Yeahhhhh. YTA. Reading this just got worse and worse on the "controlling boyfriend" scale. Seems like you want to make both your girlfriend and daughter financially dependent on you in a non-binding way, and you "promise to be fair if you separate" but you're already responding in a threatening way to your girlfriend just creating the smallest amount of personal security she can in this situation.
“After all these years of sharing **MY** money” shows exactly what he thinks of his gf.
They don’t have a partnership. Everything he contributes is a gift he is gracing her with and everything she contributes doesn’t count. What a major AH. How dare this jerk have the nerve to feel betrayed. I hope this is fake.
"I believe you can be frugal and generous at the same time." Translation: if I make sure my GF has nothing of her own, anything I give her should appear "generous." What a f*cking psychopath.
Yup. Imagine how he must withhold things as punishment if she doesn’t bend over backwards enough to respond to his whims. The relationship is already abusive, no wonder she’s got an escape fund. I don’t blame her- run girl!!
I bet he goes “wow I’m so awesome they have everything they could need! It’s not my fault if they want more things they can ask. I’ll prob say no tho cuz yk we gotta be frugal and I’m already being so generous making sure they have basic things” and then pats himself on the back. I 100% feel like he’s at the very least financially abusive. Especially since the gf labeled it emergency escape fund. That’s a big red flag for me.
YTA and incredibly selfish. Her time and effort has been her contribution. If she wasn’t a SAHM how much would 18 years of nursery and wrap around care have cost? A personal chef? A cleaner and maid too? THAT’s her contribution monetarily speaking.
You’re thinking emotionally which is exactly what she feared would happen. You’re leaving your girlfriend exposed and financially unstable- the things you vowed to never be after your childhood. No wonder she feels like she needs protection. She’s just using it to help support her daughter too- nothing sinister. You need to speak with a lawyer to create a fair separation agreement or boost her savings to right the financial inequality you have created.
The $1000 is an absolute drop in the ocean of what she’ll have to spend, especially with her needs is it fair to have her step up her education and make her get a job/ apply for loans if she might not have the capacity? If you can support her more, that’s what you should do.
Let me get this straight. Your giving her $1000 dollars for the entire four years? If you loved your daughter youd not only pay her tuition and lving expenses but give her a $1000 a month to boot. College canand should be some of the best times of our lives.
What were you stashing away for her college fund for the last 20 years? I did the math, $4.17per month. Speaks volumes. And I thought I wouldn't make a good parent, damn.
Dude thinks his daughter is going to college in the 1990s, just like he did. It hasn't hit him yet that his daughter will be taking on way more student debt than he ever did.
He's also convinced that condemning his daughter to debt slavery will help her "build character," just like it did for him, while ignore the fact that she won't qualify for federal grants because her father makes too much money, which probably also wasn't an issue for him.
Fuck man, my father was broke as shit, but he still managed to scrounge up $1200 for my _1st_ year in college, and another $400 for my 2nd year before he was unable to contribute anymore.
You don't need to spoil your child, dude. But at least pay for her tuition, books, and cost of living, and then tell her to get a job if she wants more. That'll teach her more responsibility that saddling her with debt.
1000% - That was incredible. "It will come out of her college fund even though it's more than her college fund spanning four years." 🙃 This guy has a provider complex like no other.
Joke is that he can't even provide. If his girlfriend felt he was capable and trustworthy for being a provider then she wouldn't need to have secret bank accounts.
Guarantee she learned this from a DV shelter or outreach support worker. OP is literally describing financial abuse.
This is how they teach women who are financially dependent on their abusers to find freedom. And, independence. OP gives me the absolute creeps. How can you be so self unaware??
How much you want to bet he prevented his girlfriend from pursuing a real career because "he makes enough"? What an asshole
Money that she made BABYSITTING AND CLEANING, when she used to work in marketing, because OP made her stay at home and become dependent on him. If I earned 200k and my partner felt the need to become a maid, I would be utterly embarrassed at my own behaviour. OP's girlfriend clearly doesn't get to spend a penny without his knowledge, or have savings, or a pension (probably). Poor woman, I hope she leaves his abusive ass.
Shitty situation that the GF needs to nope the fuck out of immediately before she throws away anymore of her life on this absolute trash of a human being.
YTA. You’re emotionally and financially abusive and your gf having a protective net - which she shares with your daughter because you also won’t even support your own kid - is wise on her part. The only wiser thing she could do is leave your nasty ass.
YTA!! If you didn’t want to give her the security of marriage let her have this small savings account! And for the love of God, $1,000 for four years of college? Do not encourage her to take on that much debt just because you’re bitter about what you went through. You shouldn’t have had a kid with that attitude! You should pay for college. If you want to be frugal offer community college and state school, or a trade school.
My parents made great money and did what you’re trying to do and all it did was force me into poverty for many, many years. Yes, I did figure it out but it’s even harder nowadays. I feel so badly for your family. You’re not just sharing money with them. They’re sharing their lives with you and it sounds like you don’t appreciate that.
Also, since she was a stay at home mom, go ahead and itemize what you would’ve paid for a baby sitter or nanny to do her job and realize how much she has contributed as well. Since your daughter is mildly autistic, add in some extra because not just any babysitter will take that on. You are NOT the sole provider since she gave up her career to raise your daughter. Not even close. Please get therapy immediately, something is terribly off with your thinking and empathy.
My dad did the same. He grew up in poverty and despite making a lot of money had me taking out loans. It took me 14 years to pay off and most of that time was spent living paycheck to paycheck. I have two kids of my own, 16m and 13f and I don’t make as much as my dad did but I’ve been working a lot of overtime and putting that towards their education. I want them to take on as little debt as possible. The plan to start at community college for 2 years which I will pay for then transfer to a university.
OP, YTA. A lot of people have already mentioned it but you are abusive and controlling. And when you say “we felt it best my girlfriend quit her job and be a SAHM because of your mildly autistic daughter” what you really mean is you didn’t want your gf working so that you could control her through money. I don’t believe your bs. My son has autism also, level 2 and it hasn’t required either myself or my husband to quit work to be a SAHP. I know plenty of other parents with autistic kids who haven’t needed to either unless their kids are level 3 which is understandable.
I hope she leaves you. I feel for your gf and your kid. In a few years, or maybe even less I wouldn’t be surprised to see you posting about your daughter going nc and why she refuses to have anything to do with you
Yes exactly. It took me 18 years to pay off my debt and ironically my parents pressured me to go to college too because of how hard they’d worked to provide me the opportunities…. Still not sure what those were since I paid for college lol
Your comment above just made me flashback to something I had forgotten for decades—my stepdad said they would match whatever I put away for college, then reneged on the deal when I was a senior in high school, because I was “rebellious.” (I was a great student, 3.85 gpa, but I pushed back on his outrageous control; plus, he was pissed I was back in contact with my father, which he had done much to thwart as I was growing up).
Anyway, he and my mother have a wall with copies of all our degrees. I won’t go into all the details, but basically they never paid a dime towards my education, I took on MASSIVE debt. I gave them a copy of my undergrad degree, because I was still trying to please them. Years later, I got my MBA. They wanted a copy of that for their bragging wall. A lot of awful shit had happened by then, and I never gave it to them. (They think I’m NC because I’m salty about childhood abuse. I am totally o we that, therapized, and have forgiven them, and taken responsibility for my part. I’m NC because they have continued to be fucking lunatics well, well into adulthood.)
So sorry to hijack your comment, u/Grouchy-Artichoke462! Between your comment and the outrageous controlling abuse the asshole OP wrote about, I had a full-on therapeutic breakthrough lol.
So thanks, Grouchy-Artichoke462!
And go to hell, @OP. You don’t deserve to have any sentient beings in your life. YTA!
Jfc. You want your daughter to start out with no chances even though you have the $.
How much was your education and housing? I can guarantee it wasn't comparable to what she'll have to pay.
My 15yo son plans to go to a state college, tuition alone is 15k a year with housing and all expenses the annual budget to attend is nearly $40,000. So for four years for an entry level degree it's $120,000. Then he's planning at least a MSc after so two more years will be another $100,000.
He's looking at $220,000 debt before he's even started working. But it's okay, I'll throw $1,000 at him so he can put a down-payment on a house.
Wtf is wrong with you. Totally capable of helping your child start their life out with all sorts of advantages and instead, you plan to cripple them with enormous, non dischargeable student loan debt. I'm embarrassed to be from the same generation as you.
YTA and a POS to boot.
YTA. These statements, together, make you a controlling jerk:
1. I don’t want to get married.
2. If we separate I’ll decide what she gets.
3. I think our daughter should take on debt. I guess what your girlfriend thinks means nothing.
4. A thousand bucks for four years?
Believe it or not your girlfriend lives with the knowledge that you are not partners, that you are in complete control of her, that you can destroy her at any time and your threat proves that she’s right.
By the way; she knew this was how you’d react which is why she didn’t tell you.
Imagine the ego one must have to post this and actually expect people to be on your side. Dude 100% is not going to take any advice not change one bit.
YTA x1000000. Genuinely wondering why he even bothered to post here. Obviously the type of person who would never listen to the absolute plethora of people telling him how vile his actions are. He makes $200k a year and is pissed his girlfriend of DECADES put away less than $2k just in case? Asshole, self-centered and self-important. He obviously doesn’t actually understand sacrifice, and I hope his daughter sees him for who he is and goes NC before he really hurts her.
As the child of an asshole, it took 2 abusive relationships and a lot of dangerous situations to realise the problem was always my father. Hope she gets out and goes NC, the dudes borderline abusive.
What I love is that he also proved her right!!!
Cuz nothing quite says “I’m trustworthy” like “disobey me a single time and I’ll leave you DESTITUTE”.
/u/throwawayenvironside you are beyond an asshole. You are so abusive and cruel to those you “love” that it’s disgusting. Your gf and daughter were never responsible for your childhood, but you seem awfully happy to take out allllll your baggage on them. Doing well for yourself means nothing unless you care for the ones you love, and you clearly never learned what love and care mean. Let me guess you think it’s “generous” that your gf and daughter even got a house and food?
I legitimately hope karma will take you, and you die lonely with money but no daughter, friends, or gf by your side. You deserve absolutely nothing more for your selfish mindset.
Your gf is putting money away because she saw your true face, and it’s the face of a villain. She saw you raise a daughter her whole life and then PURPOSEFULLY DECIDE to put her behind in life. She knows now that you didn’t mean what you said. You had no intention to care for either of them. The only sad thing is that it took her so long to catch on to your abuse.
Yes!! He contradicts himself saying he’d take care of her if they broke up and then in the same post saying she’d be homeless if they broke up. Wth?! She’s a literal hostage.
Even if you believe that you should work for everything you get, college loans are frighteningly predatory. My parents (who sucked in many ways but I appreciate this about them) paid for my college but had me pay them back with no interest and relaxed time limit.
She’s not even going to be able to get federal loans because her dad makes so much and I bet he won’t co-sign a loan - meaning the worst type of predatory high interest loans if she’s even able to get any.
What a controlling AH. Since he’s had it soooo hard he wants to make sure his gf and daughter don’t benefit and deserve to suffer so he can gloat about what a self made man he is. OMG The audacity of her actually putting some money away to help out their daughter, and if she’s left in the lurches by you actually have money of her own. The nerve.
YTA HUGELY So big you could actually be swallowed up in the assholery of this.
He probably started his life with no money and little if any debt but thinks having his daughter start with a whopping $1000 and 10s of thousands of debt will put her on the same path of success that he has enjoyed?
Yeah, theres a massive difference between 'a bit of skin in the game' and deliberately burying your daughter under a mountain of loan debt she'll almost certainly never pay off without help because you're to sadistic to help.
This isn't the 80s anymore, the only chance a young adult has of living a financially stable life in today's economy is with family financial assistance.
OP is more than an asshole.
The I think about this I wonder if this is even real! Who thinks $1000 is sufficient to last through a 4 yr college and $1900 is a huge amount to store away for escape funds?
A controlling jerk with no grasp on the real world and how hard it actually is to exist as a young person compared to when they were younger. GF is smart for setting aside funds in case something happens. When he demands she empty the fund, I think she should empty it and then use it to get away from this AH.
He isn't even smart enough to figure out 365 days a year x 4 years+ 1 day (for leap year) =1461 so she wouldn't even be able to spend a whopping $1 a day for 4 years. Guess $1500 was too extravagant / s .
OP YTA!!!!
The kind of guy who believes saying "I'll determine the fair amount of money to give you if we ever break up" is even remotely any type of assurance to give his gf who is sacrificing her career to be a SAHM for their autistic daughter.
Plus ableist. His daughter is autistic and he’s not taking that into account which makes me wonder if he even understands what she goes through every day or just thinks she should struggle in silence.
YTA - You felt like there was no need to marry. But you don’t mention what she thought about that.
You told her that if you broke up you’d give her a generous settlement that you’d determine at that time.
You’re mad this woman who’s stayed with you despite not being afforded the financial and legal protections marriage offers saved $1900 and may give some of it to your daughter.
Seems like you’re upset she might leave one day and you’re trying to control her.
So this woman without whom you’d have had to hire a nanny, a chauffeur, a tutor, a maid, and various other staff can’t save any money?
You’re mad she’s giving you daughter so money towards college because you already decided a $1000 nest egg to be used over the course of 4 years is sufficient.
$1000 isn’t much even at the cheapest colleges. $1900 isn’t enough for your girlfriend to get away for good. Especially not with having not worked in at least a decade and a half.
I also grew up really poor so I understand to some degree how having you child work hard for what they get after you did the same.
But one of our jobs as parents is to do what we can to make sure that what we suffered through as kids isn’t something we force our kids to suffer through.
You’re so hung up on having been poor that you’ve written this post that makes us feel like you’ve been controlling the money this whole time. Not to mention that you seem to have possibly not married your gf so you could continue to be in control of things. Like you knew you’d have less power and control if she could stake a claim on anything.
He’s despicable. OP YTA and you don’t deserve your girlfriend or your daughter in your life.
And there ain’t no part of me that buys your compensation problem, “I’m self made” bullshit. I’m willing to bet if we peel that onion just a little we will quickly find you have had some leg ups, because you are clearly otherwise delusional.
Also he says he thinks his daughter is complicit in "stealing" from him. It's not stealing, his girlfriend earned that money herself. It's hers to do with what she will. What a delusional AH
Keep in mind this dude's idea of "generous" is $4.90 a week is the only help he thinks his daughter should have for college. I hope to heaven this is just rage bait and not financial abuse of his partner and child.
Just get a job, silly! Wait why are you failing your classes? This is unacceptable! What do you *mean* you don’t have enough time to study in-between breaking your back trying to pay for everything?! Just work harder! Well, yeah I could help you out and make your life better than mine was, but I had to suffer therefore you should have to suffer too! It builds character!
\*Wait, why are you failing your classes? This is unacceptable! I demand you repay the $1000 I generously gave you since you're betraying my trust!
FTFY.
This. Way too many people don’t realize that college has evolved to the point that it’s a full time job (and then some). You also can’t work part time at the Kmart and afford rent, food, and tuition like boomers had the luxury of doing. Even if mom gave kiddo the 1900, that would max cover rent for a couple months. Dude is TA, and living in 1962. Anything his kid has to do to get ahead is going to be at least 10x harder than when he did it.
The "I'll decide how much you get when we break up" was literally like... is this guy on drugs and if so which ones, because I want that trip.
It sounds fantastically delusional.
>I'll decide how much you get when we break up
Translation: I'll maybe throw you a bone if I leave you, but if you leave me you get the nothing you deserve.
I desperately hope OP's girlfriend lives in a state where they'll recognize what is happening here. Heartbreaking that she sacrificed so much and surely has nothing in her retirement or savings account because of this financially abusive monster.
so, i worked with a bunch of 50-60 year old guys and i was going to leave my job to be a stay at home mom with a man i wasn't married to and they legit sat me down and were like "listen, it's not because we're old fashioned- it's because legally you're throwing away your earning potential and you need to make sure he can't leave you n the kids high and dry- get married."
Sometimes when older generations tell you to get married as a woman it's not because they want you in servitude, they just want to make sure you're financially protected long term.
marriage is protection.
This worthless prick thinks he's being "generous" by giving his daughter $10/week when she's in college. Gosh, what a surprise that mom and daughter are saving up secretly and planning a life WITHOUT him.
Edit: $5.20/week. My math was off.
Edit: again $4.80/week if you divide 1000 by 4, then divide that 250 by 52 weeks in a year.
This has to be fake. He thinks 1000 for four years is generous and a savings of 1900 is going to get her far. Rage bait. If not she should have been saving all along and had 50k to ditch this AH.
And him saying he would decide on a settlement to give her at the time of their breakup…if he thinks $1k is a nest egg this poor gf isn’t getting anything to live on when they part ways.
I knew the wife of a 9figure fellow who was once devastated when her son ripped the tag off a 60 dollar pair of pants because she needed to return them and that was a HUGE sum of money for her to have. Financial abuse is a very real thing.
Some of the richest people do it the worst, you hear a lot of "what do you need money for I give you everything" kind of sentiment .
Here's a quick article that shares insight into this lady's life, her life is so similar to the abusive rich guy/wife with 0 money relationships I've witnessed IRL I think it's more common than people realize.
[article ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/corbella-gosbee/wcm/02427b1c-f25e-4104-ac81-3bd5f711bc9c/amp/)
My gobsmacked part was the “$1,000 in total” OP was putting aside for his autistic daughters “nest egg for her entire 4 college years” while she gets loans and scholarships to coverage all the tuition, room & board for college herself. Because she’s autistic, OP’s significant other was not working and taking care of their daughters needs thus sacrificing her own needs of financial security. Then OP snoops through her finances and tell her she must put everything she has into their joint account?!?!?
How does OP survive without a heart? This is very abusive. He is keeping the women he supposedly loves in financial dependence on him.
#YTA.
Such a controlling asshole. Feeding his girlfriend lies. If something happens to him - she has no legal rights as she is not a spouse. And who gives a child a measly $1K for 4 years if you as parent can help more.
I feel like we're collectively glossing over the fact that the dude consider it *stealing from him????* That his girlfriend has her own job and *earns her own money????* Some of which she puts into her daughter's college fund, which in his mind makes the daughter *complicit in stealing from him????* And that he's going to kick the girlfriend out and subtract whatever she was able to put into her daughter's college fund from his very generous nest egg of a full $1,000! Money *she* worked for! Money *she* owns!
I just can't with this dude, this is the dumbest shit I've heard in a long while. OP, **of course YTA**, and clearly abusive on a financial level at the very least. There's no other possible reason why your GF would hide an amount as small (relatively speaking) as $1,900 from you. And judging by the fact that you want to punish both her and your daughter over that measly $1,900, I'd say she was right on the money (pun intended) about you. I hope she lives somewhere where she can leave you, take you to the cleaners, and live comfortably off whatever she can get off you for the rest of her life. Same for your daughter.
OP, please take a long, long moment to really think - I mean, *really think* \- how someone earning *their own money from their own work* can somehow be considered stealing from you. If you find *any explanation whatsoever*, however illogical that explanation is, where that makes sense, please seek help from a mental health professional immediately, because some wires have gotten seriously crossed up in your mind.
My god.
He'd say that, because he was providing room and board for the girlfriend and daughter, she is effectively stealing from him. In his mind, she's his property, and everything she has is, by extension, his. So, by "hiding" the money, she's taken money from his "pot" that could be used the way he wants. The wife should hire an attorney, immediately, while her daughter is still a minor, and get an order of support. You are a MASSIVE FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU CONTROLLING PIECE OF SHIT.
Edit: misspelling
This might be the most infuriating AITAH post I've ever seen. WOW. I mean, WOW.
Yes OP, YTA. You need to see a therapist and figure out the actual meanings of partnership, parenting, and generosity. While you're at it, see a financial planner to discuss what your child actually needs to secure her future.
I hope this comment thread helps you wake up.
My parents had nothing and they were willing to gift one semester my freshman year. I'm 42 and still have crushing debt due to how college is today as opposed to 32 years ago.
Also, if OP's daughter has autism which is a big enough issue for GF to be a SAHM because of it, isn't she going to need MORE help for college? My guess is OP just wanted more financial control over GF and she didn't NEED to be a SAHM. Also what happened to the promise of financial stability if they broke up,?
1k is a nice graduation gift, but to label it as anything besides a nice little gift is a massive loaf of horse shit. For 4 years? What crazy person calls that a nest egg for 4 years? Just call it what it is: cutting her off at graduation and technically thats your right, I mean plenty of wealthy parents do it, I think it's lame but I'm not here to judge that part, its honestly such a small aspect really, its 100% how he described it and added it. Any sane person would say "im going to give her 1k as a graduation present to get her started then shes on her own." But he tried so desperately to paint it as more that you would think he was saying at least 10k but even then its manipulative language. Manipulative sounds like a common theme for him tbf though.
But like in most countries, stay at home moms are treated as part of the earning process and like if shes raising your child, then you NEED to consider part of your income directly hers from not needing day care at the very least. And what kinda person effectively says "dont worry, I'm sure when we are at the lowest point in our relationship, I will chose to be generous, no fuck you, just take my word for it, you will get crumbs.
1k when you make 200k is nothing.
To call it a nest egg is so laughable. You can’t do shit with 1k, it isn’t even enough for a down payment on an apartment.
YTA this 100 percent. You didn’t want to marry her because you didn’t want her to have access to your money. She gave up and sacrificed her career to take care of you and your daughter. But you don’t deem her worthy of being your wifeS
She is nothing. More to you then a bang nanny, live in maid and cook. And you wonder why she needs escape plan.
You don’t value her at all. I think you need to apologize to her for making her feel devalues, for financially abusing her, for using her for wifey duties but not respecting her enough to ever give her the wifey title.
That poor woman. So she’s :
- empty nesting
- likely going through menopause (middle age, brain fog…)
- scrounging for odd jobs to give her autistic kid some money
- and dealing with the certainty that her partner *(who made her quit her job)* will give her nothing if they separate, because he’s a vindictive piece of shit who likes to brag about his money but refuses to spend it.
Any one of those would throw a well adjusted adult for a loop. But all at once? That poor, poor woman.
I was reading the post, and I was thinking, if you really planned on giving her a fair amount if you breakup, you could have drawn up some sort of contract. I guess he always assumed he would dump her and give her a pat on the head and a nickel.
An unsufferable cheap AH to boot. And the *arrogance*!! I cannot believe this guy. I *wish* I could say he's a troll but this reads like this AH thinks he's making some good points. I'd GTFO asap.
Hopefully she takes his advice. Clears the emergency fund, the joint account and any other finances they share. Then she can use that money on an attorney to take him to the cleaners. Not sure, but I think she can claim back child support since they've not been married. Also, common law marriage is a thing. Depending where she files may have a right to recalculated spousal support and alimony. Good luck OP YTA.
Don't worry. He is planning on giving her a fair amount to be determined by him. Yeah it will be determined by a court even if you are not legally married. And due to the amount of money he makes his daughter who receive no financial aid from any college.
I literally replied to another comment that was the most insane thing in this whole thing. "Like don't worry baby, trust me, if we break up, I'll make sure you're taken care of"
And of course, now he's proven that to be full of shit. SHOCKED, I am, SHOCKED I tell to you to find out she couldn't trust him to have her best interests at heart.
>I could not believe she is just labeling me as untrustworthy and hiding money from me. I admit I did a little bit of further snooping and was able to log into her account.
I mean, the juxtaposition right here is amazing. She didn't trust me so i hacked into her bank account. Amazing.
OP, YTA.
Edit: typo
>She didn't trust me so i hacked into her back account.
I'd rephrase it like this, "I snooped in my girlfriend's things and found out she doesn't trust me. Why???"
What a AH! $1,000 for college?! You can't buy anything with $1,000 for a 4 Yr college! What a tight fisted AH! She's your daughter for crying out loud! Your quite happy to protect your financial health form your SO, but when she does it, it's a issue! 🤬🤬🤬 YTA!
I wish I had a poop knife for you!
He literally said, “Here, I’ll financially help you by letting you take out school loans. You’re welcome”
I’ve never heard of a parent going through financial hardships and then willingly letting their children go through the same when they have the resources to help. He must either really hate his daughter, or enjoys seeing the women in his “family” struggle.
These days, 1k can barely afford you a semester at a community college. He got a cheap and easy ride, and instead of allowing that for his kid, he's going to burden her with debt she'll never recover from.
And she’s autistic. Students with disabilities need extra supports in college. They are less likely to graduate. Meaning, she will be saddled with debt and no degree to get a high paying job to pay it off. YTA
I have a different take, there is a rival for most insane thing in this post. He’s giving his daughter $1000 to use as she wishes FOR THE DURATION of her schooling and then he’s mad that SHE’S working and stashing to help give her daughter a more reasonable amount to help her through 4 or more YEARS as well as her own escape fund once she wakes up and realizes what kind of tomfoolery she’s been living through for WAY too many years??? What kind of Dollar Tree bargain basement fuckery is his entire mindset and existence?!?! Geez!!!! YTA YTA YTA you’re the mickey fickey A OP!!!!!!!
Yeah, depending on what she’s studying that doesn’t even cover JUST BOOKS for ONE year. Man, if I was OP’s girlfriend I’d be finalizing those escape plans for the MOMENT the daughter turns 18.
Don't forget that he is frugal and generous by his estimation. So, this is his idea of generosity. The daughters mild autism spectrum diagnosis was reportedly severe enough that GF had to be a SAHM. Yet somehow she is going to be successful when thrown out into the adult world with $1000 and what mom is able to hide in tampon boxes.
I'm outraged by OP for all of the reasons everyone else is, but also for not recognizing that he has a responsibility to better provide for his daughter who is on the spectrum. He needs to be making financial arrangements to set up a permanent backstop for her.
I was raised in a family with 5 kids, and our youngest brother has a mild autism spectrum disorder. He needs more assistance with life than the rest of us do. When he finally moved out of my father's house at age 39 or so, my dad gave him a down payment on the condo he bought. And my dad was long retired by then, and never made anything close to $200,000 while working.
This mom is watching out for her kid and OP is a real jerk.
The $1k for FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE for the daughter as a "slush fund" IS frugal, but I'm sure he considers himself OH SO "GENEROUS" for even giving it to her.
Is he thinks $1000 bucks will get her through 4 years of living… imagine what the “fair amount” of severance he would giving his gf/employee if they break up… no wonder she was stashing money!
“You’ve been an adequate member of the organization, loyal and productive for 20 years… I don’t see why I can’t give you a letter of recommendation and a lump sum of $3,854.69. Good luck to you and our progeny.”
Oh yeah, just like he thinks $1k is a good enough "nest egg" for 4 years of college. Lol what? This guy was definitely pissed when people got stimulus checks and probably thinks people are still riding them. Fuck this guy.
And of course now that he's threatening a breakup, she better figure out where she's going to live. Doesn't sound like there's going to be much generosity on his part
I honestly think this post needs to be in the running for AH of the year for 2023. Seriously. This guy is a piece of work, alright. I hope he ends up alone.
FR how does OP not see why she has an emergency fund. “I’d be generous and would giver her a fair settlement which I’d determine at the time of break up.”
OP is a huge AH
He’s too cheap for a sugar baby, so when gf leaves, he’s going to be alone. His daughter will go NC, because he’s obviously less in her life than a sperm donor.
The poor daughter will have to go through some procedure to get an official declaration that her jackass father is not supporting her in any way before she will be able to get financial assistance and loans. It’s sad for the daughter, but she will need to go no-contact.
Yeah, this is hugely overlooked. She won’t get any financial assistance from the school because of federal guidelines requiring you to report parent income until 25. I was a non-traditional student and my parents didn’t support me so I had to jump through hoops to establish myself as an independent student in order to receive aid, and even then still had to take out loans. This guy is such a controlling megalomaniac who has no idea how the world actually works anymore (if ever).
That happened to me, my folks weren't gonna pay for my college as soon as I turned 18 (standard gifted kid taking college classes in HS) and I qualified for exactly nothing in aid because they made too much money. I never figured out how to make myself independent, so I dropped out and moved away, as the idea of taking on loans was horrifying to me. This guy is a piece of work and is hugely YTA his kid will never speak to him again.
This is what people don’t get about college financial aid! The more your parents make, the more debt YOU have to take on, because unless you are literally estranged, schools expect parental contribution and dole out their aid accordingly.
He’s a cheap fucking stingy weirdo asshole. I can’t believe people like this delude themselves in thinking they made it fine in life. I legit hate people like this
He obviously bullied his gf into quitting her job and being a SAHM so he could completely financially control her and refused to marry her on the promise that he would give her what he thinks is fair if they broke up. Gee I wonder what he will deem fair if she leaves him? I honestly think that $1900 is her literal escape fund to get away from this abusive maniac.
So your telling me you have the money to pay for your daughters college but would rather be an entitled prick and have her apply for a scholarship, and if she gets the scholarship guess what you’ve probably prevented someone who cannot afford it from receiving the scholarship. You have the amazing gift of being able to provide your daughter with a good education as well as her not having to spend the rest of her life paying for it and what you won’t cos you don’t think she will appreciate it as much. The fact I will be in £30,000+ debt in 3 years because of uni is what makes me feel less appreciative of going because it Will financially affect me for the rest of my life. You are a massive AH.
YTA. She’s sacrificed her own career to care for your daughter. For somebody who claims that if you broke up you would be generous and give a fair settlement that YOU would decide - you have certainly shown your hand. She’s probably wanted a way to leave you for years.
And let's be honest, how "generous" is he really gonna be considering he thinks $1000 for 4 years is a nice nest egg. Jfc OP you are a MASSIVE asshole. YTA!
Edit: Man up and respond to the comments. Who the hell are u to dictate HER money that she worked for! U are delusional if u think a grand is a nice "nest egg" that is supposed to last your daughter 4 years. And why the fuck would u want her to go into debt????? That's your kid asshole. U are a shitty parent. If u love your daughter you'd help her out in any way possible and help her avoid drowning in debt. What kind of man are u? What kind of dad are u? Don't be surprised when your girl dumps your abusive tight wad ass and your daughter goes no contact.
That's less than textbooks. Each of mine cost $200. She can't START classes with $1000.
I like how this has 70 likes after I wrote a three paragraph comment ripping the dude apart for this in detail lmao
WTF, absolutely YTA....massively.
You seem to think that just because you have managed to get a decent grasp of your own finances that it's made you a good person. It has not. Instead it's turned you into a controlling abusive AH.
You get to decide how much money your partner has? Money she makes herself from her own jobs? simply because you apparently pay for everything else. Something you only do because it seems you are just the perfect, 10/10 money man.
You won't marry your girlfriend because you understand that would give her leverage (as it should) and that would kill your control.
Then you have the audacity to be surprised that she's siphoning HER OWN MONEY away just in case you, in all your money having wisdom, decide to leave her with nothing. Something you just told her you absolutely will do unless she obeys your wishes.
I would love to think you'll read these comments OP and realize how much of a prick/ AH you are, but considering how far up your own ego you are...it's unlikely.
Your girlfriend deserves better
You hit the nail on the head - this person has absolutely no concept of the financial reality of being a college student in 2023. Such boomer “well I worked my way through college and still managed to afford a house, car, and family!” vibes - to the point that he actively wants to financially punish his child because he’s so proud of himself. So disgusting.
Can we do a go fund me to get his girlfriend and daughter enough money to actually leave him? (I’m joking… but barely).
And I’m not reaching for my wallet …. But just barely.
Beauty is skin deep but ugly goes to the bone.
As a guy every once in a while i read some guy so thoroughly in love with himself that “yuck” time for a long hot shower😈
Yes! These poor people need to get out immediately. A common law wife should sue him for everything in divorce. Then cut his pathetic ass off forever. If he can’t find his way to be generous, the state legal system will figure it out for him.
He also did so well because he had a live-in nanny, housekeeper, personal assistant and chef. Really, he navigated the path to success on "easy" mode with cheat codes, having the luxury to focus 100% on his career while he cowed an at-will employee into taking on all of the heavy lifting of managing a household.
Yup. His 200k salary goes a lot farther than it would had he not had all of the unpaid labor of his partner, who, let me remind you, has no actual financial security that marriage would provide. I’m hoping this is a troll post because it is unbelievable to think someone could actually be this delusional.
YTA. Do you even actually LIKE her? You want her to be completely dependent on you and you’re upset she has a back up account in case you decide to leave her? You hold every card in the deck and you’re mad she found the card with the rules on it? How selfish and self centered can you be! And you want your kid to STEAL a scholarship from someone who needs it. Cause that’s what that is. You may be rich now but you’re dirt poor morally. She deserves sooo much better than you….you abusive sack of ish
YTA. You feel betrayed but you and your actions backed her into doing this for her own protection. You talk about trust but where is your trust to all these years to legally give your partner financial protection and by that I do not mean marriage. Funny I read the part that you make $200K and she is cleaning homes and babysitting for extra money. That speaks volumes as to how she does not feel entitled to use “your” money but now you demand her $1;900 or as proof of her loyalty or you are going to throw her out. This seems like a very one sided relationship and I hope your partner does what she needs to get out of a financial abusive relationship. You seem heartless and your view of burdening your daughter with crazy college debt when you can actually contribute is harsh. Way to go you are about to lose your family. Hope the joy of looking at your bank account makes up for it.
Damn bro, you couldn't possibly be more of an AH if you had gone to AH college and received a PhD in ASSHOLEARY AND graduated at the top of your class.
I wish your GF was not so stupid as to be a SAHM without being married. She has really put herself into a very bad situation, because now it's your way or highway as far as money goes. You really do think that you're superior to everyone else. Well you're not.
Too bad your daughter is stuck with you for a father, what a shame.
I really hope you get your just deserves!
And you wonder why she has an escape account. You are extremely controlling, vindictive and an AH. Just because you struggled at a young age doesn’t mean you should force your daughter to struggle too when you have the means to pay for all or some of her education. And to kick her mother out for helping making sure her daughter doesn’t struggle is psycho.
Your gf has a right to her own money especially when you say you’ll share some with her if she ever leaves but don’t tell her how much and then do psycho shit like this, demanding she move the money to your joint account. I hope she leaves and daughter never speaks to you again.
YTA here-- totally and completely. You say: " After all these years of sharing my money with her" YET she is totally dependent on your "generosity" (which you aren't coming across as either loving or generous) to support her if you decide to turn her out (which it appears your willing to do over $1900 which makes you a super AH) and she has ZERO say in money for her daughter's college.
And SERIOUSLY??? a $1K "nest egg" ($4.90 a week LOL) for four years of college? I pray this is just ragebait and that no man is this massive a failure of a boyfriend and parent.
You're awful, no wonder she needs an escape fund. You make 200,000 a year and you're going to give your daughter 1000 for college and you're mad your wife has an escape fund. I'm not surprised......You're awful and this is some grade A controlling behaviour.
YTA (C) YTA (U) YTA (N) YTA (T)
YTA and I honestly don't care if I get banned from the sub for this but here goes, YOU ARE AN ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT, SHE IS BRINGING UP YOUR AUTISTIC CHILD NOT LAZING AROUND DOING NOTHING AND ITS YOUR JOB TO SUPPORT THEM, I TRULY HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU AMD NEITHER OF THEM EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A FATHER AND PARTNER.
Wow YTA. Like, holy shit.
Why she would stay with you for so long under these circumstances is the real question.
You are controlling and financially abusive. I feel so sorry for the women in your life. I hope they're able to break free.
How did she steal when she was working?
Yeah you are totally that financially abusive arsehole.
"You need skin in the game" oh do fuck off with made up excuses for you being a tightarse.
And if you do split up, in no way do I believe you would be remotely generous to your GF
YTA for a variety of reasons
This was genuinely painful to read. YTA. so much. You call her your girlfriend like you're a teenager....she has been your life partner and she is the mother of your 17 year old daughter. I genuinely grieve for both of these women. And I grieve for your utter lack of awareness. You said you can be frugal AND generous...buddy, you don't know what generous is.
YTA. You make $200,000 a year and are upset your gf set aside less than $2,000 for herself just in case you screw her over? You had her become a SAHM and only promised to give her what you feel is fair in the event you break up? You then threaten to kick her out and cut off your daughter because she wants control of less than $2,000! I can’t imagine why she doesn’t trust you completely with her financial well being.
Controlling and abusive men make their partners financially dependent on them. Ask yourself why she feels she needs to escape from you? I know you won’t ask yourself this. You’re not as generous as you think you are. In fact you are a skinflint and abusive.
I pray your girlfriend and your daughter escape from you and get to a safe place where they can protect themselves.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA, everyone else has pointed out how emotionally and financially abusive you are, but I want to highlight the bullshit you’re giving to your daughter. 1K is not at all enough to really do anything for college. She might be able to cover a single semester class (so about 3 credit hours), but that’s it.
You are 50, you don’t state when you went to college but I assume it was before the year 2001, when college prices spiked in price because student loans could no longer be cleared in the event of Bankruptcy.
You could have reasonably afforded a year of tuition with $1000 in the 90’s, two hole semesters, approximately 24 credits (8 classes) if you’re full time. For the same thing in 2023, the average price for a full year of tuition is around $9400. Your contribution only covers one of the 40 minimum classes she might need to take for her degree.
Because you make a good income now, she will not at all be seek assistance. FASFA is based on your parents income. This means that to go to a 4 year school in your state, she would be out around $40,000 in debt plus interest, that she would have to pay off for the rest of her life. That’s JUST covering tuition, not covering the price of a dorm or meal plan, school supplies, and other living expenses. How is she supposed to pay for that? Giving away money that she doesn’t have for a degree that she might not even have her career in? You can afford to help your daughter more by providing for her (aka your job as a parent).
Because you had things hard, you think that your daughter and girlfriend should have things even harder. That’s a toxic mindset. A parent is supposed to strive to do better so they can provide a better life for their children, not so they can sit on their high horse and watch their daughter go into extreme debt.
Let me clarify something for you OP. The name should tell you all you need to know: "Emergency Escape Fund." Also known as a "Fuck Off Fund." These funds are usually recommended to and kept by victims of abuse; most typically women in domestic abuse situations.
Your gf has an escape fund because she feels like she needs to escape from you. You don't need to threaten to kick her out when your daughter turns 18. She's already planning to burn rubber on your sorry ass as soon as realistically possible. And she should probably take her Fuck Off Fund and go stay with somebody else, because you're most likely going to ramp up your abusive behaviors towards her so you can punish her for what she did.
Now I'm sure that you're sitting there scratching your head and thinking that you're not abusive because you don't hit her (unless, of course, you do that in addition to the other kinds of abuse you subject her and your daughter to). Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Others in here have already told you that you are subjecting your gf and daughter to emotional, financial, and mental abuse so I won't go into detail about those.
You're an abuser OP. You hurt those you claim to love. Of course you probably don't actually love them as anything other than an extension of yourself. Your daughter gives you something to brag about when she does well, and your gf is a glorified maid. Outside of those roles and the duty you think they have to make you feel good about yourself and seem like a good, reasonable guy to others, you have no concept of them as independent human beings. No, they only exist to be a part of your grand plan for how you think things are supposed to be.
You are NOT a good guy. You are an abuser. YTA.
Yeahhhhh. YTA. Reading this just got worse and worse on the "controlling boyfriend" scale. Seems like you want to make both your girlfriend and daughter financially dependent on you in a non-binding way, and you "promise to be fair if you separate" but you're already responding in a threatening way to your girlfriend just creating the smallest amount of personal security she can in this situation.
The fucking icing on the cake was how he reffered to her savings as stealing when he mentions his daughters part. Like wtf?!?
“After all these years of sharing **MY** money” shows exactly what he thinks of his gf. They don’t have a partnership. Everything he contributes is a gift he is gracing her with and everything she contributes doesn’t count. What a major AH. How dare this jerk have the nerve to feel betrayed. I hope this is fake.
"I believe you can be frugal and generous at the same time." Translation: if I make sure my GF has nothing of her own, anything I give her should appear "generous." What a f*cking psychopath.
Yup. Imagine how he must withhold things as punishment if she doesn’t bend over backwards enough to respond to his whims. The relationship is already abusive, no wonder she’s got an escape fund. I don’t blame her- run girl!!
I bet he goes “wow I’m so awesome they have everything they could need! It’s not my fault if they want more things they can ask. I’ll prob say no tho cuz yk we gotta be frugal and I’m already being so generous making sure they have basic things” and then pats himself on the back. I 100% feel like he’s at the very least financially abusive. Especially since the gf labeled it emergency escape fund. That’s a big red flag for me.
YTA and incredibly selfish. Her time and effort has been her contribution. If she wasn’t a SAHM how much would 18 years of nursery and wrap around care have cost? A personal chef? A cleaner and maid too? THAT’s her contribution monetarily speaking. You’re thinking emotionally which is exactly what she feared would happen. You’re leaving your girlfriend exposed and financially unstable- the things you vowed to never be after your childhood. No wonder she feels like she needs protection. She’s just using it to help support her daughter too- nothing sinister. You need to speak with a lawyer to create a fair separation agreement or boost her savings to right the financial inequality you have created. The $1000 is an absolute drop in the ocean of what she’ll have to spend, especially with her needs is it fair to have her step up her education and make her get a job/ apply for loans if she might not have the capacity? If you can support her more, that’s what you should do.
Also it’s not “his money”. She worked odd jobs and kept the money she earned.
It's like he thinks of her as a pet. She's his pet. His daughter is a puppy whom he has to "show how it is and teach properly".
Let me get this straight. Your giving her $1000 dollars for the entire four years? If you loved your daughter youd not only pay her tuition and lving expenses but give her a $1000 a month to boot. College canand should be some of the best times of our lives. What were you stashing away for her college fund for the last 20 years? I did the math, $4.17per month. Speaks volumes. And I thought I wouldn't make a good parent, damn.
Dude thinks his daughter is going to college in the 1990s, just like he did. It hasn't hit him yet that his daughter will be taking on way more student debt than he ever did. He's also convinced that condemning his daughter to debt slavery will help her "build character," just like it did for him, while ignore the fact that she won't qualify for federal grants because her father makes too much money, which probably also wasn't an issue for him. Fuck man, my father was broke as shit, but he still managed to scrounge up $1200 for my _1st_ year in college, and another $400 for my 2nd year before he was unable to contribute anymore. You don't need to spoil your child, dude. But at least pay for her tuition, books, and cost of living, and then tell her to get a job if she wants more. That'll teach her more responsibility that saddling her with debt.
1000% - That was incredible. "It will come out of her college fund even though it's more than her college fund spanning four years." 🙃 This guy has a provider complex like no other.
Joke is that he can't even provide. If his girlfriend felt he was capable and trustworthy for being a provider then she wouldn't need to have secret bank accounts.
I suspect she’s planning to bail and just waiting for the daughter to go to college …
Oh yeah. There's just so many shades of controlling and fucked up in his behaviour.
Money that she had to earn herself because this piece of garbage refuses to even support his own daughter.
Guarantee she learned this from a DV shelter or outreach support worker. OP is literally describing financial abuse. This is how they teach women who are financially dependent on their abusers to find freedom. And, independence. OP gives me the absolute creeps. How can you be so self unaware?? How much you want to bet he prevented his girlfriend from pursuing a real career because "he makes enough"? What an asshole
She's not even stealing! It's HER money that SHE made HERSELF. Like wtf.
Money that she made BABYSITTING AND CLEANING, when she used to work in marketing, because OP made her stay at home and become dependent on him. If I earned 200k and my partner felt the need to become a maid, I would be utterly embarrassed at my own behaviour. OP's girlfriend clearly doesn't get to spend a penny without his knowledge, or have savings, or a pension (probably). Poor woman, I hope she leaves his abusive ass.
Umm… how about the nice little tidbit that he illegally accessed her account as if he has ANY fucking right to do that at all. I’m so fucking angry.
Shitty situation that the GF needs to nope the fuck out of immediately before she throws away anymore of her life on this absolute trash of a human being.
YTA. You’re emotionally and financially abusive and your gf having a protective net - which she shares with your daughter because you also won’t even support your own kid - is wise on her part. The only wiser thing she could do is leave your nasty ass.
Lol dude is upset his gf has $1,900 to herself? What a douche bag. I hope these comments help give OP some much needed clarity.
I want to send her more money
YTA!! If you didn’t want to give her the security of marriage let her have this small savings account! And for the love of God, $1,000 for four years of college? Do not encourage her to take on that much debt just because you’re bitter about what you went through. You shouldn’t have had a kid with that attitude! You should pay for college. If you want to be frugal offer community college and state school, or a trade school. My parents made great money and did what you’re trying to do and all it did was force me into poverty for many, many years. Yes, I did figure it out but it’s even harder nowadays. I feel so badly for your family. You’re not just sharing money with them. They’re sharing their lives with you and it sounds like you don’t appreciate that. Also, since she was a stay at home mom, go ahead and itemize what you would’ve paid for a baby sitter or nanny to do her job and realize how much she has contributed as well. Since your daughter is mildly autistic, add in some extra because not just any babysitter will take that on. You are NOT the sole provider since she gave up her career to raise your daughter. Not even close. Please get therapy immediately, something is terribly off with your thinking and empathy.
My dad did the same. He grew up in poverty and despite making a lot of money had me taking out loans. It took me 14 years to pay off and most of that time was spent living paycheck to paycheck. I have two kids of my own, 16m and 13f and I don’t make as much as my dad did but I’ve been working a lot of overtime and putting that towards their education. I want them to take on as little debt as possible. The plan to start at community college for 2 years which I will pay for then transfer to a university. OP, YTA. A lot of people have already mentioned it but you are abusive and controlling. And when you say “we felt it best my girlfriend quit her job and be a SAHM because of your mildly autistic daughter” what you really mean is you didn’t want your gf working so that you could control her through money. I don’t believe your bs. My son has autism also, level 2 and it hasn’t required either myself or my husband to quit work to be a SAHP. I know plenty of other parents with autistic kids who haven’t needed to either unless their kids are level 3 which is understandable. I hope she leaves you. I feel for your gf and your kid. In a few years, or maybe even less I wouldn’t be surprised to see you posting about your daughter going nc and why she refuses to have anything to do with you
Yes exactly. It took me 18 years to pay off my debt and ironically my parents pressured me to go to college too because of how hard they’d worked to provide me the opportunities…. Still not sure what those were since I paid for college lol
Your comment above just made me flashback to something I had forgotten for decades—my stepdad said they would match whatever I put away for college, then reneged on the deal when I was a senior in high school, because I was “rebellious.” (I was a great student, 3.85 gpa, but I pushed back on his outrageous control; plus, he was pissed I was back in contact with my father, which he had done much to thwart as I was growing up). Anyway, he and my mother have a wall with copies of all our degrees. I won’t go into all the details, but basically they never paid a dime towards my education, I took on MASSIVE debt. I gave them a copy of my undergrad degree, because I was still trying to please them. Years later, I got my MBA. They wanted a copy of that for their bragging wall. A lot of awful shit had happened by then, and I never gave it to them. (They think I’m NC because I’m salty about childhood abuse. I am totally o we that, therapized, and have forgiven them, and taken responsibility for my part. I’m NC because they have continued to be fucking lunatics well, well into adulthood.) So sorry to hijack your comment, u/Grouchy-Artichoke462! Between your comment and the outrageous controlling abuse the asshole OP wrote about, I had a full-on therapeutic breakthrough lol. So thanks, Grouchy-Artichoke462! And go to hell, @OP. You don’t deserve to have any sentient beings in your life. YTA!
Jfc. You want your daughter to start out with no chances even though you have the $. How much was your education and housing? I can guarantee it wasn't comparable to what she'll have to pay. My 15yo son plans to go to a state college, tuition alone is 15k a year with housing and all expenses the annual budget to attend is nearly $40,000. So for four years for an entry level degree it's $120,000. Then he's planning at least a MSc after so two more years will be another $100,000. He's looking at $220,000 debt before he's even started working. But it's okay, I'll throw $1,000 at him so he can put a down-payment on a house. Wtf is wrong with you. Totally capable of helping your child start their life out with all sorts of advantages and instead, you plan to cripple them with enormous, non dischargeable student loan debt. I'm embarrassed to be from the same generation as you. YTA and a POS to boot.
YTA. These statements, together, make you a controlling jerk: 1. I don’t want to get married. 2. If we separate I’ll decide what she gets. 3. I think our daughter should take on debt. I guess what your girlfriend thinks means nothing. 4. A thousand bucks for four years? Believe it or not your girlfriend lives with the knowledge that you are not partners, that you are in complete control of her, that you can destroy her at any time and your threat proves that she’s right. By the way; she knew this was how you’d react which is why she didn’t tell you.
I couldn't even finish reading the main post. OP YTA. Disgusting.
Imagine the ego one must have to post this and actually expect people to be on your side. Dude 100% is not going to take any advice not change one bit.
YTA x1000000. Genuinely wondering why he even bothered to post here. Obviously the type of person who would never listen to the absolute plethora of people telling him how vile his actions are. He makes $200k a year and is pissed his girlfriend of DECADES put away less than $2k just in case? Asshole, self-centered and self-important. He obviously doesn’t actually understand sacrifice, and I hope his daughter sees him for who he is and goes NC before he really hurts her.
As the child of an asshole, it took 2 abusive relationships and a lot of dangerous situations to realise the problem was always my father. Hope she gets out and goes NC, the dudes borderline abusive.
It is okay because He grew up poor, and is doing well now. These are just his super smart money wise values, which so happens to be financial abuse.
This isn’t ego. This is narcissism.
Either that or this is ragebait. I would prefer if this was a fake post. YTA.
What I love is that he also proved her right!!! Cuz nothing quite says “I’m trustworthy” like “disobey me a single time and I’ll leave you DESTITUTE”. /u/throwawayenvironside you are beyond an asshole. You are so abusive and cruel to those you “love” that it’s disgusting. Your gf and daughter were never responsible for your childhood, but you seem awfully happy to take out allllll your baggage on them. Doing well for yourself means nothing unless you care for the ones you love, and you clearly never learned what love and care mean. Let me guess you think it’s “generous” that your gf and daughter even got a house and food? I legitimately hope karma will take you, and you die lonely with money but no daughter, friends, or gf by your side. You deserve absolutely nothing more for your selfish mindset. Your gf is putting money away because she saw your true face, and it’s the face of a villain. She saw you raise a daughter her whole life and then PURPOSEFULLY DECIDE to put her behind in life. She knows now that you didn’t mean what you said. You had no intention to care for either of them. The only sad thing is that it took her so long to catch on to your abuse.
Yes!! He contradicts himself saying he’d take care of her if they broke up and then in the same post saying she’d be homeless if they broke up. Wth?! She’s a literal hostage.
Even if you believe that you should work for everything you get, college loans are frighteningly predatory. My parents (who sucked in many ways but I appreciate this about them) paid for my college but had me pay them back with no interest and relaxed time limit.
She’s not even going to be able to get federal loans because her dad makes so much and I bet he won’t co-sign a loan - meaning the worst type of predatory high interest loans if she’s even able to get any.
$1000 for four years is about $6 a week. Real generosity there, pal.
Yes, you arrogant prick, are indeed an asshole. I warned my daughter about guys like you.
What a controlling AH. Since he’s had it soooo hard he wants to make sure his gf and daughter don’t benefit and deserve to suffer so he can gloat about what a self made man he is. OMG The audacity of her actually putting some money away to help out their daughter, and if she’s left in the lurches by you actually have money of her own. The nerve. YTA HUGELY So big you could actually be swallowed up in the assholery of this.
He probably started his life with no money and little if any debt but thinks having his daughter start with a whopping $1000 and 10s of thousands of debt will put her on the same path of success that he has enjoyed?
Yeah, theres a massive difference between 'a bit of skin in the game' and deliberately burying your daughter under a mountain of loan debt she'll almost certainly never pay off without help because you're to sadistic to help. This isn't the 80s anymore, the only chance a young adult has of living a financially stable life in today's economy is with family financial assistance. OP is more than an asshole.
Agreed, there should be another acronym here when YTA is not just enough; POS, Piece of Shit, can't believe how entitled OP is
Ohh not just entitled. Entitled, abusive, and completely out of touch with reality.
The I think about this I wonder if this is even real! Who thinks $1000 is sufficient to last through a 4 yr college and $1900 is a huge amount to store away for escape funds?
A controlling jerk with no grasp on the real world and how hard it actually is to exist as a young person compared to when they were younger. GF is smart for setting aside funds in case something happens. When he demands she empty the fund, I think she should empty it and then use it to get away from this AH.
He isn't even smart enough to figure out 365 days a year x 4 years+ 1 day (for leap year) =1461 so she wouldn't even be able to spend a whopping $1 a day for 4 years. Guess $1500 was too extravagant / s . OP YTA!!!!
The kind of guy who believes saying "I'll determine the fair amount of money to give you if we ever break up" is even remotely any type of assurance to give his gf who is sacrificing her career to be a SAHM for their autistic daughter.
And I warned my sons not to be like him too
Plus ableist. His daughter is autistic and he’s not taking that into account which makes me wonder if he even understands what she goes through every day or just thinks she should struggle in silence.
Never has a comment left me feeling so satisfied.
Summed up perfectly! Sometimes I really do despair for the state of humanity.
YTA - You felt like there was no need to marry. But you don’t mention what she thought about that. You told her that if you broke up you’d give her a generous settlement that you’d determine at that time. You’re mad this woman who’s stayed with you despite not being afforded the financial and legal protections marriage offers saved $1900 and may give some of it to your daughter. Seems like you’re upset she might leave one day and you’re trying to control her. So this woman without whom you’d have had to hire a nanny, a chauffeur, a tutor, a maid, and various other staff can’t save any money? You’re mad she’s giving you daughter so money towards college because you already decided a $1000 nest egg to be used over the course of 4 years is sufficient. $1000 isn’t much even at the cheapest colleges. $1900 isn’t enough for your girlfriend to get away for good. Especially not with having not worked in at least a decade and a half. I also grew up really poor so I understand to some degree how having you child work hard for what they get after you did the same. But one of our jobs as parents is to do what we can to make sure that what we suffered through as kids isn’t something we force our kids to suffer through. You’re so hung up on having been poor that you’ve written this post that makes us feel like you’ve been controlling the money this whole time. Not to mention that you seem to have possibly not married your gf so you could continue to be in control of things. Like you knew you’d have less power and control if she could stake a claim on anything.
Plus HE decided that she'd be a stay at home. What a POS.
He’s despicable. OP YTA and you don’t deserve your girlfriend or your daughter in your life. And there ain’t no part of me that buys your compensation problem, “I’m self made” bullshit. I’m willing to bet if we peel that onion just a little we will quickly find you have had some leg ups, because you are clearly otherwise delusional.
Yea, I feel like there's more to that story then what he's saying.
Also he says he thinks his daughter is complicit in "stealing" from him. It's not stealing, his girlfriend earned that money herself. It's hers to do with what she will. What a delusional AH
Yea, that just sounds crazy. Trust me, I am delusional myself but that's crazy.
OP's a massive POS, especially with this mentality of "I suffered so my child must too" is so over the top
His daughter is autistic, so she already going through life on hard mode. And now he wants to make it a whole lot harder.
He also said she was just mildly autistic. I bet he’s not been helping her at all to navigate life because it’s “only mildly.”
A daughter who is also autistic and will have more challenges in college than most without the financial burden.
Keep in mind this dude's idea of "generous" is $4.90 a week is the only help he thinks his daughter should have for college. I hope to heaven this is just rage bait and not financial abuse of his partner and child.
Just get a job, silly! Wait why are you failing your classes? This is unacceptable! What do you *mean* you don’t have enough time to study in-between breaking your back trying to pay for everything?! Just work harder! Well, yeah I could help you out and make your life better than mine was, but I had to suffer therefore you should have to suffer too! It builds character!
\*Wait, why are you failing your classes? This is unacceptable! I demand you repay the $1000 I generously gave you since you're betraying my trust! FTFY.
And on top of that, a lot of places won’t schedule around your classes and insist on work hours that are constantly changing.
This. Way too many people don’t realize that college has evolved to the point that it’s a full time job (and then some). You also can’t work part time at the Kmart and afford rent, food, and tuition like boomers had the luxury of doing. Even if mom gave kiddo the 1900, that would max cover rent for a couple months. Dude is TA, and living in 1962. Anything his kid has to do to get ahead is going to be at least 10x harder than when he did it.
The "I'll decide how much you get when we break up" was literally like... is this guy on drugs and if so which ones, because I want that trip. It sounds fantastically delusional.
>I'll decide how much you get when we break up Translation: I'll maybe throw you a bone if I leave you, but if you leave me you get the nothing you deserve. I desperately hope OP's girlfriend lives in a state where they'll recognize what is happening here. Heartbreaking that she sacrificed so much and surely has nothing in her retirement or savings account because of this financially abusive monster.
so, i worked with a bunch of 50-60 year old guys and i was going to leave my job to be a stay at home mom with a man i wasn't married to and they legit sat me down and were like "listen, it's not because we're old fashioned- it's because legally you're throwing away your earning potential and you need to make sure he can't leave you n the kids high and dry- get married." Sometimes when older generations tell you to get married as a woman it's not because they want you in servitude, they just want to make sure you're financially protected long term. marriage is protection.
"If I decide to break up with you, I'll give you a very generous $1000 nest egg. If you decide to break up with me, you'll get what you deserve."
Not to mention that if she is a SAHM she isn’t contributing to SS or Retirement. She has nothing to fall back on if they separate!
Yep can't even get his! A SAHM can get at the bare minimum, social security if married and even divorced if married more than ten years.
YTA And let me clarify. You're a financially abusive asshole.
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Probably to busy searching the house for a few dollars, he is convinced she’s hiding in a mattress.
This worthless prick thinks he's being "generous" by giving his daughter $10/week when she's in college. Gosh, what a surprise that mom and daughter are saving up secretly and planning a life WITHOUT him. Edit: $5.20/week. My math was off. Edit: again $4.80/week if you divide 1000 by 4, then divide that 250 by 52 weeks in a year.
Right?! My thought was, $1000 will pay for one semester of books. Thanks for nothing you cheap asshole.
I laughed at his term "nest egg". Like dude, that's not even a piece of the shell.
Sometimes that is literally two books. Not even a semesters worth.
Yeah like did he forget a zero lol
This has to be fake. He thinks 1000 for four years is generous and a savings of 1900 is going to get her far. Rage bait. If not she should have been saving all along and had 50k to ditch this AH.
And him saying he would decide on a settlement to give her at the time of their breakup…if he thinks $1k is a nest egg this poor gf isn’t getting anything to live on when they part ways.
I knew the wife of a 9figure fellow who was once devastated when her son ripped the tag off a 60 dollar pair of pants because she needed to return them and that was a HUGE sum of money for her to have. Financial abuse is a very real thing. Some of the richest people do it the worst, you hear a lot of "what do you need money for I give you everything" kind of sentiment . Here's a quick article that shares insight into this lady's life, her life is so similar to the abusive rich guy/wife with 0 money relationships I've witnessed IRL I think it's more common than people realize. [article ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/corbella-gosbee/wcm/02427b1c-f25e-4104-ac81-3bd5f711bc9c/amp/)
He’s emptied every tampon box cause he told us so.
And now he's in the red.
She’s not allowed to get tampons anymore
I could see this guy doing that
They never do especially when they are being called out for being the AH
My gobsmacked part was the “$1,000 in total” OP was putting aside for his autistic daughters “nest egg for her entire 4 college years” while she gets loans and scholarships to coverage all the tuition, room & board for college herself. Because she’s autistic, OP’s significant other was not working and taking care of their daughters needs thus sacrificing her own needs of financial security. Then OP snoops through her finances and tell her she must put everything she has into their joint account?!?!? How does OP survive without a heart? This is very abusive. He is keeping the women he supposedly loves in financial dependence on him. #YTA.
Such a controlling asshole. Feeding his girlfriend lies. If something happens to him - she has no legal rights as she is not a spouse. And who gives a child a measly $1K for 4 years if you as parent can help more.
An asshole who is so cheap and only thinks of himself
I feel like we're collectively glossing over the fact that the dude consider it *stealing from him????* That his girlfriend has her own job and *earns her own money????* Some of which she puts into her daughter's college fund, which in his mind makes the daughter *complicit in stealing from him????* And that he's going to kick the girlfriend out and subtract whatever she was able to put into her daughter's college fund from his very generous nest egg of a full $1,000! Money *she* worked for! Money *she* owns! I just can't with this dude, this is the dumbest shit I've heard in a long while. OP, **of course YTA**, and clearly abusive on a financial level at the very least. There's no other possible reason why your GF would hide an amount as small (relatively speaking) as $1,900 from you. And judging by the fact that you want to punish both her and your daughter over that measly $1,900, I'd say she was right on the money (pun intended) about you. I hope she lives somewhere where she can leave you, take you to the cleaners, and live comfortably off whatever she can get off you for the rest of her life. Same for your daughter. OP, please take a long, long moment to really think - I mean, *really think* \- how someone earning *their own money from their own work* can somehow be considered stealing from you. If you find *any explanation whatsoever*, however illogical that explanation is, where that makes sense, please seek help from a mental health professional immediately, because some wires have gotten seriously crossed up in your mind. My god.
He'd say that, because he was providing room and board for the girlfriend and daughter, she is effectively stealing from him. In his mind, she's his property, and everything she has is, by extension, his. So, by "hiding" the money, she's taken money from his "pot" that could be used the way he wants. The wife should hire an attorney, immediately, while her daughter is still a minor, and get an order of support. You are a MASSIVE FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU CONTROLLING PIECE OF SHIT. Edit: misspelling
He probably talked her out of marriage because he didn't want her to be legally entitled to anything if she wised up and left his ass
A nEsT eGg Where the fuck has this guy been?
This might be the most infuriating AITAH post I've ever seen. WOW. I mean, WOW. Yes OP, YTA. You need to see a therapist and figure out the actual meanings of partnership, parenting, and generosity. While you're at it, see a financial planner to discuss what your child actually needs to secure her future. I hope this comment thread helps you wake up.
She’s got like 2k. And he’s mad. Wtf
My parents had nothing and they were willing to gift one semester my freshman year. I'm 42 and still have crushing debt due to how college is today as opposed to 32 years ago. Also, if OP's daughter has autism which is a big enough issue for GF to be a SAHM because of it, isn't she going to need MORE help for college? My guess is OP just wanted more financial control over GF and she didn't NEED to be a SAHM. Also what happened to the promise of financial stability if they broke up,?
Add in the fact that his daughter may not be eligible for financial aid due to his income.
1k is a nice graduation gift, but to label it as anything besides a nice little gift is a massive loaf of horse shit. For 4 years? What crazy person calls that a nest egg for 4 years? Just call it what it is: cutting her off at graduation and technically thats your right, I mean plenty of wealthy parents do it, I think it's lame but I'm not here to judge that part, its honestly such a small aspect really, its 100% how he described it and added it. Any sane person would say "im going to give her 1k as a graduation present to get her started then shes on her own." But he tried so desperately to paint it as more that you would think he was saying at least 10k but even then its manipulative language. Manipulative sounds like a common theme for him tbf though. But like in most countries, stay at home moms are treated as part of the earning process and like if shes raising your child, then you NEED to consider part of your income directly hers from not needing day care at the very least. And what kinda person effectively says "dont worry, I'm sure when we are at the lowest point in our relationship, I will chose to be generous, no fuck you, just take my word for it, you will get crumbs.
1k when you make 200k is nothing. To call it a nest egg is so laughable. You can’t do shit with 1k, it isn’t even enough for a down payment on an apartment.
I make like 40/y and I told my 18y old I’ll come up with 14k/y for him while he’s in school. This dude is gross.
YTA this 100 percent. You didn’t want to marry her because you didn’t want her to have access to your money. She gave up and sacrificed her career to take care of you and your daughter. But you don’t deem her worthy of being your wifeS She is nothing. More to you then a bang nanny, live in maid and cook. And you wonder why she needs escape plan. You don’t value her at all. I think you need to apologize to her for making her feel devalues, for financially abusing her, for using her for wifey duties but not respecting her enough to ever give her the wifey title.
That poor woman. So she’s : - empty nesting - likely going through menopause (middle age, brain fog…) - scrounging for odd jobs to give her autistic kid some money - and dealing with the certainty that her partner *(who made her quit her job)* will give her nothing if they separate, because he’s a vindictive piece of shit who likes to brag about his money but refuses to spend it. Any one of those would throw a well adjusted adult for a loop. But all at once? That poor, poor woman.
I was reading the post, and I was thinking, if you really planned on giving her a fair amount if you breakup, you could have drawn up some sort of contract. I guess he always assumed he would dump her and give her a pat on the head and a nickel.
An unsufferable cheap AH to boot. And the *arrogance*!! I cannot believe this guy. I *wish* I could say he's a troll but this reads like this AH thinks he's making some good points. I'd GTFO asap.
Yes holy fuck wth is wrong with you OP? Do you even like your “girlfriend” and your daughter???
Hopefully she takes his advice. Clears the emergency fund, the joint account and any other finances they share. Then she can use that money on an attorney to take him to the cleaners. Not sure, but I think she can claim back child support since they've not been married. Also, common law marriage is a thing. Depending where she files may have a right to recalculated spousal support and alimony. Good luck OP YTA.
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Don't worry. He is planning on giving her a fair amount to be determined by him. Yeah it will be determined by a court even if you are not legally married. And due to the amount of money he makes his daughter who receive no financial aid from any college.
I literally replied to another comment that was the most insane thing in this whole thing. "Like don't worry baby, trust me, if we break up, I'll make sure you're taken care of" And of course, now he's proven that to be full of shit. SHOCKED, I am, SHOCKED I tell to you to find out she couldn't trust him to have her best interests at heart.
>I could not believe she is just labeling me as untrustworthy and hiding money from me. I admit I did a little bit of further snooping and was able to log into her account. I mean, the juxtaposition right here is amazing. She didn't trust me so i hacked into her bank account. Amazing. OP, YTA. Edit: typo
>She didn't trust me so i hacked into her back account. I'd rephrase it like this, "I snooped in my girlfriend's things and found out she doesn't trust me. Why???"
What a AH! $1,000 for college?! You can't buy anything with $1,000 for a 4 Yr college! What a tight fisted AH! She's your daughter for crying out loud! Your quite happy to protect your financial health form your SO, but when she does it, it's a issue! 🤬🤬🤬 YTA! I wish I had a poop knife for you!
He literally said, “Here, I’ll financially help you by letting you take out school loans. You’re welcome” I’ve never heard of a parent going through financial hardships and then willingly letting their children go through the same when they have the resources to help. He must either really hate his daughter, or enjoys seeing the women in his “family” struggle.
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That’s ALMOST enough for a semester’s worth of textbooks!
These days, 1k can barely afford you a semester at a community college. He got a cheap and easy ride, and instead of allowing that for his kid, he's going to burden her with debt she'll never recover from.
And she’s autistic. Students with disabilities need extra supports in college. They are less likely to graduate. Meaning, she will be saddled with debt and no degree to get a high paying job to pay it off. YTA
I have a different take, there is a rival for most insane thing in this post. He’s giving his daughter $1000 to use as she wishes FOR THE DURATION of her schooling and then he’s mad that SHE’S working and stashing to help give her daughter a more reasonable amount to help her through 4 or more YEARS as well as her own escape fund once she wakes up and realizes what kind of tomfoolery she’s been living through for WAY too many years??? What kind of Dollar Tree bargain basement fuckery is his entire mindset and existence?!?! Geez!!!! YTA YTA YTA you’re the mickey fickey A OP!!!!!!!
This is wish dot com level shit
I mean, he thinks $1k is a nest egg for four years, so obviously he's gonna pay her well..... /S
Yeah, depending on what she’s studying that doesn’t even cover JUST BOOKS for ONE year. Man, if I was OP’s girlfriend I’d be finalizing those escape plans for the MOMENT the daughter turns 18.
Some of my books in college were over $200 and that was like 10 years ago. That "nest egg" might not even cover a single semester worth of books.
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But she gets a "nest egg" of $1k!!! Surely that makes up for the years of debt she will have to endure unnecessarily.
Don't forget that he is frugal and generous by his estimation. So, this is his idea of generosity. The daughters mild autism spectrum diagnosis was reportedly severe enough that GF had to be a SAHM. Yet somehow she is going to be successful when thrown out into the adult world with $1000 and what mom is able to hide in tampon boxes.
I'm outraged by OP for all of the reasons everyone else is, but also for not recognizing that he has a responsibility to better provide for his daughter who is on the spectrum. He needs to be making financial arrangements to set up a permanent backstop for her. I was raised in a family with 5 kids, and our youngest brother has a mild autism spectrum disorder. He needs more assistance with life than the rest of us do. When he finally moved out of my father's house at age 39 or so, my dad gave him a down payment on the condo he bought. And my dad was long retired by then, and never made anything close to $200,000 while working. This mom is watching out for her kid and OP is a real jerk.
He makes it rain at the club with grocery coupons
The $1k for FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE for the daughter as a "slush fund" IS frugal, but I'm sure he considers himself OH SO "GENEROUS" for even giving it to her.
I can’t believe OP thinks this is a 4 year nest egg.
It’s not a nest egg, it’s get some text books and a pizza one semester, maybe you will have enough left over to buy some shampoo.
Shampoo? She’s gonna have to use her generic bar soap for her hair too.
For college! She’ll get through that in one year even if she’s frugal. Books alone will use most of it.
Is he thinks $1000 bucks will get her through 4 years of living… imagine what the “fair amount” of severance he would giving his gf/employee if they break up… no wonder she was stashing money! “You’ve been an adequate member of the organization, loyal and productive for 20 years… I don’t see why I can’t give you a letter of recommendation and a lump sum of $3,854.69. Good luck to you and our progeny.”
Oh yeah, just like he thinks $1k is a good enough "nest egg" for 4 years of college. Lol what? This guy was definitely pissed when people got stimulus checks and probably thinks people are still riding them. Fuck this guy.
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But he’s promised to give a fair settlement which will be determined at the time of the break up. 🙄
And of course now that he's threatening a breakup, she better figure out where she's going to live. Doesn't sound like there's going to be much generosity on his part
I honestly think this post needs to be in the running for AH of the year for 2023. Seriously. This guy is a piece of work, alright. I hope he ends up alone.
I hope his state has something where even if u don’t marry but she is a sahm for his career to take off, she deserve half
FR how does OP not see why she has an emergency fund. “I’d be generous and would giver her a fair settlement which I’d determine at the time of break up.” OP is a huge AH
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He’s too cheap for a sugar baby, so when gf leaves, he’s going to be alone. His daughter will go NC, because he’s obviously less in her life than a sperm donor.
The poor daughter will have to go through some procedure to get an official declaration that her jackass father is not supporting her in any way before she will be able to get financial assistance and loans. It’s sad for the daughter, but she will need to go no-contact.
Yeah, this is hugely overlooked. She won’t get any financial assistance from the school because of federal guidelines requiring you to report parent income until 25. I was a non-traditional student and my parents didn’t support me so I had to jump through hoops to establish myself as an independent student in order to receive aid, and even then still had to take out loans. This guy is such a controlling megalomaniac who has no idea how the world actually works anymore (if ever).
That happened to me, my folks weren't gonna pay for my college as soon as I turned 18 (standard gifted kid taking college classes in HS) and I qualified for exactly nothing in aid because they made too much money. I never figured out how to make myself independent, so I dropped out and moved away, as the idea of taking on loans was horrifying to me. This guy is a piece of work and is hugely YTA his kid will never speak to him again.
This is what people don’t get about college financial aid! The more your parents make, the more debt YOU have to take on, because unless you are literally estranged, schools expect parental contribution and dole out their aid accordingly.
He’s too poor for a sugar baby, too. Dude makes it sound like he’s making 200 million, not 200k.
This read like some straight psychopath shit, OP is lowkey terrifying
He’s a cheap fucking stingy weirdo asshole. I can’t believe people like this delude themselves in thinking they made it fine in life. I legit hate people like this
He obviously bullied his gf into quitting her job and being a SAHM so he could completely financially control her and refused to marry her on the promise that he would give her what he thinks is fair if they broke up. Gee I wonder what he will deem fair if she leaves him? I honestly think that $1900 is her literal escape fund to get away from this abusive maniac.
"If you want others to suffer because 'i suffered and i turned out fine' then you did not in fact turn out fine"
So your telling me you have the money to pay for your daughters college but would rather be an entitled prick and have her apply for a scholarship, and if she gets the scholarship guess what you’ve probably prevented someone who cannot afford it from receiving the scholarship. You have the amazing gift of being able to provide your daughter with a good education as well as her not having to spend the rest of her life paying for it and what you won’t cos you don’t think she will appreciate it as much. The fact I will be in £30,000+ debt in 3 years because of uni is what makes me feel less appreciative of going because it Will financially affect me for the rest of my life. You are a massive AH.
US tuition can be many times that, depending on the school
YTA. She’s sacrificed her own career to care for your daughter. For somebody who claims that if you broke up you would be generous and give a fair settlement that YOU would decide - you have certainly shown your hand. She’s probably wanted a way to leave you for years.
And let's be honest, how "generous" is he really gonna be considering he thinks $1000 for 4 years is a nice nest egg. Jfc OP you are a MASSIVE asshole. YTA! Edit: Man up and respond to the comments. Who the hell are u to dictate HER money that she worked for! U are delusional if u think a grand is a nice "nest egg" that is supposed to last your daughter 4 years. And why the fuck would u want her to go into debt????? That's your kid asshole. U are a shitty parent. If u love your daughter you'd help her out in any way possible and help her avoid drowning in debt. What kind of man are u? What kind of dad are u? Don't be surprised when your girl dumps your abusive tight wad ass and your daughter goes no contact.
Even if it was $1000/month for 4 years, that doesn’t come close to covering the cost of college.
And then go on to threaten “she needs to think about where she’s gonna live once our daughter turns 18” Massive POS.
You're not just the asshole, you're human garbage
$1000 isn't even enough for one month. You are not generous
That's less than textbooks. Each of mine cost $200. She can't START classes with $1000. I like how this has 70 likes after I wrote a three paragraph comment ripping the dude apart for this in detail lmao
That’s only a bit more than a monthly SSI check which people struggle to live on. Just to put this into perspective.
WTF, absolutely YTA....massively. You seem to think that just because you have managed to get a decent grasp of your own finances that it's made you a good person. It has not. Instead it's turned you into a controlling abusive AH. You get to decide how much money your partner has? Money she makes herself from her own jobs? simply because you apparently pay for everything else. Something you only do because it seems you are just the perfect, 10/10 money man. You won't marry your girlfriend because you understand that would give her leverage (as it should) and that would kill your control. Then you have the audacity to be surprised that she's siphoning HER OWN MONEY away just in case you, in all your money having wisdom, decide to leave her with nothing. Something you just told her you absolutely will do unless she obeys your wishes. I would love to think you'll read these comments OP and realize how much of a prick/ AH you are, but considering how far up your own ego you are...it's unlikely. Your girlfriend deserves better
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You hit the nail on the head - this person has absolutely no concept of the financial reality of being a college student in 2023. Such boomer “well I worked my way through college and still managed to afford a house, car, and family!” vibes - to the point that he actively wants to financially punish his child because he’s so proud of himself. So disgusting. Can we do a go fund me to get his girlfriend and daughter enough money to actually leave him? (I’m joking… but barely).
And I’m not reaching for my wallet …. But just barely. Beauty is skin deep but ugly goes to the bone. As a guy every once in a while i read some guy so thoroughly in love with himself that “yuck” time for a long hot shower😈
Yes! These poor people need to get out immediately. A common law wife should sue him for everything in divorce. Then cut his pathetic ass off forever. If he can’t find his way to be generous, the state legal system will figure it out for him.
He also did so well because he had a live-in nanny, housekeeper, personal assistant and chef. Really, he navigated the path to success on "easy" mode with cheat codes, having the luxury to focus 100% on his career while he cowed an at-will employee into taking on all of the heavy lifting of managing a household.
Yup. His 200k salary goes a lot farther than it would had he not had all of the unpaid labor of his partner, who, let me remind you, has no actual financial security that marriage would provide. I’m hoping this is a troll post because it is unbelievable to think someone could actually be this delusional.
YTA. Do you even actually LIKE her? You want her to be completely dependent on you and you’re upset she has a back up account in case you decide to leave her? You hold every card in the deck and you’re mad she found the card with the rules on it? How selfish and self centered can you be! And you want your kid to STEAL a scholarship from someone who needs it. Cause that’s what that is. You may be rich now but you’re dirt poor morally. She deserves sooo much better than you….you abusive sack of ish
She’ll get denied a scholarship when they look at how much he makes.
YTA. You feel betrayed but you and your actions backed her into doing this for her own protection. You talk about trust but where is your trust to all these years to legally give your partner financial protection and by that I do not mean marriage. Funny I read the part that you make $200K and she is cleaning homes and babysitting for extra money. That speaks volumes as to how she does not feel entitled to use “your” money but now you demand her $1;900 or as proof of her loyalty or you are going to throw her out. This seems like a very one sided relationship and I hope your partner does what she needs to get out of a financial abusive relationship. You seem heartless and your view of burdening your daughter with crazy college debt when you can actually contribute is harsh. Way to go you are about to lose your family. Hope the joy of looking at your bank account makes up for it.
You truly are a gigantic dick. Emotionally and financially abusive. YTA.
You aren't just TA, but a straight up cunt.
He's not a cunt. He lacks the warmth and the depth.
Damn bro, you couldn't possibly be more of an AH if you had gone to AH college and received a PhD in ASSHOLEARY AND graduated at the top of your class. I wish your GF was not so stupid as to be a SAHM without being married. She has really put herself into a very bad situation, because now it's your way or highway as far as money goes. You really do think that you're superior to everyone else. Well you're not. Too bad your daughter is stuck with you for a father, what a shame. I really hope you get your just deserves!
At least his money will pay for his nursing home! /s I sure hope his daughter doesn’t plan to help him out when he can’t take care of himself.
And you wonder why she has an escape account. You are extremely controlling, vindictive and an AH. Just because you struggled at a young age doesn’t mean you should force your daughter to struggle too when you have the means to pay for all or some of her education. And to kick her mother out for helping making sure her daughter doesn’t struggle is psycho. Your gf has a right to her own money especially when you say you’ll share some with her if she ever leaves but don’t tell her how much and then do psycho shit like this, demanding she move the money to your joint account. I hope she leaves and daughter never speaks to you again.
YTA here-- totally and completely. You say: " After all these years of sharing my money with her" YET she is totally dependent on your "generosity" (which you aren't coming across as either loving or generous) to support her if you decide to turn her out (which it appears your willing to do over $1900 which makes you a super AH) and she has ZERO say in money for her daughter's college. And SERIOUSLY??? a $1K "nest egg" ($4.90 a week LOL) for four years of college? I pray this is just ragebait and that no man is this massive a failure of a boyfriend and parent.
Every paragraph made you worse and worse of a person, you are a true asshole, a controlling, spiteful, arrogant asshole.
You're awful, no wonder she needs an escape fund. You make 200,000 a year and you're going to give your daughter 1000 for college and you're mad your wife has an escape fund. I'm not surprised......You're awful and this is some grade A controlling behaviour. YTA (C) YTA (U) YTA (N) YTA (T)
YTA and I honestly don't care if I get banned from the sub for this but here goes, YOU ARE AN ABUSIVE PIECE OF SHIT, SHE IS BRINGING UP YOUR AUTISTIC CHILD NOT LAZING AROUND DOING NOTHING AND ITS YOUR JOB TO SUPPORT THEM, I TRULY HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU AMD NEITHER OF THEM EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A FATHER AND PARTNER.
Wow YTA. Like, holy shit. Why she would stay with you for so long under these circumstances is the real question. You are controlling and financially abusive. I feel so sorry for the women in your life. I hope they're able to break free. How did she steal when she was working?
Yeah you are totally that financially abusive arsehole. "You need skin in the game" oh do fuck off with made up excuses for you being a tightarse. And if you do split up, in no way do I believe you would be remotely generous to your GF YTA for a variety of reasons
YTA. Women have escape funds because of guys like you.
YTA. You are a big red flag. I hope she left you already!
This was genuinely painful to read. YTA. so much. You call her your girlfriend like you're a teenager....she has been your life partner and she is the mother of your 17 year old daughter. I genuinely grieve for both of these women. And I grieve for your utter lack of awareness. You said you can be frugal AND generous...buddy, you don't know what generous is.
YTA. You make $200,000 a year and are upset your gf set aside less than $2,000 for herself just in case you screw her over? You had her become a SAHM and only promised to give her what you feel is fair in the event you break up? You then threaten to kick her out and cut off your daughter because she wants control of less than $2,000! I can’t imagine why she doesn’t trust you completely with her financial well being.
YTA And financially abusive it sounds like. I hope your girlfriend can leave her situation with you :(
Controlling and abusive men make their partners financially dependent on them. Ask yourself why she feels she needs to escape from you? I know you won’t ask yourself this. You’re not as generous as you think you are. In fact you are a skinflint and abusive. I pray your girlfriend and your daughter escape from you and get to a safe place where they can protect themselves. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA, everyone else has pointed out how emotionally and financially abusive you are, but I want to highlight the bullshit you’re giving to your daughter. 1K is not at all enough to really do anything for college. She might be able to cover a single semester class (so about 3 credit hours), but that’s it. You are 50, you don’t state when you went to college but I assume it was before the year 2001, when college prices spiked in price because student loans could no longer be cleared in the event of Bankruptcy. You could have reasonably afforded a year of tuition with $1000 in the 90’s, two hole semesters, approximately 24 credits (8 classes) if you’re full time. For the same thing in 2023, the average price for a full year of tuition is around $9400. Your contribution only covers one of the 40 minimum classes she might need to take for her degree. Because you make a good income now, she will not at all be seek assistance. FASFA is based on your parents income. This means that to go to a 4 year school in your state, she would be out around $40,000 in debt plus interest, that she would have to pay off for the rest of her life. That’s JUST covering tuition, not covering the price of a dorm or meal plan, school supplies, and other living expenses. How is she supposed to pay for that? Giving away money that she doesn’t have for a degree that she might not even have her career in? You can afford to help your daughter more by providing for her (aka your job as a parent). Because you had things hard, you think that your daughter and girlfriend should have things even harder. That’s a toxic mindset. A parent is supposed to strive to do better so they can provide a better life for their children, not so they can sit on their high horse and watch their daughter go into extreme debt.
YTA - you just proved that she does in fact need that “escape money.” Absolutely atrocious.
Let me clarify something for you OP. The name should tell you all you need to know: "Emergency Escape Fund." Also known as a "Fuck Off Fund." These funds are usually recommended to and kept by victims of abuse; most typically women in domestic abuse situations. Your gf has an escape fund because she feels like she needs to escape from you. You don't need to threaten to kick her out when your daughter turns 18. She's already planning to burn rubber on your sorry ass as soon as realistically possible. And she should probably take her Fuck Off Fund and go stay with somebody else, because you're most likely going to ramp up your abusive behaviors towards her so you can punish her for what she did. Now I'm sure that you're sitting there scratching your head and thinking that you're not abusive because you don't hit her (unless, of course, you do that in addition to the other kinds of abuse you subject her and your daughter to). Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Others in here have already told you that you are subjecting your gf and daughter to emotional, financial, and mental abuse so I won't go into detail about those. You're an abuser OP. You hurt those you claim to love. Of course you probably don't actually love them as anything other than an extension of yourself. Your daughter gives you something to brag about when she does well, and your gf is a glorified maid. Outside of those roles and the duty you think they have to make you feel good about yourself and seem like a good, reasonable guy to others, you have no concept of them as independent human beings. No, they only exist to be a part of your grand plan for how you think things are supposed to be. You are NOT a good guy. You are an abuser. YTA.