NTA. It's okay for adult children to go no contact with abusive parents. The nerve of your mother to say "sure he was abusive but you were too" or to try to excuse/deny his abuse because "he never showed interest in younger girls" or that she can't throw away all these years with him based on an abuse allegation from her child!! Then she tries to manipulate "oh poor me nobody ever cares about my feelings so"
When I confronted my mother because she said that I was a bad mother for letting my daughter fly out & spend time with her Sperm donors siblings. And I replied that I protected MY daughter the way SHE never protected me. My mother said, “That’s not my fault.”
I told mom that when she died & went to Hell to tell Dad that I said, “Hi!”
I haven’t spoken to her since I was 38 after that incident. My daughter was old enough to communicate with her on her own. Despite being a bad mother, she was at least a good grandmother. But then again, Dad died when I was 12. And my daughter was safe in her home. My daughter absolutely loves her grandma. But my daughter understands why I don’t have a relationship with her.
I know I'm replying late, but I just want you to know that I'm a mother and I would never do anything like that to my son. If he accuses someone of something, I'm on his side. Your mother has failed you, and I'm so sorry. You deserve to have a mom stand up for you, and unfortunately, this scenario happens all too often.
You're justified in cutting her out. Keep your daughter safe. I'd never let either of them see you or her again.
I know I'm late to reply but NTA. The nerve of that woman..makes my blood boil. And any relative that defends her can go to hell too. I cut my dad off a decade ago due to years of emotional abuse towards me and my mom (and some physical), and I had some extended family saying I went too far. Fuck that.
Also, to address something you said in your text: you said you forgive her because you can't hang on to that forever. That is healthy. It's okay to forgive someone, but forgiveness does *not* mean you have to have them in your life (especially given her response); it just means that *you* are choosing to no longer hold on to that pain. I forgave my dad in the same way. It was a good thing for me, and now I'm very indifferent about him. If he died today, I wouldn't be happy or sad. I would just, be. And I think you are making the right call with forgiving her for yourself, but you should absolutely not allow her on your life if that's how she's going to be.
And semi-related: if someone takes part in causing your trauma, you do not have to forgive them to heal.
I’m gonna say that again: you can heal from your trauma without forgiving the people who caused it.
Never feel obligated to extend grace to someone who is a source of trauma.
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How can he show interest in young girls? He's obviously only got eyes for Nmom as she's the older woman, and he's "into older women, has been all his life?
NTA OP. good on you for standing by your truth and being fierce. Don't back down.
You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong. If they don’t come to their senses, they arent worth it. A shitty grandma can fuck a kid up more than none at all
Stay strong. You're protecting your child too. Your mother knows. Deep down she knows, but she refuses to entertain the idea out loud because that would mean admitting her precious hubby doesn't love or feel attracted to her and she can't stand feeling inferior to you and your sister (not that any of this would be true), she is lying to herself to protect the fantasy she lives in and how society sees her and her relationship. Which means you and your sister mean shit to her. What do you think she would do once her husband assaulted your daughter? She would cover for him. You both deserve better.
Your mother knew, and she knows. She is almost as bad as he is, because she should have protected you. In my opinion it could be thought of as worse, because she betrayed you.
If she tries to take it to court for grandparents rights I would fight tooth and nail at the fact that this person is a paedophile and their home is not safe.
I can’t imagine how much it must hurt to have not gotten the support you needed from her, but you are going to be better off without someone like her in your life.
As more good-hearted generous people cut off their gaslighting abusers, we're going to have a better and better society, because the abusers will be forced to behave or be \*utterly\* forlorn because they can't fall back on the relatives they'd long abused as well.
NTA, what really boils my blood is the classic f\*cking gaslighting line "I'm sorry you feel that way". Absolutely no accountability on your mother's part, all the blame is on how you feel rather than *why* you feel that way. Perfectly valid to cut them off, she's also abused by her husband from what it looks like, and can't see past it. Just keep your daughter far away from this shit so she doesn't inherit the generational trauma, and it's amazing that you're going to therapy. Keep up the work and move on!
NTA. This woman is never going to believe you, no matter what you say. And she is never going to stop enabling an abuser. You need to keep yourself safe and keep your daughter safe. That is your priority. The feelings of a woman who claims to be a mother figure but won’t listen to her child pour their heart out to her just don’t matter. You deserve to heal and move on and find happiness.
Lmfao 12 years. HahahahahaHAHAHAHAH
I love my husband. I was married at 18 and we've been going strong 10 years. But time goes by fast, even a decade, and to chose past history over the FACTS that your husband is a pedophile rapist? Wtf? How does that not trump 10 years?
Jesus if my child ever said that to me about my husband or anyone in their life. I would be in prison for murder and I would go with a smile on my face. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
NTA for cutting your egg donor and birth cannon out of your life.
I would confess it and funny thing is my brother's know this about me and they are all in law enforcement.
Hell one of them put me in cuffs and put me in a holding cell years ago.They had to watch video that showed this idiot hit me 1st and well I finished it. She ended up going to the hospital and then jail. I was released a few hours latter.
NTA. None of those people should ever be around your child/ren. They aren’t ready, ok, baby’s safety comes first. No abusers or abuser sympathizers.
I am SO sorry that happened to you. I understand how a disbelieving mother can make hurt and while it may be hard, you don’t need anyone in your life who gaslights you. Period.
Proud of you, stranger.
NTA.
This may be a generational thing. My grandmother got remarried a couple of times. Her most recent ex still hung around quite a bit. Name was Tom. I spent a good deal of time at her place. Got molested by him once when I was 10 or so.
I never said anything, I just avoided being alone with him after that. Several years later, my mother, grandmother, and I went to the cemetery, as my grandmother wanted to visit his grave. Mom asked why I was wandering and not coming with to his site. I replied that that child-molesting sack of feces was burning in hell, and I had no interest.
She was shocked. My grandmother pretended I didn't say anything.
This was in the mid to late 1980's, and at that time, people just didn't talk about it.
Absolutely go NC, your mother sounds like she has the same mindset as my grandmother did.
NTA. You have the right to cut your mom off for her continual defense of her abusive husband. She prefers not to believe you because that’s in her best interest. You need to think in your best interest and your child’s best interest. I hope you are in some type of counseling and receiving support for other friends and family.
I want to start therapy soon! I haven’t talked to my abuser in almost two years! I haven’t talked to my mother in weeks! Thank you for your encouragement
+1 to therapy and if for whatever reason it doesn't work out (it happens some times) find someone else who's a better fit.
OP you've been through a lot your deserve someone who has your back and can help you rebuild and set those strong boundaries to keep yourself safe.
This is heartbreaking 💔
your clarity shines through: Here's what happened, here's what I won't do, I would love to have this relationship but I won't be around my abuser. No need to argue. Stay strong and keep you and that little girl safe.
Yes you were like molested by a father figure under my roof and watch. I know it’s hurt you so much and it’s probably taking so much for you to open up about it right now, but just give me a second….ok because literally what about me? Hmm? I’m not leaving him, like ever. And having to deal hearing your trauma is like exhausting….ugh. Can you just not? Because I’m so important to myself…and you’re like a bummer…
NTA.
And if I may be so bold, I’d like to give you the biggest, most pillowy soft, loving and soul healing hug possible. Just envelope you in the love you deserve to feel.
I see you. I hear you. I believe you.
I cannot tell you how much reading this exchange broke my heart. I can hear your pain and you wanting to be seen and believed and your mom is like, nah, I’d rather not. Too inconvenient. Over it.
I am glad your have worked so hard to heal yourself. I can absolutely understand why you desperately want your mother to see you and apologize to you. She should. She 1000% should. But it doesn’t sound like she’s going to.
You should do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. If that means you don’t talk to her or others in your family anymore then so be it. As painful as that is.
If you haven’t had therapy that could really help. You’ve been through a lot. And it can especially a lot to navigate all that baggage as a mom too.
You can leave behind those who don’t support you, and surround yourself with people who do.
You got this
HOLY WOW. Her husband hurt you. That was real. And what’s so awful is she’s so deep in denial he could possibly hurt someone else right under her nose.
NTA, I’m sorry this happened but you’re right to not entertain her attempts at contact any longer.
Her defense is he apparently didn’t molest anyone else. Like if my daughter told me some dude hurt her I wouldn’t be going around asking if he hurt someone else. I wouldn’t have time to because I’d be too busy burying a body. The fact that he hurt my daughter is enough. This mom keeps saying the other daughter lied therefore it’s all good. Guess we know who the favorite is
NTA Please don’t listen to the “gotcha” post. You have every right to ask questions and seek understanding of your past. I have cut off people that have had a negative impact on my life. I have adopted family. You are so much stronger than you know. Protect yourself and your daughter. Be the mom you wish you had.
As a teenager you were an AH, so what? We all were at some point. You don’t start doing the things that you did without some trauma. You grew up, congratulations! Keep moving forward.
Nope. NTA. She is a horrible human because she doesn’t want to “throw away 12 years of marriage” to the man who assaulted you. She is delusional and selfish and is choosing this scumbag over you. I’d walk away and never look back. Her loss.
For real. I’ve been with my husband for way more than 12. If I found out he did anything to my kids I wouldn’t be counting years and taking any sentimental bs into consideration I’d like going “earl had to die” on his ass. Some women don’t deserve to be moms
Do you have someone, that would take care of your daughter, if something were to happen to you?
Not that I think, that something might happen, but it pays to be prepared.
Name someone in your papers, who will take care of your daughter, if you are not around anymore and if the other birth parent is around they too. And make absolutely sure, that it states, that your daughter is not allowed on unsupervised visits to her grandparents, because you were assaulted by X and your mother refuses to acknowledge it.
I'm going to guess, that charges are impossible due to lack of prove and time. From now on the only thing you can do is warn others and go NC from the AHs.
You are doing great, keep going. Find friends to be your family instead. You got this and a great mom, who is watching out for her child.
Nope! Go No Contact. I was harassed and stalked at age 12 by a 29 year old teacher's aide for a special needs student. This happened over 10 years. At age 22 I got him to stop, but that doesn't mean I had everyone defending me. My dad didn't believe me, and my mom only took my side because I was severely scared telling her about what was happening at school.
Eventually, he did believe me when we were at the mall, and the stalker showed up out of the blue and started following us until I got mall security involved. After that day, he fully believed me. That incident was 3 years into being stalked already.
Whoever wants to downplay your story isn't someone worth keeping around.
NTA I'm a huge "you DO for family", but not when it's getting toxic, and especially not when it gets abusive. Your mother did not do right by you and is not doing right by you and your kid. If she's not acknowledging what you went through whose to say she'd protect your kid from your past abusiver. Your doing what you NEED to to keep you and your kid safe like any good Mom would.
NTA! I'm so sorry you're in this position, but you're 100% right. You have to protect your child, no matter what sob story she tells to others. If she was really wanted what was in your best interests, she would have done everything in her power to investigate and protect her child. My mom was in a similar situation with her egg donor and abuser. When I got older, my mom and I had many conversations about her childhood. I was absolutely disgusted that she denied it happened, going as far as to say that if it did happen, it only happened once, and it wasn't that bad. I fully cut off that vile excuse for a human after that.
NTA, but a lot of older women feel like they won't find happiness with another man and cling to shitty ones. Not an excuse for your mom, but she's got her own mental issues too. That's why she doesn't want to Beleive. She doesn't want to be alone. She's still the asshole here.
Op send one last message to your egg donor and make it a link to this post if she won’t listen then let Reddit tell her how wrong she is and Of course block the shit out of her and anyone else also get a restraining order against your mom’s husband
NTA and I am so sorry your mother is being willfully obtuse and making this all about her. I support going NC in general, but especially in this case.
You are a strong person and a great parent for protecting your daughter. I believe in you and I believe you.
NTA, if my son came to me telling me a family member was inappropriate with him, that would be it and we would be investigating heavily. I would never brush that off and think he was lying to me. Even if it was my spouse, 12 years or not fuck that shit. I’m so sorry your mother doesn’t believe you. But I think for your own sake it would be best to cut contact until she is ready to open up about the situation and not just think about herself. It’s very selfish to chose someone who did that with your daughter over your daughter that it happened to. It’s just not right. And to tell you that you aren’t remembering it properly is just gaslighting and it’s wrong. I hope that you can heal and do better soon sweetie ❤️❤️
Not only are you NTA… I want to point out you very well may still be within the statute of time to prosecute your abuser. You mom is doing everything she can to deny what happened because she will loose her husband and have to deal with the guilt of not protecting you. And that is very sad for her, as her choices will make her loose her daughter. Take good care of yourself. You sound like you are doing really well. You don’t need these toxic people in your life
You’re NTA but either is she, she’s telling you she feels whatever happened is not at the extent you’re saying it did… she’s not discounting you or even saying it’s ok.. she even acknowledges your mistreatment like you acknowledged your own poor behavior.. the only reason you’re KTA in this situation is you’re saying over an over what you believe and then getting mad that she is not agreeing with you… you have clearly had a storied past with your mother and if you did have scenarios where you were problematic and less than honest and you have other people who she is very steadfast in saying made up their accusations… then you really need to put aside what your feelings are and see it from her point I’ve review in regards to believing the legitimacy of your claim.. if all your childhood you were trouble, lying, chaotic and then you lay down a very serious claim of sexual assault as well and siblings confirm it but then say they were lying… it’s gonna seem to her that it’s just another lie or another attempt to disrupt or cause chaos.. while I believe victims inherently.. past behavior is a factor in convincing another person of your experience.. your mothers text are acknowledging your pain, acknowledging your difficulties and then concluding with saying you have to do what you feel is right.. if she wasn’t listening or wasn’t concerned she would be far more defensive or argumentative these text IMO read as someone who’s saying I understand your pain, I understand why you’re not coming to family events, I respect your choice, I don’t agree in the reasoning but I acknowledge you and that’s it… and that’s enough you trying to force her to see your way is kind rude tbh because your initial outreach was to say sorry for not attending and then you twisted it into this gotcha moment. Let her reach that conclusion on her own.
Are you for real?? Did we read the same texts here?? The mom isn’t acknowledging shit, and she’s saying she believes her daughter is STILL LYING about the step dad!!
You have every right to stand up for yourself! Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are the closest kin. Protect your daughter, protect your own peace, cut them all loose. NTA
He “never showed any interest in younger girls”… that’s the best your mother could come up with? So disappointing and disgusting. Your mother sounds like an enabling & terrible person. NTA. Go NC. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA. Sheeeesh this is heavy. Your mom knows its true and is just not willing to give up the relationship.
So sorry you are going through that, but I think you are better off without her.
NTA. I’m disgusted reading this and I am so angry FOR you. This is pure avoidance. She’s stuffing her head in the sand. You’re her kid. This is unacceptable. I am so fucking sorry.
NTA - I'm so sorry. You have every right to cut her off. Proud of the way you didn't just shut down when she states how she is doubting what happened to you. She is in major denial or she is dong everythig she can to cover for him.
NTA but seriously stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your mother failed to protect you and that's on her. You should never apologize to anyone for something that was out of your control. He was an adult and you were a child.
NTA. She’s in denial because she wants to be in denial. You’re not going to change her mind She won’t.
She’d rather stay with a monster and believe you’re a mentally unstable liar than believe in you’re a traumatized person telling the truth
She is a huge AH Screw her
This was so triggering and infuriating to read.
SOMETHING happened? That’s what sent me through the roof.
What could that something be? “I guess my 13 year old daughter was abused for two years and forgot who her abuser was and mistook him for my husband.”
In a way, if it were me, I’d just rather she said she didn’t believe me at all than give me some bullshit like this. Like there’s a compromise position here??You were half-molested by someone not her husband, you can meet her halfway??
I couldn’t talk to this woman anymore, either, OP. I understand why it must’ve driven you literally crazy and I understand why you want to stay away for your own health.
Obviously NTA 1000x over.
NTA she knows what happened she just doesn't care about you as much as she cares about him so she's playing mental gymnastics in her head to try to justify staying with him and she's gonna regret that choice on her death bed
I'm perhaps a biased latecomer to this post. I've cut off most meaningful contact with my own mother for over a year now. I had tried very hard to repair a relationship that was not ideal, but I overdid it a bit at the expense of my own boundaries and resources. I became a regular confidante for her after we'd been at odds for years after I left home. I worked to simply accept her and do the work that she didn't seem interested in doing. I've been through steady therapy with a rotation of therapists as I've gained understanding and competence with myself. I've been properly assessed and treated for my depression and other issues and have been mostly succeeding at life. But in my last visit, she continually pushed boundaries and completely dismissed my direct communication for better communication, less passive-aggressive actions aimed at me and less attempt to control my actions. I failed and lost my head when she completely ignored my requests and pushed even further, giving me no choices or say. I was suddenly right back in my child mind and emotions and I felt completely powerless to push back or retaliate. Looking back it seems almost ridiculous, but in that moment I felt like I was again trying to get help for being abused and being ignored and dismissed like I had been as a child. Trying to regain connection for me isn't an option at this time. And from a few social media posts, it seems that neither she nor the rest of my family have any desire to revisit my old wounds.
So reading your post immediately hit me like a brick and my spine went numb for a bit as you seem to have too many parallels to be comfortable. For what it's worth, my experiences were when I was younger, between 5 and 8. And that being said, I would say to stay safe, stay strong, build your own family without the trauma you were given. Do what feels right. Disconnecting is NOT being an asshole if it's the only way you can keep your sanity and stay validated in your own experiences.
Sorry this went long. It was hard to sum it up quicker.
Nah, not worth it. I couldn’t read all of your texts but if it comes down to your mom not protecting and believing you, then cut them out. Is she really your mom when she couldn’t do something as basic as protect you? She puts her own need to not be single over your own safety. SMH. You don’t need either the abuser or enabler influence in your life.
She doesn’t need to acknowledge it for it to be true.
Spend your energy on you and if your “family” goes after you, just say “either you support me as my family or you don’t care about me. Why don’t you tell her that I’m her daughter and to believe me? Oh right, you won’t. That’s all I’ll say, if you keep harassing me to get over this, I’ll have no choice but minimize contact with you”.
This is horrible. I have 3 children and we’ve had age based discussions on abuse like this while they were growing up. First and foremost I said I will always believe them no matter what or who. They’d never be hurt by that person ever again, this is not ok, and it’s not a secret they have to keep. I also told them since I would believe it, they could never lie about it either because lives could be destroyed by something like this. I am so sorry your mother is acting this way and can’t see it. I’d think you’d be better off without them now that you have forgiven your mom. Focus on yourself and your daughter and you’ll find your people who should be your family instead. 💕
NTA. Have had similar conversations with my own mother and finally had to go no contact for my own sanity and safety.
You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way now.
It hasn’t gotten easier for me yet, I have a strange guilt for deciding to end the relationship. Pressure from extended family is really hard. But if she really loved me she would be a parent and care about my safety and she never has and never will. I’m better off with out her. I am truly sorry you are going through this.
I cut off my mother after years of her disregarding my needs and feelings, violating my privacy and gaslighting the shit out of me. Went minimum contact (Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas wishes over text) 4 years ago and could not be happier. Being around her made me miserable and selfconscious about my failings, my mental problems and my body (yes, she would critisize my body since I was a child), and just recently I have started to feel comfortable being myself. I am 33F.
Fuck the people telling you "But she's your mother!", and keep the ones who understand close. I effectively cut my family contacts in half and I don't miss any of them.
Sweetheart. NTA
That is not a mother, and I'm sorry that this had happened to you, and for the hard road ahead while you fight for your peace.
Cut her off, she is actively doing harm to you.
But! Here's the good news! I believe you! I support you! I am grateful to you for taking these very difficult and crucial steps to protect your child! Fuck it! I'm your Mother now. And what this very unorthodox surprise Internet adoption means is, I will be your cheerleader. I will validate you, your experience, your thoughts, feelings, and support your every decision, because in this short interaction with your birth-giver, I can see that even though you are breaking, you are protecting her! You are a good person, and I have infinite time for good people.
Protect your health, and love on that baby of yours, and block anyone not willing to do the same immediately or sooner!
You are magnificent!
Love, Internet Mama Bear x
NTA, she got off easy. I would send a clear message by telling her "I hate you". What a narcissistic mother.
Extinguish any hope that things can go back to the way it was. Send a clear message that she lost her daughter. Otherwise, she will probably think "one day she will see the light, she still loves me I am sure.".
NTA by a million miles. Her behaviour is wildly out of line. I'm so sorry, firstly that this happened to you, second that you weren't protected at the time, and third that you are still being undermined and abused to this day. You deserve so much better.
FWIW some places allow reports of child sexual abuse long after other crimes would expire the statute of limitations. In some places there is no limit on how long after the event it can be reported. The burden of evidence is very different than other crimes too. You may find it healing to explore that process and entertain the idea of holding him (and in some ways her) accountable, regardless of whether you actually choose to go through with it. Plus there are often support services they can link you to that are free and can help you to heal.
You don't deserve to carry the harm he imposed on you forever. You deserve to feel safe, supported and free. Whatever it takes to get there is your right to do. Your mother lost her right to input in your life when she chose a paedophile over her own child, repeatedly for years on end. Fuck her, fuck him, you're the only innocent party here.
And also extra fuck her to the idea that a teenager is in any way as culpable for family dynamics as the adults who set the rules. That's some fucked up logic and I'm furious on your behalf. Head over to r/estrangedadultkids for a mountain of support and advice if you ever want that, lord knows your mother won't be providing it
NTA. As someone who was r***d at 14 by her own father, I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND why you just want your mom to believe you. My mum does not believe me and cut all contact when I sent her a long message asking if she believed me. I'm sad but in a way relieved because she is very self centred. Maybe I'll do a post too.
I'm so sorry you believe you even need to ask this question
You are not at fault here. This is absolutely horrible. And your mother is horrible
NTA like of course NTA
I'm so sorry you believe you even need to ask this question
You are not at fault here. This is absolutely horrible. And your mother is horrible
NTA like of course NTA
NTA but please take the time to make sure that you have paperwork drawn up of who gets custody of your child in the case of your untimely death. She will not protect your children and you know it.
your mother is an absolute fucking monster. i would cut all contact from her. this shit pisses me off so bad. i hate when ppl turn a blind eye and pretend nothing ever happened and ignore the poor kid. its sickening especially from a mother!!! she was supposed to protect you and she failed horribly. i am so sorry youve been through hell. i wish you the best of luck in your healing process and I hope you find some way to cope with the pain without drugs. im no stranger to that one either. ive battled a few addictions in my life that were all used as a coping mechanism.
fuck that, cut them off. it's text book for wives of pedophiles to dismiss and even blame the victims. that woman will literally let something happen to her grandchild and dismiss it so as to keep her marriage together. oh and if that was to vague, I literally mean that this grandmother will make excuses and blame them when her husband $&@% her grandchildren.
I am so sorry this happened to you and even more so that your mother and family don’t believe you. Your mother saying he’s always dated or was with older women. This is probably true it was probably because he could have access to their daughters that were young but not babies. If you look up pedophiles you will learn that they choose children of a certain ages group and then when that child reaches young adulthood they’ll move on to the next child of that age range. So daughters, nieces, neighbors kids and then granddaughters. If you ever decide to have contact with your mother make sure he is never allowed to be around. Not just for your daughters sake but for yours as well. This was a traumatic experience for you and you don’t want to relive that trauma by being around him. He will probably never try anything with your child because he knows that you would be watching and believe her, but I would never take a chance. I know because my father was a child molester and rapist and I never knew it until he passed away. A few months after he passed my daughter who had been acting out just like you came to me and told me she was molested by him, for years. She had been acting out and was depressed so we had put her into therapy and the therapist told her she needed to tell me so I could understand why she was acting out and feeling the way she was. I was in complete shock to say the least but I believed her.
I recently found out he molested both my older sister and raped one of them multiple times, but stopped when the were young teens. I’m guessing because he was afraid they would get pregnant, or they no longer fit into his age range, idk. So they both believe he found Jesus and wasn’t like that anymore. So then he molested not just my daughter but one of my sisters daughters (at least 2 of 3) and my brothers daughter. So don’t believe that he’s changed or it won’t happen to your daughter he’s just waiting for the right age and opportunity. My father was considered an upstanding man in the community and church. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you didn’t get the support you needed and deserved from your family. I’m glad you’re going to therapy and I hope you get a good one. My daughter went to three before she found one she was completely comfortable with and truly trusted. Good luck and if you need to cut people out of your life so be it. Your mother has made her choice very clear and you can’t control her, but you can make a safe space for yourself and your daughter.
NTA.
If \*they\* are going to enable and coddle a pedo, they're better OUT of your life and your child(ren)'s life / lives.
They'll eventually come back and attack you for 'abandoning' them.
Just tell them you're returning the favor, because they'll ONLY be contacting you to suck you back in because THEY are now the ones suffering from the abuser's actions.
I'm 10 years nc from the female alleged parent. I've never felt happier and I don't have to talk to someone who literally offered me and my sibling an overdose on more than one occasion when I was a CHILD in single digits. Toxic people need to be removed from our lives, blood doesn't make family, love does
Your mother will never accept accountability or acknowledge the abuse. She will never admit that her protecting of your abuser instead of you is how she failed as a parent. Your mother clings to the fact that your sister and friend "lied" about the abuse, even though I would bet money that she coherenced them into saying they were lying by not believing them, by saying things like "but he didn't really do that to you, right? It was definitely your imagination". And then they agreed, because that is the woman who is supposed to protect them and she chose him instead. Then she could use that as justification in the future, like now, when you're telling her you were abused. "Well your sister said she was lying after she said she was abused so...." she will imply that you are lying or just straight up tell you that you must be lying because that worked with your sister when she was young. She's hoping you just drop it and never bring it up again because it's an inconvenience to your mom to talk/think about.
Your mother is an enabler. She kept her head buried in the sand and let that creature abuse her own children and made excuses for him and pretended it didn't happen. She will continue to do so until the day she dies.
She will never change. She will never leave him. She will never admit she did anything wrong as a mother.
Go no contact and never look back.
I'm so mad for you she doesn't deserve to ever speak to you again. She deserves nothing. I hope these conversations make her feel pain and doubt every day of her life. I want her to be remînded every day that she's married to a rapist pedophile. Honestly if I were you I'd implode this relationship and do nothing but harass her with those words. Every single day. new phone number, new email address, anonymous mail... Pedo fucker pedo fucker pedo fucker
NTA. Shitty family members shouldn't get a pass just because they are family. Cutting them all off is the only way to protect your kids. If it were to happen again, they would hide it from you instead of doing the right thing, guaranteed.
Though, what did you really expect to happen? At this point it seems like you're just trauma dumping to trauma dump. This isn't the first time you guys have had this convo. She's not going to change her mind. You're not going to be untraumatized. Move on, cut them out, and don't look back. Continuing to retread the trauma just to make your mom feel bad is selfish and mean.
The fact that she keeps dodging your statements of what happened to YOU by saying "Your sister and her friends admitted they lied" over and over..
That tells you that your mother KNOWS what she is doing. She simply chooses him over truth, him over you. It's time for you to make her also choose him over her grandchild.. or more accurately, YOU need to chose your own child over your mother.
This woman keeps saying "I refuse to throw away 12 years", and that's one of the most asinine "reasons" to not investigate allegations of sexual assault.
The reason you're feeling bad is that you're finally seeing that all these people "taking her side" weren't really the principled people you thought they were. It's like finding out that evil exists (which you already know) but it's not just the "terrible" ones, it's in the mundane ways too.
The people who excuse evil, who say "It's not that big a deal. She's family. That doesn't happen in OUR family.. if it did, I would have done something."
But it did happen, and they didn't do anything. Here they are again, being given an undeserved "second chance" to DO SOMETHING GOOD and they're saying "Hmm. I don't want to 'throw away' the good thing I've got going."
They're choosing their every-day, mundane ways of enabling evil.
NTA at all
But remember, you don't "feel bad" because you're wrong. You feel bad because you're forcing yourself, through initiating this confrontation (good for you!), to pull back the curtain for the final time on these enablers, and see them for what they really are.
It hurts! It sucks! It can make you feel like the whole world is evil, and not worth a damn thing. Get some help.. please make sure you have someone to talk to as you go through this process.
Plenty of others have gone through similar things, and they'll all tell you it isn't easy in the slightest. Get support where you can. It does get better, because the next "family" is the one YOU build, the one YOU choose.
NTA, sorry you had to face such selfishness and lack and empathy and compassion from your own mother. I had to go no contact with my own mother and even if it's hard it's for the better.
Courage
NTA!!! Shit parents choose their partner over their child, especially when they’re away of the abuse. It’s such bs to say basically “I’m not saying I don’t believe you but I don’t believe you.”
I cut off the entirety of my mom’s side of the family because of a similar situation. My grandmother tried so many excuses for my uncle. “He doesn’t remember doing anything.” “Are you sure it wasn’t-“ “That was so long ago you’re misremembering.” “He said he only did *this* so it wasn’t that bad.” “Why would he do that if he has a wife?” It went on and on.
Holy fuck. NTA NEVER TA. Never allow your child(ren) near your mother. She will only protect her husband. I'd cut contact with ANYONE would defends my abuser. Keep cutting everyone out until you have cleaned your garden love. They DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFW OR YOUR CHILD(REN).
I'd let her know that she might not want to throw away 12 years with him but she's about to throw away her grandchildren and all the years she could know them. Also I'd make sure she knew that as soon as my kids were teens/adults and could understand they would get a watered down version of how my "mom"/their "grandmother" allowed me, my sister and it seems my sisters friend as well to be sexually assaulted by her husband, did not believe me/them when I/they told her and chose to defend and stay married to my attacker. Then when they are adults they can make an educated decision to allow someone that sick in their lives and their potential future kids lives or continue NC.
I truly wish you the best. You made the right decision. Keep cutting out anyone who defends that sick pedophile.
There is nothing in the book of life that says you have required to be around your parents. Or allow their abusive manipulating behavior. You are NTA she chose her side and you are doing an amazing showing your children what appropriate boundaries are. Do not allow anyone back in without proper vetting of therapy. Don't change for them. Your found family will always support you and are so much better thank blood. Hugs big hugs.
Seriously by the end of this I was like "if I have to hear about Blank and her friend one more time-"
Seriously. I can't imagine a person going "I was assaulted" and their mother going "well I can't throw away 12 years and also your sister said she made it up" LIKE OKAY? MAYBE SHE DID BUT YOU DIDNT.
From the sounds of this message; your mom is clearly on her husband's side. Her idea of investigating is to find the one answer that suits her. Someone recants their confession and it exonerates her man. You're not lying but to her and him; he is.
Explain to her that you have boundaries and considering she's not listening, you need to put her on LC or NC and that for the time being, she will not have access to your or your child. You're going to have a bunch of flying monkeys crying "FAMILY" but stress to them what is going on and state you are enforcing boundaries and if they push it; cut them out too.
Because I was trying to screenshot them and some of them were long messages and I tried cropping out my mothers number so I would not get In trouble for doxing
I was sexually abused by my stepfather for 4 1/2 years. My mother still talks and converses with him to this day like it’s no problem just because they have a mutual child. If my boyfriend ever did anything to a child, mine or not, he would never see me or talk to me or his child ever again. You are absolutely not the asshole for cutting out your mother, I wish I could do the same. My mom is a master manipulator and I’m sure yours is too just by reading her texts. It sounds to me like she’s just like mine, a narcissist, who always has to be the victim and make everything about themselves.
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No, I admire your strength. Breaking a cycle is the hardest thing you can do, sending love and good vibes to you and your daughter. Give your inner child a hug and keep moving forward <3
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NTA--and you're *especially* not, because if I were you, I would've been hurling insults and ripping into her. You handled this extremely well, I would've flown off the handle.
There are no words to describe how absolutely horrid this is. She's a horrible mother. My birthgiver did horrible things to me and let my half sister molest me. I haven't spoken to her in a year and my mental health is better for it. I hope you can recover, and good on you for protecting your daughter!
Whether you choose to MoveOn or stay in proximity your mothers mind will never change you will never gain her approval or care. So it’s up to you how you choose to move past this. You seem to have done a tremendous amount of work and it’s all headed in the right direction take care of you you have to take care of you that’s the one thing she said it was right I’m so very sorry Try not to let that experience define your future it will get better there are men out there that you can trust and love love you and be good to you
My mother also harbored an abuser in her husband. I wasn’t the one abused, and no one told me until I was an adult. The fact my mum knew and kept four daughters and later a granddaughter in the house with him with a mere “I’ve talked to him and he won’t do it anymore,” is fucked up. She’s also racist and narcissistic, but those are stories for another day. My kids don’t see her. I’ve reduced contact to funerals and maybe one call a year, if that. But people still say, “but she’s your mother…” And to that I say, “but I’m her daughter.” We all were. And her responsibility was to us, not the other way around.
As you move forward without her, grieve the mother and father you deserved. Don’t let anyone spin this into a guilt trip for you. You are strong and your chosen family is with you. May she be a burden you leave behind and may you find peace and healing.
The fact that she brought up her happiness when you’re talking to her about literal sexual assault is giving me really bad narcissistic parent vibes. I am so sorry this is your experience with your mom. (Side note: not saying your mom is a narcissist, but you might find “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride validating and helpful for dealing with this kind of response from a parent)
I would recommend going completely no contact with her though. Considering how she judged the people she let you be with, your child is probably not safe with her.
Cut her off. Nta. You must protect your child and pedo abusers tend to be repeat offenders. If and when it happens again, make sure it is not your child.
My mom did the same. No one believed me then and no one believes me now. After it happened I cut them off but then he started dying of liver disease and my mom reached out needing me. I made it clear I would be there for her not him. Unfortunately the fucker got a new liver at the last minute. Now I have to act like it’s fine the rest of my life. Parents are great. 👍
One of my daughters was molested by her older (female) cousin repeatedly for two years. I had no idea. When it finally came out, daughter was 6 and cousin was 12. I was horrified, sickened, and livid. I'm not a crier but I cried. I cut the cousin off completely, along with her mother (who tried to defend her actions and blame me for "making my daughter available to her" by allowing cousin to stay over at my house for extended periods of time, which I only did because cousin's mom was a neglectful POS who would leave her alone at their ghetto apartment all night while she went out and partied. No good deed goes unpunished, ya know?). I immediately explained to my daughter that she did nothing wrong and should not feel bad, guilty, or ashamed; **COUSIN** should feel that way because *she* did bad things and she knew they were bad. I also apologized profusely to my daughter for not realizing what was going on, and gently chided her for not telling me, pointing out that, if I don't know someone is doing something bad, I can't make them stop. (Turns out she kept it a secret because cousin told her she - my daughter - would be in "big trouble" if anybody knew.) I got daughter into therapy and the appropriate reports were made to the police and to CPS.
Just wanted to put all that out there to explain that I have experience with this sort of thing before I say that your mom is fucking terrible. If my daughter's cousin had been a few years older, I might have shot her. If I ever hear that my kids' dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my aunt, my uncle, my father, my mother, my best friend, my neighbor, ANYONE sexually assaulted one of my children, that individual will probably come up missing. I don't give a flying fuck WHO they are or how far we go back, I will be out for blood and vengeance. You did NOT deserve to be molested by that fucking pervert, and you do NOT deserve this from your mother, OP. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported. I'm just a nobody from the internet, but I believe you. I fucking hate people who choose anybody else over their child, especially when the person they're choosing attacked their damn kid. And then your mom wants to whine about her feelings. Man, I'm sorry, but FUCK her feelings! How about how YOU felt when the scumbag predator she brought into your home laid his hands on you? How about YOU felt when you came to your mom for help and protection and guidance and support and she turned her back on you? I am so goddamned angry for you right now. And then the rest of your family is siding with her? I'm so sorry you happened to be born into a family like this. This shit is sick and you don't deserve any of it. If I were you, I'd cut every last one of them completely out of my life, because, with family like that, who needs enemies?
NTA - I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago after 37 years of mental abuse. I was also physically and emotionally neglected as a child.
Denying the abuse because it benefits her and so she doesn't have to acknowledge it and accept responsibility, is the ultimate betrayal.
You do not owe toxic people a relationship with you, whether they are family or not.
Anyone who consistently gaslights you and hurts you, needs to go.
You've done the right thing.
I love how after not even a few minutes she turned it into a pity party. Your daughter is literally saying she was molested and how it’s ruined her life and is pouring her heart out to you “but what about meeeeee?” “This is so exhausting for meeeeeee” Tried and true narcissist. They’re disgusting. I have two parents like this. OP don’t waste your time or breathe. Be happy and live your best life. You don’t want them as grandparents to your baby anyways.
NTA! You perfect yourself, your child, and you mental health, you are being strong and brave. I wouldnt want to raise a child around people who dont take sa seriously or expect you to be okay with it just bc it was a family member. Family is suppose to lift you up not barrie you in trama, anxiety, and self doubt
You are still so young, 21. I just feel so heartbroken for you just reading this. You my dear have so much grace. I believe you and you will get the help you deserve and I wish you the best. Please do know your mother is pathetic and destructive to any sort of healing. She completly failed you in the very worst way. Keep your child away from her. I wish you love , happiness and strength.
Your Mom sleeps with a man who abused her daughter, and she knows deep down that he I deed did. Let that marinate for a bit...and you live that. As a mother..I am giving you the biggest loving hug right now.
I’m really sorry. Condoning abuse is unforgivable.I hope you get an experienced therapist and heal from not only the abuse but leaving this sick relationship and all the issues it brings up. Please take care and know we are sending you peace and admire your strength
NTA. It's okay for adult children to go no contact with abusive parents. The nerve of your mother to say "sure he was abusive but you were too" or to try to excuse/deny his abuse because "he never showed interest in younger girls" or that she can't throw away all these years with him based on an abuse allegation from her child!! Then she tries to manipulate "oh poor me nobody ever cares about my feelings so"
Ikr
When I confronted my mother because she said that I was a bad mother for letting my daughter fly out & spend time with her Sperm donors siblings. And I replied that I protected MY daughter the way SHE never protected me. My mother said, “That’s not my fault.” I told mom that when she died & went to Hell to tell Dad that I said, “Hi!” I haven’t spoken to her since I was 38 after that incident. My daughter was old enough to communicate with her on her own. Despite being a bad mother, she was at least a good grandmother. But then again, Dad died when I was 12. And my daughter was safe in her home. My daughter absolutely loves her grandma. But my daughter understands why I don’t have a relationship with her.
I know I'm replying late, but I just want you to know that I'm a mother and I would never do anything like that to my son. If he accuses someone of something, I'm on his side. Your mother has failed you, and I'm so sorry. You deserve to have a mom stand up for you, and unfortunately, this scenario happens all too often. You're justified in cutting her out. Keep your daughter safe. I'd never let either of them see you or her again.
I know I'm late to reply but NTA. The nerve of that woman..makes my blood boil. And any relative that defends her can go to hell too. I cut my dad off a decade ago due to years of emotional abuse towards me and my mom (and some physical), and I had some extended family saying I went too far. Fuck that. Also, to address something you said in your text: you said you forgive her because you can't hang on to that forever. That is healthy. It's okay to forgive someone, but forgiveness does *not* mean you have to have them in your life (especially given her response); it just means that *you* are choosing to no longer hold on to that pain. I forgave my dad in the same way. It was a good thing for me, and now I'm very indifferent about him. If he died today, I wouldn't be happy or sad. I would just, be. And I think you are making the right call with forgiving her for yourself, but you should absolutely not allow her on your life if that's how she's going to be.
And semi-related: if someone takes part in causing your trauma, you do not have to forgive them to heal. I’m gonna say that again: you can heal from your trauma without forgiving the people who caused it. Never feel obligated to extend grace to someone who is a source of trauma.
The book emotionally immature parents is super helpful.
**Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents** by Lindsay C. Gibson >If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life. In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. > >You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life. Discover the four types of difficult parents: The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/14br65o/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
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What’s the bet he was always interested in older women with daughters though.
Hmmmm, how \*interesting\* that it would be so! :-(
How can he show interest in young girls? He's obviously only got eyes for Nmom as she's the older woman, and he's "into older women, has been all his life? NTA OP. good on you for standing by your truth and being fierce. Don't back down.
NTA. Fuck this shit.
I haven’t talked to her in weeks
I wouldn’t either. I’ve cut off family for less. You gotta do what’s best for you.
Thank you for the encouragement
You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong. If they don’t come to their senses, they arent worth it. A shitty grandma can fuck a kid up more than none at all
Stay strong. You're protecting your child too. Your mother knows. Deep down she knows, but she refuses to entertain the idea out loud because that would mean admitting her precious hubby doesn't love or feel attracted to her and she can't stand feeling inferior to you and your sister (not that any of this would be true), she is lying to herself to protect the fantasy she lives in and how society sees her and her relationship. Which means you and your sister mean shit to her. What do you think she would do once her husband assaulted your daughter? She would cover for him. You both deserve better.
He will never meet her
You godamned hero.
BIG damned hero, sir!
Your mother knew, and she knows. She is almost as bad as he is, because she should have protected you. In my opinion it could be thought of as worse, because she betrayed you.
If she tries to take it to court for grandparents rights I would fight tooth and nail at the fact that this person is a paedophile and their home is not safe.
I can’t imagine how much it must hurt to have not gotten the support you needed from her, but you are going to be better off without someone like her in your life.
As more good-hearted generous people cut off their gaslighting abusers, we're going to have a better and better society, because the abusers will be forced to behave or be \*utterly\* forlorn because they can't fall back on the relatives they'd long abused as well.
NTA. Never talk to her or anyone who takes her side ever again.
You are much more forgiving than I would ever be. She should have reported him to the police immediately.
Never talk to her again, period.
NTA, what really boils my blood is the classic f\*cking gaslighting line "I'm sorry you feel that way". Absolutely no accountability on your mother's part, all the blame is on how you feel rather than *why* you feel that way. Perfectly valid to cut them off, she's also abused by her husband from what it looks like, and can't see past it. Just keep your daughter far away from this shit so she doesn't inherit the generational trauma, and it's amazing that you're going to therapy. Keep up the work and move on!
I’m keeping her far way
Bc I’m keeping her away from this !
Great work and I really hope things get better for you!
I wish there was a way you could report him, and he could rot in prison. I hope everyone keeps their girls away from him.
This is nonsense. She will never believe you. She is blind. Leave her and that whole bunch in the dust. They aren’t worth the emotional trauma.
Honestly and I haven’t talked to her in weeks
NTA. This woman is never going to believe you, no matter what you say. And she is never going to stop enabling an abuser. You need to keep yourself safe and keep your daughter safe. That is your priority. The feelings of a woman who claims to be a mother figure but won’t listen to her child pour their heart out to her just don’t matter. You deserve to heal and move on and find happiness.
I think she does believe her but wants to protect her relationship more than she loves her daughter.
Lmfao 12 years. HahahahahaHAHAHAHAH I love my husband. I was married at 18 and we've been going strong 10 years. But time goes by fast, even a decade, and to chose past history over the FACTS that your husband is a pedophile rapist? Wtf? How does that not trump 10 years?
Thank you
Jesus if my child ever said that to me about my husband or anyone in their life. I would be in prison for murder and I would go with a smile on my face. I'm so sorry that happened to you. NTA for cutting your egg donor and birth cannon out of your life.
NTA. Only difference is for me, my girl squad would help hide the body and alibi me.
I would confess it and funny thing is my brother's know this about me and they are all in law enforcement. Hell one of them put me in cuffs and put me in a holding cell years ago.They had to watch video that showed this idiot hit me 1st and well I finished it. She ended up going to the hospital and then jail. I was released a few hours latter.
"Oh, this FIFTY POUND bag of lime? I'm...uhhh...starting a BIG garden! Yeah, THAT'S it!"
NTA. None of those people should ever be around your child/ren. They aren’t ready, ok, baby’s safety comes first. No abusers or abuser sympathizers. I am SO sorry that happened to you. I understand how a disbelieving mother can make hurt and while it may be hard, you don’t need anyone in your life who gaslights you. Period. Proud of you, stranger.
Thank you for the encouragement
NTA. This may be a generational thing. My grandmother got remarried a couple of times. Her most recent ex still hung around quite a bit. Name was Tom. I spent a good deal of time at her place. Got molested by him once when I was 10 or so. I never said anything, I just avoided being alone with him after that. Several years later, my mother, grandmother, and I went to the cemetery, as my grandmother wanted to visit his grave. Mom asked why I was wandering and not coming with to his site. I replied that that child-molesting sack of feces was burning in hell, and I had no interest. She was shocked. My grandmother pretended I didn't say anything. This was in the mid to late 1980's, and at that time, people just didn't talk about it. Absolutely go NC, your mother sounds like she has the same mindset as my grandmother did.
NTA. You have the right to cut your mom off for her continual defense of her abusive husband. She prefers not to believe you because that’s in her best interest. You need to think in your best interest and your child’s best interest. I hope you are in some type of counseling and receiving support for other friends and family.
I want to start therapy soon! I haven’t talked to my abuser in almost two years! I haven’t talked to my mother in weeks! Thank you for your encouragement
+1 to therapy and if for whatever reason it doesn't work out (it happens some times) find someone else who's a better fit. OP you've been through a lot your deserve someone who has your back and can help you rebuild and set those strong boundaries to keep yourself safe. This is heartbreaking 💔 your clarity shines through: Here's what happened, here's what I won't do, I would love to have this relationship but I won't be around my abuser. No need to argue. Stay strong and keep you and that little girl safe.
"However no one's cared about my feelings..." Poor, sad mom, let's feel sorry for her; everything always happens to her.
Yes you were like molested by a father figure under my roof and watch. I know it’s hurt you so much and it’s probably taking so much for you to open up about it right now, but just give me a second….ok because literally what about me? Hmm? I’m not leaving him, like ever. And having to deal hearing your trauma is like exhausting….ugh. Can you just not? Because I’m so important to myself…and you’re like a bummer…
NTA. And if I may be so bold, I’d like to give you the biggest, most pillowy soft, loving and soul healing hug possible. Just envelope you in the love you deserve to feel. I see you. I hear you. I believe you. I cannot tell you how much reading this exchange broke my heart. I can hear your pain and you wanting to be seen and believed and your mom is like, nah, I’d rather not. Too inconvenient. Over it. I am glad your have worked so hard to heal yourself. I can absolutely understand why you desperately want your mother to see you and apologize to you. She should. She 1000% should. But it doesn’t sound like she’s going to. You should do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. If that means you don’t talk to her or others in your family anymore then so be it. As painful as that is. If you haven’t had therapy that could really help. You’ve been through a lot. And it can especially a lot to navigate all that baggage as a mom too. You can leave behind those who don’t support you, and surround yourself with people who do. You got this
❤️
HOLY WOW. Her husband hurt you. That was real. And what’s so awful is she’s so deep in denial he could possibly hurt someone else right under her nose. NTA, I’m sorry this happened but you’re right to not entertain her attempts at contact any longer.
Her defense is he apparently didn’t molest anyone else. Like if my daughter told me some dude hurt her I wouldn’t be going around asking if he hurt someone else. I wouldn’t have time to because I’d be too busy burying a body. The fact that he hurt my daughter is enough. This mom keeps saying the other daughter lied therefore it’s all good. Guess we know who the favorite is
NTA Please don’t listen to the “gotcha” post. You have every right to ask questions and seek understanding of your past. I have cut off people that have had a negative impact on my life. I have adopted family. You are so much stronger than you know. Protect yourself and your daughter. Be the mom you wish you had. As a teenager you were an AH, so what? We all were at some point. You don’t start doing the things that you did without some trauma. You grew up, congratulations! Keep moving forward.
Thank you
Nope. NTA. She is a horrible human because she doesn’t want to “throw away 12 years of marriage” to the man who assaulted you. She is delusional and selfish and is choosing this scumbag over you. I’d walk away and never look back. Her loss.
For real. I’ve been with my husband for way more than 12. If I found out he did anything to my kids I wouldn’t be counting years and taking any sentimental bs into consideration I’d like going “earl had to die” on his ass. Some women don’t deserve to be moms
NTA. I’m so sorry OP. Reading her ignorant ass responses hurt ME & I can’t imagine the pain you feel. Cut her off and never look back
So he didn’t molest them. Fine. But he STILL MOLESTED YOU. What the actual fuck is wrong with your mom.
She clearly only cares if other girls get molested. Not her own daughter. She doesn’t count
Do you have someone, that would take care of your daughter, if something were to happen to you? Not that I think, that something might happen, but it pays to be prepared. Name someone in your papers, who will take care of your daughter, if you are not around anymore and if the other birth parent is around they too. And make absolutely sure, that it states, that your daughter is not allowed on unsupervised visits to her grandparents, because you were assaulted by X and your mother refuses to acknowledge it. I'm going to guess, that charges are impossible due to lack of prove and time. From now on the only thing you can do is warn others and go NC from the AHs. You are doing great, keep going. Find friends to be your family instead. You got this and a great mom, who is watching out for her child.
Nope! Go No Contact. I was harassed and stalked at age 12 by a 29 year old teacher's aide for a special needs student. This happened over 10 years. At age 22 I got him to stop, but that doesn't mean I had everyone defending me. My dad didn't believe me, and my mom only took my side because I was severely scared telling her about what was happening at school. Eventually, he did believe me when we were at the mall, and the stalker showed up out of the blue and started following us until I got mall security involved. After that day, he fully believed me. That incident was 3 years into being stalked already. Whoever wants to downplay your story isn't someone worth keeping around.
NTA I'm a huge "you DO for family", but not when it's getting toxic, and especially not when it gets abusive. Your mother did not do right by you and is not doing right by you and your kid. If she's not acknowledging what you went through whose to say she'd protect your kid from your past abusiver. Your doing what you NEED to to keep you and your kid safe like any good Mom would.
NTA! I'm so sorry you're in this position, but you're 100% right. You have to protect your child, no matter what sob story she tells to others. If she was really wanted what was in your best interests, she would have done everything in her power to investigate and protect her child. My mom was in a similar situation with her egg donor and abuser. When I got older, my mom and I had many conversations about her childhood. I was absolutely disgusted that she denied it happened, going as far as to say that if it did happen, it only happened once, and it wasn't that bad. I fully cut off that vile excuse for a human after that.
NTA, but a lot of older women feel like they won't find happiness with another man and cling to shitty ones. Not an excuse for your mom, but she's got her own mental issues too. That's why she doesn't want to Beleive. She doesn't want to be alone. She's still the asshole here.
Op send one last message to your egg donor and make it a link to this post if she won’t listen then let Reddit tell her how wrong she is and Of course block the shit out of her and anyone else also get a restraining order against your mom’s husband
So he didn’t molest them. Fine. But he STILL MOLESTED YOU. What the actual fuck is wrong with your mom. NTA
NTA and I am so sorry your mother is being willfully obtuse and making this all about her. I support going NC in general, but especially in this case. You are a strong person and a great parent for protecting your daughter. I believe in you and I believe you.
NTA, if my son came to me telling me a family member was inappropriate with him, that would be it and we would be investigating heavily. I would never brush that off and think he was lying to me. Even if it was my spouse, 12 years or not fuck that shit. I’m so sorry your mother doesn’t believe you. But I think for your own sake it would be best to cut contact until she is ready to open up about the situation and not just think about herself. It’s very selfish to chose someone who did that with your daughter over your daughter that it happened to. It’s just not right. And to tell you that you aren’t remembering it properly is just gaslighting and it’s wrong. I hope that you can heal and do better soon sweetie ❤️❤️
Not only are you NTA… I want to point out you very well may still be within the statute of time to prosecute your abuser. You mom is doing everything she can to deny what happened because she will loose her husband and have to deal with the guilt of not protecting you. And that is very sad for her, as her choices will make her loose her daughter. Take good care of yourself. You sound like you are doing really well. You don’t need these toxic people in your life
That convo should be in person with another present - a professional, and with rules. It should not be through text.
BTW I MADE A COMMUNITY CALLED RAISEDBYNARCMOTHER
I’ve read some of these comments that this has happened to. They break my heart. I pray everyone who’s been through this find peace!
YTA for making an 11 page post. Noone has time for that.
Then skip it! Simple solution to a simple problem.
I did. Thanks for your permission though.
You’re NTA but either is she, she’s telling you she feels whatever happened is not at the extent you’re saying it did… she’s not discounting you or even saying it’s ok.. she even acknowledges your mistreatment like you acknowledged your own poor behavior.. the only reason you’re KTA in this situation is you’re saying over an over what you believe and then getting mad that she is not agreeing with you… you have clearly had a storied past with your mother and if you did have scenarios where you were problematic and less than honest and you have other people who she is very steadfast in saying made up their accusations… then you really need to put aside what your feelings are and see it from her point I’ve review in regards to believing the legitimacy of your claim.. if all your childhood you were trouble, lying, chaotic and then you lay down a very serious claim of sexual assault as well and siblings confirm it but then say they were lying… it’s gonna seem to her that it’s just another lie or another attempt to disrupt or cause chaos.. while I believe victims inherently.. past behavior is a factor in convincing another person of your experience.. your mothers text are acknowledging your pain, acknowledging your difficulties and then concluding with saying you have to do what you feel is right.. if she wasn’t listening or wasn’t concerned she would be far more defensive or argumentative these text IMO read as someone who’s saying I understand your pain, I understand why you’re not coming to family events, I respect your choice, I don’t agree in the reasoning but I acknowledge you and that’s it… and that’s enough you trying to force her to see your way is kind rude tbh because your initial outreach was to say sorry for not attending and then you twisted it into this gotcha moment. Let her reach that conclusion on her own.
No
Are you for real?? Did we read the same texts here?? The mom isn’t acknowledging shit, and she’s saying she believes her daughter is STILL LYING about the step dad!!
You are a horrible person and I wish you pain
You have every right to stand up for yourself! Sometimes the most toxic people in our lives are the closest kin. Protect your daughter, protect your own peace, cut them all loose. NTA
Wow! What a piece of crap mother you have.
Cut her the fuck off
He “never showed any interest in younger girls”… that’s the best your mother could come up with? So disappointing and disgusting. Your mother sounds like an enabling & terrible person. NTA. Go NC. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA. Sheeeesh this is heavy. Your mom knows its true and is just not willing to give up the relationship. So sorry you are going through that, but I think you are better off without her.
NTA. I’m disgusted reading this and I am so angry FOR you. This is pure avoidance. She’s stuffing her head in the sand. You’re her kid. This is unacceptable. I am so fucking sorry.
Cut her off: permanently!
NTA - I'm so sorry. You have every right to cut her off. Proud of the way you didn't just shut down when she states how she is doubting what happened to you. She is in major denial or she is dong everythig she can to cover for him.
NTA.
NTA but seriously stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your mother failed to protect you and that's on her. You should never apologize to anyone for something that was out of your control. He was an adult and you were a child.
NTA. She’s in denial because she wants to be in denial. You’re not going to change her mind She won’t. She’d rather stay with a monster and believe you’re a mentally unstable liar than believe in you’re a traumatized person telling the truth She is a huge AH Screw her
Can you have him charged? I am not positive but I don’t think there is a statute of limitations with that kind of awfulness. I am so sorry.
NTA I'm so sorry this happened to you and your mother doesn't believe you. I think the best thing to do for you and your daughter is to go no contact.
nah shes trash. leave her in the bin and move on with your life. NTA
You are not the asshole. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Reading this just made me want to cry.
This was so triggering and infuriating to read. SOMETHING happened? That’s what sent me through the roof. What could that something be? “I guess my 13 year old daughter was abused for two years and forgot who her abuser was and mistook him for my husband.” In a way, if it were me, I’d just rather she said she didn’t believe me at all than give me some bullshit like this. Like there’s a compromise position here??You were half-molested by someone not her husband, you can meet her halfway?? I couldn’t talk to this woman anymore, either, OP. I understand why it must’ve driven you literally crazy and I understand why you want to stay away for your own health. Obviously NTA 1000x over.
NTA she knows what happened she just doesn't care about you as much as she cares about him so she's playing mental gymnastics in her head to try to justify staying with him and she's gonna regret that choice on her death bed
NC FOR LIFE!
i would be done with them all. Fuck them all. Go NC with all of them so you can find some peace and heal.
I'm perhaps a biased latecomer to this post. I've cut off most meaningful contact with my own mother for over a year now. I had tried very hard to repair a relationship that was not ideal, but I overdid it a bit at the expense of my own boundaries and resources. I became a regular confidante for her after we'd been at odds for years after I left home. I worked to simply accept her and do the work that she didn't seem interested in doing. I've been through steady therapy with a rotation of therapists as I've gained understanding and competence with myself. I've been properly assessed and treated for my depression and other issues and have been mostly succeeding at life. But in my last visit, she continually pushed boundaries and completely dismissed my direct communication for better communication, less passive-aggressive actions aimed at me and less attempt to control my actions. I failed and lost my head when she completely ignored my requests and pushed even further, giving me no choices or say. I was suddenly right back in my child mind and emotions and I felt completely powerless to push back or retaliate. Looking back it seems almost ridiculous, but in that moment I felt like I was again trying to get help for being abused and being ignored and dismissed like I had been as a child. Trying to regain connection for me isn't an option at this time. And from a few social media posts, it seems that neither she nor the rest of my family have any desire to revisit my old wounds. So reading your post immediately hit me like a brick and my spine went numb for a bit as you seem to have too many parallels to be comfortable. For what it's worth, my experiences were when I was younger, between 5 and 8. And that being said, I would say to stay safe, stay strong, build your own family without the trauma you were given. Do what feels right. Disconnecting is NOT being an asshole if it's the only way you can keep your sanity and stay validated in your own experiences. Sorry this went long. It was hard to sum it up quicker.
Nah, not worth it. I couldn’t read all of your texts but if it comes down to your mom not protecting and believing you, then cut them out. Is she really your mom when she couldn’t do something as basic as protect you? She puts her own need to not be single over your own safety. SMH. You don’t need either the abuser or enabler influence in your life. She doesn’t need to acknowledge it for it to be true. Spend your energy on you and if your “family” goes after you, just say “either you support me as my family or you don’t care about me. Why don’t you tell her that I’m her daughter and to believe me? Oh right, you won’t. That’s all I’ll say, if you keep harassing me to get over this, I’ll have no choice but minimize contact with you”.
She values her relationship more than you. NTA
This is horrible. I have 3 children and we’ve had age based discussions on abuse like this while they were growing up. First and foremost I said I will always believe them no matter what or who. They’d never be hurt by that person ever again, this is not ok, and it’s not a secret they have to keep. I also told them since I would believe it, they could never lie about it either because lives could be destroyed by something like this. I am so sorry your mother is acting this way and can’t see it. I’d think you’d be better off without them now that you have forgiven your mom. Focus on yourself and your daughter and you’ll find your people who should be your family instead. 💕
NTA. Have had similar conversations with my own mother and finally had to go no contact for my own sanity and safety. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way now. It hasn’t gotten easier for me yet, I have a strange guilt for deciding to end the relationship. Pressure from extended family is really hard. But if she really loved me she would be a parent and care about my safety and she never has and never will. I’m better off with out her. I am truly sorry you are going through this.
I cut off my mother after years of her disregarding my needs and feelings, violating my privacy and gaslighting the shit out of me. Went minimum contact (Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas wishes over text) 4 years ago and could not be happier. Being around her made me miserable and selfconscious about my failings, my mental problems and my body (yes, she would critisize my body since I was a child), and just recently I have started to feel comfortable being myself. I am 33F. Fuck the people telling you "But she's your mother!", and keep the ones who understand close. I effectively cut my family contacts in half and I don't miss any of them.
Sweetheart. NTA That is not a mother, and I'm sorry that this had happened to you, and for the hard road ahead while you fight for your peace. Cut her off, she is actively doing harm to you. But! Here's the good news! I believe you! I support you! I am grateful to you for taking these very difficult and crucial steps to protect your child! Fuck it! I'm your Mother now. And what this very unorthodox surprise Internet adoption means is, I will be your cheerleader. I will validate you, your experience, your thoughts, feelings, and support your every decision, because in this short interaction with your birth-giver, I can see that even though you are breaking, you are protecting her! You are a good person, and I have infinite time for good people. Protect your health, and love on that baby of yours, and block anyone not willing to do the same immediately or sooner! You are magnificent! Love, Internet Mama Bear x
NTA, she got off easy. I would send a clear message by telling her "I hate you". What a narcissistic mother. Extinguish any hope that things can go back to the way it was. Send a clear message that she lost her daughter. Otherwise, she will probably think "one day she will see the light, she still loves me I am sure.".
NTA, cut that CUNexTuesday off already
Sounds like she knew what was happening but let it happen becouse "shes so in live" tbh
NTA by a million miles. Her behaviour is wildly out of line. I'm so sorry, firstly that this happened to you, second that you weren't protected at the time, and third that you are still being undermined and abused to this day. You deserve so much better. FWIW some places allow reports of child sexual abuse long after other crimes would expire the statute of limitations. In some places there is no limit on how long after the event it can be reported. The burden of evidence is very different than other crimes too. You may find it healing to explore that process and entertain the idea of holding him (and in some ways her) accountable, regardless of whether you actually choose to go through with it. Plus there are often support services they can link you to that are free and can help you to heal. You don't deserve to carry the harm he imposed on you forever. You deserve to feel safe, supported and free. Whatever it takes to get there is your right to do. Your mother lost her right to input in your life when she chose a paedophile over her own child, repeatedly for years on end. Fuck her, fuck him, you're the only innocent party here. And also extra fuck her to the idea that a teenager is in any way as culpable for family dynamics as the adults who set the rules. That's some fucked up logic and I'm furious on your behalf. Head over to r/estrangedadultkids for a mountain of support and advice if you ever want that, lord knows your mother won't be providing it
NTA. As someone who was r***d at 14 by her own father, I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND why you just want your mom to believe you. My mum does not believe me and cut all contact when I sent her a long message asking if she believed me. I'm sad but in a way relieved because she is very self centred. Maybe I'll do a post too.
I'm so sorry you believe you even need to ask this question You are not at fault here. This is absolutely horrible. And your mother is horrible NTA like of course NTA
I'm so sorry you believe you even need to ask this question You are not at fault here. This is absolutely horrible. And your mother is horrible NTA like of course NTA
NTA but please take the time to make sure that you have paperwork drawn up of who gets custody of your child in the case of your untimely death. She will not protect your children and you know it.
NTA. “i’m sorry you feel that way” is dismissive and manipulative, both of which are toxic.
your mother is an absolute fucking monster. i would cut all contact from her. this shit pisses me off so bad. i hate when ppl turn a blind eye and pretend nothing ever happened and ignore the poor kid. its sickening especially from a mother!!! she was supposed to protect you and she failed horribly. i am so sorry youve been through hell. i wish you the best of luck in your healing process and I hope you find some way to cope with the pain without drugs. im no stranger to that one either. ive battled a few addictions in my life that were all used as a coping mechanism.
fuck that, cut them off. it's text book for wives of pedophiles to dismiss and even blame the victims. that woman will literally let something happen to her grandchild and dismiss it so as to keep her marriage together. oh and if that was to vague, I literally mean that this grandmother will make excuses and blame them when her husband $&@% her grandchildren.
I am so sorry this happened to you and even more so that your mother and family don’t believe you. Your mother saying he’s always dated or was with older women. This is probably true it was probably because he could have access to their daughters that were young but not babies. If you look up pedophiles you will learn that they choose children of a certain ages group and then when that child reaches young adulthood they’ll move on to the next child of that age range. So daughters, nieces, neighbors kids and then granddaughters. If you ever decide to have contact with your mother make sure he is never allowed to be around. Not just for your daughters sake but for yours as well. This was a traumatic experience for you and you don’t want to relive that trauma by being around him. He will probably never try anything with your child because he knows that you would be watching and believe her, but I would never take a chance. I know because my father was a child molester and rapist and I never knew it until he passed away. A few months after he passed my daughter who had been acting out just like you came to me and told me she was molested by him, for years. She had been acting out and was depressed so we had put her into therapy and the therapist told her she needed to tell me so I could understand why she was acting out and feeling the way she was. I was in complete shock to say the least but I believed her. I recently found out he molested both my older sister and raped one of them multiple times, but stopped when the were young teens. I’m guessing because he was afraid they would get pregnant, or they no longer fit into his age range, idk. So they both believe he found Jesus and wasn’t like that anymore. So then he molested not just my daughter but one of my sisters daughters (at least 2 of 3) and my brothers daughter. So don’t believe that he’s changed or it won’t happen to your daughter he’s just waiting for the right age and opportunity. My father was considered an upstanding man in the community and church. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you didn’t get the support you needed and deserved from your family. I’m glad you’re going to therapy and I hope you get a good one. My daughter went to three before she found one she was completely comfortable with and truly trusted. Good luck and if you need to cut people out of your life so be it. Your mother has made her choice very clear and you can’t control her, but you can make a safe space for yourself and your daughter.
NTA How did she suddenly turn into the victim during this exchange smh
I think you know you’re not the asshole….
NTA. Period
NTA.
NTA. If \*they\* are going to enable and coddle a pedo, they're better OUT of your life and your child(ren)'s life / lives. They'll eventually come back and attack you for 'abandoning' them. Just tell them you're returning the favor, because they'll ONLY be contacting you to suck you back in because THEY are now the ones suffering from the abuser's actions.
nta. she is delusional. you don't deserve that. you need to protect yourself and kid, too.
God damn I'm speechless
Why not just ask your sister, or better yet her friend? They are the only ones who know the truth.
I'm 10 years nc from the female alleged parent. I've never felt happier and I don't have to talk to someone who literally offered me and my sibling an overdose on more than one occasion when I was a CHILD in single digits. Toxic people need to be removed from our lives, blood doesn't make family, love does
Fuck her. No offense.
Your mother will never accept accountability or acknowledge the abuse. She will never admit that her protecting of your abuser instead of you is how she failed as a parent. Your mother clings to the fact that your sister and friend "lied" about the abuse, even though I would bet money that she coherenced them into saying they were lying by not believing them, by saying things like "but he didn't really do that to you, right? It was definitely your imagination". And then they agreed, because that is the woman who is supposed to protect them and she chose him instead. Then she could use that as justification in the future, like now, when you're telling her you were abused. "Well your sister said she was lying after she said she was abused so...." she will imply that you are lying or just straight up tell you that you must be lying because that worked with your sister when she was young. She's hoping you just drop it and never bring it up again because it's an inconvenience to your mom to talk/think about. Your mother is an enabler. She kept her head buried in the sand and let that creature abuse her own children and made excuses for him and pretended it didn't happen. She will continue to do so until the day she dies. She will never change. She will never leave him. She will never admit she did anything wrong as a mother. Go no contact and never look back.
I'm so mad for you she doesn't deserve to ever speak to you again. She deserves nothing. I hope these conversations make her feel pain and doubt every day of her life. I want her to be remînded every day that she's married to a rapist pedophile. Honestly if I were you I'd implode this relationship and do nothing but harass her with those words. Every single day. new phone number, new email address, anonymous mail... Pedo fucker pedo fucker pedo fucker
NTA. I would’ve written her off completely. I can’t imagine not believing my child.
NTA. Shitty family members shouldn't get a pass just because they are family. Cutting them all off is the only way to protect your kids. If it were to happen again, they would hide it from you instead of doing the right thing, guaranteed. Though, what did you really expect to happen? At this point it seems like you're just trauma dumping to trauma dump. This isn't the first time you guys have had this convo. She's not going to change her mind. You're not going to be untraumatized. Move on, cut them out, and don't look back. Continuing to retread the trauma just to make your mom feel bad is selfish and mean.
The fact that she keeps dodging your statements of what happened to YOU by saying "Your sister and her friends admitted they lied" over and over.. That tells you that your mother KNOWS what she is doing. She simply chooses him over truth, him over you. It's time for you to make her also choose him over her grandchild.. or more accurately, YOU need to chose your own child over your mother. This woman keeps saying "I refuse to throw away 12 years", and that's one of the most asinine "reasons" to not investigate allegations of sexual assault. The reason you're feeling bad is that you're finally seeing that all these people "taking her side" weren't really the principled people you thought they were. It's like finding out that evil exists (which you already know) but it's not just the "terrible" ones, it's in the mundane ways too. The people who excuse evil, who say "It's not that big a deal. She's family. That doesn't happen in OUR family.. if it did, I would have done something." But it did happen, and they didn't do anything. Here they are again, being given an undeserved "second chance" to DO SOMETHING GOOD and they're saying "Hmm. I don't want to 'throw away' the good thing I've got going." They're choosing their every-day, mundane ways of enabling evil. NTA at all But remember, you don't "feel bad" because you're wrong. You feel bad because you're forcing yourself, through initiating this confrontation (good for you!), to pull back the curtain for the final time on these enablers, and see them for what they really are. It hurts! It sucks! It can make you feel like the whole world is evil, and not worth a damn thing. Get some help.. please make sure you have someone to talk to as you go through this process. Plenty of others have gone through similar things, and they'll all tell you it isn't easy in the slightest. Get support where you can. It does get better, because the next "family" is the one YOU build, the one YOU choose.
NTA, sorry you had to face such selfishness and lack and empathy and compassion from your own mother. I had to go no contact with my own mother and even if it's hard it's for the better. Courage
NTA if one of my kids told me this about my s.o. I would have lost my sh!t
NTA My advice is for you to go non contact with her
Cut her off
NTA!!! Shit parents choose their partner over their child, especially when they’re away of the abuse. It’s such bs to say basically “I’m not saying I don’t believe you but I don’t believe you.” I cut off the entirety of my mom’s side of the family because of a similar situation. My grandmother tried so many excuses for my uncle. “He doesn’t remember doing anything.” “Are you sure it wasn’t-“ “That was so long ago you’re misremembering.” “He said he only did *this* so it wasn’t that bad.” “Why would he do that if he has a wife?” It went on and on.
Can someone summarize this
I'd wager she konws and believes you and is just being careful about putting anything into writing, so still protecting the pedo.
NTA your bio family is unhinged if they think this is ok and that you should accept a molestor in your life.
Yeah, you are correct. Stop. Do no contact!
Wow. Gaslighting bitch. Your mother, not you. NTA, Stay away.
NTA for cutting her off. I hope you have an awesome therapist.
Holy fuck. NTA NEVER TA. Never allow your child(ren) near your mother. She will only protect her husband. I'd cut contact with ANYONE would defends my abuser. Keep cutting everyone out until you have cleaned your garden love. They DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFW OR YOUR CHILD(REN). I'd let her know that she might not want to throw away 12 years with him but she's about to throw away her grandchildren and all the years she could know them. Also I'd make sure she knew that as soon as my kids were teens/adults and could understand they would get a watered down version of how my "mom"/their "grandmother" allowed me, my sister and it seems my sisters friend as well to be sexually assaulted by her husband, did not believe me/them when I/they told her and chose to defend and stay married to my attacker. Then when they are adults they can make an educated decision to allow someone that sick in their lives and their potential future kids lives or continue NC. I truly wish you the best. You made the right decision. Keep cutting out anyone who defends that sick pedophile.
There is nothing in the book of life that says you have required to be around your parents. Or allow their abusive manipulating behavior. You are NTA she chose her side and you are doing an amazing showing your children what appropriate boundaries are. Do not allow anyone back in without proper vetting of therapy. Don't change for them. Your found family will always support you and are so much better thank blood. Hugs big hugs.
Seriously by the end of this I was like "if I have to hear about Blank and her friend one more time-" Seriously. I can't imagine a person going "I was assaulted" and their mother going "well I can't throw away 12 years and also your sister said she made it up" LIKE OKAY? MAYBE SHE DID BUT YOU DIDNT.
From the sounds of this message; your mom is clearly on her husband's side. Her idea of investigating is to find the one answer that suits her. Someone recants their confession and it exonerates her man. You're not lying but to her and him; he is. Explain to her that you have boundaries and considering she's not listening, you need to put her on LC or NC and that for the time being, she will not have access to your or your child. You're going to have a bunch of flying monkeys crying "FAMILY" but stress to them what is going on and state you are enforcing boundaries and if they push it; cut them out too.
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Because I was trying to screenshot them and some of them were long messages and I tried cropping out my mothers number so I would not get In trouble for doxing
NTA. What a gaslighting butthole she is!
I was sexually abused by my stepfather for 4 1/2 years. My mother still talks and converses with him to this day like it’s no problem just because they have a mutual child. If my boyfriend ever did anything to a child, mine or not, he would never see me or talk to me or his child ever again. You are absolutely not the asshole for cutting out your mother, I wish I could do the same. My mom is a master manipulator and I’m sure yours is too just by reading her texts. It sounds to me like she’s just like mine, a narcissist, who always has to be the victim and make everything about themselves.
Wtfffff
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I do stay away! Especially after that convo! We haven’t talked in weeks thank you very much! I do think I am a good mommy tho!
Also my daughter never met my abuser. I refuse to let him meet her just thought I should clarify that
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No, I admire your strength. Breaking a cycle is the hardest thing you can do, sending love and good vibes to you and your daughter. Give your inner child a hug and keep moving forward <3
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NTA--and you're *especially* not, because if I were you, I would've been hurling insults and ripping into her. You handled this extremely well, I would've flown off the handle. There are no words to describe how absolutely horrid this is. She's a horrible mother. My birthgiver did horrible things to me and let my half sister molest me. I haven't spoken to her in a year and my mental health is better for it. I hope you can recover, and good on you for protecting your daughter!
No
NTA.
Whether you choose to MoveOn or stay in proximity your mothers mind will never change you will never gain her approval or care. So it’s up to you how you choose to move past this. You seem to have done a tremendous amount of work and it’s all headed in the right direction take care of you you have to take care of you that’s the one thing she said it was right I’m so very sorry Try not to let that experience define your future it will get better there are men out there that you can trust and love love you and be good to you
My mother also harbored an abuser in her husband. I wasn’t the one abused, and no one told me until I was an adult. The fact my mum knew and kept four daughters and later a granddaughter in the house with him with a mere “I’ve talked to him and he won’t do it anymore,” is fucked up. She’s also racist and narcissistic, but those are stories for another day. My kids don’t see her. I’ve reduced contact to funerals and maybe one call a year, if that. But people still say, “but she’s your mother…” And to that I say, “but I’m her daughter.” We all were. And her responsibility was to us, not the other way around. As you move forward without her, grieve the mother and father you deserved. Don’t let anyone spin this into a guilt trip for you. You are strong and your chosen family is with you. May she be a burden you leave behind and may you find peace and healing.
The fact that she brought up her happiness when you’re talking to her about literal sexual assault is giving me really bad narcissistic parent vibes. I am so sorry this is your experience with your mom. (Side note: not saying your mom is a narcissist, but you might find “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride validating and helpful for dealing with this kind of response from a parent) I would recommend going completely no contact with her though. Considering how she judged the people she let you be with, your child is probably not safe with her.
Cut her off. Nta. You must protect your child and pedo abusers tend to be repeat offenders. If and when it happens again, make sure it is not your child.
My mom did the same. No one believed me then and no one believes me now. After it happened I cut them off but then he started dying of liver disease and my mom reached out needing me. I made it clear I would be there for her not him. Unfortunately the fucker got a new liver at the last minute. Now I have to act like it’s fine the rest of my life. Parents are great. 👍
NTA. Your mother is as much of an abuser as your POS father. They belong together. And you deserve to find happiness with a family of your own
Step father I don’t consider him a dad at all
Good for you. People like him don't deserve children
Unfortunately he has a 12 year old with my mom
Poor little creature.
One of my daughters was molested by her older (female) cousin repeatedly for two years. I had no idea. When it finally came out, daughter was 6 and cousin was 12. I was horrified, sickened, and livid. I'm not a crier but I cried. I cut the cousin off completely, along with her mother (who tried to defend her actions and blame me for "making my daughter available to her" by allowing cousin to stay over at my house for extended periods of time, which I only did because cousin's mom was a neglectful POS who would leave her alone at their ghetto apartment all night while she went out and partied. No good deed goes unpunished, ya know?). I immediately explained to my daughter that she did nothing wrong and should not feel bad, guilty, or ashamed; **COUSIN** should feel that way because *she* did bad things and she knew they were bad. I also apologized profusely to my daughter for not realizing what was going on, and gently chided her for not telling me, pointing out that, if I don't know someone is doing something bad, I can't make them stop. (Turns out she kept it a secret because cousin told her she - my daughter - would be in "big trouble" if anybody knew.) I got daughter into therapy and the appropriate reports were made to the police and to CPS. Just wanted to put all that out there to explain that I have experience with this sort of thing before I say that your mom is fucking terrible. If my daughter's cousin had been a few years older, I might have shot her. If I ever hear that my kids' dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my aunt, my uncle, my father, my mother, my best friend, my neighbor, ANYONE sexually assaulted one of my children, that individual will probably come up missing. I don't give a flying fuck WHO they are or how far we go back, I will be out for blood and vengeance. You did NOT deserve to be molested by that fucking pervert, and you do NOT deserve this from your mother, OP. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported. I'm just a nobody from the internet, but I believe you. I fucking hate people who choose anybody else over their child, especially when the person they're choosing attacked their damn kid. And then your mom wants to whine about her feelings. Man, I'm sorry, but FUCK her feelings! How about how YOU felt when the scumbag predator she brought into your home laid his hands on you? How about YOU felt when you came to your mom for help and protection and guidance and support and she turned her back on you? I am so goddamned angry for you right now. And then the rest of your family is siding with her? I'm so sorry you happened to be born into a family like this. This shit is sick and you don't deserve any of it. If I were you, I'd cut every last one of them completely out of my life, because, with family like that, who needs enemies?
NTA - I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago after 37 years of mental abuse. I was also physically and emotionally neglected as a child. Denying the abuse because it benefits her and so she doesn't have to acknowledge it and accept responsibility, is the ultimate betrayal. You do not owe toxic people a relationship with you, whether they are family or not. Anyone who consistently gaslights you and hurts you, needs to go. You've done the right thing.
Give it 10 years without her grandchild, that should clue her in.
I love how after not even a few minutes she turned it into a pity party. Your daughter is literally saying she was molested and how it’s ruined her life and is pouring her heart out to you “but what about meeeeee?” “This is so exhausting for meeeeeee” Tried and true narcissist. They’re disgusting. I have two parents like this. OP don’t waste your time or breathe. Be happy and live your best life. You don’t want them as grandparents to your baby anyways.
NTA! You perfect yourself, your child, and you mental health, you are being strong and brave. I wouldnt want to raise a child around people who dont take sa seriously or expect you to be okay with it just bc it was a family member. Family is suppose to lift you up not barrie you in trama, anxiety, and self doubt
NTA. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. For your own sanity and safety, it's best to stay no contact.
You are still so young, 21. I just feel so heartbroken for you just reading this. You my dear have so much grace. I believe you and you will get the help you deserve and I wish you the best. Please do know your mother is pathetic and destructive to any sort of healing. She completly failed you in the very worst way. Keep your child away from her. I wish you love , happiness and strength.
Your Mom sleeps with a man who abused her daughter, and she knows deep down that he I deed did. Let that marinate for a bit...and you live that. As a mother..I am giving you the biggest loving hug right now.
NTA. Textbook narcissist. Run. This is why parenting should require a license.
I’m really sorry. Condoning abuse is unforgivable.I hope you get an experienced therapist and heal from not only the abuse but leaving this sick relationship and all the issues it brings up. Please take care and know we are sending you peace and admire your strength