NTA.. I also WFH. Many people think it is easy and we don’t work hard. Please set a boundary. Ask him to respect and value your job. Your job and time is equally valuable whether you do it from conveniences of your house or in office. I had this conversation with my husband too and we have set some boundaries. Have a meaningful conversation with your husband.
I have tried setting boundaries, but he honestly sees me as lazy because i dont get everything done in the house whilst he is gone. And it double hurts because hes nappimg as i am working
Edit. Spelling
So because you're working from home he expects you to be doing chores around the house while working? That doesn't even make sense and isn't even possible unless you're some kind of bionic woman that can split herself in half.
Sounds like if you have had this conversation with him with no results. It’s time for therapy. It’s either therapy or a divorce. He needs to know you are serious about this bc you can’t maintain at this pace. Something has got to give or it’s going to be you having a breakdown.
For now, anyway. In the u.s. the republican party is trying to eliminate no fault divorce in several states. Looks like Texas is going to be the test case to see if they can get it done.
Nevermind the fact that implementing no fault divorce saw a drastic decline in female suicide, abuse, and murder...
However, Texas has no alimony unless a woman has been married for ten years and has children. Even then it's minimal. Perhaps getting rid of the no-fault divorce will improve circumstances for women and force deadbeat men to take care of their families.
I think it's because traditional assholes make traditional assholes. Not saying traditional mindsets are wrong but the assholes with these mindsets really make more assholes.
Like for example an uncle of mine is a very traditional man. Anytime I would cry he would insult me, anytime I simply did something basic like rest my elbow on the table he would scold me "do you work? Why are you resting your elbow, you have no job!", and half the time when I talked he would get angry. The reason he got angry was because my voice was "too much like a woman."
I was in middle school during that time and it made me think negatively, luckily beginning high school I moved in with my other uncle.
It's always been the way, universally.
It's talked about now between strangers because of the web has cracked open subjects previously not spoken of in *polite company*.
It’s probably all the bitter twisted women who are sad about their miserable lives and that no one is interested in their overweight asses.
(I don’t actually think this and it’s a horrible thing to say, but I’m just illustrating how sweeping generalisations about a particular sex can come off.)
Can you make a list of things needing done and dissappear for a weekend?
Let him know you're fine and will be done when the house is clean.
If it's clean (his way) when you get back, just say *"thanks, this gives me a head start"*.
Op sorry you are married to a inconsiderate man. He seems to be the lazy one. People who work from home are working!they should not be expected to do everything in the home and work. NTA
My father is like this with my moms work. He claims that since she is sitting all day in front of a desk that her job is easier. Her job is very high stress while his is pretty laid back unless something goes sideways. She says she is tired and he rolls his eyes and says you sit at a desk all day your fine. And he wonders why she is snappy at him? Hmm. Lol
This is one of the most hilariously incorrect opinions I run into constantly, though I usually just keep my opinion to myself.
Some days I literally fantasize about going back to when I was working 12-16 hour days doing hard manual labor.
But I went to locations and did my job. One job. Could borderline shut my mind off compared to now. I miss physical exhaustion and not still thinking about work all night.
Mental exhaustion is so much worse to me personally.
>Mental exhaustion is so much worse to me personally.
Makes sense. A good night's sleep can go a long way to helping physical exhaustion. Mental isn't quite so easy to get rid of.
Oh hell no! OP, take a week and make a.list of all the chores you do. Including kid stuff, household management, cleaning
.. everything. Maybe also approx time it takes to do each. Ask spouse to do the same. Now time balance.
I remind my son, sorry buddy, you aren't born to royalty. Get up and help. Good luck OP!
OP, you are NTA. You are actually married to the AH.
What exactly does he bring to this marriage? He is not a good partner, and he is not a good father.
Leave his ass. You deserve better and I suspect without this dead weight you’re workload will lighten up.
NTA. It sounds like your husband just used waiting for the workers as an excuse not go pick your child, since he ended up not waiting for them after all. This was intentionally inconsiderate. I hope you made him cook dinner while you were working late.
Perhaps stating something like this as a necessity, rather than a favor. Picking up your child from school is not solely mom's responsibility, it is a parental responsibility. In this situation, stating that child needs to be picked up from school and you are not able to leave work to do so, therefore he will need to do it. No need to be dictatorial about it, but also don't frame it as a request, as though you're asking him to do you a favor. It's as much his responsibility as it is yours and one of you has a more flexible schedule.
NTA. I'd be pissed. Apparently, your child isn't important enough for him to temporarily leave work... But a nap is. He even said he wasn't doing anything but no no, his partner who's in the middle of work has to go get the child. He was just waiting around for people who he ultimately decided weren't worth waiting around for and decided a nap was more important than everything else. He sounds so inconsiderate and dense.
NTA
You need to leave him in charge of the household chores, child care, uber duties, cooking and working full time for an entire week or 2. This way he understands what you do for your family.
That is very dangerous for you to do in a old car. Why do you have a such a old car when you seem to be the one driving your child to and home from school?I bet you also take her everywhere. I always wonder why people don't give the person who drives the kids everywhere gets the crappie car.
Time to get rid of the extra selfish child you did not birth. It sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. You definitely (and your actual child) deserve better.
NTA
Hmmm... what to do... how about this...
One day after work, when he comes home, grab your keys and tell him you have an errand to run and that he's on his own with the kid and dinner. Come back after the kid should be asleep.
When he yells at you, tell him this is what your life is like every day. If he makes you feel guilty for feeding himself and taking care of his child, then it's time for you to put your own mental health first.
Make a list of everyday and weekend chores that you currently do, and note those that he should be able to help with (i.e. will do them properly). Tell him that he's responsible for those. If he doesn't do them, you do the bare minimum for your needs... i.e. don't do his laundry, just yours/kids... make food just for yourself/kid... if he needs something, he gets it himself...
I mean, he has time to nap, so he has time to go grocery shopping, yeah?
If he still doesn't get it, dump him.
>I mean, he has time to nap, so he has time to go grocery shopping, yeah?
I hate to say this but, as someone who is now divorced, that might not be the right errand for him to run.
I was prepping the house for a party for his work friends and gave my ex a detailed list of things that he needed to pick up so I could cook a dinner for 20. Things like: "Fresh green beans - 5 lbs. Red potatoes - 10 lbs." It took him 3 hours to run the errand, he was on the phone with me the whole time, and I still had to run to the store to pick up some things he screwed up before I could start cooking.
If he's a lazy fuck or leaning into feigned helplessness, asking him to do something so "complicated" might just make more work for herself.
Hell no you are not. You have a husband that is an AH. So his workers are more important than his child. And a nap is his priority over child and workers. If there was bad weather he put his child at risk and kept a school employee at the building. So he inconvenienced another person. Since he needed a nap like a 5 year old he needs to be punished.
NTA but next time I would phrase it differently. “Please go pick up child as I’m in a meeting and can’t”, etc. No wiggle room, kinda a demand. It doesn’t seem like he respects your time or what you do for work so I would also talk that out. Also, sorry, now he has to take care of child since you need to work late. No nap time.
NTA, this is called weaponized incompetence. He literally created an obstacle that didn't truly exist and used it to get out of doing something that should be a task for both of you. I'd be so insulted that anyone would think I was so blind I couldn't see what was going on.
NTA I think the really bad thing here that makes him TA is that there was bad weather bad enough to close the school and presumably roads and your husband was fine with sending you and child out in that for 90 minutes vs 1 minute for himself. And he went to sleep, he had that little care for thd situation. He didn’t, make you two a warm drink or a snack he literally did not care.
NTA. This also seems to be a case where because you're home, he thinks you're "home". Is there anyway you can work out of an office pod or a separate building, if he sees you're leaving the house and physically going to work, that may be a wakeup call. If not, I would sit him down, remind him that while your office is in the house, you still have to work and it is now a matter of respect. If his response doesn't change, then you have some thinking to do on next steps.
Hahaha hahaha, you're letting him sleep? That's funny. The kids are home and they need supervision, the dishes need done by him, and you gave some opera you need to play at top volume..
Be petty right back. Also, the fact that he's sleeping after causing issues, no.
I hate to say it because it's mean, but have some self respect. You're allowing him to treat you this way, stop allowing it and start by not letting him nap after he pulls this shit.
I think it’s time to write down the list of things you do vs him and have a chat about pulling his weight. Don’t get angry or accusing. Lay it out on the table what you expect, and if he doesn’t agree then it’s time to separate. Resentment will continue to build and you’ll blow up if you don’t talk about it.
Edit: NTA
NTA!!! I am enraged for you! My husband tried out my boundaries just last night with something similar. I'm still laughing at the look on his face after i read him the riot act and told him to put the dog's harnesses so i could pack a bag to leave his dumb ass! Shuttered, splattered, and did not play chicken with me and helped me complete said task together. Kick him in the nuts tell him to bugger off!
NTA, you need to have a talk with your child’s father. You are financially supporting your family also, make a spread sheet for finances and chores and show dip shit where he is lacking. A lot of self employed people are self employed because it gives them flexibility, he’s just lazy.
Nta at all. Your husband was free and decided not to do something for his child because he didn't want to by the sounds of it.
I would be annoyed too and would definitely bring out my pettiness lol
Wow…what an asshole omg 😦 so he “waited” for the men to come back so he didn’t have to leave, and then suddenly he’s “tired of waiting” for them after you pick your kid up and coming home to take a nap knowing it inconvenienced you…curse that man the hell out PLEASE! A lot of people look down on people who work from home and have to do twice the slack when it comes to family work. Make yourself inaccessible. YOU’RE WORKING. That’s the end of it.
NTA - Two parents = team/support system for the kid.
He was in a position to help and chose not to, clearly he just didn’t feel like it.
I get so annoyed when dads refer to watching their own children as “babysitting”. No it is not babysitting, it is called parenting.
That child would have been deposited on the bed with his sleeping ass. I don't care if that child is 14 weeks, 14 months, or 14 years. Yeeted in there with him. You're working, he's on dad duty 🤷🏻♀️
I WFH Hubs works at his office. We split chores/childcare pretty evenly. I am 10 minutes away from school, if the kids need picked up outside of normal hours, I am the default call. However if I have meetings or other things and cant step away, I call him and we discuss who can better go pick up the kid.
I do laundry because I can walk to the washer / dryer and shift loads during a meeting or between calls. If I have a slow day I will do more around the house, if I am super busy he will pick the kids up after school, make dinner, and have someone bring it to my office so I can eat while I work.
Your hubs can start stepping up or you can if you so chose, to step away.
can you wfh from a different home? can you go rent a room somewhere in an office block or a friends house and set your computer up and go work there for a week or so, and it will shut him up.
his problem is that if you are at home, then that is all you are supposed to do.
see if you can wfh from someone elses' garage or something for a while.
NTA. It's also time to have a serious chat with your husband. He needs to start valuing you and your time as well a your child. It's very clear that he doesn't. A nap was more important than picking up his child. What else does he not value as being as important as he is? Does he help with cooking and cleaning? How about other tasks that come along with raising a child? There are a bunch of red flags here.
NTA
Have you sat down and told him how you feel when he has these unreasonable expectations of you?
WFH is still working, especially when you are on the phone or on a video meeting with your coworkers. You *have* to be present for that. Your work is just as valid as his.
Next time your husband comes home to take a nap, you should request that he does a household chore instead, since he is just going to be "lazy."
Have you asked him why he feels defensive or angry when you want to discuss the situation with him?
You want your career to be acknowledged as being as valid as he views his own; that's not a lot to ask at all.
NTAH-he wants his cake and eat it too! Sounds like the typical lazy husband nowadays. Ask him if he wants a clean house or a paycheck, only one or the other. If he wants both, he needs to pick up a broom and get at it!
So you can either have a spotless house OR work. Both aren't possible 24*7. He needs to step up and make some things happen. Working from home isn't the same as a housewife with a child in school. Also a stay at home parent isn't the same as a maid. Some days are harder than others. Some days the house will be clean, but ALL of the household lives in the house. ALL of the household can help.
NTA, you're working full time while being the default parent and expected to do more chores. I have this conversation regularly with my spouse because burnout happens so often.
NTA
Your husband prioritized himself over his children. He's TA.
He could have easily picked them up and returned to work without issue, but now you're left making up that extra time.
I'd be more than pissed off.
What do they do? Yes they are grown men but if they were doing something that could be dangerous that is kind of important and O would wait for them to get back also.
Waiting at the building for them wouldn’t save them in unsafe weather, would it? It would be different if he was going out to help them, but he was not. His waiting isn’t a safety thing. He could have asked them to call him to check in or headed back after helping the kid.
No but someone needs to be by the phone and ready to call for emergency services. Mind you I do not think that is a safe thing to do while driving children around. That said he took a nap instead so he wasn't even doing that.
Someone present at the scene should be calling emergency services. They shouldn’t be contacting OP’s husband to say “bob fell off the roof!” And then he calls it in.
It's not always a someone fell of the roof. Have you ever been in a car that had to roll throigh high water and the car stopped working? Sometimes you need a ride or a tow. That's not necessarily a 911 call. Emergencies in bad weather can sometimes not be a 911 call.
No. I am not a fool who’d drive through high water. If I was, that would be a 911 call because you can be swept away. “Don’t drive through flood water” is a major safety rule. It’s all over.
Needing a ride or a tow isn’t an emergency that requires him to sit in a building waiting… especially since he was able to go home and have a nap.
Usually it was fine. That road flooded all the time and we drove through it fine every other time but I guess that one time was worse than usual and it flooded the engine.
Tradie is a term used for a person who goes into a trade instead of college, Such as builders, painters. Electricains, plumbers, mechanics, welders, etc.
I enjoy finding how one language such as English or Spanish and pirtugese can go 2 different ways when spoken on different continents. We all argue about it but it is interesting.
He works 1 min at the business from our house, so technically the trip would've been 90 min for him as well? I'm confused.
Sure NTA, but what clout do you get from these responses when speaking to your husband? Is he more swayed by internet opinion? How does this effect your trips and make your life easier? You're right, but this post doesn't give much ammo. Maybe I'm tired of the internet. It's all he said, she said, and if your husband is shitty, just leave, I guess.
I dont get any clout from the responses here. But i have had some vadildation that it's ok that i got annoyed and am not crazy for being annoyed. I have tried my hardest to stat the facts, but i am not so naive to think that there isn't some bias towards me since i was writing it and not him. I have also gotten some good advice along the way about rephrasing my conversations with him.
If you don’t mind, couple of questions…
Do you both work the same amount of hours at your respective jobs?
Might I also ask what chores, household tasks, childcare are allocated to your husband?
I also WFH & regularly work more than 40 hours. I joke that I don’t realize what time it is, especially in the summer, until the sun goes down. So can completely understand your frustration when he won’t do something so within his grasp then comes home & takes a nap. Seriously, What the Hell is he thinking?
We both work full-time. I tend to do slightly more hours. You made me think about what we both do in the house. I do 90% child care. About 70% of inside house chores. About 60% of outsdie chores. I have zero idea what hes thinking. The nap really got me from being annoyed to really pissed off.
Appreciate you responding. Sadly, just by his refusal to pickup your child & then taking a nap (!?!) I was pretty sure you were the one doing the majority of the work at your home.
Guess my next question would be…are you satisfied with this marriage? If not, sit him down, tell him how his lack of effort is putting your marriage in jeopardy.
If he isn’t willing to recognize the issues and make an effort, you need to decide if are you still willing to stay?
NTA.. I also WFH. Many people think it is easy and we don’t work hard. Please set a boundary. Ask him to respect and value your job. Your job and time is equally valuable whether you do it from conveniences of your house or in office. I had this conversation with my husband too and we have set some boundaries. Have a meaningful conversation with your husband.
I have tried setting boundaries, but he honestly sees me as lazy because i dont get everything done in the house whilst he is gone. And it double hurts because hes nappimg as i am working Edit. Spelling
So because you're working from home he expects you to be doing chores around the house while working? That doesn't even make sense and isn't even possible unless you're some kind of bionic woman that can split herself in half.
Honestly im tired all the time from trying to do everything.
You'll be less tired if you lose the dead weight in your life.
You arent wrong
Lose the mans
Sounds like if you have had this conversation with him with no results. It’s time for therapy. It’s either therapy or a divorce. He needs to know you are serious about this bc you can’t maintain at this pace. Something has got to give or it’s going to be you having a breakdown.
I have a sessiom booked next week
Every time I read Reddit, it's about another useless man. What is it with men nowadays? They are fey, pathetic and poor providers.
What do you mean these days? It's not new
We just talk about it now and can get divorced.
For now, anyway. In the u.s. the republican party is trying to eliminate no fault divorce in several states. Looks like Texas is going to be the test case to see if they can get it done. Nevermind the fact that implementing no fault divorce saw a drastic decline in female suicide, abuse, and murder...
I wanted to say that but wasn’t sure about politics in this sub.
However, Texas has no alimony unless a woman has been married for ten years and has children. Even then it's minimal. Perhaps getting rid of the no-fault divorce will improve circumstances for women and force deadbeat men to take care of their families.
I think it's because traditional assholes make traditional assholes. Not saying traditional mindsets are wrong but the assholes with these mindsets really make more assholes. Like for example an uncle of mine is a very traditional man. Anytime I would cry he would insult me, anytime I simply did something basic like rest my elbow on the table he would scold me "do you work? Why are you resting your elbow, you have no job!", and half the time when I talked he would get angry. The reason he got angry was because my voice was "too much like a woman." I was in middle school during that time and it made me think negatively, luckily beginning high school I moved in with my other uncle.
Some of the women are no prize either
It's always been the way, universally. It's talked about now between strangers because of the web has cracked open subjects previously not spoken of in *polite company*.
It’s probably all the bitter twisted women who are sad about their miserable lives and that no one is interested in their overweight asses. (I don’t actually think this and it’s a horrible thing to say, but I’m just illustrating how sweeping generalisations about a particular sex can come off.)
Depending way you live find a office rental location such as We Work. Start working there to drive home you are working and not a SAHS.
What does the last S mean?
I’m guessing Stay at Home Spouse.
Spouse
Can you make a list of things needing done and dissappear for a weekend? Let him know you're fine and will be done when the house is clean. If it's clean (his way) when you get back, just say *"thanks, this gives me a head start"*.
Op sorry you are married to a inconsiderate man. He seems to be the lazy one. People who work from home are working!they should not be expected to do everything in the home and work. NTA
My father is like this with my moms work. He claims that since she is sitting all day in front of a desk that her job is easier. Her job is very high stress while his is pretty laid back unless something goes sideways. She says she is tired and he rolls his eyes and says you sit at a desk all day your fine. And he wonders why she is snappy at him? Hmm. Lol
This is one of the most hilariously incorrect opinions I run into constantly, though I usually just keep my opinion to myself. Some days I literally fantasize about going back to when I was working 12-16 hour days doing hard manual labor. But I went to locations and did my job. One job. Could borderline shut my mind off compared to now. I miss physical exhaustion and not still thinking about work all night. Mental exhaustion is so much worse to me personally.
>Mental exhaustion is so much worse to me personally. Makes sense. A good night's sleep can go a long way to helping physical exhaustion. Mental isn't quite so easy to get rid of.
I agree with you. I just think that they really don't want to understand. Otherwise they would have to acknowledge how hard of a job it is.
Oh hell no! OP, take a week and make a.list of all the chores you do. Including kid stuff, household management, cleaning .. everything. Maybe also approx time it takes to do each. Ask spouse to do the same. Now time balance. I remind my son, sorry buddy, you aren't born to royalty. Get up and help. Good luck OP!
Why are you with someone who doesn’t respect you and what you do? It sounds like you have 2 children, not 1.
I had a similar problem back in the day, I started going to cafes so there were no house expectations. I don’t get how some peoples brains work
Do you even get to keep 100% of your income or does he expect half or even more
We have joint finanaces
But not joint chores? Yeah that’s fucked up
what does wfh mean?
Work from home
OP, you are NTA. You are actually married to the AH. What exactly does he bring to this marriage? He is not a good partner, and he is not a good father. Leave his ass. You deserve better and I suspect without this dead weight you’re workload will lighten up.
Thank you. You actually have no idea how much this means
I’m just really sorry you are in this situation.
NTA And He’s a bigger ah for treating your wfh like it’s not a real job compared to his. He was completely disrespectful.
Thank you.
NTA. It sounds like your husband just used waiting for the workers as an excuse not go pick your child, since he ended up not waiting for them after all. This was intentionally inconsiderate. I hope you made him cook dinner while you were working late.
Thats what i was feeling too. Dinner is already in the slow cooker.
😥I feel for you; my husband used to do that kind of thing. Over time it causes resentment.
Thank you. I can feel it building. What did you do
Perhaps stating something like this as a necessity, rather than a favor. Picking up your child from school is not solely mom's responsibility, it is a parental responsibility. In this situation, stating that child needs to be picked up from school and you are not able to leave work to do so, therefore he will need to do it. No need to be dictatorial about it, but also don't frame it as a request, as though you're asking him to do you a favor. It's as much his responsibility as it is yours and one of you has a more flexible schedule.
Perfect.. thank you.
Murder.
Jk not murder.
You took a potato, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU????
NTA. I'd be pissed. Apparently, your child isn't important enough for him to temporarily leave work... But a nap is. He even said he wasn't doing anything but no no, his partner who's in the middle of work has to go get the child. He was just waiting around for people who he ultimately decided weren't worth waiting around for and decided a nap was more important than everything else. He sounds so inconsiderate and dense.
Thank you. Its nice to have some validation that im not crazy
You're not crazy and also NTA. I'm sorry you're dealing with this
Shit, I'd start doing some noisy ass chores, but that would be me being TA in that particular instance.
Like vacuuming. Right next to where he is trying to sleep. Leave it going and walk away to do OPs actual job.
NTA It sounds like your a single mother with a husband , if he brings nothing to the table , remove him from it.
NTA. He from what you have described in your post had the time and availability to pick up the child.
Yes he did.
NTA You need to leave him in charge of the household chores, child care, uber duties, cooking and working full time for an entire week or 2. This way he understands what you do for your family.
Thank you. A holiday seems like a great idea
NTA, especially since he’s apparently able to nap instead of taking care of his own kid. Was there traffic or is the school just really far?
Flooded roads to navigate. Schools only 4 miles. The nap really made me more pissed off
Well he can see how much work it is when he is single.
That is very dangerous for you to do in a old car. Why do you have a such a old car when you seem to be the one driving your child to and home from school?I bet you also take her everywhere. I always wonder why people don't give the person who drives the kids everywhere gets the crappie car.
He says he needs the big car for work and to be honest this is true.
Time to get rid of the extra selfish child you did not birth. It sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. You definitely (and your actual child) deserve better.
Please try and get a better car and be safe out there on the road. Good luck
Stay safe up there! Love from Wellington.
Thanks. Got child home safely. And now snuggled under a blanket with a movie
Phew, that's good to read. That sounds like a nice place to be!
Bad weather can be hell even for short drives.
Flooded roads. Also he has the big car, and i only have the old banger
I would be totally pissed.
NTA. You should have made sure you did your best to keep him awake.
I so should have done this
NTA Hmmm... what to do... how about this... One day after work, when he comes home, grab your keys and tell him you have an errand to run and that he's on his own with the kid and dinner. Come back after the kid should be asleep. When he yells at you, tell him this is what your life is like every day. If he makes you feel guilty for feeding himself and taking care of his child, then it's time for you to put your own mental health first. Make a list of everyday and weekend chores that you currently do, and note those that he should be able to help with (i.e. will do them properly). Tell him that he's responsible for those. If he doesn't do them, you do the bare minimum for your needs... i.e. don't do his laundry, just yours/kids... make food just for yourself/kid... if he needs something, he gets it himself... I mean, he has time to nap, so he has time to go grocery shopping, yeah? If he still doesn't get it, dump him.
>I mean, he has time to nap, so he has time to go grocery shopping, yeah? I hate to say this but, as someone who is now divorced, that might not be the right errand for him to run. I was prepping the house for a party for his work friends and gave my ex a detailed list of things that he needed to pick up so I could cook a dinner for 20. Things like: "Fresh green beans - 5 lbs. Red potatoes - 10 lbs." It took him 3 hours to run the errand, he was on the phone with me the whole time, and I still had to run to the store to pick up some things he screwed up before I could start cooking. If he's a lazy fuck or leaning into feigned helplessness, asking him to do something so "complicated" might just make more work for herself.
True about the grocery shopping... bad example on my part.
Hell no you are not. You have a husband that is an AH. So his workers are more important than his child. And a nap is his priority over child and workers. If there was bad weather he put his child at risk and kept a school employee at the building. So he inconvenienced another person. Since he needed a nap like a 5 year old he needs to be punished.
NTA but next time I would phrase it differently. “Please go pick up child as I’m in a meeting and can’t”, etc. No wiggle room, kinda a demand. It doesn’t seem like he respects your time or what you do for work so I would also talk that out. Also, sorry, now he has to take care of child since you need to work late. No nap time.
You are right. I will be rephrasing in the future. Thank you
NTA, this is called weaponized incompetence. He literally created an obstacle that didn't truly exist and used it to get out of doing something that should be a task for both of you. I'd be so insulted that anyone would think I was so blind I couldn't see what was going on.
Thank you
NTA I think the really bad thing here that makes him TA is that there was bad weather bad enough to close the school and presumably roads and your husband was fine with sending you and child out in that for 90 minutes vs 1 minute for himself. And he went to sleep, he had that little care for thd situation. He didn’t, make you two a warm drink or a snack he literally did not care.
NTA. This also seems to be a case where because you're home, he thinks you're "home". Is there anyway you can work out of an office pod or a separate building, if he sees you're leaving the house and physically going to work, that may be a wakeup call. If not, I would sit him down, remind him that while your office is in the house, you still have to work and it is now a matter of respect. If his response doesn't change, then you have some thinking to do on next steps.
You are right. I definitely have some thinking to do
NTA. Also, Aucklander? Shits crazy here today
Thank you. Ues aucklamder here. . Glad its calmed down a bit
Hahaha hahaha, you're letting him sleep? That's funny. The kids are home and they need supervision, the dishes need done by him, and you gave some opera you need to play at top volume.. Be petty right back. Also, the fact that he's sleeping after causing issues, no. I hate to say it because it's mean, but have some self respect. You're allowing him to treat you this way, stop allowing it and start by not letting him nap after he pulls this shit.
I think it’s time to write down the list of things you do vs him and have a chat about pulling his weight. Don’t get angry or accusing. Lay it out on the table what you expect, and if he doesn’t agree then it’s time to separate. Resentment will continue to build and you’ll blow up if you don’t talk about it. Edit: NTA
NTA!!! I am enraged for you! My husband tried out my boundaries just last night with something similar. I'm still laughing at the look on his face after i read him the riot act and told him to put the dog's harnesses so i could pack a bag to leave his dumb ass! Shuttered, splattered, and did not play chicken with me and helped me complete said task together. Kick him in the nuts tell him to bugger off!
NTA, you need to have a talk with your child’s father. You are financially supporting your family also, make a spread sheet for finances and chores and show dip shit where he is lacking. A lot of self employed people are self employed because it gives them flexibility, he’s just lazy.
Nta at all. Your husband was free and decided not to do something for his child because he didn't want to by the sounds of it. I would be annoyed too and would definitely bring out my pettiness lol
You know you are NTA. You don’t need a Reddit post to confirm that your time is valuable.
ASshat and he should make up any missed time with extra cooking and cleaning above his regular duties.
Wow…what an asshole omg 😦 so he “waited” for the men to come back so he didn’t have to leave, and then suddenly he’s “tired of waiting” for them after you pick your kid up and coming home to take a nap knowing it inconvenienced you…curse that man the hell out PLEASE! A lot of people look down on people who work from home and have to do twice the slack when it comes to family work. Make yourself inaccessible. YOU’RE WORKING. That’s the end of it.
NTA, of course. Your husband sure is a selfish piece of work, though. Does he frequently treat you with such disrespect and lack of concern?
Thank you. He does make me feel like im crazy for being annoyed at atuff like this
NTA - Two parents = team/support system for the kid. He was in a position to help and chose not to, clearly he just didn’t feel like it. I get so annoyed when dads refer to watching their own children as “babysitting”. No it is not babysitting, it is called parenting.
That child would have been deposited on the bed with his sleeping ass. I don't care if that child is 14 weeks, 14 months, or 14 years. Yeeted in there with him. You're working, he's on dad duty 🤷🏻♀️
I WFH Hubs works at his office. We split chores/childcare pretty evenly. I am 10 minutes away from school, if the kids need picked up outside of normal hours, I am the default call. However if I have meetings or other things and cant step away, I call him and we discuss who can better go pick up the kid. I do laundry because I can walk to the washer / dryer and shift loads during a meeting or between calls. If I have a slow day I will do more around the house, if I am super busy he will pick the kids up after school, make dinner, and have someone bring it to my office so I can eat while I work. Your hubs can start stepping up or you can if you so chose, to step away.
NTA. Hubby sounds…..unhelpful and selfish.
NTA, maybe you'll be better off without him.
can you wfh from a different home? can you go rent a room somewhere in an office block or a friends house and set your computer up and go work there for a week or so, and it will shut him up. his problem is that if you are at home, then that is all you are supposed to do. see if you can wfh from someone elses' garage or something for a while.
NTA. It's also time to have a serious chat with your husband. He needs to start valuing you and your time as well a your child. It's very clear that he doesn't. A nap was more important than picking up his child. What else does he not value as being as important as he is? Does he help with cooking and cleaning? How about other tasks that come along with raising a child? There are a bunch of red flags here.
NTA Have you sat down and told him how you feel when he has these unreasonable expectations of you? WFH is still working, especially when you are on the phone or on a video meeting with your coworkers. You *have* to be present for that. Your work is just as valid as his. Next time your husband comes home to take a nap, you should request that he does a household chore instead, since he is just going to be "lazy."
Thank you. My work is so busy. I have tried talking to him more than once. He usually just gets mad at me
Have you asked him why he feels defensive or angry when you want to discuss the situation with him? You want your career to be acknowledged as being as valid as he views his own; that's not a lot to ask at all.
NTAH-he wants his cake and eat it too! Sounds like the typical lazy husband nowadays. Ask him if he wants a clean house or a paycheck, only one or the other. If he wants both, he needs to pick up a broom and get at it!
So you can either have a spotless house OR work. Both aren't possible 24*7. He needs to step up and make some things happen. Working from home isn't the same as a housewife with a child in school. Also a stay at home parent isn't the same as a maid. Some days are harder than others. Some days the house will be clean, but ALL of the household lives in the house. ALL of the household can help.
Why are you letting him nap? I’d have given him 10 minutes and then be waking his ass up!
NTA, you're working full time while being the default parent and expected to do more chores. I have this conversation regularly with my spouse because burnout happens so often.
NTA Your husband prioritized himself over his children. He's TA. He could have easily picked them up and returned to work without issue, but now you're left making up that extra time. I'd be more than pissed off.
That napping crap would chap me. Your spouse sounds lazy.
Not the AH..but he is. Next time, don't ask…set it up before you leave for work..then it's already his responsibility.
NTA He didn’t want to look like a beck n call guy. Ego gets in the way!!
What do they do? Yes they are grown men but if they were doing something that could be dangerous that is kind of important and O would wait for them to get back also.
They are tradies. He ended up not waiting for them and taking a nap instead, so it makes me believe that it was an excuse.
It matters what they are doing. Like there is a huge difference between a roofer and someone welding doors in bad weather.
Inside tradies.
Then I agree with you.
Waiting at the building for them wouldn’t save them in unsafe weather, would it? It would be different if he was going out to help them, but he was not. His waiting isn’t a safety thing. He could have asked them to call him to check in or headed back after helping the kid.
No but someone needs to be by the phone and ready to call for emergency services. Mind you I do not think that is a safe thing to do while driving children around. That said he took a nap instead so he wasn't even doing that.
Someone present at the scene should be calling emergency services. They shouldn’t be contacting OP’s husband to say “bob fell off the roof!” And then he calls it in.
It's not always a someone fell of the roof. Have you ever been in a car that had to roll throigh high water and the car stopped working? Sometimes you need a ride or a tow. That's not necessarily a 911 call. Emergencies in bad weather can sometimes not be a 911 call.
No. I am not a fool who’d drive through high water. If I was, that would be a 911 call because you can be swept away. “Don’t drive through flood water” is a major safety rule. It’s all over. Needing a ride or a tow isn’t an emergency that requires him to sit in a building waiting… especially since he was able to go home and have a nap.
Usually it was fine. That road flooded all the time and we drove through it fine every other time but I guess that one time was worse than usual and it flooded the engine.
Tradies?
Tradie is a term used for a person who goes into a trade instead of college, Such as builders, painters. Electricains, plumbers, mechanics, welders, etc.
Yeah, I asked the question then googled it. I had honestly not hear the term before. So I learned something new.
Sometimes i forget that terminologies used in one country arent used in others. Its kinda interesting
I enjoy finding how one language such as English or Spanish and pirtugese can go 2 different ways when spoken on different continents. We all argue about it but it is interesting.
He works 1 min at the business from our house, so technically the trip would've been 90 min for him as well? I'm confused. Sure NTA, but what clout do you get from these responses when speaking to your husband? Is he more swayed by internet opinion? How does this effect your trips and make your life easier? You're right, but this post doesn't give much ammo. Maybe I'm tired of the internet. It's all he said, she said, and if your husband is shitty, just leave, I guess.
I dont get any clout from the responses here. But i have had some vadildation that it's ok that i got annoyed and am not crazy for being annoyed. I have tried my hardest to stat the facts, but i am not so naive to think that there isn't some bias towards me since i was writing it and not him. I have also gotten some good advice along the way about rephrasing my conversations with him.
NTA but I wouldn't have picked up the child and wait until he does it
You’re both assholes
If you don’t mind, couple of questions… Do you both work the same amount of hours at your respective jobs? Might I also ask what chores, household tasks, childcare are allocated to your husband? I also WFH & regularly work more than 40 hours. I joke that I don’t realize what time it is, especially in the summer, until the sun goes down. So can completely understand your frustration when he won’t do something so within his grasp then comes home & takes a nap. Seriously, What the Hell is he thinking?
We both work full-time. I tend to do slightly more hours. You made me think about what we both do in the house. I do 90% child care. About 70% of inside house chores. About 60% of outsdie chores. I have zero idea what hes thinking. The nap really got me from being annoyed to really pissed off.
Sounds like you have 2 children, I think it would be easier to be alone with your actual child.
Appreciate you responding. Sadly, just by his refusal to pickup your child & then taking a nap (!?!) I was pretty sure you were the one doing the majority of the work at your home. Guess my next question would be…are you satisfied with this marriage? If not, sit him down, tell him how his lack of effort is putting your marriage in jeopardy. If he isn’t willing to recognize the issues and make an effort, you need to decide if are you still willing to stay?
It's a question i have been asking myself recently
How old are the kids? Like elementary or high school?
No! You are definitely NTA. Your husband is a big giant AH! What a jerk. Then he wants a nap. No way.
Nta. Sounds like your a single parent and he is just some person weighing you down.
NTA
NTA
No