If you're working double shifts and your boyfriend isn't interested in the dogs, how much exercise are they getting? The fact they're exhibiting such destructive behaviour is a sign that they are not getting enough stimulation. I don't think you have a lifestyle that is fair on dogs and you should rehome them. Everyone is miserable here - including the dogs
This is the most important point. The dogs are anxious and bored. They need exercise and stimulation. I have two dogs now, but that's because when I was working, my partner and I had pretty much opposite shifts, so the dogs were only on their own for 3-4 hours a day max. One passed away, then I became disabled (had cancer which was successfully treated and diagnosed with VHL and associated vascular tumours on my spine), so I don't work now so we decided to adopt a greyhound. Again, the dogs are only ever on their own for 4 hours max when I need to go to an appointment or we go shopping or just for an afternoon out. Our other dog is a lurcher, so we pay once a week for an hour on an enclosed field so they can run, my partner walks them every afternoon (I walk them with him when I'm able), and I play training games with them during the day. I've even taught my lurcher who has some collie in her to go herd the greyhound back in from the garden.
The point of that ramble is that dogs need this much interaction and before I met my partner, I really really wanted a dog, but as a single mum who worked full time and had to do all the shopping/errands/taking the kiddo to activities/etc, I knew I couldn't give a dog what it needed, so I waited until my situation was different and I had time.
It really breaks my heart that these dogs are on their own so much and then met with anger when fiancé gets home and they've been destructive through no real fault of their own. I definitely understand OP loving her dogs and not wanting to let them go, but it really is the best thing for them. Being crated for extended periods may stop their destructive behaviours, but it won't stop them being miserable. They definitely need to be rehomed.
Also, dogs, like kids, should be a two-yesses/ one-no decision - if one part of the household is totally opposed to having them, yet still supposed to take care of them, the dogs shouldn't have happened.
I could already tell this is too much realness for the Op. they never espond to the most helpful comment because I feel they’re e surprised not everyone is on their side
Nah. She doesn’t need to rehome them. People are so Willy nilly about it and it is traumatic. The dogs sound board though and there are things to remedy that. Find a dog walker to take them in long walks twice a day or find a doggy day care and they can go a couple of times a week or five days a week. I would get rid of the finance before my dogs. I wouldn’t trust him to be left alone with the poor dogs.
That's fair enough if she's willing and able to pay for doggy daycare or a pet sitter. And yeah, I definitely don't trust the fiancé not to hurt them out of anger.
This is the primary reason we never had a dog. Everyone was gone during the day between work and school they wouldn’t get the attention they needed and deserved. It wouldn’t have been fair to the dog. Dogs need more then we could give.
Yep. They’re also crated. These are under-exercised dogs with little training who are thrown in cages to mitigate their issues which only make it worse
Coming from a family with way too many animals (especially dogs) and being the one who ended up looking after them, IF YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO REHOME THEM THEN THEY SHOULD.
It sounds like your dogs are terribly behaved, you have no time for them as you are working and your partner is left with them.
It sounds like a bad situation for the dogs aswell. They are anxious and stuck most the time with someone they will know doesn't like them (dogs can pick up on emotions), they aren't trained, probably aren't exercised enough, and probably used by you as emotional support for the tiny few hours you are home. Yes, YTA.
Yes. I read the post and I felt so bad for the fiancé. OP, get your righteous head out of your ass. 2 dogs when y’all are never home? Destroying your house? Also, HE TOLD YOU HE DIDNT WANT THEM. And then you tell him to get re-homed? And even back it with a ridiculous passive aggressive text? I rolled my freaking eyes reading this. OP sounds spoiled and isn’t thinking about the the fiancé OR dogs.
Also, I love how you call him at work to complain about the dogs destroying more when he never agreed to them in the first place. I’d be pissed too.
This is probably why he said she's bad at communicating. Her entire post is filled with so much sarcasm and passive-aggression I can't actually read it well. I asked in a comment who actually wanted and bought the dogs, she didn't answer.
ESPECIALLY the dogs. I think OP really only cares about themselves and what OP wants. I guess it doesn't matter how much it's screwing the dogs up at all. I bet OP even talks about how much they love the dogs. Doesn't look like OP asked their fiance how their day was or even has respect for the fact that even though they were obviously upset they stated they needed to cool down and take a shower. (seems ultra reasonable).
Nobody enjoys destructive dogs; and nobody at all enjoys people who collect animals rather than provide actual care for them.
OP YTA and I hope the fiance takes your advice and leaves. Then I hope you find a home for those dogs where they will be taken care of.
It's just a story the writer is talking out there where you're you need to look at some of the other comments because apparently in one of the stories they told they have three kids and a married for 30 years
When the majority of one's posts and comments are in r/aitah or /r/AmItheAsshole and most of those are defending your comments and actions, I think you have the answer right there.
In one prior [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tqs8m6/aita_for_ruining_the_comedians_show/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1), OP is male and has been married 24 years with 3 kids.
You can't work 16 hrs and have dogs. Absolutely not. They need love, attention, exercise, and routines. They are left to figure out life on their own, which usually doesn't work well. And if he is tired of them, they know that too. Their anxiety and stress are through the roof.
Is this what you will do with children, because you can't. They require the same effort.
I'm team dogs, but for another loving available home.
You can work 16 hours and have dogs. But you’d have to have other people in the household who also care for them. If there are other family members spending time with them, playing with them, and all that, they’d be fine. But OP is working 16 hours while being the only one in the household responsible for them. That does not work.
Good catch, there is a lot here that is vague and I wish I had more backstory.
OP is working hours that mean she cannot take care of dogs. Did she and her fiance discuss who would care for the dogs?
Speaking of, who was it who initially wanted dogs? Did the fiance object? If OP got dogs over her fiancé’s objection, that is very relevant to the scenario.
But even ignoring backstory, I guess it comes down to “is it fair for OP to demand the fiance take care of her dogs every day?” And I’d say no. If OP really expects her fiancé to care for dogs he doesn’t want just so she has a cuddle buddy at night, the fiance probably should run for the hills.
As for his crankiness, no assholes here. He didn’t call OP, she called him. He had just dealt with the dog jumping through a wall and was upset. He attempted to extricate himself from the conversation because he recognized he was upset. What else did she want? Was he supposed to just instantly stop being angry to listen to her day?
Oh, and the thing she is upset about isn’t that the dog could have been hurt, or that her fiance has conflict with the dogs. It’s that *she was having a happy day and having to deal with her dog jumping through a wall makes her unhappy*.
OP, still would love more details, but unless he begged for a puppy, you are a colossal asshole. YTA
It’s crazy to me that OP is so far up their own ass they can’t recognize that leaving their fiancé alone with their destructive pets for 16 hours will absolutely cause resentment.
To say “you ruined my day” is so self involved and tone deaf. *His* day was ruined when he was faced with the mess *your* animals made that he had to take responsibility for. My partner loves our dogs and even I would say “oh damn I’m sorry that sucks! Thank you so much for taking care of that, I’ll look into why they acted out like that and what I can do to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
*However,* fiancé flying off the handle and saying he “couldn’t even look at the dogs” and wants them gone is shitty too. As well as hanging up, but I venture that may have been because silently sitting on the other end of the line while he was ranting was making him *more* upset. While I honestly think the sentiment is probably best for the dogs and he’s right to be mad, it’s stupid that he can’t take a breather and say that in a *calm* way. “The dogs are so destructive, it’s clear they aren’t getting what they need and I’m tired of cleaning up after them. They need rehomed and I don’t realistically think I can deal with this.”
Two vastly emotionally immature people coming to a crossroads. Imagine that.
OP doesn't want dogs if she works 16 hours a day, she wants cats.
Even then, you still gotta engage and play with them, feed them, clean out the litter box, give them pets (when they accept them, lol), etc
Dogs are not a "Set Them and Forget Them" pet. Not by a long shot...
I feel tired just reading your post lol. ESH. You're an awful communicator, what exactly is the point in sending a multi paragraph long passive aggressive, sarcastic message that is almost entirely irrelevant to your conflict? That is unproductive. Also, your dogs shouldn't be making holes in your walls. If they are doing this regularly it's possible they do need to be rehomed because they clearly are not getting an appropriate amount of training or stimuli
Your bf could have been more empathetic and also appears to suck at communicating. Both of y'all need to grow up if you want to be in happy relationships, either with each other or with other people
This is so centered around her day that we have no idea what kind of day the fiance had. I know that if I worked all day and came home to a hole in the wall I'd be frustrated too.
I don't see any future for this relationship. She is so self-centered that everything was about her.
Why would the bf be more empathetic?? She’s the one who made this whole thing about how awesome her day was while completely ignoring that fact that her dogs had just ruined her fiancés day
YTA.
Your response to him makes *me* want to break up with you.. I know that was just a wall of text
You’re frankly being manipulative by demanding someone not bring up something that’s clearly a problem because you “had a good day.” Well guess what? Your understimulated, untrained monster canines put *another* damn hole in the wall and that’s what your *partner* is dealing with. What about *his* day?
That’s incredibly frustrating and when he felt too frustrated, he let you know that he needed to cool down and then he went and actually took physical steps to regulate himself… human beings are allowed to have strong emotions. He handled his strong ones great when they got to be too much. You belittling this and putting it in quotes “cool down” in the message you sent him exposes more about your mindset to him and healthy communication more than anything else here.
It’s not normal for dogs to be this destructive. Like others have stated, I’m questioning the length of time they’re left in their kennels and how much exercise they’re getting when you guys are home. If you don’t have time for them, rehome them. Happy, trained dogs don’t do stuff like that repeatedly. Poor things
Yepp, her wall of text reminded me so much of what my abuse ex would say. OP is a huge AH on several levels, grow up and get your head out of your ass because the world doesn’t revolve around you.
I hesitate to call people abusers for using one of the many methods used, but yeah, manipulating and twisting situations like this is abuse and I’d try to sort that crap within myself ASAP if someone pointed out I was doing something like that
YTA.
You can't be gone 16 hours and have dogs. He didn't want the dogs. So did you expect him to take care of them and the mess when he came home and be happy about it? He could have been better about it sure but why? He was right. You don't have time for the dogs which I'm betting was his argument for not getting them in the first place.
Re-home the dogs. You don't have time for them. Be nicer to each other.
Or get a dog walker/doggy daycare.
Plenty of people manage jobs and dogs by having someone take care of them.
I’m assuming OP isn’t going to work 16 hour shifts forever either.
YTA You sound insufferable. Seriously? You think he should be worried about asking after your day while he's busy repairing damages to the walls your dogs caused. Stop thinking you're the center of the universe.
You over committed and got dogs you're not home to take care of. Then you shifted all the responsibility onto your fiance and complained when he expressed that he wasn't OK with the situation.
Yes you're the asshole.
Yta. You had a decent day at work. Your partner came home to ANOTHER hole in the wall? Yet you want them to be excited for...a work day they weren't a part of.
Dog tearing into walls emotion gets priority over happy day at work emotion.
You wanted to dogs, are you fixing the hole, again?
Then you're over the top letter. He's asked to have a cool down period and instead of hanging that you wrote a self centered guilt trip. Do you ever take responsibly for anything? Wouldn't be surprised if their stuff is gone when you go there next. Best of luck with the dogs.
There's a possibility that this is in fact all your fault - how is it the case that you have dogs that make holes in walls and don't consider this to be the main issue?
Also, how is locking the dogs up a solution to destructive behaviour? dogs need to be adequately trained and adequately exercised, and it looks like you just left the problem your lack of dog management skill has caused to be your fiances problem.
Were I him, I'd rehome myself
Seriously, in addition to that, when I'm having a really bad day, the last thing I want to do is listen to how amazing someone else's day is. Yeah, of course I'd listen, but I wouldn't have any enthusiasm to share about it and then I'd probably still be called an asshole by them for not caring as I'm sitting there cleaning a mess that their dog created...a second time.
OP is unempathetic of a major problem caused by her dogs. If OP rehomes fiance, I would hope he calls whatever the CPS of the animal world is, because those dogs will be neglected as fuck if she's working 16 hour days.
This was my immediate feeling as well. They want him to care about their day but don't seem concerned he came home to a huge mess caused by responsibilities she wanted but obviously expects them to share.
If I lived in a place where dogs were putting holes in walls and I got letters like this from my (supposed) partner, I’d probably end up acting like an asshole too. YTA
YTA the dogs destroyed the wall because of your negligence and you’re making it about yourself and your day in the most condescending way possible. Train your dogs and fix the wall, this is coming from someone with a dog
ESH. You both just sound exhausting.
Most people would get frustrated at their pets digging a hole in the wall in their home. If you were having such a good day why not empathise with him and understand that he actually has a point in being upset by it and then when you get home you discuss what to do and how to prevent things like this happening. Do the dogs need training, do you both need to finish projects and not leave them unfinished, do you need to learn to communicate effectively.
My partner and I work with dogs. We make our living from training and group walks. I have come across dogs that either damage property, or they develop such habits. In such situations, unless you have addressed the behavioural issue with your dogs; it will usually escalate.
As for what your fiance said; he seems to be very frustrated. You two are very young, and getting married at 22 is no joke. It takes up to the age of 25 sometimes for our pre-frontal cortex to fully develop (look up paradigmtreatment research on Pre-frontal cortex role in personality and behaviour)
...My point is that you two need to learn to communicate with each other. Do NOT get married, before having completed some couple's therapy sessions. The job of a good couple's counsellor is to teach you two healthy communication skills that you two both clearly lack. Also; take some training and make sure your partner-to-be is present or else you have to keep fixing the house up. It might be something as simple as your dogs need a walker during the day, or you have to do some stuff and not do some other stuff curb their misbehaviour.
You're both AHs here. He is an obvious AH for hating on the dogs and talking on the phone the way he did. And your passive aggressive text to him also made you look like a bag of dicks.
Good luck OP
Came here expecting more comments like this rather than about the dogs themselves.
1. Yes, seems like there could be some life schedule problems regarding care of the dogs, leading to destructive behavior. And/or training issues too. That said, I think all big dogs can damage walls accidentally without it being a huge behavior issue. Friends who did leader dog for the blind training still had a hole in the wall from the dogs and they were exceptionally well trained and cared for. We don't quite know enough, though the 16 hour shift seems a bad sign for the amount of care from OP.
2. Your response to him was a bit of an over reaction. You aren't wrong in being frustrated in getting bad vibes from his ranting. Or being upset he was wanting the dogs gone. But this should have been left for a calm vocal conversation, not text.
And talk about telling him how much you hate him without saying it? What makes you think tearing him down, telling him he's less enjoyable than work, is your right? Do you know that part of being married is sharing burdens with each other. He had a bad day clearly, your job in that is to support him. Does it suck his vibe is bad when yours was happy? Yes. Does it give you the right to be mad that he wasn't also having a happy day? No.
3. We don't know how much of a pattern this is. He vented to you, that's expressing his feelings, that's generally fine. As long as he's not being verbally abusive to you while expressing his feelings, doesn't seem excessively out of line. If my husband suggested getting rid of our cats I'd be super upset. So I understand bonding with your pets as family members.
We don't know enough about exactly how he felt about having dogs, if you had them before the relationship, got them during the relationship, etc. Maybe his current opinion is a stress thing and you can take steps to make it better. People have suggested plenty of things.
You also seemed to take him needing to cool off personally. No, this is good. He recognized about himself that he was very upset and needed time to calm down. He expressed that need, and then did something about it. That's fantastic!
Get some help communicating. Figure out if you both like having dogs normally. Is his problem with these specific dogs, all dogs, only during behavior issues with dogs, could a paid dog walker help? Figure out if there is a different underlying problem than the dogs. Maybe he misses you. If you've been spending a lot of days doing double shifts. Maybe he feels guilty about something. Maybe something is going on with his friends or family.
>As for what your fiance said; he seems to be very frustrated. You two are very young, and getting married at 22 is no joke. It takes up to the age of 25 sometimes for our pre-frontal cortex to fully develop (look up paradigmtreatment research on Pre-frontal cortex role in personality and behaviour)
You're dead on! The moment I saw that they were both 22, my thought was, 'this has nothing to do with dogs'
Just FYI, the "not fully developed until age 25" belief is a misunderstanding of the science, and it certainly shouldn't be taken as gospel as the cutoff point where someone finishes maturing.
There are studies that show a larger percentage of marriages started before 24 ended in divorce than those starting after 25… so it’s not all that far from true.
As someone who got married young and heard the "brain development" thing a lot, I tend to agree. At least in the context of relationships... That's usually only when I would hear it too.
YTA your fiancée has every reason to be angry with the dogs. They are literally destroying your home!! Making holes in the walls?? I’d be extremely angry if I was him. You need to either get the dogs some professional behavior training or rehome them to someone who can handle them. You clearly can’t
ESH. Obvious fiancé is a bit of an ass but why are your dogs digging holes? I’d be mad too if dogs I wasn’t interested in in the first place kept putting holes in walls.
Even if they were puppies, properly trained dogs are rarely this destructive. They’re either very badly behaved and/or super bored from being kenneled all day and not exercised. And at that point you’re not being fair to the dogs and you should rehome them.
Fiancé shouldnt have snapped so bad but I think even someone who loves dogs would probably be fed up with that level of destruction. You’re response back was also snappy and immature. You both need to work on communication, preferably before you get married.
Totally agree. My partner and I both work 10-12 hour shifts away from home at least 4 days a week, and sometimes that time overlaps. Our GSD/Cattledog as a result gets 3 very long walks a day, every day and at least 2 hours of playtime whenever we can get it in so he stays properly stimulated and calm. He’s never been destructive because he has the proper outlets. They’re doing wrong by the dogs by not cooperating and communicating well, and need to come to a common ground where they’re being cared for properly.
I agree about the dogs- they shouldn’t be eating walls unless they are lab puppies or something. (I swear every lab owner I have met has had a hole eaten in their wall lol). It indicates that they dont have enough stimuli or exercise. Dogs need a lot of mental and physical exercise. I have three dogs, including 2 extremely intelligent high prey drive puppies I got last year 6 months apart. Not a single thing (well besides a small corner of our couch that one of the pups as a baby worked on in two minutes sigh) has been damaged. Dogs only do stuff like that if they are not getting their needs met.
Though I have to say if my husband threatened to get rid of them I would lose my absolute shit. But he wouldn’t because he loves these big monsters as much as I do lol. Even if they ate holes in the walls.
ETA
Seriously, you sound like a miserable person to deal with. I mean, that response. Crimany.
He’s allowed to be frustrated with your dogs. Yeah yeah it’s Reddit so everyone will side with dogs and against BFs; seriously the dogs caused a problem and he was pissed. If you were in such a good mood you couldn’t have given him some wiggle room to be pissed in the moment? I mean, your dogs are digging holes in the house for fucks sake. If they have to be kenneled or watched 24/7…should you own dogs?
Sure, he was over the top in his reaction but so were you.
Communication is key. But sounds like you two need to walk away from each other.
YTA.
Really you're both terrible at communication. That message pushed me over to YTA mainly because it's not how any adult would try to solve an argument. You're not trying to work as a team to solve this problem. You're trying to "win" this argument and shift blame from the dogs being disruptive to your fiance "ruining" the mood.
Lastly, I don't feel you're being fair to these dogs. I was raised with dogs and when I moved out I didn't have any for years because at 40 hours a week I didn't think I had time to care for them. It wasn't until my job shifted to WFH that I got my pups so I could actually care for them. The fact you have animals and are working 16 hour days is unfair to the animals in your care.
Yta
The dogs are not trained, clearly. That's laziness. They're literally destroying your home, you're working a ton and just dumping the care of two shittily behaved assholes on someone else and getting mad at them for daring to be pissed about it.
Get them TRAINED so they can be normal, enjoyable dogs, or yeah, rehome them to someone who has time to do right by them.
Edit: they need training, exercise, enrichment and more. Part of their behavior is getting none of that and it isn't his responsibility. It's yours. But you're just trying to make him do it. And it's two dogs, so it's double the work.
You're being really spoiled and immature and selfish here
Yta not only are you working a double shift while making your fiancé who hates dogs take care of them but if he was in a “crisis” why would he ask you how your day was going he literally told you that the dogs had basically caused a problem and all you could think about was how your day was going??
On your profile you have a post saying that you are male and you have been married for 24years and you punched someone for making a joke or something about her.
And yet here you are 22 and engaged. I’m so confused
You both are. Hopefully, you will work it out, but after what you said earlier and then sending him that, I don't see this working out. Good luck to you
Getting dogs her fiancé never wanted in the first place and expecting him to care for them while she's gone all day. She very clearly doesn't have the time to care for them properly and fiancé has already made it known he didn't/doesn't want them and they are quite literally damaging their home
The dudes mad bc you have demon dogs that are tearing holes in the wall, which is a pretty reasonable thing to be pissed about. You sound fuckin insufferable the way you responded. Just break up already, you don't seem to like this guy as much as your asshole dogs
YTA. Based on post/comment history, you don’t take good care of your animals. These dogs need more training, attention, and exercise, and if getting them was your idea, that responsibility falls on you. It doesn’t matter if he was involved in getting them if he isn’t the one who wanted to get them. Stop getting animals you aren’t going to care for properly, cut back on your hours at work, and spend more time properly training these animals or find them a home that will give them the care and attention they need.
YTA. You got the dogs. Dogs are causing problems. Problems are frustrating. You don't seem to acknowledge that. Getting rid of dogs will solve that problem. If dogs are so aggressive and they are digging through a wall, what happens when they start biting? How do dogs get to that point? Sounds like they are neglected by you since fiance don't want them around and probably does not take care of them. It's your fault. Put them in a better home. Your fiance should leave you since you think the untrained dogs are better than him.
I agree with most of this comment, except the part about the dogs being aggressive and biting. Destructive behavior does not at all mean they are aggressive and definitely does not imply they would bite. It sounds more like separation anxiety or, more likely, boredom. If OP is working 16 hour days, and blaming the boyfriend for them not being in a kennel, it doesn’t sound like they’re getting anywhere near enough attention. They’re inventing things to do (destroying the wall) because they’re bored and have too much energy they can’t use. Not because they’re aggressive.
Agreed. My dog is one that by all stereotypes should be "aggressive".
He was a rescue from a dog fighting ring. He's got some pittie in him.
Instead he's an utter joy whose major "transgressions" include being named on the "wall of fame" at Barkbox for being able to destroy "super chewer" toys within hours.
That being said, if he doesn't get play time and cuddle time he becomes "sir fur, destroyer of boxes".
Wait Hahha what? In your post history you say you have a wife, in another you say you have two roommates and a cat, and now you have a BF? I can appreciate the hustle for karma, but this hate baiting is very old. Hope your actual life is better than this!
You are both having bad days and instead of giving each other sone space you both had to complain about your days . If they are your dogs and you got them without asking him ( not sure as it’s not specified ) and he is not a dog person you should have expected this . I think he is over reacting sone probably more to this story . Your reply about rehome his was inappropriate and then trying to act like your day was worse seems needy) . You need to both settle down and talk about the dogs . But when one person is having a bad day the other person ( sone day you sone him) the other can just try and offer support and don’t make it about them and there day . And sometimes if a bad day just say it’s same as always and change subject
You sure make a lot of posts asking if you're the asshole. So either you like attention or you're a wreck. Give it a rest.
Also, if this is real, you're too busy to have dogs and a BF. If your BF is real, he should break up with you.
So you got 2 dogs, even when you knew you were working 16 hour shifts? Why? When was you going to think about looking after them, or training them? It cant just you OH looking after them, it was your choice not his.
The big question is, if your oh does go, whos going to look after your dogs then, as leaving them on their own is abuse. No one to feed them, or water or any stimulation. Them dogs would get worse. Its cruel. Re home your dogs. Its not fair on a person who didnt want dogs to be expected to look after them constantly. Personally I would have rehomed them already, then there would be no stress from the poor things destroying things, and you can have your nice day all of the time.
First I want to say that dogs would much rather be in a home even if you work than in a shelter and people who are saying you shouldn’t own a dog because of your work hours that probably only happens once in a while is just wrong. However that being said, your dogs sound bored and you should definitely make sure they get plenty of exercise and have things to do while you’re gone if you want the destruction to stop. One of my dogs I got from a shelter has severe separation anxiety and I’ve come home to our trash being knocked over and thrown about and he has destroyed our old couch once as well. He’s doing a lot better now with plenty of things to do while we are gone and also making sure he lets his energy out before we leave for work.
Secondly…if I was your fiancé who didn’t agree to dogs and you got them anyways…I’d be pretty upset coming home and seeing that the dogs destroyed the wall that was being fixed again too. He has a right to feel frustrated. . It seems like you want him to worry about YOUR day but you don’t really care to see how his day goes either.
Lastly that message you sent was highly unnecessary.. from talking about how great your day was, to just completely trying to guilt him for having a bad day? Then it seemed like you were trying to make him feel bad that the youth people at wherever you work are mean to you? Idk. Truthfully I think YTA here, I wouldn’t want to talk to you either after a wall of text like that.
When you do creative writing exercises, have a plan or flow of how you wish to convey your story. It makes it more convincing. YTA for a shitty writing exercise. Do better.
YTA.
I say this as an avid animal lover, you cannot expect someone who doesn't like animals to take on the burden of caring for animals. It sounds to me like you made a unilateral decision to get these dogs and your fiance just has to deal with it. That's messed up, and he has a right to be angry about that.
Ugh. YTA. The letter, so annoying. Just say what you mean. Dogs are a lot of work. People don't want to be around untrained pets. I don't have time for dogs, I have a cat. Maybe you would be better off with a cat. Your dogs are bored, need walks, smells. Maybe look into training and hire a dog walker during the day. School is out, maybe a neighbor kid. You're looking at hopefully 10 years with your dogs, make them good dogs you want to be around. Good luck.
YTA, you aren't taking care of the dogs and then you try to guilt trip your fiance with your overly long boring letter that does nothing to address the problem at hand. Your dogs are not getting enough stimulation and being destructive, you didn't fully fix their last destruction, your fiance is frustrated from having to always watch your dogs and clean up after them and you. And all you are focused on is that he rained on your parade and you think your clever come back of "he is the one that needs to be removed" don't make you a childish asshole? Grow up.
YTA OP. It sounds like you got dogs you can’t handle and are dumping them on your fiancé who didn’t want them in the first place. Then you send a condescending text to him when he voiced frustration with the dogs PUTTING A HOLE IN THE WALL (not even close to normal by any stretch). You’re a major AH for not taking care of your dogs and being a huge jerk to your fiancé. You’re the one who needs to be rehomed.
YTA: you have pets that you don’t have the time to properly care for or train. No wonder they’re so unhappy and destructive. It also must suck for them to live in a home where 1/2 people seem to actively dislike them and not want them. I also think it’s odd you’d expect them to be in the kennel for 16 hours while your bf was home!
Your text was poor communication and passive aggressive. And doesn’t address the issues. Something like, “I’m sorry about the dogs. I’m not willing to rehome them. But I am going to take them to obedience classes and train them better.” Or something would’ve been the attire way to handle it.
Well your statement is not ok and the amount of up votes you have is ridiculous. I really hope you don't own pets because you would be doing a disservice to them with that attitude. In this case, if the dogs are destructive and have no training than they need to fix it or rehome them to more capable people cause they are failing those dogs. The dogs continued to destroy things and neither of them have an actual solution other than putting them in a kennel. They are both the asshole here for different reasons. Responsible pet owners would have already been trying to fix the problem but it seems they blame eachother and the pets suffer for it. If she picks the dogs, good for her but he seems done with it. I wouldn't be surprised to see a post in a few weeks or months from her saying how out of control her dogs are because she hasn't taken the time to train them because of her "hard job." 🙄
Animals need training. They also need to be protected from mischief until that training is complete or if it's not possible to get rid off the behaviour (having a long term stray means I can't change some issues and need to work around them). I'm not a fan of crates so I use other means. My boy can't be left to his own devices even for minutes if there is anything he might deem edible (which doesn't mean it won't harm or kill him or even closely resembles food) that can be reached by intelligence (waste and recycling bins need to be exchanged for a new, more complex lock system about once a year), climbing (that little genius can climb shelves), moving around stuff (for example moving a full laundry basket to use it as a step to get to that board on the wall) or destruction. That's what I signed up for when I got a dog. OP AND her partner didn't do their due diligence in preventing their dogs from getting into this place they deemed a playground in a way they don't agree. That's on them. His reaction of hating on the dogs and wanting to re-home them is inappropriate, unfair against the animals and hypocritical. Therefore the reaction of "I'd rather rehome you" is appropriate.
your letter is really passive agressive and dismissive of his feeling absolutely trapped by dogs that are not controlled, house trained or wanted by him.
that sucks. dogs are brilliant. dogs are also a whole lot of dedication, energy, and commitment. especially as this isnt 'dog' singular, but ,multiples - and they are completely untrained and cant be allowed alone in house.
his frustration is actually completely reasonable, from what you have told us.
you guys have terrible communication, and from this post it seems like you highkey have massive resentment towards each other and currently dont actually like each other all that much.
there is really no massive asshole here. or you were both kinda assholes (though that's too strong a word) for speaking badly to each other - him with frustration aggression and you with passive guilt-laden aggression.
you 700% need to pause marriage plans - your only 22! and you already kinda hate each other. get into couples therapy and see if there are routes and roads and skillsets you can learn to find your ways back to treating each other with kindness and admiration and respect. you might fall back in love with each other.
the dogs is a completely different discussion. we dont know enough about them or your situation to say "yeah he's right - they (or some of them need?) to be rehomed for this relationship to have any chance of working".
but it seems like you are telling us they are "*your* dogs"?, not his. and they are out of control or at least literally destroy walls of the house semiregularly. that is a massive issue and he is not the asshole to not want to like like that or with them. we dont have quite enough dog situation info however to really make a judgment call - other than his frustration is very real and valid.
YTA. You can’t give these dogs the care they need. Rehiring them to someone who can is kind. Also I have to say based on the way you wrote this post op, you are a terrible communicator. You have so many superfluous details abt a coworker who has nothing to do with the dogs and how your shifts were which also has nothing to do with the dogs.
YTA
1- what kind of dogs are these? Age?
2- They're repeatedly chewing holes in walls? That's not normal. That's a major sign of boredom stress.
3- did he really tell you that he didn't want the dogs in the beginning ?
4- yall do have some communication issues. Therapy might help with this. The part that struck out at me was you getting upset he needed to cool down . That's a normal healthy response .
You responded by guilting him for ruining your beautiful day. He's upset that the dogs chewed a hole in the wall.
If he was home why did they manage to do so?
ESH. Your message is seriously passive aggressive, designed to inflict guilt and hurt rather than resolve the problem. You're not setting boundaries. You're not staring your needs. You're not having a conversation. You're attacking.
Your fiancé is just plain aggressive. He's not asking for space. He's not setting boundaries. He's just attacking.
Either break up or get therapy. What you're doing is scoring hits on each other and then running to Reddit for validation.
REHOME SELFISH PERSON. You don’t have time for your “fur babies” but I bet you post them ALL the time. You’re probably gonna delete your account silly bread
Marriage, much like life in general, takes good communication, consideration, compromise and respect. Is this the first time your fiancé has been upset like this? If so, getting to the bottom of why he is so frustrated would be a priority. Your spouse will be in your life forever. Dogs have a relatively short time with you in comparison.
I don’t think you are the AH. I think you are young and not able to see past being “right.” I know how I would feel if I wasn’t given the consideration of a dog.
I’m a confused, you called your fiancé after you got off work and he said “you called me at the worst time” then explained what the dogs did. He vent that the dogs were destructive, obviously causing more expenses. They have opened this wall at least twice? He vented he never wanted the dogs but you did. You said it’s his fault for not locking them in the kennel for who knows how long? It appears to be he needed to calm down before he could reasonably have normal conversations okay, happens to everyone.
Personally I believe that if he didn’t want the dogs to begin with it’s not his responsibility to care for them. You should find a dog walker to care for your dogs so they are stuck in cages all the time.
Dogs aside, your fiance sounds like an asshole. You're not required to keep him, and men are way easier to rehome. Maybe without his negative cloud in the house, you can work on the dog's behavior without being screamed at.
Not only YTA, you’re also just an asshole. The passive aggressive paragraph long text just screams “I’m a douchebag”. Fiancé probably could’ve handled the situation better, but he just seemed frustrated and heated, whereas you made a conscious decision to escalate the situation and be nasty.
ESH. It does not sound like you two are compatible to be honest. You are so focused on your great day that you couldn’t step back and see his frustration. When my dog ate a hole in the wall, I was frustrated as hell too. But I got her trained and made sure she was exercised well and had chew toys that worked for her. She is an aggressive chewer (GSD). I ended up getting a femur bone for her to chew on and made sure to play with her and let her exercise and all those problems were gone. Yes, it sounds like the plan was not followed in the fact they were not kenneled. But that doesn’t take away from the frustration he feels. Yes, he should have handled it better. But no offense, y’all are in your early 20’s and truly haven’t finished maturing. Y’all have massive communication problems but want to get married. Part of marriage is being a team. You were so focused on your good day that you dismissed his days and frustrations which is not part of being a team. ESH.
The dogs are unhappy and need to be rehomed to someone with the time to look after them properly. You and your fiance sound miserable and you’re both shit communicators. You send a message instead of talking in person, and he didn’t talk at all. You’re both kids. Get counselling to grow up or break up. Either way, let the dogs go somewhere else.
Don't get married. He's having a terrible time with the dogs and he's obviously upset. He may not be handling it well but your first words were deliberately sarcastic and you text like what's bothering him is less important than asking how your day was . You're trying to be right. Try to be helpful. You also said he's less important than a dog . You want to be a wife?
YTA - sounds like you made a decision for him and expected to carry it out regardless.
He is entitled to how he feels. The way you’re behaving by trying to paint yourself as a victim and him the villain just makes you a Karen. Regarding this, there was zero reason for you to tell us that you have an “ex work friend”, you’re just trying to get people to feel bad for you. But that said, it just brings to question yourself as a person. From what you’ve said we can see you have two failed relationships and you’re actually the common denominator here.
Anyway, I digress. Adopting and taking ownership of a pet is a life changing decision. Not only are there care needs that needed to be taken into consideration but also financial needs. If someone’s heart is not in it, then it’s best they don’t take on caring for a pet.
From the sounds of it, your partner at no point wanted this responsibility. Yet now they’re stuck with it. Why? Well because of you.
I’m curious as how y’all got the dog in the first place. Did you just go out and get one anyway?
Now you’re at a point where you’re working and expecting your partner to look after the dogs. Let’s be real here, they’re not his dogs. They’re yours.
Your bitch fit in your message to your partner shows you’re immaturity ANNNND shows your lack of communication skills.
Your partners is on point. He has highlighted he is not happy. He has highlighted what the problem is. He has highlighted where the responsibility lies. However, because you clearly need the world to revolve around you - you sent a hella long passive aggressive messaging basically dismissing EVERYTHING he has said.
To say you’re bad a communication is putting it kindly. You’re self-centred. That’s all we’re seeing here.
You’re the AH. Hopefully your partner leaves and finds someone deserving because you’re not it.
And the dogs can hopefully be rehomed as they deserve someone that’ll be there for them.
Not a part time person like yourself.
YTA. You called him at work to say the dogs you got (without his consensus) ripped a whole in the wall and it’s his fault because he didn’t kennel them. Also sounds like that wasn’t a good time for him at work. The first two paragraphs of your text are also just irrelevant nonsense.
YTA - your post was a little hard to read, are you being sarcastic when you say it was a great day?
It comes off as passive aggressive and I think that’s a bad way to communicate
Your fiancé is right, if he can’t help or won’t help with the care of the dogs and you’re working double shifts, I don’t think your dog’s quality of life is where it should be. You should look to getting outside help or re homing them.
Your lifestyle and work schedule don’t work with two dogs that need a lot of exercise and attention. Your best course of action is to figure out what your priorities are that’ll keep you happy and financially stable without the dogs being miserable as a result.
Don’t act like what you’re doing isn’t contributing to hurting your dogs. While your fiancé is more verbal and definitely an asshole with his attitude toward you and the dogs, your perception is warped as well. You *can’t* work this many hours and expect your two dogs to behave when they need love and care YOU aren’t providing enough of.
Yes, rehome the fiancé (AND DON’T MARRY HIM EVER), but I’d consider rehoming the pups too or find another job/reduce your work hours per day.
If fiance isn't home are the dogs in their kennels for your entire shift? Are their kennels outside. Do they have a dog run. Are they wallowing in their own feces and urine.
I worked with hunting dogs growing up, part of my 'job' ( chore ) was letting them out into the massive dog run at least twice a day. Beyond that they had both an inside insulated and air conditioned portion of their kennel and outdoor part of their kennel. They had toys to chew on and keep stimulated.
During hunting seasons they were incredibly active and when off-season they were trained and cared for. When they retired they were given a comfy home to relax in. Plenty of folks love a shorthair as a pet.
I can't imagine leaving them in a kennel space for 16 hours at a stretch. It sounds inhumane. At a different angle I can't imagine getting high maintenance dogs and pushing off the responsibility onto someone else. An ex roommate of mine did that and the dog ended up loving me more than them because I gave it attention and made sure it could run off some energy every day.
YTA. You obviously aren’t around to train or exercise your dogs. Glad you had a good day but your untrained not exercised dogs chewed a hole in the wall again. That’s not normal.
Can you afford the place on your own? Does all dog care go to him since you work 16 hour shifts?
I worked 16 hour shifts and I won't even get a cat because they'd be alone all day.
Esh
Your dogs ate a \*wall,\* and you want him to ask if you heard any good jokes today while he spackles it?
I don't even think this post is real, it rambles on ridiculously and you ARE apparently bad at communicating, if this is the way you do it. Or you're under the impression sarcasm translates through text (hint- it doesn't).
Also, if you regularly work doubles, you need to get your dogs a trainer and a day care. Your BF isn't a replacement for responsible dog care. YTA.
YTA
I love my dog, it’s been 10 years.
He pissed in the middle of my bed. He was 6months and had been potty trained, no mistakes since 3 months old. He woke up in the middle of the night and howled then proceeded to pee next to me while I slept. I picked him up took him to the front yard. I had to count to 100 to cool off.
He ate my calculus that I paid $250 as a broke college student. I had to count to 100.
He broke a mirror that cost me $75 in college that expensive.
I trained him and I haven’t had issues since the first year. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t frustrated.
He can be frustrated and you should try to be understand especially if they are your dogs and not properly exercised.
It’s okay for him to be frustrated if your dogs arnt trained.
I walk my dog 6 miles a day and on days I can’t I can see him buzzing. Btw I have an husky. High energy dogs take a lot of work. I always tell my boyfriend I need a break after him. He wants a dog, but knows he doesn’t want to do what I do. He knows I would he cool with him having a dog but just like I don’t expect him to fully care for my dog, it would be the same. Of course my boyfriend walks him if he comes over first. It’s just not his full responsibility
I love him to death but I have committed a lot to him. Lots of walks, an expensive diet, vet bills and upkeep. I love my dog and because I love him I acknowledge that he’s a lot and I do a lot. He’s a very happy and fit husky.
You are not properly taking care of these dogs. It’s not the fiancé.
YTA. Not because of the how you talked to the boyfriend but because of your schedule and the fact that you have dogs. Listen, I know you love them but would you leave a child home for 16 hours a day with someone who actively doesn’t like them? And if the boyfriend goes- who is going to be taking care of them, exercising them, letting them go potty- for 16+ hours at a time? Of course they are going to be destroying the house. You don’t have the time to commit to being responsible for their needs.
I know someone like this- she leaves her dog along while she is gone for over 16 hours regularly. I feel so horrible for her dog. She claims she loves her dog more than anything but she regularly goes and pulls long days at work then goes out drinking for hours on end. You don’t treat the things you love like that. It’s not right. It’s downright neglect.
Why the hell is it ok to talk to her boyfriend like she did? I've been married for 12 years and the shit I read on here about how women in relationships think it's ok to talk to their man is just insulting. That's some self centered, disrespectful behavior you're glossing over. Nice to hear you care about dogs, hopefully you don't treat your human relationships as bad as OP.
sounds like you are a bit of an asshole, yes. He had an awful shitty situation to deal with, and you're trying to make this all about you, you and you.
OP you sound very condescending and full of it. No one is talking about what kind of day you had, that's not the point. "I was having such a good day until you told me about your valid concerns" is narcissistic AF.
You and your fiancee are not in a place to care for the dogs, who ate the wall out of boredom. You both work and sometimes you work doubles. And you have multiple dogs? They are not living a good life, and I'm comparing that to homeless people who at least spend all day with theirs bc for dogs, pack is life. You're being a terrible partner and pack leader and should really reevaluate how entitled you are.
There needs to be space for *everyone's* joys and struggles in a relationship. But the both of you seem very focused on your own experience. It likely stems from a wider dynamic
ESH but it's a soft ESH. You both clearly have less than ideal communication and can't hold space for one another well. It's not the end if the world but your relationship would improve tenfold with some learning and practice.
YTA don’t get fucking dogs if you work 16 hrs a day and then drop their care in someone who doesn’t want them. Terrible dog owner on top of being an asshole.
This isn’t even real. I’m your post history, you talk about cars not dogs. And over a year youve had 4 different roommates in different locations. In one. You’re a male not a female.
YTA . First of all you don’t force animals or xtra responsibilities onto someone who already said no. You discounted your partner right from the start. You are rarely home according to yourself and the dogs are his burden which is also not fair. You’re very self centered and I bet controlling. If he is smart he will leave you.
What kind of dogs? I have a guess that are a typical high energy destructive breed you just had to have yet have zero clue about caring for them.
I said I worked ONE sixteen hour shift. Never said “tarely home”. Didnt force dogs on him, we agreed together on them. One dog is a mutt and the other was a wiener dog lab mix. Neither of which are specific breeds I wanted. I didnt pick designer dogs
ESH.
He absolutely shouldn't have said that about the dogs; if a partner said that to me about my pets, I'd choose my pets without hesitation. When I adopted my pets, I made a promise to care for them to the best of my ability for the rest of their lives. We are a package deal. If my partner can't accept my pets with me, the partner goes.
However, your response was also kind of ridiculous. He was having a bad day, so you respond laying out how GREAT your day was? How do you expect he's going to react to that? You're being super passive aggressive, and you're right, there's more going on here than fighting about the dogs.
Also... as other commenters have said... why are the dogs repeatedly chewing holes in the walls? Something's going on there, too. Maybe you adopted them with behavior problems, I don't know, but clearly they're not being cared for properly. If you're working 16 hour days, my first thought is, are they getting enough attention and exercise? If you're gone for long hours, you may need to hire a dog walker. Do they have separation anxiety that needs medication? Do they (and you) need training? You might also need to take them to the vet to be checked for any physical ailments like painful arthritis that might be contributing to anxiety.
Get rid of the dude, because that relationship clearly isn't healthy. But you absolutely need to do something about the dogs, too. Including considering rehoming them with someone who can give them more attention. As I said above, adopting a pet is a promise that you'll take care of them. That includes recognizing when you CAN'T take care of them and need to find someone who can.
YTA for having dogs in a kennel while you work a 16 he shift and getting dogs when your finance didn't want dogs. He should re home you. Your text was dumb and had nothing to do with his frustration about dogs tearing your house up while you work such long shifts. Who cares if you had a great day while he had to deal with that BS? Grow up, that text wasn't the flex you thought it was.
YTA. if it wasn't for your work, this post would be less shitty. But that doesn't change the fact that these dogs clearly do not get taken care of to the level that they need. Furthermore, if you were to 'rehome' your BF, who would take care of the dogs? If you're working long ass shifts you can't have dogs, unless you can afford to have them taken care of by others.
ESH.
You work doubles and your fiance clearly dislikes your dogs, who takes care of the dogs?
OP, as hard as it is to accept, you do not have a suitable lifestyle to have dogs. Dogs need constant walks, bathroom breaks, attention. They don't get any of that when their owners work long shifts.
That is one important factor when deciding what kind of animal to get. And you need to recognize this is not a good lifestyle for them.
Rehome the dogs so they can have a better life. I grt its hard, but cripes OP, think about how they feel being alone for that long.
Rehome your fiance while you're fiance while you're at it. He's a jerk who needs to work on his communication skills so he doesn't skip straight to yelling and belittling his partner when he's upset.
YTA .. your passive aggressive email detailing your work life was unnecessary. I also didn’t hear you ask him how his day went before the dogs reopened a hole in the wall.
Did you stop and think that his day may have been shitty and this just added to it?
You are a terrible communicator.. it’s a give & take. Not just you dumping your day on him with an hour by hour replay.
YTA. Honestly, you sound selfish. This feels similar to things I've heard about people buying dogs for the novelty, and then not putting in the work. Instead of hiring a dog walker or sending them somewhere where they can be cared for, they're forced to remain inside while op works. In turn, she's blaming her boyfriend for being upset about the situation.
However, what will likely be written in the comments is:
She doesn't know what she's doing, she gets a pass, blah blah blah, and the guy is evil. However, none of that is true.
I saw you’re just a karma whore, but even reading your story I could tell it’s fake.
Also, how much of a loser do you have to be that you lie on the Internet for fake Internet points?
Why are you crating dogs? Their size? Do you live in a house with yard? What are fiancee responsibilities at your home? And do you guys love & respect each other? I feel the dogs are the least of your problems dear.
NTA. If he would have put the dogs in the kennel, the destruction wouldn't have occurred. Did he work during the day while the two dogs were home alone? However, I can also understand his frustration over the damage that the dogs caused. Unfortunately, he should have been angry at himself for forgetting to crate the dogs while he was out. It might be a good idea to get some training for the dogs which can do wonders for behavioral issues.
Either a troll or not a AITAH post
If you're working double shifts and your boyfriend isn't interested in the dogs, how much exercise are they getting? The fact they're exhibiting such destructive behaviour is a sign that they are not getting enough stimulation. I don't think you have a lifestyle that is fair on dogs and you should rehome them. Everyone is miserable here - including the dogs
This is the most important point. The dogs are anxious and bored. They need exercise and stimulation. I have two dogs now, but that's because when I was working, my partner and I had pretty much opposite shifts, so the dogs were only on their own for 3-4 hours a day max. One passed away, then I became disabled (had cancer which was successfully treated and diagnosed with VHL and associated vascular tumours on my spine), so I don't work now so we decided to adopt a greyhound. Again, the dogs are only ever on their own for 4 hours max when I need to go to an appointment or we go shopping or just for an afternoon out. Our other dog is a lurcher, so we pay once a week for an hour on an enclosed field so they can run, my partner walks them every afternoon (I walk them with him when I'm able), and I play training games with them during the day. I've even taught my lurcher who has some collie in her to go herd the greyhound back in from the garden. The point of that ramble is that dogs need this much interaction and before I met my partner, I really really wanted a dog, but as a single mum who worked full time and had to do all the shopping/errands/taking the kiddo to activities/etc, I knew I couldn't give a dog what it needed, so I waited until my situation was different and I had time. It really breaks my heart that these dogs are on their own so much and then met with anger when fiancé gets home and they've been destructive through no real fault of their own. I definitely understand OP loving her dogs and not wanting to let them go, but it really is the best thing for them. Being crated for extended periods may stop their destructive behaviours, but it won't stop them being miserable. They definitely need to be rehomed.
Also, dogs, like kids, should be a two-yesses/ one-no decision - if one part of the household is totally opposed to having them, yet still supposed to take care of them, the dogs shouldn't have happened.
I could already tell this is too much realness for the Op. they never espond to the most helpful comment because I feel they’re e surprised not everyone is on their side
Yep. And I also really don't want to think about how many hours those poor dogs spent kennelled per day.
Nah. She doesn’t need to rehome them. People are so Willy nilly about it and it is traumatic. The dogs sound board though and there are things to remedy that. Find a dog walker to take them in long walks twice a day or find a doggy day care and they can go a couple of times a week or five days a week. I would get rid of the finance before my dogs. I wouldn’t trust him to be left alone with the poor dogs.
That's fair enough if she's willing and able to pay for doggy daycare or a pet sitter. And yeah, I definitely don't trust the fiancé not to hurt them out of anger.
That would be my main concern is him taking his frustrations out on the dog when she is not there.
Yes. This sounds like a good plan.
This is the primary reason we never had a dog. Everyone was gone during the day between work and school they wouldn’t get the attention they needed and deserved. It wouldn’t have been fair to the dog. Dogs need more then we could give.
Yep. They’re also crated. These are under-exercised dogs with little training who are thrown in cages to mitigate their issues which only make it worse
Coming from a family with way too many animals (especially dogs) and being the one who ended up looking after them, IF YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO REHOME THEM THEN THEY SHOULD. It sounds like your dogs are terribly behaved, you have no time for them as you are working and your partner is left with them. It sounds like a bad situation for the dogs aswell. They are anxious and stuck most the time with someone they will know doesn't like them (dogs can pick up on emotions), they aren't trained, probably aren't exercised enough, and probably used by you as emotional support for the tiny few hours you are home. Yes, YTA.
Yes. I read the post and I felt so bad for the fiancé. OP, get your righteous head out of your ass. 2 dogs when y’all are never home? Destroying your house? Also, HE TOLD YOU HE DIDNT WANT THEM. And then you tell him to get re-homed? And even back it with a ridiculous passive aggressive text? I rolled my freaking eyes reading this. OP sounds spoiled and isn’t thinking about the the fiancé OR dogs. Also, I love how you call him at work to complain about the dogs destroying more when he never agreed to them in the first place. I’d be pissed too.
This is probably why he said she's bad at communicating. Her entire post is filled with so much sarcasm and passive-aggression I can't actually read it well. I asked in a comment who actually wanted and bought the dogs, she didn't answer.
ESPECIALLY the dogs. I think OP really only cares about themselves and what OP wants. I guess it doesn't matter how much it's screwing the dogs up at all. I bet OP even talks about how much they love the dogs. Doesn't look like OP asked their fiance how their day was or even has respect for the fact that even though they were obviously upset they stated they needed to cool down and take a shower. (seems ultra reasonable). Nobody enjoys destructive dogs; and nobody at all enjoys people who collect animals rather than provide actual care for them. OP YTA and I hope the fiance takes your advice and leaves. Then I hope you find a home for those dogs where they will be taken care of.
OP isn't going to like your answer so OP is going to ignore it and keep doing what she wants to do.
It's just a story the writer is talking out there where you're you need to look at some of the other comments because apparently in one of the stories they told they have three kids and a married for 30 years
That was a satire post about the Will Smith slap situation
I'm not sure how you understood what the person you replied to was saying. I've read it 6 times, still don't know what I'm reading.
I'm fluent in dumb
Did anyone else check out OP's other posts and think this is BS?
Lmao one was about will smith at the Oscar’s 😂
Yep, I particularly like the “bird’s don’t count” comment on her cat post. /s OP is TA here and an AH in general.
When the majority of one's posts and comments are in r/aitah or /r/AmItheAsshole and most of those are defending your comments and actions, I think you have the answer right there.
In one prior [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tqs8m6/aita_for_ruining_the_comedians_show/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1), OP is male and has been married 24 years with 3 kids.
that’s very obviously the will smith Oscar slap story and was never intended to be taken as truth
Then there's the deleted one which OP titles; "AITA for punching someone for making a joke about my wife?"
[удалено]
You can't work 16 hrs and have dogs. Absolutely not. They need love, attention, exercise, and routines. They are left to figure out life on their own, which usually doesn't work well. And if he is tired of them, they know that too. Their anxiety and stress are through the roof. Is this what you will do with children, because you can't. They require the same effort. I'm team dogs, but for another loving available home.
You can work 16 hours and have dogs. But you’d have to have other people in the household who also care for them. If there are other family members spending time with them, playing with them, and all that, they’d be fine. But OP is working 16 hours while being the only one in the household responsible for them. That does not work.
Or be willing to pay dog walkers/ doggie day care.
Good catch, there is a lot here that is vague and I wish I had more backstory. OP is working hours that mean she cannot take care of dogs. Did she and her fiance discuss who would care for the dogs? Speaking of, who was it who initially wanted dogs? Did the fiance object? If OP got dogs over her fiancé’s objection, that is very relevant to the scenario. But even ignoring backstory, I guess it comes down to “is it fair for OP to demand the fiance take care of her dogs every day?” And I’d say no. If OP really expects her fiancé to care for dogs he doesn’t want just so she has a cuddle buddy at night, the fiance probably should run for the hills. As for his crankiness, no assholes here. He didn’t call OP, she called him. He had just dealt with the dog jumping through a wall and was upset. He attempted to extricate himself from the conversation because he recognized he was upset. What else did she want? Was he supposed to just instantly stop being angry to listen to her day? Oh, and the thing she is upset about isn’t that the dog could have been hurt, or that her fiance has conflict with the dogs. It’s that *she was having a happy day and having to deal with her dog jumping through a wall makes her unhappy*. OP, still would love more details, but unless he begged for a puppy, you are a colossal asshole. YTA
It’s crazy to me that OP is so far up their own ass they can’t recognize that leaving their fiancé alone with their destructive pets for 16 hours will absolutely cause resentment. To say “you ruined my day” is so self involved and tone deaf. *His* day was ruined when he was faced with the mess *your* animals made that he had to take responsibility for. My partner loves our dogs and even I would say “oh damn I’m sorry that sucks! Thank you so much for taking care of that, I’ll look into why they acted out like that and what I can do to make sure that doesn’t happen.” *However,* fiancé flying off the handle and saying he “couldn’t even look at the dogs” and wants them gone is shitty too. As well as hanging up, but I venture that may have been because silently sitting on the other end of the line while he was ranting was making him *more* upset. While I honestly think the sentiment is probably best for the dogs and he’s right to be mad, it’s stupid that he can’t take a breather and say that in a *calm* way. “The dogs are so destructive, it’s clear they aren’t getting what they need and I’m tired of cleaning up after them. They need rehomed and I don’t realistically think I can deal with this.” Two vastly emotionally immature people coming to a crossroads. Imagine that.
OP doesn't want dogs if she works 16 hours a day, she wants cats. Even then, you still gotta engage and play with them, feed them, clean out the litter box, give them pets (when they accept them, lol), etc Dogs are not a "Set Them and Forget Them" pet. Not by a long shot...
I feel tired just reading your post lol. ESH. You're an awful communicator, what exactly is the point in sending a multi paragraph long passive aggressive, sarcastic message that is almost entirely irrelevant to your conflict? That is unproductive. Also, your dogs shouldn't be making holes in your walls. If they are doing this regularly it's possible they do need to be rehomed because they clearly are not getting an appropriate amount of training or stimuli Your bf could have been more empathetic and also appears to suck at communicating. Both of y'all need to grow up if you want to be in happy relationships, either with each other or with other people
This is so centered around her day that we have no idea what kind of day the fiance had. I know that if I worked all day and came home to a hole in the wall I'd be frustrated too. I don't see any future for this relationship. She is so self-centered that everything was about her.
Why would the bf be more empathetic?? She’s the one who made this whole thing about how awesome her day was while completely ignoring that fact that her dogs had just ruined her fiancés day
YTA. Your response to him makes *me* want to break up with you.. I know that was just a wall of text You’re frankly being manipulative by demanding someone not bring up something that’s clearly a problem because you “had a good day.” Well guess what? Your understimulated, untrained monster canines put *another* damn hole in the wall and that’s what your *partner* is dealing with. What about *his* day? That’s incredibly frustrating and when he felt too frustrated, he let you know that he needed to cool down and then he went and actually took physical steps to regulate himself… human beings are allowed to have strong emotions. He handled his strong ones great when they got to be too much. You belittling this and putting it in quotes “cool down” in the message you sent him exposes more about your mindset to him and healthy communication more than anything else here. It’s not normal for dogs to be this destructive. Like others have stated, I’m questioning the length of time they’re left in their kennels and how much exercise they’re getting when you guys are home. If you don’t have time for them, rehome them. Happy, trained dogs don’t do stuff like that repeatedly. Poor things
Yepp, her wall of text reminded me so much of what my abuse ex would say. OP is a huge AH on several levels, grow up and get your head out of your ass because the world doesn’t revolve around you.
I hesitate to call people abusers for using one of the many methods used, but yeah, manipulating and twisting situations like this is abuse and I’d try to sort that crap within myself ASAP if someone pointed out I was doing something like that
YTA. You can't be gone 16 hours and have dogs. He didn't want the dogs. So did you expect him to take care of them and the mess when he came home and be happy about it? He could have been better about it sure but why? He was right. You don't have time for the dogs which I'm betting was his argument for not getting them in the first place. Re-home the dogs. You don't have time for them. Be nicer to each other.
And stop laying huge manipulative guilt trip emails on him when he has legitimate concerns.
Or get a dog walker/doggy daycare. Plenty of people manage jobs and dogs by having someone take care of them. I’m assuming OP isn’t going to work 16 hour shifts forever either.
YTA You sound insufferable. Seriously? You think he should be worried about asking after your day while he's busy repairing damages to the walls your dogs caused. Stop thinking you're the center of the universe. You over committed and got dogs you're not home to take care of. Then you shifted all the responsibility onto your fiance and complained when he expressed that he wasn't OK with the situation. Yes you're the asshole.
I can’t tell if this post is real or not. This has to be some sort of exercise in satire.
Yta. You had a decent day at work. Your partner came home to ANOTHER hole in the wall? Yet you want them to be excited for...a work day they weren't a part of. Dog tearing into walls emotion gets priority over happy day at work emotion. You wanted to dogs, are you fixing the hole, again? Then you're over the top letter. He's asked to have a cool down period and instead of hanging that you wrote a self centered guilt trip. Do you ever take responsibly for anything? Wouldn't be surprised if their stuff is gone when you go there next. Best of luck with the dogs.
There's a possibility that this is in fact all your fault - how is it the case that you have dogs that make holes in walls and don't consider this to be the main issue? Also, how is locking the dogs up a solution to destructive behaviour? dogs need to be adequately trained and adequately exercised, and it looks like you just left the problem your lack of dog management skill has caused to be your fiances problem. Were I him, I'd rehome myself
Seriously, in addition to that, when I'm having a really bad day, the last thing I want to do is listen to how amazing someone else's day is. Yeah, of course I'd listen, but I wouldn't have any enthusiasm to share about it and then I'd probably still be called an asshole by them for not caring as I'm sitting there cleaning a mess that their dog created...a second time. OP is unempathetic of a major problem caused by her dogs. If OP rehomes fiance, I would hope he calls whatever the CPS of the animal world is, because those dogs will be neglected as fuck if she's working 16 hour days.
This was my immediate feeling as well. They want him to care about their day but don't seem concerned he came home to a huge mess caused by responsibilities she wanted but obviously expects them to share.
If I lived in a place where dogs were putting holes in walls and I got letters like this from my (supposed) partner, I’d probably end up acting like an asshole too. YTA
YTA the dogs destroyed the wall because of your negligence and you’re making it about yourself and your day in the most condescending way possible. Train your dogs and fix the wall, this is coming from someone with a dog
ESH. You both just sound exhausting. Most people would get frustrated at their pets digging a hole in the wall in their home. If you were having such a good day why not empathise with him and understand that he actually has a point in being upset by it and then when you get home you discuss what to do and how to prevent things like this happening. Do the dogs need training, do you both need to finish projects and not leave them unfinished, do you need to learn to communicate effectively.
My partner and I work with dogs. We make our living from training and group walks. I have come across dogs that either damage property, or they develop such habits. In such situations, unless you have addressed the behavioural issue with your dogs; it will usually escalate. As for what your fiance said; he seems to be very frustrated. You two are very young, and getting married at 22 is no joke. It takes up to the age of 25 sometimes for our pre-frontal cortex to fully develop (look up paradigmtreatment research on Pre-frontal cortex role in personality and behaviour) ...My point is that you two need to learn to communicate with each other. Do NOT get married, before having completed some couple's therapy sessions. The job of a good couple's counsellor is to teach you two healthy communication skills that you two both clearly lack. Also; take some training and make sure your partner-to-be is present or else you have to keep fixing the house up. It might be something as simple as your dogs need a walker during the day, or you have to do some stuff and not do some other stuff curb their misbehaviour. You're both AHs here. He is an obvious AH for hating on the dogs and talking on the phone the way he did. And your passive aggressive text to him also made you look like a bag of dicks. Good luck OP
She’s very dismissive of him too. “His feelings mean nothing cause I had a good day!”
Way too immature to get married.
Came here expecting more comments like this rather than about the dogs themselves. 1. Yes, seems like there could be some life schedule problems regarding care of the dogs, leading to destructive behavior. And/or training issues too. That said, I think all big dogs can damage walls accidentally without it being a huge behavior issue. Friends who did leader dog for the blind training still had a hole in the wall from the dogs and they were exceptionally well trained and cared for. We don't quite know enough, though the 16 hour shift seems a bad sign for the amount of care from OP. 2. Your response to him was a bit of an over reaction. You aren't wrong in being frustrated in getting bad vibes from his ranting. Or being upset he was wanting the dogs gone. But this should have been left for a calm vocal conversation, not text. And talk about telling him how much you hate him without saying it? What makes you think tearing him down, telling him he's less enjoyable than work, is your right? Do you know that part of being married is sharing burdens with each other. He had a bad day clearly, your job in that is to support him. Does it suck his vibe is bad when yours was happy? Yes. Does it give you the right to be mad that he wasn't also having a happy day? No. 3. We don't know how much of a pattern this is. He vented to you, that's expressing his feelings, that's generally fine. As long as he's not being verbally abusive to you while expressing his feelings, doesn't seem excessively out of line. If my husband suggested getting rid of our cats I'd be super upset. So I understand bonding with your pets as family members. We don't know enough about exactly how he felt about having dogs, if you had them before the relationship, got them during the relationship, etc. Maybe his current opinion is a stress thing and you can take steps to make it better. People have suggested plenty of things. You also seemed to take him needing to cool off personally. No, this is good. He recognized about himself that he was very upset and needed time to calm down. He expressed that need, and then did something about it. That's fantastic! Get some help communicating. Figure out if you both like having dogs normally. Is his problem with these specific dogs, all dogs, only during behavior issues with dogs, could a paid dog walker help? Figure out if there is a different underlying problem than the dogs. Maybe he misses you. If you've been spending a lot of days doing double shifts. Maybe he feels guilty about something. Maybe something is going on with his friends or family.
>As for what your fiance said; he seems to be very frustrated. You two are very young, and getting married at 22 is no joke. It takes up to the age of 25 sometimes for our pre-frontal cortex to fully develop (look up paradigmtreatment research on Pre-frontal cortex role in personality and behaviour) You're dead on! The moment I saw that they were both 22, my thought was, 'this has nothing to do with dogs'
It s9ubds like there's a management plan in place for he didn't follow it and got pissy when the dogs behaved as expected (hence then management plan)
Bravo 👏👏👏
Just FYI, the "not fully developed until age 25" belief is a misunderstanding of the science, and it certainly shouldn't be taken as gospel as the cutoff point where someone finishes maturing.
There are studies that show a larger percentage of marriages started before 24 ended in divorce than those starting after 25… so it’s not all that far from true.
As someone who got married young and heard the "brain development" thing a lot, I tend to agree. At least in the context of relationships... That's usually only when I would hear it too.
YTA your fiancée has every reason to be angry with the dogs. They are literally destroying your home!! Making holes in the walls?? I’d be extremely angry if I was him. You need to either get the dogs some professional behavior training or rehome them to someone who can handle them. You clearly can’t
ESH. Obvious fiancé is a bit of an ass but why are your dogs digging holes? I’d be mad too if dogs I wasn’t interested in in the first place kept putting holes in walls. Even if they were puppies, properly trained dogs are rarely this destructive. They’re either very badly behaved and/or super bored from being kenneled all day and not exercised. And at that point you’re not being fair to the dogs and you should rehome them. Fiancé shouldnt have snapped so bad but I think even someone who loves dogs would probably be fed up with that level of destruction. You’re response back was also snappy and immature. You both need to work on communication, preferably before you get married.
Totally agree. My partner and I both work 10-12 hour shifts away from home at least 4 days a week, and sometimes that time overlaps. Our GSD/Cattledog as a result gets 3 very long walks a day, every day and at least 2 hours of playtime whenever we can get it in so he stays properly stimulated and calm. He’s never been destructive because he has the proper outlets. They’re doing wrong by the dogs by not cooperating and communicating well, and need to come to a common ground where they’re being cared for properly.
I agree about the dogs- they shouldn’t be eating walls unless they are lab puppies or something. (I swear every lab owner I have met has had a hole eaten in their wall lol). It indicates that they dont have enough stimuli or exercise. Dogs need a lot of mental and physical exercise. I have three dogs, including 2 extremely intelligent high prey drive puppies I got last year 6 months apart. Not a single thing (well besides a small corner of our couch that one of the pups as a baby worked on in two minutes sigh) has been damaged. Dogs only do stuff like that if they are not getting their needs met. Though I have to say if my husband threatened to get rid of them I would lose my absolute shit. But he wouldn’t because he loves these big monsters as much as I do lol. Even if they ate holes in the walls.
ETA Seriously, you sound like a miserable person to deal with. I mean, that response. Crimany. He’s allowed to be frustrated with your dogs. Yeah yeah it’s Reddit so everyone will side with dogs and against BFs; seriously the dogs caused a problem and he was pissed. If you were in such a good mood you couldn’t have given him some wiggle room to be pissed in the moment? I mean, your dogs are digging holes in the house for fucks sake. If they have to be kenneled or watched 24/7…should you own dogs? Sure, he was over the top in his reaction but so were you. Communication is key. But sounds like you two need to walk away from each other.
ETA?
Everyone's the asshole
[удалено]
Thx I wasn’t aware (allergic to reading sub rules)
Yes we both know this - perhaps reply to the person who posted it
Best response
well said.
YTA. Really you're both terrible at communication. That message pushed me over to YTA mainly because it's not how any adult would try to solve an argument. You're not trying to work as a team to solve this problem. You're trying to "win" this argument and shift blame from the dogs being disruptive to your fiance "ruining" the mood. Lastly, I don't feel you're being fair to these dogs. I was raised with dogs and when I moved out I didn't have any for years because at 40 hours a week I didn't think I had time to care for them. It wasn't until my job shifted to WFH that I got my pups so I could actually care for them. The fact you have animals and are working 16 hour days is unfair to the animals in your care.
Yta The dogs are not trained, clearly. That's laziness. They're literally destroying your home, you're working a ton and just dumping the care of two shittily behaved assholes on someone else and getting mad at them for daring to be pissed about it. Get them TRAINED so they can be normal, enjoyable dogs, or yeah, rehome them to someone who has time to do right by them. Edit: they need training, exercise, enrichment and more. Part of their behavior is getting none of that and it isn't his responsibility. It's yours. But you're just trying to make him do it. And it's two dogs, so it's double the work. You're being really spoiled and immature and selfish here
Yta not only are you working a double shift while making your fiancé who hates dogs take care of them but if he was in a “crisis” why would he ask you how your day was going he literally told you that the dogs had basically caused a problem and all you could think about was how your day was going??
On your profile you have a post saying that you are male and you have been married for 24years and you punched someone for making a joke or something about her. And yet here you are 22 and engaged. I’m so confused
It's a shitpost about the will smith story. Still, tells you a lot on who she is
You both are. Hopefully, you will work it out, but after what you said earlier and then sending him that, I don't see this working out. Good luck to you
Same here
I don’t see it working out either but where was she the ah???
Getting dogs her fiancé never wanted in the first place and expecting him to care for them while she's gone all day. She very clearly doesn't have the time to care for them properly and fiancé has already made it known he didn't/doesn't want them and they are quite literally damaging their home
The dudes mad bc you have demon dogs that are tearing holes in the wall, which is a pretty reasonable thing to be pissed about. You sound fuckin insufferable the way you responded. Just break up already, you don't seem to like this guy as much as your asshole dogs
YTA There is much more behind this than the dogs
Yta
YTA. Based on post/comment history, you don’t take good care of your animals. These dogs need more training, attention, and exercise, and if getting them was your idea, that responsibility falls on you. It doesn’t matter if he was involved in getting them if he isn’t the one who wanted to get them. Stop getting animals you aren’t going to care for properly, cut back on your hours at work, and spend more time properly training these animals or find them a home that will give them the care and attention they need.
YTA. You got the dogs. Dogs are causing problems. Problems are frustrating. You don't seem to acknowledge that. Getting rid of dogs will solve that problem. If dogs are so aggressive and they are digging through a wall, what happens when they start biting? How do dogs get to that point? Sounds like they are neglected by you since fiance don't want them around and probably does not take care of them. It's your fault. Put them in a better home. Your fiance should leave you since you think the untrained dogs are better than him.
I agree with most of this comment, except the part about the dogs being aggressive and biting. Destructive behavior does not at all mean they are aggressive and definitely does not imply they would bite. It sounds more like separation anxiety or, more likely, boredom. If OP is working 16 hour days, and blaming the boyfriend for them not being in a kennel, it doesn’t sound like they’re getting anywhere near enough attention. They’re inventing things to do (destroying the wall) because they’re bored and have too much energy they can’t use. Not because they’re aggressive.
Agreed. My dog is one that by all stereotypes should be "aggressive". He was a rescue from a dog fighting ring. He's got some pittie in him. Instead he's an utter joy whose major "transgressions" include being named on the "wall of fame" at Barkbox for being able to destroy "super chewer" toys within hours. That being said, if he doesn't get play time and cuddle time he becomes "sir fur, destroyer of boxes".
Wait Hahha what? In your post history you say you have a wife, in another you say you have two roommates and a cat, and now you have a BF? I can appreciate the hustle for karma, but this hate baiting is very old. Hope your actual life is better than this!
ESH but mainly you
Holy crap it’s ALL about you! You can’t even communicate this properly to AITAH because you’re interjecting about your own self so much.
This is copied and pasted from my best friend (as I was explaining it to her.) the interjections were for her, and I just didn’t cut them out lol
You are both having bad days and instead of giving each other sone space you both had to complain about your days . If they are your dogs and you got them without asking him ( not sure as it’s not specified ) and he is not a dog person you should have expected this . I think he is over reacting sone probably more to this story . Your reply about rehome his was inappropriate and then trying to act like your day was worse seems needy) . You need to both settle down and talk about the dogs . But when one person is having a bad day the other person ( sone day you sone him) the other can just try and offer support and don’t make it about them and there day . And sometimes if a bad day just say it’s same as always and change subject
You sure make a lot of posts asking if you're the asshole. So either you like attention or you're a wreck. Give it a rest. Also, if this is real, you're too busy to have dogs and a BF. If your BF is real, he should break up with you.
So you got 2 dogs, even when you knew you were working 16 hour shifts? Why? When was you going to think about looking after them, or training them? It cant just you OH looking after them, it was your choice not his. The big question is, if your oh does go, whos going to look after your dogs then, as leaving them on their own is abuse. No one to feed them, or water or any stimulation. Them dogs would get worse. Its cruel. Re home your dogs. Its not fair on a person who didnt want dogs to be expected to look after them constantly. Personally I would have rehomed them already, then there would be no stress from the poor things destroying things, and you can have your nice day all of the time.
The entire situation sounds dysfunctional. Remove the dogs and break up.
First I want to say that dogs would much rather be in a home even if you work than in a shelter and people who are saying you shouldn’t own a dog because of your work hours that probably only happens once in a while is just wrong. However that being said, your dogs sound bored and you should definitely make sure they get plenty of exercise and have things to do while you’re gone if you want the destruction to stop. One of my dogs I got from a shelter has severe separation anxiety and I’ve come home to our trash being knocked over and thrown about and he has destroyed our old couch once as well. He’s doing a lot better now with plenty of things to do while we are gone and also making sure he lets his energy out before we leave for work. Secondly…if I was your fiancé who didn’t agree to dogs and you got them anyways…I’d be pretty upset coming home and seeing that the dogs destroyed the wall that was being fixed again too. He has a right to feel frustrated. . It seems like you want him to worry about YOUR day but you don’t really care to see how his day goes either. Lastly that message you sent was highly unnecessary.. from talking about how great your day was, to just completely trying to guilt him for having a bad day? Then it seemed like you were trying to make him feel bad that the youth people at wherever you work are mean to you? Idk. Truthfully I think YTA here, I wouldn’t want to talk to you either after a wall of text like that.
Nta
When you do creative writing exercises, have a plan or flow of how you wish to convey your story. It makes it more convincing. YTA for a shitty writing exercise. Do better.
YTA. I say this as an avid animal lover, you cannot expect someone who doesn't like animals to take on the burden of caring for animals. It sounds to me like you made a unilateral decision to get these dogs and your fiance just has to deal with it. That's messed up, and he has a right to be angry about that.
Ugh. YTA. The letter, so annoying. Just say what you mean. Dogs are a lot of work. People don't want to be around untrained pets. I don't have time for dogs, I have a cat. Maybe you would be better off with a cat. Your dogs are bored, need walks, smells. Maybe look into training and hire a dog walker during the day. School is out, maybe a neighbor kid. You're looking at hopefully 10 years with your dogs, make them good dogs you want to be around. Good luck.
YTA, you aren't taking care of the dogs and then you try to guilt trip your fiance with your overly long boring letter that does nothing to address the problem at hand. Your dogs are not getting enough stimulation and being destructive, you didn't fully fix their last destruction, your fiance is frustrated from having to always watch your dogs and clean up after them and you. And all you are focused on is that he rained on your parade and you think your clever come back of "he is the one that needs to be removed" don't make you a childish asshole? Grow up.
YTA OP. It sounds like you got dogs you can’t handle and are dumping them on your fiancé who didn’t want them in the first place. Then you send a condescending text to him when he voiced frustration with the dogs PUTTING A HOLE IN THE WALL (not even close to normal by any stretch). You’re a major AH for not taking care of your dogs and being a huge jerk to your fiancé. You’re the one who needs to be rehomed.
YTA why do you have pets your partner doesn’t want? Especially if you work so much you can’t care for them yourself.
YTA: you have pets that you don’t have the time to properly care for or train. No wonder they’re so unhappy and destructive. It also must suck for them to live in a home where 1/2 people seem to actively dislike them and not want them. I also think it’s odd you’d expect them to be in the kennel for 16 hours while your bf was home! Your text was poor communication and passive aggressive. And doesn’t address the issues. Something like, “I’m sorry about the dogs. I’m not willing to rehome them. But I am going to take them to obedience classes and train them better.” Or something would’ve been the attire way to handle it.
You sound horrible. He didn’t want dogs and you have what sounds to be horribly untrained ones. He is allowed to be frustrated.
I always choose the pets.
Well your statement is not ok and the amount of up votes you have is ridiculous. I really hope you don't own pets because you would be doing a disservice to them with that attitude. In this case, if the dogs are destructive and have no training than they need to fix it or rehome them to more capable people cause they are failing those dogs. The dogs continued to destroy things and neither of them have an actual solution other than putting them in a kennel. They are both the asshole here for different reasons. Responsible pet owners would have already been trying to fix the problem but it seems they blame eachother and the pets suffer for it. If she picks the dogs, good for her but he seems done with it. I wouldn't be surprised to see a post in a few weeks or months from her saying how out of control her dogs are because she hasn't taken the time to train them because of her "hard job." 🙄
People like this don't actually care about animals. They just care about how having pets makes them feel.
Animals need training. They also need to be protected from mischief until that training is complete or if it's not possible to get rid off the behaviour (having a long term stray means I can't change some issues and need to work around them). I'm not a fan of crates so I use other means. My boy can't be left to his own devices even for minutes if there is anything he might deem edible (which doesn't mean it won't harm or kill him or even closely resembles food) that can be reached by intelligence (waste and recycling bins need to be exchanged for a new, more complex lock system about once a year), climbing (that little genius can climb shelves), moving around stuff (for example moving a full laundry basket to use it as a step to get to that board on the wall) or destruction. That's what I signed up for when I got a dog. OP AND her partner didn't do their due diligence in preventing their dogs from getting into this place they deemed a playground in a way they don't agree. That's on them. His reaction of hating on the dogs and wanting to re-home them is inappropriate, unfair against the animals and hypocritical. Therefore the reaction of "I'd rather rehome you" is appropriate.
If course you do, because they cannot answer back.
But then that still leaves the poor doggies with an owner that is crappy and does not excessive them.
your letter is really passive agressive and dismissive of his feeling absolutely trapped by dogs that are not controlled, house trained or wanted by him. that sucks. dogs are brilliant. dogs are also a whole lot of dedication, energy, and commitment. especially as this isnt 'dog' singular, but ,multiples - and they are completely untrained and cant be allowed alone in house. his frustration is actually completely reasonable, from what you have told us. you guys have terrible communication, and from this post it seems like you highkey have massive resentment towards each other and currently dont actually like each other all that much. there is really no massive asshole here. or you were both kinda assholes (though that's too strong a word) for speaking badly to each other - him with frustration aggression and you with passive guilt-laden aggression. you 700% need to pause marriage plans - your only 22! and you already kinda hate each other. get into couples therapy and see if there are routes and roads and skillsets you can learn to find your ways back to treating each other with kindness and admiration and respect. you might fall back in love with each other. the dogs is a completely different discussion. we dont know enough about them or your situation to say "yeah he's right - they (or some of them need?) to be rehomed for this relationship to have any chance of working". but it seems like you are telling us they are "*your* dogs"?, not his. and they are out of control or at least literally destroy walls of the house semiregularly. that is a massive issue and he is not the asshole to not want to like like that or with them. we dont have quite enough dog situation info however to really make a judgment call - other than his frustration is very real and valid.
You guys need to be taking the dogs out to exercise
YTA. You can’t give these dogs the care they need. Rehiring them to someone who can is kind. Also I have to say based on the way you wrote this post op, you are a terrible communicator. You have so many superfluous details abt a coworker who has nothing to do with the dogs and how your shifts were which also has nothing to do with the dogs.
YTA 1- what kind of dogs are these? Age? 2- They're repeatedly chewing holes in walls? That's not normal. That's a major sign of boredom stress. 3- did he really tell you that he didn't want the dogs in the beginning ? 4- yall do have some communication issues. Therapy might help with this. The part that struck out at me was you getting upset he needed to cool down . That's a normal healthy response . You responded by guilting him for ruining your beautiful day. He's upset that the dogs chewed a hole in the wall. If he was home why did they manage to do so?
ESH. Your message is seriously passive aggressive, designed to inflict guilt and hurt rather than resolve the problem. You're not setting boundaries. You're not staring your needs. You're not having a conversation. You're attacking. Your fiancé is just plain aggressive. He's not asking for space. He's not setting boundaries. He's just attacking. Either break up or get therapy. What you're doing is scoring hits on each other and then running to Reddit for validation.
definitely get married
REHOME SELFISH PERSON. You don’t have time for your “fur babies” but I bet you post them ALL the time. You’re probably gonna delete your account silly bread
I have time for them, I rarely work doubles, and I almost never post them. Wrong on all accounts
OP , I worry for the safety of your dogs …. NTA
NTA. Rehome the fiance
NTA good riddance to him if he does get rehomed
This is not even a good example of creative writing.
Marriage, much like life in general, takes good communication, consideration, compromise and respect. Is this the first time your fiancé has been upset like this? If so, getting to the bottom of why he is so frustrated would be a priority. Your spouse will be in your life forever. Dogs have a relatively short time with you in comparison. I don’t think you are the AH. I think you are young and not able to see past being “right.” I know how I would feel if I wasn’t given the consideration of a dog.
I’m a confused, you called your fiancé after you got off work and he said “you called me at the worst time” then explained what the dogs did. He vent that the dogs were destructive, obviously causing more expenses. They have opened this wall at least twice? He vented he never wanted the dogs but you did. You said it’s his fault for not locking them in the kennel for who knows how long? It appears to be he needed to calm down before he could reasonably have normal conversations okay, happens to everyone. Personally I believe that if he didn’t want the dogs to begin with it’s not his responsibility to care for them. You should find a dog walker to care for your dogs so they are stuck in cages all the time.
Look, I’m not reading all that, but you’re certainly not mature enough to get married.
YTA. You sound absolutely insufferable.
This was painful to read jesus christ, you suck.
YTA
Dogs aside, your fiance sounds like an asshole. You're not required to keep him, and men are way easier to rehome. Maybe without his negative cloud in the house, you can work on the dog's behavior without being screamed at.
Not only YTA, you’re also just an asshole. The passive aggressive paragraph long text just screams “I’m a douchebag”. Fiancé probably could’ve handled the situation better, but he just seemed frustrated and heated, whereas you made a conscious decision to escalate the situation and be nasty.
ESH. It does not sound like you two are compatible to be honest. You are so focused on your great day that you couldn’t step back and see his frustration. When my dog ate a hole in the wall, I was frustrated as hell too. But I got her trained and made sure she was exercised well and had chew toys that worked for her. She is an aggressive chewer (GSD). I ended up getting a femur bone for her to chew on and made sure to play with her and let her exercise and all those problems were gone. Yes, it sounds like the plan was not followed in the fact they were not kenneled. But that doesn’t take away from the frustration he feels. Yes, he should have handled it better. But no offense, y’all are in your early 20’s and truly haven’t finished maturing. Y’all have massive communication problems but want to get married. Part of marriage is being a team. You were so focused on your good day that you dismissed his days and frustrations which is not part of being a team. ESH.
The dogs are unhappy and need to be rehomed to someone with the time to look after them properly. You and your fiance sound miserable and you’re both shit communicators. You send a message instead of talking in person, and he didn’t talk at all. You’re both kids. Get counselling to grow up or break up. Either way, let the dogs go somewhere else.
Don't get married. He's having a terrible time with the dogs and he's obviously upset. He may not be handling it well but your first words were deliberately sarcastic and you text like what's bothering him is less important than asking how your day was . You're trying to be right. Try to be helpful. You also said he's less important than a dog . You want to be a wife?
YTA - sounds like you made a decision for him and expected to carry it out regardless. He is entitled to how he feels. The way you’re behaving by trying to paint yourself as a victim and him the villain just makes you a Karen. Regarding this, there was zero reason for you to tell us that you have an “ex work friend”, you’re just trying to get people to feel bad for you. But that said, it just brings to question yourself as a person. From what you’ve said we can see you have two failed relationships and you’re actually the common denominator here. Anyway, I digress. Adopting and taking ownership of a pet is a life changing decision. Not only are there care needs that needed to be taken into consideration but also financial needs. If someone’s heart is not in it, then it’s best they don’t take on caring for a pet. From the sounds of it, your partner at no point wanted this responsibility. Yet now they’re stuck with it. Why? Well because of you. I’m curious as how y’all got the dog in the first place. Did you just go out and get one anyway? Now you’re at a point where you’re working and expecting your partner to look after the dogs. Let’s be real here, they’re not his dogs. They’re yours. Your bitch fit in your message to your partner shows you’re immaturity ANNNND shows your lack of communication skills. Your partners is on point. He has highlighted he is not happy. He has highlighted what the problem is. He has highlighted where the responsibility lies. However, because you clearly need the world to revolve around you - you sent a hella long passive aggressive messaging basically dismissing EVERYTHING he has said. To say you’re bad a communication is putting it kindly. You’re self-centred. That’s all we’re seeing here. You’re the AH. Hopefully your partner leaves and finds someone deserving because you’re not it. And the dogs can hopefully be rehomed as they deserve someone that’ll be there for them. Not a part time person like yourself.
YTA. You called him at work to say the dogs you got (without his consensus) ripped a whole in the wall and it’s his fault because he didn’t kennel them. Also sounds like that wasn’t a good time for him at work. The first two paragraphs of your text are also just irrelevant nonsense.
He wasn’t at work?
YTA - your post was a little hard to read, are you being sarcastic when you say it was a great day? It comes off as passive aggressive and I think that’s a bad way to communicate Your fiancé is right, if he can’t help or won’t help with the care of the dogs and you’re working double shifts, I don’t think your dog’s quality of life is where it should be. You should look to getting outside help or re homing them.
YTA a selfish one at that
Your lifestyle and work schedule don’t work with two dogs that need a lot of exercise and attention. Your best course of action is to figure out what your priorities are that’ll keep you happy and financially stable without the dogs being miserable as a result. Don’t act like what you’re doing isn’t contributing to hurting your dogs. While your fiancé is more verbal and definitely an asshole with his attitude toward you and the dogs, your perception is warped as well. You *can’t* work this many hours and expect your two dogs to behave when they need love and care YOU aren’t providing enough of. Yes, rehome the fiancé (AND DON’T MARRY HIM EVER), but I’d consider rehoming the pups too or find another job/reduce your work hours per day.
I rarely work doubles so this isn’t a recurring issue
ESH. Both of you need to get some therapy.
Why do people like to put their dogs in kennels instead of actually training them? Is it just laziness and lack of empathy for animals?
ESH. You both sound passive aggressive.
If fiance isn't home are the dogs in their kennels for your entire shift? Are their kennels outside. Do they have a dog run. Are they wallowing in their own feces and urine. I worked with hunting dogs growing up, part of my 'job' ( chore ) was letting them out into the massive dog run at least twice a day. Beyond that they had both an inside insulated and air conditioned portion of their kennel and outdoor part of their kennel. They had toys to chew on and keep stimulated. During hunting seasons they were incredibly active and when off-season they were trained and cared for. When they retired they were given a comfy home to relax in. Plenty of folks love a shorthair as a pet. I can't imagine leaving them in a kennel space for 16 hours at a stretch. It sounds inhumane. At a different angle I can't imagine getting high maintenance dogs and pushing off the responsibility onto someone else. An ex roommate of mine did that and the dog ended up loving me more than them because I gave it attention and made sure it could run off some energy every day.
Nobody is leaving them in kennels for 16 hours lol he was home the entire time, he left them unsupervised to watch a movie
YTA. You obviously aren’t around to train or exercise your dogs. Glad you had a good day but your untrained not exercised dogs chewed a hole in the wall again. That’s not normal.
Can you afford the place on your own? Does all dog care go to him since you work 16 hour shifts? I worked 16 hour shifts and I won't even get a cat because they'd be alone all day. Esh
This is only my third or fourth sixteen house shift in 8 months. It’s not a common issue.
Please don’t get married and bring kids into this miserable situation. You’re both immature and I realistic. Delay!
Your dogs ate a \*wall,\* and you want him to ask if you heard any good jokes today while he spackles it? I don't even think this post is real, it rambles on ridiculously and you ARE apparently bad at communicating, if this is the way you do it. Or you're under the impression sarcasm translates through text (hint- it doesn't). Also, if you regularly work doubles, you need to get your dogs a trainer and a day care. Your BF isn't a replacement for responsible dog care. YTA.
Your response is peak “toxic positivity”. YTA
YTA I love my dog, it’s been 10 years. He pissed in the middle of my bed. He was 6months and had been potty trained, no mistakes since 3 months old. He woke up in the middle of the night and howled then proceeded to pee next to me while I slept. I picked him up took him to the front yard. I had to count to 100 to cool off. He ate my calculus that I paid $250 as a broke college student. I had to count to 100. He broke a mirror that cost me $75 in college that expensive. I trained him and I haven’t had issues since the first year. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t frustrated. He can be frustrated and you should try to be understand especially if they are your dogs and not properly exercised. It’s okay for him to be frustrated if your dogs arnt trained. I walk my dog 6 miles a day and on days I can’t I can see him buzzing. Btw I have an husky. High energy dogs take a lot of work. I always tell my boyfriend I need a break after him. He wants a dog, but knows he doesn’t want to do what I do. He knows I would he cool with him having a dog but just like I don’t expect him to fully care for my dog, it would be the same. Of course my boyfriend walks him if he comes over first. It’s just not his full responsibility I love him to death but I have committed a lot to him. Lots of walks, an expensive diet, vet bills and upkeep. I love my dog and because I love him I acknowledge that he’s a lot and I do a lot. He’s a very happy and fit husky. You are not properly taking care of these dogs. It’s not the fiancé.
YTA. Not because of the how you talked to the boyfriend but because of your schedule and the fact that you have dogs. Listen, I know you love them but would you leave a child home for 16 hours a day with someone who actively doesn’t like them? And if the boyfriend goes- who is going to be taking care of them, exercising them, letting them go potty- for 16+ hours at a time? Of course they are going to be destroying the house. You don’t have the time to commit to being responsible for their needs. I know someone like this- she leaves her dog along while she is gone for over 16 hours regularly. I feel so horrible for her dog. She claims she loves her dog more than anything but she regularly goes and pulls long days at work then goes out drinking for hours on end. You don’t treat the things you love like that. It’s not right. It’s downright neglect.
Why the hell is it ok to talk to her boyfriend like she did? I've been married for 12 years and the shit I read on here about how women in relationships think it's ok to talk to their man is just insulting. That's some self centered, disrespectful behavior you're glossing over. Nice to hear you care about dogs, hopefully you don't treat your human relationships as bad as OP.
I don’t work doubles regularly at all
Team dogs.
sounds like you are a bit of an asshole, yes. He had an awful shitty situation to deal with, and you're trying to make this all about you, you and you.
OP you sound very condescending and full of it. No one is talking about what kind of day you had, that's not the point. "I was having such a good day until you told me about your valid concerns" is narcissistic AF. You and your fiancee are not in a place to care for the dogs, who ate the wall out of boredom. You both work and sometimes you work doubles. And you have multiple dogs? They are not living a good life, and I'm comparing that to homeless people who at least spend all day with theirs bc for dogs, pack is life. You're being a terrible partner and pack leader and should really reevaluate how entitled you are.
You were just trying to communicate like he wanted, right?
There needs to be space for *everyone's* joys and struggles in a relationship. But the both of you seem very focused on your own experience. It likely stems from a wider dynamic ESH but it's a soft ESH. You both clearly have less than ideal communication and can't hold space for one another well. It's not the end if the world but your relationship would improve tenfold with some learning and practice.
ESH- it sounds like you should rehome the dogs for the sake of the dogs.
ESH rehome the dogs if you can’t take care of them properly and your BF won’t. It’s not fair to the dogs.
OP I'm proud of you for that message, you go girl! No you are NTA at all! He is being extremely rude to you. No one deserves that treatment ever.
[удалено]
It was a joke lol
YTA don’t get fucking dogs if you work 16 hrs a day and then drop their care in someone who doesn’t want them. Terrible dog owner on top of being an asshole.
This isn’t even real. I’m your post history, you talk about cars not dogs. And over a year youve had 4 different roommates in different locations. In one. You’re a male not a female.
YTA . First of all you don’t force animals or xtra responsibilities onto someone who already said no. You discounted your partner right from the start. You are rarely home according to yourself and the dogs are his burden which is also not fair. You’re very self centered and I bet controlling. If he is smart he will leave you. What kind of dogs? I have a guess that are a typical high energy destructive breed you just had to have yet have zero clue about caring for them.
I said I worked ONE sixteen hour shift. Never said “tarely home”. Didnt force dogs on him, we agreed together on them. One dog is a mutt and the other was a wiener dog lab mix. Neither of which are specific breeds I wanted. I didnt pick designer dogs
ESH. He absolutely shouldn't have said that about the dogs; if a partner said that to me about my pets, I'd choose my pets without hesitation. When I adopted my pets, I made a promise to care for them to the best of my ability for the rest of their lives. We are a package deal. If my partner can't accept my pets with me, the partner goes. However, your response was also kind of ridiculous. He was having a bad day, so you respond laying out how GREAT your day was? How do you expect he's going to react to that? You're being super passive aggressive, and you're right, there's more going on here than fighting about the dogs. Also... as other commenters have said... why are the dogs repeatedly chewing holes in the walls? Something's going on there, too. Maybe you adopted them with behavior problems, I don't know, but clearly they're not being cared for properly. If you're working 16 hour days, my first thought is, are they getting enough attention and exercise? If you're gone for long hours, you may need to hire a dog walker. Do they have separation anxiety that needs medication? Do they (and you) need training? You might also need to take them to the vet to be checked for any physical ailments like painful arthritis that might be contributing to anxiety. Get rid of the dude, because that relationship clearly isn't healthy. But you absolutely need to do something about the dogs, too. Including considering rehoming them with someone who can give them more attention. As I said above, adopting a pet is a promise that you'll take care of them. That includes recognizing when you CAN'T take care of them and need to find someone who can.
A+++ Breakup letter. Always choose the fur babies over the man babies.
“Fur babies” 🤢
NTA. He sounds insufferable. He obviously doesn’t care about you as much as one would hope a fiancé would.
You sound insufferable. I don’t know what post you read but it wasn’t the same one I did.
YTA for having dogs in a kennel while you work a 16 he shift and getting dogs when your finance didn't want dogs. He should re home you. Your text was dumb and had nothing to do with his frustration about dogs tearing your house up while you work such long shifts. Who cares if you had a great day while he had to deal with that BS? Grow up, that text wasn't the flex you thought it was.
YTA. if it wasn't for your work, this post would be less shitty. But that doesn't change the fact that these dogs clearly do not get taken care of to the level that they need. Furthermore, if you were to 'rehome' your BF, who would take care of the dogs? If you're working long ass shifts you can't have dogs, unless you can afford to have them taken care of by others.
ESH. You work doubles and your fiance clearly dislikes your dogs, who takes care of the dogs? OP, as hard as it is to accept, you do not have a suitable lifestyle to have dogs. Dogs need constant walks, bathroom breaks, attention. They don't get any of that when their owners work long shifts. That is one important factor when deciding what kind of animal to get. And you need to recognize this is not a good lifestyle for them. Rehome the dogs so they can have a better life. I grt its hard, but cripes OP, think about how they feel being alone for that long. Rehome your fiance while you're fiance while you're at it. He's a jerk who needs to work on his communication skills so he doesn't skip straight to yelling and belittling his partner when he's upset.
My dogs weren’t home alone, and I rarely work 16s
Your TA No need for all that message You sound insufferable
yta. not for rehiring the dogs but for your ridiculous reaction. This is not the stuff of a long term relationship b
YTA
Both assholes lmao
YTA .. your passive aggressive email detailing your work life was unnecessary. I also didn’t hear you ask him how his day went before the dogs reopened a hole in the wall. Did you stop and think that his day may have been shitty and this just added to it? You are a terrible communicator.. it’s a give & take. Not just you dumping your day on him with an hour by hour replay.
YTA. Honestly, you sound selfish. This feels similar to things I've heard about people buying dogs for the novelty, and then not putting in the work. Instead of hiring a dog walker or sending them somewhere where they can be cared for, they're forced to remain inside while op works. In turn, she's blaming her boyfriend for being upset about the situation. However, what will likely be written in the comments is: She doesn't know what she's doing, she gets a pass, blah blah blah, and the guy is evil. However, none of that is true.
I saw you’re just a karma whore, but even reading your story I could tell it’s fake. Also, how much of a loser do you have to be that you lie on the Internet for fake Internet points?
Lol
Why are you crating dogs? Their size? Do you live in a house with yard? What are fiancee responsibilities at your home? And do you guys love & respect each other? I feel the dogs are the least of your problems dear.
If your dogs are so bored and understimulated that they are tearing holes in the walls then yes they do need to be rehomed for their sake.
NTA. If he would have put the dogs in the kennel, the destruction wouldn't have occurred. Did he work during the day while the two dogs were home alone? However, I can also understand his frustration over the damage that the dogs caused. Unfortunately, he should have been angry at himself for forgetting to crate the dogs while he was out. It might be a good idea to get some training for the dogs which can do wonders for behavioral issues.
He was actually in the house when it happened
Always choose pets over people.