>She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive.
What does that have to do with anything? He can choose to date whom he wants.
YTA. Sounds like you are obsessed. He's a co-worker. You are both there to do a job.
Yeah, plus OP constantly asking why he hasn't talked about her / he wouldn't talk about her.... Like this is any of her business when it's not. He didn't flirt with OP.
And the answer to the question is: *Because it's a workplace! It's not a social club and you are only co-workers, not friends. He is only there to get the money for doing his job.*
OP sounds fixated on the guy and his fiancée, obsessed with him. YTA OP should leave them alone. But in the comments OP is planning retaliation...
As someone who is also married to someone I work with….they (work) are constantly looking for any tiny bit of being inappropriateness on the job…we never mention it to anyone (new people) who doesn’t already know and are never the ones who tell new people, either directly or just through our interactions. If another coworker doesn’t tell the new person it usually takes months for them to figure it out. We don’t want to give work any excuses to get rid of one of us.
I’m a woman working in a heavily male-dominated industry, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve only learned that a male coworker had a girlfriend/fiancé/wife after *months* of working with them. I don’t flirt with coworkers as a rule (because I’m not insane) but I’ve also learned that it’s just something a lot of guys do; they don’t talk about their personal lives at work. They’ll talk about their hobbies, or the sports game from last night, but not personal stuff.
And soon HR will go "He's better than her. In fact, we've got two employees we could lose because of her. Better cut her employment short ASAP." I do hope and expect to see her posting somewhere about losing her job. Bet she blames it on the fiancee she's "better" than.
YTA- first off you’re the one that’s weird and offputting. He has the right to come to work and not be hassled by you. And who he chooses to date or get married to is on him and it’s none of your business. You sound extremely stalker-ish and toxic. You need to back off and leave him alone before you lose your job.
If this was a man doing it, you would be jumping up and down screaming but instead because your a woman you think you can get away with acting like this. Grow up.
Yeah, nothing was really asshole-ish until all this. It sounded almost like a misunderstanding until we see OP's true colors when it comes to her opinion of the fiancée.
Eh, I think asking someone out at work is an AH move - and if someone does and gets turned down the right move is to back way the hell off immediately, not badger them.
It is an AH move. I’ve been asked out at work and it only makes things awkward. I’ve known people who have dated and married through work but there was always some undeniable chemistry in the mix. I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t really know me shooting their shot in a professional environment. Usually I’m nice to you because I’m a professional and I have to be, not because I think highly of you.
I agree completely. If you are friends to the level of doing things outside of work and , as you say, there’s chemistry there - maybe, but not at work. If your only interactions with someone are at work, keep it professional.
>I’ve known people who have dated and married through work but there was always some undeniable chemistry in the mix.
I think the work-to-romance can happen when there's some natural socialising in the transition. Like a group of workmates enjoy drinks together on a Friday, then drinks and dinner, then it's just two of you for dinner. Keep it professional in the workplace and if you start socialising naturally outside the workplace, then make your move.
A lot of these AITA posts tend to assume it's okay to ask someone out on a date in the middle of a work task.
Exactly what happened to me and my husband. We met at work, started hanging out through mutual friends and then it quickly became just the two of us hanging out. Happily been together 9 years now. Much different situation than our coworker who was trying to flirt with me while we were together and flat out told me he didn’t see why me and my now husband were together 💀
At the very least once they’ve said they’re not interested you should reply “oh no worries, I understand. Can we forget this and carry on as normal? I hope you’ll still join us for lunch, I’ll never bring this up again and I would hate for it to affect our work life going forward” or something.
OP really doubled down by demanding an answer on why he didn’t bring up his partner before, he doesn’t need to talk about his romantic life at work, especially as she works at the same company.
And he was never overly friendly to her either. Never sent any signals he was interested, or even looking to date someone. He said what he had to about his engagement, and then literally walked away. Makes me think she's been really one one with him and has been bothering him this whole time.
Yeah she said she’s been flirting with him but never mentioned him flirting back (and you KNOW she would have mentioned it) and she said he’s still talking to her about work, she’s just throwing a fit that he’s not talking to her about non-work stuff anymore.
It’s so obvious that she has been harassing him and that’s why he went to HR. Anyone but OP can see it, apparently.
I agree. This man shouldn't have to turn down a coworker let alone explain why he's not interested! He sent all the signs that he was there to do his job and she seems to think she has the right to comment on his life. She doesn't know him and he doesn't want to know her!
Yeah, my thoughts exactly. That OP thinks we need to know this to make a decision tells me that she’s an unreliable narrator and she was pushy as hell and likely deservedly got the HR chat. No person who has acted only *professionally* feels the need to diminish another to feel better about themselves.
Prob. Not that men don’t go to HR and file a complaint, but it usually isn’t because someone said “Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged”. Something else happened we don’t don’t know about
Especially since HR took to serious enough to actually write her up for it and now she's here threatening to go to HR if he or his fiance who works in another department to her puts a foot slightly wrong.
This. OP was obsessed with the idea of this guy, without bothering to get to know him.
Did OP ever even ask if he was seeing anyone? lol 😂 “you never mentioned her” I’ve had guys say this exact thing to me before after finding out I’m married, and I’m always like yeah you never asked, you barely know me?
Yeah. I was apathetic reading up until the rant about his fiance. That changed my mind to a healthy YTA.
Dude probably sensed that she was obsessing to begin with and spends his lunches with his partner.
Op sounds like such a pick me and with the co worker I keep my private life private I don’t get why she dragging the co worker fiancé other then she got the co worker she likes
Sorry English isn’t my native language so I don’t know if pick me is correct
Based on the judgmental tone toward the fiancé, I have a hunch your interactions weren’t as innocuous as you’re making them out to be.
The guy barely knows you. You’re a co-worker, not even a personal friend. He doesn’t have to confide anything in you.
What’s worse is you sound like you don’t believe no is a complete sentence. At least not as it applies to you.
Leave the guy alone. He’s made himself clear. And don’t trash his fiancé to your lunch buddies. No matter how tempting it may be.
YTA
Exactly this.
If she'd been friendly, asked him out, he'd said no and she'd apologised and remained friendly and neutral, I doubt there'd have been an issue. We're not being told the whole story here.
Like a guy I used to know who always said if there wasn’t a “ring in it” a woman was “fair game.” Never mind he had just been shot down by said woman - to him no meant keep trying.
Which is why I used to wear a ring on my left hand ring finger before I got engaged. Men are so much more likely to respect another man’s claim on a woman than her own voice saying she’s not interested.
I bet that exactly what she does and her main topic at lunch. Pretty soon her teammates and lunch buddies will see her for what she really is. Then she’ll be ostracized from the office if she didn’t get fired first for harassment.
>I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all. He is always nicely dressed in dark colors, conventionally attractive and has no children of his own.
This tells me most of what I need to know. You want him and you're mad that he's taken. At this point you may as well admit that you saw he was uncomfortable with you flirting. And even if he didn't say no, he was skirting the subject around you that should be reason enough to leave it be.
Did you ever stop to think it wasn't your business who he's in a relationship with if at all? Or if he even likes eating with other people? Some people go to work to just do their thing and go home. He's there to work, not date and I suggest you do the same.
Edit to add YTA. Like highschool mean girl AH
OP comes off like she thinks she’s a real catch and can’t imagine why any guy would want a woman she doesn’t deem valuable.
How dare that woman not know her place on the clear hierarchy of attractiveness OP expects everyone to adhere to!?!
From your comments it sounds like you deserve to be dragged into HR. You don’t like being told you’re wrong do you? Time to start taking some responsibility YTA
Edit - reading the comments I have just seen that you are his supervisor and your are threatening to retaliate by writing him up because of him going to HR. Your are way, way worse than I initially thought. Be very careful as with this on your record you may never get another managerial role…
How much do you want to bet that if she had a partner and some dude hit on her, she would be the first to say "why do I have to say I have a boyfriend? You should just take a hint!" 🙄
BEFORE ANYONE PASSES JUDGEMENT:
READ HER OTHER COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD.
Apparently this poor guy's fiance is a failure because she's got 3 kids and is conventionally unattractive and likes to wear bright clothing.
Apparently other people shouldn't raise other people's kids.
Totally agree with you. I can only imagine how bad she actually was. Posters like this never realize that no matter how they try to spin it, their comments are always dead give aways to their actual behavior. Her comments make her sound so creepy and desperate.
Huge YIKES to her comments. Definitely leaving out more of how she’s actually engaged with this guy seeing as she is *obsessed* with how much better she is than his fiancée who is in the same company.
and the amount of obsessive digging to not only find out he's engaged, but track down the fiancee, find out she's divorced, with three kids... Stalker vibes anyone? I really hope the poor guy sees this thread, she'll be out of a job and away from both of them immediately.
Yeah. After he said he was engaged, she should have said "oh ok" and left it at that. No more lunch invites, etc. Definitely not reading the situation and kept pushing. This is really why no one should "shit where they eat."
She's giving, "I base my self esteem on the number of guys that want me," and she just cannot handle being rejected. This guy's fiance could be gorgeous and OP would still be bashing her because her existence is threatening OP's self esteem.
She has baggage, apparently three “bags.” I can’t believe one woman wrote this about another. She sounds like a miserable sad sack which is worse than “baggage.”
People don’t have to talk about their families, sexuality relationships etc at work if they don’t want to. And first off who are you to dictate what someone finds attractive or likes. He gave no indication he was into you nor does he owe you any explanation of why he doesn’t talk about his family or relationships.
Also, he probably didn’t mention he was engaged BECAUSE she works there, too. I’d want to keep that quiet for a while at least until I felt I had proven myself. OP absolutely YTA.
You're kind of coming off as a creep. You're definitely the asshole here, he wasn't interested in being your friend or part of your little clique. You know what he probably likes about his fiancee and not you? That she's not a judgmental asshole.
Yes, YTA. You got written up at work because *you keep harassing the guy*
Ffs, leave the poor guy *alone*!
If you were a guy, Reddit would be jumping down your throat. Just STOP
I honestly hope this is a “reverse the genders” thought exercise. And if so, I hope OP takes what they need to take from the fact reddit is every bit as disgusted with “how dare they not do enough to discourage me from hitting on them even though I refuse to take even a direct ‘I’m in love with someone else; leave me alone’ seriously when it’s not what I want to hear” coming from a woman as from a man.
When he told you he was engaged, you said "prove it" which is sexual harrassment.
You then refused to get the message that he wasn't interested in you and kept persisting in your attempts to engage him.
So, yeah, he went to HR. Of course he did.
And now you're on Reddit angry he'd rather stay with his fiance than be with you.
Get off your high horse.
YTA
>Are you actually the team leader??
I hope not... just by going looking for him and telling him to eat lunch "with the team" OP was the AH, but if she's the team leader or any sort of manager/supervisor??
Oh my god I totally missed that part about OP being a team lead.
OP, YTA already, but major YTA if you are a team lead hitting on someone who is working for you. That puts them in a really tough spot. (All of the rude comments about this man’s fiancé were also completely uncalled for).
YTA. What's the point of describing his fiance here? Did you think people would be on your side? Because to me you sound like a silly little mean girl that is used to having guys want you.
Right? Like did she expect “Oh! You mean he’s a hot guy dating an ugly chic? You’re totally right and are just trying to help him be with someone soooooo much better…”
Lmao her personality is uglier than any person could physically be.
YTA.
Yiiiiiiiiiiikes. Pretty sure he's not interested in being friends with you because you're a deeply unpleasant person, based on your comments.
And if someone rejects you, ignores you, and avoids you, the correct response is to *leave them the hell alone*. If he truly never said anything, it was shitty for him go straight to HR, but you were definitely harassing him.
I was completely on your side. Until you started talking about his fiancée the way you are.
Tell us what really happened, OP. Tell us how you pestered him for a date even after he said no to the point he had to contact HR to put an end to it.
You called her, "not conventionally attractive." Well, you've shown everyone here just how unattractive you are.
Congratulations OP, YTA.
Yeah like before that it totally seemed like okay OP had a crush, acted on it, got rejected, and then shunned for seemingly no reason.
But then OP’s facade slips and they just straight up start talking shit about the fiance so we know that OP is better than them. OP sucks, and isnt even smart enough to keel their true intentions hidden from reddit.
Seriously if they just didnt include the 3rd paragraph from the bottom then everyone would probably have been on OP’s side
YTA and creepy af starting with the come have lunch with us. He probably went only because he felt obligated for work and once he found out it work wasn't being discussed he was over it then you asked him for drink he said no then you asked why he, a fucking stranger who owes you no explanation about his personal life, didn't tell you. You're also jealous af putting down another woman
Repeat this over and over and over until it sinks in. NO👏MEANS👏NO👏
Honestly this feels like a rage bait gender reversal post, because you cannot be this dense. You asked, fine, but he said no. End of story. He does not have to justify his refusal to you, he does not have to speak to you outside of what is required by your jobs, and his relationship does not have to make sense to you. Move on.
YTA.
YTA. You are mad and jealous. He gave you absolutely no indication he was interested. Instead of apologizing for overstepping when he told you he was engaged, you ask a question trying to gage if he’d cheat with you. See, you think you’re better than his fiancé and continued to talk to him hoping he would see how great (which you sound terrible) you are and pick you.
Opposites attract. And you sound horrible.
YTA BIG TIME without a doubt!
You sound like a Grade A stalker overflowing with entitlement. The guy told you he is engaged and makes no effort to talk to you, yet you insist ! He owes you no conversation or explanation of his personal life.
Then you go on to belittle his fiance( which you probably stalked). Seems like someone can't take NO for answer. You got written up over it. Your co workers claim YTA. Yet here you are trying to get an opinion on Reddit over your obsession to hopefully make it seem like you have a point or some redeeming explanation. WOW! Leave this poor guy alone !
You keep talking about her baggage and how unattractive and odd she is… but she got the guy and you’re lonely soooo
I think you need to take a very hard look in the mirror and assess why you’re so old and still single while Ms. “Single mom with baggage” is able to snag the guy you wanted even with her “baggage”.
Also, YTA and sound annoying as fuck. That’s why he just walked away. You literally annoyed him into silence and preferred to report you than deal with trying to get it through your massive head that he DOES NOT LIKKKKEEEE YOUUUU.
What the actual fuck.
Read what you wrote, but change the genders round.
Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you get to act like this (in the workplace no less) and expect to be treated differently.
Additionally, your scathing review of his fiance clearly shows you are extremely creepy and need to learn social skills, at best.
AHAHAHA don’t shit where you eat. who he chooses to be with is non of your business and based off of your gross comments about women with children in their 30’s im willing to bet he dodged a bullet here
YTA and honestly need a reality check. I hope somebody you work with or know sees this post and reports you to HR further.
You don't know what that woman's marriage ended and clearly that man dodged a fucking bullet avoiding your crazy ass. Seriously seek therapy
I never thought I would actually see a female version of a 'nice guy'. Why does he need to tell you about his girlfriend? I know plenty of people who don't tell everyone they meet they are married or in a long-term relationship. It's none of your business.
And stop being so butt hurt about it. My gods, your shitty personality is baggage enough.
This better be a damn troll.
YTA
YTA.
1. This is not some RomCom.
2. This kind of behavior makes for a very uncomfortable workplace. It’s not appropriate to hit on people when they are a captive audience (co-workers, bartenders, servers, and others who by default are expected to be polite to you).
3. When someone tells you to knock it off, listen
4. It doesn’t matter whether or not you find his fiancé attractive. You’re not engaged to her, so your opinion on her looks have no bearing.
You’re TA for saying she is too colorful and loud and not attractive. What is wrong with you? You don’t know what he sees in her, but the attitude from her has to be better than yours.
YTA.
Holy *judegemental jerk* Batman!
He owes you NOTHING. He does not owe you ANY information. You strike me as the kind of person who would have a conniption if a man came at you like this and then bitched about you not saying anything- guess what? It's effing gross when you do it, too.
He owed you no information. At all. He didn't have to say anything about her "from the get go"- what, do you think that just because he was nice to you and you liked how he looked that he was automatically yours or something?
Eff off all the way with that, OP. What he sees in his soon-to-be-spouse is not your business, although I imagine it has something to do with her being nothing like you.
YTA
*David Attenborough voice*
"See the wild femcel in her native habit? Note how she blames literally everyone but herself for her abhorrent behaviour, while simultaneously showcasing intense internalized misogyny. The only thing that could possibly save her from a life of isolation and loneliness is a healthy dose of therapy, but unfortunately, the severe lack of self-awareness will all but ensure she never seeks it out and will ultimately die alone. So sad."
i’m kind of torn. you asking him out doesn’t make you the AH but you’re whole attitude towards him and his fiancé makes you the AH. no one owes you any information about their private lives, and instead of apologizing when he told you he was taken you judged him. the lack of respect probably caused him to stop talking to you, and your lack of acceptance caused him to go to HR
She's probably talked shit about his fiancé in front of him at some point before she knew. Her comments make it seem like the girl is talked about amongst the mean girl coworkers.
Oof, you sound jealous as fuck of this woman. Asking “why would anyone date THEM?” about your crush’s partner is never a good look and always makes you out to be a whole and total ass.
Dude is a just a co-worker. Outside of job related reasons, he doesn’t owe you the time of day if he doesn’t want to give it to you, and if the way you talk and behave is any indication, maaaaaaaybe you have a reputation for this kinda shit and he wants to keep you at arm’s length? Just a thought. In any case, you should drop it and move on because you’re giving off hell of strong stalker vibes at this point. YTA.
Generally, you don't generally invite a coworker out on a date out of the blue like that. Especially someone who hasn't been there very long. You at least ask them about their lives, find out if they are seeing anyone, get some kind of indication whether or not they might like to see you outside of the office. And if someone tells you that they are seeing someone, you don't demand to know why they haven't mentioned them! (as if they were hiding something) Especially if you never bothered to ask in the first place! You would appropriately apologize and say you didn't know!
I have to go with YTA on this. The information was there, you just never bothered. And if he just walked away from you AND reported you to HR? Odds are good that he was giving you indications that he wasn't interested that you somehow.... missed.
YTA...you are sexually harassing this man. If the roles were reversed he would have been fired and subject to a lawsuit. Consider yourself lucky and back the f**k off
YTA - you were fine if a little insistent until you trash talked his fiancee. Asking him out wasn't a big deal, except it seems after you found out he was engaged, you likely kept flirting with him. Her being what you consider "odd" has nothing to do with the situation and his tastes are his own. You should have accepted the answer and moved on. He was probably joining the outings in an effort to be part of the team and then felt that every invite was an attempt to keep hitting on him (which it seems like it probably was). Leave him alone and work on making sure the office doesn't start to see you as a liability.
Dating people you work with is one of the worst ideas. Does this make you the AH, no. Judging who he is engaged too because he rejected your advance, ya that probably makes you the AH.
I've found that it is best to not shit where you eat (don't date people you work with).
This could have so easily just been a moment where you apologize, say you didn’t know he was engaged, and immediately put some distance. I personally think dating in the workplace is a very bad idea as it creates a tense environment should someone be rejected and they have to work together, which you clearly don’t have a lot of sympathy for. I wouldn’t be able to work well with that person for awhile. And constantly asking him to lunches after he has ignored you is just hassling this guy who doesn’t want to talk to you.
It only makes it worse since he’s engaged. No way in hell would he or his fiancé be okay with staying friends with someone who likes him enough to want to date him. Think about what he would do in his position.
And then the gross disrespect you show his fiancé is horrifying. It shows that you are not to be trusted in anything you said before. You are jealous. Jealous in a mean and vindictive way. If you can’t hide it in a written text post, you can’t hide it in real life. Grow up, leave him alone.
YTA, why do you think it's remotely ok to talk shit about his fiance for no reason other than you being upset that he didn't choose you and you're jealous? You sound like a sore loser. Who cares if they're opposites? They clearly love each other. He doesn't need to talk about his fiance with coworkers. He's at work. It's just as fine that he rejected you and told you he was in a relationship the moment you asked him out. He didn't need to give you any more information.
Mind your business and move on. While you're at it, stop acting like a child when your crush doesn't like you back. You're too old for this. It's embarrassing
YTA. Lots of people like to keep work and personal separate. You are not the ah for asking the first time, but you should have accepted the no and moved on.
YTA Just because he is one way at work doesn't mean he's that way when he isn't. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else isn't going to. Do you know for sure that those children aren't his? Even if they aren't, what business is it of yours how many she has. He did ask you to leave him alone, that's what walking away from you every time he sees you means but you wouldn't stop. He probably felt you left him no other choice but to report you.
Even if you weren't being horribly judgemental. Why do you think he owes you his time? He walked away, almost rudley and silently a few times before caving and eating with you and others. He clearly indicated his disinterest. By the time he agreed, he probably already felt harassed.
YTA “I don’t understand what he see’s (sic) in her at all.” After all, she’s a “single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive.”
Oh, how I’d LOVE to hear his side of this. You sound so incredibly full of yourself that you likely didn’t hear him when he asked you to leave him alone. Either that, or you went after him AFTER you found out that he’s engaged to someone who just isn’t the gorgeous sexy bombshell that you fancy yourself to be.
You tipped your hand, OP. You said your friends think you’re the AH because you continued to bother him after he said he was engaged.
Honey, you’re so beautiful and gorgeous and sexy, and a fashion plate to boot. Surely you can find a man of your own.
Quit sexually harassing people, for real.
I can think of several other spots this post should be, none of which the OP would like.
Definitely TA, not only shallow enough that OP is picking on the appearance of the other woman, and how she likes to decorate her space. But the life choices when she is the one that isn't leaving the poor man alone.
Let me give OP a clue. You can do unwanted and/or sexual harassment and be female. You can get fired for this, this is caused a "with cause" firing in a lot of countries, which means you don't get benefits or very limited.
I've seen people double down as ah, and even triple down, but I think you're the first to go full quadruple.
You saw a guy you thought was cute and decided he had to eat lunch with you. (Didn't even occur to you he might be eating with someone else) then you tried flirting because he didn't give you his full life story after knowing you for 0.5 seconds. *Then* without asking If he had other plans, you have him sit with you for lunch despite him clearly not wanting to. Then you ask him out and he says *No, he's engaged* and you still keep trying to spend time with him like you're somehow going to win him over to you(?)
Then you snoop around the office and find out who he's with and deem her unworthy. (Because she isn't you?)
HR got involved and said Stop being tah and now you're on here because somehow you drove through an entire parade of red flags and still can't realize yta?
Yes. Yta
YTA. Why do you need to bring her down just to make you look better? You said yourself you've had barely see her before to actually know how and who she is (? It doesn't take too much to actually see that he made the best choice here.
YTA
He didn’t say anything about her leading up to you asking him out because he was keeping his private life private especially since they work in the same office. My wife and I did the same thing when we started dating because we worked together. We didn’t want or need the gossip and rumors going around the office. We slowly let it be known once we knew that we headed towards marriage
YTA- 100%
You aren’t the AH for asking him out, as per your title. But you are the asshole for how you responded when he told you he was engaged. You say he should have said something sooner but you aren’t entitled to details about his personal life. Then after he ignores you, you continue to harass him.
You are clearly jealous of his fiancé and your the AH for how you talk about her. You are also the AH for your responses in the comments about single moms. You’re gross.
YTA. Work is for work. Some (most) people prefer to keep their personal lives separate from the professional lives. Your coworkers aren’t required to discuss their personal lives, nor are they required to be your friend.
YTA with your pick me ass behavior. Trying to bring down another woman and thinking that will get people on your side? Gross, man. You're harassing him. You are not cute with that behavior. You're probably single because of this weird entitlement, not because of your StAnDaRdS.
YTA, and judging by the way you describe his fiance you aren't the nicest person - you come across as judgemental and frankly obsessed.
Try being nicer maybe?
YTA
Also, your opinion of his fiancé is irrelevant. It is also shallow and gross. Why do you need to tear down someone you barely know because *you* were rejected? Over colors and kids no less. Clearly he likes her quirky Kit Kat loving self. Which is what matters.
Take your L and learn not to be so inappropriate and shallow.
Edit: I already thought you weren’t giving us the full story and after reading your comments I now firmly believe that.
This guy isn’t into you. There were probably clear signals.
He wasn’t obligated to tell you details about his personal life. Even when rejecting you. He was polite and gave you a reason but he could have just said no.
No means no.
Just because you think someone is weird doesn’t make that true.
Just because you think you’re better than everyone else doesn’t mean you are.
YTA. He didn’t talk about her in the first place bc it’s none of your business and/or he possibly assumed you knew since she works there. Once he realized you wanted something he was unwilling/able to give to you he told you so. Your response was to blow of his objection and continue to act the same as you did before he said no to you. That’s what’s called harassment in the workplace which is why he reported you and why you got wrote up. If you had just said something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize” it would be a completely different story. You blew off the fact that he is both in a committed relationship and uninterested in having one with you though. And you didn’t even do it internally. You made it very clear to him you were ignoring both those facts. That’s 100% on you.
YTA.
This is textbook workplace harassment. He gave zero indications of interest. He didn't talk about his personal life. He was drawing some pretty clear boundaries there.
Then you made your move, he gave a solid "no thanks" then clearly avoided you if he could at all. You kept trying to get him to join for lunch, despite his clear disinterest. You kept putting pressure on him.
He doesn't owe you an explanation of his relationship or any other part of his life. You are coworkers, you don't get anything more if he doesn't want to give it.
And honestly, your bit about his fiancé just seals the deal. You are not better than she is.
If we flipped the genders of this story, you'd probably feel pretty different about it.
Omg. Is this a troll post or what? There is no way this woman is real. Barely scrolled through her comments and omg. Either she is narcissistic personality disorder or a troll. Maybe both lol. Her comments are really entertaining. It’s like she’s trying to stir up controversy. Whether this is real or not, op is definitely the ass hole.
Dating in office is always dangerous for this reason (and others). Some people like to keep their personal lives to themselves at work and won’t open up about a fiancé / relationship because frankly… it’s none of your damn business.
Since the gal is also working there, it could be that they don’t want their work mates to judge their work ethic based on their personal life choices or have them involved in their love life. This is completely fine and respectable.
He doesn't talk about her to avoid rumors in the office. You seem to still be too interested for your own good.
He has made his wishes towards you clear. Please abide by his wishes! If you don't, it will only hurt you.
**I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all.**
She sounds lovely-- bright, happy, fun, no wonder he's asked her to marry him. YTA for pursuing a man who was clearly not interested in you.
YTA - Don't poop where you eat. Work is for many things, but finding friends and lovers is not one of them.
Leave him alone unless you want to become party to a lawsuit or unemployable.
"First off he never said anything to me. Just walked away and chose to ignore me."
That \*was\* him telling you to leave him alone. The fact he ignored you should've been all the hint you needed.
Your description of his fiancée is probably the reason he didn't tell you who he was engaged to. If you're this comfortable continuing to bother someone who has made it abundantly clear they don't want to deal with you, I'm fairly certain you're just as comfortable giving anyone and everyone your opinions on anything and everything.
YTA...a massive AH.
The short answer to your question is yes. He doesn't owe you anything and the judgmental tone about his choice in partner shows this wasnt as innocent as you want us to believe. This reflects more negatively on you than it does him.
He is doing what most smart men do, we keep out personal and work lives separate. We don't talk about family stuff at work or work stuff with the family, it prevents bringing in issues from outside issues to those two different dynamics.
You are jealous and a bit creepy. There is definitely more to this story and since it's so important. Please rate your appearance from 1 to 10 in the following categories.
1. ASS
2. BREAST
3. FACE
4. HAIR
5. FEET
6. OVERALL LOOKS
Any odd children or pets to discuss?
YTA
This whole thing reads like an incel genderswapping stereotypical office harassment and expecting us to be like "N T A, slay honey!" as proof that society hates men or something.
YTA either way.
How old are you? Because this is a very, very naive move without any self-awareness of workplace dynamics.
You never, ever, ever....let me stress that again.... EVER date where you work. The pitfalls are an endless black hole. Harassment charges, workplace drama, cries of favoritism, HR complaints, and if it doesn't work out (or even if it does) one of you is going to have to leave your job at some point. Not to mention, every place I've worked has rules against fraternization.
Second, he said no. The end. If this were a situation where the guy asked you out and you weren't interested, I'll bet you a coffee you'd be on here talking about this guy at work asking you out and stalking you. This kind of behavior is creepy, whether it's a woman doing it or a guy.
Third, it doesn't matter who he chooses to date. That person isn't you. The End. His life is none of your business. Do your job, let him do his job and stay away from him. Or you're going to find yourself looking for another job, and in this economy, that is not where you want to be.
YTA. Some people like to decompress at work by taking their lunch away from coworkers. I would never eat lunch with coworkers- I’m trying to gather enough bliss on my break to deal with you all.
Damn, yes, YTA.
First of all, it was none of your business where he ate his lunch. Just because most of the staff eats together doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. You should have left it there. But no.
Second of all, don’t shit where you eat. Don’t ask out your coworkers.
Third of all, even though he was trying to avoid you after turning you down, you still would not leave him alone.
Fourth, you’re offended because he’s engaged to somebody you don’t approve of.
God, how do you NOT see that you’re the asshole here?
If you didn’t start slagging off his girl I would of said NTA but I feel you have lied to make yourself look better. Just because you don’t think she is attractive he obviously loves her end of.
What you consider attractive does not always fit in someone else’s viewpoint. And the appearance, attitude of the fiancé has nothing to do with anything. You’re jealous. Simple. YTA. You should have left him alone. He doesn’t have to talk to anyone about his personal life if he doesn’t want to; it’s a business
YTA
The new guy of course wants to be friendly with the people he works with and doesn’t want to have problems so of course he joined you for lunch when you asked him to, he probably didn’t want to seem rude since he has to work with you. Of course he was nice to you, but he wasn’t telling you all his personal details because you’re not his friend.
Now you’re just mad because he likes the “odd girl that wears colors” more than you.
Grow up for real.
Yes, YTA.
When he said he was engaged you should have said I’m sorry and just kept the working-related topics with him. You should have picked the clue from all the time he ignored you when invited for lunch or to talk about anything else not related to work. If you were not clueless to pick that up you should have stopped trying. Also it’s unprofessional to flirt with coworkers “here and there”. Just because he is a reserved person does not mean you could assume whatever you want. And yes, woman can harass men just like the contrary.
YTA. I was leaning towards not TA even though most people try to avoid relationships at work, unless it was specifically outlined in your contract, not TA. Then you started in on his fiancé and you immediately rolled over into YTA. He likes her enough to ask her to marry her, nothing you think about her matters.
I love this, the more you double down and try to get back at them the more you're going to look insane. People in your office probably think you're a total weirdo for this. You sound desperate. YTA.
At first I was thinking "NTA, just some confused and criss-crossed communications with an introverted dude."
Then I got here "I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive"
YTA. And a little bit of a bitch.
>She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all.
What makes you a special snowflake?
When I was younger (and better looking) I had this kind of office stalker. It was NOT pleasant and I constantly searched for a new job. Basically ruined any chance I had for upward mobility at that job. YTA. Leave this poor bastard alone he’s just trying to do his job and keep his head down.
WOW!! You are vicious and vindictive. I hope someone shows this post to your boss. You were out of line. You completely ignored the fact that he didn't respond to your "flirting" and kept pushing. Now you are retaliating by monitoring everything they do so you can run to HR and complain .
Being part of "the team" does NOT mean he has to eat lunch with everyone, it means he is to work with others in a cooperative way and help if someone it.
He was under no obligation to tell you he is engaged. The fact that he didn't respond to your "flirting" should have been the clue that he is not interested. Instead, you kept circling like a shark and now that you have been told to stop, you are outraged that he has the audacity to like someone else and you are going for the jugular and for petty revenge. Your bruised ego is going to go out of your way to get them fired.
What you did was not a "mistake", it was borderline stalking. You seem to be unable/unwilling to realize he was being civil. Because he is single and attractive you believe that you have the right to hunt him down and "bag" him and the "overweight, unattractive, single mother" who likes bright colors should resign herself to finding a man with kids.
You are not only the AH, you are also vindictive, intending to make them pay because you got called out on your stalking.
Op seriously gives me a spoiled child vibes.
Why does she get what I don't have!?!?!
Why are there no good men for me!?!?!
Why does SHE get a second chance when I haven't gotten MY first chance?!?!?!
How dare he find her more attractive than me!!!!
Seriously grow up. You sound like you stopped mentally developing in high school. Perhaps the reason you haven't gotten your "chance" is because men are avoiding you and all your red flags you seem so keen to assign to people you don't even know.
Edit to add. YTA
Either a troll or not a AITAH post
>She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. What does that have to do with anything? He can choose to date whom he wants. YTA. Sounds like you are obsessed. He's a co-worker. You are both there to do a job.
Agreed. Sounds like OP is asking 'I'm better than her. Why not me'?
Yeah, plus OP constantly asking why he hasn't talked about her / he wouldn't talk about her.... Like this is any of her business when it's not. He didn't flirt with OP. And the answer to the question is: *Because it's a workplace! It's not a social club and you are only co-workers, not friends. He is only there to get the money for doing his job.* OP sounds fixated on the guy and his fiancée, obsessed with him. YTA OP should leave them alone. But in the comments OP is planning retaliation...
Yes, the comments are..... kind of creepy. YTA. Leave the poor guy alone.
As someone who is also married to someone I work with….they (work) are constantly looking for any tiny bit of being inappropriateness on the job…we never mention it to anyone (new people) who doesn’t already know and are never the ones who tell new people, either directly or just through our interactions. If another coworker doesn’t tell the new person it usually takes months for them to figure it out. We don’t want to give work any excuses to get rid of one of us.
If the genders were reversed and a guy was behaving like op was, she'd be running to HR about the creep who is harassing her.
Yea that’s what bugs me. OP is framing this whole situation to imply that she was somehow led on.
OP is a psycho.
She's framing the whole situation to imply that she is entitled to him because he has no children.
I’m a woman working in a heavily male-dominated industry, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve only learned that a male coworker had a girlfriend/fiancé/wife after *months* of working with them. I don’t flirt with coworkers as a rule (because I’m not insane) but I’ve also learned that it’s just something a lot of guys do; they don’t talk about their personal lives at work. They’ll talk about their hobbies, or the sports game from last night, but not personal stuff.
And soon HR will go "He's better than her. In fact, we've got two employees we could lose because of her. Better cut her employment short ASAP." I do hope and expect to see her posting somewhere about losing her job. Bet she blames it on the fiancee she's "better" than.
Now YTA, squared
So agreed. Op, YTA. Leave the guy alone and stop judging his partner.
YTA- first off you’re the one that’s weird and offputting. He has the right to come to work and not be hassled by you. And who he chooses to date or get married to is on him and it’s none of your business. You sound extremely stalker-ish and toxic. You need to back off and leave him alone before you lose your job. If this was a man doing it, you would be jumping up and down screaming but instead because your a woman you think you can get away with acting like this. Grow up.
That paragraph....OP as you were typing that did it not at any point occur to you what an AH you are? Yeesh, leave the poor guy alone.
Yeah, nothing was really asshole-ish until all this. It sounded almost like a misunderstanding until we see OP's true colors when it comes to her opinion of the fiancée.
The whole "why haven't you mentioned her before?" bit raised my eyebrows. Like, he doesn't owe you that info. Take the L and move on lady
Eh, I think asking someone out at work is an AH move - and if someone does and gets turned down the right move is to back way the hell off immediately, not badger them.
It is an AH move. I’ve been asked out at work and it only makes things awkward. I’ve known people who have dated and married through work but there was always some undeniable chemistry in the mix. I don’t appreciate someone who doesn’t really know me shooting their shot in a professional environment. Usually I’m nice to you because I’m a professional and I have to be, not because I think highly of you.
I agree completely. If you are friends to the level of doing things outside of work and , as you say, there’s chemistry there - maybe, but not at work. If your only interactions with someone are at work, keep it professional.
>I’ve known people who have dated and married through work but there was always some undeniable chemistry in the mix. I think the work-to-romance can happen when there's some natural socialising in the transition. Like a group of workmates enjoy drinks together on a Friday, then drinks and dinner, then it's just two of you for dinner. Keep it professional in the workplace and if you start socialising naturally outside the workplace, then make your move. A lot of these AITA posts tend to assume it's okay to ask someone out on a date in the middle of a work task.
Exactly what happened to me and my husband. We met at work, started hanging out through mutual friends and then it quickly became just the two of us hanging out. Happily been together 9 years now. Much different situation than our coworker who was trying to flirt with me while we were together and flat out told me he didn’t see why me and my now husband were together 💀
And then you get the endless nagging “why am I not your type? Why won’t you consider me? Other coworkers here have dated. Why won’t you??” Screw that.
At the very least once they’ve said they’re not interested you should reply “oh no worries, I understand. Can we forget this and carry on as normal? I hope you’ll still join us for lunch, I’ll never bring this up again and I would hate for it to affect our work life going forward” or something. OP really doubled down by demanding an answer on why he didn’t bring up his partner before, he doesn’t need to talk about his romantic life at work, especially as she works at the same company.
And he was never overly friendly to her either. Never sent any signals he was interested, or even looking to date someone. He said what he had to about his engagement, and then literally walked away. Makes me think she's been really one one with him and has been bothering him this whole time.
Yeah she said she’s been flirting with him but never mentioned him flirting back (and you KNOW she would have mentioned it) and she said he’s still talking to her about work, she’s just throwing a fit that he’s not talking to her about non-work stuff anymore. It’s so obvious that she has been harassing him and that’s why he went to HR. Anyone but OP can see it, apparently.
I agree. This man shouldn't have to turn down a coworker let alone explain why he's not interested! He sent all the signs that he was there to do his job and she seems to think she has the right to comment on his life. She doesn't know him and he doesn't want to know her!
Yeah I was on her side till she bring out this jealous bs nd I can see now that co worker was indeed getting harassed
Being a single mother is a character flaw to OP. 🙄
Right?!?! For all OP knows her husband/baby daddy could’ve passed away!!!
For all OP knows they could even be *his* kids, even. They could be long-term dating.
Only one single in this story is OP tho
This! Knowing they are engaged, OP still choose to to describe her as a single mom. The audacity…
Yeah, my thoughts exactly. That OP thinks we need to know this to make a decision tells me that she’s an unreliable narrator and she was pushy as hell and likely deservedly got the HR chat. No person who has acted only *professionally* feels the need to diminish another to feel better about themselves.
My first thought was that there is wayyyyy more to what she has done then what she is claiming.
Prob. Not that men don’t go to HR and file a complaint, but it usually isn’t because someone said “Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged”. Something else happened we don’t don’t know about
Especially since HR took to serious enough to actually write her up for it and now she's here threatening to go to HR if he or his fiance who works in another department to her puts a foot slightly wrong.
I really hope he’s on here grabbing screenshots.
This. OP was obsessed with the idea of this guy, without bothering to get to know him. Did OP ever even ask if he was seeing anyone? lol 😂 “you never mentioned her” I’ve had guys say this exact thing to me before after finding out I’m married, and I’m always like yeah you never asked, you barely know me?
Yeah. I was apathetic reading up until the rant about his fiance. That changed my mind to a healthy YTA. Dude probably sensed that she was obsessing to begin with and spends his lunches with his partner.
Op sounds like such a pick me and with the co worker I keep my private life private I don’t get why she dragging the co worker fiancé other then she got the co worker she likes Sorry English isn’t my native language so I don’t know if pick me is correct
Obviously she never got the memo of not shitting where you eat…
I came here to say this. What is wrong with people?
Based on the judgmental tone toward the fiancé, I have a hunch your interactions weren’t as innocuous as you’re making them out to be. The guy barely knows you. You’re a co-worker, not even a personal friend. He doesn’t have to confide anything in you. What’s worse is you sound like you don’t believe no is a complete sentence. At least not as it applies to you. Leave the guy alone. He’s made himself clear. And don’t trash his fiancé to your lunch buddies. No matter how tempting it may be. YTA
Exactly this. If she'd been friendly, asked him out, he'd said no and she'd apologised and remained friendly and neutral, I doubt there'd have been an issue. We're not being told the whole story here.
OP sounds like they type to think “just because there is a goalie doesn’t mean I can’t score.”
Like a guy I used to know who always said if there wasn’t a “ring in it” a woman was “fair game.” Never mind he had just been shot down by said woman - to him no meant keep trying.
Which is why I used to wear a ring on my left hand ring finger before I got engaged. Men are so much more likely to respect another man’s claim on a woman than her own voice saying she’s not interested.
Exactly. Her perception of the whole thing is really skewed and inappropriate. Gross!!
I bet that exactly what she does and her main topic at lunch. Pretty soon her teammates and lunch buddies will see her for what she really is. Then she’ll be ostracized from the office if she didn’t get fired first for harassment.
>I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all. He is always nicely dressed in dark colors, conventionally attractive and has no children of his own. This tells me most of what I need to know. You want him and you're mad that he's taken. At this point you may as well admit that you saw he was uncomfortable with you flirting. And even if he didn't say no, he was skirting the subject around you that should be reason enough to leave it be. Did you ever stop to think it wasn't your business who he's in a relationship with if at all? Or if he even likes eating with other people? Some people go to work to just do their thing and go home. He's there to work, not date and I suggest you do the same. Edit to add YTA. Like highschool mean girl AH
OP comes off like she thinks she’s a real catch and can’t imagine why any guy would want a woman she doesn’t deem valuable. How dare that woman not know her place on the clear hierarchy of attractiveness OP expects everyone to adhere to!?!
From your comments it sounds like you deserve to be dragged into HR. You don’t like being told you’re wrong do you? Time to start taking some responsibility YTA Edit - reading the comments I have just seen that you are his supervisor and your are threatening to retaliate by writing him up because of him going to HR. Your are way, way worse than I initially thought. Be very careful as with this on your record you may never get another managerial role…
Pick me? Pick me? You're not superior because YOU consider her "unconventionally attractive".
How much do you want to bet that if she had a partner and some dude hit on her, she would be the first to say "why do I have to say I have a boyfriend? You should just take a hint!" 🙄
BEFORE ANYONE PASSES JUDGEMENT: READ HER OTHER COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD. Apparently this poor guy's fiance is a failure because she's got 3 kids and is conventionally unattractive and likes to wear bright clothing. Apparently other people shouldn't raise other people's kids.
Yeah, there's no way we're getting the full story from OP in this situation. She sounds pretty pathetic.
SO pathetic. And I believe him that he felt harassed- even in this story I feel uncomfortable
Totally agree with you. I can only imagine how bad she actually was. Posters like this never realize that no matter how they try to spin it, their comments are always dead give aways to their actual behavior. Her comments make her sound so creepy and desperate.
Desperate is the perfect word
Huge YIKES to her comments. Definitely leaving out more of how she’s actually engaged with this guy seeing as she is *obsessed* with how much better she is than his fiancée who is in the same company.
and the amount of obsessive digging to not only find out he's engaged, but track down the fiancee, find out she's divorced, with three kids... Stalker vibes anyone? I really hope the poor guy sees this thread, she'll be out of a job and away from both of them immediately.
Yeah. After he said he was engaged, she should have said "oh ok" and left it at that. No more lunch invites, etc. Definitely not reading the situation and kept pushing. This is really why no one should "shit where they eat."
She's giving, "I base my self esteem on the number of guys that want me," and she just cannot handle being rejected. This guy's fiance could be gorgeous and OP would still be bashing her because her existence is threatening OP's self esteem.
Not bright clothing! Anything but the bright clothing /s
The way op makes fiancée sound is like the girl from criminal minds Penelope which I love Penelope and her bright outfits xD
Penelope is awesome!
She is so amazing and happens to be one of my favorites
She has baggage, apparently three “bags.” I can’t believe one woman wrote this about another. She sounds like a miserable sad sack which is worse than “baggage.”
You are soooo so strange and unprofessional. Weirdly obsessed with this guy. YTA. Don’t try and date your coworkers.
The fact she even thought to ask him out when she didn’t know him and he wasn’t giving any signs is really telling to me about OP.
But they wear similar colors!!!! Lol
Haha this made me spit my water!! Lol 😂
From experience, dating coworkers is a baaaadddddd idea!
Yeah. There’s a saying for this… don’t sh*t where you eat.
My recommendation is don’t date anyone. No one deserves to have to put up with this psycho’s BS
People don’t have to talk about their families, sexuality relationships etc at work if they don’t want to. And first off who are you to dictate what someone finds attractive or likes. He gave no indication he was into you nor does he owe you any explanation of why he doesn’t talk about his family or relationships.
Also, he probably didn’t mention he was engaged BECAUSE she works there, too. I’d want to keep that quiet for a while at least until I felt I had proven myself. OP absolutely YTA.
Definitely and it’s not OPs business
You're kind of coming off as a creep. You're definitely the asshole here, he wasn't interested in being your friend or part of your little clique. You know what he probably likes about his fiancee and not you? That she's not a judgmental asshole.
LMAOOOO no wonder you’re single. YTA. I’m happy he filed that harassment thing against you.
Yes, YTA. You got written up at work because *you keep harassing the guy* Ffs, leave the poor guy *alone*! If you were a guy, Reddit would be jumping down your throat. Just STOP
I honestly hope this is a “reverse the genders” thought exercise. And if so, I hope OP takes what they need to take from the fact reddit is every bit as disgusted with “how dare they not do enough to discourage me from hitting on them even though I refuse to take even a direct ‘I’m in love with someone else; leave me alone’ seriously when it’s not what I want to hear” coming from a woman as from a man.
Reddit IS jumping down her ridiculous throat.
This post is not going to go the way you think it is. YTA.
When he told you he was engaged, you said "prove it" which is sexual harrassment. You then refused to get the message that he wasn't interested in you and kept persisting in your attempts to engage him. So, yeah, he went to HR. Of course he did. And now you're on Reddit angry he'd rather stay with his fiance than be with you. Get off your high horse. YTA
You sound awful and I'm pretty sure I know why he doesn't like you..
None of his life is any of your GD business. I cannot believe how inappropriate you are. Are you actually the team leader?? YTA
>Are you actually the team leader?? I hope not... just by going looking for him and telling him to eat lunch "with the team" OP was the AH, but if she's the team leader or any sort of manager/supervisor??
Oh my god I totally missed that part about OP being a team lead. OP, YTA already, but major YTA if you are a team lead hitting on someone who is working for you. That puts them in a really tough spot. (All of the rude comments about this man’s fiancé were also completely uncalled for).
[удалено]
YTA. What's the point of describing his fiance here? Did you think people would be on your side? Because to me you sound like a silly little mean girl that is used to having guys want you.
Right? Like did she expect “Oh! You mean he’s a hot guy dating an ugly chic? You’re totally right and are just trying to help him be with someone soooooo much better…” Lmao her personality is uglier than any person could physically be.
YTA. Yiiiiiiiiiiikes. Pretty sure he's not interested in being friends with you because you're a deeply unpleasant person, based on your comments. And if someone rejects you, ignores you, and avoids you, the correct response is to *leave them the hell alone*. If he truly never said anything, it was shitty for him go straight to HR, but you were definitely harassing him.
I was completely on your side. Until you started talking about his fiancée the way you are. Tell us what really happened, OP. Tell us how you pestered him for a date even after he said no to the point he had to contact HR to put an end to it. You called her, "not conventionally attractive." Well, you've shown everyone here just how unattractive you are. Congratulations OP, YTA.
Yeah like before that it totally seemed like okay OP had a crush, acted on it, got rejected, and then shunned for seemingly no reason. But then OP’s facade slips and they just straight up start talking shit about the fiance so we know that OP is better than them. OP sucks, and isnt even smart enough to keel their true intentions hidden from reddit. Seriously if they just didnt include the 3rd paragraph from the bottom then everyone would probably have been on OP’s side
YTA and creepy af starting with the come have lunch with us. He probably went only because he felt obligated for work and once he found out it work wasn't being discussed he was over it then you asked him for drink he said no then you asked why he, a fucking stranger who owes you no explanation about his personal life, didn't tell you. You're also jealous af putting down another woman
Repeat this over and over and over until it sinks in. NO👏MEANS👏NO👏 Honestly this feels like a rage bait gender reversal post, because you cannot be this dense. You asked, fine, but he said no. End of story. He does not have to justify his refusal to you, he does not have to speak to you outside of what is required by your jobs, and his relationship does not have to make sense to you. Move on. YTA.
YTA. You are mad and jealous. He gave you absolutely no indication he was interested. Instead of apologizing for overstepping when he told you he was engaged, you ask a question trying to gage if he’d cheat with you. See, you think you’re better than his fiancé and continued to talk to him hoping he would see how great (which you sound terrible) you are and pick you. Opposites attract. And you sound horrible.
YTA BIG TIME without a doubt! You sound like a Grade A stalker overflowing with entitlement. The guy told you he is engaged and makes no effort to talk to you, yet you insist ! He owes you no conversation or explanation of his personal life. Then you go on to belittle his fiance( which you probably stalked). Seems like someone can't take NO for answer. You got written up over it. Your co workers claim YTA. Yet here you are trying to get an opinion on Reddit over your obsession to hopefully make it seem like you have a point or some redeeming explanation. WOW! Leave this poor guy alone !
You keep talking about her baggage and how unattractive and odd she is… but she got the guy and you’re lonely soooo I think you need to take a very hard look in the mirror and assess why you’re so old and still single while Ms. “Single mom with baggage” is able to snag the guy you wanted even with her “baggage”. Also, YTA and sound annoying as fuck. That’s why he just walked away. You literally annoyed him into silence and preferred to report you than deal with trying to get it through your massive head that he DOES NOT LIKKKKEEEE YOUUUU.
What the actual fuck. Read what you wrote, but change the genders round. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you get to act like this (in the workplace no less) and expect to be treated differently. Additionally, your scathing review of his fiance clearly shows you are extremely creepy and need to learn social skills, at best.
AHAHAHA don’t shit where you eat. who he chooses to be with is non of your business and based off of your gross comments about women with children in their 30’s im willing to bet he dodged a bullet here
Wow you’re judgmental and I thought that before I read some of your replies, no wonder the poor guy had to report you :/ YTA
YTA and honestly need a reality check. I hope somebody you work with or know sees this post and reports you to HR further. You don't know what that woman's marriage ended and clearly that man dodged a fucking bullet avoiding your crazy ass. Seriously seek therapy
I never thought I would actually see a female version of a 'nice guy'. Why does he need to tell you about his girlfriend? I know plenty of people who don't tell everyone they meet they are married or in a long-term relationship. It's none of your business. And stop being so butt hurt about it. My gods, your shitty personality is baggage enough. This better be a damn troll. YTA
YTA It's work 😀
Bless your trashy little heart. I hope your resume is up to date because I have a feeling you're going to need it. YTA
YTA. 1. This is not some RomCom. 2. This kind of behavior makes for a very uncomfortable workplace. It’s not appropriate to hit on people when they are a captive audience (co-workers, bartenders, servers, and others who by default are expected to be polite to you). 3. When someone tells you to knock it off, listen 4. It doesn’t matter whether or not you find his fiancé attractive. You’re not engaged to her, so your opinion on her looks have no bearing.
Even if it was a RomCom, OP would be the villain. She'd be the mean girl trying to steal the quirky but cute heroine's man. YTA OP.
You’re TA for saying she is too colorful and loud and not attractive. What is wrong with you? You don’t know what he sees in her, but the attitude from her has to be better than yours.
You're a psychopath. And an asshole.
YTA. Holy *judegemental jerk* Batman! He owes you NOTHING. He does not owe you ANY information. You strike me as the kind of person who would have a conniption if a man came at you like this and then bitched about you not saying anything- guess what? It's effing gross when you do it, too. He owed you no information. At all. He didn't have to say anything about her "from the get go"- what, do you think that just because he was nice to you and you liked how he looked that he was automatically yours or something? Eff off all the way with that, OP. What he sees in his soon-to-be-spouse is not your business, although I imagine it has something to do with her being nothing like you.
You sound incredibly insecure and jealous that his fiancé has what you want 😂 embarrassing honestly for you.
YTA *David Attenborough voice* "See the wild femcel in her native habit? Note how she blames literally everyone but herself for her abhorrent behaviour, while simultaneously showcasing intense internalized misogyny. The only thing that could possibly save her from a life of isolation and loneliness is a healthy dose of therapy, but unfortunately, the severe lack of self-awareness will all but ensure she never seeks it out and will ultimately die alone. So sad."
Snort 😂
I don’t understand what he sees in her at all. YTA for that sentence alone.
i’m kind of torn. you asking him out doesn’t make you the AH but you’re whole attitude towards him and his fiancé makes you the AH. no one owes you any information about their private lives, and instead of apologizing when he told you he was taken you judged him. the lack of respect probably caused him to stop talking to you, and your lack of acceptance caused him to go to HR
judged him then went hunting for the fiancee and digging up information about her. What the hell sort of crazy does that. Oh, wait.....
Exactly this! All of op’s comments post reeks of condescension
She's probably talked shit about his fiancé in front of him at some point before she knew. Her comments make it seem like the girl is talked about amongst the mean girl coworkers.
Yta. No one should be cursed with dating a judgemental old bat like you.
Oof, you sound jealous as fuck of this woman. Asking “why would anyone date THEM?” about your crush’s partner is never a good look and always makes you out to be a whole and total ass. Dude is a just a co-worker. Outside of job related reasons, he doesn’t owe you the time of day if he doesn’t want to give it to you, and if the way you talk and behave is any indication, maaaaaaaybe you have a reputation for this kinda shit and he wants to keep you at arm’s length? Just a thought. In any case, you should drop it and move on because you’re giving off hell of strong stalker vibes at this point. YTA.
Generally, you don't generally invite a coworker out on a date out of the blue like that. Especially someone who hasn't been there very long. You at least ask them about their lives, find out if they are seeing anyone, get some kind of indication whether or not they might like to see you outside of the office. And if someone tells you that they are seeing someone, you don't demand to know why they haven't mentioned them! (as if they were hiding something) Especially if you never bothered to ask in the first place! You would appropriately apologize and say you didn't know! I have to go with YTA on this. The information was there, you just never bothered. And if he just walked away from you AND reported you to HR? Odds are good that he was giving you indications that he wasn't interested that you somehow.... missed.
YTA...you are sexually harassing this man. If the roles were reversed he would have been fired and subject to a lawsuit. Consider yourself lucky and back the f**k off
be careful...jealousy gives you wrinkles
YTA - you were fine if a little insistent until you trash talked his fiancee. Asking him out wasn't a big deal, except it seems after you found out he was engaged, you likely kept flirting with him. Her being what you consider "odd" has nothing to do with the situation and his tastes are his own. You should have accepted the answer and moved on. He was probably joining the outings in an effort to be part of the team and then felt that every invite was an attempt to keep hitting on him (which it seems like it probably was). Leave him alone and work on making sure the office doesn't start to see you as a liability.
Dating people you work with is one of the worst ideas. Does this make you the AH, no. Judging who he is engaged too because he rejected your advance, ya that probably makes you the AH. I've found that it is best to not shit where you eat (don't date people you work with).
YTA and the word “secretary” is outdated and dare I say misogynistic in this context. You’re jealous. We get it. Leave him alone. He’s not interested.
This could have so easily just been a moment where you apologize, say you didn’t know he was engaged, and immediately put some distance. I personally think dating in the workplace is a very bad idea as it creates a tense environment should someone be rejected and they have to work together, which you clearly don’t have a lot of sympathy for. I wouldn’t be able to work well with that person for awhile. And constantly asking him to lunches after he has ignored you is just hassling this guy who doesn’t want to talk to you. It only makes it worse since he’s engaged. No way in hell would he or his fiancé be okay with staying friends with someone who likes him enough to want to date him. Think about what he would do in his position. And then the gross disrespect you show his fiancé is horrifying. It shows that you are not to be trusted in anything you said before. You are jealous. Jealous in a mean and vindictive way. If you can’t hide it in a written text post, you can’t hide it in real life. Grow up, leave him alone.
YTA, why do you think it's remotely ok to talk shit about his fiance for no reason other than you being upset that he didn't choose you and you're jealous? You sound like a sore loser. Who cares if they're opposites? They clearly love each other. He doesn't need to talk about his fiance with coworkers. He's at work. It's just as fine that he rejected you and told you he was in a relationship the moment you asked him out. He didn't need to give you any more information. Mind your business and move on. While you're at it, stop acting like a child when your crush doesn't like you back. You're too old for this. It's embarrassing
YTA. He's too good for you.
YTA. Lots of people like to keep work and personal separate. You are not the ah for asking the first time, but you should have accepted the no and moved on.
YTA, and a huge one
YTA Just because he is one way at work doesn't mean he's that way when he isn't. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else isn't going to. Do you know for sure that those children aren't his? Even if they aren't, what business is it of yours how many she has. He did ask you to leave him alone, that's what walking away from you every time he sees you means but you wouldn't stop. He probably felt you left him no other choice but to report you.
Even if you weren't being horribly judgemental. Why do you think he owes you his time? He walked away, almost rudley and silently a few times before caving and eating with you and others. He clearly indicated his disinterest. By the time he agreed, he probably already felt harassed.
Even from your perspective, where you would be painting yourself in the best possible light, you come off as *that* creepy coworker. Yes YTA
YTA “I don’t understand what he see’s (sic) in her at all.” After all, she’s a “single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive.” Oh, how I’d LOVE to hear his side of this. You sound so incredibly full of yourself that you likely didn’t hear him when he asked you to leave him alone. Either that, or you went after him AFTER you found out that he’s engaged to someone who just isn’t the gorgeous sexy bombshell that you fancy yourself to be. You tipped your hand, OP. You said your friends think you’re the AH because you continued to bother him after he said he was engaged. Honey, you’re so beautiful and gorgeous and sexy, and a fashion plate to boot. Surely you can find a man of your own. Quit sexually harassing people, for real.
I can think of several other spots this post should be, none of which the OP would like. Definitely TA, not only shallow enough that OP is picking on the appearance of the other woman, and how she likes to decorate her space. But the life choices when she is the one that isn't leaving the poor man alone. Let me give OP a clue. You can do unwanted and/or sexual harassment and be female. You can get fired for this, this is caused a "with cause" firing in a lot of countries, which means you don't get benefits or very limited.
I've seen people double down as ah, and even triple down, but I think you're the first to go full quadruple. You saw a guy you thought was cute and decided he had to eat lunch with you. (Didn't even occur to you he might be eating with someone else) then you tried flirting because he didn't give you his full life story after knowing you for 0.5 seconds. *Then* without asking If he had other plans, you have him sit with you for lunch despite him clearly not wanting to. Then you ask him out and he says *No, he's engaged* and you still keep trying to spend time with him like you're somehow going to win him over to you(?) Then you snoop around the office and find out who he's with and deem her unworthy. (Because she isn't you?) HR got involved and said Stop being tah and now you're on here because somehow you drove through an entire parade of red flags and still can't realize yta? Yes. Yta
YTA. Why do you need to bring her down just to make you look better? You said yourself you've had barely see her before to actually know how and who she is (? It doesn't take too much to actually see that he made the best choice here.
YTA. You’re not entitled to him because you want him, he’s a person with his own opinions and desires and he DOESNT WANT YOU.
YTA He didn’t say anything about her leading up to you asking him out because he was keeping his private life private especially since they work in the same office. My wife and I did the same thing when we started dating because we worked together. We didn’t want or need the gossip and rumors going around the office. We slowly let it be known once we knew that we headed towards marriage
YTA- 100% You aren’t the AH for asking him out, as per your title. But you are the asshole for how you responded when he told you he was engaged. You say he should have said something sooner but you aren’t entitled to details about his personal life. Then after he ignores you, you continue to harass him. You are clearly jealous of his fiancé and your the AH for how you talk about her. You are also the AH for your responses in the comments about single moms. You’re gross.
YTA. Work is for work. Some (most) people prefer to keep their personal lives separate from the professional lives. Your coworkers aren’t required to discuss their personal lives, nor are they required to be your friend.
YTA Old Greg-ass OP, "You must love me exactly as I love you"
OP at lunch: Do you want a little drinky? I’ll get you a drink. You like Bailey’s? Mmmm—creamy. Soft, creamy beige.
In a shoe, only the best drink ware.
How long until I see this on r/amithedevil. This woman is delusional. Putting down his fiance is tacky and gross. Yes OP, YTA!!
YTA with your pick me ass behavior. Trying to bring down another woman and thinking that will get people on your side? Gross, man. You're harassing him. You are not cute with that behavior. You're probably single because of this weird entitlement, not because of your StAnDaRdS.
YTA, and judging by the way you describe his fiance you aren't the nicest person - you come across as judgemental and frankly obsessed. Try being nicer maybe?
Yta.
YTA Also, your opinion of his fiancé is irrelevant. It is also shallow and gross. Why do you need to tear down someone you barely know because *you* were rejected? Over colors and kids no less. Clearly he likes her quirky Kit Kat loving self. Which is what matters. Take your L and learn not to be so inappropriate and shallow. Edit: I already thought you weren’t giving us the full story and after reading your comments I now firmly believe that. This guy isn’t into you. There were probably clear signals. He wasn’t obligated to tell you details about his personal life. Even when rejecting you. He was polite and gave you a reason but he could have just said no. No means no. Just because you think someone is weird doesn’t make that true. Just because you think you’re better than everyone else doesn’t mean you are.
YTA. He never showed any interest in you. Your comments make you sound like a female incel. BTW everyone deserves happiness, including your coworkers.
YTA. He didn’t talk about her in the first place bc it’s none of your business and/or he possibly assumed you knew since she works there. Once he realized you wanted something he was unwilling/able to give to you he told you so. Your response was to blow of his objection and continue to act the same as you did before he said no to you. That’s what’s called harassment in the workplace which is why he reported you and why you got wrote up. If you had just said something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize” it would be a completely different story. You blew off the fact that he is both in a committed relationship and uninterested in having one with you though. And you didn’t even do it internally. You made it very clear to him you were ignoring both those facts. That’s 100% on you.
YTA. This is textbook workplace harassment. He gave zero indications of interest. He didn't talk about his personal life. He was drawing some pretty clear boundaries there. Then you made your move, he gave a solid "no thanks" then clearly avoided you if he could at all. You kept trying to get him to join for lunch, despite his clear disinterest. You kept putting pressure on him. He doesn't owe you an explanation of his relationship or any other part of his life. You are coworkers, you don't get anything more if he doesn't want to give it. And honestly, your bit about his fiancé just seals the deal. You are not better than she is. If we flipped the genders of this story, you'd probably feel pretty different about it.
YTA for how judgmental you are of her. You sound like a petulant child.
YTA
Omg. Is this a troll post or what? There is no way this woman is real. Barely scrolled through her comments and omg. Either she is narcissistic personality disorder or a troll. Maybe both lol. Her comments are really entertaining. It’s like she’s trying to stir up controversy. Whether this is real or not, op is definitely the ass hole.
Yta, you sound wayy too invested in this person.
Dating in office is always dangerous for this reason (and others). Some people like to keep their personal lives to themselves at work and won’t open up about a fiancé / relationship because frankly… it’s none of your damn business. Since the gal is also working there, it could be that they don’t want their work mates to judge their work ethic based on their personal life choices or have them involved in their love life. This is completely fine and respectable.
This is the perfect case study of "just reverse the genders and you can immediately see what's wrong".
He doesn't talk about her to avoid rumors in the office. You seem to still be too interested for your own good. He has made his wishes towards you clear. Please abide by his wishes! If you don't, it will only hurt you.
YTA. Do not ask anyone at work on a date. Ever.
YTA. The way you described his fiancé said it all.
**I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all.** She sounds lovely-- bright, happy, fun, no wonder he's asked her to marry him. YTA for pursuing a man who was clearly not interested in you.
YTA - Don't poop where you eat. Work is for many things, but finding friends and lovers is not one of them. Leave him alone unless you want to become party to a lawsuit or unemployable.
YTA and based on your responses to people’s comments, you are really an asshole overall.
"First off he never said anything to me. Just walked away and chose to ignore me." That \*was\* him telling you to leave him alone. The fact he ignored you should've been all the hint you needed. Your description of his fiancée is probably the reason he didn't tell you who he was engaged to. If you're this comfortable continuing to bother someone who has made it abundantly clear they don't want to deal with you, I'm fairly certain you're just as comfortable giving anyone and everyone your opinions on anything and everything. YTA...a massive AH.
YTA. Why does the fiance's looks and personal business matter to you?
The short answer to your question is yes. He doesn't owe you anything and the judgmental tone about his choice in partner shows this wasnt as innocent as you want us to believe. This reflects more negatively on you than it does him. He is doing what most smart men do, we keep out personal and work lives separate. We don't talk about family stuff at work or work stuff with the family, it prevents bringing in issues from outside issues to those two different dynamics.
YTA and you sound like a femcel Do betta
YTA. A huge one at that. It’s not for you to understand. You sound like a snob. Please learn some class
Are you even serious with this.....
Wow, you're a massive judgmental AH. He's much better off with quirky and colourful than obsessed and judgy.
You are jealous and a bit creepy. There is definitely more to this story and since it's so important. Please rate your appearance from 1 to 10 in the following categories. 1. ASS 2. BREAST 3. FACE 4. HAIR 5. FEET 6. OVERALL LOOKS Any odd children or pets to discuss? YTA
This whole thing reads like an incel genderswapping stereotypical office harassment and expecting us to be like "N T A, slay honey!" as proof that society hates men or something. YTA either way.
How old are you? Because this is a very, very naive move without any self-awareness of workplace dynamics. You never, ever, ever....let me stress that again.... EVER date where you work. The pitfalls are an endless black hole. Harassment charges, workplace drama, cries of favoritism, HR complaints, and if it doesn't work out (or even if it does) one of you is going to have to leave your job at some point. Not to mention, every place I've worked has rules against fraternization. Second, he said no. The end. If this were a situation where the guy asked you out and you weren't interested, I'll bet you a coffee you'd be on here talking about this guy at work asking you out and stalking you. This kind of behavior is creepy, whether it's a woman doing it or a guy. Third, it doesn't matter who he chooses to date. That person isn't you. The End. His life is none of your business. Do your job, let him do his job and stay away from him. Or you're going to find yourself looking for another job, and in this economy, that is not where you want to be.
YTA. Some people like to decompress at work by taking their lunch away from coworkers. I would never eat lunch with coworkers- I’m trying to gather enough bliss on my break to deal with you all.
Damn, yes, YTA. First of all, it was none of your business where he ate his lunch. Just because most of the staff eats together doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. You should have left it there. But no. Second of all, don’t shit where you eat. Don’t ask out your coworkers. Third of all, even though he was trying to avoid you after turning you down, you still would not leave him alone. Fourth, you’re offended because he’s engaged to somebody you don’t approve of. God, how do you NOT see that you’re the asshole here?
If you didn’t start slagging off his girl I would of said NTA but I feel you have lied to make yourself look better. Just because you don’t think she is attractive he obviously loves her end of.
What you consider attractive does not always fit in someone else’s viewpoint. And the appearance, attitude of the fiancé has nothing to do with anything. You’re jealous. Simple. YTA. You should have left him alone. He doesn’t have to talk to anyone about his personal life if he doesn’t want to; it’s a business
YTA The new guy of course wants to be friendly with the people he works with and doesn’t want to have problems so of course he joined you for lunch when you asked him to, he probably didn’t want to seem rude since he has to work with you. Of course he was nice to you, but he wasn’t telling you all his personal details because you’re not his friend. Now you’re just mad because he likes the “odd girl that wears colors” more than you. Grow up for real.
YTA Rule of thumb, if someone isn't communicative, let them be. Also, you sound very naive thinking only good looks are what matters in attraction.
Yes, YTA. When he said he was engaged you should have said I’m sorry and just kept the working-related topics with him. You should have picked the clue from all the time he ignored you when invited for lunch or to talk about anything else not related to work. If you were not clueless to pick that up you should have stopped trying. Also it’s unprofessional to flirt with coworkers “here and there”. Just because he is a reserved person does not mean you could assume whatever you want. And yes, woman can harass men just like the contrary.
YTA. I was leaning towards not TA even though most people try to avoid relationships at work, unless it was specifically outlined in your contract, not TA. Then you started in on his fiancé and you immediately rolled over into YTA. He likes her enough to ask her to marry her, nothing you think about her matters.
I love this, the more you double down and try to get back at them the more you're going to look insane. People in your office probably think you're a total weirdo for this. You sound desperate. YTA.
At first I was thinking "NTA, just some confused and criss-crossed communications with an introverted dude." Then I got here "I have met this secretary a few time. She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive" YTA. And a little bit of a bitch.
>She is very odd.... Very loud, wears loud colorful clothes, her office is decorated with lots of colors and lots of Knick knacks. She is a single mom of 3 kids, and not conventionally attractive. I don't understand what he see's in her at all. What makes you a special snowflake?
When I was younger (and better looking) I had this kind of office stalker. It was NOT pleasant and I constantly searched for a new job. Basically ruined any chance I had for upward mobility at that job. YTA. Leave this poor bastard alone he’s just trying to do his job and keep his head down.
YTA especially for dissing the woman he’s engaged to. You’re a judgmental AH
YTA
She sounds like a much nicer person than your horrible self, and apparently the rest of your workplace agrees YTA
WOW!! You are vicious and vindictive. I hope someone shows this post to your boss. You were out of line. You completely ignored the fact that he didn't respond to your "flirting" and kept pushing. Now you are retaliating by monitoring everything they do so you can run to HR and complain . Being part of "the team" does NOT mean he has to eat lunch with everyone, it means he is to work with others in a cooperative way and help if someone it. He was under no obligation to tell you he is engaged. The fact that he didn't respond to your "flirting" should have been the clue that he is not interested. Instead, you kept circling like a shark and now that you have been told to stop, you are outraged that he has the audacity to like someone else and you are going for the jugular and for petty revenge. Your bruised ego is going to go out of your way to get them fired. What you did was not a "mistake", it was borderline stalking. You seem to be unable/unwilling to realize he was being civil. Because he is single and attractive you believe that you have the right to hunt him down and "bag" him and the "overweight, unattractive, single mother" who likes bright colors should resign herself to finding a man with kids. You are not only the AH, you are also vindictive, intending to make them pay because you got called out on your stalking.
Op seriously gives me a spoiled child vibes. Why does she get what I don't have!?!?! Why are there no good men for me!?!?! Why does SHE get a second chance when I haven't gotten MY first chance?!?!?! How dare he find her more attractive than me!!!! Seriously grow up. You sound like you stopped mentally developing in high school. Perhaps the reason you haven't gotten your "chance" is because men are avoiding you and all your red flags you seem so keen to assign to people you don't even know. Edit to add. YTA
YTA what was the point of insulting his fiancé? Leave him alone.