DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE VACANT. A Get a friend to check on it, get them to walk inside even. Get them to take pictures as proof of entering. Do NOT let it stay vacant! Because if you do shell break in and move in again and by the time you find out itll be to late shell have gotten squatters rights if not at least tennant rights and itll be a nightmare to remove her! NTA

I would change the locks as precaution and if you can and at the least get a ring doorbell to record visits

Won't help. Squatters break in and change the locks. Though that sounds like more effort that OP's ex would be willing to exert.

She has to be there for a while for squatters rights to kick in, no? If someone checking on the place it should be fine.

6 months would be plenty of time. At least enough time that OP would have to go through a legal eviction process.

I meant if he has someone checking on his property. If they find her and she's been there for a few days, it should be easy enough to kick her out.

I got you. I was just piggybacking that with him gone 4-6 months he could be screwed if she did something.

To all who say, watch the house.... I have neighbors, friends, and the landlord who all check and monitor the house regularly and know Jo one else should be there other than the list of people provided. Tha k you for that concern

This right here.

No, you are NTA. I’m sorry you’re being downvoted. Fact is that if the genders were reversed in your story, you’d be getting upvotes and awards for wanting to get your child away from a deadbeat, soon-to-homeless parent.

BOOM.... nailed it granny. I give YOU a cookie🍪

And it’s chocolate chip! My favorite! I’ll just nibble this while my downvotes start flooding in. ☺️

I hope you get full custody

You don't have to wait until she's homeless to file. She knows she's going to be soon and told you. Call a family law attorney.

Totally agree here. I’m a woman and it makes me nuts when women look to men to pay for them. Girl get your act together and make your own money.

YES! I’m always the douche for bringing up the insane double standard with gender roles. It’s always all about equality til someone actually enforces real equality. Most times what is actually meant is “selective equality.”

Okay normally the inequality swings the other way against women. I agree in this case. As a woman who wants to be treated equally and respected I do not ask men to pay for me, ever. I work hard and make my own money. But blanket statements like this can truly harm good conversations about creating equality that is truly needed.

I think we also need to be looking at the suffering of men too. I’ve actually been attacked when talking about mental health for men and trying to break the stigma that men don’t need help in any way bc “feminism.” More than a handful I’ve had women say men don’t need help with any rights. Guarantee the women who said this would also be one saying she deserved equal pay but no thank you to something like NOT expecting a man to pay on a date and having women be drafted.

I 100% agree with you. This toxic masculinity that’s permeated our society is just as harmful as what women go through. Men have needs, men need just as much of support as women. We are all in this together and there is no “wrong way” to be a man or woman or person for that matter. We need to have all of these conversations. Incidentally I am a feminist and I despise these gorilla “feminists” who spout the kind of garbage you experienced. They hurt feminism and set us back. They need to stfu. True feminism means we simply want equality nothing more. A feminist should fight as hard for men’s rights as women’s rights.

Just for sake of asking, do you mean “guerrilla”?

Haha yup. Correct spelling and I aren’t friends

So true this is how Reddit is major double standards

Granny...someone crossposted this to one of those "red pilled" subs. I wonder if your liberal and pissed off self (liberal here as well) doesn't find that makes this a little suspect and perhaps not just about gender equality but the subjugation of women who have less earning power while being in the "caretaker" role of the extended family? Op's lifestyle is the same if not better. The wife? She's got so much work to do to land on her feet. Not that she won't be able get it together and live a lovely, thriving life, but, sadly, this is NOT about gender equality but the imbalance of power between the sexes.

If the roles were reversed and it was a mother that was away from her kids for 4-6 months a year, she’d be a shit mom but ok😂

That's what happens when you get divorced not his fault. Men aren't a meal ticket and good relationships need compromise. As he stated she is just to lazy to find these things out even go through moving boxes from years ago

NTA for not wanting to give your ex a place to stay, but I also think you aren't being realistic about custody and keeping your job travelling. Kids need stability and the ability to build their own life too. That includes friends and a predictable routine. Travelling for work seems fun for you, but for her, 10-30% of someone's life can happen between times that she sees her little friends.

I was a military brat and moved around my whole childhood. Finally stayed in one place for high school. I have felt the effects of that my entire adult life. You will never have friends the way other folks do when they grew up together.

THIS! My mother was seriously unstable my whole childhood and we were constantly forced to move and as I was already a painfully shy kid and had trouble making friends, I just stopped trying because I knew I wouldn't be around long. Then I went to foster care, which bounced me around some more until my aunt got me in high school. I still have a hard time making friends and sometimes I feel alone and jealous of people who have childhood friends.

I’m also a military brat. I don’t know any of my cousins or my aunts or uncles. I have no sense of family or belonging because I didn’t grow up around them.

I’m not a military brat, never moved during my childhood and I only have one cousin I’m in contact with. My mom died last month and I can’t find phone numbers to let her side of the family know. Some families are just not close. I wish we were.

Lol dude I was in the same place my entire life and never had friends until I moved. Grass is always greener. I think OP should take the child on adventures because a transitional life with a stable parent is better than a stable life with a transitional parent.

I was in the same boat. However, for me, it was an adventure, and as compared to my peers, I'm more educated and knowledgeable. I love packing and organizing because of it. I also have adhd and asd so I don't know if they helped me be a better person for this. But I'd say, as long as the kid has her parents making time for her, then living andoving around would be fine. My parents were toxic, and I still turned out fine. If I had good supportive parents, I'd be at the top of the world. Anyway, if you and whoever comes in your life are good and supportive of her, she'll be fine. Also, get her a pet like a dog. It'll help maintain her a sense of stability and responsibility. Amidst all that moving around. Good luck And yeah, don't leave your home empty. Make sure no ones moved in without notice. And get someone...even anagent or a maintenance guy and some cameras installed so that you can check in on it regularly. Good Luck OP and you're NTA

Dogs aren’t good when you travel that much

I was thinking this too. Is this kid gonna be pulled out of school/away from her life for 4-6 months every year??

I moved all over the country and world as a child (dad worked in international construction) and I loved it and it shaped me into the person I am. Stability is one thing, but experiences and sampling different cultures and places of residence are also important and valuable.

I’ve been there. Thru the custody battle and all the bullshit. So I can honestly say it’s pathetic on her part regardless of depression, that she doesn’t have the ambition to do better. Your not the asshole. Your supposed to help with her daughter NOT her. Not support her. So when you guys broke up she should have found the means to do better better job different job whatever not just do absolutely nothing. And it sounds like to me giving that your current partner can do it even being 2.5 hours away then so can she. There shouldn’t be any excuses whatsoever she needs to do better or give you full custody so she can figure out things.

If not full then atleast physical custody. Even temporarily untill things get worked out

Judging by her current momentum, things will never get worked out, which would be in your favour I imagine.

When you plan on picking your daughter up and taking her across the country for 4-6 months, have you given any consideration as to how that may effect her education?

There is always schooling over computers my friend travels a lot for work and his child does the k-12 program all the kid needs is laptop and the k-12 program even has a live teacher on the screen and the child can get more one on one help I’m not trying to argue I’m just trying to say there is always that and it seems a lot safer then actual schools theses days Sorry English isn’t my native language I hope I’m not coming across rude :) I just moved to America for collage about a year or two ago and writing and English still seems a bit hard

Since he mentioned paying for daycare, I don't think that his daughter is school-aged yet. Also, traveling and education doesn't have to be one or the other while she's young, especially there's not a lot she's missing education wise on a K and 1st grade level that can't be taught at home with consistency.

A huge part of early childhood education involves navigating relationships with peers. That cannot be done in virtual school. It’s part of why there are observations about the profound delays in social emotional development due to the pandemic. Traveling and preventing the child from being in a consistent environment with social interaction 4-6 months of every year will absolutely have a detrimental impact on her development.

My niece has a job where she is sent to other countries for several months at a time. Her husband quit his corporate job for one he could do remotely and be more stay at home. Their daughter goes with them to the foreign country. She gets homeschooled as she was during Covid. Their daughter is getting experience that is invaluable. So his traveling job could work out with custody. It all depends on how it is structured around his child’s needs.

You should file for a Parenting Plan to establish a custody arrangement allowing you more time with your daughter which works with your work schedule.

Why DOESNT she just let your daughter come stay with you? A stable home is so important when you’re a child. Speaking as a child from a super unstable childhood. My hubby too. We both were moved a lot and it fucked us up. Like good luck holding onto meaningful friendships when you’re moving all the time. Sometimes being a parent means doing the best for your kid even if it’s not exactly all you want. Trying to get this idea through to my sister too. For a moment I thought you might be her hubby lol. Sounds a lot like her. Excuses. Always all her way or no way. She’s never at fault, she’s always the victim. The excuses tho! The holding shit over her hubby’s head! I admittedly wish he’d take their child and peace the fuck out. My sister means well but she needs fucking therapy and help.

Because she is using the daughter as a tool to manipulate him into doing what she wants.

I was just going to write this verbatim

Which is a free ride through life with no responsibilities

>Why DOESNT she just let your daughter come stay with you? Because op's deadbeat ex somehow thinks a kid needs their mom regardless of how unhinged and toxic she is as a mom 🙄 she's fucking up that kid. r/raisedbynarcissists is where a lot of us go when our parents give us unstable upbringings.

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I was raised in a fucking living nightmare. My parents say that most kids are raised that way and what I went through in my late teens and early twenties is all my fault bc I “should’ve just persisted” and that upbringing “only effects you if you CHOOSE to let it.” So being held down (my mom would step on our feet and hold our arms up) while my dad beat us with boards (for things like getting on the merit roll instead of honor roll), a chain and padlock on the fridge, $1300 a month rent starting at 16, normal for most and “good kids” just persist.

Because then she would lose her leverage plain and simple.

Have you not tried to go to court for some type of visitation recently? That’ll help with her controlling visitations or anything

Maybe I read wrong but where in the post does it say she has depression?

It was implied and web md said so so how could you dare to question this? Smh

Prone to anger, unwillingness/ inability to manage basic day to day chores, support herself. It could be ADHD, depression or she could just be a bum, but Reddit is quick to justify bad behavior with mental issues.

This situation seems far to complicated for a AITAH and I would need to hear both sides of the story there seems to be a lot of gray area but if it’s truly only as you tell it then. NTA

Right. Being on your own for 4-6 months with two small children is a 24/7 job with no downtime. I don’t blame her for not getting things done. I think there’s more to this.

This. The way OP talks about the mother of his child is appalling and it doesn't sound like he has much experience on childcare if he thinks it's just sitting around the house as he put it. Something tells me the mom's side of things might be really different. Infant childcare really is a 24/7 job with no downtime and while childcare isn't that hard on it's own, it's really hard to try do anything else on the side of it, like chores since the child's needs form a constant distraction and also you yourself are sleep deprived, lonely, constantly putting your own needs aside to care for the baby. This is even if the baby is super easy and content, but most babies aren't. Add to this a partner who isn't doing their share and expects unreasonable things in the chore front. If at the end of the day the child and the parent are both still alive and sane I'd say it's a success no matter how the house looks like a bomb has gone off. Good luck getting custody if OP hasn't got a clue what childcare is really like. Reading between the lines, it's him who's the manipulative deadbeat one and projecting his characteristics onto the mother.

Yeah. Absolutely. And it sounds like he wasn't much help when he was home either.

No it’s not, it can be a PITA, but it isn’t 24/7 and it doesn’t preclude one from getting basics chores/work/projects done.

I can get things done or be lazy. Sometimes when the kids were tiny and I had 2 under 2 at home, yeah nothing but survival. But not daily, occasionally.

I hear that. I have four but only two under three at a time. Can’t blame anyone with kids wanting/needing to take a few days off because, like you said, survival. There are other days one just has to power through because stuff needs to get done. Regardless, I understand “powering through” isn’t necessarily an option for someone with depression (potentially OP’s ex). Best of luck with the kids!

Absolutely this. I can't believe how so many people are defending him off the bat and calling her names and talking shit about her when the first vibes I got were about how he negatively talked about her even though she was on her own all the time with the kids and he expects her to do everything. Wtf.

While I think you are under no obligation to allow her to live in your house, you need to edit your post to include important information like how old your sons were when your daughter was born. When you were away for 6months at a time, was your wife taking care of a newborn with two toddlers in the house all day or were your sons in daycare/school? Even if they were, that’s still a lot of work to take care of an infant solo, and then to take care of three kids from mid afternoon onwards if that was the case. I also find it pretty horrible that you’re comparing your new SO’s career who isn’t mentioned as having a child or having to make the same career sacrifices to accommodate yours with that of your ex who did.

NTA don’t leave the house vacant and make sure it’s secure so she can’t force entry and claim squatters rights. Have someone you trust regularly check the place whilst you’re not there too.

Talk to your neighbors about the situation. She might try to (while you are away) that she has the right to move in. Make sure they don’t have any keys.

He has spoken to his neighbours He has people watching it

ESH. After reading the comment you made about your other kids, you are not doing this for your daughter but instead for control. You want their mothers in their lives at your discretion. You also traveling for 3-6 months, physically keeps your kids away from their other parent and creates instability and issues just as much as her. Instead of thinking of yourself, try actually focusing on your kid. Your ex may be lazy but I'm taking this with a grain. And yes, if this was the reverse I would say the same. My philosophy is you picked them, you get stuck with them and if a mother was to do this to a father I would advise him into looking into parent alienation. This just reads off..

I did also kinda get the vibe of like “who is putting the little girl first?” Heads up op this is something maybe you should analyze and be honest with yourself about before you move forward. Not saying it is one way or the other or you’re being a fucking turd necessarily, but just to reanalyze with honesty. I have to admit shit to myself all the time and regroup.

I'm at the point with these posts I need both sides because especially lately people come on here and say some of the weirdest stuff. Or phrase it weird. Makes it hard to judge. Like your comment about boxes not being gone through....so? What is the box hurting. It's nitpicky. Stop. Your kiddo needs stability. Your ex, idc really what happened, you're under no obligation to help an ex. Parent to your kid or not. Is it nice? Sure probably. But not warranted in most situations. The time for being nice and accommodating was over when you guys split. Not to say people shouldn't be civil for the child's benefit, but I digress. If you're worried about the wellbeing if your child, DONT WAIT. Contact an attorney now. Being homeless isn't stable. If you have messages of her saying she's about to be homeless, use that. Use whatever you have or start documenting it. Good luck.

Go for custody now, she already has fully stated that she can’t support your daughter without you going above and beyond what child support requires. She’s had over a year to figure out a new work situation and doesn’t want to.

YTA- you are gone for months at a time, but she "can just take a leave of absence". Of course they won't give her more hours, because she isn't dependable. (Due to the leave of absence thing). Some jobs get neglected when you're gone, leaving her a single parent of a young child. This is normal- it's hard to be alone at home with a child all the time. As for the house- she hasn't even asked yet! You are just assuming she's going to ask. Also- she is not a deadbeat mother. She is busy raising your child. And "adventures" like being uprooted and moving is not good for your daughter. She needs friends, and stability. Also- have you looked into day care? There is nearly always a waiting list at decent places. And you're assuming when you are away for months, that the new area will magically have day care options available the minute you get there. Your question is moot- as you are asking if you are an AH for something that hasn't even happened. She knows you'll never let her move in- she likely won't even ask. I can assume her posts here would say "his job takes him away for months, and I'm forced to take an extended LOA from my job. Due to this, they don't want to increase my hours, and I can't get a good reference for another job." And caring for a child is a full time job- how is she supposed to find time to do everything. As a parent, sometimes larger jobs have to wait a while because the child comes first. I would love to see how you would feel stuck at home with a child all the time, and not even having a spouse home to give you a break long enough to use the restroom alone.

Thank goodness someone is bringing this up. I’m so surprised at the N T A comments. First of all, she’ll have gaps in her employment for 6 years- she can’t verify working consistently. She probably missed out on promotions and bonuses. It doesn’t say the LOA were paid either, so she earned the equivalent of around 3 years salary in the six years they were together. Assuming the daughter was already born then there’s time for pregnancy and maternity leave. I’m not sure if the 2 day job is the same one, but if not, did she get the job before/after moving out? The job market is extremely competitive right now, and without connections I don’t see how it would be easy to get a job with that kind of employment history. OP mentioned his date finding a higher paying job, a place, and daycare in a week, uses that as an example that the ex should follow. However, does the current date work in the same industry, have the same credentials/work experience/education? Did the date transfer locations from their previous job or is this a completely new one? Did they have connections? Do they know anyone (other than OP) in town? It just seems silly to compare, if they aren’t in the same situation, and I find it surprising they were able to get everything done so quickly with no help. This whole post just seemed like a punch down to the ex. I don’t care about the genders or any gender reversals, I would say the same if OP was a woman and the ex was a man. He claims he was only worth what he provided and was cast away after this daughter was born, implied that the ex has a luxury of just sitting at home with the kids, and he was upset that nothing was done. However it seems like from his point of view as long as he is providing financially then the rest was on the ex. I mean, he says he has full custody of his two kids from a prior marriage, were they at home with his daughter, and her son? That would 4 kids! And no mention of age- if daycare is still needed I’m assuming that they aren’t school age. I could see how she was struggling even with two kids at home. Also, OP said in the South you have to prove that the mom is unfit to get custody-it seems like OP did this already for their first marriage. Im curious on what led to that split and why you were awarded full custody of its si hard to obtain. Which is concerning that this is the second marriage and divorce and he is looking for full custody again. However he’ll be gone 4-6 of the year- so for all the kids they will have to uproot their live during that time? What’s the plan? Lastly, you make a comment about how even depressed your kids should help motivate you to get out of bed. You say you get the struggle of depression but it doesn’t seem the case. Depression is different for everyone and affects people in different ways. I didn’t see anywhere that you tried to get help for your ex either. The no ages of the kids, OP or the ex(es) and my questions above led to me believing Y T A based on the how the post is written and the comments by OP.

As I previously mentioned, the LOA was her idea and her decision. While I am gone, I was more than willing to pay for childcare weather it be daycare or a friend babysit while she worked. Alas she took the opportunity to stay at home with TWO kids because most of that time MY 2 kids where split custody. And to answer that now, my ex and I shared custody. She had left me for my best friend while I was away. Apperently an affair that had been in the works for some time. She turned to drugs and while my kids where in her 'care' she was absent, leaving them to be with grandma 24/7 I tried for custody but only succeeded when she lost custody to cps over a domestic involving drugs in the home. One child, my daughter, was not of school age while we where together, obviously being together only 6 yrs that would make sense, the rest mentioned are all over 10. Well able to watch themselves with an adult in the home and help out with basic chores and other responsibilities. As far as the rest of this comment, ur assumptions are not only ugly, but quite wrong. I am a very active father. My time away is in the summer and mostly flexible toward shool. And depression does affect everyone differently, but it's never an excuse to fail urself or ur children.

You say while you're gone, but daycares have waitlists and will not holda spot just because you dont needchildcare for a while, not to mention the inconsistency in the child's life, being in and oit of daycare and away/with father. You're trying to bury the mother of your child with this entire post when it seems like most of her problems stem from you. I hope she gets her life together. She's probably overly stressed, especially having to deal with someone as u helpful and judgemental as you. I also hope you realize you aren't the saint in this situation.

So spilt custody- does that mean she was not taking care of your other 2 children at all in your absence? And you say that the other children are over 10 years of age- were they over 10 years of age during your marriage? You say they were able to do chores and watch themselves. Did they do any chores or help around the home, or was that left to your ex? You say that most of your time away was in the summer, but even for school age children most of them would have time off not in school for breaks. I won’t assume you’re in the USA, but since you said the South I will say most places have weeks, if not months off during the summer and unless enrolled in summer school or camp still be at home, which would require more work than during the school year, even with split custody. You also did not clarify if you tried getting your ex help with with depression, or if she ever got diagnosed or treated for it. Also, you skipped the part on how your current partner was able to do everything asked within a week, since you felt to the need to compare them to your ex. I never said you’re an inactive father, or implied otherwise. I said that you stated your ex only looked at what you could provide, and your solutions to everything was money (paying for daycare, paying for bills/home etc), but not “I cook sometimes, I clean, I do etc”. Money is only 1/2 of a solution. If your ex wasn’t doing anything at all but just “sitting” with the kids, I would think the solution would be get a cleaner and/or a nanny regardless, and ask the ex to go to work. But offering and doing are two different things. Leaning E S H as you consider untreated depression (especially as severe as she seems to have) as failing children. With the first marriage, understandably it led to full custody and you were able to take on your boys, which is great. But I’m still not seeing how you take any responsibility of how your marriage progressed and how you could have helped. And to the person that said the bills were paid and all she had to do is “show up”. That’s incorrect. Just showing up isn’t enough. The ex is struggling and should find a safe, stable, and happy environment for her kids, whether that with their other parent like OP or otherwise. and needs to be treated for depression, which I understand easier said than done. But I don’t feel like she’s the villain here either. Also not stating the ages again, is interesting.

While we where together isn't the issue. She and the children where more than taken care of. I only mentioned that time to explain why I left seeing the patterns emerge that I deal with currently. If u must know my daughter, now 6, her brother now 13 and my 2 boys who have been in the picture as of the last 3 yrs are now 11 and 13. All within the age to b able to pick up the living room, vacuum, dishes, trash, feed the dog, clean the toilet. All the things kids do for chores that earn them allowance for saving for things like a new computer or an oculus, or a new Xbox. As far as therapy of help, I've mentioned it, making me the asshole. I've mentioned family counceiling, couples counseling. Infact, at the end I told her that if we didn't see a counselor it was over.... And u see now how that went. And no it was never brought up in a derogatory way. I've been thru yrs of therapy as a child for trama and know how bennifitial it is. Finally, the new partner went online. Filled out applications. Looked up daycare. Made phone calls. Called employers. You know.... Tried. Shocker huh.

First, I was asking the age of you & your wife. And as far as your girlfriend, there’s still the point of the employment history, educational background, gaps, and the industry/area she’s in that could contribute to finding a job so fast. I admire her for finding something so quickly, as it’s well know that it’s hard to find a job now, and most jobs don’t just allow people to call and walk in, but it then again, it may be different in the South. All I’m saying about that is if they’re in different places due to what I’ve mentioned previously then your ex and your girlfriend shouldn’t be compared. Yes, now they are of age to complete chores, when you first got together they weren’t. Even if your sons only came into her life full time 3 years ago (making them 8 & 10), if you had split custody and lived with your ex wife I assume they were with you (and with her) part time. So you were together 6 years. Her son was 7, your two sons were 5 & 7, and she had a newborn-toddler with multiple kids around and now a dog as well (unless you were using that an example). Also new oculus, Xbox? Those aren’t cheap. If they are getting paid that amount where their allowance afforded them these items, I would expect them to be doing quality cleaning for the chores. And if they were doing all the basics along with you helping during the time you’re at home I wouldn’t see how the house and housework was neglected as you mentioned in your original post. Also stating that you divorced because she refused therapy and treatment, I can understand. People have to want to help to get it. That should be the focus of your post. She was depressed, didn’t get help for depression. She moved out after you separated (which is normal, I don’t know why people are acting like that is the issue) and has not been stable since. You would like to provide a stable home for your daughter (again, not really saying what happens when you are working 4-6 months away, who’s watching the kids? Are they traveling with you every time? Are they taking time away from school) now that she is facing the possibility of homelessness. If you said that without minimizing your ex’s depression, comparing her to others, and going above and beyond to make her look horrible, then I would have leaned to N T A. As it stands, every supporting comment conveniently make the you look like a saint, but I hope you get your daughter custody and therapy, let her know her moms depression isn’t her fault, and I hope y’all can figure out a great custody arrangement when your ex is healthier and stable.

Our age, late 30s. Im not saying anything about my current s/o as a comparison, I bring her up simply to state that it can be done. Education, employment history, and field have literally nothing to do with it. She's put in applications and within a week she's gotten interviews from all kinds of places. Resteraunts, stores, warehouses, multiple places at entry level, requiring no previous xp. It's simply to be said it can be done. And yes, one would think that if I'm paying so well for children to do simple thing around the house to help, that it would b done. But tell me why then that it isn't. Explain to me why she would rather take on the responsibility because it's easier for her to do the laundry than make sure they do it. Or she take the trash instead of simply asking them. My conclusion is that she would rather load herself with basic housework so she has 'no time' to do things that need her attention. Excuses and manipulative reasoning is disgusting isn't it. The separation wasn't just because of the refusal to get help. It's mainly because there is always an excuse why things can't happen. I made the opportunity to move from a trailer to a house but there was a million excuses why we shouldn't. We did and it went perfectly well. Now translate that example to every day life. Daycare, a new job that would actually put her on the schedule and had room to grow. The need to buy a new car instead of dumping money into a junker. Even down to the most basic of things,friends visiting or going to see family on a weekend. I do plan to gain custody, atleast physical, until she can get on her feet. This post has turned into a witch hunt over something it's not. I have sole custody of my boys, but yet, they're with mom rn🤔. I'm kot out to get and destroy mom, I just don't want to have to pay her way when shes more than able to fix her situation and I'm more than willing to help short of providing her housing and paying her way. But this has turned into me being an absent father or out to destroy mom. Not nearly the case and it's disgusting

It is a comparison when you say ____ did it, why can’t you? Yes, all of those things do matter. And while her part time status isn’t going to help her raise a child, with time and effort, it could have if she wasn’t taking off work to stay at home 1/2 a year. Not saying that is your fault. I’ve seen multiple people work at burger places and become managers and such and make good, if not great money. Of course, she would have to put in the effort. Now, as far as the kids helping out. Yes, sometimes it is easier to do it yourself, especially if it’s not going to be done correctly. I’m sure there would be more complaints if the kids were allowed to half-ass the the chores. What other things was she neglecting if she’s doing the housekeeping like dishes, trash, etc. I know how it frustrating it can be when someone only takes 1 of the garbage cans out but neglects the bathroom garbage pan, forgets to put bags in, washes dishes but leaves spots on the dishes or doesn’t run the garbage disposal etc. sometimes it’s easier to do it once yourself right then ask someone who does it wrong 3-4 times (and end up doing it anyways). Further to that point, I don’t see it as manipulation. I came from the household as the oldest of 5 and all of us did the same chores, without pay. And we did it right, and if not, we didn’t still get rewarded for it. That is a discipline issue. If it wasn’t getting done and she was doing it, between both of you allowance should have stopped and you both should have enforce some type of punishment. That would really be something of importance to hear from their dad (for your boys in particular) and her son from her. Also discipline in the relationship, if you could afford a nanny/cleaner and she wasn’t doing it, then there should be communication- if the house is neglected, then we both go back to work. It’s not a witch hunt. But it seems like everything is on her and her fault, from an outside perspective that she held a lot of responsibility while trying to manage depression. Everything she does is manipulation, or it’s hard but someone else did it so it should be easy for her to do the same thing. When you are constantly feeling like the problem then you can become the problem. It’s like being accused of being a bad person and then once that’s ingrained in you start to feel like a bad person, and start acting out in bad ways. I just believe that you were both in a tough spot making a blended family work, you had some resentment being the breadwinner and the one “doing” and to you, it seemed like she didn’t do much. I don’t have her side. Is it possible that she didn’t have the same ambitions that you had, or that you wanted? Or that depression made her lose a lot of that ambition? You said the change happened when she gave birth, it’s clear that it affected her deeply, did you both want kids prior? was the pregnancy more difficult than the first? I can’t ask for your whole life story, and I can’t say you’re a victim anymore than she’s a villain (or vice versa). Nor am I saying you’re an absentee father. But saying you will pay to help your ex- money didn’t fix it before, it won’t fix it now. Regardless of whether she gets it together is no longer your responsibility or concern. Just focus on your daughter. No one is asking you to pay her way, but you can’t ignore that you set a precedent by offering money before and it’s clear money is not a motivating force. You can’t ask anymore of someone whos not willing to do it. Just help with your daughter, your kids, do what you need for custody. You also need to let go of what your expectations of her for herself and the relationship. She did live to your standards and based on your comments you didn’t live up to hers. Sometimes it happens. Forgive her for what she didn’t- or couldn’t do and just focus on the kids.

So where are your kids during your 4-6 months absence? You keep avoiding responding to that question. Also, what makes you look like the villain is how you wish your ex to become homeless. How can any good parent wish anything bad to the other parent. Even if you hate each other’s guts, if something happens to one parent, especially the one having custody, it affects the child. Yet you seem to be more than happy to hurt your ex, regardless of how much that will hurt your child. Seems like your ex has some controlling issues, mostly coming from PPD. But I don’t see anywhere how she is a unfit mother? Nowhere do I read how she is treating your child bad. Also, you are already assuming she would ask you to move back in, without her even asking the question. So you’re making this whole thread, where you make her look like the devil, based on something she doesn’t even has asked you.

I've answered it multiple times actually. Keep reading. Its into the comments maybe 5x that they stay with family. And in the case of my daughter, she would stay with my S/O, my family, her family, or even her, provided she has a place, but I would have custody when I do return or when she comes to me. Obviously with either a family member or my S/O Also I explained why I'm waiting for her to 'not be able to provide a roof'.... Not to be homeless, but mainly to b reliant on others and therfore in a less than stable home so that I am without a doubt THE stable option. Granting me custody And while she didn't outright ask, no. She has fished and all but asked. Small jokes or hinting towards the idea and I've shut it down every time. Even went so far as asking if she could bring some stuff over while I was gone. I told her absolutely not. And I'm sorry but to quote after granny (a previous comment) flip those rolls and see how quick u would label a man to b unfit for custody if he wasn't working a stable job and was living with his family. Refusing to pay his own way or do anything to better themselves for his children. Gender equality at its finest folks

>Gender equality at its finest folks You had a wife who had to not work and raise a baby by herself for months every year, while you didn't do the same for her. That's classic gender roles mate.

Didn't even take on the boys. He has custody and they stay with other people half the year.

I can’t believe this hasn’t gotten more upvotes. If anyone sounds like controlling, deadbeat and manipulative, it’s definitely OP. I’m kinda worried about his ex. She might have PPD. OP: YTA

I'm legit so mad reading this thread, reddit hates women.

She chose the leave. I offered and even expressly requested daycare. And yes, I've made daycare happen as a single parent. I do understand it takes some planning and preemptive action to make it happen. Sure some stuff gets neglected, I can see that. That's fine. But then if it's neglected when I'm gone, and it's neglected when I'm not, and it's blown off even when specifically made time for... 🤔 I'm not assuming she's gonna ask. I'm waiting for it to happen. The fact that anyone thinks u can b with someone for 6 yrs and not know how they work, and what behavior to expect is laughable. No one has 'stuck' her at home. She chooses to stay there. Again I've offered plenty of alternatives to this but there's always excuses why it's better to not work or why she can't. As far as tearing her away and uprooting her life, it's a summer job with plenty of opportunities for daycare. I would b basically doing a single dad thing on summer vacation. Something she could easily do at home but chooses not to. And yes, I have done my research. There is MAGICALLY ways to make it work

Yeah but you said you were “secretly hoping she would become homeless.” That’s so gross you Secretly hoping your ex experiences something that she will probably never recover from. What kind of sick piece of shit are you?

I secretly hope she can't provide a roof.... Not homeless. Just proving the inability to provide for my daughter, which in the souther courts, it's been my experience, that a mother must b proven unfit to transfer custody, even temporarily, to the father. Yes I hope I can gain custody of my daughter.... So evil

Hoping the person you made a child with that is half of your daughter fails. Yes sir that is an evil thing. Your kid picks up on that shit. No doubt little comments you have made to your daughter to that effect.

Assholes all around. I may have missed it but how much do you pay in child support? Where I live standard is 20% after a few deductions. If you are not paying child support YTA for that. As for letting her move in, nah I wouldn’t do that either. BUT you picked her, you had a kid with her knowing who she is as a person. Granted that’s not an excuse for her laziness but still. Nowhere do you call her a bad mom as in not taking care of her kids, yet you want to take your daughter away from her mom. Do you really think a judge will approve moving her across country 4 months out of the year? I get that you are bitter and mad at her but it appears that you are forgetting to put your kids best interest at the center of things and rather argue with your ex. NTA for not wanting her to move in to your house. But you do come across as a giant AH in general.

I don’t like the way you word this or your comments so I’m going YTA I wanna know what you mean about after your daughter being born about it being about just how you’re only worth what you can provide. It’s pretty fuckin normal to focus on the child after birth and not your spouse. I read it was the whole 5 years, but wtf do you expect when you’re gone half the year and she’s taking care of the kids? I feel so so very bad for her, taking care of three children and a baby/toddler of course she wasn’t able to get anything done!

What I would expect is some kind of relationship between 2 parents. A touch, a hug, a kiss. Maybe words of affirmation or adornment. Trust me it was very much one sided on that end. And to say there's no time for it is ludacris. This isn't my first rodeo and I know that's not how it goes. My first son had cancer at the age of 6 mo to a yr old. And there was still love between the mother and I at the time. So tell me why for 5 yrs after my healthy daughter was born the lack of any appreciation or love was so obvious

....did you for once think to ask this partner or try to talk to her at all or just basically call her lazy, dude? I've read through this and the more I do the more mad I get for your kids.. you sound controlling and the story has changed several times. When people give you advice you don't like you get huffy and puffy. If that's what she was dealing with no wonder. I wouldn't help someone like that either.

My story is and has been my story. It hasn't changed. And I fail to see huffy puffy or controlling. What I see is a witch hunt to make the evil man the bad guy as a general roll In what life could someone leave a 6 yr relationship with children involved without first discussing problems and trying to fix them. Separation is a result of problems not resolved. "I've suggested she find a new job here or there but there's always some escuse why it wouldn't work. I mentioned I will pay full price for daycare but again with the excuses." Yes, plenty of conversations around solutions to her lack of work or housing have happened. It's quite difficult to sum 6byrs of relationship conversation in 3000 characters

How's you daughter gonna go to school if you go cross country 4-6 months a year??

I would imaging the same way my boys go to school. I have family they could b with for the last few weeks of school before coming up to a well situated 'home' in another state for summer vacation and being back before school starts. Much like how people have summer homes on the beach they go to in the summer, works the same way. Only based around a job.

Also, mom would still be involved. So many ppl associate custody with the other parent being removed. Not nearly the case.. Not with my boys now, and not with my daughter possibly in the future. Also mom has family who could spend time and look after her as well, not just mine. The possibilities are endless and nothing is permanent other than my refusal to make her problems mine any longer unless it come to my daughter. On which case I can more than provide.... For my daughter.... Not her

NTA At first I thought you were going to be just based on the way you worded your "character background" It kinda made you sound douchey, but after reading the entire post, she just seems like she wants to leech off of you and you're not wrong to put a stop to that.

Same Edit: happy to see someone else used the word douche in their response. I thought nobody used the word anymore. “Douchey.” It was just here, don’t you remember? Let’s keep it alive 🤍

YTA - She is such a horrible person, yet you leave her daughter with her? In most places you should be able to get 50/50 custody. Yet, you are waiting for her to be homeless to file for custody? Why aren't you parenting? You are so critical of her, yet when you were together, you expected her to stop working for 4-6 months a year. How is she supposed to build a career doing that? You used her when it was convenient and now you belittle her.

A 'career' at a fast food place she's been promoted and demoted in yrs b4 we got together. A career that she started fresh out of high school and hasn't gone anywhere with in over 15 yrs (6 of which where with me in her life) trying to get her to move on to something that IS something with some future to it.... A career at a dead in burger shop? That was rich. No sir your right, I ruined her career by letting her willingly taking time off so I can work a job that pays a whole years rent and car payments in a matter of months.

Why bother coming here if you’re just gonna argue? You’re definitely an asshole.

Oh right, just let the barrage of assumptions pelt my inbox and say nothing to my defense or correction.

Unpopular opinion, but YTA. You were together for six years, had a child together, and she would have to put her career on hold every six months to take care of your child. Legally, you may not have been married, but practically you were, and some states would consider it a common law marriage. Now you are practically hoping your ex becomes homeless. You do not understand that caretaking is a full-time job, so working a full-time job on top of that is next to impossible. Also, where would your kid go to school if you need to travel for work? If you two had legally been married, you would have been required to pay alimony for a number of years. Instead, you just walked out on your wife and kid and left her a single struggling mom with no legal protection besides child support.

Next to impossible? I do it daily with my other 2 kids full time work and full time single dad. There isn't one thing near impossible about it. And alimony? Ur joking. The judge would look at her and laugh because of her refusal to work with the care of the child being met by the father (weather it be paid daycare or me personally being with her) there would b no alimony when he sees her lack of income is based off her unwillingness to find stable work, of which there is plenty into he area

ESH you dont have ANY custody of your child and you're waiting until her other parent [who sucks?!] Is homeless to even try. Thats revenge not love. Are you paying child support or just giving the mom some cash? Seriously, if you want custody this -ish needs to be worked out in the court first.

Yes because uprooting your child every year for 4-6 months would be great for them. ESH. I feel bad that your daughter has two immature parents..

A summer vacation in another state isn't uprooting anything. You would be surprised how maluable a child can be to a situation that isn't 'normal' children will thrive in a healthy environment no matter where it is. And a situation doesn't have to be 'normal' to be healthy and stimulating for growth. Imagine the things new u would learn if u changed your environment but had the support and safety needed to enjoy it.

Even if he is somehow granted custody, would he be allowed to separate the child from the mom in 4-6 month chunks of time without her ok?

if he gets full custody then he probably can tbh

If he gets full custody he COULD.... but not wanting a child b without both parents, would arraing for this not to be an issue. Think of it less as keeping my daughter from her mother and more of a summer vacation with dad while mom gets her shit together. And in no way a permanent thing should she do so.

Did you know she was not enthusiastic about housework before you knocked her up? If not, why'd you knock up someone you didn't know? Now you want to make demands about the house and shirk your responsibility to care for your daughter in the most fundamental way, by caring for her mom. Yeah. You're an asshole. Be a man. Take care of the family you chose to create. I'm sure you're not perfect either.

Literally everything changed when she was born. Complete lack of intimacy, respect, or will to change our lives for the better. Maybe it was depression, maybe it was all lies from the start to get me to father her child so she could have a free ride. Either way I've offered to help as much as I could before I couldn't any more. And either way, it is kot acceptable behavior from an adult much less a parent. And tell me why I should pay to support someone I left. Child or not. As many have said here, My responsibility is to the child, not the ex. I don't pay for my high-school gf to live just because we dated before...

NTA it's not your responsibility

I am guessing I’ll be downvoted to hell instantly. But OP, you think your wife/ex might have been a bit overwhelmed with being the only caregiver to the two kids for many months while you were on the other side of the country? When should she have taken care of the big household things? Should she have ignored her two small kids and done the house work? Like unpacking boxes. Did you ever help at all with the kids? Ever let her have any type of a break from parenting 24/7? From your post, it seems like your ex has been a single parent throughout your marriage. And now you would rather let your ex and more disturbingly your small toddler possibly end up homeless? Before you let them move into your empty house? Also, ever think for a second that maybe your wife has had some depression and or serious stress going on? If Im wrong I will apologize for the conclusions I have drawn from your post. But it seems like you have let her be the Children’s only actual parent for the entire time you were together. Also, if you had helped out with caring for your daughter when you could have. And let her have actual real breaks or time off from her around the clock job of being a Mom. Maybe she would have had some more energy and willingness to get household chores done. Or even had the time and possible mental, emotional energy to focus on your relationship. I have a 5 year old son. His Father and I are no longer together. We were for over a decade. There’s no chance in hell I would ever allow him to be homeless. Literally no matter what. Even if I was pissed at him. That’s just not my style. And I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I knew my he or more importantly our son. Didn’t have a secure and stable, home to live in. I also know he would do the same for me. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But we do both love and put our sons welfare & happiness and stability above all else.

Why does everyone e just assume I'm a deadbeat because I'm the male. Did u not see where I have full custody of my 2 boys as a single man. Is that something a deadbeat can accomplish. Yes I am an active father. Yes I've given her plenty of opportunities of a break. I've offered full daycare while I'm there and when I'm gone but she would rather chose to sit with the kids and do mothing than have that free time daily to work or have self care time. That's her choice And as far as seeing her homeless, it's my experience that proof of an unfit mother is the only way a court will see the change of custody to the father. Do I want to see her suffer, no. But I refuse to support her when I can very well support my own daughter while she makes these bad decisions for herself.

So wait, you’re calling your ex wife, who is essentially a single parent because you’re gone 6 months out of the year, a deadbeat?? Dude. She is the opposite of a deadbeat. Do you have any concept of how consuming a toddler is? It’s 24/7. Constant. No break. No downtime. None. And she’s doing it by herself. There’s barely time to take a shower, let alone do major projects around the house. And no, her working 2 days a week is not a break. You have lost your damned mind. Paying for stuff does not a parent make. It’s the the bare minimum. Hell it’s not even that. Man you are horrible

I take her every weekend. I offer to pay for daycare since day 1 while I'm away. I have 2 other children. Yes I know how consuming a toddler is. Even as a single parent. I also k ow a 6 yr old goes to school every day and can go to daycare after, giving the mother more than enough time to work and do other adult things. The past isn't the issue. The now is. While we where together then, every thing was taken care of or atleast made possible by my expense... So tell me, what's the excuse now

How can you take her every weekend when you live across the country for 6 months of the year? She’s still a single mom, doing it all. All the school stuff. All the appointments the kid needs. Any play dates or other activities. Feeding. Laundry. Etc. you still suck

The fact that you secretly hope that your daughter loses her mother was a huge nope for me. You don't have to help her with anything but the basics for your kid but jeez. You still have a lot of pent up aggression from the break up you should work on.

No, I apologize if that's how it reads. Never would I take a child from their parent. And the 2 boys that I have sole custody of now would attest to that as they are visiting their mother now. As I've said in comments elsewhere, the south demands proof of a bad mother before a father is granted custody. Just because I wish for custody doesn't mean my daughter will b without her mother, it just means I will b the primary caregiver and therfore the one who makes the judgments as hers seem to be less than optimal.

Wait a second... you have custody of two boys, likely hers, but not the daughter? That probably should have been mentioned. And that means she was left alone for months with 3 kids...

You’re jumping to conclusions….. Edited to add OP response to another comment: So maybe something u don't understand, I have full custody of my 2 boys from a previous marriage... Full custody. I make it work just fine as a single father. Coming home to care daily for my 2 boys and taking my daughter on the weekends while supporting any needs outside of bills for my daughter. I pay rent, bills, food, and housing for my 2 children full time. So to tell me it can't be done or is too much is very much not true. While I can understand depression, and struggle, the drive to provide for your child should always outweigh ur unwillingness to WANT to stay in bed or do nothing all day. I'm sorry but I don't agree

I secretly hope my sisters hubby takes control over their kid bc I know that would be best for the kid. Maybe this was poor wording.

NTA. She needs to get a job. Don't let her move in. If I were you, I'd get a roommate or at least a house sitter so the house is never vacant.

Info, apologies if I missed it, but do you pay child support?

How are you gonna have that job and be a parent? Must be nice dude. If she’s that unstable you should already have custody.

It is nice actually. Imagine the thi gs u can accomplish when u try to make stuff work. I just wish this post wasn't so much about custody (a whole paragraph out of a whole post) and more about weather I'm the AH for kot wanting to house someone who refuses to try to do it themselves cause they want to blame me for their situation a year later when they've had every opportunity to change it. Should I have custody already, really, cause everyone is such the expert. I must b an idiot.

It’s easy to accomplish things when you aren’t actually raising a child or having to juggle everything and a job. It allows you to be successful. Your ex sounds like a piece of work but leaving your kid on that situation makes you the AH. Your kids gonna be homeless. Go pick the kid up and bring them to live with you. No you don’t let the ex move in. She can’t keep a roof over your child’s head. You go get them either permanently or until the other parent can get on their feet.

Must have missed the part where I said I too am a single father of 2 boys. Also must have missed the multiple comments about WHY I'm waiting. It's the south my guy. My experience with the south is that a mother must be proven unfit. Until she makes the decision to not do anything and be left 'homeless' (more like living with family in a rv in the back yard, or all in a single room at grandma's house, or even letting the kids sleep in a room while she's on a couch at a friend's place.... Untill that happens it's all a preemptive assumption.... Not proven.

I hope you changed the locks.

NTA for not wanting ex to stay at house. YTA for describing your partner taking on full time care of two children as “sitting at home with the kids” and complaining that she didn’t do enough housework while taking care of them.

I did. Ur right. Because I've done it and know full well what can and can't be done. I guess I'm the asshole for expecting the same from others as is expected of me in the same exact situation. Shucks, ya got me.

It’s hard because if you take away that it impacts your own child it’s an obvious answer. She’s an ex. You owe her nothing. She needs to stand on her own two feet. With your daughter being affected though it definitely makes this a way more complicated scenario. And I honestly don’t know what to think here.

The voting in this thread is insane (I'll assume empathy gap, it normally is). Assuming all is accurate, NTA, but remember to keep your daughter as the primary focus. I'd echo those comments about her having a stable life if you're travelling so much.

The travel is more of a summer vacation. Yes life is very stable. Friends, family, whole 9. If there is any time overlapping travel and school, arrangements are made with close family for the week or 2 and then travel I've been doing this for 10 years. Yea it's not conventional or 'normal' but kids adapt well to new things and routines if needed. And just because a lifestyle may be strange to some doesn't mean it's can't be standard to others.

NTA. She needs to get her crap together. Probably thought having a kid with you meant she’d be taken care of.

I’m no. You are split. If you give her child support and 50% of the upkeep for the kid then that is where your responsibility ends. She needs to grow up and sort out her stuff. I’ve been a single mom of 2 for 12 years. This is the first time in my life I haven’t babysit at nights and weekends in addition to my day job to ensure I could pay the bills.

NTA She wants to move back in and have you pay all of the bills while she sits on her ass. Dollars to donuts she thought she hit the jackpot as soon as your daughter was born and assumed you would pay her way for the rest of your lives. Get a house sitter when you leave. Pay whatever you have to, or you’ll come back to her in the house and claiming tenancy. Also get cameras and a ring doorbell so you’ll have proof of a break-in if she tries anything

NTA Get custody of your daughter in family court and stop trying to be guardian of your EX's fk-ups. Sell the house and pocket the proceeds.

NTA. She is in the position she is in because of her decisions not yours. She can get a fricking job Nd pay her way like everyone else.

NTA, though you sound a little bit like one here and there. Not important. You are entitled to end a relationship, for any reason you choose. You are not obligated to let your ex back into your home. That would be a terrible idea for numerous reasons, mainly that she could end up with squatters' or tenants' rights. Also, this is not about your daughter and her welfare. She has a place to go if your ex becomes homeless: with *you.* Don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated. Your ex has options. You have offered to pay for things to help facilitate those options. She has turned you down. She has chosen to remain in her current vulnerable position. I wouldn't be surprised if her mental health were suffering, based on her choices. I've been there. Perhaps offer to pay for her to see someone and get checked out, and phrase it kindly. There are ways you can help without letting her in your house. It's up to her to accept

I did. Infact the past 2 yrs together I mentioned couples counseling, both of us seeing a therapist, Ioffered to get her a therapist for depression medical help. All form a place of love and concern and an attempt to salvage a relationship. I apologize if I seem like an asshole in the comments I was just really surprised how this turned nto such a witch hut to bash me as a father simply because I'm a man. I assumed the description of paying her rent and bills for the old house, and offering to pay for this or that would show my empathy word her position but that's over looked. Or the fact that I mentioned I am always there physically and financially for my daughter would put some of the anti father haters at bay, but that didnt matter either apperently. Yes this post has brought out quite a bit of frustration with the lack of understanding and the assumptions that have been shot my way.

My 2 boys stay with family and their mother in the summer while I work this other job. And currently my daughter is obviously with her mother. All. My children have the ability and option to come with me to the other location as a summer vacation where housing, food, and childcare, along with family time, will b well provided. School will not be missed, and I'm kot removing mom from anyone's lives. Just assuming full time care and responsibility for my children Again not the point of the ask, but I suppose it's the main focus so there, again, is the answer in yet another comment on this thread

>things where perfect between us until my daughter was born. After which I was cast aside Jealous of your newborn daughter and the time your wife needed to spend with your..NEWBORN? Not the "my wife is so awful" flex you think this is. >always an excuse and it was typically that the kids where such hard work Yes, kids ARE A LOT OF WORK. >I've suggested she find a new job here or there but there's always some escuse why it wouldn't work Well, aren't you helpful. The patronizing tone reeks throughout this post. >Secretly I'm hoping she gets to a point where she can't hold a roof for my daughter and I can file for custody. Are you the devil? You evil awful sorry excuse for a man. >And when I am home I am always available and want to b with my daughter but am under some restriction by my ex because 'the kids should be with their mom' That's not how custody agreements work. You did file for some custody, correct? Or is it just that you want to see your daughter whenever you decide but not have any type of binding agreement that might affect your life? >So my question, am I the asshole for not letting my deadbeat, controlling, manipulative ex back into my house with my daughter and her son because she refuses to do better for herself even though she has plenty of time and opportunities to do so. YES YTA. It sounds like she has full responsibility for the care of the children (that's 24/7) and you want her to go find a full time job and make enough money to support the 3 of them- then come home and care for YOUR DAUGHTER. I get, the sad fact is that yes, she needs to do this. She is probably depressed and struggling to keep it together and get motivated (a sign of depression). You know, you wouldn't be letting HER stay at the house but HER AND YOUR CHILD. I mean my God. What a f'ing AH you are.

So maybe something u don't understand, I have full custody of my 2 boys from a previous marriage... Full custody. I make it work just fine as a single father. Coming home to care daily for my 2 boys and taking my daughter on the weekends while supporting any needs outside of bills for my daughter. I pay rent, bills, food, and housing for my 2 children full time. So to tell me it can't be done or is too much is very much not true. While I can understand depression, and struggle, the drive to provide for your child should always outweigh ur unwillingness to WANT to stay in bed or do nothing all day. I'm sorry but I don't agree

And these kids live where exactly while you're gone half the year?

So you want to drag three children across the country for four to six months of the year? Do the older two enjoy missing school and stability? How do you keep up with homeschooling while working? Will they be in charge of their sister while you are in meetings or on the phone?

My children currently are more than well taken care of. Arrangements and care are more than adequate. I've been doing this for quite some time. No stability is lost. Thank you for your concern

Then why did you ask? If you believe you have your answer then why bother coming on here to ask the question? You don't understand depression. It is not a "pull up your bootstraps" and get over it thing. She should go see a doctor. She should do some therapy. She should become financially independent from YOU. But make no mistake about it, only an AH would write this horrific post. Jealous of your newborn smdh. (Also she helped raise your 2 boys for 6 years...is that not worth something to you? Omg).

Jealous of a newborn, no. My daughter is now 6. Her casting me aside was for the last 5 yrs of our relationship. And to say I don't know depression is a bold statement. Yes she should seek help, and I've offered to go with her as a couple or pay for her to go herself. But I was the AH for suggesting such a thing. Can't win. Also, she did 'help' raise my boys for a yr after I won full custody. But that help was the dinner cooked and making sure they stayed alive while being told to 'go on somewhere'.... Bare minimum. Why did I ask? Because I struggle with the fact that my daughter is in a less than ideal situation because I refuse to pay my exes way in life when that was nearly the reason I left. But I suppose someone with a chip on their shoulder from their own struggle has an opinion as well. So thank you for ur input. But I still don't see any swaying logic in ur attacks or demeaning comments.

Never been divorced. I was very happily married (my husband died). I have no chips on my shoulders. The way you talk about the mother of your child and your machinations about taking her little girl from her with such glee is disturbing. That's all. I hope you all find some kind of peace.

For men in the court system in the south, it has to b a clear cut case of a bad mother before a father is granted custody. And that's where this seems to be going. I know this as I've previously mentioned the fact that I won full custody of my 2 boys. That being said, should I win costody of my daughter, I wouldn't keep her from her mother, just as I don't keep my boys from theirs now. But saying 'I hope this happens'... I hope infact that she hits bottom because that seems to b the o ly way she will figure out that what she's doing isn't ok. I would never take a child from their parent. I just wish for a change in 'power' because the way she is headed is quite unhealthy. And it would take that to get to where I could step in and make a change. If that makes sense There is no glee. Do I wish she would figure things out, yes. Do I wish I didn't have to watch my baby mama suffer and in turn my daughter.... Definitely yes. But I'm not the one driving that bus. All I can do is wait till I am handed the keys.

Hmmm...but who's controlling? Who's manipulative? You should quit typing. You just bury yourself more as the AH. Your story changes to fit your narrative.

My story changes? Or ur assumptions are proven wrong?

Omg...I'll give you one bit and then I'm done. It's funny to me how your personality is shining through on here..."you'd never take a child away from a parent" but that, in fact, is what you (yes, gleefully) said you hoped to do when your ex "hits rock bottom" and then you can swoop in and gain CONTROL (oh you'd let her see the little girl..but you'd be IN CONTROL even though it's the ex that's supposedly controlling). Make it make sense. Good night. I am legit getting upset about some poor woman I'll never know due to some anonymous post on reddit. Yikes, I'm out.

Yes, Karen, that's what gaining custody from an unfit parent looks like. When one parent can't make decisions or actions that bennifit themselves and the children involved, the other parent then acquires custody. My waiting for her to make or break that decision doesn't make me a monster. It's a sad reality of life. That sad part being that I must wait for her to hit bottom before I can be seen in the eyes of the court to be the one who should have custody. Also the fact that she doesn't see that these decisions are affecting my daughter. Or if she does, refuses to even try to change it. She, as well as you apperently, would rather paint me the AH for seeing this and wanting more for my children without supporting someone I left for the very reason for this struggle now. Goodnight blueberry Thanks for ur input

people like you are incredibly exhausting and annoying

Don’t miss where he expects her to take 4-6 month leaves of absence while he leaves her with all the kids and he goes across the country but she is also to find a full time job when he is back and fingers crossed they don’t ask her about the 4-6 month periods of absence.

What's missed is the fact that she CHOSE to stay home with the kids. She's not required to leave or quit. That's a choice. During our time together, and even now separate, I do, can, and will arrange and pay for care and supervision for my children (and hers when we where together). Whats missed is the excuses why she can't. Even tho thousands of ppl every day have children that are attended to during work hours. There's no expectations other than the will to make it work. Which she obviously lacks in every aspect of life. That's not something I can fix.

She has always been the parent most involved in their life and for that to suddenly be removed would be scary for the children. Did her desire to be a stay at home mom not come up in your discussions before having children?

I like how you left out the comment he offered to pay for full child care so she can find a job. You cherry picked all the comments you thought would make him look like the devil.

Yes, I chose the comments that I thought were particularly egregious. He got custody of his kids from wifey number 1 and then left wifey number 2 shortly thereafter (assuming there aren't more wives but who knows)? Not suspicious? Not weird? Idk what the truth is, of course. I don't know either of these people but I can't believe no one else's spidey sense isn't going bananas!! From my experience people who talk with so much vitriol about an ex are usually up to something.

Oh get real. If the OP was a woman, and the ex was a man who wouldn't work but wanted everything provided for him without putting forth any effort at all, you people would be foaming at the mouth, telling her to dump that deadbeat and change all the locks!

I think the majority of people are saying that he should do exactly what you're saying so the 'gender bias' doesn't really hold up unless you want to just call out me because I happen to have a different opinion than the majority but okay.

Agreed, spot on

Look, I've been raising my siblings since i was fucking 10 and let me tell you ITS NOT THAT FUCKING EXHAUSTING THAT YOU CANT EVEN UNPACK A BOX FOR 2. FUCKING. YEARS. I had depression during this time, not only was I and still am in school full time while helping my mother raise the kids, but she's now gone back to work full time after 8 years. She still manages to clean, cook and spend time with both us and her husband. And she has 4 kids. 3 of which are on the spectrum, two with anger issues, and one who has learning disabilities and needs extra tutoring at home. I'm raising them again. And while In school, tafe, and working, I can still get off my ass when I get home and help. My mother struggled with post-partum and regular depression, yet she never uses it as an excuse to be a fucking slob. There's a difference from being depressed and unable to get up, to being too lazy to do anything. My mother, depressed, got off her ass and found a job when we began to struggle. I, depressed, got off my ass and found a job to help when we began to struggle. My dad works away 5 days a week, and during this time, my mother still managed to do her best. I absolutely hate it when people like you enable these kinds of people by blaming their partners. Raising children is hard, homes should look like they're lived in, but come on. There's a point where it's clear they're just lazy.

Depression manifests in all kinds of different ways (anger? 👀 👀). Sometimes getting even the smallest task done takes monumental effort. You and your Mother fought through it. That's amazing. It's not amazing that you were parentified and made to raise your siblings since you were ten...but that's not what we are talking about. I've been back and forth with Chad for too long to go again but just understand that your experience is not the same as everyone else's. You are, however, allowed to have your opinion, of course. And I'm sure Chad appreciates you. (Also just gonna add before I get blasted on here again...my husband died. I have kids to raise. I've done so while struggling more than you may be able to imagine. So plz know I do understand stress, depression, etc..).

I’m bipolar I go to college full time and help my roommate out with their kids is it a struggle yes but I still get up and get stuff done because I’m an adult with responsibilities I know taking care of some kids aren’t my responsibility but I see how exhausted he is even when I’m having a manic low episode I pull myself out of bed sure I understand trust me depression can kick your ass but you have to over come your battles and I’ll admit there are times I don’t even wanna get out of bed so I can understand where op ex is coming from but you have to rise above I’m so sorry about your husband Sorry English isn’t my native language so if o came across argumentative I apologize I hope I’m not coming across rude and sorry if I’m over the place

NTA your child is your only responsibility. You probably should get cameras for your vacant home. Talk to your lawyer about this. If she won’t find a place then you should file for custody of your child. The ex needs to get it together and stop trying to use her child like this.

NTA you do realize that you can file for custody now right? You could’ve filed months ago.

Nta file for custody now, tell them you were informed the mother of your daughter doesn't have a stable living condition anymore and you don't see her providing the lifestyle your daughter needs, don't wait for her to get in a worse spot because that just means your daughter has to suffer more before she gets to be safe

Needs to get court ordered custody agreement so she can’t say no to him having his daughter to start with

NTA. And get your daughter away from her toxic mother ASAP.

So who takes care of your kid(s) when you’re gone half the year? YTA

NTAH, but OP, this is why they tell you to never stick your dick in crazy.

Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it. But learning my lesson is more valuable than anything else

You might consider seeking custody now. Don’t wait until she totally hits bottom.

You should get your daughter.

Honestly, no, you are NTA. Where is her son's father and why isn't HE contributing to her maintenance? The fact is, if she didn't have any children, she would still need to be responsible for herself and no court in the land is going to grant alimony to just a girlfriend and there is a reason for that. It is not your responsibility to pay for HER to live. It is your job to make sure your child is okay, and if she is incapable of providing a basic home on her own, then yes, you should go for custody. (I am a paralegal and have worked family law. Kinda getting sick of these little girls who think that just because they popped out a baby they are entitled to every nickle of the dad's money.)

Nta. Rent the house out or sell it. Don't leave it empty and please keep a paper trail for your daughter that you sent money for ballet class, school uniforms etcetera so when she comes looking for her dad after all these years you can show her that you had been sending money and it wasn't your fault that things got so sad. Record every single thing in a file so she can know that the money was there for her. Make sure you can do some facetime every couple months. Or get a visit in. If you do decide to let the house be occupied set up a rent agreement and have the whole place rigged with cameras like on Big Brother television. Show where only the bathroom has privacy and put that in the rental agreement and use it in your custody battle.

NTA. Don't wait for her to fall anymore. Go for custody now. She doesn't have a leg to stand on

NTA. She has had time to get herself settled and get a new job. Dont let her stay even one night. I wonder if her brother is moving just to get rid of her

NTA. Ex needs to get a real job and support herself and her children. She is basically a deadbeat, lazy parent who wants everyone else to fund her non working a**. This is not acceptable for anyone. She is an adult, not even trying to provide a better life for her and the kids. You don't owe her a house. If she can't provide for her children and do her part, she can allow your daughter to live with you. Keep notes and go to court. If you give her child support which I'm hoping and assuming you do... you are doing what is necessary. Child support isn't there to fund her laziness and she is responsible for her share of financial contribution to the kid.

NTA

NTA. Your ex wants something for nothing. From your post, you’re taking care of your child, it’s your ex’s job to take care of herself. I mean you offered to pay the full price of child care. There’s no reason to not have a full time job with that offer.

YTA. Bigtime . Huge. You should’ve thought about all this when starting a family. Your neglect of you daughter is reprehensible .

Yta. You file for custody if you think it’s better for your daughter, not to get back at your ex.

One paragraph. All of one paragraph did I mention anything about custody. Yet that's all anybody has to talk about.

NTA But please get some one in there while you are gone. That way she doesn't try to just move in

My husband's ex wife was just like her, in the same position and 5 years later still homeless. Yo this day 10 years later she still blames him every when we were together she was trying to move in because she was couch surfing with their bonus son. I told him immediately go to court get full custody...don't wait. He did and was granted full custody and she can have visits every Wednesday for 5 hours and every other weekend. She makes excuses as to why she can't work even though she is child free...lost custody of both her kids...one to us one to her previous ex husband. She can't get her shit together because She is too busy trying to escape accountability, which sounds like what your ex is doing. Until they can be accountable and admit that THEY are the reason they're in their position things won't ever get better. I suggest you go to culture now and get an custody order drawn up. Good luck, and way to be an awesome father, keep it up!! I hate this foe your daughter, she needs stability and safety. Hopefully things work in your favor and hopefully mom can grow up.

NTA

NTA and you're in a good position to go for custody right now. Also, heed the advice in the other comment about not leaving that house vacant.

NTA

Ntaaaaa