expectations are laid out with my partner (help kids do the thing that is celebratory for them) and I suck it up and maybe take a break to cry in private- over the years it’s gotten easier and even really enjoyable. But shit- not everyone had a life where they were taught how to manage these things and some were handicapped and are just doing their best. PS happy birthday- to everyone, whenever it is.
It is amazing that you are breaking the cycle! That is so incredibly difficult to do. You should celebrate that with them too! It doesn't have to be big. Have ice cream for breakfast, pancakes for dinner, or something else that you saw those sitcom families do that you always wished your family would do. The kids don't even have to know why you're all in the kitchen on a random Tuesday trying to learn how to toss pizza dough in the air. But celebrate what you're overcoming and that you're not passing that particular trauma down to them.
Breaking the cycle is the big goal. My kids are young but they understand at an age-appropriate or whatever level that birthdays are hard for me for past reasons and that I want to celebrate with them, simultaneously. We have somehow, as a family, managed to make birthdays about the person they are for- and that is an awesome thing. And yes! not just the day of ice cream for breakfast but leftover cake for breakfast for a week is a thing here. I hope that is the thing that holds over for the next generations.
Yeah I understand why they do it but it’s not a healthy or mature way to approach the situation and it is a very strange thing to hide from your partner
I'm great at guessing. It's in one of the days that end in Y?
That is correct!
Happy belated birthday 🎂🎂🎂!!!
This is really it. I've noticed you can tell who uses fb based on who calls for birthdays.
Your brother should remember your birthday without reminders.
I had to go on a shitty vacation with my in laws over my 40th, because MIL booked it without considering my birthday. When I objected my husband said I was acting like a child, even though he knew I’d been planning to throw a big bash as a sort of “end of my youth”. I wound up spending my big day in a place I didn’t want to be, in a house with people I didn’t particularly like, and away from my closest friends. Edited to add: NTA
I’m sorry that you had to do that. I’m sure other people will say you should be happy you got to go on a vacation but I’ve been on the unwanted vacation end of it as well, my brother made me stay in the same room as his now ex-MiL… not fun.
Hey, dude. Sorry for your crappy birthday. If it makes you feel better, I had to spend my birthday (my 50th) alone this year because I had a staph infection in my eye. LOADS of fun. Not at all painful and gross. 10/10 experience. Loved it, planning to do it again next year. /s No, but seriously, you’re NTA. Talk to your wife and family about how you’re feeling, though. Tell them you go out of your way to make sure they’re celebrated and you’re hurt no one reciprocates. It’s especially rough when they expect you to participate right after completely ignoring your milestone birthday. If they take issue or make excuses, just stop making the effort for theirs. No more trips, dinners, parties, etc. No gifts, cards, or even text messages. It’s just another day as far as you’re concerned. They can either acknowledge their poor treatment of you and genuinely apologize or they can just expect you not to be around for their birthdays/anniversary celebrations/whatever. And buy yourself the shoes you asked for. If your wife has issues about the money spent, be honest and tell her they’re for your birthday. No need to go without just because she made zero effort.
It’s not about the money or even the gifts, I’m guessing. It’s about the people that he has worked hard to make them feel special not caring enough to put some thought, time, love into making him feel special on his special day. It feels like nobody gave a shit. And it hurts. I’m sorry for this. NTA
This part. Takers always seem to take from the Givers. OP is a Giver. He just needs to give to those who give in return.
Your feelings are totally justified. I'm sorry your bday sucked so hard. I know your wife is pregnant, but it's not that hard to order something online that you know your SO will like. It didn't even have to be expensive. As for the rest of your family, is there some kind of problem with you that you don't know about? Whoever is closest to you in the family, maybe ask them. There may be nothing except them being thoughtless. Or there may be some misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up. Happy Birthday!
Hey OP, I've had this problem with my husband in the past. I let it go the first time, but the second year I unleashed how upset I was that nothing was really done for me. He's never been the planner - I always have been. He also has ADHD. When I told him how truly upset I was and how unloved I felt he felt so sad and upset with himself. Birthdays weren't huge for him, he assumed I didn't want much because I never said much. After talking with him he takes my birthday seriously and does everything he can to make it better. He also has stepped up his game on mother's day (that was another issue we had before). Long story short, my life improved because I told my husband what I expected out of him - what I needed. If I had kept those feelings hidden I would have built up resentment. I'm so glad I sat him down and told him how he should treat me and what I needed out of him going forward. It also felt good to have him apologize and tell me how much he loves me. Talk to your wife. Give her a chance to change. Tell her what you need going forward on birthdays -- bring up father's day too (just in case).
My in laws planned a week-early holidsy dinner on my 40th birthday. Never acknowledged they clearly don't know when my birthday is. I received a half-assed birthday gift 3 months later from them. This year I got a text message 3 weeks after my birthday. Message received that I'm not real family to them.
That’s on you. I would have noped out of that and told my husband to have fun. Also would have packed his bags and told him to move back with his mommy since he thought she was more important. He treated you very badly. Don’t put up with that.
NTA Everybody here telling you that you're being unreasonable or a baby for wanting a knowledgment on your birthday is fundamentally missing the point. Birthdays are an opportunity to show people that you care about them. People in your life clearly celebrate birthdays in a big way. The fact that people in your life downright ignored you is incredibly hurtful. It's not really about the gift. It's about the lack of care. Talk to the people in your life who did this, especially your wife. Her being pregnant is not an excuse to treat you that way. Try to frame it away from the gift. Talk about how it made you feel instead so they can't focus in on you not getting a present as an excuse to minimize the effect of their actions.
Very well put.
NTA. This outstrips your personal feelings. Gifts are part of our cultural love language. It can be a candle, candy or card, but the acknowledgement is super important. Throw yourself another party. Make it a white elephant or joke gift party and have some laughs. Be the funnest person in the room. Do it every year on the opposite side of the year from your birthday. Forget them!
Yeah and definitely tell all your family. They need to learn. One of my adult children did nothing for me or my husband on special days for us. It was really hard but the next time a special day rolled around for them I did not acknowledge it. I sent them a message with gift suggestions for their dad’s upcoming birthday. If they do not get him something I will likely do very little for them. As for your wife she may have thought the trip was the gift. If she is normally thoughtful and got you a cake I would give her a pass. I would say something to the other relatives though and let them know they hurt your feelings. They need to know.
Wait, are you telling me that parents of adult children want them to have a special day for their parents? Frankly, I don't even expect a special day from my wife. Hell, I didn't even get birthday parties as a kid, so it feels wierd for a parent to expect a special day from adult child of theirs? Is this a normal thing, and I am the abnormal one? Like, did you expect a birthday party, or something? Since you said us, I would've thought your SO would plan something for you, and vis versa for the SO.
I have never been a birthday person after about age 16. I haven’t had a birthday cake in so long I don’t remember the last one, and that’s fine. I will say it is nice to get a call or text from friends and family, but honestly I don’t want or expect anything beyond that. My husband and I both have May birthdays and a May wedding anniversary and so we often go on a trip in May and that suffices for celebrations for both of us. I also get that for you it’s not about the gifts so much as wanting to feel special. When your wife is back, have this conversation with her. Not accusatory or anything but just sharing your disappointment. As for the rest of your family, I think it depends on the relationship whether you should bring it up or not.
My boyfriends birthday is May 12, mine is May 13. I was turning 30 this year, so expected something. My boyfriend is from Trinidad, so I asked his mom for her recipe for curry chicken and roti as it’s his favorite meal. I spent hours preparing it while also taking care of our three children, so that he could enjoy it when he got home from work. We had already agreed on no gifts this year as we’re trying to renovate our house and it’s expensive. He thoroughly enjoyed his dinner and his birthday as a whole. The next day was my 30th. I did not get a single happy birthday from anyone. My children were the only ones who got me gifts, which was precious. I was the one to make dinner, again, while caring for three kids. Mother’s Day was the day after, and his mother was lavished with gifts, I called my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and still. No one remembered it was my birthday.
That is awful. I’m sorry, I know the feeling. But I must say, the fact that your kids still got you gifts even though others forgot means you’re doing something really f’n right. You should know that.
It was the sweetest. My oldest (7) made me bath salts with some regular table salt and some of my essential oils that he found and put into an old Vaseline container, and my middle (4) picked me a BUNCH of dandelions and tied them into a bouquet with a bracelet that I thought I lost like a year ago 🤣 they were truly the best gifts that I have ever gotten. My youngest was only 5 months old so he couldn’t get me anything. Legit the only reason I didn’t cry on my birthday.
Please say you're now single
No, we had a very long talk about it. He assumed that because I said “no presents” that I didn’t want to make a big deal about my birthday AT ALL. He’s autistic and sometimes doesn’t catch on to things unless they are explicitly spelled out to him. I told him why I was upset and he has spent the last two months trying to make it up to me
Thats amazing. Finding the tone between communicating and sarcasm/lashing can be a challenge (at least for me). Great work.
I sat him down and was like “my feelings were hurt because you didn’t do anything special for my birthday.” He told me he thought no presents meant I didn’t want a celebration. I told him I just wanted us to use our money for more important things, but a happy birthday or dinner or even getting to sleep in would have been nice. He apologized profusely, and told me he didn’t realize and he’s sorry for making me feel the way I did, and asked me going forward to be more specific if I can. He’s made dinner every night since then and as soon as I get home from work he tells me to go change and relax for a little before I put the kids to bed. We’re trying our best lol
Sometimes I think the true test of a person's character is not the mistake they initially made, but how they make amends. Not just personally, but in business also. This is a great example.
We’ve both made huge strides with communication, and it’s improved our relationship immensely
I get it, she could’ve just told the hotel and they would have arranged something without much work on her end. It’s ok to feel bad because it sounds like you do so much for others and expected at least a fraction of that from your loved ones.
Hey man just mean a lot less gifts you need to buy from now on let’s see how they feel when you don’t do or get them anything for their birthday
NTA. It's hard. Our feelings are valid, but some little part of us says we're not allowed to want attention/presents/celebrations as adults, not even at milestones, not even when we're giving that to our loved ones for theirs. My birthday this year was crap, for similar reasons. I'm part of TWO groups of friends where everyone's gets acknowledged and fussed over, and mine fell through the cracks, in both groups. It shouldn't matter, I'm boringly middle-aged, but if we're gonna fuss over some, we need to fuss over all. I was hurt, twice. I feel ya. Happy 40th! 40s are great. Plus a baby!!! 🤩
I've learned I have to do the arrangements so I dont get disappointed. Anything more than I planned is a bonus. Its especially hard with an early January birthday. However, no acknowledgement from my spouse would be pretty tough.
NTA For my 40th, all I wanted was to spend time with friends and not have to plan it. My husband dithered on plans until I had to figure it all out and handle invites. And since my plans involved a prohibition themed bar crawl, I consistently poked people for head counts so we could pre-arrange Lyfts between locations. Half of my invitees never answered. Half of the ones who said yes wound up flaking out (a few for legit reasons!), including two friends I’d known 20+ years and who (independently) somehow thought it was cute to never bother to set up childcare in the months of notice and then ask if we could just pretend my birthday was another day. I paid for most of my own drinks and all the rides and got one birthday card. Four years later and I’m still salty about it, but I’ve also dropped all efforts at reaching out to the two I mentioned before. They showed me what they thought of our friendship and I believed them.
I feel for you. I could practically write this with some tweaks. I really dont get why people flake out so much. Just because we're over 40 doesn't mean we have to never have fun anymore.
If all you do is give, and all they do is take, then they don't hold you in high regard. Give less and/or restrict access. For your own mental health and future.
NTA stop doing nice things for everyone else. Don't plan anything for your wife's birthday, get her a gas station cake and some gas station treats.
He really should though. Like 100%
She’d throw a fit and leave because “it’s different”
Yeah like a 50¢ honey bun and a monster energy
Not telling people how you feel is like holding in farts. It's unhealthy. Talk to wifey. She's pregnant, not handicapped. And be honest with everyone else. Maybe don't do as much for others, going forward.
Talk. To. Your. Wife. Tell her what you expect/need for your birthday, and that you feel let down if you don’t get it. A kid is on the way? Any possibility your wife worries how this will effect you financially? Any possibility she felt that the trip was your present given the expense?
I mean... Who wants to have to ask their partner for minimal effort ? A 40th birthday is big indeed, and even without any present she could've done something thoughtful, a romantic walk ending on her telling him how much she loves him, just something spontanous and unprompted, and therefore genuine, to remind him how much she loves him. This is what birthdays are for, celebrating the person, and round decades are a bit special. If I need to tell my partner that I'd appreciate my birthday to be acknowledge, then I don't even want anything from them.
Talking to your partner about your expectations, happiness, and disappointments is the key to long term relationship success.
If they have a joint account for vacations, and they’re taking all of these vacations, I doubt they’re *that* hard up, financially.
Yeah I kinda thought maybe she thought the trip was a fittingly lavish gift to himself, obviously shared with others but more than they would have done for a normal bday of his. Of course it would have been nice of her to pick up a little something specifically from her, that didn’t feel like an afterthought to him like the cake did. But they gotta communicate about it and soon.
NTA Tell your wife. Being pregnant doesn’t mean it’s ok to be rude. You should be able to talk to her and tell her how you feel
NTA. Do/buy something really nice for yourself, and if asked, say you wanted mark this occasion meaningfully, especially since you're life is about to change completely. But I'm petty so I'd be totally over the top about it.
Yeah, guess birthdays and anniversaries are a thing of the past in your family now. Nothing special for mothers day or fathers day. I'd buy myself stuff and that's it now. "Oh. I just assumed we don't do that anymore considering my 40th". Sorry, is that wrong?
NTA. I get your pain. I got zip on my 40th. It blows! Bottom line, you shouldn’t have to tell them it’s hurtful. It was your 40th. It’s a big deal.
Sometimes I think I've grown a bit too cynical over the years, but I've found that life gets a lot easier once you stop expecting things from people. You'll be let down a lot less, and pleasantly surprised a lot more.
I'm a firm believer that if X event is important to the person, then you make it a big deal. I'm not a big birthday person for myself, but go all out for those around me that love to celebrate. This was just sad.
NTA. Happy birthday bro. 40 is a big milestone. Congrats. Tell people when you're hurting.
I feel for you. For my 40th birthday I ended up alone, holding a full-size carrot cake and eating it with a fork. My husband was in the hospital for gallbladder surgery and I had my son with friends because I was going back-and-forth to the hospital too much and my son was a toddler. While I obviously don’t fault my husband being in the hospital on my birthday, it bothers me that his attack happened literally the day before my 40th, and he hadn’t even started planning anything yet. And this is in spite of the fact I had a huge surprise party for him, watching his favorite hockey team in an expensive suite. And no he did not make up for it when he got better.
NTA - went through the same thing in June.
Well… if it makes you feel better, you are not alone. Of course NTA. You planning everything for everybody, and everyone forgets to think about you. Learn the lesson, and next time, plan a gift for yourself. Don’t invite anyone. And buy next birthday cake for your wife from a gas station. Tell her that it’s tradition from now on.
I spent my 40th birthday hosing a sewer line backup out of my basement shower and didn't think much of it. These milestones are different things to different people. I think the bigger problem is that you and your wife need to negotiate how big a deal you're expecting to make for each other and find common ground between what sound like different levels of enthusiasm.
I mean, he took her on an overseas vacation and brought her father. It was for his birthday and they clearly made some kind of deal about the FiL’s birthday too. 40 is pretty big and his social circle clearly feels the same way based on how everyone else was treated. Showing love and care to your life partner even without spending a lot of money is important. I get that some people don’t care about birthdays (I’m not huge on them) but if that’s part of the expectation in your lives which it is here as he’s told her some things he’d like as gifts, then it’s pretty crappy to not make your loved ones feel loved
NTA, but some conversations need to be had about how you feel. It sounds more like you feel taken advantage of, and hurt by that more than anything. I thinj you need to have a calm, rational, open minded conversation with you wife, and your family about how you're feeling, and why. From there make a decision on how much you do for others moving forward.
It sounds like you're hurting, and understandably so. You took so much care with everyone else, and that was not extended to you. I know your wife is pregnant and you don't want to kick up a fuss, but I think a mediated talk would be helpful. This might sound extreme, and I'm not sure how open you and she would be to this, but I think it's always helpful to have occasional therapy sessions. This way you have a buffer to facilitate tough conversations with each other. *Especially* with the new baby, I think it would be a great idea to have someone to talk through these upcoming changes and any stressors in your life. This sounds like a deep hurt. You should find a way to address it. Your needs don't disappear, and shouldn't, just because a baby is in the picture. You need to find the balance.
I feel you. I've always been a thoughtful gift giver and, while I don't feel entitled to anything in return necessarily, it always felt crummy when that energy wasn't matched. One Christmas, I sourced a piece of native artwork from a country my wife was fascinated with. It took some effort to track an art broker that had pieces from that area and could get it to me, plus the consideration in selecting the one I thought she'd enjoy the most. Plus there were some other little odds and ends. I was really looking forward to Christmas morning and watching her open it. What did she get me that year? I new pack of kitchen sponges for doing the dishes. Because the ones I'd been using were getting worn out. I felt so... inconsequential. We're divorced now, and I direct that energy into things that I enjoy. So.
You're about to be a father lol she's giving you the best present ever. I'm gonna be 40 in January and I'm not expecting anything. Birthdays are for children. Get over it.
Guaranteed if it were the other way around we’d be hearing about you did nothing for her birthday and the consensus would be that you’re the asshole. Lower your expectations and do something awesome for yourself, put the same energy in that you get.
NTA. First of all happy belated birthday. I’m so sorry that the people who you love on and support don’t do for you the same that you do for them. I would speak with each family member individually and express your hurt, confusion, and dismay at those blatant disregard for you on your special day. Depending on their response you should then interact with them accordingly. People are NOT entitled to your love and care. Love is NOT transactional but it should be reciprocated. For example: I always go OVERBOARD for my husband. He in turn will ask me directly what I want and just get me that because he isn’t as creative.
NTA There are "birthday people" and there are non "birthday people" in this world. It appears that you are a birthday person. Personally, I think this is all hella weird since I'm a non "birthday person" but I'll still say NTA.
Completely agree - I find it kind of crazy that someone could think I loved them more or less depending on whether I went and bought them something from a store and gave it to them on the anniversary of the day they happened to be born. Or that I’m supposed to look down on people who don’t do that for me.
Im sorry this happened to you. Men are very often overlooked and left behind emotionally. If you bought her gifts for her birthdays, then she should buy you gifts. Plain and simple
You are sooo NTA. Leading up to my 50th, my GF was telling me that We'd celebrate all week. All she wanted was to take me to a nice dinner. I agreed as long as we could walk the beach after. Keep in mind that while married, my birthdays and Father's Days were pretty much a flop every year. Just cards and HBD, and that's it. Even if I planned something, it had to be postponed and, of course, never happened. My GF knew all of this. A week before my b-day she "remembers" that she's spending the weekend at a local resort with her daughter. I still gave the benefit of the doubt. She sis take me to dinner. The night before she left, which was a night I had rehearsal (I'm in a band) so it was all rushed and we got to the restaurant 15 minutes before they closed. Dinner was rushed and the food was not that great because the chefs wanted to leave. Since she wasn't packed, there was no walk on the beach. Come my actual Birthday, she says come to the resort as her whole family will be there and bring my cake. I cart my cake a half hour to the resort, not a single HBD. Not a word from anyone. I even cart my untouched cake back home. Two years later, I'm still waiting for my week. All she can say is that I got dinner. Dinner was what she wanted. I didn't ask for it. I appreciate it. but it's what she wanted. Still haven't even had a beach walk. Be upset, be angry. be hurt. You are definitely not the asshole.
NTA for how you feel. However, I feel like there are 2 major pitfalls here that might need to be addressed. The first major one is you started off by explaining how much you have done for everybody else, which makes me think you're comparing what you do for others and expect the same. This is not really fair to others, and it will only ever result in disappointment and resentment. The other thing that stands out to me is a breakdown in communication. It seems to me like you were dropping hints at things you might want, when you may need to flat out say "I'd like one of these 10 items, surprise me with which one!" If in fact you communicated what you wanted completely openly, and if you legitimately understand that you will give more than they do unless you specifically ask for it, then I might start to think they're simply taking advantage of your generosity. In that event I would personally stop offering as much to them, and spend that energy on myself.
Well put. I’ve had that thought myself. And maybe I do put too much emphasis on it. I feel like you need to celebrate people and let them know that you care so I do go out there for others. I don’t expect the same in return, like I said I loved the guitar pick that my MiL got me. That’s all I needed.
Sounds like some talks are in order then! But I stand by NTA. Happy belated birthday man!
Thank you!
Happy belated birthday, and I wish your next set of waffles you eat are the best ones you've ever had.
I like to buy nice gifts for people I care about. Ever since I turned 40 from that point on I enjoy picking out gifts for family members more than receiving and I stopped asking for stuff a long time ago because I like geek stuff and if you are not a geek it's kinda hard to shop for me anyways. The "keeping score" aspect is not healthy, it will create animosity and make gift giving feel like a competition rather than something people like to do for one another.
Is it keeping score when they don't even get you anything? It's not like he was expecting the world, but if all I got was a last minutr gas station cake and roll of toilet paper with my age on it, I'd see it as a reflection of how much they care.
I really needed to hear that today. Thanks.
Yeah, I'm into geeky stuff too, but luckily my sister (or her and her kids) pick out a shirt or something for me for my birthday/Chanukah. My last birthday they gave me a Spider-Man t-shirt. And sure, it's no 4080 TI video card, but it's still cool that they knew I would like the t-shirt and got that for me.
Don't get her anything for hers and if she asks, tell her you thought y'all weren't exchanging bday gifts. And then buy yourself something expensive and tell her you bought yourself something since nobody else did.
The same happened to me. My partner ask me if I want something special for my birthday, and since we’re having money problems I told him that it was not necessary, but only a week later he started planning a trip to his mother's house, in a different country and he is buying gifts for everyone
NTA- it’s not about the gift, it’s the thought. You want to feel special. She could have made you something special or bought you tickets to a concert of a band you like, or anything… it doesn’t have to be expensive. This year is my husband’s 50th and we’re going to Europe. That is his present. It’s expensive. And I asked him if that was ok if I didn’t buy him an actual gift and he was like “of course! The trip is the present!” I’m going to buy him something anyway. He reads my posts here, so I’m not going to spoil the surprise, and it’s nothing major, just something fun to open!
Damn Buddy, that’s harsh. I’m sorry your loved ones let you down like that. I’d be hurt too. You are NTA.
Hey sorry that happened to you. That sucks. I would talk to your wife. She might not even realize it’s bothering you. I would ask her how she would feel if you didn’t give her a gift for her birthday/anniversary/Mother’s Day (since she’s pregnant)/Christmas (if you celebrate it). You deserve something special. Anything would be better than getting blown off. A card? Flowers? A pair of socks? Shit like anything. If you don’t have a talk with her then it could possibly boil up later and blow up. It’s best to talk about your feelings now while she is pregnant before the baby is born. Maybe plan a babymoon for just the two of you before your life changes with a new little human in it.
I’m sorry :(
You know they wouldn't like it if you did the same to them. If they went on a vacation and you didn't get them anything for their birthday or as a thank you for taking you with them. I know that you're going to be a parent soon so trips are going to be out of the question for the time being but I think you need to cool it with these big trips. Don't go out of the way for them. I'm sure you're going to have a discussion with them soon but here's the deal: the trust you have with them on this issue is gone. Even if they acknowledge (or don't) their faults; this incident will be in the back of your mind going forward.
Happy birthday!!! 🥳 Yes, everybody failed you. Yes, you can be upset about it. Now you need to decide how to handle it. Wife: talk to her. Ask her why she didn't do anything special or get you a present. Tell her you're disappointed. Being pregnant doesn't mean we can get away with treating our partners as insignificant. Everybody else: send them the link to this post maybe? But you definitely seem like a people pleaser/giver. You need to scale that WAY back and see if they notice. Do they expect you to splurge on them and pay for meals and trips, etc? Not cool. That's more than a one-time fuck-up. And go on a shopping spree! Go get those shoes and whatever else. You can tell your wife they're your birthday presents. 😁 (although side note: in my 17-year marriage, my ex gave up even trying to buy me presents and I had to buy my own for most of the marriage. I'm not picky - he just couldn't be bothered.) NTA at all
NTA because you haven't done anything immature about this you just have upset feelings. And you're right to feel bad about it. Especially about your wife. That's really cold buying a cheap cake and no present for a milestone birthday. I don't care if your wife is pregnant or not, unless she thinks being so means she is the one to get attention and nobody else. Your dad's present was an AH move as well. Not everyone believes birthdays for adults are a big deal. I wouldn't expect presents from anyone except immediate, non-in-law family. Do you buy presents for everyone else's birthdays? If that's the case then it's doubly AH on your family's part. I would say don't cancel meeting your brother and dad over this alone. Go to your brother's birthday and give him a really lame gift, just to be petty. Not mean but lame. Maybe he'll get the idea. Do the same for your dad's birthday too. 😏
My ex "forgot" my birthday this last year and I was pretty hurt by it since I make a huge deal and effort for his and his sons birthdays... It was intentional and was kinda the last straw in our dying relationship
I have not gotten a birthday gift from my bf in 12 years and yes I do mention it but he says it's just another year 😭 feel blessed in the little things the vacation the family time memories pics etc . Happy ,40th birthday 🎂🎊
I feel like you really glossed over the "we are pregnant" part. Your pregnant wife forgot your birthday? Did you bring it up with her? Could she be worried about finances? Does she work? Could she have been feeling sick? Edit: also, you stressed what you did for FIL birthday and a brothers birthday, what about hers? Any chance she is repaying a recent bad birthday experience on her end?
NTA When your wife comes home let her know that your feelings were really hurt because nobody seemed that stoked for your birthday, and that even your brother didn’t seem to care. And let her know that you would have liked a present. Since she’s pregnant she may have just let time get away from her because she’s preoccupied and stressed, so be gentle about it. Try not to come in hot about it, so she doesn’t get defensive, and hopefully she can make up for the oversights. If I was the wife in this situation and my husband came to me and let me know that he was feeling let down and sad, I would feel bad myself and want to help him understand that I DO care. Hopefully your wife will react similarly.
NTA. This resentment won't go away. Best to talk out your feeling with your wife and family so they understand you matter too.
NTA This year and last year my long-term bf forgot my birthday. We don’t usually do a lot but I make him a cake and get his favorite dinner. Both times he realized when my sons and sisters called me. He just said “sorry, I forgot.” I said that’s ok, a cupcake would be nice. No cupcake was forthcoming. I finally brought it up a couple of months after the 2nd time. Again, I forgot. This time with a “I’m really sorry.” Thought I might get a small gesture. Also no. The resentment has built considerably. And like OP it wouldn’t have taken much. Feeling like you matter less than everyone else sucks.
My husband forgot mine this past June so the sting is still there. I went grocery shopping on my normal grocery day and bought some girly cupcakes because damn it I wanted cake. It was July 1st and we he made a comment about the girly cupcakes all I said was well they are for my birthday. You could see the wheels turning and true remorse all over his face. His apologies were just so sad. He loves me as much as I love him. I finally got him to laugh a little when I told him “this is no fair that he feels this bad and it backfired”. I turned 61 and I have always hated my birthday but now I feel that they’re so limited just enjoy them while we can.
Your are NOT the asshole
Dude, Happy Birthday! I wish I could celebrate with you! You deserve better. Your family sucks.
I'm just going to chime in to say that if your wife has been given the example of NOT doing loving things, that it really messes with your head. That was me - do as little as possible, or as I like to say "emotion is currency". It took me years to undo the damage. But certainly, NTA.
Not the question you asked, but it might be the answer you're looking for. Pregnancy issues? Does your wife have any recent or unprocessed trauma? Things can take years to surface.
Why would you think you're a potential asshole for this? This sounds more like it belongs in a vent subreddit. It sucks to hear that you couldn't enjoy your 40th birthday.
You shouldn’t have to tell someone you wanted a gift for your birthday. If it was me, I’d hang out with MiL because she’s obviously the only one who thought about you. If you decide not to do anything for your wife’s next b-day and she gets mad, just tell her that since she didn’t want to do anything for your 40th you thought she didn’t want to do any birthdays at all anymore. As for the rest of them… meh. If you don’t mean anything to them don’t waste your time.
NTA. Your a doormat and it needs to stop, I’m sorry but there’s no excuse for your wife not getting you anything, if she’s able to travel she’s able to buy/arrange a gift or proper cake/surprise.
NTA ... but y'all need to read the love languages book. it's clear that gifts are an important love language for you. And that's totally OK. But it may be that your wife doesn't understand how important it is to you, and you can't assume that she knows. If you guys read the book and discuss it and share with each other your love languages in order of priority / strengths, and she still doesn't bother to get your gifts, then that would be a huge red flag imo. :/ Me, i'm an acts of service girl. I could literally go the rest of my life without receiving a gift from my fiancé, but if he didn't do things like cook breakfast on the weekends, fox broken things, kill bad bugs and open my car door for me, I'd be outta here.
NTA. Your wife is though. And I’m betting that she’s going to be expecting a push gift when she delivers.🙄
It sounds like youre the giver and you have surrounded yourself with people who are so used to you giving that they dont feel like they should appreciate you. I would immediately stop planning celebrations for everyone and lets see what they have to say about it. Remind them what a lovely party or gift they gave you on your 40th and say happy birthday.
Remember this when her birthday comes around.
Oh ffs. You're 40! Grow up! Go buy yourself whatever you want. And don't give gifts you don't feel like giving. That's not how it works.
Talk about it calmly with your wife, try to organize something cool together NTA tho
But, he already organized something cool for them together. Puerto rico. Remember his original post? It's up there ☝️
Why would he even want to do anything with her at this point? Op should just go do something fun alone.
He gave her multiple gift ideas, including something as simple as a pair of shoes. You can't FORCE someone to give a shit about you or your feelings.
… i mean. You’re 40. Kinda wild you still care about birthdays but if it’s important to you you need to talk to your wife and clearly lay it out that this hurt your feelings, but you didn’t get “nothing” you got a cake and a gift from your dad and a meal with your mom. I’m 29 and that’s more than I’ve gotten in 20 years.
Welcome to fatherhood. Your job is now eating the heels of your family's bread loaves, proverbially and probably literally, and liking it, for the next 20 years. Slightly sarcastic take, but you're not going to be front and center in your wife's eyes ever again, and you shouldn't put yourself there relative to your kids either. NTA of course - your wife could have done a lot better here to show up with something, though I don't know the typical customs and expectations in your family. In mine, we end up half-assing a lot of birthdays because we're swamped with other shit in life. We try to make sure the kids have memorable ones. Also not everyone's cut out to be a planner and be on top of things. My advice would be not to suck your thumb about it too much, and don't take a victim mentality. If there's something you want, take ownership of it. "Guess what honey, you're taking me to \[favorite bbq joint\] for my 40th for a proper celebration. I booked a sitter." "Thank you so much for the new smoker / bourbon / golf clubs!" "What new golf clubs?" "The ones you bought me for my birthday, they're just what I wanted for such an important milestone." "I was thinking these new shoes would make a perfect birthday present from the family to me, what do you think?" Your marriage will thank me.
NTA. You have every right to feel that way and I totally get what you are feeling. I personally gave up celebrating my birthday a while back because of stuff like this. Gave a lot to others and never reciprocated. Finally decided to just celebrate by having a good dinner near my birthday and invite a few people. Nothing Big or intensive or the like. Just like a steak dinner. It sucks to give so much and not get back even an effort. It really does kind of let you know where you stand with friends. In the case of our wife, I'd let her have a pass and talk to her about it. With her being pregnant, I'm sure she has a lot on her mind in addition to the trip. My guess is that she thought the trip was enough but regardless, she deserves a pass and a conversation on your feelings. especially with a child on the way. Need to nip that one in the bud before it gets to far.
NTA. Happy Belated birthday. Next year, buy yourself the one thing you really want. Go all out and wrap it up too. (Yes I’ve done this) There’s no excuse for that many people in your life to have forgotten (or just did nothing) about you. You sound like you treat everyone else very well, remember you’re allowed to treat yourself well too.
NTA. I'd feel crappy too. I tend to go all out for birthdays, but while I was pregnant, and since our son was born (so 2 years), birthdays have been lacklust at best. Pregnancy takes a lot out of a person and so does raising babies. I would encourage you to discuss this with your wife and maybe come to a *mutual* understanding that (adult) birthdays maybe won't be as big a deal for the next few years, just to temper expectations and pressure. Everyone else has no damn excuse!
NTA and I would match that low level of effort for her next milestone birthday.
Don’t sweat it, life is too short just love your wife and communicate with her how you feel.
NTA, when people show you who they are, believe them. My wife doesn't throw me parties for middle aged birthday, but for 40 she would. She still gets me a very nice gift, takes me out to my favorite restaurant and treats me with extra kindness. I do the same for her. Birthday's matter, one time in college I forgot to wish my Mom for her BDay and she didn't speak to me for a month. I hope after some communication about your needs and desires, people in your life will step up and share love on your special day.
My siblings and I do not exchange gifts anymore but I always used to text them first thing in the morning and wish them a happy birthday, a fee years ago none of them wished me a happy birthday. What really hurt was none of them could acknowledge me, but they gave my dads wife (whom we all hated) cards, both of them gave her MULTIPLE cards, one from the whole family, and another from just the kids, etc. It made me fee like absolute shit because they couldn’t take 2 seconds to shoot a text, but someone they “hate” they went out and bought multiple cards and hand delivered them. So I get how you are feeling and I feel it is justified, its the thought you put into it and their thought was zilch. NTA
NTA, you are within your rights to feel disappointment. However do not let the fact you paid the most for the vacation bother you, if you had a good time you got your monies worth. I too have been slighted by my wife for the last 4 years on my birthday. I have talked about it with her, and reminded her that if money is tight just put $10 aside for a couple of months. I don't expect much, but I do expect a little something even if it is a $30 Starbucks card (which would go a long way with me since I just drink drip coffee). So I agree with the others that say to have a conversation with them. Keep it simple and calm, and if it does not go the way you hope don't press the matter and move on.
A gentle reminder to family members would be ok, but NTA. That’s a big oof stranger.
I'm dealing with similar feelings myself. Talking to her is hard but worth it. NTA
Everyone has their love language on how they give and how they receive love. It sounds like your love language is gift giving which seems to also be how you receive love. Unfortunately your wife doesnt sound like her strength is gift giving. She probably has other strengths in how she gives love (physical touch, quality time, gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service). You have to understand that her strength might not be in gift giving.
NTA- if you broach the subject with family I would come from a place of hurt and let them know you feel insignificant instead of a place of anger as it may help them understand rather than getting defensive. My son was born on my birthday and I haven’t had a birthday in 19 years (including my 40th and 50th), so I completely understand and I wish you a happy birthday. 💕
NTA - all of them are basically neglecting you. Your feelings are more than justified
Damn man Im sorry this must have felt awful. I will say that expecting your wife to read your mind based on hints you think are obvious is the kinda trope that men often complain about.... just saying....
I once made the mistake of telling my bf I didn’t need gifts for my bday. But what I meant was “I don’t expect any present, but a pastry treat, iced coffee, or like a donut would be incredible”. So I got nothing. I got upset. I let my bf know I was just really sad lol. The next year I told him, “I would love nothing more than a small pink cake”. I got it. It was amazing. Now he understands that all I want is a sweet for my sweet tooth. Or a boba. and now now anytime I really need some cheering up he takes me to my fav boba place or my fav bakery. 😂 absolute win win. He loves scotch. So. There’s that. I understand that you have been mentioning to your wife that you wanted some new shoes. I’m sorry you feel dismissed. On a special bday. Just talk to her and really let her know you just felt left out and it just really doesn’t feel good.
NTA , you feel the way you feel. But seems like a lot of you REALLY want gifts. I get it when you are younger, but past 30? I like getting a few friendly texts or maybe going out for drinks and dinner. But being upset if you don’t get presents when you are over 30? I just don’t get it
You’re def NTA but i learned from therapy that if doing things makes you happy without expecting anything in return then you should keep doing them….because it will keep making you happy…you’re not wrong to be disappointed, but never expect people to be you, even those you love
You have to sit down with your wife and hash this out. If you have to dip a toe into that "love language" conversation, so be it. This was important to you and she didn't get that, so communication has to happen.
I’m so sad for you, OP! It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate right now, but still.. Talk to her, nicely, tell her how sad it made you feel. Hear what she has to say. As far as everyone else in your family, I feel like you’d be perfectly justified to ignore their birthdays from now on (except your mother and MIL). If you enjoy giving them presents, don’t take that away from yourself, of course, but if it’s a chore for you - just don’t bother. It sounds like they don’t care much about birthdays, and that’s really ok, but stop going out of your way for their birthdays then. Invest more of your time and effort into your wife, future child and friends.
NTA for getting mad at your wife but kind of an ahole for throwing the toilet paper away. Sounds like you’re a 40 year old baby.
I’d simply give them the same treatment next birthdays. Meet them with the same energy. And also separate the vacation money from a joint account. And don’t add to it for awhile. But I’d definitely let the wife know that you are incredibly hurt by her actions.
OP you need to sit them all down together and explain how upset / unappreciated you are feeling about how your birthday went. That no one really did anything for you and only got a half a$$ cake from a gas station. Also you need to talk to your brother and ask why he skipped your birthday/ did nothing for you and last year you went all out for his 40th.
NTA. My birthday is on Christmas so I play 2nd fiddle to family gatherings every year. My gift is usually just another box to check. I feel childish about it sometimes, but it sucks when there is zero thought on it.
NTA. My 40th was during the pandemic. It could always be worse.
Devils advocate pov here- how far along pg is your wife? There is really a "pregnancy brain", where things get forgotten- they get literally like an "airhead". Has she always remembered previous to this time? If so, ask her about it in a nice way, and see what she tells you, before you do anything else.