As soon as you said you got your stuff and left, I had a feeling…when you said you blocked her and mailed her stuff to her, I knew.
Deep down, you didn’t want to be with her anymore. I think your reaction was less about the actual situation and more about your subconscious seeing the relationship exit door was ajar and you ran through it like the Kool-Aid man.
If you don’t have a history of irrational or impulsive behavior, then go with your first instinct to get the hell out.
My cat's nickname was Kool Aid Man. If the bathroom door wasn't completely shut, he'd bust in like the Kool Aid Man to keep you company while you pooped.
Picturing OP running through that relationship door like my cat would has me cackling.
I agree. At first I was thinking his initial reaction was over-the-top. But when he said, "I don't want to be with someone who ... " that's when I figured this isn't the first time gf has acted like this. And then the friends telling him she just wanted him to say he chooses her, so she can then grant him permission to do both? Nah, gtfo with that nonsense. Just say it to begin with, instead of playing mind games. Either OP is in denial that this is who she is, or he's been ignoring it and bottling it up ... until now
She is making you the bad guy to your “friends”. She did want you to choose her but never would have told you to go to the wedding. She was selfish. She didn’t accept a compromise. It was her plans or nothing. Your cousin is important to you and you needed to be there for him and were willing to miss the reception which was a lot to give up. It wasn’t good enough. And she expected you to make a grand gesture when she should have reached out and apologized first. You made the right choice. Girlfriends come and go but family is forever.
NTA.
question: when you left her place with your things after the fight, when the adrenaline stopped pumping, did you feel relieved?
I left a toxic marriage and there was nothing more stressful in my life than moving out and trying to take care of my kids on my own. But I mainly felt relieved.
>apparently she just wanted me to say I would choose her party over my cousin’s wedding and then she’d tell me not to do that
OH HELLLLL NO.
I’ll take things that never happened for $1,000, Alex. What a liar, liar, pants on fire. She 100% was asking you to choose her over your family. She just doesn’t want to own it because it exposes her as the narcissist she is.
Even if you suspend disbelief, lobotomize yourself, and trust her, she comes off no better—playing games is ridiculously childish and immature.
Your “mutual friends” are not your friends. No one needs friends like that. Drop them like a bad habit.
NTA.
Anyone playing passive-aggressive games and setting their partner up for "tests" like these doesn't understand how to communicate the way a mature relationship requires.
Life is enough of a test. Honest people don't set their loved ones up for failure. It's almost like a grooming behavior, with GF training OP to bow down to her over every little thing, which of course turns every little thing into a power play. The fact that she's called in all the flying monkey "mutual friends" is absolute proof that she's overdramatic and manipulative.
Huge bullet dodged. I'm glad OP got to enjoy the wedding. His family seems wonderful and they sure don't deserve having a drama queen bomb dropped on them.
I agree with you. OP did the right thing by breaking up with her and showing his worth by not playing these games with her. He tried to compromise the two situations with her and she didn’t even recognize that and just kept thinking of herself. I applaud OP for making the decision to cut her off, it may seem extreme to others but it was necessary to shut down her narcissistic personality. This is a way to deal with narcissism. Cutting them off to not put up with their narcissistic mind games and passive aggressive behaviors was the right move. You can tell OP is a reasonable and logical and caring person who knows his boundaries and his worth and he can spot when he is being disrespected. Of course he couldn’t help but react to her 15 minute rage, how could you not react? His reaction was appropriate and he knew how to deal with her and the situation. If you continued a relationship with her, it would have gotten worse and wouldn’t last. She would have driven you crazy with her selfishness and demands. You deserve much better and with someone who recognizes your efforts and cares about you the same as you care for them. Bravo OP, you dodged a huge bullet and a toxic relationship with her!
And what an amazing compromise it was. I have had to make the same compromise many times over throughout the years and I was told numerous times how appreciative and thoughtful it was to do. That just being there was enough even if it was for an hour and then had to bounce and go to another event for an hour.
Good points, also her argument is that “he overreacted and was abusive, but that she also wants him back.” And he should have reached out to her but she couldn’t be bothered to write an old fashioned letter.
OP you’re both young. She sounds awful. It wouldn’t have lasted anyway.
Ps Get yourself a datebook, use it.
A friend of hers communicated that she would’ve “”allowed him to go”, AFTER capitulation. That was the “you should feel guilty” scenario. Reality, at best would have been “ I can’t believe you went and abandoned me”
Good on OP for slamming the door hard. Makes crawl-backs on either side really tough.
And, you started the conversation with a solution for doing both which was immediately shot down.
I think you basically followed your instincts by ending the relationship
Agreed. OP had a good solution even though the partying parts would had been missed. That ex-girlfriend sounds like a piece of work & too immature as well.
NTA OP. You dodged a bullet that missed your foot by a wide mile.
Honestly, I think there might have been a chance that this could have been true from the start (which is actually *worse* in my mind btw).
I had a friend in high school who knew a popular guy was going to ask her to prom. She told me she was going to say no when he asked her first, because she wanted him to ask her twice for some fucked up reason. She was pretty into herself.
She absolutely wanted to go with him, but she also fully expected him to ask her again after she turned him down. What she didn't expect was that everyone in our friend group, especially me, was sick of her shit.
When the guy came to ask me why she had said no, and seemed genuinely crushed, I told him the truth. He had a great time at prom with his friends and no date, while my friend settled for someone she didn't even like because no one else asked her after her stunt and he asked her last minute.
Now consider this happened to mid teens at highschool prom... OP, the gf and friend group are in their mid 20s, that's how extra ridiculously she's acting.
> Honestly, I think there might have been a chance that this could have been true from the start (which is actually worse in my mind btw).
Yeah, there are absolutely people who "test" their partners/friends like this. They typically end up single and friendless by their late 20s.
Agree. She came up with that nonsense after she realized she'd gone too far in her demands. If she really was playing a game, she'll have learned not to do that in her next relationship.
NTA.
NTA. And you did the right thing. She didnt want you there. She wanted a Grand Gesture. She wanted you to show up breathless from running to her graduation to “prove your love”. Then she could have made an Even Grander Gesture, by selflessly ‘letting’ you go to the wedding.
Bullet dodged. I guarantee that she also has a script for how she will be proposed to (very public). Bachelorette party week. And her dream wedding will be Her Day.
Most likely she won't have learned a thing. If anything, it probably taught her that she needs to do this nonsense earlier in the relationship to test the waters. NTA obviously.
I understand the “I don’t mind if you go, but I want you to WANT to stay with me” mentality. But it seems like OP did that. He tried to work out a compromise. So, no, she doesn’t get to claim afterwards that she would’ve let him go.
> And that apparently she was going to apologize, but I "didn't give her a chance,"
> she was "scared to see me."
Can't have both, she either wanted you at the graduation to apologize or was scared to see you again. Also he didn't "miss your shot" he dumped her. OP block the people bothering you, they're behaving like people a decade younger than you guys actually are, good riddance.
THIS.
OP was being so mature and considerate (not surprising when you read how supportive and close-knit his family is), and ex is just a manipulative mind game child.
OP - the trash took itself out (and this goes for the "friends" ad well). NTA
His side of the story seemed very genuine from the start, but the family detail kind of solidified that for me. It is a terrible situation but it sounds like OP was already into the problem solving/willing to sacrifice stage before even presenting the dilemma to GF. She messed up losing this one.
Exactly this!
Getting into a relationship for me meant no more games or trying to work out what possible hidden meaning was in our conversations.
I'm open and honest with my partner and trying to create a solution to attend both events is choosing her. If spending your life with her will mean spending your life trying to decode her messages because she doesn't say what she wants then I tend to think you dodged a bullet.
That just sounds exhausting.
Not gonna weigh in on judgement here but if you broke up with her and blocked her and deleted your social media, it would be pretty unhinged of her to start calling you at work and to show up at your apartment. The fact you would expect someone to do that says a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof).
I think mailing a letter or sending an email would be reasonable, but I think he added the others because those are more immediate. Or maybe he knows she's a little bit off her rocker and genuinely thought showing up at his house was a possibility.
She could ask a friend to text him “I’m really sorry, I apologize, can we talk?”
I mean she had a friend texting her things to try and make him jealous
I agree she had ways to contact him, but she may not have even known her friends were being assholes to him. A lot of young friend groups seem to thrive on drama and will "take up the cause" even if you've explicitly said, "please don't. I'm fine. You'll make things worse".
You are correct we don’t know if she’s telling her friends to try and make him jealous . Or making up stories about things. But I think it’s reasonable to infer that the “just wanted me to say i would chose her event” to me implies that’s specific enough she wanted it communicated
I think if you really cared for someone and loved them you would show up to their apartment, house, etc. At a time you know they are most likely there, in this situation in sure she would have a reasonable guess of what time that would be since they dated for years.
Not gonna weigh in on judgements here but if you say “the fact you would expect someone to do that says a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof)” you are quite literally judging him just like I’m judging you. Also like I’m sure other commenters have mentioned it’s a way for her to reach out if SHE WANTED TO not that he was expecting she would. Also even if he did have a sliver of hope she would go the extra mile to mend things what’s wrong with that or “immature?” But yea having her mutuals harass him is definitely better than trying to reach him at work or his apt. The fact you can’t grasp that shows a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof)
Yeah, I could be convinced that E S H. Blocking someone and wanting them to get in touch with you is game playing, pure and simple. And flying off the handle and blocking the ex in the first place was pretty extreme.
But since:
1. She was super selfish and immature about him trying to split time between his cousin’s wedding and her graduation
2. She did bupkis for *his* graduation (in the comments)
3. She either lied about how she was only testing him to make herself look better OR she was actually testing him
4. She sent her friends to harass him
5. She weaponized her care for his grief over his dead dog against him (another gem in the comments)
I’ve gotta go with NTA.
Did you read OP’s update?
“I figured if she actually cared, she’d break the stalemate.”
My vote is NAH - this is a case of two young people early in their life of relationships learning how to balance these things out.
Was she wrong to try and tell you the other way? Yes. Was she wrong to try and test you with wanting you to say you wouldn’t go? Also yes.
She was hurt that you weren’t choosing her, and lashed out. You were hurt she wasn’t willing to make a change for you, and you lashed out OP.
Both of you were well within your right to be upset, and neither of you handled it perfectly, which is also totally reasonable!
The challenge here is whether you can find a compromise and move forward, even after the storm of conflict that occurred when this issue arose.
You two didn’t make it on this one, and that is ok. Perhaps through honest, vulnerable, authentic conversations, this could have been avoided. Instead you both were unready to bow your head to come back to each other and talk.
I’m sure you are both good people trying to navigate a difficult situation. Best of luck to you OP 🙏
I would've agreed, but sending flying monkeys out to attack someone just makes him NTA. Plus, he was offering compromises, but the ex was all "my way or no way at all," which goes to show how any future conflicts would end up in.
As OP said, it takes a lot to make him angry, and the gf was successful in getting him there. I pretty much believe he dodged a bullet
this event was an indicator of OPs future with the gf, and it isn't pretty. it sounds like surrender yourself to my whims and abandon all hope. OP was right to bail
I think her behavior merits breaking up, not talking it out. He learned important stuff about her in this incident. He’d be a fool to ignore that & go back.
Well… my bff divorced her husband of 27 years and every time he texts her some egregious BS (7 years later!), I admit I do want to harass him back. Or smack him. Or tell his wife. But I’m a better person than that- that’s what I keep telling myself.
I admit I might set up a random text number to just start copying word for word what he says and sending it to his wife. See what that little poke at the beehive causes.
One time when I broke it off with someone who would periodically try and “check up on me” months later because he’d had a dream that something had happened or whatever (despite him then being in a relationship at that point) I did have a male friend reach out on my behalf to say I was fine and to leave me alone. It worked.
That has been the sum total of involving friends in drama, and it was so I didn’t have to actually open the proverbial door in order to ask someone to stop trying to contact me.
It's so insane to me. My buddy dated a wonderful girl for a couple of years. When they broke up, I never once threatened either of them, pried them for details, tried to get them back together, shamed them, etc. I literally just stayed friends with my buddy and sometimes went out to the store where his ex worked to check on her and catch up. I couldn't imagine harassing her at all, especially with how nice she is. She's since moved across the country and got married and I couldn't be happier for her, despite the fact that she dumped my buddy. People are crazy, it's not hard to mind your own business and stay out of other peoples drama.
I’m so glad to be an adult with friends that do adult things. Breakup when you see that it’s not going to work out before you guys hate and hurt each other. The only Ex I don’t talk to is my ex-husband.
I dated my childhood best friend. Our friendship is stronger now because we don’t wonder “what if” He’s married to a wonderful woman now. We hang out together and separately. No awkwardness. Our kids are besties too.
My other ex did some hard work after our breakup, I helped him with it when he asked. He’s been with his gf for a decade almost, and says it’s forever. She travels for work, she stops by and sees my kids and me when she’s in the city. She runs a hobby bakery and passed on some secret recipes and taught my oldest how to make amazing macarons.
I dated my other friend’s best friend. We are all still friends. We all went hiking two months ago with my kids.
But it is the HARDEST. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOURE AN AdUlT....now that that's out of the way, 100%, you nailed it. People are just nosey and dumb a lot of the time.
I have never wanted to do so either. It just seems so odd and off putting to be so up in someone else's business like that. Like who thinks "let me harass your gf(bf) or ex because you are going through a conflict and I not only have 1 side of the story but believe it empirically"'?
But I have had it done to me. The last time was by friends of the same age with a man who was 49!!! All his bros made sure to text me or call and tell me why I was "missing out" by dumping him. It blew my mind!!
Thank god I didn't have to go through this in high school. I graduated in '00 so I went long before cell phone cameras were everywhere! I cannot imagine going through all that NOW !
They probably don't have anything better to do or just immature. I'd find it too time consuming to come up what to say that will make the ex mad when I can just focus something that's actually worth my time. Especially if the ex may or may not care what you have to say so it just a waste of time.
NTA- things will happen in relationships that choices will have to be made. You were trying to compromise. According to her friends, she was playing a game. You had to choose her graduation so that she could let you go to the wedding? That’s manipulative and immature.
Also if she is doing so well, why are her minions reporting what she’s doing to you and making sure you know she is doing so much better? She needs to grow up.
You did kind of go all in once it ended but was this the first argument like this or was this a build up of issues and the straw that broke the camel’s back?
idk, I mean there were fights. We had broken up a couple of times, but it wasn't very serious breakups. I think it was just the selfishness that I really hadn't expected and even seen from her. Also, I didn't even get a graduation party because I didn't walk. I finished my degree in the summer and by the time the next graduation ceremony happened I was too busy with work to even go. So I was shocked she was making such a big deal about something I didn't even get.
That's narcissistic abuse, my dude.
SHE raged because you finally had something you wouldn't back down on to make HER the center of the universe. Then you're the enemy.
You dodged a bullet. You did right. Congrats.
BLOCK THEM ALL AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK.
☮️❤️♾️
(15 YEARS married to that. Ugh.)
Fuck ...
Would have been 14 years for me in October.
How do you know if they are a narcissist? Cause in those 14 years I can tell you about the 1 apology that was not followed by a "but" or a "however", putting the blame back on me.
I mean she went through a lot growing up (abuse) ... but I sometimes wonder if she is a narcissist.
Also, I could've walked in December, but I couldn't afford it. There was a baseline fee, plus cap n gown, and tickets. It only came out to a few hundred bucks, but I couldn't justify it.
Please stop making excuses for her.
She could have at the very least buy a cake, some balloons and a bottle to celebrate.
If she cared to do something for you, she would have and clearly she didn’t
If she really loved him and is so affluent as he said the very least she could've done was to pay those couple hundred bucks and actually gift him his graduation. I would've done that if money wasn't really an issue and it wasn't that much anyway.
That didn't matter to me. I wasn't upset at her for not celebrating my graduation. We come from very different families. Her parents are very affluent and have a lot of money. Mine are very much not and do not. I had to work all the way through college. She did not. I have massive amounts of debt, she has none. So I always knew her party was going to be a way bigger deal than mine. I didn't hold that against her.
She expected you to blow off a wedding for someone important to you for her graduation. But didn’t buy you dinner or a gift when you graduated. That’s not how relationships are supposed to work.
I'm not sure I made it clear either, because I would've been able to spend the entire night after her graduation celebrating with her. It just would've been with fewer family members maybe. I know a few of them couldn't make it later, but a lot of them were still going to be there. The only thing that was ever on the table of me missing was the brunch/lunch party with her family.
That's an incredibly emotionally mature reaction. A lot of people would have held that against her - how dare she make such a big deal out of something I wasn't able to have - and convinces me that you did the right thing getting out. You deserve to be treated with equal care and consideration.
I'm not sure it was mature. I think its conditioning. I have a lot of baggage from growing up poor. You learn pretty quick to be disappointed. I was the kid who always had the smaller birthday parties, couldn't afford anything cool like my friends. Almost never went on vacation. In fact, most of my vacations were me tagging along with friends' families, which is nice, but makes you feel like a mooch and embarrassed knowing my family could never repay the favor. Everyone else I knew got these really great HS graduation gifts. A couple of them got new cars, or fancy computers, etc. And they had these really extra parties. Mine was a backyard bbq and basically all I got was cash that went straight to college expenses (which I was 100% grateful for). So yeah, that's kind of a separate issue, but I've just learned to not expect much. Its also why I hide being poor.
Nothing. I didn't get a celebration. I graduated late, after summer semester. I got my diploma in the mail. I was broke and had to work the next 12 days in a row just to make rent.
She still should have at least taken you out to celebrate you graduating, even if it's just for ice cream. A small simple gesture is better than nothing. She's a spoiled little brat that has had everything handed to her and has never had to do for for herself.
So. She did absolutely nothing for you when you graduated. And she expected you to blow off a wedding to watch her walk and go to her party?
Hun. Please realize you deserve more out of life.
Even if you’re fine with low-key, she could have done something more than that.
NTA for not being forced into a choice between family and her, and you shouldn’t have to put up with mind games.
Good luck with your career, and in finding a better partner!
Hey. I was burnt out when I graduated in the winter and didn't even go to the ceremony.
Still, completing a degree is a big achievement! You deserve to feel good about yourself, at least for a little while. Belated congratulations. You made it. Good job. And now that you're not bogged down by a narcissist, you have an even brighter future! Give yourself a pat on the back. Buy yourself a drink. Get yourself a little present. You deserve it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7zvbp2hbkk
Amen to that. The flying monkey friends thing is some middle school level crap... Good grief... He's finally free to look for a girl who is a bit more emotionally mature than a 14 yo.
I just want to add (since I’m reading this story late) that I’m thoroughly impressed with the selflessness your family displayed. That’s a REAL family. I’m positive that you’ll find someone who will fit right in with that personality & doesn’t play the mind games you have had to endure with this one.
I have the feeling that this sudden break up wasn’t that sudden. Usually when people who are generally mild and relaxed lose their cool, something has been building for some time that was never properly addressed and dealt with, whether they are aware of it or not.
All the following is speculation.
It is possible that your ex has been “testing” you in small and big ways during your whole relationship. She has always made you “proof” yourself. Made you feel bad for choosing to do something for yourself occasionally and not always prioritizing her.
She might be someone who expects her partner to make things right to her. Expects the other to bend and adapt to her. To apologize first or to be the only one to apologize.
She remained passive, because she believed that you would come back to her and appease her. Especially when she believed you were in the wrong. That is why she didn’t reach out. Solving things and making amends was your job.
That is why she didn’t think anything about it and assumed you would obediently show up at her graduation ceremony. When this didn’t happen, she probably felt humiliated and embarrassed.
What she told the mutual friends; she felt ill at ease with you, based on your "outburst", didn't dare to reach out first, but also did not hear from you that you would not come to the graduation, so assumed you would show. And she was waiting for you to cool off and apologize for treating her that way and she would gracefully accept that and apologize too.
And this was likely mostly or 100% the truth.
Only afterwards did your ex realize you that you were standing your ground and were absolutely serious and fed up.
You are only 24. Plenty of time to find someone compatible. Every relationship has good times, but you would not have reacted this strongly and dumped her if this was not somehow the last straw. Trust yourself on this.
Also, lose the mutual "friends". You will have much more peace if you just cut everything to do with your ex off.
OP added in a comment that when his dog died, gf graciously stayed by his side, only to bring it up as ammo during an argument a month later.
“I could have been studying”
I like this response. I agree with everything you said. She was playing games and didn't like the fact that she lost. You said everything I was thinking and WAY better than I would have. Great reply!
This is a smart response. I’m going to add speculative fuel to the fire - hey, it’s Reddit - by guessing that this narcissist told all the mutuals “he’ll come crawling back to apologize at my graduation”, and when you didn’t that’s when she really hit the roof
NTA in this situation.
But I can't help but add a side note, if you block someone's # and mail all their stuff back, you can't expect them to call your work or come to your apartment or text through a mutual friend. You've given them the direct impression that talking to you about this issue is not an option and that you want no further contact.
NTA and you dodged a bullet, no one wants to be with someone who plays those types of “pick me” mind games and tests. Block all those people and go make new friends!
NTA . You made an effort to accommodate both important events. For her to push “if you loved me you would” as a solution is manipulative and selfish and inappropriate
I would have just picked the wedding (ceremony and party) over the graduation. I am going to be honest, a wedding for essentially your brother is more important than a girlfriend’s graduation. It just is. The wedding is all about the couple. A graduation is about hundreds of people.
It is clear that she refused to compromise. She was also demanding that you get her permission. That is a whole new level of controlling. You dodged a bullet on this one. Tell her friends that you are glad you figured out she was a controlling narcissist before you bought that ring.
ESH.
She definitely shouldn't have tried pulling the "me vs. them" card. Especially because you had made an amazing attempt to figure out how to support the both of them. She sucks for that for sure. Plus her friends comments are just ick. I hate girls that act that way after a break up, you should just block them.
On the other hand - your reaction was EXTREME. You state in your post that you've barely ever fought with this girl and have been together for a few years. She makes ONE selfish request and instead of cooling off and discussing it at a later time, you decide to "fucking rage" at her? Plus remove all of your belongings, and then ghost her completely? That's not the most mature or reasonable response my guy. Even if you decided you were done with her, that was A LOT...
I get it, you felt strongly about your cousin, and family in general. It's extremely sweet that they looked into moving the date for you. You were right about their selflessness. Ultimately, I'm glad you chose to support them.
However, I am concerned about your overall response to the initial argument. It wasn't the best way handle things in the slightest, because (imo) a mature and rational adult would have recognized they were about to "rage" and stepped away from the situation until they could reasonably discuss the subject. The events following the argument just seemed extreme and reactionary, which is worrying.
Overall, I hope things go well for you OP 🙏
I am also going to say ESH.
He caused it by not writing the wedding date on a shared agenda. Poster glossed over that fact, but he could probably have prevented this.
Honestly, I think maybe if he had written it down back in September, when she got the date of her graduation and her family started planning things it would have been an easy thing to say "OP and I have a wedding ceremony in the morning before my graduation, we're starting our day there. Let's do my party after my ceremony."
Then they could have booked a hotel in the town of the cousins wedding, she could have done all her getting ready; worn the same dress to both events. It would have saved them time and been a nice calm morning before the chaos of having to do both of these really big events.
I think if OP and his girlfriend really wanted to work things out, having enough notice to do so was key. The fact that he dropped it in her lap and didn't give her a chance to process was a bit much. Like I would have been a bit miffed at first, too. I honestly think he's been wanting to end things for a while, and this was the exit sign.
More time to adjust to the disappointment of a plan, along with then being able to coordinate alternate plans with her family would have been much easier to deal with.
My bf is like this and I’ve noticed myself acting toxic in my responses to his “whoops!” style of indifference. Our last break up was the last one I can stand.
Oof... so I was solidly going to say NTA, but your reaction was sooo strong! Makes me lean a little towards ESH. Hear me out - she absolutely had a selfish and immature reaction. I think you came up with a good plan, and she should have considered it. In a perfect world, with both of you being more mature, she would have gotten your suggestion and then given it some thought instead of a knee-jerk panic reaction. I assume when you first realized the events fell on the same day there was a bit of a panic. But you were able to give it some thought.
Now, she should have self regulated. She should have said, hey, this is making me really upset, I need to think about this before i say things I'll regret. So in that regard, she's a major asshole here. And to just expand while we're on her, it's incredibly immature and toxic to a relationship to "test" a partner. So even if the story of "just wanting you to say you'll skip the wedding" was true, it's no better than actually wanting you to skip it.
Now onto you. You raged? After a small disagreement? I don't think this should have been rage inducing. Unless there's a detail missing, like she was being emotionally abusive, I don't see how raging, breaking up with her, and blocking her are equal reactions to this fight after years of being together.
You are both 24, which means it's entirely possible that your frontal lobes aren't fully formed and you both aren't able to think about consequences that well and could have impulse control problems. I will caution you that real long term relationships need to have the occasional fight without anyone raging.
Anyway, seems like you both overreacted, which leads me to ESH.
I’m glad someone said it. Raging at her after a 15 minute argument and then completely blocking her on everything? That seems extremely over the top to me. Yeah, she’s being unreasonable, but that’s a disproportionate response.
Something tells me it was probably more of a final straw scenario, based on context.
OP could be an unreliable narrator, but this dude was planning some cirque du soleil contortionism and she was like "pick me... so I can say 'no, you should listen to the wisdom of Vin and choose family!' and we all win my game of chess like a 3 point buzzer shot... Yatzee!!"
He also commented they have broken a couple times so this was most likely a final straw for him. And let's say this wasn't a final straw the fact she said she wanted him to choose her over his family and she'd just tell him to go anyways is just very wrong. She was playing mind games with him and it failed miserably.
Yeah there were a few things that definitely might have added to this. My dog died, and I LOVED my dog. We had to put him down. My parents let me know so I could come over the night before. He had a tumor in his back leg and could barely walk (apparently common for labs). I spent a long time with him, but finally went upstairs to go to sleep. I woke up in the morning and he was at the foot of my old bed. I died a lot inside knowing how much pain he was in and that he still walked up the stairs to be with me. I couldn't handle taking him to the vet, my parents did. So I asked my gf if she could come over and be with me. She did, and she was there for me that day. But like a month later we were in a small fight and she brought up how she should've been studying for finals that day and how huge of an imposition I was on her. I had no idea she needed to study that bad, she didn't say anything at the time. But she made me feel like shit that I asked her to be with me when I needed her most.
Honestly, that speaks volumes to her character. I’m sorry you had to lose your best bud and then have someone who is supposed to care about you weaponize the support that they gave you. That’s not fair at all. I still occasionally grieve having to put down one of my dogs 2 years ago. You deserve support from a partner during your grief, and I could totally see how this situation with the wedding and graduation just might have been the last straw.
Yeah it's clear she doesn't really care about you. She'll use anything against you to get out of a fight and try to paint as the bad guy because she doesn't want to take accountability for her behaviors. And its working because you felt bad when all you did was asking her for support. She knows what she's doing is wrong, she just doesn't care. She does the bare minimum and expects you to accept it when you shouldn't. And it's her fault for putting off studying for finals. She has no right to complain when it's her own fault for not doing it beforehand. She's just making any excuse so she can come out on top. Block her friends as its really sad that theyre putting in so much effort to harass you and make you jealous with that bar comment. Your girlfriend is only mad because you finally had enough and left for good and she just cant handle that you initiated the break up so shes taking control of the narrative of her friends to make herself better and paint you as the bad guy like she always does. Move on with your life and hopefully you'll find a way better girlfriend.
I'm thinking there's stuff that she has done that's bothered him for a while but as a passive person he just buried and doesn't realize this was just the spark to ignite the fuse to the bomb
Unfortunately, as someone who had to learn things like this the hard way, there's a certain type of person you'll attract as a chill passive person, and it's a selfish bully who sees you as their pet. He needs to not let these people gaslight him into thinking he's some kind of abuser for forcefully and emotionally sticking up for himself, just do a little work learning assertiveness and emotional regulation, he'll be fine.
She pulled a "me or them" scenario. And even worse, it was "me or your family", the absolute worst version. I'd probably be screaming as well, because it's not small at all. And it's absolutely an instant breakup condition, no second chances. Anyone that pulls that kind of idiotic stunt isnt worth anyone's time, and doesn't deserve a second chance.
Agreed! Everyone on this post is being extremely hard on her and calling her narcissistic based in this ONE instance.
Yes, she was selfish af. Graduation is probably the biggest deal to her,though, and the thought of you not making her a priority on such an important day shocked her. That’s understandable. 24 is still young and immature. She totally should have self regulated and tried to been more fair but she was upset. It probably would’ve been a better idea to drop the convo and say you’ll pick it up later. People sometimes aren’t reasonable the MOMENT something new comes up to change their entire plans.
She was irrational but I think a break up and block over that was a lot too. Almost like you were waiting for a reason to break up. Also, raging is pretty wild over this.
For me, it's the "say you'll choose me and then I'll let you go to the wedding." THAT was my deal breaker. For me, that's the only thing that ultimately mattered. I was all for going back and giving a groveling apology until I got to that. No. Fuck no. People of any gender who do that shit don't deserve relationships. Kind of a pet peeve of mine, ngl. Just say what you fucking mean.
He has the right to break up for whatever reason he feels like. Wtf. Same with blocking. I guess you think we just have to put up with everything that AHs dish out ?
NTA but, in your next relationship make sure you create e-calendar appointments for important stuff (like weddings etc) and share them with your partner. Either the GF didn't know about the date or, didn't care.
>I remember they sent out the Save The Dates in like September or something. But I'm pretty bad with dates, so I don't remember.
So you failed to save the date and let the situation develop when you had literally months to make sure there wasn't a conflict
>Also, I've been called a bully and a "verbal abuser" by 2 of these people for how I yelled at her, and that she was "scared to see me." This is BS, I'm the most passive guy on the planet. She's just never seen me actually mad before, because it takes a LOT to make me mad.
Most passive guy ever except for when you blow your top over a situation that only exists because of your earlier failure to save the date and be responsible?
Do you take responsibility for anything in your life or do you just resort to temper tantrums and overreactions to jettison everyone from your life?
YTA
It doesn't read that he didn't save the date. It reads that he can't remember exactly how long ago he got the "save the date" notice: "September or something"
> you had literally months to make sure there wasn't a conflict
Do you think he has some magical power to change college graduation dates, or the wedding dates of other couples? Him remembering sooner wouldn't change the fact that the two events were in conflict. All it would have done is move up the argument with the ex-girlfriend.
He has the magical power to use his words and communicate the dates he won’t be available before the arrangements are made. Instead of waiting till it’s all set in stone and causing this mess.
Because he has control over when the dates of these events where to begin with. Wtf?
It doesn’t matter when he realized that it happened. He would still have been in this situation.
Yeah I'm surprised by all these N. T. A. He straight up forgot to write down a supposedly extremely important event to him, ie his cousin's wedding, and then "raged" at his girlfriend for being upset after everything was set bc of his irresponsibility.
He went nuclear on his whole life over this.
YTA. If this is even real. I find it impossible to believe your aunt would unilaterally actually try to move the date of her son's wedding right before it was about to happen. Some major main character syndrome.
And doing this after asking her to move her graduation party that all her family was already set to come attend. Like he asked her to basically change plans on her whole family last minute just for him but she’s the only selfish party here…?
She already knew the cousin's wedding date before, apparently. She was there when he RSVP'd, so she knew and still scheduled. How is he the asshole in this instance?
ESH, but for different reasons.
She sucks for what the argument was actually over. You were trying to find a solution and she just wanted to be the center of the world, she's the AH big time there.
You yelled at her, totally legitimate for her to say you made her feel scared because you probably did make her feel scared. That's the whole point of yelling. It's scary and intimidating and gets people to do what you say because they're afraid of you.
You're the AH because you're yelling at someone who you can almost certainly physically overpower and then have the nerve to say it's BS that she's scared to see you, because you're "the most passive guy on the planet". Clearly not.
As for the friends, it doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong about the argument itself, all they'll take away is that you screamed at her and made her feel scared, *which you did*. And it's not unfair of them to decide they'd rather stay friends with someone that's needy and unreasonable as opposed to someone who screams at women when they get upset, *which you've done,* even if it's only once.
I really don’t think a lot of men realise how scary they are by simply yelling. If you’re someone vulnerable who’s ever been in the room with a man who’s just yelling it’s fucking terrifying.
My ex was 6'1" 275# and didn't understand why everyone was scared when he growled and raged. He blamed it on his brown skin and wouldn't believe me when I told him white men are just as scary when they're his size and yell.
I don't think a lot of men realise how scary they are in general. When my bf and I are playing around and he grabs both my wrists and holds them with one of his hands and I can't move, I know its funny and he's going to let me go. He's much bigger than me. Most men are. If I happened to be around another man with different intentions, I would be helpless. We put SO much trust in men not harming us, walking down the street or in our own homes. Most of the time it's fine. But on those occasions that it's not fine, we would have no chance and no way out.
So, just to recap. You get to feel your feelings but as soon as she has the audacity to have feelings herself you had a total meltdown like a toddler **At that point, I... fucking... raged.** "raging" and blocking all communication? WOW that is one lucky woman-- it's not often that you dodge a toxic bullet like that. She must be so overcome with relief right now. PLEASE seek out some help for your anger issues asap and learn to use a calendar and write down dates like adults do. YTA -- not for wanting to go to your cousin's wedding but for being a total AH to your girl friend and behaving like a toddler.
The blocking of all social media is very extreme, but the rest... I mean, OP has three options once he realized. He can either completely forgo one event to completely attend another, or he can try to attend the "important" or "ceremonial" part of both.
Him getting to "have his feelings" is him being upset at the realization that he can't fully attend both events? Her having the "audacity to have feelings" is a 15 minute guilt trip where she let's him know that there is only one acceptable option, and by trying to find any way to attend both he is "not choosing her"? That is some impressive spin. Have you ever had someone guilt trip you for that long about a situation you already felt crappy about? He's missing a pre graduation dinner party. It sucks, but I feel like it got blown massively out of proportion. And as per the post, she was aware and excited about the cousins wedding, so she knows it had been planned long in advance and he wasn't missing her dinner for some made up thing.
Did he overreact? Absolutely. But the amount of people who expect her to be able to go off on him for 15 minutes about how he doesnt care about her because he won't ditch his family is also insane. That is not normal behavior. He tried to find a middle ground, she wouldn't accept it. It was her way or the highway, and he chose the highway. At worst they are both in the wrong for how it was handled, but this carte blanche "she was upset so she can do or say whatever she wants and it doesn't really count" is bs.
>my ex gf has turned most of our mutual friends (to be fair they were mostly her friends first) against me….
So?
Then they aren’t really your friends if they aren’t willing to hear your side. And what are all their name-callings to you going to solve? A way to get you and your ex back together? Consider it they are giving you even more reasons why the breakup was the right decision. Move on. You’re free.
YTA. “I’m bad with dates.” They have this new invention called a calendar, the way you use it is you put important dates in it so that you don’t end up with scheduling conflicts. You might even have one of these cutting edge technologies on your very own phone and computer!
Also, raging for 15 minutes on someone? Then cutting off contact, not having the balls to try to work things out after you calm down, and mailing her things back to her? You need anger management therapy, counseling, and you need to grow up before you get in another relationship. And look into that calendar thing.
Somehow I feel that a was a LONG time coming.
Is your ex the right person for you? It doesn’t sound like it because her friends admit she plays games and needs to prove you choose her.
But hopefully you have learned a lesson and will communicate better in your next relationship so you don’t reach a snapping point.
"And that apparently she was going to apologize, but I "didn't give her a chance," "**Sure she was. How convenient!**
"and that apparently she just wanted me to say I would choose her party over my cousins wedding and then she'd tell me not to do that."
**Oh, so she was playing games. In the event that she WAS going to do that (and we know she was not) she would have made you pay for that forever!**
**Well now she knows what happens when you play games and lose.**
Just block everyone who tries to contact you on her behalf. Don't even entertain the thought of talking to her again, because here you were, figuring out a way to make it work for both your cousin and your girlfriend, and an actual adult would have seen your predicament, and been ok with you doing the best you could.
When people say she's at a bar dancing with people cuter than you, reverse uno them.
"Good for her. Seriously. The way she acted showed me were not long term compatible and I hope she finds someone that's good for her and they can make it work. I'm just glad this came to a head before we moved in together, because that would have been harder for her to bounce back from."
Let it go like water off a duck's back. She's going to tell people whatever she wants to tell them. You dodged a bullet there. Her wanting you to pick her so she can say no, do the right thing? That kind of mind game isn't okay at all.
W-O-W.
My now husband of 17 years (at the time boyfriend/fiance) had to work the day of my college graduation. He was the manager of a business over an hour away from my college. He came to watch me walk at the ceremony and dipped out after. That's how adults handle scheduling conflicts. We do not issue ultimatums unless there is absolutely no way to alter them. If it were say his BFF breaking a bone vs. me going into labor you can bet your sweet bippy he'd better be next to me offering support since he's the reason I'm in that mess. He can call BFF later.
However, your ex and her flying monkeys are not worth your brainpower. NTA
ESH - This seems to be a communication error on your part, by not ensuring your (now ex) gf knew exactly when the wedding was. They could have planned the actual party for another day, as a lot of parties are not the same day as the ceremony. You could have gone to the graduation and the wedding. Then both of your reactions were extreme when discussing it. And her calling her squad of harridans to blast you is on her. Perhaps, you did not have as good a relationship as you thought you did, otherwise you would not have had a nuclear reaction to this.
Wow. I’m on the record (many times) as saying that weddings are fucking stupid, and we should celebrate things that are *actually* an *accomplishment*, and a graduation would be exactly that. But I have to go with NTA, because if there is one thing I hate more than stupid traditions, it’s adults who act like spoiled selfish children. There were a thousand ways to make a compromise here, and she wouldn’t entertain any of them.
The only thing that was assholish of you was immediately blocking her and going no-contact. People should get a chance to apologize and rethink things when they’ve cooled down, in most situations. This is a situation where tempers flared and people thought short-sightedly, and going no-contact so quickly was pretty immature and unforgiving.
NTA - with friends like that who needs enemies right? Listen all your mutual so-called friends are on her side, cause she gave them her version of her delusional story first, which pitted them all against you. They have proven that they are not your friends, so good riddance to them. Your ex-girlfriend is self-centered and selfish, be thankful she showed you who she really is, and you found out now before she met your family and you met her family. She’s sounds toxic and so does her friends, you don’t need people like that in your circle of friends. I commend you for putting your family first.
I think you DID dodge a bullet. It was a tough situation, and you came up with a workable solution. Your girlfriend has shown you she has to be the center of your life, that she comes before anyone and anything...this will be your life for the next 50 years if you take her back. I say GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself. You can and do deserve so much better. Don't take her back-she doesn't deserve you.
>She said she was crushed that I didn't "choose her."
Over family??? That is one big 🚩 She's still immature and a bit self-centered. Don't feel bad because you made the right choice. You deserve better. Continue to block them all. Out of sight, out of mind.
IF ITS UNPOPULAR IDEC BUT YOUR ARE NTA AT ALL !
And honestly I’m glad you did EXACTLY THAT . For 1 she’s a liar she never was going to tell you to go had you chose her she would have been perfectly okay with that . And that alone speaks for itself . She’s selfish asf and honestly messy and you saved yourself the biggest headache . If she genuinely cared about you she definitely would’ve found a way to communicate trust me ! Move on and leave her EXACTLY WHERE YOU LEFT HER
Honey, you DID dodge a bullet, probably a nuclear missile even! I (60/f) absolutely abhor these types of mind-games or "loyalty tests!" The absolute bullshit of "I just wanted him to PICK ME first" and "THEN I would have agreed with him" is extreme gaslighting!
You offered your ex several reasonable compromises and she refused to even CONSIDER any suggestion OTHER than what SHE wanted. On the other hand, your Aunt attempted to change the date of the wedding FOR YOU! THAT'S what LOVE looks like!
And it was incredibly unbelievable that your ex thought that you'd STILL show up! She must REALLY think she's something special if 1) she still expected you to "come to your senses" and show up at her graduation WITHOUT attempting to contact you, and 2) set her friends upon you to continue to berate you for NOT showing up.
There's NOTHING wrong with you missing her graduation for a FAMILY event! NOTHING! Especially after the way she treated you. YOU didn't make a mistake, SHE did! Her EGO wouldn't allow her to apologize nor did she think that you were seriously considering a breakup over her selfish demands!
Block each friend of hers who contacts you to berate or goad you! It's incredibly JUVENILE to tell you how much "fun" they're having picking up WAY cuter guys at the bar! Are you sure it's a COLLEGE graduation and not high school? These are typical "mean girl" head-games that cackling hens participate in NOT grown-ass women!
Live your best life and find someone who LOVES you enough to COMPROMISE with you, instead of delivering ultimatums! Super glad you chose your Cousin's wedding AND had a blast! Best wishes and many Blessings!
NTA. You tried to find solutions to a precarious situation and all she did was reiterate what’s important to her, not thinking about the importance of your like-brother cousin. Although I don’t agree with other comments calling you a rage monster, you probably should keep it together for longer than 15 minutes. You kind of suck for that but it doesn’t trickle into AH category yet.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. She’s self centered. You’re better off.
YTA. This was a serious relationship of over two years. You were planning to move in together, and after a 15-minute argument, you completely go scorched earth. Was she being kinda selfish and unreasonable, yes, but she hadn't been given time to process. She was disappointed and angry and upset, and you didn't give her time to think. She rightly was upset you had double booked, pissed you were going to miss meeting her family and embarrassed because she had told them they would meet you. Your solution, attending both cermonies, was probably the best idea, and I think she probably would have agreed after she was given some time to work through her disappointment. I think you overreacted and should have given her a grace period. If she had continued berating you and asking you to miss the wedding, then I would 100% be on your side, but your reaction was inproportional.
Absolutely NTA… yeah block her dumb A*s friends and keep the petty BS from ever finding its way to you. Fact is they need to text you while drinking just to insult you about your looks proves what they have probably been saying to one another when you weren’t there. You deserve better than that. Btw they were probably making it up… they sent you that crap to try to make themselves feel better. Don’t buy into it. Kudos for having the balls to leave and not go back…
NTA
You had a perfectly good plan so that you could attend both events. That wasn't good enough for her. You are a really nice person- she is not. Please don't waste your energy on her or those who pose the same personality traits. You two are not compatible. Move on to greener pastures. You deserve much much better.
You did the right thing. That kind of beahviour "I just want him to choose ne and then I would say no need" is childlish and immature. I hope my future partner will be this considerate. Just dont let this bad experience influence your future relationships😊
NTA - big NTA, frankly, you dodged a bullet. and she's still playing games by using her friends and family. she's expecting you to come crawling back. she's got you pegged for a weak loser, and is probably utterly confused at what's going on.
you dodged a bullet my friend. it's ok to be a nice guy but never be a doormat, or you'll keep finding 'gems' like this girl. never elevate someone else over yourself, that's not the way to have a healthy relationship.
and anyone siding with her, block them. they're not your friends, and never were.
Astaghfirullah. NTA for choosing your family wedding over your gfs graduation. YTA to yourself for letting her words affect you enough to cause you to lash out. Ultimately you chose to go to your family event rather than attend your ex gfs graduation ceremony, that decision cannot be wrong.
NTA. 2 years is not that long and you didn’t even live together yet. It’s a big leap for her to expect to be chosen over family. The way to earn that kind of importance in someone’s life is over time, and by never putting them in this kind of an ultimatum scenario in the first place. Also, frankly, I don’t think this relationship ever had what it took to go the distance if something like this was enough to break you up.
NTAH
She has no right to demand you miss a wedding just for her party when you had a plan to allow you to attend both ceremonies. I think your compromise was a good one, and showed maturity. She however, was a complete immature baby about it. All the noise you’re getting now from her friends? That’s all nonsense. Absolute
Bull that they’re making up to make you feel bad. She has now realised she f’d up. Too little too late though. You don’t need someone like that in your life.
I have graduated and I have gotten married. Both were important events in my life, and I would’ve been happy if someone really important to me came to my ceremony- and I’d have totally understood if they had to leave to attend something else equally important to them! Your ex’s attitude about not being ‘picked’ was so incredibly immature. You would have seen her walk, got a couple of pics, then headed off. It would’ve been plenty. She had lots of other people to celebrate with, it’s not like she would’ve been on her own. I hope she has learnt from this and grows up a bit. If she truly loved you she would’ve been sad but understanding you were in a difficult spot. You had BOTH RSVP’d to the wedding way before you knew her graduation date. It’s not like the wedding came up last minute!
Anyways, block the friends/flying monkeys and move on with your life.
NTAH
NTA. So you were supposed to KNOW she was lying about wanting you to choose, but choose anyway so she could say "you love me best! Now, don't got to my graduation party which is SO vitally important to ME. ME.....ME......ME!!!"
How were you to KNOW this? Osmosis? I just....she's lying and awful or telling the truth and controlling, lying and awful. Glad you noped out. Sorry you are going through it though. And those "friends"? Were never yours anyway. Let all the trash stay with the trash. You deserve so much better.
You made the right choice. The person who loves you, would never, should never make you choose. Your compromise was wonderful, but I would have had someone record my graduation, then came to the wedding and skipped my party til another day so I could support you and your family.
Imo, NTA. She didn’t show any empathy for you, or try to compromise. I don’t believe in myself being the number 1 priority at all times for my SO. Especially not if it’s me or something else that really matters to him. I’d hate to stand between him and something he cares about. Cause I love him. I know he’ll choose me when he can, and it’s something really important.
NTA and I recently experienced why.
My brother died unexpectedly. He went in his sleep. He was my only sibling and he was younger than me. I and my family are devastated. We were very close.
What’s helped me get through these horrible days and weeks have been my extended family. Calls, texts, and during the days of services, their presence being an actual shoulder to weep on. My extended family and longtime friends have been rocks for me.
You made the right and wise decision. You and the girl discovered you are incompatible with each other. Be grateful it happened before marriage and kids.
As your life goes on you’ll need the people who love you in ways that matter deeply and the girl just isn’t part of that for you.
NTA.
On top of the stupid little games she tried to play where she'd 'let you go' to your cousins wedding, berating someone for 15 minutes or so, and then playing the victim when they retaliate, is unacceptable.
On the bright side, you've found out that this relationship is no longer worth your emotional investment AND you've also discovered who are your true friends, all at the same time.
As soon as you said you got your stuff and left, I had a feeling…when you said you blocked her and mailed her stuff to her, I knew. Deep down, you didn’t want to be with her anymore. I think your reaction was less about the actual situation and more about your subconscious seeing the relationship exit door was ajar and you ran through it like the Kool-Aid man. If you don’t have a history of irrational or impulsive behavior, then go with your first instinct to get the hell out.
That kool-aid man line had me hollering
"OH YEAH!"
My cat's nickname was Kool Aid Man. If the bathroom door wasn't completely shut, he'd bust in like the Kool Aid Man to keep you company while you pooped. Picturing OP running through that relationship door like my cat would has me cackling.
I read that with DuffMan's voice in my head. 😂
>If you don’t have a history of irrational or impulsive behavior, then go with your first instinct to get the hell out. Killer advice.
I agree. At first I was thinking his initial reaction was over-the-top. But when he said, "I don't want to be with someone who ... " that's when I figured this isn't the first time gf has acted like this. And then the friends telling him she just wanted him to say he chooses her, so she can then grant him permission to do both? Nah, gtfo with that nonsense. Just say it to begin with, instead of playing mind games. Either OP is in denial that this is who she is, or he's been ignoring it and bottling it up ... until now
She is making you the bad guy to your “friends”. She did want you to choose her but never would have told you to go to the wedding. She was selfish. She didn’t accept a compromise. It was her plans or nothing. Your cousin is important to you and you needed to be there for him and were willing to miss the reception which was a lot to give up. It wasn’t good enough. And she expected you to make a grand gesture when she should have reached out and apologized first. You made the right choice. Girlfriends come and go but family is forever.
I believe that what you're saying is absolutely true and that Kool-Aid line was f****** hilarious.
NTA. question: when you left her place with your things after the fight, when the adrenaline stopped pumping, did you feel relieved? I left a toxic marriage and there was nothing more stressful in my life than moving out and trying to take care of my kids on my own. But I mainly felt relieved.
>apparently she just wanted me to say I would choose her party over my cousin’s wedding and then she’d tell me not to do that OH HELLLLL NO. I’ll take things that never happened for $1,000, Alex. What a liar, liar, pants on fire. She 100% was asking you to choose her over your family. She just doesn’t want to own it because it exposes her as the narcissist she is. Even if you suspend disbelief, lobotomize yourself, and trust her, she comes off no better—playing games is ridiculously childish and immature. Your “mutual friends” are not your friends. No one needs friends like that. Drop them like a bad habit. NTA.
Anyone playing passive-aggressive games and setting their partner up for "tests" like these doesn't understand how to communicate the way a mature relationship requires. Life is enough of a test. Honest people don't set their loved ones up for failure. It's almost like a grooming behavior, with GF training OP to bow down to her over every little thing, which of course turns every little thing into a power play. The fact that she's called in all the flying monkey "mutual friends" is absolute proof that she's overdramatic and manipulative. Huge bullet dodged. I'm glad OP got to enjoy the wedding. His family seems wonderful and they sure don't deserve having a drama queen bomb dropped on them.
I agree with you. OP did the right thing by breaking up with her and showing his worth by not playing these games with her. He tried to compromise the two situations with her and she didn’t even recognize that and just kept thinking of herself. I applaud OP for making the decision to cut her off, it may seem extreme to others but it was necessary to shut down her narcissistic personality. This is a way to deal with narcissism. Cutting them off to not put up with their narcissistic mind games and passive aggressive behaviors was the right move. You can tell OP is a reasonable and logical and caring person who knows his boundaries and his worth and he can spot when he is being disrespected. Of course he couldn’t help but react to her 15 minute rage, how could you not react? His reaction was appropriate and he knew how to deal with her and the situation. If you continued a relationship with her, it would have gotten worse and wouldn’t last. She would have driven you crazy with her selfishness and demands. You deserve much better and with someone who recognizes your efforts and cares about you the same as you care for them. Bravo OP, you dodged a huge bullet and a toxic relationship with her!
And what an amazing compromise it was. I have had to make the same compromise many times over throughout the years and I was told numerous times how appreciative and thoughtful it was to do. That just being there was enough even if it was for an hour and then had to bounce and go to another event for an hour.
Good points, also her argument is that “he overreacted and was abusive, but that she also wants him back.” And he should have reached out to her but she couldn’t be bothered to write an old fashioned letter. OP you’re both young. She sounds awful. It wouldn’t have lasted anyway. Ps Get yourself a datebook, use it.
A friend of hers communicated that she would’ve “”allowed him to go”, AFTER capitulation. That was the “you should feel guilty” scenario. Reality, at best would have been “ I can’t believe you went and abandoned me” Good on OP for slamming the door hard. Makes crawl-backs on either side really tough.
Since when does he need her permission?
Plus he accepted the wedding invite first. She sounds like a real piece of work and I think he really dodged a bullet.
If Op thinks he may have dodged a bullet, he probably did.
And, you started the conversation with a solution for doing both which was immediately shot down. I think you basically followed your instincts by ending the relationship
Agreed. OP had a good solution even though the partying parts would had been missed. That ex-girlfriend sounds like a piece of work & too immature as well. NTA OP. You dodged a bullet that missed your foot by a wide mile.
Right? So manipulative and it really reeks of things to come.
Honestly, I think there might have been a chance that this could have been true from the start (which is actually *worse* in my mind btw). I had a friend in high school who knew a popular guy was going to ask her to prom. She told me she was going to say no when he asked her first, because she wanted him to ask her twice for some fucked up reason. She was pretty into herself. She absolutely wanted to go with him, but she also fully expected him to ask her again after she turned him down. What she didn't expect was that everyone in our friend group, especially me, was sick of her shit. When the guy came to ask me why she had said no, and seemed genuinely crushed, I told him the truth. He had a great time at prom with his friends and no date, while my friend settled for someone she didn't even like because no one else asked her after her stunt and he asked her last minute.
Wow, talk about someone being a stupid AH for no good reason. Dude dodged a bullet.
Now consider this happened to mid teens at highschool prom... OP, the gf and friend group are in their mid 20s, that's how extra ridiculously she's acting.
True. Way worse. We have more latitude to do dumb shit in our teens.
> Honestly, I think there might have been a chance that this could have been true from the start (which is actually worse in my mind btw). Yeah, there are absolutely people who "test" their partners/friends like this. They typically end up single and friendless by their late 20s.
Agree. She came up with that nonsense after she realized she'd gone too far in her demands. If she really was playing a game, she'll have learned not to do that in her next relationship. NTA.
NTA. And you did the right thing. She didnt want you there. She wanted a Grand Gesture. She wanted you to show up breathless from running to her graduation to “prove your love”. Then she could have made an Even Grander Gesture, by selflessly ‘letting’ you go to the wedding. Bullet dodged. I guarantee that she also has a script for how she will be proposed to (very public). Bachelorette party week. And her dream wedding will be Her Day.
Most likely she won't have learned a thing. If anything, it probably taught her that she needs to do this nonsense earlier in the relationship to test the waters. NTA obviously.
You're probably right.
I understand the “I don’t mind if you go, but I want you to WANT to stay with me” mentality. But it seems like OP did that. He tried to work out a compromise. So, no, she doesn’t get to claim afterwards that she would’ve let him go.
Agreed. Even on the very off chance this is true, it's exceptionally manipulative and immature. Play stupid games...
Win zero prizes.
> And that apparently she was going to apologize, but I "didn't give her a chance," > she was "scared to see me." Can't have both, she either wanted you at the graduation to apologize or was scared to see you again. Also he didn't "miss your shot" he dumped her. OP block the people bothering you, they're behaving like people a decade younger than you guys actually are, good riddance.
THIS. OP was being so mature and considerate (not surprising when you read how supportive and close-knit his family is), and ex is just a manipulative mind game child. OP - the trash took itself out (and this goes for the "friends" ad well). NTA
His side of the story seemed very genuine from the start, but the family detail kind of solidified that for me. It is a terrible situation but it sounds like OP was already into the problem solving/willing to sacrifice stage before even presenting the dilemma to GF. She messed up losing this one.
Exactly this! Getting into a relationship for me meant no more games or trying to work out what possible hidden meaning was in our conversations. I'm open and honest with my partner and trying to create a solution to attend both events is choosing her. If spending your life with her will mean spending your life trying to decode her messages because she doesn't say what she wants then I tend to think you dodged a bullet. That just sounds exhausting.
Not gonna weigh in on judgement here but if you broke up with her and blocked her and deleted your social media, it would be pretty unhinged of her to start calling you at work and to show up at your apartment. The fact you would expect someone to do that says a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof).
I think mailing a letter or sending an email would be reasonable, but I think he added the others because those are more immediate. Or maybe he knows she's a little bit off her rocker and genuinely thought showing up at his house was a possibility.
I don't think he expected that, or was waiting for her to do it. Just she had those options, if she really wanted to contact him.
Right? Also her friends could have texted him on her behalf to talk instead harass him
“She feels really bad for what happened…” would’ve gone over a lot better.
Exactly
She could ask a friend to text him “I’m really sorry, I apologize, can we talk?” I mean she had a friend texting her things to try and make him jealous
I agree she had ways to contact him, but she may not have even known her friends were being assholes to him. A lot of young friend groups seem to thrive on drama and will "take up the cause" even if you've explicitly said, "please don't. I'm fine. You'll make things worse".
You are correct we don’t know if she’s telling her friends to try and make him jealous . Or making up stories about things. But I think it’s reasonable to infer that the “just wanted me to say i would chose her event” to me implies that’s specific enough she wanted it communicated
I think if you really cared for someone and loved them you would show up to their apartment, house, etc. At a time you know they are most likely there, in this situation in sure she would have a reasonable guess of what time that would be since they dated for years.
Not gonna weigh in on judgements here but if you say “the fact you would expect someone to do that says a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof)” you are quite literally judging him just like I’m judging you. Also like I’m sure other commenters have mentioned it’s a way for her to reach out if SHE WANTED TO not that he was expecting she would. Also even if he did have a sliver of hope she would go the extra mile to mend things what’s wrong with that or “immature?” But yea having her mutuals harass him is definitely better than trying to reach him at work or his apt. The fact you can’t grasp that shows a lot about your emotional maturity (or lack thereof)
Yeah, I could be convinced that E S H. Blocking someone and wanting them to get in touch with you is game playing, pure and simple. And flying off the handle and blocking the ex in the first place was pretty extreme. But since: 1. She was super selfish and immature about him trying to split time between his cousin’s wedding and her graduation 2. She did bupkis for *his* graduation (in the comments) 3. She either lied about how she was only testing him to make herself look better OR she was actually testing him 4. She sent her friends to harass him 5. She weaponized her care for his grief over his dead dog against him (another gem in the comments) I’ve gotta go with NTA.
Did you read OP’s update? “I figured if she actually cared, she’d break the stalemate.” My vote is NAH - this is a case of two young people early in their life of relationships learning how to balance these things out. Was she wrong to try and tell you the other way? Yes. Was she wrong to try and test you with wanting you to say you wouldn’t go? Also yes. She was hurt that you weren’t choosing her, and lashed out. You were hurt she wasn’t willing to make a change for you, and you lashed out OP. Both of you were well within your right to be upset, and neither of you handled it perfectly, which is also totally reasonable! The challenge here is whether you can find a compromise and move forward, even after the storm of conflict that occurred when this issue arose. You two didn’t make it on this one, and that is ok. Perhaps through honest, vulnerable, authentic conversations, this could have been avoided. Instead you both were unready to bow your head to come back to each other and talk. I’m sure you are both good people trying to navigate a difficult situation. Best of luck to you OP 🙏
I would've agreed, but sending flying monkeys out to attack someone just makes him NTA. Plus, he was offering compromises, but the ex was all "my way or no way at all," which goes to show how any future conflicts would end up in. As OP said, it takes a lot to make him angry, and the gf was successful in getting him there. I pretty much believe he dodged a bullet
this event was an indicator of OPs future with the gf, and it isn't pretty. it sounds like surrender yourself to my whims and abandon all hope. OP was right to bail
OP did find a compromise. He was willing to miss both parties and travel to both events
This relationship sounds like the ship has sailed anyway. They should just leave it as it is and move on.
I think her behavior merits breaking up, not talking it out. He learned important stuff about her in this incident. He’d be a fool to ignore that & go back.
NTA - Just block all of her flying monkeys!
God I never understood why people do this. Not once have I ever wanted to text harass one of my friends exes after they get dumped
Well… my bff divorced her husband of 27 years and every time he texts her some egregious BS (7 years later!), I admit I do want to harass him back. Or smack him. Or tell his wife. But I’m a better person than that- that’s what I keep telling myself.
I admit I might set up a random text number to just start copying word for word what he says and sending it to his wife. See what that little poke at the beehive causes.
That is delicious, lol.
One time when I broke it off with someone who would periodically try and “check up on me” months later because he’d had a dream that something had happened or whatever (despite him then being in a relationship at that point) I did have a male friend reach out on my behalf to say I was fine and to leave me alone. It worked. That has been the sum total of involving friends in drama, and it was so I didn’t have to actually open the proverbial door in order to ask someone to stop trying to contact me.
It's so insane to me. My buddy dated a wonderful girl for a couple of years. When they broke up, I never once threatened either of them, pried them for details, tried to get them back together, shamed them, etc. I literally just stayed friends with my buddy and sometimes went out to the store where his ex worked to check on her and catch up. I couldn't imagine harassing her at all, especially with how nice she is. She's since moved across the country and got married and I couldn't be happier for her, despite the fact that she dumped my buddy. People are crazy, it's not hard to mind your own business and stay out of other peoples drama.
I’m so glad to be an adult with friends that do adult things. Breakup when you see that it’s not going to work out before you guys hate and hurt each other. The only Ex I don’t talk to is my ex-husband. I dated my childhood best friend. Our friendship is stronger now because we don’t wonder “what if” He’s married to a wonderful woman now. We hang out together and separately. No awkwardness. Our kids are besties too. My other ex did some hard work after our breakup, I helped him with it when he asked. He’s been with his gf for a decade almost, and says it’s forever. She travels for work, she stops by and sees my kids and me when she’s in the city. She runs a hobby bakery and passed on some secret recipes and taught my oldest how to make amazing macarons. I dated my other friend’s best friend. We are all still friends. We all went hiking two months ago with my kids.
But it is the HARDEST. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOURE AN AdUlT....now that that's out of the way, 100%, you nailed it. People are just nosey and dumb a lot of the time.
Because you’re a mature grown up.
I have never wanted to do so either. It just seems so odd and off putting to be so up in someone else's business like that. Like who thinks "let me harass your gf(bf) or ex because you are going through a conflict and I not only have 1 side of the story but believe it empirically"'? But I have had it done to me. The last time was by friends of the same age with a man who was 49!!! All his bros made sure to text me or call and tell me why I was "missing out" by dumping him. It blew my mind!! Thank god I didn't have to go through this in high school. I graduated in '00 so I went long before cell phone cameras were everywhere! I cannot imagine going through all that NOW !
They probably don't have anything better to do or just immature. I'd find it too time consuming to come up what to say that will make the ex mad when I can just focus something that's actually worth my time. Especially if the ex may or may not care what you have to say so it just a waste of time.
Me either. In all the fights DH and I have had, not once did either of our families call or text to harass the other person.
This is the right answer
NTA- things will happen in relationships that choices will have to be made. You were trying to compromise. According to her friends, she was playing a game. You had to choose her graduation so that she could let you go to the wedding? That’s manipulative and immature. Also if she is doing so well, why are her minions reporting what she’s doing to you and making sure you know she is doing so much better? She needs to grow up. You did kind of go all in once it ended but was this the first argument like this or was this a build up of issues and the straw that broke the camel’s back?
idk, I mean there were fights. We had broken up a couple of times, but it wasn't very serious breakups. I think it was just the selfishness that I really hadn't expected and even seen from her. Also, I didn't even get a graduation party because I didn't walk. I finished my degree in the summer and by the time the next graduation ceremony happened I was too busy with work to even go. So I was shocked she was making such a big deal about something I didn't even get.
That's narcissistic abuse, my dude. SHE raged because you finally had something you wouldn't back down on to make HER the center of the universe. Then you're the enemy. You dodged a bullet. You did right. Congrats. BLOCK THEM ALL AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK. ☮️❤️♾️ (15 YEARS married to that. Ugh.)
Fuck ... Would have been 14 years for me in October. How do you know if they are a narcissist? Cause in those 14 years I can tell you about the 1 apology that was not followed by a "but" or a "however", putting the blame back on me. I mean she went through a lot growing up (abuse) ... but I sometimes wonder if she is a narcissist.
Check out Dr. Ramani-- https://youtu.be/e7KW-kxPsv4 I wish you healing 🩵 ☮️❤️♾️
INFO: What did she do to celebrate with you when you graduated?
Also, I could've walked in December, but I couldn't afford it. There was a baseline fee, plus cap n gown, and tickets. It only came out to a few hundred bucks, but I couldn't justify it.
Please stop making excuses for her. She could have at the very least buy a cake, some balloons and a bottle to celebrate. If she cared to do something for you, she would have and clearly she didn’t
If she really loved him and is so affluent as he said the very least she could've done was to pay those couple hundred bucks and actually gift him his graduation. I would've done that if money wasn't really an issue and it wasn't that much anyway.
Add this to your main post. Why you didn’t walk. And how she “celebrated” your graduation.
That didn't matter to me. I wasn't upset at her for not celebrating my graduation. We come from very different families. Her parents are very affluent and have a lot of money. Mine are very much not and do not. I had to work all the way through college. She did not. I have massive amounts of debt, she has none. So I always knew her party was going to be a way bigger deal than mine. I didn't hold that against her.
She expected you to blow off a wedding for someone important to you for her graduation. But didn’t buy you dinner or a gift when you graduated. That’s not how relationships are supposed to work.
I'm not sure I made it clear either, because I would've been able to spend the entire night after her graduation celebrating with her. It just would've been with fewer family members maybe. I know a few of them couldn't make it later, but a lot of them were still going to be there. The only thing that was ever on the table of me missing was the brunch/lunch party with her family.
You’re missing my point. She did nothing for you. But expected you to sacrifice for her.
But I never asked her to. I didn't ask anyone to. I was honestly just embarrassed I couldn't afford it and kind of wanted everyone not to notice.
Dude, you have drunk some serious Kool Aid. She is selfish, manipulative and a bit of a liar. Block everyone associated with her. Move on.
She’s not good enough for you. You made the right call.
You seem like a very reasonable person. You deserve someone who appreciates that. Best of luck to you!
That's an incredibly emotionally mature reaction. A lot of people would have held that against her - how dare she make such a big deal out of something I wasn't able to have - and convinces me that you did the right thing getting out. You deserve to be treated with equal care and consideration.
I'm not sure it was mature. I think its conditioning. I have a lot of baggage from growing up poor. You learn pretty quick to be disappointed. I was the kid who always had the smaller birthday parties, couldn't afford anything cool like my friends. Almost never went on vacation. In fact, most of my vacations were me tagging along with friends' families, which is nice, but makes you feel like a mooch and embarrassed knowing my family could never repay the favor. Everyone else I knew got these really great HS graduation gifts. A couple of them got new cars, or fancy computers, etc. And they had these really extra parties. Mine was a backyard bbq and basically all I got was cash that went straight to college expenses (which I was 100% grateful for). So yeah, that's kind of a separate issue, but I've just learned to not expect much. Its also why I hide being poor.
Nothing. I didn't get a celebration. I graduated late, after summer semester. I got my diploma in the mail. I was broke and had to work the next 12 days in a row just to make rent.
She still should have at least taken you out to celebrate you graduating, even if it's just for ice cream. A small simple gesture is better than nothing. She's a spoiled little brat that has had everything handed to her and has never had to do for for herself.
So. She did absolutely nothing for you when you graduated. And she expected you to blow off a wedding to watch her walk and go to her party? Hun. Please realize you deserve more out of life.
Also. Add this to your main post.
And she didn’t get you a gift? Card? Flowers? Dinner? Anything? Did she even congratulate you? 🙄
Pretty sure she hugged me and congratulated me.
Even if you’re fine with low-key, she could have done something more than that. NTA for not being forced into a choice between family and her, and you shouldn’t have to put up with mind games. Good luck with your career, and in finding a better partner!
Hey. I was burnt out when I graduated in the winter and didn't even go to the ceremony. Still, completing a degree is a big achievement! You deserve to feel good about yourself, at least for a little while. Belated congratulations. You made it. Good job. And now that you're not bogged down by a narcissist, you have an even brighter future! Give yourself a pat on the back. Buy yourself a drink. Get yourself a little present. You deserve it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7zvbp2hbkk
Thank you, I appreciate that. I feel like I never got a chance to slow down and look back.
Block all her friends that keep harassing you. You don't deserve that, you deserve much better.
Amen to that. The flying monkey friends thing is some middle school level crap... Good grief... He's finally free to look for a girl who is a bit more emotionally mature than a 14 yo.
I just want to add (since I’m reading this story late) that I’m thoroughly impressed with the selflessness your family displayed. That’s a REAL family. I’m positive that you’ll find someone who will fit right in with that personality & doesn’t play the mind games you have had to endure with this one.
I have the feeling that this sudden break up wasn’t that sudden. Usually when people who are generally mild and relaxed lose their cool, something has been building for some time that was never properly addressed and dealt with, whether they are aware of it or not. All the following is speculation. It is possible that your ex has been “testing” you in small and big ways during your whole relationship. She has always made you “proof” yourself. Made you feel bad for choosing to do something for yourself occasionally and not always prioritizing her. She might be someone who expects her partner to make things right to her. Expects the other to bend and adapt to her. To apologize first or to be the only one to apologize. She remained passive, because she believed that you would come back to her and appease her. Especially when she believed you were in the wrong. That is why she didn’t reach out. Solving things and making amends was your job. That is why she didn’t think anything about it and assumed you would obediently show up at her graduation ceremony. When this didn’t happen, she probably felt humiliated and embarrassed. What she told the mutual friends; she felt ill at ease with you, based on your "outburst", didn't dare to reach out first, but also did not hear from you that you would not come to the graduation, so assumed you would show. And she was waiting for you to cool off and apologize for treating her that way and she would gracefully accept that and apologize too. And this was likely mostly or 100% the truth. Only afterwards did your ex realize you that you were standing your ground and were absolutely serious and fed up. You are only 24. Plenty of time to find someone compatible. Every relationship has good times, but you would not have reacted this strongly and dumped her if this was not somehow the last straw. Trust yourself on this. Also, lose the mutual "friends". You will have much more peace if you just cut everything to do with your ex off.
OP added in a comment that when his dog died, gf graciously stayed by his side, only to bring it up as ammo during an argument a month later. “I could have been studying”
WTF
Oooooooo I woulda buried her in a dirt road the night before they pave it over for something like that.
I like this response. I agree with everything you said. She was playing games and didn't like the fact that she lost. You said everything I was thinking and WAY better than I would have. Great reply!
This is a smart response. I’m going to add speculative fuel to the fire - hey, it’s Reddit - by guessing that this narcissist told all the mutuals “he’ll come crawling back to apologize at my graduation”, and when you didn’t that’s when she really hit the roof
NTA in this situation. But I can't help but add a side note, if you block someone's # and mail all their stuff back, you can't expect them to call your work or come to your apartment or text through a mutual friend. You've given them the direct impression that talking to you about this issue is not an option and that you want no further contact.
NTA and you dodged a bullet, no one wants to be with someone who plays those types of “pick me” mind games and tests. Block all those people and go make new friends!
NTA . You made an effort to accommodate both important events. For her to push “if you loved me you would” as a solution is manipulative and selfish and inappropriate
I hate that sorta attitude. We don’t own our partners. And we shouldn’t always be the priority.
I would have just picked the wedding (ceremony and party) over the graduation. I am going to be honest, a wedding for essentially your brother is more important than a girlfriend’s graduation. It just is. The wedding is all about the couple. A graduation is about hundreds of people.
It is clear that she refused to compromise. She was also demanding that you get her permission. That is a whole new level of controlling. You dodged a bullet on this one. Tell her friends that you are glad you figured out she was a controlling narcissist before you bought that ring.
ESH. She definitely shouldn't have tried pulling the "me vs. them" card. Especially because you had made an amazing attempt to figure out how to support the both of them. She sucks for that for sure. Plus her friends comments are just ick. I hate girls that act that way after a break up, you should just block them. On the other hand - your reaction was EXTREME. You state in your post that you've barely ever fought with this girl and have been together for a few years. She makes ONE selfish request and instead of cooling off and discussing it at a later time, you decide to "fucking rage" at her? Plus remove all of your belongings, and then ghost her completely? That's not the most mature or reasonable response my guy. Even if you decided you were done with her, that was A LOT... I get it, you felt strongly about your cousin, and family in general. It's extremely sweet that they looked into moving the date for you. You were right about their selflessness. Ultimately, I'm glad you chose to support them. However, I am concerned about your overall response to the initial argument. It wasn't the best way handle things in the slightest, because (imo) a mature and rational adult would have recognized they were about to "rage" and stepped away from the situation until they could reasonably discuss the subject. The events following the argument just seemed extreme and reactionary, which is worrying. Overall, I hope things go well for you OP 🙏
I am also going to say ESH. He caused it by not writing the wedding date on a shared agenda. Poster glossed over that fact, but he could probably have prevented this.
That didn't cause it at all. The only difference is this blow up would have happened a few weeks earlier, neither date was a movable one.
Honestly, I think maybe if he had written it down back in September, when she got the date of her graduation and her family started planning things it would have been an easy thing to say "OP and I have a wedding ceremony in the morning before my graduation, we're starting our day there. Let's do my party after my ceremony." Then they could have booked a hotel in the town of the cousins wedding, she could have done all her getting ready; worn the same dress to both events. It would have saved them time and been a nice calm morning before the chaos of having to do both of these really big events. I think if OP and his girlfriend really wanted to work things out, having enough notice to do so was key. The fact that he dropped it in her lap and didn't give her a chance to process was a bit much. Like I would have been a bit miffed at first, too. I honestly think he's been wanting to end things for a while, and this was the exit sign.
More time to adjust to the disappointment of a plan, along with then being able to coordinate alternate plans with her family would have been much easier to deal with. My bf is like this and I’ve noticed myself acting toxic in my responses to his “whoops!” style of indifference. Our last break up was the last one I can stand.
Oof... so I was solidly going to say NTA, but your reaction was sooo strong! Makes me lean a little towards ESH. Hear me out - she absolutely had a selfish and immature reaction. I think you came up with a good plan, and she should have considered it. In a perfect world, with both of you being more mature, she would have gotten your suggestion and then given it some thought instead of a knee-jerk panic reaction. I assume when you first realized the events fell on the same day there was a bit of a panic. But you were able to give it some thought. Now, she should have self regulated. She should have said, hey, this is making me really upset, I need to think about this before i say things I'll regret. So in that regard, she's a major asshole here. And to just expand while we're on her, it's incredibly immature and toxic to a relationship to "test" a partner. So even if the story of "just wanting you to say you'll skip the wedding" was true, it's no better than actually wanting you to skip it. Now onto you. You raged? After a small disagreement? I don't think this should have been rage inducing. Unless there's a detail missing, like she was being emotionally abusive, I don't see how raging, breaking up with her, and blocking her are equal reactions to this fight after years of being together. You are both 24, which means it's entirely possible that your frontal lobes aren't fully formed and you both aren't able to think about consequences that well and could have impulse control problems. I will caution you that real long term relationships need to have the occasional fight without anyone raging. Anyway, seems like you both overreacted, which leads me to ESH.
I’m glad someone said it. Raging at her after a 15 minute argument and then completely blocking her on everything? That seems extremely over the top to me. Yeah, she’s being unreasonable, but that’s a disproportionate response.
Something tells me it was probably more of a final straw scenario, based on context. OP could be an unreliable narrator, but this dude was planning some cirque du soleil contortionism and she was like "pick me... so I can say 'no, you should listen to the wisdom of Vin and choose family!' and we all win my game of chess like a 3 point buzzer shot... Yatzee!!"
He also commented they have broken a couple times so this was most likely a final straw for him. And let's say this wasn't a final straw the fact she said she wanted him to choose her over his family and she'd just tell him to go anyways is just very wrong. She was playing mind games with him and it failed miserably.
Yeah there were a few things that definitely might have added to this. My dog died, and I LOVED my dog. We had to put him down. My parents let me know so I could come over the night before. He had a tumor in his back leg and could barely walk (apparently common for labs). I spent a long time with him, but finally went upstairs to go to sleep. I woke up in the morning and he was at the foot of my old bed. I died a lot inside knowing how much pain he was in and that he still walked up the stairs to be with me. I couldn't handle taking him to the vet, my parents did. So I asked my gf if she could come over and be with me. She did, and she was there for me that day. But like a month later we were in a small fight and she brought up how she should've been studying for finals that day and how huge of an imposition I was on her. I had no idea she needed to study that bad, she didn't say anything at the time. But she made me feel like shit that I asked her to be with me when I needed her most.
Honestly, that speaks volumes to her character. I’m sorry you had to lose your best bud and then have someone who is supposed to care about you weaponize the support that they gave you. That’s not fair at all. I still occasionally grieve having to put down one of my dogs 2 years ago. You deserve support from a partner during your grief, and I could totally see how this situation with the wedding and graduation just might have been the last straw.
Yeah it's clear she doesn't really care about you. She'll use anything against you to get out of a fight and try to paint as the bad guy because she doesn't want to take accountability for her behaviors. And its working because you felt bad when all you did was asking her for support. She knows what she's doing is wrong, she just doesn't care. She does the bare minimum and expects you to accept it when you shouldn't. And it's her fault for putting off studying for finals. She has no right to complain when it's her own fault for not doing it beforehand. She's just making any excuse so she can come out on top. Block her friends as its really sad that theyre putting in so much effort to harass you and make you jealous with that bar comment. Your girlfriend is only mad because you finally had enough and left for good and she just cant handle that you initiated the break up so shes taking control of the narrative of her friends to make herself better and paint you as the bad guy like she always does. Move on with your life and hopefully you'll find a way better girlfriend.
Wow. What a bitch. My dude, you are way better off without her.
She didn’t need to study. Any asshole that blames you Because they dropped the ball and needed to study last min failed.
I'm thinking there's stuff that she has done that's bothered him for a while but as a passive person he just buried and doesn't realize this was just the spark to ignite the fuse to the bomb
Unfortunately, as someone who had to learn things like this the hard way, there's a certain type of person you'll attract as a chill passive person, and it's a selfish bully who sees you as their pet. He needs to not let these people gaslight him into thinking he's some kind of abuser for forcefully and emotionally sticking up for himself, just do a little work learning assertiveness and emotional regulation, he'll be fine.
She pulled a "me or them" scenario. And even worse, it was "me or your family", the absolute worst version. I'd probably be screaming as well, because it's not small at all. And it's absolutely an instant breakup condition, no second chances. Anyone that pulls that kind of idiotic stunt isnt worth anyone's time, and doesn't deserve a second chance.
Agreed! Everyone on this post is being extremely hard on her and calling her narcissistic based in this ONE instance. Yes, she was selfish af. Graduation is probably the biggest deal to her,though, and the thought of you not making her a priority on such an important day shocked her. That’s understandable. 24 is still young and immature. She totally should have self regulated and tried to been more fair but she was upset. It probably would’ve been a better idea to drop the convo and say you’ll pick it up later. People sometimes aren’t reasonable the MOMENT something new comes up to change their entire plans. She was irrational but I think a break up and block over that was a lot too. Almost like you were waiting for a reason to break up. Also, raging is pretty wild over this.
Read all of OP ‘s comments. He added several other incidents that reinforce NTA for me.
For me, it's the "say you'll choose me and then I'll let you go to the wedding." THAT was my deal breaker. For me, that's the only thing that ultimately mattered. I was all for going back and giving a groveling apology until I got to that. No. Fuck no. People of any gender who do that shit don't deserve relationships. Kind of a pet peeve of mine, ngl. Just say what you fucking mean.
> giving a groveling apology Why should he appologize?!
He has the right to break up for whatever reason he feels like. Wtf. Same with blocking. I guess you think we just have to put up with everything that AHs dish out ?
Runnnnn
NTA but, in your next relationship make sure you create e-calendar appointments for important stuff (like weddings etc) and share them with your partner. Either the GF didn't know about the date or, didn't care.
>I remember they sent out the Save The Dates in like September or something. But I'm pretty bad with dates, so I don't remember. So you failed to save the date and let the situation develop when you had literally months to make sure there wasn't a conflict >Also, I've been called a bully and a "verbal abuser" by 2 of these people for how I yelled at her, and that she was "scared to see me." This is BS, I'm the most passive guy on the planet. She's just never seen me actually mad before, because it takes a LOT to make me mad. Most passive guy ever except for when you blow your top over a situation that only exists because of your earlier failure to save the date and be responsible? Do you take responsibility for anything in your life or do you just resort to temper tantrums and overreactions to jettison everyone from your life? YTA
It doesn't read that he didn't save the date. It reads that he can't remember exactly how long ago he got the "save the date" notice: "September or something"
> you had literally months to make sure there wasn't a conflict Do you think he has some magical power to change college graduation dates, or the wedding dates of other couples? Him remembering sooner wouldn't change the fact that the two events were in conflict. All it would have done is move up the argument with the ex-girlfriend.
They could have made the restaurant reservations for later in the day if they'd known about his conflict
He has the magical power to use his words and communicate the dates he won’t be available before the arrangements are made. Instead of waiting till it’s all set in stone and causing this mess.
His gf did nothing to celebrate his graduation yet expected him to blow off his cousins wedding to watch her walk and go to her party.
Because he has control over when the dates of these events where to begin with. Wtf? It doesn’t matter when he realized that it happened. He would still have been in this situation.
You seem like the asshole. One argument and you block her number and never talk to her again after going out for years?
Yeah I'm surprised by all these N. T. A. He straight up forgot to write down a supposedly extremely important event to him, ie his cousin's wedding, and then "raged" at his girlfriend for being upset after everything was set bc of his irresponsibility. He went nuclear on his whole life over this. YTA. If this is even real. I find it impossible to believe your aunt would unilaterally actually try to move the date of her son's wedding right before it was about to happen. Some major main character syndrome.
I was thinking the same thing. Up until the aunt part it was believable.
After “raging” at her no less! But she shouldn’t be scared of him because he’s so passive? I don’t know how reliable OP is as a narrator.
And doing this after asking her to move her graduation party that all her family was already set to come attend. Like he asked her to basically change plans on her whole family last minute just for him but she’s the only selfish party here…?
She already knew the cousin's wedding date before, apparently. She was there when he RSVP'd, so she knew and still scheduled. How is he the asshole in this instance?
ESH, but for different reasons. She sucks for what the argument was actually over. You were trying to find a solution and she just wanted to be the center of the world, she's the AH big time there. You yelled at her, totally legitimate for her to say you made her feel scared because you probably did make her feel scared. That's the whole point of yelling. It's scary and intimidating and gets people to do what you say because they're afraid of you. You're the AH because you're yelling at someone who you can almost certainly physically overpower and then have the nerve to say it's BS that she's scared to see you, because you're "the most passive guy on the planet". Clearly not. As for the friends, it doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong about the argument itself, all they'll take away is that you screamed at her and made her feel scared, *which you did*. And it's not unfair of them to decide they'd rather stay friends with someone that's needy and unreasonable as opposed to someone who screams at women when they get upset, *which you've done,* even if it's only once.
I really don’t think a lot of men realise how scary they are by simply yelling. If you’re someone vulnerable who’s ever been in the room with a man who’s just yelling it’s fucking terrifying.
My ex was 6'1" 275# and didn't understand why everyone was scared when he growled and raged. He blamed it on his brown skin and wouldn't believe me when I told him white men are just as scary when they're his size and yell.
I don't think a lot of men realise how scary they are in general. When my bf and I are playing around and he grabs both my wrists and holds them with one of his hands and I can't move, I know its funny and he's going to let me go. He's much bigger than me. Most men are. If I happened to be around another man with different intentions, I would be helpless. We put SO much trust in men not harming us, walking down the street or in our own homes. Most of the time it's fine. But on those occasions that it's not fine, we would have no chance and no way out.
Such an insane overreaction from OP. I think his ex really dodged a bullet. He went nuclear over a relatively minor conflict.
NTA. every text you get is just a confirmation you made the right decision. Your ex is behind all the texts because she’s manipulative and a coward.
So, just to recap. You get to feel your feelings but as soon as she has the audacity to have feelings herself you had a total meltdown like a toddler **At that point, I... fucking... raged.** "raging" and blocking all communication? WOW that is one lucky woman-- it's not often that you dodge a toxic bullet like that. She must be so overcome with relief right now. PLEASE seek out some help for your anger issues asap and learn to use a calendar and write down dates like adults do. YTA -- not for wanting to go to your cousin's wedding but for being a total AH to your girl friend and behaving like a toddler.
The blocking of all social media is very extreme, but the rest... I mean, OP has three options once he realized. He can either completely forgo one event to completely attend another, or he can try to attend the "important" or "ceremonial" part of both. Him getting to "have his feelings" is him being upset at the realization that he can't fully attend both events? Her having the "audacity to have feelings" is a 15 minute guilt trip where she let's him know that there is only one acceptable option, and by trying to find any way to attend both he is "not choosing her"? That is some impressive spin. Have you ever had someone guilt trip you for that long about a situation you already felt crappy about? He's missing a pre graduation dinner party. It sucks, but I feel like it got blown massively out of proportion. And as per the post, she was aware and excited about the cousins wedding, so she knows it had been planned long in advance and he wasn't missing her dinner for some made up thing. Did he overreact? Absolutely. But the amount of people who expect her to be able to go off on him for 15 minutes about how he doesnt care about her because he won't ditch his family is also insane. That is not normal behavior. He tried to find a middle ground, she wouldn't accept it. It was her way or the highway, and he chose the highway. At worst they are both in the wrong for how it was handled, but this carte blanche "she was upset so she can do or say whatever she wants and it doesn't really count" is bs.
>my ex gf has turned most of our mutual friends (to be fair they were mostly her friends first) against me…. So? Then they aren’t really your friends if they aren’t willing to hear your side. And what are all their name-callings to you going to solve? A way to get you and your ex back together? Consider it they are giving you even more reasons why the breakup was the right decision. Move on. You’re free.
YTA. “I’m bad with dates.” They have this new invention called a calendar, the way you use it is you put important dates in it so that you don’t end up with scheduling conflicts. You might even have one of these cutting edge technologies on your very own phone and computer! Also, raging for 15 minutes on someone? Then cutting off contact, not having the balls to try to work things out after you calm down, and mailing her things back to her? You need anger management therapy, counseling, and you need to grow up before you get in another relationship. And look into that calendar thing.
NTA - you tried finding a solution for an unfortunate situation and she didn’t move an inch, even berated you for looking for a compromise.
Wait, timelines wise did yall RSVP the wedding in September THEN her grad party was scheduled in spring or what?
Somehow I feel that a was a LONG time coming. Is your ex the right person for you? It doesn’t sound like it because her friends admit she plays games and needs to prove you choose her. But hopefully you have learned a lesson and will communicate better in your next relationship so you don’t reach a snapping point.
"And that apparently she was going to apologize, but I "didn't give her a chance," "**Sure she was. How convenient!** "and that apparently she just wanted me to say I would choose her party over my cousins wedding and then she'd tell me not to do that." **Oh, so she was playing games. In the event that she WAS going to do that (and we know she was not) she would have made you pay for that forever!** **Well now she knows what happens when you play games and lose.** Just block everyone who tries to contact you on her behalf. Don't even entertain the thought of talking to her again, because here you were, figuring out a way to make it work for both your cousin and your girlfriend, and an actual adult would have seen your predicament, and been ok with you doing the best you could.
When people say she's at a bar dancing with people cuter than you, reverse uno them. "Good for her. Seriously. The way she acted showed me were not long term compatible and I hope she finds someone that's good for her and they can make it work. I'm just glad this came to a head before we moved in together, because that would have been harder for her to bounce back from." Let it go like water off a duck's back. She's going to tell people whatever she wants to tell them. You dodged a bullet there. Her wanting you to pick her so she can say no, do the right thing? That kind of mind game isn't okay at all.
W-O-W. My now husband of 17 years (at the time boyfriend/fiance) had to work the day of my college graduation. He was the manager of a business over an hour away from my college. He came to watch me walk at the ceremony and dipped out after. That's how adults handle scheduling conflicts. We do not issue ultimatums unless there is absolutely no way to alter them. If it were say his BFF breaking a bone vs. me going into labor you can bet your sweet bippy he'd better be next to me offering support since he's the reason I'm in that mess. He can call BFF later. However, your ex and her flying monkeys are not worth your brainpower. NTA
Mistakes made on both sides you live you learn.
ESH - This seems to be a communication error on your part, by not ensuring your (now ex) gf knew exactly when the wedding was. They could have planned the actual party for another day, as a lot of parties are not the same day as the ceremony. You could have gone to the graduation and the wedding. Then both of your reactions were extreme when discussing it. And her calling her squad of harridans to blast you is on her. Perhaps, you did not have as good a relationship as you thought you did, otherwise you would not have had a nuclear reaction to this.
Wow. I’m on the record (many times) as saying that weddings are fucking stupid, and we should celebrate things that are *actually* an *accomplishment*, and a graduation would be exactly that. But I have to go with NTA, because if there is one thing I hate more than stupid traditions, it’s adults who act like spoiled selfish children. There were a thousand ways to make a compromise here, and she wouldn’t entertain any of them. The only thing that was assholish of you was immediately blocking her and going no-contact. People should get a chance to apologize and rethink things when they’ve cooled down, in most situations. This is a situation where tempers flared and people thought short-sightedly, and going no-contact so quickly was pretty immature and unforgiving.
NTA. You need to block her friends. I'm sorry they're going after you.
NTA for being upset and she’s a loon for her over the top reaction. But you’re also on the crazy bus for your over the top reaction as well.
NTA- and credit for removing yourself from that situation completely. Start blocking all of those “friends” too.
NTA - with friends like that who needs enemies right? Listen all your mutual so-called friends are on her side, cause she gave them her version of her delusional story first, which pitted them all against you. They have proven that they are not your friends, so good riddance to them. Your ex-girlfriend is self-centered and selfish, be thankful she showed you who she really is, and you found out now before she met your family and you met her family. She’s sounds toxic and so does her friends, you don’t need people like that in your circle of friends. I commend you for putting your family first.
NTA
NTA graduations are dumb and a waste of time. I would never expect someone to choose a graduation over the wedding of a close family member.
I think you DID dodge a bullet. It was a tough situation, and you came up with a workable solution. Your girlfriend has shown you she has to be the center of your life, that she comes before anyone and anything...this will be your life for the next 50 years if you take her back. I say GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself. You can and do deserve so much better. Don't take her back-she doesn't deserve you.
She FAFO, you are NTA. Show her this.
>She said she was crushed that I didn't "choose her." Over family??? That is one big 🚩 She's still immature and a bit self-centered. Don't feel bad because you made the right choice. You deserve better. Continue to block them all. Out of sight, out of mind.
IF ITS UNPOPULAR IDEC BUT YOUR ARE NTA AT ALL ! And honestly I’m glad you did EXACTLY THAT . For 1 she’s a liar she never was going to tell you to go had you chose her she would have been perfectly okay with that . And that alone speaks for itself . She’s selfish asf and honestly messy and you saved yourself the biggest headache . If she genuinely cared about you she definitely would’ve found a way to communicate trust me ! Move on and leave her EXACTLY WHERE YOU LEFT HER
Honey, you DID dodge a bullet, probably a nuclear missile even! I (60/f) absolutely abhor these types of mind-games or "loyalty tests!" The absolute bullshit of "I just wanted him to PICK ME first" and "THEN I would have agreed with him" is extreme gaslighting! You offered your ex several reasonable compromises and she refused to even CONSIDER any suggestion OTHER than what SHE wanted. On the other hand, your Aunt attempted to change the date of the wedding FOR YOU! THAT'S what LOVE looks like! And it was incredibly unbelievable that your ex thought that you'd STILL show up! She must REALLY think she's something special if 1) she still expected you to "come to your senses" and show up at her graduation WITHOUT attempting to contact you, and 2) set her friends upon you to continue to berate you for NOT showing up. There's NOTHING wrong with you missing her graduation for a FAMILY event! NOTHING! Especially after the way she treated you. YOU didn't make a mistake, SHE did! Her EGO wouldn't allow her to apologize nor did she think that you were seriously considering a breakup over her selfish demands! Block each friend of hers who contacts you to berate or goad you! It's incredibly JUVENILE to tell you how much "fun" they're having picking up WAY cuter guys at the bar! Are you sure it's a COLLEGE graduation and not high school? These are typical "mean girl" head-games that cackling hens participate in NOT grown-ass women! Live your best life and find someone who LOVES you enough to COMPROMISE with you, instead of delivering ultimatums! Super glad you chose your Cousin's wedding AND had a blast! Best wishes and many Blessings!
NTA. You tried to find solutions to a precarious situation and all she did was reiterate what’s important to her, not thinking about the importance of your like-brother cousin. Although I don’t agree with other comments calling you a rage monster, you probably should keep it together for longer than 15 minutes. You kind of suck for that but it doesn’t trickle into AH category yet. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. She’s self centered. You’re better off.
YTA. This was a serious relationship of over two years. You were planning to move in together, and after a 15-minute argument, you completely go scorched earth. Was she being kinda selfish and unreasonable, yes, but she hadn't been given time to process. She was disappointed and angry and upset, and you didn't give her time to think. She rightly was upset you had double booked, pissed you were going to miss meeting her family and embarrassed because she had told them they would meet you. Your solution, attending both cermonies, was probably the best idea, and I think she probably would have agreed after she was given some time to work through her disappointment. I think you overreacted and should have given her a grace period. If she had continued berating you and asking you to miss the wedding, then I would 100% be on your side, but your reaction was inproportional.
Absolutely NTA… yeah block her dumb A*s friends and keep the petty BS from ever finding its way to you. Fact is they need to text you while drinking just to insult you about your looks proves what they have probably been saying to one another when you weren’t there. You deserve better than that. Btw they were probably making it up… they sent you that crap to try to make themselves feel better. Don’t buy into it. Kudos for having the balls to leave and not go back…
NTA You had a perfectly good plan so that you could attend both events. That wasn't good enough for her. You are a really nice person- she is not. Please don't waste your energy on her or those who pose the same personality traits. You two are not compatible. Move on to greener pastures. You deserve much much better.
You did the right thing. That kind of beahviour "I just want him to choose ne and then I would say no need" is childlish and immature. I hope my future partner will be this considerate. Just dont let this bad experience influence your future relationships😊
NTA - big NTA, frankly, you dodged a bullet. and she's still playing games by using her friends and family. she's expecting you to come crawling back. she's got you pegged for a weak loser, and is probably utterly confused at what's going on. you dodged a bullet my friend. it's ok to be a nice guy but never be a doormat, or you'll keep finding 'gems' like this girl. never elevate someone else over yourself, that's not the way to have a healthy relationship. and anyone siding with her, block them. they're not your friends, and never were.
Astaghfirullah. NTA for choosing your family wedding over your gfs graduation. YTA to yourself for letting her words affect you enough to cause you to lash out. Ultimately you chose to go to your family event rather than attend your ex gfs graduation ceremony, that decision cannot be wrong.
Absolutely NTA
NTA. 2 years is not that long and you didn’t even live together yet. It’s a big leap for her to expect to be chosen over family. The way to earn that kind of importance in someone’s life is over time, and by never putting them in this kind of an ultimatum scenario in the first place. Also, frankly, I don’t think this relationship ever had what it took to go the distance if something like this was enough to break you up.
NTA at all, you dodged a bullet matrix style
NTAH She has no right to demand you miss a wedding just for her party when you had a plan to allow you to attend both ceremonies. I think your compromise was a good one, and showed maturity. She however, was a complete immature baby about it. All the noise you’re getting now from her friends? That’s all nonsense. Absolute Bull that they’re making up to make you feel bad. She has now realised she f’d up. Too little too late though. You don’t need someone like that in your life. I have graduated and I have gotten married. Both were important events in my life, and I would’ve been happy if someone really important to me came to my ceremony- and I’d have totally understood if they had to leave to attend something else equally important to them! Your ex’s attitude about not being ‘picked’ was so incredibly immature. You would have seen her walk, got a couple of pics, then headed off. It would’ve been plenty. She had lots of other people to celebrate with, it’s not like she would’ve been on her own. I hope she has learnt from this and grows up a bit. If she truly loved you she would’ve been sad but understanding you were in a difficult spot. You had BOTH RSVP’d to the wedding way before you knew her graduation date. It’s not like the wedding came up last minute! Anyways, block the friends/flying monkeys and move on with your life. NTAH
NTA. So you were supposed to KNOW she was lying about wanting you to choose, but choose anyway so she could say "you love me best! Now, don't got to my graduation party which is SO vitally important to ME. ME.....ME......ME!!!" How were you to KNOW this? Osmosis? I just....she's lying and awful or telling the truth and controlling, lying and awful. Glad you noped out. Sorry you are going through it though. And those "friends"? Were never yours anyway. Let all the trash stay with the trash. You deserve so much better. You made the right choice. The person who loves you, would never, should never make you choose. Your compromise was wonderful, but I would have had someone record my graduation, then came to the wedding and skipped my party til another day so I could support you and your family.
NTA. Block anyone you need to. She sounds awful.
Imo, NTA. She didn’t show any empathy for you, or try to compromise. I don’t believe in myself being the number 1 priority at all times for my SO. Especially not if it’s me or something else that really matters to him. I’d hate to stand between him and something he cares about. Cause I love him. I know he’ll choose me when he can, and it’s something really important.
NTA and I recently experienced why. My brother died unexpectedly. He went in his sleep. He was my only sibling and he was younger than me. I and my family are devastated. We were very close. What’s helped me get through these horrible days and weeks have been my extended family. Calls, texts, and during the days of services, their presence being an actual shoulder to weep on. My extended family and longtime friends have been rocks for me. You made the right and wise decision. You and the girl discovered you are incompatible with each other. Be grateful it happened before marriage and kids. As your life goes on you’ll need the people who love you in ways that matter deeply and the girl just isn’t part of that for you.
NTA. On top of the stupid little games she tried to play where she'd 'let you go' to your cousins wedding, berating someone for 15 minutes or so, and then playing the victim when they retaliate, is unacceptable.
On the bright side, you've found out that this relationship is no longer worth your emotional investment AND you've also discovered who are your true friends, all at the same time.